Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Merry Christmas, sisters.
'Tis beautiful, Sister Kimmy.
Now which one of you guys hath been chosen as my secret Santa? We canst not tell, Sister Kimmy.
Then 'twouldn't be a secret, duh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Fire monsters.
Let's go, let's go.
Move, move, move.
We found them.
Ripped By mstoll Kimmy, I think we counted wrong.
- It's not Christmas.
- Secure the area.
But it's here.
It's all still here.
A miracle today in Durnsville, Indiana.
Four women rescued from an apocalypse cult allegedly run by self - proclaimed messiah Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.
Known to Yelp users in this area - as Durnsville's worst wedding DJ.
A neighbor who watched the drama unfold, Walter Bankston.
Mr.
Bankston? Oh, yeah, yeah.
What had happened was They're the subjects of that viral video and joining me now for their first interview, the Indiana Mole Women.
Ladies, welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bryant.
For years you were told by Reverend Richard Wayne - that the world had ended.
- Yes.
Reverend Richard told us that there had been a nucular apocalypse and that the earth was scorched and there were lakes of fire and stuff.
Cyndee, you were the first woman forced into this cult.
Yes, I had waited on Reverend Richard a bunch of times at a York Steak House I worked at.
And, one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn't wanna be rude, so here we are.
I'm always amazed at what women will do because they're afraid of being rude.
- Yeah.
- Gretchen you joined this cult willingly.
Yes.
The Reverend had bought some of my hair on Craigslist and we started e-mailing, and I just thought he had some real good ideas.
Wow.
Donna Maria, you were working for a company called Happy Maids.
You were lured into the Reverend's house.
You thought this was a job.
Si, Happy Maids.
Fifteen years, living with these other women, and you never learned to speak English? Ladies, you've been given an amazing second chance at life.
People have donated thousands of dollars to the Mole Women Fund.
And we are so grateful.
But, honestly, we don't love that name.
So, Mole Women, what happens next? What do you do now? Probably just go back to Durnsville.
Get my braces off.
Happy Maids.
- I go with you now? I'm married to you? - No, no.
No, Gretchen, no.
Um Kimmy, what about you? Kimmy? Okay, when we come back, fall salad mistakes, plus, one of the Mole Women gets an ambush makeover.
Thank you, victims.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Thank you, victims.
Thank you, victims.
Stop.
Pull over, please.
Kimmy, what are you doing? I'm not going back.
What? I'm staying here.
Kimmy, that's crazy.
You have a middle-school education.
You won't make it here.
It's like Reverend Richard says.
We're just garbage, Kimmy.
That's not true.
We're not garbage.
We're human beings.
I have to get my life back.
Everybody in Durnsville will look at me like I'm a victim.
And that's not what I am.
If you're really gonna do this, take some of my mole fund money.
I mean, a pop here is like five dollars.
Also, I'm your secret Santa.
We're running.
Outside.
Whee! I'm gonna go all the way around.
Oh, my God.
She did it.
I'm having candy for dinner.
You deserve to be free.
Apartments.
Hmm.
Hey.
I saw you steal this.
Where is your grown-up? Are you alone? Or are you some kind of tiny businessman? Stranger danger.
I'm not stranger danger.
I'm a stranger danger ranger.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You want smoke? Heron? I'm here about the ad.
The roommate ad? My God, you're here about the ad.
I own the building.
Come on.
It's a garden-level maisonette.
Look at you, you look so nice.
And Titus is a very, very sweet boy.
A little crusty on the outside, but a soft heart.
Like a wonderful French roll.
But black.
Who the is it? It's Lillian, dear.
It's gonna be wonderful for him to have a roommate because he's very isolated.
But so talented.
But disillusioned.
But a genius.
And he's single.
But very gay.
And he doesn't know I placed the ad.
What is it, Lillian? Who is this? I'm your new roommate.
Damn it, Lillian.
I'm a model tenant.
I don't make noise.
You need a roommate.
I don't fry fish.
Honey, you also don't pay the rent.
Because I don't have money.
You know, I do not want to evict you.
Just consider her, please.
What is your current address? Next question.
May I see a recent letter of employment or two recent pay stumps? No and no.
Where do you work? Nowhere yet.
I pronounce you ridiculous.
Come back when you got a J-O-B.
He's right.
I am gonna need a job.
