A Nonsense Christmas with Sabrina Carpenter (2024) Movie Script
1
Ooh
Ba-doo-doo-doo
If you were a wise man
Baby, you would drop
Every other ho ho ho
And put me on top
Up there on your tree
You better treat me like a star
Spend your cookie dough, dough, dough
Spend it on my heart
Skip the jet
Send a sleigh
It's a packed holiday
And I got options, babe
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here
From the North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stocking filled
Well, I know somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Buy me presents, baby
He's a little bit older
Got a bit of a dad bod
From a city that's colder
But damn it, he's so hot
He knows when I'm sleeping
And he knows when I'm not
I haven't, like, seen him in a while
He's probably just busy at his workshop
Skip the jet
- Send a sleigh
- Send a sleigh
It's a packed holiday
And I got options, babe
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here
From the North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stocking filled
Well, I know somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Buy me presents, baby
Come on, everyone!
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here
From the North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stocking filled
Well, I know somebody who will
Welcome to A Nonsense Christmas.
You could've been anywhere tonight,
spending time with family,
helping the less fortunate,
but instead, you're here,
half watching a big screen
while scrolling social media
on a smaller screen,
and for that, I'm forever grateful.
This special isn't just
about Christmas though.
We're celebrating all the holidays.
So, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa,
and happy birthday, Natalie.
There's gotta be at least one person named
Natalie whose birthday is today, right?
Well, either way, strap on
because tonight,
I'm in the mood for a little nonsense.
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
They gave me a special
They said it would test well
As if I had fear
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all
The champagne is bubbling
Entendres are doubling
When I deck your halls
It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all
There'll be songs all crescendoing
Hot innuendoing
Dancers who flex and keep time
There'll be wit for the smarties
And you know the best part is
It's all on Netflix's dime
No, seriously, they told me I could have
an unlimited budget as long as I go viral,
so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.
My leg!
He'll be fine.
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
If you're hot and you're young
And your stocking's well hung
By the chimney with care
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
There'll be singing and jesting
Celebrity guesting
Huge packages under the tree
I'll be playing my bangers
With elf doppelgngers
So please, please, please
Have faith in me
There are comedy specials,
and there are music specials,
and there are holiday specials.
But who does
musical comedy holiday specials?
A lot of people.
But do those specials
have celebrity guests?
Yes, they do!
Everyone with a musical comedy holiday
special does them with celebrity guests,
and this is one of those.
There'll be divas so stunning
And seasonal punning
And costumes in red and in green
You can watch with your aunties
I might mention panties
But don't fret, its TV-14
Which means
I'm allowed to say "fuck" three times.
Fuck.
Just one left.
Anyways...
Here we are.
We've arrived at my set. Isn't this cute?
It's exactly what my house looked like
growing up.
A tree, three walls,
and a live studio audience.
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
Well, I've learned all my blocking
So please stuff my stocking
With holiday cheer
It's the most nonsense time
Yes, the most nonsense time
What's a third really good rhyme?
Of the year
You're in luck.
I've trimmed my tree just for you.
Let's start the show.
Happy holidays.
What if it's like, "Happy holiday..."
No, I'm not British. Okay.
Maybe drier.
Happy holidays.
All right, stand by!
Like, happy holidays.
That's, like, a bit too sultry.
We are rolling. We are rolling.
Quiet, please.
I'm not gonna say it.
Okay!
Oh my God.
Guys, it's frozen.
Oh, it's not frozen. Action.
Ooh!
Little beans.
So cute!
Mwah!
Want a drink?
Oh wow. Thank God we installed
that seasonal doorbell.
It's Tyla, everybody!
Hang all the mistletoe
I'm gonna get to know you better
This Christmas
And as we trim the tree
How much fun it's gonna be together
This Christmas
Fireside is blazing bright
We're caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me
Tell 'em, Tyla.
Presents and cards are here
My world is filled with cheer and you
This Christmas
And as I look around
Your eyes outshine the town
They do
This Christmas
Fireside is blazing bright
And we're caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me
Shake a hand, shake a hand now
Come on, everybody. Let's dance.
You all better be standing
wherever you guys are watching this.
If you're in your living rooms,
come on, dance with us.
Shake it, shake it, shake it
Merry Christmas to your brothers.
To your sisters.
To your mister.
To your cousins.
To your dogs? What?
Fireside is blazing bright
We're caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas
For me
Shake a hand, shake a hand now
Hey, hey, come on
Let's party, everybody.
Merry Christmas to everyone back home.
Merry Christmas, Sabrina.
- Merry Christmas, Tyla.
- Yes.
My feathers are all over this place.
Cut, and we cut, and we cut.
Starting from
when I was two years old,
my dad would get his VHS
and film our Christmas morning
every single year.
And for some reason,
I never wanted to open my presents.
I just wanted chocolate cake.
- Oh my gosh!
- Dad.
When we're done opening our presents,
can we have a piece of cake?
Is that all you think about?
I just had an ulterior motive,
and it was chocolate.
And it kinda still is.
So... there's the story.
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there
Through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Only I can do that
Why don't you just come over?
You've been acting so cold
No, I don't want nothing crazy
Just wanna get you alone
And all of this snow is falling
I can make you fall too
So tell me what's on your wish list
I wanna make it come true
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there
Through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Only I can do that
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I know all of your favorite songs
Pick up each time you call
So why can't I be the one
To give you everything you want?
I
Want you to tell me
That you feel the same way
I
Don't think I'm gonna make it
Through the winter
Well, don't you wanna wrap me up
And mistle-touch under the tree?
