Everybody Loves Raymond s01e18 Episode Script

What? What's the problem? Gotta go to the bathroom.
So go.
No.
Too tired.
I gotta go all the way around and come all the way back.
I hate this side of the bed.
You're closer.
You go to the bathroom for me.
Not this again.
Ray, you chose that side, you wanted that side you made your bed, now just shut up in it.
I never should've took this side.
I went with my childhood instinct.
I took the side away from the door in case the boogieman comes in.
If the boogieman gets you I'm in my spaceship by then.
What if he comes in through the window? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, listen, thanks for stopping by again.
Yeah, 'cause we've missed you since this morning.
Okay.
Bye, now.
- We'll see you.
- Hey.
Robert, listen, everybody was just leaving.
Is that meatloaf? Yeah.
You wouldn't like it, very dry.
We're throwing it out.
Is that a spot on your uniform, Robbie? - This? - Yeah.
No, that's just a little something that the Lieutenant pinned on a particularly deserving officer at roll call this morning.
What did you get, a condemnation? Commendation, Dad.
Let me see.
- Okay, go easy on it.
- What's it for? Perfect attendance.
Three years in a row.
That's pretty good, Robert.
Okay, bye, now.
I am so proud of you, Robbie.
That's my boy.
Always there.
Ray, look at this letter.
You're up for Sportswriter of the Year.
What are you talking about? Here, look.
Your newspaper submitted you, and you got nominated.
Raymond, that's marvelous.
I knew I was submitted, but I didn't think this would happen.
One thousand ninety-five days of perfect attendance.
Look, and they're going to announce the winner at an awards banquet.
- I bet they got a buffet.
- Yeah.
I always told you, you're a great writer.
Don't get excited, 'cause I'm not going to this thing.
- Why not? - It's a stupid, meaningless award, that's all.
Well, can I still go? They got wheelbarrows full of shrimp there.
Nobody's going, okay? These events are always lame.
Why are you being so negative? Yeah, what's the matter? You don't like shrimp? Come on, Marie, I'm hungry.
Well, as far as I'm concerned you're already the winner in this family.
Come on, Robbie.
Best of luck.
I hope it all works out for you.
Ray, what is wrong with you? This isn't a lame event.
This is a black-tie, prestigious thing.
And if you win, it could really be good for your career.
No, come on.
Good for my career.
No.
Awards mean nothing, all right? Best thing to do is just forget about it.
You think you're gonna lose.
Of course.
But this is so fantastic, Ray.
Look at this: "Sportswriter of the Year.
" I mean, this is great just to be nominated.
"It's great just to be nominated.
" That's what the loser says.
That's the title of the loser handbook.
Have you ever thought of something? You might actually win this.
Look, Debra, don't make me want this.
- It's okay to want things, Ray.
- No, you're wrong.
Right now, my expectations are right here, this high.
When I fall from here I sprain an ankle, I limp away.
That's all.
If I fall from where you're talking about splat.
I'm Splat, the loser.
"Hey, any words for us, Splat?" "It was great just to be nominated.
" All right, fine.
We won't go.
You're hopeless.
You really think I can win it? Look at the competition here, all right? Bill Scheft, he's already won twice, so he's finished.
Chuck Heaton's big story this year was "Too much violence in boxing.
" Thanks for the scoop, Chuck.
I mean, you're always telling me what a hack Ted Stankovich is.
But most importantly, I know you.
I know your writing.
And listen, sweetie, you are really, really good.
There is nobody that's better than you, Ray.
You are Sportswriter of the Year.
You did it.
You made me want it.
Ray, this is so great.
Oh, my God, we're out, we're with adults.
I didn't have to cut anybody's meat, you smell good.
This was a mistake.
All this small talk with people who couldn't care less about me.
It's torture.
Look, the skater.
- Excuse me, are you Ray Barone? - Yeah.
I'm Katarina Witt.
- Wife.
- Hi, I'm Debra.
Gosh, it is so great to meet you.
We are really big fans of yours.
Thank you very much.
I just want to say how much I loved your article about professionals in the Olympics.
Oh, wow.
Thanks.
You're a very good writer, and I'm sure you're gonna win tonight.
So good luck.
Thank you.
See? Torture.
What do you mean? A beautiful, famous skater has just told you how much she loves your work.
- How can it be better than that? - I could be single.
Look, of course she's gonna say she likes my work.
She's a skater.
She's dizzy from all that spinning.
You're right.
I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll all take your seats.
It's time to begin.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
I'll jump out that window.
Sit down, you freak.
