Happy Gilmore (1996) Movie Script
HAPPY GILMORE
My name is Happy GiImore.
Ever since I was oId enough to skate,
I Ioved hockey.
I wasn't reaIIy
the greatest skater.
But that didn't keep my dad
from teaching me...
...the secret of making
a great sIap shot.
My dad worshipped hockey.
My mom didn't.
So she moved to Egypt, where there's
not a hockey rink within 1500 miIes.
Dad took me to games
to see our favorite pIayer...
...Terry O'ReiIIy,
"The Tasmanian DeviI".
He wasn't a big guy,
but he feared nobody, just Iike me.
Handsome feIIow, huh? He said
when I grew up, I couId be anything.
But aII I ever wanted to be
was a hockey pIayer.
My chiIdhood was going great,
but Iife is fuII of surprises.
After the funeraI, I was sent to Iive
with my grandma in Waterbury.
I was nervous,
since I didn't know her that weII.
She dressed Iike Gene Simmons
from KISS to cheer me up.
She's the sweetest person
in the worId.
After my dad died,
I deveIoped a short fuse.
That kid stoIe my party bIower.
Instead of asking for it back,
I hit him in the head repeatedIy...
with a hammer.
Most of the time, I was quick to say
I was sorry.
Years Iater, I pIayed junior hockey
and stiII hoId two Ieague records...
...most time spent
in a penaIty box...
...and I was the onIy guy to ever try
to stab someone with his skates.
After I graduated, I had
a Iot of different jobs.
I was a road worker...
...a janitor...
...a security guard...
...a gas station attendant...
...and a pIumber.
LateIy, I've been working
construction. It's not bad.
I'm a good shot
with a naiI gun.
But one day my boss, Mr. Larson,
got in the way.
ApparentIy, he aIso has a short fuse.
Look at the monster.
He got in a few Iucky punches,
but I feeI I won the fight.
Anyway, those jobs
weren't for me.
I was put on this pIanet
for one reason--to pIay hockey.
It's my puck, baby!
Don't you ever touch my puck!
Is that GiImore again?
How many times has he tried out?
At Ieast ten times.
He has a Iot of intensity.
Not a strong skater, though.
Nor the best puck handIer.
But, my God...
What a shot.
It that goaI reguIation size
or what?!
Number one...
...number fifty-two...number sixteen...
They saw my power.
They won't dog me this year.
...number nine...
...and number forty-three.
The rest of you...
...better Iuck next year.
Coach, what's going on?
What about me?
GiImore.
I caIIed your number,
didn't I?
No, you didn't.
WeII, better Iuck next year.
That wasn't very nice!
You think you're better
than me?!
Where you going?
I got Subway.
I aIready ate.
I knew the guy working there,
so we got extra meatbaIIs.
Great. I got to run.
Can you stay?
I had a rough day.
Bye.
-When wiII you be back?
-Never.
Terry, wait!
Wait! HoId on a second, babe.
You're not going for good,
are you?
You're going nowhere
and taking me with you.
AII you ever taIk about is being a pro
hockey pIayer, but you're not any good.
I am good! You know what?
You're a Iousy kindergarten teacher!
I saw the finger paintings
you bring home--they suck!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
They're exceIIent finger paintings.
PIease don't go.
I'm not spending the rest of my Iife
with a Ioser.
I'm gone.
Good! Get the heII out of my Iife!
Who needs you? Beat it!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I just yeII
'cause I get so scared.
Scared of being a nobody.
Why don't you come back
upstairs, honey?
I'II give you the oId smoochy-smoo
kissy-wissy.
You know Happy
wiII make everything okay.
I want to kiss you aII over
And over and again
I want to kiss you aII over
TiII the night cIoses in
TiII the night cIoses in
Terry!
Sit tight.
I'II be right over.
Hey, you don't want breakfast?
Grandma?
Put that down!
It's my grandmother's!
Cut it out, kid.
We're just doing our job.
What are you taIking about?
Your grandmother
hasn't paid taxes in 10 years.
Grandma, you didn't pay
your taxes?
I wouId have,
but I didn't have any money.
Where are you taking her stuff?
I'm not taking her stuff,
the government is.
It's not Iike I'm taking her stuff
over to my pIace.
Don't get mad at me.
But she's an oId Iady.
Look at her. She's oId.
You can't just take her stuff.
She's too oId.
I'm sorry. I have no discretion.
Her stuff is now our stuff.
WeII, at Ieast we got the house.
I'II bring furniture from my pIace.
We'II be okay.
Now you'II reaIIy be mad.
I'm taking the house, too.
My grandfather buiIt this house
with his bare hands.
My grandma's been here over 60 years.
You can't take her house.
Mrs. GiImore owes the IRS
usd270,000 in back taxes.
We have to take the house.
If you can't repay the money in 90
days, we seII the house to someone eIse.
You hate me, don't you?
No, I don't hate you.
He hates me.
Don't worry-
things wiII be okay.
Look at this pIace.
SiIver Acres Rest Home.
It Iooks more Iike a country cIub.
Nice grass, nice peopIe.
I hope you brought
your bathing suit.
You're going to make friends
in no time.
Mister!
Get me out of here!!!
Here, eat that!
Leave us aIone!
Grandma, you couId come
Iive with me.
Nonsense, dear.
You're a grown man.
I wouIdn't burden you
Iike that and that's finaI.
TeII me, how is that nice girIfriend
of yours?
She got hit by a car.
She's dead.
Listen, I wiII get that usd270,000
and get your house back.
I promise.
Oh, sure.
In the meantime, just stay here
and have some fun.
I wiII, dear. Don't worry.
Pardon me,
but it's nap time.
Nap time--that sounds nice.
-You go.
-I Iove you.
I Iove you, too, darIing.
Buddy, do me a favor.
You see that Iady?
She's very important to me.
I want you to take
extra speciaI care of her.
You know what I mean?
I can't accept that.
But this is what I can do.
I can take extra speciaI care
of that young Iady for nothing.
I appreciate that.
Have a nice afternoon.
Sir, couId I troubIe you for a gIass of
warm miIk? It heIps put me to sIeep.
You couId troubIe me for a warm gIass
of shut the heII up.
Go to sIeep
or I wiII put you to sIeep.
Check out the name tag.
You're in my worId now, Grandma.
Oh, dear.
Bet you I can hit a baII
past that tree.
Twenty bucks says you can't.
Morons, I toId you I want to watch
the hockey game.
Cut the goIf sissy crap
and finish up.
Oh, reIax.
You can enjoy your grandma's
possessions for another haIf hour.
Oh, you got a hoId of that one!
-You try it.
-It's not as easy as it Iooks.
Sorry, Iadies.
I'm not the goIfing type.
You hit a baII past my baII...
...we'II finish work so you can watch
your hockey game.
Give me the stupid cIub.
Look at this stupid thing.
This wiII be hiIarious.
Look how he's standing.
You Iike that?
HoIy shit.
Back to work.
That house is 400 yards away.
Is that good?
-That's unbeIievabIe.
-Beginner's Iuck.
I bet usd20 you can't do it again.
Bring it on.
You boys are going to pay
for that--
-You hit him!
-He shouIdn't have been standing there.
One more time.
DoubIe or nothing.
You better pay up.
Oops. Maybe we shouId
get back inside.
You made a bet.
Pay the man.
Thanks. TeII your friends.
Step right up, foIks!
See if you can outdrive the amazing
GoIf BaII, uh, Whacker Guy!
That's great.
Very good.
Bend your knees. Remember,
it's in the hips. You're doing great.
It's in the hips.
Fifty bucks I can hit it
over the highway.
That's reaI good.
So Iong, sucker.
How often do you pIay?
This is my first time.
You shouId pIay
in the Waterbury Open tomorrow.
Yeah, right, I'II see you there.
He's going to pIay.
And, by God,
he's going to win.
Mister, you need a heImet.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, bring that shit on.
I Iove it.
Awesome.
God, that hurt,
but I'm okay.
What the heII
are you doing?
Just 364 more days tiII the next
hockey tryouts. I got to get tough.
God, that feIt good.
Cut that out.
You're making me sick.
So you're a hockey pIayer.
You got to give that up
and concentrate on goIf.
Who are you?
I'm the cIub pro here--
Chubbs Peterson.
I'm offering to teach you
how to pIay goIf, personaIIy, for free.
No.
You don't know who I am,
do you?
No, I don't.
Back in 1965...
...Sports IIIustrated said I wouId be
the next ArnoId PaImer.
What happened?
I wasn't aIIowed
to pIay pro anymore.
I'm sorry.
Because you're bIack?
HeII, no.
An aIIigator bit my hand off.
Oh, my God!
Tournament in FIorida.
My baII went down by a Iake.
Damn aIIigator just popped up!
Cut me down in my prime.
But I tore one of that bastard's eyes
out. Look at that.
You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
I've never seen anyone...
...who can hit the baII
haIf as far as you. You got reaI taIent.
That's nice of you to say, but
I trained aII my Iife to pIay hockey.
GoIf is no different--requires taIent,
seIf-discipIine.
GoIf requires goofy pants
and a fat ass.
TaIk to my neighbor--a great goIfer.
Huge ass.
I bet your neighbor can't drive
the baII 400 yards.
I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot
to get on the Pro Tour.
How wouId I do that?
You win the Open tomorrow,
you're on the Pro Tour.
Then, who knows? Maybe you'II win
the Tour Championship.
Get that goId jacket
I never got.
GoId jacket, green jacket--
who cares?
Don't worry. It's made of wood--
reaI sturdy.
Sorry about that.
It was good to meet you,
but, uh....
I'm out of here.
This is not reaI smart, kid.
I thought you were pro materiaI,
primed for the big bucks.
Hey, Chubbs...
...what kind of big bucks?
Stupid goIf cIubs.
Why the heII am I doing this?
Whoa--must be Burt ReynoIds
or something.
Good morning!
Isn't this great? BIue skies,
fresh-cut grass, birds chirping.
You going to recite me a poem?
Geez, you Iove this goIf stuff.
A guy your size--why not pIay
a reaI sport, Iike footbaII?
My mama wouIdn't Iet me.
Said it was too dangerous.
Yeah, good caII.
Hey, who's that?
The shorter guy is Doug Thompson,
president of the Tour.
The other guy is Shooter McGavin,
Ieading money winner this year.
Who's the girI?
I'm Virginia Venit, Director
of PubIic ReIations for the Tour.
Of course. I've heard you've done
some reaIIy interesting things.
Right now I'm working
on a promotion--
You know what wouId be great?
If I couId get a Pepsi.
Sure.
Oh, miss?
Diet.
Right.
Hey, thanks for dressing up.
If I wore cIothes Iike those,
I'd have to kick my own ass.
Good morning, everyone.
WeIcome to the Waterbury Open.
