Adam Ray is Dr. Phil Unleashed (2024) Movie Script
1
Jelly Roll. What's up, my brother?
- Hey, yo, Rock.
- What's cooking, baby?
God, I gotta stop sayin' that.
Did you hear about
Adam Ray's new Dr. Phil special?
I didn't, but I also blocked his ass
on Instagram months ago.
Why, what's goin' on?
Netflix gave Adam Ray a Dr. Phil special!
Yeah, I saw some of that bullshit online.
I gotta tell you, it's pretty funny.
Yo, I think he needs to hear about this.
Hear about what?
Adam Ray is dressing up like you
for a Netflix special.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughing]
[upbeat music continues]
[music ends]
- [audience] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
- [female AI voice] Four, three, two...
[rock music playing]
Whoa
Whoa
Whoa
[music continues]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
make it loud for the man you came to see.
Are you ready?
Here he comes.
Give it up for Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering]
[inaudible]
[audience cheering loudly]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering, whistling]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering]
Comedy Store, make some
motherfucking noise
if you're excited to be alive tonight.
Who's excited for Dr. Phil Live?
Holy shit. You're blowing
the roof off this place.
Look at all the titties and beards.
You guys are a good one.
You can take a seat.
That's good.
I love you, sir.
We're excited to be here.
This is a fun energy.
I'll take it from here, sir.
[audience laughs]
Tonight's show is
all about imitation. Okay?
Webster's Dictionary, uh, defines
that as something made to look,
uh, like something else. Okay?
My wife Robin is always trying to get me
to, uh, imitate celebrities
when we have trouble
getting into restaurants.
She always says, "Go with Nicolas Cage."
"No one denies Cage shit,"
she always says.
Uh, so I'll call up a restaurant
and go, uh...
[imitating Cage, breathy]
"Ah, ah, ah, ah."
"I need a table for two."
"Ah, 7:30."
"Ah, by the window!"
[audience laughing]
We get right in and have ourselves
some shrimp cocktail.
[audience laughs]
But you know, life is throwing
a lot of curveballs at us, left and right.
I can see a lot of helpless souls
in the crowd tonight,
looking to try to figure things out,
put one foot in front of the other.
People that are struggling
with the idea of who they are
and where they wanna be.
Uh, sir, with the nice stache
and the wrist tattoos.
What's your name, sir?
- Eric.
- Eric, let's go.
- He smoked weed.
- [Adam] He smoked...
What are you, his sponsor?
What's goin' on?
Why are you outing him in the front row?
And what are you on?
- What's your name?
- Everything.
You're on everything? Oh shit.
We got time.
Let's go down the list real quick.
[audience laughs]
Tylenol PM?
[audience laughs]
- Plan B? Gushers?
- [audience laughing]
You got some Gushers inside you?
Some Gushers juice?
Skittles? Okay.
- Go-GURT.
- [Adam] Go-GURT? [chuckles]
Eric just said Go-GURlike he's a ten-year-old boy.
[audience laughs]
[giggling] "Go-GURT."
[audience laughs]
Eric, where do you get a Go-GURT in 2024?
Be honest with me.
- Sometime tonight, player. Yeah.
- Staples.
- Staples?
- [audience laughs]
Eric, are you retarded? What's goin' on?
Are you supposed to be here right now?
Where's your dad?
What do you do for work, Eric?
Uh, composite lamination
for federal contracts.
Yeah. You're making this all up.
That's fine.
- [audience laughing]
- Let's go to this side of the room.
What's your name, with the mask on?
And I appreciate
the safety concern, right?
Never "whoever smelt it, dealt it," right?
You ain't tryin' to be a victim
of that crime.
- What's your first name?
- Chase.
Chase? Let's go. Like the bank, yeah?
[audience laughs]
- Say it again.
- Unfortunately.
"Unfortunately." Okay. Well, okay.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- [audience laughs]
We're always trying
to make upgrades in our life,
and Chase was born into a life
that he didn't want. Okay?
His parents... I'm assuming
named you Chase, right?
You could've been Wells Fargo.
- [audience laughs]
- That would've sucked.
You would've fucking hanging out
with Eric over here, right?
[audience laughs]
Chase, what do you do for work?
Uh, I'm, uh... I work
at an advertising agency, basically.
Chase, what is it that you dream about?
You're in advertising,
but it seems like there's other
aspirations floating around inside of you.
Maybe a stable relationship
with my family.
Maybe a stable relationship
with your family?
[audience] Aww.
- We'll be right back.
- [audience laughs]
[all cheering]
Had to.
You knew it was coming.
You knew it was coming.
We had to take a commercial break.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh over here.
Fucking sadness table for one.
Goddammit, Chase. Way to suck
the fucking vibe out of the room,
nine minutes into the show.
[audience laughs]
Keep it going for Chase.
That guy has got a lot of good stuff
ahead of him.
[audience cheering]
Lot of good times are awaiting Chase.
And I can't wait to see, uh...
I can't wait to see what happens.
Eric, you okay? Was that-- Yeah.
What was girl's name?
What's your name, sweetheart?
- Darcy.
- Darcy. That's right.
- How long you guys been together?
- A little over five years.
Let's go. Where did you meet?
- Online. Fuckin' A!
- [Adam] Fuckin' A, yeah.
What is the best trait about yourself?
How about that?
Whoo! I'm open-minded.
- You're open-minded. Okay.
- [Eric] Yeah.
That goes for everything
with Darcy as well, yeah?
- Fuckin' right.
- [Adam] Fuckin' right. Yeah.
Okay.
[audience laughs]
I don't think
I like your fucking attitude right now,
if I'm being perfectly honest here.
It feels like you're kind of coming at me
with some sort of
gibberish and rubberish, okay?
It feels like something that
you've kinda been pulling off today.
- Maybe in the last couple of days.
- [audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering, applauding]
I, um... [exhales]
I don't think
I like your fuckin' attitude.
- [audience cheering]
- [mic thuds]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Who are you?
[audience laughs]
Who am I, bitch? Who are you?
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering, applauding]
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
We'll be right back.
[all laugh]
[audience cheering]
Fuck that shit.
We're gonna keep it right here.
Take a seat.
Guys, keep it goin' for Phil McGraw.
Here he is, right here.
Take a seat for me, Phil.
Take a seat for me.
There you go.
Phil, it's good to see you.
Appreciate you being here.
I'm sure you do.
- [Adam laughs]
- [audience laughs]
I'm sure this was exactly
how you planned this evening.
I guess... What are your hobbies
when you're not, uh... you know?
Well, if you had done your homework,
you would know.
Okay. Tennis. Being a dick.
[audience laughing]
Um...
- Fucking Christ!
- That's, um...
Excuse me.
That's Dr. Dick to you.
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
You're gonna make my mustache fall off.
[audience laughs]
You can keep yours on.
So, I'll ask the questions.
I love that.
So, how... how did... What did... Why did you...
Why did you start this?
- I mean...
- [audience laughs]
It's a good question.
What, are you trying
to get laid or something?
- What are you...
- [audience laughs]
Yep.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Well, how's that working for you?
- It's not.
- Yeah.
[audience laughs]
Takes more than just the look, right?
Yeah, you gotta have the vibe, the walk,
the strut, the confidence, right?
- Yeah.
- You're big on confidence.
We talk about that in our book
We've Got Issues.
[audience laughs]
- [audience cheering]
- Chapter... chapter two through five.
I see a couple of copies
in the audience tonight.
[Dr. Phil] Yeah. You see, the thing is,
that's, uh...
Were there two of them out there?
- [Adam laughs]
- That's...
That's two out of 70 million.
- [Adam laughs]
- [scattered laughter]
Have you seen Oppenheimer?
[audience laughs]
I have.
Yeah. Are you a big movie guy?
It's tough to... It's tough to fit in fun
during a busy schedule, you know?
Coming here, right?
Leaving here. You know?
[audience laughs]
- Yeah, I'm gonna stay awhile.
- You're gonna stay?
- Yeah, I wanna see...
- [audience laughs]
Hey... No.
Ain't nobody mad about that.
Now... Now...
Le-- Let me ask you all honestly.
Can-- [laughs]
Seriously. Seriously.
Can he do me?
[audience] Yeah!
[all cheering]
Can he do me?
[cheering continues]
It's more than just the look, I mean...
[audience laughs]
Right, it's... it's the...
Well, let me get up how you got up.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
You walk dick out and I love that.
- [audience laughs]
- That's a power move.
Now-- But can... can he do me?
- I mean, does he know?
- [audience] Yes!
- Okay.
- Has he... Has he done his homework?
You come from this...
You come from Texas, Oklahoma area.
- Sure. Yeah.
- Do you know...
Do you know what things mean?
Uh, this feels like a racist riddle
you're setting me up for.
[audience laughing]
Who here is from Texas or Oklahoma?
Raise your hand.
[man] Whoo.
- Oh. Three--
- Okay.
- Thanks for coming out.
- Three.
- So we are in a bubble here. Okay.
- Yeah.
All right. Interpret this saying.
Okay.
You gotta lick that calf over again.
Well, this is a fun game
I didn't realize I was getting into.
[laughs]
You gotta lick that calf over again.
What's that mean?
That means, uh... That means if...
You have no idea what it means.
Well, can I finish
my fucking thought, Phil?
[audience laughs]
- Jesus--
- No, you talk slower than I do.
- You gotta get to the point.
- [all laugh]
You gotta lick that calf over.
That means you gotta get up,
dust yourself off and try again.
[scattered laughter]
- [man] Whoo.
- [woman] Yeah.
Look, this is chess, not checkers.
You gotta...
You gotta actually think about this.
- Okay, okay.
- Let's not--
You know. You've got people in Oklahoma.
Yeah, yeah. Lick a calf's twat...
[audience laughing]
No, lick a calf...
lick a calf to make it... [clicks tongue]
What-- Yeah.
When a mother has a calf--
She has to lick it and bring it back to...
No, she licks it
from one end to the other,
and if there's anything wrong with it,
she walks off and leaves it.
So when you're in business,
you're talking to somebody
and they say, "No, this deal's okay."
They go, "Uh, you gotta lick
that calf over again."
- You gotta review the paperwork.
- Make sure there's nothing wrong.
You gotta dot your i's and cross your t's.
