A Chump at Oxford (1940) Movie Script
You'll have to get out here, fellas.
Thanks for the lift.
Goodbye!
- How about a lift, mister?
- Sure, jump on the back.
Thank you.
Are you all set?
OK, let her go.
What's the big idea?
What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?
Get back on, I was only kiddin'.
Well, it's a good thing you apologised.
- We sure did told him off, didn't I?
- Yeah.
This is it, fellas.
Thank you very much.
Ahhh.
What happened?
- Good morning.
- What can I do for you?
- Why, we'd like a job.
- What kind of employment do you prefer?
Anything you got, missus. We're down
to our last six bucks, aren't we, Ollie?
Well, kindly be seated,
I'll talk to you in a little while.
Hello?
Yes, Sterling Employment Agency.
Who?
Yes.
Oh, yes, I understand.
Good morning, Mrs Vandevere.
I'm in a terrible predicament.
I'm giving a party tonight
and my maid and butler have left me.
Could you send me a couple?
I haven't any on the list but I'll see
what I can do. A single or married couple?
- 'I'd prefer a married couple. '
- All right, I'll do my best.
Goodbye.
Too bad you wasn't a woman,
that'd be a swell job for us.
Pardon me, but did I hear you say
you were looking for a maid and butler?
- Yes, do you know of anyone?
- I know the perfect couple.
- Are they available?
- I can get them right away, if not sooner.
I'd appreciate it very much if you'd have
them go to this address immediately.
Come, Stanley.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Goodbye.
What's the idea?
We don't know any couple, do I?
You don't but I do.
Is that so?
Ah, very nice, my dear!
It's wonderful what you can do
when you have to.
Thank you, baldy, you're such a dear.
Er, what's the latest
on the maid and butler situation?
I haven't heard a thing
and I'm terribly worried.
Don't you worry. If the worst comes
to the worst, you can serve a buffet.
Oh, excuse me.
Are you the head butler?
I am Mr Vandevere.
Oh. We are from the employment agency.
Oh, yes.
We're the best they could do
at the last moment.
So I can see.
Well, come right in.
Thank you. Come, dear.
This way.
Oh, darling, this is the new maid and butler.
- Mrs Vandevere.
- How do you do, ma'am?
What a strange-looking person.
What do you expect on a few hours' notice?
If you'd have gone to the trouble we did
to get us the job...
What he means... SHE means is that this is
the best they could do upon short notice.
Never mind, dear.
Any old port in a storm, you know.
I suppose you're right. Call Pierre.
- What's your name?
- Er, my name is Ollie
and this is Agnes.
A slight accident.
Did you ring, madame?
Yes, Pierre.
This is the new maid and butler.
Show them to their quarters
and explain their duties.
Yes, madame.
Come, dear.
This way.
Well, well, well.
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
They're good.
No, thank you.
Ooh!
There's everything from soup to nuts, folks.
Come and get it!
What do I do now?
You can take these cocktails.
- What, all of them?
- Certainly!
See if you can do that without spilling them.
OK, boys, siddown.
Now, don't nobody eat till Mrs Vandevere
gets here. She went to change her dress.
Well, kid, how does she look?
Well, folks, the joke's on me!
I've got you all seated wrong -
the old guy wants you all mixed up.
I'll fix it. Say, you.
- Me?
- You come here. Bring your eats with you.
And you go over there.
Take your eats with you.
It's all right, don't get excited. I'll fix it.
You go over there. Take your eats with you.
You go over there
and take your food with you.
You go over there, take your food.
You come over here, and you go over there.
- Just a minute...
- Will you keep quiet? Quit interrupting.
You come over here,
bring your eats with you.
No, don't sit there. Over here.
Bring your eats with you.
- You go over there...
- Just a minute...
You'd better go siddown.
Come right here and siddown.
Right there.
No, no, no, don't sit there. You go
over there, and you go over there. Right.
- Come on, move fast.
- Don't you realise...?
Take it easy, old boy.
Oh, no, over there, please.
Take your eats with you.
You come over here.
No, no, don't sit there, please.
One of you boys go over there.
And you come right here.
No, you're on this seat right here.
If you'll just... That's it.
You go right around there.
Your food... You got it? That's it.
Siddown, will ya, Pop?
Pop?
And if you'll go right up there.
Right there and sit right there, that's it.
No, this side. Now, you sit right over there.
That's right.
Oh, no, no, no, over here, please.
You sit right there.
No, not you, the other one.
Now, you sit right there. You over there.
And you sit right there. Just a moment now.
You sit right there,
and you right here, little lady.
Now, if you'll come...
Stop! Everyone sit down
right where you are.
Agnes, will you please serve the salad?
Without any dressing.
- What kind of a joint is this?
- What's the matter?
He wants me to serve the salad undressed.
Well, if he wants it undressed,
that's the way he'll have it. Go get the salad.
What's the matter with Mr Vandevere?
Let me at 'em!
Where are they? Why, you...!
Hey, come here!
Come on!
Owwww!
I didn't mean it! I'm sorry, I tell you.
- I didn't have my glasses on.
- Why don't you be careful?
You almost blew my brains out.
Hey, lob me your broom.
Ow!
Well, here we are at last.
Right down in the gutter.
I wonder what's the matter with us.
We're just as good as other people
yet we don't seem to advance ourselves.
You know what the trouble is, don't you?
We never had no education,
that's what's the matter.
We're not illiterate enough.
- I guess you're right.
- Sure I'm right.
If we went to school like other people,
we would learn our three Rs,
and today there'd be no job too small for us,
believe me.
What do you mean, three Rs?
Well, reading, writing and...
and... figuring.
- Figuring?
- Sure.
You know - two and two make something
and four and four make something.
It's different to the first...
- You mean 'rithmetic.
- I knew what it meant
but I couldn't say it.
- I think you've got something there.
- Have I?
After we finish work today,
we'll start going to night school.
Good idea.
Too bad we didn't think of that before.
Thanks.
- Don't throw that on the sidewalk.
- Well, we're going to clean it up.
Thank you, officers, for your quick action.
Don't thank us, those are the boys
that made the capture.
Don't thank us, those are the boys
that made the capture.
My boys, you've done a service for me
that I can never forget.
You've saved me
hundreds of thousands of dollars.
- What can I do to repay you?
- I don't know, sir.
- I could give you some work in the bank.
- Oh, we wouldn't be of much help.
