5 Years Apart (2019) Movie Script
Look, I get it.
You're waiting for a
better opportunity at work.
It's not like
I don't think it's a good idea.
I don't mind taking on more
in my office.
Yeah, but I think we should
both make an equal contribution.
But buying a house now would be
a good investment in our family.
Oh, trust me,
I know and I know we've been
over this before but I really...
I don't mind getting
a second job.
How are we gonna start a family
if you die at 40 of exhaustion?
Uh, you can freeze my sperm.
No, they've made
incredible strides
in the scientific community.
You can have
the hottest surrogate guy.
-Surrogate guy.
-Yeah.
Ooh, sounds like the
worst superhero name ever.
-Surrogate guy...
-Oh, no.
...peppering his offspring
in every city...
Stop.
-You think the neighbors heard.
-Yeah, I think they...
They liked it, they liked it.
I'm glad we're gonna do this
for your birthday.
Yeah, me too.
When does your sister get in?
Thank you.
Ah, shoes off.
-What?
-I'm sorry, but shoes off.
I just put in a carpet. I don't
want you tracking in mud.
Oh, is this your house?
I'm just renting. You know,
mortgages these days.
Oh, come on, you got to buy.
This is prime real estate.
I mean, it's a fixer-upper
but if you put a sconce there,
there, it'd totally brighten
the place up.
-Sammy.
-Emma.
So we're gonna stand
on your front porch all night
or are you gonna invite me
inside of your house?
Thank you.
Oh, I'm starving.
Anything good in there?
Uh, you know, not much except
for pro-biotic yogurt.
- Oh, God.
- Why is there so much in here?
- Why, how much is in there?
- Uh, guess.
Uh, okay, well, I... Knowing my
mom, it's probably a lot.
I'm gonna say, three packs.
-Oh, my God!
-I mean, honestly.
- What the hell!
- You can't even buy this much in the stores.
It's got to be like straight
from the manufacturer.
All right, well,
I guess we got meals covered
for the weekend.
Yeah, sure. All right, come on,
buddy, show me around.
Well, that's what I was gonna do
until you went to the fridge
straight out of the gate.
That's really disappointing
to start off.
Sorry,
this will be better in here.
Oh, fancy!
Look at this furniture.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
This screams 1996.
Yeah, yeah.
-Um, actually,
this couch, in particular...
-Mm-hm.
...has a lot of history.
Let me take you back, okay.
Let me take you back.
-What's happening? Okay.
Um, it's the year 2000.
-Mm-hm.
I'm sitting right here
with Courtney Wanamaker.
We're listening to the
Three Doors Down album.
Oh, yeah,
and then "Kryptonite" comes on.
-I gotta make a move.
-Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah.
First kiss right here, no tongue
but, you know, first kiss.
Courtney Wanamaker, huh?
Oh, she had a frame
no sixth grader could handle,
mm.
-Should I be jealous right now?
-Um, no, come on.
She's probably got three kids
and in prison somewhere.
You know, I never pegged you
for the jailbird type.
-Oh, yeah,
I'm a big jailbird guy.
-Oh, you're a jailbird.
-Big bad jailbird.
-Oh, yeah.
Oh, and I don't mean
to keep you. You can...
You could find your...
Do you have friends?
- Go with all my friends here?
- Yeah, do you have a lot of...
Go visit sit with
them. I don't have any here.
You're my only friend here.
I'm alone.
Came here alone
on a Friday night?
Why are you judging me?
Uh, you're here alone
on a Friday night?
- Well, it's my house.
-Oh, yeah.
Right, you live here.
-Such a nice house.
-So, what's going on here?
What's in the backpack?
Bones.
That's one of my favorite shows.
Which season?
That was quick. Good job.
But, really, do you always bring
a backpack into bars or what?
-It's my stuff.
I'm here for the weekend.
-Mm?
-Mm-hm.
-Where do you live?
-Chicago.
- Really?
- Yeah.
-Sox or Cubs?
-Cubs.
Oh, no, he's leaving.
Wrong answer I guess.
This is...
What is going on?
Oh, my God!
-We were doing so well.
-I thought so too.
-I'm a White Sox fan.
-Yeah, obviously, that's clear.
Are you gonna come back or...
-She'll come over here.
-I won't. I'm not coming.
All right, you're right.
- I should be the bigger person.
- Wow!
Oh, God, thank you
for coming back and joining me.
Well, I forgot my drink.
Mm. I take it you're from
Chicago.
- South Side.
- Yeah.
-Born and raised.
-That is such a small world.
Why are you here?
- Oh, I'm back and forth between here and Chicago.
- -Mm.
-I went to ASU.
-Sick.
So we both just happen
to be here.
- I guess so.
- Yeah.
Hey, is it weird we're sleeping
in your parents' bed?
No, this bed
doesn't see any action.
Hey, big day tomorrow and
someone's still at the office.
No, I'm not.
I swear, I'm... I'm...
I'm not working.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I'm...
I'm looking up celebs who
have the same birthday as me.
- Okay, who do we got?
- Demi Lovato. Right.
-Andrew Garfield...
-Mm-hm.
...and, uh...
-Al Roker.
- Damn, who don't I have?
Lucky.
All right.
Uh, fuck, chuck, marry.
With those three?
Oh, that's a tough one.
Um, Demi's got great pipes
and, uh, she's super
body positive.
-I think I'm marrying her.
-Smart, I support that.
Andrew Garfield's hot but
he's already got a brand built.
-Yeah.
-It's tough to marry into that.
I mean, I have a tough time
being overshadowed as you know.
I mean, you'd always
be competing with the
spidey franchise.
- I didn't even think of that.
- Yeah.
I think I'm fucking Roker.
He's got,
he's got a great smile,
he's got nights open
which is convenient for me
and, uh,
and he can predict weather
patterns, he's a superhero.
And he'd definitely be prepared
with a raincoat.
Oh, you're so right.
Speaking of raincoats,
all this Al Roker talks
got me super wet.
-I was hoping maybe we could...
-Not a chance.
What?
Come on, it's my birthday.
- Not until tomorrow.
- Well, that's in like an hour.
All right, I'll wait an hour.
-All right, what are we getting?
-Tequila?
That'll get it done.
Two tequilas, please.
- On the rocks.
- On the rocks.
-With two limes.
-Two limes.
- Yeah.
- Demanding.
Thank you.
Uh, what do you do?
I am in the bounce house game.
What? What game is that?
I work for a bounce house rental
company, Sir Bounce A Lot.
Heh, heh, no. What?
-You're laughing at me?
-That's awesome.
Obviously, I don't want
to be renting a bounce house
the rest of my life,
but it puts tequilas
on the table.
Okay. Well, then,
cheers to Sir Bounce A Lot.
Baby, I bounce.
No, I get it. I don't want
to be at my job forever either.
-Where is that?
-I work at
a 3D printing company.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
-You don't like it?
-Oh, I do. I do.
I just feel like I can...
I feel like I can
do better shit, you know.
Then do better shit.
Yeah, I would
but my sister's my boss,
so it gets a little complicated.
-You'll find a way.
-Yeah.
You, uh... You want to know
what I really want to do?
Yeah.
-Are you sure you want to know?
-Yeah, I do.
Don't ask again...
You're going to ask again.
You're so dramatic.
-I don't know
if you're ready for this.
-I am. I'm ready for it.
What do you want to do?
I would love to play a song
on my shitty ass phone
and dance horribly with you.
Let's do it.
Close the door.
Let's get this bag out
off your shoulders.
- And this.
- It's gone.
Lose that. Holy shit!
- It's okay?
- Yeah, it's okay.
Right.
- Did you hear that?
- No, what?
- I thought I heard something.
- No, it's fine.
Come on.
-Really, a paperback?
-Yeah, a fucking ficus? Shh!
-Okay.
-Shh, shh!
-Okay.
-You hear that?
-No.
I think
it's coming from in here.
Yeah, I definitely
hear something.
All right, you stay here,
all right.
-Okay, I love you.
-Yeah, I love you.
You son of a bitch,
you think you can steal from...
-Oh, shit.
-Holy... Sammy.
-Hi, Andrew.
-Andrew.
-Emma?
-You know Emma.
Wait, what Emma's here?
Olivia,
what the hell is going on?
Oh, oh, God! Oh, God!
-Is that?
-Yes, this my wife.
-This is Olivia?
-Nice to finally meet you.
Wait. I still have no idea
how everyone knows each other.
Oh, my God!
You're beautiful.
Dude, get your bare dick off
my wife's gown.
- Okay, okay.
- What is wrong with you?
- I'm sorry. Can I borrow this?
- Yes, please cover up.
I've seen you,
one dimension in the photos.
But now here she is, bro.
She's three-dimensional.
What? Wait. How the hell
do you know my sister?
-Sister?
-We're half sisters.
Oh, oh, fuck,
your sister
is my brother's wife.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
you guys are brothers?
- Yes.
- This is your parents' house.
-Yup.
-All right, wait,
are they here right now?
- No.
- No.
Oh, good.
Emma, I thought you weren't
supposed to come until tomorrow.
Well, I did come.
-And how did this happen?
-I... I got one drink.
-One drink.
-I was putting up the charm.
Sammy,
what are you even doing here?
Why can't I be here?
It's my birthday too.
-What? I thought
it was Andrew's birthday.
-It is.
You guys have
the same birthday?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Holy shit!
- Thanks, Liv.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, that looks good.
Don't you think that's enough?
So how did you guys
not know that the other one
was gonna be here?
We haven't really
been talking recently.
Oh, why don't you give them
the full story?
He did clock me in the face
in front of our entire family.
And you did deserve it.
Oh, you're turning 30 and
you still got that edge to you.
25 and you're still a child.
Oh, man, what does
an adult birthday look like?
His friend Mark is coming in
for a round of golf.
- Oh, you're teaming up with the Links, huh.
- -Mm-hm.
Only you would leave
your wife behind
on your birthday.
Well, you know, if you were
at our wedding, you'd know that
Olivia loves golf too.
How would I know that
from your wedding?
Because we had a cake,
a golf cake.
Yeah.
Jesus,
it's your phone background.
No offense, Liv,
that's the lamest thing
I've ever seen.
Oh, that's,
that's a chocolate sand trap.
No, it's butterscotch, fuck you.
Look, Sammy, I think
your brother's point is
that he would have loved
to have you at the wedding.
I know. I had trouble
making it up there.
Well, you know, you really
didn't have any trouble
making it up into
my wife's sister, did you?
True.
So when's our guy getting here?
- You're such an asshole.
- I was messing.
I'm joking.
I'm messing with you.
What is wrong with you?
I mean, this clearly
was not my intention, I'm sorry.
Andrew and I went out of our way
to set you up with Mark,
so you could have a chance
at a real relationship
and you fucked this guy
on the way in.
Uh, Liv, this is funny.
And I didn't mean to ruin
the weekend. It'll be fine.
This isn't about the weekend,
Emma.
This is about you learning
how to take care of yourself
for once.
I do take care of myself.
Oh, by running around
to bars and hooking up
with random dudes?
I mean, don't you see how well
that worked out for mom?
Oh, my God!
Look, I moved on so
I wouldn't repeat her mistakes.
Well, that's great for you, Liv.
It's just that I don't want you
to repeat them either.
I understand that.
-All right,
so what do we tell Mark?
-Nothing.
It's not a big deal.
-Can you use a fork?
-No, I can't.
Honestly,
you're like a cave woman.
They're supposed
to be on your fingers.
That's what they made for.
You're like a woman
that lives in a cave.
Big guy.
Mom and dad
even know you're here?
-They're in Italy for a month.
-Yeah, I know,
this is their house.
And I always crash here
when they're gone.
What, you don't think
they want to see you?
What do you want me
to say to that?
What do you want from me?
What do I want from you?
I want you to leave, honestly.
I came here with my wife
to enjoy my birthday.
And I have every right
to be here too.
Can you just give us some space?
Why do you automatically
get the house?
-Sammy, we were here first,
all right. I'm older.
-And I'm not leaving.
All right, well, then you
do your thing and I'll do mine.
Oh, so we're just going
to ignore each other
this weekend?
Get off the car.
It's been five years, Sammy.
You punched me in the face
on Christmas.
After you tackled me
into a tree.
Yeah, because you called me out
in front of our entire family.
-I was trying to help you.
-Oh, that was some help.
Okay, you know what,
maybe I did go too far,
but at least
I've made an effort since.
But an effort to what?
Fix me? You want to fix me?
No, I don't want to fix you.
I want to have a relationship
with you.
Dude, I've hit you up.
Really?
You've hit me up.
Mm. Must have missed all those
times you've hit me up.
Also don't you think it's a
little weird that it's taken all
this for you to meet my wife?
I do.
I do, but I... I'm admitting
that. And I'm here now.
Well, we're already golfing
and we already have four
with Mark.
-Fuck Mark.
-No, not "fuck Mark," okay?
Mark's a great guy,
don't do that.
You know what, just...
Hey, just stay away from us,
all right.
I'm going to be here
all weekend.
And I'm not going to let
you ruin mine.
-We're going to play golf.
-Then I'm going to come with.
-We already have our group, Sam.
-No, bro, you want to hang out.
So, let's do that,
let's hang out,
let's play fucking golf.
-That's looking good, babe.
-Thanks.
-Full house.
-Mark.
Hey.
-All right, big guy,
happy birthday.
-Oh, thanks for coming, dude.
- Thanks for having me.
- Good to see you.
You remember my wife Olivia
from the party at the office.
-Hello, it's so nice to see you.
-This is my sister Emma.
Hi, Emma, nice to meet you.
Mark Jansen, VP, regional sales.
I work with Andrew.
He says
you're, uh, obviously amazing.
Oh, cool. I've... Yeah, I've...
I heard about you too.
Yeah.
Okay, so what's up
with cookie monster here?
Five on a foursome.
Yeah, well, this is my brother
Sammy, he's a late addition
to the group.
What's up, man?
I'm Sammy, Emma's boyfriend.
Well, that's not true at all.
Yeah. We just met.
Uh, it's a joke like your shirt.
Yeah, we're just kidding, man.
Relax, relax.
I'm not dating Emma, yet.
Yet. Okay. No, I'm just kidding.
-We'll see you out there, Matt.