There you go.
Great. One for one. There we go.
Okay. Cool.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- My man. My man.
Now, next time I'm looking on YouTube
and I see something,
you better start using this.
If you're gonna do me, you gotta do me.
You're right. Okay.
So now, uh... Now how about, uh...
Give me one that...
Do you have one that... that you improvise
on stage during your show?
You ever come up with a phrase
and you're like, "Fuck, that was good."
[chuckles]
'Cause I heard you say, like, uh...
"There's no... There's like...
There's two sides to a pancake." Right?
[audience laughs]
I once saw you say to some bitch...
You were like, uh...
There was a mom
and her daughter was being all real,
you know, just real
spazzy-bedazzy. You know?
The daughter was like, you know,
"I don't smoke weed."
And the mom was like,
"Yeah, you do. I gave it to you."
And you were like, "Both of you, shut up."
Right? And then...
But you said it in a nice way.
And then you said, "Hey, tell me, Mom,
where did she get the weed from?"
The Mom goes, "I don't wanna tell you."
And you said,
"I didn't come 90% of the way
to get 10% of the information."
That's what you said.
I fucking stood up and applauded.
And took my pants... It was an exciting day.
[audience laughs]
It felt like you shot that one
from the hip.
But was that a designed, strategic phrase?
You know, I... I don't have a script.
So I never know what I'm gonna say
until they say what they say.
- Got you.
- So it's all made up.
- I'm sorry to say.
- [audience laughs]
I mean, that's the way to do it.
Well, that just goes to show
you're a good listener, right?
Yeah. You gotta listen.
I never know
what they're gonna say. Trust me.
And every time I think I've heard it all,
I walk out there and say,
"Oh shit, no, I haven't.
[all laugh]
Do you go on the Internet?
[audience laughing]
Hold that thought. We'll be right back.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[Adam] No, we'll keep it right here.
We'll keep it right here.
No, th-- that's how I found you.
- Okay.
- On the Internet.
Somebody called and said,
"Have you seen this guy on the Internet?"
What was your first thought?
Um, I thought,
"I don't have time to look at this shit."
[all laughing]
- Touch.
- Uh-- No.
No, then my son Jordan said,
"No, you really should look at this."
And I looked at it and, um, I thought,
"This guy is really funny."
I have to admit.
I thought it was absolutely hilarious.
[audience cheering, applauding]
I'm serious.
Appreciate it.
[Dr. Phil] Um...
What if I just started crying,
looking like this, in front of real Phil?
[laughs]
Yeah, well, it's...
You know, you gotta throw darts.
Life is all about just trying. You know?
I mean, I know that you...
I know that you subscribe to that, right?
It's starting a new network.
I mean, it's always...
You've been active in the business
for... for quite some time,
so it's a big venture to go,
"I'm gonna start
an entirely new project." Right?
Yeah. Um,
I'm supposed to be, like, retired
and sitting around the house or something.
Robin said, "That ain't happening."
- Robin said, "No"?
- She said, "No, that's not happening."
- Fuckin' Robin.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
Uh, I'm gonna make a note
and tell her you said that.
No-- [laughs]
[Dr. Phil] Let me see.
You can do it later. It's fine.
- It's 8:55...
- [laughing] 8:55.
...when you derogated my wife.
- [laughs]
- Okay, got it. Okay.
Wait, now you've been married--
It's been what? 40--
Forty-eight years.
Guys, give it up. 48 years.
That's an exciting time.
[audience cheering]
- And there is a secret to that.
- I was gonna ask.
There is a secret to that.
And I... I learned it,
maybe eight, ten years into it.
And that is, when she says, "What?"
It isn't that she didn't hear you.
[laughs]
She's given you a chance
to change what you've said,
and you better, by God, take it.
It's not that she didn't hear you.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, it's just she's given you--
She's letting you
step around the grenade, right?
Yeah, one time.
She's given you one shot
and you better take it.
You better throw yourself on that grenade,
and say, "Oh, no, no.
It's not you. No, no."
Yeah. "No, no, no. That was Pornhub."
"That-- That was our son's laptop. Yeah."
Now, is there a time though?
Like, you gotta pick your battles.
Is that a real thing or no?
She's had your babies and...
and, uh, you...
you just don't want to go there.
Yeah. Our babies. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
What's your favorite color?
[smacking lips] Why?
- Just trying--
- What made you ask that?
W-- Well, uh...
What would you do
with the information if you had it?
[audience cheering, applauding]
Well, seeing as how you're dressed
like a waiter
at the Olive Garden right now,
I would say it's black.
But if push came to shove,
I'd strike you as a navy blue guy.
[audience laughing]
I feel like navy blue, you wear it well.
I think I've seen you in blue suits.
I've seen us in blue suits. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
Well, my favorite color
is navy blue.
[audience cheering, applauding]
When you're flying around, right,
uh, around the country, doing press
for the book, for the network,
do you... do have a...
You know, travelling always,
I think, creates habits.
Okay? You gotta find a routine.
Do you have a routine food or snack wise?
That's one of my favorite things
to know about people.
You can learn a lot about somebody,
uh, based on what sort
of munch and crunch they're taking down.
Are you a Pop-Tart guy,
or a Crustable guy,
or a... an untrustable guy?
[audience laughs]
I actually do have a favorite snack.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- I ain't telling you.
- [laughing] Okay.
Well, let's play a little game called
"What's my favorite snack?"
All right.
- I get three guesses, okay?
- Okay. Go.
- Uh...
- Nope.
[all laugh]
What else?
Dai... [laughs]
Uh, Dairy Queen Blizzard.
- Nope.
- Okay.
Uh, chocolate bar.
- What?
- [audience laughs]
What, are you born in the '20s?
They have names now like Hershey's,
and Snickers, and...
Okay.
"Chocolate bar."
What-- "I'd like a chocolate bar, please."
What?
"I'd like a chocolate bar."
What-- Uh-- What?
[audience cheering]
[Dr. Phil] Um...
I just watched...
rewatched Willy Wonka
& the Chocolate Factory last night,
and Charlie Bucket, super poor...
His last name's fucking Bucket.
[audience laughs]
...wandered into the store and said,
"Can I have a chocolate bar, sir?"
So, sorry if I'm fucking, you know,
stuck in the '20s, bitch.
[Dr. Phil] So you were...
Hershey's, Snickers, Reese's Pieces...
What time were you watching
Willy Wonka last night?
Guess.
[audience laughs]
Not so fun, is it?
- Uh, what did you...
- [audience laughing]
What...
Now what I want to know is,
what did you turn down
to watch Willy Wonka last night?
2 Girls 1 Cup.
[audience laughs]
[cheering, applauding]
You happy? You... You got your answer.
- You'd already seen that.
- [laughs]
[audience laughing]
You're good.
Yeah.
- You have no idea.
- [laughs]
I'm having a good time.
- Yeah?
- It's fun.
You've been to The Comedy Store before?
I've been here...
I've been here once a long time ago.
A good friend of mine,
Ron White, was here.
Give it up for Ron White.
That's a living legend right there.
[audience cheering]
That's a good guy with a good heart.
- He is a good guy.
- Uh...
Yeah, funny. You know, it's, uh...
it's not an easy thing to come out
and just swing like this and...
and hit home runs, you know?
Have you always trusted yourself
in the comedy world?
'Cause, on the show,
you're not trying to be funny, right?
Just happens.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Yeah.
I'm, um...
You know, I just do me.
I... I don't know.
I don't try to be one way or the other.
But you know what?
People ask me questions.
They ask questions.
They need to be ready to hear the answers,
the way I figure it.
And if they like, they like it.
If they don't, they don't.
I was looking for something to do,
I had to do it.
[audience cheering]
That's what's up.
And, uh...
Don't... Don't we feel that way?
We feel... [laughs] Yeah, we do.
[audience laughs]
But we have to.
It's a changing... an ever-changing world.
Yeah. Look, you gonna
piss somebody off all the time,
so you might as well do what you want.
[audience cheering]
Boy, ain't that the truth.
I have that tattooed on my lower back.
Do you?
That's your tramp stamp?
- That's my tramp stamp.
- [all laugh]
Okay. Got it.
A day off for Phil looks like...
What, Six Flags or a Dave & Buster's?
Are you a big-- Are we a Skee-Ball guy?
You know?
No, you know, I'm kind of a loner,
kinda homebody type.
I... I get some time
where I don't have shit to do.
- Yeah.
- I can get...
You'd be surprised how worthless I can get
if you give me a couple of days off.
I mean, I...
Seriously, I'm like a lizard on a rock.
- I... I just...
- That's what I'm talking about.
That... That felt like a made-up saying
right there.
A lizard on a rock.
No, I mean, have you ever watched
a lizard on a rock?
No. I got better shit to do.
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Have you seen TV?
- No, you obviously don't,
or you wouldn't be here in that suit
pretending to be me.
[audience cheering, applauding]
- I hear you.
- Yeah.
[audience laughs]
I am a big zoo guy though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So, lizard on a rock...
I know they got
a reptile category at the zoo,
but I'm more of a gorilla...
Ever see a gorilla just fire off a load
in front of a kid?
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah.
Now, I... I have to say
that's still on my bucket list.
[all laugh]
I'll send you a link.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
Um, I know we got a lot of people out here
that came out to enjoy the show,
but there's also people
dealing with some issues.
They're on the struggle bus.
They got a one-way ticket
to "What the fuck's going on?"
- Did you say "struggle bus"?
- Struggle bus, yeah.
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
- Do you give advice at these shows?
- [chuckles]
Hold that thought, Phil. Uh, does anybody...
Does anybody have anything
they'd like to get off their chest?
What's that?
- Oh shit. Oh my fuckin' God.
- [audience cheering]
Oh my fuckin' God.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- [cheering continues]
Sweet mother of God.
This... Oh!
Oh my God.
[laughing] Oh, Jesus Christ.
This is everything
I was hoping for and more.
Dear God.
What in God's name?
Gabe, haven't you been
on this show before?
I have. I did the same thing last time.
[audience laughs]
- And how did it work out for you?
- [in singsong] I'm back.
[audience laughs]
Well, Gabe, you came on the show,
I think, with Andrew Santino
and Bobby Lee,
and you ripped it up
just like you did just now.
Why are you back?
