Caddyshack II (1988) Movie Script
Did you guys hear
what happened to Mary Ellen Tobin?
Total humiliation.
She found out that her boyfriend
is part Italian.
I bet I know which part, too.
I've always wondered.
What are you, Kate?
Me?
Erm, we're New Yorkers, originally.
Well, Miffy tells me that the two of you
room together at Radcliffe.
Five iron.
I was at Harvard Law.
I'm very surprised we never met.
Well, I just transferred last year
from Michigan.
I knew someone
who once went to Michigan.
I think it was our maid.
Kate, I am just kidding.
- Outstanding.
- Marvellous.
Marvellously outstanding.
Kate.
Caddy, could you please run
and get me a diet root beer?
Er... The nearest soda machine
is way back at the snack bar.
Er, yeah,
I know where the soda machine is.
Snotty little bitch.
I may never come back.
I know you thlnk
I'm no match for you, baby
You Ilke makln'It rough on me
don't ya?
My, my
Back to the shack
Huh, huh, yeah
And nothlng sults me better than that
If tlme has taught me anythlng
Got to learn to be the ball
And I can't keep
from laughlng at It all
I'm gonna laugh
I'm golng all the way
Sooner or later gotta love somebody
Don't care how long It takes
You can turn up the heat
But I'm playlng It cool
I know It's hard to belleve
I aln't nobody's fool
- I'm golng all the way
- All the way
- Sooner or later gotta love somebody
- I don't care
Don't care how long It takes...
Ah, good morning, Mr and Mrs Mannings.
I've not gone to school
Baby, Ilke It or not
I aln't nobody's fool
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Yeah.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Pardon me. No, no!
My halluclnatlon
May come as some surprlse
You may try to deny It
You're amazed when the clown
slaps you In the face
Leaves you dumbfounded there
In hls way, yeah
- I'm golng all the way
- Yeah
- Sooner or later gotta love somebody
- Love somebody
Don't care how long It takes
Llke a shock to the heart
I've got news for you
Maybe I'm not so smart
But I'm nobody's fool
- I'm golng all the way
- Oh, yeah
Hup. Excuse me.
- I'm golng all the way
- I'm nobody's fool, baby...
One diet root beer.
This... was really good.
Thank you.
I won't be a caddy all my life. I'm
going to car-wash school in the fall.
Back to work.
Ah-ha.
Why don't you girls run along
and I'll take care of the caddies?
- Thank you, Todd.
- Great round, Kate.
Thanks.
All right, hunchbacks, listen up.
The club recently purchased 50
Cushman electric Golf Master golf carts,
which means that once they're delivered
your services as caddies
will no longer be required.
Does this mean that we're fired?
That's very good.
Pass it on to your brethren, won't you?
Just so there are no hard feelings
I'll see what I can do
about letting you keep those coveralls.
Why don't you ask your father
to join Bushwood?
Imagine how much fun we could have.
All the tournaments we could win.
Oh, that would be great.
I would love that.
But I'm not sure
how my father would feel about it.
Oh. Well, maybe if he saw how dignified
and elegant everything is here...
Dignified and elegant.
Yeah. He'd fit right in.
Well, make up your mind.
You want to play or you want to fold?
Either you play or fold. If you're not
gonna play or fold, you're gonna sit.
Between me and you,
there's more comfortable places to sit.
Hello. Did you pass away?
Come on, hurry up. I'm talking to you.
Are you still living?
Blink twice if you can see me.
I should call you. Low-life phoneys
is what I should call you.
I'm out.
How do you like that?
Wiped out again.
What are you doing gambling on a
job site anyway? I should fire you all.
I'm gonna do something better.
Make you go back to work.
OK, sweetheart, blow the whistle.
For 20 years
he thinks I speak Spanish.
- You don't speak Spanish?
- No, but I listen fluently.
God bless him. He gives that
cockamamie Spanish hell, doesn't he?
- His cheques don't bounce.
- You got that right.
Jack, why do you let him win?
- How did you know?
- I saw your hand.
You had him beat. You had a full house.
I got a full house.
He had a real full house.
Every time I walk in there
I see 24 kids.
You're a soft touch.
Don't tell him that.
I don't want him to know.
If he thinks I'm a wonderful person
he'll try to become my partner.
- Hello. What are you doing here?
- Hey, Jack.
Take chances, I'm insured.
What the hell is happening down there?
You in that tractor!
Can you hear me?
Not those people again!
I told them, you want to save a crummy
house that's about to fall down,
come over to my place.
Sometimes I'm tempted to say "To hell
with it, it's not my field".
But this is your field.
You bought this field. And that field.
You must be worth about $50 million.
It's nobody's business.
I'm worth a lot more than that.
- See you downstairs.
- Wait for me.
Let me talk to 'em. I hate those people!
Then hurry up.
Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
This is private property.
Please let me handle this.
It requires a little diplomacy and tact.
Lady, please, get lost.
People are working. Can't you see that?
You look like you never had a job.
- Mr Hartounian, I presume?
- Yes.
We represent
the Historical Preservation Society.
I have a temporary injunction...
restraining you from demolishing any
structures on the Armstrong Estate...
until the City Planning Commission
rules on our appeal.
What are you talking about?
This is nothing but an old dump!
This building is over 70 years old.
It's part of our heritage.
What are you talking about?
This is a garage, can't you see that?
Do you come from
a long line of mechanics?
It was a carriage house.
It's one of the original buildings
on what was the Armstrong Estate,
the property line of which
ran down to this brook.
Does this look like a brook to you?
This is not a brook, lady,
this is a sewer.
Originally it was a brook.
Originally your family comes from
monkeys. What's that got to do with it?
This property has been laying here,
dead, for 25 years, do you know that?
All of a sudden, I buy it,
I try to put up some decent housing
that working people can afford,
and what do I get? A historical society.
Out the bullshit!
You can't stand working people
living in this neighbourhood.
I'm not going to argue with you. If you
want us to move you'll have to move us.
No problem. Rayette!
Let's go!
Come on! Come on!
Run!
I run and I run and I run and I run
I can't stay away, darlln'
I run and I run
and I run and I run...
Look, Pop, if someone asks you,
we winter in the Bahamas, somewhere in
the Hamptons and don't mention Jersey.
I'm only doing this because I love you.
That's the only reason.
If it was up to me,
I'd rather have a hernia operation.
Come on, Pop, joining Bushwood
is something you should want to do.
You worked hard for what you've got.
You deserve the best country club.
This is the best?
They're a bunch of snobs, that's all.
Look at the names of their kids.
You ever hear their names?
This and this Junior and The First.
The Second, The Third,
The Fifth, The Sixth.
They're brilliant! They can't even
think of a name for a kid.
It's not fair to condemn them
because they have roots.
They got roots like an oak tree. We
got roots. We got roots like a radish.
I don't want to be a radish all my life.
So, please, Pop, just try.
- Kate!
- Hi!
Hi.
Er, Daddy,
I'd like you to meet my friend Miffy.
Miffy? Miffy, that's a cute name.
I knew a girl in school once,
we called her Muffy.
Probably for different reasons.
She was an ugly girl. She had a
coming-out party, they made her go back.
They made her...
Well, shall we go?
Todd's waiting on the patio with
a scrumptious junk bonds salesman.
- Good luck, Daddy.
- Good luck. Have a good time.
- Bye.
- Goodbye, girls.
Kate, I am so sorry. I had no idea
what you were going through at home.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean your father.
- My father?
- He isn't your real father, is he?
I'll get that for you, sir.
- Are you expected?
- Why, does it show?
You look like a sick man.
I don't want to give you any problems.
I'm looking for Ty Webb.
The room that time forgot.
Mr Webb, your guest.
- Jack!
- I see you're working hard, as usual.
You know how it is. Managing
a large inheritance is a full-time job.
The lawyers and accountants
send me a lot of things.
Got to sign things. A lot of work for
a measly couple of million bucks a year.
I was born with a wooden spoon
in my mouth.
Hm. Must have been hard on your mother.
How's business?
Still building those apartments?
Yeah, yeah,
mostly middle and low-income housing.
No money in it,
but I sleep well at night.
That's interesting.
I sleep well during the daytime.
Where, in a cat box?
You look terrible.
I got it.
There you are.
Who built this thing anyway?
I'll be right with you, Jack.
You know me, I believe a healthy life
needs a balance between work and play.
Give and take. In and out. Yin and Yang.
I heard you get more Yang
than you can handle.
- Hey, Ty, you're looking well.
- Hey, nice to see you, Vinny.
- Er, Ted.
- Whatever.
What you going to do
with all those hearts?
Ty! Damn!
Seven of diamonds.
Keep that queen of spades.
- Have a seat.
- Sure.
- He's ruined the entire hand.
- So you want to join Bushwood?
It's for my daughter's sake.
Me, I couldn't care less.
This place is what the world would have
looked like if the Germans had won.
Well, lucky for us, the Japanese won.
I guess I should introduce you
to some of the members.
- Do you have to?
- Take it easy, Jack.
You just relax.
The important thing is to be yourself.
And of course, lose the accent.
What accent?
Jack Hartounian, I'd like you to meet
some of the oldest members.
- Mr Foreskin.
- Forrester.
Forrester. And Mr Crabs.
And Mr Wrinkle.
- That's Winkler.
- Winkler. And Mr er...
- Or is it Mrs?
- Jamison.
Jamison, that's right. Mrs Jamison.
- Oh, there you are, Ty.
- Hello, Chandler.
- I was looking for...
- PoliGrip?
- No, no...
- Condom machine?
- No.
- That blue stuff you put your combs in?
I was looking for a Mr Hartounian.
Hartounian? In this club?
Oh, you mean Jack? Here he is.
- Hello.
- How do you do?
- I'm Miffy's father. Chandler Young.
- Chandler Young?
I'm at a disadvantage.
I only have one last name.
And quite an interesting
last name it is.
- Hartounian?
- What is your background?
My background? My father was Armenian.
My mother was half Jewish,
half English, half Spanish.
- That's three halves.
- Oh, she was a big woman.
I thought you should meet Chandler.
He's the club president.
You can play golf with him.
If that goes well, a cocktail or two,
and er, maybe some light petting later.
I'll leave that up to you, Chandler.
Well, I got a thing.
He's a little strange.
Elizabeth.
- Oh.
- Jack, this is Elizabeth Pearce.
Hi, Jack. I sure like your suit.
Thank you.
You're a real nice-looking person.
- Thank you.
- I'll come back when you're dressed.
That's all right. I was just going to
get dressed. Real pleased to meet you.
Wait a minute.
Look what I did. I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Oh, is that where that goes? Most women
put that in a different location.
I don't need any there.
I've asked Elizabeth and my wife
to join us to make it a foursome.
I wouldn't mind if it's a foursome,
or two twosomes, or four onesomes.
And this is my wife. Cynthia.
Oh, oh. Hello, hello.
Hello.
Oh, no, absolutely not.
It's out of the question.
I refuse to play golf with this man.
Then I take it you've met?
This is the man who is trying
to destroy our community.
It was just a little disagreement
the other day.
Little?!
He tried to run me over
with a steam roller.
What steam roller?
Bulldozer. It was a bulldozer.
I really have to apologise to you. I was
wrong. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
Darling, a word.
Excuse us for a moment.
Jack, let's get our clubs.
- Let's not make a scene.
- The man tried to kill me.
I'm sure he had his reasons.
The fact is he's here.
- I promised Miffy we'd play.
- It's funny running into Mrs Young.
I bet the first time was funnier.
Sorry I missed that.
Besides, this is an opportunity
for you to save the Armstrong Estate.
You can catch more flies with honey.
Mm.
I'm not going to run some
heavy equipment into a girl like you.
How sweet.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
So, everybody happy now?
- This should be fun, don't you think?
- I don't see how.
You're the guest.
You have the honour.
I'm only here 15 minutes and already
they want to give me honours.
I must be making a good impression.
You are, Jack. That means
they want you to tee off. Good luck.
Oh. Here goes.
Well, this'll be it.
Here we go.
Now!
Interesting club.
What would you call that?
