A Madea Christmas (2013) Movie Script

- Okay. Are we doing...
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm not comin' out there.
It's only a day and a half of work,
and you gonna be making $150.
- I look like a damn fool.
- I'm gonna come in.
Okay. One, two, thre...
You better stop it.
Eileen, you come in on three.
You don't say, "One, two," and come in.
You say, "Three." Then you come in.
Look at you. You are
dressed for success.
I look like the whole
damn red-light district.
I ain't had nothing like this
on since I was on that pole.
Ooh. Well, just think of this as
another pole. The North Pole.
They don't make it
rain at the North Pole.
At my age, I can't
get no rain nowhere.
I get a little drizzle,
but them quarters hurt.
No, no, no. Well, this is beautiful.
Just think of this as a little
extra money for you and Cora.
Honey, I don't buy Cora
nothing for Christmas.
I ain't bought her nothing
since she was seven years old.
- You're kidding.
- That's right.
Cora asked me for some money
for some dolls named Starz.
I couldn't afford it.
She just wanted them Starz.
So all day Christmas,
she made me feel bad.
That night, Christmas dinner,
she's still sitting at the table crying.
I knocked the hell out of her.
You know what happened?
She saw stars. And she never
asked me for another gift.
- You are dreadful. Yes, you are.
- The truth.
- I can't do this, Eileen.
- Yes, you can. Stop.
- Now, just smile.
- Okay. I'm smiling.
Now, you should see...
Come over here.
I gotta take you where you working.
You should see the lovely gifts
I bought for my daughter.
- How she doing?
- Oh, she is excellent.
You know she went to New
York to get a degree...
got her master's and up and
moved to Alabama of all places.
- What the hell she move to Alabama for?
- Who knows.
Anyway, she took a little job there in
some little, small school, you know.
She says she wants to start a farm.
- A farm? What she starting a farm for?
- I don't know. I don't know.
But anyway, you know she got
tons of offers down here in Atlanta.
But she didn't want to,
so what can you do?
- Maybe she's trying to get away from you.
- You better stop that.
- Where we going?
- My daughter loves me.
Round yon Virgin Mother...
- Was that you singing?
- No, ma'am.
There's no one else in there,
Bailey McCoy.
Come on. Walk with me.
You're late again.
I'm sorry.
- I'm gonna have to talk to your parents.
- No.
I just woke up late.
I'll be here on time. I promise.
Budget cuts, budget cuts.
All right. Go on in class.
- We'll talk about this later. Okay?
- Okay.
And your singing.
I'm not gonna come in
here and listen to this.
All right, people!
Now, we may have to cancel
the Christmas Jubilee this year.
- No way!
- We don't have the budget!
Mayor, you hold on right there.
All right? Now, I grew
"poinsetters" for this.
Poinsettias.
- That's what I said.
- No, you didn't.
If this Christmas
Jubilee don't happen...
what am I gonna do with
all them "poinsetters"?
- Poinsettias.
- Stop. Do I look stupid?
- Tanner, I understand.
- No, sir...
with all due respect,
I don't think you do.
Since they built that dam upriver,
we've been barely surviving.
Between that and the drought...
managed to put most of
our crops out of business.
We need this Christmas Jubilee
to happen. You hear me?
We don't have the money.
I talked to the city council, didn't I?
You did, Your Honor.
He talked to him. I heard him.
- Take it out of the school.
- Hold on, Tanner McCoy.
We've already cut
the school's budget...
and as principal,
I have to draw the line.
We have four teachers
teaching several classes.
If we cut back more, we'll not be
able to finish the school year.
I don't care.
Somebody has to do something.
We have to have this
Christmas Jubilee.
It helps too many people around here
make enough money just to stay open.
We don't have the budget!
When we elected you as mayor,
you said you would help us!
I know. I'm sorry.
Folks around here don't take too kindly
to politicians not keeping their word.
You keep putting all these good people
against the wall and see what happens.
Come on, fellas. Geez.
- This is ridiculous.
- Absolutely.
- You believe that guy?
- That was unpleasant.
Yes, it was.
- This is where you'll be working.
- Okay.
Okay? Have you ever
done sales before?
- Yes, I sold trees.
- Christmas trees?
When you smoke 'em, they make
you feel like it's Christmas.
If you don't stop that nasty talk.
Stop it. I mean,
where goods were exchanged.
I was exchanging my
goodies back in the day.
Yes, indeed.
- I got to bring...
- On the black market.
- I got to bring you back to church.
- You ain't bringing me to no church.
I ain't goin' to no church.
The devil is a lie.
- And you still married to him.
- Honey, honey...
- Speak of the devil, listen. Listen.
- What, what, what?
- Y'all want me to work the register?
- No, no.
- Other people take...
- You sure?
You have to be bonded for that job.
If I took the register,
I'd be bonded out.
Okay. Yeah. No, no, no, no.
Listen, let's go over a little quick
review of what you're supposed to do.
- You teach me.
- You're supposed to direct the customers...
when they ask you for something,
and you can refer to this.
Okay? Now,
kitchenware is on the fifth floor.
- Kitchenware, fifth floor.
- Yes.
- Women's apparel is on the second...
- Y'all sell pears?
Y'all got produce up there?
- Clothing. Women's clothing.
- Say, "Clothing." Don't say, "A pears."
I don't know what
"apparels" is. "A pears."
Okay. Young adults
is on the third floor.
- Young adults on the third floor.
- Makeup and perfume is here.
And over there across the hall.
- I get it. I'll be fine.
- All right, and listen.
Most important,
everybody gets the same greeting.
When they come in,
you look them in the face...
you smile pretty and you say,
"Merry Christmas.
It's a beautiful day at Tifton's.
Joy to you and yours.
Yes, may I help you?"
That what I say?
Fine. I will say that.
- You wanna go over it once?
- All right.
- Here's a customer. Okay.
- Can you help me?
- Yes. Merry...
- Yes.
Mary had a little...
- No, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- It's a beautiful day at Tip...
- Tifton's.
- Tap... Tip... Tiptoes.
- Joy to you.
Joy to the world and the Lord
is come, and happy Easter.
What can... What can I
do for you at Tifton's?
Thank you. I'm looking
for women's lingerie.
Honey? Who the lingerie for?
For me, of course.
I don't know about you
wearing the lingeries.
Those days are over, honey.
Somebody should've told you it's passed.
The lingeries is for young
people with tight, firm stuff.
What I would suggest you do, hunty...
I would suggest you walk
across the street to Target...
and ask them for some of those
really nice big, big-girl drawers...
so that you will be comfortable.
You don't wanna walk around
with a slingshot up your butt.
- Eileen!
- Come, come, come.
Come. Let me help you.
- You are so rude!
- She's something.
No, you are the one that's rude
anytime you bring lingerie to a man.
Who was the 37th president
of the United States?
I know.
Bailey, do you know?
I know the answer.
I didn't ask you. I asked Bailey.
He don't know. He's always dirty.
And he's just a farm boy.
Yes, but he's the only one to get
an A on all three of his last tests.
What did you get, Lucy?
Or you, Larry?
There will be no
bullying in this class.
I'll see you all tomorrow.
Do your homework.
Look over the list of songs
for the Christmas Jubilee.
Christmas is five days away.
Hold on a second, Bailey.
You gotta start speaking up
and participating in class.
I know you knew the answer.
You're are so smart and talented.
You get an A on every test.
You gotta believe in yourself.
Lucy's right.
I'm just an old farm boy.
There is no such thing
as "just a farm boy."
You are smart. You can
be anything you want.
I can only imagine if you could
just stay awake in class.
- Are you up late at night?
- No, ma'am.
I want you to sing the lead
solo at the Christmas Jubilee.
I'm sorry. I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.
- No.
You know what? I really
gotta go, Miss Williams.
My daddy's gonna be
waiting for me at home.
Go on.
Hello?
I don't hear from you in six years...
and you call me out of the
blue because you need my help.
Don't blame that on me.
You're the one who married Kelly
and stopped returning my calls.
You're not still bitter, are you?
Maybe. How is she?
I don't know. We're divorced.
Good. She was such a tramp.
I can't believe you married her and
dumped me. That's what you get.
Okay, okay.
Hey, pull up, It was high school.
Am I forgiven?
That depends. Can you help
me with my school situation?
- So you need sponsorship?
- Yes.
A call came in just as I
was leaving a meeting..
With a company that's in
the middle of a PR nightmare.
They could use some
goodwill right now.
Actually, in a town like yours.
So your timing may be perfect.
Tell me about it.
Can't do that until
we have a contract.
- You don't trust me?
- No, no, no, it's not that.
I have to protect my
interests, that's all.
Tell you what.
I'll come down with a contract,
you get your people to sign...
and I'm sure I can pull in...
at least a hundred grand for
your school and its event.
$100,000. That would be great.
How soon can you get here?
You need the money
right away, don't you?
Yeah. So you're willing
to drive down to Alabama?
I will drive over tomorrow.
We'll get the contract signed,
then I'll have to leave...
but I'll be back for the event.
That would be fantastic.
Oliver, thank you so much.
See you soon.
- You got it.
- Bye.
Child, that Powerball is going up.
Hello? Hey, I need y'all to
go get me some scratch-offs.
- Yeah, and play the numbers for me.
- Can you help me?
That Powerball has
gotten really high.
Play number 22...
- Excuse me.
- 17,5 and 6.
Go play them numbers, and bring
me a bunch of scratch offs. Yeah.
Just two, three of 'em.
Don't spend a lot of money.
I need some help!
Hold on, 'cause somebody's
screaming at me.
I'm getting ready to
choke her. Hold on.
Lady, you gonna need a damn
doctor if you holler at me again.
Do you understand?
Now, what can I help you with?
- I need a watch for my husband.
- A men's watch.
A men's watch. You know,
I like it with a leather band.
- You know, a nice thin watch.
- Here are some men's...
Oh, hell. It's time for my break.
- Time for my break.
- Break?
No, wait.
- You're so rude.
- Bye, bye, bye.
- You rude as hell. You rude as hell.
