Miranda s03e02 Episode Script

1 Evenin' all! Oh! Sounded like a policeman.
Now pull up a chair, a sofa or a chaise for the more louche amongst you.
Naughty! And focus, for I'm ready to impart ma' news.
Mum is running for local council and appointed Tilly as campaign manager.
Prepare for the policies.
M&S on the NHS! A restraining order for the whole of Essex! No tracksuits in Waitrose! If you're wearing a tracksuit and you're not exercising - Lidl.
Tax breaks for anyone who marries this.
But the big news, prepare, Gary has been dating and is now an item with a lovely girl called Rose.
Convincing face? Hey, babe, are you ready? Hey, babe, you ready? Swede head.
Miranda! So, re Rose, I've decided - wait for it - I'm going to find me a boyfriend.
Start playing the field, yeah.
Stevie and I tried a spot o'field playing but it got competitive because it was a man in uniform! Bonjour, I'm Miranda.
Rude.
Tonight, it's girls' night in but after that, watch out, men.
Oh Indian banquet, the king of ready meals.
Oh! Indian banquet, nice! What's that? You want to switch the oven on and sort it all out? Oh, thanks, Stevie.
Right, music.
I'm feeling Lionel.
Come on and sing along All night long All night All night.
Sorry, what other best friend do you have to organise your surprise birthday party? I'm organising it.
YOUR organising your own SURPRISE party? 'Dress code - come as what you wanted to be when you were younger.
' Nice.
Hence the new shop's fancy dress stock.
Clever, Stevie.
"You're hired.
" Thank you, Sir Alan! Your task is to surprise me so I have a good reaction for the photo on the night.
Oh, OK.
So let's try it.
Erm All your family have been pressed to death by a steamroller and bricked up in a nunnery.
Surprise! That's not a surprise, that's ridiculous.
Sorry, I'll work on it.
Right Dish one needs to go in the oven for 20 minutes.
OK.
This one needs to go in the oven for 15 minutes.
Helloingtons, Queen Kongs.
What's going down? Indian banquet.
Now this dish is microwaveable, three minutes, that goes in 17 minutes after dish one.
Agh! It's Friday night.
We're in our mid 30s and we're doing some sort of curry exam.
Total Mare Portas.
Put it down! We need to get to a nightclub and go on the pullingtons.
She's right.
How are you going to get a boyfriend if we keep staying in? Sorry, you're you're trying to get a boyfriend? No.
Sorry.
It's totes possiblos.
Well, you're going to have to go clubbing.
No, because my future boyfriend won't be in a discotheque.
He'll be a knight in shining armour revealing himself purposefully.
Beat ya! Oh, sorry we're crashing something.
Girls' night.
Oh can I jump in? No.
My hot water's still not working, do you mind if we shower here? Or we could shower together, that would save water.
No, unacceptable.
So Kong are you heading clubwards or? Right, sweaty boyfriend, I will turn your cold shower hot.
Yes! Yes, I am! What, you? Going clubbing? Well, it's wrong to deny menkind this, isn't it? Y'know.
Who wouldn't want a bit of this, yeah? You, want a bit? Want a bit of this? I'm aware it's gone weird, camp, and slightly threatening.
Sorry.
Right, scanning for men.
They're everywhere.
OK, be sexy.
Right, for those of us with allure, that's just me, switch it on.
Bang! Allure! Alerticles, be alert.
You'll know when it's a thing.
You'll get a 'this is a thing' signal.
How did she? How does it become a thing? So, never going to be a thing with sort of half bopping.
What am I doing? I look like Thunderbird who needs a wee.
Oh, Stevie, I'm so never getting a boyfriend.
Why do? Come on, Miranda.
Ah, maybe this is a thing? Hi! I'm pretty good at farm noises, yeah.
Let's do a tractor.
Pffffffft! It's not a thing.
Excuse me, lady, you're popping out.
You've got a loose boob! Hi, are you the news reporter? Michael Jackford, reporting from a nightclub he's 20 years too old to attend.
