Skins s02e01 Episode Script

Pretty good fella, but not good enough.
- Homo! - Yeah, because I rule, basically Shit bender.
Ah, Kelly, you're stankin'! What about you, you sweaty fuck! Aargh! Get away, you scummer.
Later then! What you think of that, then? Tone? What? Think of what? The moves Me, Jonno and Kel worked it out.
It's OK.
Hey! Nothing to worry about, dude.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's all right.
Everything's cool.
- Hi, Maxxie.
- Hey.
Hi.
Who's that? That's Tony.
What's up with you? I had a traumatic subdural haematoma with motor and perceptional complications.
Are you mental? Yes.
I'd still give you one.
Totally.
He's well fit.
Yeah, Queenie? Yeah.
He's buff.
Hey come on, Tone.
See you later, girls.
See you Maxxie! Bye! I wanna give Maxxie one.
You can't.
He's homosexual.
Bummer.
See? I remembered your favourite.
Thanks.
You've grown, Tony.
And there's another two inches in you, easy.
How's your Mum? I don't remember you.
Oh, well.
We used to have lovely chats when I was cleaning your mum's place.
You were such a clever little lad.
I'm stupid now.
No.
Here you go, mate.
Thanks, Mum.
Oh, we used to giggle.
Well, you never did know what your mum was going to say next.
Ketchup, Mum? Yeah, right.
Bloody hilarious jokes she told.
Filthy.
Oh, a right laugh, your mum.
Mum? I need to pee.
I can manage it myself usually.
Yeah, sorry.
Oh, fucking fucking fucking thing! Oh! Ooh.
Oooh! Ooh la la! Yee-ha! Oi, look out.
Here comes Batty Boy.
You wanna watch it, Dale.
He'll slip you a big fat cock! No fucking way, man! Cockety-cock-cock! Or he'll slurp you a big fat cock! A big fucking cock, yeah.
He'll be like, "All right, my lover!" and wank you silly all over his face and then tie you up and shoving his big fat cock right up your arse and you wouldn't be able to fucking stop him cos it's fucking torture.
You're shrieking and I'm just saying fucking homos, though, innit? Yeah, fucking homos.
Fuck 'em.
We'll fuck them up.
- Fuckin' queers! - Lads Yeah, fuckin' 'omos! Nice one, Taz! Hey, Taz! All right, love? Tea's ready.
Nice routine, Dad.
Nice? It's gonna fucking slay them at the regionals.
Cool.
I just wanted to ask, is it OK if I drop out of my A-levels and? Come back? I wanna leave college and audition for musicals in London.
You're getting qualifications and you're coming to me on the building.
But how's a history A-level gonna help me be a builder? You'll be an educated builder.
Dad, I want to be a dancer.
They have dancing every Thursday down the centre.
You love that.
- No, but - Pastimes.
That's what we're into.
- Dad - The rest isn't for us.
Get the dog.
Taz.
Fucking turd burglar.
Watch out, Dale.
Fucking dog! Quiet, boy.
You got something to say, kidder? Say what I like.
Free country, innit? Fair point.
But here's my suggestion, son.
You tell your Dad what you said to Walter Oliver.
All right, my lover? Lads - You got fucked up, man! - Big, big time.
Sid? Tony? I need to pee.
My hands don't work.
Well, I always sorted you out when you were a baby.
I got to register for college, sign my name on a form.
But my head's forgotten bits of me.
All sorts of bits Give it time, love.
Just I can aim.
Right All right? Oh, bloody hell, Tone! You always did make me laugh.
You're making me miss.
You and every other bloke in this sodding house.
Whatever happened to that nice lass you had? My God! OK, watch this! Watch this you bunch of pussy-fuckers, OK? - One, two, three.
- Go! Oh, my God! - We on the right floor? - Dunno, do I? All right angry boots.
I want to get ready for the party.
Well, that'll take all of about 30 seconds.
I get ready.
I dress up.
Nah that's what we love about you, Jal Unstudied.
Fucking hell I dress up! Is this the door? You don't see that every day.
It's open! That'll be Sid.
He's gonna take me home.
Oh Chris Jalander.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
Came just at the right time.
Right Where's Sid? Ah! Hi, guys.
Hi, Tony, Chris.
Hello, funny name.
Where'd you lot spring from? Just finished seeing to Tony.
Yeah.
She was seeing to him Great.
How are you, lad? Better, thanks.
She's got warm hands.
Oh, they're lovely and warm.
Always say that.
So you're all dancing the night away tonight, huh? Yeah bit of a party! - It's not really a party.
- Yeah, that's right.
What party? Look, sorry, Tone.
But your mum says we gotta take you home.
Maybe your folks think it's a bit too soon to be going out.
Fuck my folks.
Where's Sid? He couldn't make it, mate.
His dad made him stay in and Mow the grass.