- Please. I need a watch.
Get out of my way. I'm trying
to go to the break room.
Wait! Come back!
You still here?
He called me back.
Yeah? And?
He thinks he can get us
$100,000 in sponsorship money.
$100,000?
- Oh, my goodness, that would be so great.
- I know.
That would not only
pay for the Jubilee...
that would take us well into
next year's school year.
We could get new books,
maybe even a new computer.
Wait, calm down. It hasn't
happened yet. It's not done.
Okay, but I have faith that it is.
Lacey, thank you so much for
doing this. I really appreciate it.
I know this school is not the best,
but it is all we got.
And I know you could have gone
anywhere in the country...
with the credentials you have.
- I love it here.
- Thank you.
He's coming down tomorrow
with the contract.
This is so wonderful!
I gotta call the mayor.
- Yes.
- He's gonna be so excited.
This is going to be a wonderful
Christmas after all!
It's gonna be fantastic.
All right. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Hello?
- I must be dialing the wrong number.
You said that already,
but you called back five times.
So what number you trying to get?
I'm trying to reach
my daughter, Lacey.
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
she just walked in. Hold on.
- Who is that?
- Your mama.
- Hi, Mama.
- Who was that?
That was Conner.
Conner?
That's the guy you hired
to help you with the farm?
Yeah, that's him.
Okay. I don't know if I
like him up there with you.
Suppose he gets fresh...
and you don't have no man
up there to protect you.
Mama, I'm fine. What's going on?
I can't wait until you
taste the dinner...
I have prepared for
you for Christmas.
Yeah, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.
I'm not gonna be able
to come home this year.
What?
Uh-uh. It's Christmas.
I know, it's just I'm just
getting settled in...
and the farm needs a lot of work.
Uh-uh. You not no
farmer in the dell now.
It's not just the farm.
They've also decided to
extended the school year...
to the day before Christmas.
- What kind of school is that?
- We lost a lot of days...
because of the storms this summer,
so we have to make them up,
And I'm helping the kids prepare
songs for the Christmas Jubilee.
And we have a budget crisis.
So it's just too busy right now, Mom.
I'll come up there.
- No.
- Yes.
- I haven't seen you in nine months...
- It's not the right time.
And you don't drive.
I can get somebody to
drive up there with me.
I can ask your Aunt
Madea to come with me.
Mama, can we just skip it this year?
It's only Christmas.
You bite your tongue,
Christmas is the time of year...
when we celebrate the birth of
Jesus with our families and...
Lacey, I don't have
to tell you that...
you and I are the
only family we have,
I know. Mom, are you crying?
What was that, Conner?
I didn't say anything.
I'm sorry. Conner needs
my help, Mama. I gotta go.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Love you Bye,
Do not look at me like that.
You don't understand.
I didn't say a word.
Are you okay?
Girl, I don't know why I let you talk
me into comin' and doin' this job.
- I didn't take my medicine this morning.
- What medicine?
Five milligrams
of "Don't choke that ho."
These customers gettin' right...
I feel I'm getting ready
to maybe catch a case.
- I could spit.
- What's wrong with you?
Lacey's not coming for Christmas.
That ain't no problem.
Children grow up.
They don't wanna come home sometimes.
Something's wrong.
- Eileen?
- What?
I know that look in your eye.
Don't go jumpin' to no conclusion.
I don't jump to conclusions.
Last time you went to
the doctor, you had a rash.
Walked up in there, told the man
you had cancer and you was dying.
Madea, many people in my
family have died of cancer.
- I know your family.
- Yes.
- My grandmother.
- Got hit by a bus.
But she had cancer. My uncle Bayrod.
- Drowned.
- Because he had cancer.
- Eileen?
- What?
No, no, no, no. Something is wrong.
Something is wrong with my child,
and I'm gonna find out what it is.
She's down there in the country,
and I don't know what's going on.
I haven't seen where she works,
where she live.
- It's just awful!
- Your daughter is grown.
Leave her alone. If she want to
come home, she will come home.
What you planning on doing?
I'm gonna go down there.
I'd like to see that,
'cause you don't drive.
- You do.
- Child, I ain't goin' to no Alabama.
Last time I was in Alabama, I was chained
to Andy Young and Jesse Jackson.
- You marched?
- We wasn't upright when we was marching.
- We gonna go down there.
- I'm not driving to no Alabama.
All my stuff is illegal. I don't
like driving through Georgia.
You think I'm gettin' ready
to drive through Alabama?
- I'll pay you.
- What time you wanna leave?
Okay. Good.
No, child. I can't get on
the road with my Cadillac.
It's got 4,785,000 miles on it,
and I just changed the oil in it.
Every light on the dashboard say...
"You crazy as hell if
you go anywhere in me."
- Madea...
- I can't do it, hon. I'm sorry.
Have you ever thought maybe she
just don't want to see you, Eileen?
My daughter loves me.
She loves spending time with me.
All right, honey. If you find a ride,
I'll go up there with you.
All right. Well, I will work on it.
Conner.
- What the hell you think you're doin'?
- What are you talking about?
I was down at the feed store.
They tell me you're planning
on planting corn this year.
Yeah, I was.
I plant corn.
Well, actually, what I'm
working on can help all of us.
- What you're working on?
- Yeah.
You think you learned something down
in that college that I don't know about?
- That's not what I meant, Tanner.
- No, you don't.
And you better find
something else to plant.
You been gone from around
here for far too long.
I mean it, Conner.
Otherwise, I'll be here every day,
kick your ass like I did back in school.
Eileen, we've had a lot of
complaints about your friend.
Oh, no.
Hey there. I was
getting ready to go...
- What's the matter?
- We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Good, it's about damn time.
I get out of... Give me my check.
We'll mail it to you.
No, honey. Eileen,
you better tell her.
Ain't nobody gonna mail me no check.
I didn't mail my work up in here.
You ain't mailing me no check.
Where's my money?
Madea, go home. I'll call you later.
I don't give a damn who calling who.
Somebody gonna give me my money.
Would you please leave quietly?
Oh, sure. You want
me to leave quietly?
You want me to leave quietly?
I will show you how
to leave damn quietly.
Y'all gonna give me my damn money.
But before I get my damn purse,
I'm gonna get money out this register.
- Excuse me.
- No, no.
No, you can't do that. Put... Madea.
Where my purse?
Unlock the damn thing!
I got my purse here. This is $150.
- This is what you owe me.
- Put that money back.
I'm gonna take something else.
I'm gonna take this dress.
- Stop it!
- Take whatever I want out of here.
What's this pulling on me?
You're embarrassing us.
What the hell y'all looking at?
What the hell all y'all looking at?
It's Christmas, and I'm takin'
what the hell I want up in here!
What y'all gonna do about it?
What y'all gonna do about it?
- I'll take this too.
- She didn't take her medication today.
You got me coming up here,
trying to work in this place...
and I don't know
what the hell gonna...
Get out the way!
What the hell goin' on?
- I know what the hell I'm doing!
- She has never acted like this before.
I'm fabulous. I'm gone
with the wind fabulous.
I am so sorry.
Hi. I'm Lacey Williams,
Bailey's teacher.
- Right. Come on in.
- Thank you.
- How are you?
- I'm fine.
I just stopped by to talk to you.
I graded another one of Bailey's
homework assignments...
Listen, I'm sorry.
He has to help his daddy at night,
so he doesn't get much time to study.
Then he gets up early in the
morning to work with him...
so I'll just have to get
on him to do better.
He can't get any better.
- He gets straight A's.
- What?
Yeah. And to know he works after
school and in the morning...
is even more impressive.
He really should go to a gifted
school with a fine arts department.
Wow.
I always knew he was smart.
I didn't know he was that smart.
Me and his daddy never
got much schoolin'.
You really think Bailey could
make it outside of this place?
I know he can.
I mean, that's really
all I want for him.
Bailey is always telling me
how good you are to him...
and that you defend him in front
of those other kids, so thank you.
- Well, he's a very special boy.
- Yeah, he is.
- Have a seat.
- Sure. Thank you.
- Can I get you something to drink?
- Yes.
Thanks.
Thank you.
He also told me you want him to
sing at the Christmas Jubilee?
Yes. He has a beautiful voice.
You think the Jubilee is
gonna happen this year?
Yes, haven't you heard?
I got a friend of mine to
get us a sponsorship for it.
So it's definitely gonna happen.
- That's great news.
- Yeah, it really is.
Oh, hell. What do you want?
- Hi, I'm Lacey Williams.
- I know who you are.
You're Bailey's teacher.
Bailey's gonna be late to school.
He's got a lot of work to do here,
that's if he makes it at all.
No need come around
here no more. Okay?
I am so sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Oliver, this is so funny.
I hadn't spoken to your mother
in a while, and we got talking...
and she said you were drivin'
to Alabama to see Lacey!
Miss Eileen, I'm happy
to have the company.
Did I tell you I take blood pressure
medicine that makes me have to pee?
- I'll have to go to the bathroom soon.
- Okay, go in the bush.
I'm not putting my tush over no bush.
I don't know what's wrong with you.
The leaves fell off
of it, but it work!
- Jesus. Baby...
- It the wintertime.
Just keep your eyes ahead.
Okay? No, no, no. She's always
like this, since a child.
- Yeah, since my childhood.
- Something's wrong.
Something's wrong, but we accept it.
You sure you didn't tell
her we were coming?
I wanted this to be a big surprise!
I'm sure.
'Cause she's gonna be
so happy to see you!
Madea, I told him how much
Lacey talks about him.
Why you hollerin' like I'm in the back
of an airplane and you in first class?
I can hear you. You right here.
All I'm saying is this...
- What's your name, boy? Olive Oil?
- Oliver.
All I'm saying is this.
If she wanted to talk to you,
she would have called you all the time.
Don't get your hopes
up listening to Eileen.
Don't listen to her. You two
are gonna be together again.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
I see it on your face.
I see it on your face. Yeah!
I would like to see us
have another chance.
Y'all was in high school back then.
I got to pee, son.
You been driving around
in circles for way too long.
