The Sopranos s01e05 Episode Script

How'd it go? They got a 48- to- 52 male- female ratio, which is great, strong liberal arts program and this cool olin arts center for music.
Usual programs abroad are china, india-- you're just applyin' here.
Already you're leavin'? It's an option, dad.
Junior year.
What do you study in india? How not to get diarrhea? They don't require sat scores, but mine will help 'cause they're high.
Socially, i don't know.
This one girl told me there's a saying: "Bates is the world's most expensive form of contraception.
" Hey.
What kind of talk is that? The girls at the other colleges we been to, they just put out? Oh, my god.
It's pretty, huh? Yeah.
Two to go.
Colby up.
Dad, how come you didn't finish college? Well, i had that semester and a half at seton hall.
Yeah, and? Your grandma and grandpa didn't stress college.
They were working- class people.
How come your parents were anti- education? They weren't anti.
You can't lay it all off on them.
I got into a little trouble when i was a kid.
I heard.
Mm- hmm.
You did? While in waterville, dine at the stone house, serving the freshest maine lobster since 1840.
Come see our new salad bar, featuring a wonderful-- are you in the mafia? - Am i in the what? - Whatever you wanna call it.
Organized crime.
That's total crap.
Who told you that? Dad, i've lived in the house all my life.
I've seen police come with warrants.
I've seen you going out at 3:00 in the morning.
You never seen doc cusamano go out at 3:00 in the morning on a call? Did the cusamano kids ever find $50, 000 in krugerrands and a.
45 automatic while they were hunting for easter eggs? I'm in the waste management business.
Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed- up.
It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.
And you're the last person i would want to perpetuate it.
Fine.
There is no mafia.
All right, look.
Med, you're a grown woman, almost.
Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and wha-- and whatnot.
How does that make you feel? At least you don't keep denying it, like mom.
Kids in school think it's actually kind of neat.
- They seen the godfather, right? - Not really.
Casinowe like.
Sharon stone, '70s clothes, pills.
I'm not askin' about those bums.
I'm askin' about you.
Sometimes i wish you were like other dads.
Then, like mr.
Scangarelo, for example.
An advertising executive for big tobacco.
Or lawyers? Ugh.
So many dads are full of shit.
- And i'm not? - You finally told the truth about this.
Look, med, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses.
- Stock market, i-- - look, dad, please.
Okay? Don't start mealy- mouthing.
How's my sweetheart? I'm so pissed i can hardly see.
- Why? You gettin' the flu? - No, it's my cousin, svetlana.
- The amputee? - Two months she's only in america, and she's already getting married.
You knew the deal.
I got two kids high school age.
We talked about this.
Yes, and a wife whenever you want.
What do i have in my life? - Boy, am i glad i called.
- Fuck you, then! Hang up! How are the whirlpool jets? They get'em in right? Don't throw up in my face things you buy me, okay? Her prosthetic leg fell off in a gap store, and he carries her out like a knight in white satin armor.
I gotta go.
Uh, my daughter's comin'.
Jesus.
Yeah.
How ya feelin'? Oh, better, actually.
Fever just broke.
I miss you two.
How's the interviews going? Good.
Real good.
Oh, yeah? Did she like bates? Anything to get her off of this berkeley kick.
What the fuck? Tony? Yeah, yeah.
Look, i'll call you back from the motel.
Meadow! Come on! Come on.
Get in.
Okay, okay! What's the rush? Geez, dad! - What's going on? - I think i saw an old friend, that's all.
- You know that guy at the gas station? - Maybe not.
- Probably not.
- Then what? Dad, slow down! Dad, jesus, what's with you? - It's all right.
- fucking maniac! - What's going on? - just foolin' around.
Dad-- colby.
Turn.
Colby.
Turn left.
It's to the left! Left! Dad! See? That's'cause you're talkin' to me so much.
Hey, this gets us toward colby anyhow.
Dad, that's our motel.
Hello.
Our motel's right there.
- Do you know that guy? - Nah.
