How To Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008) Movie Script
..:: TheGhost ::..
Supposing Queen Elizabeth had been
misguided enough to marry an English Commoner.
Janet.
I'm sorry Ms. Fox, I didn't quite hear.
Obviously you're immersed in problems of far
greater significant than Elizabeth's foreign policy.
When I was a kid, I used to think
there was a special place where
All the movie stars lived
A kind of Shangri La.
And if you could just get inside there,
You'd be happy.
Forever.
All these years later,
I'm finally inside.
I've made it... to Shangri La.
My name is Sidney Young.
I am a celebrity correspondent.
A journalist, a friend to the stars.
Yeah... that... that isn't me.
This is me.
At the Apollo Film Awards
in L.A., this year.
That's my Armani tuxedo.
That's an Omega Speed Master Pro
watch I'm wearing.
That's the actress, Sophie Maes.
Last night she told me she'd let
me have sex with her if she won...
the best actress award.
Oh!... She just won the Best Actress Award
My life didn't used to be like this.
Only a year ago, my alternative magazine,
"The Post Modern Review", was on the ropes.
I needed a big celebrity scoop to save
me from bankruptcy and humiliation.
But there was just one problem.
To cross the thin red line
that separates the Lookie Loo's from the stars,
You had to be famous.
Babe?
Babe 3 yeah..
But it hasn't got any ID...
How many pigs are coming tonight?
You want me to leave him with you?
No, no, no, you can not leave him here...
If you're positive you're supposed to...
Well, well... Sidney Young.
Well, well, clipboard Nazi type woman.
The pig doesn't get in.
What about me?
I was talking about you.
Plan B: If you cannot crash
the awards ceremonies
You had to get in to one
of the after show parties.
Of these, the most exclusive,
was the Sharp's Magazine party.
Hosted by legendary editor
Clayton Harding.
Here the A-list could finally relax.
Safe in the knowledge that no Lookie Loo
would book a room in one of
London's most expensive hotels
just to be close to them.
OK Kevin, I want you in bed
by 10 o'clock, OK?
And no porn.
When I'm in L.A. I like to stay
at the Chateau, where else...
And then when I'm in London I also
like to stay here at the Haymarket.
It's got to the point where I don't
feel at home unless I'm in a hotel.
Do you know what I mean?
What is it you do?
I'm a writer, I'm a movie writer.
Great.
Hello.
Sir?
Is everything all right?
You have the most amazing cheekbones.
Have you had plastic surgery?
No, and you?
Me? No..
Penis reduction when I was a kid...
- You are too much!
- I am, aren't I?
What's your name again?
Clark, Clark Baxter.
How do you do?
Your... little... moustache...
Oh shit!
Sara, get security.
Sidney Young got in.
Who's Sidney Young?
Oh fuck!
Plan C: keep a low profile and leave
as unobtrusively as possible.
Can you get that?
Can you get the phone please?
The post modern review with an English
celebrity is a text to be deconstructed...
No we don't hate celebrities..
.. I am an internationally respected academic.
And prick.
You answer the phone,
What do I pay you for?
You don't pay me.
Answer the phone.
Hello, Post Modern Review.
If she doesn't apologize, I'm quitting.
You're going to have to apologize,
okay, George can't leave.
Why can't George leave?
Because he owns the Fax machine, that's why.
What?
It's Sharp's magazine.
We're finished.
We're not finished.
If they sue we're finished...
It's going to be OK,
give me the phone...
Be quiet.
Sidney Young.
This is Clayton Harding,
editor of Sharp's Magazine.
Ah, Lord Vader.
I saw you at my party. Just before you
ruined it with your little pig stunt.
Oh, you liked that did you?.
Sure.
I especially liked the part where
Clint Eastwood beat the shit out of you.
Well, you listen to me,
I'm not scared of you Harding.
You can sue if you like,
but it's like... Jimmy Stewart said...
You sit up there in your spindly little webs,
And you think the whole world revolves
around you and your money, but it doesn't Mister.
Mister..
- Potter.
Potter!
You may sue us OK, but I warn you
if you strike me down...
- Mr Johnson's here to see you.
- I will become more powerful than
you can possibly imagine
Destroy me and a hundred men
will spring up in my place.
Men who care nothing for success, men who
can't be bought, men who's only loyalty...
I want you to come to work for me
at Sharp's magazine in New York.
Fight!
Fight!
That's not coming out!
Can You say that again please?
Thanks asshole.
Sorry.
Oh fuck!
This magazine you're working for,
it is good?
Yeah, it's Sharp's.
You know, Sharp's Magazines?
High society, fashion, fine..
finance, Hollywood celebrities.
Hollywood?
It's Sodom and Gomorrah.
Now everybody is celebrity.
You take out your breasts
you are celebrity.
I think it really depends
on the breasts.
In Poland, someone was famous
because they done something.
Marie Curie..
Paul John Paul...
Yes, well they don't make entertainers
like that any more, do they.
They brought your things yesterday.
Great.
Yeah.
It's nice.
I like it.
I'll put my drums in
the corner over there.
Joking.
Just a little.
When you start work?
In the morning.
So got to be fresh,
make a good impression.
Go to bed.
That's exactly what I intend to do.
Make that two.
I'm Clark.
Clark Baxter.
Nice to meet you, cheers.
What is this?
That's a water, sir.
That's not right is it, put a
bit of beer in or something.
I'm sorry, my boyfriend's sitting there.
Is he?
He's fucking small isn't he.
That's his White Russian,
he'll be here any second.
Excuse me? Can you reserve
seats in this bar?.
No.
I'm a journalist.
I work for a little periodical
you might have heard of.
Sharps Magazine.
I'm the Cultural Editor.
This is library card, from Gloucester.
It's the wrong one isn't it...
Happy now?
Just doing my bit for the gene pool.
Who is that with Clint Eastwood?
Morgan Freeman.
No, in the head-lock.
You got this laminated?
Shit... Sorry, sorry.
No, no, no, just leave it.
OK then.
It's pronounced "gloster" by the way.
Are you going to get off that seat?
No.
Do you know the meaning of Karma?
A curry?
What goes around, comes around.
The moment is approaching where you'll
pay the price for being an asshole.
And when my boyfriend gets here, I'm going
to encourage him to take you outside...
Hello?
Hi honey.
All right, I'll see you then.
Boyfriend not coming?
I'm Sorry.
Do you think..?
Do you think I can have his drink?
Bobby.
You want my seat?
I'm just leaving.
Thanks.
Who do you think that is
with Clint Eastwood?
I'm going to go powder my nose.
Why don't you put on something
a little more romantic?
Mrs Labowski.
Kowalsky.
You know what time it is?
The music blaring, the door open.
Was it?
Fuck..
I mean sorry...
Shit...
I mean sorry..
I ran into an old friend...
and came back for a little...
... Penis.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You so can do this.
Come on Bob... A quick cup
of coffee, then you gotta go.
This is my city.
This is my building.
This is my Lobby.
These are my models.
This is my work place.
And this is my boss.
What the fuck are you wearing?
You like it?
I've got another one actually.
Thanks.
The next time you come here dressed like
that you follow this shirt, you understand?
Sit down.
How was your flight?
It was good. Thanks to the
business class tickets, Clay?
That was a mistake.
And don't call me Clay.
Oh, can we smoke?
We... no.
Actually I'm a big fan of your
early... funnier, stuff
Snipe Magazine, really good.
You've actually been a big influence on me.
And I think together we can inject
some of that Snipe spirit into Sharp's.
In fact I've got some
idea which you might...
You think you've arrived don't you?
I hate to break it to you,
but you're only in the first room.
It's not nothing, don't get
me wrong, but eh...
It's not that great either, believe me
there's plenty of people in this town
Who made it to the first level
and didn't get any further.
And in about a year,
maybe longer,
You'll discover a secret doorway,
at the back of the first room,
That leads to the 2nd.
And in time, if you're lucky,
you'll discover...
another doorway in the back of the
There are 7 rooms, altogether.
You are in the 1st.
I'm in the 7th.
Don't you forget it.
Can I use the bathroom in the 7th,
cause the one in the 1st really smells.
Which leads us to the subject
of your sense of humor.
I had a look through
your magazine here.
Oh, what did you think?
Oh, it was kind of snarky...
and bitter... and witless.
I'm gonna try you out in
the "I Spy" section.
You're going to report
to Lawrence Maddox.
Plausibly, I know we've only just met,
already I perceive I'm in the presence
of a rare common sensibility.
Oh, thanks.
Harding is going to be your Rabbi,
show you the ropes.
Oh, Mr Maddox.
Are you aware of what
we do at "I Spy"?
You photograph famous people
when they're drunk.
"I Spy" is the nation's
window to high society.
The Lookie Loo's read us because...
they weren't there.
The glitterati read us because
we tell them they were there.
For the system to work,
we have to know what "there" is.
So when we go out to clubs and stuff,
is that on expenses?
This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.
And when we do go out, you're going to
have to wear something more suitable.
What do you mean by suitable?
Something that covers all this up.
Is that Mussolini?
No Sydney, it's Richard Heywood,
owner of this magazine.
Who's this funny looking kid,
is that his son,
It's his daughter.
Elizabeth.
And my wife.
Really?
She's very... she's got...
I mean babies are all like Mussolini.
Miss Olsen takes care of book launchings,
gallery openings and other intellectual fare.
Ms Olsen will you find our new
rookie something to do?
I hear the Cultural Editor's
job is up for grabs.
Seeing I'm going to be sitting
just there, don't you think we
should put last night behind us?
No, now get off my desk.
Yeah, but...
I don't really know what
I'm supposed to be doing.
Are you gonna help me out?
Sure, which way did you come in?
Here, Chris Blick exhibition opening.
Caption it.
Now get out off my desk.
Hi.
Oh, hi Ingrid.
Aren't you going to introduce us?
This is Clark Baxter.
It's Sidney actually, Sidney Young.
Clark Baxter is my alias.
He's English.
Oh, right.
Hello.
Is that the Parsons Gallery.
Yes it is, this is
Celia Parsons speaking.
Hi, this is Sidney Young
from Sharp's magazine.
We're running some photographs from your
opening of the Chris Blick exhibition,
And I've been asked to caption them...
I was wondering if you could help
me to identify a few people.
All right.
Thanks.
Chris Blick, man or woman?
Is Chris Blick a man or a woman?
Are you sure you're calling
from Sharp's Magazine?
Yes I am.
Well then tell me Stanley,
why are they giving you this assignment,
If you do not know who one of the
most famous artists in America is?
I don't know.
He's a man.
Great, OK, is he an old man?
He's an older man, yes.
Cause I've got two old men here,
is he the fat one?
You do realize that Clayton Harding
is a personal friend of mine?
What's that got to do with anything?
Right...
Parsons Gallery?
Is he the one with the wonky eye then?
It's fashion sensitive.
If you're not wearing Prada,
it'll take your arm clean off.
But I am wearing Prada.
This place isn't what I expected.
What did you expect?
I don't know, like the Argunkle circle.
Dorothy Parker...
Martinis...
Quips... nobody here is drunk.
It's called being professional,
You should try it sometime.
Here's something you gotta understand,
okay, I'm not really one of you.
By you, do you mean human?
No, I mean one of the "Glossy Posse",
A bunch of Zombies walking about...
pets to the stars.
Acting like they're
working for the UN.
I'm here to shake things up.
Where are you from?
Not that it's any of your business, but
Port Huron, Michigan.