-It's Mark.
- Take care, Matt.
- Cool, man.
Don't listen to him, I'm sorry.
He's just being silly.
Oh, what do they say?
Brothers and sisters are
as close as hands and feet.
-Yeah, heh.
-Closer than we'd like.
Uh, well, this wasn't awkward
at all. Let's go...
-Let's get to golfing, right?
-We're on.
These are some nice clubs, Matt.
- Let's play some golf, all five of us.
- -Whoo.
- All right, Mark.
- Come on.
Par-4, buddy, you got this.
It's big moment.
Ah, jeez, this wind's
picking up, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Pfft. Strong winds.
Yeah, south easterlies,
it's a Mark special.
Why don't you step off again
and make sure?
-Sammy.
-Stop that.
-I'm trying to help him.
-Stop it.
No, you're not.
- Whoo.
- Whoo.
-Holy shit!
-Beautiful.
- Whoa.
- Fuck, yeah, Mark.
- Holy shit.
- Jeez, man.
- That was really good.
- That was perfect.
Solid work, bud.
Solid work, come on.
That's right.
PGA Tour, huh?
All right.
Oh, my God, why don't
you try a few more, Sammy?
All right, all right.
Don't need it from you.
-Okay.
-Don't need it from you...
Hurry up.
- Oh, fuck.
- Floor.
- Sammy, just a moment.
- What?
Stay there.
Here, pivot it up.
You got feminine hips, see?
You got to drop down.
-Why are you touching me, Mark?
-Just trying to help you out.
No, stop talking to me.
My God, Sammy,
he's just trying to help you.
-Golf is fucking stupid.
-Hey.
-Okay.
-It's stupid.
Jesus.
-Yeah, exactly.
-It doesn't help us obviously.
Right. I'd say... I think
you look good in a visor.
- Okay, thank you.
- He should not be
wearing a visor. Oh, just...
-It's hot out here, eh.
-Are you okay?
Yeah, no, I...
I'm shooting for par.
No, no, I mean,
you like look really, really...
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Mark?
- Did he just faint?
- What happened?
- Is he breathing?
Okay, here.
No, let's get him over the car.
Somebody get him some water.
Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, God.
- Sammy, go do something.
All right, fine. I will, I will.
I'll do something.
- You guys are super dramatic.
- Oh, just go.
-Just get him in there, okay.
-Here we go.
All right, we got it,
we got it, we got it.
- Careful, careful, careful.
- Oh, babe.
-Don't throw him.
-I didn't throw him, he just...
-He's dense. He's very dense
for such a short guy.
-Jesus!
Feeling better?
Uh, you look like an
angel in that light.
I think you're just feeling
that fall still, bud.
-You'll be okay.
-There he is.
What took you so long?
They're busy, dude,
but I got that water he needed
so badly.
That's the biggest water
you could have gotten?
Yeah, it's...
Oh, he's awake.
-It's all they had
in the clubhouse.
-Oh, my God!
-What is that?
-Did you take a sip of that?
-Yeah, it was...
-What's wrong with you?
-It was spilling.
-Just drink it.
-Oh, so sipping it makes it...
-It was spilling everywhere.
You brought him no water...
You know what...
-Hey.
-Hey.
I would just like
to apologize for, you know,
my behavior back there.
Your behavior...
Oh, what?
I don't remember
any crazy outbursts
or you going on a rant
about how much you hate golf.
Yeah, well, I didn't think
they'd be taking it
so seriously.
I don't think
they're taking it seriously.
I think they're just trying
to enjoy themselves.
It's his birthday.
It's your birthday.
Hey, we're thinking
of grilling out before
we do presents and cake.
Yeah, we're gonna fire up
the Barbie.
-Please, I'm starving.
-Yeah, yeah, I'm down.
-Let's fire that Barbie up.
-Yeah.
You sure you don't have
to be somewhere, Sammy?
No, no, I'll stick around.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
-Awesome.
-Yeah, let's eat.
All right.
I'd be down for just Lunchables.
We're not eating
just Lunchables.
Why? They're good.
Hey, is the hamburger meat here
or back there?
-I think it's up here.
-I'm seeing beer.
-Oh, here's Franks.
-Yeah.
Mark, man,
I just want to, um, apologize
to you. I did...
I got a little carried away
on the greens today.
Oh, back there?
Uh, don't worry about it, champ.
-Oh, let's grab some of this.
-Champ? You kidding me.
Stop looking
for a reason to fight.
You were a dick
on the greens today.
No, no.
I stand behind my actions, okay?
Golf is a dumb game.
Then why'd you
just apologize to him, huh?
Oh, you want an apology, too.
I would love an
apology from you,
at least once in your life.
-Oh, here we go.
-Here's the meat.
-Now we're talking.
-Look at the ground beef.
-Mm-hm.
-For Mark's authentic burgers,
these will do it.
The value packs
are always great.
-Hey, our friendship is nothing
but value.
-Heh.
So, um, actually,
Andrew tells me you guys
are looking for a place.
I'm not sure if he told you,
I just got one myself.
Oh, yeah, you know,
we've been talking about it.
There's no need
to rush anything now.
We're pretty happy
with where we're at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm sure, but, I mean,
it is a buyer's market,
it might be best to sort
of get it now while it's good.
Oh, you know, that's what
I'm always telling him.
Baby, you should listen
to your friend.
-I know, I should.
-Smart. He's smart.
-Thanks, Mark.
I appreciate that.
-Oh, you're welcome, mate.
Now I have to buy a house.
Why is it always so cold
in grocery stores?
Well, that's just what they do.
It's Arizona, it's always hot,
you know.
You know,
I'm sorry though, right.
Will you stop acting
so apologetic, please?
I get that it's weird
but you're acting crazy.
But it's...
Because it is weird.
I had to cover my piece with a
copy of Pride and Prejudice.
That...
I know, yeah, I was there.
I was naked too.
I was wrapped up in
like an itchy blanket, naked.
-Was it itchy? It wasn't for me.
-It actually was.
I'm still itching.
Seriously, though, are you okay
with me being here this weekend?
I am so okay with you being here
this weekend.
I just wish you'd stop acting
like it's a big deal.
-Yeah, it's no big deal, right?
-It's no big deal.
-No big deal?
-No big deal.
-No...
-These chips are a big deal.
Hey.
I told you that I was leaving.
Yeah, she's here. She's fine.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.
Love you, bye. Bye.
-Who's that?
-Mom.
-Mom. What does she want?
-She was wondering where I was.
Why? Why does she care?
-Because she lives with me.
-What?
Yeah, ever since she got kicked
out of her apartment last month,
she has been living with me.
You can't keep enabling her
like this, Emma.
Why are you acting
like I'm doing something wrong?
She's never gonna learn
if you continuously
clean up her messes.
Who's going to take care of her
if it's not me?
Seriously, Olivia,
it's not going to be you.
I just...
I can't believe you didn't talk
to me about this first.
Why... why would I talk to you
about this when you act
like this?
She takes advantage of you
every time.
Will you stop acting
like taking care of our mother
is a weakness?
-Please.
-Okay, fine.
But don't complain to me
when she leaves again.
Oh, my God!
They don't usually
let me in places this nice.
Are you sure
you don't need any help?
Oh, yeah, mate.
You're kidding, I'm your guest.
-It's the least I could do.
-Well, thank you.
All right, we were hoping
to clean up a bit before dinner,
so...
-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah, no, absolutely.
I mean, I've pretty much got it
all covered here
so, yeah, you know what
they say, man of the house,
king of the grill.
Oh!
Oh, is that what they say?
Yeah, it's, um... It's a saying,
it's pretty big...
It's a pretty common saying.
-Yeah, in Australia?
-Just most places...
-It's a pretty common word.
-All right.
Let me know
if you can't find anything.
-All right, you got this, buddy.
-Okay.
A lot of people say it.
We have to tell Mark
what happened last night.
-What's that gonna solve?
-We put him in this situation.
He deserves to know the truth.
Well, don't you think
that should be up to Emma?
She'll never tell him,
she's far too immature.
Yeah, like Sammy's
the poster boy for maturity.
This is so dumb
but when we were kids,
we used to try to write our
names in the dirt with our pee.
-Wait, so you guys are guys.
-No, no, it gets worse.
One time when Sammy
was like seven,
he somehow got his hands
on a bottle of Flomax,
thinking he could write
his whole name out.
-Does that even work?
-No, no, he just pissed himself
immediately.
Tell me more about this punch
you landed.
Hmm.
It was definitely not my
proudest moment being a brother.
What happened?
Sammy dropped out of school
without telling our parents
and I felt like
they needed to know.
So you told them.
We tried to keep him
from making a big mistake,
and he didn't see it that way.
I would argue that the punch was
out of self-defense, honestly.
Look, I'm just surprised I've
never heard the story before.
He's not in our lives.
He's not in my life
after everything I've tried
to do to keep him in it.
He just totally shuts me out.
I get it.
I mean, you know all that
stuff going on with my mom.
Yeah, I do, but, ah, I mean,
your mom at least came
to our wedding, right?
Where's Sammy been
for the last five years?
He didn't even get
to meet you until this weekend.
Right, and now that
he's here, everything's suddenly
supposed to be okay?
Yeah, but it does seem
like he is trying.
That's the thing.
It's not me that's keeping
him here, it's Emma.
I...
What do you mean?
It just...
It doesn't make any sense?
-How?
-Because Taran Killam
is like 6'1".
-Okay.
-Amanda Bynes is only like 5'7".
Oh, my God, but her grandma
is like 90 years old,
so it doesn't matter?
Oh, I don't care
if she's blind and deaf.
You would know the difference
between Killam and Bynes.
-Not if you're 90.
-And how does the script...
How does the script even getting
to Paul Giamatti's hands?
-Simple. Frankie Muniz gets run
over by Giamatti's limo...
-Hmm.
...and Muniz is in
a rush to get his paper
and so when he gets in the car
and he drops his backpack
in a rush,
he forgets his paper.
-Oh, that is way too easy.
-Okay.
-Sammy.
-Emma.
- Sammy, Sammy.
- Okay, Emma, Emma, Emma.
I'm not saying that
Big Fat Liaris a perfectly
structured script.
But, no, no,
you know what it is.
-But that's...
-It's perfectly
structured script.
-That's what you're saying.
-You're crazy.
But that's what you're saying.
No, hey.
-Oh, my God! I deserved it.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
-Why are you so cool?
I could talk about early 2000s
teen dramas for days.
Yeah, you can.
How are you putting up with me
and my brother so well?
I mean, you guys are siblings,
siblings fight all the time.
Liv and I don't see eye to eye
on anything.
But you guys still get along.
Yeah, but that's because
it's been the two of us
and our mom since forever,
so we figured out a way
to work things out
because women are superior
to men in all ways.
I agree.
How do you not talk
to your brother for five years?
That's crazy.
-Because he's a dick.
-People are dicks.
Just because he's different
from you doesn't make him
a bad person.
-Ah, there he is.
-Wow, look at all this.
-Yeah.
-What's the landing time
on these puppies?
Ah, I'm not gonna lie, mate.
We ran into a little turbulence
with the glaze.
Yeah,
ran out of, uh, teriyaki sauce,
so the Mark had to take a bit
of a detour down to Dijon town,
but don't you worry,
I think the skies are looking
clear for these tasty travelers
to touchdown in grillville
in like five minutes.
Huh? Okay.
Uh, does that mean I can take
them out to the grill?
-Oh, yeah, bro. Go let it rip.
-Cool.
Hey,
we're about to start grilling.
Good, I'm hungry.
-Are you getting out?
-Yeah, yeah.
I'll be out in a minute.
-Are you peeing?
-I am.
You coming in?
Hey, the water's warm.
Look at you in the kitchen.
Do you need some help?
-Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could
always use an extra hand.
-Okay.
Are you any good
at cutting up tomatoes?
I'm only good
at cutting up tomatoes.
-All right, there's one.
-Yeah, here it is.
Where did you learn to cook?
Uh, my dad actually
is an unbelievable chef.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Oh, it's a dream. I'm actually
trying to be a chef.
Well, you're doing good so far.
Are you taking classes
or what are you doing?
Thank you. I am. I am.
I am taking classes
at this place called Good Eats
in the West Loop.
-Have you heard of it?
-Yeah, with Chef Lummy.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I go way back
with Chef Lummy.
How do you know him?
Uh, he was cooking with my dad
when we first moved out here
to the states.
-What?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-That's crazy.
-Actually,
when I was growing up,
my dad had a food truck
and we'd drive around
all the neighborhood festivals
during summer.
How are you not fat or...
I'm kidding.
Well, I do CrossFit.
I do a lot of CrossFit.
- You could tell that.
- Yeah, I could tell, cool.
-How are we doing in here?
-Oh. Uh, good.
-Yeah, we're good.
-Nice. Nice. Looks good.
-Do you guys want some help?
-I think we're good.
Yeah, you don't want too many
cooks in the kitchen, Sammy.
What are you doing?
Get dressed.
We're about to eat, come on.
Dinner's ready, come on.
Get ready.
-That's bullshit.
-How is that bullshit?
Because that's
what everybody does,
they move to the city and
they become a Cubs fan.
-What's wrong with that?
-It's the hip thing to do.
-Okay.
-Well, have some loyalty to
where you're from.
Oh, Sammy, I'm not sure
if you're aware of this,
we actually don't have a
Major League team down under.
That is fair.
And plus we have all our company
outings at Wrigley.
Mm-hm. It's a beautiful stadium.
Oh, yeah, the ivy, the rooftops,
the food, there's so much
history there, Sam.
No, Wrigley can't touch
the spread at Sox Park.
It's the best food in baseball.
Sox Park, Sox Park.
I don't think
that's what it's called.
Isn't it named after like a
second-tier cell phone provider?
Funny, you're funny.
It is not even called
US Cellular Field anymore.
All right, you guys somehow
change it to something worse.
No, no, no,
take it easy on Sam.
I actually think
Guaranteed Rate Field
had a really nice ring to it.
-Guaranteed...
-Oh. Andrew,
you back me up here?
Huh.
Nothing better than
a White Sox game.
Yeah, I mean,
you know, the Cubs are
an exciting young team.
You're kidding.
We've been White Sox fans
forever.