Honey, you come back here with a job, the place is yours.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Oh.
But don't wear that yellow sweater because the Crips will think you're in the Banana Boys.
It's a new gang.
There weren't any good colors left.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Kimmy.
I am a big fan of your products, particularly the shark gummies, which I hadn't seen elsewhere.
And I am interested in any employment opportunities that you might have Where do you live? Stranger danger.
Thank God.
Are you the dog masseuse? No, ma'am, I found your son.
Buckley.
Where's Hunong? She never picked me up, so I was just walking home.
Liar.
I'm sorry, and you work for the school? No.
You're an Uber driver? No.
So you are the dog masseuse? Ma'am, I'm a stranger.
Buckley, please get in here.
You know, I'm not allowed outside.
Okay.
Ma'am, what do you mean you're not allowed outside? I had a face peel.
Is that your Reverend? Did he peel your face? I'm sorry? Do you need help? Answer me honestly.
Do you need help? I do.
It's 17 dollars an hour, cash, under the table.
You'll need to sign an NDA and a DNR.
Do you get sick in helicopters? I never have.
You'll need to be here by 6 every morning to get Buckley up for school.
Get me up at 10 but don't wake me up.
Can I just say how grateful I am for this opportunity? I'm sorry, what is your name? It's Kimmy.
Are you good at braiding hair? I'm awesome at it.
Fantastic.
Of course you'll have to meet the horses first.
Do you want a water? No, thanks.
Okay.
This is Charles, he's a tutor.
He'll help you do Buckley's homework.
It's Buckley's birthday tomorrow, so make a cake that's cute but also Paleo.
Swedish, 90 minutes, medium pressure.
I'm going to bed.
What in the ham sandwich? I just got a job.
Please tell me that you're normal.
I need someone here to talk to.
Oh, I'm very normal.
I've had everything normal happen to me.
What? Lillian, why is my doll furniture on the curb? Because it's all I could carry.
Tomorrow, real movers come, Titus, and evict you.
How dare you? You know I love you.
I helped you take a shower.
I got taxes to pay.
Hey.
White weirdo.
I got a job.
It pays 17 dollars an hour under the tables.
But I can pay in advance right now with my tax refund.
I can have his things out by tonight.
Ahem.
Lillian.
I've decided I will be taking a roommate.
Oh, you have decided, have you? Yes, I've decided.
I have been thinking about this for weeks.
Actually, I would rather live with someone.
I'm kind of used to having roommates.
Okay.
J'approve.
Oh.
When will I be getting my money? What about my money? Slavery reparations, Lillian.
Touché.
You people have suffered.
Tsk.
Huh.
Is that a real robot? Do people have robots now? What? Huh? That's my bedroom.
You'll be staying in my office.
Ha.
I will be very comfortable in here.
It's, like, two Cyndees by a Gretchen.
Hah! A window.
My own window.
And it has this.
Where's the rest of your stuff? Oh.
This is it.
You got a secret.
What? You moved to New York with a bag full of cash, no stuff and what is clearly a wig.
Somebody in here got beans.
Spill them.
Okay.
Well, the truth is, I'm from Indiana Oh, pfft, okay.
That explains why you're so basic.
Say no more.
So let's get this dirty rent business out of the way.
Ahem.
As you know, we owe Lillian two months back rent.
So that's $950.
Plus this upcoming month.
And, of course, there's a one month security deposit.
Also, ever since you moved in, this lamp stopped working.
So that's another hundred dollars.
Nice try, Titus.
There's no light bulb in there.
You got me.
You are so very cosmopolitan.
So, what do you wanna do tonight? Honestly? Listen to Diana Ross albums alone while I do stretches to alleviate my gas.
We should go out to celebrate.
I mean, I got a job today.
I got an apartment.
I met you.
I envy you.
I have never been able to meet me.
We should go dancing some place cool, like Club Bombay from Moesha.
Things are behind in Indiana.
I'll pay for everything.
Hey, do you wanna party with us? Are you into Molly? Am I? She's my favorite American Girl doll.
Titus, dancing is about butts now.
It is, girl.
Really, really good at it.
Yeah, it's easier to dance.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go get us drinks.
Okay.
Hello.
I do not want to abandon you, but I've been invited to have Korean food with that pretty chorus boy.
Yes, go have fun.
Oh, hey, Titus.
Does this backpack look babyish? It is a backpack.