Go on over there. Pull over there,
ask these people directions.
I'm gonna go in here
and use the bathroom.
No, Madea.
This place don't look right.
Eileen, here. This a...
Child, please.
I grew up in the country.
Ain't nobody in here.
He what sittin'
there willy-whilin'. Ask him.
Lord, this thing is high.
You gotta get me a step.
'Scuse me, sir.
You look like a nice man.
How you doin'? We are lost.
He trying to find direction.
I need a bathroom. Is there
a bathroom here somewhere?
Yes, ma'am. Right over yonder.
Get the directions here.
I got me to pee.
Got to pee. Hell...
What the...
Go! Drive! Drive, Olive Oil, drive!
Put the pedal to the metal.
Get the hell outta here!
- They're tryin' to get me!
- What did you do?
Drive! Hell, they're KKK!
- This ain't the right address, is it?
- That's what she said.
This can't be the right address.
These people might not be friendly.
Look, this is 2013,
and it's almost Christmas.
Sure it'll be fine.
Boy, did you see what I
just went through in town?
True.
This just don't feel right.
Up here in these woods,
ain't nobody around but us and trees.
I don't like this.
Go knock on the door.
- Thanks a lot.
- What you worried about, son?
Somebody got to
live to tell the story.
Tell 'em what happened to you.
Somebody got be an activist.
Somebody got to call Sharpton.
Never mind.
Conner, where are you going?
- Hey, what's going on?
- I mentioned Tanner and he lost it.
- Conner!
- I've been waiting to see this.
- I'm goin' with you, boy.
- Conner!
Conner!
- Uh-oh. Who is that?
- I told you this was the wrong address.
We gotta go. Back up.
There she is! Pull up.
We're at the right place.
- Come on. Hurry up.
- There she is.
- Lacey!
- Look at you.
Oh, my word. What are you doing here?
I hitched a ride
with Oliver. Surprise!
Surprise!
- We came.
- Surprise.
Who are you?
I'm Conner.
Girl, what the coroner doing here?
Who done died?
You are the farmhand that
she hired. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I am Eileen, her mother.
And this is Madea,
her great-aunt on my daddy's side.
She sure don't look happy to see us.
You better bite your tongue.
She is happy to see
me anytime. Tell her.
That don't look like happiness, honey.
That look like puredee constipation.
Hi, Conner.
How are ya? How ya doing?
This handsome thing...
this is Oliver, her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend?
Ex-boyfriend.
It was nice of you to call him.
That was a nice ruse to
get to see him. Fund-raiser.
No, it wasn't a ruse.
You know you miss him.
Anyway, could you get my bags,
farmhand, please?
- Yeah.
- I'll help.
Lacey, come show us this farm.
A little dusty, dusty.
Come, my dear. I knew that.
Baby, you know you got asthma.
Mama, I don't have asthma anymore.
Yeah, but you still
gotta be careful...
because that could lead to cancer.
Everything don't lead to cancer,
Eileen. Lord, help her.
I'm gonna open the door.
Y'all need fresh air up in here.
Got all these animals. This is
a nice room. I'll stay in here.
- Good, good, good.
- Sure.
Lacey, you do not
have a Christmas tree?
- No, I don't.
- Oh, my God.
- That's why you wanted me to come here.
- Yeah, that's exactly why.
- I'm gonna take this room.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- That's nice too.
- That's a nice room.
- Thank you.
- Is this one yours, Madea?
- Yeah, put it in the room on the end.
- I'm staying down there.
- All right.
- All right.
- Is this your room here?
- It's my room.
- It's lovely.
Thank you. It's not clean.
- Okay, now where's the kitchen?
- Let's go that way.
- It's in there. Go ahead.
- I'm comin'.
Don't be pushing on me.
We saw this. This is the
dining room. It's yellow.
It's yellow. It's bright yellow!
It's nice, Mama, huh?
Yeah, it's not my cup
of tea, but you know.
- Back porch and everything.
- Aunt Madea, you like it?
- Yeah, look at all the animals.
- It's very nice. Yes.
Ask the man to bring
the groceries in.
- They're in the trunk of the car.
- His name is Conner.
I don't like you being up
here with him by yourself.
What is Oliver supposed to think,
you living with a man?
Why should I care what Oliver thinks?
- You should. He still wants you.
- Mama, please.
No, and you still want him.
I know it. I got that feeling.
I want some grandbabies.
What you waiting on?
Eileen, stop meddling with that girl.
Okay? You is in everybody's business.
Just leave this child alone.
You have been talking
since we got in the car.
You talk too much, Eileen. Please,
just shut up for a little while here.
Leave this child alone.
She living her life.
She happy out here in the
farm playing Old MacDonald.
- Any more?
- Just the groceries.
All right.
- Hi.
- Wow.
- It's great to see you, Lacey.
- Yeah, you too.
Let me put these down,
and I'll be ready to go to school.
- Yeah.
- All right?
So, you didn't tell me
your boyfriend was coming.
High school. Non-factor, trust me.
My mother... I can't believe
she just showed up.
And your parents are on their way.
Yep. Gonna be here right after
you get back from school.
I know. What are we gonna do?
You better think of something.
- Baby...
- Boyfriend.
- Are you ready to go?
- Yes, sure.
Hold on. Hold on. I heard
somebody say, "Go." Oh, Lord.
Take me anywhere. I got to
get away from your mama.
I'll go to hell and back
to get away from her.
She talk too damn much.
Can I go with y'all?
Okay. Maybe you can keep an eye on
my class while I go into the meeting.
I'm sorry. Watch your class?
She wants me to watch
her class. Children?
Child, me and children
don't get along.
Now, let me see.
Ankle-biting...
disease-carrying...
little children of God,
or your mama...
satanic, loud-mouthed,
diarrhea woman from hell.
I think I'll go with the children.
Praise God.
- All right.
- I'll drop you back off on my way home.
Okay, close your trunk, son.
Close your trunk.
I'm gonna ride with him.
No offense to y'all car,
'cause this a nice car.
But this bring back memories, child.
I got pregnant. Meat Loaf was
playing "Dashboard Light."
I was sitting up there, and I kept
hitting my head on that steering wheel.
It was just awful.
It was an awful time.
Look. The door even sound the same.
Child, this is just what it's...
Yep, that bring back memories.
Watch this.
That's what I used to do. Drop it.
That car built for comfort and
built for speed, just like me.
This a nice truck, but how
I'm s'posed to get in here?
- Pull the seat back.
- I'll sit in the back. Hold on.
No, you don't have to...
Yeah, just pull that back.
You got to get some of them
things to help me get in here.
Is there something to...
Hold on. I got it.
Yeah, that's it. Come on in.
Boy, you got to get a low car here.
- You 'bout to make me mad.
- Give me your hand.
- Now, hold on.
- All right, I got you.
- Good morning, class.
- Good morning.
This is my Aunt Mabel.
But everybody calls her Madea.
I have to go to a meeting down
the hall with Ms. Porter...
and I asked Miss Madea
to keep an eye on you.
Now, you know what to do and
you know how to behave, right?
Yes, ma'am.
- I'll be right back. Thanks, Madea.
- Yeah, I love it.
I love well-behaved children.
That's wonderful.
Y'all look so nice.
Hello. Hello. Now, y'all got to
go back to the Stepford children.
Don't act like you... Don't act
like this. Now, calm the hell down.
I'm in here. Do yourself a favor.
Do the right thing.
- You belong in this class?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay. What's your name?
- Bailey.
Bailey? Okay. Well, go on.
Your teacher went down the hall,
and I'm sitting in for her. Have a seat.
You better hope she comes back.
She's the only teacher
that likes you here.
Don't sit by me. You are so dirty.
Leave that boy alone. Where else
he gonna sit? Sit down, son.
Sit down. Don't worry about her.
Don't you ever pick on somebody just
'cause you can. Do you understand?
They used to do that to me
when I was in kindergarten.
'Cause I was six feet tall,
they all want to talk about me.
I had a full figure and
curves and all that stuff.
They wanted to make fun of me.
But I wasn't having it.
You understand? I fought back.
That's why I got tough-skinned.
You may have to fight back sometimes.
Do you understand?
Don't worry about these people in
here trying to make you feel bad.
You got to be nice to people.
Pass it on, niceness.
- Do you understand?
- Yes, ma'am.
All right, I'm going to write
my name on the board...
so you all will know what my name is.
Ain't no chalk.
Y'all ain't got no chalk?
Ain't got no eraser either.
"No cause..."
Okay. I don't know
what all that mean.
All right. Well,
what we gonna do is...
I'm gonna tell y'all a story.
This is the story of Christmas.
Christmas.
This is what I learned when I
went to school... Sunday school.
This is the story of the nativities.
Little baby Jesus was born.
He was born to the Virgin Mary...
J. Blige, and as Mary was on tour...
she met this man named Joe...
Manganiello, who played a werewolf.
And he was in love with her.
She said, "Joe.
I am thou-ist with the child-ist.
And the holiness is come upon me...
and I'm going to have a baby-ist."
And Joe said, "Really?"
They ain't know what to do.
So he went on and stayed with her...
and they went on 'cause they
was expecting the holy child.
That's right.
And the Bible say in
second "Deuteronomo"...
that when he came to the earth...
he came through the Virgin...
pia colada.
And as she was there...
they were trying to find
somewhere to have the baby...
but they kept going to all these hotels,
and wouldn't none of 'em let them in.
Marriott. Shut the door.
Hilton. Shut the door.
Tried to get to the Ritz-Carlton,
they said, "You don't belong here."
Everybody just got put out.
They went to the Motel 6.
They didn't even leave the light
on for her. She was in the dark.
Anyway, there was Mary...
'bout to have that baby,
so she sat down at a bus stop.
MARTA bus passed by,
wouldn't even pick her up...
to take her to the holy
city of Birmingham.
And as she sat there,
she went into laborer.
And as she started laboring...
a mangy dog walked up beside her.
See, God will send you a dog when
you need it, even if you don't.
And that dog said,
"What's wrong with you?"
And as she sat there,
she had that baby...
and that baby came
next to that mangy dog.