It's a twelve-gauge.
Twelve-gauge.
Out of ammunition, Mr Hartounian?
A friend of mine at NASA sent me this.
I'm surprised
that you bother coming out at all.
Surely you could develop a gadget that
would allow you to sit in the club house
and punch buttons all day.
I got a friend working on that, too.
Doesn't that take
some of the sport out of it?
Not at all. Things could go wrong.
Batteries could go low, get static.
Anything could happen. Sometimes
the signal interferes with a pacemaker.
Edward! Edward!
Edward, are you all right?
- Bingo!
- Bango!
I feel all right now.
Must have been that chilidog.
He wants to become a member of Bushwood.
Can you imagine that?
With him around I can imagine anything.
So er... what would you say on my
chances of becoming a member here?
Well, thatjust may depend on you, Jack.
This is a lovely neighbourhood.
People hate to see it mucked up
with cheap apartments.
I can't tell you your business,
but you know what they say.
One hand washes the other.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
You wouldn't want to disappoint
your daughter, would you?
- There's Daddy.
- Oh, hi.
- I certainly wouldn't.
- Why don't we get you an application?
Leave the real-estate business
to the lawyers.
If you want to leave it to the lawyers,
we'll leave it to them.
But remember, it was your idea.
I didn't go to one of those big, fancy
law schools like you did, Mr Pierpont.
So you're going to have
to explain something to me.
How in the world do you expect
Mr Hartounian to voluntarily
stop building on that site
and move this entire housing project
somewhere else?
I don't see it.
Because, sir, he'll have no choice.
Let me explain how the legal system
really works.
OK.
You see, Mr Blunt, if your client
doesn't voluntarily cease and desist
we'll be forced to go through the long
and very costly process of injunctions,
law suits, motions, counter motions,
hearings, appeals...
Which will cost you so much
in legal fees and construction delays
you'll wish you'd never heard
of the Historical Preservation Society.
Because there's no way in hell we'd let
you come barging into Bushwood Estates
and throw up a lot of cheap housing
for blue-collar trash.
Which one of you
is Chandler Young's son?
I am.
You've certainly made it clear how
your legal system works, Mr Young.
Now I'd like to explain a little bit
about the Peter Blunt system.
You see... I don't go in
for... law suits and motions
or any of that legal stuff.
No, no, see what happens is
I find out where you live
and then I come to your house, see,
and I... beat down your door
with a fuckin' baseball bat!
And then I'm gonna make a bonfire
with the Chippendale,
maybe roast that golden retriever,
then eat it!
Then I'm coming upstairs, junior,
and I'm gonna grab you
by your Brooks Brothers PJs
and I'm gonna take your brand-new BMW
and cram it up your tight ass!
Do we have an understanding?
- So, Martha, is he in?
- He's in a meeting.
Now get the hell outta here before
I really get mad and hurt somebody.
- I tried to sweet talk them.
- So I heard.
I don't think they went for it. We're
not allowed to build on Bushwood Estates
until we get
the planning commission ruling.
- We have to have a hearing.
- A hearing?
Do me a favour, don't try to sweet talk
the planning commission, OK?
Jack, have a little faith
in your lawyer.
Faith in a lawyer.
- That was great, Daddy.
- It really was, Mr Young.
Thanks, Kate. he's coming along nicely.
Jumping a fine horse is a special blend
of strength, courage and grace.
It's a beautiful thing to watch
when it's done right.
Slow down. Slow down.
- Elizabeth, where's the brake?
- Next to the clutch.
Slow down. Easy, easy.
Son of a bitch! You go this fast again,
I'll send you back to the beer truck.
Whoa! Dog Food!
Daddy. What are you doing here?
I asked him.
Oh, Kate, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, my daughter Kate.
Oh, Kate, I'm so happy to meet you.
Hello. I can't believe
I'm seeing you on a horse.
He tells me he's been around
horses for years?
Betting on them, not riding them.
You want me to be a gentleman.
They ride.
- Not like that they don't.
- Quite an entrance, Jack.
For a moment, I was afraid
you might fall and break your neck.
Or your arm. Maybe strike your head
against a fence post.
Maybe be dragged several miles
over rough terrain.
Sweet of you to be concerned. So you're
not troubled by our lawyers' meeting.
No, not at all.
Care to take a few jumps?
I don't think he's quite ready
forjumping yet, do you?
Nonsense. Nothing to it.
Hold on tight, grip with your knees.
Let the animal do all the work.
Sounds like my wedding night.
Your horse has quite a gas problem.
It's not the horse.
- Raise all the jumps.
- Yes, sir.
I mean this is crazy.
He could really get hurt.
Almost definitely, I'd say.
Stay behind me and do exactly as I do.
Go!
Ha!
Yee-ho!
A little higher next time. Higher!
You may want to urge him
a little more, Jack.
Come on.
Up, Prince.
This time, Dog Food, over it. Over it!
One more set ofjumps, Jack.
We'll make it an easy.
Having fun yet, Jack?
- Good evening, miss.
- Good evening, sir.
Pop. Daddy.
Did you have to wear that tux?
- Why, what's wrong with it?
- It's... blue.
It's notjust blue.
If you look at it this way it's purple.
If you look at it like this it's gold.
Beautiful, huh? Come on, sweetheart.
People here like their tuxedos black.
Sure. And they like their noses red,
their blood blue, their faces white.
Until they hire help and then they want
every face to be black, brown or yellow.
Isn't that amazing?
I'm not a hypocrite enough to go along
with a colour scheme like that.
Look, Pop, I don't expect
you to change all at once.
If you could just
turn down the volume a little.
I'm gonna introduce you to this guy
I really like,
so could you just pretend
you like everyone?
Pretend? I'm Jack Hartounian. I can't
pretend to like people I don't like.
Why are you so impressed
by these fonzanoons?
What's a fonzanoon?
A guy who farts in the bathtub
and bites the bubbles.
Nice. Pop, please don't...
Kate. I'm so glad you could make it.
This is for you.
- Thank you.
- That's a fonzanoon!
This is the person
I was telling you about.
Todd, I'd like you to meet my father,
Jack Hartounian.
- A pleasure, sir.
- Why do you look familiar?
Because I'm suing you, sir.
Nothing personal, of course.
Nothing personal? You think your head
getting busted might be personal?
You think a broken nose
might be personal?
You think your head in a toilet bowl
might be personal?
Have a pig in a blanket.
I love yourjacket.
Doesn't he look nice, Todd?
Kate, it's always a pleasure.
Thank you.
Come with me, Jack. Just over here.
- He's a very funny man.
- Yeah, he's a riot.
Hey, look at this. Chandler.
You want to buy a horse?
Look who's here.
Cynthia.
You must be happy to see me, huh?
Of course.
Hello there. How are you?
What's happening?
Look at this conversation I just had.
It's great. It's the first time in here
that someone else got the cold shoulder.
Do you think I care?
I like to talk to myself. You know why?
I like to deal
with a better class of people.
I like that.
Do you rumba, samba, mambo-schmambo?
- I try to tango.
- That's close enough.
Kate, will you please look at your
father and my cousin dancing out there.
Excuse me.
Ha!
Boy, this is a tough room.
- What are you doing?
- Wow.
I was just practising.
In the dark?
How can you tell where the ball went?
You can't. Which is probably why
you don't see a lot of night golf.
How's the party going?
I see. Was it er... Was it that bad?
Harry... just by looking at me,
would you say that I was lower class,
middle class or upper class?
- You're being serious?
- Yes.
I would say... middle.
Upper maybe. Middle upper.
Definitely.
So what are you? I mean, at home,
when you're not doing the caddy thing?
Well, at home we happen to be
upper lower.
But when I'm away at school
I like to pretend I'm lower middle.
But what I aspire to become
is middle middle.
You're obsessed with class, aren't you?
I just want to fit in.
But around here it's so important
that you look a certain way,
you have the right friends
and join the right sorority.
Come on, Kate.
Joining the right sorority...
It's not important.
- You know who you remind me of?
- Who?
- My father.
- Guess that's better than your mother.
Attention, everyone!
It's time for our little slave auction.
Remember, it's all for charity,
so let's see if we can break
last year's record of $4,500.
Break out your chequebooks
and think Mandlngo
while I read the list
of this year's willing slaves.
What is this all about?
It's a game they play
when they feel guilty about being rich.
They auction off
the judge or chairperson,
and you buy them, take them home and
they sweep your floor, clean your garage
and afterwards you give them lunch
and a martini and it's very civilised.
Civilised. How do you do?
Nice to see you.
Jack. I'd like to have a word with you.
Hey, Chandler, how are you?
Mr Club President, how you been?
I'm having
the time of my life here.
- Everything is lovely, wonderful.
- Yes, it is. Here's the thing.
My wife and I spoke
to several of our members.
We feel that after tonight
it might be better if you
didn't visit the club for a while.
- What do you mean "for a while"?
- Ever, actually.
We just don't feel
you're Bushwood material.
The messy apartment business,
the attempt on Cynthia's life.
You understand, I'm sure.
I understand.
Good.
Our first society slave going up
for bids is the charming Cynthia Young.
So I thought we'd start the bidding
at erm... $50. Do I hear 50?
- $50.
- $100.
- 200.
- 250.
- 300.
- Do I hear 325?
- Very well, going once at 300.
- Come on.
- Going twice.
- 325.
- I thought he'd left.
- 325 is bid.
Do I hear 350?
Please!
- Daddy.
- Don't worry. 350!
400!
- 450!
- 500!
Finish him, Chandler.
510!
A thousand bucks!
I have a thousand dollars.
Do I hear more?
- Daddy.
- Very well, going once.
- Father, bid!
- Going twice.
- Chandler!
- What's he waiting for?
Please!
Well...
- Sold! $1,000 to Mr Hartounian.
- Why?
Ha.
- Do you want a tip?
- I want a tip.
Bend from the hip sockets.
If you can see your zipper...
you're screwed.
Hip sockets? OK.
Here?
- No.
- Here.
- Here.
- Here?
- No, here. Yeah.
- Oh.
- That's good.
- Kate!
What is it you're doing out here?
- I'm just hitting some golf balls.
- Want to hit some?
- It's all in the hips.
- Oh, sure.
In my tuxedo,
without my glove or my spikes?
Aren't you an employee, and isn't
there some rule about how close
you're allowed to stand
to members and guests?
Yeah, I think it's 3.5 feet,
but only during working hours.
And if my memory serves, wise ass,
didn't I already fire you?
Yes, you did,
which is probably why I'm not working.
Kate, would you like to go back inside?
Actually, I think I might
go home from here.
Great idea. I'll drop you, and we can
stop at Bonny's. She's having a party.
Do you want to?
OK.
Thanks.
Thank you.
See you around.
Not around here, she won't.
$1,100 going once.
Someone, please.
Going twice!
Sold, Mr Chandler Young for $1,100
once again to Mr Hartounian,
who has so graciously purchased
all of our society slaves tonight
for a grand total of $11,950.
I do hope you'll be able to find enough
little chores to keep us all busy.
I'll think of something.
Come on, guys, let's go!
We've got a lot of work to do.
I really hate this. Easy.
Oh, Jamison!
Hey, stupid, get out of there!
What are you, nuts?
- This is an outrage!
- Tell me about it.
I asked for labourers.
A labourer's a guy with big arms.
Bad teeth.
Just broke up with a waitress.
Hey, you're doin' a fine job.
Listen, a couple of us are going bowling
after work, suck down a couple of beers.
- Wanna come with us?
- Suck down a couple of beers.
Fine. Oh, excuse me... sir.
Hey, Jack, let me ask you a question.
How much did you pay for these people?
$11,900.
Well, you got burned. That old broad
can't carry lumber for shit.
All right, Hartounian,
you've had your fun.
What are you trying to prove with this?
I'm not trying to prove anything.
I want you and your friends to see
that people work hard for a living.
Don't tell me about hard work, mister.
I've cut more firewood
than you'll ever see.
It'll take more than you got
to break Chandler Young.
Chandler!
Chandler!
Chandler!
Hey, where's she goin'?
