A Walk in the Park (2022) Movie Script
1
[ Artists Digital Lab ]
[ Marquito Productions ]
[ Intro Credits ]
[ Music by: NOTWOLFY ]
( chill hip-hop beat )
[ music fades off ]
( snore sounds )
( glimmer chimes)
( unzipping pants )
( urinating )
[ choking ]
Nate: Is this urine?! Taste like urine..
Homeless Man: Yea...take it good.
That's what you get for ruining
everything motherfucker.
I got business bro! I gotta go!
[ Frisbee hit ]
If you're not careful, you're
going to die today.
Wait...what, what?!
Who are you??? Why was he peeing on me?
What's going on?
(laughs)
Well...uh no. I don't know.
Maybe
I'll literally tried to drink
myself to death last night...
... and I guess that didn't work.
Now, I'm here.
(laughs some more)
Oh my gosh...
it's her.
[ romantic music plays ]
Man, I can believe I've had a crush on
her ever since that Kid Cudi concert.
And Tarantino night a Cinespia
... or that one time we
went to the coffee --
( grasshoppers chripping )
[ romantic music plays again ]
Nate, go talk to her
She's the girl of your dreams
Go talk to her.
[ football smash nuts ]
Owwww!!!!
[ teenagers laughing ]
[ pukes ]
You got him bro!
[ teens laugh at Nate ]
Yo naked dude! It's clear you need some
balls but can we at least have ours back
Don't you know this is a
family friendly park?
He coming. Ew.... what a weirdo.
This guy's a fool
Aww, it's so small. At least
cover your nuts dude.
Do you guys have a phone I can use?
Why? So you can take dick pics?
Why do you want to take dick pics?
To send them to your boyfriend?!
No!!!
I don't have a boyfriend.
Come on please! Let me use your phone!
I'll use that "find my phone" app
so I can find my phone! Please!
I know you guys have phone!
Dude, you're definitely going
to sneak a dick-pic in there
No, I'm not!
You're lucky Iphone's have zoom...
'cuase we'd definitely need it to
see that tiny schlong of yours
More like a microscope
Why are you naked in public?
Why are you here?
Look, to be honestly with you guys...
I really don't know what happened
last night but--
it would be a really nice start if I cou
use your phone so I can find my phone
Please...
( humming happily )
Please guys....I'm desperate.
I know one of you guys
have a phone just...
Please, give me a phone. One of you guys
Please. Please. Give me phone.
Come on guys. Give me a phone.
Gimme phone-phone. Phone-phone a gimme.
Give it to me guys. I'm desperate.
What are you doing with my son?!!!
[ blows whistle ]
Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!!!
His mom's about to beat the
shit out of you dude.
You're fucked dude.
What??
Dude, you better run.
I'm gonna beat that tiny little
thing right off of you!
Get him mom!!!
[ teens laugh ]
I don't care how small that things
is...it's still harassment!!!
[ they all laugh ]
Leave me alone lady!!!
You're going to jail buster!!!
Oh man...
Believe it or not...this isn't even
the worst birthday I've had.
Geez.... look at me.
I couldn't even kill myself last night,
yet somehow I'm living in hell.
You my friend....
... represent my life.
[ whistle blow ]
Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
Ah man....
Later guy who I woke up next to
I won't stop until I have my
hands around your neck!!!
You sicko!!!!
You're crazy!!!! Stop chasing me!
[ gate closes ]
Thank God
I've always heard that you're twenties
is where you find yourself
You know, that deep stuff.
Figure out: who you are
and get a real sense of yourself,
all that stuff.
Well I'm 29 now and I frickin'
hate what I found so far
No wonder I'm depressed
To make matters worse...
I'm hungover and I have no idea
what happened last night
I really don't.
I wish I were dead.
But I can't even seem to do that right
So let's see... I pissed off
a random homeless person
who by the way, peed in my mouth.
and I'm 100% sure there was
alcohol in his urine
Then, I think I made really
good friends with a stoner
or some sort of Hippie. Not sure
what language he speaks
Exposed my testicles in front
of the local teenagers
And lastly --
[ glimmer shine ]
(voice of Byron) Dear Nate...
I know you're going through
a tough time right now
and I can't express how sorry I am
to hear about a good young man
such as yourself, suffering
from despression
and suicidal thoughts...
but if you wanna live here motherfucka..
You're going to need to
pay you're goddam rent!
The rules apply to everybody!
You don't I wont throw you out because
you're acting like some bitch, Nate?!
Peace dawg!
This is me, evicting you!
Oh, and my daughter showed me your
little internet video....
if my dick was that small,
I'd be depressed too.
Pay your motherfucking rent, Nate!!!
Video? What video???
Owww!
This motherfucka Nate. Haha!
Sup? Youngblood?
What's so funny? Why are you laughing?
Is evicting me really that funny?
Nice card by the way.
Nah, it ain't that. It's
your dick youngblood.
Your dick and balls are smaller
in person than it is on camera.
You're shit is so small it probably
make pussy tighter.
What the heck?!
You know what? I feel bad for
evicting you and shit...
I'm going to let you in your apartment.
Really? Why?
That way you can find your dick and mayb
one of your balls, little nigga.
Alright... we'll let me in.
Move over little bitch!
Thanks Byron.
Shut the fuck up.
Yea... yea baby girl.
Yeah, that motherfucka is by the park
Yeah....find my shit or I'm gonna
kill your motherfuckin' ass.
Uh huh....I'm hanging up bitch.
This girl better not be playing
with my money....
If this turns out to be one of those day
I swear I'm gonna kill somebody!
Ok, new day. New start.
You got this Nate.
Lets try and piece together whatever
happened last night.
First things first, where
the heck are my pants?
Knowing me, I probably left
my phone in my pocket
That's so Nate... like I always do.
But if I get my pants, I get my phone.
If I get my phone I can at least find so
evidence of what I did last night
Who is " pillow man " ?
[ glimmer shine ]
No frickin' way!
Woops! Gonna need that.
Just a little bit--
Hi-yaa!!!
Come on....
That's exhausting.
Wow. That guy's weak.
Even I can get those pants down.
Easy now. She's just a young woman.
Haha!
Oh man!
How high is that???
Come on!!!!
Wait a second....
That's him.
Huh?
The guy with the tiny wiener
He's the one.
Yea...the one? Right.
Come on, let's go!
Boss says Nate needs us
now, more than ever.
What? Why?
'Cause! Today is the big day.
Oh right...the big day.
Right.
Come on! You forgot what
we were sent to do.
Didn't you?
Ahhhh!!!!!!!
Ohhh!
Is that how he's going to die?
Not that I know of
Oh yea right. I knew that.
Dude, did you just see that?
That guy with the man-gina just ate
shit falling out of that tree.
Listen Cheech and Dong...
You need to focus more on selling
this shit than smoking it.
Especially since we lost all
of our weed last night.
Focus!
What the fuck?
That's weird...I've never seen
your eyes so open before
it's creeping me out.
I can't understand you.
I can't understand you.
Dude, you're so high that I don't think
you understand that you're mumbling
Oh that's funny...
(party chanting) "Pillow Man! Pillow Man
[ same romantic music plays ]
I don't even have to make a dick
joke. His dick is the joke!
Hey, you guys are the dealers...
Can I get some chronic?
Even though you're like ten
I'd still sell ya weed ...
but unfortunately that pillowcase in tha
video happens to be our weed so no.
Oh word. Could I get your number then?
No!
Come on, let's go stony baloney.
[ suspicious comedy score ]
Can I help you guys?
You really don't have any idea
what going on, do you?
Nope. I don't think I ever really do.
Not you. Him.
Who me?
What are you guys ---
Hey!
Aren't you that kid that told
me I was going to die today?
Uh huh
What do you guys want?
Unless you're here to magically fix
everything's that's happened
or kill me
I don't want to hear it
Actually, we are
Which one? Kill me or fix it?
I don't know I forgot.
It's gotta be around here somehwhere
Aha! Here it is.
Maybe that video that Byron was
talking about is on here
Get that video delete son!
Why?
Because that video could
cost your your life
Uhh... that's a little dramatic
don't you think?
Haha. My life?
Uh huh... I'm going to
go check my voicemails
so if you'll excuse me
I could really use some happy birthday
messages right about now
... you weirdos.
[voicemail] : You have 2 new voicemails
Press #1 to hear your messages
You pressed #1. Do you really
want to hear you messages.
Yes. That's why I pressed #1
Are you sure? They are not good.
What the -- ?
Yes! Why am I even talking to you?
You're just a product of Apple.
You use our technology every moment
of the day. So technically...
..so are you.
Just please play me my messages, okay.
That's all I'm asking for.
Fine but I just have to say...
that after hearing your messages....
you're life sounds terrible
I know! I know, okay!
Just play me my messages. Please.
Here, you go. First, message:
Hello, Mr. Childress, my
name is Richard Taker.
Dick Taker?
I'm heading the new management
team at Centrix ...
..and we're not gonna need you anymore.
In fact, never knew why we needed you
in the first place, to be honest.
A machine by a retard could do your job
When I asked around the office
so I should keep you...
... no one knew who you were.
Sorry, a little harsh
Anywho, take care.
Are you kidding me?
As if my life wasn't bad enough
I'm out of a job
I don't have an apartment
or any shred of dignity
Oh yeah... and my life
is no somehow at stake
Help me out a little bit!
Stupid grass!
[voicemail] : Sorry.
That first one was rough
I know... I know.
And they don't get any better
Are you sure you want
to hear the next one?
Yes! No -- I don't know.
2nd message:
[Big Bro] : Yo!
What's up fuck-face! It's your big bro..
Wanted to wish you a happy
bday 'cause ....
Dad told me how you've been
wanting to kill yourself
and honestly it wouldn't
be that bad of an idea
I mean, bro...
you can't get laid
your job is going nowhere
and -- you're basically already dead
I'm kidding. Kidding.
I love you bro
No homo
... homo
[voicemail]: End of messages.
My brother was right on every level.
It's my birthday and I'm spending it
outside of the apartment that I don't ow
with the friends that I don't have
Man, this is - this is terrible
My life is terrible
It's not like... I still wanna kill myse
but at this point, I feel like dying
would be a relief
What's up cry-baby?
[ same love medley comes on ]
[ love medley plays on ]
Ow!
Hahaha!
Sorry dude.
It's okay. You know...
...the day I've been having
so far it all make sense.
Picking up this trash. Gonna
drink some beer...
I literally woke up to that
guy taking a piss on me
Doo-doo!
That guy have been lurking around all da
I can't tell if he's a
crazy vegan hipster or
some gross homeless dude
( gibberish )
Hey hey, what's up brother?
Oh hi. I never got to thank you
for peeing on me this morning.
Oh anytime brother. I live to serve.
Lookie here, any ya'll have
couple dollars to spare ?
I'll give you $10 if you pee on him agai
What the --?
That's a deal.
I uh ---
Come on, money please
Fine! Whatever. I can't
believe I'm doing this.
Just whatever I give you use
it for food, alright?
I don't wanna enable your drug habit
Drug habits!!!
You think I go on drugs just
because I'm black ?
No. No. I never said that.
I'm not one of those people
So whatcha mean by those people?
I'm just trying to help
You just wanna help me?
You trying to help me??
You can't even help yourself,
half naked running around
the park with a little wiener
Dick so small, you can piss on your ball
You better A-E-I-O- See U out of here!
Trying to help me?
I'm the only one that can help me.
Trying to help somebody. Ha! I
don't know why she's with him?
She's too cute to be with him.
Pssst!
Ow... . whoa!
I feel weird
What the fuck?
That's the first time I've ever
been able to to understand you.
I know!!! Haha!
That's great. Okay, well..
this guy has our weed and
I'm trying to get it back
Oh dude, well if he has our weed:
Hey man! Can we --
Shhh!
[ slap ]
Uhhh....
everything okay over there?
Nothing! We're fine.
I think he's trying to tell
us something but ----
I don't know.
I really can't make out what he's saying
He's fine. He's feeling great
He's just leaving
Bye. Bye. Bye. See you.
Bye.
Uhh... I'm glad that wasn't weird at all
Well look....
Can a baller get a couple
dollars over here?
Hello.
Here man. There should
be like 5 in there...
go get yourself a nice warm burrito
I'm sorry for calling you an addict
It's all good. Thanks for
the crack money dumbass
Oh come on man, I though you were my n-
Don't you dare say that word
I was going to say "New Friend"
that's even worse!
You think I'd be friends with a
pansies-ass panty-waste like you?
Ha! Walking around in pink
shorts..... [fades off]
(singing): I'm in the money!
I'm in the money!
To get me my crackie.
Well, I officially got outsmarted
and assaulted by a crackhead
Can't say I'm surprise with
the luck I've been having
Well if it makes you feel any better dud
that's the funny shit I've ever seen
Ever since I started seeing her...
[other voice]: You mean staking her!
-Nooooo
As I was saying...
even without saying a word to her I knew
she was the perfect girls for me
And I know what your thinking --
-Man! You just wanna plow that ass
-No. No!
It's not that --
-Oh okay. I got it, so you
don't wanna fuck her?
-Well, I mean I do, but -- Hey!
...will you just let me finish for once?
-Haha. That's what she said.
