10 Things I Hate About You (1999) Movie Script
[Rock Band Warming Up]
[Man] Okay, guys, here we go.
Here we go.
One, two...
One, two, three...
[Rock]
It's been one week
since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry
Five days since you
laughed at me saying
Get that together
come back and see me
Three days since
the living room
I realised it's all my fault
but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days
till I say I'm sorry
Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
as I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish
Though I like my Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi 'cause it's
never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla
It's the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll
know the vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous
you'll have to sign a waiver
[Hard Rock]
I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
You're livin' in the past
It's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do
and that's what I'm gonna do
And I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation
- Oh, no
- No, no, no, no, no, no
- Not me
- Me, me, me, me, me, me
And I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted
to improve my station
And I'm only doing good
when I'm having fun
And I don't have
to please no one
- And I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation
- Hey!
- Oh, no
- No, no, no, no, no, no
- Not me
- [Computer Keys Clacking]
I'll be right with you.
So, Cameron.
Here you go.
Nine schools in ten years.
My, my. Army brat?
- Yeah. M-My dad is, uh...
- That's enough.
I'm sure you won't find Padua
any different than your old schools.
Same little ass-wipe shit-for-brains
everywhere. [Chuckles]
Excuse me? Did you just say...
Am I in the right office?
Not any more, you're not. I've got
deviants to see and a novel to finish.
Now, scoot. Scoot!
Okay.
[Clears Throat]
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Patrick Verona.
I see we're making
our visits a weekly ritual.
Only so we can have these moments
together. Should I, uh, hit the lights?
Oh, very clever,
kangaroo boy.
Says here you exposed yourself
in the cafeteria?
I was joking with the lunch lady.
It was a bratwurst.
Bratwurst?
Aren't we the optimist?
Next time, keep it
in your pouch, okay?
Scoot!
Hello! Michael Eckman.
I'm supposed to show you around.
Oh, hi. Thank God.
You know, uh...
- Normally they send down
one of those audio visual geeks.
- No, I do.
- I know what you mean.
- Hey, Michael, where should I
put those slides?
Michael?
So, uh... Cameron.
Here's the breakdown. Over there,
we've got your basic beautiful people.
Now listen. Unless they talk
to you first, don't bother.
- Wait. Is that your rule or theirs?
- Watch. Hey, there.
- Eat me.
- You see that?
- To the left, we have the coffee kids.
- [Coffee Spilling]
- That was Costa Rican, butthead!
- Very edgy.
Don't make any sudden
movements around them.
These delusionals
are your white Rastas.
They're big Marley fans.
They think they're black.
- Semi-political, but mostly...
- Smoke a lot of weed?
- Yeah. These guys...
- Wait, wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?
Yeah, but the closest they've come
to a cow is McDonald's.
[Chuckling]
McDonald's.
These are your future MBAs.
We're all lvy League accepted.
Yuppie greed is back,
my friend.
- Hey, guys, how you doin'?
- Close it, Bogey!
- Yesterday, I was their god.
- What happened?
[Sighs] Bogey Lowenstein
started a rumour that l...
that I buy my lzods
at an outlet mall.
- So they kicked you out?
- Hostile takeover. But don't worry.
- He'll pay. Now, over here...
- Oh, my God.
- What group is she in?
- The "don't even think about it" group.
- That's Bianca Stratford.
She's a sophomore.
- I burn, I pine, I perish.
Of course you do.
You know, she's beautiful and deep.
I'm sure.
Yeah, but see, there's a difference
between like and love.
Because I like my Skechers,
but I love my Prada backpack.
But I love my Skechers.
- That's because
you don't have a Prada backpack.
- Oh.
Listen, forget her.
Incredibly uptight father.
And it's a widely known fact
that the Stratford sisters
aren't allowed to date.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Whatever.
- [Bell Rings]
[Chattering]
Okay, then. What did everyone
think of The Sun Also Rises?
I loved it.
He's so romantic.
Romantic?
Hemingway?
He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist
who squandered half his life...
hanging around Picasso
trying to nail his leftovers.
As opposed to a bitter,
self-righteous hag who has no friends?
[Students Chuckling]
Pipe down, Chachi.
I guess in this society, being male and
an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
- [Students Groaning]
- What about Sylvia Plath...
or Charlotte Bronte
or Simone de Beauvoir?
[Panting]
What'd I miss?
The oppressive patriarchal values
that dictate our education.
Good.
- Hey, hey!
- [Boy] Mr Morgan.
Is there any chance
we could get Kat to take her Midol
before she comes to class?
[Students Chuckling]
Someday you're gonna get bitch-slapped,
and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it.
And Kat, I want to thank you
for your point of view.
I know how difficult it must be for you
to overcome all those years...
of upper-middle class
suburban oppression.
Must be tough.
But the next time you storm the P.T.A.,
crusading for better lunch meat...
or whatever it is
you white girls complain about,
ask them why they can't buy a book
written by a black man!
- That's right, mon!
- Don't even get me started on you two.
[Both Mumbling]
- Anything else?
- Yeah, go to the office.
You're pissing me off.
- What? Mr Morgan...
- Later!
- [Scattered Chuckling]
- Wha...
Undulating with desire,
Adrienne removes her red...
[Sighs]
Crimson cape...
at the sight of
Reginald's stiff and...
Judith!
What's another word
for "engorged"?
I'll look it up.
Okay.
- Swollen. Turgid.
- Tumescent?
Perfect.
So, I hear you were terrorizing
Mr Morgan's class again.
Expressing my opinion
is not a terrorist action.
The way you expressed your opinion
to Bobby Ridgeway?
By the way, his testicle
retrieval operation went quite well,
in case you're interested.
I still maintain that he
kicked himself in the balls.
The point is, Kat...
- Cat.
- [Sighs]
[Purrs]
People perceive you as somewhat...
- Tempestuous?
- "Heinous bitch"
is the term used most often.
You might want to work on that.
Thank you.
As always, thank you
for your excellent guidance.
I'll let you get back
to Reginald's quivering member.
"Quivering member."
I like that.
Virgin alert.
Your favourite.
Ooh.
Lookin' good, ladies.
Oh, she's out of reach, even for you.
- No one's out of reach for me.
- You wanna put money on that?
Money, I've got.
- This I'm gonna do for fun.
- [Scoffs]
- Who's that guy?
- That's Joey Donner.
He's a jerk off, and a model.
- He's a model? [Chuckles]
- A model.
Mostly regional stuff, but he's rumoured
to have a big tube sock ad coming out.
- Really?
- Really.
Man, look at her.
Is she always so...
- Vapid?
- How can you say that? She's totally...
- Conceited.
- What are you talking about?
There's more to her than you think.
Look at the way s-she smiles,
and-and look at her eyes, man.
She's totally pure.
You're missing what's there.
No, no, Cameron, no.
What's there...
is a snotty little princess wearing
a strategically planned sun dress...
to make guys like us realise
that we can never touch her...
and guys like Joey realise
that they want to.
She, my friend, is what we will spend
the rest of our lives not having.
Put her in your spank bank,
move on.
- Move on.
- No, no. You're wrong about her.
I mean, you know, not about the spanking
part, but the rest, you're wrong.
All right... I'm wrong?
You wanna take a shot, be my guest.
She's actually looking
for a French tutor.
Are you serious?
That's perfect!
D-Do you speak French?
Well, no, but I will.
Hey. Your little Rambo look
is out, Kat.
- Didn't you read last month's Cosmo?
- Run along.
I know you can be overwhelmed,
and you can be underwhelmed,
but can you ever
just be "whelmed"?
- I think you can in Europe.
- Hi, ladies.
Would you sweet young things
like a ride?
Careful on the leather.
Whoo!
That's a charming
new development.
It's disgusting.
Remove head from sphincter,
then drive!
- You okay?
- Yeah. Just a minor encounter
with the shrew.
- That's your girlfriend's sister.
- That's Bianca's sister?
The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
- [Sighs] Stay cool, bro.
- Yeah, see you later.
Look out!
My balls!
Oh, boy.
[Grunts]
[Laughs]
Yeah, whoo!
Sunshine on the window
Makes me happy
Like I should be
Outside all around me
Really sleazy
Then it hits me
Don't tell me
You can't see
what it means to me
Me, me, me
Hello, Katarina.
Make anyone cry today?
Sadly, no.
But it's only 4:30.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, precious.
- And where have you been?
- Nowhere.
Hey, what's this?
It says Sarah Lawrence.
[Gasps]
[Screams]
I got in!
[Giggling Excitedly]
I got in!
Uh, honey,
that's great,
but isn't Sarah Lawrence
on the other side of the country?
- Thus the basis of its appeal.
- [Chuckles]
I thought you decided you were
going to stay here and go to school.
"U Dub," like me.
Be a Husky. [Growling]
No, you decided.
Oh, okay, so what, you just pick up
and leave, is that it?
Let's hope so.
Ask Bianca who drove her home.
Kat, don't change the...
Drove? Who drove you home?
Now, don't get upset, Daddy,
but there's this boy...
- Who's a flaming imbecile.
- And I think he might ask me...
Please. I think I know
what he's going to ask you.
And I think I know the answer... no.
It's always no.
What are the two house rules?
Number one: No dating till you graduate.
Number two:
No dating till you graduate.
- That's it.
- Daddy, that's so unfair.
All right, you want to know
what's unfair? This is for you too.
This morning I delivered a set of twins
to a 15-year-old girl.
Do you know what
she said to me?
I'm a crack whore who should have
made my skeezy boyfriend wear a condom?
Close, but no.
She said,
"I should have listened to my father."
- She did not.
- Well, that's what
she would have said...
if she wasn't so doped up.
Can we focus on me
for a second, please?
I am the only girl in school
who's not dating.
- Oh, no you're not.
Your sister doesn't date.
- And I don't intend to.
- And why is that again?
- Have you seen the unwashed miscreants
that go to that school?
Where did you come from?
Planet Loser?
- As opposed to
Planet Look At Me, Look At Me.
- [Scoffs]
[Claps Hands]
Okay, here's how we solve this one.
Old rule out.
New rule: Bianca can date...
when she does.
But she's a mutant!
What if she never dates?
Then you'll never date.
Oh, I like that.
And I'll get to
sleep at night.
The deep slumber of a father whose
daughters aren't out being impregnated.
[Pager Beeping]
- We'll talk about Sarah Lawrence later.
- Fine.
- Wait! Daddy!
- Gotta go.
Can't you just find
some blind, deaf retard...
to take you to the movies
so I can have one date?
I'm sorry. Looks like you'll
just have to miss out...
on the witty repartee
of Joey "Eat Me" Donner.
[Scoffs]
You suck.
[Mockingly]
You suck.
Hi.
Can we make this quick?
Roxanne Corinne and Andrew Jarrett
are having an incredibly horrendous...
public break-up on the quad...
again.
Oh, yeah, um, okay.
I thought that we'd, um,
start with pronunciation,
if that's all right with you.
Not the hacking and gagging
and spitting part, please.
Well, uh, there is
an alternative.
- There is?
- Yeah, French food.
We could eat some together, uh,
Saturday night?
You're asking me out?
That's so cute.
What's your name again?
Cameron. Listen, I know that
your dad doesn't let you date,
but I thought that if
it was for French class.
- Oh, wait a minute. Curtis...
- Cameron.
My dad just came up with a new rule.
I can date when my sister does.
You're kidding.
Let me ask you, do you like sailing?
- 'Cause I read about this
place that rents boats...
- A beaucoup problemo, Calvin.
In case you haven't heard, my sister's
a particularly hideous breed of loser.
Yeah. Yeah, I noticed
she's a little... antisocial.
- Why is that?
- Unsolved mystery.
She used to be really popular,
and then it was like...
she got sick of it or something.
Theories abound as to why,
but I'm pretty sure she's just
incapable of human interaction.
Plus, she's a bitch.
Well, yeah, but I'm sure,
you know, that there are...
lots of guys who wouldn't mind
going out with a difficult woman.
I mean, you know, people jump out
of aeroplanes and ski off cliffs.
It'd be like "Extreme Dating."
Huh?
You think you could find
someone that extreme?
Yeah, sure, why not?
- And you'd do that for me?
- Hell, yes!
I-I mean, you know,
I could look into it.
[Bell Rings]
Now, I have gathered a group of guys...
couldn't be more perfect.
Padua's finest.
Hi.
How you doin'?
Would any of you be interested
in dating Katarina Stratford?
[Laughing]
[Chuckles]
I've never been that ripped.
Maybe if we were
the last two people alive,
and there were no sheep.
- Are there sheep?
- [Screaming]
Did I or did I not tell you
it was pointless?
No one will go out with her.
Hey, hey, what about him?
Him? No, don't...
don't look at him, okay?
He's a criminal.
I heard he lit a state trooper on fire.
- He just did a year in San Quentin.
- Well, at least he's horny.
I'm serious, man.
He's whacked.
He sold his own liver on the
black market for a new set of speakers.
He's our guy.
[Clears Throat]
Hi.
How you doin'?
- Listen, l...
- [Drill Whirring]
Okay.