Err, do, do you want a, um Oh, wait for it, I I CAN be down with it, a alcopop? I think I'm ready to claim my jim-jams.
Why are you enduring this? It's a work colleague, it's her leaving do.
Couldn't avoid it.
How about joining 'da yoot' and getting a Maccy-dees? Anything to get out of here.
This will surprise you, little one.
I've found the Marmite.
Get down, armed police.
Agh! Surprise! How is this a surprise face? This is a face of terror from a sudden mock arrest! Well PC Miranda's a bit of a surprise, isn't she? She's a bit feisty and confident with her truncheon.
Spread your legs, please, let's be having you.
Now, just shush all round and no messing.
I'm desperate to hear about last night.
So, tell all.
We stayed up till three.
ME - up till three! And? And? Any kissing? We just talked.
He obviously wasn't interested.
Oh, no, hang on.
Or he was and you didn't see it was a thing and know how to play it.
How will I ever know how to 'play it'? I mean, if only we were peacocks - he'd flash his feathers, I'd assume the position, we'd know where we were.
I just want to be with someone.
Oh, only because of Gary and Rose.
Stop being so jealous.
She's not that bad.
She jogs without a bra.
If I jogged braless, it would look like I was smuggling ferrets in my armpits.
But it's not just Rose.
I mean, it's hard being alone, isn't it? Even the cinema.
You buy your popcorn then you need the loo.
Then there's no-one to hold your popcorn so you have to take into the cubicle, which is weird.
You know what happened the last time.
Free hummus for the over 40s! Sue Barker for Queen! Oh, Miranda.
Now, I need you to be on best behaviour for my campaign.
So, don't get arrested or, tonight at my launch, try not to be there.
So, Kong, saw you with that man at the club.
Oh, sorry, bear with.
Bear with.
Funny photo.
So erm, how did, how did that go? Well There's always Benjy.
First cousin Benjy.
Um I'm the most beautiful goose.
Ssss! No.
And PC Miranda says that we, well, I, for we are one and the same, we shall have a boyfriend for Stevie's Come What You Wanted To Be When You Were Younger Party.
So, call Major Sex and his friend Colonel Pot.
If you have a boyfriend for Stevie's party, I shall fill my pants with custard and I shall do around 200 star jumps.
Darling, what are you going as? Well, when I was younger, I always wanted to be a piece of popcorn.
No, let me explain.
You see, I loved the idea of bouncing You'll understand.
I loved the idea of bouncing about in a saucepan with my friends and then turning in to something beautiful, you know.
What's happening? Are you having a stroke? Erm Hello again, Michael Jackford.
Hello.
I'm just doing my, er, police exercises, er, policercise which, er, IS a thing we do, the police.
The pigs, the filth.
I'm a big old filthy pig.
No, I am a Special Constable, er, volunteer police.
Oh, wow! Yes, so that colleague who's leaving, I needed a gift and when you mentioned the shop I, er but you're busy so don't worry.
See you.
No! That totally was a thing.
That was a thing? He didn't come in here to buy.
He came because it was a thing.
Well, stop saying it's a thing because if I know it's a thing I won't cope.
It's a thing, it's a thing! Hi again.
'Ello 'ello and good moaning.
I thought I'd find that gift, actually.
Sure, yes, we have nick-nacks, nickety-nacks, nick-nackery-noo and all manner of nicky-nacky-noodles.
Flirt.
Be open.
Be open, be open.
Yeah.
Oh! Um, I'm making a bit of a meal out of this.
I'm sitting on something pointy.
I wondered if you wanted to go out tonight? First date in years.
She's desperate.
Work are sending me on a local job.
I mean, it's usually am-dram or something, but it'd be nice to have company and maybe dinner? Shall I pick you up at 6.
30? Great.
OK, see you later.
Hello, Things Analysis? Yes, that was a thing.
We need a date summit immediately.
Focus or it'll go tits up.
Ooh! Sounds positive.