It wasn't him.
Bada- bing.
- Take this number down and call me back.
- Now? It's pourin' down here.
Mmm.
Bonjour.
Room service et arrivee.
Oop.
Why, thank you, kind sir.
- What? You said poached eggs.
- you're not gonna eat'em now, after all that work.
I guess my eyes were bigger than my stomach.
Anthony, why don't you go over to jason's, play nintendo? Nope.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No kisses.
Cooties.
I'll be back in, like, an hour.
Okay.
Oh, motherfucker.
A real fuckin' shit.
Hey.
I'm not sure, but i think i just saw fabian petrulio.
Refresh my memory.
Was he before your time? Made guy.
Flipped about ten years ago when he got busted for peddlin' "h.
" Rat fuck took out a lot of people, a lot of people from our outfit.
My old man was sick.
He never recovered when he heard the news.
- You saw this guy? - That's what i'm sayin'.
- I think i did, but i'm not sure.
- Up in maine? What the fuck? He went into the witness protection program.
Then they kicked him out.
Now he goes to colleges and gets paid all kinds of money to talk about what a big, bad mafioso he was.
- Piece of shit.
- Febbie and me partied a couple of times, but jackie aprile knew him good.
They did a couple of counts together up in lewisburg.
You know that bust that was in his rec room of sinatra? Febbie made it for him in a prison workshop.
That was frank, that bust? I always thought it was shaquille.
Fucker needs to practice a little on lips.
Yeah, i know.
Anyway, run these plates for me.
Go ahead.
Maine, d- x- 6- 6- 9- 2- 0.
Call you back tonight at 10:00.
all right? Hey.
What's wrong with the phone in your room? Nothin'.
Takin' a walk, saw the phone.
Figured i'd give christopher a call.
Oh, yeah? Everything okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
They got a leak in the roof, though.
Is that all right? Uh- huh.
Huh? Who is it? Father phil.
Just a second.
Oh, jesus.
Oh, my god.
Look at you! Oy! I hope i'm not barging in.
Oh, no, i was, uh, watching tv.
Oh.
I was over at the clothing drive, and i thought you were up in maine.
Oh.
By the way, your marchino pedal pusher suit, it just flew out of there.
Oh, good, good, good.
So anyway, jean cusamano said you were ill.
Yes, i was.
The flu that was going around? Yipes.
Yeah.
I still have a little fever, but, uh-- i also have a confession to make, carm.
Uh-- i- i have a jones for your baked ziti.
Oh.
Sure.
Any time.
I have some in the freezer.
I can reheat it.
It's so much better that way, isn't it? The mozzarella gets all nice and chewy.
I like that too.
I was having a little fernet.
Yeah.
- Settles the system.
Would you like something? - Some wine, if it's open.
Mm- hmm.
So, how's med and tony's trip going? I should know? He doesn't have time to talk to me for two lousy minutes.
Oh, geez.
Dad, stop staring.
Why are you doing that? It's an exciting time.
I can't tell you how proud i am of you.
A real student at casa soprano.
And she looks like one of the models right out of italianvogue.
Italian, italian, italian.
Thank you.
You're definitely up to something.
Oof! How'd you get so cynical? That stuff we talked about before.
- How's that sittin' with you? - Like i wasn't 90% sure already.
- What about your brother? Does he know? - I think so.
There was a time when the italian people didn't have a lot of options.
You mean like mario cuomo? Sorry.
You know, i put food on the table.
My father was in it.
My uncle was in it.
Maybe i was too lazy to think for myself-- consider myself arebel.
Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been sellin' patio furniture on route 22.
In college, nothing interested you? Nah, i barely got in.
Well, kind of liked history.
Yeah? Yeah.
Napoleon, the roman empire.
The potsdam conference-- that kind of thing.
- What's the potsdam conference? - Pots- damned if i know now.
Oh, my god.
Dad, i have something to tell you.
Yeah? - You're not-- - no! Jesus! A couple of weeks ago, me and some friends, we were doing speed.