Yeah, but Wrigley
is so much fun, though.
- Yeah, fun.
- Yeah, fun.
'05 was the best year
of my life.
-Oh, that's sad.
-Oh, man, that's...
- That's just sad.
- We were World Series champs.
That was almost 15 years ago,
Sammy.
And I love my boys
and they love me back.
Okay, so why can't other people
have that?
Yeah, why can't I have that love
for the Cubbies.
-Because it's about loyalty,
Mark.
-Okay.
I hate to break it to you,
but the bandwagon, it's full.
It's full of people like you,
you got a job in the city,
you found the team that was
winning and you became a fan
so you got something to do
when you hit happy hour
with your co-workers.
All right, whoa,
whoa, whoa mate.
Foul ball now, I can understand
not liking the team,
but we don't need
the personal attacks.
But it is personal.
I'm not gonna go grab a beer
with a group of Cubs fans.
-Oh, Sammy, that's ridiculous.
-No, it's not.
I don't... I don't wanna
associate with them. I don't
wanna be friends with them.
I wouldn't even fuck
one of them.
-What about Emma?
-Huh?
Why would you...
Why'd you say that?
-Yeah, why would you say that?
-I think...
I think she was just
offering a hypothetical like,
you know, would you have sex
with Emma if you could?
Yeah,
but why specifically Emma?
Yeah, why specifically Emma?
Well, hypothetically,
I'd have sex with her.
Great, cool. Um...
Yeah, I mean,
I'd have hypothetical sex
with her too, though.
That's just so flattering,
now I know that both of you...
Wait, I just don't understand
the reason for the question.
I don't think she meant anything
by it honestly, right, Olivia?
I mean,
why are we avoiding this, right?
-We're not avoiding anything.
-Wait.
Did any actual sex happen here
or not?
Well, Olivia and I,
we had a little bit of sex.
They did have sex, so...
-You know what?
-No. No. No.
-No.
-I'm gonna do it.
-No, no.
-I mean, honestly,
I think you should do it.
-What's he going to do?
-I think I got to do it.
-Sammy.
-What are we doing?
-Yup, we're doing it.
-Take a deep breath.
What do you got?
Emma and I had real sex
last night.
We had intercourse
for a very brief period of time
until my brother and his wife,
who I hadn't even met yet,
they burst in
and they caught us.
They caught us
in some steamy passion.
And, bro, tell me,
is it weird that we're siblings
but we've hooked up
with another pair of siblings?
-Can you not?
-Liv, Liv, I'm sorry.
-I don't know
if you saw my penis.
-I did.
She saw it.
Of course, she did
because it was out the whole
time except for when it was in...
- Sammy.
- Hey, can you stop?
Okay, you're done.
Let's take a seat.
- Yeah, stop.
- Sit down.
I'm so sorry,
I'm an honest guy
and I just thought
you're the only one here
who didn't know that.
-I thought you should know.
-Emma, what's he talking about.
I don't know.
Why did you do this?
Mm?
- Why are you doing this?
- Who's talking?
Oh, we're so sorry, Mark.
Mate, with all due respect,
I could put you through
a fucking wall if you want.
But why would you,
because I was barely in...
Hey. You're making this
so much worse right now.
All right, listen, Mark,
we're really sorry about this
and you seem like a great guy.
Such a loyal Cubs fan.
Son of a bitch,
you want to go,
you curly-headed cunt?
Okay, hey. Hey, hey, let's,
let's open presents now.
Hmm? Let's do that.
I want to open my goddamn gifts.
I'll get them.
All right,
are we, uh, ready to start?
Yeah, sorry, we didn't
get you anything, Sammy.
We weren't expecting you.
Babe, this one's from me.
All right, what'd you...
What'd you do here? Ah!
Hey, this is great.
Oh, look at this.
Yeah, it's a very nice polo,
mate.
- It's a good color.
- Oh, so much golf.
-What was that, Sammy?
-It's a great gift, Olivia.
-Thank you so much.
-Thanks, babe.
You're welcome.
Mark, do you want to go next?
No, mate, it's fine.
Just open mine later.
-Is this yours? I got it.
-No, please don't, it's cool.
-Just do it later, mate.
-No, it's fine.
What's the big deal?
Oh, what'd you get?
What'd you get?
That's great, Mark,
thank you so much.
- Well, what is...
-That's great, thanks, man.
Who's next?
-Well, babe, what is it?
-Oh, it's just a personal...
- It's just a thing.
- Yeah.
- Personal...
- Inside thing...
- Between us.
- Yeah.
-Is it a secret?
-No, it's not a secret,
it's just...
-It's a paperweight.
-Oh.
Oh. Let's see it.
Yeah, how will it go
with your desk?
-It's not, it's...
-Sure, let's open it.
Just show us.
- Oh.
- What is it?
-It's a... Yeah.
-What is that shape?
-It's Wrigley Field.
-What?
-What?
-Wrigley fucking Field.
Wow.
But that'll go great with
holding down the papers at work.
I'm sorry, mate.
Where do you work again?
Where was it, uh, Cinnabon?
I work at a bounce house rental,
Mark.
Wait, what? Mom said you were
working at a catering company.
Nope,
left that job a few months ago.
-Why, what happened?
-I don't know, I didn't like it.
Well, you were never one
for commitment, were you?
Uh, why don't you open my, um...
Oh, Emma, you didn't have
to get me anything.
- It's really not a big deal.
It's just.
-Oh, let's see here.
Ah, heh, how appropriate.
- Never have too many of these.
- Very practical.
So, Sammy, tell me, mate.
How do you sustain yourself,
let alone, you know,
a one-night stand,
a girlfriend, a fuck,
living off hourly wage
from a fucking children's store?
Come on, Mark.
No, because I've been thinking,
right, you've got to be making
$11.50 an hour.
Guess I should hang out
with more businessmen who cook.
No, no, mate. You don't want
to change up that lifestyle
of yours from hanging out
with high school burnouts
at your fucking dead-end job.
Okay, not everyone has made
the same decisions as you.
And I'm not gonna complain
about where I'm at.
But if you hadn't dropped out...
It's not about that.
It is though
because, I mean, you've, heh...
you've got limited options.
There are different paths
to take.
That's right because
some of us take the right path
and I guess others just sort
of take the wrong one.
Well, thank God, I didn't take
the same fucking path as you.
Oh, yeah, thank God,
I'm not a fucking loser.
Fuck you, Mark.
Fuck you.
You see, that...
that's your problem.
You think of everything
as winning or losing.
You think...
You think because I don't have
like a basic office job,
you're better than me.
Just because I don't work
a nine to five doesn't mean that
I can't be happy.
And, yeah, yeah, I dropped out
of ASU, big fucking deal.
It takes balls to do that,
to look at something so clearly
and know that it's not for you.
Knowing... knowing full well
that everyone else
is gonna stick around
because that's what
you're told to do
and I'm gonna sit here while
you ask me what my job title is?
As if that's gonna like tell you
who the fuck I am.
No, no, I'm over that.
You wanna know
why we don't talk anymore
because we are completely
different people
and you... you still think you
know what's best for me.
I have never asked you
for anything, ever.
I haven't needed you
in five years,
I don't need you now.
Happy birthday, bro.
You didn't have to push him,
Liv.
Well, it needed to come out.
I didn't think you guys
would attack him.
We were just playing around.
Really, because
none of that felt playful.
-I mean, why... What...
-Are you defending him still?
He's been a dick ever
since I got here.
-Not enough to deserve that.
-Are you kidding me.
Oh, really,
because he fucked your sister.
-Hey.
-What's wrong with that?
I can fuck whoever I want, Mark.
Emma, you were brought here
to be set up with me,
but instead you fucked
some loser the night before.
I don't think you're even
seeing this straight.
No, I don't think
you're seeing this straight.
I'm not a piece of property,
Mark.
You don't have the right to me
and for the record, I am so far
out of your fucking league
that you would have no idea
what to do with me.
- Do you hear me?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mark, I think
it's time for you to go.
Are you kicking me out?
Yeah, all right, princess.
Princess? What the fuck
happened to you, huh?
I'm kicking you out
while you got a shred
of dignity left, yes.
Get the fuck out of here.
Why, are you serious?
Yeah, I'm fucking serious,
get out of my house.
Fine. You know what,
good luck, Emma.
I'm sure you're gonna have
a blast living in a fucking
inflatable house with Sammy.
Living together, what the fuck
did you think this weekend is?
-You're psychotic.
-Okay, I'm a psycho.
-How's this for psycho?
Mmm, Sammy.
-Get out.
Sweet throw.
This cake blows.
He's a cool friend.
You forgot it was my birthday?
What about, uh...
What about Percy and Mo?
You still...
You still talk to them?
And tell your sister
and her friends.
No, no, no, you told me
you love me, I never said that.
Did I? Like we used to,
it's gonna be fun.
Come on, it's my birthday.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
I'm glad you stood up to him.
But all this could have
been avoided if you just
didn't sleep with Sammy.
Liv.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
You... you egged him
on the whole time
and this could have been avoided
if you didn't try to construct
the perfect weekend
and force me to like Mark.
I'm just saying
if you made a better choice,
I wouldn't be cleaning
a birthday cake off the shirt
I bought Andrew.
- A better choice.
- Yeah.
A better choi...
Yeah, you picked
a real fucking winner.
You know what, will you stop...
Will you just please stop trying
to control every aspect
of my life?
- I don't do that, Emma.
- Yes, you do.
Work, how I take care of mom,
the guys that I date,
I could go on.
Look, you put other people
first every single time,
I'm just trying to make sure
you don't get hurt, that's it.
Okay, well, I don't need you
to protect me, thanks.
I'll get it. Ahem.
What if it's Mark?
If it's Mark, I'm gonna shove
that paperweight up his ass.
-Can I help you?
-We're here for the party.
You must have the wrong house,
check with the neighbors.
Where's Sammy?
- You guys know Sammy?
- Yeah.
Yeah,
we went to school with him.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
How many more people
are coming here?
Man, look, do we got
no ? Let us in.
- Yo.
- There you are.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Come on in, yes,
make yourself at home.
Why not?
Oh, guys,
you have to say hi to Emma.
Emma, please meet everyone.
-Hello, Emma.
-Hi.
She's very important to me.
You just want
to get out of here?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm ready to go.
-Should we tell them?
No, let's get our shit and go.
Oh, you know what, guys,
can you give me just one second?
-What's up?
-What's up?
- I mean...
- -Why don't you tell us what's up?
Oh, well,
it was pretty awful in here,
so I decided to invite
some old ASU friends over.
You didn't want to run that
by us?
Well, I thought we were...
We were worrying
about ourselves,
you know, like you said,
you do your thing, I do mine.
- Do we have to leave?
- -Yeah, this is really awkward.
No, 'cause then they're gonna
see us walk right by them.
Yo, you guys, if you want to
just make yourselves at home,
you know the drill,
you've been here many times.
Thank God, all right,
you don't have to tell me twice.
Raid the fridge, do the thing.
Parents are gone.
- Hmm.
- Real cute.
-Yeah.
-People came over to party.
So, Emma and I,
we're gonna have a good time,
right?
-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah,
that sounds about right.
What,
that I want to enjoy myself?
Classic Emma.
All right, then,
we're gonna leave.
Oh, you're gonna go?
Well, you should drive safe.
-Buckle up.
-Click it or ticket.
Okay, let's go. Just...
-I don't know, family drama.
-I don't know, heh.
-Okay, question.
-Yeah.
-Where's Mark?
-Oh, he left for the night.
-Mark left?
-Yeah, he's gone.
-That's a bummer.
-Mm-Hm.
I was really rooting
for you two.
Oh, were you?
You were really rooting for us?
You guys had a thing
in the kitchen I saw.
-Oh. It was hot.
-It was hot.
-Mm-Hm.
-Turned me on.
I'm sorry that
he was such a dick to you.
That sucks.
Yeah, but you know what,
people can be dicks.
Someone really wise
once told me that.
-Oh, guess what?
-What?
I threw the cake at his face.
-No, you didn't.
-Yeah, I did.
-You threw the cake...
-I threw the cake at his face.
You threw the double
thumbs cake at his face,
you double thumbed him.
-Yeah, I guess, heh.
-Can you just...
-Please come meet my friends.
-Should we go drink?
- Okay. Let's go.
- I want you to meet my
friends.
- Guys...
- Can we please drink?
Do you guys want to
shotgun a beer?
- Yes, for the love of God.
- All right.
Give me something.
Hello, Mr. Russo.
Yeah, I'm still here.
So it turns out that
we're actually all booked up
for the night.
Wow, explain that.
Well, there's a
big golf tournament in town
this weekend.
- You're a motel.
- I'm aware of that.
If you want to hold
for a sec, I'll get you the
number to another motel and...
No, no, no, no.
Sir, you do realize
it's not me causing
this problem.
Yes, it is you.
Okay, Mr. Russo,
have a great night.
Oh, you think that you...
Hello?
-How'd it go?
-Not well.
- Oh, my God!
- Watch your step.
- Oh, my God!
- Watch your step, watch your step.
Where are you taking me?
Dude, can you just trust me
for like five seconds?
I don't know.
I don't know if I can.
-Five seconds of your life.
-Okay, wait.
Wait, wait, you ready?
Ready, ready, turn.
-No, I'm not.
-Turn, turn, turn.
-I'm nervous, okay.
-All right, we are here.
-Okay, okay.
-Open your eyes.
-Come on.
-No, fucking, way?
-Sir Bounce A Lot delivers.
-You're the real
Sir Bounce A Lot.
-Can we go in?
-Wait, shoes off.
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Shoes off.
She does not need...
She doesn't need, no.
She does not need
to ask anyone for approval.
But as an older sister,
you... you...
It's hard to watch
your younger sibling grow up.
It's not easy.
Yeah, but as a younger sibling,
like, I feel like you always
have to try to earn your respect
and the only way we can do
that is if we make our own way.
Emma, you have
to make your own way.
Yeah, but we've also been
through it, so we try to steer
you in the right direction.
To making your own way..
-I'm gonna cheers to that.
-All right, let's make
our own way, guys, together.
-Okay.
-To making your own way.
-Team.
-Are we're gonna do
a one, two, three?
-I don't know how to...
-Just got weird.
It got weird. It got weird.
