Orange Is the New Black s03e01 Episode Script
Mother's Day
I'd butter your toast.
I'd feed her dog.
I'd zip his sweater.
Mmm.
See? It doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's "I'd blank your blank.
" It all sounds dirty, always.
I'd disembowel his cat.
That is not sexy.
No, she did not say that right.
I'd scratch that eczema.
Oh, she is killing your theory, here, Doggett.
Well, her exception proves the rules, 'cause you guys gotta know, my boyfriend, Arlen He was the master of it.
He'd bed you whispering, "I'd light your crack pipe"? I didn't smoke crack.
Crack's for coloreds.
- Oh, is it, now? - N African Americans.
Crack is for African Americans.
Maybe you should just drive.
I am drivin'.
I gotta say, these cup holders are nice.
The air works.
Seats don't smell like hot dog juice.
Maybe we should get all of our terminal inmates to drive our outdated crap into a quarry.
Gotta give it to the baldy, though.
She had some set of balls.
You know, a man went bald and he bawled.
But then he met a really nice lady who She liked a clean head, right? So he balled her real good.
So you got "bald," "bawled," and "balled," right? They all sound alike, but they're all spelled different.
Isn't that wild? My mom taught me that.
She taught me so many cool things.
Come on, hon.
Get it all down.
That's right.
Chug, chug, chug.
Hey! All of it! Finish that bottle.
See for yourself she ain't right in the head.
Never had all what belongs to her, poor thing.
But we take what the Lord gives us.
Anyhow, so's I understand it, supplemental security income benefits for little Bessie bugs like mine is $314 a month.
Is that right? How many kids are coming for Mother's Day? A lot.
Some of our ladies, they have three, four, seven.
I would have had five.
Or six if you count the one that fell out after the night in the caves.
Huh.
Would have been a miracle baby, like Tim Tebow.
Based on the state of your mouth when you came in, I'm gonna say your baby wasn't on the star athlete track.
Oh, yeah? Well neither was Tim Tebow.
You know, when his mama was pregnant, she had the sickness and the doctors told her not to have the baby, but she had it anyhow.
And she was on dysentery medicine and in Filipino town.
He wasn't such a great quarterback.
Oh.
Like you so great at football.
I may have kids one day.
One day? You got a time machine? The women in my family have very young ovaries.
My mother had me at 49.
Her mother had my Uncle Chess, at 52.
I got plenty of time.
We believe what we believe.
You guys, look at this look at this sale stuff.
We should just bring back all this Cinco de Mayo.
I mean, look.
"Fiesta like there's no mañana.
" Seriously.
You know most of the kids are gonna be Mexican, so make 'em feel at home.
Just get 'em one of these red chili piñatas, a bunch of these green candies from St.
Patrick's Day, and we got a party.
Doggett, enough.
The only reason why you're in here is 'cause we couldn't leave you in the van.
Let's go price the helium tanks.
You all right? I'm fine.
Are you havin' a panic attack? I'm breathing mindfully.
I'm supposed to do it to 108 and then do it again if I'm not feeling any better even though I never feel better.
Now I lost count.
Shit! Where did you learn this? Some magazine.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to find some fuckin' peace.
Holy shit, look who's back.
You missed me, right? Like a bulldog misses his balls.
You're in that bunk.
I can't sleep on the top bunk.
- Yeah, well, not the top.
- Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
That's Rosa's bed.
Back it up.
DeMarco, she's been assigned to that bunk.
Show some respect for the dead.
Red, I know you from the first night I spent in this room, but you take one more thing down, I'm gonna reopen your head wounds.
Wanna build a shrine to Rosa? Build it somewhere she had joy not on this miserable bed where she lay dying of cancer.
The woman went out like a champ.
Tough fuckin' broad.
You want any of this? Yeah, the playin' cards.
She was a good card player.
How you doing, Red? Strangest thing ever since the assault I speak with this Russian accent.
- You still having headaches? - Yeah.
Trying to wean myself off the pills.
I can't stand feeling foggy all the time.
You got any on ya? A few.
I've been cheeking them.
Here.
How much you want? Nothin'.
You don't give anything away for free.
I've turned over a new leaf.
Wait.
That's been in your mouth? Briefly, yes.
Ugh.
Shkeeve.
No offense.
I only share spit with my man and my babies.
I'll take it.
Mother's Day Fair expanded visitation it fosters the inmates' connection to the outside world.
These women forget they have lives on the outside, it affects how they behave in here.
Maybe they forget for good reason.
Well, that's your job to worry about now.
You're the expert.
Not really.
My degree's in cosmetology.
My whole résumé's a lie.
But you would be amazed what ladies will reveal while you're bleaching their arm hair.
I don't know you that well.
You're joking, right? 'Cause I just got everything square around here, and it's been an uphill climb.
So I heard.
Now, what'd you hear? That you got caught in a shit-storm, but you put up a sturdy umbrella.
Yeah, well, it's starting to leak.
Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's job, along with doing my old job, which the powers-that-be have yet to fill.
I'm doin' two jobs.
Do you resent that the administration hired me before finding a replacement for your old job? Are you analyzin' me? No.
I just don't want any shade without having been given a shot.
My beef's not with you.
What'd you hear about me? That you're smart and you're qualified and you said yes.
Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part? How's this? Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed in both the counseling and hair removal arenas.
These are complicated ladies in a complicated place.
Yo! Mr.
Caputo! That your girlfriend? I had a feeling you had a thing for the darker berries.
Jefferson, this is Counselor Rogers.
Counselor? What about Mr.
Healy? He's still here.
Huh.
This is gonna get interestin'.
Is it? How so? Jefferson, why don't you go help set up? Yes, sir, mas'er.
Mr.
Caputo, sir.
What do you want, Bennett? Sir, all the lights in C-Dorm went out, so I sent some of the girls in electrical down to take a look at it.
They're not girls, Bennett.
They're inmates.
Or women.
Or electricians.
What's your point? Um, well, the lights are back on now.
It's a great story.
Thank you for sharing.
- Berdie Rogers, new counselor.
- Hi.
Officer Bennett is there anything else you'd like to tell us? Nice to meet you.
What's goin' on there? Nothing.
It's nothing.
How about we go on a tour of the dorms in all their well-lit glory? Everybody says she's got magic.
Did she touch it, too? I wanna know that she touched it.
Mmm-hmm.
She touched it.
She blessed it.
Oh, shit.
What does that mean? Hasan put a curse on me, didn't he? That's a cursed egg.
I'll lose a foot.
Bobo will attack all the quail.
It's not a cursed egg.
My hand slipped, okay? Why don't you go get cleaned up, and then we'll start all over again? We're gonna do a whole thing, okay? Go.
I'm all eggy now.
It's gonna attract snakes.
I know.
That's not good.
Now what does the egg do? You makin' somebody else go away? I'm making an omelet.
I got no scraps for your hooch today, and I am still waiting on my jar from the last batch.
Okay, it's comin'.
A few more days.
It's gonna be good.
Listen, we were thinkin' of doin', like, a little game booth for the kids, where they throw Ping-Pong balls into little bowls of water.
Win a prize.
Can I borrow some bowls? Where you gonna get some Ping-Pong balls around here? Found a bunch in the warehouse.
They're old as fuck and mostly dented, but they'll work.
What are you gonna do for prizes? Buy some Tootsie Rolls from commissary dole them out.
That's nice of you.
Yeah, well, it's y'all's day.
Must be hard as fuck bein' in here when you got kids on the outside.
Your kids comin'? Yeah for the first time in a long time.
My tÃa, she moved back into the city.
Don't forget to call your mother tomorrow.
Oh, my mom's passed.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Mira, Blanca! - Eh? Why don't you get this one some of those fruit cocktail-sized bowls? I won a goldfish once _ _ We gave him, like, Froot Loops to eat.
Like 12 years that thing lived until my cousin, Antoni, ate him on a dare.
Fucking asshole.
I'm definitely a carbon monoxide guy.
Put on some tunes, breathe deep, go out easy.
- Maybe pills.
- Figures.
What do you mean, "figures"? Pills are expensive.
But you don't even think about that.
Well, I didn't realize that my hypothetical suicide had a budget.
Some of us have to think about these things.
I make 11 cents an hour.
