A.R.C.H.I.E. 2: Mission Impawsible (2018) Movie Script
1
DOG: Hello there. How are you?
Yes, I'm talking to you.
What's the matter?
Never saw a dog talk before?
Well, I'm no ordinary dog.
My name is...
[ZAPPING]
Not again. Oh, guys.
[EXPLODING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
I suppose this means we can't
replicate the technology.
Therefore we must
find the original.
I guess I have to do
everything myself.
Hi, I'm looking for the owner
of a dog named A.R.C.H.I.E.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Eyes
Can look in the dark
and see something there
Eyes
Imagine the touch and feel
what's inside
You
Got some kinda hold on me
I can't move
You
Can tell that
I'm wanting you
It's in my eyes
We're at Angels 10,
and our ETA will be in
exactly niner minutes.
I didn't understand
a single thing you said.
Gotta learn the lingo.
Soon you're going
to be a pilot too.
Not that soon. I've only
logged seven hours.
You did a decent job
taking off.
Taking off isn't much good
if you don't know how to land.
Which I don't.
I still can't believe
you have a plane.
Yeah. It belonged
to my father.
I figured it was time
I learn how to fly it.
Flying is a piece of cake.
Easy peasy summer breezy.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Whoo!
PAUL:
Stop that.
You're going
to make me airsick.
You can't resist an opportunity
to show off, can you?
I gotta be me.
Well, can you be you when
we're safely on the ground?
I can't have anything
jeopardize this trip.
Hopefully soon I'm going
to be living my dream.
Right. Joining the circus.
I'm still really impressed you're
going through with it, Sydney.
When I heard
my favorite carnival
was passing through
this town
I figured this was
my big chance.
I just hope we don't die
before we get there.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Hang on.
Please don't do that.
I'm really glad
you're here, Bogart.
But you shouldn't stay
just for me.
I wouldn't be a very good
friend if I expected that.
You should go live in the wild
like a normal bird.
He still won't go?
No.
Don't worry.
He will when he's ready.
Are you sure you're going
to be okay with this, Dad?
Having an animal
as part of the carnival
would be an added
attraction.
And we could definitely
use the money.
Well, we could.
But remember your good idea?
We're not a circus that
forces animals to work.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry
about the money.
We'll figure something out.
Are you sure you're going to
be okay letting Bogart go?
I'll be sad.
But I'll also be happy
because he'll be free.
Can you be happy and sad
at the same time?
Absolutely.
That's part of life.
It's better than being
just sad, I guess.
Come here.
PAUL: Guys, it's going to be
a great week at the cottage.
A.R.C.H.I.E.: I only wish Sally
could've been here to see this.
I'm sorry again about your
breakup with Sally, A.R.C.H.I.E.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
I've loved and I've lost, Paul.
But in the end,
I guess I was too...
different.
But even the best of us
get dumped.
You should know that
better than anyone else.
I didn't get dumped.
Brooke just got
a very big job offer
on the other side of the world
that she couldn't turn down.
And she didn't invite you
to go with her.
And she's probably
never coming back.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Sounds like dumped to me.
Thanks, guys.
[PAUL SIGHS]
Between breaking up with Sally
and then Isabel
going away to school
you must be pretty lonely
these days.
Sometimes you gotta say
goodbye to your friends.
Whether you
like it or not.
Ow.
[STRUMMING SADLY]
[POPPING]
MAX:
Company meeting, everyone!
Please take your seats.
Well, folks,
once again our family carnival
is one the verge of bankruptcy.
Yeah!
What, is that bad?
Yes.
Oh.
It seems...
nobody wants to go to
the carnival anymore.
All people want to do is
play games on their phones.
Well, that doesn't
make any sense.
I don't understand. We've had
some decent turnouts lately.
Not decent enough, Joko.
You know, you could
just call me Randy.
You know how I feel about
calling you Randy.
I don't call you
Randy anymore.
Okay.
It brings me great sadness
to say that we barely have
enough money to stay afloat.
Well, maybe that's because we
have mismanaged finances, Max.
I'm sorry, guys,
but how much are we spending to
feed Boogie the bird out there?
That's not his name.
It's Bogart.
Oh, what'd I say?
You said 'Boogie'
like you always do.
Sorry, pal.
It's Bo-gart.
Bogart, I'm sorry.
It won't happen again, okay?
Anyway, if Boogie wants
to be part of this troupe
he's gotta
start contributing.
He doesn't perform.
Like, does nothing.
I'm sorry,
but the bird is bad.
He literally
doesn't do anything.
He won't lift a finger
to help out in any way.
SQUIRT:
Birds don't have fingers.
They have claws.
[HISSING]
MAX:
Okay, that's enough.
This has nothing to do
with Bogart.
It has everything to do
with ticket sales.
In fact, if...
we don't have an extremely
successful week
these could be our last shows
before we have to close forever.
Close down the carnival?
But this is our whole life.
This is what we live for!
What are we supposed to do?
The only thing we can do.
We have to try our hardest,
give our all,
and have the best turnout
we've ever had.
And in order to do that
we need to do something special.
Something that will
take people's breath away
leaving them awestruck
having witnessed something so
magnificent and spectacular
that will make
the unwashed masses
toss aside their
electronic devices
and flock to
our glorious ta-da!
[FLATULENCE SOUND]
Okay, who... Who was that?
I tooted.
You should see my mason jar
collection of toots.
I organize them
by size and color.
Okay, that's...
that's odd.
It's natural, we all do it.
You do it.
- I've heard her.
- I don't.
SQUIRT:
They smell like apple pie.
That makes
very little sense.
Max, I don't.
Everyone...
try your hardest.
Joko:
That does not smell good.
Sydney:
Hey.
What are you doing?
Um, nothing.
Dinner's ready.
Mmm. Smells like victory
in here.
What's for dinner?
Pancakes.
Sydney, can you make something
more dinnery?
I'm a sucker for tacos, doesn't
even have to be Tuesday.
It is Tuesday.
Even better!
Can we have tacos?
No.
How about lasagna?
I love lasagna.
No.
- Sloppy joes?
- No.
- Baba ghanoush?
- No.
Look, tomorrow is my audition
for the carnival.
The night before a big day I
always have breakfast for dinner
it's my favorite.
What do you have for
breakfast, shepherd's pie?
Sometimes.
Sydney, are you sure
you want to do this?
I mean, you quit your job and
you packed up your whole life.
I've never been
more sure of anything.
It's my life-long dream.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Why the circus?
Ever since I was young
I've always felt out of place.
Like I didn't belong.
Never once have I felt
part of the cool group.
Amongst a bunch of outcasts
in a circus
I think I'll finally
be accepted.
I'll feel normal.
Speaking of normal,
you know the rules.
I know, I know.
I can't tell anyone about
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s special talents.
Remember how freaked out
you were when we told you?
[SCREAMING]
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
I'm a cybernetic organism.
I'm a cybernetic organism.
[DISTORTED VOICE]
I'm a cybernetic organism.
[EVEN SLOWER]
I'm a cybernetic organism.
Yeah, it took me a minute or two
to get used to the idea.
Look, I wouldn't think of
telling anyone.
I don't know why you wouldn't
want people to know.
If I had his talents
I'd be bragging about it
left, right and center.
What I wouldn't give
to be normal.
Oh, trust me, it's overrated.
So, what are you going to do
for your audition?
I don't exactly know.
If it's human contortionist,
you're a shoe-in.
[FORCIBLY LAUGHING]
I take it back,
not all your talents are great.
[LAUGHING]
I'm going to get you!
Hey!
[LAUGHING]
I've been looking everywhere
for you two clowns.
Oh, we're not clowns!
I know.
Seriously,
we're not clowns.
I understand.
I need you
to finish setting up.
We're on our break though.
Yeah! As per our
carny union rules
we get a 20 minute break
every 10 minutes.
I wish you never
joined that union.
Also you're supposed to
provide us with a hot snack.
And I do not eat gluten.
I eat nothing
but gluten!
I can see that, the whole
world can see that.
[LAUGHING]
Verne, you're not supposed to be
playing with the equipment.
We're not
playing with it, boss.
I'm testing to
make sure it works.
Yup, it works!
[LAUGHING]
What's wrong with you?
[LAUGHING]
[MUTTERING GIBBERISH]
[MEOWING]
[MUTTERING GIBBERISH]
You know, I don't think
you need to be so nervous.
Yeah, this is not
exactly Julliard.
Yes, it is.
It's my Julliard.
Are you Sydney?
My name's Gregory.
Come on in.
It's magic time.
Sydney:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[CRASHING]
[LAUGHING]
SYDNEY:
Oh! Look out below!
[SCREAMS]
[CRASHING]
I can't watch this.
A.R.C.H.I.E: We should go, we're
probably making him more nervous.
[EXPLODING]
Sydney: Somebody put me out!
Somebody put me out!
[STRAINING]
I can fix this.
It...
[GRUNTING]
Just don't
worry about it.
Well, Sydney, you...
You really
threw yourself into this.
Literally.
It's my life-long dream
to be a part of your carnival.
I really just wanted to give it
everything I had.
Sydney, uh...
The unfortunate thing
is to join our troupe...
you must bring something
very special.
Something truly unique.
And...
I'm sorry.
Oh.
I understand.
Being special and unique - never
really been my strong suits.
Story of my life.
Well, thank you
for your time, gentlemen.
We're very sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you. Excuse me.
I guess I need
a new one of these.
[SOBBING]
Sydney, wait!
You said that joining the
carnival is your life-long dream?
It was.
But I may as well
give up on that dream
now that I failed at it.
You can't give up
that easily.
But you heard your dad.
What could I possibly do that
would be unique and special?
Joko:
Okay, that's it.
That's it. I am at the end of
my rope with your dumb bird.
You got a rope?
Why can't I have a rope?
Do you even know
what this is?
Huh?
Do you know what that is?
It's bird poop.
It's bird poop!
Not only does that lazy bird
not do anything
but he craps all over me!
I'm telling you this carnival
is in need of some animals
with some real talent!
Some real talent!
It's all I'm asking, buddy.
Just a little talent!
[LAUGHING]
Talent!
[LAUGHING]
Animals with real talent.
Do you think you could
convince you dad
to give me another audition?
Consider it done.
Yes!
Oh! [LAUGHING]
Yes! [LAUGHING]
Paul:
Man, it sure is beautiful.
Would be nice to have
Isabel here too.
Yeah.
Hey.
You okay?
Do you ever wish
you were normal?
I think I'm pretty normal.
Kinda.
No, I mean normal like with
a normal family and stuff.
Oh, you mean like wife, kids,
white picket fence and a dog?
A regular dog?
Yeah, I guess.
But we've got
a pretty great family.
It's unconventional
but it works for me.
Lately I've been wishing
I could be an ordinary dog.
Do ordinary dog things.
Like catch a frisbee
or pee on a fire hydrant.