Ah... small-town girl.
"I bet you couldn't wait to get out,
get anywhere, get all the way to the NYC"
"Silence of the Lambs".
Let me give you a bit of advice, OK.
Don't take the celebrity
fluff too seriously.
You arrogant...
Are you insane?
That was Lawrence Maddox's wife,
Elizabeth, her father owns Sharp's.
That was her?
The Mussolini baby.
I can go back...
No, you do not approach Elizabeth Maddox.
You do not talk to her, don't even
make eye contact with her.
Do you understand?
What, am I supposed to be afraid?
Yes.
I don't know the meaning of
the word "fear"
I'm sure there are many words
you don't know the meaning of.
What's that mean?
When I think of all the people
who'd kill to be where you are,
And you lumbering here, spitting food,
haven't the brains god gave a mollusc...
Why did Clayton hire you?
Snipe Magazine.
What?
When Clayton left college he
started this magazine called Snipe.
It was fantastic, just took on all the
self-important celebrities in town,
It was completely fearless.
It was like my magazine,
But 20 years earlier.
I am the young Clayton Harding,
that's why he hired me.
He looks at me and
he sees his glory days.
His "glory days"?
Sharp's is one of over 40
national magazines in the world.
That increased its advertising pages
by 60% since he took over.
He makes millions of dollars a year,
he lives in a Bank Street town house,
and week-ends in the Hamptons.
Clayton Harding is one of the lynch pins
of the media industrial complex.
Don't worry about that.
I think I just might be
in time to save him.
Hello, you've reached Sidney Young.
I'm Sorry, but my answering
machine is out of order, so
The voice you're hearing is actually me.
What do you want?
Sidney.
Are you there?
Sidney.
It's your father.
If you're there Sydney, please
answer the phone.
Sidney, are you there?
Wow! Look at that.
Are you two texting each other?
There's about a hundred grand's worth of
food here, and I'm the only one eating it.
Want some?
No.
This place is just wall to wall totty.
Wall to wall, what?
Totty, you know, babes.
Sexually attractive women.
- Do you mind?
- What?
Hey Lawrence, how are you?
Good to see you.
Look at that.
All night long people have
been treating us like royalty.
In London, the journalist motto is
everybody hates us and we don't care.
Well now your one of the high priests
of what's hot and what's not.
I shouldn't even be here.
I get thrown out of places like this.
Lawrence Maddox, oh my goodness...
Long time.
Yeah.
Rachel.
Rachel, how are you?
Well I'm wonderful, just wonderful.
How are you?
You know it is so funny
I should run into you.
I've just done this great
little film, it's called 5 Burros.
It's low-budget,
first time director,
But it's really moving.
Hey, maybe you could do a little...
Vincent.
Good to see you.
Lawrence, right?
Yeah.
How are you sir?
- Good,
- Good to see you too.
How's the picture?
Pretty close to perfect, if I can just
get all the experts to leave me alone.
I think we're gonna have
some screenings next week.
Hey! That was Rachel Petkoff.
Fantastic actress.
She hasn't done anything for
a while, but in her day...
- Sure...
- No seriously, I think she's due for a comeback.
You should get in there,
do a profile, before anyone else...
Sidney, I'd like to introduce
you to Vincent Lepak, "Enfant Terrible".
In my opinion the most exciting
new director in American cinema.
This is the worst fundraiser
I've been to my whole life.
It's a ratfire isn't it?
Excuse me.
Can I have your autograph please?
I'm a huge fan.
Is that so?
Yeah, I've seen everything
you've been in.
Those episodes of "The Love Boat".
"The Bionic Woman",
and "Songbirds".
"In the Night",
And I saw your first ever TV appearance
"The Twilight Zone - House of Mirrors".
Right.
But my all-time favorite has
to be "A Day Too Long".
You were great in that.
What's you name, honey?
Sidney.
Sidney Young.
Thanks.
I'll remember that.
Thank you.
I mean you look around you
and it's all shit, you know.
No-one's making movies that
are fucking worthwhile.
I have disagree with you Vincent.
You're making movies
that are worthwhile.
This is what I'm saying.
You have to inspire yourself.
I am my role model,
I want to be me.
What's the greatest film ever made?
Excuse me?
What is the greatest film ever made?
Have a guess.
Well... I don't know,
I don't think there is one...
Have a guess!
Yeah, have a guess,
what's the greatest film ever made.
It's hard to say.
I personally love
La Dolce Vita.
Incorrect.
Con Air.
I beg your pardon?
Con Air.
Right? It's got everything hasn't it?
You got Malkovich for your acting chops.
You got Nicky Cage for your action.
And Steve Buscemi for your comedy.
John Cusack for the gays...
It's like a smorgisboard isn't it?
I don't think we've been introduced.
Mr Young, this is Eleanor Johnson.
Queen of New York.
Sidney is from England.
He's our very own "idiot savant",
without the "savant".
Well it's always nice to have
fresh blood to these things.
Which reminds me,
I am here with Sophie Maes.
I want you to meet her.
His new film,
"The Making of a Saint".
The buzz is amazing.
The release is being tied in with the
roll-out of the Versace campaign.
And Louis Vuiton is on the line.
This train is leaving the station.
What, you're a publicist?
I don't really like that word Sidney.
What do I call you then?
You can call me Eleanor.
All right.
There she is.
Sophie, give us a smile!
This one will go far.
Where is the car?
What's it doing at the back?
Well, forget what I said,
I want it at the front now.
I just think it's so awful
how we're still exploiting animals,
Which is why I won't wear fur,
or leather, or wear makeup.
I'm a vegetarian.
I'm with you on that one.
I won't eat anything with eyebrows.
Or something that can chuckle. I would
never eat an animal that could chuckle.
I'm sorry, I can't really
understand your accent very well.
I just.. nothing.... just
So you're an actress?
So you've not won any Oscars then?
No.
Cause I would definitely vote for
you for best supporting dress.
I haven't been nominated for anything.
I realise, I'm just saying...
Sophie, dear,
Are you ready?
Yeah.
I was joking...
cause your dress was obviously...
You know what to do.
Thank you.
Lovely.
Sophie, Sophie!
I'm going to the circle club,
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, good night.
Push up.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the club.
I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
Cuba!
See, even Cuba says so.
Cuba...
Who's a good boy.
To the Circle Club.
It just turns my stomach.
He's pouring all over her, he's
old enough to be her father.
No he isn't.
Yes he is.
Actually I was producing
sperm when I was 13...
For your information he wasn't pawing
her, he was just doing his job.
In case you haven't noticed, Sharp's has
to have a star on its cover every month
And most of these stars are
Eleanor's clients so...
do not piss her off.
She's a flack.
Hacks do not take orders from flacks.
And I wouldn't call that doing his job,
he had no blood left in his upper body
Oh, and the next time you want to do that
hilariously ironic "I love Con Air" skid...
- I wasn't being ironic...
- would you mind?
Not doing it in front of Vincent Lepak,
who happens to be very important.
Yeah, I could tell that by the way he was
allowed to stay up past his bedtime.
Do you think she'll go out with me?
Who?
Sophie Maes, do you think
she'll go out with me?
No.
Girls like Sophie do
not date journalists.
As far as she's concerned
you're the help.
What do you know anyway?
A lot of these starlets
are lonely.
All they do is look around for men.
This is New York, Sidney, women
only date men who are successful.
I'm gonna be successful.
And tall.
Have you seen this?
She's everywhere.
Good cover.
From Sophie Maes.
Thanks for the great night.
Sweet kid.
Sidney...
about last night.
A word of advice.
Don't talk to the celebrities.
Sophie said you made her uncomfortable.
So Brad's people finally
got back to me with the agreement.
We have the whole afternoon
before the shoot.
Good work Lawrence.
OK, if that's it...
Actually I was thinking Clay...
Paris Hilton.
I do a profile of her as if
she's this complete recluse,
Like a hermit.
I'm tracking her down.
Who is the elusive Paris Hilton,
and why she's so publicity shy?
Good...
Just changing....
That's first room stuff, Sidney,
and call me Clay one more time
see what happens.
Sorry.
No, I love this, but I'm
so fat I couldn't.
Get out of here.
You look totally rexy.
God, that's so sweet.
I don't mean to be rude Sidney,
but what the fuck do you want?
You know how things work here,
How am I gonna get a piece
of the magazine?
I thought all this fluff
was beneath you.
It is beneath me,
but things have changed.
What's changed?
I know everybody thinks I'm
a bit of an idiot.
And maybe I didn't have the
best start here, but...
I want...
I want...
I want to have sex with Sophie Maes,
before Maddox does.
You're loathsome, do you know that?
I know he's got a bit of a head start.
But I think I can win her back,
cause once I get my hooks into a girl,
She never gets free.
Like ringworm?
If you like.
Where you going?
Hey buddy, you big corporate
dick lick...
Hello, I'd like to apply for a
a Master Card, please.
Yeah.
Hon. Sidney Young.
Hon, H-O-N, it's short for honorable.
Yeah, it's a British title.
The Queen?
Yeah, I know the Queen.
She used to be in my
break-dancing posse.
She's a buddy more than anything.
Fuck!
Hello Cuba...
He likes you.
So, how does it feel to be a star?
No, no, it's so embarrassing,
Those pictures are everywhere now, and I
had no idea that dress was so see-through.
Plus everybody's talking like
it was some kind of stunt.
Such a cynical age, hmm?
Hello Sidney.
I was looking for my...
Lawrence is taking us to
lunch at Cipriani.
That's nice.
Can I leave Cuba here?
He doesn't like Italian food.
Of course you can,
he can stay in my office.
Sidney, fetch Cuba a bowl of water.
Well, of course.
That is a lovely ring.
Where is that from?
It was my mother's,
she gave it to me.
Oh, you sweetie.
It's very very...
So listen.
You've met Vincent Lepak,
haven't you Sidney?
Eh, yeah.
He has a new movie coming out soon.
And Lawrence is already
stretched as it is.
How would you like to
do the feature on him?
Yeah, I would actually.
Yes, very much.
Well, great.
Maybe we can get together
and discuss the angle.
Okay.
What do you mean, angle?
Well I need to know how
we're going to present Vincent,
Check the story and so on.
Are you saying you want copy approval?
Any stories written about
my clients need to be
in their best interest.
That's all.
If things work out with Vincent,
maybe we can talk about a follow-up
story on Sophie.
What do you think?
I'm sorry, I don't work that way.
Sidney, dear...
Think of it like this,
You write about one of my clients,
you are borrowing some of their starlight,
To help sell your magazine.
All I'm saying is "quid pro quo".
Starlight?
Hello Cuba...
Hello.
It's uncle Sidney, I've come to
see how you are, yes.
What's this?
Would you like a little play?
Fetch!
There you go.
That's it, that's it.
Well done.
You and me are going to
be pals, aren't we?
You're going to like me much much better
than that prick Maddox. Yes you are.
Ready?
Come on...
Shit...
That's my bag.
Yes, I was going to borrow
it for a second.
What are you talking about?
I'll bring it right back, I'm just..
Oh my!
It was an accident.
What did you do?
I was just trying to
make friends... and then...
Please don't tell her,
don't tell her.
Cuba!
Fuck no.
What are you doing?
Alison!
Have you seen Cuba?
What?
Have you seen Sophie's dog?
No, no idea.
Well come and help us find him.
Don't worry.
Clay, you got a minute?
You find that rat yet?
No, not yet, probably just
got out of the building.
