Orange Is the New Black s02e07 Episode Script
Comic Sans
Yo, shouldn't we be putting filters in these? Filters? Where we at, the country club? Ooh, why don't we give 'em out with cigarette holders and fur coats like Cruella? And Holly Golightly.
She had a tiara.
Put filters in, you got to roll the cigarettes bigger to match.
Eats into our margins.
You talkin' 'bout chargin' a book of stamps per, you got pretty good margins already.
- That's like nine bucks a smoke.
- Oh, shit.
Looks like Watson is gettin' introduced to our good friends supply and demand.
Cheese it.
Fuzz.
Would you clean a sink with a piece of raw meat? No, you wouldn't, because of germs.
A filthy sponge is like a rectangle of smelly meat.
Studies show that bathroom sinks have more germs in it than a toilet.
- You gotta disinfect! - Disinfect.
You know what else has more germs than a toilet? Your mouth.
And also ATM keypads and the bottom of ladies' handbags.
I read that.
You know, we learn something new every day here in prison.
All right.
Listen up, ladies.
Now, if a customer's got regular stamps and forever stamps, you always take the forever stamps.
You hold on to those, and when the post office jacks up the prices, you've made money.
You mean you made money.
You taking like 90%, ain't you? Sendin' those stamps outside, your boys turn 'em into bank.
I'm the one assuming the risk.
Uh, what about my risk of sitting in seg till I start talkin' to my hand? You want 0%, walk away.
This is about more than just a business, ladies.
This is about making something of yourselves.
You give those women something they want, they will respect you for it.
Yeah.
I'm done.
That's very good.
Give 'em to Taystee.
But they're mine.
We had this talk, Suzanne.
Remember? We each have skills.
Salesmanship, not one of yours.
Gotta make people feel more comfortable.
Yo, Vee, where we supposed to keep all of these? 'Cause a sister is not tryin' to go to SHU.
You got some kind of invisibility cloak or somethin'? You could say that.
Am I asking too much here? Am I putting something on you people that you physically can't do, like dance the tango or something? No.
I'm asking for competence.
For starters, keeping the prisoners in prison.
Seems pretty simple to me.
Not having a fruitcake in khakis wander around in public, five officers hustling her out, putting her in a car like some kind of fucking clown show.
I'm talkin' to you, Bennett.
- You left me here alone.
- That is false.
Yeah, I was here.
Yeah, you were patrolling a copy of Bassmaster Magazine.
I'm just saying, respectfully, that maybe Valentine's wasn't the best day to take a bunch of people to see your gig at a bar.
It's not like people haven't gotten out before.
Take her to Max, stick a few years on her sentence.
The woman's 100 years old.
We're gonna give her more time? Bell, I want you all over that inmate like a fly on shit.
You follow her.
You find out how she's running.
How about we just ask her? I already did.
She told me she took the trolley from 27th Street.
I will deal with this officially when we get the hole plugged up.
You want me 'round the clock babysittin' Phyllis Diller? Let me know if that is a waste of your talents and education.
Second, shot quota.
We are gonna straighten things up around here.
I want each of you writing five shots a week minimum.
Keep these ladies on point.
- And for you, it's six.
- That's not fair.
I asked you to toughen up your game.
I don't see you gettin' there.
Gonna be such a bitch, Caputo.
The paperwork alone.
Tell it to your mom.
Maybe she'll write you a fuckin' note.
Get out.
Inmate.
You're late for count.
- I got 45 seconds still.
- Not enough time to get there.
What is this, The Minority Report? Sorry.
I'm gonna write you a shot.
What you White Cindy ain't gonna make it, either.
I ain't looking at White Cindy.
This is some racism right here! It's not.
But it's about to be if you don't shut up.
What the hell that even mean? Get down on the ground, inmate.
Fucking kidding me? What'd I just say? All right, let's move it, people.
And take your shoes off.
I don't even know why I even got to say it.
Oh! Excuse me.
I'm gonna need you to throw out that soda.
I'm still drinking it.
You still drinkin' it? That's what the terrorists say.
You a terrorist? Throw it out! Come on, people.
Let's move it.
Let's go.
You, come on.
- Oh, yeah! - Watch it, lady.
Move out the way! Airport emergency.
Got it! Oh, yeah! Ooh.
Jackpot, baby.
Ah.
Mmm.
Oh, girl.
I got, like, 11 of those.
That one's supposed to be waterproof.
Let me tell you, girl, you get some crunk juice on that shit, not good.
Hmm.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we got a problem here.
I'm clean.
Technically, yes.
But I can't let you on the plane with these guns.
Turn around.
I was surprised to get your note.
To be honest, Larry wasn't all that cooperative.
Well, Larry's in a weird place these days, which is mostly my fault.
But I can't get into that.
It's none of my business.
I'm just glad they let me in.
Sometimes, inefficiency works for you.
Here's the thing.
My grandmother is very sick, and I'm supposed to get furlough, but it doesn't seem to be happening.
I'm not sure where I come in.
Just one example of how the prison system isn't working.
Guard misconduct, overuse of solitary confinement.
People on the outside should know what it's like.
Piper, prison treats inmates unfairly.
If not getting a weekend off to visit the family is the worst thing I didn't even remotely say Inmates are starving.
They're getting raped.
And it's not like no one's covering this.
It's just that no one cares.
Listen, do I lie awake fantasizing about personally taking down an institution that is the single greatest stain on the American collective conscience since slavery with the awesome power of my words? Sure.
But in the daytime, I've accepted that's not gonna happen.
What I can do, maybe, is find $2 million that's gone off the books here at Litchfield.
What do you want me to do? If money's being appropriated, it has to be going somewhere.
I'm guessing that there's some kind of shell corporation it's being paid into.
There is something going on with the electrical grid.
Well, Figueroa's the official on the ground here, which means that she's either being duped or she's in on the profits.
And I need to know who she's making contracts with for labor, supplies, who she's writing checks to.
Okay, cool.
I'll just look that up in the handy inmate Internet they give us for when we get curious about stuff.
They appropriated $200,000 last year to renovate a gym that doesn't exist.
Look, I would love to help you.
I really would.
But short of breaking into Fig's office and going through her files, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.
I have been thrown in SHU twice already, and I love my grandmother, and she could die.
I'm not gonna fuck things up for myself by playing high-stakes Harriet the Spy.
Okay.
Let me know if you change your mind.
I'm sorry about your grandmother.
You sure you just want the usual? That's why it's called "the usual.
" I mean, you're running the kitchen now.
You got room for a statement.
What, should I dye my hair fuchsia? It's auburn.
But not for you.
I think a nice faux-hawk will give that "Don't fuck with me" vibe, you know? I mostly use my face for that.
Hey, Aqua Net, Red said to tell you she's got violets growing.
And I should give a shit about this why? She said you'd wanna know.
She can grow whatever she wants.
I don't give a Violets.
Oh.
You're right.
I'll come check that out.
Every day in this place, I get more confused.
Did you bring the stamps? Why don't you first tell me what I'm supposed to be so hair-on-fire excited about? Man, look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm actually well covered on the menstruation front.
Just take one.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Yeah, how the hell am I supposed to light this? What, I gotta rub two sticks together or something? Behold the Litchfield lighter.
Get the fuck out.
Man, it's like the third-best day of my entire life.
Man, blow into the drain! What happened was the critic changed his mind because the rat made stew, and it was delicious.
I understand that, but that doesn't mean the rat can open a restaurant.
The health code is still the health code.
It's like you're dead inside.
Um, I heard something about violets? Close the door.
It is a mystery to me how you people ever lost the Cold War.
But wait.
This covers this.
You ever been kissed by a I'm good, thanks.