You told me that if I believed in myself,
my dreams would come true.
And that was a fucking lie
'cause it didn't come true.
Well, what are you...
Phil, you got any questions?
[audience laughs]
Well, I sure have more questions
than answers.
[audience laughs]
This guy seems like he actually...
may actually have some talent.
[audience cheering]
Oh shit. Oh my God.
We'll get-- Okay.
All right, Dances with Wolves.
All right. Yup.
Gabe, Gabe-- Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ!
What move is that? That...
This feels like the horny ghost
that was stealing my granola bars.
Gabe, hold on for a-- Hey...
[chuckling] Okay.
What is your dream, by the way?
You said I didn't help you pursue it.
What is it?
I wanted to breakdance in the Olympics.
[audience laughing]
You're in the right city.
That's right. They're gonna be here.
They're coming here next.
Gabe, do you wanna audition
for the Los Angeles Olympics
right here, right now?
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Oh, come on.
[audience cheering]
[man] Gabe! Gabe!
Hit it, DJ!
[dance music playing]
[rhythmic clapping]
- [audience cheering]
- Holy shit!
Okay.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
He did it, guys.
Keep it goin' for Gabe. There he goes.
There he goes.
Gabe, I fuckin' love you, player.
Guys, keep it goin' for Gabe.
He's Olympic bound in Los Angeles.
And guys, one more time
for the real Dr. Phil.
Here he goes, baby. Phil McGraw.
All right, guys.
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering]
We will be right back.
- Oh shit.
- [audience cheering]
Don't go anywhere. We'll be back.
[upbeat music playing]
[inspirational music playing]
[narrator] Have you ever felt the moon?
Or listened to the heartbeat of a lion?
In every space of time we live,
searching, standing,
breathing.
The moment your mind escapes the truth.
When passion follows the dream.
And worlds collide.
Touching, feeling,
hoping.
Have a sip of nature's dripping love.
Only God knows why
the waves blow in the wind,
the sea sounds in dreams.
[music continues]
Who can tell us why we know
what we do, when we do.
I get knocked down,
but I get up again,
and again, and again,
and again.
Love is the ultimate prize.
The smell of confidence.
LP cologne. Put a little man in you.
[audience cheering]
Holy shit.
Guys, your next guest
on the Dr. Phil Live show...
Uh, you might recognize from TV shows
like King of Queens, A.P. Bio,
Parks and Rec--
Maybe movies like Young Adult,
The Secret Life of Pets, Ghost Busters.
Uh, his countless stand-up specials.
And, of course, my favorite...
He's the voice
of motherfucking Ratatouille.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for the one and only Patton Oswalt.
Here he comes right now.
[rock music playing]
[audience cheering]
Here we go.
Guys, Patton Oswalt. There he is.
- Make some noise for him.
- Hi, guys. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
What a gangster. Living legend.
How you doin'? You feelin' good?
Uh, yeah. I'm feeling
a little shaky right now
just from-- I think all of us,
feeling a little surreal.
But, um, I think we're gonna...
What would be your advice to me right now?
I'm a little out of sorts.
Do I roll with it? What do I do?
Patton, is Ratatouille based
on a true story?
- [audience laughs]
- Um...
You narrated one of my favorite shows.
- The Goldbergs.
- Thank you.
Guys, give it up for The Goldbergs
and Patton Oswalt.
A great show with
a great message and a great family.
Yeah.
And I just got so jealous watching that.
I was like, "Fuck, I would love--"
It's one of my... my bucket list items,
to have you narrate any part of my life.
Oh. All right.
So, if you don't mind,
I'd love to throw up some sweet music
that I picked to be my soundtrack,
and you can just kinda
casually Goldberg it up
and... and narrate my day-to-day.
And I'll just kinda fart around here
and you just kinda describe
what's goin' on.
- Is that cool?
- Okay. Here we go. Absolutely.
All right. Hit me with
some "feel alive" music, Stephen.
You got something to--
- [lively music playing]
- Oh my gosh.
- We'll start with me in bed.
- Okay. [smacks lips]
It was September 19th,
nineteen eighty-something,
and Dr. Phil was waking up
with the crack of dawn.
The sun came through the slats
of his Venetian blinds
as he did his five Tibetan rituals
that he did every morning
to wake himself up.
[audience laughing]
This morning, they morphed
into the Macarena.
And he would take that Latin energy
straight into the kitchen
where he made his usual breakfast
of...
a room-temperature Michelob.
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
The fizziness and the carbs
ru-- rush right to his brain.
And suddenly, he had an idea.
An amazing segment that he would do
on the Dr. Phil show that day.
He couldn't wait to call his producer
and tell him what this segment would be.
But first...
But first...
[audience laughing]
...he had to login online
and see if there were any...
and see if there were
any local fetish clubs
that combined...
[clicks tongue]
...both pony play...
and squirting.
[audience laughing]
Alas, once he hit enter,
there were only 710 hits.
So, he looked in the mirror
and said, "Dr. Phil,
people need to hear what you have to say."
"People need to hear
what you have to give."
"And most of all,
people need the strength
that you put out
in the world."
[all cheering]
[music ends]
- Holy shit. That was fuckin'...
- Wow. That was...
I almost started crying. I'm not...
- Yeah.
- That was un--
God, you're so good at that.
Thank you. Yeah.
I... I do a lot of voiceover.
- You mentioned trivia.
- Uh-oh.
And you're a guy
that knows a lot about a lot.
- Okay?
- I do.
And one thing I know
that you really love is Star Wars.
I do love Star Wars.
I know you do.
- I love Star Wars.
- Who else loves Star Wars?
Any Star Wars people?
Well, please welcome George Lucas--
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh. What the--
Wouldn't that be fuckin' cool?
At this point, that would not surprise me.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- At all.
Now, I want to play a little game
'cause I know you probably know more
about Star Wars
than anybody that I know.
I want to test your knowledge
in Star Wars.
- Cool?
- Okay.
In a little game, uh--
In a little game we'd like to call
"Hey, Patton, what do you know--"
"Do you know this about Star Wars?"
[game intro music plays]
- That was fucking 30 bucks well spent.
- I'm sorry. That--
That... That sentence has a theme sting?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- All right.
- All right.
So first question here.
Uh, where did Obi-Wan take Luke
after his birth?
Where did he take Luke after his birth?
Oh. He took him to Tatooine.
No. The answer's Arby's.
- Now--
- Oh.
[audience laughs]
- Oh for one. Uh... Patton...
- Goddamn.
It's all right. We got more.
Who are Kylo Ren's parents?
Kylo Ren's parents are
Han Solo and Princess Leia.
- No, it's Ben and Jerry. Uh, now...
- [audience laughs]
These are the facts.
- Wow.
- Uh, what is the name of Han Solo's ship?
Oh. The Millennium Falcon.
No. It's the Harrison Ford Fuck Mobile.
- Oh man!
- [audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
Which is also a great name
for a Cher cover band.
That would be. Oh wow.
What was, uh...
What-- Where was Yoda's home
in his final years?
Oh, um, the swamp planet of Dagobah.
- No. It was Boca Raton, Florida.
- Oh.
He was retired with a bunch of hot Jews.
- Damn.
- Um...
Uh, who killed Jabba?
[imitating Yoda] Shuffleboard, I'll play.
- All right. Sorry.
- [laughs]
Um, say it again.
That deserved more laughter.
Fuck you, guys.
- [all laugh]
- He did a Yoda.
He did Yoda as an old Jew in Florida.
Exactly. Yeah.
[laughs]
- My man. My man.
- Thank you, my friend.
Uh, okay. What species is Chewbacca?
[clicks tongue] He's a Wookiee.
Okay.
Can you do an impression of a Wookiee?
[trilling]
[audience cheering, applauding]
That is pretty good.
Now, what--
Can we cut that?
I don't want people seeing my O face.
[all laughing]
That's just for my wife.
- Yeah. [laughs]
- All right.
- You're a good man.
- Okay.
Now, do you make that-- [laughs]
Do you make that noise
when it's happenin'?
Uh, I make that noise
when I'm ramping up to it.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
- Yeah, mine's pretty standard.
- Yeah? What is... What's yours?
Aah!
[audience laughs]
[Patton] I'm sorry.
Are you surprised when you cum?
[laughing]
Does it creep up on you?
[laughing] Man.
Yeah, it's... [laughs]
I'm not with my wife.
I'm just having breakfast.
- Oh, okay. [laughs]
- Guys, Patton Oswalt.
- Let him hear it. The great Patton Oswalt.
- Thank you.
- [cheering]
- You're a legend. You're a living legend.
- I love you for being here.
- Thank you.
One more time for Patton Oswalt.
Let him hear it.
[audience cheering]
There he goes. The great Patton Oswalt.
The great Patton Oswalt
coming out for a couple of chuckles.
A couple of handshakes. Maybe a shoe.
I ordered something earlier.
Delivery.
Great. Okay. I ordered some Grubhub.
Holy shit, it's Joe Gatto
from Impractical Jokers.
- Oh my God.
- [audience cheering]
Hey.
- What's up, y'all? How are you?
- [all cheering]
- Um, this is--
- Are you... You're Ph...
- You're Phil?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm, uh... You're Grubhub?
- Yeah, Grubhub.
- Oh, okay.
This is my one single meatball?
That's what you ordered.
[Adam] How about this, Eric?
How about I'll tip Joe out,
but you gotta let him
feed you the meatball.
- [all cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah?
I think this is all gonna
go the way we all think it will.
[upbeat music playing]
Guys, keep it goin'
for Joe Gatto, everybody.
That's a great guy with a great plan
and a new special on YouTube right now.
One more time for Joe Gatto.
There he goes...
- [all cheering]
- ...off into the world.
Making friends one at a time.
You guys ready for more show?
I'm gonna keep this fuckin' train movin'.
Your next guest,
you know him from TV shows
like White Famous and The Masked Singer.
Movies like Spinning Gold, Ride Along,
uh, and Resort to Love.
He helped us feel better about ourselves,
making us laugh on Saturday Night Live
for six years.
And now he's here live in the flesh,
with a new stand-up special
and a lot of fun to give.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on Dr. Phil Live for the first time,
give it up for Jay Pharoah!
[R&B music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Jay Pharoah.
- Let him hear it. Here he is.
