A Beginner's Guide to Endings (2010) Movie Script
The events leading up to my death
were a lot like the rest of my life.
Things didn't go
exactly as planned.
If you asked me what the odds
in an amateur hanging
going off without a hitch were,
I'd say about one in three.
A few things can happen.
Put the noose too high?
Swing for hours.
Too low?
Choke for minutes.
But hit that sweet spot,
the neck'll snap just so.
One in three.
Okay...
...one in four.
I was born a gambler.
Cards, dice,
sports, horses.
I'd bet on anything if
the odds were right.
But now I've lost a bet
that cost me more than money.
It's cost me my family.
My family defies all odds.
Five kids; all boys.
The odds in that?
One in 16.
Five boys from three
different women?
One in 300.
Staying married to my first wife
through that?
Somewhere south of zero.
That's my eldest son, Nuts.
Born during a heat wave.
His mother says
that's what gives him his temper,
but... I think the kid was born
with a sour disposition.
Nuts wasn't one for school.
All he ever wanted to
be was a pro boxer.
But... well...
things didn't go exactly as planned.
That's my second boy, Cal.
Poor kid inherited
my weakness for women.
I knew pretty early on when he found a way
to join an all-girls prep school.
Now that one cost
me a small fortune.
Come Christmas, he shows up
with a different gal each year.
And let's just say he's got a type.
After Cal came my third boy, Jacob.
Smart, organized.
Holds down a real job.
Huh. Y'know,
when you say it all together like that,
makes me wonder if
he's mine after all.
Now, I'm no saint.
Fact is, I'd probably catch on fire
if I ever did step foot in church.
So long story short:
her name was Champagne.
And nine months later, boy number four
shows up on my doorstep.
The kid's got a lot of heart.
Everyone calls him Juicebox
because, well...
...I wouldn't call a kid slow, but...
... well, he's got a big heart.
Goldie forgave me for Champagne.
But you know what they say:
fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you're divorced.
Sometimes life throws
you a curve ball.
A tiny, Vietnamese curve ball.
After what became colourfully known
as the Saigon Incident,
Goldie, quite understandably, left me.
But she never stopped
being a good mom to the boys,
even the ones that weren't hers.
And that's my family.
The most unlikely bunch
you'll ever chance upon.
And seeing as I'd sooner die
than see any harm come to them...
...today's gonna be
the last day of my life.
The odds of surviving
a trip over Niagara Falls are long.
It's happened exactly once.
Back in '53, some kid lucked out.
But he had an adult-sized life jacket on,
so I'm not sure it counts.
Now that's not to knock
what the lil' tiger went through,
but a boy that small
in a life jacket that big?
The kid's practically a fuckin' pontoon.
But I don't want to
beat the odds here.
For once,
I want them stacked against me.
Just like I stacked them
against my oldest boys.
So I need a miracle.
For my family.
For fate to erase the weight
of all my misdeeds.
A reversal of fortune.
A resurrection.
A real, bona-fide miracle.
But I don't believe in miracles.
I know that it's time
# And you're staying in
# La la la la la la la la la
# And you're staying home
# And I'm all alone
# La la la la la la la la la
# Wontcha wontcha wontcha
bring a little water
# Bring a little wine
# Bring a little lovin'
# And I feel fine
# I know that you want to
# And I know that you do
# Come in here and love with me
# It's thunder and rain
# But it's all the same
# La la la la la la la la la
# Ha
I'm paying for this call
# And I don't mind at all
# La la la la la la la la la
# Wontcha wontcha wontcha
bring a little water
# Bring a little wine
# Bring a little lovin'
# And I feel fine
# I know that you want to
# And I know that you do
# Come in here and love with me
- We're gathered here
to mourn the passing of Edward...
"Duke" White.
Some of us knew him.
Some of us loved him.
And apparently some of us
are just here for the free donuts.
Ahem.
Duke... never did
anything the normal way,
so... it's no surprise
we don't have a body to bury.
- Move.
- And, of course,
Duke wasn't much for church.
In fact, only time
he ever got anywhere near the Bible
was when he swore to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but.
In case you were wondering,
he... he didn't.
So instead of reading Bible verse,
I'm gonna recite the lyrics
to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird.
- Mom didn't show?
- We couldn't get a hold of her.
Why are you late?
- Flight was delayed
and I had a detour on the highway.
- What was her name?
- Candyanna.
- Even her name makes me wanna
put on a condom, or strip.
- Would you two shut up?
We're at a goddamn funeral.
- It's okay.
- "Lord knows I can't change.
"Lord help me...
I can't change."
Ahem. Now I'd like to have
Duke's five boys come up here
and place a personal memento
in the coffin.
He was...
...the best brother a man could have.
- He was the worst father
a man could have.
- A bus pass?
- I didn't know
we were supposed to bring presents.
That's my watch.
- Please don't make a big deal about this.
- That's my watch.
- Do not make a big deal about it!
- Don't! Cal! Get the fuck off, Cal!!!
- Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
What's the matter with you?
You should be ashamed of yourself,
throwin' punches like that!
Snap the wrist.
# I'm a crawler baby
# Well I crawl right after you
# I'm the crawler baby
# I crawl right after you
- Breaks my heart
we had to trot out Ol' Rusty.
Come Christmas dinner, there's Rusty.
Everybody's birthday party,
you know Rusty's gonna be invited.
But... Ol' Rusty at your father's funeral?
This family's got a certain reputation,
and tonight
you boys pretty much cemented it.
Think we can get through
the reading of the will
without having to call a paramedic?
- I can.
- Shut up.
- You know what?
I gotta take a piss.
I'll be right back.
- Alright, where's the, uh...
waitress in this place?
Thank you!
Um, but I'd rather you sprayed mace
into my mouth. But...
I will let you try this very nice
single-malt scotch I discovered.
- You discovered it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You fucking Magellan?
Circumnavigating the globe
in search of flavour?
Don't put on airs with me, okay?
I've seen you drink lighter fluid.
- I remember that.
It made you weird.
- I dunno what you're talking about.
It's good, isn't it?
- It's... pretty good.
- Bottoms up.
- Jacob, what happens when we die?
- Uh, wow. Ahem.
I don't know, Todd.
What I do know is that good guys
like you go to heaven.
- Dad was a pretty good guy, huh?
He was a good... yes, he was a...
He was a good...
- Uh... you know what, buddy?
Don't worry about it.
He's probably not even dead.
He's only been gone for two weeks.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
- Don't do that.
- Don't do what?
- Don't give him false hope.
Just bear the kid's feelings--
- You want me to think about the kid...
This coming from...
I remember when the two of you
put Xs and Os all over his face
with permanent marker.
He went to school
and they called him Tic Tac Todd!
- That was a decade ago!
How do you even remember that?
Are you used to holding on to small things?
- That's hilarious.
- See what I did right there?
When I said "small things,"
I meant something different?
- 'Kay, guys, got some drinks here.
- I meant your penis.
- Beer.
- Thank you.
- OJ... and a Mint Julep.
- Uh, you know what, doll?
Actually, this is not a Mint Julep.
- This ain't the Glass Slipper, princess.
It's a beer
with a shot of Peppermint Listerine.
'Bout as close as you're gonna get.
- Mm. Think she's bad news, Cal.
- No. Her?
- Tattooed on her back.
- Oh, yeah, it is. Huh.
- Alright, before we read the will,
should we have a little toast?
- Yeah.
- To Duke.
May you be 40 years in heaven
before the Devil knows you're dead.
- I can't drink this.
- Last Will and Testament...
of Edward White.
- My boys...
...I'm leaving you
with a heart full of regret.
I should've been a better father
and been there for you instead of myself.
I should've settled down
and been a better husband.
Your mother was a good woman.
Juicy's, too.
Even Soo Ling wasn't that bad.
And, most of all, I should've led a life
that didn't end with a list of regrets.
The fact is, the only thing
I don't regret is you boys,
and I'm proud of you all.
So let's get down to who gets what.
- "To Nuts,
I leave my bar of silver."
- Remember to keep your chin up.
There's always a silver lining, boy-o.
To Cal,
I leave the White family wedding ring.
Marry a good one, son.
And be sure she's a good one.
- "Can't run around
like a bull in a vagina shop forever."
- To Jacob, I leave the Elvis suit
from the '72 Burnin' Love tour,
worn in Phoenix and Albuquerque. "
- Wait... wait a sec.
Who wore it in Phoenix and Albuquerque?
- It... does not really say.
- To Juicy and Todd...
...I leave 380 in cash.
Truth is, I'm not sure what you're into,
so just buy whatever it is you're in to.
And it better not be drugs.
And as for the house,
I'm leaving it all to you boys to live in.
Just so long
as you don't kill each other first.
- "And that's who gets what.
Now for the hard part."
- I've done a terrible thing.
Nuts, Cal, Jacob,
you may recall that drug-testing thing
I signed you up for back in '99.
Are you male? 18 to 31?
Non-smoker?
If so, Bovastrada Pharmaceuticals
has an opportunity for you.
Now this ain't an excuse,
but I was concussed at the time.
A man doesn't think clearest
after a concussion.
And just ask Rudy Arbour
what you can do with $2,000!.
- I got a Ski-Doo with my money.
And I only had to take
two pills a week for a month.
- "It paid you two grand each--"
- Wait a minute.
We never got two grand.
That's not right. We got one grand.
- Yeah...
Duke... took 50.
Finder's fee.
They paid you two grand each,
but it turns out there's a lot more money
involved than that.
This morning, a lawyer shows up
asking me to pass on documents to you boys.
Some kind of legal settlement
that I would've known about earlier,
but you know how I feel about letter mail.
So I forged a few signatures
to speed up the process.
Long story short: $100,000 per head.
I wanted to find the right way
to break it to you, is all.
And there's no easy way
to say this next part.
But I saw all those zeroes.
Holy shit.
They're off!.
I could tell you
it was a sure thing.
I could say I was doing it
to make you all a pile more dough.
Plus a finder's fee for myself.
But that doesn't make it right.
And the strategic long shots I backed
to recoup my initial losses,
well, weren't so strategic.
Now there's no easy way to say this,
so I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Nuts, Cal, Jacob...
Boys...
...you three are gonna die.
- Excuse me?
- What?
- We are gonna...?
- Yes, it's...
- Let me see the dam n--
- Let me read it!
"And it's my fault."
The side effects of Affekterol
are mood swings and loose bowels.
The one long-term side effect
is much worse:
permanent cardiovascular damage.
Affekterol weakens the walls
of your ticker.
Now a stiff breeze could do you in.
It's bloody amazing none of you
have cashed out already.
Now, I figure a man who's done
what I've done is only fit for the grave.
I can't look at you boys.
Or myself.
So I'm gonna go on dying,
'cause I can't go on living.
Goodbye, boys.
I love you all...
...even if I never
did show it very well.
- Maybe it's just all a mistake.
- Take Todd and Juicy home.
- Maybe Duke just got it wrong.
- Take Todd and Juicy home.
- Okay, let's go.
- I don't believe it.
- There's no way. We're fine.
- No way, right?
- I'm fine. We're fine. Yeah.
- This is years ago.
- Dad's always shaky on the facts anyway.
- We're not dyin'.
- If we are, my liver goes first.
# I can't sleep at night
# Can't turn out the light
# Got to get alright
# Get myself alright
I can try
# But I know it's true...
# Take what I got
Till the sun is rain
# The sun is coming
I can pay my train
# I can't sleep at night
I can't sleep at night
# I can't sleep at night
Hey hey hey
# Alright
Hey hey hey
# Ha
Woo
# Hey hey hey
# Alright
Hey hey hey
# Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
Fuck.
Ahem.
Yeah.
- So is baby brother ready for his debut?
- Ah... no.
Not at all.
- Tank Boy is.
Cracked three jaws of his
sparring partners this week.
The whole pie, that one!
- Yeah. Just don't let him kill Juicy,
would ya?
- Oh, we're just padding Tank's record,
is all.
But ping-pong it is not.
Three good rounds.
- Mm-hmm.
Piss.
What's the matter with you?
You fighting tonight and you eating this?
It's like... giving your stomach a...
...perm.
- It's still on?
- Yeah. Ahem.
- I just... I thought--
- Yeah, no. Nothing's changed.
Now hit the gym,
take off these stupid...
Who did this?
- Me.
- You got beaten up by Todd?
- Please.
- Oh.
- I'd hardly call it "got beaten up".
- Really?
- Okay? It was a lucky shot,
and if I had any warning...
I got combo'd.
You little twat!!! It's on!
- Hey, relax.
Sit down.
- What's a twat?
- It's, uh... the smallest cone
they got at Dairy Queen.
- Fuck you, Todd.
- Relax! Put your pants back on
and go hit the gym.
Hopefully you do better against Tank Boy
than you do against 10-year-old Asian kids.
- Hey.
- Can't talk. Gotta shower.
- Come on. You know he's retarded.
Don't pick on him.
- Hey, Toddy.
- Nuts is making me a race-car pancake.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm tryin', Toddy.
Y'know...
I'm sorry. I--
What?
- Y'know, sometimes
a cigar is just a cigar.
But that, that's a cock, buddy.
- Yeah.
What are you eating for breakfast?
