12 Pound Balls (2017) Movie Script
Bowling.
One of the world's
oldest sports.
Artifacts date bowling
back to ancient Egypt
and the Roman empire
over 5,000 years ago.
Or as my mom would say,
"about the same age
as the earth."
Modern rules
were established in 1895
in New York City,
and have since evolved
into what is widely regarded
as the highest form
of competition among man.
You got one competitor,
ten pins,
and a polyurethane ball.
Some play for fun,
others compete for glory.
I bowl
because it's who I am.
I'm Emily baardsson
and you're watching...
Ah, jeepers.
Here in roseau county,
we do a big bowling event
every year at my alley.
Actually,
it's not my alley.
Uh, it was my uncle Harley's,
uh, but he's dead now.
I run it,
well, I guess it is my alley.
Anyway, we call it the, uh,
wait for it,
the roseau bowl.
You know,
'cause the football game.
Anyway, it really is a big event
around here every year.
This year
we're gonna reopen
the open-age,
open-gender brackets
to figure out
who is the absolutely
best bowler.
It's a question
that's on everybody's mind,
and we just
have a right to know.
So that's what
we're gonna do, and plus,
it should get me
a whole bunch of extra moolah
from concession sales
'cause last time
we did the open-age,
open-gender bracket,
concession sales
went through the roof.
I mean, you're not making a
bunch of money on shoe rentals.
You're not.
If we can avoid a post-tourney
controversy this time,
we may make
the open-age, open-gender
bracket a regular thing.
Friggin' fountain drink.
That was the first episode
of my video blog,
which was, jeez, wow,
it was six years ago now.
So, yeah,
got a bunch of comments
about the title.
Holy buckets.
I had no idea people were gonna
take it like that.
So I quickly changed it
to "Emily's turkeys"
for the next episode.
You know, because of the whole
three strikes in a row thing?
You're looking at
"Emily's turkeys."
After getting a bunch of
inappropriate nipple comments,
I switched it to "Emily xxx,"
'cause I figured
it's the same thing as
bowling a Turkey,
except not dirty.
What the frick
was I thinking?
To be fair,
that video got a lot
of views,
but I don't think
it's what the people were
expecting, you know?
So after that,
i made the final decision
to call it
"rollin' with Emily,"
and, uh, that's what
my video blog's been
called ever since.
Oh, yeah.
I suppose living legend
would be an appropriate way
to refer to Gunnar solberg.
No, no, after you.
Jeez Louise, go already.
I mean,
how many people can say
they've dominated
ten out of the last
12 roseau bowls?
Gunnar can say that.
He says it all the time.
Ten for 12, baby.
Ten of 12.
Ten of the last 12.
Last seven straight.
Ten for 12? Literally.
I'll learn you
something else,
about five years ago,
they did an open bracket.
Not only did I dominate
my cousin Emily
so hard that
she quit competing,
they closed
the open bracket forever,
till like the end of time.
I mean, until now.
I guess that's what you get
for going to college
thinking you're better than
everybody else.
You ain't better than
Gunnar solberg...
Fart face!
She'll know what
I'm talking about.
I can do a close up
on "fart face"
if you guys need it.
- Nah.
- Like... all right.
Hi, I'm Barry Williams.
I work here at
the warroad bowling alley.
Um, mostly I do
my working in--
uh, frickin' face is itchy--
uh, mostly work in,
uh, concessions,
but when my cash drawer
comes out on point
for three days in a row,
Alan lets me
hit up shoe duty.
So it's pretty, um,
you know,
it's whatever,
you know?
It's pretty cool.
I retired from
competitive bowling
about five years ago,
after the last open tournament.
It, uh,
it wasn't because of
Gunnar beating me.
Or, uh, you know,
him rubbing it in my face
real bad afterwards,
or, you know,
because of what happened
to my dad.
I mean, yeah, sure,
he was a real jerk
and, uh, he made me feel
real lousy about it,
but that's not why I quit.
You know, I just got--
I got too much on
my plate now, you know?
Mmm.
I mean, I just
got too much to do,
you know?
Oh, I'm super excited for
the tournament this year,
but I try to compete
to be a bowling guy,
I'm not a bowler.
My dream, actually,
is to try to be a singer.
You know, like,
uh, Justin bieber.
Um, but if you guys wanted,
I could probably do
a quick fast singing
for you
to hear me do that.
I've been running
my video blog which,
you know,
gets literally dozens
of hits every week.
And, um,
I've been training
my favorite aunt--
ooh. Friggin' bump.
I've been, uh, training
my favorite aunt Donna
to be a bowler,
which is, uh,
which is where
we're heading right now,
and I'm teaching fifth grade
right here in warroad.
You know,
I'd like to see
Gunnar get in
the physical peak condition
necessary to compete
with that kind
of workload.
No siree Bob.
He couldn't do it.
So that's why
i friggin' retired.
Yeah, I know Emily
has a fancy job,
but she's such a idiot.
I get this
whole basement
to myself.
Rent free. Boom!
And then I'll blow it up.
I do still get to the lanes
quite a bit.
Uh, actually, I, uh,
took my fifth graders
bowling last week,
and, uh, oh,
i gotta tell ya,
jeez Louise,
one of my students,
who I shall not name,
Jared h.,
somehow managed to bowl
in the single digits.
He had bumpers
and everything.
I mean, I didn't even know
that was possible.
He scored a seven!
It is times like that
it is real tough to stay
professional, you know?
- I mean, friggin' seven.
- And plus,
when I win the roseau bowl,
I get like $3,000
in cash and gift cards.
So who's the dummy now?
It's Emily.
And I'll learn you
something else,
Gary down at
the bowling alley
lets me bowl for free
whenever I want.
I'm sorry. Who's Gary?
You know Gary.
The weird dude that works at
the bowling alley.
Oh, are you referring
to Barry?
Could be.
He's the one
with dong broom on his lip
and the toadstool haircut.
I think he might be a little,
derpy derp or something.
You know?
That friggin' guy!
Gunnar's pretty much
one of my best friends.
I mean, it's kind of one of
the perks of working here
and at the movie theater,
uh, where we have
two screens now.
Um, and, uh--
because I get to meet
all the, like, the really,
the popular guys
when they come in and,
but I would,
I'd probably say Gunnar's
the biggest, like, star
that I'm best friends with.
I think he works
at the movie theater, too,
because I went to go see
Jackie chan's "first strike"
because I thought
it was a bowling movie,
and I was way off,
but it was still
a pretty good movie.
It was actually
a really good movie.
Like, super bad-ass movie
if you haven't see it.
But, um...
I'm not quite sure
where I was going
with that, um...
It was a good movie.
You guys should, um,
you should check it out.
It's a pretty good movie.
-You got this. Five more.
-I can't.
Hey, don't you use
that filthy word around me.
Believe it or not,
i used to be quite the bowler.
State champ in high school.
Now I don't mean
to toot my own horn about
that or nothing,
but, you know, toot-toot!
Oh, hon,
don't act like an idiot.
You don't want
people to think
you're an idiot.
'Cause he's not an idiot.
But ever since
the carpal tunnel,
I haven't been able to bowl.
So I spend my free time
training this little lady.
- Aw, hon.
- How, uh,
-how'd you guys meet?
-Ooh.
It's a pretty funny story,
actually.
Hey, why don't you tell him,
sweetheart?
Oh, about how we're cousins
or about where we first met?
Oh, talk about
how we worked together
at Christian brothers
hockey sticks.
-Yeah, but, i--
-we're not cousins.
Well, I think the cousin thing
is a lot more interesting.
Yeah, I definitely want to hear
the cousin thing.
-See, hon, I told ya.
-Okay, first off,
we're not blood cousins.
It's through marriage.
And, uh, second, I feel like
in a town this size,
pretty much
everyone's related,
so, you know?
Hey, what the
are you laughing about? Huh?
You know,
love has no DNA.
So if two cousins fall in love
and want to marry each other,
-then so be it, okay?
-Okay, but again,
I just wanna clarify
that we are not blood cousins.
Okay, we were
already in our thirties
and married
when my mom married her dad.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, I guess
that makes us siblings.
Whew. Ski-u-mah.
Ah, who gives a?
You know,
my parents are first cousins,
and we all turned out fine.
Well, your brother.
-What?
-I'm just saying.
He's awfully rude.
Well, yeah,
my brother tells rude jokes
-and they're dirty.
-Yeah.
But they're funny as hell.
They're pretty funny,
but they're real dirty.
Tell the one
about the hot dog.
Okay.
So, uh,
uh, one guy is eating
a hot dog
and the other guy says,
"hey, how's that hot dog?"
And then the first guy
takes it
and sticks it in his butt
and says,
"you tell me."
And then
the second guy says, uh,
"whew. Could use
a little more ketchup."
You see?
-'Cause it could
use ketchup.
-Yeah.
'Cause it
tastes like.
You got this,
five, four, three,
two, one.
Nice work. All right.
-Hiya.
-Hey, Emily.
-Oh.
-How's it going?
She's working up
quite a sweat.
-Whew, yeah, look at that.
-Yeah, right?
Whew.
Get some water, huh?
Yeah, little trooper.
Oh, I'll get some.
She's got it all, eh?
Brains,
beauty, athleticism,
willpower, and she's got
the greatest--
are you
talking about me?
What the
are you saying about me?
-Huh?
-Oh, nothing.
-What did you say?
-Whoo.
-Huh?
-She's--
don't talk about me
behind my back.
She's got it
going on right now.
-Don't talk about me
behind my back.
-Okay, I won't, I won't.
-Huh?
-Oh.
-Are you being
naughty right now?
-No, cripes, I'm not.
Ah, I think you need
to get a spanking.
Honey, no.
Okay, uh, let's train.
-Huh?
-Ahem! Come on, Donna.
-All right, back at it.
-Let's do this.
She gets tired
doing those weights,
but when it comes
to the other stuff,
there ain't no stopping her.
-One more, come on.
-No, I can't.
-You can do this.
-Ugh.
-I'm done.
-Ah, come on.
-Donna? Donna? Donna?
-I'm done.
-This isn't gonna happen.
-Donna, look at me.
-Look at me.
-No.
Look at me.
You can do this.
Yes, I believe in ya.
Jeff believes in ya.
-Sure do.
-Not now, Jeff.
-Okie dokie.
-Ya gotta believe in yourself.
Dig deep, Donna.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on! One more.
Ready? Come on.
Do it.
Do it.
Ugh!
-Ugh!
-Yeah!
Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Thanks, guys.
Thanks, guys.
-You did it, babe.
-You did it.
I started to lose faith,
but then I thought
about your cute buns.
-Okay.
-Ah, jeez.
Here's a little something
to put a tickle in your taint.
Gunnar's rolled
three perfect games
in the last three years.
Let's see
if he can go ahead
and do one of those again
for ya today.
I'm gonna learn you
some bowling.
Boom!
no perfect game,
but, uh,
238 ain't nothing
to scoff at.
Ugh.
Hey, Barry,
why don't you stop
staring at us
and score us
some soft pretzels?
He's so weird.
I got some
press to do tomorrow,
for this tournament.
You know,
it's a life of an athlete.
You gotta do the p.R.
Local news thing?
No, Emily's,
uh, video on a.O.L.
Yeah, she's got
a video show on there.
Jeez Louise.
Look at the ass
on that hockey mom.
Whoa.
You gotta get the people out
no matter what it takes.
I'm trying to get paid.
Sweet cheddar cheese, baby.
Over the line!
If Emily lets you,
you should come watch,
because I have a lot in store
for that interview.
You're gonna wanna be there.
You guys are gonna
love bjorn.
Oh, look, there he is.
-Hey, sis, how goes it?
-Oh, it goes, you know?
-You okay?
-I'm fine.
-Good to hear.
-You betcha.
So do you wanna
go straight to the alley?
Or you think we got time to
stop by Doug's sandwich shop
and pick up a couple
of quick subs?
Well, let's see.
Your practice is at 3:30, yeah?
-All right.
I'd say we got time.
-Oh, good.
I'm a starvin' Marvin
right about now.
-Ooh, wow.
-You know, if you buy
two foot-long subs from Doug's
with all the fixin's,
you get a free
fountain drink.
-No kiddin'.
-No kiddin'.
I heard it
on the radio there.
Two-foot long subs
with all the fixin's,
free fountain drink.
Well, jeez, they leave us
no choice, do they?
You're telling me.
Em's my baby sister.
Now I know what you're saying.
-"But you look so young."
-Ah, jeez.
No? Okay. Anywho,
we been carpooling ever
since she started teaching.
Mm-hmm. Well, you know,
we're both teachers,
but bjorn coaches
the bowling team.
We got a great team
this year.
-Mm-hmm.
-Like I always say,
"strength in numbers."
We got nearly eight kids
going out for a squad.
Now, come on,
you're gonna have a great team
'cause you're the coach.
Now don't get it twisted.
Em here got
all the talent
in the family.
I mean,
i know how to coach bowling,
but I can't
pick up a 5-8-10 split
to save my life.
Em here can do it
in her sleep.
He's just being modest.
Well, you know what
Woody Allen says?
-Hmm?
-"Those who can't do, teach.
And those who can't teach,
teach gym."
Oh, man.
-Bjorn's a gym teacher.
-I teach gym.
ah, shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
Would ya look at that,
for fudge sake!
-That was good.
-What're you talking about?
That was awful.
-What're you patronizing me?
-No, it was good.
You just need to adjust
about a half step to your left.
Try taking it two boards over.
You got it.
You're lucky you're so hot,
you.
-Oh, stop it.
-Well, ya are.
-Okay.
-You're my hot piece of meat.
-Please.
-Come one. Come on.
No, you're catching
the fire department here.
All right, fine.
-But when we get home.