He won't bring you somebody
That loves you more than me
- No
- Santa
- He doesn't know you like I do
- Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there
Through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Only I can do that
Santa
- Doesn't know you like I do
- Doesn't know you like I do
I know all of your favorite songs
Pick up each time you call
So why can't I be the one
To give you everything you want?
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
Well, maybe this Christmastime
You'll finally realize
That I could be the one
To give you everything you want
I'm working late
Because I'm Santa
Sabrina, can I pitch you
a "Nonsense" outro?
Girl, this season's
Got me feeling feral
Gotta love a dirty Christmas carol
I love it when I don my gay apparel
- If, like, this was gay, this was gayer.
- Right.
- Do you love that?
- Yeah...
- I'd use it if I were you.
- Owen, I gotta go to set.
- No worries.
- Don't sing at me again.
Have a good day.
Debbie, I cannot wait
to finally get to meet your man.
You've been a bad friend ever since
getting into a relationship. I'm kidding!
No, I know.
It's like since we're long distance,
it's just been so hard
to combine the friend groups, you know?
- Well, I promise we will love him.
- Aw.
Oh, speak of the devil!
He's walking up, guys.
- So fun.
- Ho ho ho ho ho!
Oh ho ho! There's my nice girl!
Come on over.
Oh my.
Oh! You guys, everyone,
this is my boyfriend, Nick.
Well, it is great to meet you.
I've heard nothing but great things.
Aw. Same, um, as us.
Yeah. Uh...
Uh, can I get you anything?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe a warm glass of milk.
Yuck.
Ooh, and an oversized
chocolate-chip cookie
dusted lightly with candy cane shards,
if you've got it.
Oh bummer. I think we're out of shards.
I'm sorry, are people saying "sharts"?
- "Shards."
- Oh, look at that.
- My clothes are all covered in soot.
- Oh no! Oh no!
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey. This is actually insane,
but, um, that's Santa Claus, right?
Oh my God.
What kind of a messed-up thing
is that to say?
What?
Debbie, it's not messed up. Hello.
Come on. The big, white, scruffy beard.
So? He did "No-Shave November."
- He has the classic big belly.
- Yeah.
And there it is. The body shaming.
Wow. Wow.
What is this, Mean Girls the movie?
The musical?
Okay, chill out.
He's jolly. He's sweet.
He's not Santa.
Okay, we'll drop it. He's not Santa.
- No one's Santa, I guess.
- Yeah.
- And he's back!
- Oh, hey.
Oh!
I forgot the presents. They're in the car.
- Oh, that's so sweet of you, Nick.
- So nice.
So what does he do for a living
that he can buy us all gifts?
He told me, but I zoned out
because it was boring.
I think he's, like, a toy manufacturer
or something.
Uh, Deb, that's what Santa does.
No, because it doesn't pay.
What? Why doesn't it pay?
Yeah. He doesn't make money
or have any credit cards. So?
- That's creepy.
- That's weird.
Is your boyfriend on the roof?
I mean, he's probably, like,
fixing something up there.
He's super handy 'cause, you know,
my boyfriend can actually make something,
like a man.
Your boyfriend's just a lazy surgeon.
What the hell, Deb?
Besides, guys, if he was Santa,
then why is he so good in bed?
I'm sorry, is Santa supposed to be,
like, bad in bed?
No.
If you read
the original Turkish folklore text,
Santa doesn't last.
I didn't read that.
I brought very intentional gifts.
- How thoughtful.
- Here you are, my boy.
- It's not weird at all.
- Wow.
- Oh my God, a Nerf Vortex Vigilon.
- Thank you for my gift.
I loved these growing up.
I asked Santa for this every year.
A Tickle Me Elmo.
Oh.
A Tickle Me Elmo.
The only time I ever admitted to wanting
one of these is my letter to Santa Claus
when I was 15.
Well, if he's really Santa,
then he'd know the only thing
I asked for as a little girl
was to sing a duet with Shania Twain.
Sorry.
Is that Mrs. Claus?
Is my husband here?
Your husband?
You're married?!
We've been married 400 years.
Yes, but after the first hundred,
we decided to be open.
That was my idea.
- Santa!
- Santa!
He's not Santa!
Thank you.
Thank you guys so much
for coming to be in this sketch.
Oh my God, it's so fun.
I love your set kitchen, by the way.
Does any of the stuff really work?
No, but we're gonna fix it all in post.
- Yum! Delicious.
- Wow!
Hi, Shania.
- All right, Sabrina.
- Are you ready?
I'm so ready.
Santa baby
Slip a sable under the tree
For me
Been an awfully good girl
Santa baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Mmm, Santa baby
A '54 convertible too
Light blue
Yeah, I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Oh
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas
That I haven't kissed
Well, next year I could
Be just as good
If you checked off my Christmas list
Santa baby
I want a yacht, and really that's not
- That's it?
- That's not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Mmm, Santa honey
One little thing I really need
The deed
To a platinum mine
Santa baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Sing it!
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations
Bought at Tiffany
I really do believe in you
And let's see if you believe in me
Santa baby
Forgot to mention one little thing
A ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby
- So hurry down the chimney tonight
- Hey
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Uh-huh
- Hurry down the chimney tonight
- Yes, sir
- I said hurry down the chimney tonight
- Hurry
Hurry down the chimney
Tonight
Shania Twain, everybody.
- That was beautiful, Sabrina.
- So beautiful!
Oh my God. I can't believe you're here.
Sabrina!
Thank you, guys!
I'm one of those girls who believes
it's better to give than receive
when it comes to presents.
I love to spoil my family.
Hey, you haven't given me anything yet.
Right.
Okay.
So what? He just, like, hangs out?
Yeah, when he's not at work.
- What's his job again?
- Oh, I forget.
