3 Geezers! (2013) Movie Script
1
Yo! What up, dawg?
Yo, yo, yo,
diggity, yo!
Yo, yo, yiggity-yo!
Yo, yo, yiggity-do.
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Yo-yo?
Oh, yeah, yeah, you better check yourself
before you wreck yourself, because
that girl ain't nothing but trouble.
Listen, this cock-a-doodle
do not do it that way.
This cock-a-doodle-do
don't doodle-do that way.
This cock-a-doodle-do
don't do that way.
Geez, Peaches...
shut your fuckin' pie-hole.
Listen, home-skillet,
I need some chedda',
to take my girl out,
candy slack.
I think the scene is about...
uh, that, uh...
The scene is about...
a girl and a...
I think it's a comedy about a bunch of older cockers
in a retirement home, that's what it's about.
Hi, my name is J Kimball,
I'm an actor.
Hopefully, you actually knew that already,
otherwise, uh...
I don't know... have a little
chat with my agent, I guess.
Recently, I was asked to play a character...
who ages into his mid-80's, in a new comedy
which I think is entitled "Do Not Not Resuscitate."
So, I gave it a good read, as I always do, and uh...
it's terrible.
Terrible.
The dialogue is bland, the
characters are under-developed,
the plot... a piece of crap.
Honey?
- Then I had a second thought.
- Are you ready to go?
Did I mention that it was
written by my brother-in-law?
My darling wife's adorable baby brother?
Turn that thing off.
- I'm working.
- You haven't seen her in 6 months.
Honey, I'm busy here.
- You promised.
- Your project.
Your mother!
Just let me... give me...
So I got a choice.
I can do the movie, or...
suffer the consequences.
You married guys know
what I'm talking about.
Obviously, I'm doing the movie.
And, since I have no idea what
it's like to be 85 years old,
I'm gonna need to do more research than usual.
And I figured I'd invite you
all along to suffer with me.
The only question is,
am I gonna do that research
where my mother is,
at the Nancy Gaye...
Why-the-hell-don't-you-visit-me-more-often
Nursing Home...
or... at The Coconuts Convalescent Home,
conveniently located across the street
from my favorite casino?
Shuffle up and deal.
This is for your own personal use, correct?
Yeah, yeah. I always like to do research,
makes the characters I play more real
for me, you know?
And hopefully for the audience as well.
It's, uh... usually just gonna
be Bob here, y' know,
couple of guys on the crew.
Em, sometimes I'll just shoot myself,
and sometimes we'll both shoot, at the same time.
But don't worry about them.
They're.. they're non-union.
Oh. Good.
Though I am happy to sign a
release, or a contract...
No, that won't be necessary.
Uh, so tell me... how
long have you been the
Activities Director here?
At The Coconuts? Well, uh,
I haven't always been an administrator.
Life... is but a walking shadow.
A poor player that...
struts and frets...
his hour upon the stage,
and then...
is heard no more.
You're an actor.
I'm between roles.
Oh, now, I know how that goes.
When was your last gig?
November.
- Well, that's not so...
- 1998.
Listen, what I...
just really wanna
kinda get out of all this, is uh...
an overall feel for
what it's like here
for the old people.
You know? Um, do they get visitors?
Do they get exercise?
Uh... What gets them up?
In the morning, you know?
And, indeed, can they still...
get it up?
How do old people get around?
Well, first off...
we don't like to call them
"old people."
They're just people,
like you and me, only
old.
- I can't find my glasses!
- They're on top of your head.
Oh, they're on top of my head.
You didn't mention how long you will be with us.
A couple of weeks.
Splendid!
So, the idea here at The Coconuts is
to make our residents feel at home.
Of course, we try to keep things interesting,
mix it up a bit.
In many respects, it's a lot
more fun than how they lived
before coming here.
Yes, sure! I see that, uh...
Thursday is cherry pie day.
I'm also very excited
about a new event we have
scheduled for next month.
We're putting on our first "talent show".
So they, uh, still have the energy
to compete this late in life?
Oh well, yeah. I don't like to
speak in clichs, you know,
"never too late" and all that,
but, uh... you'd be surprised.
And, I might add,
uh, reassured
by what some of them still can do.
- But, but, but... she's my niece!
- Yeah, I can see the resemblance.
- I only need one more minute.
- Yes, well your niece will have to come back
at regular visiting hours.
I hope you wore a condom.
Condoms? We ain't got no condoms.
We don't need no condoms.
I don't have to show you stinking condoms!
You do if you don't want
your dick to fall off.
You're just jealous because
I have a pretty face.
And bigger balls.
Ah, shall we take a look around,
and introduce you to some of our
residents, who can help
you in your research?
- Okay.
- Yeah...
You really scared me
on that prison show.
I've always secretly wanted a tattoo.
Oh-ho-ho, you...
So, this is our recreation room.
What do you think,
stripes or solids?
How the fuck should I know?
Have they invented Braille balls since
I last checked, honkey mother fucker?
Okay, nice to meet you.
That's Bernard.
"Big Sexy"!
Oh, yes, "Big Sexy."
He's harmless, and um, visually-challenged.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
Morning.
- And one, and two.
- This is our all-purpose room.
Oh! You've come at a good time.
We're implementing some
innovative changes to health and exercise.
Telephone! Telephone!
And one, and two, and three.
And four.
And one,
And two...
That son of a bitch manager
stole my watch again!
Rex, no one has stolen your watch.
Who the hell are you?
I'm the son of a bitch
who took...
Nurse!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Whoa!
So... that's about it.
Why don't you make yourself at home,
talk to some of our residents.
I have to get back to the office,
but if you need anything...
anything at all,
- just ask.
- Okay. Thanks, Greg.
I'll just hang out here and see
what the geezers are up to.
Gimme back my watch!
Hi, guys.
What's up?
My dick, if you rub it.
Listen, boy...
this bench is for white's only.
Don't worry about Big Sexy.
Uh, you guys mind if I
just ask you a few questions?
- Still a free country.
- Not for long, the Mexicans are takin' over.
Don't worry about him.
You're here to find out what
it's like to be old, right?
Yeah, right.
It's horrible.
My back hurts all the time,
I can't sleep at night.
- Colonoscopies.
- It's just awful gettin' old.
Every day I have to wear diapers
'cause I can't control my bladder.
I'm constipated.
You guys are pathetic!
Every morning, 6 a.m., I
have a nice strong piss,
6:30 I have a good firm bowel movement.
Of course, I don't wake up till 7:00...
Ba-dum-bum!
Is he still here?
Yeah, still here.
That's very funny guys. I guess you don't lose
your sense of humor when you get old, huh?
But seriously, what
do you want to know?
Well, you know, everything.
I dunno, you guys look like you're pretty fit,
what do you do for exercise?
Eat shit, faggot.
Jesus, Frank, now take it easy.
And... dead.
- This is.. it's research. It's for a movie I'm doing.
- A movie?
- You a Jew?
- I'm an actor.
I just wanna find out what
it really feels like to be old.
Now you're callin' us old?
- You are old!
- That's not what your mama said last night!
Wow... So come on, seriously,
what do you guys do?
How do you keep in shape?
We play a lot of paddle tennis.
Well, what is that? Paddle tennis?
Is that even a real thing?
Bet we could whip your ass!
You think so?
Rex and me... against you.
You win? We let you hang out
with us for your research.
We win, we get to
be in your movie.
Sure, all right. Deal.
Deal!
Where's Rex?
Ruth... come on.
Out!
Out!
In!
In.
We won!
We won!
Yeah, yeah.
Looks like you lost.
- I think the fix was in.
- I just call 'em like I see 'em.
This guy had a ringer. You totally cheated.
Hollywood! Here we come!
Okay, all right,
deal's a deal.
Tell you what...
you can still hang with us.
Eh? Thanks...
- I think.
- Just don't touch my junk.
I'll try to resist that urge.
This might be tougher than I thought.
How's your research going?
Should've visited your mother instead.
Thank you, dear.
New guy.
Three o'clock.
First time?
Yes, sir.
- Scared it'll hurt?
- That you'll be humiliated?
Never hold your head
up in public again?
I'm just here 'cause my doctor said,
y' know, it's time to get it checked out.
Maybe you'll squeal like a pig.
Feel like you're being
raped, in prison.
And start to like it.
That's the goal.
Listen, nice chattin' with you guys,
I gotta finish this script.
I remember when I was a virgin.
Yeah? A while ago?
'52.
Oh, this really ages you.
Remember Art's son, Frankie?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Insufficient lube.
It got stuck.
Like goin' to the electric chair,
and they forgot to wet the sponge.
Sounds like Frankie forgot to relax.