You're weird as fuck dude.
I dig it. I'm Cameron
I'm Nate.
Owww!
What the heck?!
What was I supposed to do?
Let you rape my tits
I was trying to shake your hand
Oh my bad.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself...I
woke up naked
on that bench right there
with no recollection of what
happened that night before
Oh! and apparently there is some video
flying around of me on the internet
Oh I saw that, it's embarrassing as fuck
You saw it?
Yea... it's like this small
I was talking about the video
Right. I was as well.
You don't have to follow me, ya know?
You should probably just...
leave me alone.
So.... about the pillowcase in that vide
I can't do this anymore.
My life is terrible!
It's just so hard being alive
you know. I hate it!
I'm sure your life is fine.
My own brother told me
I should kill myself
Oh well -- yea that's bad
So about this pillowcase....
Huh?
What about that pillowcase?
You, me. The park. My pillowcase.
You mean...like, like...
... a date?
Uh. Um, no. What?
Oh you know...something like...
chill...and casual, you know?
Man, this is gonna suck.
But I do need my weed back
What's worse? Boss man killing me or...
spending an entire day with
this pathetic meat flap
Fuck it. Let's do it.
I know you can help me find my pillowcas
Nate. You're so smart.
Well.... okay
Wait.... there's...
something weird about this
You've never been this nice
to me. What's going on?
Uh, nothing. No. There's nothing
illegal in the pillowcase
There's nothing weird. I .... I....
Who said anything about it being illegal
No you can't!
Whoa!!!
Look!
You're friend!
He just got dragged into the
bush by a homeless man
I'm not surprised
You know how high that
kid is all the time ?
I'm mean I literally watched
him bake a cake
I'm mean, that's pretty normal
He was using glue as the frosting!
I seriously think he was taken,
maybe we should call the cops
No! Don't call the cops!
Don't worry about him. He's fine.
Don't worry about my friend
So you wanna tell me why you were uh....
rocking out with your cock
out in that video?
Na uh.
Come on! Tell me
Na uh.
Come on, I'm literally bored as
shit, I'll just keep asking you
No! It's embarrassing
Tell me!
Not gonna happen
Come on tell me, I wanna know!
No!!!
Tell me!!!!
No!!!!!
TELL ME BITCH!!!
Yeah, just tell her already.
Seriously, who are you guys
and what do you want?
Don't worry about who we are
I don't know even know who I am
Then why have you been
following me around all day?
We are here to help you
And what is that supposed to mean?
I said don't worry about it!!!
I remember, I'm supposed
to tell you something
Hello?
Hello?! Yo!!
Come on!!!
Hello?
Hello! Wake up old fuck
Do you remember what he's
trying to tell us?
Yep.
And are you going to tell us?
Nope
It's way funnier this way
I don't wanna die! What will
be funnier this way?
You'll see
Come on. He's not quite ready yet
Where are you guys going?!!!
I'm ready. I'm ready.
I think I'm ready.
Hey come back....trust me...
Is it just me or was that really weird
Do you know what he was going to say?
Chill out dude
Excuse me?
My life is falling apart in front of
my eyes and you want me to chill?
Yep. Pretty much. I know just what'll he
Smoke this.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not going to help. I promise you
I can't. I wont.
No. I'm not gonna hit that.
Seriously dude? You're
going to be like that?
Stop being such a pussy
This is the last of my stash I'm
trying o be nice, for once
No. I don't want to smoke it
You're literally a high
speed tampon tunnel
just fucking smoke it!
I'm not a highway --- speed, whatever!
I'm not.
Let me ask you something and be honest
How has your life turned out
so far by NOT smoking weed?
Dang it. She's right.
Wait! That doesn't mean that suddenly
things are going to be better
because I'm high
Wait, isn't that the point
of getting high?
Gosh...this is so confusing
So you're going to hit
this or what my dude?
She called me "her dude"?
That's so cool!!!!
How can I possibly say "no" to her?
I'm her "dude"
Wait Cameron!
I don't know what it is about her?
But she's everything I'm not
She's exactly what I need my entire life
And this is my chance to be,
not the wimp I always am
This is the chance to
change my crappy life
Just smoke the damn thing Nate
And tell her... tell her how you feel
This. Is. Your. Moment ---
I uh--- yeah.. fine
screw it
I'll give it a try
First time, I see
What gave it away...the coughing?
No. Pretty much just everything about yo
I got it. I got it.
Are you gonna pass that shit or what?
And totally unrelated do you
have any recollection
of where you put that pillowcase?
Are you good dude?
Damn dude, you're dope
cherry is popping hard
I swear my shit's not laced
Seriously ?
I have to have a frickin'
seizure five minutes
into my first date with
the love of my life
Really Nate? That's what you're doing
Are you good dude?
Come on dude! Snap out of it!
What the??? Why are you smiling?
He's going straight towards that shit
Come on, snap out of it dude!
Oh my god, no!
Is that a boner?
Ewww!
Oh my God, it is a fucking boner!
Or is it? Seriously, I can't tell.
Nate ...
Nate ...
Hello! Are you okay?
Nate! Hello!
Little pecker boy. Earth to baby dick.
Come on little pincho, let's go!
That rock could've killed
Whoa!
Am I still dreaming?
First time getting your rocks off?
'Cause the rocks.
You saved my life
Ew. You are hard.
Oh shit. This is too easy. If
I tell him I saved his life
he'll definitely have to
find my weed for me
I don't know how to thank you
Oh, I do.
Really, anything . I'll do it.
About that pillowcase?
[ bushes sound ]
Come on man! We gave you money
already. Now what do you want?
I saw you over here shaking
with a little hard on
I heard some yelling and shit
I wanna make sure you alright
Yah, I'm fine.
Wait, don't you remember
what you saw earlier
Oh yeah...
Hey... you dragged her
friend into the bush
You know where my dealer
is --- ah, I mean friend
You know where he went, do you?
Your friend? He went into...like a bush
aka my summer home, thank you very much
And I just figure... since
you live in a bush
Look, let me tell you something:
I don't know nothing else, look
I just came over here because he was
shaking his shit with a little hard on
that's all I know, don't ask me stuff
Wait! Why do you give a fuck about
Nate? No one cares about Nate
I just came here because he gave me some
crack money, i figure he's nice
You know, tit for tat, tit for tat
You're getting pretty fucking defensive
Why don't you tell me where my dealer is
Dealer????
Friend. Damn it. Friend.
You know...you bet -- I gotta go
See ya!
Where are you going, you have no where
to go! You're a homeless man.
I'm like Flash. Crack Flash.
That was pretty low
You probably should apologize
Apologize?! Why should I apologize?
[running still]
Maybe we can still catch him?
Wee!!!!
Or not.
I'm sorry, I understand you have
to find your pillowcase
No, you don't understand Nate!
I can tell from knowing you for
like 20 minutes that you
don't see things for what they are
You stand around all worhtless and
ignorant, like Rosie O'Donnell's vagina
I don't need your help.
I can find it myself
Wait....
What?
Nothing.
Nevermind.
Okay??
Not so fast sister!
The hell you want rugrat?
Ah!!!
I wouldn't try anything
crazy if I were you?
Oh yea, and why is that?
Because there's a cop in the
park but you can't see him
-What? -So?
He's right
Oh yea? A cop? Then who is it then?
Oh my gosh!!! You're a Narc
I knew it! You're way to lame to be norm
-It's not ---
-I'm not a cop!
Yeah. You are! I may be
high but I'm no dumb
What?
What would a cop wanna do with
a stupid pillowcase anyway?
Well this has been fun. Let's
go, enough for now.
Don't worry Nate. This
is al part of the plan
What plan? Tell me the plan!
So is this it, to arrest me?
Becuase you were too afraid to
do it before, pussy-police man
No!!!
What a birthday...
Oh, I'm sure that's your
whole cover story.
An innocent little birthday
boy undercover Narc
I can't believe I'm in love wit you
considering how mean you are
Ha! You're in love with me?
I just called you a whinny little bitch
Oh! And I forgot to tell you. She's
only using you by the way.
Using me?
What could she be using me for?
You'll see.
So I'm stuck with an undercover
cop who's in live whit me?
I wish I could say this is the
first time this is happened
What the fuck are you laughing at?
Oh you were serious...
Wait , this is really happened
to you before?
Yeah, a lot of weird shit has happen to
Abusive boyfriend, absent father,
you don't see me crying about it
I didn't know all that happened to you
Wait, if you're not a Narc, finish this
the entire thing
No way! Last time I did that I almost di
It's just a joint
You're not going to die, I know. I sell
What were you going to say?
Nothing
No! Right there-- I know!
You said - I knew ....
right there, you said
No.
You would know because you sell ....?
Stop interrogating me Narc!
I'm not. I'm not a Narc!
Hold up a second...
why is it such a big deal if I was a cop
Because....
I guess I should come clean now...
The whole reason why I have this
pillowcase is because --
[ bushes sounds ]
[ radio static ]
Did you hear that?
It came from over there
[ radio static ]
What the hell was that?
I don't know but it came from that bush
What is it with bushes these days?
Eh? Everyone shaving them.
No?
Ow!!
Urg! What the hell is that smell?
I knew I smelled half
digested Chipotle....
... what the hell are you doing dude?
I was uh - uh--
Where you masturbating in the bush?
Uh... yea!!
Actually, I was jerking it!
Man, I was getting it on!
Shit. Ain't no big deal
More room after this.
It's afternoon delight time
That's why you have the creepy
little smirk on your face
Then what was that noise?
Well - it- it was porn!
Really? Because I never heard
porn sound like that before
Oh yea... cause you're the expert on por
Hey dawg! Crackheads are into
some freaky ass shit
you don't know nothing about
Well then go weirdly masturbate
somehwere man!
No, bad crackhead!
Git! Git!
No! Get out of there!
Go!
Wait! What about your friend?
He never told us about that!
Yea, what did you do with my dealer ---
ahh...I mean friend.
Catch me if you can!!!
Can't forget my beer bottle
I know some bad people that can
do some bad things to you!
Hey, we're back!
I hate to ruin the moment but
I got some more news for you
We already have enough
news to work here brat
but thanks
I'm sick of all of this!
Whatever you have to say, just say it!
Ummm....
Maybe it's a clue or something
A clue? This isn't a game Nate
We need to find the pillowcase before
the cop does or else ---
Wait, Why does it matter if the cops
find the stupid pillowcase anyways?
I'm waiting....
you guys want to hear what
I have to say or not?
-Yes! -No!
Where am I? What happened?
Who pulled the catheter out?
Oh you!
I know wher you put that
Poke-GAY-Man pillowcase
Where the fuck is it, Old Man?!
Tell me!
Yeah, where is that shit?
Are you two gonna tell me or no?
It's simple, you have two options...
...you can tell me what
you know or you can die
Yeah, 'cause you're really
the one in charge here
I'd say so considering I can
twist your twerpy ass neck
Look! We've all had a long day
... why don't you just tell
us where it is, okay?
'Cause I want you to find it, not her!
Why? It's hers!
Not if she can't find it
Where the fuck is my pillowcase
snot-nose mistake?
I don't know where it is....
He does.
I- I - seem to remember...
I can't ---
I can't recall what ---
where it is...
I just can't seem to remember
Uhh... does that mean you don't
know where it is Old Man
Whoa! Whoa!!! Okay...
Let's just calm down, okay
People are starting to stare
Whatever! I don't give a fuck dude.
...if they aren't going to tell
me where my pillow case is...
I don't need them. And I don't need you!
Wait...what?
You really don't understand that I've be
using you to get to my pillowcase
Well, I though that we were --
"We" .... aren't shit Nate.
Not only are you depressing as fuck but
you're too stupid to know I'm using you
to find my pillowcase
Oh my God! I gotta go!
That stupid ass little short
and a polk-a-dot tshirt ...
Who wear bow ties anymore?
Wow. This is awkward...
Looks like we did our job here
It's your fucking birthday dude...
go do something fun like...
I don't know... kill yourself.
Haha!! And I thought I was
roasting millimeter Peter
Haha! Good job boo
What's up little dick motherfucka?
Okay, seriously...how do you
guys know each other?
You still ain't found that shit yet?
Uhh... no?
Come on baby girl...you konw that my shi
If you don't figure this
out I will kill you.
Seriously!!! What the heck
is going on here?
If this was so important,
how did I end up with it?
Hold up... not so Magic Mike has a point
How did he get that shit?
So this motherfucka, done stole our shit
Whoa! "Our" shit?
Cameron...how do you know my landlord?
This beautiful bitch is my daughter
And you just called your own
daughter a little bitch?
Hell yea I did!
But she' not even black?
She's not my real daughter
Right, like I was supposed to --
Don't back talk me baby-dick
She metaphorically speaking my daughter.
...we done did business together for yea
Oh... my.... gosh....
I knew it!
I knew it! This whole time I didn't
want to believe it but ...
What?! What the fuck?
You knew what I do this whole time?
Well yea....I mean, I didn't
think it was true but ...
Yea...
...you're a prostitute.
I'm no hoe.
I may be a lot of things but
I'm not a fucking hooker
...and even if I were I wouldn't
be interested in you.
Really?
Have I not made it clear to you Nate...