Seriously, what the hell do I get him?
A phone charger.
I love it!
I've always needed one of these.
You're so interesting.
Where'd you get this?
You're like a genius.
You're really something special, Sabrina.
May I hug you?
Yeah. Okay.
You made this a really awesome Christmas.
I really care about you.
- Honey, stop hugging my sister.
- Oh, I'm sorry about that.
What the f&%
Do I get my brother-in-law?
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Yeah?
Um, I got an idea for you.
I don't know if you're open to...
Sure.
This is not what I usually do, so...
- But, um, yeah.
- Okay.
- Let me know what you're... thinking.
- Well, I'll just do it.
- Okay, cool. Just, like, go.
- Um...
Why's everybody always lying to me?
You gotta stop lying to me
Everybody I know is lying to me
I wish they'd stop lying to me
So, like, a... It's like a song?
I mean, like, to me, the whole...
It's more the spirit of, like...
Why's everybody always lying to me?
Oh, the spirit.
You gotta stop lying to me
Yeah... Yeah, it's, like,
less holiday maybe than we were going...
- Okay.
- ...for.
The network might not get it.
The elves keep lying to me
Maybe if you say "the elves."
Actually, yeah.
If you say "the elves," maybe.
- Okay, cool.
- Cool.
- I'll type something up.
- Okay.
- What is your email?
- Let me get you my manager's info.
- No, I'd like your personal email.
- Okay.
Setting for the duet with Kali Uchis.
All right, steady cam is up.
All right, ladies, you ready?
Here we go.
Action.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep
Then I saw Mommy
Tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would've been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
I saw Mommy kissing
Kissing, kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
What a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
Oh, what a laugh it would've been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Last night
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
Yo, Cratchit, what up?
Yes, you have work tomorrow.
Why? 'Cause it's Christmas?
What, are we 12, dude?
No, we have content to create.
Yeah.
Be here at nine with a ring light
and Nobu breakfast sushi, okay?
All right. Humbug, player.
Adis.
Wakey-wakey.
Annie? Uh, what are you doing here?
I'm the spirit of Ghosted Past.
We went on five dates,
and I never heard from you again.
- I... got really busy at work.
- Mm.
- And then I... and then I lost my phone.
- Mm.
No. I saw you peeping my stories.
That's strange. That's really weird.
I gotta talk to Zuck about that.
If you didn't want to keep seeing me,
you should've just told me.
I really liked you.
What it was was I went out of town.
- I went to this place with no service...
- Ugh, shut up.
You ghosted me, and it made me feel crazy
when you're the one that couldn't handle
"an honest conversation."
Because telling someone
you don't wanna date them is awkward AF.
It's worse to leave someone on read!
Learn from this!
Hi.
Allie. How... how'd you get in here?
Oh, I figured out where you live
from the breadcrumbs you left
on your TikTok for me to find.
- What?
- Haven't heard from you in a couple days.
And you said we were going to go see
Wicked together, so here I am.
Right. Right. Yes.
I... I did say that, didn't I?
I am the spirit of Ghosted Present,
and is it just me or are you ignoring me
until I go away?
Allie. It ain't even like that.
You love bombed me for a month,
then I never heard from you.
Is it something I did? Is it...
It's not you. It's him.
W... Oh my God. Ghosted Past?
Wait. Oh my God. Ghosted Present.
- I hate that we're meeting like this.
- I know.
- I love your bangs. They're cute.
- Thank you.
I got them 'cause he ghosted me, so...
By the way,
you're about to get ghosted too.
- What?!
- Ladies, ladies, please.
I'm a good guy.
- I'm an uncle to daughters.
- Okay, why aren't you texting me back?
Life has been crazy.
I mean, my boy Cratchit,
he's got this son with a... crazy cough.
Bob Cratchit?
You barely pay him for editing out
your falls in your skateboard videos.
And you invented energy-drink cologne,
so we know the money is there.
Whatever. Get off my jock.
Whoo!
Ebby?
Hey. Hi.
It's Bri. From Coachella.
The Sahara Tent.
Right. Bri, yes.
Hello. How is your bird?
Oh, still sick.
But I'm so happy
we ran into each other here.
- Yeah. Me too. Hey.
- So fun.
Yeah. Wait. Let me get your number.
- Oh, yeah.
- What?!
- No!
- No! No.
- You're gonna get ghosted.
- What?
You're the spirit of Ghosted Future, babe.
He's not gonna change.
But he seems so sweet. Oh.
Ugh, I can't believe I even liked you.
You know what? We should just hang out.
Yes!
- Oh my God!
- Okay, stop, stop.
Stop, please.
I've seen the errors of my ways.
I'm gonna text back.
I'm gonna be transparent.
And I'm gonna have honest conversations,
even if they're the difficult ones.
Cratchit? Hey, hombre.
It's Ebby Scrouge.
You don't have to make content tomorrow.
It's Christmas!
It's actually no big deal.
I like girls anyway.
Ladies, turkey leg for you.
Oh.
- Turkey leg for you.
- Thanks.
Turkey leg for you.
- Is it vegan?
- Just... just take it.
All right. Merry Christmas!
And God bless us, every one.
My mic is also in between my butt cheeks.
Cut the cam.
What up? It's Nico.
Happy holidays.
Shout out to Sabrina.
Thank you for having me.
Merry Christmas.
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Hey, Cara.
Are you working on the new lyrics
for your "Nonsense" outro?
No, and I'm kind of worried.
I'm really feeling the pressure.
I just don't wanna, like,
disappoint the fans, you know?
Don't worry. It's... it's easy, right?
I've got one.
- Gotta give a shoutout to my boy, Nick.
- Oh.
Wouldn't let him hit it,
just the cane tip.
