29 to Life (2018) Movie Script
1
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Stay up
("STAY UP" BY TONEZ THE PRINCE)
I woke up this mornin'
Feel good, feel flawless
Good vibes, I'm on it
I don't do what they say
I do what I wanna
Shout out to my ego
'Cause it keep it
flyer than an eagle
You can grow up and have it
all right in front of you
Money show up and lose
it all, what you gonna do
Oh
And they act like they
know how it feels, yeah
They don't know like
I know, like I know
And when it all goes bad
to the left, to the left
And when it all goes
bad to the right, hey
Uno, uno, dos, tres
Everything's gonna be o-kay
Though life could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember that you're
livin', stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up, don't
you stay down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Go for your dreams, you
will only get closer
One door may close
but another will open
Don't you be sad, get that
dirt off your shoulder
If you believe in it,
you can move boulders
And they act like they
know how it feels, yeah
Here's your shit.
Can't we talk about this?
Talk about what?
The fact that you're a loser
and you're always
going to be a loser?
Well, we could do that,
but I don't wanna make the
conversation all about me.
Everything is
always a joke to you.
Can't you take anything serious?
I'm serious about
us, about you.
Doesn't that count?
Come on, let's go back
inside and talk about this.
When we met, you told
me you were a chef.
I thought you were going places.
Come to find out, you live
at home with your parents
and you don't even have a job.
Well, I can get
a job if I want to.
I'm just waiting
for the right one.
Wait, is this what
this is all about?
That's what'll make you happy?
Oh my god, I will go out
and get a job right now.
Face it, Barnaby, you're
never going to change.
You're always going to be a bum
who lives at home
with mom and dad,
and I'm not going to waste
another second of my life
in a relationship
with a failed cook.
You take that back.
I'm a chef.
No, you're a cook.
Do you even know
what the difference
between a chef and a cook is?
'Cause I'm pretty sure a cook
wouldn't have a culinary degree.
Goodbye Barnaby.
And I'm pretty sure a cook
wouldn't have a
badass set of knives.
Well, maybe he would,
but he wouldn't have a badass
set of knives like this.
Where are my knives?
(THUD)
Ah!
What, are you psycho?
Who throws knives at people?
What if one of 'em had come
out and hit me in the face?
You know what, I'm
glad we're breaking up
'cause you're obviously crazy.
I'm sorry babe, I
didn't mean that.
You're not crazy.
Maybe just a little, but
that's why I love you.
Really?
You're not gonna give me
back my autographed football?
Do you have any idea how long
it took me to forge
those signatures?
(THUD)
Oh!
Would you stop throwing
stuff at my face?
And don't bother calling.
I'm changing my number.
And one more thing,
I've always hated your cooking.
They don't know like
I know, like I know
Though life could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember, remember that
you're livin', stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
(KNOCKING)
Aight
They don't know, they don't
know how it feels, yeah
Dear Barnaby, your
father and I have decided
it's time for you to do
something with your life.
(SPEAKING FAINTLY)
Is this some kind of a joke?
Come on, Dad, I
know you're home.
I can see you
through the window.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(WHISTLING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
("OUT OF MY MIND"
BY TRIN MONSTA)
Outta my mind
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm outta my mind
Yes sir, I'm outta my mind
I agree, I'm outta my mind
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm outta my mind
I agree, I'm outta my mind
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm out
(DOOR CLOSES)
(OCEAN WAVES)
(GENTLE UKULELE MUSIC)
I am livin' out of my car
And my life won't go too far
My girlfriend broke
up with me, so
I am sittin' here all alone
(BAG RUSTLING)
(SIGHS)
(BAG RUSTLING)
(EXHALES)
They don't know like
I know, like I know
Though life could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember that you're livin'
Stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Aight
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Oh, no, oh!
Aight
They don't know, they
don't how it feels, yeah
They don't know like
I know, like I know
(EXHALING)
(KIDS YELLING)
[WILL] Hey, old man,
wanna play a game of pig?
Are you talkin' to me?
I don't see any other senior
citizens playing basketball.
Do you?
Are you sure you
can play basketball?
I don't what you dyin' on
me from a heart attack.
And I don't want you to fall
over and dislocate your hip.
Ooh, good one.
Haven't heard that
a million times.
Well, I don't want
ya to take a break
midway through the game
and go get a cheeseburger.
And I don't want you to
cheat while we're playing
and fart dust in my eyes.
This is gettin' old,
are we gonna play or not?
Fine, but I get ball first.
Before I sink this, 20
bucks says I beat you.
Fine, you wanna
bet on the game?
Let's make it 40 then.
Fine with me.
You got 40 bucks on ya?
[WILL] Sure do, do you?
Of course I do.
What do I look like, a kid?
All right then, game on.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Aw, that's too bad.
Someone's got a P
Check it out kid,
my eyes closed.
[BARNABY] Easy shot.
Look who else has a P.
Looks like we're all tied up.
So?
We both know you're gonna
miss this next shot.
What was that about me
missin' the next shot?
Don't tell me you're nervous.
That's 40 bucks, pay up.
20...
Nice doin' business
with ya, old timer.
Whatever, just don't
spend it all on one meal.
Buy some vegetables.
They don't know like
I know, like I know
Though like could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember, remember that
you're livin', stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Aight
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Aight
They don't know, they
don't know how it feels
Things just keep
gettin' better and better.
("GOOD TIME" BY MYNOR
G FT. ADRIAN CRUSH)
Woo
Mynor G
(LAUGHS)
A-G
Let's have a good time now
Oh oh, oh oh
Uh uh
Oh oh, oh oh
Yeah
I've been havin' a
bad day all week, man
One.
Two, three.
6:00 a.m. in the morning
13, 14.
Alarm goes on, turn it
off 'cause it's annoyin'
$15.
Where I left off in my dream
Donald Trump was my slave
And I was treated
like a king
Uh uh
But I just can't go back
I toss and I turn but
I just can't go back
So, I stood up on my feet
And I grabbed a bite to eat
Put on clothes,
grab a sweater
Mama, later, I'm out
So peace out, Ma
So, I got this good feelin'
Good weather, good times
Time to be chillin'
I just need some
time killing
And a girl to be willing
To have fun for one night
Before them legs
begin splittin'
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Roll it up, drink it
up until the sun rise
Feelin' good, got a
bad chick on my side
Party up, oh, oh
Let's have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Roll it up, drink it up,
let's have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Roll it up, drink it
up until the sun rise
Feeling good, got a
bad chick on my side
Roll it up, drink it up,
let's have a good time
(GROANS)
I'm so hungry.
I'll bet they'll
have food there.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC)
[NOAH] Barnaby?
Barnaby, is that you?
(SIGHS)
Actually, it's Arnie.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait,
are you livin' out of your car?
Why would you think that?
Dude, aw dude,
no, check this out.
He's livin' out of his car.
It's Arnie, and I never said
I was living out of my car.
[CHRIS] Damn
bro, what happened?
It's none of your business.
Well look, Noah and I are
insurance brokers downtown now.
Yeah, nothin' too fancy
though, corner office.
[CHRIS] Six-figure salary.
We get to go home
to an actual home.
But hey, you know what,
Barnaby, you're livin' the life.
Yeah, no commitments,
nothin' to tie ya down.
And at least you
get to travel, right?
(LAUGHING)
Really, six figures?
Yeah man, six figures.
Just so you know, when
people make six figures,
they don't count the
numbers after the decimal,
and insurance brokers,
wow, I'm impressed.
(SLOW CLAPPING)
So what, they had
like an internship
for special ed graduates
or did they wanna diversify
the sexual orientation,
so they hired your two homos?
Hey, hey, hey.
Relax man, he's not worth it.
We're not gay.
When you're ready
to tie the knot,
I know the perfect
wedding planner.
[CHRIS] No, screw you.
I appreciate the
offer, but no thanks.
You know what, enjoy
sleepin' in your car tonight,
Barnaby.
Hey Gisele, does Tom Brady
know you're cheatin' on
him with Forest Whitaker?
(UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC)
Arnie, is that you?
Madison?
(GIGGLES)
How have you been?
Did you just get here?
Actually, I was just leaving.
Oh, me too.
Really, didn't it just start.
Yeah, but I wasn't
really feeling the DJ, so.
Yeah, me too, he was terrible.
It was actually a woman DJ.
Wait, did you not go inside?
No, well, I was going to,
but then I ran into
Noah and Chris,
and I forgot that they
have crushes on me,
so I didn't want to
awkwardly deal with them
making passes at me all night.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Oh, I'm in the process
of moving right now.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, my last two
roommates were real dicks.
Plus, you know, they're old
and they were always
tellin' me what to do.
You know, besides, I
thought my girlfriend
would take me more seriously
if I lived on my own.
Y-you have a girlfriend?
Well, I had one,
but I feel that
we'll get back together
once I get my own place.
Oh, I see.
Well, I-I hope it works
out between the two of you.
Yeah, I hope so too.
Well, uh, I have to get going,
but maybe we can chat some
more over coffee sometime?
Yeah, that-that'd be great.
[MADISON] Okay.
Oh, I'm on Facebook.
Oh, I actually
don't have Facebook.
What, why?
Uh, I was always getting
friend requests from weirdos
and like people poking me
and that porn that was
popping up on my timeline.
I know, right?
It's like, what, this hot
chick wants to be my friend,
and then you click
on her profile
and you see her account
was made yesterday,
and the porn, it's
like, whoa bro,
I got enough porn
on other sites,
I don't need it on Facebook.
Then you're at work or
a kid's birthday party
scrollin' through your
Facebook feed bored as hell,
and then bam, big ol' P in a
V. It's like, bing, bing, bing,
and then all of a sudden, your
boss or a little kid sees it.
Before you know it, you're
sittin' front row center
at your own intervention.
People are cryin' because
your sex addiction's
hurtin' everyone, and yeah.
Yeah.
So, how we gonna
stay in touch?
Uh, the old-fashioned way.
What, writin' letters?
(CHUCKLES)
No, give me your hand.
(RUMMAGES)
Oh-oh.
On the phone, smart.
Letters are way too slow.
I know.
Well, uh, actually
have to get going,
but see you soon, yeah?
Yeah.
(GRUMBLING)
Ah.
Yeah.
Yeah, all you can eat.
All you can eat, yeah.
(GRUMBLING)
(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)
(CANS CLANGING)
(CANS CLANGING)
Hey, get back here!
Dear Barnaby, your
dad and I figured
you'd spend all the money
we gave you by now on junk,
so here's a little
more to get you by.
P.S. this is the last
money we're giving you.
P.P.S. the P.S. was your
dad again, love mom and dad.
(KNOCKING)
Go away, nobody's home.
[MOM] Come on, Henry, can't
we just see if he's okay.
[DAD] You're
always babying him.
This is why he is the way he is.
[MOM] What if he's hurt?
[DAD] Oh, he's
fine, now come on.
Love you too.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Ugh!
Uh!
(HUMMING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Hm.
This is quite the impressive
resume you have here, Barnaby.
Please, call me Arnie.
All right, Arnie.
This is quite the
impressive resume.
Thank you, sir.
On thing though, it says here
you were a game developer
for Atari from 1980 to '84.
Exactly how old are you?
It says 1980 on there?
[OFFICE MANAGER]
That's correct.
Uh, just a second, 30, 34,
42, 43, I'm 44.
Wow, really, you don't
look a day over 29.
Well, unfortunately, you're-
you're a bit
overqualified for the job,
but thank you for coming in.
Let me just cross off
a few of these here.
Uh, huh.
(MUMBLES)
And there we go.
I think you'll find
I'm just the right
amount of qualified now.
I like your style,
but I'm afraid someone with
your amount of experience
would just get bored.
But I'll keep your
resume on file,
and if something should come
up, I'll give you a call.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
It says that
you were on a team
that developed a
vaccine for SARS?
Is that what it says?
Uh, yup, right there.
Yeah.
Well then, yes, I
was on that team.
Mm-hmm, it was a
lotta long days,
about five of them to be exact.
Wait, you cured
SARS in five days?
That's what I just said.
You know, I remember
the day I cured SARS.
I was like, guys,
I think I got it.
I think I got the cure.
And they were like, no way,
and I was like, yes way,
and then I showed them the
cure, and they were like, nice,
except for Jessica, she
was a little jealous,
so she was like, psh, whatever.
Anyway, we went out in public,
then started stickin'
needles in people
and just like that,
SARS is cured.
Just like that.
Yeah, just like that.
So, you just went out
and started sticking
needles in people?
Um, yeah, I mean, how do
you think people get vaccines?
(LAUGHS)
Um, I don't know,
doctors' appointments.
Oh yeah, well,
you could do that,
but SARS was spreading fast,
and we were under
emergency protocol.
Right.
Um, I'm actually gonna have
to get back to you on the job,
um, but you don't mind if I
hang onto your resume, do you?
So, I can show everyone.
I mean, it's not every
day the guy who cured SARS
comes into your work, right?
Yeah.
It's cool, I have copies.
(BEEPING)
Wish I had a life of my own
("WISH I HAD A LIFE"
BY WHISKEY GLASS EYE)
Livin' through the
people I see on TV
There's always somethin'
better where they are
And I can't see reverse
but still I seen so far
(KNOCKING)
Yeah, I don't care!
I'm gonna leave the toilet
seat up if I want to, Sharon!
Yes?
I'm here about the job.
I saw in the paper
you're hiring.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Do you know how to
rake and bag leaves?
Huh, doesn't everyone?
Can you start today?
Today?
I mean, tomorrow's
actually better.