That's why they say he
was born in a mangy.
Hallelujah. Let the Lord use ya.
Okay, that's the story of the baby Jesus.
That's the hip-hop version.
I'm glad I went to church
and to Sunday school. Okay.
Where my purse?
Where my purse?
Y'all ain't seen what
happened to my purse?
I'm gonna tell y'all another story.
This is the story of Easter Sunday.
Jesus was hanging
between two thieves.
One was Baranibus and the
other was the Dinosaurus.
Somebody better find
my purse right now.
- All we have to do is sign that thing?
- Yes.
Lacey told me you needed
the money right away.
So I spoke with my boss and
got the money in advance.
We're both very sure we'll
get the sponsorship.
What's in it for you?
Well, my company gets paid a
10% commission by the company.
You get the entire 100 grand.
It will help us with the shortfall.
- Is everything okay, Wilbur?
- Yes, Your Honor.
It's good. It is good.
All right then. Let's do this.
Wonderful. Here you go.
Now, we'll bring the sponsors down
to the Jubilee for a photo op.
- That's all we ask.
- Of course.
- Thank you, son.
- You got it.
Thank you so much.
You have no idea how
much we needed this.
- It's my pleasure.
- Lacey.
- Thank you.
- This is my town too.
Glad I can help.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
After you.
There you go.
You have no clue how much
you've just helped us. I mean...
It was my pleasure.
I'm glad I could help.
- Thank you again.
- You got it.
- Here.
- What's this?
- It's your Christmas present.
- No. I can't take that.
- Sure you can.
- I really can't.
You've already done
enough for us. Thank you.
What are you doing?
Your mother told me she
thought you missed me.
Look, I know we were children,
but I think about you still.
Listen, Oliver,
that was a long time ago...
- and I actually have to tell you...
- Lacey!
- Get in here. Quick!
- Excuse me.
Hurry!
There's a weird woman in here.
What they did back in the day...
Lacey, who is this?
- My aunt Madea.
- Hi.
What are you doing?
I was just teaching these
children a lesson on Jesus...
from the time he was born
until the time he died on Earth.
She tried to steal my purse, but I
taught her a lesson. Here you go.
Now you have been crowned
the Christmas... Praise. Hallelujah.
- I got her, didn't I? I got her, Bailey.
- Yes, ma'am.
'Scuse me. Oliver, take me to the house.
I'm getting the hell outta here.
We'll talk when I get
back for the Jubilee.
Lucy. How do you even...
How did she...
That's a nice-lookin' tree.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
- Are they here yet?
- Nope.
I rushed home. How's my mother?
I don't know. She only
said two words to me.
You think of how you're
gonna handle this yet?
No. Were you able to
talk to your parents?
Nope, no cell phone.
Guess I'll have to talk to
'em now 'cause they're here.
- Hey, hey!
- Hi, y'all!
Hey, hey! Look at you!
Don't you go nowhere.
I'm gonna get your mama.
- I look all right?
- Yeah, you look great.
- Son! Son!
- Mama! Daddy!
Look at you!
Daddy, not the bear hug!
Your old man still got it, don't he?
Look at my Grizzly Adams.
Look at you. You look
like a mountain man.
Hey, Son, see this? This ain't fat.
This is all foreskin.
Buddy, stop. Don't start so early.
- You must be Lacey.
- Yes.
Look at you!
- Oh, my!
- You put her down.
You don't gotta break
her and snap her neck.
Just give him a little nudge
to the flapjacks there.
He'll put you down.
Where are my manners?
I am Conner's mama.
Please call me Mrs. Williams.
- Hi.
- I kiddin'! You...
Call me Kim or Mama.
Just don't call me late for dinner.
I'm joshing you.
- Look how pretty. She's very pretty.
- Thank you.
She is even more beautiful than
I ever could have imagined.
Thank you.
So nice to finally meet you.
You too.
Look at this place.
It is beautiful.
This place is stupendous.
My mama and daddy...
Sorry. I'm sorry.
They just would've been
so proud. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mama.
I was so upset when I
heard you two eloped.
I thought maybe you'd
come down to Louisiana...
and went up the bayou for the
Swamp Manor to get hitched.
We would have thrown you
such a shindig. You know that.
Hey, I'm glad y'all did elope.
You done saved me
an assload of money.
So I appreciate it.
Well, you've spent enough
money on me already, Daddy.
- I'm glad you recognize that.
- Honey, we love you.
Anything you want, my son. Anything.
Well...
Have you two eaten?
No, but...
Good, 'cause I caught
Christmas dinner.
Caught?
We are gonna have hot possum potpie.
I'm gonna make it.
It's good. Nice flaky crust.
Gonna have possum stew...
and your uncle DeWayne done
got me some white lightning.
Here, let me take this, Daddy.
Actually, Lacey's a vegetarian.
She's a vegetarianist? On a farm.
- Honey, that must be hard.
- That don't mean nothing.
We's Baptist, and we still like a
nice possum stew every now and then.
No, Buddy. It means
she doesn't eat meat.
- She doesn't eat meat.
- Oh, you're a tofu farter.
- Daddy.
- Ain't nothing wrong with that.
I like tofu farters. God bless you.
All I'm saying, Son,
if she don't eat meat...
that might be a bad thing when it
comes to certain parts of the anatomy.
Mama, can you please... I'm sorry.
We just met her. Now, stop.
- Start slow, all right?
- I was just kidding.
I'm sorry. He's crazy.
What are we doing standing
out here getting all dusty?
Let's go inside and get
our meal on. I'm starvin'.
I brought you some spices
from your Aunt Tutu's garden.
- Okay. Mama...
- You're gonna love 'em.
- Let me go get that.
- Hang on, y'all.
Lacey's mama is cookin'.
Lacey's ma... She's here?
- Your mama's here now?
- Yes.
- Her mama is here, Buddy.
- Hey, hey! All right.
Looks like we get
to meet the in-laws.
Actually, we kind of have a problem.
What's the problem?
Lacey hadn't told her
mama that we're married.
- What?
- Why ain't you told her?
Well...
my mother had dreams
for my entire life...
and Conner was not in that dream.
I'm sorry. I do...
- I don't understand.
- I think I do. Let me ask you something.
When she had them dreams,
was they in color or black-and-white?
She doesn't want you
with a white man.
I'm sorry. That's awful.
Honey, we taught
all of our children...
"Never see color. Only see heart."
- Isn't that right, Conner?
- That's right.
It's such a shame she does not
know what kind of person you are.
I'll tell you who he is.
Always taught him to
look at a woman's heart.
'Cause that's where their rack hangs.
Daddy.
I'm just kiddin'.
She got a nice rack.
Your mama used to have a nice rack.
Now she bends over, just looks
like she's got a 7-10 split.
- What the hell does that mean?
- It's a bowling term.
- I don't like that, Daddy.
- I don't either.
I'm just kiddin'. I still like to go to
the bowling alley every now and then.
- You're sexy to me.
- Will you hush?
I'm gonna start talking about
all your wrinkly, saggy parts.
- It's like a turkey giblet in there.
- That was over the line.
Well, honey, Conner,
who does she think you are?
She thinks I'm the farm help.
- Well, there's a switcheroo.
- The farm help.
Do you think we should leave?
I think we should maybe leave.
I ain't goin' nowhere.
Hell, I just drove up here.
- I am tired. I want a beer.
- I don't want you guys to leave.
Well, what should we do?
Can you give me
some time to tell her?
I mean, I have to break it to
her gently. She's been very sick.
- Oh, no.
- I'm so sorry.
- What's wrong?
- She has a weak heart.
Then by all means, you just...
take your time and tell
her when you're ready.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
We don't want her ticker
to tock out on you here.
- We'll behave ourselves.
- Yeah.
- You know what we'll be?
- What?
- Parents of the help.
- That's right. Parents of the help.
- "Can I get you something?"
- Let's head in.
- Come on.
- Daddy, behave.
I'll behave. Like a bull in a rodeo.
- Did you paint this? This is fabulous.
- I started.
- Still needs some work.
- Where you at?
I bet this house run them
in the double figures.
- Hey, Madea.
- Hey!
- This is my mama, Kim.
- How you doin'?
- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Medium.
And this is my daddy, Buddy.
- Nice to meet you.
- How you doin', Buddy?
- I'm doing well.
- I see y'all brought a bag.
No, that's just my wife.
Forgive my husband. He is
just a horse's ass and a half.
- Wait. I smell cookin'.
- Yeah, that's Eileen.
- Her mama was up in there cooking.
- Where is she?
She was in the kitchen,
but she went to the backyard.
Come on. Sit down. Take a load off.
Take a load off. Y'all sit a spell.
- Y'all want something to drink?
- I believe I'll have something.
I like you. You're a nice lady.
Don't be flirting with me
in front of your wife.
If I put this thing on,
you won't be able to get rid of it.
I'll have him pay my rent,
car note and everything else.
I'm from the old school.
Believe me, he can't help it.
And if you can stand him,
you're welcome to him, right?
- Hey, Conner, get me a beer.
- Yes, sir.
Well, Miss Madea...
looks like we're gonna be spending
Christmas dinner together this year...
but don't you worry.
We could care less you're black.
"African-American," Buddy.
Right, whatever. African-American.
That's all right. I don't care
that y'all are white America...
Angro... Angrola-Saxons...
Saxophonists.
I don't care. That don't matter at
all that y'all Anglo-Saxophonists.
I like her.
She's got a good sense of humor
and those big, sturdy feet.
You need a good sense of
humor with this group in here.
- Here, Daddy, beer. Drink up.
- Appreciate it.
- Please, drink up.
- I'll tell you what, Son.
That last girl you with
was so dadgum ugly...
my dog humped her leg
and shut his eyeballs.
Oh, stop it. He's awful!
"He shut his eyeballs." That's ugly.
Please forgive my husband.
He is a wannabe comedian.
You are no Jeff Foxworthy.
Well, I try to be,
but who can? Who can?
Did you hear the one about the
two rabbis and the black dude?
- Daddy.
- No.