Guess I stayed consistent
with my strange tricks. Right?
- Yeah.
- No?
- You can use it. Just give me 10%.
- It's not the worst one I've ever heard.
- It's not the worst.
- It's not.
I hope I helped. Bye!
Take the tinsel out of your hair
as soon as possible.
You love it.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
Ill give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, its been a year
It doesn't surprise me
"Merry Christmas"
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you"
I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know youd fool me again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
Ill give it to someone special
A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
Im hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My God
I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover
With a fire in his heart
A man under cover
But you tore me apart
Ooh
Now I've found a real love
Youll never fool me again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
And this year, to save me from tears
Ill give it to someone special
Ill give it to someone
Special
Ill give it to someone special
Special
Maybe next year.
Maybe.
A face on a lover
With a fire in his heart
- Made you mine
- A man under cover
But you tore him apart
I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special
I saw you laughing
In one of his pictures
But you'll be the one
With his ring on your finger
There's red and green everywhere
But I'm so blue
Cindy Lou Who
Maybe he met you
Somewhere in the desert
While he was soul-searching
He found someone better
Guess you make him happy
Like I couldn't do
Cindy Lou Who
With your hair so long, lips so red
Maybe we met once, I forget
Scrolling five years back
I'm obsessed
Breaking my heart
'Tis the season, I guess
With your hair so long, lips so red
If you're waking up now in his old bed
At his family's house
Know that you're just
Breaking my heart
'Tis the season, I guess
The snow's gonna fall
And the tree's gonna glisten
And I'm gonna puke
At the thought of you kissin'
The boy who I love
Is now in love with you
Cindy Lou Who
I told all my friends
They said it can't be true
Cindy Lou Who
Good night, everybody.
You didn't think I was gonna leave you
crying on Christmas, did you?
Wait. Missing something.
Hit it!
It's the holiday remix
Think I only want you
Under my mistletoe
I might change your contact
To "Has a huge North Pole"
You said you like my stockings
Better on the floor
Boy, I've been a bad girl
I guess I'm gettin' coal
Let me come warm you up
You've been out in the snow
Baby, my tongue goes numb
Sounds like "ho ho ho"
I don't want Santa's elves
Underneath this ol' tree
Here's a little carol I wrote
It's about you and me
You're my wish list
Lookin' at you
Got me thinking Christmas
Snowflakes in my stomach
When we're kissin'
And when you're comin' down the chimney
Oh, it feels so good
I need that Charles Dickens
You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.
I'll take you for a ride
I'll be your vixen
I don't even know
I'm talkin' Christmas
I'm talkin', I'm talkin'
I'm talkin' deckin' all the halls
Spikin' eggnog
Opposite of small
I'm talkin' big snowballs
You got a new toy for me
I'm out here trimmin' the tree
I caught that holiday glee
My true love gave it to me
Let me come warm you up
You been out in the snow
Baby, my tongue goes numb
It sounds like "ho ho ho"
And I don't want Santa's elves
Underneath this ol' tree
Here's a lil' carol I wrote
It's about you and me
You're my wish list
Lookin' at you
Got me thinking Christmas
Snowflakes in my stomach
When we're kissin'
And when you're comin' down the chimney
Oh, it feels so good
I need that Charles Dickens
You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.
I'll take you for a ride
I'll be your vixen
I don't even know
I'm talkin' Christmas
I'm talkin', I'm talkin', I'm talkin'
Whoo!
Look at all these presents
That's a big sack
Boy, that package
Is too big to gift-wrap
Woke up this morning
Thought I'd write a "Chrismash"
How quickly can you build a snowman?
Well, here we are
My special at its ending
Love you all
And thank you for attending
I can't believe
I kept it family- "friendling"
Aw. Thanks.
Oh!
Oh, a massager. Thank you!
Wow!
The Christmas spirit is so
infectious.
We did it all. Fire juggling,
lion wrestling, a live on-camera birth.
Some of this stuff
may have been cut out for time,
but truly, this has been such a dream.
Thank you to all my guests
for being a part of it.
Thank you to you for being a part of it.
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all, a good night.
Love, Sabrina Claus.
They told me I could have
an unlimited budget as long as I go viral,
so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.
Reset! Reset! No, no, no!
Well, we should do that
one more time.
Whoa!
It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all
The prompter stopped working
So we have to start over
Gotta stay consistent
with my strange tricks.
- Yeah.
- No?
You can use it.
- I'm not using that.
- It's coming. I just needed to...
- Oh, it's coming.
- Yeah.
I've used that, so...
You look so beautiful.
I look so... straight.
You look so straight?!
- Did you...
- Here we go!
- Three...
- No. Don't say that.
- Not now!
- Not now.
All right, ladies, you ready?
Here we go.
This is not my... you know, my typical...
- Oh, whoa.
- Let me take it again.
Look at me
I'm hanging with Meg Stalter
I like being naked and having sex
I like having sex naked
During sex
I think I should be in,
um, one of the songs.
How do you appear out the mist again?
Love to don my super gay apparel
When you say something's gay, do you know
what you're saying? Knock it off.
And that's true.
Please
Please, please
Don't prove I'm right
- Should I be singing...
- Don't prove I'm right
Did you guys hear? I sounded
kinda like Sabrina. Right? No one?
- We've been married 400 years.
- Yeah.
And after the first hundred,
we agreed to be
separate.
Wait, what?
Yeah, and after the first hundred,
we agreed to be separate. Open!
- Just tickle your Elmo.
- Open. Open.
Ho ho ho.
Can't even say that anymore.
Santa baby
Slip a stable under...
Not a stable
Let's do that again
And that's Christmas.
And that's Christmas.