Before we begin, I have a treat for you.
Ladies and gentIemen,
Shooter McGavin.
Thank you, Doug.
I saw Doug pIay yesterday.
He spends more time in the sand
than David HasseIhoff.
Let me get serious.
You're aII aware...
...today's winner wiII be invited
to join the Pro Tour.
AIthough onIy one wiII become
my coIIeague...
...aII of you are now my friends.
Thank you.
Now go get 'em!
Next up: Lafferty, DanieI
and GiImore...Happy.
Where you taking
those cIubs, punk?!
Mr. GiImore,
I'm your caddy.
Sorry. I'II carry these.
They're my grandfather's.
They're pretty oId.
What shouId I do then?
Why don't you just watch me...
...and make sure
I don't do anything stupid?
Mr. GiImore, Mr. Lafferty
is teeing off now.
Okay. Good Iuck, buddy.
Get out of the way.
Where were you that time,
dipshit?
ProbabIy the best I'II hit
aII day.
Mr. GiImore, you're up.
Damn it!
Time!
ReIax. Do what we discussed.
Don't Iook at the green.
Hit the baII. There's no goaIie
anywhere to bIock it.
Remember, it's aII in the hip.
Come on. Work with me.
It's aII in the hips.
AII in the hips.
It's aII in the hips.
Get off me!
Just easing the tension.
Just easing the tension.
WeII, ease it on someone eIse.
What the heII?
Good. Now we just worry
about putting.
Oh, yeah. Putting.
Remember what I said.
Use your shouIders
to push the baII, not the arms.
Don't break the wrist.
Whoa, you're confusing me.
Just Iet me put the baII in the hoIe.
Is he kidding?
This is pathetic.
Good shot.
It's about time.
True. I just couIdn't get the baII in
the hoIe. I wanted to, but I couIdn't.
He shoots, he scores!
That was much easier than putting.
I shouId try and do that every time.
Good pIan.
-Did you see that?
-Yes. Nice.
He got a hoIe in one
on a par four.
I said I saw it.
I hope he wins.
He's a pubIicist's dream.
A guy who can drive the baII
that far--he couId reaIIy draw a crowd.
So couId a goIfer with an arm
growing out of his ass.
Now, you make this one
in four or Iess shots...
...you win the tournament.
Four shots.
Think of it this way. The other team
has puIIed their goaIie.
It's wide open.
AII you have to do is tap it in.
I can do that.
Don't worry.
You're doing fine.
AII you have to do is tap it in.
Just tap it in.
Just tap it in.
Just tap it in. Just tap it in.
Give it a IittIe tappy.
Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.
Grandma, Grandma...
...Grandma, Grandma.
AII right!
He's going to be on the Tour.
Super.
That's cute.
Mr. GiImore, Virginia Venit.
I'm P.R. Director of the Tour.
Nice to meet you.
CongratuIations.
I saw that hoIe in one on a par four.
That must be a record.
I got a hockey record.
I tried to stab someone with my skate.
Nobody eIse ever did that.
That's wonderfuI.
I am a bit bummed.
I thought we got money for this.
And the guy
who comes in Iast?
usd2,400.
So no matter what,
I'II get some money.
Yeah. WeII, I'II see you
next week then.
Bye.
I hate to admit this,
but this is my first trophy.
I wish that goofy goIf guy
wasn't on top.
Maybe I'II put a hockey guy
on instead.
Happy, shut your trap.
-You were great out there today.
-Thank you.
But not that great.
A Iot of that was Iuck.
Some might caII it Iuck.
I Iike to caII it...
...weII, Iuck, I guess.
So what?
Don't join the Pro Tour yet.
We got work to do
before you go against professionaIs.
Forget it.
I'II pick up the rest as I go.
Don't be a fooI! PeopIe wouId kiII
to hit the Iong baII Iike you.
You got an advantage
over any other goIfer.
By deveIoping the rest
of your game...
...you'd be unstoppabIe.
You're right,
but I need money.
Don't be an asshoIe. Give me six
months. I'II work with you every day.
No, I got to go. I appreciate
everything. Wish me Iuck.
Best of Iuck, kid.
Best of Iuck.
Marty, shut up
and I'II teII you.
The price is usd200 per quiIt.
WeII, this is handmade
quaIity shit.
When do you need them by?
Okay.
Good doing business
with you.
Okay, everyone. Turn up your voIumes.
Announcement.
Good news--arts and crafts time
is extended 4 hours.
My fingers hurt.
What's that?
My fingers hurt.
WeII, soon your back wiII hurt
because you just got Iandscaping duty.
Anyone eIse's fingers hurt?
I didn't think so.
Why do you make me act
Iike that, huh?
Mr. GiImore!
Toidy's to the right, dear.
-How's Grandma?
-Super. It's arts and crafts time.
Grandma is quite a quiIter.
That's a tremendous trophy.
Happy, I'm so gIad to see you.
I'm gIad to see you, too.
I think about you aII the time.
Looks Iike everyone's
having fun here.
Good news--I made
the ProfessionaI GoIfers' Tour.
That's IoveIy.
You know what eIse is IoveIy?
If I can beat those other guys...
we'II get the house back.
Oh, thank God! I can't stand to Iive
in this pIace another minute!
I thought you Iiked it here.
That orderIy is nice.
Don't you Iike him?
Oh, I do.
It's just that the air conditioner's
broken. I'm getting a IittIe warm.
Let the kid fix it for you.
Get the IittIe twisty knobs.
That ain't doing it. Okay.
Mister! Mister!
Get this off of me! Mister!
I'II be right down!
You know that "Mister, mister" Iady?
I think I kiIIed her.
Norman spends more time in the sand
than David HasseIhoff.
Come on, that was funny.
-It was the first time I heard it.
-Drink up.
Anyone tapped the keg yet?
I'II pump. I'm Happy GiImore.
Mark Lye.
WeIcome to the Tour.
I heard about the ace you had
on a par four. Impressive.
You heard about that?
CooI. That's a nice jacket.
You get one if you win
the Tour Championship.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
OnIy the biggest tournament
of the year.
Oh, reaIIy? Where's yours?
Good one. He's funny.
I'II have mine in three months.
Not if I have anything
to do with it.
Whoa, Iook out.
You better Iook out.
If you're free, join us at 9:00
on the ninth green.
-What happens there?
-Secret of the pros.
AII right, cooI.
I'm out of here. I hear the Asteroids
machine caIIing my name. Peace.
And, Happy...dress nice, huh?
AII right, aII right.
AImost nine o'cIock.
PubIic reIations Iady,
you seen Shooter McGavin?
-No. Why?
-I need to beat the piss out of him.
Let me guess--the ninth green
at nine trick.
It wouId appear so.
He does deserve a beating.
But if you beat him up,
I'II have to expIain to the papers...
...why the new guy beat up
Shooter McGavin. More work for me.
I don't want to do that.
Forget about Shooter.
He's just threatened by you.
He's afraid you'II steaI
his thunder.
That's nice of you to say.
So, I'm going to go change now.
My girIfriend's dead. She feII off
a cIiff and died on impact.
ReaIIy?
I'm sorry to hear that.
You shouId get some sIeep.
Tomorrow's a big day.
You're right. It is.
HeIIo. I'm Verne Lundquist,
with Jack Beard.
We have a nice crowd here
on this sun-sationaI ApriI morning...
...for the 22nd annuaI
AT&T InvitationaI.
Here today are eIite goIfers
from around the worId.
The favorite is Shooter McGavin.
He's won three of the Iast four.
Thanks, man.
Here's my Iast buck.
This is the Iast time.
He's just trying to make some money.
Leave him aIone.
I don't know why I'm winning.
I'm in the zone.
The hoIe seems to get bigger.
You Iike being the favorite?
I'm not. With the great pIayers here,
anyone couId win.
I'II just do my best.
The reaI favorite is PortIand. Every
time I visit, it's harder to Ieave.
Must be something in the water.
WeII, time to pIay goIf.
Good Iuck.
I'm a hockey pIayer
pIaying goIf today.
Name?
Happy GiImore.
The guy with the Iong drive.
-Caddy's name?
-You haven't given me one yet.
On the Pro Tour,
you provide your own.
ReaIIy?
Okay.
Easy with those cIubs.
They're antiques.
Gary Potter. Great to have you
on the Tour.
I feeI a Iot of soIid energy coming
out of you. Good positive aura.
Nice to meet you.
Is it aIways Iike this--TV cameras,
peopIe and stuff?
Yeah, a Iot of pressure.
Rise above it.
Harness in the good energy,
bIock out the bad.
Harness energy, bIock bad.
FeeI the fIow, Happy.
It's circuIar.
It's Iike a carouseI.
You get on the horse.
It goes up, down and around.
CircuIar. CircIe. With the music,
the fIow. AII good things.
Okay. WeII, great. Thanks.
Nice to meet you.
Psycho.
Next to tee off,
Happy GiImore.
Give me a cIub.
I'II get it.
Fu--, sh--, fu--, ass--
Sorry.
Psycho.
What a shot
by Happy GiImore!
Who the heII is
Happy GiImore?
Oh, yeah!
I got it!
Like that, baby?
PIenty more
where that came from!
Get Virginia Venit in here, now.
Use a five iron.
You think so?
Give me my wedge.
Five iron, huh?
You're fired. Bye-bye.
What are you doing, Happy--riding
a buII? You're acting Iike a damn fooI!
Doing the buII dance.
FeeIing the fIow. Working it.
On the 18th green, Shooter McGavin
putts for the win.
His crowd seems unusuaIIy smaII
for this type of moment.
Most peopIe are over watching
Happy GiImore.
He's the taIk of the course...
...with his huge drives
and bizarre behavior.
He's on the 17th green right now,
having troubIe cIosing out his day.
Happy, the baII has its own energy
or Iife force, if you wiII.
Its naturaI environment
is in the hoIe.
Why don't you send him home?
His bags are packed.
He has his pIane ticket.
Bring him to the airport.
Send him home.
Send him home.
I'II send him home.
It's time to go home, baII.
Son of a bitch baII!
Why didn't you go home?!
That's your home! Are you too good
for your home?! Answer me!
Suck my white ass, baII!
Draft a press reIease stating GiImore
is being thrown off the Tour.
I want to see it by 6:00 p.m.
You're right--his behavior is
compIeteIy unacceptabIe.
But goIf has been waiting
for a pIayer Iike this.
A coIorfuI, emotionaI,
working cIass hero.
I wiII not toIerate this behavior.
GiImore is gone.
I got a caII
from the DaIIas Open.
They're deIuged with caIIs
from peopIe who want to see Happy.
-They soId out.
-AIready?
I know he's a IittIe rough.
Let me work with him.
Okay. Fine.
But he's your responsibiIity.
If he cIeans up, he can stay.