- [all cheering]
Making us feel better about ourselves.
- Goddamn. Look at you.
- Wow.
Look at that coat.
I wish I had the confidence
to wear a fuckin' coat like that.
Yeah, me too.
I have the confidence to wear
my seven-year-old nephew's clothes.
- [Adam laughs]
- Hell yeah!
You got all these fans
that submitted questions.
But you got one big fan live in the flesh.
And before we get out of here,
I told him. He wrote to me
and he said,
"I'm a big fan of Jay Pharoah."
- He's an actor here in Hollywood.
- Oh wow.
He's been typecasted in dramas only.
And he's tryin' to kinda switch over,
transition into a lighter,
more fun-filled,
maybe rom-com type situation.
- Okay.
- So I told him to come out.
Maybe we can give him some advice.
Maybe we can coach him through
on how he's dealing with the business.
And maybe we can get him
in the right direction towards success.
Are you guys ready for him?
Can I bring one more special guest
on the show?
[audience] Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
from The Lord of the Rings II and III...
Gollum, ladies and gentlemen.
[mischievous music playing]
[scoffs] What the fuck?!
[audience cheering]
[Jay] Ey, ey... [laughs]
This is a... This is a six-foot Hobbit.
That's crazy.
He... [laughs]
Holy shit.
[laughing]
[Adam] Ladies and gentlemen,
one more time for Gollum.
- He's here--
- [Jay] Fucking Gollum.
[audience cheering]
[Adam] Dear fucking Christ!
My precious!
[audience cheers]
- [Jay] Hi.
- Okay.
Now, when I was told there was an actor
that was wanting some advice, I didn't...
I thought it was gonna be like,
I don't know, Greg Kinnear or something.
[Jay mumbling, laughing]
Uh, what's up, Gollum?
Oh shit. You...
If you fucking shit on my stage,
I'm gonna be real mad about it.
I wanna do the rom-com.
I wanna... I wanna try different things.
[Adam laughing] You wanna do rom-coms?
You wanna do rom-coms?
You think you're getting stuck?
You're getting pigeonholed in dramas?
I think so.
[in raspy voice] Gollum, Gollum, Gollum.
- What the fuck is goin' on right now?
- I have no clue. Um...
I've been told
that you got two personalities.
- Is that true?
- [timidly] No.
[evilly] Yes.
[Jay laughs]
Well, how about this, Gollum?
How about we give you a shot, okay,
to be in a real life movie?
Yeah, let's do it.
I think it's only fair
that we give this guy a shot
to really, uh, see his dreams through.
Life is about throwing darts,
and sometimes they don't stick,
but sometimes just got through
a bigger dart.
So, how about this? Uh, I'm gonna...
Uh, Stephen, hit me
with some rom-com trailer music.
And how about this, Jay?
I'm gonna narrate a trailer
for a movie that Gollum will star in.
- Okay?
- Okay. All right.
Let's say he's playing the woman
in a rom-com,
and I'll pepper it in with guest stars
and I'll set you up for some impressions
to kinda fill out the movie. Sound good?
- Yep. Let's go.
- Okay, great.
[rom-com trailer music playing]
This summer...
[Jay laughs]
Cindy Daniels was a successful
New York businesswoman.
- [laughs]
- She had a cool family,
a dog, a fish,
a high-rise apartment.
But the only thing
she didn't have was love.
I just need a little bit of love.
Please?
Everywhere she went, people were like,
"What the fuck is that?"
[audience laughs]
Bars, gyms, rooftop barbecues,
all she wanted to do was
make a little small talk,
but the men had different ideas.
Like Ben, her boss.
Played by fuckin' Denzel Washington.
[audience laughs]
Um...
[imitating Denzel]
This ain't gonna happen. Okay? [laughs]
She got fired upon arrival,
her first day at work.
So Cindy did what any New Yorker would do.
She went online and matched with a new guy
who just moved into town as well.
Rob. Played by Eddie Murphy.
[imitating Eddie] Hey!
Now, I've never tried this before,
but I'm... I'm certainly interested.
[laughing]
- Will you give me a shot?
- I'll give you a whole bunch of shots.
What the hell you want?
[Jay laughs]
Rob and Cindy found love
in the most unex--
What are you doing?
- Rob and Cindy...
- [Jay] He's twerking.
...they went to an all-night rave
in Brooklyn
where they met Rob's brother.
Played by Jay-Z.
Rob's brother was the DJ at the nightclub
where Cindy and Rob hit it off.
[imitating Jay-Z] Yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yo. Hey, yo, hold on one second.
Is that, um...
Is that Dobby from Harry Potter?
[all laugh]
Shit. Keep the music going!
[laughing]
I would like to give you a BJ.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you know, chill out. Chill out, yeah.
You know, Beyonc is... She'll kill me.
[laughing] Yeah.
Things took a turn that night,
and Cindy tried to blow Rob
and his brother
at the DJ booth.
[laughing] What the fuck?
She got kicked out of the club.
[laughing] And went...
And went down the street
dancing like nothin' was wrong.
And that's where she met a homeless man.
Played by fuckin' Donald Trump.
And the homeless man gave her advice
that she was desperately in search of.
[imitating Trump] Listen,
I don't know what's happening.
[audience laughing, cheering]
But I'd like to say
to everybody out there,
they're eating your cats and your dogs.
[inhales deeply] They're eating them.
And I guess... I don't know what you are.
- You'll probably get eaten too.
- [audience laughs]
I would like to eat
a cat and a dog with you,
and I'll let you eat my cat. [snarls]
See, this is what happens
when the borders aren't controlled.
[sucks in air]
The homeless guy had some sound advice.
So Cindy went home that night
and thought long and hard
about who she wanted to end up with.
And that's when she got a knock
at her door.
It was her... her Uber Eats delivery driver.
Played by 50 Cent.
[imitating 50 Cent] Hey, um...
Hey, yo, you know...
Here's the... Here's the thing, like...
You know, you could...
You scaring the fuck out of me,
so you don't even have to pay for this.
It's yours, nigga.
[laughing]
So, Cindy... [laughs]
Cindy squashed two turkey paninis
back to back,
and thought to herself,
"How could life get any worse?"
So she took a couple of ZzzQuil gummies
and had a dream.
And she was met in that dream
by a guardian angel
who showed her exactly
what her next move should be.
And that angel was played by Chris Rock.
Wait. Hold on, baby.
Chris couldn't show up,
so, uh, I decided to come instead.
I hope you don't mind, my nigga.
But I'd like to say this.
Um, you gonna die some day, baby. Ow!
[laughs]
The angel was played
by Dave Chappelle, I think.
[all laughing]
[mumbling] That's what I was doing
whatever the fuck I said...
Gollum walks out of his apartment
and is met by a man with a business plan.
A businessman played by Robert Downey Jr.
[imitating Robert] Look,
I've been watching you from afar.
Watching what you're doing.
What you're doing is very admirable.
I'd like to offer you a five-year plan.
I'd like you to work for me.
I'm an agent for OnlyFans.
I think you could be our first client.
You could do it live. You're already
showing some back, some toes and knees--
Hey, hold on, Pepper.
Because there's a couple of things
we can talk about, bro.
Like, you know...
I mean, maybe he can work
for the Marvel Cinematic Universe,
but, you know,
be a billionaire philanthropist,
but I mean, right now, he's just Smagol.
So, yeah, we gotta
just take it at face value.
That's all. Yeah.
Cindy thought she wasn't gonna have a job,
but turns out she was hired
by both Black and white Robert Downey, Jr.
[Jay laughing]
This film has not been-- yet been rated.
Keep it goin' for Gollum, everybody!
- Holy shit. He finally did it.
- [cheering]
Congratulations, Gollum.
You just were in your first feature film.
Jay, thanks for support--
What are you doing?
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- [Jay] What the f--
[Adam] Oh my God.
No. No. What is that?
- What the fuck? What are you doing?
- Yo. That's a real fucking fish.
[Adam] That's a real fish.
What are you doing? What's this?
- [Jay] He's being--
- Okay.
Hey, what did I tell you
about bringing a fish
on the live stage of The Comedy Store?
What did I tell you?
I said, one thing you can't do
was eat a fish in front of Jay Pharoah.
That's what I told you.
- [punching sound effect]
- Wait.
Shut the fuck up, Jay,
if you know what's good for you.
- Okay. [laughs]
- Chuck E. Cheese.
[punching sound effect]
[fart sound effect]
[punching sound effect]
[singing like Gollum] Rock and pool
Is nice and cool
So juicy sweet!
[fart sound effect]
[audience laughs]
And stay down.
You can't... Shut the fuck up, Jay.
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry you guys had to see that.
[somber music playing]
[sighs] But I'm not sorry
you guys had to feel that.
[man] Whoo!
Did you guys have a good time tonight?
[audience cheering]
I need to hear you one more time.
Did you guys have a good time
here at The World Famous Comedy Store?
One more time for Jay Pharoah,
Patton Oswalt,
Fahim Anwar, Jeremiah Watkins, Dr. Phil.
Robin, don't go to bed. I got
a Mac and Cheese portable in the car.
Good night, everybody!
[cinematic music playing]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[music continues]
[audience cheering]
[music swells, ends]
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Hey, come on.
[Joe] I gotta see this.
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[indistinct chatter]
[audience cheering]
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
- Dude, you had fun?
- Oh yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[overlapping conversation]
[Jay] This is wild.
[laughs] You told me
you had the night off.
[laughing]
- We're gonna have some fun with it.
- That would be an honor, dude.
Guys, keep it goin' for Jen
who does my make-up all the time.
- She's a legend.
- [chuckling]
- Aww.
- Thank you.
Yeah! My mom, everybody.
[all cheering]
- Oh!
- Sarah, Janie... Hi, Mom.
To my mom, for pushing me out.
[all cheering]
Uh, to Jeremiah
for fucking delivering every time.
[all cheering]
[woman] Yeah!
Uh, to my beautiful wife
for always supporting every--
[all cheering loudly]
Uh, to my best bud Norman
for fucking making life easier.
[all cheering]
Uh, you guys...
I mean, I just... Uh, so fun.
None of this is, uh, worth doing
if we... if we don't have cool people
to celebrate, and hang, and share it with.
Thank fucking God.
