Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly (2017) Movie Script

In the beginning, there was man,
and there was woman.
From that moment on,
things have been tricky.
Going back to
Adam and Eve,
temptation has always been a third
party participant in human life.
From the time that cavemen
wrote on walls,
a struggle has ensued.
On down through time,
the tinge of desire
has pumped through
the veins of history.
In Asia, the Egyptians,
the Greeks, the Romans.
In 1748,
temptation and sexuality hit
a whole new level in England
with the publication of
"Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure",
a book better known
as "Fanny Hill".
Fast forward to 1896,
when Fatima did
her belly dance.
And we see sex now,
coming out of the shadows
and into
the cinematic mainstream.
In the 1960s, "I Am Curious"
hit the silver screen in Sweden,
and Pandora was given
a pretty little box to open.
Pornographic film erupted
in the 1970s,
and an IV of sexual material was injected
directly into the main vein of humanity.
As the appetite for sex and pornography
rumbled in the stomach of society,
along came an all-you-can-eat
buffet of porn,
the world wide web.
Because of that, we are now a planet
of technologically dependent beings
with our personal power cord plugged
directly into anything and everything,
and the current running
through our cables
is high voltage.
We are wired, sexual beings.
Sexuality is a fundamental part
of our basic human drives.
We're hardwired for sexuality.
It's a part of our structure,
cellular and DNA,
is to be sexual and to have sex.
And anything that activates
the sexual part of us
is already hitting
something innate with us.
It releases all these chemicals in
our body that make us feel good.
Why? 'Cause that's
the way we're made.
'Cause sex is supposed to make
you feel good, so you have more sex.
That's the way it works.
Um, that's human.
That's normal. That's healthy.
We have a almond-sized area
in the center of our brain,
the nucleus accumbens.
It's the I-want-it part of our brain.
It focuses on what we want,
and it's important because
it allows us to survive
by focusing on food and on reproduction,
for instance.
We survive as a species,
as an individual.
The chemical dopamine is produced
in an area called the mid-brain,
and there are wires that take this dopamine,
this chemical,
all the way to
the nucleus accumbens,
to a different
part of the brain.
It really powers
the brain with desire,
the mid-brain dopamine
factory does.
We call it
the ventral tegmental area.
The neurochemicals that exist
in the brain during sex
are the neurochemicals
that are supposed to be there.
Whether you're
masturbating to pornography
or having sex with a wife that
you've been married to for 30 years,
ain't no difference.
A fascinating study
has shown actual growth
in parts of the brain
that are used more
and atrophy in areas
that are used less.
It was first noticed
in a study of violin players
and further explored with brain
scans of medical students
both before and after an intense
three-month period of studying for exams.
Not only did the brain
grow and shrink,
but new neurological pathways
were formed as well.
In short, the brain is
actually reshaped.
That physical change
that we've scanned
with violin players
and medical students,
that is, um,
microscopic change that happens
in that we form, literally,
new brain connections
between brain cells
when we learn something new.
Particularly for powerful
reward learning.
Something as powerful
as pornography.
Here's a different analogy.
Imagine your brain
is a dense forest.
As your brain continues to
create new neurological pathways
through reward learning
as Hilton states,
it's as if we're wearing
a new pathway in the forest
by walking it again and again.
Over time, almost all thoughts can
begin to take that same pathway.
The trail can be forged
by a number of things,
including sex and pornography.
Obviously, you drink alcohol.
You snort cocaine.
You inject heroin.
So these are physical agents
that you take into your body.
What do they do to you?
What is the common mechanism
that these agents that are
coming into your body do?
Well, they turn on your
reward system in your brain.
That's the common mechanism.
We see that not only with drugs,
but we see that with pornography
and with sexual addictions.
We're not designed for alcohol,
for meth, for crystal,
for all these other drugs.
Our bodies will respond
to them pretty quickly,
but not as fast as we will to
something that's arousing sexually.
That is the ultimate high,
and it's innate and natural to us.
And so, we're gonna very commonly
seek something of a sexual nature
to medicate feelings of shame,
and pain, and guilt, and remorse,
and sorrow, and fear,
and loneliness.
And pornography is
the perfect solution for that,
if I'm looking for
something sexual,
because it's something
I can do it by myself,
it's pretty darn cheap or free,
and its relatively consequence-free,
at least in my mind,
because I don't
perceive in the moment
an immediate consequence to it.
Perhaps the trickiest part
of taking on a subject
like pornography
is the most simple part,
defining it.
Entrapping the true
meaning of "porn"
into a simplified group
of words is nearly impossible,
which is one of the reasons it's remained
such an elusive social issue for so long.
How does one define it?
Trying to define pornography is like
trying to describe air, sometimes.
I mean, the reality is it's gonna be a
different sensation for different people,
but at the end of the day, from a clinical
perspective, when I'm working with clients,
they're the ones that can articulate
pretty well to me what pornography is.
I'm simply just asking them
what they're looking at,
what they're
exposing themselves to.
"What makes
something pornographic
versus just sexually explicit
or sexually provocative"?
I think is also a debate
that needs to be had.
We are learning so much about
sexuality that we never knew before.
And we're having our ideas challenged
of what we think is normal
and what we think is healthy
by finding out that there are
a lot of people out there
who are interested in all kinds
of kinky sorts of things.
So how do you define something
so broad and so subjective?
In this case, you look
for a common denominator.
For the purpose
of this documentary,
that common denominator
is right here, the brain.
The spectrum of pornographic material
is infinitely wide at this point,
but the physiological and
neurological responses by individuals
seems to be the same,
regardless of the content.
In short, no matter what
a person looks at,
the mind and body seem to have a
similar reaction across the board.
To use a more simple analogy,
Bob likes football, Jim like baseball,
and Suzanne likes golf,
but they all like sports.
Just like everyone's brain releases
messages of pain when a person gets hurt,
experts agree that it releases chemicals
of pleasure when it is aroused,
chemicals like DeltaFosB.
There are engines of desire,
molecular engines of desire,
chemical engines
that cause us to want.
And when we see something that
we've trained our brain to want,
we turn those engines on.
DeltaFosB is a switch that turns
on these engines of desire.
And we know that DeltaFosB and
other signaling, cascade chemicals
are very important in building these wires,
these brain wires of wanting.
So sex looks
just like those drugs.
Pornography, in and of itself,
is designed to just expedite
a sexual experience.
It's meant for an instantaneous hit,
just like a drug,
um, and it gets us there faster than
we're typically designed to go.
So, at the end of the day,
pornography, in my opinion,
is simply those things
that are designed to quickly
get us to a sexualized state,
an erotic moment.
And it could be, as I said,
from a visual, a verbal,
it could be something written
it could be something...
