Happy Endings s01e09 Episode Script

Dude, check out what we've been working on all afternoon.
Hit it, B.
Taking it.
Double Dutch, go.
Unh.
Now that that's settled, what are we doing with the rest of our day? Revenge of the nerds marathon, basic cable.
Sweet.
l know what l'm doing with the next seven hours.
Yeah, l heard if you play Revenge of the nerds III and TLC's CrazySexyCool at the same time, they sync perfectly.
Sorry, can't join you guys.
Me and Jane have an awesome double date planned.
Gonna hit a wine bar, probably talk about good school districts.
You wanna stay here, don't you? Of course l do.
Lamar's like the third most influential African-American character in movie history after Radio and Malcolm X.
Nobody moves! My leftover chicken Parm sando from last week is missing and l want answers.
Dave, you know how seriously l take my pre-dinner meal.
Max, why don't you just admit that you eat two dinners? Because l'm not a hobbit.
Hobbits ate two breakfasts.
He does that too.
That's not the point! The point is that food is missing, and this is not the first time.
My carnitas burrito from a week ago, gone.
My meat-pocalypse pizza from last Wednesday? Poof, into thin air.
My 40-piece chicken nugget that l was saving for my birthday has just vanished.
Dude, you're acting crazy.
Am l? Am l? Am l? Talk about.
Don't ease the tension with dance.
Jane, l can't believe you've never been to that Korean spa in Bucktown.
l can't either.
l thought l'd been to every spa.
This place does an akasuri face scrub that is life-changing.
Better than the abalone kelp wrap at the Four Seasons? Brad, do you have any idea what these two are talking about? Oh, yeah, see, a scrub can really exfoliate your face, but a wrap, now, that just gets in there Nope, no clue.
l like beer, man.
And rattlesnakes.
l have some free spa passes.
l'd love for you to go with me as my guest.
- l would love that.
- Good.
Brad, you guys could watch the game while we go to the spa.
Wouldn't that be great? Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be awesome.
That's gonna be horrible.
l knew you were gonna say that.
Your voice gets high when you don't wanna do something.
What? ''l love tofu spare ribs.
'' ''Sure, l'll go to wine country with your parents.
'' ''l'll totally take care of you after you finish with me.
'' l don't do that.
Whatever.
l work with Carl, but l don't wanna be friends.
We have enough friends.
Brad, we've talked about this.
You need to be open to new things, new experiences.
l'm open to new experiences.
You've worn the same Halloween costume for the past 1 5 years.
l love it.
Double Snookis! Ooh, ooh, ooh! There's my fresh, fly posse.
Ah, yes, where my dog pound at? Where my dog pound? Yes.
What are you talking about? Arsenio's timeless.
Look, l really like Carl and Dianne.
They're sophisticated, they've been married longer.
We could really learn from them.
Fine, l'll go on a dude date with Carl.
But l want one of those sea kelp face wraps.
You know l like my T-zone all supple and dewy.
Damn it, why does that turn me on? Hm.
A lot of cute guys here tonight, Al.
Not really what l'm looking for.
l don't know, it's been a while since you and Dave split up.
l mean, maybe you should think about dating again.
l still don't think l'm ready yet.
Are you sure? Because l feel like tonight would be the perfect night for you to get back out there, now.
l don't think so.
Okay.
Well, what if you were, like, stuck in a trap in the woods and, like, a cougar was trying to eat you.
Would you date then? That's insane.
Why would that happen? No idea, forget that.
Maybe your dad is the head of some elite counterterrorist unit, and he only has 24 hours l don't know.
The point is, would you date? l guess.
l knew it.
Hi.
l'm Clark.
This is Pete.
Surprise double date! Waiter, round of sambucs.
You're welcome.
Can you believe Penny surprise-double-dated me? l mean, l feel like l was on a UPN reality show.
Crazy.
Okay, Max, l hired you to help me paint the store, okay? Not lay around.
Well then why'd you bring all these newspapers? They're four months old, okay? We're using them as a drop cloth, dumb-ass.
Well, l don't know all your fancy painting terms.
And besides, Al, it's no big deal.
You should be out there dating.
l mean, the world is open to you.
Chase your joy, dear Libra.
What? Oh, l'm reading your horoscope from four months ago.
It also says you will meet a tall, dark stranger.
l did get hit on by Dr.
Sanjay Gupta.
You got hit on by Sanjay Gupta and didn't tell anybody? Yeah.
Hey, Al, when you were living with Dave, did he ever steal your leftovers, maybe throw them out? It's happening.
What's happening? Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think l'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.
Max, Dave is a sleepwalker, okay, and he does crazy things.
Eating, repotting plants.
He even sang all the songs from Les Mis, and he nailed it.
What did he do when you told him? He said he'd never seen Les Mis.
It was very weird.
About the sleepwalking.