It's not even lunch time yet.
Chandler!
- All in favour?
- Aye!
Opposed?
Then it's settled.
Jack Hartounian's finished in this city.
- PP, you handle the IRS.
- Uh-huh.
Contact the police, fire and utilities.
OK.
PM, go to work on his suppliers
and subcontractors.
Excuse me, gentlemen, but aren't we
being a little childish about this?
Is punishing this boob
really worth all this time and effort?
- Mm-hm.
- Yes. I think so.
Definitely. I'll tell you this.
He'll wish he never set foot
in this club.
Hard to say, huh?
How long do you think it'll be
before you get our power turned back on?
- What?
- Hard to say. I see.
Well, is it as hard to say as
"Oh, God, help me, there's a man
in my office with a flamethrower"?
- What's going on here?
- We got a problem.
We got no cement, no lumber,
no steel, no nothing.
The building inspector
just pulled our permits.
- Where is the electricity?
- I'm working on it.
- There's a conspiracy.
- What are you telling me?
If you don't back off Bushwood Estates
they'll put us out of business.
That's what they think!
- Hi.
- Jack. Hi. Down here, reading.
Listen, I want to buy
Bushwood Country Club.
I made up my mind. I got to get even
with these sons of bitches.
Hold on a minute, Jack. Calm down.
- You want to buy Bushwood from me?
- That's right. That's right.
Well, let me ask you this. Do I own it?
I checked it out.
You own 53 per cent of the stock.
53 per cent?
Ah, good old Dad.
No flies on him.
Very few on Mom as I recall.
Mom and Dad.
Well, they're gone now.
- They passed away?
- No, no, Palm Beach.
Wait a minute.
I'm sorry, I think they are dead.
Listen, I want to talk business.
All right, let's talk
over a game of golf.
- But you don't play golf anymore.
- I still play.
Just not outdoors. I finally got it down
to the absolute basic essentials.
Club... ball... and swing.
The rest is just walking round the park
wearing funny pants.
Is it safe to hit a ball in here?
Of course. It's a ballroom.
- Want a lift?
- Why not?
There's a tough dogleg
to the right up here.
- So do you want to sell, or what?
- Why are you so upset?
Because they insulted me.
First they shut down my building sites.
Then they cut off my power and phones.
- Pulled all my permits...
- Ouch!
Let's look at it
from their point of view.
OK?
I can't wait. I need an answer today.
Take it easy, Jack.
We're gonna have to negotiate.
There's gonna be phone calls, maybe
some mail. Talkin' mucho dlnero here.
And probably some American money, too.
A little chunky.
I don't care what it costs. I want it.
Mm-hm. Tough lie.
Jack, if I sell it, half the people
I grew up with won't speak to me again.
They don't speak to you now.
That's a very good point.
I'm gonna have to bank it
off the Chagall.
I topped it.
I topped it. Got a good bounce.
- It's in.
- Do we have a deal or not?
- Hm?
- Huh?
- Why not?
- Now you're talkin'.
Do you have a twin sister?
Well, gentlemen, I think we've seen
the last of Mr Jack Hartounian.
I guess he learned a little something
about who calls the shots in this city.
Wake up!
Now I know what they do with the bodies
once the medical students are finished.
You have incredible nerve, Hartounian.
What makes you think
you can walk into a private club,
- and stroll around as if you own it?
- Cos I do own it.
You must be Chandler.
What are you up to?
- Where did you get these?
- Ty Webb.
Ty Webb.
I don't know what sleazy deal you made
or what do you intend to do here,
but our members
will never stand for this.
- Most of them can't stand anyway.
- Listen, Chandler.
You know what the most important problem
with the world is?
Privilege. People like you who somehow
think you're better than everybody else.
Here is a city full of poor people,
poor people who've suffered.
Suffered and struggled in the factories
and the slaughterhouses. For what?
So that people like you
should live in a mansion on the hill?
Chandler, let me tell you something.
There's gonna be a lot of new faces
in this club.
I'm gonna see to it. I'm gonna open
Bushwood Club to the general public.
And I'm gonna make sure that everyone...
has a taste... of the good life.
Don't you just love this guy?
Don't start thinking
you've won anything!
This isn't over yet.
See you at the reopening.
Hope you like pickled herring.
Yeah, come on back any time
and we'll play a few holes.
- Chandler, I want to go home.
- See here, Cynthia,
the last thing we want to do
is let him think he's winning.
But he is winning.
Well, it's no different, is it?
Perhaps it won't be so bad after all.
- Gimme that!
- This is outrageous.
I don't want to talk about it,
let's just play.
Hey, boys, you made it, huh?
What do you think? Isn't it great?
It's great, isn't it?
I suppose this is someone's idea
of having a good time.
What?
Perhaps you can turn the music down,
you idiot.
Oh, yeah, right.
What do you say I join you
for a little small ball?
Here, have a pull off of that
if you want.
You've got a driver and a putter.
How can you play with two clubs?
How many do you need?
I can't believe I'm playin' golf, huh?
Golf. Golf.
Sounds like you got something
stuck in your throat.
Oh, he really got a hold of that.
That one's in the upper deck.
Oh, that one's gone.
Where's my beer?
You know the problem with golf?
It's a game for wusses.
There's no damn contact.
You know what I mean?
Wait, wait, wait.
I got an idea. I got an idea, look.
Let's play one on one.
I'll defend the hole
and you try to score.
You got helmets, you got pads,
you got your clubs flying around.
Throw in a little stiff body checking.
Boom, you got yourself a game.
- What do you say?
- Good God.
Well, it was just an idea.
Ho! Where were you?
I've been looking for you all day.
I can tell.
Quite an impressive search party.
Ha!
Oh, Cynthia. I didn't even see you here.
- How are you? How you doin'?
- Do you mind? You're blocking my sun.
Your sun? Your sun?
I'm doing you a favour.
You lay around here your face
will look like an alligator bag.
You're gonna be wearing luggage tags
for earrings.
Really!
I hope you brought your wooden shoes.
It looks good, don't it, huh?
Don't it look great?
Yeah, we had a hell of a time
trying to find all these giant tulips.
You got to knock it
right through that little door.
It's hard as hell.
All right!
I'm on my game today.
Give it a try.
Hey, Kate!
He seems absolutely thrilled
with the joke he's made out of our club.
Miffy, I hardly think Kate wants to hear
our unvarnished opinion on the subject.
You don't have
to varnish it for me, Todd.
I stopped apologising for my dad
a long time ago.
I admire that, Kate.
Hey.
That's a pretty girl over there, huh?
Yes, it is.
You'd like to get her alone in the dark?
As long as I've got your permission.
What's yourjob here? Yourjob here is
as a lifeguard. That's why I hired you.
I didn't hire you to watch my daughter.
- The lives. Lives. You got that?
- Guarding lives.
Every life around this pool
is your responsibility.
- Yes, sir.
- Repeat after me.
- Every... single...
- Every single life...
- You're too fast.
- Every single life...
around this pool is your responsibility.
- My responsibility.
- Every life!
- It is my responsibility.
- Every single life.
Except that son of a bitch there.
Girls, now you'll see some sliding.
Get that bastard.
Kate! Miffy!
Watch this.
Look out below.
Yeah!
Oh, hot, hot!
Hot! Hot!
He's such a show-off.
Oh! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! That's hot! Ow!
Oh, that's... Ow, my ass!
That's it. Take him off!
Shoot!
Come on, shoot! Come on! Come on, shoot!
Shoot! Come on!
- Will you please move?
- Huh?
Oh. Sorry. Go ahead.
Come on, you got it!
He steals the puck.
He's got it off the ice!
Easy! Easy! Easy!
He shoots! He scores!
This is some damn sport,
eh, boys?
- I think I've had enough for today.
- Let's go another 18. What do you say?
Chandler Young?
Yes.
Our mutual friend
told me to meet you here.
Captain Tom Everett, United States
Marine Corps, Company A, retired.
I was expecting someone with a vehicle,
but not this.
Well, think about it,
your objective is to surveil a target
operating in the construction business.
What could be better suited to this sort
of covert recon than a barf wagon?
- Order something.
- I'm really not that hungry.
Typical.
Might I remind you that sacrifice is
the key to the survival of your country?
Or in this case, your country club.
All right,
then give me a cheese sandwich.
Don't have it.
I'll have a tuna on wholewheat.
Don't have it.
No.
I think you'll be ordering number six.
Fiesta burrito with chilli and eggs.
Just exactly what is
your military background?
Oh, I had 15 years in.
Covert stuff mainly.
Recon, LRRPs, special ops.
Yeah. Most of the details
of my assignments are still classified.
I can't go into it without compromising
elements of our foreign policy.
But it was mainly demolition work
of an inter-personal nature.
Then there was that damn
bureaucratic snafu in the Nam.
I ended up in a VA mental facility.
Typical.
So typical.
I can then assume our friend
will be discouraged from involvement
with Bushwood Country Club?
Are we talking... discouraged...
with extreme prejudice?
I'm afraid we already tried
extreme prejudice. Didn't work.
No, no, no, I meant
do you want him... terminated?
The less I know about that the better.
Good. That's my policy exactly.
That way, when we're captured, and they
put a 12-volt battery to our testicles,
which can, does and has happened...
we can honestly say
we're ignorant of the subject.
Should we swear a blood oath on it
or something?
Oh, I don't think that will be
necessary, Captain Everett.
OK.
From now on, in future communications,
you'll refer to me as... Mr Sanderson.
And I will refer to you as erm...
Mrs Esterhaus.
Fine.
Well... I guess that's it then.
- Oh, Mr Sanderson.
- Goodbye... Mrs Esterhaus.
My God.
- What's the matter?
- You look stunning.
Thank you.
Give me a minute. I'll be right back.
Jack?
Jack, I'm in the kitchen.
Jackie?
I'm just fixing something.
Oy!
Jack?
Jack, shall I get that?
What are you doing out there?
I just wanted to see what it would feel
like to come home to you every night.
Oh, how sweet.
- Now what were you really up to?
- Me?
Nothing. Nothing.
I just wanted to give you a present.
Hello.
- What's this? Where you going?
- Going to stay at Miffy's for a while.
Miffy's? Why?
Cos I can't live with you anymore.
Live with me? What happened?
You don't care about me, or you wouldn't
have done what you did to Bushwood.
Did to Bushwood?
I made it into a fun place.
No, you took a beautiful country club
and turned it into Coney Island.
It was perfect the way it was,
but you couldn't stand that, could you?
You had to make it cheap and common.
I don't believe this.
You sound just like one of them.
Don't you understand?
- I want to be one of them.
- You wanna be one...
Then be one of them. Go ahead.
Go ahead, you got no family anymore.
- You're now one of them.
- That's fine with me.
Fine with you, fine with them,
and it's fine with me.
Then go ahead.
And don't come back here anymore.
- Little bit hard on her, weren't you?
- I was hard on her?
I work like a dog all my life
so she should have everything.
And she talks to me like that?
All kids go through things like that.
They're embarrassed about their parents
or they want to be someone else.
I hope you're right.
Just give her a chance. She'll be fine.
Everything is perfect.
It's a perfect mess, that's what it is.
My daughter walked out on me.
Just when I thought I was
doing it right, I'm doing it all wrong.
Just when I think I'm on top
I'm on the bottom again.
My daughter was right. No matter how
rich I get I'm a filthy, vulgar person.
That's what I am. That's what I am.
I'm trash. I'm filth. I'm dirt.
I'm garbage. I'm the scum of the Earth.
I'm the scum of the Earth!
You can contradict me
any time you want, you know.
Hm? No, no, no argument here.
I make a point never to interfere
in people's relationships.
You know, there's no mystery
to dealing with women.
Women are... They're just
human beings like you and me.
They're fragile, they're sensitive,
they're responsive to...
kindness and warmth and honesty.
They just have to be treated that way,
that's all.
Let me show you what I'm talking about.
What the... Very funny.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Ty Webb.
- We were noticing you at the bar.
Er... want to play trap the clam?
- Dip the donkey?
- Excuse me.
Spank the puppy?
Swallow the swan?