You see, we haven't got any education,
have we, Stan?
No, we don't know a thing, do we?
We were just talking
of going to night school.
I see. Diamonds in the rough.
Then all you need is a little polish
with the proper setting.
If it's an education you want, you shall have
the finest that money can buy.
- What do you think?
- What do you think?
- It'll save us the trouble of night school.
- It's a goal.
- Do you see what I see?
- What is it?
I think they're entitled to the royal initiation.
By all means.
Now, listen, you round up the boys
and we'll all have a lot of fun.
I'll start them off in the maze.
- So this is Oxford.
- Yes, I think we're going to like it here.
Pardon me, but haven't you come
to the wrong college?
- This is Oxford, isn't it?
- You're dressed for Eton.
Swell, we haven't eaten since breakfast.
"Haven't eaten since breakfast"!
You made us dress like this.
No wonder everyone's staring.
Well, gentlemen, if I can be of any help,
I'm entirely at your service.
Thank you very much.
Where do we find the head teacher?
Oh, you mean the dean?
I'll escort you there myself.
- Thank you.
- By the way, have you a pass?
- A pass?
- You must have a pass to see the dean.
- Where do we get it?
- From the pass professor.
- Where do we find him?
- You see that entrance in the hedge?
- Yes.
- When you enter there,
you go to the right, then to the left,
then to the right again, then right again.
Then, after you've been to the right,
you keep going right until the left turn.
Then you go right again
until you find yourself left on the right side.
- Hmm.
- I know it sounds complicated
but if you keep to the right,
you can't go wrong.
Now, then, when you come to the exit
on the other side of the hedge,
you'll see a sign
pointing to the professor's lodge.
- Is that to the right or the left?
- My dear old thing, it makes no difference.
Now, let me get this straight,
we go to the left when we... after the...
I have the directions, Stanley,
clearly in my mind.
Thank you very much, we'll be right back.
- Yes. Goodbye!
- Cheerio! I'll be waiting.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye! Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
- Cheerio! Toodle-oo!
- Gee, he sure is a swell guy.
- He certainly is.
- I knew it the minute I set eyes on him.
- You did?
One thing I pride myself on
is reading character.
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
No, no, no, to your left.
Now to your right.
Go left.
Now to the right.
Wait a minute.
All we're doing is going around in circles.
- You know what?
- What?
I think we must have taken
the wrong turning.
What do you mean, the wrong turning?
Maybe we went left instead of right.
Remember the fella said,
"First you turn to the right... "
All right. You go to the left, I'll go to the right.
Whoever finds the exit first,
comes back and gets the other one.
- That's a good idea.
- Now we're getting someplace.
What are we going to do about the trunk?
- Think we'd better leave it?
- Certainly not. We may never find it again.
I can't carry it, it's too heavy.
All right, I suppose it's up to me, as usual.
- I'm not as big as you are.
- Get it on my back.
I'm doing all I can to help you.
All right, slide it up.
Take it easy.
- Got it all right?
- It'll be all right when I get a grip on it.
- You want a grip on it?
- Yeah.
- There we are.
- Help me up.
Now, upsadaisy.
There we are.
All right.
- Don't forget to holler.
- I won't!
- Bye!
- Goodbye!
- You all right now? Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
Oh!
- Oh, Ollie!
- Where are you?
I'm here. Where are you?
- I'm here!
- How can you be here if I'm here?
Stan, I'm exactly where...
Will you come and find me?
I will as soon as I can find myself.
What do you think I am?
I can't be in two places at once.
- Here we are.
- Will you show me the exit?
- Here it is.
- Swell. Now get me out of here.
- Follow me, we'll take the short cut.
- All right.
- Don't lose me.
- I won't.
Hey, just a minute.
- What did you do with the suitcases?
- I put them on top of the trunk.
Have I been carrying these all the time?
Get this off of me.
Let's rest awhile, I'm tired.
I am too.
Give me my handkerchief.
Thank you, Ollie.
Will you leave that alone?
I thought you just gave it to me.
Now, cut that out.
Well, what's the matter now?
- I just saw three hands.
- Siddown. You're crazy.
You've been going around in circles all day
and you're dizzy.
- Is that what it is?
- You just had a dizzy spell.
- Ha!
- Now, let me get some rest, will you?
Never had one of those before.
Hey, Ollie.
I don't want to bother you but I've just had
another one of those dizzy spells.
No wonder - smoking those big black cigars,
they're too strong for you.
- Is that what it...?
- Certainly.
- Did you see that?
- Sure, it's one of those dizzy spells.
That wasn't no dizzy spell.
Go see what it was.
- I don't want to see what it was.
- Go see what it was and don't argue.
Hurry up. I'll wait right here for you.
Nope, nobody there.
Just one of those dizzy spells again.
Even you look different.
- Stan! Oh, Stan!
- What?
- Come on!
- OK, I'll...
- Don't leave me, Ollie.
- Give me your hand.
Well, can you beat that?
Welcome to Oxford!
- You know what?
- What?
That fellow that sent us in here
made a fool out of you.
Yes, and if I ever see him again
I'll punch him in the nose.
I don't blame you.
Say, I thought you said
you could read character.
- I can but he was two-faced.
- Oh.
- I'll never trust anybody as long as I live.
- That's a good idea.
Bring them to Johnson's quarters.
Everything's arranged.
Well? How do I look?
Marvellous. Much better
than the old dean himself.
- You think he'll recognise me with this?
- Never in a month of Sundays!
Hurry, fellas! Here comes Cecil
with the chumps.
Here we are.
This way, please.
Dean, may I present
the two new boys from America?
This is Dr Ramsbottom,
the dean of our university.
Pleased to meet you, Mr Dean.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Meet Professor Push-Ha'penny.
Dr Pigsfoot.
And his brother, Trotter.
Well, dear old things, heartiest
congratulations, and all that sort of thing,
on your entrance into dear old Oxford.
I hope that our association
will be a happy union.
We wish to show our hospitality,
true to the traditions of our college,
by giving you a most hearty
and royal greeting.
- Cheerio, I don't think.
- Thank you very much.
Now, is everything in readiness to escort
these gentlemen to their quarters?
Everything.
Then carry on.
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us! #
I shall be quite some time at the lecture,
Jenkins. You may take the afternoon off.
Thank you, sir, thank you. Goodbye, sir.