Congratulations on the
"Man of the Year" thing.
How was lunch?
I don't know.
A thousands dollars a plate
all I could taste was ass.
I'm kissing their ass,
they're kissing my ass.
I get this dream sometimes.
Someone's set fire to the building.
Heywood, Sharp's magazine,
the whole thing up in flames.
My analyst, he thinks it's
an anxiety dream.
I never let him know how happy
I am watching the fucker burn.
What do you want?
I want to write a story
about Vincent Lepak.
Not a puff piece, something funny, with
teeth, like Snipe would have done.
Everyone's treating him like some sort
of genius, and he's not, he's an idiot.
Look at this.
Why do I have a closet full of
blue fucking shirts?
I don't know...
I don't know either.
This is an office, for god's sake.
Why do I even have a fucking closet?
Do it.
Fuck, yeah!
Do it.
He's an annoying little prick.
We'll take him down.
This is your shot.
Thanks Clayton.
You're my little hit-man.
Yes, I am your little hit-man.
Go do it.
Okay!
You can call me "The Jackal".
Out!
Okay.
Mr Young.
Yes.
I'm Sophie Mae's assistant.
I'm afraid Sophie isn't
here right now.
Well, I know she's here.
I'm not a stalker.
I just know she's upset because...
She lost the dog.
She isn't here.
All right, well can you please just find
out if she got my presents?
Okay...
Did you send the flowers?
Flowers?
Yeah, cause she doesn't get enough
flowers, does she? I sent the fish.
You know, goldfish,
in a bowl.
Did she get 'em?
Yes, but they were dead.
All of 'em?
Yeah.
It was kind of shocking actually.
Were they dead when you sent them?
No!
Who sends people dead fish?
The Mafia.
Oh my god!
You're like a serial killer.
No, no, no, that wasn't me.
I laid him to rest.
Cuba.
I took him out to the eh...
I don't want to know.
You might want your bag back.
Stop.
Also just the whole, not telling thing,
just wanted to say I appreciate that...
because you didn't have to do it,
a lot of people wouldn't have done it.
Why didn't you?
You don't need my help to
screw up here Sidney.
The only thing you make are mistakes.
And stains.
Can I help you?
Just a couple of straws please.
Let me ask...
What is it with this book?
You're always writing in it.
Is it like a diary?
It's a novel I'm working on.
- Wow!
- Yeah, I know, I'm a walking clich.
No, it's all right,
it's very impressive.
And you're writing it by hand?
Yeah.
I don't know, it keeps it separate from
the magazine work, makes it seem special.
You're full of surprises, sister.
Ah, White Russian, been waiting
for your boyfriend?
Yeah, he'll be here soon.
What does he do this mystery guy?
Is he like a hack too, or...
Actually he's a poet.
Oooh is he?
What does he look like?
What?
Poets are not known for
being that good-looking,
'cause they're always in dark rooms,
and they look like Golum
He's very handsome, thank you.
Of course he is.
You know what I don't understand.
You're so desperate to get
a story in the magazine,
So why wouldn't you play
ball with Eleanor, write a puff piece?
I resent being bribed to gush
sycophantically by the star.
I choose to gush sycophantically.
Okay.
Anyway, Clayton's given me
a story so, I'm on my way.
That's good.
In a world where passion is
forbidden, and belief divine,
The love you've held for a man,
she gave to all mankind.
You've given yourself
to Christ my child.
How can it be wrong...?
I believe in love,
that is all we have.
And we must give it
wherever it is most needed.
Sometimes, before you can
find God,
You have to find the world.
Calcutta.
Stand up, Mother Teresa.
Sophie Maes is Mother Teresa in
"The Making of a Saint".
Anyway I got to shoo off,
I leave you in peace.
With your poet.
Bye.
Bye.
I've still got the receipt so...
Which, makes it a half a page left,
Lawrence, any ideas?
Yes, Rachel Petkoff, fabulous
Sundance actress.
One of my all-time favorites.
Just made a movie called 5 Burros.
I think she's poised for a comeback.
And I think we should get
there first, do a piece
Sounds good.
Let's do it.
Okay, that's it people.
What?
Did you read my piece
on Vincent Lepak?
Yeah, that...
That's not gonna work.
Oh, and for those of you
who haven't heard.
Alison will be running the
"I Spy" section from now on,
As Laurence here is moving up in the
world, he's replacing Greg Roberts
as Deputy Editor.
Congratulations.
I'm Sorry.
Since when is Rachel one of
your favorite actresses?
You'd never fucking heard of her.
That was my idea.
And so it was yes.
If you have any more good ideas don't
forget to bring them by my new office.
By the way.
There's been complaints about you
skulking by the water cooler.
Trying to talk to women,
that's inappropriate behaviour.
What?
You spend your life chatting
up the staff.
When I do it it's called
flirting,
When you do it, it's called
sexual harassment.
Consider this an official warning.
I will not tolerate
sexist behavior.
I know that wasn't Greg's
way of working.
But Greg isn't Deputy Editor any more.
I am.
And I,
Am making changes.
What?
Hi Lawrence. There's a lady
here that's been looking for you.
Can I help you?
Are you Lawrence Maddox
the new Deputy Editor?
Yes?
I'm here to congratulate you
on your promotion.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, you are?
I'm your present.
Laurence this is inappropriate
behavior, wouldn't you say?
This is wrong, I should record this.
Fuck the misuse of company time.
- Stop.
- I'm not doing anything.
Hey Mrs. Harding
Oh my god,
So adorable.
This is Ingrid from the
fashion department.
You're getting so big.
Where's Mr Maddox now?
He moved to room 217,
and it's just over there.
Ok.
Bye.
Bye.
Girls, let's go see Mr. Maddox.
My God this is terrible.
There's a surprise.
Look at this.
What do you think?
Mrs. Harding?
Girls.
I got cock on my hand.
Get in.
I didn't know it was
"take our daughters to work" day.
I didn't know there was a
"take our daughters to work" day.
Shut up.
You know, when I told my wife...
I hired another Brit.
She was excited.
She still thinks you're all like
something out of "Pride and Prejudice".
But after what she just saw
in that room.
Now she thinks you're a
British person born in New Jersey.
Why did I hire you?
I don't know, why did you hire me?
I had an attack of nostalgia.
But it's passed.
Like gas.
What was wrong with my story?
What?
Why did you kill my
Vincent Lepak Story?
Sidney, it wasn't good enough.
Simple as that.
Wasn't good enough!
We don't do hatchet jobs here.
It wasn't a hatchet job.
Your opening quotation...
It's only too easy to catch
people's attention by...
Doing something worse than anyone
else has dared do it before.
Who you thinking of here,
Yourself or Vincent?
He is a talentless, pretentious little twat
who thinks that cinema began with Tarantino.
And somebody needed to say that.
You told me to do something with teeth.
I'm trying to run a fucking
magazine here.
A free press is the last defense
against the tyranny of stupidity.
Save me the tin-pot philosophy.
It's not mine it's yours.
First issue of Snipe.
Would you grow the fuck up?
You are not Robin Hood.
You never were.
You bitch about famous people for the
same reason I used to bitch about them.
Because they got invited to the party.
And you didn't.
Well Sidney,
You're at the party now.
Quit your bitching and
do your fucking job.
You're on your last life here,
do you understand that?
One more fuck-up like today,
you're gone.
Wouldn't you have to run a decision
like that past Eleanor first?
Get out.
I can't believe you hired
Bob as a stripper.
I didn't hire him,
she did it as a favour.
I thought you wanted to
be a success here.
I do.
It wasn't me it was Clark.
Oh, your alias, right.
I don't think Clayton is going to
publish anything I write you know.
I've been on salary for
And I've written probably a 175 words.
I think dollar per word basis,
I am the highest paid writer
in the history of this magazine.
He's not going to renew my contract.
Well, what do you expect?
I mean, Vincent's one
of Eleanor's clients.
I told you they're untouchables.
I thought Clayton was different,
I really did.
The only thing I'm good at
is pissing people off.
And they won't even let me do that.
"My glory walks hand in hand with my doom".
It's "Troy".
Troy who?
"Troy" the movie.
Clayton only hired me so
I could be shunned.
Everybody hates me.
You're the only one who
would talk to me.
You cornered me.
I'm serious.
You're the only person who's been...
you know.
Most... abusive to me.
Excuse me for a sec.
Rachel, hey.
Hello again.
Hello.
Laurence is a wonderful writer, I really
felt like he got to the heart of me.
I'm sorry, have we...?
It's Sidney, Sidney Young, we met
at the pool-side benefit.
I saw 5 Burros the other day,
And I just wept.
No...
Like a baby.
Absolutely incredible.
I just thought it was the best
piece of work I've seen in...
Sophie darling.
We were just talking, did you know
that Lawrence published a book of poetry.
No.
Called "The Whole Heart", yeah,
really terrific.
You write poems?
In another life.
Cointreau?
And the White Russian.
Right here.
So Sidney.
What time does the stripper come on?
Shut up Maddox.
Where's your sense of humor
Sidney?
Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke.
Hi, Mrs. Harding.
Hi.
It's a lovely party.
Having fun.
Jesus!
Has anyone ever told you before
that you have an unusually dark aura?
Yes.
You should walk with bare feet
as much as possible.
Ground all that negative energy.
What are you, a wizard, what?
I'm a spiritual healer.
Oh, can you make a
living out of that?
God no.
I'm a dentist.
You want do some coke?
Oy! Orlando, you used to be English.
Fuck!
You OK?
What?
I said, are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You?
Yeah.
No, actually I'm not.
I hate my life, so you know
I'm going to get drunk.
Right, I'll see you then.
How could you?
What?
How could you and Maddox
have an affair.
For god's sake.
The man with hidden shallows.
Goddamit Maddox!
How can you live with yourself?
I couldn't.
That's why I've broken up with him.
You broke up with him?
Which leg did you hurt?
This one.
God... Fuck... God!
You know what?
There's something very
damaged about you.
Like an animal that's been
hit by a car or something.
Like a deer or like a pig,
maybe.
You walk all funny and the other
animals keep away from you.
Little limpy pig.
I'm Joan of sick animals.
That's why I picked Cuba.
Because he had like,
psychological problems.
Poor little Cuba.
Where is he now?
Feels I'm wasted.
I'm really wasted.
I slept it off.
Congratulations on becoming
incredibly famous by the way.
Thanks.
What's that like?
Weird.
It's all happening so fast and it sort
of feels like it has nothing to do with me.
Kind of like I'm not
really even here.
You know what would be nice though?
Some coke.
It's probably just as well
I don't have any though.
Coke always makes me so horny.
I need the wizard dentist.
I need the wizard...
Not you...
The dentist wizard.
The wizard stroke dentist.
Ok, all right, you got it.
Thank you, thank you so much.
It's OK.
I will never, never,
never forget this.
It's OK, really.
What are you doing?
None of your business.
You can't drive like that OK.
Just sleep it of.
Just leave, you, you stupid asshole
I hate you.
And secondly... secondly...
I hate you because you're a stupid asshole.
If you drive in this condition
you're going to kill yourself OK?
Who cares if I did?
I hate my life.
I gotta go.
Just come here.
No, don't touch me.
I hate my car.
No give me the keys.
I gotta go home.
I thought I had it all figured out.
A, get the hell out of Port Huron,
come to New York
B, do the serious journalism to pay
the bills while I write the novel.
C, win the Pulitzer.
E,..
D!
