Adult Beginners (2014) Movie Script
1
Hi, I'm Jake Winton.
If you're receiving this video,
it means that you have invested
in MINDS i.
It also means that we have
raised $2.5 million
to start production
on the sickest piece
of wearable technology
on the market today.
It's also much more affordable
than any of our competitors.
I'm not gonna name any names,
but I think you
know who you are.
I'm telling you,
there is no other product
on the market today that is
as comprehensive, easy to use,
and fucking cool as MINDS i.
Wired Magazine, TechCrunch,
and a whole mess
of other media agree.
Look, I'm not an inventor.
I'm an investor.
All of my money is
in this product.
I know a good thing
when I see it,
and I want you guys
to see it all, so thank you.
And you're welcome.
Gersh, congrats,
her dad's out of jail.
Love the Windsor.
Chatakov, thank you
for the pork bun rack.
Sam, you're not on the list,
you can't be here.
Hey, dude, take off
the braided belt.
No bullshit in my house, okay?
- It's Hudson's apartment.
- Do what he says, dick.
- Dick.
- You're gonna kill it, Dick.
We're in for another 75K.
This launch is gonna be huge.
When I look around this room,
I see so many people
that I love...
for their money.
But this is where I say
something that I really mean.
I really want to thank you guys
all for being here
and investing your money
and your time
and your trust into MINDS i.
You are all gonna be so much
more interesting to talk to
at a dinner party
a week from now,
and you are gonna have
so much more money on paper.
- Whoo!
- To MINDS i.
Not bad.
Now, please, everybody
enjoy their champagne.
It's filled with rufies,
so we're gonna have
a good fucking time tonight.
Oh, my God, you guys,
that is so hot.
Mmm, yeah, it is.
Who wants a cup of coffee?
Mmm... I do.
Yes.
Hey, lawyer man, tell me
you're bringing by more demos.
People want their eyes to get
fucked by technology.
Hudson, please.
They're the manufacturer.
What do you mean,
they can't manufacture the part?
No, no, fuck.
Look, it's China,
it's a big-ass country.
We'll just find someone else
to make the part, okay?
We just need to keep this quiet
and keep the launch smooth.
You're reading this
off of TechCrunch, aren't you?
Jesus Christ.
It's already out.
You guys are gonna
leave me in here?
B dog.
What, did you have
your fucking mom
do the production research?
My mom's dead.
- Right.
- But we're gonna find
a new manufacturer
and make this right.
Fuck you, fuck head.
Already on the phone, I love it.
Yeah, no, I'm on my way home.
He... he lost all the money.
See you, man.
What time is it?
We are gonna watch the sun rise
every day together, dude,
until your soul is healed.
Oh, I can't stay here.
Tickets.
Get your tickets out, please.
I'm sorry, I forget where...
I put it.
There it is.
Going backwards makes
a lot of people nauseous.
Yeah, I don't get nauseous, man.
New Rochelle.
Be there in no time.
Hey, man, where's my money?
I trusted you, give me a call...
Hey, great party.
Way to fuck up my life.
Stop texting Kat, okay?
She broke up with you, dude.
The end, she's done.
Hey, Jake, my kids aren't
going to camp
this summer.
Thanks, buddy.
I just wanted to let you know
that you probably shouldn't come
to the reunion this weekend.
You better find
another fucking manufacturer...
Hey, Jake, I want you to tell
my wife that she's probably
gonna have to get a second job.
I changed your name
in my phone
to "life ruiner."
Jake, don't come
to my birthday party next week.
I wanted to leave you
a voice mail
so you could hear in my voice
how disappointed and angry
and pissed I am!
Hey.
It's Jake, your brother.
I left you messages.
Well, I had no idea...
What are you doing here?
Hi.
Uh...
Do you not answer
your phone anymore?
I know, yeah,
it's basically impossible
for me to talk on the phone.
Hi... come in, hi.
- Hi.
- Ugh.
Whoa.
You all right?
No, it's good.
I'm good, I'm fine.
I'm pregnant.
Really? Wasn't Teddy born,
like, yesterday?
He's three.
He is?
And there's another one
in there?
There's like nothing going on
with this belly.
Sorry, I just... I don't like
people touching it.
But you can touch it.
No, it's fine, I don't need
to touch anything.
So how pregnant are you?
13 weeks.
Wow.
Why aren't you wearing
your glasses?
I got Lasik.
You had surgery?
You don't have surgery
without telling people.
I could have come in for that.
When did you do it?
I don't know.
Last year.
Wow.
Your eyes look kind of buggy.
Yeah, that's what I was
going for.
Maybe you should check
your thyroid.
You should check your thyroid.
Sorry, this is Teddy's
wake of destruction.
Just step over that turtle,
and have a seat.
Where is Teddy?
Teddy!
He's actually at daycare,
and I have a early meeting,
so can you stay for dinner?
Yeah.
Is it cool if I crash here?
Tonight?
Sure.
Oh, don't sit there.
Sorry, that's where
Teddy puts his leaf babies
to sleep.
Oh, that's where his leaf babies
sleep, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
So, how long do you
need to stay?
For a couple nights.
That's a big bag.
Yeah, well, I couldn't cram
everything into a little bag
when my entire world
imploded upon itself.
You don't seem very focused.
Huh?
I'm focused.
I'm focused on you
and on folding this laundry
and on not being late.