- Well, I am attempting
to turn the food pyramid on its ass.
I'll even eat
your freaky little erotic cock-cake.
Who cares anymore?
- Would you quit it with that stuff, okay?
We're gonna be fine. Alright?
When I hear we're dying
from a guy like dad,
all I think of is the million tall tales
he ever told.
- Dust settles.
Maxie turns to me and says,
"Duke, that man you just cold-cocked?
Bette Midler!"
On the Virgin Mary's eyes.
Swear to Jesus.
- Duke could teach a master class
in bullshit.
- You know what I think?
- What's that?
- I think you're in denial.
- Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
- This is what you do.
This is what you do in life.
You ignore the facts.
- I do not!
- And then you get defensive.
- Wrong again.
- And then you lash out!
- Hey, fuck you!
We're not dying.
- Yes, we are.
- What?
- I just got back from the doctor
and he told me flat out...
...we are dying.
- Your vitals are still solid.
- Right.
- Won't know for sure
without the blood test.
- Right, right.
- Look, if you did take Affekterol...
- I did. I mean, it was years ago, though.
- Well - ahem -
you've got an opportunity here.
- Okay.
- Is there anything
you ever really wanted to do, son?
- Well, y-y-yeah, like a million things.
- Do 'em.
- Duke dealt us a bad hand, bro.
- A bad hand?
I didn't even get cards, okay?
I got, like, a bus transfer
and a fucking coupon for tampons.
- It's a wake-up call.
I'm gonna make a list.
- Sounds like a very "you" thing to do.
- Things are gonna change.
I got, like, a million things I wanna do.
- Actually thought that that would be
something you would do. It's weird.
- What do you mean, you thought?
- I was just thinking,
"I wonder what he's gonna do?"
- What do you mean--
- Are you guys fucking high?!
We're dying! Where's your anger?!
- C'mere, Nuts. C'mere.
- What're you doing?
What are you doing?
- Just giving my big brother a hug.
- I don't need a fucking hug.
- Why?
- Ah... Christ. Gerbil.
It's a lot of death for one week,
isn't it, buddy?
- You want one?
- What, a hug?
- Yeah. I'm just handing them out.
- No, no, no, no. No.
- Yeah. Come on, we're not--
- I'm cool with it. It's cool.
- Honestly, you're cool with it, Cal?
We're dying and you're cool with it?
- Okay, alright. I'm not cool with it.
Alright?
I'm not fucking cool with it.
I am the opposite of cool! Okay?
We're dying!
My life is a mess,
and I know I'm gonna end up
just like Duke!
I woke up this morning next to a woman,
and let's just say that I walked
where angels fear to tread.
Oh, boy.
- 'Morning.
- Pfft... Yes...
So it is... morning.
Did we, uh...
Did we do it?
- If by "it" you mean
going a couple of minutes,
throwing up in my purse
and then crying yourself to sleep,
then, yeah, we did it.
- Sorry. Yesterday was, um...
...was very emotional for me.
I buried my father, allegedly.
- You mentioned that. I'm sorry.
- Ah, don't be sorry.
Duke lived his life... so hard,
he made Iggy Pop look Amish.
- Um, wait a second. Duke?
Duke White?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Why?
You knew him?
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna end up like Duke,
I'm gonna end up like Duke!
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
Listen, I don't wanna play Junior Freud here,
but by the transitive property of penises...
...I think I fucked mom last night.
- What's that?
- The waitress.
Dad and I both slept with her.
Something has to change in me.
The ring, it was a sign. Y'know?
I gotta stop whoring around
and I need to settle down!
- Yes. Yes!
- I think I know who with.
- Don't say it.
Don't--
- Miranda.
- Oh, God.
- She's the one who got away.
- No! She didn't get away, Cal.
She got incarcerated!
- She's the only woman
who ever gave me that rush!
- That wasn't a rush!
That was Chlamydia!
- You don't understand.
You don't understand and that is fine.
Alright? I wanna feel what it feels like
to be with her again.
You don't know her like I do!
- This is not the right move, okay?!
This is like...
this is like you're killing yourself
before you're dying!
Before you're killing yourself.
Do you know what I mean?
- C'mere.
I'll take that hug now.
- Oh, you're ready for your hug now?
I love you, Cal.
- I love you, too.
Alright, let's butch this up
before Nuts comes back.
- Oh, Jesus.
It's all fuckin' Steel Magnolias in here.
- Just a hug, a hug...
It's a brother hug, man.
- It's like we're in Europe,
with all this man huggin'.
- Europe. That's a good idea, Europe.
I think I'd like Europe.
- No, no, you wouldn't.
I've been there. It's very...
swishy.
- Yeah, I know, they can elect him king.
- There is no King of Europe, Nuts.
- Fine. Queen.
- That's funny. That's very funny.
- It is funny.
- I'm not taking your shit anymore, either,
by the way. That's on my list.
I love you both, but growing up with you
was... fucking hell.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah.
- We were fucking kids.
What do you want?
- We would play Hungry, Hungry Hippos,
and I would shit marbles
for a week and a half.
That wasn't fun for me.
- Oh, come on.
- You know what I did this morning?
I quit my job.
Yeah, hi, it's Jacob.
I won't be coming into work today. I quit.
And tell Jerry in HR that he's a...
total dick weed.
And an asshole, too.
It felt better than anything that I've done
for the last 10 years of my entire life.
So starting today,
I'm going Evel Knievel on everything.
I'm gonna take every stupid risk I can.
All my life I've been worrying
about the long run
and there is no long run anymore,
there's just... there's just this sprint.
And it's standing right in front of me.
It's a fucking sprint.
It's a sprint!
You fucked that kid up, not me.
I'll take half the blame.
Hi. I'd like to make a withdrawal.
- Okay.
- And close all my accounts, please.
That's right
Listen I got a story to tell you
about a man named
Bin Sala Bin
There's a dude I know
Oh yeah
Living on the other side of town
I'll take it.
Alright
Oh oh oh oh oh
- We're gathered here today...
to bid farewell to Mister Amazing.
- Mister Awesome.
- Mister Awesome, yes...
was just a... great gerbil.
- Hamster.
- Yes. He, um...
...will always be remembered as a...
...just an excellent...
...chewer.
Happy trails, Mister Awesome.
C'mon, buck up, we'll get you another one.
- I don't want another one.
- Hey... what do we
do when we get upset?
- Walk it off.
- What? No, no, no.
Hey, hey, the other thing.
That's right. We hug through it.
- What, really? Really?
Didn't see that one coming.
- You're the best brother in the world.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you want some more, Tank Boy?
- I'm the worst brother in the world.
- Come on, boys!
Stick it, stick it, stick it! C'mon.
Okay, one, two!
I wanna hear a slap.
Stick it. One, two. Boys!
- Hey.
Fight's cancelled.
- Is it, now?
- Juicy ain't fighting.
- Well, Tank Boy is.
And I don't care a lick who he kills so long
there's a light-heavyweight getting hurt.
- Yeah. Here's your money back.
- Let me be blunt, lad.
You took your money.
You been bought.
No refunds.
Don't make me go to the office
and get the management.
- No, Fitz.
How much to call it off?
- Twenty.
- Thousand?!
I don't got that!
- Really?!
Puffy vest?
Whiff o' Old Spice?
Prison-grade tattoos?
Here I had you pegged
as old money for sure.
- No fuckin' way you're makin' 20 grand
off this fight.
- Well, don't be daft, lad.
Of course not.
But I'll make a far sight more
in two years' time
when an undefeated Tank Boy,
in on the fix,
Ioses to an unranked pug
no one's ever heard word of.
Jesus! I got the chessboard out,
you're playin' Bingo!
Okay, boys, take a break.
- Fine, fine, fine.
Just... just keep the management out of this.
I'll... I'll find the money.
- Sure you will.
You hop on your unicorn,
you go shake down a leprechaun.
See you later.
- I'm approaching 1 90.
From the north.
What about me?
- As a fighter?
- Yeah.
- You're a little past
your prime, my friend.
No one'd pay to see that.
- You're just padding his record.
Plus you get this back.
- Mm...
Tank Boy! C'mere!
Meet a legend.
You ever heard tell of Nuts White?
- No.
Why they call you Nuts?
- Just a nickname.
- No!
Eddie White. Twelve and 0.
Never fought above the undercard.
Never touched the canvas.
But he's not called Nuts
on account ofhis pugilistic talents.
No!.
But on account
of every fighter in the country
is magnetically drawn
to punching him in the balls.
Undefeated.
And all disqualifications
for shots to the cherries, huh?
Everybody smells the fix.
Everybody knows his old man...
is riggin' his bouts.
And now old Nuts...
can't even line up a bout of diarrhea.
Until today.
- So I'm fighting?
- You're fighting.
Let's get back at it, boys!
- Yeah. Ahem.
- This is AT&T.
You have a collect call from--
Wait. Do I press...
Do I press a 0 now?
- You have 63 cents in your account.
Press 1 to accept the charges.
- Ma. Hey, uh... talk quick.
I'm almost out of minutes.
- Honey! I am so sorry.
I just heard about Duke.
Wendell and I were at a meditation retreat
and we just got back this morning,
and I'm on the next plane.
Is everyone okay?
I-I can't get anyone at the house.
- It's... it's been a crazy day.
- Oh, sweetheart. I know you and Duke
had your ups and downs,
but your father was many things,
some of them good,
some of them not so good,
but he loved you boys,
and if the could--
- Out of minutes.
- Oh, fuck.
- Well... I'm getting married.
- Come to the right place, then.
I'll talk you out of it.
- No, no. I, uh, don't need your blessing.
I just want the ring.
- Who's the lucky lady?
- Miranda.
- Is she aware of your intentions?
- Uh, no.
I haven't seen her for years, so, no.
- Okay, you just got
some pretty terrible news
and I'm guessin' you're still drunk.
So I'm inclined to believe
that you might not be thinking
all that clearly at the moment.
You're forcing my hand here, okay?
My hand is forced.
My office.
The Wall of Fame.
- Fuck, she's married.
- And then some.
- She's on her second marriage?
- Actually she's a three-peat.
It's not what you think, either.
She didn't get one divorce.
They died.
All of 'em.
Now, her first husband, he got shot.
Sure, they called it a hunting accident,
but two in the head?
Ten in the groin?
The second husband died
the day after they separated.
This time they called it driver error.
I don't know how many errors
a fella could make in the trunk of a car.
And the third fella, he didn't make it
through the honeymoon.
No one knows what happened to him.
Well... most of him, anyway.
Now, I'm not saying
she killed 'em, but...
somebody should slap a warning label
on that gal.
Do you get the moral of the story?
- Think I do.
- Good.
- She's single.
Thanks for the ring.
- Yeah.
Thanks for the car keys.
Can't let you go, buddy.
- Fine.
- Don't break the window.
That's your car?
Wow. What, did you carjack a beautician?
- It's a rental.
Believe in signs, Pal?
- I believe in not marrying the girl
who invented the Body Shop.
- Duke wills me a wedding ring
on the day
that I find out I'm gonna die.
That is a sign. Alright?
I don't wanna die alone.
Not like Duke.
I'm settling down.
- I-I think not being like Duke
is a great idea,
so stop whoring around, okay?
But...
n-not Miranda.
Th-that-that's... reckless, okay?
And that's more like Duke than anything.
- Reckless, huh?
Gonna break the window
and try to hotwire the car
if you don't give me the keys.
- I know you will.
- Thank you.
My second hug today.
Hey.
- Hey. What's up with the car?
Coaching a fucking women's softball team?
- It's a rental.
Her name's Cindy and I love her.
What are you doing?
- Gonna do something stupid.
- Oh, me too. You'd think we're related.
- Yeah.
Say hi to Miranda for me.
- What? How do you know that?
- C'mon. I know everything you're gonna do
before you do it.
- Uh, no, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- Okay. I'm thinking of a person right now.
- Don't be stupid.
- Actor. Famous!
- C'mon. Billy Dee Williams.
- Ugh, I hate you.
- No, you don't.
So...
Iooks like I need 20 grand
or I'm getting murdered tonight.
- What the hell is wrong with this family?
You can't dust 'em off.
- Yeah? And I can't raise 20 grand
by tonight, so, uh...
...where's my robe?
- Anytime you deal with Fitz,
you're gonna end up bloody
and a few dollars short, Nuts.
You can't fight.
- What am I supposed to do? Okay?
You haven't seen this Tank Boy kid.
It is like his mother... fucked a tractor.
Best-case scenario..
Juicy gets seriously injured.
- Will you listen to me? You can't fight!
- Yeah? And I let Juicy fight,
I'm no better than Duke.
Fixin' fights, lyin', cheatin'--
- No... if you fight, you will die.
- Yeah? I dunno if you heard the news,
but it's happening anyway.
- Do you wanna die a few months
down the road, maybe a year,
or do you wanna die tonight?!
- What are you talking about?
- Alright...
I promised your father
I wouldn't tell you this.
- Tell me what?
- You remember Detroit?
- Yeah.
- Well, there's a shitload
you don't know about Detroit.
- Really? What's to know about Detroit?
After Detroit, they weren't gonna call me
Nuts anymore, right?
You remember the new name?
- Eddie "The Power" White.