D, I don't know what D was.
When I took the internship at Sharp's.
I met Maddox.
And then before you know it I'm writing
And pretending this is what
I wanted.
And this isn't what I wanted.
And that's why I hated you.
You hated me?
You were right, about me.
I'm a ghoul writing fluff.
You're not a ghoul, OK,
you're a zombie.
Am I afraid of a real relationship?
Do I think an affair is all I deserve?
I mean... ok, he's handsome
and successful and...
He's great in bed.
Oh, God be quiet!
Fine.
When I told him I couldn't
see him anymore.
I don't know if he cared.
I love him,
And I don't know if he cares.
I'm sure he does care.
Ok. He's probably not very
good at expressing his emotions.
Ok, let's just calm down, don't
get snot everywhere,
'cause it's a rental.
Oh, God!
What?
Oh! That's grim!
Alison, what's your address?
Alison I need to know your address.
How?
Not my stairs no.
Will you shut up?
You'll wake the old bitch up.
Hi.
Did we wake you?
God, I'm a whore.
- I'm a whore
- Hello dad.
I love this song.
She's not actually a prostitute.
Oh, good.
So Sidney's dad.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Alison.
Delighted to meet you.
I'm from Port Huron.
And you must be Sidney's mummy.
No, I'm not.
Oh, ok, I mean my dad remarried too,
so that's cool.
Do you have any cigarettes?
What is this?
Oh, hey, is this... ?
I think it's probably cocaine.
It wasn't actually for me.
It was going to give it
to this young actress.
So Mr. Sidney.
What you doing here?
Please call me Richard.
Well I've written a little book.
And I was doing some talks.
I'm writing a book.
What's yours about?
I write books on...
philosophy, ideas.
Oh my god.
Richard Young.
You're RC Young.
You never said your
dad was RC Young.
I brought you a copy of the book
I left it here.
What's he know about philosophy?
Well he does have a
Master's in the subject.
You're shitting me.
He likes "Con Air".
Oh, I don't feel very good.
Come on.
It's time you were in bed.
Ok.
You can sleep on the couch.
It was a pleasure to meet
you Lord Young.
You really should have said
you were coming.
That would have required you
answering one of my calls.
Well, I've been kind of busy.
Of course.
I picked up your magazine
at the airport.
Most enjoyable.
I particularly like the
young Hollywood actress,
Who said she would like to start
her theater career somewhere small.
Like London or England.
Why must you always do this?
It's just a little joke.
It's not a little joke, is it?
Basically you're saying
what I do is worthless.
I don't think it's worthless,
I just think you know in your heart that
you could be doing more with your life.
More?
Sharp's Magazine is one of the
most respected magazines in the world.
There's a million hacks that would
give anything to be where I am.
You know who I hung out
with just today?
Orlando Bloom.
I don't know who that is.
Of course you don't know who that is,
you don't know who anyone is.
You thought Brad Pitt was
a cave in Yorkshire.
Most people do know
who that is.
And most people wouldn't think a journalist
hanging out with celebrities like that
was a disappointment.
I don't think you're a disappointment.
I never thought that.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Things haven't been that
great actually, dad.
I don't know why,
I can't seem to get ahead.
If you're not happy...
No, I'm fine.
Really I can make it, I know it.
Einstein said...
try not to become a
man of success.
Rather become a man of
value.
The young lady in the bedroom there,
Alison, she wouldn't have anything to
do with your desire to stay on,
would she?
No.
We're just friends.
She says that New York women
don't go for losers.
I suppose not.
But Alison is from Port Huron
isn't she.
Hi.
Hi.
That's a good look for you.
I don't remember much from last
night but I'm so, so, sorry.
Oh my god, your father.
And that woman.
Oh, Mrs. Kowalski.
Don't worry about it.
The last woman she caught
me with had a penis, so...
You're a big step up.
Thanks.
Who's that?
That's my mother.
No way.
Is she a model?
Actress.
In movies?
Some, you know,
British, small parts.
And she still...
No. She died when I was
young.
Must be pretty cool having
your mum in movies.
Well I used to stare at
the TV from time to time
when I was growing up.
You know, just kind of weird.
Ok, a full English fry up.
Perfect hang-over cure.
Get your gob around that.
Not again.
Hi.
I was just...
rooting through your
personal possessions.
I like the opening.
You don't.
Yeah.
Got to read the rest of it. Believe it
or not I'm a pretty good editor.
I don't know, I don't even
know if I'll bother finishing it.
Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.
Is that Troy again?
It's Xilla.
I'm going to jump in the shower and then
I'm going to get out of your hair.
Well, wait 'cause I got you a present.
I was walking past this record
shop in the corner, and I saw it,
I thought it might...
cheer you up.
You said it was
your favourite film.
That is... I don't even know
what to say.
I don't have a turn-table.
Well you can always come
here and listen to it.
Are you kidding?
I can throw up on you again.
Come on.
Come on.
Come let me show you.
Hey Alice.
Versace? You like?
I'm good thanks.
You know honey, everybody needs to
change their look every now and then.
Especially when they have
a new man in their lives.
What?
What are you talking about?
Well the English guy is always
hanging around you these days right?.
Tell me it isn't so?
Of course not.
Thank god, can you imagine.
He's such a creep.
This is gorgeous, but
I'm just too fat.
Don't be crazy.
Alice.
Is Anna fat?
Not at all. Why, she's so thin that
I can take her little spindly body
and snap her over my knee,
like a dry fucking twig.
And for your information,
Sidney Young has more going for
him than anyone in this place.
It works, that's good.
Hey Alison.
I was wondering if...
Hey Alison I was wondering if you
wanted to see a movie or have a meal.
Wanna go on a date?
Might work.
Hello.
Hello Sidney.
I like your costume Vincent.
I'm not wearing a costume.
- Idiot.
- Wanker.
Ok, see you.
George Hamilton.
George Hamilton's not dead.
Isn't he? Ok.
I was looking for you actually.
There was something I
wanted to tell you.
Me first.
I wanted to ask if maybe
you wanted to go to a movie...
What?
I can't understand what
you're saying.
I just wanted to ask you
if, eh...
Back in a minute.
I wanted to tell you that...
Laurence has left his wife and we're
going to be together... officially.
That... that's just brilliant.
So maybe he does care after all
right?
I'm going to...
So Alison told you that
we were getting together right?
Yeah.
I should have did it long ago.
You know me, not very good at
expressing my emotions.
You should be happy
for her.
You being friends and all.
Oh, Sidney.
I thought as much.
You really think you and Alison...
Things really didn't go all
that well for me did they?
Ah well, give it your best shot.
Take the Westside highway please.
Wait.
Let me write the
profile on Vincent.
I don't think so.
You get complete copy approval,
it will be like you wrote it.
Vincent, think about it.
Think of how humiliating
it will be for me.
Please, I'm begging you.
You don't look like you're begging.
Westside Highway please.
Sit down Sidney.
Lawrence Maddox is no longer
working for Sharp's magazine.
Seems Elizabeth got tired of him
screwing around and kicked him out.
She kicked him out?
Richard Heywood doesn't seem to like
the idea of employing an ex-son-in-law
So he's gone.
So is Alison Olsen.
Don't worry about Maddox.
He's already got something lined
up with Gotham magazine.
I going to need somebody
to hold the fort.
At "I Spy".
Strictly on a temporary basis,
you understand.
Oh, one more thing.
I had a call from Eleanor Johnson
this morning.
Wanting to know if you would like
to write a profile on Vincent Lepak.
I don't know how you did it Sidney,
but somehow you...
made it to the next room.
Vincent Lepak
Long live the King
By Sidney Young
Nice robe.
Oh, thanks.
Ralph Lauren, it was a gift.
Who from?
Ralph Lauren, I was
doing a piece and...
I wanted to say congratulations,
I heard about your promotion.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks.
How's things going with you?
Good, fine, everything's...
I'm working for this
little literary magazine.
It's in New York.
So I left you a bunch of messages.
Yeah, I know, I've been so busy.
I thought so.
How's the novel doing.
I am still working on it.
You should keep at it.
I believe in you.
Actually I never give you these.
It's just... you know.
You don't have to use them.
If you don't want to.
I mean...
You know...
Oh hey Alice.
Where did it all go so wrong?
Bye.
Sophie is going to get an Apollo Film
Awards nomination for best actress.
Wow, that's great.
But the nominations haven't
been announced yet.
That is correct.
Which is why we have absolutely
no way of knowing whether or not
she will be nominated.
But when she is nominated,
we would like Sharp's to do a feature.
Someone to cover the whole lead-up.
Unrestricted access.
The trajectory, the building
of this unique brand.
I'm going to have a logo.
So here's the deal.
Sophie wants you to write the story.
You can be my bitch.
Merry Christmas Sidney.
This is a cover story.
I think a little celebration
is in order.
You didn't do it.
I couldn't do it, it's very high.
What are you?
A limpy pig.
What?
I'm your little limpy pig.
Now it's time to pay the forfeit.
What you got?
I've got my little limpy pig dance.
Give me your ring.
I can't.
Why not?
I cannot.
Give me your ring.
I want it.
I can't.
Ok.
If you give me your ring and I win
tomorrow, I'll let you have sex with me.
Oh thank you Mike.
I'll buy you a better one,
just as soon as I...
No you won't.
I'm always going to keep this one.
I'll never part with it.
Never, never, never.
Let's do it properly.
Please.
What people don't realize is that
all saints start out as human beings.
All human beings
fall in love.
Well, well.
Look at you.
Congratulations.
Your fortune right.
You go up and I go down.
You're here with Sophie?
How about doing your old rabbi
a favour. A little interview.
Is Alison here?
No.
We went our separate ways.
Actually she left me.
She tells me she's in love
with someone else.
Nope, not you I'm afraid Sidney.
Some guy named Clark.
Can you believe it?
These are the sacrifices we make.
I don't need to tell you.
This is not a vacation, vocation...
So here I am, at the
center of everything.
I got the tux, I got
the watch.
I got the life.
I am exactly where
I wanted to be.
I've made it to Shangri La.
I gonna have to have the ring back.
What are you doing?
Hey, what are you doing.
What's he doing?
Give me the ring back.
My mother gave me this ring,
she told me to give it to the one.
She's not the one!
I don't want to be on the inside,
I do not want to be at the party.
I don't want to have sex with you.
I killed Cuba.
Fucking fucker!
Sodom and Gomorrah.
Sidney Young.
Hey Vincent.
Sidney.
Fuck.
Have a nice flight.
I need a ticket to New York
please.
The next available flight isn't until
tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock.
It arrives at New York at
There's nothing sooner?
No, I'm afraid not.
Fine I'll take it.
Hi, you've reached Alison
please leave a message.
Oh and Joe if that's you I've got
the tickets for Empire brook tomorrow.
See you there.
Bye.
Alison's it's me, it's Sidney.
Listen, my battery is very low...
Can I see you?
I don't think I'm going to be
working for Sharp's any more.
But it's fine.
I thought I wanted all that stuff.
I wanted to be special.
To have the money and be treated
differently to anybody else.
Can I have an upgrade.
But I don't, ok?
Who's Joe?
Can I get your autograph?
What, 'cause I'm on the TV?
'Cause I'm up there close to
the movie stars?
You think I'm special?
For your credit card.
Yes.
Do you have any baggage?
Plenty.
Stop the car, stop the car.
Hi.
Hi.
How's the novel coming on?
It's finished.
Thanks for the editing.