Yeah, that's it.
He's mowing the grass.
He couldn't make it, Tony.
All right? Sid couldn't make it Hey! Hi, Sid! When are you coming to see me? Everyone's so lovely in Elgin.
Here's my new friends, Rory and Lachlan.
- All right, wee man? - Hello there, Sidney.
Rory's going to let me blow his chanter later.
It's easy.
Ye just need to learn tae finger it.
And I've already been beating Lachlan's bodhran.
Magic! Aye! - What?! - I'm not very good.
Aye, ye are! Anyway, there's a present in there, Sid.
And watch what I can do.
Mighty fucking Scotland.
Hoots! Don't you care what I want?! Don't I get to decide? Yeah.
You're gonna decide to be a builder who dances in his spare time.
I don't want to be a fucking builder! - What's wrong with it? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I just I can do this, Dad! You don't think I can do it, do you? No, lad.
Fucking hell! Thanks, Dad.
It's not my fault, is it!? What? That you're stuck in a fucking white van all your life.
Don't you speak to me like that! I'll clout you round the fucking earhole.
Like you clout the fucking dog?! Don't bring the fucking dog into it.
I'll have no fucking swearing in this house.
Mum fucking swears at you all the time.
Don't wait.
We said we'd take you home.
Don't wanna go home.
# Groove upon the party # Yo, when I'm cruising in my Lamborghini # The chicks see me, they go, # "Mmm, wow, he's so sexy" # And I might get my shot for the end of the night # Cos pussy is pussy and baby, you're pussy for life # I wanna fuck you, fuck you # You already know # I wanna fuck you, fuck you # Argh! Ow! Oh Fuckin' hell Sorry.
I gotta remember to stand pimp in these.
What's happening, "blood"? I'm in for some serious slippy-slidey todger action at this party, man! It's not really a party.
Are you pissing me? It's the biggest night of the year.
Everybody's going! Yeah, except Tony.
Shame, man.
It's gonna be Tony can't go.
Remember? Fuckers Come on, mate.
I told you to keep quiet about the sodding rave.
And why are you dressed as a crack dealer? You think it's too much? If I'd just met you, I'd rather slit my wrists than give you one.
That's because you don't give anyone one.
Watch out or they'll take your tits into care.
Because they don't get out enough.
You geddit? Your tits Hello, Mr Stonem.
Wondered where you were.
Thanks for bringing him back.
That's all right.
No problem.
Maybe we'll pop round tomorrow.
Let's go get fucked.
Are you not going to have anything, Tony? No.
OK.
So, um, what did you get up to today? He shouldn't be going out! He's wandering around, God knows where We don't even know who he's with! He could have a bleed or a fit or Yeah, Jim.
He's here.
Oh, fuck it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
All right, all right.
Just for Christ's sake, eat something! Look, Mum's made it easy.
It's all lovely and bite-sized.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Come on, let's talk about something else.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you want to talk about? Dirty jokes.
What? Maxxie's mum says your jokes are filthy.
You saw Jackie Oliver today? Jackie probably was thinking about someone else.
Right, Anthea? Yeah, yeah Anyway This mate of mine's been going to the doctor.
Who's that? Er, don't think you know him.
Um, anyway he had to have some tests, had palpitations or something So, he eventually goes back to the doctor to get the results and, er, the doctor says, "Sit down.
I'm afraid there's good news and there's bad news.
"The bad news is you've only got a month to live.
" My mate's like, devastated, he's gutted.
But he pulls himself together and he says, "What's the good news?" And the doctor says, "See my new receptionist? "Blonde.
Great arse.
Huge tits.
"Well, I'm fucking her.
" That's crap.
Yeah My name's Anthea Stonem.
Thank you and good night.
They'll take her tits into care They're gonna They don't get out enough! I got it! I got it! Look, I've told you before, he's not leaving college.
That's it! You don't need to be such a monster man about it! Who's being a monster man? You is.
What's eating you, you big old bully!? Nothing! Nothing.
Just leave it alone.
He's not leaving, that's final.
All right, Walter.
Bandy How you doin'? Only passable, Walter.
It seems like my Dale has overstepped his mouth.
Little misunderstanding, that's it.
What have you gotta say, dildohead? Sorry, Mr Oliver.
And? Sorry, Max.
He's baked a cake of remorse.
Very nice.
So we're all right then, Walter? Water under the bridge, Bandy.
How's the wife? Oh, not bad.
They gave her early release.
Still gotta wear the electronic tag, of course.
Bummer.
And they've banned her for life from operating a concrete mixer or a cattle prod.
It's probably for the best.
Oh, Tony! For fuck's sake.
Come on! Fucking hell.
Get off! Oh, fuck.
Tony? Are you all right? No.
Nobody wants me to come out any more.
Oh, fuck it.
Come anyway.
My dad won't let me go back to college.
