13 Demons (2016) Movie Script
1
- State your name.
State your name.
- Torkul of Darkhaven.
- Address?
- You may address
me as Abelsworth.
Lord of the high wind.
- Is that also known as
1205 Washington Lane?
- Surely you jest.
The realm of Darkhaven,
where we all reside.
- Do you take drugs?
- If you're trying
with your evil tricks
it will not work with me, sir.
- Come on man, we're not
gonna bust you for that.
You're not here for that.
Do you take drugs?
- Golden paladin needs no
mind-altering substances
to complete his quest.
- Do you take prescription
medications of any kind?
- I am not any of the clerics.
Mystical winds.
- Do you drink?
- Of course not, not when
my quest is still underway.
- What is your mission?
- To rid the realm of the
13 demons of the apocalypse.
May I go now?
- I am golden paladin
of the knight's order
of the high wind.
Once I have completed their
destruction and annihilation,
I will have freed the realm,
and I will have brought
peace to all man kind.
- Why 13?
- It's a sacred number
written down in the tomes.
It's taught through all of time.
- You know that we've had 12
murders in the last month?
- I do not care about murders.
If they are but of the
quest, they matter.
- And this is all
part of your mission?
- Yes, I must complete my quest.
- So when you say
demons, you mean humans?
- I've grown tired.
I've grown tired of
your questioning.
The demons are the ones
that have held us back.
- As foretold in the
tomes to bring forth
the end of everything is...
- what did you kill them with?
- I killed them with the
anointed dagger of Bastooge.
- You mean this?
A stick.
- My weapon, you have it.
May I have it back, please?
Sacred scimitar of Azcarden.
- Is this it?
A pipe.
- A pipe, you fool?
Your eyes look upon a
sacred relic all time
and you see a simple pipe?
- Please, I can see
you are a noble man,
I can see that in your eye.
Please give me my weapon.
I am on a divine quest.
- No.
- This the kind of men
you have in your kingdom?
- I understand little
of this inquiry.
Little of your
advantages towards me.
Why will you not release
me from this elven dungeon?
- Recognize this fella?
November 15.
Killed Dickie Collins.
- Yes.
He was the one who
welcomed us to this realm.
He set this all into motion.
- He was the Shepherd
of the high wind.
He brought us in.
- Before the prophecy,
as foretold in the tomes.
- He showed us the ways to
kill the demonic citadels.
- Why?
Why?
Challenge accepted.
- Hey guys.
Hey, you'll never guess what.
You'll never guess.
Shit, dude, I'm sorry man.
Look, no, no, no.
- God damn it, dude.
Challenge accepted.
- God damn it, man, I've
been playin' Bridges and
fuckin' knights for 12 hours.
God damn it, dude, fuck!
- Listen, listen.
- You know how
pristine I keep my set.
- All right, what is
so god damn important
you gotta come in
here kickin' shit?
I'm right in the middle of
gettin' to the reaper here,
I've never gotten that far,
this is dragon lair,
for god's sake,
you know what this
shit is like, come on!
- This is better.
- What the hell is this, dude?
- 13 demons.
I mean, you remember?
You don't remember,
the game, the game,
30 years ago it was banned.
People who played it, they
got so obsessed with it
they started killin'
other people and shit.
They actually thought that
they were these characters
in the game.
It was like dark ages, man.
I mean, they threw it
all on the streets, man.
They burned 'em and shit.
You don't remember this?
- I mean, rest assured, if
it was worth remembering,
I would remember it,
but I don't remember it.
- They don't even fuckin'
spell demons right.
- This is fucking rare,
man, this is huge!
I mean, check it out.
- This smells, man.
It's got a castle.
- Where did you get it?
- Argon's, argon's.
Old man argon, you know,
his bookstore's goin'
out of business.
You know Janet, you know, the
senile, his wife, you know?
- Oh.
- Isn't she like the one
with the wizard sleeve
and all that?
- Dude, she sold it to
me for like two bucks,
she doesn't know anything
about the dark
origin of this game.
I can't even believe that
old man argon even had this.
- 13 demons, dude.
I mean.
I mean, it sounds like a
throw back metal hair band
from 1984.
- This is die cast.
This shit's quality.
- Yeah, and where's the shoe?
- Take a look at
this crap now, man.
Look, it's heavy.
- Ooh.
- There was much rejoicing, yay!
I don't know, man.
- Dude, let me see that, man.
- What else is in there?
- Smells old.
Looks old.
Looks dumb.
And it's all moldy, it's not.
It's not even that old, dude.
Nah.
- Does it say made in Taiwan?
Oh.
That's some Jumanji shit.
- God damn.
- Ugh.
- Oh, what is that shit?
- It's the rule book.
- That's the rule book?
- You wanna play?
Um.
I think there's.
Wait a minute, hold on.
- Do you even know
where we start from?
- Well yeah, yeah, you can
start on any of the, um.
Uh, any of the, eh.
Wait no, wait hold
on one second.
Like reading this stuff,
it's like reading Beowulf,
you know, I mean.
Okay, so we are,
we're golden paladins,
we can start at any
corner in our realm.
- These are the realms.
- Yes, every four
corner, that's a realm.
So when we kill all of
our demons in our realm,
we can meet in the middle,
but we cannot enter
the citadel yet
where the king is imprisoned.
See, I mean, it's a lot easier
if we're playin' with four.
- So where do we
start from, though?
- You can start anywhere
here, I believe,
it's the closest gray
block from any corner,
you can pick, but it has
to be in your own domain.
- So we put these
little army men dude
on the triangle?
- These are forests.
- Well, what's up with
the triangles, then?
- Well, you can't
go through 'em.
- Why can't we go
through the forest?
- I don't now, it's just
like every game board,
they have to make it more
entertaining and stuff.
You know, it's like why are
there little Bridges here?
It's just to make it more
pleasurable, I guess.
So you go there, actually,
no you go right there
because you cannot be right
next to those red things.
- So what are the reds, then?
- Those are the demon bases.
- Demon base.
I heard some demon bass
on a track the other day.
It was sweet.
I don't like this, though.
That was more interesting, that.
- So, first off, we kill
each of those 13 demons
outside of any of the other
lollygagging that we do
through these events, through
the valley of whatever,
discontent, and yada yada yada.
- I know, it's like a
choose your own adventure.
- Then do we absorb
their souls or something?
Is this Tekken?
What are we doing?
- So this is how it works.
So here I am, I'm
on my orange circle,
it says you come
to dead druid pass.
You see many boulders that
is blocking your entrance
to the demon base.
- Demon base.
- Your only options
are to turn right...
- the fuck around.
- Look, I know these rules,
they're silly and everything,
but come on, we can at least say
that we're playing 13 demons.
The game that's banned,
that was burned.
Lives were.
You know what I mean?
It's like Everest.
You know, you gotta try it.
- I'm so confused, man.
- Whatever.
- No, I.
It has this odd aroma and
my olfactory's all screwy,
but it kinda smells like
this thing's been buried
under like burned leaves.
- I know, I know.
Yeah, it does stink a little.
I thought that, too.
- Okay, but I do
smell it, all right?
- Well it's an old game.
I mean this is the game our
grandfathers played with.
- Do you smell it?
Like more intensely than you
did like maybe two minutes ago?
- I got somethin' you
can smell intensely.
- No, that's.
- Is it getting stronger?
