4th Man Out (2015) Movie Script
1
Today's the day.
This is it.
Whew.
All right guys, I wanna talk
to you about something.
Umm...
This isn't easy for me,
but I'm...
I'm turning 24 today,
and I think it's just time
I told you the truth.
What I mean is...
Okay so the thing is that, uh...
Hey Martha, how are you?
Adam, I hope
you like blueberries.
Oh wow. Thanks.
You didn't have to do all this.
Oh, nonsense.
It was no trouble at all.
It's just leftovers
from church group this week.
Oh yeah?
It's so nice to have a good
strong man like yourself
- that enjoys my cooking.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh and you're still free
next Saturday, right?
Oh, Saturday?
My niece is definitely
coming this time
and I have told her
all about you.
Oh yeah, about that,
I am actually...
Saturday is not really
good for me.
- Oh, you must.
- Okay, but...
- You must.
- Well there's...
- You have to.
- Can I...
- You'll be thrilled to do it.
- You know that's...
It's got to happen, I tell you.
- - Oh wait, did
I catch you at a bad time?
Oh no, it's just, it's Chris.
He's just, he's picking me up.
Oh you boys
don't get in any trouble.
Don't do anything
the good lord wouldn't do.
Okay. Thanks.
Thanks for these.
Oh I have to see Chris.
I can't do it.
I've gotta see him.
Hi, Chris.
Hey, Martha.
You have got to bang
your neighbor, man.
It is the least you can do.
Nah, it's not like
I'm keeping her tupperware.
Besides, she's trying
to set me up with her niece.
Dude, then bang
the frickin' niece, man.
What are you waiting for?
I don't think
I could do that, man.
- The thing is... dude, I don't
wanna hear your excuses.
You're too damn nitpicky.
That's why
you're on a cold streak.
I don't care
how busted this chick is,
give her your dick
and keep the muffins coming.
Yeah.
It's gonna be an awesome night.
He's 25
trying to stay alive
trying to pay rent
trying to survive
no dollars in my pocket
yeah I'm losing my mind
yeah I'm trying
to pay rent
where I'm from it's summer
when it's raining
I'm so used
to everyone complaining
I'm the one complaining
trying to make some money
so I can see the ladies
statue of Liberty,
what you gonna give to me
woo woo
whoa
whoa
- Just take the shot.
- Oh, another miss.
- Fee-fi...
- You only get two shots dude.
- Fo-fum.
- Yes!
- What's up fuckfaces?
- Get in here, homos.
We leave for the bar in an hour,
I want you blacked out
by then, all right?
Especially you, birth day boy.
Yeah.
What's the rush?
That rush is that I haven't
had a Saturday off
in over a month...
Michelle, or from work?
- Uh from both, dude.
- Uhh.
And I am going to savor
every minute of it.
By being hung over all day?
Yeah, of course.
How'd you like that video
we sent you, huh?
Oh, yeah. She was
a real screamer, man.
And then that dude like dropped
a dq blizzard on her face.
Yeah, I could never
finish those.
It was almost as bad as the one I
dropped on Ortu's mom's face
last night.
- Hey, watch the eye.
- Domination.
Oh, Adam.
You wanna get gay?
What?
You want a shot?
- I'll get gay.
- I'll get gay.
Oh, y... yeah, sure.
Birth-gay.
Birth-gay shots.
Birth-gay shots.
Boys, there are
some good-looking girls
here tonight.
Best of luck to all of you.
Happy birthday, Adam.
- Cheers.
- To Adam.
- All right.
- So, uh...
Holy tits.
You gotta be fucking
kidding me, dude.
You guys are so lucky you
don't have girlfriends, man.
Look at those bombs.
You just bury your face in them
and be totally fine with it.
Yeah, I don't think
she'd be totally fine with it.
You don't think
they're together, do you?
I think so, man.
I don't think they're together.
Okay, so, um... what I
was saying before is-
is she looking?
- Uh, no. Look I'm...
- What about now? What about now?
Vascular as hell, bro.
Never mind.
Jeez, man.
- What's going on with you?
- Nothing.
You seem weird.
No. It's...
It's just, um...
- What?
- Um...
The girl to your right
in the Fanny pack,
she's totally
eye-fucking you.
Yeah, right now.
I'll be right back, boys.
I got a champ.
Oh yeah, just a quick...
Quick selfie.
Is this Prada?
Uh, yeah.
Actually it is.
It cost like $2,000.
I've never touched anything
that expensive before.
I'm sorry.
Oh my god, you guys.
We need to dance, now.
We need to dance right now.
We absolutely do need to dance.
Hey, Adam. You need to dance.
Right now.
I've got a dance partner
for you, right here.
- You do?
- Uh, hi.
Hey, Adam. This is Adam,
my dancing friend.
Oh my god. You're hot.
- You're drunk.
- No, I'm not.
He's great in bed too.
Real giver.
How do you know?
What? You don't sleep
with your best friends?
That's selfish.
- Okay.
- Very selfish. I'm sorry.
Why don't you guys
make out right now?
Mm-hmm.
Okay. We'd love to.
- Should we make cut right now?
- Um...
We'll do it, if they
do it kinda thing.
- Ye... um...
- I'm waiting.
You see the thing is,
we've both been drinking.
- Yeah, we've been drinking so...
- It'd be cheap.
Cheap. Very cheap.
Cheap, if we made out.
I really have to pee.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Hey. Did you just
take a picture of me?
Umm...
I...
He was, uh...
He was...
Snapping that guy's unibrow.
You think you're fucking
TMZ or something,
taking fucking pictures of me?
I can't tell if he's
surprised qr mad.
Hey. You got beef,
we can step outside.
Fuck that, it's cold outside.
Yeah, man.
Not all of us
wore our favorite
leather jacket to the bar.
I said, let's step outside.
What's wrong
with you? Come on.
Don't be a pussy.
You can do this.
Dude...
Don't yell at the little guy.
Just take a breath.
Relax your toes.
It'll come.
So you did take a picture
of my sister's chest.
You let your sister
dress like that?
That's your sister?
What's wrong with you?
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Chris!
Chris!
Listen, I know
this isn't the right time,
but...
I wanted to say that...
Fuck these chicks, we gotta go.
Unibrow guy got crazy.
Let's get out of here.
Whoa.
- Okay.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh my god.
- It's okay. It's okay.
You're fine.
- I'm gonna call you, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
- See ya.
I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
I scared him away.
I mistreated his friend.
I'm a terrible friend.
Chris.
- Chris.
- Hmm.
I'm gay.
Okay, man.
No-
I like guys.
Hmm?
I'm gay.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You okay?
You all right?
Fuck man.
Yes, yeah. I'm fine.
It's...
That's not you.
It's the excessive alcohol.
What the hell's going on?
I'm hurt, man.
Adam's gay.
I gotta take a shit.
I... I should
just head out.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no. It's cool. I'm gonna go.
- It's okay. Let you guys soak it in.
- No, Adam. No, dude.
No... Adam.
Adam, it's fine, man.
What the hell,
is he fucking with us?
Adam can't be gay, the
dude eats steak every day.
He was eating out
Dorothy CUDA in the 8th grade.
Dorothy fucking cu da.
I once saw him rebuild
the entire engine
on a '68 mustang.
Was that before
or after he ass-banged you?
Okay. Dude.
Too soon.
I forgot I didn't drive.
So you're really...
Gay, huh?
Yeah.
- Cool. Cool.
- Cool.
You've had sex
with women before.
You dated Courtney for a year.
Cried when she broke up
with you.
Yeah.
But that was like,
that was like two years ago.
I mean, who have
I been with since?
I mean, I just thought you
had really oddly high standards
in women.
I do. They just need
to be dudes.
So...
Why didn't you tell me before?
Well, I tried to tell
you guys last night.
No man, I mean like,
way the fuck before.
I don't know.
- Your parents know?
- No. God no.
It's hard enough
telling you guys.
- - Believe me,
I wanted to tell you before.
I wanted to tell you
for, like, ever.
You know?
I didn't want things to
be weird between us.
Hey, nothing's
gonna change, man.
I promise.
What do we even talk about now?
I just can't believe
you didn't know.
It was so obvious.
- You knew?
- I mean, come on.
He's a good looking guy
and he's never tried
to fuck any of my friends.
So? That doesn't
mean anything.
My friends are hot.
You know, you should
invite him over
- for a threesome. I'm sure he'd love that.
- Oh, sure.
Oh that's
a great idea. Yeah.
Let me call him up right now.
No, I'm serious.
You know, he wants you, right?
Shut up.
No, he doesn't want me.
Now, just get hard
because I have a date tonight.
- Oh yeah, with who?
- Just some guy.
- Oh.
- Why?
- Are you jealous?
- Not at all.
- Should I be?
- Okay, well just take your pants off.
And don't touch my face,
because I feel like
I'm starting to break out.
Oh.
Hey Paul.
Dude, I guarantee you a hot-ass
MILF drives this thing, man.
For sure.
Actually, you know what?
I think she used to drive it,
now, the daughter drives it.
Oh yeah.
Give that a whiff man.
I'm thinking 19.
Strawberry blonde.
Volleyball player maybe.
Take a rip.
Get deep.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Hey, come on. Get back to work here.
Lets go.
Ronnie, we're checking
the fucking mirrors, man.
Let's go, out of the car.
See, this one's broke.
I'm glad I checked this one.
This one was fucked up.
Think he's gonna show?
It's poker night.
He'll be here.
All right, boys.
Last card.
Man, so, uh, Chris,
you ever call
that Fanny pack girl?
Ah, no.
What's the matter'? Afraid your
fuck buddy's gonna get upset?
Me and Jess are not buddies.
We don't even like each other.
So what's the problem?
I can't remember
that chick's name, dude.
I drunkenly saved it
in my phone like an idiot.
Let me see that.
I'm really good with this stuff.
- Train.
- Train?
You saved her name
in your phone as "train."
Ah, I raise 20.
Damn it, if you didn't
get that ten on the river,
I could've sucked you dry.
Oh yeah.
Hey, uh. Can I see
your phone?
Mm-hmm.
Sucked it dry.
All right, boys.
Daddy's all in.
Let's see what you got.
Stop that.
Cut it out, man.
Come on, stop.
- Stop, just...
- What?
But dude, cut it out!
I got two eights.
Okay?
I call.
Aw, damn.
Fuck this.
- Oh that's probably Tracy.
- Hmm?
Well, if it starts t-r-a,
it's you know,
probably Tracy, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I could see her
being a Tracy.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna head out.
Uh, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Yeah, you guys
are gonna come over
for the hockey playoffs, right?
Oh yeah. Yeah,
see you then, man.
Cool.
Okay.
He definitely wants to fuck me.
This is all your fault.
My fault?
Yeah, with
your Saint gay rom, and EDM.
You're the one
who turned Adam gay.
Are you fucking serious?
You're the one who goes to all
these Taylor swift concerts.
First of all,
t-swift is a singing angel.
Mister skinny jeans
and ladies' deodorant.
I've got sensitive underarms.
It's not a secret.
Oh yeah, that's right. You do
take bubble baths with th e...
Dude, you're the one who
dragged us to see "les mis."
Oh fuck you, man.
"Les mis" is a classic.
- Why don't you tweet about it?
- You don't have time to tweet
'cause you're too busy
sucking Adam dry.
Oh, you were the one
eye-fucking him all night.
Okay, he was eye-fucking me.
That's not what I saw, GAYLORD.
You're full of it.
I'm not a GAYLORD.
I own a fantasy football team
and I like "die hard."
Hey guys.
Guys, stop. Stop.
We shouldn't blame anybody.
He was obviously born gay.
No, no.
It's fine guys.
Okay? I'll take the fall
on this one.
He... I'm too good looking.
No, it's nobody's fault.
Because there's
nothing wrong with him.
He's the same guy, right?
Right?
Another play by Stafford.
Perfect getting by him.
Myers passes up the wing
to McGINN,
turns inside, gets slammed
into the board side wall.
30 seconds left to go
on the power play down.
- Great start so far by the SABRES.
Boyle to Casey.
Pushes it up the ice.
Looks for McGINN,
taken away by Smith.
Goal, rangers!
And the game is all tied up.
The rangers time
of backing it in
and the game is all tied up.
Can someone just say
something, please?
Uhh.
So...
Um, you really like
the cock, huh?
As much as you like strippers.
No one can be that gay.
Sorry.
- No, it's fine.
Just say it, please.
I know you guys
don't mean anything by it.
You guys have been saying
shit like that fdr years.
You sure?
Yeah.
No one can be that gay.
Yeah.
Gay.
- Gay.
- Gay.
It's empowering.
Coming.
Oh my god.
You guys watching porn again?
- Holy fuck.
- Yeah, I know.
Fur a gay dude, he sure can't
take a goddamn picture.
Dudemingle?
"Hey cutie, can't wait
for tomorrow night"?
Think they banged?
I mean, I'd fuck this guy.
Put it away, Adam's coming...
Yeah, on BRADSTAWS lower back.
Good one.
- Icing.
- Aw, come on.
You... you can't blow
the whistle that quick.
So fucking gay...
No offense, Adam.
No offense for what?
Well you said something
about the gays.
And then you apologized to Adam.
Yeah. Adam doesn't like when we use
profanity in his house, Martha.
He cannot stand that shit.
Ah! Sorry, Adam.
- No offense, Adam.
- Sorry, buddy.
I... I had no idea
he was so pious.
I'm gonna take him
to my church group sometime.
Oh, what is this?
I wouldn't try to...
The ba'll'ery's dead.
I think my niece has one.
Oh, it's neat.
I can...
- Yeah, I'll take that.
- Than ks Martha.
It was really great.
Appreciate it.
- Uh. Umm...
- You all right?
Yeah, I cleaned it for you.
It's all clean now.
Oh no, nothing. I just feel a
little faint, that's all.
I think I'm gonna go lay down.
You know, it's getting late.
Decent people lay down
when it's late.
Okay.
Decent, that's what I'm doing,
'cause I'm decent.
What?
Menopause, man.
It's a bitch.