They lasered his poop-hole.
Really?
- Had to laser it shut.
- Oh, I hope he got a good lawyer.
And ripped him a new one.
Does a kind of side-saddle
maneuver on the john now.
- Oh, but other than that, he's fine.
- Colon's clear.
Yeah, yeah. Clear colon.
Kind of a semi-colon.
Not that he uses it much anymore.
Is there any room, on either side of you guys?
We're a little squished in here.
Well, you know, they give you a DVD.
- Yeah, they film it.
- I heard that.
A keepsake you'll always treasure.
You know, man looks into the abyss,
and see's himself staring back at him.
All part of growin' older.
Lookin' forward to it.
Bernard, we're ready for you.
Mmm, you smell good.
Why, thank you.
Hey! Come on, now, you...
watch it!
- You're next.
- Oh, go ahead.
- No, you.
- You go first.
- You'll thank me.
- After you.
- You're gonna really like this.
- She seems a little upset.
You are gonna get so used to this.
- Please go.
- You'll be so happy.
I have many years ahead of me.
- Might even tickle.
- Go.
- Take a chance!
- I'm gonna go home.
No, no! Stay!
Stay!
Mistake.
So, uh, Rex... what are you
doing for the big talent show?
What talent show?
Uh, the... that's...
Not to worry, we'll come back to you.
Bernard, what about you?
Don't worry about me,
I'm workin' on it.
Okay.
Why they want you to have any
good time in this damn place?
We're right in the middle of an interview!
That's okay, I don't mind.
Okay, what are you doin'
for the talent show?
- I don't do that stupid shit.
- You gotta love the president's stimulus package.
Is that what's payin' for all this?
You see the new girl that checked in yesterday?
I hesitate to ask here, Victor...
what is... what is goin' on there?
Oh, sexting! With a
shawty I met last week.
He's addicted to sext, you know?
Wow, that's, uh...
She hittin' you back, there?
Is that what's goin' on?
Ooh! Where'd you meet her?
Comic-Con?
She was a friend of my wife's.
I didn't know you were married.
Well, I'm not.
Anymore...
Oh. I'm sorry. What, uh...
what happened?
Kandearoo.
Kandearoo...
What is that? What is Kandearoo?
Jesus!
I mean, there's no way to stop it?
God! That's... that's terrible. Victor, I'm
I'm so sorry man, I- I didn't know.
Va-va-verga!
You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Breckin! Breckin Meyer!
- Hey guys!
- Where you goin'?
- How's it goin'?
I'm going to play some laser tag with
some elderly folks. You wanna watch?
Mind if we tag along?
Yeah, actually, I want the footage, come on.
- We love your show, uh, Frank and Beans.
- Oh, thanks brother, we're having a good time.
J!
- There he is!
- How's it goin'?
- Hey, man, thanks for coming.
- All right.
Good to see you, and these guys just, what?
Follow you around
Yeah, it's my entourage,
you don't mind do you?
Whatever.
- Who's this?
- "Who is this?" Who doesn't have a television?
What, are you kidding me?
- Breckin Meyer, how ya' doin'?
- What are you, twelve?
- 12 inches.
- Bracken Meyers.
- Breckin Meyer?
- Yes sir.
It sounds like a strand of
Ukrainian syphilis to me.
Kinda' mouthy for a blind
guy playing laser tag.
Oh! Before the cock crows three times,
you shall be punked by the blind.
- Is he, did he just call me a cock?
- Apparently so.
Okay, Father Time? Cryptkeeper? Methuselah?
Let's go, let's do this.
All right, welcome to your ultimate laser tag
adventure, are you guys excited to be here?
- Oh yeah.
- Awesome, that's nice.
Uh, so my name is Justin and this is Daniel,
my trusty sidekick. Everyone say "Hello Daniel."
Hello, Daniel!
And we're gonna be your Game-Masters today.
Did he say Gay Masters?
What sort of S&M bullshit
did you bring me to today?
So let's get started.
When you guys walk in that door, you're
gonna see a bunch of vests like this one,
and what you want to do is grab the vest off
the rack and throw it over your shoulders
- making sure the laser is in front.
- Looks like an electric dick.
It sure does. If the laser isn't
in front your pack's on backwards
and that's stupid because you
can't fire out of your butts.
- Oh, this guy here can.
- I bet!
So then you wanna strap in your sides and
then you're gonna detach your laser from the vest,
and hold the vest with the laser
with two hands at all times.
- How many hands?
- Two hands. - Two!
That's right, two hands. Now, you
wanna fire everywhere and anywhere
you see blinking, flashing lights.
So, if it's blinking, you blast it.
What do you do? You...
- Blast it.
- Come on guys, what do you do?
- Blast it!
- That's right, you blast it!
All right, Daniel take it over.
All right, we're gonna go over some
important game rules for today.
Ah, the first rule is the
most important, you guys...
No running. If you run, you're done.
Seriously, with you guy's hearts,
if you run, you're done.
You're gonna die. This'll be it.
- I'll beat your little ass.
- No climbing or crawling.
No crawling anywhere in the maze, you guys.
Uh, no physical contact.
Yeah, Victor, that means keep
your hands off my junk, too. Okay?
No touching.
Uh, no unsportsmanlike conduct.
If it don't feel cool, it ain't cool,
and that includes offensive language.
No... that includes trash talking,
no trash talking, you guys.
- That's bullshit.
- Totally.
Next rule, follow staff instructions at all times.
We... are staff.
Last rule, any persons failing
to follow these rules
will be asked to leave without a refund.
So, if you just follow these rules, you guys...
we'll have a great game, okay?
- We'll be good.
- Whoo! - Okay!
- Yeah!
- Okay. Let's do it.
Go, old people!
Not you guys.
Rex! It's me!
- Damn.
- Right, are you okay?
- Bernard? What? Is it your heart?
- You.. dirty... bastards!
Say "hello" to my little friend!
Hey.
Fish in a barrel.
Hey. Looks like we won.
That's it! You're all out.
You run, you're done!
You run, you're done.
- We have to go.
- That's true, Justin.
You break the rules,
you get no refund.
Seemed like a short game to me.
Hey, where Rex?
You guys keep up on the
latest technology at all?
- Well, I've seen color TV.
- I got a stereo.
Beautiful, welcome to the
21st century here guys,
this... is a smart phone.
Can make phone calls, of course, you can also do a
shit-load of other things, but here, wait, wait...
I'll show you on this 'cause it's got a
bigger screen for your tired old eyes.
You can, uh, you can surf the web here, you got
emails, I got thousands of photos in this thing.
Uh... music, got a calendar, maps!
You got maps of the whole world on this thing.
There's a... there's thousands of apps you can
get for this, all on this one little device.
It's, it's unbelievable. It's a dazzling
display of technology, right?
It's like a phone, only bigger.
Okay. Here, look. Look at this, this is the most
portable, powerful, lightweight notebook money can buy.
And I can do all that same stuff on this,
but I can also, I can upload footage here,
I use this for my research
all the time, I can edit,
- I could, I could make a movie on this thing.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So you could make a porno?
Porno, you want porno, here we go.
In two seconds,
just for you, eyes and ears,
we have porno!
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, spank
the monkey, smart boy.
Damn.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello!
You seem nice.
I'm also a pretty good dancer.
I'd like to see you dance.
Oh.
...really do see the market to continue to trend...
- ...know why I'm here in the first place.
- Skank.
...now there's a line drive
down the left field line...
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Oh, my!
Ruth Mama Zion! Where did you get that bikini?
Amazon.com.
What has gotten into you lately?
Turns out you can teach
an old dog new tricks.
Something's missing.
Very funny.
Very good! Very good!
What?
Where are ya'?
- You're hot.
- I know you're in here somewhere.
You're gettin' hot.
- Where are you?
- Hotter.
Yea!
Does Greg know you're
out here this late?
It's only 6 o'clock.
- Hi Ruth.
- Oh. Hi Victor.
Well, I'm gonna go get changed.
I'll see you at dinner.
God, that daughter of his...
really get's him down.
Yeah, I know. She only visits him
for the life insurance money.
Oh, poor guy.
Hi, Victor.
You know how cute I always thought you were.
Gee... are there any Q-tips?
Hang on!
Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore?
- So, I don't want to play this guy like he's feeble or senile or...
- Honey?
- doesn't know what's going on in the world.
- Honey?
- Just a sec'! These guys wanna have sex, they can still get it up.
- Who spanked the monkey? Hmm?
Apparently.
- Smart boy?
- Okay, let me tell ya'.