Later, then.
How do we get him
to date Kat?
[Sighs]
I don't know.
I mean, uh,
we could pay him,
but we don't have any money.
Yeah, well,
what we need is a backer.
- What's that?
- Someone with money who's stupid.
Oh, yeah.
Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up?
Because you don't see many...
Oh, okay.
Yeah. All right.
- Are you lost?
- No.
Actually, I just came by to chat.
- We don't chat.
- Well, actually, I thought...
that I'd run an idea by you,
just to see if you're interested.
- I'm not.
- Well, hear me out.
Now, you want Bianca, right?
But she can't go out with you
because her sister...
is this insane head case, and no one
will go out with her, right?
Does this conversation
have a purpose?
What I think you need to do,
is you need to hire a guy
who'll go out with her.
Someone who doesn't scare so easily.
[Joey]
That guy?
- I heard he ate a live duck once.
- Everything but the beak and feet.
Clearly, he's a solid investment.
- What's in it for you?
- Hey.
I'm walking down the hall and
I say hello to you, you say hello to me.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
You're cool by association.
[Clears Throat]
I'll think about it.
- We're done now.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing
getting him involved?
- Relax, now. Relax.
We let him pretend
he's calling the shots.
While he's busy setting things up,
you have time with Bianca.
- That is a good idea. All right.
- [Chuckling]
I have a dick on my face, don't I?
Now, remember, guys...
grip it and rip it.
[Whistles Blowing]
Hey.
How you doin'?
I had some great duck last night.
Do I know you?
You see that girl?
- Yeah.
- That's Kat Stratford.
- I want you to go out with her.
- [Scoffs]
Yeah, sure, Sparky.
Look, I can't take out her sister
until Kat starts dating.
You see, their dad's whacked out.
He's got this rule where the girls...
That's a touching story. It really is.
Not my problem.
Would you be willing
to make it your problem...
if I provide generous compensation?
[Chuckles] You're gonna pay me
to take out some chick?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Chuckles]
- How much?
- Twenty bucks.
- [Grunts]
- [Whistle Blowing]
Fine, 30.
Well, let's think about this.
We go to the movies,
that's, uh, 15 bucks.
We get popcorn, that's, uh, 53.
And she'll want Raisinettes,
all right?
So, uh, we're looking at 75 bucks.
This isn't a negotiation.
Take it or leave it, Trailer Park.
Fifty bucks
and we got a deal, Fabio.
- [Whistle Blowing]
- Great practise, everybody.
- Good hustle, Stratford.
- [Kat] Thanks, Mr Chapin.
Hey there, girlie.
- How you doin'?
- Sweating like a pig, actually.
And yourself?
Now, there's a way to get
a guy's attention, huh?
My mission in life.
But obviously, I struck your fancy,
so, you see, it worked.
- The world makes sense again.
- [Chuckles]
- Pick you up on Friday, then.
- Oh, right. Friday. Uh-huh.
Well, the night I take you places
you've never been before.
Like where?
The 7-11 on Broadway?
Do you even know my name, screw boy?
I know a lot more than you think.
Doubtful.
Very doubtful.
- We are screwed.
- Hey, I don't want to hear
that defeatist attitude.
- I want to hear you upbeat.
- [Cheerfully] We're screwed!
- There you go.
- [Girl] Hey, Coach Chapin!
Run, Bogey!
Have you ever considered a new look?
I mean, seriously. You could
have some definite potential...
buried under all this hostility.
I'm not hostile.
I'm annoyed.
Why don't you try being nice?
People wouldn't know what to think.
- You forget,
I don't care what people think.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
You don't always have to be
who they want you to be, you know.
I happen to like being adored,
thank you.
Where'd you get the pearls?
- They're Mom's.
- And you've been what,
hiding them for three years?
No. Daddy found them
in a drawer last week.
So you're just gonna start
wearing them now?
It's not like she's
coming back to claim them!
Besides, they look good on me.
Trust me.
They don't.
Nice ride.
Vintage fenders.
Are you following me?
I was in the laundromat.
I saw your car. I came over to say hi.
Hi.
- Not a big talker, huh?
- Depends on the topic.
My fenders don't really whip me
into a verbal frenzy.
- You're not afraid of me, are you?
- Why would I be afraid of you?
- Well, most people are.
- Well, I'm not.
Well, maybe you're not afraid of me, but
I'm sure you've thought about me naked.
Am I that transparent?
I want you, I need you.
Oh, baby, oh, baby.
[Hip-Hop Playing On Stereo]
[Groans]
What is it, asshole day?
- Do you mind?
- Not at all.
- [Laughing]
- You bitch!
[Chuckles]
Whoops.
"Whoops"?
My insurance does not cover P.M.S.!
[Sighs]
Well, then tell them I had a seizure.
Is this about Sarah Lawrence?
Are you punishing me because
I want you to stay close to home?
Aren't you punishing me
because Mom left?
- You think you could leave her
out of this?
- Fine.
- Then stop making my decisions for me.
- I'm your father. That's my right.
So what I want doesn't matter.
You're 18.
You don't know what you want.
And you won't know
what you want till you're 45,
and even if you get it,
you'll be too old to use it.
I want to go
to an east coast school!
I want you to trust me
to make my own choices...
and I want you to stop
trying to control my life
just because you can't control yours!
- Yeah? Well, you know what I want?
- [Pager Beeping]
[Groans]
We'll continue this later.
Can't wait.
Did you just maim Joey's car?
Yeah. Looks like you're gonna
have to take the bus.
Has the fact
that you're completely psycho...
managed to escape your attention?
Daddy!
- When I shell out 50, I expect results.
- Yeah, I'm on it.
Watching that bitch violate my car
doesn't count as a date.
Now, if you don't get any,
I don't get any.
So get some.
I just upped my price.
- What?
- Hundred bucks a date.
- In advance.
- [Scoffs] Forget it.
Well, forget her sister, then.
You better hope you're as smooth
as you think you are, Verona.
- Go.
- No, you go.
I went before.
We know what you're trying to do
with Kat Stratford.
Is that right?
What do you plan to do about it?
- Help you out.
- Why's that?
[Stammering]
The situation is,
my man Cameron here
has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.
What is it with this chick?
She have beer-flavoured nipples?
- Hey!
- I-I, uh... I think I speak correctly...
when I say that Cameron's love is pure,
purer than, say, Joey Donner's.
I'm in this for the cash.
Donner can plough whoever he wants.
Okay, there will be no ploughing.
Patrick, uh... Pat...
Let me explain something
to you here.
We set this whole thing up
so Cameron can get the girl. Cameron.
Joey's just a pawn.
- So, you two are gonna
help me tame the wild beast.
- Absolutely.
We'll do some research,
we'll find out what she likes.
We're your guys.
And he means that in
a strictly non-prison movie type of way.
Uh, [Clears Throat]
Let's start here.
Now, Friday night,
Bogey Lowenstein is having a party.
It's the perfect opportunity.
- Perfect opportunity for what?
- For you to take out Kat.
I'll think about it.
And for a little payback.
This is gonna be some party.
Let's do this.
Sexy boy
Sexy boy
Now, this is really important, okay?
Which one do you like better?
Hmm. I think I like
the white shirt better.
- Yeah, it's... It's more...
- Pensive?
Damn.
I was going for thoughtful.
So, are you going to Bogie Lowenbrau's
thing on Friday night?
Yeah, I might.
Good, 'cause you know, I'm not
gonna bother if you won't be there.
- [Bell Ringing]
- See you there.
- Okay.
- All right.
Sexy boy
[Cameron] So, have you heard
about Bogey Lowenstein's party?
Yes, and I really, really,
really want to go.
But you know I can't.
Not unless my sister does.
Yeah, I know.
I'm working on that, but so far,
you know, she's not going for my guy.
- She's not a...
- K.D. Lang fan? No.
I found a picture of Jared Leto
in her drawer once,
so I'm pretty sure she's not
harbouring same-sex tendencies.
Okay, so that's the kind of guys
she likes... Like, pretty guys.
I don't know.
All I've ever heard her say...
is that she'd die before
dating a guy that smokes.
Okay, all right, no smoking.
What else?
You're asking me
to investigate the inner workings...
of my sister's twisted mind?
I don't think so.
Well, nothing else has worked.
We need to go behind enemy lines here.
Okay, here we go.
Class schedule, reading list,
date book, concert tickets,
concert tickets.
Aha! Black panties!
What does that tell us?
She wants to have sex someday,
that's what.
You...
She could just like the colour.
You don't buy black lingerie
unless you want someone to see it.
Oh.
So, uh...
Can I see your room?
No.
A girl's room is very personal.
Oh, okay.
[Clears Throat]
[Beeping Horn]
- Nice bike.
- Yeah, you think so?
Wow.
Is this what a bar looks like?
Don't touch anything.
You may get hepatitis.
So, what have you got for me?
A little insight
into a very complicated girl.
Excuse me.
Just one question before we start.
Should you be drinking alcohol
when you don't have a liver?
- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.
All right, first thing.
Kat hates smokers.
So, you're telling me
I'm a... non-smoker.
- Yes. Well, just for now.
- And here's another problem.
Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.
- Are you telling me
I'm not a pretty guy?
- He's very pretty!
- This is a gorgeous guy.
- I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
All right. Uh, yeah, okay.
Here's this.
[Clears Throat]
"Likes.
"Thai food, feminist prose
and angry girl music...
of the indie rock persuasion."
Here's a list of CDs
she has in her room.
So, I'm supposed to buy her
some noodles and a book...
and sit around listening to chicks who
can't play their instruments, right?
Have you ever been to Club Skunk?
[Cameron] Her favourite band's
playing there tomorrow night.
I can't be seen at Club Skunk,
all right?
But she'll be there.
She's got tickets.
Assail your ears for one night.
She has a pair of black underwear.
[Cameron]
If that helps.
Couldn't hurt, right?
[Chuckles]
[Rock]
You can talk
You can talk about it
If I'm wrong
If I'm wrong
I'll take the blame
You can talk
As the hours slip away
As my own
I can call another day
Come on, come on
To my embrace
How you sleep so easy
Is a mystery
You caught my ear
Pressed to the glass
Pressed to the wall
By the way
It's your second face
I didn't see
Thought what I heard
- [Continues, Indistinct]
- Verona! What are you doing here?
I need agua!
All the things
I didn't know about you
- So won't you come on, come on
- Two waters.
Come on to my embrace
If you're planning on asking me out,
you might as well just get it over with.
Do you mind?
You're kind of ruining this for me.
You're not surrounded by
your usual cloud of smoke.
I know. I quit.
Apparently they're bad for you.
You think?
You know, these guys
are no Bikini Kill or the Raincoats.
But they're not bad.
- You know who the Raincoats are?
- Why, don't you?
I was watching you out there before.
I've never seen you look so sexy.
- [Stops]
- [Laughing]
- Come to Bogey's party with me.
- You never give up, do you?
- [Band Starts]
- Was that a yes?
- No.
- Well, then, was that a no?
- No.
- I'll see you at 9:30 then!
Should have used the window.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi.
Where are we going?
Well, if you must know,
a small study group of friends.
Otherwise known as an orgy?
Mr Stratford, it's just a party.
And hell is just a sauna.
Do you know anything about a party?
- People expect me to be there.
- Kat's not going, you're not going.
Why can't you be normal?
- Define "normal."
- Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.
- What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
- Bogey's party is just a lame excuse...
for all the idiots at our school
to drink beer
and rub up against each other...
in hopes of distracting themselves
from the pathetic emptiness...
- of their meaningless...
- [Together]
Meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
- [Chuckles]
- Can you, for just one night,
forget that you're completely wretched
and be my sister?
Please?
Please?
[Sighs] Come on, Kat.
Please do this for me.
Fine.
I'll make an appearance.
[Shrieking]
- It's starting.
- It's just a party, Daddy.
I want you to wear the belly.
- [Gasps]
- Daddy, no.
Not all night.
Just around the living room for a minute
so you can understand...
the full weight of your decisions.
- I am perfectly aware...
- Listen to me.
Every time you even think
about kissing a boy,
I want you to picture wearing this
under your halter top.
- You are so completely unbalanced.
- [Groans]
- We're going now.
- All right, wait a minute.
No drinking, no drugs, no kissing,
no tattoos, no piercings,
no ritual animal slaughters of any kind.
- Oh, God, I'm giving them ideas.
- [Sighs] Daddy!
- What are you doing here?
- 9:30, right?
- Oh, I'm early.
- Whatever. I'm driving.
Who knocked up your sister?
So then, Bianca says that I was right,
that she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles
with that dress...
because she thought that it was,
uh, mixing genres, right?
And the fact that I noticed...
and this is a direct quote, listen...
"Really meant something."
You told me that part already.
I've been thinking about her
all the time.
Stop being so self-involved
for one minute. How do I look?
You look like my Great-Uncle Milton.
- You think I should lose the tie?
- Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
I'm just so nervous.
And I'm also very excited.
I'm nervous, I'm excited.
It's all very mixed up.
I don't know what to do!
All right, just calm down,
all right? Shh.
