9 Ways to Hell (2022) Movie Script
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Dammit!
You have 3 new messages.
Ms. Durante, management received
your request for a salary increase...
and it has been declined.
Also we are terminating the
inspirational app and novelty division...
so your services will
no longer be required.
Please clean out your desk this weekend.
On Monday we will send
out a letter of dismissal...
Alice,
did you tell your stepfather
you weren't going to pay for his new tires?
You can afford it. You're getting a raise.
I don't know how that boyfriend
of yours puts up with you.
Sometimes you're such a
disappointment...
Hey Alice,
so I know we had plans for tonight...
but something came up.
Um... I'm gonna be on late tonight.
Shit!
I just spilled Muscle
Milk all over the couch.
Look, I'm already late so can you
clean this up when you get home?
It's really disgusting...
FUCK!!!
I dispel negative energy...
I invite only good energy.
I am calm. I am centered.
How is this my life?
I am calm. I am centered...
I am fucked!
No! Not my phone! Not my phone!
Fucking shoes!
Not today, you red bitch!
You stole from the wrong...
the wrong...
Aaaalice...
Alice...
Alice... Alice... Alice...
ALICE!!!
What the hell?
I'm dialing 911. I've got
a gun in here so stay back!
Just stay back!
Alice... Alice... Alice...
Give it to me.
Give it to me you piece of shit!
Fuck you man!
Hey kid!
What?
Hey there! Damn! You look
like you been to hell already...
and you just got here.
Here? What the fuck is this, man?
Turn on the light.
The light is on.
You didn't pay the light bill?
And here is home sweet home.
Now it may not be what
you're accustomed to...
but I'm sure you'll get
used to it at some point.
What the fuck are you talkin' about man?
Look, this guy was chasing me.
Trying to get my bag and shit.
But if you just show
me where the door is...
I swear you'll never see my face again
man. Like I'm not with that fuck shit.
Oh, shit indeed. We all
have our share of shit, son...
But you know the shit you're
carrying around, it's a heavy load.
It's about time you let it go.
Nah, I'm good. It's light as a
feather. Where'd you say the door was?
You got to give it up,
son. It's not too late.
I'm not your fuckin' son!
Door's right there.
Alright old man. But next time
you try to preach somebody...
make sure you pay your
fuckin' light bill, man.
It's pathetic.
The fuck am I?
Back so soon?
What the fuck? What the fuck was that man?
The guy that was chasing me showed
up in the desert and now I'm here.
That's that heavy load you're carrying.
All doors lead to the same place. You
gotta get rid of that heavy weight, boy.
I'm trying to help you.
So what do you want me to do?
You want me to stand here
and just tell you my sins?
Who the fuck are you?
You know, I see a little of myself in you.
Hard-headed.
Nobody could tell me shit. Then one day...
it all came to an end.
You don't know shit about me
with your old washed-up ass!
Oh, so that wasn't you?
That wasn't you who
robbed the jewelry store?
That wasn't you who raped those women?
That wasn't you who
murdered his own brother?
That wasn't you???
Man, FUCK YOU!
Oh!
Are you ready to face the truth?
It's scary, I know. But
nothing's gonna change...
unless you let go. Just let go.
So what are you saying old man?
If I give you my stuff then I'm free to go?
It's just that simple. You
sit here and you just purge.
You know, a confessional if you will.
Well, here's my fuckin' confession.
My parents were both crackheads...
and they ain't give a shit about me.
Yeah I sold drugs. But that
robbery, it was necessary.
And that bitch, she wanted it.
Ultimately, I did what
I had to do to survive.
Okay am I done now? Can I go?
It's a start.
If you knew me, then you would know this
is the part where you kiss my black ass.
Give it to me you piece of shit!
Fuck you!
OH!
Fuck you old man! You want the bag?
Are you satisfied?
You've gone behind every door available...
and still... no prize.
Give it here son.
The only thing it's caused
you is a ton of trouble.
So that's it? I'm free to go?
That's it.
Michael will show you out.
Who?
I know.
But it's part of the job, man.
Do you remember flight quarter? Yeah.
So you know how thorough we had to...
Yeah. I'm here. I think I
just found something. Hold on.
Must be my lucky day.
Mr. Jones...
I think I found our murder weapon.
I said, I...
Did it hurt?
I'm sorry?
When you fell from heaven? Did it hurt?
It's a pick-up line. I'm
seducing you. This is seduction.
You must have me mistaken for someone else.
Have a good day.
That makes me sad. I thought
we could've had something.
Movie night, sex, text
fighting, makeup sex.
It's okay to want that.
You're a man, not a robot.
Or are you a robot? Beep Boop Beep.
Do I know you?
I sell needs for Dante's Delivery.
Sometimes pills, sometimes my body.
You're gonna have to give
me stupid green paper for that,
but you can always make more.
I'm Barnaby.
I'm Clementine.
And you don't have to use a condom
with me cause I'll just miscarry.
Let's get high!
So this is awkward. I'm
raising your pill prices.
$5 for 20 and $500 for each date night.
A.K.A. fucking.
I can't afford that.
Maybe we should break up then.
But I love you!
I don't know Barnaby. If you can't pay me
what I'm worth then we should just end it.
Here. Don't overdose, okay? I'll feel bad.
God! I hate Clementine.
Fuckin' hate her!
Gets me hooked on drugs,
making me buy her love.
I'd sell my soul for true love.
Girl problems huh?
I could find you a girl that will
love you for the rest of your life...
in exchange for your soul.
I need my soul.
No you don't.
Yes I do.
No you don't. You know need your soul.
Penny here, she thought
she needed her soul.
Penny sold her soul to me.
She's never been happier.
I sold my soul to commit murder.
I could stab you in a police
station and get away with it.
You see Barnaby, you could either do
this the true-love-sell-your-soul way...
or we could do it Penny's way.
Uh... true love
Great. I have a contract
for you right here.
It's on my tablet, it's all automated.
We make going to hell very easy for you.
So just sign away. We have
a few electronic signatures.
Initial... date... initial... sign.
Below that you'll have to
initial. Scroll to page 3...
Date... Page 2... Scroll down.
Date...
Page 2 scroll down.
Yeah.
Scroll up and electronic
signature and we should be set.
Let's see here. Okay terrific.
We'll send you a dream lover very soon.
Thank you guys.
Bye bye.
We'll be seeing you
Barnaby. See you real soon.
Ring around the rosy,
a pocket full of posies...
Ashes... ashes... We all fall...
DOWN!!!
Barnaby! I'm so glad we're back together.
I need new tires on my car,
so I'll let you fuck me for $460.
That covers the front and
the back. So that means
that you can fuck me
from the front and the back.
Right here?
Barnaby! There you are my love.
Hi!
I'm Lilith.
And if you ever talk to my man again, I
will beat you to death with a sledgehammer.
I'm sorry, I don't speak
weirdo-she-devil-slut.
Do you know who the fuck I
am? You're Clementine Sanders.
You're a 26 year old pill pusher,
and an STD filled white-trash hooker...
that lives in the back of a van because of
credit debt from a vitamin pyramid scheme.
Ugh!
You're not real.
I think I'm real.
I think can pat my head and
rub my tummy at the same time.
And I think I give the best hugs.
I'll explain everything.
Barnaby, inside with me!
You fixed my wing. You're
like a... like a wing fixer
Yes, I am.
So, I died 2 years ago.
The Wormwood Brothers kidnapped
me after Christmas karaoke.
Then chained me to a radiator and they made
me their three-month battered fuck doll.
When they got tired of me, they barb-wired
weights to my ankles
and threw me in the river.
After I drowned I made a deal
with the Devil to bring me back.
So a week later, I wake up
in a morgue, and I walk out...
And I tortured them to
death for three months.
But I got something better than revenge.
Barnaby. You're the best
deal with the Devil I ever made.
I love you more than pills.
I'll get you clean.
Look, it's a blackbird.
- Let me kill Clementine.
- No.
Come on! Rainbow Cunt turns
my Barnabug into an addict.
I'm just supposed to stand by?
I want blood!
Ooh, I'll cut her open for ya.
Shut up psycho.
Fucking whore!
Wow, you two are catty. Meow!
I will give you
Clementine's supplier. Deal?
- Deal.
- Good.
What do you want in return?
I would like a mayonnaise sandwich.
That's gross.
Yeah, you're gross.
You're fucking gross.
Fuck you! That's still gross.
Bye bye.
I got you a one day anniversary gift!
Is it a gift card?
No.
Is it a new puppy?
No.
Are we gonna have a threesome on day one?
TA DA! It's Clementine's supplier.
This is Daisy the Dealer. She's been
pushing opiates on your back alley slut.
Let's get one thing straight here. I am
a pharmaceutical representative, okay.
I sell samples to hookers and fuck doctors
for contracts... but it's sales, man.