- I have to put a dime in the meter.
- I'll help you.
Mow the lawn?
Pop the weasel?
Well, we're finally alone.
I know.
Have you ever seen a crisp $50 bill?
Urghh!
Uh-huh.
Jack, just the man I was looking for.
I just spoke to my friends
at the planning commission.
Here's a little present for you.
It'd be a miracle if you ever got
another building permit in this city.
You crooks are all on the take. Where
you're taking it I don't want to know.
So you might be interested
in selling your Bushwood stock,
at a whopping loss, of course.
I'm sick and tired of you
and your bullshit, got that?
- I'm buying you out!
- You're crazy if you think we'll sell.
- Name your price!
- Why don't we flip for it?
OK, coin in the air.
Coin in the air.
...taking over...
Be honest, who had heads?
I'm gonna flip again. Here we go!
It's tails.
- Did you hear me?
- Let me tell you something.
OK. You want a fight,
you got yourself a fight.
One more word and I'll kill ya.
One more word!
- Clown.
- That's not the word.
- Barbarian.
- That's not the word either.
- Coward.
- That was the word.
- That was the word.
- Break it up! Break it up!
You want to settle this? Do it
like gentlemen, on the golf course.
- 18 holes. Partners.
- Great idea.
You win, you can have your club back.
He wins, he keeps the club
and he builds those apartments.
- You're on, mister.
- OK, you got a bet. It's on my course.
- And no trick clubs.
- Who needs them? You're finished.
Out of my way.
Hey.
Todd. Go out and get a nice tie.
You look like a Pee-wee Herman doll.
Look how uncoordinated he is.
Can't even drive a car.
Can you imagine him beating me at golf?
Frankly, you're not great yourself.
Even with me as your partner
there's still an element of risk.
Take my word. Risk has been eliminated.
That's my car!
Place yourself in my hands.
OK, trust me.
Relax. Come on, relax.
All right. Bend your knees just a touch.
- You want to spread your legs.
- You want me to leave you alone?
That's not funny.
OK, let's see that grip.
No, Jack. Jack.
- Terry...
- Harry.
- Harry. You're gonna be his partner?
- Yes. 50/50, right?
- I don't like you that much. 90/20.
- Close enough.
I want you to swing nice and easy
and hit one down the fairway, OK?
Just want to see how you hit it.
Take your time. Nice and easy.
Right down the fairway.
Relax and swing easy.
Don't be afraid. Any time.
Just give it a good hit.
Right down the fairway.
Fellas?
No. No. Hold it. Time out.
You're picking your head up.
You got to keep it down. Down.
And I noticed you're bending
your left elbow on your back swing.
Keep that straight. Use both hands.
Bend your knees a little bit more.
That's it.
- It's really quite simple.
- Kevin.
- Harry.
- Whatever.
You're just confusing the man.
It's really quite simple.
First of all, get rid of all this stuff.
What you want to do is clear your mind.
OK? Watch me, OK? Take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
And just be the ball.
- Be the ball.
- Be the ball.
Be the ball.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na.
- Be the ball.
- Be the ball.
Be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball.
- Be the ball.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na.
No, no, no, no, no. Jack. Jack. Jack!
Jack! You're not being the ball.
Be the ball.
Do me a favour, you be the ball.
If I wanted to be sports equipment
I'd be a lady's bicycle seat.
Tell you what,
the problem is concentration.
Why don't we try it blindfolded?
- Why not?
- All right, let's try that.
Jack, we tried the spiritual approach
and it didn't work. It's not your fault.
But this is the latest biomechanic,
ergonomic, kinaesthetic,
state-of-the-art teaching technique.
You'll like it.
Get rid of that wicked slice.
Let's try it.
OK, let's try one.
That's getting better.
Perfect!
- Good morning, Mrs Esterhaus.
- Don't "Mrs Esterhaus" me, you idiot.
You blew up my Rolls-Royce.
It's difficult. In my line of work you
learn it's the details that kill you.
Just make sure that next time
there aren't any screw-ups.
I'm playing this man in a golf match
and I don't intend to lose.
You won't.
OK. These are six mercury-filled,
steel-jacketed dum-dum golf balls.
Feel the weight on this little sweetie.
This is a high-tensile strength
titanium driver,
which in the hands
of a trained professional
will definitely redefine
the term "handicap".
Oh, yeah, look in the eyepiece.
Go ahead. Feel free.
I've set up a simulation. See?
Watermelon hanging from those gallows.
Yes.
Let's just say that that watermelon
represents the head of your problem.
All right?
OK.
Now, sir, if you would please...
keep your eye on the fruit.
Keep your eye on the fruit.
Keep your eye on the fruit.
- Good.
- Good?
- Good.
- Good?
It's better than good. It's gone.
Now, listen,
I want to be very clear about this.
Follow the match closely,
but stay out of sight.
Do nothing, unless you my signal.
OK.
But should my opponent start to win
I will tip my cap.
Speaking of tipping, there is the
as yet unattended to matter of my fee.
- I'd like it deposited there, please.
- What's this? A Swiss bank account?
It's the combination of my locker
at the Greyhound bus station.
How elegant.
I hope this is the last time we have
to meet like this, Mr Sanderson.
My sentiments exactly, Mrs Esterhaus.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get ready to rumble.
Gentlemen,
these are the rules of the match.
It's a Scotch twosome. Each partner
hits the other partner's ball.
For those of you unfamiliar
with this type of play,
it's a little like tag-team wrestling.
Only you can't do this.
None of this. Or this.
Now, fewest strokes wins the hole.
Most holes wins the match.
- Fine.
- Australian winter rules.
You may improve your lie in the rough if
you can roughly prove you're not lying.
If your ball goes in the water
you may go in after it,
but only if it's been 45 minutes
since you last ate.
- Are you quite finished?
- Not quite, no.
- Largest shoe size has the honour.
- Anybody beat a 12D?
- I can, but I'm out of this.
- So?
- So I guess you're up.
- OK.
May the best man win.
And if that doesn't happen,
I hope Jack and Harry pull this off.
Wish I could stay, but I got a thing.
Bye.
- Knock 'em dead, Harry.
- Come on, Harry.
Straighten up!
Yeah!
If you have to have a partner
you're the partner to have.
Great.
These clubs are terrible!
Here we go.
I know. I know! Be the ball.
Be the ball. Be the ball.
Swing for the fences.
He's sliced it.
Stay out of the woods.
Stay out of the woods!
- Stay out.
- Look out!
There's my objective.
He's no threat. Nice duds though.
Sure hate to mess 'em up.
This is gonna be an easy one.
One quick stroke,
I'll bounce him and be out by sundown.
Easiest money I ever made.
Hmm. How the hell
am I supposed to concentrate
with smurf like that walking around?
You did that on purpose.
Naughty! Naughty!
I may have to put you in the duck suit,
and your little dog, too.
Ah-ha!
Hey! Hey! Who the hell sent you.
You little subversive vermin.
Whoo! Whoo! Legal matter coming through.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
You getting the shit kicked out of ya?
How's it goin'?
Terrible. I'm hungry
and have to go to the bathroom.
No, I mean the game. What's the score?
Ah, we're losing.
They're six holes ahead.
I was starting to get used
to country club life.
What do you say
we try something different? Come here.
But the green is over there.
You have the worst slice
in the history of golf.
Might as well go with it.
Ha-ha!
- See that?
- Thank you. Thank you.
And I thought this was a hard game.
I got you now, you little furry freak.
You're not going to get away from me.
Scrambling around.
I know you're in there.
He's close.
You're close, aren't ya?
Just a few feet away.
Mocking me.
Ain't a gopher alive
that's a match for an ex-Marine.
- Shh!
- Here we go.
- Come on, come on, come on!
- Yes!
Chandler, what's going on? You were up
seven holes, now he's won the last six.
- You promised he couldn't win.
- He can't win if he doesn't finish.
- Harry. Hi.
- Is your dad gonna be happy to see you.
Yeah. How's the match going?
It's all tied up
with this last hole to go.
- Do you think you can win?
- We got the momentum.
Yeah. Yeah, I think we're gonna win.
OK, little gopher. Hey.
It's your friend Tom.
I gotjunk food.
Everybody loves mass-produced
cream-filled pastries.
They're good.
I was just trying
to get your attention before.
Come on.
They're good. Huh?
Very subtle, Mrs Esterhaus.
I read ya, loud and clear.
Whoo!
That hurts.
I think it was a big mistake
tipping that arrow head with poison.
- Don't hit it long.
- Gotcha.
No, no, wait. Don't hit it short.
OK, right in the middle there
is where I want to go.
Wait, hit it long but let it go short.
Well, it's not long.
But it's short.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
You...
Come on, hit me. Huh? Come on, hit me.
Come on, hit me!
Nya! What's up, doc?
Seems that cream
always rises to the top,
doesn't it, bag boy?
Well, girls, once we win this hole
this place will be back to normal.
Kate, we might even be able to make it
in time for Bunny's brunch.
Would you excuse me?
Kate, I've decided that
you mustjoin my sorority.
And I know that the Kappas
are just going to love you.
There's only one thing? Would you
consider changing your name?
Maybe take out the "ounian" and shorten
it to Kate Hart. Isn't that great?
Wait a second.
What is wrong with my real name?
Nothing. It's just that it sounds so...
So what?
Kate, you want people
to think that you belong.
I do belong... to a family.
Well... if you want
my honest opinion, Kate,
I think that your family's
really embarrassing.
And I'm really happy
that I'm not a part of it.
Yeah, so am I.
What? What?
Miffy, you are a stupid,
superficial, snotty little bitch.
Oh, really? Really, Kate? Oh!
Whatever! What... Ow!
Well, Jack,
I guess it's come down to this.
Whoever sinks their putt wins the match.
Frankly, I'm not worried.
Chandler, could I talk to you
for a moment?
Look, I don't know much about golf,
but I do know the difference between
a 50-foot putt and a two-foot putt.
It's always been my experience
to go with the guy closer to the hole.
- You're my kind of guy.
- Thank you.
- Can I give you some friendly advice?
- Yeah, all right.
- Have you tried putting with a wedgie?
- A wedgie?
Yeah. Oh, it's great.
All the pros are doing it.
- Would you like me to show you?
- Yeah.
See, what you do is you take your normal
stance, like you're putting the ball.
Just like that.
You never putted with a wedgie?
- No.
- You just take your stance.
And then... this is the wedgie!
Try putting with that
crammed up your crack.
Pop?
Pop.
I just wanted to say that
whether or not you sink this putt...
I love you.
I'm really sorry I've been acting
like such a jerk lately.
I guess that's what I get
for hanging round a bunch of fonzanoons.
I don't know what you thought.
Did you think you'd just walk out on me,
insult me, come back when you want?
Put your arms around me, tell me
"I love you" and I'll forget everything?
Yeah, that's the general idea.
You're right.
Ah-hah.
Sink your putt.
Now. Do it now. Now.
Now! Now!
- You can do it.
- Do it.
Now. Do it now.
Do it.
No!
Shh! He still might sink his putt.
If he does, we tie.
Father, a word.
This putt is very simple
and very straight.
Just tap it.
- Tap it.
- Just tap it.
A tiny, tiny tap.
- Tiny tap.
- A tiny, tiny, tiny tap.
- Lost ball, wouldn't you say?
- We win, you lose.
Hey, Chandler, nice touch.
Excuse me, Mr Something.
Might I trouble you for a scalpel, some
forceps or maybe even a pair of pliers?
You see, I had a little trouble
getting out of the roughs over there
and damn if I didn't
accidentally shoot myself
with a poison-tipped crossbow dart.
If I pull the arrow out,
will you please
suck out the poison for me?
Let me get this straight.
You pull it out, I suck?
Is there any money in it for me?
Oh, tough course.
It was a tiny tap.
Look at you,
you've burned your sweater.
Mother, how could you marry a man
with such a terrible short game?
Oh, shut up, Mary Frances.
Spoiled, snotty,
superficial little bitch.
What?
Todd. Todd.
Oh, drat, I guess this means
you won't be going to Bunny's brunch?