... that I don't give a fuck about you
But... but you saved my life
About that.... I didn't.
But you pushed me out of the way
No.
But you took credit for
it when I thank you
I know!
I taught her everything she knows baby!
I can't believe you guys
You know what...
Maybe I will go kill myself...
.. and put an end to this
whole stupid day.
Good luck! Hope you actually
succeed this time
Or maybe... maybe I'll find that
pillowcase before you guys...
... and never give it back to you!
That's right!
Kiss this little wiener goodbye!
Owww! That hurt.
Let's try this again.
Stop chasing me!!!
I don't need you guys in my life!
I'm never gonna give back that pillowcas
You don't even know where you going!!!!
Hpld up you crazy ass white folks!
Whatcha you think this is....
.. a marathon?!!!
My kidneys 'bout to explode out this bit
You got me chasing this guy around
in my motherfuckin' dress shoes?
So you been out here fucking up all day?
Uh huh....
So why the fuck are you still
standing here then??
You better figure this shit out and
find my motherfuckin' pillowcase
.... or you're going to meet
this long cold hard ---
Please don't make me suck
your dick....please! No!
Don't make me suck your dick! Please....
What?!!! Bitch, I don't want no
motherfuckin' head from you !!!
I'm talking about my gun!
You better get this shit right.
I don't know which is worse.....oh God
Silly bitch.
Where the heck did I put this pillowcase
Okay... what would I be doing if I was
running around naked in a park,
blacked out ---
[ ring ring ]
Hello...
[Big Bro] : Sup fag...
Nice. Always good to hear from my big br
How's your asshole little bro?
Sore? Loose?
Do you have to wear a diapers
from all the butt-sex?
Do you even have control over your
bowel movements anymore??? Haha!
I'd take it you haven't killed
yourself yet, am I right?
Uh.. yeah. No, not yet.
Pshhh....weak
So what have you been doing today?
Trying to look for this little kid...
That's not creepy at all
No it's not like that....
... he has my pillowcase.
That didn't make it any less
weird, what the fuck?
Look, it's a complicated
situation alright?
After I got evicted this morning --
Ouch!
Yea... anyways...
After I got evicted, this old man
and this kid came up to me ...
... telling me this weird
and random information
Oh! And I talked to the girl I've
liked in like forever...
... now I have to find her pillowcase
before she does.
Why?
What do you mean why?
The pillowcase doesn't even matter...
Bro...
... you're life is still going
to be shitty anyways
Well...what if it has a
whole bunch of money?
So what if it does... you wont have
anyone to spend the money with
You've never had girlfriend.
And mom died last year...
...and she was like your
only friend, ever.
Wow man...
... you're the best.
No problem bro
I figured if you hadn't
killed yourself yet,
you needed a little dose of reality
... little motivation
Yea...
[ hahaha ]
You're going to die today
I don't care how small that things
is... it's still harassment
That's even worse!
You think I'd be friends with a little
pansies-ass panty waste like you?
It's like this small
You're in love with me, I just called
you a whinny little bitch
Have I not made it clear Nate, that
I don't give a fuck about you
You're right man... yo'ure
absolutely right.
Facts bro. Facts. Big facts.
I cant' believe I let myself believe
that any of this mattered.
Haha. Come on Nate...
Nate, I'm just fucking with you ! Don't
actually do anything you dumb-ass....
Nate, are you there?
Nate pick up the phone!!!
Don't actually do it dumb-ass!
Nate!!! Nate!!!
Why am I so worthless?
I miss you Mom....
[ branch breaks ]
Oh oh!!! Is he doing what
I think he's doing?
I think so...
You youngsters and you're crazy
ways of masterbating
Back in my day, all we had to do was ---
He's going to freaking kill himself!!
Who??
Him!
What?
Our guy!
What guy??
Nate!
Nick?
Nate!!!
Nick???
We have to do something! Quick!
Nick who?
Good thing we ain't looking
for Nate's dick....
.... we'd never find that shit
What the fuck you smiling for?
You don't smile unless I say
you can motherfucking smile
Matter of fact, you can smile
when you find my shit
You know how much that motherfucking
pillowcase was worth?
Yea... I know I can pay like
5 months rent with it
Why the fuck did you lose it then?
I didn't lose it , it got stolen!
You allowed it to get stolen! Boom Bitch
It's your motherfucking fault!
I didn't say it was stolen from me?
From who then????
I don't know. Probably that
stoner kid you hire
Who???
The kid that's stoned all the time....
( gibberish )
That motherfucka?
Yeah....
Where is he then?
I don't know...he just disappeared
into some bush
Not where the fuck is he then...where
the fuck is he NOW?
No fucking way....
Bitch how much that shit
have you been smoking?
No , look!
That kid is about to hang himself
He is about to kill himself?
Dope. That's dope as a motherfucker.
No! Not dope.
Even though he's kind of a pussy
he shouldn't hang himself
Bitch what???
I gotta do something! I can't
let him hang himself....
I almost let him die once today already.
I'm not that shitty of a person
Yes, you is.
No....
Not anymore.
Bitch what????
This is it Nate!
This will make everything better
This is your chance to end all
the pain and sufffering
Just jump off this branch...
... and end your crappy life
Wait Nate, don't kill yourself!!!
What are you guys doing here?
I don't know actually
Nate, don't do this! I know your life
is pretty freaking terrible...
... but that doesn't mean
you have to kill yourself
because your wiener
is smaller than mine
Why should I listen to you?
Who even are you guys?
Why are you guys doing this to me?
All you've done is complicate
my entire day!!!
Huh? What do you want little kid? What?
Leave me alone!
I don't --
You say " I don't" one more time...
I swear! I swear I'll jump off!
Calm down pussy
I won't calm down , okay!
My life is filled with anxiety,
depression and bad luck!
Okay, I wont come down!
Screw this! I'm done.
Dude stop!!!!
You came back for me?
Look, I know I've been
a bitch to you all day but
I'm not going to stand around
and let you die
What are "they" doing here?
Good question.
We are here to protect him
Protect him? From what?
From you for one thing
What is that supposed to mean?
You talk in riddles
I guess we should finally tell you...
See this young man and I... we are--
Mothergoose....
Toddler-Genitals doesn't know a thing.
I repeat....Toddler-Genitals
doesn't have a clue
Oh no! Not this fucker again....
What do you want homie? You've
been following us all day
Seriously man! Enough's enough, okay...
... you've been following us --- whoa!!!
[ choking ]
I can't breathe! Someone help....
Get him down!!!!
Ahhhh!!!!!!!!
You were going to let me die....again
No! I ---
You moved.
But you didn't
Dude, I was going to save him!!!
He would've died if that noose
wasn't made by such an idiot
You did kind of let him fall
No! Bad crackhead...
Gotta go!!!
I should follow her. See ya.
Can't catch me blondie!
I wonder why he keeps doing that?
I know why!!
Oh really? Why??
I forgot.
Shocker.
At least he didn't almost
let me kill myself twice.
I didn't let you kill yourself...it
was a reaction
Who the care Nate! We all would've
let you die out here
I heard you know where my
pillowcase is little boy?
Oh yea... and why should I tell you?
Why u should tell me?
Oh my gosh!
This is why you should
tell me motherfucker!
Dude, put that shit away!
Tell me where that pillowcase is or I'm
going to pop a cap in both your asses!
Pop a cap?
Ah! I think I get it now
Calm down. It's in the only
hole dug in the park idiot
Jesus Byron! What are you doing? What
does a landlord need a gun for?
Goddamn bro, yo really don't see
things for what they is do you?
He really doesn't
You're ignorant. Not like politically
correct ignorant
... like completely ignorant to everythi
What are you guys doing?
You don't see things for how
they really are, Norman
They are all filtered in that
messed up head of yours
I want an example... how
do I not "see" things?
You haven't seen that this
girl is just using you
That's 'cause she's not... is she?
Of course the girl of my
dreams would be using me
I'm the girl of your dreams
Well yea....
Oh shit... maybe the girl
of your wet dreams
Fuck you dude.
Fuck me, bitch?
I can end your motherfucking
life right now
Thanks Nate. That's like the nixes
things anyone has ever said to me...
but I'm really not though
I wish you could see yourself
the way I see you.
I don't know what's happening...but
whatever it is....
...it's really cute
It's only fitting that you
two Hansel & Gretal
lookin' motherfuckers die together
If this works out perfectly...you can
stay with your percker-wood boyfriend
I'll go find my shit and you're out.
Wait! I'm you're business partner,
I wont have a job!
I don't care if you have a job,
get hit by a car.
I'm coming back and I'm killing everybod
That's alright. He'll never find it anyw
And how do you know that?
I forgot!
You don't! Exactly
Cameron! Wait! Please!
Cameron... it can't be that bad
I mean what's the worst that can happen
if he finds it before you do?
He shoots me
Oh.
...and you.
What??
No one's getting shot
Oh yea? How did the barrel
of the pistol taste?
Cameron, I think it would be easier if y
just told me what is in that pillowcase?
Why is it so important?
Tell him the truth ... for once
What the fuck? How are you in my thought
Don't worry about that
[ Hahaha ]
What the -- ?
Tell Nate you sell drugs
Poor guy thinks the world of you
The least you can do is tell him the tru
Soooo.... are you going to tell me?
Ok Nate... the pillowcase has ---
Money!
Money, isn't it?
Yeah... yea....
It's money
I knew it! It had to be money
Yeah? Yeah!
There's money in the pillowcase!
Gosh Cameron... this is so bad
This is so bad!
Is it a lot of money?
Yah! It's a lot of money!
That's why we need to find
it before Byron does!
Why? Why would it matter? Who
cares if you find his ---
So wait! Who's money is it?
It... I... it's like..
both of ours
I don't get it. What is that
even suppose to mean?
I can't believe I'm about to do this...
Nate...
You like me right?
Yes.
Then you're going to just have
to trust me on this one, okay?
I promise I'll explain everything
when we're not about to die
You're a terrible person
Shut up you little twerp!
Okay...
I trust you
Just promise me that whatever
we're doing...
isn't like.. breaking the law or anythin
You're not going to lie
to him again, are you?
I promise.
Alright. Let's do this
And... you guys are going
to helps us right?
No, no and no!
Not if she's going to be with us
What the fuck dude?!
You're a bad person!
A really, REALLY, bad person!
No she's not, okay!
She's the most amazing girl I've ever me
Seriously Nate?
What is it with all this?
You met me only a few hours ago
Not really, I mean..
I've seen you around town
every now and then ..
Oh!!! Oh !!!
[ hits the wall ]
[ store announcer ] : May I have
your attention please..
... the store will be closing in 5 minut
Please bring your items
to the checkout now...
... we thank you for shopping
with us today.
Ah....
I know it's weird but...
I feel like everything that's
happened in my life
... especially today
... has led me to you.
I mean...
You're me... just like the opposite of m
Which is something that I always needed!
Someone who's into the
same things as me ...
But at the same time experiencing
them so much differently
While I walk around this
scared depressed wimp...
... you don't give a crap
You push me away from the flaws inside
the person that I really am
Let's go find that pillowcase
See Nate... how do you not see
that she's just using you
How do you know?
You just poured your heart out to
her and all she had to say was...
" Let's go find the pillowcase "
Don't listen to that little fucker..
I was just using you...
but I'm not anymore
It's just...I'm kind of in
a life or death situation
with this pillowcase thing
... so I can't really focus on
the romantic shit, you know?
Okay...
.. let's find that pillowcase
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
Hey wait!
What?
Where are you guys going? We
can't do this without you
I know, that's why we're leaving
We told you it's in a hole ...
Now go find the hole!!!
Something you're tiny
little penis can't do
Why are you being like this?
'Cause there's drugs in
that pillowcase Nate!
Not necessarily the bad kind. ...
But it's the principle that
the Boss cares about
I'm hungry.
Want tacos?
[ suspicious comedy score ]
Drugs??
Drugs Cameron? Seriously....
Come on dude! Drugs!!!
It's just some fucking pot, okay...
Good pot.
Pot ?
Yea... dope, weed, marijuana
I know what it is! I know what pot is.
But you just got done telling me that we
weren't breaking the law or anything
It's legal!
Not a whole frickin' bag!
You lied to me...
... again.
Nate wait! I'm sorry --
No!
I thought you were different...
... but you're just like everyone else
Nate!!! I'm so fucking sorry dude ...
No, you're not sorry
You're doing this so you can
find you're stupid pot
No I'm not dude, I swear!
Believe you? I'm supposed
to believe you???
Because you've had such a good
track record of being honest?
You're right. I'm sorry ... I've
lied to you a lot today
It's such a shitty thing for me to
do to such a sweet guys like you
And I don't know...
... maybe you bring out some weird
guilt in me but I realized...
I need to change
And I know this is way too late and...
you're probably really over it
I don't know what I can do to show you
that I actually do care about you Nate
You actually care about me?
Yea.
It's 'cause of goofy shit like that
That goofy-ass smile your just got
I think it's so fucking awesome how
someone can be so suicidal....
... yet have such a hopeful
outlook on life
Well, to be honest...
... you brought out the hope in me
If you don't want to help
me find the pillowcase...
... it's whatever, but, I just --
I'd like to see you around more often...
... that is if we are still alive
Yea... I'll help you Cameron
Really?