Today's good, I can do today.
All right, here.
This is the address.
(SCRIBBLING)
Be there in one hour
and change your clothes.
Sharon, for the last time, I
don't know whose urine that is!
All right, what I need you to do
is to rake and bag this whole
entire section of the park.
Can you do that?
That's gonna take forever.
Well, it looks like you
better get started then, huh?
Why don't I do just
a small area today,
like that parkin' lot?
That's a parkin' lot!
It has no grass on it!
Well, there's a little
grass right there,
and then I'll do
the rest tomorrow.
No, what I need you
to do is to rake and bag
this section of the park.
Take this, I gotta take a piss.
(MUMBLING)
Well, this is just stupid.
Well, he never said nothin'
about not takin' a break.
(SNICKERING)
Hey, hey, wake up.
Wake up, time to go.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Oh, before you go, don't
leave without your pay.
This is a dollar,
I was here all day.
Uh huh, you earned every cent
of it, sleepin' on the job!
What time do we
start tomorrow?
You don't start tomorrow.
We got tomorrow off?
No, we don't got tomorrow off.
You don't work for me anymore!
You're fired!
You can't fire
me, dude, I quit.
Cool.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
[MADISON] Hey.
[BARNABY] Hey.
[MADISON] So,
what are you up to?
[BARNABY] You know,
just lookin' for a job.
Is that your resume?
Yeah.
[MADISON] Can I see it?
Sure.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
You've seriously been
applying to jobs with this?
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Everything on here's made up.
Well, so?
Every-Everyone makes up
somethin' on their resume.
Yeah, but when they do,
they make sure it
sounds plausible.
It says here you're a crash
test dummy for three years,
an Olympic torch holder,
a henchman, which even
if that were a real job,
I don't know why you would
put that on an application.
Why not?
A professor at Oxnard, a
Knight of the Round Table,
and a professional Rock
'Em Sock 'Em Robot fighter,
whatever that is.
Oh, it's that game
where you try and
knock the other
robot's head off.
Whatever, were you like
three when you wrote this?
If by three you mean
yesterday, then yes.
The only job on here that
sounds even remotely real
is the chef job at the
mom and pop restaurant.
Well, that's because
I actually did that,
for a few years actually.
And what happened?
They fired me
for putting strawberries
on pancakes.
They're like, Arnie,
we're not runnin' a
five-star restaurant here.
They fired you just for that?
Well, that and when
they told me not to,
I started to put
strawberries on everything,
cheeseburgers, chicken
strips, homeless people,
small children, you name it,
I put strawberries on it,
so technically, that's probably
the real reason they fired me.
Got it.
So, why haven't you tried to
look for another cooking job.
I mean, being a chef somewhere
sounds like kind of a big deal.
I don't know, it's just
not what I thought it'd be.
Do you have any
idea what it's like
to have a culinary degree and
then end up working at a place
where the fanciest
thing on the menu
is a grilled cheese and ham?
It's terrible.
Yeah, sounds like
a total nightmare.
I'm being serious.
I went to school with dreams
of doing amazing things,
making food that
looked like art,
being on the cover of one of
those stupid chef magazines,
and now I don't even
have a place to stay.
You're living out of your car?
Yeah.
Kind of already knew.
Really?
(SIGHS)
Well, when Chris and Noah
entered the gymnasium
for our reunion,
they yelled out, Barnaby's
living out of his car!
So, most of our
graduating class knows.
Well, this has been the
most emotional week ever.
First, my girlfriend dumps
me, my parents kick me out,
they don't even
tell me to my face,
they just put all
my stuff in a box
and wrote me this letter.
Barnaby's bucket list.
[BARNABY] That's
the wrong letter.
One, get past
level one on Pac-Man.
(CHUCKLES)
Two, hold my breath under
water for 30 seconds.
Three, stay in a hotel room
with no parents and jump on bed.
Wow, these are quite ambitious.
For your information,
I have completed
everything on that list.
Well, except for jumpin'
on the hotel bed,
but I mean, who's gonna rent
a hotel room to a kid, right?
And yes, I'd say
for a 17-year-old,
that is extremely ambitious.
You were 17 when
you wrote this?
No, you dork,
I was like eight.
Here's the real letter.
Hold on.
Yeah, this is, this
is the right one.
Dear Barnaby, your
father and I have decided
it's time for you to do
something with your life,
and so, we're kicking you out.
I wanted to tell you in
person, but your father said
I would never go
through with it if I did
and end up letting you stay.
Sorry for putting all
your stuff outside,
but it had to be done.
P.S. no, we won't cosign
for you to get an apartment.
P.P.S. that was your dad
that wrote the first P.S.
Of course, we'll cosign for you,
but you have to get a job first.
Love mom and dad.
Your mom sounds
like a sweetheart.
Your dad sounds like
kind of an asshole.
Yeah.
Well, now I gotta get a job,
so I can get an apartment,
prove to everyone
that I'm not a loser,
and get my girlfriend back.
Well, you can start
by fixing your resume.
Get rid of all of this nonsense
and build on the one
job you actually had.
Okay, fine, I'll, yeah.
But I'm gonna need some
spending money in the meantime.
Hm, you can't
ask your parents?
They wrote another
note about that too.
[MADISON] Seriously?
Yeah.
Well, what are you
doing tomorrow night?
I was gonna, you know,
n- nothin'.
I have a friend who does
these get-togethers once a month
and she told me her
caterer just canceled.
So, maybe you could do it?
I don't know.
Oh, come on, do you
need the cash or not?
Fine.
Okay, great.
I'm gonna text you the
details, all right?
(WOMEN WHISTLING)
Whoa oh oh oh!
Woohoo!
Woo!
Woo baby!
Oh, shake it baby!
Nice butt. Ooh!
Whoa oh!
Whoa, all right!
("FATHERTIME" BY TRIN MONSTA)
I been runnin' all my life
But I always seem
to feel behind
No matter how much I hide
I'm hidin' with my own mind
All of the pots, pans,
and cooking utensils
are in the drawers
and cupboards.
Let me know if you need
help finding anything.
The guests will be
here in an hour.
Any questions?
Do you have a microwave?
A microwave?
Yeah, you know,
microwave oven.
It's a, people use
it to cook stuff.
I know what a microwave is.
What do you need it for?
Oh, well 'cause I have a
bunch of frozen TV dinners,
and how else am I gonna cook it?
I'm not usin' the oven, that's-
that's way too much work.
You're actually going
to serve my guest garbage
you got from the
frozen food section?
Relax, I'm just kidding.
I'll have the food
ready in an hour.
Um, little hint, the next
time you wanna tell a joke,
make sure it's funny first.
O-kay.
("HABANERA" FROM CARMEN)
Wow, it smells
amazing in here.
And it looks like someone's
havin' fun, look at that.
You hungry?
Duh.
Okay, all right.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
("EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK")
Tell me what you
think about this.
Be honest.
It tastes
incredible.
I mean, I figured you can cook,
but I thought it'd just be
like whatever, not like this.
This is delicious.
You have a gift.
So, when you say delicious,
do you mean delicious
when compared
to the Chef Boyardee
standard you had for me
or delicious when compared
to actual restaurants
you've eaten at?
Actual restaurants.
Nice restaurants or
like fast food joints.
Nice restaurants.
Now, will you just shut up
and take the compliment?
Yeah, all right, thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, what else do
you have to eat?
Uh, try this.
(LAUGHS)
Take the whole bite there.
Oh my god.
That is so good.
The guests are arriving,
is the food ready?
Yes, it is.
Well, come on then, bring
it out into the living room.
Right away, Mussolini.
[CHLOE] Huh?
Benito Mussolini, you
know, the French dictator.
You look French,
so I just wanted
to pick somethin' close to home.
I know who he is.
Do I look uneducated to you?
Which apparently, you are
because Benito Mussolini
was an Italian dictator.
Either way, I'm not French
or Italian, I'm English.
I was gonna say Italian.
[CHLOE] I'm sure you were.
I was, Queen Mary.
Is there some point
where you realize
that you're being obnoxious
and you stop telling
your humorless jokes?
No, he's just like
this all the time.
Luckily, I don't care
what either of you think
because my mom
thinks I'm hilarious.
Just hurry up and
bring out the food.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
Okay, so are you gonna help me
before your friend murders me
or just keep stuffin' your face?
Oh god, Chloe
wouldn't hurt a fly.
Please, I know the face of
a murderer when I see one.
Whew!
Besides, she said
she was English.
You know who else is English?
Who?
Jack the Ripper?
I was gonna say
Charles Manson,
but yeah, I think
he's English too.
Oh, really?
Yes, now help me out with this
before I end up
on a milk carton.
Fine, you big baby.
(MIMICS HI-HAT MUSIC)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Boo!
(GASPS)
[BARNABY] Please
don't kill me, Chloe,
I'm too young to die.
What?
Really, wow.
You really are
afraid of my friend.
No!
I was just messing with ya.
I saw ya hidin' over there.
Yeah, sure you did.
Anyway, what are
you still doin' here?
Oh, I-I just forgot something
inside of Chloe's house,
so I came back to get it.
Oh yeah, well if it's
leftovers, I suggest you hurry.
I mean, there was a lotta
food still when I left,
but that was like two
or three minutes ago,
and she's all up
there by herself, so.
(LAUGHS)
It's-It's not the leftovers,
but thanks for the heads up.
Hey, um, what are
you doin' after this?
Well, I did just make $300,
so I think the
obvious answer is uh,
hittin' up the strip club.
Seriously?
Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm gonna need more money if
I'm gonna go to the strip club.
(LAUGHS)
Why, what are you doin'?
Uh, I'm-I'm not sure.
Hey, do you wanna
grab a drink with me?
Promise not to roofie it?
I can't promise that.
In that case, I'm game.
Okay, cool, um,
I'll be right back.
(UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, so, did you
have fun tonight?
Fun doin' what?
(LAUGHS)
Cooking, what
else were you doing?
Oh, you know what?
I did have fun tonight.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I could tell.
More fun than cooking those
grilled cheese and
ham sandwiches?
(LAUGHS)
I-I don't know
if I'd go that far.
You know, from time to
time, I did get pretty fancy
with those grilled cheese
and ham sandwiches.
Is that right?
Yes, ma'am.
So, what do you think?
Are you gonna give
cooking another shot?
I don't know, maybe.
Just maybe?
But.
Barnaby,
hello?
She's here.
Who's here?
My ex, Elaina.
You mean that girl that's
standing next to that hot guy.
Joking, joking, he's
not-he's not that cute.
Okay, okay, I'm not gonna
lie, he's-he's a little cute.
She sees me, she's
comin' over here.
Hey, Barnaby!
Elaina.
Wait, wait, your
name is Barney,
like the children's dinosaur?
No, it's Arnie, and
it's short for Barnaby.
Bro, you gotta introduce
me to your friends.
Are you talkin' about her?
No, your friends, you
know, Barney and Friends.
Who are you exactly?
This is my
boyfriend, Geppetto.
(SPUTTERS)
Geppetto, like,
Pinocchio Geppetto?
Yeah, that's his name.
(LAUGHS)
Is that his real name
or like a nickname?
It's my real name.
No, so on your birth
certificate, it says Geppetto?
So, your parents actually
made the conscious decision
to name you after a
fairytale character.
How's your brother Jiminy doin'?
Would you grow up?
It's okay babe, if
I was named after a
giant purple dinosaur
who sang and danced with
children, I'd be immature too.
Babe, that's cute.
How long you been
dating, a couple of days?
No, actually, me and this
beautiful slice of roast beef
have been together for
what, six months now?
Six months, but
we were still--
Who's this, your friend?
His girlfriend
actually, Madison.
And we were just leaving.
Geppetto, so nice to meet you.
Please tell the Blue
Fairy I said hello,
and Elaina, Arnie told
me you were skinny,
but wow, it's called food
have you heard of it?
You don't think I'm
too skinny, do you babe?
No, babe, you're perfect.
She doesn't know what
she's talking about.
If anything, you could
lose some weight.
So now I'm fat?
No, I'm just saying
you're not that skinny.
- Thanks.
- Babe, wait.
(UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC)
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
(MUFFLED UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC)
(CITY SOUNDS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, are you all right?
I'm fine, I just
need a minute.
Look, I don't really
know you're ex-girlfriend,
but from what I saw tonight,
she's a real piece of crap,
and if she chose that
Geppetto guy over you,
then she's definitely
not very bright either.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
I'm gonna go.
Arnie, wait.
Don't you wanna talk about it?
It-it might help.
Talk about what?
The fact that my ex-girlfriend
was cheating on me for months
with a guy who calls
her roast beef slice
and happens to be the main
character of a children's book?
Or how 'bout the fact
that I don't have a job?
Or that I live in my car?
Is that what you
wanna talk about?
'Cause I don't see how talking
is gonna change any of that.
Oh, okay, maybe not, but
it-it might help you move on
or ease the pain a little.
Face it, Madison, I'm a loser.
No amount of talking
is gonna change that.
You might as well just
stay away from me.
You're not a loser.
Goodbye Madison.
How could you be so stupid?
She was cheating on
you for six months,
and there were so many signs.
The new haircuts,
the new clothes,
the constant nagging,
having to sleep
out on the couch,
and the most obvious,
when she butt dialed
you while having sex,
and to think you
actually believed her
when she told you
that she fell asleep
while watching 15
Shades of Gray.
No woman would fall
asleep while watching
15 Shades of Gray.
You know what Elaina?
Forget you I don't
even care anymore.
(CRYING)
Elaina, I miss you so much.
