Weeds s08e12 Episode Script
It's Time (1)
Little boxes on the hillside little boxes made of ticky-tacky little boxes on the hillside little boxes all the same there's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one and they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same and the people in the houses all went to the university where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same and there's doctors and lawyers and business executives and they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same So, I think it's really important that we remember that this isn't about safety.
It's about fear.
Our children do not need to wear helmets to play soccer.
They're not helmets.
They're headgear.
And do you know how many children suffered concussions this year? I believe it was one.
Your child.
And I'm really sorry, but it wasn't even when he was heading the ball.
It was when he ran into the goalpost, so Dude.
That's not true.
- Is that the widow? - Yep.
She was married to that rabbi who went over the cliff on Avernous Road.
Oh.
Swerved to avoid a bear.
I heard about that.
protects against concussions.
She's the one who owns all those stores.
They're hot and sweaty and expensive, and you can't properly head in them.
She's rich and thin.
Your wife's rich.
My wife's a potato.
A smoothie maker.
Look, we're all here every day giving our time to the school.
- Who's her kid? - Steve Bloom.
Now suddenly there's an issue that affects your kid, and you show up? Yes.
I'm here to argue for the interests of my child.
I think the rabbi adopted him.
Our children are in middle school.
They don't need us here every single day.
Okay, well, I'd like to put it to a vote.
I wonder if she's lonely.
All those in favor of protective headgear for the soccer team, please say "aye.
" - Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
You wonder away there, buddy.
Well You still can't force them to wear it.
Okay.
We'll see.
- So how'd it go? - The team is getting helmets, but that doesn't mean you have to wear one.
That is total bullshit.
I want to go to Minnesota.
Stevie, it's been a really, really hard year for both of us, but I'm not sending you to boarding school.
I can't play spring soccer looking like a retard.
Did-- did you tell them you can't head in those things? I did.
I did.
But it's not over yet, okay? Of course it is.
They're gonna make us wear them, and my game is gonna suck, and I'll start hating soccer, so I'll quit, and then I'll just end up working in one of your stores like those zombies who worship Uncle Doug.
Sounds like a plan.
Mom.
I'm-- I'm serious.
I sent in the application.
Stevie, can we not do this now, please? The academics are really good, too.
Stevie! After tomorrow, I'm a man.
How about we get through your Bar Mitzvah and then we discuss the rights and privileges of your new adult status? Think about it.
We can skip the teen-angsty time where I eventually start to hate you, and we could just have happy holidays.
It's so much healthier.
We spend way too much time together.
You're gonna make me gay.
Go back to class, all right? I'll pick you up at 3:00.
_ I'm sure that there's goat's milk at my mom's house.
_ Hey.
Hey.
I'm not angry at her.
Why should you be? _ If you love me, you'll try to get along.
Please.
_ We're here for Stevie's Bar Mitzvah.
Not business.
- Next, please.
- Pbht.
_ Speaking of which, uh, pack of puff dragons, please.
You hear that, Flora? It's time for you to give me back mama's boobies.
Don't tell her that.
Timmy, what don't you want to tell me? You have to pick up the cake yourself tomorrow.
There's time between the service and the party.
What the F? Can't you get it for me? No.
You know I can't.
I have to maintain my boundaries.
Saturdays and Sundays off.
What else? Do you know what time Andy's flight gets in? Uh, Silas handled all the correspondence with him.
All I know is that he RSVP'd yes.
Anyhoo, the caterer is on her way.
You have meetings with two new cup distributors on Monday, and here is a stack of stuff to sign.
Legal wants to talk to you about allegations of serving minors in stores 14 and 43, and the deejay got your playlist, but he said that he won't play the Hava Nagila.
He says that it's a cliché.
It's tradition.
Make him play it.
Fine.
What else? After this meeting, you're all clear.
But you do have a date on Tuesday with a game theory strategist named Norman Hass.
He's 60, divorced, two grown kids, runs half-marathons, likes to cook.
Oh, God.
But, I can always cancel.
No.
All right, then, we'll talk Monday.
You have a great weekend, Nancy.
Don't forget dry cleaner on your way home.
Thank you, Tim.
Taste-testing the product? Virgin.
Got to keep my wits about me.
Not me.
I'm higher than a Georgia pine 24/7.
Perfect.
How's life in Dixie? Oh.
It's the fucking third world.
I fear for my people, Nance.
Rest of the country has healthcare, has marijuana, and tax revenue from marijuana.
My dumbass, sore-loser region invoked states' rights and keeps its folks sick and angry.
I bought a townhouse in Chelsea.
My kid is being Bar Mitzvahed tomorrow.
I have things to do.
Guess my invite got lost.
I don't really like you, Crick.
I don't think you should have anything to do with my business.
Not how I see it.
You took my money to start it, and I took fair compensation.
Fair? No, I don't think I would say that.
Can we please skip this? I come bearing good news.
Starbucks wants to buy us.
What? All 50 stores.
All-in.
How much? Why didn't they come to me? 'Cause I went to them.
- It's my business.
- Silas is on board.
So is Doug.
So is Conrad.
So is Mr.
Garcia-Gomez.
Well, bully for you boys.
I own 51%.
That's why I'm here.
We want to sell.
Well, we must be doing something very right if Starbucks wants to buy us.
- Oh, horse shit.
- Excuse me? We can all be set for life, but you want to hold on to your corporate job so bad? It's my corporation.
Come on! Why buy the cow when you can have a bird in your hand? Go have an adventure.
I had my adventures.
Now I date men named Norman.
Jesus! What happened to you? You used to be such a spark plug.
Time and loss have, uh, mellowed me.
Well, you ain't dead yet, and this is a win, not a loss.
Listen to me, Nancy.
This is an amazing offer.
Take it.
I know it's the right thing.
Go fuck yourself.
You have a great Bar Mitzvah, Mrs.
Bloom.
Here it is.
Camelot.
Botwinlot.
Fuckingham Palace.
I would have sucked your dick weeks ago if I had seen this place.
All right.
Let's go.
Hello? Mom? Hi, Megan.
Oh, shit.
She really is deaf.
You weren't kidding, huh? Hello.
I am Beatrice, Mitch's girlfriend.
But he won't marry me.
Hey.
Hey.
- Where's mom? - Where's mom? No one's here.
We just flew in.
I'm Tiffani.
I think it's really awesome of you to marry, you know Thank you.
So, Silas, how's business in California? Oh, it's fine, Mitch.
How's retirement? It's fucking great.
I got half my bennies, and the rest I fill in with all sorts of shit I got going on.
I sold four Frank Thomas rookie cards this morning to some little Japanese fucker.
The guy must have been out of his mind to pay what he did for the big fucking hurt.
I mean, the guy was a solid .
300 career hitter, but a real disappointment when you think about it.
You're a real disappointment when you think about it.
It's not even lunchtime.
It's not every day your half-Mexican half-brother gets Bar Mitzvahed.
Still can't believe that's your brother.
He's so much hotter than you.
Mm.
She looks a lot like your dad.
Funny.
Has Lars met his granddaughter? I'm not gonna talk about this.
Like there are any secrets left in this family.
There are plenty of secrets left in this family.
Secrets are the privilege of the rich.
What the fuck does that even mean? Never mind.
It's just I've been done with secrets for years.
No more.
Really? Okay.
Did you guys know Shane once killed a woman? Welcome home.
Your dry cleaning will be ready in - 53.
- Seconds.
You sure Uncle Andy's coming? Of course he is.
He RSVP'd.
He'll come.