No lawsuit. [laughs]
[music ends]
Jelly Roll. What's up, my brother?
- Hey, yo, Rock.
- What's cooking, baby?
God, I gotta stop sayin' that.
Did you hear about
Adam Ray's new Dr. Phil special?
I didn't, but I also blocked his ass
on Instagram months ago.
Why, what's goin' on?
Netflix gave Adam Ray a Dr. Phil special!
Yeah, I saw some of that bullshit online.
I gotta tell you, it's pretty funny.
Yo, I think he needs to hear about this.
Hear about what?
Adam Ray is dressing up like you
for a Netflix special.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughing]
[upbeat music continues]
[music ends]
- [audience] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
- [female AI voice] Four, three, two...
[rock music playing]
Whoa
Whoa
Whoa
[music continues]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
make it loud for the man you came to see.
Are you ready?
Here he comes.
Give it up for Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering]
[inaudible]
[audience cheering loudly]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering, whistling]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering]
Comedy Store, make some
motherfucking noise
if you're excited to be alive tonight.
Who's excited for Dr. Phil Live?
Holy shit. You're blowing
the roof off this place.
Look at all the titties and beards.
You guys are a good one.
You can take a seat.
That's good.
I love you, sir.
We're excited to be here.
This is a fun energy.
I'll take it from here, sir.
[audience laughs]
Tonight's show is
all about imitation. Okay?
Webster's Dictionary, uh, defines
that as something made to look,
uh, like something else. Okay?
My wife Robin is always trying to get me
to, uh, imitate celebrities
when we have trouble
getting into restaurants.
She always says, "Go with Nicolas Cage."
"No one denies Cage shit,"
she always says.
Uh, so I'll call up a restaurant
and go, uh...
[imitating Cage, breathy]
"Ah, ah, ah, ah."
"I need a table for two."
"Ah, 7:30."
"Ah, by the window!"
[audience laughing]
We get right in and have ourselves
some shrimp cocktail.
[audience laughs]
But you know, life is throwing
a lot of curveballs at us, left and right.
I can see a lot of helpless souls
in the crowd tonight,
looking to try to figure things out,
put one foot in front of the other.
People that are struggling
with the idea of who they are
and where they wanna be.
Uh, sir, with the nice stache
and the wrist tattoos.
What's your name, sir?
- Eric.
- Eric, let's go.
- He smoked weed.
- [Adam] He smoked...
What are you, his sponsor?
What's goin' on?
Why are you outing him in the front row?
And what are you on?
- What's your name?
- Everything.
You're on everything? Oh shit.
We got time.
Let's go down the list real quick.
[audience laughs]
Tylenol PM?
[audience laughs]
- Plan B? Gushers?
- [audience laughing]
You got some Gushers inside you?
Some Gushers juice?
Skittles? Okay.
- Go-GURT.
- [Adam] Go-GURT? [chuckles]
Eric just said Go-GURlike he's a ten-year-old boy.
[audience laughs]
[giggling] "Go-GURT."
[audience laughs]
Eric, where do you get a Go-GURT in 2024?
Be honest with me.
- Sometime tonight, player. Yeah.
- Staples.
- Staples?
- [audience laughs]
Eric, are you retarded? What's goin' on?
Are you supposed to be here right now?
Where's your dad?
What do you do for work, Eric?
Uh, composite lamination
for federal contracts.
Yeah. You're making this all up.
That's fine.
- [audience laughing]
- Let's go to this side of the room.
What's your name, with the mask on?
And I appreciate
the safety concern, right?
Never "whoever smelt it, dealt it," right?
You ain't tryin' to be a victim
of that crime.
- What's your first name?
- Chase.
Chase? Let's go. Like the bank, yeah?
[audience laughs]
- Say it again.
- Unfortunately.
"Unfortunately." Okay. Well, okay.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- [audience laughs]
We're always trying
to make upgrades in our life,
and Chase was born into a life
that he didn't want. Okay?
His parents... I'm assuming
named you Chase, right?
You could've been Wells Fargo.
- [audience laughs]
- That would've sucked.
You would've fucking hanging out
with Eric over here, right?
[audience laughs]
Chase, what do you do for work?
Uh, I'm, uh... I work
at an advertising agency, basically.
Chase, what is it that you dream about?
You're in advertising,
but it seems like there's other
aspirations floating around inside of you.
Maybe a stable relationship
with my family.
Maybe a stable relationship
with your family?
[audience] Aww.
- We'll be right back.
- [audience laughs]
[all cheering]
Had to.
You knew it was coming.
You knew it was coming.
We had to take a commercial break.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh over here.
Fucking sadness table for one.
Goddammit, Chase. Way to suck
the fucking vibe out of the room,
nine minutes into the show.
[audience laughs]
Keep it going for Chase.
That guy has got a lot of good stuff
ahead of him.
[audience cheering]
Lot of good times are awaiting Chase.
And I can't wait to see, uh...
I can't wait to see what happens.
Eric, you okay? Was that-- Yeah.
What was girl's name?
What's your name, sweetheart?
- Darcy.
- Darcy. That's right.
- How long you guys been together?
- A little over five years.
Let's go. Where did you meet?
- Online. Fuckin' A!
- [Adam] Fuckin' A, yeah.
What is the best trait about yourself?
How about that?
Whoo! I'm open-minded.
- You're open-minded. Okay.
- [Eric] Yeah.
That goes for everything
with Darcy as well, yeah?
- Fuckin' right.
- [Adam] Fuckin' right. Yeah.
Okay.
[audience laughs]
I don't think
I like your fucking attitude right now,
if I'm being perfectly honest here.
It feels like you're kind of coming at me
with some sort of
gibberish and rubberish, okay?
It feels like something that
you've kinda been pulling off today.
- Maybe in the last couple of days.
- [audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering, applauding]
I, um... [exhales]
I don't think
I like your fuckin' attitude.
- [audience cheering]
- [mic thuds]
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Who are you?
[audience laughs]
Who am I, bitch? Who are you?
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering, applauding]
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
We'll be right back.
[all laugh]
[audience cheering]
Fuck that shit.
We're gonna keep it right here.
Take a seat.
Guys, keep it goin' for Phil McGraw.
Here he is, right here.
Take a seat for me, Phil.
Take a seat for me.
There you go.
Phil, it's good to see you.
Appreciate you being here.
I'm sure you do.
- [Adam laughs]
- [audience laughs]
I'm sure this was exactly
how you planned this evening.
I guess... What are your hobbies
when you're not, uh... you know?
Well, if you had done your homework,
you would know.
Okay. Tennis. Being a dick.
[audience laughing]
Um...
- Fucking Christ!
- That's, um...
Excuse me.
That's Dr. Dick to you.
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
You're gonna make my mustache fall off.
[audience laughs]
You can keep yours on.
So, I'll ask the questions.
I love that.
So, how... how did... What did... Why did you...
Why did you start this?
- I mean...
- [audience laughs]
It's a good question.
What, are you trying
to get laid or something?
- What are you...
- [audience laughs]
Yep.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Well, how's that working for you?
- It's not.
- Yeah.
[audience laughs]
Takes more than just the look, right?
Yeah, you gotta have the vibe, the walk,
the strut, the confidence, right?
- Yeah.
- You're big on confidence.
We talk about that in our book
We've Got Issues.
[audience laughs]
- [audience cheering]
- Chapter... chapter two through five.
I see a couple of copies
in the audience tonight.
[Dr. Phil] Yeah. You see, the thing is,
that's, uh...
Were there two of them out there?
- [Adam laughs]
- That's...
That's two out of 70 million.
- [Adam laughs]
- [scattered laughter]
Have you seen Oppenheimer?
[audience laughs]
I have.
Yeah. Are you a big movie guy?
It's tough to... It's tough to fit in fun
during a busy schedule, you know?
Coming here, right?
Leaving here. You know?
[audience laughs]
- Yeah, I'm gonna stay awhile.
- You're gonna stay?
- Yeah, I wanna see...
- [audience laughs]
Hey... No.
Ain't nobody mad about that.
Now... Now...
Le-- Let me ask you all honestly.
Can-- [laughs]
Seriously. Seriously.
Can he do me?
[audience] Yeah!
[all cheering]
Can he do me?
[cheering continues]
It's more than just the look, I mean...
[audience laughs]
Right, it's... it's the...
Well, let me get up how you got up.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
You walk dick out and I love that.
- [audience laughs]
- That's a power move.
Now-- But can... can he do me?
- I mean, does he know?
- [audience] Yes!
- Okay.
- Has he... Has he done his homework?
You come from this...
You come from Texas, Oklahoma area.
- Sure. Yeah.
- Do you know...
Do you know what things mean?
Uh, this feels like a racist riddle
you're setting me up for.
[audience laughing]
Who here is from Texas or Oklahoma?
Raise your hand.
[man] Whoo.
- Oh. Three--
- Okay.
- Thanks for coming out.
- Three.
- So we are in a bubble here. Okay.
- Yeah.
All right. Interpret this saying.
Okay.
You gotta lick that calf over again.
Well, this is a fun game
I didn't realize I was getting into.
[laughs]
You gotta lick that calf over again.
What's that mean?
That means, uh... That means if...
You have no idea what it means.
Well, can I finish
my fucking thought, Phil?
[audience laughs]
- Jesus--
- No, you talk slower than I do.
- You gotta get to the point.
- [all laugh]
You gotta lick that calf over.
That means you gotta get up,
dust yourself off and try again.
[scattered laughter]
- [man] Whoo.
- [woman] Yeah.
Look, this is chess, not checkers.
You gotta...
You gotta actually think about this.
- Okay, okay.
- Let's not--
You know. You've got people in Oklahoma.
Yeah, yeah. Lick a calf's twat...
[audience laughing]
No, lick a calf...
lick a calf to make it... [clicks tongue]
What-- Yeah.
When a mother has a calf--
She has to lick it and bring it back to...
No, she licks it
from one end to the other,
and if there's anything wrong with it,
she walks off and leaves it.
So when you're in business,
you're talking to somebody
and they say, "No, this deal's okay."
They go, "Uh, you gotta lick
that calf over again."
- You gotta review the paperwork.
- Make sure there's nothing wrong.
You gotta dot your i's and cross your t's.
There you go.
Great. One for one. There we go.
