Glee s05e01 Episode Script

I gotta meet a gang of people at my mother's saloon.
You wanna come? It's a party for me.
Honest.
- I'd love to.
- Really? You mean it? - Why? Have you changed your mind? - No, no.
I mean, I know it isn't every day that a glorified Ziegfeld girl like me asks you out.
Thank you, Rachel.
That was lovely.
That's it? All we needed to see.
It was a pleasure reading with you.
And I loved you as Lancelot.
I saw the revival of Camelot three times.
Four if you include the bootleg that my friend Kurt has, so.
Thanks.
Well, Paolo, you're a Tony winner.
What do you think? Oh, she's charming, and she certainly looks right for the part.
I just fear that she's too young, you know? Too green.
That is my concern as well.
Lack of experience.
She'd be a discovery, but it's such a risk.
I mean, that part, it's a mountain.
At her age, I never could have pulled it off.
Now where did we leave it with Claire Danes's people? I don't think we've ever spent two weeks on an assignment, Mr.
Schue.
Hey, the Beatles are so epic that we need two weeks to do them justice.
This week is all about the early years of the Beatles when all they had was a belief in each other and a belief that together they could do anything.
Uch.
The school year seems like it's never-ending and now we're wasting two whole weeks on a band from the 1940s? Seriously, can anyone still relate to the Beatles? - Pretty much the entire world.
- Yeah.
I can definitely still relate.
- Yeah.
- Why? Were the Beatles dyslexic and catfished by transsexuals? And you wonder why everybody hates you.
When George Harrison was a kid, he was made fun of 'cause his dad was a bus driver.
John Lennon's dad wasn't even around.
He walked out of John's life when he was five.
I don't really know the Beatles.
I'm a little on the black side.
And Ringo Starr was a sickly little kid which probably means he was sitting down a lot.
And they decided to form a band, which changed the world.
You guys are gonna have to challenge yourselves this week.
Bring your A+ games.
Perform these classic songs in new and exciting ways.
If we can push ourselves to a whole new level, like the Beatles did constantly we can win back-to-back national championships and form a New Directions dynasty.
All right.
See you guys tomorrow.
Tina.
And speaking of- Your chariot awaits.
We are moving slower than Jonah Hill trying to get out of a bathtub.
And everyone is staring.
Yeah.
At our hotness.
You know, I never thanked you for making me come clean with my mom.
I'm going to the Brooklyn Film Academy because of you and, to thank you, I want to take you to Breadstix.
Besides, we both know that the raw animal attraction between us is undeniable.
Did you really just say that? No wonder Tina broke up with you.
And Brittany and Sugar and the girl in the wheelchair with the disturbingly massive boobs.
And, P.
S.
, I hate Breadstix.
Okay.
Well, there's a carnival in town.
That could be fun.
Yeah.
If you want to trust your life to toothless carnies who operate the rides.
Okay.
So is that a yes or a no? Ice-cold lemonade! I like the pink one.
Hey, Kitty Cat.
Girl, you crashed into me head on.
I swear you could have paralyzed me.
My bad.
I'm Bree, spelled with two E's.
- Not like the funky cheese.
- Artie.
You two were so cute, all snuggly and cuddled up in that teeny-tiny car.
- Are you two going out? - Nope.
Just friends.
Well, you should.
You look really sweet together.
I hope you don't mind.
I took a couple pictures and Instagrammed them.
Anyway, have fun.
She seems nice.
She's a stone-cold bitch, and she's out to destroy me.
Okay.
You and me, we're more than just friends.
What if we go out, but we do it on the down-low? You know, like secretly gay conservatives do? It'll make everything all fun and forbidden.
So you like me but you don't want to be seen with me.
I need status at this school to survive.
Yeah.
- This was a mistake.
- Okay.
Now, Rachel, you are not backing out.
Now, I basically had to show Gunther my left side boob to get you this job.
Here.
Put this on.
Look, Santana, while I really appreciate you freely prostituting yourself for me that was before my world came crashing down and I totally blew my Funny Girl chemistry read.
You're late, Lopez.
- Yes, yes.
I know.
Sorry, Gunther.
- Is that her? Yes.
This is her.
Rachel, that's Gunther.
- Hi.
- Don't tell him if you're Jewish or black.
You said it yourself a bazillion times.
- You want to get to Broadway, you have to pay your dues.
- Oh.
Well, I mean, I guess that's true.
Patti LuPone was a waitress pre-Evita.
And, you know, this is the Spotlight Diner and it's on Broadway and the waiters get to sing and dance.
Plus, my dads will pay my rent till I die.
I don't want that anymore, because I want to be grown up and living and making it on my own.
We're basically working actresses.
