A Birder's Guide to Everything (2013) Movie Script
[ Rustling ]
[ Woman ]
Get your binoculars out.
Okay, keep looking.
Keep looking.
See if you see it.
[ Woman ] Up in there.
Do you see it?
Look again.
It's right up on that branch.
Right there.
Let me see if I can
get it on the camera.
[ Man ]
If our eyes could
We never needed words
I built a fire and
Then played some songs
Until I knew that
Red-eyed vireo.
Red-eyed vireo. Right there.
[ Man vocalizing ]
There we go.
[ Man ]
Yeah, keep it simple, stupid.
So we'll just go with super crispy, cajun
homestyle. Let's keep everybody happy.
I know. Totally.
[ Laughs ] Totally.
Well, that's what she said.
She's like--
"What do you think people are going
to expect at your wedding? Lobster?"
Well, let's just talk sides
for a second.
I do not just pay you compliments
when I want something.
But you know what?
I do want something.
She wants plates made
out of recycled mater--
[ Loud thumping,
banging ]
Steve,
I'll call you right back.
What are you doing
on the roof?
I'm-- I'm fine.
You're bleeding.
Shit.
That's a nice perk,
having a nurse in the house.
It's a clean scratch.
It will heal in no time.
Okay, so we'll get the gutter fixed
by Sunday, which is not a big deal.
I know a guy.
But can we all agree on the "no
bird-watching on the roof" rule? Hmm?
Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable
to not want to see you get killed.
Hey, Steve,
thanks for calling back.
- How's the toast coming along?
- Oh, he's fine. He's fine.
Don't I just say,
"Here's to Dad and Juliana"?
Yeah.
But typically the best man
will say a little more about the couple.
Tell a story,
crack a few jokes...
And embarrass
your old man a little.
Yeah, I-I was thinking Miguel
would do the whole speech thing.
Okay, so,
defend these with your life,
and I mean that.
You know what? Actually this is
a disaster waiting to happen.
I can give it to you
on the-- on the big day.
The toast? Don't worry.
It doesn't have to be anything big.
Oh, god. Juliana.
I gotta go.
I have to go.
See you, Dad.
- What?
- I flashed him.
[ Laughs ]
I mean, you've talked to him
about all this, right?
Yeah.
[ ROCK: Guitar ]
What gives this mess
Some grace
Unless it's kicks, man?
Unless it's fiction?
Unless it's sweat
or it's songs?
What hits
against this chest
Unless it's
a sick man's hand
From some mid-level band?
He's been driving too long
On a dark, windless night
With the stereo on
With the towns flying by
And the ground
getting soft
[ Continues ]
[ Ends ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Quacking continues ]
[ School bell ringing ]
- So I got some news.
- What?
Caroline
quit YBS.
- Why?
- I don't know.
Some bullshit about the whole
"tufted titmouse" thing.
It's total insanity.
Oh, shit.
Here comes Evelyn.
On my count, just pretend like I said
something really funny.
What? -No, don't look.
Three, two, one.
[ Laughing ]
Why aren't you laughing?
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Love you.
- Yeah.
Today was really
a banner day for us. -Why's that?
Well, I thought personally our approach
to hydrochloric acid was... Exemplary.
- So did you get a chance to--
- Yes, I did. I did.
Yeah, I think I did
quite a good job.
Oh, boy.
[ Laughs ]
- Thanks so much.
- No problem. Bye.
Bye.
Was that
her homework?
Yeah.
She totally wants me.
It's time to take this whole "being
lab partners" thing to the next level.
As in the--
[ Moaning ]
Sex level. You know
what I'm saying? [ Clicks teeth ]
- Okay.
- You know what I'm saying?
"Give it to me, Timmy! Timmy, I want
you so bad. I want you in my pants!"
[ Chattering ]
Shh.
Young Birder's Society. All present.
Mr. Secretary, please read the minutes.
Hey, um, where's--
where's Caroline?
- She's no longer a member.
- Why?
Mostly because her heart wasn't
in birding. Is that a problem, Rob?
Yeah, well, I-- I just
wanted to be in a club--
- Get out.
- What?
This isn't a dating service.
Get the hell out of here.
I won't miss this.
So now that
we're down to three,
I don't think we're technically
a club anymore by school rules.
Young Birder's Society, all present.
Mr. Secretary, please read the minutes.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
I hereby submit the minutes from
the meeting dated 4th of March.
In new business,
Peter Nessbaum was awarded
a Golden Feather by unanimous vote...
for his sighting
of a long-tailed jaeger.
My proposition to investigate
the purchase of a hang glider
was defeated 4-1,
despite it being
an awesome idea.
Finally, Caroline Halperin
threatened to quit YBS...
if I didn't stop calling her
tufted titmouse,
and, um...
Well, she ended up quitting.
- Mr. Chairman.
- Thank you, Mr. Barsky.
- Mr. Chairman.
- Mr. Portnoy?
I move to postpone officer reports,
committee reports and special orders...
and proceed directly
to new business.
- All for?
- [ Timmy, David ] Yea.
All opposed?
Nay.
The motion passes two votes to one.
Is there any new business?
- Mr. Chairman.
- The chair recognizes David Portnoy.
I spotted this on the street
this morning.
- Got a weird feeling about it.
- Let me see.
It looks like an eclipsed-plumage
white-winged scoter.
Move to mark image as inconclusive
and carry on with the meeting.
Move to
find the bird again.
The chair
recognizes himself.
Mr. Portnoy, this is
not the first time...
you've brought something
like this to the committee.
For reference, I cite the alleged
sun grebe last summer.
I didn't have a picture-- -With all due
respect, there's a credibility gap here.
Mr. Barsky?
While I appreciate the spirit
of David's proposal--
a rare bird sighting certainly could
reverse sinking membership.
But in my opinion
I think we should stick to
more aggressive recruitment strategies,
like getting a hang glider.
- Thank you.
- That's all, Mr. Chairman.
- All for finding David's duck?
- Yea.
All opposed?
[ Both ] Nay.
The motion is defeated
by a vote of two to one.
[ Snaps ]
Damn it.
[ Dog barking ]
[ Dad ]
Dave?
Dave, is that you?
Come up here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I've got everything kinda
sorted out into three main groups.
Uh, save, throw,
charity.
You got something on your lip.
What's that? -Nothing.
Pen exploded.
Wait.
Are you kidding?
I thought I'd save
the good ones.
Mom worked really hard
for all of these.
Okay, well, yeah, you're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Of course we'll keep that.
What's this?
[ Sighs ]
The blender?
You know what?
Juliana's got a really nice blender.
I was thinking
we could give that one to Ted.
I'd rather
we gave Juliana's to Ted.
Sure.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
I have to meet the string quartet
in, like, literally--
Stay.
..10 minutes.
So why don't you do this.
Take these, mark what you want to keep.
The rest we'll either chuck or give to
the goodwill. All right? Problem solved?
Fine.
- Yeah?
- See you.
Yeah.
[ Guitar ]
[ Man ] They say I should
pack it all in
But you're
all I've ever known
For me
it's beginning again
'Cause I just can't
let go
[ Vocalizing ]
[ Mom ] You're the camera guy
now, huh? [ David ] Yeah.
You should be looking
for birds, not mom.
Birds.
Birds, not me.
[ David ] Yeah.
[ Mom ] Yeah.
Amici, romani, cives--
- Where the hell is david?
- He's right there.
[ Timmy ] Not cool, man.
- Sorry.
Where the hell have you been?
We're in crisis mode here. -Sorry.
I think I may have
found a-- Oh, wow.
Look at Chad.
Fortuna bona sit.
Globos meos lambe.
So I checked every scaup,
scoter, eider,
including the palearctic
and neotropical options,
and none of them
are a match.
This again?
Did you even sleep?
So then I thought
maybe it's rarer than those.
Well, the critically endangered ducks
consist of the west indian whistling,
the laysan
and the white-headed duck.
But it's not any of those.
So what's rarer
than critically endangered?
[ Teacher ]
Prompti conicite!
Nothing. After critically endangered
it goes extinct.
Exactly.
Oh, my--
oh, damn it.
Camptorhynchus labradorius.
This would be so huge.
If Evelyn Reed knew
that I rediscovered an extinct duck,
she'd definitely
let me do her.
Possibly doggie-style.
It's called retrocopulation.
And the term "doggie-style" is offensive
to women and possibly dogs as well.
Guys, you're both missing the point.
What do you think?
It has to be female,
not a male.
The wing marks concern me, but to be
fair, wing marks always concern me.
"B" teams,
incendere ubi paratus!
Cool!
[ Applause ]
How does that work?
Okay, we need to
find this duck again.
What we need
is an expert opinion.
Well, uh... I can get us a meeting
with Lawrence Konrad.
Just because he said you had
"nice style" at a book signing?
Um, he said I had
"interesting style."
And yes, that's exactly why.
Dick.
[ Chattering ]
Hello?
He's too busy.
I told you this. -Hello?
What? Oh, sorry
to keep you waiting.
My secretary is at lunch,
and this thing should've-- [ Chirping ]
There you go.
Anyone? -Uh, yellow warbler.
Bravo.
Do come in.
Nope.
[ Chuckles ]
No, no, no, no.
That's all wrong.
Yeah, well,
it does decline at the nape.
- Which one of you saw it?
- Uh, I did.
I'm sorry the picture
is so blurry.
I was on my bike
when I spotted it.
On your bike?
[ Laughing ]
That's marvelous.
That's the great thing
about this field.
Doesn't matter if you're a
high school kid on your bike or...
An old egghead like me
with a boatload of silly degrees.
Absolutely anyone
can be a birder.
Except for blind people,
I suppose.
So you think it could actually be
a rare-- -Close the door, please.
Any of you familiar with
the term "lazarus species"?
You. Glasses.
An organism rediscovered alive
after having been considered extinct.
And while lazarus species
are very rare,
here in America I had the pleasure
of being amongst those...
who re-found
the ivory-billed woodpecker in 2005.
Though certain scientists
do dispute my claim.
Fools.
February 20, 2005.
I remember because
it was three weeks...
after my life magellanic
woodpecker in Chile.
Quite a month
for campephilus.
You remember all the dates
on your life list?
Now, on, uh, May 13th
of this year,
you might--
[ Chuckles ]
I do stress might--
have spotted--
- Yes!
- Camptorhynchus Labradorius.
Mm-hmm. -The first bird
to go extinct in north America.
No one has seen
one of these fellas since 1878.
So do you really think
that David saw a labrador duck?
Of course the photo is
too blurry to prove anything,
and it's certainly
out of consideration for publication.
Trust me, what birder's way
does not need is more controversy.
[ Sniffing ] No, I think the only thing
to do here...
Is to find the bird again.
Well, it's probably migrating.
It could be anywhere.
Which means you need
to get a move on.
The labrador is closely related
to sea ducks such as eiders.
It's probably heading north,
maybe even migrating with scoters.
Now, the good news
for you is...
That it'll be attracted to
the largest inland bodies of water...
before
it hits the coast.
My guess is it'll be in southern
Connecticut by sun fall tomorrow.
So you think it's actually possible
to find it again?
I do. But I must warn you,
I love the chase.
I don't know whether
you've read my memoir--
Look To The Skies.
I've read it five times. -[ Chuckles ]
Then I don't need
to tell you...
that I spent 15 months
in Ecuador...
tracking the pale-headed
brush-finch,
only to learn that it was a mere
white-headed brush-finch.
If I had faced facts
a few days earlier,
you'd be looking
at a man with--
[ Tapping ]
two legs.
I won't deny it. I'm starting to get
very jealous of you lads.
We have, um, modern european
history class in 25 minutes.
Fair enough.
Well, do keep me informed.
Never hesitate to call.
Oh, and one piece of advice
from an old twitcher--
get yourselves a better camera,
one with a strong telephoto lens.
Having the wrong gear is precisely
why this photo is ultimately useless.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Dr. Konrad.
Mr. Konrad?
Could you,
um, s-sign my book?
- First edition.
- Yeah.
"Portnoy."
Was your mother
Dorothy Portnoy?
Y-you know my mother?
Of course.
Back in
the '80s and '90s,
she helped pioneer
the use of marine radar...
to predict
migrant fall-outs.
She was a real unsung hero
of birding.
That must have been
awful.
I'm deeply sorry
for your loss.
[ Pen scratching
on paper ]
- Why?
- It's way too intense.
I'm sorry, but this would take
an official YBS vote, guys.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Move to discuss.
Um, second.
All right, the chair recognizes
Timothy Barsky.
Thank you.
Mr. Chairman, Mr. Portnoy.
Simply put,
we must find this bird.
I think it could represent
a new hope for YBS,
which frankly is
on the brink of collapse.
I think with
the right publicity,
the sighting of a labrador duck
could boost membership...
and the three of us
could reap untold rewards,
fame-wise, money-wise
and vagina-wise.
Thank you.
That's all, Mr. Chairman.
I concur.
Move to vote.
Second.
All in favor of searching
for the extinct labrador duck?