- Dude, yes.
- I mean, I don't
mind the smell.
- I don't know, dude.
Smell my fuckin', here.
- I like this better.
Oh, oh, shit.
- Yeah, no, that's.
- Fuck it, come on guys,
let's just play, man.
Let's just do one
step at a time,
and let's fuckin' play
man, let's do this.
Okay.
- Golden paladins
quickly approach
the miscellaneous
bookkeeper of Vesbin.
- You approach a
wounded minotaur
in the shrouds of Crell.
- A centurion guards the path.
You must fight the centurion.
- 30 crystalline water pieces.
- Golden paladin must
enter the Efrin wilderness.
- You approach two trolls
guarding the bridge.
- This don't make any sense.
- This is weird.
- I know, this game is so lousy.
- After taming the
shrewd beast of Borthank.
- They come across
burnt Willow tree,
currently still on fire.
- Retrieve five jubles
after the beggar Springs.
- The magical minstrel tells
you the parable of the sower.
- The blistered masses of buck?
- You've reached the forbidden
city of the mud people.
- You get the dagger of honor.
- This Ruby-encrusted Griffin.
- Flacid pilgrims of Glovert.
- The kind gentleman
gently offers you a voucher
at the drunken druid inn.
- He wonders if they are tired
and would like to
stay for the evening.
- Retrieve five liams against
the forkwill and wait.
- The blood bathers
captured the Duke's wife.
There is a bounty.
400 gold crowns.
- The Maxwolf of Freydor?
- To accept the
challenge, roll the die.
- Roll dice.
- I must slay you, you
three-titted harpee!
Oh, god.
Son of a bitch.
- I was waitin' on this one.
- I said that before, you
can't go through the trees.
- Am I doing this wrong?
- Apparently, you go
into another monster.
- No, we are the paladins.
We cannot join forces with a
monster, anything like that.
- Is that right, I don't know.
- I get why this is banned, man.
- Son of a bitch.
Fuck this game.
- The book smells way better
than the game though, man.
- Old burned book smell.
Like that one book where
they burn all the books.
- Burned leaves.
- It's like just like
fuckin' burned leaves, man.
Just like burned leaves.
- I'm kinda gettin' in
to this shit.
I think it's fun, right?
I told you.
- Aw, this game's ridiculous.
- It gets a little addicting.
- Dude, I got a six.
- Ha!
- That's what I'm
fuckin' talkin' about.
- There we go.
- Roll the die.
- You need to destroy the
doomsday clock, said the bard.
- You encounter the
prince of Athels.
- Four hundred gold
crowns goes to you.
- The morning star
of earthquakes.
- You encountered the
raging Rockman of Forthank.
- I won the shield of strength.
- The thunderquaker.
- Dude, the brass cummerbund.
- The unbreakable
Clay jar of Jarek.
- You will approach the
golden beetle chair.
- The old hag offers
you 40 krugers.
- The Baker's girl rewards
you with three sweet cakes.
- Entered into the
valley of horsemen.
- The maiden thanks you for
decimating the juggernaut.
- The chisel of Mangorge.
- You convert the crowns
into silver platinum togards.
- You just entered
into the grand gala
of the eagle silver man,
and the eagle silver woman.
- How long have we fuckin'
been playin' for, man?
- What time is it?
- Oh, about, two days,
it feels like.
- Hey, can I hit your
Basilisk, by the way.
- Yeah man, yeah.
- Thanks, man.
- Time flies when you're
having fun, right?
- I mean, we're close
to our demon bases, so.
Let's just play until that, man,
and we'll call it quits.
Let's just get
somewhere in this game.
Let's just complete a goal, so.
All right.
- All right, so.
- That's a five,
dude, that's good.
- About time.
- Ooh.
- You approach the demon's lair.
Hm.
- Read it, man.
- Yeah.
Demon is armed with a weapon.
Approach.
To be
enveloped in
embrace of your
paladin destiny.
- Too much
stuff and not enough cash?
Come to Greenville quick cash.
We buy and sell gold
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Be sure to check out our
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Also visit Cd DVD exchanges.
At the corner of 28th
street and east parish.
- Your news team is next.
Live, local, late-breaking news.
- A body was found
early this morning
in the alley behind
Doleman's market.
The man suffered a
fatal blow to the head
with a blunt object.
Police have no
leads at this time.
- I'm so troubled
that those people died.
- Where.
Where were we in this, is it?
We left off with you, right?
- Hm?
- No.
It's not yours, is it?
- Huh?
- You.
You got to the demon
base last night, right?
- Uh, that's right, I was.
I had to go across the pass.
- The pass.
Yeah dude, you were
on the citadel.
- Yeah, I got to the demon.
Yeah.
What the hell?
No, that one was
always that color?
- No, when's this
game from, like?
The 70s, yeah, man.
It's like a fuckin'
mood ring or some shit.
- When'd they make mood rings?
What year was that made?
- Same year as the
pet rock, dude.
- That's pretty
cool, though, man.
- Fuck yeah.
Hey boys, let's see what
else this thing does.
I mean, if it does that
shit without tellin' you,
let's see what else it does.
- All right, you're up, man.
- All right.
Congratulations,
golden paladin warrior.
Vanquishing your first demon.
Victory is well earned,
however your journey
is not yet complete.
To meet your fate, you must
first advance to the next quest.
You find yourself
standing on a hill
covered with scorched brush.
The trees
around you are black skeletons,
brown, shriveled skins dangling
where once the branches
dipped with red apples.
The sky's a sea of red,
choking with smoke.
Your village lay in ruin.
Demons chase young children
through the streets.
Sound of wailing fills the air.
You hear cracks like thunder.
Armies of demons riding
across the realm,
war, famine, pestilence,
tragedy, misery,
cut down your people
wherever you look.
Horrified, you raise
from your nightmare.
You fly past the ruined
trees of blasted earth
and heaven has opened up and
frozen with rain pelt you.
Winds strike at you and may
fight you like a feather.
Whoa, that's some heavy shit.
- Yeah.
- To advance,
you must roll a four or higher.
Roll to continue.
Fulfill your destiny.
- Fulfill that destiny.
- I'm gonna fulfill it.
- This is getting better, man.
- Oh.
Your turn.
- Oh, um.
You guys want a snort?
- Nah man, I'm good.
Let's just play the game.
- Okay, yeah.
Sure.
- Yeah, I'll have some.
- No man, no.
No, thanks, no.
Let's just play the game man.
Let's keep playing.
All right, all right?
Cool, all right.
Okay, um, so.
Paladins enter upon
the magic room.
The master speaks.
In my foolish enthusiasm I
blurted out the plans to you
while you were on
your way to collect
the henna rope from the
wise woman of the Viborg.
Viborg, or Viborg.
Viborg.
I'm really sorry,
I'm sorry, that was.
That was uncalled for.
Viborg.
I didn't mean to
mispronounce it.
Can we continue?
- Yeah.
Okay.
- I won't make
that mistake again.
I'm sorry, I'm
really sorry, guys.
- That's okay.
- Okay, um.
Upon retrieval of the power gem,
remember, before you
forget your loyalty,
you wouldn't prompt to
insist on remaining with me,
be sure, for your survival
of capturing of the power gem
to displace all demons.
I.
It says I have to
roll a four or higher.
Six.
We're in the
demon town now, man.