I mean it's not like I have anything
to do on my birthday
Plus... I know if I don't I'll
never be able to see you again
And...
I don't want to die
Not anymore
We tried to tell ya, Neal!
It's Nate ---
-- nevermind
Aren't you going to stop them?
Nah... I'd rather team up with you anway
Damn dude... that was cheesy as fuck
Let's go find that weed!
Now they got a pimp out here on his hand
and knees going through sticks and shit
This reminds me of the time I lost my
weed in that strippers booty hole
... it was a good night though. Haha!
Mothergoose, mothergoose, come in!
Suspect, "pimping ain't easy" in sight
Come in...do you copy?
I'm looking for MY weed...
someone's gonna pay --
AHHHH!!!!
[ fart ]
Oh hell nah!!!
What the fuck???
Ahhh!!
[ breathing hard ]
That crackhead faster than a motherfucke
[ radio static ]
What is that ?
What do we got here?
Oh hell nah!!!!
Snitching-ass bitch!
I knew it!!!
Oh yea... I'm going to
kill this motherfucka!
[ walkie ] : Home base to "dirty dick" .
... what's your location? We have a
possible 10-32 , please stand by..
Come back here 5-0! Bring your
snitching ass back here!
Move out the way! Pimp coming!!!
Fanny pack. Walkie-talkie ...
Pimp. Pimp!!!
[ echo ]: Someone here is a cop
I got it! You're the cop!
You're the one the kid
was telling us about!
Remember the kid and the old man told
us there was a cop in the park
Well, well, well ...
Cop or not I'll still dust your ass!
I ain't no cop. I aint!
I ain't no bitch-ass cop!
Come here! You sneaky ass bitch!
Ahhh!! Let go of me!!
What this about you being
a motherfuckin police?
Owww!!!
So how the hell would a crackhead
have an iphone?
I knew your dirty ass was the police!
It's 2019 Einstein, Everyone's
got an iphone!
I'm recording you ass too --
Put that phone away nigga! You think
this is a motherfuckin' game?
Everybody going to see this
shit! Black-on-Black crime!
Black-on-Black crime!
Oh, I see you a high motherfucker -
you think I wont shoot
your motehrufuckin' ass
Ah! I ain't no cop, put that away!
I'll kill you even if you is the police,
nigga. Put that phone down!
-- Dust his ass! -- No!!
Put that gun away, man. You're trippin'!
Everybody calm down! I'll forget
everything is you just ---
Check on, two. Check- check...
Speak clearly and let me know what
y'all are doing in the park
The thing that I hate more than
tenants who don't pay their rent
is the motherfuckin' police!!
[ empty clips ]
I got you now!!!
Hi-yahh nigga!
Oh hell , I'm out of bullets. I'll be ba
Cameron come on!
Oh my god, he almost shot his ass
Yea, because you told him to
Well I didn't think he actually would
Then why would you say "dust his ass " ?
I wanted to sound cool!
So now it's cool to kill someone?
Yeah..... no.
I didn't think he actually would.
Maybe Byron was right... I should go
What? No... seriously?
What about you changing and everything?
Or was that another one of your lies, to
I'm sorry.
I told you she sucks!
Really for free?
Maybe she can do something
with my limp cobra ?
Just leave me alone already. I've
had enough of this. I'm done!
You're not sick of us... you're
sick of yourself son
What is that supposed to mean?
How do you even know --
We've been following you for years Nate
... well, off and on
Huh?
What are you talking about?
We're not real, Nate
Okay... okay...
I officially don't have no idea
what's going on anymore!
We're your guardian angels, Nick
Hasn't that been obvious?
Yea... oh yea.... real obvious
Pretty much seems like the
opposite of that to me
Yeah. you're right. Now it all makes sen
why I've had such a crappy life
I've had two of the worst guardian
angels in the world
You guys are ---
Anyway!
After watching you for the past 24 hours
it's pretty clear that you're depressed
And we needed to do something
Gee thanks, like I haven't heard about
my depression like 20 times today
That's 'cause we haven't been there for
you and ignored our responsibilities
Deep down. We just want
the best for you Nate
Wait ..
You said the last 24 hours ...
How were you there for me last night?
We did all of this to help you
Help? Help?
How is being trapped in this
crazy situation helping me?
To give you a chance, son
A chance for what?
Change.
Son, you see life as a serious of ...
... unchanging, unfortunate events
Well, at least I can remember
what I did ten seconds ago
Huh??
It's not about him, Nate. It's about you
You walk around all sad and unhappy when
you have so much to be grateful for
You're healthy, you're alive --
I'm a walking embarrassment.
Can't do anything right...
... oh, and have the worst guardian ange
Yea ... my life is just great
See, its stuff like that.
Focusing on the negative
Okay, then how do I make myself happy
when I've lived such a crappy life?
Take the chance we are giving you!
Right ... and what is that?
Grow a pair of testicles
Live life! Make a damn change!
There's s pillowcase full of marijuana .
... a girl you're in love with and ...
... your life is on the line!
So grow a pair and do something!
AFter everything you've
been through today ...
... you can get through whatever
life has to throw at you.
So embrace that ...
... dumbass!
You never know what will
happen when you do
Yea ...
Yea .. you know what--
You are right
that's like the only thing I haven't don
Wait, I'm confused though ...
... I know that I have to change, I just
don't know how to do all that sutff
When the time comes you'll know... I thi
Good luck Nate. I believe in you
Thanks
So what do we do know besides
you not killing me
I'm going to find my bullets
and you better ind my shit
or I'm going to kill your
ass when I get back
But --
Catch you later baby, I"m out.
Shit ...
If I had the dick the size
of half a grape...
... where would I put that pillowcase?
[ Music by: NOTWOLFY ]
[ children playing ]
[ glimmer shine ]
Halt! Oh and I forgot to tell you. We're
not actually you're guardian angels
Do you believe in unicorns too?
I've just being doing some
community service
by taking this old dude to the park
... or maybe we are.
The boss said not to tell him
Well... whatever you guys are
I just want to say thank you
I couldn't have done it without you
[ hip hop score ]
Oh ....
Hi ...
Uh, sup dude ...
Any luck finding it yet?
Nope. You?
Who knew finding a pillowcase filled
with weed would be so hard?
Yea... you know, almost
as hard as my penis
[ awkward silence ]
Sorry, I was trying to be funny
... that was a really bad joke
Sorry for bailing on you, dude
It's alright. I'm sorry too
Wait, what ?
Well... I've been doing some thinking
-- you know, the past
couple of minutes and
... and I've realized how ignorant
I've been to things my entire life
I've been stuck in my head,
where it sucks.
And I can't do anything to change it
What are you talking about?
Everything! Everything!!!
Everything since last night has shown
me just how wrong I've been living
For example; I've been so infatuated wit
getting the hopes of your love that ...
... I had no idea that you were
using me to get to your drugs
Just like I'm always thinking
about the things I don't have
Oh! And then there's that pillowcase thi
Which I now realized it was the only spa
i need tin order to change my life
I could have easily done what I always d
... and said "screw it!"
"Forget about it" !
but then, I would've have
regretted it for hours
But now, I see that life
is way more exciting
when you embrace the beauty
of it's surprises
It's definitely a life worth living
Dude, that dope and all but why are
you telling me all of this ?
Because "you".
You ...
You helped me change
And you can help me continue to change
Why me? What do I have to do
with changing your life?
I don't know ...
Maybe it's your whole " I don't
give a crap" attitude or ...
... the fact that you're mean to everyon
... or how you're always
screwing up or ---
Get to the point!
I guess, what I'm trying
to say is just ...
... being with you
brings out the best possible version of
I can step out side of this stupid, wimp
scared persona that's I've given myself
I mean, I smoked marijuana with you...
I would never normally do that
-- like what? Me? No!
I saw a guy get almost frickin' shot!
And none of it would have happened,
if it weren't for you
Uh... Cameron... if I --
--- find your marijuana...
... will you --
Jesus, no! What the -- ?
I was going to say "help
me continue to change "
Then why did you get on one knee ?
I uh -- had a cramp
You got a deal weirdo.
Oww... . thanks
Whoa! Whoa! What the fuck dude?
I was uh... trying out my new lifestyle
Too much too soon?
You can't just lick someone's
face like that!
[ glimmer shine ]
No friggin' way!
Is that what I think it is?
Holy fuck, that's it!!!
[ glimmer shine ]
Holy shit dude, it's still here!!
I can't believe it , thank you so much!!
Nate... thank you so much for everything
Thank you, I can't say it enough
I'm a little pissed that you took it
in the first place but thank you --
Thank you for everything. I don't
know what I can do to repay you
Thank you Nate.
Anything for you.
Haha... I'm just happy you got
what you wanted Cameron.
You know I searched the
whole park for you.
Freeze! LAPD!
Ya'll under the arrest for the possessio
of marijuana and intent to distribute
Got you sweetheart! You're going
to jail for a long time!
Turn around! You're going to
spend the night in county
God... you smell like shit for a Narc
I was committing to my character
You can't arrest her for that!
That pot isn't hers
She did say it was "her shit"
.. and it is in her hands, isn't it?
Home base, officer dirty dick --
Haha!!
I didn't pick my own undercover name
That's even worse!
I didn't make this name up
Hahahahah!!!
Seriously... that means your dirty dick
You are not the one to talk
in this department pal
And you. I finally got you.
I knew it was you the whole time
Good job dude, it only
took you the whole day
And you... I would've be arresting you
if I knew your role in this operation.
Clearly you're not a drug dealer
You're coming to get booked
sister. Come on Blondie!
What the fuck???!!
Oh hell no!
Freeze! Don't move!
I'm packing now, bitch!
I found your weed!
I think it's a little late for
that now, don't you think?
Wait!
What the hell??
If you're going to shoot them , you're
going to have to shoot me first
I used to want this moment to happen...b
now that it's here...
I'm kind of scared...
I don't know what I'm doing
but .. .it feels right
Plus, I know that I don't
want to be alive...
... if she weren't
Cute speech bitch
This is for Ned!!!
Ahhhh!!!
GFreeze dirtbag!
What the fuck is going on?
-Got you Byron! - Hi-yah!!
-What now bitch?
Don't you dare move!
Wow. You guy really are my guardian ange
I don't know
Come on!
Good job, partner
Detective, you smell like shit
Just playing my part, sir
You actually smell like
dog shit, like if --
-- if the dog ate Taco Bell the night
before, that's what you smell like
Roger that, roger that sir.
You smell like a fucking porter potty
Silence!!!
Yea... he's not wrong. Stay out
of the station for a while
Com on, Flavor-flav, let's go!
You know, I'd give you a pretty damn goo
hug right now if I wasn't handcuffed
Well ... it's a good thing I'm not
Yea, I hate to break up
this weird little moment
but it's time for your ride downtown
For some obvious questioning
Whoa! You can't do that
to her. Not this time!
Yea, I can. Listen glasses --
This isn't some romantic comedy where
you think you're Ben Stiller
This is real life. And she broke the law
Well I hope to see you when
all of this is done
You will
And in case we don't --
Okay, we're done here
Oh come on man! Wait --
Seriously? We were this
close...we -- just --
[ inner voice ] : Haha! We are
totally going to smash that
What?! No
Yea ... okay, maybe
Wait! Cameron!!!
You bald looking Night Court
motherfucker, get off me!!!
Yep. I know... life tough. It's tough
There you go, there you go
Who's smell like garbage now?
Talking about me all day, uh huh?
Get in the car 'cause
you're going downtown
Pay back's a bitch, ain't it, uh huh
Cameron, wait!
Cameron, listen ...
Next time ...
Next time you see me I
won't be such a pansy
Dude, you took a bullet for me.
You're officially stripped of your
label of "world's biggest pussy"
I know. You're right. Except
there's one more thing ..
Would you wanna go out with me?
This mother -- psshh..
You know, whenever you're out of the joi
Dude... I'm never out of joints
but sure
My nigga Nate
Alright we're done here...
Enough of this hallmark shit little Rome
[ police radio ] : Suspect in custody
[ glimmer shine ]
Good job, Nate. You did it
... you passed the test
You're my guardian angel too?
Me neither!
Well, whatever you guys are...
I wanna say thank you
You literally saved my life
You're welcome and now...
... you're saving you're own life
Later Nate.
[ teenagers laugh ]
I caught it .
Nice try bitches
Oh yeaa ooo yea... -- yea, yea, yea
Doesn't change the fact that
you still have a baby dick
Ooo yea -- Oooo yea, yea, yea, yea
Still dance like a bitch.
Ooo yea -- Oooo yea
Ooo yea -- Oooo yea -- dance
it out! dance it out!!!
Yous the bitch ... [ robot noises ]
I'm the man [ robot noises ]
Did you just call my son a bitch????
Get him Mom!!!
You're not getting away this time!
No lady, you're crazy!!!
I can run all day if I have to!
I didn't do anything!
Run Nate! Run!!!
[ laughter ]
[ A Walk in the Park ]
[ End Credits : Blooper Reel ]
[ End Credits : Blooper Reel ]
[ End Credits : Blooper Reel ]
[ Artists Digital Lab ]
Byron : My wig came off..