My mom slapped a kid
at Macy's once.
Hey. Sorry.
Uh, "Ghostbusters" was on.
Totally lost track of time.
Okay.
All right.
So, Brad...
When did you take
that profile picture?
I'm sorry.
That's not me.
Oh.
It's a little dishonest.
Blah.
You know, but I felt like we had
this real connection online.
And I didn't wanna run the risk cf
not getting to know you better,
'cause of something
as shallow as looks.
Right?
You're not shallow are you?
So, how's your friend feeling?
- Kim.
- Yeah.
She said she's never
drinking again.
- Never?
- Yeah.
Wow. So...
Friday, then?
Yeah, probably, Thursday.
Probably Thursday.
Okay.
Um, actually on Thursday
it's karaoke night
at the rail.
Mm.
You should come.
- I should.
- Yeah.
And bring your friend.
Adam, was it?
Yeah, it was.
Are you inviting me on a date?
Yeah, like a...
Like a group...
- A group gathering.
- It's fun.
Yeah, it will be fun.
I would love to go.
I don't think that Adam
and Kim are gonna work.
Why? 'Cause she puked
everywhere?
No.
He's gay.
- He's gay?
- Yeah.
- Are you serious?
- He's gay.
So, the two of you actually
have slept together then?
No, that was a joke.
I didn't even know
that he was gay,
until he woke me up and told me
the next morning.
Were you in bed together?
This is going great.
- Yeah, it's...
- | love this place.
It's cool.
- Oh, I got this.
- No, we can split it.
Oh no, you can make
it up to me later.
Now what do you say
we get out of here
and head back to my place?
You're gonna love my basement.
I got it totally pimped out.
Xbox 360.
Have you ever heard huey
Lewis and the news on vinyl?
You wanna take me
to your basement?
It'd be fun.
Oh, did you want one of these?
It's all right, it's ROPEX.
It's really great
for, you know...
It's made me feel
so uncomfortable,
like having a gay guy around
it's makes all us feel...
Oh my god.
What is wrong with you?
- What do you mean?
- Your friend just came out cf the closet.
Do you have any idea
how hard that is?
Yeah. It's been
very hard.
That's what
I'm trying to tell you.
No. Not for you.
For him, you moron.
Oh my god.
Your best friend just told you
how his life
is gonna change forever.
And all you're concerned about
is how it made
poker night awkward.
Well, and the hockey game.
I'm kidding. Let's-
Let's change the subject.
These mo-jitos
are really good.
I know what you're thinking,
a basement.
Real romantic, right?
Mm-hmm.
I'm telling you,
it's totally discreet.
Not even my wife
is allowed down there.
Shit, man, that's...
That's awesome.
I would love to.
But I just...
I have to go water my plants.
Water your plants, huh?
How does that one go?
Uh, you tilt your head
to the side.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Keep your eyes shut.
And then...
And then what?
So how was your date last night?
Aw, dude.
Long story short,
Tracy thinks
I'm a giant asshole.
Oh, man. I thought girls
liked giant assholes.
Not this one, man,
she is different.
Adam, are you good?
Are you happy?
Yeah.
I guess so.
I figured.
You seem happy.
I told you that nothing
was gonna change...
You guys are trying.
Appreciate it.
You know, things could've
been a lot worse with Tracy.
I doubt it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Was she 45, and married?
Did she want to take you
to her basement
and make you her sex slave?
What?
Dude, what happened to you?
Nothing happened.
At least you have
Jess, I mean...
I just want someone.
What are you talking about, man?
You're a good looking guy,
I'm sure you've broken
a million guys' hearts.
Not really.
I mean, Scott lombardi,
but that was six years ago.
- Scott lombardi?
- Yeah.
No. When you were
helping him fix his Camaro?
Oh yeah...
Yeah... yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, but that was high school.
I mean, think about
how many girls
you guys have been with
since then.
Yeah.
We need to cheer him up, guys.
He's not happy.
I don't think
he's been happy for a while.
Okay, well... I'm still
not gonna let him fuck me.
Nick. Nobody wants
to fuck you.
You're just...
Now you're being a liar.
Guys, can we take
this seriously?
I mean, do you have any idea
what a depressed gay man
is capable of?
Writing a shitty emo song.
Winning a Tony.
Yeah, true.
But loneliness sucks.
I mean, what if Nick was lonely?
If hypothetically, Nick
was a sad, lonely person...
- Yeah. -'Cause he pushes
people away with his anger.
Fuck you, man. I'm-i plowed three
and half girls this last month.
- It's more than you plowed in the last...
- Half?
Okay, but Adam
is a real person...
Fuck you guys,
I've got feelings.
Well, then prove it.
Instead of turning everything into
a fucking "your mom" joke.
Okay. What do you want
us to do?
Yeah, there's like...
There's like a...
The grinding kind of noise.
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's the head gasket.
It's definitely the head gasket.
Oh, yeah. That's what
I thought it was.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking with you.
Just change your oil.
Hey, can I...
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
What's up?
What's power bottom?
Do you really wanna know?
- Yeah.
- No, no. Fuck it. I can't.
You're just gonna make
a bunch of ass jokes.
Uh...
So, you read
any good books lately?
Any literature?
Uh, yeah.
I mean I read
an article about Kinsey.
Pretty good.
What's... what's Kinsey?
What's Kinsey?
He's a sex scientist.
Never heard of him?
No.
You want me to send it to you?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be...
Yeah, I wanna... yeah I'd
really love to read that.
What don't you understand?
- You just swipe right if they're hot.
- Okay.
You swipe left
if they're busted.
All right, and then what?
Then you send them a message.
Sample.
And there's always grindr too.
Yeah, but that's only if you
want to try to have butt-sex
like five minutes from now.
The fuck is grindr?
How do you know what grindr is?
How do you know what grindr is?
Okay, I don't-i just don't think
that apps are gonna work.
Well, you have to give it
a chance, man.
Put yourself out there.
Flirt with them,
but play hard to get.
Let them know
that you're into them,
but make sure
you don't text last.
Yeah, no, that's easy
for you guys.
I have to walk up to a guy,
and wonder like,
oh am I gonna
get punched in the face?
And you guys can just walk
up to any girl you want.
Yeah, but then we
have to hang cut with girls.
Just once, I'd like to go out
to a nice dinner and a movie
and not have to hold in
a fart the whole time.
You fart around Michelle
all the time.
Well it took two years of farting in
a tupperware to get to that point.
So gross.
Ortu's right, man.
As a gay man, you have
the ultimate advantage.
You're a fucking dude.
It's easy to get another guy
'cause you know exactly
what dudes like to do.
Yeah.
Yeah. Right?
Go with your instincts.
What do guys do again?
You got that love
that rises like the sun
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
you got a diamond
in the rough
and I can't
get enough
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
I wanna make
you go wild
and watch you glow
in the light
you feed that something
inside of me
the devil sent me away
to break you
out of your cage
I'll get you higher
than you'll ever be
yeah
I was under the ground
when you turned
it around
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
and I'm counting on you
to carry me through
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
and I am living
my dream
watching you move
till you scream
god only knows
what you do to me
- It's a nice place.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's good.
So, uh, your tinder profile
said that "SCARFACE"
is your favorite movie?
Yeah. Yeah, it's one
of my favorites.
Fucking right on, bro.
I hate these queers
who think that being gay
is an excuse to have no balls.
I'm gay, but I love
"scar face."
- Yeah.
- No.
I fucking live it.
This was a terrible idea.
I mean, don't you feel it?
Everyone is staring at us.
Uh, I don't see
anybody staring at us.
Just take a picture,
why don't ya?
It's like she's never seen
two guys share a meal together.
It's like, sharing a meal.
- Tony would've hated this place.
- I'm sorry, who?
Tony, my ex-boyfriend.
Oh.
So dark, and so mysterious.
Yet, still real.
I don't even know
why we broke up.
Can't imagine why.
"Say hello
to my little friend."
You like that?
You think you're so tough?
Oh, she's looking
at me over there.
- Yeah.
- She doesn't like that one.
I... no, no, no, no. Sorry.
Nothing against you.
We're just doing "SCARFACE."
First date over here.
You want one
of my French fries, bro?
It's just like a little phase
that I'm going through.
I do a lot of girls too.
- Yeah...
- so...
you look like you would.
Thanks.
He had the most fantastic cock.
Well he did.
It was this big.
I don't really know
what I'm gonna get.
I'm probably just gonna
get a beer.
Yeah, so many choices.
I think me too.
Uh, so your profile says
you're into gardening.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just something
I used to do with my mom.
I should probably know
what these are,
but I have no clue.
I definitely don't.
You know,
I always wanted to try that
but everyone says
it's for old people.
- Yeah, I don't know why everyone says that.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
Yeah I mean, I'm 24, but I
don't have to wait until I retire
to get fresh
vine ripened tomatoes.
You know?
I want them now.
You wanna get nachos?
Uh, yeah.
I'd love some.
Two nacho
platters on a first date.
What were you thinking?
First nice guy I meet,
and I almost make him pass out.
Fuck that arrogant prick, man.
He's not nice.
If you can't enjoy the smell
of another man's farts,
then you don't want
to know that man.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's just my parents,
they, uh...
They smelled it too?
Wait, they were there?
No, my parents invited me
over to dinner tonight.
Oh, wow.
Well, that's awesome man.
What's Karen making?
Maybe I'll stop by.
I'm gonna tell them.
- Oh.
- What?
Well, good luck with that.
I'm sure they're
gonna understand.
Maybe you guys could come.
- Uh... this was tonight?
- Yeah.
No, tonight I'm doing a...
Michelle and I have groupon.
I... I would...
Yeah, I would come over,
but, you know, I'd probably...
Just say something stupid
and make it way worse.
Yeah.
What about you, Chris?
My parents love you.
Maybe, you know,
like, make it easier.
- Of course, man.
- Okay.
So Adam, how are things?
Mom, I'm gay.
I'm sorry man, can I
just be your dad again?
No, I need to be ready
for anything.
And don't be afraid
to be mean, I can handle it.
That's why I have
these note cards.
Meaner, okay.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Mom, I'm gay.
What? That's disgusting.
How could you do this to me
after I brought you
into this world?
Anderson Cooper.
I'm a terrible mother.
Um... Ricky Martin.
I'm a terrible mother.
Neil Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris.
What? Are your notes just
a list of famous gay dudes?
No, I have lesbians too.
Okay. Forget the list, dude.
Just be honest.
What's the worst
that could happen?
My mom has a heart attack
and my dad freaks out
'cause I'm never gonna
give him grandkids.
Jesus, man.
You're gay.
Not sterile.
And your dad collects
antique clocks,
he'll understand.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry to keep everybody waiting.
For your cooking, Karen,
I would wait all night
if I had to.
- Chris.
- I'll tell you, this salad is incredible.
How is everything?
You still dating Jessica?
Yeah... sometimes.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
What about you, Adam? When am
I gonna see you with a nice girl?
Gee mom, I don't know.
- Lindsay has a boyfriend. Did she tell you?
- No.
- Actually mom, we broke up last week.
- Good.
He's been trying to Snapchat me
nonstop since.
I hate Snapchat.
If he gives you any trouble,
let me know, okay?
Adam and I will take care of it.
Yeah.
Chris, do you think Jessica
has someone for our Adam?
You know what? You may be
on to something there, Karen.
What about Dorothy Cuba'?
Didn't you two have a thing?
Uh, yeah. We went
to junior prom,
like six years ago.
- You two were so cute together.
- You were.
Did I tell you that I ran
into her mother
- at the grocery store the other day?
- Nope.
Yeah, and she told me
that Dorothy is back in town,
and she's single, you know.
Great. So...
So...
Make yourself available.
It feels like forever since
you broke up with Courtney.
It's time to move on.
Get yourself back out there.
Yep. You're right.
And, uh, actually, I...
I have have been.
It's true. He's actually been
going on a lot cf dates lately.
Meeting some interesting people.
Yep.
Anything serious?
Uhh, no.
I don't wanna sound like one
of those crazy old mothers
that does nothing but hound
her son for grandkids.
It would just be nice
to see you with someone.
And what if I never
meet somebody?
You will. You're gonna
meet a great girl.
- Sooner than you think.
- No, I'm not.
Because...
I...
I...
Elton John.
What's rocket man
have to do with anything?
So you're going
on a double date?
Yeah. I think
Adam's excited about it.
Yes.
Aw. Hey, why didn't you
ever set me up
with any of Jess's hot friends?
You banged two and then
never called them again.
Okay, they never called
me either so...
What... what am
I supposed to do?
Oh. One second, boys.
I'll get it.
Hey Martha.
Hello, Chris.
Just dropping this off for Adam.
Could you see that he gets it
before it's too late
in the eyes of god?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Thank you.
Ortu, I hope you're hungry.
Oh fuck. Free cake.
Oh.
What the hell is camp leviticus?
I think it's one of those
conversion camps for gay dudes.
If you wanna make
a gay dude straight,
you gotta show a little
more cleavage on that cake.
Actually, according to
an article I was reading,
the apa has no proof that a
change in sexual orientation
is even possible.
Hey man, sorry.
We kinda outed you to her.
Oh, I don't care.
She thinks we're all gay.
Wait a minute.
You have a date tonight,
and you're wearing
those pants with those shoes?
And that loose shirt?
You can't even see your abs.
So I tell the curator,
you see the name on the wall?
This is my gallery.
If I want to submit a 15x8,
I'm gonna submit a 15x8.
And that shut him up...
So fast.
I bet it did.
Uh, what do you paint exactly?
Mostly abstract post-modern
deconstructionalism,
peppered with neoclassical
ideologies.
Wow, that's a lot.
So Jess tells me
you're a mechanic.
Yeah. Yeah,
I do mostly everything.
Small repairs,
tune-ups.
- Great mechanic.
- Than ks, man.
God, how do you do it?
You're going through life
everyday, never creating art.
I couldn't imagine.
Yeah. Yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.
You know,
I actually sketch everyday.
I just don't have
the talent that you have.
We should check out my gallery
sometime. Maybe I can inspire you.