Anything that's designed
to activate those senses,
separate from an interaction with
somebody you're actually with.
Since we've already
highlighted that sexuality
has been a major component of human
nature since the beginning of time,
and considering that the US is relatively
young compared to the rest of the world,
here's how other cultures view pornography
and its place in their respective societies.
Personally, I think
we're moving towards
a very sexualized culture
at the moment.
We're becoming more liberal.
They had a very liberal
movement in the 70s,
and I believe we're
repeating that again now.
And as sexualism
becomes more accepted,
I think porn's a very normal
part of the Australian culture.
I think as a society we're probably
becoming a little bit more,
uh, relaxed and able
to talk about sexuality.
It's definitely something
that males engage in more,
and I think women
watch reluctantly.
Or if they
have watched it,
it's not something
they necessarily own to,
or they watch it
as a bit of a joke.
Certainly does fit into the
Australian culture. I think, um...
Is it a normal thing?
And I don't think that
pornography is normal,
in my opinion.
Because it's not real.
Especially when it comes to marketing
any kind of product in Australia,
then certainly, sex is used
to sort of, you know, represent
or turn people on
to buy a certain product.
Is it a problem?
Yeah, I think it's a big problem.
It obviously works.
People respond to sexualism.
If people didn't respond,
it wouldn't be so rampant.
So I think from a marketing perspective,
as long as it's working,
we're going to
continue to use it.
And with that in mind, I think we're
probably only at the tip of the iceberg.
I think we're seeing a phase
where sexuality and
over-sexualization of kids
is generally pushing media to explore
different ways to make money.
For example, every time you pick up a
magazine with a picture of Kylie Minogue,
she looks like
she's having an orgasm.
And the fact of the matter is
that women don't look like that,
and they shouldn't have
to look like that to be...
To be thought of
as being attractive or sexy.
It just places unrealistic
expectations on individuals
to, you know, view sex
in a different way,
and it also...
In relationships, it's...
It makes it uncomfortable
if people aren't comfortable with
those type of things as well.
But I guess, you know,
it's part of what's going on right now.
It's very accessible.
I think that as many Americans
as many French people,
you know, everybody has
their addictions, you know.
I don't think they're more addicted
people to sex in the USA than in France.
I think, in France,
we watch pornography,
and it's okay about that.
But I think
in the United Sates,
you can watch it, but it's a little
bit taboo, you know what I mean?
There is a paradox
between that, because
United States may be the biggest
producer in pornography in the world,
- but it's very...
- Puritan.
But it's very puritan
at the same time.
So you can watch it,
but you don't say that.
In France, I think it's not
really something you talk about.
It's a kind of deviance.
I don't think
it's a natural thing.
You shouldn't need it,
because you should find the
thing you need in your partner.
It's still a taboo,
even if it's changing now,
but we are now...
You know, we change these few years,
but now we are in so much...
So much... Big exposure...
to the body, to the...
you know,
whatever we sell in advertising.
Pornography is like
the opposite of romance.
To me, it's like seeing a close
up of a big dick, and a vagina,
and the woman goes...
like that. I'm like...
It's not romantic.
To me,
sex goes with feelings.
I see it is
a very complicated question.
Because it's... It's play
with all of the collective
subconscious, and, uh...
And the way we build a society,
and so it is, uh...
It is, uh...
- An ocean?
- An ocean.
Yes.
But not everyone
buys into the concept
that porn abuse and porn
addiction is a real issue.
David Ley is
a clinical psychologist
who feels that pornography is a
lesser element of greater issues.
At first, my opinion was,
"Well, this is just pop psychology,
sort of harmless."
I ended up believing, in fact,
that this is pretty dangerous.
That this is...
psychology and medicine
playing a role in suppressing
sexuality in our culture.
The idea of porn addiction
and the idea of sex addiction
is a very powerful concept.
It has stuck around for 30 years
and plus for a lot of reasons.
Porn addiction
and sex addiction
is a way for
culture and society
to label sex as dangerous,
something that we need
to be afraid of.
It is a way for society
to exert control over
people's sexual behavior
in a time when sexuality
is changing dramatically.
And especially
when we look at cultures
that are less shaming about sex
and are less
strangely obsessed with it,
they don't have problems
with sex addiction.
There are cultures through history
and cultures in the world today
that don't treat sex
in this way.
That don't treat it as taboo.
Perhaps, due to the more puritan
principles of America's founding fathers,
Ley says he sees the issue,
the porn panic as he calls it,
as more of a juxtaposition between our
sexual desires and our social values.
Moral panic is when
the media and society
buy into a certain issue,
make it a moral
and a social concern.
It turns into a crusade.
Masturbation is the most common form of
sexuality worldwide throughout history.
People masturbate far more than they
actually have sex, intercourse.
Why would we distinguish masturbation
from other kinds of sexuality?
What's the difference?
I'll tell you what
the difference is.
Cultural and social values.
Because there is the idea
in our society
that the right kind of sex
is intimate,
emotionally committed,
loving, monogamous,
heterosexual sex.
That is a cultural value.
It's not a medical one.
It's not a scientific one.
Ley even balks at argument
of neurochemical addiction
and the comparison of porn
to other drugs,
claiming that pornography
is a neutral element
in a far bigger picture
that stems from social fear.
The idea that, uh,
we are getting
addicted to dopamine,
and that's one of the common kind of
neurochemicals that gets thrown out there,
is reductionistic,
because guess what,
there are many neurochemicals that
are released in our body during sex.
Dopamine is just one of them.
There is little difference
between those neurochemicals
and the neurochemicals that
get released when we exercise.
Why is it okay to exercise,
and have
those neurochemicals released,
and use that as a form
of stress management or coping,
but it's not okay for sex?
And as a result,
men are afraid of it,
and women are afraid of it. They're
afraid of the effects of pornography.
That's why people
are scared to talk about it.
And that's why there are
very few people like me,
who are professionals
and scientists
who are willing to come out
and say, "Wait a minute.
This isn't real.
Porn is no different than any of
the other things that we might do
that hurt other people
or hurt ourselves.
It can be good
It can be bad."
Porn itself is neutral,
just like cars.
Used irresponsibly,
cars are incredibly dangerous.
Used irresponsibly,
porn can be dangerous.
But when we have a panicked
conversation about the danger of porn,
we ignore the fact
that it's neutral.
It really is devastating when people
like David Ley can try to say
that it's perhaps even good for
kids to broaden their adolescence
and college-aged kids to broaden
their perspectives with pornography.
It's ludicrous.
Is it really just
pornography that's to blame?
Or can a finger be pointed at media,
the Internet, and modern technology as well?
Is pornography
really just an ocean
fed by millions and millions of
media and technological tributaries
that slowly trickle
through society?