[ laughter from cast and crew ]
[ Marquito Productions ]
[ Artists Digital Lab ]
[ Marquito Productions ]
[ Intro Credits ]
[ Music by: NOTWOLFY ]
( chill hip-hop beat )
[ music fades off ]
( snore sounds )
( glimmer chimes)
( unzipping pants )
( urinating )
[ choking ]
Nate: Is this urine?! Taste like urine..
Homeless Man: Yea...take it good.
That's what you get for ruining
everything motherfucker.
I got business bro! I gotta go!
[ Frisbee hit ]
If you're not careful, you're
going to die today.
Wait...what, what?!
Who are you??? Why was he peeing on me?
What's going on?
(laughs)
Well...uh no. I don't know.
Maybe
I'll literally tried to drink
myself to death last night...
... and I guess that didn't work.
Now, I'm here.
(laughs some more)
Oh my gosh...
it's her.
[ romantic music plays ]
Man, I can believe I've had a crush on
her ever since that Kid Cudi concert.
And Tarantino night a Cinespia
... or that one time we
went to the coffee --
( grasshoppers chripping )
[ romantic music plays again ]
Nate, go talk to her
She's the girl of your dreams
Go talk to her.
[ football smash nuts ]
Owwww!!!!
[ teenagers laughing ]
[ pukes ]
You got him bro!
[ teens laugh at Nate ]
Yo naked dude! It's clear you need some
balls but can we at least have ours back
Don't you know this is a
family friendly park?
He coming. Ew.... what a weirdo.
This guy's a fool
Aww, it's so small. At least
cover your nuts dude.
Do you guys have a phone I can use?
Why? So you can take dick pics?
Why do you want to take dick pics?
To send them to your boyfriend?!
No!!!
I don't have a boyfriend.
Come on please! Let me use your phone!
I'll use that "find my phone" app
so I can find my phone! Please!
I know you guys have phone!
Dude, you're definitely going
to sneak a dick-pic in there
No, I'm not!
You're lucky Iphone's have zoom...
'cuase we'd definitely need it to
see that tiny schlong of yours
More like a microscope
Why are you naked in public?
Why are you here?
Look, to be honestly with you guys...
I really don't know what happened
last night but--
it would be a really nice start if I cou
use your phone so I can find my phone
Please...
( humming happily )
Please guys....I'm desperate.
I know one of you guys
have a phone just...
Please, give me a phone. One of you guys
Please. Please. Give me phone.
Come on guys. Give me a phone.
Gimme phone-phone. Phone-phone a gimme.
Give it to me guys. I'm desperate.
What are you doing with my son?!!!
[ blows whistle ]
Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!!!
His mom's about to beat the
shit out of you dude.
You're fucked dude.
What??
Dude, you better run.
I'm gonna beat that tiny little
thing right off of you!
Get him mom!!!
[ teens laugh ]
I don't care how small that things
is...it's still harassment!!!
[ they all laugh ]
Leave me alone lady!!!
You're going to jail buster!!!
Oh man...
Believe it or not...this isn't even
the worst birthday I've had.
Geez.... look at me.
I couldn't even kill myself last night,
yet somehow I'm living in hell.
You my friend....
... represent my life.
[ whistle blow ]
Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
Ah man....
Later guy who I woke up next to
I won't stop until I have my
hands around your neck!!!
You sicko!!!!
You're crazy!!!! Stop chasing me!
[ gate closes ]
Thank God
I've always heard that you're twenties
is where you find yourself
You know, that deep stuff.
Figure out: who you are
and get a real sense of yourself,
all that stuff.
Well I'm 29 now and I frickin'
hate what I found so far
No wonder I'm depressed
To make matters worse...
I'm hungover and I have no idea
what happened last night
I really don't.
I wish I were dead.
But I can't even seem to do that right
So let's see... I pissed off
a random homeless person
who by the way, peed in my mouth.
and I'm 100% sure there was
alcohol in his urine
Then, I think I made really
good friends with a stoner
or some sort of Hippie. Not sure
what language he speaks
Exposed my testicles in front
of the local teenagers
And lastly --
[ glimmer shine ]
(voice of Byron) Dear Nate...
I know you're going through
a tough time right now
and I can't express how sorry I am
to hear about a good young man
such as yourself, suffering
from despression
and suicidal thoughts...
but if you wanna live here motherfucka..
You're going to need to
pay you're goddam rent!
The rules apply to everybody!
You don't I wont throw you out because
you're acting like some bitch, Nate?!
Peace dawg!
This is me, evicting you!
Oh, and my daughter showed me your
little internet video....
if my dick was that small,
I'd be depressed too.
Pay your motherfucking rent, Nate!!!
Video? What video???
Owww!
This motherfucka Nate. Haha!
Sup? Youngblood?
What's so funny? Why are you laughing?
Is evicting me really that funny?
Nice card by the way.
Nah, it ain't that. It's
your dick youngblood.
Your dick and balls are smaller
in person than it is on camera.
You're shit is so small it probably
make pussy tighter.
What the heck?!
You know what? I feel bad for
evicting you and shit...
I'm going to let you in your apartment.
Really? Why?
That way you can find your dick and mayb
one of your balls, little nigga.
Alright... we'll let me in.
Move over little bitch!
Thanks Byron.
Shut the fuck up.
Yea... yea baby girl.
Yeah, that motherfucka is by the park
Yeah....find my shit or I'm gonna
kill your motherfuckin' ass.
Uh huh....I'm hanging up bitch.
This girl better not be playing
with my money....
If this turns out to be one of those day
I swear I'm gonna kill somebody!
Ok, new day. New start.
You got this Nate.
Lets try and piece together whatever
happened last night.
First things first, where
the heck are my pants?
Knowing me, I probably left
my phone in my pocket
That's so Nate... like I always do.
But if I get my pants, I get my phone.
If I get my phone I can at least find so
evidence of what I did last night
Who is " pillow man " ?
[ glimmer shine ]
No frickin' way!
Woops! Gonna need that.
Just a little bit--
Hi-yaa!!!
Come on....
That's exhausting.
Wow. That guy's weak.
Even I can get those pants down.
Easy now. She's just a young woman.
Haha!
Oh man!
How high is that???
Come on!!!!
Wait a second....
That's him.
Huh?
The guy with the tiny wiener
He's the one.
Yea...the one? Right.
Come on, let's go!
Boss says Nate needs us
now, more than ever.
What? Why?
'Cause! Today is the big day.
Oh right...the big day.
Right.
Come on! You forgot what
we were sent to do.
Didn't you?
Ahhhh!!!!!!!
Ohhh!
Is that how he's going to die?
Not that I know of
Oh yea right. I knew that.
Dude, did you just see that?
That guy with the man-gina just ate
shit falling out of that tree.
Listen Cheech and Dong...
You need to focus more on selling
this shit than smoking it.
Especially since we lost all
of our weed last night.
Focus!
What the fuck?
That's weird...I've never seen
your eyes so open before
it's creeping me out.
I can't understand you.
I can't understand you.
Dude, you're so high that I don't think
you understand that you're mumbling
Oh that's funny...
(party chanting) "Pillow Man! Pillow Man
[ same romantic music plays ]
I don't even have to make a dick
joke. His dick is the joke!
Hey, you guys are the dealers...
Can I get some chronic?
Even though you're like ten
I'd still sell ya weed ...
but unfortunately that pillowcase in tha
video happens to be our weed so no.
Oh word. Could I get your number then?
No!
Come on, let's go stony baloney.
[ suspicious comedy score ]
Can I help you guys?
You really don't have any idea
what going on, do you?
Nope. I don't think I ever really do.
Not you. Him.
Who me?
What are you guys ---
Hey!
Aren't you that kid that told
me I was going to die today?
Uh huh
What do you guys want?
Unless you're here to magically fix
everything's that's happened
or kill me
I don't want to hear it
Actually, we are
Which one? Kill me or fix it?
I don't know I forgot.
It's gotta be around here somehwhere
Aha! Here it is.
Maybe that video that Byron was
talking about is on here
Get that video delete son!
Why?
Because that video could
cost your your life
Uhh... that's a little dramatic
don't you think?
Haha. My life?
Uh huh... I'm going to
go check my voicemails
so if you'll excuse me
I could really use some happy birthday
messages right about now
... you weirdos.
[voicemail] : You have 2 new voicemails
Press #1 to hear your messages
You pressed #1. Do you really
want to hear you messages.
Yes. That's why I pressed #1
Are you sure? They are not good.
What the -- ?
Yes! Why am I even talking to you?
You're just a product of Apple.
You use our technology every moment
of the day. So technically...
..so are you.
Just please play me my messages, okay.
That's all I'm asking for.
Fine but I just have to say...
that after hearing your messages....
you're life sounds terrible
I know! I know, okay!
Just play me my messages. Please.
Here, you go. First, message:
Hello, Mr. Childress, my
name is Richard Taker.
Dick Taker?
I'm heading the new management
team at Centrix ...
..and we're not gonna need you anymore.
In fact, never knew why we needed you
in the first place, to be honest.
A machine by a retard could do your job
When I asked around the office
so I should keep you...
... no one knew who you were.
Sorry, a little harsh
Anywho, take care.
Are you kidding me?
As if my life wasn't bad enough
I'm out of a job
I don't have an apartment
or any shred of dignity
Oh yeah... and my life
is no somehow at stake
Help me out a little bit!
Stupid grass!
[voicemail] : Sorry.
That first one was rough
I know... I know.
And they don't get any better
Are you sure you want
to hear the next one?
Yes! No -- I don't know.
2nd message:
[Big Bro] : Yo!
What's up fuck-face! It's your big bro..
Wanted to wish you a happy
bday 'cause ....
Dad told me how you've been
wanting to kill yourself
and honestly it wouldn't
be that bad of an idea
I mean, bro...
you can't get laid
your job is going nowhere
and -- you're basically already dead
I'm kidding. Kidding.
I love you bro
No homo
... homo
[voicemail]: End of messages.
My brother was right on every level.
It's my birthday and I'm spending it
outside of the apartment that I don't ow
with the friends that I don't have
Man, this is - this is terrible
My life is terrible
It's not like... I still wanna kill myse
but at this point, I feel like dying
would be a relief
What's up cry-baby?
[ same love medley comes on ]
[ love medley plays on ]
Ow!
Hahaha!
Sorry dude.
It's okay. You know...
...the day I've been having
so far it all make sense.
Picking up this trash. Gonna
drink some beer...
I literally woke up to that
guy taking a piss on me
Doo-doo!
That guy have been lurking around all da
I can't tell if he's a
crazy vegan hipster or
some gross homeless dude
( gibberish )
Hey hey, what's up brother?
Oh hi. I never got to thank you
for peeing on me this morning.
Oh anytime brother. I live to serve.
Lookie here, any ya'll have
couple dollars to spare ?
I'll give you $10 if you pee on him agai
What the --?
That's a deal.
I uh ---
Come on, money please
Fine! Whatever. I can't
believe I'm doing this.
Just whatever I give you use
it for food, alright?
I don't wanna enable your drug habit
Drug habits!!!
You think I go on drugs just
because I'm black ?
No. No. I never said that.
I'm not one of those people
So whatcha mean by those people?
I'm just trying to help
You just wanna help me?
You trying to help me??
You can't even help yourself,
half naked running around
the park with a little wiener
Dick so small, you can piss on your ball
You better A-E-I-O- See U out of here!
Trying to help me?
I'm the only one that can help me.
Trying to help somebody. Ha! I
don't know why she's with him?
She's too cute to be with him.
Pssst!
Ow... . whoa!
I feel weird
What the fuck?
That's the first time I've ever
been able to to understand you.
I know!!! Haha!
That's great. Okay, well..
this guy has our weed and
I'm trying to get it back
Oh dude, well if he has our weed:
Hey man! Can we --
Shhh!
[ slap ]
Uhhh....
everything okay over there?
Nothing! We're fine.
I think he's trying to tell
us something but ----
I don't know.
I really can't make out what he's saying
He's fine. He's feeling great
He's just leaving
Bye. Bye. Bye. See you.
Bye.
Uhh... I'm glad that wasn't weird at all
Well look....
Can a baller get a couple
dollars over here?
Hello.
Here man. There should
be like 5 in there...
go get yourself a nice warm burrito
I'm sorry for calling you an addict
It's all good. Thanks for
the crack money dumbass
Oh come on man, I though you were my n-
Don't you dare say that word
I was going to say "New Friend"
that's even worse!
You think I'd be friends with a
pansies-ass panty-waste like you?
Ha! Walking around in pink
shorts..... [fades off]
(singing): I'm in the money!
I'm in the money!
To get me my crackie.
Well, I officially got outsmarted
and assaulted by a crackhead
Can't say I'm surprise with
the luck I've been having
Well if it makes you feel any better dud
that's the funny shit I've ever seen
Ever since I started seeing her...
[other voice]: You mean staking her!
-Nooooo
As I was saying...
even without saying a word to her I knew
she was the perfect girls for me
And I know what your thinking --
-Man! You just wanna plow that ass
-No. No!
It's not that --
-Oh okay. I got it, so you
don't wanna fuck her?
-Well, I mean I do, but -- Hey!
...will you just let me finish for once?
-Haha. That's what she said.
You're weird as fuck dude.