Sniff another dog's butt.
[LAUGHING]
Really?
Well, maybe not the sniffing
the other dog's butt part.
I'm sure you could do all those
things if you really wanted to.
Yeah, but sometimes I wish it
was all I wanted to do.
I don't know, A.R.C.H.I.E.
You got something special.
That's the thing,
sometimes being special isn't
all it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, I understand
how you feel.
But sometimes
you just gotta accept things
for the way they are.
[WOMAN SOBBING]
PAUL:
Uh, Miss?
Excuse me.
Are you all right?
Oh, gosh.
I'm so embarrassed.
I thought I was alone.
Is everything okay?
Yes.
No.
[SOBBING]
You're, uh,
you're a member of that carnival
that's in town, right?
Yes.
I'm Laura.
The man who runs the carnival,
Maximillian Zon,
he's a monster.
He's forcing me to work
at his piddly little carnival
against my will.
How can he do that?
Max used to run a much larger
circus with my father.
But at the height of its success
he stole all the money
and then turned around
and blamed my dad.
The police believed Max
and threw my dad in jail.
That's awful.
The worst part
is Max told me
that I must work for him
in order to pay off the debt.
Well...
can't you just run away?
It's not that simple.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Where could I go?
Well, we have a plane, I'm sure
we could fly you somewhere.
You're a pilot?
Well,
I'm more of a co-pilot.
It's kinda complicated.
I have to get to rehearsal.
Max will go on a tirade
if I'm late.
Thank you for listening.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
dumped all this on you.
I just don't have
anybody to talk to.
Dinner is served.
I have made tacos, lasagna,
a side of sloppy joes,
and some delicious
baba ghanoush for dessert.
You made all this for me?
You betcha.
What do you want, Sydney?
Whatever do you mean?
You know what I mean,
Mr. Flapjacks-for-dinner.
[SCOFFING]
[STAMMERING]
Are you...
suggesting I want
something from you?
Just because I slaved
over a hot stove
making my favorite four-legged
friend his favorite dinners?
That's downright insulting.
Okay... my apologies.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How was the feedback
on the audition?
Ooh, it was good.
Really good.
Very positive feedback.
Oh, it was terrible.
Abysmal.
I need your help.
Here we go.
I totally botched
the audition.
But they said that I could come
back and re-audition tomorrow.
I just gotta come up
with something special.
And where do I come in?
You could be that
something special.
Me?
Just think of it!
You know, I could be
the ventriloquist
and could be my dummy.
I'm sorry, dummy?
I'm nobody's dummy.
Yeah, you know, dummy,
poor choice of words.
Absolutely right.
I just meant that you could
be my little puppet.
Well, that sounded
even worse.
Sydney, you know the rule.
Nobody can find out about me
and my special talents.
And they wouldn't. Nobody would know.
That's the genius of it.
They would just think that
I was the greatest ventrilo...
Okay, that we were the greatest
ventriloquist act ever.
It's too risky.
Look, this would make me a
shoe-in for the carnival.
Have I mentioned that
it's my life-long dream?
You wouldn't want to
stand in the way
of a guy fulfilling his
life-long dream, would you?
You know I'd do anything
to help you, Sydney.
But I just don't think
it's a good idea.
I disagree.
I think it's a great idea.
Both:
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
I hope you don't think that
I was spying on you.
I just came by to thank Paul
for being so kind to me.
A talking dog.
Incredible.
How is this possible?
Oh, don't worry,
you can trust me.
I think we can trust Miss Lake.
She is a star
on the carnival circuit.
I'm a cybernetic organism.
A robot?
Yeah, something like that.
Oh, how wonderful.
For what it's worth, I think
Sydney is totally right.
Having you at the carnival
would be a huge attraction.
For starters it could mean
a ton in ticket sales.
But wouldn't that kind of be
like a lie?
A very entertaining lie.
As all good art is.
And, don't worry, I would make
sure that your secret was safe
from the rest of
the carnival troupe.
Well, I suppose if
we were really...
absolutely, positively,
definitely careful
I guess it could work.
Yes! [LAUGHING]
Oh, happy day! Happy day!
Hey look at me wagging my
tail for you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
[LAUGHING]
[SNORING]
Hello, everyone,
my name is Sydney.
And this is A.R.C.H.I.E.
Say hello, A.R.C.H.I.E.
Come on, A.R.C.H.I.E.,
don't be rude. Say hello.
Come on, you silly mutt,
speak.
Silly mutt?
You the one wearing
the ridiculous tie.
But, A.R.C.H.I.E.,
you're wearing a tie too.
Yeah, but it's not
so ridiculous on me.
And it brings out my eyes.
[LAUGHING]
That's funny.
A.R.C.H.I.E.,
you sure are a comedian.
In fact, let's do a few jokes.
Shall we?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who.
I didn't know
you could yodel.
Little old lady who
Here's another one for you.
Why did the turkey
cross the road?
I don't know.
Yes, you do.
To prove
he wasn't chicken.
[LAUGHING]
Man, this is a really bad idea.
I shouldn't be here.
No, no, no, A.R.C.H.I.E.
[SIGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
MAX:
Bravo.
Bra-vo.
Bravo!
Ha ha!
That was incredible.
Sydney:
T-thank you.
MAX:
How did you do that?
Uh, well I had years of
ventriloquism training.
I went to the Royal Academy
of Ventriloquism Arts
in Britain, England.
RAVABE.
Well, sir,
you are spectacular.
And I'm proud
to announce that
you are officially the newest
member of our carnival troupe!
Welcome aboard!
[LAUGHING]
Okay. All right,
you're sweaty.
Oh, you're sweaty.
Whoo.
Dad, the numbers
just don't add up.
I know.
We really do need to
make some money.
No, I mean you have been
making some money.
The ticket sales
haven't been great,
but they've been better
than you realize.
What are you saying,
that we should have
more money than we do?
According
to the records, yes.
How can that be?
Someone must be
stealing from you.
That's impossible.
Is it?
It-it doesn't matter.
Sydney and his talking dog
will save everything.
Hopefully we'll make enough
money and right the ship.
And if we do, we should put
it in the bank right away.
It's not safe
having all this cash around.
No.
No banks.
That's what got us into
trouble in the first place.
Right now the best thing
we can do
is operate as
a cash-only business.
I'll trust you
to keep it safe right?
Why is this carnival
so important to you?
It's my legacy.
Again, it's about you.
That shouldn't surprise me.
No, son, my legacy isn't
about me, it's about you.
Have you ever considered
that I might not want this?
All I want is a normal life.
Like other kids.
MAN ON CASSETTE: Dealing with
your breakup, chapter three.
Loving yourself.
To be worthy of love from
your potential partner
you must first be worthy of
love from yourself.
I want you to wake up
every morning and say,
"I am lovable. I am loveable."
"I am loveable."
Say what now?
Hi.
Hi.
Are you part of the carnival?
Yeah, it's my dad's.
Cool. I'm Emma.
I live here in town.
I can't wait to see the show.
Nothing very exciting
usually happens around here.
Is that your pet bird?
He's not a pet really.
His name's Bogart.
He's my friend.
My only friend.
Why do you say that?
It gets pretty lonely
around here.
Travelling with my dad
for the summer.
I know how you feel.
I get pretty lonely too.
What's that?
Oh, it's a crossword puzzle.
It's a hobby of mine.
Do you need any help?
Oh, uh, no thanks.
No problem.
See you around.
Bye, Bogart.
I going out for a bit, Paul,
see you when I get back.
Wow, you scared the crap
out of me.
What are you, a ninja?
I have my ways.
So, where are you off to?
Uh, the circus,
I'm going to the circus.
And where is Sydney?
Well, he's-he's-he's
there already.
He's waiting for me actually.
I'm late, I should go.
I suppose you two are getting
ready for your big performance.
Performance?
What performance?
Sensational Sydney
and his talking dog.
Have you two completely
lost your minds?
Why would you do
something like this?
I did it to help Sydney.
I know it sounds crazy
but we have a plan and
we think it's going to work.
You think it's going to work?!
Enjoy the show.
How's the crossword
coming along?
Kinda stumped actually.
What's the clue?
Maybe I can help.
An 11 letter word for a
roguish, dishonest person.
Hm.
That is a tough one.
Hey, Greg. Ooh, sorry.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
- It's Gregory.
- It's what?
My name.
It's Gregory.
It's Gregory. No, no, yeah,
I know what your name is.
It's Gregory, come on. Sure.
How are the ticket sales coming?
Pretty good.
Why are you interested?
I'm just curious about
our ticket sales.
I want us to succeed,
be a big successful company.
- Oh, yeah.
- Carnival.
Pretty good is good, right?
Yeah.
All right. That's good news.
Okay. Well,
I better get in there.
Big night of performing.
So, I'll let you two lovebirds
continue on
whatever you're doing.
See you later.
[DRUMROLL]
Boys and girls,
ladies and gentlemen,
dukes and duchesses,
monsieurs and mademoiselles,
I, Maximillian Zon,
nobly welcome you to
the most wondrous show
with the most
magnificent performers
in the history of humankind!
History of humankind.
- Pfft, that's a stretch.
- Shh.
Tonight, you will see feats
so spectacular...
They're going
to see our feets?
I should've bit
my toenails off.
Why-why would you do that?
Why wouldn't I?
So, hang on to your hats,
hold your breath
and prepare yourself
for the ride of a lifetime.
Without further ado,
I bring you the one,
- the only...
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- the magical...
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
marvelous carnival!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Okay, you ready for this?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Let's go get 'em.
- Let's go.
- Let's go get 'em.
Let's go.
Ow.
Welcome to my nightmare,
your table is ready.
It's magic time.
Oh, boy.
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[OFF-KEY STRUMMING]
[OFF-KEY STRUMMING]
[SIGHING] These people
wouldn't know art
if it barfed
in their shoe.
[APPLAUDING]
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
the performance
you've all been waiting for.
Please give a warm welcome
to Sensational Sydney
and his talking dog!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Say hello,
A.R.C.H.I.E.
[CHUCKLING]
[CLEARING THROAT]
I said, say hello,
A.R.C.H.I.E.
Hello, A.R.C.H.I.E.
Now, why don't you show
this lovely audience
just how smart you are
and tell everyone
what your favorite
letter of the alphabet is.
- Y.
- Why?
Because I told you.
No, Y.
Just do it for me.
- You?
- U is your favorite letter?
A.R.C.H.I.E:
No, Y.
SYDNEY:
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
If you don't want to tell me
then we'll try something else.
Uh, why don't you try and guess
what my favorite letter is?
You want me to try to guess
your favorite letter?
- Yes.
- I see.
- That's two letters.
- What?
"I" "C" are two letters.
Just pick one.
Okay.
That's another two letters.
What?
No, I meant okay, you see.
Now, that's four letters.
I don't think you understand
this game.
I meant "okay."
I heard you the first time.
