7 seX 7 (2011) Movie Script
Film by Irena koric
Cast
Director of photography
Editor
Original Music by
Screenwriter and director
Anything there?
Can you see anything?
A snowstorm.
- In the film?
- On the bloody screen!
Fucking analogue.
Why's it so bent?
- A swan.
- What bloody swan!
A black one. Fucking sits on the
antenna, heavier than a turkey.
- From Zagorje?
- Zagorje?
The turkey.
- Why don't you take it down?
- What?
The swan. With an airgun.
Because it's protected.
It's got a bullet-proof vest?
It's protected by law, dummy.
It's from the zoo.
So why isn't it there, then?
What the fuck
it's doing on your roof?
I'll freeze my pussy off.
Because of the porno.
First of all - it isn't a porno.
Then what?
It's erotic.
What's the difference?
In penetration.
Is that something political,
that 'penetration'?
It was on the News.
Fuck your High School diploma.
And what does this belong to?
To pneumonia.
I don't fucking believe it!
Don't fucking believe it!
Believe what?
The cold's made them harder
than when I'm horny!
That discovery's
worth a Nobel Prize!
That's why they rub ice on the
boobs in porn flicks.
What about the guys?
Who the fuck looks
at the guy's boobs??!
I mean if they rub it
with ice to stiffen it up.
Where're you going?
To jump off the roof.
Wanna check if
the picture's better first?
Only you and those Partisans
on the third floor...
What?
Have analogue. Why...
'Cause I'm not giving
Fuck the corporate capitalists!
Stop shouting, they'll hear you.
That's a Telecom antenna there!
It's not a fucking
listening device.
What do you know?
You haven't a clue about this
antenna, let alone that big one.
Can't you copy it
somewhere else?
Like where?
In the Archives.
The archives?!
The Croatian Archives.
Or get it from Internet.
I downloaded Emmanuelle 3,
and it fucking cost me
as if I'd had her live.
And VHS on eBay?
of the auction, plus customs.
By the end it costs
you up to a grand!
How come so much?!
If you copy it direct on VHS.
Copied on VHS from DVD or
something, it's not worth a toss.
That's why I've got to copy it
this evening. Get it?
No.
Only we get it.
Who's 'we'?
Us from WEMBFTC.
What the fuck's that?
The World Emmanuelle
Boys First Time Club.
A secret brotherhood of boys
who had their first wank
with Emmanuelle on VHS.
You're total idiots.
What about Torrent?
I don't want fucking Torrent and
fucking DIVX. I want it on VHS.
DVDs last only 5 years, but VHS
cassettes last at least 30.
But will your player still be
working in 30 years?
Sure.
If you're thinking
of turning me on that way...
No, I'm not.
Then why are you doing it?
To see which way
the wind's blowing.
The wind's got nothing
to do with the signal.
It has with pissing.
I don't want to piss on my legs.
What?!
Why don't you go to the loo?
- Do you want to show me?
- Go down into the flat.
I won't make it.
What if the roof leaks?
Why would it leak?
'Cause it's fucking thin!
Socialist construction!
At least your neighbours
won't bother you!
It's not going to leak on them!
So it's okay if it leaks on me?
Fucking turn-on!
Lying on my couch and it drips
from the ceiling into my eye!
You've got no imagination!
No bloody imagination!
Analogue asshole.
- What?!
- You heard what I said.
I think someone's looking
at me from that roof.
With binoculars.
It's the guy from the zoo.
He's not looking at you but the
swan's probably gone off again.
I'm not so sure.
You know what he's doing now?
What?
He's gone behind the chimney
to have a wank.
When you're ready,
can you hold the antenna?
Yes, I can.
And I can stick it up your ass.
Maybe we'll get a signal.
Why are you so fucking rude?
Because that guy gets a hard on
for me from a kilometre away,
and you don't from
just two metres.
Gloria, you don't get it.
I now have a greater purpose.
Us guys are a species
that sometimes have a mission.
And there are two types of
chicks, those who understand
the male mission
and those who don't.
Got it.
Maybe that voyeur's
had a heart attack.
You know, I have to
tell you something.
I lied.
The picture
downstairs is perfect.
Stop it. You said it
was just a tryout.
I need to fix my make-up.
Has anyone told you
how irritating you are?
And without a digital camera?!
You're a lousy actor.
So how are you
going to photoshop it?
I'm not.
Don't shit me.
You've got beautiful eyes.
You've got a good lens.
You've got good legs.
- Eh, you know what?
- What?
I've just remembered something.
You have a memory?
In Film History,
we learned that actors
were lit with as many lights
as possible.
Since when do actors
learn about film history?!
Bette Davis, hellooo?
Oh, so you've heard about films
from before the digital era?
More lights, baby!
More lights!
This is for an exhibition.
And where's the fan?
This is fucking art.
Fuck the fan, for fuck's sake.
Hey, unbutton your blouse.
No nudity.
And you used to say:
Anything for Art.
Okay then, I can do it in a bra.
You won't be naked.
You mean, I can get dressed?
No, you'll have some sellotape.
What, black sellotape?
That's it... Black crosses.
Are you sniffing again?
Sod off. I haven't got
the money for that.
I know, the soaps
have fucked you over.
So says the queen of soaps.
Just one more
and I'll be a movie star.
So... the crosses?
Huh?!
Haven't you heard of Vogue?
Course I have.
Wait...
Come here.
So, what do you say?
If this dumb bitch
can do it, so can I...
That's good one.
Yes.
That's great.
Yes.
Can you lie down so I get you
from another angle?
Hang on, move off!
You're texting on set?!
You've ruined my hair!
I've got more black
tape if you need it.
- I've got to go!
- What?!
Gotta go!
I'll take you with a Polaroid
to punish you.
I said I didn't want analogue.
What's so urgent that you can't
tell me over the phone?
I'm up to my neck in shit.
I love your new flat.
Minimalism.
It's not mine. I'm renting it,
until the bitch leaves my flat.
Josip?
What Josip?!
The troll from the gas board.
You introduced
him to me as your bitch.
He's no longer my bitch,
but someone else's.
He'll never read my meter again.
They can send
someone else for all I care.
You've got a dog?
Are you crazy?!
I faint at 'Lassie Come Home'.
So who's the bitch, then?
Katica Bergen. An interior desi-
gner. She's designing my flat.
The bitch treats me like
she's paying me and not me her.
So what's so urgent?
The deadline's in half an hour.
For what?
For my career.
Pixie!
So what?!
It was my first title role!
What title role? You were
Pixie in 'Dixie's home'.
So bloody what! Is a streetcar
the lead in
'A Streetcar Named Desire'?!
What about the casting
for that Macedonian relish?