..:: TheGhost ::..
Supposing Queen Elizabeth had been
misguided enough to marry an English Commoner.
Janet.
I'm sorry Ms. Fox, I didn't quite hear.
Obviously you're immersed in problems of far
greater significant than Elizabeth's foreign policy.
When I was a kid, I used to think
there was a special place where
All the movie stars lived
A kind of Shangri La.
And if you could just get inside there,
You'd be happy.
Forever.
All these years later,
I'm finally inside.
I've made it... to Shangri La.
My name is Sidney Young.
I am a celebrity correspondent.
A journalist, a friend to the stars.
Yeah... that... that isn't me.
This is me.
At the Apollo Film Awards
in L.A., this year.
That's my Armani tuxedo.
That's an Omega Speed Master Pro
watch I'm wearing.
That's the actress, Sophie Maes.
Last night she told me she'd let
me have sex with her if she won...
the best actress award.
Oh!... She just won the Best Actress Award
My life didn't used to be like this.
Only a year ago, my alternative magazine,
"The Post Modern Review", was on the ropes.
I needed a big celebrity scoop to save
me from bankruptcy and humiliation.
But there was just one problem.
To cross the thin red line
that separates the Lookie Loo's from the stars,
You had to be famous.
Babe?
Babe 3 yeah..
But it hasn't got any ID...
How many pigs are coming tonight?
You want me to leave him with you?
No, no, no, you can not leave him here...
If you're positive you're supposed to...
Well, well... Sidney Young.
Well, well, clipboard Nazi type woman.
The pig doesn't get in.
What about me?
I was talking about you.
Plan B: If you cannot crash
the awards ceremonies
You had to get in to one
of the after show parties.
Of these, the most exclusive,
was the Sharp's Magazine party.
Hosted by legendary editor
Clayton Harding.
Here the A-list could finally relax.
Safe in the knowledge that no Lookie Loo
would book a room in one of
London's most expensive hotels
just to be close to them.
OK Kevin, I want you in bed
by 10 o'clock, OK?
And no porn.
When I'm in L.A. I like to stay
at the Chateau, where else...
And then when I'm in London I also
like to stay here at the Haymarket.
It's got to the point where I don't
feel at home unless I'm in a hotel.
Do you know what I mean?
What is it you do?
I'm a writer, I'm a movie writer.
Great.
Hello.
Sir?
Is everything all right?
You have the most amazing cheekbones.
Have you had plastic surgery?
No, and you?
Me? No..
Penis reduction when I was a kid...
- You are too much!
- I am, aren't I?
What's your name again?
Clark, Clark Baxter.
How do you do?
Your... little... moustache...
Oh shit!
Sara, get security.
Sidney Young got in.
Who's Sidney Young?
Oh fuck!
Plan C: keep a low profile and leave
as unobtrusively as possible.
Can you get that?
Can you get the phone please?
The post modern review with an English
celebrity is a text to be deconstructed...
No we don't hate celebrities..
.. I am an internationally respected academic.
And prick.
You answer the phone,
What do I pay you for?
You don't pay me.
Answer the phone.
Hello, Post Modern Review.
If she doesn't apologize, I'm quitting.
You're going to have to apologize,
okay, George can't leave.
Why can't George leave?
Because he owns the Fax machine, that's why.
What?
It's Sharp's magazine.
We're finished.
We're not finished.
If they sue we're finished...
It's going to be OK,
give me the phone...
Be quiet.
Sidney Young.
This is Clayton Harding,
editor of Sharp's Magazine.
Ah, Lord Vader.
I saw you at my party. Just before you
ruined it with your little pig stunt.
Oh, you liked that did you?.
Sure.
I especially liked the part where
Clint Eastwood beat the shit out of you.
Well, you listen to me,
I'm not scared of you Harding.
You can sue if you like,
but it's like... Jimmy Stewart said...
You sit up there in your spindly little webs,
And you think the whole world revolves
around you and your money, but it doesn't Mister.
Mister..
- Potter.
Potter!
You may sue us OK, but I warn you
if you strike me down...
- Mr Johnson's here to see you.
- I will become more powerful than
you can possibly imagine
Destroy me and a hundred men
will spring up in my place.
Men who care nothing for success, men who
can't be bought, men who's only loyalty...
I want you to come to work for me
at Sharp's magazine in New York.
Fight!
Fight!
That's not coming out!
Can You say that again please?
Thanks asshole.
Sorry.
Oh fuck!
This magazine you're working for,
it is good?
Yeah, it's Sharp's.
You know, Sharp's Magazines?
High society, fashion, fine..
finance, Hollywood celebrities.
Hollywood?
It's Sodom and Gomorrah.
Now everybody is celebrity.
You take out your breasts
you are celebrity.
I think it really depends
on the breasts.
In Poland, someone was famous
because they done something.
Marie Curie..
Paul John Paul...
Yes, well they don't make entertainers
like that any more, do they.
They brought your things yesterday.
Great.
Yeah.
It's nice.
I like it.
I'll put my drums in
the corner over there.
Joking.
Just a little.
When you start work?
In the morning.
So got to be fresh,
make a good impression.
Go to bed.
That's exactly what I intend to do.
Make that two.
I'm Clark.
Clark Baxter.
Nice to meet you, cheers.
What is this?
That's a water, sir.
That's not right is it, put a
bit of beer in or something.
I'm sorry, my boyfriend's sitting there.
Is he?
He's fucking small isn't he.
That's his White Russian,
he'll be here any second.
Excuse me? Can you reserve
seats in this bar?.
No.
I'm a journalist.
I work for a little periodical
you might have heard of.
Sharps Magazine.
I'm the Cultural Editor.
This is library card, from Gloucester.
It's the wrong one isn't it...
Happy now?
Just doing my bit for the gene pool.
Who is that with Clint Eastwood?
Morgan Freeman.
No, in the head-lock.
You got this laminated?
Shit... Sorry, sorry.
No, no, no, just leave it.
OK then.
It's pronounced "gloster" by the way.
Are you going to get off that seat?
No.
Do you know the meaning of Karma?
A curry?
What goes around, comes around.
The moment is approaching where you'll
pay the price for being an asshole.
And when my boyfriend gets here, I'm going
to encourage him to take you outside...
Hello?
Hi honey.
All right, I'll see you then.
Boyfriend not coming?
I'm Sorry.
Do you think..?
Do you think I can have his drink?
Bobby.
You want my seat?
I'm just leaving.
Thanks.
Who do you think that is
with Clint Eastwood?
I'm going to go powder my nose.
Why don't you put on something
a little more romantic?
Mrs Labowski.
Kowalsky.
You know what time it is?
The music blaring, the door open.
Was it?
Fuck..
I mean sorry...
Shit...
I mean sorry..
I ran into an old friend...
and came back for a little...
... Penis.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You so can do this.
Come on Bob... A quick cup
of coffee, then you gotta go.
This is my city.
This is my building.
This is my Lobby.
These are my models.
This is my work place.
And this is my boss.
What the fuck are you wearing?
You like it?
I've got another one actually.
Thanks.
The next time you come here dressed like
that you follow this shirt, you understand?
Sit down.
How was your flight?
It was good. Thanks to the
business class tickets, Clay?
That was a mistake.
And don't call me Clay.
Oh, can we smoke?
We... no.
Actually I'm a big fan of your
early... funnier, stuff
Snipe Magazine, really good.
You've actually been a big influence on me.
And I think together we can inject
some of that Snipe spirit into Sharp's.
In fact I've got some
idea which you might...
You think you've arrived don't you?
I hate to break it to you,
but you're only in the first room.
It's not nothing, don't get
me wrong, but eh...
It's not that great either, believe me
there's plenty of people in this town
Who made it to the first level
and didn't get any further.
And in about a year,
maybe longer,
You'll discover a secret doorway,
at the back of the first room,
That leads to the 2nd.
And in time, if you're lucky,
you'll discover...
another doorway in the back of the
There are 7 rooms, altogether.
You are in the 1st.
I'm in the 7th.
Don't you forget it.
Can I use the bathroom in the 7th,
cause the one in the 1st really smells.
Which leads us to the subject
of your sense of humor.
I had a look through
your magazine here.
Oh, what did you think?
Oh, it was kind of snarky...
and bitter... and witless.
I'm gonna try you out in
the "I Spy" section.
You're going to report
to Lawrence Maddox.
Plausibly, I know we've only just met,
already I perceive I'm in the presence
of a rare common sensibility.
Oh, thanks.
Harding is going to be your Rabbi,
show you the ropes.
Oh, Mr Maddox.
Are you aware of what
we do at "I Spy"?
You photograph famous people
when they're drunk.
"I Spy" is the nation's
window to high society.
The Lookie Loo's read us because...
they weren't there.
The glitterati read us because
we tell them they were there.
For the system to work,
we have to know what "there" is.
So when we go out to clubs and stuff,
is that on expenses?
This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.
And when we do go out, you're going to
have to wear something more suitable.
What do you mean by suitable?
Something that covers all this up.
Is that Mussolini?
No Sydney, it's Richard Heywood,
owner of this magazine.
Who's this funny looking kid,
is that his son,
It's his daughter.
Elizabeth.
And my wife.
Really?
She's very... she's got...
I mean babies are all like Mussolini.
Miss Olsen takes care of book launchings,
gallery openings and other intellectual fare.
Ms Olsen will you find our new
rookie something to do?
I hear the Cultural Editor's
job is up for grabs.
Seeing I'm going to be sitting
just there, don't you think we
should put last night behind us?
No, now get off my desk.
Yeah, but...
I don't really know what
I'm supposed to be doing.
Are you gonna help me out?
Sure, which way did you come in?
Here, Chris Blick exhibition opening.
Caption it.
Now get out off my desk.
Hi.
Oh, hi Ingrid.
Aren't you going to introduce us?
This is Clark Baxter.
It's Sidney actually, Sidney Young.
Clark Baxter is my alias.
He's English.
Oh, right.
Hello.
Is that the Parsons Gallery.
Yes it is, this is
Celia Parsons speaking.
Hi, this is Sidney Young
from Sharp's magazine.
We're running some photographs from your
opening of the Chris Blick exhibition,
And I've been asked to caption them...
I was wondering if you could help
me to identify a few people.
All right.
Thanks.
Chris Blick, man or woman?
Is Chris Blick a man or a woman?
Are you sure you're calling
from Sharp's Magazine?
Yes I am.
Well then tell me Stanley,
why are they giving you this assignment,
If you do not know who one of the
most famous artists in America is?
I don't know.
He's a man.
Great, OK, is he an old man?
He's an older man, yes.
Cause I've got two old men here,
is he the fat one?
You do realize that Clayton Harding
is a personal friend of mine?
What's that got to do with anything?
Right...
Parsons Gallery?
Is he the one with the wonky eye then?
It's fashion sensitive.
If you're not wearing Prada,
it'll take your arm clean off.
But I am wearing Prada.
This place isn't what I expected.
What did you expect?
I don't know, like the Argunkle circle.
Dorothy Parker...
Martinis...
Quips... nobody here is drunk.
It's called being professional,
You should try it sometime.
Here's something you gotta understand,
okay, I'm not really one of you.
By you, do you mean human?
No, I mean one of the "Glossy Posse",
A bunch of Zombies walking about...
pets to the stars.
Acting like they're
working for the UN.
I'm here to shake things up.
Where are you from?
Not that it's any of your business, but
Port Huron, Michigan.
Ah... small-town girl.