- We did kind of a lot of it for a while.
- You what? It was just between homework and sats and just general pressure of life.
- We needed something to keep going.
- That crap'll kill you.
- I know.
- I oughta slap the shit outta you.
Where did you get it? If i thought this was gonna be a lecture, i never would have told you.
Take a reality check.
What do you think i'm gonna say? Where did you get it? No way i'm telling you, especially after this reaction.
Why did you tell me? You were honest with me today.
I won't be doing it again.
It got too scary.
Jesus, right under my nose.
You think you'd know.
No, dad, you won't.
I'm glad you told me, in spite of everything.
I'm glad i did too.
I'm glad we have that kind of relationship.
Tony hates building fires.
We have this beautiful fireplace, and those same three logs have been in there since lincoln split them.
Fear of fire.
Good deterrent to keep out of hell.
Maybe there is hope for him.
Oh.
I got something for you.
That's what we were talking about.
The chapter on buddhism is spectacular, but i don't want you going over to those zany zennies.
Fat chance.
It's funny.
I could never just sit on the floor and think of nothing.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
You'll see how islam has gotten a bad rap in current culture, and-- boy, this chianti, though, is beyond reproach.
- Word up.
- dad.
Thought you fell in.
This is carrie and lucinda.
How ya doin'? - They go to colby.
- Yeah? Why don't you hang out with them? - Dad.
- What better way to learn about the college? Yeah, maybe, but-- no, no, that'd be cool.
Please excuse him.
No, really.
We love to dish the school.
- Well-- - go ahead.
Okay.
Now, med, no drinkin'.
Girls, you see that she sticks to cokes.
I'll come back for you in an hour and a half.
Be good.
Yo.
What do you got? - Wet shoes.
- You chose this life.
You don't want to work in the rain, try out for the yankees.
The car is registered to fredrick peters, waterville, maine.
It's off route 201.
I looked it up.
Fredrick peters.
Fabian petrulio.
Good match, huh? I guess.
I don't know.
T, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I got meadow here.
Jesus.
Fuckin' nightmare.
You want, i'll fly up and take care of it.
You're a good kid.
You stay put.
- Maybe call pussy or paulie.
- What, they can do it, but i can't? Don't be sensitive.
They had a friend, jimmy, die in prison on account of this scumbag.
- All right, i'll let'em know.
- Fuck, i gotta do my homework and positively i.
D.
This guy.
- I thought you said it was him.
- I haven't seen him in All right, i'll call you around midnight.
Sit tight.
You think i'm a schnorrer, don't you? A who? Yiddish.
It means somebody who always shows up in time for free grub.
Well, you're here a lot.
And you're a man.
You like to eat.
I can't get over you with that yiddish.
Oh, that's, uh-- my neighborhood in yonkers was mixed.
Jewish and italian, you know? Eh, a heady brew.
What does that mean, "heady"? Mmm.
Melting pot.
Some vigor.
Oh.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm calling for tony soprano.
Cajun stuffed olives? Who can i say is calling? - This is dr.
Melfi.
- His nurse? No.
Is-- is this mrs.
Soprano? Uh, that's right.
And you are again? Jennifer melfi.
Dr.
Melfi? Jennifer.
Lovely name.
No, he's not home.
Could i impose on you to, uh, to tell him that i need to reschedule monday's appointment.
- I'm down with the flu.
- Does he have your number? - Let me give it to you in case.
- I lost my pencil, up his ass.
I'll tell him you called.
Why does he have to lie? Why couldn't he tell me his therapist is a woman? What is he hiding? - Maybe he did tell you, and you didn't hear him clearly.
- Oh, please.
Here's your fernet.
Why wouldn't he tell me, unless he's screwing her.
Carmela, please.
And i thought he was changing.
I thought therapy was gonna clear up the fuckin' freak show in his head.
Carmela.
I'm sure you're wrong about them.
Therapy is a start.
It's a good start, but, yes, it doesn't fix the soul.