- Eddie "The Power" White!
# Let me hear you say it
Ho
I lined up that fight
with John "The Baptist" myself,
so Duke couldn't run his old grift.
Punching another man's junk is pretty much
like gay marriage to a guy like him.
Better still?
Jesus freaks never take bribes.
- Duke probably saved your life that night.
- Did he?
- When I tell my son to oil up
and he smears on the Italian dressing,
I can't help but think
he's 30% retarded.
- Nah, it's genius, 'cause his brain's
telling him "time to fight,"
but his nose is saying "time to eat".
Confusin' him.
Bam, bam, bam!
- 40%.
- These the new trunks?
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Did you ever ask yourself
why they were always punching you
in the groin instead of the noggin'?
Or why the other guy
didn't just take a dive?
- Stop right there, okay?
- Listen...
Touch your skull, right around there.
- This? Yeah. It's my lucky bump.
- I don't know how lucky it is.
The day you were born,
you got dropped on your melon.
You fell down the stairs
when you were about six months.
Again when you were a year old.
By the time you got to kindergarten,
you'd been concussed upwards of 10 times.
You were just a...
really uncoordinated little pecker.
- Oh, ho, ho!
"Eddie The"?
- I told 'em
"Eddie The Power White" six times.
That font is a little big.
Maybe they ran outta room.
- Two minutes before I tussle,
you spring this on me?!
I asked you to do one thing!
- You were always one blow to the head
away from permanent brain damage, at least.
That fresh start you wanted
could've been your funeral.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my... Oh, my God!
I can't wear these!
- Why not?
- 'Cause I can't wear
White Power trunks...
in fucking Detroit!
God. What am I gonna do?
- We're in a tight spot.
- Oh, yeah?
You think? Maybe I can put
a sweater around my waist
like I just got my fucking period!
Fuck.
Let's go!
- You gotta call it off, boy-o.
- I can't.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What's wrong?
- You know you can't fight in your robe, son!
- Okay. What about a sweater
tied around my waist?
- What?
- Look, my shorts,
they say "White Power" on 'em.
I am so sorry.
They say "White Power."
I know. It was a mistake.
- Fuck you, cracker!
- Fuck you!
- Get out! C'mon, get out!
You could take
a little light sparring,
but you lined up
an honest-to-goodness fight
with a bona-fide contender.
- So he came up with the trunks.
- Yeah, actually,
the trunks was my idea.
But it was Duke's idea
to bet on your disqualification.
The proceeds from which...
bought this silver bar.
- Then why...
why'd he let me fight at all?
- Your career was supposed to be,
y'know, one or two fights.
Couple of blows to the balls and he thought
you'd get smart and walk away.
But... he was weak and, uh...
...he found it was... profitable,
knowing the outcome.
Now you,
you just don't know when to quit.
You were a shitty boxer, Nuts.
The Duke tried to protect you
the only way he knew.. by fixing fights.
'Cause he loved his son.
And...
y'know, betting on sure things.
And that is why you cannot fight...
...ever again.
- Oh, my God.
- It ain't 20 grand...
But it's a start.
- Ah! You son of a...
- Miss Benatar.
Had a '72 El Camino.
Named her after Pat Benatar,
sexiest woman ever to grace
God's green Earth.
'Course, I called her
Miss Benatar, 'cause...
y'know, a fella callin' his ride Pat
might create the impression
he was into Irish dudes.
What're you working on down there?
- Well, I wanna make it sound really loud.
So, uh... I, uh, figured if I...
got underneath it
and just banged around with a wrench,
it would just kinda happen.
Didn't work.
- You just drill some holes in the muffler.
That'll get her growlin'.
- You can do that?
- Let's lift up her blouse there,
see what's she's got, huh?
- Yeah.
- It's a nice blue. Mine was green.
Your dad used to call it the Green Latrine.
- I think, um...
- Right here.
- Right.
- Oh, wow.
What're you gonna call her?
- "Pat" was in the lead.
I dunno, I guess I'm gonna add
picking a name to my to-do list.
- A list? That's smart.
- I dunno about smart.
The words "death defying"
appear, like, six times.
- Y'know, livin' like
there's no tomorrow
is... a pretty good way
to make sure there won't be one.
I don't have to worry
about you, too, do I?
- Actually, no.
I feel pretty much unstoppable.
- Here.
Let's make some noise, huh?
Fuck it.
- Where you going dressed like that?
- See for yourself.
- Can I come?
- Sure.
- Can I dress up, too?
- I encourage it.
- Oh! Can we go to Dairy Queen
and pick up some twats?
- Yeah.
# Chicken
# Pay the chicken back back
Pay the chicken back payback
# Chicken back
# Do the Chicken payback
Piggy
# Pay the piggy back back
Pay the piggy back payback
# Piggy back
Do the piggy payback
# Monkey pay the monkey back back
# Pay the monkey back
See the monkey do the monkey
# Pay the monkey back
# Chicken pay the chicken back back
Pay the chicken back
# Pay back the chicken back back
# Do the chicken payback
Camel
# Pay the camel back
Sitting on a camelback
# See the camel do the camel
Pay the camel back
# Donkey
Pay the donkey back back
# Pay the donkey back
Pay back the donkey payback
# Payback
Pay back the donkey
# All the animals together
Break it down
# Let me hear you
I want it... right there.
- Why don't you let me see it?
- 'Cause.
- Let me see it.
- No.
- Why don't you let me see anything?
- Because I'm...
There, want to see it?
- What are those?
- They're... they're...
man dots.
Special man dots, okay?
- What's a man dot?
- Look, T odd, it hurt a lot more
than I thought it would, alright?
And if you ever think about doing
something as stupid as getting a tattoo,
I swear you better get a picture of me
so the cops'll know who killed you.
- Not interested.
- In what?
- Man in a suit comes to my house,
he's either pushing a religion or a warrant.
- You don't recognize me?
- Look, my seven-foot-tall boyfriend
carries a machete with him wherever he goes.
- It's Cal.
Twelfth grade? Best summer ever?
- Jesus! Is that you?
Oh!
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Okay, alright. That's illegal.
- You look so grown up and clean.
- Thank you.
- What you doing in town?
- Family business.
- And you find time to visit me.
I feel so flattered.
Flattered and stalked.
- Well, um... seeing
as I'm not from these parts anymore,
I was sort of looking for a tour guide.
But if your seven-foot-tall
machete-wielding boyfriend has an issue,
I understand. I just...
- Aw, I just say that
to keep the pigs at bay.
Let's go play tourist.
That your car?
Did you save up your babysitting money
to buy that?
- It's a rental.
# You can't take my girl
# Away from me mister
# Ah ah ah ah ah
Oh no no no no no
# You can't steal my guy
# Away from me sister
# Ah ah ah ah ah
# 'Cause we're so in love
# So in love
So in love
# So in love
# Are we
# You can't break this spell oflove
#Hey mister Oh no no no no no
Ah ah ah ah ah
So you're a mechanic these days?
- The motorcycle?
Sure, a mechanic.
What about you?
- Oh, you know me.
- Still getting by on charm and good looks?
- I suppose you're coasting by
on your knowledge of the deadly arts.
- Is that some kind of clever reference
to my marital difficulties?
- Oh, no, no--
- All because a girl can handle firearms
and knows her way around explosives
doesn't mean she killed anyone.
- Hey, hey, I meant no offence.
- I don't know what you've heard...
...but it's just one of those things.
Or, in this case, three of those things.
So don't go all Sherlock Holmes on me.
- Hey.
I'm just trying to solve the case
of how you got so beautiful.
- You always were a velvet-tongued devil,
weren't you?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
What is that... blouse he's wearing?
- Hey, guys. What's with the threads?
- It's a long story.
Let's just say Todd and I landed parts
in a very misunderstood off-Broadway play
and we'll leave it at that.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- So how's army life?
- Do you babysit?
- What?
- Yeah, I got an Xbox.
- Okay, you're not doing this.
Gimme the ring. I'm not letting you do it.
- Stop it. Stop it. Why are the two of you
always in my lady business? Always.
- We only do that because we're the only ones
who care enough to call you on your bullshit.
- Twat?
- What?
- Remember how you and Nuts
used to stick up for me in high school?
- Yeah. For a reasonable rate, I might add.
- That's all I'm trying to do right now,
is protect my big brother, okay?
She is a... fucking disaster.
She's a stupid, crazy...
She's a bitch.
- You may be right.
But... you don't know how this feels.
- What what feels like?
I've had girlfriends before, okay?
- Really?
- I know a little something. I've had--
- How many? Really? Really?
- Tons. Four. Three.
- Gimme that.
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm adding it to your list.
I think it's important.
- Now, don't write on my--
- Don't touch me.
Got anyone in mind?
Come on, doll.
- Is that her?
- Yep.
- Go on!
- I will. I'm just... I'm just...
...paralysed with fear. Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So one adult, one veteran?
- Well, uh...
Uh, actually,
I just wanted to tell you something.
So, uh...
I'm not here to ask you for a date
or for you to be my sweatheart--
- What's a... "sweat heart"?
- S... s... sweetheart.
I'm sorry,
I didn't have a chance to proof this.
Um...
Okay... here it is.
Sometimes I see you on my way to work
in the mornings.
I don't mean that in, like,
a stalker, creepy way,
I just mean, "Hey, there she is."
Every morning.
And I noticed that you smile at everybody
who walks by - everybody - even me.
And I could never smile back.
Like, ever.
Maybe because you have...
the sweetest smile I've ever seen
and I just can't compete with that,
y'know.
And... and no one handles stoned teenagers
as well as you do, like, anywhere.
And that's a gift,
believe me.
And...
you don't have to worry,
'cause I'm not gonna try
to ask you out on a date here,
because of a technical difficulty
with my existence.
But, uh, even if I wasn't dying,
I probably wouldn't have the courage
to ask you out anyway.
Usually I date women
who are easily distracted
and/or horribly depressed.
That's... that's my type,
just slow and sad.
And I probably shouldn't have said
that last part.
I just wanted you to know
that somebody... in this world
saw you from far away
and thinks that you're beautiful.
And if that can ever give you
even the tiniest bit
of a feeling of happiness,
then, uh, I'm happy
that I made a fool of myself.
- You're just sore
'cause I broke your heart.
- That wasn't my heart, it was my leg.
And it wasn't you,
it was your other boyfriend.
- That was a long time ago, Cal.
You must be used
to holding on to small things.
- That's hilarious.
So where the fuck are you taking me,
anyway?
- Private club. Members only.
- I don't think I belong here.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, just look around.
- Don't worry, they know me here.
- What, do you, uh, work here, too?
- I'm a mechanic, remember?
Give it a good home.
- Um, there's a creepy gentleman
down at the end of the bar
Iooking at me like, uh,
like he wants to fuck me.
- Don't worry about him.
It's a boyfriend thing.
- A boyfr... Um, um, hello!
Missing a vital piece of information,
apparently. What?
- Thought a guy like you would be more
nonchalant about something like this.
- Actually, you're wrong.
I'm very chalant about stuff like this.
Super fucking chalant. Let's go.
- You're not afraid of
Big Mitch there, hmm?
- Absolutely not, okay?
But it still doesn't make it swell
for me to be drinking at a biker bar
with your boyfriend, okay?
- Ex-boyfriend.
We broke up.
- When?
- Last night.
- Last night?
Okay. You're fishing for jealousy
and you're trying to use me as bait.
- Tell you what,
I can use you...
...and you can use me...
...anyway you like.
Deal?
- Deal.
You just crossed a very fine line.
Here we go.
- Perhaps, uh...
perhaps you should go home, huh?
- Ahem.
How you doin'? Um... I'm Cal White.
I take it you're Big Mitch--
- Listen, pal, can I just tell you that--
- Whoa, whoa. I... just...
Can I say what I was gonna say? Please?
Now, listen, uh, Miranda there
is obviously a grownup
who can make her own decisions, right?
And, uh, today she's decided
to spend the afternoon with me, okay?
So I think that you should also be a grownup
and, uh, respect her decision.
Whaddya say, Big Mitch?
- Well, I say, uh...
Cal White?
- Mm.
- Meet Big Mitch.
- Oh...
You're Big Mitch?
- Yeah.
- That's Big Mitch! I'm Cal White.
Uh, that's Miranda, who you've,
um--
- I just heard the speech, fella.
- Okay. I like... This is...
Is this your place?
'Cause I was ask... It's a great...
- You're not going, are ya?
- I was gonna leave.
- No, you're not.
- I wish you'd let go of my hand.
- Have a seat.
- Okay.
- Now, Cal, the way I see it,
Miranda and I...
are havin' a tiny little lover's quarrel.
And the way you see it,
is she's movin' on to you.
Now, I call that a difference of opinion.
And do you know how we solve differences
of opinion here at Satan's Finest?
- Reasonable discourse?
- Wheel of Misfortune.
- The Wheel of Misfortune.
- What's a Wheel of Misfortune?
- Ho, ho, ho!
- If you're doin' this to impress me, Mitch,
it's not working.
- Rules is rules, baby.
- You don't own me.
I can see anyone I want to.
- You'll see Cal again here. At his funeral.
Spin it.
- Uh, wh-what's a Stick and Nail Fight?