Oh.
Totally denies it.
l'm gonna have to catch him in the act.
l'm gonna need night-vision goggles, high-end, probably military grade.
Runs about 9-, 1 0,000.
How much are you paying me? Fifty bucks and a box of cheddar bunnies.
Damn, l need those things.
Look, why don't you just ask Jane if you can borrow her nanny cam? Why does Jane have a nanny cam? Because l like to know what our stuff is doing when we're not here.
Okay, we had some workers that l didn't trust, and then l fell in love with the teddy bear, so l left it there.
You're trying to catch Brad doing something? Yes, damn it, why hasn't it worked yet? Hey, honey.
Hi, babe.
So l hope your niece likes the teddy bear and just remember there's only eight gigabytes of hugs to give.
So what are you trying to film? What? You know about the teddy cam? Of course.
But it's cool, l learned how to use it to my advantage.
Hey, babe? Max found this place with the best prime rib in the city.
It's in a strip club, but l promise you l'm just going there for lunch.
Of course, Boo.
Ha, ha.
Oh, my n-- Eh Why can't l say it? Fine.
My ni-- Nope, changed my mind immediately.
l'm gonna get on the bus with my teddy bear, buy a sandwich, put it in the fridge, and catch a sleepwalking Dave.
Nothing in that sentence makes you reassess what you're doing with your life? Nope.
All right.
- Bye, Jane.
- Bye.
So how'd drinks go with Carl? Oh, it was cool.
Carl's a good guy.
Oh, l'm so happy because l really, really like Dianne, although l can't believe all the stuff they've been through.
What's that, now? You don't know? The whole Ethiopian adoption process, how they lost money from a bogus orphanage? What did you guys talk about while you watched the game? Mm, these nachos have beans in them.
Mm.
l love beans.
Okay, these are going to be our new good couple friends.
Okay.
So you need to just open up to Carl and let him open up to you.
Right, open up.
Yeah.
Emotionally, right? Okay, clean it up.
l was just checking.
Hey, what up, Brad? Hands are kind of full, bro.
Oh, yeah, they are.
Hey, uh, Carl, um, Jane told me about you and Dianne and the adoption thing.
Oh, yeah.
lf you, like, need to talk about it, l could make me be that person who you do that, forthwith.
l really appreciate it.
Oh, no problem, bro.
And Dianne told me about the huge problems you're having with Jane and that you had to go to couples therapy so if you wanna talk, l'm listening.
Yeah, man, sounds great, man Wait, who went where, now? Dude, l'm here for you.
Oh.
l guess that's worse than the high-five, huh? All right, let's do Rambos out there, right? Yeah, man.
You're First Blood, l'm second blood.
Oh, man.
Aha.
Got you, Dave, you falafel-stealing bastard.
Al, l said l was sorry about the double-date thing, but it's time for some tough love.
Dave's been dating a lot, right? Like, a lot, a lot? Like, DiCaprio a lot? Seriously.
l don't care.
He even slept with Tracy Labarski.
From high school? That slut.
Kind of harsh.
l meant Dave.
Where's Dave? Did he park his truck here? He took it down to Wrigley, why? Because l have proof that he's been stealing the food from the fridge, which makes it okay for a grown man to carry a teddy bear in public, if anyone asks.
Max, has Dave been dating a lot? Tough love.
Yeah.
He's on fire.
Like John Mayer on fire.
ls that more or less than DiCaprio? More.
Wow.
Yeah.
l didn't realize.
l know.
Okay.
You know what, guys? l think l'm ready.
l am ready to start dating again.
That's great.
There's a singles booze cruise tonight on Lake Mich.
We play our cards right, we are drunk off Skinnygirl Margaritas by 7, we are knee-deep in investment bankers by 9.
l'm in.
Oh, was l not invited? Did you tell Dianne we went to couples therapy? What are you talking about, Biscuit? No, no, no.
No Biscuit, no Boo, no sweetie, no black Han Solo.
None of your pet names get you out of this.
Now, did you tell her that? Okay, l did, but only because she shared so much.
l mean, l had to say something.
Yeah, but couples therapy? l don't know, couples therapy.
Heh, heh.
Right? Us? Couples therapy? That's crazy.
Woman, what did you do? Technically, we did not go, but, uh, after Alex and Dave split up, l just l was so freaked out l wanted to go see a couples therapist to make sure we were okay, so l thought l'd meet a few.
You know, see who fit.
You auditioned therapists? How many? Five.
Five? Five.
See, l thought maybe we had trouble communicating, but the first doctor said we just had different styles, and the second one said l needed to bring up issues sooner, and he had bad breath, and the third one looked like a female Scott Bakula, which just stressed me out, because l am way behind on my Men of a Certain Age, and you know how Mama likes a clean DVR.
The fourth one asked me why l went to so many therapists.
Did not like him at all.