I was showing the old farts
about computers today,
and about getting on the internet, and about
all the stuff I can do on the computer like
editing, and you know, I said I could make my own
movie, this guy Bernard says could you make a porno
and I said, oh, well here,
lemme show you some porno.
- These guys are like, they're like conniving little children.
- Sweetheart?
- What?
- It's okay. I trust you.
- You do?
- Yes.
It's a convalescent home, how much
trouble can you really get into?
I think you'd be surprised.
Yeah? Oh...
surprise me.
Hello everyone.
My new best friend, J,
has generously offered to ask today's special
guest to come in and show you some...
invaluable self-defense moves.
When I heard he was coming,
I got all choked up.
Ah, I'm proud to introduce
Mr. Randy "The Natural" Couture.
Who the hell is Randy Couture?
Mr. Couture came in second on the 9th
season of "Dancing With The Celebrities".
Actually, I'm a former UFC heavyweight champion
and inductee into the UFC Hall of Fame,
but, you gotta be talking about Chuck Liddell.
Who was, what, ninth on that dance show?
And I'm...
way better looking than he is.
Mr. Couture is a mixed martial arts legend.
This guy practically invented the sport.
What is he talking about?
That shit ain't a sport. Just
a buncha ass-grabbin' homos
who didn't get enough lovin' from their mothers.
Is he gonna teach us to dance like a star?
Oh, ho, ho, I wish! Mr. Couture was nice
enough to come down and teach us some of the
basic movements of mixed martial arts.
He's gonna show you some pretty neat stuff,
so you can protect yourself,
should the need arise.
So...
let's get ready to wrestle!
Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen.
I'm very excited to be here this afternoon,
although not quite as excited as Greg here.
How many of you have seen
what we do in the Octagon?
Okay. Well, we could do a demonstration,
so... I need a volunteer.
How about you, sir?
I want to demonstrate some
pretty simple techniques
that don't require a lot of speed or strength,
but if you apply them properly, you
can take out even the biggest guy.
I want to make sure I isolate that bottom arm,
locking out that elbow and that wrist.
And from there, it's pretty easy to escape,
or even turn the situation around.
If you're ever attacked from the front,
somebody tries to grab you,
I wanna take that arm off, drag it by,
and now I get behind my attacker.
From here, I wanna apply a rear choke,
so I'm gonna wrap my arm around his neck,
I'm applying pressure to
both those carotid arteries.
I'll lock this technique on, in about 7 seconds
my attacker will pass out.
Now, you're a big strong guy.
- You wanna try that technique?
- Okay.
Okay, again. The rear choke, he
wraps the arm around the neck.
All right, let's slide this hand behind
that's gonna make it nice and tight.
Now from here, if I let him apply the choke,
he starts to cut off the blood... Hey, hey, hey...
that's gettin' tight.
He starts to... and, uh...
and...
Oh my god!
Oh! My god!!
Does anyone have a camera?
This'll be perfect for my Facebook page.
You guys pickin' up some
costumes for your grandkids?
- (mumbling)
- What?
- (mumbling)
- What?
Go fuck yourself.
Oh...
Douchebag says "what".
And I said "what".
Do you believe that salesman
talking about the grandchildren?
Like we came here for grandchildren.
- Do you believe that?
- What a nerd. Ooh!
This is the row.
- This is the row.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sexy?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh-ho yeah!
Here! Try these on.
So how do I look?
Really scary.
Is the air conditioning on?
Seems a little cool in here.
Hey, old timers, you wanna buy
a map to the star's homes?
You got Brangelina?
- Sure.
- You gonna ask her out?
- It depends.
- Say, you got any black people in there?
- Tiger?
- Oh! He's my hero!
He's a master sexter!
Wait a minute.
- He's black?
- Yeah.
Really?
He's nice.
Nice costume.
You too.
Trick or treat!
That's a damn good question
you've asked, fellows.
This "Trick or Treat."
Quite the conundrum, really.
Having said that,
my costumed friends,
as fate would have it,
I, too, have a question.
Brace yourselves, it's a doozy.
Which one of you pricks can guess,
what I've buried under my house...
Where you going? Hey!
I got Reese's Pieces in here.
And Winston Lights, come back!
I'll be right back.
I gotta do somethin'.
I wasted a whole hour watchin'
this douchebag's TV show.
Happy Halloween.
Sir?
Are you... is this ding dong ditch?
By a hundred-year-old?
Is this you running away? Sir?
That's funny. That's very funny.
You're not... you're not moving
very fast, sir. I could...
come down there and stick a
candy bar up your fuckin' ass.
If I felt like it.
Sir.
Have I done something to offend you?
In the past? I'm just curious
because I'm just sitting on my couch,
waiting for obnoxious children
dressed like Spiderman.
Fuck you, sir.
Fuck you.
Okay?
Fuck you!
I hope you have a fuckin'... horrible birthday,
if you ever have one... again.
Now I'm fuckin' depressed.
Is this my man's place?
I think so.
- Hey, fellows.
- Trick or treat!
Come on, isn't there an age
limit on trick or treating?
Just give us some candy, bitch.
Wow... well, Mr. Geezer, perhaps you've
had a little too much sugar, huh?
Look, I'm a rich fucker, how did you get in here?
Right? There's a security guy out there.
I don't like old people coming in and I just...
Get the fuck out of my place.
This is my house!
I didn't get any candy.
Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.
So, who'd be the bitch now, bi-atch?
So let's see, where we are right now.
What's this?
Hey, hey, hey! Shh, shh, shh! Guys, keep it down
just a little bit, okay? My wife's sleeping.
Is this it?
Oh, this is my office-slash-mancave.
- It's where I do most of my work.
- Where's the indoor pool, and the manservant?
Come on, inside voice, okay?
I gave Cheswick the night off.
Somebody wake me when it's time to
go, this place is boring as shit.
What's with all the boxes?
Are you moving?
No. No, um...
A while back, my... my mother had a bad
fall and broke her hip, so you know,
we had to put her in a rest home, I'm...
- I'm goin' through her stuff.
- Where is she?
- Nancy Gaye.
- Jesus Christ!
Why in the world would
you put her there?
- What? What's wrong with it?
- Talk about boring, why don't you just ship her straight to the morgue?
Come on, it's not that bad.
- "It's not that bad?"
- When was the last time you were there?
Another ungrateful kid.
I just...
I just can't see her like that.
Will somebody help me down from here?
- Nice wheels!
- Yeah, I'm proud of Buster Hymen.
I got a dual 12-volt, 95 amp-hour,
deep-cycle, lead-acid sealed battery
with removable armrests for maximum maneuverability,
there's tracks in back, for snow, mud, and deep sand
high performance hybrid tires for off-roadin'
leather seat,
and double-reinforced hand grips for
superior handling and enhanced control.
What do you need all that for?
Victor!
Damn!
Come on, come on, come on, hurry!
Come on, you can!
Congratulations.
Welcome everyone.
It is so nice to see you all.
I am excited about our project today.
Because...
we are going to try something a little different.
Come on in.
Come on, don't be shy.
This is Luke, everyone.
Luke, you just step right up here and
turn around and, um...
Well...
- Oh, my!
- Meh!
No.
Well. Oh, Bernard.
- You're joining us today.
- They canceled Bingo.
Well, it's very nice to have you.
Just come right over here,
I have a chair for you, right next to Victor.
Okay, here's the chair.
Oops, there you go. And...
Never thought I'd be sittin' in a
girlie class with peckerwoods like you.
We got a nude model today.
- Go on!
- Yep.
Big titties?
Oh... very well endowed.
Well, wait till she gets a load of Big Sexy.
Okay, class, now, let's begin
by entering the clay with our
hands and taking hold of it.
Yes, let it envelop your imagination...
as it does your fingertips.
Oh, become one with its and soft, pliable wetness.
Let go of your inhibitions and
mold the piece to your will.
Now, maybe you want to focus
on one certain area...
Like, um...
the eyes, or...
the feet...
for example.
Or, maybe just the overall
essence of the model.
Oh, knead and stretch,
pull, prod, and twist the clay
into submission.
Uh... Well, let's see what we have here.
Oh, my! That's very van Gogh, Rex.
Oh, why that's excellent realism, Ruth.
And very nice, Mary.
Mary?
Ah-hah...
Oh, Victor!
Victor, um...
Yes!
And Bernard!
Bernard, that's very imaginative.
That is very good use of
personal interpretation.
Oh, and please. Please feel free to use your
hands on the model, to mold what you see.
I mean, after all, art is as much
about feeling as it is about seeing.
Damn, this must be my lucky day.
Oh, I wish it were me.
Come on, I'll take you to the model.
All rightie? Here we go.
And I have a chair for you... have
a seat right here, there you go.