I beat Daisy with a crowbar and then
I poured gasoline down her throat...
and I'm going to set her
pretty little insides on fire.
That's for me. For you...
we're going to flush your pills.
Hey no. No no no. Can we not?
Okay, if you let me go, I'll quit selling.
I will, I don't even like doing it.
I don't even like doing it. I
don't like making the six figures.
I don't like the exotic cruises.
I gotta buy a new bikini like every
week, it's awful on my bank account.
I should be like you guys.
I could live here in this rapey garage...
and we could eat instant noodles...
and masturbate at the wall!
Okay. That looks like fun!
Let me have some of
that. I want to be that guy.
Come on, I can so be that guy.
You know, we could do it together.
Yeah?
Yeah! He already likes it.
Oh he does. Alright, open your mouth.
Fuck!
Barnaby, why do you look so sad?
Does it burn? I got a pill for that.
No!
Fine! I'll just make it
easy. No fun for me.
Woo! I love you, Barnaby.
I would like to request a refund.
It doesn't work that way.
Uh, well can I get
Clementine to love me instead?
The trailer-trash hooker
that got you addicted to pills?
Mhm, that's the one.
Alright.
Click that activation
email and you're all set.
Can I get a gun for protection?
Yeah. It's loaded. Have fun.
Thanks.
I need to make Barnaby love me.
That's fine. 20 bucks.
Alright, just remember
to click that activation link.
Oh, Clementine's ours now.
Do whatever you want to her.
Can I have a sledgehammer?
It's my wedding day.
Ring
around the rosy...
So, I did something kinda crazy.
The church down the street does
these pedophile anonymous meetings...
and I needed to let off some
steam, so I killed them all.
And now when we get married in the
church, their ghosts will be our guests.
And I like three cups of coffee!
That's three too many.
Barnaby!
Put down the gun.
Give me the gun!
Oh God! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just need to check my email.
It's just a flesh wound.
I'll take you to the hospital.
Arrgh! Fucking Google.
I just have to get a confirmation
text and then I confirm my password.
Barnaby! Please let me
in. I love you so much.
I'll even let you fuck
me for free. Barnaby!
Barnaby?
Barnaby where are you?
In a
cavern... in a canyon...
Excavating for a mine...
Barnaby, where are you?
Dwelt a miner...
49er... and his daughter...
Clementine.
Hi.
Oh my darlin'... Oh my darlin'
Oh my darlin' Clementine
You are lost and gone forever...
Dreadful sorry, Clemen... TINE!
I love you so much.
Did you hear that, Clementine?
Barnaby says he loves me now.
You want him to have your heart?
I'm going to cut it out you fucking bitch.
We have to get to the
church. Our guests are waiting.
There's no time Barnabug.
You're not gonna make it.
I don't want to die.
It's okay, Barnabug.
We're going home.
I have something for you.
She would do anything to be an actress.
Wow! Well anyone could be an actress
but it takes selling your
soul to make it on Broadway.
Is that what you want?
Intermissions? Old people?
Fuck it! What could go wrong?
Alright. Here is your contract. It's
all electronic now. Just sign up there.
Initial. Date. We used to
use fax, now that was Hell!
Sign it. Sign it.
Sign it.
Sign. Date. Initial.
Alright, we're all set, and
I'll see you in Hell very soon.
Not if I see you first, fuckers!
The mouth on her.
I love you.
And I... really enjoy your company.
Yay!
I'm going to get drunk by myself now, so...
Let's go.
By myself.
Did you drink all the milk again?
It's not like you need all of it.
Did you seriously eat all of these?
Pig!
Well, my mom sent them for my birthday,
and I thought that just this once...
See, this is why you're home
alone on a Saturday night...
and I'm going out with whoever I want.
Nobody wants a fatty.
I wish you wouldn't say that.
Just keep listening to
me, stop screwing up...
and you'll have someone
to screw by the summer.
So who's the lucky guy tonight?
Alex?
No. Been over him for weeks now.
Jim?
Nope, not this time.
Jeremy?
No! He's so out of rotation.
I liked him
He's out of your league.
Kyle?
Chris?
Andrew?
That weird foreign guy. Where was from?
Oh, Mauricio. My Brazilian
powder puff of a man.
I thought he was rather nice.
Things were going well, I guess, but I need
a little more financial incentive there.
My time doesn't come cheap
and there are so many others
who make seeing them worth my while.
He doesn't buy flowers,
gifts, jewelry, or anything!
I need to know that my man is
willing to value me as I deserve.
So it's over then?
No, not yet. I told him I was
going out with Tom tonight..
And if he really wants me back you
can put his money where his mouth is.
So if he buys you something you'll take it
easy and just go out with him for awhile?
Of course not. But I'll
stop rubbing it in his face...
that I have a ton of guys ready
to party at any given minute.
Just keep listening to me, stick to your
diet, and you can have two or three guys.
Eventually
I don't think I want that
many at any one time.
It's too early for that to be Tom.
You know, if it's anyone else just tell
them I'm sick and I can't come to the door.
Can I help you?
Are you Stephanie?
No, she's... not feeling well.
Oh. Well, I have a delivery
from a Mauricio del...
See, Becky. What did I tell
you? It works every time.
Are these Godiva chocolates?
Something rare. A delicacy.
I've never seen these in the U.S. before.
Not too shabby then. What are
the flavors? Are there any fillings?
Something wonderful and different.
Although, you should
only eat one at a time.
Especially for your size.
Look, Bozo, you're here to deliver chocolates
not take some cheap shot at my weight.
It's not like I'm Becky's size, here.
Look, I'm sorry. She just doesn't get it.
Ah, no need.
Pretty girls like her, they get a
few breaks from an old man like me.
Someday her luck will run out.
You tell her to be careful.
Heed the warning on this card.
Thanks.
Those are some interesting chocolates.
That boy must have some
strong feelings towards her.
Maybe you should listen that delivery guy.
That weirdo? Something about
savoring life and going slow? No way.
Well, what about maintaining a diet?
When you look like me, you can have it all.
What does it taste like?
Heavenly!
Kind of like a mint flavor.
Kind of makes my tongue tingle.
You going to read the card?
No, you go ahead.
I'll text him later and
thank him for his generosity.
"Dear Stephanie, it took some time but I
was able to get you the rarest delicacy..."
I knew of from my hometown. You
may not think me worthy of your interest...
but I believe that everyone
gets what they deserve in the end.
This chocolate is not like
your average Hershey bar.
It's filling contains the venom of a
nearly extinct snake from my homeland.
Almost like the puffer fish from Japan.
Small doses are a delicacy.
Overindulgence is a grave error.
It is such a shame you most
likely tossed this card into the trash.
"Just like you did to my heart."
Huh.
Hello?
Jeremy. How nice to hear from you.
No. Stephanie can't come to the phone
right now. Um... She's not feeling well.
Sure! Just give me a little bit.
I'd love to go see a movie.
Anybody! Please, call the police! Anybody!
Alice... Alice... Alice...
Where is everybody?
What the fuck are those things?
HEY!
Disquiet!
Disregard.
Disabled.
Disappointing.
Help...
Oh, Discord!
Dissonance.
Dissension.
Please, call the police.
Disheveled.
Dispossessed.
Discombobulated.
They're coming. Three... I
actually don't know what they are.
Disinformation.
Disreputable.
Disambiguation.
What?
No! Somebody stole my phone.
We need to go some place safe.
Oh, disillusioned.
Dismayed.
Disheartened.
Stop it! Stop it! This is serious!
Oh, disturbed.
Ah! Distressed!
Discontent!
Ooh!
What is wrong with you?
Okay, Okay. Uh... Dis... Dis...
- truction?
Disqualified!
Dissatisfying.
Dismal.
- Disengage.
- Would you shut the fuck up!
Please, I know one of has a
phone. Let me call the police.
Disgraceful.
Disloyal.
Dishonorable.
What the hell?
Mom. You're so beautiful.
Oh, sweet pea, you're a big girl now.
You can't sit on mom
anymore. You'll squish me.
Am I gonna be a woman soon?
Yes, sweet pea.
You'll be grown up and one
day you'll have your own kids.
And one day they'll be so big
they won't be able to sit on your lap.
Will I be as pretty as you, mom?
You'll be even prettier.
If I could only straighten your hair.
That's it, I give up. What
have you been doing?
I was playing outside with Rex.
That explains the mud.
Ow! It hurts mom. It's all tangled up.
Start by brushing in the
bottom and work your way up.
And gently.
I wish I had your hair. It's
so much prettier than mine.
I'll teach you how to take care of it.
I want to be a mom... and a dad.
Well, you can't be a dad, sweetness.
Why not?
Honey! Not so rough.
I wish I had your lips, too.
One day you'll look in the mirror and
you'll be so happy with
what you see. I promise.
Olivia, stop it! You're so rough today.
Where's your father? We'll
be late for our cocktail party.
