Mad Men s01e03 Episode Script

Hey.
Dick? Richard Whitman? Holy smokes, is that you? As I live and breathe.
It's me.
Larry.
Krisinski, L.
Fort Sill? Oh, of course.
Larry, look at you.
Yeah, and you.
Still haven't filled out.
You must be a bachelor.
No.
Where are you at? I'm out of Waltham, Mass.
I'm just spending a day in Armonk with International Business Machines.
I'm upstate.
Hey, I just saw Jerry Creighton.
Remember? Slept with a sidearm in his bunk.
Almost blew his jaw off? Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, well Look, I should, uh Call me.
We should catch up.
Absolutely.
Old Dick Whitman.
What are the chances? Good morning, Hollis.
I mean, it's France.
What do they want with the bomb? We must have given it to them.
No way the frogs came up with it on their own.
- Hey, it's the honeymoon kid.
- Hey.
Here comes Romeo without his roe, like a dried herring.
Do I seem different? You do look depleted, Humps.
The wedding was great.
How was the rest of it? You're talking about my wife here.
Oh, she's already got you there? Gentlemen never discuss this.
We're talking about you here: The man who told us the coat check girl from "21" had tangerine panties.
Come on, buddy boy, spill.
I don't know.
Something happened in the ceremony.
It's when he said that thing about being new baptized.
I just felt this calm come over me.
So what you're saying is, uh, a lot of missionary? Fine.
So she's laying there, right? And she kept looking at the maps, talking about all the things we were going to do but we never did.
Ladies Home Journal.
I can get that at Mom's.
Welcome back, Mr.
Campbell.
Well, hey, there.
The ring, it's like catnip.
Did you know that 600,000 gallons of water go over the Falls per second? Per second! Oh, look.
He's back.
Good morning.
- Congratulations.
- Welcome back.
Thanks, everybody.
When did this place get so friendly? I guess people missed you.
- Welcome back, Mr.
Campbell.
- Hildy.
Close the door! Close the door! Who put the Chinamen in my office? Welcome back.
They paid an Oriental family to be in Mr.
Campbell's office.
Someone will finally be working in there.
Mr.
Romano, Mr.
Kinsey, and Mr.
Crane are here for your meeting.
Do you need a minute? Do you need a minute? You must.
You keep moving the Secor laxative discussion.
See what we did to Campbell's office? What do we have? Let me remind you, safe and reliable would make me doze off if I wasn't so blighted by the scourge of constipation.
Well, what can I say? I'm blocked.
I told you he wouldn't think that was funny.
I got one.
How 'bout "Secor.
It's satisfeculant"? Stay in the art department, Sal.
I'm just saying we can be funny, like those Volkswagen people.
You see this yet? I have.
I don't know what I hate about it the most, the ad or the car.
You know, they did one last year.
Same kind of smirk.
Remember "Think small"? It was a half-page ad in a full-page buy.
You could barely see the product.
I don't get it.
Elvis just got back from West Germany.
Why not put him in it? They must be getting results.
They keep going back to the well.
I want the Chinamen out of the building by lunch.
I'm still waiting on my shirts.
You've seen this? - I'm back now.
- I see that.
So I should be on the list for the meeting.
Oh, I just I didn't know when you were coming back.
Right.
Yeah, well, it's today.
Here I am.
They're all in there already.
You can go in.
Peggy When I came over that night, you know, before.
I was there.
You know I'm married now.
I know.
So Pete I understand.
It never happened.
You want me to buzz you in? The door looks a little bit open.
Sorry about that.
I took the Chinese out of the building.
But I have a feeling in an hour I'm gonna want to take them out again.
Bernbach.
He's a Jew.
If I were him, I wouldn't want to help reindustrialize Germany.
Everybody's got a price.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
Honesty.
It's a great angle.
No chrome, no horsepower, foreign, ugly.
Guess they went with their strengths.
- It is funny.
- It is? 'Cause I think the joke's on us.
You're supposed to look at that and say it's a great car, not a great ad.
I laughed.
I think it's brilliant.
Brilliant.
I'll tell you what brilliance in advertising is: 99 cents.
Somebody thought of that, Campbell.