-Are we really this lame?
-I'd like to think we are not.
We just spent 20 minutes
fighting over a room in a motel.
What happened to us
this weekend?
I'll tell you what happened
to us, our little siblings
had sex with each other.
That's what happened to us.
Now they completely took
over the house with the party.
-Does sound kind of fun, though.
-What?
-I'm not giving in.
-Yeah, you are.
Come on, let's go get a beer.
Better yet, why don't you bring
a couple beers back here?
Come on, no,
it is your 30th birthday.
Our little siblings
are in there outdrinking us.
I used to drink Sammy under
the table in this very house.
Okay, then, come on.
We're not gonna let
them outdo us.
All right,
but I'm smuggling beers
right back to this room.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- She broke up with me.
- She broke up with you?
-She broke your heart, huh?
-Yeah.
-How you feeling?
-I feel good.
What? Heh.
- We just are on the same wavelength.
- -Always.
-Oh, I thought you two left.
-I'm gonna grab a beer.
I... I think we're gonna stay.
- You're gonna stay.
- Yeah.
Well,
then you should sit with us.
-You sure?
-Come on. Sit down.
-You want to know, Sam?
-What?
-She stayed
because she seen my goatee.
-That's bullshit.
-Did you get a drink?
-Not yet.
-I'm sorry.
-For what?
Well, I won't be setting you up
with any more guys anytime soon.
- That's for sure.
- Oh, my God!
Mark, are you serious?
Listen, he seemed...
He's different at work.
-Yeah, so he's cute.
-And he makes a lot of money.
Okay, yeah.
I haven't been
a good big sister.
No, look, all I...
All I want is your respect.
That's all I want
and for you to acknowledge what
I've been able to do on my own.
No, you're right.
Honestly... I mean,
you've been killing it.
You basically take care of mom
while I completely avoid her.
Yeah,
I appreciate you saying that.
Look, you know,
I just want the best for you
and I'm sorry if I get
a little cuckoo sometimes.
-You get cuckoo.
-You know me, I overdo it.
-I've always been that way.
-No, I'm lucky to have you.
-I love you.
-My big sister
that's smaller than me.
-Yeah, why are you
so much taller than me?
-I don't know.
-It's not fair, honestly.
-What was mom doing?
Sammy, do you hate me?
No, Liv, I don't hate you.
To be honest, I thought...
I thought, Mark would've found
out a lot sooner.
You're a good kid.
I'm just glad that
the four of us can all hang
on your birthdays.
-Oh, you're joining us too.
-No, I just, uh,
came for a beer.
I'm gonna head back
to the room actually.
-One beer.
-Yeah.
It's an adult birthday.
Wait, it's your birthday too?
Oh, yeah,
that's my older brother Andrew.
Y'all got the same birthday
but y'all ain't twins.
That's right.
Damn, so y'all parents
must fuck once a year
on the same day.
Never thought of it like that
but, yeah, suppose so.
Makes sense.
-Where they at right now?
-Italy for a month.
That's where they fuck.
-Okay.
-Heh.
He got Ros and a cake,
look at him.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- -Are you kidding me?
Look, before you say anything,
I've actually come to apologize.
Really, why don't you save it,
all right?
It's bad enough
I have to see you at the office
on Monday.
I know, right,
I went full crocodile hunter
on your cake.
I haven't done that in years
and I feel terrible.
I don't know what got into me.
Mark, what are you doing here?
Well, look,
after you threw me out
and I mean, rightfully so,
I wound up at a bar
down the end of the street
and ended up sitting
next to this local rider
with a big fucking beard
and before I said anything
to him, he turns around at me
and he goes, "Mark, you've gotta
atone for your misdeeds."
Damn, who you got drinks with,
Dumbledore?
- I wish.
- He was the greatest headmaster Hogwarts had Hufflepuff,
so I couldn't...
-I don't know.
-Okay.
What do you... What does
this have to do with anything?
Look, this potential Dumbledore,
he grabbed my hands
and he looked in my eyes
and for a moment
it felt like he was like really
looking into my soul
and he goes,
"Look, it's never too late
to admit when you're wrong."
Maybe this is just the buttery
Ros with its wild berry
after tones talking.
What is your...
-What the fuck do you want,
Mark?
-What is happening?
I don't have anywhere else
to go.
All the motels are booked
so I staggered back here.
I'm shit-faced.
I stopped
and I got you an apology cake
because I, you know,
fucked yours up.
And I just...
I don't have any friends.
I've never really
had any friends and I just...
I'd like friends,
but I do shit like today...
...and, Emma,
what I said to you was wrong.
It was... it was sexist,
it was misogynistic and I...
I know we're not cool,
but I'd want to be cool.
All right, listen, Mark,
there's room on the couch
I guess, if you need to stay.
Yeah, I mean, that'd be...
that'd be cool.
Okay, just give me the cake.
You're just like
waving it around.
And do me a favor,
don't annoy anyone, all right?
-Just keep it together, please.
-Yeah, thanks.
What flavor is this?
It's, uh, buttermilk frosting
with, uh, rainbow inside.
It's...
I've had it before
when I was upset.
Mm. All right, hold it in,
hold it in.
You're so pretty
when you smoke.
Oh, it's been a while.
- Hi.
- Babe, come here.
-Hey.
-Come here, sit.
-Want some of this?
-What are you doing?
-Just having fun with the kids.
-Oh, my gosh!
How was Sammy
as a roommate?
Oh. Sammy was the best,
I mean, well, he would use
my toothbrush sometimes
and then he'd say it was
bringing us closer together.
I had a pretty shitty time
transitioning to college,
but Sammy
was always there for me.
He actually made an effort
to get to know me.
Those people
are hard to come by.
Yeah.
And you guys didn't try
to stop him from dropping out?
No, I mean, it's... it's Sammy,
he doesn't half-ass shit.
He made up his mind
and then he just kind of
stuck to it.
Yeah, it wasn't even a thought
and he's always supported us,
so that's what
we're gonna do for him.
Hmm.
But that's like...
that's like the only thing...
-9-5 job.
-Job is to me...
is like everything.
-I'd say a job's
pretty important.
-No.
-Well, it is.
-Hey, guys, I'm gonna turn in.
-What?
-All right, babe.
I think you should stay out
but whatever you want to do.
No, it's all good.
I just... It's been a long day.
Um, I'll see you in there.
-Yo, Andrew, rate my dive.
-What?
Big fish flopping in.
Cool. Good job, Mark.
It's good to see you, fuckers.
- Sammy.
- Yes.
Boys are back in town.
Uh, guys, where's Mark?
-Didn't he go back inside?
-No, he just jumped in.
Where... where did he go?
-Where'd who go, babe?
-Mark, he... he...
- What?
- He really just... He just...
He was right here. I think...
I think you're sitting on Mark,
Sammy.
-What does that even mean?
-He's under the raft, man.
No, he's not.
It's not that big of a pool,
I don't know how...
Well, then, fuck,
jump in and save him.
No, me, I'm fully...
That's gonna be so much...
You're already in the pool,
why don't you go get him?
-What?
-I don't...
Are you sure?
I don't see him.
Okay, someone just get off
the raft and find Mark.
Goddammit!
All right, I will save Mark.
Please.
Oh, shit, he's drowning.
Sammy, come on.
-Oh, shit,
he's under the freaking raft.
-Oh, my God!
- I got him.
- Okay, hey.
Come on, come on.
Bring him to the side.
Bring him...
Bring him to the side.
Come on. I got him.
Fuck. Mark. Mark.
Mark, wake up. Mark.
He's not moving,
what do we do?
Give him out mouth to mouth.
I don't know.
- No, you do it.
- Save his life, damn it.
- Sammy, come on.
- He's your friend.
- Why does it...
Why me?
-Just do something, man.
Oh, God. Mark.
It's in my mouth.
You okay?
Mark, you all right?
- Yeah.
- God.
- He's fine.
- He's good.
-Okay.
-He's all right.
He's all right.
So, um, one more time,
your drink of choice was Ros?
I mean, I don't see how
that's relevant, but, yeah.
And the...
And then the cake that
hit you in the face, that was...
-What was the flavor of that?
-All right, Thompson, ease up.
Okay? Look at the guy.
He's had a terrible night,
he's quivering.
-He doesn't look good.
-How's your lolly, sir?
What is that, sour apple?
-What's that good for you?
-Yeah, it's amazing.
- Good, okay.
- First responders are here.
Who invited the, uh, second line
of defense?
- Easy, chief.
- We're first responders.
Yeah, and you boys
are 10 minutes late.
This sweet man over here
would have drowned
if it weren't for us.
Walton, I swear that's about
enough out of that mouth...
Hey, Ponds.
Let's keep it professional, huh.
- She makes me so mad.
- Everything all right?
-Is one of you in charge?
-Well, this guy.
How's it going, guys?
We're responding to a 10-16 call
we received about a drowning.
- And we have it covered.
- Okay.
I'm calling a sidebar. 10-4.
What the hell is a sidebar?
Thompson, shall we step aside
to have a discussion, okay?
All right, look.
We need this, all right, medics?
Let's get on the same page here,
huh?
Yeah, you guys, news travels
really fast in a small town
and we just don't get
many opportunities like this.
We cannot risk
looking unprofessional.
-Not again.
-Well, then let us do our job.
Yeah.
I don't know,
what do you say, boss?
I don't even know, boys.
Yeah, I don't know.
We literally just have to take
this man to the hospital.
Take him to the hospital,
that's a bold call, Walton.
But I like it.
Uh...
All right, we're all clear here,
everyone can disperse,
go home safely.
You fellas,
have yourself a good night.
Just tighten it up here.
-I'm going to sleep.
I'll see you in the morning.
-For sure.
-Still awake?
-Yeah.
9th green?
So this weekend went well.
Oh, man.
-It's right here, right?
-Yeah?
I still can't believe
you're married, ugh, and that I
had sex with your wife's sister.
Okay.
-Seriously, I missed a lot.
Yeah, you did.
-Didn't have to though.
-Yeah.
Oh, after what happened...
I felt like the entire family
thought I was a failure
and then every time you
tried to make it better,
it just felt like
we drifted further apart.
It was like you, you...
You took it personally that
I was doing something
differently than you.
Yeah. Yeah, and then...
And then, I'm hearing from mom
how well you're doing,
knowing that I'm always going
to be labeled the dropout.
I think I was scared
to face that.
And then, when you... you...
You called me out in front
of everybody on Christmas.
You know, it did...
It just felt like you didn't
respect my opinion.
You didn't respect my choice.
That's why I tackled you
into the tree.
Man, I really wish
you would have opened up
to me about that before.
I didn't know
that you felt like that.
Well, I did it.
It fucking hurt.
Well, you know,
it hurt me too, man, you weren't
the only one isolated.
I mean, it's...
It sucks that
you're not in my life.
Don't you think that I...
I want to know
how you're doing?
Don't you think it's...
it's painful
-that I got to find out about
you through mom and dad?
-Yeah, yeah.
Don't you think that
I wanted you to be my best man
at my wedding?
Yeah, you're right.
You're right, man,
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
But I don't... I don't regret
the choices I made.
But I do... I do regret what
it did to our relationship
and I'm sorry.
Look, we both did this,
you know.
But we can change it now.
All right? Uh, you make
decisions and you stand
behind them.
I'm done getting on you
for that.
-Yeah.
-I can't... I can't even...
Uh, I can't even make a decision
without worrying about
what could go wrong.
I can't.
But you make choices
that are good for you.
-That's...
-You do, man.
I'm telling you,
seeing you and Liv this weekend,
holy shit, did I realize that.
You got an awesome life.
You got a great partner,
a stable job.
I love my wife to death,
I really do
and I like what I do.
Yeah, then what are you
so worried about?
I'm just worried that
the rug's gonna get pulled out
from underneath.
There is no rug.
There's no rug, man,
you're there.
You worked hard for it.
Now you get to share that
with Liv.
Hmm.
You know we want to share it
with you too.
Then could we just not let
this happen again?
It won't.
Let's never fucking hit
each other again.
No tree dives.
I miss you so much, man.
- I miss you, man.
- I miss you so much.
All right, get off me,
there's something
we still got to do.
-Never got a chance
to open this.
-Oh, wow.
Right now
is a great time for that.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
-You've got to be kidding me.
-Yep.
-Where'd you even get this?
-Oh, I grabbed it
at the grocery store.
Wow, well...
-What are you doing?
-What do you think I'm doing?
-We're taking it, come on.
-All right.
Hey, I never got
to, uh, say happy birthday.
Thanks, big bro, you too.
There's so much flow.
-All right, that's all of it.
-It's everything.
So we'll see you
in a couple weeks?
-I will be there.
-All right.
-Bye, Liv.
-Be good.
I will try.
Big bro, drive safe.
Will do.
-See you soon.
-Yup, see you soon.
-Yep. It's hot.
-It hurts.
So you got a plane
to catch.
Yeah, I love a good
mile-high hangover.
-Yeah, that'll be a lot of fun.
-Yeah.
Are you coming with?
No, no,
my flight's not until later
and I literally have not slept.
-That's rough.
-Yeah.
-So I'm gonna do that.
-Cool.
Super, super cool indeed.
Yeah. Am I gonna
see you again or...
Yeah, yeah.
So I care about you a lot
and I think
you are super awesome.
I think you're...
You're so kind and, fine,
you're way smarter than me.
It's a fact. Heh.
I don't really know
what protocol is here
because I never do this,
but I think, uh, I would like
to see you again.
Is there a way
we can make that happen?
Uh...
They have these things
called cell phones.
I think they invented them
like a few years back.
- Cell phones?
- Cell phones, cell phones.
-Is that?
-Yeah, they're like this good.
-Yeah, yeah, go farther.
-Oh, I don't know.
- So dramatic to the end, heh.
- All right.
Well, you know...
I already pissed them off enough
so you should probably go.
Get in the car.
They're super patient,
this is good.
Bye, Emma.
By, Sir Bounce A Lot, heh.
-You remembered.
-The privilege was mine.
-Yeah, I'm sure it was.
-Yeah.
I will see you
at our next family function.
-Please never say that again.
-We're family.
-We're not family.
-Keeping it in the family.
-We could be family, one day.
-We already are.
-Oh.