- It's a fight with sticks and nails.
- I can't do this again. I'm out.
- Ivan, see her home.
- I'll go, too.
- No, no, no.
- Can I please just use the bathroom?
- Outside in five.
- 'Course there's no windows.
Gonna fuckin' die.
Okay, I'm gonna die.
You're gonna die.
- Why are you darkenin' my door, Nuts?
- Call it a down payment.
I'm not fightin'. Juicy ain't, either.
- Oh, Jesus!
A silver bar!
- Yeah.
- Argh, mate! What are you, a pirate?
You gonna sweeten the deal?
Throw in a few doubloons?
- I'll get the rest for you later.
- Well, I'm no pawn broker.
It goes on tonight.
- Okay, what if it doesn't?
What are you gonna do? Kill me?
I mean, 'cause I gotta tell you, Fitz,
that is a very... very ineffective threat
these days.
- If it were only up to me, Nuts, boy.
But... I'm afraid...
we're gonna have to talk
to the management
about all this.
- Oh, no, no, no! No!
Whoa, whoa! Ah! Ah!
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
- It's the management, boy!
It's the management!
Now we're negotiating, aren't we?
Ah!
- No, stop!!! Stop!!!
- You know the deal.
Now, maybe you don't
care about yourself,
but you care about
your baby brother.
One of you can get
hurt in the ring,
or both of yous can
get hurt in the street.
Choose wisely.
- He'll fight.
- Good.
Make sure it looks good.
- I'm gonna fucking die.
- "Boys, you three are gonna die."
- I'm actually gonna die.
Woo!
Okay. Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
This is it, obviously!
- Yep.
- Where's Miranda?
- I sent her home.
I didn't want have her see me kill you.
- What if I win?
- If you win,
you go and be with Miranda.
On my word of honour.
But I don't think either of us thinks
that's very likely.
- Okay.
You're sort of far away.
I mean, do I just... just whenever?
- You're really over-thinking this.
- Alright.
Alright, come on, baby.
You can do this thing.
I'm coming! Ah!
- Ah!
- Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
- Ahhhh!!!
- Young man...
I'm gonna make the
Jihad on your skull.
Ah!
- Huh? Huh?
Fuck it.
Hey, Mitch?
- Oh...
- What do I do now?
You want me to take you to the hospital,
or... or what?
- I didn't think you had it in you, dude.
Big Mitch is a man of his word.
So you go on.
You go to Miranda.
But you're takin' me with ya.
- What are you doing?
- I'm keeping my word.
- Okay, it's a really cute joke,
but will you get the key?
- I don't have a key to this one.
- C'mon, man!
- And I certainly don't have the key
to this one.
- Come on!
- I wanna do it, too!
- I said no!
- You never let me do anything!
- This is really dangerous, Todd, okay?
If I ever catch you doing something
this dangerous and stupid,
I will sell your testicles
to Chinese organ thieves.
- Stupid Jacob! Stupid blouse!
- Sassy.
- Oh, my God!
- How much longer
are we supposed to stay here?!
I mean, c'mon, man!
What about your word of honour?
- I'm keeping my word.
- Keeping? No, no!
This isn't keeping your word.
- Sure it is.
This is what they call passive resistance.
- Are you insane?
Seriously, what if a train comes?!
And what are we gonna do?
Sit here like assholes,
cuffed to the tracks all day?!
- I really didn't think
that far ahead.
Man, I really didn't think that far ahead.
- Oh, my God.
This isn't doing shit!
- Here, use my machete!
- Who the fuck carries a machete?
Jesus!
It's not working!
It's doing shit!
- Stop, stop. You're dulling the blade.
- So fucking what?!
- We need the blade sharp!
- Why do we need the blade sharp?
Why do we need the blade sharp?
- 'Cause you're gonna hack off my limb!
- I'm not hacking off your limb.
- Don't hack my limb,
I'll keep your fucking ass
on the track with me!
- I can't chop off your hand.
I can chop off your hand! Okay.
You alright?
- Go, man!
- I just wanna check in with you!
- Just hack the fucking limb!
- On the count of three!
- You fucking crazy?
It's gonna hurt more if I'm expecting it!
- Oh, I apologize if my hand-cutting
etiquette is a little off!
- Just do it when I'm not expecting it!
- On two, then!
- Just hack the fucking--
- Okay!
Ahhhh!!!
- Ahhhh!!!
- Hey, Mitch...
Stay awake.
We're almost at the hospital.
- Hey... what's with your car, man?
- It's a rental, okay?
Can we just not talk anymore
until we get to the hospital?
How 'bout that?
- I didn't think you had it in you, sport.
- Did I just... Did you not hear
what I just said, or what?
- Change the station, Mom.
- Let's go.
It's time.
Oh, really?
Thousand Island dressing?
What...?
Oh, what the fuck is that?
It looks like you got fucking shingles!
- Maybe I woulda got a better dressing
if you were there for me.
- Ah, you look like a fuckin' leper!
- Where were you?
- It doesn't matter, okay?
Just wipe that shit off.
We gotta weigh you in.
Maybe we'll pick up some Crisco.
- There it is.
- I don't even think it's for sale.
- Oh, it will be.
Remember, do not use our real names.
- You got it, Smell-vis.
- General Mayhem, let's roll.
Look, you can't tell anybody about this,
alright?
And if you ever think about doing
something as stupid as this, I swear,
I'm gonna... I will...
I'm not a very good role model, am I?
Alright, so the door's open.
Someone's home.
And I can't let them see the barrel.
So what do you say
if they ask you where I am?
- "What's a Jacob?"
- Perfect.
- Hey, Toddy.
- Keep your fucking thumb out.
- The second that bell rings,
I'm coming out with the one-four-three.
Then jab--
- Or, or, or...
just fucking work the outside.
- What?
- Yeah, you wear him down. You run.
Stick and jab, keep to the outside.
Y'know, tire him out a bit.
- No. I'm goin' for the early KO.
- That's...
certainly a possibility.
- Fuck, am I greasy!
Hey.
- Hmm?
- You brought your mitts?
- What?
Yeah. Yeah...
I... I slid by Pal's to...
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You're giving me your mitts?
- Yeah. Don't...
don't make a big deal of it.
- Nuts, I don't know what to say.
- Ahem. Don't say anything.
- I'm fuckin' touched... Nuts.
Nuts, you're the best
brother in the world.
- Why'd you have to say that?!
- What the fuck, Nuts?
- Ah, I...
I can't do this.
- What?!
- You're not fighting.
You're not ready for Tank Boy.
- Oh, I am ready!
You said Tank Boy was scrawny as fuck!
- Well, he's recently filled out.
- I'm in prime form!
- Juicy, you're 0-2 against Todd!
- You're just jealous.
- Ah...
Just... sit.
Listen to me.
I have done a lot of things in my life
that I'm not proud of, okay?
But recently certain things
have come to light...
and I'm seeing things different.
And I'm looking at my baby brother,
who I want to help and protect.
And I hope to God you don't hate me
for what I did, but...
...I signed you up for this fight
knowing you were gonna
get your ass handed to you.
- Right.
- What? No, no right! I sold you out!
For money!
And not a lot of it!
Juicy... Iook at me.
Don't do this.
- I'm gonna fight and I'm gonna win.
Hey.
What the fuck was that?
- That was Tank Boy.
- What?!
- Hoo.
- Todd... where's Cob?
I'll give you five bucks.
- He's heading over the falls.
- He...
"Marry a good one, son...
...like a bull in a vagina shop. "
She got incarcerated!
- They died. All of them.
-...doesn't mean she killed anyone!
- Something has to change in me.
The ring, it was a sign.
- That's reckless!
That's more like Duke than anything!
- I gotta stop whoring around
and I need to settle down.
- That was Chlamydia!
- The fuck am I doing?!
Okay, just relax.
Just relax.
What the fuck am I doing?
- Is he dead?
- He's fine.
Well, he lost a hand, but he's alright.
- Oh...
Just a hand?
- Yeah.
You wanna do some more sightseeing?
- What'd you have in mind?
- C'mon.
- I'm invincible.
Hoo. Woo! Ow!
- Wh-what is going on?
What is going on in that boy's head?! Why?!
- It's on his list.
- What list?
What pills?!
- The pills, y'know,
that they all took for money.
That's his car!
- Pull over!
- Jacob!
- Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
- I see the barrel!
- Where?!
Jacob!
Stop!!!
- Mom?
- Stop, honey, you're not gonna die!
- What?
- Oh, honey, you're not gonna die!
Get outta there!
Please open the lid, sweetheart.
Can you hear me?
- Okay, it's stuck.
- Toddy, get me a rock.
Do you understand me?!
You're not gonna die!
Honey, those pills?
That was Duke's stupid idea!
When you boys came home
with those pills,
I sure as hell wasn't gonna let my kids
be guinea pigs!
So I filled them with Tic Tacs!
- Tic Tacs?!
- Tic Tacs!
I mean, what mother lets her kids
test drugs for money?!
- I'm gonna live.
- Ah!
- Oh, my God.
I'm gonna live!!!
No! No! No!
- Jacob!!!
- I'm gonna die!
- Ah! Jake!
- Jesus. No, Nuts, will you...
Stop. Come on.
You're gonna get killed.
- Sooner or later.
- Not... today. Okay?
We'll... I dunno, we'll figure something out.
- Nah. Nah.
For the first time in my life,
I'm doing something that ain't all about me.
If that means taking a hook to my head
and making my short life even shorter...
...so fucking be it.
- Ref! Ref! Keep your eyes open, eh?
- Fuck him right up, Nuts!
- I just wish I had some sort of sign.
Y'know, maybe I have a serious problem.
Or maybe I am reckless.
Miranda, she's a...
She's a meat grinder.
Oh, really?
- There's gonna be a limb
getting hacked each and every week
with that one.
Maybe... maybe nothing matters anymore,
y'know?
I should just nut up and do this thing.
What do you think, bud?
You're probably right.
- Thanks.
Y'know, I was just chatting
with that guy over there
and, bam, it occurs to me
that those Maid of the Mist boats down there
would be pretty ideal
to mule drugs across the border.
So I was thinking...
Wait.
How well can you swim?
- Uh...
I, uh....
I woke up this morning, uh, with a plan,
y'know.
I was, uh, I was gonna to ask you
a really big question.
Well, then I'm not so sure... now.
Uh...
I-I-I'm just....
I'm looking for a sign, is all.
- Well, don't wait forever.
Life's short.
- Ha!
Yeah, that's very true.
- Help!!!
- That's very true. Okay.
Uh... fuck it.
Here goes.
Miranda...
- C'mon...
- C'mon! C'mon!
- Will you...
- Oh, my God.
Today is the 14th day
since the end of my life.
Now, I don't believe in miracles.
I believe in odds.
And if you forced my bet...
...I'd wager I'm straight-up dead.
And that this is one of those "life flashes
before your eyes" moments.
Like a dream you swear lasted months,
even though you knew
you just slept for an hour.
Or maybe a clever trick
your brain plays on your body
to ease that painful,
permanent fade to black...
... wrapping your head in warm thoughts
so you don't feel
the cold, hard hand of death.
But I saw things.
I saw my resurrection.
And this is what I saw.
I saw a slip of the noose
and it's off like a torpedo.
And when that giant man-pedo
decides to surface...
... well, I saw a sight to behold.
I saw my boy one last time.
- I'm looking for a sign.
- My reckless son.
And I knew...
- Miranda...
-...for once in my life...
- Will you...?
...I was there for him.
That was a sign!
I gotta go.
Then I saw my eldest.
And I was flooded by thoughts
of all the wrong I did to him.
Now, a dead body
floating in the water
miles away
can't possibly save my wayward son.
But if a concerned tourist
happened to call 911...
...and if the ambulance sent
to fish a bloated corpse out of the water
happened to skid off the road
and into a hydro pole...
...well, then my wayward son
suddenly stands a fighting chance.
I saw my boy...
and a weight came
off my heavy heart.
Like I could float.
Like the impossible
was made possible.
And just when I thought
I could feel no more joy,
I saw something else.
My other boy.
The one I never understood.
The odds in surviving the falls
are a million to one.
And I saw those odds beat.
I saw a twist of fate
that can only be called a miracle.
I saw that noose...
catch that barrel...
...and I knew that the odds
just didn't matter anymore.
It's something more
than impossible.
More than the odds can allow.
And then I saw the future.
And it was cloudier still.
But I know what I saw.
And I was basking in a light
I didn't deserve.
For I saw a miracle.
It was so close,
it was like I was there.
Like I was part of it.
Like I could almost touch it.
I saw the lives of my boys.
My family.
Fate erasing the stain
of all my misdeeds.
And I knew everything
was going to be okay.
For I had a reversal of fortune.
A resurrection.
A bona-fide miracle.
And I was so happy,
I knew I must be dead.
# Oh yeah there
# Oh there
# There goes your corpse again
# Oh yeah
# Talking with your new girlfriend
Oh yeah
# What you think that he said
# You're better off dead
# Oh yeah there
# Oh yeah
# There goes your skull and bones
# Oh yeah
# Talking through a broke telephone
Oh yeah
# Will he play as they fall
# Through the bathroom wall
# And I've never let you down
# Oh yeah
were a lot like the rest of my life.