When I get outta here, I will have no home I will have no job and not a whole lot of prospects.
All the more reason to start thinking economically.
Welcome to the real world, princess.
This is not a healthy discussion.
You know, when you go to a shooting range, you don't have to pay until you leave.
So you can check out a gun shoot yourself right there.
Wouldn't cost you a cent.
I would like to change the subject, please.
You know, the hot one's back.
What do you mean, "the hot one"? Your girlfriend.
The Bettie Page of Litchfield.
Alex is back? I gotta go find her.
- Oh, hey! You're on the clock here.
- Well, can I go early? Sure.
Why don't you grab a happy hour cocktail with her at TGI Fridays? - You wanna put in for vacation time, too? - Okay, okay, all right.
Finish your fucking job.
It's not like she's goin' anywhere.
And to be honest, she looked a little rough.
It sucks when hot chicks start to cool down.
Okay, okay, listen up.
If you don't have children comin' today, please come back another time.
And for all you mothers, it's a numbers day.
No special request.
I only wanna trim so I look the same as the last time I saw her.
It's called object permanence.
It's also called boring but you the boss.
And what are we doin' with you today? I'll take number seven, please.
You excited for Mother's Day? Oh, yeah, all my kids are comin'.
Little Donovan and baby Frankie, that's short for Francesca, and the twins.
You got four kids? Oh, sure.
Catholic.
You know how it goes.
You don't got no kids.
Yes, I do.
I have four kids and they're all coming to see me.
Bull shit.
- Show me your stomach.
- What? Mother of four, twins no less.
Let me see your belly.
Maybe I did a lot of sit-ups, and maybe they're adopted.
Get the fuck out of my chair.
No, I need this.
I lost my van.
I have been scrubbin' toilets.
Let me feel like a person.
You can feel like a person after I see my actual baby that came out of me and exists.
Well, maybe my mother's comin' to visit and I need to look nice for her.
_ I really haven't been feelin' so good lately, and dollin' up's the only way I got to feel better.
- Okay.
- What? - I'll work on her real fast.
- Come I got a soft spot for the pathetics.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Somebody comin' to visit you this weekend? My son, Michael.
Oh.
How does that work, with you being a lady-man and all? Do you and his mother both celebrate the day? You really wanna be callin' me a lady-man when I got a fistful of your hair in my hand? Oh, I just thought it sounded nice.
I don't know from these things.
That's why I'm askin' questions.
We're sharing the day.
He's spending Father's Day with her new boyfriend, the pastor.
Oh.
Well, that doesn't seem fair.
He's not his father.
Well, I'm not sure I am anymore, either.
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back No more, no more, no more, no more Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more What you say? Mmm-mmm.
We goin' about this the wrong way.
I should sing.
It'll drive him out of there screaming.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Do my feet again.
Mmm.
Like this, baby? Like this? Ah, yeah.
Ooh.
Yeah, you squeeze there while I pinch my nipples.
We have some more of that spicy chicken from Bongo's, have sex again.
I run around the block a couple times, do some jumpin' jacks.
Get out.
Do you hear me? It is time for you to vacate the premises.
It's your eviction notice.
Ooh.
Did you see that? That was a foot.
A whole person in there.
Mmm.
You scared.
A little.
Don't be.
You're gonna make a great daddy.
Ah.
Back on that foot.
Back on that There you go.
There.
You know, there's nothing wrong with that light.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you let me be the judge of that? Because you don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Okay, you know what? For your information, there's actually a loose fluorescent bulb in here.
You're lucky I caught this, or we might all be dead.
You know why she's in here all the time lately? 'Cause she's a dumbshit.
'Cause she got a crush on me.
What are you talking about? When she had that bet thing going on with the bully butch bitch, she tried to get me, but I didn't do it.
She wasn't offering anything good.
Well, I've seen you suck a cock for a bag of ranch Doritos.
Totally different.
That was a cock.
And I love ranch flavor.
The point is, she's really into me, which is why she keeps coming around here.
Well, you gotta stop leading her on.
I ain't done nothin'.
I can't help that I'm dyke bait.
Yeah, look at her, bendin' down, showin' you her ass.
I think you're right.
I'm telling you she's so desperate for me.
Makes me almost sad for her.
Oh, Nicky! She coming! - Stop her! It's not ready! - What's not ready? No, Mommy, you have to go back! Go back to bed! Sweetie, we're having brunch at the Four Seasons.
Paloma, why is she not dressed? I tell her, but she want to surprise you.
She been up since 6:00.
Well, that's very cute, honey, but we need to get dressed and put on our happy faces and pretend we like Grandma.
There'll be shrimp cocktail.
But it's Mother's Day.
That's right.
It's my day.
So we will get through brunch, and I will head straight for the spa.
Happy mother.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Put on the blue dress I bought you from Bergdorf's.
She didn't read my card.
Your hair looks nice like that.
Oh, you noticed.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, well, I'm glad to see you keepin' yourself up, doll.
No one likes to see a beautiful, ripe fruit just wither on the vine.
You like my ripe fruit? So sweet, so juicy.
Oh, as if the smell of this dinner isn't making me feel nauseous enough.
Well, maybe you'd rather talk about vegetables, huh? Like your favorite stalk of celery that just walked in.
Yeah, looks like she's lost a little bit of her crunch.
What the fuck is she doin' back here? Hi.
Inmate, no touching.
Yeah, inmate.
Let's just keep it orthodox.
What happened? What are you doing back here? And What happened to your face? Just a little trouble in lockup.
I was in a mood.
I forgot that you should let crackheads have their way.
Well, yeah.
Crackheads Wookiees you know, you gotta let 'em win.
What did you do? This is so unbelievably embarrassing.
Come on.
Like anybody in here can judge.
How am I back here? That's my question.
Come on.
Let's go take a walk.
But can't real faith make shit happen? Look, who knows anything, all right? All I'm saying is, they did some kind of voodoo spell on Vee, and, boom, bitch was gone.
Yo.
Vee is fine.
- Oh, my God.
- Yo, okay.
I cannot go through this again.
Suzanne you throw that tray, or anything on it, we dog-pilin' on you till you're flat.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Agree to disagree, and let's get on with our lives.
Agree to disagree.
Uh-huh.
Shit.
Rhymes with, "Vee.
" Rhymes with, "Let it be.
" So, what you want with this voodoo magic, anyhow? Don't be playin' around with that.
Mess with the evil forces, you'll be out like Cedric Diggory.
Who? Harry Potter.
Died in the Triwizard Tournament? Look, I don't know.
I just I think it's interestin'.
I mean, who knows what kind of forces are operatin' out there in the universe? Maybe it ain't such a bad idea to try to get 'em on your side.
All right, Poussey, you read the Calvin part, I'll be the mom.
Here.
"Mom, was I ever a grub?" "A what?" "You know, a larva.
Did I really 'pup-ate' at age two?" "Pu-pate.
" Like poo? Oh, come on.
You know that word from when we studied butterflies.
The caterpillar goes through the pupal stage and then I love you, Mommy.
Love you, too, baby.
Now, let's keep reading.
I am so excited! I don't think I'm gonna be able to go to sleep tonight.
No, you gotta try.
You don't want your baby seeing you with bags under your eyes.
That's setting a really bad example.
So, how you feelin' about your first Mother's Day? - I'm not a mother yet.
- Sure you are.
If she's already givin' you pain and trouble, you're a mother.
And I'm a mother.
You getting me a present tomorrow for all I've done for you? Don't I just cause you pain and trouble? At least get me a card or something.
Draw me one of your weird pictures.
Give me my stuff! Oh, no? Something to hide? Love letters, maybe, from all those men in your life? This is fancy.
Greenwich, Connecticut? Who the fuck you know in Greenwich, Connecticut? No one.
I was gonna throw it out.
It's stupid.
"I've heard I'm to have a grandchild.
I'd like to see you.
Sincerely, Delia Mendez Powell.
" Mendez? Holy shit! This is Pornstache's mother? Yo, I smell money here.
You gotta say yes.
Write her back and tell her you'll see her.
'Cause I need another person involved here, right? I don't wanna see her.
Fine.
Don't listen to your mother.
'Cause that always works out so well.
So, listen I got a guy.
You are a guy.
Suck my dick.
He's comin' up the tunnel on Wednesday.
