A Reel Heist (2024) Movie Script

1
Alright, ladies and gentlemen.
It's gonna be a real simple,
in-and-out type of job.
Okay?
First things first, we
make it to the elevator.
Once we're there,
we will have garnered quite
a bit of unwanted attention.
But, everybody be safe,
we don't want anybody gettin' hurt.
Once we're in there, we
make our way to the roof.
Everyone, make sure
you've got everything you need.
Once we get up on the roof...
We take the shot.
Whoo.
Places, everyone places.
C'mon, let's set up. We
don't have much time.
C'mon.
- Hudson.
- Yeah?
You're on security duty, alright?
What the fuck? You been workin' out?
I got you, man.
Cam.
Cam!
You got the 85 by any chance?
I got 12... I got the 12 to 40!
Aren't you wanting that for a close-up?
Yes, I was. Yeah. Um...
All the way 40 is gonna
be plenty tight enough.
How shallow were we wanting...
F2.8.
I don't have an ND filter for this thing,
so we're gonna have to do
F4, and bit of...
- You know what, just set it up.
Just set it up. You're smart, you got this,
you know what you're
doing. Just make it quick.
You can bust in without a warrant,
that's during a high-speed pursuit.
One goddamn instance you
can bust in without a warrant,
and that's during a
high speed pursuit or...
Hoo-woah!
Oh shoot, man. Sorry.
K. How's that O'Toole?
O'Toole?
Are you trying to ruin my performance?
My character's name is Jack, - Shit, no.
So call me Jack.
Sorry...
Jack.
Better.
Am I in frame?
You never are!
You're doing amazing.
You need some Theo? Here you go.
Mm.
Alright boys, sound check.
Gimme some dialogue.
I just wish Paige was still
helping us with makeup.
Louder please!
I said I wish Paige was
still helping us with makeup!
She was a pretty great actor, too.
Why would you say that?
Read the room, man.
You guys hear that?
She has to make up with Wally,
before she can do makeup on us!
Hah? Get it? Makeup?
Nothing? Fuck you guys.
Alright, alright. Tip of the
tongue, teeth and the lips...
Alright. Quiet on set!
Sound speeding!
And...
Action!
The thief is somebody on the force.
Or at least that's what
I.A. seems to think.
All these heists...
Makes you think.
Yeah. But we're gonna nab that sonofabitch.
And we're gonna do it
by the book this time.
You're a loose cannon, Jack.
A live wire.
A raw flame. An ace in the hole.
A cup of coffee that's too hot to sip...
As funny as I may find your improv, Theo...
Hurry it up! We're on a
tight schedule here, c'mon!
Guys! The guard is
getting close. 2 floors away.
[panting]
Ready for your close-up, Theo?
There's only one goddamned
instance you can bust in without
a warrant, and that's when...
Shit! Line?
"And that's during a high-speed pursuit,"
"or to protect someone
from criminal activity,"
"and motherfucker, the
Johnson case was neither."
And that's to... uh... High-speed pursuit,
or to protect someone from criminal ac...
Uh... What?
"Or to protect someone
from criminal activity..."
One floor away!
And that's during a
high-speed pursuit, or to protect
someone from criminal
activity, and motha'fucka',
the Johnson case was neither!
- You've gone to far this time.
- What the fuck?!
Oough!
Questions?
Cut!
You fucking cocksucker.
Remember your lines.
Can I have another cashew?
Wow, that was actually
kind of close, sorry. Here.
I don't like to throw
food. Here. Just have it.
Oh, thank you.
Remember your fucking lines.
He's dead.
And just one day away from retirement.
On a serious note: O'Toole,
your performance today...
Gotta say. That shit was amazing.
That death had me fooled, I
thought he was actually dead.
What I did with that scene... and this,
it's an O'Toole special. Right from here.
What I did is I researched
stories of people who had
died and then come back. And y'know,
I found some stuff that
was incredibly profound...
Could I... could we get the bill, actually?
Enough of that.
Yeah. Cash or card?
Uh... Debit card, yeah. Debit.
O'Toole, you know you
could have just shut your eyes,
and thrown your head back, right?
I knew you wouldn't get it.
Have you ever heard the
story about Dustin Hoffman
and Lawrence Olivier on
the set of Marathon Man?
Anybody? Nothing? Okay, well.
Story goes:
Dustin Hoffman had a scene
coming up where his character
had been up all night.
And, Dustin Hoffman being known
for his awesome method
acting techniques, decided
he was actually gonna do it.
So, he stays up all night
to make it more convincing,
shows up to set the next
day, obviously looking
tired and disheveled.
So, Lawrence Olivier
asks him, like, "Hey man,
like, you look like
garbage, what's going on?"
So, Dusty tells him.
And after that explanation,
Larry leans over to him, and goes
"Ey. You should try
acting. It's much easier."
I can't do it, but still.
You know what I'm sayin'.
Did you just compare
yourself to Lawrence Olivier?
Please, anyone jump in
and correct me if I'm wrong,
but I swear I heard he
could remember lines?
Okay. Yeah, no. That
is pretty funny, you fu...
$33.58, hon.
- Good timing!
Huh. $33... That's quite... Um. Okay.
[card reader beeps]
That's kinda weird.
- Declined, try inserting it.
- That's what she said!
That is what she said. Um...
Let me just...
- Saves the day.
- Thank you, Cam.
I'm good on the bill.
So, you doing okay over there, Wal?
I'm fine. Fine. I just
gotta make some calls,
get this movie distributed, and uh,
our shoot tomorrow...
We're gonna be great, alright?
Our re-shoot tomorrow.
Uh... How much have you
spent on this thing, exactly?
My savings and y'know,
like, the money I had saved
up for my university and whatnot but...
Hey, hey, relax, relax.
Who the fuck needs school?
Look at us.
Me and Hud never went to school.
And we're pretty bright, I would say, no?
First paying for lunch, and...
I better be getting my producer credit.
Don't flatter yourself.
The only reason you're
the producer is because you're the only one
of us with a car.
- Heh. Yeah.
- You're welcome, by the way.
You might as well be
credited as our chauffeur.
And what will that make you, Hudson?
Other than our fearless leader's cousin?
Maybe... Watch dog?
Bus boy...
I guess a stunt man?
- That's three jobs!
- And future actor.
You know Wally has promised me...
- Promised?
- That I will be in one of his next films.
- Oh yeah, promised.
- In the near future; that's near!
- And I promise you it's not happening.
- That's near as in never happening!
- Wrap it... Okay. Alright.
I did promise him that
he could be the actor in
the next movie, but for that to happen...
Keep dreaming.
We need to think about the
one that happens right now.
He has been working
out, so I do think he could...
He could be a good actor, yeah.
Hudson, what your cousin
here is trying to say is
Your acting is...
Shit.
- Dude.
- Come on, man!
No, no, no. It's Paige.
No, no, no. I'm not
trying to look at her.
It's like my clock knew
she was here. Don't.
- Don't look. Don't look.
- Don't look over there? Where Paige is?
That way? Right over there?
- Drink your water.
- Stop. Stop it. Stop.
Anyways, Rhodes. How's
that score coming along?
That's an excellent question, Wally.
It's... coming along.
You haven't started have you?
Well, technically speaking:
No. But, rest is part
- of the creative process.
- Yeah, like the last part.
As the producer, I am saying...
As the music producer, I
am saying shut the fuck up.
- Get it together.
- Hey c'mon. Let's...
What do you say we get together, and y'know
bring out the old piano, and
make a score. Me and you,
we can brainstorm, we can do it tonight.
Actually, um...
There was something that we
did want to talk to you about.
The answer is no.
- No, no. Let them... let them say.
- No, we are not doing it.
Let them say, I am the
director, I take all questions.
It's okay. C'mon, I'm feelin'
wonderful, there's no...
No need to hold back, c'mon.
Well, Wal, we were
thinking we'd have a little, uh...
get-together at your house tonight? Y'know?
C'mon man, no.
Celebrate all the good work
we did on the roof today?
We need to stay focused,
we've got pick-up shots tomorrow,
we can't afford to be hungover.