But my commissary could use some love.
Whatever happened to goods for services? I'm running a little dry in the cash department.
You got a steady channel, I assume? Whatever you want.
Within reason.
I'll be back.
You cannot be serious.
Flores! Flores! Bunch of Latinas can't make decent rice and beans.
What's wrong with this picture? I grew up eating Chinese.
My stepdad from then was named Chen Dong.
He had so much dandruff.
It's that black pepper.
The shit that comes in boxes, it tastes like my abuela's ashes.
_ _ _ but you gotta put Cholula on it.
- Kind of busy right now.
- Sorry.
Should I Santa? Fuck Santa.
Bennett's better looking and he shows up even if you've been naughty.
What'd you get? Oh, these things just keep getting smaller.
That's actually mine.
You can borrow it for a few days, but I'm gonna need it back.
Ugh.
It's full of Fleet Foxes and shit.
- What about my phone? - Blanca, be real.
Look, this is the last time that I can do this.
_ but I want porn.
Oh, man.
Flores is a fucking genius! Okay, but good porn.
None of that weird Japanese bullshit.
And I want a magazine with just guys in it.
What? It's hot.
And plus, I don't wanna be exploiting women and shit.
It sucks out all the sexy.
I'm not buying gay porn.
Are you homophobic or something? Suficiente, everyone! We got hungry people out there.
ÃÂÃÂÃÂáVamos! I may starve to death.
I'm a vegetarian, obviously.
You know, and I respect that, but under the present circumstances, I'm pretty sure that even even Paul McCartney would be all up in a tuna casserole.
Look.
That salad bar, it's just frozen peas and iceberg lettuce.
I need nuts.
I need legumes.
- Hey, Chapman? - Mmm-hmm? You think that me and Gonzales could help you out with that newsletter thing? - Yeah, sure.
That would be great.
- Okay.
This might be weird, but do you know anything about the kitchen vendors? Like which company delivers the groceries? Some guys in a truck.
- Soso? - No.
Pigs are smarter than dogs.
Do you eat eggs? Depends on how they were raised.
So, no.
Okay, make fun of me if you want, but the agro-business complex in this country is completely insane.
Bitch, look around you.
We in the prison-business complex.
A cow breaks me out of here, I'll stop eating meat that day.
Is it true? That the Catholic priests in Africa are allowed to get married because chastity's just too hard for them? I think it's hard for anyone.
Yeah, but African men? That's a whole other story.
I'll take your word for it.
Excuse me.
- Sister, the cornbread.
- Oh.
It's that darn blood-sugar thing.
You remember.
I'm gonna have to write you a shot.
You'd give a shot to a nun? Don't hate me.
I've never gotten a shot before.
It's the end of days.
I'm telling you.
Okay.
- Can I help with this? - Oh.
Thank you, Roberta.
You're welcome.
I saw my husband last night.
Well, that sounds lovely.
He plays the bass now.
Don't forget to shine those shoes.
Now, I said I'd clean your bunk.
The shoes are not included.
I ain't saying I'm no scientist or nothing, but the shoes in the bunk, correct? Look, I'm gonna get a shot for even being in here.
If I have to go in front of the disciplinary board one more time You know, karma-wise, your people had this coming.
Okay, yo.
Here's what I got.
Oh, hold up.
I specifically said strawberry.
Well, we're out of strawberry right now.
That's the best I could do, all right? All I know is I'm holding some premium shit here.
Bitch, I don't even smoke, okay? I need it to bribe Aleida to let me borrow her stinger so I can wax my mustache.
Guess you caught me in a soft mood.
Happy birthday, baby.
- Say "thank you" to your sister.
- Thank you! It's been a while since we saw you.
You know, things been real busy at work, but I wouldn't go missing Shorty's birthday, no way! Oh, shit! - Monica! - Sorry.
- Bring it here.
Unh.
Unh.
Mmm.
- Unh.
Mmm.
Then Unh.
- What? - What? A little much for a 9-year-old.
Yeah, if you mean a little much swagger, you got that right! I wish you were here for all my birthdays.
Last year, Mom got me clothes.
It's what you needed, baby.
Hey, how about we go for some ice cream, you and me? - Yes! - Dinner is in a few hours.
It's a special occasion.
- What flavor you want? - Bubble gum! How 'bout we all go together? What you so nervous about? What you think, I met you yesterday? Look, I'm gonna look out for her.
I promise.
She promised, Mom.
Go ahead.
But leave that iPad here.
I don't want you losin' it or gettin' it stolen.
Let's blow this joint! - Cindy.
- I know.
Hey, Chapman, I was just wondering if maybe you got any room on your newsletter committee, that maybe I could join up? Let me see.
So far, it's me and two Spanish girls, one of whom scares me a little bit, so, yeah.
Yeah, I think I can squeeze you in.
Oh, that's really good.
Is there anything in particular that you wanna write about? Uh, I didn't really get that far.
I just thought it'd be good to keep busy, you know? Well, what about romance? Like a serial type of thing? Dickens meets Danielle Steel.
I'm trying to stay away from the romance-type stuff, - just for a little while.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
No, it's fine.
It's just, maybe something else.
It's fucked up, isn't it? How we're stuck in here and the world outside just keeps turning? Yeah.
What about a beauty column? You always look so nice.
Well, you know, just 'cause you're in prison don't mean you got to let it go.
I bet that you have some great tips.
Okay.
Okay.
I can do it.
I can do that.
Thank you, Chapman.
- Hey, you got a fag? - A what? A fag.
You know, a drag.
A butt.
A burn.
Look, you talking about cigarettes, you're at the wrong house.
Come on, I'm not the one who started a Negro-League Tobacco Shack, all right? That would be your pal Vee.
I merely seek to avail myself of a fine product.
She ain't my pal.
She's pals with your pals.
Right, or she's using them to do her dirt while she counts the cash.
You ain't gonna find her hands on no contraband.
You watch, somebody goes down for carrying, she'll be shuffling and smiling in front of the COs like, "Oh, Lord, what have these girls got up to?" Fuck.
Hey, you know that thing that happens to lesbians in high school? How we strike up a really intense best-friendship with a straight girl who's really into it.
And we convince ourselves that friends is good, right? Until she gets a boyfriend.
We hate that poor asshole with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns, a "He's not worthy of you," or whatever, when he's probably a decent-enough person, I mean, as guys go.
Because what's really happening is that we're in love with our friend.
Yo, why does everybody think I'm in love with her? 'Cause I'm not.
Sure.
Sure.
Let's go with that.
But in the event that you were having the feels for her? Yeah, it turns out that by hating her boyfriend, you're just gonna drive her away.
I mean, you gotta suck it up and make him like you.
Take up poker.
Watch The Godfather 10 times or whatever.
All clear, everybody.
We found it.
Anyway, it's your life.
I mean, spend it how you want, all right? Ay, where's your sack, Santa? Couldn't do it.
Okay, I'm not doing this anymore.
I think you forgot how blackmail works, papi.
I think you forgot how prison works.
This shit has gone too far, okay? You know who else went too far? You with Dayanara.
Fine.
How about this? You're all getting shots.
Yo, I didn't do nothing, asshole.
Well, that sucks for you.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me, right? - I promise you I'm not kidding.
Hey, Bennett, what's gonna happen when Caputo finds out you raped an inmate? - He's not gonna find out.
- You sure about that? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
'Cause you're going to the SHU, Ramos.
- For what? - I'll figure it out later.
- You ain't gonna do that to me.
- You think I'm not? Let's go.
Move it! Shit! You wanna join her? Bye.
_ I heard you wanted to see me? Uh, Chapman.
Right.
Come in.
Mr.