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# Which nobody does deny
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us
# And so say all of us,
and so say all of us
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us #
Well, gentlemen, these are your quarters.
Don't be afraid
to make yourselves at home. Ta-ta.
- Skip the gutter.
- And good luck, we don't think.
Say, that dean's a swell guy, ain't he?
- Now, there's a man that you can trust.
- He sure is.
Gee, this is a swell joint, I don't think.
- It's a pit.
- Lovely.
No wonder people go to school.
Nice place to live in like this.
No flies or nothing, and...
I wonder how long this place
has been open.
I wonder. You'd think they would advertise
to let people know it was on the map.
- Say, do you know what?
- What?
We didn't have any sleep last night.
That's right. In this excitement,
I completely forgot it.
Let's unpack the trunk
and make ourselves at home.
That's a good idea.
- Boy, is this the life.
- Mm-hm.
- English colleges give you the works.
- Don't they?
You should see what they've done
to the dean's bedroom.
Fix me another snort.
Hey, fellows! KV!
- Here comes the dean.
- The dean?
No, no, no, he's coming down the hall.
What shall we do?
Did you hear that?
- Sure. What is it?
- I don't know. Go see.
Nobody there,
it couldn't have been somebody.
- How about 40 winks?
- That's a good idea.
- Say, Ollie...
- What now?
How about a nightcap?
Well, just one.
- There's no fizz water.
- Well, get some.
There's no more nightcap.
Well, what would you do in a case like that?
- Go and get some.
- Certainly.
Simple.
Cheerio!
I don't think!
Ripping!
- Say, Ollie.
- What?
I wonder who that old buzzard is over there.
Some old cockroach that had this room
before we did.
Get a load of that puss.
Say, did you ever see a face like that
outside a zoo?
- Sure.
- Where?
In a monkey house.
I never thought of that!
Monkey house!
Give me some more fizz water. Mm!
I bet you a nickel I can hit him in the eye.
- Bet you can't.
- Bet you.
You missed!
Give me the bottle.
- Dime or nothing.
- All right, give you a chance to get even.
Now.
What are you doing in my quarters?
You've got a lot of nerve. They're
our quarters, the dean just give 'em to us.
- I am the dean!
- Read his character.
I just did, he's a phoney. It's another rib.
Sure, he's got ribs all over his face.
See them?
Get out of my quarters, I tell you!
Know what the trouble is?
He's got a dizzy spell.
- He's a Dizzy Dean.
- That's what he is.
Come on, Dizzy,
get out before I throw you out.
That goes for me too, Dizz.
- You can't...
- This is an outrage.
I'll have you sent down!
I'll have you prosecuted!
- Ow!
- There, sir!
And as for you, you'll suffer for this.
That's a lot of baloney.
There, sir!
- See here, of all the...
- Get out of here or we'll...
How dare you?
I'll tell him...
I shall speak to my...
- Jenkins!
- Come on, get out!
Lunatics at large!
And stay out!
- What is the meaning of this?
- You'll find out.
Deany, tell this nitwit to get out
and stop bothering us.
He's trying to crash in on our party.
- What is this all about?
- Hey, Dean, tell him.
Dean? I reiterate, I am the dean.
Aw, don't give us that. He told us he was
the dean and he gave us these quarters.
- Didn't he, Stan?
- He certainly did. Didn't you?
Is this true, Johnson?
Yes, sir.
- See? Don't you feel silly?
- Yeah, get out...
- See? Don't you feel silly?
- Yeah, get out...
Silence!
You shall be expelled,
sent down for this, my lad, all of you!
This is the most disgraceful outrage
ever perpetrated at Oxford.
Report to me in the morning. You may go.
Snitchers.
- Jenkins.
- Yes, sir.
Help them to pack their things and see that
they're taken to their proper quarters.
What will the pater say
when he hears I am to be expelled?
Don't worry. We'll see
they're not here tomorrow to testify.
- Snitchers have no place in Oxford.
- You're right.
The dirty dogs!
That's one thing we won't tolerate
in Oxford - snitching!
That's right.
Here you are, gentlemen,
these are your quarters.
Meredith the valet will be here shortly
to attend to your needs.
- Good afternoon.
- Goodbye.
Well, so far so good.
- Can you beat that?
- What?
Look - we're only that far from home.
It says on the...
Come in.
How do you do, gentlemen? I'm Meredith.
I'm Mr Hardy. This is my friend, Mr Laurel.
How do you do, Mr Hardy? Mr Lau...
Your Lordship!
Don't you remember me, sir? I'm Meredith.
Don't you recall?
I used to take care of you, sir.
Look out, another rib.
Say, that's a lot of hooey.
- You never saw him before in your life.
- And I never saw you either.
Pardon me. I understand, Your Lordship,
why you don't recognise me.
Oh, it's a pity, it's a pity.
- What's a pity?
- Oh, it's a sad story, sir.
It was a great blow to Oxford.
You see, it's like this, sir -
when His Lordship was here before,
he was the greatest athlete and scholar
this university ever boasted of.
And oh, what a brilliant mind.
Are you trying to make me believe
that this is the guy you're talking about?
I know it. I was never so sure in my life.
Brilliant mind...
Well, I've known him for years
and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw.
- Aren't you, Stanley?
- I certainly am.
- That's why I'm here.
- Pardon me, sir, you don't understand.
I can recall your accident most vividly.
- What accident?
- It happened in this very room.
It was right here, at this very window.
Your Lordship had just defeated Cambridge
and you were acknowledging the plaudits
of the student body.
Just as I came in with your tea
and crumpets, the window slipped
and hit you on the head
as hard as a heavy hammer.
When you came to, you'd lost your memory
and wandered away from the university.
We never saw or heard of you
from that day to this.
Pardon me for being frank
but I think that you are screwy.
He's got bees in his cockpit,
that's what's the matter with him.
Oh, if I could only bring your memory back.
Maybe some of your peculiar mannerisms
may show up.
What mannerisms?
Your Lordship had a most outstanding one.
- Did I?
- Mmm! When you got very angry,
you'd wiggle your ears
in a most extraordinary manner
and you'd fight like a demon.
Fight like a demon... Wiggle your ears.
- What?
- Wiggle your ears.
- I can't wiggle my ears.
- Of course you can't.
- Of course I can't.
- Now stop this kidding!
Very good, sir.
Don't want to hear... Say, why don't you
read his character? Maybe he's right.