The last party I went to
was at Chuck E. Cheese.
You want to talk about some fun.
That's a good time.
Now, remember, guys.
Don't touch anything. [Chuckles]
Oop!
What did I tell you?
- [Doorbell Ringing]
- Oh. Must be Nigel with the Brie.
- [Kicking Door]
- [Group Cheering]
[Funk]
You know, I'm...
I'm thinking of getting a Tercel.
Yeah, that's a Toyota.
It has dual side air bags
and a spacious back seat.
- Kiss me!
- Kiss him.
- Okay.
- Good.
- Hey, thanks, man!
- [Body Thuds]
Sweet.
Looking fresh tonight, pussy cat.
Wait. Was that...
Did your hairline just recede?
- Hey, where are you goin'?
- Away.
- Your sister here?
- Stay away from my sister.
Oh, I'll stay away
from your sister.
But I can't guarantee
she'll stay away from me.
- Fight!
- Ooh, fight!
[Cheering, Hooting]
You guys, please!
Take it outside!
[Group Gasping]
Thank you!
Hey, Kat.
Look who found me.
- Bianca, wait.
- Please do not address me in public.
No, there's something
I need to tell you.
I am busy enjoying my adolescence,
so scamper off and do the same.
Bu-bye.
Want one?
- What is this?
- Right on, sister!
- [Coughs]
- I've been looking
all over the place for you.
I'm getting trashed, man. Isn't that
what you're supposed to do at a party?
I don't know.
I say do what you want to do.
Funny.
You're the only one.
Later.
Lord of the dance!
Hi, Heather.
- Bite me.
- [Chuckles] Should've kept the tie.
Hey. Hey, have you seen her
around anywhere?
- Relax.
- Relax? I'm fine.
Follow the love.
Hi, Bianca.
Oh, hi, Cameron.
Um, you know Chastity?
Uh, yeah. I think, uh,
we have art together, right?
Neat.
So, um, you...
You really look amazing.
- Thanks.
- And we all know I look amazing.
- [Both Laughing]
- Yeah.
Bianca, let's go. We're all
congregating around Mr Cuervo.
Um, I'll see you around, okay?
- [Giggling]
- So, I've got the Sears
catalogue thing going...
and the tube sock gig...
that is gonna be huge.
- [Screams]
- [Crowd Gasping]
And I'm up for
a haemorrhoid cream ad next week.
I know it sounds
kind of bogus, but...
I get to do some acting.
- You see what I did there?
- Uh-huh.
That was underwear. I'll show you
the bathing suit one again.
You see the difference?
All right, I'll show you guys.
Ohhh!
Please tell me I am crazy
That I'm wasting time with you
You'll never be mine
Is it me, or does this party
all of a sudden suck?
Really, really,
thank you!
Hey. Hey, Kat, why don't you
let me have this one, huh?
No!
This one's mine.
My man!
How did you get her to do it?
- Do what?
- Act like a human.
- [Rap]
- Yeah! All right!
Go!
See this?
Whoo!
[Head Hitting Chandelier]
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
You're not fine.
Come on.
- I just need to lie down.
- Uh-huh. You lie down
and you'll go to sleep.
- Sleep is good.
- Not if you have a concussion.
Come on.
Here, sit down.
- Sit.
- Hey, hey, we need to talk.
- I'm a little busy right now.
- Can you give me a second?
- What?
- It's off, okay? The whole thing's off.
- What are you talking about?
- [Sighs]
She never wanted me.
She wanted Joey the whole time.
Cameron, do you like the girl?
- Yeah.
- And is she worth all this trouble?
I thought she was, but, you know, l...
Well, she is or she isn't.
See, first of all,
Joey is not half the man you are.
Secondly, don't let anyone
ever make you feel like
you don't deserve what you want.
Go for it!
- [Softly Whimpering]
- [Gasps]
- Come on.
- Why?
[Chuckles]
[Sighs]
- This is so patronizing.
- [Groans]
Leave it to you to use big words
when you're smashed.
- [Chuckles] I don't think so.
- Kat.
- Why are you doing this?
- I told you. You may have a concussion.
You don't care if I never wake up.
- Sure I do.
- Why?
Because then I'd have to start
taking out girls who actually like me.
- Like you could find one.
- Oh, see? That, there.
Who needs affection
when I have blind hatred?
- I just... Let me sit down for a while.
- All right. There.
- [Gasps] Geez!
- Whoo! [Chuckles]
- So, why'd you let him get to you?
- Who?
- Joey.
- I hate him.
Well, you've chosen the perfect
revenge... mainlining tequila.
- Well, you know what they say.
- Nope. What do they say?
No, no, no, no. Kat, come on, wake up!
Look at me!
Listen to me, Kat!
Open your eyes!
[Panting]
Hey.
Your eyes have
a little green in them.
[Chuckles]
[Vomiting]
[Coughing]
[Coughing Continues]
I don't know if we should go.
Hey, a bunch of us
are going to Jarrett's. Ready?
Um, I have to be home in 20 minutes.
Well, you know I don't have to be home
till 2:00, so...
- One more chance.
- Aw, man, I can't.
- Damn.
- That's a shame.
- You wanna go?
- Sure.
- Chastity!
- Hey, you passed.
Bitch.
- Hey. Have fun tonight?
- Tons.
Hey, Cameron?
Um...
Do you think you could
give me a ride home?
- ["Cruel To Be Kind"]
- I should do this.
- Do what?
- This!
- Start a band?
- No, install car stereos.
Yeah, start a band.
My father would love that.
I pick myself up off the ground
To have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
[Turns Radio Off]
You don't strike me as the type that
would ask your father for permission.
- Oh, so now you think you know me?
- I'm getting there.
The only thing people know
about me is that I'm scary.
Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.
Uh, so what's up with your dad?
Is he... Is he a pain in the ass?
No, he just wants me to be
somebody that I'm not.
- Who?
- [Mockingly] Bianca.
Oh, Bianca.
No offence or anything... I mean
I know everyone "digs" your sister...
but, um, she's without.
You know,
you're not as vile
as I thought you were.
Maybe we should do this another time.
[Scoffs]
[Car Radio]
[Engine, Radio Stop]
You never wanted
to go sailing with me, did you?
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
Okay, no, not actually...
Well, then that's all
you had to say.
Have you always been this selfish?
[Softly]
Yes.
You know, just 'cause you're beautiful,
that doesn't mean that you can
treat people like they don't matter.
I mean, I really liked you, okay.
I-I defended you
when people called you conceited,
I helped you when you asked me to,
I learned French for you and then
you just blow me off so you could just...
And I'm back in the game!
Kat, me lady.
You sway to the rhythm of me heart.
Dance for me, cowgirl.
Kat babe, what do we owe you
for the table dance?
All right, not that I give a damn,
but how was everybody's weekend?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Kat.
Unless she kicked the crap
out of your dumb butt,
I don't wanna hear about it.
Okay, let's open up our books
to page 73, Sonnet 141.
And listen up.
In faith, I do not love thee
with mine eyes. For they and thee
a thousand errors note.
But 'tis my heart loves what
they despise.
Who in despite of view
is pleas'd to dote.
Now, I know Shakespeare's
a dead white guy,
but he knows his shit,
so we can overlook that.
I want you all to write
your own version of this sonnet.
[Class Groans]
Yes, Miss l-Have-An-Opinion-
About-Everything?
Do you want this
in iambic pentameter?
You're not gonna fight me on this?
No, I think it's
a really good assignment.
[Chuckles] You're just
messin' with me, aren't you?
- No, I'm really looking forward
to writing it.
- Get out of my class.
- What?
- Out. Get out!
- Thanks, Mr Morgan.
- Shut up.
I can't get enough of you, baby
I can't get enough of you, baby
Yes, it's true
Hey. Cool picture.
What's that collar for? Is that
to keep him from licking his stitches?
[Laughing]
Kidding. No, because I know
you're a fan of Shakespeare.
[Scoffs] More than a fan.
We're involved.
Okay.
Who could refrain,
that had a heart to love...
- and in that heart...
- Courage to make love known.
- That's Macbeth, right?
- Right.
So, listen, l...
I have this friend...
and he likes your friend...
- [People Chattering]
- [Whistle Blowing]
What did you do to her?
I didn't do anything.
She would've been too drunk to remember.
- But the plan was working.
- What do you care?
I thought you wanted out.
Yeah, well, I did, but, uh,
that was until she kissed me.
- Where?
- In the car.
Sorry.
- Dweeb! Putz!
- I'm sorry.
- All right, I talked to her.
I got the scoop.
- What'd she say?
"Hates with him the fire
of a thousand suns."
That's a direct quote.
Thanks, Malcolm.
That's very comforting of you.
We don't know.
She could need a day to cool off.
Maybe two.
Take time for your pleasure
and laugh with love
Take the hand of another
and sing for the wings of a dove
Hey!
Can you imagine who would go to
that antiquated mating ritual?
I would, but I don't have a date.
Do you really want
to get all dressed up...
so some Drakkar Noir-wearing Dexter
with a boner can feel you up...
while you're forced to listen
to a band that by definition blows?
All right, all right, we won't go.
It's not like I've got a dress anyway.
You're looking at this from
entirely the wrong perspective.
We're making a statement.
Oh, goody.
Something new and different for us.
Whoa, whoa
For the wings of a dove
Whoa, whoa
For the wings of a dove
- Whoa, whoa
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
For the wings of a dove
Whoa, whoa
For the wings of a do-o-ove
- Hey there, Cupid.
- [Exasperated Sigh] Hi, Joey.
You're concentrating awfully hard
considering it's gym class.
- [Man Yelps]
- Can I help you?
I want to talk to you about prom.
Ow! Ow-ooo!
Look, you know the deal:
I can't go if Kat doesn't go.
Your sister is going.
- Since when?
- Let's just say I'm taking care of it.
This should take care of the flowers,
the limo, the tux, everything.
Just make sure she gets to the prom.
Do you know what?
I'm sick of playing your little game.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
You sick of, let's say, 300?
I'm not the sort of person
Who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start
I have a lover
Who loves me
How could I break such a heart
And still you get my attention
Why do you come here
When you know
I've got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know
I can't answer the phone
Make me lie and I don't want to
And make someone else
some kind of an unknowin' fool
[Fades]
Excuse me. Have you seen The
Feminine Mystique? I've lost my copy.
- What are you doing here?
- I heard there was a poetry reading.
- You're so...
- Charming.
Wholesome.
Unwelcome.
You're not as mean as you think you are,
you know that?
And you're not as badass
as you think you are.
Ooo, someone still has
her panties in a twist.
Don't for one minute think that you had
any effect whatsoever on my panties.
Then what did I have an effect on?
Other than my upchuck reflex,
nothing.
You're right, she's still pissed.
Sweet love, renew thy force.
Hey! Don't say shit like that to me.
People can hear you.
Look, you embarrassed the girl.
Sacrifice yourself on
the altar of dignity and even the score.
Listen, don't say shit like that to him.
People can hear you.
There's a new kind of world
that's taking over
It's got devils
It's got angels
Sitting on my shoulders
There's a new kind of world
that's taking over
[Microphone Feeds Back]
[Patrick]
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
- [Blowing Whistle]
- [Playing Song]
- I love you, baby
- [Continues Playing]
And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely night
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say
Oh, pretty baby
Don't bring me down, I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I found you, stay
and let me love you, baby
Let me love you
[Continues Playing]
[Laughs]
- [Grimaces Softly]
- [Girl Giggles]
You look pretty nervous.
[Timidly]
Yes, sir.
You're sweating like a pig.
Yes, sir.
Your eyes are all... bloodshot.
Yes, sir.
You've got pot, don't you?
I'm confiscating this.
This too.
Mr Chapin, can I talk to you
for a second?
What can I do for you, Stratford?
I have some ideas on how
we can improve the girls' soccer team.
Great!
Let's talk about it later.
[Whispering]
The window.
The window.
[Chuckles] As you know, we have
a really big game with Hillcrest High...
[Gasps]
Your bicep is huge!
Oh, my God.
The other one's even bigger.
You don't take steroids, do you,
because I've heard steroids...
can severely disintegrate
your... package?
- [Class Groans]
- Not that I'm thinking
about your package.
- That's not the point.
- Let's hope not.
- [Floorboard Creaks]
- The point is they kick
our butts every year.
I was thinking, I devised a plan that
will enable us to finally defeat them.
Which is?
- That thing that you taught us.
- What thing?
- Misdirection.
- I taught you that?
Yeah, you or Siegfried or Roy?
Anyway, that's not important.
- [Floorboard Creaks]
- The... Think about it.
Um, they're looking left
and we're running right.
Bang, we score. We win.
Okay, but how do we get 'em
to look left?
- [Banging]
- Um, like this.
[Class Cheering]
Okay. Well,
now that you've seen "the plan,"
I'm gonna go and show "the plan"
to someone else.
Okay.
Hi.
[Both Laughing]
I can't thank you enough
for helping me sneak out of detention.
- Very cool.
- No problem.
I thought for sure I was busted when I
was climbing out that window, I tell ya.
