MABF03 - Million Dollar Maybe [The episode starts inside the Simpsons house] Marge: (singing) You like potato. Homer: (singing)And you like po-tah-to. Marge: (singing)You like tomato. Homer: (singing)And you like to-mah-to Marge: (singing)Potato Homer: (singing)Po-tah-to Marge: (singing)Tomato Homer: (singing)To-mah-to Homer and Marge: (singing)Let's call the whole thing off... icially on! Marge: (singing)And toast Valerie and Dave Homer: (singing)Togasaki-Rothman! Lisa: You guys will be the hit of cousin Valerie's wedding reception! Bart: Can I just ask, who the hell says po-tah-to? Homer: Songwriters who are stuck. Marge: Homie, I'm still a little nervous about performing in front of all those people. Homer: Don't worry, sweetie. With me at your side, our toast will do just what it's supposed to, steal focus from the bride. [Lisa goes to The Springfield Retirement Castle] Lisa: Why is everyone staring at static? Abe: We don't have one of those digital conversion gizmos. Old Jewish Man: I miss The History Channel, damn it! How else would I know what I lived through? Lisa: Maybe I should go out and get you guys a converter. Abe: Aw, that's sweet! Here's all the money we would've given to televangelists. Lisa: Wow! How long has the tv been out? Jasper: 'bout ten minutes. [Lisa goes to Circuit Circus] Mr Burns: Fore! Oh, I feel like I'm mashing the tufty on the links at St. Andrew's! Smithers: Sir, your cheeks are ruddy! Did you eat a sugar cube when I wasn't watching? Mr Burns: No, it's all thanks to this self-powered experience approximater! Lisa: I've never seen Mr. Burns this happy. Just think what that game could do for grampa and his friends! Mr Burns: Wait, I'm shooting at nazis? That's not how I remember it. [Homer is on the phone at the SNPP] Homer: See you at 5 on the dot. Phone kisses! Lenny: (chanting) Homer's got a girlfriend! Homer: She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl who I married, who used to be my friend. Carl: Hey, what's your fortune say? Lenny: You will enjoy the company of others. Wow! That's exactly what I'm enjoying right now! Carl: Spooky. Mine says, Something you lost will soon turn up. My faith in the Lord. It came back! Homer: Today is your lucky day. Yeah, pfft! Lenny: Hey, Homer, if I was you, I wouldn't be so quick to say "pfft." Carl: Yeah, these cookies are on the up-and-up now, according to the only honest newspaper, The Beijing Daily Worker. See? Lenny: If it's your lucky day, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. Homer: Hey, any part of a cookie you can't eat is just a waste of time. Carl: What incredible good luck! Lenny: Just as the cookie foretold. [Homer is walking through the car park] Homer: Hmm! Maybe this is my lucky day. A disc?! Please be compact. Please be compact! (singing along) Whoo-hoo! Here we go. Ooh, what a lucky man. He was. I is! Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee, doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo. Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee, doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo. Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee, doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo. (stops singing) Huh?! Holy moly! Lenny: If it's your lucky day, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. Marge: There's no time! I need you for the wedding toast! My hair! Lenny: Now let's get that ticket. Homer: Come on, line, move! Maybe it'll speed up if I make. Oh, can you believe this noises. Oh. Oh. Oh, for goodness sakes! Oh! Oh! God! Apu: Mm-hmm. Thank you. Come again. Who is next? Oh. Hello. Homer: Hmm... (speaking Spanish) Yo no creía en fortunas, Pero entonces me salió una galleta... (translation shown as subtitles: I didn't believe in fortunes, but then I got a cookie) Bumblebee Man: Sí, sí.