[ Both ]
Yea.
All opposed?
Nay.
Motion passes
two to one.
- I'll draw up the budget.
- You don't have to.
I want to.
- Yeah?
- Hey, uh--
I left something
in the lab yesterday.
Oh. Okay.
I'm Ellen,
by the way.
What?
We're in a class together,
so I'm telling you who I am.
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Hi. There you go.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.
[ Classical ]
[ Peter ] All right, so given the
expected speed of the labrador duck...
[ Continues ] the bird will be
forced to rest in this 15-mile radius...
encompassing Cedar Lake
at Cockaponset.
Okay, well, I'm putting my money
on Cockaponset.
And not just because it has
the word "cock" in it.
Well, I still maintain
it's a long shot at best,
but as places go,
it is more likely than most.
On the transportation front, my cousin
Eric said he'd loan me some wheels.
He did? -Yeah.
He's a cool guy. He likes me a lot.
[ Doorbell rings ] Hey, isn't your dad
getting married this weekend?
Yep.
This is way more important.
[ Juliana ] David?
- Yeah?
David--
oh, hi, boys!
- Hello, Mrs. Santos.
- Juliana-- oww.
David,
there's somebody here to see you.
A girl from your school,
I think.
- Go on in, hon.
[ Ellen ] Thank you.
[ CLASSICAL: Off ]
You stole the lens?
- Preposterous.
- What's "Project Anus"?
Anas. Okay?
And it's none of your business.
Just give me the lens.
And what evidence do you have of
this alleged theft of this alleged lens?
Well, it was there earlier
this afternoon.
I gave him the keys, he went
into the lab, and then it was gone.
Circumstantial. -It's sitting
right next to you.
- Oh, damn it, Peter!
- Oh, my god.
Have you ever heard of
a labrador duck?
I still don't get why
it's called Project Anus.
- Anas!
[ David ] It's Latin for "duck."
- You guys speak Latin?
- Yeah. Sometimes.
You could come
with us.
This would seriously be
the first photo of this extinct duck?
Yeah.
Definitely.
If I come,
I'm taking the picture.
No, you're not. Okay?
That's not a possibility.
- Take it or leave it.
- We'll take it.
When do we leave? -7:00 AM.
From Timmy's cousin's house.
25 Southridge Drive.
Cool.
Where the hell
did that come from?
She made me nervous.
Okay?
On the flip side, one or possibly more
of us will get some action this weekend.
- Most likely be me.
[ David ] Nope. Not going to happen.
Hey.
Need some help?
I got it.
- Just help him, Donnie.
- Yeah.
- Where you going?
- Timmy's.
- Huh.
- Sleeping over tonight.
You know, uh,
I'm getting married... Tomorrow.
I'll be back
in plenty of time.
Yeah, uh--
Come on, Dad.
It's important. I gotta go.
All right--
okay.
Okay. Okay.
I know I'm supposed to give you
your grieving space.
Don't quote
Dr. Schultz.
It's just, you know,
the rehearsal is at 10:00 AM.
- Rehearsal?
- Yeah.
The rehearsal is walking from one side
of the lawn to the other. Right?
[ Sighs ]
Okay, Dave, com--
Time out.
You know? I-I--
All right, I know. I get that it's
all gotta seem pretty weird to you.
And maybe Juliana's not your
favorite person in the world.
Dad, I really don't
want to talk about this.
Fast-forward. 10 years from now.
Who's gonna care?
She's gonna be your really cool
kick-ass mom.
You gotta look at things
like everything happens for a reason.
- What?
- You know, what might--
"For a reason"?
You know, I shouldn't have
said that.
That's not
what I meant to say.
- What I meant--
- No.
- Bullshit.
- Come on, David.
[ Mom ] I'm gonna catch you.
[ Laughing ]
Here I come.
[ Chattering, laughing ]
You are too fast!
I gotcha!
[ Knocking on glass ]
Sorry I'm late.
Have we confirmed
he knows we're coming? -Yes.
Eric!
[ Rock, muffled ]
[ Continues ]
Timmy. My man.
Eric. My man.
[ Chuckles ] You think I could
grab those keys now?
Oh. Yeah.
The keys. Totally.
Could you go
get them now? -Sure.
You're Eric's cousin?
Yeah.
F-first cousin.
Hmm.
These are--
[ Scoffs ]
These are keys
to a kryptonite bike lock.
Wait. You wanted
to borrow my car?
- Yeah.
- Timmy!
- I'm not going to lend you my car.
- Why not?
For, like,
several reasons.
There are insurance issues that would
not be easy to resolve, to say the least.
I have no reason to believe that
you or any of your friends
are safe and/or reliable drivers,
not to mention Trish and I have plans
to use the car...
to go up to Sheep's Meadow
to hang out and smoke weed.
He does make some
convincing arguments.
- Thank you.
[ Timmy ] Fine!
Well, thanks anyway, Eric.
You're a real cool guy.
P.S. Grandma thinks
you're a communist.
I am a communist.
Bye, Timmy's
little friends.
Bye. Bye.
Bye.
I hate him.
If he hadn't DJ'd
my bar mitzvah,
my life would be a lot better
right now, believe you me.
So, is Trish
Eric's steady girlfriend?
What?
Oh! I found it!
[ Groans ]
Ever drive a cabriolet,
Peter?
Absolutely not.
What? You're the only one
with a license.
I'm not driving
a stolen car, guys.
[ David ] It's not a stolen car.
We'll bring it back tomorrow.
He'll just think
he forgot where he parked it, right?
Come on, man. This is your chance
to not be a total pussy.
You can impress
an actual girl.
It's exciting.
Ellen?
I think Peter should do
what he wants.
But, yeah,
I-I would be impressed.
Very impressed.
Thanks.
[ Tires screech ]
[ Horn honks ]
[ POP: Man singing ]
[ Horn honks ]
[ Ellen snickers ]
[ Timmy ] Peter, just merge!
You have no idea what kind
of pressure this is. No idea.
Okay, well,
you don't have to spaz.
Are you gonna
keep it under 35? -Yes.
I am.
That's probably
more dangerous.
Timmy?
Holy shit.
What is this?
Is that crack cocaine?
- I have no idea. Maybe.
- "Maybe"?
Just keep driving, Peter.
I-it looks like--
Looks like crystals. -You know what?
Maybe it's rock candy.
Ellen, grow up. Okay?
They're crystals.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
Crystal meth.
- Throw it out the window.
- What?
No, we can't just throw it
out the window. -Yes, we can.
Peter, think!
What happens if we
return the car without the drugs?
Maybe Eric was trying to sell them
on behalf of some drug lords.
And then when the drug lords
come looking for the money,
suddenly Eric doesn't have the
money or the drugs, so they kill him.
Eric sucks,
but he doesn't deserve to die.
Okay, just keep it hidden.
Give it, Ellen.
[ Glove box opens, closes ]
Done.
- I don't like it.
- I'm shocked. I'm really shocked.
Peter, for the love of god, you have to
speed up. It's like we're in a wagon.
[ Man ] But I always choose
another way
This is why this love
can't stay
[ Timmy ]
Now we're cruising.
- This is totally illegal.
- Peter, it's fine.
You only have your learner's permit.
[ Engine knocking, squeaking ]
What's that noise?
Sounds like
a black-and-white warbler.
[ Timmy ] Sounds like a red-breasted
nuthatch,
but it's coming from the engine.
What's a finch look like?
A finch, it's kind of like a perching
bird with a small, sharp, pointy bill.
Well, my boyfriend's band
is called The Real Finches.
[ Timmy laughs ]
The Real Finches?
Sounds like
a pretty hard-core band.
Right, 'cause you're into more
hard-core stuff, like Beethoven?
Um, Bartk, okay?
Maybe, like,
late Beethoven, yeah.
Right.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, these
are totally retro.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
They were my mom's.
- Is she a big birder?
- You know his mom's dead, right?
- What?
- Oh.
Guess that's before you moved here.
David doesn't like to talk about it.
Thanks, Timmy.
Okay, guys, I have
an announcement to make.
I want everyone to remain still
while I talk, especially you Peter.
There is a vehicle that has been
trailing us for the past 10 miles,
and there are definitely
guns in the vehicle.
- Oh, my god!
- Peter, stay still.
[ Peter ]
Sorry.
They could be
Eric's drug lord bosses.
David, can you just slow down
and see if they pass us? -Yeah.
It doesn't have guns
on it.
- Oh, shit.
- There they are.
Oh, that was
a close one.
How was that
a close one?
It was a close one.
What's with
all the people?
Is this, like, an important day for
birding or something? -It's Saturday.
- Hey, Portnoy's back!
- Hey, Matheny.
Are you like the boy wonder
of the birding world or something?
No, I just haven't
been here in a while.
[ Ellen ] So what's going on here,
exactly?
Okay, um,
first you have
the feeder fillers.
And they just want a bird feeder
so they can attract a bird...
like a cardinal.
And then there's listers,
like those guys over there.
Now, listers, they like
the numbers and the data.
So they record everything
on these very meticulous life lists.
So if my dad was a birder,
he'd be a lister.
- He's not a birder?
- No.
He owns five chicken huts. He
literally makes a living killing birds.
So which kind of birder
are you?
Well, there's one more.
The watchers.
Now, the watchers--
this is Lawrence Konrad's definition--
they want to achieve a transcendent
connection between nature...
that erases any distinction between,
I guess, human and bird souls.
Let me guess.
- You're a watcher.
- Mmm--
Well, there's actually
very few watchers out there.
In the world of birding, most of us are
just listers who strive to be watchers.
[ Duck call quacking ]
Old-school duck call. Help us
in finding the, uh, you-know-what.
[ Man ]
I don't know. What?
- Nothing.
- You guys heading out?
Yeah, we're going
to Cockaponset. - The Cock.
You guys
from around here?
No. Somers.
All right, all right.
What do you see up there?
Hooded warblers,
arcadian flycatcher,
yellow-billed cuckoo,
yellow-winged vireo.
Wait, you saw
a yellow-winged vireo in New York?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Don't be an asshole,
Jeff.
[ David ]
What?
Oh, I'm sorry. I mean
a yellow-throated vireo.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
There it is.
So what kind of stuff
do you guys see?
We just had a great trip
to Tanzania.
Saw an usambara eagle-owl,
among other things.
- Not bad for our first year.
- First year?
Last year we climbed
the Seven Summits.
This year we're going
for the world big year record.
Oh, so you're not birders.
You're more like mountain dew ads.
More like extreme hobbyists.
That means in 10 months, we've
seen over 350 endangered species,
including finding only the
sixth-known nest of a grauer's broadbill.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah. -Yeah.
David saw
a labrador duck.
You know that's extinct,
right?
Yes.
Well, but--
No, she isn't--
she's not a birder.
She has no idea
what she's talking about. -Yes, I do.
No, she doesn't.
Okay, 'cause that is
a pretty big claim. You know?
Spotting
an extinct species.
You guys have a photo
or anything? -No. No.
She's confused. We can't have a
picture of something that doesn't exist.
- Right.
- Right.
All right?
We should be going.
- Yeah.
- Right, right, right.
- Well, good birding.
- Good birding, fellas.
- Good birding.
- [ Quack ]
[ Murmuring ]
Labrador duck?
I'm sorry, Ellen,
you're a complete idiot.
Whatever. They didn't
believe me anyway.
Let's hope to god
you're right.
[ Rock ]
[ Man ] She lived in space, man
[ Continues ]
Hey, check it out.
[ Geese honking ]
Yeah.
[ Peter ] David?
- What are you doing?
I'm just gonna
catch up with them.
Almost there.
There we go.
[ Honking continues ]
Could the labrador duck
be up there?
No.
They're Canada geese.
[ Continues ]
Still want to see her
in the morning
[ Squeaking, hissing ]
[ Engine knocking ]
Shit.
Oh, no, no, no.
It must be related to the warbler noise.
Shit! - [ Peter ] Nuthatch noise.
[ Timmy ]
Okay, shut up, Peter.
[ Engine dies ]
[ Stops ]
[ Steam hissing ]
[ David ] I think it's just an overheated
alternator thing or something.
[ Timmy ] You have no idea what
you're talking about.
[ Ellen ]
We should go home.
[ Timmy ]
I knew it.
I'm sorry.
You knew what?
Come on.
We all knew from the start
it was a mistake to bring you. Okay?
You're late, you have to pee all the time,
and now you want to quit.
I brought a telephoto lens and five
years of photography experience.
- What did you bring?
- Oh, um, let me think.
Excellent leadership skills,
logic,
an orange belt
in shaolin long fist,
fluency
in Latin and Espaol...
Awesome logic skills.
Guys, I'm going to go call the
triple-a. -Where are we, exactly?
Um, we're somewhere
near Woodstock, so--
- Wait. Woodstock?
- Yeah.
- Hold on one second.
- Who are you gonna call?
Booty call. The Reeds
have a house out here.
- Wait. Evelyn Reed?
- Yeah.
Hey, Evelyn.
It's Timmy.