After you have to go to
this GORDITOS place,
and across the street
is this fabulous boutique.
I'd take some of my other
girlfriends there,
but they don't have
the body for the place.
- Oh.
- I said it.
- Oh, stop.
- I just said it.
- You said it.
- There it goes.
You just said it.
I gotta take you
to taco bell sometime,
they've got
this fabulous new gordita.
Oh, really? Wow.
- Do I have the body for it?
- You do.
- Oh, thank you.
- You just said it.
- I said it.
- You said it.
Marc do you wanna come
outside and smoke with me?
I wanna hear all about
this boutique.
Oh, usually I'd say no,
but two MARGS
and I start smoking
like a little hot tamale.
Oh. Wow.
He seems...
- Non-threatening...
- I hate him.
Okay.
Oh, Adam.
Nice to see you here.
Is this the reason
you're not texting me back?
Uhh... no.
No, it's not what it looks like.
Oh no, we're not dating.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Sometimes I fly off the handle.
Sorry about that.
- We're engaged.
- What?
Right, Chris?
Oh, this is Brad.
Brad, remember I was
telling you about him.
- Oh honey duder, this is BRADSTAR?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
BRADSTAR,
it is a pleasure to meet you.
No, I'm not gonna
shake your hand.
I could've given you everything,
you know that right?
You toss me aside
for nothing but a gigolo.
- Whoa, whoa...
- A pretty face.
He's not a gigolo.
He's awesome.
He's my best friend.
What's going on here?
Who the hell are you?
Marc Peters, Adam's date.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, I see.
So, apparently
I'm the only guy here
who you're not fucking,
is that right?
Why didn't you tell me
you're into group stuff, silly?
- Well...
- Right?
We could go down
to my basement, all of us.
- It'd be fun.
- Ooh.
- A group thing.
- Yeah.
Think about it,
text me later, okay?
Okay.
Well, I should have
seen it before,
it's so obvious,
with your perfect hair,
and those,
"look at my crotch," jeans.
Mm, and you should see him dance
when he gets two MARGS in him.
Right?
They're not...
Fine, call it bisexual. If
it helps you sleep at night.
Okay. Okay,
this is enough.
I don't know what's
going on, Chris.
Tell Marc that you and Adam
haven't slept together.
Yeah, tell him.
Well... I guess we didn't do
a whole lot of sleeping.
No, we definitely did not.
Well, maybe like
a little bit, like...
- Naps
- like in between.
Yeah, but mostly it was
just going at it.
Marc, you have
no idea how good it is.
I mean, I hate even talking
about it over dinner.
- But...
- Yeah, don't brag.
I would die if I couldn't create
fabulous multiple orgasms
with you every night.
Oh, that means the world to me.
Oh, thanks for the invite, Jess. But
I can tell when I'm not wanted.
What? Really?
My boy e-Zach is DJING
at the "UNSH-UNSH" bar tonight
and I was gonna get going
anyway.
- Oh, it was really nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Kiss, kiss.
Ew, ew.
Great headband.
- Ew.
- Ew, ew, ew.
- Kiss kiss.
- What kind of gay are you?
You are hating on your own kind.
Yeah, I don't hate him
because he's gay.
- No, he hates him 'cause he sucks balls.
- Yeah.
Oh, you are such an asshole.
I'm an asshole?
You're an asshole for making
us hang out with this guy.
What made you think Adam
would ever like that prick?
Well, Adam's gay.
And he's gay.
So what else is there?
Uh, attraction,
mutual interests...
Not being a giant,
raging douchebag.
Oh, that's on your list too?
Well, since you two
have so much in common,
why don't you fuck him tonight?
Because we're over.
Whoa, okay, Jess.
We're kidding.
Fuck.
I'll be right back.
Ahh.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.
I'm sorry, okay?
We're kidding.
We're just joking around.
Mm, maybe you are.
But Adam's not.
You know, you probably
shouldn't joke around.
You're only screwing
with his head.
What are you talking about?
Chris, I told you
this would happen.
Adam likes you.
Adam does not like me.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm a girl,
I notice these things.
Adam didn't
even give Marc a chance.
He barely even looked at him
because he was too busy
staring at you all night.
No, it's because looking at Marc
makes you want to murder someone.
Mm. Okay. Okay, fine.
Don't believe me.
But when you wake up
one morning,
tied to your bed with
Adam's tongue in your ass,
don't come crying back to me.
Hey, man.
There you are.
You wanna get gay?
What?
I got some two shots.
You want one?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Cheers, man.
- Cheers, dude.
- Oh.
- Ah.
God, it does not get any easier.
No, but can we have two more?
Boo.
Ahh.
You should do it.
- No.
- Yep.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- You should do it, you should call her.
Abso-frickin-lutely not.
- No, seriously. You should call her.
- Never again, man.
I don't care how hot she is,
or how good
of blow jays she gives...
- No.
- She's a crazy bitch.
I'm not talking about Jess,
I'm talking about Tracy.
Oh. No, man.
I already blew that one.
If I call her now, I'm
just gonna look desperate.
Besides man, girls like her
do not go for guys like me.
Girls like what?
You talk about her
like she's perfect.
You don't even know her.
Oh, I know her.
I know her.
I know that she's got
enough balls
to wear a Fanny pack to a bar.
She's cool enough
to like MOJITOS,
and "Ghostbusters."
She's funny, smart...
Aww, man.
Now you sound like the gay one.
Fuck you.
Okay. Just fucking
call her, dude.
Hey, Tracy.
It's, um...
It's Chris.
All right.
Hey Tracy, uh, it's Chris...
Um...
- Hey.
- Hey...
I'm not here right now,
so just leave me a message,
and I'll call you right back.
Um...
I'm just calling...
To make sure
that you...
You didn't...
No one, no one bother, um...
Uh, that everything
worked out just fine...
That even...
Um, just calling
to wish you a happy day.
- - Anyways...
Cute voicemail.
Uh, it's Chris. Bye.
Here you go, dude.
Nothing cures a hangover
like a hit of DOOBER.
Thanks.
What'd you guys do
last night anyway?
Went on a double date
with Chris.
- Gay.
- Really?
Yeah, I mean, think about
what can you not do
on a double date?
You can't get your fuck on.
Am I right?
Did you fuck her?
You didn't fuck her.
- Did you fuck her?
- No. No.
- You dirty dog.
- Did not fuck her.
See that's what I'm saying.
- - See, next time,
bring her to your house. All right?
So it's just the two of you.
Rent a horror movie,
clean the bathroom,
put some candles out, man.
They appreciate that stuff.
- Put a tie on...
- Hello?
You know what I mean'? Also
get the lube going before she-
hey, got any visine?
Why? Ryan's not
coming back?
Uh, yeah. No, I just...
It's a customer.
I don't wanna look
unprofessional.
But then I'm telling you,
ten minutes...
- You got any gum?
- Your shorts are gonna be off.
Gum? How hot
is this girl, man?
You know what,
never mind. Forget it.
Hey...
- How's it going?
- Good. Can I help you with something?
Yeah, I think something's
wrong with my car.
It's been overheating a lot
and sometimes it just
shuts off completely.
Ah, yeah. Sounds like
it could be your radiator.
Let's just pop it open.
Eh...
- Pop this.
- I can get it.
It's sometimes a little tricky.
Oh. Sorry.
Oh, no. By all means.
Okay.
- Oh.
- I' ll get that.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
You know what,
it could be your DC inverter.
Really?
Uh, yeah.
What's a DC converter?
It's an inverter.
It's this.
It's what...
Makes your car work.
Oh yeah, they have arrived.
The official invites
to papa Ortu's fourth
of July barbeque bash.
See you there,
and see you there.
And you better rsvp this time.
Fuck that, you know I'm going.
Why do I need to rsvp?
'Cause my dad's sick and tired
of running out of ribs.
If you don't rsvp,
you don't get any ribs.
Whoa, slow down, tiger.
What's up with you?
I think I met someone.
Seriously?
Who?
Well, I don't know
his name exactly,
but we had a moment.
A moment? Like where
was this, in a truck stop?
No. How do you know so much
about gay things?
No. He... I don't
even know if he's gay.
Don't you have gaydar?
Well, kind of.
If you had gaydar, you'd know
that Nick loves the cock.
So what did this gentleman's
pants look like?
- Could you see his ankles?
- Uh...
Was he, like, wearing
a tank top?
Were his nipples pierced?
Yeah, what about his underwear,
did it have a brightly
colored elastic band?
Super jacked?
He was a normal gay,
with like earth-tone colors.
Full length pants.
No nipple piercings.
I couldn't really see
his underwear,
but it was probably
And he had muscles,
but not, like, too muscley.
He was probably,
he was like a normal dude.
Ooh.
Uh...
Oh. How did
he eat a banana?
How would you eat a banana?
Like put the whole thing in
and pull out just the peel.
Okay, then that's
exactly... I don't know.
- He was just...
- Guys, guys.
Guys, it says... it says
that people in north Korea
aren't even allowed
to eat bananas.
They don't know what...
They don't know they exist.
I did not know that. Wow.
Okay, look. All: Know
is that this guy,
he was super friendly.
And at some point we like had
eye contact for two seconds.
Two seconds?
That's nothing.
That's just like being
a polite gentleman.
Like look...
See. I'm not gay.
- That's not two seconds.
- You wanna do two seconds?
- Two seconds.
- Here we go.
One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
I can't do it.
- He's so gay.
- Oh wow. Weird tickle.
See, I... so, he's gay?
He's gay.
I think you're in luck.
He's super gay, man.
All right. Cool.
I met someone.
Are you wearing Cologne, dude?
Yeah, it's to hide
the pot smell.
Did you smoke pot today
without me?
Are you... is this what
these bananas are for?
Who do you think
drives this car?
Um...
I don't know,
it's a hybrid, dude.
It's got a "save the whales"
bumper sticker.
Probably some
gay-ass hippy.
- Really? You think so?
- Oh yeah.
Adam. Triple-a
just called.
Some girl locked her keys
in the car over in hillside.
Black wrangler.
I need you to go now.
- Oh.
- Ron, I'll do it man.
Did she sound 'i8 on the phone?
Why so you can get
stoned for two hours
and jerk off
in the Wendy's bathroom?
Once. Hey,
that one time.
Yeah, it's all it takes.
Here. Better get
over there, Adam.
- Oh I was... -I need you right now.
Let's go.
Um... 'Kay.
You're all set.
Thanks for coming in.
Than ks again, thank you.
Oh, hey. Hey.
- Hi.
+ll.
Is there something wrong
with the car still?
No.
You just, um...
You forgot your chapstick.
Oh.
Did you take this
from my glove box?
No.
Okay. Yeah, I did.
But I was just...
It was an accident.
I didn't use it or anything.
I just smelled it.
Oh...
Okay.
Thanks.
I'm gonna go here.
Me too.
See ya.
I smelled it?
Oh, you fucking idiot.
I smelled it?
Adam, what' d you smell, dude?
Was it that girl?
Was she here?
Oh, I bet her titties
were out today,
it's so hot out.
Did you see them?
Were they big?
Pleasant? Normal?
Medium size?
I don't know titties.
I'm gay.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
Wash your hands
and put on a clean shirt.
What for?
Oh shoot, they're early.
Who's early?
Adam, why don't you put on one
of your father's shirts?
- Chris, do you mind answering the door, please?
- Whatever you say, Karen.
Why do I have to change?
Your mom invited Dorothy CUDA and
her mother over fur dinner tonight.
What? Why?
Why did you do that?
Relax.
Don't be nervous.
Dorothy likes you.
Her mother told me so.
Yeah, well what if
I don't like Dorothy CUDA?
How could you not
like Dorothy CUDA?
Uh, well, there's
a lot of reasons why
I couldn't like Dorothy CUDA.
Welcome, welcome.
Father O'Malley. Martha.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing
out of bed, Adam?
What?
Now, I'm not here to impose.
I know this is a difficult time.
So enjoy your last meal
with your family.
I can give last rites
afterwards.
Last rites? Why would
you give my son last rites?
He's about to die.
Isn't he?
- What?
- No.
I'm... I'm sorry, father
but it's worse than death.
It's a matter
of eternal damnation.
Adam, what on earth
is she talking about?
I'm gay, mom.
That is not funny.
Do not joke like that
in front of father O'Malley.
I'm serious.
I'm gay. I'm gay.
I like guys.
But...
What about Dorothy CUDA?
- What about Dorothy...
- She's on her way.
I don't understand why
you don't understand this.
I'm gay. I'm gay.
Like... like...
Mmm.
So stop forcing
Dorothy CUDA on me.
Adam,
I was eating that.
Oh, seriously? You're upset
about a frickin' sausage?
Oh, come on.
No, dude.
The night is set.
We're going to Duffy's.
What about Adam?
We will be there
for him... at Duffy's.
Come on guys.
How many strip clubs
have we dragged Adam to?
Okay, that's irrelevant.
How many dollars has he shoved
down skanky Russian
breasts for you?
And how many times has he
fixed your piece of shit car?
- My car is not a piece of shit.
- It's a piece of shit.
When Adam came out, I told him,
I promised him that
nothing was gonna change.
I think we've been pretty
fucking cool about that.
We've done a descent job,
but it's not good enough.
Things should change.
He needs this, boys.
He needs us.
So where we going?
Oh, you're serious...
You're not gonna tell me?
Okay.
All right.
Are we really gonna...
Seriously?
Remember, don't make
eye contact with anyone.
Never leave each other's sight.
No matter what.
Wait for us.
Can we get four buds?
Uh, actually, can you make
those vodka sodas?
We're in a gay bar.
Vodka sodas it is.
There's actually
some girls here.
We didn't come
all the way downtown
for you to be looking at girls.
Yeah, man. You better
get at least eight dudes'
phone numbers tonight,
and they better
be fucking adorable.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
First time
in a... okay. Nice.
Act like you've
been there before, boys.
Uh, should we dance?
Um, no. I'm good.
Aw man, how are you going
to meet anybody
with your back
up against the bar?
Let's go.
I'll hold down. Make
sure no one roofies us.