Did you hear the one about the
stray bullet that killed the redneck...
for telling the story about the
rabbis and the black dude?
It's hilarious!
I got him, didn't I? I got him.
- Y'all get your ass shot.
- I like her. I do.
I do too. She likes to hang.
No, ain't gonna be no
hanging around here now.
No, he didn't mean that.
He meant that...
You calm the hell down?
You are so politically correct.
They're having fun.
I'm having fun too.
I wasn't offended.
Hell, I got a pistol.
I knew she knew that.
Let me ask you this.
Do you know Oprah?
Honey, I told you...
all black folk don't
necessarily know each other.
- Could've fooled me.
- Do I look like Paul Bunyan or what?
Actually, you sure in the hell do.
And the Jolly Green Giant too. Ho-ho-ho.
- Farmhand, please help me.
- His name is Conner.
Whew!
I think the tree...
would look good right here.
If you don't mind me butting in...
I think it would look really
pretty right here by the window...
and that way all the
passersby can enjoy it.
That's where we had it every year.
- And who are you?
- That's a pretty tree.
I am... I'm Conner's mom.
That's Kim and that's Buddy.
These are Coroner's parents.
This is Eileen. I wanna scream.
I mean, Eileen.
Trees are for the family,
not for strangers.
What the hell these
people doing here?
Mama, they came to visit
Conner for Christmas.
Really? That is just
like my daughter.
I raised you right.
My daughter has always been
good with helping the help.
Yes.
- Where you staying?
- We're thinking of staying here.
Yeah. We drove all the
way up from Louisiana...
to spend Christmas
with Conner and Lacey.
It'll be a little cramped...
but we'll make do.
Madea and I will share a room.
You, Buddy and...
Kim.
Kim, take another room...
- and Carver...
- Conner.
- That's what I said.
- Conner.
Yes, Carver, you can take the sofa.
Let me get some decorations.
Okay. I just...
So many memories just coming
back to me bein' here.
To tell you, Lacey, my mama,
she loved this place. She did.
I'm so happy you all came
back here to take care of it.
Welcome.
Well, my daughter's
paying the mortgage...
so I hope you bring
in a crop this year.
I told you not to buy this farm.
That dam up north caused a lot of
problems this year for the farmers.
But Conner, he's got him a new
strain of corn that takes less water.
Now, how's that work, Conner?
I studied agriculture
at New York State.
Is that where you two met?
Yeah. He's brilliant.
Gets it from his old man.
Runs in the genes.
At the science of it,
not so much the farming.
So genius, little Einstein,
little Stephen Hawkins.
We used to call him
"Smarty Britches" when he was little.
If you put some Viagra in that
tree's water, it'll stay up all year.
You better put some Viagra in your water.
See what happen with your tree.
- All right, let's decorate.
- No, thank you. I can manage.
I brought some decorations
from Atlanta...
and I work at one of the
finest department stores...
so I know a thing or two about taste.
Where...
Where did you get this tree?
I mean, you have a beautiful
Christmas tree...
right outside the kitchen
window and none in the house.
What's wrong?
Please don't tell me that's
your granddaddy's tree.
Oh, dear God.
Mama, was there a yellow ribbon
wrapped around that tree?
Yes, and I cut it off.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What happened? What?
My mama planted that tree...
in memory of my granddaddy.
Well, how was I
supposed to know that?
This doesn't make any sense. Lacey.
Did these people come
when you bought this land?
This is your land now.
You can do what you want to with it.
Excuse me.
You don't look so good.
Feeling a little light-headed.
Well, sit down then. Sit down.
Okay.
It's all these strange people
in this house, that's what it is.
It ain't them people,
it's you! Hell, you!
You lost your damn mind.
You done lost your damn mind!
Anytime you see somebody with a
yellow ribbon on the tree, Eileen...
a yellow ribbon,
that means a memoriam.
Don't you know what that means?
Everybody in the USA knows
what a memoriam is...
when you see a yellow
ribbon on a damn tree.
You work on my nerves.
That poor woman is probably crying
'cause you cut down her daddy's tree.
What wrong with you,
cutting down her daddy's tree?
You know what's gonna happen?
I'm gonna make this plain.
You're gonna go to bed,
slip into a coma...
and everybody gonna wonder
what happened to you.
I did it. It's Christmas, damn it!
I don't know, Buddy.
I don't think I can deal with this.
I don't like it. It's wrong.
I can't pretend to be somebody.
I'm not an actress. I'm not Reba.
Maybe we should just leave.
Let's pack up and leave tomorrow.
No, we're not going back home.
We're staying here.
- It's Christmas.
- And that woman...
she cuts down my daddy's memory tree
and acts like she doesn't even care!
Honey, I know. It stinks. I get it.
You know what?
We'll get you another tree.
I want that tree. I want my
daddy's tree. What about our son?
Conner just stands there and doesn't
say anything back to this woman.
He's just pretending,
just saying nothin' to this woman.
Sweetheart, you know our kid.
He can't tell no to anybody.
Let him figure it out.
- You want some of this?
- No, not now.
- You know you want some of this.
- I don't. It's too much for me.
Remember that game we
played when we was kids?
- Mystery Date?
- No, the Ghost and the Damsel.
- You remember that?
- Buddy Williams...
We are not playing... This is not the
time or the place. Don't you dare.
Go take a cold shower
and get off of me.
Go throw some milk on that thing.
I think I left my bag in...
one of my bags here.
- You think she noticed me?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Oh, damn.
How to stop diabetes before it starts.
That's what AARP talking about.
You got to read this,
this is pretty good.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Heard about the sponsorship?
Yeah, just found out about it.
- We got a problem.
- What's that?
Sponsor is Sheldon Construction.
Same Sheldon Construction that built
the dam that put us all out of business?
- That's the one.
- Hell no. You see?
Unbelievable.
Eileen, what you doin'?
I knew it.
He's in the Ku Klux Klan.
What?
He was wearing the sheet
when I went in the room.
Them people are not
in no Ku Klux Klan.
I saw the Klan today.
That ain't the Klan.
- They probably trying to make up the bed.
- I know the Klan when I see it.
There you go, overreacting,
like you always do.
- Yes, he is.
- Always jump to conclusions.
Stop jumping to conclusions.
No, baby. No.
I know what I saw.
Eileen, you gonna
get your pressure up.
I'm gonna sleep with
one eye open tonight.
Yes. Oh, Lord, my poor daughter,
she's so naive.
She don't know what's going on.
She don't have a clue.
You don't have a clue, talkin'
about sleeping with one eye open.
I hope it's not the lazy one,
'cause that one always look closed.
Them people are not in the Klan.
You put all of this stuff
in front of that door.
All that stuff in
front the damn door.
I go to the bathroom, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 12 times a night...
and if I laugh too hard,
I squirt pee.
You got to move that stuff.
How can I go to the bathroom at
night with all that in front the door?
What this?
- I can't sit on this cup!
- Then stand up.
Conner, I'm sorry.
- Can I ask you something?
- What's that?
- Are you ashamed of me?
- No.
Then why won't you tell her?
I've never let my mother
down my entire life. Okay?
I've done everything
she wanted. Always.
And this is the first time I've
done something that I want.
Conner, it's gonna break her heart.
You gotta understand that.
You have to understand
how this makes me feel.
I love you. I'm proud of us.
I don't care who knows.
- Are you coming to bed?
- You mean the sofa, right?
You know the walls are thin.
My patience is getting
there with this.
And I told her, "You better
get the hell on out the way."
Lord, that was funny.
Your mama was something else.
Here you are, Miss Murphy.
Three little eggs.
Mama, it's fine.
Would you like some coffee, Conner?
No, I gotta tend to the animals.
I can give you a few
pointers if you want to.
- Yeah, that would be great.
- Okay, great.
All right. I'll be outside
if y'all need me.
What kind of farmhand
don't know about farmin'?
- He knows the science of it, Mama.
- No, I heard that last night.
Wait. Why are you
always defending him?
'Cause she like him.
Over my dead body will she end
up with somebody like that.
Somebody like what?
I don't wanna talk about it. We don't
make those kind of jokes, okay?
Hush up, Dragon Lady.
Hush the hell up.
If she like him, she like him.
That's all that is. Just hush.
Excuse me. Good morning, y'all.
This room brings back
so many memories.
Smells like farm.
Good morning, Miss Mandela.
Not Mandela, honey. Madea.
Madea, honey. Hi, sweetheart.
Mrs. Williams,
would you like some coffee?
- I'm gonna get it myself.
- Don't you have to go to school?
Actually, I do. I'm on my way.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye, Miss Mandela.
I had such a crazy,
crazy-ass dream last night.
- Really?
- Yeah. What are you cooking?
- Can I help? I'm good in the kitchen.
- No, I don't need your help.
Eileen!
What? I don't need her help.
I understand. I like to cook
alone myself sometimes too.
- Thank you.
- All right then.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
That ain't being Christian,
being that mean to that woman.
I don't eat food from the KKK.
That woman ain't in no KKK.
Hush that foolishness. Hell.
- I love you, Son.
- Love you too.
Stay warm, okay?
- Stop babying him.
- You need to start babying him.
What's the matter with you?
You did not need to be so
mean to that woman yesterday.
She don't need to be
coming around here.
She seems nice. She just
wants the best for Bailey.
I know what's the best for Bailey,
and that's keeping this place running.
He can learn something in school.
Maybe become something
more than the two of us.
Yeah? Well, school is
gonna have to wait.
Gotta get these "poinsetters" sold.
Think I'm gonna go down to Harrisburg.
Try sell 'em over there.
If you would have talked to Lacey,
you would've found out...
that she has got sponsorship for
the Jubilee, so it is happening.
So you can sell your
poinsettias at the Jubilee.
- Who's the sponsor?
- I don't know.
Who does she think she is?
What you mad for, huh?
The Jubilee is happening.
We don't need her help.
She ain't from around here.
- Well, that's just plain dumb.
- You watch your back talk, Amber.
And you watch your
front talk, Tanner.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Heard about the sponsorship?
Yeah, just found out about it.