I dig it. I'm Cameron
I'm Nate.
Owww!
What the heck?!
What was I supposed to do?
Let you rape my tits
I was trying to shake your hand
Oh my bad.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself...I
woke up naked
on that bench right there
with no recollection of what
happened that night before
Oh! and apparently there is some video
flying around of me on the internet
Oh I saw that, it's embarrassing as fuck
You saw it?
Yea... it's like this small
I was talking about the video
Right. I was as well.
You don't have to follow me, ya know?
You should probably just...
leave me alone.
So.... about the pillowcase in that vide
I can't do this anymore.
My life is terrible!
It's just so hard being alive
you know. I hate it!
I'm sure your life is fine.
My own brother told me
I should kill myself
Oh well -- yea that's bad
So about this pillowcase....
Huh?
What about that pillowcase?
You, me. The park. My pillowcase.
You mean...like, like...
... a date?
Uh. Um, no. What?
Oh you know...something like...
chill...and casual, you know?
Man, this is gonna suck.
But I do need my weed back
What's worse? Boss man killing me or...
spending an entire day with
this pathetic meat flap
Fuck it. Let's do it.
I know you can help me find my pillowcas
Nate. You're so smart.
Well.... okay
Wait.... there's...
something weird about this
You've never been this nice
to me. What's going on?
Uh, nothing. No. There's nothing
illegal in the pillowcase
There's nothing weird. I .... I....
Who said anything about it being illegal
No you can't!
Whoa!!!
Look!
You're friend!
He just got dragged into the
bush by a homeless man
I'm not surprised
You know how high that
kid is all the time ?
I'm mean I literally watched
him bake a cake
I'm mean, that's pretty normal
He was using glue as the frosting!
I seriously think he was taken,
maybe we should call the cops
No! Don't call the cops!
Don't worry about him. He's fine.
Don't worry about my friend
So you wanna tell me why you were uh....
rocking out with your cock
out in that video?
Na uh.
Come on! Tell me
Na uh.
Come on, I'm literally bored as
shit, I'll just keep asking you
No! It's embarrassing
Tell me!
Not gonna happen
Come on tell me, I wanna know!
No!!!
Tell me!!!!
No!!!!!
TELL ME BITCH!!!
Yeah, just tell her already.
Seriously, who are you guys
and what do you want?
Don't worry about who we are
I don't know even know who I am
Then why have you been
following me around all day?
We are here to help you
And what is that supposed to mean?
I said don't worry about it!!!
I remember, I'm supposed
to tell you something
Hello?
Hello?! Yo!!
Come on!!!
Hello?
Hello! Wake up old fuck
Do you remember what he's
trying to tell us?
Yep.
And are you going to tell us?
Nope
It's way funnier this way
I don't wanna die! What will
be funnier this way?
You'll see
Come on. He's not quite ready yet
Where are you guys going?!!!
I'm ready. I'm ready.
I think I'm ready.
Hey come back....trust me...
Is it just me or was that really weird
Do you know what he was going to say?
Chill out dude
Excuse me?
My life is falling apart in front of
my eyes and you want me to chill?
Yep. Pretty much. I know just what'll he
Smoke this.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not going to help. I promise you
I can't. I wont.
No. I'm not gonna hit that.
Seriously dude? You're
going to be like that?
Stop being such a pussy
This is the last of my stash I'm
trying o be nice, for once
No. I don't want to smoke it
You're literally a high
speed tampon tunnel
just fucking smoke it!
I'm not a highway --- speed, whatever!
I'm not.
Let me ask you something and be honest
How has your life turned out
so far by NOT smoking weed?
Dang it. She's right.
Wait! That doesn't mean that suddenly
things are going to be better
because I'm high
Wait, isn't that the point
of getting high?
Gosh...this is so confusing
So you're going to hit
this or what my dude?
She called me "her dude"?
That's so cool!!!!
How can I possibly say "no" to her?
I'm her "dude"
Wait Cameron!
I don't know what it is about her?
But she's everything I'm not
She's exactly what I need my entire life
And this is my chance to be,
not the wimp I always am
This is the chance to
change my crappy life
Just smoke the damn thing Nate
And tell her... tell her how you feel
This. Is. Your. Moment ---
I uh--- yeah.. fine
screw it
I'll give it a try
First time, I see
What gave it away...the coughing?
No. Pretty much just everything about yo
I got it. I got it.
Are you gonna pass that shit or what?
And totally unrelated do you
have any recollection
of where you put that pillowcase?
Are you good dude?
Damn dude, you're dope
cherry is popping hard
I swear my shit's not laced
Seriously ?
I have to have a frickin'
seizure five minutes
into my first date with
the love of my life
Really Nate? That's what you're doing
Are you good dude?
Come on dude! Snap out of it!
What the??? Why are you smiling?
He's going straight towards that shit
Come on, snap out of it dude!
Oh my god, no!
Is that a boner?
Ewww!
Oh my God, it is a fucking boner!
Or is it? Seriously, I can't tell.
Nate ...
Nate ...
Hello! Are you okay?
Nate! Hello!
Little pecker boy. Earth to baby dick.
Come on little pincho, let's go!
That rock could've killed
Whoa!
Am I still dreaming?
First time getting your rocks off?
'Cause the rocks.
You saved my life
Ew. You are hard.
Oh shit. This is too easy. If
I tell him I saved his life
he'll definitely have to
find my weed for me
I don't know how to thank you
Oh, I do.
Really, anything . I'll do it.
About that pillowcase?
[ bushes sound ]
Come on man! We gave you money
already. Now what do you want?
I saw you over here shaking
with a little hard on
I heard some yelling and shit
I wanna make sure you alright
Yah, I'm fine.
Wait, don't you remember
what you saw earlier
Oh yeah...
Hey... you dragged her
friend into the bush
You know where my dealer
is --- ah, I mean friend
You know where he went, do you?
Your friend? He went into...like a bush
aka my summer home, thank you very much
And I just figure... since
you live in a bush
Look, let me tell you something:
I don't know nothing else, look
I just came over here because he was
shaking his shit with a little hard on
that's all I know, don't ask me stuff
Wait! Why do you give a fuck about
Nate? No one cares about Nate
I just came here because he gave me some
crack money, i figure he's nice
You know, tit for tat, tit for tat
You're getting pretty fucking defensive
Why don't you tell me where my dealer is
Dealer????
Friend. Damn it. Friend.
You know...you bet -- I gotta go
See ya!
Where are you going, you have no where
to go! You're a homeless man.
I'm like Flash. Crack Flash.
That was pretty low
You probably should apologize
Apologize?! Why should I apologize?
[running still]
Maybe we can still catch him?
Wee!!!!
Or not.
I'm sorry, I understand you have
to find your pillowcase
No, you don't understand Nate!
I can tell from knowing you for
like 20 minutes that you
don't see things for what they are
You stand around all worhtless and
ignorant, like Rosie O'Donnell's vagina
I don't need your help.
I can find it myself
Wait....
What?
Nothing.
Nevermind.
Okay??
Not so fast sister!
The hell you want rugrat?
Ah!!!
I wouldn't try anything
crazy if I were you?
Oh yea, and why is that?
Because there's a cop in the
park but you can't see him
-What? -So?
He's right
Oh yea? A cop? Then who is it then?
Oh my gosh!!! You're a Narc
I knew it! You're way to lame to be norm
-It's not ---
-I'm not a cop!
Yeah. You are! I may be
high but I'm no dumb
What?
What would a cop wanna do with
a stupid pillowcase anyway?
Well this has been fun. Let's
go, enough for now.
Don't worry Nate. This
is al part of the plan
What plan? Tell me the plan!
So is this it, to arrest me?
Becuase you were too afraid to
do it before, pussy-police man
No!!!
What a birthday...
Oh, I'm sure that's your
whole cover story.
An innocent little birthday
boy undercover Narc
I can't believe I'm in love wit you
considering how mean you are
Ha! You're in love with me?
I just called you a whinny little bitch
Oh! And I forgot to tell you. She's
only using you by the way.
Using me?
What could she be using me for?
You'll see.
So I'm stuck with an undercover
cop who's in live whit me?
I wish I could say this is the
first time this is happened
What the fuck are you laughing at?
Oh you were serious...
Wait , this is really happened
to you before?
Yeah, a lot of weird shit has happen to
Abusive boyfriend, absent father,
you don't see me crying about it
I didn't know all that happened to you
Wait, if you're not a Narc, finish this
the entire thing
No way! Last time I did that I almost di
It's just a joint
You're not going to die, I know. I sell
What were you going to say?
Nothing
No! Right there-- I know!
You said - I knew ....
right there, you said
No.
You would know because you sell ....?
Stop interrogating me Narc!
I'm not. I'm not a Narc!
Hold up a second...
why is it such a big deal if I was a cop
Because....
I guess I should come clean now...
The whole reason why I have this
pillowcase is because --
[ bushes sounds ]
[ radio static ]
Did you hear that?
It came from over there
[ radio static ]
What the hell was that?
I don't know but it came from that bush
What is it with bushes these days?
Eh? Everyone shaving them.
No?
Ow!!
Urg! What the hell is that smell?
I knew I smelled half
digested Chipotle....
... what the hell are you doing dude?
I was uh - uh--
Where you masturbating in the bush?
Uh... yea!!
Actually, I was jerking it!
Man, I was getting it on!
Shit. Ain't no big deal
More room after this.
It's afternoon delight time
That's why you have the creepy
little smirk on your face
Then what was that noise?
Well - it- it was porn!
Really? Because I never heard
porn sound like that before
Oh yea... cause you're the expert on por
Hey dawg! Crackheads are into
some freaky ass shit
you don't know nothing about
Well then go weirdly masturbate
somehwere man!
No, bad crackhead!
Git! Git!
No! Get out of there!
Go!
Wait! What about your friend?
He never told us about that!
Yea, what did you do with my dealer ---
ahh...I mean friend.
Catch me if you can!!!
Can't forget my beer bottle
I know some bad people that can
do some bad things to you!
Hey, we're back!
I hate to ruin the moment but
I got some more news for you
We already have enough
news to work here brat
but thanks
I'm sick of all of this!
Whatever you have to say, just say it!
Ummm....
Maybe it's a clue or something
A clue? This isn't a game Nate
We need to find the pillowcase before
the cop does or else ---
Wait, Why does it matter if the cops
find the stupid pillowcase anyways?
I'm waiting....
you guys want to hear what
I have to say or not?
-Yes! -No!
Where am I? What happened?
Who pulled the catheter out?
Oh you!
I know wher you put that
Poke-GAY-Man pillowcase
Where the fuck is it, Old Man?!
Tell me!
Yeah, where is that shit?
Are you two gonna tell me or no?
It's simple, you have two options...
...you can tell me what
you know or you can die
Yeah, 'cause you're really
the one in charge here
I'd say so considering I can
twist your twerpy ass neck
Look! We've all had a long day
... why don't you just tell
us where it is, okay?
'Cause I want you to find it, not her!
Why? It's hers!
Not if she can't find it
Where the fuck is my pillowcase
snot-nose mistake?
I don't know where it is....
He does.
I- I - seem to remember...
I can't ---
I can't recall what ---
where it is...
I just can't seem to remember
Uhh... does that mean you don't
know where it is Old Man
Whoa! Whoa!!! Okay...
Let's just calm down, okay
People are starting to stare
Whatever! I don't give a fuck dude.
...if they aren't going to tell
me where my pillow case is...
I don't need them. And I don't need you!
Wait...what?
You really don't understand that I've be
using you to get to my pillowcase
Well, I though that we were --
"We" .... aren't shit Nate.
Not only are you depressing as fuck but
you're too stupid to know I'm using you
to find my pillowcase
Oh my God! I gotta go!
That stupid ass little short
and a polk-a-dot tshirt ...
Who wear bow ties anymore?
Wow. This is awkward...
Looks like we did our job here
It's your fucking birthday dude...
go do something fun like...
I don't know... kill yourself.
Haha!! And I thought I was
roasting millimeter Peter
Haha! Good job boo
What's up little dick motherfucka?
Okay, seriously...how do you
guys know each other?
You still ain't found that shit yet?
Uhh... no?
Come on baby girl...you konw that my shi
If you don't figure this
out I will kill you.
Seriously!!! What the heck
is going on here?
If this was so important,
how did I end up with it?
Hold up... not so Magic Mike has a point
How did he get that shit?
So this motherfucka, done stole our shit
Whoa! "Our" shit?
Cameron...how do you know my landlord?
This beautiful bitch is my daughter
And you just called your own
daughter a little bitch?
Hell yea I did!
But she' not even black?
She's not my real daughter
Right, like I was supposed to --
Don't back talk me baby-dick
She metaphorically speaking my daughter.
...we done did business together for yea
Oh... my.... gosh....
I knew it!
I knew it! This whole time I didn't
want to believe it but ...
What?! What the fuck?
You knew what I do this whole time?
Well yea....I mean, I didn't
think it was true but ...
Yea...
...you're a prostitute.
I'm no hoe.
I may be a lot of things but
I'm not a fucking hooker
...and even if I were I wouldn't
be interested in you.
Really?
Have I not made it clear to you Nate...
... that I don't give a fuck about you
But... but you saved my life
About that.... I didn't.