Timmy.
- Timmy Barsky.
- [ Scoffs ]
- Timmy Barsky.
- We should get a backup.
No, no, they're friends.
Kind of.
I mean, I guess she does call him
her personal math hobbit.
Yeah, so we're in
a bit of a pickle-dick.
N-no, it's a stupid line
from--
I guess you probably
want to call your mom.
Well, that would involve telling her
where I am, so... No, thank you.
She's in New Mexico at a swing
and salsa conference this weekend,
so it was either this
or sitting around on my own.
So...
Swing and salsa?
Well, they're actually
really different.
Okay.
Oh, that's--
[ Laughs ] That's a lot!
Hey, I'm sorry
about your mom.
I didn't mean
to bring it up.
It's okay.
Timmy's an idiot sometimes.
Really,
it's not a big deal.
I mean, of course it's a big deal,
but it's not a big deal.
How long ago
did she pass away?
Almost a year
and a half ago.
Just, you know,
you have my-- you have--
[ Timmy ]
Hey, guys.
We're good.
So what is this top-secret mission
you guys are on?
I mean,
I could tell you, but--
You'd have to
kill me?
No, of course not.
I'm a pacifist. Peter would kill you.
- I'm a pacifist.
- He's really not.
- He has to say that. It's his cover.
- Oh, my god. You're so funny.
[ Laughs ]
I know.
I think we may have actually
found an extinct duck. -Wow!
- Oh, this is public information now?
- Uh, yeah.
Get in the car.
- Thanks again, Ev.
- Hey, I should be thanking you.
I don't know what I'd do
without you. -Oh--
Uh, hey, you know.
I'm Timmy.
I'm-- I'm your--
[ Engine starts ]
I'm your guy.
[ RADIO: Rap ]
You are!
Bye, guys.
Oh, and girl.
Why was she thanking you?
Oh, my god,
she's so hot.
How much this time,
Timmy?
I don't know.
Maybe the rest of the year.
You're doing her math homework
for the rest of the year?
You wouldn't understand
our relationship. Okay?
- Oh, my god.
- What?
[ Timmy ] No guns.
[ Peter ] What?
They've taken
the guns.
You brought it with you? -We need
to call the cops. Like, right now, guys.
And tell them what, Peter? That
we stole a car loaded with narcotics?
- You are a genius!
- Keep it hidden.
- All in favor?
- Aye. -Aye.
You know what?
They'll kill us in the woods. Okay?
[ Knocking ]
- Eric.
- We have a situation.
[ Bird chirping ]
[ Ellen ]
What's that one?
Uh...
Black-capped chickadee.
How can you tell
which one it is so quickly?
Well, the best way is
to recognize its giss.
What?
[ Chuckles ]
G-i-s-s.
General impression,
shape and size.
That's how you make
a snap ID of a bird.
Yeah, I mean, I guess
it had a nice "jizz."
You know--
I know "giss" sounds like ejaculation.
I mean, come on.
Chickadee jizz?
Yeah.
It's in the tit family too. -Oh.
Um, I guess another way is
you can ID it by its calls.
So--
[ Bird chirping ]
Uh... Downy woodpecker.
[ Bird chirping ]
White-breasted nuthatch.
[ Bird chirping ]
Carolina wren.
[ Bird chirping ]
The nuthatch again.
[ Bird chirping, loud ]
- What was that one?
- It was a wood thrush.
[ Sighs ]
Hold on.
- Yeah?
- Where are you?
- Timmy's.
- You drove to Timmy's in Eric's car.
Peter drove.
Mm-hmm.
David, what the hell
is going on?
We may have discovered
an extinct duck.
We're at a park in Connecticut
just trying to look for it,
and we'll be back by tomorrow.
- An extinct duck?
- Yes.
We're just-- -All right, first,
you're seriously grounded.
Second-- and let me
make this abundantly clear--
if we end up waiting around for
you tomorrow just to waltz in--
You've already made it abundantly
clear how you can't handle waiting.
You know what?
Don't come.
[ Quietly ]
Shit.
Dad.
- Dad, I'm sorry.
- No, no. You're a young man now.
You can make
your own decisions.
I'll have Ted be the best man.
Sure.
Fine.
[ Clicks ]
- That was your dad?
- Yes.
- Hey, everything okay?
- Yes.
- Are you sure?
- My dad's getting married tomorrow.
To my mom's nurse.
Do you wanna
talk about it? -No.
Wait, David.
How are we gonna get back in time?
We're not.
[ Timmy ] I'm just saying, I think
the dunnock is the sluttiest bird.
[ Ellen ] Why?
- He or she has a partner...
And then immediately
goes to another partner.
- Kinda like you, Ellen.
- Thank you, Timmy. Thank you.
It's right there
behind the bush. See? Okay.
[ Chirping ]
One o'clock.
One o'clock.
You gotta look
right at it and just put the--
Oh-- oh.
[ Chirping ]
Hey, put down
eastern for me. You got it.
It's like I'm talking to it
and it replies. See?
- Pss, pss.
- Peter, shut up.
[ Chirping ]
[ Man vocalizing ]
[ Timmy ] Okay,
a lot of spider webs, guys.
[ Ellen ] Oh, big spider, big spider.
Big spider.
[ Peter ] Guys, I hear their spiders
are murder.
[ Vocalizing continues ]
[ David ]
There it is.
[ Peter ] All right, so there's a bridge
about two miles north-northeast of here.
[ David ] It's getting dark. I think
we should just cross here.
Exactly. I don't know about you guys.
I'm crossing this river.
[ Peter ] It's way too dangerous.
[ Timmy ] Oh, come on, Peter!
You know women cite physical bravery
as the number one quality in a man?
It's a sense of humor.
Ellen, brave or funny guys?
- Funny.
- What?
Okay, well, whatever.
With hot women, anyway,
as in Evelyn Reed,
it's physical bravery.
So ha. -Can we stop it
with Evelyn Reed already?
[ Timmy ] Um, jealous much?
[ Ellen ] Timmy, you keep kissing her ass,
hoping something
will happen--
- Which it will.
- When she's so clearly dork-baiting you.
Okay, Evelyn Reed
likes me, all right?
What's dork-baiting?
It's when a cute girl
is super nice to a nerdy guy--
- I'm not nerdy.
- ..so that he'll worship her...
and fix her computer and
make her feel good about herself...
and, oh, also
do her homework.
I'm doing her homework
because we're friends, all right?
That's what friends
do for each other.
You wouldn't know 'cause
you don't have any friends.
Timmy, it took her
45 minutes to drive us here.
So now you're gonna go and do
her homework for the rest of the year.
Just go. -Doesn't that sound
messed up to you?
Let's just go. -She calls you
her "personal math hobbit."
That's bullshit.
I'm not gonna believe that. -Yeah?
David told me.
What?
Is that true?
- I'm sorry.
- Shut up!
- Is that true?
- I didn't mean to say it--
Just please stop talking!
Why are you such a bitch to me?
- Let's go, Timmy.
- No, I know. You take her side!
- I'm not taking anyone's side.
- Of course you are.
You don't give a crap
about me or Peter!
Come on. Let's just cross
the river, okay, guys?
Stop being a pussy!
You have to realize that everyone
in the world is full of shit, okay?
He doesn't give a crap about you,
me or finding the labrador duck.
He just wants to pork
Ellen of Troy over there!
- I am not a pussy, okay?
- What are you talking about?
Every time I look at you, you're
trying to talk to her and feel her up.
Don't get your hopes up, Dave.
She's probably just dork-baiting you!
I don't even like Ellen!
You don't know anything about me!
Oh, yeah! I wouldn't know
anything about my best friend!
[ Gasping ] Because his mom died
he's all messed up or whatever!
Fuck you!
- [ Timmy ] Shit!
- [ Ellen ] Are you okay?
- [ Gasping ]
- [ David ] Peter. You all right?
- Peter.
- His inhaler!
- Where is it? Shit.
- Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
It's okay. Stand up,
stand up. Go on!
[ Ellen ] Peter, stand up.
Peter, stand up!
Stand up.
Come on. Get it.
You gotta get him
to the shore. -I know, I know!
Okay, okay. Come on. This side.
This side, this side, this side.
[ Peter wheezes, coughs ]
[ Peter gasping ]
[ Timmy ] Oh, my god!
It's so cold!
- Up. Come on.
- Oh, my god.
- [ Ellen ] Okay.
- [ Timmy gasps ]
- [ David ] Oh!
- [ Ellen ] Guys, it's sounding really bad!
[ Coughing ]
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm just gonna give you mouth-to-
mouth, okay? Lean back. Lean back.
Stop. Okay, ready?
One, two, three. -No.
[ Coughing ]
[ Ellen ] Guys!
- Oh! I got it!
- I found it!
- Yes! Yes!
- Throw it to me!
- [ David ] Yes. Come on!
[ Peter gasping ]
[ Ellen ] Timmy, just throw it!
[ Peter coughs ]
Oh, shit. Okay.
- Throw it!
- All-all right. Okay.
Okay. Oh, god!
- What the hell, Timmy!
- Are you trying to kill him?!
I'm sorry!
I'm a birder!
I got it.
Okay, now--
Peter!
[ Wheezing ]
[ Inhaler hisses ]
Yeah. [ Sighs ]
It's over.
[ Both panting ]
- That sucked!
- [ Panting ]
[ David ]
Are you all right?
- [ Exhales ]
- [ Grunts ]
You okay?
Thanks again
for the T-shirt.
It's a good color
for you.
It really is.
[ Owl hooting ]
- [ Ellen ] So how long--
- Shh.
[ Hooting ]
Great horned owl.
Nice.
Personal frickin' hobbit.
There are tons of girls
out there, Timmy.
Easy for you to say, Miss I-have-
crazy-wild-sex-whenever-I-want.
What?
You don't have to rub it
in our faces.
What are you
talking about?
I've never even
had sex, okay?
That's bullshit.
You're dating a guy in a band.
We've only kissed, and he
lives in Minnesota anyway.
- Is that where you're from?
- I lived there for a year.
And then before that Delaware,
Texas, Guam and Germany.
Germany. Yeah.
My dad's
in the air force.
That's so badass.
It sucks.
I'm always the new girl, and then
whenever I make a friend, we move.
Where are you going next?
Actually, it looks like
we'll be in Somers for good now.
Okay, well,
I have a confession to make.
Um...
Technically speaking,
I've never... Really done a girl.
Not even missionary style.
You're 15. It's okay.
It's not a big deal.
I've only kissed, like, one boy.
Okay, well, I have
another confession to make.
Um...
Technically speaking,
I've never...
Really kissed a girl.
Me neither.
- Spin the stick?
- Right.
I've, um-- I've never
really kissed a girl either.
No!
[ Ellen, David chuckle ]
Sorry.
[ Laughing ]
That's what I asked him.
Don't patronize me.
That's what happened.
I can tell you that story
does not get better with age,
unlike this wine.
Thank you. Not from a box.
Special occasion?
So you bribed a cop? -I invented
a great meal, thank you very much.
[ Woman ] Debatable.
[ Man ] French fries with honey...
is not that great
a meal.
It's paying for David's college,
so no complaining.
Where is David anyway?
He's, uh-- he's actually
on a bird-watching trip.
I didn't know
he was still into all that.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely into it.
[ Woman ] That's great. -Is he
still planning on skipping college...
and making wildlife films?
What? When did he
tell you that, Ted?
I don't know. The--
the last time I saw him.
At the, you know--
the funeral.
- Uh--
[ Ted chuckles ] What?
No, I guess
we haven't talked about it.
All right.
Would you like some more wine?
- Yes!
- Of course.
[ Ted laughs ] You would. -[ Woman ]
What's that supposed to mean?
[ Mara ] Really?
[ Ted ] Just saying.
[ Insects chirping ]
- Hey, Peter?
- Yeah?
Do you ever wish that earth
was more like middle-earth?
All the time.
[ Branch snapping ]
Drug lords.
I'll stand guard.
Yes!
- I can see you.
- Oh, Jesus!
- Close your eyes, all right?
- Sorry.
Done.
Sorry.
Can I see?
Sure.
There it is.
- First drawing?
- Yeah.
Really trying
to perfect that one. Yeah?
Yeah, it's-- it's weird.
It's fine.
Last year I came home early from school
one time and my dad was doing drugs.
Wait.
Like "drug" drugs?
Yeah.
Like snorting
crushed Oxycontin.
It was pretty intense.
I have this image stuck in my head
of his face when he saw me.
I've never told anyone
except for my shrink.
I-I have a shrink too.
Yeah, I would hope so.
Your dad's getting married
in, like, 20 hours.
Yeah.
And you said he's marrying
your mom's nurse?
Yeah.
Was there, like--
- Forget it. I--
- O-overlap?
Yeah. I don't know.
Maybe.
I'm sure that there wasn't.
I mean, I--
My mom was sick
for a long time.
I've definitely
thought about it.
You know...
You're actually a lot easier to talk to
than my shrink.
And definitely a lot easier
to talk to than Timmy and Peter.