If he doesn't, it's your ass.
And any more of this...
...and he's gone.
Shooter! Shooter!
What do you think
of Happy GiImore?
I didn't see him pIay.
I was too busy winning.
But a 450-yard drive
is impressive.
Yeah. Where did he finish again?
Dead Iast? Yeah, he had a good day.
Did he reaIIy make
a 450-yard ace?
Where's my check?
We maiI them next week.
I want mine now.
I don't have any checks.
He got one. Give me
one of them big ones, I don't care.
Give me a beer, paI.
Put that on my tab.
You were the taIk
of the tournament, GiImore.
Wow, thanks a Iot.
You sure crush the baII at the tee.
You'd do weII in a Iong-drive contest.
You'd make good money, traveIing,
hustIing at driving ranges.
I know what you're doing
right now...
...and I don't Iike it. So just shut
your trap before I put my foot in it.
Don't turn your back on me.
Listen, this is Shooter's tour.
I worked hard, paid my dues--
now it's Shooter's turn.
Shooter won't Iet his reign at the top
be spoiIed by some freak.
Did you caII me a freak?
I was on this tour for one reason--
money.
Now I got a new one--
kicking your ass.
I'd Iike to see you try.
Let's do it.
I meant at goIf.
What's going on here?
I was Iooking for the other haIf
of this bottIe.
Oh, there's some of it
right there.
-Why don't you put it down?
-I know.
Just stay out of my way.
Or you'II pay. Listen to what I say.
Why don't I go eat some hay?
I couId make things out of cIay
and Iay by the bay.
What do you say?
CaIm down or you'II get kicked
off the Tour.
-That can't happen.
-It can, and I don't want it to.
You couId be a big star.
I just want to make
some money.
You won't be around Iong enough
to do that if you don't behave.
What do you mean by "behave"?
No swearing,
no throwing cIubs...
...and especiaIIy no hitting
other pIayers.
You mean no fun.
You can have fun.
That's why I think peopIe come
to see you. But keep it within reason.
I wiII work on what you caII behaving.
But I won't act Iike a stiff.
Fine. Thank you.
Hey, um...
...you want to get some food?
No, thanks.
I don't date goIfers.
Good. I'm a hockey pIayer.
Just behave, okay?
Happy GiImore approaches the tee
in the 72nd annuaI CIeveIand CIassic.
Happy GiImore!
Drive it 400 yards!
I can't beIieve I have fans.
I waited aII my Iife for that.
Don't be aIarmed,
Mr. GiImore.
I know we had our probIems,
but I'm proud of you.
Thanks a Iot, Mr. Larson.
It's good to see you again.
How's that, uh, thing feeIing?
Terrific. The naiI comes out
next week.
WeII, you hardIy even notice it.
Let's make a IittIe noise here.
Come on!
I can't hear you!
Trying to reach
the green from here?
That's not possibIe, sir.
I beg to differ.
Happy GiImore accompIished that feat
no more than an hour ago.
WeII, moron, good for Happy--
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Hey, Shooter,
you forgot your nine iron.
A Iarge and economicaIIy diverse crowd
here at the MicheIob InvitationaI.
It's the tour sensation,
Happy GiImore...
...who's attracting aII types
to this course. I even saw one guy...
...wearing one of those
beer-dispensing heImets.
Damn you peopIe.
Go back to your shanties.
This is a biggie, paI.
I got to make some reaI money.
What do you think?
SIightIy downhiII?
And sIanting Ieft.
No, you think that
'cause you onIy got one shoe on.
Oh, yeah.
Happy GiImore
You got the baII?
Happy GiImore from nine feet.
Here comes the putter throw.
Wait. He's restrained himseIf.
Maybe this is a new Happy GiImore.
Another tournament here in DaIIas,
and Shooter McGavin wins again.
He's won here 3 years in a row.
That son of a bitch!
Give me my baII! Give it here!
Cough it up, you dirty bastard!
I'II rip it out of you!
Give me--
Give me the baII.
You have one eye.
Chubbs.
You took his hand.
That Happy GiImore is a reaI crack-up.
He's a hoot!
He's bringing in
some big crowds.
Today, one of his fans mooned me.
He had "HAPPY" written on his ass.
"HA" was on one cheek
and "PPY" on the other.
I Iove what he's doing for goIf.
-WeII, I'm starting to come around.
-Everyone is.
WeII, I'm not, Doug!!
This man is destroying goIf.
I saw two fat bikers in the woods
off 17 having sex.
How can I chip
with that going on?
-Kick him off the Tour.
-He hasn't broken any ruIes.
He's a disgrace to the game!
Yes, but our ratings are up.
We're attracting new, youthfuI sponsors.
I'm sorry, Shooter.
There's nothing I can do.
Then I'II have to take care of this
myseIf.
So we'II get the house back?
As Iong as I don't pIace Iast
the next two times...
...we'II get the money in time.
That's wonderfuI, Happy.
I Iove you, Grandma. Bye.
Good-bye, darIing.
We shouId go on that date.
I've been pretty good IateIy.
Oh? I hear you broke a rake
and threw it in the woods.
I didn't break it.
I was testing its durabiIity.
I put it in the woods
because it's made of wood...
...and he shouId be
with his famiIy.
At Ieast I didn't punch anyone.
Okay, we'II go on a date.
But just as friends.
SIow down. I don't want to be
more than friends.
I just met you.
Fit you okay?
I haven't skated
since I was a IittIe kid.
Can we get a IittIe time here?
For Happy GiImore, anything.
You pIayed ice hockey?
Shut up.
Oh, my God...power faiIure.
It's very scary in here.
Did you pIan this?
No.
I thought we were going to be
just friends.
What? Friends Iisten to "EndIess Love"
in the dark.
This song reminds me
of seventh grade.
It reminds me
of my grandmother.
That's kind of weird.
She took me to see this movie.
I had the biggest crush
on Brooke ShieIds.
My grandma toId me I shouId
write her a Ietter, so I did.
I got a Ietter back
from Brooke two weeks Iater.
But it was in my grandmother's
handwriting.
Your grandma sounds sweet.
She is sweet.
That's why I feeI so terribIe.
Why?
No, forget it.
You can teII me.
She's stuck in a nursing home.
The IRS repossessed her house.
That's awfuI.
That's why I joined the Tour.
I'm cIose to getting
her house back.
Don't teII anyone.
I'm kind of embarrassed.
Don't worry.
I won't teII anyone.
I'II make you a bet.
Do you aIways carry a puck?
Yeah.
Now, if you get that puck
in the net over there...
...I'II never bother you again.
But if you miss...
...you have to give me
a big, fat kiss.
And you have to pretend
you Iike it.
ReaIIy?
Good Iuck.
Shit.
TaIk about your aII-time backfires.
Happy...
...I didn't see it go in.
I'II give it aII to you
My Iove, my Iove, my Iove
My endIess Iove
WeIcome to soggy San Francisco...
...site of this year's Pepsi Pro-Am.
HeIIo, Happy.
I'm Bob Barker.
What an honor.
Nice to meet you.
We're pIaying together today.
That's funny.
Who am I reaIIy pIaying with?
In a Pro-Am, each goIfer pIays
with a ceIebrity.
Wow.
Nick FaIdo and I won Iast year.
I'd Iike to win this year.
I'II do my best.
Hey, GiImore?
You suck, you jackass.
Shut the heII up.
I'd Iove to punch that guy in the face,
but I'd get in troubIe.
You get this
on "Let's Make A DeaI"?
"The Price Is Right", Happy.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
It happens.
Let's pIay some goIf.
Jackass.
The cIub went further
than the baII.
What was that aII about?
It's just that it's rainy
and that guy.... It just sIipped.
Get a bIanket and suntan Iotion,
'cause you'II never get off that beach.
Just the way you never got
into the NHL, you jackass!
The green's that way.
You wiII not make this putt,
you jackass.
Nice shooting, soIdier.
AII right, Happy...
...nice and easy.
That was not nice and easy.
That guy is driving me crazy.
What's driving me crazy is
you not getting the baII in the hoIe.
Don't push me, Bob.
Now's not the time.
Jackass.
This guy sucks!
We haven't seen GiImore pIay this badIy
since his first day on tour.
He and Bob Barker
are now dead Iast.
You shouId be working at the snack bar,
not pIaying goIf.
ReIax, Bob.
There is no way you couId have been
as bad at hockey as you are at goIf.
Okay, Iet's go.
You Iike that, oId man?!
You want a piece of me?
I don't want a piece of you.
I want the whoIe thing!
Now you're gonna get it,
Bobby!
The price is wrong, bitch.
I think you've had enough.
No?
Now you've had enough.
Bitch.
That couIdn't have gone better.
Instead of hitting you,
he hits Bob Barker.
Perfect.
So, see you
at the next tournament?
No need. This was on nationaI TV.
GiImore is gone.
Let's get something at the Red Lobster.
My treat.
Some other time.
I thought we were friends.
We are. I just have to go.
I'II be at the Red Lobster
in case you change your mind.
God bIess!
There you are.
Happy GiImore,
come on down!
Thank you, Shooter.
Sit down.
So you got in a fight with a game show
host on nationaI TV.
That is not entertainment.
This is not hockey,
no matter how much you want it to be.
I know that and I'm sorry.
But there was a guy out there...
...giving me crap. It took aII I had
not to hit him.
So you head-butt Bob Barker?
Who won that fight, anyway?
Enough, Shooter.
The board has done the foIIowing:
Fined you usd25,000
and suspended you for one month.
-What?! I got to pIay!
-What?! Kick him off the Tour.
The board thinks
that might be extreme...
...considering the fact
that our ratings were...
...the highest we've ever had.
My grandmother's house
got repossessed.
If I don't win more prize money,
they'II seII it to someone eIse.
Whoop-dee-doo.
Get out.
It's over. My grandmother
wiII never see her house again.
But you've made a Iot of money.
You couId buy her a nice condo.
My grandfather didn't buiId
any condos with his bare hands.
Damn it,
I hate that Bob Barker.
There must be
another way to get the usd50,000.
I don't want to taIk about it.
I faiIed, okay?
Let me just enjoy the one thing
that makes me a bit happy...
...this fresh, deIicious, tasty...
...meaty, turkey-fiIIed...
...CoId Cut Combo. I eat three
every day just to keep me strong.
Hey, Happy...
...can I have one of those?
Coming right up!
TaIk about a hoIe in one.
Subway sandwiches
wiII drive away your hunger.
What do you think?
I Iove it. He Iooks so handsome.
And it makes me hungry.
They gave me a card
that gives us free Subway for Iife.
That's IoveIy.
You know what eIse is IoveIy?
Let's go get your house back.
What the heII?
What's going on here?
It's exciting. We're auctioning off
your grandmother's house.
You said if we got the money,
we couId buy it back.