You mixed it up.
I got hooked on that relish
when I was visiting Skopje.
But this was for Samobor relish.
I was on the short list until
I threw up over the director.
At the end of the ad, I had to
put a spoonful of that shit
into my gob.
And that ad for beer?
No beer gut... no points.
Milk?
Lost it to
a balding family-type.
Cat food?
I'm allergic to hairs.
Mobile phones?
They go for cool kids.
Sorry, I can't lend you
any money.
The bitch skinned me alive
and I'm in the red.
I've flunked all the ads,
so if I can't get a part
as befits a qualified actor,
I'll have to do
what's beneath my dignity.
As my granddad would say:
'Beggars can't be choosers.'
And that is...?
Theatre. Casting in the theatre.
I get you.
You really have
gone to the dogs.
The director is gay.
And?
Well... Maybe I'll have a
chance... If I hit on him.
But you're not gay.
And I'm no Pixie,
but I won second prize
at the regional competition
at Koprivnica!
It's not the same.
Being gay isn't a role.
You don't act it!
You live it,
for fuck's sake!
So when Shakespeare says
that all the world's a stage
and we are all players,
you reckon that's bullshit?
What are you trying to say?
I'm trying to say I want you to
teach me how to be gay.
How to be gay?
That's it. You've got
half an hour.
Half an hour?!
The shortest book on that
runs to 433 pages!
But I'm not looking for
a doctorate!
Just give me
one or two tricks I can try...
...clothes, make-up, design...
so he sees we have
the same DNA.
Okay.
Number 1. Elle decor?
I know that, they've got
the best chicks there.
Not chicks. Furniture.
The best furniture.
I get it.
You see that armchair there...
It's Fucci.
Old Jozo on the third
floor's got one like that.
I doubt it.
Mention Alexander
McQueen in passing.
Say you're still in
shock after his death.
Ask him if he'd like to go to a
vintage shop with you afterwards
What's a vintage shop?
It's like a second hand shop
but with good stuff.
Like a 1990
Vintage Diesel jacket.
Oh, I know, there's
one near the theatre.
Wear a tight tee-shirt
to show off your torso.
Or a fitted shirt.
White or pink?
White.
Great, I've got an American
Apparel with a V neck
from when Pixie
appeared in Garenica.
Come here.
Vitra...
It's on show at the Pompidou
Centre. 300 euros.
What?
Can you remember that?
Don't tell me that these 2 bits
of wire with coloured balls...
Should I think about a career
designing clothes hangers?
Give me a break.
See what I'm taking to him,
to sweeten him up.
You're thinking of giving him
a box of chocolates?
What's wrong with chocolates?
I don't get you. Are you after
a nurse or a director?
...or an old bag
at the land registry?
It's all I can afford.
You just need some Ralon
to complete the sorry picture.
My dad's still on Ralon.
Walk.
You're walking like a fag.
Isn't that the point?
No. Gays don't walk like fags.
Then how?
You're walking normally.
I'm walking like a gay.
I don't see the difference.
Think of a chick
in front of a caf...
How about Renata? The one
with boobs like an oil platform.
You're walking by,
you know she's looking,
and you pretend
you don't see her...
Are you sick?
I'm concentrating!
I'm an ACTOR.
Is it OK? Huh? Is it OK?
Yes, but...
Shall I, when I go on stage,
shove it from left to right...
Phooey. That's gross. Phooey.
OK. I'm listening.
The walk's really good.
But now, do the same...
but without Renata
and her platform.
What do you mean?
Imagine that
the director is Renata.
Him, Renata?!
But he's like a lizard
from the Galapagos Islands!
Then forget the walk. He'll know
you're walking for a platform
and not the Galapagos.
How the fuck will
he know what's in my mind?
We gays just know it.
'You gays'.
Are you supermen?
Should the rest
of us feel inferior?
Yes, you should.
For example,
in Plato's Feast...
Don't try bloody
Plato's Feast on me.
I got top marks in that
from Professor Vratovic!
OK. Walk how you like and
think about whoever you like.
Cool it, man.
I'll think of the Galapagos,
and I'll walk like
I'm thinking of Renata.
I'm an ACTOR.
It's my MISSION.
And what if, as if by accident,
I remove a lock of hair
from his face?
He's got hair?
No.
What's that perfume?
You're asking... him? Or me?
Got you, didn't I? You don't
know if it's acting or for real.
That's Stanislavski, man!
Total immersion!
FYI, the prompter's dog
went berserk at Pixie!
He really thought
I was a German shepherd!
Nina Ricci...
Is she the skirt
from the canteen?
The perfume...
You asked about the perfume.
And this...?
Do I need to ask...?
Is my beard rough?
A little.
But I like it.
I've got Plato's Feast
on my bedside table.
Me too.
Which edition?
Nolit, Belgrade.
Nolit, Belgrade. 63'.
You know what...
What?
I think you'll get the part.
You're totally convincing.
You know what...
What?
I've already got the part.
Fuck...
It took the director
two minutes to see it.
And it's taken you two years...
Sorry.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Hana.
Hey.
Marko.
What?
I'm Marko.
Yes, yes, I know.
We've never been
officially introduced.
Marko. Marko from the office.
Oh, sorry, yes.
Hana.
Are you looking for
anything special?
Not really.
A birthday present.
For your boyfriend?
For a friend.
Then you're in the right place.
I recommend the 80s.
There's a revival.
Huh?
I'm not so sure.
She's a ballet dancer.
Then...
...not.
Is this better?
You're often here, ha?
A-ha. Every week.
This was in that film,
wasn't it?
In the sex scene?
A-ha.
I really fancy that actor.
You know,
you look a bit like him.
And you're like Nicole.
Red hair, blue eyes.
But much better.
I read the other day that
she always wears garters.
Even when she goes shopping.
Really? You're joking.
Marko?
Yes?
I have to tell you something...
Hey. I've got to pick up my kid
from his Japanese lesson.
Here are the keys.
Look after the shop, will you?
Okay, no problem.
And don't let those kids in. Last
time thay nicked half the stuff.
Allright.
Bye.
Say something in Czech.
Ahoj.
Say something else.
Knedlicke.
Put some music on.
Say something else.
I don't know anything else.
Don't ladder my stocking.
What do you mean... you don't
know anything. Aren't you Czech?
Nope, Hungarian.
They told me at work that your
mother and grandmother are Czech
Nope, Hungarian.
A-ha, Hungarian.
So what's wrong with that?
I want a Czech.
What now?
Nothing.
How nothing? Are you crazy?!
Take your pants off!
I can't. It's gone down.
What about a United Europe?
Huh?
Countries of the
European Union...