But you pushed me out of the way
No.
But you took credit for
it when I thank you
I know!
I taught her everything she knows baby!
I can't believe you guys
You know what...
Maybe I will go kill myself...
.. and put an end to this
whole stupid day.
Good luck! Hope you actually
succeed this time
Or maybe... maybe I'll find that
pillowcase before you guys...
... and never give it back to you!
That's right!
Kiss this little wiener goodbye!
Owww! That hurt.
Let's try this again.
Stop chasing me!!!
I don't need you guys in my life!
I'm never gonna give back that pillowcas
You don't even know where you going!!!!
Hpld up you crazy ass white folks!
Whatcha you think this is....
.. a marathon?!!!
My kidneys 'bout to explode out this bit
You got me chasing this guy around
in my motherfuckin' dress shoes?
So you been out here fucking up all day?
Uh huh....
So why the fuck are you still
standing here then??
You better figure this shit out and
find my motherfuckin' pillowcase
.... or you're going to meet
this long cold hard ---
Please don't make me suck
your dick....please! No!
Don't make me suck your dick! Please....
What?!!! Bitch, I don't want no
motherfuckin' head from you !!!
I'm talking about my gun!
You better get this shit right.
I don't know which is worse.....oh God
Silly bitch.
Where the heck did I put this pillowcase
Okay... what would I be doing if I was
running around naked in a park,
blacked out ---
[ ring ring ]
Hello...
[Big Bro] : Sup fag...
Nice. Always good to hear from my big br
How's your asshole little bro?
Sore? Loose?
Do you have to wear a diapers
from all the butt-sex?
Do you even have control over your
bowel movements anymore??? Haha!
I'd take it you haven't killed
yourself yet, am I right?
Uh.. yeah. No, not yet.
Pshhh....weak
So what have you been doing today?
Trying to look for this little kid...
That's not creepy at all
No it's not like that....
... he has my pillowcase.
That didn't make it any less
weird, what the fuck?
Look, it's a complicated
situation alright?
After I got evicted this morning --
Ouch!
Yea... anyways...
After I got evicted, this old man
and this kid came up to me ...
... telling me this weird
and random information
Oh! And I talked to the girl I've
liked in like forever...
... now I have to find her pillowcase
before she does.
Why?
What do you mean why?
The pillowcase doesn't even matter...
Bro...
... you're life is still going
to be shitty anyways
Well...what if it has a
whole bunch of money?
So what if it does... you wont have
anyone to spend the money with
You've never had girlfriend.
And mom died last year...
...and she was like your
only friend, ever.
Wow man...
... you're the best.
No problem bro
I figured if you hadn't
killed yourself yet,
you needed a little dose of reality
... little motivation
Yea...
[ hahaha ]
You're going to die today
I don't care how small that things
is... it's still harassment
That's even worse!
You think I'd be friends with a little
pansies-ass panty waste like you?
It's like this small
You're in love with me, I just called
you a whinny little bitch
Have I not made it clear Nate, that
I don't give a fuck about you
You're right man... yo'ure
absolutely right.
Facts bro. Facts. Big facts.
I cant' believe I let myself believe
that any of this mattered.
Haha. Come on Nate...
Nate, I'm just fucking with you ! Don't
actually do anything you dumb-ass....
Nate, are you there?
Nate pick up the phone!!!
Don't actually do it dumb-ass!
Nate!!! Nate!!!
Why am I so worthless?
I miss you Mom....
[ branch breaks ]
Oh oh!!! Is he doing what
I think he's doing?
I think so...
You youngsters and you're crazy
ways of masterbating
Back in my day, all we had to do was ---
He's going to freaking kill himself!!
Who??
Him!
What?
Our guy!
What guy??
Nate!
Nick?
Nate!!!
Nick???
We have to do something! Quick!
Nick who?
Good thing we ain't looking
for Nate's dick....
.... we'd never find that shit
What the fuck you smiling for?
You don't smile unless I say
you can motherfucking smile
Matter of fact, you can smile
when you find my shit
You know how much that motherfucking
pillowcase was worth?
Yea... I know I can pay like
5 months rent with it
Why the fuck did you lose it then?
I didn't lose it , it got stolen!
You allowed it to get stolen! Boom Bitch
It's your motherfucking fault!
I didn't say it was stolen from me?
From who then????
I don't know. Probably that
stoner kid you hire
Who???
The kid that's stoned all the time....
( gibberish )
That motherfucka?
Yeah....
Where is he then?
I don't know...he just disappeared
into some bush
Not where the fuck is he then...where
the fuck is he NOW?
No fucking way....
Bitch how much that shit
have you been smoking?
No , look!
That kid is about to hang himself
He is about to kill himself?
Dope. That's dope as a motherfucker.
No! Not dope.
Even though he's kind of a pussy
he shouldn't hang himself
Bitch what???
I gotta do something! I can't
let him hang himself....
I almost let him die once today already.
I'm not that shitty of a person
Yes, you is.
No....
Not anymore.
Bitch what????
This is it Nate!
This will make everything better
This is your chance to end all
the pain and sufffering
Just jump off this branch...
... and end your crappy life
Wait Nate, don't kill yourself!!!
What are you guys doing here?
I don't know actually
Nate, don't do this! I know your life
is pretty freaking terrible...
... but that doesn't mean
you have to kill yourself
because your wiener
is smaller than mine
Why should I listen to you?
Who even are you guys?
Why are you guys doing this to me?
All you've done is complicate
my entire day!!!
Huh? What do you want little kid? What?
Leave me alone!
I don't --
You say " I don't" one more time...
I swear! I swear I'll jump off!
Calm down pussy
I won't calm down , okay!
My life is filled with anxiety,
depression and bad luck!
Okay, I wont come down!
Screw this! I'm done.
Dude stop!!!!
You came back for me?
Look, I know I've been
a bitch to you all day but
I'm not going to stand around
and let you die
What are "they" doing here?
Good question.
We are here to protect him
Protect him? From what?
From you for one thing
What is that supposed to mean?
You talk in riddles
I guess we should finally tell you...
See this young man and I... we are--
Mothergoose....
Toddler-Genitals doesn't know a thing.
I repeat....Toddler-Genitals
doesn't have a clue
Oh no! Not this fucker again....
What do you want homie? You've
been following us all day
Seriously man! Enough's enough, okay...
... you've been following us --- whoa!!!
[ choking ]
I can't breathe! Someone help....
Get him down!!!!
Ahhhh!!!!!!!!
You were going to let me die....again
No! I ---
You moved.
But you didn't
Dude, I was going to save him!!!
He would've died if that noose
wasn't made by such an idiot
You did kind of let him fall
No! Bad crackhead...
Gotta go!!!
I should follow her. See ya.
Can't catch me blondie!
I wonder why he keeps doing that?
I know why!!
Oh really? Why??
I forgot.
Shocker.
At least he didn't almost
let me kill myself twice.
I didn't let you kill yourself...it
was a reaction
Who the care Nate! We all would've
let you die out here
I heard you know where my
pillowcase is little boy?
Oh yea... and why should I tell you?
Why u should tell me?
Oh my gosh!
This is why you should
tell me motherfucker!
Dude, put that shit away!
Tell me where that pillowcase is or I'm
going to pop a cap in both your asses!
Pop a cap?
Ah! I think I get it now
Calm down. It's in the only
hole dug in the park idiot
Jesus Byron! What are you doing? What
does a landlord need a gun for?
Goddamn bro, yo really don't see
things for what they is do you?
He really doesn't
You're ignorant. Not like politically
correct ignorant
... like completely ignorant to everythi
What are you guys doing?
You don't see things for how
they really are, Norman
They are all filtered in that
messed up head of yours
I want an example... how
do I not "see" things?
You haven't seen that this
girl is just using you
That's 'cause she's not... is she?
Of course the girl of my
dreams would be using me
I'm the girl of your dreams
Well yea....
Oh shit... maybe the girl
of your wet dreams
Fuck you dude.
Fuck me, bitch?
I can end your motherfucking
life right now
Thanks Nate. That's like the nixes
things anyone has ever said to me...
but I'm really not though
I wish you could see yourself
the way I see you.
I don't know what's happening...but
whatever it is....
...it's really cute
It's only fitting that you
two Hansel & Gretal
lookin' motherfuckers die together
If this works out perfectly...you can
stay with your percker-wood boyfriend
I'll go find my shit and you're out.
Wait! I'm you're business partner,
I wont have a job!
I don't care if you have a job,
get hit by a car.
I'm coming back and I'm killing everybod
That's alright. He'll never find it anyw
And how do you know that?
I forgot!
You don't! Exactly
Cameron! Wait! Please!
Cameron... it can't be that bad
I mean what's the worst that can happen
if he finds it before you do?
He shoots me
Oh.
...and you.
What??
No one's getting shot
Oh yea? How did the barrel
of the pistol taste?
Cameron, I think it would be easier if y
just told me what is in that pillowcase?
Why is it so important?
Tell him the truth ... for once
What the fuck? How are you in my thought
Don't worry about that
[ Hahaha ]
What the -- ?
Tell Nate you sell drugs
Poor guy thinks the world of you
The least you can do is tell him the tru
Soooo.... are you going to tell me?
Ok Nate... the pillowcase has ---
Money!
Money, isn't it?
Yeah... yea....
It's money
I knew it! It had to be money
Yeah? Yeah!
There's money in the pillowcase!
Gosh Cameron... this is so bad
This is so bad!
Is it a lot of money?
Yah! It's a lot of money!
That's why we need to find
it before Byron does!
Why? Why would it matter? Who
cares if you find his ---
So wait! Who's money is it?
It... I... it's like..
both of ours
I don't get it. What is that
even suppose to mean?
I can't believe I'm about to do this...
Nate...
You like me right?
Yes.
Then you're going to just have
to trust me on this one, okay?
I promise I'll explain everything
when we're not about to die
You're a terrible person
Shut up you little twerp!
Okay...
I trust you
Just promise me that whatever
we're doing...
isn't like.. breaking the law or anythin
You're not going to lie
to him again, are you?
I promise.
Alright. Let's do this
And... you guys are going
to helps us right?
No, no and no!
Not if she's going to be with us
What the fuck dude?!
You're a bad person!
A really, REALLY, bad person!
No she's not, okay!
She's the most amazing girl I've ever me
Seriously Nate?
What is it with all this?
You met me only a few hours ago
Not really, I mean..
I've seen you around town
every now and then ..
Oh!!! Oh !!!
[ hits the wall ]
[ store announcer ] : May I have
your attention please..
... the store will be closing in 5 minut
Please bring your items
to the checkout now...
... we thank you for shopping
with us today.
Ah....
I know it's weird but...
I feel like everything that's
happened in my life
... especially today
... has led me to you.
I mean...
You're me... just like the opposite of m
Which is something that I always needed!
Someone who's into the
same things as me ...
But at the same time experiencing
them so much differently
While I walk around this
scared depressed wimp...
... you don't give a crap
You push me away from the flaws inside
the person that I really am
Let's go find that pillowcase
See Nate... how do you not see
that she's just using you
How do you know?
You just poured your heart out to
her and all she had to say was...
" Let's go find the pillowcase "
Don't listen to that little fucker..
I was just using you...
but I'm not anymore
It's just...I'm kind of in
a life or death situation
with this pillowcase thing
... so I can't really focus on
the romantic shit, you know?
Okay...
.. let's find that pillowcase
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
Hey wait!
What?
Where are you guys going? We
can't do this without you
I know, that's why we're leaving
We told you it's in a hole ...
Now go find the hole!!!
Something you're tiny
little penis can't do
Why are you being like this?
'Cause there's drugs in
that pillowcase Nate!
Not necessarily the bad kind. ...
But it's the principle that
the Boss cares about
I'm hungry.
Want tacos?
[ suspicious comedy score ]
Drugs??
Drugs Cameron? Seriously....
Come on dude! Drugs!!!
It's just some fucking pot, okay...
Good pot.
Pot ?
Yea... dope, weed, marijuana
I know what it is! I know what pot is.
But you just got done telling me that we
weren't breaking the law or anything
It's legal!
Not a whole frickin' bag!
You lied to me...
... again.
Nate wait! I'm sorry --
No!
I thought you were different...
... but you're just like everyone else
Nate!!! I'm so fucking sorry dude ...
No, you're not sorry
You're doing this so you can
find you're stupid pot
No I'm not dude, I swear!
Believe you? I'm supposed
to believe you???
Because you've had such a good
track record of being honest?
You're right. I'm sorry ... I've
lied to you a lot today
It's such a shitty thing for me to
do to such a sweet guys like you
And I don't know...
... maybe you bring out some weird
guilt in me but I realized...
I need to change
And I know this is way too late and...
you're probably really over it
I don't know what I can do to show you
that I actually do care about you Nate
You actually care about me?
Yea.
It's 'cause of goofy shit like that
That goofy-ass smile your just got
I think it's so fucking awesome how
someone can be so suicidal....
... yet have such a hopeful
outlook on life
Well, to be honest...
... you brought out the hope in me
If you don't want to help
me find the pillowcase...
... it's whatever, but, I just --
I'd like to see you around more often...
... that is if we are still alive
Yea... I'll help you Cameron
Really?