- We're paladins.
- I am sorry about before,
talking shit about this game,
but this is a really good game.
This is a really good game.
This is a really good game.
I'm serious, it's
a really good game,
it's a really good game, guys.
This is entirely a good game.
I, this is a really good game.
This is a really,
really, really good game.
- Wow.
How about that.
- The body of an
unidentified man
was found in the parking
lot of an office park
on the southeast side.
Sources say his face
was so badly beaten,
he will have to be
identified by fingerprints
or dental records.
Anyone with information is
asked to call silent observer.
- Go in Harmony, paladin.
And seek thine balance
of the gray lore
through the stone walls
of the paladin's new home.
As they begin to disappear,
shadows grew beyond the
gleam of the crystals,
descending on the chests
and shelves of books
within the table
of the gray lord.
Paladins debated ancient
philosophies, Grant...
- why do you always
misread the sacred book?
It's a form of disrespect.
What is wrong with you?
You're reading like a child.
- Dude, it's paladin.
- P-p-p-p-p-paladin, paladin.
T-t-t-t-treasure,
g-g-g-g-golden golden
c-c-c-crown, crown, crowns.
We have been playing
this for many days.
The least you could
do is show respect.
What kind of person are you?
Am I right?
- Are you...
- language.
- Dude, what the
fuck is your problem?
- You sound like a
drunken Bavarian ogre.
- We're just tryin' to
get along here, all right?
- It doesn't even matter,
it doesn't even matter.
Just continue r-r-r-reading.
- I respect this realm.
- Continue.
- I do.
- Continue.
- Don't tell me
what to do, okay?
- Please.
- Okay.
Paladin.
At the stone walls
of the paladin,
proceed to the inner circle.
Join thine brethren
paladin as you watch for
the wizard and his open arms.
Collect 100 gold piece.
Man.
There, okay?
- Where's my dice?
Where's my dice, my dice was
right here, now it's gone.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- What do you mean
you lost your dice?
You're so careless, man,
why do you always lose shit?
I mean, you take
enough time already,
you lose your way all
across the realms,
yet you still can't
hold onto anything,
and yet you claim that we
have no respect for this game?
- Okay, this is
what I mean by like
not respecting what
we're trying to do.
Why can't you be more prepared?
I mean...
- did you take it?
Did you take my dice?
- I have mine.
I've been holding onto it.
When I throw it down, I
find out where it goes,
count how many dots are
on it, and I grab it.
- And you claim yourself to
be a golden paladin warrior
and you can't even
remember where your dice is
and you have the audacity to
blame others in your own quest.
- Thick as thieves, you are.
- Look, you are slipping, man.
- I'm gonna ask you again.
Did you take my dice?
I am looking at you, not you.
You.
- No, man, what the fuck.
Come on.
Let's just be civilized here.
- Oh, false alarm.
Very sorry.
I am sorry, I am sorry.
I didn't mean to
accuse any of you.
You are not thieves, all
is right in the order.
The brotherhood.
Right?
Right?
Can we continue?
Oh, god.
As I approach the barbarian,
he drew himself up.
Listen, he shouts,
child of nature,
I have done my part.
I have practiced my skills.
I am the only
journeyman in this land.
The only way to get to
your first demon citadel
is by taking the path the left.
The path to the right, to the
frozen caverns of Morgash.
Roll a three, you take
the path on the right.
Roll a four, you take
the path on the left.
Would you like a dram?
- Do not lie to us, paladin.
Do not bring mistrust
within this group.
- You've reached the carpenters.
Leave a message after the tone
and we'll get back to
you as soon as possible.
Thank you.
- Hello, mother.
Hello, father.
I come bearing good news.
I'm now a member of
the knight's order.
A part of the brotherhood,
the golden paladins,
the chosen ones.
The chosen ones to vanquish
all evil from this realm.
This is my destiny.
I know you always
haven't been proud of me,
but finally, I found my way
in life, I found my light.
I go into battle tonight.
There is a good chance,
though, that I may not return.
If I do not return,
think better of me.
Think better of me, for
I have brought honor
to our family name.
I love you.
Look at me, foul demon.
- Dude, we're closed.
I'm just tryin' to finish up.
Dude, we're closing.
I just wanna go home.
Can you please leave?
We're closed, all right?
- Please decrease
your level of interest
from that metal chariot.
For I am one of the golden
paladins of the knight's order.
- Dude, what the fuck?
- A divine one.
- Hey dick, looks like
you got everything done
but the paperwork, again.
- I've come to slay thee,
foul demon of the apocalypse.
- What's this then?
- Fight me.
Fight me, you filth.
Fight me.
Fight me, if you're so bold.
- What's this?
- Some crazy fuckin'
pothead, I don't know.
- Well get him outta here.
- Dude, fuckin' leave.
- Are you ready to do
battle, foul demon?
Remove yourself from the
confines of your citadel
and approach me.
- You wanna fuckin' go?
- You're as cowardly
as you are ugly.
- Dude, keep going, I dare you.
Keep fucking going.
- You're as gutless
as your bitch mother
that gave birth to you
from the depths of Hades.
- What did you just say to me?
- Flee before me.
Flee back to oblivion to
suckle on your mother's teat.
- The fuck did you
say about my mother?
- Go back to oblivion to
suck on your mother's teat.
- I'll fuckin' kill you, dude.
- Prepare for combat.
- Police are
blaming the recent murders
on an insurgence of the
fantasy role-playing board game
13 demons.
The game was banned 30 years ago
due to excessively
violent murders
perpetrated by players
who were convinced they
were living in the game.
When questioned, the players
admitted to the murders,
stating they were slaying demons
in order to advance in the game.
Victims were killed by blunt
force trauma to the head.
One suspect stated, we must
strike them in the head
because demons have no hearts.
Police here on the
scene of a fatal beating
on the city's southeast side.
They found the body of
a man who had suffered
many blows to the head and body.
The suspect was covered
in what appeared to be
body armor made from
household items.
His femoral artery had
been severed in the attack
and bled to death at the scene.
When police arrived,
his last words
were about failing his mission.
An unidentified man was
found on the sidewalk
at 1205 first street.
Neighbors said they
heard a lot of yelling
and reported fighting
and shouting,
I kill ye demon, we are
the knights of the realm!
- Please release me
from this dungeon.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Release me from my bonds.
- No!
- I've had enough
of your insolence.
You'll suffer me
like I am a fool.
You are a fool for
keeping me here.
I am trapped when I
should be out there
saving your realms!
- You kill innocent
people, asshole!
- I will not waste my time
with your elven tribe.
- This person deserve to die?
- Yes.
- And this one?
- Yes.
- What about this one?
- Yes.
- So this one had to die?
- Yes.
- This guy.
- Indeed.
- And this one?
- Yes.
- This one?
- Yes.
- And that one?
- Yes.
- We got this guy.
- Yes.
- And this one.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- A five year old child!
- He was not a boy anymore.
He was at least a gremlin,
with wing boots of silver.
- Fasted demon I had seen
in all of the 26 realms.
- A five year old kid?
- We could not catch
one of these lightly,
this was a major victory,
this was a supreme triumph,
and you wave it in my
face as if it is nothing,
where I am saving your realm.
- You recognize him?
- Yes, he is my comrade.
Was.
- Do you know this guy?
- He is no friend of mine.
- So what were
you fighting over?