The fifth one made me realize that l have an amazing husband and a great marriage, so all is good in the neighborhood.
Good.
Great.
Okay, you're mad, but l wouldn't have had to go to all these therapists if l thought you would be open to it.
Oh, so now it's on me.
Okay.
All right, fine.
Whoa, where are you going? To work, because my wife is insane.
l am not insane, okay? Doctors one, three and five confirmed that.
What are we watching, and why are you carrying a teddy bear? Don't worry about Murray, he's with me.
Alex told me about your sleepwalking, and l'm willing to bet this tape proves you stole the food.
She told you about that? Oh, yeah.
Dude, l do not sleepwalk! l don't know why every-- Aah! l sleepwalk.
Boom! Gotcha.
See, you're gonna go to the fridge.
Soon you're gonna go-- You're walking away from the fridge.
Well, who stole the food, then? And why was l bowing? Wait, stop, stop, did you see that? Huh? Go back.
Go back.
l am.
l am going back.
Okay.
ls there a guy living in our ceiling? Yes, dude, there's a guy living in our ceiling.
Why are we getting paint for your store from Max's? He said he had a guy.
Max's bank account is a garbage bag under his bed, but he's got a paint guy? Makes total sense.
Oh.
Hey.
Hi, l'm Malcolm.
l'm, uh, Dave and Max's new upstairs neighbor.
They, uh l don't have a fridge, so they said l could come in and use theirs.
Well, l'm Alex and this is Penny.
We actually came to pick up some paint, which is clearly not here.
That's funny, l'm a painter.
Like Raphael or Michelangelo? They were, like, Renaissance guys.
l'm more of a conceptual artist.
Like Donatello.
He was a sculptor.
l only know three Ninja Turtles, so l'm out.
Ha, ha.
Who was your favorite? Um, for art, Donatello, and for Ninja Turtling, Raphael all the way.
Totally.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Al? Yeah.
Can l talk to you? Mm-hm.
See what happens when you open yourself up to dating again? Look what comes along.
Him? Really? Yeah.
He is cute in, like, a Skeet Ulrich kind of way.
He's smart, he's artistic, ask him out.
He is Skeet cute, but he's Dave's neighbor.
Tracy Labarski.
So, Malcolm, l don't know, would you like to get a drink tonight? We can dive into the whole Ninja Turtling debate? Ha, ha, ha! l can't.
Oh.
Pfft.
Yeah.
Got this gallery opening tonight l'm supposed to be at.
Uh, would you, l don't know, like to come with me? Uh, yeah, l love gallery openings.
Cool.
Have you been to many? Pfft, uh, like, five, six thousand.
Where should she meet you? Um, say 7:30 at the gallery on West Superior.
That sounds super-erior.
You're done.
Ha, ha, ha.
What was that? Bye.
Sorry.
Ha, ha.
l'm doing it.
Oh, my God, l'm so proud of you.
He seems so great.
Ugh, what l wouldn't give to find a nice, normal guy.
You get down here right now, you food thief! Russian guy that rented me this place told me there was a crawlspace, but l never bothered to look.
Because you're afraid of spiders.
My third biggest phobia, behind public speaking and drag queens with no makeup.
Let's go up there.
It's pretty high.
Come on, let's be men and get up there.
It's really easy.
It's really Oh, God.
Okay, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard.
l got it, l got it.
Don't worry, man.
Come on, come on.
Dude.
l found another entrance in the hallway.
It had stairs.
Way easier.
Wow.
This place is not as creepy as l thought it was gonna be.
l totally thought it was gonna be putting the lotion in the basket, but this guy's got pretty good taste in shirts.
He's actually a pretty good artist.
You could totally see the pain on this guy's face.
Oh, my God.
He took our Apple Smacks.
This has gotta stop.
We are staying here until this bastard-- Oh, my God, it's the biggest spider l've ever seen! No, my bad.
Heh, heh.
It's just a ball of wire.
- Dave? - Unh Dave? Hey, B-Rad.
What's wrong, man? You were so quiet in that meeting.
l mean, you didn't even laugh when Peterson whipped out his classic O.
J.
impression.
Classic Peterson.
Ha, ha.
Right? Oh, man, l love that impression.
Yeah.
Can l bounce something off you? l'm a trampoline, bro.
Bounce whatever you want.
Ha, ha.
Uh, Jane went to couples therapy without me.
She didn't think l'd be open to it, but that's not the point.
l just don't think we have real problems.
You probably don't.
Women, they got a problem factory up here, but, uh, that being said, you've got to let her know that she can talk to you if she has concerns.
l mean, marriage is a two-way street.
You're right.
Thanks, man.
No problemo, senor.
You know what, man? This right here? This is nice.
Look, uh, now that l've got your ear, l've been meaning to share something with you.
Oh, man, share it up, dude.
l am the share-man of the board.