And I'll just wheel you
right up here, and here...
let's begin with the foot.
Oh! Ooh...
Big Sexy likes your feet.
Oh! And you work out, too.
You need to shave more often, baby.
Ooh, that's hot!
Come to papa, Sugar Bush!
Oh-oh! We got us a problem here.
I don't think you sugar,
because that sure ain't no bush.
Gotcha.
Well, I hope you get a refund from the rabbi.
Still your turn, Rex.
What's, uh... what's that little transaction there?
What do you keep handing her?
Oh, just makin' some extra cash.
- Extra cash?
- Yeah, I sell my Percocet and Vicodin.
You're a drug dealer?
No, I'm not a drug dealer, I just sell drugs
people want to buy. That's all.
- You guys are really not what I expected.
- It's a good way to help pay some of the bills.
Since they legalized medicinal marijuana,
been a windfall for us.
- So you're a drug dealer too?
- I'm not a drug dealer.
You just go to the doctor and you say "Oh,
Doc, I have terrible migraines this week."
And then next thing you know you got 500
bucks in ganja and Medicare covers the bill.
Your tax dollars at work.
- See that dried-up prune over there?
- Yes.
She's been screwin' his brains out for months,
just for his drugs!
That's not his granddaughter?
Uh-uh... She found him on Craigslist.
That's pretty sad!
Not for him.
So what did you expect?
What do you mean?
I mean, since we're not what you expected,
then what did you expect?
- Oh, uh, I don't know...
- Don't be a pussy now,
- Well, I guess I thought you'd be...
- Sitting around, waiting to die?
Yeah, sort of...
Depressed, decrepit and useless?
A little, maybe...
Angry, bitter, and rude?
All right, look. I admit, I was
buyin' into a stereotype, forgive me,
but... let's face it, there's a lot of stuff
you guys just can't do like you used to...
and Rex, he wouldn't remember to eat lunch
if it wasn't written down on a note somewhere.
That's true,
but I bet you any one of us here
is more content with his life
than you are.
Percocet?
- Hey Sandy, only two today.
- Oh, good!
It's here! It's here!
Ruth? I've never seen
you so excited before!
Oh, it's it! It's the DVD!
It's here!
Oh, baby! I've been waiting for you!
Virgin territory!
Excuse me ma'am, may help carry
your package to your room?
Honey, you can carry mine,
if I can carry yours!
Looking sharp there, Victor!
- Nice hat.
- Thank you.
- Oh, um... where's Rex!?
- Yes, where is Rex?
And the music's even shittier than last year!
Any hot bitches around?
Ow!
- Josephine...
- She's married!
Buford dies last month!
Really!
Pay up!
Take it!
So she's on the rebound, eh?
Oh, she's on the ultimate rebound.
I'll have to tap that ass!
Give her my number!
Thanks everyone for joining us for
our sixth annual Moonlight Hootenanny!
This year's theme will incorporate
our "Going Green" initiative,
there'll be a lot of special editions and
exciting changes in the coming weeks.
I wanna give a shout-out to Edith
for providing tonight's exciting ear candy,
and remind everyone of our special
"Ladies' Choice Dance," so...
without further ado,
Now... it's a party!
What is with the shit-eating grin?
Things are gonna start
looking up around here!
I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
The way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model
You know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk, yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
Oh! I think I'm stuck!
Hey, hey... I got the munchies.
Let's find Rex and get
the hell out of here!
Face down, ass up
That's the way we like to fuck
Face down, ass up
That's the way we like to fuck
I'm lookin' for a bitch to spend the night
Do the crazy thing while I fuck all night
I make her do things like nothing before
And when I'm done, she'll always be sore
From the things I do when I'm fuckin'
And when I'm tired, the bitches start suckin'
I double team with a friend of mine
Luke's in front and I'm behind
Just ridin' you like a pony
While you suck my dick, makin' me horny
Then all of a sudden we'll switch positions
Prop your ass up and freak the pushin'
And when I cum, you'll hear me roar
I'll treat any bitch like a whore
'Cause it's the way I like to fuck
It's face down and ass up!
(indistinct)
Fuck that burger!
Fuck!
It's the cops!
Everybody run!
Driver's license, registration,
and proof of insurance.
Turn the camera off!
- J? Is that you?
- Hi, Kev.
- Doin' some research.
- No problem.
Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
I don't think so.
It was my turn to be the designated driver.
- Right guys?
- Yes, yes! - Yeah.
Face down, ass up
That's the way I like to fuck
Turn the music off!
Always pulling over the black guy!
Get out of the car, sir.
Okay sir, I'm gonna administer some tests to find out
if you're too impaired to operate a motor vehicle.
The first thing I want you to
do is take your index finger,
tilt your head back, and touch the tip
of your finger to the tip of your nose,
in this manner, and alternate.
Okay, next...
I want you to count
backwards from 78 to 69.
69...
70!
72 ..
73 ..
Okay. Okay, we're almost done.
I want you to walk a straight line,
now I want you to do it
heel-to-toe, just like this...
Then turn around,
and walk back.
Uh, Sir! Sir, sir, sir, sir!
Based on my observations,
I believe you've had too much to drink.
Have I?
This is a breathalyzer. I want you to blow
into the breathalyzer until I say stop.
- There.
- Here...
Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!
Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!
And stop.
I'll be! You're clean.
Told you.
Look, you're free to go,
but, will you speed up?
Say... thanks for lettin' me drive.
I always wanted to do that.
That was you?
Now, time for a booty call.
This is Ruth! Oh, I'm so sorry,
I can't come to the phone right now.
I learned how to give a great BJ.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like shit.
That's disgusting!
These fuckin' low-flow
toilets don't flush a thing.
I'm too old for this shit!
I'm gonna stop drinking for good.
I mean it this time.
Well, like they say down south...
We gonna see y'all now, hear?
You guys sure know how to party.
Oh-ho! You should've seen Victor.
I thought I was gonna die last night.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys.
Are you afraid of dying?
- Nah.
- I'm not afraid of dying.
I'm afraid of outliving my money.
I can afford to live about six more years.
I can afford about five.
And then what?
But... but the idea of death itself,
you don't, you don't find that scary?
- Nah.
- Oh, hell no!
In fact...
we got a death pool.
A death pool?!
Yeah, see?
You pick who you think is next to die.
If you're right, you win.
What if two guys pick the
same person to die?
Well then, we use cause of death.
Heart attack, stroke...
See? Whoever gets the closest.
Don't some people find the idea of
a "death pool" a little offensive?
Well, you don't have to play if you
don't want to, but most everyone does.
Some that do,
I won 100 bucks last month.
- He got lucky with Wilber.
- That wasn't luck.
I was watchin' him, he'd
been coughing for weeks.
You don't mess around with
pneumonia at this age.
Good riddance.
- Good riddance? Come on, the poor guy's dead.
- Just because he's dead doesn't mean he...
wasn't an asshole when he was alive.
So, Bernard, who do
you have next to go?
- Victor.
- Victor?!
Oh, yeah.
Well that's messed up!
How the hell do you have me going?
O.D., drug overdose.
Well then, I'm changing my pick to you.
You'll either get hit by a bus or
drown in the pool.
I'll decide later.
All right, so listen, uh...
tomorrow, tomorrow night!
Is the big talent show.
You guys ready?
Ready as I'll ever be.
I've been practicing for weeks.
I'm tellin' you, nobody
stands a chance against me.
Oh, I don't know. From what I've
heard, you may have some stiff competition.
Well that ain't the only
thing stiff around here.
Where the hell's my phone?
I'm always losing the damn
thing when I'm drunk.
So, these old geezers have
a lot of life left in 'em.
I don't know, maybe getting old
isn't the worst thing in the world.
Beats the alternative, as they say.
Nancy Gaye Nursing Home...
Hi, can you please connect
me with Pat Kimball's room?
Boys, I'd like you to meet my Mom.
She's hot.
I know everyone has been diligently rehearsing
their numbers and is ready to show you their stuff!
Get on with it!
Cut! Cut!
Cut it now!
- That was good! Uh, Pete, did you get that?
- Yeah, I got it.
Okay, then print it. Nice job!
It's a wrap!
Cut! That...
It sucked.
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
It sucks. It's...
I wouldn't use this...
as fill in a porno.
Cut! Cut! Cut!
One word review: shit sandwich.
Cut! Cut! It's just... they're...
you're not... the whole thing is it's...
it's no good.
A woman goes to a gynecologist.
She says, "Doctor, I can't find my pussy cat!"
The doctor says, "..."
Guy comes home, and he says, "Honey! Honey!
Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"
"Where are we going?"
"I don't care! Just get the fuck out!"