Well, say what you want.
Love it or hate it, the fact remains we've been talking about this for the last 15 minutes.
And this is Playboy.
Of course, what we should have been talking about is Secor laxative, unless, as it appears, there is nothing to say.
I don't want to hear this.
We're on the case.
Part of this job is doing things you don't want to do.
Most of it.
It's good to be back, Draper.
I missed you.
Then it must not have been much of a honeymoon.
I'm sorry.
Welcome back.
How's married life? It's pretty swell.
I was raised that men don't wear jewelry.
I kind of like it.
Trudy's a lot funnier than I thought.
I'm actually looking forward to going home tonight.
Well, I look forward to meeting her.
Hey, maybe one of these nights we could get dinner together with the, uh, wives.
Maybe we can.
You know, girls, we'd be happy to bring you coffee.
I was on my way over anyways.
I have something of yours.
Lady Chatterley's Lover.
I finished it last night.
Good to the last drop, right? Well, I can see why it got banned.
Well, you don't have to be so shy about it.
It's literature.
That is a huge pocketbook, Joan.
Well, it's got a change of clothing and a toothbrush in it.
A hope chest.
Have you read this, Peggy? I don't think that's a good idea.
There's, um this word in it a lot.
I know the word, Joan.
Well, it's sad, really, because even with its reputation, men won't read it.
And they really should.
I don't care if it's 500 years old.
It's another testimony to how most people think marriage is a joke.
They rip a lot of clothing.
Yeah, it's a fantasy.
He's married, and she's married.
The desperate passion of the forbidden.
Can I borrow it? She's making it sound better than it is.
There's a few good parts, that's all.
And the book just opens to those pages by itself.
Hey, don't read it on the train.
It'll attract the wrong element.
- Bye.
- Bye.
So the doctor says to him, "I hope you're happy.
"While you were out finishing a round of golf, "your wife was in a horrible accident.
"She is gonna need 'round-the-clock care.
Bathing, toilet.
" Then the doc looks at him and says, "I'm just kidding.
She's dead.
Hey, what'd you shoot?" initial research report and what I think are some very astute market observations.
Mr.
Draper.
Pleased to see you didn't disappear the minute you cashed my check.
We appreciate your business.
Kenny, of course, you know.
Harry Crane, media.
And Mr.
George Pelham over here, who is from research, and who has more degrees than a Russian protractor.
That's quite an introduction.
From the other side of the pond, I see.
We take his word for it.
So, uh, that is yours to keep.
But if you'd like to follow along, you'll see from the overview our primary focus was Saks, Henri Bendel, and Bonwit Teller.
Our research uncovered a variety of options they utilize to attract your desired customers.
One thing these stores have in common is a comfortable shopping environment.
Spacious, open sales floors, An almost conspicuous lack of clutter.
Merchandise is minimal and neatly presented on tables and in display cases.
This "less is more" philosophy is also evident in the window displays.
For example, only one sweater to a window, as opposed to windows stuffed with merchandise.
My father's going to love that.
Believe it or not, it even applies to the mannequins.
Bendel's takes the heads off theirs so the shopper can imagine them to be anyone.
Anyone without a head.
Along with these cosmetic changes, you'll also need to provide what we call boutique extras.
A personal shopping service, private fashion shows, and designer collections.
This is comprehensive.
It's the lay of the land.
Just from holding it, I feel more informed about my competitors than ever.
And yet my store already has a personal shopping service and designer collections, which makes me wonder if you were so focused on my competitors that you failed to visit my store.
I've been away on my honeymoon.
I've been there a few times.
It's a beautiful old place.
Miss Menken, I can assure you that no one at this table has ever been to your store.
A wrong I will personally correct this afternoon.
It's right on 5th Avenue.
That's one big block over and a dozen little blocks up.
It's been there for 30 years.
- I'll walk you out.
- I've got it.
Harry.
What? It was nice the way you handled that.
It's hard to get caught in a lie.
Well, it wasn't a lie.
It was ineptitude with insufficient cover.
Something about the way you talk always restores my confidence.
I have a deep voice.
This afternoon, then.
It's a date.
New junior exec.
Changing her store could take six months or a year, if I know what's good for me.