Ray Barone.
Marv Albert.
Hi.
- Honey, this is Marv Albert.
- Yes.
Tell you, I've never heard that before.
- This is my wife, Debra.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks.
Cake throws off her medication.
Word is that your are the odds-on favorite.
And, personally, I've been such a huge fan of yours over the years.
- Thank you.
I appreciate that.
- I'll see you later.
- Thanks.
- Best of luck to you.
Marv Albert thinks I'm on medication.
Odds-on favorite.
Big fan.
Oh, my God, I might have a shot at this.
And now, to present the award for Sportswriter of the Year Mr.
Marv Albert.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
And now, the main event for the Federated Press Association Sportswriter of the Year.
The nominees are: Ted Stankovich of the Chicago Tribune Hack, hack.
Bill Scheft of the Boston Globe I don't care.
Chuck Heaton of the Cleveland Plain Dealer and Ray Barone of New York News Desk.
And the winner is Look, Ray, you're just gonna have to make the best of this.
Something good's gonna come from this.
You'll see.
Ray, come on.
You know, Ray, you're Sportswriter of the Year.
You know, when most people win an award, they don't look like they're passing a stone.
Yeah, well, you try lifting this thing.
The trophy's too big.
Is that the problem, Ray? I don't know.
It doesn't feel right.
- What's wrong with winning an award? - It's too good to be true.
- But it is true.
- Then it can't be that good.
- You are such a pessimist.
- I am not a pessimist.
Oh, no? You are incapable of seeing the good in anything.
What is that called? A realist.
And I can see the good in a lot of things, okay? How about last year when we went skiing and I didn't break anything? That's because you sat in the lodge the whole time, saying: "I don't wanna break anything.
" I enjoyed it in my own way.
I liked the hot chocolate.
Although, I hear now that fake sweetener stuff will kill you.
It's crazy.
Yeah, you're not a pessimist.
Listen, I know how your head works.
I'm gonna prove it to you.
You say the first thing that comes into your mind when I say, for instance: Love.
Wife.
Nice answer, but it took a little too long getting there.
I could tell you threw out like 15 words before you got to "wife.
" They all meant wife.
You're not supposed to think before you say anything, okay? - All right.
I got it.
I'll try doing it again.
- Okay.
Ice cream.
I thought you were gonna say "love" again.
I was ready for "love.
" - No.
It's different words, Ray.
- All right.
Go ahead.
- Ice cream.
- Fat.
See.
Right to the negative.
- Beach.
- Sunburn.
- Marriage.
- Counselor.
- Bad.
- Worse.
- Steak.
- Stroke.
- Sex.
- Twins.
I think I proved my point.
I proved my point.
No.
The twins are a positive, all right.
Come on.
Maybe you're the one who's a little negative around here.
Face it, Ray.
You're a total pessimist.
All right, I'm a little pessimistic.
But I got it under control, okay.
I can be optimistic any time I want to.
You are so classic.
You're in total denial.
I mean, look at this.
How can you not enjoy this? It's really easy.
This is not normal.
You know that? You really have a big problem.
I'm being careful, that's all.
I always thought I was just an occasional worrier, you know, like a guy comes up and says "hello," and I'm thinking: "Hey, is this guy gonna hit me?" That kind of thing.
Do you like being this way? It's all I know.
It doesn't have to be this way.
You can get better.
You can change.
But listen the first step is admitting that you have a problem.
All right.
I'm Ray and I'm a pessimist.
Hi, Ray.
Hey, everybody.
Daddy's home.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How was your day? - Great.
Just great.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Well, dinner's almost ready.
Great.
What are we having? - Just assorted leftovers.
- Great.
- I like variety.
- Yeah.
Hey, sweetie.
Daddy's face is weird.
- Gee, so you're in a good mood, huh? - I'm in a great mood.
I'm proud of you.
You're really being positive.
Yeah, I'm trying.
It isn't easy though, I tell you.
Today was one of the toughest days of my life.
Why? I got a promotion.
Oh, my God.
That's wonderful.
Oh, sweetie.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
It's a big - good thing.
- Yeah.
See, that award was good.
Something good came from that, too.
Right.
I gotta admit I almost had some negative thoughts there, you know.
I was tempted to think promotion: More responsibility, intense pressure stomach ulcers, hair loss, bleeding gums.
But I didn't.
I just pushed those thoughts right out of my mind and I thought, everything's great because I'm coming home to my family.
Oh, honey.
Ray, this is really a huge step for you.
- It is.
- Yeah.