Fuck.
Ooh
Ba-doo-doo-doo
If you were a wise man
Baby, you would drop
Every other ho ho ho
And put me on top
Up there on your tree
You better treat me like a star
Spend your cookie dough, dough, dough
Spend it on my heart
Skip the jet
Send a sleigh
It's a packed holiday
And I got options, babe
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here
From the North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stocking filled
Well, I know somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Buy me presents, baby
He's a little bit older
Got a bit of a dad bod
From a city that's colder
But damn it, he's so hot
He knows when I'm sleeping
And he knows when I'm not
I haven't, like, seen him in a while
He's probably just busy at his workshop
Skip the jet
- Send a sleigh
- Send a sleigh
It's a packed holiday
And I got options, babe
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here
From the North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stocking filled
Well, I know somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Somebody who will
Buy me presents, baby
Come on, everyone!
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here
From the North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stocking filled
Well, I know somebody who will
Welcome to A Nonsense Christmas.
You could've been anywhere tonight,
spending time with family,
helping the less fortunate,
but instead, you're here,
half watching a big screen
while scrolling social media
on a smaller screen,
and for that, I'm forever grateful.
This special isn't just
about Christmas though.
We're celebrating all the holidays.
So, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa,
and happy birthday, Natalie.
There's gotta be at least one person named
Natalie whose birthday is today, right?
Well, either way, strap on
because tonight,
I'm in the mood for a little nonsense.
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
They gave me a special
They said it would test well
As if I had fear
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all
The champagne is bubbling
Entendres are doubling
When I deck your halls
It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all
There'll be songs all crescendoing
Hot innuendoing
Dancers who flex and keep time
There'll be wit for the smarties
And you know the best part is
It's all on Netflix's dime
No, seriously, they told me I could have
an unlimited budget as long as I go viral,
so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.
My leg!
He'll be fine.
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
If you're hot and you're young
And your stocking's well hung
By the chimney with care
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
There'll be singing and jesting
Celebrity guesting
Huge packages under the tree
I'll be playing my bangers
With elf doppelgngers
So please, please, please
Have faith in me
There are comedy specials,
and there are music specials,
and there are holiday specials.
But who does
musical comedy holiday specials?
A lot of people.
But do those specials
have celebrity guests?
Yes, they do!
Everyone with a musical comedy holiday
special does them with celebrity guests,
and this is one of those.
There'll be divas so stunning
And seasonal punning
And costumes in red and in green
You can watch with your aunties
I might mention panties
But don't fret, its TV-14
Which means
I'm allowed to say "fuck" three times.
Fuck.
Just one left.
Anyways...
Here we are.
We've arrived at my set. Isn't this cute?
It's exactly what my house looked like
growing up.
A tree, three walls,
and a live studio audience.
It's the most nonsense time
Of the year
Well, I've learned all my blocking
So please stuff my stocking
With holiday cheer
It's the most nonsense time
Yes, the most nonsense time
What's a third really good rhyme?
Of the year
You're in luck.
I've trimmed my tree just for you.
Let's start the show.
Happy holidays.
What if it's like, "Happy holiday..."
No, I'm not British. Okay.
Maybe drier.
Happy holidays.
All right, stand by!
Like, happy holidays.
That's, like, a bit too sultry.
We are rolling. We are rolling.
Quiet, please.
I'm not gonna say it.
Okay!
Oh my God.
Guys, it's frozen.
Oh, it's not frozen. Action.
Ooh!
Little beans.
So cute!
Mwah!
Want a drink?
Oh wow. Thank God we installed
that seasonal doorbell.
It's Tyla, everybody!
Hang all the mistletoe
I'm gonna get to know you better
This Christmas
And as we trim the tree
How much fun it's gonna be together
This Christmas
Fireside is blazing bright
We're caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me
Tell 'em, Tyla.
Presents and cards are here
My world is filled with cheer and you
This Christmas
And as I look around
Your eyes outshine the town
They do
This Christmas
Fireside is blazing bright
And we're caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me
Shake a hand, shake a hand now
Come on, everybody. Let's dance.
You all better be standing
wherever you guys are watching this.
If you're in your living rooms,
come on, dance with us.
Shake it, shake it, shake it
Merry Christmas to your brothers.
To your sisters.
To your mister.
To your cousins.
To your dogs? What?
Fireside is blazing bright
We're caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas
For me
Shake a hand, shake a hand now
Hey, hey, come on
Let's party, everybody.
Merry Christmas to everyone back home.
Merry Christmas, Sabrina.
- Merry Christmas, Tyla.
- Yes.
My feathers are all over this place.
Cut, and we cut, and we cut.
Starting from
when I was two years old,
my dad would get his VHS
and film our Christmas morning
every single year.
And for some reason,
I never wanted to open my presents.
I just wanted chocolate cake.
- Oh my gosh!
- Dad.
When we're done opening our presents,
can we have a piece of cake?
Is that all you think about?
I just had an ulterior motive,
and it was chocolate.
And it kinda still is.
So... there's the story.
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there
Through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Only I can do that
Why don't you just come over?
You've been acting so cold
No, I don't want nothing crazy
Just wanna get you alone
And all of this snow is falling
I can make you fall too
So tell me what's on your wish list
I wanna make it come true
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there
Through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Only I can do that
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I know all of your favorite songs
Pick up each time you call
So why can't I be the one
To give you everything you want?
I
Want you to tell me
That you feel the same way
I
Don't think I'm gonna make it
Through the winter
Well, don't you wanna wrap me up
And mistle-touch under the tree?