- What was that in there? - What? Don and Molly Goldberg.
Did you see that? Yeah, I caught it.
What's your point? I don't know.
I mean, everybody always jokes about it, but I've never seen Draper really turn that switch on before.
I guess he likes her.
What would you do? Trying to quit.
You are really putting the junior in junior executive.
Look, you're married now, all right? I'm a part of that club, too.
Two very happy years.
But when I'm out in the world I don't know.
I don't do it much.
I'm not good at it The flirting, the double entendres You mean something on the side? No.
I mean enjoying the company of women in the limited way a married man can.
It's all we have, really.
I can't speak for everyone, but it's plenty for me.
Same.
I guess on some level, I always thought Draper was the same way.
Draper? Who knows anything about that guy.
No one's ever lifted that rock.
He could be Batman for all we know.
Mr.
Campbell, you wife's on the phone.
There's bird shit on the couch.
That was priceless.
Hello, honey.
Dinner? Wow.
What do I want for dinner? I don't know.
Anything but chicken.
Yes, they missed me.
Uh, rib eye in the pan with butter.
Ice cream.
I love you, too.
There's going to be dinner waiting for me when I get home.
Yeah.
How about that? Mr.
Kurland was mitigating a skirmish in our housewares section.
Why do I hire young girls? Because they cost practically nothing.
Costume change.
This is my closet.
The original tenants laid the last brick the day before the crash.
Boy, were they in for a surprise.
As I hope you know by now, our original store was just off 7th Avenue.
It was just hosiery.
Then they started pulling piecework from sweatshops.
By 1932, these people had failed.
My father and uncle picked this place up for a shekel.
Well, it is crowded.
But that might have something to do with the sale, which means that, if we're successful, you're gonna lose the customers you have in order to get the customers you want.
I was gonna start with raising prices.
Can you imagine what my father said? Well, you do have to give them something for their higher dollar count.
It's just awfully hard to define what that is.
How may I help you? I make them say that.
Carol, can we see this tray right here? Sea horses, crowns, lucky dice.
Medieval knights.
That's better.
Thank you.
Let's take a look at the second floor.
We're known for our service.
That's gotta be a tough job.
I know.
I've always liked how quiet it is up here.
Well, that might explain the lack of customers.
I can see the charm, but the room is too dark, too old-fashioned.
The products look old.
But the people look wonderful.
It's a shame we're gonna have to lop their heads off.
It'll ruin your favorite part of the store.
It's not my favorite part, actually.
The grand lot of us are going to Lansky's.
Can you believe it? Have a swell time.
I've got plans.
You look nice.
Hell.
Manhattan at your feet.
I can see the appeal.
The view's okay.
Now, this is my favorite part of the store.
Hey there, Missy.
Hey.
I haven't seen you in a while.
- Hey.
- How did they get the penthouse? They patrol.
It's the only way to make sure there isn't anyone hiding in the store at night.
Well, they know I'm with you, right? These two are Carla and Leona.
Not the originals, but third generation, and what every generation of Menken dog shall be named until the end of time.
I made my father's legal counsel add that to the store's by-laws when I was 9.
So even then you enjoyed telling men what to do.
To be fair, the store was practically home.
My father liked to work.
I used to come out here and talk to them well, the originals every night.
For a little girl, a dog can be all you need.
They protect you.
They listen.
I had my sister, but there weren't other kids.
And, of course, my mother wasn't around.
Well, that's not always a bad thing.
Who knows? She died when she was having me.
Anyway, my sister became my only company.
And frankly, these bitches were easier to handle.
What is this? Don't try to convince me that you were ever unloved.
I don't know what to say.
Listen I'm married.
I guess I didn't ask 'cause I didn't want to know.
That shouldn't have happened.
Well, you couldn't help yourself.
I knew what I wanted from the first time you stormed out of our office.
You stormed out of your office.
I took you up here.
That was stupid.
I just so looked forward to seeing you again.
Now I guess that's over.
I know you understand I'd rather not have to explain this to anyone.
The account stays.
I just want someone else on it.
Don't look at me like that.
What do you do, just kiss women all the time? Women you aren't married to? Of course not.