- Wally, don't be an ass, let's do this.
- Come on, man.
- Well, you leave us no choice.
- What?
- Hey Paige, over here!
- Paige!
Hey!
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, Wallace. Everyone.
You guys always knew how to make a scene.
We were actually just trying to convince
Wallace to have a little
get-together at his house tonight.
Sounds fun, Wally.
Too bad you don't do fun, though, hey?
Yeah, he insists on
keeping that stick up his ass.
Sounds about right.
Look, Paige, I get it, okay?
They called you over because they think
they can manipulate me into
throwing them this stupid fucking party.
- Bingo.
- They think that your presence is going
to make me crumble because you're such
a goddess, and I'm going to worship your
feet and throw them this party just
because you're here and so beautiful.
But that's not the case, Paige.
What we're going to do is
actually work on this movie of ours,
and not have this party.
Stop pretending to be an
elitist. You're not fooling anybody.
God, you're impossible.
Aliens is better than Alien.
It's not up for debate.
Actually, it's one of the things which
is most undeniably up for debate.
Okay, O'Toole, why don't you tell these
nice people what you told me when I asked
you what your favorite
color was the other day?
What does that have to do with...
Just tell them.
Alright, alright. Well, what I said is that
I don't really feel like
a favorite color, per se.
It's more of the juxtaposition
of two or more colors.
That's what interests me.
Yeah. And mine's blue.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, I rest my case.
You're really going to take this
dude's film opinions over mine?
Fucking poser, come on!
Defaming my character.
Real fuckin' classy.
- Real fuckin' classy, Theo.
- "Oh, you're defaming my character!"
"Oh, I'm so defamed! Ugh!"
Alright, alright. Cam,
you're the voice of reason.
What do you think, Alien or Aliens?
Well, um...
The first Alien is a lot better
than the second Alien, because...
I think Cam's dead.
Fuckin' lightweight.
Savor those drinks, people.
Last one of the night, after
that it's coffee and water.
Alright.
Look at this guy over here with his,
like, purple dress shirt, and he's, like,
getting all dressed up
for when Paige comes over.
Love you Wally.
You'll thank me in the morning, alright?
I just don't get it, though.
Why do we got to wake up at, like,
09:00 in the morning to go
to the mall when, like, no one...
No one's going to be there.
Okay, so the mall
opens really early, right?
9:00 - 8:30.
Nobody's at the mall that early
because that's fucking psychotic.
Plus, half the stores won't even be open.
We get in, we get out. Quick and easy.
You guys are filming at the mall?
Not Sanford Mall, I hope.
- No!
- No, it's um...
South Lake!
Yes, South Lake.
Yeah, yeah.
Sol... Salt... South... South...
South Lake.
Hey, hey!
Didn't you hear the
big, scary director guy?
We're cut off!
My scenes are wrapped, which means
I do not have to listen to this asshat.
And, uh, Hudson...
I'm not really sure what
Hudson does anyway.
He gets drunk!
Oh, we both do!
Enjoy your water, though.
Shit.
Alright, fun's over.
We watching this thing or what?
This...?
- Oh.
- You said you had the assembly cut ready,
can we see it?
Yeah, why not?
I love you, Jack.
Please tell me you love me.
I love you.
Why else would I do this?
Let me get this straight.
You expect me to believe
that you were at home during the time
of the heist, despite the
fact that you have no alibi?
Well, if you really
want, you can ask my cat.
I hope she likes my re-edit.
You... you didn't...
One too many jokes.
Hey. Shhh.
Shh.
Shhh.
Movie...
Jones was scouring the city, searching
for the Robber of Robinson County.
Here comes the big kiss.
You guys kiss.
- So this is it, huh?
- Guess so.
I've known a lot of thieves in my life.
You're the only one
that could steal my heart.
Enough sentimentality.
Real mature, Wally.
No?
Tough crowd?
Fuck it.
Open bar.
Open bar!
- Okay!
- Open bar!
- He's alive!
- He's back.
- Hey!
- Cam.
Drink to his health.
Bar's open.
This guy!
This... This is the guy.
This is the guy.
It didn't go good with Paige, man.
- No. It did not.
- No. Paige...
You know what they say, right?
You can always buy a new book,
turn the different page.
Motherfucking bookmaker or something?
Look at him go!
[sloppy piano music plays]
True patriot love,
in all of us command.
I love you O'Toole.
You passed out, man.
Don't leave me behind!
Wally, I fuckin' love you, man.
- You need to shave your head.
- I'm a very masculine person.
You need to shave your head,
you Derek Vineyard motherfucker.
Hello everybody.
- Hello.
- Hello.
We should go to my house.
Where is Cam's house?
Is this Cam's house?
Turn another page...
in my chapter!
Let me tell you something
about white women...
Not trustworthy.
Wait, where's Hudson?
Where's Hudson?
Where's Hudson?
That's my cousin, I gotta talk
to his mom. Where's Hudson?
Guys, I'm a cowboy mummy.
Guys?
He has hemorrhoids,
we can't leave him alone.
That's right, he has hemorrhoids.
We can't leave him alone
unsupervised with hemorrhoids.
Wally, get me more alcohol.
My cousin has hemorrhoids!
[high frequency ringing]
What the fuck was that last night?
First film, later talk.
Come on, we make movie now.
My car, my rules.
Before we head in, let me remind
you to keep an extra low profile.
Me and Warren were already on bad terms,
and that was before the little screening
incident with his lovely
little daughter last night.
I mean, you did rip his
daughter's heart out.
Shoot it with a submachine gun,
blow it up, and then show
all of your mutual friends.
I wouldn't say you deserve
to beaten mercilessly, but...
No, actually, yeah, I would say that.
Rhodes.
I appreciate you a lot,
you little fucking piece of shit.
Now let's go do this, alright?
This is just two weeks, and then
I will be right back to my
normal schedule, Mr. Harper.
I'm sorry, but with the
way things are right now,
without three weeks
notice at the very least,
I can't give you that much time off.
You can have your
normal weekend, and maybe
we'll see about you
getting the Monday off...
But this is just three days.
Two days of travel each way,
and there's no time to
spend with my mother.
But maybe I can try
and make it for one week.
Would that work for you?
Look, Amir.
You haven't been working here
long enough to take impromptu
holidays to Persia or wherever.
My answer is no.
It's not Persia.
It's Iran.
And my mother is ill. Ill.
Let's say that I let you.
And in one month's time,
Jeremy comes up to me and he wants
two weeks off because his dog died.
I say no.
Then he throws in my face that I made
an exception for you and not for him.
My answer is no.
Warren.
I haven't ever missed a day yet.
And I don't have this huge amount of money
just to spend for one day with my mother.
Then I guess you have to ask yourself,
how bad do you want to see her?
What the hell is this meaning, man?
Learn to speak fucking English.
Here in the civilized western world,
you don't talk to your superior like that.
And you sure as shit
don't take two weeks off
without any notice.
Okay.
I quit.
Well, wait a second.
You can't quit because you're fired.
You cannot fire me. I quit.
You can't quit because you're fired.
Now this is so petty.
It's very childish.
Petty?
Childish? Says the momma's boy.
Get the fuck out.
She's 79.
She must be really proud of you, eh?
Working as a mall manager's assistant,
at your age.
And a mall manager? Who is as
twice as my age, you fucking loser.
And two weeks of pay, please.
You know, I could say no,
seeing as you quit.
You participated in your own termination.
However, I'm not a monster.
Leave.
Sound check on the walkies.
Loud and clear.
Excuse me, I'm trying
to get into character.
Sorry, O'Toole.
Sorry, uh, Jack.
Nice save there.
Action.
You clever girl.
Hiding the money in the
most populated part of the city.
Certainly did learn from the best.
That money is rightfully mine.
But I must warn you, the money...
O'Toole, head down. I repeat: head down.
Cam.
Cam!
Cam...
Been doing some shopping, eh?
Yeah, y'know.
Hey, Warren.
Hi, it's me. How are you?
Hey, douchebag.
Just checking out to see what
your butt-buddy here bought.
- Just some underwear.
- Just underwear.