For to feel good inwardly, feel good outwardly.
"Feel good outwardly?" Now, next item on my agenda.
Gaol for anyone sporting a tattoo! Hi! Come join, I'm holding a summit.
Miranda's got a date.
Alleluia! Sorry, confused.
A man who's already spent time with you wants to see you again? Yeah.
Oh, whoa-zone layers! Right, conversational tips.
This year's laugh Oh, no.
.
.
is based on the song Price Tag by Jessica J.
Don't need your money, money, money Forget about the price tag Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha.
Right, um, next item.
Anecdote.
OK.
Yes, an amusing story, show you've had life experiences.
Oh, no, I've got this one covered.
This is amusing.
One time, I got a phone call, someone said, "Miranda?" I said, "Yes.
" He said, "We've got your curtains.
" I thought, "Weird, what curtains?" It was a wrong number.
They weren't MY curtains! They were someone else's curtains! Hey, babe.
Oh, hi, babe! Hey.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, well that's too long.
Have a breadstick.
Come on.
There you go.
So, what are we on? Well, we're all on chairs but We're discussing Gary and I Oh, well, back to you.
.
.
are going on a hotel break.
Oh, well, tell us all about it.
Well, it's at a spa hotel Great! Oh, heavy! So, um, no, we're just discussing, Rose, it's not important but I've got a date, yeah.
Sorry, what's his name? Michael.
Miranda and Michael.
Ooh! They'll call us Miracheal! Miracle! Oooh! Now what are you going to wear? It's all about the look.
Oh! Well I'm not going shopping.
Terrified of it.
Why don't you take Rose with you to hold your hand? I would love that.
Well, I'd love that Right, come on then, quick sticks! Great.
Great, no, that's lovely.
See you later.
Oh, hiya! Hi! Hi! You all right? Yeah.
Stevie, I don't like it.
I mean it's so dark and loud.
Is it a shop or a disco? It's like a discop.
No we're too old.
Well, we can do this.
Don't show us up in front of Rose.
Right.
Hey, Rose, Rose, do you like my new boyfriend? Oh! Oh, it's real! Sorry.
Ooh, smashing can we touch? Inappropriate, sorry.
OK Shop 'n bop! Oh, Miranda.
Perfect! Knock him dead with a little black dress.
Great idea.
I'll get you some Spanx, we'll suck all this in.
Might need full body ones.
(My personal space!) Stevie.
I need a bigger size! Is that the dress? Perfect.
Oh, no.
Why you? Cover yourself up.
That was the dress.
What are you doing? I am just modelling because, you know, I mean, not all of us can.
You Pft! But you know when you're buff.
Someone has left their bag and a clown outfit in the dressing room.
Those are mine! Right, sorry but that is it.
Stop the music, thank you.
And can you stop bopping, we're shopping, not bopping.
Thank you very much.
And this is not a clown outfit.
It may look big but that's because it's worn by the type of woman who sports something you may not have heard of called flesh.
That's flesh.
Because we like something called cake.
Cake.
You should try it.
And if you're young enough for lucky metabolisms, it won't last! Right, can everyone just leave, please? If you're heavy enough to make the automatic doors open.
Huddle together, jump as one.
Just one last thing, please.
Cashier number four, please.
Always wanted to do that.
Why did you put henna on? I got the wrong bottle I thought it was moustache bleach.
Put this on.
Well, how is that going to help? Oh, these Spanx are really hot.
Well, open the door.
Well, this is a good look, isn't it? At least they hold in the wobbly bobbly fleshy bits.
Hi! Sorry, bit early.
No, no, no, I was just trying on a, err This is a wetsuit because I am a scuba diver.
Call me quirky! I'll be with you in a tickety mondo, Mike.
Cringe walk! I had this on! Oh, here? There's bound to be some ghastly posho who wants to ban hoodies from Waitrose.
Why don't I wait next door? Be a shame for me.
Besides, my new boss is here, you'll help me impress him.
Michael.
Hi.
Hi.