He won't bring you somebody
That loves you more than me
- No
- Santa
- He doesn't know you like I do
- Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there
Through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Only I can do that
Santa
- Doesn't know you like I do
- Doesn't know you like I do
I know all of your favorite songs
Pick up each time you call
So why can't I be the one
To give you everything you want?
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
Well, maybe this Christmastime
You'll finally realize
That I could be the one
To give you everything you want
I'm working late
Because I'm Santa
Sabrina, can I pitch you
a "Nonsense" outro?
Girl, this season's
Got me feeling feral
Gotta love a dirty Christmas carol
I love it when I don my gay apparel
- If, like, this was gay, this was gayer.
- Right.
- Do you love that?
- Yeah...
- I'd use it if I were you.
- Owen, I gotta go to set.
- No worries.
- Don't sing at me again.
Have a good day.
Debbie, I cannot wait
to finally get to meet your man.
You've been a bad friend ever since
getting into a relationship. I'm kidding!
No, I know.
It's like since we're long distance,
it's just been so hard
to combine the friend groups, you know?
- Well, I promise we will love him.
- Aw.
Oh, speak of the devil!
He's walking up, guys.
- So fun.
- Ho ho ho ho ho!
Oh ho ho! There's my nice girl!
Come on over.
Oh my.
Oh! You guys, everyone,
this is my boyfriend, Nick.
Well, it is great to meet you.
I've heard nothing but great things.
Aw. Same, um, as us.
Yeah. Uh...
Uh, can I get you anything?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe a warm glass of milk.
Yuck.
Ooh, and an oversized
chocolate-chip cookie
dusted lightly with candy cane shards,
if you've got it.
Oh bummer. I think we're out of shards.
I'm sorry, are people saying "sharts"?
- "Shards."
- Oh, look at that.
- My clothes are all covered in soot.
- Oh no! Oh no!
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey. This is actually insane,
but, um, that's Santa Claus, right?
Oh my God.
What kind of a messed-up thing
is that to say?
What?
Debbie, it's not messed up. Hello.
Come on. The big, white, scruffy beard.
So? He did "No-Shave November."
- He has the classic big belly.
- Yeah.
And there it is. The body shaming.
Wow. Wow.
What is this, Mean Girls the movie?
The musical?
Okay, chill out.
He's jolly. He's sweet.
He's not Santa.
Okay, we'll drop it. He's not Santa.
- No one's Santa, I guess.
- Yeah.
- And he's back!
- Oh, hey.
Oh!
I forgot the presents. They're in the car.
- Oh, that's so sweet of you, Nick.
- So nice.
So what does he do for a living
that he can buy us all gifts?
He told me, but I zoned out
because it was boring.
I think he's, like, a toy manufacturer
or something.
Uh, Deb, that's what Santa does.
No, because it doesn't pay.
What? Why doesn't it pay?
Yeah. He doesn't make money
or have any credit cards. So?
- That's creepy.
- That's weird.
Is your boyfriend on the roof?
I mean, he's probably, like,
fixing something up there.
He's super handy 'cause, you know,
my boyfriend can actually make something,
like a man.
Your boyfriend's just a lazy surgeon.
What the hell, Deb?
Besides, guys, if he was Santa,
then why is he so good in bed?
I'm sorry, is Santa supposed to be,
like, bad in bed?
No.
If you read
the original Turkish folklore text,
Santa doesn't last.
I didn't read that.
I brought very intentional gifts.
- How thoughtful.
- Here you are, my boy.
- It's not weird at all.
- Wow.
- Oh my God, a Nerf Vortex Vigilon.
- Thank you for my gift.
I loved these growing up.
I asked Santa for this every year.
A Tickle Me Elmo.
Oh.
A Tickle Me Elmo.
The only time I ever admitted to wanting
one of these is my letter to Santa Claus
when I was 15.
Well, if he's really Santa,
then he'd know the only thing
I asked for as a little girl
was to sing a duet with Shania Twain.
Sorry.
Is that Mrs. Claus?
Is my husband here?
Your husband?
You're married?!
We've been married 400 years.
Yes, but after the first hundred,
we decided to be open.
That was my idea.
- Santa!
- Santa!
He's not Santa!
Thank you.
Thank you guys so much
for coming to be in this sketch.
Oh my God, it's so fun.
I love your set kitchen, by the way.
Does any of the stuff really work?
No, but we're gonna fix it all in post.
- Yum! Delicious.
- Wow!
Hi, Shania.
- All right, Sabrina.
- Are you ready?
I'm so ready.
Santa baby
Slip a sable under the tree
For me
Been an awfully good girl
Santa baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Mmm, Santa baby
A '54 convertible too
Light blue
Yeah, I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Oh
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas
That I haven't kissed
Well, next year I could
Be just as good
If you checked off my Christmas list
Santa baby
I want a yacht, and really that's not
- That's it?
- That's not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Mmm, Santa honey
One little thing I really need
The deed
To a platinum mine
Santa baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Sing it!
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations
Bought at Tiffany
I really do believe in you
And let's see if you believe in me
Santa baby
Forgot to mention one little thing
A ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby
- So hurry down the chimney tonight
- Hey
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Uh-huh
- Hurry down the chimney tonight
- Yes, sir
- I said hurry down the chimney tonight
- Hurry
Hurry down the chimney
Tonight
Shania Twain, everybody.
- That was beautiful, Sabrina.
- So beautiful!
Oh my God. I can't believe you're here.
Sabrina!
Thank you, guys!
I'm one of those girls who believes
it's better to give than receive
when it comes to presents.
I love to spoil my family.
Hey, you haven't given me anything yet.
Right.
Okay.
So what? He just, like, hangs out?
Yeah, when he's not at work.
- What's his job again?
- Oh, I forget.
Seriously, what the hell do I get him?