We seem to be creating a
moral whirlpool for ourselves
wherein people become trapped
in a cycle of shame.
So, perhaps it's time we take a look
at what's potentially going on here.
You can't show bare breasts
on network TV, for example.
So we exist
in this paradoxed world
where, on one hand, I've got it on my
phone at any time, whatever I want,
and yet at the same time,
what we're fed is this mixed message
that it's taboo,
that it's to be hidden.
And so that paradox
of those two dynamics...
On the one hand, it's there.
On the one hand, we sell it to you.
And at the same time,
"This is dirty stuff.
Don't look at it."
That screws with our heads.
We don't talk openly about sex in a healthy,
productive way.
But we're more than happy to talk about an
innuendo or blast it all over the media.
So again, there's
an imbalance there.
It's part of the conundrum.
I mean, we haven't figured out
what we want to grow up and be yet
as a society.
We're still very adolescent
in that way,
and unfortunately,
pornography...
When we mess with sexuality,
uh, we're messing with
a basic biological drive
that's essential
to our survival.
And to trivialize something
as powerful as sexuality,
as many are,
as some professionals are,
as culturally,
the entertainment industry is,
is irresponsible.
And even more so,
it's dangerous.
The media is a very
significant force.
I talk to my clients
about the importance
of having a neuro net
around them
and this neuro net, uh,
is basically a media filter
where they have to determine what is
healthy for them, what is unhealthy.
And this is a part of what continues
to build into that objectification
that we have,
where we're not seeing people as whole.
We're seeing parts and pieces of
different moments, and snapshots,
and body parts, and so forth.
The world is now providing us with the
very thing that it's conditioned us for.
More and more novelty,
more and more intrigue.
Something more
and more extreme.
The place where most of that novelty,
that intrigue
really began to take root
on a large scale in daily life
was with the development
of the Internet.
It's no secret that trying to describe
how the Internet changed humanity
for both the better and worse
could be, and maybe should be,
a documentary in and of itself.
But what's more alarming is
how the technology of today
is advancing at a much faster
pace than the Internet ever did.
And its accessibility
creates an anonymity
that is both dangerous
and damaging.
Our ignorance
around technology,
our willingness to incorporate things into
our lives without being informed and educated,
that's the adversary.
Guys will talk about
sitting in the car,
viewing pornography on their phone
as they're driving down the highway.
You know, when they
pull up in the driveway,
the first thing they do is they
hit their history and erase it.
And so, there was
no financial cost.
Nobody could catch them.
Nobody could see them doing it.
There's no cost in terms of the
marriage finding out about it.
They don't have to
worry about someone who saw them in the
adult bookstore seeing them the next day,
or seeing their car in a place
where it's not supposed to be.
So there's an anonymity,
a sense that, "I can do this
and still maintain the image that
I have to everyone around me."
We make computers and technology
our number one relationship
or the entity with which we spend
the most time and invested energy
as well as our sexual self,
then we've essentially
created...
an artificial intelligence
for us to be intimate with,
and we can't truly be intimate
with artificial intelligence.
Hence the term, "Artificial."
We don't go backwards
in this world
when it comes to technology.
So it's only gonna
become more available.
It's only gonna
become more prevalent.
So let's figure out a way
to deal with that reality.
Now that the picture
starts to become more clear
about the accessibility
of porn and modern culture,
it's time to zoom out and look at the
new set of dangers associated with that.
Part of the hope for this film
is to illustrate
the obvious progression
that porn and its ease
of access is creating.
So far, we've learned how
pornography affects the brain,
and we know that
it's now available
to just about anyone old
enough to hold a smart phone.
Admit it or not,
our children are potentially exposed
to massive amounts of pornography on
a daily basis by the tap of a finger.
It's very common now to hear stories
of men experiencing pornography
as young as five,
six years old.
We wouldn't let people learn to shoot
handguns by watching Bruce Willis movies.
And if they did,
we wouldn't be surprised if somebody died.
We shouldn't be surprised that
kids are making bad choices
if they are learning
about sex from pornography.
But that is on us.
It's like you said.
It's a social issue
that we've got to have
a conversation about.
Before my generation,
my parents were talking about finding
Uncle Joe's "Playboy", you know,
over in the corner somewhere.
That's not the case anymore. Print
pornography's kinda going the way of the dodo.
The youth aren't
really interested in that.
What they're looking at online, they're not
even really interpreting as pornography.
They're just looking at it as
something that's like a video game
or anything else
that's entertaining.
That, in and of itself,
is a danger,
because they're not having an
age-appropriate sexual experience,
drawn out over
a natural developmental period.
It's all crammed into a time
when their brain isn't even designed to
handle the natural range of sexuality,
let alone the bizarre and extreme
that the world is now offering them.
It's interesting, most of these scenes,
and Ana Bridges's paper,
which did show that up to
90 percent of porn scenes
do show aggression towards women
also specified, in these scenes,
that they all show withdrawal and
ejaculation on the female's body.
Frequently, in her face.
So, Bill Margold, the pornography star,
interestingly said that,
"I believe the most violent we can
get is ejaculation to the face."
He said, "We want to inundate the
world with orgasms to the face."
So, all these young adolescents
you're referring to
are resonating
with Bill Margold.
He's their new teacher.
What happens with
this pornography exposure,
they're getting a sense of what
relationships are supposed to be like,
based on pornography's myth.
And when we're looking
at what pornography offers,
it's talking and showing
instantaneous gratification.
There is very little,
if any, foreplay.
There's very little, if any,
romance or courtship
in the sense of taking somebody on a date,
and getting to know the family,
and getting to know each others' likes,
and so forth.
We're talking about
somebody knocks on the door,
and within 30 seconds,
we're completely naked and going at it.
And so, that's not the normed
courtship patterns for humans.
It never has been, and it's not
something that sustains intimacy.
In fact, it's...
It deprives intimacy.
When you are a teenager,
you start to come into sexuality,
but you don't know anything about it,
because nobody talk about it.
Nobody give any
transmission about it.
So you are like...
"What do I have to do?
Am I...
Am I allowed to do it?
Should I not do it?
When is it a good time?
Is it a good person?
Am I ready to do it?"
Should kids be learning about
sex from pornography? Fuck, no!
But if they are, why?
They're learning about
sex from pornography,
'cause we're not doing a good
enough job about educating them.
And so, kids are going
to the resource of pornography.
Pornography was never
intended to be educational.
What you get out of the education
here in this country is ridiculous.
As a young tucker,
if I had a look at pornography,
I don't think I would've known
what I was doing, to be honest.
I hope that, you know,
next generations can realize
making love is not choking,
and slapping, and spanking,
and pulling hair while you're having sex.
That's not love. And...
It shouldn't be the porn
industry teaching our kids
how to have sex,
how to make love.