Caputo, have you, um, heard anything about my furlough request? It's not my department.
Sorry.
But I've been thinking about this newsletter.
Awesome.
I've been thinking it could be a good way for us, the administration, to communicate with the inmates.
Explain our side of things.
Your side of what? For instance, this shot-quota thing we got going.
You ladies think we're being mean.
But we're just doing our job, you know? Things get out of hand, it's bad for everybody.
That's kind of what fascists say.
I may be related to Mussolini on my mother's side.
It's a joke.
Maybe you could put something in the newsletter about the guards.
Show everybody we're human.
"Guards, they're just like us.
" I wouldn't go that far.
How about, "Guards "they're people, too"? So, uh tell me what do you like to do in your spare time? Hi.
Ow! - What is the matter with you? - So much.
You show up at my house like fucking Squiggy with a hard-on.
Maybe next time you decide to make some deranged declaration of love to an emotional zombie with a blocked milk duct and a husband who recently purchased an Aleutian hunting spear, you could consider calling first? Okay, look, Polly, I'm spiraling out, okay? I am.
You know, you have this idea of what your life is supposed to No, I can't do this, Larry! Okay.
I'm serious.
It's just stupid.
I know.
I mean, yes, we were friends before we even started dating Pete and Piper.
And yes, you drove me to the hospital when I was in labor and handled all the paperwork and the nurses.
And yes, you were the only one there for me when my husband checked out of fatherhood so he could go on a month-long mission of self-exploration, and you're funny, but also boring in all the right ways, and What the hell am I saying? Just fuck me.
- I don't know what this means.
- Shut up.
Okay, listen, listen.
I haven't had sex in months, so there's a better-than-average chance that I could Just shut the fuck up, Larry.
Did you say something about a blocked milk duct? Just stay to the right.
It's like sending a letter.
There's a box, you type in a question, and the answer comes up.
Who's on the other end looking it up? Nobody.
It's in the wires.
It's all the information in the world.
You're telling me all the information in the world is in wires? But people are still stupid, right? Hey, Red.
I could really use some matches.
Matches.
- Yeah.
- Good.
I was just thinking our chances of dying in some nut-job arsonist's fire bomb weren't high enough already.
I wouldn't let anyone else touch 'em.
Come on.
I'm just trying to get my smoke on.
And what exactly are you smoking? The black girls got cigs.
You need muscle, Taslitz killed a guy with an ax.
That was before the arthritis.
Boo, much as I'd like to help you spend the rest of your life in solitary, I'm busy.
Come back later and I'll see about getting you some cookies or something.
Oh, man.
That's a shot, inmate.
For what? Damaging government property.
That is horse shit, and you know it.
You want one for obscenity, too? So, I'm thinking that Lorna can be assistant editor, help us come up with ideas of things to write about and people to write them.
So you got two white girls in charge? Ah, shit.
I just think it should be based on who earned it, is all.
I did yearbook in high school, so Yearbook isn't even a real class.
You just take photographs and smoke weed.
Everybody knows that.
Anyway, I already wrote a column.
- Let me see.
- Hey.
Look, I drew this.
It's about being in jail with, like, animals at the zoo.
Why is the walrus in such a bad mood? Oh.
That's, um, Mr.
Healy.
This is fantastic.
- You already made your first mistake.
- Says who? If you "could care less," that means you still care.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause, like, it is possible for you to care less.
No.
No.
I'm saying is however much you care, I could care less than you.
That's not what it means.
It should be, "I couldn't care less.
" See? Because you hit bottom with caring.
Yo, Chapman, tell her.
I mean, technically, yes.
But I think this is one of those things like "literally," where the colloquial usage of the word eventually wins out.
Languages evolve.
Why you gotta be like that? Look, the point is everybody knows what I'm trying to say.
Why you gotta be a dick about it? It's called grammar, tonta.
I'm so glad I found you, Roberta.
- Are you okay? - No.
I'm being followed.
It's the damn Irish.
I can't go back to the pen.
No touching, Cavanaugh.
Oh, that is so sad.
What are you gonna write about? I was thinking, like, an advice column.
People write about their problems, and then I tell them to get their shit together.
Mmm.
Got a bunch of the baseball ones.
My favorite.
You know I got you covered.
- Cindy.
- Yo.
Got something for me? Oh.
So, here's the thing.
No.
Maybe you'd care to explain.
Not everyone had stamps.
They didn't know you was gonna be looking for 'em.
Doesn't mean they shouldn't get a smoke.
Well, actually, that's exactly what it means.
- It's called commerce.
- Oh.
I let 'em trade for it old school, like the red man.
Bitch, trust me, you do not wanna short Vee.
She will go Wolverine on your ass.
All right, listen.
I'll sell the next ones for a couple bucks extra, make up the difference.
If you can't be trusted with the package, you can't be selling.
From now on, you're on maintenance.
What that supposed to mean? You do what Suzanne's been doing.
You roll smokes for everyone to sell, package them, sweep up behind.
I ain't doing no grunt work.
When you've paid off your debt, you'll get another chance at sales.
Fuck that.
Take her place.
If you wanted to.
Uh Yeah, I'll think about it.
I ain't scared of you.
Say it, Moni! Say it, Mo Hey! Hey! - Hey, so, how you doin' in school? - Okay.
- You like them other kids? - They're okay.
Some of them make fun of me.
Say I'm a nerd.
And I don't got a cell phone.
Say I must've got named after that tense girl on Friends.
Man, that's some bullshit.
You was named after Monica from Love & Basketball, played by Miss Sanaa Lathan, who, by the way, is so un-uptight she hooked it up with Denzel.
And he married! Ma says that's a rumor.
It ain't no rumor.
And Ma is boring anyway.
Shit.
Yo! Is that my boy Martin? I thought his ass in jail.
He got out last month.
Watch this.
No way.
I'll hit you back.
What you doing here, dawg? I thought your ass was in jail.
Oh, please.
I'm too slick for that shit.
Hi.
I got a government job out at Pittsburgh.
This is crazy.
Hey, you gotta come upstairs and say hey to Fozzie.
Shit.
Fozzie around, too? He's gonna wet himself when he sees you.
Look, I'm gonna go upstairs for, like, 10 minutes.
You stay right here, all right? Hey, hey.
Oh, hold up.
Twenty minutes, tops.
I promise.
Love you.
Yo! Son, give me some.
No, bring that shit in.
Come on, man! Hey, so what'd you end up doing with all them light bulbs? You slay me, dee, dee, dee Hey, Wanda.
I, um I wanted to say I'm sorry.
It's a little late for that.
I screwed up.
Things were just moving so fast that I'm of an age, Scott.
You gotta shit or get off the pot.
Give me another chance.
I'll move in.
I'll bring the Vitamix and everything.
I miss you.
Come here, panda.
I missed you, too.
I've learned some things about the female anatomy I think you might enjoy.
What the fuck did you do to my girl Maritza? They were blackmailing me.
She wasn't gonna say nothing.
You think she's trying to get my baby daddy locked up so he can't provide? That's not a risk I can take.
That is my sister in here.
I don't even like the bitch.
But she's family.
What am I supposed to do? Tell me.
Am I supposed to let every Spanish girl around here start pushing me around? - Oh, good God.
- I'm a CO.
What do you think happens when they see me giving an inmate airplane bottles of JÃÂÃÂÃÂäger? Maybe you should've thought of it when you didn't wanna wear a condom.
Huh? "I'm gonna pull out, baby.
It takes so long to come with a rubber.
" That's not fair, and you know it.
Fuck you.
I just used obscenity.
You gonna write me a shot? - Daya, I'm - Assaulting an officer.
Write me a shot.
What, pussy? Come on.