-Okay.
-hey.
-Oh, how'd you do that?
I didn't do it.
You did.
-You're amazing sometimes.
-I know you are,
but what am I?
-My hot piece of meat.
-Oh, okay, all right.
-It's what you are.
-Okay, I know, I know.
I'm serious about
when we get home.
Yeah, okay,
just no hair pulling
this time, okay?
-It hurts.
-Okay.
-All right.
-I'll be easy on you.
-Yeah, so you say that now.
-I am gonna eat you up, though.
I know, I know.
I'm scared.
All right,
get back up on that Lane.
Oh, yeah,
we know Gunnar.
He's a second cousin
twice removed
or something like that.
He's not close related
that's all I know.
Ah, not this again.
I mean,
I'm not really sure
how to put this,
but you know how we all
got that one relative
that's just, uh,
well, not as pleasant?
And after what he did
to Emily's father, you know?
- He's an.
- He-- oh.
The guy's an , Jeff.
You can say it.
- He's an.
- I'm not gonna.
Say it.
Just say it.
It feels good to say
the truth.
-Okay, okay.
-Say it.
He's an.
There you go.
See, now doesn't that
feel better?
Now my stomach hurts.
You shouldn't have
had that grilled cheese.
I couldn't help it.
It looked so good.
It was piping hot.
But it's also
'cause of what I just said.
Yep, I'm ready
when you're ready.
I want you to be
my cheerleader.
You better believe it.
That's what I was born to do.
Okay, here we go.
All right,
all right, all right.
Here we go,
go, go, go, yeah!
-Oh!
-Still just one.
Hey, that's closer
than last time, you know?
-I know, you're right.
-Yep, you're doing great.
-I should be happy.
-Yeah, you should be.
You're incredible.
-She's incredible.
-What'd you say?
I said you're incredible.
Emily's been great with her,
just a real good coach.
Super patient.
She couldn't
be here today 'cause she's
preparing her video show
on the YouTube tomorrow.
Boy, oh, boy.
You'll see a real difference
in Donna's game
when Emily's around.
Well, in the meantime though,
we're making do.
So why did you agree
to have him on?
Publicity, you know?
Like, when Gunnar's on
we get the views,
so just make it perfect.
Yeah, I'm with Kenny.
Gunnar's a total douche, babe.
Don't call me babe.
I'm no one's babe.
Emily always gets like this
when Gunnar's around.
He really
got under her skin.
Dude totally friggin' sucks.
We're all on your side, Emily.
There's only one way
to describe the way he treated
you after the tournament.
Uncool.
Totally uncalled for.
That's what I'm screaming.
The dude's a friggin' dick.
I choked in the third game.
I did.
And, uh,
afterward, he got all up
in my bubble,
you know,
shouting real loud,
you know, and then he started
doing that mooning thing
where you share
your bare naked bottom,
wiggling it back and forth.
And then he farted...
While his pants were down.
And, uh,
I don't know
if maybe he pooped
a little bit,
because the smell was...
Real bad, you know,
and it got up in my nose,
and with like
no filter or nothing.
And, uh--
and, uh,
then my dad stepped in.
And, um,
anyway, so, you know,
it made all the papers,
of course,
and, uh,
there was one headline
that read, uh,
"'choking on farts,'
starring Emily baardsson."
So, yeah,
I'm not in the best mood
when he's around.
But, you know, I, uh--
I gotta get those views.
Got to get those views.
Hey, em, uh,
yeah, maybe after this,
you know, if you needed
to wind down a bit,
take the edge off,
you know,
we could go get some drinks?
Just you, just me.
Papa Nick's buying!
-Yeah, yeah, I'd like that.
-Right, all right, great.
But, you know,
like, as friends, yeah?
Yeah, friends,
more than friends,
future couple.
-You know, either way.
-Nick, come on.
You know I'm not into guys.
Never have been.
Never will be.
There I said it.
Not all lesbians look like
al franken, you know.
It's, uh--
it's a joke I like to tell.
Nick really
has to let that one go.
I mean,
i know he's into her
and everything,
but... he's barking up
the wrong tree.
I can't get enough of her.
She's, seriously, like,
the omega babe
of the century.
You know,
she's the end all
to be all babes.
She is the mayor
of babe city U.S.A.,
and I am voting for her
every year.
But, yeah, I just gotta
respect her, though,
you know, 'cause she's--
she's super cool,
and, uh, she's a great friend,
and so friendship it is.
What kinda question is that?
Of course
Gunnar plans to win.
Seems that's all
he ever does really.
Win. Me. Champion.
Greatest ever.
These are words I've become
to be known ab-- about.
They get used
about me a bunch.
I mean,
it's no surprise.
I've won ten out of
the last 12 roseau bowls,
including the last
seven straight.
-Now...
-Including, also--
also including
the 2010 roseau bowl.
Which was the last time
they had the open bracket.
You know that they
closed it down?
Because I beat you
so bad, right?
That's not why
they closed it.
Yeah, it is.
You remember that?
Remember I put my butt
in your face and I farted?
Remember when I farted
in your face?
Yeah! You know, what? Yeah!
Yeah, I remember,
you stupid idiot!
Jeez, who do you think
you are, huh?
You know if you--
if your balls were in the gutter
half as much as your mind,
-you'd be bowling zeros.
-That's right.
I am that guy.
I'm also the guy calling you out
for this year's roseau bowl.
That's right.
You versus me, toots,
on the hardwood.
Gunnar.
You know, I'm, uh,
I'm retired.
And, uh,
i gotta lot on my plate.
You know, I got a job,
and I, uh,
i got my aunt Donna
who's bowling.
And, I, you know,
i couldn't ever bowl
against her.
-Huh.
-And, I, and I got,
I got book clubs
on Tuesdays.
-And I got tons of shows...
-Horse hockey!
-Building up on my dvr.
-In its purest form.
Absolute horse hockey!
You don't have too much
on your plate.
And Donna's a moron.
You're a chicken.
Duck, duck, gray duck,
you're a chicken.
You tore my family apart!
And I want
nothing to do with you
and your stupid challenge!
And that's all the time
we have for today.
So, um,
please tune in next week
when we discuss the importance
of different
size finger holes...
Finger holes?
Did you hear what she said?
And, uh,
I'm Emily baardsson
and, uh...
Oh, I can't believe
you just said that.
-This is how I roll.
-Finger holes!
- Gunnar!
- I can't believe it.
-Gunnar, get out!
-Where are we going?
Seriously, Gunnar,
get outta here.
You guys want a selfie
or something before I leave?
Jeez.
Thanks for having me, Emily.
I don't know,
you know, he's--
I just got all rattled
and I, I was,
-was I too mean?
-No.
I mean,
i got real upset,
man, I cannot stand that guy.
-You all right?
-Yeah, I'll be fine, thanks.
Good. You really
nailed him, though,
with that
balls in that gutter line.
Huh?
Oh, jeez,
no, I meant, like--
aw, dang.
Oh, I know I'm,
like, uh, aw, jeez.
-Yes!
-Whoo!
There you go, Donna.
You know,
you've got that power,
and it is all about
that follow-through.
It felt real good.
-It looked real good.
-Yeah.
You're like
a sniper out there.
Okay, so for this
next time, though,
I'm gonna have you take a
step and a half to your right.
Mm-hmm.
Ease up on that spin
just a touch.
-Okay.
-Okay?
-Mm-hmm.
-You got this.
-Here she goes.
-Heart's pounding.
-Whoo!
-Oh, man!
Yes! That was unbelievable.
-Yeah!
-You two are good together.
Oh, yeah, we are.
It's all her, though.
-Yeah.
-You know, uh,
I saw that
interview with Gunnar.
Did you now?
Well, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
Well, you wanna know
what I think?
Maybe not.
You know, maybe we just
sweep this one under the rug?
Well, I think
you should take him down.
I wouldn't be mad.
You're the best bowler I know.
Come on, now,
you know I can't do that.
No, no,
i don't know that.
I know you'd beat me,
that much I know.
After everything
that he's put you through,
you're the only one
who can shut him up,
and somebody
needs to shut him up.
You know,
i know they do,
and I'm training the person
that's gonna do it.
Okay, you know I truly,
truly believe that.
Just to be clear,
you two are talking about...
Yes, I'm talking
about Donna, Jeff.
Yeah, Jeff, who'd you think
she was talking about?
-She's training me.
-Yeah.
-Doesn't that make sense?
-You're the one.
Sometimes you can be
a real dummy, you know that?
You know, if you weren't
such a steaming
hot piece of yum-yum,
i don't know what I'd do.
Look at you.
Ooh!
It's like Hercules.
What? We did some
groceries today.
-Yeah.
-Yes, you did.
-Let me see those buns.
-Okay.
Of course I'm gonna
win it this year,
unless some
freak accident happens.
I mean, my biggest competition
right now is Donna.
You heard me. Donna!
Friggin' Donna!
Who the heck is Donna?
I mean, I'm what
the bowling community
refers to as a cranker.
C-a-r, no.
C-r-a-n,
yeah, c-r-a-n,
c-r-a-n-k-e-r.
Cranker. Right?
Ain't too many people
in a bowling alley
that can do
what it is that I can do.
What I do is I come
with a high backswing,
I square my shoulders,
and then
i put a lot of spin
on the ball,
and then I just let 'er rip.
I get as close
to the line as possible
and then I just release.
You know,
it's a plant and pull.
So, plant and then pull.
Far as I'm concerned,
that's the best way to get
a big hook on your ball.
You know, I mean,
of course you know.
Unless you're
a friggin' idiot.
Bowling is like life to me.
Frame by frame,
no apologies.
Gunnar does what Gunnar does,
and he never looks back.
Emily can blame me all she wants
for what happened,
but she's the one that needs
to look in the mirror.
You know, as far as
I'm concerned,
if she didn't choke,
everybody would be
alive and well
singing "Kumbaya"
and.
But she choked
at the end of the game,
and I just let her
know about it.
And that's my fault?
That makes me the bad guy?
I don't think so.
And I'll learn you
something else,
America don't think so either.
Boom!
Okay, you know,
not bad, not bad.
What am I gonna
tell ya though?
Uh, that I didn't
follow through.
Exactly.
You know,
bowling is like life.
You gotta follow through.
Lose or lose,
Follow through.
Okay, I know, I know.
Two weeks to go,
you know.
We gotta get this
every single time.
Okay, you got it.
Things are really
heating up here.
Can I tell ya,
we need Emily now
more than ever.
Ever since I got a promotion
at Christian brothers,
I just don't have
nearly the time needed.
But I'd say we're in
pretty good hands.
-Yes! Whoo!
-Nailed it!
Yes, you did. Do it.
Do I think she can win?
No telling, really,
i guess.
Uh, but she's doing
really good, you know?
Bowling the best
she ever has.
Is it enough to beat Gunnar?
I don't know.
Your guess is as good as mine.
But here's one thing
i will say,
nothing's gonna stop her
from trying.
You know,
she's gonna get out there,
and she's gonna do her best.
That much I can guarantee.
- Aah!
- Are you okay?
My back.
I think
it's my latissimus dorsi!
She's speaking gibberish.
It's okay, Donna.
Just breathe, okay?
-It's gonna be okay.
-No, it's not.
Last time this happened,
i couldn't bowl for a month.
-Oh, I think it's torn.
-Donna, Donna.
-I think it's torn.
-It's gonna be okay.
No, I'm not gonna be okay.
This town needs you, Emily.
Your family needs you.
I need you to bowl for me.
You really think she's gonna
announce it on air?
Dude, you never know.
She could be
a total wildcard at times.
No, no, it's gotta be
about the tournament.
So we've been told Emily
has a pretty big announcement
-to make on her show today.
-I think she's gonna be
announcing that she's
entering the tournament.
Kenny's probably right,
but, man, fingers crossed.
If she's announcing that
she's gonna try dudes today,
pretty good chance
that my long hair bumps me
to the front of the line.
Dude, I'm just saying
if it's gonna be anybody,
-it's probably gonna me.
-What would be you?
Uh, we hear
you got some news.
-Huh?
-The show.
We hear you got
a big announcement to make.
Oh, yeah, big time.
Get ready...
For me to enter the roseau bowl
tournament this year.
You say you're not scared?
Well, I got 288 reasons
for you to be scared,
you frickin' little baby.
That's what I bowled
yesterday and, uh,
and those were also
the reasons.
Well, I got the best friggin'
coach in Minnesota,
and I'm coming
to whoop your behind,
pardon my French.
I'm Emily baardsson,
and this is how I roll.
Is 288 a good score?
Sure, it's darn good.
But you know what
that means, right?
It means
she choked in the end.
Last frame.
When it comes down to the wire,
she's gonna choke.
she always does.
I don't know the exact
science behind it,
but it had something to do
with a woman competing.
Now I'm gonna choose my words
real careful here.
It's just like--
like their reproductive parts
or something remind them
that if they ever
want to have babies
their body
won't even let them win.
Like, again,
i don't know the exact
science behind it,
but it was something
i read online once on a.O.L.,
and it was in a chat room.
you know,
you never know, though.
I mean, you can't believe
everything you read online.
Plus, how do I know
she wasn't one of those freaks
born with girl
and boy parts?
Then all the science goes
right down the drain.
Everybody knows that.
So Gunnar
just has to train
his ass off,
and that's what Gunnar does.
Oh, yeah, that's much better.
Yeah, you know,
i don't see the point of this.
Uh, to strengthen your
backswing, doy!
Hey, don't doy me.
Okay, follow-through
is the most important thing,
so I don't know why we're
working the friggin' backswing
when we should be working on
follow-through.
Jeepers, em.
No need to get all worked up.
You just need to have
a well-rounded game.
Yeah, I know.