So much for sticking together.
Come on, baby.
Bring your "a" game.
It's weird.
- Like?
- Relax.
Feel the groove, man.
There we go.
Yeah? Okay.
- You look hot.
- All right, thanks.
You look really, really good.
- Shake your dick, let's go.
- All right.
Show him how it's done, man.
Show him how it's done.
Whoa.
There you go.
Shot, please.
Wait for me, guys.
- Adam?
- Hi, what are you doing here?
- Hi.
- Are you-wait one second.
Um, Chris.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
I'm here with my brother
and his boyfriend.
And they' re really hitting
it off with your friend.
They sure are.
Look, the voicemail
that I left you...
- What?
- The voicemail I left the other night.
I'm sorry, I don't know what...
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Let's just dance.
Okay.
So that's the last time
I order a hotdog in a gay bar.
So how was your guys'
fist time in a gay bar?
I was just dancing.
That is all.
Honestly, I thought
it'd be a lot gayer.
I'm kinda disappointed.
It was good.
It was really good.
It was good.
So how'd you two meet?
Actually we worked at the
same office for years.
I was already out to everyone
there, Steve wasn't.
So things developed
rather slowly.
Eight months of asking
to borrow his hole-puncher,
I thought he'd get the hint.
So there's just one thing
that I still can't wrap
my head around...
How dues a gay man let his
sister walk out in public
with a Fanny pack on?
What?
- A lot of testosterone.
- Nice.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Tracy.
I can do better, trust me.
Wait, what did you call me?
- Tracy.
- Who's Tracy?
Hmm?
Who isn't Tracy?
Okay, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Trainy, Tracy, Trainy.
Just doesn't...
It's so funny.
Trainy? You think that
my name is Trainy?
He's kidding.
He does... he does that.
Like calls
people "Trainy."
- Hey Trainy.
- He called me train for five years.
He called me Trainy
tranny when I came out.
- He's a train guy.
- Yeah.
Wait, so what is my name?
Could we have the check?
I love this part.
Yeah, me too.
That guy's as ugly as you.
Hey, shut up.
Tricia.
Maybe it's tricia.
Maybe.
Should I text her that?
No, it's like 4am.
Uh, yeah.
You're right.
Only bad things can happen.
You get any dudes'
numbers tonight?
- No.
- What?
I was too busy dancing
with you guys.
Oh my god.
We were totally
cockblocking you.
Yeah, it's okay.
I had a really fun time.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
The fuck, man?
I thought you were...
Oh man, I'm sorry.
- I should go.
- No man, don't go.
I'm sorry, I was...
I'm drunk.
I thought... you don't...
Uh, Chris?
What's happening?
Just give me a minute.
What's wrong with it?
Nothing's wrong with it.
Just stop talking,
- you're making it worse.
- I'm sorry.
I've just never been
with a man who...
A man who what?
I'm a little drunk.
Just...
Ahem...
Maybe if we put it
in your mouth...
No, it's not
your fucking birthday.
Just suck on it.
- Why don't you have Adam suck it?
Jesus.
Fuck you.
Wha...
I was just joking.
- Why are you so mad?
- I'm not mad.
Wait. He didn't,
did he?
No, he didn't.
Did Adam suck your cock?
No he didn't fucking
suck my dick.
Jesus Christ.
- And you liked it, didn't you?
No, just stop talking about it.
How 'bout that?
Fine.
You have one new voice message.
First voice message.
Hey Chris, it's me.
I can't believe that happened.
I'm so fucking sorry,
I'm an idiot.
I'm... I was drunk.
And I just...
I don't know what I thought
but can you just
call me back, please?
Message deleted.
Hey man, where the fuck are you?
We're playing
flag football at four.
Uh, yeah, I don't know, man.
Is Chris gonna be there?
What? What's going
on with you two?
He asked me the same thing?
Well, what'd you say?
I said, "yeah. Our undefeated
season is on the line."
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll totally...
Yeah, man.
Okay. See you then.
You made a career
of composure
she needs you to steer,
she's hungover
he needs you to hear
listen closer
it's time
to come down
mm
and all the things
you've accomplished
they cover the length
of your office
where I am the wall,
worn out worthless
I lean on the ground
Victor
you are not
who you said you were
you said you were
when we met
mm
winner
you are losing
your loved ones
oh, your loved ones
chip by chip,
bet by bet
- I'm really glad you called.
- Yeah.
What are you doing
for the fourth of July?
'Cause you should come over.
My wife makes the most
amazing potato salad.
And I could totally sneak
some down to you
after the fireworks.
Oh... I don't know. I think
I'm gonna go to a party.
Okay, really? 'Cause you
don't sound so sure.
Yeah, it's just...
I usually go with Chris,
my ex-fiance.
But I don't know.
I don't think he wants me there.
Okay.
What, does he own you?
- He owns you?
- No.
Who cares what he thinks.
I do.
So you've still got it real bad
for this guy, don't you?
He must really know
how to get you off good.
No, man. Why? No. Not
everything's about sex.
Okay, then what's it about?
I miss him.
Does he know how you feel?
'Cause you gotta communicate.
Communication is the key to
any healthy relationship
oh really?
And how would you know?
How would I know? I've been
happily married for 17 years.
That's how I'd know.
What do you say
we go in the bathroom
and suck each other off?
It smells really good in here.
What did you guys
have for dinner?
Is that what you came over
at 10:00 at night
to talk about?
I'm really sorry
if you're ashamed of me.
Is that what you think?
We're ashamed of you?
I'm not ashamed of you.
I'm pissed off.
You kept a whole part
of your life from us.
How long have you known?
I don't know, like...
- Like ten years.
- Ten years?
Oh my god.
I should've known.
A mother should
know these things.
I didn't even know.
I just...
I just knew
that I felt different.
And I didn't know
why boobs were so cool.
You still could've told me.
I wanted to, but I just...
You always mentioned
girlfriends.
I thought you were shy.
I am.
I'm gay.
And I'm shy.
Well, I don't care.
I don't care
if you're the gayest,
shyest kid in all of America.
You're my son.
And I love you.
I love you too.
Just don't ever do that
to one of my sausages again.
Okay.
Honey, is there anything
you want to add?
I'll get the iced tea.
I... heard the Ortu's are
getting the good fireworks
this year.
Shipped all the way from China.
Yeah. I don't think
I'm gonna go.
Did you forget to rsvp?
'Cause you know you can't get
the good ribs unless you rsvp.
Yeah, that's what I hear.
I screwed up.
I screwed up big time, dad.
Just keep being yourself.
And if you get hungry tomorrow,
you can have some of my ribs.
Okay?
Yeah.
Let's go, Chris.
Our reservation
is in less than 30 minutes.
Okay, 30 minutes is plenty of
time to get to cheesecake factory.
Adam.
Hey.
Dorothy CUDA.
Wow. You look great.
- Thank you.
- How are you?
- Really good.
- Good.
Yeah. How are you?
Good. I'm good.
I'm gay now. In case my
mom didn't tell everybody.
She did.
I... I heard.
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
Is it true,
you shoved a sausage
down your...
Yep. Yep.
- Yeah?
- I did that.
Happens to everybody.
Right?
Does it?
Do you wanna go to the party?
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's do it.
I've got some things
I'm working on
doing my best
but freaking out
should I even
keep trying
Okay, I'll see ya.
Am I the only one
that feels
the world is stepping
on my heels
Dude, did you really just do a
casual slow-mo walk up in here
with Dorothy cu da?
Are you straight now?
No. Definitely,
definitely still gay.
Thank god. So you're gonna put
in a good word fdr me, right?
Oh, she's way out
of your league, Nick.
What do you know,
you're with that idiot.
Yeah. Happy fourth
of July, dipshits.
Welcome to the Ortu's'.
Baby, you like my outfit?
You're so sexy.
Just like a burly
Benjamin Franklin.
Oh, did you guys know Benjamin
Franklin died of syphilis?
Fact. He did.
Hey, well worth the risk.
So do you guys know
where Chris is?
Mm. I texted earlier, but
he's being flaky as shit, so...
Uh, yeah. I haven't talked
to him for a while,
but I'm sure he's gonna show up.
What's going on
with you two guys?
Dude, it's
freakin' Jess. Okay?
She's got him by the balls.
Power cf the pussy.
You have no idea
how dangerous it could be.
Have you guys
fucking read MacBeth?
Can you please
turn the radio down?
I can't even think.
Is that a prius
with two kayaks on it?
Who the fuck cares?
And a "save the whales"
bumper sticker.
What are you doing?
The cheesecake factory is on
the other side of the mall.
Do me a favor,
hand me that hockey stick.
Huh. I am not walking
all the way over there.
Chris, I am sick
of your bullshit.
Get back
in the car, limp-dick.
We're going to be late.
Jessica, I think
we should break up.
Forever.
Sorry about this.
Maybe not.
All right.
Hey, is she looking?
No, man.
Fuck you, man.
Aw, fuck.
Hey. I'm sorry
about the other day.
- The sausage thing.
- Oh, it's okay.
Cookie?
- Go ahead, take two.
- Okay.
Today we're all
on the same side.
- Whose, god's?
- Oh, no.
Don't be silly.
America's.
Do you think your gay lovers
would want some cookies?
What did you call us?
Oh, is that chocolate chip?
Ooh, oatmeal raisin.
The vegetable of cookies.
- Here you go, man.
- Thank you very much.
Attention.
Attention everyone.
I've got an announcement.
Are the ribs ready?
No father O'Malley,
they're not ready yet.
I promise you won't
miss out this year. Okay?
If we could just get the music
turned down a little bit,
I just want to say something.
Guys?
You guys know
what that means, right?
What's up, Chris?
- Hey.
- Hey beautiful.
How are you?
What am I fucking wood here?
Hey, man.
You came.
Yeah, well, I RSVP'D, so...
Where's Jess?
Ah, we broke up.
What dues that mean? You're
not gonna fuck her anymore?
I don't think I could
fuck her if I wanted to.
That's awesome, man. You can
do way bet-fer than Jess.
What's that supposed to mean?
You guys weren't
right for each other.
You didn't even like her.
How do you know how I feel?
You don't know shit.
Don't talk to me like that.
You said you hated her.
You told me you were straight
our whole fucking lives
- and then you tried to make out with me.
- What? When did that happen?
No, I thought you were
trying to kiss me...
- Man, fucking get over it.
- Get over it?
I was sad and desperate, I
would've tried it with anybody.
I'm not anybody, dude.
I'm your best fucking friend.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- I'm so sorry
- that my being gay inconvenienced you.
- Hey, guys...
Why didn't you tell me
you were gay
20 fucking years ago?
I was three.
Jesus, come on.
The ribs are ready.
Dad, terrible timing, okay.
I'm sorry.
Look, guys. Cheer the fuck up.
It's fourth of July.
We're here gathered today to
celebrate our country's independence.
Red, white and blue.
Ribs, beer, friends,
family, whatever.
But the most important thing
to me right now is that
I don't wanna be
independent anymore.
Michelle Valentino,
can we stop fucking around,
and make me the
luckiest man that ever lived?
Will you marry me?
- Yes.
- Good answer.
Do I know what I'm doing?
I don't know.
Ahh.
You're gonna be an Ortu.
Congratulations.
Dad, please put the ribs down.
Holy shit.
Did that just happen?
Yeah.
Jesus, man. How long have
we not been hanging out?
I don't know, man.
A really fucking long time.
Hey. Happy fourth of July.
What are you doing here?
Um, Adam invited me actually.
Surprise.
Sorry, I don't think you
guys have been introduced.
Chris. This is Rachel.
Rachel. This is Chris.
It's nice to meet you, Rachel.
We're getting married!
Are you gonna be okay?
That must have come
as quite a shock to you.
You two looked
so happy together.
Seriously.
This is gonna change everything.
Hey guys.
What's going on?
Did we miss anything?
Oh, don't worry, Karen.
The party's
just getting started.
May I have this dance, mom?
- What do you say, Rachel'?
- What just 'cause you know my name now,
you think I'm gonna
dance with you?
Well, it is dance party.
Okay, we'll see what you got.
Hey, Nick.
Do you wanna dance?
Yes.
So, Adam. When are we
gonna see you with a nice boy?
I don't know, mom.
And told me apart
so I could begin
ooh, ooh
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
ooh, ooh
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I see it, I feel it
I'm going,
I'm on my way
there was a scum
brushing my skin
you told me apart
so I could begin
ooh, ooh
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I see it, I feel it
I'm going,
I'm on my way
I can't believe we burned
through $89g worth of fireworks
in 1 2 minutes.
It's money well spent.
Yeah.
Man, I'm really sorry
- about everything.
- No, you don't have to be sorry, man. I'm sorry.
- No, you guys have been really cool about this whole time.
- Adam.
- I was stupid and I didn't even mean to.
- I shouldn't have acted like
- it was such a big deal. -I was
lonely, and if I could take it back,
- I would. But I can't
- it wasn't a big deal.
- It was my fault...
- So, can we just forget that...
How did that feel?
Honestly'?
Like kissing my brother.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Dude, it's okay.
- No, I'm...
Listen, I'm sure.
Are we good?
Yeah, man.
We're good.
Good.
Told you he wanted
to fuck me most.
You never listen, Chris.
I guess I never met
a real life gay dude before.
I went to high school with a couple
of guys that used to make out,
but that was just for weed.
And then one time at a party,
they gave each other handy's.
That was just for, um...
Actually, those two guys
might have been gay.
- Yeah, I think they were gay.
- Yeah.
Hey, Ronnie.
I got it.
- Eat your sandwich.
- See that?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do you remember me?
I came in about a month ago.
Yeah. Definitely
remember you.
Uh, is everything all right?
Yeah. Everything's great.
Actually until somebody
smacked this off my car.
No way.
Seriously?
Who would do that?
I have no idea.
I mean, you don't
need it to drive, but...
If you want,
I can put it back on.
It just quiets the exhaust.
It would take a couple minutes.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
Yeah? Okay.
I'm Adam, by the way.
Matt.
Matt. Cool.
Very cool.