Uh, Dianne and l, we've been having some problems-- l'm sorry about that, man.
--finding someone to share our bed with us.
Uh, like Like a-- Like a dog? There'll probably be a leash involved.
Right? Ha, ha, ha.
That got weird.
That got so weird.
This whole thing's weird.
You're great.
Hey, nerds, l got huge news.
Okay, Dave, l really hope you can be mature about this.
So l may have pushed Alex to go on her first date, post the whole non-wedding thing.
You cool with that? Yeah, l'm totally cool with that.
Are you sure? It's gotta be tough.
No, it's totally easy for me.
ls he handsome, successful? Ah, it doesn't matter.
ls he tall? He's actually your neighbor.
He's that kind of cute, scruffy guy, said he lived upstairs.
Where have you been hiding him? Oh, my God, what have l done? Set up Alex with a homeless squatter.
A homeless vigilante squatter.
We have to stop this.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, l'm sorry.
l shouldn't accuse you of not communicating when l don't give you a chance to.
It's okay, babe, l'm sorry too.
l need to be better at letting you know you can always talk to me.
Aw, l love my black Han Solo.
Mm.
Oh, and thank you for pushing me to open up to Carl.
He opened up to me and we got to a really great place.
See? l knew we could learn a lot from Carl and Dianne.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we learned a lot, and they have so much more to teach us, like Oh, speaking of which Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
l am so glad that you and Brad are clicking, because l really like you guys.
Oh, we like you, too, Jane.
A lot.
l like you even more.
Well, that's great.
Well, what do you say the three of us go across the street, check in a hotel, shave down and let our bodies do the talking, huh? Wouldn't that be so fun? No, seriously, we wanna have sex with you.
Oh, my God, that was insane.
They legitimately wanted to get down with my vagina.
What are you complaining about? l didn't even get invited.
But you gotta admit, they are a very open couple.
Okay, l deserve that.
l'm happy you got me to open up.
But from now on, instead of doing it with creepy guys at work or therapists that look like Scott Bakula, let's just do it together.
Yes.
And we can also go back to hanging out with our normal friends.
Thank goodness.
Who apparently are on their way to stop Alex from dating some guy who lives in Max and Dave's ceiling.
Ha, ha.
l love those crazy kids.
Alex, wait.
You can't date this guy.
What are you doing? Stopping you from making a big mistake.
What? You get to date half of Chicago-- Tracy Labarski, by the way.
Ew.
--and l finally go on one date and you show up and ruin it? Al, Skeet Ulrich lives in Max and Dave's ceiling.
Wait.
You're Max and Dave.
Yeah.
That's right.
And you do not take someone's Apple Smacks without getting a serious beat-down, son.
You can't act hard when you're talking about fruit cereal.
Yeah? lf l do a couple of warning lunges at him, huh? Some maniac blinks, huh? Let's dance, scarf man.
l am so lost.
My friend told me about this space, and l was only living there until l sold a painting.
But l've never actually seen Dave and Max, just heard them.
Wait, you're Alice.
Who's Alice? Oh, Dave mourned the end of the relationship for days.
Uh, l thought he was saying ''Alice, '' but it was hard to hear through all the sobbing.
Sobbing? No, you didn't You heard me not sobbing and being totally over it.
What does that sound like? l'll tell you later.
l called the series ''Dave's Despair.
'' Oh.
l thought the emotional pain in those paintings looked familiar.
You're a super-talented artist, man, but you do not steal from people.
You're right, l'm sorry.
ls that my shirt? Heh, what? That is just l'm gonna exit through the gift shop.
Wait, you squat in their crawlspace? Yeah, l'm a rebel, can you dig it? l know, but, uh, l don't think we should see each other anymore.
There's a bro code, and l can't do that to him.
Sorry, kid.
What? So, clearly, someone is trying to tell me that l am not ready to date yet.
Oh, by the way, and l know l don't have a say in it, but when you're ready, l promise l'll be cool with it.
Thank you.
ln fact, there's a guy living under my steak truck.
l could introduce you.
He's got a nice, full beard.
Ha, ha.
Stop it.
What is going on with you and this diet peach iced tea? Oh, this isn't for us.
Malcolm, incoming.
Hey, thanks, man.
Enjoy the shirt.
Cool.
Oh, hey, do you have a belt l could-- - A brown one would be-- - Coming at you.
This guy's awesome.
Ladies, gentlemen, Alex, l like to call this ''The Legend of Sleepy Dave.
'' Enjoy.
- Wow.
- A skill l didn't know l had.
This is sad.
Are you checking your pulse there? You never jog in real life.
Oh, pretty good form.
That's really good-- Cookies with the push-up? Bold.
- All right.
- Wow, this is-- A tour de force.
ls it gonna get sexy? Yeah, it gets sexy right here.
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