What is going on?
Well, you can basically take
the last three years of my life
and light them on fire.
Company's fucked.
My girlfriend dumped me.
People hate me.
Oh. Did you, uh,
lose a lot of money?
Oh, yeah, no, I lost, uh,
all of my money and then some,
and then I lost a lot
of other people's money,
which feels
surprisingly terrible.
Dude, can you just
take the day off?
I can't.
I-I've been out a lot lately
and my principal is tracking
my level of commitment, so...
Whatever.
You're gonna be fine, Jake.
Fuck those people.
I'm done with the city.
Your shirt's buttoned wrong.
Oh.
Shit. Thanks.
So, if it's a couple of months,
Is that okay? Three months?
Jesus, three months?
I'm sorry I didn't schedule
my life falling apart
better for you.
That's not what I'm saying.
You just...
You show up here
with your big bag,
and you haven't been out here
for at least a year.
I was here for Teddy's birthday.
We invited you
and you didn't come.
Well, I wanted to be there,
okay?
That counts for something.
- I have to talk to Danny.
- Like ask him permission?
Like have a conversation
where I ask him
how he feels about you living
with us for three months
because he's my husband.
Can you answer me
as to why there are
so many new sconces
around the house?
We're trying to sell the house.
Could you maybe not sell
our childhood home right now?
Please?
I'm really sorry, Jake.
Look, just...
Just hang out,
and eat whatever you want,
and I'll be home tonight
and we can all have dinner.
Okay.
It's freezing in this house.
Can you get me a sweatshirt,
please?
Ah! Fuck you,
you pressed wood piece of shit.
Oh, look who it is.
Good nap?
Yeah, I forgot where I was.
You were in my bed
with your shoes on.
- Uh...
- It's okay.
Hey, sorry to hear about,
you know, everything.
Oh, no worries.
So you gonna replace that door
with more sconces?
We're doing reclaimed walnut.
Justine and Teddy are upstairs.
Oh, I'll go say hi to them.
You know what, no, no,
don't do that.
She's pretty upset
about that nap.
Why don't you be
my little helper?
Help me take the door off.
You know I pay a guy to hang
pictures in my apartment.
Dude, it's very easy.
You just take this,
put it in there...
- Uh-huh.
- And then look.
Exciting.
- Do I need goggles?
- No, dude.
Like that?
Yeah.
Oh!
- Oh, ho.
- Lookit, lookit.
- Hey!
- Hey! Holy shit!
- Hey.
- Teddy!
Unky!
Look how big you are!
You're like an adult man.
I'm holding an adult man!
I have a train table.
Yeah, I just used
an electric screwdriver.
Let's go crazy!
Let's go crazy in the morning.
We just came in
to say goodnight.
Good night?
What time is it?
7:45.
Time for books and bed.
- Oh!
- What?
Shit, that means I've been
sleeping for, like, nine hours.
91/2.
Shucks, that's a long nap.
Shucks!
You can't be mad at people
for napping.
Dude, we get mad at anybody
who gets any sleep.
Okay, Mr. Monster Man,
let's bring it in.
- Family hug.
- Bring it in.
- Family hug. Come on.
- No!
Oh!
I'm hungry, I'm gonna have to
eat some of... grr.
No, you can't eat him!
All right.
- Mwah.
- I'll start dinner.
- Hi.
- Good night.
- Okay.
- Good night!
Night, Teddy.
What is that?
- This guy.
- Is that that...
Is that that song
from The Shining?
Yeah, this guy wants to kill me.
I love that song.
Jeez, You guys are eating
like rescue dogs.
I know, we got to slow down.
You talk to him yet?
No.
What?
I need to stay here
for a few months.
Yeah, sure.
Mm!
What?
My sister moved back in
with my parents
after she had
that nervous breakdown,
dropped out of school.
Same thing.
Yeah, it's the same thing
as that.
I haven't had a chance
to talk to him yet.
I can help out around the house,
buy groceries, build stuff,
rip shit out of walls as needed.
You want to watch Teddy?
Yeah, sure.
I'll watch cartoons with him
while you guys have
a night on the town.
I could do that, like,
every other week.
He can watch Teddy.
You mean like "watch him"
watch him?
- No.
- Come on, dude.
That day care sucks.
It's not clean.
The kids are always
licking the toys, and...
One got whooping cough
last week.
Yeah, It's fucking dark ages
there.
Plus, he'll help us out
money-wise.
We're not broke.
Well...
What?
Hi.
What the fuck's going on?
I...
Nothing, it's...
Well,
I guess...
The idea on the table
is that you...
stay for a few months,
and you look after Teddy.
Guys, I'm talking about,
like, buying groceries,
maybe build a few things.
I need you to make me
feel better.
Come on, you fuck.
He's cute.
You need to get a flu shot.
We'll take care of it, dock it
out of your pay, or whatever.
Oh, we're paying him now?
We can't not.
Can't not.
How much we talking about?
A day?
A week, maybe.
You should take it, bro.
Fine.
Awesome!
I'm gonna get the Breyers.
You seriously gonna do this?
You know I have a DUI, right?
You don't trust me
with your kid?
Absolutely.
Dude!
The old room.
I'm gonna need, like, four guys
to get rid of that thing.
- It's all right.
- Look,
left your dope-ass
Bar Mitzvah thing up.
Guess I had a lot of interests.