Huh? I'm not writing you a shot.
But you could if you wanted to, right? Because you have a choice.
You have the power.
I'm an inmate.
I have nothing.
Jesus, I hate the elderly.
Ladies and gentlemen, your next state senator.
You wanna talk infrastructure or flood levels or whatever, too bad.
It's the same goddamn question every time.
No, Andy Rooney, I am not gonna touch your fucking Medicare.
Say what you got to say.
The geezers vote.
Oh.
Do you think my hair looks too shiny? Hey, so, City Post is reporting Rowley's PAC just got a major donation from, what's-his-face, the golf-course guy.
They put it at a million and a half.
Oh, fuck.
I bet Rowley danced like a little monkey-whore for it, too, that dick stain.
That's it, then.
We're fucked.
You can take off, Gavin.
Cool.
Great speech today, sir.
It was very powerful.
Listen, we're not giving up.
We'll figure this out.
We've got options.
I am stressed, babe.
I have this reporter buzzing around Litchfield like a Bob fucking Woodward.
He's not gonna find anything.
I promise.
It's like, "Sure, buddy.
"Let's worry about funding luxury bathrooms for these ladies, "dual-action shower heads, the works.
"Don't bother fixing the sentencing laws, "guaranteeing a fair trial for everyone and a competent lawyer.
"No, no.
Let's give 'em loofahs.
" Yeah, I know.
I know.
People can be so small.
We're gonna win.
I promise.
And then we can get to work fixing what's really important.
We're the good guys.
We'll find the money.
We'll get a house in Albany.
Maybe finally have a kid.
If you wanna have a kid, you might actually have to have sex with me.
You know, I'm I'm exhausted all the time.
This is so draining.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I just I just wanna feel like you want me.
I more than want you, babe.
I need you.
G'day, mate! I'm just kidding.
Who even says that? I had to get out of the house for a bit.
Polly has been a pill today.
I watched the baby all afternoon.
I told her to go spin or whatever it is that she does.
And then when she gets back, she's in an even weirder mood than before.
Bitches.
Am I right? So what's up with you, mate? I'm afraid to get in.
The water is so cold.
You always talk me into things.
All right.
The hell with it.
Here I come! Get out the tree! I don't mess with trees, generally.
Why are you sneaking around all stealth and shit? You ain't the damn Pink Panther.
You're funny, aren't you? Always joking, always clownin'.
We can't laugh in here, what else we got? That's a fair point.
Problem is when jokes are all you've got.
You're like the grasshopper in the story.
Living for today, having a fine time.
No responsibilities, no plans, no ambition.
Carpe diem, right? Somebody even smarter than you said that.
Yeah, well, that probably worked back then when folks were expected to check out before 40.
Thing is, if you're not building a future, that's because you don't believe there is a future.
You've given up on yourself.
You're a loser.
Hmm.
Are you out of your mind? I'm up waiting till midnight for you, no idea where you are.
Everything's cool.
We got held up, is all.
The girl is nine years old.
Her clothes reek of pot smoke.
Oh! She ain't smoke none.
I ain't no psycho.
This is my fault for letting you take her.
You just jealous 'cause she like me more than you.
Admit it.
Don't you flatter yourself.
She would like anyone who showed up here every once in a blue moon and gave her presents they didn't even come by honest.
I can do whatever I want with my own damn daughter! You lost all right to call her your daughter when you left her here with me! You think I lost my right? How about this? Why don't we tell her the truth and see who she choose? Don't you dare do that to her.
She old enough now.
You ain't tellin' her nothin' and then walk out and leave her.
You wanna tell her? Fine.
You go on and tell her.
But then you got to take her.
Well, maybe I will.
And what kind of care are you gonna provide for that child? You gonna pick her up every day from school, take her to her piano class? You gonna braid her hair, sit up at nights when she's sick, clean up her vomit down on your hands and knees? What, you don't think I can do that shit? You take her, then.
If you think you can do a better job of raising her than me, be my guest.
Take her.
Go! _ _ _ You have a plant.
Yeah.
For the greenhouse.
It's rosemary from my bush at home.
Grows into a whole new plant.
Anyway, sorry I had to crack the whip yesterday.
No, it's It was This job may look easy, but it isn't.
I got ambition, you know? I could be warden one day.
This whole shot-quota thing, who knows if it works? The people upstairs, they like plans.
They like initiative.
You got to show 'em you're operating.
I understand.
Some people, they got no ambition at all.
They just wanna skate by, drink beer, do as little as possible.
Luschek, for instance.
Luschek's nice.
Sure.
If you like that kind of thing.
I like talking to him.
It's nice chatting with someone who gets what you do all day, you know? Like, work stuff.
Okay.
I'm gonna bring this outside.
See you tomorrow.
_ _ _ Yo, yo, really? Look, Bennett ain't gonna file the paperwork for Maritza.
He was just trying to teach her a lesson.
She'll be out tomorrow.
I didn't say anything about Maritza.
But you're acting like an uptight bitch.
Well, just because you're doing a comic doesn't mean you have to use Comic Sans.
What Hater.
I never would've thought instant coffee could be used for eye shadow.
Oh, yeah, hon.
I mean, it tastes like ass, so it's actually better as a cosmetic.
Who would have thought that Caputo had a turtle? I mean, I had him pegged as a bird guy.
Madam Editor, how you doing? We're actually all assistant editors here.
Oh, you mean like a TV show with all those names rolling by up front? They can't all be that important.
I assure you that everyone here is vital to the operation.
Oh, okay.
Check this out, Mr.
Healy.
What's this? Comics.
Hey, good artwork.
Hey, Mr.
Healy, I was wondering if you've heard anything about my furlough.
Hey, bureaucracy, you know? I'll call around and check.
Hey, when did this happen? That's just to keep him off our backs, you know.
Ego.
Good thinking, Chapman.
All right, carry on.
That walrus is hilarious.
Give me my shit.
There's more where that came from.
I know.
Because I invented the yogurt thing.
Have some originality, Mendoza, huh? Okay, I didn't ask for any of this.
There's a waiting list, but I'll see what I can do.
What do you want? A nice mud mask? Or is it gum? Everyone suddenly seems to want gum for some reason.
They're making lighters with the wrappers.
I don't like this one bit.
Please.
She sells her thing, you sell yours.
It's no competition.
Ah.
So you're on her side? No, no, no, no.
I don't want no black-market shit.
I want cilantro.
You can grow that in the garden.
Deal.
- Some padrón peppers? - Don't push it.
But fine.
Fine then.
I'm late for somethin'.
Boom.
Boom, boom, boom! You keep taking out all the targets in front of you, but you've got to think ahead, Suzanne.
If you move there, what'll I do? It's called the long game.
Okay.
Okay, what? I'll take my medicine.
Give her the bag.
What's this? Used tampons.
Ugh! Not the tampons.
Just the tube-y parts.
From the trash can.
Now you just fuckin' with me.
Tampons cost $5 at the commissary.
Used applicators out of the trash, they're free.
Where do you think the first batch came from? Somebody had to do it.
This is disgusting.
Yes, it is.
Great.
I'm thirsty.
- Drink the water I gave you.
- I don't want water.
I want juice.
Well, you're gonna have to wait till we get through security.
But I'm thirsty now.
Do you have kids? Nope.
Thanks.
Let's go, baby.
I'm not going.
I'm not going.
I'm not going.
Roberta! Don't let them take me! Roberta! Roberta.
Not going.
Not going.
Please tell me that they're taking her to get help.
They're taking her to the bus station.
She thinks that Lyndon Johnson is President.
She needs full-time care in a dedicated facility.
Let go of me! They're not gonna pay for that.