...we're all the same,
no borders, and such stuff.
What now?
That's it. That's the record.
Kerel Gott.
The Czech superstar.
Let's put some yellow
stars on the map!
To Europe!
To the Czech Republic!
To Hungary!
To a United Europe!!!
Time out!
The guy's a better present
than a vibrator.
But he leaves in the morning
and then it's just
the two of us again?
That's it. Think of him like
a talking vibrator.
This isn't what we agreed.
The element of surprise.
I'm not an SM fan.
You don't have to be.
This shit rubs.
What is it?
Pete likes it sweet?
I'm not Pete. I'm Kazimir.
So what do you
rhyme with, Kazimir?
Just take the fucking cuffs off!
You'll get extra.
It's my birthday. It's on me.
I don't want money.
What, then?
Just pussy.
How much did you take from her?
I don't get you.
How much did she pay you?
Nothing.
What?
Me, pay a sucker for it?!
What did you say?!
I said you're for free!
A free vibrator on the market!
Hey, that hurts. You're crazy!
He really tastes cheap.
Don't even think about it!
So why did you agree to it?
I like screwing babes.
How did you know I was a babe?
I showed him your photos.
From facebook?
From the excursion.
Polaroids?!
I'm crazy about Polaroids!
And the one with
the black plastic is legendary.
You've got no idea. It's rubber.
Ordinary rubber for a tractor.
I don't get you women,
what you put in yourself.
You'll get it now!
Don't even think about it!
You're crazy!
Lada, wasn't it
in the top drawer?
It hardly fitted in,
only diagonally!
You're really crazy.
We chase each other...
...like horses on a carousel
and we'll never catch
each other up.
Is she okay?
Stella's a poet.
She has a poet's lips.
The Ivan Goran
Kovacic 99' award.
Best young poet.
Poetess.
Shouldn't someone
light a cigarette?
Can I have a smoke?
How about uncuffing me?
Okay. But first, admit it.
What?
That you're not Kazimir.
What, then?
A vibrator.
What's the catch?!
About that.
I don't get it.
You don't have to.
Just admit it.
OK. I'm a vibrator.
Can you say it like you mean it?
I'm a vibrator.
Did he mean it?
No, he didn't.
I'm a vibrator. Now can you...
We're not finished.
What else do I have to say?
I'm a...
...little vibrator.
What do you mean?!
No, you've got to say
you're a little vibrator!
But it's not true!
You say it yourself?!
I don't.
So, the cuffs stay?
Okay, I'm a little vibrator.
Can you be more convincing?
How can I be more convincing
when it's not true!
Who says it's not true?!
All the girls!
The girls lie to the guys when
they say they have big ones!
Didn't you know?
Have you got a triangle?
A ruler?
How about calipers?
What do you want the ruler for?
To prove it to you.
Mathematically.
We know what
the average is, don't we?
Are you from the fucking
Bureau of Statistics?
OK, I'm a little vibrator.
So small that they
don't make them like that.
So small that they
don't make them like that!
Apart from for key rings.
Apart from for key rings.
I'm hungry. Anything to eat?
This isn't a bed and breakfast!
We need to charge his batteries.
I'll rustle something up...
I'm going to have a shower.
You were just faking it?
Huh?
Those screams.
You were faking it?
Were you faking it or not?
- Don't you know me?
- It was the same as with me.
It's better with you.
You're comparing us?!
Oh, come on, please...
You never scream with me.
As if that's what it's about.
So what's it about, then?
The real thing?
You want to have the real thing?
Stela, calm down.
You screwed him?
Yes, just now.
I don't mean that!
You screwed him before?
You're obsessed with guys.
What are you on about?
Look at what you've got
framed on the wall.
That's the only thing
my old man gave me
before he left
to get cigarettes.
Yeah, the nearest shop
was in Munich.
But it was still a present.
A present?
They were handing them out free.
The bastard didn't
spend a penny for it.
To recap...
...you like guys more than me,
and you even have
one framed on the wall.
But it's Zagi the Squirrel.
Zagi's a male squirrel!
Aren't all squirrels female?!
Where is he?
Stela, where is he?
Maybe his battery's gone flat.
These are yummy sandwiches!
All the more for us.
Hey, if you put an ice-cream
cone against your ear,
you can hear
the ice-cream factory!
What now?
Wait, wait!
No stopping til the job's done.
No, I'm serious, wait!
I've got a cramp.
So what?
You keep on getting cramps.
No, I mean it. I've got
a cramp in my leg! Ow!
I've heard a lot,
but never one like this.
How can you get a cramp
from shagging? Jesus...
It's like I've been
stabbed with a knife.
Have you got some sort
of childhood trauma?
Oh, fuck off.
Turn the light on.
You could walk
round the room a bit.
And I could sing a bit as well.
Go on, so I can see you better.
To see you better...
You're obsessed with sex.
A-ha, it bothers you?
No.
Where are you off to now?
Where are you off to now?
I'm calling Information.
It's ringing.
Oh, really?
Hello, Information? What should
we do about a leg cramp?
You don't give such information.
Thank you. Goodbye.
They say to call an ambulance.
Yes?
Shall we call an ambulance?
No. It's gone.
What do you want to do?
I want to play cards.
You want to play cards...
Yes.
Do you want to sing in the mike?
No, I want to play
cards on the table.
Then we'll play
cards on the table.
Move over. I'm hot.
Can I ask you something?
A-ha.
Why do you guys always look like
you've been digging after sex?
It's easy for you.
You just lie down...
...put your feet up
in the air and enjoy youself...
and I've got to work like a dog.
It's not easy to satisfy you.
Have a smoke. You haven't
had one for a long time.
I bloody deserve it.
What's the time?
Itll be about midday.
Oh, fuck!
What?
I'm so stupid. Such an idiot!
What is it?
I promised him. Fuck it.
I promised my boyfriend
to see him today.
I'm such an idiot!
You haven't broken up with him?
Don't act the fool.
I've told you everything.
He doesn't know. He
doesn't care. Got a problem?
Maybe I care.
Oh, sweetie, come off it...
I hate it when I have to
rush like this... fuck it.
Oh, stay a little bit longer.
Sweetie, you know I can't.
He rang me, for fuck's sake.
If you're hungry,
there's a McDonald's salad
in the fridge from yesterday.
Alright? Come on.
Leave the keys of the flat
downstairs in my letterbox.
Come on...
what's the matter?
Nothing.
Cut the dramatics, please, okay?
Hi, sweetie...
I'm on my way.
Bye, bye.
'Scuse me...
Jesus, you scared me.
Sorry, didn't mean to.
I broke its cap off.
And a boletus without a cap
is like a pecker without a head.