Ouch! Stop it!
He and Tom took Rex out for a walk.
Honey, give me those earrings back.
No.
They're mine now. You have so many.
You can have them when we get
back from tonight. As a gift. Forever.
But now those are still mommy's.
Olivia?
Olivia?
Olivia, do you hear me?
What's up with you today?
Go to your room.
Olivia, go to your room!
You know what I want, mom?
Honey, put the scissors
down. That's very dangerous.
I want your hair.
This isn't funny, sweet pea.
I try and I try, mom, but no matter
what I do it's never as pretty as yours.
Olivia Sophie McArthur! You
stop this nonsense. RIGHT NOW!
Look how shiny it is.
How it flows in the air.
It's wonderful.
But mommy... let's play.
Hold still. I want more.
I want all of it.
I want your jacket, too.
JACOB! JACOB!
IN HERE, HELP ME!
He can't help you, mom.
TOM!
Where are they?
What have you done?
I love you mom. And I want you...
All to myself.
Oh my God! I totally forgot.
Your elegant, beautiful, amazing, long...
FINGERS!
NO!!! STOP!!!
See, mama? I can still sit on your lap.
I love you mom.
You're mine.
All mine!
Mom? Mommy!
Mommy???
NO! God, no!
I told him not to move!
Stay with me. No! God no!
I told him NOT TO MOVE!
No! NO! NO!
Why did you do that?
No, baby no!
Oh my God, NO!
What did you do?! WHAT DID YOU DO???
We were pulled over for a broken taillight.
My boyfriend went to get his
wallet, and the police shot him!
I told him not to move.
You told him to get his license and
registration. And that's what he was doing.
I told him not to move.
He shouldn't have moved.
That's it!
We're going to need
another unit for crowd control.
I need you guys to back away from the
car, please. Just back away from the car.
Did you seriously just shoot him?
What the hell?
And here's more of them.
Do you really need all these fucking cops?
Why do you hate us so much?
You always kill us every goddamn
chance you get. And get away with it!
GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CRIME SCENE!
Fucking coward!
Get your fucking hands off me.
He can't wait
to kill another minority!
Get outta here! MOVE!
How many times is
this going to fucking happen?
The guy is laying
in his cold fucking blood,
and you guys are here terrorizing us!
Honest officer, it was an accident.
My pants just fell down when I
was walking in front of those nuns.
Three times?
It was windy out.
Go on.
They were asking for it.
What's up big bro? Damn. They give
you the chief's office or something?
I wish. You get the bathroom.
What's the matter? Why the long face?
They got me entering these BOLOs and personnel
orders until after the shooting clears.
Frankly, it is fucking killing me.
I was not meant for desk duty.
I know you weren't.
What's up?
Nothing, much man. You wanna
go grab some lunch? My treat.
Yeah. Let's do it. Let me get my gun.
What the hell?
What's the matter?
Some black fucking asshole
keeps screwing with me.
Hey, man keep your voice down.
What's going on, Mark. I don't see anyone.
You good? Huh?
Yeah.
Alright. Come on, I'm
hungry. Let's go, man.
So this one perp was
screaming he's innocent, right?
Next thing you know...
this guy's got a pound
of cocaine in his book bag.
Just goes to show how stupid
those goddamn Mexicans are.
You know you probably shouldn't
be heard saying anything like.
At least until the trial's over, man.
Eh, it's all bullshit. You know that.
So what the hell happened out there anyway?
You can read about it in the
report. I'm tired of telling the story.
You know, you once told me not to do
anything that would jeopardize my career.
You remember that?
So what now? Is this you giving it back?
That's what's going on?
My little brother's gonna help me.
What else should I be doing?
Should I eat my vegetables?
Go to church? What's my curfew?
I'm just saying there's a difference
between us and them, that's all.
White people and everyone else.
Crime statistics don't support that, man.
Oh you did not just "crime statistics" me.
Yeah. Every ethnic group
kills primarily their own.
White people kill the most white people.
Black people kill the most black people.
Asians, Mexicans, and so on.
You weren't crying that mess when the
Mexican gang was
kicking the shit outta you.
Oh come on, man. I was 15.
So what? I was the one that had to
raise you when Mom and Dad died.
I was the one that had to go intervene...
every time some Africoon, wetback,
or chink gang was whooping your ass.
It's like dad used to say, "All the animals
are in the zoo but they're separate".
The lions are separate from the gorillas,
separate from the giraffes, the birds, etc.
That's where we come in. We want
to make sure that somebody else's...
crime statistics don't bleed over
into someone else's lion cage.
It's only fair. We want to keep the
good white people with the white people...
the blacks with the blacks, etc.
I don't agree with that at all.
We're out there to serve
and protect everyone, Mark.
You are not that naive.
All police departments racially profile.
Don't tell me that you're driving down
the street in the middle of the night...
you see some black guy walking
through some white neighborhood.
You look at it and you go that is out
of place. You stop. You investigate...
and that's how we find things.
Well off the record...
did you kill that black guy on purpose?
What do you think?
I don't know, Mark. I don't know, man.
You tell me.
I guess you can just
read about it in the report.
You know like, it doesn't even matter.
These Africoons are going around killing
each other by the hundreds every year...
And what? You're... you're gonna
jump my shit for doing my job?
But that guy wasn't a criminal.
THAT'S NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE!
It was mine! I was on scene, not you!
He wasn't following my orders.
How was I supposed to know
that he's going for some papers...
and not a gun? It was my call to make.
I was on scene. Not you.
Look man, I'm just trying to...
Stop. What I would like
is to finish my dinner...
drink my drink and watch the
rest of the fight... with my brother.
But this. This conversation.
It's over. We're done.
Well, I got to admit it's getting
late. I think I'm gonna take off.
Oh, am I gonna see you
tomorrow at the task force
or are you going to be riding that desk.
I'll be there. Off the
books, but I'll be there.
Alright.
Can you handle
this? I gotta take a piss.
Whoa, I know you homie!
You're that fucking racist cop
that pop pop pop that black guy.
What did you just say to me?
I said you're that racist cop...
Get over here you fucking fruit-picker.
Hey, fuck you vato!
Turn around.
Why, so you can shoot me in the back, too?
- Turn around!
- Motherfucker!
What the fuck is wrong with
you, rolling up on me like that?
Oh, you're a tough guy when you
have a gun and no one else does.
Is that right? IS THAT RIGHT?
You want a gun? YOU WANT A FUCKING GUN?
You wanted it. There it is.
Do something.
Do something. Be a man.
PICK UP THE GUN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
I don't want to, ese.
Yes you do. You know
you want it. Do it! DO IT!
It's empty!
Odelay.
You fucked up, Holmes.
Hey hey hey...
You fucked up!
Mark, you alright?
NO!
Brian! No, Brian!
Why?
Why? Why did you do that?
Shots fired. Officer down.
Send units code.
Damn!
What did you find?
Nothing. The alley's all clear.
What? How can the alley be clear?
There's no one there. Not a goddamn thing.
Well, who shot them and what
the hell were they aiming at?
Beats the hell out of me.
Come on, man!
They don't have any surviving family.
Mark was a good officer.
He was no angel, but he was a good cop.
True. But between you and me...
He was a racist son of a bitch.
What are you talking about?
He had a black partner
back in 2000. Uhm... Johnson.
One time they were in
pursuit of a robbery suspect.
Guy runs into a building.
Johnson goes after him.
Mark decides to stay
behind and wait for backup.
Johnson goes in by himself without back up.
Winds up getting shot and killed.
Doesn't make any sense. Why
would he not backup his own partner?
He said it was too dangerous and he
claimed that he was waiting for backup.
But I'm saying that the real reason...
is that he wasn't going to
risk his life for a black partner.
Or a Mexican one, or an Asian one.
Anything new on the shooter?
Nothing yet.
No witnesses and
forensics has turned up zilch.
You'll always be remembered, brother.
Rest in peace. We have to watch from here.
Disoriented.
Disoriented.
Displaced.
Disheartened.
Dissssciple.
Disciple.
Disciple.
Disciple.
Oh sinner,
you better get ready...
Oh you better get ready, Hallelujah!
Sinner, you better get ready...
The times a'comin'
when the sinner must die.
I thought I heard all
the preachers say...
Times a'comin' when
the sinner must die.
You better get down
on your knees and pray...
Times a'comin' when
the sinner must die.
Oh sinner, you better get ready.
Oh you better get ready, Hallelujah!
Sinner, you better get ready.
The times a'comin' when
the sinner... must... die.
Dis... dis... dis!
Disrobe?
Disfigure?
Hmm.
Dis... embowel!
Dis?
I have a delivery for Alice Durante.
Help!
That's me! Please help me! I need help!
Are you Alice Durante?
Dis...
Dis...
Make sure you heed
the warning on this card.
Disappointing.
The fuck just happened?
The fuck...?
I dispel negative energy.