So, how did you keep him distracted?
I dazzled him with my... wits.
- So, what's your excuse?
- For?
For acting the way we do?
I don't like to do what people expect.
Why should I live up to other people's
expectations instead of my own?
So, you disappoint 'em from the start
and then you're covered, right?
Something like that.
- Then you screwed up.
- How?
You never disappointed me.
Are you up for it?
Up for what?
[Groans]
Fascinating new thing
- [Groans]
- You delight me
And I know you're speaking of me
- [Laughing]
- Fascinating new thing
- [Screams]
- Get beside me
I want you to love me
I'm surprised that
you've never been told before
- [Shouts]
- That you're lovely
and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that
you've never been told before
That you're lovely
and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that
you've never been told before
That you're priceless
Yeah, you're holy
Even when you are not new
- [Laughing]
- All right, come on.
Fascinating new thing
Fascinating new thing
All right
No, none of that stuff is true.
- State trooper.
- Fallacy. Dead guy in the parking lot?
Rumour. The duck?
Hearsay.
Bobby Ridgeway's balls?
Fact. But he deserved it.
He tried to grope me in the lunch line.
- Fair enough.
- The accent?
It's real.
I lived in Australia until I was ten.
- With the Pygmies?
- [Chuckles] Close.
With my mom.
Where were you last year?
I know the porn career is a lie.
Do you?
- Tell me something true.
- Something true.
I hate peas.
No. Something real.
Something no one else knows.
Okay. You're sweet...
and sexy...
[Kisses Neck]
And completely hot for me.
You are amazingly self-assured.
Has anyone ever told you that?
I tell myself that every day, actually.
- Go to the prom with me.
- Is that a request or a command?
Come on. Go with me.
- No.
- No? Why not?
Because I don't want to.
Because it's a stupid tradition.
Come on.
People won't expect you to go.
Why are you pushing this?
What's in it for you?
Oh.
S-So now I need to have a motive
to want to be with you?
You tell me.
Oh, f...
You need therapy, you know that?
Has anyone ever told you that?
- Answer the question, Patrick.
- Nothing!
There is nothing in it for me,
just the pleasure of your company. Okay?
[Scoffs]
[Speaking French]
Wait. Wait a minute.
That... That's not on this page.
Merde.
[Groans, Panting]
Seven!
Good.
- Daddy?
- Hi, honey.
I'd like to discuss tomorrow night
with you. As you know, it's the prom...
The prom? Kat has a date?
Well, no.
Don't think you're fooling me.
I know who you wanna bend the rules for.
It's that hot-rod Joey.
What's a hot rod?
It's a... If your sister's not going,
you're not going. End of story.
Okay, let's review.
Kat, not interested;
me, dying to go.
Do you know what happens at proms?
Yes, Daddy. We'll dance,
we'll kiss, we'll come home.
It's not quite the crisis situation
you imagine.
Kissing, huh?
That's what you think happens?
Got news for you.
Kissing isn't what keeps me up to
my elbows in placenta all day long.
Can we for two seconds ignore the fact
that you're severely unhinged...
and discuss my need for a night
of teenage normalcy?
What's normal?
Those damn Dawson's River kids...
sleeping in each other's beds
and whatnot?
- Daddy, that is so not...
- Got news for ya.
I'm down.
I've got the 4-1-1.
And you are not going out
and getting jiggy with some boy.
I don't care how dope his ride is.
[Groans]
My mama didn't raise no fool.
Thanks, Bill.
Ridiculous amounts of love
across this nation worldwide.
- [Chuckles]
- Believe it.
[Girl]
This is the true story.
- The Real World.
- [Man] Seattle.
- [Knocking]
- [Groans] Come in.
[Slow Piano On TV]
Listen, I know...
[TV Shuts Off]
I know you hate having to sit at home
because I'm not Suzy High School.
- Like you care.
- I do care.
But I'm a firm believer in doing
something for your own reasons...
and not someone else's.
Well, I wish I had that luxury.
You know, I'm the only sophomore
that got asked to go to the prom...
and I can't go because
you don't feel like it.
Joey never told you
that we went out, did he?
- Yeah, okay.
- In ninth, for a month.
- Why?
- Because he was, like, such a babe.
- But you hate Joey.
- Now I do.
So, what happened?
Oh! [Laughs]
Please tell me you're joking.
Just once, right after Mom left.
Everyone was doing it, so...
I did it.
Afterwards I told him I didn't want to
any more because I wasn't ready,
and he got pissed and he dumped me.
After that I swore I'd never do anything
just because everyone else was doing it.
And I haven't since,
with the exception of Bogey's party
and my stunning digestive pyrotechnics.
How is it possible
that I did not know about this?
I warned him that if he told anyone,
the cheerleading squad would find out
how tiny his dick is.
Okay, so why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to let you
make up your mind about him.
Then why did you help Daddy
hold me hostage?
It's not like I'm stupid enough
to repeat your mistakes.
I guess I thought I was protecting you.
By not letting me experience
anything for myself?
Not all experiences are good, Bianca.
You can't always trust
the people you want to.
Well, I guess I'll never know,
will I?
The grey ceiling on the Earth
Well, it lasted for a while
Take my thoughts
for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
But what else, what else can I do
I said I'm sorry
Yes, I'm sorry
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Bye, Dad.
I'm going to the prom.
- Funny, sweetie.
- [Door Opens]
- It instantly covers your bald spot
leaving you with great looking hair.
- [Door Closes]
- What's that?
- A prom dress.
I seem to be hearing
that word a lot lately.
[Doorbell Rings]
- Hi.
- Wow. I, um...
[Stammers, Chuckles]
Wow.
- [Chuckles] Bye, Daddy.
- Stop.
Turn. Explain.
Okay. Remember how you said
I could date if Kat dated?
Well, she found this guy who's
actually kind of perfect for her
which is perfect for me...
because Cameron asked me to go to
the prom and I really, really wanna go,
and since Kat went I guess I'm allowed
to based on the aforementioned rule...
and its previous stipulations,
of course.
- Nice to meet you.
- Let's go.
I know every cop in town, bucko!
This is not good.
I said I want you to know
I said I want you
to know right now
Well, I want you to know
I said I want you
to kno-o-o-w
Who-o-o-a
Shout, shout
Shout, shout
Hey-a-a-a
[Crowd]
Hey-a-a-a
[Music Fades]
Wow.
You too.
Where'd you get a tux
at the last minute?
Oh, just something I had,
you know, lying around.
- Where'd you get the dress?
- Oh, just something I had,
you know, lying around.
Listen, I'm really sorry
that I questioned your motives.
I was wrong.
[Sighs Deeply]
You're forgiven.
Okay.
- Ready for the prom?
- Yes, ma'am.
Hi, Mr Stratford. I'm Joey.
I'm here to pick up Bianca.
On their minds
Their hormones are raging
and they want it all the time
And I know
I know 'cause you said so
And I can't just let you go and
I know, I know 'cause you said so
- Have you seen him?
- Who?
William.
He asked me to meet him here.
Oh, Mandella, please tell me you haven't
progressed to full-on hallucinations.
You're last to see
and last to touch
But I would never, ever, ever
treat you wrong
Been waiting for you all day long
And I know, I know 'cause you said so
and I can't just let you go
And I know, I know 'cause you said so
and I can't just let you go
- Milady.
- Good sir.
["Cruel To Be Kind"]
Oh, my God, it's...
I called in a favour!
Oh, I can't take
another heartache
Though you say you're my friend
I'm at my wit's end
You say your love is bona fide
But that don't coincide
with the things that you do
And when I ask you to be nice
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind
in the right measure
Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind
means that I love you, baby
You gotta be cruel to be kind
Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo
Cruel to be kind
in the right measure
Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign
[Girls Chattering]
What are you doing here?
I know you didn't think
you were the only sophomore at the prom.
Joey just picked me up.
Oh, well, congratulations.
He's all yours.
Very generous, princess.
And just so you know,
Joey only liked you for one reason.
He even had a bet going
with his friends.
He was gonna nail you tonight.
- Milwaukee.
- What?
That's where I was last year.
I wasn't in jail.
I don't know Marilyn Manson and I didn't
sleep with a Spice Girl, I don't think.
You see, my grandpa, he was ill so
I spent most of the year on his couch...
watching Wheel of Fortune
and making Spaghettios.
End of story.
No way.
Hey. What's Bianca doing here
with that cheese dick?
I didn't pay you to take out Kat so some
little punk could snake me with Bianca.
Nothing in it for you, huh?
The shit hath hitteth...
the faneth.
Joey, pal, compadre?
You messed with the wrong guy,
and now you're gonna pay.
You and that little bitch.
All right, that's enough, okay!
You crossed the line.
Oh, come on!
Get up, you little punk!
Shit, Bianca!
I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!
That's for making my date bleed!
That's for my sister!
- [Groans]
- And that's for me.
Are you okay?
Never been better.
[Groaning Continues]
- Would you give me a chance...
- You were paid to take me out
by the one person I truly hate.
I knew this was a set-up!
Kat, it wasn't like that, okay.
What was it like, a down payment now
and a bonus for sleeping with me?
No, I didn't care about the money!
I cared...
I cared about you.
You are so not who I thought you were.
That is how love goes
You will fly
and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
And it's a secret
That no one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
And it's no fairy tale
Take it from me
That's the way
it's supposed to be
[Sighs]
You want?
Thanks.
So, you sure you don't want
to go sailing with us? It'll be fun.
No, I'm fine.
Look, I don't know if I ever thanked you
for going last night,
but it really meant a lot to me.
I'm glad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You ready?
- Mm-mm.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Is... Is she okay?
- I hope so.
[Door Closes]
Where's your sister going?
She's meeting some bikers,
big ones, full of sperm.
Funny.
So, tell me about this dance.
Was it hoppin'?
Parts of it.
Which parts?
The part where Bianca
beat the hell out of some guy.
- Bianca did what?
- What's the matter,
upset that I rubbed off on her?
No, impressed.
Fathers don't like to admit it
when their daughters are capable
of running their own lives.
It means we've become spectators.
Bianca still lets me play a few innings.
You've had me on the bench for years.
And when you go to Sarah Lawrence
I won't even be able to watch the game.
When I go?
Oh, boy. Don't tell me
you changed your mind.
I already sent 'em a cheque.
All right, I assume everyone
has found time to complete their poem,
except for Mr Donner,
[Laughing]
Who has an excuse.
Shaft, lose the glasses.
All right, anyone brave enough
to read theirs aloud?
I will.
Lord, here we go.
[Clears Throat]
"I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair.
"I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
"I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
"I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
[Sighs] "I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
"I hate it when you lie.
"I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
"I hate it when you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call.
"But mostly, I hate the way
I don't hate you, not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all."
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
- Nice, huh?
- A Fender Strat?
Is it for me?
Yeah, I thought you could use it,
you know, when you start your band.
Besides,
I had some extra cash, you know.
Some asshole paid me
to take out this really great girl.
Is that right?
Yeah, but I screwed up.
I, um... I fell for her.
Really?
It's not everyday you find a girl
who'll flash someone
to get you out of detention.
Oh, God.
You can't just buy me a guitar
every time you screw up, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But there's always drums and bass
and maybe even one day a tambourine.
And don't just think you can...
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
Shine up my old brown shoes
I put on a brand-new shirt
I'll get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Feelin' all alone without a friend
You know you feel like dyin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
Shine up my old brown shoes
I put on a brand-new shirt
I'll get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Feelin' all alone without a friend
you know you feel like dyin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Hey!
Feelin' all alone without a friend
you know you feel like dyin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
No offence. I know everyone "digs"
your sister and all, but, um...
she's without.
You know, you're not as vile
as I thought you were.
[Both Laughing]
You suck.
Okay. Let's go!
You're just messin' with me,
aren't you?
- No, I'm really
looking forward to doing it.
- Go see Miss Perky.
- What?
- Go. Perky's. Go, now.
[Director] Once again.
"Perky, now" is the second one.
- Perky's now. Perky's, now.
- Right away.
- Now, Perky's.
- Hey, hey.
- Now, Perky's. Perky's now.
- At the beginning of the shot.
Perk... Oh.
Bianca, let's go. We're all
congregating around Mr Cuervo.
Um, I'll see you around, okay?
Don't worry.
There's better for you...
and it's right here.
- Come here.
No, I wanted you for so long.
- [Crew Laughing]
You messed with the wrong guy,
and now you're gonna pay.
You and that little bitch.
All right, that's enough, okay!
You crossed the line.
What, are you kidding me?
[Bleeping]
- I'm driving, so I pick the tunes.
- And it's my car.
[Screaming]
I want some coffee!
Could I get a prophylactic?
A prophylactic.
Ahhhh.
- Let go!
- How could you set me up like that?
Oh, God, I just wanted...
To completely damage me,
send me to therapy forever?
- Ow! No, I just wanted...
- Ladies.
[Whimpering]
- Shall we go to my office?
- Tout de suite!
Tout de suite!
Oh, my God!
[Man] Okay, guys, here we go.
Here we go.
One, two...