[ Chuckles ]
Thanks.
I don't really
have a boyfriend.
He was just a guy
that I kissed at a party,
and I said
he was my boyfriend, but... He's not.
Okay.
Yeah, so--
I should go back to bed.
Okay, I'll--
I guess I'll guard.
- Sit guard.
- Right. Okay. Yeah.
All right,
well, good night. -Night.
Night.
Awesome.
[ Footsteps ]
Shh.
[ Vehicles approaching ]
What was that?
I don't know.
Timmy?
[ Timmy ]
Goddamn drug lords!
[ Grunting ]
Wait up.
[ David ]
Timmy! Timmy.
It's go time. -Wait, wait.
Your plan is to knife them?
Just put away
the knife, Timmy.
It's your funeral.
Whoa. Nice outfits.
How we doin'?
Any luck
finding the labrador?
Why are you
following us?
We're actually
following our guide.
Who's your guide?
Gentlemen!
[ Konrad ]
Birding on an ATV.
Seems like
an oxymoron,
but it gets the job done.
You know, ever since
you boys left my office,
I've been kicking myself.
How could I,
a noted veteran of the field,
entrust what is probably the biggest
ornithological find of the century...
to-- no offense now--
amateurs?
Lately I've been spending a bit of time
guiding these gentlemen here,
and I just thought the more chaps
helping-- -We don't need your help.
Well, I think we can
all agree that
the most important thing here is
finding the bird.
We're simply doubling
the size of our search party.
Just a few years ago,
even with hundreds of people
combing that Arkansas bayou,
we still couldn't prove our claim
on finding-- -Yeah, we know.
The ivory-billed
woodpecker. We're fans.
You're trying to poach
our sighting.
Who's the new girl?
Her name's Ellen.
Guys. I'm sorry.
Can we take a second?
Of course.
- What--
- Sorry.
- Iis non credo.
- Verum est.
Fugiamus.
Consentiens frustrabo.
Carpe diem?
[ Boys ]
Carpe diem.
So you're saying we're all gonna
get a shared sighting credit?
Oh, certainly. I'm sorry. I should have
prefaced all this by saying--
It's fine. We think we saw
something flying south a few hours ago,
heading toward Cross Lake.
- I think we should stick with Cedar's.
It's the most obvious choice.
Of course. We can split up. We'll go
to Cedar, and you can go to the river--
A sea duck
resting on a river?
Have you even been
birding before?
[ Timmy ] Watch it.
- Oh, really?
It's just what I saw.
[ Peter ]
Eos abducam.
- Peter.
- Hey.
- Peter, what are you doing?
- Non sum vagina.
- Hey!
- No, no, no, no!
[ Peter shouts ]
Hey, off, you crazy kid!
Stop! Stop!
Get off the--
Are you crazy? Are you insane?
[ Jeff ]
Go, go, go!
Come on!
Get on! Get on!
- Holy shit!
- Thrilling.
So what now?
- What do you mean?
- I don't know.
Peter just stole
your friend's ATV,
and you're trying to
steal our sighting.
- Just that.
- That's one way of looking at it.
Another way is to say
that we're four birders...
looking to find an extinct duck,
standing on the brink of history.
How do we know you're not
gonna steal the credit for the sighting?
Are we cool?
Yes.
Miguel forgot a tie.
You have one?
He's not gonna want
one of my ties.
Let me see
what David has.
[ Sighs ]
Don, I'm gonna need
the list for the--
What the hell
is all this?
I think I might be
an asshole, Ted.
[ Konrad ] It's rare I go birding
with the younger generation.
I had hoped that my daughter
would follow in my footsteps,
but she and my ex-wife
detest me.
Did you and your mother
bird together?
Yes. A lot.
She would have
adored this.
You probably don't remember,
but back in the '90s,
she discovered a new colony
of piping plovers.
Piping plovers. I have
all the newspaper clippings.
There's nothing like
the feeling of discovery.
How's your father doing? It must be
difficult for the two of you now.
He's, uh,
he's getting married.
I see.
- Yeah.
- Well, everyone copes differently.
Yeah. And some people
are just dicks.
Your father
is not a dick.
I'm sorry,
but you don't know him.
Well, I do, actually.
He helped with archiving
Dotty's research materials...
at the magazine
after she died.
What?
Wait, wait, how?
How is that possible?
Birds are my muses.
And I strive to be
a true watcher.
I can remember when I spotted my
first greater prairie chicken...
but not
my own daughter's birthday.
But you're already--
I'm 63 years old
and very much alone.
I guide assholes
for money.
I have one leg
and no driver's license.
Please do not confuse me
with a role model.
Why don't you have
a driver's license?
A bit of a mix-up...
between what I thought was an albino
nighthawk and a high-speed police chase.
[ Dotty ]
Get your binoculars out.
Okay, keep looking.
Keep looking. See if you see it.
Remarkable.
Yeah, it's empty
though.
[ Exhales ]
Here goes nothin'.
[ Quacking ]
[ Duck quacking ]
- Was that it?
- Maybe. It was a little muffled.
No, it was definitely
a greeting call.
[ David ] I think that maybe it was--
- Oh, my god!
That would be
a male mallard. -Oh.
[ Quacking ]
[ David ] Wait.
Why did it answer
to a scoter call?
Maybe it was raised
by scoters.
It was not raised
by scoters, okay?
[ David ] Cross Lake is a few miles up.
I think maybe we should just go there.
Why would it go
to the lake that's farther from shore?
It's not unheard of.
It's practically unheard of.
Guys?
Is that your duck,
David?
Oh, my god.
[ Ellen ]
What's it doing?
[ David ]
Shh. It's preening.
The light
couldn't be better.
[ Konrad ]
It's a magnificent bird.
[ Shutter clicking ]
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Timmy ] Shit!
- Hey, fellas!
- What the hell, man!
[ Vehicles approaching ]
I'm Carl Senior.
This is my son,
Carl Junior.
Oh, awesome! You just shot
an extinct duck! -Timmy, calm down.
I'm not sure you know
what that word means.
[ Jeff ]
Your friend is nuts!
[ Dog barking ]
[ Jeff ] Whoa.
[ Carl Sr. ] Easy, cruise.
[ Jeff ] Hey.
[ Peter ]
Whoa.
- How did this happen?
- These morons shot it.
- Everyone, relax.
- You shot an extinct duck, sir.
Does extinct mean something different
these days? [ Duck quacking ]
[ Wings flapping ]
[ Wings flapping ]
[ Quacking ]
It's suffering.
[ Carl Sr. ]
Give it to me. Please.
Please.
[ Neck snaps ]
[ Sighs, coughs ]
[ Konrad ] May I see the animal?
[ Konrad ] This isn't a labrador duck.
[ Timmy ] What?
Its neck does decline strangely,
but I think what we have here...
is an oddly-plumaged
hybrid mallard.
Look at the wing markings. -See,
the wing markings always concerned me.
Yep. It's definitely
an odd hybrid of sorts.
- Just shut up, Jeff.
[ Carl Sr. ] If it's okay with you guys,
we'd like to take the duck
for our banquet.
Banquet? -We're hunting
for our church banquet.
All the proceeds are going
to the Save Darfur Foundation.
Well, that's a bit
of silver lining.
David, it's--
David, it was just
a hybrid mallard.
[ Sobs ]
[ Exhales ]
It looked at me.
It didn't have to suffer.
I know.
Why did she have to die?
[ Sobbing ]
I don't know why.
[ Sobbing ]
You know in Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doom,
the bad guy that goes around
and rips the heart out of people...
and holds it up in front of their face
so they watch it beat?
- Yeah, I hate that part.
- [ Sniffles ]
[ Breathes deeply ]
I don't see how
it'll ever stop hurting.
Well, um, maybe one day...
it'll feel less awful than "ripping
an organ out of your chest" pain.
But my guess is
it'll always hurt.
Yeah.
[ Sniffles ]
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What-what time is it?
I don't know.
I think my phone died three hours ago.
Will we make it back
for the wedding?
- I mean, we don't have a car.
- I wonder if I have cell service.
- Oh, my god.
- What?
- What?
- Oh, my god, no.
This is-- this is worse
than it looks.
- We need to get you home.
- [ David ] Yeah.
So, those guys
weren't really drug lords.
No, they were pretty much
the opposite of drug lords.
[ Ellen ] You're not going
to taste that, are you?
Just kidding.
It's rock candy.
- I said it was rock candy!
- Your first correct I.D.
It's going on
my life list.
[ Man ] Now we'll hear
a musical selection...
from the son of the bride,
Miguel Santos.
Miguel?
Meet me tonight
in Dreamland
Under the silv'ry moon
Meet me tonight
in Dreamland
Where love's
sweet roses bloom
Meet me in Dreamland
Oh, sweet dreamy Dreamland
There make my dreams
Come true
Thank you, Miguel.
Mm! And now the rings.
David?
Working at
your own wedding?
Right?
It's pretty messed up.
You know, there's a million
people to talk to out there.
I know. It's what I get
for hiring Eric, I guess.
That is what you get.
Dad?
Yeah?
Were you seeing Juliana...
before or after mom--
Definitely after.
Good.
Your mother
was the love of my life.
You know that.
No, I didn't.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
David, I'm sorry. I should have
done a better job of explaining it all.
- We spoke about it.
- No, we didn't.
We didn't speak about it.
Not really.
We didn't.
You know, it's--
you remember that--
I just don't want to pretend
that we don't miss mom.
Me either.
Wanna grab that chicken?
[ Ellen ] They thought we were
terrorists. It was awful.
Hey. Excuse me.
Are you in a band
or something?
Excuse me?
[ Jazz ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Feedback ]
[ Taps on microphone ]
Hello?
[ Stops ]
[ Chattering continues ]
Hey!
[ Chattering stops ]
Hey, everyone. Um--
So technically
I'm the best man here,
and I guess
I'm supposed to give a toast.
Um--
[ Sighs ] Where do I start?
The thing is,
the last couple of days I've
been looking for an extinct duck.
[ Scattered laughter ]
No.
No, it's not like
a metaphor or something.
Turns out
it wasn't extinct.
Actually, it wasn't the duck
I thought it was,
and it got shot,
uh, but in a weird way,
it turns out...
it might actually help
the whole situation going on in Darfur.
Sorry. Anyway--
[ Exhales ]
I'm-I'm glad
I made it here... Today.
Well, the last few years
have been--
They've been kind of rough
for our family.
Um--
- David--
- I know. Sorry.
Dad likes to fill holes
with lists.
That's what he does.
He writes lists of everything,
like lists of lists,
and I like to find rare birds, so I'm
not really one to talk, but...
It doesn't--
doesn't really work.
Which is why
I'm so glad he found Juliana.
Because I know my mom
really liked her...
and my dad
obviously likes her too.
That's all that matters.
And...
That's why
we're all here, right?
So...
I wish them a happy
and long life together.
Here's to dad and Juliana.
You were perfect.
[ Resumes ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Timmy whistling ]
So, does Eric know that we, like,
destroyed his engine?
[ Timmy ]
Uh, you know,
timing's not quite right.
Yeah, he's not
gonna be happy.
I got some serious shit on him that
I've been saving for a moment like this.
Got it.
- Think I'm gonna head home now.
- Yeah, me too.
[ Timmy ]
Good times!
Totally.
[ Peter ]
Bye.
[ Peter ] So how long should I wait
till I call Kim?
- What, you got her number?
- Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Why didn't you
tell me that, dude?
I should go too.
I guess.
So, weirdly enough,
I had a lot of fun this weekend.
So did I.
Peter gave me
his old pair.
They're not as good as yours,
but I'm kinda getting the--
Hi.
So, um... I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah. Okay.
Definitely.
Bye. -See ya. -Yeah. Bye.
[ Man ] It's too late now
to rush apart
Your aching heart
wasn't on fire
And if you drain
the fluid from
My screaming lungs,
I know I'll die
And it's hard to know
what's right
I need you tonight
You need me tonight
It's too late now
to hold on to the crutch
When you open arms
and open hearts
They never open much
If I drain the beauty from
Your beating blood,
I know I'll die
No
I never try to
But it's all been done
We'll hold on tight
I will hold onto you
And the feeling
of an empty love
While I hold onto you
And my Lord
I know it's true
[ Guitar ]
[ Man ] And I've been a-walkin'
down that road
And I can feel
the wind between my toes
The water, oh, so sweet
And I been thinkin'
maybe it's right
And I can finally
feel the things I love
Shiver when you talk
Do your lips feel all of
the things that mine do?
Do you feel that tingle
inside of your shoe?
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
And nothin's
Wrong
It's just love
And I've been hurt
and my heart's empty
Soakin' in it
That is tempting
But
That all floats away
And my heart's
been breakin'
Like a biscuit
You are the one
who can finally fix it
Will we both be okay?
Do you look at our hands
and see that they're creased
From a trembling Here
that cannot be released
Ee-ee-ee-eee
Nothing's
Wrong
It's just love
Nothing's
Wrong
It's just love
It's just
Love
Published 04/14/2014
[ Woman ]
Get your binoculars out.