This is the first wave
of digital citizens.
You know, this is
the first wave of kids
for whom, a world without the Internet
sounds like what you and I...
A world without cars. You know?
So, to teach them
how to be good digital citizens
with respect to their sexual...
Respect to all their behavior,
but specifically with respect
to their sexual behavior.
So what is the state
of sexual education
in public schools in the US?
Or the state of education
on pornography, for that matter?
According to findings by the National
Conference of State Legislatures,
it's alarming.
Only 22 states have mandates requiring
public schools to teach sex education.
Nineteen states require that
if sex education is provided,
it must be, quote, "medically,
factually, or technically accurate,"
citing a long list
of cold, clinical criteria.
Three states require parental consent
before a child can receive sex education,
and 35 states allow parents to opt
out on behalf of their children.
In researching this, it not only seems
that sex education is not a high priority,
it's a subject matter that
both educators and parents
are still fearful
of approaching.
It's as real as any other issue that
students go on to face in their adult lives,
yet you see no opt out
for math or science classes.
Ironically, listed among
the same statistics,
are the facts that 47 percent of high school
students say they've already had sex,
one in four girls will become
pregnant by their 20th birthday,
and teen childbearing costs American tax
payers roughly $9.4 billion annually.
So it seems fair to say that considering
what has been learned thus far,
there's a great need to get parents
and educators on the same page
in understanding the importance
of sexual education,
including that of pornography.
By and large, the kids know more
than the adults at this point.
So, the adults, we could really learn a lot
from them if we start opening a dialog,
'cause they're gonna educate us to
what's really happening to them,
what they're really
being exposed to.
And then we can give them at
least a paternal, or maternal,
or a mentor's perspective around
what that might do for them.
Positive and negative.
And thus you see
the linear nature of the issue.
With technology offering
high exposure to porn,
and a limited amount
of education in public schools,
young people then take the
issue into their college years.
Here are some students from
Arizona State University.
No, it's everyone's
normal part of life.
Literally, every single person.
I don't know anyone
who doesn't watch it at all.
I know a lot of guys do it,
and even girls, too,
but I feel like guys do it
more than girls.
Normal with guys my age,
probably just...
Just hooking up at random parties with
people that don't care about you.
It has nothing to do with love,
or being intimate with each other,
or actually caring about each other.
It's just about the act.
So I guess people portray what they see,
what they grow up with.
And again, watching television
and just seeing the ratio
of love versus violence.
It influence little kids,
or teenagers, or young people.
"Oh, girls aren't
worth this much.
They're only worth... I'mma hit it
for a one night stand and then leave.
And then I'll just
meet another girl."
Girls take it more
seriously than guys,
because girls get more attached
to a man after intercourse,
while a guys can just like hit it
and quit it, and it's good and done.
So, maybe women turn to that,
because it's just an easier route,
and they don't feel disrespect.
Historically and traditionally,
it is an emotional bond.
But what we're seeing is
that's also shifting.
You're seeing women more and more
becoming more carnal, if you wanna say,
or there's a physical appetite
there that they're looking to feed.
I don't know if it's an increase in
women actually being affected by it,
or the fact that more and more of them
are willing to come in and get treatment.
Most people, even in current day
culture would find it hard to believe
that the words "woman" and "porn addict"
could belong in the same sentence.
The fact of the matter is
that research now shows
that an estimated one out of every
three pornography addicts is a woman.
And we're not talking about
the emotional pornography
that you might find
in a sappy romance novel,
but full-on, hardcore porn.
So the first time, I remember
pulling it up and seeing some clips.
It was just this
overwhelming rush.
I mean, it was a rush
that I'd never felt before.
It was like, "I'm in a world
right now that is really scary,
and I should not be here,
but I can't step out of it."
It was just...
I'll just never forget.
It was like a cold rush.
Almost like ice going through my veins.
This woman,
who we'll call Jane,
was very open about
her attachment to pornography
and the deep, dark, cold waters
of addiction that she fell into
from the very first time
she saw it.
The minute I woke up,
I had a laptop,
and it was the first thing I did
before I got out of bed
and the last thing
before I went to sleep.
It got to the point of
sometimes six times a day.
And then there would be days that it would
just be playing over and over in my mind.
And at work, I just
couldn't focus on work
until I just took care of things,
you know, to get it out of my mind.
It just... It took over.
It took over my mind.
Just my thought processes.
It altered me. It just...
It's taken away some innocence
from me that I can't get back.
And even now,
I'll find myself slipping into
some behaviors in the bedroom
that I know
where they're coming from.
It wasn't just satisfying enough to
watch a male and a female anymore.
That my level of addiction
had gotten to a place
where I needed
to watch darker things,
and that's really what
started to scare me.
Because it wasn't just,
you know, watching porn.
It was watching things
that were darker and darker.
For Jane, as that addiction got
darker and darker, as she says,
it also cost her
several relationships.
Therein lies a sample of the trend that
is growing more and more amongst society.
As people become increasingly attached
to the bonds formed through pornography,
they become equally detached
from the authenticity of a real
connection with another human being.
That, in turn, gets brought
into future relationships,
typically, with bad results.
The most powerful bonding experience
that we have physiologically
is the bonding
of the sexual relationship.
And so where a person has bonded or connected
their arousal with pornography for so long,
they no longer become sexually aroused
without the use of pornography.
Many of the people that
are looking at pornography,
they'll spend most of their time
looking for that ideal person.
And once they find them,
uh, that person is
no longer ideal anymore.
There's gotta be somebody else.
So they continue the search.
But mostly for them,
it's about mimicking behavior.
It's about, "Oh, okay,
that's how I'm supposed to do it.
That's what I look like
when I'm masculine." Okay?
For women, they look at that,
and the sexual behavior takes a back seat
to the physical appearance of the woman
and the pressure that puts on them.
Sadly, thus begins
the breakdown of intimacy
and the ability to connect
with each other as human beings.
The single men that I work with,
it's ironic how many of them
are not able to have any kind of
relationship because of the pornography.
They, uh, they will
never find anybody that
is exactly the person
that they want
because of what
they've been looking at, uh,
you know,
in their pornography.
Intimacy requires,
obviously, that vulnerability.
But it's that intimacy that
builds a sense of connection,
builds a sense of humanity,
builds a sense of compassion,
builds a sense of humility,
of tenderness, you know,
that exists between
a man and a woman.
When you're looking at sexual
behavior that's aggressive,
you are de-personalizing
the other person,
or objectifying
the other person,
if you wanna look at it
in that language.
"I've made this person
an object of sexual release,
an object of sexual pleasure."
The danger in that is that
we lose the ability to connect.
We lose the ability to truly
empathize with another person.
There's this self-regulation
that we have individually
that also impacts
our relationships.