Things didn't go
exactly as planned.
If you asked me what the odds
in an amateur hanging
going off without a hitch were,
I'd say about one in three.
A few things can happen.
Put the noose too high?
Swing for hours.
Too low?
Choke for minutes.
But hit that sweet spot,
the neck'll snap just so.
One in three.
Okay...
...one in four.
I was born a gambler.
Cards, dice,
sports, horses.
I'd bet on anything if
the odds were right.
But now I've lost a bet
that cost me more than money.
It's cost me my family.
My family defies all odds.
Five kids; all boys.
The odds in that?
One in 16.
Five boys from three
different women?
One in 300.
Staying married to my first wife
through that?
Somewhere south of zero.
That's my eldest son, Nuts.
Born during a heat wave.
His mother says
that's what gives him his temper,
but... I think the kid was born
with a sour disposition.
Nuts wasn't one for school.
All he ever wanted to
be was a pro boxer.
But... well...
things didn't go exactly as planned.
That's my second boy, Cal.
Poor kid inherited
my weakness for women.
I knew pretty early on when he found a way
to join an all-girls prep school.
Now that one cost
me a small fortune.
Come Christmas, he shows up
with a different gal each year.
And let's just say he's got a type.
After Cal came my third boy, Jacob.
Smart, organized.
Holds down a real job.
Huh. Y'know,
when you say it all together like that,
makes me wonder if
he's mine after all.
Now, I'm no saint.
Fact is, I'd probably catch on fire
if I ever did step foot in church.
So long story short:
her name was Champagne.
And nine months later, boy number four
shows up on my doorstep.
The kid's got a lot of heart.
Everyone calls him Juicebox
because, well...
...I wouldn't call a kid slow, but...
... well, he's got a big heart.
Goldie forgave me for Champagne.
But you know what they say:
fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you're divorced.
Sometimes life throws
you a curve ball.
A tiny, Vietnamese curve ball.
After what became colourfully known
as the Saigon Incident,
Goldie, quite understandably, left me.
But she never stopped
being a good mom to the boys,
even the ones that weren't hers.
And that's my family.
The most unlikely bunch
you'll ever chance upon.
And seeing as I'd sooner die
than see any harm come to them...
...today's gonna be
the last day of my life.
The odds of surviving
a trip over Niagara Falls are long.
It's happened exactly once.
Back in '53, some kid lucked out.
But he had an adult-sized life jacket on,
so I'm not sure it counts.
Now that's not to knock
what the lil' tiger went through,
but a boy that small
in a life jacket that big?
The kid's practically a fuckin' pontoon.
But I don't want to
beat the odds here.
For once,
I want them stacked against me.
Just like I stacked them
against my oldest boys.
So I need a miracle.
For my family.
For fate to erase the weight
of all my misdeeds.
A reversal of fortune.
A resurrection.
A real, bona-fide miracle.
But I don't believe in miracles.
I know that it's time
# And you're staying in
# La la la la la la la la la
# And you're staying home
# And I'm all alone
# La la la la la la la la la
# Wontcha wontcha wontcha
bring a little water
# Bring a little wine
# Bring a little lovin'
# And I feel fine
# I know that you want to
# And I know that you do
# Come in here and love with me
# It's thunder and rain
# But it's all the same
# La la la la la la la la la
# Ha
I'm paying for this call
# And I don't mind at all
# La la la la la la la la la
# Wontcha wontcha wontcha
bring a little water
# Bring a little wine
# Bring a little lovin'
# And I feel fine
# I know that you want to
# And I know that you do
# Come in here and love with me
- We're gathered here
to mourn the passing of Edward...
"Duke" White.
Some of us knew him.
Some of us loved him.
And apparently some of us
are just here for the free donuts.
Ahem.
Duke... never did
anything the normal way,
so... it's no surprise
we don't have a body to bury.
- Move.
- And, of course,
Duke wasn't much for church.
In fact, only time
he ever got anywhere near the Bible
was when he swore to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but.
In case you were wondering,
he... he didn't.
So instead of reading Bible verse,
I'm gonna recite the lyrics
to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird.
- Mom didn't show?
- We couldn't get a hold of her.
Why are you late?
- Flight was delayed
and I had a detour on the highway.
- What was her name?
- Candyanna.
- Even her name makes me wanna
put on a condom, or strip.
- Would you two shut up?
We're at a goddamn funeral.
- It's okay.
- "Lord knows I can't change.
"Lord help me...
I can't change."
Ahem. Now I'd like to have
Duke's five boys come up here
and place a personal memento
in the coffin.
He was...
...the best brother a man could have.
- He was the worst father
a man could have.
- A bus pass?
- I didn't know
we were supposed to bring presents.
That's my watch.
- Please don't make a big deal about this.
- That's my watch.
- Do not make a big deal about it!
- Don't! Cal! Get the fuck off, Cal!!!
- Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
What's the matter with you?
You should be ashamed of yourself,
throwin' punches like that!
Snap the wrist.
# I'm a crawler baby
# Well I crawl right after you
# I'm the crawler baby
# I crawl right after you
- Breaks my heart
we had to trot out Ol' Rusty.
Come Christmas dinner, there's Rusty.
Everybody's birthday party,
you know Rusty's gonna be invited.
But... Ol' Rusty at your father's funeral?
This family's got a certain reputation,
and tonight
you boys pretty much cemented it.
Think we can get through
the reading of the will
without having to call a paramedic?
- I can.
- Shut up.
- You know what?
I gotta take a piss.
I'll be right back.
- Alright, where's the, uh...
waitress in this place?
Thank you!
Um, but I'd rather you sprayed mace
into my mouth. But...
I will let you try this very nice
single-malt scotch I discovered.
- You discovered it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You fucking Magellan?
Circumnavigating the globe
in search of flavour?
Don't put on airs with me, okay?
I've seen you drink lighter fluid.
- I remember that.
It made you weird.
- I dunno what you're talking about.
It's good, isn't it?
- It's... pretty good.
- Bottoms up.
- Jacob, what happens when we die?
- Uh, wow. Ahem.
I don't know, Todd.
What I do know is that good guys
like you go to heaven.
- Dad was a pretty good guy, huh?
He was a good... yes, he was a...
He was a good...
- Uh... you know what, buddy?
Don't worry about it.
He's probably not even dead.
He's only been gone for two weeks.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
- Don't do that.
- Don't do what?
- Don't give him false hope.
Just bear the kid's feelings--
- You want me to think about the kid...
This coming from...
I remember when the two of you
put Xs and Os all over his face
with permanent marker.
He went to school
and they called him Tic Tac Todd!
- That was a decade ago!
How do you even remember that?
Are you used to holding on to small things?
- That's hilarious.
- See what I did right there?
When I said "small things,"
I meant something different?
- 'Kay, guys, got some drinks here.
- I meant your penis.
- Beer.
- Thank you.
- OJ... and a Mint Julep.
- Uh, you know what, doll?
Actually, this is not a Mint Julep.
- This ain't the Glass Slipper, princess.
It's a beer
with a shot of Peppermint Listerine.
'Bout as close as you're gonna get.
- Mm. Think she's bad news, Cal.
- No. Her?
- Tattooed on her back.
- Oh, yeah, it is. Huh.
- Alright, before we read the will,
should we have a little toast?
- Yeah.
- To Duke.
May you be 40 years in heaven
before the Devil knows you're dead.
- I can't drink this.
- Last Will and Testament...
of Edward White.
- My boys...
...I'm leaving you
with a heart full of regret.
I should've been a better father
and been there for you instead of myself.
I should've settled down
and been a better husband.
Your mother was a good woman.
Juicy's, too.
Even Soo Ling wasn't that bad.
And, most of all, I should've led a life
that didn't end with a list of regrets.
The fact is, the only thing
I don't regret is you boys,
and I'm proud of you all.
So let's get down to who gets what.
- "To Nuts,
I leave my bar of silver."
- Remember to keep your chin up.
There's always a silver lining, boy-o.
To Cal,
I leave the White family wedding ring.
Marry a good one, son.
And be sure she's a good one.
- "Can't run around
like a bull in a vagina shop forever."
- To Jacob, I leave the Elvis suit
from the '72 Burnin' Love tour,
worn in Phoenix and Albuquerque. "
- Wait... wait a sec.
Who wore it in Phoenix and Albuquerque?
- It... does not really say.
- To Juicy and Todd...
...I leave 380 in cash.
Truth is, I'm not sure what you're into,
so just buy whatever it is you're in to.
And it better not be drugs.
And as for the house,
I'm leaving it all to you boys to live in.
Just so long
as you don't kill each other first.
- "And that's who gets what.
Now for the hard part."
- I've done a terrible thing.
Nuts, Cal, Jacob,
you may recall that drug-testing thing
I signed you up for back in '99.
Are you male? 18 to 31?
Non-smoker?
If so, Bovastrada Pharmaceuticals
has an opportunity for you.
Now this ain't an excuse,
but I was concussed at the time.
A man doesn't think clearest
after a concussion.
And just ask Rudy Arbour
what you can do with $2,000!.
- I got a Ski-Doo with my money.
And I only had to take
two pills a week for a month.
- "It paid you two grand each--"
- Wait a minute.
We never got two grand.
That's not right. We got one grand.
- Yeah...
Duke... took 50.
Finder's fee.
They paid you two grand each,
but it turns out there's a lot more money
involved than that.
This morning, a lawyer shows up
asking me to pass on documents to you boys.
Some kind of legal settlement
that I would've known about earlier,
but you know how I feel about letter mail.
So I forged a few signatures
to speed up the process.
Long story short: $100,000 per head.
I wanted to find the right way
to break it to you, is all.
And there's no easy way
to say this next part.
But I saw all those zeroes.
Holy shit.
They're off!.
I could tell you
it was a sure thing.
I could say I was doing it
to make you all a pile more dough.
Plus a finder's fee for myself.
But that doesn't make it right.
And the strategic long shots I backed
to recoup my initial losses,
well, weren't so strategic.
Now there's no easy way to say this,
so I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Nuts, Cal, Jacob...
Boys...
...you three are gonna die.
- Excuse me?
- What?
- We are gonna...?
- Yes, it's...
- Let me see the dam n--
- Let me read it!
"And it's my fault."
The side effects of Affekterol
are mood swings and loose bowels.
The one long-term side effect
is much worse:
permanent cardiovascular damage.
Affekterol weakens the walls
of your ticker.
Now a stiff breeze could do you in.
It's bloody amazing none of you
have cashed out already.
Now, I figure a man who's done
what I've done is only fit for the grave.
I can't look at you boys.
Or myself.
So I'm gonna go on dying,
'cause I can't go on living.
Goodbye, boys.
I love you all...
...even if I never
did show it very well.
- Maybe it's just all a mistake.
- Take Todd and Juicy home.
- Maybe Duke just got it wrong.
- Take Todd and Juicy home.
- Okay, let's go.
- I don't believe it.
- There's no way. We're fine.
- No way, right?
- I'm fine. We're fine. Yeah.
- This is years ago.
- Dad's always shaky on the facts anyway.
- We're not dyin'.
- If we are, my liver goes first.
# I can't sleep at night
# Can't turn out the light
# Got to get alright
# Get myself alright
I can try
# But I know it's true...
# Take what I got
Till the sun is rain
# The sun is coming
I can pay my train
# I can't sleep at night
I can't sleep at night
# I can't sleep at night
Hey hey hey
# Alright
Hey hey hey
# Ha
Woo
# Hey hey hey
# Alright
Hey hey hey
# Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
Fuck.
Ahem.
Yeah.
- So is baby brother ready for his debut?
- Ah... no.
Not at all.
- Tank Boy is.
Cracked three jaws of his
sparring partners this week.
The whole pie, that one!
- Yeah. Just don't let him kill Juicy,
would ya?
- Oh, we're just padding Tank's record,
is all.
But ping-pong it is not.
Three good rounds.
- Mm-hmm.
Piss.
What's the matter with you?
You fighting tonight and you eating this?
It's like... giving your stomach a...
...perm.
- It's still on?
- Yeah. Ahem.
- I just... I thought--
- Yeah, no. Nothing's changed.
Now hit the gym,
take off these stupid...
Who did this?
- Me.
- You got beaten up by Todd?
- Please.
- Oh.
- I'd hardly call it "got beaten up".
- Really?
- Okay? It was a lucky shot,
and if I had any warning...
I got combo'd.
You little twat!!! It's on!
- Hey, relax.
Sit down.
- What's a twat?
- It's, uh... the smallest cone
they got at Dairy Queen.
- Fuck you, Todd.
- Relax! Put your pants back on
and go hit the gym.
Hopefully you do better against Tank Boy
than you do against 10-year-old Asian kids.
- Hey.
- Can't talk. Gotta shower.
- Come on. You know he's retarded.
Don't pick on him.
- Hey, Toddy.
- Nuts is making me a race-car pancake.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm tryin', Toddy.
Y'know...
I'm sorry. I--
What?
- Y'know, sometimes
a cigar is just a cigar.
But that, that's a cock, buddy.
- Yeah.
What are you eating for breakfast?
- Well, I am attempting
to turn the food pyramid on its ass.