You think you can
torque the ball enough
to take down a 5-7 split,
or heaven forbid, a 7-10,
with your dinky backswing?
Jeez.
"Jeez" is right.
No siree Bob, you can't.
Now we don't have much time,
and we need to get you there.
-Okay.
-Okay.
- Eye of the tiger.
- Strike.
Torque it!
Torque it! Torque it!
Strike, strike, strike,
strike, strike!
Strike, strike, strike,
strike, strike!
Torque it!
Torque it! Torque it!
93, 94, 95...
You're doing great.
96, 97, 98, 99, 100!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
Let's take it to the lanes!
Yes, let's take it
to the lanes, also, too.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Strike!
-Strike!
-Whooshka!
-Order a tater tot hot dish,
'cause she just
smashed the potatoes.
Those pins
don't stand a chance.
Whoo!
-Oh!
-Oh!
-One more, one more.
-One more.
Okay.
Whoo!
Now are you ready
to take on Gunnar?
Ready as I'll ever be, yes.
Whoo!
This isn't just one of those
Hollywood movies
where a girl
is just going after a man.
Unless you count the man
on the top of the trophy,
which I guess
i kinda am going after.
Dang. Eh.
Whoo!
There are times
in a person's life
where they can't lose,
and that's me right now.
I can't lose.
Unless someone bowls
a higher score than me,
and then I would lose.
But I feel real good
about that not happening.
Probably, to me.
Wow. Powerful stuff, em.
Oh, yeah, I heard all right,
you betcha.
Yeah, Emily coming back
could not be better
for a whole slew
of reasons.
I mean, she will bring
literally dozens
of fans with her,
and more people to feed
just equals
more concession money.
That's just
an old-fashioned
blend of math
and common sense
right there.
Barry,
you're five minutes late.
But crap,
I'm 25 minutes early.
I gotcha.
Just testing ya.
Nah, I'm a fun boss.
But, seriously,
we like to joke around
about here.
So, yeah. Hey, Adam.
Hey, you coming to
the roseau bowl this year?
-You betcha.
-See?
Adam hasn't been
to a roseau bowl in
three, four years.
So not only will Emily
bring more fans with her,
I just hope
she can get redemption
from what happened
last time.
What happened
to my cousin, her dad,
it's inexcusable.
It makes me sick.
- Did she tell ya about that?
- About the fart?
Oh, no siree.
No, Gunnar--
Gunnar, he took it
much further.
It got ugly,
that's all I can say.
I'll leave her to tell ya
the rest about that.
Barry! Quit sleeping
on the job!
I'm not. Frickin' eyes
are wide open.
I was putting my lunch
in the friggin' thing.
-I'm just testing ya.
-Freakin' blueberries and--
every stinkin' time.
Every stinkin' time.
Warming up, baby.
Gotta have those
game day rituals.
How many do you have?
How long are you guys
gonna be here?
Because I got a friggin'
crapload of 'em.
No, I don't anything
real special to prepare.
I'm just grading some
papers right here,
and I'll probably
call Donna in a bit,
see how she's doing.
Honestly, it's really
just a normal day for me
before I head on down
to the alley.
So you don't have any
superstitions or anything?
Oh, gag me with a spoon.
48, 49, 50.
All part of the process
of being great,
you gotta get the sugar
out of the cereal,
but if you let it digest,
you get all
the bad carbs, too.
A little secret
i came up with
to get the best
of both worlds.
50...
I know I have
what it takes to win.
I've prepared
the way I need to win.
Superstitions?
They're really just
another form of fear.
That's a interesting way
to look at it.
The way I see it,
if I win,
it's 'cause
i was the best that day.
If I lose,
it's 'cause I wasn't
good enough.
This is the most important part
of the morning ritual.
I gotta put
my underwear on inside out.
Well, why's that?
Uh, 12 years ago,
I was on day three
of my underwear
the day of the competition.
Obviously,
you don't wanna smell,
so I put them on inside out
to squeeze one more day
out of the deal.
That was the first time
i took home the gold.
Ever since then,
even if I've only
worn them one day
or none days,
I still turn them on inside out
the day of the tournament.
I forgot to two times,
and those are the two years
i got second.
Coincidence?
No. Fact.
You think you need to do that
to beat Emily as well?
Ha! So funny
i forget to laugh.
You know what?
You're right.
I'm gonna put 'em on regular
just to prove a point.
Eh, I probably better just
put 'em on inside out.
I mean, I'm coming up
on day seven now.
It has nothing
to do with Emily.
You know, it's not gonna make
a lick of difference
if I put on
some magical t-shirt,
if I put
my underpants inside out,
that's just fear.
So you know about Gunnar?
Huh?
Gunnar puts his
underwear inside out
the day of the tournament.
No.
No.
No.
Get outta town.
No, no, no, no. No!
This is happening.
Gunnar versus Emily.
The epic showdown
that'll make
the federation-klingon
war of 2372
look like the vrash slaughter
by the people of pasik.
That's right.
Gunnar's got this.
Me and Gunnar,
we're gonna be the stars
of the show.
Why you?
Oh, you didn't--
you didn't hear?
Um, they chose--
they chose me to be the guy
who sings
the usa national anthem
for the bowling thing.
So, uh,
if you guys wanted,
i could probably give you
a little sneak pre--
Emily?
Em?
Hey, em,
it's Nick.
Long hair don't care.
Back hair don't care.
Time to go
to the tournament, em.
Time to bowl some strikes,
get some spares.
Emily, are you all right?
Heck no. No, I'm--
I'm sick, you know?
I'm sicker than a dog
in an ice fishing hole.
Yeah, hey, em,
the tournament's today.
The big tournament.
Did you forget
that it's today?
-The roseau bowl?
-I know, Nick, I know.
Okay.
I'm, uh, you know,
I can have bjorn
bowl in my place.
I don't--
i don't think that's such--
such a really good idea, em.
-I've got nothing else.
-Psych out, em.
You've got you.
Come on, I mean,
you're amazing at everything.
And that's why I'm so thankful
for our friendship.
And, I mean, I know
that there's never gonna be
anything more than that,
and that's totally okay.
You can't help
but be into babes.
So what,
you're into babes.
You know,
i can't blame you,
because I'm totally
into babes.
Babes are literally my most
favorite thing in the world.
It's, like,
why I do anything.
Why do I go outside?
Uh, I don't know.
Hopefully I see a babe.
You know,
it's like my life's motto.
-A babe a day...
-Feeds the boner buffet.
I know.
I helped you write that.
But what're you
trying to say?
I'm trying to say
that I really just love
being your friend,
and I know you can do this.
Whether you're sick or not,
em, I believe in you.
-That's sweet.
-Frick yeah, it's sweet.
I'm a frickin' sweet guy.
You know, hey,
you remember your most
viewed vlog, right?
Oh, jeez,
yeah, of course.
Yeah, well, you were sick
when you were doing that, too.
Yeah, okay, but, you know,
how does that relate?
Well, that's the episode
that you talked about
the art of
the follow-through.
Not just in bowling,
but in real life, too.
You know, you've always known
how to get exactly what you want
by just following through.
That's why, what,
a million people or so
have watched that episode
when like most
have barely
gotten a hundred.
Okay, Nick,
that's not why all those people
-watched that video.
-Oh, really?
Yeah, that's the episode
where my boob popped out
for nearly a minute.
-That's right, 54 seconds.
-You know, I didn't even know
my boob popped out until
i saw that video had over
-a hundred thousand views.
-Yeah, the video got so big
because know how
to follow through.
I mean, it's like,
no matter how sick you get
or how long your titty
hangs out of your shirt,
you just keep going.
You know,
you're so dedicated.
Look, em, it's like,
know matter what you decide,
I'm always gonna be
in your corner, all right?
I appreciate it.
Um, but i--
you know, I...
I just don't think
i can do it.
Em, I know you can do it.
I hope you change your mind.
All right, get outta here.
Okay.
Hey there, Barry.
Cash drawer come out on point
three days in a row?
Ah, jeez. Hello?
This illness really
hit you quickly.
Yeah. I, uh,
I suppose it did.
I guess we should
probably get going
so we don't catch anything.
No, you'll--
you'll be fine.
Ugh. I just got a call
from Nick.
He says
I'm supposed to bowl
in em's place.
Gosh, she's sick or something?
I don't know.
Must be some kinda doofus
taking crazy pills
to think I can bowl
in a tournament like that.
We got people coming in
from friggin' anoka
and friggin' Blaine
and friggin' coon rapids.
I was just thinkin'
about my dad.
Where is he now?
-Dead.
-Oh.
I'm so sorry.
You know, Gunnar was just
pushing and pushing...
And the mooning
and the farting...
You know, as if I didn't
already feel bad enough
about losing, you know?
He had to go and make it
infinity times worse.
And, uh--
and, uh,
my dad stepped in.
But, uh,
I think he musta got
overheated or something...
And, uh--
you know, in his heart
because...
He had a heart attack.
And he...
He died.
I'm sorry.
He was by best friend
in the world,
and it's my fault
that he died.
Bro!
Your bowler's
not here yet.
-Yeah.
-Where's Emily?
I'm talking about you.
We got bad news, bro.
Well, yeah,
you're telling me.
There's literally,
i don't know,
tens of people here
to see the big showdown.
Yeah, that's the thing.
There's not gonna be
a big showdown, man.
Emily's sick.
No kidding?
Yeah, man,
dead serious, bro.
Oh, jeez.
-Oh, jeez.
-Yeah. Oh, jeez, is right.
I just hope she's okay.
Yeah, I just hope these people
stick around long enough...
For nothing.
I frigging stocked concessions
plum full for this.
Well, scram!
Attention, everyone.
Emily will not be making it
to the tournament.
Look, be sure to ease
your sorrows, um,
with an ice cold fountain drink
or a nice hot "pretzable",
available at the, um,
right over there
at the concession stand.
Look, this news is sure sour,
so get something sweet,
like a candy bar
or maybe some Taffy.
You can also
upgrade any meal
with an order of nice
hot seasoned fries.
Anywho, we're gonna
go ahead and get started
with the tournament.
Let's, uh,
have Barry Williams here
to sing the national anthem.
hey, em, I hear
you're feeling real junky.
Yeah, yeah,
you know, I, uh,
got a real bad sinus infection
in my lower abdomen,
and, uh, it's real bad,
you know?
You ain't sick, are ya?
I mean, those tissues aren't
from blowing your nose.
What happened to dad
wasn't your fault.
-I know, but i--
-plus, let's not pretend
he was exactly
the picture of health.
Well, a three-time
schnitzel-eating champion
never is.
No. Look, em,
dad would want you to bowl.
So what'd you say?
And we are underway, fans.
I am Alan Johnson,
owner of this beautiful
establishment,
and alongside me as always,
the gorgeous vocal minority
and my brother
from another mother, Johnny.
Yeah, see, our dad couldn't
keep it in his pants.
Looks like today's the day
there's gonna be a bowling game.
Excellent color there, Johnny.
Might I add, the suit
looks amazing on you,
as it has the last
seven days in a row.
Well, you don't make a trip
all the way to mall of America
-just for cargo shorts.
-You certainly don't.
Let's get down to the floor.
And a perfect strike
for Gunnar.
Two more of those, and he is
out of the competition.
-No, that's a Turkey.
-I'm not actually doing
meat right now.
-I'm kind of on a cleanse.
-Well, it's working.
-You look fantastic.
-My bowels feel amazing.
-Hey! Hey, Emily's here.
-What?
No. No.
Can you believe Emily
showed up?
Absolutely,
I'm looking right at her.
-Sorry I'm late.
-A little too late really.
-Ooh. Right-o.
-Shut up, Johnny.
Sorry.
We already started.
-I'm really not sorry.
-It's true.
We actually
did start already.
-Well, has everyone
bowled yet?
-Just me, toots.
Strike.
The rules state
that as long as
no bowler has bowled
two frames,
new competitors
are permitted to join
the competition
with the majority vote
of all bowlers
and permission
from the commissioner.
-Let me see that.
-No, that's not the rule book.
It's, uh, "sisterhood
of the traveling pants."
-No spoilers.
-You know I've got no problem.
Thirsty for a showdown?
Hurry up and quench that thirst
right now with
a ice cold fountain drink
available at
the concession stand.
This is ridiculous!
I'm trying to have
a tournament here!
The only thing
that's ridiculous
is the savings
when you buy
a jumbo cheese pretzel
or nachos
available right now
at the concession stand.
What's the matter, Gunnar?
You look scared.
I mean, I would be, too,
if I were you.
-I'm not afraid of nothing.
-So you are afraid of something.
No. I just said
"I'm not afraid of nothing."
You just used
a double-negative,
thus turning it
into a positive,
which translates to
"i am scared of something."
So you are scared of something.
We wanna know what it is.
Yeah, you know,
he's not wrong.
It's bees, isn't it?
I'm scared of bees, too.
I'm not even
allergic or anything.
-I just hate getting stung.
-Getting stung is the worst.
Right? And the swelling
and the itching--
-all right!
Get the vote already!
-You heard the man.
All bowlers in favor of Emily
joining the competition
-just say "aye."
-Aye.
-Aye.
-No!
An overwhelming majority.
Let's get started, folks.
Fine, but be prepared
to be dominated.
I'm not taking it
easy on nobody.
So he is taking it easy
on somebody.
Stay tuned
to find out whom.
Shut up, Johnny.
Start speaking American.
You're gonna get it, Emily!
ski-u-mah!
Gunnar and Emily have really
run away with it.
Ninth frame,
Gunnar leads by seven pins.
-Emily needs a miracle here.
-She certainly does.
Either that or to pick up
eight more points than Gunnar
on the next two boxes.
-I believe that would
do the trick as well.
-It absolutely would.