- Maybe I am a lordship.
- You, a lordship!
"And we're only this far from home"!
Well, I knew a fella once
that lost his memory and he's better now.
You see...
Fee, fi, fo, fum
We want the blood of an American
- Be he alive or be he dead...
- What's that?
- I don't know.
- We'll crush his bones to make our bread
Fee, fi, fo, fum
We'll beat those Yankees like a drum
- I wonder what this is all about.
- That's their chant of revenge.
Some gentleman must have violated
the ethics of the student body.
When that happens, oh!
They're never satisfied
until they've hounded the guilty one out.
We'll cut their throats
and take out their tongues
We'll chew them up like chewing gum
Fee, fi, fo...
- Look, they're pointing at us.
- Don't worry, it's another rib.
Oh, no, sir. They never jest
in a case like this.
We'll send them back
where they came from
Fee, fi, fo, fum...
We'll go up and make them jump
out of the window,
or we'll take off their breeches
and throw them out!
Fetch a blanket, chaps.
- Fee, fi, fo, fum...
- They mean us all right!
We want the blood of an American
Be he alive or be he dead
Where can we hide?
Climb out the window, sir,
along the ledge through to the next study.
Say, Ollie, what about the trunk?
Never mind the trunk!
Oh, oh.
Gracious, Meredith,
can't you fix that?
- Hit me right on the cranium.
- Your Lordship!
You've got your memory back.
You know me!
What are you talking about?
Course I know you.
- Where's my tea and crumpets? Hurry!
- Oh, it's a miracle! A miracle!
Are you barmy?
- See who that is. Stop annoying me.
- Yes, my lord.
Must be losing his memory.
Silly old bounder.
There's one of them.
What is the meaning
of this vulgar intrusion?
We're going to take off your breeches
and run you out of Oxford.
Take off my breeches?
In the presence of Meredith?
Yes, you dirty snitcher!
Repeat that remark again.
Dirty snitcher!
- Meredith, hold my handkerchief.
- Yes, my lord.
Now, I demand an immediate apology.
An apology?
I'll give you an apology!
The dean!
Ohhhhh!
Oooh! Oh!
Wonderful, Your Lordship, wonderful.
Right back to your old form again.
Did me heart good to see you carry on.
- Didn't half put it across 'em.
- Don't annoy me, Meredith.
Get this place cleaned up,
and hurry with my tea and crumpets.
I'm starved, really.
What's the big idea, throwing me out?
I beg your pardon! Meredith, who is this
coarse person with the foreign accent?
Why, you little shrimp!
Are you trying to rib me now?
Careful, sir, be careful.
His Lordship's regained his memory.
Don't annoy him, sir,
or he may again become violent.
- It's on the level, then?
- Yes, sir.
Well, congratulations.
I'm sorry but, er,
we've never been introduced.
Meredith, will you kindly officiate?
Mr Hardy, meet Lord Paddington.
How do you do?
What is the nature of your business here?
Why, Stan, don't you know me?
Know you? Why, I never saw you before
in all my life.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you remember?
- We used to sweep the streets together!
- Sweep the... How dare you!
How dare you make such slurring remarks!
Meredith, show this common person
the egress and eject him forcibly.
- This way, sir.
- Wait a minute!
I don't know what you're talking about
but this has gone far enough.
- I'm gonna mop the floor up with you!
- Have a care.
Wiggling your ears ain't gonna stop me.
Ow!
Come in.
- Good morning, Fatty.
- Good morning, Your Lordship.
- Thank you.
- Tea, Your Lordship.
The dean wishes to speak with you,
Your Lordship.
Oh, come right in.
You may remain here, Fatty.
Good morning.
Would you care to join me in a spot of tea?
No, thanks.
Don't stand there, get a chair for the dean.
Pardon my valet being so horribly stupid.
He's not quite broken in yet.
Rather thick, as it were.
- Why do you tolerate him?
- I don't know.
He's got a jolly old face, you know.
Breaks the monotony and, er,
helps to fill up the, er, room and, er...
Besides, he's something to talk to.
I quite understand, Your Lordship.
A thousand congratulations
for all your wonderful accomplishments
since your return.
Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
Might I presume to ask you a favour?
Why, certainly.
Professor Einstein has just arrived
from Princeton
- and he's a bit confused about his theory.
- You don't say.
He wondered if you could
straighten him out.
- It would be a pleasure.
- When could you give him a few moments?
Let me see, er... Oh, Fatty?
Hand me my memorandum.
Let me see now. Monday...
Tuesday. And, er...
Suppose we make it Ash Wednesday.
Thank you, Your Lordship.
The professor will be so very grateful.
That's perfectly all right. Incidentally -
invite him to have lunch with me.
- I'm having pancakes.
- Thank you, Your Lordship, thank you.
Thank you, Fatty.
Take it.
Gracious, Fatty, what is this? Senna tea?
Take this stuff away immediately.
Don't let it occur again. My goodness.
Hmph.
If it wasn't for that bump on the head,
he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein.
Er, by the way, er, Fatty.
I've noticed lately
- that you're getting terribly sloven.
- How do you mean, sir?
You don't seem to have the dignity
becoming of a lackey.
Er, no poise, you don't walk right,
or something.
Let me see. Er, pull in your stomach.
That's better. Throw your shoulders back.
That's right. Now chin up, chin up.
No, no, no, both of them.
There, that's better.
Now walk around. Let me see you.
Step into it, make it brisker.
Brisker! Now, chins up!
Now look what you've done, clumsy.
I've had enough! When I knew you,
I had more brains in my little finger
than you had in your whole carcass,
even with your overcoat on!
You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, Fatty.
- You bet, and don't call me Fatty!
- Don't get excited.
Who's excited? I'm through!
Take your lordships, your Oxford
and your Paddingtons
and do what you like with 'em!
- I've never been so humiliated...
- Really, old dear.
Not intentional, really...
There's one more thing too!
I didn't like that double chin crack!
- Well, I...
- Ah!
My goodness!
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
which nobody does deny
# Which nobody does deny #
Never been so humiliated!
I'm gonna get my clothes
and catch the first boat back.
And another thing, and furthermore,
get another boy!
Goodbye!
- Hey, Ollie...
- What?!
- Where you going?
- Back to America for me.
Hey, Ollie!
Ollie!
Aren't you going to take me?
Stan! You know me!
Of course I know you.