A 'pecker'? What's that?!
It's a kind of picker.
Picker, pecker. Get it?
You Croats complicate stuff.
You Serbian?
Yes.
So what're you
doing in the wood?
The war's been
over for twenty years.
Nobody'll do anything to you.
You wouldn't believe it but
Serbs are holidaying here.
And no-one shoves
their cars into the sea.
What's your name?
Bella.
And what would you do
if it doesn't suit you?
Why?
Your name's Bella
and what if you're no looker.
So you're into mushrooms?
Not me, but my boyfriend's
a mushroom freak.
Imagine, this is
my first trip to Zagreb.
I spend the whole night rattling
about in a sleeping car,
and he gets me off the train
and straight into the woods.
And I thought I'm in for some
romance, breakfast on the lawn,
but instead I'm greeted by his
pals from their mushroom club.
What's the name?
My boyfriend's?
The mushroom club's.
Pickers.
Not pickers... peckers!
As if you'll teach me whether
they're pickers or peckers!
We call them 'dongs'.
What the fuck's a 'dong'?
So? What's your man's name?
Jole.
Just 'Jole', or something else?
I call him Jole.
His name's Joza.
Joza. And what else?
Joza Kobecak.
Fuck me!
Fuck me!
Or fucking fuck me,
as you Serbs would say!
The biggest loser
among the pickers
gets the best
Serbian broad!
I'm going to kill myself!
Look over there,
that's a fly agaric.
Bring it over so
I can eat it and die!
If Joza Kobecak's
screwing you, I have to die!
Where did he pull you?
In Belgrade. At a mushroom
congress. I was a hostess.
Who paid for his trip?
The Croatian
Mushroom Association.
That ass-licking crony!
Us 'Boletes' are 30 years older
and the Association
won't even pay
our electricity bill!
Can you help me?
Me, help his broad!
That's treason, man!
If you could just tell me where
the parking area is.
I went to pee,
but I got a bit lost.
Haven't you got a mobile phone?
Yes, but I don't know how to
explain where I am.
A wood's a wood.
O.K.
Do you want his number?
I've got Joza Kobecak's number.
What did you do to him?
To who?
Joza. What did you do that
he wants to kill you?
Whaaat?!
Bella, Bellissima...
...your Joza...
...wants to kill you!
You understand Serbian?
Are you mad?!
What's up with you?!
So how many Pickers
are in the wood?
Well, ummm...
Fifteen.
And how many
of them are girls?
None. Apart from me.
And this seems normal to you?!
What's the problem?
At this time of year, the wood
is deadly for women.
Because of wild animals?
Ticks. You know what a tick is?
What do you Serbs call ticks?
We call them ticks
for fuck's sake.
What else would we call them?
Eucelibia trebix.
That's its scientific name.
It kills in seven days.
It boils your brain...
...your eyes fall out,
it eats up your lungs...
...and you get delirious
and scream from pain!
Nothing helps you.
Not even an induced coma!
Why the hell should I care?
The tick is fatal
only for women.
It sucks on guys too,
but it isn't dangerous.
It doesn't give guys poison
or viruses.
It gets a bit red and stings,
but that's it.
Surely I'm not
that unlucky to get it?
I don't want to be indiscreet,
but when did you last pee?
Half-an-hour ago.
That's great, because
the first hour is critical.
If you get it off in the
first hour, you'll be fine.
Where did you pee?
In the bloody wood, where else?
And how?
What do you mean 'how'?
There's only one way.
...Standing?
We Serbian women piss crouching.
Do Croatian women
piss standing up?
They do if they're
picking mushrooms,
because they know
the risk of crouching.
It gives the tick open access.
It just strolls up
to its destination.
And that is?
I'll give you three guesses.
C'mon...
You mean it sticks to...
Yup. 98 percent
are found on the pussy.
I hope you're fully shaved.
What do you mean?
At the nudist beach last year
thay called me 'Winnie'.
The bear?
I don't shave at all.
And why?
Because of Joza. He likes it.
Not just Joza. Ticks, too.
They love a bush, you see.
It's warm. It feels safe,
because it's difficult to see.
So what should I do?
Get Joza to throw himself into
the jungle, machete and all.
That's not funny at all.
Turn round, and don't peek.
I can't concentrate.
Fuck it!
What? Have you found one?
I can't see. It's too thick. Call
Jole and tell him where I am.
Okay, but what if it's too late?
It might take him
more than
half-an-hour to get here.
OK, OK... Come on, then...
What did you say your name was?
I didn't.
What's your name,
for fuck's sake?!
Franjo.
Not 'Franjo'?!
What's wrong with Franjo?
Don't worry, I'm not that Franjo.
I'm Franjo Cupac.
Well, Franjo, time
to get down to work!
Me, dig in Joza's pussy?!
Out of the question!
Franjo, don't screw around.
Get to work!
But if you tell Joza,
I'll come to Belgrade
with the whole mushroom club!
Franjo, you're full of shit!
Shut up and work!
If you're near-sighted, why
don't you wear glasses?!
Well, it's dense!
What's so funny?! Tell me so
we can both have a laugh.
You're tickling me.
Come on, find it,
before it's too late!
So there you are,
you little fuck!
Have you found it?!
Yes.
Pull it out!
I've got tweezers in my bag!
Bella, we have a problem.
You see,
if I force it, I mean...
...if I pull it off,
its head stays,
which sprays poison
under the skin. Get it?
So what shall we do?
This!
Franjo Cupac will sacrifice
himself and take the tick.
Because that's us Croats. Gene-
rousity and sacrifice. Get it?
Got it. Do you think it will
really move onto you?
Yes. But we need to give it time
At least ten minutes.
Okay. So what
are you waiting for?
Push harder.
Don't just shake about.
Give it a chance, a little time.
Jole.
I'm here.
Yes, I'm a little out of breath.
Fresh air... Flowers...
Boletes, big boletus...
I mean puffballs...
Bye, I'm coming... coooming...
Listen, Franjo, don't move until
You couldn't hold it! You loser!
Why are you shouting?!
Everything's fine.
Did it move onto you?
Yes.
Liar!
I felt it prick me!
And it's a bit red.
Swear.
Cross my heart.
Swear harder.
Cross my heart
as Tito's Pioneer.
'Tito's Pioneer'?!
What kind of crap is that?
That's how we would swear the
truth. For real. As Pioneers.
Eh, Joza, it's Franjo...
No, fuck you and your club!
You won't be taking your balls
for a walk through Belgrade
at the taxpayer's expense.
I've found your woman.
Bella. Come and get her.
That's right. Hill 9, next to
Rabbit Shit... Bye.
Bye.
And you know what?