Hey.
You know what? You're the hottest girl in here.
Pftt! As if.
Opposite day.
Oh.
Alcohol tastes good.
I like it.
Your hair smells good.
They checked it for lice at the hospital.
I kind of want to kiss you.
Yes.
Do it.
I'm fine.
Oh! What the fudge? My backpack.
Someone yanked my backpack.
Don't worry about it.
Shut up.
My money's in there.
All right.
Let's go.
But you gotta help me find it.
It's a purple Jansport.
Actually, Buckley, this isn't your worst birthday ever.
It was when you busted my genitals.
I'm sorry.
I was up all night.
My money got stolen.
I haven't had a clock since my Tamagotchi died.
Uh-uh.
This is strike three.
What were strikes one and two? Has baseball changed? Hey, walk of shame? Me too.
Just sat down.
You're okay.
You're okay.
You are a person.
This is your home now.
Look, you have a window.
Come on, Kimmy.
Come on.
You're garbage, Kimmy.
Reconsider, girl.
I was sleeping.
They stole my backpack.
What? I can't do this.
Reverend Richard was right.
Wait, who? Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne, Senior Prophet and CFO of Savior Rick's Spooky Church at the Scary Apocalypse.
I am one of the Indiana Mole Women.
From the news? Why didn't you tell me? I just wanna be a normal person.
And I can't.
I don't know anything.
I can't tell phones from cameras.
Even policemen have tattoos.
Pack up your trifles.
What? Get your things and go.
New York is not for you.
You don't understand.
I do.
But, Titus Girl, my name is not Titus.
My name is Ronald Wilkerson.
I came here in 1998 on a damn bus from Chickasaw County, Mississippi.
You know who leaves Chickasaw County? Nobody.
Have you met a person from Mississippi? No, but I haven't met anybody.
My point is This was me then.
I was cute, just like you.
Showed my teeth when I smiled, like you.
I changed my name to Titus Andromedon and I marched in to audition for The Lion King.
You were in The Lion King on Broadway? Yes, except I was not.
I auditioned for The Lion King 20 times in 15 years until they told me, "You are not passing as a straight giraffe.
" But you are such a good singer.
I have not sung in public in three years.
You wanna know what I do now? I dress up in that robot costume in Times Square and pass out fliers for an arcade.
My boss is 17 years old, I get paid in quarters and cab drivers are hitting me on purpose.
Well, you got out of Mississippi.
Escaping is not the same as making it.
I am very scared to ask you this Yes, there was weird sex stuff in the bunker.
Let me finish.
How much money was in your backpack? Thirteen thousand dollars.
Why? Wow.
Take your rent money back.
Buy a bus ticket and leave.
But you will be evicted.
Don't worry about me.
I'm pretty but tough.
Like a diamond.
Or beef jerky in a ball gown.
Go.
Ugh! Gosh, dang it.
Ew! Oh, secret Santa.
Aww.
Cyndee.
I was talking to my good friend God earlier.
We were talking about why he allowed his creation to be destroyed.
The earth of the land and all the fowls of the air and the sea monkeys of the sea.
And do you know what he hath told me? That we're all dumb and bad and that's why he let the world be destroyed? That's right, Sister Gretchen.
Reverend Richard, I was wondering.
The whole world was destroyed and everything died, right? Except for all you dumb-dumbs here, yes.
Then how come when I was cleaning out the air filter earlier, I found this? If all the animals are dead, where'd this rat come from? Damn you, Kimmy Schmidt, I will break you.
No, you won't.
Titus Andromedon.
Ronald Wilkerson, I know you're in there.
What are you doing here, Amelia Bedelia? Go back to Indiana.
I'm not going back.
I'm not gonna give up.
And neither are you.
I'm trying to protect you.
Protect me from what? The worst thing that happened to me happened in my own front yard.
Life beats you up, Titus.
It doesn't matter if you get took in by a cult, or you've been rejected at auditions.
Some of which you paid to attend.
You can curl up in a ball and die, like we thought Cyndee did that time or you can stand up and say, "We're different.
We're the strong ones.
And you can't break us.
" We are going to pay the rent, I'll get my job back, and I'm gonna kiss a boy.
And you are going to sing at the Grammys with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.
Bad examples but yes.
Then sing for these people.
Because that is what you came here to do.
Ripped By mstoll