I invite good energy.
I am calm. I am...
ALICE!
Mom?
Jack?
Heresy.
Sophie! I heard you.
What the hell
you doing? Open the door.
Go away, Jack. I'm getting
dressed. I'm not gonna open the door.
Bullshit! Come on, open now.
Were you... Were you praying?
Witches can also be men.
No, of course not.
I was just talking to myself.
That's what you heard.
Yeah right. You can do whatever you want.
I just thought you learned
something from mom and dad.
See?
Leave!
I told you.
Hey!
Ignore him.
Come on, come back. I want to talk to you.
What? Look Jack, I don't
want to talk about it. I wasn't...
Do not deny it.
I'm not an idiot Sophie.
I know what I heard.
Plus you've been acting
kinda weird lately. Just admit it.
You want me to admit it?
Fine! Yes, I was praying.
Okay, are you happy now?
What's wrong with that?
No. Nothing's wrong with that.
I don't know, it's just very unlike you.
No need to explain.
You know nothing about me.
Sophie, come on. You're my sister.
Look, I'm sorry about
earlier. It was a joke.
No one in this family has ever shown
any interest in this kind of shi... thing.
And now what? All of a sudden
you're a devout Christian? Catholic?
Oh God, please don't
tell me Jehovah's Witness.
Heresy!
Things have changed. I've changed.
Okay, cool. So it's Jehovah's Witness huh?
Listen you fucking asshole...
It's none of your business. And even
if I told you, you wouldn't understand.
Seriously? Okay, so help me understand.
All jokes aside I'm worried about you.
I've heard you before.
This isn't the first time.
So now you're spying on me?
Sophie, you're not listening
to me. Stop being so dramatic.
I just want to know
why you're acting like this.
What was that reaction?
I'm your brother. I...
ENOUGH!
What was that?
Sophie?
Sophie.
Sophie, are you o... kay?
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. You
were right. It's none of my business.
There's nothing wrong with
religion, praying, any of it.
Did you just say something?
Ahhh! What the hell?
Ahhh! My God!
Jack! My God! What happened?
It was Sophie!
What do you mean? Where is she?
Mom!
Sophie?
Heresy!
Sophie?
Honey?
Soph, are you here?
Sophie?
Oh my God! Baby no!
Soph.
Sophie. My God, baby are you okay?
Baby are you okay?
Mom?
What happened?
Mom?
Nothing baby.
We're all okay now.
Forgive me Father. I have sinned.
Did you make it look like an accident?
Yes. I did.
Then all will
be forgiven my child.
Has my debt been repaid?
Not quite. You have one more.
No. I don't know if I can do it anymore.
My dear, remember our arrangement.
I know, but I didn't know
it was gonna be so many.
Your mother committed a mortal sin.
If she were to be forgiven, it
would only be through your efforts.
By killing people.
By helping marked souls
find their way to the afterlife.
No. No more. I can't.
You must. If you want to help your mother.
She made her choice. I
cannot help her anymore.
So you have made yours.
But I still need... one more.
What the hell is this?
MOM!
Hello?
Hey sis! Thanks so
much for putting this together.
You would not
believe traffic on the way over.
Can I help you?
You can help me dig
into whatever cake you got in there.
Is everyone already inside?
How do you know what
we're doing here tonight?
I think I'd remember
my own birthday party.
Susan? What's wrong? Was
it supposed to be a surprise? I'm sorry.
I don't know who you are, or
what kind of sick game this is,
but you need to leave right now.
But... but it's
me. Why are you doing this?
Don't you think I know what my
own sister looks like, you stupid bitch?
What's going on out there?
Nothing, I'll take care of it.
Mom, help!
Susan doesn't recognize me.
I think she might need
to go to the hospital.
GET OUT! I'm calling the police right now.
Where's my phone?
Dad?
Oh my God,
I'm so glad you're here.
Susan won't let me in
and it's like she doesn't recognize me.
Excuse me, do I know you?
What? How can you...
You must be one of Brandy's friends.
I don't mean to be rude it's just
that under the circumstances...
I didn't think that Susan would be
inviting over anybody outside of family.
Anyway, I'm Brandy's father.
Was. Was her father.
Dammit.
Fuck!
It's... It's
okay. Nice to meet you.
How did you know Brandy, anyway?
Uh... We acted
together at Sacred Fools.
Another actress. Boy,
she sure loved that theater.
Dad.
Dad, come inside.
This crazy bitch thinks she's Brandy.
What?
Come inside!
No, no no.
Please, let me explain. Please.
Get out!
You have to
listen! Please! It's really me!
I'll break your goddamn foot!
AH! AH! AH!
Why'd you do that?
Don't you recognize me? Ahhh!
What? What's this? What is this?
Memories of our daughter.
Why?
She disappeared. A year ago.
We never found her, so we just wanted
to celebrate her birthday one last time.
But I'm right here!
This! This is
me. Brandy! Your daughter.
See!
No. No no no no.
This isn't my face. Something must have...
Ahhh!
Monster!
What the fuck???
My fucking head popped off!
What did you guys do to me?
Wait. I think I just figured
out why you guys are confused.
Yeah, it's all coming back now.
I may have gotten
into a smudge of devil worship.
I think I sold my
soul for some more acting ability
or something crazy like that.
Oops!
You guys are
okay with that, right?
Uh huh.
Yeah, of course.
Sure.
Absolutely, honey.
Sorry, it just slipped my mind.
Now things are gonna go
back to the way they were. Right?
Yes! Right! Uh huh! Absolutely!
I'm still Brandy. Got it?
Of course, yeah.
Good!
Now tell me you
love me no matter what.
We... we... we love you...
Take it! And
say it like you mean it.
We love you. No matter what.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
This is everything I'd hoped for!
I done bailing
your dumb ass out of jail.
It was an accident. It was windy out.
Oh shut up! You and your nun boner.
Makes this whole operation look bad.
And take this shit off. This is offensive.
It's funny. We're demons.
I'm a demon, but I'm woke.
Help! Please! Help me.
Oh God.
Oh, it's a motivated seller.
Yeah, no. She's not ours. Ignore her.
"Not ours" as in what?
As in hands-off, "Sister Act".
Make an egress.
Make a... What the fuck?
Remember when you
used to work for me and...
Egress. Now!
Make you make an egress.
Please call the police.
I'm being chased by these...
and the women with the...
Please, call the police.
Yeah, sorry lady. It's not our department.
Try the next floor.
Next what? Come on! Come
on! Why is this happening?
Don't ask the questions
if you don't want the answers.
What does that mean?
What the hell does this shit even mean?
Poor little Alice.
Poor little
Alice fell down the hole...
Bumped her
head, and bruised her soul
Alice... Alice...
Alice...
Alice... Alice... Alice...
Mommy? Mommy?
"Midway
along the journey of our life..."
"I woke to find myself in a dark wood..."
"for I had wandered
from the straight path."
Interesting how it changes from
plural to singular in the same sentence.
Or am I misreading that?
Listen lady, I have about
had it with all this crazy shit.
So just give me my phone
and I won't have to hurt you.
Oh, Alice. You can't hurt me anymore.
You don't know me.
Midway along the
journey of OUR life, Alice.
Alice... Alice... Alice...
STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!!!
Time to wake up.
Time to come out of the forest.
No! No, this is not real!
Time to atone.
What are you?
Everything you could have been.
I was
going to be a crisis counselor.
I was going to
tap dance on all seven continents.
I was going
to create the perfect dating app.
I was going to
volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.
I was going to
drive an ice cream truck / book mobile.
I was
going to be a public defender.
I was going
to negotiate U.N. peace treaties.
And I wanted to be a teacher.
This isn't real.
But you threw us in the deep, deep dark...
so you could bask in
the light of the real world.
This isn't... No, I crashed and I
am unconscious on the freeway.
You don't get off that easy.
You betrayed us. And for what?
Alice...
Alice...
Ms. Durante...
You sold us out to them.
A company that makes useless junk.
A family that doesn't respect you.
A man that treats you like garbage.
Yes.
YES!
Because that's real life. And you are not.
You are little girl dreams. Teenage dreams.
You were never going to come true. EVER!!!
Why not?
Because dreams are HARD!
And trying is scary, and...
and failing hurts!
And...
I am done. With whatever this is.
Hallucination. Ghost of
Christmas Whatever-the-Fuck.
I don't care!
I am going back to my
real world, RIGHT NOW!
Fine.
Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it.
The ice cream and the world peace.
Everything. I'll do all of it.
First thing in the morning.
Just give me my phone...
and let me go home.
Alright.
Let me just take one selfie first.
Okay, look, look, my poppers are good.
Okay? They are FDA approved...
and when you take 'em, you
can spell like a kid on Adderall.
That's bullshit.
Ahh. Spell juxtaposition.
J-u-x-t-a-p-o-s-i-t-i-o-n
Juxtaposition!