And we lose that ability
to self-regulate,
not just internally,
which is a tremendous damage,
but we also lose that ability
to self-regulate socially.
It's not destructive,
but it's not constructive.
Because you're just
thinking about you
and your own pleasure,
as I said.
And I think if you do that,
and your partner do that,
it's not great for the couple.
So, Jack meets Jill.
They seem to fall in love.
All is right with the world.
Except for one problem.
One of them,
or potentially both,
have had or still do have
an issue with porn.
The private nature of it is
one of its greatest strengths,
is that it's not
something that's
if ever, rarely, is gonna be something
that you can notice in somebody.
Unless they're verbally discussing it
and describing what they're doing,
most times, you have no clue.
Let's see.
I was a single mom of a young boy,
and we met
through a mutual friend.
He introduced us and...
He was so charming,
and handsome, and just...
I don't know. You just looked at him,
and he was all-American guy.
And, uh, beautiful eyes
and big smile.
He had a good job,
a good education,
and he liked me.
We became best friends very quickly.
And, uh, it worked.
It was really good.
He was my best friend.
He just took my son
under his wing
and really stepped into
that role, which was amazing.
He was it. He was my rock
in so many areas of my life.
He was my protector.
He was my knight in shining armor.
Sometimes we'd go six weeks without
even having any kind of intimacy.
He would say, "Well, I just don't have
the sex drive that most normal guys do."
That's what he would tell me,
and I didn't know.
I mean, I was in my early 20s.
I'm just like, "Okay."
He had a really
difficult time...
either performing or lasting.
And sometimes, we would get to the point
where we couldn't even physically have sex.
And it just... It was over
before it even started.
And it was very difficult.
In my mind, it felt like, "I'm not fat,
I'm not ugly, and I like you.
What's the problem? Like..."
You know?
And sometimes, it was...
Literally, he would try,
and then other times,
it was, you know, "Goodnight,"
as I pranced around
in a nightie or something.
And it just...
It was very...
As a woman,
it was very difficult
to understand
what my role was.
And I know relationships
aren't all about sex,
but I mean, isn't that
a perk of being married?
Let's get it on,
you know, and I just...
It was just
not there sometimes.
My little sister and I,
she was like 11 at the time,
we were on LimeWire,
trying to find some music,
and it popped up
in the history...
some really just bad stuff.
And my sister was like
"What in the world is that?"
I was like, "Ah, don't look at that!"
You know, she's 11!
And I flipped out.
And, you know,
he lied about it.
He blamed it on his brother.
And I banned
his brother from the house.
I said, "He's never allowed
to come back here.
Why would he do that
in our house?"
And I was very hurt.
I was extremely hurt,
and I confronted him about it,
and I said,
"I just don't understand.
You sleep next to me
every night,
and you don't want to
have sex with me, but...
I'll find pictures
of naked women.
So you must have a sex drive.
You must want to have sex or something.
Like, I don't understand.
Just come down the hall, you know,
and lay down next to me.
We can have
that relationship."
And, um, that was
the first time.
And it was scary to me,
I guess.
I didn't understand and...
It was probably in college.
I started college right around,
you know, the birth of the Internet,
as when it started to get big.
And, uh, you know,
I found myself...
I had a single room
that I lived in
and found myself alone in my
room more and more often.
And at that point, you know, I just
figured it was something everybody did,
but I think I noticed
I was doing it more.
But at that point,
I did realize it was a problem.
I figured everybody, you know...
All the college kids do this.
The magnitude of it,
I don't think hit me
until later on
when I was married.
There were multiple times
in my marriage
where she caught me
on the Internet or whatever,
and at that point,
I started saying,
"Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I won't do it anymore."
And that happened
a couple more times,
and at that point,
it was just like... I was...
You know, I thought to myself,
"Well, I'm starting to hide...
I feel like I'm hiding this.
That can't be right."
It's a compulsion.
It's like any other addiction.
Uh, like I said,
when I was young,
it was something
that made me feel good.
It was somewhere I could run to,
um, for protection almost.
Uh, it became a cure
for boredom, for loneliness,
for anger, for sadness,
uh, for anything.
And it...
When I've done something that long,
it's just something you just...
I go back to, and I go back to.
It absolutely made me feel like
something was wrong with me.
It made me feel
un-sexy, un-lovable.
Um, I felt like there had to be
something wrong with me.
It all boiled down to that.
There was something wrong with me.
I was too... I mean,
at the time, gee,
I think I weighed 98 pounds.
You know, I couldn't be skinny enough.
I couldn't be pretty enough.
I think it was more, for me,
that it was...
You know, the act of intimacy and
sex took a whole lot of effort
and for me, at that point,
it was so much easier
to look at pornography.
You know, everything could be,
uh, you know...
There wasn't...
I didn't have to...
please the other person,
the other "person" involved.
Sadly, you know, it just seemed
like it was easier to do that.
I was only gone for maybe three days,
Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
I came home,
and at that point in time,
Carrie Underwood's "Jesus, Take the Wheel"
was a huge song.
And I loved it,
and I was googling the words.
So, I typed in Google search,
"Carrie Underwood, 'Jesus, Take the Wheel'",
and as I'm typing in
"Carrie Underwood",
a list of female names
pops down.
And I'm like,
"What is all of this?"
And my heart starts, you know,
going, because...
I've been kind of
down this road before,
and we were in such a good place
that I was like,
"There's no way.
There's no way that we're
going through this right now."
And I started clicking
on all the names,
and you know how your search
history is with Google,
and even back then,
the page would pop up, and the links
that you go to are already purple,
and the ones that
you haven't gone to are blue.
And it's, you know,
"Jenny XXX" or whatever.
And I'm like,
"What in the hell is all of this?"
So, of course, I'm completely nosy,
and I start clicking on everything.
And I'm just looking at all of these things,
and then I'm furious.
Heart's pounding?
I'm just... I'm a mess.
And I start
taking Post-it Notes,
and I write down every
single female name
that I saw that he clicked on.
And I just put them
all over the desk,
all over the screen,
everywhere.
And at some point in time,
you know, he had come back in,
and he said something to me,
and all I said was,
"Why don't you ask all your girlfriends?"
And he's like...
"Oh."
I'm like, "What the hell
are you doing while I'm gone?
I'm gone for three days.
Are you kidding me?"
I think it really
didn't hit me until...
There was one point
in my marriage, when she...
confronted me about it,
and I kinda came clean.
And it's like,
"I feel like it's me.
But in my head, it doesn't make sense.
It doesn't make sense.
How is it me?
And what is wrong with you?
Why don't you like real women?"
And I think I even said that
to him at some point.
Like, "What is wrong with you?"
And he stopped and...
And we're standing,
you know, in our office,
and he said, "I think
I'm addicted to porn."