Hey, baby.
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
what happened to Mary Ellen Tobin?
Total humiliation.
She found out that her boyfriend
is part Italian.
I bet I know which part, too.
I've always wondered.
What are you, Kate?
Me?
Erm, we're New Yorkers, originally.
Well, Miffy tells me that the two of you
room together at Radcliffe.
Five iron.
I was at Harvard Law.
I'm very surprised we never met.
Well, I just transferred last year
from Michigan.
I knew someone
who once went to Michigan.
I think it was our maid.
Kate, I am just kidding.
- Outstanding.
- Marvellous.
Marvellously outstanding.
Kate.
Caddy, could you please run
and get me a diet root beer?
Er... The nearest soda machine
is way back at the snack bar.
Er, yeah,
I know where the soda machine is.
Snotty little bitch.
I may never come back.
I know you thlnk
I'm no match for you, baby
You Ilke makln'It rough on me
don't ya?
My, my
Back to the shack
Huh, huh, yeah
And nothlng sults me better than that
If tlme has taught me anythlng
Got to learn to be the ball
And I can't keep
from laughlng at It all
I'm gonna laugh
I'm golng all the way
Sooner or later gotta love somebody
Don't care how long It takes
You can turn up the heat
But I'm playlng It cool
I know It's hard to belleve
I aln't nobody's fool
- I'm golng all the way
- All the way
- Sooner or later gotta love somebody
- I don't care
Don't care how long It takes...
Ah, good morning, Mr and Mrs Mannings.
I've not gone to school
Baby, Ilke It or not
I aln't nobody's fool
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Yeah.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Pardon me. No, no!
My halluclnatlon
May come as some surprlse
You may try to deny It
You're amazed when the clown
slaps you In the face
Leaves you dumbfounded there
In hls way, yeah
- I'm golng all the way
- Yeah
- Sooner or later gotta love somebody
- Love somebody
Don't care how long It takes
Llke a shock to the heart
I've got news for you
Maybe I'm not so smart
But I'm nobody's fool
- I'm golng all the way
- Oh, yeah
Hup. Excuse me.
- I'm golng all the way
- I'm nobody's fool, baby...
One diet root beer.
This... was really good.
Thank you.
I won't be a caddy all my life. I'm
going to car-wash school in the fall.
Back to work.
Ah-ha.
Why don't you girls run along
and I'll take care of the caddies?
- Thank you, Todd.
- Great round, Kate.
Thanks.
All right, hunchbacks, listen up.
The club recently purchased 50
Cushman electric Golf Master golf carts,
which means that once they're delivered
your services as caddies
will no longer be required.
Does this mean that we're fired?
That's very good.
Pass it on to your brethren, won't you?
Just so there are no hard feelings
I'll see what I can do
about letting you keep those coveralls.
Why don't you ask your father
to join Bushwood?
Imagine how much fun we could have.
All the tournaments we could win.
Oh, that would be great.
I would love that.
But I'm not sure
how my father would feel about it.
Oh. Well, maybe if he saw how dignified
and elegant everything is here...
Dignified and elegant.
Yeah. He'd fit right in.
Well, make up your mind.
You want to play or you want to fold?
Either you play or fold. If you're not
gonna play or fold, you're gonna sit.
Between me and you,
there's more comfortable places to sit.
Hello. Did you pass away?
Come on, hurry up. I'm talking to you.
Are you still living?
Blink twice if you can see me.
I should call you. Low-life phoneys
is what I should call you.
I'm out.
How do you like that?
Wiped out again.
What are you doing gambling on a
job site anyway? I should fire you all.
I'm gonna do something better.
Make you go back to work.
OK, sweetheart, blow the whistle.
For 20 years
he thinks I speak Spanish.
- You don't speak Spanish?
- No, but I listen fluently.
God bless him. He gives that
cockamamie Spanish hell, doesn't he?
- His cheques don't bounce.
- You got that right.
Jack, why do you let him win?
- How did you know?
- I saw your hand.
You had him beat. You had a full house.
I got a full house.
He had a real full house.
Every time I walk in there
I see 24 kids.
You're a soft touch.
Don't tell him that.
I don't want him to know.
If he thinks I'm a wonderful person
he'll try to become my partner.
- Hello. What are you doing here?
- Hey, Jack.
Take chances, I'm insured.
What the hell is happening down there?
You in that tractor!
Can you hear me?
Not those people again!
I told them, you want to save a crummy
house that's about to fall down,
come over to my place.
Sometimes I'm tempted to say "To hell
with it, it's not my field".
But this is your field.
You bought this field. And that field.
You must be worth about $50 million.
It's nobody's business.
I'm worth a lot more than that.
- See you downstairs.
- Wait for me.
Let me talk to 'em. I hate those people!
Then hurry up.
Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
This is private property.
Please let me handle this.
It requires a little diplomacy and tact.
Lady, please, get lost.
People are working. Can't you see that?
You look like you never had a job.
- Mr Hartounian, I presume?
- Yes.
We represent
the Historical Preservation Society.
I have a temporary injunction...
restraining you from demolishing any
structures on the Armstrong Estate...
until the City Planning Commission
rules on our appeal.
What are you talking about?
This is nothing but an old dump!
This building is over 70 years old.
It's part of our heritage.
What are you talking about?
This is a garage, can't you see that?
Do you come from
a long line of mechanics?
It was a carriage house.
It's one of the original buildings
on what was the Armstrong Estate,
the property line of which
ran down to this brook.
Does this look like a brook to you?
This is not a brook, lady,
this is a sewer.
Originally it was a brook.
Originally your family comes from
monkeys. What's that got to do with it?
This property has been laying here,
dead, for 25 years, do you know that?
All of a sudden, I buy it,
I try to put up some decent housing
that working people can afford,
and what do I get? A historical society.
Out the bullshit!
You can't stand working people
living in this neighbourhood.
I'm not going to argue with you. If you
want us to move you'll have to move us.
No problem. Rayette!
Let's go!
Come on! Come on!
Run!
I run and I run and I run and I run
I can't stay away, darlln'
I run and I run
and I run and I run...
Look, Pop, if someone asks you,
we winter in the Bahamas, somewhere in
the Hamptons and don't mention Jersey.
I'm only doing this because I love you.
That's the only reason.
If it was up to me,
I'd rather have a hernia operation.
Come on, Pop, joining Bushwood
is something you should want to do.
You worked hard for what you've got.
You deserve the best country club.
This is the best?
They're a bunch of snobs, that's all.
Look at the names of their kids.
You ever hear their names?
This and this Junior and The First.
The Second, The Third,
The Fifth, The Sixth.
They're brilliant! They can't even
think of a name for a kid.
It's not fair to condemn them
because they have roots.
They got roots like an oak tree. We
got roots. We got roots like a radish.
I don't want to be a radish all my life.
So, please, Pop, just try.
- Kate!
- Hi!
Hi.
Er, Daddy,
I'd like you to meet my friend Miffy.
Miffy? Miffy, that's a cute name.
I knew a girl in school once,
we called her Muffy.
Probably for different reasons.
She was an ugly girl. She had a
coming-out party, they made her go back.
They made her...
Well, shall we go?
Todd's waiting on the patio with
a scrumptious junk bonds salesman.
- Good luck, Daddy.
- Good luck. Have a good time.
- Bye.
- Goodbye, girls.
Kate, I am so sorry. I had no idea
what you were going through at home.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean your father.
- My father?
- He isn't your real father, is he?
I'll get that for you, sir.
- Are you expected?
- Why, does it show?
You look like a sick man.
I don't want to give you any problems.
I'm looking for Ty Webb.
The room that time forgot.
Mr Webb, your guest.
- Jack!
- I see you're working hard, as usual.
You know how it is. Managing
a large inheritance is a full-time job.
The lawyers and accountants
send me a lot of things.
Got to sign things. A lot of work for
a measly couple of million bucks a year.
I was born with a wooden spoon
in my mouth.
Hm. Must have been hard on your mother.
How's business?
Still building those apartments?
Yeah, yeah,
mostly middle and low-income housing.
No money in it,
but I sleep well at night.
That's interesting.
I sleep well during the daytime.
Where, in a cat box?
You look terrible.
I got it.
There you are.
Who built this thing anyway?
I'll be right with you, Jack.
You know me, I believe a healthy life
needs a balance between work and play.
Give and take. In and out. Yin and Yang.
I heard you get more Yang
than you can handle.
- Hey, Ty, you're looking well.
- Hey, nice to see you, Vinny.
- Er, Ted.
- Whatever.
What you going to do
with all those hearts?
Ty! Damn!
Seven of diamonds.
Keep that queen of spades.
- Have a seat.
- Sure.
- He's ruined the entire hand.
- So you want to join Bushwood?
It's for my daughter's sake.
Me, I couldn't care less.
This place is what the world would have
looked like if the Germans had won.
Well, lucky for us, the Japanese won.
I guess I should introduce you
to some of the members.
- Do you have to?
- Take it easy, Jack.
You just relax.
The important thing is to be yourself.
And of course, lose the accent.
What accent?
Jack Hartounian, I'd like you to meet
some of the oldest members.
- Mr Foreskin.
- Forrester.
Forrester. And Mr Crabs.
And Mr Wrinkle.
- That's Winkler.
- Winkler. And Mr er...
- Or is it Mrs?
- Jamison.
Jamison, that's right. Mrs Jamison.
- Oh, there you are, Ty.
- Hello, Chandler.
- I was looking for...
- PoliGrip?
- No, no...
- Condom machine?
- No.
- That blue stuff you put your combs in?
I was looking for a Mr Hartounian.
Hartounian? In this club?
Oh, you mean Jack? Here he is.
- Hello.
- How do you do?
- I'm Miffy's father. Chandler Young.
- Chandler Young?
I'm at a disadvantage.
I only have one last name.
And quite an interesting
last name it is.
- Hartounian?
- What is your background?
My background? My father was Armenian.
My mother was half Jewish,
half English, half Spanish.
- That's three halves.
- Oh, she was a big woman.
I thought you should meet Chandler.
He's the club president.
You can play golf with him.
If that goes well, a cocktail or two,
and er, maybe some light petting later.
I'll leave that up to you, Chandler.
Well, I got a thing.
He's a little strange.
Elizabeth.
- Oh.
- Jack, this is Elizabeth Pearce.
Hi, Jack. I sure like your suit.
Thank you.
You're a real nice-looking person.
- Thank you.
- I'll come back when you're dressed.
That's all right. I was just going to
get dressed. Real pleased to meet you.
Wait a minute.
Look what I did. I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Oh, is that where that goes? Most women
put that in a different location.
I don't need any there.
I've asked Elizabeth and my wife
to join us to make it a foursome.
I wouldn't mind if it's a foursome,
or two twosomes, or four onesomes.
And this is my wife. Cynthia.
Oh, oh. Hello, hello.
Hello.
Oh, no, absolutely not.
It's out of the question.
I refuse to play golf with this man.
Then I take it you've met?
This is the man who is trying
to destroy our community.
It was just a little disagreement
the other day.
Little?!
He tried to run me over
with a steam roller.
What steam roller?
Bulldozer. It was a bulldozer.
I really have to apologise to you. I was
wrong. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
Darling, a word.
Excuse us for a moment.
Jack, let's get our clubs.
- Let's not make a scene.
- The man tried to kill me.
I'm sure he had his reasons.
The fact is he's here.
- I promised Miffy we'd play.
- It's funny running into Mrs Young.
I bet the first time was funnier.
Sorry I missed that.
Besides, this is an opportunity
for you to save the Armstrong Estate.
You can catch more flies with honey.
Mm.
I'm not going to run some
heavy equipment into a girl like you.
How sweet.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
So, everybody happy now?
- This should be fun, don't you think?
- I don't see how.
You're the guest.
You have the honour.
I'm only here 15 minutes and already
they want to give me honours.
I must be making a good impression.
You are, Jack. That means
they want you to tee off. Good luck.
Oh. Here goes.
Well, this'll be it.
Here we go.
Now!
Interesting club.
What would you call that?
It's a twelve-gauge.