He's gonna sell it for us.
So we gotta get that shit to the greenhouse.
So far, the best plan we've come up with is takin' it out one bag at a time up our snatches while the meth-heads take their afternoon naps, okay? And that plan has more holes in it than we have, doesn't it? All right, we need to space these pompoms out more evenly.
I'm a wacky clown.
I don't need symmetry.
And you're stallin'.
It's time.
It's so pretty.
I like looking at it.
Yeah, well, say goodbye, 'cause come Wednesday, that shit is going down the tunnel and out into the world for sale like a Romanian baby.
This shit is happenin'.
I take this ball of blue energy and I pass it to you.
I take this ball of blue energy and I pass it You sure you want to do this, Red? I've only got two years left, Frieda.
Compared to what I was looking at when I got here, that's so little time.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So to speak.
How much time we got before we have to rejoin the witch ladies? Oh, about a half hour.
It takes 'em forever to pass that ball around the circle.
It drives Maxwell nuts.
She smokes by the basketball courts till they're done.
And this is okay with Caputo? Oh, it's a whole new world around here.
A kinder, gentler Litchfield.
Wiccans get night walks on the full moon.
Things that break get mostly fixed.
I even hear people are getting out early.
Uh, Sanchez in the kitchen, that, uh that girl with the nostrils from grounds crew.
All the more reason to do this.
Are you sure? Are you really sure? We had a good thing goin' here, Red.
I'm sure.
Bye-bye, tunnel.
And ye shall be free from slavery.
And as a sign that ye be really free ye shall be naked in thy rites.
And ye shall dance Wait, don't do that.
It's metaphorical naked.
I mean, we're passing around an invisible ball, for Christ's sake.
I thought we didn't believe in Christ.
Better hurry.
Almost finished.
You're a twisted fuck, aren't ya? Life is complex, huh? Let's rejoin the circle.
I could use some energy, blue or otherwise.
Healy, I wanna go home.
You haven't answered my question.
Why is Rogers here? I started Safe Place.
These women trust me, okay? And I'm good at my job, Joe.
She's here because she's needed.
We never replaced Callahan.
We all know Bailey is senile.
For months, you're tellin' me how swamped you are, how overwhelmed.
Okay, I take it back.
I'm fine.
Let her go.
I've got it covered, okay? No.
Fine, then she can have all the blacks and the crazies.
Healy Look, I've got a bad feeling about this one.
She doesn't smell right, and I mean that literally.
She's got a weird smell.
Have you noticed that? Sam! She's here now.
She's your coworker.
Eh, be nice, be respectful.
Come on, be a gentleman.
Yes, my little gentleman.
Gentleman Sam.
Yes, and yes again! Because the angels have spoken to me and they've told me their secrets.
I brought you breakfast.
Now it's a party! Come dance with Mommy.
Is your mom coming? Are you kidding me? Carol is spending the day with her un-imprisoned children.
Mmm.
Diane would smack the shit out of me if she were still alive.
She's probably looking down right now just vomiting angel dust.
I feel so stupid.
You were living in Queens.
I'm sure that made prison seem much more attractive.
Every time I close my eyes, I relive that moment.
Fuck up.
Fuck up.
Alex I had a chance to make a life.
Okay, you need to shut up.
Oh, that's not hot when your snot drips in my mouth like that.
- No? - No.
- It's not your thing? - No, I don't like that.
I thought you'd be into it.
Mmm-mmm.
I'm such an idiot.
No, Alex You have to stop.
You have to.
It wasn't your fault.
Of course it was my fault! No one put that gun in my hand.
- But you didn't know.
- Fuck up! Alex, it wasn't you.
It wasn't you.
It It was the system.
You got caught in the system.
I'm just a fly in the web of the prison industrial complex? Christ.
But at least we're in the same web, right? I mean, at least we're in it together.
Yeah.
At least we're in it together.
Ladies! Get the heck out of there right now! You're out of bounds! Count's in five! I know you're back there! I'm not an idiot! Out now! You're both gettin' shots! Place is goin' to hell.
Hands off! And fingers off! Back away from the table! And nobody touch me.
If anybody touches me, you don't go in.
You are all expected to behave.
Anyone not behaving will be sent back home.
All caregivers must be reachable in case your children you've checked in need to be sent back out.
Welcome to the fun zone.
Mother's last name? I think you know it.
How you doin', my friend? Fine.
Fine.
Yeah? Glad to hear it.
So, listen, I got a couple of your baby's aunts and uncle here.
Hey, can you please keep it down? Stop sweatin' it, bro.
Nobody's listenin'.
Uh, names? You're gonna have to learn these soon, too, hermano.
Eva, Lucy, Christina, and that's Emiliano.
So, listen, you should come by the house soon, you know, get to know us.
I'm not just busting balls, okay? You're family now.
- Okay, here are your badges.
- Have a nice day.
All right, go ahead, kids.
Go give your mother a big hug and a kiss for me.
And Emiliano no tongue, you little perv.
Happy Mother's Day, Johnny boy.
This blows! Hey, Warren! You know you're not allowed out there.
Yeah, but I made a kite, Mr.
Healy.
Kids love kites.
That may be true, but you've been banned from interacting with the children, and you know that.
Yeah, that was last year.
And this is a kite, not Chinese jump rope.
The answer is no, Warren.
Now, you're not to step foot outside of this building.
Is that clear? Yes, sir.
Everyone needs to back up and line up.
Okay, okay, who's first? Where's the stick? Sticks? We can't give 'em sticks.
How are they supposed to break the piñata? I don't know.
Punch it, I guess.
Give it a good shot in the side, work out their anger.
They're having fun.
They're not angry.
Sure they are.
Hey, kid, your mother is in prison.
Pummel the piñata.
Jab, jab.
Hit it.
All right.
No, you look really good! You could, like, leave here and go straight to a My Chemical Romance concert and be the balls.
You missed! Next! Loser.
Why you being so fuckin' mean, man? They're kids.
Number one, they miss, mo' candy for me.
And number two, I don't like kids.
I don't like mamas, neither, for that matter.
Mine thinks I'm shit.
Well, fuck her.
I'm done with mama.
- I'm done with stand-ins for mamas.
- Mmm.
I am parent-free and proud.
Yeah, well, I liked my moms.
Well, lucky you.
Oh, come on.
Maybe when mine dies, I'll like her better.
A'ight, next! Shit.
Simon says deep breath in.
Simon says deep breath out.
Hands in the air.
Chang, Simon didn't say that.
But that's okay.
I encourage you all to follow your own path.
What you in for? Simon says tug at your ear.
Tug at your other ear.
Simon says wiggle your hips.
Simon says hop on one foot! - Duck.
- Simon says wiggle your hips.
- Duck.
- Jump up in the air! - Simon says turn around.
- Duck.
- Don't turn around.
- Goose.
Simon says hands on your head.
- Simon says hands on your knees.
- Duck Use his shirt like a paper towel.
He loves it.
One, two, three, go.
Yo, hey, hey! Get out Get out of here! Get out of here! You! You better get out of here! Where's your mother, boy? Get out of here! I don't understand.
Why isn't your brother here? He says it's for babies.
I haven't seen him in two and a half years.
Look at you.
You got a mustache? Jesus.
You got hair everywhere? Oh, Mom! Never mind.
Don't answer that.
I can't It's good to see you.
You, too.
Lourdes treating you good? We're fine.
She and Benny fight a lot.
They had a crazy one when he got suspended from school last week.
What'd he get suspended for? Cutting class.
So, he misses school and they make him miss more school, that makes no sense.
Jesus, what the hell? Cutting class.
You know what? You tell him that he needs to get his little delinquent ass over here next week for visitation, you got that? Okay.
I'm sorry, papi.
- You're here, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, let's talk about you, huh? What you been up to for the last 30 months? Fun things? All right, next.
Yeah, I'm glad you're here.
- You was just here.
- You made my day.
She made it.
Next.
Grandma's not a clown.
This is eye shadow.
Grandma put on a face for you.
Please, I'm gorgeous.
I know what you're saying, but - All right, honey, take a little spritz.
- Mmm-mmm.
What, no? Be a filthy animal.
Who raised you, huh? Oh, hi, Annette.
There you go.
Wipe front to back, throw it in the trash.