Still badass.
Are you okay?
Do you want to talk?
No, I'm good.
Open or closed?
Closed.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, so you're cool, right,
with the whole thing?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Fine.
Okay.
He decides when he comes
and when he goes, you know.
Whatever works for him.
Okay, so we are gonna
talk about it?
No, no, I'm sorry.
I'm done.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay.
You know, he doesn't even
know how old Teddy is.
I just don't... I mean, it's not
like he has to get him anything.
He's just like my dad.
Everything's a fly-by, I...
He just shows up here like...
Okay, I'm gonna go
and drink a coke
- so we can keep talking about it.
- No, it's fine.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
I...
He's my brother.
Okay.
Fuck, I forgot
to brush my teeth.
Spit in this.
I love you.
Hmm?
I love you.
- I'm sorry, I didn't...
- Okay.
I'm jumping.
Stop.
Stop, Teddy.
Too early, buddy.
Stop jumping on the bed, okay?
It's 7:00.
We've been up for two hours.
- What?
- Yeah.
He has?
How's that possible?
That's crazy.
It's going down!
Can you... I really feel it.
Can you?
Yeah, I can feel it.
Unky Jake needs a little coffee,
and then I'll be ready
to play, okay?
Coffee bean!
Coffee beans!
"I used to just splash.
Now I make waves.
"I used to be shy.
Now I am brave.
"I used to just watch.
Now I can dig.
I used to be little.
Now I am big."
How is this not
putting you to sleep?
Okay, Teddy's gonna be
a good boy
while Unky Jake
does his business.
No, Teddy, you can't
play with that.
That is a heavy
glass paperweight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't play with glass
like that, buddy.
Okay.
Hold on a second,
we're gonna deal with this.
This better be an emergency.
Yeah, no, this is an emergency.
I can't even go to the bathroom
without him breaking something.
I'm here with a student
who is literally
a million times smarter
than you.
She's gonna get into Harvard.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Jake, just leave the door open.
I tried leaving the door open,
but your devil child
wouldn't listen to me.
I'm sorry,
it's my little brother.
He's kind of an idiot.
Oh my God, mine's
an effing moron.
You really think
I can get into Harvard?
Yeah, I really do.
Don't climb up there.
Teddy, please,
just give me one minute.
Teddy, that's...
t's fragile.
I know you think
this is hilarious,
but this is one of the more
embarrassing events of my life.
Look, Jean, if Shirley's gonna
organize meeting with parents
about college prep strategy
during lunch,
I'm gonna need
a little more notice.
What's happening?
Are we rescheduling?
You left me a note
about a parent meeting?
Yes, I did, right there
in your mailbox.
I have a cell phone.
Yes, I know you have
a cell phone.
- They're everywhere.
- Look, Shirley,
my brother just showed up
out of nowhere
and he's staying with us.
I'm pregnant.
I have a doctor's appointment.
Listen, I'm sure
the baby will be great,
but I would like
for you and I to be great,
and that means we gotta put
a little more effort
into our communication.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So let me be clear.
You want me to miss
my ultrasound appointment
to check that my baby is healthy
because I didn't check
my mailbox?
Jean, we'll reschedule.
Can you make that happen?
And please look around
and find my password.
I can never remember it.
Yeah?
Hi, uh, how do you
open the stroller,
and what time
are you coming home?
You step down on it, and then
you push the handles up and out.
I can't talk, I'm at work.
I gotta go.
Who I am,
not for what
you wanted me to be.
I just wanted you to be happy.
That's all.
Oh, my God.
Sweet rides, right?
Good afternoon, ladies.
What, you've never
seen a kid in a suitcase before?
Who's a stud, Teddy?
Me!
Yeah, that's right.
Suitcase stud!
Kind of a beat scene,
huh, Teddy?
Teddy, why don't you go hit
the monkey bars for a second?
Yeah, why don't you go hit
the jungle gym, bud.
Oof.
They grow up so fast now,
they can just play on their own.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
How old's your little boy?
She's a girl.
No doubt, no doubt.
You're a girl too, aren't you?
I'm Jake.
Blanca.
Blanca?
But you're not white?
Funny.
- I know, right?
- Mm-hmm.
It's crazy.
Yeah, it's funny,
'cause it's like...
- Whoo! Pa-pow, pow, pow!
Pa-pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
Pa-pow, pow!
Hey, Armin.
Hey, Blanca.
Mwah.
- How are you, gorgeous?
- No, you're gorgeous.
No, Georgia is gorgeous.
Hello, Georgia.
Hey, if you want,
Bash and I are gonna go
have snacks
on the giant turtle today,
- so you are invited.
- Ooh.
Oh, shit, I forgot
to feed Teddy.
Do you have any snacks?
Hey, language, man.
Just a little something.
I'm sorry, he...
- Wow.
- So this is Teddy's nanny.
Oh.
I'm actually his uncle,
and what does "oh" mean?
Ah, nothing, man.
I'm just effing with you.
Oh, hey, are you guys going
to the wool festival today?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, great.
You're gonna love this.
It's... they've got live sheep.
The kids can pet the sheep.
There's a knitting workshop.
The kids go crazy for it.
There's a yarn toss.
- Remember, we went last year.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, is that where you made
the pizza hat?
Nope, Blanca got me this hat.
'Cause I was gonna say,
it's awesome.