So, you excited to go back to school? Yeah.
Fashion Week is coming up.
But this farewell picnic's been perfect though.
What's the story with this New York guy? There's no story.
He was nice and people liked the idea of us as a couple but it never got serious.
Let me break it down for you.
The last time we tried dating I was in New York and you cheated on me.
- All right? Unacceptable.
- We've been through this.
I thought you were done with me.
I thought it was over.
I thought I was completely out of the picture in your life.
Look at me in the eyes when I say this.
I'm being beyond serious.
I will never, ever, ever cheat on you again.
I'm gonna need you to sign one of those non-cheating contracts.
You can get one on Oprah's Web site.
I will sign whatever you want just, please, say that you and I can be boyfriends again.
- What? - I don't know if relationships actually work.
I mean, weren't Bethenny and Jason supposed to be forever? For every Bethenny and Jason, there is a Will and a Jada and a- a Kurt and a Goldie.
Come on.
Can we at least just give it a try? - But I'm Goldie, of course.
- Of course you are.
Okay.
I can't believe we're gonna do this again.
I was hoping you'd say yes.
Actually, I was kinda planning on it which is why I sort of put something together to convince you to stay a little longer.
No.
No, no.
That's not gonna happen.
Okay? I-I'm not sitting down and listening to you sing to me anymore.
Okay.
Which is why I prepared something.
America, your prayers have been answered.
Sue Sylvester is back at McKinley.
Sure I enjoyed my time away but once Becky Jackson fessed up and started serving her month-long suspension the school begged me to return.
But I knew if I was gonna come back I had to come back big-time, in a "next level" way.
Welcome back, Coach Sylvester.
It's Principal Sylvester.
I broke into Figgins's office and planted incriminating evidence of every conceivable variety.
We've had some complaints.
Oh, Mr.
Roberts.
What's going on? - I think you have a few things in your desk.
- What's going on? Gambling receipts.
Porno mags.
We're gonna be here for a while.
Gay porno mags.
Gay foot-fetish porno mags.
- It's not mine! I'm telling you it's not mine.
- That's puppy porn.
I go to church every Sunday, for God's sake.
A polygamous marriage certificate.
A bill of sale granting campus drilling rights to a fracking company.
An autographed copy of Mein Kampf.
I-I'm telling you, I am innocent! Our hands are tied, Mr.
Figgins.
Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? Well, Superintendent Harris, I have to say, I'm truly humbled.
We're in a pinch here, Coach and you're a proven champion.
You've led this school before as interim principal.
If all goes well, after a few months I see no reason why this position shouldn't become permanent.
Do I feel guilty about what I did? Not at all.
Jesus said it best.
The end justifies the means.
Last time I was acting principal I squandered an opportunity for greatness.
This time, I'm going to get it right.
You're a monster, Sue Sylvester! Okay.
Listen up, everybody.
Come on.
Blaine has a very special announcement to make.
That's right.
So, as most of you know already Kurt and I are officially back together.
I know.
But what most of you don't know- and this is top secret- is that I'm going to ask Kurt to marry me.
Yeah.
Guys, come on.
Get up.
Come on, guys.
This is my best friend.
Gay marriage good.
It's good.
It's good things.
They're all happening so fast.
Let's go.
Sam, not now.
Anyway, I want this proposal to be just incredible.
So I'm asking for all of your help.
But I'm also asking for some of our competitors' help like The Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline and the Haverbrook School for the Deaf.
Vocal Adrenaline? No, ma'am.
The Warblers are evil incarnate little craps- Are you crazy? Are you insane? Good God, have you lost your mind? Hey, Tina.
Everybody.
Hear him out.
Look.
I want this to be more than just an ordinary proposal.
I want this to be a cultural statement.
- Sure you do.
- Hey, our generation is at a turning point.
People everywhere, except, like, Russia are beginning to see that it doesn't matter who you are or where you're from or even what God you believe in.
They're beginning to see that people really aren't all that different.
And, honestly, if we can get a bunch of cutthroat show choirs to stand side by side and unite in something then anything is possible.
Okay, okay, but Blaine is just using the world of rival glee clubs as a metaphor for this incredible time we're in right now.
I still think you're too young.
We need an official vote but in the spirit of brotherhood and cleaning up our tarnished reputation I think we'd all be happy to help.
Uh, Trent.
We said I'd do the talking.
All in favor of helping Blaine? Aye! Artie, we've been friends for a long time, so I'm just gonna ask.
Are you and Kitty an item? What? No.
I mean, yes.
I mean, maybe.
I'm unclear.
It's sort of this secret affair we're not really supposed to talk about.
- Yes.
I knew it! Why? Why can't you? - Lower your voice, Tina.