Okay, keep looking.
Keep looking.
See if you see it.
[ Woman ] Up in there.
Do you see it?
Look again.
It's right up on that branch.
Right there.
Let me see if I can
get it on the camera.
[ Man ]
If our eyes could
We never needed words
I built a fire and
Then played some songs
Until I knew that
Red-eyed vireo.
Red-eyed vireo. Right there.
[ Man vocalizing ]
There we go.
[ Man ]
Yeah, keep it simple, stupid.
So we'll just go with super crispy, cajun
homestyle. Let's keep everybody happy.
I know. Totally.
[ Laughs ] Totally.
Well, that's what she said.
She's like--
"What do you think people are going
to expect at your wedding? Lobster?"
Well, let's just talk sides
for a second.
I do not just pay you compliments
when I want something.
But you know what?
I do want something.
She wants plates made
out of recycled mater--
[ Loud thumping,
banging ]
Steve,
I'll call you right back.
What are you doing
on the roof?
I'm-- I'm fine.
You're bleeding.
Shit.
That's a nice perk,
having a nurse in the house.
It's a clean scratch.
It will heal in no time.
Okay, so we'll get the gutter fixed
by Sunday, which is not a big deal.
I know a guy.
But can we all agree on the "no
bird-watching on the roof" rule? Hmm?
Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable
to not want to see you get killed.
Hey, Steve,
thanks for calling back.
- How's the toast coming along?
- Oh, he's fine. He's fine.
Don't I just say,
"Here's to Dad and Juliana"?
Yeah.
But typically the best man
will say a little more about the couple.
Tell a story,
crack a few jokes...
And embarrass
your old man a little.
Yeah, I-I was thinking Miguel
would do the whole speech thing.
Okay, so,
defend these with your life,
and I mean that.
You know what? Actually this is
a disaster waiting to happen.
I can give it to you
on the-- on the big day.
The toast? Don't worry.
It doesn't have to be anything big.
Oh, god. Juliana.
I gotta go.
I have to go.
See you, Dad.
- What?
- I flashed him.
[ Laughs ]
I mean, you've talked to him
about all this, right?
Yeah.
[ ROCK: Guitar ]
What gives this mess
Some grace
Unless it's kicks, man?
Unless it's fiction?
Unless it's sweat
or it's songs?
What hits
against this chest
Unless it's
a sick man's hand
From some mid-level band?
He's been driving too long
On a dark, windless night
With the stereo on
With the towns flying by
And the ground
getting soft
[ Continues ]
[ Ends ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Quacking continues ]
[ School bell ringing ]
- So I got some news.
- What?
Caroline
quit YBS.
- Why?
- I don't know.
Some bullshit about the whole
"tufted titmouse" thing.
It's total insanity.
Oh, shit.
Here comes Evelyn.
On my count, just pretend like I said
something really funny.
What? -No, don't look.
Three, two, one.
[ Laughing ]
Why aren't you laughing?
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Love you.
- Yeah.
Today was really
a banner day for us. -Why's that?
Well, I thought personally our approach
to hydrochloric acid was... Exemplary.
- So did you get a chance to--
- Yes, I did. I did.
Yeah, I think I did
quite a good job.
Oh, boy.
[ Laughs ]
- Thanks so much.
- No problem. Bye.
Bye.
Was that
her homework?
Yeah.
She totally wants me.
It's time to take this whole "being
lab partners" thing to the next level.
As in the--
[ Moaning ]
Sex level. You know
what I'm saying? [ Clicks teeth ]
- Okay.
- You know what I'm saying?
"Give it to me, Timmy! Timmy, I want
you so bad. I want you in my pants!"
[ Chattering ]
Shh.
Young Birder's Society. All present.
Mr. Secretary, please read the minutes.
Hey, um, where's--
where's Caroline?
- She's no longer a member.
- Why?
Mostly because her heart wasn't
in birding. Is that a problem, Rob?
Yeah, well, I-- I just
wanted to be in a club--
- Get out.
- What?
This isn't a dating service.
Get the hell out of here.
I won't miss this.
So now that
we're down to three,
I don't think we're technically
a club anymore by school rules.
Young Birder's Society, all present.
Mr. Secretary, please read the minutes.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
I hereby submit the minutes from
the meeting dated 4th of March.
In new business,
Peter Nessbaum was awarded
a Golden Feather by unanimous vote...
for his sighting
of a long-tailed jaeger.
My proposition to investigate
the purchase of a hang glider
was defeated 4-1,
despite it being
an awesome idea.
Finally, Caroline Halperin
threatened to quit YBS...
if I didn't stop calling her
tufted titmouse,
and, um...
Well, she ended up quitting.
- Mr. Chairman.
- Thank you, Mr. Barsky.
- Mr. Chairman.
- Mr. Portnoy?
I move to postpone officer reports,
committee reports and special orders...
and proceed directly
to new business.
- All for?
- [ Timmy, David ] Yea.
All opposed?
Nay.
The motion passes two votes to one.
Is there any new business?
- Mr. Chairman.
- The chair recognizes David Portnoy.
I spotted this on the street
this morning.
- Got a weird feeling about it.
- Let me see.
It looks like an eclipsed-plumage
white-winged scoter.
Move to mark image as inconclusive
and carry on with the meeting.
Move to
find the bird again.
The chair
recognizes himself.
Mr. Portnoy, this is
not the first time...
you've brought something
like this to the committee.
For reference, I cite the alleged
sun grebe last summer.
I didn't have a picture-- -With all due
respect, there's a credibility gap here.
Mr. Barsky?
While I appreciate the spirit
of David's proposal--
a rare bird sighting certainly could
reverse sinking membership.
But in my opinion
I think we should stick to
more aggressive recruitment strategies,
like getting a hang glider.
- Thank you.
- That's all, Mr. Chairman.
- All for finding David's duck?
- Yea.
All opposed?
[ Both ] Nay.
The motion is defeated
by a vote of two to one.
[ Snaps ]
Damn it.
[ Dog barking ]
[ Dad ]
Dave?
Dave, is that you?
Come up here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I've got everything kinda
sorted out into three main groups.
Uh, save, throw,
charity.
You got something on your lip.
What's that? -Nothing.
Pen exploded.
Wait.
Are you kidding?
I thought I'd save
the good ones.
Mom worked really hard
for all of these.
Okay, well, yeah, you're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Of course we'll keep that.
What's this?
[ Sighs ]
The blender?
You know what?
Juliana's got a really nice blender.
I was thinking
we could give that one to Ted.
I'd rather
we gave Juliana's to Ted.
Sure.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
I have to meet the string quartet
in, like, literally--
Stay.
..10 minutes.
So why don't you do this.
Take these, mark what you want to keep.
The rest we'll either chuck or give to
the goodwill. All right? Problem solved?
Fine.
- Yeah?
- See you.
Yeah.
[ Guitar ]
[ Man ] They say I should
pack it all in
But you're
all I've ever known
For me
it's beginning again
'Cause I just can't
let go
[ Vocalizing ]
[ Mom ] You're the camera guy
now, huh? [ David ] Yeah.
You should be looking
for birds, not mom.
Birds.
Birds, not me.
[ David ] Yeah.
[ Mom ] Yeah.
Amici, romani, cives--
- Where the hell is david?
- He's right there.
[ Timmy ] Not cool, man.
- Sorry.
Where the hell have you been?
We're in crisis mode here. -Sorry.
I think I may have
found a-- Oh, wow.
Look at Chad.
Fortuna bona sit.
Globos meos lambe.
So I checked every scaup,
scoter, eider,
including the palearctic
and neotropical options,
and none of them
are a match.
This again?
Did you even sleep?
So then I thought
maybe it's rarer than those.
Well, the critically endangered ducks
consist of the west indian whistling,
the laysan
and the white-headed duck.
But it's not any of those.
So what's rarer
than critically endangered?
[ Teacher ]
Prompti conicite!
Nothing. After critically endangered
it goes extinct.
Exactly.
Oh, my--
oh, damn it.
Camptorhynchus labradorius.
This would be so huge.
If Evelyn Reed knew
that I rediscovered an extinct duck,
she'd definitely
let me do her.
Possibly doggie-style.
It's called retrocopulation.
And the term "doggie-style" is offensive
to women and possibly dogs as well.
Guys, you're both missing the point.
What do you think?
It has to be female,
not a male.
The wing marks concern me, but to be
fair, wing marks always concern me.
"B" teams,
incendere ubi paratus!
Cool!
[ Applause ]
How does that work?
Okay, we need to
find this duck again.
What we need
is an expert opinion.
Well, uh... I can get us a meeting
with Lawrence Konrad.
Just because he said you had
"nice style" at a book signing?
Um, he said I had
"interesting style."
And yes, that's exactly why.
Dick.
[ Chattering ]
Hello?
He's too busy.
I told you this. -Hello?
What? Oh, sorry
to keep you waiting.
My secretary is at lunch,
and this thing should've-- [ Chirping ]
There you go.
Anyone? -Uh, yellow warbler.
Bravo.
Do come in.
Nope.
[ Chuckles ]
No, no, no, no.
That's all wrong.
Yeah, well,
it does decline at the nape.
- Which one of you saw it?
- Uh, I did.
I'm sorry the picture
is so blurry.
I was on my bike
when I spotted it.
On your bike?
[ Laughing ]
That's marvelous.
That's the great thing
about this field.
Doesn't matter if you're a
high school kid on your bike or...
An old egghead like me
with a boatload of silly degrees.
Absolutely anyone
can be a birder.
Except for blind people,
I suppose.
So you think it could actually be
a rare-- -Close the door, please.
Any of you familiar with
the term "lazarus species"?
You. Glasses.
An organism rediscovered alive
after having been considered extinct.
And while lazarus species
are very rare,
here in America I had the pleasure
of being amongst those...
who re-found
the ivory-billed woodpecker in 2005.
Though certain scientists
do dispute my claim.
Fools.
February 20, 2005.
I remember because
it was three weeks...
after my life magellanic
woodpecker in Chile.
Quite a month
for campephilus.
You remember all the dates
on your life list?
Now, on, uh, May 13th
of this year,
you might--
[ Chuckles ]
I do stress might--
have spotted--
- Yes!
- Camptorhynchus Labradorius.
Mm-hmm. -The first bird
to go extinct in north America.
No one has seen
one of these fellas since 1878.
So do you really think
that David saw a labrador duck?
Of course the photo is
too blurry to prove anything,
and it's certainly
out of consideration for publication.
Trust me, what birder's way
does not need is more controversy.
[ Sniffing ] No, I think the only thing
to do here...
Is to find the bird again.
Well, it's probably migrating.
It could be anywhere.
Which means you need
to get a move on.
The labrador is closely related
to sea ducks such as eiders.
It's probably heading north,
maybe even migrating with scoters.
Now, the good news
for you is...
That it'll be attracted to
the largest inland bodies of water...
before
it hits the coast.
My guess is it'll be in southern
Connecticut by sun fall tomorrow.
So you think it's actually possible
to find it again?
I do. But I must warn you,
I love the chase.
I don't know whether
you've read my memoir--
Look To The Skies.
I've read it five times. -[ Chuckles ]
Then I don't need
to tell you...
that I spent 15 months
in Ecuador...
tracking the pale-headed
brush-finch,
only to learn that it was a mere
white-headed brush-finch.
If I had faced facts
a few days earlier,
you'd be looking
at a man with--
[ Tapping ]
two legs.
I won't deny it. I'm starting to get
very jealous of you lads.
We have, um, modern european
history class in 25 minutes.
Fair enough.
Well, do keep me informed.
Never hesitate to call.
Oh, and one piece of advice
from an old twitcher--
get yourselves a better camera,
one with a strong telephoto lens.
Having the wrong gear is precisely
why this photo is ultimately useless.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Dr. Konrad.
Mr. Konrad?
Could you,
um, s-sign my book?
- First edition.
- Yeah.
"Portnoy."
Was your mother
Dorothy Portnoy?
Y-you know my mother?
Of course.
Back in
the '80s and '90s,
she helped pioneer
the use of marine radar...
to predict
migrant fall-outs.
She was a real unsung hero
of birding.
That must have been
awful.
I'm deeply sorry
for your loss.
[ Pen scratching
on paper ]
- Why?
- It's way too intense.
I'm sorry, but this would take
an official YBS vote, guys.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Move to discuss.
Um, second.
All right, the chair recognizes
Timothy Barsky.
Thank you.
Mr. Chairman, Mr. Portnoy.
Simply put,
we must find this bird.
I think it could represent
a new hope for YBS,
which frankly is
on the brink of collapse.
I think with
the right publicity,
the sighting of a labrador duck
could boost membership...
and the three of us
could reap untold rewards,
fame-wise, money-wise
and vagina-wise.
Thank you.
That's all, Mr. Chairman.
I concur.
Move to vote.
Second.
All in favor of searching
for the extinct labrador duck?
[ Both ]
Yea.
All opposed?