Thank you very much.
This is a nice setup you got here.
Oh, you.
You are so lucky you are in electrical.
Listen, you want my company or not? Yes, I do.
Sit her down.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Look at this shit, right? I mean, look at this, with these fuckin' kids.
Oh, they're everywhere.
I hate kids.
You know, they don't drink, they haven't traveled.
It's nasty in there.
You might wanna hold your breath.
Hey, can I talk to you? Um, I mean, I can wait till you're finished.
This mad juju that you and Gloria do how does it work? I'm really missing someone.
Is the baby gonna live with us? Um We'll see.
"We'll see"? What the fuck is that? I'm gonna be a tÃa.
Hey.
Hi, there.
Everyone having fun? Um, I have a Mother's Day joke.
How come computers are so smart? It's 'cause they listen to their motherboards.
Do you get it? That's what they call the It's the board thingy in the computer.
I think it's, like, what all the circuits are attached to.
It's motherboard, 'cause All right, well, anyway, have a have a great afternoon, so CO Bennett, let's chat.
When are you gonna learn to leave well enough alone? We were just talking.
I do you a solid and sweep everything under the carpet, and you go around lifting up the corners.
"Hey, everybody, look, look.
Look what I got under here.
" Okay, respectfully, sir, I'm pretty sure you did yourself a solid.
You think you're the only one ever to be tempted by an inmate? You think I never saw a tight piece sitting in my office chair crying, tears covering her khaki-covered tits, and thought, "I could bend that over my inbox"? A lesser man would be using this place as his own personal pussy smorgasbord, every fucking color, shape, size.
Around the world without ever leaving upstate.
But I am not a lesser man.
When those feelings come on me, you know what I do? Please don't tell me.
I take care of my fucking self.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - I'm pretty sure I do.
I spank it out, Bennett.
Uh, it's And for the love of Pete, I suggest you do the same like decent men have been doing since time immemorial.
Me and Diaz, it's about more than sex sir.
Just stay away from her, okay? Poor, deluded fuck.
What'd you say? I mean, I just feel bad because it's her day, you know? And she's just sitting in the car while I'm here.
I didn't mean to steal your mom's day.
Yeah, well, I don't need another mother.
I get that.
So, how are things with the good pastor? He makin' your mom happy? Yeah, I guess.
How about you? Gettin' along? Well, he taught me how to shave.
What'd he say about that? He tell you to go down, shave with the grain? No, up and against the grain.
That ain't how you do it.
Well, that's what he told me.
Well, I know better.
Now, who you gonna listen to, someone who just shaves his face or someone who shaves everywhere? Ew.
You think that baby over there is cuter than my girl? Ay, please.
You have the prettiest bebecita here, after mine.
I know.
Ay, look at her.
She looks terrified.
- Oh, she'll come around.
- Mmm-hmm.
I mean, what's more beautiful than having a baby? Making a life? The smell of their heads, the way they put their whole weight on you when they fall asleep.
She's gonna fall in love, and then she'll be fine.
Mmm-hmm.
Ay, chica, you got a little something on your shirt there.
- What is that? Piss or shit? - Oh, it smells like shit.
Oh, my God! This is so disgusting! - Here, take it! Take it! - Eh? So gross! _ Give it to my sister! Okay, this is gettin' ridiculous.
Kids, stand back.
- There's no candy.
- Where's the candy? - It's empty.
- Oh, my God.
This is such a metaphor for their lives.
Didn't you put it in? I wasn't supposed to put it in.
And I was.
Oh, jeez.
It's probably still in the van.
Well, no point getting it now.
There's nothing to put it in.
I'll take it.
What's a piñata without candy? So, aside from the fact that he don't know how to shave, I am kind of happy you have a man around.
Does he give you advice about girls and stuff? His advice about girls was "Wait until marriage.
" Good Lord, one of those.
Now, you want some real advice? From my second mom or my used-to-be dad? From former man to current man.
Now, when I was your age, my dad told me, "Find a real insecure girl and practice on her.
That way, when you meet a girl you really like, you'll be good at it.
" And you really wanna be a lady in a world where men do that? God help me, I do.
And you're never tight again.
I mean, you could work it back a little, but it's never the same after you've torn that shit up.
And you'll always pee yourself a little when you sneeze, and you never really sleep again.
You got anything good to say about it? I just want you to be prepared.
I mean, it's not all bad.
You end up with a baby.
It just ruins your life is all.
You sayin' I ruined your life? Of course.
The day you was born was the end.
She's just so perfect.
How could anythin' be bad if we made somethin' like this? Anyone seen what's-her-name, the little one? She was getting me punch.
I haven't seen her for a while.
Go look for your sister.
Lucy? Lucy! Go look for your sister.
Now, this is nice.
Mmm.
This makes me happy.
Happy Mother's Day, Ma.
Happy Mother's Day.
_ _ _ Ma so, you ready for things to get goin' again? I got a brand new LED headlamp.
I think we're going to take a little break, darling.
Actually, a long one.
It's too much to think about.
I need to think about the future, getting out, getting back to my life, my home the market.
I need to look forward.
Yeah.
Who's minding the store today? What you mean, Ma? What I mean is, it's Mother's Day.
That's always been a big day for us.
Platters, baskets _ _ We can afford to do that? Yeah.
_ Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's goin' on? Lucy's missing.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh.
No, stop.
What are you doing? I gotta call it in.
If you call it in, they're gonna pull the alarm.
The day's over for everybody.
She's here someplace.
Let me look a little more.
Okay, look, 20 minutes, okay? And then I gotta call it in.
All right.
In the name of Jesus, I ask that the souls of my unborn babies be considered to enter the Holy Kingdom, even though they never had a chance to get baptized 'cause I was wicked and I got 'em sucked out 'cause I was weak and I didn't know any better.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I never got to be your mama.
Little Blake and Bonnie Boyd, Bethany Braeden and even you, little Buddy Jr.
I see we're fond of the "B" names.
Yeah, I always liked that letter.
It's like a whole little graveyard here.
Yeah, these are all my unborn babies.
Ooh.
She got the Mother's Day blues Jesus, you look like the Angel of Death.
I get that a lot.
Yeah, I'm goin' to hell.
I know it.
I mean, even though I was saved and everything, I just They never even had a chance, you know? Son, you gotta let go of that shit.
It's easy for you to say.
I'm guessing you ain't never had to abort nobody.
A bold assumption.
You ever read a book called Freakonomics? No.
What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets? Close.
It's about economic theory, cause and effect.
Sounds boring.
Mmm.
It's actually a pretty good read.
They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?" Over there in that field.
You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v.
Wade.
The Darkness of '73.
The exact opposite, actually.
I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v.
Wade These were children that weren't wanted.
Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon.
But they were never born.
So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there.
And the crime rate Dropped dramatically.
- What's your point? - Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit.
So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring.
I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing.
Never thought about it that way.
Well, maybe you should, hmm? Maybe you should stop punishing yourself.
I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what's best for her children.
And maybe what was best for your children was wipin' 'em out before they had to lead miserable fucking lives.
Yeah.
Maybe.
It makes me feel a little better, actually.
Good, then I've done my job.
"Clown cheers crowd.
" Lucy? Lucy! Where the fuck are you? Motherfuckers.
They couldn't wait? I want to stay with Daya.
You're in so much fucking trouble.
Everybody, on the ground! Get down! Right where you are! Get down on the ground! - Get down! - Mommy, get up! Everyone out of those porta-potties now! Fuck.
We're on our way.
- Mommy, get up! - Do I get on the ground? - Mama, what's happening? Get up.
- It's okay.
Mommy's fine.
- Is everything okay? - Stay down until we tell you! Good day? So good.
Yads, thank you for bringing her.
Okay, all right, mami.
I'll see you next week.
I don't think so.
"I don't think so"? What do you mean, "I don't think so"? She's getting bigger.
She's startin' to understand things.
I've been reading I don't want her seeing her mother in prison, thinkin' this is normal.
It's best we cut this off right now.
What are you talkin' about? Ruiz, you move it along.
What do you mean, "Cut this off"? - You gonna walk away from me? - Sorry, Maria.
What, I don't have a choice in this? Yadri Wait! Wait! Yadriel! Yadriel! Yadriel! Coño! Yadriel! Oh, my Fuck! _
I'd feed her dog.