I'll even eat
your freaky little erotic cock-cake.
Who cares anymore?
- Would you quit it with that stuff, okay?
We're gonna be fine. Alright?
When I hear we're dying
from a guy like dad,
all I think of is the million tall tales
he ever told.
- Dust settles.
Maxie turns to me and says,
"Duke, that man you just cold-cocked?
Bette Midler!"
On the Virgin Mary's eyes.
Swear to Jesus.
- Duke could teach a master class
in bullshit.
- You know what I think?
- What's that?
- I think you're in denial.
- Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
- This is what you do.
This is what you do in life.
You ignore the facts.
- I do not!
- And then you get defensive.
- Wrong again.
- And then you lash out!
- Hey, fuck you!
We're not dying.
- Yes, we are.
- What?
- I just got back from the doctor
and he told me flat out...
...we are dying.
- Your vitals are still solid.
- Right.
- Won't know for sure
without the blood test.
- Right, right.
- Look, if you did take Affekterol...
- I did. I mean, it was years ago, though.
- Well - ahem -
you've got an opportunity here.
- Okay.
- Is there anything
you ever really wanted to do, son?
- Well, y-y-yeah, like a million things.
- Do 'em.
- Duke dealt us a bad hand, bro.
- A bad hand?
I didn't even get cards, okay?
I got, like, a bus transfer
and a fucking coupon for tampons.
- It's a wake-up call.
I'm gonna make a list.
- Sounds like a very "you" thing to do.
- Things are gonna change.
I got, like, a million things I wanna do.
- Actually thought that that would be
something you would do. It's weird.
- What do you mean, you thought?
- I was just thinking,
"I wonder what he's gonna do?"
- What do you mean--
- Are you guys fucking high?!
We're dying! Where's your anger?!
- C'mere, Nuts. C'mere.
- What're you doing?
What are you doing?
- Just giving my big brother a hug.
- I don't need a fucking hug.
- Why?
- Ah... Christ. Gerbil.
It's a lot of death for one week,
isn't it, buddy?
- You want one?
- What, a hug?
- Yeah. I'm just handing them out.
- No, no, no, no. No.
- Yeah. Come on, we're not--
- I'm cool with it. It's cool.
- Honestly, you're cool with it, Cal?
We're dying and you're cool with it?
- Okay, alright. I'm not cool with it.
Alright?
I'm not fucking cool with it.
I am the opposite of cool! Okay?
We're dying!
My life is a mess,
and I know I'm gonna end up
just like Duke!
I woke up this morning next to a woman,
and let's just say that I walked
where angels fear to tread.
Oh, boy.
- 'Morning.
- Pfft... Yes...
So it is... morning.
Did we, uh...
Did we do it?
- If by "it" you mean
going a couple of minutes,
throwing up in my purse
and then crying yourself to sleep,
then, yeah, we did it.
- Sorry. Yesterday was, um...
...was very emotional for me.
I buried my father, allegedly.
- You mentioned that. I'm sorry.
- Ah, don't be sorry.
Duke lived his life... so hard,
he made Iggy Pop look Amish.
- Um, wait a second. Duke?
Duke White?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Why?
You knew him?
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna end up like Duke,
I'm gonna end up like Duke!
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
Listen, I don't wanna play Junior Freud here,
but by the transitive property of penises...
...I think I fucked mom last night.
- What's that?
- The waitress.
Dad and I both slept with her.
Something has to change in me.
The ring, it was a sign. Y'know?
I gotta stop whoring around
and I need to settle down!
- Yes. Yes!
- I think I know who with.
- Don't say it.
Don't--
- Miranda.
- Oh, God.
- She's the one who got away.
- No! She didn't get away, Cal.
She got incarcerated!
- She's the only woman
who ever gave me that rush!
- That wasn't a rush!
That was Chlamydia!
- You don't understand.
You don't understand and that is fine.
Alright? I wanna feel what it feels like
to be with her again.
You don't know her like I do!
- This is not the right move, okay?!
This is like...
this is like you're killing yourself
before you're dying!
Before you're killing yourself.
Do you know what I mean?
- C'mere.
I'll take that hug now.
- Oh, you're ready for your hug now?
I love you, Cal.
- I love you, too.
Alright, let's butch this up
before Nuts comes back.
- Oh, Jesus.
It's all fuckin' Steel Magnolias in here.
- Just a hug, a hug...
It's a brother hug, man.
- It's like we're in Europe,
with all this man huggin'.
- Europe. That's a good idea, Europe.
I think I'd like Europe.
- No, no, you wouldn't.
I've been there. It's very...
swishy.
- Yeah, I know, they can elect him king.
- There is no King of Europe, Nuts.
- Fine. Queen.
- That's funny. That's very funny.
- It is funny.
- I'm not taking your shit anymore, either,
by the way. That's on my list.
I love you both, but growing up with you
was... fucking hell.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah.
- We were fucking kids.
What do you want?
- We would play Hungry, Hungry Hippos,
and I would shit marbles
for a week and a half.
That wasn't fun for me.
- Oh, come on.
- You know what I did this morning?
I quit my job.
Yeah, hi, it's Jacob.
I won't be coming into work today. I quit.
And tell Jerry in HR that he's a...
total dick weed.
And an asshole, too.
It felt better than anything that I've done
for the last 10 years of my entire life.
So starting today,
I'm going Evel Knievel on everything.
I'm gonna take every stupid risk I can.
All my life I've been worrying
about the long run
and there is no long run anymore,
there's just... there's just this sprint.
And it's standing right in front of me.
It's a fucking sprint.
It's a sprint!
You fucked that kid up, not me.
I'll take half the blame.
Hi. I'd like to make a withdrawal.
- Okay.
- And close all my accounts, please.
That's right
Listen I got a story to tell you
about a man named
Bin Sala Bin
There's a dude I know
Oh yeah
Living on the other side of town
I'll take it.
Alright
Oh oh oh oh oh
- We're gathered here today...
to bid farewell to Mister Amazing.
- Mister Awesome.
- Mister Awesome, yes...
was just a... great gerbil.
- Hamster.
- Yes. He, um...
...will always be remembered as a...
...just an excellent...
...chewer.
Happy trails, Mister Awesome.
C'mon, buck up, we'll get you another one.
- I don't want another one.
- Hey... what do we
do when we get upset?
- Walk it off.
- What? No, no, no.
Hey, hey, the other thing.
That's right. We hug through it.
- What, really? Really?
Didn't see that one coming.
- You're the best brother in the world.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you want some more, Tank Boy?
- I'm the worst brother in the world.
- Come on, boys!
Stick it, stick it, stick it! C'mon.
Okay, one, two!
I wanna hear a slap.
Stick it. One, two. Boys!
- Hey.
Fight's cancelled.
- Is it, now?
- Juicy ain't fighting.
- Well, Tank Boy is.
And I don't care a lick who he kills so long
there's a light-heavyweight getting hurt.
- Yeah. Here's your money back.
- Let me be blunt, lad.
You took your money.
You been bought.
No refunds.
Don't make me go to the office
and get the management.
- No, Fitz.
How much to call it off?
- Twenty.
- Thousand?!
I don't got that!
- Really?!
Puffy vest?
Whiff o' Old Spice?
Prison-grade tattoos?
Here I had you pegged
as old money for sure.
- No fuckin' way you're makin' 20 grand
off this fight.
- Well, don't be daft, lad.
Of course not.
But I'll make a far sight more
in two years' time
when an undefeated Tank Boy,
in on the fix,
Ioses to an unranked pug
no one's ever heard word of.
Jesus! I got the chessboard out,
you're playin' Bingo!
Okay, boys, take a break.
- Fine, fine, fine.
Just... just keep the management out of this.
I'll... I'll find the money.
- Sure you will.
You hop on your unicorn,
you go shake down a leprechaun.
See you later.
- I'm approaching 1 90.
From the north.
What about me?
- As a fighter?
- Yeah.
- You're a little past
your prime, my friend.
No one'd pay to see that.
- You're just padding his record.
Plus you get this back.
- Mm...
Tank Boy! C'mere!
Meet a legend.
You ever heard tell of Nuts White?
- No.
Why they call you Nuts?
- Just a nickname.
- No!
Eddie White. Twelve and 0.
Never fought above the undercard.
Never touched the canvas.
But he's not called Nuts
on account ofhis pugilistic talents.
No!.
But on account
of every fighter in the country
is magnetically drawn
to punching him in the balls.
Undefeated.
And all disqualifications
for shots to the cherries, huh?
Everybody smells the fix.
Everybody knows his old man...
is riggin' his bouts.
And now old Nuts...
can't even line up a bout of diarrhea.
Until today.
- So I'm fighting?
- You're fighting.
Let's get back at it, boys!
- Yeah. Ahem.
- This is AT&T.
You have a collect call from--
Wait. Do I press...
Do I press a 0 now?
- You have 63 cents in your account.
Press 1 to accept the charges.
- Ma. Hey, uh... talk quick.
I'm almost out of minutes.
- Honey! I am so sorry.
I just heard about Duke.
Wendell and I were at a meditation retreat
and we just got back this morning,
and I'm on the next plane.
Is everyone okay?
I-I can't get anyone at the house.
- It's... it's been a crazy day.
- Oh, sweetheart. I know you and Duke
had your ups and downs,
but your father was many things,
some of them good,
some of them not so good,
but he loved you boys,
and if the could--
- Out of minutes.
- Oh, fuck.
- Well... I'm getting married.
- Come to the right place, then.
I'll talk you out of it.
- No, no. I, uh, don't need your blessing.
I just want the ring.
- Who's the lucky lady?
- Miranda.
- Is she aware of your intentions?
- Uh, no.
I haven't seen her for years, so, no.
- Okay, you just got
some pretty terrible news
and I'm guessin' you're still drunk.
So I'm inclined to believe
that you might not be thinking
all that clearly at the moment.
You're forcing my hand here, okay?
My hand is forced.
My office.
The Wall of Fame.
- Fuck, she's married.
- And then some.
- She's on her second marriage?
- Actually she's a three-peat.
It's not what you think, either.
She didn't get one divorce.
They died.
All of 'em.
Now, her first husband, he got shot.
Sure, they called it a hunting accident,
but two in the head?
Ten in the groin?
The second husband died
the day after they separated.
This time they called it driver error.
I don't know how many errors
a fella could make in the trunk of a car.
And the third fella, he didn't make it
through the honeymoon.
No one knows what happened to him.
Well... most of him, anyway.
Now, I'm not saying
she killed 'em, but...
somebody should slap a warning label
on that gal.
Do you get the moral of the story?
- Think I do.
- Good.
- She's single.
Thanks for the ring.
- Yeah.
Thanks for the car keys.
Can't let you go, buddy.
- Fine.
- Don't break the window.
That's your car?
Wow. What, did you carjack a beautician?
- It's a rental.
Believe in signs, Pal?
- I believe in not marrying the girl
who invented the Body Shop.
- Duke wills me a wedding ring
on the day
that I find out I'm gonna die.
That is a sign. Alright?
I don't wanna die alone.
Not like Duke.
I'm settling down.
- I-I think not being like Duke
is a great idea,
so stop whoring around, okay?
But...
n-not Miranda.
Th-that-that's... reckless, okay?
And that's more like Duke than anything.
- Reckless, huh?
Gonna break the window
and try to hotwire the car
if you don't give me the keys.
- I know you will.
- Thank you.
My second hug today.
Hey.
- Hey. What's up with the car?
Coaching a fucking women's softball team?
- It's a rental.
Her name's Cindy and I love her.
What are you doing?
- Gonna do something stupid.
- Oh, me too. You'd think we're related.
- Yeah.
Say hi to Miranda for me.
- What? How do you know that?
- C'mon. I know everything you're gonna do
before you do it.
- Uh, no, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- Okay. I'm thinking of a person right now.
- Don't be stupid.
- Actor. Famous!
- C'mon. Billy Dee Williams.
- Ugh, I hate you.
- No, you don't.
So...
Iooks like I need 20 grand
or I'm getting murdered tonight.
- What the hell is wrong with this family?
You can't dust 'em off.
- Yeah? And I can't raise 20 grand
by tonight, so, uh...
...where's my robe?
- Anytime you deal with Fitz,
you're gonna end up bloody
and a few dollars short, Nuts.
You can't fight.
- What am I supposed to do? Okay?
You haven't seen this Tank Boy kid.
It is like his mother... fucked a tractor.
Best-case scenario..
Juicy gets seriously injured.
- Will you listen to me? You can't fight!
- Yeah? And I let Juicy fight,
I'm no better than Duke.
Fixin' fights, lyin', cheatin'--
- No... if you fight, you will die.
- Yeah? I dunno if you heard the news,
but it's happening anyway.
- Do you wanna die a few months
down the road, maybe a year,
or do you wanna die tonight?!
- What are you talking about?
- Alright...
I promised your father
I wouldn't tell you this.
- Tell me what?
- You remember Detroit?
- Yeah.
- Well, there's a shitload
you don't know about Detroit.
- Really? What's to know about Detroit?
After Detroit, they weren't gonna call me
Nuts anymore, right?
You remember the new name?
- Eddie "The Power" White.
- Eddie "The Power" White!