Nay.
Motion passes
two to one.
- I'll draw up the budget.
- You don't have to.
I want to.
- Yeah?
- Hey, uh--
I left something
in the lab yesterday.
Oh. Okay.
I'm Ellen,
by the way.
What?
We're in a class together,
so I'm telling you who I am.
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Hi. There you go.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.
[ Classical ]
[ Peter ] All right, so given the
expected speed of the labrador duck...
[ Continues ] the bird will be
forced to rest in this 15-mile radius...
encompassing Cedar Lake
at Cockaponset.
Okay, well, I'm putting my money
on Cockaponset.
And not just because it has
the word "cock" in it.
Well, I still maintain
it's a long shot at best,
but as places go,
it is more likely than most.
On the transportation front, my cousin
Eric said he'd loan me some wheels.
He did? -Yeah.
He's a cool guy. He likes me a lot.
[ Doorbell rings ] Hey, isn't your dad
getting married this weekend?
Yep.
This is way more important.
[ Juliana ] David?
- Yeah?
David--
oh, hi, boys!
- Hello, Mrs. Santos.
- Juliana-- oww.
David,
there's somebody here to see you.
A girl from your school,
I think.
- Go on in, hon.
[ Ellen ] Thank you.
[ CLASSICAL: Off ]
You stole the lens?
- Preposterous.
- What's "Project Anus"?
Anas. Okay?
And it's none of your business.
Just give me the lens.
And what evidence do you have of
this alleged theft of this alleged lens?
Well, it was there earlier
this afternoon.
I gave him the keys, he went
into the lab, and then it was gone.
Circumstantial. -It's sitting
right next to you.
- Oh, damn it, Peter!
- Oh, my god.
Have you ever heard of
a labrador duck?
I still don't get why
it's called Project Anus.
- Anas!
[ David ] It's Latin for "duck."
- You guys speak Latin?
- Yeah. Sometimes.
You could come
with us.
This would seriously be
the first photo of this extinct duck?
Yeah.
Definitely.
If I come,
I'm taking the picture.
No, you're not. Okay?
That's not a possibility.
- Take it or leave it.
- We'll take it.
When do we leave? -7:00 AM.
From Timmy's cousin's house.
25 Southridge Drive.
Cool.
Where the hell
did that come from?
She made me nervous.
Okay?
On the flip side, one or possibly more
of us will get some action this weekend.
- Most likely be me.
[ David ] Nope. Not going to happen.
Hey.
Need some help?
I got it.
- Just help him, Donnie.
- Yeah.
- Where you going?
- Timmy's.
- Huh.
- Sleeping over tonight.
You know, uh,
I'm getting married... Tomorrow.
I'll be back
in plenty of time.
Yeah, uh--
Come on, Dad.
It's important. I gotta go.
All right--
okay.
Okay. Okay.
I know I'm supposed to give you
your grieving space.
Don't quote
Dr. Schultz.
It's just, you know,
the rehearsal is at 10:00 AM.
- Rehearsal?
- Yeah.
The rehearsal is walking from one side
of the lawn to the other. Right?
[ Sighs ]
Okay, Dave, com--
Time out.
You know? I-I--
All right, I know. I get that it's
all gotta seem pretty weird to you.
And maybe Juliana's not your
favorite person in the world.
Dad, I really don't
want to talk about this.
Fast-forward. 10 years from now.
Who's gonna care?
She's gonna be your really cool
kick-ass mom.
You gotta look at things
like everything happens for a reason.
- What?
- You know, what might--
"For a reason"?
You know, I shouldn't have
said that.
That's not
what I meant to say.
- What I meant--
- No.
- Bullshit.
- Come on, David.
[ Mom ] I'm gonna catch you.
[ Laughing ]
Here I come.
[ Chattering, laughing ]
You are too fast!
I gotcha!
[ Knocking on glass ]
Sorry I'm late.
Have we confirmed
he knows we're coming? -Yes.
Eric!
[ Rock, muffled ]
[ Continues ]
Timmy. My man.
Eric. My man.
[ Chuckles ] You think I could
grab those keys now?
Oh. Yeah.
The keys. Totally.
Could you go
get them now? -Sure.
You're Eric's cousin?
Yeah.
F-first cousin.
Hmm.
These are--
[ Scoffs ]
These are keys
to a kryptonite bike lock.
Wait. You wanted
to borrow my car?
- Yeah.
- Timmy!
- I'm not going to lend you my car.
- Why not?
For, like,
several reasons.
There are insurance issues that would
not be easy to resolve, to say the least.
I have no reason to believe that
you or any of your friends
are safe and/or reliable drivers,
not to mention Trish and I have plans
to use the car...
to go up to Sheep's Meadow
to hang out and smoke weed.
He does make some
convincing arguments.
- Thank you.
[ Timmy ] Fine!
Well, thanks anyway, Eric.
You're a real cool guy.
P.S. Grandma thinks
you're a communist.
I am a communist.
Bye, Timmy's
little friends.
Bye. Bye.
Bye.
I hate him.
If he hadn't DJ'd
my bar mitzvah,
my life would be a lot better
right now, believe you me.
So, is Trish
Eric's steady girlfriend?
What?
Oh! I found it!
[ Groans ]
Ever drive a cabriolet,
Peter?
Absolutely not.
What? You're the only one
with a license.
I'm not driving
a stolen car, guys.
[ David ] It's not a stolen car.
We'll bring it back tomorrow.
He'll just think
he forgot where he parked it, right?
Come on, man. This is your chance
to not be a total pussy.
You can impress
an actual girl.
It's exciting.
Ellen?
I think Peter should do
what he wants.
But, yeah,
I-I would be impressed.
Very impressed.
Thanks.
[ Tires screech ]
[ Horn honks ]
[ POP: Man singing ]
[ Horn honks ]
[ Ellen snickers ]
[ Timmy ] Peter, just merge!
You have no idea what kind
of pressure this is. No idea.
Okay, well,
you don't have to spaz.
Are you gonna
keep it under 35? -Yes.
I am.
That's probably
more dangerous.
Timmy?
Holy shit.
What is this?
Is that crack cocaine?
- I have no idea. Maybe.
- "Maybe"?
Just keep driving, Peter.
I-it looks like--
Looks like crystals. -You know what?
Maybe it's rock candy.
Ellen, grow up. Okay?
They're crystals.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
Crystal meth.
- Throw it out the window.
- What?
No, we can't just throw it
out the window. -Yes, we can.
Peter, think!
What happens if we
return the car without the drugs?
Maybe Eric was trying to sell them
on behalf of some drug lords.
And then when the drug lords
come looking for the money,
suddenly Eric doesn't have the
money or the drugs, so they kill him.
Eric sucks,
but he doesn't deserve to die.
Okay, just keep it hidden.
Give it, Ellen.
[ Glove box opens, closes ]
Done.
- I don't like it.
- I'm shocked. I'm really shocked.
Peter, for the love of god, you have to
speed up. It's like we're in a wagon.
[ Man ] But I always choose
another way
This is why this love
can't stay
[ Timmy ]
Now we're cruising.
- This is totally illegal.
- Peter, it's fine.
You only have your learner's permit.
[ Engine knocking, squeaking ]
What's that noise?
Sounds like
a black-and-white warbler.
[ Timmy ] Sounds like a red-breasted
nuthatch,
but it's coming from the engine.
What's a finch look like?
A finch, it's kind of like a perching
bird with a small, sharp, pointy bill.
Well, my boyfriend's band
is called The Real Finches.
[ Timmy laughs ]
The Real Finches?
Sounds like
a pretty hard-core band.
Right, 'cause you're into more
hard-core stuff, like Beethoven?
Um, Bartk, okay?
Maybe, like,
late Beethoven, yeah.
Right.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, these
are totally retro.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
They were my mom's.
- Is she a big birder?
- You know his mom's dead, right?
- What?
- Oh.
Guess that's before you moved here.
David doesn't like to talk about it.
Thanks, Timmy.
Okay, guys, I have
an announcement to make.
I want everyone to remain still
while I talk, especially you Peter.
There is a vehicle that has been
trailing us for the past 10 miles,
and there are definitely
guns in the vehicle.
- Oh, my god!
- Peter, stay still.
[ Peter ]
Sorry.
They could be
Eric's drug lord bosses.
David, can you just slow down
and see if they pass us? -Yeah.
It doesn't have guns
on it.
- Oh, shit.
- There they are.
Oh, that was
a close one.
How was that
a close one?
It was a close one.
What's with
all the people?
Is this, like, an important day for
birding or something? -It's Saturday.
- Hey, Portnoy's back!
- Hey, Matheny.
Are you like the boy wonder
of the birding world or something?
No, I just haven't
been here in a while.
[ Ellen ] So what's going on here,
exactly?
Okay, um,
first you have
the feeder fillers.
And they just want a bird feeder
so they can attract a bird...
like a cardinal.
And then there's listers,
like those guys over there.
Now, listers, they like
the numbers and the data.
So they record everything
on these very meticulous life lists.
So if my dad was a birder,
he'd be a lister.
- He's not a birder?
- No.
He owns five chicken huts. He
literally makes a living killing birds.
So which kind of birder
are you?
Well, there's one more.
The watchers.
Now, the watchers--
this is Lawrence Konrad's definition--
they want to achieve a transcendent
connection between nature...
that erases any distinction between,
I guess, human and bird souls.
Let me guess.
- You're a watcher.
- Mmm--
Well, there's actually
very few watchers out there.
In the world of birding, most of us are
just listers who strive to be watchers.
[ Duck call quacking ]
Old-school duck call. Help us
in finding the, uh, you-know-what.
[ Man ]
I don't know. What?
- Nothing.
- You guys heading out?
Yeah, we're going
to Cockaponset. - The Cock.
You guys
from around here?
No. Somers.
All right, all right.
What do you see up there?
Hooded warblers,
arcadian flycatcher,
yellow-billed cuckoo,
yellow-winged vireo.
Wait, you saw
a yellow-winged vireo in New York?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Don't be an asshole,
Jeff.
[ David ]
What?
Oh, I'm sorry. I mean
a yellow-throated vireo.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
There it is.
So what kind of stuff
do you guys see?
We just had a great trip
to Tanzania.
Saw an usambara eagle-owl,
among other things.
- Not bad for our first year.
- First year?
Last year we climbed
the Seven Summits.
This year we're going
for the world big year record.
Oh, so you're not birders.
You're more like mountain dew ads.
More like extreme hobbyists.
That means in 10 months, we've
seen over 350 endangered species,
including finding only the
sixth-known nest of a grauer's broadbill.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah. -Yeah.
David saw
a labrador duck.
You know that's extinct,
right?
Yes.
Well, but--
No, she isn't--
she's not a birder.
She has no idea
what she's talking about. -Yes, I do.
No, she doesn't.
Okay, 'cause that is
a pretty big claim. You know?
Spotting
an extinct species.
You guys have a photo
or anything? -No. No.
She's confused. We can't have a
picture of something that doesn't exist.
- Right.
- Right.
All right?
We should be going.
- Yeah.
- Right, right, right.
- Well, good birding.
- Good birding, fellas.
- Good birding.
- [ Quack ]
[ Murmuring ]
Labrador duck?
I'm sorry, Ellen,
you're a complete idiot.
Whatever. They didn't
believe me anyway.
Let's hope to god
you're right.
[ Rock ]
[ Man ] She lived in space, man
[ Continues ]
Hey, check it out.
[ Geese honking ]
Yeah.
[ Peter ] David?
- What are you doing?
I'm just gonna
catch up with them.
Almost there.
There we go.
[ Honking continues ]
Could the labrador duck
be up there?
No.
They're Canada geese.
[ Continues ]
Still want to see her
in the morning
[ Squeaking, hissing ]
[ Engine knocking ]
Shit.
Oh, no, no, no.
It must be related to the warbler noise.
Shit! - [ Peter ] Nuthatch noise.
[ Timmy ]
Okay, shut up, Peter.
[ Engine dies ]
[ Stops ]
[ Steam hissing ]
[ David ] I think it's just an overheated
alternator thing or something.
[ Timmy ] You have no idea what
you're talking about.
[ Ellen ]
We should go home.
[ Timmy ]
I knew it.
I'm sorry.
You knew what?
Come on.
We all knew from the start
it was a mistake to bring you. Okay?
You're late, you have to pee all the time,
and now you want to quit.
I brought a telephoto lens and five
years of photography experience.
- What did you bring?
- Oh, um, let me think.
Excellent leadership skills,
logic,
an orange belt
in shaolin long fist,
fluency
in Latin and Espaol...
Awesome logic skills.
Guys, I'm going to go call the
triple-a. -Where are we, exactly?
Um, we're somewhere
near Woodstock, so--
- Wait. Woodstock?
- Yeah.
- Hold on one second.
- Who are you gonna call?
Booty call. The Reeds
have a house out here.
- Wait. Evelyn Reed?
- Yeah.
Hey, Evelyn.
It's Timmy.
Timmy.
- Timmy Barsky.