(BEEPS)
Hello, hi.
Um, what's your biggest pizza?
Oh okay, can I get
three of those?
Actually make that four.
Do I sound like a ninja turtle?
Yeah, I want anchovies,
I want anchovies.
Sunny Ranch Apartments,
unit H seven, Elaina.
(BEEPS)
Hi, do you guys deliver?
Perfect, can I get 30
bowls of white rice?
Yeah, to Sunny Ranch Apartments.
Hi, can I get one of the
six-foot subs, party subs?
Ah, wait hold on.
What, you wanna get two of 'em?
Are you sure?
Okay.
Can we get, make, make that two.
Um, we're pretty
hungry over here.
Um, what's um, what'd you
got for your hot wings?
What's the biggest order?
Sixty, no that's not enough,
Lemme get three of those.
(SNORING LIGHTLY)
(CELL PHONE BUZZES)
(GROANING)
Hm
(BEEPS)
[Voicemail] You have four
new messages, first message.
[ELAINA] Seriously Barnaby,
you think you're funny?
I know it was you that
ordered the pizza.
[VOICEMAIL] End of
message, new message.
[ELAINA] Really, 30
orders of white rice?
When I see you next,
you are so dead,
you hear me, you are dead!
[VOICEMAIL] End of
message, new message.
[ELAINA] Party subs,
I take that back.
I'm not going to kill
you when I see you,
no, that's not good
enough for you.
I'm going to hurt you so bad,
you're going to
wish you were dead.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Are you freaking kidding?
(DOOR OPENS)
[DELIVERY MAN] I have a
delivery of wings for Elaina?
(DOOR CLOSES)
Argh, you better hope I
dint find you, Barnaby!
[VOICEMAIL] End of
message, new message.
[ELAINA] I'm looking at all
this food you had delivered
and I've decided I'm
gonna save it for you.
I'm going to find you,
I'm going to take
you back to my place,
and I'm going to tie you up
and make you eat all of it
until your gut explodes.
And after that happens,
I'm going to make you
keep eating until you die!
Remember that movie Seven?
Yeah, that's gonna be you,
dead in my living
room you asshole!
[VOICEMAIL] End of message,
you have no new messages.
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
(WHISTLING)
Excuse me sir, it's illegal
to be naked in public.
Come on, don't run.
(SIGHS)
Hey Madison, it's me Arnie.
I just wanted to
call and apologize
for the way I acted last night.
And uh, if you're free later,
I'll be at the basketball
court by the beach.
So uh, hope to see you there.
All right, talk
to you later, bye.
(BEEPS)
(BAG RUSTLING)
Ah, I remember you,
got you on our first
Valentine's together.
What are you so happy about?
And this, from when you said
we'd always be together.
Well, we both know
how that turned out.
(THUD)
Goodbye, Elaina.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
Nice shot, Gramps.
Ah god, not you again.
I bet I know what
you do for a living,
you're a brick layer.
Get it, a brick layer?
Yeah, I get it.
Don't you have
school or something?
It's Saturday.
Don't you have like a job
to go to or something?
It's Saturday.
So, my dad works
on a Saturday.
Yeah, I'm sure your
dad works every day
if he has to make
enough to feed you.
And I bet you have
to work two jobs
just to afford the candles
on your birthday cake.
I gotta be honest
with you kid,
I'm a little jealous of the fact
that when you go places you
get the group discount rate.
And I'm kinda jealous
that you get the senior
discount when you go places.
That's basically what I
just said but good for you.
Hey, isn't it almost 4:00?
Shouldn't you be at Costco
before they stop givin'
out all the free samples?
Shouldn't you be at home
watching silent movies?
As much as I'd
love to stand here
and do this with you all day,
I have better things
to do, so get lost.
[MADISON] Hey Arnie.
Hey, I want sure if
you got my message.
Wait, you know this guy?
Are you Arnie's friend?
Who him, you think
I'm his friend?
He wishes.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm Will, but you can
call me whatever you want.
Nice to meet you
Will, I'm Madison.
Hey, whoa, whoa, get your
grubby little hands off of her.
Whoa, don't be jelly, bro.
Yeah Arnie, don't be jelly.
I'm not jel-I'm
not jealous all right?
Wait, is this old
timer your boyfriend?
Would you get lost?
Fine I'll go,
but if you need me,
I'll be on the bleachers
in the winners' section.
Cool, now leave.
You have no idea how
annoying that kid is.
Yeah well, he seems
like he likes you.
Oh, I think he likes
you a little bit more.
(LAUGHS)
Do you know how
to play basketball?
Maybe you should
stick to cooking.
Aha, someone
thinks they're funny.
Let's see you do better.
Lucky shot.
Oh yeah?
Still think it was lucky?
How 'bout a little one-on-one?
Oh, are you sure you
wanna lose to a girl?
You know I don't
wanna embarrass you.
Oh I don't think I'm the one
that's gonna be
gettin' embarrassed.
Okay, you wanna
make this interesting?
How so?
If I win, you're gonna let me
fix that ridiculous resume
you've been handing out.
Fine, but if I win,
you have to help me
Saran wrap Elaina's car.
Okay, done deal, but
I get the ball first.
Hey wait I wasn't ready.
Doesn't matter, one zero,
first one to get to 11 wins.
I got 20 bucks on the girl.
[BARNABY] Woo!
Tss, we'll take that action.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Can you even throw
the ball that far?
I don't know, let's find out.
Oh, what, two points!
Next point wins.
Ha, gay!
(GROANS)
Whew, and that's game.
Hey grandpa, thanks,
you just won me 20 bucks!
(GROANS)
Hey, I wanna say
sorry for last night.
Aw, you don't
have to apologize.
I probably would have
acted the same way
if I found out my ex
that I just broke up with
was cheating on me while
I was still with them.
Still I mean, I shouldn't
have taken it out on you.
Yeah you're kind of a dick.
You're just lucky I'm so cool.
You know, most girls would
have blown you off by now.
Well you're just
lucky that I'm so cool.
Most guys wouldn't let a girl
beat them in a
game of basketball,
especially not with their
reputation on the line.
Would you give it up?
We both know you
didn't let me win.
That's what'll help
you sleep at night.
Okay, lets play
again right now.
- Right now?
- Yes, right now.
I don't know, I'm still a
little tired from the last game.
How about we do it nother day?
Okay, either you admit that
I beat you fair and square,
or we're gonna play
again right now.
Fine, lets go again,
but don't expect me
to go easy on you.
Fine, just don't expect
me to go easy on you either.
Wait, you were
goin' easy on me?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
You do realize you'd have
to be like 1,500 years old
to have some of the
jobs you listed?
I know, I look pretty
good for my age, right?
I'm like, Brendan Fraser...
Tom Cruise.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
(TYPING)
So if you had to get rid of
one holiday, what would it be?
[MADISON] Only one?
[BARNABY] Mm-hmm.
Easy, Valentine's Day.
Ah, a romantic, why's that?
Well, for starters, I
already know I'm single,
I don't need a national
holiday reminding me.
And even if I wasn't,
I'm only a month and a
half away from New Year's,
I haven't broken my
resolution to lose weight yet
and then here we are with
a holiday where I get
showered with chocolate
gifts, ya know?
What about you?
I'd have to say
Valentine's Day too for me,
but for different reasons.
You see I am terrible
at giving gifts.
One year, because I
know how important
personal hygiene is to women,
I got Elaina
deodorant, mouthwash,
hair removal gel, and a
feminine freshness kit.
You know, for her um.
Yeah, no, I got it.
Well, she was pissed,
and then the next year,
I got her the morning after pill
with a little note that said
this is for tomorrow.
She, she hated that too.
(SIGHS)
Yeah I wonder why?
Yeah, and then most recently,
I took her to a special
screening of Unfaithful.
Really?
That's kind of ironic
of you think about it.
Yeah, no wonder she
kept lookin' at me weird
the whole time, ah.
She probably thought
you were on to her.
Luckily she doesn't know
how dumb you really are.
Funny, heh, ha, ha.
Now would you focus please?
This resume isn't
gonna fix itself.
I know, that's why I got you.
Well, you wanted to do it.
Right, I realize that
but had I known at the time
that I'd be doing all the work
I would have asked
for something else.
Hm.
Is the degree
in culinary real,
or did you make those up to?
Yes it's real, I'm not
a complete loser, jeez.
Well, I'm sorry but it's hard
to take any degree seriously
when it's listed after
your degrees in law,
nuclear engineering,
politics, economics,
and adventure.
You know, I actually
can't believe
you put you earned a
degree in adventure,
wait you do know that's
not a real degree, right?
(CHUCKLES)
Looks like the
jokes on you Madison,
turns out that adventure
is a real degree.
Really?
Yeah, I looked it
up on the internet.
Huh, and how does one
earn a degree in adventure?
Well isn't it obvious?
By going on adventures.
Ya know, I'm sorry
I asked, delete.
Aw.
(TYPING)
(GROANS)
So, favorite quarterback?
All-time or currently playing?
Currently playing.
Easy, Tom Brady.
Tom Brady?
Over Drew Brees,
Aaron Rodger, Manning?
And no, not Eli.
Seriously?
Seriously, what?
Tom Brady's made six
Super Bowl appearances,
he's tied with Joe Montana
for Super Bowl wins
and not to mention, he's
been to the Pro Bowl
11 times and NFL MVP twice.
Yeah.
So, I expanded your duties
at the mom and pop restaurant,
and I highlighted your
culinary training and degree,
and I've added myself and
a friend as a reference.
Hm.
Chloe, the serial killer?
Yes, her.
She hates me.
I'm not gonna get a job
if they call her up.
Relax, she's not
gonna say anything bad.
When I went back to
get my stuff I forgot,
she wouldn't stop talking about
how much she loved your food.
Okay, well, if
I turn up missing,
you know who to have the
police question first, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
All right, so I'm gonna
print some of these off
when I get home, and then
I'll give 'em to you later?
Cool.
So, you ready
to have some fun?
What did you have in mind?
Is that what I think it is?
Uh huh.
Remind me never
to make you mad.
No, you dork.
Like this, see, roll
it from underneath,
so it doesn't get stuck.
- Oh.
- See?
My bad.
I didn't realize
you were an expert.
So uh, you Saran wrap
a lotta cars or what?
A few.
Serious?
Yes, now come on, we
have to go under the car
and then over the roof.
Obviously.
Ah.
It's my friend's wedding,
and I thought we'd surprise
her with an early wedding gift.
Keep goin'.
All right, let's go hide and
wait for her to come out.
Okay.
There.
Sorry.
Ding, ding, pow.
So, you gonna tell me
about those other cars
you Saran wrapped?
Nope.
Come on, was it ex-boyfriends?
Ex-girlfriends?
It doesn't matter.
I knew it, ex-girlfriends.
Right on.
It was an ex-boyfriend, okay?
Found out he had
a wife and a son.
Just leave it alone.
All right, so a
what, you Saran wrapped
both his and his wife's car?
(LAUGHS)
You know, you can be a
little stupid sometimes.
Only sometimes.
Did you just accidentally
give me a compliment?
Shh, here she comes.
Barnaby!
You're dead next time I see you!
(LAUGHING)
Barnaby, is that you?
Get over here so I
can kick your ass.
(GIGGLING)
(GROANING)
(SNORING LIGHTLY)
(CLACKING)
What the?
[THIEF] Ooh!
(LAUGHING)
Were you just trying
to break into my car?
No, this is your car?
I thought it was mine.
You have the same car?
What kinda car is this then?
SUV.
I meant make
and model, genius.
Uh, Ford?
No.
Chevy?
Okay, now you're
just guessing.
Hey, some people don't know
what kind of car
they drive, right?
Uh, I guess.
Wait a second, don't I know you?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
No.
You're the asshole that stole
my bag of cans and ran off.
Hey, you mistook
me for someone else.
No, I know it's you.
You're wearin' that same
silly pants and everything!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What's that?
I can still see you.
Uh, no, you can't.
Yes.
No?
Whatever dude, just
stay away from my car!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Excuse me, sir.
This is the second
time I tell you
it's illegal to be
naked in public.
We're gonna have to take you in.
Quit resisting,
you're under arrest!
(BARNABY GROANS)
Is he resisting?
He sure is.
Looks like we're
gonna have to tase him!
No, I'm not resisting.
(ELECTRICAL SNAPPING)
(BARNABY GROANING)
(OFFICER LAUGHS)
(ELECTRICAL SNAPPING)
(OFFICER CHUCKLES)
(CLACKING)
(UPBEAT BASS MUSIC)
Thanks for bailin' me out.
No problem.
Nice clothes.
(MADISON WHISTLES)
It's all they had.
What happened to your clothes?
Did they not give 'em back?
I wasn't wearing any
clothes when they arrested me.
What?
You were naked?
If naked means I wasn't
wearing any clothes,
then yeah, I was naked.
What happened?
Wait, why were you naked
and what did you'd
do to get arrested?
Well apparently,
they have a law
against showering
naked in public.
Stupid, right?
Why have a shower
in a public place
if you can't take a
naked shower under it?
You mean beach showers?
Because I'm pretty sure you're
only supposed to use those
to like get sand
off of your body.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, good news, I
sent off your resume
to a couple of restaurants
that were looking for a chef.
One of 'em messaged me back
and they want you to
come in for an interview.
Cool.
Don't sound too excited.
I just don't think I'm gonna
make it to that interview.
Why?
Well, I told you already,
I don't really wanna
be a chef anymore.
But you're good at it.
And this isn't gonna be
like the last job you had.