- Payment received.
Thank you.
- He didn't come to the funeral.
Well, the funeral was about daddy.
This is about you.
He'll show up for you.
How do you know? You don't talk to him.
He talks to Silas.
Ask Silas.
Do you even know if Silas is coming? What if no one shows up? What if we threw a Bar Mitzvah and no one came? Then it's more cake for us.
And all your friends are coming.
They keep calling it "the Jewish party.
" Well, it is-- It's the Jewish party.
And you're the guest of honor.
If daddy were here-- Please don't go there.
I won't go there if you cut the shit.
And there'll be presents and cash.
Enough to pay for boarding school? Oh, relentless.
You're relentless.
Look who's talking.
Uh, this isn't my dress.
Uh Hello! Hello?! Is anyone human here? Can I get you a drink, Guru Doug? Thank you, Cinnamon.
I would like watermelon juice.
It's winter.
There's no watermelon juice.
But I want some.
I'll find you some, Guru Doug.
Wow.
That's impressive.
What can I say? She wants to make me happy.
- Is it working? - Fuck yeah.
I'm loved.
I'm rich-- very rich.
I bought Stevie a helicopter for his Jewish party.
Have I mentioned I sleep with all three of them? Sometimes at the same time.
It's very spiritual.
Good to know.
So, where's Nancy? I called her.
She had a meeting.
She'll be here soon.
The meeting? The meeting.
What's "the meeting?" We got an offer.
On what? On the stores-- the whole company.
Perfect.
The rich get richer.
Hey.
You chose a side, Officer.
Sorry our business became legal and ruined all your fun.
I need a drink.
Honey, this young man wants a drink.
- What would you like? - Scotch.
We don't touch alcohol.
Would you like a sacrament beverage? What the fuck is a sacrament beverage? Pot drink.
What your mom sells.
It's our elixir.
Why do you think my people all work at her shops? So you can exploit them for cheap labor.
Hey, watch it.
We are happy and productive.
We are doing good for the world.
We feed the hungry, we put people to work, and all we ask for in exchange is total devotion.
Who are all these people? Friends-- out-of-towners.
Do I even know them? You know your brothers.
Hopefully Andy's in there somewhere.
Oh, my God! Is that Flora? She got so big! Nancy, I am trying to nurse.
I-- I see that.
Does-- does the baby want another blanket? The baby's fine.
Congratulations, Stevie.
Thanks, Megan.
Hey, mom.
I'm-- I'm going in.
Okay, sweetie.
I'll be in in a sec.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
It's nana.
I'm your nana.
Remember me? Please Don't distract her.
Oh.
Sorry.
So, did you guys have a good trip up? Relatively easy? Megan? Shh.
It's really cold out.
I'm still not exactly sure what it is I ever did to you.
And would it have killed you to put her in one of those little dresses I bought? They were from Paris.
I love Silas, too, you know? Very much.
I just want him to be happy, and hopefully that's what you want, too, or I might have to kill you.
Did you say something? Oh, I just asked if I could hold the baby, but you just-- later, okay? I'll let you nurse in peace.
Me and Sanjay married 10 years next month.
I don't understand.
How do you do it? Separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, and no questions.
Oh, I feel you.
You want to see my babies? Yeah.
These are my boys.
That's Jimmy Jam.
He big now.
Mm-hmm.
And that's Tay Tay and Freon, and that's Little Obama.
Mm! Oh, so adorable, huh? - Mm-hmm.
You got kids? - Three girls and a boy.
- Yeah? You got pictures? - Oh, no.
They're all grown up now.
My son doesn't talk to me.
What?! Oh, you can't go through life not talking to your child.
What's the matter with you? Go make that shit right.
Did, um, did Andy tell you he was coming? I've had way too much cock in my mouth to be a vegan.
See, I didn't need to hear all that.
I'm just trying to eat my salad.
You ever hear from Ignacio? Nah.
I haven't talked to him since he started his cosplay company.
So, my brother-in-law, Andy, he's supposed to be here for Stevie.
He-- he should be here.
What the fuck is that? Oh, it's, um, it's from my sister, Jill.
She's living in India.
It's, um, Kali, the goddess of time and change.
You start as Earthbound Handmaiden, but if you ascend to Celestial Helpmate, you'll share the quarters with us in Guru Doug's holy chambers.
You people are fucking nuts.
You know that, right? Press that button.
You just started my car.
Cool.
What else can it do? That's it.
How's Isabel? You mean "Bruce"? Bruce? Yeah.
Sex change.
Is-a-bel is a boy.
If you can only fit one finger in, she's too young.
Five fingers, she's too old.
It's the finger test.
You want to be a man, you got to know this shit.
Hey, have you heard from Andy at all? How much you weigh? That's a personal question.
You want to wrestle, you let me know.
No one's eating, and I think Andy's a no-show.
I live on a boat.
Sail away with me.
Oh, Christ.
I've always loved you, Nancy.
This will never happen.
I had to give it a shot.
Conrad's about to be a daddy again.
Oh.
Yeah.
His wife's expecting twins any day now.
- That's why he ain't here.
- Mm.
You got kids? - Sure, I got kids.
I got 10 kids, man.
- Whoa.
Two of my oldest boys are running bath salts up from Mexico for me now.
Couldn't be prouder.
Jesus.
What is this obsession with sons? They're your legacy.
_ I wish I was there, too.
How's it going? I-I think we've sold maybe two paintings.
Which ones? "Waffle Summer" and "The Big One Green.
" Oh, I love "The Big Green One.
" "The Big One Green," not "The Big Green One.
" Oh, someone's at the door.
Do you want to hold on? No, but I will call you later from the hotel.
Love you.
Love you.
Shh! Who is it? Flower delivery for Josh Wilson.
Oh, he didn't.
I should be the one-- Oh, my God.
Oye, muchacho.
Wow! _ _ _ Sorry.
I-I don't speak Spanish.
You don't speak Spanish? Seriously? Esteban Reyes Jr.
doesn't speak Spanish? Nah.
That's wrong.
That's a fucking disgrace.
So you and my birth dad were tight, huh? We had a complicated relationship.
He was brilliant.
And scary.
I respected him.
What's that? I'm on this high-carb diet thing where you eat cereal in the morning and then pasta the rest of the day.
I lost 12 pounds, but, man, I'm sick of it.
Things we do for health, huh? My dad was scary? Yeah.
But in a real calm way, you know? Which made him even scarier.
He kept a white lion in the house.
I saw him feed a snitch to it once.
Your mother ever tell you about the lion? Wait.
What? No.
My-- my dad was a politician.
He was framed by the drug cartels for trying to fight them and then killed in prison.
Son, your dad was a gangster, not a pussy.
Okay? What the hell your mother been telling you? He wasn't killed in prison? Yeah, that part's true, but your father was king shit narco jefe numero uno.
And you're his only son.
You need to know this shit.
Hey.
Hey, lady.
You throw one hell of a shindig, and I love that you're wearing that slinky red dress at your age.
It's good on you.
I'll see you in church-- Jew church.
Come on, people.
No.
No, you're not.
You're not driving anywhere.
Not with my kid in the car.
Then I'll drive.
Give it here.
Shane.
What happened to you? He became a man.
Come on, Bea-Bea.
Let's make like a bread truck and haul buns! No.
No.
I don't think so.
- Mmm.
You want a mangosteen nectar? - Jesus Christ.
False prophet.
It's all about me now.
I've read the articles.
You're looking good.
You still gay? Still gay.
Still hate you.