Girls, drugs?
Money?
Why do you wanna
kill your friend?
- He was my comrade, he is now
the final demon I must slay
to complete my mission.
Is he here?
- Well look, that's
none of your business.
That's our business.
- I sense he's here.
- Do you not understand?
His quest was impure.
- Damn straight, bitch.
- He's the last demon,
and I must kill him.
I must kill him.
- So he's number 13.
- Yes.
I would like to see him, please.
- No.
- Then at least let
me have my weapon.
- No.
- I besiege you, sir.
Give me my weapon.
- No!
- May I have my weapon, please?
- You can repeat yourself
till you get redder in
the face, motherfucker.
- Where is my weapon?
- Three
bodies were found overnight
in the city's southeast side.
They were all found
near their cars
and had suffered fatal
blows to the head.
Neighbors in the area are
scared to leave their houses.
Police believe these
murders are linked
to the board game killer.
- Family members gathered
waiting for any
news from the lead.
- The bodies
of a five year old boy
and his mother were
found early this morning
in Bakerswood.
I hear that they were
bludgeoned to death
with a large stick found nearby.
The police are getting closer
to locating the
killer or killers.
It's a parent's worst nightmare.
- Yield, yield!
Yield.
Yield.
Yield.
I just need rations
for my soldier.
- Very well, take your rest.
But at least show some
respect for this quest
and your weapon and sheathe it.
- You mock me.
With a head so clear.
No, your head is full of
rubyroot smoke, it is.
- I have been pure since
day one of this quest,
dear paladin brother.
- You have not been pure,
you have been touched by
the maiden's wizard sleeve.
- I am pure!
I have been pure since
day one of this quest.
Dare you challenge
the validity of this?
- Pure.
- Pure, as pure as
a paladin could be
that ever could be
and ever will be.
Need I remind you how
many demons I have slayed?
How many have you slain?
- Ah!
The realm knows no
dirtier soul than yours.
Cleanliness.
Nothing, you are a slob.
- Slander.
Absolute poppycock
and slander, dear sir.
How dare you!
You are weak, and here I
will be standing still,
ready to slay anything that
dares hinder me from my quest.
- Yes.
I see.
I see your judgment is clouded.
My brother, you just
see only what you want.
Clearly, I see it's only
a maiden's fair tale
but quest is in your mind.
Your quest is for
nothing, brother!
Oh, I see you finding
nothing in front of you
but a maiden's backside!
- As golden paladins,
as brothers,
we uphold this realm.
Only the purest and most worthy.
I take on this burden.
I ask you, sir.
How invested are you
in saving our world?
- I need no companions now.
- Where did you get that?
- Oh, I fetched this
from the valley of Mezer.
- Lies.
- Shall I use it
on you, brother?
- No.
You won't.
Would you make sure?
- Wherever did you
get that fine weapon?
- It was given to me by a hand.
From the golden
Vincine of Calstone.
- What a lie.
- Here it is before
your very eyes.
They lied to you.
- We shall settle
this in the realm.
- Very well.
Bear in mind, comrade,
should our paths cross tonight,
in the realm,
I will meet you with this.
I will catch you
and I will slay you.
- Fair enough, my brother.
If your mind is as
slow as your sword,
or your sword as dreadfully
slow as your mind,
I will not haste
to cut you in two.
For I am the chosen knight.
I am the regal golden paladin
of the vestiges of the realm.
Yes, we will see who we
will see, my brother.
Okay.
- May the kingdom
of the brotherhood
of the golden paladins unite.
- May the wind of
pan be at your back.
- May the soul of
inlay take you.
- As I began my spell, I
took the baron's daughter,
tally, and raised her
head for another blast
of her fiery breath.
Cadmont did not
even glance at her.
Only raised the hand holding
the Violet glowing dust
of my defensive spell
as if to remind her
that her effort was futile.
Suddenly, one strong
warrior rose forward
and launched his
mass brutal force
directly at the wizard in
a single desperate leap,
lunging, I struck the
outstretched hand.
Violet dust was
scattered on the air.
The wizard glared at me in fury,
his expression
flickering through
a gamut of emotions
in a split second,
anger, confusion,
amazement, shock,
as he realized he
had dropped the dust
of his defensive spell.
Fear as he saw the dragon
about to unleash her breath,
but I was sure that
the last thing I saw
stamped on the wizard's face
an instant before the
fire streamed down
was a look of acceptance
at the wizard's fate.
There was a long
moment of silence,
two burning bodies
lay on the ground.
Cadmont, and that of the
warrior who had dashed forward.
There had not been time to
flee the flames of the blast.
I got to my feet and went over
to the body of the comarade.
I and the remaining
warriors joined him.
His name is Akuli.
Roll a five or higher
to join alliances
with Cadmont's
army and to proceed
to the next demon citadel.
- As I pass on
through the forest,
I reach a high bank
formed by a ledge
of moss-covered rock.
Climbing down the
bank, I notice a cave
with a large Boulder
rolled across the entrance.
The Boulder has
been crudely hewn
to resemble an angry face
as if warning travelers to
stay away from this spot.
I turn, scanning the darkness
for signs of habitation,
a glimmer of light
catches my eyes
far off between the trees.
Roll a five or higher to
successfully push the Boulder.
If I roll the Boulder
aside to get into the cave,
I advance to the
next demon citadel.
- Your quest is for nothing!
- It is a game.
- It's not a game.
- This is a game.
- It is not a game!
- It's a game!
- It's not a game.
It's not a game!
It's not a game!
It's not a game!
- It's a game!
- It's not a game.
- It is not a game.
- You want to kill your friend.
And it's all because
of some fantasy game.
- It's not a game.
- It is a game.
- It's not a game.
- It is not a game.
It is not a game.
It is not a game.
- It is not a game.
It is not a game, it is not
a game, it is not a game.
- This is a game!
Your friends were
playing this game.
- It is not a game.
- But it is a game.
It's a game called 13 demons.
It came out 20 years ago.
- It's not a game.
- Tom Wilkins was also
one of your friends.
He was playing
this game with you.
- It is not a game.
- You killed 12 people,
including a five year old boy
in the last month.
It's all part of
some fantasy game.
- Oh spare me your
inconsistencies, fool.
I've told you all
that you need to know.
Now, release me from my bonds
or suffer the consequences,
and all of this will
be on your heads.
This blood.
- It's a game!
- Fools.
You're all mad.
Release me from my bonds,
bring me my weapon.
- No.
- Tell me he is close.
I must defeat him.
I must.
- This is a game,
it's all in your head.
This is all in your
head, none of it is real.
- No, bring me my weapon,
this has to be done,
this has to be seen through.
I must complete my mission.
- You are not on any mission.
- The sake of the
realm is at hand.
- You're confused, it's a game.
This is only a game.
- The very essence
of your presence
will be erased from history
unless you release me.
- But this is just
a fantasy game!
- It's not a game.
- It's just a game.
- It's not a game.
- It is a game.
- It's not a game.
- No, this is not a game.
This part isn't a game.
This is a game.
- It's not a game.
- This is game.
- It is not a game!
- This is a game!
- This is not a game!
- It's just a fucking game!
- It is not a game!
- It's a game, look you
fuckwad, this is a game!
- It's not a game!
- State your name.
State your name.
- Torkul of Darkhaven.
- Address?
- You may address
me as Abelsworth.