Probably.
Dammit!
You have 3 new messages.
Ms. Durante, management received
your request for a salary increase...
and it has been declined.
Also we are terminating the
inspirational app and novelty division...
so your services will
no longer be required.
Please clean out your desk this weekend.
On Monday we will send
out a letter of dismissal...
Alice,
did you tell your stepfather
you weren't going to pay for his new tires?
You can afford it. You're getting a raise.
I don't know how that boyfriend
of yours puts up with you.
Sometimes you're such a
disappointment...
Hey Alice,
so I know we had plans for tonight...
but something came up.
Um... I'm gonna be on late tonight.
Shit!
I just spilled Muscle
Milk all over the couch.
Look, I'm already late so can you
clean this up when you get home?
It's really disgusting...
FUCK!!!
I dispel negative energy...
I invite only good energy.
I am calm. I am centered.
How is this my life?
I am calm. I am centered...
I am fucked!
No! Not my phone! Not my phone!
Fucking shoes!
Not today, you red bitch!
You stole from the wrong...
the wrong...
Aaaalice...
Alice...
Alice... Alice... Alice...
ALICE!!!
What the hell?
I'm dialing 911. I've got
a gun in here so stay back!
Just stay back!
Alice... Alice... Alice...
Give it to me.
Give it to me you piece of shit!
Fuck you man!
Hey kid!
What?
Hey there! Damn! You look
like you been to hell already...
and you just got here.
Here? What the fuck is this, man?
Turn on the light.
The light is on.
You didn't pay the light bill?
And here is home sweet home.
Now it may not be what
you're accustomed to...
but I'm sure you'll get
used to it at some point.
What the fuck are you talkin' about man?
Look, this guy was chasing me.
Trying to get my bag and shit.
But if you just show
me where the door is...
I swear you'll never see my face again
man. Like I'm not with that fuck shit.
Oh, shit indeed. We all
have our share of shit, son...
But you know the shit you're
carrying around, it's a heavy load.
It's about time you let it go.
Nah, I'm good. It's light as a
feather. Where'd you say the door was?
You got to give it up,
son. It's not too late.
I'm not your fuckin' son!
Door's right there.
Alright old man. But next time
you try to preach somebody...
make sure you pay your
fuckin' light bill, man.
It's pathetic.
The fuck am I?
Back so soon?
What the fuck? What the fuck was that man?
The guy that was chasing me showed
up in the desert and now I'm here.
That's that heavy load you're carrying.
All doors lead to the same place. You
gotta get rid of that heavy weight, boy.
I'm trying to help you.
So what do you want me to do?
You want me to stand here
and just tell you my sins?
Who the fuck are you?
You know, I see a little of myself in you.
Hard-headed.
Nobody could tell me shit. Then one day...
it all came to an end.
You don't know shit about me
with your old washed-up ass!
Oh, so that wasn't you?
That wasn't you who
robbed the jewelry store?
That wasn't you who raped those women?
That wasn't you who
murdered his own brother?
That wasn't you???
Man, FUCK YOU!
Oh!
Are you ready to face the truth?
It's scary, I know. But
nothing's gonna change...
unless you let go. Just let go.
So what are you saying old man?
If I give you my stuff then I'm free to go?
It's just that simple. You
sit here and you just purge.
You know, a confessional if you will.
Well, here's my fuckin' confession.
My parents were both crackheads...
and they ain't give a shit about me.
Yeah I sold drugs. But that
robbery, it was necessary.
And that bitch, she wanted it.
Ultimately, I did what
I had to do to survive.
Okay am I done now? Can I go?
It's a start.
If you knew me, then you would know this
is the part where you kiss my black ass.
Give it to me you piece of shit!
Fuck you!
OH!
Fuck you old man! You want the bag?
Are you satisfied?
You've gone behind every door available...
and still... no prize.
Give it here son.
The only thing it's caused
you is a ton of trouble.
So that's it? I'm free to go?
That's it.
Michael will show you out.
Who?
I know.
But it's part of the job, man.
Do you remember flight quarter? Yeah.
So you know how thorough we had to...
Yeah. I'm here. I think I
just found something. Hold on.
Must be my lucky day.
Mr. Jones...
I think I found our murder weapon.
I said, I...
Did it hurt?
I'm sorry?
When you fell from heaven? Did it hurt?
It's a pick-up line. I'm
seducing you. This is seduction.
You must have me mistaken for someone else.
Have a good day.
That makes me sad. I thought
we could've had something.
Movie night, sex, text
fighting, makeup sex.
It's okay to want that.
You're a man, not a robot.
Or are you a robot? Beep Boop Beep.
Do I know you?
I sell needs for Dante's Delivery.
Sometimes pills, sometimes my body.
You're gonna have to give
me stupid green paper for that,
but you can always make more.
I'm Barnaby.
I'm Clementine.
And you don't have to use a condom
with me cause I'll just miscarry.
Let's get high!
So this is awkward. I'm
raising your pill prices.
$5 for 20 and $500 for each date night.
A.K.A. fucking.
I can't afford that.
Maybe we should break up then.
But I love you!
I don't know Barnaby. If you can't pay me
what I'm worth then we should just end it.
Here. Don't overdose, okay? I'll feel bad.
God! I hate Clementine.
Fuckin' hate her!
Gets me hooked on drugs,
making me buy her love.
I'd sell my soul for true love.
Girl problems huh?
I could find you a girl that will
love you for the rest of your life...
in exchange for your soul.
I need my soul.
No you don't.
Yes I do.
No you don't. You know need your soul.
Penny here, she thought
she needed her soul.
Penny sold her soul to me.
She's never been happier.
I sold my soul to commit murder.
I could stab you in a police
station and get away with it.
You see Barnaby, you could either do
this the true-love-sell-your-soul way...
or we could do it Penny's way.
Uh... true love
Great. I have a contract
for you right here.
It's on my tablet, it's all automated.
We make going to hell very easy for you.
So just sign away. We have
a few electronic signatures.
Initial... date... initial... sign.
Below that you'll have to
initial. Scroll to page 3...
Date... Page 2... Scroll down.
Date...
Page 2 scroll down.
Yeah.
Scroll up and electronic
signature and we should be set.
Let's see here. Okay terrific.
We'll send you a dream lover very soon.
Thank you guys.
Bye bye.
We'll be seeing you
Barnaby. See you real soon.
Ring around the rosy,
a pocket full of posies...
Ashes... ashes... We all fall...
DOWN!!!
Barnaby! I'm so glad we're back together.
I need new tires on my car,
so I'll let you fuck me for $460.
That covers the front and
the back. So that means
that you can fuck me
from the front and the back.
Right here?
Barnaby! There you are my love.
Hi!
I'm Lilith.
And if you ever talk to my man again, I
will beat you to death with a sledgehammer.
I'm sorry, I don't speak
weirdo-she-devil-slut.
Do you know who the fuck I
am? You're Clementine Sanders.
You're a 26 year old pill pusher,
and an STD filled white-trash hooker...
that lives in the back of a van because of
credit debt from a vitamin pyramid scheme.
Ugh!
You're not real.
I think I'm real.
I think can pat my head and
rub my tummy at the same time.
And I think I give the best hugs.
I'll explain everything.
Barnaby, inside with me!
You fixed my wing. You're
like a... like a wing fixer
Yes, I am.
So, I died 2 years ago.
The Wormwood Brothers kidnapped
me after Christmas karaoke.
Then chained me to a radiator and they made
me their three-month battered fuck doll.
When they got tired of me, they barb-wired
weights to my ankles
and threw me in the river.
After I drowned I made a deal
with the Devil to bring me back.
So a week later, I wake up
in a morgue, and I walk out...
And I tortured them to
death for three months.
But I got something better than revenge.
Barnaby. You're the best
deal with the Devil I ever made.
I love you more than pills.
I'll get you clean.
Look, it's a blackbird.
- Let me kill Clementine.
- No.
Come on! Rainbow Cunt turns
my Barnabug into an addict.
I'm just supposed to stand by?
I want blood!
Ooh, I'll cut her open for ya.
Shut up psycho.
Fucking whore!
Wow, you two are catty. Meow!
I will give you
Clementine's supplier. Deal?
- Deal.
- Good.
What do you want in return?
I would like a mayonnaise sandwich.
That's gross.
Yeah, you're gross.
You're fucking gross.
Fuck you! That's still gross.
Bye bye.
I got you a one day anniversary gift!
Is it a gift card?
No.
Is it a new puppy?
No.
Are we gonna have a threesome on day one?
TA DA! It's Clementine's supplier.
This is Daisy the Dealer. She's been
pushing opiates on your back alley slut.
Let's get one thing straight here. I am
a pharmaceutical representative, okay.
I sell samples to hookers and fuck doctors
for contracts... but it's sales, man.
I beat Daisy with a crowbar and then
I poured gasoline down her throat...
and I'm going to set her
pretty little insides on fire.