Have you got one of those dizzy spells?
Thanks for the lift.
Goodbye!
- How about a lift, mister?
- Sure, jump on the back.
Thank you.
Are you all set?
OK, let her go.
What's the big idea?
What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?
Get back on, I was only kiddin'.
Well, it's a good thing you apologised.
- We sure did told him off, didn't I?
- Yeah.
This is it, fellas.
Thank you very much.
Ahhh.
What happened?
- Good morning.
- What can I do for you?
- Why, we'd like a job.
- What kind of employment do you prefer?
Anything you got, missus. We're down
to our last six bucks, aren't we, Ollie?
Well, kindly be seated,
I'll talk to you in a little while.
Hello?
Yes, Sterling Employment Agency.
Who?
Yes.
Oh, yes, I understand.
Good morning, Mrs Vandevere.
I'm in a terrible predicament.
I'm giving a party tonight
and my maid and butler have left me.
Could you send me a couple?
I haven't any on the list but I'll see
what I can do. A single or married couple?
- 'I'd prefer a married couple. '
- All right, I'll do my best.
Goodbye.
Too bad you wasn't a woman,
that'd be a swell job for us.
Pardon me, but did I hear you say
you were looking for a maid and butler?
- Yes, do you know of anyone?
- I know the perfect couple.
- Are they available?
- I can get them right away, if not sooner.
I'd appreciate it very much if you'd have
them go to this address immediately.
Come, Stanley.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Goodbye.
What's the idea?
We don't know any couple, do I?
You don't but I do.
Is that so?
Ah, very nice, my dear!
It's wonderful what you can do
when you have to.
Thank you, baldy, you're such a dear.
Er, what's the latest
on the maid and butler situation?
I haven't heard a thing
and I'm terribly worried.
Don't you worry. If the worst comes
to the worst, you can serve a buffet.
Oh, excuse me.
Are you the head butler?
I am Mr Vandevere.
Oh. We are from the employment agency.
Oh, yes.
We're the best they could do
at the last moment.
So I can see.
Well, come right in.
Thank you. Come, dear.
This way.
Oh, darling, this is the new maid and butler.
- Mrs Vandevere.
- How do you do, ma'am?
What a strange-looking person.
What do you expect on a few hours' notice?
If you'd have gone to the trouble we did
to get us the job...
What he means... SHE means is that this is
the best they could do upon short notice.
Never mind, dear.
Any old port in a storm, you know.
I suppose you're right. Call Pierre.
- What's your name?
- Er, my name is Ollie
and this is Agnes.
A slight accident.
Did you ring, madame?
Yes, Pierre.
This is the new maid and butler.
Show them to their quarters
and explain their duties.
Yes, madame.
Come, dear.
This way.
Well, well, well.
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
They're good.
No, thank you.
Ooh!
There's everything from soup to nuts, folks.
Come and get it!
What do I do now?
You can take these cocktails.
- What, all of them?
- Certainly!
See if you can do that without spilling them.
OK, boys, siddown.
Now, don't nobody eat till Mrs Vandevere
gets here. She went to change her dress.
Well, kid, how does she look?
Well, folks, the joke's on me!
I've got you all seated wrong -
the old guy wants you all mixed up.
I'll fix it. Say, you.
- Me?
- You come here. Bring your eats with you.
And you go over there.
Take your eats with you.
It's all right, don't get excited. I'll fix it.
You go over there. Take your eats with you.
You go over there
and take your food with you.
You go over there, take your food.
You come over here, and you go over there.
- Just a minute...
- Will you keep quiet? Quit interrupting.
You come over here,
bring your eats with you.
No, don't sit there. Over here.
Bring your eats with you.
- You go over there...
- Just a minute...
You'd better go siddown.
Come right here and siddown.
Right there.
No, no, no, don't sit there. You go
over there, and you go over there. Right.
- Come on, move fast.
- Don't you realise...?
Take it easy, old boy.
Oh, no, over there, please.
Take your eats with you.
You come over here.
No, no, don't sit there, please.
One of you boys go over there.
And you come right here.
No, you're on this seat right here.
If you'll just... That's it.
You go right around there.
Your food... You got it? That's it.
Siddown, will ya, Pop?
Pop?
And if you'll go right up there.
Right there and sit right there, that's it.
No, this side. Now, you sit right over there.
That's right.
Oh, no, no, no, over here, please.
You sit right there.
No, not you, the other one.
Now, you sit right there. You over there.
And you sit right there. Just a moment now.
You sit right there,
and you right here, little lady.
Now, if you'll come...
Stop! Everyone sit down
right where you are.
Agnes, will you please serve the salad?
Without any dressing.
- What kind of a joint is this?
- What's the matter?
He wants me to serve the salad undressed.
Well, if he wants it undressed,
that's the way he'll have it. Go get the salad.
What's the matter with Mr Vandevere?
Let me at 'em!
Where are they? Why, you...!
Hey, come here!
Come on!
Owwww!
I didn't mean it! I'm sorry, I tell you.
- I didn't have my glasses on.
- Why don't you be careful?
You almost blew my brains out.
Hey, lob me your broom.
Ow!
Well, here we are at last.
Right down in the gutter.
I wonder what's the matter with us.
We're just as good as other people
yet we don't seem to advance ourselves.
You know what the trouble is, don't you?
We never had no education,
that's what's the matter.
We're not illiterate enough.
- I guess you're right.
- Sure I'm right.
If we went to school like other people,
we would learn our three Rs,
and today there'd be no job too small for us,
believe me.
What do you mean, three Rs?
Well, reading, writing and...
and... figuring.
- Figuring?
- Sure.
You know - two and two make something
and four and four make something.
It's different to the first...
- You mean 'rithmetic.
- I knew what it meant
but I couldn't say it.
- I think you've got something there.
- Have I?
After we finish work today,
we'll start going to night school.
Good idea.
Too bad we didn't think of that before.
Thanks.
- Don't throw that on the sidewalk.
- Well, we're going to clean it up.
Thank you, officers, for your quick action.
Don't thank us, those are the boys
that made the capture.
Don't thank us, those are the boys
that made the capture.
My boys, you've done a service for me
that I can never forget.
You've saved me
hundreds of thousands of dollars.
- What can I do to repay you?
- I don't know, sir.
- I could give you some work in the bank.
- Oh, we wouldn't be of much help.
You see, we haven't got any education,
have we, Stan?