I don't know why
you're getting so upset.
Gee!
It's not G.
A?
It said, "It's not G."
- A!
- I said it's not G!
Are you deaf?
No, I'm not deaf.
Are you?
How many times
do I have to tell you
you could only choose
one letter at a time?
A.R.C.H.I.E:
I am, are you?
Forget it.
Okay, let's
go back to you.
What's your
favorite letter?
Y.
[CHEERING]
I gotta admit,
they're really good.
How you doing?
Great show, isn't it?
Popcorn?
No thanks.
Hm.
Well, it does take years
and years of practice
to acquire the elite set of
ventriloquism skills
that I possess.
But I don't want to
talk about me,
that's a pretty
boring subject.
I just want to thank you guys
so much for coming...
[CHUCKLING]
Can you believe this,
Squirt?
We have been working
this carnival for years
and this clown shows up
and steals all our glory.
[LAUGHING]
And tonight after the show
he'll be signing paw-tographs,
so don't...
He's not a clown,
you're the clown!
Yes, no,
I know I'm a clown.
I'm just talking about
other clowns.
Bad clowns, okay?
Oh.
There are bad clowns?
Oh, that's going to
give me nightmares.
I'm scared of clowns.
Yeah, okay. Come here.
Hey, you can help us
settle an argument.
How many people here
like breakfast for dinner?
That's it! Oh!
This isn't a carnival,
this is an insane asylum.
Hello there.
Lara? Hi.
Great performance tonight.
Why, thank you.
I think Sydney stole the show.
Oh, that's a fabulous act,
isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
I just hope it doesn't
go to their heads.
Their heads?
His head.
Sydney's head, of course.
That's what I meant.
So, uh, when do I get to
see this plane of yours?
Oh, well, it's really
nothing special.
I'd still love to see it.
Sure. Sure.
- Uh, anytime you like.
- Yeah?
Maybe I'll even convince you
to take me for a ride.
Well, I'm really
not much of a pilot.
Oh, modest and cute.
Form an orderly queue, ladies.
[CHUCKLING]
Gosh, that Sydney though,
he is such an incredible
ventriloquist.
So convincing.
You'd almost think that dog
was talking all by himself.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, yeah right.
Wouldn't you?
Totally. But, uh,
I mean that's impossible.
Because, because dog's,
dog's don't talk.
I mean, they talk,
they talk dog language
but they don't
talk human. No.
Not at all, never.
No, that's all Sydney.
'Cause he is an
incredible ventriloquist.
Just absolutely
really, really good.
Yeah.
A talking dog.
Now I've heard everything.
[LAUGHING]
Girls and boys,
ladies and gentlemen...
- SYDNEY: Knock, knock.
- A.R.C.H.I.E: Who's there?
- Edge.
- Edge who?
Gesundheit!
[LAUGHING]
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Little old lady, who?
SYDNEY: I didn't know
you could yodel!
Little old lady who
[CHEERING]
Dukes and duchesses,
monsieurs and mademoiselles.
[LAUGHING]
Say, what do you call
an alligator in a vest?
A.R.C.H.I.E:
I give up.
An investigator.
[LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
MAX: I nobly welcome you
to the most wondrous show
with the most magnificent
performers
in the history of humankind!
[CHEERING]
SYDNEY:
Shandy, here you go, Shandy.
Next, who do I
make it out to?
GIRL: Zimma! Zimma!
SYDNEY: Did you have fun tonight?
That's great to hear.
And what's your
favorite part, Zimma?
That's good to hear.
Thanks so much for coming.
Who do I make it out to?
PAUL: Paul.
P-A-L-L? There you are my...
Paul.
Hey.
It's great to see you.
I thought you weren't going to let
this go to your head, Sydney.
I'm... I'm not.
I swear.
"Pall, keep calm
and be like me."
"YOLO, Sydney."
YOLO?
I know
how this all looks.
Do you?
Because how it looks
is that you put
A.R.C.H.I.E. at risk
for something that you want.
I know you're not
that kind of guy.
But that's how it looks.
I'm sorry, Paul. Look.
Tomorrow it's our
last performance.
Well, A.R.C.H.I.E.'s anyway.
And then everything goes
back to normal, I promise.
I hope so.
Uh, hi.
How are you?
Good, yourself?
Good. Did you
have fun tonight?
Oh, yeah.
I had a great time.
- Great show.
- Thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
I can't do this.
I look like a complete idiot
out there.
Don't worry, you don't look
like a complete idiot.
At least not as much
as Sydney.
Your secret's safe with me.
Joko: I'm just saying, I don't
think we're getting paid enough
is what I'm saying.
I mean, who are the people
coming to see, right?
Who are the people
coming to see?
Who are the...
They're coming to see us, Squirt,
they're coming to see us.
Right? They're not
coming to see Max.
Right? 'Cause we're
the performers.
But yet Max is making
all the money, right?
Think about it. Five
shows sold out in a row.
Think about
all that money.
I'm not good at math.
Don't even get me started
on Mr. Bigshot Ventriloquist
and the dog.
I mean, they're good.
I've seen good. I know good.
[LAUGHING]
There he is! The snitch!
The rat!
The turncoat!
What are you going to go
tell your dad what I said?
Compared with the likes of you?
A rat is a far superior species.
What you going to say now?
[LAUGHING]
You got done by a kid!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my belly button hurts!
[LAUGHING]
I'm fine.
Come on, Bogart.
It's time for you to go live
where you belong.
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Hey.
How'd you know about me?
I saw this on the internet
a while ago.
I figured you were the same dog.
Besides, nobody's that good
of a ventriloquist.
I promise I won't tell anyone.
Thanks.
Nice to meet you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
You too, Gregory.
Still no luck with Bogart, huh?
No matter how much I try to tell
him that he needs to be free
he just doesn't understand.
He doesn't speak human.
I don't speak bird.
If you could speak to Bogart
so he could understand you
what would you say?
I'd tell him that
he's a great friend.
My only friend.
And because of that
I want him to stay.
But that's not
what's best for him.
[CHIRPING]
[CHIRPING]
[BOGART CHIRPING]
Bogart was always there
when I needed a friend.
It'll be extra hard being
here now that he's gone.
If it's any consolation,
I'll be your friend.
If you need one.
Likewise.
It must be pretty cool
being able to do
all the stuff you can do.
It has its moments.
But lately I've been wishing
I could just be normal.
I know what you mean.
I guess there's not really much
you can do about it, can you?
Actually, there is.
I found a delete button.
A delete button?
In my hard drive.
It would erase all my
extra canine abilities
and make me a regular dog.
Are you going to use it?
I don't know.
Anyway.
Thank you for doing that.
I'm just happy I could help you.
What did he say?
Bogart?
When he responded to you.
He said you're his best friend.
And you'll always be
in his heart.
[CHIRPING IN DISTANCE]
I have given specific
instructions
not to be interrupted
before my performances.
I need my beauty sleep.
Sydney, we have to talk.
About?
About what you're going to do
after tonight's performance.
I told you, I'm retiring
from the circus life.
How you going to continue on
with the carnival?
You think I need you
in order to be successful?
I'll go solo.
You can't be a solo
ventriloquist.
Can't I?
I'll buy a sock puppet then.
It doesn't eat,
it doesn't poop,
and it doesn't have an ego.
That won't work.
Won't it?
Watch me.
How's it going?
We're already sold out.
This A.R.C.H.I.E.
is quite a draw.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
I heard about Joko said
about your dad.
It's awful.
He doesn't seem very
trustworthy at all, does he?
No.
I guess there are just some
people in this world
who only care
about themselves.
It's okay.
I can take it.
You're a good kid,
Gregory.
Rapscallion!
I beg your pardon?
An 11-letter word for roguish,
dishonest person.
Oh!
It fits!
Well aren't you two
just the cutest thing ever.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Well, look who it is.
Listen, Sydney, I'm really
sorry about earlier.
This is our last show,
let's be professionals.
The show must go on.
Yes, it is quite true
that the show must go on.
And it will go on.
Just not with you
despite your groveling.
Groveling?
Please, please, you're
embarrassing yourself.
I'm sorry to tell you
this, A.R.C.H.I.E.,
but you have been replaced.
But our act is called
Sydney and his talking dog.
Our act was called
Sydney and his talking dog.
Now it's called
Sydney and his talking sock.
Talking sock?
[TRUMPET SOUNDING]
That's a sock puppet.
This is my new
partner Richie.
Too bad for you.
Sydney, don't, don't do this.
You'll destroy your career.
Why, because I wouldn't be
working with you?
No, because you got a
ridiculous sock on your hand!
Jealousy doesn't
become you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
Snooze you lose.
Sour grapes. [LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[WHISTLING]
WOMAN: I hid it
in the deep freezer.
Yeah, listen, you were late
on the fifth cue again.
If you think there's a lot
of chicken in this soup.
There's a lot of chicken
in the soup.
You gotta be tighter
on the cues next time.
Well, maybe I'd be tighter
if I got a paycheck.
Well, I haven't
gotten paid yet.
Full house out there
tonight, everyone.
Have a great show.
Break a leg.
Break a leg?
Well, I sure hope not.
A leg, moron.
Not your leg, a leg.
I don't want to
break anybody's leg.
I gotta save my strength
for the stage.
[SIGHING]
Does it hurt?
Does it hurt
being that dumb?
Hm?
No, not really.
[LAUGHING]
Not really at all.
[APPLAUDING]
She's wonderful, isn't she?
Yes, she is.
I can't tell you
how happy this makes me.
Seeing people enjoy the magic
of the circus again.
You know I have
your friend and his dog
to thank for much of this.
They saved us
from financial ruin.
PAUL: Well, now that
you're making money,
maybe you can let her go.
Let her go?
[SCOFFING]
Lara told me all about
what you did to her father.
What I did to him?
I don't think you have
the slightest idea
what you're
talking about.
He embezzled thousands
of dollars from me.
He cleaned out
our bank accounts.
And because
of his thievery
we're still paying
debts off to people.
He nearly bankrupted
this carnival.
Oh.
Well, she didn't tell me
any of that.
I gave Lara a job out of
the goodness of my heart.
[APPLAUDING]
[SPUTTERING]
It's magic time.
Oh, yeah, buddy.
Break a leg.
Boy, she likes you.
Of course, she does.
She's seen my show.
[APPLAUDING]
[CHEERING]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
There's been a slight change
to tonight's program.
Unfortunately, A.R.C.H.I.E. will
not be appearing this evening.
[UPSET MURMURING]
However, do not fret.
Because filling in for him
is none other than the supremely
talented and extremely funny
Richie.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who.
Smell your poo?
Ew, no thanks.
Smell your own poo,
Richie.
[GROANING]
Okay. Well, we've got
lots of other good ones.
Like, um, why did the
chicken cross the road?
[AUDIENCE JEERING]
Okay, uh.
Hold on! I got some, hey!
Oh, no.