Their menu is amazing,
I made sure of it.
I know you're gonna like it.
It's not that.
Then what is it?
It's, uh, you ever,
you ever just think
that you'd be further
along in your life
when you got to this age.
I mean, look how old we are.
I thought when I got this
old, I'd have a house, wife,
kids, an actual career I can
be proud of, but look at me.
If I take this job,
they'll most likely start
me off at a low position,
and I'll waste even more time
tryin' to move my way up,
and I'll be in the
same place I was in
when I graduated
from high school.
And then, what if
that doesn't work out?
I don't wanna be 40
livin' out of my car
tryin' to figure out
what to do with my life.
(SIGHS)
I don't think anybody
has it figured out, Arnie.
You think having a good job
and a house and
family'd change that?
Because I know a lot of
people who have those things,
and they're just as
confused as you are.
I highly doubt that.
Everything always looks
better from the outside in.
You know what you should
do with your life?
Something that you love.
What is it that you love, Arnie?
I guess I do like to cook.
Then cook.
You know, most people
spend their life
searching for something
they love, and you found it.
So in my book, you're
way ahead of the rest.
You do have a point.
Uh, yeah.
What is it that you like to do?
Me,
I like to eat.
(CHUCKLES)
So, I guess that makes
us the perfect pair.
I guess we are.
Speaking of food, I am starving.
The prison food was terrible.
Do you wanna get somethin'?
Yeah, I'd like that.
(LAUGHS)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CHOP)
(CHOPPING)
(CHOPPING)
(CHOPPING)
Thanks for comin' with me.
Hey, relax, you're
gonna do fine.
You think so?
I know so.
I don't know.
It's been a long time since
I've cooked at this level.
Maybe we should just go.
Look at me, Arnie.
You're an amazing cook, and
you're gonna go in there,
and they're gonna see that,
and they're gonna love you.
Maybe.
Would you stop dong that?
Doing what?
Stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
I don't feel sorry for myself.
Yes, you do, all
the time, actually.
It's not that I feel
sorry for myself, it's just,
I don't know if I'm good enough.
And I don't wanna go in there
and make a fool outta myself.
But Arnie, you
are good enough.
Oh, maybe.
(SIGHS)
Look, you can have all
the talent in the world,
but if you don't
believe in yourself,
it really doesn't
matter, does it?
And maybe you go in there
and totally screw up,
but who cares?
At least you went in
there and found out
instead of spending the rest
of your life wondering what if.
You know, you can be quite
persuasive when you want to be.
I know.
Um, my driver-side
door is broken,
so I have to.
Oh, yeah, that's cool.
Sorry.
It's all good.
(DOOR OPENS)
Got it?
(GROANS)
There ya go.
- You good?
- [BARNABY] Yeah.
[MADISON] Okay.
Why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself?
Well, my name is Barnaby,
but everyone calls me Arnie,
and I recently broke
up with my girlfriend
who I later found out
had been cheatin' on me
for the last six months.
What I meant to say is,
I love to cook, and after
graduating culinary school,
I got a terrible job at
a terrible restaurant,
nothing like this place,
this place is great,
and I forgot how
much I love to cook,
but then recently, a really
amazing friend of mine
reminded me of how
much I love it.
Heat, the smell, the art,
watching people's faces light
up when they taste your food,
and so here I am.
What do you know
about our restaurant?
Well, I know you're open from
11:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Sunday through Monday,
open until midnight
Friday and Saturday,
have been voted best local
restaurant three years running,
have a menu consisting
of 60% Italian dishes,
and are located
in a part of town
that receives a lot of
high-end consumer foot traffic.
Well done, you've
done your homework.
You're damn right I did.
Well now, in front of you
are several ingredients.
I want you to write
me a menu and cook it.
You have 30 minutes
starting from now.
(CHATTERING)
Yes?
Is menu with one n or two?
Just kiddin', I know it's two.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CHATTERING)
Ha, you can put
your hands down now.
Right.
So, what do you think?
For someone who can't spell
menu, that's quite good.
I know there's only one n.
And no e on the end.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I've got one
more interview,
but you should be
hearing from me soon.
Awesome.
Thank you.
So, got a little bored
while I was waiting,
and I was digging
through your stuff,
and I found your
autograph football.
Oh yeah?
It's cool, right?
Yeah.
It took me like two weeks
to forge the signatures.
I bet.
So?
How'd it go in there?
Uh, she has one other
person to interview,
uh, but it looks
like I got the job.
Really?
Yeah, well, I mean, she's
gonna call me tomorrow.
See?
And you didn't
wanna go in there.
Yeah, yeah.
(MADISON LAUGHS)
Let's go celebrate.
Okay.
Where do you wanna go?
I have a place in mind.
Get in, I'll drive.
("COULD BE LOVE"
BY FRENCHY MADE)
Saying that you love me
Saying that you need me
But do you really want me
Like you know, know, know
Saying that you love me
Saying that you need me
But do you really want me
Like you know, know, know
When you comin' home
I'm sitting home alone
Baby, it's 4:00 a.m.
Oh, I gotta be honest.
When I woke up this morning,
I did not see my
day ending here.
Is that right?
You, uh, didn't see
your day ending with you
crossing off the final
thing from your bucket list?
Oh.
That's what this is about?
(CHUCKLES)
I thought we were gonna--
Oh, I know what you thought.
So, you wanna come
up here and join me?
Yes.
Maybe it's love
(LAUGHS)
To be loved
(GROANS)
Saying that you love me
Saying that you need me
But do you really want me
Like you know, know, know
Oh, when I was a kid,
I thought this was
gonna be a lot more fun.
Yeah, uh, I guess it has lost
some of its fun
over the years, huh?
So, what do you wanna do?
Well, I still have some
of the money left over
from when I cooked
for your friend.
How 'bout we pig
out on room service?
Thought you'd never ask.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
[BARNABY] Okay, you
gotta try this one.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh my god, that is terrible.
I know, right?
Hm, why would you
make me taste that?
You're the one
that ordered it.
Ugh.
So,
I don't think I ever
told you thanks.
For what?
For everything.
I don't know where I'd be
right now if it wasn't for you.
It's no problem.
I'm sure you would've
done the same for me.
Yeah.
What?
Nothin'.
Tell me.
It's just,
I've never seen someone
eat food without chewing.
(LAUGHS)
I know you can do it, I've
just never seen it done before.
Okay, shut up.
Ah, I was just jokin'.
Yeah, sure.
So, whatever happened to that
married guy you were datin'?
Were you two
together for a while?
Um, yeah, we were,
we were together
for quite some time.
Like a few months?
Two years.
He was married the whole time
and you didn't figure
that out for two years?
What about women's
intuition and all that?
I'm sorry, continue.
Um, (SIGHS)
well, the whole
time we were dating,
I was always busy working and
I was taking night classes.
Um, we didn't see
each other that much.
I mean, I always figured
he was hiding something,
but I also thought maybe I
was just imagining things.
How'd you find out
about his wife and kids?
That was by accident really.
Um, I was out with
a friend somewhere
and um, there he was,
across the street
at a little cafe
with his wife and son,
and they looked like
a regular family.
I mean, they looked so happy,
and he looked over
at me at one point,
and then he went back
to talking to his wife
and playing with his son,
like he didn't even
know who I was.
What a real sack of shit.
So, what'd you do?
Did you tell his wife?
Key his car?
Egg his house?
(CHUCKLES)
No.
Uh
(SIGHS)
I just deleted
him from my phone,
and I've been single ever since.
You know, I didn't even tell
my friends what happened.
I, uh, I was too embarrassed.
You're actually the first
person I've ever told.
Well, this night
has really taken a turn
for Depressionville.
Oh, well, you're the one
who asked me about my ex.
Well, I just didn't know
you were gonna make it
sound so sad, you know?
Oh, oh, okay.
Um, was-was I supposed
to make it sound happy?
Well, you could made
it a little more happier.
I'm sorry,
I'm gonna stop talking
now and go take a shower.
It's been a while
since I've taken shower
in an actual bathroom.
Okay, so, yeah,
I'll be in the shower.
Did you want one?
(BUZZING)
Hey, Madison, you really gotta
try this shower before we leave.
It's got one of those
shower heads with the hoses,
so you can get all
up in your spaces.
It's really quite amazing.
Hey, Madison, did
you hear what I said?
Got one of those shower
heads with the, uh.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hello.
(MADISON SIGHS)
This is him.
Really?
No, that's great news.
Where at?
When would you want
me to be there by?
Yes, I can be there then.
No, thank you.
Bye.
Madison?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I got the job.
They wanna hire me as head chef.
I start Monday.
What?
That's great, Arnie.
What's wrong, why
do you look so sad?
They want me to move.
Far.
How-how far?
Seattle.
(SIGHS)
That is far.
Tell me about it.
Well, it sounds like
a great opportunity.
You should definitely go for it.
I mean it is, but, uh.
But what?
I don't know, it's
just really far.
Head chefs take
vacations, right?
Yeah.
Then you can always
come and visit.
I guess so.
(SIGHS)
So, when do you have to leave?
I should probably leave by,
well, I should probably leave
in the next couple of hours
if I'm gonna be there by Monday.
Yeah, you should
probably get to it, then.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Would you stop looking so sad?
This is good news.
I guess you're right.
So, this is real, you're-
you're really moving?
Yeah Dad, I'm really movin'.
I told you we should
never have kicked him out.
Now, we're never
gonna see him again.
Relax Mom, I'll
be back to visit.
Promise?
Yes, every chance I get.
All right, well
give your mom a hug.
[BARNABY] Goodbye, Mom.
No, this is not goodbye.
This is, this is see ya later.
All right, see ya later, Mom.
All right, I have to go in
before the neighbors see me cry.
(MOM SIGHS)
So, tell me more about
this friend of yours.
Who, Madison?
Eh, is that the
name of the girl
who's uh, dancing to
music in your car?
Yeah, that's her.
She's amazing.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well hey, if it doesn't
work out in Seattle,
or if you wanna
stick around here
and give it another
shot for any reason,
you're welcome to move back in.
Thanks, Dad.
Besides, your mom's driving
me crazy without you here.
Give your old man a hug.
I need to go check on your mom.
- Okay
- [DAD] Hm.
("ON F.I.R.E." BY
TONEZ THE PRINCE)
On on on
We on fire
We on fire
Girl, we on on
on on on on on
We on fire
We on fire
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MADISON CLEARS THROAT)
(MADISON SIGHS)
(MADISON LAUGHS)
[BARNABY] Hold on a second.
[MADISON] This is getting,
nice really, really Arnie?
(BARNABY SIGHS)
Wow.
Well, uh,
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I guess this is goodbye.
No goodbyes,
only see ya later.
(SIGHS)
That's funny.
That's what my mom just said.
Your mom sounds
like a smart woman.
Yeah.
Well, um, I'll call
you when I get there.
Let you know how everything is.
If that's okay with you.
Yeah, I'd-I'd like that.
All right.
Well,
I guess I should be going.
See ya later, Arnie.
Madison.
Yeah?
I'll see ya later.
Later.
(KEYS JANGLE)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(DOOR OPENS)
I noticed you
forgot a signature,
and don't worry, I let a
little air out of your ball
to make it more realistic.
(PAPERS MOVING)
Dear Future Employer,
what can I say
other than I love to cook,
and I mean I really love it.
Put me in the kitchen and I
light up like a Christmas tree.
Madison, you're such a dork.
And the food I put on the
plate, it's phenomenal.
I promise that if you
give me the opportunity
to show you what I can
do, I won't let you down.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(PHONE JINGLES)
[MADISON] You did this for me?
What?
Oh no, it's for one
of your neighbors.
They should be comin'
out any moment.
Smart ass.
Wait, what about the job?
About that, I
thought about it,
and do I really
wanna live in a place
where the NFL team mascot
isn't even a real bird?
You passed up a job
because of a mascot.
Well, that and you.
("FALLIN HARD" BY FRENCHY MADE)
So, does that
mean you like me?
Well, I don't know if
I'd go as far to say like.
What's between like and loathe?
Would you shut up
and kiss me already?
Champagne sippin' in the
parking lot, I'm waitin'
To leave for a night on
the town with my baby
Gold, diamonds,
he's drippin'
Those lips I'm, I'm kissin'
Slicked back hair
Before we go any further,
I should probably put
those candles out.
Yeah, we should
definitely do that
before your car catches on fire.
What were you thinking
setting up candles
inside of your car anyway?
Oh, I don't know, I
thought it was romantic.
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love me now
Would you tell me, baby
That you'll hold me,
that you'll hold me down
'Cause I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Yes, I'm fallin hard for you
Ooooo
Lovers, will die, but
we live for each other
Won't tell 'em lies,
when we love one another
My eyes closed, I'm shakin'
My walls down, I'm breakin'
'em down to the ground
Like a hurricane hit me
Storm raged 'round,
my heart's the city
I love the way you open
up my world and mind
Skies are painted
pink it's al redefined
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love me now
Would you tell me, baby
That you'll hold me,
that you'll hold me down
'Cause I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Yes, I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
In a place where
time is ticking
Where were grow
old, will you settle
Will you love hard,
would you choose me
Through the darkness,
through our battles
And will you say
that, that you love me
In front of everybody
Would you tell them
that you're mine
We'll cross the finish line
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love now
Would you tell me, baby
That you'll hold me,
that you'll hold me down
'Cause I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Yes, I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love me now
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Stay up
("STAY UP" BY TONEZ THE PRINCE)
I woke up this mornin'
Feel good, feel flawless
Good vibes, I'm on it
I don't do what they say
I do what I wanna
Shout out to my ego
'Cause it keep it
flyer than an eagle
You can grow up and have it
all right in front of you
Money show up and lose
it all, what you gonna do
Oh
And they act like they
know how it feels, yeah
They don't know like
I know, like I know
And when it all goes bad
to the left, to the left
And when it all goes
bad to the right, hey
Uno, uno, dos, tres
Everything's gonna be o-kay
Though life could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember that you're
livin', stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up, don't
you stay down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Go for your dreams, you
will only get closer
One door may close
but another will open
Don't you be sad, get that
dirt off your shoulder
If you believe in it,
you can move boulders
And they act like they
know how it feels, yeah
Here's your shit.