What am I doing here, Doug? I'd like to reconnect.
Oh.
Go fuck yourself.
I have people that'll do that for me.
Josh, I've changed.
I'm enlightened now.
Let's have a relationship.
A relationship? You want a relationship? You kicked me out of the house at the age of 17, disowned me, told me that you hoped that I choked on a cock, then you ran out on mom and the girls and never came back.
Oh, I'm all good with them now.
Gave your mom all the back alimony and child support, bought each of the girls a condo.
You want a condo? No, I-I don't.
And I don't have anything to say to you, so I'm leaving.
I believe Rocket Ma-- Guru Doug is still talking to you.
Get out of my way.
I should have led with the condo offer.
Andy.
Oh, my God.
Josh, what are you doing here? Doug kidnapped me and tried to get me to like him.
Listen, I'm waiting for a cab, and it's freezing out.
Do you mind if I-- No, sure.
Come in.
Wow! Josh, oh, my God.
Um, can-- can I get you something to eat? We have teff salad, ostrich kabobs, Happy Herbert's.
We have so much food.
No one ate.
I'm good.
Thanks.
You-- You're all grown up.
Yeah.
Time will do that.
You're looking good, Ms.
B.
Keeping up on all the latest cosmetic innovations? I like the tiger stripes.
- Mm.
- Rawr.
Well, a girl's got to reinvent herself.
Can I get you a drink? You know what? I really just-- I want to get home.
They scared my dog, and she probably peed all over the hardwood.
Oh.
You have nice floors? I have beautiful floors.
Are you happy? I'm-- I'm good.
I got to say, I'm-- I'm really good.
I'm glad, Josh.
I'm really glad.
You're married? A painter.
Alan Spiller.
No kidding! I-I own "The Big Blue One.
" - "The Blue One Big.
" - Right, right.
Wow! How funny is that? He's your husband.
He's so talented.
- Are you an artist, too? - I'm a lawyer.
Oh oh! Sorry.
I know.
Well, I always was good at bullshit.
I mean, at least now they're paying me for it, right? But I'm all solid-citizen and everything.
Kids? Talking about it.
Wow.
Well, just pray they don't grow up to be teenagers like you were.
I turned out all right.
Yeah.
How does that happen? You get lucky, therapy, and I got to say that Doug was a piece of shit, but my mom was awesome.
Is awesome.
I mean, she always fought for me.
That's me.
Listen, it's really good seeing you, Ms.
B.
Take care.
You too, Josh.
You look hot.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Silas.
I changed her last.
It's your mother.
What time is it? It's very late, and Andy's not here yet.
Mom, I'm sleeping.
What time was his plane supposed to get in? He said he'd be here for dinner.
How often do you talk to him? Not a lot.
He got really busy after the restaurant opened.
What restaurant? Why won't he talk to me? What's his problem? Andy lives in Ren Mar.
Really? In that house? Redid the whole place.
Looks great.
And Lenny? He died four years ago.
Andy said Lenny's last words were, "You got to be fucking kidding me.
" And he's got a daughter.
She's 3.
Her name's Leni, but with an I.
L-E-N-I.
Like Riefenstahl? Who? A not-good namesake.
Yeah, well, she's a pistol.
And beautiful Sassy.
He's amazing with her.
And the-- the mother? Her name's Annika.
She was a waitress at the restaurant.
He always loved waitresses.
"They bring you food, and when you sit, their boobs are at eye level.
" Are they married? No.
Friends.
They share custody.
All amicable.
He has a restaurant.
That's perfect.
It's nice.
It's small.
It's one of those places that people come, and he just cooks whatever he feels like-- all fresh and seasonal and everything.
He's been written up a few times.
Oh.
He's made a very sweet life.
I think he's happy, mom.
Yeah? Yeah.
He's not coming, is he? Making frittatas.
Leek and, uh, asparagus.
Oh.
You know, we got lots of leftovers.
Yeah, well, still gonna make them.
Uh, where is everybody? I figured there'd be a full house.
- Andy! - Hey, Megan.
Look at that little nipple sucker! Hi, Flora.
Hey, you delicious little thing.
It's your Uncle Andy.
I know it's been a while.
You remember me? Huh? Is that a-- is that a tooth? Do I see a tooth? Two.
Two teeth? Good work.
Nancy, do you have any goat milk? Uh, no, I have oat and hemp.
But no goat? No goat.
Sorry.
Your daddy should listen to me, shouldn't he? You only like goat milk.
Oh, no.
Hey, um, would you run to the store, then, Nance? I would go, but I'm in the middle, here.
Yes.
I'll see you in a bit.
Our scripture says how good it is when brothers and sisters can dwell together in harmony.
Today let us come together and worship as these two young people show what they have learned, what they have been, and demonstrate what they mean to our people and to our nation, and let us say, Amen.
Amen.
My Torah portion is Exodus, and I wrote a whole nice speech about how it's a metaphor for the immigrant experience, but, um, I'm not gonna read that.
I-I wrote a new speech last night, and, uh, I like it better, so that's what I'm gonna read.
My name is not really Steven Bloom.
I mean, David Bloom adopted me, and I loved him very much, but before I was Steven Bloom, I was Steven Botwin, and, uh and that wasn't right, either.
Because, really, I'm Esteban Reyes Jr.
My father was a Mexican gangster and drug kingpin, and the former mayor of Tijuana.
And, uh, I-- I think he was catholic.
And my mother is methodist.
I know she converted for Dave, but, seriously.
Once a methodist So, I'm not Jewish.
At all.
My brothers are half-Jewish.
Maybe not Silas.
My uncle is full-on, and the man I called "dad" for years was a rabbi.
But, um Nope.
Not-- not me.
I am not chosen.
And, honestly, I-I don't choose to be.
I don't know what my religion is.
It may turn out to be there-is-no-God-ism.
I'll, uh, I'll let you all know where I land.
In the meantime, I'd like to take this time to call bullshit on this whole show.
Which is what it is.
It's one big show for family and friends to feel good about, but, um I don't feel so good, and I don't know who I am.
And-- and I want to go to boarding school.
Thank you.
China Birenbaum-Katz will speak next about Shimini.
Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm Jewish, either.
I'm Chinese, for God's sake.
You're Jewish, China.
You are Jewish.
And mom and I love you.
We love you, China.
Give your speech.
Don't let him throw you.
This is your day.
Thank you so much for coming.
The party's still on.
Thank you.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you f-- He was awesome.
Worth the trip.
Are you gonna yell at me? No.
And we're still having the party? Yes.
We are still having the party.
Are you mad? You know, um, I'm not.
I'm-- I'm really not.
That was, uh quite a speech.
Why didn't you tell me the truth about my dad? What is the truth about your dad? Guillermo said he was a king and I'm the prince.
Huh.
When you Wiki him, none of the stuff Guillermo talks about comes up.
You can't believe everything you Wiki, huh? And technically, you are Jewish.
What are you talking about? You had a Bris.
You entered into the covenant.
Andy insisted on it.
If anyone's your real father, it's him.
Just what I need.
More fathers.
But you look like Esteban.
He was very handsome.
And he was so proud to have a son.
Your history is very confusing to me.
I'm gonna let you go to boarding school.
Are you serious? I'm serious.
Go.
Play soccer.
Make friends.
Never learn to hate me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Sit down, Prince Steven.
Mm.
Eat your leftovers.
Save your energy for the party.
Come on! I need you to come get the cake with me.
Mom, I have a really bad-- Now! Do it! Move it! Now! Mommy wants to spend some time with you, okay? I'm talking about getting you some help, Shane, 'cause you're not doing very well.