"I bet you couldn't wait to get out,
get anywhere, get all the way to the NYC"
"Silence of the Lambs".
Let me give you a bit of advice, OK.
Don't take the celebrity
fluff too seriously.
You arrogant...
Are you insane?
That was Lawrence Maddox's wife,
Elizabeth, her father owns Sharp's.
That was her?
The Mussolini baby.
I can go back...
No, you do not approach Elizabeth Maddox.
You do not talk to her, don't even
make eye contact with her.
Do you understand?
What, am I supposed to be afraid?
Yes.
I don't know the meaning of
the word "fear"
I'm sure there are many words
you don't know the meaning of.
What's that mean?
When I think of all the people
who'd kill to be where you are,
And you lumbering here, spitting food,
haven't the brains god gave a mollusc...
Why did Clayton hire you?
Snipe Magazine.
What?
When Clayton left college he
started this magazine called Snipe.
It was fantastic, just took on all the
self-important celebrities in town,
It was completely fearless.
It was like my magazine,
But 20 years earlier.
I am the young Clayton Harding,
that's why he hired me.
He looks at me and
he sees his glory days.
His "glory days"?
Sharp's is one of over 40
national magazines in the world.
That increased its advertising pages
by 60% since he took over.
He makes millions of dollars a year,
he lives in a Bank Street town house,
and week-ends in the Hamptons.
Clayton Harding is one of the lynch pins
of the media industrial complex.
Don't worry about that.
I think I just might be
in time to save him.
Hello, you've reached Sidney Young.
I'm Sorry, but my answering
machine is out of order, so
The voice you're hearing is actually me.
What do you want?
Sidney.
Are you there?
Sidney.
It's your father.
If you're there Sydney, please
answer the phone.
Sidney, are you there?
Wow! Look at that.
Are you two texting each other?
There's about a hundred grand's worth of
food here, and I'm the only one eating it.
Want some?
No.
This place is just wall to wall totty.
Wall to wall, what?
Totty, you know, babes.
Sexually attractive women.
- Do you mind?
- What?
Hey Lawrence, how are you?
Good to see you.
Look at that.
All night long people have
been treating us like royalty.
In London, the journalist motto is
everybody hates us and we don't care.
Well now your one of the high priests
of what's hot and what's not.
I shouldn't even be here.
I get thrown out of places like this.
Lawrence Maddox, oh my goodness...
Long time.
Yeah.
Rachel.
Rachel, how are you?
Well I'm wonderful, just wonderful.
How are you?
You know it is so funny
I should run into you.
I've just done this great
little film, it's called 5 Burros.
It's low-budget,
first time director,
But it's really moving.
Hey, maybe you could do a little...
Vincent.
Good to see you.
Lawrence, right?
Yeah.
How are you sir?
- Good,
- Good to see you too.
How's the picture?
Pretty close to perfect, if I can just
get all the experts to leave me alone.
I think we're gonna have
some screenings next week.
Hey! That was Rachel Petkoff.
Fantastic actress.
She hasn't done anything for
a while, but in her day...
- Sure...
- No seriously, I think she's due for a comeback.
You should get in there,
do a profile, before anyone else...
Sidney, I'd like to introduce
you to Vincent Lepak, "Enfant Terrible".
In my opinion the most exciting
new director in American cinema.
This is the worst fundraiser
I've been to my whole life.
It's a ratfire isn't it?
Excuse me.
Can I have your autograph please?
I'm a huge fan.
Is that so?
Yeah, I've seen everything
you've been in.
Those episodes of "The Love Boat".
"The Bionic Woman",
and "Songbirds".
"In the Night",
And I saw your first ever TV appearance
"The Twilight Zone - House of Mirrors".
Right.
But my all-time favorite has
to be "A Day Too Long".
You were great in that.
What's you name, honey?
Sidney.
Sidney Young.
Thanks.
I'll remember that.
Thank you.
I mean you look around you
and it's all shit, you know.
No-one's making movies that
are fucking worthwhile.
I have disagree with you Vincent.
You're making movies
that are worthwhile.
This is what I'm saying.
You have to inspire yourself.
I am my role model,
I want to be me.
What's the greatest film ever made?
Excuse me?
What is the greatest film ever made?
Have a guess.
Well... I don't know,
I don't think there is one...
Have a guess!
Yeah, have a guess,
what's the greatest film ever made.
It's hard to say.
I personally love
La Dolce Vita.
Incorrect.
Con Air.
I beg your pardon?
Con Air.
Right? It's got everything hasn't it?
You got Malkovich for your acting chops.
You got Nicky Cage for your action.
And Steve Buscemi for your comedy.
John Cusack for the gays...
It's like a smorgisboard isn't it?
I don't think we've been introduced.
Mr Young, this is Eleanor Johnson.
Queen of New York.
Sidney is from England.
He's our very own "idiot savant",
without the "savant".
Well it's always nice to have
fresh blood to these things.
Which reminds me,
I am here with Sophie Maes.
I want you to meet her.
His new film,
"The Making of a Saint".
The buzz is amazing.
The release is being tied in with the
roll-out of the Versace campaign.
And Louis Vuiton is on the line.
This train is leaving the station.
What, you're a publicist?
I don't really like that word Sidney.
What do I call you then?
You can call me Eleanor.
All right.
There she is.
Sophie, give us a smile!
This one will go far.
Where is the car?
What's it doing at the back?
Well, forget what I said,
I want it at the front now.
I just think it's so awful
how we're still exploiting animals,
Which is why I won't wear fur,
or leather, or wear makeup.
I'm a vegetarian.
I'm with you on that one.
I won't eat anything with eyebrows.
Or something that can chuckle. I would
never eat an animal that could chuckle.
I'm sorry, I can't really
understand your accent very well.
I just.. nothing.... just
So you're an actress?
So you've not won any Oscars then?
No.
Cause I would definitely vote for
you for best supporting dress.
I haven't been nominated for anything.
I realise, I'm just saying...
Sophie, dear,
Are you ready?
Yeah.
I was joking...
cause your dress was obviously...
You know what to do.
Thank you.
Lovely.
Sophie, Sophie!
I'm going to the circle club,
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, good night.
Push up.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the club.
I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
Cuba!
See, even Cuba says so.
Cuba...
Who's a good boy.
To the Circle Club.
It just turns my stomach.
He's pouring all over her, he's
old enough to be her father.
No he isn't.
Yes he is.
Actually I was producing
sperm when I was 13...
For your information he wasn't pawing
her, he was just doing his job.
In case you haven't noticed, Sharp's has
to have a star on its cover every month
And most of these stars are
Eleanor's clients so...
do not piss her off.
She's a flack.
Hacks do not take orders from flacks.
And I wouldn't call that doing his job,
he had no blood left in his upper body
Oh, and the next time you want to do that
hilariously ironic "I love Con Air" skid...
- I wasn't being ironic...
- would you mind?
Not doing it in front of Vincent Lepak,
who happens to be very important.
Yeah, I could tell that by the way he was
allowed to stay up past his bedtime.
Do you think she'll go out with me?
Who?
Sophie Maes, do you think
she'll go out with me?
No.
Girls like Sophie do
not date journalists.
As far as she's concerned
you're the help.
What do you know anyway?
A lot of these starlets
are lonely.
All they do is look around for men.
This is New York, Sidney, women
only date men who are successful.
I'm gonna be successful.
And tall.
Have you seen this?
She's everywhere.
Good cover.
From Sophie Maes.
Thanks for the great night.
Sweet kid.
Sidney...
about last night.
A word of advice.
Don't talk to the celebrities.
Sophie said you made her uncomfortable.
So Brad's people finally
got back to me with the agreement.
We have the whole afternoon
before the shoot.
Good work Lawrence.
OK, if that's it...
Actually I was thinking Clay...
Paris Hilton.
I do a profile of her as if
she's this complete recluse,
Like a hermit.
I'm tracking her down.
Who is the elusive Paris Hilton,
and why she's so publicity shy?
Good...
Just changing....
That's first room stuff, Sidney,
and call me Clay one more time
see what happens.
Sorry.
No, I love this, but I'm
so fat I couldn't.
Get out of here.
You look totally rexy.
God, that's so sweet.
I don't mean to be rude Sidney,
but what the fuck do you want?
You know how things work here,
How am I gonna get a piece
of the magazine?
I thought all this fluff
was beneath you.
It is beneath me,
but things have changed.
What's changed?
I know everybody thinks I'm
a bit of an idiot.
And maybe I didn't have the
best start here, but...
I want...
I want...
I want to have sex with Sophie Maes,
before Maddox does.
You're loathsome, do you know that?
I know he's got a bit of a head start.
But I think I can win her back,
cause once I get my hooks into a girl,
She never gets free.
Like ringworm?
If you like.
Where you going?
Hey buddy, you big corporate
dick lick...
Hello, I'd like to apply for a
a Master Card, please.
Yeah.
Hon. Sidney Young.
Hon, H-O-N, it's short for honorable.
Yeah, it's a British title.
The Queen?
Yeah, I know the Queen.
She used to be in my
break-dancing posse.
She's a buddy more than anything.
Fuck!
Hello Cuba...
He likes you.
So, how does it feel to be a star?
No, no, it's so embarrassing,
Those pictures are everywhere now, and I
had no idea that dress was so see-through.
Plus everybody's talking like
it was some kind of stunt.
Such a cynical age, hmm?
Hello Sidney.
I was looking for my...
Lawrence is taking us to
lunch at Cipriani.
That's nice.
Can I leave Cuba here?
He doesn't like Italian food.
Of course you can,
he can stay in my office.
Sidney, fetch Cuba a bowl of water.
Well, of course.
That is a lovely ring.
Where is that from?
It was my mother's,
she gave it to me.
Oh, you sweetie.
It's very very...
So listen.
You've met Vincent Lepak,
haven't you Sidney?
Eh, yeah.
He has a new movie coming out soon.
And Lawrence is already
stretched as it is.
How would you like to
do the feature on him?
Yeah, I would actually.
Yes, very much.
Well, great.
Maybe we can get together
and discuss the angle.
Okay.
What do you mean, angle?
Well I need to know how
we're going to present Vincent,
Check the story and so on.
Are you saying you want copy approval?
Any stories written about
my clients need to be
in their best interest.
That's all.
If things work out with Vincent,
maybe we can talk about a follow-up
story on Sophie.
What do you think?
I'm sorry, I don't work that way.
Sidney, dear...
Think of it like this,
You write about one of my clients,
you are borrowing some of their starlight,
To help sell your magazine.
All I'm saying is "quid pro quo".
Starlight?
Hello Cuba...
Hello.
It's uncle Sidney, I've come to
see how you are, yes.
What's this?
Would you like a little play?
Fetch!
There you go.
That's it, that's it.
Well done.
You and me are going to
be pals, aren't we?
You're going to like me much much better
than that prick Maddox. Yes you are.
Ready?
Come on...
Shit...
That's my bag.
Yes, I was going to borrow
it for a second.
What are you talking about?
I'll bring it right back, I'm just..
Oh my!
It was an accident.
What did you do?
I was just trying to
make friends... and then...
Please don't tell her,
don't tell her.
Cuba!
Fuck no.
What are you doing?
Alison!
Have you seen Cuba?
What?
Have you seen Sophie's dog?
No, no idea.
Well come and help us find him.
Don't worry.
Clay, you got a minute?
You find that rat yet?
No, not yet, probably just
got out of the building.