No, we don't know a thing, do we?
We were just talking
of going to night school.
I see. Diamonds in the rough.
Then all you need is a little polish
with the proper setting.
If it's an education you want, you shall have
the finest that money can buy.
- What do you think?
- What do you think?
- It'll save us the trouble of night school.
- It's a goal.
- Do you see what I see?
- What is it?
I think they're entitled to the royal initiation.
By all means.
Now, listen, you round up the boys
and we'll all have a lot of fun.
I'll start them off in the maze.
- So this is Oxford.
- Yes, I think we're going to like it here.
Pardon me, but haven't you come
to the wrong college?
- This is Oxford, isn't it?
- You're dressed for Eton.
Swell, we haven't eaten since breakfast.
"Haven't eaten since breakfast"!
You made us dress like this.
No wonder everyone's staring.
Well, gentlemen, if I can be of any help,
I'm entirely at your service.
Thank you very much.
Where do we find the head teacher?
Oh, you mean the dean?
I'll escort you there myself.
- Thank you.
- By the way, have you a pass?
- A pass?
- You must have a pass to see the dean.
- Where do we get it?
- From the pass professor.
- Where do we find him?
- You see that entrance in the hedge?
- Yes.
- When you enter there,
you go to the right, then to the left,
then to the right again, then right again.
Then, after you've been to the right,
you keep going right until the left turn.
Then you go right again
until you find yourself left on the right side.
- Hmm.
- I know it sounds complicated
but if you keep to the right,
you can't go wrong.
Now, then, when you come to the exit
on the other side of the hedge,
you'll see a sign
pointing to the professor's lodge.
- Is that to the right or the left?
- My dear old thing, it makes no difference.
Now, let me get this straight,
we go to the left when we... after the...
I have the directions, Stanley,
clearly in my mind.
Thank you very much, we'll be right back.
- Yes. Goodbye!
- Cheerio! I'll be waiting.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye! Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
- Cheerio! Toodle-oo!
- Gee, he sure is a swell guy.
- He certainly is.
- I knew it the minute I set eyes on him.
- You did?
One thing I pride myself on
is reading character.
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
No, no, no, to your left.
Now to your right.
Go left.
Now to the right.
Wait a minute.
All we're doing is going around in circles.
- You know what?
- What?
I think we must have taken
the wrong turning.
What do you mean, the wrong turning?
Maybe we went left instead of right.
Remember the fella said,
"First you turn to the right... "
All right. You go to the left, I'll go to the right.
Whoever finds the exit first,
comes back and gets the other one.
- That's a good idea.
- Now we're getting someplace.
What are we going to do about the trunk?
- Think we'd better leave it?
- Certainly not. We may never find it again.
I can't carry it, it's too heavy.
All right, I suppose it's up to me, as usual.
- I'm not as big as you are.
- Get it on my back.
I'm doing all I can to help you.
All right, slide it up.
Take it easy.
- Got it all right?
- It'll be all right when I get a grip on it.
- You want a grip on it?
- Yeah.
- There we are.
- Help me up.
Now, upsadaisy.
There we are.
All right.
- Don't forget to holler.
- I won't!
- Bye!
- Goodbye!
- You all right now? Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
Oh!
- Oh, Ollie!
- Where are you?
I'm here. Where are you?
- I'm here!
- How can you be here if I'm here?
Stan, I'm exactly where...
Will you come and find me?
I will as soon as I can find myself.
What do you think I am?
I can't be in two places at once.
- Here we are.
- Will you show me the exit?
- Here it is.
- Swell. Now get me out of here.
- Follow me, we'll take the short cut.
- All right.
- Don't lose me.
- I won't.
Hey, just a minute.
- What did you do with the suitcases?
- I put them on top of the trunk.
Have I been carrying these all the time?
Get this off of me.
Let's rest awhile, I'm tired.
I am too.
Give me my handkerchief.
Thank you, Ollie.
Will you leave that alone?
I thought you just gave it to me.
Now, cut that out.
Well, what's the matter now?
- I just saw three hands.
- Siddown. You're crazy.
You've been going around in circles all day
and you're dizzy.
- Is that what it is?
- You just had a dizzy spell.
- Ha!
- Now, let me get some rest, will you?
Never had one of those before.
Hey, Ollie.
I don't want to bother you but I've just had
another one of those dizzy spells.
No wonder - smoking those big black cigars,
they're too strong for you.
- Is that what it...?
- Certainly.
- Did you see that?
- Sure, it's one of those dizzy spells.
That wasn't no dizzy spell.
Go see what it was.
- I don't want to see what it was.
- Go see what it was and don't argue.
Hurry up. I'll wait right here for you.
Nope, nobody there.
Just one of those dizzy spells again.
Even you look different.
- Stan! Oh, Stan!
- What?
- Come on!
- OK, I'll...
- Don't leave me, Ollie.
- Give me your hand.
Well, can you beat that?
Welcome to Oxford!
- You know what?
- What?
That fellow that sent us in here
made a fool out of you.
Yes, and if I ever see him again
I'll punch him in the nose.
I don't blame you.
Say, I thought you said
you could read character.
- I can but he was two-faced.
- Oh.
- I'll never trust anybody as long as I live.
- That's a good idea.
Bring them to Johnson's quarters.
Everything's arranged.
Well? How do I look?
Marvellous. Much better
than the old dean himself.
- You think he'll recognise me with this?
- Never in a month of Sundays!
Hurry, fellas! Here comes Cecil
with the chumps.
Here we are.
This way, please.
Dean, may I present
the two new boys from America?
This is Dr Ramsbottom,
the dean of our university.
Pleased to meet you, Mr Dean.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Meet Professor Push-Ha'penny.
Dr Pigsfoot.
And his brother, Trotter.
Well, dear old things, heartiest
congratulations, and all that sort of thing,
on your entrance into dear old Oxford.
I hope that our association
will be a happy union.
We wish to show our hospitality,
true to the traditions of our college,
by giving you a most hearty
and royal greeting.
- Cheerio, I don't think.
- Thank you very much.
Now, is everything in readiness to escort
these gentlemen to their quarters?
Everything.
Then carry on.
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us! #
I shall be quite some time at the lecture,
Jenkins. You may take the afternoon off.
Thank you, sir, thank you. Goodbye, sir.
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# Which nobody does deny
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us
# And so say all of us,
and so say all of us
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us #
Well, gentlemen, these are your quarters.