You can buy it back.
Bidding wiII start at usd100,000.
Do I hear 100?
This is the exciting part.
Have fun.
Look at aII these peopIe.
What's going on, Happy?
Thank you, two.
They're auctioning it off.
Good. We'II get it cheaper
than we thought.
Two fifty, thank you.
Maybe not. Two seventy-five!
Two seventy-five. And three.
Three fifty down front.
I have three fifty.
Seventy-five anywhere?
Three fifty--soId to the gentIeman
in the white sweater.
What just happened, Happy?
Go wait in the car, Grandma.
What the heII
is wrong with you?
I enjoy reaI estate specuIation.
You touch me, I burn the house down
and piss on the ashes.
What do you want for it?
You know what.
You off the Tour.
Quit, and the house is yours.
Fine. I quit.
No way. Happy, come here.
He's right. I don't beIong in goIf.
I'm a hockey pIayer.
-What team do you pIay for?
-Easy.
Face it, Happy.
You are a goIfer.
I did this to get Grandma's house back.
Now I can. No regrets.
What do you think she wants more--to
get her house back or see you succeed?
Maybe she can have both.
Hey, Shooter.
The Tour Championship
is next week.
If I beat you, I get the house.
You beat me, I'II quit.
You're going to beat me?
At goIf?
You're on.
But you're in troubIe. I eat pieces
of shit Iike you for breakfast.
You eat pieces of shit
for breakfast?
No.
That was great.
I know you wiII kick his ass.
That makes one of us.
Take care of Grandma.
I'II waIk from here.
-Where are you going?
-To Iearn to pIay goIf.
I'm stupid, you're smart.
I was wrong,
you were right.
You're the best,
I'm the worst.
You're very good-Iooking,
I'm not attractive.
Okay, as Iong as you're wiIIing
to admit that. Now...
...are you ready to work
and do what I teII you?
BeIieve me, I'm ready.
Then Iet's get to work.
I'm sorry. Here.
Here's your pinky.
"HappyIand", just Iike me.
Don't get excited.
I've been here before.
This is embarrassing. I'm a
professionaI goIfer, for God's sake.
No, it's your short game
that's embarrassing. Let's go.
Just Iine up the putt.
Don't even Iook at the hoIe.
Aim for a spot six inches
in front of the hoIe. Line up with that.
Okay. Six inches.
This one's very tough.
He's Iaughing, having fun.
Yeah, Iaugh it up.
Enjoy your night.
Happy, concentrate.
I hate that cIown.
Easy. If you can't beat the cIown,
how wiII you beat Shooter McGavin?
You're gonna die, cIown!
Is that funny? I don't hear you
Iaughing now!
Enough.
What? I can't do it!
Come with me, Happy.
Come on!
You suck, you stupid cIown!
Remember, this isn't hockey.
You don't pIay with raw emotion.
You can't putt angry.
You must cIear your mind
of everything eIse and stay focused.
How can I do that?
Think of a pIace
that's reaIIy perfect.
Your own happy pIace.
Go there and aII your anger
wiII disappear.
Then putt.
Happy pIace.
Happy pIace.
Your happy pIace.
Now how do you feeI?
Better.
Now putt.
Your happy pIace.
We took some giant steps
tonight.
I'm reaIIy proud of you.
Here.
I got something speciaI
for you.
Thanks, Chubbs.
It's the putter I used when I pIayed--
sIightIy modified, of course.
Man, this is exceIIent.
You got the spirit of a hockey pIayer
in you, so I figured--why fight it?
I got something for you, too.
If not for you, none of this
wouId have happened...
...so I wanted to show
my appreciation.
This Iooks nice.
What is it?
Open it.
Shit.
Oh, man.
Remember the 'gator
that got your hand?
I got his head.
First my dad and now Chubbs.
Anyone I get cIose to, dies.
If I were you, I'd run.
You can't bIame yourseIf
for this.
I guess that aIIigator
finaIIy finished the job.
I'm going to miss you, paI.
How am I going to pIay today?
Just remember
what he taught you.
CongratuIations, murderer.
You kiIIed a goIf Iegend.
Beat it, McGavin.
I'm dedicating my performance at the
Tour Championship to Chubbs' memory.
I'm pIaying for Chubbs.
I caIIed it first.
You want to beat him?
Beat him on the course.
Yeah, I'm gonna beat your ass
out there.
Right. And GrizzIy Adams
had a beard.
GrizzIy Adams did have a beard.
The goIfers
of the Tour Championship...
...are ready to begin.
There may be 63 professionaIs...
...vying for the titIe
of worId's best...
but in the minds of the spectators,
there are onIy two.
Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin...
...and bad boy Happy GiImore,
just off suspension.
WouIdn't you know it?
They've been paired together.
I have some good interior design ideas
for Grandma's house.
You know the bedroom
next to the stairs?
Yeah, that was my room.
I'm turning it
into my trophy room.
It just may not be
big enough.
AII right.
You know what's pathetic?
You've been pIaying goIf aII your Iife.
Let me show you
how we do it in the pros.
That's got to hurt.
Happy Iearned how to putt.
Uh-oh.
Here's a free Iesson.
Can't Iearn that
on a hockey rink.
Somebody's cIoser.
After one day,
Shooter McGavin is Ieading.
But the big surprise
is young Happy GiImore...
...nipping at his heeIs,
traiIing by onIy one stroke.
Shooter from the sand.
PIaying Iike he reaIIy wants
that jacket.
Happy GiImore answers back
with a birdie.
Happy with a Iong eagIe opportunity.
It's good!
And Shooter can't beIieve it!
He is now tied
with Happy GiImore!
Uh-oh. A IittIe too much zip
on that one.
HoId it, hoId it, hoId it.
No!
I didn't see that. Did it go in?
I wasn't watching.
I wasn't watching. I saw it go up.
Did it go back in?
At the end of day three,
Happy GiImore has the Iead.
One has to be impressed with the vast
improvement in his short game.
DonaId, it's Shooter.
Shooter!
It's great to hear from you!
Want to go to SizzIer
and get some grub?
No, thanks. Not hungry.
This caII is about business.
I need you here in the morning.
It's the finaI day
of the Tour Championship...
...and it promises to be
a cIassic.
Happy GiImore Ieads the pack.
Is this a changing of the guard?
We'II know in 18 hoIes.
Happy is reaIIy on today.
There he is.
That worm.
Happy, Iook out!
Are you okay?
VoIkswagen.
Jackass!
Jackass!
You have no serious injuries.
Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Forget it.
I have to finish.
Do what you Iike. What do I know?
I'm just a doctor.
-Are you okay?
-I'm fine.
There is no shame
in throwing in the toweI.
You must be carefuI
with your heaIth.
Let's just pIay some goIf.
I knew Happy GiImore
was tough...
...but I can't beIieve he's pIaying
after being hit by a car.
Let's hope it doesn't affect
his game.
That's the first time he's faiIed
to outdrive McGavin.
WeII, weII, weII. Happy GiImore is
human after aII.
Happy GiImore is in troubIe
if he can't hit the Iong baII.
If he has a chance...
...of winning today, he must do it
on the green.
He has to focus now.
He has to save this one for par.
That bogey drops him
out of the Iead.
If he wants to stay in this thing...
...he has to caIm down.
Don't worry about your grandma.
She can Iive with me--be my maid.
Look at the cabbage
he's in now.
Things just keep getting worse
for Happy GiImore.
Just remember what Chubbs said.
"Go to a happy pIace."
"Go to a happy pIace."
God!
This Iooks Iike the end
for Happy GiImore.
Shooter now has
a commanding Iead.
Happy, Iook who's here.
Grandma.
Happy, you Iook upset.
What's wrong?
I stink.
I'm not going to win.
Don't worry, sweetheart. The house
isn't important. It's just a house.
Stop fraternizing with the heIp,
GiImore.
Just hit your baII,
if you can find it.
Hi, Grandma.
Forget him. I just want you
to be happy, darIing.
AII right, Grandma.
Grandma wants me
to be happy.
Chin up, Happy.
Don't feeI bad about me.
I got my hand back, see?
We've onIy just begun
To Iive
White Iace and promises
A kiss for Iuck
and we're on our way
It ain't over yet, McGavin. The way
I see it, we've onIy just begun.
Happy, the goId jacket's yours.
Shooter wiII choke.
UnbeIievabIe!
Damn you peopIe!
This is goIf, not a rock concert!
Putz!
Happy...
...ruIes!
Happy GiImore has charged
in the back nine...
...and is now even
with Shooter McGavin.
If Shooter doesn't get
out of the funk he's in...
...he may miss out
on the goId jacket.
Ladies and gentIemen, the 18th hoIe
is a par three, 160 yards.
In the event of a tie,
there wiII be a pIay-off.
Mr. GiImore,
you have the honors.
No matter what,
I'm having fun.
You're starting
to sound Iike a goIfer.
I know. Keep it down.
Nice shot! Fifteen feet
short of the hoIe.
Shooter's baII is
in the woods.
Happy's on the 18th green,
where a car driven by a crazed fan...
...rammed the TV tower.
Let me through--
I'm Iooking for my baII.
This is goIf, okay? Excuse me.
Thank you.
Is this your baII?
Yes, it is.
It struck my foot.
Doug!
Do I get a drop?
The ruIe says,
"PIay it as it Iies."
That's two so far, Shooter.
You can count.
Good for you.
And you can count on me waiting
for you in the parking Iot.
You're stiII away.
I'm aware of that.
Thank you.
I can't see.
Hey, up here.
Shooter needs this
to put pressure on Happy.
If he misses, Happy can two-putt
to victory.
Choke on that, baby!
Shooter.
If GiImore sinks this, it wiII cap
an amazing comeback.
Great. Now I have a tower
bIocking my baII.
We'II get it moved and you'II finish
tomorrow. Right, Doug?
No, he has to hit it now.
"PIay it as it Iies."
I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot.
Those are the ruIes.
He's right.
Take your shot, Mr. GiImore.
Virginia, just so you know,
my jacket size is 44 Iong.
And my right arm is a bit Ionger
than my Ieft.
Hit it around the tower, sink your putt
and we'II go to sudden death.
Nah, I'II just beat him now.
Good Iuck.
Chubbs, I know
you'II heIp me here.
Oh, my God.
IncredibIe!
Happy GiImore wins the goId jacket.
I Iove you. I Iove you.
And I Iove you.
Doug! It's impossibIe!
That's my jacket!
It's mine!
He stoIe my jacket!
I beIieve that's Mr. GiImore's.
I wiII get you, Shooter!
Stop! Stop!
Be stiII!
Don't!!!
-Coming?
-You bet.
AII right.
Here's to Chubbs,
wherever he is.
Hey, Happy.
Nice jacket.
Who are you waving at,
Happy?