Today's the day.
This is it.
Whew.
All right guys, I wanna talk
to you about something.
Umm...
This isn't easy for me,
but I'm...
I'm turning 24 today,
and I think it's just time
I told you the truth.
What I mean is...
Okay so the thing is that, uh...
Hey Martha, how are you?
Adam, I hope
you like blueberries.
Oh wow. Thanks.
You didn't have to do all this.
Oh, nonsense.
It was no trouble at all.
It's just leftovers
from church group this week.
Oh yeah?
It's so nice to have a good
strong man like yourself
- that enjoys my cooking.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh and you're still free
next Saturday, right?
Oh, Saturday?
My niece is definitely
coming this time
and I have told her
all about you.
Oh yeah, about that,
I am actually...
Saturday is not really
good for me.
- Oh, you must.
- Okay, but...
- You must.
- Well there's...
- You have to.
- Can I...
- You'll be thrilled to do it.
- You know that's...
It's got to happen, I tell you.
- - Oh wait, did
I catch you at a bad time?
Oh no, it's just, it's Chris.
He's just, he's picking me up.
Oh you boys
don't get in any trouble.
Don't do anything
the good lord wouldn't do.
Okay. Thanks.
Thanks for these.
Oh I have to see Chris.
I can't do it.
I've gotta see him.
Hi, Chris.
Hey, Martha.
You have got to bang
your neighbor, man.
It is the least you can do.
Nah, it's not like
I'm keeping her tupperware.
Besides, she's trying
to set me up with her niece.
Dude, then bang
the frickin' niece, man.
What are you waiting for?
I don't think
I could do that, man.
- The thing is... dude, I don't
wanna hear your excuses.
You're too damn nitpicky.
That's why
you're on a cold streak.
I don't care
how busted this chick is,
give her your dick
and keep the muffins coming.
Yeah.
It's gonna be an awesome night.
He's 25
trying to stay alive
trying to pay rent
trying to survive
no dollars in my pocket
yeah I'm losing my mind
yeah I'm trying
to pay rent
where I'm from it's summer
when it's raining
I'm so used
to everyone complaining
I'm the one complaining
trying to make some money
so I can see the ladies
statue of Liberty,
what you gonna give to me
woo woo
whoa
whoa
- Just take the shot.
- Oh, another miss.
- Fee-fi...
- You only get two shots dude.
- Fo-fum.
- Yes!
- What's up fuckfaces?
- Get in here, homos.
We leave for the bar in an hour,
I want you blacked out
by then, all right?
Especially you, birth day boy.
Yeah.
What's the rush?
That rush is that I haven't
had a Saturday off
in over a month...
Michelle, or from work?
- Uh from both, dude.
- Uhh.
And I am going to savor
every minute of it.
By being hung over all day?
Yeah, of course.
How'd you like that video
we sent you, huh?
Oh, yeah. She was
a real screamer, man.
And then that dude like dropped
a dq blizzard on her face.
Yeah, I could never
finish those.
It was almost as bad as the one I
dropped on Ortu's mom's face
last night.
- Hey, watch the eye.
- Domination.
Oh, Adam.
You wanna get gay?
What?
You want a shot?
- I'll get gay.
- I'll get gay.
Oh, y... yeah, sure.
Birth-gay.
Birth-gay shots.
Birth-gay shots.
Boys, there are
some good-looking girls
here tonight.
Best of luck to all of you.
Happy birthday, Adam.
- Cheers.
- To Adam.
- All right.
- So, uh...
Holy tits.
You gotta be fucking
kidding me, dude.
You guys are so lucky you
don't have girlfriends, man.
Look at those bombs.
You just bury your face in them
and be totally fine with it.
Yeah, I don't think
she'd be totally fine with it.
You don't think
they're together, do you?
I think so, man.
I don't think they're together.
Okay, so, um... what I
was saying before is-
is she looking?
- Uh, no. Look I'm...
- What about now? What about now?
Vascular as hell, bro.
Never mind.
Jeez, man.
- What's going on with you?
- Nothing.
You seem weird.
No. It's...
It's just, um...
- What?
- Um...
The girl to your right
in the Fanny pack,
she's totally
eye-fucking you.
Yeah, right now.
I'll be right back, boys.
I got a champ.
Oh yeah, just a quick...
Quick selfie.
Is this Prada?
Uh, yeah.
Actually it is.
It cost like $2,000.
I've never touched anything
that expensive before.
I'm sorry.
Oh my god, you guys.
We need to dance, now.
We need to dance right now.
We absolutely do need to dance.
Hey, Adam. You need to dance.
Right now.
I've got a dance partner
for you, right here.
- You do?
- Uh, hi.
Hey, Adam. This is Adam,
my dancing friend.
Oh my god. You're hot.
- You're drunk.
- No, I'm not.
He's great in bed too.
Real giver.
How do you know?
What? You don't sleep
with your best friends?
That's selfish.
- Okay.
- Very selfish. I'm sorry.
Why don't you guys
make out right now?
Mm-hmm.
Okay. We'd love to.
- Should we make cut right now?
- Um...
We'll do it, if they
do it kinda thing.
- Ye... um...
- I'm waiting.
You see the thing is,
we've both been drinking.
- Yeah, we've been drinking so...
- It'd be cheap.
Cheap. Very cheap.
Cheap, if we made out.
I really have to pee.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Hey. Did you just
take a picture of me?
Umm...
I...
He was, uh...
He was...
Snapping that guy's unibrow.
You think you're fucking
TMZ or something,
taking fucking pictures of me?
I can't tell if he's
surprised qr mad.
Hey. You got beef,
we can step outside.
Fuck that, it's cold outside.
Yeah, man.
Not all of us
wore our favorite
leather jacket to the bar.
I said, let's step outside.
What's wrong
with you? Come on.
Don't be a pussy.
You can do this.
Dude...
Don't yell at the little guy.
Just take a breath.
Relax your toes.
It'll come.
So you did take a picture
of my sister's chest.
You let your sister
dress like that?
That's your sister?
What's wrong with you?
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Chris!
Chris!
Listen, I know
this isn't the right time,
but...
I wanted to say that...
Fuck these chicks, we gotta go.
Unibrow guy got crazy.
Let's get out of here.
Whoa.
- Okay.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh my god.
- It's okay. It's okay.
You're fine.
- I'm gonna call you, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
- See ya.
I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
I scared him away.
I mistreated his friend.
I'm a terrible friend.
Chris.
- Chris.
- Hmm.
I'm gay.
Okay, man.
No-
I like guys.
Hmm?
I'm gay.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You okay?
You all right?
Fuck man.
Yes, yeah. I'm fine.
It's...
That's not you.
It's the excessive alcohol.
What the hell's going on?
I'm hurt, man.
Adam's gay.
I gotta take a shit.
I... I should
just head out.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no. It's cool. I'm gonna go.
- It's okay. Let you guys soak it in.
- No, Adam. No, dude.
No... Adam.
Adam, it's fine, man.
What the hell,
is he fucking with us?
Adam can't be gay, the
dude eats steak every day.
He was eating out
Dorothy CUDA in the 8th grade.
Dorothy fucking cu da.
I once saw him rebuild
the entire engine
on a '68 mustang.
Was that before
or after he ass-banged you?
Okay. Dude.
Too soon.
I forgot I didn't drive.
So you're really...
Gay, huh?
Yeah.
- Cool. Cool.
- Cool.
You've had sex
with women before.
You dated Courtney for a year.
Cried when she broke up
with you.
Yeah.
But that was like,
that was like two years ago.
I mean, who have
I been with since?
I mean, I just thought you
had really oddly high standards
in women.
I do. They just need
to be dudes.
So...
Why didn't you tell me before?
Well, I tried to tell
you guys last night.
No man, I mean like,
way the fuck before.
I don't know.
- Your parents know?
- No. God no.
It's hard enough
telling you guys.
- - Believe me,
I wanted to tell you before.
I wanted to tell you
for, like, ever.
You know?
I didn't want things to
be weird between us.
Hey, nothing's
gonna change, man.
I promise.
What do we even talk about now?
I just can't believe
you didn't know.
It was so obvious.
- You knew?
- I mean, come on.
He's a good looking guy
and he's never tried
to fuck any of my friends.
So? That doesn't
mean anything.
My friends are hot.
You know, you should
invite him over
- for a threesome. I'm sure he'd love that.
- Oh, sure.
Oh that's
a great idea. Yeah.
Let me call him up right now.
No, I'm serious.
You know, he wants you, right?
Shut up.
No, he doesn't want me.
Now, just get hard
because I have a date tonight.
- Oh yeah, with who?
- Just some guy.
- Oh.
- Why?
- Are you jealous?
- Not at all.
- Should I be?
- Okay, well just take your pants off.
And don't touch my face,
because I feel like
I'm starting to break out.
Oh.
Hey Paul.
Dude, I guarantee you a hot-ass
MILF drives this thing, man.
For sure.
Actually, you know what?
I think she used to drive it,
now, the daughter drives it.
Oh yeah.
Give that a whiff man.
I'm thinking 19.
Strawberry blonde.
Volleyball player maybe.
Take a rip.
Get deep.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Hey, come on. Get back to work here.
Lets go.
Ronnie, we're checking
the fucking mirrors, man.
Let's go, out of the car.
See, this one's broke.
I'm glad I checked this one.
This one was fucked up.
Think he's gonna show?
It's poker night.
He'll be here.
All right, boys.
Last card.
Man, so, uh, Chris,
you ever call
that Fanny pack girl?
Ah, no.
What's the matter'? Afraid your
fuck buddy's gonna get upset?
Me and Jess are not buddies.
We don't even like each other.
So what's the problem?
I can't remember
that chick's name, dude.
I drunkenly saved it
in my phone like an idiot.
Let me see that.
I'm really good with this stuff.
- Train.
- Train?
You saved her name
in your phone as "train."
Ah, I raise 20.
Damn it, if you didn't
get that ten on the river,
I could've sucked you dry.
Oh yeah.
Hey, uh. Can I see
your phone?
Mm-hmm.
Sucked it dry.
All right, boys.
Daddy's all in.
Let's see what you got.
Stop that.
Cut it out, man.
Come on, stop.
- Stop, just...
- What?
But dude, cut it out!
I got two eights.
Okay?
I call.
Aw, damn.
Fuck this.
- Oh that's probably Tracy.
- Hmm?
Well, if it starts t-r-a,
it's you know,
probably Tracy, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I could see her
being a Tracy.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna head out.
Uh, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Yeah, you guys
are gonna come over
for the hockey playoffs, right?
Oh yeah. Yeah,
see you then, man.
Cool.
Okay.
He definitely wants to fuck me.
This is all your fault.
My fault?
Yeah, with
your Saint gay rom, and EDM.
You're the one
who turned Adam gay.
Are you fucking serious?
You're the one who goes to all
these Taylor swift concerts.
First of all,
t-swift is a singing angel.
Mister skinny jeans
and ladies' deodorant.
I've got sensitive underarms.
It's not a secret.
Oh yeah, that's right. You do
take bubble baths with th e...
Dude, you're the one who
dragged us to see "les mis."
Oh fuck you, man.
"Les mis" is a classic.
- Why don't you tweet about it?
- You don't have time to tweet
'cause you're too busy
sucking Adam dry.
Oh, you were the one
eye-fucking him all night.
Okay, he was eye-fucking me.
That's not what I saw, GAYLORD.
You're full of it.
I'm not a GAYLORD.
I own a fantasy football team
and I like "die hard."
Hey guys.
Guys, stop. Stop.
We shouldn't blame anybody.
He was obviously born gay.
No, no.
It's fine guys.
Okay? I'll take the fall
on this one.
He... I'm too good looking.
No, it's nobody's fault.
Because there's
nothing wrong with him.
He's the same guy, right?
Right?
Another play by Stafford.
Perfect getting by him.
Myers passes up the wing
to McGINN,
turns inside, gets slammed
into the board side wall.
30 seconds left to go
on the power play down.
- Great start so far by the SABRES.
Boyle to Casey.
Pushes it up the ice.
Looks for McGINN,
taken away by Smith.
Goal, rangers!
And the game is all tied up.
The rangers time
of backing it in
and the game is all tied up.
Can someone just say
something, please?
Uhh.
So...
Um, you really like
the cock, huh?
As much as you like strippers.
No one can be that gay.
Sorry.
- No, it's fine.
Just say it, please.
I know you guys
don't mean anything by it.
You guys have been saying
shit like that fdr years.
You sure?
Yeah.
No one can be that gay.
Yeah.
Gay.
- Gay.
- Gay.
It's empowering.
Coming.
Oh my god.
You guys watching porn again?
- Holy fuck.
- Yeah, I know.
Fur a gay dude, he sure can't
take a goddamn picture.
Dudemingle?
"Hey cutie, can't wait
for tomorrow night"?
Think they banged?
I mean, I'd fuck this guy.
Put it away, Adam's coming...
Yeah, on BRADSTAWS lower back.
Good one.
- Icing.
- Aw, come on.
You... you can't blow
the whistle that quick.
So fucking gay...
No offense, Adam.
No offense for what?
Well you said something
about the gays.
And then you apologized to Adam.
Yeah. Adam doesn't like when we use
profanity in his house, Martha.
He cannot stand that shit.
Ah! Sorry, Adam.
- No offense, Adam.
- Sorry, buddy.
I... I had no idea
he was so pious.
I'm gonna take him
to my church group sometime.
Oh, what is this?
I wouldn't try to...
The ba'll'ery's dead.
I think my niece has one.
Oh, it's neat.
I can...
- Yeah, I'll take that.
- Than ks Martha.
It was really great.
Appreciate it.
- Uh. Umm...
- You all right?
Yeah, I cleaned it for you.
It's all clean now.
Oh no, nothing. I just feel a
little faint, that's all.
I think I'm gonna go lay down.
You know, it's getting late.
Decent people lay down
when it's late.
Okay.
Decent, that's what I'm doing,
'cause I'm decent.
What?
Menopause, man.
It's a bitch.
My mom slapped a kid
at Macy's once.