Uh... What... That's mine.
Okay, look, Warren, we're sorry, all right?
We apologize. We shouldn't be here.
Let's not let personal biases
cloud our judgment now.
And what personal biases might that be?
You know, I have no idea
what my daughter sees in you.
Or any of you wastes of space.
Fuckin' losers.
Warren, that's mine.
Hey, come on.
Get the fuck over here, man.
You can't do this.
Warren, please.
Warren. Please.
Security!
Please?
I bet you feel real fucking
powerful. Fucking old bag.
Imagine being 50 years old,
and getting off on bullying kids.
You're all fucking banned!
You. You. You. You.
You're all fucking banned,
and if I ever catch you within a mile
of my fucking mall,
I'll beat your fucking heads in.
Try me, Warren.
You got lucky this time.
Don't ever talk...
To my daughter again.
Get the fuck outta' here.
Fuck you.
This is incredibly embarrassing.
Where am I supposed to shop now?
We got off pretty lucky.
Could have been a lot worse.
What?
We can drive down to South
Lake Mall and shoot it tomorrow.
Today even.
No, no, no.
Did you not hear him?
- Sounded like a pretty serious threat.
- Look man, I'm sorry.
This sucks. I know that.
Get in the car.
C'mon man, we're tired.
We've had a shitty day.
We just want to go home.
Can you please just get in
the car so we can go home...
Or... fuck it. Just say anything to me.
He's a lost cause.
Wally, what are you doing man? Come on!
Get in the car.
I'm gonna go back in,
pull the fire alarm, and
when everybody leaves,
I'll grab the card.
- Fucking simple.
- What are you nuts?
Are you still drunk?
Are you insane?
It was just one scene.
It wasn't just a scene.
There was way more
than a scene on that card.
Well, how much was it, Wally?
The outtakes, behind-the-scenes, rough cut.
That old bag's got every
fucking thing we worked on so far.
We still have the hard
drive at home, don't we?
I sold it.
I sold the hard drive!
Needed to pay rent.
I'm sorry... You had to do that, Wally.
Can you just please get in the car?
Freeze, cocksucker!
Rainer, you bastard!
Sup' buddy?
Just in the neighborhood, you know.
Thought I'd stop in.
It's been a while.
How the hell you been?
Yeah, you know. Same
old shit, same old shit.
Can't complain. Nobody
wants to fucking hear it anyway,
- even if I do, right?
- I hear you.
Yeah.
Mall's still standing here, I see.
Barely.
You should have seen the fucking punks
I just chased out of here a minute ago.
Nearly ruined my fucking day.
What?
Where the fuck did they go?
It's all right, I handled it.
It's just some shithead kids.
One of them was the brat I told you about.
The one who's trying
to date my little girl.
I wouldn't want my little
girl dating any boy her age.
Kids don't even talk to
each other these days.
Christ, they just text, that's all they do.
- It's fucking embarrassing.
- Jesus, tell me about it.
They stare into those
goddamn phones like zombies.
- They don't talk to each other.
- Yeah, exactly.
All they ever do is text.
It's ridiculous, man.
Remember when we were kids and you
actually had to go up
and talk to them for real?
Like, face to face. You remember that?
The bad old days, yup.
Yeah man, I remember that one time
you asked out that really tall,
blonde senior when we were just freshmen.
Took you like 40 minutes to get
yourself amped up to go talk to her.
You remember that? Where the fuck was that?
Ah, shit. That was at Sanford.
- That was here, wasn't it?
- Oh, shit, that's right.
Yeah, that was here. That's right.
That was back when they had the big
tacky fountain in the middle of the mall.
You remember that?
We still have that.
Alright, alright.
Fuck, man.
I remember when you were going
to be the next big author, y'know.
The next Hemingway. You remember that?
Who would have thought
you'd end up managing this sh...
This place?
End up managing the mall.
Light em' up.
My wife actually thinks I quit, but...
Yeah, I still usually
smoke about a pack a day
when I'm on duty.
At the last poker game,
didn't you say you guys are on the outs?
Yeah, that's right.
Fucking women, eh?
Speaking of which, how's Paige?
She's a pretty big kid now.
Real teenager...
With all the fucking drama and emotions.
Fucking Christ, tell me about it.
How old's your little one now?
I want to say, like 14 or 15.
She just graduated high school, so, y'know.
Oh, shit. I better get going.
Alright, man.
Good to see you though, brother.
I'll catch you next time.
Fucking jackass.
Fuck...
Fuck!
You know, this wouldn't have
happened if I hadn't fallen asleep.
It is all my fault. I am sorry.
- I am really sorry.
- Cam, stop.
I'm the only one who wasn't
violently hungover today.
I should've been keeping watch.
Yeah, but I fell asleep with the camera.
No, no, no. It's my fault...
For letting you guys have that
stupid fucking party last night...
Guys, please don't
blame yourselves. Really.
It was just a combined series of very...
- C'mon O'Toole, not now.
- He's just trying to help
Hear me out.
If Hudson had been there keeping watch,
then he would have
seen Warren first, right?
You know, that doesn't
make it his fault either.
See here, there's really
no use in getting into...
But he didn't.
What?
Hudson... he didn't see
Warren, which means...
Means Warren didn't see him or Theo.
Then you are going to take these from me,
if I could say a word about that.
See what I'm saying?
Lawrence Olivier is a
fucking boss in this movie.
His bark is worse than his bite.
- He's a middle management nobody.
- Get out of the way.
That doesn't...
- We're watching something.
That doesn't matter because
he still has the SD card.
And if he suspects that any of us
are doing anything, the film's gone.
- He could do that regardless.
- The fuck are they talking about?
What the fuck are y'all talking about?
We were filming in the mall and then...
[clamoring]
- Guys one at a time, this is ridiculous.
- Slow down!
Alright, Wally, what's up?
We're just really excited, alright.
So, we were at the mall.
Warren took our SD card.
We are now banned.
The film's gone.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Nope.
But since you two weren't really
there, Warren won't recognize you.
- That doesn't fucking matter.
- Who gives a sh...
Everyone got it?
Alright.
Well then, the plan's set.
Hello?
Can I help you?
Here for the job interview?
Oh, sure.
Come on in.
So what makes you think
you'd be right for this job?
Well, let me tell you, Warren.
I have outstanding communication skills.
I am a detail oriented team player,
who's flexible,
and I have a positive, can-do attitude.
And my analytical forward
thinking skills are second to none.
Shit. I'm sorry.
Let me get those.
That's alright.
- Let me get those.
- Just an accident.
I'm Hudson.
Well, I admire your confidence, but do
you have any experience as an assistant?
Shit.
You forgot his lines.
Oh, shit.
Well, you know, let's just
hope that Hudson gets there
before he starts...
Y'know...
Improvising.
Expecting someone?
Actually, I do have experience.
Oh, shit.
Do you have a phone I
can write my number in?
Sure, awesome. That'd be great.
And that's when that Tibetan Sherpa looked
me dead in the eyes and told me
exactly what it meant to be an assistant.
And like that, he was gone.
He risked everything...
Just to save the climbing party.
Right.
So let me get this straight:
all of your assistant
experience is theoretical?
Oh my god. Come quick.
Some kids are painting anarchist
symbols outside of McDonald's.
Not on my fucking watch.
C'mon where are you, you little fucker?
Okay.
[beeping]
[footsteps]
If it's not a damn thing it's another.
Bunch of goddamn wackos in this mall.
Get out kid, you didn't get the job.
Aw, really?
Ah well.
Like my dad used to say,
you win some, you lose some.
There's the door.
Okay.
SD card has to be in the safe, guys.
I mean, I looked everywhere.
Even the fucking garbage can.
If it's in the safe we're done for.
I'm not going to get in there.
I'm no James Caan.
Then Hud, I just wish you'd
given me some more time.
I'm sorry, Theo. I...
I'm just not as good
of an improviser as you.
Yeah, it's alright, man.
But you know what, though?
You were actually a
pretty convincing actor.
It's just too bad you couldn't stop
trying to get laid for five minutes.
Not very successful, I might add, though.
That's enough!