It absolutely would.
Let's get right back into it.
oh! Friggin' no!
-Gunnar does not
like the looks of that.
-Is it possible
there was something
strategic
about leaving those
two pins there?
Perhaps he's planning
for a future move,
and this is a setup.
Anything along those lines
possible at all?
-Absolutely not.
-Right-o.
Here comes Emily,
her chances, although grim,
not quite eliminated
from the game mathematically.
I was actually
in Emily's math class.
And though not quite
half a tard,
certainly no
straight-a student.
shoot.
Emily just barely misses
-that strike.
-Mmm, perhaps
if she'd taken it just
a bee's dick to the left,
she would've picked up
that last pin.
That would be
a higher score.
Great job
with your numbers,
Johnny.
Here comes Gunnar
to open up the tenth frame.
-He scores!
-Like a tater tot hot dish,
-that is yummy.
-Smells like victory.
No, you smell bad,
and I'm being serious.
Maybe I beefed.
Deal with it.
Whoo!
Friggin' gross.
another strike.
Unbelievable.
I have not seen
dance moves like that
since the last time
our dad got remarried...
-Again.
-That is spot on.
Gunnar looks to put
the final nail in the coffin
Closed out the game
with a Turkey.
Emily will take
an easy second place,
but it's no longer possible
for her to win game one.
-Yes, she would need a miracle.
-No, she literally can't win.
Exactly.
I didn't know
you were gonna make it
so easy for me.
Oh, yeah? Well,
I'm all warmed up now.
So you're going downtown,
buster brown.
Hah! You keep bowling
like a can of rotten lutefisk,
the only thing
going down is you
-into the trash can.
-Yeah?
Well, at least I don't
smell like rotten lutefisk.
You're always eatin' it,
when it's rotten,
probably.
Ooh, shots fired.
all right,
this is it, em.
I believe in ya.
I don't--
I don't think
i can beat him.
There's nobody
on this planet
I believe in
more than you,
and I met
Leonard nimoy once.
And if he were
to show up to this thing,
I'd still
believe in you more.
I mean, it'd be close,
but, uh,
you'd take the cake.
Leonard nimoy's dead.
-What?
-Yeah.
Well then,
some other star that
has what it takes
to pull through
when the odds are against 'em,
like, uh, Whitney Houston.
What I'm tryin' to say is
you have it in ya.
You always have.
And just like
miss Houston herself,
you will
continue to succeed
for years to come.
Bobby brown
can't keep you down.
It's time to get some.
and we are back,
round two of three.
If Gunnar wins this one,
it's all over.
fair dinkum!
That was an absolute Pearl.
to pick up his game before
he lets this one slip away.
-He is bowling
like a real dick.
-I can hear you.
wow. That's two in a row
for Emily.
She is perfect so far.
Imagine what Emily's score
might be if she continues
this perfect streak
all the way through.
-close to what
i would assume,
but there's no way of
knowing for sure.
and another strike for Emily.
-Halfway through,
and she's still perfect.
-It is safe to say
that Emily
is the Serena Williams
of awkward
white people sports.
She certainly is,
and she is phenomenal.
Emily's got this one
in the bag.
We are going
to a third, folks.
Whoo! Nice!
I knew you could do it.
I knew you could do it.
You know,
I'm starting to believe in me
like you believe in me.
You should.
I mean, you're amazing.
-All luck, all luck.
-All luck?
Hah! My butt.
You want me to go
"Batman forever" on your ass?
-Hey! Hey! Hey!
-Make your face
look like seal?
-You're about to get
a kiss from a rose.
-That is not cool.
Seal's skin is like that
from a disease.
Pretty sure
it's from a shark attack.
That's where
he got his nickname "seal."
-Uh, seal has lupus.
-Then how can he walk?
He get better doctors
than president Roosevelt?
-Uh, f.D.R. Had polio.
-Yeah? You have polio,
and I'm a shark about to attack,
and you're nothing but a seal
-without all
the killer slow jams.
-You know what?
-You're a friggin' idiot.
-I might be an idiot,
but at least I'm not gonna
choke in the last game.
You done it before,
you'll do it again.
Everybody knows it.
Then you'll have to go away
and hide for another five years.
Also, I'm not an idiot.
three frames into round three,
and Gunnar is sitting perfect.
Meanwhile,
Emily seems to have
lost her steam from round two
with two spares
and failing
to close out a third.
How goes it, em?
-It's fine. You?
-Ah, pretty good.
Uh, it's a little colder
than I'd like,
but that Minnesota for ya.
Ahem.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Is there
something you wanted?
Yeah, I, uh,
I just want to talk to you
about all this.
-Yeah.
-Look.
You're the best bowler
I've ever seen,
on and off the lanes.
-Thanks.
-No, I mean it, em.
You can do this,
all right?
You just need to remember
who you're doing it for.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, pops.
-Yeah.
-No.
You need to do this for you.
Your whole life,
all you do is give.
You wasted your time
with Donna,
and god bless her heart,
she friggin' stinks.
So screw Gunnar
and screw the other bowlers.
This is for you,
because that's what dad
would want.
Okay?
-Yeah.
-All right.
Go get him.
I have never seen
anything like this.
-She is a woman on a mission.
-Speaking of missions,
if you're on the way back
from the bathroom,
stop at
the concession stand
for the new kosher
Polish corn dogs.
They're delicious.
Gunnar seems to be feeling
the pressure.
He seems to have lost focus.
Is that a thing
that's important in bowling?
I imagine it is.
It most definitely is,
Johnny, yeah.
And another strike
for Emily.
We are witnessing
roseau bowl history.
That sounds more grandiose
than I assume it is
in real life.
-That is how you bowl!
-That is how you bowl!
She's unstoppable.
A slow start,
but has bowled perfect
since that third frame.
Well, there's only
one little box thing left
and their scores
are pretty close,
is that fair to say?
Yes, Johnny,
they are all tied up.
That sounds really close.
Is it ever.
Gunnar will bowl first.
He does look
disappointed though.
Probably wishes
he'd hit all the pins
on that last one.
That's my best guess anyway.
Nothing escapes
my brother Johnny.
Here comes Emily.
you little beauty.
Check out Emily.
Hoo-hoo, wow!
One down, two to go.
I don't believe this.
are you having fun?
Yeah.
-For dad.
-All right, you got this.
yeah!
She has done it.
She has won
the open bracket
championship
and redemption
for her father,
my cousin.
Stop by
the concession stand
to celebrate
with a licorice rope
or an ice cold fountain drink.
They're not on sale.
We just have plenty available.
And it is all over,
i hope, anyway.
I've got some where to be.
yeah, Emily!
You did it.
-Whoo! Yeah!
-Whoo!
You friggin' cheated!
You cheated.
Everybody knows that.
-I won that fair and square.
-Okay, whatever, Gunnar.
Have a nice day.
Nine out of ten times
i catch you cheating.
-You're a friggin' cheater.
-Celebration subs for everyone.
-I love subs.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Strike!
oh, jeez,
has it felt good.
The publicity from winning
the roseau bowl
has been overwhelming.
I mean, I had nearly
six strangers send me
congrats flowers.
So, yeah, pretty nuts.
And, oh, jeez.
It didn't stop there either,
no siree.
My video blog has taken off
like nobody's business.
It's paying the bill now,
you know?
So I got to quit
my teaching job.
And now I have
so much free time
to train Donna
to win next year's
roseau bowl.
And bjorn
has been training me
to win this year's
national championship.
Bomb dropped.
Six months, huh?
Seems longer behind bars.
You went to jail?
Yeah, the night
of the tournament,
i got drunk.
I don't mean like
a couple drinks too many
I shouldn't drive
my truck home drunk.
I mean, like,
blacked out,
wake up outside
with a goat chained
around your leg
and a toilet cake
in your shirt pocket
kinda drunk.
In my case, instead of
waking up outside,
I woke up
in the drunk tank.
And instead of a toilet cake
in my shirt pocket,
I just didn't have
any pants on.
And, uh, the goat?
No, that happened.
Anywho, I always heard
that when you're in jail
you gotta beat up
the biggest guy in there
so you don't become
a prison.
I coulda sworn
she was a guy,
you know, coming from
a costume party or something.
Apparently,
that police uniform
was very real,
and so was her night stick,
her pepper spray, her taser,
her k-9 unit.
After I healed up,
I got five months
for assault on an officer.
Which is kinda bull ,
because even though
i threw the first punch,
it didn't even land.
Oh, boy, were we excited
for Emily to win.
And, uh, we've been keeping
pretty busy since then, too.
I found a bird outside,
and it was almost dead.
I nursed it back to health.
Kept it in the house
for a week.
-Yep.
-And then I let it go.
And that's what you gotta do.
You gotta let them fly.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Not gonna keep him
for a pet,
but I nursed it
back to health.
You did,
and then you shooed it out
with a broom.
Yeah, and then I shooed.
I said, "shoo! Shoo!
-Go on now, go!"
-Didn't want to leave
-'cause it loved her so much.
-Yeah. See that now?
-They'll bond with me.
-Absolutely.
She used that tough love,
got herself a broom,
shooed that bird
outta the house.
You gotta push
the bird outta the nest.
-That's what they say.
-Absolutely.
So we're thinking about
adopting, you know?
You guys were clearly
in for a pretty big treat
when you got to hear me
sing the usa anthem
at the bowling alley.
But, like, sure,
there were some freakin' jerks
just like saying
stupid crap on YouTube.
Like, whatever.
I'm just gonna
keep living fancy,
'cause I got some real hype
behind me from that, too.
I got to sing the usa anthem
at the St. Paul saints game.
So would
a freakin' cheeseknob
get to do that,
mister @cmchfx?
Probably not.
Um, if you guys wanted,
I could probably
get you a tape
of me doing
that singing thing
for you to use
inside your movie.
Nah, we're good.
On a bright note,
I became very spiritual
in prison.
I realized that I had
a lot of anger issues
that I needed to work on,
and the word of Buddha
really spoke to me.
It's helping me become
a better person
on and off the lanes.
Gunney, tater tot
hot dish is ready.
Come get supper.
I told you!
I wanted lutefisk
and lefse.
How hard
can it be
to open up a can
of lutefisk
and wrap up some
lefse?
That woman.
This is what I deal with.
This is my life.
Most of my videos
are getting hundreds of
thousands of views.
Some are even up
in the millions.
Unfortunately,
the same old video
still holds
my personal record.
Yeah, the booby slip clip
took off like wildfire.
Okay, I want you to get
a real good look in here, okay?
See how I'm holding
nothing back here?
That is how you...
Follow through with style.
I mean, sure like
someone might be walking by
and they're gonna see
and be like,
"what the friggin' heck
is she doing?"
And I want you to look them
in the eye and you say,
"I'm showing the world
what I got."
And what I got is a real...
Juicy follow-through."
Show the world what you got.
Don't hold nothing back.
I'm Emily baardsson
and this is how I roll.
Whoo. Freakin' jeez.
This thing is heavy.
Friggin' lip's wet.
Whoo! I am bowling like
a real doofus out there today.
Oh, come on, sis.
You just need to tweak
things a bit.
I know,
I'm just doing a little
self-defecating humor.
Did you say
"self-defecating"?
Yeah. You know,
it's like when you're
making jokes,
but you're also kind of
crappin' on yourself.
Oh, nice.
I knew I needed
to be a bowler
when me and
my best friend chambers
were throwing rocks
at each other
and I threw this rock
and it hit him
right in the forehead.
He was like really mad.
So I was like
running away from him,
but he caught me
and he tripped me,
like, really hard,
and I slammed my head into
the pavement three times.
And that's when I knew.
I get up from that,
and I knew I needed
to be a bowler.
It's not terrible.
She could still
pick up a spare.
-Jeez Louise!
-You're a monster.
I like taking pictures of people
who have kitchen tables,
but they have,
like, different chairs
that didn't
come with the table.
Yeah, he finds it
real interesting.
Yeah, so whenever we go to
some friend's house
and they have a kitchen table,
but it's clear those chairs
aren't matching--
-where'd you get them?
-Where'd you get those?
What happened
to the regular chairs?
Did they break
and then you couldn't
get 'em fixed or something?
And there's usually
a heck of a story there,
and I'll write that story down
and I'll put it in the book.
Right now it's just like--
it was an empty photo album.
I'm just filling up
a photo album,
then I just kinda
write little notes
about where
the chairs came from.
So it's not like
a real book or nothing.
How full is the photo album
at this point?
Six or seven tables.
Six or seven tables,
a bunch of chairs.
So it's getting there.
There's a doctor
they have on the air
Saturday mornings
on am 630.
Ask him if it's normal
for people
to only have sex
in the dark.
I don't think
he's that kind of doctor.
They're all
that kind of doctor.
It's human nature, Jeff.
I have needs, you know?
You need to have
the lights on?
Why don't you stop over
at the concession stand,
get a licorice rope,
corn dogs,
or an ice cold fountain drink.
We've got the pretzels,
open-face sandwiches,
and personal pizzas.
Feel free to grab
whatever you like.
We really
stocked up this year.
They are not on sale
or free,
we just have
plenty available.
Fair dinkum!
That was an absolute Pearl.
That was a rip snorter.
That was absolutely bonzo.
That was a belter.
You little beauty!
Check out Emily.
Wow! An absolute ball tearer
from Emily.
Don't say anything
to Emily,
but I'd eat that Booty
like groceries.
Jeez Louise,
real inappropriate,
Nicholas.
I think she heard me.
-Hey, Gary.
-Hey, Gunnar.
I'll be bowling
for free today, right?
Okay, um, my name's, uh--
I'm bar-- I'm bar--
did you guys, uh,
see that?
We're just, like--
we're just hanging out for
a minute or whatever.