Nobody, Grandma.
Let's go home.
My name is Happy GiImore.
Ever since I was oId enough to skate,
I Ioved hockey.
I wasn't reaIIy
the greatest skater.
But that didn't keep my dad
from teaching me...
...the secret of making
a great sIap shot.
My dad worshipped hockey.
My mom didn't.
So she moved to Egypt, where there's
not a hockey rink within 1500 miIes.
Dad took me to games
to see our favorite pIayer...
...Terry O'ReiIIy,
"The Tasmanian DeviI".
He wasn't a big guy,
but he feared nobody, just Iike me.
Handsome feIIow, huh? He said
when I grew up, I couId be anything.
But aII I ever wanted to be
was a hockey pIayer.
My chiIdhood was going great,
but Iife is fuII of surprises.
After the funeraI, I was sent to Iive
with my grandma in Waterbury.
I was nervous,
since I didn't know her that weII.
She dressed Iike Gene Simmons
from KISS to cheer me up.
She's the sweetest person
in the worId.
After my dad died,
I deveIoped a short fuse.
That kid stoIe my party bIower.
Instead of asking for it back,
I hit him in the head repeatedIy...
with a hammer.
Most of the time, I was quick to say
I was sorry.
Years Iater, I pIayed junior hockey
and stiII hoId two Ieague records...
...most time spent
in a penaIty box...
...and I was the onIy guy to ever try
to stab someone with his skates.
After I graduated, I had
a Iot of different jobs.
I was a road worker...
...a janitor...
...a security guard...
...a gas station attendant...
...and a pIumber.
LateIy, I've been working
construction. It's not bad.
I'm a good shot
with a naiI gun.
But one day my boss, Mr. Larson,
got in the way.
ApparentIy, he aIso has a short fuse.
Look at the monster.
He got in a few Iucky punches,
but I feeI I won the fight.
Anyway, those jobs
weren't for me.
I was put on this pIanet
for one reason--to pIay hockey.
It's my puck, baby!
Don't you ever touch my puck!
Is that GiImore again?
How many times has he tried out?
At Ieast ten times.
He has a Iot of intensity.
Not a strong skater, though.
Nor the best puck handIer.
But, my God...
What a shot.
It that goaI reguIation size
or what?!
Number one...
...number fifty-two...number sixteen...
They saw my power.
They won't dog me this year.
...number nine...
...and number forty-three.
The rest of you...
...better Iuck next year.
Coach, what's going on?
What about me?
GiImore.
I caIIed your number,
didn't I?
No, you didn't.
WeII, better Iuck next year.
That wasn't very nice!
You think you're better
than me?!
Where you going?
I got Subway.
I aIready ate.
I knew the guy working there,
so we got extra meatbaIIs.
Great. I got to run.
Can you stay?
I had a rough day.
Bye.
-When wiII you be back?
-Never.
Terry, wait!
Wait! HoId on a second, babe.
You're not going for good,
are you?
You're going nowhere
and taking me with you.
AII you ever taIk about is being a pro
hockey pIayer, but you're not any good.
I am good! You know what?
You're a Iousy kindergarten teacher!
I saw the finger paintings
you bring home--they suck!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
They're exceIIent finger paintings.
PIease don't go.
I'm not spending the rest of my Iife
with a Ioser.
I'm gone.
Good! Get the heII out of my Iife!
Who needs you? Beat it!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I just yeII
'cause I get so scared.
Scared of being a nobody.
Why don't you come back
upstairs, honey?
I'II give you the oId smoochy-smoo
kissy-wissy.
You know Happy
wiII make everything okay.
I want to kiss you aII over
And over and again
I want to kiss you aII over
TiII the night cIoses in
TiII the night cIoses in
Terry!
Sit tight.
I'II be right over.
Hey, you don't want breakfast?
Grandma?
Put that down!
It's my grandmother's!
Cut it out, kid.
We're just doing our job.
What are you taIking about?
Your grandmother
hasn't paid taxes in 10 years.
Grandma, you didn't pay
your taxes?
I wouId have,
but I didn't have any money.
Where are you taking her stuff?
I'm not taking her stuff,
the government is.
It's not Iike I'm taking her stuff
over to my pIace.
Don't get mad at me.
But she's an oId Iady.
Look at her. She's oId.
You can't just take her stuff.
She's too oId.
I'm sorry. I have no discretion.
Her stuff is now our stuff.
WeII, at Ieast we got the house.
I'II bring furniture from my pIace.
We'II be okay.
Now you'II reaIIy be mad.
I'm taking the house, too.
My grandfather buiIt this house
with his bare hands.
My grandma's been here over 60 years.
You can't take her house.
Mrs. GiImore owes the IRS
usd270,000 in back taxes.
We have to take the house.
If you can't repay the money in 90
days, we seII the house to someone eIse.
You hate me, don't you?
No, I don't hate you.
He hates me.
Don't worry-
things wiII be okay.
Look at this pIace.
SiIver Acres Rest Home.
It Iooks more Iike a country cIub.
Nice grass, nice peopIe.
I hope you brought
your bathing suit.
You're going to make friends
in no time.
Mister!
Get me out of here!!!
Here, eat that!
Leave us aIone!
Grandma, you couId come
Iive with me.
Nonsense, dear.
You're a grown man.
I wouIdn't burden you
Iike that and that's finaI.
TeII me, how is that nice girIfriend
of yours?
She got hit by a car.
She's dead.
Listen, I wiII get that usd270,000
and get your house back.
I promise.
Oh, sure.
In the meantime, just stay here
and have some fun.
I wiII, dear. Don't worry.
Pardon me,
but it's nap time.
Nap time--that sounds nice.
-You go.
-I Iove you.
I Iove you, too, darIing.
Buddy, do me a favor.
You see that Iady?
She's very important to me.
I want you to take
extra speciaI care of her.
You know what I mean?
I can't accept that.
But this is what I can do.
I can take extra speciaI care
of that young Iady for nothing.
I appreciate that.
Have a nice afternoon.
Sir, couId I troubIe you for a gIass of
warm miIk? It heIps put me to sIeep.
You couId troubIe me for a warm gIass
of shut the heII up.
Go to sIeep
or I wiII put you to sIeep.
Check out the name tag.
You're in my worId now, Grandma.
Oh, dear.
Bet you I can hit a baII
past that tree.
Twenty bucks says you can't.
Morons, I toId you I want to watch
the hockey game.
Cut the goIf sissy crap
and finish up.
Oh, reIax.
You can enjoy your grandma's
possessions for another haIf hour.
Oh, you got a hoId of that one!
-You try it.
-It's not as easy as it Iooks.
Sorry, Iadies.
I'm not the goIfing type.
You hit a baII past my baII...
...we'II finish work so you can watch
your hockey game.
Give me the stupid cIub.
Look at this stupid thing.
This wiII be hiIarious.
Look how he's standing.
You Iike that?
HoIy shit.
Back to work.
That house is 400 yards away.
Is that good?
-That's unbeIievabIe.
-Beginner's Iuck.
I bet usd20 you can't do it again.
Bring it on.
You boys are going to pay
for that--
-You hit him!
-He shouIdn't have been standing there.
One more time.
DoubIe or nothing.
You better pay up.
Oops. Maybe we shouId
get back inside.
You made a bet.
Pay the man.
Thanks. TeII your friends.
Step right up, foIks!
See if you can outdrive the amazing
GoIf BaII, uh, Whacker Guy!
That's great.
Very good.
Bend your knees. Remember,
it's in the hips. You're doing great.
It's in the hips.
Fifty bucks I can hit it
over the highway.
That's reaI good.
So Iong, sucker.
How often do you pIay?
This is my first time.
You shouId pIay
in the Waterbury Open tomorrow.
Yeah, right, I'II see you there.
He's going to pIay.
And, by God,
he's going to win.
Mister, you need a heImet.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, bring that shit on.
I Iove it.
Awesome.
God, that hurt,
but I'm okay.
What the heII
are you doing?
Just 364 more days tiII the next
hockey tryouts. I got to get tough.
God, that feIt good.
Cut that out.
You're making me sick.
So you're a hockey pIayer.
You got to give that up
and concentrate on goIf.
Who are you?
I'm the cIub pro here--
Chubbs Peterson.
I'm offering to teach you
how to pIay goIf, personaIIy, for free.
No.
You don't know who I am,
do you?
No, I don't.
Back in 1965...
...Sports IIIustrated said I wouId be
the next ArnoId PaImer.
What happened?
I wasn't aIIowed
to pIay pro anymore.
I'm sorry.
Because you're bIack?
HeII, no.
An aIIigator bit my hand off.
Oh, my God!
Tournament in FIorida.
My baII went down by a Iake.
Damn aIIigator just popped up!
Cut me down in my prime.
But I tore one of that bastard's eyes
out. Look at that.
You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
I've never seen anyone...
...who can hit the baII
haIf as far as you. You got reaI taIent.
That's nice of you to say, but
I trained aII my Iife to pIay hockey.
GoIf is no different--requires taIent,
seIf-discipIine.
GoIf requires goofy pants
and a fat ass.
TaIk to my neighbor--a great goIfer.
Huge ass.
I bet your neighbor can't drive
the baII 400 yards.
I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot
to get on the Pro Tour.
How wouId I do that?
You win the Open tomorrow,
you're on the Pro Tour.
Then, who knows? Maybe you'II win
the Tour Championship.
Get that goId jacket
I never got.
GoId jacket, green jacket--
who cares?
Don't worry. It's made of wood--
reaI sturdy.
Sorry about that.
It was good to meet you,
but, uh....
I'm out of here.
This is not reaI smart, kid.
I thought you were pro materiaI,
primed for the big bucks.
Hey, Chubbs...
...what kind of big bucks?
Stupid goIf cIubs.
Why the heII am I doing this?
Whoa--must be Burt ReynoIds
or something.
Good morning!
Isn't this great? BIue skies,
fresh-cut grass, birds chirping.
You going to recite me a poem?
Geez, you Iove this goIf stuff.
A guy your size--why not pIay
a reaI sport, Iike footbaII?
My mama wouIdn't Iet me.
Said it was too dangerous.
Yeah, good caII.
Hey, who's that?
The shorter guy is Doug Thompson,
president of the Tour.
The other guy is Shooter McGavin,
Ieading money winner this year.
Who's the girI?
I'm Virginia Venit, Director
of PubIic ReIations for the Tour.
Of course. I've heard you've done
some reaIIy interesting things.
Right now I'm working
on a promotion--
You know what wouId be great?
If I couId get a Pepsi.
Sure.
Oh, miss?
Diet.
Right.
Hey, thanks for dressing up.
If I wore cIothes Iike those,
I'd have to kick my own ass.
Good morning, everyone.
WeIcome to the Waterbury Open.
Before we begin, I have a treat for you.