Miranda, this is Zavier, my boss.
Hi.
I'm afraid we were just on the PM's attitude to economic growth.
And don't get me started on inflation.
People forget the macro implications of diverting resources from productivity.
Diverting resources from productivity, yeah.
Just repeat sounds like you understand.
There will be another GDP downturn.
Another GDP downturn, yeah.
Must just point Percy at the porcelain.
Must just point Percy at the porcelain.
Sorry! No.
What are you doing here? On my date! Don't say you're my mother.
Don't say you're my daughter.
Worse for me! - You OK? - Hi.
I'm Penny, I'm running for council.
Of course, hello.
This is Miranda.
Hello, very nice to meet you.
Is this your girlfriend? Well, er, date.
Well, I've only just met Miranda but my guess is she has great child bearing hips.
And in the right wedding dress wouldn't look like a transvestite.
I can also say Do you have to? I'd imagine that she's highly inexperienced but would be most satisfactory once you've bedded her in.
Now, Penny, is it wise to have your daughter in such? Oh, you have a daughter? Oh, she's defo pants not here! And what does she think about your foray into politics? I imagine she's thrilled.
I imagine she's mortified but then nothing's new.
Her earliest memory was her parents playing Naked Cluedo.
No-one wants to see their father's Professor Plums.
Zavier, you're looking very well by the way.
Been on holiday, diving trip.
- Oh, Miranda scuba dives.
- Does she? Yes.
Where do you normally dive? In the sea.
Normally in the sea.
Seychelles? Shells.
I know where I recognise you from.
I was shopping with my son earlier, you're that lingerie model, Is she? Yes.
So, Penny, I gather you're keen on more police on the beat? Oh, Miranda would have an opinion on that.
She volunteers as a Special Constable.
Does she? Yes.
Wow! Impressive.
So, in light of the cuts, what do you think should happen with the police? Yes, what would the police say? They'd probably say, "Every breath you take, every move you make, "I'll be watching you.
" Don't sing.
Oh, can't you see You belong to me My poor heart aches Stop there, stop there.
Since you've been gone I've been lost without a trace Everybody! I dream at night I can only see your face I look around Join in! It's you I can't replace I feel so cold and I long for You're not joining? I just keep crying, baby, baby please.
Had to get to that bit! Thank you.
Don't worry, Mike, about the dinner.
I appreciate it's hard to be in public with this.
Neigh, it's a sort of horsey! And your exit move was? Like that and then a kind of Oh, dear.
The thing is, Stevie, I really fancy him.
I know it's silly, I've only just met him, but I just have this hunch about him that he got me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Stevie, have you checked your lottery ticket yet? All the numbers match.
You've won the lottery! So I've won the lottery! I can buy a complete set of Sylvanian Families! No, surprise! No, surprise! You didn't win the lottery, it's just, oh, that's backfired.
Sylvanian Families? I am going to get very short with you in a minute.
Already pretty short.
Oh, sorry, let's cheer with fancy dress, I'm desperate to try the fairy costume.
Oh! Well Hello, Fairy Miranda.
She's a bit flirty and sexy, isn't she? Oh, I've got wings.
Not in a feminine hygiene way.
In a sort of slutty moth, you know.
Ooh, wand, yeah, nice.
Hi! I can make your dreams and wishes come true.
Maybe, you will.
Nice dress.
It's a fairy What are you doing here? Yeah, last night WAS kind of weird, but, um, well something in me needs to work you out.
Call me Marple.
Marple.
Of all the detectives.
Plus I really fancy you.
So How about tonight? Tonight your wishes might be granted.
I shall dig out my little black dress.
Go, slutty moth! She's desperate.
Little black dress, eh? Got a second date! Got a second date! Inadvertently played a blinder.
Invertebrate Too hard.
Got a second date! Got a second date! I said I'd get that little black dress.
How will I? Oh, I'm too scared to go back to those spindly, boppy shoppers.
How will I? How? How? Focus.
I've got it! Move along, please.