Twelve-gauge.
Out of ammunition, Mr Hartounian?
A friend of mine at NASA sent me this.
I'm surprised
that you bother coming out at all.
Surely you could develop a gadget that
would allow you to sit in the club house
and punch buttons all day.
I got a friend working on that, too.
Doesn't that take
some of the sport out of it?
Not at all. Things could go wrong.
Batteries could go low, get static.
Anything could happen. Sometimes
the signal interferes with a pacemaker.
Edward! Edward!
Edward, are you all right?
- Bingo!
- Bango!
I feel all right now.
Must have been that chilidog.
He wants to become a member of Bushwood.
Can you imagine that?
With him around I can imagine anything.
So er... what would you say on my
chances of becoming a member here?
Well, thatjust may depend on you, Jack.
This is a lovely neighbourhood.
People hate to see it mucked up
with cheap apartments.
I can't tell you your business,
but you know what they say.
One hand washes the other.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
You wouldn't want to disappoint
your daughter, would you?
- There's Daddy.
- Oh, hi.
- I certainly wouldn't.
- Why don't we get you an application?
Leave the real-estate business
to the lawyers.
If you want to leave it to the lawyers,
we'll leave it to them.
But remember, it was your idea.
I didn't go to one of those big, fancy
law schools like you did, Mr Pierpont.
So you're going to have
to explain something to me.
How in the world do you expect
Mr Hartounian to voluntarily
stop building on that site
and move this entire housing project
somewhere else?
I don't see it.
Because, sir, he'll have no choice.
Let me explain how the legal system
really works.
OK.
You see, Mr Blunt, if your client
doesn't voluntarily cease and desist
we'll be forced to go through the long
and very costly process of injunctions,
law suits, motions, counter motions,
hearings, appeals...
Which will cost you so much
in legal fees and construction delays
you'll wish you'd never heard
of the Historical Preservation Society.
Because there's no way in hell we'd let
you come barging into Bushwood Estates
and throw up a lot of cheap housing
for blue-collar trash.
Which one of you
is Chandler Young's son?
I am.
You've certainly made it clear how
your legal system works, Mr Young.
Now I'd like to explain a little bit
about the Peter Blunt system.
You see... I don't go in
for... law suits and motions
or any of that legal stuff.
No, no, see what happens is
I find out where you live
and then I come to your house, see,
and I... beat down your door
with a fuckin' baseball bat!
And then I'm gonna make a bonfire
with the Chippendale,
maybe roast that golden retriever,
then eat it!
Then I'm coming upstairs, junior,
and I'm gonna grab you
by your Brooks Brothers PJs
and I'm gonna take your brand-new BMW
and cram it up your tight ass!
Do we have an understanding?
- So, Martha, is he in?
- He's in a meeting.
Now get the hell outta here before
I really get mad and hurt somebody.
- I tried to sweet talk them.
- So I heard.
I don't think they went for it. We're
not allowed to build on Bushwood Estates
until we get
the planning commission ruling.
- We have to have a hearing.
- A hearing?
Do me a favour, don't try to sweet talk
the planning commission, OK?
Jack, have a little faith
in your lawyer.
Faith in a lawyer.
- That was great, Daddy.
- It really was, Mr Young.
Thanks, Kate. he's coming along nicely.
Jumping a fine horse is a special blend
of strength, courage and grace.
It's a beautiful thing to watch
when it's done right.
Slow down. Slow down.
- Elizabeth, where's the brake?
- Next to the clutch.
Slow down. Easy, easy.
Son of a bitch! You go this fast again,
I'll send you back to the beer truck.
Whoa! Dog Food!
Daddy. What are you doing here?
I asked him.
Oh, Kate, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, my daughter Kate.
Oh, Kate, I'm so happy to meet you.
Hello. I can't believe
I'm seeing you on a horse.
He tells me he's been around
horses for years?
Betting on them, not riding them.
You want me to be a gentleman.
They ride.
- Not like that they don't.
- Quite an entrance, Jack.
For a moment, I was afraid
you might fall and break your neck.
Or your arm. Maybe strike your head
against a fence post.
Maybe be dragged several miles
over rough terrain.
Sweet of you to be concerned. So you're
not troubled by our lawyers' meeting.
No, not at all.
Care to take a few jumps?
I don't think he's quite ready
forjumping yet, do you?
Nonsense. Nothing to it.
Hold on tight, grip with your knees.
Let the animal do all the work.
Sounds like my wedding night.
Your horse has quite a gas problem.
It's not the horse.
- Raise all the jumps.
- Yes, sir.
I mean this is crazy.
He could really get hurt.
Almost definitely, I'd say.
Stay behind me and do exactly as I do.
Go!
Ha!
Yee-ho!
A little higher next time. Higher!
You may want to urge him
a little more, Jack.
Come on.
Up, Prince.
This time, Dog Food, over it. Over it!
One more set ofjumps, Jack.
We'll make it an easy.
Having fun yet, Jack?
- Good evening, miss.
- Good evening, sir.
Pop. Daddy.
Did you have to wear that tux?
- Why, what's wrong with it?
- It's... blue.
It's notjust blue.
If you look at it this way it's purple.
If you look at it like this it's gold.
Beautiful, huh? Come on, sweetheart.
People here like their tuxedos black.
Sure. And they like their noses red,
their blood blue, their faces white.
Until they hire help and then they want
every face to be black, brown or yellow.
Isn't that amazing?
I'm not a hypocrite enough to go along
with a colour scheme like that.
Look, Pop, I don't expect
you to change all at once.
If you could just
turn down the volume a little.
I'm gonna introduce you to this guy
I really like,
so could you just pretend
you like everyone?
Pretend? I'm Jack Hartounian. I can't
pretend to like people I don't like.
Why are you so impressed
by these fonzanoons?
What's a fonzanoon?
A guy who farts in the bathtub
and bites the bubbles.
Nice. Pop, please don't...
Kate. I'm so glad you could make it.
This is for you.
- Thank you.
- That's a fonzanoon!
This is the person
I was telling you about.
Todd, I'd like you to meet my father,
Jack Hartounian.
- A pleasure, sir.
- Why do you look familiar?
Because I'm suing you, sir.
Nothing personal, of course.
Nothing personal? You think your head
getting busted might be personal?
You think a broken nose
might be personal?
You think your head in a toilet bowl
might be personal?
Have a pig in a blanket.
I love yourjacket.
Doesn't he look nice, Todd?
Kate, it's always a pleasure.
Thank you.
Come with me, Jack. Just over here.
- He's a very funny man.
- Yeah, he's a riot.
Hey, look at this. Chandler.
You want to buy a horse?
Look who's here.
Cynthia.
You must be happy to see me, huh?
Of course.
Hello there. How are you?
What's happening?
Look at this conversation I just had.
It's great. It's the first time in here
that someone else got the cold shoulder.
Do you think I care?
I like to talk to myself. You know why?
I like to deal
with a better class of people.
I like that.
Do you rumba, samba, mambo-schmambo?
- I try to tango.
- That's close enough.
Kate, will you please look at your
father and my cousin dancing out there.
Excuse me.
Ha!
Boy, this is a tough room.
- What are you doing?
- Wow.
I was just practising.
In the dark?
How can you tell where the ball went?
You can't. Which is probably why
you don't see a lot of night golf.
How's the party going?
I see. Was it er... Was it that bad?
Harry... just by looking at me,
would you say that I was lower class,
middle class or upper class?
- You're being serious?
- Yes.
I would say... middle.
Upper maybe. Middle upper.
Definitely.
So what are you? I mean, at home,
when you're not doing the caddy thing?
Well, at home we happen to be
upper lower.
But when I'm away at school
I like to pretend I'm lower middle.
But what I aspire to become
is middle middle.
You're obsessed with class, aren't you?
I just want to fit in.
But around here it's so important
that you look a certain way,
you have the right friends
and join the right sorority.
Come on, Kate.
Joining the right sorority...
It's not important.
- You know who you remind me of?
- Who?
- My father.
- Guess that's better than your mother.
Attention, everyone!
It's time for our little slave auction.
Remember, it's all for charity,
so let's see if we can break
last year's record of $4,500.
Break out your chequebooks
and think Mandlngo
while I read the list
of this year's willing slaves.
What is this all about?
It's a game they play
when they feel guilty about being rich.
They auction off
the judge or chairperson,
and you buy them, take them home and
they sweep your floor, clean your garage
and afterwards you give them lunch
and a martini and it's very civilised.
Civilised. How do you do?
Nice to see you.
Jack. I'd like to have a word with you.
Hey, Chandler, how are you?
Mr Club President, how you been?
I'm having
the time of my life here.
- Everything is lovely, wonderful.
- Yes, it is. Here's the thing.
My wife and I spoke
to several of our members.
We feel that after tonight
it might be better if you
didn't visit the club for a while.
- What do you mean "for a while"?
- Ever, actually.
We just don't feel
you're Bushwood material.
The messy apartment business,
the attempt on Cynthia's life.
You understand, I'm sure.
I understand.
Good.
Our first society slave going up
for bids is the charming Cynthia Young.
So I thought we'd start the bidding
at erm... $50. Do I hear 50?
- $50.
- $100.
- 200.
- 250.
- 300.
- Do I hear 325?
- Very well, going once at 300.
- Come on.
- Going twice.
- 325.
- I thought he'd left.
- 325 is bid.
Do I hear 350?
Please!
- Daddy.
- Don't worry. 350!
400!
- 450!
- 500!
Finish him, Chandler.
510!
A thousand bucks!
I have a thousand dollars.
Do I hear more?
- Daddy.
- Very well, going once.
- Father, bid!
- Going twice.
- Chandler!
- What's he waiting for?
Please!
Well...
- Sold! $1,000 to Mr Hartounian.
- Why?
Ha.
- Do you want a tip?
- I want a tip.
Bend from the hip sockets.
If you can see your zipper...
you're screwed.
Hip sockets? OK.
Here?
- No.
- Here.
- Here.
- Here?
- No, here. Yeah.
- Oh.
- That's good.
- Kate!
What is it you're doing out here?
- I'm just hitting some golf balls.
- Want to hit some?
- It's all in the hips.
- Oh, sure.
In my tuxedo,
without my glove or my spikes?
Aren't you an employee, and isn't
there some rule about how close
you're allowed to stand
to members and guests?
Yeah, I think it's 3.5 feet,
but only during working hours.
And if my memory serves, wise ass,
didn't I already fire you?
Yes, you did,
which is probably why I'm not working.
Kate, would you like to go back inside?
Actually, I think I might
go home from here.
Great idea. I'll drop you, and we can
stop at Bonny's. She's having a party.
Do you want to?
OK.
Thanks.
Thank you.
See you around.
Not around here, she won't.
$1,100 going once.
Someone, please.
Going twice!
Sold, Mr Chandler Young for $1,100
once again to Mr Hartounian,
who has so graciously purchased
all of our society slaves tonight
for a grand total of $11,950.
I do hope you'll be able to find enough
little chores to keep us all busy.
I'll think of something.
Come on, guys, let's go!
We've got a lot of work to do.
I really hate this. Easy.
Oh, Jamison!
Hey, stupid, get out of there!
What are you, nuts?
- This is an outrage!
- Tell me about it.
I asked for labourers.
A labourer's a guy with big arms.
Bad teeth.
Just broke up with a waitress.
Hey, you're doin' a fine job.
Listen, a couple of us are going bowling
after work, suck down a couple of beers.
- Wanna come with us?
- Suck down a couple of beers.
Fine. Oh, excuse me... sir.
Hey, Jack, let me ask you a question.
How much did you pay for these people?
$11,900.
Well, you got burned. That old broad
can't carry lumber for shit.
All right, Hartounian,
you've had your fun.
What are you trying to prove with this?
I'm not trying to prove anything.
I want you and your friends to see
that people work hard for a living.
Don't tell me about hard work, mister.
I've cut more firewood
than you'll ever see.
It'll take more than you got
to break Chandler Young.
Chandler!
Chandler!
Chandler!
Hey, where's she goin'?
It's not even lunch time yet.
Chandler!