Again, it's all my fault.
Why do you keep
doing this, A.R.C.H.I.E.?
Why do you cause trouble
for everyone?
Everywhere you go.
Why can't you just be normal?
Hey, A.R.C.H.I.E.
You and I are, let's say,
different from the others here.
So I had an idea that
I'd like to run by you.
[GIBBERISH]
[BARKING]
Uh.
Okay, I'll take that
as a yes.
Come on.
We got other ones.
[JEERING]
Hey, now, you got me
right in the mouth.
What's going on here?
Where's A.R.C.H.I.E.?
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s gone.
So is Lara.
Where would they go?
Somewhere she could escape.
The plane.
[JEERING]
And here they are.
Right on time.
Do you remember that plane
ride we were talking about?
I'd like to take you
up on that.
Now.
I'm not taking you
anywhere, Lara.
Oh, I think you are, Paul.
GREGORY:
I don't understand.
You've stolen the money.
Why do you need us?
I need you to fly me out of
this wilderness prison.
I'm not even licensed
to fly a plane.
You think I'm stupid?
If you can't fly then how'd
you get the plane here?
GREGORY: What makes you think
we'll agree to go with you?
If you don't agree
to go with me
then you're going to have
a few things to explain.
Like?
Like the fact that you have
this magical robot dog.
I bet the world would just
love to hear all about him.
I could blow the doors off
your little secret for good.
I guess you know about
A.R.C.H.I.E. too?
And since you're
so clearly unhappy
about being here
at the carnival,
it won't be hard to make it
look like you're involved
in this little scam too.
But I'm not involved.
Prove it.
I could make a case that you've
been helping me all along.
And, oh, what an embarrassment
for your poor dad.
But I'm willing
to forget all that
if you fly me and A.R.C.H.I.E.
to where we need to go.
You and A.R.C.H.I.E.?
Oh, yeah.
Didn't I mention that?
A.R.C.H.I.E's coming with me.
We talked about it already.
You did?
You did?
[BARKING]
We're going to start
our own carnival.
How are you
going to do that?
Um, this'll definitely help.
So you're not just a thief,
you're a kidnapper too.
Kidnapper? Please.
Don't be so dramatic.
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s going with me
of his own free will.
A.R.C.H.I.E., is this true?
[BARKING]
It's pretty simple.
You help me get out of here
and you never see me again.
But if you don't help me,
then we're all in trouble.
Fine.
Take me
but leave Gregory here.
So he can go
and get the police
before the plane's
even in the air?
Not happening.
[MUTTERING]
MAX:
Gregory?
Where's Gregory?
I don't know.
But Lara's gone too.
- What?
- Yeah.
Guys.
I just saw Lara take off
with all the money
and that stupid dog Arty!
A.R.C.H.I.E.?
- Who?
- Gregory?!
A.R.C.H.I.E.?
Ah!
What's going on?
I really don't know
how to do this.
You've gotta help me.
[BARKING]
What is wrong with you?
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s gone.
Oh, this is all my fault.
Me and my bloated ego.
Oh, I could've never thought
that this stupid sock puppet
was more talented than him!
This is just great.
Every cent that we've
earned this week is gone.
The carnival is
officially ruined!
Will you forget about the
money for one second?
My son is missing.
Now, did anyone see
where they went?
[PLANE ENGINE ROARING]
Oh, hey guys!
Look what I found
stashed on the bus!
But if we have that,
what does Lara have?
I don't know. But this
stuff smells really good.
Yes. Yes.
And there's lots of it.
Yes, there's tons!
- It's bottomless!
- Bottomless money!
[ENGINE ROARING]
A.R.C.H.I.E., I really
need your help here.
I don't know how many times
I have to tell you this,
but I can't fly!
Don't give me that crap!
I'm serious!
I wasn't the one who flew the
plane here, it was A.R.C.H.I.E.
Well, make him do it now then.
I'm trying!
But something's wrong,
he's just...
He's acting like a
completely normal dog!
Oh, no.
LARA:
Oh, no, what?
He must've deleted
his hard drive.
What?!
He told me found a delete button
in his hard drive.
Does that mean that he's just
a normal, stupid dog now?!
That's exactly
what it means!
It also means
we're in the air in a plane
that nobody knows how to land!
What in the heck is this?
The first rule of
stealing money
is make sure that you're
actually stealing money.
I got duped.
By an 11-year old.
An 11-year old!
I don't know if you've been
paying attention,
but we've got much bigger
problems here.
[SCREAMING]
So, are we all going to die now?
Yeah. That's a distinct
possibility.
[SCREAMING]
A.R.C.H.I.E., listen to me.
This is your friend Gregory.
I need your help.
[GIBBERISH]
Remember how you said you'd be
my friend if I needed one?
Well, I need one now!
A.R.C.H.I.E.!
[GIBBERISH]
Friend. [GIBBERISH]
Best friend.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Gregory?
A.R.C.H.I.E., you're back.
Yeah, I was having a crazy dream
where I was in this airplane.
That's not a dream.
Please tell me you still
remember how to land a plane.
Of course I do.
Then land it!
Oh, land it, land it, land it!
Oh, boy!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, I'm going to barf!
Gregory?
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Why did you do that?
I did it for you.
I wanted you to be happy.
You love this carnival
more than anything.
Not more than you.
Nothing is more important
to me than you.
What are we going to do with
this traitor, boss?
- Dunk tank?
- No.
Let's just call
the authorities.
How did you figure it out?
I'd been suspicious of Lara
for a long time.
She'd steal just enough for it
to be barely noticeable.
But I knew she wouldn't be able
to resist her greed for long.
When A.R.C.H.I.E. came around
I knew it was just
a matter of time.
Just a matter of time
until you realized that
I didn't take the money.
Yes! Yes!
High-five, Squirt!
Yeah!
Suckers! I bet you all thought
it was me, didn't you?
Didn't you? But it wasn't.
It wasn't me, it was goldie
schmoldie-locks over here.
Well, it serves
you all right, suckers.
I'm going to
tell you something,
I'm going to tell you
for free right now.
Joko is a sad clown
but he's not a thief clown.
He's not a thievery clown.
He doesn't take the money
like you.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, but you're kind of
a mean clown.
Oh, shut up.
You shut up.
Well, Lara...
I guess the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
You and your father
deserve each other.
[LAUGHING]
Don't worry.
We'll be back, Max.
We'll be back.
We could've been famous,
me and you.
More like infamous.
No thanks.
MAX:
Let's go.
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
I think I'm going to barf.
That was pretty brave
what you did.
Thanks.
Maybe we can hang out sometime
and do something more normal.
Like a crossword puzzle?
Sure.
I'd like that.
Speaking of crossword puzzles,
do you know a 7-letter word
for adorable?
G-R-E-G-O-R-Y.
Uh, Mr. Zon.
I would just like to say, sir,
I am deeply sorry for any
trouble that I may have caused.
Deeply.
Deeply sorry.
You're forgiven, Sydney.
You are most kind.
And may I also take this
opportunity to say
what a complete honor it was
to perform in your carnival.
Was?
Well, yes.
Now that A.R.C.H.I.E.'s
retiring from performing
that pretty much pushes me out
of the business too.
That's silly.
You're a phenomenal
ventriloquist.
You could be world-famous.
No, trust me,
it was all A.R.C.H.I.E.
I'm nothing without him.
He's the real talent
in our partnership.
You're a good man, Sydney,
with a kind soul.
That's rare in
this line of work.
I have a proposition for you.
How would you like to replace me
as ringmaster of this carnival?
You're retiring?
Yes.
Why?
'Cause I want to spend
more time with my son.
Give it a shot.
Boys and girls.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dukes and duchesses.
Monsieurs and mademoiselles.
I nobly welcome you
to a show of the most
magnificent performers
in the history of humankind!
You're a natural.
Are you sure you
want to do this, Dad?
Absolutely.
What do you say, Sydney?
There's only
one thing to say.
Thank you!
Okay! [LAUGHING]
Okay, okay, put me down.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, watch out.
He's an aggressive hugger.
[LAUGHING]
[PAUL VOMITING]
That's it, let it out.
Let it all out.
Talk to Ralph.
Probably still airsick.
I'm definitely
getting rid of that plane.
I guess I picked the wrong time
to delete my hard drive, huh?
The timing wasn't fantastic.
Is it still something
you think you want to do?
I don't know.
As soon as I did it
I felt this profound sadness.
Because I lost everyone
I care about.
But at the same time,
I'm sick of getting everyone
into trouble.
If I was just a normal dog
none of this would've happened.
Hey, none of this
was your fault.
But no matter what I keep
having this feeling
that there's something bigger
that I need to be a part of.
Something I need to do,
I just don't know what it is.
[SIRENS WAILING]
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Who's this now?
PAUL:
I have no idea.
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Veronica.
What are you doing here?
Don't worry,
I come in peace.
I work for
a new company now.
And I have a job offer
for you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
- A job?
- Mm-hmm.
It might just be the perfect way
for you to keep your identity
while allowing you
to use your abilities
to do some good
in the world.
That is what they were
intended for.
I'm listening.
When you were stolen away,
the company I work for
endeavored to recreate you,
but after years of trying their
efforts were unsuccessful.
Turns out,
you are one of a kind.
That's when they contacted me
to help find you.
Who's they?
You'll find out
soon enough.
But, for now, suffice it to
say they are very powerful.
What do they want of me?
Why was I created?
You were created to be a beacon
of positivity in the world.
A greater good.
Yes, exactly.
And now that we've found you
we want to know if you would
like to help us continue
this very important mission.
Yes, yes I would.
Very well then.
You'd better come with me.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Let's go, Paul!
Eyes
Can look in the dark and
see something there
Eyes
Imagine the touch
and feel what's inside
You
Got some kind of hold
on me
I can't move
You
Can tell that
I'm wanting you
It's in my eyes
When you look at me
I'm mesmerized
When I look at you
It's in your eyes
I want you
It's in your eyes
I need you
Eyes
Can give you away as fast
Look for clues
I
Can tell that
you're wanting me
It's in your eyes
When you look at me
I'm mesmerized
When I look at you
It's in your eyes
I want you
You know I want you
It's in your eyes
I need you
There's magic in your eyes
Your eyes can cast a spell
There's magic in your eyes
Your eyes can hypnotize me
I'll fall into your eyes
Your eyes,
they mesmerize me
I know that there's magic
I know that there's magic
In your eyes
It's in your eyes
Whoa, oh, yeah
I want you
I want you
It's in your eyes
In your eyes
I need you
I need you
It's in your eyes
I want you
I want you
It's in your eyes
In your eyes
I need you
I want you
I want you
I want you
I'm sorry,
did you just sit here
and watch the entire
credit sequence?
That's impressive.
The movie's over, guys.
That's it, seriously,
there's nothing more.
Just, uh, just going to
sit there, huh?
Woof.