- Yeah.
- I mean, everybody loves pizza.
You know, I'm not touching carbs
right now, but...
- We're going.
- Okay, good.
Oh, shit.
No, don't sip it from the straw.
Hold it up to your face,
please, okay?
There you go, like that.
- Good.
- Hey!
Oh.
Hi, little monster.
How's my little baby?
You okay, hey, honey?
I'm letting him do
whatever he wants.
Hey, you did exactly
what I would've done.
Tongues and lips bleed
like a m-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k-e-r.
- Hey, hey. Let me see.
- I don't know what you're spelling.
I called you, like,
a gazillion times, with information.
Hey, I'm sorry. I know,
I had my phone on silent.
I had five students today
who didn't
get into their first choice
of schools.
It was an s-h-i-t-show.
- Just stop spelling.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I had to pry his mouth open
to see if his teeth
were still there.
It was fucking rough.
My God, you still have
baby blood on your shirt.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh.
Okay, hey, let me wash it.
I'll wash it off for you.
Jake.
Whoa, what's up, Channing Tatum?
Huh?
What is up with that?
That is my letter of resignation
written in baby blood.
Come on, it's been one day.
Where are you going?
I don't know, I just... I gotta
go out for a little while.
I'll bring the car back,
and then I'm gonna figure out
where I'm gonna go next.
Jake, come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you my little monster?
Huh?
Yeah?
Let me see your mouth, baby.
Oh.
Hey, are you smoking
my cigarettes?
What?
You're smoking?
- No.
- You're an idiot.
- Don't yell at me.
- I'm not yelling at you.
Please.
You're about to have two kids.
No cigarettes, please.
And they're not yours.
You have to ask.
Smooshed.
You know I can just buy more.
Not on your salary.
Good night, assholes.
Ow.
Don't kiss me so it hurts.
So what's up?
Uh, nothing.
Well, what are you gonna do now?
Well, I was gonna sit here
and obsess over all the shit
I've done wrong
the last few years,
and then probably fall asleep
watching Bravo.
Want to smoke pot?
I don't have pot.
So cigarettes are a no-fly zone
but she's okay with this,
or she doesn't know about this?
Dude, I stopped this.
When he turned two, I stopped.
And she didn't even ask me
to stop.
She was like,
"You don't have to stop
'cause he's getting older,"
and I was like,
"I don't... I want to stop,"
and she's like, "Well, you don't
have to want to stop just
because he's getting older."
I-I'm like...
I don't know... Dude, I don't
know, stop asking questions.
Hey, you like the renovations?
No.
Nah.
I like that you like
staying up late.
I love staying up late.
And this... this gets
the smell out?
Fuck yeah.
It's unreal, man.
I did, like, a whole system.
I put fucking Joy's blanket
that she gave us... right?
That's perfect...
Fan, fucking box...
Oh, sure, but you know what?
I always forget to do this.
You know, Teddy has got
the tiniest fucking hands.
He puts 'em all over everything
so I have to do this.
His hands are tiny.
Dude, it's no joke.
They're teeny.
- His hand is tiny.
- He says...
His mom... I mean,
your sister's are tiny.
His little ears... his ears.
The ears, you can't even see
your sister's ears.
Justine's...
Hold on, what is that?
That something?
So what's your plan?
Well, I'm gonna eat
all the Cheddar Bunnies
in the goddamn universe.
After that, I don't know.
Are you scared?
I don't want
to start over again.
At least I'm not getting
death threats anymore.
Fuck it, dude, you should just
open a cheese shop.
Or a bakery.
Like, little, tiny pies.
That's all anybody wants,
is comfort, right?
All right, 17 weeks.
Great.
If you want me to film this, I...
No.
Are you wanting to know
the sex of the child?
Don't.
Don't say anything.
Danny likes surprises.
I can't even look at this.
Oh, my God, what is that?
What?
- Babe, you're an asshole.
- Just relax.
Fluid looks great.
Yes, my fluid.
It looks good.
You can't be that happy,
you're getting a massage
in a strip mall.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Wow.
Been drinking?
No. I had, like,
31/2 glasses of Riesling.
Dude, You can't drink
and drive my car.
Okay, Dad.
You already know I have a kid,
that's not really an insult.
I'm not drunk.
Good day?
Yeah, yeah, I went...
Got some frozen yogurt
waiting for that bar to open.
Cross Creek Square.
Awesome.
Yeah, you know that one,
it's across the street
from the frame store and that
sad-ass spa. You been there?
Got a lot of choices over there.
You can get whatever you want.
A lot of toppings.
So how was that spa?
Okay, I don't wanna...
What?
I don't know.
Look at me, I'm drunk,
and I'm not even gonna
remember this tomorrow.
You're not drunk, dude.
Okay, listen to me.
I went and I had a massage
with my business associate.
I know that sounds bad,
but we weren't even
in the same room.
It's not a good spa.
I came in here for juice.
Hey, look, I fuck around on all
my girlfriends a little bit,
so don't listen to me. I don't
even know what I'm saying.
You know what you're saying.
I'm not saying anything.
Nothing happened, okay?
Except the occasional couples
massage in separate rooms.
Anything else?
I don't know.
Do we need to talk?
Okay, I'm gonna go
to my air mattress now.
Add the power of oxygen
to every load...
When you open a restaurant,
it's scary, 'cause you're
putting yourself out there.