(translation shown as subtitles: Yes, yes) Homer: Que decía que hoy era mi día dichoso. Primero no lo creí, Pero entonces me caí. Contra la máquina de dulces, ay, ay, ay! (translation shown as subtitles: that said today was my lucky day. First I didn't believe it but then I fell against the candy machine. Ay! ay! ay!) [At The Sringfield Church] Lovejoy: And now, Valerie and Dave will deliver their own vows, because my vows, apparently, weren't good enough. Show me how it's done, Dave. Dave: Valerie, even though you're a Starbucks girl, and I'm a Seattle's best guy, I know we can focus on the things we have in common... like Mad Men, season two! Lovejoy: I give it a year. Marge: Homer! Where are you? Homer: I'm almost there. I can see the church steeple in the distance. Uh-oh! Here comes a train. Homer: Tickets, please. Hey, where's your ticket? Leave me alone! Why you little... No, don't do it, sir! He's strangling me! I'm gonna choke! [Homer gets to the front of the queue at the Kwik-E-Mart] Apu: Good evening, Mr. Homer, how can I...? Homer: No time to pretend we're friends! Lotto me! 1-6-17-22-24-35. I did it! I'm gonna make it! [Marge is on stage by herself] Marge: (singing) You like potato... You like tomato... Potato... Tomato... Let's call the whole thing... Homer: I'm a-comin', Marge! Wiggum: Let him go, Lou. Someone going that fast has no time for a ticket. Marge: Okay, who's ready for a wedding-themed knock-knock joke? Bart: Whoa! Marge: Start the joke! Bart: Um, knock-knock? Marge: Who's there? Bart: I don't know. Marge: Did I hear lettuce? Bart: Not from me, you didn't. Marge: Lettuce who? Bart: I don't know! Audience: Booo! Krusty: Don't drag your kid into this! Marge: Lettuce... congratulate the new couple. Valerie: Why won't she stop?! Dave: There, there. There, there, sweetie. Homer: I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! I didn't make it? [Homer drives off a cliff] Ricardo Bomba: Here I am, about to start my new life in Springfield! Ha ha! What an idiot! This is the perfect time for my catchphrase. Soon you will be mi... [Homer wakes up in hospital] Marge: Homie? Homie, can you hear me? Oh, thank God, you're okay! Homer: I'm alive! And surrounded by the people I love the most in the... Could you scooch over a bit? Kent: Our top story, last night's big Lotto winner has still not come forward. Once again, those numbers are, 1-6-17-22-24 and 35. Homer: (thinking to himself) A million dollars! Now I'm really glad I didn't die! Kent: The mysterious winner purchased the ticket at 7.07 last night. 7.07? Marge: That's exactly the moment I was furious at you for missing our toast. And now I'm the one who has to ask, can you forgive me? Homer: Oh, I'll try. (starts thinking to himself again) Wait! If I tell Marge I won, she'll know I was buying the ticket when I was supposed to be onstage with her. Oh, I'm rich and I can't even tell my own wife! Calm down, Homer. Calm down. (now as a ghost looking down at himself) Wow, I do look pretty calm down there. [Outside the Kwik-E-Mart] Apu: Ladies and gentlemen, the Orchard Avenue Kwik-E-Mart, birthplace of the yardstick on the doorframe that tells you how tall your robber was, is proud to announce its latest Lotto victor. Mr. Barney Gumble! Barney: Mm-hmm! That's right! I bought the winning ticket! And now I can buy back all the blood I sold! Mm-hmm! Man: Actually, after taxes, the amount you will receive is... American Man: This money will go to partially cover the cost of a study to decide what to do with the money. [Homer and Barney are outside the Simpsons house] Homer: Barn, thanks for picking up the money for me. Now, what should I buy first? Hitler's baseball? A mirror that gives me advice? Mirror: My advice is to buy Hitler's baseball. Barney: Wait a minute, Homer! You can't spend any of that money or Marge will know you lied. Homer: Oh, yeah. Marge, what are you doing? Marge: The laundry. The machine's on the fritz, and we can't afford the $400 to fix it. Homer: Here I am a millionaire, and I can't even help the woman who gave birth to me. Barney: Why don't you just buy things your family needs, and leave them where they'll find them? Homer: Oh, Barney, that's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree. Barney: That's not the money tree. I know. It's where I hide my adult magazines. Barney: Ooh...! Oh, wow! [Back at the Springfield