Bottom (1991) s03e03 Episode Script

Who'd have believed it? A late booking, standby, 75% discount! That's what you get for haggling! A kick in the bollocks? He merely fell and steadied himself by putting his boot into my testicles! Ow! There's no arguing with that.
75% discount on a heat seeker's bronze-athon! A nine-day special of sun, sea, sand and sex! Bridlington won't know what's hit it! Look at that.
Only 25 minutes to the beach! By car.
- I thought Bridlington was on the coast.
- It is.
So it means 25 minutes from Bridlington.
Hmm.
What's the address? Doncaster.
I've never been there, but it sounds romantic.
And, hey, Eddie, it's got a "dong" in it! Lucky omen! We're in the luck all right.
If we hadn't been spotted filling our glasses from the drip tray, we'd never have scarpered down that alley and bumped into Dodgy Bob McMayday, the most violent travel agent in the world.
It only cost us £4,000! We haven't actually got £4,000, have we? That's why he gave us a good deal.
What, give him the money by Christmas or we die? Yeah! Oh, we're going on holiday! God, it's so exciting! The coach leaves at midnight.
Put the kettle on and I'll make a list of what we need to nick for the beach.
Number one, suntan lotion.
We're going to Bridlington - well, Doncaster.
We won't need suntan lotion! Yes Drizzle oil, then! Gloom juice! Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Wind smear! Wind smear? We don't need to take the contents of your underpants.
Well, actually, that's where you're wrong.
If you think carefully about it, we WILL need to take the contents of my underpants! Aren't we having a great time? That's what makes the English great - laughing at adversity.
If we were millionaires living in Bermuda, we wouldn't have found that funny.
No.
What else do we need for the beach? - Tetanus jabs.
- Ooh, yes! Better make an appointment to see Dr Wildthroat for a booster.
- He's not a doctor of medicine.
- I know, but he's cheap.
He gave you rabies last year.
But it only cost three quid.
Beggars can't be choosers! No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture.
What else? Industrial wellingtons.
Gas masks.
Full radiation suits, really.
It's not like it was in my childhood.
Ooh! Condoms! We can take last year's, can't we? Have we got any left? Yeah.
All of 'em.
Thank God for that.
I just hate going to the chemist's.
Keep thinking my mum will find out.
Buying johnnies is a constant embarrassment.
What do you mean? You've only done it once and that was in 1977.
It was a bloody convincing performance.
That shop assistant thought I was French.
Maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well.
Well, maybe my mime was a little indistinct.
It was worth a day trip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us.
It was a long way round just to buy a pack of johnnies we never use, but there's been no piles in this house since 1977! Yeah.
We can sit down with a thump as merrily as we like! And we've still got the johnnies as a souvenir! - Hooray! - That's what makes the English great.
- What, not having piles? - Yes! - Richie, you have gone insane.
- I'm just over-excited about the holiday.
- I wonder what we'll do? - The same as we normally do.
Sit about in the boarding house till the rain stops, then dash to the bookies.
Yeah! I can't wait! Do you think the landlady will be like the one we had last year? What, you mean dead? No, I mean before the accident.
Did you ever get your lighter back? No, they kept it for the inquest.
Did they? She was a sweetheart, wasn't she? Do you remember her last words? "Mr Hitler, do you know anything about gas leaks?" Click, click, click, boom! Still, it was the first time we were warm on that holiday.
- Yes, yes.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Right.
Where shall we put the tickets so we can't find them? That was the wrong way round! I'm getting so over-excited! I'd better sit down.
Da-da! Another victory for the piles cream! Where is the safest place in the house? - In the tin with the johnnies.
- Of course.
You're a genius, Eddie! There.
Right, I'm off upstairs to try on me swimming trunks.
Give 'em an airing.
Get 'em used to the old swagger.
That'll give me enough time to make a deviously mischievous phone call.
That's right, Cher, me proud Hollywood beauty.
A two-week bunk up with me in sunny Doncaster.
I'll bring the vodka.
You bring those saucy bits of string.
What do you say? Yes? Oh, God! If only this was plugged in! Eddie! Eddie! Help! I've got my swimming trunks on.
I have no particular interest in seeing them.
The thing is, they're so tight, I can't get 'em off.
It feels like I'm being garrotted.
I hope I don't sneeze.
I'll be sliced in three! All right.
I'll get the pepper and a camera.
Eddie, this is no laughing matter! God, I mustn't shout! I nearly ingested myself then! You've got to help me get 'em off.
What? Let's have a look, then.
There.
Where are they? That's the thing.
They're so tight, you can't actually see them.
I know they're on - I can feel 'em.
Boy, can I feel 'em! They must be somewhere under all these folds.
All right.
Close, close! What colour are they? They were yellow when I put 'em on.
- Bend over and I'll get me tool kit.
- Thanks, Eddie.
Why did you make me buy a thong? Here goes.
I think I've got a purchase.
- I'll have to burn them off.
- Anything.
Just make it quick.
I'm losing consciousness.