One, two, three...
[Rock]
It's been one week
since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry
Five days since you
laughed at me saying
Get that together
come back and see me
Three days since
the living room
I realised it's all my fault
but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days
till I say I'm sorry
Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
as I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish
Though I like my Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi 'cause it's
never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla
It's the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll
know the vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous
you'll have to sign a waiver
[Hard Rock]
I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
You're livin' in the past
It's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do
and that's what I'm gonna do
And I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation
- Oh, no
- No, no, no, no, no, no
- Not me
- Me, me, me, me, me, me
And I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted
to improve my station
And I'm only doing good
when I'm having fun
And I don't have
to please no one
- And I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation
- Hey!
- Oh, no
- No, no, no, no, no, no
- Not me
- [Computer Keys Clacking]
I'll be right with you.
So, Cameron.
Here you go.
Nine schools in ten years.
My, my. Army brat?
- Yeah. M-My dad is, uh...
- That's enough.
I'm sure you won't find Padua
any different than your old schools.
Same little ass-wipe shit-for-brains
everywhere. [Chuckles]
Excuse me? Did you just say...
Am I in the right office?
Not any more, you're not. I've got
deviants to see and a novel to finish.
Now, scoot. Scoot!
Okay.
[Clears Throat]
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Patrick Verona.
I see we're making
our visits a weekly ritual.
Only so we can have these moments
together. Should I, uh, hit the lights?
Oh, very clever,
kangaroo boy.
Says here you exposed yourself
in the cafeteria?
I was joking with the lunch lady.
It was a bratwurst.
Bratwurst?
Aren't we the optimist?
Next time, keep it
in your pouch, okay?
Scoot!
Hello! Michael Eckman.
I'm supposed to show you around.
Oh, hi. Thank God.
You know, uh...
- Normally they send down
one of those audio visual geeks.
- No, I do.
- I know what you mean.
- Hey, Michael, where should I
put those slides?
Michael?
So, uh... Cameron.
Here's the breakdown. Over there,
we've got your basic beautiful people.
Now listen. Unless they talk
to you first, don't bother.
- Wait. Is that your rule or theirs?
- Watch. Hey, there.
- Eat me.
- You see that?
- To the left, we have the coffee kids.
- [Coffee Spilling]
- That was Costa Rican, butthead!
- Very edgy.
Don't make any sudden
movements around them.
These delusionals
are your white Rastas.
They're big Marley fans.
They think they're black.
- Semi-political, but mostly...
- Smoke a lot of weed?
- Yeah. These guys...
- Wait, wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?
Yeah, but the closest they've come
to a cow is McDonald's.
[Chuckling]
McDonald's.
These are your future MBAs.
We're all lvy League accepted.
Yuppie greed is back,
my friend.
- Hey, guys, how you doin'?
- Close it, Bogey!
- Yesterday, I was their god.
- What happened?
[Sighs] Bogey Lowenstein
started a rumour that l...
that I buy my lzods
at an outlet mall.
- So they kicked you out?
- Hostile takeover. But don't worry.
- He'll pay. Now, over here...
- Oh, my God.
- What group is she in?
- The "don't even think about it" group.
- That's Bianca Stratford.
She's a sophomore.
- I burn, I pine, I perish.
Of course you do.
You know, she's beautiful and deep.
I'm sure.
Yeah, but see, there's a difference
between like and love.
Because I like my Skechers,
but I love my Prada backpack.
But I love my Skechers.
- That's because
you don't have a Prada backpack.
- Oh.
Listen, forget her.
Incredibly uptight father.
And it's a widely known fact
that the Stratford sisters
aren't allowed to date.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Whatever.
- [Bell Rings]
[Chattering]
Okay, then. What did everyone
think of The Sun Also Rises?
I loved it.
He's so romantic.
Romantic?
Hemingway?
He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist
who squandered half his life...
hanging around Picasso
trying to nail his leftovers.
As opposed to a bitter,
self-righteous hag who has no friends?
[Students Chuckling]
Pipe down, Chachi.
I guess in this society, being male and
an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
- [Students Groaning]
- What about Sylvia Plath...
or Charlotte Bronte
or Simone de Beauvoir?
[Panting]
What'd I miss?
The oppressive patriarchal values
that dictate our education.
Good.
- Hey, hey!
- [Boy] Mr Morgan.
Is there any chance
we could get Kat to take her Midol
before she comes to class?
[Students Chuckling]
Someday you're gonna get bitch-slapped,
and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it.
And Kat, I want to thank you
for your point of view.
I know how difficult it must be for you
to overcome all those years...
of upper-middle class
suburban oppression.
Must be tough.
But the next time you storm the P.T.A.,
crusading for better lunch meat...
or whatever it is
you white girls complain about,
ask them why they can't buy a book
written by a black man!
- That's right, mon!
- Don't even get me started on you two.
[Both Mumbling]
- Anything else?
- Yeah, go to the office.
You're pissing me off.
- What? Mr Morgan...
- Later!
- [Scattered Chuckling]
- Wha...
Undulating with desire,
Adrienne removes her red...
[Sighs]
Crimson cape...
at the sight of
Reginald's stiff and...
Judith!
What's another word
for "engorged"?
I'll look it up.
Okay.
- Swollen. Turgid.
- Tumescent?
Perfect.
So, I hear you were terrorizing
Mr Morgan's class again.
Expressing my opinion
is not a terrorist action.
The way you expressed your opinion
to Bobby Ridgeway?
By the way, his testicle
retrieval operation went quite well,
in case you're interested.
I still maintain that he
kicked himself in the balls.
The point is, Kat...
- Cat.
- [Sighs]
[Purrs]
People perceive you as somewhat...
- Tempestuous?
- "Heinous bitch"
is the term used most often.
You might want to work on that.
Thank you.
As always, thank you
for your excellent guidance.
I'll let you get back
to Reginald's quivering member.
"Quivering member."
I like that.
Virgin alert.
Your favourite.
Ooh.
Lookin' good, ladies.
Oh, she's out of reach, even for you.
- No one's out of reach for me.
- You wanna put money on that?
Money, I've got.
- This I'm gonna do for fun.
- [Scoffs]
- Who's that guy?
- That's Joey Donner.
He's a jerk off, and a model.
- He's a model? [Chuckles]
- A model.
Mostly regional stuff, but he's rumoured
to have a big tube sock ad coming out.
- Really?
- Really.
Man, look at her.
Is she always so...
- Vapid?
- How can you say that? She's totally...
- Conceited.
- What are you talking about?
There's more to her than you think.
Look at the way s-she smiles,
and-and look at her eyes, man.
She's totally pure.
You're missing what's there.
No, no, Cameron, no.
What's there...
is a snotty little princess wearing
a strategically planned sun dress...
to make guys like us realise
that we can never touch her...
and guys like Joey realise
that they want to.
She, my friend, is what we will spend
the rest of our lives not having.
Put her in your spank bank,
move on.
- Move on.
- No, no. You're wrong about her.
I mean, you know, not about the spanking
part, but the rest, you're wrong.
All right... I'm wrong?
You wanna take a shot, be my guest.
She's actually looking
for a French tutor.
Are you serious?
That's perfect!
D-Do you speak French?
Well, no, but I will.
Hey. Your little Rambo look
is out, Kat.
- Didn't you read last month's Cosmo?
- Run along.
I know you can be overwhelmed,
and you can be underwhelmed,
but can you ever
just be "whelmed"?
- I think you can in Europe.
- Hi, ladies.
Would you sweet young things
like a ride?
Careful on the leather.
Whoo!
That's a charming
new development.
It's disgusting.
Remove head from sphincter,
then drive!
- You okay?
- Yeah. Just a minor encounter
with the shrew.
- That's your girlfriend's sister.
- That's Bianca's sister?
The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
- [Sighs] Stay cool, bro.
- Yeah, see you later.
Look out!
My balls!
Oh, boy.
[Grunts]
[Laughs]
Yeah, whoo!
Sunshine on the window
Makes me happy
Like I should be
Outside all around me
Really sleazy
Then it hits me
Don't tell me
You can't see
what it means to me
Me, me, me
Hello, Katarina.
Make anyone cry today?
Sadly, no.
But it's only 4:30.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, precious.
- And where have you been?
- Nowhere.
Hey, what's this?
It says Sarah Lawrence.
[Gasps]
[Screams]
I got in!
[Giggling Excitedly]
I got in!
Uh, honey,
that's great,
but isn't Sarah Lawrence
on the other side of the country?
- Thus the basis of its appeal.
- [Chuckles]
I thought you decided you were
going to stay here and go to school.
"U Dub," like me.
Be a Husky. [Growling]
No, you decided.
Oh, okay, so what, you just pick up
and leave, is that it?
Let's hope so.
Ask Bianca who drove her home.
Kat, don't change the...
Drove? Who drove you home?
Now, don't get upset, Daddy,
but there's this boy...
- Who's a flaming imbecile.
- And I think he might ask me...
Please. I think I know
what he's going to ask you.
And I think I know the answer... no.
It's always no.
What are the two house rules?
Number one: No dating till you graduate.
Number two:
No dating till you graduate.
- That's it.
- Daddy, that's so unfair.
All right, you want to know
what's unfair? This is for you too.
This morning I delivered a set of twins
to a 15-year-old girl.
Do you know what
she said to me?
I'm a crack whore who should have
made my skeezy boyfriend wear a condom?
Close, but no.
She said,
"I should have listened to my father."
- She did not.
- Well, that's what
she would have said...
if she wasn't so doped up.
Can we focus on me
for a second, please?
I am the only girl in school
who's not dating.
- Oh, no you're not.
Your sister doesn't date.
- And I don't intend to.
- And why is that again?
- Have you seen the unwashed miscreants
that go to that school?
Where did you come from?
Planet Loser?
- As opposed to
Planet Look At Me, Look At Me.
- [Scoffs]
[Claps Hands]
Okay, here's how we solve this one.
Old rule out.
New rule: Bianca can date...
when she does.
But she's a mutant!
What if she never dates?
Then you'll never date.
Oh, I like that.
And I'll get to
sleep at night.
The deep slumber of a father whose
daughters aren't out being impregnated.
[Pager Beeping]
- We'll talk about Sarah Lawrence later.
- Fine.
- Wait! Daddy!
- Gotta go.
Can't you just find
some blind, deaf retard...
to take you to the movies
so I can have one date?
I'm sorry. Looks like you'll
just have to miss out...
on the witty repartee
of Joey "Eat Me" Donner.
[Scoffs]
You suck.
[Mockingly]
You suck.
Hi.
Can we make this quick?
Roxanne Corinne and Andrew Jarrett
are having an incredibly horrendous...
public break-up on the quad...
again.
Oh, yeah, um, okay.
I thought that we'd, um,
start with pronunciation,
if that's all right with you.
Not the hacking and gagging
and spitting part, please.
Well, uh, there is
an alternative.
- There is?
- Yeah, French food.
We could eat some together, uh,
Saturday night?
You're asking me out?
That's so cute.
What's your name again?
Cameron. Listen, I know that
your dad doesn't let you date,
but I thought that if
it was for French class.
- Oh, wait a minute. Curtis...
- Cameron.
My dad just came up with a new rule.
I can date when my sister does.
You're kidding.
Let me ask you, do you like sailing?
- 'Cause I read about this
place that rents boats...
- A beaucoup problemo, Calvin.
In case you haven't heard, my sister's
a particularly hideous breed of loser.
Yeah. Yeah, I noticed
she's a little... antisocial.
- Why is that?
- Unsolved mystery.
She used to be really popular,
and then it was like...
she got sick of it or something.
Theories abound as to why,
but I'm pretty sure she's just
incapable of human interaction.
Plus, she's a bitch.
Well, yeah, but I'm sure,
you know, that there are...
lots of guys who wouldn't mind
going out with a difficult woman.
I mean, you know, people jump out
of aeroplanes and ski off cliffs.
It'd be like "Extreme Dating."
Huh?
You think you could find
someone that extreme?
Yeah, sure, why not?
- And you'd do that for me?
- Hell, yes!
I-I mean, you know,
I could look into it.
[Bell Rings]
Now, I have gathered a group of guys...
couldn't be more perfect.
Padua's finest.
Hi.
How you doin'?
Would any of you be interested
in dating Katarina Stratford?
[Laughing]
[Chuckles]
I've never been that ripped.
Maybe if we were
the last two people alive,
and there were no sheep.
- Are there sheep?
- [Screaming]
Did I or did I not tell you
it was pointless?
No one will go out with her.
Hey, hey, what about him?
Him? No, don't...
don't look at him, okay?
He's a criminal.
I heard he lit a state trooper on fire.
- He just did a year in San Quentin.
- Well, at least he's horny.
I'm serious, man.
He's whacked.
He sold his own liver on the
black market for a new set of speakers.
He's our guy.
[Clears Throat]
Hi.
How you doin'?
- Listen, l...
- [Drill Whirring]
Okay.
Later, then.
How do we get him
to date Kat?
[Sighs]
I don't know.
I mean, uh,
we could pay him,
but we don't have any money.