That's for me. For you...
we're going to flush your pills.
Hey no. No no no. Can we not?
Okay, if you let me go, I'll quit selling.
I will, I don't even like doing it.
I don't even like doing it. I
don't like making the six figures.
I don't like the exotic cruises.
I gotta buy a new bikini like every
week, it's awful on my bank account.
I should be like you guys.
I could live here in this rapey garage...
and we could eat instant noodles...
and masturbate at the wall!
Okay. That looks like fun!
Let me have some of
that. I want to be that guy.
Come on, I can so be that guy.
You know, we could do it together.
Yeah?
Yeah! He already likes it.
Oh he does. Alright, open your mouth.
Fuck!
Barnaby, why do you look so sad?
Does it burn? I got a pill for that.
No!
Fine! I'll just make it
easy. No fun for me.
Woo! I love you, Barnaby.
I would like to request a refund.
It doesn't work that way.
Uh, well can I get
Clementine to love me instead?
The trailer-trash hooker
that got you addicted to pills?
Mhm, that's the one.
Alright.
Click that activation
email and you're all set.
Can I get a gun for protection?
Yeah. It's loaded. Have fun.
Thanks.
I need to make Barnaby love me.
That's fine. 20 bucks.
Alright, just remember
to click that activation link.
Oh, Clementine's ours now.
Do whatever you want to her.
Can I have a sledgehammer?
It's my wedding day.
Ring
around the rosy...
So, I did something kinda crazy.
The church down the street does
these pedophile anonymous meetings...
and I needed to let off some
steam, so I killed them all.
And now when we get married in the
church, their ghosts will be our guests.
And I like three cups of coffee!
That's three too many.
Barnaby!
Put down the gun.
Give me the gun!
Oh God! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just need to check my email.
It's just a flesh wound.
I'll take you to the hospital.
Arrgh! Fucking Google.
I just have to get a confirmation
text and then I confirm my password.
Barnaby! Please let me
in. I love you so much.
I'll even let you fuck
me for free. Barnaby!
Barnaby?
Barnaby where are you?
In a
cavern... in a canyon...
Excavating for a mine...
Barnaby, where are you?
Dwelt a miner...
49er... and his daughter...
Clementine.
Hi.
Oh my darlin'... Oh my darlin'
Oh my darlin' Clementine
You are lost and gone forever...
Dreadful sorry, Clemen... TINE!
I love you so much.
Did you hear that, Clementine?
Barnaby says he loves me now.
You want him to have your heart?
I'm going to cut it out you fucking bitch.
We have to get to the
church. Our guests are waiting.
There's no time Barnabug.
You're not gonna make it.
I don't want to die.
It's okay, Barnabug.
We're going home.
I have something for you.
She would do anything to be an actress.
Wow! Well anyone could be an actress
but it takes selling your
soul to make it on Broadway.
Is that what you want?
Intermissions? Old people?
Fuck it! What could go wrong?
Alright. Here is your contract. It's
all electronic now. Just sign up there.
Initial. Date. We used to
use fax, now that was Hell!
Sign it. Sign it.
Sign it.
Sign. Date. Initial.
Alright, we're all set, and
I'll see you in Hell very soon.
Not if I see you first, fuckers!
The mouth on her.
I love you.
And I... really enjoy your company.
Yay!
I'm going to get drunk by myself now, so...
Let's go.
By myself.
Did you drink all the milk again?
It's not like you need all of it.
Did you seriously eat all of these?
Pig!
Well, my mom sent them for my birthday,
and I thought that just this once...
See, this is why you're home
alone on a Saturday night...
and I'm going out with whoever I want.
Nobody wants a fatty.
I wish you wouldn't say that.
Just keep listening to
me, stop screwing up...
and you'll have someone
to screw by the summer.
So who's the lucky guy tonight?
Alex?
No. Been over him for weeks now.
Jim?
Nope, not this time.
Jeremy?
No! He's so out of rotation.
I liked him
He's out of your league.
Kyle?
Chris?
Andrew?
That weird foreign guy. Where was from?
Oh, Mauricio. My Brazilian
powder puff of a man.
I thought he was rather nice.
Things were going well, I guess, but I need
a little more financial incentive there.
My time doesn't come cheap
and there are so many others
who make seeing them worth my while.
He doesn't buy flowers,
gifts, jewelry, or anything!
I need to know that my man is
willing to value me as I deserve.
So it's over then?
No, not yet. I told him I was
going out with Tom tonight..
And if he really wants me back you
can put his money where his mouth is.
So if he buys you something you'll take it
easy and just go out with him for awhile?
Of course not. But I'll
stop rubbing it in his face...
that I have a ton of guys ready
to party at any given minute.
Just keep listening to me, stick to your
diet, and you can have two or three guys.
Eventually
I don't think I want that
many at any one time.
It's too early for that to be Tom.
You know, if it's anyone else just tell
them I'm sick and I can't come to the door.
Can I help you?
Are you Stephanie?
No, she's... not feeling well.
Oh. Well, I have a delivery
from a Mauricio del...
See, Becky. What did I tell
you? It works every time.
Are these Godiva chocolates?
Something rare. A delicacy.
I've never seen these in the U.S. before.
Not too shabby then. What are
the flavors? Are there any fillings?
Something wonderful and different.
Although, you should
only eat one at a time.
Especially for your size.
Look, Bozo, you're here to deliver chocolates
not take some cheap shot at my weight.
It's not like I'm Becky's size, here.
Look, I'm sorry. She just doesn't get it.
Ah, no need.
Pretty girls like her, they get a
few breaks from an old man like me.
Someday her luck will run out.
You tell her to be careful.
Heed the warning on this card.
Thanks.
Those are some interesting chocolates.
That boy must have some
strong feelings towards her.
Maybe you should listen that delivery guy.
That weirdo? Something about
savoring life and going slow? No way.
Well, what about maintaining a diet?
When you look like me, you can have it all.
What does it taste like?
Heavenly!
Kind of like a mint flavor.
Kind of makes my tongue tingle.
You going to read the card?
No, you go ahead.
I'll text him later and
thank him for his generosity.
"Dear Stephanie, it took some time but I
was able to get you the rarest delicacy..."
I knew of from my hometown. You
may not think me worthy of your interest...
but I believe that everyone
gets what they deserve in the end.
This chocolate is not like
your average Hershey bar.
It's filling contains the venom of a
nearly extinct snake from my homeland.
Almost like the puffer fish from Japan.
Small doses are a delicacy.
Overindulgence is a grave error.
It is such a shame you most
likely tossed this card into the trash.
"Just like you did to my heart."
Huh.
Hello?
Jeremy. How nice to hear from you.
No. Stephanie can't come to the phone
right now. Um... She's not feeling well.
Sure! Just give me a little bit.
I'd love to go see a movie.
Anybody! Please, call the police! Anybody!
Alice... Alice... Alice...
Where is everybody?
What the fuck are those things?
HEY!
Disquiet!
Disregard.
Disabled.
Disappointing.
Help...
Oh, Discord!
Dissonance.
Dissension.
Please, call the police.
Disheveled.
Dispossessed.
Discombobulated.
They're coming. Three... I
actually don't know what they are.
Disinformation.
Disreputable.
Disambiguation.
What?
No! Somebody stole my phone.
We need to go some place safe.
Oh, disillusioned.
Dismayed.
Disheartened.
Stop it! Stop it! This is serious!
Oh, disturbed.
Ah! Distressed!
Discontent!
Ooh!
What is wrong with you?
Okay, Okay. Uh... Dis... Dis...
- truction?
Disqualified!
Dissatisfying.
Dismal.
- Disengage.
- Would you shut the fuck up!
Please, I know one of has a
phone. Let me call the police.
Disgraceful.
Disloyal.
Dishonorable.
What the hell?
Mom. You're so beautiful.
Oh, sweet pea, you're a big girl now.
You can't sit on mom
anymore. You'll squish me.
Am I gonna be a woman soon?
Yes, sweet pea.
You'll be grown up and one
day you'll have your own kids.
And one day they'll be so big
they won't be able to sit on your lap.
Will I be as pretty as you, mom?
You'll be even prettier.
If I could only straighten your hair.
That's it, I give up. What
have you been doing?
I was playing outside with Rex.
That explains the mud.
Ow! It hurts mom. It's all tangled up.
Start by brushing in the
bottom and work your way up.
And gently.
I wish I had your hair. It's
so much prettier than mine.
I'll teach you how to take care of it.
I want to be a mom... and a dad.
Well, you can't be a dad, sweetness.
Why not?
Honey! Not so rough.
I wish I had your lips, too.
One day you'll look in the mirror and
you'll be so happy with
what you see. I promise.
Olivia, stop it! You're so rough today.
Where's your father? We'll
be late for our cocktail party.
Ouch! Stop it!