Lord of the high wind.
- Is that also known as
1205 Washington Lane?
- Surely you jest.
The realm of Darkhaven,
where we all reside.
- Do you take drugs?
- If you're trying
with your evil tricks
it will not work with me, sir.
- Come on man, we're not
gonna bust you for that.
You're not here for that.
Do you take drugs?
- Golden paladin needs no
mind-altering substances
to complete his quest.
- Do you take prescription
medications of any kind?
- I am not any of the clerics.
Mystical winds.
- Do you drink?
- Of course not, not when
my quest is still underway.
- What is your mission?
- To rid the realm of the
13 demons of the apocalypse.
May I go now?
- I am golden paladin
of the knight's order
of the high wind.
Once I have completed their
destruction and annihilation,
I will have freed the realm,
and I will have brought
peace to all man kind.
- Why 13?
- It's a sacred number
written down in the tomes.
It's taught through all of time.
- You know that we've had 12
murders in the last month?
- I do not care about murders.
If they are but of the
quest, they matter.
- And this is all
part of your mission?
- Yes, I must complete my quest.
- So when you say
demons, you mean humans?
- I've grown tired.
I've grown tired of
your questioning.
The demons are the ones
that have held us back.
- As foretold in the
tomes to bring forth
the end of everything is...
- what did you kill them with?
- I killed them with the
anointed dagger of Bastooge.
- You mean this?
A stick.
- My weapon, you have it.
May I have it back, please?
Sacred scimitar of Azcarden.
- Is this it?
A pipe.
- A pipe, you fool?
Your eyes look upon a
sacred relic all time
and you see a simple pipe?
- Please, I can see
you are a noble man,
I can see that in your eye.
Please give me my weapon.
I am on a divine quest.
- No.
- This the kind of men
you have in your kingdom?
- I understand little
of this inquiry.
Little of your
advantages towards me.
Why will you not release
me from this elven dungeon?
- Recognize this fella?
November 15.
Killed Dickie Collins.
- Yes.
He was the one who
welcomed us to this realm.
He set this all into motion.
- He was the Shepherd
of the high wind.
He brought us in.
- Before the prophecy,
as foretold in the tomes.
- He showed us the ways to
kill the demonic citadels.
- Why?
Why?
Challenge accepted.
- Hey guys.
Hey, you'll never guess what.
You'll never guess.
Shit, dude, I'm sorry man.
Look, no, no, no.
- God damn it, dude.
Challenge accepted.
- God damn it, man, I've
been playin' Bridges and
fuckin' knights for 12 hours.
God damn it, dude, fuck!
- Listen, listen.
- You know how
pristine I keep my set.
- All right, what is
so god damn important
you gotta come in
here kickin' shit?
I'm right in the middle of
gettin' to the reaper here,
I've never gotten that far,
this is dragon lair,
for god's sake,
you know what this
shit is like, come on!
- This is better.
- What the hell is this, dude?
- 13 demons.
I mean, you remember?
You don't remember,
the game, the game,
30 years ago it was banned.
People who played it, they
got so obsessed with it
they started killin'
other people and shit.
They actually thought that
they were these characters
in the game.
It was like dark ages, man.
I mean, they threw it
all on the streets, man.
They burned 'em and shit.
You don't remember this?
- I mean, rest assured, if
it was worth remembering,
I would remember it,
but I don't remember it.
- They don't even fuckin'
spell demons right.
- This is fucking rare,
man, this is huge!
I mean, check it out.
- This smells, man.
It's got a castle.
- Where did you get it?
- Argon's, argon's.
Old man argon, you know,
his bookstore's goin'
out of business.
You know Janet, you know, the
senile, his wife, you know?
- Oh.
- Isn't she like the one
with the wizard sleeve
and all that?
- Dude, she sold it to
me for like two bucks,
she doesn't know anything
about the dark
origin of this game.
I can't even believe that
old man argon even had this.
- 13 demons, dude.
I mean.
I mean, it sounds like a
throw back metal hair band
from 1984.
- This is die cast.
This shit's quality.
- Yeah, and where's the shoe?
- Take a look at
this crap now, man.
Look, it's heavy.
- Ooh.
- There was much rejoicing, yay!
I don't know, man.
- Dude, let me see that, man.
- What else is in there?
- Smells old.
Looks old.
Looks dumb.
And it's all moldy, it's not.
It's not even that old, dude.
Nah.
- Does it say made in Taiwan?
Oh.
That's some Jumanji shit.
- God damn.
- Ugh.
- Oh, what is that shit?
- It's the rule book.
- That's the rule book?
- You wanna play?
Um.
I think there's.
Wait a minute, hold on.
- Do you even know
where we start from?
- Well yeah, yeah, you can
start on any of the, um.
Uh, any of the, eh.
Wait no, wait hold
on one second.
Like reading this stuff,
it's like reading Beowulf,
you know, I mean.
Okay, so we are,
we're golden paladins,
we can start at any
corner in our realm.
- These are the realms.
- Yes, every four
corner, that's a realm.
So when we kill all of
our demons in our realm,
we can meet in the middle,
but we cannot enter
the citadel yet
where the king is imprisoned.
See, I mean, it's a lot easier
if we're playin' with four.
- So where do we
start from, though?
- You can start anywhere
here, I believe,
it's the closest gray
block from any corner,
you can pick, but it has
to be in your own domain.
- So we put these
little army men dude
on the triangle?
- These are forests.
- Well, what's up with
the triangles, then?
- Well, you can't
go through 'em.
- Why can't we go
through the forest?
- I don't now, it's just
like every game board,
they have to make it more
entertaining and stuff.
You know, it's like why are
there little Bridges here?
It's just to make it more
pleasurable, I guess.
So you go there, actually,
no you go right there
because you cannot be right
next to those red things.
- So what are the reds, then?
- Those are the demon bases.
- Demon base.
I heard some demon bass
on a track the other day.
It was sweet.
I don't like this, though.
That was more interesting, that.
- So, first off, we kill
each of those 13 demons
outside of any of the other
lollygagging that we do
through these events, through
the valley of whatever,
discontent, and yada yada yada.
- I know, it's like a
choose your own adventure.
- Then do we absorb
their souls or something?
Is this Tekken?
What are we doing?
- So this is how it works.
So here I am, I'm
on my orange circle,
it says you come
to dead druid pass.
You see many boulders that
is blocking your entrance
to the demon base.
- Demon base.
- Your only options
are to turn right...
- the fuck around.
- Look, I know these rules,
they're silly and everything,
but come on, we can at least say
that we're playing 13 demons.
The game that's banned,
that was burned.
Lives were.
You know what I mean?
It's like Everest.
You know, you gotta try it.
- I'm so confused, man.
- Whatever.
- No, I.
It has this odd aroma and
my olfactory's all screwy,
but it kinda smells like
this thing's been buried
under like burned leaves.
- I know, I know.
Yeah, it does stink a little.
I thought that, too.
- Okay, but I do
smell it, all right?
- Well it's an old game.
I mean this is the game our
grandfathers played with.
- Do you smell it?
Like more intensely than you
did like maybe two minutes ago?
- I got somethin' you
can smell intensely.
- No, that's.
- Is it getting stronger?
- Dude, yes.
- I mean, I don't
mind the smell.
- I don't know, dude.
Smell my fuckin', here.
- I like this better.