- [ Scoffs ]
- Timmy Barsky.
- We should get a backup.
No, no, they're friends.
Kind of.
I mean, I guess she does call him
her personal math hobbit.
Yeah, so we're in
a bit of a pickle-dick.
N-no, it's a stupid line
from--
I guess you probably
want to call your mom.
Well, that would involve telling her
where I am, so... No, thank you.
She's in New Mexico at a swing
and salsa conference this weekend,
so it was either this
or sitting around on my own.
So...
Swing and salsa?
Well, they're actually
really different.
Okay.
Oh, that's--
[ Laughs ] That's a lot!
Hey, I'm sorry
about your mom.
I didn't mean
to bring it up.
It's okay.
Timmy's an idiot sometimes.
Really,
it's not a big deal.
I mean, of course it's a big deal,
but it's not a big deal.
How long ago
did she pass away?
Almost a year
and a half ago.
Just, you know,
you have my-- you have--
[ Timmy ]
Hey, guys.
We're good.
So what is this top-secret mission
you guys are on?
I mean,
I could tell you, but--
You'd have to
kill me?
No, of course not.
I'm a pacifist. Peter would kill you.
- I'm a pacifist.
- He's really not.
- He has to say that. It's his cover.
- Oh, my god. You're so funny.
[ Laughs ]
I know.
I think we may have actually
found an extinct duck. -Wow!
- Oh, this is public information now?
- Uh, yeah.
Get in the car.
- Thanks again, Ev.
- Hey, I should be thanking you.
I don't know what I'd do
without you. -Oh--
Uh, hey, you know.
I'm Timmy.
I'm-- I'm your--
[ Engine starts ]
I'm your guy.
[ RADIO: Rap ]
You are!
Bye, guys.
Oh, and girl.
Why was she thanking you?
Oh, my god,
she's so hot.
How much this time,
Timmy?
I don't know.
Maybe the rest of the year.
You're doing her math homework
for the rest of the year?
You wouldn't understand
our relationship. Okay?
- Oh, my god.
- What?
[ Timmy ] No guns.
[ Peter ] What?
They've taken
the guns.
You brought it with you? -We need
to call the cops. Like, right now, guys.
And tell them what, Peter? That
we stole a car loaded with narcotics?
- You are a genius!
- Keep it hidden.
- All in favor?
- Aye. -Aye.
You know what?
They'll kill us in the woods. Okay?
[ Knocking ]
- Eric.
- We have a situation.
[ Bird chirping ]
[ Ellen ]
What's that one?
Uh...
Black-capped chickadee.
How can you tell
which one it is so quickly?
Well, the best way is
to recognize its giss.
What?
[ Chuckles ]
G-i-s-s.
General impression,
shape and size.
That's how you make
a snap ID of a bird.
Yeah, I mean, I guess
it had a nice "jizz."
You know--
I know "giss" sounds like ejaculation.
I mean, come on.
Chickadee jizz?
Yeah.
It's in the tit family too. -Oh.
Um, I guess another way is
you can ID it by its calls.
So--
[ Bird chirping ]
Uh... Downy woodpecker.
[ Bird chirping ]
White-breasted nuthatch.
[ Bird chirping ]
Carolina wren.
[ Bird chirping ]
The nuthatch again.
[ Bird chirping, loud ]
- What was that one?
- It was a wood thrush.
[ Sighs ]
Hold on.
- Yeah?
- Where are you?
- Timmy's.
- You drove to Timmy's in Eric's car.
Peter drove.
Mm-hmm.
David, what the hell
is going on?
We may have discovered
an extinct duck.
We're at a park in Connecticut
just trying to look for it,
and we'll be back by tomorrow.
- An extinct duck?
- Yes.
We're just-- -All right, first,
you're seriously grounded.
Second-- and let me
make this abundantly clear--
if we end up waiting around for
you tomorrow just to waltz in--
You've already made it abundantly
clear how you can't handle waiting.
You know what?
Don't come.
[ Quietly ]
Shit.
Dad.
- Dad, I'm sorry.
- No, no. You're a young man now.
You can make
your own decisions.
I'll have Ted be the best man.
Sure.
Fine.
[ Clicks ]
- That was your dad?
- Yes.
- Hey, everything okay?
- Yes.
- Are you sure?
- My dad's getting married tomorrow.
To my mom's nurse.
Do you wanna
talk about it? -No.
Wait, David.
How are we gonna get back in time?
We're not.
[ Timmy ] I'm just saying, I think
the dunnock is the sluttiest bird.
[ Ellen ] Why?
- He or she has a partner...
And then immediately
goes to another partner.
- Kinda like you, Ellen.
- Thank you, Timmy. Thank you.
It's right there
behind the bush. See? Okay.
[ Chirping ]
One o'clock.
One o'clock.
You gotta look
right at it and just put the--
Oh-- oh.
[ Chirping ]
Hey, put down
eastern for me. You got it.
It's like I'm talking to it
and it replies. See?
- Pss, pss.
- Peter, shut up.
[ Chirping ]
[ Man vocalizing ]
[ Timmy ] Okay,
a lot of spider webs, guys.
[ Ellen ] Oh, big spider, big spider.
Big spider.
[ Peter ] Guys, I hear their spiders
are murder.
[ Vocalizing continues ]
[ David ]
There it is.
[ Peter ] All right, so there's a bridge
about two miles north-northeast of here.
[ David ] It's getting dark. I think
we should just cross here.
Exactly. I don't know about you guys.
I'm crossing this river.
[ Peter ] It's way too dangerous.
[ Timmy ] Oh, come on, Peter!
You know women cite physical bravery
as the number one quality in a man?
It's a sense of humor.
Ellen, brave or funny guys?
- Funny.
- What?
Okay, well, whatever.
With hot women, anyway,
as in Evelyn Reed,
it's physical bravery.
So ha. -Can we stop it
with Evelyn Reed already?
[ Timmy ] Um, jealous much?
[ Ellen ] Timmy, you keep kissing her ass,
hoping something
will happen--
- Which it will.
- When she's so clearly dork-baiting you.
Okay, Evelyn Reed
likes me, all right?
What's dork-baiting?
It's when a cute girl
is super nice to a nerdy guy--
- I'm not nerdy.
- ..so that he'll worship her...
and fix her computer and
make her feel good about herself...
and, oh, also
do her homework.
I'm doing her homework
because we're friends, all right?
That's what friends
do for each other.
You wouldn't know 'cause
you don't have any friends.
Timmy, it took her
45 minutes to drive us here.
So now you're gonna go and do
her homework for the rest of the year.
Just go. -Doesn't that sound
messed up to you?
Let's just go. -She calls you
her "personal math hobbit."
That's bullshit.
I'm not gonna believe that. -Yeah?
David told me.
What?
Is that true?
- I'm sorry.
- Shut up!
- Is that true?
- I didn't mean to say it--
Just please stop talking!
Why are you such a bitch to me?
- Let's go, Timmy.
- No, I know. You take her side!
- I'm not taking anyone's side.
- Of course you are.
You don't give a crap
about me or Peter!
Come on. Let's just cross
the river, okay, guys?
Stop being a pussy!
You have to realize that everyone
in the world is full of shit, okay?
He doesn't give a crap about you,
me or finding the labrador duck.
He just wants to pork
Ellen of Troy over there!
- I am not a pussy, okay?
- What are you talking about?
Every time I look at you, you're
trying to talk to her and feel her up.
Don't get your hopes up, Dave.
She's probably just dork-baiting you!
I don't even like Ellen!
You don't know anything about me!
Oh, yeah! I wouldn't know
anything about my best friend!
[ Gasping ] Because his mom died
he's all messed up or whatever!
Fuck you!
- [ Timmy ] Shit!
- [ Ellen ] Are you okay?
- [ Gasping ]
- [ David ] Peter. You all right?
- Peter.
- His inhaler!
- Where is it? Shit.
- Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
It's okay. Stand up,
stand up. Go on!
[ Ellen ] Peter, stand up.
Peter, stand up!
Stand up.
Come on. Get it.
You gotta get him
to the shore. -I know, I know!
Okay, okay. Come on. This side.
This side, this side, this side.
[ Peter wheezes, coughs ]
[ Peter gasping ]
[ Timmy ] Oh, my god!
It's so cold!
- Up. Come on.
- Oh, my god.
- [ Ellen ] Okay.
- [ Timmy gasps ]
- [ David ] Oh!
- [ Ellen ] Guys, it's sounding really bad!
[ Coughing ]
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm just gonna give you mouth-to-
mouth, okay? Lean back. Lean back.
Stop. Okay, ready?
One, two, three. -No.
[ Coughing ]
[ Ellen ] Guys!
- Oh! I got it!
- I found it!
- Yes! Yes!
- Throw it to me!
- [ David ] Yes. Come on!
[ Peter gasping ]
[ Ellen ] Timmy, just throw it!
[ Peter coughs ]
Oh, shit. Okay.
- Throw it!
- All-all right. Okay.
Okay. Oh, god!
- What the hell, Timmy!
- Are you trying to kill him?!
I'm sorry!
I'm a birder!
I got it.
Okay, now--
Peter!
[ Wheezing ]
[ Inhaler hisses ]
Yeah. [ Sighs ]
It's over.
[ Both panting ]
- That sucked!
- [ Panting ]
[ David ]
Are you all right?
- [ Exhales ]
- [ Grunts ]
You okay?
Thanks again
for the T-shirt.
It's a good color
for you.
It really is.
[ Owl hooting ]
- [ Ellen ] So how long--
- Shh.
[ Hooting ]
Great horned owl.
Nice.
Personal frickin' hobbit.
There are tons of girls
out there, Timmy.
Easy for you to say, Miss I-have-
crazy-wild-sex-whenever-I-want.
What?
You don't have to rub it
in our faces.
What are you
talking about?
I've never even
had sex, okay?
That's bullshit.
You're dating a guy in a band.
We've only kissed, and he
lives in Minnesota anyway.
- Is that where you're from?
- I lived there for a year.
And then before that Delaware,
Texas, Guam and Germany.
Germany. Yeah.
My dad's
in the air force.
That's so badass.
It sucks.
I'm always the new girl, and then
whenever I make a friend, we move.
Where are you going next?
Actually, it looks like
we'll be in Somers for good now.
Okay, well,
I have a confession to make.
Um...
Technically speaking,
I've never... Really done a girl.
Not even missionary style.
You're 15. It's okay.
It's not a big deal.
I've only kissed, like, one boy.
Okay, well, I have
another confession to make.
Um...
Technically speaking,
I've never...
Really kissed a girl.
Me neither.
- Spin the stick?
- Right.
I've, um-- I've never
really kissed a girl either.
No!
[ Ellen, David chuckle ]
Sorry.
[ Laughing ]
That's what I asked him.
Don't patronize me.
That's what happened.
I can tell you that story
does not get better with age,
unlike this wine.
Thank you. Not from a box.
Special occasion?
So you bribed a cop? -I invented
a great meal, thank you very much.
[ Woman ] Debatable.
[ Man ] French fries with honey...
is not that great
a meal.
It's paying for David's college,
so no complaining.
Where is David anyway?
He's, uh-- he's actually
on a bird-watching trip.
I didn't know
he was still into all that.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely into it.
[ Woman ] That's great. -Is he
still planning on skipping college...
and making wildlife films?
What? When did he
tell you that, Ted?
I don't know. The--
the last time I saw him.
At the, you know--
the funeral.
- Uh--
[ Ted chuckles ] What?
No, I guess
we haven't talked about it.
All right.
Would you like some more wine?
- Yes!
- Of course.
[ Ted laughs ] You would. -[ Woman ]
What's that supposed to mean?
[ Mara ] Really?
[ Ted ] Just saying.
[ Insects chirping ]
- Hey, Peter?
- Yeah?
Do you ever wish that earth
was more like middle-earth?
All the time.
[ Branch snapping ]
Drug lords.
I'll stand guard.
Yes!
- I can see you.
- Oh, Jesus!
- Close your eyes, all right?
- Sorry.
Done.
Sorry.
Can I see?
Sure.
There it is.
- First drawing?
- Yeah.
Really trying
to perfect that one. Yeah?
Yeah, it's-- it's weird.
It's fine.
Last year I came home early from school
one time and my dad was doing drugs.
Wait.
Like "drug" drugs?
Yeah.
Like snorting
crushed Oxycontin.
It was pretty intense.
I have this image stuck in my head
of his face when he saw me.
I've never told anyone
except for my shrink.
I-I have a shrink too.
Yeah, I would hope so.
Your dad's getting married
in, like, 20 hours.
Yeah.
And you said he's marrying
your mom's nurse?
Yeah.
Was there, like--
- Forget it. I--
- O-overlap?
Yeah. I don't know.
Maybe.
I'm sure that there wasn't.
I mean, I--
My mom was sick
for a long time.
I've definitely
thought about it.
You know...
You're actually a lot easier to talk to
than my shrink.
And definitely a lot easier
to talk to than Timmy and Peter.
[ Chuckles ]
Thanks.