My legs are going to sleep.
Well, this should wake them up.
Aagh! There we go.
There we are.
Here's the little fella that was causing all the trouble.
Thank God they're off! In future, I'll have to own up to not being quite a 26 waist any more! 26? What's that in, feet, yards, miles? Look at that! Who invented the thong? Sadist! It's like wrapping cheese wire round your tackle.
Even though I had it on, I could still be done for indecent exposure.
Hey, that's a thought, Eddie.
Do you think Bridlington's topless? No.
You should bring your bra.
Ha-ha-ha OK, so my pectorals are a little flabby at the moment.
That is a point, Eddie.
Us guys, we're going to Bridlington to get laid, right? One snag.
Not many people are gonna want to shag two fat, balding, sweaty rubber johnnies full of custard, are they? - No.
- No, because we're not rich.
If we want to score, we'll have to hit that beach like two greased cougars from the planet Big Bollocks who've just been sacked from The Chippendales for being too sexy! - Tricky.
- Exactement, mon brave.
Nil desperandum.
There's a way out of everything.
- Yeah, usually the lavvy window.
- Shut up.
To achieve the bod that birds will kill to wriggle on, we've only one option.
Buy them 17 gin and tonics and lie about our income? No, Eddie.
We're going to have to lose some weight.
- Why don't you just stay at home? - Right.
Where's my manuals? "Joy of Sex", "More Joy of Sex", "Cooking in the Nude" Here we are.
"German Luftwaffe Air Force Exercises".
- This belonged to my dad.
- Was he in the war? Very much so.
He got hit during the Blitz, you know.
Did he? Yes.
By an air raid warden.
He wouldn't turn his light out.
Good old Dad.
He won the fight! My mum and dad, Eddie My mum and dad There was a romance.
It was a fleeting wartime romance.
- They were only together - Five minutes? If that.
Ships in the night, Eddie.
Ships in the night.
He was pissed.
Wandered into the Ladies.
Off came her winceyettes.
The johnnie machine jammed.
Bim, bam, bom, whiff of cordite and he was off.
Well, it's all a load of bollocks, isn't it? Yeah, it's all a load of bollocks.
Come on! 20 Luftwaffe press-ups! Un, deux, trois and achtung! How are you doing? Have you started? Yeah.
- How's it going? - Like a dream.
The sort where you can't do press-ups? - That's the one, yes.
- We'll build up to that one.
We'll do some sit-ups.
Hands behind your head and after three One, two, three, and Better skip that one as well.
It's a wonder they could get into their aeroplanes after all this! No wonder they lost the bloody war! Where did your dad get this book from? It's hard to tell.
My dad moved in some very mysterious circles.
He had one leg shorter than the other.
Here's an inscription.
"For all ze good vork you are doing for ze cause.
"Keep it up.
Mum's ze word.
Adolf.
" My dad, Oswald Richard.
They don't make 'em like that any more! We'll have to change tack.
Only 12 hours to go and I've got to lose three stone.
- Shall I try combining food? - What with? - Lager? The telly? - I know.
I'm gonna get some liposuction! Not from me, you're not, matey! Get a grip! Get the Hoover and let's do it.
- Are you sure this is wise? - What do you mean? They do this in Hollywood all the time.
- Do they? - Fire her up.
Now, nice gentle circular motions around the hip area.
Right you are.
That's good.
That's working.
Put it on blow! Put it on blow! You dirty, dirty bastard! Quick, Eddie, hurry! I've nearly reached the bag! Wagh! They do that in Hollywood all the time? Blimey! No wonder they're all members of the 12-inch Club! - We'll have to change tack again.
- How do you mean? Look around any modern gym, what do you see? Loads of birds with funny underpants right up their crack.
- No.
- Right up.
- Right up! - Yes, yes.
That's lovely, Eddie, but what else do you see? I don't see anything else.
Not until the police arrive and prise me off the window.
I got a good 30 minutes out of that last tube of Superglue! Weights, that's what you see.
Weights and lifting machines.
And that's what we have here! This machine will exercise your pecs, your tecs, your fibula, your timula, your primula - Dairy Lea? - Everything! What's that Greek one with the holes in it? - Nana Mouskouri? - That's it.
It'll do that without stretching your todger out to three and a half foot! Let's get on with it.
40 minutes on this and Charles Atlas will be committing suicide! Ease up on a couple of yoghurts in there, would you? - Righty-ho, Charles.
- What about that huge wobbly jelly? Well, you're standing over there.
How am I looking, Eddie? Like a vast mountain of Vaseline with a heart condition that's lifted the fridge a millimetre off the ground.
- Hey, no gain without pain! - Hang on.
What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynam! Help me lift the fridge.
I want to see Des's hammerhead! Grab hold of this and give it a bloody good yank! Now, this machine should increase your stamina and lower body strength so that you can lift the fridge and look at Desmond's plonker! OK, Eddie, fire her up.
I'll just take her up to a steady 70.
Ease up gently on the running.
I'm just about to brake.