-Okay, let go.
You're waiting for a
better opportunity at work.
It's not like
I don't think it's a good idea.
I don't mind taking on more
in my office.
Yeah, but I think we should
both make an equal contribution.
But buying a house now would be
a good investment in our family.
Oh, trust me,
I know and I know we've been
over this before but I really...
I don't mind getting
a second job.
How are we gonna start a family
if you die at 40 of exhaustion?
Uh, you can freeze my sperm.
No, they've made
incredible strides
in the scientific community.
You can have
the hottest surrogate guy.
-Surrogate guy.
-Yeah.
Ooh, sounds like the
worst superhero name ever.
-Surrogate guy...
-Oh, no.
...peppering his offspring
in every city...
Stop.
-You think the neighbors heard.
-Yeah, I think they...
They liked it, they liked it.
I'm glad we're gonna do this
for your birthday.
Yeah, me too.
When does your sister get in?
Thank you.
Ah, shoes off.
-What?
-I'm sorry, but shoes off.
I just put in a carpet. I don't
want you tracking in mud.
Oh, is this your house?
I'm just renting. You know,
mortgages these days.
Oh, come on, you got to buy.
This is prime real estate.
I mean, it's a fixer-upper
but if you put a sconce there,
there, it'd totally brighten
the place up.
-Sammy.
-Emma.
So we're gonna stand
on your front porch all night
or are you gonna invite me
inside of your house?
Thank you.
Oh, I'm starving.
Anything good in there?
Uh, you know, not much except
for pro-biotic yogurt.
- Oh, God.
- Why is there so much in here?
- Why, how much is in there?
- Uh, guess.
Uh, okay, well, I... Knowing my
mom, it's probably a lot.
I'm gonna say, three packs.
-Oh, my God!
-I mean, honestly.
- What the hell!
- You can't even buy this much in the stores.
It's got to be like straight
from the manufacturer.
All right, well,
I guess we got meals covered
for the weekend.
Yeah, sure. All right, come on,
buddy, show me around.
Well, that's what I was gonna do
until you went to the fridge
straight out of the gate.
That's really disappointing
to start off.
Sorry,
this will be better in here.
Oh, fancy!
Look at this furniture.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
This screams 1996.
Yeah, yeah.
-Um, actually,
this couch, in particular...
-Mm-hm.
...has a lot of history.
Let me take you back, okay.
Let me take you back.
-What's happening? Okay.
Um, it's the year 2000.
-Mm-hm.
I'm sitting right here
with Courtney Wanamaker.
We're listening to the
Three Doors Down album.
Oh, yeah,
and then "Kryptonite" comes on.
-I gotta make a move.
-Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah.
First kiss right here, no tongue
but, you know, first kiss.
Courtney Wanamaker, huh?
Oh, she had a frame
no sixth grader could handle,
mm.
-Should I be jealous right now?
-Um, no, come on.
She's probably got three kids
and in prison somewhere.
You know, I never pegged you
for the jailbird type.
-Oh, yeah,
I'm a big jailbird guy.
-Oh, you're a jailbird.
-Big bad jailbird.
-Oh, yeah.
Oh, and I don't mean
to keep you. You can...
You could find your...
Do you have friends?
- Go with all my friends here?
- Yeah, do you have a lot of...
Go visit sit with
them. I don't have any here.
You're my only friend here.
I'm alone.
Came here alone
on a Friday night?
Why are you judging me?
Uh, you're here alone
on a Friday night?
- Well, it's my house.
-Oh, yeah.
Right, you live here.
-Such a nice house.
-So, what's going on here?
What's in the backpack?
Bones.
That's one of my favorite shows.
Which season?
That was quick. Good job.
But, really, do you always bring
a backpack into bars or what?
-It's my stuff.
I'm here for the weekend.
-Mm?
-Mm-hm.
-Where do you live?
-Chicago.
- Really?
- Yeah.
-Sox or Cubs?
-Cubs.
Oh, no, he's leaving.
Wrong answer I guess.
This is...
What is going on?
Oh, my God!
-We were doing so well.
-I thought so too.
-I'm a White Sox fan.
-Yeah, obviously, that's clear.
Are you gonna come back or...
-She'll come over here.
-I won't. I'm not coming.
All right, you're right.
- I should be the bigger person.
- Wow!
Oh, God, thank you
for coming back and joining me.
Well, I forgot my drink.
Mm. I take it you're from
Chicago.
- South Side.
- Yeah.
-Born and raised.
-That is such a small world.
Why are you here?
- Oh, I'm back and forth between here and Chicago.
- -Mm.
-I went to ASU.
-Sick.
So we both just happen
to be here.
- I guess so.
- Yeah.
Hey, is it weird we're sleeping
in your parents' bed?
No, this bed
doesn't see any action.
Hey, big day tomorrow and
someone's still at the office.
No, I'm not.
I swear, I'm... I'm...
I'm not working.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I'm...
I'm looking up celebs who
have the same birthday as me.
- Okay, who do we got?
- Demi Lovato. Right.
-Andrew Garfield...
-Mm-hm.
...and, uh...
-Al Roker.
- Damn, who don't I have?
Lucky.
All right.
Uh, fuck, chuck, marry.
With those three?
Oh, that's a tough one.
Um, Demi's got great pipes
and, uh, she's super
body positive.
-I think I'm marrying her.
-Smart, I support that.
Andrew Garfield's hot but
he's already got a brand built.
-Yeah.
-It's tough to marry into that.
I mean, I have a tough time
being overshadowed as you know.
I mean, you'd always
be competing with the
spidey franchise.
- I didn't even think of that.
- Yeah.
I think I'm fucking Roker.
He's got,
he's got a great smile,
he's got nights open
which is convenient for me
and, uh,
and he can predict weather
patterns, he's a superhero.
And he'd definitely be prepared
with a raincoat.
Oh, you're so right.
Speaking of raincoats,
all this Al Roker talks
got me super wet.
-I was hoping maybe we could...
-Not a chance.
What?
Come on, it's my birthday.
- Not until tomorrow.
- Well, that's in like an hour.
All right, I'll wait an hour.
-All right, what are we getting?
-Tequila?
That'll get it done.
Two tequilas, please.
- On the rocks.
- On the rocks.
-With two limes.
-Two limes.
- Yeah.
- Demanding.
Thank you.
Uh, what do you do?
I am in the bounce house game.
What? What game is that?
I work for a bounce house rental
company, Sir Bounce A Lot.
Heh, heh, no. What?
-You're laughing at me?
-That's awesome.
Obviously, I don't want
to be renting a bounce house
the rest of my life,
but it puts tequilas
on the table.
Okay. Well, then,
cheers to Sir Bounce A Lot.
Baby, I bounce.
No, I get it. I don't want
to be at my job forever either.
-Where is that?
-I work at
a 3D printing company.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
-You don't like it?
-Oh, I do. I do.
I just feel like I can...
I feel like I can
do better shit, you know.
Then do better shit.
Yeah, I would
but my sister's my boss,
so it gets a little complicated.
-You'll find a way.
-Yeah.
You, uh... You want to know
what I really want to do?
Yeah.
-Are you sure you want to know?
-Yeah, I do.
Don't ask again...
You're going to ask again.
You're so dramatic.
-I don't know
if you're ready for this.
-I am. I'm ready for it.
What do you want to do?
I would love to play a song
on my shitty ass phone
and dance horribly with you.
Let's do it.
Close the door.
Let's get this bag out
off your shoulders.
- And this.
- It's gone.
Lose that. Holy shit!
- It's okay?
- Yeah, it's okay.
Right.
- Did you hear that?
- No, what?
- I thought I heard something.
- No, it's fine.
Come on.
-Really, a paperback?
-Yeah, a fucking ficus? Shh!
-Okay.
-Shh, shh!
-Okay.
-You hear that?
-No.
I think
it's coming from in here.
Yeah, I definitely
hear something.
All right, you stay here,
all right.
-Okay, I love you.
-Yeah, I love you.
You son of a bitch,
you think you can steal from...
-Oh, shit.
-Holy... Sammy.
-Hi, Andrew.
-Andrew.
-Emma?
-You know Emma.
Wait, what Emma's here?
Olivia,
what the hell is going on?
Oh, oh, God! Oh, God!
-Is that?
-Yes, this my wife.
-This is Olivia?
-Nice to finally meet you.
Wait. I still have no idea
how everyone knows each other.
Oh, my God!
You're beautiful.
Dude, get your bare dick off
my wife's gown.
- Okay, okay.
- What is wrong with you?
- I'm sorry. Can I borrow this?
- Yes, please cover up.
I've seen you,
one dimension in the photos.
But now here she is, bro.
She's three-dimensional.
What? Wait. How the hell
do you know my sister?
-Sister?
-We're half sisters.
Oh, oh, fuck,
your sister
is my brother's wife.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
you guys are brothers?
- Yes.
- This is your parents' house.
-Yup.
-All right, wait,
are they here right now?
- No.
- No.
Oh, good.
Emma, I thought you weren't
supposed to come until tomorrow.
Well, I did come.
-And how did this happen?
-I... I got one drink.
-One drink.
-I was putting up the charm.
Sammy,
what are you even doing here?
Why can't I be here?
It's my birthday too.
-What? I thought
it was Andrew's birthday.
-It is.
You guys have
the same birthday?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Holy shit!
- Thanks, Liv.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, that looks good.
Don't you think that's enough?
So how did you guys
not know that the other one
was gonna be here?
We haven't really
been talking recently.
Oh, why don't you give them
the full story?
He did clock me in the face
in front of our entire family.
And you did deserve it.
Oh, you're turning 30 and
you still got that edge to you.
25 and you're still a child.
Oh, man, what does
an adult birthday look like?
His friend Mark is coming in
for a round of golf.
- Oh, you're teaming up with the Links, huh.
- -Mm-hm.
Only you would leave
your wife behind
on your birthday.
Well, you know, if you were
at our wedding, you'd know that
Olivia loves golf too.
How would I know that
from your wedding?
Because we had a cake,
a golf cake.
Yeah.
Jesus,
it's your phone background.
No offense, Liv,
that's the lamest thing
I've ever seen.
Oh, that's,
that's a chocolate sand trap.
No, it's butterscotch, fuck you.
Look, Sammy, I think
your brother's point is
that he would have loved
to have you at the wedding.
I know. I had trouble
making it up there.
Well, you know, you really
didn't have any trouble
making it up into
my wife's sister, did you?
True.
So when's our guy getting here?
- You're such an asshole.
- I was messing.
I'm joking.
I'm messing with you.
What is wrong with you?
I mean, this clearly
was not my intention, I'm sorry.
Andrew and I went out of our way
to set you up with Mark,
so you could have a chance
at a real relationship
and you fucked this guy
on the way in.
Uh, Liv, this is funny.
And I didn't mean to ruin
the weekend. It'll be fine.
This isn't about the weekend,
Emma.
This is about you learning
how to take care of yourself
for once.
I do take care of myself.
Oh, by running around
to bars and hooking up
with random dudes?
I mean, don't you see how well
that worked out for mom?
Oh, my God!
Look, I moved on so
I wouldn't repeat her mistakes.
Well, that's great for you, Liv.
It's just that I don't want you
to repeat them either.
I understand that.
-All right,
so what do we tell Mark?
-Nothing.
It's not a big deal.
-Can you use a fork?
-No, I can't.
Honestly,
you're like a cave woman.
They're supposed
to be on your fingers.
That's what they made for.
You're like a woman
that lives in a cave.
Big guy.
Mom and dad
even know you're here?
-They're in Italy for a month.
-Yeah, I know,
this is their house.
And I always crash here
when they're gone.
What, you don't think
they want to see you?
What do you want me
to say to that?
What do you want from me?
What do I want from you?
I want you to leave, honestly.
I came here with my wife
to enjoy my birthday.
And I have every right
to be here too.
Can you just give us some space?
Why do you automatically
get the house?
-Sammy, we were here first,
all right. I'm older.
-And I'm not leaving.
All right, well, then you
do your thing and I'll do mine.
Oh, so we're just going
to ignore each other
this weekend?
Get off the car.
It's been five years, Sammy.
You punched me in the face
on Christmas.
After you tackled me
into a tree.
Yeah, because you called me out
in front of our entire family.
-I was trying to help you.
-Oh, that was some help.
Okay, you know what,
maybe I did go too far,
but at least
I've made an effort since.
But an effort to what?
Fix me? You want to fix me?
No, I don't want to fix you.
I want to have a relationship
with you.
Dude, I've hit you up.
Really?
You've hit me up.
Mm. Must have missed all those
times you've hit me up.
Also don't you think it's a
little weird that it's taken all
this for you to meet my wife?
I do.
I do, but I... I'm admitting
that. And I'm here now.
Well, we're already golfing
and we already have four
with Mark.
-Fuck Mark.
-No, not "fuck Mark," okay?
Mark's a great guy,
don't do that.
You know what, just...
Hey, just stay away from us,
all right.
I'm going to be here
all weekend.
And I'm not going to let
you ruin mine.
-We're going to play golf.
-Then I'm going to come with.
-We already have our group, Sam.
-No, bro, you want to hang out.
So, let's do that,
let's hang out,
let's play fucking golf.
-That's looking good, babe.
-Thanks.
-Full house.
-Mark.
Hey.
-All right, big guy,
happy birthday.
-Oh, thanks for coming, dude.
- Thanks for having me.
- Good to see you.
You remember my wife Olivia
from the party at the office.
-Hello, it's so nice to see you.
-This is my sister Emma.
Hi, Emma, nice to meet you.
Mark Jansen, VP, regional sales.
I work with Andrew.
He says
you're, uh, obviously amazing.
Oh, cool. I've... Yeah, I've...
I heard about you too.
Yeah.
Okay, so what's up
with cookie monster here?
Five on a foursome.
Yeah, well, this is my brother
Sammy, he's a late addition
to the group.
What's up, man?
I'm Sammy, Emma's boyfriend.
Well, that's not true at all.
Yeah. We just met.
Uh, it's a joke like your shirt.
Yeah, we're just kidding, man.
Relax, relax.
I'm not dating Emma, yet.
Yet. Okay. No, I'm just kidding.
-We'll see you out there, Matt.
-It's Mark.
- Take care, Matt.