Can't we talk about this?
Talk about what?
The fact that you're a loser
and you're always
going to be a loser?
Well, we could do that,
but I don't wanna make the
conversation all about me.
Everything is
always a joke to you.
Can't you take anything serious?
I'm serious about
us, about you.
Doesn't that count?
Come on, let's go back
inside and talk about this.
When we met, you told
me you were a chef.
I thought you were going places.
Come to find out, you live
at home with your parents
and you don't even have a job.
Well, I can get
a job if I want to.
I'm just waiting
for the right one.
Wait, is this what
this is all about?
That's what'll make you happy?
Oh my god, I will go out
and get a job right now.
Face it, Barnaby, you're
never going to change.
You're always going to be a bum
who lives at home
with mom and dad,
and I'm not going to waste
another second of my life
in a relationship
with a failed cook.
You take that back.
I'm a chef.
No, you're a cook.
Do you even know
what the difference
between a chef and a cook is?
'Cause I'm pretty sure a cook
wouldn't have a culinary degree.
Goodbye Barnaby.
And I'm pretty sure a cook
wouldn't have a
badass set of knives.
Well, maybe he would,
but he wouldn't have a badass
set of knives like this.
Where are my knives?
(THUD)
Ah!
What, are you psycho?
Who throws knives at people?
What if one of 'em had come
out and hit me in the face?
You know what, I'm
glad we're breaking up
'cause you're obviously crazy.
I'm sorry babe, I
didn't mean that.
You're not crazy.
Maybe just a little, but
that's why I love you.
Really?
You're not gonna give me
back my autographed football?
Do you have any idea how long
it took me to forge
those signatures?
(THUD)
Oh!
Would you stop throwing
stuff at my face?
And don't bother calling.
I'm changing my number.
And one more thing,
I've always hated your cooking.
They don't know like
I know, like I know
Though life could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember, remember that
you're livin', stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
(KNOCKING)
Aight
They don't know, they don't
know how it feels, yeah
Dear Barnaby, your
father and I have decided
it's time for you to do
something with your life.
(SPEAKING FAINTLY)
Is this some kind of a joke?
Come on, Dad, I
know you're home.
I can see you
through the window.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(WHISTLING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
("OUT OF MY MIND"
BY TRIN MONSTA)
Outta my mind
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm outta my mind
Yes sir, I'm outta my mind
I agree, I'm outta my mind
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm outta my mind
I agree, I'm outta my mind
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm out
(DOOR CLOSES)
(OCEAN WAVES)
(GENTLE UKULELE MUSIC)
I am livin' out of my car
And my life won't go too far
My girlfriend broke
up with me, so
I am sittin' here all alone
(BAG RUSTLING)
(SIGHS)
(BAG RUSTLING)
(EXHALES)
They don't know like
I know, like I know
Though life could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember that you're livin'
Stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Aight
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Oh, no, oh!
Aight
They don't know, they
don't how it feels, yeah
They don't know like
I know, like I know
(EXHALING)
(KIDS YELLING)
[WILL] Hey, old man,
wanna play a game of pig?
Are you talkin' to me?
I don't see any other senior
citizens playing basketball.
Do you?
Are you sure you
can play basketball?
I don't what you dyin' on
me from a heart attack.
And I don't want you to fall
over and dislocate your hip.
Ooh, good one.
Haven't heard that
a million times.
Well, I don't want
ya to take a break
midway through the game
and go get a cheeseburger.
And I don't want you to
cheat while we're playing
and fart dust in my eyes.
This is gettin' old,
are we gonna play or not?
Fine, but I get ball first.
Before I sink this, 20
bucks says I beat you.
Fine, you wanna
bet on the game?
Let's make it 40 then.
Fine with me.
You got 40 bucks on ya?
[WILL] Sure do, do you?
Of course I do.
What do I look like, a kid?
All right then, game on.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Aw, that's too bad.
Someone's got a P
Check it out kid,
my eyes closed.
[BARNABY] Easy shot.
Look who else has a P.
Looks like we're all tied up.
So?
We both know you're gonna
miss this next shot.
What was that about me
missin' the next shot?
Don't tell me you're nervous.
That's 40 bucks, pay up.
20...
Nice doin' business
with ya, old timer.
Whatever, just don't
spend it all on one meal.
Buy some vegetables.
They don't know like
I know, like I know
Though like could throw
you lemons, stay up
Remember, remember that
you're livin', stay up
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Aight
Don't you stay down
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Stay up, stay up
Don't you stay
down, don't do it
Don't you stay down,
don't you stay down
Stay up
Aight
They don't know, they
don't know how it feels
Things just keep
gettin' better and better.
("GOOD TIME" BY MYNOR
G FT. ADRIAN CRUSH)
Woo
Mynor G
(LAUGHS)
A-G
Let's have a good time now
Oh oh, oh oh
Uh uh
Oh oh, oh oh
Yeah
I've been havin' a
bad day all week, man
One.
Two, three.
6:00 a.m. in the morning
13, 14.
Alarm goes on, turn it
off 'cause it's annoyin'
$15.
Where I left off in my dream
Donald Trump was my slave
And I was treated
like a king
Uh uh
But I just can't go back
I toss and I turn but
I just can't go back
So, I stood up on my feet
And I grabbed a bite to eat
Put on clothes,
grab a sweater
Mama, later, I'm out
So peace out, Ma
So, I got this good feelin'
Good weather, good times
Time to be chillin'
I just need some
time killing
And a girl to be willing
To have fun for one night
Before them legs
begin splittin'
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Roll it up, drink it
up until the sun rise
Feelin' good, got a
bad chick on my side
Party up, oh, oh
Let's have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Roll it up, drink it up,
let's have a good time
Oh oh, oh oh
Gonna have a good time
Roll it up, drink it
up until the sun rise
Feeling good, got a
bad chick on my side
Roll it up, drink it up,
let's have a good time
(GROANS)
I'm so hungry.
I'll bet they'll
have food there.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC)
[NOAH] Barnaby?
Barnaby, is that you?
(SIGHS)
Actually, it's Arnie.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait,
are you livin' out of your car?
Why would you think that?
Dude, aw dude,
no, check this out.
He's livin' out of his car.
It's Arnie, and I never said
I was living out of my car.
[CHRIS] Damn
bro, what happened?
It's none of your business.
Well look, Noah and I are
insurance brokers downtown now.
Yeah, nothin' too fancy
though, corner office.
[CHRIS] Six-figure salary.
We get to go home
to an actual home.
But hey, you know what,
Barnaby, you're livin' the life.
Yeah, no commitments,
nothin' to tie ya down.
And at least you
get to travel, right?
(LAUGHING)
Really, six figures?
Yeah man, six figures.
Just so you know, when
people make six figures,
they don't count the
numbers after the decimal,
and insurance brokers,
wow, I'm impressed.
(SLOW CLAPPING)
So what, they had
like an internship
for special ed graduates
or did they wanna diversify
the sexual orientation,
so they hired your two homos?
Hey, hey, hey.
Relax man, he's not worth it.
We're not gay.
When you're ready
to tie the knot,
I know the perfect
wedding planner.
[CHRIS] No, screw you.
I appreciate the
offer, but no thanks.
You know what, enjoy
sleepin' in your car tonight,
Barnaby.
Hey Gisele, does Tom Brady
know you're cheatin' on
him with Forest Whitaker?
(UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC)
Arnie, is that you?
Madison?
(GIGGLES)
How have you been?
Did you just get here?
Actually, I was just leaving.
Oh, me too.
Really, didn't it just start.
Yeah, but I wasn't
really feeling the DJ, so.
Yeah, me too, he was terrible.
It was actually a woman DJ.
Wait, did you not go inside?
No, well, I was going to,
but then I ran into
Noah and Chris,
and I forgot that they
have crushes on me,
so I didn't want to
awkwardly deal with them
making passes at me all night.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Oh, I'm in the process
of moving right now.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, my last two
roommates were real dicks.
Plus, you know, they're old
and they were always
tellin' me what to do.
You know, besides, I
thought my girlfriend
would take me more seriously
if I lived on my own.
Y-you have a girlfriend?
Well, I had one,
but I feel that
we'll get back together
once I get my own place.
Oh, I see.
Well, I-I hope it works
out between the two of you.
Yeah, I hope so too.
Well, uh, I have to get going,
but maybe we can chat some
more over coffee sometime?
Yeah, that-that'd be great.
[MADISON] Okay.
Oh, I'm on Facebook.
Oh, I actually
don't have Facebook.
What, why?
Uh, I was always getting
friend requests from weirdos
and like people poking me
and that porn that was
popping up on my timeline.
I know, right?
It's like, what, this hot
chick wants to be my friend,
and then you click
on her profile
and you see her account
was made yesterday,
and the porn, it's
like, whoa bro,
I got enough porn
on other sites,
I don't need it on Facebook.
Then you're at work or
a kid's birthday party
scrollin' through your
Facebook feed bored as hell,
and then bam, big ol' P in a
V. It's like, bing, bing, bing,
and then all of a sudden, your
boss or a little kid sees it.
Before you know it, you're
sittin' front row center
at your own intervention.
People are cryin' because
your sex addiction's
hurtin' everyone, and yeah.
Yeah.
So, how we gonna
stay in touch?
Uh, the old-fashioned way.
What, writin' letters?
(CHUCKLES)
No, give me your hand.
(RUMMAGES)
Oh-oh.
On the phone, smart.
Letters are way too slow.
I know.
Well, uh, actually
have to get going,
but see you soon, yeah?
Yeah.
(GRUMBLING)
Ah.
Yeah.
Yeah, all you can eat.
All you can eat, yeah.
(GRUMBLING)
(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)
(CANS CLANGING)
(CANS CLANGING)
Hey, get back here!
Dear Barnaby, your
dad and I figured
you'd spend all the money
we gave you by now on junk,
so here's a little
more to get you by.
P.S. this is the last
money we're giving you.
P.P.S. the P.S. was your
dad again, love mom and dad.
(KNOCKING)
Go away, nobody's home.
[MOM] Come on, Henry, can't
we just see if he's okay.
[DAD] You're
always babying him.
This is why he is the way he is.
[MOM] What if he's hurt?
[DAD] Oh, he's
fine, now come on.
Love you too.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Ugh!
Uh!
(HUMMING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Hm.
This is quite the impressive
resume you have here, Barnaby.
Please, call me Arnie.
All right, Arnie.
This is quite the
impressive resume.
Thank you, sir.
On thing though, it says here
you were a game developer
for Atari from 1980 to '84.
Exactly how old are you?
It says 1980 on there?
[OFFICE MANAGER]
That's correct.
Uh, just a second, 30, 34,
42, 43, I'm 44.
Wow, really, you don't
look a day over 29.
Well, unfortunately, you're-
you're a bit
overqualified for the job,
but thank you for coming in.
Let me just cross off
a few of these here.
Uh, huh.
(MUMBLES)
And there we go.
I think you'll find
I'm just the right
amount of qualified now.
I like your style,
but I'm afraid someone with
your amount of experience
would just get bored.
But I'll keep your
resume on file,
and if something should come
up, I'll give you a call.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
It says that
you were on a team
that developed a
vaccine for SARS?
Is that what it says?
Uh, yup, right there.
Yeah.
Well then, yes, I
was on that team.
Mm-hmm, it was a
lotta long days,
about five of them to be exact.
Wait, you cured
SARS in five days?
That's what I just said.
You know, I remember
the day I cured SARS.
I was like, guys,
I think I got it.
I think I got the cure.
And they were like, no way,
and I was like, yes way,
and then I showed them the
cure, and they were like, nice,
except for Jessica, she
was a little jealous,
so she was like, psh, whatever.
Anyway, we went out in public,
then started stickin'
needles in people
and just like that,
SARS is cured.
Just like that.
Yeah, just like that.
So, you just went out
and started sticking
needles in people?
Um, yeah, I mean, how do
you think people get vaccines?
(LAUGHS)
Um, I don't know,
doctors' appointments.
Oh yeah, well,
you could do that,
but SARS was spreading fast,
and we were under
emergency protocol.
Right.
Um, I'm actually gonna have
to get back to you on the job,
um, but you don't mind if I
hang onto your resume, do you?
So, I can show everyone.
I mean, it's not every
day the guy who cured SARS
comes into your work, right?
Yeah.
It's cool, I have copies.
(BEEPING)
Wish I had a life of my own
("WISH I HAD A LIFE"
BY WHISKEY GLASS EYE)
Livin' through the
people I see on TV
There's always somethin'
better where they are
And I can't see reverse
but still I seen so far
(KNOCKING)
Yeah, I don't care!
I'm gonna leave the toilet
seat up if I want to, Sharon!
Yes?
I'm here about the job.
I saw in the paper
you're hiring.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Do you know how to
rake and bag leaves?
Huh, doesn't everyone?