- We got a problem.
- What's that?
Sponsor is Sheldon Construction.
Same Sheldon Construction that built
the dam that put us all out of business?
- That's the one.
- Hell no. You see?
Unbelievable.
There is no such thing
as "just a farm boy."
You are smart. You can
be anything you want.
I can only imagine if you could
just stay awake in class.
- Are you up late at night?
- No, ma'am.
I want you to sing the lead
solo at the Christmas Jubilee.
I'm sorry. I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.
- No.
You know what? I really
gotta go, Miss Williams.
My daddy's gonna be
waiting for me at home.
Child, these nipples so tough,
you need a mammogram.
Don't look at me like that.
- But you giving milk.
- Well, hello.
Hey there.
- How are ya?
- Thems pigs was starving to death.
I slopped them, and I've been
trying to get milk for Eileen.
- She's in there trying to cook something.
- Look, he's trying.
- We sure do appreciate you helpin'.
- No. That's fine.
I'll show him how to do it when he
come out of that laboratory thing.
Look like he growing marijuana.
He ain't growing marijuana, is he?
No, he ain't doing that.
Look, he's a smart kid, you know.
He just, well...
- What?
- I'm a truck driver.
I'm out on the road a lot,
you know, and...
he always stayed with his mom
and his grandparents here.
I tell you what, it broke my
heart to be gone so much...
but I just kind of feel a little
guilty about the way he turned out.
- How he turn out?
- Kind of passive, I guess.
Kind of lets people
walk all over him.
I mean, he used to get beat
up a lot in school, bullied.
- Oh, he's soft.
- He's soft.
This kid, Tanner, used to
beat him up all the time.
And he still lives here, that Tanner.
When a person gets tired of a bully,
they handle it, you understand?
You shut it down and you realize that
you ain't gonna deal with it no more.
- Boy, that's the truth.
- Gotta wait for that.
Hey, we were just talking about you.
- Yeah?
- It was all good stuff.
- All good stuff.
- Good.
That one, she just will
not let you milk her.
- The black-and-white one?
- Yep.
There's a reason why you couldn't get
milk from the black-and-white one, son.
If somebody pull on your testicles,
will you give 'em milk?
Don't answer that.
That's a bull.
You can't milk no bull.
You serious, trying to milk a bull?
Blessed.
Son, you got to slop them
pigs early in the morning.
Then you gotta milk these cows
'cause they nipples is tough.
And you can't be gentle.
You got to pull them nipples.
You got to pull them things.
Pull 'em hard.
Pull 'em. Pull 'em. Pull 'em.
You're used to that. Hell, his mama
breast-fed him until he was in ninth grade.
Shut your mouth! Ninth grade?
Her nipples ought to have corrosion.
Yeah. That's right.
You ought to see them things.
They look like cake decorator bags.
Dad, stop it. Come on.
Y'all, sometimes I just think
I'm not cut out for this.
Well, hey, it's just a nipple!
Daddy, I'm talking about farming.
Well, hey, farming's hard, Son.
Yes, farming's hard.
You know what else is hard?
Keeping up a lie...
'cause the longer you let it live,
the harder it is to kill.
- Ain't that right?
- You got that right.
You're a smart woman.
- What are you talkin' about?
- What am I talkin' about?
I'm talking about you and Lacey.
You wanna tell Eileen, or you
want me to tell her y'all together?
- Daddy!
- Hey, I didn't say nothin'.
- Who told you?
- You just did.
Whole body language. Tensed up.
When I walked in the house
the other day, I saw them shoes.
I see the way you look at her,
the way she look at you.
- Y'all need to say something.
- It's not me. I wanna tell her.
It's Lacey. She says she doesn't
think she can handle it.
We just need a defibrillator.
She gonna have a heart attack.
She gonna clutch the pearls and die.
But we'll get a defibrillator.
She'll be all right.
But it's all right.
Y'all just dating.
Dating?
They're married.
Oh, she dead.
Flatline. Just...
Dead. Lord have mercy,
that's going to kill her.
Lacey said she's gonna
tell her on Christmas.
She fixin' to kill her
mama on Christmas Day?
- What kind of Christmas present is that?
- Oh, damn.
Y'all better have some
nitroglycerin or something.
That's a damn shame.
Gonna kill that woman on...
Hell, I'm stuck in the mud.
Hell, this ain't mud!
- You all right?
- I done fell in bull...
Keep going. Help each other out.
- Hi. What's going on?
- It's bad.
Oliver called and told the mayor...
that we couldn't have any references
to the nativity or Jesus.
- What?
- The sponsors don't want it.
No. No, something
is wrong. I'll call him.
Well, the mayor wants to see you now.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Who does he think he is?
All right! That's enough!
That's enough!
One at a time!
I'm very upset.
She is trying to take
Christ out of Christmas.
Next thing you know they'll
wanna take prayer out of church!
You see what happened when
they took prayer out of schools.
We did.
Wilbur, what does it say?
Well, the contract says...
no nativity.
No Jesus reference whatsoever.
Not even a little drummer boy.
Unbelievable.
Why didn't it say that the
first time you read it?
Well, it was in the small print.
I didn't have my glasses on.
I didn't have my glasses on!
I couldn't see!
- This is awful!
- Wait.
This has got to be a mistake.
Let me call Oliver. How about that?
All righty. You go right ahead.
I've already talked to him
about this, but have at it.
Okay.
- Put it on speaker.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Hello?
- Hi Oliver.
- Hey. Guess you talked to the mayor.
Yes, we are all here on speakerphone.
Yeah, I don't see
what the big deal is.
They want it to be called Holiday
Jubilee instead of Christmas.
Yeah, and they don't need
references to religious figures.
How do we talk about Christmas
without talking about Jesus?
- Yeah, how do we?
- It happens all the time,
Santa Claus is okay.
Make it about Santa Claus and
not about the birth of Christ.
And the songs for the Jubilee should
be about everything but Christ.
Sing songs like Here Comes
Santa Claus, White Christmas.
White Christmas.
There ain't nothing white about
a Bucktussle, Alabama Christmas!
- It don't snow here!
- That's right.
Okay, Oliver, we did not
sign up for this. Okay?
Yes, you did.
I am a Christian,
and this is some bull...
The heads of the company are
coming down on a private jet...
A private jet.
To be filmed with the
school at the Jubilee,
I did you a favor here,
and this will ruin me.
You can't do this to me now.
I can't just turn them around.
You have to figure this one out.
- You hold on there, son.
- That's right. You get it straight.
With all due respect, Mr. Mayor,
you got the money and we have a deal.
- Give him his money back.
- Yeah.
- We spent it.
- Yeah.
- On what?
- The Jubilee!
And much-needed school supplies.
And catching up on school bills.
Listen, I'm sorry, but we're coming.
This is my career
you're talking about.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Move, move. Now, watch out.
Well, now this is a fine
mess you've gotten us into.
She should be fired.
- Now hold on a second.
- Mr. Mayor...
have you heard?
We were talking about the
changes they want made.
That's not what I was talking about.
I was talking about the sponsor.
- Sheldon Construction.
- What?
That's right.
The same folks...
that built a dam to save Jasper
and left us without a river.
She brought this mess here
and she should be fired.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring...
We don't care what the
hell you meant. Do we?
- No.
- I didn't think so.
You brought an awful situation here.
Get out of here and let us handle it.
- Go back to wherever you come from.
- Now hold on.
You do not have to
talk to her like that.
Mr. Mayor.
You fire her. Right now.
Do it.
- Lacey, I'm sorry.
- There we go.
I understand.
You believe that? Sheldon.
This is a hell of a mess.
You all do your homework, okay?
And... be good for your new teacher.
Where are you going?
I made a mistake...
and now I have to leave.
No. I'll sing. I'll do the solo.
I don't think there's gonna be
a Christmas Jubilee this year.
I don't want you to go.
Bailey, you are so special.
You always remember that.
- Okay?
- Yes, ma'am.
You all are.
I'll see you.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.
Good job, boys.
I just got done telling Madea...
that you was in here all alone
with Eileen, and she said that...
I said you was in here with
the beast of the southern wild.
I tried. That woman is stubborn.
I tried. I asked her if
I could help her cook.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Yeah, I know. She's difficult.
It's all right. She got a problem,
but it's all right.
- Y'all want some lemonade?
- No, I'm good.
- I'm good. Thank you.
- There you are.
I've been worried about you.
You were out there
with them for a while.
Yeah. I was conflicted.
I didn't know if I should look
for you or watch the food.
I didn't let her near our food.
You whisper like a damn bullhorn.
That woman ain't gonna hurt us.
We don't know that, do we?
What y'all talking about over there?
She just thinks y'all
are tryin' to kill us.
- Tryin' to kill you?
- Good heavens!
- You're nuts!
- I've never hurt a flea or a fly.
I've seen her shoot
a deer once though.
I never. I would never shoot little
Bambi sipping water in a pond.
I'm just gonna ask y'all.
I'm gonna put it out on the table.
- Be honest.
- What is it?
Y'all in the Ku Klux Klan?
- That's what she wanna know.
- Get outta here!
Heavens no. Why would she...
- Buddy, the other night with the sheet.
- Oh, with the sheet!
Yes! Explain that.
We used to play this game, all right?
Buddy and I, when we
were young, he would...
It was called the
Ghost and the Damsel.
And he would blindfold me.
Then he'd put a sheet
above himself...
and then I would have
to search about...
and capture the rapture,
if you know what I mean.
Mama!
I am sorry, Conner.
- That's just nasty.
- Sorry, Son.
- But I like it.
- I know.
It can be fun. It can be.
That is so inappropriate.
You two need to learn how to
respect my daughter's house.
- Eileen, you might wanna let that go.
- No.
They come in here taking
advantage of her...
eating her food, and they're
acting like they own the place.
- I don't like it.
- You need to let that go.
Well, I don't like...
- Mama...
- that you...
Mama, sit down.
You cut down my family's memory tree.
That's what I don't like.
Excuse me?
I can deal with a lot of things.
They know it.