Don't be afraid
to make yourselves at home. Ta-ta.
- Skip the gutter.
- And good luck, we don't think.
Say, that dean's a swell guy, ain't he?
- Now, there's a man that you can trust.
- He sure is.
Gee, this is a swell joint, I don't think.
- It's a pit.
- Lovely.
No wonder people go to school.
Nice place to live in like this.
No flies or nothing, and...
I wonder how long this place
has been open.
I wonder. You'd think they would advertise
to let people know it was on the map.
- Say, do you know what?
- What?
We didn't have any sleep last night.
That's right. In this excitement,
I completely forgot it.
Let's unpack the trunk
and make ourselves at home.
That's a good idea.
- Boy, is this the life.
- Mm-hm.
- English colleges give you the works.
- Don't they?
You should see what they've done
to the dean's bedroom.
Fix me another snort.
Hey, fellows! KV!
- Here comes the dean.
- The dean?
No, no, no, he's coming down the hall.
What shall we do?
Did you hear that?
- Sure. What is it?
- I don't know. Go see.
Nobody there,
it couldn't have been somebody.
- How about 40 winks?
- That's a good idea.
- Say, Ollie...
- What now?
How about a nightcap?
Well, just one.
- There's no fizz water.
- Well, get some.
There's no more nightcap.
Well, what would you do in a case like that?
- Go and get some.
- Certainly.
Simple.
Cheerio!
I don't think!
Ripping!
- Say, Ollie.
- What?
I wonder who that old buzzard is over there.
Some old cockroach that had this room
before we did.
Get a load of that puss.
Say, did you ever see a face like that
outside a zoo?
- Sure.
- Where?
In a monkey house.
I never thought of that!
Monkey house!
Give me some more fizz water. Mm!
I bet you a nickel I can hit him in the eye.
- Bet you can't.
- Bet you.
You missed!
Give me the bottle.
- Dime or nothing.
- All right, give you a chance to get even.
Now.
What are you doing in my quarters?
You've got a lot of nerve. They're
our quarters, the dean just give 'em to us.
- I am the dean!
- Read his character.
I just did, he's a phoney. It's another rib.
Sure, he's got ribs all over his face.
See them?
Get out of my quarters, I tell you!
Know what the trouble is?
He's got a dizzy spell.
- He's a Dizzy Dean.
- That's what he is.
Come on, Dizzy,
get out before I throw you out.
That goes for me too, Dizz.
- You can't...
- This is an outrage.
I'll have you sent down!
I'll have you prosecuted!
- Ow!
- There, sir!
And as for you, you'll suffer for this.
That's a lot of baloney.
There, sir!
- See here, of all the...
- Get out of here or we'll...
How dare you?
I'll tell him...
I shall speak to my...
- Jenkins!
- Come on, get out!
Lunatics at large!
And stay out!
- What is the meaning of this?
- You'll find out.
Deany, tell this nitwit to get out
and stop bothering us.
He's trying to crash in on our party.
- What is this all about?
- Hey, Dean, tell him.
Dean? I reiterate, I am the dean.
Aw, don't give us that. He told us he was
the dean and he gave us these quarters.
- Didn't he, Stan?
- He certainly did. Didn't you?
Is this true, Johnson?
Yes, sir.
- See? Don't you feel silly?
- Yeah, get out...
- See? Don't you feel silly?
- Yeah, get out...
Silence!
You shall be expelled,
sent down for this, my lad, all of you!
This is the most disgraceful outrage
ever perpetrated at Oxford.
Report to me in the morning. You may go.
Snitchers.
- Jenkins.
- Yes, sir.
Help them to pack their things and see that
they're taken to their proper quarters.
What will the pater say
when he hears I am to be expelled?
Don't worry. We'll see
they're not here tomorrow to testify.
- Snitchers have no place in Oxford.
- You're right.
The dirty dogs!
That's one thing we won't tolerate
in Oxford - snitching!
That's right.
Here you are, gentlemen,
these are your quarters.
Meredith the valet will be here shortly
to attend to your needs.
- Good afternoon.
- Goodbye.
Well, so far so good.
- Can you beat that?
- What?
Look - we're only that far from home.
It says on the...
Come in.
How do you do, gentlemen? I'm Meredith.
I'm Mr Hardy. This is my friend, Mr Laurel.
How do you do, Mr Hardy? Mr Lau...
Your Lordship!
Don't you remember me, sir? I'm Meredith.
Don't you recall?
I used to take care of you, sir.
Look out, another rib.
Say, that's a lot of hooey.
- You never saw him before in your life.
- And I never saw you either.
Pardon me. I understand, Your Lordship,
why you don't recognise me.
Oh, it's a pity, it's a pity.
- What's a pity?
- Oh, it's a sad story, sir.
It was a great blow to Oxford.
You see, it's like this, sir -
when His Lordship was here before,
he was the greatest athlete and scholar
this university ever boasted of.
And oh, what a brilliant mind.
Are you trying to make me believe
that this is the guy you're talking about?
I know it. I was never so sure in my life.
Brilliant mind...
Well, I've known him for years
and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw.
- Aren't you, Stanley?
- I certainly am.
- That's why I'm here.
- Pardon me, sir, you don't understand.
I can recall your accident most vividly.
- What accident?
- It happened in this very room.
It was right here, at this very window.
Your Lordship had just defeated Cambridge
and you were acknowledging the plaudits
of the student body.
Just as I came in with your tea
and crumpets, the window slipped
and hit you on the head
as hard as a heavy hammer.
When you came to, you'd lost your memory
and wandered away from the university.
We never saw or heard of you
from that day to this.
Pardon me for being frank
but I think that you are screwy.
He's got bees in his cockpit,
that's what's the matter with him.
Oh, if I could only bring your memory back.
Maybe some of your peculiar mannerisms
may show up.
What mannerisms?
Your Lordship had a most outstanding one.
- Did I?
- Mmm! When you got very angry,
you'd wiggle your ears
in a most extraordinary manner
and you'd fight like a demon.
Fight like a demon... Wiggle your ears.
- What?
- Wiggle your ears.
- I can't wiggle my ears.
- Of course you can't.
- Of course I can't.
- Now stop this kidding!
Very good, sir.
Don't want to hear... Say, why don't you
read his character? Maybe he's right.
- Maybe I am a lordship.
- You, a lordship!