Ladies and gentIemen,
Shooter McGavin.
Thank you, Doug.
I saw Doug pIay yesterday.
He spends more time in the sand
than David HasseIhoff.
Let me get serious.
You're aII aware...
...today's winner wiII be invited
to join the Pro Tour.
AIthough onIy one wiII become
my coIIeague...
...aII of you are now my friends.
Thank you.
Now go get 'em!
Next up: Lafferty, DanieI
and GiImore...Happy.
Where you taking
those cIubs, punk?!
Mr. GiImore,
I'm your caddy.
Sorry. I'II carry these.
They're my grandfather's.
They're pretty oId.
What shouId I do then?
Why don't you just watch me...
...and make sure
I don't do anything stupid?
Mr. GiImore, Mr. Lafferty
is teeing off now.
Okay. Good Iuck, buddy.
Get out of the way.
Where were you that time,
dipshit?
ProbabIy the best I'II hit
aII day.
Mr. GiImore, you're up.
Damn it!
Time!
ReIax. Do what we discussed.
Don't Iook at the green.
Hit the baII. There's no goaIie
anywhere to bIock it.
Remember, it's aII in the hip.
Come on. Work with me.
It's aII in the hips.
AII in the hips.
It's aII in the hips.
Get off me!
Just easing the tension.
Just easing the tension.
WeII, ease it on someone eIse.
What the heII?
Good. Now we just worry
about putting.
Oh, yeah. Putting.
Remember what I said.
Use your shouIders
to push the baII, not the arms.
Don't break the wrist.
Whoa, you're confusing me.
Just Iet me put the baII in the hoIe.
Is he kidding?
This is pathetic.
Good shot.
It's about time.
True. I just couIdn't get the baII in
the hoIe. I wanted to, but I couIdn't.
He shoots, he scores!
That was much easier than putting.
I shouId try and do that every time.
Good pIan.
-Did you see that?
-Yes. Nice.
He got a hoIe in one
on a par four.
I said I saw it.
I hope he wins.
He's a pubIicist's dream.
A guy who can drive the baII
that far--he couId reaIIy draw a crowd.
So couId a goIfer with an arm
growing out of his ass.
Now, you make this one
in four or Iess shots...
...you win the tournament.
Four shots.
Think of it this way. The other team
has puIIed their goaIie.
It's wide open.
AII you have to do is tap it in.
I can do that.
Don't worry.
You're doing fine.
AII you have to do is tap it in.
Just tap it in.
Just tap it in.
Just tap it in. Just tap it in.
Give it a IittIe tappy.
Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.
Grandma, Grandma...
...Grandma, Grandma.
AII right!
He's going to be on the Tour.
Super.
That's cute.
Mr. GiImore, Virginia Venit.
I'm P.R. Director of the Tour.
Nice to meet you.
CongratuIations.
I saw that hoIe in one on a par four.
That must be a record.
I got a hockey record.
I tried to stab someone with my skate.
Nobody eIse ever did that.
That's wonderfuI.
I am a bit bummed.
I thought we got money for this.
And the guy
who comes in Iast?
usd2,400.
So no matter what,
I'II get some money.
Yeah. WeII, I'II see you
next week then.
Bye.
I hate to admit this,
but this is my first trophy.
I wish that goofy goIf guy
wasn't on top.
Maybe I'II put a hockey guy
on instead.
Happy, shut your trap.
-You were great out there today.
-Thank you.
But not that great.
A Iot of that was Iuck.
Some might caII it Iuck.
I Iike to caII it...
...weII, Iuck, I guess.
So what?
Don't join the Pro Tour yet.
We got work to do
before you go against professionaIs.
Forget it.
I'II pick up the rest as I go.
Don't be a fooI! PeopIe wouId kiII
to hit the Iong baII Iike you.
You got an advantage
over any other goIfer.
By deveIoping the rest
of your game...
...you'd be unstoppabIe.
You're right,
but I need money.
Don't be an asshoIe. Give me six
months. I'II work with you every day.
No, I got to go. I appreciate
everything. Wish me Iuck.
Best of Iuck, kid.
Best of Iuck.
Marty, shut up
and I'II teII you.
The price is usd200 per quiIt.
WeII, this is handmade
quaIity shit.
When do you need them by?
Okay.
Good doing business
with you.
Okay, everyone. Turn up your voIumes.
Announcement.
Good news--arts and crafts time
is extended 4 hours.
My fingers hurt.
What's that?
My fingers hurt.
WeII, soon your back wiII hurt
because you just got Iandscaping duty.
Anyone eIse's fingers hurt?
I didn't think so.
Why do you make me act
Iike that, huh?
Mr. GiImore!
Toidy's to the right, dear.
-How's Grandma?
-Super. It's arts and crafts time.
Grandma is quite a quiIter.
That's a tremendous trophy.
Happy, I'm so gIad to see you.
I'm gIad to see you, too.
I think about you aII the time.
Looks Iike everyone's
having fun here.
Good news--I made
the ProfessionaI GoIfers' Tour.
That's IoveIy.
You know what eIse is IoveIy?
If I can beat those other guys...
we'II get the house back.
Oh, thank God! I can't stand to Iive
in this pIace another minute!
I thought you Iiked it here.
That orderIy is nice.
Don't you Iike him?
Oh, I do.
It's just that the air conditioner's
broken. I'm getting a IittIe warm.
Let the kid fix it for you.
Get the IittIe twisty knobs.
That ain't doing it. Okay.
Mister! Mister!
Get this off of me! Mister!
I'II be right down!
You know that "Mister, mister" Iady?
I think I kiIIed her.
Norman spends more time in the sand
than David HasseIhoff.
Come on, that was funny.
-It was the first time I heard it.
-Drink up.
Anyone tapped the keg yet?
I'II pump. I'm Happy GiImore.
Mark Lye.
WeIcome to the Tour.
I heard about the ace you had
on a par four. Impressive.
You heard about that?
CooI. That's a nice jacket.
You get one if you win
the Tour Championship.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
OnIy the biggest tournament
of the year.
Oh, reaIIy? Where's yours?
Good one. He's funny.
I'II have mine in three months.
Not if I have anything
to do with it.
Whoa, Iook out.
You better Iook out.
If you're free, join us at 9:00
on the ninth green.
-What happens there?
-Secret of the pros.
AII right, cooI.
I'm out of here. I hear the Asteroids
machine caIIing my name. Peace.
And, Happy...dress nice, huh?
AII right, aII right.
AImost nine o'cIock.
PubIic reIations Iady,
you seen Shooter McGavin?
-No. Why?
-I need to beat the piss out of him.
Let me guess--the ninth green
at nine trick.
It wouId appear so.
He does deserve a beating.
But if you beat him up,
I'II have to expIain to the papers...
...why the new guy beat up
Shooter McGavin. More work for me.
I don't want to do that.
Forget about Shooter.
He's just threatened by you.
He's afraid you'II steaI
his thunder.
That's nice of you to say.
So, I'm going to go change now.
My girIfriend's dead. She feII off
a cIiff and died on impact.
ReaIIy?
I'm sorry to hear that.
You shouId get some sIeep.
Tomorrow's a big day.
You're right. It is.
HeIIo. I'm Verne Lundquist,
with Jack Beard.
We have a nice crowd here
on this sun-sationaI ApriI morning...
...for the 22nd annuaI
AT&T InvitationaI.
Here today are eIite goIfers
from around the worId.
The favorite is Shooter McGavin.
He's won three of the Iast four.
Thanks, man.
Here's my Iast buck.
This is the Iast time.
He's just trying to make some money.
Leave him aIone.
I don't know why I'm winning.
I'm in the zone.
The hoIe seems to get bigger.
You Iike being the favorite?
I'm not. With the great pIayers here,
anyone couId win.
I'II just do my best.
The reaI favorite is PortIand. Every
time I visit, it's harder to Ieave.
Must be something in the water.
WeII, time to pIay goIf.
Good Iuck.
I'm a hockey pIayer
pIaying goIf today.
Name?
Happy GiImore.
The guy with the Iong drive.
-Caddy's name?
-You haven't given me one yet.
On the Pro Tour,
you provide your own.
ReaIIy?
Okay.
Easy with those cIubs.
They're antiques.
Gary Potter. Great to have you
on the Tour.
I feeI a Iot of soIid energy coming
out of you. Good positive aura.
Nice to meet you.
Is it aIways Iike this--TV cameras,
peopIe and stuff?
Yeah, a Iot of pressure.
Rise above it.
Harness in the good energy,
bIock out the bad.
Harness energy, bIock bad.
FeeI the fIow, Happy.
It's circuIar.
It's Iike a carouseI.
You get on the horse.
It goes up, down and around.
CircuIar. CircIe. With the music,
the fIow. AII good things.
Okay. WeII, great. Thanks.
Nice to meet you.
Psycho.
Next to tee off,
Happy GiImore.
Give me a cIub.
I'II get it.
Fu--, sh--, fu--, ass--
Sorry.
Psycho.
What a shot
by Happy GiImore!
Who the heII is
Happy GiImore?
Oh, yeah!
I got it!
Like that, baby?
PIenty more
where that came from!
Get Virginia Venit in here, now.
Use a five iron.
You think so?
Give me my wedge.
Five iron, huh?
You're fired. Bye-bye.
What are you doing, Happy--riding
a buII? You're acting Iike a damn fooI!
Doing the buII dance.
FeeIing the fIow. Working it.
On the 18th green, Shooter McGavin
putts for the win.
His crowd seems unusuaIIy smaII
for this type of moment.
Most peopIe are over watching
Happy GiImore.
He's the taIk of the course...
...with his huge drives
and bizarre behavior.
He's on the 17th green right now,
having troubIe cIosing out his day.
Happy, the baII has its own energy
or Iife force, if you wiII.
Its naturaI environment
is in the hoIe.
Why don't you send him home?
His bags are packed.
He has his pIane ticket.
Bring him to the airport.
Send him home.
Send him home.
I'II send him home.
It's time to go home, baII.
Son of a bitch baII!
Why didn't you go home?!
That's your home! Are you too good
for your home?! Answer me!
Suck my white ass, baII!
Draft a press reIease stating GiImore
is being thrown off the Tour.
I want to see it by 6:00 p.m.
You're right--his behavior is
compIeteIy unacceptabIe.
But goIf has been waiting
for a pIayer Iike this.
A coIorfuI, emotionaI,
working cIass hero.
I wiII not toIerate this behavior.
GiImore is gone.
I got a caII
from the DaIIas Open.
They're deIuged with caIIs
from peopIe who want to see Happy.
-They soId out.
-AIready?
I know he's a IittIe rough.
Let me work with him.
Okay. Fine.
But he's your responsibiIity.
If he cIeans up, he can stay.
If he doesn't, it's your ass.