# Let me hear you say it
Ho
I lined up that fight
with John "The Baptist" myself,
so Duke couldn't run his old grift.
Punching another man's junk is pretty much
like gay marriage to a guy like him.
Better still?
Jesus freaks never take bribes.
- Duke probably saved your life that night.
- Did he?
- When I tell my son to oil up
and he smears on the Italian dressing,
I can't help but think
he's 30% retarded.
- Nah, it's genius, 'cause his brain's
telling him "time to fight,"
but his nose is saying "time to eat".
Confusin' him.
Bam, bam, bam!
- 40%.
- These the new trunks?
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Did you ever ask yourself
why they were always punching you
in the groin instead of the noggin'?
Or why the other guy
didn't just take a dive?
- Stop right there, okay?
- Listen...
Touch your skull, right around there.
- This? Yeah. It's my lucky bump.
- I don't know how lucky it is.
The day you were born,
you got dropped on your melon.
You fell down the stairs
when you were about six months.
Again when you were a year old.
By the time you got to kindergarten,
you'd been concussed upwards of 10 times.
You were just a...
really uncoordinated little pecker.
- Oh, ho, ho!
"Eddie The"?
- I told 'em
"Eddie The Power White" six times.
That font is a little big.
Maybe they ran outta room.
- Two minutes before I tussle,
you spring this on me?!
I asked you to do one thing!
- You were always one blow to the head
away from permanent brain damage, at least.
That fresh start you wanted
could've been your funeral.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my... Oh, my God!
I can't wear these!
- Why not?
- 'Cause I can't wear
White Power trunks...
in fucking Detroit!
God. What am I gonna do?
- We're in a tight spot.
- Oh, yeah?
You think? Maybe I can put
a sweater around my waist
like I just got my fucking period!
Fuck.
Let's go!
- You gotta call it off, boy-o.
- I can't.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What's wrong?
- You know you can't fight in your robe, son!
- Okay. What about a sweater
tied around my waist?
- What?
- Look, my shorts,
they say "White Power" on 'em.
I am so sorry.
They say "White Power."
I know. It was a mistake.
- Fuck you, cracker!
- Fuck you!
- Get out! C'mon, get out!
You could take
a little light sparring,
but you lined up
an honest-to-goodness fight
with a bona-fide contender.
- So he came up with the trunks.
- Yeah, actually,
the trunks was my idea.
But it was Duke's idea
to bet on your disqualification.
The proceeds from which...
bought this silver bar.
- Then why...
why'd he let me fight at all?
- Your career was supposed to be,
y'know, one or two fights.
Couple of blows to the balls and he thought
you'd get smart and walk away.
But... he was weak and, uh...
...he found it was... profitable,
knowing the outcome.
Now you,
you just don't know when to quit.
You were a shitty boxer, Nuts.
The Duke tried to protect you
the only way he knew.. by fixing fights.
'Cause he loved his son.
And...
y'know, betting on sure things.
And that is why you cannot fight...
...ever again.
- Oh, my God.
- It ain't 20 grand...
But it's a start.
- Ah! You son of a...
- Miss Benatar.
Had a '72 El Camino.
Named her after Pat Benatar,
sexiest woman ever to grace
God's green Earth.
'Course, I called her
Miss Benatar, 'cause...
y'know, a fella callin' his ride Pat
might create the impression
he was into Irish dudes.
What're you working on down there?
- Well, I wanna make it sound really loud.
So, uh... I, uh, figured if I...
got underneath it
and just banged around with a wrench,
it would just kinda happen.
Didn't work.
- You just drill some holes in the muffler.
That'll get her growlin'.
- You can do that?
- Let's lift up her blouse there,
see what's she's got, huh?
- Yeah.
- It's a nice blue. Mine was green.
Your dad used to call it the Green Latrine.
- I think, um...
- Right here.
- Right.
- Oh, wow.
What're you gonna call her?
- "Pat" was in the lead.
I dunno, I guess I'm gonna add
picking a name to my to-do list.
- A list? That's smart.
- I dunno about smart.
The words "death defying"
appear, like, six times.
- Y'know, livin' like
there's no tomorrow
is... a pretty good way
to make sure there won't be one.
I don't have to worry
about you, too, do I?
- Actually, no.
I feel pretty much unstoppable.
- Here.
Let's make some noise, huh?
Fuck it.
- Where you going dressed like that?
- See for yourself.
- Can I come?
- Sure.
- Can I dress up, too?
- I encourage it.
- Oh! Can we go to Dairy Queen
and pick up some twats?
- Yeah.
# Chicken
# Pay the chicken back back
Pay the chicken back payback
# Chicken back
# Do the Chicken payback
Piggy
# Pay the piggy back back
Pay the piggy back payback
# Piggy back
Do the piggy payback
# Monkey pay the monkey back back
# Pay the monkey back
See the monkey do the monkey
# Pay the monkey back
# Chicken pay the chicken back back
Pay the chicken back
# Pay back the chicken back back
# Do the chicken payback
Camel
# Pay the camel back
Sitting on a camelback
# See the camel do the camel
Pay the camel back
# Donkey
Pay the donkey back back
# Pay the donkey back
Pay back the donkey payback
# Payback
Pay back the donkey
# All the animals together
Break it down
# Let me hear you
I want it... right there.
- Why don't you let me see it?
- 'Cause.
- Let me see it.
- No.
- Why don't you let me see anything?
- Because I'm...
There, want to see it?
- What are those?
- They're... they're...
man dots.
Special man dots, okay?
- What's a man dot?
- Look, T odd, it hurt a lot more
than I thought it would, alright?
And if you ever think about doing
something as stupid as getting a tattoo,
I swear you better get a picture of me
so the cops'll know who killed you.
- Not interested.
- In what?
- Man in a suit comes to my house,
he's either pushing a religion or a warrant.
- You don't recognize me?
- Look, my seven-foot-tall boyfriend
carries a machete with him wherever he goes.
- It's Cal.
Twelfth grade? Best summer ever?
- Jesus! Is that you?
Oh!
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Okay, alright. That's illegal.
- You look so grown up and clean.
- Thank you.
- What you doing in town?
- Family business.
- And you find time to visit me.
I feel so flattered.
Flattered and stalked.
- Well, um... seeing
as I'm not from these parts anymore,
I was sort of looking for a tour guide.
But if your seven-foot-tall
machete-wielding boyfriend has an issue,
I understand. I just...
- Aw, I just say that
to keep the pigs at bay.
Let's go play tourist.
That your car?
Did you save up your babysitting money
to buy that?
- It's a rental.
# You can't take my girl
# Away from me mister
# Ah ah ah ah ah
Oh no no no no no
# You can't steal my guy
# Away from me sister
# Ah ah ah ah ah
# 'Cause we're so in love
# So in love
So in love
# So in love
# Are we
# You can't break this spell oflove
#Hey mister Oh no no no no no
Ah ah ah ah ah
So you're a mechanic these days?
- The motorcycle?
Sure, a mechanic.
What about you?
- Oh, you know me.
- Still getting by on charm and good looks?
- I suppose you're coasting by
on your knowledge of the deadly arts.
- Is that some kind of clever reference
to my marital difficulties?
- Oh, no, no--
- All because a girl can handle firearms
and knows her way around explosives
doesn't mean she killed anyone.
- Hey, hey, I meant no offence.
- I don't know what you've heard...
...but it's just one of those things.
Or, in this case, three of those things.
So don't go all Sherlock Holmes on me.
- Hey.
I'm just trying to solve the case
of how you got so beautiful.
- You always were a velvet-tongued devil,
weren't you?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
What is that... blouse he's wearing?
- Hey, guys. What's with the threads?
- It's a long story.
Let's just say Todd and I landed parts
in a very misunderstood off-Broadway play
and we'll leave it at that.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- So how's army life?
- Do you babysit?
- What?
- Yeah, I got an Xbox.
- Okay, you're not doing this.
Gimme the ring. I'm not letting you do it.
- Stop it. Stop it. Why are the two of you
always in my lady business? Always.
- We only do that because we're the only ones
who care enough to call you on your bullshit.
- Twat?
- What?
- Remember how you and Nuts
used to stick up for me in high school?
- Yeah. For a reasonable rate, I might add.
- That's all I'm trying to do right now,
is protect my big brother, okay?
She is a... fucking disaster.
She's a stupid, crazy...
She's a bitch.
- You may be right.
But... you don't know how this feels.
- What what feels like?
I've had girlfriends before, okay?
- Really?
- I know a little something. I've had--
- How many? Really? Really?
- Tons. Four. Three.
- Gimme that.
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm adding it to your list.
I think it's important.
- Now, don't write on my--
- Don't touch me.
Got anyone in mind?
Come on, doll.
- Is that her?
- Yep.
- Go on!
- I will. I'm just... I'm just...
...paralysed with fear. Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So one adult, one veteran?
- Well, uh...
Uh, actually,
I just wanted to tell you something.
So, uh...
I'm not here to ask you for a date
or for you to be my sweatheart--
- What's a... "sweat heart"?
- S... s... sweetheart.
I'm sorry,
I didn't have a chance to proof this.
Um...
Okay... here it is.
Sometimes I see you on my way to work
in the mornings.
I don't mean that in, like,
a stalker, creepy way,
I just mean, "Hey, there she is."
Every morning.
And I noticed that you smile at everybody
who walks by - everybody - even me.
And I could never smile back.
Like, ever.
Maybe because you have...
the sweetest smile I've ever seen
and I just can't compete with that,
y'know.
And... and no one handles stoned teenagers
as well as you do, like, anywhere.
And that's a gift,
believe me.
And...
you don't have to worry,
'cause I'm not gonna try
to ask you out on a date here,
because of a technical difficulty
with my existence.
But, uh, even if I wasn't dying,
I probably wouldn't have the courage
to ask you out anyway.
Usually I date women
who are easily distracted
and/or horribly depressed.
That's... that's my type,
just slow and sad.
And I probably shouldn't have said
that last part.
I just wanted you to know
that somebody... in this world
saw you from far away
and thinks that you're beautiful.
And if that can ever give you
even the tiniest bit
of a feeling of happiness,
then, uh, I'm happy
that I made a fool of myself.
- You're just sore
'cause I broke your heart.
- That wasn't my heart, it was my leg.
And it wasn't you,
it was your other boyfriend.
- That was a long time ago, Cal.
You must be used
to holding on to small things.
- That's hilarious.
So where the fuck are you taking me,
anyway?
- Private club. Members only.
- I don't think I belong here.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, just look around.
- Don't worry, they know me here.
- What, do you, uh, work here, too?
- I'm a mechanic, remember?
Give it a good home.
- Um, there's a creepy gentleman
down at the end of the bar
Iooking at me like, uh,
like he wants to fuck me.
- Don't worry about him.
It's a boyfriend thing.
- A boyfr... Um, um, hello!
Missing a vital piece of information,
apparently. What?
- Thought a guy like you would be more
nonchalant about something like this.
- Actually, you're wrong.
I'm very chalant about stuff like this.
Super fucking chalant. Let's go.
- You're not afraid of
Big Mitch there, hmm?
- Absolutely not, okay?
But it still doesn't make it swell
for me to be drinking at a biker bar
with your boyfriend, okay?
- Ex-boyfriend.
We broke up.
- When?
- Last night.
- Last night?
Okay. You're fishing for jealousy
and you're trying to use me as bait.
- Tell you what,
I can use you...
...and you can use me...
...anyway you like.
Deal?
- Deal.
You just crossed a very fine line.
Here we go.
- Perhaps, uh...
perhaps you should go home, huh?
- Ahem.
How you doin'? Um... I'm Cal White.
I take it you're Big Mitch--
- Listen, pal, can I just tell you that--
- Whoa, whoa. I... just...
Can I say what I was gonna say? Please?
Now, listen, uh, Miranda there
is obviously a grownup
who can make her own decisions, right?
And, uh, today she's decided
to spend the afternoon with me, okay?
So I think that you should also be a grownup
and, uh, respect her decision.
Whaddya say, Big Mitch?
- Well, I say, uh...
Cal White?
- Mm.
- Meet Big Mitch.
- Oh...
You're Big Mitch?
- Yeah.
- That's Big Mitch! I'm Cal White.
Uh, that's Miranda, who you've,
um--
- I just heard the speech, fella.
- Okay. I like... This is...
Is this your place?
'Cause I was ask... It's a great...
- You're not going, are ya?
- I was gonna leave.
- No, you're not.
- I wish you'd let go of my hand.
- Have a seat.
- Okay.
- Now, Cal, the way I see it,
Miranda and I...
are havin' a tiny little lover's quarrel.
And the way you see it,
is she's movin' on to you.
Now, I call that a difference of opinion.
And do you know how we solve differences
of opinion here at Satan's Finest?
- Reasonable discourse?
- Wheel of Misfortune.
- The Wheel of Misfortune.
- What's a Wheel of Misfortune?
- Ho, ho, ho!
- If you're doin' this to impress me, Mitch,
it's not working.
- Rules is rules, baby.
- You don't own me.
I can see anyone I want to.
- You'll see Cal again here. At his funeral.
Spin it.
- Uh, wh-what's a Stick and Nail Fight?