DOG: Hello there. How are you?
Yes, I'm talking to you.
What's the matter?
Never saw a dog talk before?
Well, I'm no ordinary dog.
My name is...
[ZAPPING]
Not again. Oh, guys.
[EXPLODING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
I suppose this means we can't
replicate the technology.
Therefore we must
find the original.
I guess I have to do
everything myself.
Hi, I'm looking for the owner
of a dog named A.R.C.H.I.E.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Eyes
Can look in the dark
and see something there
Eyes
Imagine the touch and feel
what's inside
You
Got some kinda hold on me
I can't move
You
Can tell that
I'm wanting you
It's in my eyes
We're at Angels 10,
and our ETA will be in
exactly niner minutes.
I didn't understand
a single thing you said.
Gotta learn the lingo.
Soon you're going
to be a pilot too.
Not that soon. I've only
logged seven hours.
You did a decent job
taking off.
Taking off isn't much good
if you don't know how to land.
Which I don't.
I still can't believe
you have a plane.
Yeah. It belonged
to my father.
I figured it was time
I learn how to fly it.
Flying is a piece of cake.
Easy peasy summer breezy.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Whoo!
PAUL:
Stop that.
You're going
to make me airsick.
You can't resist an opportunity
to show off, can you?
I gotta be me.
Well, can you be you when
we're safely on the ground?
I can't have anything
jeopardize this trip.
Hopefully soon I'm going
to be living my dream.
Right. Joining the circus.
I'm still really impressed you're
going through with it, Sydney.
When I heard
my favorite carnival
was passing through
this town
I figured this was
my big chance.
I just hope we don't die
before we get there.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Hang on.
Please don't do that.
I'm really glad
you're here, Bogart.
But you shouldn't stay
just for me.
I wouldn't be a very good
friend if I expected that.
You should go live in the wild
like a normal bird.
He still won't go?
No.
Don't worry.
He will when he's ready.
Are you sure you're going
to be okay with this, Dad?
Having an animal
as part of the carnival
would be an added
attraction.
And we could definitely
use the money.
Well, we could.
But remember your good idea?
We're not a circus that
forces animals to work.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry
about the money.
We'll figure something out.
Are you sure you're going to
be okay letting Bogart go?
I'll be sad.
But I'll also be happy
because he'll be free.
Can you be happy and sad
at the same time?
Absolutely.
That's part of life.
It's better than being
just sad, I guess.
Come here.
PAUL: Guys, it's going to be
a great week at the cottage.
A.R.C.H.I.E.: I only wish Sally
could've been here to see this.
I'm sorry again about your
breakup with Sally, A.R.C.H.I.E.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
I've loved and I've lost, Paul.
But in the end,
I guess I was too...
different.
But even the best of us
get dumped.
You should know that
better than anyone else.
I didn't get dumped.
Brooke just got
a very big job offer
on the other side of the world
that she couldn't turn down.
And she didn't invite you
to go with her.
And she's probably
never coming back.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Sounds like dumped to me.
Thanks, guys.
[PAUL SIGHS]
Between breaking up with Sally
and then Isabel
going away to school
you must be pretty lonely
these days.
Sometimes you gotta say
goodbye to your friends.
Whether you
like it or not.
Ow.
[STRUMMING SADLY]
[POPPING]
MAX:
Company meeting, everyone!
Please take your seats.
Well, folks,
once again our family carnival
is one the verge of bankruptcy.
Yeah!
What, is that bad?
Yes.
Oh.
It seems...
nobody wants to go to
the carnival anymore.
All people want to do is
play games on their phones.
Well, that doesn't
make any sense.
I don't understand. We've had
some decent turnouts lately.
Not decent enough, Joko.
You know, you could
just call me Randy.
You know how I feel about
calling you Randy.
I don't call you
Randy anymore.
Okay.
It brings me great sadness
to say that we barely have
enough money to stay afloat.
Well, maybe that's because we
have mismanaged finances, Max.
I'm sorry, guys,
but how much are we spending to
feed Boogie the bird out there?
That's not his name.
It's Bogart.
Oh, what'd I say?
You said 'Boogie'
like you always do.
Sorry, pal.
It's Bo-gart.
Bogart, I'm sorry.
It won't happen again, okay?
Anyway, if Boogie wants
to be part of this troupe
he's gotta
start contributing.
He doesn't perform.
Like, does nothing.
I'm sorry,
but the bird is bad.
He literally
doesn't do anything.
He won't lift a finger
to help out in any way.
SQUIRT:
Birds don't have fingers.
They have claws.
[HISSING]
MAX:
Okay, that's enough.
This has nothing to do
with Bogart.
It has everything to do
with ticket sales.
In fact, if...
we don't have an extremely
successful week
these could be our last shows
before we have to close forever.
Close down the carnival?
But this is our whole life.
This is what we live for!
What are we supposed to do?
The only thing we can do.
We have to try our hardest,
give our all,
and have the best turnout
we've ever had.
And in order to do that
we need to do something special.
Something that will
take people's breath away
leaving them awestruck
having witnessed something so
magnificent and spectacular
that will make
the unwashed masses
toss aside their
electronic devices
and flock to
our glorious ta-da!
[FLATULENCE SOUND]
Okay, who... Who was that?
I tooted.
You should see my mason jar
collection of toots.
I organize them
by size and color.
Okay, that's...
that's odd.
It's natural, we all do it.
You do it.
- I've heard her.
- I don't.
SQUIRT:
They smell like apple pie.
That makes
very little sense.
Max, I don't.
Everyone...
try your hardest.
Joko:
That does not smell good.
Sydney:
Hey.
What are you doing?
Um, nothing.
Dinner's ready.
Mmm. Smells like victory
in here.
What's for dinner?
Pancakes.
Sydney, can you make something
more dinnery?
I'm a sucker for tacos, doesn't
even have to be Tuesday.
It is Tuesday.
Even better!
Can we have tacos?
No.
How about lasagna?
I love lasagna.
No.
- Sloppy joes?
- No.
- Baba ghanoush?
- No.
Look, tomorrow is my audition
for the carnival.
The night before a big day I
always have breakfast for dinner
it's my favorite.
What do you have for
breakfast, shepherd's pie?
Sometimes.
Sydney, are you sure
you want to do this?
I mean, you quit your job and
you packed up your whole life.
I've never been
more sure of anything.
It's my life-long dream.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Why the circus?
Ever since I was young
I've always felt out of place.
Like I didn't belong.
Never once have I felt
part of the cool group.
Amongst a bunch of outcasts
in a circus
I think I'll finally
be accepted.
I'll feel normal.
Speaking of normal,
you know the rules.
I know, I know.
I can't tell anyone about
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s special talents.
Remember how freaked out
you were when we told you?
[SCREAMING]
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
I'm a cybernetic organism.
I'm a cybernetic organism.
[DISTORTED VOICE]
I'm a cybernetic organism.
[EVEN SLOWER]
I'm a cybernetic organism.
Yeah, it took me a minute or two
to get used to the idea.
Look, I wouldn't think of
telling anyone.
I don't know why you wouldn't
want people to know.
If I had his talents
I'd be bragging about it
left, right and center.
What I wouldn't give
to be normal.
Oh, trust me, it's overrated.
So, what are you going to do
for your audition?
I don't exactly know.
If it's human contortionist,
you're a shoe-in.
[FORCIBLY LAUGHING]
I take it back,
not all your talents are great.
[LAUGHING]
I'm going to get you!
Hey!
[LAUGHING]
I've been looking everywhere
for you two clowns.
Oh, we're not clowns!
I know.
Seriously,
we're not clowns.
I understand.
I need you
to finish setting up.
We're on our break though.
Yeah! As per our
carny union rules
we get a 20 minute break
every 10 minutes.
I wish you never
joined that union.
Also you're supposed to
provide us with a hot snack.
And I do not eat gluten.
I eat nothing
but gluten!
I can see that, the whole
world can see that.
[LAUGHING]
Verne, you're not supposed to be
playing with the equipment.
We're not
playing with it, boss.
I'm testing to
make sure it works.
Yup, it works!
[LAUGHING]
What's wrong with you?
[LAUGHING]
[MUTTERING GIBBERISH]
[MEOWING]
[MUTTERING GIBBERISH]
You know, I don't think
you need to be so nervous.
Yeah, this is not
exactly Julliard.
Yes, it is.
It's my Julliard.
Are you Sydney?
My name's Gregory.
Come on in.
It's magic time.
Sydney:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[CRASHING]
[LAUGHING]
SYDNEY:
Oh! Look out below!
[SCREAMS]
[CRASHING]
I can't watch this.
A.R.C.H.I.E: We should go, we're
probably making him more nervous.
[EXPLODING]
Sydney: Somebody put me out!
Somebody put me out!
[STRAINING]
I can fix this.
It...
[GRUNTING]
Just don't
worry about it.
Well, Sydney, you...
You really
threw yourself into this.
Literally.
It's my life-long dream
to be a part of your carnival.
I really just wanted to give it
everything I had.
Sydney, uh...
The unfortunate thing
is to join our troupe...
you must bring something
very special.
Something truly unique.
And...
I'm sorry.
Oh.
I understand.
Being special and unique - never
really been my strong suits.
Story of my life.
Well, thank you
for your time, gentlemen.
We're very sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you. Excuse me.
I guess I need
a new one of these.
[SOBBING]
Sydney, wait!
You said that joining the
carnival is your life-long dream?
It was.
But I may as well
give up on that dream
now that I failed at it.
You can't give up
that easily.
But you heard your dad.
What could I possibly do that
would be unique and special?
Joko:
Okay, that's it.
That's it. I am at the end of
my rope with your dumb bird.
You got a rope?
Why can't I have a rope?
Do you even know
what this is?
Huh?
Do you know what that is?
It's bird poop.
It's bird poop!
Not only does that lazy bird
not do anything
but he craps all over me!
I'm telling you this carnival
is in need of some animals
with some real talent!
Some real talent!
It's all I'm asking, buddy.
Just a little talent!
[LAUGHING]
Talent!
[LAUGHING]
Animals with real talent.
Do you think you could
convince you dad
to give me another audition?
Consider it done.
Yes!
Oh! [LAUGHING]
Yes! [LAUGHING]
Paul:
Man, it sure is beautiful.
Would be nice to have
Isabel here too.
Yeah.
Hey.
You okay?
Do you ever wish
you were normal?
I think I'm pretty normal.
Kinda.
No, I mean normal like with
a normal family and stuff.
Oh, you mean like wife, kids,
white picket fence and a dog?
A regular dog?
Yeah, I guess.
But we've got
a pretty great family.
It's unconventional
but it works for me.
Lately I've been wishing
I could be an ordinary dog.
Do ordinary dog things.
Like catch a frisbee
or pee on a fire hydrant.
Sniff another dog's butt.
[LAUGHING]
Really?
Well, maybe not the sniffing
the other dog's butt part.