A phone charger.
I love it!
I've always needed one of these.
You're so interesting.
Where'd you get this?
You're like a genius.
You're really something special, Sabrina.
May I hug you?
Yeah. Okay.
You made this a really awesome Christmas.
I really care about you.
- Honey, stop hugging my sister.
- Oh, I'm sorry about that.
What the f&%
Do I get my brother-in-law?
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Yeah?
Um, I got an idea for you.
I don't know if you're open to...
Sure.
This is not what I usually do, so...
- But, um, yeah.
- Okay.
- Let me know what you're... thinking.
- Well, I'll just do it.
- Okay, cool. Just, like, go.
- Um...
Why's everybody always lying to me?
You gotta stop lying to me
Everybody I know is lying to me
I wish they'd stop lying to me
So, like, a... It's like a song?
I mean, like, to me, the whole...
It's more the spirit of, like...
Why's everybody always lying to me?
Oh, the spirit.
You gotta stop lying to me
Yeah... Yeah, it's, like,
less holiday maybe than we were going...
- Okay.
- ...for.
The network might not get it.
The elves keep lying to me
Maybe if you say "the elves."
Actually, yeah.
If you say "the elves," maybe.
- Okay, cool.
- Cool.
- I'll type something up.
- Okay.
- What is your email?
- Let me get you my manager's info.
- No, I'd like your personal email.
- Okay.
Setting for the duet with Kali Uchis.
All right, steady cam is up.
All right, ladies, you ready?
Here we go.
Action.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep
Then I saw Mommy
Tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would've been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
I saw Mommy kissing
Kissing, kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
What a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
Oh, what a laugh it would've been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Last night
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
Yo, Cratchit, what up?
Yes, you have work tomorrow.
Why? 'Cause it's Christmas?
What, are we 12, dude?
No, we have content to create.
Yeah.
Be here at nine with a ring light
and Nobu breakfast sushi, okay?
All right. Humbug, player.
Adis.
Wakey-wakey.
Annie? Uh, what are you doing here?
I'm the spirit of Ghosted Past.
We went on five dates,
and I never heard from you again.
- I... got really busy at work.
- Mm.
- And then I... and then I lost my phone.
- Mm.
No. I saw you peeping my stories.
That's strange. That's really weird.
I gotta talk to Zuck about that.
If you didn't want to keep seeing me,
you should've just told me.
I really liked you.
What it was was I went out of town.
- I went to this place with no service...
- Ugh, shut up.
You ghosted me, and it made me feel crazy
when you're the one that couldn't handle
"an honest conversation."
Because telling someone
you don't wanna date them is awkward AF.
It's worse to leave someone on read!
Learn from this!
Hi.
Allie. How... how'd you get in here?
Oh, I figured out where you live
from the breadcrumbs you left
on your TikTok for me to find.
- What?
- Haven't heard from you in a couple days.
And you said we were going to go see
Wicked together, so here I am.
Right. Right. Yes.
I... I did say that, didn't I?
I am the spirit of Ghosted Present,
and is it just me or are you ignoring me
until I go away?
Allie. It ain't even like that.
You love bombed me for a month,
then I never heard from you.
Is it something I did? Is it...
It's not you. It's him.
W... Oh my God. Ghosted Past?
Wait. Oh my God. Ghosted Present.
- I hate that we're meeting like this.
- I know.
- I love your bangs. They're cute.
- Thank you.
I got them 'cause he ghosted me, so...
By the way,
you're about to get ghosted too.
- What?!
- Ladies, ladies, please.
I'm a good guy.
- I'm an uncle to daughters.
- Okay, why aren't you texting me back?
Life has been crazy.
I mean, my boy Cratchit,
he's got this son with a... crazy cough.
Bob Cratchit?
You barely pay him for editing out
your falls in your skateboard videos.
And you invented energy-drink cologne,
so we know the money is there.
Whatever. Get off my jock.
Whoo!
Ebby?
Hey. Hi.
It's Bri. From Coachella.
The Sahara Tent.
Right. Bri, yes.
Hello. How is your bird?
Oh, still sick.
But I'm so happy
we ran into each other here.
- Yeah. Me too. Hey.
- So fun.
Yeah. Wait. Let me get your number.
- Oh, yeah.
- What?!
- No!
- No! No.
- You're gonna get ghosted.
- What?
You're the spirit of Ghosted Future, babe.
He's not gonna change.
But he seems so sweet. Oh.
Ugh, I can't believe I even liked you.
You know what? We should just hang out.
Yes!
- Oh my God!
- Okay, stop, stop.
Stop, please.
I've seen the errors of my ways.
I'm gonna text back.
I'm gonna be transparent.
And I'm gonna have honest conversations,
even if they're the difficult ones.
Cratchit? Hey, hombre.
It's Ebby Scrouge.
You don't have to make content tomorrow.
It's Christmas!
It's actually no big deal.
I like girls anyway.
Ladies, turkey leg for you.
Oh.
- Turkey leg for you.
- Thanks.
Turkey leg for you.
- Is it vegan?
- Just... just take it.
All right. Merry Christmas!
And God bless us, every one.
My mic is also in between my butt cheeks.
Cut the cam.
What up? It's Nico.
Happy holidays.
Shout out to Sabrina.
Thank you for having me.
Merry Christmas.
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Hey, Cara.
Are you working on the new lyrics
for your "Nonsense" outro?
No, and I'm kind of worried.
I'm really feeling the pressure.
I just don't wanna, like,
disappoint the fans, you know?
Don't worry. It's... it's easy, right?
I've got one.
- Gotta give a shoutout to my boy, Nick.
- Oh.
Wouldn't let him hit it,
just the cane tip.