There are no ticks in the wood
now. It's not their season.
Cast
Director of photography
Editor
Original Music by
Screenwriter and director
Anything there?
Can you see anything?
A snowstorm.
- In the film?
- On the bloody screen!
Fucking analogue.
Why's it so bent?
- A swan.
- What bloody swan!
A black one. Fucking sits on the
antenna, heavier than a turkey.
- From Zagorje?
- Zagorje?
The turkey.
- Why don't you take it down?
- What?
The swan. With an airgun.
Because it's protected.
It's got a bullet-proof vest?
It's protected by law, dummy.
It's from the zoo.
So why isn't it there, then?
What the fuck
it's doing on your roof?
I'll freeze my pussy off.
Because of the porno.
First of all - it isn't a porno.
Then what?
It's erotic.
What's the difference?
In penetration.
Is that something political,
that 'penetration'?
It was on the News.
Fuck your High School diploma.
And what does this belong to?
To pneumonia.
I don't fucking believe it!
Don't fucking believe it!
Believe what?
The cold's made them harder
than when I'm horny!
That discovery's
worth a Nobel Prize!
That's why they rub ice on the
boobs in porn flicks.
What about the guys?
Who the fuck looks
at the guy's boobs??!
I mean if they rub it
with ice to stiffen it up.
Where're you going?
To jump off the roof.
Wanna check if
the picture's better first?
Only you and those Partisans
on the third floor...
What?
Have analogue. Why...
'Cause I'm not giving
Fuck the corporate capitalists!
Stop shouting, they'll hear you.
That's a Telecom antenna there!
It's not a fucking
listening device.
What do you know?
You haven't a clue about this
antenna, let alone that big one.
Can't you copy it
somewhere else?
Like where?
In the Archives.
The archives?!
The Croatian Archives.
Or get it from Internet.
I downloaded Emmanuelle 3,
and it fucking cost me
as if I'd had her live.
And VHS on eBay?
of the auction, plus customs.
By the end it costs
you up to a grand!
How come so much?!
If you copy it direct on VHS.
Copied on VHS from DVD or
something, it's not worth a toss.
That's why I've got to copy it
this evening. Get it?
No.
Only we get it.
Who's 'we'?
Us from WEMBFTC.
What the fuck's that?
The World Emmanuelle
Boys First Time Club.
A secret brotherhood of boys
who had their first wank
with Emmanuelle on VHS.
You're total idiots.
What about Torrent?
I don't want fucking Torrent and
fucking DIVX. I want it on VHS.
DVDs last only 5 years, but VHS
cassettes last at least 30.
But will your player still be
working in 30 years?
Sure.
If you're thinking
of turning me on that way...
No, I'm not.
Then why are you doing it?
To see which way
the wind's blowing.
The wind's got nothing
to do with the signal.
It has with pissing.
I don't want to piss on my legs.
What?!
Why don't you go to the loo?
- Do you want to show me?
- Go down into the flat.
I won't make it.
What if the roof leaks?
Why would it leak?
'Cause it's fucking thin!
Socialist construction!
At least your neighbours
won't bother you!
It's not going to leak on them!
So it's okay if it leaks on me?
Fucking turn-on!
Lying on my couch and it drips
from the ceiling into my eye!
You've got no imagination!
No bloody imagination!
Analogue asshole.
- What?!
- You heard what I said.
I think someone's looking
at me from that roof.
With binoculars.
It's the guy from the zoo.
He's not looking at you but the
swan's probably gone off again.
I'm not so sure.
You know what he's doing now?
What?
He's gone behind the chimney
to have a wank.
When you're ready,
can you hold the antenna?
Yes, I can.
And I can stick it up your ass.
Maybe we'll get a signal.
Why are you so fucking rude?
Because that guy gets a hard on
for me from a kilometre away,
and you don't from
just two metres.
Gloria, you don't get it.
I now have a greater purpose.
Us guys are a species
that sometimes have a mission.
And there are two types of
chicks, those who understand
the male mission
and those who don't.
Got it.
Maybe that voyeur's
had a heart attack.
You know, I have to
tell you something.
I lied.
The picture
downstairs is perfect.
Stop it. You said it
was just a tryout.
I need to fix my make-up.
Has anyone told you
how irritating you are?
And without a digital camera?!
You're a lousy actor.
So how are you
going to photoshop it?
I'm not.
Don't shit me.
You've got beautiful eyes.
You've got a good lens.
You've got good legs.
- Eh, you know what?
- What?
I've just remembered something.
You have a memory?
In Film History,
we learned that actors
were lit with as many lights
as possible.
Since when do actors
learn about film history?!
Bette Davis, hellooo?
Oh, so you've heard about films
from before the digital era?
More lights, baby!
More lights!
This is for an exhibition.
And where's the fan?
This is fucking art.
Fuck the fan, for fuck's sake.
Hey, unbutton your blouse.
No nudity.
And you used to say:
Anything for Art.
Okay then, I can do it in a bra.
You won't be naked.
You mean, I can get dressed?
No, you'll have some sellotape.
What, black sellotape?
That's it... Black crosses.
Are you sniffing again?
Sod off. I haven't got
the money for that.
I know, the soaps
have fucked you over.
So says the queen of soaps.
Just one more
and I'll be a movie star.
So... the crosses?
Huh?!
Haven't you heard of Vogue?
Course I have.
Wait...
Come here.
So, what do you say?
If this dumb bitch
can do it, so can I...
That's good one.
Yes.
That's great.
Yes.
Can you lie down so I get you
from another angle?
Hang on, move off!
You're texting on set?!
You've ruined my hair!
I've got more black
tape if you need it.
- I've got to go!
- What?!
Gotta go!
I'll take you with a Polaroid
to punish you.
I said I didn't want analogue.
What's so urgent that you can't
tell me over the phone?
I'm up to my neck in shit.
I love your new flat.
Minimalism.
It's not mine. I'm renting it,
until the bitch leaves my flat.
Josip?
What Josip?!
The troll from the gas board.
You introduced
him to me as your bitch.
He's no longer my bitch,
but someone else's.
He'll never read my meter again.
They can send
someone else for all I care.
You've got a dog?
Are you crazy?!
I faint at 'Lassie Come Home'.
So who's the bitch, then?
Katica Bergen. An interior desi-
gner. She's designing my flat.
The bitch treats me like
she's paying me and not me her.
So what's so urgent?
The deadline's in half an hour.
For what?
For my career.
Pixie!
So what?!
It was my first title role!
What title role? You were
Pixie in 'Dixie's home'.
So bloody what! Is a streetcar
the lead in
'A Streetcar Named Desire'?!
What about the casting
for that Macedonian relish?
You mixed it up.