Oh, oh, shit.
- Yeah, no, that's.
- Fuck it, come on guys,
let's just play, man.
Let's just do one
step at a time,
and let's fuckin' play
man, let's do this.
Okay.
- Golden paladins
quickly approach
the miscellaneous
bookkeeper of Vesbin.
- You approach a
wounded minotaur
in the shrouds of Crell.
- A centurion guards the path.
You must fight the centurion.
- 30 crystalline water pieces.
- Golden paladin must
enter the Efrin wilderness.
- You approach two trolls
guarding the bridge.
- This don't make any sense.
- This is weird.
- I know, this game is so lousy.
- After taming the
shrewd beast of Borthank.
- They come across
burnt Willow tree,
currently still on fire.
- Retrieve five jubles
after the beggar Springs.
- The magical minstrel tells
you the parable of the sower.
- The blistered masses of buck?
- You've reached the forbidden
city of the mud people.
- You get the dagger of honor.
- This Ruby-encrusted Griffin.
- Flacid pilgrims of Glovert.
- The kind gentleman
gently offers you a voucher
at the drunken druid inn.
- He wonders if they are tired
and would like to
stay for the evening.
- Retrieve five liams against
the forkwill and wait.
- The blood bathers
captured the Duke's wife.
There is a bounty.
400 gold crowns.
- The Maxwolf of Freydor?
- To accept the
challenge, roll the die.
- Roll dice.
- I must slay you, you
three-titted harpee!
Oh, god.
Son of a bitch.
- I was waitin' on this one.
- I said that before, you
can't go through the trees.
- Am I doing this wrong?
- Apparently, you go
into another monster.
- No, we are the paladins.
We cannot join forces with a
monster, anything like that.
- Is that right, I don't know.
- I get why this is banned, man.
- Son of a bitch.
Fuck this game.
- The book smells way better
than the game though, man.
- Old burned book smell.
Like that one book where
they burn all the books.
- Burned leaves.
- It's like just like
fuckin' burned leaves, man.
Just like burned leaves.
- I'm kinda gettin' in
to this shit.
I think it's fun, right?
I told you.
- Aw, this game's ridiculous.
- It gets a little addicting.
- Dude, I got a six.
- Ha!
- That's what I'm
fuckin' talkin' about.
- There we go.
- Roll the die.
- You need to destroy the
doomsday clock, said the bard.
- You encounter the
prince of Athels.
- Four hundred gold
crowns goes to you.
- The morning star
of earthquakes.
- You encountered the
raging Rockman of Forthank.
- I won the shield of strength.
- The thunderquaker.
- Dude, the brass cummerbund.
- The unbreakable
Clay jar of Jarek.
- You will approach the
golden beetle chair.
- The old hag offers
you 40 krugers.
- The Baker's girl rewards
you with three sweet cakes.
- Entered into the
valley of horsemen.
- The maiden thanks you for
decimating the juggernaut.
- The chisel of Mangorge.
- You convert the crowns
into silver platinum togards.
- You just entered
into the grand gala
of the eagle silver man,
and the eagle silver woman.
- How long have we fuckin'
been playin' for, man?
- What time is it?
- Oh, about, two days,
it feels like.
- Hey, can I hit your
Basilisk, by the way.
- Yeah man, yeah.
- Thanks, man.
- Time flies when you're
having fun, right?
- I mean, we're close
to our demon bases, so.
Let's just play until that, man,
and we'll call it quits.
Let's just get
somewhere in this game.
Let's just complete a goal, so.
All right.
- All right, so.
- That's a five,
dude, that's good.
- About time.
- Ooh.
- You approach the demon's lair.
Hm.
- Read it, man.
- Yeah.
Demon is armed with a weapon.
Approach.
To be
enveloped in
embrace of your
paladin destiny.
- Too much
stuff and not enough cash?
Come to Greenville quick cash.
We buy and sell gold
jewelry, music, movies,
games, electronics,
tools, textbooks,
music equipment and more.
Be sure to check out our
couple's sexual wellness store,
full browse online
at xxxtoybox. Com
that's 3901 capitol
drive, on the corner
of Chicago drive and
Wilson in Centertown mall.
Also visit Cd DVD exchanges.
At the corner of 28th
street and east parish.
- Your news team is next.
Live, local, late-breaking news.
- A body was found
early this morning
in the alley behind
Doleman's market.
The man suffered a
fatal blow to the head
with a blunt object.
Police have no
leads at this time.
- I'm so troubled
that those people died.
- Where.
Where were we in this, is it?
We left off with you, right?
- Hm?
- No.
It's not yours, is it?
- Huh?
- You.
You got to the demon
base last night, right?
- Uh, that's right, I was.
I had to go across the pass.
- The pass.
Yeah dude, you were
on the citadel.
- Yeah, I got to the demon.
Yeah.
What the hell?
No, that one was
always that color?
- No, when's this
game from, like?
The 70s, yeah, man.
It's like a fuckin'
mood ring or some shit.
- When'd they make mood rings?
What year was that made?
- Same year as the
pet rock, dude.
- That's pretty
cool, though, man.
- Fuck yeah.
Hey boys, let's see what
else this thing does.
I mean, if it does that
shit without tellin' you,
let's see what else it does.
- All right, you're up, man.
- All right.
Congratulations,
golden paladin warrior.
Vanquishing your first demon.
Victory is well earned,
however your journey
is not yet complete.
To meet your fate, you must
first advance to the next quest.
You find yourself
standing on a hill
covered with scorched brush.
The trees
around you are black skeletons,
brown, shriveled skins dangling
where once the branches
dipped with red apples.
The sky's a sea of red,
choking with smoke.
Your village lay in ruin.
Demons chase young children
through the streets.
Sound of wailing fills the air.
You hear cracks like thunder.
Armies of demons riding
across the realm,
war, famine, pestilence,
tragedy, misery,
cut down your people
wherever you look.
Horrified, you raise
from your nightmare.
You fly past the ruined
trees of blasted earth
and heaven has opened up and
frozen with rain pelt you.
Winds strike at you and may
fight you like a feather.
Whoa, that's some heavy shit.
- Yeah.
- To advance,
you must roll a four or higher.
Roll to continue.
Fulfill your destiny.
- Fulfill that destiny.
- I'm gonna fulfill it.
- This is getting better, man.
- Oh.
Your turn.
- Oh, um.
You guys want a snort?
- Nah man, I'm good.
Let's just play the game.
- Okay, yeah.
Sure.
- Yeah, I'll have some.
- No man, no.
No, thanks, no.
Let's just play the game man.
Let's keep playing.
All right, all right?
Cool, all right.
Okay, um, so.
Paladins enter upon
the magic room.
The master speaks.
In my foolish enthusiasm I
blurted out the plans to you
while you were on
your way to collect
the henna rope from the
wise woman of the Viborg.
Viborg, or Viborg.
Viborg.
I'm really sorry,
I'm sorry, that was.
That was uncalled for.
Viborg.
I didn't mean to
mispronounce it.
Can we continue?
- Yeah.
Okay.
- I won't make
that mistake again.
I'm sorry, I'm
really sorry, guys.
- That's okay.
- Okay, um.
Upon retrieval of the power gem,
remember, before you
forget your loyalty,
you wouldn't prompt to
insist on remaining with me,
be sure, for your survival
of capturing of the power gem
to displace all demons.