Okay. Cool.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- My man. My man.
Now, next time I'm looking on YouTube
and I see something,
you better start using this.
If you're gonna do me, you gotta do me.
You're right. Okay.
So now, uh... Now how about, uh...
Give me one that...
Do you have one that... that you improvise
on stage during your show?
You ever come up with a phrase
and you're like, "Fuck, that was good."
[chuckles]
'Cause I heard you say, like, uh...
"There's no... There's like...
There's two sides to a pancake." Right?
[audience laughs]
I once saw you say to some bitch...
You were like, uh...
There was a mom
and her daughter was being all real,
you know, just real
spazzy-bedazzy. You know?
The daughter was like, you know,
"I don't smoke weed."
And the mom was like,
"Yeah, you do. I gave it to you."
And you were like, "Both of you, shut up."
Right? And then...
But you said it in a nice way.
And then you said, "Hey, tell me, Mom,
where did she get the weed from?"
The Mom goes, "I don't wanna tell you."
And you said,
"I didn't come 90% of the way
to get 10% of the information."
That's what you said.
I fucking stood up and applauded.
And took my pants... It was an exciting day.
[audience laughs]
It felt like you shot that one
from the hip.
But was that a designed, strategic phrase?
You know, I... I don't have a script.
So I never know what I'm gonna say
until they say what they say.
- Got you.
- So it's all made up.
- I'm sorry to say.
- [audience laughs]
I mean, that's the way to do it.
Well, that just goes to show
you're a good listener, right?
Yeah. You gotta listen.
I never know
what they're gonna say. Trust me.
And every time I think I've heard it all,
I walk out there and say,
"Oh shit, no, I haven't.
[all laugh]
Do you go on the Internet?
[audience laughing]
Hold that thought. We'll be right back.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[Adam] No, we'll keep it right here.
We'll keep it right here.
No, th-- that's how I found you.
- Okay.
- On the Internet.
Somebody called and said,
"Have you seen this guy on the Internet?"
What was your first thought?
Um, I thought,
"I don't have time to look at this shit."
[all laughing]
- Touch.
- Uh-- No.
No, then my son Jordan said,
"No, you really should look at this."
And I looked at it and, um, I thought,
"This guy is really funny."
I have to admit.
I thought it was absolutely hilarious.
[audience cheering, applauding]
I'm serious.
Appreciate it.
[Dr. Phil] Um...
What if I just started crying,
looking like this, in front of real Phil?
[laughs]
Yeah, well, it's...
You know, you gotta throw darts.
Life is all about just trying. You know?
I mean, I know that you...
I know that you subscribe to that, right?
It's starting a new network.
I mean, it's always...
You've been active in the business
for... for quite some time,
so it's a big venture to go,
"I'm gonna start
an entirely new project." Right?
Yeah. Um,
I'm supposed to be, like, retired
and sitting around the house or something.
Robin said, "That ain't happening."
- Robin said, "No"?
- She said, "No, that's not happening."
- Fuckin' Robin.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
Uh, I'm gonna make a note
and tell her you said that.
No-- [laughs]
[Dr. Phil] Let me see.
You can do it later. It's fine.
- It's 8:55...
- [laughing] 8:55.
...when you derogated my wife.
- [laughs]
- Okay, got it. Okay.
Wait, now you've been married--
It's been what? 40--
Forty-eight years.
Guys, give it up. 48 years.
That's an exciting time.
[audience cheering]
- And there is a secret to that.
- I was gonna ask.
There is a secret to that.
And I... I learned it,
maybe eight, ten years into it.
And that is, when she says, "What?"
It isn't that she didn't hear you.
[laughs]
She's given you a chance
to change what you've said,
and you better, by God, take it.
It's not that she didn't hear you.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, it's just she's given you--
She's letting you
step around the grenade, right?
Yeah, one time.
She's given you one shot
and you better take it.
You better throw yourself on that grenade,
and say, "Oh, no, no.
It's not you. No, no."
Yeah. "No, no, no. That was Pornhub."
"That-- That was our son's laptop. Yeah."
Now, is there a time though?
Like, you gotta pick your battles.
Is that a real thing or no?
She's had your babies and...
and, uh, you...
you just don't want to go there.
Yeah. Our babies. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
What's your favorite color?
[smacking lips] Why?
- Just trying--
- What made you ask that?
W-- Well, uh...
What would you do
with the information if you had it?
[audience cheering, applauding]
Well, seeing as how you're dressed
like a waiter
at the Olive Garden right now,
I would say it's black.
But if push came to shove,
I'd strike you as a navy blue guy.
[audience laughing]
I feel like navy blue, you wear it well.
I think I've seen you in blue suits.
I've seen us in blue suits. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
Well, my favorite color
is navy blue.
[audience cheering, applauding]
When you're flying around, right,
uh, around the country, doing press
for the book, for the network,
do you... do have a...
You know, travelling always,
I think, creates habits.
Okay? You gotta find a routine.
Do you have a routine food or snack wise?
That's one of my favorite things
to know about people.
You can learn a lot about somebody,
uh, based on what sort
of munch and crunch they're taking down.
Are you a Pop-Tart guy,
or a Crustable guy,
or a... an untrustable guy?
[audience laughs]
I actually do have a favorite snack.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- I ain't telling you.
- [laughing] Okay.
Well, let's play a little game called
"What's my favorite snack?"
All right.
- I get three guesses, okay?
- Okay. Go.
- Uh...
- Nope.
[all laugh]
What else?
Dai... [laughs]
Uh, Dairy Queen Blizzard.
- Nope.
- Okay.
Uh, chocolate bar.
- What?
- [audience laughs]
What, are you born in the '20s?
They have names now like Hershey's,
and Snickers, and...
Okay.
"Chocolate bar."
What-- "I'd like a chocolate bar, please."
What?
"I'd like a chocolate bar."
What-- Uh-- What?
[audience cheering]
[Dr. Phil] Um...
I just watched...
rewatched Willy Wonka
& the Chocolate Factory last night,
and Charlie Bucket, super poor...
His last name's fucking Bucket.
[audience laughs]
...wandered into the store and said,
"Can I have a chocolate bar, sir?"
So, sorry if I'm fucking, you know,
stuck in the '20s, bitch.
[Dr. Phil] So you were...
Hershey's, Snickers, Reese's Pieces...
What time were you watching
Willy Wonka last night?
Guess.
[audience laughs]
Not so fun, is it?
- Uh, what did you...
- [audience laughing]
What...
Now what I want to know is,
what did you turn down
to watch Willy Wonka last night?
2 Girls 1 Cup.
[audience laughs]
[cheering, applauding]
You happy? You... You got your answer.
- You'd already seen that.
- [laughs]
[audience laughing]
You're good.
Yeah.
- You have no idea.
- [laughs]
I'm having a good time.
- Yeah?
- It's fun.
You've been to The Comedy Store before?
I've been here...
I've been here once a long time ago.
A good friend of mine,
Ron White, was here.
Give it up for Ron White.
That's a living legend right there.
[audience cheering]
That's a good guy with a good heart.
- He is a good guy.
- Uh...
Yeah, funny. You know, it's, uh...
it's not an easy thing to come out
and just swing like this and...
and hit home runs, you know?
Have you always trusted yourself
in the comedy world?
'Cause, on the show,
you're not trying to be funny, right?
Just happens.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Yeah.
I'm, um...
You know, I just do me.
I... I don't know.
I don't try to be one way or the other.
But you know what?
People ask me questions.
They ask questions.
They need to be ready to hear the answers,
the way I figure it.
And if they like, they like it.
If they don't, they don't.
I was looking for something to do,
I had to do it.
[audience cheering]
That's what's up.
And, uh...
Don't... Don't we feel that way?
We feel... [laughs] Yeah, we do.
[audience laughs]
But we have to.
It's a changing... an ever-changing world.
Yeah. Look, you gonna
piss somebody off all the time,
so you might as well do what you want.
[audience cheering]
Boy, ain't that the truth.
I have that tattooed on my lower back.
Do you?
That's your tramp stamp?
- That's my tramp stamp.
- [all laugh]
Okay. Got it.
A day off for Phil looks like...
What, Six Flags or a Dave & Buster's?
Are you a big-- Are we a Skee-Ball guy?
You know?
No, you know, I'm kind of a loner,
kinda homebody type.
I... I get some time
where I don't have shit to do.
- Yeah.
- I can get...
You'd be surprised how worthless I can get
if you give me a couple of days off.
I mean, I...
Seriously, I'm like a lizard on a rock.
- I... I just...
- That's what I'm talking about.
That... That felt like a made-up saying
right there.
A lizard on a rock.
No, I mean, have you ever watched
a lizard on a rock?
No. I got better shit to do.
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Have you seen TV?
- No, you obviously don't,
or you wouldn't be here in that suit
pretending to be me.
[audience cheering, applauding]
- I hear you.
- Yeah.
[audience laughs]
I am a big zoo guy though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So, lizard on a rock...
I know they got
a reptile category at the zoo,
but I'm more of a gorilla...
Ever see a gorilla just fire off a load
in front of a kid?
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah.
Now, I... I have to say
that's still on my bucket list.
[all laugh]
I'll send you a link.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
Um, I know we got a lot of people out here
that came out to enjoy the show,
but there's also people
dealing with some issues.
They're on the struggle bus.
They got a one-way ticket
to "What the fuck's going on?"
- Did you say "struggle bus"?
- Struggle bus, yeah.
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
- Do you give advice at these shows?
- [chuckles]
Hold that thought, Phil. Uh, does anybody...
Does anybody have anything
they'd like to get off their chest?
What's that?
- Oh shit. Oh my fuckin' God.
- [audience cheering]
Oh my fuckin' God.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- [cheering continues]
Sweet mother of God.
This... Oh!
Oh my God.
[laughing] Oh, Jesus Christ.
This is everything
I was hoping for and more.
Dear God.
What in God's name?
Gabe, haven't you been
on this show before?
I have. I did the same thing last time.
[audience laughs]
- And how did it work out for you?
- [in singsong] I'm back.
[audience laughs]
Well, Gabe, you came on the show,
I think, with Andrew Santino
and Bobby Lee,
and you ripped it up
just like you did just now.
Why are you back?
You told me that if I believed in myself,
my dreams would come true.