- Cool, man.
Don't listen to him, I'm sorry.
He's just being silly.
Oh, what do they say?
Brothers and sisters are
as close as hands and feet.
-Yeah, heh.
-Closer than we'd like.
Uh, well, this wasn't awkward
at all. Let's go...
-Let's get to golfing, right?
-We're on.
These are some nice clubs, Matt.
- Let's play some golf, all five of us.
- -Whoo.
- All right, Mark.
- Come on.
Par-4, buddy, you got this.
It's big moment.
Ah, jeez, this wind's
picking up, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Pfft. Strong winds.
Yeah, south easterlies,
it's a Mark special.
Why don't you step off again
and make sure?
-Sammy.
-Stop that.
-I'm trying to help him.
-Stop it.
No, you're not.
- Whoo.
- Whoo.
-Holy shit!
-Beautiful.
- Whoa.
- Fuck, yeah, Mark.
- Holy shit.
- Jeez, man.
- That was really good.
- That was perfect.
Solid work, bud.
Solid work, come on.
That's right.
PGA Tour, huh?
All right.
Oh, my God, why don't
you try a few more, Sammy?
All right, all right.
Don't need it from you.
-Okay.
-Don't need it from you...
Hurry up.
- Oh, fuck.
- Floor.
- Sammy, just a moment.
- What?
Stay there.
Here, pivot it up.
You got feminine hips, see?
You got to drop down.
-Why are you touching me, Mark?
-Just trying to help you out.
No, stop talking to me.
My God, Sammy,
he's just trying to help you.
-Golf is fucking stupid.
-Hey.
-Okay.
-It's stupid.
Jesus.
-Yeah, exactly.
-It doesn't help us obviously.
Right. I'd say... I think
you look good in a visor.
- Okay, thank you.
- He should not be
wearing a visor. Oh, just...
-It's hot out here, eh.
-Are you okay?
Yeah, no, I...
I'm shooting for par.
No, no, I mean,
you like look really, really...
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Mark?
- Did he just faint?
- What happened?
- Is he breathing?
Okay, here.
No, let's get him over the car.
Somebody get him some water.
Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, God.
- Sammy, go do something.
All right, fine. I will, I will.
I'll do something.
- You guys are super dramatic.
- Oh, just go.
-Just get him in there, okay.
-Here we go.
All right, we got it,
we got it, we got it.
- Careful, careful, careful.
- Oh, babe.
-Don't throw him.
-I didn't throw him, he just...
-He's dense. He's very dense
for such a short guy.
-Jesus!
Feeling better?
Uh, you look like an
angel in that light.
I think you're just feeling
that fall still, bud.
-You'll be okay.
-There he is.
What took you so long?
They're busy, dude,
but I got that water he needed
so badly.
That's the biggest water
you could have gotten?
Yeah, it's...
Oh, he's awake.
-It's all they had
in the clubhouse.
-Oh, my God!
-What is that?
-Did you take a sip of that?
-Yeah, it was...
-What's wrong with you?
-It was spilling.
-Just drink it.
-Oh, so sipping it makes it...
-It was spilling everywhere.
You brought him no water...
You know what...
-Hey.
-Hey.
I would just like
to apologize for, you know,
my behavior back there.
Your behavior...
Oh, what?
I don't remember
any crazy outbursts
or you going on a rant
about how much you hate golf.
Yeah, well, I didn't think
they'd be taking it
so seriously.
I don't think
they're taking it seriously.
I think they're just trying
to enjoy themselves.
It's his birthday.
It's your birthday.
Hey, we're thinking
of grilling out before
we do presents and cake.
Yeah, we're gonna fire up
the Barbie.
-Please, I'm starving.
-Yeah, yeah, I'm down.
-Let's fire that Barbie up.
-Yeah.
You sure you don't have
to be somewhere, Sammy?
No, no, I'll stick around.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
-Awesome.
-Yeah, let's eat.
All right.
I'd be down for just Lunchables.
We're not eating
just Lunchables.
Why? They're good.
Hey, is the hamburger meat here
or back there?
-I think it's up here.
-I'm seeing beer.
-Oh, here's Franks.
-Yeah.
Mark, man,
I just want to, um, apologize
to you. I did...
I got a little carried away
on the greens today.
Oh, back there?
Uh, don't worry about it, champ.
-Oh, let's grab some of this.
-Champ? You kidding me.
Stop looking
for a reason to fight.
You were a dick
on the greens today.
No, no.
I stand behind my actions, okay?
Golf is a dumb game.
Then why'd you
just apologize to him, huh?
Oh, you want an apology, too.
I would love an
apology from you,
at least once in your life.
-Oh, here we go.
-Here's the meat.
-Now we're talking.
-Look at the ground beef.
-Mm-hm.
-For Mark's authentic burgers,
these will do it.
The value packs
are always great.
-Hey, our friendship is nothing
but value.
-Heh.
So, um, actually,
Andrew tells me you guys
are looking for a place.
I'm not sure if he told you,
I just got one myself.
Oh, yeah, you know,
we've been talking about it.
There's no need
to rush anything now.
We're pretty happy
with where we're at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm sure, but, I mean,
it is a buyer's market,
it might be best to sort
of get it now while it's good.
Oh, you know, that's what
I'm always telling him.
Baby, you should listen
to your friend.
-I know, I should.
-Smart. He's smart.
-Thanks, Mark.
I appreciate that.
-Oh, you're welcome, mate.
Now I have to buy a house.
Why is it always so cold
in grocery stores?
Well, that's just what they do.
It's Arizona, it's always hot,
you know.
You know,
I'm sorry though, right.
Will you stop acting
so apologetic, please?
I get that it's weird
but you're acting crazy.
But it's...
Because it is weird.
I had to cover my piece with a
copy of Pride and Prejudice.
That...
I know, yeah, I was there.
I was naked too.
I was wrapped up in
like an itchy blanket, naked.
-Was it itchy? It wasn't for me.
-It actually was.
I'm still itching.
Seriously, though, are you okay
with me being here this weekend?
I am so okay with you being here
this weekend.
I just wish you'd stop acting
like it's a big deal.
-Yeah, it's no big deal, right?
-It's no big deal.
-No big deal?
-No big deal.
-No...
-These chips are a big deal.
Hey.
I told you that I was leaving.
Yeah, she's here. She's fine.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.
Love you, bye. Bye.
-Who's that?
-Mom.
-Mom. What does she want?
-She was wondering where I was.
Why? Why does she care?
-Because she lives with me.
-What?
Yeah, ever since she got kicked
out of her apartment last month,
she has been living with me.
You can't keep enabling her
like this, Emma.
Why are you acting
like I'm doing something wrong?
She's never gonna learn
if you continuously
clean up her messes.
Who's going to take care of her
if it's not me?
Seriously, Olivia,
it's not going to be you.
I just...
I can't believe you didn't talk
to me about this first.
Why... why would I talk to you
about this when you act
like this?
She takes advantage of you
every time.
Will you stop acting
like taking care of our mother
is a weakness?
-Please.
-Okay, fine.
But don't complain to me
when she leaves again.
Oh, my God!
They don't usually
let me in places this nice.
Are you sure
you don't need any help?
Oh, yeah, mate.
You're kidding, I'm your guest.
-It's the least I could do.
-Well, thank you.
All right, we were hoping
to clean up a bit before dinner,
so...
-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah, no, absolutely.
I mean, I've pretty much got it
all covered here
so, yeah, you know what
they say, man of the house,
king of the grill.
Oh!
Oh, is that what they say?
Yeah, it's, um... It's a saying,
it's pretty big...
It's a pretty common saying.
-Yeah, in Australia?
-Just most places...
-It's a pretty common word.
-All right.
Let me know
if you can't find anything.
-All right, you got this, buddy.
-Okay.
A lot of people say it.
We have to tell Mark
what happened last night.
-What's that gonna solve?
-We put him in this situation.
He deserves to know the truth.
Well, don't you think
that should be up to Emma?
She'll never tell him,
she's far too immature.
Yeah, like Sammy's
the poster boy for maturity.
This is so dumb
but when we were kids,
we used to try to write our
names in the dirt with our pee.
-Wait, so you guys are guys.
-No, no, it gets worse.
One time when Sammy
was like seven,
he somehow got his hands
on a bottle of Flomax,
thinking he could write
his whole name out.
-Does that even work?
-No, no, he just pissed himself
immediately.
Tell me more about this punch
you landed.
Hmm.
It was definitely not my
proudest moment being a brother.
What happened?
Sammy dropped out of school
without telling our parents
and I felt like
they needed to know.
So you told them.
We tried to keep him
from making a big mistake,
and he didn't see it that way.
I would argue that the punch was
out of self-defense, honestly.
Look, I'm just surprised I've
never heard the story before.
He's not in our lives.
He's not in my life
after everything I've tried
to do to keep him in it.
He just totally shuts me out.
I get it.
I mean, you know all that
stuff going on with my mom.
Yeah, I do, but, ah, I mean,
your mom at least came
to our wedding, right?
Where's Sammy been
for the last five years?
He didn't even get
to meet you until this weekend.
Right, and now that
he's here, everything's suddenly
supposed to be okay?
Yeah, but it does seem
like he is trying.
That's the thing.
It's not me that's keeping
him here, it's Emma.
I...
What do you mean?
It just...
It doesn't make any sense?
-How?
-Because Taran Killam
is like 6'1".
-Okay.
-Amanda Bynes is only like 5'7".
Oh, my God, but her grandma
is like 90 years old,
so it doesn't matter?
Oh, I don't care
if she's blind and deaf.
You would know the difference
between Killam and Bynes.
-Not if you're 90.
-And how does the script...
How does the script even getting
to Paul Giamatti's hands?
-Simple. Frankie Muniz gets run
over by Giamatti's limo...
-Hmm.
...and Muniz is in
a rush to get his paper
and so when he gets in the car
and he drops his backpack
in a rush,
he forgets his paper.
-Oh, that is way too easy.
-Okay.
-Sammy.
-Emma.
- Sammy, Sammy.
- Okay, Emma, Emma, Emma.
I'm not saying that
Big Fat Liaris a perfectly
structured script.
But, no, no,
you know what it is.
-But that's...
-It's perfectly
structured script.
-That's what you're saying.
-You're crazy.
But that's what you're saying.
No, hey.
-Oh, my God! I deserved it.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
-Why are you so cool?
I could talk about early 2000s
teen dramas for days.
Yeah, you can.
How are you putting up with me
and my brother so well?
I mean, you guys are siblings,
siblings fight all the time.
Liv and I don't see eye to eye
on anything.
But you guys still get along.
Yeah, but that's because
it's been the two of us
and our mom since forever,
so we figured out a way
to work things out
because women are superior
to men in all ways.
I agree.
How do you not talk
to your brother for five years?
That's crazy.
-Because he's a dick.
-People are dicks.
Just because he's different
from you doesn't make him
a bad person.
-Ah, there he is.
-Wow, look at all this.
-Yeah.
-What's the landing time
on these puppies?
Ah, I'm not gonna lie, mate.
We ran into a little turbulence
with the glaze.
Yeah,
ran out of, uh, teriyaki sauce,
so the Mark had to take a bit
of a detour down to Dijon town,
but don't you worry,
I think the skies are looking
clear for these tasty travelers
to touchdown in grillville
in like five minutes.
Huh? Okay.
Uh, does that mean I can take
them out to the grill?
-Oh, yeah, bro. Go let it rip.
-Cool.
Hey,
we're about to start grilling.
Good, I'm hungry.
-Are you getting out?
-Yeah, yeah.
I'll be out in a minute.
-Are you peeing?
-I am.
You coming in?
Hey, the water's warm.
Look at you in the kitchen.
Do you need some help?
-Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could
always use an extra hand.
-Okay.
Are you any good
at cutting up tomatoes?
I'm only good
at cutting up tomatoes.
-All right, there's one.
-Yeah, here it is.
Where did you learn to cook?
Uh, my dad actually
is an unbelievable chef.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Oh, it's a dream. I'm actually
trying to be a chef.
Well, you're doing good so far.
Are you taking classes
or what are you doing?
Thank you. I am. I am.
I am taking classes
at this place called Good Eats
in the West Loop.
-Have you heard of it?
-Yeah, with Chef Lummy.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I go way back
with Chef Lummy.
How do you know him?
Uh, he was cooking with my dad
when we first moved out here
to the states.
-What?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-That's crazy.
-Actually,
when I was growing up,
my dad had a food truck
and we'd drive around
all the neighborhood festivals
during summer.
How are you not fat or...
I'm kidding.
Well, I do CrossFit.
I do a lot of CrossFit.
- You could tell that.
- Yeah, I could tell, cool.
-How are we doing in here?
-Oh. Uh, good.
-Yeah, we're good.
-Nice. Nice. Looks good.
-Do you guys want some help?
-I think we're good.
Yeah, you don't want too many
cooks in the kitchen, Sammy.
What are you doing?
Get dressed.
We're about to eat, come on.
Dinner's ready, come on.
Get ready.
-That's bullshit.
-How is that bullshit?
Because that's
what everybody does,
they move to the city and
they become a Cubs fan.
-What's wrong with that?
-It's the hip thing to do.
-Okay.
-Well, have some loyalty to
where you're from.
Oh, Sammy, I'm not sure
if you're aware of this,
we actually don't have a
Major League team down under.
That is fair.
And plus we have all our company
outings at Wrigley.
Mm-hm. It's a beautiful stadium.
Oh, yeah, the ivy, the rooftops,
the food, there's so much
history there, Sam.
No, Wrigley can't touch
the spread at Sox Park.
It's the best food in baseball.
Sox Park, Sox Park.
I don't think
that's what it's called.
Isn't it named after like a
second-tier cell phone provider?
Funny, you're funny.
It is not even called
US Cellular Field anymore.
All right, you guys somehow
change it to something worse.
No, no, no,
take it easy on Sam.
I actually think
Guaranteed Rate Field
had a really nice ring to it.
-Guaranteed...
-Oh. Andrew,
you back me up here?
Huh.
Nothing better than
a White Sox game.
Yeah, I mean,
you know, the Cubs are
an exciting young team.
You're kidding.
We've been White Sox fans
forever.
Yeah, but Wrigley
is so much fun, though.
- Yeah, fun.