I.
It says I have to
roll a four or higher.
Six.
We're in the
demon town now, man.
- We're paladins.
- I am sorry about before,
talking shit about this game,
but this is a really good game.
This is a really good game.
This is a really good game.
I'm serious, it's
a really good game,
it's a really good game, guys.
This is entirely a good game.
I, this is a really good game.
This is a really,
really, really good game.
- Wow.
How about that.
- The body of an
unidentified man
was found in the parking
lot of an office park
on the southeast side.
Sources say his face
was so badly beaten,
he will have to be
identified by fingerprints
or dental records.
Anyone with information is
asked to call silent observer.
- Go in Harmony, paladin.
And seek thine balance
of the gray lore
through the stone walls
of the paladin's new home.
As they begin to disappear,
shadows grew beyond the
gleam of the crystals,
descending on the chests
and shelves of books
within the table
of the gray lord.
Paladins debated ancient
philosophies, Grant...
- why do you always
misread the sacred book?
It's a form of disrespect.
What is wrong with you?
You're reading like a child.
- Dude, it's paladin.
- P-p-p-p-p-paladin, paladin.
T-t-t-t-treasure,
g-g-g-g-golden golden
c-c-c-crown, crown, crowns.
We have been playing
this for many days.
The least you could
do is show respect.
What kind of person are you?
Am I right?
- Are you...
- language.
- Dude, what the
fuck is your problem?
- You sound like a
drunken Bavarian ogre.
- We're just tryin' to
get along here, all right?
- It doesn't even matter,
it doesn't even matter.
Just continue r-r-r-reading.
- I respect this realm.
- Continue.
- I do.
- Continue.
- Don't tell me
what to do, okay?
- Please.
- Okay.
Paladin.
At the stone walls
of the paladin,
proceed to the inner circle.
Join thine brethren
paladin as you watch for
the wizard and his open arms.
Collect 100 gold piece.
Man.
There, okay?
- Where's my dice?
Where's my dice, my dice was
right here, now it's gone.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- What do you mean
you lost your dice?
You're so careless, man,
why do you always lose shit?
I mean, you take
enough time already,
you lose your way all
across the realms,
yet you still can't
hold onto anything,
and yet you claim that we
have no respect for this game?
- Okay, this is
what I mean by like
not respecting what
we're trying to do.
Why can't you be more prepared?
I mean...
- did you take it?
Did you take my dice?
- I have mine.
I've been holding onto it.
When I throw it down, I
find out where it goes,
count how many dots are
on it, and I grab it.
- And you claim yourself to
be a golden paladin warrior
and you can't even
remember where your dice is
and you have the audacity to
blame others in your own quest.
- Thick as thieves, you are.
- Look, you are slipping, man.
- I'm gonna ask you again.
Did you take my dice?
I am looking at you, not you.
You.
- No, man, what the fuck.
Come on.
Let's just be civilized here.
- Oh, false alarm.
Very sorry.
I am sorry, I am sorry.
I didn't mean to
accuse any of you.
You are not thieves, all
is right in the order.
The brotherhood.
Right?
Right?
Can we continue?
Oh, god.
As I approach the barbarian,
he drew himself up.
Listen, he shouts,
child of nature,
I have done my part.
I have practiced my skills.
I am the only
journeyman in this land.
The only way to get to
your first demon citadel
is by taking the path the left.
The path to the right, to the
frozen caverns of Morgash.
Roll a three, you take
the path on the right.
Roll a four, you take
the path on the left.
Would you like a dram?
- Do not lie to us, paladin.
Do not bring mistrust
within this group.
- You've reached the carpenters.
Leave a message after the tone
and we'll get back to
you as soon as possible.
Thank you.
- Hello, mother.
Hello, father.
I come bearing good news.
I'm now a member of
the knight's order.
A part of the brotherhood,
the golden paladins,
the chosen ones.
The chosen ones to vanquish
all evil from this realm.
This is my destiny.
I know you always
haven't been proud of me,
but finally, I found my way
in life, I found my light.
I go into battle tonight.
There is a good chance,
though, that I may not return.
If I do not return,
think better of me.
Think better of me, for
I have brought honor
to our family name.
I love you.
Look at me, foul demon.
- Dude, we're closed.
I'm just tryin' to finish up.
Dude, we're closing.
I just wanna go home.
Can you please leave?
We're closed, all right?
- Please decrease
your level of interest
from that metal chariot.
For I am one of the golden
paladins of the knight's order.
- Dude, what the fuck?
- A divine one.
- Hey dick, looks like
you got everything done
but the paperwork, again.
- I've come to slay thee,
foul demon of the apocalypse.
- What's this then?
- Fight me.
Fight me, you filth.
Fight me.
Fight me, if you're so bold.
- What's this?
- Some crazy fuckin'
pothead, I don't know.
- Well get him outta here.
- Dude, fuckin' leave.
- Are you ready to do
battle, foul demon?
Remove yourself from the
confines of your citadel
and approach me.
- You wanna fuckin' go?
- You're as cowardly
as you are ugly.
- Dude, keep going, I dare you.
Keep fucking going.
- You're as gutless
as your bitch mother
that gave birth to you
from the depths of Hades.
- What did you just say to me?
- Flee before me.
Flee back to oblivion to
suckle on your mother's teat.
- The fuck did you
say about my mother?
- Go back to oblivion to
suck on your mother's teat.
- I'll fuckin' kill you, dude.
- Prepare for combat.
- Police are
blaming the recent murders
on an insurgence of the
fantasy role-playing board game
13 demons.
The game was banned 30 years ago
due to excessively
violent murders
perpetrated by players
who were convinced they
were living in the game.
When questioned, the players
admitted to the murders,
stating they were slaying demons
in order to advance in the game.
Victims were killed by blunt
force trauma to the head.
One suspect stated, we must
strike them in the head
because demons have no hearts.
Police here on the
scene of a fatal beating
on the city's southeast side.
They found the body of
a man who had suffered
many blows to the head and body.
The suspect was covered
in what appeared to be
body armor made from
household items.
His femoral artery had
been severed in the attack
and bled to death at the scene.
When police arrived,
his last words
were about failing his mission.
An unidentified man was
found on the sidewalk
at 1205 first street.
Neighbors said they
heard a lot of yelling
and reported fighting
and shouting,
I kill ye demon, we are
the knights of the realm!
- Please release me
from this dungeon.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Release me from my bonds.
- No!
- I've had enough
of your insolence.
You'll suffer me
like I am a fool.
You are a fool for
keeping me here.
I am trapped when I
should be out there
saving your realms!
- You kill innocent
people, asshole!
- I will not waste my time
with your elven tribe.
- This person deserve to die?
- Yes.
- And this one?
- Yes.
- What about this one?
- Yes.
- So this one had to die?
- Yes.
- This guy.
- Indeed.
- And this one?
- Yes.
- This one?
- Yes.
- And that one?
- Yes.
- We got this guy.
- Yes.
- And this one.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- A five year old child!
- He was not a boy anymore.
He was at least a gremlin,
with wing boots of silver.
- Fasted demon I had seen
in all of the 26 realms.
- A five year old kid?
- We could not catch
one of these lightly,
this was a major victory,
this was a supreme triumph,
and you wave it in my
face as if it is nothing,
where I am saving your realm.
- You recognize him?
- Yes, he is my comrade.