- All in favour?
- Aye!
Opposed?
Then it's settled.
Jack Hartounian's finished in this city.
- PP, you handle the IRS.
- Uh-huh.
Contact the police, fire and utilities.
OK.
PM, go to work on his suppliers
and subcontractors.
Excuse me, gentlemen, but aren't we
being a little childish about this?
Is punishing this boob
really worth all this time and effort?
- Mm-hm.
- Yes. I think so.
Definitely. I'll tell you this.
He'll wish he never set foot
in this club.
Hard to say, huh?
How long do you think it'll be
before you get our power turned back on?
- What?
- Hard to say. I see.
Well, is it as hard to say as
"Oh, God, help me, there's a man
in my office with a flamethrower"?
- What's going on here?
- We got a problem.
We got no cement, no lumber,
no steel, no nothing.
The building inspector
just pulled our permits.
- Where is the electricity?
- I'm working on it.
- There's a conspiracy.
- What are you telling me?
If you don't back off Bushwood Estates
they'll put us out of business.
That's what they think!
- Hi.
- Jack. Hi. Down here, reading.
Listen, I want to buy
Bushwood Country Club.
I made up my mind. I got to get even
with these sons of bitches.
Hold on a minute, Jack. Calm down.
- You want to buy Bushwood from me?
- That's right. That's right.
Well, let me ask you this. Do I own it?
I checked it out.
You own 53 per cent of the stock.
53 per cent?
Ah, good old Dad.
No flies on him.
Very few on Mom as I recall.
Mom and Dad.
Well, they're gone now.
- They passed away?
- No, no, Palm Beach.
Wait a minute.
I'm sorry, I think they are dead.
Listen, I want to talk business.
All right, let's talk
over a game of golf.
- But you don't play golf anymore.
- I still play.
Just not outdoors. I finally got it down
to the absolute basic essentials.
Club... ball... and swing.
The rest is just walking round the park
wearing funny pants.
Is it safe to hit a ball in here?
Of course. It's a ballroom.
- Want a lift?
- Why not?
There's a tough dogleg
to the right up here.
- So do you want to sell, or what?
- Why are you so upset?
Because they insulted me.
First they shut down my building sites.
Then they cut off my power and phones.
- Pulled all my permits...
- Ouch!
Let's look at it
from their point of view.
OK?
I can't wait. I need an answer today.
Take it easy, Jack.
We're gonna have to negotiate.
There's gonna be phone calls, maybe
some mail. Talkin' mucho dlnero here.
And probably some American money, too.
A little chunky.
I don't care what it costs. I want it.
Mm-hm. Tough lie.
Jack, if I sell it, half the people
I grew up with won't speak to me again.
They don't speak to you now.
That's a very good point.
I'm gonna have to bank it
off the Chagall.
I topped it.
I topped it. Got a good bounce.
- It's in.
- Do we have a deal or not?
- Hm?
- Huh?
- Why not?
- Now you're talkin'.
Do you have a twin sister?
Well, gentlemen, I think we've seen
the last of Mr Jack Hartounian.
I guess he learned a little something
about who calls the shots in this city.
Wake up!
Now I know what they do with the bodies
once the medical students are finished.
You have incredible nerve, Hartounian.
What makes you think
you can walk into a private club,
- and stroll around as if you own it?
- Cos I do own it.
You must be Chandler.
What are you up to?
- Where did you get these?
- Ty Webb.
Ty Webb.
I don't know what sleazy deal you made
or what do you intend to do here,
but our members
will never stand for this.
- Most of them can't stand anyway.
- Listen, Chandler.
You know what the most important problem
with the world is?
Privilege. People like you who somehow
think you're better than everybody else.
Here is a city full of poor people,
poor people who've suffered.
Suffered and struggled in the factories
and the slaughterhouses. For what?
So that people like you
should live in a mansion on the hill?
Chandler, let me tell you something.
There's gonna be a lot of new faces
in this club.
I'm gonna see to it. I'm gonna open
Bushwood Club to the general public.
And I'm gonna make sure that everyone...
has a taste... of the good life.
Don't you just love this guy?
Don't start thinking
you've won anything!
This isn't over yet.
See you at the reopening.
Hope you like pickled herring.
Yeah, come on back any time
and we'll play a few holes.
- Chandler, I want to go home.
- See here, Cynthia,
the last thing we want to do
is let him think he's winning.
But he is winning.
Well, it's no different, is it?
Perhaps it won't be so bad after all.
- Gimme that!
- This is outrageous.
I don't want to talk about it,
let's just play.
Hey, boys, you made it, huh?
What do you think? Isn't it great?
It's great, isn't it?
I suppose this is someone's idea
of having a good time.
What?
Perhaps you can turn the music down,
you idiot.
Oh, yeah, right.
What do you say I join you
for a little small ball?
Here, have a pull off of that
if you want.
You've got a driver and a putter.
How can you play with two clubs?
How many do you need?
I can't believe I'm playin' golf, huh?
Golf. Golf.
Sounds like you got something
stuck in your throat.
Oh, he really got a hold of that.
That one's in the upper deck.
Oh, that one's gone.
Where's my beer?
You know the problem with golf?
It's a game for wusses.
There's no damn contact.
You know what I mean?
Wait, wait, wait.
I got an idea. I got an idea, look.
Let's play one on one.
I'll defend the hole
and you try to score.
You got helmets, you got pads,
you got your clubs flying around.
Throw in a little stiff body checking.
Boom, you got yourself a game.
- What do you say?
- Good God.
Well, it was just an idea.
Ho! Where were you?
I've been looking for you all day.
I can tell.
Quite an impressive search party.
Ha!
Oh, Cynthia. I didn't even see you here.
- How are you? How you doin'?
- Do you mind? You're blocking my sun.
Your sun? Your sun?
I'm doing you a favour.
You lay around here your face
will look like an alligator bag.
You're gonna be wearing luggage tags
for earrings.
Really!
I hope you brought your wooden shoes.
It looks good, don't it, huh?
Don't it look great?
Yeah, we had a hell of a time
trying to find all these giant tulips.
You got to knock it
right through that little door.
It's hard as hell.
All right!
I'm on my game today.
Give it a try.
Hey, Kate!
He seems absolutely thrilled
with the joke he's made out of our club.
Miffy, I hardly think Kate wants to hear
our unvarnished opinion on the subject.
You don't have
to varnish it for me, Todd.
I stopped apologising for my dad
a long time ago.
I admire that, Kate.
Hey.
That's a pretty girl over there, huh?
Yes, it is.
You'd like to get her alone in the dark?
As long as I've got your permission.
What's yourjob here? Yourjob here is
as a lifeguard. That's why I hired you.
I didn't hire you to watch my daughter.
- The lives. Lives. You got that?
- Guarding lives.
Every life around this pool
is your responsibility.
- Yes, sir.
- Repeat after me.
- Every... single...
- Every single life...
- You're too fast.
- Every single life...
around this pool is your responsibility.
- My responsibility.
- Every life!
- It is my responsibility.
- Every single life.
Except that son of a bitch there.
Girls, now you'll see some sliding.
Get that bastard.
Kate! Miffy!
Watch this.
Look out below.
Yeah!
Oh, hot, hot!
Hot! Hot!
He's such a show-off.
Oh! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! That's hot! Ow!
Oh, that's... Ow, my ass!
That's it. Take him off!
Shoot!
Come on, shoot! Come on! Come on, shoot!
Shoot! Come on!
- Will you please move?
- Huh?
Oh. Sorry. Go ahead.
Come on, you got it!
He steals the puck.
He's got it off the ice!
Easy! Easy! Easy!
He shoots! He scores!
This is some damn sport,
eh, boys?
- I think I've had enough for today.
- Let's go another 18. What do you say?
Chandler Young?
Yes.
Our mutual friend
told me to meet you here.
Captain Tom Everett, United States
Marine Corps, Company A, retired.
I was expecting someone with a vehicle,
but not this.
Well, think about it,
your objective is to surveil a target
operating in the construction business.
What could be better suited to this sort
of covert recon than a barf wagon?
- Order something.
- I'm really not that hungry.
Typical.
Might I remind you that sacrifice is
the key to the survival of your country?
Or in this case, your country club.
All right,
then give me a cheese sandwich.
Don't have it.
I'll have a tuna on wholewheat.
Don't have it.
No.
I think you'll be ordering number six.
Fiesta burrito with chilli and eggs.
Just exactly what is
your military background?
Oh, I had 15 years in.
Covert stuff mainly.
Recon, LRRPs, special ops.
Yeah. Most of the details
of my assignments are still classified.
I can't go into it without compromising
elements of our foreign policy.
But it was mainly demolition work
of an inter-personal nature.
Then there was that damn
bureaucratic snafu in the Nam.
I ended up in a VA mental facility.
Typical.
So typical.
I can then assume our friend
will be discouraged from involvement
with Bushwood Country Club?
Are we talking... discouraged...
with extreme prejudice?
I'm afraid we already tried
extreme prejudice. Didn't work.
No, no, no, I meant
do you want him... terminated?
The less I know about that the better.
Good. That's my policy exactly.
That way, when we're captured, and they
put a 12-volt battery to our testicles,
which can, does and has happened...
we can honestly say
we're ignorant of the subject.
Should we swear a blood oath on it
or something?
Oh, I don't think that will be
necessary, Captain Everett.
OK.
From now on, in future communications,
you'll refer to me as... Mr Sanderson.
And I will refer to you as erm...
Mrs Esterhaus.
Fine.
Well... I guess that's it then.
- Oh, Mr Sanderson.
- Goodbye... Mrs Esterhaus.
My God.
- What's the matter?
- You look stunning.
Thank you.
Give me a minute. I'll be right back.
Jack?
Jack, I'm in the kitchen.
Jackie?
I'm just fixing something.
Oy!
Jack?
Jack, shall I get that?
What are you doing out there?
I just wanted to see what it would feel
like to come home to you every night.
Oh, how sweet.
- Now what were you really up to?
- Me?
Nothing. Nothing.
I just wanted to give you a present.
Hello.
- What's this? Where you going?
- Going to stay at Miffy's for a while.
Miffy's? Why?
Cos I can't live with you anymore.
Live with me? What happened?
You don't care about me, or you wouldn't
have done what you did to Bushwood.
Did to Bushwood?
I made it into a fun place.
No, you took a beautiful country club
and turned it into Coney Island.
It was perfect the way it was,
but you couldn't stand that, could you?
You had to make it cheap and common.
I don't believe this.
You sound just like one of them.
Don't you understand?
- I want to be one of them.
- You wanna be one...
Then be one of them. Go ahead.
Go ahead, you got no family anymore.
- You're now one of them.
- That's fine with me.
Fine with you, fine with them,
and it's fine with me.
Then go ahead.
And don't come back here anymore.
- Little bit hard on her, weren't you?
- I was hard on her?
I work like a dog all my life
so she should have everything.
And she talks to me like that?
All kids go through things like that.
They're embarrassed about their parents
or they want to be someone else.
I hope you're right.
Just give her a chance. She'll be fine.
Everything is perfect.
It's a perfect mess, that's what it is.
My daughter walked out on me.
Just when I thought I was
doing it right, I'm doing it all wrong.
Just when I think I'm on top
I'm on the bottom again.
My daughter was right. No matter how
rich I get I'm a filthy, vulgar person.
That's what I am. That's what I am.
I'm trash. I'm filth. I'm dirt.
I'm garbage. I'm the scum of the Earth.
I'm the scum of the Earth!
You can contradict me
any time you want, you know.
Hm? No, no, no argument here.
I make a point never to interfere
in people's relationships.
You know, there's no mystery
to dealing with women.
Women are... They're just
human beings like you and me.
They're fragile, they're sensitive,
they're responsive to...
kindness and warmth and honesty.
They just have to be treated that way,
that's all.
Let me show you what I'm talking about.
What the... Very funny.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Ty Webb.
- We were noticing you at the bar.
Er... want to play trap the clam?
- Dip the donkey?
- Excuse me.
Spank the puppy?
Swallow the swan?
- I have to put a dime in the meter.