There's one more thing we could do.
I know what you're going
to say, but don't say it.
Please?
She hates my guts, Rhodes.
If I call her, it's just
going to set us back.
We're not on speaking terms.
Just give her a call.
Otherwise you might
not see your movie again.
Fine.
Do you think she wants me?
[phone dialing]
Hello?
Uh, Hey, Paige, how's it going?
Fine. How are you?
What's with the echo on your end?
You're on speakerphone.
I've got someone here
who wants to talk to you.
Is it Wally?
Yeah.
Hey, Paige. Hi.
Fuck off. Really, Rhodes?
Look, I know what you're going to
say, Paige, but we need your help.
Okay. Hey, Mr. Director's cut.
Are you ready to apologize?
Okay, just listen, Paige.
Your dad took the SD card,
and our whole movie's gone.
Everything's missing.
Right. Okay.
So are you going to say sorry or not?
Can you help us get it back?
You're the only one that can help, Paige.
Well, why do you want
me to help you, huh?
Why would I do that?
Because you know him.
I mean, you're the only
one that's close to him.
I know we shouldn't have been shooting
at Sanford mall, and we should have told
you, but we need you
more than ever now, Paige.
Okay, cool.
Well, I really don't give a shit
that you need me more than ever now.
You killed me off, so, just...
Why don't you consider
me dead... In real life, too.
You dropped out...
You dropped out on us.
When we needed you the most.
[Paige hangs up]
Here they come.
What happened?
You guys can head out.
What?
What did she say?
- What do you mean?
- What are you talking about?
It's okay. Just head out.
We're just going to give up on the movie?
It's all I have in me, to be honest.
I lost more than a film.
I know that we all worked hard
on it, but I lost more than a film.
I lost my girl.
16,000 dollars.
My dream of being a big movie director.
Gone out the window, right?
At least I tried.
Come on.
This is our movie.
Your movie.
We're done, Cam.
I'm sorry that this happened to you,
but you can't just say,
oh, I'm done, and it's over.
You know many times I've hurt myself?
Are you saying I broke
my thumb for nothing?
I don't think you know
how this works, but...
I became Jack.
So by you, like, ripping me out of this
performance, you could
be damaging my psyche.
Holy fuck. Shut the fuck up.
Please.
You're injured, hurt, whatever.
You're 16. You'll be fine.
You'll bounce back.
And you... your fucking psyche?
I've been losing my mind,
chain smoking my fucking lungs away,
and you're worried about your psyche?
Get the fuck out.
All right, Wally.
I was talking... I was talking about...
Just go.
Please, just go.
Sorry.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- I'm sorry, Cam
No one's heard from him in a week,
ten days, even.
Just going through creative depression.
There's no way that's an actual thing.
Do you remember last year when I erased
the entire master to a track I
had been producing for months?
I did the exact same thing.
My mom almost sent out an Amber alert.
Wally, buddy?
It's your old friends, Cam and Rhodes.
You remember us?
Wally, you in there?
No.
Yeah, that's perfectly fine, Wally.
- Stop.
- We'll be on our way.
Don't you think you should just, like,
I don't know, come outside for just a bit
and go on a walk, or something, with us?
Or...
Just me?
No.
It's not good for you, y'know,
being stuck in your room all day.
You think some fresh air
would be good for your...
Um, mental health.
[film playing on TV]
[Latin gibberish]
Just hold on honey.
It's almost over.
- Dad! You ruined the fucking shot!
- What the fuck are you guys doing?
What does it look like? We're
making a film and you just ruined it...
And you!
Hey, dipshit. Dumbass.
Get the fuck out. Now!
Enough with the stupid fucking movies.
Is it done? They're coming.
No, no. Nuh ugh.
Fucking hell. Dramatic.
At what point?
What reason in your head do you...
What do you think? Too folksy?
[phone dings]
It could use some work.
Huh.
I guess that talk today worked.
He appears to be out of his slump.
He does, does he?
What'd he say?
He sent me a few audio files
and asked me to help edit them.
Okay, well, can I listen to them?
You and these fucking movies.
Every time you break my daughter's heart
she's an emotional pain
in the ass for a month.
She's so fucking dramatic.
It's no problem if you fuck her.
Don't make her think she can be a star.
Was that supposed to be Warren?
It's audio of him, edited together.
Sloppily, might I add.
There's a reason I
handle the sound for Wally.
You know what this is, right?
He's trying to get Paige back on his side.
Of fucking course he is.
I mean, this is pretty low.
Are you going to help him do this?
Help one of my best friends
manipulate one of my other best friends?
Yeah, that's what it's going to be.
Ugh.
[phone dings]
It's gonna be him again.
Well, it seems I am
going to have to kill you.
Sure. Why?
You know too much.
From Wally:
"Just between me and you, Ro,
for the sake of getting the film back."
Wally.
Everything all right?
Yeah, I'll be okay.
At least I think I will.
Uh, 15 bucks.
God bless you, Rhodes.
You're angel.
God bless you, Rhodes.
Paige, I gotta.
Hey, Paige... hello?
Hey, Paige.
Wally. How are you?
I just called to check up on you...
I just gotta...
I'm going to get right to it, Paige.
I got to tell you something.
Okay. So, I was having a
conversation with your dad and...
I was recording him.
And he didn't know that I
was recording him, of course...
Yeah.
Paige, you need to know.
He said some things.
He said some things that I...
I think you need to hear it, Paige.
The recording, like...
It'll show you the type
of person Warren really is.
Yeah!
Yeah, for sure. Whenever you like.
Take your time.
Whenever you're free,
come over and do your thing.
I'm not gonna try nothin'.
Y'know, it's not about me
and you getting back together.
It's nothing like that, it's just...
It's just something that I
need to show you, Paige.
As a good friend. That's all.
Okay. Sounds good.
Thank you... Sweetie?
Bye.
[phone dings]
Hey guys.
Morning.
Mm. Don't remind me.
I work tomorrow.
Fuck, today.
Well, uh...
Two down, two to go.
Guys, what are we doing?
- Your guess is as good as mine.
- Yeah.
You guys think he's going to off himself?
That is not a joke.
Guys, I mean, he has
been pretty down lately.
Yeah, no shit.
- Okay, why are we talking about this?
- When we get there...
We should probably, like, hide all the
sharp objects.
No, he's hiding anything.
He's probably just going to
apologize for being mean the other day.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Thank you all for coming.
Thanks for the invite.
Won't you come in?
- Alright.
- Let's go.
Hudson will get murdered first.
He start cooking meth in
here in the last two weeks?
- Smells like shit.
- Is that a dead animal I smell?
[inaudible whispering]
Who's he talking to?
We're the only ones here.
Cam, the majority of conversations
you have are muttered to yourself.
It's not without cause, okay?
The cause is no one likes to talk to you.
- Shut up.
- Sorry, Cam.
Is that Paige?
Paige! Hi.
Howdy, Brubeck.
You guys should grab some
caffeine and strap in tight.
Help yourselves!
- Uh... What are you doing?
- Wally, this is writing food.
Let's not get these people excited again.
I don't want you to get let
down. What are you doing?
But Wally, why are we
having writing food now?
- Wally.
- I see a lot of you are very smart today.
This is writing food.
Did you just rip us out of our beds
at 03:00 in the morning
to go over a story idea?
Oh, O'Toole. I did exactly just that.
But you see, the writing has been done.
So now...
Let me explain...
Did you want one?
What you got there?
A plan.
- Strap your mouth.
- Or you could strap on.
Alright, alright, settle down.
I was pretty sure I'd
never see this film again,
but with certain participating
parties and mutual enemies,
it's going to be a cinch.
So I did what I do best,
whipped up this little
90 page, low budget spec
in a 48 hour manic episode.
That brings us to this.
You're so cute when you
get all animated like this, Wal.
I work in 4 hours.
I already called in sick for you.
Harper.
You want to take it from here?
It's a lot of ups and downs.
Very confusing script.
Are you sure you can handle it?
I don't know.
My tiny woman brain might short circuit.
As you may know, our
SD card lies in the heart
of Sanford Mall.