Can you start today?
Today?
I mean, tomorrow's
actually better.
Today's good, I can do today.
All right, here.
This is the address.
(SCRIBBLING)
Be there in one hour
and change your clothes.
Sharon, for the last time, I
don't know whose urine that is!
All right, what I need you to do
is to rake and bag this whole
entire section of the park.
Can you do that?
That's gonna take forever.
Well, it looks like you
better get started then, huh?
Why don't I do just
a small area today,
like that parkin' lot?
That's a parkin' lot!
It has no grass on it!
Well, there's a little
grass right there,
and then I'll do
the rest tomorrow.
No, what I need you
to do is to rake and bag
this section of the park.
Take this, I gotta take a piss.
(MUMBLING)
Well, this is just stupid.
Well, he never said nothin'
about not takin' a break.
(SNICKERING)
Hey, hey, wake up.
Wake up, time to go.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Oh, before you go, don't
leave without your pay.
This is a dollar,
I was here all day.
Uh huh, you earned every cent
of it, sleepin' on the job!
What time do we
start tomorrow?
You don't start tomorrow.
We got tomorrow off?
No, we don't got tomorrow off.
You don't work for me anymore!
You're fired!
You can't fire
me, dude, I quit.
Cool.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
[MADISON] Hey.
[BARNABY] Hey.
[MADISON] So,
what are you up to?
[BARNABY] You know,
just lookin' for a job.
Is that your resume?
Yeah.
[MADISON] Can I see it?
Sure.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
You've seriously been
applying to jobs with this?
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Everything on here's made up.
Well, so?
Every-Everyone makes up
somethin' on their resume.
Yeah, but when they do,
they make sure it
sounds plausible.
It says here you're a crash
test dummy for three years,
an Olympic torch holder,
a henchman, which even
if that were a real job,
I don't know why you would
put that on an application.
Why not?
A professor at Oxnard, a
Knight of the Round Table,
and a professional Rock
'Em Sock 'Em Robot fighter,
whatever that is.
Oh, it's that game
where you try and
knock the other
robot's head off.
Whatever, were you like
three when you wrote this?
If by three you mean
yesterday, then yes.
The only job on here that
sounds even remotely real
is the chef job at the
mom and pop restaurant.
Well, that's because
I actually did that,
for a few years actually.
And what happened?
They fired me
for putting strawberries
on pancakes.
They're like, Arnie,
we're not runnin' a
five-star restaurant here.
They fired you just for that?
Well, that and when
they told me not to,
I started to put
strawberries on everything,
cheeseburgers, chicken
strips, homeless people,
small children, you name it,
I put strawberries on it,
so technically, that's probably
the real reason they fired me.
Got it.
So, why haven't you tried to
look for another cooking job.
I mean, being a chef somewhere
sounds like kind of a big deal.
I don't know, it's just
not what I thought it'd be.
Do you have any
idea what it's like
to have a culinary degree and
then end up working at a place
where the fanciest
thing on the menu
is a grilled cheese and ham?
It's terrible.
Yeah, sounds like
a total nightmare.
I'm being serious.
I went to school with dreams
of doing amazing things,
making food that
looked like art,
being on the cover of one of
those stupid chef magazines,
and now I don't even
have a place to stay.
You're living out of your car?
Yeah.
Kind of already knew.
Really?
(SIGHS)
Well, when Chris and Noah
entered the gymnasium
for our reunion,
they yelled out, Barnaby's
living out of his car!
So, most of our
graduating class knows.
Well, this has been the
most emotional week ever.
First, my girlfriend dumps
me, my parents kick me out,
they don't even
tell me to my face,
they just put all
my stuff in a box
and wrote me this letter.
Barnaby's bucket list.
[BARNABY] That's
the wrong letter.
One, get past
level one on Pac-Man.
(CHUCKLES)
Two, hold my breath under
water for 30 seconds.
Three, stay in a hotel room
with no parents and jump on bed.
Wow, these are quite ambitious.
For your information,
I have completed
everything on that list.
Well, except for jumpin'
on the hotel bed,
but I mean, who's gonna rent
a hotel room to a kid, right?
And yes, I'd say
for a 17-year-old,
that is extremely ambitious.
You were 17 when
you wrote this?
No, you dork,
I was like eight.
Here's the real letter.
Hold on.
Yeah, this is, this
is the right one.
Dear Barnaby, your
father and I have decided
it's time for you to do
something with your life,
and so, we're kicking you out.
I wanted to tell you in
person, but your father said
I would never go
through with it if I did
and end up letting you stay.
Sorry for putting all
your stuff outside,
but it had to be done.
P.S. no, we won't cosign
for you to get an apartment.
P.P.S. that was your dad
that wrote the first P.S.
Of course, we'll cosign for you,
but you have to get a job first.
Love mom and dad.
Your mom sounds
like a sweetheart.
Your dad sounds like
kind of an asshole.
Yeah.
Well, now I gotta get a job,
so I can get an apartment,
prove to everyone
that I'm not a loser,
and get my girlfriend back.
Well, you can start
by fixing your resume.
Get rid of all of this nonsense
and build on the one
job you actually had.
Okay, fine, I'll, yeah.
But I'm gonna need some
spending money in the meantime.
Hm, you can't
ask your parents?
They wrote another
note about that too.
[MADISON] Seriously?
Yeah.
Well, what are you
doing tomorrow night?
I was gonna, you know,
n- nothin'.
I have a friend who does
these get-togethers once a month
and she told me her
caterer just canceled.
So, maybe you could do it?
I don't know.
Oh, come on, do you
need the cash or not?
Fine.
Okay, great.
I'm gonna text you the
details, all right?
(WOMEN WHISTLING)
Whoa oh oh oh!
Woohoo!
Woo!
Woo baby!
Oh, shake it baby!
Nice butt. Ooh!
Whoa oh!
Whoa, all right!
("FATHERTIME" BY TRIN MONSTA)
I been runnin' all my life
But I always seem
to feel behind
No matter how much I hide
I'm hidin' with my own mind
All of the pots, pans,
and cooking utensils
are in the drawers
and cupboards.
Let me know if you need
help finding anything.
The guests will be
here in an hour.
Any questions?
Do you have a microwave?
A microwave?
Yeah, you know,
microwave oven.
It's a, people use
it to cook stuff.
I know what a microwave is.
What do you need it for?
Oh, well 'cause I have a
bunch of frozen TV dinners,
and how else am I gonna cook it?
I'm not usin' the oven, that's-
that's way too much work.
You're actually going
to serve my guest garbage
you got from the
frozen food section?
Relax, I'm just kidding.
I'll have the food
ready in an hour.
Um, little hint, the next
time you wanna tell a joke,
make sure it's funny first.
O-kay.
("HABANERA" FROM CARMEN)
Wow, it smells
amazing in here.
And it looks like someone's
havin' fun, look at that.
You hungry?
Duh.
Okay, all right.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
("EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK")
Tell me what you
think about this.
Be honest.
It tastes
incredible.
I mean, I figured you can cook,
but I thought it'd just be
like whatever, not like this.
This is delicious.
You have a gift.
So, when you say delicious,
do you mean delicious
when compared
to the Chef Boyardee
standard you had for me
or delicious when compared
to actual restaurants
you've eaten at?
Actual restaurants.
Nice restaurants or
like fast food joints.
Nice restaurants.
Now, will you just shut up
and take the compliment?
Yeah, all right, thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, what else do
you have to eat?
Uh, try this.
(LAUGHS)
Take the whole bite there.
Oh my god.
That is so good.
The guests are arriving,
is the food ready?
Yes, it is.
Well, come on then, bring
it out into the living room.
Right away, Mussolini.
[CHLOE] Huh?
Benito Mussolini, you
know, the French dictator.
You look French,
so I just wanted
to pick somethin' close to home.
I know who he is.
Do I look uneducated to you?
Which apparently, you are
because Benito Mussolini
was an Italian dictator.
Either way, I'm not French
or Italian, I'm English.
I was gonna say Italian.
[CHLOE] I'm sure you were.
I was, Queen Mary.
Is there some point
where you realize
that you're being obnoxious
and you stop telling
your humorless jokes?
No, he's just like
this all the time.
Luckily, I don't care
what either of you think
because my mom
thinks I'm hilarious.
Just hurry up and
bring out the food.
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
Okay, so are you gonna help me
before your friend murders me
or just keep stuffin' your face?
Oh god, Chloe
wouldn't hurt a fly.
Please, I know the face of
a murderer when I see one.
Whew!
Besides, she said
she was English.
You know who else is English?
Who?
Jack the Ripper?
I was gonna say
Charles Manson,
but yeah, I think
he's English too.
Oh, really?
Yes, now help me out with this
before I end up
on a milk carton.
Fine, you big baby.
(MIMICS HI-HAT MUSIC)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Boo!
(GASPS)
[BARNABY] Please
don't kill me, Chloe,
I'm too young to die.
What?
Really, wow.
You really are
afraid of my friend.
No!
I was just messing with ya.
I saw ya hidin' over there.
Yeah, sure you did.
Anyway, what are
you still doin' here?
Oh, I-I just forgot something
inside of Chloe's house,
so I came back to get it.
Oh yeah, well if it's
leftovers, I suggest you hurry.
I mean, there was a lotta
food still when I left,
but that was like two
or three minutes ago,
and she's all up
there by herself, so.
(LAUGHS)
It's-It's not the leftovers,
but thanks for the heads up.
Hey, um, what are
you doin' after this?
Well, I did just make $300,
so I think the
obvious answer is uh,
hittin' up the strip club.
Seriously?
Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm gonna need more money if
I'm gonna go to the strip club.
(LAUGHS)
Why, what are you doin'?
Uh, I'm-I'm not sure.
Hey, do you wanna
grab a drink with me?
Promise not to roofie it?
I can't promise that.
In that case, I'm game.
Okay, cool, um,
I'll be right back.
(UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, so, did you
have fun tonight?
Fun doin' what?
(LAUGHS)
Cooking, what
else were you doing?
Oh, you know what?
I did have fun tonight.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I could tell.
More fun than cooking those
grilled cheese and
ham sandwiches?
(LAUGHS)
I-I don't know
if I'd go that far.
You know, from time to
time, I did get pretty fancy
with those grilled cheese
and ham sandwiches.
Is that right?
Yes, ma'am.
So, what do you think?
Are you gonna give
cooking another shot?
I don't know, maybe.
Just maybe?
But.
Barnaby,
hello?
She's here.
Who's here?
My ex, Elaina.
You mean that girl that's
standing next to that hot guy.
Joking, joking, he's
not-he's not that cute.
Okay, okay, I'm not gonna
lie, he's-he's a little cute.
She sees me, she's
comin' over here.
Hey, Barnaby!
Elaina.
Wait, wait, your
name is Barney,
like the children's dinosaur?
No, it's Arnie, and
it's short for Barnaby.
Bro, you gotta introduce
me to your friends.
Are you talkin' about her?
No, your friends, you
know, Barney and Friends.
Who are you exactly?
This is my
boyfriend, Geppetto.
(SPUTTERS)
Geppetto, like,
Pinocchio Geppetto?
Yeah, that's his name.
(LAUGHS)
Is that his real name
or like a nickname?
It's my real name.
No, so on your birth
certificate, it says Geppetto?
So, your parents actually
made the conscious decision
to name you after a
fairytale character.
How's your brother Jiminy doin'?
Would you grow up?
It's okay babe, if
I was named after a
giant purple dinosaur
who sang and danced with
children, I'd be immature too.
Babe, that's cute.
How long you been
dating, a couple of days?
No, actually, me and this
beautiful slice of roast beef
have been together for
what, six months now?
Six months, but
we were still--
Who's this, your friend?
His girlfriend
actually, Madison.
And we were just leaving.
Geppetto, so nice to meet you.
Please tell the Blue
Fairy I said hello,
and Elaina, Arnie told
me you were skinny,
but wow, it's called food
have you heard of it?
You don't think I'm
too skinny, do you babe?
No, babe, you're perfect.
She doesn't know what
she's talking about.
If anything, you could
lose some weight.
So now I'm fat?
No, I'm just saying
you're not that skinny.
- Thanks.
- Babe, wait.
(UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC)
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
(MUFFLED UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC)
(CITY SOUNDS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, are you all right?
I'm fine, I just
need a minute.
Look, I don't really
know you're ex-girlfriend,
but from what I saw tonight,
she's a real piece of crap,
and if she chose that
Geppetto guy over you,
then she's definitely
not very bright either.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
I'm gonna go.
Arnie, wait.
Don't you wanna talk about it?
It-it might help.
Talk about what?
The fact that my ex-girlfriend
was cheating on me for months
with a guy who calls
her roast beef slice
and happens to be the main
character of a children's book?
Or how 'bout the fact
that I don't have a job?
Or that I live in my car?
Is that what you
wanna talk about?
'Cause I don't see how talking
is gonna change any of that.
Oh, okay, maybe not, but
it-it might help you move on
or ease the pain a little.
Face it, Madison, I'm a loser.
No amount of talking
is gonna change that.
You might as well just
stay away from me.
You're not a loser.
Goodbye Madison.
How could you be so stupid?
She was cheating on
you for six months,
and there were so many signs.
The new haircuts,
the new clothes,
the constant nagging,
having to sleep
out on the couch,
and the most obvious,
when she butt dialed
you while having sex,
and to think you
actually believed her
when she told you
that she fell asleep
while watching 15
Shades of Gray.
No woman would fall
asleep while watching
15 Shades of Gray.
You know what Elaina?
Forget you I don't
even care anymore.