I'm doing fine.
Can I help you? Hey.
Picking up.
Bloom.
Do you guys have a bathroom? Sorry.
Employees only.
It's cool, sweetheart.
It's cool.
These florentines? Fuck, yeah, florentines.
Uh, it's supposed to say, "Mazel Tov, Stevie.
" Okay.
comes to $21.
50.
What the fuck are you talking about? Shane, please.
Each letter costs $1.
50.
Letters are free.
Who say letters are free? Me.
The police.
The Constitution! The First Amendment! But it's cool.
It's cool.
I'll buy your vowel, Princess Florentine Cookie.
I'll let you fleece me for my A's and my B's and my elemenos while I stand here like some dope-- some big fucking dope.
You said, "Mazel Tov, Steven"? Stevie! S-T-E-V-I-E! Um How much is it now? You're lucky I'm Russian.
It's lonely at the top.
I miss you, man.
Did you hear Dean's little girl got a dick now? I know.
He put up my drywall.
Does great work.
Look at this.
Celebration of manhood.
Family all together.
It's beautiful.
I'm not sure why the kid's dressed like Scarface.
My one regret about leaving was not seeing him grow up.
I got to go.
Who is it? UPS.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Shane, come home.
Live with me.
You can have your old room back.
Mom.
I'm not making this offer because I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm making it because I'm your mother and I care about you and you're not in a good way.
I-I j-- Hear me out.
It's time to grow up.
I don't think moving back in with my mommy is gonna help me grow up.
You shot a cake.
I know.
I know.
I'm a mess.
I'm gonna deal with it.
- How? - I'll break up with Tiffani.
Not good enough.
I'll take some time off.
More.
I'll see a therapist.
Almost there.
I'll check into rehab.
Good.
Ouellette went to this place in the Catskills that-- You may not do anything Ouellette has done.
Okay.
I'll find a different place.
I'll get real help.
Professional help.
I'm ready.
Good.
Maybe we can find you a rehab place in Pittsburgh.
Oh.
I'm very fond of you.
You want a jackfruit smoothie? I had more I wanted to say.
You ever heard of a phone? I wanted to do this face-to-face.
I'm a face-to-face guy.
It's one of my things.
I conduct a whole face-to-face week in Idyllwild every Arbor Day.
Three grand per head-- that includes soup, jerky, and a tote bag.
Josh, wait! Wait! I sucked a dick once.
Jesus, dad.
Guru dad, actually.
But that is not the point.
Josh, please come back.
Hear me out.
Please? I fucked up.
I have a blind cousin.
You two should meet.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
You want to dance with nana? Megan I had three babies of my own.
I promise I won't break her.
Okay.
I tried to be nice, I tried to be generous, and she treats me like I beat you and put cigarettes out on your arm.
I tried to do what was in our best interests.
I probably failed often and spectacularly, but you turned out to be a remarkable man, so I must have done something right? God damn it, Silas.
Make your wife be nice to me.
Like I can make her do anything.
She's gonna do and say and feel whatever she wants.
There's nothing I can or will do about it.
I love you, mom, but she's where I live.
She's how I spend my days.
Oh, my God.
You like it-- you like it when she's mean to me.
You resent me, and you can't say it.
If I have a problem with you, I'll tell you.
I don't need my wife to stick her hand up my ass and make my mouth move.
Were you mother of the year? No.
Did you hurt me? Yes.
Do I carry around resentment and spend my days railing against what could have been if only I'd had a normal childhood? I don't.
I really don't.
I wake up in the morning, I kiss my baby, and I kiss my beautiful wife.
I swim in the ocean, and I grow my plants, and I feel lucky.
Sorry, mom.
It's not about you.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Where the hell have you been? I have been so worried.
I almost called the police.
I-I checked the home cam, and-- and Barbie has peed all over the floor.
I made up with my dad.
Holy shit.
Yep.
I guess they're ice skating in hell about now.
Wow.
Ain't life strange? Hey.
Oh, God.
Come here.
I'm sorry about your dad.
"He didn't die.
He busted out of the game.
" That's what he had me put on his headstone.
And you have a kid who you named after a Nazi.
Well, she was a pioneer of filmmaking.
I don't believe in holding grudges.
I missed you.
Silas seems happy.
Yeah.
Megan's good for him.
And Shane Shane needs a new circle of friends.
You think? Come back.
It won't be like it used to be.
It'll be better.
Nance, my plane leaves tomorrow morning, I have Leni at 3:00, and Annika has to get to work by 4:00.
Sunday is daddy/daughter movie night.
We're seeing "Herbie The Love Bug.
" I'll give you Equal partners-- what you always wanted.
I-I don't want T-take it all.
The whole thing.
Take all the money, and-- and start your own restaurant here.
God knows downtown needs it.
And you can-- you can bring your kid.
You know that yard at the house? We'll get a-a big swing set with a-a tower thing and a-a tube slide.
And there's a hill up the street, and I have two toboggans in the garage-- the nice woodcut.
Your kid should toboggan and-- and-- and jump in leaves and walk in the gray, dirty slush the day after it snows, get salt stains on her shoes.
She should know the feeling of walking to school in a blizzard and not feeling her own limbs.
It builds character.
Nance, I have a life I like.
I'm not leaving it.
Uh Okay.
I get it.
Surf.
You want surf.
I'll come to you.
I-I lived in Ren Mar before.
I'll do it again.
I don't need the house.
I'll sell it.
It's just a reminder.
Stop it.
Andy, my husband is dead, and my family-- Stop it.
You're gonna be fine.
Things happen.
Things change.
We can't control it.
But the one thing that you can control is how you think about it.
So look at it this way-- you're free.
You did your job.
Now it's done.
No one there to answer to.
No one to come home to.
No one to hold you back from becoming the person you always wanted to be, doing only what you want to do.
Who is that? What is that? Time for you to figure it out.
You helped me when I was lost, gave me a home.
A family and purpose and I'll always be grateful to you.
And I'll always, always love you, pants, but I can't be near you.
That doesn't work.
But you're gonna be fine.
You're so strong.
So, time for you to face yourself.
Okay, fine.
Sell.
Sell it.
I'm done.
Let it go.
You made me happier than a puppy with two peckers, Nancy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I really think you're making-- And then there were none.
Don't know where it goes or what we're gonna do but know that you're a part of me every time you run, every time you try you make another memory don't know where it goes or what we're gonna do but know that you're a part of me Before we eat dessert, I just want to thank you all for coming to my almost-Bar Mitzvah.
I want to thank my brother Silas and Megan and my Uncle Andy and Uncle Doug, and all my mom's friends who flew in from California.
I want to thank my brother Shane and all my friends.
I love you all.
But most of all, I want to thank you, mom.
You've always been there for me, and I love you.
And I'm going to boarding school next year, so let's party! It's 16 miles to the Promised Land and I promise you I'm doing the best I can now, don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than a man 'cause you'll probably end up dead I visit these mountains with frequency and I stand here with my arms up now, some days, they last longer than others but this day by the lake went too fast and if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait so you better move fast don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than you are with your arms outstretched to me now it's 16 miles to the Promised Land and I promise you I'm doing the best I can now, some days, they last longer than others but this day by the lake went too fast and if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait so you better move fast and some days, they last longer than others but this day by the lake went too fast and if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait so you better move fast Doop, doo-di-oop, doo-di-oop, doo-di-oodie-oodie-oop why don't you join the group? it's better than being a party-poop say you love me please believe me when you do, that makes two here we go now bet your boodle like the apples in the strudel do when we noodle with a doodlin' song all through thank you
It's about fear.