I'd zip his sweater.
Mmm.
See? It doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's "I'd blank your blank.
" It all sounds dirty, always.
I'd disembowel his cat.
That is not sexy.
No, she did not say that right.
I'd scratch that eczema.
Oh, she is killing your theory, here, Doggett.
Well, her exception proves the rules, 'cause you guys gotta know, my boyfriend, Arlen He was the master of it.
He'd bed you whispering, "I'd light your crack pipe"? I didn't smoke crack.
Crack's for coloreds.
- Oh, is it, now? - N African Americans.
Crack is for African Americans.
Maybe you should just drive.
I am drivin'.
I gotta say, these cup holders are nice.
The air works.
Seats don't smell like hot dog juice.
Maybe we should get all of our terminal inmates to drive our outdated crap into a quarry.
Gotta give it to the baldy, though.
She had some set of balls.
You know, a man went bald and he bawled.
But then he met a really nice lady who She liked a clean head, right? So he balled her real good.
So you got "bald," "bawled," and "balled," right? They all sound alike, but they're all spelled different.
Isn't that wild? My mom taught me that.
She taught me so many cool things.
Come on, hon.
Get it all down.
That's right.
Chug, chug, chug.
Hey! All of it! Finish that bottle.
See for yourself she ain't right in the head.
Never had all what belongs to her, poor thing.
But we take what the Lord gives us.
Anyhow, so's I understand it, supplemental security income benefits for little Bessie bugs like mine is $314 a month.
Is that right? How many kids are coming for Mother's Day? A lot.
Some of our ladies, they have three, four, seven.
I would have had five.
Or six if you count the one that fell out after the night in the caves.
Huh.
Would have been a miracle baby, like Tim Tebow.
Based on the state of your mouth when you came in, I'm gonna say your baby wasn't on the star athlete track.
Oh, yeah? Well neither was Tim Tebow.
You know, when his mama was pregnant, she had the sickness and the doctors told her not to have the baby, but she had it anyhow.
And she was on dysentery medicine and in Filipino town.
He wasn't such a great quarterback.
Oh.
Like you so great at football.
I may have kids one day.
One day? You got a time machine? The women in my family have very young ovaries.
My mother had me at 49.
Her mother had my Uncle Chess, at 52.
I got plenty of time.
We believe what we believe.
You guys, look at this look at this sale stuff.
We should just bring back all this Cinco de Mayo.
I mean, look.
"Fiesta like there's no mañana.
" Seriously.
You know most of the kids are gonna be Mexican, so make 'em feel at home.
Just get 'em one of these red chili piñatas, a bunch of these green candies from St.
Patrick's Day, and we got a party.
Doggett, enough.
The only reason why you're in here is 'cause we couldn't leave you in the van.
Let's go price the helium tanks.
You all right? I'm fine.
Are you havin' a panic attack? I'm breathing mindfully.
I'm supposed to do it to 108 and then do it again if I'm not feeling any better even though I never feel better.
Now I lost count.
Shit! Where did you learn this? Some magazine.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to find some fuckin' peace.
Holy shit, look who's back.
You missed me, right? Like a bulldog misses his balls.
You're in that bunk.
I can't sleep on the top bunk.
- Yeah, well, not the top.
- Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
That's Rosa's bed.
Back it up.
DeMarco, she's been assigned to that bunk.
Show some respect for the dead.
Red, I know you from the first night I spent in this room, but you take one more thing down, I'm gonna reopen your head wounds.
Wanna build a shrine to Rosa? Build it somewhere she had joy not on this miserable bed where she lay dying of cancer.
The woman went out like a champ.
Tough fuckin' broad.
You want any of this? Yeah, the playin' cards.
She was a good card player.
How you doing, Red? Strangest thing ever since the assault I speak with this Russian accent.
- You still having headaches? - Yeah.
Trying to wean myself off the pills.
I can't stand feeling foggy all the time.
You got any on ya? A few.
I've been cheeking them.
Here.
How much you want? Nothin'.
You don't give anything away for free.
I've turned over a new leaf.
Wait.
That's been in your mouth? Briefly, yes.
Ugh.
Shkeeve.
No offense.
I only share spit with my man and my babies.
I'll take it.
Mother's Day Fair expanded visitation it fosters the inmates' connection to the outside world.
These women forget they have lives on the outside, it affects how they behave in here.
Maybe they forget for good reason.
Well, that's your job to worry about now.
You're the expert.
Not really.
My degree's in cosmetology.
My whole résumé's a lie.
But you would be amazed what ladies will reveal while you're bleaching their arm hair.
I don't know you that well.
You're joking, right? 'Cause I just got everything square around here, and it's been an uphill climb.
So I heard.
Now, what'd you hear? That you got caught in a shit-storm, but you put up a sturdy umbrella.
Yeah, well, it's starting to leak.
Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's job, along with doing my old job, which the powers-that-be have yet to fill.
I'm doin' two jobs.
Do you resent that the administration hired me before finding a replacement for your old job? Are you analyzin' me? No.
I just don't want any shade without having been given a shot.
My beef's not with you.
What'd you hear about me? That you're smart and you're qualified and you said yes.
Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part? How's this? Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed in both the counseling and hair removal arenas.
These are complicated ladies in a complicated place.
Yo! Mr.
Caputo! That your girlfriend? I had a feeling you had a thing for the darker berries.
Jefferson, this is Counselor Rogers.
Counselor? What about Mr.
Healy? He's still here.
Huh.
This is gonna get interestin'.
Is it? How so? Jefferson, why don't you go help set up? Yes, sir, mas'er.
Mr.
Caputo, sir.
What do you want, Bennett? Sir, all the lights in C-Dorm went out, so I sent some of the girls in electrical down to take a look at it.
They're not girls, Bennett.
They're inmates.
Or women.
Or electricians.
What's your point? Um, well, the lights are back on now.
It's a great story.
Thank you for sharing.
- Berdie Rogers, new counselor.
- Hi.
Officer Bennett is there anything else you'd like to tell us? Nice to meet you.
What's goin' on there? Nothing.
It's nothing.
How about we go on a tour of the dorms in all their well-lit glory? Everybody says she's got magic.
Did she touch it, too? I wanna know that she touched it.
Mmm-hmm.
She touched it.
She blessed it.
Oh, shit.
What does that mean? Hasan put a curse on me, didn't he? That's a cursed egg.
I'll lose a foot.
Bobo will attack all the quail.
It's not a cursed egg.
My hand slipped, okay? Why don't you go get cleaned up, and then we'll start all over again? We're gonna do a whole thing, okay? Go.
I'm all eggy now.
It's gonna attract snakes.
I know.
That's not good.
Now what does the egg do? You makin' somebody else go away? I'm making an omelet.
I got no scraps for your hooch today, and I am still waiting on my jar from the last batch.
Okay, it's comin'.
A few more days.
It's gonna be good.
Listen, we were thinkin' of doin', like, a little game booth for the kids, where they throw Ping-Pong balls into little bowls of water.
Win a prize.
Can I borrow some bowls? Where you gonna get some Ping-Pong balls around here? Found a bunch in the warehouse.
They're old as fuck and mostly dented, but they'll work.
What are you gonna do for prizes? Buy some Tootsie Rolls from commissary dole them out.
That's nice of you.
Yeah, well, it's y'all's day.
Must be hard as fuck bein' in here when you got kids on the outside.
Your kids comin'? Yeah for the first time in a long time.
My tÃa, she moved back into the city.
Don't forget to call your mother tomorrow.
Oh, my mom's passed.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Mira, Blanca! - Eh? Why don't you get this one some of those fruit cocktail-sized bowls? I won a goldfish once _ _ We gave him, like, Froot Loops to eat.
Like 12 years that thing lived until my cousin, Antoni, ate him on a dare.
Fucking asshole.
I'm definitely a carbon monoxide guy.
Put on some tunes, breathe deep, go out easy.
- Maybe pills.
- Figures.
What do you mean, "figures"? Pills are expensive.
But you don't even think about that.
Well, I didn't realize that my hypothetical suicide had a budget.
Some of us have to think about these things.
I make 11 cents an hour.
When I get outta here, I will have no home I will have no job and not a whole lot of prospects.