- Yeah, fun.
'05 was the best year
of my life.
-Oh, that's sad.
-Oh, man, that's...
- That's just sad.
- We were World Series champs.
That was almost 15 years ago,
Sammy.
And I love my boys
and they love me back.
Okay, so why can't other people
have that?
Yeah, why can't I have that love
for the Cubbies.
-Because it's about loyalty,
Mark.
-Okay.
I hate to break it to you,
but the bandwagon, it's full.
It's full of people like you,
you got a job in the city,
you found the team that was
winning and you became a fan
so you got something to do
when you hit happy hour
with your co-workers.
All right, whoa,
whoa, whoa mate.
Foul ball now, I can understand
not liking the team,
but we don't need
the personal attacks.
But it is personal.
I'm not gonna go grab a beer
with a group of Cubs fans.
-Oh, Sammy, that's ridiculous.
-No, it's not.
I don't... I don't wanna
associate with them. I don't
wanna be friends with them.
I wouldn't even fuck
one of them.
-What about Emma?
-Huh?
Why would you...
Why'd you say that?
-Yeah, why would you say that?
-I think...
I think she was just
offering a hypothetical like,
you know, would you have sex
with Emma if you could?
Yeah,
but why specifically Emma?
Yeah, why specifically Emma?
Well, hypothetically,
I'd have sex with her.
Great, cool. Um...
Yeah, I mean,
I'd have hypothetical sex
with her too, though.
That's just so flattering,
now I know that both of you...
Wait, I just don't understand
the reason for the question.
I don't think she meant anything
by it honestly, right, Olivia?
I mean,
why are we avoiding this, right?
-We're not avoiding anything.
-Wait.
Did any actual sex happen here
or not?
Well, Olivia and I,
we had a little bit of sex.
They did have sex, so...
-You know what?
-No. No. No.
-No.
-I'm gonna do it.
-No, no.
-I mean, honestly,
I think you should do it.
-What's he going to do?
-I think I got to do it.
-Sammy.
-What are we doing?
-Yup, we're doing it.
-Take a deep breath.
What do you got?
Emma and I had real sex
last night.
We had intercourse
for a very brief period of time
until my brother and his wife,
who I hadn't even met yet,
they burst in
and they caught us.
They caught us
in some steamy passion.
And, bro, tell me,
is it weird that we're siblings
but we've hooked up
with another pair of siblings?
-Can you not?
-Liv, Liv, I'm sorry.
-I don't know
if you saw my penis.
-I did.
She saw it.
Of course, she did
because it was out the whole
time except for when it was in...
- Sammy.
- Hey, can you stop?
Okay, you're done.
Let's take a seat.
- Yeah, stop.
- Sit down.
I'm so sorry,
I'm an honest guy
and I just thought
you're the only one here
who didn't know that.
-I thought you should know.
-Emma, what's he talking about.
I don't know.
Why did you do this?
Mm?
- Why are you doing this?
- Who's talking?
Oh, we're so sorry, Mark.
Mate, with all due respect,
I could put you through
a fucking wall if you want.
But why would you,
because I was barely in...
Hey. You're making this
so much worse right now.
All right, listen, Mark,
we're really sorry about this
and you seem like a great guy.
Such a loyal Cubs fan.
Son of a bitch,
you want to go,
you curly-headed cunt?
Okay, hey. Hey, hey, let's,
let's open presents now.
Hmm? Let's do that.
I want to open my goddamn gifts.
I'll get them.
All right,
are we, uh, ready to start?
Yeah, sorry, we didn't
get you anything, Sammy.
We weren't expecting you.
Babe, this one's from me.
All right, what'd you...
What'd you do here? Ah!
Hey, this is great.
Oh, look at this.
Yeah, it's a very nice polo,
mate.
- It's a good color.
- Oh, so much golf.
-What was that, Sammy?
-It's a great gift, Olivia.
-Thank you so much.
-Thanks, babe.
You're welcome.
Mark, do you want to go next?
No, mate, it's fine.
Just open mine later.
-Is this yours? I got it.
-No, please don't, it's cool.
-Just do it later, mate.
-No, it's fine.
What's the big deal?
Oh, what'd you get?
What'd you get?
That's great, Mark,
thank you so much.
- Well, what is...
-That's great, thanks, man.
Who's next?
-Well, babe, what is it?
-Oh, it's just a personal...
- It's just a thing.
- Yeah.
- Personal...
- Inside thing...
- Between us.
- Yeah.
-Is it a secret?
-No, it's not a secret,
it's just...
-It's a paperweight.
-Oh.
Oh. Let's see it.
Yeah, how will it go
with your desk?
-It's not, it's...
-Sure, let's open it.
Just show us.
- Oh.
- What is it?
-It's a... Yeah.
-What is that shape?
-It's Wrigley Field.
-What?
-What?
-Wrigley fucking Field.
Wow.
But that'll go great with
holding down the papers at work.
I'm sorry, mate.
Where do you work again?
Where was it, uh, Cinnabon?
I work at a bounce house rental,
Mark.
Wait, what? Mom said you were
working at a catering company.
Nope,
left that job a few months ago.
-Why, what happened?
-I don't know, I didn't like it.
Well, you were never one
for commitment, were you?
Uh, why don't you open my, um...
Oh, Emma, you didn't have
to get me anything.
- It's really not a big deal.
It's just.
-Oh, let's see here.
Ah, heh, how appropriate.
- Never have too many of these.
- Very practical.
So, Sammy, tell me, mate.
How do you sustain yourself,
let alone, you know,
a one-night stand,
a girlfriend, a fuck,
living off hourly wage
from a fucking children's store?
Come on, Mark.
No, because I've been thinking,
right, you've got to be making
$11.50 an hour.
Guess I should hang out
with more businessmen who cook.
No, no, mate. You don't want
to change up that lifestyle
of yours from hanging out
with high school burnouts
at your fucking dead-end job.
Okay, not everyone has made
the same decisions as you.
And I'm not gonna complain
about where I'm at.
But if you hadn't dropped out...
It's not about that.
It is though
because, I mean, you've, heh...
you've got limited options.
There are different paths
to take.
That's right because
some of us take the right path
and I guess others just sort
of take the wrong one.
Well, thank God, I didn't take
the same fucking path as you.
Oh, yeah, thank God,
I'm not a fucking loser.
Fuck you, Mark.
Fuck you.
You see, that...
that's your problem.
You think of everything
as winning or losing.
You think...
You think because I don't have
like a basic office job,
you're better than me.
Just because I don't work
a nine to five doesn't mean that
I can't be happy.
And, yeah, yeah, I dropped out
of ASU, big fucking deal.
It takes balls to do that,
to look at something so clearly
and know that it's not for you.
Knowing... knowing full well
that everyone else
is gonna stick around
because that's what
you're told to do
and I'm gonna sit here while
you ask me what my job title is?
As if that's gonna like tell you
who the fuck I am.
No, no, I'm over that.
You wanna know
why we don't talk anymore
because we are completely
different people
and you... you still think you
know what's best for me.
I have never asked you
for anything, ever.
I haven't needed you
in five years,
I don't need you now.
Happy birthday, bro.
You didn't have to push him,
Liv.
Well, it needed to come out.
I didn't think you guys
would attack him.
We were just playing around.
Really, because
none of that felt playful.
-I mean, why... What...
-Are you defending him still?
He's been a dick ever
since I got here.
-Not enough to deserve that.
-Are you kidding me.
Oh, really,
because he fucked your sister.
-Hey.
-What's wrong with that?
I can fuck whoever I want, Mark.
Emma, you were brought here
to be set up with me,
but instead you fucked
some loser the night before.
I don't think you're even
seeing this straight.
No, I don't think
you're seeing this straight.
I'm not a piece of property,
Mark.
You don't have the right to me
and for the record, I am so far
out of your fucking league
that you would have no idea
what to do with me.
- Do you hear me?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mark, I think
it's time for you to go.
Are you kicking me out?
Yeah, all right, princess.
Princess? What the fuck
happened to you, huh?
I'm kicking you out
while you got a shred
of dignity left, yes.
Get the fuck out of here.
Why, are you serious?
Yeah, I'm fucking serious,
get out of my house.
Fine. You know what,
good luck, Emma.
I'm sure you're gonna have
a blast living in a fucking
inflatable house with Sammy.
Living together, what the fuck
did you think this weekend is?
-You're psychotic.
-Okay, I'm a psycho.
-How's this for psycho?
Mmm, Sammy.
-Get out.
Sweet throw.
This cake blows.
He's a cool friend.
You forgot it was my birthday?
What about, uh...
What about Percy and Mo?
You still...
You still talk to them?
And tell your sister
and her friends.
No, no, no, you told me
you love me, I never said that.
Did I? Like we used to,
it's gonna be fun.
Come on, it's my birthday.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
I'm glad you stood up to him.
But all this could have
been avoided if you just
didn't sleep with Sammy.
Liv.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
You... you egged him
on the whole time
and this could have been avoided
if you didn't try to construct
the perfect weekend
and force me to like Mark.
I'm just saying
if you made a better choice,
I wouldn't be cleaning
a birthday cake off the shirt
I bought Andrew.
- A better choice.
- Yeah.
A better choi...
Yeah, you picked
a real fucking winner.
You know what, will you stop...
Will you just please stop trying
to control every aspect
of my life?
- I don't do that, Emma.
- Yes, you do.
Work, how I take care of mom,
the guys that I date,
I could go on.
Look, you put other people
first every single time,
I'm just trying to make sure
you don't get hurt, that's it.
Okay, well, I don't need you
to protect me, thanks.
I'll get it. Ahem.
What if it's Mark?
If it's Mark, I'm gonna shove
that paperweight up his ass.
-Can I help you?
-We're here for the party.
You must have the wrong house,
check with the neighbors.
Where's Sammy?
- You guys know Sammy?
- Yeah.
Yeah,
we went to school with him.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
How many more people
are coming here?
Man, look, do we got
no ? Let us in.
- Yo.
- There you are.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Come on in, yes,
make yourself at home.
Why not?
Oh, guys,
you have to say hi to Emma.
Emma, please meet everyone.
-Hello, Emma.
-Hi.
She's very important to me.
You just want
to get out of here?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm ready to go.
-Should we tell them?
No, let's get our shit and go.
Oh, you know what, guys,
can you give me just one second?
-What's up?
-What's up?
- I mean...
- -Why don't you tell us what's up?
Oh, well,
it was pretty awful in here,
so I decided to invite
some old ASU friends over.
You didn't want to run that
by us?
Well, I thought we were...
We were worrying
about ourselves,
you know, like you said,
you do your thing, I do mine.
- Do we have to leave?
- -Yeah, this is really awkward.
No, 'cause then they're gonna
see us walk right by them.
Yo, you guys, if you want to
just make yourselves at home,
you know the drill,
you've been here many times.
Thank God, all right,
you don't have to tell me twice.
Raid the fridge, do the thing.
Parents are gone.
- Hmm.
- Real cute.
-Yeah.
-People came over to party.
So, Emma and I,
we're gonna have a good time,
right?
-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah,
that sounds about right.
What,
that I want to enjoy myself?
Classic Emma.
All right, then,
we're gonna leave.
Oh, you're gonna go?
Well, you should drive safe.
-Buckle up.
-Click it or ticket.
Okay, let's go. Just...
-I don't know, family drama.
-I don't know, heh.
-Okay, question.
-Yeah.
-Where's Mark?
-Oh, he left for the night.
-Mark left?
-Yeah, he's gone.
-That's a bummer.
-Mm-Hm.
I was really rooting
for you two.
Oh, were you?
You were really rooting for us?
You guys had a thing
in the kitchen I saw.
-Oh. It was hot.
-It was hot.
-Mm-Hm.
-Turned me on.
I'm sorry that
he was such a dick to you.
That sucks.
Yeah, but you know what,
people can be dicks.
Someone really wise
once told me that.
-Oh, guess what?
-What?
I threw the cake at his face.
-No, you didn't.
-Yeah, I did.
-You threw the cake...
-I threw the cake at his face.
You threw the double
thumbs cake at his face,
you double thumbed him.
-Yeah, I guess, heh.
-Can you just...
-Please come meet my friends.
-Should we go drink?
- Okay. Let's go.
- I want you to meet my
friends.
- Guys...
- Can we please drink?
Do you guys want to
shotgun a beer?
- Yes, for the love of God.
- All right.
Give me something.
Hello, Mr. Russo.
Yeah, I'm still here.
So it turns out that
we're actually all booked up
for the night.
Wow, explain that.
Well, there's a
big golf tournament in town
this weekend.
- You're a motel.
- I'm aware of that.
If you want to hold
for a sec, I'll get you the
number to another motel and...
No, no, no, no.
Sir, you do realize
it's not me causing
this problem.
Yes, it is you.
Okay, Mr. Russo,
have a great night.
Oh, you think that you...
Hello?
-How'd it go?
-Not well.
- Oh, my God!
- Watch your step.
- Oh, my God!
- Watch your step, watch your step.
Where are you taking me?
Dude, can you just trust me
for like five seconds?
I don't know.
I don't know if I can.
-Five seconds of your life.
-Okay, wait.
Wait, wait, you ready?
Ready, ready, turn.
-No, I'm not.
-Turn, turn, turn.
-I'm nervous, okay.
-All right, we are here.
-Okay, okay.
-Open your eyes.
-Come on.
-No, fucking, way?
-Sir Bounce A Lot delivers.
-You're the real
Sir Bounce A Lot.
-Can we go in?
-Wait, shoes off.
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Shoes off.
She does not need...
She doesn't need, no.
She does not need
to ask anyone for approval.
But as an older sister,
you... you...
It's hard to watch
your younger sibling grow up.
It's not easy.
Yeah, but as a younger sibling,
like, I feel like you always
have to try to earn your respect
and the only way we can do
that is if we make our own way.
Emma, you have
to make your own way.
Yeah, but we've also been
through it, so we try to steer
you in the right direction.
To making your own way..
-I'm gonna cheers to that.
-All right, let's make
our own way, guys, together.
-Okay.
-To making your own way.
-Team.
-Are we're gonna do
a one, two, three?
-I don't know how to...
-Just got weird.
It got weird. It got weird.
-Are we really this lame?