Our children do not need to wear helmets to play soccer.
They're not helmets.
They're headgear.
And do you know how many children suffered concussions this year? I believe it was one.
Your child.
And I'm really sorry, but it wasn't even when he was heading the ball.
It was when he ran into the goalpost, so Dude.
That's not true.
- Is that the widow? - Yep.
She was married to that rabbi who went over the cliff on Avernous Road.
Oh.
Swerved to avoid a bear.
I heard about that.
protects against concussions.
She's the one who owns all those stores.
They're hot and sweaty and expensive, and you can't properly head in them.
She's rich and thin.
Your wife's rich.
My wife's a potato.
A smoothie maker.
Look, we're all here every day giving our time to the school.
- Who's her kid? - Steve Bloom.
Now suddenly there's an issue that affects your kid, and you show up? Yes.
I'm here to argue for the interests of my child.
I think the rabbi adopted him.
Our children are in middle school.
They don't need us here every single day.
Okay, well, I'd like to put it to a vote.
I wonder if she's lonely.
All those in favor of protective headgear for the soccer team, please say "aye.
" - Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
You wonder away there, buddy.
Well You still can't force them to wear it.
Okay.
We'll see.
- So how'd it go? - The team is getting helmets, but that doesn't mean you have to wear one.
That is total bullshit.
I want to go to Minnesota.
Stevie, it's been a really, really hard year for both of us, but I'm not sending you to boarding school.
I can't play spring soccer looking like a retard.
Did-- did you tell them you can't head in those things? I did.
I did.
But it's not over yet, okay? Of course it is.
They're gonna make us wear them, and my game is gonna suck, and I'll start hating soccer, so I'll quit, and then I'll just end up working in one of your stores like those zombies who worship Uncle Doug.
Sounds like a plan.
Mom.
I'm-- I'm serious.
I sent in the application.
Stevie, can we not do this now, please? The academics are really good, too.
Stevie! After tomorrow, I'm a man.
How about we get through your Bar Mitzvah and then we discuss the rights and privileges of your new adult status? Think about it.
We can skip the teen-angsty time where I eventually start to hate you, and we could just have happy holidays.
It's so much healthier.
We spend way too much time together.
You're gonna make me gay.
Go back to class, all right? I'll pick you up at 3:00.
_ I'm sure that there's goat's milk at my mom's house.
_ Hey.
Hey.
I'm not angry at her.
Why should you be? _ If you love me, you'll try to get along.
Please.
_ We're here for Stevie's Bar Mitzvah.
Not business.
- Next, please.
- Pbht.
_ Speaking of which, uh, pack of puff dragons, please.
You hear that, Flora? It's time for you to give me back mama's boobies.
Don't tell her that.
Timmy, what don't you want to tell me? You have to pick up the cake yourself tomorrow.
There's time between the service and the party.
What the F? Can't you get it for me? No.
You know I can't.
I have to maintain my boundaries.
Saturdays and Sundays off.
What else? Do you know what time Andy's flight gets in? Uh, Silas handled all the correspondence with him.
All I know is that he RSVP'd yes.
Anyhoo, the caterer is on her way.
You have meetings with two new cup distributors on Monday, and here is a stack of stuff to sign.
Legal wants to talk to you about allegations of serving minors in stores 14 and 43, and the deejay got your playlist, but he said that he won't play the Hava Nagila.
He says that it's a cliché.
It's tradition.
Make him play it.
Fine.
What else? After this meeting, you're all clear.
But you do have a date on Tuesday with a game theory strategist named Norman Hass.
He's 60, divorced, two grown kids, runs half-marathons, likes to cook.
Oh, God.
But, I can always cancel.
No.
All right, then, we'll talk Monday.
You have a great weekend, Nancy.
Don't forget dry cleaner on your way home.
Thank you, Tim.
Taste-testing the product? Virgin.
Got to keep my wits about me.
Not me.
I'm higher than a Georgia pine 24/7.
Perfect.
How's life in Dixie? Oh.
It's the fucking third world.
I fear for my people, Nance.
Rest of the country has healthcare, has marijuana, and tax revenue from marijuana.
My dumbass, sore-loser region invoked states' rights and keeps its folks sick and angry.
I bought a townhouse in Chelsea.
My kid is being Bar Mitzvahed tomorrow.
I have things to do.
Guess my invite got lost.
I don't really like you, Crick.
I don't think you should have anything to do with my business.
Not how I see it.
You took my money to start it, and I took fair compensation.
Fair? No, I don't think I would say that.
Can we please skip this? I come bearing good news.
Starbucks wants to buy us.
What? All 50 stores.
All-in.
How much? Why didn't they come to me? 'Cause I went to them.
- It's my business.
- Silas is on board.
So is Doug.
So is Conrad.
So is Mr.
Garcia-Gomez.
Well, bully for you boys.
I own 51%.
That's why I'm here.
We want to sell.
Well, we must be doing something very right if Starbucks wants to buy us.
- Oh, horse shit.
- Excuse me? We can all be set for life, but you want to hold on to your corporate job so bad? It's my corporation.
Come on! Why buy the cow when you can have a bird in your hand? Go have an adventure.
I had my adventures.
Now I date men named Norman.
Jesus! What happened to you? You used to be such a spark plug.
Time and loss have, uh, mellowed me.
Well, you ain't dead yet, and this is a win, not a loss.
Listen to me, Nancy.
This is an amazing offer.
Take it.
I know it's the right thing.
Go fuck yourself.
You have a great Bar Mitzvah, Mrs.
Bloom.
Here it is.
Camelot.
Botwinlot.
Fuckingham Palace.
I would have sucked your dick weeks ago if I had seen this place.
All right.
Let's go.
Hello? Mom? Hi, Megan.
Oh, shit.
She really is deaf.
You weren't kidding, huh? Hello.
I am Beatrice, Mitch's girlfriend.
But he won't marry me.
Hey.
Hey.
- Where's mom? - Where's mom? No one's here.
We just flew in.
I'm Tiffani.
I think it's really awesome of you to marry, you know Thank you.
So, Silas, how's business in California? Oh, it's fine, Mitch.
How's retirement? It's fucking great.
I got half my bennies, and the rest I fill in with all sorts of shit I got going on.
I sold four Frank Thomas rookie cards this morning to some little Japanese fucker.
The guy must have been out of his mind to pay what he did for the big fucking hurt.
I mean, the guy was a solid .
300 career hitter, but a real disappointment when you think about it.
You're a real disappointment when you think about it.
It's not even lunchtime.
It's not every day your half-Mexican half-brother gets Bar Mitzvahed.
Still can't believe that's your brother.
He's so much hotter than you.
Mm.
She looks a lot like your dad.
Funny.
Has Lars met his granddaughter? I'm not gonna talk about this.
Like there are any secrets left in this family.
There are plenty of secrets left in this family.
Secrets are the privilege of the rich.
What the fuck does that even mean? Never mind.
It's just I've been done with secrets for years.
No more.
Really? Okay.
Did you guys know Shane once killed a woman? Welcome home.
Your dry cleaning will be ready in - 53.
- Seconds.
You sure Uncle Andy's coming? Of course he is.
He RSVP'd.
He'll come.
- Payment received.
Thank you.
- He didn't come to the funeral.
Well, the funeral was about daddy.
This is about you.
He'll show up for you.