Yo! What up, dawg?
Yo, yo, yo,
diggity, yo!
Yo, yo, yiggity-yo!
Yo, yo, yiggity-do.
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Yo-yo?
Oh, yeah, yeah, you better check yourself
before you wreck yourself, because
that girl ain't nothing but trouble.
Listen, this cock-a-doodle
do not do it that way.
This cock-a-doodle-do
don't doodle-do that way.
This cock-a-doodle-do
don't do that way.
Geez, Peaches...
shut your fuckin' pie-hole.
Listen, home-skillet,
I need some chedda',
to take my girl out,
candy slack.
I think the scene is about...
uh, that, uh...
The scene is about...
a girl and a...
I think it's a comedy about a bunch of older cockers
in a retirement home, that's what it's about.
Hi, my name is J Kimball,
I'm an actor.
Hopefully, you actually knew that already,
otherwise, uh...
I don't know... have a little
chat with my agent, I guess.
Recently, I was asked to play a character...
who ages into his mid-80's, in a new comedy
which I think is entitled "Do Not Not Resuscitate."
So, I gave it a good read, as I always do, and uh...
it's terrible.
Terrible.
The dialogue is bland, the
characters are under-developed,
the plot... a piece of crap.
Honey?
- Then I had a second thought.
- Are you ready to go?
Did I mention that it was
written by my brother-in-law?
My darling wife's adorable baby brother?
Turn that thing off.
- I'm working.
- You haven't seen her in 6 months.
Honey, I'm busy here.
- You promised.
- Your project.
Your mother!
Just let me... give me...
So I got a choice.
I can do the movie, or...
suffer the consequences.
You married guys know
what I'm talking about.
Obviously, I'm doing the movie.
And, since I have no idea what
it's like to be 85 years old,
I'm gonna need to do more research than usual.
And I figured I'd invite you
all along to suffer with me.
The only question is,
am I gonna do that research
where my mother is,
at the Nancy Gaye...
Why-the-hell-don't-you-visit-me-more-often
Nursing Home...
or... at The Coconuts Convalescent Home,
conveniently located across the street
from my favorite casino?
Shuffle up and deal.
This is for your own personal use, correct?
Yeah, yeah. I always like to do research,
makes the characters I play more real
for me, you know?
And hopefully for the audience as well.
It's, uh... usually just gonna
be Bob here, y' know,
couple of guys on the crew.
Em, sometimes I'll just shoot myself,
and sometimes we'll both shoot, at the same time.
But don't worry about them.
They're.. they're non-union.
Oh. Good.
Though I am happy to sign a
release, or a contract...
No, that won't be necessary.
Uh, so tell me... how
long have you been the
Activities Director here?
At The Coconuts? Well, uh,
I haven't always been an administrator.
Life... is but a walking shadow.
A poor player that...
struts and frets...
his hour upon the stage,
and then...
is heard no more.
You're an actor.
I'm between roles.
Oh, now, I know how that goes.
When was your last gig?
November.
- Well, that's not so...
- 1998.
Listen, what I...
just really wanna
kinda get out of all this, is uh...
an overall feel for
what it's like here
for the old people.
You know? Um, do they get visitors?
Do they get exercise?
Uh... What gets them up?
In the morning, you know?
And, indeed, can they still...
get it up?
How do old people get around?
Well, first off...
we don't like to call them
"old people."
They're just people,
like you and me, only
old.
- I can't find my glasses!
- They're on top of your head.
Oh, they're on top of my head.
You didn't mention how long you will be with us.
A couple of weeks.
Splendid!
So, the idea here at The Coconuts is
to make our residents feel at home.
Of course, we try to keep things interesting,
mix it up a bit.
In many respects, it's a lot
more fun than how they lived
before coming here.
Yes, sure! I see that, uh...
Thursday is cherry pie day.
I'm also very excited
about a new event we have
scheduled for next month.
We're putting on our first "talent show".
So they, uh, still have the energy
to compete this late in life?
Oh well, yeah. I don't like to
speak in clichs, you know,
"never too late" and all that,
but, uh... you'd be surprised.
And, I might add,
uh, reassured
by what some of them still can do.
- But, but, but... she's my niece!
- Yeah, I can see the resemblance.
- I only need one more minute.
- Yes, well your niece will have to come back
at regular visiting hours.
I hope you wore a condom.
Condoms? We ain't got no condoms.
We don't need no condoms.
I don't have to show you stinking condoms!
You do if you don't want
your dick to fall off.
You're just jealous because
I have a pretty face.
And bigger balls.
Ah, shall we take a look around,
and introduce you to some of our
residents, who can help
you in your research?
- Okay.
- Yeah...
You really scared me
on that prison show.
I've always secretly wanted a tattoo.
Oh-ho-ho, you...
So, this is our recreation room.
What do you think,
stripes or solids?
How the fuck should I know?
Have they invented Braille balls since
I last checked, honkey mother fucker?
Okay, nice to meet you.
That's Bernard.
"Big Sexy"!
Oh, yes, "Big Sexy."
He's harmless, and um, visually-challenged.
Hello, ladies.
Hi.
Morning.
- And one, and two.
- This is our all-purpose room.
Oh! You've come at a good time.
We're implementing some
innovative changes to health and exercise.
Telephone! Telephone!
And one, and two, and three.
And four.
And one,
And two...
That son of a bitch manager
stole my watch again!
Rex, no one has stolen your watch.
Who the hell are you?
I'm the son of a bitch
who took...
Nurse!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Whoa!
So... that's about it.
Why don't you make yourself at home,
talk to some of our residents.
I have to get back to the office,
but if you need anything...
anything at all,
- just ask.
- Okay. Thanks, Greg.
I'll just hang out here and see
what the geezers are up to.
Gimme back my watch!
Hi, guys.
What's up?
My dick, if you rub it.
Listen, boy...
this bench is for white's only.
Don't worry about Big Sexy.
Uh, you guys mind if I
just ask you a few questions?
- Still a free country.
- Not for long, the Mexicans are takin' over.
Don't worry about him.
You're here to find out what
it's like to be old, right?
Yeah, right.
It's horrible.
My back hurts all the time,
I can't sleep at night.
- Colonoscopies.
- It's just awful gettin' old.
Every day I have to wear diapers
'cause I can't control my bladder.
I'm constipated.
You guys are pathetic!
Every morning, 6 a.m., I
have a nice strong piss,
6:30 I have a good firm bowel movement.
Of course, I don't wake up till 7:00...
Ba-dum-bum!
Is he still here?
Yeah, still here.
That's very funny guys. I guess you don't lose
your sense of humor when you get old, huh?
But seriously, what
do you want to know?
Well, you know, everything.
I dunno, you guys look like you're pretty fit,
what do you do for exercise?
Eat shit, faggot.
Jesus, Frank, now take it easy.
And... dead.
- This is.. it's research. It's for a movie I'm doing.
- A movie?
- You a Jew?
- I'm an actor.
I just wanna find out what
it really feels like to be old.
Now you're callin' us old?
- You are old!
- That's not what your mama said last night!
Wow... So come on, seriously,
what do you guys do?
How do you keep in shape?
We play a lot of paddle tennis.
Well, what is that? Paddle tennis?
Is that even a real thing?
Bet we could whip your ass!
You think so?
Rex and me... against you.
You win? We let you hang out
with us for your research.
We win, we get to
be in your movie.
Sure, all right. Deal.
Deal!
Where's Rex?
Ruth... come on.
Out!
Out!
In!
In.
We won!
We won!
Yeah, yeah.
Looks like you lost.
- I think the fix was in.
- I just call 'em like I see 'em.
This guy had a ringer. You totally cheated.
Hollywood! Here we come!
Okay, all right,
deal's a deal.
Tell you what...
you can still hang with us.
Eh? Thanks...
- I think.
- Just don't touch my junk.
I'll try to resist that urge.
This might be tougher than I thought.
How's your research going?
Should've visited your mother instead.
Thank you, dear.
New guy.
Three o'clock.
First time?
Yes, sir.
- Scared it'll hurt?
- That you'll be humiliated?
Never hold your head
up in public again?
I'm just here 'cause my doctor said,
y' know, it's time to get it checked out.
Maybe you'll squeal like a pig.
Feel like you're being
raped, in prison.
And start to like it.
That's the goal.
Listen, nice chattin' with you guys,
I gotta finish this script.
I remember when I was a virgin.
Yeah? A while ago?
'52.
Oh, this really ages you.
Remember Art's son, Frankie?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Insufficient lube.
It got stuck.
Like goin' to the electric chair,
and they forgot to wet the sponge.
Sounds like Frankie forgot to relax.