He's gonna need help from other sources to repair that.
Well, then you talk to him.
You help him.
But, well, there you go.
W- will he listen? He must be a very unhappy man.
He's unhappy! Sleep is my number one-- aw, shit.
Why go into it? Good thing it's full of air bubbles.
- Mommy? - Yes, bear? Would you put me to bed? I'm scared.
- Sure, honey.
Hold on.
- I thought she was sleeping.
Yeah, well, she woke up.
Daddy's gonna come too, sweetie.
We'll both put you to bed.
Hurry, daddy.
Yeah, yeah.
These red pepper flakes really make all the difference.
Mm.
Spicy.
Good as willem dafoe was, i cannot picture that jesus looked like him.
Could you pass the cheese? Not that he didn't do a good job, willem dafoe, but the story's confusing.
So he gets down offthe cross? Mm.
You know, originally, bobby d.
Was supposed to have that role? Really? Oof.
Mm- hmm.
- Different picture.
- Oh, totally.
You talkin' to me, pilate? You must be talkin' to me, 'cause i don't see nobody else here, except barabbas here.
You know what's remarkable? If you take everything jesus ever said, add it up, it only amounts to two hours of talk.
No.
Mm- hmm.
No, but wait.
I heard the same thing about the beatles.
Except it was if you add up all their songs, it only comes to ten hours.
Yes.
Of course, it wasn't just what christ said.
It was his deeds.
See, that's my question.
I understand what he did, but a lot of what he said, i don't get.
Like,"the sun rises on the just and the unjust alike"? Why? Because.
Christ was saying that we're all-- that whores will go to heaven before a lot of the righteous? Uh- huh.
That's not right.
Let's face it, father.
We got some major contradictions here.
- It's about love.
Think about it like that.
- What does that mean? It means, hopefully, someday, we will learn to tolerate, accept and forgive those that are different.
Change through love.
Well.
Well-- oh, man, i better get going.
Where you going? You just got here.
It's getting late.
But it's pourin' rain out.
And i know you love that dvd player.
I gotremains of the day.
Hmm.
See? Do i know you? Anything with emma thompson, i'm there.
Father phil, i didn't know you looked.
What? To take in through the eyes a beautiful woman? Is that so different than a sunset, a douglas fir, or any of god's handiwork? Hey, fred.
Hey, tanky.
What do you say? You gonna give away any homemade cheese this year? For what they get for cream, i don't know.
Listen, tank, anybody been lookin' for me or askin' any questions about me? Big guy.
New york sounding? Is there a problem? No, no.
Nah, dipshit hit me with his boat while i was tubin' on caribou lake.
Claims it was my fault.
If he shows up, you want me to give you a call? Yeah, i wouldn't mind.
Do that.
Thanks.
You ready? Yeah.
Let's go.
No one was asking for you, fred.
All right, vitus.
Thanks.
Hello, rat.
Please leave me alone, miss kenton.
Why won't you show me your book? This is my private time.
You're invading it.
Oh, is that so? Yes.
I'm invading your private time, am i? Yes.
What's in that book? Come on.
Let me see.
Or are you protecting me? Is that what you're doing? Would i be shocked? Would it ruin my character? Let me see it.
Father, turn it off.
I can't handle it.
What? What is it? Oh, father, i'm a terrible person.
Oh, no.
You're a wonderful woman.
Oh, it's been building in me.
I need to get it out.
There's so much in me, i wanna-- i wanna-- carmela, if i can help.
Please.
How? How long has it been since you last confessed? Uh-- uh-- i, uh-- if you like, i can do this with you.
You mean right here, father? Now? The whole world is god's house.
He hears and sees everything.
Forgive me, father, for i have sinned.
It has been four weeks since my last confess-- what am i talkin' about? That's a lie.
I haven't truly confessed in tw- twenty years.
Go on.
I have forsaken what is right for what is easy, allowing what i know is evil in my house; allowing my children-- oh, my god, my sweet children-- to be a part of it because i wanted things for them.