What about her family? She has a daughter in Stockholm.
They don't speak.
So she's out on the street? It's called "compassionate release.
" Roberta! Roberta!
She had a tiara.
Put filters in, you got to roll the cigarettes bigger to match.
Eats into our margins.
You talkin' 'bout chargin' a book of stamps per, you got pretty good margins already.
- That's like nine bucks a smoke.
- Oh, shit.
Looks like Watson is gettin' introduced to our good friends supply and demand.
Cheese it.
Fuzz.
Would you clean a sink with a piece of raw meat? No, you wouldn't, because of germs.
A filthy sponge is like a rectangle of smelly meat.
Studies show that bathroom sinks have more germs in it than a toilet.
- You gotta disinfect! - Disinfect.
You know what else has more germs than a toilet? Your mouth.
And also ATM keypads and the bottom of ladies' handbags.
I read that.
You know, we learn something new every day here in prison.
All right.
Listen up, ladies.
Now, if a customer's got regular stamps and forever stamps, you always take the forever stamps.
You hold on to those, and when the post office jacks up the prices, you've made money.
You mean you made money.
You taking like 90%, ain't you? Sendin' those stamps outside, your boys turn 'em into bank.
I'm the one assuming the risk.
Uh, what about my risk of sitting in seg till I start talkin' to my hand? You want 0%, walk away.
This is about more than just a business, ladies.
This is about making something of yourselves.
You give those women something they want, they will respect you for it.
Yeah.
I'm done.
That's very good.
Give 'em to Taystee.
But they're mine.
We had this talk, Suzanne.
Remember? We each have skills.
Salesmanship, not one of yours.
Gotta make people feel more comfortable.
Yo, Vee, where we supposed to keep all of these? 'Cause a sister is not tryin' to go to SHU.
You got some kind of invisibility cloak or somethin'? You could say that.
Am I asking too much here? Am I putting something on you people that you physically can't do, like dance the tango or something? No.
I'm asking for competence.
For starters, keeping the prisoners in prison.
Seems pretty simple to me.
Not having a fruitcake in khakis wander around in public, five officers hustling her out, putting her in a car like some kind of fucking clown show.
I'm talkin' to you, Bennett.
- You left me here alone.
- That is false.
Yeah, I was here.
Yeah, you were patrolling a copy of Bassmaster Magazine.
I'm just saying, respectfully, that maybe Valentine's wasn't the best day to take a bunch of people to see your gig at a bar.
It's not like people haven't gotten out before.
Take her to Max, stick a few years on her sentence.
The woman's 100 years old.
We're gonna give her more time? Bell, I want you all over that inmate like a fly on shit.
You follow her.
You find out how she's running.
How about we just ask her? I already did.
She told me she took the trolley from 27th Street.
I will deal with this officially when we get the hole plugged up.
You want me 'round the clock babysittin' Phyllis Diller? Let me know if that is a waste of your talents and education.
Second, shot quota.
We are gonna straighten things up around here.
I want each of you writing five shots a week minimum.
Keep these ladies on point.
- And for you, it's six.
- That's not fair.
I asked you to toughen up your game.
I don't see you gettin' there.
Gonna be such a bitch, Caputo.
The paperwork alone.
Tell it to your mom.
Maybe she'll write you a fuckin' note.
Get out.
Inmate.
You're late for count.
- I got 45 seconds still.
- Not enough time to get there.
What is this, The Minority Report? Sorry.
I'm gonna write you a shot.
What you White Cindy ain't gonna make it, either.
I ain't looking at White Cindy.
This is some racism right here! It's not.
But it's about to be if you don't shut up.
What the hell that even mean? Get down on the ground, inmate.
Fucking kidding me? What'd I just say? All right, let's move it, people.
And take your shoes off.
I don't even know why I even got to say it.
Oh! Excuse me.
I'm gonna need you to throw out that soda.
I'm still drinking it.
You still drinkin' it? That's what the terrorists say.
You a terrorist? Throw it out! Come on, people.
Let's move it.
Let's go.
You, come on.
- Oh, yeah! - Watch it, lady.
Move out the way! Airport emergency.
Got it! Oh, yeah! Ooh.
Jackpot, baby.
Ah.
Mmm.
Oh, girl.
I got, like, 11 of those.
That one's supposed to be waterproof.
Let me tell you, girl, you get some crunk juice on that shit, not good.
Hmm.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we got a problem here.
I'm clean.
Technically, yes.
But I can't let you on the plane with these guns.
Turn around.
I was surprised to get your note.
To be honest, Larry wasn't all that cooperative.
Well, Larry's in a weird place these days, which is mostly my fault.
But I can't get into that.
It's none of my business.
I'm just glad they let me in.
Sometimes, inefficiency works for you.
Here's the thing.
My grandmother is very sick, and I'm supposed to get furlough, but it doesn't seem to be happening.
I'm not sure where I come in.
Just one example of how the prison system isn't working.
Guard misconduct, overuse of solitary confinement.
People on the outside should know what it's like.
Piper, prison treats inmates unfairly.
If not getting a weekend off to visit the family is the worst thing I didn't even remotely say Inmates are starving.
They're getting raped.
And it's not like no one's covering this.
It's just that no one cares.
Listen, do I lie awake fantasizing about personally taking down an institution that is the single greatest stain on the American collective conscience since slavery with the awesome power of my words? Sure.
But in the daytime, I've accepted that's not gonna happen.
What I can do, maybe, is find $2 million that's gone off the books here at Litchfield.
What do you want me to do? If money's being appropriated, it has to be going somewhere.
I'm guessing that there's some kind of shell corporation it's being paid into.
There is something going on with the electrical grid.
Well, Figueroa's the official on the ground here, which means that she's either being duped or she's in on the profits.
And I need to know who she's making contracts with for labor, supplies, who she's writing checks to.
Okay, cool.
I'll just look that up in the handy inmate Internet they give us for when we get curious about stuff.
They appropriated $200,000 last year to renovate a gym that doesn't exist.
Look, I would love to help you.
I really would.
But short of breaking into Fig's office and going through her files, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.
I have been thrown in SHU twice already, and I love my grandmother, and she could die.
I'm not gonna fuck things up for myself by playing high-stakes Harriet the Spy.
Okay.
Let me know if you change your mind.
I'm sorry about your grandmother.
You sure you just want the usual? That's why it's called "the usual.
" I mean, you're running the kitchen now.
You got room for a statement.
What, should I dye my hair fuchsia? It's auburn.
But not for you.
I think a nice faux-hawk will give that "Don't fuck with me" vibe, you know? I mostly use my face for that.
Hey, Aqua Net, Red said to tell you she's got violets growing.
And I should give a shit about this why? She said you'd wanna know.
She can grow whatever she wants.
I don't give a Violets.
Oh.
You're right.
I'll come check that out.
Every day in this place, I get more confused.
Did you bring the stamps? Why don't you first tell me what I'm supposed to be so hair-on-fire excited about? Man, look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm actually well covered on the menstruation front.
Just take one.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Yeah, how the hell am I supposed to light this? What, I gotta rub two sticks together or something? Behold the Litchfield lighter.
Get the fuck out.
Man, it's like the third-best day of my entire life.
Man, blow into the drain! What happened was the critic changed his mind because the rat made stew, and it was delicious.
I understand that, but that doesn't mean the rat can open a restaurant.
The health code is still the health code.
It's like you're dead inside.
Um, I heard something about violets? Close the door.
It is a mystery to me how you people ever lost the Cold War.
But wait.
This covers this.
You ever been kissed by a I'm good, thanks.
But my commissary could use some love.
Whatever happened to goods for services? I'm running a little dry in the cash department.
You got a steady channel, I assume? Whatever you want.