"And we're only this far from home"!
Well, I knew a fella once
that lost his memory and he's better now.
You see...
Fee, fi, fo, fum
We want the blood of an American
- Be he alive or be he dead...
- What's that?
- I don't know.
- We'll crush his bones to make our bread
Fee, fi, fo, fum
We'll beat those Yankees like a drum
- I wonder what this is all about.
- That's their chant of revenge.
Some gentleman must have violated
the ethics of the student body.
When that happens, oh!
They're never satisfied
until they've hounded the guilty one out.
We'll cut their throats
and take out their tongues
We'll chew them up like chewing gum
Fee, fi, fo...
- Look, they're pointing at us.
- Don't worry, it's another rib.
Oh, no, sir. They never jest
in a case like this.
We'll send them back
where they came from
Fee, fi, fo, fum...
We'll go up and make them jump
out of the window,
or we'll take off their breeches
and throw them out!
Fetch a blanket, chaps.
- Fee, fi, fo, fum...
- They mean us all right!
We want the blood of an American
Be he alive or be he dead
Where can we hide?
Climb out the window, sir,
along the ledge through to the next study.
Say, Ollie, what about the trunk?
Never mind the trunk!
Oh, oh.
Gracious, Meredith,
can't you fix that?
- Hit me right on the cranium.
- Your Lordship!
You've got your memory back.
You know me!
What are you talking about?
Course I know you.
- Where's my tea and crumpets? Hurry!
- Oh, it's a miracle! A miracle!
Are you barmy?
- See who that is. Stop annoying me.
- Yes, my lord.
Must be losing his memory.
Silly old bounder.
There's one of them.
What is the meaning
of this vulgar intrusion?
We're going to take off your breeches
and run you out of Oxford.
Take off my breeches?
In the presence of Meredith?
Yes, you dirty snitcher!
Repeat that remark again.
Dirty snitcher!
- Meredith, hold my handkerchief.
- Yes, my lord.
Now, I demand an immediate apology.
An apology?
I'll give you an apology!
The dean!
Ohhhhh!
Oooh! Oh!
Wonderful, Your Lordship, wonderful.
Right back to your old form again.
Did me heart good to see you carry on.
- Didn't half put it across 'em.
- Don't annoy me, Meredith.
Get this place cleaned up,
and hurry with my tea and crumpets.
I'm starved, really.
What's the big idea, throwing me out?
I beg your pardon! Meredith, who is this
coarse person with the foreign accent?
Why, you little shrimp!
Are you trying to rib me now?
Careful, sir, be careful.
His Lordship's regained his memory.
Don't annoy him, sir,
or he may again become violent.
- It's on the level, then?
- Yes, sir.
Well, congratulations.
I'm sorry but, er,
we've never been introduced.
Meredith, will you kindly officiate?
Mr Hardy, meet Lord Paddington.
How do you do?
What is the nature of your business here?
Why, Stan, don't you know me?
Know you? Why, I never saw you before
in all my life.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you remember?
- We used to sweep the streets together!
- Sweep the... How dare you!
How dare you make such slurring remarks!
Meredith, show this common person
the egress and eject him forcibly.
- This way, sir.
- Wait a minute!
I don't know what you're talking about
but this has gone far enough.
- I'm gonna mop the floor up with you!
- Have a care.
Wiggling your ears ain't gonna stop me.
Ow!
Come in.
- Good morning, Fatty.
- Good morning, Your Lordship.
- Thank you.
- Tea, Your Lordship.
The dean wishes to speak with you,
Your Lordship.
Oh, come right in.
You may remain here, Fatty.
Good morning.
Would you care to join me in a spot of tea?
No, thanks.
Don't stand there, get a chair for the dean.
Pardon my valet being so horribly stupid.
He's not quite broken in yet.
Rather thick, as it were.
- Why do you tolerate him?
- I don't know.
He's got a jolly old face, you know.
Breaks the monotony and, er,
helps to fill up the, er, room and, er...
Besides, he's something to talk to.
I quite understand, Your Lordship.
A thousand congratulations
for all your wonderful accomplishments
since your return.
Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
Might I presume to ask you a favour?
Why, certainly.
Professor Einstein has just arrived
from Princeton
- and he's a bit confused about his theory.
- You don't say.
He wondered if you could
straighten him out.
- It would be a pleasure.
- When could you give him a few moments?
Let me see, er... Oh, Fatty?
Hand me my memorandum.
Let me see now. Monday...
Tuesday. And, er...
Suppose we make it Ash Wednesday.
Thank you, Your Lordship.
The professor will be so very grateful.
That's perfectly all right. Incidentally -
invite him to have lunch with me.
- I'm having pancakes.
- Thank you, Your Lordship, thank you.
Thank you, Fatty.
Take it.
Gracious, Fatty, what is this? Senna tea?
Take this stuff away immediately.
Don't let it occur again. My goodness.
Hmph.
If it wasn't for that bump on the head,
he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein.
Er, by the way, er, Fatty.
I've noticed lately
- that you're getting terribly sloven.
- How do you mean, sir?
You don't seem to have the dignity
becoming of a lackey.
Er, no poise, you don't walk right,
or something.
Let me see. Er, pull in your stomach.
That's better. Throw your shoulders back.
That's right. Now chin up, chin up.
No, no, no, both of them.
There, that's better.
Now walk around. Let me see you.
Step into it, make it brisker.
Brisker! Now, chins up!
Now look what you've done, clumsy.
I've had enough! When I knew you,
I had more brains in my little finger
than you had in your whole carcass,
even with your overcoat on!
You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, Fatty.
- You bet, and don't call me Fatty!
- Don't get excited.
Who's excited? I'm through!
Take your lordships, your Oxford
and your Paddingtons
and do what you like with 'em!
- I've never been so humiliated...
- Really, old dear.
Not intentional, really...
There's one more thing too!
I didn't like that double chin crack!
- Well, I...
- Ah!
My goodness!
# For he's a jolly good fellow,
which nobody does deny
# Which nobody does deny #
Never been so humiliated!
I'm gonna get my clothes
and catch the first boat back.
And another thing, and furthermore,
get another boy!
Goodbye!
- Hey, Ollie...
- What?!
- Where you going?
- Back to America for me.
Hey, Ollie!
Ollie!
Aren't you going to take me?
Stan! You know me!
Of course I know you.
Have you got one of those dizzy spells?