Wanted a better life, good schools.
I wanted this house.
Wanted money in my hands-- money to buy anything i ever wanted.
I'm so ashamed.
My husband.
I think he has committed hor- horrible acts.
I think he has-- you know all about him, father phil.
I'm the same.
I've said nothing.
I've done nothing about it.
I got a bad feeling.
It's just a matter of time before god compensates me with outrage for my sins.
All right, come on.
Oh, tequila breath.
Whew! Sorry, dad.
It's all right, kiddo.
Just hang onto me.
Don't throw up on that dress, or i'll have to tell your mother everything.
This guy was giving me tequila shooters.
Oh-- oh, god, everything is spinning.
You're not mad, are you, daddy? Little bit.
Where are the keys? - I gave them to you.
- i love you, dad.
- I know.
You must truly repent, genuinely and honestly.
And in the future, you must renounce all these actions, and then god will absolve you.
I don't know, father.
I'll try.
But i still love him.
I still believe he can be a good man.
Then you help change him into a better man, and then you will have done good in god's eyes.
I think you should take communion.
Yeah.
Why do you have that with you? Unfortunately i had to say mass for someone in intensive care.
Lord, i am not worthy to receive thee.
But just say the word, and i will be healed.
And i will be healed.
This is the body of christ.
It was broken for you.
This is the blood of christ.
It was shed for you.
Accept the spirit of christ, our lord and savior.
Amen.
In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit.
Amen.
Dad? I booked a seat on a boston flight, tomorrow, 4:00.
- Best i could get.
- Don't come.
I'll make sure you and meadow clear the state before anything happens.
We don't ever meet face to face.
This is my thing.
I am your soldier, antonio.
This is my duty, like we're always talkin' about.
The way this went down, this is my call.
I gotta vouch for this myself.
Clippin' a famous rat would put me a cunt hair away from bein' made.
He might have recognized me at the gas station.
He could lam anytime.
You stay put.
End of discussion.
Why are you using the pay phone again? These walls are like paper.
I didn't want to wake you up.
Dad, please don't lie to me.
Let's go back to bed.
Lying down made me throw up.
Hello.
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, yeah.
Was it fun? Oh, good.
Oh, you-- you wanna sleep over there? Okay.
Love you.
That was a.
J.
He's sleepin' over.
Oh, i see.
He's at a friend's house.
Oh.
The pucillos.
I don't know if you know them.
No, i-- oh.
Oh-- oh, i-- what? Oh! Are you all right? Father phil? Are you all right? Hello.
Hello? Ow! Don't! Wanna stop and get a beer? Huh? No? I'll pick you up in a little while.
You knock'em dead.
- Aren't you coming in? - No, i left my watch at the motel.
I'll catch up to you later.
Grab me a student paper.
You should have some coffee.
Last night-- yep.
We didn't do anything out of line? There's nothing to apologize about.
Right.
That's right.
I should get dressed, get goin'.
Anthony junior will be home soon.
Oh, my god.
My car's been out there all night in plain sight.
If we didn't do anything wrong, we didn't do anything wrong.
Is there a commandment against eating ziti? It's okay.
Take a shower, get dressed.
Don't forget your sacrament kit, whatever.
I'm home! Carmela.
I don't know where to begin.
It's-- it's not that i don't have desire for you in my heart.
Marrone, father, please.
But last night was one of the most difficult tests from god ever for me.
What are you talkin' about? We're friends.
What's that look about? What, i look some way? I was just thinkin' about when we watched casablancalast week.
That new print is great, huh? You know when bogie says, "of all the lousy gin joints in the world, why'd she have to pick mine?" Of all thefinukpriests in the world, why did i have to get the one who's straight? Carmela-- come on.
It's a joke.
I would have done it myself last night, but some people came along.
But anyway, it's a gray town car, new model.
You pick'em up on the colby campus.
Stay on'em.
Where on the colby campus? What'd i just say? His kid's applyin'.