And I sat on the floor
in my office, and I bawled.
Because I didn't know what that meant.
What does that mean?
I know what it means
to be addicted to alcohol.
I know what it means
to be addicted to drugs.
What do you mean you're addicted to porn?
What does that mean?
I feel cheated on
a million times over
by a hundred different girls.
I feel inadequate. I feel like
I don't know what to do.
I gave him many ultimatums.
Me or porn.
Your family or porn.
Um, and every time,
he truly, truly believed it,
and I wanted to believe it
when he would say, "I choose you.
I choose my family.
I don't want to look at porn.
I want to be with you,
I want to get better."
Um, and he would cry
and I would cry,
and it never lasted.
He was always
sucked back in.
My knight in shining armor
was a porn addict.
How do you...
How do you pick up
the pieces from that?
How do you go on
with your life
when you've given yourself,
and your son...
and your everything
to this person,
and they can't stop
looking at it?
He has these eyes,
these eyes that are crystal blue.
And I used to love his eyes.
And I got to the point
where I would look at his eyes,
and I wanted to stab him
in his eyes.
I wanted to poke him,
because I knew what
he would look at all day.
And his hands, you know...
When you look at Nathan,
he's so all-American and handsome,
and you would never think...
You know, when you think
of just an addict in general,
you think of dirty, and you don't bathe,
and you're kind of gross.
He was a stand-up,
just handsome man.
And his hands...
I would look at his hands,
and I would cringe
when he'd touch me.
And I would just...
I'd want to cut his hands off.
'Cause I knew what he was
doing with his hands all day.
Just being denied by the man
that you love and want...
over, and over,
and over again, it just...
You just...
There's a point where
you just can't move on anymore.
I think that was the point when I realized
that I needed to do something about it,
but I was still really unable
to make good, solid progress.
I started going
to some meetings,
but it seemed like I wasn't...
really into it for me.
I didn't really want
to make the change.
I just wanted
to save my marriage, and, uh...
I didn't really get it
until it was too late.
I would say that
the victims here
were me, and my children,
and my marriage.
And that's a shame,
and it's a...
It's a crime even,
because you can't even imagine
the pain and the toll
that this took on our family.
It's indescribable.
It's definitely something
that people disagree over,
that pushes boundaries,
and that they fight about.
I think it causes jealousy.
I think it causes insecurity.
And I think it contributes
to the overall situation
that's gonna lead
to the divorce.
And I think it adds
a sexual cheating component
even if actual
cheating isn't occurring,
uh, to that mix.
At least, it adds to the insecurity.
Brad Dalley is a former divorce attorney
who has seen time and time again
situations unfold much like
that of Betsy and Nate.
He points out that
there is another victim here
that really has no control
over the situation.
Well, I mean,
who's the real victim in any divorce?
If there's children,
who pays?
You know, I mean, the kids
are always the ones that lose.
I think the parents lose, too,
but the kids always lose more.
Maybe you believe it doesn't
hurt you or other people,
but if it's hurting your
relationship with your spouse,
um, it's gonna have a...
An impact on your relationship
with your children, as well.
And if that leads
to a divorce, well,
you know, I hope you enjoy spending
a lot less time with your kids,
'cause that's what's
gonna happen.
You know, and have fun explaining
why you got a divorce to people.
Despite Betsy and Nate's best efforts to
shield their children from the situation,
it eventually found its way
into their lives, as well.
So, at the tender age of eight,
I had to sit down
with my son and say,
"This is not how you have
a relationship in real life.
Sex is beautiful,
and it's wonderful.
And one day,
you will experience that,
but not like this.
This is not real.
This is disgusting.
People don't really do this when
they have sex. Not like this."
And how do you really make an
eight year old understand that?
As you can see,
the issue has a massive ripple effect,
not only taking a toll on the addict,
but their partner,
their friends, their family,
their entire environment.
So how does an active addict keep
from perpetuating the issue?
What does a man like Nate
say to his son?
I just tried to tell him
about my experiences, I guess,
and how it's affected my life,
how it's affected my marriage.
How it affects my well-being.
'Cause this is, uh...
I mean,
it's not like a drug
where it physically affects my appearance
or anything like that, but, uh...
From the outside,
I look like a normal guy.
On the inside, half the time,
I'm so twisted up that,
you know, it's... Sometimes it's
hard just to get through a day.
And that's what
I fight against now.
You know, I can never
get that marriage back.
I thank God I didn't
lose my kids because of this.
But it is... It's a moral issue now,
and it's something that just...
You know, it's a battle
for my soul almost.
If I could go back
and change it, I would.
I know that's
not possible now.
Does that bother you?
Yeah.
I mean, uh...
She never... She never asked to
be in a relationship like that.
I can be happy for her now.
You know, that's...
I can be happy for her now that
she's remarried, and she's happy.
You know, there are things that people
say they never wish on their worst enemy,
and this is it.
There's another issue here,
a side effect to be addressed.
Aside from the pain that can be felt through
this synthetic infidelity, if you will,
is the impact it has on the partner,
more commonly the woman,
when they find
themselves competing with
and comparing themselves
to pornography.
When a person finds themselves
trying to outdo a world of options,
sometimes the only option
is to give up.
What pornography does is say that the
only thing that is valued is youth,
and beauty, and the, uh...
The view of beauty is,
uh, basically what
Hollywood has been selling,
that they've got to be a certain age,
certain body type, certain shape.
And, uh, yeah,
that's... That's...
very degrading to wives
to see, you know,
their husband is not satisfied with her,
which is the way she sees it.
But when you look at women,
and how they're,
in one of the ways they are negatively
impacted by porn, all right,
it has to do with the image of
the women that they see on film
and the quote-unquote
"perfection" of their body.
The way that the stereotypical
portrayal of what beauty looks like
absent the sexual behavior.
The sexual behavior for many
of the women is irrelevant
to, "What does
that woman look like,
and do I need to now
live up to that?"
Because when you're with a man that
you know has been watching porn,
you think he's looking at you
because you don't look like them.
That your body isn't great.
You know, that you
can't do it for him.
Women just obsess
and obsess about that.
And you get to a point where you
just almost want to give up.
You know, you just feel like, "I can never
compete with that, so why even try?"
So, a lot of my friends
have those issues.
They lose their self-esteem.
They lose their identity.
They feel less than.
I just think that men
need to understand that
not every girl is gonna do
what the girls in the clips do,
and to put that kind of demand
on a female is really unfair.
You know, so I think women
just need to be able to say,
"I'm just...
I'm not gonna do that."
I remember thinking,
"These women are beautiful,
and I am not like that.
And he could have a new girl
at the click of a button,
and I'm just me.
But I love you, and I don't
understand why I'm not good enough.