Hey. You want to watch
something stupid?
Hmm?
Like Chopped?
I'd be asleep before they even
fuck up the appetizers.
Justine, come on.
You know what's on next.
House Hunters International.
Move over.
Your touching my elbow.
Oh, shit.
What... why are you up so early?
I thought we should spend
some time together today.
Okay.
Since it's...
You know, the anniversary.
Mom died on the 15th.
It's tomorrow.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
I'm going back to bed.
No, no, come on, come on.
You're already up.
Hi, Duncan.
So where are you gonna move?
I don't know, we can't afford
anything around here.
So don't sell our house.
I want to.
I need a change.
We can't live there forever.
If we don't sell it now,
we'll never leave.
Oh, is that Dana Sormin's dad?
Yeah.
They still live here.
You've got to switch with me.
He caught me feeling up
his daughter in eighth grade.
I can't let him see me.
Don't worry about it.
You've gained a lot of weight
since high school, Jake.
What? No, my body's
just changed shapes.
Is that why you're
wearing Mom's coat?
- This is Mom's coat?
- Yeah.
He's gonna think I'm walking
with my Aunt Lynne.
"Hello, Madam."
"Oh, hi, sweetie.
You married that Cuban boy,
huh?"
"You know, the Cubans
and the Jews, they really...
They really get along."
"They understand oppression."
That's right.
Be nice.
He never gets to talk to us
in the same place
at the same time today.
Be nice.
You said that already.
- Hey.
- Hi, Dad.
Oh, there you are.
We just thought we would
call you together
and see how are you doing today.
It's terrible here.
- Yeah.
- - Oh, my gosh.
It's just like a blow furnace
out here.
It's supposed to go
up to 103 today.
- Forget having a hairdo.
- Really?
Soon we're just... we're gonna
stop wearing clothes altogether.
Oh, wow.
We're just gonna wear
rash cream.
- Wow.
- Dad, we...
We took some tulips
over to Mom's...
I appreciate that.
Now, where is Teddy, huh?
Yeah, where's that...
Because I have something
I want to show him.
What is this?
Oh, my gosh.
Dad, what are you doing?
I...
Just... I want to show you
the new pool.
Oh...
A little spray tan,
you think maybe?
Show of hands.
- Oh.
- Just a little.
- Hey.
- Oh.
We just ate lunch, so...
Come on, I want Teddy to see
the diving board.
Oh, no, he's... actually, he's not
here, Dad, so you don't...
Whoa, is that Bruce Willis
and his new hot young wife?
Looking good, Bill!
Who is that, that handsome,
drop-dead gorgeous Danny?
I'm just walking through.
I'm working.
- Don't go. Don't go.
- Where's Teddy?
Teddy's napping, Dad,
so it's just us, yeah.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- Miss that munchkin.
Well, can he swim?
No, he's three.
Well, now's the time.
See, we waited
too long with you two.
- Well, he's only three.
- So...
No, don't wait too long.
You didn't wait too long,
did you, Dad?
- What?
- We can't hear you now.
- Jake.
- What? It's on mute.
- I didn't touch a thing.
- It's not working.
He's not good on the phone,
okay?
It's like he has no idea what's
going on with this family.
He hasn't even asked
why I'm here.
- You done?
- You call them every week?
Yeah, every week.
You have a death wish.
- Hey.
- Probably... Oh, there we are.
- Hey. Hey.
- They're back.
What happened?
We didn't do anything.
I-I think it just
dropped out for a second.
- What made that happen?
- Technology.
Yeah.
One of those things,
but we'll let you go.
It was great to see you, and...
- Wait, whoa, whoa.
- Don't go yet.
When are we gonna
get to see Teddy?
- Yeah, that little Teddy Bear.
- No, he's napping now,
so we'll try you
later in the week.
Did he get those little
turquoise cufflinks I sent?
I did, I did, yeah.
You know, maybe for his
confirmation I could...
Or his Bar Mitzvah.
Okay, well, we'll just do
a little David thing,
and then we'll do
a little Christ thing...
Yeah.
And you know,
just have a wardrobe.
Uh-huh.
Okay, well that's it,
so we're gonna go,
but it was lovely to talk
to you, Dad, we miss you.
Yup, and you get that boy
swimming.
I'm doing fine, by the way.
- Okay, good one.
- Give my love to Teddy.
Okay, that's it, bye.
Bye.
- Okay.
- Bye.
I mean, that made me
physically nauseous.
- Do you like talking to her?
- I have a severe headache.
I can smell the hairspray
through the screen.
Teddy, you got
any straight pieces?
Want to trade?
Hi!
- Hi!
- Mom, I love you!
Yeah! I love you!
Come here, monster man.
Can I have a kiss?
Please?
Mwah.
Look at
these beautiful trains, huh?
- Yeah.
- Look at that.
You guys are busy.
So?
It's gorgeous.
I signed you up
for a "Mommy and Me" swim class
at the high school.
- I'm gonna swim!
- Yeah.
It starts tomorrow.
No.
I did.
I don't have a bathing suit.
That's okay.
You can borrow one of Danny's.
Ew, I'm not gonna wear
another man's bathing suit.
That's like rubbing Ds.
What are you, ten?
I don't know, am I?
You need some structure.
Danny will give you the car,
he said he would, and Teddy's
old enough. He should learn.