I got hooked on that relish
when I was visiting Skopje.
But this was for Samobor relish.
I was on the short list until
I threw up over the director.
At the end of the ad, I had to
put a spoonful of that shit
into my gob.
And that ad for beer?
No beer gut... no points.
Milk?
Lost it to
a balding family-type.
Cat food?
I'm allergic to hairs.
Mobile phones?
They go for cool kids.
Sorry, I can't lend you
any money.
The bitch skinned me alive
and I'm in the red.
I've flunked all the ads,
so if I can't get a part
as befits a qualified actor,
I'll have to do
what's beneath my dignity.
As my granddad would say:
'Beggars can't be choosers.'
And that is...?
Theatre. Casting in the theatre.
I get you.
You really have
gone to the dogs.
The director is gay.
And?
Well... Maybe I'll have a
chance... If I hit on him.
But you're not gay.
And I'm no Pixie,
but I won second prize
at the regional competition
at Koprivnica!
It's not the same.
Being gay isn't a role.
You don't act it!
You live it,
for fuck's sake!
So when Shakespeare says
that all the world's a stage
and we are all players,
you reckon that's bullshit?
What are you trying to say?
I'm trying to say I want you to
teach me how to be gay.
How to be gay?
That's it. You've got
half an hour.
Half an hour?!
The shortest book on that
runs to 433 pages!
But I'm not looking for
a doctorate!
Just give me
one or two tricks I can try...
...clothes, make-up, design...
so he sees we have
the same DNA.
Okay.
Number 1. Elle decor?
I know that, they've got
the best chicks there.
Not chicks. Furniture.
The best furniture.
I get it.
You see that armchair there...
It's Fucci.
Old Jozo on the third
floor's got one like that.
I doubt it.
Mention Alexander
McQueen in passing.
Say you're still in
shock after his death.
Ask him if he'd like to go to a
vintage shop with you afterwards
What's a vintage shop?
It's like a second hand shop
but with good stuff.
Like a 1990
Vintage Diesel jacket.
Oh, I know, there's
one near the theatre.
Wear a tight tee-shirt
to show off your torso.
Or a fitted shirt.
White or pink?
White.
Great, I've got an American
Apparel with a V neck
from when Pixie
appeared in Garenica.
Come here.
Vitra...
It's on show at the Pompidou
Centre. 300 euros.
What?
Can you remember that?
Don't tell me that these 2 bits
of wire with coloured balls...
Should I think about a career
designing clothes hangers?
Give me a break.
See what I'm taking to him,
to sweeten him up.
You're thinking of giving him
a box of chocolates?
What's wrong with chocolates?
I don't get you. Are you after
a nurse or a director?
...or an old bag
at the land registry?
It's all I can afford.
You just need some Ralon
to complete the sorry picture.
My dad's still on Ralon.
Walk.
You're walking like a fag.
Isn't that the point?
No. Gays don't walk like fags.
Then how?
You're walking normally.
I'm walking like a gay.
I don't see the difference.
Think of a chick
in front of a caf...
How about Renata? The one
with boobs like an oil platform.
You're walking by,
you know she's looking,
and you pretend
you don't see her...
Are you sick?
I'm concentrating!
I'm an ACTOR.
Is it OK? Huh? Is it OK?
Yes, but...
Shall I, when I go on stage,
shove it from left to right...
Phooey. That's gross. Phooey.
OK. I'm listening.
The walk's really good.
But now, do the same...
but without Renata
and her platform.
What do you mean?
Imagine that
the director is Renata.
Him, Renata?!
But he's like a lizard
from the Galapagos Islands!
Then forget the walk. He'll know
you're walking for a platform
and not the Galapagos.
How the fuck will
he know what's in my mind?
We gays just know it.
'You gays'.
Are you supermen?
Should the rest
of us feel inferior?
Yes, you should.
For example,
in Plato's Feast...
Don't try bloody
Plato's Feast on me.
I got top marks in that
from Professor Vratovic!
OK. Walk how you like and
think about whoever you like.
Cool it, man.
I'll think of the Galapagos,
and I'll walk like
I'm thinking of Renata.
I'm an ACTOR.
It's my MISSION.
And what if, as if by accident,
I remove a lock of hair
from his face?
He's got hair?
No.
What's that perfume?
You're asking... him? Or me?
Got you, didn't I? You don't
know if it's acting or for real.
That's Stanislavski, man!
Total immersion!
FYI, the prompter's dog
went berserk at Pixie!
He really thought
I was a German shepherd!
Nina Ricci...
Is she the skirt
from the canteen?
The perfume...
You asked about the perfume.
And this...?
Do I need to ask...?
Is my beard rough?
A little.
But I like it.
I've got Plato's Feast
on my bedside table.
Me too.
Which edition?
Nolit, Belgrade.
Nolit, Belgrade. 63'.
You know what...
What?
I think you'll get the part.
You're totally convincing.
You know what...
What?
I've already got the part.
Fuck...
It took the director
two minutes to see it.
And it's taken you two years...
Sorry.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Hana.
Hey.
Marko.
What?
I'm Marko.
Yes, yes, I know.
We've never been
officially introduced.
Marko. Marko from the office.
Oh, sorry, yes.
Hana.
Are you looking for
anything special?
Not really.
A birthday present.
For your boyfriend?
For a friend.
Then you're in the right place.
I recommend the 80s.
There's a revival.
Huh?
I'm not so sure.
She's a ballet dancer.
Then...
...not.
Is this better?
You're often here, ha?
A-ha. Every week.
This was in that film,
wasn't it?
In the sex scene?
A-ha.
I really fancy that actor.
You know,
you look a bit like him.
And you're like Nicole.
Red hair, blue eyes.
But much better.
I read the other day that
she always wears garters.
Even when she goes shopping.
Really? You're joking.
Marko?
Yes?
I have to tell you something...
Hey. I've got to pick up my kid
from his Japanese lesson.
Here are the keys.
Look after the shop, will you?
Okay, no problem.
And don't let those kids in. Last
time thay nicked half the stuff.
Allright.
Bye.
Say something in Czech.
Ahoj.
Say something else.
Knedlicke.
Put some music on.
Say something else.
I don't know anything else.
Don't ladder my stocking.
What do you mean... you don't
know anything. Aren't you Czech?
Nope, Hungarian.
They told me at work that your
mother and grandmother are Czech
Nope, Hungarian.
A-ha, Hungarian.
So what's wrong with that?
I want a Czech.
What now?
Nothing.
How nothing? Are you crazy?!
Take your pants off!
I can't. It's gone down.
What about a United Europe?
Huh?
Countries of the
European Union...
...we're all the same,
no borders, and such stuff.