Hey. Sorry.
Uh, "Ghostbusters" was on.
Totally lost track of time.
Okay.
All right.
So, Brad...
When did you take
that profile picture?
I'm sorry.
That's not me.
Oh.
It's a little dishonest.
Blah.
You know, but I felt like we had
this real connection online.
And I didn't wanna run the risk cf
not getting to know you better,
'cause of something
as shallow as looks.
Right?
You're not shallow are you?
So, how's your friend feeling?
- Kim.
- Yeah.
She said she's never
drinking again.
- Never?
- Yeah.
Wow. So...
Friday, then?
Yeah, probably, Thursday.
Probably Thursday.
Okay.
Um, actually on Thursday
it's karaoke night
at the rail.
Mm.
You should come.
- I should.
- Yeah.
And bring your friend.
Adam, was it?
Yeah, it was.
Are you inviting me on a date?
Yeah, like a...
Like a group...
- A group gathering.
- It's fun.
Yeah, it will be fun.
I would love to go.
I don't think that Adam
and Kim are gonna work.
Why? 'Cause she puked
everywhere?
No.
He's gay.
- He's gay?
- Yeah.
- Are you serious?
- He's gay.
So, the two of you actually
have slept together then?
No, that was a joke.
I didn't even know
that he was gay,
until he woke me up and told me
the next morning.
Were you in bed together?
This is going great.
- Yeah, it's...
- | love this place.
It's cool.
- Oh, I got this.
- No, we can split it.
Oh no, you can make
it up to me later.
Now what do you say
we get out of here
and head back to my place?
You're gonna love my basement.
I got it totally pimped out.
Xbox 360.
Have you ever heard huey
Lewis and the news on vinyl?
You wanna take me
to your basement?
It'd be fun.
Oh, did you want one of these?
It's all right, it's ROPEX.
It's really great
for, you know...
It's made me feel
so uncomfortable,
like having a gay guy around
it's makes all us feel...
Oh my god.
What is wrong with you?
- What do you mean?
- Your friend just came out cf the closet.
Do you have any idea
how hard that is?
Yeah. It's been
very hard.
That's what
I'm trying to tell you.
No. Not for you.
For him, you moron.
Oh my god.
Your best friend just told you
how his life
is gonna change forever.
And all you're concerned about
is how it made
poker night awkward.
Well, and the hockey game.
I'm kidding. Let's-
Let's change the subject.
These mo-jitos
are really good.
I know what you're thinking,
a basement.
Real romantic, right?
Mm-hmm.
I'm telling you,
it's totally discreet.
Not even my wife
is allowed down there.
Shit, man, that's...
That's awesome.
I would love to.
But I just...
I have to go water my plants.
Water your plants, huh?
How does that one go?
Uh, you tilt your head
to the side.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Keep your eyes shut.
And then...
And then what?
So how was your date last night?
Aw, dude.
Long story short,
Tracy thinks
I'm a giant asshole.
Oh, man. I thought girls
liked giant assholes.
Not this one, man,
she is different.
Adam, are you good?
Are you happy?
Yeah.
I guess so.
I figured.
You seem happy.
I told you that nothing
was gonna change...
You guys are trying.
Appreciate it.
You know, things could've
been a lot worse with Tracy.
I doubt it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Was she 45, and married?
Did she want to take you
to her basement
and make you her sex slave?
What?
Dude, what happened to you?
Nothing happened.
At least you have
Jess, I mean...
I just want someone.
What are you talking about, man?
You're a good looking guy,
I'm sure you've broken
a million guys' hearts.
Not really.
I mean, Scott lombardi,
but that was six years ago.
- Scott lombardi?
- Yeah.
No. When you were
helping him fix his Camaro?
Oh yeah...
Yeah... yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, but that was high school.
I mean, think about
how many girls
you guys have been with
since then.
Yeah.
We need to cheer him up, guys.
He's not happy.
I don't think
he's been happy for a while.
Okay, well... I'm still
not gonna let him fuck me.
Nick. Nobody wants
to fuck you.
You're just...
Now you're being a liar.
Guys, can we take
this seriously?
I mean, do you have any idea
what a depressed gay man
is capable of?
Writing a shitty emo song.
Winning a Tony.
Yeah, true.
But loneliness sucks.
I mean, what if Nick was lonely?
If hypothetically, Nick
was a sad, lonely person...
- Yeah. -'Cause he pushes
people away with his anger.
Fuck you, man. I'm-i plowed three
and half girls this last month.
- It's more than you plowed in the last...
- Half?
Okay, but Adam
is a real person...
Fuck you guys,
I've got feelings.
Well, then prove it.
Instead of turning everything into
a fucking "your mom" joke.
Okay. What do you want
us to do?
Yeah, there's like...
There's like a...
The grinding kind of noise.
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's the head gasket.
It's definitely the head gasket.
Oh, yeah. That's what
I thought it was.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking with you.
Just change your oil.
Hey, can I...
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
What's up?
What's power bottom?
Do you really wanna know?
- Yeah.
- No, no. Fuck it. I can't.
You're just gonna make
a bunch of ass jokes.
Uh...
So, you read
any good books lately?
Any literature?
Uh, yeah.
I mean I read
an article about Kinsey.
Pretty good.
What's... what's Kinsey?
What's Kinsey?
He's a sex scientist.
Never heard of him?
No.
You want me to send it to you?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be...
Yeah, I wanna... yeah I'd
really love to read that.
What don't you understand?
- You just swipe right if they're hot.
- Okay.
You swipe left
if they're busted.
All right, and then what?
Then you send them a message.
Sample.
And there's always grindr too.
Yeah, but that's only if you
want to try to have butt-sex
like five minutes from now.
The fuck is grindr?
How do you know what grindr is?
How do you know what grindr is?
Okay, I don't-i just don't think
that apps are gonna work.
Well, you have to give it
a chance, man.
Put yourself out there.
Flirt with them,
but play hard to get.
Let them know
that you're into them,
but make sure
you don't text last.
Yeah, no, that's easy
for you guys.
I have to walk up to a guy,
and wonder like,
oh am I gonna
get punched in the face?
And you guys can just walk
up to any girl you want.
Yeah, but then we
have to hang cut with girls.
Just once, I'd like to go out
to a nice dinner and a movie
and not have to hold in
a fart the whole time.
You fart around Michelle
all the time.
Well it took two years of farting in
a tupperware to get to that point.
So gross.
Ortu's right, man.
As a gay man, you have
the ultimate advantage.
You're a fucking dude.
It's easy to get another guy
'cause you know exactly
what dudes like to do.
Yeah.
Yeah. Right?
Go with your instincts.
What do guys do again?
You got that love
that rises like the sun
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
you got a diamond
in the rough
and I can't
get enough
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
I wanna make
you go wild
and watch you glow
in the light
you feed that something
inside of me
the devil sent me away
to break you
out of your cage
I'll get you higher
than you'll ever be
yeah
I was under the ground
when you turned
it around
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
and I'm counting on you
to carry me through
raise it up,
raise it up, raise it up
and I am living
my dream
watching you move
till you scream
god only knows
what you do to me
- It's a nice place.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's good.
So, uh, your tinder profile
said that "SCARFACE"
is your favorite movie?
Yeah. Yeah, it's one
of my favorites.
Fucking right on, bro.
I hate these queers
who think that being gay
is an excuse to have no balls.
I'm gay, but I love
"scar face."
- Yeah.
- No.
I fucking live it.
This was a terrible idea.
I mean, don't you feel it?
Everyone is staring at us.
Uh, I don't see
anybody staring at us.
Just take a picture,
why don't ya?
It's like she's never seen
two guys share a meal together.
It's like, sharing a meal.
- Tony would've hated this place.
- I'm sorry, who?
Tony, my ex-boyfriend.
Oh.
So dark, and so mysterious.
Yet, still real.
I don't even know
why we broke up.
Can't imagine why.
"Say hello
to my little friend."
You like that?
You think you're so tough?
Oh, she's looking
at me over there.
- Yeah.
- She doesn't like that one.
I... no, no, no, no. Sorry.
Nothing against you.
We're just doing "SCARFACE."
First date over here.
You want one
of my French fries, bro?
It's just like a little phase
that I'm going through.
I do a lot of girls too.
- Yeah...
- so...
you look like you would.
Thanks.
He had the most fantastic cock.
Well he did.
It was this big.
I don't really know
what I'm gonna get.
I'm probably just gonna
get a beer.
Yeah, so many choices.
I think me too.
Uh, so your profile says
you're into gardening.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just something
I used to do with my mom.
I should probably know
what these are,
but I have no clue.
I definitely don't.
You know,
I always wanted to try that
but everyone says
it's for old people.
- Yeah, I don't know why everyone says that.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
Yeah I mean, I'm 24, but I
don't have to wait until I retire
to get fresh
vine ripened tomatoes.
You know?
I want them now.
You wanna get nachos?
Uh, yeah.
I'd love some.
Two nacho
platters on a first date.
What were you thinking?
First nice guy I meet,
and I almost make him pass out.
Fuck that arrogant prick, man.
He's not nice.
If you can't enjoy the smell
of another man's farts,
then you don't want
to know that man.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's just my parents,
they, uh...
They smelled it too?
Wait, they were there?
No, my parents invited me
over to dinner tonight.
Oh, wow.
Well, that's awesome man.
What's Karen making?
Maybe I'll stop by.
I'm gonna tell them.
- Oh.
- What?
Well, good luck with that.
I'm sure they're
gonna understand.
Maybe you guys could come.
- Uh... this was tonight?
- Yeah.
No, tonight I'm doing a...
Michelle and I have groupon.
I... I would...
Yeah, I would come over,
but, you know, I'd probably...
Just say something stupid
and make it way worse.
Yeah.
What about you, Chris?
My parents love you.
Maybe, you know,
like, make it easier.
- Of course, man.
- Okay.
So Adam, how are things?
Mom, I'm gay.
I'm sorry man, can I
just be your dad again?
No, I need to be ready
for anything.
And don't be afraid
to be mean, I can handle it.
That's why I have
these note cards.
Meaner, okay.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Mom, I'm gay.
What? That's disgusting.
How could you do this to me
after I brought you
into this world?
Anderson Cooper.
I'm a terrible mother.
Um... Ricky Martin.
I'm a terrible mother.
Neil Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris.
What? Are your notes just
a list of famous gay dudes?
No, I have lesbians too.
Okay. Forget the list, dude.
Just be honest.
What's the worst
that could happen?
My mom has a heart attack
and my dad freaks out
'cause I'm never gonna
give him grandkids.
Jesus, man.
You're gay.
Not sterile.
And your dad collects
antique clocks,
he'll understand.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry to keep everybody waiting.
For your cooking, Karen,
I would wait all night
if I had to.
- Chris.
- I'll tell you, this salad is incredible.
How is everything?
You still dating Jessica?
Yeah... sometimes.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
What about you, Adam? When am
I gonna see you with a nice girl?
Gee mom, I don't know.
- Lindsay has a boyfriend. Did she tell you?
- No.
- Actually mom, we broke up last week.
- Good.
He's been trying to Snapchat me
nonstop since.
I hate Snapchat.
If he gives you any trouble,
let me know, okay?
Adam and I will take care of it.
Yeah.
Chris, do you think Jessica
has someone for our Adam?
You know what? You may be
on to something there, Karen.
What about Dorothy Cuba'?
Didn't you two have a thing?
Uh, yeah. We went
to junior prom,
like six years ago.
- You two were so cute together.
- You were.
Did I tell you that I ran
into her mother
- at the grocery store the other day?
- Nope.
Yeah, and she told me
that Dorothy is back in town,
and she's single, you know.
Great. So...
So...
Make yourself available.
It feels like forever since
you broke up with Courtney.
It's time to move on.
Get yourself back out there.
Yep. You're right.
And, uh, actually, I...
I have have been.
It's true. He's actually been
going on a lot cf dates lately.
Meeting some interesting people.
Yep.
Anything serious?
Uhh, no.
I don't wanna sound like one
of those crazy old mothers
that does nothing but hound
her son for grandkids.
It would just be nice
to see you with someone.
And what if I never
meet somebody?
You will. You're gonna
meet a great girl.
- Sooner than you think.
- No, I'm not.
Because...
I...
I...
Elton John.
What's rocket man
have to do with anything?
So you're going
on a double date?
Yeah. I think
Adam's excited about it.
Yes.
Aw. Hey, why didn't you
ever set me up
with any of Jess's hot friends?
You banged two and then
never called them again.
Okay, they never called
me either so...
What... what am
I supposed to do?
Oh. One second, boys.
I'll get it.
Hey Martha.
Hello, Chris.
Just dropping this off for Adam.
Could you see that he gets it
before it's too late
in the eyes of god?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Thank you.
Ortu, I hope you're hungry.
Oh fuck. Free cake.
Oh.
What the hell is camp leviticus?
I think it's one of those
conversion camps for gay dudes.
If you wanna make
a gay dude straight,
you gotta show a little
more cleavage on that cake.
Actually, according to
an article I was reading,
the apa has no proof that a
change in sexual orientation
is even possible.
Hey man, sorry.
We kinda outed you to her.
Oh, I don't care.
She thinks we're all gay.
Wait a minute.
You have a date tonight,
and you're wearing
those pants with those shoes?
And that loose shirt?
You can't even see your abs.
So I tell the curator,
you see the name on the wall?
This is my gallery.
If I want to submit a 15x8,
I'm gonna submit a 15x8.
And that shut him up...
So fast.
I bet it did.
Uh, what do you paint exactly?
Mostly abstract post-modern
deconstructionalism,
peppered with neoclassical
ideologies.
Wow, that's a lot.
So Jess tells me
you're a mechanic.
Yeah. Yeah,
I do mostly everything.
Small repairs,
tune-ups.
- Great mechanic.
- Than ks, man.
God, how do you do it?
You're going through life
everyday, never creating art.
I couldn't imagine.
Yeah. Yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.
You know,
I actually sketch everyday.
I just don't have
the talent that you have.
We should check out my gallery
sometime. Maybe I can inspire you.