It's pretty cool.
One of the world's
oldest sports.
Artifacts date bowling
back to ancient Egypt
and the Roman empire
over 5,000 years ago.
Or as my mom would say,
"about the same age
as the earth."
Modern rules
were established in 1895
in New York City,
and have since evolved
into what is widely regarded
as the highest form
of competition among man.
You got one competitor,
ten pins,
and a polyurethane ball.
Some play for fun,
others compete for glory.
I bowl
because it's who I am.
I'm Emily baardsson
and you're watching...
Ah, jeepers.
Here in roseau county,
we do a big bowling event
every year at my alley.
Actually,
it's not my alley.
Uh, it was my uncle Harley's,
uh, but he's dead now.
I run it,
well, I guess it is my alley.
Anyway, we call it the, uh,
wait for it,
the roseau bowl.
You know,
'cause the football game.
Anyway, it really is a big event
around here every year.
This year
we're gonna reopen
the open-age,
open-gender brackets
to figure out
who is the absolutely
best bowler.
It's a question
that's on everybody's mind,
and we just
have a right to know.
So that's what
we're gonna do, and plus,
it should get me
a whole bunch of extra moolah
from concession sales
'cause last time
we did the open-age,
open-gender bracket,
concession sales
went through the roof.
I mean, you're not making a
bunch of money on shoe rentals.
You're not.
If we can avoid a post-tourney
controversy this time,
we may make
the open-age, open-gender
bracket a regular thing.
Friggin' fountain drink.
That was the first episode
of my video blog,
which was, jeez, wow,
it was six years ago now.
So, yeah,
got a bunch of comments
about the title.
Holy buckets.
I had no idea people were gonna
take it like that.
So I quickly changed it
to "Emily's turkeys"
for the next episode.
You know, because of the whole
three strikes in a row thing?
You're looking at
"Emily's turkeys."
After getting a bunch of
inappropriate nipple comments,
I switched it to "Emily xxx,"
'cause I figured
it's the same thing as
bowling a Turkey,
except not dirty.
What the frick
was I thinking?
To be fair,
that video got a lot
of views,
but I don't think
it's what the people were
expecting, you know?
So after that,
i made the final decision
to call it
"rollin' with Emily,"
and, uh, that's what
my video blog's been
called ever since.
Oh, yeah.
I suppose living legend
would be an appropriate way
to refer to Gunnar solberg.
No, no, after you.
Jeez Louise, go already.
I mean,
how many people can say
they've dominated
ten out of the last
12 roseau bowls?
Gunnar can say that.
He says it all the time.
Ten for 12, baby.
Ten of 12.
Ten of the last 12.
Last seven straight.
Ten for 12? Literally.
I'll learn you
something else,
about five years ago,
they did an open bracket.
Not only did I dominate
my cousin Emily
so hard that
she quit competing,
they closed
the open bracket forever,
till like the end of time.
I mean, until now.
I guess that's what you get
for going to college
thinking you're better than
everybody else.
You ain't better than
Gunnar solberg...
Fart face!
She'll know what
I'm talking about.
I can do a close up
on "fart face"
if you guys need it.
- Nah.
- Like... all right.
Hi, I'm Barry Williams.
I work here at
the warroad bowling alley.
Um, mostly I do
my working in--
uh, frickin' face is itchy--
uh, mostly work in,
uh, concessions,
but when my cash drawer
comes out on point
for three days in a row,
Alan lets me
hit up shoe duty.
So it's pretty, um,
you know,
it's whatever,
you know?
It's pretty cool.
I retired from
competitive bowling
about five years ago,
after the last open tournament.
It, uh,
it wasn't because of
Gunnar beating me.
Or, uh, you know,
him rubbing it in my face
real bad afterwards,
or, you know,
because of what happened
to my dad.
I mean, yeah, sure,
he was a real jerk
and, uh, he made me feel
real lousy about it,
but that's not why I quit.
You know, I just got--
I got too much on
my plate now, you know?
Mmm.
I mean, I just
got too much to do,
you know?
Oh, I'm super excited for
the tournament this year,
but I try to compete
to be a bowling guy,
I'm not a bowler.
My dream, actually,
is to try to be a singer.
You know, like,
uh, Justin bieber.
Um, but if you guys wanted,
I could probably do
a quick fast singing
for you
to hear me do that.
I've been running
my video blog which,
you know,
gets literally dozens
of hits every week.
And, um,
I've been training
my favorite aunt--
ooh. Friggin' bump.
I've been, uh, training
my favorite aunt Donna
to be a bowler,
which is, uh,
which is where
we're heading right now,
and I'm teaching fifth grade
right here in warroad.
You know,
I'd like to see
Gunnar get in
the physical peak condition
necessary to compete
with that kind
of workload.
No siree Bob.
He couldn't do it.
So that's why
i friggin' retired.
Yeah, I know Emily
has a fancy job,
but she's such a idiot.
I get this
whole basement
to myself.
Rent free. Boom!
And then I'll blow it up.
I do still get to the lanes
quite a bit.
Uh, actually, I, uh,
took my fifth graders
bowling last week,
and, uh, oh,
i gotta tell ya,
jeez Louise,
one of my students,
who I shall not name,
Jared h.,
somehow managed to bowl
in the single digits.
He had bumpers
and everything.
I mean, I didn't even know
that was possible.
He scored a seven!
It is times like that
it is real tough to stay
professional, you know?
- I mean, friggin' seven.
- And plus,
when I win the roseau bowl,
I get like $3,000
in cash and gift cards.
So who's the dummy now?
It's Emily.
And I'll learn you
something else,
Gary down at
the bowling alley
lets me bowl for free
whenever I want.
I'm sorry. Who's Gary?
You know Gary.
The weird dude that works at
the bowling alley.
Oh, are you referring
to Barry?
Could be.
He's the one
with dong broom on his lip
and the toadstool haircut.
I think he might be a little,
derpy derp or something.
You know?
That friggin' guy!
Gunnar's pretty much
one of my best friends.
I mean, it's kind of one of
the perks of working here
and at the movie theater,
uh, where we have
two screens now.
Um, and, uh--
because I get to meet
all the, like, the really,
the popular guys
when they come in and,
but I would,
I'd probably say Gunnar's
the biggest, like, star
that I'm best friends with.
I think he works
at the movie theater, too,
because I went to go see
Jackie chan's "first strike"
because I thought
it was a bowling movie,
and I was way off,
but it was still
a pretty good movie.
It was actually
a really good movie.
Like, super bad-ass movie
if you haven't see it.
But, um...
I'm not quite sure
where I was going
with that, um...
It was a good movie.
You guys should, um,
you should check it out.
It's a pretty good movie.
-You got this. Five more.
-I can't.
Hey, don't you use
that filthy word around me.
Believe it or not,
i used to be quite the bowler.
State champ in high school.
Now I don't mean
to toot my own horn about
that or nothing,
but, you know, toot-toot!
Oh, hon,
don't act like an idiot.
You don't want
people to think
you're an idiot.
'Cause he's not an idiot.
But ever since
the carpal tunnel,
I haven't been able to bowl.
So I spend my free time
training this little lady.
- Aw, hon.
- How, uh,
-how'd you guys meet?
-Ooh.
It's a pretty funny story,
actually.
Hey, why don't you tell him,
sweetheart?
Oh, about how we're cousins
or about where we first met?
Oh, talk about
how we worked together
at Christian brothers
hockey sticks.
-Yeah, but, i--
-we're not cousins.
Well, I think the cousin thing
is a lot more interesting.
Yeah, I definitely want to hear
the cousin thing.
-See, hon, I told ya.
-Okay, first off,
we're not blood cousins.
It's through marriage.
And, uh, second, I feel like
in a town this size,
pretty much
everyone's related,
so, you know?
Hey, what the
are you laughing about? Huh?
You know,
love has no DNA.
So if two cousins fall in love
and want to marry each other,
-then so be it, okay?
-Okay, but again,
I just wanna clarify
that we are not blood cousins.
Okay, we were
already in our thirties
and married
when my mom married her dad.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, I guess
that makes us siblings.
Whew. Ski-u-mah.
Ah, who gives a?
You know,
my parents are first cousins,
and we all turned out fine.
Well, your brother.
-What?
-I'm just saying.
He's awfully rude.
Well, yeah,
my brother tells rude jokes
-and they're dirty.
-Yeah.
But they're funny as hell.
They're pretty funny,
but they're real dirty.
Tell the one
about the hot dog.
Okay.
So, uh,
uh, one guy is eating
a hot dog
and the other guy says,
"hey, how's that hot dog?"
And then the first guy
takes it
and sticks it in his butt
and says,
"you tell me."
And then
the second guy says, uh,
"whew. Could use
a little more ketchup."
You see?
-'Cause it could
use ketchup.
-Yeah.
'Cause it
tastes like.
You got this,
five, four, three,
two, one.
Nice work. All right.
-Hiya.
-Hey, Emily.
-Oh.
-How's it going?
She's working up
quite a sweat.
-Whew, yeah, look at that.
-Yeah, right?
Whew.
Get some water, huh?
Yeah, little trooper.
Oh, I'll get some.
She's got it all, eh?
Brains,
beauty, athleticism,
willpower, and she's got
the greatest--
are you
talking about me?
What the
are you saying about me?
-Huh?
-Oh, nothing.
-What did you say?
-Whoo.
-Huh?
-She's--
don't talk about me
behind my back.
She's got it
going on right now.
-Don't talk about me
behind my back.
-Okay, I won't, I won't.
-Huh?
-Oh.
-Are you being
naughty right now?
-No, cripes, I'm not.
Ah, I think you need
to get a spanking.
Honey, no.
Okay, uh, let's train.
-Huh?
-Ahem! Come on, Donna.
-All right, back at it.
-Let's do this.
She gets tired
doing those weights,
but when it comes
to the other stuff,
there ain't no stopping her.
-One more, come on.
-No, I can't.
-You can do this.
-Ugh.
-I'm done.
-Ah, come on.
-Donna? Donna? Donna?
-I'm done.
-This isn't gonna happen.
-Donna, look at me.
-Look at me.
-No.
Look at me.
You can do this.
Yes, I believe in ya.
Jeff believes in ya.
-Sure do.
-Not now, Jeff.
-Okie dokie.
-Ya gotta believe in yourself.
Dig deep, Donna.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on! One more.
Ready? Come on.
Do it.
Do it.
Ugh!
-Ugh!
-Yeah!
Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Thanks, guys.
Thanks, guys.
-You did it, babe.
-You did it.
I started to lose faith,
but then I thought
about your cute buns.
-Okay.
-Ah, jeez.
Here's a little something
to put a tickle in your taint.
Gunnar's rolled
three perfect games
in the last three years.
Let's see
if he can go ahead
and do one of those again
for ya today.
I'm gonna learn you
some bowling.
Boom!
no perfect game,
but, uh,
238 ain't nothing
to scoff at.
Ugh.
Hey, Barry,
why don't you stop
staring at us
and score us
some soft pretzels?
He's so weird.
I got some
press to do tomorrow,
for this tournament.
You know,
it's a life of an athlete.
You gotta do the p.R.
Local news thing?
No, Emily's,
uh, video on a.O.L.
Yeah, she's got
a video show on there.
Jeez Louise.
Look at the ass
on that hockey mom.
Whoa.
You gotta get the people out
no matter what it takes.
I'm trying to get paid.
Sweet cheddar cheese, baby.
Over the line!
If Emily lets you,
you should come watch,
because I have a lot in store
for that interview.
You're gonna wanna be there.
You guys are gonna
love bjorn.
Oh, look, there he is.
-Hey, sis, how goes it?
-Oh, it goes, you know?
-You okay?
-I'm fine.
-Good to hear.
-You betcha.
So do you wanna
go straight to the alley?
Or you think we got time to
stop by Doug's sandwich shop
and pick up a couple
of quick subs?
Well, let's see.
Your practice is at 3:30, yeah?
-All right.
I'd say we got time.
-Oh, good.
I'm a starvin' Marvin
right about now.
-Ooh, wow.
-You know, if you buy
two foot-long subs from Doug's
with all the fixin's,
you get a free
fountain drink.
-No kiddin'.
-No kiddin'.
I heard it
on the radio there.
Two-foot long subs
with all the fixin's,
free fountain drink.
Well, jeez, they leave us
no choice, do they?
You're telling me.
Em's my baby sister.
Now I know what you're saying.
-"But you look so young."
-Ah, jeez.
No? Okay. Anywho,
we been carpooling ever
since she started teaching.
Mm-hmm. Well, you know,
we're both teachers,
but bjorn coaches
the bowling team.
We got a great team
this year.
-Mm-hmm.
-Like I always say,
"strength in numbers."
We got nearly eight kids
going out for a squad.
Now, come on,
you're gonna have a great team
'cause you're the coach.
Now don't get it twisted.
Em here got
all the talent
in the family.
I mean,
i know how to coach bowling,
but I can't
pick up a 5-8-10 split
to save my life.
Em here can do it
in her sleep.
He's just being modest.
Well, you know what
Woody Allen says?
-Hmm?
-"Those who can't do, teach.
And those who can't teach,
teach gym."
Oh, man.
-Bjorn's a gym teacher.
-I teach gym.
ah, shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
Would ya look at that,
for fudge sake!
-That was good.
-What're you talking about?
That was awful.
-What're you patronizing me?
-No, it was good.
You just need to adjust
about a half step to your left.
Try taking it two boards over.
You got it.
You're lucky you're so hot,
you.
-Oh, stop it.
-Well, ya are.
-Okay.
-You're my hot piece of meat.
-Please.
-Come one. Come on.
No, you're catching
the fire department here.
All right, fine.
-But when we get home.
-Okay.
-hey.