They lasered his poop-hole.
Really?
- Had to laser it shut.
- Oh, I hope he got a good lawyer.
And ripped him a new one.
Does a kind of side-saddle
maneuver on the john now.
- Oh, but other than that, he's fine.
- Colon's clear.
Yeah, yeah. Clear colon.
Kind of a semi-colon.
Not that he uses it much anymore.
Is there any room, on either side of you guys?
We're a little squished in here.
Well, you know, they give you a DVD.
- Yeah, they film it.
- I heard that.
A keepsake you'll always treasure.
You know, man looks into the abyss,
and see's himself staring back at him.
All part of growin' older.
Lookin' forward to it.
Bernard, we're ready for you.
Mmm, you smell good.
Why, thank you.
Hey! Come on, now, you...
watch it!
- You're next.
- Oh, go ahead.
- No, you.
- You go first.
- You'll thank me.
- After you.
- You're gonna really like this.
- She seems a little upset.
You are gonna get so used to this.
- Please go.
- You'll be so happy.
I have many years ahead of me.
- Might even tickle.
- Go.
- Take a chance!
- I'm gonna go home.
No, no! Stay!
Stay!
Mistake.
So, uh, Rex... what are you
doing for the big talent show?
What talent show?
Uh, the... that's...
Not to worry, we'll come back to you.
Bernard, what about you?
Don't worry about me,
I'm workin' on it.
Okay.
Why they want you to have any
good time in this damn place?
We're right in the middle of an interview!
That's okay, I don't mind.
Okay, what are you doin'
for the talent show?
- I don't do that stupid shit.
- You gotta love the president's stimulus package.
Is that what's payin' for all this?
You see the new girl that checked in yesterday?
I hesitate to ask here, Victor...
what is... what is goin' on there?
Oh, sexting! With a
shawty I met last week.
He's addicted to sext, you know?
Wow, that's, uh...
She hittin' you back, there?
Is that what's goin' on?
Ooh! Where'd you meet her?
Comic-Con?
She was a friend of my wife's.
I didn't know you were married.
Well, I'm not.
Anymore...
Oh. I'm sorry. What, uh...
what happened?
Kandearoo.
Kandearoo...
What is that? What is Kandearoo?
Jesus!
I mean, there's no way to stop it?
God! That's... that's terrible. Victor, I'm
I'm so sorry man, I- I didn't know.
Va-va-verga!
You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Breckin! Breckin Meyer!
- Hey guys!
- Where you goin'?
- How's it goin'?
I'm going to play some laser tag with
some elderly folks. You wanna watch?
Mind if we tag along?
Yeah, actually, I want the footage, come on.
- We love your show, uh, Frank and Beans.
- Oh, thanks brother, we're having a good time.
J!
- There he is!
- How's it goin'?
- Hey, man, thanks for coming.
- All right.
Good to see you, and these guys just, what?
Follow you around
Yeah, it's my entourage,
you don't mind do you?
Whatever.
- Who's this?
- "Who is this?" Who doesn't have a television?
What, are you kidding me?
- Breckin Meyer, how ya' doin'?
- What are you, twelve?
- 12 inches.
- Bracken Meyers.
- Breckin Meyer?
- Yes sir.
It sounds like a strand of
Ukrainian syphilis to me.
Kinda' mouthy for a blind
guy playing laser tag.
Oh! Before the cock crows three times,
you shall be punked by the blind.
- Is he, did he just call me a cock?
- Apparently so.
Okay, Father Time? Cryptkeeper? Methuselah?
Let's go, let's do this.
All right, welcome to your ultimate laser tag
adventure, are you guys excited to be here?
- Oh yeah.
- Awesome, that's nice.
Uh, so my name is Justin and this is Daniel,
my trusty sidekick. Everyone say "Hello Daniel."
Hello, Daniel!
And we're gonna be your Game-Masters today.
Did he say Gay Masters?
What sort of S&M bullshit
did you bring me to today?
So let's get started.
When you guys walk in that door, you're
gonna see a bunch of vests like this one,
and what you want to do is grab the vest off
the rack and throw it over your shoulders
- making sure the laser is in front.
- Looks like an electric dick.
It sure does. If the laser isn't
in front your pack's on backwards
and that's stupid because you
can't fire out of your butts.
- Oh, this guy here can.
- I bet!
So then you wanna strap in your sides and
then you're gonna detach your laser from the vest,
and hold the vest with the laser
with two hands at all times.
- How many hands?
- Two hands. - Two!
That's right, two hands. Now, you
wanna fire everywhere and anywhere
you see blinking, flashing lights.
So, if it's blinking, you blast it.
What do you do? You...
- Blast it.
- Come on guys, what do you do?
- Blast it!
- That's right, you blast it!
All right, Daniel take it over.
All right, we're gonna go over some
important game rules for today.
Ah, the first rule is the
most important, you guys...
No running. If you run, you're done.
Seriously, with you guy's hearts,
if you run, you're done.
You're gonna die. This'll be it.
- I'll beat your little ass.
- No climbing or crawling.
No crawling anywhere in the maze, you guys.
Uh, no physical contact.
Yeah, Victor, that means keep
your hands off my junk, too. Okay?
No touching.
Uh, no unsportsmanlike conduct.
If it don't feel cool, it ain't cool,
and that includes offensive language.
No... that includes trash talking,
no trash talking, you guys.
- That's bullshit.
- Totally.
Next rule, follow staff instructions at all times.
We... are staff.
Last rule, any persons failing
to follow these rules
will be asked to leave without a refund.
So, if you just follow these rules, you guys...
we'll have a great game, okay?
- We'll be good.
- Whoo! - Okay!
- Yeah!
- Okay. Let's do it.
Go, old people!
Not you guys.
Rex! It's me!
- Damn.
- Right, are you okay?
- Bernard? What? Is it your heart?
- You.. dirty... bastards!
Say "hello" to my little friend!
Hey.
Fish in a barrel.
Hey. Looks like we won.
That's it! You're all out.
You run, you're done!
You run, you're done.
- We have to go.
- That's true, Justin.
You break the rules,
you get no refund.
Seemed like a short game to me.
Hey, where Rex?
You guys keep up on the
latest technology at all?
- Well, I've seen color TV.
- I got a stereo.
Beautiful, welcome to the
21st century here guys,
this... is a smart phone.
Can make phone calls, of course, you can also do a
shit-load of other things, but here, wait, wait...
I'll show you on this 'cause it's got a
bigger screen for your tired old eyes.
You can, uh, you can surf the web here, you got
emails, I got thousands of photos in this thing.
Uh... music, got a calendar, maps!
You got maps of the whole world on this thing.
There's a... there's thousands of apps you can
get for this, all on this one little device.
It's, it's unbelievable. It's a dazzling
display of technology, right?
It's like a phone, only bigger.
Okay. Here, look. Look at this, this is the most
portable, powerful, lightweight notebook money can buy.
And I can do all that same stuff on this,
but I can also, I can upload footage here,
I use this for my research
all the time, I can edit,
- I could, I could make a movie on this thing.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So you could make a porno?
Porno, you want porno, here we go.
In two seconds,
just for you, eyes and ears,
we have porno!
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, spank
the monkey, smart boy.
Damn.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello!
You seem nice.
I'm also a pretty good dancer.
I'd like to see you dance.
Oh.
...really do see the market to continue to trend...
- ...know why I'm here in the first place.
- Skank.
...now there's a line drive
down the left field line...
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Oh, my!
Ruth Mama Zion! Where did you get that bikini?
Amazon.com.
What has gotten into you lately?
Turns out you can teach
an old dog new tricks.
Something's missing.
Very funny.
Very good! Very good!
What?
Where are ya'?
- You're hot.
- I know you're in here somewhere.
You're gettin' hot.
- Where are you?
- Hotter.
Yea!
Does Greg know you're
out here this late?
It's only 6 o'clock.
- Hi Ruth.
- Oh. Hi Victor.
Well, I'm gonna go get changed.
I'll see you at dinner.
God, that daughter of his...
really get's him down.
Yeah, I know. She only visits him
for the life insurance money.
Oh, poor guy.
Hi, Victor.
You know how cute I always thought you were.
Gee... are there any Q-tips?
Hang on!
Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore?
- So, I don't want to play this guy like he's feeble or senile or...
- Honey?
- doesn't know what's going on in the world.
- Honey?
- Just a sec'! These guys wanna have sex, they can still get it up.
- Who spanked the monkey? Hmm?
Apparently.
- Smart boy?
- Okay, let me tell ya'.