Retirement Castle] Lisa: All right, it's all hooked up. This isn't normal tv. It's a video game that encourages activity and exercise. Please, at least try the tennis game. Abe: Hmm... Old Jewish Man: My puppet... with this and I control it how... by jumping? Lisa: You use the wand like a tennis racket to hit an invisible ball. Abe: Look at me! I'm big Bill Tilden! Old Jewish Man: I think I'm looking at a poop later. Hey! [Homer throws a frisbee] Homer: Catch, boy! Oops, the frisbee went into the bushes. Why don't you go find it? Bart: You threw it, you go find it. Homer: Why, you little... Bart: Ow! There's a big box in here! Homer: A box? No way! A new washing machine? No way! Marge: That's just what we need! But how are going to get it home? Homer: You, go rent us a truck. Bart: Ow! [The episode cuts to lots of scenes where Homer has hidden gifts. Homer heads out into the garden] Homer: And now, Marge's secret benefactor is going to get her the luxury she's always dreamed of, a toaster wide enough for bagels. I'll just take out a little money from my local branch. Hmm... Not as much money as there used to be. Bart: Homer? What are you doing? Huh? Homer: Why... I'm just... Ow...! Yow...! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Bart: There's money in this tree. What the hell is going on? Homer: Lenny... and Carl...a fortune cookie... and then I ran into the candy machine, and I... I found an Emerson, Lake & Palmer...and there was a... Ooh-wee, bah-doo, bah-doo, bah-doo, bah-doo, bah-doo. Bah-doo... Bart: Okay, let me get this straight, you got all this moola, legitimately, but you're too scared to do anything fun with it? Homer: Son, if I was interested in fun, I would've run away the day you were born. Bart: Look, man, you've got to enjoy yourself a little. You work hard, or at least you're out of the house a lot. Homer: You're right. I have been acting like telethon Jerry Lewis when I should've been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis. Will you teach me how to put myself first? Bart: And how! Moe: Not so fast! Don't forget my cut. Homer: Uh... your cut of what? Moe: I don't know. I just go around saying that, In the hope it'll be applicable. I'll be on my way now. On my way... [Homer and Bart are watchin Coldplay] Bart: Oh... Wait! I have to go to the bathroom! Chris Martin: So, where are you from, Homer? Homer: Here. Bart: Mm-hmm! Chris Martin: (starting to sing) Oh... Homer Wait! Chris Martin: Yes, Homer? Homer: Do you think you could use someone like me in your band? Chris Martin: Yeah, come on up. You can play the tambourine. Homer: I said someone like me, I didn't say me. Chris Martin: (singing again) Oh, oh oh... [Homer and Bart are aboard the 'UP, CHUCK AND AWAY ZERO GRAVITY RIDES] Voice over tannoy: Here we go, folks, the ultimate zero gravity experience! Homer: Look at me! I'm flying, like Superman's dog! Race you to the cockpit! [Back at the Springfield Retirement Castle where Jasper and Abe are playing tennis on the WII] Abe: I'm gonna call you Benson and Hedges 'cause you're gettin' smoked! Jasper: Lisa, thanks to your new whatsis, we're as fit as fiddles. Abe: Nurse! Another round of waters in your finest paper cups! Jasper: I'm gonna need a little Bengay for this shoulder. Old Man: I'd like a fresh pair of socks tomorrow. A matching pair. Abe: I want to put salt on things! Old Man: Tell me what my name is! Old Jewish Man: Take away my roommate! He's dead! [Back aboard the plane with Homer and Bart] Voice over tannoy: Folks, it's time for our final run. Bart: No way! I want to go a million more times! Homer: Sorry, boy. You have school tomorrow. Bart: Rich kids don't need school! When I grow up, you can buy an apartment building and make me the super. Homer: With that attitude, you'll never super in one of my buildings! Boy, I am through spoiling you. First thing tomorrow, you're going back to the rotten life you've always enjoyed. Bart: Oh, yeah? If you don't keep splashing the cash, I'm gonna tell mom that it's thanks to you she made the first bad wedding toast ever. Homer: Blackmail your father in