- It's a fight with sticks and nails.
- I can't do this again. I'm out.
- Ivan, see her home.
- I'll go, too.
- No, no, no.
- Can I please just use the bathroom?
- Outside in five.
- 'Course there's no windows.
Gonna fuckin' die.
Okay, I'm gonna die.
You're gonna die.
- Why are you darkenin' my door, Nuts?
- Call it a down payment.
I'm not fightin'. Juicy ain't, either.
- Oh, Jesus!
A silver bar!
- Yeah.
- Argh, mate! What are you, a pirate?
You gonna sweeten the deal?
Throw in a few doubloons?
- I'll get the rest for you later.
- Well, I'm no pawn broker.
It goes on tonight.
- Okay, what if it doesn't?
What are you gonna do? Kill me?
I mean, 'cause I gotta tell you, Fitz,
that is a very... very ineffective threat
these days.
- If it were only up to me, Nuts, boy.
But... I'm afraid...
we're gonna have to talk
to the management
about all this.
- Oh, no, no, no! No!
Whoa, whoa! Ah! Ah!
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
- It's the management, boy!
It's the management!
Now we're negotiating, aren't we?
Ah!
- No, stop!!! Stop!!!
- You know the deal.
Now, maybe you don't
care about yourself,
but you care about
your baby brother.
One of you can get
hurt in the ring,
or both of yous can
get hurt in the street.
Choose wisely.
- He'll fight.
- Good.
Make sure it looks good.
- I'm gonna fucking die.
- "Boys, you three are gonna die."
- I'm actually gonna die.
Woo!
Okay. Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
This is it, obviously!
- Yep.
- Where's Miranda?
- I sent her home.
I didn't want have her see me kill you.
- What if I win?
- If you win,
you go and be with Miranda.
On my word of honour.
But I don't think either of us thinks
that's very likely.
- Okay.
You're sort of far away.
I mean, do I just... just whenever?
- You're really over-thinking this.
- Alright.
Alright, come on, baby.
You can do this thing.
I'm coming! Ah!
- Ah!
- Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
- Ahhhh!!!
- Young man...
I'm gonna make the
Jihad on your skull.
Ah!
- Huh? Huh?
Fuck it.
Hey, Mitch?
- Oh...
- What do I do now?
You want me to take you to the hospital,
or... or what?
- I didn't think you had it in you, dude.
Big Mitch is a man of his word.
So you go on.
You go to Miranda.
But you're takin' me with ya.
- What are you doing?
- I'm keeping my word.
- Okay, it's a really cute joke,
but will you get the key?
- I don't have a key to this one.
- C'mon, man!
- And I certainly don't have the key
to this one.
- Come on!
- I wanna do it, too!
- I said no!
- You never let me do anything!
- This is really dangerous, Todd, okay?
If I ever catch you doing something
this dangerous and stupid,
I will sell your testicles
to Chinese organ thieves.
- Stupid Jacob! Stupid blouse!
- Sassy.
- Oh, my God!
- How much longer
are we supposed to stay here?!
I mean, c'mon, man!
What about your word of honour?
- I'm keeping my word.
- Keeping? No, no!
This isn't keeping your word.
- Sure it is.
This is what they call passive resistance.
- Are you insane?
Seriously, what if a train comes?!
And what are we gonna do?
Sit here like assholes,
cuffed to the tracks all day?!
- I really didn't think
that far ahead.
Man, I really didn't think that far ahead.
- Oh, my God.
This isn't doing shit!
- Here, use my machete!
- Who the fuck carries a machete?
Jesus!
It's not working!
It's doing shit!
- Stop, stop. You're dulling the blade.
- So fucking what?!
- We need the blade sharp!
- Why do we need the blade sharp?
Why do we need the blade sharp?
- 'Cause you're gonna hack off my limb!
- I'm not hacking off your limb.
- Don't hack my limb,
I'll keep your fucking ass
on the track with me!
- I can't chop off your hand.
I can chop off your hand! Okay.
You alright?
- Go, man!
- I just wanna check in with you!
- Just hack the fucking limb!
- On the count of three!
- You fucking crazy?
It's gonna hurt more if I'm expecting it!
- Oh, I apologize if my hand-cutting
etiquette is a little off!
- Just do it when I'm not expecting it!
- On two, then!
- Just hack the fucking--
- Okay!
Ahhhh!!!
- Ahhhh!!!
- Hey, Mitch...
Stay awake.
We're almost at the hospital.
- Hey... what's with your car, man?
- It's a rental, okay?
Can we just not talk anymore
until we get to the hospital?
How 'bout that?
- I didn't think you had it in you, sport.
- Did I just... Did you not hear
what I just said, or what?
- Change the station, Mom.
- Let's go.
It's time.
Oh, really?
Thousand Island dressing?
What...?
Oh, what the fuck is that?
It looks like you got fucking shingles!
- Maybe I woulda got a better dressing
if you were there for me.
- Ah, you look like a fuckin' leper!
- Where were you?
- It doesn't matter, okay?
Just wipe that shit off.
We gotta weigh you in.
Maybe we'll pick up some Crisco.
- There it is.
- I don't even think it's for sale.
- Oh, it will be.
Remember, do not use our real names.
- You got it, Smell-vis.
- General Mayhem, let's roll.
Look, you can't tell anybody about this,
alright?
And if you ever think about doing
something as stupid as this, I swear,
I'm gonna... I will...
I'm not a very good role model, am I?
Alright, so the door's open.
Someone's home.
And I can't let them see the barrel.
So what do you say
if they ask you where I am?
- "What's a Jacob?"
- Perfect.
- Hey, Toddy.
- Keep your fucking thumb out.
- The second that bell rings,
I'm coming out with the one-four-three.
Then jab--
- Or, or, or...
just fucking work the outside.
- What?
- Yeah, you wear him down. You run.
Stick and jab, keep to the outside.
Y'know, tire him out a bit.
- No. I'm goin' for the early KO.
- That's...
certainly a possibility.
- Fuck, am I greasy!
Hey.
- Hmm?
- You brought your mitts?
- What?
Yeah. Yeah...
I... I slid by Pal's to...
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You're giving me your mitts?
- Yeah. Don't...
don't make a big deal of it.
- Nuts, I don't know what to say.
- Ahem. Don't say anything.
- I'm fuckin' touched... Nuts.
Nuts, you're the best
brother in the world.
- Why'd you have to say that?!
- What the fuck, Nuts?
- Ah, I...
I can't do this.
- What?!
- You're not fighting.
You're not ready for Tank Boy.
- Oh, I am ready!
You said Tank Boy was scrawny as fuck!
- Well, he's recently filled out.
- I'm in prime form!
- Juicy, you're 0-2 against Todd!
- You're just jealous.
- Ah...
Just... sit.
Listen to me.
I have done a lot of things in my life
that I'm not proud of, okay?
But recently certain things
have come to light...
and I'm seeing things different.
And I'm looking at my baby brother,
who I want to help and protect.
And I hope to God you don't hate me
for what I did, but...
...I signed you up for this fight
knowing you were gonna
get your ass handed to you.
- Right.
- What? No, no right! I sold you out!
For money!
And not a lot of it!
Juicy... Iook at me.
Don't do this.
- I'm gonna fight and I'm gonna win.
Hey.
What the fuck was that?
- That was Tank Boy.
- What?!
- Hoo.
- Todd... where's Cob?
I'll give you five bucks.
- He's heading over the falls.
- He...
"Marry a good one, son...
...like a bull in a vagina shop. "
She got incarcerated!
- They died. All of them.
-...doesn't mean she killed anyone!
- Something has to change in me.
The ring, it was a sign.
- That's reckless!
That's more like Duke than anything!
- I gotta stop whoring around
and I need to settle down.
- That was Chlamydia!
- The fuck am I doing?!
Okay, just relax.
Just relax.
What the fuck am I doing?
- Is he dead?
- He's fine.
Well, he lost a hand, but he's alright.
- Oh...
Just a hand?
- Yeah.
You wanna do some more sightseeing?
- What'd you have in mind?
- C'mon.
- I'm invincible.
Hoo. Woo! Ow!
- Wh-what is going on?
What is going on in that boy's head?! Why?!
- It's on his list.
- What list?
What pills?!
- The pills, y'know,
that they all took for money.
That's his car!
- Pull over!
- Jacob!
- Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
- I see the barrel!
- Where?!
Jacob!
Stop!!!
- Mom?
- Stop, honey, you're not gonna die!
- What?
- Oh, honey, you're not gonna die!
Get outta there!
Please open the lid, sweetheart.
Can you hear me?
- Okay, it's stuck.
- Toddy, get me a rock.
Do you understand me?!
You're not gonna die!
Honey, those pills?
That was Duke's stupid idea!
When you boys came home
with those pills,
I sure as hell wasn't gonna let my kids
be guinea pigs!
So I filled them with Tic Tacs!
- Tic Tacs?!
- Tic Tacs!
I mean, what mother lets her kids
test drugs for money?!
- I'm gonna live.
- Ah!
- Oh, my God.
I'm gonna live!!!
No! No! No!
- Jacob!!!
- I'm gonna die!
- Ah! Jake!
- Jesus. No, Nuts, will you...
Stop. Come on.
You're gonna get killed.
- Sooner or later.
- Not... today. Okay?
We'll... I dunno, we'll figure something out.
- Nah. Nah.
For the first time in my life,
I'm doing something that ain't all about me.
If that means taking a hook to my head
and making my short life even shorter...
...so fucking be it.
- Ref! Ref! Keep your eyes open, eh?
- Fuck him right up, Nuts!
- I just wish I had some sort of sign.
Y'know, maybe I have a serious problem.
Or maybe I am reckless.
Miranda, she's a...
She's a meat grinder.
Oh, really?
- There's gonna be a limb
getting hacked each and every week
with that one.
Maybe... maybe nothing matters anymore,
y'know?
I should just nut up and do this thing.
What do you think, bud?
You're probably right.
- Thanks.
Y'know, I was just chatting
with that guy over there
and, bam, it occurs to me
that those Maid of the Mist boats down there
would be pretty ideal
to mule drugs across the border.
So I was thinking...
Wait.
How well can you swim?
- Uh...
I, uh....
I woke up this morning, uh, with a plan,
y'know.
I was, uh, I was gonna to ask you
a really big question.
Well, then I'm not so sure... now.
Uh...
I-I-I'm just....
I'm looking for a sign, is all.
- Well, don't wait forever.
Life's short.
- Ha!
Yeah, that's very true.
- Help!!!
- That's very true. Okay.
Uh... fuck it.
Here goes.
Miranda...
- C'mon...
- C'mon! C'mon!
- Will you...
- Oh, my God.
Today is the 14th day
since the end of my life.
Now, I don't believe in miracles.
I believe in odds.
And if you forced my bet...
...I'd wager I'm straight-up dead.
And that this is one of those "life flashes
before your eyes" moments.
Like a dream you swear lasted months,
even though you knew
you just slept for an hour.
Or maybe a clever trick
your brain plays on your body
to ease that painful,
permanent fade to black...
... wrapping your head in warm thoughts
so you don't feel
the cold, hard hand of death.
But I saw things.
I saw my resurrection.
And this is what I saw.
I saw a slip of the noose
and it's off like a torpedo.
And when that giant man-pedo
decides to surface...
... well, I saw a sight to behold.
I saw my boy one last time.
- I'm looking for a sign.
- My reckless son.
And I knew...
- Miranda...
-...for once in my life...
- Will you...?
...I was there for him.
That was a sign!
I gotta go.
Then I saw my eldest.
And I was flooded by thoughts
of all the wrong I did to him.
Now, a dead body
floating in the water
miles away
can't possibly save my wayward son.
But if a concerned tourist
happened to call 911...
...and if the ambulance sent
to fish a bloated corpse out of the water
happened to skid off the road
and into a hydro pole...
...well, then my wayward son
suddenly stands a fighting chance.
I saw my boy...
and a weight came
off my heavy heart.
Like I could float.
Like the impossible
was made possible.
And just when I thought
I could feel no more joy,
I saw something else.
My other boy.
The one I never understood.
The odds in surviving the falls
are a million to one.
And I saw those odds beat.
I saw a twist of fate
that can only be called a miracle.
I saw that noose...
catch that barrel...
...and I knew that the odds
just didn't matter anymore.
It's something more
than impossible.
More than the odds can allow.
And then I saw the future.
And it was cloudier still.
But I know what I saw.
And I was basking in a light
I didn't deserve.
For I saw a miracle.
It was so close,
it was like I was there.
Like I was part of it.
Like I could almost touch it.
I saw the lives of my boys.
My family.
Fate erasing the stain
of all my misdeeds.
And I knew everything
was going to be okay.
For I had a reversal of fortune.
A resurrection.
A bona-fide miracle.
And I was so happy,
I knew I must be dead.
# Oh yeah there
# Oh there
# There goes your corpse again
# Oh yeah
# Talking with your new girlfriend
Oh yeah
# What you think that he said
# You're better off dead
# Oh yeah there
# Oh yeah
# There goes your skull and bones
# Oh yeah
# Talking through a broke telephone
Oh yeah
# Will he play as they fall
# Through the bathroom wall
# And I've never let you down
# Oh yeah