He and Tom took Rex out for a walk.
Honey, give me those earrings back.
No.
They're mine now. You have so many.
You can have them when we get
back from tonight. As a gift. Forever.
But now those are still mommy's.
Olivia?
Olivia?
Olivia, do you hear me?
What's up with you today?
Go to your room.
Olivia, go to your room!
You know what I want, mom?
Honey, put the scissors
down. That's very dangerous.
I want your hair.
This isn't funny, sweet pea.
I try and I try, mom, but no matter
what I do it's never as pretty as yours.
Olivia Sophie McArthur! You
stop this nonsense. RIGHT NOW!
Look how shiny it is.
How it flows in the air.
It's wonderful.
But mommy... let's play.
Hold still. I want more.
I want all of it.
I want your jacket, too.
JACOB! JACOB!
IN HERE, HELP ME!
He can't help you, mom.
TOM!
Where are they?
What have you done?
I love you mom. And I want you...
All to myself.
Oh my God! I totally forgot.
Your elegant, beautiful, amazing, long...
FINGERS!
NO!!! STOP!!!
See, mama? I can still sit on your lap.
I love you mom.
You're mine.
All mine!
Mom? Mommy!
Mommy???
NO! God, no!
I told him not to move!
Stay with me. No! God no!
I told him NOT TO MOVE!
No! NO! NO!
Why did you do that?
No, baby no!
Oh my God, NO!
What did you do?! WHAT DID YOU DO???
We were pulled over for a broken taillight.
My boyfriend went to get his
wallet, and the police shot him!
I told him not to move.
You told him to get his license and
registration. And that's what he was doing.
I told him not to move.
He shouldn't have moved.
That's it!
We're going to need
another unit for crowd control.
I need you guys to back away from the
car, please. Just back away from the car.
Did you seriously just shoot him?
What the hell?
And here's more of them.
Do you really need all these fucking cops?
Why do you hate us so much?
You always kill us every goddamn
chance you get. And get away with it!
GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CRIME SCENE!
Fucking coward!
Get your fucking hands off me.
He can't wait
to kill another minority!
Get outta here! MOVE!
How many times is
this going to fucking happen?
The guy is laying
in his cold fucking blood,
and you guys are here terrorizing us!
Honest officer, it was an accident.
My pants just fell down when I
was walking in front of those nuns.
Three times?
It was windy out.
Go on.
They were asking for it.
What's up big bro? Damn. They give
you the chief's office or something?
I wish. You get the bathroom.
What's the matter? Why the long face?
They got me entering these BOLOs and personnel
orders until after the shooting clears.
Frankly, it is fucking killing me.
I was not meant for desk duty.
I know you weren't.
What's up?
Nothing, much man. You wanna
go grab some lunch? My treat.
Yeah. Let's do it. Let me get my gun.
What the hell?
What's the matter?
Some black fucking asshole
keeps screwing with me.
Hey, man keep your voice down.
What's going on, Mark. I don't see anyone.
You good? Huh?
Yeah.
Alright. Come on, I'm
hungry. Let's go, man.
So this one perp was
screaming he's innocent, right?
Next thing you know...
this guy's got a pound
of cocaine in his book bag.
Just goes to show how stupid
those goddamn Mexicans are.
You know you probably shouldn't
be heard saying anything like.
At least until the trial's over, man.
Eh, it's all bullshit. You know that.
So what the hell happened out there anyway?
You can read about it in the
report. I'm tired of telling the story.
You know, you once told me not to do
anything that would jeopardize my career.
You remember that?
So what now? Is this you giving it back?
That's what's going on?
My little brother's gonna help me.
What else should I be doing?
Should I eat my vegetables?
Go to church? What's my curfew?
I'm just saying there's a difference
between us and them, that's all.
White people and everyone else.
Crime statistics don't support that, man.
Oh you did not just "crime statistics" me.
Yeah. Every ethnic group
kills primarily their own.
White people kill the most white people.
Black people kill the most black people.
Asians, Mexicans, and so on.
You weren't crying that mess when the
Mexican gang was
kicking the shit outta you.
Oh come on, man. I was 15.
So what? I was the one that had to
raise you when Mom and Dad died.
I was the one that had to go intervene...
every time some Africoon, wetback,
or chink gang was whooping your ass.
It's like dad used to say, "All the animals
are in the zoo but they're separate".
The lions are separate from the gorillas,
separate from the giraffes, the birds, etc.
That's where we come in. We want
to make sure that somebody else's...
crime statistics don't bleed over
into someone else's lion cage.
It's only fair. We want to keep the
good white people with the white people...
the blacks with the blacks, etc.
I don't agree with that at all.
We're out there to serve
and protect everyone, Mark.
You are not that naive.
All police departments racially profile.
Don't tell me that you're driving down
the street in the middle of the night...
you see some black guy walking
through some white neighborhood.
You look at it and you go that is out
of place. You stop. You investigate...
and that's how we find things.
Well off the record...
did you kill that black guy on purpose?
What do you think?
I don't know, Mark. I don't know, man.
You tell me.
I guess you can just
read about it in the report.
You know like, it doesn't even matter.
These Africoons are going around killing
each other by the hundreds every year...
And what? You're... you're gonna
jump my shit for doing my job?
But that guy wasn't a criminal.
THAT'S NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE!
It was mine! I was on scene, not you!
He wasn't following my orders.
How was I supposed to know
that he's going for some papers...
and not a gun? It was my call to make.
I was on scene. Not you.
Look man, I'm just trying to...
Stop. What I would like
is to finish my dinner...
drink my drink and watch the
rest of the fight... with my brother.
But this. This conversation.
It's over. We're done.
Well, I got to admit it's getting
late. I think I'm gonna take off.
Oh, am I gonna see you
tomorrow at the task force
or are you going to be riding that desk.
I'll be there. Off the
books, but I'll be there.
Alright.
Can you handle
this? I gotta take a piss.
Whoa, I know you homie!
You're that fucking racist cop
that pop pop pop that black guy.
What did you just say to me?
I said you're that racist cop...
Get over here you fucking fruit-picker.
Hey, fuck you vato!
Turn around.
Why, so you can shoot me in the back, too?
- Turn around!
- Motherfucker!
What the fuck is wrong with
you, rolling up on me like that?
Oh, you're a tough guy when you
have a gun and no one else does.
Is that right? IS THAT RIGHT?
You want a gun? YOU WANT A FUCKING GUN?
You wanted it. There it is.
Do something.
Do something. Be a man.
PICK UP THE GUN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
I don't want to, ese.
Yes you do. You know
you want it. Do it! DO IT!
It's empty!
Odelay.
You fucked up, Holmes.
Hey hey hey...
You fucked up!
Mark, you alright?
NO!
Brian! No, Brian!
Why?
Why? Why did you do that?
Shots fired. Officer down.
Send units code.
Damn!
What did you find?
Nothing. The alley's all clear.
What? How can the alley be clear?
There's no one there. Not a goddamn thing.
Well, who shot them and what
the hell were they aiming at?
Beats the hell out of me.
Come on, man!
They don't have any surviving family.
Mark was a good officer.
He was no angel, but he was a good cop.
True. But between you and me...
He was a racist son of a bitch.
What are you talking about?
He had a black partner
back in 2000. Uhm... Johnson.
One time they were in
pursuit of a robbery suspect.
Guy runs into a building.
Johnson goes after him.
Mark decides to stay
behind and wait for backup.
Johnson goes in by himself without back up.
Winds up getting shot and killed.
Doesn't make any sense. Why
would he not backup his own partner?
He said it was too dangerous and he
claimed that he was waiting for backup.
But I'm saying that the real reason...
is that he wasn't going to
risk his life for a black partner.
Or a Mexican one, or an Asian one.
Anything new on the shooter?
Nothing yet.
No witnesses and
forensics has turned up zilch.
You'll always be remembered, brother.
Rest in peace. We have to watch from here.
Disoriented.
Disoriented.
Displaced.
Disheartened.
Dissssciple.
Disciple.
Disciple.
Disciple.
Oh sinner,
you better get ready...
Oh you better get ready, Hallelujah!
Sinner, you better get ready...
The times a'comin'
when the sinner must die.
I thought I heard all
the preachers say...
Times a'comin' when
the sinner must die.
You better get down
on your knees and pray...
Times a'comin' when
the sinner must die.
Oh sinner, you better get ready.
Oh you better get ready, Hallelujah!
Sinner, you better get ready.
The times a'comin' when
the sinner... must... die.
Dis... dis... dis!
Disrobe?
Disfigure?
Hmm.
Dis... embowel!
Dis?
I have a delivery for Alice Durante.
Help!
That's me! Please help me! I need help!
Are you Alice Durante?
Dis...
Dis...
Make sure you heed
the warning on this card.
Disappointing.
The fuck just happened?
The fuck...?
I dispel negative energy.
I invite good energy.