Yeah, well,
what we need is a backer.
- What's that?
- Someone with money who's stupid.
Oh, yeah.
Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up?
Because you don't see many...
Oh, okay.
Yeah. All right.
- Are you lost?
- No.
Actually, I just came by to chat.
- We don't chat.
- Well, actually, I thought...
that I'd run an idea by you,
just to see if you're interested.
- I'm not.
- Well, hear me out.
Now, you want Bianca, right?
But she can't go out with you
because her sister...
is this insane head case, and no one
will go out with her, right?
Does this conversation
have a purpose?
What I think you need to do,
is you need to hire a guy
who'll go out with her.
Someone who doesn't scare so easily.
[Joey]
That guy?
- I heard he ate a live duck once.
- Everything but the beak and feet.
Clearly, he's a solid investment.
- What's in it for you?
- Hey.
I'm walking down the hall and
I say hello to you, you say hello to me.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
You're cool by association.
[Clears Throat]
I'll think about it.
- We're done now.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing
getting him involved?
- Relax, now. Relax.
We let him pretend
he's calling the shots.
While he's busy setting things up,
you have time with Bianca.
- That is a good idea. All right.
- [Chuckling]
I have a dick on my face, don't I?
Now, remember, guys...
grip it and rip it.
[Whistles Blowing]
Hey.
How you doin'?
I had some great duck last night.
Do I know you?
You see that girl?
- Yeah.
- That's Kat Stratford.
- I want you to go out with her.
- [Scoffs]
Yeah, sure, Sparky.
Look, I can't take out her sister
until Kat starts dating.
You see, their dad's whacked out.
He's got this rule where the girls...
That's a touching story. It really is.
Not my problem.
Would you be willing
to make it your problem...
if I provide generous compensation?
[Chuckles] You're gonna pay me
to take out some chick?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Chuckles]
- How much?
- Twenty bucks.
- [Grunts]
- [Whistle Blowing]
Fine, 30.
Well, let's think about this.
We go to the movies,
that's, uh, 15 bucks.
We get popcorn, that's, uh, 53.
And she'll want Raisinettes,
all right?
So, uh, we're looking at 75 bucks.
This isn't a negotiation.
Take it or leave it, Trailer Park.
Fifty bucks
and we got a deal, Fabio.
- [Whistle Blowing]
- Great practise, everybody.
- Good hustle, Stratford.
- [Kat] Thanks, Mr Chapin.
Hey there, girlie.
- How you doin'?
- Sweating like a pig, actually.
And yourself?
Now, there's a way to get
a guy's attention, huh?
My mission in life.
But obviously, I struck your fancy,
so, you see, it worked.
- The world makes sense again.
- [Chuckles]
- Pick you up on Friday, then.
- Oh, right. Friday. Uh-huh.
Well, the night I take you places
you've never been before.
Like where?
The 7-11 on Broadway?
Do you even know my name, screw boy?
I know a lot more than you think.
Doubtful.
Very doubtful.
- We are screwed.
- Hey, I don't want to hear
that defeatist attitude.
- I want to hear you upbeat.
- [Cheerfully] We're screwed!
- There you go.
- [Girl] Hey, Coach Chapin!
Run, Bogey!
Have you ever considered a new look?
I mean, seriously. You could
have some definite potential...
buried under all this hostility.
I'm not hostile.
I'm annoyed.
Why don't you try being nice?
People wouldn't know what to think.
- You forget,
I don't care what people think.
- Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
You don't always have to be
who they want you to be, you know.
I happen to like being adored,
thank you.
Where'd you get the pearls?
- They're Mom's.
- And you've been what,
hiding them for three years?
No. Daddy found them
in a drawer last week.
So you're just gonna start
wearing them now?
It's not like she's
coming back to claim them!
Besides, they look good on me.
Trust me.
They don't.
Nice ride.
Vintage fenders.
Are you following me?
I was in the laundromat.
I saw your car. I came over to say hi.
Hi.
- Not a big talker, huh?
- Depends on the topic.
My fenders don't really whip me
into a verbal frenzy.
- You're not afraid of me, are you?
- Why would I be afraid of you?
- Well, most people are.
- Well, I'm not.
Well, maybe you're not afraid of me, but
I'm sure you've thought about me naked.
Am I that transparent?
I want you, I need you.
Oh, baby, oh, baby.
[Hip-Hop Playing On Stereo]
[Groans]
What is it, asshole day?
- Do you mind?
- Not at all.
- [Laughing]
- You bitch!
[Chuckles]
Whoops.
"Whoops"?
My insurance does not cover P.M.S.!
[Sighs]
Well, then tell them I had a seizure.
Is this about Sarah Lawrence?
Are you punishing me because
I want you to stay close to home?
Aren't you punishing me
because Mom left?
- You think you could leave her
out of this?
- Fine.
- Then stop making my decisions for me.
- I'm your father. That's my right.
So what I want doesn't matter.
You're 18.
You don't know what you want.
And you won't know
what you want till you're 45,
and even if you get it,
you'll be too old to use it.
I want to go
to an east coast school!
I want you to trust me
to make my own choices...
and I want you to stop
trying to control my life
just because you can't control yours!
- Yeah? Well, you know what I want?
- [Pager Beeping]
[Groans]
We'll continue this later.
Can't wait.
Did you just maim Joey's car?
Yeah. Looks like you're gonna
have to take the bus.
Has the fact
that you're completely psycho...
managed to escape your attention?
Daddy!
- When I shell out 50, I expect results.
- Yeah, I'm on it.
Watching that bitch violate my car
doesn't count as a date.
Now, if you don't get any,
I don't get any.
So get some.
I just upped my price.
- What?
- Hundred bucks a date.
- In advance.
- [Scoffs] Forget it.
Well, forget her sister, then.
You better hope you're as smooth
as you think you are, Verona.
- Go.
- No, you go.
I went before.
We know what you're trying to do
with Kat Stratford.
Is that right?
What do you plan to do about it?
- Help you out.
- Why's that?
[Stammering]
The situation is,
my man Cameron here
has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.
What is it with this chick?
She have beer-flavoured nipples?
- Hey!
- I-I, uh... I think I speak correctly...
when I say that Cameron's love is pure,
purer than, say, Joey Donner's.
I'm in this for the cash.
Donner can plough whoever he wants.
Okay, there will be no ploughing.
Patrick, uh... Pat...
Let me explain something
to you here.
We set this whole thing up
so Cameron can get the girl. Cameron.
Joey's just a pawn.
- So, you two are gonna
help me tame the wild beast.
- Absolutely.
We'll do some research,
we'll find out what she likes.
We're your guys.
And he means that in
a strictly non-prison movie type of way.
Uh, [Clears Throat]
Let's start here.
Now, Friday night,
Bogey Lowenstein is having a party.
It's the perfect opportunity.
- Perfect opportunity for what?
- For you to take out Kat.
I'll think about it.
And for a little payback.
This is gonna be some party.
Let's do this.
Sexy boy
Sexy boy
Now, this is really important, okay?
Which one do you like better?
Hmm. I think I like
the white shirt better.
- Yeah, it's... It's more...
- Pensive?
Damn.
I was going for thoughtful.
So, are you going to Bogie Lowenbrau's
thing on Friday night?
Yeah, I might.
Good, 'cause you know, I'm not
gonna bother if you won't be there.
- [Bell Ringing]
- See you there.
- Okay.
- All right.
Sexy boy
[Cameron] So, have you heard
about Bogey Lowenstein's party?
Yes, and I really, really,
really want to go.
But you know I can't.
Not unless my sister does.
Yeah, I know.
I'm working on that, but so far,
you know, she's not going for my guy.
- She's not a...
- K.D. Lang fan? No.
I found a picture of Jared Leto
in her drawer once,
so I'm pretty sure she's not
harbouring same-sex tendencies.
Okay, so that's the kind of guys
she likes... Like, pretty guys.
I don't know.
All I've ever heard her say...
is that she'd die before
dating a guy that smokes.
Okay, all right, no smoking.
What else?
You're asking me
to investigate the inner workings...
of my sister's twisted mind?
I don't think so.
Well, nothing else has worked.
We need to go behind enemy lines here.
Okay, here we go.
Class schedule, reading list,
date book, concert tickets,
concert tickets.
Aha! Black panties!
What does that tell us?
She wants to have sex someday,
that's what.
You...
She could just like the colour.
You don't buy black lingerie
unless you want someone to see it.
Oh.
So, uh...
Can I see your room?
No.
A girl's room is very personal.
Oh, okay.
[Clears Throat]
[Beeping Horn]
- Nice bike.
- Yeah, you think so?
Wow.
Is this what a bar looks like?
Don't touch anything.
You may get hepatitis.
So, what have you got for me?
A little insight
into a very complicated girl.
Excuse me.
Just one question before we start.
Should you be drinking alcohol
when you don't have a liver?
- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.
All right, first thing.
Kat hates smokers.
So, you're telling me
I'm a... non-smoker.
- Yes. Well, just for now.
- And here's another problem.
Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.
- Are you telling me
I'm not a pretty guy?
- He's very pretty!
- This is a gorgeous guy.
- I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
All right. Uh, yeah, okay.
Here's this.
[Clears Throat]
"Likes.
"Thai food, feminist prose
and angry girl music...
of the indie rock persuasion."
Here's a list of CDs
she has in her room.
So, I'm supposed to buy her
some noodles and a book...
and sit around listening to chicks who
can't play their instruments, right?
Have you ever been to Club Skunk?
[Cameron] Her favourite band's
playing there tomorrow night.
I can't be seen at Club Skunk,
all right?
But she'll be there.
She's got tickets.
Assail your ears for one night.
She has a pair of black underwear.
[Cameron]
If that helps.
Couldn't hurt, right?
[Chuckles]
[Rock]
You can talk
You can talk about it
If I'm wrong
If I'm wrong
I'll take the blame
You can talk
As the hours slip away
As my own
I can call another day
Come on, come on
To my embrace
How you sleep so easy
Is a mystery
You caught my ear
Pressed to the glass
Pressed to the wall
By the way
It's your second face
I didn't see
Thought what I heard
- [Continues, Indistinct]
- Verona! What are you doing here?
I need agua!
All the things
I didn't know about you
- So won't you come on, come on
- Two waters.
Come on to my embrace
If you're planning on asking me out,
you might as well just get it over with.
Do you mind?
You're kind of ruining this for me.
You're not surrounded by
your usual cloud of smoke.
I know. I quit.
Apparently they're bad for you.
You think?
You know, these guys
are no Bikini Kill or the Raincoats.
But they're not bad.
- You know who the Raincoats are?
- Why, don't you?
I was watching you out there before.
I've never seen you look so sexy.
- [Stops]
- [Laughing]
- Come to Bogey's party with me.
- You never give up, do you?
- [Band Starts]
- Was that a yes?
- No.
- Well, then, was that a no?
- No.
- I'll see you at 9:30 then!
Should have used the window.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi.
Where are we going?
Well, if you must know,
a small study group of friends.
Otherwise known as an orgy?
Mr Stratford, it's just a party.
And hell is just a sauna.
Do you know anything about a party?
- People expect me to be there.
- Kat's not going, you're not going.
Why can't you be normal?
- Define "normal."
- Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.
- What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
- Bogey's party is just a lame excuse...
for all the idiots at our school
to drink beer
and rub up against each other...
in hopes of distracting themselves
from the pathetic emptiness...
- of their meaningless...
- [Together]
Meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
- [Chuckles]
- Can you, for just one night,
forget that you're completely wretched
and be my sister?
Please?
Please?
[Sighs] Come on, Kat.
Please do this for me.
Fine.
I'll make an appearance.
[Shrieking]
- It's starting.
- It's just a party, Daddy.
I want you to wear the belly.
- [Gasps]
- Daddy, no.
Not all night.
Just around the living room for a minute
so you can understand...
the full weight of your decisions.
- I am perfectly aware...
- Listen to me.
Every time you even think
about kissing a boy,
I want you to picture wearing this
under your halter top.
- You are so completely unbalanced.
- [Groans]
- We're going now.
- All right, wait a minute.
No drinking, no drugs, no kissing,
no tattoos, no piercings,
no ritual animal slaughters of any kind.
- Oh, God, I'm giving them ideas.
- [Sighs] Daddy!
- What are you doing here?
- 9:30, right?
- Oh, I'm early.
- Whatever. I'm driving.
Who knocked up your sister?
So then, Bianca says that I was right,
that she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles
with that dress...
because she thought that it was,
uh, mixing genres, right?
And the fact that I noticed...
and this is a direct quote, listen...
"Really meant something."
You told me that part already.
I've been thinking about her
all the time.
Stop being so self-involved
for one minute. How do I look?
You look like my Great-Uncle Milton.
- You think I should lose the tie?
- Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
I'm just so nervous.
And I'm also very excited.
I'm nervous, I'm excited.
It's all very mixed up.
I don't know what to do!
All right, just calm down,
all right? Shh.
The last party I went to
was at Chuck E. Cheese.
You want to talk about some fun.
That's a good time.
Now, remember, guys.