Well, then, am I supposed to live some life running alongside yours? I have some checks to sign.
Excuse me.
You dropped your paper.
Thank you.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Wake up.
It's my birthday.
It's my birthday! It's my birthday! It's not your birthday.
It's your party.
Don, the party's at 2:00.
You have to put together the P-L-A-Y-H-O-U-S-E.
How am I going to put together a pony? A pony? I'm getting a pony? Bobby, I'm getting a pony! Great.
She'll forget all about it when she sees the playhouse.
There's a bacon and egg sandwich for you on the range.
It's got a red door like ours! Daddy! You are not supposed to see this yet.
Why don't you run to the garage and get me another beer? Okay.
Capers? You want to pick those out of the rug? Well, they look naked.
Well, the only thing this one wants is raw hamburger.
What does that mean? I think that's enough of that.
Well, how many are we? Us, you Carlton's with the kids.
Make it quick.
The Darlings, Helen Bishop - You didn't.
- I had to.
She saw me buying balloons at the market.
- Didn't seem right.
- So what? I just brought her the pie, got my dish back at the end.
Have you seen her walking up Downtree Ridge? Where the hell is she walking to? I don't know.
How old is her kid? Kids.
The boy is 9.
I'm gonna say Gary, maybe Glen? And the baby is a 2-year-old.
She said she was gonna try and get a sitter.
I would.
It's probably a big event for her.
That man.
I know.
You didn't use the powder room, did you? It will appear untouched.
Everyone's gonna be here soon.
Why don't you go up and take a shower? Want company? Mint juleps.
It's that time of year.
- Wonderful.
- I'm so thirsty lately.
Ready or not, here I come! There's date nut bread, cold turkey, and Waldorf salad for the adults.
And I just made peanut butter sandwiches for the kids.
I know everybody eats that.
Thank you.
And in case anybody's going to ask, I did not get that clown.
- Oh.
- Oh.
He got booked in some off-Broadway show.
About clowns? I think we saw that.
It's not the one where they take their clothes off, is it? Who knew that could be boring? Want something a little stronger there, Carlton? He'll manage.
We were thinking about you, Don.
We saw this thing on TV.
It was right in the middle of the news.
It was cute.
The guy flying with his hat on.
- Did you do that one? - It was so cute.
- I think the man looks exactly like Henry.
- Except not as handsome.
I haven't seen that.
I'm going to go and leave the kids' food out.
Let's not even bother trying to get them to sit.
I'll co-pilot.
Heard a good one the other day.
No, Chet.
I'm gonna tell the joke.
Your wife and your lawyer are drowning.
You have a choice to make: You go to lunch or a movie? It's good, right? Hey, I'm missing the ball game.
I might as well have some fun.
Hey.
So how are things on Mad Ave, Don? Looks like they're taking care of you.
We got it all, huh? Yep, this is it.
Maybe it's his obsession with sports, but it's been hard for Jack.
Marilyn, I've been watching Kevin, and he gets around very well.
I bet he doesn't know the difference.
He does.
He's very determined.
Jack really gets angry anytime someone mentions the vaccine, and I tell him we should be grateful.
First of all, it could have been much worse.
It could have gotten to his lungs.
Second of all, this can't happen to other children.
They think they're athletes.
I want to say to Chet, "I saw you play football in high school.
Your son's going to be a tackling dummy just like you.
" According to Glen here, when the door's a little bit open, you're supposed to come in.
Hello, Helen.
I hate to start with a bunch of excuses, but the babysitter was late, and I still haven't unpacked all the boxes, so this was the only paper I could find.
It should be Christmas all year as far as I'm concerned.
Ajury in New York City is expected to receive the tax evasion paper Opera's production of Mozart's Marriage of Figaro, with Robert Merrill and Joan Sutherland.
Don, you have to pick up the cake from Hightop.
Oh, and this is Helen Bishop and Glen.
Nice to meet you all.
Don.
He goes with me.
Then Carlton, Chet, and Jack.
Glen, I'm pretty sure there are some peanut butter sandwiches and a BB gun out there in the backyard.