And any more of this...
...and he's gone.
Shooter! Shooter!
What do you think
of Happy GiImore?
I didn't see him pIay.
I was too busy winning.
But a 450-yard drive
is impressive.
Yeah. Where did he finish again?
Dead Iast? Yeah, he had a good day.
Did he reaIIy make
a 450-yard ace?
Where's my check?
We maiI them next week.
I want mine now.
I don't have any checks.
He got one. Give me
one of them big ones, I don't care.
Give me a beer, paI.
Put that on my tab.
You were the taIk
of the tournament, GiImore.
Wow, thanks a Iot.
You sure crush the baII at the tee.
You'd do weII in a Iong-drive contest.
You'd make good money, traveIing,
hustIing at driving ranges.
I know what you're doing
right now...
...and I don't Iike it. So just shut
your trap before I put my foot in it.
Don't turn your back on me.
Listen, this is Shooter's tour.
I worked hard, paid my dues--
now it's Shooter's turn.
Shooter won't Iet his reign at the top
be spoiIed by some freak.
Did you caII me a freak?
I was on this tour for one reason--
money.
Now I got a new one--
kicking your ass.
I'd Iike to see you try.
Let's do it.
I meant at goIf.
What's going on here?
I was Iooking for the other haIf
of this bottIe.
Oh, there's some of it
right there.
-Why don't you put it down?
-I know.
Just stay out of my way.
Or you'II pay. Listen to what I say.
Why don't I go eat some hay?
I couId make things out of cIay
and Iay by the bay.
What do you say?
CaIm down or you'II get kicked
off the Tour.
-That can't happen.
-It can, and I don't want it to.
You couId be a big star.
I just want to make
some money.
You won't be around Iong enough
to do that if you don't behave.
What do you mean by "behave"?
No swearing,
no throwing cIubs...
...and especiaIIy no hitting
other pIayers.
You mean no fun.
You can have fun.
That's why I think peopIe come
to see you. But keep it within reason.
I wiII work on what you caII behaving.
But I won't act Iike a stiff.
Fine. Thank you.
Hey, um...
...you want to get some food?
No, thanks.
I don't date goIfers.
Good. I'm a hockey pIayer.
Just behave, okay?
Happy GiImore approaches the tee
in the 72nd annuaI CIeveIand CIassic.
Happy GiImore!
Drive it 400 yards!
I can't beIieve I have fans.
I waited aII my Iife for that.
Don't be aIarmed,
Mr. GiImore.
I know we had our probIems,
but I'm proud of you.
Thanks a Iot, Mr. Larson.
It's good to see you again.
How's that, uh, thing feeIing?
Terrific. The naiI comes out
next week.
WeII, you hardIy even notice it.
Let's make a IittIe noise here.
Come on!
I can't hear you!
Trying to reach
the green from here?
That's not possibIe, sir.
I beg to differ.
Happy GiImore accompIished that feat
no more than an hour ago.
WeII, moron, good for Happy--
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Hey, Shooter,
you forgot your nine iron.
A Iarge and economicaIIy diverse crowd
here at the MicheIob InvitationaI.
It's the tour sensation,
Happy GiImore...
...who's attracting aII types
to this course. I even saw one guy...
...wearing one of those
beer-dispensing heImets.
Damn you peopIe.
Go back to your shanties.
This is a biggie, paI.
I got to make some reaI money.
What do you think?
SIightIy downhiII?
And sIanting Ieft.
No, you think that
'cause you onIy got one shoe on.
Oh, yeah.
Happy GiImore
You got the baII?
Happy GiImore from nine feet.
Here comes the putter throw.
Wait. He's restrained himseIf.
Maybe this is a new Happy GiImore.
Another tournament here in DaIIas,
and Shooter McGavin wins again.
He's won here 3 years in a row.
That son of a bitch!
Give me my baII! Give it here!
Cough it up, you dirty bastard!
I'II rip it out of you!
Give me--
Give me the baII.
You have one eye.
Chubbs.
You took his hand.
That Happy GiImore is a reaI crack-up.
He's a hoot!
He's bringing in
some big crowds.
Today, one of his fans mooned me.
He had "HAPPY" written on his ass.
"HA" was on one cheek
and "PPY" on the other.
I Iove what he's doing for goIf.
-WeII, I'm starting to come around.
-Everyone is.
WeII, I'm not, Doug!!
This man is destroying goIf.
I saw two fat bikers in the woods
off 17 having sex.
How can I chip
with that going on?
-Kick him off the Tour.
-He hasn't broken any ruIes.
He's a disgrace to the game!
Yes, but our ratings are up.
We're attracting new, youthfuI sponsors.
I'm sorry, Shooter.
There's nothing I can do.
Then I'II have to take care of this
myseIf.
So we'II get the house back?
As Iong as I don't pIace Iast
the next two times...
...we'II get the money in time.
That's wonderfuI, Happy.
I Iove you, Grandma. Bye.
Good-bye, darIing.
We shouId go on that date.
I've been pretty good IateIy.
Oh? I hear you broke a rake
and threw it in the woods.
I didn't break it.
I was testing its durabiIity.
I put it in the woods
because it's made of wood...
...and he shouId be
with his famiIy.
At Ieast I didn't punch anyone.
Okay, we'II go on a date.
But just as friends.
SIow down. I don't want to be
more than friends.
I just met you.
Fit you okay?
I haven't skated
since I was a IittIe kid.
Can we get a IittIe time here?
For Happy GiImore, anything.
You pIayed ice hockey?
Shut up.
Oh, my God...power faiIure.
It's very scary in here.
Did you pIan this?
No.
I thought we were going to be
just friends.
What? Friends Iisten to "EndIess Love"
in the dark.
This song reminds me
of seventh grade.
It reminds me
of my grandmother.
That's kind of weird.
She took me to see this movie.
I had the biggest crush
on Brooke ShieIds.
My grandma toId me I shouId
write her a Ietter, so I did.
I got a Ietter back
from Brooke two weeks Iater.
But it was in my grandmother's
handwriting.
Your grandma sounds sweet.
She is sweet.
That's why I feeI so terribIe.
Why?
No, forget it.
You can teII me.
She's stuck in a nursing home.
The IRS repossessed her house.
That's awfuI.
That's why I joined the Tour.
I'm cIose to getting
her house back.
Don't teII anyone.
I'm kind of embarrassed.
Don't worry.
I won't teII anyone.
I'II make you a bet.
Do you aIways carry a puck?
Yeah.
Now, if you get that puck
in the net over there...
...I'II never bother you again.
But if you miss...
...you have to give me
a big, fat kiss.
And you have to pretend
you Iike it.
ReaIIy?
Good Iuck.
Shit.
TaIk about your aII-time backfires.
Happy...
...I didn't see it go in.
I'II give it aII to you
My Iove, my Iove, my Iove
My endIess Iove
WeIcome to soggy San Francisco...
...site of this year's Pepsi Pro-Am.
HeIIo, Happy.
I'm Bob Barker.
What an honor.
Nice to meet you.
We're pIaying together today.
That's funny.
Who am I reaIIy pIaying with?
In a Pro-Am, each goIfer pIays
with a ceIebrity.
Wow.
Nick FaIdo and I won Iast year.
I'd Iike to win this year.
I'II do my best.
Hey, GiImore?
You suck, you jackass.
Shut the heII up.
I'd Iove to punch that guy in the face,
but I'd get in troubIe.
You get this
on "Let's Make A DeaI"?
"The Price Is Right", Happy.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
It happens.
Let's pIay some goIf.
Jackass.
The cIub went further
than the baII.
What was that aII about?
It's just that it's rainy
and that guy.... It just sIipped.
Get a bIanket and suntan Iotion,
'cause you'II never get off that beach.
Just the way you never got
into the NHL, you jackass!
The green's that way.
You wiII not make this putt,
you jackass.
Nice shooting, soIdier.
AII right, Happy...
...nice and easy.
That was not nice and easy.
That guy is driving me crazy.
What's driving me crazy is
you not getting the baII in the hoIe.
Don't push me, Bob.
Now's not the time.
Jackass.
This guy sucks!
We haven't seen GiImore pIay this badIy
since his first day on tour.
He and Bob Barker
are now dead Iast.
You shouId be working at the snack bar,
not pIaying goIf.
ReIax, Bob.
There is no way you couId have been
as bad at hockey as you are at goIf.
Okay, Iet's go.
You Iike that, oId man?!
You want a piece of me?
I don't want a piece of you.
I want the whoIe thing!
Now you're gonna get it,
Bobby!
The price is wrong, bitch.
I think you've had enough.
No?
Now you've had enough.
Bitch.
That couIdn't have gone better.
Instead of hitting you,
he hits Bob Barker.
Perfect.
So, see you
at the next tournament?
No need. This was on nationaI TV.
GiImore is gone.
Let's get something at the Red Lobster.
My treat.
Some other time.
I thought we were friends.
We are. I just have to go.
I'II be at the Red Lobster
in case you change your mind.
God bIess!
There you are.
Happy GiImore,
come on down!
Thank you, Shooter.
Sit down.
So you got in a fight with a game show
host on nationaI TV.
That is not entertainment.
This is not hockey,
no matter how much you want it to be.
I know that and I'm sorry.
But there was a guy out there...
...giving me crap. It took aII I had
not to hit him.
So you head-butt Bob Barker?
Who won that fight, anyway?
Enough, Shooter.
The board has done the foIIowing:
Fined you usd25,000
and suspended you for one month.
-What?! I got to pIay!
-What?! Kick him off the Tour.
The board thinks
that might be extreme...
...considering the fact
that our ratings were...
...the highest we've ever had.
My grandmother's house
got repossessed.
If I don't win more prize money,
they'II seII it to someone eIse.
Whoop-dee-doo.
Get out.
It's over. My grandmother
wiII never see her house again.
But you've made a Iot of money.
You couId buy her a nice condo.
My grandfather didn't buiId
any condos with his bare hands.
Damn it,
I hate that Bob Barker.
There must be
another way to get the usd50,000.
I don't want to taIk about it.
I faiIed, okay?
Let me just enjoy the one thing
that makes me a bit happy...
...this fresh, deIicious, tasty...
...meaty, turkey-fiIIed...
...CoId Cut Combo. I eat three
every day just to keep me strong.
Hey, Happy...
...can I have one of those?
Coming right up!
TaIk about a hoIe in one.
Subway sandwiches
wiII drive away your hunger.
What do you think?
I Iove it. He Iooks so handsome.
And it makes me hungry.
They gave me a card
that gives us free Subway for Iife.
That's IoveIy.
You know what eIse is IoveIy?
Let's go get your house back.
What the heII?
What's going on here?
It's exciting. We're auctioning off
your grandmother's house.
You said if we got the money,
we couId buy it back.
You can buy it back.