All the more reason to start thinking economically.
Welcome to the real world, princess.
This is not a healthy discussion.
You know, when you go to a shooting range, you don't have to pay until you leave.
So you can check out a gun shoot yourself right there.
Wouldn't cost you a cent.
I would like to change the subject, please.
You know, the hot one's back.
What do you mean, "the hot one"? Your girlfriend.
The Bettie Page of Litchfield.
Alex is back? I gotta go find her.
- Oh, hey! You're on the clock here.
- Well, can I go early? Sure.
Why don't you grab a happy hour cocktail with her at TGI Fridays? - You wanna put in for vacation time, too? - Okay, okay, all right.
Finish your fucking job.
It's not like she's goin' anywhere.
And to be honest, she looked a little rough.
It sucks when hot chicks start to cool down.
Okay, okay, listen up.
If you don't have children comin' today, please come back another time.
And for all you mothers, it's a numbers day.
No special request.
I only wanna trim so I look the same as the last time I saw her.
It's called object permanence.
It's also called boring but you the boss.
And what are we doin' with you today? I'll take number seven, please.
You excited for Mother's Day? Oh, yeah, all my kids are comin'.
Little Donovan and baby Frankie, that's short for Francesca, and the twins.
You got four kids? Oh, sure.
Catholic.
You know how it goes.
You don't got no kids.
Yes, I do.
I have four kids and they're all coming to see me.
Bull shit.
- Show me your stomach.
- What? Mother of four, twins no less.
Let me see your belly.
Maybe I did a lot of sit-ups, and maybe they're adopted.
Get the fuck out of my chair.
No, I need this.
I lost my van.
I have been scrubbin' toilets.
Let me feel like a person.
You can feel like a person after I see my actual baby that came out of me and exists.
Well, maybe my mother's comin' to visit and I need to look nice for her.
_ I really haven't been feelin' so good lately, and dollin' up's the only way I got to feel better.
- Okay.
- What? - I'll work on her real fast.
- Come I got a soft spot for the pathetics.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Somebody comin' to visit you this weekend? My son, Michael.
Oh.
How does that work, with you being a lady-man and all? Do you and his mother both celebrate the day? You really wanna be callin' me a lady-man when I got a fistful of your hair in my hand? Oh, I just thought it sounded nice.
I don't know from these things.
That's why I'm askin' questions.
We're sharing the day.
He's spending Father's Day with her new boyfriend, the pastor.
Oh.
Well, that doesn't seem fair.
He's not his father.
Well, I'm not sure I am anymore, either.
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back No more, no more, no more, no more Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more What you say? Mmm-mmm.
We goin' about this the wrong way.
I should sing.
It'll drive him out of there screaming.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Do my feet again.
Mmm.
Like this, baby? Like this? Ah, yeah.
Ooh.
Yeah, you squeeze there while I pinch my nipples.
We have some more of that spicy chicken from Bongo's, have sex again.
I run around the block a couple times, do some jumpin' jacks.
Get out.
Do you hear me? It is time for you to vacate the premises.
It's your eviction notice.
Ooh.
Did you see that? That was a foot.
A whole person in there.
Mmm.
You scared.
A little.
Don't be.
You're gonna make a great daddy.
Ah.
Back on that foot.
Back on that There you go.
There.
You know, there's nothing wrong with that light.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you let me be the judge of that? Because you don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Okay, you know what? For your information, there's actually a loose fluorescent bulb in here.
You're lucky I caught this, or we might all be dead.
You know why she's in here all the time lately? 'Cause she's a dumbshit.
'Cause she got a crush on me.
What are you talking about? When she had that bet thing going on with the bully butch bitch, she tried to get me, but I didn't do it.
She wasn't offering anything good.
Well, I've seen you suck a cock for a bag of ranch Doritos.
Totally different.
That was a cock.
And I love ranch flavor.
The point is, she's really into me, which is why she keeps coming around here.
Well, you gotta stop leading her on.
I ain't done nothin'.
I can't help that I'm dyke bait.
Yeah, look at her, bendin' down, showin' you her ass.
I think you're right.
I'm telling you she's so desperate for me.
Makes me almost sad for her.
Oh, Nicky! She coming! - Stop her! It's not ready! - What's not ready? No, Mommy, you have to go back! Go back to bed! Sweetie, we're having brunch at the Four Seasons.
Paloma, why is she not dressed? I tell her, but she want to surprise you.
She been up since 6:00.
Well, that's very cute, honey, but we need to get dressed and put on our happy faces and pretend we like Grandma.
There'll be shrimp cocktail.
But it's Mother's Day.
That's right.
It's my day.
So we will get through brunch, and I will head straight for the spa.
Happy mother.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Put on the blue dress I bought you from Bergdorf's.
She didn't read my card.
Your hair looks nice like that.
Oh, you noticed.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, well, I'm glad to see you keepin' yourself up, doll.
No one likes to see a beautiful, ripe fruit just wither on the vine.
You like my ripe fruit? So sweet, so juicy.
Oh, as if the smell of this dinner isn't making me feel nauseous enough.
Well, maybe you'd rather talk about vegetables, huh? Like your favorite stalk of celery that just walked in.
Yeah, looks like she's lost a little bit of her crunch.
What the fuck is she doin' back here? Hi.
Inmate, no touching.
Yeah, inmate.
Let's just keep it orthodox.
What happened? What are you doing back here? And What happened to your face? Just a little trouble in lockup.
I was in a mood.
I forgot that you should let crackheads have their way.
Well, yeah.
Crackheads Wookiees you know, you gotta let 'em win.
What did you do? This is so unbelievably embarrassing.
Come on.
Like anybody in here can judge.
How am I back here? That's my question.
Come on.
Let's go take a walk.
But can't real faith make shit happen? Look, who knows anything, all right? All I'm saying is, they did some kind of voodoo spell on Vee, and, boom, bitch was gone.
Yo.
Vee is fine.
- Oh, my God.
- Yo, okay.
I cannot go through this again.
Suzanne you throw that tray, or anything on it, we dog-pilin' on you till you're flat.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Agree to disagree, and let's get on with our lives.
Agree to disagree.
Uh-huh.
Shit.
Rhymes with, "Vee.
" Rhymes with, "Let it be.
" So, what you want with this voodoo magic, anyhow? Don't be playin' around with that.
Mess with the evil forces, you'll be out like Cedric Diggory.
Who? Harry Potter.
Died in the Triwizard Tournament? Look, I don't know.
I just I think it's interestin'.
I mean, who knows what kind of forces are operatin' out there in the universe? Maybe it ain't such a bad idea to try to get 'em on your side.
All right, Poussey, you read the Calvin part, I'll be the mom.
Here.
"Mom, was I ever a grub?" "A what?" "You know, a larva.
Did I really 'pup-ate' at age two?" "Pu-pate.
" Like poo? Oh, come on.
You know that word from when we studied butterflies.
The caterpillar goes through the pupal stage and then I love you, Mommy.
Love you, too, baby.
Now, let's keep reading.
I am so excited! I don't think I'm gonna be able to go to sleep tonight.
No, you gotta try.
You don't want your baby seeing you with bags under your eyes.
That's setting a really bad example.
So, how you feelin' about your first Mother's Day? - I'm not a mother yet.
- Sure you are.
If she's already givin' you pain and trouble, you're a mother.
And I'm a mother.
You getting me a present tomorrow for all I've done for you? Don't I just cause you pain and trouble? At least get me a card or something.
Draw me one of your weird pictures.
Give me my stuff! Oh, no? Something to hide? Love letters, maybe, from all those men in your life? This is fancy.
Greenwich, Connecticut? Who the fuck you know in Greenwich, Connecticut? No one.
I was gonna throw it out.
It's stupid.
"I've heard I'm to have a grandchild.
I'd like to see you.
Sincerely, Delia Mendez Powell.
" Mendez? Holy shit! This is Pornstache's mother? Yo, I smell money here.
You gotta say yes.
Write her back and tell her you'll see her.
'Cause I need another person involved here, right? I don't wanna see her.
Fine.
Don't listen to your mother.
'Cause that always works out so well.
So, listen I got a guy.
You are a guy.
Suck my dick.
He's comin' up the tunnel on Wednesday.
He's gonna sell it for us.