Because Kitty's uncomfortable with people knowing she's dating- Someone who wears glasses? Who's in a wheelchair? Who's in Glee Club? - Where's your self-respect? - Tina.
I know you're trying to help, at least I think you are so I'm gonna say thank you, but butt the hells out.
All right.
Got your burger and your salad.
Enjoy.
Oh, my God.
You are not gonna believe this text I just got from Blaine.
You are not gonna believe who's sitting in my section.
Mmm.
I'll take this.
Okay.
So we have one Roxie and one Velma with a side of Billy Flynns.
Yes.
It's me and, yes, it's awkward, but I don't care because I am a professional even when people are calling me too young or-or green which for your information, I'm not.
- I am- - A star.
- Yes.
I am a star.
- Rachel, look.
It's not personal.
Everyone thinks they're a star, even when they're not.
Look around.
They all wanna be on Broadway.
I'm not saying you're not a star.
Just saying I'm not sure just yet.
I understand.
I guess I'll just have to prove it to you then.
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait.
After all of that? We have to go home.
There's something special we need to do.
I don't know what you're so nervous about.
She's not going after the Cheerios.
It's the Glee Club she hates.
Bitch, please.
Sue Sylvester's had it out for me since day one.
I took her job.
Remember? I just know she's dug up all kind of dirt on me.
What kind of dirt? Number one, this bronze damn Olympic medal in individual synchronized swimming I won at them Chinese Olympics may have been the result of some performance-enhancing drugs and weed.
Number two, I may have perpetrated a buttload of credit card fraud an old lady in Florida may have paid for my condo and I might have just flat-out stole my Lexus off a used car lot.
Well, then, yeah.
We're both screwed.
Sue's gonna take out the Glee Club and the Cheerios in one fell swoop.
Oh, now why on earth would I do something like that, Butt-chin? Because you are vindictive and petty.
Oh, you're forgetting one thing, William.
I have been given the post of interim principal at this school a post that will be made permanent at the end of the year if all goes according to plan, allowing me to demolish this office down to the studs ridding it once and for all of the deep ethnic musk that is Figgins's hallmark.
Now, in order to achieve that I need the programs at this school to be successful.
I need the teams at McKinley High to be winners.
Wait, wait.
You're not firing us? Not if you win a national championship, I'm not.
However, if you fail to win at nationals, I will fire you and you'll be forced to build creepy relationships with teenagers on your own time.
And you, you'll have to go back to being a full-time spokesmodel for Billy Dee Williams yellow hair helms for women who couldn't possibly be less blonde.
Congratulations, you're on my watch now, which means you're winners.
Okay, guys.
Week one of our Beatles fest has been epic.
I think we've really unpacked what made the Fab Four such an instant sensation but now I want to turn to their oft ignored middle period.
Mr.
Schue, would you say that the early Beatles looked out for each other even when they didn't want to be looked out for? Oh, God, no.
Well, if I understand your question, Tina yes, the early Beatles always had each other's backs.
In that case, I'm sorry, Artie, but this is for your own good.
Everyone, Kitty and Artie are dating but Kitty's making Artie hide it because she's embarrassed by him and I think that's emotional abuse.
Artie is a great guy, and he deserves to be loved openly and proudly and without conditions.
For once, we agree.
It's true.
Arthur and I are dating.
We are? Officially? And for the record, and not that it's anyone's business especially not yours, Tina Cohen-Agitator - I did want to keep it hush-hush.
- Because you were ashamed.
Yes, Memoirs of a Lame Geisha because I occupy a certain place in the McKinley hierarchy and you all occupy a different, lesser place in that hierarchy and before exploding said hierarchy by jumping up and down on Oprah's couch declaring my undying love for someone who is let's face it, not my usual body type I wanted to be sure.
Of what? That I really, really liked him.
And that I would be willing to risk not just my social standing but also getting hurt by letting him wheel into my heart.
And even though I know he's getting ready to graduate and we're probably just as doomed as every other sad, broken, backwards relationship that's ever started in this Jesus and love-forsaken choir room.
Kurt and I will have a happy ending.
But I do like you, Artie.
You make me laugh and not just with those stupid YouTube fail videos you're always showing me.
Look, asking you to keep our stuff private wasn't cool, and I'm sorry.
It's okay, Kitty.
But, um, as far as, like, updating my Facebook status- Yes.
We are officially, publicly, shockingly a thing.
Whoo! Do any of you know why I called you in here? Um, is it to get prepared in case the North Koreans invade through Mexico? I-I just saw Red Dawn, okay? It could happen.
One of our own has turned into a mean, bitter and angry person.
- Tina.
- She didn't used to be like this.