-Oh, how'd you do that?
I didn't do it.
You did.
-You're amazing sometimes.
-I know you are,
but what am I?
-My hot piece of meat.
-Oh, okay, all right.
-It's what you are.
-Okay, I know, I know.
I'm serious about
when we get home.
Yeah, okay,
just no hair pulling
this time, okay?
-It hurts.
-Okay.
-All right.
-I'll be easy on you.
-Yeah, so you say that now.
-I am gonna eat you up, though.
I know, I know.
I'm scared.
All right,
get back up on that Lane.
Oh, yeah,
we know Gunnar.
He's a second cousin
twice removed
or something like that.
He's not close related
that's all I know.
Ah, not this again.
I mean,
I'm not really sure
how to put this,
but you know how we all
got that one relative
that's just, uh,
well, not as pleasant?
And after what he did
to Emily's father, you know?
- He's an.
- He-- oh.
The guy's an , Jeff.
You can say it.
- He's an.
- I'm not gonna.
Say it.
Just say it.
It feels good to say
the truth.
-Okay, okay.
-Say it.
He's an.
There you go.
See, now doesn't that
feel better?
Now my stomach hurts.
You shouldn't have
had that grilled cheese.
I couldn't help it.
It looked so good.
It was piping hot.
But it's also
'cause of what I just said.
Yep, I'm ready
when you're ready.
I want you to be
my cheerleader.
You better believe it.
That's what I was born to do.
Okay, here we go.
All right,
all right, all right.
Here we go,
go, go, go, yeah!
-Oh!
-Still just one.
Hey, that's closer
than last time, you know?
-I know, you're right.
-Yep, you're doing great.
-I should be happy.
-Yeah, you should be.
You're incredible.
-She's incredible.
-What'd you say?
I said you're incredible.
Emily's been great with her,
just a real good coach.
Super patient.
She couldn't
be here today 'cause she's
preparing her video show
on the YouTube tomorrow.
Boy, oh, boy.
You'll see a real difference
in Donna's game
when Emily's around.
Well, in the meantime though,
we're making do.
So why did you agree
to have him on?
Publicity, you know?
Like, when Gunnar's on
we get the views,
so just make it perfect.
Yeah, I'm with Kenny.
Gunnar's a total douche, babe.
Don't call me babe.
I'm no one's babe.
Emily always gets like this
when Gunnar's around.
He really
got under her skin.
Dude totally friggin' sucks.
We're all on your side, Emily.
There's only one way
to describe the way he treated
you after the tournament.
Uncool.
Totally uncalled for.
That's what I'm screaming.
The dude's a friggin' dick.
I choked in the third game.
I did.
And, uh,
afterward, he got all up
in my bubble,
you know,
shouting real loud,
you know, and then he started
doing that mooning thing
where you share
your bare naked bottom,
wiggling it back and forth.
And then he farted...
While his pants were down.
And, uh,
I don't know
if maybe he pooped
a little bit,
because the smell was...
Real bad, you know,
and it got up in my nose,
and with like
no filter or nothing.
And, uh--
and, uh,
then my dad stepped in.
And, um,
anyway, so, you know,
it made all the papers,
of course,
and, uh,
there was one headline
that read, uh,
"'choking on farts,'
starring Emily baardsson."
So, yeah,
I'm not in the best mood
when he's around.
But, you know, I, uh--
I gotta get those views.
Got to get those views.
Hey, em, uh,
yeah, maybe after this,
you know, if you needed
to wind down a bit,
take the edge off,
you know,
we could go get some drinks?
Just you, just me.
Papa Nick's buying!
-Yeah, yeah, I'd like that.
-Right, all right, great.
But, you know,
like, as friends, yeah?
Yeah, friends,
more than friends,
future couple.
-You know, either way.
-Nick, come on.
You know I'm not into guys.
Never have been.
Never will be.
There I said it.
Not all lesbians look like
al franken, you know.
It's, uh--
it's a joke I like to tell.
Nick really
has to let that one go.
I mean,
i know he's into her
and everything,
but... he's barking up
the wrong tree.
I can't get enough of her.
She's, seriously, like,
the omega babe
of the century.
You know,
she's the end all
to be all babes.
She is the mayor
of babe city U.S.A.,
and I am voting for her
every year.
But, yeah, I just gotta
respect her, though,
you know, 'cause she's--
she's super cool,
and, uh, she's a great friend,
and so friendship it is.
What kinda question is that?
Of course
Gunnar plans to win.
Seems that's all
he ever does really.
Win. Me. Champion.
Greatest ever.
These are words I've become
to be known ab-- about.
They get used
about me a bunch.
I mean,
it's no surprise.
I've won ten out of
the last 12 roseau bowls,
including the last
seven straight.
-Now...
-Including, also--
also including
the 2010 roseau bowl.
Which was the last time
they had the open bracket.
You know that they
closed it down?
Because I beat you
so bad, right?
That's not why
they closed it.
Yeah, it is.
You remember that?
Remember I put my butt
in your face and I farted?
Remember when I farted
in your face?
Yeah! You know, what? Yeah!
Yeah, I remember,
you stupid idiot!
Jeez, who do you think
you are, huh?
You know if you--
if your balls were in the gutter
half as much as your mind,
-you'd be bowling zeros.
-That's right.
I am that guy.
I'm also the guy calling you out
for this year's roseau bowl.
That's right.
You versus me, toots,
on the hardwood.
Gunnar.
You know, I'm, uh,
I'm retired.
And, uh,
i gotta lot on my plate.
You know, I got a job,
and I, uh,
i got my aunt Donna
who's bowling.
And, I, you know,
i couldn't ever bowl
against her.
-Huh.
-And, I, and I got,
I got book clubs
on Tuesdays.
-And I got tons of shows...
-Horse hockey!
-Building up on my dvr.
-In its purest form.
Absolute horse hockey!
You don't have too much
on your plate.
And Donna's a moron.
You're a chicken.
Duck, duck, gray duck,
you're a chicken.
You tore my family apart!
And I want
nothing to do with you
and your stupid challenge!
And that's all the time
we have for today.
So, um,
please tune in next week
when we discuss the importance
of different
size finger holes...
Finger holes?
Did you hear what she said?
And, uh,
I'm Emily baardsson
and, uh...
Oh, I can't believe
you just said that.
-This is how I roll.
-Finger holes!
- Gunnar!
- I can't believe it.
-Gunnar, get out!
-Where are we going?
Seriously, Gunnar,
get outta here.
You guys want a selfie
or something before I leave?
Jeez.
Thanks for having me, Emily.
I don't know,
you know, he's--
I just got all rattled
and I, I was,
-was I too mean?
-No.
I mean,
i got real upset,
man, I cannot stand that guy.
-You all right?
-Yeah, I'll be fine, thanks.
Good. You really
nailed him, though,
with that
balls in that gutter line.
Huh?
Oh, jeez,
no, I meant, like--
aw, dang.
Oh, I know I'm,
like, uh, aw, jeez.
-Yes!
-Whoo!
There you go, Donna.
You know,
you've got that power,
and it is all about
that follow-through.
It felt real good.
-It looked real good.
-Yeah.
You're like
a sniper out there.
Okay, so for this
next time, though,
I'm gonna have you take a
step and a half to your right.
Mm-hmm.
Ease up on that spin
just a touch.
-Okay.
-Okay?
-Mm-hmm.
-You got this.
-Here she goes.
-Heart's pounding.
-Whoo!
-Oh, man!
Yes! That was unbelievable.
-Yeah!
-You two are good together.
Oh, yeah, we are.
It's all her, though.
-Yeah.
-You know, uh,
I saw that
interview with Gunnar.
Did you now?
Well, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
Well, you wanna know
what I think?
Maybe not.
You know, maybe we just
sweep this one under the rug?
Well, I think
you should take him down.
I wouldn't be mad.
You're the best bowler I know.
Come on, now,
you know I can't do that.
No, no,
i don't know that.
I know you'd beat me,
that much I know.
After everything
that he's put you through,
you're the only one
who can shut him up,
and somebody
needs to shut him up.
You know,
i know they do,
and I'm training the person
that's gonna do it.
Okay, you know I truly,
truly believe that.
Just to be clear,
you two are talking about...
Yes, I'm talking
about Donna, Jeff.
Yeah, Jeff, who'd you think
she was talking about?
-She's training me.
-Yeah.
-Doesn't that make sense?
-You're the one.
Sometimes you can be
a real dummy, you know that?
You know, if you weren't
such a steaming
hot piece of yum-yum,
i don't know what I'd do.
Look at you.
Ooh!
It's like Hercules.
What? We did some
groceries today.
-Yeah.
-Yes, you did.
-Let me see those buns.
-Okay.
Of course I'm gonna
win it this year,
unless some
freak accident happens.
I mean, my biggest competition
right now is Donna.
You heard me. Donna!
Friggin' Donna!
Who the heck is Donna?
I mean, I'm what
the bowling community
refers to as a cranker.
C-a-r, no.
C-r-a-n,
yeah, c-r-a-n,
c-r-a-n-k-e-r.
Cranker. Right?
Ain't too many people
in a bowling alley
that can do
what it is that I can do.
What I do is I come
with a high backswing,
I square my shoulders,
and then
i put a lot of spin
on the ball,
and then I just let 'er rip.
I get as close
to the line as possible
and then I just release.
You know,
it's a plant and pull.
So, plant and then pull.
Far as I'm concerned,
that's the best way to get
a big hook on your ball.
You know, I mean,
of course you know.
Unless you're
a friggin' idiot.
Bowling is like life to me.
Frame by frame,
no apologies.
Gunnar does what Gunnar does,
and he never looks back.
Emily can blame me all she wants
for what happened,
but she's the one that needs
to look in the mirror.
You know, as far as
I'm concerned,
if she didn't choke,
everybody would be
alive and well
singing "Kumbaya"
and.
But she choked
at the end of the game,
and I just let her
know about it.
And that's my fault?
That makes me the bad guy?
I don't think so.
And I'll learn you
something else,
America don't think so either.
Boom!
Okay, you know,
not bad, not bad.
What am I gonna
tell ya though?
Uh, that I didn't
follow through.
Exactly.
You know,
bowling is like life.
You gotta follow through.
Lose or lose,
Follow through.
Okay, I know, I know.
Two weeks to go,
you know.
We gotta get this
every single time.
Okay, you got it.
Things are really
heating up here.
Can I tell ya,
we need Emily now
more than ever.
Ever since I got a promotion
at Christian brothers,
I just don't have
nearly the time needed.
But I'd say we're in
pretty good hands.
-Yes! Whoo!
-Nailed it!
Yes, you did. Do it.
Do I think she can win?
No telling, really,
i guess.
Uh, but she's doing
really good, you know?
Bowling the best
she ever has.
Is it enough to beat Gunnar?
I don't know.
Your guess is as good as mine.
But here's one thing
i will say,
nothing's gonna stop her
from trying.
You know,
she's gonna get out there,
and she's gonna do her best.
That much I can guarantee.
- Aah!
- Are you okay?
My back.
I think
it's my latissimus dorsi!
She's speaking gibberish.
It's okay, Donna.
Just breathe, okay?
-It's gonna be okay.
-No, it's not.
Last time this happened,
i couldn't bowl for a month.
-Oh, I think it's torn.
-Donna, Donna.
-I think it's torn.
-It's gonna be okay.
No, I'm not gonna be okay.
This town needs you, Emily.
Your family needs you.
I need you to bowl for me.
You really think she's gonna
announce it on air?
Dude, you never know.
She could be
a total wildcard at times.
No, no, it's gotta be
about the tournament.
So we've been told Emily
has a pretty big announcement
-to make on her show today.
-I think she's gonna be
announcing that she's
entering the tournament.
Kenny's probably right,
but, man, fingers crossed.
If she's announcing that
she's gonna try dudes today,
pretty good chance
that my long hair bumps me
to the front of the line.
Dude, I'm just saying
if it's gonna be anybody,
-it's probably gonna me.
-What would be you?
Uh, we hear
you got some news.
-Huh?
-The show.
We hear you got
a big announcement to make.
Oh, yeah, big time.
Get ready...
For me to enter the roseau bowl
tournament this year.
You say you're not scared?
Well, I got 288 reasons
for you to be scared,
you frickin' little baby.
That's what I bowled
yesterday and, uh,
and those were also
the reasons.
Well, I got the best friggin'
coach in Minnesota,
and I'm coming
to whoop your behind,
pardon my French.
I'm Emily baardsson,
and this is how I roll.
Is 288 a good score?
Sure, it's darn good.
But you know what
that means, right?
It means
she choked in the end.
Last frame.
When it comes down to the wire,
she's gonna choke.
she always does.
I don't know the exact
science behind it,
but it had something to do
with a woman competing.
Now I'm gonna choose my words
real careful here.
It's just like--
like their reproductive parts
or something remind them
that if they ever
want to have babies
their body
won't even let them win.
Like, again,
i don't know the exact
science behind it,
but it was something
i read online once on a.O.L.,
and it was in a chat room.
you know,
you never know, though.
I mean, you can't believe
everything you read online.
Plus, how do I know
she wasn't one of those freaks
born with girl
and boy parts?
Then all the science goes
right down the drain.
Everybody knows that.
So Gunnar
just has to train
his ass off,
and that's what Gunnar does.
Oh, yeah, that's much better.
Yeah, you know,
i don't see the point of this.
Uh, to strengthen your
backswing, doy!
Hey, don't doy me.
Okay, follow-through
is the most important thing,
so I don't know why we're
working the friggin' backswing
when we should be working on
follow-through.
Jeepers, em.
No need to get all worked up.
You just need to have
a well-rounded game.
Yeah, I know.