How do you know? You don't talk to him.
He talks to Silas.
Ask Silas.
Do you even know if Silas is coming? What if no one shows up? What if we threw a Bar Mitzvah and no one came? Then it's more cake for us.
And all your friends are coming.
They keep calling it "the Jewish party.
" Well, it is-- It's the Jewish party.
And you're the guest of honor.
If daddy were here-- Please don't go there.
I won't go there if you cut the shit.
And there'll be presents and cash.
Enough to pay for boarding school? Oh, relentless.
You're relentless.
Look who's talking.
Uh, this isn't my dress.
Uh Hello! Hello?! Is anyone human here? Can I get you a drink, Guru Doug? Thank you, Cinnamon.
I would like watermelon juice.
It's winter.
There's no watermelon juice.
But I want some.
I'll find you some, Guru Doug.
Wow.
That's impressive.
What can I say? She wants to make me happy.
- Is it working? - Fuck yeah.
I'm loved.
I'm rich-- very rich.
I bought Stevie a helicopter for his Jewish party.
Have I mentioned I sleep with all three of them? Sometimes at the same time.
It's very spiritual.
Good to know.
So, where's Nancy? I called her.
She had a meeting.
She'll be here soon.
The meeting? The meeting.
What's "the meeting?" We got an offer.
On what? On the stores-- the whole company.
Perfect.
The rich get richer.
Hey.
You chose a side, Officer.
Sorry our business became legal and ruined all your fun.
I need a drink.
Honey, this young man wants a drink.
- What would you like? - Scotch.
We don't touch alcohol.
Would you like a sacrament beverage? What the fuck is a sacrament beverage? Pot drink.
What your mom sells.
It's our elixir.
Why do you think my people all work at her shops? So you can exploit them for cheap labor.
Hey, watch it.
We are happy and productive.
We are doing good for the world.
We feed the hungry, we put people to work, and all we ask for in exchange is total devotion.
Who are all these people? Friends-- out-of-towners.
Do I even know them? You know your brothers.
Hopefully Andy's in there somewhere.
Oh, my God! Is that Flora? She got so big! Nancy, I am trying to nurse.
I-- I see that.
Does-- does the baby want another blanket? The baby's fine.
Congratulations, Stevie.
Thanks, Megan.
Hey, mom.
I'm-- I'm going in.
Okay, sweetie.
I'll be in in a sec.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
It's nana.
I'm your nana.
Remember me? Please Don't distract her.
Oh.
Sorry.
So, did you guys have a good trip up? Relatively easy? Megan? Shh.
It's really cold out.
I'm still not exactly sure what it is I ever did to you.
And would it have killed you to put her in one of those little dresses I bought? They were from Paris.
I love Silas, too, you know? Very much.
I just want him to be happy, and hopefully that's what you want, too, or I might have to kill you.
Did you say something? Oh, I just asked if I could hold the baby, but you just-- later, okay? I'll let you nurse in peace.
Me and Sanjay married 10 years next month.
I don't understand.
How do you do it? Separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, and no questions.
Oh, I feel you.
You want to see my babies? Yeah.
These are my boys.
That's Jimmy Jam.
He big now.
Mm-hmm.
And that's Tay Tay and Freon, and that's Little Obama.
Mm! Oh, so adorable, huh? - Mm-hmm.
You got kids? - Three girls and a boy.
- Yeah? You got pictures? - Oh, no.
They're all grown up now.
My son doesn't talk to me.
What?! Oh, you can't go through life not talking to your child.
What's the matter with you? Go make that shit right.
Did, um, did Andy tell you he was coming? I've had way too much cock in my mouth to be a vegan.
See, I didn't need to hear all that.
I'm just trying to eat my salad.
You ever hear from Ignacio? Nah.
I haven't talked to him since he started his cosplay company.
So, my brother-in-law, Andy, he's supposed to be here for Stevie.
He-- he should be here.
What the fuck is that? Oh, it's, um, it's from my sister, Jill.
She's living in India.
It's, um, Kali, the goddess of time and change.
You start as Earthbound Handmaiden, but if you ascend to Celestial Helpmate, you'll share the quarters with us in Guru Doug's holy chambers.
You people are fucking nuts.
You know that, right? Press that button.
You just started my car.
Cool.
What else can it do? That's it.
How's Isabel? You mean "Bruce"? Bruce? Yeah.
Sex change.
Is-a-bel is a boy.
If you can only fit one finger in, she's too young.
Five fingers, she's too old.
It's the finger test.
You want to be a man, you got to know this shit.
Hey, have you heard from Andy at all? How much you weigh? That's a personal question.
You want to wrestle, you let me know.
No one's eating, and I think Andy's a no-show.
I live on a boat.
Sail away with me.
Oh, Christ.
I've always loved you, Nancy.
This will never happen.
I had to give it a shot.
Conrad's about to be a daddy again.
Oh.
Yeah.
His wife's expecting twins any day now.
- That's why he ain't here.
- Mm.
You got kids? - Sure, I got kids.
I got 10 kids, man.
- Whoa.
Two of my oldest boys are running bath salts up from Mexico for me now.
Couldn't be prouder.
Jesus.
What is this obsession with sons? They're your legacy.
_ I wish I was there, too.
How's it going? I-I think we've sold maybe two paintings.
Which ones? "Waffle Summer" and "The Big One Green.
" Oh, I love "The Big Green One.
" "The Big One Green," not "The Big Green One.
" Oh, someone's at the door.
Do you want to hold on? No, but I will call you later from the hotel.
Love you.
Love you.
Shh! Who is it? Flower delivery for Josh Wilson.
Oh, he didn't.
I should be the one-- Oh, my God.
Oye, muchacho.
Wow! _ _ _ Sorry.
I-I don't speak Spanish.
You don't speak Spanish? Seriously? Esteban Reyes Jr.
doesn't speak Spanish? Nah.
That's wrong.
That's a fucking disgrace.
So you and my birth dad were tight, huh? We had a complicated relationship.
He was brilliant.
And scary.
I respected him.
What's that? I'm on this high-carb diet thing where you eat cereal in the morning and then pasta the rest of the day.
I lost 12 pounds, but, man, I'm sick of it.
Things we do for health, huh? My dad was scary? Yeah.
But in a real calm way, you know? Which made him even scarier.
He kept a white lion in the house.
I saw him feed a snitch to it once.
Your mother ever tell you about the lion? Wait.
What? No.
My-- my dad was a politician.
He was framed by the drug cartels for trying to fight them and then killed in prison.
Son, your dad was a gangster, not a pussy.
Okay? What the hell your mother been telling you? He wasn't killed in prison? Yeah, that part's true, but your father was king shit narco jefe numero uno.
And you're his only son.
You need to know this shit.
Hey.
Hey, lady.
You throw one hell of a shindig, and I love that you're wearing that slinky red dress at your age.
It's good on you.
I'll see you in church-- Jew church.
Come on, people.
No.
No, you're not.
You're not driving anywhere.
Not with my kid in the car.
Then I'll drive.
Give it here.
Shane.
What happened to you? He became a man.
Come on, Bea-Bea.
Let's make like a bread truck and haul buns! No.
No.
I don't think so.
- Mmm.
You want a mangosteen nectar? - Jesus Christ.
False prophet.
It's all about me now.
I've read the articles.
You're looking good.
You still gay? Still gay.
Still hate you.
What am I doing here, Doug? I'd like to reconnect.
Oh.
Go fuck yourself.
I have people that'll do that for me.
Josh, I've changed.
I'm enlightened now.