But this is downright wrong...
and now I am getting very upset!
Why would you plant his memory
tree on my daughter's land...
and how was I supposed to know that?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because it had a
yellow ribbon around it?
That doesn't mean anything.
In most countries, in most places,
to sane-thinking people...
a yellow ribbon means something.
Now you just calm down, missy. Okay?
Now, Lacey, are you gonna
let her talk to me like this?
- Mama, calm down.
- Put your finger down...
or I will cut it off and deep-fry it!
You need to leave my
daughter's house.
- Mama, stop it! Stop!
- No!
Eileen, you need to
stop right now, honey.
What are they doing here anyway?
Tomorrow is Christmas!
They are not your family!
- Let's get out of here.
- No, hold up.
Come on back here.
Ain't nobody going nowhere.
- Now, Madea...
- Ain't nobody goin' no damn where.
Madea, whose side are you on?
- Let 'em leave.
- No, I'm on the side of right.
- That's the side I'm on. Lacey?
- Yes.
- Tell your mama.
- What? Tell me what?
Spit it out before I punch you,
put your teeth down your throat!
Mama... Conner and I are married.
- Catch her.
- Get the defibrillator.
Lacey. Your father.
I know, Mama. I know he was
murdered by a white man, but...
- What happened?
- What?
My father was killed by a
white man on Christmas Eve...
trying to protect my mother's honor.
- That's awful.
- Good Lord.
- Who told you that?
- Mama.
Eileen, you oughta be ashamed...
Child, that's some straight-up bull...
Madea!
Your daddy wasn't
killed by no white man.
He left your mama for a white
woman when you was two...
and your mama has been bitter
with white people ever since.
- What?
- Yes, years ago.
Ran off and joined the circus.
And now they on Glee,
Good show.
Glee? Mama, is this true?
Mama!
Lacey, I am so disappointed in you.
Look at her trying to
turn it around on you.
Girl, please.
You're disappointed in me?
Well, that went well.
At least she didn't have
another heart attack.
- Another one?
- Yeah, Madea.
Didn't you know that my mother
had a heart attack last year?
Your mama lied to you. She had gas.
Got to the doctor, she was clutching
her heart and the pearls.
Got there, doctor say it's gas.
- Wait, what?
- They put one of them rods up there.
Came flowing out like the River Jordan
and that was it. It was all over.
I had that once too.
Put it in there, come out sounding
like brakes coming out of...
The air pressure coming
out of one of them big rigs.
There it is. Then they tell
her she had heartburn.
- She didn't have no heart attack.
- She had heartburn?
She needs some of that Prilosec OTC.
She been manipulating you.
She as healthy as an ox.
Well, that woman's a
pretty pissed off ox.
Don't get behind her.
Don't light a match. Don't get
her next to an open flame.
We'll all have burnt heads.
Yeah, her farts can spell
her name, they so bad.
- Mama, he got her fired.
- That's all right. I'm upset too.
We should go, boy. We got work to do.
Why'd you do that to Mrs. Williams?
You know, she's a nice lady.
Why'd you get her fired?
You don't know what's
going on here, Bailey.
I know you don't like people
'cause of the way they look.
That ain't right! That's what
kids do to me at school!
It ain't fair. She's nice to me.
Don't you ever...
talk to me like that again.
You hear me?
Get out on that plow.
He is right, and you know it.
She made a deal with the devil.
No, you're actin' more like
the devil than she is.
And this is Christmas, Tanner.
This child still sitting out there.
That's just crazy as hell.
Where y'all going?
Well, Miss Media,
we're gonna bring her...
My name is Madea, honey.
- Madea.
- Thank you.
We're gonna bring her hot chocolate
to warm her hard, hard heart.
Hot chocolate does wonders.
It's delicious.
That's what got y'all in trouble,
the hot chocolate.
Your son with the hot chocolate.
I'm telling you. Let me
explain something to you.
Let me make this clear to y'all.
Leave her out there.
She is grown, sitting there.
If she want to come in the house,
she know how to get in. Leave her alone.
We're gonna go out and try.
We'll talk to her a bit.
Go on. Go on.
Okay. You better wear a cup.
That's comforting.
Boy, this is something else,
isn't it? It's freezing.
Remember, Buddy,
kill her with kindness.
My weenie is an inny right now.
Try to have as much charm with your
voice as you do with your weenie.
Well, tell you what.
I ain't used to this cold weather.
I know. All right?
I'm gonna have to wipe
with an ice scraper tonight.
Smile's all in patience.
Ask the Lord.
Lord, help us. The Serenity Prayer.
There ain't no cabs out here.
You wanna come back in the house?
I'm fine right here.
I made you some pipin' hot chocolate.
Thank you. I don't
want any chocolate.
My son likes chocolate.
Go ahead and laugh. This is awful.
What's so awful about it?
What world are you living in?
They are asking for trouble.
Eileen, I...
Mrs. Murphy to you.
Miss Murphy, you can take a knife
and cut all three of us right now.
You know what's gonna happen?
We're gonna bleed red.
Blood red. We're all the same inside.
That's true.
Mrs. Murphy, if I may...
our children, no matter what we think,
they will live their own lives.
- The world is changing.
- Not that much.
It is changing,
and that is a good thing.
Every generation sees
a little less division...
and a little more open
minds and open hearts.
I think we should be
happy and proud...
that our kids, our children...
see people as people.
That was beautiful.
- That was unbelievable.
- Thank you. I mean it.
Come in the house and get
to know us. We're good folks.
I know damn well you hear
me calling you. Eileen!
Traitor!
- Satan!
- Judas!
Beelzebub!
Come in. It is cold.
You got these people out here trying
to tempt you back in the house...
like a wet cat on a cold Sunday
morning who needs some milk.
Come in the house.
You're out here freezing.
Your ankles is whiter than snow.
Look like you been kicking flour.
My gosh, they are white.
Look, we are related.
I will not step into
that house of lies.
The girl is married. You can't
control every minute of her life.
Do you understand? It is Christmas.
Give this child the gift of being
able to do whatever she want to do.
You can't run her life for her.
Do you understand that?
Ain't no cab comin'. You gonna
be sitting out here freezin'.
We gonna come out here tomorrow,
you gonna be a black Statue of Liberty...
just sitting down on your ass.
Come on in the house!
You know what? That's fine.
You don't want to come in
'cause you mad about something?
You can't get everything your way.
You ever woke up on Christmas morning
and didn't get the gift you wanted?
This is it. You didn't get the gift you
wanted. Bring your ass in the house.
Y'all wastin' your time,
'cause she stubborn as a mule.
I'm going in. You wanna sit out here
and freeze, sit your ass out here...
sit your ass out here and freeze!
Sit there as long as you want.
I don't give a damn.
Sit there and turn
into a damn Popsicle!
Freeze all the hell you want.
You done lost your damn mind!
Amen.
Come on inside. You'll freeze
to death. Ain't no cab coming.
- I can't believe that.
- We tried our best.
Let's go in and play
charades with Madea.
Then I will walk to town.
And I'll take the Greyhound bus.
I don't need none of them.
Not one of them.
Hey.
Your mama's still out in the cold.
You may want to talk to her.
- She doesn't want to talk to me.
- You sure about that?
I know my mother.
Apparently you don't know
her as well as you think.
And what's that supposed to mean?
She's been manipulating
you your entire life.
She lied to you about your daddy
and about her heart attacks.
It's just not right.
Can you stop talking
about my mother now?
I'm not talkin' about your mother.
I'm just statin' the obvious.
I'm not trying to attack you or her.
Good, because I've been
attacked enough today.
Between my mother and my job and...
It's just all a bit much.
And everybody's mad at me
because of the sponsor...
I didn't know it was from
Sheldon Construction Company.
Tanner McCoy. Yeah, okay.
- What about Tanner?
- Nothing.
- Baby.
- I said "nothing."
What did Tanner do?
He was so nasty.
And then he got me fired.
- Conner.
- Son of a bitch.
Conner, where are you going?
- Hey, what's going on?
- I mentioned Tanner and he lost it.
- Conner!
- I've been waiting to see this.
- I'm goin' with you, boy.
- Conner!
Conner!
Hot dog, it's cold out here.
It's all right. It's all right then.
Help!
What in the...
Oh, Jesus, no, you don't.
- Hey.
- Someone there? Hello?
I'm here.
I can't move.
All right now. We gotta
get outta here. Come on.
- I'm stuck.
- Can you move your...
My leg's caught.
I don't wanna die.
- Nobody's gonna die.
- I have a little boy.
Push.
I got you.
Got it.
Go ahead.
I got you.
You're good. How are your legs? Okay.
- How's your head?
- All right.
All right. Get up. Get up.
Help. Help.
Get off my mother-in-law,
you son of a bitch!
- Hey! Don't hurt him! Stop it!
- Leave him be!
Come on!
Don't you ever, ever say a word to
my wife again. You understand me?
- What did he say about Lacey?
- Get in the truck.
I will not step foot
back in that house!
I am not in the mood
for your foolishness.
Now get your ass in that truck!
Now I'm plantin' corn...
and there ain't a damn
thing you can do about it.
Get out of here.
Babe, I wish you
wouldn't have done that.
It had to be done.
Nothing stops somebody like him from
bullying people except pushing back.
That's right. That kid's been a terror
to Conner since he was a little boy.
I'm glad you done what you did, Son.
I'm proud of you.
Stood up for himself,
and that's a good thing.
I'm with you, Lacey. I don't like it.
I just wanna tell you
all how sorry I am.
I should have told my
mom from the beginning.
That is the truth.
You should've told her.
We have met your mama
and we understand.
She crazy as hell. Didn't I tell you?
- She's cuckoo.
- That's right.
I don't like you all
talking about me.
No, Mrs. Murphy, I'm sorry.
We were just saying that God
makes everyone different...
and you are a gem in God's ring.
And I don't like the
way you spoke to me.
Well, I'm sorry. I was angry.
- What did you say?
- He told her to get her ass in the truck.
- And what did you do?
- She got her ass in the truck.
Go ahead and laugh.
Hold on, Eileen.