I was showing the old farts
about computers today,
and about getting on the internet, and about
all the stuff I can do on the computer like
editing, and you know, I said I could make my own
movie, this guy Bernard says could you make a porno
and I said, oh, well here,
lemme show you some porno.
- These guys are like, they're like conniving little children.
- Sweetheart?
- What?
- It's okay. I trust you.
- You do?
- Yes.
It's a convalescent home, how much
trouble can you really get into?
I think you'd be surprised.
Yeah? Oh...
surprise me.
Hello everyone.
My new best friend, J,
has generously offered to ask today's special
guest to come in and show you some...
invaluable self-defense moves.
When I heard he was coming,
I got all choked up.
Ah, I'm proud to introduce
Mr. Randy "The Natural" Couture.
Who the hell is Randy Couture?
Mr. Couture came in second on the 9th
season of "Dancing With The Celebrities".
Actually, I'm a former UFC heavyweight champion
and inductee into the UFC Hall of Fame,
but, you gotta be talking about Chuck Liddell.
Who was, what, ninth on that dance show?
And I'm...
way better looking than he is.
Mr. Couture is a mixed martial arts legend.
This guy practically invented the sport.
What is he talking about?
That shit ain't a sport. Just
a buncha ass-grabbin' homos
who didn't get enough lovin' from their mothers.
Is he gonna teach us to dance like a star?
Oh, ho, ho, I wish! Mr. Couture was nice
enough to come down and teach us some of the
basic movements of mixed martial arts.
He's gonna show you some pretty neat stuff,
so you can protect yourself,
should the need arise.
So...
let's get ready to wrestle!
Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen.
I'm very excited to be here this afternoon,
although not quite as excited as Greg here.
How many of you have seen
what we do in the Octagon?
Okay. Well, we could do a demonstration,
so... I need a volunteer.
How about you, sir?
I want to demonstrate some
pretty simple techniques
that don't require a lot of speed or strength,
but if you apply them properly, you
can take out even the biggest guy.
I want to make sure I isolate that bottom arm,
locking out that elbow and that wrist.
And from there, it's pretty easy to escape,
or even turn the situation around.
If you're ever attacked from the front,
somebody tries to grab you,
I wanna take that arm off, drag it by,
and now I get behind my attacker.
From here, I wanna apply a rear choke,
so I'm gonna wrap my arm around his neck,
I'm applying pressure to
both those carotid arteries.
I'll lock this technique on, in about 7 seconds
my attacker will pass out.
Now, you're a big strong guy.
- You wanna try that technique?
- Okay.
Okay, again. The rear choke, he
wraps the arm around the neck.
All right, let's slide this hand behind
that's gonna make it nice and tight.
Now from here, if I let him apply the choke,
he starts to cut off the blood... Hey, hey, hey...
that's gettin' tight.
He starts to... and, uh...
and...
Oh my god!
Oh! My god!!
Does anyone have a camera?
This'll be perfect for my Facebook page.
You guys pickin' up some
costumes for your grandkids?
- (mumbling)
- What?
- (mumbling)
- What?
Go fuck yourself.
Oh...
Douchebag says "what".
And I said "what".
Do you believe that salesman
talking about the grandchildren?
Like we came here for grandchildren.
- Do you believe that?
- What a nerd. Ooh!
This is the row.
- This is the row.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sexy?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh-ho yeah!
Here! Try these on.
So how do I look?
Really scary.
Is the air conditioning on?
Seems a little cool in here.
Hey, old timers, you wanna buy
a map to the star's homes?
You got Brangelina?
- Sure.
- You gonna ask her out?
- It depends.
- Say, you got any black people in there?
- Tiger?
- Oh! He's my hero!
He's a master sexter!
Wait a minute.
- He's black?
- Yeah.
Really?
He's nice.
Nice costume.
You too.
Trick or treat!
That's a damn good question
you've asked, fellows.
This "Trick or Treat."
Quite the conundrum, really.
Having said that,
my costumed friends,
as fate would have it,
I, too, have a question.
Brace yourselves, it's a doozy.
Which one of you pricks can guess,
what I've buried under my house...
Where you going? Hey!
I got Reese's Pieces in here.
And Winston Lights, come back!
I'll be right back.
I gotta do somethin'.
I wasted a whole hour watchin'
this douchebag's TV show.
Happy Halloween.
Sir?
Are you... is this ding dong ditch?
By a hundred-year-old?
Is this you running away? Sir?
That's funny. That's very funny.
You're not... you're not moving
very fast, sir. I could...
come down there and stick a
candy bar up your fuckin' ass.
If I felt like it.
Sir.
Have I done something to offend you?
In the past? I'm just curious
because I'm just sitting on my couch,
waiting for obnoxious children
dressed like Spiderman.
Fuck you, sir.
Fuck you.
Okay?
Fuck you!
I hope you have a fuckin'... horrible birthday,
if you ever have one... again.
Now I'm fuckin' depressed.
Is this my man's place?
I think so.
- Hey, fellows.
- Trick or treat!
Come on, isn't there an age
limit on trick or treating?
Just give us some candy, bitch.
Wow... well, Mr. Geezer, perhaps you've
had a little too much sugar, huh?
Look, I'm a rich fucker, how did you get in here?
Right? There's a security guy out there.
I don't like old people coming in and I just...
Get the fuck out of my place.
This is my house!
I didn't get any candy.
Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.
So, who'd be the bitch now, bi-atch?
So let's see, where we are right now.
What's this?
Hey, hey, hey! Shh, shh, shh! Guys, keep it down
just a little bit, okay? My wife's sleeping.
Is this it?
Oh, this is my office-slash-mancave.
- It's where I do most of my work.
- Where's the indoor pool, and the manservant?
Come on, inside voice, okay?
I gave Cheswick the night off.
Somebody wake me when it's time to
go, this place is boring as shit.
What's with all the boxes?
Are you moving?
No. No, um...
A while back, my... my mother had a bad
fall and broke her hip, so you know,
we had to put her in a rest home, I'm...
- I'm goin' through her stuff.
- Where is she?
- Nancy Gaye.
- Jesus Christ!
Why in the world would
you put her there?
- What? What's wrong with it?
- Talk about boring, why don't you just ship her straight to the morgue?
Come on, it's not that bad.
- "It's not that bad?"
- When was the last time you were there?
Another ungrateful kid.
I just...
I just can't see her like that.
Will somebody help me down from here?
- Nice wheels!
- Yeah, I'm proud of Buster Hymen.
I got a dual 12-volt, 95 amp-hour,
deep-cycle, lead-acid sealed battery
with removable armrests for maximum maneuverability,
there's tracks in back, for snow, mud, and deep sand
high performance hybrid tires for off-roadin'
leather seat,
and double-reinforced hand grips for
superior handling and enhanced control.
What do you need all that for?
Victor!
Damn!
Come on, come on, come on, hurry!
Come on, you can!
Congratulations.
Welcome everyone.
It is so nice to see you all.
I am excited about our project today.
Because...
we are going to try something a little different.
Come on in.
Come on, don't be shy.
This is Luke, everyone.
Luke, you just step right up here and
turn around and, um...
Well...
- Oh, my!
- Meh!
No.
Well. Oh, Bernard.
- You're joining us today.
- They canceled Bingo.
Well, it's very nice to have you.
Just come right over here,
I have a chair for you, right next to Victor.
Okay, here's the chair.
Oops, there you go. And...
Never thought I'd be sittin' in a
girlie class with peckerwoods like you.
We got a nude model today.
- Go on!
- Yep.
Big titties?
Oh... very well endowed.
Well, wait till she gets a load of Big Sexy.
Okay, class, now, let's begin
by entering the clay with our
hands and taking hold of it.
Yes, let it envelop your imagination...
as it does your fingertips.
Oh, become one with its and soft, pliable wetness.
Let go of your inhibitions and
mold the piece to your will.
Now, maybe you want to focus
on one certain area...
Like, um...
the eyes, or...
the feet...
for example.
Or, maybe just the overall
essence of the model.
Oh, knead and stretch,
pull, prod, and twist the clay
into submission.
Uh... Well, let's see what we have here.
Oh, my! That's very van Gogh, Rex.
Oh, why that's excellent realism, Ruth.
And very nice, Mary.
Mary?
Ah-hah...
Oh, Victor!
Victor, um...
Yes!
And Bernard!
Bernard, that's very imaginative.
That is very good use of
personal interpretation.
Oh, and please. Please feel free to use your
hands on the model, to mold what you see.
I mean, after all, art is as much
about feeling as it is about seeing.
Damn, this must be my lucky day.
Oh, I wish it were me.
Come on, I'll take you to the model.
All rightie? Here we go.
And I have a chair for you... have
a seat right here, there you go.