I am calm. I am...
ALICE!
Mom?
Jack?
Heresy.
Sophie! I heard you.
What the hell
you doing? Open the door.
Go away, Jack. I'm getting
dressed. I'm not gonna open the door.
Bullshit! Come on, open now.
Were you... Were you praying?
Witches can also be men.
No, of course not.
I was just talking to myself.
That's what you heard.
Yeah right. You can do whatever you want.
I just thought you learned
something from mom and dad.
See?
Leave!
I told you.
Hey!
Ignore him.
Come on, come back. I want to talk to you.
What? Look Jack, I don't
want to talk about it. I wasn't...
Do not deny it.
I'm not an idiot Sophie.
I know what I heard.
Plus you've been acting
kinda weird lately. Just admit it.
You want me to admit it?
Fine! Yes, I was praying.
Okay, are you happy now?
What's wrong with that?
No. Nothing's wrong with that.
I don't know, it's just very unlike you.
No need to explain.
You know nothing about me.
Sophie, come on. You're my sister.
Look, I'm sorry about
earlier. It was a joke.
No one in this family has ever shown
any interest in this kind of shi... thing.
And now what? All of a sudden
you're a devout Christian? Catholic?
Oh God, please don't
tell me Jehovah's Witness.
Heresy!
Things have changed. I've changed.
Okay, cool. So it's Jehovah's Witness huh?
Listen you fucking asshole...
It's none of your business. And even
if I told you, you wouldn't understand.
Seriously? Okay, so help me understand.
All jokes aside I'm worried about you.
I've heard you before.
This isn't the first time.
So now you're spying on me?
Sophie, you're not listening
to me. Stop being so dramatic.
I just want to know
why you're acting like this.
What was that reaction?
I'm your brother. I...
ENOUGH!
What was that?
Sophie?
Sophie.
Sophie, are you o... kay?
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. You
were right. It's none of my business.
There's nothing wrong with
religion, praying, any of it.
Did you just say something?
Ahhh! What the hell?
Ahhh! My God!
Jack! My God! What happened?
It was Sophie!
What do you mean? Where is she?
Mom!
Sophie?
Heresy!
Sophie?
Honey?
Soph, are you here?
Sophie?
Oh my God! Baby no!
Soph.
Sophie. My God, baby are you okay?
Baby are you okay?
Mom?
What happened?
Mom?
Nothing baby.
We're all okay now.
Forgive me Father. I have sinned.
Did you make it look like an accident?
Yes. I did.
Then all will
be forgiven my child.
Has my debt been repaid?
Not quite. You have one more.
No. I don't know if I can do it anymore.
My dear, remember our arrangement.
I know, but I didn't know
it was gonna be so many.
Your mother committed a mortal sin.
If she were to be forgiven, it
would only be through your efforts.
By killing people.
By helping marked souls
find their way to the afterlife.
No. No more. I can't.
You must. If you want to help your mother.
She made her choice. I
cannot help her anymore.
So you have made yours.
But I still need... one more.
What the hell is this?
MOM!
Hello?
Hey sis! Thanks so
much for putting this together.
You would not
believe traffic on the way over.
Can I help you?
You can help me dig
into whatever cake you got in there.
Is everyone already inside?
How do you know what
we're doing here tonight?
I think I'd remember
my own birthday party.
Susan? What's wrong? Was
it supposed to be a surprise? I'm sorry.
I don't know who you are, or
what kind of sick game this is,
but you need to leave right now.
But... but it's
me. Why are you doing this?
Don't you think I know what my
own sister looks like, you stupid bitch?
What's going on out there?
Nothing, I'll take care of it.
Mom, help!
Susan doesn't recognize me.
I think she might need
to go to the hospital.
GET OUT! I'm calling the police right now.
Where's my phone?
Dad?
Oh my God,
I'm so glad you're here.
Susan won't let me in
and it's like she doesn't recognize me.
Excuse me, do I know you?
What? How can you...
You must be one of Brandy's friends.
I don't mean to be rude it's just
that under the circumstances...
I didn't think that Susan would be
inviting over anybody outside of family.
Anyway, I'm Brandy's father.
Was. Was her father.
Dammit.
Fuck!
It's... It's
okay. Nice to meet you.
How did you know Brandy, anyway?
Uh... We acted
together at Sacred Fools.
Another actress. Boy,
she sure loved that theater.
Dad.
Dad, come inside.
This crazy bitch thinks she's Brandy.
What?
Come inside!
No, no no.
Please, let me explain. Please.
Get out!
You have to
listen! Please! It's really me!
I'll break your goddamn foot!
AH! AH! AH!
Why'd you do that?
Don't you recognize me? Ahhh!
What? What's this? What is this?
Memories of our daughter.
Why?
She disappeared. A year ago.
We never found her, so we just wanted
to celebrate her birthday one last time.
But I'm right here!
This! This is
me. Brandy! Your daughter.
See!
No. No no no no.
This isn't my face. Something must have...
Ahhh!
Monster!
What the fuck???
My fucking head popped off!
What did you guys do to me?
Wait. I think I just figured
out why you guys are confused.
Yeah, it's all coming back now.
I may have gotten
into a smudge of devil worship.
I think I sold my
soul for some more acting ability
or something crazy like that.
Oops!
You guys are
okay with that, right?
Uh huh.
Yeah, of course.
Sure.
Absolutely, honey.
Sorry, it just slipped my mind.
Now things are gonna go
back to the way they were. Right?
Yes! Right! Uh huh! Absolutely!
I'm still Brandy. Got it?
Of course, yeah.
Good!
Now tell me you
love me no matter what.
We... we... we love you...
Take it! And
say it like you mean it.
We love you. No matter what.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
This is everything I'd hoped for!
I done bailing
your dumb ass out of jail.
It was an accident. It was windy out.
Oh shut up! You and your nun boner.
Makes this whole operation look bad.
And take this shit off. This is offensive.
It's funny. We're demons.
I'm a demon, but I'm woke.
Help! Please! Help me.
Oh God.
Oh, it's a motivated seller.
Yeah, no. She's not ours. Ignore her.
"Not ours" as in what?
As in hands-off, "Sister Act".
Make an egress.
Make a... What the fuck?
Remember when you
used to work for me and...
Egress. Now!
Make you make an egress.
Please call the police.
I'm being chased by these...
and the women with the...
Please, call the police.
Yeah, sorry lady. It's not our department.
Try the next floor.
Next what? Come on! Come
on! Why is this happening?
Don't ask the questions
if you don't want the answers.
What does that mean?
What the hell does this shit even mean?
Poor little Alice.
Poor little
Alice fell down the hole...
Bumped her
head, and bruised her soul
Alice... Alice...
Alice...
Alice... Alice... Alice...
Mommy? Mommy?
"Midway
along the journey of our life..."
"I woke to find myself in a dark wood..."
"for I had wandered
from the straight path."
Interesting how it changes from
plural to singular in the same sentence.
Or am I misreading that?
Listen lady, I have about
had it with all this crazy shit.
So just give me my phone
and I won't have to hurt you.
Oh, Alice. You can't hurt me anymore.
You don't know me.
Midway along the
journey of OUR life, Alice.
Alice... Alice... Alice...
STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!!!
Time to wake up.
Time to come out of the forest.
No! No, this is not real!
Time to atone.
What are you?
Everything you could have been.
I was
going to be a crisis counselor.
I was going to
tap dance on all seven continents.
I was going
to create the perfect dating app.
I was going to
volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.
I was going to
drive an ice cream truck / book mobile.
I was
going to be a public defender.
I was going
to negotiate U.N. peace treaties.
And I wanted to be a teacher.
This isn't real.
But you threw us in the deep, deep dark...
so you could bask in
the light of the real world.
This isn't... No, I crashed and I
am unconscious on the freeway.
You don't get off that easy.
You betrayed us. And for what?
Alice...
Alice...
Ms. Durante...
You sold us out to them.
A company that makes useless junk.
A family that doesn't respect you.
A man that treats you like garbage.
Yes.
YES!
Because that's real life. And you are not.
You are little girl dreams. Teenage dreams.
You were never going to come true. EVER!!!
Why not?
Because dreams are HARD!
And trying is scary, and...
and failing hurts!
And...
I am done. With whatever this is.
Hallucination. Ghost of
Christmas Whatever-the-Fuck.
I don't care!
I am going back to my
real world, RIGHT NOW!
Fine.
Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it.
The ice cream and the world peace.
Everything. I'll do all of it.
First thing in the morning.
Just give me my phone...
and let me go home.
Alright.
Let me just take one selfie first.
Okay, look, look, my poppers are good.
Okay? They are FDA approved...
and when you take 'em, you
can spell like a kid on Adderall.
That's bullshit.
Ahh. Spell juxtaposition.
J-u-x-t-a-p-o-s-i-t-i-o-n
Juxtaposition!
Probably.