(CRYING)
Elaina, I miss you so much.
(BEEPS)
Hello, hi.
Um, what's your biggest pizza?
Oh okay, can I get
three of those?
Actually make that four.
Do I sound like a ninja turtle?
Yeah, I want anchovies,
I want anchovies.
Sunny Ranch Apartments,
unit H seven, Elaina.
(BEEPS)
Hi, do you guys deliver?
Perfect, can I get 30
bowls of white rice?
Yeah, to Sunny Ranch Apartments.
Hi, can I get one of the
six-foot subs, party subs?
Ah, wait hold on.
What, you wanna get two of 'em?
Are you sure?
Okay.
Can we get, make, make that two.
Um, we're pretty
hungry over here.
Um, what's um, what'd you
got for your hot wings?
What's the biggest order?
Sixty, no that's not enough,
Lemme get three of those.
(SNORING LIGHTLY)
(CELL PHONE BUZZES)
(GROANING)
Hm
(BEEPS)
[Voicemail] You have four
new messages, first message.
[ELAINA] Seriously Barnaby,
you think you're funny?
I know it was you that
ordered the pizza.
[VOICEMAIL] End of
message, new message.
[ELAINA] Really, 30
orders of white rice?
When I see you next,
you are so dead,
you hear me, you are dead!
[VOICEMAIL] End of
message, new message.
[ELAINA] Party subs,
I take that back.
I'm not going to kill
you when I see you,
no, that's not good
enough for you.
I'm going to hurt you so bad,
you're going to
wish you were dead.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Are you freaking kidding?
(DOOR OPENS)
[DELIVERY MAN] I have a
delivery of wings for Elaina?
(DOOR CLOSES)
Argh, you better hope I
dint find you, Barnaby!
[VOICEMAIL] End of
message, new message.
[ELAINA] I'm looking at all
this food you had delivered
and I've decided I'm
gonna save it for you.
I'm going to find you,
I'm going to take
you back to my place,
and I'm going to tie you up
and make you eat all of it
until your gut explodes.
And after that happens,
I'm going to make you
keep eating until you die!
Remember that movie Seven?
Yeah, that's gonna be you,
dead in my living
room you asshole!
[VOICEMAIL] End of message,
you have no new messages.
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
(WHISTLING)
Excuse me sir, it's illegal
to be naked in public.
Come on, don't run.
(SIGHS)
Hey Madison, it's me Arnie.
I just wanted to
call and apologize
for the way I acted last night.
And uh, if you're free later,
I'll be at the basketball
court by the beach.
So uh, hope to see you there.
All right, talk
to you later, bye.
(BEEPS)
(BAG RUSTLING)
Ah, I remember you,
got you on our first
Valentine's together.
What are you so happy about?
And this, from when you said
we'd always be together.
Well, we both know
how that turned out.
(THUD)
Goodbye, Elaina.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
Nice shot, Gramps.
Ah god, not you again.
I bet I know what
you do for a living,
you're a brick layer.
Get it, a brick layer?
Yeah, I get it.
Don't you have
school or something?
It's Saturday.
Don't you have like a job
to go to or something?
It's Saturday.
So, my dad works
on a Saturday.
Yeah, I'm sure your
dad works every day
if he has to make
enough to feed you.
And I bet you have
to work two jobs
just to afford the candles
on your birthday cake.
I gotta be honest
with you kid,
I'm a little jealous of the fact
that when you go places you
get the group discount rate.
And I'm kinda jealous
that you get the senior
discount when you go places.
That's basically what I
just said but good for you.
Hey, isn't it almost 4:00?
Shouldn't you be at Costco
before they stop givin'
out all the free samples?
Shouldn't you be at home
watching silent movies?
As much as I'd
love to stand here
and do this with you all day,
I have better things
to do, so get lost.
[MADISON] Hey Arnie.
Hey, I want sure if
you got my message.
Wait, you know this guy?
Are you Arnie's friend?
Who him, you think
I'm his friend?
He wishes.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm Will, but you can
call me whatever you want.
Nice to meet you
Will, I'm Madison.
Hey, whoa, whoa, get your
grubby little hands off of her.
Whoa, don't be jelly, bro.
Yeah Arnie, don't be jelly.
I'm not jel-I'm
not jealous all right?
Wait, is this old
timer your boyfriend?
Would you get lost?
Fine I'll go,
but if you need me,
I'll be on the bleachers
in the winners' section.
Cool, now leave.
You have no idea how
annoying that kid is.
Yeah well, he seems
like he likes you.
Oh, I think he likes
you a little bit more.
(LAUGHS)
Do you know how
to play basketball?
Maybe you should
stick to cooking.
Aha, someone
thinks they're funny.
Let's see you do better.
Lucky shot.
Oh yeah?
Still think it was lucky?
How 'bout a little one-on-one?
Oh, are you sure you
wanna lose to a girl?
You know I don't
wanna embarrass you.
Oh I don't think I'm the one
that's gonna be
gettin' embarrassed.
Okay, you wanna
make this interesting?
How so?
If I win, you're gonna let me
fix that ridiculous resume
you've been handing out.
Fine, but if I win,
you have to help me
Saran wrap Elaina's car.
Okay, done deal, but
I get the ball first.
Hey wait I wasn't ready.
Doesn't matter, one zero,
first one to get to 11 wins.
I got 20 bucks on the girl.
[BARNABY] Woo!
Tss, we'll take that action.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Can you even throw
the ball that far?
I don't know, let's find out.
Oh, what, two points!
Next point wins.
Ha, gay!
(GROANS)
Whew, and that's game.
Hey grandpa, thanks,
you just won me 20 bucks!
(GROANS)
Hey, I wanna say
sorry for last night.
Aw, you don't
have to apologize.
I probably would have
acted the same way
if I found out my ex
that I just broke up with
was cheating on me while
I was still with them.
Still I mean, I shouldn't
have taken it out on you.
Yeah you're kind of a dick.
You're just lucky I'm so cool.
You know, most girls would
have blown you off by now.
Well you're just
lucky that I'm so cool.
Most guys wouldn't let a girl
beat them in a
game of basketball,
especially not with their
reputation on the line.
Would you give it up?
We both know you
didn't let me win.
That's what'll help
you sleep at night.
Okay, lets play
again right now.
- Right now?
- Yes, right now.
I don't know, I'm still a
little tired from the last game.
How about we do it nother day?
Okay, either you admit that
I beat you fair and square,
or we're gonna play
again right now.
Fine, lets go again,
but don't expect me
to go easy on you.
Fine, just don't expect
me to go easy on you either.
Wait, you were
goin' easy on me?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
You do realize you'd have
to be like 1,500 years old
to have some of the
jobs you listed?
I know, I look pretty
good for my age, right?
I'm like, Brendan Fraser...
Tom Cruise.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
(TYPING)
So if you had to get rid of
one holiday, what would it be?
[MADISON] Only one?
[BARNABY] Mm-hmm.
Easy, Valentine's Day.
Ah, a romantic, why's that?
Well, for starters, I
already know I'm single,
I don't need a national
holiday reminding me.
And even if I wasn't,
I'm only a month and a
half away from New Year's,
I haven't broken my
resolution to lose weight yet
and then here we are with
a holiday where I get
showered with chocolate
gifts, ya know?
What about you?
I'd have to say
Valentine's Day too for me,
but for different reasons.
You see I am terrible
at giving gifts.
One year, because I
know how important
personal hygiene is to women,
I got Elaina
deodorant, mouthwash,
hair removal gel, and a
feminine freshness kit.
You know, for her um.
Yeah, no, I got it.
Well, she was pissed,
and then the next year,
I got her the morning after pill
with a little note that said
this is for tomorrow.
She, she hated that too.
(SIGHS)
Yeah I wonder why?
Yeah, and then most recently,
I took her to a special
screening of Unfaithful.
Really?
That's kind of ironic
of you think about it.
Yeah, no wonder she
kept lookin' at me weird
the whole time, ah.
She probably thought
you were on to her.
Luckily she doesn't know
how dumb you really are.
Funny, heh, ha, ha.
Now would you focus please?
This resume isn't
gonna fix itself.
I know, that's why I got you.
Well, you wanted to do it.
Right, I realize that
but had I known at the time
that I'd be doing all the work
I would have asked
for something else.
Hm.
Is the degree
in culinary real,
or did you make those up to?
Yes it's real, I'm not
a complete loser, jeez.
Well, I'm sorry but it's hard
to take any degree seriously
when it's listed after
your degrees in law,
nuclear engineering,
politics, economics,
and adventure.
You know, I actually
can't believe
you put you earned a
degree in adventure,
wait you do know that's
not a real degree, right?
(CHUCKLES)
Looks like the
jokes on you Madison,
turns out that adventure
is a real degree.
Really?
Yeah, I looked it
up on the internet.
Huh, and how does one
earn a degree in adventure?
Well isn't it obvious?
By going on adventures.
Ya know, I'm sorry
I asked, delete.
Aw.
(TYPING)
(GROANS)
So, favorite quarterback?
All-time or currently playing?
Currently playing.
Easy, Tom Brady.
Tom Brady?
Over Drew Brees,
Aaron Rodger, Manning?
And no, not Eli.
Seriously?
Seriously, what?
Tom Brady's made six
Super Bowl appearances,
he's tied with Joe Montana
for Super Bowl wins
and not to mention, he's
been to the Pro Bowl
11 times and NFL MVP twice.
Yeah.
So, I expanded your duties
at the mom and pop restaurant,
and I highlighted your
culinary training and degree,
and I've added myself and
a friend as a reference.
Hm.
Chloe, the serial killer?
Yes, her.
She hates me.
I'm not gonna get a job
if they call her up.
Relax, she's not
gonna say anything bad.
When I went back to
get my stuff I forgot,
she wouldn't stop talking about
how much she loved your food.
Okay, well, if
I turn up missing,
you know who to have the
police question first, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
All right, so I'm gonna
print some of these off
when I get home, and then
I'll give 'em to you later?
Cool.
So, you ready
to have some fun?
What did you have in mind?
Is that what I think it is?
Uh huh.
Remind me never
to make you mad.
No, you dork.
Like this, see, roll
it from underneath,
so it doesn't get stuck.
- Oh.
- See?
My bad.
I didn't realize
you were an expert.
So uh, you Saran wrap
a lotta cars or what?
A few.
Serious?
Yes, now come on, we
have to go under the car
and then over the roof.
Obviously.
Ah.
It's my friend's wedding,
and I thought we'd surprise
her with an early wedding gift.
Keep goin'.
All right, let's go hide and
wait for her to come out.
Okay.
There.
Sorry.
Ding, ding, pow.
So, you gonna tell me
about those other cars
you Saran wrapped?
Nope.
Come on, was it ex-boyfriends?
Ex-girlfriends?
It doesn't matter.
I knew it, ex-girlfriends.
Right on.
It was an ex-boyfriend, okay?
Found out he had
a wife and a son.
Just leave it alone.
All right, so a
what, you Saran wrapped
both his and his wife's car?
(LAUGHS)
You know, you can be a
little stupid sometimes.
Only sometimes.
Did you just accidentally
give me a compliment?
Shh, here she comes.
Barnaby!
You're dead next time I see you!
(LAUGHING)
Barnaby, is that you?
Get over here so I
can kick your ass.
(GIGGLING)
(GROANING)
(SNORING LIGHTLY)
(CLACKING)
What the?
[THIEF] Ooh!
(LAUGHING)
Were you just trying
to break into my car?
No, this is your car?
I thought it was mine.
You have the same car?
What kinda car is this then?
SUV.
I meant make
and model, genius.
Uh, Ford?
No.
Chevy?
Okay, now you're
just guessing.
Hey, some people don't know
what kind of car
they drive, right?
Uh, I guess.
Wait a second, don't I know you?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
No.
You're the asshole that stole
my bag of cans and ran off.
Hey, you mistook
me for someone else.
No, I know it's you.
You're wearin' that same
silly pants and everything!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What's that?
I can still see you.
Uh, no, you can't.
Yes.
No?
Whatever dude, just
stay away from my car!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Excuse me, sir.
This is the second
time I tell you
it's illegal to be
naked in public.
We're gonna have to take you in.
Quit resisting,
you're under arrest!
(BARNABY GROANS)
Is he resisting?
He sure is.
Looks like we're
gonna have to tase him!
No, I'm not resisting.
(ELECTRICAL SNAPPING)
(BARNABY GROANING)
(OFFICER LAUGHS)
(ELECTRICAL SNAPPING)
(OFFICER CHUCKLES)
(CLACKING)
(UPBEAT BASS MUSIC)
Thanks for bailin' me out.
No problem.
Nice clothes.
(MADISON WHISTLES)
It's all they had.
What happened to your clothes?
Did they not give 'em back?
I wasn't wearing any
clothes when they arrested me.
What?
You were naked?
If naked means I wasn't
wearing any clothes,
then yeah, I was naked.
What happened?
Wait, why were you naked
and what did you'd
do to get arrested?
Well apparently,
they have a law
against showering
naked in public.
Stupid, right?
Why have a shower
in a public place
if you can't take a
naked shower under it?
You mean beach showers?
Because I'm pretty sure you're
only supposed to use those
to like get sand
off of your body.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, good news, I
sent off your resume
to a couple of restaurants
that were looking for a chef.
One of 'em messaged me back
and they want you to
come in for an interview.
Cool.
Don't sound too excited.
I just don't think I'm gonna
make it to that interview.
Why?
Well, I told you already,
I don't really wanna
be a chef anymore.