What Tripadvisor referred to as a...
Quaintly flaccid shopping center,
in a dated roadkill town.
Classic.
As you also may know,
the manager of said mall
is none other than my...
charming and affable father.
He has securely locked the film away
in his office safe under the desk.
As isolated challenges,
the mall's entrance is,
as Wally said, a cinch.
No more complicated than me going home
and nabbing the spare
key on top of the fridge.
But the office door and the safe
are slightly more complicated.
It's going to require a
seriously dedicated crew.
Nonunion, of course.
Unpaid?
Of course.
You guys know anyone that's available?
- Yeah?
- Your mom. Let's go, c'mon.
Well, hop to it.
How do we get in the safe?
O'Toole.
My dear, dumb, beautiful, blonde boy.
A lot of things need to be hashed out
first before we can talk
the specifics about the safe.
First off: security.
This is unnamed guard number one.
Seems like lazy writing.
It's just incidental.
I never got his name, but
let's talk about his character.
He's great at his job.
A very loyal, honest, hardworking man.
But like every other
man, he has a weakness.
And that weakness is in
the form of his fiance.
And, oh boy, what a form she is.
Their relationship is
rocky, to say the least.
Do we need to know this, or do
you just relate to the guy, Wal?
We're going to do a little speculative
videography, and I'm sure he will
agree with everything afterwards.
Blackmail?
You sure are on the ball
today, aren't you, little Hudson?
You little donut-munching motherfucker.
Security guard nmero dos.
Cam.
Does he look familiar?
Think self tapes.
Oh, good lord.
Is that Mark Marquette?
Very good memory. That's Mark Marquette.
I don't ever forget a
Mark Marquette audition.
Catch me up here. Who's the geezer?
Anytime we've put out a local casting call,
Mr. Marquette is dying to be in our films.
As always, we never cast him.
He is a bit eccentric and a
hair out of our age range.
It does appear he found his day job.
Indeed.
And it will not be hard to distract him.
Mr. Marquette lives for the theater.
Moving on.
As Paige said, she's going to
grab the mall entrance key tonight.
So nice of her.
But Warren's office key...
That's located one
place and one place only:
His belt buckle.
Fuck.
That's where Hudson comes in.
You lost me.
Me and you will discuss
that further later, don't worry.
I don't know. You seem pretty suspicious...
Next.
C'mon, where are you, you little fucker?
Is that me?
Yes.
That was you when you were
rummaging through Warren's office.
Those beeps at the end.
[safe beeping]
Remember that?
Yeah, of course. It was
me trying to open the safe,
but it obviously didn't
work because we're all here.
Naturally.
The beeps on the safe.
You pressed six buttons, and
each one made a unique tone.
So what?
Oh, shit!
If each number is associated with a note,
then all I need to do is hear Warren
opening the safe, and I can listen
to the tones and crack that baby!
You can do that shit?
- Perfect pitch, motherfucker!
- Fuck yeah.
Okay, but you're forgetting something.
We have to put a mic in Warren's office.
How are we going to do that?
We already have.
[muffled Warren speaking]
It's just a matter of getting it back.
Which is on the docket for...
Tomorrow. A busy day.
A lot of ground to cover.
Oh, sorry.
It's not written in there. I got lazy.
I just wrote "montage" in parentheses.
I see him.
Ease up, Cam.
Just a little.
What should I do?
Follow him?
Yeah, just wait for him.
Yeah, just wait for him to come out.
I got the camera ready.
That's him.
I got my camera out. This is perfect.
This is perfect. Stop. Stop.
This is perfect.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Looks amazing.
Walk across.
Perfect. That was it.
There's no way that this guy's
talking himself out of this.
Hey, Paige, what was this guy's name again?
Todd.
And I just found his lady
friend's social media. Lily.
Can you send me the link to her account?
Yeah.
Alright. So, where do you want to go?
Well, last time we did Thai, right?
- Yeah, Thai is good.
- I don't know.
- Mexican?
- Yeah, I love tacos.
Haven't had chimichangas in a long time.
Y'know.
Oh, you know what?
I forgot something.
I'll be right back.
I'll be quick.
You need help finding something?
No! I know my way around
your office. I'm good.
Alright, sweetie.
Be there in a sec.
Just forgot my lip... lip gloss.
You know.
Lip smackers.
I remember that.
- Hey.
- Hello!
Let's go!
It'll be nice to have lunch together.
It's been a while.
Cam.
It's coming together, buddy.
There. Stop.
Nope, just more middle-aged-man-breathing.
[safe beeping]
Did you hear that?
Ready now, Brubeck?
There it is.
C, D, E flat,
F sharp,
G, F sharp.
That's kind of nice.
And that's it.
Third act. Denouement.
Conclusion.
It's looking good, Wal.
So, guys, when I locked
myself up in that room
for two weeks, I watched
a lot of heist movies.
In each heist movie,
something has to go wrong.
It's unavoidable.
So, to all the thespians in the
room, bring your improv skills.
Yes, and?
Alright. Strap on in.
It's coming together.
Cam? Buddy.
I was listening to the...
Music.
My car and my rules.
Okay, Cam, I never got a chance to ask you:
Alien or Aliens?
That's enough.
That's enough. Don't try
and avoid the inevitable here.
We both know what's going on.
And you know what?
I know about your little sound
mixing session that you did.
Cam, don't lecture me now.
Admittedly, yes, the sound was altered,
but Warren's sentiment is still true.
It doesn't change what he did.
You're being a scumbag right now, Wally.
He stole everything that we worked for.
Everything that you worked for.
As a filmmaker, Cam,
you know that sometimes you gotta
pull a few strings to send a message.
Pull a few strings to send a message?
What's wrong with you? You don't care...
You cannot go around and
say, oh, I care about Paige.
And I care about her.
Well, if you care about...
Paige.
Honey. Sweetie.
Paige, honey, sweetie, look.
We need to have a talk.
There's something you need to
know, something that I need to tell you.
It's important.
Just promise you won't be mad.
I mean, you actually
might find it quite funny.
[muffled Wally speaking]
Hey, Wal.
Feeling sleepy?
Mhm.
Big day tomorrow.
Getting nervous?
No, just the usual.
The anticipatory dread.
G'night Wal. Get some sleep, okay?
When I was in grade one, I think,
there was this kid I used
to hang out with all the time.
Pete...
What was his name? Pete...
Rudolph.
Anyways, we hung out so much that one day
got down on one knee and
proposed to me to be his girlfriend.
We used to hold hands, and
go on the swings together,
and just did everything together.
Wait, everything?
What do you...
Everything?
I'm just kidding.
Recess. Recess everything.
It's a lot of time during recess.
15 minutes.
It's a lot of time for you.
We actually had a better
relationship than most adults, I'd say.
Anyways, one day, he
just stopped talking to me.
Completely out of the blue.
Never heard from him again.
And the next year, he
ended up changing schools.
This was at the time of grade one,
so my mom had already left by then,
so the only person I could
have girl talk with was my dad.
The old bag, Warren.
Yeah.
Can't imagine what that was like.
It was a treat.
Anyways, he took me to the mall,
went shopping to make me feel better,
he gave me this big talk about how boys
could be mean and don't let anyone use you.
How we always have family to fall back on.
It was actually nice.
But then high school came
along, and I had Chem 10,
which I sucked at,
- with Pete...
- Rudolph?
Yes, Pete Rudolph.
What a guy.
We laughed and we joked about all
the shit we did in grade one.
When he got down on one knee.
Anyways, I ended up asking him
why did you stop talking
to me way back when?
What'd he say?
He said that dad took him aside one day.
Warren.
He told him that if he
ever talked to me again,
he would have him expelled.
- To a first grader?
- Yeah.
And then he had the audacity to take
me shopping, give me valuable life lessons.
Got to say, that's low, even for...
Fucking asshole.
Yeah.
So, um...
I was really glad that you
showed me that audio clip,
because he's so manipulative,
you never know what
he's thinking or feeling.
And in a weird way,
it was kind of nice to know that, um,
dad just doesn't actually
like me that much.
I mean... Come on, Paige.