What now?
That's it. That's the record.
Kerel Gott.
The Czech superstar.
Let's put some yellow
stars on the map!
To Europe!
To the Czech Republic!
To Hungary!
To a United Europe!!!
Time out!
The guy's a better present
than a vibrator.
But he leaves in the morning
and then it's just
the two of us again?
That's it. Think of him like
a talking vibrator.
This isn't what we agreed.
The element of surprise.
I'm not an SM fan.
You don't have to be.
This shit rubs.
What is it?
Pete likes it sweet?
I'm not Pete. I'm Kazimir.
So what do you
rhyme with, Kazimir?
Just take the fucking cuffs off!
You'll get extra.
It's my birthday. It's on me.
I don't want money.
What, then?
Just pussy.
How much did you take from her?
I don't get you.
How much did she pay you?
Nothing.
What?
Me, pay a sucker for it?!
What did you say?!
I said you're for free!
A free vibrator on the market!
Hey, that hurts. You're crazy!
He really tastes cheap.
Don't even think about it!
So why did you agree to it?
I like screwing babes.
How did you know I was a babe?
I showed him your photos.
From facebook?
From the excursion.
Polaroids?!
I'm crazy about Polaroids!
And the one with
the black plastic is legendary.
You've got no idea. It's rubber.
Ordinary rubber for a tractor.
I don't get you women,
what you put in yourself.
You'll get it now!
Don't even think about it!
You're crazy!
Lada, wasn't it
in the top drawer?
It hardly fitted in,
only diagonally!
You're really crazy.
We chase each other...
...like horses on a carousel
and we'll never catch
each other up.
Is she okay?
Stella's a poet.
She has a poet's lips.
The Ivan Goran
Kovacic 99' award.
Best young poet.
Poetess.
Shouldn't someone
light a cigarette?
Can I have a smoke?
How about uncuffing me?
Okay. But first, admit it.
What?
That you're not Kazimir.
What, then?
A vibrator.
What's the catch?!
About that.
I don't get it.
You don't have to.
Just admit it.
OK. I'm a vibrator.
Can you say it like you mean it?
I'm a vibrator.
Did he mean it?
No, he didn't.
I'm a vibrator. Now can you...
We're not finished.
What else do I have to say?
I'm a...
...little vibrator.
What do you mean?!
No, you've got to say
you're a little vibrator!
But it's not true!
You say it yourself?!
I don't.
So, the cuffs stay?
Okay, I'm a little vibrator.
Can you be more convincing?
How can I be more convincing
when it's not true!
Who says it's not true?!
All the girls!
The girls lie to the guys when
they say they have big ones!
Didn't you know?
Have you got a triangle?
A ruler?
How about calipers?
What do you want the ruler for?
To prove it to you.
Mathematically.
We know what
the average is, don't we?
Are you from the fucking
Bureau of Statistics?
OK, I'm a little vibrator.
So small that they
don't make them like that.
So small that they
don't make them like that!
Apart from for key rings.
Apart from for key rings.
I'm hungry. Anything to eat?
This isn't a bed and breakfast!
We need to charge his batteries.
I'll rustle something up...
I'm going to have a shower.
You were just faking it?
Huh?
Those screams.
You were faking it?
Were you faking it or not?
- Don't you know me?
- It was the same as with me.
It's better with you.
You're comparing us?!
Oh, come on, please...
You never scream with me.
As if that's what it's about.
So what's it about, then?
The real thing?
You want to have the real thing?
Stela, calm down.
You screwed him?
Yes, just now.
I don't mean that!
You screwed him before?
You're obsessed with guys.
What are you on about?
Look at what you've got
framed on the wall.
That's the only thing
my old man gave me
before he left
to get cigarettes.
Yeah, the nearest shop
was in Munich.
But it was still a present.
A present?
They were handing them out free.
The bastard didn't
spend a penny for it.
To recap...
...you like guys more than me,
and you even have
one framed on the wall.
But it's Zagi the Squirrel.
Zagi's a male squirrel!
Aren't all squirrels female?!
Where is he?
Stela, where is he?
Maybe his battery's gone flat.
These are yummy sandwiches!
All the more for us.
Hey, if you put an ice-cream
cone against your ear,
you can hear
the ice-cream factory!
What now?
Wait, wait!
No stopping til the job's done.
No, I'm serious, wait!
I've got a cramp.
So what?
You keep on getting cramps.
No, I mean it. I've got
a cramp in my leg! Ow!
I've heard a lot,
but never one like this.
How can you get a cramp
from shagging? Jesus...
It's like I've been
stabbed with a knife.
Have you got some sort
of childhood trauma?
Oh, fuck off.
Turn the light on.
You could walk
round the room a bit.
And I could sing a bit as well.
Go on, so I can see you better.
To see you better...
You're obsessed with sex.
A-ha, it bothers you?
No.
Where are you off to now?
Where are you off to now?
I'm calling Information.
It's ringing.
Oh, really?
Hello, Information? What should
we do about a leg cramp?
You don't give such information.
Thank you. Goodbye.
They say to call an ambulance.
Yes?
Shall we call an ambulance?
No. It's gone.
What do you want to do?
I want to play cards.
You want to play cards...
Yes.
Do you want to sing in the mike?
No, I want to play
cards on the table.
Then we'll play
cards on the table.
Move over. I'm hot.
Can I ask you something?
A-ha.
Why do you guys always look like
you've been digging after sex?
It's easy for you.
You just lie down...
...put your feet up
in the air and enjoy youself...
and I've got to work like a dog.
It's not easy to satisfy you.
Have a smoke. You haven't
had one for a long time.
I bloody deserve it.
What's the time?
Itll be about midday.
Oh, fuck!
What?
I'm so stupid. Such an idiot!
What is it?
I promised him. Fuck it.
I promised my boyfriend
to see him today.
I'm such an idiot!
You haven't broken up with him?
Don't act the fool.
I've told you everything.
He doesn't know. He
doesn't care. Got a problem?
Maybe I care.
Oh, sweetie, come off it...
I hate it when I have to
rush like this... fuck it.
Oh, stay a little bit longer.
Sweetie, you know I can't.
He rang me, for fuck's sake.
If you're hungry,
there's a McDonald's salad
in the fridge from yesterday.
Alright? Come on.
Leave the keys of the flat
downstairs in my letterbox.
Come on...
what's the matter?
Nothing.
Cut the dramatics, please, okay?
Hi, sweetie...
I'm on my way.
Bye, bye.
'Scuse me...
Jesus, you scared me.
Sorry, didn't mean to.
I broke its cap off.
And a boletus without a cap
is like a pecker without a head.
A 'pecker'? What's that?!