Y'all need to let all this go.
You lied. She done lie. Everybody lied.
Here a lie, there a lie.
It's Christmas now. You need to
go down there and buy her a tree.
And plant it in the backyard.
Get her a ribbon.
- A yellow one.
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted to give my
daughter a proper wedding.
Mama, you've always been overbearing.
I did it for me. Not for you.
I love you, and I'm sorry...
that I didn't tell you,
but this is my life.
And he loves me,
and he treats me oh so well.
I'm sorry. I just didn't
want you to get hurt.
Mama, he's not gonna hurt me.
He's as gentle as a lamb.
No, he's not. He beat that
man down to the ground.
Come on. That guy had it comin',
and everybody knows it.
Well, he did say he
was protecting you.
I love your daughter, Miss Murphy.
I'll never let anything
happen to her. I promise.
That makes two of us.
Okay. Well, this is all new to me.
I don't know, but... I'll try.
Nothing beats a failure but a try.
- Now we're making some progress.
- Yeah.
A try's a try, right?
Oh, boy. That's Tanner.
That's trouble.
He's still got it.
I knew you got it in you.
- Now, don't.
- Baby...
You get off my property, Tanner McCoy,
before I knock you on your ass again.
- Give him a chance.
- He's just coming here to start trouble.
- No, he's not.
- I want to apologize.
- What?
- I want to...
say thank you.
- I'm sorry. I didn't get your name.
- Eileen.
Miss Eileen.
He told me what you did
for him. So... thank you.
Oh, thank you!
He really is a good man.
He's just been so troubled...
with all that's been
going on with the dam.
Thank you.
Tanner, I've been working
on a new strain of corn...
that doesn't need as much water.
I could use your help with it.
Yeah. I'd be glad to.
I'm sorry I wanted to get you fired.
I'm gonna talk to the
mayor tomorrow. Promise.
I'm sure he's still very upset.
Having to choose between going
on with Jubilee or getting sued...
is pretty crazy.
The town's going on with it,
but we're not happy...
about not being able to say
Jesus or celebrate his birth.
You know, Bailey's been practicing...
and all the kids are really sad.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that,
and I have an idea.
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
- We are live...
- Look at all the news vans.
This old town has never
had this much attention.
Well, since the whorehouse
closed down in 1970.
- That was a sad day.
- What do you think about the celebration?
Well, I say Christmas is about Jesus.
I ran down here. I ran for my life!
'Cause I was gonna start a fire.
"O Lord Jesus is a fire."
Ain't nobody got time for that.
- Hell no.
- Hold on there.
- We need to shut this down.
- Just wait a sec.
See what she's got to say.
I told them to hide the kids,
hide they wife...
and hide they Santa Claus,
'cause it's crazy around here.
Thank you so much. This is lovely.
I got a candy apple.
Where y'all went?
Merry Christmas. How you doing?
Where y'all went?
There they is, over there.
Hey, Oliver, how ya doin'?
Good to see you. Good to
see you. All right, all right.
Listen, listen, we have a contract.
You see those people over there?
They are very powerful.
You have to take down the nativity.
Okay, that's it.
May I have everyone's attention?
What is she doing?
Hello, Bucktussle.
I want to thank you all for coming
out to the Christmas Jubilee.
- Look at your daughter.
- Isn't she beautiful?
I'd also like to thank Sheldon
Construction Company...
for sponsoring this
Christmas celebration.
Christmas is about giving back,
and with all the world watching...
not only did Sheldon Construction
Company fund this event...
but they've also agreed to release...
150,000 gallons of water a day
down the river to the farmers.
Thank you.
- What are you doing?
- Giving goodwill towards men.
- Thank you, Mr. Sheldon.
- She's smart.
- I told you.
- Aren't you glad you didn't do anything?
- You care about getting back...
- Yeah.
To the heart of who we are as people.
You are so proud to
be a part of a town...
that doesn't mind keeping
the Christ in Christmas...
so much so, that they are
presenting the McCoy School...
with $100,000 a year
for the next four years.
- Yeah! Yes!
- Yes, yes!
Such a fantastic Christmas
gift to the city, sir.
- Can you give us a comment?
- So without further ado...
let the Christmas Jubilee begin.
Come on.
Well, hello, Bucktussle,
and welcome...
welcome to the Christmas
Jubilee and Fair.
The children of McCoy School...
have put together a little
presentation for us all...
and this has all been under the
direction of their current teacher...
May be wrong for that.
I am so proud of the kids.
Mrs. Lacey Williams.
- Did she say, "Mrs. Lacey Williams"?
- It was all her idea.
- Yep, she did.
- So, thank you, Lacey, for everything.
And now the children of McCoy School,
featuring Bailey McCoy.
That's my boy!
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy
Would give sight to the blind man?
Mary, did you know
- That your baby boy
- Hey, baby.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Would calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy
Has walked where angels trod
And when you kiss your little baby
You have kissed the face of God?
Mary, did you
Know?
You don't need to
have no lingerie on.
Eileen, tell him we've been shopping
at Tifton's for over 15 years.
Yes, okay. I'm gonna help her.
Okay, go help her. Fifteen years.
Well, 15 years ago maybe
that lingerie worked.
But now the lingerie
don't work, honey.
You are so insulting!
I am not insulting.
I am telling you the truth.
You shouldn't have
on no damn lingerie.
I'm trying to save you
some embarrassment.
Put on that damn lingerie, look like
you got hair damage on your ass.
I mean, come on now. Come on, honey.
I'm trying to help y'all.
- Is this good?
- There you go trying to control everything.
- I am not trying to...
- Let me get the lines clean.
Let me get the eye lines clean...
'cause I got a single on
me and a single on you.
And Maysie's sitting in the
editing room right now cussing...
'cause we're talking
all over each other.
Lacey, you do not
have a Christmas tree!
- Mama.
- What? No, really!
That's why you wanted me here...
- Yup, that's exactly why.
- I'll clean up and straighten out.
I'm gonna take this room.
Let me go straighten up a little.
- Then we'll go...
- She talks so much.
- Is this one yours, Madea?
- All right, come on.
What you talking about?
You just talking all over everybody.
- Hi.
- Look, they do it in unison.
They all do it in unison.
That's nice. Unison is nice.
The unison is very nice.
You tryin' to correct me?
I say it's "u-nis-on."
No, Aunt Madea.
So I have a meeting down the hall...
Any unison when they sang unison.
No, ma'am, it's not.
But that's fine. That's okay.
I have a meeting down the hall...
I thought it was "unison",
and "a cappollo."
When they sang in no music,
what is that?
No music?
Yeah, when you sang and there ain't
no music, ain't that a "cappollo"?
No, that's a cappella.
I don't know much about music.
Me and Ike Turner didn't make it.
He went on with Tina.
That's okay. That's okay.
I would beat the hell out of him.
Ike wasn't gonna put his hands
on me. That's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry. Say what you're
saying to the children.
- Are you done? Okay.
- Yes!
I have a meeting down the hall...
You ain't getting testy with me, are you?
Talkin' about "Are you done?"
- No, of course not.
- Okay.
Let's start over from the top, 'cause
that's gonna make it in the gag reel.
Speed.
- White lightning?
- Yeah, moonshine.
You want to take a snort?
Nope, I'll pass.
Boy, it'll put some hair on
your chest, I'll guarantee ya.
Stop it. Come on.
Talk about hair on your chest.
I could French-braid his.
That's right. I could
put a little bow on it.
She's too pretty to have
hair on her chest. Really.
I gotta tell you, I got rid of mine.
Little bat hairs
attached to needles...
soaked in cucumber juice
and a boatload of Nair.
Gone, like that, if you
ever have a problem with...
I've seen a mosquito
so daggone big...
it was dry-humping a wiener
dog right there on the porch.
She's way prettier than the
last one. She looked like...
Tyler Perry.
Boy, I tell you what, Son,
she's way prettier...
than that last girl you was with.
Good night. She looked
like old Tyler Perry.
All right. Keep going.
Oh, my God.
Where are my manners?
I'll do one it one more time. Ready?
Where are my manners?
But this'un,
you done good on this'un.
Shut the...
I need to introduce myself,
but where are my manners?
I am...
- All right.
- It's okay, Mama.
I know. It's gonna roll at the
end of the movie. All right.
I'm a truck driver.
Been out on the road a lot.
Long-haul truck driver.
You run long hos?
No, long haul.
Oh, haw, like haw.
- Hauling.
- Oh, hauling.
Like your eucalyptus.
Menthol. "Hall." Haul.
Not "hole." Haul.
- A hole, a haul, okay.
- But anyway...
he still lives here, that Tanner.
Kid's still beating him up?
Yeah, he's still beating him up.
The little kid?
He's too big for that.
No, he's big now.
He's a regular-sized kid.
I mean, he growed with...
He growed with Conner.
Tanner, he's regular size.
He ain't like a dwarf or nothin'.
- He growed?
- Yeah, he growed up that tall.
He ain't a dwarf. I mean,
shoot, he'd take a dwarf.
He'd kick ass out of a dwarf.
Hell, I hope so.
It's just regular-sized
kids he got trouble with.
- Okay. Okay.
- But he's good in the dwarf department.
I need a dictionary to keep
up with you sometime, honey.
If you're gonna do it, then you
need to do it and keep doin' her...
and then when you're done doin' her,
you keep doin' her again...
'cause you wanna keep doin'
what it is you need to do...
in order to do what
you need to be doin'.
Ain't that right?
She told you that lie too?
She didn't have no damn heart attack.
She had gas. We got her to the hospital,
they said she had gas.
What?
They ran one of them pipes in there,
she farted, it was over.
Yeah, she had gas.
She had gas. She had gas.
They hit her in the stomach real
hard and she farted. It was over.
Then she had heartburn.
Sounds like she needs
some Prilosec OTC.
Get out my way!
I don't need to be here
in this stuck-up-ass...
bougie-ass store nowhere.
I don't need to be up in
there with y'all! Go to hell!
Where's my damn car?
Where's my damn car?
Shut the hell up.
Cut.