And that was a fucking lie
'cause it didn't come true.
Well, what are you...
Phil, you got any questions?
[audience laughs]
Well, I sure have more questions
than answers.
[audience laughs]
This guy seems like he actually...
may actually have some talent.
[audience cheering]
Oh shit. Oh my God.
We'll get-- Okay.
All right, Dances with Wolves.
All right. Yup.
Gabe, Gabe-- Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ!
What move is that? That...
This feels like the horny ghost
that was stealing my granola bars.
Gabe, hold on for a-- Hey...
[chuckling] Okay.
What is your dream, by the way?
You said I didn't help you pursue it.
What is it?
I wanted to breakdance in the Olympics.
[audience laughing]
You're in the right city.
That's right. They're gonna be here.
They're coming here next.
Gabe, do you wanna audition
for the Los Angeles Olympics
right here, right now?
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Oh, come on.
[audience cheering]
[man] Gabe! Gabe!
Hit it, DJ!
[dance music playing]
[rhythmic clapping]
- [audience cheering]
- Holy shit!
Okay.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
He did it, guys.
Keep it goin' for Gabe. There he goes.
There he goes.
Gabe, I fuckin' love you, player.
Guys, keep it goin' for Gabe.
He's Olympic bound in Los Angeles.
And guys, one more time
for the real Dr. Phil.
Here he goes, baby. Phil McGraw.
All right, guys.
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[audience cheering]
We will be right back.
- Oh shit.
- [audience cheering]
Don't go anywhere. We'll be back.
[upbeat music playing]
[inspirational music playing]
[narrator] Have you ever felt the moon?
Or listened to the heartbeat of a lion?
In every space of time we live,
searching, standing,
breathing.
The moment your mind escapes the truth.
When passion follows the dream.
And worlds collide.
Touching, feeling,
hoping.
Have a sip of nature's dripping love.
Only God knows why
the waves blow in the wind,
the sea sounds in dreams.
[music continues]
Who can tell us why we know
what we do, when we do.
I get knocked down,
but I get up again,
and again, and again,
and again.
Love is the ultimate prize.
The smell of confidence.
LP cologne. Put a little man in you.
[audience cheering]
Holy shit.
Guys, your next guest
on the Dr. Phil Live show...
Uh, you might recognize from TV shows
like King of Queens, A.P. Bio,
Parks and Rec--
Maybe movies like Young Adult,
The Secret Life of Pets, Ghost Busters.
Uh, his countless stand-up specials.
And, of course, my favorite...
He's the voice
of motherfucking Ratatouille.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for the one and only Patton Oswalt.
Here he comes right now.
[rock music playing]
[audience cheering]
Here we go.
Guys, Patton Oswalt. There he is.
- Make some noise for him.
- Hi, guys. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
What a gangster. Living legend.
How you doin'? You feelin' good?
Uh, yeah. I'm feeling
a little shaky right now
just from-- I think all of us,
feeling a little surreal.
But, um, I think we're gonna...
What would be your advice to me right now?
I'm a little out of sorts.
Do I roll with it? What do I do?
Patton, is Ratatouille based
on a true story?
- [audience laughs]
- Um...
You narrated one of my favorite shows.
- The Goldbergs.
- Thank you.
Guys, give it up for The Goldbergs
and Patton Oswalt.
A great show with
a great message and a great family.
Yeah.
And I just got so jealous watching that.
I was like, "Fuck, I would love--"
It's one of my... my bucket list items,
to have you narrate any part of my life.
Oh. All right.
So, if you don't mind,
I'd love to throw up some sweet music
that I picked to be my soundtrack,
and you can just kinda
casually Goldberg it up
and... and narrate my day-to-day.
And I'll just kinda fart around here
and you just kinda describe
what's goin' on.
- Is that cool?
- Okay. Here we go. Absolutely.
All right. Hit me with
some "feel alive" music, Stephen.
You got something to--
- [lively music playing]
- Oh my gosh.
- We'll start with me in bed.
- Okay. [smacks lips]
It was September 19th,
nineteen eighty-something,
and Dr. Phil was waking up
with the crack of dawn.
The sun came through the slats
of his Venetian blinds
as he did his five Tibetan rituals
that he did every morning
to wake himself up.
[audience laughing]
This morning, they morphed
into the Macarena.
And he would take that Latin energy
straight into the kitchen
where he made his usual breakfast
of...
a room-temperature Michelob.
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
The fizziness and the carbs
ru-- rush right to his brain.
And suddenly, he had an idea.
An amazing segment that he would do
on the Dr. Phil show that day.
He couldn't wait to call his producer
and tell him what this segment would be.
But first...
But first...
[audience laughing]
...he had to login online
and see if there were any...
and see if there were
any local fetish clubs
that combined...
[clicks tongue]
...both pony play...
and squirting.
[audience laughing]
Alas, once he hit enter,
there were only 710 hits.
So, he looked in the mirror
and said, "Dr. Phil,
people need to hear what you have to say."
"People need to hear
what you have to give."
"And most of all,
people need the strength
that you put out
in the world."
[all cheering]
[music ends]
- Holy shit. That was fuckin'...
- Wow. That was...
I almost started crying. I'm not...
- Yeah.
- That was un--
God, you're so good at that.
Thank you. Yeah.
I... I do a lot of voiceover.
- You mentioned trivia.
- Uh-oh.
And you're a guy
that knows a lot about a lot.
- Okay?
- I do.
And one thing I know
that you really love is Star Wars.
I do love Star Wars.
I know you do.
- I love Star Wars.
- Who else loves Star Wars?
Any Star Wars people?
Well, please welcome George Lucas--
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh. What the--
Wouldn't that be fuckin' cool?
At this point, that would not surprise me.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- At all.
Now, I want to play a little game
'cause I know you probably know more
about Star Wars
than anybody that I know.
I want to test your knowledge
in Star Wars.
- Cool?
- Okay.
In a little game, uh--
In a little game we'd like to call
"Hey, Patton, what do you know--"
"Do you know this about Star Wars?"
[game intro music plays]
- That was fucking 30 bucks well spent.
- I'm sorry. That--
That... That sentence has a theme sting?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- All right.
- All right.
So first question here.
Uh, where did Obi-Wan take Luke
after his birth?
Where did he take Luke after his birth?
Oh. He took him to Tatooine.
No. The answer's Arby's.
- Now--
- Oh.
[audience laughs]
- Oh for one. Uh... Patton...
- Goddamn.
It's all right. We got more.
Who are Kylo Ren's parents?
Kylo Ren's parents are
Han Solo and Princess Leia.
- No, it's Ben and Jerry. Uh, now...
- [audience laughs]
These are the facts.
- Wow.
- Uh, what is the name of Han Solo's ship?
Oh. The Millennium Falcon.
No. It's the Harrison Ford Fuck Mobile.
- Oh man!
- [audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
Which is also a great name
for a Cher cover band.
That would be. Oh wow.
What was, uh...
What-- Where was Yoda's home
in his final years?
Oh, um, the swamp planet of Dagobah.
- No. It was Boca Raton, Florida.
- Oh.
He was retired with a bunch of hot Jews.
- Damn.
- Um...
Uh, who killed Jabba?
[imitating Yoda] Shuffleboard, I'll play.
- All right. Sorry.
- [laughs]
Um, say it again.
That deserved more laughter.
Fuck you, guys.
- [all laugh]
- He did a Yoda.
He did Yoda as an old Jew in Florida.
Exactly. Yeah.
[laughs]
- My man. My man.
- Thank you, my friend.
Uh, okay. What species is Chewbacca?
[clicks tongue] He's a Wookiee.
Okay.
Can you do an impression of a Wookiee?
[trilling]
[audience cheering, applauding]
That is pretty good.
Now, what--
Can we cut that?
I don't want people seeing my O face.
[all laughing]
That's just for my wife.
- Yeah. [laughs]
- All right.
- You're a good man.
- Okay.
Now, do you make that-- [laughs]
Do you make that noise
when it's happenin'?
Uh, I make that noise
when I'm ramping up to it.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
- Yeah, mine's pretty standard.
- Yeah? What is... What's yours?
Aah!
[audience laughs]
[Patton] I'm sorry.
Are you surprised when you cum?
[laughing]
Does it creep up on you?
[laughing] Man.
Yeah, it's... [laughs]
I'm not with my wife.
I'm just having breakfast.
- Oh, okay. [laughs]
- Guys, Patton Oswalt.
- Let him hear it. The great Patton Oswalt.
- Thank you.
- [cheering]
- You're a legend. You're a living legend.
- I love you for being here.
- Thank you.
One more time for Patton Oswalt.
Let him hear it.
[audience cheering]
There he goes. The great Patton Oswalt.
The great Patton Oswalt
coming out for a couple of chuckles.
A couple of handshakes. Maybe a shoe.
I ordered something earlier.
Delivery.
Great. Okay. I ordered some Grubhub.
Holy shit, it's Joe Gatto
from Impractical Jokers.
- Oh my God.
- [audience cheering]
Hey.
- What's up, y'all? How are you?
- [all cheering]
- Um, this is--
- Are you... You're Ph...
- You're Phil?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm, uh... You're Grubhub?
- Yeah, Grubhub.
- Oh, okay.
This is my one single meatball?
That's what you ordered.
[Adam] How about this, Eric?
How about I'll tip Joe out,
but you gotta let him
feed you the meatball.
- [all cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah?
I think this is all gonna
go the way we all think it will.
[upbeat music playing]
Guys, keep it goin'
for Joe Gatto, everybody.
That's a great guy with a great plan
and a new special on YouTube right now.
One more time for Joe Gatto.
There he goes...
- [all cheering]
- ...off into the world.
Making friends one at a time.
You guys ready for more show?
I'm gonna keep this fuckin' train movin'.
Your next guest,
you know him from TV shows
like White Famous and The Masked Singer.
Movies like Spinning Gold, Ride Along,
uh, and Resort to Love.
He helped us feel better about ourselves,
making us laugh on Saturday Night Live
for six years.
And now he's here live in the flesh,
with a new stand-up special
and a lot of fun to give.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on Dr. Phil Live for the first time,
give it up for Jay Pharoah!
[R&B music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Jay Pharoah.
- Let him hear it. Here he is.