- I'll help you.
Mow the lawn?
Pop the weasel?
Well, we're finally alone.
I know.
Have you ever seen a crisp $50 bill?
Urghh!
Uh-huh.
Jack, just the man I was looking for.
I just spoke to my friends
at the planning commission.
Here's a little present for you.
It'd be a miracle if you ever got
another building permit in this city.
You crooks are all on the take. Where
you're taking it I don't want to know.
So you might be interested
in selling your Bushwood stock,
at a whopping loss, of course.
I'm sick and tired of you
and your bullshit, got that?
- I'm buying you out!
- You're crazy if you think we'll sell.
- Name your price!
- Why don't we flip for it?
OK, coin in the air.
Coin in the air.
...taking over...
Be honest, who had heads?
I'm gonna flip again. Here we go!
It's tails.
- Did you hear me?
- Let me tell you something.
OK. You want a fight,
you got yourself a fight.
One more word and I'll kill ya.
One more word!
- Clown.
- That's not the word.
- Barbarian.
- That's not the word either.
- Coward.
- That was the word.
- That was the word.
- Break it up! Break it up!
You want to settle this? Do it
like gentlemen, on the golf course.
- 18 holes. Partners.
- Great idea.
You win, you can have your club back.
He wins, he keeps the club
and he builds those apartments.
- You're on, mister.
- OK, you got a bet. It's on my course.
- And no trick clubs.
- Who needs them? You're finished.
Out of my way.
Hey.
Todd. Go out and get a nice tie.
You look like a Pee-wee Herman doll.
Look how uncoordinated he is.
Can't even drive a car.
Can you imagine him beating me at golf?
Frankly, you're not great yourself.
Even with me as your partner
there's still an element of risk.
Take my word. Risk has been eliminated.
That's my car!
Place yourself in my hands.
OK, trust me.
Relax. Come on, relax.
All right. Bend your knees just a touch.
- You want to spread your legs.
- You want me to leave you alone?
That's not funny.
OK, let's see that grip.
No, Jack. Jack.
- Terry...
- Harry.
- Harry. You're gonna be his partner?
- Yes. 50/50, right?
- I don't like you that much. 90/20.
- Close enough.
I want you to swing nice and easy
and hit one down the fairway, OK?
Just want to see how you hit it.
Take your time. Nice and easy.
Right down the fairway.
Relax and swing easy.
Don't be afraid. Any time.
Just give it a good hit.
Right down the fairway.
Fellas?
No. No. Hold it. Time out.
You're picking your head up.
You got to keep it down. Down.
And I noticed you're bending
your left elbow on your back swing.
Keep that straight. Use both hands.
Bend your knees a little bit more.
That's it.
- It's really quite simple.
- Kevin.
- Harry.
- Whatever.
You're just confusing the man.
It's really quite simple.
First of all, get rid of all this stuff.
What you want to do is clear your mind.
OK? Watch me, OK? Take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
And just be the ball.
- Be the ball.
- Be the ball.
Be the ball.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na.
- Be the ball.
- Be the ball.
Be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball.
- Be the ball.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na-na.
No, no, no, no, no. Jack. Jack. Jack!
Jack! You're not being the ball.
Be the ball.
Do me a favour, you be the ball.
If I wanted to be sports equipment
I'd be a lady's bicycle seat.
Tell you what,
the problem is concentration.
Why don't we try it blindfolded?
- Why not?
- All right, let's try that.
Jack, we tried the spiritual approach
and it didn't work. It's not your fault.
But this is the latest biomechanic,
ergonomic, kinaesthetic,
state-of-the-art teaching technique.
You'll like it.
Get rid of that wicked slice.
Let's try it.
OK, let's try one.
That's getting better.
Perfect!
- Good morning, Mrs Esterhaus.
- Don't "Mrs Esterhaus" me, you idiot.
You blew up my Rolls-Royce.
It's difficult. In my line of work you
learn it's the details that kill you.
Just make sure that next time
there aren't any screw-ups.
I'm playing this man in a golf match
and I don't intend to lose.
You won't.
OK. These are six mercury-filled,
steel-jacketed dum-dum golf balls.
Feel the weight on this little sweetie.
This is a high-tensile strength
titanium driver,
which in the hands
of a trained professional
will definitely redefine
the term "handicap".
Oh, yeah, look in the eyepiece.
Go ahead. Feel free.
I've set up a simulation. See?
Watermelon hanging from those gallows.
Yes.
Let's just say that that watermelon
represents the head of your problem.
All right?
OK.
Now, sir, if you would please...
keep your eye on the fruit.
Keep your eye on the fruit.
Keep your eye on the fruit.
- Good.
- Good?
- Good.
- Good?
It's better than good. It's gone.
Now, listen,
I want to be very clear about this.
Follow the match closely,
but stay out of sight.
Do nothing, unless you my signal.
OK.
But should my opponent start to win
I will tip my cap.
Speaking of tipping, there is the
as yet unattended to matter of my fee.
- I'd like it deposited there, please.
- What's this? A Swiss bank account?
It's the combination of my locker
at the Greyhound bus station.
How elegant.
I hope this is the last time we have
to meet like this, Mr Sanderson.
My sentiments exactly, Mrs Esterhaus.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get ready to rumble.
Gentlemen,
these are the rules of the match.
It's a Scotch twosome. Each partner
hits the other partner's ball.
For those of you unfamiliar
with this type of play,
it's a little like tag-team wrestling.
Only you can't do this.
None of this. Or this.
Now, fewest strokes wins the hole.
Most holes wins the match.
- Fine.
- Australian winter rules.
You may improve your lie in the rough if
you can roughly prove you're not lying.
If your ball goes in the water
you may go in after it,
but only if it's been 45 minutes
since you last ate.
- Are you quite finished?
- Not quite, no.
- Largest shoe size has the honour.
- Anybody beat a 12D?
- I can, but I'm out of this.
- So?
- So I guess you're up.
- OK.
May the best man win.
And if that doesn't happen,
I hope Jack and Harry pull this off.
Wish I could stay, but I got a thing.
Bye.
- Knock 'em dead, Harry.
- Come on, Harry.
Straighten up!
Yeah!
If you have to have a partner
you're the partner to have.
Great.
These clubs are terrible!
Here we go.
I know. I know! Be the ball.
Be the ball. Be the ball.
Swing for the fences.
He's sliced it.
Stay out of the woods.
Stay out of the woods!
- Stay out.
- Look out!
There's my objective.
He's no threat. Nice duds though.
Sure hate to mess 'em up.
This is gonna be an easy one.
One quick stroke,
I'll bounce him and be out by sundown.
Easiest money I ever made.
Hmm. How the hell
am I supposed to concentrate
with smurf like that walking around?
You did that on purpose.
Naughty! Naughty!
I may have to put you in the duck suit,
and your little dog, too.
Ah-ha!
Hey! Hey! Who the hell sent you.
You little subversive vermin.
Whoo! Whoo! Legal matter coming through.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
You getting the shit kicked out of ya?
How's it goin'?
Terrible. I'm hungry
and have to go to the bathroom.
No, I mean the game. What's the score?
Ah, we're losing.
They're six holes ahead.
I was starting to get used
to country club life.
What do you say
we try something different? Come here.
But the green is over there.
You have the worst slice
in the history of golf.
Might as well go with it.
Ha-ha!
- See that?
- Thank you. Thank you.
And I thought this was a hard game.
I got you now, you little furry freak.
You're not going to get away from me.
Scrambling around.
I know you're in there.
He's close.
You're close, aren't ya?
Just a few feet away.
Mocking me.
Ain't a gopher alive
that's a match for an ex-Marine.
- Shh!
- Here we go.
- Come on, come on, come on!
- Yes!
Chandler, what's going on? You were up
seven holes, now he's won the last six.
- You promised he couldn't win.
- He can't win if he doesn't finish.
- Harry. Hi.
- Is your dad gonna be happy to see you.
Yeah. How's the match going?
It's all tied up
with this last hole to go.
- Do you think you can win?
- We got the momentum.
Yeah. Yeah, I think we're gonna win.
OK, little gopher. Hey.
It's your friend Tom.
I gotjunk food.
Everybody loves mass-produced
cream-filled pastries.
They're good.
I was just trying
to get your attention before.
Come on.
They're good. Huh?
Very subtle, Mrs Esterhaus.
I read ya, loud and clear.
Whoo!
That hurts.
I think it was a big mistake
tipping that arrow head with poison.
- Don't hit it long.
- Gotcha.
No, no, wait. Don't hit it short.
OK, right in the middle there
is where I want to go.
Wait, hit it long but let it go short.
Well, it's not long.
But it's short.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
You...
Come on, hit me. Huh? Come on, hit me.
Come on, hit me!
Nya! What's up, doc?
Seems that cream
always rises to the top,
doesn't it, bag boy?
Well, girls, once we win this hole
this place will be back to normal.
Kate, we might even be able to make it
in time for Bunny's brunch.
Would you excuse me?
Kate, I've decided that
you mustjoin my sorority.
And I know that the Kappas
are just going to love you.
There's only one thing? Would you
consider changing your name?
Maybe take out the "ounian" and shorten
it to Kate Hart. Isn't that great?
Wait a second.
What is wrong with my real name?
Nothing. It's just that it sounds so...
So what?
Kate, you want people
to think that you belong.
I do belong... to a family.
Well... if you want
my honest opinion, Kate,
I think that your family's
really embarrassing.
And I'm really happy
that I'm not a part of it.
Yeah, so am I.
What? What?
Miffy, you are a stupid,
superficial, snotty little bitch.
Oh, really? Really, Kate? Oh!
Whatever! What... Ow!
Well, Jack,
I guess it's come down to this.
Whoever sinks their putt wins the match.
Frankly, I'm not worried.
Chandler, could I talk to you
for a moment?
Look, I don't know much about golf,
but I do know the difference between
a 50-foot putt and a two-foot putt.
It's always been my experience
to go with the guy closer to the hole.
- You're my kind of guy.
- Thank you.
- Can I give you some friendly advice?
- Yeah, all right.
- Have you tried putting with a wedgie?
- A wedgie?
Yeah. Oh, it's great.
All the pros are doing it.
- Would you like me to show you?
- Yeah.
See, what you do is you take your normal
stance, like you're putting the ball.
Just like that.
You never putted with a wedgie?
- No.
- You just take your stance.
And then... this is the wedgie!
Try putting with that
crammed up your crack.
Pop?
Pop.
I just wanted to say that
whether or not you sink this putt...
I love you.
I'm really sorry I've been acting
like such a jerk lately.
I guess that's what I get
for hanging round a bunch of fonzanoons.
I don't know what you thought.
Did you think you'd just walk out on me,
insult me, come back when you want?
Put your arms around me, tell me
"I love you" and I'll forget everything?
Yeah, that's the general idea.
You're right.
Ah-hah.
Sink your putt.
Now. Do it now. Now.
Now! Now!
- You can do it.
- Do it.
Now. Do it now.
Do it.
No!
Shh! He still might sink his putt.
If he does, we tie.
Father, a word.
This putt is very simple
and very straight.
Just tap it.
- Tap it.
- Just tap it.
A tiny, tiny tap.
- Tiny tap.
- A tiny, tiny, tiny tap.
- Lost ball, wouldn't you say?
- We win, you lose.
Hey, Chandler, nice touch.
Excuse me, Mr Something.
Might I trouble you for a scalpel, some
forceps or maybe even a pair of pliers?
You see, I had a little trouble
getting out of the roughs over there
and damn if I didn't
accidentally shoot myself
with a poison-tipped crossbow dart.
If I pull the arrow out,
will you please
suck out the poison for me?
Let me get this straight.
You pull it out, I suck?
Is there any money in it for me?
Oh, tough course.
It was a tiny tap.
Look at you,
you've burned your sweater.
Mother, how could you marry a man
with such a terrible short game?
Oh, shut up, Mary Frances.
Spoiled, snotty,
superficial little bitch.
What?
Todd. Todd.
Oh, drat, I guess this means
you won't be going to Bunny's brunch?
Hey, baby.
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!