Let's have a relationship.
A relationship? You want a relationship? You kicked me out of the house at the age of 17, disowned me, told me that you hoped that I choked on a cock, then you ran out on mom and the girls and never came back.
Oh, I'm all good with them now.
Gave your mom all the back alimony and child support, bought each of the girls a condo.
You want a condo? No, I-I don't.
And I don't have anything to say to you, so I'm leaving.
I believe Rocket Ma-- Guru Doug is still talking to you.
Get out of my way.
I should have led with the condo offer.
Andy.
Oh, my God.
Josh, what are you doing here? Doug kidnapped me and tried to get me to like him.
Listen, I'm waiting for a cab, and it's freezing out.
Do you mind if I-- No, sure.
Come in.
Wow! Josh, oh, my God.
Um, can-- can I get you something to eat? We have teff salad, ostrich kabobs, Happy Herbert's.
We have so much food.
No one ate.
I'm good.
Thanks.
You-- You're all grown up.
Yeah.
Time will do that.
You're looking good, Ms.
B.
Keeping up on all the latest cosmetic innovations? I like the tiger stripes.
- Mm.
- Rawr.
Well, a girl's got to reinvent herself.
Can I get you a drink? You know what? I really just-- I want to get home.
They scared my dog, and she probably peed all over the hardwood.
Oh.
You have nice floors? I have beautiful floors.
Are you happy? I'm-- I'm good.
I got to say, I'm-- I'm really good.
I'm glad, Josh.
I'm really glad.
You're married? A painter.
Alan Spiller.
No kidding! I-I own "The Big Blue One.
" - "The Blue One Big.
" - Right, right.
Wow! How funny is that? He's your husband.
He's so talented.
- Are you an artist, too? - I'm a lawyer.
Oh oh! Sorry.
I know.
Well, I always was good at bullshit.
I mean, at least now they're paying me for it, right? But I'm all solid-citizen and everything.
Kids? Talking about it.
Wow.
Well, just pray they don't grow up to be teenagers like you were.
I turned out all right.
Yeah.
How does that happen? You get lucky, therapy, and I got to say that Doug was a piece of shit, but my mom was awesome.
Is awesome.
I mean, she always fought for me.
That's me.
Listen, it's really good seeing you, Ms.
B.
Take care.
You too, Josh.
You look hot.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Silas.
I changed her last.
It's your mother.
What time is it? It's very late, and Andy's not here yet.
Mom, I'm sleeping.
What time was his plane supposed to get in? He said he'd be here for dinner.
How often do you talk to him? Not a lot.
He got really busy after the restaurant opened.
What restaurant? Why won't he talk to me? What's his problem? Andy lives in Ren Mar.
Really? In that house? Redid the whole place.
Looks great.
And Lenny? He died four years ago.
Andy said Lenny's last words were, "You got to be fucking kidding me.
" And he's got a daughter.
She's 3.
Her name's Leni, but with an I.
L-E-N-I.
Like Riefenstahl? Who? A not-good namesake.
Yeah, well, she's a pistol.
And beautiful Sassy.
He's amazing with her.
And the-- the mother? Her name's Annika.
She was a waitress at the restaurant.
He always loved waitresses.
"They bring you food, and when you sit, their boobs are at eye level.
" Are they married? No.
Friends.
They share custody.
All amicable.
He has a restaurant.
That's perfect.
It's nice.
It's small.
It's one of those places that people come, and he just cooks whatever he feels like-- all fresh and seasonal and everything.
He's been written up a few times.
Oh.
He's made a very sweet life.
I think he's happy, mom.
Yeah? Yeah.
He's not coming, is he? Making frittatas.
Leek and, uh, asparagus.
Oh.
You know, we got lots of leftovers.
Yeah, well, still gonna make them.
Uh, where is everybody? I figured there'd be a full house.
- Andy! - Hey, Megan.
Look at that little nipple sucker! Hi, Flora.
Hey, you delicious little thing.
It's your Uncle Andy.
I know it's been a while.
You remember me? Huh? Is that a-- is that a tooth? Do I see a tooth? Two.
Two teeth? Good work.
Nancy, do you have any goat milk? Uh, no, I have oat and hemp.
But no goat? No goat.
Sorry.
Your daddy should listen to me, shouldn't he? You only like goat milk.
Oh, no.
Hey, um, would you run to the store, then, Nance? I would go, but I'm in the middle, here.
Yes.
I'll see you in a bit.
Our scripture says how good it is when brothers and sisters can dwell together in harmony.
Today let us come together and worship as these two young people show what they have learned, what they have been, and demonstrate what they mean to our people and to our nation, and let us say, Amen.
Amen.
My Torah portion is Exodus, and I wrote a whole nice speech about how it's a metaphor for the immigrant experience, but, um, I'm not gonna read that.
I-I wrote a new speech last night, and, uh, I like it better, so that's what I'm gonna read.
My name is not really Steven Bloom.
I mean, David Bloom adopted me, and I loved him very much, but before I was Steven Bloom, I was Steven Botwin, and, uh and that wasn't right, either.
Because, really, I'm Esteban Reyes Jr.
My father was a Mexican gangster and drug kingpin, and the former mayor of Tijuana.
And, uh, I-- I think he was catholic.
And my mother is methodist.
I know she converted for Dave, but, seriously.
Once a methodist So, I'm not Jewish.
At all.
My brothers are half-Jewish.
Maybe not Silas.
My uncle is full-on, and the man I called "dad" for years was a rabbi.
But, um Nope.
Not-- not me.
I am not chosen.
And, honestly, I-I don't choose to be.
I don't know what my religion is.
It may turn out to be there-is-no-God-ism.
I'll, uh, I'll let you all know where I land.
In the meantime, I'd like to take this time to call bullshit on this whole show.
Which is what it is.
It's one big show for family and friends to feel good about, but, um I don't feel so good, and I don't know who I am.
And-- and I want to go to boarding school.
Thank you.
China Birenbaum-Katz will speak next about Shimini.
Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm Jewish, either.
I'm Chinese, for God's sake.
You're Jewish, China.
You are Jewish.
And mom and I love you.
We love you, China.
Give your speech.
Don't let him throw you.
This is your day.
Thank you so much for coming.
The party's still on.
Thank you.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you f-- He was awesome.
Worth the trip.
Are you gonna yell at me? No.
And we're still having the party? Yes.
We are still having the party.
Are you mad? You know, um, I'm not.
I'm-- I'm really not.
That was, uh quite a speech.
Why didn't you tell me the truth about my dad? What is the truth about your dad? Guillermo said he was a king and I'm the prince.
Huh.
When you Wiki him, none of the stuff Guillermo talks about comes up.
You can't believe everything you Wiki, huh? And technically, you are Jewish.
What are you talking about? You had a Bris.
You entered into the covenant.
Andy insisted on it.
If anyone's your real father, it's him.
Just what I need.
More fathers.
But you look like Esteban.
He was very handsome.
And he was so proud to have a son.
Your history is very confusing to me.
I'm gonna let you go to boarding school.
Are you serious? I'm serious.
Go.
Play soccer.
Make friends.
Never learn to hate me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Sit down, Prince Steven.
Mm.
Eat your leftovers.
Save your energy for the party.
Come on! I need you to come get the cake with me.
Mom, I have a really bad-- Now! Do it! Move it! Now! Mommy wants to spend some time with you, okay? I'm talking about getting you some help, Shane, 'cause you're not doing very well.
I'm doing fine.
Can I help you? Hey.
Picking up.