Was.
- Do you know this guy?
- He is no friend of mine.
- So what were
you fighting over?
Girls, drugs?
Money?
Why do you wanna
kill your friend?
- He was my comrade, he is now
the final demon I must slay
to complete my mission.
Is he here?
- Well look, that's
none of your business.
That's our business.
- I sense he's here.
- Do you not understand?
His quest was impure.
- Damn straight, bitch.
- He's the last demon,
and I must kill him.
I must kill him.
- So he's number 13.
- Yes.
I would like to see him, please.
- No.
- Then at least let
me have my weapon.
- No.
- I besiege you, sir.
Give me my weapon.
- No!
- May I have my weapon, please?
- You can repeat yourself
till you get redder in
the face, motherfucker.
- Where is my weapon?
- Three
bodies were found overnight
in the city's southeast side.
They were all found
near their cars
and had suffered fatal
blows to the head.
Neighbors in the area are
scared to leave their houses.
Police believe these
murders are linked
to the board game killer.
- Family members gathered
waiting for any
news from the lead.
- The bodies
of a five year old boy
and his mother were
found early this morning
in Bakerswood.
I hear that they were
bludgeoned to death
with a large stick found nearby.
The police are getting closer
to locating the
killer or killers.
It's a parent's worst nightmare.
- Yield, yield!
Yield.
Yield.
Yield.
I just need rations
for my soldier.
- Very well, take your rest.
But at least show some
respect for this quest
and your weapon and sheathe it.
- You mock me.
With a head so clear.
No, your head is full of
rubyroot smoke, it is.
- I have been pure since
day one of this quest,
dear paladin brother.
- You have not been pure,
you have been touched by
the maiden's wizard sleeve.
- I am pure!
I have been pure since
day one of this quest.
Dare you challenge
the validity of this?
- Pure.
- Pure, as pure as
a paladin could be
that ever could be
and ever will be.
Need I remind you how
many demons I have slayed?
How many have you slain?
- Ah!
The realm knows no
dirtier soul than yours.
Cleanliness.
Nothing, you are a slob.
- Slander.
Absolute poppycock
and slander, dear sir.
How dare you!
You are weak, and here I
will be standing still,
ready to slay anything that
dares hinder me from my quest.
- Yes.
I see.
I see your judgment is clouded.
My brother, you just
see only what you want.
Clearly, I see it's only
a maiden's fair tale
but quest is in your mind.
Your quest is for
nothing, brother!
Oh, I see you finding
nothing in front of you
but a maiden's backside!
- As golden paladins,
as brothers,
we uphold this realm.
Only the purest and most worthy.
I take on this burden.
I ask you, sir.
How invested are you
in saving our world?
- I need no companions now.
- Where did you get that?
- Oh, I fetched this
from the valley of Mezer.
- Lies.
- Shall I use it
on you, brother?
- No.
You won't.
Would you make sure?
- Wherever did you
get that fine weapon?
- It was given to me by a hand.
From the golden
Vincine of Calstone.
- What a lie.
- Here it is before
your very eyes.
They lied to you.
- We shall settle
this in the realm.
- Very well.
Bear in mind, comrade,
should our paths cross tonight,
in the realm,
I will meet you with this.
I will catch you
and I will slay you.
- Fair enough, my brother.
If your mind is as
slow as your sword,
or your sword as dreadfully
slow as your mind,
I will not haste
to cut you in two.
For I am the chosen knight.
I am the regal golden paladin
of the vestiges of the realm.
Yes, we will see who we
will see, my brother.
Okay.
- May the kingdom
of the brotherhood
of the golden paladins unite.
- May the wind of
pan be at your back.
- May the soul of
inlay take you.
- As I began my spell, I
took the baron's daughter,
tally, and raised her
head for another blast
of her fiery breath.
Cadmont did not
even glance at her.
Only raised the hand holding
the Violet glowing dust
of my defensive spell
as if to remind her
that her effort was futile.
Suddenly, one strong
warrior rose forward
and launched his
mass brutal force
directly at the wizard in
a single desperate leap,
lunging, I struck the
outstretched hand.
Violet dust was
scattered on the air.
The wizard glared at me in fury,
his expression
flickering through
a gamut of emotions
in a split second,
anger, confusion,
amazement, shock,
as he realized he
had dropped the dust
of his defensive spell.
Fear as he saw the dragon
about to unleash her breath,
but I was sure that
the last thing I saw
stamped on the wizard's face
an instant before the
fire streamed down
was a look of acceptance
at the wizard's fate.
There was a long
moment of silence,
two burning bodies
lay on the ground.
Cadmont, and that of the
warrior who had dashed forward.
There had not been time to
flee the flames of the blast.
I got to my feet and went over
to the body of the comarade.
I and the remaining
warriors joined him.
His name is Akuli.
Roll a five or higher
to join alliances
with Cadmont's
army and to proceed
to the next demon citadel.
- As I pass on
through the forest,
I reach a high bank
formed by a ledge
of moss-covered rock.
Climbing down the
bank, I notice a cave
with a large Boulder
rolled across the entrance.
The Boulder has
been crudely hewn
to resemble an angry face
as if warning travelers to
stay away from this spot.
I turn, scanning the darkness
for signs of habitation,
a glimmer of light
catches my eyes
far off between the trees.
Roll a five or higher to
successfully push the Boulder.
If I roll the Boulder
aside to get into the cave,
I advance to the
next demon citadel.
- Your quest is for nothing!
- It is a game.
- It's not a game.
- This is a game.
- It is not a game!
- It's a game!
- It's not a game.
It's not a game!
It's not a game!
It's not a game!
- It's a game!
- It's not a game.
- It is not a game.
- You want to kill your friend.
And it's all because
of some fantasy game.
- It's not a game.
- It is a game.
- It's not a game.
- It is not a game.
It is not a game.
It is not a game.
- It is not a game.
It is not a game, it is not
a game, it is not a game.
- This is a game!
Your friends were
playing this game.
- It is not a game.
- But it is a game.
It's a game called 13 demons.
It came out 20 years ago.
- It's not a game.
- Tom Wilkins was also
one of your friends.
He was playing
this game with you.
- It is not a game.
- You killed 12 people,
including a five year old boy
in the last month.
It's all part of
some fantasy game.
- Oh spare me your
inconsistencies, fool.
I've told you all
that you need to know.
Now, release me from my bonds
or suffer the consequences,
and all of this will
be on your heads.
This blood.
- It's a game!
- Fools.
You're all mad.
Release me from my bonds,
bring me my weapon.
- No.
- Tell me he is close.
I must defeat him.
I must.
- This is a game,
it's all in your head.
This is all in your
head, none of it is real.
- No, bring me my weapon,
this has to be done,
this has to be seen through.
I must complete my mission.
- You are not on any mission.
- The sake of the
realm is at hand.
- You're confused, it's a game.
This is only a game.
- The very essence
of your presence
will be erased from history
unless you release me.
- But this is just
a fantasy game!
- It's not a game.
- It's just a game.
- It's not a game.
- It is a game.
- It's not a game.
- No, this is not a game.
This part isn't a game.
This is a game.
- It's not a game.
- This is game.
- It is not a game!
- This is a game!
- This is not a game!
- It's just a fucking game!
- It is not a game!
- It's a game, look you
fuckwad, this is a game!
- It's not a game!