Can't bear a street dawdler.
Pull over if you want to text.
Don't ruin the adult face flow.
Let's be having you.
Oi! No, no, no, no, no, Tax evasion is fine really.
Monaco is such fun.
Constable Kong! What are you doing? Need a black dress.
Got a second date.
Let PC Miranda deal with this thank you.
Move aside please.
You ARE causing a breach of the peace.
I will use my powers of arrest, though it suits me.
You're under arrest, madam.
Good one.
Where did you get your cozzies from? It's fun, isn't it? I am arresting you on suspicion of impersonating a police officer.
It's less fun now.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you fail Ooh! Your truncheon doesn't squeak, if you pardon.
To mention when questioned something which you may later rely on in court.
Real arrest! I don't know if it's exciting or scary.
Real gun! Scary! Oh! Scary! Though man in uniform's quite exciting.
No, scary, it is scary cos it's all a bit MUM! Mummy! So, you say this is a fancy dress outfit? Yeah, so we had a new range of fancy dress in my shop and, um Sorry, does this officer ever speak? The silent stare is quite off putting.
Are you going to suddenly shine a lamp in my face and I'll go, "You'll get nothing out of me, pig, I ain't saying nuffink!" I am acting as my daughter's counsel.
Mummy! Officer, I plead to your hearts.
This woman has a second date tonight.
These don't get second dates.
Yes, thank you! She was frisked twice at Gatwick last year and still calls it a holiday romance.
Take pity, she needs to be done by about, shall we say, what I call four o'clock? We really do all call it four o'clock.
Look, just check these details are correct and sign.
Oh, good, we're filing quickly? And then bail? Most likely.
Most likely? But she's never been arrested before.
No criminal activity.
That's not strictly true.
You do have form.
Thank you very much.
It's not a compliment, madam.
Go and get some teas, Davis.
Quote.
"I feel confident as PC Miranda "and flirty as Fairy Miranda.
" I'll go and see if the Sergeant's available.
Darling, swap clothes with me.
No.
I'm not looking like an extra in Midsomer Murders.
Just do it.
Fine.
I'll say it was me who was arrested to the sergeant.
Mum, you can't! At least you'll have an amusing story for your date.
But if you're arrested, your political career is over.
Your love life is more important.
Oh, Mummy! This second date CAN'T go wrong.
Quick! Sarge, it was me what done it.
You're wasting your breath, copper, I ain't yakking.
Go son, go! Now, Sarge.
I wanna fag, I 'ave rights.
Such fun! To staying in and avoiding youth in bars.
You look lovely.
I didn't get the dress but thank you.
So, I've got an amusing story but how was your day? Oh, had an argument before I left work.
Zavier wanted me to talk to the police about someone arrested for impersonating a police officer.
I refused.
I thought "Local nutter alert.
" What was your story? They weren't my curtains! So, Quirky.
Sorry.
Couldn't resist.
So, questions, if I may? Yes, Marple.
Oh, I'd hate you to think I'm a nutter after last night.
Madam, you're still under arrest for impersonating a police officer.
YOU were the impersonator? And escaping custody.
Oh yeah, we did notice that you'd swapped places with your mother.
That's your mother? Back to dreaming of my imaginary knight and what's Stevie's surprise face going to be? Hi, Quirky.
Popcorn? I'm sorry I left last night.
I'm kind of hoping there's an explanation? And I can't judge anyone on their mum.
Oh, please don't.
Turns out my mother wanted to be Cher.
Such fun! I certainly wouldn't want anyone judging me on my dad.
That was the real you in the club that night, wasn't it? I thought so.
Oh, Gary, you haven't met.
This is Mike, my.
.
Boyfriend? Oh, I'm an idiot.
Too soon.
I had a hunch and thought, "Go for it.
" Sorry, back track.
No, I'm also with hunch.
This is Mike MY BOYFRIEND! Quick, surprise face! Take a photo.
Pinch me! Finally! Miracle! Wow! So are you happy? Yeah.