Bloom.
Do you guys have a bathroom? Sorry.
Employees only.
It's cool, sweetheart.
It's cool.
These florentines? Fuck, yeah, florentines.
Uh, it's supposed to say, "Mazel Tov, Stevie.
" Okay.
comes to $21.
50.
What the fuck are you talking about? Shane, please.
Each letter costs $1.
50.
Letters are free.
Who say letters are free? Me.
The police.
The Constitution! The First Amendment! But it's cool.
It's cool.
I'll buy your vowel, Princess Florentine Cookie.
I'll let you fleece me for my A's and my B's and my elemenos while I stand here like some dope-- some big fucking dope.
You said, "Mazel Tov, Steven"? Stevie! S-T-E-V-I-E! Um How much is it now? You're lucky I'm Russian.
It's lonely at the top.
I miss you, man.
Did you hear Dean's little girl got a dick now? I know.
He put up my drywall.
Does great work.
Look at this.
Celebration of manhood.
Family all together.
It's beautiful.
I'm not sure why the kid's dressed like Scarface.
My one regret about leaving was not seeing him grow up.
I got to go.
Who is it? UPS.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Shane, come home.
Live with me.
You can have your old room back.
Mom.
I'm not making this offer because I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm making it because I'm your mother and I care about you and you're not in a good way.
I-I j-- Hear me out.
It's time to grow up.
I don't think moving back in with my mommy is gonna help me grow up.
You shot a cake.
I know.
I know.
I'm a mess.
I'm gonna deal with it.
- How? - I'll break up with Tiffani.
Not good enough.
I'll take some time off.
More.
I'll see a therapist.
Almost there.
I'll check into rehab.
Good.
Ouellette went to this place in the Catskills that-- You may not do anything Ouellette has done.
Okay.
I'll find a different place.
I'll get real help.
Professional help.
I'm ready.
Good.
Maybe we can find you a rehab place in Pittsburgh.
Oh.
I'm very fond of you.
You want a jackfruit smoothie? I had more I wanted to say.
You ever heard of a phone? I wanted to do this face-to-face.
I'm a face-to-face guy.
It's one of my things.
I conduct a whole face-to-face week in Idyllwild every Arbor Day.
Three grand per head-- that includes soup, jerky, and a tote bag.
Josh, wait! Wait! I sucked a dick once.
Jesus, dad.
Guru dad, actually.
But that is not the point.
Josh, please come back.
Hear me out.
Please? I fucked up.
I have a blind cousin.
You two should meet.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
You want to dance with nana? Megan I had three babies of my own.
I promise I won't break her.
Okay.
I tried to be nice, I tried to be generous, and she treats me like I beat you and put cigarettes out on your arm.
I tried to do what was in our best interests.
I probably failed often and spectacularly, but you turned out to be a remarkable man, so I must have done something right? God damn it, Silas.
Make your wife be nice to me.
Like I can make her do anything.
She's gonna do and say and feel whatever she wants.
There's nothing I can or will do about it.
I love you, mom, but she's where I live.
She's how I spend my days.
Oh, my God.
You like it-- you like it when she's mean to me.
You resent me, and you can't say it.
If I have a problem with you, I'll tell you.
I don't need my wife to stick her hand up my ass and make my mouth move.
Were you mother of the year? No.
Did you hurt me? Yes.
Do I carry around resentment and spend my days railing against what could have been if only I'd had a normal childhood? I don't.
I really don't.
I wake up in the morning, I kiss my baby, and I kiss my beautiful wife.
I swim in the ocean, and I grow my plants, and I feel lucky.
Sorry, mom.
It's not about you.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Where the hell have you been? I have been so worried.
I almost called the police.
I-I checked the home cam, and-- and Barbie has peed all over the floor.
I made up with my dad.
Holy shit.
Yep.
I guess they're ice skating in hell about now.
Wow.
Ain't life strange? Hey.
Oh, God.
Come here.
I'm sorry about your dad.
"He didn't die.
He busted out of the game.
" That's what he had me put on his headstone.
And you have a kid who you named after a Nazi.
Well, she was a pioneer of filmmaking.
I don't believe in holding grudges.
I missed you.
Silas seems happy.
Yeah.
Megan's good for him.
And Shane Shane needs a new circle of friends.
You think? Come back.
It won't be like it used to be.
It'll be better.
Nance, my plane leaves tomorrow morning, I have Leni at 3:00, and Annika has to get to work by 4:00.
Sunday is daddy/daughter movie night.
We're seeing "Herbie The Love Bug.
" I'll give you Equal partners-- what you always wanted.
I-I don't want T-take it all.
The whole thing.
Take all the money, and-- and start your own restaurant here.
God knows downtown needs it.
And you can-- you can bring your kid.
You know that yard at the house? We'll get a-a big swing set with a-a tower thing and a-a tube slide.
And there's a hill up the street, and I have two toboggans in the garage-- the nice woodcut.
Your kid should toboggan and-- and-- and jump in leaves and walk in the gray, dirty slush the day after it snows, get salt stains on her shoes.
She should know the feeling of walking to school in a blizzard and not feeling her own limbs.
It builds character.
Nance, I have a life I like.
I'm not leaving it.
Uh Okay.
I get it.
Surf.
You want surf.
I'll come to you.
I-I lived in Ren Mar before.
I'll do it again.
I don't need the house.
I'll sell it.
It's just a reminder.
Stop it.
Andy, my husband is dead, and my family-- Stop it.
You're gonna be fine.
Things happen.
Things change.
We can't control it.
But the one thing that you can control is how you think about it.
So look at it this way-- you're free.
You did your job.
Now it's done.
No one there to answer to.
No one to come home to.
No one to hold you back from becoming the person you always wanted to be, doing only what you want to do.
Who is that? What is that? Time for you to figure it out.
You helped me when I was lost, gave me a home.
A family and purpose and I'll always be grateful to you.
And I'll always, always love you, pants, but I can't be near you.
That doesn't work.
But you're gonna be fine.
You're so strong.
So, time for you to face yourself.
Okay, fine.
Sell.
Sell it.
I'm done.
Let it go.
You made me happier than a puppy with two peckers, Nancy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I really think you're making-- And then there were none.
Don't know where it goes or what we're gonna do but know that you're a part of me every time you run, every time you try you make another memory don't know where it goes or what we're gonna do but know that you're a part of me Before we eat dessert, I just want to thank you all for coming to my almost-Bar Mitzvah.
I want to thank my brother Silas and Megan and my Uncle Andy and Uncle Doug, and all my mom's friends who flew in from California.
I want to thank my brother Shane and all my friends.
I love you all.
But most of all, I want to thank you, mom.
You've always been there for me, and I love you.
And I'm going to boarding school next year, so let's party! It's 16 miles to the Promised Land and I promise you I'm doing the best I can now, don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than a man 'cause you'll probably end up dead I visit these mountains with frequency and I stand here with my arms up now, some days, they last longer than others but this day by the lake went too fast and if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait so you better move fast don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than you are with your arms outstretched to me now it's 16 miles to the Promised Land and I promise you I'm doing the best I can now, some days, they last longer than others but this day by the lake went too fast and if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait so you better move fast and some days, they last longer than others but this day by the lake went too fast and if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait so you better move fast Doop, doo-di-oop, doo-di-oop, doo-di-oodie-oodie-oop why don't you join the group? it's better than being a party-poop say you love me please believe me when you do, that makes two here we go now bet your boodle like the apples in the strudel do when we noodle with a doodlin' song all through thank you