space, will you?! D'oh! Oh... D'oh! D'oh! [Back at The Springfield Retirement Castle] Lisa: Why is the tv back on? What happened to the video game? Nurse: Oh, the video game. You'd think it'd be dishwasher safe, but it wasn't. Lisa: Why would you put it in the dishwasher? You ruined it on purpose. You want the old folks to be zombies, because it makes your jobs easier! Nurse 2: Ooh, excuse us. We tried to make the worst job in the world easier. Lisa: Well, I agree it's not the most pleasant job in the world... Nurse 1: Don't forget the low pay and the constant presence of death. Lisa: Well, you still should have let them have their fun! Nurse 1: They should've had their fun before they got here. [The family are back at home] Marge: Who's ready for panini? Homer: Up... that's my chair, boy. Bart: No problem. I'll just sit here, closer to mom's ear. Mom, how do you think we really got that panini press? Marge: I thought the government sent it to us as part of the stimulus package. At least that's what the letter said. Bart: Well, actually, mom... Homer Uh! On second thought, boy, why don't you take my chair? Marge: So, Bart, how's your big school presentation coming along? Bart: Oh, great, now that dad's gonna star in it. Homer: I agreed to no such thing! Bart: Mom... Homer: Where and what time? Bart: Homeroom, 8,00 a.m. Homer: Never! Bart: Mom... Homer: What do I wear? [Bart is at school with Homer at the front of the class] Bart: Behold, Neanderthal man, our ugliest, stupidest ancestor. Come on, missing link, put on a show. Make a fire! Be scared of the fire! Evolve! Evolve! Get religious about a bird you see! Sprain your ankle and know it's a death sentence! Edna: Very good, Bart. Bart: Can I get extra credit for a caveman break dance? Edna: Of course. [Homer is back at Home and slouched on the couch] Bart: Homer, I need you to rickshaw me to soccer practice. Homer: Fine. Let me just get my harness pads. Bart: No time. Homer: Boy, this has gone too far! I quit! Soon as I finish these oats. Bart: Hey, hey, hey. Let's not get crazy. If you quit, I'm telling mom everything. Homer: Not if I tell her first. Bart: Now how am I supposed to get to soccer practice? Hey, Milhouse, want a turn pulling my rickshaw? Milhouse: Okay, but just 'cause I'm your best friend, don't be afraid to use that whip. [Homer is with Marge in a hot air balloon] Homer: Okay, I'm taking off the blindfold. Surprised? Marge: Well, I kind of got a clue When I heard that ballooning safety video. Homer: Marge, soaring above the forgiving beauty of nature, I have something to confess. Um... I wasn't there for that wedding toast because I was buying a lottery ticket. Marge: You were what?! Homer: You have a right to be angry. Furious! And even though that ticket won a million dollars... Marge: We've got a million dollars?! Screw the toast! Homer: Uh, yes, well, um... Taxes took out a lot, I spent a ton on those things for the family, and, um, I didn't know you could rent a balloon. Marge: So we're right back where we used to be. Homer: Yes, but I have one more thing to show you. Marge: Oh... my... God! Homer: Marge, those groves of cherry blossoms will bloom every year, to remind the world of the sweetest, most forgiving woman who ever lived. Am I off the hook? Marge: (singing) You like potato Homer: (singing) And you like po-tah-to Marge: (singing) You like tomato Homer: (singing) And you like to-mah-to Homer and Marge: (singing) So if you go for oysters and I go for ersters I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters. For we know we need each other, so we better call the calling off off. Let's call the whole thing off! ################################################################################## ################################################################################## This episode script was produced for Springfield! Springfield! http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk ################################################################################## ##################################################################################