Why don't you come with me? Don, can I speak with you? Let's see, I told you about the cake, and oh, can you take some movies this time? Of everyone or just Chief Tiny Tim? You bought that camera, and you always forget.
Okay.
Ladies, ladies, this is Helen Bishop.
- This is Marilyn.
- Nice to meet you.
And Nancy.
She seems scared, poor thing.
Trust me, those hens are gonna peck her to death.
Do you see her running around in that little Volkswagen? That's kind of desperate.
That won't help her.
It's got no back seat.
She'll have to find some midget hitchhiker.
Last time I saw one of those, I think I was throwing a grenade into it.
Yeah.
The problem with Easter break is it's too long.
The doldrums.
We're thinking about seven days, six nights, in Boca Raton, with mosquitoes as big as a silver dollar.
And believe me, those aren't the only giant noses you'll have to deal with.
Francine.
Carlton and I went there on our honeymoon, and all I can say is we were outnumbered.
It's uncomfortable.
You want to be able to relax.
We went to Bermuda on our honeymoon.
Pink sand beaches.
Where did you go? Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I went to Paris.
Four years of Mount Holyoke French.
Haven't used it since.
And I wouldn't give it back, even being with Glen's father.
Is that your ex-husband? Yes.
I went to Italy.
Not on my honeymoon, but right after I graduated from Bryn Mawr.
What a summer.
Three Coins in the Fountain.
It was right about that time.
You must have loved Paris.
It's all walking.
What do you mean? Just that I've seen you walking around the neighborhood.
I've seen you, too, when I was driving.
I think I waved.
Where are you going when you do that? No place.
I just like to walk.
But where? Anywhere.
It just relaxes me and clears my mind.
I heard on the radio that Einstein did it.
Einstein? He's got his hands into everything.
Sweetie.
Hi, Daddy! What are you, Frank Sinatra? I was looking for Glen.
Bunch of them just ran through.
There are the boys.
How are we doing? It's, uh, it's Helen, right? I know your situation, and my heart breaks for that little boy.
I have a baby, too.
You can act strong, but I just want to volunteer.
If you ever need someone to throw the ball around with him some Sunday, take him to the beach.
That would be nice.
I'm sure eventually I'd get so used to your Sunday visits, I'd join you at the beach, just the four of us.
Then one night, you'd drop us off at the house and walk me in with an umbrella.
The kids would go to sleep, and we'd laugh about all the funny things that happened at the beach that day.
I don't want you telling Francine that I suggested something that I didn't.
Well, I'm sorry if I misunderstood.
You dented the car.
I like sleeping on the couch.
I don't like your tone.
Take your shoes off.
Interesting crowd in there.
Same crowd out here.
How about the Einstein thing? I wonder if old Albert swung his hips like that when he walked.
She probably got her hair tips from him, too.
Glen is so quiet.
Not to mention wrinkled.
Maybe she hasn't unpacked her iron, either.
Christmas paper? Please.
She works.
It has to be hard to run a house, too.
Manning a counter at a jewelry store? It's not that demanding.
I don't know.
I had a job in sales before I was a mom.
Have you seen my mom? No, honey.
Maybe she's in the dining room.
Betty.
What? Don, will you please go to Hightop and get the cake? Hey.
Don't run in the house.
What is going on in here? Your kid knocked over a drink.
You need to tell him this is not a jungle gym.
Ernie, did you hear what Mr.
Farrelly said? Did you say you were sorry? Do you want some more? No.
Come on.
He heard me.
Go get your mother and have her clean this up.
Okay.
Thank you.
The woman at the bakery said he picked up the cake almost an hour ago.
Do you think he had an accident? Let's go.
We haven't done birthday cake.
There's not going to be a cake.
Am I the only one that knows that? Don Draper, you are a first class heel, and I salute you.
Let's go.
Swell party.
Food was delicious.
I might have a cake.
A Sara Lee in my freezer.
Well, could you go get it? Please.
That would be so great.
For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow For Sally's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny Happy Birthday, little lady.
Daddy! Mommy, Mommy, look! Daddy got me a doggy! I don't even know what to say.
I want to name her Polly! Polly doggy! Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Happy Birthday, baby.
Subtitled By J.
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Burbank, CA