I mean it's not like I have anything
to do on my birthday
Plus... I know if I don't I'll
never be able to see you again
And...
I don't want to die
Not anymore
We tried to tell ya, Neal!
It's Nate ---
-- nevermind
Aren't you going to stop them?
Nah... I'd rather team up with you anway
Damn dude... that was cheesy as fuck
Let's go find that weed!
Now they got a pimp out here on his hand
and knees going through sticks and shit
This reminds me of the time I lost my
weed in that strippers booty hole
... it was a good night though. Haha!
Mothergoose, mothergoose, come in!
Suspect, "pimping ain't easy" in sight
Come in...do you copy?
I'm looking for MY weed...
someone's gonna pay --
AHHHH!!!!
[ fart ]
Oh hell nah!!!
What the fuck???
Ahhh!!
[ breathing hard ]
That crackhead faster than a motherfucke
[ radio static ]
What is that ?
What do we got here?
Oh hell nah!!!!
Snitching-ass bitch!
I knew it!!!
Oh yea... I'm going to
kill this motherfucka!
[ walkie ] : Home base to "dirty dick" .
... what's your location? We have a
possible 10-32 , please stand by..
Come back here 5-0! Bring your
snitching ass back here!
Move out the way! Pimp coming!!!
Fanny pack. Walkie-talkie ...
Pimp. Pimp!!!
[ echo ]: Someone here is a cop
I got it! You're the cop!
You're the one the kid
was telling us about!
Remember the kid and the old man told
us there was a cop in the park
Well, well, well ...
Cop or not I'll still dust your ass!
I ain't no cop. I aint!
I ain't no bitch-ass cop!
Come here! You sneaky ass bitch!
Ahhh!! Let go of me!!
What this about you being
a motherfuckin police?
Owww!!!
So how the hell would a crackhead
have an iphone?
I knew your dirty ass was the police!
It's 2019 Einstein, Everyone's
got an iphone!
I'm recording you ass too --
Put that phone away nigga! You think
this is a motherfuckin' game?
Everybody going to see this
shit! Black-on-Black crime!
Black-on-Black crime!
Oh, I see you a high motherfucker -
you think I wont shoot
your motehrufuckin' ass
Ah! I ain't no cop, put that away!
I'll kill you even if you is the police,
nigga. Put that phone down!
-- Dust his ass! -- No!!
Put that gun away, man. You're trippin'!
Everybody calm down! I'll forget
everything is you just ---
Check on, two. Check- check...
Speak clearly and let me know what
y'all are doing in the park
The thing that I hate more than
tenants who don't pay their rent
is the motherfuckin' police!!
[ empty clips ]
I got you now!!!
Hi-yahh nigga!
Oh hell , I'm out of bullets. I'll be ba
Cameron come on!
Oh my god, he almost shot his ass
Yea, because you told him to
Well I didn't think he actually would
Then why would you say "dust his ass " ?
I wanted to sound cool!
So now it's cool to kill someone?
Yeah..... no.
I didn't think he actually would.
Maybe Byron was right... I should go
What? No... seriously?
What about you changing and everything?
Or was that another one of your lies, to
I'm sorry.
I told you she sucks!
Really for free?
Maybe she can do something
with my limp cobra ?
Just leave me alone already. I've
had enough of this. I'm done!
You're not sick of us... you're
sick of yourself son
What is that supposed to mean?
How do you even know --
We've been following you for years Nate
... well, off and on
Huh?
What are you talking about?
We're not real, Nate
Okay... okay...
I officially don't have no idea
what's going on anymore!
We're your guardian angels, Nick
Hasn't that been obvious?
Yea... oh yea.... real obvious
Pretty much seems like the
opposite of that to me
Yeah. you're right. Now it all makes sen
why I've had such a crappy life
I've had two of the worst guardian
angels in the world
You guys are ---
Anyway!
After watching you for the past 24 hours
it's pretty clear that you're depressed
And we needed to do something
Gee thanks, like I haven't heard about
my depression like 20 times today
That's 'cause we haven't been there for
you and ignored our responsibilities
Deep down. We just want
the best for you Nate
Wait ..
You said the last 24 hours ...
How were you there for me last night?
We did all of this to help you
Help? Help?
How is being trapped in this
crazy situation helping me?
To give you a chance, son
A chance for what?
Change.
Son, you see life as a serious of ...
... unchanging, unfortunate events
Well, at least I can remember
what I did ten seconds ago
Huh??
It's not about him, Nate. It's about you
You walk around all sad and unhappy when
you have so much to be grateful for
You're healthy, you're alive --
I'm a walking embarrassment.
Can't do anything right...
... oh, and have the worst guardian ange
Yea ... my life is just great
See, its stuff like that.
Focusing on the negative
Okay, then how do I make myself happy
when I've lived such a crappy life?
Take the chance we are giving you!
Right ... and what is that?
Grow a pair of testicles
Live life! Make a damn change!
There's s pillowcase full of marijuana .
... a girl you're in love with and ...
... your life is on the line!
So grow a pair and do something!
AFter everything you've
been through today ...
... you can get through whatever
life has to throw at you.
So embrace that ...
... dumbass!
You never know what will
happen when you do
Yea ...
Yea .. you know what--
You are right
that's like the only thing I haven't don
Wait, I'm confused though ...
... I know that I have to change, I just
don't know how to do all that sutff
When the time comes you'll know... I thi
Good luck Nate. I believe in you
Thanks
So what do we do know besides
you not killing me
I'm going to find my bullets
and you better ind my shit
or I'm going to kill your
ass when I get back
But --
Catch you later baby, I"m out.
Shit ...
If I had the dick the size
of half a grape...
... where would I put that pillowcase?
[ Music by: NOTWOLFY ]
[ children playing ]
[ glimmer shine ]
Halt! Oh and I forgot to tell you. We're
not actually you're guardian angels
Do you believe in unicorns too?
I've just being doing some
community service
by taking this old dude to the park
... or maybe we are.
The boss said not to tell him
Well... whatever you guys are
I just want to say thank you
I couldn't have done it without you
[ hip hop score ]
Oh ....
Hi ...
Uh, sup dude ...
Any luck finding it yet?
Nope. You?
Who knew finding a pillowcase filled
with weed would be so hard?
Yea... you know, almost
as hard as my penis
[ awkward silence ]
Sorry, I was trying to be funny
... that was a really bad joke
Sorry for bailing on you, dude
It's alright. I'm sorry too
Wait, what ?
Well... I've been doing some thinking
-- you know, the past
couple of minutes and
... and I've realized how ignorant
I've been to things my entire life
I've been stuck in my head,
where it sucks.
And I can't do anything to change it
What are you talking about?
Everything! Everything!!!
Everything since last night has shown
me just how wrong I've been living
For example; I've been so infatuated wit
getting the hopes of your love that ...
... I had no idea that you were
using me to get to your drugs
Just like I'm always thinking
about the things I don't have
Oh! And then there's that pillowcase thi
Which I now realized it was the only spa
i need tin order to change my life
I could have easily done what I always d
... and said "screw it!"
"Forget about it" !
but then, I would've have
regretted it for hours
But now, I see that life
is way more exciting
when you embrace the beauty
of it's surprises
It's definitely a life worth living
Dude, that dope and all but why are
you telling me all of this ?
Because "you".
You ...
You helped me change
And you can help me continue to change
Why me? What do I have to do
with changing your life?
I don't know ...
Maybe it's your whole " I don't
give a crap" attitude or ...
... the fact that you're mean to everyon
... or how you're always
screwing up or ---
Get to the point!
I guess, what I'm trying
to say is just ...
... being with you
brings out the best possible version of
I can step out side of this stupid, wimp
scared persona that's I've given myself
I mean, I smoked marijuana with you...
I would never normally do that
-- like what? Me? No!
I saw a guy get almost frickin' shot!
And none of it would have happened,
if it weren't for you
Uh... Cameron... if I --
--- find your marijuana...
... will you --
Jesus, no! What the -- ?
I was going to say "help
me continue to change "
Then why did you get on one knee ?
I uh -- had a cramp
You got a deal weirdo.
Oww... . thanks
Whoa! Whoa! What the fuck dude?
I was uh... trying out my new lifestyle
Too much too soon?
You can't just lick someone's
face like that!
[ glimmer shine ]
No friggin' way!
Is that what I think it is?
Holy fuck, that's it!!!
[ glimmer shine ]
Holy shit dude, it's still here!!
I can't believe it , thank you so much!!
Nate... thank you so much for everything
Thank you, I can't say it enough
I'm a little pissed that you took it
in the first place but thank you --
Thank you for everything. I don't
know what I can do to repay you
Thank you Nate.
Anything for you.
Haha... I'm just happy you got
what you wanted Cameron.
You know I searched the
whole park for you.
Freeze! LAPD!
Ya'll under the arrest for the possessio
of marijuana and intent to distribute
Got you sweetheart! You're going
to jail for a long time!
Turn around! You're going to
spend the night in county
God... you smell like shit for a Narc
I was committing to my character
You can't arrest her for that!
That pot isn't hers
She did say it was "her shit"
.. and it is in her hands, isn't it?
Home base, officer dirty dick --
Haha!!
I didn't pick my own undercover name
That's even worse!
I didn't make this name up
Hahahahah!!!
Seriously... that means your dirty dick
You are not the one to talk
in this department pal
And you. I finally got you.
I knew it was you the whole time
Good job dude, it only
took you the whole day
And you... I would've be arresting you
if I knew your role in this operation.
Clearly you're not a drug dealer
You're coming to get booked
sister. Come on Blondie!
What the fuck???!!
Oh hell no!
Freeze! Don't move!
I'm packing now, bitch!
I found your weed!
I think it's a little late for
that now, don't you think?
Wait!
What the hell??
If you're going to shoot them , you're
going to have to shoot me first
I used to want this moment to happen...b
now that it's here...
I'm kind of scared...
I don't know what I'm doing
but .. .it feels right
Plus, I know that I don't
want to be alive...
... if she weren't
Cute speech bitch
This is for Ned!!!
Ahhhh!!!
GFreeze dirtbag!
What the fuck is going on?
-Got you Byron! - Hi-yah!!
-What now bitch?
Don't you dare move!
Wow. You guy really are my guardian ange
I don't know
Come on!
Good job, partner
Detective, you smell like shit
Just playing my part, sir
You actually smell like
dog shit, like if --
-- if the dog ate Taco Bell the night
before, that's what you smell like
Roger that, roger that sir.
You smell like a fucking porter potty
Silence!!!
Yea... he's not wrong. Stay out
of the station for a while
Com on, Flavor-flav, let's go!
You know, I'd give you a pretty damn goo
hug right now if I wasn't handcuffed
Well ... it's a good thing I'm not
Yea, I hate to break up
this weird little moment
but it's time for your ride downtown
For some obvious questioning
Whoa! You can't do that
to her. Not this time!
Yea, I can. Listen glasses --
This isn't some romantic comedy where
you think you're Ben Stiller
This is real life. And she broke the law
Well I hope to see you when
all of this is done
You will
And in case we don't --
Okay, we're done here
Oh come on man! Wait --
Seriously? We were this
close...we -- just --
[ inner voice ] : Haha! We are
totally going to smash that
What?! No
Yea ... okay, maybe
Wait! Cameron!!!
You bald looking Night Court
motherfucker, get off me!!!
Yep. I know... life tough. It's tough
There you go, there you go
Who's smell like garbage now?
Talking about me all day, uh huh?
Get in the car 'cause
you're going downtown
Pay back's a bitch, ain't it, uh huh
Cameron, wait!
Cameron, listen ...
Next time ...
Next time you see me I
won't be such a pansy
Dude, you took a bullet for me.
You're officially stripped of your
label of "world's biggest pussy"
I know. You're right. Except
there's one more thing ..
Would you wanna go out with me?
This mother -- psshh..
You know, whenever you're out of the joi
Dude... I'm never out of joints
but sure
My nigga Nate
Alright we're done here...
Enough of this hallmark shit little Rome
[ police radio ] : Suspect in custody
[ glimmer shine ]
Good job, Nate. You did it
... you passed the test
You're my guardian angel too?
Me neither!
Well, whatever you guys are...
I wanna say thank you
You literally saved my life
You're welcome and now...
... you're saving you're own life
Later Nate.
[ teenagers laugh ]
I caught it .
Nice try bitches
Oh yeaa ooo yea... -- yea, yea, yea
Doesn't change the fact that
you still have a baby dick
Ooo yea -- Oooo yea, yea, yea, yea
Still dance like a bitch.
Ooo yea -- Oooo yea
Ooo yea -- Oooo yea -- dance
it out! dance it out!!!
Yous the bitch ... [ robot noises ]
I'm the man [ robot noises ]
Did you just call my son a bitch????
Get him Mom!!!
You're not getting away this time!
No lady, you're crazy!!!
I can run all day if I have to!
I didn't do anything!
Run Nate! Run!!!
[ laughter ]
[ A Walk in the Park ]
[ End Credits : Blooper Reel ]
[ End Credits : Blooper Reel ]
[ End Credits : Blooper Reel ]
[ Artists Digital Lab ]
Byron : My wig came off..
[ laughter from cast and crew ]
[ Marquito Productions ]