Of course he cares about you.
You don't really think that, do you?
Are you standing up for him?
No, I'm just saying, like,
you only have one dad.
Tried his best.
Okay, you're being kind of weird.
Sound like his wingman.
Not trying to wingman your
dad. Why would I do that?
But I'm just saying, like, our parents,
they work with what they have.
It's kind of hard.
Like, imagine being in their shoes.
Okay, this is strange to me.
Is it because I mentioned dad in bed?
Yeah, exactly.
That would do it.
- Would you like some water?
- I'm okay, thanks.
Also you are slugging
that back like a horse.
Okay.
I'm going to go run and
make some coffee, alright?
And I'll be right back.
We need to talk. And I'm
just gonna make some coffee.
Alright?
Wait, Wally. Talk?
You're freaking me out.
Drink that water. Right back.
Coming right back.
I'm gonna go make the pot of coffee...
What are we talking about?
Wally, we need to talk.
What are you talking about,
when you said we need to talk...
Black or brown?
- How do you like your coffee?
- Fuck the coffee.
What do you want to talk about?
You're being really weird right now...
- How we doin'?
- Everybody!
[chatter]
Coffee's on.
Anybody wants some?
Hey!
Anybody want a cup?
Absolutely!
No more coffee for O'Toole.
He will die, and he
will bring us with him.
Okay, Wally.
You guys have to try
this place. For breakfast,
we had a couple... all of us
had some cookies from this,
like, quaint little sandwich shop downtown.
It was so... I forget the...
- What was the name?
- It was a Subway, Hudson.
Still good.
They have good sandwiches,
I'm not going to lie.
They do. Yeah.
Holy shit.
Are you guys nervous or what?
- Uh...
- A little.
Well, uh, y'know, I was
reading in the New Yorker
a little while ago, and
it was talking about how
stage fright is similar to
having a stroke, actually.
- No way.
- No, it's real, it's real.
- I swear.
- I'm calling bullshit.
But, uh, yeah. And, uh,
Gave some of these remedies for
glossophobia, if you want to try some out.
You know, that's a really nice offer,
O'Toole, except for I think I'd
rather be jettisoned into the sun.
No, O'Toole, let's hear about.
Ouch, overruled, Theo!
Fine, but if I have to
picture Hudson naked...
It wouldn't be the first time, but still.
So, everyone, you get into
two lines and grab a partner.
And then you just look
into your partner's eyes.
Cute.
So I've done this, like, countless times.
And trust me, always works.
Always.
So what you got to do is you got to lean
into your partner's ear. Just... right now.
And tell them a secret.
Doesn't have to be too big.
Just somethin'.
[eerie music plays]
[inaudible]
You had to choose now to come clean?
I cannot believe you right now.
I told you, Wallace.
I told you.
I said you got to tell
her and not let it simmer.
I told him. You know
I told him this, right?
Yeah. And real effective exercise, O'Toole.
My glossary-phobia is totally fucking gone.
Fuck you. That was not the source of this.
Yeah, I know that, but I mean...
Guys!
Seriously, the yelling, it's not
helping me right now, okay?
- Shut the fuck up.
- No.
Anyways, let's look at the positives, okay?
At least we have the key.
Okay. Yeah, right.
Hudson's right, guys.
We do have those keys.
Wally doesn't have his dignity,
but we have those fucking keys.
Perfect.
Great consolation prize, Wally.
You smarmy little fuck.
You are just fucking
like him, you know that?
You're just like him.
Paige. I'm sorry.
Paige, look, I missed you, that's all.
I just needed to talk to you...
Missed me?
You wanted your fucking film back.
Here's your fucking keys.
Oh, hey...
The pok place.
Is that new?
What is that? Pok...
Is that Hawaiian or Japanese?
By the way, O'Toole,
you got any other awesome morale-boosting
exercises we can do right now?
Yeah, I think I got one.
But it's called shoving
my fist down your throat.
Oh, my fucking god.
Tough crowd.
Can it!
Keep driving, fucker.
What the hell?
If I had to guess, I'd say this
is a really bad start to the heist.
Well, no shit.
I don't know, guys.
I feel weird.
Something's off for sure.
It's called imposter syndrome,
everyone gets it.
I don't feel like this on our shoots.
This isn't a shoot, Rhodes.
It's a fucking heist.
Wait, what? He's here early.
Hudson, that's your cue.
Get to it. Let's go. Right on it.
Quick.
Hey, be safe.
This is a non-union gig, alright?
So if you get maimed or disfigured,
it's on you.
Plus, I need an actor for my new film, so.
Love you, buddy.
Be safe.
Consider this an audition.
You guys are right.
Something does feel off...
You guys ready?
- This is a great idea, Wally.
- Yeah, yeah.
Fuck it. Let's do this.
Whoo!
Nice.
Thank God.
Shit. That's a little bit fast, buddy.
Hey.
Open it. What's going on?
I think the tumblers are just a bit stiff.
- Quick, quick, quick!
- What?
Somebody make a key grip joke.
Before the moment passes. C'mon.
Y'know, something like, oh, it's
a good thing you're a camera op,
because you were never
that good as a key grip.
- No? No?
- The fuck was that?
Okay, the delivery
needs work, I admit that.
Yeah, no shit.
Are you sure that this is the right key?
- Why is this not working?
- Yeah, of course I'm sure,
that's the key that Paige...
Paige...
We're fucked.
What... What do we do?
- Break the window.
- Wait, wait.
I am not breaking the...
Wait! Here.
I haven't picked a lock
since the 9th grade.
I don't even know it was a one time...
Cam, that was oddly specific.
It's a stupid bobby pin.
This isn't going to work.
Hey, hey, hey. What the fuck is this?
Jesus!
I wouldn't do that if I was you, Todd.
How do you know my name?
Well, let's just say
we've been watching you.
And you've been a naughty
little rent-a-cop, now, haven't you?
No, that's not me.
I've never been to a strip club.
That's not you, now?
Could have fooled me.
Also could have fooled Lily Towne,
(250) 802-13...
71?
I think that's her number.
I understand. What do you want?
How about you strut along
to that surveillance room and
show me what you're working with?
Jesus fuck!
Jesus. Fuck.
No, no, no. Jesus.
No. No.
No... No. Jesus.
This is unscrupulous.
I know, I know.
But it's better than being
bound and gagged, isn't it?
Let me in there.
Hey, hey.
Don't even think about it.
You think I'm the only
one that has that video?
Todd, we've got five copies each.
It's on the cloud.
Stay put.
Kid.
You alright?
What's that?
I'm okay.
I'm fine.
You're going to be okay?
Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
Just relax. Relax.
We're going to take care of this, okay?
Ah, shit!
- Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah.
- Don't have to take you to the hospital?
- No.
My parents don't know
that I snuck out, so...
Let's just keep this between
us, okay? This never happened.
- Okay?
- Okay.
You got it.
- You're okay, right?
- Yeah.
- Thanks, man.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- You're good.
I'm good.
Fucking A.
That was the best audition I've ever had!
Don't mess with a man's relationship, boy!
Last time I picked that, that
was just a simple padlock.
And that only took me,
like, what, ten minutes?
You got plenty of time, buddy.
This geriatric guard is hardly even moving.
Just get to it.
I'm going to need you to pull up the phone.
What's the ETA on Mr. Magoo?
Shit.
- What?
- That's strange.
He hasn't moved at all.
Maybe he's sundowning.
Oh, shit.
It's a fucking freeze frame.
- What?
- Freeze frame?
- What'd he say?
- Wally what's going on?
What?
Quick! O'Toole, Theo, distract the old bag.
The guard set us up.
C'mon, haven't you done this before?
You just had to do it, huh?
Just had to do it.
Here I am, trying to play Mr. Nice Guy,
and you just had to fucking do it.
First strike, asshole.
Just follow my lead, okay?
Dude. I told you that guy was no good.
Hey.
What are you kids doin'?
Jesus Christ. We just cannot
catch a fucking break today.
Showbiz.
Not for us.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah. We'll vacate this premises.
- Very sorry.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, did you say show business?
Why yes, we did.