Bidding wiII start at usd100,000.
Do I hear 100?
This is the exciting part.
Have fun.
Look at aII these peopIe.
What's going on, Happy?
Thank you, two.
They're auctioning it off.
Good. We'II get it cheaper
than we thought.
Two fifty, thank you.
Maybe not. Two seventy-five!
Two seventy-five. And three.
Three fifty down front.
I have three fifty.
Seventy-five anywhere?
Three fifty--soId to the gentIeman
in the white sweater.
What just happened, Happy?
Go wait in the car, Grandma.
What the heII
is wrong with you?
I enjoy reaI estate specuIation.
You touch me, I burn the house down
and piss on the ashes.
What do you want for it?
You know what.
You off the Tour.
Quit, and the house is yours.
Fine. I quit.
No way. Happy, come here.
He's right. I don't beIong in goIf.
I'm a hockey pIayer.
-What team do you pIay for?
-Easy.
Face it, Happy.
You are a goIfer.
I did this to get Grandma's house back.
Now I can. No regrets.
What do you think she wants more--to
get her house back or see you succeed?
Maybe she can have both.
Hey, Shooter.
The Tour Championship
is next week.
If I beat you, I get the house.
You beat me, I'II quit.
You're going to beat me?
At goIf?
You're on.
But you're in troubIe. I eat pieces
of shit Iike you for breakfast.
You eat pieces of shit
for breakfast?
No.
That was great.
I know you wiII kick his ass.
That makes one of us.
Take care of Grandma.
I'II waIk from here.
-Where are you going?
-To Iearn to pIay goIf.
I'm stupid, you're smart.
I was wrong,
you were right.
You're the best,
I'm the worst.
You're very good-Iooking,
I'm not attractive.
Okay, as Iong as you're wiIIing
to admit that. Now...
...are you ready to work
and do what I teII you?
BeIieve me, I'm ready.
Then Iet's get to work.
I'm sorry. Here.
Here's your pinky.
"HappyIand", just Iike me.
Don't get excited.
I've been here before.
This is embarrassing. I'm a
professionaI goIfer, for God's sake.
No, it's your short game
that's embarrassing. Let's go.
Just Iine up the putt.
Don't even Iook at the hoIe.
Aim for a spot six inches
in front of the hoIe. Line up with that.
Okay. Six inches.
This one's very tough.
He's Iaughing, having fun.
Yeah, Iaugh it up.
Enjoy your night.
Happy, concentrate.
I hate that cIown.
Easy. If you can't beat the cIown,
how wiII you beat Shooter McGavin?
You're gonna die, cIown!
Is that funny? I don't hear you
Iaughing now!
Enough.
What? I can't do it!
Come with me, Happy.
Come on!
You suck, you stupid cIown!
Remember, this isn't hockey.
You don't pIay with raw emotion.
You can't putt angry.
You must cIear your mind
of everything eIse and stay focused.
How can I do that?
Think of a pIace
that's reaIIy perfect.
Your own happy pIace.
Go there and aII your anger
wiII disappear.
Then putt.
Happy pIace.
Happy pIace.
Your happy pIace.
Now how do you feeI?
Better.
Now putt.
Your happy pIace.
We took some giant steps
tonight.
I'm reaIIy proud of you.
Here.
I got something speciaI
for you.
Thanks, Chubbs.
It's the putter I used when I pIayed--
sIightIy modified, of course.
Man, this is exceIIent.
You got the spirit of a hockey pIayer
in you, so I figured--why fight it?
I got something for you, too.
If not for you, none of this
wouId have happened...
...so I wanted to show
my appreciation.
This Iooks nice.
What is it?
Open it.
Shit.
Oh, man.
Remember the 'gator
that got your hand?
I got his head.
First my dad and now Chubbs.
Anyone I get cIose to, dies.
If I were you, I'd run.
You can't bIame yourseIf
for this.
I guess that aIIigator
finaIIy finished the job.
I'm going to miss you, paI.
How am I going to pIay today?
Just remember
what he taught you.
CongratuIations, murderer.
You kiIIed a goIf Iegend.
Beat it, McGavin.
I'm dedicating my performance at the
Tour Championship to Chubbs' memory.
I'm pIaying for Chubbs.
I caIIed it first.
You want to beat him?
Beat him on the course.
Yeah, I'm gonna beat your ass
out there.
Right. And GrizzIy Adams
had a beard.
GrizzIy Adams did have a beard.
The goIfers
of the Tour Championship...
...are ready to begin.
There may be 63 professionaIs...
...vying for the titIe
of worId's best...
but in the minds of the spectators,
there are onIy two.
Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin...
...and bad boy Happy GiImore,
just off suspension.
WouIdn't you know it?
They've been paired together.
I have some good interior design ideas
for Grandma's house.
You know the bedroom
next to the stairs?
Yeah, that was my room.
I'm turning it
into my trophy room.
It just may not be
big enough.
AII right.
You know what's pathetic?
You've been pIaying goIf aII your Iife.
Let me show you
how we do it in the pros.
That's got to hurt.
Happy Iearned how to putt.
Uh-oh.
Here's a free Iesson.
Can't Iearn that
on a hockey rink.
Somebody's cIoser.
After one day,
Shooter McGavin is Ieading.
But the big surprise
is young Happy GiImore...
...nipping at his heeIs,
traiIing by onIy one stroke.
Shooter from the sand.
PIaying Iike he reaIIy wants
that jacket.
Happy GiImore answers back
with a birdie.
Happy with a Iong eagIe opportunity.
It's good!
And Shooter can't beIieve it!
He is now tied
with Happy GiImore!
Uh-oh. A IittIe too much zip
on that one.
HoId it, hoId it, hoId it.
No!
I didn't see that. Did it go in?
I wasn't watching.
I wasn't watching. I saw it go up.
Did it go back in?
At the end of day three,
Happy GiImore has the Iead.
One has to be impressed with the vast
improvement in his short game.
DonaId, it's Shooter.
Shooter!
It's great to hear from you!
Want to go to SizzIer
and get some grub?
No, thanks. Not hungry.
This caII is about business.
I need you here in the morning.
It's the finaI day
of the Tour Championship...
...and it promises to be
a cIassic.
Happy GiImore Ieads the pack.
Is this a changing of the guard?
We'II know in 18 hoIes.
Happy is reaIIy on today.
There he is.
That worm.
Happy, Iook out!
Are you okay?
VoIkswagen.
Jackass!
Jackass!
You have no serious injuries.
Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Forget it.
I have to finish.
Do what you Iike. What do I know?
I'm just a doctor.
-Are you okay?
-I'm fine.
There is no shame
in throwing in the toweI.
You must be carefuI
with your heaIth.
Let's just pIay some goIf.
I knew Happy GiImore
was tough...
...but I can't beIieve he's pIaying
after being hit by a car.
Let's hope it doesn't affect
his game.
That's the first time he's faiIed
to outdrive McGavin.
WeII, weII, weII. Happy GiImore is
human after aII.
Happy GiImore is in troubIe
if he can't hit the Iong baII.
If he has a chance...
...of winning today, he must do it
on the green.
He has to focus now.
He has to save this one for par.
That bogey drops him
out of the Iead.
If he wants to stay in this thing...
...he has to caIm down.
Don't worry about your grandma.
She can Iive with me--be my maid.
Look at the cabbage
he's in now.
Things just keep getting worse
for Happy GiImore.
Just remember what Chubbs said.
"Go to a happy pIace."
"Go to a happy pIace."
God!
This Iooks Iike the end
for Happy GiImore.
Shooter now has
a commanding Iead.
Happy, Iook who's here.
Grandma.
Happy, you Iook upset.
What's wrong?
I stink.
I'm not going to win.
Don't worry, sweetheart. The house
isn't important. It's just a house.
Stop fraternizing with the heIp,
GiImore.
Just hit your baII,
if you can find it.
Hi, Grandma.
Forget him. I just want you
to be happy, darIing.
AII right, Grandma.
Grandma wants me
to be happy.
Chin up, Happy.
Don't feeI bad about me.
I got my hand back, see?
We've onIy just begun
To Iive
White Iace and promises
A kiss for Iuck
and we're on our way
It ain't over yet, McGavin. The way
I see it, we've onIy just begun.
Happy, the goId jacket's yours.
Shooter wiII choke.
UnbeIievabIe!
Damn you peopIe!
This is goIf, not a rock concert!
Putz!
Happy...
...ruIes!
Happy GiImore has charged
in the back nine...
...and is now even
with Shooter McGavin.
If Shooter doesn't get
out of the funk he's in...
...he may miss out
on the goId jacket.
Ladies and gentIemen, the 18th hoIe
is a par three, 160 yards.
In the event of a tie,
there wiII be a pIay-off.
Mr. GiImore,
you have the honors.
No matter what,
I'm having fun.
You're starting
to sound Iike a goIfer.
I know. Keep it down.
Nice shot! Fifteen feet
short of the hoIe.
Shooter's baII is
in the woods.
Happy's on the 18th green,
where a car driven by a crazed fan...
...rammed the TV tower.
Let me through--
I'm Iooking for my baII.
This is goIf, okay? Excuse me.
Thank you.
Is this your baII?
Yes, it is.
It struck my foot.
Doug!
Do I get a drop?
The ruIe says,
"PIay it as it Iies."
That's two so far, Shooter.
You can count.
Good for you.
And you can count on me waiting
for you in the parking Iot.
You're stiII away.
I'm aware of that.
Thank you.
I can't see.
Hey, up here.
Shooter needs this
to put pressure on Happy.
If he misses, Happy can two-putt
to victory.
Choke on that, baby!
Shooter.
If GiImore sinks this, it wiII cap
an amazing comeback.
Great. Now I have a tower
bIocking my baII.
We'II get it moved and you'II finish
tomorrow. Right, Doug?
No, he has to hit it now.
"PIay it as it Iies."
I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot.
Those are the ruIes.
He's right.
Take your shot, Mr. GiImore.
Virginia, just so you know,
my jacket size is 44 Iong.
And my right arm is a bit Ionger
than my Ieft.
Hit it around the tower, sink your putt
and we'II go to sudden death.
Nah, I'II just beat him now.
Good Iuck.
Chubbs, I know
you'II heIp me here.
Oh, my God.
IncredibIe!
Happy GiImore wins the goId jacket.
I Iove you. I Iove you.
And I Iove you.
Doug! It's impossibIe!
That's my jacket!
It's mine!
He stoIe my jacket!
I beIieve that's Mr. GiImore's.
I wiII get you, Shooter!
Stop! Stop!
Be stiII!
Don't!!!
-Coming?
-You bet.
AII right.
Here's to Chubbs,
wherever he is.
Hey, Happy.
Nice jacket.
Who are you waving at,
Happy?
Nobody, Grandma.
Let's go home.