Don't touch anything. [Chuckles]
Oop!
What did I tell you?
- [Doorbell Ringing]
- Oh. Must be Nigel with the Brie.
- [Kicking Door]
- [Group Cheering]
[Funk]
You know, I'm...
I'm thinking of getting a Tercel.
Yeah, that's a Toyota.
It has dual side air bags
and a spacious back seat.
- Kiss me!
- Kiss him.
- Okay.
- Good.
- Hey, thanks, man!
- [Body Thuds]
Sweet.
Looking fresh tonight, pussy cat.
Wait. Was that...
Did your hairline just recede?
- Hey, where are you goin'?
- Away.
- Your sister here?
- Stay away from my sister.
Oh, I'll stay away
from your sister.
But I can't guarantee
she'll stay away from me.
- Fight!
- Ooh, fight!
[Cheering, Hooting]
You guys, please!
Take it outside!
[Group Gasping]
Thank you!
Hey, Kat.
Look who found me.
- Bianca, wait.
- Please do not address me in public.
No, there's something
I need to tell you.
I am busy enjoying my adolescence,
so scamper off and do the same.
Bu-bye.
Want one?
- What is this?
- Right on, sister!
- [Coughs]
- I've been looking
all over the place for you.
I'm getting trashed, man. Isn't that
what you're supposed to do at a party?
I don't know.
I say do what you want to do.
Funny.
You're the only one.
Later.
Lord of the dance!
Hi, Heather.
- Bite me.
- [Chuckles] Should've kept the tie.
Hey. Hey, have you seen her
around anywhere?
- Relax.
- Relax? I'm fine.
Follow the love.
Hi, Bianca.
Oh, hi, Cameron.
Um, you know Chastity?
Uh, yeah. I think, uh,
we have art together, right?
Neat.
So, um, you...
You really look amazing.
- Thanks.
- And we all know I look amazing.
- [Both Laughing]
- Yeah.
Bianca, let's go. We're all
congregating around Mr Cuervo.
Um, I'll see you around, okay?
- [Giggling]
- So, I've got the Sears
catalogue thing going...
and the tube sock gig...
that is gonna be huge.
- [Screams]
- [Crowd Gasping]
And I'm up for
a haemorrhoid cream ad next week.
I know it sounds
kind of bogus, but...
I get to do some acting.
- You see what I did there?
- Uh-huh.
That was underwear. I'll show you
the bathing suit one again.
You see the difference?
All right, I'll show you guys.
Ohhh!
Please tell me I am crazy
That I'm wasting time with you
You'll never be mine
Is it me, or does this party
all of a sudden suck?
Really, really,
thank you!
Hey. Hey, Kat, why don't you
let me have this one, huh?
No!
This one's mine.
My man!
How did you get her to do it?
- Do what?
- Act like a human.
- [Rap]
- Yeah! All right!
Go!
See this?
Whoo!
[Head Hitting Chandelier]
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
You're not fine.
Come on.
- I just need to lie down.
- Uh-huh. You lie down
and you'll go to sleep.
- Sleep is good.
- Not if you have a concussion.
Come on.
Here, sit down.
- Sit.
- Hey, hey, we need to talk.
- I'm a little busy right now.
- Can you give me a second?
- What?
- It's off, okay? The whole thing's off.
- What are you talking about?
- [Sighs]
She never wanted me.
She wanted Joey the whole time.
Cameron, do you like the girl?
- Yeah.
- And is she worth all this trouble?
I thought she was, but, you know, l...
Well, she is or she isn't.
See, first of all,
Joey is not half the man you are.
Secondly, don't let anyone
ever make you feel like
you don't deserve what you want.
Go for it!
- [Softly Whimpering]
- [Gasps]
- Come on.
- Why?
[Chuckles]
[Sighs]
- This is so patronizing.
- [Groans]
Leave it to you to use big words
when you're smashed.
- [Chuckles] I don't think so.
- Kat.
- Why are you doing this?
- I told you. You may have a concussion.
You don't care if I never wake up.
- Sure I do.
- Why?
Because then I'd have to start
taking out girls who actually like me.
- Like you could find one.
- Oh, see? That, there.
Who needs affection
when I have blind hatred?
- I just... Let me sit down for a while.
- All right. There.
- [Gasps] Geez!
- Whoo! [Chuckles]
- So, why'd you let him get to you?
- Who?
- Joey.
- I hate him.
Well, you've chosen the perfect
revenge... mainlining tequila.
- Well, you know what they say.
- Nope. What do they say?
No, no, no, no. Kat, come on, wake up!
Look at me!
Listen to me, Kat!
Open your eyes!
[Panting]
Hey.
Your eyes have
a little green in them.
[Chuckles]
[Vomiting]
[Coughing]
[Coughing Continues]
I don't know if we should go.
Hey, a bunch of us
are going to Jarrett's. Ready?
Um, I have to be home in 20 minutes.
Well, you know I don't have to be home
till 2:00, so...
- One more chance.
- Aw, man, I can't.
- Damn.
- That's a shame.
- You wanna go?
- Sure.
- Chastity!
- Hey, you passed.
Bitch.
- Hey. Have fun tonight?
- Tons.
Hey, Cameron?
Um...
Do you think you could
give me a ride home?
- ["Cruel To Be Kind"]
- I should do this.
- Do what?
- This!
- Start a band?
- No, install car stereos.
Yeah, start a band.
My father would love that.
I pick myself up off the ground
To have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
[Turns Radio Off]
You don't strike me as the type that
would ask your father for permission.
- Oh, so now you think you know me?
- I'm getting there.
The only thing people know
about me is that I'm scary.
Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.
Uh, so what's up with your dad?
Is he... Is he a pain in the ass?
No, he just wants me to be
somebody that I'm not.
- Who?
- [Mockingly] Bianca.
Oh, Bianca.
No offence or anything... I mean
I know everyone "digs" your sister...
but, um, she's without.
You know,
you're not as vile
as I thought you were.
Maybe we should do this another time.
[Scoffs]
[Car Radio]
[Engine, Radio Stop]
You never wanted
to go sailing with me, did you?
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
Okay, no, not actually...
Well, then that's all
you had to say.
Have you always been this selfish?
[Softly]
Yes.
You know, just 'cause you're beautiful,
that doesn't mean that you can
treat people like they don't matter.
I mean, I really liked you, okay.
I-I defended you
when people called you conceited,
I helped you when you asked me to,
I learned French for you and then
you just blow me off so you could just...
And I'm back in the game!
Kat, me lady.
You sway to the rhythm of me heart.
Dance for me, cowgirl.
Kat babe, what do we owe you
for the table dance?
All right, not that I give a damn,
but how was everybody's weekend?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Kat.
Unless she kicked the crap
out of your dumb butt,
I don't wanna hear about it.
Okay, let's open up our books
to page 73, Sonnet 141.
And listen up.
In faith, I do not love thee
with mine eyes. For they and thee
a thousand errors note.
But 'tis my heart loves what
they despise.
Who in despite of view
is pleas'd to dote.
Now, I know Shakespeare's
a dead white guy,
but he knows his shit,
so we can overlook that.
I want you all to write
your own version of this sonnet.
[Class Groans]
Yes, Miss l-Have-An-Opinion-
About-Everything?
Do you want this
in iambic pentameter?
You're not gonna fight me on this?
No, I think it's
a really good assignment.
[Chuckles] You're just
messin' with me, aren't you?
- No, I'm really looking forward
to writing it.
- Get out of my class.
- What?
- Out. Get out!
- Thanks, Mr Morgan.
- Shut up.
I can't get enough of you, baby
I can't get enough of you, baby
Yes, it's true
Hey. Cool picture.
What's that collar for? Is that
to keep him from licking his stitches?
[Laughing]
Kidding. No, because I know
you're a fan of Shakespeare.
[Scoffs] More than a fan.
We're involved.
Okay.
Who could refrain,
that had a heart to love...
- and in that heart...
- Courage to make love known.
- That's Macbeth, right?
- Right.
So, listen, l...
I have this friend...
and he likes your friend...
- [People Chattering]
- [Whistle Blowing]
What did you do to her?
I didn't do anything.
She would've been too drunk to remember.
- But the plan was working.
- What do you care?
I thought you wanted out.
Yeah, well, I did, but, uh,
that was until she kissed me.
- Where?
- In the car.
Sorry.
- Dweeb! Putz!
- I'm sorry.
- All right, I talked to her.
I got the scoop.
- What'd she say?
"Hates with him the fire
of a thousand suns."
That's a direct quote.
Thanks, Malcolm.
That's very comforting of you.
We don't know.
She could need a day to cool off.
Maybe two.
Take time for your pleasure
and laugh with love
Take the hand of another
and sing for the wings of a dove
Hey!
Can you imagine who would go to
that antiquated mating ritual?
I would, but I don't have a date.
Do you really want
to get all dressed up...
so some Drakkar Noir-wearing Dexter
with a boner can feel you up...
while you're forced to listen
to a band that by definition blows?
All right, all right, we won't go.
It's not like I've got a dress anyway.
You're looking at this from
entirely the wrong perspective.
We're making a statement.
Oh, goody.
Something new and different for us.
Whoa, whoa
For the wings of a dove
Whoa, whoa
For the wings of a dove
- Whoa, whoa
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
For the wings of a dove
Whoa, whoa
For the wings of a do-o-ove
- Hey there, Cupid.
- [Exasperated Sigh] Hi, Joey.
You're concentrating awfully hard
considering it's gym class.
- [Man Yelps]
- Can I help you?
I want to talk to you about prom.
Ow! Ow-ooo!
Look, you know the deal:
I can't go if Kat doesn't go.
Your sister is going.
- Since when?
- Let's just say I'm taking care of it.
This should take care of the flowers,
the limo, the tux, everything.
Just make sure she gets to the prom.
Do you know what?
I'm sick of playing your little game.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
You sick of, let's say, 300?
I'm not the sort of person
Who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start
I have a lover
Who loves me
How could I break such a heart
And still you get my attention
Why do you come here
When you know
I've got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know
I can't answer the phone
Make me lie and I don't want to
And make someone else
some kind of an unknowin' fool
[Fades]
Excuse me. Have you seen The
Feminine Mystique? I've lost my copy.
- What are you doing here?
- I heard there was a poetry reading.
- You're so...
- Charming.
Wholesome.
Unwelcome.
You're not as mean as you think you are,
you know that?
And you're not as badass
as you think you are.
Ooo, someone still has
her panties in a twist.
Don't for one minute think that you had
any effect whatsoever on my panties.
Then what did I have an effect on?
Other than my upchuck reflex,
nothing.
You're right, she's still pissed.
Sweet love, renew thy force.
Hey! Don't say shit like that to me.
People can hear you.
Look, you embarrassed the girl.
Sacrifice yourself on
the altar of dignity and even the score.
Listen, don't say shit like that to him.
People can hear you.
There's a new kind of world
that's taking over
It's got devils
It's got angels
Sitting on my shoulders
There's a new kind of world
that's taking over
[Microphone Feeds Back]
[Patrick]
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
- [Blowing Whistle]
- [Playing Song]
- I love you, baby
- [Continues Playing]
And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely night
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say
Oh, pretty baby
Don't bring me down, I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I found you, stay
and let me love you, baby
Let me love you
[Continues Playing]
[Laughs]
- [Grimaces Softly]
- [Girl Giggles]
You look pretty nervous.
[Timidly]
Yes, sir.
You're sweating like a pig.
Yes, sir.
Your eyes are all... bloodshot.
Yes, sir.
You've got pot, don't you?
I'm confiscating this.
This too.
Mr Chapin, can I talk to you
for a second?
What can I do for you, Stratford?
I have some ideas on how
we can improve the girls' soccer team.
Great!
Let's talk about it later.
[Whispering]
The window.
The window.
[Chuckles] As you know, we have
a really big game with Hillcrest High...
[Gasps]
Your bicep is huge!
Oh, my God.
The other one's even bigger.
You don't take steroids, do you,
because I've heard steroids...
can severely disintegrate
your... package?
- [Class Groans]
- Not that I'm thinking
about your package.
- That's not the point.
- Let's hope not.
- [Floorboard Creaks]
- The point is they kick
our butts every year.
I was thinking, I devised a plan that
will enable us to finally defeat them.
Which is?
- That thing that you taught us.
- What thing?
- Misdirection.
- I taught you that?
Yeah, you or Siegfried or Roy?
Anyway, that's not important.
- [Floorboard Creaks]
- The... Think about it.
Um, they're looking left
and we're running right.
Bang, we score. We win.
Okay, but how do we get 'em
to look left?
- [Banging]
- Um, like this.
[Class Cheering]
Okay. Well,
now that you've seen "the plan,"
I'm gonna go and show "the plan"
to someone else.
Okay.
Hi.
[Both Laughing]
I can't thank you enough
for helping me sneak out of detention.
- Very cool.
- No problem.
I thought for sure I was busted when I
was climbing out that window, I tell ya.
So, how did you keep him distracted?
I dazzled him with my... wits.
- So, what's your excuse?
- For?
For acting the way we do?