After you have to go to
this GORDITOS place,
and across the street
is this fabulous boutique.
I'd take some of my other
girlfriends there,
but they don't have
the body for the place.
- Oh.
- I said it.
- Oh, stop.
- I just said it.
- You said it.
- There it goes.
You just said it.
I gotta take you
to taco bell sometime,
they've got
this fabulous new gordita.
Oh, really? Wow.
- Do I have the body for it?
- You do.
- Oh, thank you.
- You just said it.
- I said it.
- You said it.
Marc do you wanna come
outside and smoke with me?
I wanna hear all about
this boutique.
Oh, usually I'd say no,
but two MARGS
and I start smoking
like a little hot tamale.
Oh. Wow.
He seems...
- Non-threatening...
- I hate him.
Okay.
Oh, Adam.
Nice to see you here.
Is this the reason
you're not texting me back?
Uhh... no.
No, it's not what it looks like.
Oh no, we're not dating.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Sometimes I fly off the handle.
Sorry about that.
- We're engaged.
- What?
Right, Chris?
Oh, this is Brad.
Brad, remember I was
telling you about him.
- Oh honey duder, this is BRADSTAR?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
BRADSTAR,
it is a pleasure to meet you.
No, I'm not gonna
shake your hand.
I could've given you everything,
you know that right?
You toss me aside
for nothing but a gigolo.
- Whoa, whoa...
- A pretty face.
He's not a gigolo.
He's awesome.
He's my best friend.
What's going on here?
Who the hell are you?
Marc Peters, Adam's date.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, I see.
So, apparently
I'm the only guy here
who you're not fucking,
is that right?
Why didn't you tell me
you're into group stuff, silly?
- Well...
- Right?
We could go down
to my basement, all of us.
- It'd be fun.
- Ooh.
- A group thing.
- Yeah.
Think about it,
text me later, okay?
Okay.
Well, I should have
seen it before,
it's so obvious,
with your perfect hair,
and those,
"look at my crotch," jeans.
Mm, and you should see him dance
when he gets two MARGS in him.
Right?
They're not...
Fine, call it bisexual. If
it helps you sleep at night.
Okay. Okay,
this is enough.
I don't know what's
going on, Chris.
Tell Marc that you and Adam
haven't slept together.
Yeah, tell him.
Well... I guess we didn't do
a whole lot of sleeping.
No, we definitely did not.
Well, maybe like
a little bit, like...
- Naps
- like in between.
Yeah, but mostly it was
just going at it.
Marc, you have
no idea how good it is.
I mean, I hate even talking
about it over dinner.
- But...
- Yeah, don't brag.
I would die if I couldn't create
fabulous multiple orgasms
with you every night.
Oh, that means the world to me.
Oh, thanks for the invite, Jess. But
I can tell when I'm not wanted.
What? Really?
My boy e-Zach is DJING
at the "UNSH-UNSH" bar tonight
and I was gonna get going
anyway.
- Oh, it was really nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Kiss, kiss.
Ew, ew.
Great headband.
- Ew.
- Ew, ew, ew.
- Kiss kiss.
- What kind of gay are you?
You are hating on your own kind.
Yeah, I don't hate him
because he's gay.
- No, he hates him 'cause he sucks balls.
- Yeah.
Oh, you are such an asshole.
I'm an asshole?
You're an asshole for making
us hang out with this guy.
What made you think Adam
would ever like that prick?
Well, Adam's gay.
And he's gay.
So what else is there?
Uh, attraction,
mutual interests...
Not being a giant,
raging douchebag.
Oh, that's on your list too?
Well, since you two
have so much in common,
why don't you fuck him tonight?
Because we're over.
Whoa, okay, Jess.
We're kidding.
Fuck.
I'll be right back.
Ahh.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.
I'm sorry, okay?
We're kidding.
We're just joking around.
Mm, maybe you are.
But Adam's not.
You know, you probably
shouldn't joke around.
You're only screwing
with his head.
What are you talking about?
Chris, I told you
this would happen.
Adam likes you.
Adam does not like me.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm a girl,
I notice these things.
Adam didn't
even give Marc a chance.
He barely even looked at him
because he was too busy
staring at you all night.
No, it's because looking at Marc
makes you want to murder someone.
Mm. Okay. Okay, fine.
Don't believe me.
But when you wake up
one morning,
tied to your bed with
Adam's tongue in your ass,
don't come crying back to me.
Hey, man.
There you are.
You wanna get gay?
What?
I got some two shots.
You want one?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Cheers, man.
- Cheers, dude.
- Oh.
- Ah.
God, it does not get any easier.
No, but can we have two more?
Boo.
Ahh.
You should do it.
- No.
- Yep.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- You should do it, you should call her.
Abso-frickin-lutely not.
- No, seriously. You should call her.
- Never again, man.
I don't care how hot she is,
or how good
of blow jays she gives...
- No.
- She's a crazy bitch.
I'm not talking about Jess,
I'm talking about Tracy.
Oh. No, man.
I already blew that one.
If I call her now, I'm
just gonna look desperate.
Besides man, girls like her
do not go for guys like me.
Girls like what?
You talk about her
like she's perfect.
You don't even know her.
Oh, I know her.
I know her.
I know that she's got
enough balls
to wear a Fanny pack to a bar.
She's cool enough
to like MOJITOS,
and "Ghostbusters."
She's funny, smart...
Aww, man.
Now you sound like the gay one.
Fuck you.
Okay. Just fucking
call her, dude.
Hey, Tracy.
It's, um...
It's Chris.
All right.
Hey Tracy, uh, it's Chris...
Um...
- Hey.
- Hey...
I'm not here right now,
so just leave me a message,
and I'll call you right back.
Um...
I'm just calling...
To make sure
that you...
You didn't...
No one, no one bother, um...
Uh, that everything
worked out just fine...
That even...
Um, just calling
to wish you a happy day.
- - Anyways...
Cute voicemail.
Uh, it's Chris. Bye.
Here you go, dude.
Nothing cures a hangover
like a hit of DOOBER.
Thanks.
What'd you guys do
last night anyway?
Went on a double date
with Chris.
- Gay.
- Really?
Yeah, I mean, think about
what can you not do
on a double date?
You can't get your fuck on.
Am I right?
Did you fuck her?
You didn't fuck her.
- Did you fuck her?
- No. No.
- You dirty dog.
- Did not fuck her.
See that's what I'm saying.
- - See, next time,
bring her to your house. All right?
So it's just the two of you.
Rent a horror movie,
clean the bathroom,
put some candles out, man.
They appreciate that stuff.
- Put a tie on...
- Hello?
You know what I mean'? Also
get the lube going before she-
hey, got any visine?
Why? Ryan's not
coming back?
Uh, yeah. No, I just...
It's a customer.
I don't wanna look
unprofessional.
But then I'm telling you,
ten minutes...
- You got any gum?
- Your shorts are gonna be off.
Gum? How hot
is this girl, man?
You know what,
never mind. Forget it.
Hey...
- How's it going?
- Good. Can I help you with something?
Yeah, I think something's
wrong with my car.
It's been overheating a lot
and sometimes it just
shuts off completely.
Ah, yeah. Sounds like
it could be your radiator.
Let's just pop it open.
Eh...
- Pop this.
- I can get it.
It's sometimes a little tricky.
Oh. Sorry.
Oh, no. By all means.
Okay.
- Oh.
- I' ll get that.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
You know what,
it could be your DC inverter.
Really?
Uh, yeah.
What's a DC converter?
It's an inverter.
It's this.
It's what...
Makes your car work.
Oh yeah, they have arrived.
The official invites
to papa Ortu's fourth
of July barbeque bash.
See you there,
and see you there.
And you better rsvp this time.
Fuck that, you know I'm going.
Why do I need to rsvp?
'Cause my dad's sick and tired
of running out of ribs.
If you don't rsvp,
you don't get any ribs.
Whoa, slow down, tiger.
What's up with you?
I think I met someone.
Seriously?
Who?
Well, I don't know
his name exactly,
but we had a moment.
A moment? Like where
was this, in a truck stop?
No. How do you know so much
about gay things?
No. He... I don't
even know if he's gay.
Don't you have gaydar?
Well, kind of.
If you had gaydar, you'd know
that Nick loves the cock.
So what did this gentleman's
pants look like?
- Could you see his ankles?
- Uh...
Was he, like, wearing
a tank top?
Were his nipples pierced?
Yeah, what about his underwear,
did it have a brightly
colored elastic band?
Super jacked?
He was a normal gay,
with like earth-tone colors.
Full length pants.
No nipple piercings.
I couldn't really see
his underwear,
but it was probably
And he had muscles,
but not, like, too muscley.
He was probably,
he was like a normal dude.
Ooh.
Uh...
Oh. How did
he eat a banana?
How would you eat a banana?
Like put the whole thing in
and pull out just the peel.
Okay, then that's
exactly... I don't know.
- He was just...
- Guys, guys.
Guys, it says... it says
that people in north Korea
aren't even allowed
to eat bananas.
They don't know what...
They don't know they exist.
I did not know that. Wow.
Okay, look. All: Know
is that this guy,
he was super friendly.
And at some point we like had
eye contact for two seconds.
Two seconds?
That's nothing.
That's just like being
a polite gentleman.
Like look...
See. I'm not gay.
- That's not two seconds.
- You wanna do two seconds?
- Two seconds.
- Here we go.
One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
I can't do it.
- He's so gay.
- Oh wow. Weird tickle.
See, I... so, he's gay?
He's gay.
I think you're in luck.
He's super gay, man.
All right. Cool.
I met someone.
Are you wearing Cologne, dude?
Yeah, it's to hide
the pot smell.
Did you smoke pot today
without me?
Are you... is this what
these bananas are for?
Who do you think
drives this car?
Um...
I don't know,
it's a hybrid, dude.
It's got a "save the whales"
bumper sticker.
Probably some
gay-ass hippy.
- Really? You think so?
- Oh yeah.
Adam. Triple-a
just called.
Some girl locked her keys
in the car over in hillside.
Black wrangler.
I need you to go now.
- Oh.
- Ron, I'll do it man.
Did she sound 'i8 on the phone?
Why so you can get
stoned for two hours
and jerk off
in the Wendy's bathroom?
Once. Hey,
that one time.
Yeah, it's all it takes.
Here. Better get
over there, Adam.
- Oh I was... -I need you right now.
Let's go.
Um... 'Kay.
You're all set.
Thanks for coming in.
Than ks again, thank you.
Oh, hey. Hey.
- Hi.
+ll.
Is there something wrong
with the car still?
No.
You just, um...
You forgot your chapstick.
Oh.
Did you take this
from my glove box?
No.
Okay. Yeah, I did.
But I was just...
It was an accident.
I didn't use it or anything.
I just smelled it.
Oh...
Okay.
Thanks.
I'm gonna go here.
Me too.
See ya.
I smelled it?
Oh, you fucking idiot.
I smelled it?
Adam, what' d you smell, dude?
Was it that girl?
Was she here?
Oh, I bet her titties
were out today,
it's so hot out.
Did you see them?
Were they big?
Pleasant? Normal?
Medium size?
I don't know titties.
I'm gay.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
Wash your hands
and put on a clean shirt.
What for?
Oh shoot, they're early.
Who's early?
Adam, why don't you put on one
of your father's shirts?
- Chris, do you mind answering the door, please?
- Whatever you say, Karen.
Why do I have to change?
Your mom invited Dorothy CUDA and
her mother over fur dinner tonight.
What? Why?
Why did you do that?
Relax.
Don't be nervous.
Dorothy likes you.
Her mother told me so.
Yeah, well what if
I don't like Dorothy CUDA?
How could you not
like Dorothy CUDA?
Uh, well, there's
a lot of reasons why
I couldn't like Dorothy CUDA.
Welcome, welcome.
Father O'Malley. Martha.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing
out of bed, Adam?
What?
Now, I'm not here to impose.
I know this is a difficult time.
So enjoy your last meal
with your family.
I can give last rites
afterwards.
Last rites? Why would
you give my son last rites?
He's about to die.
Isn't he?
- What?
- No.
I'm... I'm sorry, father
but it's worse than death.
It's a matter
of eternal damnation.
Adam, what on earth
is she talking about?
I'm gay, mom.
That is not funny.
Do not joke like that
in front of father O'Malley.
I'm serious.
I'm gay. I'm gay.
I like guys.
But...
What about Dorothy CUDA?
- What about Dorothy...
- She's on her way.
I don't understand why
you don't understand this.
I'm gay. I'm gay.
Like... like...
Mmm.
So stop forcing
Dorothy CUDA on me.
Adam,
I was eating that.
Oh, seriously? You're upset
about a frickin' sausage?
Oh, come on.
No, dude.
The night is set.
We're going to Duffy's.
What about Adam?
We will be there
for him... at Duffy's.
Come on guys.
How many strip clubs
have we dragged Adam to?
Okay, that's irrelevant.
How many dollars has he shoved
down skanky Russian
breasts for you?
And how many times has he
fixed your piece of shit car?
- My car is not a piece of shit.
- It's a piece of shit.
When Adam came out, I told him,
I promised him that
nothing was gonna change.
I think we've been pretty
fucking cool about that.
We've done a descent job,
but it's not good enough.
Things should change.
He needs this, boys.
He needs us.
So where we going?
Oh, you're serious...
You're not gonna tell me?
Okay.
All right.
Are we really gonna...
Seriously?
Remember, don't make
eye contact with anyone.
Never leave each other's sight.
No matter what.
Wait for us.
Can we get four buds?
Uh, actually, can you make
those vodka sodas?
We're in a gay bar.
Vodka sodas it is.
There's actually
some girls here.
We didn't come
all the way downtown
for you to be looking at girls.
Yeah, man. You better
get at least eight dudes'
phone numbers tonight,
and they better
be fucking adorable.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
First time
in a... okay. Nice.
Act like you've
been there before, boys.
Uh, should we dance?
Um, no. I'm good.
Aw man, how are you going
to meet anybody
with your back
up against the bar?
Let's go.
I'll hold down. Make
sure no one roofies us.