I'm sure you could do all those
things if you really wanted to.
Yeah, but sometimes I wish it
was all I wanted to do.
I don't know, A.R.C.H.I.E.
You got something special.
That's the thing,
sometimes being special isn't
all it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, I understand
how you feel.
But sometimes
you just gotta accept things
for the way they are.
[WOMAN SOBBING]
PAUL:
Uh, Miss?
Excuse me.
Are you all right?
Oh, gosh.
I'm so embarrassed.
I thought I was alone.
Is everything okay?
Yes.
No.
[SOBBING]
You're, uh,
you're a member of that carnival
that's in town, right?
Yes.
I'm Laura.
The man who runs the carnival,
Maximillian Zon,
he's a monster.
He's forcing me to work
at his piddly little carnival
against my will.
How can he do that?
Max used to run a much larger
circus with my father.
But at the height of its success
he stole all the money
and then turned around
and blamed my dad.
The police believed Max
and threw my dad in jail.
That's awful.
The worst part
is Max told me
that I must work for him
in order to pay off the debt.
Well...
can't you just run away?
It's not that simple.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Where could I go?
Well, we have a plane, I'm sure
we could fly you somewhere.
You're a pilot?
Well,
I'm more of a co-pilot.
It's kinda complicated.
I have to get to rehearsal.
Max will go on a tirade
if I'm late.
Thank you for listening.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
dumped all this on you.
I just don't have
anybody to talk to.
Dinner is served.
I have made tacos, lasagna,
a side of sloppy joes,
and some delicious
baba ghanoush for dessert.
You made all this for me?
You betcha.
What do you want, Sydney?
Whatever do you mean?
You know what I mean,
Mr. Flapjacks-for-dinner.
[SCOFFING]
[STAMMERING]
Are you...
suggesting I want
something from you?
Just because I slaved
over a hot stove
making my favorite four-legged
friend his favorite dinners?
That's downright insulting.
Okay... my apologies.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How was the feedback
on the audition?
Ooh, it was good.
Really good.
Very positive feedback.
Oh, it was terrible.
Abysmal.
I need your help.
Here we go.
I totally botched
the audition.
But they said that I could come
back and re-audition tomorrow.
I just gotta come up
with something special.
And where do I come in?
You could be that
something special.
Me?
Just think of it!
You know, I could be
the ventriloquist
and could be my dummy.
I'm sorry, dummy?
I'm nobody's dummy.
Yeah, you know, dummy,
poor choice of words.
Absolutely right.
I just meant that you could
be my little puppet.
Well, that sounded
even worse.
Sydney, you know the rule.
Nobody can find out about me
and my special talents.
And they wouldn't. Nobody would know.
That's the genius of it.
They would just think that
I was the greatest ventrilo...
Okay, that we were the greatest
ventriloquist act ever.
It's too risky.
Look, this would make me a
shoe-in for the carnival.
Have I mentioned that
it's my life-long dream?
You wouldn't want to
stand in the way
of a guy fulfilling his
life-long dream, would you?
You know I'd do anything
to help you, Sydney.
But I just don't think
it's a good idea.
I disagree.
I think it's a great idea.
Both:
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
I hope you don't think that
I was spying on you.
I just came by to thank Paul
for being so kind to me.
A talking dog.
Incredible.
How is this possible?
Oh, don't worry,
you can trust me.
I think we can trust Miss Lake.
She is a star
on the carnival circuit.
I'm a cybernetic organism.
A robot?
Yeah, something like that.
Oh, how wonderful.
For what it's worth, I think
Sydney is totally right.
Having you at the carnival
would be a huge attraction.
For starters it could mean
a ton in ticket sales.
But wouldn't that kind of be
like a lie?
A very entertaining lie.
As all good art is.
And, don't worry, I would make
sure that your secret was safe
from the rest of
the carnival troupe.
Well, I suppose if
we were really...
absolutely, positively,
definitely careful
I guess it could work.
Yes! [LAUGHING]
Oh, happy day! Happy day!
Hey look at me wagging my
tail for you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
[LAUGHING]
[SNORING]
Hello, everyone,
my name is Sydney.
And this is A.R.C.H.I.E.
Say hello, A.R.C.H.I.E.
Come on, A.R.C.H.I.E.,
don't be rude. Say hello.
Come on, you silly mutt,
speak.
Silly mutt?
You the one wearing
the ridiculous tie.
But, A.R.C.H.I.E.,
you're wearing a tie too.
Yeah, but it's not
so ridiculous on me.
And it brings out my eyes.
[LAUGHING]
That's funny.
A.R.C.H.I.E.,
you sure are a comedian.
In fact, let's do a few jokes.
Shall we?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who.
I didn't know
you could yodel.
Little old lady who
Here's another one for you.
Why did the turkey
cross the road?
I don't know.
Yes, you do.
To prove
he wasn't chicken.
[LAUGHING]
Man, this is a really bad idea.
I shouldn't be here.
No, no, no, A.R.C.H.I.E.
[SIGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
MAX:
Bravo.
Bra-vo.
Bravo!
Ha ha!
That was incredible.
Sydney:
T-thank you.
MAX:
How did you do that?
Uh, well I had years of
ventriloquism training.
I went to the Royal Academy
of Ventriloquism Arts
in Britain, England.
RAVABE.
Well, sir,
you are spectacular.
And I'm proud
to announce that
you are officially the newest
member of our carnival troupe!
Welcome aboard!
[LAUGHING]
Okay. All right,
you're sweaty.
Oh, you're sweaty.
Whoo.
Dad, the numbers
just don't add up.
I know.
We really do need to
make some money.
No, I mean you have been
making some money.
The ticket sales
haven't been great,
but they've been better
than you realize.
What are you saying,
that we should have
more money than we do?
According
to the records, yes.
How can that be?
Someone must be
stealing from you.
That's impossible.
Is it?
It-it doesn't matter.
Sydney and his talking dog
will save everything.
Hopefully we'll make enough
money and right the ship.
And if we do, we should put
it in the bank right away.
It's not safe
having all this cash around.
No.
No banks.
That's what got us into
trouble in the first place.
Right now the best thing
we can do
is operate as
a cash-only business.
I'll trust you
to keep it safe right?
Why is this carnival
so important to you?
It's my legacy.
Again, it's about you.
That shouldn't surprise me.
No, son, my legacy isn't
about me, it's about you.
Have you ever considered
that I might not want this?
All I want is a normal life.
Like other kids.
MAN ON CASSETTE: Dealing with
your breakup, chapter three.
Loving yourself.
To be worthy of love from
your potential partner
you must first be worthy of
love from yourself.
I want you to wake up
every morning and say,
"I am lovable. I am loveable."
"I am loveable."
Say what now?
Hi.
Hi.
Are you part of the carnival?
Yeah, it's my dad's.
Cool. I'm Emma.
I live here in town.
I can't wait to see the show.
Nothing very exciting
usually happens around here.
Is that your pet bird?
He's not a pet really.
His name's Bogart.
He's my friend.
My only friend.
Why do you say that?
It gets pretty lonely
around here.
Travelling with my dad
for the summer.
I know how you feel.
I get pretty lonely too.
What's that?
Oh, it's a crossword puzzle.
It's a hobby of mine.
Do you need any help?
Oh, uh, no thanks.
No problem.
See you around.
Bye, Bogart.
I going out for a bit, Paul,
see you when I get back.
Wow, you scared the crap
out of me.
What are you, a ninja?
I have my ways.
So, where are you off to?
Uh, the circus,
I'm going to the circus.
And where is Sydney?
Well, he's-he's-he's
there already.
He's waiting for me actually.
I'm late, I should go.
I suppose you two are getting
ready for your big performance.
Performance?
What performance?
Sensational Sydney
and his talking dog.
Have you two completely
lost your minds?
Why would you do
something like this?
I did it to help Sydney.
I know it sounds crazy
but we have a plan and
we think it's going to work.
You think it's going to work?!
Enjoy the show.
How's the crossword
coming along?
Kinda stumped actually.
What's the clue?
Maybe I can help.
An 11 letter word for a
roguish, dishonest person.
Hm.
That is a tough one.
Hey, Greg. Ooh, sorry.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
- It's Gregory.
- It's what?
My name.
It's Gregory.
It's Gregory. No, no, yeah,
I know what your name is.
It's Gregory, come on. Sure.
How are the ticket sales coming?
Pretty good.
Why are you interested?
I'm just curious about
our ticket sales.
I want us to succeed,
be a big successful company.
- Oh, yeah.
- Carnival.
Pretty good is good, right?
Yeah.
All right. That's good news.
Okay. Well,
I better get in there.
Big night of performing.
So, I'll let you two lovebirds
continue on
whatever you're doing.
See you later.
[DRUMROLL]
Boys and girls,
ladies and gentlemen,
dukes and duchesses,
monsieurs and mademoiselles,
I, Maximillian Zon,
nobly welcome you to
the most wondrous show
with the most
magnificent performers
in the history of humankind!
History of humankind.
- Pfft, that's a stretch.
- Shh.
Tonight, you will see feats
so spectacular...
They're going
to see our feets?
I should've bit
my toenails off.
Why-why would you do that?
Why wouldn't I?
So, hang on to your hats,
hold your breath
and prepare yourself
for the ride of a lifetime.
Without further ado,
I bring you the one,
- the only...
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- the magical...
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
marvelous carnival!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Okay, you ready for this?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Let's go get 'em.
- Let's go.
- Let's go get 'em.
Let's go.
Ow.
Welcome to my nightmare,
your table is ready.
It's magic time.
Oh, boy.
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[OFF-KEY STRUMMING]
[OFF-KEY STRUMMING]
[SIGHING] These people
wouldn't know art
if it barfed
in their shoe.
[APPLAUDING]
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
the performance
you've all been waiting for.
Please give a warm welcome
to Sensational Sydney
and his talking dog!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Say hello,
A.R.C.H.I.E.
[CHUCKLING]
[CLEARING THROAT]
I said, say hello,
A.R.C.H.I.E.
Hello, A.R.C.H.I.E.
Now, why don't you show
this lovely audience
just how smart you are
and tell everyone
what your favorite
letter of the alphabet is.
- Y.
- Why?
Because I told you.
No, Y.
Just do it for me.
- You?
- U is your favorite letter?
A.R.C.H.I.E:
No, Y.
SYDNEY:
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
If you don't want to tell me
then we'll try something else.
Uh, why don't you try and guess
what my favorite letter is?
You want me to try to guess
your favorite letter?
- Yes.
- I see.
- That's two letters.
- What?
"I" "C" are two letters.
Just pick one.
Okay.
That's another two letters.
What?
No, I meant okay, you see.
Now, that's four letters.
I don't think you understand
this game.
I meant "okay."
I heard you the first time.
I don't know why
you're getting so upset.
Gee!
It's not G.
A?
It said, "It's not G."
- A!