Within reason.
I'll be back.
You cannot be serious.
Flores! Flores! Bunch of Latinas can't make decent rice and beans.
What's wrong with this picture? I grew up eating Chinese.
My stepdad from then was named Chen Dong.
He had so much dandruff.
It's that black pepper.
The shit that comes in boxes, it tastes like my abuela's ashes.
_ _ _ but you gotta put Cholula on it.
- Kind of busy right now.
- Sorry.
Should I Santa? Fuck Santa.
Bennett's better looking and he shows up even if you've been naughty.
What'd you get? Oh, these things just keep getting smaller.
That's actually mine.
You can borrow it for a few days, but I'm gonna need it back.
Ugh.
It's full of Fleet Foxes and shit.
- What about my phone? - Blanca, be real.
Look, this is the last time that I can do this.
_ but I want porn.
Oh, man.
Flores is a fucking genius! Okay, but good porn.
None of that weird Japanese bullshit.
And I want a magazine with just guys in it.
What? It's hot.
And plus, I don't wanna be exploiting women and shit.
It sucks out all the sexy.
I'm not buying gay porn.
Are you homophobic or something? Suficiente, everyone! We got hungry people out there.
ÃÂÃÂÃÂáVamos! I may starve to death.
I'm a vegetarian, obviously.
You know, and I respect that, but under the present circumstances, I'm pretty sure that even even Paul McCartney would be all up in a tuna casserole.
Look.
That salad bar, it's just frozen peas and iceberg lettuce.
I need nuts.
I need legumes.
- Hey, Chapman? - Mmm-hmm? You think that me and Gonzales could help you out with that newsletter thing? - Yeah, sure.
That would be great.
- Okay.
This might be weird, but do you know anything about the kitchen vendors? Like which company delivers the groceries? Some guys in a truck.
- Soso? - No.
Pigs are smarter than dogs.
Do you eat eggs? Depends on how they were raised.
So, no.
Okay, make fun of me if you want, but the agro-business complex in this country is completely insane.
Bitch, look around you.
We in the prison-business complex.
A cow breaks me out of here, I'll stop eating meat that day.
Is it true? That the Catholic priests in Africa are allowed to get married because chastity's just too hard for them? I think it's hard for anyone.
Yeah, but African men? That's a whole other story.
I'll take your word for it.
Excuse me.
- Sister, the cornbread.
- Oh.
It's that darn blood-sugar thing.
You remember.
I'm gonna have to write you a shot.
You'd give a shot to a nun? Don't hate me.
I've never gotten a shot before.
It's the end of days.
I'm telling you.
Okay.
- Can I help with this? - Oh.
Thank you, Roberta.
You're welcome.
I saw my husband last night.
Well, that sounds lovely.
He plays the bass now.
Don't forget to shine those shoes.
Now, I said I'd clean your bunk.
The shoes are not included.
I ain't saying I'm no scientist or nothing, but the shoes in the bunk, correct? Look, I'm gonna get a shot for even being in here.
If I have to go in front of the disciplinary board one more time You know, karma-wise, your people had this coming.
Okay, yo.
Here's what I got.
Oh, hold up.
I specifically said strawberry.
Well, we're out of strawberry right now.
That's the best I could do, all right? All I know is I'm holding some premium shit here.
Bitch, I don't even smoke, okay? I need it to bribe Aleida to let me borrow her stinger so I can wax my mustache.
Guess you caught me in a soft mood.
Happy birthday, baby.
- Say "thank you" to your sister.
- Thank you! It's been a while since we saw you.
You know, things been real busy at work, but I wouldn't go missing Shorty's birthday, no way! Oh, shit! - Monica! - Sorry.
- Bring it here.
Unh.
Unh.
Mmm.
- Unh.
Mmm.
Then Unh.
- What? - What? A little much for a 9-year-old.
Yeah, if you mean a little much swagger, you got that right! I wish you were here for all my birthdays.
Last year, Mom got me clothes.
It's what you needed, baby.
Hey, how about we go for some ice cream, you and me? - Yes! - Dinner is in a few hours.
It's a special occasion.
- What flavor you want? - Bubble gum! How 'bout we all go together? What you so nervous about? What you think, I met you yesterday? Look, I'm gonna look out for her.
I promise.
She promised, Mom.
Go ahead.
But leave that iPad here.
I don't want you losin' it or gettin' it stolen.
Let's blow this joint! - Cindy.
- I know.
Hey, Chapman, I was just wondering if maybe you got any room on your newsletter committee, that maybe I could join up? Let me see.
So far, it's me and two Spanish girls, one of whom scares me a little bit, so, yeah.
Yeah, I think I can squeeze you in.
Oh, that's really good.
Is there anything in particular that you wanna write about? Uh, I didn't really get that far.
I just thought it'd be good to keep busy, you know? Well, what about romance? Like a serial type of thing? Dickens meets Danielle Steel.
I'm trying to stay away from the romance-type stuff, - just for a little while.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
No, it's fine.
It's just, maybe something else.
It's fucked up, isn't it? How we're stuck in here and the world outside just keeps turning? Yeah.
What about a beauty column? You always look so nice.
Well, you know, just 'cause you're in prison don't mean you got to let it go.
I bet that you have some great tips.
Okay.
Okay.
I can do it.
I can do that.
Thank you, Chapman.
- Hey, you got a fag? - A what? A fag.
You know, a drag.
A butt.
A burn.
Look, you talking about cigarettes, you're at the wrong house.
Come on, I'm not the one who started a Negro-League Tobacco Shack, all right? That would be your pal Vee.
I merely seek to avail myself of a fine product.
She ain't my pal.
She's pals with your pals.
Right, or she's using them to do her dirt while she counts the cash.
You ain't gonna find her hands on no contraband.
You watch, somebody goes down for carrying, she'll be shuffling and smiling in front of the COs like, "Oh, Lord, what have these girls got up to?" Fuck.
Hey, you know that thing that happens to lesbians in high school? How we strike up a really intense best-friendship with a straight girl who's really into it.
And we convince ourselves that friends is good, right? Until she gets a boyfriend.
We hate that poor asshole with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns, a "He's not worthy of you," or whatever, when he's probably a decent-enough person, I mean, as guys go.
Because what's really happening is that we're in love with our friend.
Yo, why does everybody think I'm in love with her? 'Cause I'm not.
Sure.
Sure.
Let's go with that.
But in the event that you were having the feels for her? Yeah, it turns out that by hating her boyfriend, you're just gonna drive her away.
I mean, you gotta suck it up and make him like you.
Take up poker.
Watch The Godfather 10 times or whatever.
All clear, everybody.
We found it.
Anyway, it's your life.
I mean, spend it how you want, all right? Ay, where's your sack, Santa? Couldn't do it.
Okay, I'm not doing this anymore.
I think you forgot how blackmail works, papi.
I think you forgot how prison works.
This shit has gone too far, okay? You know who else went too far? You with Dayanara.
Fine.
How about this? You're all getting shots.
Yo, I didn't do nothing, asshole.
Well, that sucks for you.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me, right? - I promise you I'm not kidding.
Hey, Bennett, what's gonna happen when Caputo finds out you raped an inmate? - He's not gonna find out.
- You sure about that? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
'Cause you're going to the SHU, Ramos.
- For what? - I'll figure it out later.
- You ain't gonna do that to me.
- You think I'm not? Let's go.
Move it! Shit! You wanna join her? Bye.
_ I heard you wanted to see me? Uh, Chapman.
Right.
Come in.
Mr.
Caputo, have you, um, heard anything about my furlough request? It's not my department.
Sorry.
But I've been thinking about this newsletter.
Awesome.