Congratulations on the
"Man of the Year" thing.
How was lunch?
I don't know.
A thousands dollars a plate
all I could taste was ass.
I'm kissing their ass,
they're kissing my ass.
I get this dream sometimes.
Someone's set fire to the building.
Heywood, Sharp's magazine,
the whole thing up in flames.
My analyst, he thinks it's
an anxiety dream.
I never let him know how happy
I am watching the fucker burn.
What do you want?
I want to write a story
about Vincent Lepak.
Not a puff piece, something funny, with
teeth, like Snipe would have done.
Everyone's treating him like some sort
of genius, and he's not, he's an idiot.
Look at this.
Why do I have a closet full of
blue fucking shirts?
I don't know...
I don't know either.
This is an office, for god's sake.
Why do I even have a fucking closet?
Do it.
Fuck, yeah!
Do it.
He's an annoying little prick.
We'll take him down.
This is your shot.
Thanks Clayton.
You're my little hit-man.
Yes, I am your little hit-man.
Go do it.
Okay!
You can call me "The Jackal".
Out!
Okay.
Mr Young.
Yes.
I'm Sophie Mae's assistant.
I'm afraid Sophie isn't
here right now.
Well, I know she's here.
I'm not a stalker.
I just know she's upset because...
She lost the dog.
She isn't here.
All right, well can you please just find
out if she got my presents?
Okay...
Did you send the flowers?
Flowers?
Yeah, cause she doesn't get enough
flowers, does she? I sent the fish.
You know, goldfish,
in a bowl.
Did she get 'em?
Yes, but they were dead.
All of 'em?
Yeah.
It was kind of shocking actually.
Were they dead when you sent them?
No!
Who sends people dead fish?
The Mafia.
Oh my god!
You're like a serial killer.
No, no, no, that wasn't me.
I laid him to rest.
Cuba.
I took him out to the eh...
I don't want to know.
You might want your bag back.
Stop.
Also just the whole, not telling thing,
just wanted to say I appreciate that...
because you didn't have to do it,
a lot of people wouldn't have done it.
Why didn't you?
You don't need my help to
screw up here Sidney.
The only thing you make are mistakes.
And stains.
Can I help you?
Just a couple of straws please.
Let me ask...
What is it with this book?
You're always writing in it.
Is it like a diary?
It's a novel I'm working on.
- Wow!
- Yeah, I know, I'm a walking clich.
No, it's all right,
it's very impressive.
And you're writing it by hand?
Yeah.
I don't know, it keeps it separate from
the magazine work, makes it seem special.
You're full of surprises, sister.
Ah, White Russian, been waiting
for your boyfriend?
Yeah, he'll be here soon.
What does he do this mystery guy?
Is he like a hack too, or...
Actually he's a poet.
Oooh is he?
What does he look like?
What?
Poets are not known for
being that good-looking,
'cause they're always in dark rooms,
and they look like Golum
He's very handsome, thank you.
Of course he is.
You know what I don't understand.
You're so desperate to get
a story in the magazine,
So why wouldn't you play
ball with Eleanor, write a puff piece?
I resent being bribed to gush
sycophantically by the star.
I choose to gush sycophantically.
Okay.
Anyway, Clayton's given me
a story so, I'm on my way.
That's good.
In a world where passion is
forbidden, and belief divine,
The love you've held for a man,
she gave to all mankind.
You've given yourself
to Christ my child.
How can it be wrong...?
I believe in love,
that is all we have.
And we must give it
wherever it is most needed.
Sometimes, before you can
find God,
You have to find the world.
Calcutta.
Stand up, Mother Teresa.
Sophie Maes is Mother Teresa in
"The Making of a Saint".
Anyway I got to shoo off,
I leave you in peace.
With your poet.
Bye.
Bye.
I've still got the receipt so...
Which, makes it a half a page left,
Lawrence, any ideas?
Yes, Rachel Petkoff, fabulous
Sundance actress.
One of my all-time favorites.
Just made a movie called 5 Burros.
I think she's poised for a comeback.
And I think we should get
there first, do a piece
Sounds good.
Let's do it.
Okay, that's it people.
What?
Did you read my piece
on Vincent Lepak?
Yeah, that...
That's not gonna work.
Oh, and for those of you
who haven't heard.
Alison will be running the
"I Spy" section from now on,
As Laurence here is moving up in the
world, he's replacing Greg Roberts
as Deputy Editor.
Congratulations.
I'm Sorry.
Since when is Rachel one of
your favorite actresses?
You'd never fucking heard of her.
That was my idea.
And so it was yes.
If you have any more good ideas don't
forget to bring them by my new office.
By the way.
There's been complaints about you
skulking by the water cooler.
Trying to talk to women,
that's inappropriate behaviour.
What?
You spend your life chatting
up the staff.
When I do it it's called
flirting,
When you do it, it's called
sexual harassment.
Consider this an official warning.
I will not tolerate
sexist behavior.
I know that wasn't Greg's
way of working.
But Greg isn't Deputy Editor any more.
I am.
And I,
Am making changes.
What?
Hi Lawrence. There's a lady
here that's been looking for you.
Can I help you?
Are you Lawrence Maddox
the new Deputy Editor?
Yes?
I'm here to congratulate you
on your promotion.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, you are?
I'm your present.
Laurence this is inappropriate
behavior, wouldn't you say?
This is wrong, I should record this.
Fuck the misuse of company time.
- Stop.
- I'm not doing anything.
Hey Mrs. Harding
Oh my god,
So adorable.
This is Ingrid from the
fashion department.
You're getting so big.
Where's Mr Maddox now?
He moved to room 217,
and it's just over there.
Ok.
Bye.
Bye.
Girls, let's go see Mr. Maddox.
My God this is terrible.
There's a surprise.
Look at this.
What do you think?
Mrs. Harding?
Girls.
I got cock on my hand.
Get in.
I didn't know it was
"take our daughters to work" day.
I didn't know there was a
"take our daughters to work" day.
Shut up.
You know, when I told my wife...
I hired another Brit.
She was excited.
She still thinks you're all like
something out of "Pride and Prejudice".
But after what she just saw
in that room.
Now she thinks you're a
British person born in New Jersey.
Why did I hire you?
I don't know, why did you hire me?
I had an attack of nostalgia.
But it's passed.
Like gas.
What was wrong with my story?
What?
Why did you kill my
Vincent Lepak Story?
Sidney, it wasn't good enough.
Simple as that.
Wasn't good enough!
We don't do hatchet jobs here.
It wasn't a hatchet job.
Your opening quotation...
It's only too easy to catch
people's attention by...
Doing something worse than anyone
else has dared do it before.
Who you thinking of here,
Yourself or Vincent?
He is a talentless, pretentious little twat
who thinks that cinema began with Tarantino.
And somebody needed to say that.
You told me to do something with teeth.
I'm trying to run a fucking
magazine here.
A free press is the last defense
against the tyranny of stupidity.
Save me the tin-pot philosophy.
It's not mine it's yours.
First issue of Snipe.
Would you grow the fuck up?
You are not Robin Hood.
You never were.
You bitch about famous people for the
same reason I used to bitch about them.
Because they got invited to the party.
And you didn't.
Well Sidney,
You're at the party now.
Quit your bitching and
do your fucking job.
You're on your last life here,
do you understand that?
One more fuck-up like today,
you're gone.
Wouldn't you have to run a decision
like that past Eleanor first?
Get out.
I can't believe you hired
Bob as a stripper.
I didn't hire him,
she did it as a favour.
I thought you wanted to
be a success here.
I do.
It wasn't me it was Clark.
Oh, your alias, right.
I don't think Clayton is going to
publish anything I write you know.
I've been on salary for
And I've written probably a 175 words.
I think dollar per word basis,
I am the highest paid writer
in the history of this magazine.
He's not going to renew my contract.
Well, what do you expect?
I mean, Vincent's one
of Eleanor's clients.
I told you they're untouchables.
I thought Clayton was different,
I really did.
The only thing I'm good at
is pissing people off.
And they won't even let me do that.
"My glory walks hand in hand with my doom".
It's "Troy".
Troy who?
"Troy" the movie.
Clayton only hired me so
I could be shunned.
Everybody hates me.
You're the only one who
would talk to me.
You cornered me.
I'm serious.
You're the only person who's been...
you know.
Most... abusive to me.
Excuse me for a sec.
Rachel, hey.
Hello again.
Hello.
Laurence is a wonderful writer, I really
felt like he got to the heart of me.
I'm sorry, have we...?
It's Sidney, Sidney Young, we met
at the pool-side benefit.
I saw 5 Burros the other day,
And I just wept.
No...
Like a baby.
Absolutely incredible.
I just thought it was the best
piece of work I've seen in...
Sophie darling.
We were just talking, did you know
that Lawrence published a book of poetry.
No.
Called "The Whole Heart", yeah,
really terrific.
You write poems?
In another life.
Cointreau?
And the White Russian.
Right here.
So Sidney.
What time does the stripper come on?
Shut up Maddox.
Where's your sense of humor
Sidney?
Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke.
Hi, Mrs. Harding.
Hi.
It's a lovely party.
Having fun.
Jesus!
Has anyone ever told you before
that you have an unusually dark aura?
Yes.
You should walk with bare feet
as much as possible.
Ground all that negative energy.
What are you, a wizard, what?
I'm a spiritual healer.
Oh, can you make a
living out of that?
God no.
I'm a dentist.
You want do some coke?
Oy! Orlando, you used to be English.
Fuck!
You OK?
What?
I said, are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You?
Yeah.
No, actually I'm not.
I hate my life, so you know
I'm going to get drunk.
Right, I'll see you then.
How could you?
What?
How could you and Maddox
have an affair.
For god's sake.
The man with hidden shallows.
Goddamit Maddox!
How can you live with yourself?
I couldn't.
That's why I've broken up with him.
You broke up with him?
Which leg did you hurt?
This one.
God... Fuck... God!
You know what?
There's something very
damaged about you.
Like an animal that's been
hit by a car or something.
Like a deer or like a pig,
maybe.
You walk all funny and the other
animals keep away from you.
Little limpy pig.
I'm Joan of sick animals.
That's why I picked Cuba.
Because he had like,
psychological problems.
Poor little Cuba.
Where is he now?
Feels I'm wasted.
I'm really wasted.
I slept it off.
Congratulations on becoming
incredibly famous by the way.
Thanks.
What's that like?
Weird.
It's all happening so fast and it sort
of feels like it has nothing to do with me.
Kind of like I'm not
really even here.
You know what would be nice though?
Some coke.
It's probably just as well
I don't have any though.
Coke always makes me so horny.
I need the wizard dentist.
I need the wizard...
Not you...
The dentist wizard.
The wizard stroke dentist.
Ok, all right, you got it.
Thank you, thank you so much.
It's OK.
I will never, never,
never forget this.
It's OK, really.
What are you doing?
None of your business.
You can't drive like that OK.
Just sleep it of.
Just leave, you, you stupid asshole
I hate you.
And secondly... secondly...
I hate you because you're a stupid asshole.
If you drive in this condition
you're going to kill yourself OK?
Who cares if I did?
I hate my life.
I gotta go.
Just come here.
No, don't touch me.
I hate my car.
No give me the keys.
I gotta go home.
I thought I had it all figured out.
A, get the hell out of Port Huron,
come to New York
B, do the serious journalism to pay
the bills while I write the novel.
C, win the Pulitzer.
E,..
D!
D, I don't know what D was.