I am a real woman with stretch
marks and a saggy butt.
Uh, what more do you
want from me?
I really... I'm not fat.
I'm not ugly.
I do love you. I'm not perfect.
But I cannot compete with that
no matter what I do. I can't."
My... perception of myself
changed so drastically.
I still struggle with some
of the residual from that.
And... And...
I don't feel like I had the...
You know, men are supposed
to be nurturing to their wives,
and make them feel beautiful, and all of
those things, and I didn't feel any of that.
They want to know that
there is a man that they desire,
that they respect,
that looks at them,
and treats them differently than
any other woman in the world.
That there is something special
or unique about who they are
that can somehow touch this man
the way no other woman does.
So, woman who have that need,
women who have that desire
in a world where
pornography is the norm
are totally hopeless to feel
special in a real relationship.
Here's an
interesting thought.
It takes alcohol less than 24
hours to leave your system.
Cocaine takes about
two to four days.
But pornography can never
be purged from the mind.
Essentially, the person's
carrying around their drug.
So, memories of
previous viewings,
of previous images
can be replayed any time.
And so, a person that is not in
recovery will re-play those images,
and that will trigger
an intense desire to revisit
and to escalate with time.
Just what is it that keeps drawing
people into the deep chasm of porn
and holding them there?
Many experts and those that are
stuck in the throes of addiction
have a simple term for that psychological
process that holds so many captive.
The shame cycle.
You know, secrets have shame attached
to them. As long as a person has
that secret behavior
and the shame,
I think it acts really like a magnet
to draw them back into that behavior.
A person's feeling bad
about what they're doing.
"Gee, what would
make me feel better?"
It's torturous.
I've worked with too many
spouses and partners of folks
who've been struggling with
sexually compulsive behaviors
to not see it as a completely
traumatic experience for them.
And so the trauma that they're
going through is very real.
And when we go into a trauma state,
what do people tend to do in their trauma?
They don't tend to reach out.
They tend to close in.
They go back and revert to whatever it was,
historically, that they used in the past
to take care of themself.
It's exactly how it works.
Once you...
Once I would, you know,
go all the way, so to speak,
and look at porn,
and masturbate,
and get what I was after,
I would feel terrible.
I'd feel awful about it,
and at that point, that shame just
kept building up inside of me,
and building up and building up
to the point where I was looking to
not feel ashamed of myself anymore.
And what would I do?
Go back to the only way that I knew
how to make myself feel better.
It's both a consequence
and a precursor.
It's a byproduct
of what I've been doing.
It's the shame,
and it leads me back into it.
And then by doing it,
it builds up the shame,
and we call it the shame cycle.
We call it the addictive cycle.
It just keeps playing
itself back out.
It's a self-defeating cycle,
self-defeating process.
And it's the one thing
I can go to
to alleviate the pain that I
feel as a result of doing it.
It's insidious.
One of the biggest
costs that's there
is in the struggle with
my own sense of identity.
I maintain
to the people around me
that I am
this one particular person.
And my way of viewing myself,
I see myself
much less of a person
than what I portray
to those around me.
Every time I participate in
behavior that I deem to be wrong,
that I believe
to be something that
people who are important to me
would disapprove of that behavior,
the gap between
who I see that I am
and who I portray to other
people becomes larger.
And the larger that gap, the more my
sense that I am a poser, an impostor.
The more my sense
that I am a fraud.
The more of a sense that if people knew me,
they would reject me.
And so, the walls
and the barriers to intimacy
become higher,
and stronger, and thicker.
So it really is a shame cycle,
and it continues over. If anybody found out,
you know, that I struggle with this...
How do I come clean with this?
When I'm in my deepest shame,
it's when I'm in those places
where I have
my biggest vulnerabilities.
And human beings are fairly vulnerable
when it comes to our sexuality.
Being naked with another person
and being seen.
"Do I perform well? Do I measure up?
Am I doing the right things?"
And anything that's outside
of the quote-unquote "norm",
the consequence to the human
being that's experiencing that
is gonna be despair, and hurt,
and confusion, and fear.
And I have no desire for anybody
to know this about me,
and I'll do anything and
everything to throw a mask on,
so you don't see
this part of me.
I think that shame and stigma
are really damaging
and dangerous.
You know, as a kid,
I was born with one hand,
and I grew up being different.
I know what it's like
to be different.
And I know what it's like to be stigmatized
and excluded as being different.
That's what I see happening with people who
are called porn addicts and sex addicts.
They're shamed.
They're said they're different.
They're told, "There's
something wrong with you,
and you need to stop."
The DSM-5,
otherwise known as the "Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders",
is the standard classification
of mental disorders
used by mental health professionals
in the United States.
In it, you will find such
disorders as schizophrenia,
anorexia, bulimia, hoarding,
even gambling addiction.
What you won't find is any
literature on sexual addiction,
more specifically,
addiction to pornography.
Ask those in the field,
and you'll get a myriad of answers
ranging from "a void
of scientific proof,"
"society being behind the curve
in understanding its own nature."
Or the DSM simply lacking
common sense.
One thing is apparent.
There is a clear need to begin discussing
and understanding this issue
and its very real existence,
how ever it is to be labeled.
Problematic porn use
looks like addiction.
Is it?
That's the question.
That's the question
at the heart of it.
Is it addiction
in the same way
that addiction to drugs exists?
Is there a tolerance?
Does it take more of
that drug of choice
to bring about the same
kind of behavior?
Are they engaged in things that,
in behaviors that are harming
them or harming somebody else?
Do they repeat 'em?
Do they lie to cover it up?
Do they make efforts to stop
and are unable to stop?
Do they make promises to stop,
and then they go back,
um, to that same old behavior?
When I see all of these
things taking place,
then I say, you know, there probably is
an addiction going on with that person,
whether they
recognize it or not.
And then there is the DSM-5.
In the DSM-5,
the new manual for addictions,
the word "addiction" is...
The new manual for mental health disorders,
I'm sorry.
The word "addiction"
is used once.
And it's used
with a line that says...
"Addiction is not
a precise enough term anymore."
Because we don't really
know what it means.
Sex looks just like those drugs,
and the more
we learn about that,
the more we understand
it's a contextual thing, really.
That's why the American Society
of Addiction Medicine,
which is comprised of
medical doctors like myself,
who are more biologically based,
redefined addiction in 2011
as a disease of the brain.
They used the "disease" word.
Affecting three systems,
reward, motivation, and memory.
And the second part
of their definition was that
sex, food, and gambling
are addictions
just as much as alcohol,
cocaine, or heroin.
And yet, one the DSM is
gonna say is an addiction,
and the other is not?
It's ludicrous. It really is.
And the DSM-5 is deeply
flawed for that reason.