I've been thinking it could be a good way for us, the administration, to communicate with the inmates.
Explain our side of things.
Your side of what? For instance, this shot-quota thing we got going.
You ladies think we're being mean.
But we're just doing our job, you know? Things get out of hand, it's bad for everybody.
That's kind of what fascists say.
I may be related to Mussolini on my mother's side.
It's a joke.
Maybe you could put something in the newsletter about the guards.
Show everybody we're human.
"Guards, they're just like us.
" I wouldn't go that far.
How about, "Guards "they're people, too"? So, uh tell me what do you like to do in your spare time? Hi.
Ow! - What is the matter with you? - So much.
You show up at my house like fucking Squiggy with a hard-on.
Maybe next time you decide to make some deranged declaration of love to an emotional zombie with a blocked milk duct and a husband who recently purchased an Aleutian hunting spear, you could consider calling first? Okay, look, Polly, I'm spiraling out, okay? I am.
You know, you have this idea of what your life is supposed to No, I can't do this, Larry! Okay.
I'm serious.
It's just stupid.
I know.
I mean, yes, we were friends before we even started dating Pete and Piper.
And yes, you drove me to the hospital when I was in labor and handled all the paperwork and the nurses.
And yes, you were the only one there for me when my husband checked out of fatherhood so he could go on a month-long mission of self-exploration, and you're funny, but also boring in all the right ways, and What the hell am I saying? Just fuck me.
- I don't know what this means.
- Shut up.
Okay, listen, listen.
I haven't had sex in months, so there's a better-than-average chance that I could Just shut the fuck up, Larry.
Did you say something about a blocked milk duct? Just stay to the right.
It's like sending a letter.
There's a box, you type in a question, and the answer comes up.
Who's on the other end looking it up? Nobody.
It's in the wires.
It's all the information in the world.
You're telling me all the information in the world is in wires? But people are still stupid, right? Hey, Red.
I could really use some matches.
Matches.
- Yeah.
- Good.
I was just thinking our chances of dying in some nut-job arsonist's fire bomb weren't high enough already.
I wouldn't let anyone else touch 'em.
Come on.
I'm just trying to get my smoke on.
And what exactly are you smoking? The black girls got cigs.
You need muscle, Taslitz killed a guy with an ax.
That was before the arthritis.
Boo, much as I'd like to help you spend the rest of your life in solitary, I'm busy.
Come back later and I'll see about getting you some cookies or something.
Oh, man.
That's a shot, inmate.
For what? Damaging government property.
That is horse shit, and you know it.
You want one for obscenity, too? So, I'm thinking that Lorna can be assistant editor, help us come up with ideas of things to write about and people to write them.
So you got two white girls in charge? Ah, shit.
I just think it should be based on who earned it, is all.
I did yearbook in high school, so Yearbook isn't even a real class.
You just take photographs and smoke weed.
Everybody knows that.
Anyway, I already wrote a column.
- Let me see.
- Hey.
Look, I drew this.
It's about being in jail with, like, animals at the zoo.
Why is the walrus in such a bad mood? Oh.
That's, um, Mr.
Healy.
This is fantastic.
- You already made your first mistake.
- Says who? If you "could care less," that means you still care.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause, like, it is possible for you to care less.
No.
No.
I'm saying is however much you care, I could care less than you.
That's not what it means.
It should be, "I couldn't care less.
" See? Because you hit bottom with caring.
Yo, Chapman, tell her.
I mean, technically, yes.
But I think this is one of those things like "literally," where the colloquial usage of the word eventually wins out.
Languages evolve.
Why you gotta be like that? Look, the point is everybody knows what I'm trying to say.
Why you gotta be a dick about it? It's called grammar, tonta.
I'm so glad I found you, Roberta.
- Are you okay? - No.
I'm being followed.
It's the damn Irish.
I can't go back to the pen.
No touching, Cavanaugh.
Oh, that is so sad.
What are you gonna write about? I was thinking, like, an advice column.
People write about their problems, and then I tell them to get their shit together.
Mmm.
Got a bunch of the baseball ones.
My favorite.
You know I got you covered.
- Cindy.
- Yo.
Got something for me? Oh.
So, here's the thing.
No.
Maybe you'd care to explain.
Not everyone had stamps.
They didn't know you was gonna be looking for 'em.
Doesn't mean they shouldn't get a smoke.
Well, actually, that's exactly what it means.
- It's called commerce.
- Oh.
I let 'em trade for it old school, like the red man.
Bitch, trust me, you do not wanna short Vee.
She will go Wolverine on your ass.
All right, listen.
I'll sell the next ones for a couple bucks extra, make up the difference.
If you can't be trusted with the package, you can't be selling.
From now on, you're on maintenance.
What that supposed to mean? You do what Suzanne's been doing.
You roll smokes for everyone to sell, package them, sweep up behind.
I ain't doing no grunt work.
When you've paid off your debt, you'll get another chance at sales.
Fuck that.
Take her place.
If you wanted to.
Uh Yeah, I'll think about it.
I ain't scared of you.
Say it, Moni! Say it, Mo Hey! Hey! - Hey, so, how you doin' in school? - Okay.
- You like them other kids? - They're okay.
Some of them make fun of me.
Say I'm a nerd.
And I don't got a cell phone.
Say I must've got named after that tense girl on Friends.
Man, that's some bullshit.
You was named after Monica from Love & Basketball, played by Miss Sanaa Lathan, who, by the way, is so un-uptight she hooked it up with Denzel.
And he married! Ma says that's a rumor.
It ain't no rumor.
And Ma is boring anyway.
Shit.
Yo! Is that my boy Martin? I thought his ass in jail.
He got out last month.
Watch this.
No way.
I'll hit you back.
What you doing here, dawg? I thought your ass was in jail.
Oh, please.
I'm too slick for that shit.
Hi.
I got a government job out at Pittsburgh.
This is crazy.
Hey, you gotta come upstairs and say hey to Fozzie.
Shit.
Fozzie around, too? He's gonna wet himself when he sees you.
Look, I'm gonna go upstairs for, like, 10 minutes.
You stay right here, all right? Hey, hey.
Oh, hold up.
Twenty minutes, tops.
I promise.
Love you.
Yo! Son, give me some.
No, bring that shit in.
Come on, man! Hey, so what'd you end up doing with all them light bulbs? You slay me, dee, dee, dee Hey, Wanda.
I, um I wanted to say I'm sorry.
It's a little late for that.
I screwed up.
Things were just moving so fast that I'm of an age, Scott.
You gotta shit or get off the pot.
Give me another chance.
I'll move in.
I'll bring the Vitamix and everything.
I miss you.
Come here, panda.
I missed you, too.
I've learned some things about the female anatomy I think you might enjoy.
What the fuck did you do to my girl Maritza? They were blackmailing me.
She wasn't gonna say nothing.
You think she's trying to get my baby daddy locked up so he can't provide? That's not a risk I can take.
That is my sister in here.
I don't even like the bitch.
But she's family.
What am I supposed to do? Tell me.
Am I supposed to let every Spanish girl around here start pushing me around? - Oh, good God.
- I'm a CO.
What do you think happens when they see me giving an inmate airplane bottles of JÃÂÃÂÃÂäger? Maybe you should've thought of it when you didn't wanna wear a condom.
Huh? "I'm gonna pull out, baby.
It takes so long to come with a rubber.
" That's not fair, and you know it.
Fuck you.
I just used obscenity.
You gonna write me a shot? - Daya, I'm - Assaulting an officer.
Write me a shot.
What, pussy? Come on.
Huh? I'm not writing you a shot.
But you could if you wanted to, right? Because you have a choice.
You have the power.
I'm an inmate.