So much for sticking together.
Come on, baby.
Bring your "a" game.
It's weird.
- Like?
- Relax.
Feel the groove, man.
There we go.
Yeah? Okay.
- You look hot.
- All right, thanks.
You look really, really good.
- Shake your dick, let's go.
- All right.
Show him how it's done, man.
Show him how it's done.
Whoa.
There you go.
Shot, please.
Wait for me, guys.
- Adam?
- Hi, what are you doing here?
- Hi.
- Are you-wait one second.
Um, Chris.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
I'm here with my brother
and his boyfriend.
And they' re really hitting
it off with your friend.
They sure are.
Look, the voicemail
that I left you...
- What?
- The voicemail I left the other night.
I'm sorry, I don't know what...
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Let's just dance.
Okay.
So that's the last time
I order a hotdog in a gay bar.
So how was your guys'
fist time in a gay bar?
I was just dancing.
That is all.
Honestly, I thought
it'd be a lot gayer.
I'm kinda disappointed.
It was good.
It was really good.
It was good.
So how'd you two meet?
Actually we worked at the
same office for years.
I was already out to everyone
there, Steve wasn't.
So things developed
rather slowly.
Eight months of asking
to borrow his hole-puncher,
I thought he'd get the hint.
So there's just one thing
that I still can't wrap
my head around...
How dues a gay man let his
sister walk out in public
with a Fanny pack on?
What?
- A lot of testosterone.
- Nice.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Tracy.
I can do better, trust me.
Wait, what did you call me?
- Tracy.
- Who's Tracy?
Hmm?
Who isn't Tracy?
Okay, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Trainy, Tracy, Trainy.
Just doesn't...
It's so funny.
Trainy? You think that
my name is Trainy?
He's kidding.
He does... he does that.
Like calls
people "Trainy."
- Hey Trainy.
- He called me train for five years.
He called me Trainy
tranny when I came out.
- He's a train guy.
- Yeah.
Wait, so what is my name?
Could we have the check?
I love this part.
Yeah, me too.
That guy's as ugly as you.
Hey, shut up.
Tricia.
Maybe it's tricia.
Maybe.
Should I text her that?
No, it's like 4am.
Uh, yeah.
You're right.
Only bad things can happen.
You get any dudes'
numbers tonight?
- No.
- What?
I was too busy dancing
with you guys.
Oh my god.
We were totally
cockblocking you.
Yeah, it's okay.
I had a really fun time.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
The fuck, man?
I thought you were...
Oh man, I'm sorry.
- I should go.
- No man, don't go.
I'm sorry, I was...
I'm drunk.
I thought... you don't...
Uh, Chris?
What's happening?
Just give me a minute.
What's wrong with it?
Nothing's wrong with it.
Just stop talking,
- you're making it worse.
- I'm sorry.
I've just never been
with a man who...
A man who what?
I'm a little drunk.
Just...
Ahem...
Maybe if we put it
in your mouth...
No, it's not
your fucking birthday.
Just suck on it.
- Why don't you have Adam suck it?
Jesus.
Fuck you.
Wha...
I was just joking.
- Why are you so mad?
- I'm not mad.
Wait. He didn't,
did he?
No, he didn't.
Did Adam suck your cock?
No he didn't fucking
suck my dick.
Jesus Christ.
- And you liked it, didn't you?
No, just stop talking about it.
How 'bout that?
Fine.
You have one new voice message.
First voice message.
Hey Chris, it's me.
I can't believe that happened.
I'm so fucking sorry,
I'm an idiot.
I'm... I was drunk.
And I just...
I don't know what I thought
but can you just
call me back, please?
Message deleted.
Hey man, where the fuck are you?
We're playing
flag football at four.
Uh, yeah, I don't know, man.
Is Chris gonna be there?
What? What's going
on with you two?
He asked me the same thing?
Well, what'd you say?
I said, "yeah. Our undefeated
season is on the line."
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll totally...
Yeah, man.
Okay. See you then.
You made a career
of composure
she needs you to steer,
she's hungover
he needs you to hear
listen closer
it's time
to come down
mm
and all the things
you've accomplished
they cover the length
of your office
where I am the wall,
worn out worthless
I lean on the ground
Victor
you are not
who you said you were
you said you were
when we met
mm
winner
you are losing
your loved ones
oh, your loved ones
chip by chip,
bet by bet
- I'm really glad you called.
- Yeah.
What are you doing
for the fourth of July?
'Cause you should come over.
My wife makes the most
amazing potato salad.
And I could totally sneak
some down to you
after the fireworks.
Oh... I don't know. I think
I'm gonna go to a party.
Okay, really? 'Cause you
don't sound so sure.
Yeah, it's just...
I usually go with Chris,
my ex-fiance.
But I don't know.
I don't think he wants me there.
Okay.
What, does he own you?
- He owns you?
- No.
Who cares what he thinks.
I do.
So you've still got it real bad
for this guy, don't you?
He must really know
how to get you off good.
No, man. Why? No. Not
everything's about sex.
Okay, then what's it about?
I miss him.
Does he know how you feel?
'Cause you gotta communicate.
Communication is the key to
any healthy relationship
oh really?
And how would you know?
How would I know? I've been
happily married for 17 years.
That's how I'd know.
What do you say
we go in the bathroom
and suck each other off?
It smells really good in here.
What did you guys
have for dinner?
Is that what you came over
at 10:00 at night
to talk about?
I'm really sorry
if you're ashamed of me.
Is that what you think?
We're ashamed of you?
I'm not ashamed of you.
I'm pissed off.
You kept a whole part
of your life from us.
How long have you known?
I don't know, like...
- Like ten years.
- Ten years?
Oh my god.
I should've known.
A mother should
know these things.
I didn't even know.
I just...
I just knew
that I felt different.
And I didn't know
why boobs were so cool.
You still could've told me.
I wanted to, but I just...
You always mentioned
girlfriends.
I thought you were shy.
I am.
I'm gay.
And I'm shy.
Well, I don't care.
I don't care
if you're the gayest,
shyest kid in all of America.
You're my son.
And I love you.
I love you too.
Just don't ever do that
to one of my sausages again.
Okay.
Honey, is there anything
you want to add?
I'll get the iced tea.
I... heard the Ortu's are
getting the good fireworks
this year.
Shipped all the way from China.
Yeah. I don't think
I'm gonna go.
Did you forget to rsvp?
'Cause you know you can't get
the good ribs unless you rsvp.
Yeah, that's what I hear.
I screwed up.
I screwed up big time, dad.
Just keep being yourself.
And if you get hungry tomorrow,
you can have some of my ribs.
Okay?
Yeah.
Let's go, Chris.
Our reservation
is in less than 30 minutes.
Okay, 30 minutes is plenty of
time to get to cheesecake factory.
Adam.
Hey.
Dorothy CUDA.
Wow. You look great.
- Thank you.
- How are you?
- Really good.
- Good.
Yeah. How are you?
Good. I'm good.
I'm gay now. In case my
mom didn't tell everybody.
She did.
I... I heard.
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
Is it true,
you shoved a sausage
down your...
Yep. Yep.
- Yeah?
- I did that.
Happens to everybody.
Right?
Does it?
Do you wanna go to the party?
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's do it.
I've got some things
I'm working on
doing my best
but freaking out
should I even
keep trying
Okay, I'll see ya.
Am I the only one
that feels
the world is stepping
on my heels
Dude, did you really just do a
casual slow-mo walk up in here
with Dorothy cu da?
Are you straight now?
No. Definitely,
definitely still gay.
Thank god. So you're gonna put
in a good word fdr me, right?
Oh, she's way out
of your league, Nick.
What do you know,
you're with that idiot.
Yeah. Happy fourth
of July, dipshits.
Welcome to the Ortu's'.
Baby, you like my outfit?
You're so sexy.
Just like a burly
Benjamin Franklin.
Oh, did you guys know Benjamin
Franklin died of syphilis?
Fact. He did.
Hey, well worth the risk.
So do you guys know
where Chris is?
Mm. I texted earlier, but
he's being flaky as shit, so...
Uh, yeah. I haven't talked
to him for a while,
but I'm sure he's gonna show up.
What's going on
with you two guys?
Dude, it's
freakin' Jess. Okay?
She's got him by the balls.
Power cf the pussy.
You have no idea
how dangerous it could be.
Have you guys
fucking read MacBeth?
Can you please
turn the radio down?
I can't even think.
Is that a prius
with two kayaks on it?
Who the fuck cares?
And a "save the whales"
bumper sticker.
What are you doing?
The cheesecake factory is on
the other side of the mall.
Do me a favor,
hand me that hockey stick.
Huh. I am not walking
all the way over there.
Chris, I am sick
of your bullshit.
Get back
in the car, limp-dick.
We're going to be late.
Jessica, I think
we should break up.
Forever.
Sorry about this.
Maybe not.
All right.
Hey, is she looking?
No, man.
Fuck you, man.
Aw, fuck.
Hey. I'm sorry
about the other day.
- The sausage thing.
- Oh, it's okay.
Cookie?
- Go ahead, take two.
- Okay.
Today we're all
on the same side.
- Whose, god's?
- Oh, no.
Don't be silly.
America's.
Do you think your gay lovers
would want some cookies?
What did you call us?
Oh, is that chocolate chip?
Ooh, oatmeal raisin.
The vegetable of cookies.
- Here you go, man.
- Thank you very much.
Attention.
Attention everyone.
I've got an announcement.
Are the ribs ready?
No father O'Malley,
they're not ready yet.
I promise you won't
miss out this year. Okay?
If we could just get the music
turned down a little bit,
I just want to say something.
Guys?
You guys know
what that means, right?
What's up, Chris?
- Hey.
- Hey beautiful.
How are you?
What am I fucking wood here?
Hey, man.
You came.
Yeah, well, I RSVP'D, so...
Where's Jess?
Ah, we broke up.
What dues that mean? You're
not gonna fuck her anymore?
I don't think I could
fuck her if I wanted to.
That's awesome, man. You can
do way bet-fer than Jess.
What's that supposed to mean?
You guys weren't
right for each other.
You didn't even like her.
How do you know how I feel?
You don't know shit.
Don't talk to me like that.
You said you hated her.
You told me you were straight
our whole fucking lives
- and then you tried to make out with me.
- What? When did that happen?
No, I thought you were
trying to kiss me...
- Man, fucking get over it.
- Get over it?
I was sad and desperate, I
would've tried it with anybody.
I'm not anybody, dude.
I'm your best fucking friend.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- I'm so sorry
- that my being gay inconvenienced you.
- Hey, guys...
Why didn't you tell me
you were gay
20 fucking years ago?
I was three.
Jesus, come on.
The ribs are ready.
Dad, terrible timing, okay.
I'm sorry.
Look, guys. Cheer the fuck up.
It's fourth of July.
We're here gathered today to
celebrate our country's independence.
Red, white and blue.
Ribs, beer, friends,
family, whatever.
But the most important thing
to me right now is that
I don't wanna be
independent anymore.
Michelle Valentino,
can we stop fucking around,
and make me the
luckiest man that ever lived?
Will you marry me?
- Yes.
- Good answer.
Do I know what I'm doing?
I don't know.
Ahh.
You're gonna be an Ortu.
Congratulations.
Dad, please put the ribs down.
Holy shit.
Did that just happen?
Yeah.
Jesus, man. How long have
we not been hanging out?
I don't know, man.
A really fucking long time.
Hey. Happy fourth of July.
What are you doing here?
Um, Adam invited me actually.
Surprise.
Sorry, I don't think you
guys have been introduced.
Chris. This is Rachel.
Rachel. This is Chris.
It's nice to meet you, Rachel.
We're getting married!
Are you gonna be okay?
That must have come
as quite a shock to you.
You two looked
so happy together.
Seriously.
This is gonna change everything.
Hey guys.
What's going on?
Did we miss anything?
Oh, don't worry, Karen.
The party's
just getting started.
May I have this dance, mom?
- What do you say, Rachel'?
- What just 'cause you know my name now,
you think I'm gonna
dance with you?
Well, it is dance party.
Okay, we'll see what you got.
Hey, Nick.
Do you wanna dance?
Yes.
So, Adam. When are we
gonna see you with a nice boy?
I don't know, mom.
And told me apart
so I could begin
ooh, ooh
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
ooh, ooh
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I see it, I feel it
I'm going,
I'm on my way
there was a scum
brushing my skin
you told me apart
so I could begin
ooh, ooh
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I see it, I feel it
I'm going,
I'm on my way
I can't believe we burned
through $89g worth of fireworks
in 1 2 minutes.
It's money well spent.
Yeah.
Man, I'm really sorry
- about everything.
- No, you don't have to be sorry, man. I'm sorry.
- No, you guys have been really cool about this whole time.
- Adam.
- I was stupid and I didn't even mean to.
- I shouldn't have acted like
- it was such a big deal. -I was
lonely, and if I could take it back,
- I would. But I can't
- it wasn't a big deal.
- It was my fault...
- So, can we just forget that...
How did that feel?
Honestly'?
Like kissing my brother.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Dude, it's okay.
- No, I'm...
Listen, I'm sure.
Are we good?
Yeah, man.
We're good.
Good.
Told you he wanted
to fuck me most.
You never listen, Chris.
I guess I never met
a real life gay dude before.
I went to high school with a couple
of guys that used to make out,
but that was just for weed.
And then one time at a party,
they gave each other handy's.
That was just for, um...
Actually, those two guys
might have been gay.
- Yeah, I think they were gay.
- Yeah.
Hey, Ronnie.
I got it.
- Eat your sandwich.
- See that?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do you remember me?
I came in about a month ago.
Yeah. Definitely
remember you.
Uh, is everything all right?
Yeah. Everything's great.
Actually until somebody
smacked this off my car.
No way.
Seriously?
Who would do that?
I have no idea.
I mean, you don't
need it to drive, but...
If you want,
I can put it back on.
It just quiets the exhaust.
It would take a couple minutes.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
Yeah? Okay.
I'm Adam, by the way.
Matt.
Matt. Cool.
Very cool.