She was a sweet girl who dated Artie until he dumped her because he found out she was faking her stutter.
And then she dated Mike Chang until he dumped her because she wasn't Asian enough or something.
- Wait.
Is that really why he dumped her? - Yeah.
The point is is that it's time for us to step in.
She's falling apart.
I walked by the Too Young to Be Bitter Club meeting this morning and she was the only one in there.
Those cakes are truly awesome.
Dude, those things were moist and chocolaty at the same time.
Totally.
Totally.
This isn't about the cakes.
I know how good they are.
- This is about us trying to help Tina.
- No, of course, Blaine.
Even though this is all clearly your fault whatever you think we should do, we're in.
Oh, settling in nicely then, are we? I think you've found your calling and "Janitor Figgins," I think, has a quiet dignity to it.
You're not gonna get away with this, Sue.
I believe I already have, and considering all the scandalous behavior that I recently uncovered I would say you are lucky to have a job at all.
You had better be nice to Donna, my longtime secretary.
That woman is a saint, and she is my rock.
Well, I'm afraid Donna isn't long for this world.
As soon as she returns from her suspension I plan on installing Becky as my secretary.
And I will refer to her as "my Beckretary.
" What is that? That? Well, that's just a five-gallon bucket of expired Grade D meat slurry the poor kids at this school were forced to eat every Taco Tuesday under the jackboot of that corrupt, decadent regime from which they were recently liberated by one Sue Rodham Sylvester.
- That's not your middle name.
- Oh, yes, it is.
I had it legally changed this morning.
Now, what would you like me to do with this canister of rancid horse offal? No.
Sue, please, no.
No! Sue Sylvester! You're a monster! What is happening and why did you make me wear this? I had to break out one of the Grease costumes.
Tina, I'm Paul.
That's George, that's Ringo and black John Lennon.
Half black.
We love you and this is for you.
One, two, three, four.
Come on.
Dance.
Hey! That was awesome but I don't understand what it was for.
Well, we saw how lonely you've been lately.
And since we're the only single guys left in Glee Club- And by single, we mean single prom dates we just wanted to offer our services as dance partner or corsage buyer or just general arm candy for the big dance.
So you can pick one, and it's your choice.
Obviously, I'm excluded.
Well, it's hard to pick.
Ryder has arms and Blaine is my boo but I think I'll go with Sam because he's the least gay and least Asian of all of you and I'm looking to change my patterns.
Seriously, though, thank you, guys.
I really needed this.
- Bring it in.
- Tina.
- I love you.
- Thank you, boo.
No excuses.
Mwah.
Look, I know we usually take the highway to the airport but somebody told me about this shortcut through the back roads.
Dad, you can stop it.
I know you're driving me to my surprise proposal.
I should have known you knew.
You're the kid who planned his own surprise party for his 10th birthday.
That Justin Timberlake piñata was a perfect likeness.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
You okay? You look like I'm driving you to your execution.
I can't tell.
I mean, I really love Blaine.
He makes me feel so connected and so safe and loved.
I don't think I'm ever gonna find someone else who's gonna make me feel like that.
But we're both so young.
Well, your mom and I met when we were 22 and I asked her to marry me six months in.
We were just kids.
Yeah.
It was really hard at first.
You know, you go in with all these fantasies about what your life together is gonna be like- nothing but laughing and dancing around in your underwear, cooking pasta.
Sex.
A lot of sex.
It's hard being married though.
It's hard enough being in your 20s.
Do you wish you waited? Not one second more.
I wish I'd met her 10 years earlier.
I didn't know then that I was only gonna get so much time with her.
That she was gonna leave us so soon.
I'd take 50 more years of late-night fights about, you know, me working late or the gas bill or her letting the milk go bad for just 10 more minutes with her next to me.
We only get a few days when you come down to it, Kurt.
You know that better than anyone.
Look, totally being honest here.
Blaine asked me what I thought about this, and I gave him my opinion.
Which was? My opinion doesn't matter here.
You're your own man now.
But giving you a choice means you gotta make one.
So relax.
Hear what the guy has to say.
I mean, all you gotta do is say yes, no or maybe.
Is there another option? We met right here.
I took this man's hand, and we ran down that hallway.
And for those of you that know me know I'm not in the habit of taking people's hands I've never met before, but I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn't know yet.
It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other fearlessly and forever.
Which is why it's never really felt like I've been getting to know you.
It's always felt like I was remembering you from something.
As if, in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived we have chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again.
Over and over, for all eternity.
And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I wanna do, all I've ever wanted to do is spend my life loving you.
So, Kurt Hummel my amazing friend my one true love will you marry me? Yeah.
Yeah.