It's a kind of picker.
Picker, pecker. Get it?
You Croats complicate stuff.
You Serbian?
Yes.
So what're you
doing in the wood?
The war's been
over for twenty years.
Nobody'll do anything to you.
You wouldn't believe it but
Serbs are holidaying here.
And no-one shoves
their cars into the sea.
What's your name?
Bella.
And what would you do
if it doesn't suit you?
Why?
Your name's Bella
and what if you're no looker.
So you're into mushrooms?
Not me, but my boyfriend's
a mushroom freak.
Imagine, this is
my first trip to Zagreb.
I spend the whole night rattling
about in a sleeping car,
and he gets me off the train
and straight into the woods.
And I thought I'm in for some
romance, breakfast on the lawn,
but instead I'm greeted by his
pals from their mushroom club.
What's the name?
My boyfriend's?
The mushroom club's.
Pickers.
Not pickers... peckers!
As if you'll teach me whether
they're pickers or peckers!
We call them 'dongs'.
What the fuck's a 'dong'?
So? What's your man's name?
Jole.
Just 'Jole', or something else?
I call him Jole.
His name's Joza.
Joza. And what else?
Joza Kobecak.
Fuck me!
Fuck me!
Or fucking fuck me,
as you Serbs would say!
The biggest loser
among the pickers
gets the best
Serbian broad!
I'm going to kill myself!
Look over there,
that's a fly agaric.
Bring it over so
I can eat it and die!
If Joza Kobecak's
screwing you, I have to die!
Where did he pull you?
In Belgrade. At a mushroom
congress. I was a hostess.
Who paid for his trip?
The Croatian
Mushroom Association.
That ass-licking crony!
Us 'Boletes' are 30 years older
and the Association
won't even pay
our electricity bill!
Can you help me?
Me, help his broad!
That's treason, man!
If you could just tell me where
the parking area is.
I went to pee,
but I got a bit lost.
Haven't you got a mobile phone?
Yes, but I don't know how to
explain where I am.
A wood's a wood.
O.K.
Do you want his number?
I've got Joza Kobecak's number.
What did you do to him?
To who?
Joza. What did you do that
he wants to kill you?
Whaaat?!
Bella, Bellissima...
...your Joza...
...wants to kill you!
You understand Serbian?
Are you mad?!
What's up with you?!
So how many Pickers
are in the wood?
Well, ummm...
Fifteen.
And how many
of them are girls?
None. Apart from me.
And this seems normal to you?!
What's the problem?
At this time of year, the wood
is deadly for women.
Because of wild animals?
Ticks. You know what a tick is?
What do you Serbs call ticks?
We call them ticks
for fuck's sake.
What else would we call them?
Eucelibia trebix.
That's its scientific name.
It kills in seven days.
It boils your brain...
...your eyes fall out,
it eats up your lungs...
...and you get delirious
and scream from pain!
Nothing helps you.
Not even an induced coma!
Why the hell should I care?
The tick is fatal
only for women.
It sucks on guys too,
but it isn't dangerous.
It doesn't give guys poison
or viruses.
It gets a bit red and stings,
but that's it.
Surely I'm not
that unlucky to get it?
I don't want to be indiscreet,
but when did you last pee?
Half-an-hour ago.
That's great, because
the first hour is critical.
If you get it off in the
first hour, you'll be fine.
Where did you pee?
In the bloody wood, where else?
And how?
What do you mean 'how'?
There's only one way.
...Standing?
We Serbian women piss crouching.
Do Croatian women
piss standing up?
They do if they're
picking mushrooms,
because they know
the risk of crouching.
It gives the tick open access.
It just strolls up
to its destination.
And that is?
I'll give you three guesses.
C'mon...
You mean it sticks to...
Yup. 98 percent
are found on the pussy.
I hope you're fully shaved.
What do you mean?
At the nudist beach last year
thay called me 'Winnie'.
The bear?
I don't shave at all.
And why?
Because of Joza. He likes it.
Not just Joza. Ticks, too.
They love a bush, you see.
It's warm. It feels safe,
because it's difficult to see.
So what should I do?
Get Joza to throw himself into
the jungle, machete and all.
That's not funny at all.
Turn round, and don't peek.
I can't concentrate.
Fuck it!
What? Have you found one?
I can't see. It's too thick. Call
Jole and tell him where I am.
Okay, but what if it's too late?
It might take him
more than
half-an-hour to get here.
OK, OK... Come on, then...
What did you say your name was?
I didn't.
What's your name,
for fuck's sake?!
Franjo.
Not 'Franjo'?!
What's wrong with Franjo?
Don't worry, I'm not that Franjo.
I'm Franjo Cupac.
Well, Franjo, time
to get down to work!
Me, dig in Joza's pussy?!
Out of the question!
Franjo, don't screw around.
Get to work!
But if you tell Joza,
I'll come to Belgrade
with the whole mushroom club!
Franjo, you're full of shit!
Shut up and work!
If you're near-sighted, why
don't you wear glasses?!
Well, it's dense!
What's so funny?! Tell me so
we can both have a laugh.
You're tickling me.
Come on, find it,
before it's too late!
So there you are,
you little fuck!
Have you found it?!
Yes.
Pull it out!
I've got tweezers in my bag!
Bella, we have a problem.
You see,
if I force it, I mean...
...if I pull it off,
its head stays,
which sprays poison
under the skin. Get it?
So what shall we do?
This!
Franjo Cupac will sacrifice
himself and take the tick.
Because that's us Croats. Gene-
rousity and sacrifice. Get it?
Got it. Do you think it will
really move onto you?
Yes. But we need to give it time
At least ten minutes.
Okay. So what
are you waiting for?
Push harder.
Don't just shake about.
Give it a chance, a little time.
Jole.
I'm here.
Yes, I'm a little out of breath.
Fresh air... Flowers...
Boletes, big boletus...
I mean puffballs...
Bye, I'm coming... coooming...
Listen, Franjo, don't move until
You couldn't hold it! You loser!
Why are you shouting?!
Everything's fine.
Did it move onto you?
Yes.
Liar!
I felt it prick me!
And it's a bit red.
Swear.
Cross my heart.
Swear harder.
Cross my heart
as Tito's Pioneer.
'Tito's Pioneer'?!
What kind of crap is that?
That's how we would swear the
truth. For real. As Pioneers.
Eh, Joza, it's Franjo...
No, fuck you and your club!
You won't be taking your balls
for a walk through Belgrade
at the taxpayer's expense.
I've found your woman.
Bella. Come and get her.
That's right. Hill 9, next to
Rabbit Shit... Bye.
Bye.
And you know what?
There are no ticks in the wood
now. It's not their season.