When I took the internship at Sharp's.
I met Maddox.
And then before you know it I'm writing
And pretending this is what
I wanted.
And this isn't what I wanted.
And that's why I hated you.
You hated me?
You were right, about me.
I'm a ghoul writing fluff.
You're not a ghoul, OK,
you're a zombie.
Am I afraid of a real relationship?
Do I think an affair is all I deserve?
I mean... ok, he's handsome
and successful and...
He's great in bed.
Oh, God be quiet!
Fine.
When I told him I couldn't
see him anymore.
I don't know if he cared.
I love him,
And I don't know if he cares.
I'm sure he does care.
Ok. He's probably not very
good at expressing his emotions.
Ok, let's just calm down, don't
get snot everywhere,
'cause it's a rental.
Oh, God!
What?
Oh! That's grim!
Alison, what's your address?
Alison I need to know your address.
How?
Not my stairs no.
Will you shut up?
You'll wake the old bitch up.
Hi.
Did we wake you?
God, I'm a whore.
- I'm a whore
- Hello dad.
I love this song.
She's not actually a prostitute.
Oh, good.
So Sidney's dad.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Alison.
Delighted to meet you.
I'm from Port Huron.
And you must be Sidney's mummy.
No, I'm not.
Oh, ok, I mean my dad remarried too,
so that's cool.
Do you have any cigarettes?
What is this?
Oh, hey, is this... ?
I think it's probably cocaine.
It wasn't actually for me.
It was going to give it
to this young actress.
So Mr. Sidney.
What you doing here?
Please call me Richard.
Well I've written a little book.
And I was doing some talks.
I'm writing a book.
What's yours about?
I write books on...
philosophy, ideas.
Oh my god.
Richard Young.
You're RC Young.
You never said your
dad was RC Young.
I brought you a copy of the book
I left it here.
What's he know about philosophy?
Well he does have a
Master's in the subject.
You're shitting me.
He likes "Con Air".
Oh, I don't feel very good.
Come on.
It's time you were in bed.
Ok.
You can sleep on the couch.
It was a pleasure to meet
you Lord Young.
You really should have said
you were coming.
That would have required you
answering one of my calls.
Well, I've been kind of busy.
Of course.
I picked up your magazine
at the airport.
Most enjoyable.
I particularly like the
young Hollywood actress,
Who said she would like to start
her theater career somewhere small.
Like London or England.
Why must you always do this?
It's just a little joke.
It's not a little joke, is it?
Basically you're saying
what I do is worthless.
I don't think it's worthless,
I just think you know in your heart that
you could be doing more with your life.
More?
Sharp's Magazine is one of the
most respected magazines in the world.
There's a million hacks that would
give anything to be where I am.
You know who I hung out
with just today?
Orlando Bloom.
I don't know who that is.
Of course you don't know who that is,
you don't know who anyone is.
You thought Brad Pitt was
a cave in Yorkshire.
Most people do know
who that is.
And most people wouldn't think a journalist
hanging out with celebrities like that
was a disappointment.
I don't think you're a disappointment.
I never thought that.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Things haven't been that
great actually, dad.
I don't know why,
I can't seem to get ahead.
If you're not happy...
No, I'm fine.
Really I can make it, I know it.
Einstein said...
try not to become a
man of success.
Rather become a man of
value.
The young lady in the bedroom there,
Alison, she wouldn't have anything to
do with your desire to stay on,
would she?
No.
We're just friends.
She says that New York women
don't go for losers.
I suppose not.
But Alison is from Port Huron
isn't she.
Hi.
Hi.
That's a good look for you.
I don't remember much from last
night but I'm so, so, sorry.
Oh my god, your father.
And that woman.
Oh, Mrs. Kowalski.
Don't worry about it.
The last woman she caught
me with had a penis, so...
You're a big step up.
Thanks.
Who's that?
That's my mother.
No way.
Is she a model?
Actress.
In movies?
Some, you know,
British, small parts.
And she still...
No. She died when I was
young.
Must be pretty cool having
your mum in movies.
Well I used to stare at
the TV from time to time
when I was growing up.
You know, just kind of weird.
Ok, a full English fry up.
Perfect hang-over cure.
Get your gob around that.
Not again.
Hi.
I was just...
rooting through your
personal possessions.
I like the opening.
You don't.
Yeah.
Got to read the rest of it. Believe it
or not I'm a pretty good editor.
I don't know, I don't even
know if I'll bother finishing it.
Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.
Is that Troy again?
It's Xilla.
I'm going to jump in the shower and then
I'm going to get out of your hair.
Well, wait 'cause I got you a present.
I was walking past this record
shop in the corner, and I saw it,
I thought it might...
cheer you up.
You said it was
your favourite film.
That is... I don't even know
what to say.
I don't have a turn-table.
Well you can always come
here and listen to it.
Are you kidding?
I can throw up on you again.
Come on.
Come on.
Come let me show you.
Hey Alice.
Versace? You like?
I'm good thanks.
You know honey, everybody needs to
change their look every now and then.
Especially when they have
a new man in their lives.
What?
What are you talking about?
Well the English guy is always
hanging around you these days right?.
Tell me it isn't so?
Of course not.
Thank god, can you imagine.
He's such a creep.
This is gorgeous, but
I'm just too fat.
Don't be crazy.
Alice.
Is Anna fat?
Not at all. Why, she's so thin that
I can take her little spindly body
and snap her over my knee,
like a dry fucking twig.
And for your information,
Sidney Young has more going for
him than anyone in this place.
It works, that's good.
Hey Alison.
I was wondering if...
Hey Alison I was wondering if you
wanted to see a movie or have a meal.
Wanna go on a date?
Might work.
Hello.
Hello Sidney.
I like your costume Vincent.
I'm not wearing a costume.
- Idiot.
- Wanker.
Ok, see you.
George Hamilton.
George Hamilton's not dead.
Isn't he? Ok.
I was looking for you actually.
There was something I
wanted to tell you.
Me first.
I wanted to ask if maybe
you wanted to go to a movie...
What?
I can't understand what
you're saying.
I just wanted to ask you
if, eh...
Back in a minute.
I wanted to tell you that...
Laurence has left his wife and we're
going to be together... officially.
That... that's just brilliant.
So maybe he does care after all
right?
I'm going to...
So Alison told you that
we were getting together right?
Yeah.
I should have did it long ago.
You know me, not very good at
expressing my emotions.
You should be happy
for her.
You being friends and all.
Oh, Sidney.
I thought as much.
You really think you and Alison...
Things really didn't go all
that well for me did they?
Ah well, give it your best shot.
Take the Westside highway please.
Wait.
Let me write the
profile on Vincent.
I don't think so.
You get complete copy approval,
it will be like you wrote it.
Vincent, think about it.
Think of how humiliating
it will be for me.
Please, I'm begging you.
You don't look like you're begging.
Westside Highway please.
Sit down Sidney.
Lawrence Maddox is no longer
working for Sharp's magazine.
Seems Elizabeth got tired of him
screwing around and kicked him out.
She kicked him out?
Richard Heywood doesn't seem to like
the idea of employing an ex-son-in-law
So he's gone.
So is Alison Olsen.
Don't worry about Maddox.
He's already got something lined
up with Gotham magazine.
I going to need somebody
to hold the fort.
At "I Spy".
Strictly on a temporary basis,
you understand.
Oh, one more thing.
I had a call from Eleanor Johnson
this morning.
Wanting to know if you would like
to write a profile on Vincent Lepak.
I don't know how you did it Sidney,
but somehow you...
made it to the next room.
Vincent Lepak
Long live the King
By Sidney Young
Nice robe.
Oh, thanks.
Ralph Lauren, it was a gift.
Who from?
Ralph Lauren, I was
doing a piece and...
I wanted to say congratulations,
I heard about your promotion.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks.
How's things going with you?
Good, fine, everything's...
I'm working for this
little literary magazine.
It's in New York.
So I left you a bunch of messages.
Yeah, I know, I've been so busy.
I thought so.
How's the novel doing.
I am still working on it.
You should keep at it.
I believe in you.
Actually I never give you these.
It's just... you know.
You don't have to use them.
If you don't want to.
I mean...
You know...
Oh hey Alice.
Where did it all go so wrong?
Bye.
Sophie is going to get an Apollo Film
Awards nomination for best actress.
Wow, that's great.
But the nominations haven't
been announced yet.
That is correct.
Which is why we have absolutely
no way of knowing whether or not
she will be nominated.
But when she is nominated,
we would like Sharp's to do a feature.
Someone to cover the whole lead-up.
Unrestricted access.
The trajectory, the building
of this unique brand.
I'm going to have a logo.
So here's the deal.
Sophie wants you to write the story.
You can be my bitch.
Merry Christmas Sidney.
This is a cover story.
I think a little celebration
is in order.
You didn't do it.
I couldn't do it, it's very high.
What are you?
A limpy pig.
What?
I'm your little limpy pig.
Now it's time to pay the forfeit.
What you got?
I've got my little limpy pig dance.
Give me your ring.
I can't.
Why not?
I cannot.
Give me your ring.
I want it.
I can't.
Ok.
If you give me your ring and I win
tomorrow, I'll let you have sex with me.
Oh thank you Mike.
I'll buy you a better one,
just as soon as I...
No you won't.
I'm always going to keep this one.
I'll never part with it.
Never, never, never.
Let's do it properly.
Please.
What people don't realize is that
all saints start out as human beings.
All human beings
fall in love.
Well, well.
Look at you.
Congratulations.
Your fortune right.
You go up and I go down.
You're here with Sophie?
How about doing your old rabbi
a favour. A little interview.
Is Alison here?
No.
We went our separate ways.
Actually she left me.
She tells me she's in love
with someone else.
Nope, not you I'm afraid Sidney.
Some guy named Clark.
Can you believe it?
These are the sacrifices we make.
I don't need to tell you.
This is not a vacation, vocation...
So here I am, at the
center of everything.
I got the tux, I got
the watch.
I got the life.
I am exactly where
I wanted to be.
I've made it to Shangri La.
I gonna have to have the ring back.
What are you doing?
Hey, what are you doing.
What's he doing?
Give me the ring back.
My mother gave me this ring,
she told me to give it to the one.
She's not the one!
I don't want to be on the inside,
I do not want to be at the party.
I don't want to have sex with you.
I killed Cuba.
Fucking fucker!
Sodom and Gomorrah.
Sidney Young.
Hey Vincent.
Sidney.
Fuck.
Have a nice flight.
I need a ticket to New York
please.
The next available flight isn't until
tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock.
It arrives at New York at
There's nothing sooner?
No, I'm afraid not.
Fine I'll take it.
Hi, you've reached Alison
please leave a message.
Oh and Joe if that's you I've got
the tickets for Empire brook tomorrow.
See you there.
Bye.
Alison's it's me, it's Sidney.
Listen, my battery is very low...
Can I see you?
I don't think I'm going to be
working for Sharp's any more.
But it's fine.
I thought I wanted all that stuff.
I wanted to be special.
To have the money and be treated
differently to anybody else.
Can I have an upgrade.
But I don't, ok?
Who's Joe?
Can I get your autograph?
What, 'cause I'm on the TV?
'Cause I'm up there close to
the movie stars?
You think I'm special?
For your credit card.
Yes.
Do you have any baggage?
Plenty.
Stop the car, stop the car.
Hi.
Hi.
How's the novel coming on?
It's finished.
Thanks for the editing.
..:: TheGhost ::..