So we gotta get that shit to the greenhouse.
So far, the best plan we've come up with is takin' it out one bag at a time up our snatches while the meth-heads take their afternoon naps, okay? And that plan has more holes in it than we have, doesn't it? All right, we need to space these pompoms out more evenly.
I'm a wacky clown.
I don't need symmetry.
And you're stallin'.
It's time.
It's so pretty.
I like looking at it.
Yeah, well, say goodbye, 'cause come Wednesday, that shit is going down the tunnel and out into the world for sale like a Romanian baby.
This shit is happenin'.
I take this ball of blue energy and I pass it to you.
I take this ball of blue energy and I pass it You sure you want to do this, Red? I've only got two years left, Frieda.
Compared to what I was looking at when I got here, that's so little time.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So to speak.
How much time we got before we have to rejoin the witch ladies? Oh, about a half hour.
It takes 'em forever to pass that ball around the circle.
It drives Maxwell nuts.
She smokes by the basketball courts till they're done.
And this is okay with Caputo? Oh, it's a whole new world around here.
A kinder, gentler Litchfield.
Wiccans get night walks on the full moon.
Things that break get mostly fixed.
I even hear people are getting out early.
Uh, Sanchez in the kitchen, that, uh that girl with the nostrils from grounds crew.
All the more reason to do this.
Are you sure? Are you really sure? We had a good thing goin' here, Red.
I'm sure.
Bye-bye, tunnel.
And ye shall be free from slavery.
And as a sign that ye be really free ye shall be naked in thy rites.
And ye shall dance Wait, don't do that.
It's metaphorical naked.
I mean, we're passing around an invisible ball, for Christ's sake.
I thought we didn't believe in Christ.
Better hurry.
Almost finished.
You're a twisted fuck, aren't ya? Life is complex, huh? Let's rejoin the circle.
I could use some energy, blue or otherwise.
Healy, I wanna go home.
You haven't answered my question.
Why is Rogers here? I started Safe Place.
These women trust me, okay? And I'm good at my job, Joe.
She's here because she's needed.
We never replaced Callahan.
We all know Bailey is senile.
For months, you're tellin' me how swamped you are, how overwhelmed.
Okay, I take it back.
I'm fine.
Let her go.
I've got it covered, okay? No.
Fine, then she can have all the blacks and the crazies.
Healy Look, I've got a bad feeling about this one.
She doesn't smell right, and I mean that literally.
She's got a weird smell.
Have you noticed that? Sam! She's here now.
She's your coworker.
Eh, be nice, be respectful.
Come on, be a gentleman.
Yes, my little gentleman.
Gentleman Sam.
Yes, and yes again! Because the angels have spoken to me and they've told me their secrets.
I brought you breakfast.
Now it's a party! Come dance with Mommy.
Is your mom coming? Are you kidding me? Carol is spending the day with her un-imprisoned children.
Mmm.
Diane would smack the shit out of me if she were still alive.
She's probably looking down right now just vomiting angel dust.
I feel so stupid.
You were living in Queens.
I'm sure that made prison seem much more attractive.
Every time I close my eyes, I relive that moment.
Fuck up.
Fuck up.
Alex I had a chance to make a life.
Okay, you need to shut up.
Oh, that's not hot when your snot drips in my mouth like that.
- No? - No.
- It's not your thing? - No, I don't like that.
I thought you'd be into it.
Mmm-mmm.
I'm such an idiot.
No, Alex You have to stop.
You have to.
It wasn't your fault.
Of course it was my fault! No one put that gun in my hand.
- But you didn't know.
- Fuck up! Alex, it wasn't you.
It wasn't you.
It It was the system.
You got caught in the system.
I'm just a fly in the web of the prison industrial complex? Christ.
But at least we're in the same web, right? I mean, at least we're in it together.
Yeah.
At least we're in it together.
Ladies! Get the heck out of there right now! You're out of bounds! Count's in five! I know you're back there! I'm not an idiot! Out now! You're both gettin' shots! Place is goin' to hell.
Hands off! And fingers off! Back away from the table! And nobody touch me.
If anybody touches me, you don't go in.
You are all expected to behave.
Anyone not behaving will be sent back home.
All caregivers must be reachable in case your children you've checked in need to be sent back out.
Welcome to the fun zone.
Mother's last name? I think you know it.
How you doin', my friend? Fine.
Fine.
Yeah? Glad to hear it.
So, listen, I got a couple of your baby's aunts and uncle here.
Hey, can you please keep it down? Stop sweatin' it, bro.
Nobody's listenin'.
Uh, names? You're gonna have to learn these soon, too, hermano.
Eva, Lucy, Christina, and that's Emiliano.
So, listen, you should come by the house soon, you know, get to know us.
I'm not just busting balls, okay? You're family now.
- Okay, here are your badges.
- Have a nice day.
All right, go ahead, kids.
Go give your mother a big hug and a kiss for me.
And Emiliano no tongue, you little perv.
Happy Mother's Day, Johnny boy.
This blows! Hey, Warren! You know you're not allowed out there.
Yeah, but I made a kite, Mr.
Healy.
Kids love kites.
That may be true, but you've been banned from interacting with the children, and you know that.
Yeah, that was last year.
And this is a kite, not Chinese jump rope.
The answer is no, Warren.
Now, you're not to step foot outside of this building.
Is that clear? Yes, sir.
Everyone needs to back up and line up.
Okay, okay, who's first? Where's the stick? Sticks? We can't give 'em sticks.
How are they supposed to break the piñata? I don't know.
Punch it, I guess.
Give it a good shot in the side, work out their anger.
They're having fun.
They're not angry.
Sure they are.
Hey, kid, your mother is in prison.
Pummel the piñata.
Jab, jab.
Hit it.
All right.
No, you look really good! You could, like, leave here and go straight to a My Chemical Romance concert and be the balls.
You missed! Next! Loser.
Why you being so fuckin' mean, man? They're kids.
Number one, they miss, mo' candy for me.
And number two, I don't like kids.
I don't like mamas, neither, for that matter.
Mine thinks I'm shit.
Well, fuck her.
I'm done with mama.
- I'm done with stand-ins for mamas.
- Mmm.
I am parent-free and proud.
Yeah, well, I liked my moms.
Well, lucky you.
Oh, come on.
Maybe when mine dies, I'll like her better.
A'ight, next! Shit.
Simon says deep breath in.
Simon says deep breath out.
Hands in the air.
Chang, Simon didn't say that.
But that's okay.
I encourage you all to follow your own path.
What you in for? Simon says tug at your ear.
Tug at your other ear.
Simon says wiggle your hips.
Simon says hop on one foot! - Duck.
- Simon says wiggle your hips.
- Duck.
- Jump up in the air! - Simon says turn around.
- Duck.
- Don't turn around.
- Goose.
Simon says hands on your head.
- Simon says hands on your knees.
- Duck Use his shirt like a paper towel.
He loves it.
One, two, three, go.
Yo, hey, hey! Get out Get out of here! Get out of here! You! You better get out of here! Where's your mother, boy? Get out of here! I don't understand.
Why isn't your brother here? He says it's for babies.
I haven't seen him in two and a half years.
Look at you.
You got a mustache? Jesus.
You got hair everywhere? Oh, Mom! Never mind.
Don't answer that.
I can't It's good to see you.
You, too.
Lourdes treating you good? We're fine.
She and Benny fight a lot.
They had a crazy one when he got suspended from school last week.
What'd he get suspended for? Cutting class.
So, he misses school and they make him miss more school, that makes no sense.
Jesus, what the hell? Cutting class.
You know what? You tell him that he needs to get his little delinquent ass over here next week for visitation, you got that? Okay.
I'm sorry, papi.
- You're here, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, let's talk about you, huh? What you been up to for the last 30 months? Fun things? All right, next.
Yeah, I'm glad you're here.
- You was just here.
- You made my day.
She made it.
Next.
Grandma's not a clown.
This is eye shadow.
Grandma put on a face for you.
Please, I'm gorgeous.
I know what you're saying, but - All right, honey, take a little spritz.
- Mmm-mmm.
What, no? Be a filthy animal.
Who raised you, huh? Oh, hi, Annette.
There you go.
Wipe front to back, throw it in the trash.
Thank you very much.