I don't like to do what people expect.
Why should I live up to other people's
expectations instead of my own?
So, you disappoint 'em from the start
and then you're covered, right?
Something like that.
- Then you screwed up.
- How?
You never disappointed me.
Are you up for it?
Up for what?
[Groans]
Fascinating new thing
- [Groans]
- You delight me
And I know you're speaking of me
- [Laughing]
- Fascinating new thing
- [Screams]
- Get beside me
I want you to love me
I'm surprised that
you've never been told before
- [Shouts]
- That you're lovely
and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that
you've never been told before
That you're lovely
and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that
you've never been told before
That you're priceless
Yeah, you're holy
Even when you are not new
- [Laughing]
- All right, come on.
Fascinating new thing
Fascinating new thing
All right
No, none of that stuff is true.
- State trooper.
- Fallacy. Dead guy in the parking lot?
Rumour. The duck?
Hearsay.
Bobby Ridgeway's balls?
Fact. But he deserved it.
He tried to grope me in the lunch line.
- Fair enough.
- The accent?
It's real.
I lived in Australia until I was ten.
- With the Pygmies?
- [Chuckles] Close.
With my mom.
Where were you last year?
I know the porn career is a lie.
Do you?
- Tell me something true.
- Something true.
I hate peas.
No. Something real.
Something no one else knows.
Okay. You're sweet...
and sexy...
[Kisses Neck]
And completely hot for me.
You are amazingly self-assured.
Has anyone ever told you that?
I tell myself that every day, actually.
- Go to the prom with me.
- Is that a request or a command?
Come on. Go with me.
- No.
- No? Why not?
Because I don't want to.
Because it's a stupid tradition.
Come on.
People won't expect you to go.
Why are you pushing this?
What's in it for you?
Oh.
S-So now I need to have a motive
to want to be with you?
You tell me.
Oh, f...
You need therapy, you know that?
Has anyone ever told you that?
- Answer the question, Patrick.
- Nothing!
There is nothing in it for me,
just the pleasure of your company. Okay?
[Scoffs]
[Speaking French]
Wait. Wait a minute.
That... That's not on this page.
Merde.
[Groans, Panting]
Seven!
Good.
- Daddy?
- Hi, honey.
I'd like to discuss tomorrow night
with you. As you know, it's the prom...
The prom? Kat has a date?
Well, no.
Don't think you're fooling me.
I know who you wanna bend the rules for.
It's that hot-rod Joey.
What's a hot rod?
It's a... If your sister's not going,
you're not going. End of story.
Okay, let's review.
Kat, not interested;
me, dying to go.
Do you know what happens at proms?
Yes, Daddy. We'll dance,
we'll kiss, we'll come home.
It's not quite the crisis situation
you imagine.
Kissing, huh?
That's what you think happens?
Got news for you.
Kissing isn't what keeps me up to
my elbows in placenta all day long.
Can we for two seconds ignore the fact
that you're severely unhinged...
and discuss my need for a night
of teenage normalcy?
What's normal?
Those damn Dawson's River kids...
sleeping in each other's beds
and whatnot?
- Daddy, that is so not...
- Got news for ya.
I'm down.
I've got the 4-1-1.
And you are not going out
and getting jiggy with some boy.
I don't care how dope his ride is.
[Groans]
My mama didn't raise no fool.
Thanks, Bill.
Ridiculous amounts of love
across this nation worldwide.
- [Chuckles]
- Believe it.
[Girl]
This is the true story.
- The Real World.
- [Man] Seattle.
- [Knocking]
- [Groans] Come in.
[Slow Piano On TV]
Listen, I know...
[TV Shuts Off]
I know you hate having to sit at home
because I'm not Suzy High School.
- Like you care.
- I do care.
But I'm a firm believer in doing
something for your own reasons...
and not someone else's.
Well, I wish I had that luxury.
You know, I'm the only sophomore
that got asked to go to the prom...
and I can't go because
you don't feel like it.
Joey never told you
that we went out, did he?
- Yeah, okay.
- In ninth, for a month.
- Why?
- Because he was, like, such a babe.
- But you hate Joey.
- Now I do.
So, what happened?
Oh! [Laughs]
Please tell me you're joking.
Just once, right after Mom left.
Everyone was doing it, so...
I did it.
Afterwards I told him I didn't want to
any more because I wasn't ready,
and he got pissed and he dumped me.
After that I swore I'd never do anything
just because everyone else was doing it.
And I haven't since,
with the exception of Bogey's party
and my stunning digestive pyrotechnics.
How is it possible
that I did not know about this?
I warned him that if he told anyone,
the cheerleading squad would find out
how tiny his dick is.
Okay, so why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to let you
make up your mind about him.
Then why did you help Daddy
hold me hostage?
It's not like I'm stupid enough
to repeat your mistakes.
I guess I thought I was protecting you.
By not letting me experience
anything for myself?
Not all experiences are good, Bianca.
You can't always trust
the people you want to.
Well, I guess I'll never know,
will I?
The grey ceiling on the Earth
Well, it lasted for a while
Take my thoughts
for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
But what else, what else can I do
I said I'm sorry
Yes, I'm sorry
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G.L.H. Is not a paint or a cover-up.
It's an amazing powder that clings
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It actually builds on itself...
leaving you with great,
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- And the G.L.H. Hair system
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- Interesting.
Order your G.L.H. Hair package now.
Bye, Dad.
I'm going to the prom.
- Funny, sweetie.
- [Door Opens]
- It instantly covers your bald spot
leaving you with great looking hair.
- [Door Closes]
- What's that?
- A prom dress.
I seem to be hearing
that word a lot lately.
[Doorbell Rings]
- Hi.
- Wow. I, um...
[Stammers, Chuckles]
Wow.
- [Chuckles] Bye, Daddy.
- Stop.
Turn. Explain.
Okay. Remember how you said
I could date if Kat dated?
Well, she found this guy who's
actually kind of perfect for her
which is perfect for me...
because Cameron asked me to go to
the prom and I really, really wanna go,
and since Kat went I guess I'm allowed
to based on the aforementioned rule...
and its previous stipulations,
of course.
- Nice to meet you.
- Let's go.
I know every cop in town, bucko!
This is not good.
I said I want you to know
I said I want you
to know right now
Well, I want you to know
I said I want you
to kno-o-o-w
Who-o-o-a
Shout, shout
Shout, shout
Hey-a-a-a
[Crowd]
Hey-a-a-a
[Music Fades]
Wow.
You too.
Where'd you get a tux
at the last minute?
Oh, just something I had,
you know, lying around.
- Where'd you get the dress?
- Oh, just something I had,
you know, lying around.
Listen, I'm really sorry
that I questioned your motives.
I was wrong.
[Sighs Deeply]
You're forgiven.
Okay.
- Ready for the prom?
- Yes, ma'am.
Hi, Mr Stratford. I'm Joey.
I'm here to pick up Bianca.
On their minds
Their hormones are raging
and they want it all the time
And I know
I know 'cause you said so
And I can't just let you go and
I know, I know 'cause you said so
- Have you seen him?
- Who?
William.
He asked me to meet him here.
Oh, Mandella, please tell me you haven't
progressed to full-on hallucinations.
You're last to see
and last to touch
But I would never, ever, ever
treat you wrong
Been waiting for you all day long
And I know, I know 'cause you said so
and I can't just let you go
And I know, I know 'cause you said so
and I can't just let you go
- Milady.
- Good sir.
["Cruel To Be Kind"]
Oh, my God, it's...
I called in a favour!
Oh, I can't take
another heartache
Though you say you're my friend
I'm at my wit's end
You say your love is bona fide
But that don't coincide
with the things that you do
And when I ask you to be nice
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind
in the right measure
Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind
means that I love you, baby
You gotta be cruel to be kind
Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo
Cruel to be kind
in the right measure
Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign
[Girls Chattering]
What are you doing here?
I know you didn't think
you were the only sophomore at the prom.
Joey just picked me up.
Oh, well, congratulations.
He's all yours.
Very generous, princess.
And just so you know,
Joey only liked you for one reason.
He even had a bet going
with his friends.
He was gonna nail you tonight.
- Milwaukee.
- What?
That's where I was last year.
I wasn't in jail.
I don't know Marilyn Manson and I didn't
sleep with a Spice Girl, I don't think.
You see, my grandpa, he was ill so
I spent most of the year on his couch...
watching Wheel of Fortune
and making Spaghettios.
End of story.
No way.
Hey. What's Bianca doing here
with that cheese dick?
I didn't pay you to take out Kat so some
little punk could snake me with Bianca.
Nothing in it for you, huh?
The shit hath hitteth...
the faneth.
Joey, pal, compadre?
You messed with the wrong guy,
and now you're gonna pay.
You and that little bitch.
All right, that's enough, okay!
You crossed the line.
Oh, come on!
Get up, you little punk!
Shit, Bianca!
I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!
That's for making my date bleed!
That's for my sister!
- [Groans]
- And that's for me.
Are you okay?
Never been better.
[Groaning Continues]
- Would you give me a chance...
- You were paid to take me out
by the one person I truly hate.
I knew this was a set-up!
Kat, it wasn't like that, okay.
What was it like, a down payment now
and a bonus for sleeping with me?
No, I didn't care about the money!
I cared...
I cared about you.
You are so not who I thought you were.
That is how love goes
You will fly
and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
And it's a secret
That no one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
And it's no fairy tale
Take it from me
That's the way
it's supposed to be
[Sighs]
You want?
Thanks.
So, you sure you don't want
to go sailing with us? It'll be fun.
No, I'm fine.
Look, I don't know if I ever thanked you
for going last night,
but it really meant a lot to me.
I'm glad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You ready?
- Mm-mm.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Is... Is she okay?
- I hope so.
[Door Closes]
Where's your sister going?
She's meeting some bikers,
big ones, full of sperm.
Funny.
So, tell me about this dance.
Was it hoppin'?
Parts of it.
Which parts?
The part where Bianca
beat the hell out of some guy.
- Bianca did what?
- What's the matter,
upset that I rubbed off on her?
No, impressed.
Fathers don't like to admit it
when their daughters are capable
of running their own lives.
It means we've become spectators.
Bianca still lets me play a few innings.
You've had me on the bench for years.
And when you go to Sarah Lawrence
I won't even be able to watch the game.
When I go?
Oh, boy. Don't tell me
you changed your mind.
I already sent 'em a cheque.
All right, I assume everyone
has found time to complete their poem,
except for Mr Donner,
[Laughing]
Who has an excuse.
Shaft, lose the glasses.
All right, anyone brave enough
to read theirs aloud?
I will.
Lord, here we go.
[Clears Throat]
"I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair.
"I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
"I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
"I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
[Sighs] "I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
"I hate it when you lie.
"I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
"I hate it when you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call.
"But mostly, I hate the way
I don't hate you, not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all."
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
- Nice, huh?
- A Fender Strat?
Is it for me?
Yeah, I thought you could use it,
you know, when you start your band.
Besides,
I had some extra cash, you know.
Some asshole paid me
to take out this really great girl.
Is that right?
Yeah, but I screwed up.
I, um... I fell for her.
Really?
It's not everyday you find a girl
who'll flash someone
to get you out of detention.
Oh, God.
You can't just buy me a guitar
every time you screw up, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But there's always drums and bass
and maybe even one day a tambourine.
And don't just think you can...
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
Shine up my old brown shoes
I put on a brand-new shirt
I'll get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Feelin' all alone without a friend
You know you feel like dyin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
Shine up my old brown shoes
I put on a brand-new shirt
I'll get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Feelin' all alone without a friend
you know you feel like dyin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
Hey!
Feelin' all alone without a friend
you know you feel like dyin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
No offence. I know everyone "digs"
your sister and all, but, um...
she's without.
You know, you're not as vile
as I thought you were.
[Both Laughing]
You suck.
Okay. Let's go!
You're just messin' with me,
aren't you?
- No, I'm really
looking forward to doing it.
- Go see Miss Perky.
- What?
- Go. Perky's. Go, now.
[Director] Once again.
"Perky, now" is the second one.
- Perky's now. Perky's, now.
- Right away.
- Now, Perky's.
- Hey, hey.
- Now, Perky's. Perky's now.
- At the beginning of the shot.
Perk... Oh.
Bianca, let's go. We're all
congregating around Mr Cuervo.
Um, I'll see you around, okay?
Don't worry.
There's better for you...
and it's right here.
- Come here.
No, I wanted you for so long.
- [Crew Laughing]
You messed with the wrong guy,
and now you're gonna pay.
You and that little bitch.
All right, that's enough, okay!
You crossed the line.
What, are you kidding me?
[Bleeping]
- I'm driving, so I pick the tunes.
- And it's my car.
[Screaming]
I want some coffee!
Could I get a prophylactic?
A prophylactic.
Ahhhh.
- Let go!
- How could you set me up like that?
Oh, God, I just wanted...
To completely damage me,
send me to therapy forever?
- Ow! No, I just wanted...
- Ladies.
[Whimpering]
- Shall we go to my office?
- Tout de suite!
Tout de suite!
Oh, my God!