And I'll just wheel you
right up here, and here...
let's begin with the foot.
Oh! Ooh...
Big Sexy likes your feet.
Oh! And you work out, too.
You need to shave more often, baby.
Ooh, that's hot!
Come to papa, Sugar Bush!
Oh-oh! We got us a problem here.
I don't think you sugar,
because that sure ain't no bush.
Gotcha.
Well, I hope you get a refund from the rabbi.
Still your turn, Rex.
What's, uh... what's that little transaction there?
What do you keep handing her?
Oh, just makin' some extra cash.
- Extra cash?
- Yeah, I sell my Percocet and Vicodin.
You're a drug dealer?
No, I'm not a drug dealer, I just sell drugs
people want to buy. That's all.
- You guys are really not what I expected.
- It's a good way to help pay some of the bills.
Since they legalized medicinal marijuana,
been a windfall for us.
- So you're a drug dealer too?
- I'm not a drug dealer.
You just go to the doctor and you say "Oh,
Doc, I have terrible migraines this week."
And then next thing you know you got 500
bucks in ganja and Medicare covers the bill.
Your tax dollars at work.
- See that dried-up prune over there?
- Yes.
She's been screwin' his brains out for months,
just for his drugs!
That's not his granddaughter?
Uh-uh... She found him on Craigslist.
That's pretty sad!
Not for him.
So what did you expect?
What do you mean?
I mean, since we're not what you expected,
then what did you expect?
- Oh, uh, I don't know...
- Don't be a pussy now,
- Well, I guess I thought you'd be...
- Sitting around, waiting to die?
Yeah, sort of...
Depressed, decrepit and useless?
A little, maybe...
Angry, bitter, and rude?
All right, look. I admit, I was
buyin' into a stereotype, forgive me,
but... let's face it, there's a lot of stuff
you guys just can't do like you used to...
and Rex, he wouldn't remember to eat lunch
if it wasn't written down on a note somewhere.
That's true,
but I bet you any one of us here
is more content with his life
than you are.
Percocet?
- Hey Sandy, only two today.
- Oh, good!
It's here! It's here!
Ruth? I've never seen
you so excited before!
Oh, it's it! It's the DVD!
It's here!
Oh, baby! I've been waiting for you!
Virgin territory!
Excuse me ma'am, may help carry
your package to your room?
Honey, you can carry mine,
if I can carry yours!
Looking sharp there, Victor!
- Nice hat.
- Thank you.
- Oh, um... where's Rex!?
- Yes, where is Rex?
And the music's even shittier than last year!
Any hot bitches around?
Ow!
- Josephine...
- She's married!
Buford dies last month!
Really!
Pay up!
Take it!
So she's on the rebound, eh?
Oh, she's on the ultimate rebound.
I'll have to tap that ass!
Give her my number!
Thanks everyone for joining us for
our sixth annual Moonlight Hootenanny!
This year's theme will incorporate
our "Going Green" initiative,
there'll be a lot of special editions and
exciting changes in the coming weeks.
I wanna give a shout-out to Edith
for providing tonight's exciting ear candy,
and remind everyone of our special
"Ladies' Choice Dance," so...
without further ado,
Now... it's a party!
What is with the shit-eating grin?
Things are gonna start
looking up around here!
I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
The way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model
You know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk
On the catwalk, yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
Oh! I think I'm stuck!
Hey, hey... I got the munchies.
Let's find Rex and get
the hell out of here!
Face down, ass up
That's the way we like to fuck
Face down, ass up
That's the way we like to fuck
I'm lookin' for a bitch to spend the night
Do the crazy thing while I fuck all night
I make her do things like nothing before
And when I'm done, she'll always be sore
From the things I do when I'm fuckin'
And when I'm tired, the bitches start suckin'
I double team with a friend of mine
Luke's in front and I'm behind
Just ridin' you like a pony
While you suck my dick, makin' me horny
Then all of a sudden we'll switch positions
Prop your ass up and freak the pushin'
And when I cum, you'll hear me roar
I'll treat any bitch like a whore
'Cause it's the way I like to fuck
It's face down and ass up!
(indistinct)
Fuck that burger!
Fuck!
It's the cops!
Everybody run!
Driver's license, registration,
and proof of insurance.
Turn the camera off!
- J? Is that you?
- Hi, Kev.
- Doin' some research.
- No problem.
Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
I don't think so.
It was my turn to be the designated driver.
- Right guys?
- Yes, yes! - Yeah.
Face down, ass up
That's the way I like to fuck
Turn the music off!
Always pulling over the black guy!
Get out of the car, sir.
Okay sir, I'm gonna administer some tests to find out
if you're too impaired to operate a motor vehicle.
The first thing I want you to
do is take your index finger,
tilt your head back, and touch the tip
of your finger to the tip of your nose,
in this manner, and alternate.
Okay, next...
I want you to count
backwards from 78 to 69.
69...
70!
72 ..
73 ..
Okay. Okay, we're almost done.
I want you to walk a straight line,
now I want you to do it
heel-to-toe, just like this...
Then turn around,
and walk back.
Uh, Sir! Sir, sir, sir, sir!
Based on my observations,
I believe you've had too much to drink.
Have I?
This is a breathalyzer. I want you to blow
into the breathalyzer until I say stop.
- There.
- Here...
Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!
Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!
And stop.
I'll be! You're clean.
Told you.
Look, you're free to go,
but, will you speed up?
Say... thanks for lettin' me drive.
I always wanted to do that.
That was you?
Now, time for a booty call.
This is Ruth! Oh, I'm so sorry,
I can't come to the phone right now.
I learned how to give a great BJ.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like shit.
That's disgusting!
These fuckin' low-flow
toilets don't flush a thing.
I'm too old for this shit!
I'm gonna stop drinking for good.
I mean it this time.
Well, like they say down south...
We gonna see y'all now, hear?
You guys sure know how to party.
Oh-ho! You should've seen Victor.
I thought I was gonna die last night.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys.
Are you afraid of dying?
- Nah.
- I'm not afraid of dying.
I'm afraid of outliving my money.
I can afford to live about six more years.
I can afford about five.
And then what?
But... but the idea of death itself,
you don't, you don't find that scary?
- Nah.
- Oh, hell no!
In fact...
we got a death pool.
A death pool?!
Yeah, see?
You pick who you think is next to die.
If you're right, you win.
What if two guys pick the
same person to die?
Well then, we use cause of death.
Heart attack, stroke...
See? Whoever gets the closest.
Don't some people find the idea of
a "death pool" a little offensive?
Well, you don't have to play if you
don't want to, but most everyone does.
Some that do,
I won 100 bucks last month.
- He got lucky with Wilber.
- That wasn't luck.
I was watchin' him, he'd
been coughing for weeks.
You don't mess around with
pneumonia at this age.
Good riddance.
- Good riddance? Come on, the poor guy's dead.
- Just because he's dead doesn't mean he...
wasn't an asshole when he was alive.
So, Bernard, who do
you have next to go?
- Victor.
- Victor?!
Oh, yeah.
Well that's messed up!
How the hell do you have me going?
O.D., drug overdose.
Well then, I'm changing my pick to you.
You'll either get hit by a bus or
drown in the pool.
I'll decide later.
All right, so listen, uh...
tomorrow, tomorrow night!
Is the big talent show.
You guys ready?
Ready as I'll ever be.
I've been practicing for weeks.
I'm tellin' you, nobody
stands a chance against me.
Oh, I don't know. From what I've
heard, you may have some stiff competition.
Well that ain't the only
thing stiff around here.
Where the hell's my phone?
I'm always losing the damn
thing when I'm drunk.
So, these old geezers have
a lot of life left in 'em.
I don't know, maybe getting old
isn't the worst thing in the world.
Beats the alternative, as they say.
Nancy Gaye Nursing Home...
Hi, can you please connect
me with Pat Kimball's room?
Boys, I'd like you to meet my Mom.
She's hot.
I know everyone has been diligently rehearsing
their numbers and is ready to show you their stuff!
Get on with it!
Cut! Cut!
Cut it now!
- That was good! Uh, Pete, did you get that?
- Yeah, I got it.
Okay, then print it. Nice job!
It's a wrap!
Cut! That...
It sucked.
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
It sucks. It's...
I wouldn't use this...
as fill in a porno.
Cut! Cut! Cut!
One word review: shit sandwich.
Cut! Cut! It's just... they're...
you're not... the whole thing is it's...
it's no good.
A woman goes to a gynecologist.
She says, "Doctor, I can't find my pussy cat!"
The doctor says, "..."
Guy comes home, and he says, "Honey! Honey!
Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"
"Where are we going?"
"I don't care! Just get the fuck out!"