I agree that he should learn
to swim, with his mother.
There's no classes available
on the weekend.
I already checked.
Okay.
"Swim class, 3-5 years old.
"Friday, 4:00-4:45.
"Still available.
Saturday, 2:00-2:45.
Still available.
You want me to check Sunday?
- Are you done?
- Mm-hmm.
2:00 P.M. will fuck up his nap,
so we'll go Friday, together.
Fine, but I get
my own bathing suit.
I don't give a shit
what you wear.
Fine, I'm gonna do it nude.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Excuse me,
you have anything else
that's a little less
Margaritaville?
No, what you see is
what we have, man.
Holy shit.
Hello? Dude.
Nothing?
Paul Reggio.
Reggio Jackson? Come on, man,
everyone called me that.
I went to New Rochelle High
with you.
Oh, right.
Think we did Guys and Dolls
together.
I think you were Sky Masterson,
and I think I was
Nicely-Nicely Johnson.
No, that was Goldberg.
That's right.
I did tech.
But if I auditioned, I would
have been Nicely-Nicely Johnson.
No doubt.
All right, man, good to see you.
Thanks, man, doing good.
Doing good, you know,
assistant manager, so...
- Really?
- Some day.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Sweet.
- Crazy, man.
Oh, dude, do you remember
Ben Bresler's cast party...
you went to?
I think it was the night
you found out you got
into Colgate.
- Cornell.
- Cornell, that's right.
- Yeah.
- Colgate's a toothpaste.
Stupid.
Oh, dude, you took
the hugest rip
off of Bresler's bong.
You tore your pants off,
you did LaserDisc karaoke
to the Moonlighting theme?
- Yeah.
- We were like...
- Yeah.
- Mind blown, man.
That was a fun night.
Yeah, we all knew you were
going on to amazing things
at that point.
So what are you up to now, man?
Come on, gimme the rundown.
Make me jealous.
Um...
I'm actually doing,
like, early childhood education
stuff now.
Whoa.
That sounds big.
I was doing, like, a bunch
of tech stuff, and I was like,
"Know what?
Eh.
How 'bout I give back,
you know?"
- Awesome.
- Yeah, it's going well.
- Kids.
- Yeah, they're the future.
We'll see, but...
Mm-hmm.
No, they are.
- They will be.
- We'll see.
No, it's undoubted
that children are the future.
- Crazy, man.
- Yeah, so...
My sister's pregnant, so I'm,
like, staying at her place,
and just kind of helping her out
a little bit,
getting my ducks in a row.
Yeah.
She came in here
a couple weeks ago to buy a bra.
It was the best.
All right, cool, man,
this is weird.
I'm still thinking about it.
I bet.
Okay.
Yeah, hey, well,
now that you're back, man,
you should give me a call.
We do, like,
a rotating brunch thing
every Sunday
with, like, the whole crew.
Like, Buskirk, Golub, Mclntire...
Yeah, those guys weren't
in my crew, so...
Me neither, but, like,
now we roll pretty deep.
Yeah, here,
let me take your phone.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna call yo' phone
from my phone, and then
our phones will do it up.
Is it ringing?
Why isn't it ringing?
Hello?
You're 'em both up to...
Yeah, well, I'm trying
to see which one...
Yeah.
There we go.
Nice, the Star Wars theme.
It's The Shining.
With Jack Nicklaus?
- Yeah, the golfer.
- Yeah.
All right, man, well,
it was good to see you.
Dude, contact made.
Jake Winton's back.
Come on, man, bring it in.
- Mm.
- Good seeing you, man.
- You too, man.
- That's a nice coat.
- Thanks.
- Looks like my mom's coat.
It's a...
t's a guy's coat.
Did you steal my mom's coat?
Did you steal my mom's coat?
No, man.
Move our aquababies
through the water.
We want them to love
their water experience
so please keep talking
to them or...
One parent, one aquababy.
She's the...
She's the parent.
You go in.
Hey.
- He's going in.
- I'm not going underwater.
I'm not going underwater.
I don't know how to swim.
No one is swimming today.
We're just standing
and walking, and singing songs.
You said that already.
That might help you, okay?
Come on, everybody.
Okay, just...
Please stop wiggling.
Stop wiggling and just
hold still for me, please.
Teddy, just stay still.
Ugh.
- Justine!
- Okay, okay.
- Please.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Stop wiggling.
- Hold on.
- Hold on.
- Yeah.
Here comes your mama.
One parent, one aquababy.
Yeah, we got it, okay?
Our parents didn't teach us
how to swim, so... hi.
Aw.
Everyone, let's say hello!
Okay, this is a new aquababy.
Miss Jenn's Adult Beginners?
Get your feet wet.
Then you can swim with Teddy
next semester.
No, we are very excited
about this class.
It's actually very therapeutic
for my brother's depression.
- What?
- Oh.
If you want Teddy to have
confidence in the water,
you need to have it too.
I'm not depressed.
We're very confident.
Thank you.
We'll see you next week.
Fuck her!
I'm not an adult beginner.
Okay, you got five more minutes
on this section.
Another glass?
Can I just have,
like, that much?
Fine, I'll just have
another glass, thanks.
And you?
Uh, yeah, I'll have
a glass of that too.
Thanks.
I was kidding.
This is the first time
anyone's ever served me alcohol
in a restaurant ever.