The fuckin' admissions office.
Oh.
Okay.
You follow'em.
An hour outta town, you pull up alongside-- - boom! Twelve- gauge.
- Fuck that.
Do what i ask, or you'll never get another bag off me.
No, no.
Fuck that.
Fuck that! You want the cops to find out who burnt down the historical house? Fuck you, fuck- wad! We were volunteer firemen together, asshole! I know! Yeah, is dougy in? Good mornin', rat.
Who are you? What is this? Don't make me laugh.
You pimp! You fuck! - Teddy, there must be something we can do-- - tony.
It's tony, you fuck.
You know how much trouble you're in now? You took an oath, and you broke it! I could've killed you last night, outside the motel.
Your daughter was drunk, remember? I was there in the parking lot.
I had a gun, but i didn't do it.
Because of her, i told myself, "it's just a coincidence.
He's takin' his little girl to college.
" One thing about us wiseguys, the hustle never ends.
You shot me at that motel, your life would've been flushed down thepiscia- do! Please, tony, i'm begging! Jimmy says hello from hell, you fuck! Where have you been? I went back to the motel, they didn't have the watch.
So i went to the restaurant.
They was closed.
I had to wait for them to open.
Restaurant had your watch? I took it off in the bathroom when i was washing my hands.
You ready? Don't wanna be late for bowdoin.
Dad, what's up with that? Oh, uh, the restaurant.
I tried the back door.
There were puddles.
It was dumb.
I know.
Your hand is bleeding.
Dad, where did you go? You saw that man, didn't you? I cut it on a screen door.
What man? The man you said you didn't know.
Ah, va a napoli.
What do you think happened? I don't know.
You got in a fight? You don't know.
You're makin' a big deal outta this, and you don't know.
You were on the pay phone again last night at 1:00 in the morning.
I was on the pay phone at 1:00 in the morning? Excuse me, miss cuervo anejo.
You can't be trusted to remember what happened last night, 'cause you were seeing pink elephants.
I warned you not to drink.
Dad, you're being honest with me, right? Pretty soon here you're gonna start hurtin' my feelings.
- We have that kind of relationship, you said.
- That's right.
We do or we don't.
Takes two to tango.
- Dad-- - what? Nothing.
I love you.
I love you too.
Where's my paper? I forgot.
She forgot.
Miss soprano, come on in.
Shall we talk about your future? Oh, here they are, the two ivy leaguers.
Mwah! How was it? Do you's want something to eat? It was good.
I gotta call hunter.
Hey.
Gee, she spared me no boring detail.
I'll be back.
What a trip.
I'm beat.
What, new england? It's so gorgeous.
Hmm.
You still sound a little nasal, but you look better.
Any cold pasta? There was some ziti, but it all got eaten.
The whole tray? From last sunday? Monsignor jughead was here.
If you are referring to father intintola, yes, he was.
Hmm.
He spent the night here.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
- The priest spent the night here.
What happened? - Nothing.
- Where was anthony? - He was sleeping over at jason's.
The priest spent the night here, nothin' happened, and you're tellin' me this because-- you might hear something, take it the wrong way.
His car was out front all night.
You know what? This is too fucked up for me even to think about.
What'd you guys do for 12 hours? Play, uh,"name that pope"? He gave me communion.
- Oh, i'll bet he gave you communion.
- Excuse me? The guy spends the night here with you, and all he does is slip you a wafer? That's verging on sacrilege.
- Oh, i didn't mean to verge.
- You think i'm lying? I don't know, but the whole thing sounds-- would i have told you about it voluntarily if there had been anything to be ashamed of? Do i look like the friggin' thornbird over here? He's a fag.
That's it.
'Cause otherwise, i gotta question what i'm hearin' here.
Oh, tony, you are a sketch.
Oh, by the way, your therapist called.
Jennifer? Carm.
I just thought you'd think it was weird if i saw a woman psychiatrist, that's all.
Carm, come on! It's just therapy, that's all.
We just talk!