I don't really
have a boyfriend.
He was just a guy
that I kissed at a party,
and I said
he was my boyfriend, but... He's not.
Okay.
Yeah, so--
I should go back to bed.
Okay, I'll--
I guess I'll guard.
- Sit guard.
- Right. Okay. Yeah.
All right,
well, good night. -Night.
Night.
Awesome.
[ Footsteps ]
Shh.
[ Vehicles approaching ]
What was that?
I don't know.
Timmy?
[ Timmy ]
Goddamn drug lords!
[ Grunting ]
Wait up.
[ David ]
Timmy! Timmy.
It's go time. -Wait, wait.
Your plan is to knife them?
Just put away
the knife, Timmy.
It's your funeral.
Whoa. Nice outfits.
How we doin'?
Any luck
finding the labrador?
Why are you
following us?
We're actually
following our guide.
Who's your guide?
Gentlemen!
[ Konrad ]
Birding on an ATV.
Seems like
an oxymoron,
but it gets the job done.
You know, ever since
you boys left my office,
I've been kicking myself.
How could I,
a noted veteran of the field,
entrust what is probably the biggest
ornithological find of the century...
to-- no offense now--
amateurs?
Lately I've been spending a bit of time
guiding these gentlemen here,
and I just thought the more chaps
helping-- -We don't need your help.
Well, I think we can
all agree that
the most important thing here is
finding the bird.
We're simply doubling
the size of our search party.
Just a few years ago,
even with hundreds of people
combing that Arkansas bayou,
we still couldn't prove our claim
on finding-- -Yeah, we know.
The ivory-billed
woodpecker. We're fans.
You're trying to poach
our sighting.
Who's the new girl?
Her name's Ellen.
Guys. I'm sorry.
Can we take a second?
Of course.
- What--
- Sorry.
- Iis non credo.
- Verum est.
Fugiamus.
Consentiens frustrabo.
Carpe diem?
[ Boys ]
Carpe diem.
So you're saying we're all gonna
get a shared sighting credit?
Oh, certainly. I'm sorry. I should have
prefaced all this by saying--
It's fine. We think we saw
something flying south a few hours ago,
heading toward Cross Lake.
- I think we should stick with Cedar's.
It's the most obvious choice.
Of course. We can split up. We'll go
to Cedar, and you can go to the river--
A sea duck
resting on a river?
Have you even been
birding before?
[ Timmy ] Watch it.
- Oh, really?
It's just what I saw.
[ Peter ]
Eos abducam.
- Peter.
- Hey.
- Peter, what are you doing?
- Non sum vagina.
- Hey!
- No, no, no, no!
[ Peter shouts ]
Hey, off, you crazy kid!
Stop! Stop!
Get off the--
Are you crazy? Are you insane?
[ Jeff ]
Go, go, go!
Come on!
Get on! Get on!
- Holy shit!
- Thrilling.
So what now?
- What do you mean?
- I don't know.
Peter just stole
your friend's ATV,
and you're trying to
steal our sighting.
- Just that.
- That's one way of looking at it.
Another way is to say
that we're four birders...
looking to find an extinct duck,
standing on the brink of history.
How do we know you're not
gonna steal the credit for the sighting?
Are we cool?
Yes.
Miguel forgot a tie.
You have one?
He's not gonna want
one of my ties.
Let me see
what David has.
[ Sighs ]
Don, I'm gonna need
the list for the--
What the hell
is all this?
I think I might be
an asshole, Ted.
[ Konrad ] It's rare I go birding
with the younger generation.
I had hoped that my daughter
would follow in my footsteps,
but she and my ex-wife
detest me.
Did you and your mother
bird together?
Yes. A lot.
She would have
adored this.
You probably don't remember,
but back in the '90s,
she discovered a new colony
of piping plovers.
Piping plovers. I have
all the newspaper clippings.
There's nothing like
the feeling of discovery.
How's your father doing? It must be
difficult for the two of you now.
He's, uh,
he's getting married.
I see.
- Yeah.
- Well, everyone copes differently.
Yeah. And some people
are just dicks.
Your father
is not a dick.
I'm sorry,
but you don't know him.
Well, I do, actually.
He helped with archiving
Dotty's research materials...
at the magazine
after she died.
What?
Wait, wait, how?
How is that possible?
Birds are my muses.
And I strive to be
a true watcher.
I can remember when I spotted my
first greater prairie chicken...
but not
my own daughter's birthday.
But you're already--
I'm 63 years old
and very much alone.
I guide assholes
for money.
I have one leg
and no driver's license.
Please do not confuse me
with a role model.
Why don't you have
a driver's license?
A bit of a mix-up...
between what I thought was an albino
nighthawk and a high-speed police chase.
[ Dotty ]
Get your binoculars out.
Okay, keep looking.
Keep looking. See if you see it.
Remarkable.
Yeah, it's empty
though.
[ Exhales ]
Here goes nothin'.
[ Quacking ]
[ Duck quacking ]
- Was that it?
- Maybe. It was a little muffled.
No, it was definitely
a greeting call.
[ David ] I think that maybe it was--
- Oh, my god!
That would be
a male mallard. -Oh.
[ Quacking ]
[ David ] Wait.
Why did it answer
to a scoter call?
Maybe it was raised
by scoters.
It was not raised
by scoters, okay?
[ David ] Cross Lake is a few miles up.
I think maybe we should just go there.
Why would it go
to the lake that's farther from shore?
It's not unheard of.
It's practically unheard of.
Guys?
Is that your duck,
David?
Oh, my god.
[ Ellen ]
What's it doing?
[ David ]
Shh. It's preening.
The light
couldn't be better.
[ Konrad ]
It's a magnificent bird.
[ Shutter clicking ]
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Timmy ] Shit!
- Hey, fellas!
- What the hell, man!
[ Vehicles approaching ]
I'm Carl Senior.
This is my son,
Carl Junior.
Oh, awesome! You just shot
an extinct duck! -Timmy, calm down.
I'm not sure you know
what that word means.
[ Jeff ]
Your friend is nuts!
[ Dog barking ]
[ Jeff ] Whoa.
[ Carl Sr. ] Easy, cruise.
[ Jeff ] Hey.
[ Peter ]
Whoa.
- How did this happen?
- These morons shot it.
- Everyone, relax.
- You shot an extinct duck, sir.
Does extinct mean something different
these days? [ Duck quacking ]
[ Wings flapping ]
[ Wings flapping ]
[ Quacking ]
It's suffering.
[ Carl Sr. ]
Give it to me. Please.
Please.
[ Neck snaps ]
[ Sighs, coughs ]
[ Konrad ] May I see the animal?
[ Konrad ] This isn't a labrador duck.
[ Timmy ] What?
Its neck does decline strangely,
but I think what we have here...
is an oddly-plumaged
hybrid mallard.
Look at the wing markings. -See,
the wing markings always concerned me.
Yep. It's definitely
an odd hybrid of sorts.
- Just shut up, Jeff.
[ Carl Sr. ] If it's okay with you guys,
we'd like to take the duck
for our banquet.
Banquet? -We're hunting
for our church banquet.
All the proceeds are going
to the Save Darfur Foundation.
Well, that's a bit
of silver lining.
David, it's--
David, it was just
a hybrid mallard.
[ Sobs ]
[ Exhales ]
It looked at me.
It didn't have to suffer.
I know.
Why did she have to die?
[ Sobbing ]
I don't know why.
[ Sobbing ]
You know in Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doom,
the bad guy that goes around
and rips the heart out of people...
and holds it up in front of their face
so they watch it beat?
- Yeah, I hate that part.
- [ Sniffles ]
[ Breathes deeply ]
I don't see how
it'll ever stop hurting.
Well, um, maybe one day...
it'll feel less awful than "ripping
an organ out of your chest" pain.
But my guess is
it'll always hurt.
Yeah.
[ Sniffles ]
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What-what time is it?
I don't know.
I think my phone died three hours ago.
Will we make it back
for the wedding?
- I mean, we don't have a car.
- I wonder if I have cell service.
- Oh, my god.
- What?
- What?
- Oh, my god, no.
This is-- this is worse
than it looks.
- We need to get you home.
- [ David ] Yeah.
So, those guys
weren't really drug lords.
No, they were pretty much
the opposite of drug lords.
[ Ellen ] You're not going
to taste that, are you?
Just kidding.
It's rock candy.
- I said it was rock candy!
- Your first correct I.D.
It's going on
my life list.
[ Man ] Now we'll hear
a musical selection...
from the son of the bride,
Miguel Santos.
Miguel?
Meet me tonight
in Dreamland
Under the silv'ry moon
Meet me tonight
in Dreamland
Where love's
sweet roses bloom
Meet me in Dreamland
Oh, sweet dreamy Dreamland
There make my dreams
Come true
Thank you, Miguel.
Mm! And now the rings.
David?
Working at
your own wedding?
Right?
It's pretty messed up.
You know, there's a million
people to talk to out there.
I know. It's what I get
for hiring Eric, I guess.
That is what you get.
Dad?
Yeah?
Were you seeing Juliana...
before or after mom--
Definitely after.
Good.
Your mother
was the love of my life.
You know that.
No, I didn't.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
David, I'm sorry. I should have
done a better job of explaining it all.
- We spoke about it.
- No, we didn't.
We didn't speak about it.
Not really.
We didn't.
You know, it's--
you remember that--
I just don't want to pretend
that we don't miss mom.
Me either.
Wanna grab that chicken?
[ Ellen ] They thought we were
terrorists. It was awful.
Hey. Excuse me.
Are you in a band
or something?
Excuse me?
[ Jazz ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Feedback ]
[ Taps on microphone ]
Hello?
[ Stops ]
[ Chattering continues ]
Hey!
[ Chattering stops ]
Hey, everyone. Um--
So technically
I'm the best man here,
and I guess
I'm supposed to give a toast.
Um--
[ Sighs ] Where do I start?
The thing is,
the last couple of days I've
been looking for an extinct duck.
[ Scattered laughter ]
No.
No, it's not like
a metaphor or something.
Turns out
it wasn't extinct.
Actually, it wasn't the duck
I thought it was,
and it got shot,
uh, but in a weird way,
it turns out...
it might actually help
the whole situation going on in Darfur.
Sorry. Anyway--
[ Exhales ]
I'm-I'm glad
I made it here... Today.
Well, the last few years
have been--
They've been kind of rough
for our family.
Um--
- David--
- I know. Sorry.
Dad likes to fill holes
with lists.
That's what he does.
He writes lists of everything,
like lists of lists,
and I like to find rare birds, so I'm
not really one to talk, but...
It doesn't--
doesn't really work.
Which is why
I'm so glad he found Juliana.
Because I know my mom
really liked her...
and my dad
obviously likes her too.
That's all that matters.
And...
That's why
we're all here, right?
So...
I wish them a happy
and long life together.
Here's to dad and Juliana.
You were perfect.
[ Resumes ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Timmy whistling ]
So, does Eric know that we, like,
destroyed his engine?
[ Timmy ]
Uh, you know,
timing's not quite right.
Yeah, he's not
gonna be happy.
I got some serious shit on him that
I've been saving for a moment like this.
Got it.
- Think I'm gonna head home now.
- Yeah, me too.
[ Timmy ]
Good times!
Totally.
[ Peter ]
Bye.
[ Peter ] So how long should I wait
till I call Kim?
- What, you got her number?
- Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Why didn't you
tell me that, dude?
I should go too.
I guess.
So, weirdly enough,
I had a lot of fun this weekend.
So did I.
Peter gave me
his old pair.
They're not as good as yours,
but I'm kinda getting the--
Hi.
So, um... I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah. Okay.
Definitely.
Bye. -See ya. -Yeah. Bye.
[ Man ] It's too late now
to rush apart
Your aching heart
wasn't on fire
And if you drain
the fluid from
My screaming lungs,
I know I'll die
And it's hard to know
what's right
I need you tonight
You need me tonight
It's too late now
to hold on to the crutch
When you open arms
and open hearts
They never open much
If I drain the beauty from
Your beating blood,
I know I'll die
No
I never try to
But it's all been done
We'll hold on tight
I will hold onto you
And the feeling
of an empty love
While I hold onto you
And my Lord
I know it's true
[ Guitar ]
[ Man ] And I've been a-walkin'
down that road
And I can feel
the wind between my toes
The water, oh, so sweet
And I been thinkin'
maybe it's right
And I can finally
feel the things I love
Shiver when you talk
Do your lips feel all of
the things that mine do?
Do you feel that tingle
inside of your shoe?
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
And nothin's
Wrong
It's just love
And I've been hurt
and my heart's empty
Soakin' in it
That is tempting
But
That all floats away
And my heart's
been breakin'
Like a biscuit
You are the one
who can finally fix it
Will we both be okay?
Do you look at our hands
and see that they're creased
From a trembling Here
that cannot be released
Ee-ee-ee-eee
Nothing's
Wrong
It's just love
Nothing's
Wrong
It's just love
It's just
Love
Published 04/14/2014