Wow.
Are you gonna send it back?
When I was your age,
I basically took my SATs drunk.
- What did you get?
- I got a 1600.
And then I went to Columbia
and was drunk there.
So is this what you studied?
College prep?
No, that wasn't my major.
Poly-sci, and then I went
to NYU for law school.
- You're a lawyer?
- No, no, I...
My mom got sick
in the last semester, so I came
up here for a few weeks
and then I just never left.
Yeah, shit.
I'm sorry.
You can have one sip,
and then finish that section.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Hi.
Hey, Teddy.
Welcome to the playdate.
Teddy, blow that horn.
Oh, oh, wait.
Are you a shoes-off house?
I don't know.
Hmm.
Okay, where are the toys?
They're in the living room.
Teddy, you can grab my neck,
but you can't grab my neck skin.
I can grab your neck skin!
Okay, lesson learned.
Hi, Georgia.
Say hi, Georgia.
Aw, she's shy today.
That's okay.
Hey, Georgia,
did you bring...
"Hey, I'm so hungry!"
Today on ze menu at Chez Teddy,
we have a delicious assortment
of Cheddar Bunnies,
Bunny Fruits, Buddy Fruits,
carrots,
apples shaped like dogs...
And milk in mommy and daddy
glasses
because this is
a special playdate.
Mmm.
I feel like they take stuff out
just so that we
have to put it away.
They do have so many things.
I know, like this fire truck,
I keep trying to hide
from Teddy.
He keeps finding it.
And this?
I tried to throw out,
but Georgia caught me.
Oh, this thing is just gonna
keep playing.
We just have to wait it out.
No, Georgia!
Don't touch that.
That's not yours.
Wait, I actually read
this thing that
if the kids take things
and put them
between their thumb
and two fingers,
it's actually practice
for eventual writing skills.
We should get a snack.
Okay.
Wait.
What?
What about the Supermanny?
- Armin?
- Yeah.
That's just for when I'm bored.
Wait, what about the kids?
Will they be okay?
They're fine.
That's the "Elbow Song."
We have about ten more minutes.
Okay.
Justine?
Could I just...
I'm going for my five-month
check-up.
I cleared it with Jane.
No, no.
You have to clear everything
with me now.
Jean's son just got checked
into rehab
for Internet gambling last week.
Yeah, she's totally
out to lunch.
I left you a memo about this
three days ago.
But, it's not what I want
to talk to you about.
Listen, I had a conference
with Marley Benson's mom,
and she said that she saw you
and Sarah Lipson
at Theresa's Bakery,
and that you were both drinking.
"Drinking" drinking?
Drinking alcohol.
- Is she crazy?
- Well...
She's a minor and I'm pregnant.
I... I realize some of the moms
like to manufacture the drama.
Some of the moms are insane.
Justine, her voice was very
level with concern.
Penis.
You have no idea
what you're looking at.
Penis, that's a boy.
Can you just tell me what it is?
Really?
I mean, just tell me.
It's a girl.
I'm gonna be a girl's uncle.
That's insane.
Don't tell Danny.
He really didn't want to find out.
I'm such an asshole.
You're not an asshole.
I mean, you're an asshole,
but not because of that.
Can you put on a little show
for him?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, is it possible that
the girl could have a penis?
It's happened before.
I would love her just the same.
What?
Where, where?
What?
Bubble-butt.
Muffin top.
Do it up.
Muffin back.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Muffin front.
Dru-Dru-Drury Lane.
Drury Lane.
So you can't see it,
but the studs are spaced
24 inches rather than 16.
Saved 25% on the studs.
Turned that into six lineal feet
of floor-to-ceiling insulation.
- Six lineal feet, huh?
- Yup.
You love insulation.
Oh, also, I designed these
floor-to-floor straps.
You know? That we use
for certain heavily-loaded
second story shear panels.
But I only use those if the
calculations prove necessary.
And did they?
Did they what?
Did the calculations
prove necessary?
Oh, you guys are fucking
with me.
You guys, I just want to know
what you think of the place.
Baby, I love it.
I love it.
- It's awesome.
- I love it. I love it.
Show... what's this?
Show me over here.
Oh, those are my storm windows?
You want to see
my storm windows?
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I love it.
- Do you?
Why are you so smart?
Hi, are you here
for the open house?
Come right this way.
Oh, fuck.
He's really the best contractor
I ever worked with.
Oh, me too.
Okay, come on, we should pick
Teddy up from his play date.
Come on, babe.
What the fuck?
Mold?!
What the fuck?
You guys, I'm sorry, I gotta go.
I got an inspection on Monday.
It's okay.
He's asleep.
Okay.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so fucking hungry.
Dehumidifier.
Dijo, dehumidifier.
Hey, want to order a movie
On Demand?
I won't make it.
Come on, we'll get
something stupid.
We can get The Princess Bride.
I gotta clean up.
Fuck, I feel like this kid is
trying to tunnel out my lower back.
Sit down.
I got it.
Bring It On?
- What's going on here?
- He's sick.
Can you get the Vicks?
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh, thanks.
A little Vicks for Mom.
A little beer for Unky Jake.
A little rubdown for the man.
Here you go, honey.
Is my hair crazy?
No, it looks nice.
What about mine?
No, 'cause you had it chemically
straightened.
I had it chemically
straightened, like, once.
For prom, okay?