And you know, even though I got a promotion I'm gonna look at the bright side.
As a matter of fact, forget about the leftovers.
Let's celebrate.
- Let's order in.
- Great.
Yeah.
And I'll get my parents.
I'll tell them to come over.
Do you have to? Your parents are always You're gonna talk the talk, you walk the walk.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
Just great.
Here's another one: Pellagra.
"Characterized by skin eruptions "digestive and nervous system disturbances "and eventual mental deterioration.
" That's disgusting.
- You want me to keep going? - Couple more.
Impetigo.
Hey, everybody.
What are you doing? Just reading up on diseases.
You got no idea what's out there.
We heard you won your award thing.
That's very nice, Ray.
Thanks.
Actually, it was great.
You know how I thought I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal.
It kind of was.
I met Katarina Witt and Marv Albert.
- Was DiMaggio there? - No, Dad.
Well, at least you made the Sportswriter Hall of Fame.
Actually it's Sportswriter of the Year.
Just the year.
That's wonderful, dear.
How much you win? I got a trophy, Ma.
Big trophy.
- No cash? - No.
No, just the trophy.
But because of that trophy That's nice.
You got a nice trophy.
Nice gold trophy.
Actually it's silver, Ma.
I thought silver was for second place.
- I'm sure it's a very nice trophy.
- Yeah.
You bust your ass all year long, at least they could throw you a few dollars.
- Dad, it's more of a prestige thing.
- Yeah? Take the prestige thing to the market and see how many eggs you bring home.
Ray, what's going on? - What are you doing here? - I took a sick day.
What about your perfect attendance? What, like I need another little pin? I hear you won the award last night.
Yeah, I did.
And it was great.
And I don't care what anybody thinks about it.
I feel good about it.
I thought something bad was gonna happen from this, but you know what? I got a promotion today.
- Promotion.
- Yeah.
Gee, what a shock.
- They made you editor? - No, Dad.
Why not? I'm head of Sports Features.
And that's good.
That's good.
You know, most people think an award and a promotion are good things.
I enjoy my work and I'm glad to be recognized for it.
Hey, and I'm gonna pat myself on the back and feel good about it.
Well, I must say, Ray this is a side of you that's not very attractive.
- What? - Nobody likes a bragger.
What, are you going uptown on us? You're really beginning to get a swell head.
We didn't bring you up that way.
I'm sorry.
I didn't I just thought I was No, wait a minute.
What am I apologizing for? Look, all I'm doing is being happy.
Maybe everybody around here would be a little bit happy if you tried to see the good in things.
But instead, you just beat everything down.
What are you yelling at us for? Is this how you're gonna handle the new job? I got an award, all right? No, that's good.
I got a promotion, too.
That's good.
There's no bad here.
They don't promote you if you're bad.
If I was a pessimist like them, I would think it's bad.
But I am an optimist now.
I feel good all the time.
Oh, look, it's raining.
That's good for the garden, isn't it? Why do people who convert try to drag everyone along with them? - It's raining? - It's raining.
But it's good for the garden.
Honey, I shouldn't have let you go over there.
- I knew you weren't ready.
Oh, my God.
- No.
- Two steps forward, one step back.
- Yeah.
What's wrong with you? I think I have some bad news, Ray.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Your editor called.
There's this race and there's a girl from Long Island, a 13-year-old who's gonna be competing in it and he wants his new head of Sports Features to cover it.
Yeah? It's the Iditarod, Ray.
It's in Alaska.
Are you okay? That's a two-week dog sled race in 35-below weather.
Stankovich covered that last year and lost a toe.
I'm sorry.
It sounds terrible.
Yeah, it is.
Why are you smiling? This isn't exactly good news.
Not exactly good news? Honey, this is horrible.
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- Then why aren't you upset? Because I was right.
Oh, God.
I was right.
I was walking around all day pretending there wasn't gonna be any bad news.
But here it is: Bad news.
Hello, old friend.
Ray, come on, you're falling off the wagon.
No.
I'm a pessimist.
That's who I am.
It's in my blood.
This is where I feel comfortable.
I'm back.
No, Ray, you are just sick.
You're not happy unless you're miserable.
Bingo.
Come on, let's go have some crummy leftovers and then after dinner, we'll just sit like lumps and watch a stupid video.
The kids broke the VCR.
Yeah, honey as miserable as it sounded, it's even worse.
All right, I'll see you in a week and a half.
Yeah, I still got my toes.
Okay, bye.
I love you, too.
Oh, no.
Honey, don't hang up.
My lips are stuck! Hello? I knew this would happen.