And mine won't let me leave.
We're both bummed, bruv.
Why doesn't Sid come any more? Can't remember when he was here.
He misses you, Tony.
I miss me.
Come out.
I'll get you dancing.
Yeah? You gonna gay me? Hey Tony's here.
Who's that? Hello, everybody.
I'd like to sing a little ditty that I hope you'll rather enjoy.
Alastair, would you mind pressing play, please? Thanks awfully.
Gimme a riddim blood.
Mi gonna tear it up with a back ender.
I wanna hear it big, blud.
I wanna hear it hit out, blud! I wanna hear it massive! Cos we're takin' it uptown! Hey! Maxxie! Monkey Man! Fuck me You're just a kid.
- You're mental.
- Thanks.
Ready? Hey, Jal! Where's your moves? Fuck me senseless.
Whoa! Yeah.
He's hot, man.
Ah, you gay boy! Here I come, Cas.
I'm coming! It's OK, Tony.
Come on.
No way.
Look who's coming.
It's Tony Stonem.
Oh, my God! Tony, hi! You look so OK.
Not like Well, they said you were like a total mong, and I would have been so pissed if you were a vegetable and had to be switched off, yah? - Do I know you? - Tony! You do You know me really rather well.
Remember? You were a very naughty boy.
But I forgive you Is it all still working, yah? Sorry.
Can't place you.
You remember, Tony.
How you said I was like your total dream shag? Said that? Because Michelle had the funny tits, and was so boring, and you wanted to go out with me cos I had the longest tongue you ever He can't place you.
Come on, Tone.
Tongue? Oh, yeah.
Get off! Help! Wanna get out! Tony! Get the fuck out my way, will you! Tony! Tone? Stop fucking about, yeah? Wait Wait.
All right, Blowjob.
Faggot.
Cocksucker! - Wanker! - All right, gay boy? Fucking get him! Get him! Tossers.
Sent them the other way.
The fucking cake.
I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands.
Lemon Drizzle.
It's a piece of piss.
Dale.
You can't just treat me like shit and then just Just Ah fuck it! Jim? What's wrong? Sorry it's so late I've lost Tony.
He doesn't answer his phone.
I don't even know if he can.
I can't keep him in.
But He's not right.
Who is? Everything's mental.
This competition last week.
Fucking break-dancing chihuahua.
I mean, what's it come to? Right.
You never know what's gonna happen till you're sitting in a hospital.
And I'm thinking, I've really, really fucked up here, because I'm supposed to stop this happening.
And now I don't know where he is.
Something happens, suddenly you've lost them.
His friends'll look after him.
What you on? Cass sent me a tab.
She misses you, right? I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I go to see him.
I went to see him.
Well, I suppose you deserve some fun.
Those guys just like my tits.
Oh.
Sweet.
You're avoiding me.
You make me think about him.
You're not the only one, Chelle.
I was there every day trying to get him to say something.
And everybody really, really fucked up and I'm just trying to And nobody comes but me cos it's so terrible.
You should have fucking helped me.
All right! When it happened before the bus he was on the phone, he was on the phone I don't think he remembers.
- But he said - Chelle.
Fuck's sake, I'm trying to tell you this! Oh, Jesus! Tony? Hello.
Wait, I'll go back with you.
Effy's taking me.
I will remember everything.
Where are you going? Not now, Sid! Got lost.
Where do I fucking live? Walter will run him round in the morning.
Look, don't worry yourselves, OK.
She's a bit upset.
Yeah.
College starts today.
He's in there, love.
Talking, not shouting.
OK.
Lovely bit of cake, that.
Young Dale's got the magic touch.
He's got that all right.
You're good enough.
Yeah.
I am.
I'm bloody good.
Get it from your old man, probably.
Reckon? I'm artistic, yeah.
Not as artistic as you, mind.
Some things is just the way they are.
Yup.
I got lucky, didn't I? You didn't turn out like the fucking ASBO Army out there.
No, Dad.
I feel like taking some fucking credit for it.
OK? I'm never gonna be a builder, Dad.
You'll understand this one day, kid.
You're everything I've got to show for my life.
And I'm not ready for you to go, because I fucking love you too much.
I'm an idiot, I know.
I love you too, Dad.
So if you're not coming building, back to college.
Give me the last year.
And then it's game on.
All right? All right.
Taz.
On your bed.
At least the sodding dog does what he's told.
I can register if I write my name.
It's more than that, Tony.
It's not just signing your name.
Then fucking help me! Or are you gonna be a complete fucking arse-wit like everyone fucking else I know? Whoa! He speaks.
You gotta slow it down.
Stop trying to write.
It's just a shape your hand makes.
Close your eyes and just kinda dance it.
Tone.
Do I have to gay you now? Who are you? Shit! Hang on You're fucking crazy! transcripts.
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