-I'd like to think we are not.
We just spent 20 minutes
fighting over a room in a motel.
What happened to us
this weekend?
I'll tell you what happened
to us, our little siblings
had sex with each other.
That's what happened to us.
Now they completely took
over the house with the party.
-Does sound kind of fun, though.
-What?
-I'm not giving in.
-Yeah, you are.
Come on, let's go get a beer.
Better yet, why don't you bring
a couple beers back here?
Come on, no,
it is your 30th birthday.
Our little siblings
are in there outdrinking us.
I used to drink Sammy under
the table in this very house.
Okay, then, come on.
We're not gonna let
them outdo us.
All right,
but I'm smuggling beers
right back to this room.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- She broke up with me.
- She broke up with you?
-She broke your heart, huh?
-Yeah.
-How you feeling?
-I feel good.
What? Heh.
- We just are on the same wavelength.
- -Always.
-Oh, I thought you two left.
-I'm gonna grab a beer.
I... I think we're gonna stay.
- You're gonna stay.
- Yeah.
Well,
then you should sit with us.
-You sure?
-Come on. Sit down.
-You want to know, Sam?
-What?
-She stayed
because she seen my goatee.
-That's bullshit.
-Did you get a drink?
-Not yet.
-I'm sorry.
-For what?
Well, I won't be setting you up
with any more guys anytime soon.
- That's for sure.
- Oh, my God!
Mark, are you serious?
Listen, he seemed...
He's different at work.
-Yeah, so he's cute.
-And he makes a lot of money.
Okay, yeah.
I haven't been
a good big sister.
No, look, all I...
All I want is your respect.
That's all I want
and for you to acknowledge what
I've been able to do on my own.
No, you're right.
Honestly... I mean,
you've been killing it.
You basically take care of mom
while I completely avoid her.
Yeah,
I appreciate you saying that.
Look, you know,
I just want the best for you
and I'm sorry if I get
a little cuckoo sometimes.
-You get cuckoo.
-You know me, I overdo it.
-I've always been that way.
-No, I'm lucky to have you.
-I love you.
-My big sister
that's smaller than me.
-Yeah, why are you
so much taller than me?
-I don't know.
-It's not fair, honestly.
-What was mom doing?
Sammy, do you hate me?
No, Liv, I don't hate you.
To be honest, I thought...
I thought, Mark would've found
out a lot sooner.
You're a good kid.
I'm just glad that
the four of us can all hang
on your birthdays.
-Oh, you're joining us too.
-No, I just, uh,
came for a beer.
I'm gonna head back
to the room actually.
-One beer.
-Yeah.
It's an adult birthday.
Wait, it's your birthday too?
Oh, yeah,
that's my older brother Andrew.
Y'all got the same birthday
but y'all ain't twins.
That's right.
Damn, so y'all parents
must fuck once a year
on the same day.
Never thought of it like that
but, yeah, suppose so.
Makes sense.
-Where they at right now?
-Italy for a month.
That's where they fuck.
-Okay.
-Heh.
He got Ros and a cake,
look at him.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- -Are you kidding me?
Look, before you say anything,
I've actually come to apologize.
Really, why don't you save it,
all right?
It's bad enough
I have to see you at the office
on Monday.
I know, right,
I went full crocodile hunter
on your cake.
I haven't done that in years
and I feel terrible.
I don't know what got into me.
Mark, what are you doing here?
Well, look,
after you threw me out
and I mean, rightfully so,
I wound up at a bar
down the end of the street
and ended up sitting
next to this local rider
with a big fucking beard
and before I said anything
to him, he turns around at me
and he goes, "Mark, you've gotta
atone for your misdeeds."
Damn, who you got drinks with,
Dumbledore?
- I wish.
- He was the greatest headmaster Hogwarts had Hufflepuff,
so I couldn't...
-I don't know.
-Okay.
What do you... What does
this have to do with anything?
Look, this potential Dumbledore,
he grabbed my hands
and he looked in my eyes
and for a moment
it felt like he was like really
looking into my soul
and he goes,
"Look, it's never too late
to admit when you're wrong."
Maybe this is just the buttery
Ros with its wild berry
after tones talking.
What is your...
-What the fuck do you want,
Mark?
-What is happening?
I don't have anywhere else
to go.
All the motels are booked
so I staggered back here.
I'm shit-faced.
I stopped
and I got you an apology cake
because I, you know,
fucked yours up.
And I just...
I don't have any friends.
I've never really
had any friends and I just...
I'd like friends,
but I do shit like today...
...and, Emma,
what I said to you was wrong.
It was... it was sexist,
it was misogynistic and I...
I know we're not cool,
but I'd want to be cool.
All right, listen, Mark,
there's room on the couch
I guess, if you need to stay.
Yeah, I mean, that'd be...
that'd be cool.
Okay, just give me the cake.
You're just like
waving it around.
And do me a favor,
don't annoy anyone, all right?
-Just keep it together, please.
-Yeah, thanks.
What flavor is this?
It's, uh, buttermilk frosting
with, uh, rainbow inside.
It's...
I've had it before
when I was upset.
Mm. All right, hold it in,
hold it in.
You're so pretty
when you smoke.
Oh, it's been a while.
- Hi.
- Babe, come here.
-Hey.
-Come here, sit.
-Want some of this?
-What are you doing?
-Just having fun with the kids.
-Oh, my gosh!
How was Sammy
as a roommate?
Oh. Sammy was the best,
I mean, well, he would use
my toothbrush sometimes
and then he'd say it was
bringing us closer together.
I had a pretty shitty time
transitioning to college,
but Sammy
was always there for me.
He actually made an effort
to get to know me.
Those people
are hard to come by.
Yeah.
And you guys didn't try
to stop him from dropping out?
No, I mean, it's... it's Sammy,
he doesn't half-ass shit.
He made up his mind
and then he just kind of
stuck to it.
Yeah, it wasn't even a thought
and he's always supported us,
so that's what
we're gonna do for him.
Hmm.
But that's like...
that's like the only thing...
-9-5 job.
-Job is to me...
is like everything.
-I'd say a job's
pretty important.
-No.
-Well, it is.
-Hey, guys, I'm gonna turn in.
-What?
-All right, babe.
I think you should stay out
but whatever you want to do.
No, it's all good.
I just... It's been a long day.
Um, I'll see you in there.
-Yo, Andrew, rate my dive.
-What?
Big fish flopping in.
Cool. Good job, Mark.
It's good to see you, fuckers.
- Sammy.
- Yes.
Boys are back in town.
Uh, guys, where's Mark?
-Didn't he go back inside?
-No, he just jumped in.
Where... where did he go?
-Where'd who go, babe?
-Mark, he... he...
- What?
- He really just... He just...
He was right here. I think...
I think you're sitting on Mark,
Sammy.
-What does that even mean?
-He's under the raft, man.
No, he's not.
It's not that big of a pool,
I don't know how...
Well, then, fuck,
jump in and save him.
No, me, I'm fully...
That's gonna be so much...
You're already in the pool,
why don't you go get him?
-What?
-I don't...
Are you sure?
I don't see him.
Okay, someone just get off
the raft and find Mark.
Goddammit!
All right, I will save Mark.
Please.
Oh, shit, he's drowning.
Sammy, come on.
-Oh, shit,
he's under the freaking raft.
-Oh, my God!
- I got him.
- Okay, hey.
Come on, come on.
Bring him to the side.
Bring him...
Bring him to the side.
Come on. I got him.
Fuck. Mark. Mark.
Mark, wake up. Mark.
He's not moving,
what do we do?
Give him out mouth to mouth.
I don't know.
- No, you do it.
- Save his life, damn it.
- Sammy, come on.
- He's your friend.
- Why does it...
Why me?
-Just do something, man.
Oh, God. Mark.
It's in my mouth.
You okay?
Mark, you all right?
- Yeah.
- God.
- He's fine.
- He's good.
-Okay.
-He's all right.
He's all right.
So, um, one more time,
your drink of choice was Ros?
I mean, I don't see how
that's relevant, but, yeah.
And the...
And then the cake that
hit you in the face, that was...
-What was the flavor of that?
-All right, Thompson, ease up.
Okay? Look at the guy.
He's had a terrible night,
he's quivering.
-He doesn't look good.
-How's your lolly, sir?
What is that, sour apple?
-What's that good for you?
-Yeah, it's amazing.
- Good, okay.
- First responders are here.
Who invited the, uh, second line
of defense?
- Easy, chief.
- We're first responders.
Yeah, and you boys
are 10 minutes late.
This sweet man over here
would have drowned
if it weren't for us.
Walton, I swear that's about
enough out of that mouth...
Hey, Ponds.
Let's keep it professional, huh.
- She makes me so mad.
- Everything all right?
-Is one of you in charge?
-Well, this guy.
How's it going, guys?
We're responding to a 10-16 call
we received about a drowning.
- And we have it covered.
- Okay.
I'm calling a sidebar. 10-4.
What the hell is a sidebar?
Thompson, shall we step aside
to have a discussion, okay?
All right, look.
We need this, all right, medics?
Let's get on the same page here,
huh?
Yeah, you guys, news travels
really fast in a small town
and we just don't get
many opportunities like this.
We cannot risk
looking unprofessional.
-Not again.
-Well, then let us do our job.
Yeah.
I don't know,
what do you say, boss?
I don't even know, boys.
Yeah, I don't know.
We literally just have to take
this man to the hospital.
Take him to the hospital,
that's a bold call, Walton.
But I like it.
Uh...
All right, we're all clear here,
everyone can disperse,
go home safely.
You fellas,
have yourself a good night.
Just tighten it up here.
-I'm going to sleep.
I'll see you in the morning.
-For sure.
-Still awake?
-Yeah.
9th green?
So this weekend went well.
Oh, man.
-It's right here, right?
-Yeah?
I still can't believe
you're married, ugh, and that I
had sex with your wife's sister.
Okay.
-Seriously, I missed a lot.
Yeah, you did.
-Didn't have to though.
-Yeah.
Oh, after what happened...
I felt like the entire family
thought I was a failure
and then every time you
tried to make it better,
it just felt like
we drifted further apart.
It was like you, you...
You took it personally that
I was doing something
differently than you.
Yeah. Yeah, and then...
And then, I'm hearing from mom
how well you're doing,
knowing that I'm always going
to be labeled the dropout.
I think I was scared
to face that.
And then, when you... you...
You called me out in front
of everybody on Christmas.
You know, it did...
It just felt like you didn't
respect my opinion.
You didn't respect my choice.
That's why I tackled you
into the tree.
Man, I really wish
you would have opened up
to me about that before.
I didn't know
that you felt like that.
Well, I did it.
It fucking hurt.
Well, you know,
it hurt me too, man, you weren't
the only one isolated.
I mean, it's...
It sucks that
you're not in my life.
Don't you think that I...
I want to know
how you're doing?
Don't you think it's...
it's painful
-that I got to find out about
you through mom and dad?
-Yeah, yeah.
Don't you think that
I wanted you to be my best man
at my wedding?
Yeah, you're right.
You're right, man,
I fucked up.
I fucked up.
But I don't... I don't regret
the choices I made.
But I do... I do regret what
it did to our relationship
and I'm sorry.
Look, we both did this,
you know.
But we can change it now.
All right? Uh, you make
decisions and you stand
behind them.
I'm done getting on you
for that.
-Yeah.
-I can't... I can't even...
Uh, I can't even make a decision
without worrying about
what could go wrong.
I can't.
But you make choices
that are good for you.
-That's...
-You do, man.
I'm telling you,
seeing you and Liv this weekend,
holy shit, did I realize that.
You got an awesome life.
You got a great partner,
a stable job.
I love my wife to death,
I really do
and I like what I do.
Yeah, then what are you
so worried about?
I'm just worried that
the rug's gonna get pulled out
from underneath.
There is no rug.
There's no rug, man,
you're there.
You worked hard for it.
Now you get to share that
with Liv.
Hmm.
You know we want to share it
with you too.
Then could we just not let
this happen again?
It won't.
Let's never fucking hit
each other again.
No tree dives.
I miss you so much, man.
- I miss you, man.
- I miss you so much.
All right, get off me,
there's something
we still got to do.
-Never got a chance
to open this.
-Oh, wow.
Right now
is a great time for that.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
-You've got to be kidding me.
-Yep.
-Where'd you even get this?
-Oh, I grabbed it
at the grocery store.
Wow, well...
-What are you doing?
-What do you think I'm doing?
-We're taking it, come on.
-All right.
Hey, I never got
to, uh, say happy birthday.
Thanks, big bro, you too.
There's so much flow.
-All right, that's all of it.
-It's everything.
So we'll see you
in a couple weeks?
-I will be there.
-All right.
-Bye, Liv.
-Be good.
I will try.
Big bro, drive safe.
Will do.
-See you soon.
-Yup, see you soon.
-Yep. It's hot.
-It hurts.
So you got a plane
to catch.
Yeah, I love a good
mile-high hangover.
-Yeah, that'll be a lot of fun.
-Yeah.
Are you coming with?
No, no,
my flight's not until later
and I literally have not slept.
-That's rough.
-Yeah.
-So I'm gonna do that.
-Cool.
Super, super cool indeed.
Yeah. Am I gonna
see you again or...
Yeah, yeah.
So I care about you a lot
and I think
you are super awesome.
I think you're...
You're so kind and, fine,
you're way smarter than me.
It's a fact. Heh.
I don't really know
what protocol is here
because I never do this,
but I think, uh, I would like
to see you again.
Is there a way
we can make that happen?
Uh...
They have these things
called cell phones.
I think they invented them
like a few years back.
- Cell phones?
- Cell phones, cell phones.
-Is that?
-Yeah, they're like this good.
-Yeah, yeah, go farther.
-Oh, I don't know.
- So dramatic to the end, heh.
- All right.
Well, you know...
I already pissed them off enough
so you should probably go.
Get in the car.
They're super patient,
this is good.
Bye, Emma.
By, Sir Bounce A Lot, heh.
-You remembered.
-The privilege was mine.
-Yeah, I'm sure it was.
-Yeah.
I will see you
at our next family function.
-Please never say that again.
-We're family.
-We're not family.
-Keeping it in the family.
-We could be family, one day.
-We already are.
-Oh.
-Okay, let go.