This is a nice setup you got here.
Oh, you.
You are so lucky you are in electrical.
Listen, you want my company or not? Yes, I do.
Sit her down.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Look at this shit, right? I mean, look at this, with these fuckin' kids.
Oh, they're everywhere.
I hate kids.
You know, they don't drink, they haven't traveled.
It's nasty in there.
You might wanna hold your breath.
Hey, can I talk to you? Um, I mean, I can wait till you're finished.
This mad juju that you and Gloria do how does it work? I'm really missing someone.
Is the baby gonna live with us? Um We'll see.
"We'll see"? What the fuck is that? I'm gonna be a tÃa.
Hey.
Hi, there.
Everyone having fun? Um, I have a Mother's Day joke.
How come computers are so smart? It's 'cause they listen to their motherboards.
Do you get it? That's what they call the It's the board thingy in the computer.
I think it's, like, what all the circuits are attached to.
It's motherboard, 'cause All right, well, anyway, have a have a great afternoon, so CO Bennett, let's chat.
When are you gonna learn to leave well enough alone? We were just talking.
I do you a solid and sweep everything under the carpet, and you go around lifting up the corners.
"Hey, everybody, look, look.
Look what I got under here.
" Okay, respectfully, sir, I'm pretty sure you did yourself a solid.
You think you're the only one ever to be tempted by an inmate? You think I never saw a tight piece sitting in my office chair crying, tears covering her khaki-covered tits, and thought, "I could bend that over my inbox"? A lesser man would be using this place as his own personal pussy smorgasbord, every fucking color, shape, size.
Around the world without ever leaving upstate.
But I am not a lesser man.
When those feelings come on me, you know what I do? Please don't tell me.
I take care of my fucking self.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - I'm pretty sure I do.
I spank it out, Bennett.
Uh, it's And for the love of Pete, I suggest you do the same like decent men have been doing since time immemorial.
Me and Diaz, it's about more than sex sir.
Just stay away from her, okay? Poor, deluded fuck.
What'd you say? I mean, I just feel bad because it's her day, you know? And she's just sitting in the car while I'm here.
I didn't mean to steal your mom's day.
Yeah, well, I don't need another mother.
I get that.
So, how are things with the good pastor? He makin' your mom happy? Yeah, I guess.
How about you? Gettin' along? Well, he taught me how to shave.
What'd he say about that? He tell you to go down, shave with the grain? No, up and against the grain.
That ain't how you do it.
Well, that's what he told me.
Well, I know better.
Now, who you gonna listen to, someone who just shaves his face or someone who shaves everywhere? Ew.
You think that baby over there is cuter than my girl? Ay, please.
You have the prettiest bebecita here, after mine.
I know.
Ay, look at her.
She looks terrified.
- Oh, she'll come around.
- Mmm-hmm.
I mean, what's more beautiful than having a baby? Making a life? The smell of their heads, the way they put their whole weight on you when they fall asleep.
She's gonna fall in love, and then she'll be fine.
Mmm-hmm.
Ay, chica, you got a little something on your shirt there.
- What is that? Piss or shit? - Oh, it smells like shit.
Oh, my God! This is so disgusting! - Here, take it! Take it! - Eh? So gross! _ Give it to my sister! Okay, this is gettin' ridiculous.
Kids, stand back.
- There's no candy.
- Where's the candy? - It's empty.
- Oh, my God.
This is such a metaphor for their lives.
Didn't you put it in? I wasn't supposed to put it in.
And I was.
Oh, jeez.
It's probably still in the van.
Well, no point getting it now.
There's nothing to put it in.
I'll take it.
What's a piñata without candy? So, aside from the fact that he don't know how to shave, I am kind of happy you have a man around.
Does he give you advice about girls and stuff? His advice about girls was "Wait until marriage.
" Good Lord, one of those.
Now, you want some real advice? From my second mom or my used-to-be dad? From former man to current man.
Now, when I was your age, my dad told me, "Find a real insecure girl and practice on her.
That way, when you meet a girl you really like, you'll be good at it.
" And you really wanna be a lady in a world where men do that? God help me, I do.
And you're never tight again.
I mean, you could work it back a little, but it's never the same after you've torn that shit up.
And you'll always pee yourself a little when you sneeze, and you never really sleep again.
You got anything good to say about it? I just want you to be prepared.
I mean, it's not all bad.
You end up with a baby.
It just ruins your life is all.
You sayin' I ruined your life? Of course.
The day you was born was the end.
She's just so perfect.
How could anythin' be bad if we made somethin' like this? Anyone seen what's-her-name, the little one? She was getting me punch.
I haven't seen her for a while.
Go look for your sister.
Lucy? Lucy! Go look for your sister.
Now, this is nice.
Mmm.
This makes me happy.
Happy Mother's Day, Ma.
Happy Mother's Day.
_ _ _ Ma so, you ready for things to get goin' again? I got a brand new LED headlamp.
I think we're going to take a little break, darling.
Actually, a long one.
It's too much to think about.
I need to think about the future, getting out, getting back to my life, my home the market.
I need to look forward.
Yeah.
Who's minding the store today? What you mean, Ma? What I mean is, it's Mother's Day.
That's always been a big day for us.
Platters, baskets _ _ We can afford to do that? Yeah.
_ Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's goin' on? Lucy's missing.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh.
No, stop.
What are you doing? I gotta call it in.
If you call it in, they're gonna pull the alarm.
The day's over for everybody.
She's here someplace.
Let me look a little more.
Okay, look, 20 minutes, okay? And then I gotta call it in.
All right.
In the name of Jesus, I ask that the souls of my unborn babies be considered to enter the Holy Kingdom, even though they never had a chance to get baptized 'cause I was wicked and I got 'em sucked out 'cause I was weak and I didn't know any better.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I never got to be your mama.
Little Blake and Bonnie Boyd, Bethany Braeden and even you, little Buddy Jr.
I see we're fond of the "B" names.
Yeah, I always liked that letter.
It's like a whole little graveyard here.
Yeah, these are all my unborn babies.
Ooh.
She got the Mother's Day blues Jesus, you look like the Angel of Death.
I get that a lot.
Yeah, I'm goin' to hell.
I know it.
I mean, even though I was saved and everything, I just They never even had a chance, you know? Son, you gotta let go of that shit.
It's easy for you to say.
I'm guessing you ain't never had to abort nobody.
A bold assumption.
You ever read a book called Freakonomics? No.
What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets? Close.
It's about economic theory, cause and effect.
Sounds boring.
Mmm.
It's actually a pretty good read.
They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?" Over there in that field.
You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v.
Wade.
The Darkness of '73.
The exact opposite, actually.
I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v.
Wade These were children that weren't wanted.
Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon.
But they were never born.
So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there.
And the crime rate Dropped dramatically.
- What's your point? - Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit.
So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring.
I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing.
Never thought about it that way.
Well, maybe you should, hmm? Maybe you should stop punishing yourself.
I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what's best for her children.
And maybe what was best for your children was wipin' 'em out before they had to lead miserable fucking lives.
Yeah.
Maybe.
It makes me feel a little better, actually.
Good, then I've done my job.
"Clown cheers crowd.
" Lucy? Lucy! Where the fuck are you? Motherfuckers.
They couldn't wait? I want to stay with Daya.
You're in so much fucking trouble.
Everybody, on the ground! Get down! Right where you are! Get down on the ground! - Get down! - Mommy, get up! Everyone out of those porta-potties now! Fuck.
We're on our way.
- Mommy, get up! - Do I get on the ground? - Mama, what's happening? Get up.
- It's okay.
Mommy's fine.
- Is everything okay? - Stay down until we tell you! Good day? So good.
Yads, thank you for bringing her.
Okay, all right, mami.
I'll see you next week.
I don't think so.
"I don't think so"? What do you mean, "I don't think so"? She's getting bigger.
She's startin' to understand things.
I've been reading I don't want her seeing her mother in prison, thinkin' this is normal.
It's best we cut this off right now.
What are you talkin' about? Ruiz, you move it along.
What do you mean, "Cut this off"? - You gonna walk away from me? - Sorry, Maria.
What, I don't have a choice in this? Yadri Wait! Wait! Yadriel! Yadriel! Yadriel! Coño! Yadriel! Oh, my Fuck! _