More like, no-show business. Come on.
Yeah, well we had this
three-man improvising
gig planned, and, well, our
third man kind of bailed on us.
So, as you can imagine,
it's been a pretty rough day.
But you know what?
We don't want to take
up any more of your time.
We'll get out of your hair.
Have a good night. Okay?
No, no, wait!
Sounds crazy, but I happen
to be an improviser myself.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- That's a crazy coincidence.
- Yeah.
Could I audition to be your third guy?
Really? Would you?
That would be incredible.
But, like, wait... No.
The gig is tomorrow night.
We're going to be out all day.
I don't know when we'd have
time to audition you, man, I'm sorry.
- He speaks the truth.
- Yeah. Next time?
Right here.
I can audition right now.
- You would?
- Really?
Yeah, screw them.
Yeah, sure.
We'd love to see you audition for us. Yeah.
Great. You guys won't regret this.
Okay, I'll take suggestions
from the audience.
Now, an object and a place.
Pick me.
Right here.
- Me. Pick me.
- No... Pick me.
Not him.
What the hell is he saying to them?
I need concentration, Ro.
It went great!
- You sure?
- Yeah.
He hit me, and I went flying.
And then, like, the blood
sprayed everywhere,
I hit the ground.
And I may have hurt my arm
because I can't articulate my fingers,
but it so went great!
Stop. I need concentration.
I told you, Dr. McBethenstein,
hijacking the Apollo 11
rocket was a terrible idea!
Bad idea? Boy,
I'm about to save the human race.
That doesn't sound like a moon dragon.
That sounds like a moon...
cow or something back there.
Hold on.
- It's coming around.
- Oh, he's mad now.
Um, I've got it.
Guys, I've got it.
You got it? You got it?
Yes, I do.
No!
What are you doing? Stop it.
Frick, stop. We have to go.
The fuck are they doing over there?
- Oh, come on.
- Aw.
I think they made a friend.
Let's go.
Feels really weird being
all alone inside here.
It feels like we're not
even supposed to be here.
Because we're not, dipshit.
Are you calling moi a dipshit?
Wally? I might be allergic to pantyhose.
Hud, can you press the notes for me?
Okay.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...
Yeah? Okay.
Okay.
1-3-4...
7-8-7.
Yep.
We're in.
I told you I'd come back for you.
Daddy's home, Macguffin.
Well, we can admire
the piece of plastic later.
Let's get out.
A final touch. A decoy.
He'll never know we were here.
Sir Roderick, I believe we found our steed.
Yes, I believe so.
Here, horsey. Here, horsey.
- Nice horsey.
- Can we get a horse noise?
This isn't a very believable steed.
For never hath more noble steed yet been
ridden upon the surface of this new planet.
Which henceforth shall be called:
Shmorgonium.
Well said, good sir.
Now mount thy steed.
And a fair mount it is.
Okay, we have never seen
a better improviser than you.
Holy shit.
But we have to be going.
We got to go.
Yeah, but look, we'll be in touch.
Oh, perfect.
Yeah, this is great. Yeah.
Well, the show is tomorrow.
Tomorrow, yeah, we'll let you know.
- But we're on tomorrow for sure.
- Yeah.
Awesome. Thank you so much for your time.
That's great.
Shall we?
The fuck was that? Noble steed?
Well, well, well. Look who it is.
- Oh, there they are!
- Holy shit Wally!
We fucking did it, Wally!
Never underestimate youthful ambition.
You got it?
Of course I got it. Right here.
Fuck, yeah.
What, are we waiting
for Orange Julius to open?
Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Who the fuck is that?
- Hide.
Hide. Hide.
Run?
What are you doing?
Get your own hiding spot!
[muffled screaming]
Are you happy?
Now I need to stay and babysit you.
Hello?
Somebody there?
Show your face.
Hello?
Todd?
Mark?
Anyone in there?
Guys. Guys!
He can see us!
Gotta go.
Fucking piece of shit.
[phones ding]
Fuck you!
C'mon you piece of shit, fucking work!
[phones ding]
Sorry.
You're not in frame, Rhodes.
You never are.
[walkie-talkie sounds]
You're losing your fucking mind.
Paranoid much, Warren?
Well, if those brats did break in,
they sure as shit didn't make it this far.
Dipshits.
Oh, my god. Come quick.
Some kids are painting anarchist symbols
outside of McDonalds.
Corn syrup.
[sneeze]
You fucking film brats!
No fucking way.
Little wannabe Spielberg.
Fucking bitches.
Come back here!
I'll get you, shithead actor.
Actor?
Come back here!
Does this keep going or what?
Just keep going. I don't know.
Wally get out of here. Go, get to the car!
- Go, go, go.
- Hurry up!
- Fuck, Cam.
- Oh shit.
Is he okay?
- Cam, c'mon, get up.
- Dude, are you alright?
- Pick him up.
- One step at a time.
Let's move you fuckin' pussy, let's go.
This is my driving foot, I'm no good.
You okay, buddy?
Get in the car, quick. Come on.
Quick.
- Where's he going?
- Wally?
Wally. Get back.
- Where are you...
- Wally!
I owe you big time, Rainer.
Yeah, the Ross kid.
The one I told you about.
And we'll just keep this
second-duty duty to ourselves, okay?
Alright.
Oh, look.
I see the piece of shit now.
I know it was you, Wally.
Nobody else would do something so stupid.
Look, guys, I'll be right back, okay?
I just got to talk to Warren real quick...
- We gotta go now.
- This guy hates you.
Just back this up for me, will you?
Dude, we don't have
fucking time for this...
You are not supposed to be having
any business conversations, without me,
your producer. Now, get in the car.
You were never anything more
than a glorified chauffeur, okay?
No fucking time for jokes, Wally.
So it looks like there's only one other
driver in this car that
has their license...
No, no, we do not. My car, my rules!
Calm the fuck down, relax.
He is not driving. Do not let him...
Do not let him get in that car.
Yeah!
Fine, my ankle's good...
It's our old stunt driver
from Freewheelin' 1 and 2.
You're looking right at
him. He's gonna do great.
Who crashed the car both times.
What is your point?
They were stunts.
Those were unplanned stunts!
It counts. I'm counting it.
- You almost fucking killed us!
- We don't have a choice.
- You know I love you guys, right?
- Fuck Warren, let's get out of here.
[inaudible]
Real sweet, Wally. Get in.
See you soon.
Warren.
Warren, look. I get it, okay?
I get you're mad.
We broke in we shouldn't have.
You're a fucking psycho.
Sick, Warren.
Fucking asshole.
Hope security tases you to death.
Okay...
Slow down.
Slow down!
My car, my rules.
I said slow down.
You know, it's not my fault
that your car goes this fast.
Hud. Normally I'm all for this,
man, but the speed limit is 50.
The speed limit...
Can suck a dick.
- This is really fun, guys.
- Hud. Hud!
- Warren called the cops.
- I know.
So we have to get there
before the cops take the SD card,
and we have to get it uploaded.
Otherwise we're in deep
shit, and it's a major setback.
You know what else is
a real fucking setback?
Dying in a fiery car wreck.
I'll stop at a red light for you guys.
Are you happy?
But the second that it goes
green, we're going again.
See? There we go.
Punch it... okay.
Where are you going?
Where are you going, buddy?
Huh?
Whoa, where are you going now, huh?
Where'd you get a limp like that, huh?
Sucking cock?
Fuck you!
I'll go check.
Yeah, yeah. Make
sure he's not at the door.
You guys good? Cam and Rhodes?
Yep, we got him. Go check it out.
Looks like he's still
in the car. We're good.
Rhodes, can you take him?
Yeah, absolutely.
Get up, Wally.
Bitch.
Where are you going, there, buddy?
Limping like a little bitch.
Where ya' going, big guy?
Great driving, man.
Just give me a minute.
Can you guys just back off for a second?
You got this, buddy.
You got this.
It's going to be eight minutes.
That's fine.
We can do that.
Shit.
Guys, he's coming to the door!
[door knocks]
- Officer Rainer.
- Can I help you?
You Wallace Ross?