- [all cheering]
Making us feel better about ourselves.
- Goddamn. Look at you.
- Wow.
Look at that coat.
I wish I had the confidence
to wear a fuckin' coat like that.
Yeah, me too.
I have the confidence to wear
my seven-year-old nephew's clothes.
- [Adam laughs]
- Hell yeah!
You got all these fans
that submitted questions.
But you got one big fan live in the flesh.
And before we get out of here,
I told him. He wrote to me
and he said,
"I'm a big fan of Jay Pharoah."
- He's an actor here in Hollywood.
- Oh wow.
He's been typecasted in dramas only.
And he's tryin' to kinda switch over,
transition into a lighter,
more fun-filled,
maybe rom-com type situation.
- Okay.
- So I told him to come out.
Maybe we can give him some advice.
Maybe we can coach him through
on how he's dealing with the business.
And maybe we can get him
in the right direction towards success.
Are you guys ready for him?
Can I bring one more special guest
on the show?
[audience] Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
from The Lord of the Rings II and III...
Gollum, ladies and gentlemen.
[mischievous music playing]
[scoffs] What the fuck?!
[audience cheering]
[Jay] Ey, ey... [laughs]
This is a... This is a six-foot Hobbit.
That's crazy.
He... [laughs]
Holy shit.
[laughing]
[Adam] Ladies and gentlemen,
one more time for Gollum.
- He's here--
- [Jay] Fucking Gollum.
[audience cheering]
[Adam] Dear fucking Christ!
My precious!
[audience cheers]
- [Jay] Hi.
- Okay.
Now, when I was told there was an actor
that was wanting some advice, I didn't...
I thought it was gonna be like,
I don't know, Greg Kinnear or something.
[Jay mumbling, laughing]
Uh, what's up, Gollum?
Oh shit. You...
If you fucking shit on my stage,
I'm gonna be real mad about it.
I wanna do the rom-com.
I wanna... I wanna try different things.
[Adam laughing] You wanna do rom-coms?
You wanna do rom-coms?
You think you're getting stuck?
You're getting pigeonholed in dramas?
I think so.
[in raspy voice] Gollum, Gollum, Gollum.
- What the fuck is goin' on right now?
- I have no clue. Um...
I've been told
that you got two personalities.
- Is that true?
- [timidly] No.
[evilly] Yes.
[Jay laughs]
Well, how about this, Gollum?
How about we give you a shot, okay,
to be in a real life movie?
Yeah, let's do it.
I think it's only fair
that we give this guy a shot
to really, uh, see his dreams through.
Life is about throwing darts,
and sometimes they don't stick,
but sometimes just got through
a bigger dart.
So, how about this? Uh, I'm gonna...
Uh, Stephen, hit me
with some rom-com trailer music.
And how about this, Jay?
I'm gonna narrate a trailer
for a movie that Gollum will star in.
- Okay?
- Okay. All right.
Let's say he's playing the woman
in a rom-com,
and I'll pepper it in with guest stars
and I'll set you up for some impressions
to kinda fill out the movie. Sound good?
- Yep. Let's go.
- Okay, great.
[rom-com trailer music playing]
This summer...
[Jay laughs]
Cindy Daniels was a successful
New York businesswoman.
- [laughs]
- She had a cool family,
a dog, a fish,
a high-rise apartment.
But the only thing
she didn't have was love.
I just need a little bit of love.
Please?
Everywhere she went, people were like,
"What the fuck is that?"
[audience laughs]
Bars, gyms, rooftop barbecues,
all she wanted to do was
make a little small talk,
but the men had different ideas.
Like Ben, her boss.
Played by fuckin' Denzel Washington.
[audience laughs]
Um...
[imitating Denzel]
This ain't gonna happen. Okay? [laughs]
She got fired upon arrival,
her first day at work.
So Cindy did what any New Yorker would do.
She went online and matched with a new guy
who just moved into town as well.
Rob. Played by Eddie Murphy.
[imitating Eddie] Hey!
Now, I've never tried this before,
but I'm... I'm certainly interested.
[laughing]
- Will you give me a shot?
- I'll give you a whole bunch of shots.
What the hell you want?
[Jay laughs]
Rob and Cindy found love
in the most unex--
What are you doing?
- Rob and Cindy...
- [Jay] He's twerking.
...they went to an all-night rave
in Brooklyn
where they met Rob's brother.
Played by Jay-Z.
Rob's brother was the DJ at the nightclub
where Cindy and Rob hit it off.
[imitating Jay-Z] Yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yo. Hey, yo, hold on one second.
Is that, um...
Is that Dobby from Harry Potter?
[all laugh]
Shit. Keep the music going!
[laughing]
I would like to give you a BJ.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you know, chill out. Chill out, yeah.
You know, Beyonc is... She'll kill me.
[laughing] Yeah.
Things took a turn that night,
and Cindy tried to blow Rob
and his brother
at the DJ booth.
[laughing] What the fuck?
She got kicked out of the club.
[laughing] And went...
And went down the street
dancing like nothin' was wrong.
And that's where she met a homeless man.
Played by fuckin' Donald Trump.
And the homeless man gave her advice
that she was desperately in search of.
[imitating Trump] Listen,
I don't know what's happening.
[audience laughing, cheering]
But I'd like to say
to everybody out there,
they're eating your cats and your dogs.
[inhales deeply] They're eating them.
And I guess... I don't know what you are.
- You'll probably get eaten too.
- [audience laughs]
I would like to eat
a cat and a dog with you,
and I'll let you eat my cat. [snarls]
See, this is what happens
when the borders aren't controlled.
[sucks in air]
The homeless guy had some sound advice.
So Cindy went home that night
and thought long and hard
about who she wanted to end up with.
And that's when she got a knock
at her door.
It was her... her Uber Eats delivery driver.
Played by 50 Cent.
[imitating 50 Cent] Hey, um...
Hey, yo, you know...
Here's the... Here's the thing, like...
You know, you could...
You scaring the fuck out of me,
so you don't even have to pay for this.
It's yours, nigga.
[laughing]
So, Cindy... [laughs]
Cindy squashed two turkey paninis
back to back,
and thought to herself,
"How could life get any worse?"
So she took a couple of ZzzQuil gummies
and had a dream.
And she was met in that dream
by a guardian angel
who showed her exactly
what her next move should be.
And that angel was played by Chris Rock.
Wait. Hold on, baby.
Chris couldn't show up,
so, uh, I decided to come instead.
I hope you don't mind, my nigga.
But I'd like to say this.
Um, you gonna die some day, baby. Ow!
[laughs]
The angel was played
by Dave Chappelle, I think.
[all laughing]
[mumbling] That's what I was doing
whatever the fuck I said...
Gollum walks out of his apartment
and is met by a man with a business plan.
A businessman played by Robert Downey Jr.
[imitating Robert] Look,
I've been watching you from afar.
Watching what you're doing.
What you're doing is very admirable.
I'd like to offer you a five-year plan.
I'd like you to work for me.
I'm an agent for OnlyFans.
I think you could be our first client.
You could do it live. You're already
showing some back, some toes and knees--
Hey, hold on, Pepper.
Because there's a couple of things
we can talk about, bro.
Like, you know...
I mean, maybe he can work
for the Marvel Cinematic Universe,
but, you know,
be a billionaire philanthropist,
but I mean, right now, he's just Smagol.
So, yeah, we gotta
just take it at face value.
That's all. Yeah.
Cindy thought she wasn't gonna have a job,
but turns out she was hired
by both Black and white Robert Downey, Jr.
[Jay laughing]
This film has not been-- yet been rated.
Keep it goin' for Gollum, everybody!
- Holy shit. He finally did it.
- [cheering]
Congratulations, Gollum.
You just were in your first feature film.
Jay, thanks for support--
What are you doing?
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- [Jay] What the f--
[Adam] Oh my God.
No. No. What is that?
- What the fuck? What are you doing?
- Yo. That's a real fucking fish.
[Adam] That's a real fish.
What are you doing? What's this?
- [Jay] He's being--
- Okay.
Hey, what did I tell you
about bringing a fish
on the live stage of The Comedy Store?
What did I tell you?
I said, one thing you can't do
was eat a fish in front of Jay Pharoah.
That's what I told you.
- [punching sound effect]
- Wait.
Shut the fuck up, Jay,
if you know what's good for you.
- Okay. [laughs]
- Chuck E. Cheese.
[punching sound effect]
[fart sound effect]
[punching sound effect]
[singing like Gollum] Rock and pool
Is nice and cool
So juicy sweet!
[fart sound effect]
[audience laughs]
And stay down.
You can't... Shut the fuck up, Jay.
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry you guys had to see that.
[somber music playing]
[sighs] But I'm not sorry
you guys had to feel that.
[man] Whoo!
Did you guys have a good time tonight?
[audience cheering]
I need to hear you one more time.
Did you guys have a good time
here at The World Famous Comedy Store?
One more time for Jay Pharoah,
Patton Oswalt,
Fahim Anwar, Jeremiah Watkins, Dr. Phil.
Robin, don't go to bed. I got
a Mac and Cheese portable in the car.
Good night, everybody!
[cinematic music playing]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[music continues]
[audience cheering]
[music swells, ends]
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Hey, come on.
[Joe] I gotta see this.
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
[indistinct chatter]
[audience cheering]
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
- Dude, you had fun?
- Oh yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[overlapping conversation]
[Jay] This is wild.
[laughs] You told me
you had the night off.
[laughing]
- We're gonna have some fun with it.
- That would be an honor, dude.
Guys, keep it goin' for Jen
who does my make-up all the time.
- She's a legend.
- [chuckling]
- Aww.
- Thank you.
Yeah! My mom, everybody.
[all cheering]
- Oh!
- Sarah, Janie... Hi, Mom.
To my mom, for pushing me out.
[all cheering]
Uh, to Jeremiah
for fucking delivering every time.
[all cheering]
[woman] Yeah!
Uh, to my beautiful wife
for always supporting every--
[all cheering loudly]
Uh, to my best bud Norman
for fucking making life easier.
[all cheering]
Uh, you guys...
I mean, I just... Uh, so fun.
None of this is, uh, worth doing
if we... if we don't have cool people
to celebrate, and hang, and share it with.
Thank fucking God.
No lawsuit. [laughs]
[music ends]