You think you can
torque the ball enough
to take down a 5-7 split,
or heaven forbid, a 7-10,
with your dinky backswing?
Jeez.
"Jeez" is right.
No siree Bob, you can't.
Now we don't have much time,
and we need to get you there.
-Okay.
-Okay.
- Eye of the tiger.
- Strike.
Torque it!
Torque it! Torque it!
Strike, strike, strike,
strike, strike!
Strike, strike, strike,
strike, strike!
Torque it!
Torque it! Torque it!
93, 94, 95...
You're doing great.
96, 97, 98, 99, 100!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
Let's take it to the lanes!
Yes, let's take it
to the lanes, also, too.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Strike!
-Strike!
-Whooshka!
-Order a tater tot hot dish,
'cause she just
smashed the potatoes.
Those pins
don't stand a chance.
Whoo!
-Oh!
-Oh!
-One more, one more.
-One more.
Okay.
Whoo!
Now are you ready
to take on Gunnar?
Ready as I'll ever be, yes.
Whoo!
This isn't just one of those
Hollywood movies
where a girl
is just going after a man.
Unless you count the man
on the top of the trophy,
which I guess
i kinda am going after.
Dang. Eh.
Whoo!
There are times
in a person's life
where they can't lose,
and that's me right now.
I can't lose.
Unless someone bowls
a higher score than me,
and then I would lose.
But I feel real good
about that not happening.
Probably, to me.
Wow. Powerful stuff, em.
Oh, yeah, I heard all right,
you betcha.
Yeah, Emily coming back
could not be better
for a whole slew
of reasons.
I mean, she will bring
literally dozens
of fans with her,
and more people to feed
just equals
more concession money.
That's just
an old-fashioned
blend of math
and common sense
right there.
Barry,
you're five minutes late.
But crap,
I'm 25 minutes early.
I gotcha.
Just testing ya.
Nah, I'm a fun boss.
But, seriously,
we like to joke around
about here.
So, yeah. Hey, Adam.
Hey, you coming to
the roseau bowl this year?
-You betcha.
-See?
Adam hasn't been
to a roseau bowl in
three, four years.
So not only will Emily
bring more fans with her,
I just hope
she can get redemption
from what happened
last time.
What happened
to my cousin, her dad,
it's inexcusable.
It makes me sick.
- Did she tell ya about that?
- About the fart?
Oh, no siree.
No, Gunnar--
Gunnar, he took it
much further.
It got ugly,
that's all I can say.
I'll leave her to tell ya
the rest about that.
Barry! Quit sleeping
on the job!
I'm not. Frickin' eyes
are wide open.
I was putting my lunch
in the friggin' thing.
-I'm just testing ya.
-Freakin' blueberries and--
every stinkin' time.
Every stinkin' time.
Warming up, baby.
Gotta have those
game day rituals.
How many do you have?
How long are you guys
gonna be here?
Because I got a friggin'
crapload of 'em.
No, I don't anything
real special to prepare.
I'm just grading some
papers right here,
and I'll probably
call Donna in a bit,
see how she's doing.
Honestly, it's really
just a normal day for me
before I head on down
to the alley.
So you don't have any
superstitions or anything?
Oh, gag me with a spoon.
48, 49, 50.
All part of the process
of being great,
you gotta get the sugar
out of the cereal,
but if you let it digest,
you get all
the bad carbs, too.
A little secret
i came up with
to get the best
of both worlds.
50...
I know I have
what it takes to win.
I've prepared
the way I need to win.
Superstitions?
They're really just
another form of fear.
That's a interesting way
to look at it.
The way I see it,
if I win,
it's 'cause
i was the best that day.
If I lose,
it's 'cause I wasn't
good enough.
This is the most important part
of the morning ritual.
I gotta put
my underwear on inside out.
Well, why's that?
Uh, 12 years ago,
I was on day three
of my underwear
the day of the competition.
Obviously,
you don't wanna smell,
so I put them on inside out
to squeeze one more day
out of the deal.
That was the first time
i took home the gold.
Ever since then,
even if I've only
worn them one day
or none days,
I still turn them on inside out
the day of the tournament.
I forgot to two times,
and those are the two years
i got second.
Coincidence?
No. Fact.
You think you need to do that
to beat Emily as well?
Ha! So funny
i forget to laugh.
You know what?
You're right.
I'm gonna put 'em on regular
just to prove a point.
Eh, I probably better just
put 'em on inside out.
I mean, I'm coming up
on day seven now.
It has nothing
to do with Emily.
You know, it's not gonna make
a lick of difference
if I put on
some magical t-shirt,
if I put
my underpants inside out,
that's just fear.
So you know about Gunnar?
Huh?
Gunnar puts his
underwear inside out
the day of the tournament.
No.
No.
No.
Get outta town.
No, no, no, no. No!
This is happening.
Gunnar versus Emily.
The epic showdown
that'll make
the federation-klingon
war of 2372
look like the vrash slaughter
by the people of pasik.
That's right.
Gunnar's got this.
Me and Gunnar,
we're gonna be the stars
of the show.
Why you?
Oh, you didn't--
you didn't hear?
Um, they chose--
they chose me to be the guy
who sings
the usa national anthem
for the bowling thing.
So, uh,
if you guys wanted,
i could probably give you
a little sneak pre--
Emily?
Em?
Hey, em,
it's Nick.
Long hair don't care.
Back hair don't care.
Time to go
to the tournament, em.
Time to bowl some strikes,
get some spares.
Emily, are you all right?
Heck no. No, I'm--
I'm sick, you know?
I'm sicker than a dog
in an ice fishing hole.
Yeah, hey, em,
the tournament's today.
The big tournament.
Did you forget
that it's today?
-The roseau bowl?
-I know, Nick, I know.
Okay.
I'm, uh, you know,
I can have bjorn
bowl in my place.
I don't--
i don't think that's such--
such a really good idea, em.
-I've got nothing else.
-Psych out, em.
You've got you.
Come on, I mean,
you're amazing at everything.
And that's why I'm so thankful
for our friendship.
And, I mean, I know
that there's never gonna be
anything more than that,
and that's totally okay.
You can't help
but be into babes.
So what,
you're into babes.
You know,
i can't blame you,
because I'm totally
into babes.
Babes are literally my most
favorite thing in the world.
It's, like,
why I do anything.
Why do I go outside?
Uh, I don't know.
Hopefully I see a babe.
You know,
it's like my life's motto.
-A babe a day...
-Feeds the boner buffet.
I know.
I helped you write that.
But what're you
trying to say?
I'm trying to say
that I really just love
being your friend,
and I know you can do this.
Whether you're sick or not,
em, I believe in you.
-That's sweet.
-Frick yeah, it's sweet.
I'm a frickin' sweet guy.
You know, hey,
you remember your most
viewed vlog, right?
Oh, jeez,
yeah, of course.
Yeah, well, you were sick
when you were doing that, too.
Yeah, okay, but, you know,
how does that relate?
Well, that's the episode
that you talked about
the art of
the follow-through.
Not just in bowling,
but in real life, too.
You know, you've always known
how to get exactly what you want
by just following through.
That's why, what,
a million people or so
have watched that episode
when like most
have barely
gotten a hundred.
Okay, Nick,
that's not why all those people
-watched that video.
-Oh, really?
Yeah, that's the episode
where my boob popped out
for nearly a minute.
-That's right, 54 seconds.
-You know, I didn't even know
my boob popped out until
i saw that video had over
-a hundred thousand views.
-Yeah, the video got so big
because know how
to follow through.
I mean, it's like,
no matter how sick you get
or how long your titty
hangs out of your shirt,
you just keep going.
You know,
you're so dedicated.
Look, em, it's like,
know matter what you decide,
I'm always gonna be
in your corner, all right?
I appreciate it.
Um, but i--
you know, I...
I just don't think
i can do it.
Em, I know you can do it.
I hope you change your mind.
All right, get outta here.
Okay.
Hey there, Barry.
Cash drawer come out on point
three days in a row?
Ah, jeez. Hello?
This illness really
hit you quickly.
Yeah. I, uh,
I suppose it did.
I guess we should
probably get going
so we don't catch anything.
No, you'll--
you'll be fine.
Ugh. I just got a call
from Nick.
He says
I'm supposed to bowl
in em's place.
Gosh, she's sick or something?
I don't know.
Must be some kinda doofus
taking crazy pills
to think I can bowl
in a tournament like that.
We got people coming in
from friggin' anoka
and friggin' Blaine
and friggin' coon rapids.
I was just thinkin'
about my dad.
Where is he now?
-Dead.
-Oh.
I'm so sorry.
You know, Gunnar was just
pushing and pushing...
And the mooning
and the farting...
You know, as if I didn't
already feel bad enough
about losing, you know?
He had to go and make it
infinity times worse.
And, uh--
and, uh,
my dad stepped in.
But, uh,
I think he musta got
overheated or something...
And, uh--
you know, in his heart
because...
He had a heart attack.
And he...
He died.
I'm sorry.
He was by best friend
in the world,
and it's my fault
that he died.
Bro!
Your bowler's
not here yet.
-Yeah.
-Where's Emily?
I'm talking about you.
We got bad news, bro.
Well, yeah,
you're telling me.
There's literally,
i don't know,
tens of people here
to see the big showdown.
Yeah, that's the thing.
There's not gonna be
a big showdown, man.
Emily's sick.
No kidding?
Yeah, man,
dead serious, bro.
Oh, jeez.
-Oh, jeez.
-Yeah. Oh, jeez, is right.
I just hope she's okay.
Yeah, I just hope these people
stick around long enough...
For nothing.
I frigging stocked concessions
plum full for this.
Well, scram!
Attention, everyone.
Emily will not be making it
to the tournament.
Look, be sure to ease
your sorrows, um,
with an ice cold fountain drink
or a nice hot "pretzable",
available at the, um,
right over there
at the concession stand.
Look, this news is sure sour,
so get something sweet,
like a candy bar
or maybe some Taffy.
You can also
upgrade any meal
with an order of nice
hot seasoned fries.
Anywho, we're gonna
go ahead and get started
with the tournament.
Let's, uh,
have Barry Williams here
to sing the national anthem.
hey, em, I hear
you're feeling real junky.
Yeah, yeah,
you know, I, uh,
got a real bad sinus infection
in my lower abdomen,
and, uh, it's real bad,
you know?
You ain't sick, are ya?
I mean, those tissues aren't
from blowing your nose.
What happened to dad
wasn't your fault.
-I know, but i--
-plus, let's not pretend
he was exactly
the picture of health.
Well, a three-time
schnitzel-eating champion
never is.
No. Look, em,
dad would want you to bowl.
So what'd you say?
And we are underway, fans.
I am Alan Johnson,
owner of this beautiful
establishment,
and alongside me as always,
the gorgeous vocal minority
and my brother
from another mother, Johnny.
Yeah, see, our dad couldn't
keep it in his pants.
Looks like today's the day
there's gonna be a bowling game.
Excellent color there, Johnny.
Might I add, the suit
looks amazing on you,
as it has the last
seven days in a row.
Well, you don't make a trip
all the way to mall of America
-just for cargo shorts.
-You certainly don't.
Let's get down to the floor.
And a perfect strike
for Gunnar.
Two more of those, and he is
out of the competition.
-No, that's a Turkey.
-I'm not actually doing
meat right now.
-I'm kind of on a cleanse.
-Well, it's working.
-You look fantastic.
-My bowels feel amazing.
-Hey! Hey, Emily's here.
-What?
No. No.
Can you believe Emily
showed up?
Absolutely,
I'm looking right at her.
-Sorry I'm late.
-A little too late really.
-Ooh. Right-o.
-Shut up, Johnny.
Sorry.
We already started.
-I'm really not sorry.
-It's true.
We actually
did start already.
-Well, has everyone
bowled yet?
-Just me, toots.
Strike.
The rules state
that as long as
no bowler has bowled
two frames,
new competitors
are permitted to join
the competition
with the majority vote
of all bowlers
and permission
from the commissioner.
-Let me see that.
-No, that's not the rule book.
It's, uh, "sisterhood
of the traveling pants."
-No spoilers.
-You know I've got no problem.
Thirsty for a showdown?
Hurry up and quench that thirst
right now with
a ice cold fountain drink
available at
the concession stand.
This is ridiculous!
I'm trying to have
a tournament here!
The only thing
that's ridiculous
is the savings
when you buy
a jumbo cheese pretzel
or nachos
available right now
at the concession stand.
What's the matter, Gunnar?
You look scared.
I mean, I would be, too,
if I were you.
-I'm not afraid of nothing.
-So you are afraid of something.
No. I just said
"I'm not afraid of nothing."
You just used
a double-negative,
thus turning it
into a positive,
which translates to
"i am scared of something."
So you are scared of something.
We wanna know what it is.
Yeah, you know,
he's not wrong.
It's bees, isn't it?
I'm scared of bees, too.
I'm not even
allergic or anything.
-I just hate getting stung.
-Getting stung is the worst.
Right? And the swelling
and the itching--
-all right!
Get the vote already!
-You heard the man.
All bowlers in favor of Emily
joining the competition
-just say "aye."
-Aye.
-Aye.
-No!
An overwhelming majority.
Let's get started, folks.
Fine, but be prepared
to be dominated.
I'm not taking it
easy on nobody.
So he is taking it easy
on somebody.
Stay tuned
to find out whom.
Shut up, Johnny.
Start speaking American.
You're gonna get it, Emily!
ski-u-mah!
Gunnar and Emily have really
run away with it.
Ninth frame,
Gunnar leads by seven pins.
-Emily needs a miracle here.
-She certainly does.
Either that or to pick up
eight more points than Gunnar
on the next two boxes.
-I believe that would
do the trick as well.
-It absolutely would.
It absolutely would.