I should have said that earlier, really.
I've just got to answer the front door, Rich.
You just have a bit of a lie down.
Get your breath back.
And your teeth.
They're over there by the lamppost.
All right! Christ Almighty! It's like walking down a corridor and answering the door in Nazi Germany! Have you ever thought how beautiful the world is? Yes, I have.
Thank you.
Charming man.
- Edward Hitler! - It's all right, Richie.
All the birds love a scar.
Really? It's your lucky day, then, buster! Let's see how much mischief you can get up to without any legs! Look at the time! I've got to pack! I've got to lose three stone! There ain't enough hours in the day! I'd better take the open crotch ones as well, just in case.
Is that everything? No, the sink! There we are.
It's not the kitchen one but it will have to do.
Wallpaper! Will they have wallpaper in Doncaster? Better safe than sorry.
It's the north, isn't it? They've probably ripped theirs down and put it into a hotpot or made it into clogs.
Good! Eddie! Could you give me a hand with these suitcases? Wagh! Good.
Saved a bit of time, too.
Eddie, what are you doing? I'm sewing my legs back on.
I thought you were masturbating again.
Bugger.
I've sewn them on the wrong way round! Must I do everything myself? All right.
Here we go.
I'll chop your legs off again I'll sew 'em back on Clench! Agh! Come on.
Spit spot.
Give me the needle.
Give me the thread.
It's not a hobby of mine this, you know! Don't let it happen again.
I nearly kissed you on the knob then! Right.
The coach leaves at midnight.
What time is it now? - Five o'clock.
- Right.
Thanks.
So that only gives us seven hours.
Oh, God, I hope we don't miss it! Right.
Set the clock.
Just keep your eye on the clock all the time.
It's only seven hours.
Did I pack?! Yes, of course I did! That's an easy mistake to make! - Are you packed? - Certainly am.
Never had any complaints.
I mean, are you packed for the holiday? - Oh, yes.
That as well.
- Good.
Where are your bags? I haven't got any bags.
I am wearing everything I need.
Well, everything I have, actually.
But, Eddie What about spares? I'm wearing them as well.
Are you mad? What if you have an accident? I'll go to the hospital.
No.
I mean a trouser accident.
Well, I'll wear yours.
I'm in mine! Oh, enough mindless trouser banter! Have you got the wind break? No, it's just the way my underpants were ironed.
What about that thing that keeps the wind out? - What, a cork? - It's getting too trouserial around here! For God's sake, just concentrate on the clock! Just concentrate on it! Oh, God! Oh, God! Have I done everything? Uh! Oh! Milk! Milk! Thank God I remembered! Sorry, Constable! Charming! It's no wonder programmes like "The Bill" take the piss out of you! How are you doing? Still feeling tense? - Increasingly so.
- Good.
Keep it that way.
Look, look! There's only six hours 58 minutes to go now! I suggest we just sit here quietly in silence and wait for our holiday to start, OK? How long does it take to get to the bus station? Hang on.
I'll go and find out.
Thanks, Eddie.
Haven't quite got used to these legs yet.
I'll just take my darts in case.
Come on! Come on! There you go.
Three hours and 15 minutes.
I don't understand it.
The bus station's only two streets away.
Yeah, well Hic! The wind was against me.
Isn't it always, young man? All right.
I'll give it a go.
On your marks, get set, go, baby! A-ha-ha! There you are, Eddie.
Twelve and a half minutes!Eddie? Eddie? What's this? It's a note.
"Der Richie.
I am in the pube with the holiday monkey.
Run, run, run!" Poor sad git! Oh, no! He means the holiday money! Shit! Shit! You've been drinking, haven't you? How dare you? How dare you accuse me of drinking-ninge? Me, your oldest pal and matey old skip! Old bus fart tram ticket, one-for-the-road bag of scratchings! Oops-a-daisy! We'll keep a welcome in the valet parking Mr David "childish" Jensen! ME, drinking-ninge? Why, I'll tear you limb from limb! You have, haven't you? Yeah.
Well, you listen to me, young man.
Listen up, mister, and listen up good, 'cause you're grounded! Yeah, I know.
Eddie, how could you do this on our holiday day? Concentrate! You've just got to stay sober for the next five minutes.
That's when our holiday starts! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! E D D I E! H I T L E R! FULL STOP! Please, God! I just want to look at Desmond Lynam's todger! Help me out this once and I'll believe in you for ever and ever.
Bloody hell, it's working! Only kidding! Wow! Don't get off the sofa! Oh, dear, oh, dear, Richie.
The frigidaire appears to have fallen upon your bonce.
You won't be able to go on the holiday now, will you? Don't worry.
I'm sure I can find an alternative use for your ticket.
Come out of there, voluptua of dubious morals! Let us hurry us to Hammersmith bus station.
We have but three minutes to go.
I can't wait to get to Bridlington for the snogging and mindless drinking! That's my bird! You bastard, Eddie! It's not even Desmond Lynam.
It's you in a wig! - You bastard! - Yep, that's me!