- I said it's not G!
Are you deaf?
No, I'm not deaf.
Are you?
How many times
do I have to tell you
you could only choose
one letter at a time?
A.R.C.H.I.E:
I am, are you?
Forget it.
Okay, let's
go back to you.
What's your
favorite letter?
Y.
[CHEERING]
I gotta admit,
they're really good.
How you doing?
Great show, isn't it?
Popcorn?
No thanks.
Hm.
Well, it does take years
and years of practice
to acquire the elite set of
ventriloquism skills
that I possess.
But I don't want to
talk about me,
that's a pretty
boring subject.
I just want to thank you guys
so much for coming...
[CHUCKLING]
Can you believe this,
Squirt?
We have been working
this carnival for years
and this clown shows up
and steals all our glory.
[LAUGHING]
And tonight after the show
he'll be signing paw-tographs,
so don't...
He's not a clown,
you're the clown!
Yes, no,
I know I'm a clown.
I'm just talking about
other clowns.
Bad clowns, okay?
Oh.
There are bad clowns?
Oh, that's going to
give me nightmares.
I'm scared of clowns.
Yeah, okay. Come here.
Hey, you can help us
settle an argument.
How many people here
like breakfast for dinner?
That's it! Oh!
This isn't a carnival,
this is an insane asylum.
Hello there.
Lara? Hi.
Great performance tonight.
Why, thank you.
I think Sydney stole the show.
Oh, that's a fabulous act,
isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
I just hope it doesn't
go to their heads.
Their heads?
His head.
Sydney's head, of course.
That's what I meant.
So, uh, when do I get to
see this plane of yours?
Oh, well, it's really
nothing special.
I'd still love to see it.
Sure. Sure.
- Uh, anytime you like.
- Yeah?
Maybe I'll even convince you
to take me for a ride.
Well, I'm really
not much of a pilot.
Oh, modest and cute.
Form an orderly queue, ladies.
[CHUCKLING]
Gosh, that Sydney though,
he is such an incredible
ventriloquist.
So convincing.
You'd almost think that dog
was talking all by himself.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, yeah right.
Wouldn't you?
Totally. But, uh,
I mean that's impossible.
Because, because dog's,
dog's don't talk.
I mean, they talk,
they talk dog language
but they don't
talk human. No.
Not at all, never.
No, that's all Sydney.
'Cause he is an
incredible ventriloquist.
Just absolutely
really, really good.
Yeah.
A talking dog.
Now I've heard everything.
[LAUGHING]
Girls and boys,
ladies and gentlemen...
- SYDNEY: Knock, knock.
- A.R.C.H.I.E: Who's there?
- Edge.
- Edge who?
Gesundheit!
[LAUGHING]
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Little old lady, who?
SYDNEY: I didn't know
you could yodel!
Little old lady who
[CHEERING]
Dukes and duchesses,
monsieurs and mademoiselles.
[LAUGHING]
Say, what do you call
an alligator in a vest?
A.R.C.H.I.E:
I give up.
An investigator.
[LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
MAX: I nobly welcome you
to the most wondrous show
with the most magnificent
performers
in the history of humankind!
[CHEERING]
SYDNEY:
Shandy, here you go, Shandy.
Next, who do I
make it out to?
GIRL: Zimma! Zimma!
SYDNEY: Did you have fun tonight?
That's great to hear.
And what's your
favorite part, Zimma?
That's good to hear.
Thanks so much for coming.
Who do I make it out to?
PAUL: Paul.
P-A-L-L? There you are my...
Paul.
Hey.
It's great to see you.
I thought you weren't going to let
this go to your head, Sydney.
I'm... I'm not.
I swear.
"Pall, keep calm
and be like me."
"YOLO, Sydney."
YOLO?
I know
how this all looks.
Do you?
Because how it looks
is that you put
A.R.C.H.I.E. at risk
for something that you want.
I know you're not
that kind of guy.
But that's how it looks.
I'm sorry, Paul. Look.
Tomorrow it's our
last performance.
Well, A.R.C.H.I.E.'s anyway.
And then everything goes
back to normal, I promise.
I hope so.
Uh, hi.
How are you?
Good, yourself?
Good. Did you
have fun tonight?
Oh, yeah.
I had a great time.
- Great show.
- Thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
I can't do this.
I look like a complete idiot
out there.
Don't worry, you don't look
like a complete idiot.
At least not as much
as Sydney.
Your secret's safe with me.
Joko: I'm just saying, I don't
think we're getting paid enough
is what I'm saying.
I mean, who are the people
coming to see, right?
Who are the people
coming to see?
Who are the...
They're coming to see us, Squirt,
they're coming to see us.
Right? They're not
coming to see Max.
Right? 'Cause we're
the performers.
But yet Max is making
all the money, right?
Think about it. Five
shows sold out in a row.
Think about
all that money.
I'm not good at math.
Don't even get me started
on Mr. Bigshot Ventriloquist
and the dog.
I mean, they're good.
I've seen good. I know good.
[LAUGHING]
There he is! The snitch!
The rat!
The turncoat!
What are you going to go
tell your dad what I said?
Compared with the likes of you?
A rat is a far superior species.
What you going to say now?
[LAUGHING]
You got done by a kid!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my belly button hurts!
[LAUGHING]
I'm fine.
Come on, Bogart.
It's time for you to go live
where you belong.
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Hey.
How'd you know about me?
I saw this on the internet
a while ago.
I figured you were the same dog.
Besides, nobody's that good
of a ventriloquist.
I promise I won't tell anyone.
Thanks.
Nice to meet you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
You too, Gregory.
Still no luck with Bogart, huh?
No matter how much I try to tell
him that he needs to be free
he just doesn't understand.
He doesn't speak human.
I don't speak bird.
If you could speak to Bogart
so he could understand you
what would you say?
I'd tell him that
he's a great friend.
My only friend.
And because of that
I want him to stay.
But that's not
what's best for him.
[CHIRPING]
[CHIRPING]
[BOGART CHIRPING]
Bogart was always there
when I needed a friend.
It'll be extra hard being
here now that he's gone.
If it's any consolation,
I'll be your friend.
If you need one.
Likewise.
It must be pretty cool
being able to do
all the stuff you can do.
It has its moments.
But lately I've been wishing
I could just be normal.
I know what you mean.
I guess there's not really much
you can do about it, can you?
Actually, there is.
I found a delete button.
A delete button?
In my hard drive.
It would erase all my
extra canine abilities
and make me a regular dog.
Are you going to use it?
I don't know.
Anyway.
Thank you for doing that.
I'm just happy I could help you.
What did he say?
Bogart?
When he responded to you.
He said you're his best friend.
And you'll always be
in his heart.
[CHIRPING IN DISTANCE]
I have given specific
instructions
not to be interrupted
before my performances.
I need my beauty sleep.
Sydney, we have to talk.
About?
About what you're going to do
after tonight's performance.
I told you, I'm retiring
from the circus life.
How you going to continue on
with the carnival?
You think I need you
in order to be successful?
I'll go solo.
You can't be a solo
ventriloquist.
Can't I?
I'll buy a sock puppet then.
It doesn't eat,
it doesn't poop,
and it doesn't have an ego.
That won't work.
Won't it?
Watch me.
How's it going?
We're already sold out.
This A.R.C.H.I.E.
is quite a draw.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
I heard about Joko said
about your dad.
It's awful.
He doesn't seem very
trustworthy at all, does he?
No.
I guess there are just some
people in this world
who only care
about themselves.
It's okay.
I can take it.
You're a good kid,
Gregory.
Rapscallion!
I beg your pardon?
An 11-letter word for roguish,
dishonest person.
Oh!
It fits!
Well aren't you two
just the cutest thing ever.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Well, look who it is.
Listen, Sydney, I'm really
sorry about earlier.
This is our last show,
let's be professionals.
The show must go on.
Yes, it is quite true
that the show must go on.
And it will go on.
Just not with you
despite your groveling.
Groveling?
Please, please, you're
embarrassing yourself.
I'm sorry to tell you
this, A.R.C.H.I.E.,
but you have been replaced.
But our act is called
Sydney and his talking dog.
Our act was called
Sydney and his talking dog.
Now it's called
Sydney and his talking sock.
Talking sock?
[TRUMPET SOUNDING]
That's a sock puppet.
This is my new
partner Richie.
Too bad for you.
Sydney, don't, don't do this.
You'll destroy your career.
Why, because I wouldn't be
working with you?
No, because you got a
ridiculous sock on your hand!
Jealousy doesn't
become you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
Snooze you lose.
Sour grapes. [LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[WHISTLING]
WOMAN: I hid it
in the deep freezer.
Yeah, listen, you were late
on the fifth cue again.
If you think there's a lot
of chicken in this soup.
There's a lot of chicken
in the soup.
You gotta be tighter
on the cues next time.
Well, maybe I'd be tighter
if I got a paycheck.
Well, I haven't
gotten paid yet.
Full house out there
tonight, everyone.
Have a great show.
Break a leg.
Break a leg?
Well, I sure hope not.
A leg, moron.
Not your leg, a leg.
I don't want to
break anybody's leg.
I gotta save my strength
for the stage.
[SIGHING]
Does it hurt?
Does it hurt
being that dumb?
Hm?
No, not really.
[LAUGHING]
Not really at all.
[APPLAUDING]
She's wonderful, isn't she?
Yes, she is.
I can't tell you
how happy this makes me.
Seeing people enjoy the magic
of the circus again.
You know I have
your friend and his dog
to thank for much of this.
They saved us
from financial ruin.
PAUL: Well, now that
you're making money,
maybe you can let her go.
Let her go?
[SCOFFING]
Lara told me all about
what you did to her father.
What I did to him?
I don't think you have
the slightest idea
what you're
talking about.
He embezzled thousands
of dollars from me.
He cleaned out
our bank accounts.
And because
of his thievery
we're still paying
debts off to people.
He nearly bankrupted
this carnival.
Oh.
Well, she didn't tell me
any of that.
I gave Lara a job out of
the goodness of my heart.
[APPLAUDING]
[SPUTTERING]
It's magic time.
Oh, yeah, buddy.
Break a leg.
Boy, she likes you.
Of course, she does.
She's seen my show.
[APPLAUDING]
[CHEERING]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
There's been a slight change
to tonight's program.
Unfortunately, A.R.C.H.I.E. will
not be appearing this evening.
[UPSET MURMURING]
However, do not fret.
Because filling in for him
is none other than the supremely
talented and extremely funny
Richie.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who.
Smell your poo?
Ew, no thanks.
Smell your own poo,
Richie.
[GROANING]
Okay. Well, we've got
lots of other good ones.
Like, um, why did the
chicken cross the road?
[AUDIENCE JEERING]
Okay, uh.
Hold on! I got some, hey!
Oh, no.
Again, it's all my fault.
Why do you keep
doing this, A.R.C.H.I.E.?