But you're good at it.
And this isn't gonna be
like the last job you had.
Their menu is amazing,
I made sure of it.
I know you're gonna like it.
It's not that.
Then what is it?
It's, uh, you ever,
you ever just think
that you'd be further
along in your life
when you got to this age.
I mean, look how old we are.
I thought when I got this
old, I'd have a house, wife,
kids, an actual career I can
be proud of, but look at me.
If I take this job,
they'll most likely start
me off at a low position,
and I'll waste even more time
tryin' to move my way up,
and I'll be in the
same place I was in
when I graduated
from high school.
And then, what if
that doesn't work out?
I don't wanna be 40
livin' out of my car
tryin' to figure out
what to do with my life.
(SIGHS)
I don't think anybody
has it figured out, Arnie.
You think having a good job
and a house and
family'd change that?
Because I know a lot of
people who have those things,
and they're just as
confused as you are.
I highly doubt that.
Everything always looks
better from the outside in.
You know what you should
do with your life?
Something that you love.
What is it that you love, Arnie?
I guess I do like to cook.
Then cook.
You know, most people
spend their life
searching for something
they love, and you found it.
So in my book, you're
way ahead of the rest.
You do have a point.
Uh, yeah.
What is it that you like to do?
Me,
I like to eat.
(CHUCKLES)
So, I guess that makes
us the perfect pair.
I guess we are.
Speaking of food, I am starving.
The prison food was terrible.
Do you wanna get somethin'?
Yeah, I'd like that.
(LAUGHS)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CHOP)
(CHOPPING)
(CHOPPING)
(CHOPPING)
Thanks for comin' with me.
Hey, relax, you're
gonna do fine.
You think so?
I know so.
I don't know.
It's been a long time since
I've cooked at this level.
Maybe we should just go.
Look at me, Arnie.
You're an amazing cook, and
you're gonna go in there,
and they're gonna see that,
and they're gonna love you.
Maybe.
Would you stop dong that?
Doing what?
Stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
I don't feel sorry for myself.
Yes, you do, all
the time, actually.
It's not that I feel
sorry for myself, it's just,
I don't know if I'm good enough.
And I don't wanna go in there
and make a fool outta myself.
But Arnie, you
are good enough.
Oh, maybe.
(SIGHS)
Look, you can have all
the talent in the world,
but if you don't
believe in yourself,
it really doesn't
matter, does it?
And maybe you go in there
and totally screw up,
but who cares?
At least you went in
there and found out
instead of spending the rest
of your life wondering what if.
You know, you can be quite
persuasive when you want to be.
I know.
Um, my driver-side
door is broken,
so I have to.
Oh, yeah, that's cool.
Sorry.
It's all good.
(DOOR OPENS)
Got it?
(GROANS)
There ya go.
- You good?
- [BARNABY] Yeah.
[MADISON] Okay.
Why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself?
Well, my name is Barnaby,
but everyone calls me Arnie,
and I recently broke
up with my girlfriend
who I later found out
had been cheatin' on me
for the last six months.
What I meant to say is,
I love to cook, and after
graduating culinary school,
I got a terrible job at
a terrible restaurant,
nothing like this place,
this place is great,
and I forgot how
much I love to cook,
but then recently, a really
amazing friend of mine
reminded me of how
much I love it.
Heat, the smell, the art,
watching people's faces light
up when they taste your food,
and so here I am.
What do you know
about our restaurant?
Well, I know you're open from
11:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Sunday through Monday,
open until midnight
Friday and Saturday,
have been voted best local
restaurant three years running,
have a menu consisting
of 60% Italian dishes,
and are located
in a part of town
that receives a lot of
high-end consumer foot traffic.
Well done, you've
done your homework.
You're damn right I did.
Well now, in front of you
are several ingredients.
I want you to write
me a menu and cook it.
You have 30 minutes
starting from now.
(CHATTERING)
Yes?
Is menu with one n or two?
Just kiddin', I know it's two.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CHATTERING)
Ha, you can put
your hands down now.
Right.
So, what do you think?
For someone who can't spell
menu, that's quite good.
I know there's only one n.
And no e on the end.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I've got one
more interview,
but you should be
hearing from me soon.
Awesome.
Thank you.
So, got a little bored
while I was waiting,
and I was digging
through your stuff,
and I found your
autograph football.
Oh yeah?
It's cool, right?
Yeah.
It took me like two weeks
to forge the signatures.
I bet.
So?
How'd it go in there?
Uh, she has one other
person to interview,
uh, but it looks
like I got the job.
Really?
Yeah, well, I mean, she's
gonna call me tomorrow.
See?
And you didn't
wanna go in there.
Yeah, yeah.
(MADISON LAUGHS)
Let's go celebrate.
Okay.
Where do you wanna go?
I have a place in mind.
Get in, I'll drive.
("COULD BE LOVE"
BY FRENCHY MADE)
Saying that you love me
Saying that you need me
But do you really want me
Like you know, know, know
Saying that you love me
Saying that you need me
But do you really want me
Like you know, know, know
When you comin' home
I'm sitting home alone
Baby, it's 4:00 a.m.
Oh, I gotta be honest.
When I woke up this morning,
I did not see my
day ending here.
Is that right?
You, uh, didn't see
your day ending with you
crossing off the final
thing from your bucket list?
Oh.
That's what this is about?
(CHUCKLES)
I thought we were gonna--
Oh, I know what you thought.
So, you wanna come
up here and join me?
Yes.
Maybe it's love
(LAUGHS)
To be loved
(GROANS)
Saying that you love me
Saying that you need me
But do you really want me
Like you know, know, know
Oh, when I was a kid,
I thought this was
gonna be a lot more fun.
Yeah, uh, I guess it has lost
some of its fun
over the years, huh?
So, what do you wanna do?
Well, I still have some
of the money left over
from when I cooked
for your friend.
How 'bout we pig
out on room service?
Thought you'd never ask.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
[BARNABY] Okay, you
gotta try this one.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh my god, that is terrible.
I know, right?
Hm, why would you
make me taste that?
You're the one
that ordered it.
Ugh.
So,
I don't think I ever
told you thanks.
For what?
For everything.
I don't know where I'd be
right now if it wasn't for you.
It's no problem.
I'm sure you would've
done the same for me.
Yeah.
What?
Nothin'.
Tell me.
It's just,
I've never seen someone
eat food without chewing.
(LAUGHS)
I know you can do it, I've
just never seen it done before.
Okay, shut up.
Ah, I was just jokin'.
Yeah, sure.
So, whatever happened to that
married guy you were datin'?
Were you two
together for a while?
Um, yeah, we were,
we were together
for quite some time.
Like a few months?
Two years.
He was married the whole time
and you didn't figure
that out for two years?
What about women's
intuition and all that?
I'm sorry, continue.
Um, (SIGHS)
well, the whole
time we were dating,
I was always busy working and
I was taking night classes.
Um, we didn't see
each other that much.
I mean, I always figured
he was hiding something,
but I also thought maybe I
was just imagining things.
How'd you find out
about his wife and kids?
That was by accident really.
Um, I was out with
a friend somewhere
and um, there he was,
across the street
at a little cafe
with his wife and son,
and they looked like
a regular family.
I mean, they looked so happy,
and he looked over
at me at one point,
and then he went back
to talking to his wife
and playing with his son,
like he didn't even
know who I was.
What a real sack of shit.
So, what'd you do?
Did you tell his wife?
Key his car?
Egg his house?
(CHUCKLES)
No.
Uh
(SIGHS)
I just deleted
him from my phone,
and I've been single ever since.
You know, I didn't even tell
my friends what happened.
I, uh, I was too embarrassed.
You're actually the first
person I've ever told.
Well, this night
has really taken a turn
for Depressionville.
Oh, well, you're the one
who asked me about my ex.
Well, I just didn't know
you were gonna make it
sound so sad, you know?
Oh, oh, okay.
Um, was-was I supposed
to make it sound happy?
Well, you could made
it a little more happier.
I'm sorry,
I'm gonna stop talking
now and go take a shower.
It's been a while
since I've taken shower
in an actual bathroom.
Okay, so, yeah,
I'll be in the shower.
Did you want one?
(BUZZING)
Hey, Madison, you really gotta
try this shower before we leave.
It's got one of those
shower heads with the hoses,
so you can get all
up in your spaces.
It's really quite amazing.
Hey, Madison, did
you hear what I said?
Got one of those shower
heads with the, uh.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hello.
(MADISON SIGHS)
This is him.
Really?
No, that's great news.
Where at?
When would you want
me to be there by?
Yes, I can be there then.
No, thank you.
Bye.
Madison?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I got the job.
They wanna hire me as head chef.
I start Monday.
What?
That's great, Arnie.
What's wrong, why
do you look so sad?
They want me to move.
Far.
How-how far?
Seattle.
(SIGHS)
That is far.
Tell me about it.
Well, it sounds like
a great opportunity.
You should definitely go for it.
I mean it is, but, uh.
But what?
I don't know, it's
just really far.
Head chefs take
vacations, right?
Yeah.
Then you can always
come and visit.
I guess so.
(SIGHS)
So, when do you have to leave?
I should probably leave by,
well, I should probably leave
in the next couple of hours
if I'm gonna be there by Monday.
Yeah, you should
probably get to it, then.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Would you stop looking so sad?
This is good news.
I guess you're right.
So, this is real, you're-
you're really moving?
Yeah Dad, I'm really movin'.
I told you we should
never have kicked him out.
Now, we're never
gonna see him again.
Relax Mom, I'll
be back to visit.
Promise?
Yes, every chance I get.
All right, well
give your mom a hug.
[BARNABY] Goodbye, Mom.
No, this is not goodbye.
This is, this is see ya later.
All right, see ya later, Mom.
All right, I have to go in
before the neighbors see me cry.
(MOM SIGHS)
So, tell me more about
this friend of yours.
Who, Madison?
Eh, is that the
name of the girl
who's uh, dancing to
music in your car?
Yeah, that's her.
She's amazing.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well hey, if it doesn't
work out in Seattle,
or if you wanna
stick around here
and give it another
shot for any reason,
you're welcome to move back in.
Thanks, Dad.
Besides, your mom's driving
me crazy without you here.
Give your old man a hug.
I need to go check on your mom.
- Okay
- [DAD] Hm.
("ON F.I.R.E." BY
TONEZ THE PRINCE)
On on on
We on fire
We on fire
Girl, we on on
on on on on on
We on fire
We on fire
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MADISON CLEARS THROAT)
(MADISON SIGHS)
(MADISON LAUGHS)
[BARNABY] Hold on a second.
[MADISON] This is getting,
nice really, really Arnie?
(BARNABY SIGHS)
Wow.
Well, uh,
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I guess this is goodbye.
No goodbyes,
only see ya later.
(SIGHS)
That's funny.
That's what my mom just said.
Your mom sounds
like a smart woman.
Yeah.
Well, um, I'll call
you when I get there.
Let you know how everything is.
If that's okay with you.
Yeah, I'd-I'd like that.
All right.
Well,
I guess I should be going.
See ya later, Arnie.
Madison.
Yeah?
I'll see ya later.
Later.
(KEYS JANGLE)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(DOOR OPENS)
I noticed you
forgot a signature,
and don't worry, I let a
little air out of your ball
to make it more realistic.
(PAPERS MOVING)
Dear Future Employer,
what can I say
other than I love to cook,
and I mean I really love it.
Put me in the kitchen and I
light up like a Christmas tree.
Madison, you're such a dork.
And the food I put on the
plate, it's phenomenal.
I promise that if you
give me the opportunity
to show you what I can
do, I won't let you down.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(PHONE JINGLES)
[MADISON] You did this for me?
What?
Oh no, it's for one
of your neighbors.
They should be comin'
out any moment.
Smart ass.
Wait, what about the job?
About that, I
thought about it,
and do I really
wanna live in a place
where the NFL team mascot
isn't even a real bird?
You passed up a job
because of a mascot.
Well, that and you.
("FALLIN HARD" BY FRENCHY MADE)
So, does that
mean you like me?
Well, I don't know if
I'd go as far to say like.
What's between like and loathe?
Would you shut up
and kiss me already?
Champagne sippin' in the
parking lot, I'm waitin'
To leave for a night on
the town with my baby
Gold, diamonds,
he's drippin'
Those lips I'm, I'm kissin'
Slicked back hair
Before we go any further,
I should probably put
those candles out.
Yeah, we should
definitely do that
before your car catches on fire.
What were you thinking
setting up candles
inside of your car anyway?
Oh, I don't know, I
thought it was romantic.
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love me now
Would you tell me, baby
That you'll hold me,
that you'll hold me down
'Cause I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Yes, I'm fallin hard for you
Ooooo
Lovers, will die, but
we live for each other
Won't tell 'em lies,
when we love one another
My eyes closed, I'm shakin'
My walls down, I'm breakin'
'em down to the ground
Like a hurricane hit me
Storm raged 'round,
my heart's the city
I love the way you open
up my world and mind
Skies are painted
pink it's al redefined
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love me now
Would you tell me, baby
That you'll hold me,
that you'll hold me down
'Cause I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Yes, I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
In a place where
time is ticking
Where were grow
old, will you settle
Will you love hard,
would you choose me
Through the darkness,
through our battles
And will you say
that, that you love me
In front of everybody
Would you tell them
that you're mine
We'll cross the finish line
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love now
Would you tell me, baby
That you'll hold me,
that you'll hold me down
'Cause I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Yes, I'm fallin'
hard for you
Ooooo
Would you tell me, baby
That you love me,
that you love me now