Guess I stayed consistent
with my strange tricks. Right?
- Yeah.
- No?
- You can use it. Just give me 10%.
- It's not the worst one I've ever heard.
- It's not the worst.
- It's not.
I hope I helped. Bye!
Take the tinsel out of your hair
as soon as possible.
You love it.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
Ill give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, its been a year
It doesn't surprise me
"Merry Christmas"
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you"
I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know youd fool me again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
Ill give it to someone special
A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
Im hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My God
I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover
With a fire in his heart
A man under cover
But you tore me apart
Ooh
Now I've found a real love
Youll never fool me again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
And this year, to save me from tears
Ill give it to someone special
Ill give it to someone
Special
Ill give it to someone special
Special
Maybe next year.
Maybe.
A face on a lover
With a fire in his heart
- Made you mine
- A man under cover
But you tore him apart
I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special
I saw you laughing
In one of his pictures
But you'll be the one
With his ring on your finger
There's red and green everywhere
But I'm so blue
Cindy Lou Who
Maybe he met you
Somewhere in the desert
While he was soul-searching
He found someone better
Guess you make him happy
Like I couldn't do
Cindy Lou Who
With your hair so long, lips so red
Maybe we met once, I forget
Scrolling five years back
I'm obsessed
Breaking my heart
'Tis the season, I guess
With your hair so long, lips so red
If you're waking up now in his old bed
At his family's house
Know that you're just
Breaking my heart
'Tis the season, I guess
The snow's gonna fall
And the tree's gonna glisten
And I'm gonna puke
At the thought of you kissin'
The boy who I love
Is now in love with you
Cindy Lou Who
I told all my friends
They said it can't be true
Cindy Lou Who
Good night, everybody.
You didn't think I was gonna leave you
crying on Christmas, did you?
Wait. Missing something.
Hit it!
It's the holiday remix
Think I only want you
Under my mistletoe
I might change your contact
To "Has a huge North Pole"
You said you like my stockings
Better on the floor
Boy, I've been a bad girl
I guess I'm gettin' coal
Let me come warm you up
You've been out in the snow
Baby, my tongue goes numb
Sounds like "ho ho ho"
I don't want Santa's elves
Underneath this ol' tree
Here's a little carol I wrote
It's about you and me
You're my wish list
Lookin' at you
Got me thinking Christmas
Snowflakes in my stomach
When we're kissin'
And when you're comin' down the chimney
Oh, it feels so good
I need that Charles Dickens
You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.
I'll take you for a ride
I'll be your vixen
I don't even know
I'm talkin' Christmas
I'm talkin', I'm talkin'
I'm talkin' deckin' all the halls
Spikin' eggnog
Opposite of small
I'm talkin' big snowballs
You got a new toy for me
I'm out here trimmin' the tree
I caught that holiday glee
My true love gave it to me
Let me come warm you up
You been out in the snow
Baby, my tongue goes numb
It sounds like "ho ho ho"
And I don't want Santa's elves
Underneath this ol' tree
Here's a lil' carol I wrote
It's about you and me
You're my wish list
Lookin' at you
Got me thinking Christmas
Snowflakes in my stomach
When we're kissin'
And when you're comin' down the chimney
Oh, it feels so good
I need that Charles Dickens
You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.
I'll take you for a ride
I'll be your vixen
I don't even know
I'm talkin' Christmas
I'm talkin', I'm talkin', I'm talkin'
Whoo!
Look at all these presents
That's a big sack
Boy, that package
Is too big to gift-wrap
Woke up this morning
Thought I'd write a "Chrismash"
How quickly can you build a snowman?
Well, here we are
My special at its ending
Love you all
And thank you for attending
I can't believe
I kept it family- "friendling"
Aw. Thanks.
Oh!
Oh, a massager. Thank you!
Wow!
The Christmas spirit is so
infectious.
We did it all. Fire juggling,
lion wrestling, a live on-camera birth.
Some of this stuff
may have been cut out for time,
but truly, this has been such a dream.
Thank you to all my guests
for being a part of it.
Thank you to you for being a part of it.
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all, a good night.
Love, Sabrina Claus.
They told me I could have
an unlimited budget as long as I go viral,
so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.
Reset! Reset! No, no, no!
Well, we should do that
one more time.
Whoa!
It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all
The prompter stopped working
So we have to start over
Gotta stay consistent
with my strange tricks.
- Yeah.
- No?
You can use it.
- I'm not using that.
- It's coming. I just needed to...
- Oh, it's coming.
- Yeah.
I've used that, so...
You look so beautiful.
I look so... straight.
You look so straight?!
- Did you...
- Here we go!
- Three...
- No. Don't say that.
- Not now!
- Not now.
All right, ladies, you ready?
Here we go.
This is not my... you know, my typical...
- Oh, whoa.
- Let me take it again.
Look at me
I'm hanging with Meg Stalter
I like being naked and having sex
I like having sex naked
During sex
I think I should be in,
um, one of the songs.
How do you appear out the mist again?
Love to don my super gay apparel
When you say something's gay, do you know
what you're saying? Knock it off.
And that's true.
Please
Please, please
Don't prove I'm right
- Should I be singing...
- Don't prove I'm right
Did you guys hear? I sounded
kinda like Sabrina. Right? No one?
- We've been married 400 years.
- Yeah.
And after the first hundred,
we agreed to be
separate.
Wait, what?
Yeah, and after the first hundred,
we agreed to be separate. Open!
- Just tickle your Elmo.
- Open. Open.
Ho ho ho.
Can't even say that anymore.
Santa baby
Slip a stable under...
Not a stable
Let's do that again
And that's Christmas.
And that's Christmas.
Fuck.