Why do you cause trouble
for everyone?
Everywhere you go.
Why can't you just be normal?
Hey, A.R.C.H.I.E.
You and I are, let's say,
different from the others here.
So I had an idea that
I'd like to run by you.
[GIBBERISH]
[BARKING]
Uh.
Okay, I'll take that
as a yes.
Come on.
We got other ones.
[JEERING]
Hey, now, you got me
right in the mouth.
What's going on here?
Where's A.R.C.H.I.E.?
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s gone.
So is Lara.
Where would they go?
Somewhere she could escape.
The plane.
[JEERING]
And here they are.
Right on time.
Do you remember that plane
ride we were talking about?
I'd like to take you
up on that.
Now.
I'm not taking you
anywhere, Lara.
Oh, I think you are, Paul.
GREGORY:
I don't understand.
You've stolen the money.
Why do you need us?
I need you to fly me out of
this wilderness prison.
I'm not even licensed
to fly a plane.
You think I'm stupid?
If you can't fly then how'd
you get the plane here?
GREGORY: What makes you think
we'll agree to go with you?
If you don't agree
to go with me
then you're going to have
a few things to explain.
Like?
Like the fact that you have
this magical robot dog.
I bet the world would just
love to hear all about him.
I could blow the doors off
your little secret for good.
I guess you know about
A.R.C.H.I.E. too?
And since you're
so clearly unhappy
about being here
at the carnival,
it won't be hard to make it
look like you're involved
in this little scam too.
But I'm not involved.
Prove it.
I could make a case that you've
been helping me all along.
And, oh, what an embarrassment
for your poor dad.
But I'm willing
to forget all that
if you fly me and A.R.C.H.I.E.
to where we need to go.
You and A.R.C.H.I.E.?
Oh, yeah.
Didn't I mention that?
A.R.C.H.I.E's coming with me.
We talked about it already.
You did?
You did?
[BARKING]
We're going to start
our own carnival.
How are you
going to do that?
Um, this'll definitely help.
So you're not just a thief,
you're a kidnapper too.
Kidnapper? Please.
Don't be so dramatic.
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s going with me
of his own free will.
A.R.C.H.I.E., is this true?
[BARKING]
It's pretty simple.
You help me get out of here
and you never see me again.
But if you don't help me,
then we're all in trouble.
Fine.
Take me
but leave Gregory here.
So he can go
and get the police
before the plane's
even in the air?
Not happening.
[MUTTERING]
MAX:
Gregory?
Where's Gregory?
I don't know.
But Lara's gone too.
- What?
- Yeah.
Guys.
I just saw Lara take off
with all the money
and that stupid dog Arty!
A.R.C.H.I.E.?
- Who?
- Gregory?!
A.R.C.H.I.E.?
Ah!
What's going on?
I really don't know
how to do this.
You've gotta help me.
[BARKING]
What is wrong with you?
A.R.C.H.I.E.'s gone.
Oh, this is all my fault.
Me and my bloated ego.
Oh, I could've never thought
that this stupid sock puppet
was more talented than him!
This is just great.
Every cent that we've
earned this week is gone.
The carnival is
officially ruined!
Will you forget about the
money for one second?
My son is missing.
Now, did anyone see
where they went?
[PLANE ENGINE ROARING]
Oh, hey guys!
Look what I found
stashed on the bus!
But if we have that,
what does Lara have?
I don't know. But this
stuff smells really good.
Yes. Yes.
And there's lots of it.
Yes, there's tons!
- It's bottomless!
- Bottomless money!
[ENGINE ROARING]
A.R.C.H.I.E., I really
need your help here.
I don't know how many times
I have to tell you this,
but I can't fly!
Don't give me that crap!
I'm serious!
I wasn't the one who flew the
plane here, it was A.R.C.H.I.E.
Well, make him do it now then.
I'm trying!
But something's wrong,
he's just...
He's acting like a
completely normal dog!
Oh, no.
LARA:
Oh, no, what?
He must've deleted
his hard drive.
What?!
He told me found a delete button
in his hard drive.
Does that mean that he's just
a normal, stupid dog now?!
That's exactly
what it means!
It also means
we're in the air in a plane
that nobody knows how to land!
What in the heck is this?
The first rule of
stealing money
is make sure that you're
actually stealing money.
I got duped.
By an 11-year old.
An 11-year old!
I don't know if you've been
paying attention,
but we've got much bigger
problems here.
[SCREAMING]
So, are we all going to die now?
Yeah. That's a distinct
possibility.
[SCREAMING]
A.R.C.H.I.E., listen to me.
This is your friend Gregory.
I need your help.
[GIBBERISH]
Remember how you said you'd be
my friend if I needed one?
Well, I need one now!
A.R.C.H.I.E.!
[GIBBERISH]
Friend. [GIBBERISH]
Best friend.
A.R.C.H.I.E.:
Gregory?
A.R.C.H.I.E., you're back.
Yeah, I was having a crazy dream
where I was in this airplane.
That's not a dream.
Please tell me you still
remember how to land a plane.
Of course I do.
Then land it!
Oh, land it, land it, land it!
Oh, boy!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, I'm going to barf!
Gregory?
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Why did you do that?
I did it for you.
I wanted you to be happy.
You love this carnival
more than anything.
Not more than you.
Nothing is more important
to me than you.
What are we going to do with
this traitor, boss?
- Dunk tank?
- No.
Let's just call
the authorities.
How did you figure it out?
I'd been suspicious of Lara
for a long time.
She'd steal just enough for it
to be barely noticeable.
But I knew she wouldn't be able
to resist her greed for long.
When A.R.C.H.I.E. came around
I knew it was just
a matter of time.
Just a matter of time
until you realized that
I didn't take the money.
Yes! Yes!
High-five, Squirt!
Yeah!
Suckers! I bet you all thought
it was me, didn't you?
Didn't you? But it wasn't.
It wasn't me, it was goldie
schmoldie-locks over here.
Well, it serves
you all right, suckers.
I'm going to
tell you something,
I'm going to tell you
for free right now.
Joko is a sad clown
but he's not a thief clown.
He's not a thievery clown.
He doesn't take the money
like you.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, but you're kind of
a mean clown.
Oh, shut up.
You shut up.
Well, Lara...
I guess the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
You and your father
deserve each other.
[LAUGHING]
Don't worry.
We'll be back, Max.
We'll be back.
We could've been famous,
me and you.
More like infamous.
No thanks.
MAX:
Let's go.
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
I think I'm going to barf.
That was pretty brave
what you did.
Thanks.
Maybe we can hang out sometime
and do something more normal.
Like a crossword puzzle?
Sure.
I'd like that.
Speaking of crossword puzzles,
do you know a 7-letter word
for adorable?
G-R-E-G-O-R-Y.
Uh, Mr. Zon.
I would just like to say, sir,
I am deeply sorry for any
trouble that I may have caused.
Deeply.
Deeply sorry.
You're forgiven, Sydney.
You are most kind.
And may I also take this
opportunity to say
what a complete honor it was
to perform in your carnival.
Was?
Well, yes.
Now that A.R.C.H.I.E.'s
retiring from performing
that pretty much pushes me out
of the business too.
That's silly.
You're a phenomenal
ventriloquist.
You could be world-famous.
No, trust me,
it was all A.R.C.H.I.E.
I'm nothing without him.
He's the real talent
in our partnership.
You're a good man, Sydney,
with a kind soul.
That's rare in
this line of work.
I have a proposition for you.
How would you like to replace me
as ringmaster of this carnival?
You're retiring?
Yes.
Why?
'Cause I want to spend
more time with my son.
Give it a shot.
Boys and girls.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dukes and duchesses.
Monsieurs and mademoiselles.
I nobly welcome you
to a show of the most
magnificent performers
in the history of humankind!
You're a natural.
Are you sure you
want to do this, Dad?
Absolutely.
What do you say, Sydney?
There's only
one thing to say.
Thank you!
Okay! [LAUGHING]
Okay, okay, put me down.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, watch out.
He's an aggressive hugger.
[LAUGHING]
[PAUL VOMITING]
That's it, let it out.
Let it all out.
Talk to Ralph.
Probably still airsick.
I'm definitely
getting rid of that plane.
I guess I picked the wrong time
to delete my hard drive, huh?
The timing wasn't fantastic.
Is it still something
you think you want to do?
I don't know.
As soon as I did it
I felt this profound sadness.
Because I lost everyone
I care about.
But at the same time,
I'm sick of getting everyone
into trouble.
If I was just a normal dog
none of this would've happened.
Hey, none of this
was your fault.
But no matter what I keep
having this feeling
that there's something bigger
that I need to be a part of.
Something I need to do,
I just don't know what it is.
[SIRENS WAILING]
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Who's this now?
PAUL:
I have no idea.
A.R.C.H.I.E:
Veronica.
What are you doing here?
Don't worry,
I come in peace.
I work for
a new company now.
And I have a job offer
for you, A.R.C.H.I.E.
- A job?
- Mm-hmm.
It might just be the perfect way
for you to keep your identity
while allowing you
to use your abilities
to do some good
in the world.
That is what they were
intended for.
I'm listening.
When you were stolen away,
the company I work for
endeavored to recreate you,
but after years of trying their
efforts were unsuccessful.
Turns out,
you are one of a kind.
That's when they contacted me
to help find you.
Who's they?
You'll find out
soon enough.
But, for now, suffice it to
say they are very powerful.
What do they want of me?
Why was I created?
You were created to be a beacon
of positivity in the world.
A greater good.
Yes, exactly.
And now that we've found you
we want to know if you would
like to help us continue
this very important mission.
Yes, yes I would.
Very well then.
You'd better come with me.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Let's go, Paul!
Eyes
Can look in the dark and
see something there
Eyes
Imagine the touch
and feel what's inside
You
Got some kind of hold
on me
I can't move
You
Can tell that
I'm wanting you
It's in my eyes
When you look at me
I'm mesmerized
When I look at you
It's in your eyes
I want you
It's in your eyes
I need you
Eyes
Can give you away as fast
Look for clues
I
Can tell that
you're wanting me
It's in your eyes
When you look at me
I'm mesmerized
When I look at you
It's in your eyes
I want you
You know I want you
It's in your eyes
I need you
There's magic in your eyes
Your eyes can cast a spell
There's magic in your eyes
Your eyes can hypnotize me
I'll fall into your eyes
Your eyes,
they mesmerize me
I know that there's magic
I know that there's magic
In your eyes
It's in your eyes
Whoa, oh, yeah
I want you
I want you
It's in your eyes
In your eyes
I need you
I need you
It's in your eyes
I want you
I want you
It's in your eyes
In your eyes
I need you
I want you
I want you
I want you
I'm sorry,
did you just sit here
and watch the entire
credit sequence?
That's impressive.
The movie's over, guys.
That's it, seriously,
there's nothing more.
Just, uh, just going to
sit there, huh?
Woof.