Let's get right back into it.
oh! Friggin' no!
-Gunnar does not
like the looks of that.
-Is it possible
there was something
strategic
about leaving those
two pins there?
Perhaps he's planning
for a future move,
and this is a setup.
Anything along those lines
possible at all?
-Absolutely not.
-Right-o.
Here comes Emily,
her chances, although grim,
not quite eliminated
from the game mathematically.
I was actually
in Emily's math class.
And though not quite
half a tard,
certainly no
straight-a student.
shoot.
Emily just barely misses
-that strike.
-Mmm, perhaps
if she'd taken it just
a bee's dick to the left,
she would've picked up
that last pin.
That would be
a higher score.
Great job
with your numbers,
Johnny.
Here comes Gunnar
to open up the tenth frame.
-He scores!
-Like a tater tot hot dish,
-that is yummy.
-Smells like victory.
No, you smell bad,
and I'm being serious.
Maybe I beefed.
Deal with it.
Whoo!
Friggin' gross.
another strike.
Unbelievable.
I have not seen
dance moves like that
since the last time
our dad got remarried...
-Again.
-That is spot on.
Gunnar looks to put
the final nail in the coffin
Closed out the game
with a Turkey.
Emily will take
an easy second place,
but it's no longer possible
for her to win game one.
-Yes, she would need a miracle.
-No, she literally can't win.
Exactly.
I didn't know
you were gonna make it
so easy for me.
Oh, yeah? Well,
I'm all warmed up now.
So you're going downtown,
buster brown.
Hah! You keep bowling
like a can of rotten lutefisk,
the only thing
going down is you
-into the trash can.
-Yeah?
Well, at least I don't
smell like rotten lutefisk.
You're always eatin' it,
when it's rotten,
probably.
Ooh, shots fired.
all right,
this is it, em.
I believe in ya.
I don't--
I don't think
i can beat him.
There's nobody
on this planet
I believe in
more than you,
and I met
Leonard nimoy once.
And if he were
to show up to this thing,
I'd still
believe in you more.
I mean, it'd be close,
but, uh,
you'd take the cake.
Leonard nimoy's dead.
-What?
-Yeah.
Well then,
some other star that
has what it takes
to pull through
when the odds are against 'em,
like, uh, Whitney Houston.
What I'm tryin' to say is
you have it in ya.
You always have.
And just like
miss Houston herself,
you will
continue to succeed
for years to come.
Bobby brown
can't keep you down.
It's time to get some.
and we are back,
round two of three.
If Gunnar wins this one,
it's all over.
fair dinkum!
That was an absolute Pearl.
to pick up his game before
he lets this one slip away.
-He is bowling
like a real dick.
-I can hear you.
wow. That's two in a row
for Emily.
She is perfect so far.
Imagine what Emily's score
might be if she continues
this perfect streak
all the way through.
-close to what
i would assume,
but there's no way of
knowing for sure.
and another strike for Emily.
-Halfway through,
and she's still perfect.
-It is safe to say
that Emily
is the Serena Williams
of awkward
white people sports.
She certainly is,
and she is phenomenal.
Emily's got this one
in the bag.
We are going
to a third, folks.
Whoo! Nice!
I knew you could do it.
I knew you could do it.
You know,
I'm starting to believe in me
like you believe in me.
You should.
I mean, you're amazing.
-All luck, all luck.
-All luck?
Hah! My butt.
You want me to go
"Batman forever" on your ass?
-Hey! Hey! Hey!
-Make your face
look like seal?
-You're about to get
a kiss from a rose.
-That is not cool.
Seal's skin is like that
from a disease.
Pretty sure
it's from a shark attack.
That's where
he got his nickname "seal."
-Uh, seal has lupus.
-Then how can he walk?
He get better doctors
than president Roosevelt?
-Uh, f.D.R. Had polio.
-Yeah? You have polio,
and I'm a shark about to attack,
and you're nothing but a seal
-without all
the killer slow jams.
-You know what?
-You're a friggin' idiot.
-I might be an idiot,
but at least I'm not gonna
choke in the last game.
You done it before,
you'll do it again.
Everybody knows it.
Then you'll have to go away
and hide for another five years.
Also, I'm not an idiot.
three frames into round three,
and Gunnar is sitting perfect.
Meanwhile,
Emily seems to have
lost her steam from round two
with two spares
and failing
to close out a third.
How goes it, em?
-It's fine. You?
-Ah, pretty good.
Uh, it's a little colder
than I'd like,
but that Minnesota for ya.
Ahem.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Is there
something you wanted?
Yeah, I, uh,
I just want to talk to you
about all this.
-Yeah.
-Look.
You're the best bowler
I've ever seen,
on and off the lanes.
-Thanks.
-No, I mean it, em.
You can do this,
all right?
You just need to remember
who you're doing it for.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, pops.
-Yeah.
-No.
You need to do this for you.
Your whole life,
all you do is give.
You wasted your time
with Donna,
and god bless her heart,
she friggin' stinks.
So screw Gunnar
and screw the other bowlers.
This is for you,
because that's what dad
would want.
Okay?
-Yeah.
-All right.
Go get him.
I have never seen
anything like this.
-She is a woman on a mission.
-Speaking of missions,
if you're on the way back
from the bathroom,
stop at
the concession stand
for the new kosher
Polish corn dogs.
They're delicious.
Gunnar seems to be feeling
the pressure.
He seems to have lost focus.
Is that a thing
that's important in bowling?
I imagine it is.
It most definitely is,
Johnny, yeah.
And another strike
for Emily.
We are witnessing
roseau bowl history.
That sounds more grandiose
than I assume it is
in real life.
-That is how you bowl!
-That is how you bowl!
She's unstoppable.
A slow start,
but has bowled perfect
since that third frame.
Well, there's only
one little box thing left
and their scores
are pretty close,
is that fair to say?
Yes, Johnny,
they are all tied up.
That sounds really close.
Is it ever.
Gunnar will bowl first.
He does look
disappointed though.
Probably wishes
he'd hit all the pins
on that last one.
That's my best guess anyway.
Nothing escapes
my brother Johnny.
Here comes Emily.
you little beauty.
Check out Emily.
Hoo-hoo, wow!
One down, two to go.
I don't believe this.
are you having fun?
Yeah.
-For dad.
-All right, you got this.
yeah!
She has done it.
She has won
the open bracket
championship
and redemption
for her father,
my cousin.
Stop by
the concession stand
to celebrate
with a licorice rope
or an ice cold fountain drink.
They're not on sale.
We just have plenty available.
And it is all over,
i hope, anyway.
I've got some where to be.
yeah, Emily!
You did it.
-Whoo! Yeah!
-Whoo!
You friggin' cheated!
You cheated.
Everybody knows that.
-I won that fair and square.
-Okay, whatever, Gunnar.
Have a nice day.
Nine out of ten times
i catch you cheating.
-You're a friggin' cheater.
-Celebration subs for everyone.
-I love subs.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Strike!
oh, jeez,
has it felt good.
The publicity from winning
the roseau bowl
has been overwhelming.
I mean, I had nearly
six strangers send me
congrats flowers.
So, yeah, pretty nuts.
And, oh, jeez.
It didn't stop there either,
no siree.
My video blog has taken off
like nobody's business.
It's paying the bill now,
you know?
So I got to quit
my teaching job.
And now I have
so much free time
to train Donna
to win next year's
roseau bowl.
And bjorn
has been training me
to win this year's
national championship.
Bomb dropped.
Six months, huh?
Seems longer behind bars.
You went to jail?
Yeah, the night
of the tournament,
i got drunk.
I don't mean like
a couple drinks too many
I shouldn't drive
my truck home drunk.
I mean, like,
blacked out,
wake up outside
with a goat chained
around your leg
and a toilet cake
in your shirt pocket
kinda drunk.
In my case, instead of
waking up outside,
I woke up
in the drunk tank.
And instead of a toilet cake
in my shirt pocket,
I just didn't have
any pants on.
And, uh, the goat?
No, that happened.
Anywho, I always heard
that when you're in jail
you gotta beat up
the biggest guy in there
so you don't become
a prison.
I coulda sworn
she was a guy,
you know, coming from
a costume party or something.
Apparently,
that police uniform
was very real,
and so was her night stick,
her pepper spray, her taser,
her k-9 unit.
After I healed up,
I got five months
for assault on an officer.
Which is kinda bull ,
because even though
i threw the first punch,
it didn't even land.
Oh, boy, were we excited
for Emily to win.
And, uh, we've been keeping
pretty busy since then, too.
I found a bird outside,
and it was almost dead.
I nursed it back to health.
Kept it in the house
for a week.
-Yep.
-And then I let it go.
And that's what you gotta do.
You gotta let them fly.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Not gonna keep him
for a pet,
but I nursed it
back to health.
You did,
and then you shooed it out
with a broom.
Yeah, and then I shooed.
I said, "shoo! Shoo!
-Go on now, go!"
-Didn't want to leave
-'cause it loved her so much.
-Yeah. See that now?
-They'll bond with me.
-Absolutely.
She used that tough love,
got herself a broom,
shooed that bird
outta the house.
You gotta push
the bird outta the nest.
-That's what they say.
-Absolutely.
So we're thinking about
adopting, you know?
You guys were clearly
in for a pretty big treat
when you got to hear me
sing the usa anthem
at the bowling alley.
But, like, sure,
there were some freakin' jerks
just like saying
stupid crap on YouTube.
Like, whatever.
I'm just gonna
keep living fancy,
'cause I got some real hype
behind me from that, too.
I got to sing the usa anthem
at the St. Paul saints game.
So would
a freakin' cheeseknob
get to do that,
mister @cmchfx?
Probably not.
Um, if you guys wanted,
I could probably
get you a tape
of me doing
that singing thing
for you to use
inside your movie.
Nah, we're good.
On a bright note,
I became very spiritual
in prison.
I realized that I had
a lot of anger issues
that I needed to work on,
and the word of Buddha
really spoke to me.
It's helping me become
a better person
on and off the lanes.
Gunney, tater tot
hot dish is ready.
Come get supper.
I told you!
I wanted lutefisk
and lefse.
How hard
can it be
to open up a can
of lutefisk
and wrap up some
lefse?
That woman.
This is what I deal with.
This is my life.
Most of my videos
are getting hundreds of
thousands of views.
Some are even up
in the millions.
Unfortunately,
the same old video
still holds
my personal record.
Yeah, the booby slip clip
took off like wildfire.
Okay, I want you to get
a real good look in here, okay?
See how I'm holding
nothing back here?
That is how you...
Follow through with style.
I mean, sure like
someone might be walking by
and they're gonna see
and be like,
"what the friggin' heck
is she doing?"
And I want you to look them
in the eye and you say,
"I'm showing the world
what I got."
And what I got is a real...
Juicy follow-through."
Show the world what you got.
Don't hold nothing back.
I'm Emily baardsson
and this is how I roll.
Whoo. Freakin' jeez.
This thing is heavy.
Friggin' lip's wet.
Whoo! I am bowling like
a real doofus out there today.
Oh, come on, sis.
You just need to tweak
things a bit.
I know,
I'm just doing a little
self-defecating humor.
Did you say
"self-defecating"?
Yeah. You know,
it's like when you're
making jokes,
but you're also kind of
crappin' on yourself.
Oh, nice.
I knew I needed
to be a bowler
when me and
my best friend chambers
were throwing rocks
at each other
and I threw this rock
and it hit him
right in the forehead.
He was like really mad.
So I was like
running away from him,
but he caught me
and he tripped me,
like, really hard,
and I slammed my head into
the pavement three times.
And that's when I knew.
I get up from that,
and I knew I needed
to be a bowler.
It's not terrible.
She could still
pick up a spare.
-Jeez Louise!
-You're a monster.
I like taking pictures of people
who have kitchen tables,
but they have,
like, different chairs
that didn't
come with the table.
Yeah, he finds it
real interesting.
Yeah, so whenever we go to
some friend's house
and they have a kitchen table,
but it's clear those chairs
aren't matching--
-where'd you get them?
-Where'd you get those?
What happened
to the regular chairs?
Did they break
and then you couldn't
get 'em fixed or something?
And there's usually
a heck of a story there,
and I'll write that story down
and I'll put it in the book.
Right now it's just like--
it was an empty photo album.
I'm just filling up
a photo album,
then I just kinda
write little notes
about where
the chairs came from.
So it's not like
a real book or nothing.
How full is the photo album
at this point?
Six or seven tables.
Six or seven tables,
a bunch of chairs.
So it's getting there.
There's a doctor
they have on the air
Saturday mornings
on am 630.
Ask him if it's normal
for people
to only have sex
in the dark.
I don't think
he's that kind of doctor.
They're all
that kind of doctor.
It's human nature, Jeff.
I have needs, you know?
You need to have
the lights on?
Why don't you stop over
at the concession stand,
get a licorice rope,
corn dogs,
or an ice cold fountain drink.
We've got the pretzels,
open-face sandwiches,
and personal pizzas.
Feel free to grab
whatever you like.
We really
stocked up this year.
They are not on sale
or free,
we just have
plenty available.
Fair dinkum!
That was an absolute Pearl.
That was a rip snorter.
That was absolutely bonzo.
That was a belter.
You little beauty!
Check out Emily.
Wow! An absolute ball tearer
from Emily.
Don't say anything
to Emily,
but I'd eat that Booty
like groceries.
Jeez Louise,
real inappropriate,
Nicholas.
I think she heard me.
-Hey, Gary.
-Hey, Gunnar.
I'll be bowling
for free today, right?
Okay, um, my name's, uh--
I'm bar-- I'm bar--
did you guys, uh,
see that?
We're just, like--
we're just hanging out for
a minute or whatever.
It's pretty cool.