And so, anyone that
would... would say that
if it's not in the DSM-5,
it's not an addiction
simply doesn't understand
the neurobiology of the brain.
There's so many subjective perspectives
on that based on family of origin,
culture, heritage,
faith, and so forth,
that it's going to require
very specific data,
very specific empirical evidence
to even get
the conversation started.
And even then,
as you well know,
many people, despite evidence,
will still push back against that.
And that's common
throughout humanity.
But we have to at least
have that data.
Be it psychological
or biological,
the rift between these
two very important fields
could well be one of
the reasons that this issue
has flown under the radar
for so long.
Imagine if the two
very intelligent groups united.
I personally don't see the two
sides needing to be at odds.
At the end of the day, we want to
help individuals that are struggling.
You say it's this.
We say it's that.
At the end of the day,
we want the same outcome.
We want them to have mental health.
We want them to have emotional health.
We want them to have
relational health.
We want them to have success, and stability,
and a sense of well-being within themselves.
And I think there's
multiple ways to get to that.
And I don't see us needing to
be as diametrically opposed
as many times we're being
pitted against each other.
Speaking of
biology versus psychology,
is it fair to ask if this is an
issue of neurochemical dependency
versus moral deficiency?
In essence, are we talking about
addiction versus being a bad person?
When you talk about
addiction of any kind,
the thing that's the most difficult for
people to relate to is the loss of control.
That people who aren't,
who can't relate personally,
look at somebody...
who's in the grips of addiction and say,
"How could you choose
X, Y, Z over your family?
How could you choose
drugs over your kids?
How could you choose
porn over your wife?"
That's very hard for the
average person to relate to.
And yet,
on the flip side,
the person that's struggling with
that addiction in its true form
looks at it and says,
"What choice?"
And I found something in it
that was so repulsive to me,
but yet it was such a dark place
to kind of hide out.
I don't know.
For me, it just...
It got me,
and it would not let go of me.
It was the most shameful thing
that I've ever had to deal with.
Is there a way we can talk about it
then without using the moral card?
Absolutely.
So, it's not just
a moral problem
for people that believe
in morals.
It is a brain problem.
It is an addiction independent
of any moral basis or judgment.
By and large, no, this is not a value-less
person that you're dealing with,
a moral-less person.
It's somebody who has really
strong values and morals
but has become
disconnected from them,
or become distracted from them,
or their obsession
has pulled them away
from a focus in that part of them
that is their healthiest self.
And there is still a part of them
that's screaming and saying,
"Please get me
back to balance.
But I don't know how to get there without
doing the thing that I know to do now
that feels like balanced
and normal."
The person who's spending
his time with pornography, um,
you know, if it's approached
as a moral problem,
then the response is,
uh, for him to feel shame,
and, uh,
you know, if somebody
will just preach to him enough
and really make him understand
how bad he is,
maybe he'll stop.
No, he doesn't stop.
Shame ends up being
a very powerful, um,
a very powerful trigger then.
A very powerful, uh,
thing that propels
the addiction.
Whatever your
perspective may be,
we cannot just pretend that this
pornography issue doesn't exist.
It has very real, very apparent
potential to infiltrate individuals,
relationships, families,
and break down the very nature of
community as it's meant to be.
We are sexual beings.
We always have been and always will be.
It's how we begin to handle
that sexuality now,
or at least try
to understand it,
that will have great
impact on the future.
As we lose the ability
to be intimate,
what we can predict
is a generation of children
that have this inability to
self-regulate themselves emotionally.
An inability to form satisfactory,
close human relationships,
who will then pass it on to their children,
who'll pass it on to their children.
When we say
something is an addiction,
the answer is real easy.
Stop doing it.
The answer here
is not so simple.
These are complex issues
that involve marriages,
involve sexual values,
involve men and women,
involve masculinity and femininity,
involve education,
involve culture and society,
involve sexually
transmitted diseases,
involve libido
and all kinds of things.
If your film can generate
that kind of conversation,
I think it's healthy.
I think that's the ultimate goal,
and that's my ultimate goal.
Because calling it addiction
stops the conversation.
We've walked on the moon.
We can perform
intricate surgeries.
We can write beautiful sonnets.
We can compose music.
We can do all
of these marvelous things.
We can love our children,
our spouse,
experience these powerful,
deep human emotions.
And then we cheapen it
by commoditizing human beings.
We're better than that.
We're much better than that.
Sexuality has a much higher
purpose in humans than that.
The unfortunate thing is that
pornography is ruining and destroying
many families, uh,
and many individuals.
Black and white thinking
when it comes to pornography
is just not a luxury that
we can indulge ourselves in.
That's a scary thing to think about,
when you talk about
how does this impact the formation of
coupleships and family establishment?
And then there's the values
that we carry forth, of
do we see ourselves
as a communal being,
or do see ourselves
as individuals in isolation?
Be careful with pornography.
Don't treat it like
it's a benign thing.
Because it's not.
And when people perceive an actual
partner in real life as bad porn,
then we've really taken
a real critical shift
for the worse, in my opinion.
The idea of porn addiction
and sex addiction
is about a moral conflict
within the person
and within society.
I think it is really important
that we help people
have that conversation.
And that is precisely
the sole purpose of this film,
to initiate conversation.
It is not to indict,
to accuse, or to demonize.
It is to shine a light into a darkness
that looms over us as a human race.
Some may contend that
pornography is a neutral element
that is harmless
unless used irresponsibly.
To the contrary,
as we've shown,
it is shackling our children
to a powerful,
preconceived notion of false intimacy.
It is teaching them a lie.
It is belittling spouses,
emasculating men,
and destroying the beautiful
essence of women.
It can no longer be the
erotic elephant in the room
that we hide behind the closed
doors of our homes and offices.
It can no longer be
the educator of our youth.
Is it the fear of social disgrace that
keeps us from permitting each other
to be free of its bondage?
Like it or not,
admit it or not,
it is here, and it is harmful.
It's time to talk about it
openly and honestly
in all facets of society.
There is great power
among people
when they learn that they're
not alone in a struggle.
There is, conversely, great power in
the shame that keeps people down.
And shame should not win.
A man named Tinbergen
in 1973, won the Nobel Prize
for describing what he termed
as supernormal stimulus.
In other words,
a stimulus that an animal encounters
that's above the natural stimulus
they would encounter in nature.
He took butterflies,
and it was a species where
the male would find the female
based on the color
and size of her wings.
And so he painted cardboard butterfly,
female butterfly wings
that were bigger and brighter
than natural female butterflies.
And lo and behold, the males would
ignore the female butterflies.
I think humans are
following a similar path
with regard to mating
with celluloid
and mating
with electrons on a screen,
just like the butterflies
tried to mate
with these artificial,
cardboard butterflies.