Wally? No, he's my roommate.
Is he home?
I don't think so.
I mean, maybe, but
we don't talk that often.
You know how roommates are.
Mhm.
Were you at Sanford Mall earlier today?
No, sir.
Sleeping.
You're wearing shoes.
Good eye, gumshoe.
These are my slippers.
Tile floors get real cold at night and...
I have sensitive feet.
Alright.
You mind if I come in
and take a look around?
I've seen enough vampire
movies to know not to invite you in.
Hm.
You're a big movie buff, eh?
This is for breaking my
little girl's heart, you fuck...
That all you got?
Got your key.
Sorry, but you're not allowed in.
I can arrest you, and
give you criminal record.
Fuck your life up.
Is that what you want?
Well, let me tell you something.
There's only one goddamn instance
where you can bust in without a warrant,
and that is during a high speed pursuit, or
to protect someone from criminal activity.
And motherfucker, this case is neither
Jack.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Move.
Holy fuck.
Look what you've done.
He's a kid, you fucking psycho.
Don't you patronize me.
He's old enough to know
what's right and wrong.
It's crime and punishment.
Big Dostoevsky fan, huh?
Let's just get you out of here, Wal.
Come on. Come on.
I don't belong in this mall.
Sweetie, don't get tangled up in this.
You'll get arrested as an accomplice.
You gonna act like you care now, huh, dad?
I mean it.
Fuck off, Warren.
Get fucked Warren!
Fuck you. Piece of shit.
Paige.
Paige!
Paige!
Actually, can I get you a drink?
Something like that?
It's uh... It's Rainer, right?
Yeah.
If you're looking for Wally's
room, it's down the hall.
Which room?
All the way to the end.
How long, guys?
Get out of this room.
Things just backing away from it.
Hey, hey.
Hey. Don't fall asleep yet, Little Steven.
You probably have a concussion.
Little Steven.
You're such a dumb-ass.
You sound like your dad when you say that.
Your lip's split too, Wal.
Is that Duane Jones?
Where are we?
The theater in Sanford.
Aw, sweetie.
You paid.
You shouldn't have.
Just keep talking, Wal.
Tell me about the night. Hey.
Tell me about the night.
Somebody start explaining...
Now.
What's going on here, guys?
Well, what kind of name is Rainer, anyways?
What?
It must be pretty common, right?
Because the other day I
was reading this article
about another cop named...
Rainer.
Yeah, that's right.
And apparently, like a few months ago,
got caught while on the job,
being a little, um...
Unnecessary.
He didn't know he was being filmed.
The video made it back to the RCMP.
And let's just say his career is
not looking too stable right now.
The fuck are you talking...
There's actually some very funny parallels
between you and this other guy.
Because here you are, Rainer,
right now, and you've just
walked into a house that has...
More running camera
equipment than the entire...
Police department.
We wouldn't want another well-documented
incident, now would we, Rainer?
You know, seeing as you
came here on unofficial orders,
I imagine you'd have no
problem leaving the same.
Alright.
[oink sound]
Hey, Wal.
Keep your eyes open.
Talk to me.
Did you guys get your film back?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Cam has it.
Good.
You know what would
be really fucking funny?
What?
If the film just, like,
sucked a big bag of dicks.
After everything we've been through.
Don't think about that Wal.
I'm not.
I'm not worried anymore.
Maybe it's because I got my head kicked in,
but I'm happy.
Happy about the memories, the people.
I'm glad you're not worried.
What the fuck are you doing here, huh?
Because you have a lot more
things to be worried about right now.
Real life things.
Like jail.
Dad, don't make things
worse than they already are.
Not here to fight, if that's what you mean.
I wouldn't want to be you right now, Wally.
I bet you would.
I think you're dying to start again.
Y'know,
I used to call him an old bag.
But I was wrong.
So wrong.
An old bag floats around,
has some air in it, some life.
I get it, alright?
I got beat so bad I started
thinking like you, Warren.
You see yourself in me.
You don't want me to
waste your daughter's life
like you did to your wife, right?
It makes sense.
So, in a way, I look up to you.
Because I wouldn't have
made it as far as you did.
I hear you.
You'd be surprised.
I used to say that all the time.
Sweetie.
You can come with me to the
police station if you want to.
RCMP.
Which one of you is Wallace Ross?
I'm taking you into custody.
You're being charged
with property theft...
[high frequency ringing]
One year?
A whole year.
Fuck me, that sucks.
Yeah. A whole year of
buying Wally groceries.
Okay, I have to spend the next year
being Wally's personal videographer.
I don't even know what that means.
Fuck me, that really sucks.
The judge let me off too easy, though.
At least that's what she said.
She was very sympathetic with
the whole struggling artist thing.
Truth be told...
I think she just wanted me.
Full transparency, though,
I would let her have it.
Double full transparency.
Judge was just a dude in a powdered wig.
But still pretty hot, though.
- You into that, Theo?
- Who isn't?
Can we get this showing on the road?
I may not have mentioned it, but,
I have a date at 05:00 tonight, so, uh...
You may not have mentioned it.
You brought it up every minute and a half.
Semantics.
Let me guess...
Food court chick?
- Yeah!
- That's my guy.
- No way you're not paying her.
- This thing is a magnet.
- I believe it.
- Maybe it'll happen this time.
Maybe.
Alright.
Let's get this baby started.
[phone rings]
Man...
Theater etiquette!
Dude.
I never get calls.
That's true, yeah, it's
usually just Paige calling
- to get mad at him.
- Hello?
Yep, this is Wallace Ross.
In the flesh.
Oh, Nick.
Nick from Lighthouse Theaters.
Tomorrow?
Okay. Absolutely.
Yeah, it would have to be...
No, it can't be in person.
It has to be online.
Looks like I don't need
to say anything else.
You already know everything.
Awesome.
Okay, perfect. I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye bye.
Let's get it back on the road.
[shouting]
That was Nick from Lighthouse Theaters.
They are going to screen our
movie for a week of the summer.
- For real?
- That's great!
Bro, holy fuck. That's like a real theater.
That's where I'm going for my date tonight.
I know. I guess they saw the news,
saw all the commotion,
and wanted to see what it's all about.
That's great.
All publicity is good publicity, I guess.
Who says crime doesn't pay?
Let's do it.
Yeah, lets just get it back...
I love you, Jack.
Please tell me you love me.
I love you. Why else would I do this.
You recognize that?
- You're so good.
- I know.
I said believe me he'll try.
I think I might be
losing signal. I might...
I've known a lot of thieves in my past.
You were the only one
that could steal my heart.
And you mine.
But this can only end up hurting us both.
It's a bloody game.
Heists?
I meant love.
I think it's high time we go
our separate ways. Besides,
Sergeant Jones is waiting to speak to me.
Well, all the best.
I'll see you around.
Or I'll see you in hell.
Whichever comes first.
Wow.
Oh, my god.
[excited chatter]
And O'Toole, oh my god.
Thank you, thank you.
I can't believe you did that.
I thought you were pompous.
Turns out you're just talented.
Method acting? Totally paid off.
Thank you, guys.
See you soon.
Good stuff, Wal.
You're going places.
Not really.
I mean, I got this thing on my ankle.
The only place I'm going is my house.
Maybe to the washroom.
Which is in your house. Yeah.
Most of the times. You'd be surprised.
But honestly, I think I'm gonna just
sit and sleep for like two months
and just hibernate like a fucking bear.
I like the new ending, by the way.
Write what you know, I guess?
I mean, oldest trick in the book, right?
Work with what you have. And, uh...
Our five viewers will be very
happy when they get to the end.
- Yeah, that's enough of that.
- A little too much.
- Lip's looks looking good.
- Is it?
It's a bloody game, you know.
What? Making films?
No.
I meant love.
Alright. Get the hell out of here.
I'll see you around...
Or I'll see you in hell.
Whichever one comes first.
Probably hell.
Hopefully around.
I need some groceries, y'know.
My fat cousin, Hudson,
he's been on the prowl.
That was me, too.
Can you grab me some
chicken breast from the store?
Some peas? Some grapes?
Chicken pot pie?