I have nothing.
Jesus, I hate the elderly.
Ladies and gentlemen, your next state senator.
You wanna talk infrastructure or flood levels or whatever, too bad.
It's the same goddamn question every time.
No, Andy Rooney, I am not gonna touch your fucking Medicare.
Say what you got to say.
The geezers vote.
Oh.
Do you think my hair looks too shiny? Hey, so, City Post is reporting Rowley's PAC just got a major donation from, what's-his-face, the golf-course guy.
They put it at a million and a half.
Oh, fuck.
I bet Rowley danced like a little monkey-whore for it, too, that dick stain.
That's it, then.
We're fucked.
You can take off, Gavin.
Cool.
Great speech today, sir.
It was very powerful.
Listen, we're not giving up.
We'll figure this out.
We've got options.
I am stressed, babe.
I have this reporter buzzing around Litchfield like a Bob fucking Woodward.
He's not gonna find anything.
I promise.
It's like, "Sure, buddy.
"Let's worry about funding luxury bathrooms for these ladies, "dual-action shower heads, the works.
"Don't bother fixing the sentencing laws, "guaranteeing a fair trial for everyone and a competent lawyer.
"No, no.
Let's give 'em loofahs.
" Yeah, I know.
I know.
People can be so small.
We're gonna win.
I promise.
And then we can get to work fixing what's really important.
We're the good guys.
We'll find the money.
We'll get a house in Albany.
Maybe finally have a kid.
If you wanna have a kid, you might actually have to have sex with me.
You know, I'm I'm exhausted all the time.
This is so draining.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I just I just wanna feel like you want me.
I more than want you, babe.
I need you.
G'day, mate! I'm just kidding.
Who even says that? I had to get out of the house for a bit.
Polly has been a pill today.
I watched the baby all afternoon.
I told her to go spin or whatever it is that she does.
And then when she gets back, she's in an even weirder mood than before.
Bitches.
Am I right? So what's up with you, mate? I'm afraid to get in.
The water is so cold.
You always talk me into things.
All right.
The hell with it.
Here I come! Get out the tree! I don't mess with trees, generally.
Why are you sneaking around all stealth and shit? You ain't the damn Pink Panther.
You're funny, aren't you? Always joking, always clownin'.
We can't laugh in here, what else we got? That's a fair point.
Problem is when jokes are all you've got.
You're like the grasshopper in the story.
Living for today, having a fine time.
No responsibilities, no plans, no ambition.
Carpe diem, right? Somebody even smarter than you said that.
Yeah, well, that probably worked back then when folks were expected to check out before 40.
Thing is, if you're not building a future, that's because you don't believe there is a future.
You've given up on yourself.
You're a loser.
Hmm.
Are you out of your mind? I'm up waiting till midnight for you, no idea where you are.
Everything's cool.
We got held up, is all.
The girl is nine years old.
Her clothes reek of pot smoke.
Oh! She ain't smoke none.
I ain't no psycho.
This is my fault for letting you take her.
You just jealous 'cause she like me more than you.
Admit it.
Don't you flatter yourself.
She would like anyone who showed up here every once in a blue moon and gave her presents they didn't even come by honest.
I can do whatever I want with my own damn daughter! You lost all right to call her your daughter when you left her here with me! You think I lost my right? How about this? Why don't we tell her the truth and see who she choose? Don't you dare do that to her.
She old enough now.
You ain't tellin' her nothin' and then walk out and leave her.
You wanna tell her? Fine.
You go on and tell her.
But then you got to take her.
Well, maybe I will.
And what kind of care are you gonna provide for that child? You gonna pick her up every day from school, take her to her piano class? You gonna braid her hair, sit up at nights when she's sick, clean up her vomit down on your hands and knees? What, you don't think I can do that shit? You take her, then.
If you think you can do a better job of raising her than me, be my guest.
Take her.
Go! _ _ _ You have a plant.
Yeah.
For the greenhouse.
It's rosemary from my bush at home.
Grows into a whole new plant.
Anyway, sorry I had to crack the whip yesterday.
No, it's It was This job may look easy, but it isn't.
I got ambition, you know? I could be warden one day.
This whole shot-quota thing, who knows if it works? The people upstairs, they like plans.
They like initiative.
You got to show 'em you're operating.
I understand.
Some people, they got no ambition at all.
They just wanna skate by, drink beer, do as little as possible.
Luschek, for instance.
Luschek's nice.
Sure.
If you like that kind of thing.
I like talking to him.
It's nice chatting with someone who gets what you do all day, you know? Like, work stuff.
Okay.
I'm gonna bring this outside.
See you tomorrow.
_ _ _ Yo, yo, really? Look, Bennett ain't gonna file the paperwork for Maritza.
He was just trying to teach her a lesson.
She'll be out tomorrow.
I didn't say anything about Maritza.
But you're acting like an uptight bitch.
Well, just because you're doing a comic doesn't mean you have to use Comic Sans.
What Hater.
I never would've thought instant coffee could be used for eye shadow.
Oh, yeah, hon.
I mean, it tastes like ass, so it's actually better as a cosmetic.
Who would have thought that Caputo had a turtle? I mean, I had him pegged as a bird guy.
Madam Editor, how you doing? We're actually all assistant editors here.
Oh, you mean like a TV show with all those names rolling by up front? They can't all be that important.
I assure you that everyone here is vital to the operation.
Oh, okay.
Check this out, Mr.
Healy.
What's this? Comics.
Hey, good artwork.
Hey, Mr.
Healy, I was wondering if you've heard anything about my furlough.
Hey, bureaucracy, you know? I'll call around and check.
Hey, when did this happen? That's just to keep him off our backs, you know.
Ego.
Good thinking, Chapman.
All right, carry on.
That walrus is hilarious.
Give me my shit.
There's more where that came from.
I know.
Because I invented the yogurt thing.
Have some originality, Mendoza, huh? Okay, I didn't ask for any of this.
There's a waiting list, but I'll see what I can do.
What do you want? A nice mud mask? Or is it gum? Everyone suddenly seems to want gum for some reason.
They're making lighters with the wrappers.
I don't like this one bit.
Please.
She sells her thing, you sell yours.
It's no competition.
Ah.
So you're on her side? No, no, no, no.
I don't want no black-market shit.
I want cilantro.
You can grow that in the garden.
Deal.
- Some padrón peppers? - Don't push it.
But fine.
Fine then.
I'm late for somethin'.
Boom.
Boom, boom, boom! You keep taking out all the targets in front of you, but you've got to think ahead, Suzanne.
If you move there, what'll I do? It's called the long game.
Okay.
Okay, what? I'll take my medicine.
Give her the bag.
What's this? Used tampons.
Ugh! Not the tampons.
Just the tube-y parts.
From the trash can.
Now you just fuckin' with me.
Tampons cost $5 at the commissary.
Used applicators out of the trash, they're free.
Where do you think the first batch came from? Somebody had to do it.
This is disgusting.
Yes, it is.
Great.
I'm thirsty.
- Drink the water I gave you.
- I don't want water.
I want juice.
Well, you're gonna have to wait till we get through security.
But I'm thirsty now.
Do you have kids? Nope.
Thanks.
Let's go, baby.
I'm not going.
I'm not going.
I'm not going.
Roberta! Don't let them take me! Roberta! Roberta.
Not going.
Not going.
Please tell me that they're taking her to get help.
They're taking her to the bus station.
She thinks that Lyndon Johnson is President.
She needs full-time care in a dedicated facility.
Let go of me! They're not gonna pay for that.
What about her family? She has a daughter in Stockholm.
They don't speak.
So she's out on the street? It's called "compassionate release.
" Roberta! Roberta!