Want to trade?
Yeah.
- Jakey.
- There we go.
Let's get Uncle Jakey
just a little sick.
Okay.
You want to hook a brother up?
Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
There we go, buddy.
Let's get that rub on.
Yeah.
You know, Unky Jakeys
have to pay a lot more
for these rubdowns.
Dude.
What?
What is that face?
I know that face.
What face?
What are you talking about?
You were having a sex flashback.
I wasn't having a sex flashback.
Yes, you were.
I saw it.
Tell me.
Who did you sleep with?
Stop it. No.
You've only been here two months
and you're already
f-u-c-k-i-n-g-ing somebody?
I'm holding your son.
You're a pervert.
I saw that face.
Busy.
You're busy.
He, like, sneezed on me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
"One morning, Little Rabbit
sat on the bank.
"He pricked his ears
and listened to the trit-trot,
trit-trot of a pony..."
Can we put something better on?
No, I'm the guest.
Hey!
That' not how "I'm The Guest"
is played.
The guest gets to decide
what TV shows to watch,
what games are played, and what
to listen to on the tape player.
You always cheat.
You've always been a cheater.
I'm the guest.
"Everywhere that Big Chick went,
Little Chick went, too."
You're right.
This is better.
"Big Chick went looking
for berries
"and Little Chick followed.
"Big Chick took a walk
in the woods
and Little Chick followed."
He's asleep.
"'But I'll be lonely, '
said Little Chick.
"The next morning,
Big Chick woke up early,
and she left without waiting
for Little Chick..."
Fresh lemonade from powder.
Fresh powder.
Just 50.
I love that you kept the VCR.
Okay.
Okay, well,
it's pretty cold out,
but I think we're gonna get
some people walking by.
Why were we always trying
to sell things
that people didn't want to buy?
Fuck.
I'm still doing that.
You had such a cute voice.
That was the only reason
we sold anything.
It was like the center
of our business model.
God, you made me hawk
all those sea shells.
They were all fucking broken.
"Sea shells.
Get your seashells."
"Seashells"
That's not...
I didn't sound like a...
You were so cute.
No, I wasn't.
I drank with a student.
"Drank" drank?
Yeah.
It's bad.
I could get fired.
Maybe I want to get fired.
Just fuck everything up.
You're pregnant.
They can't fire you.
This girl, Sarah, she's great.
She's gonna get
in everywhere she applies.
She sounds like you.
I wish you came to visit
because you were happy.
I was happy.
Look at me.
We're gonna just keep our eye
out for a while.
Are you happy?
Okay, turn it off.
Bye.
Get out of here.
Thank you for not throwing
everything away.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Teddy?
He's wheezy, but sleeping.
How's the mold?
Bro, it's bad.
Still moldy?
You like your room?
Took me, like, two hours
to drag that fucking
Nordic Track out of here.
That's great.
You want to smoke out?
No.
You want to keep me company?
Cats.
Now and forever.
This is the same wood
from the cabinets.
And, you know, he's gonna be
able to eat on it.
Fucking Play-Doh.
All that shit.
It's gonna be nice
to have his own space.
Yeah, it's great.
I gotta go to bed, man.
What?
No, dude.
Come on, I got snacks.
I can't.
I can't look at tiny tables
and pretend like we're cool.
Your kid was sick
and you were off
fucking Plainy
the Real Estate Agent.
Look.
Hmm?
What is that?
That's mold.
Okay?
She wasn't there?
Really?
Dude. Mold.
Mold, mold, mold.
- Mold, fucking everywhere.
- Yeah.
I don't understand how you can
make it okay
in your head, because it's not.
Okay?
And you walk around, like, just
because you're building things,
everything's even?
Do you think I'm an asshole?
I don't know.
No, you don't.
Because you know I'm not.
Yeah, you're fantastic.
Look, I needed attention, Jake.
I needed somebody to look at me
instead of being fucking
distracted
by something more important.
- And that was all?
- That's all. Okay?
I would talk about whatever
and she would think I'm awesome.
Okay? And it only got weird
when we started to...
Oh, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
The sex was terrible.
It sucked, okay?
And the second time
was even worse...
Just stop talking 'cause I don't
want to hear.
Twice.
That's how many times we did it.
That's it.
Don't fucking throw
little cookies at me.
Hey!
Just stop fucking around
on my family.
Right.
Your family.
So you think you've got it all
worked out now, huh?
After three months.
You know what it means
to have a family.
To have a wife, to have a kid.
To have a kid, Jake.
You've got it
all worked out now.
I was here.
Where were you?
I was working.
You know what?
You don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
Okay?
I mean, you don't really
live here.
Nobody expects anything
from you.
Okay, okay, point taken.
A little cabbage
goes a long way.
But look,
you two do this at every meal.
You know, I used to have
a waterbed in here.
Oh.
That sounds really
uncomfortable.
Yeah, it was, but I loved it.
I had to read 100 books
with my mom to earn it.
And then we sold it
'cause she thought
it was gonna give me scoliosis.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Let me see.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Are you a doctor now?
How does it feel?
It feels straight enough for me.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's what you get
for working out once a month.
You know Franny's mom?
She asked me about you
for nanny share.
Oh, yeah?
Sounds hot.
Shut up.
That just means she wants
you to take care
of Franny and Teddy together.
One more kid.
More money.
Shit.
What?
I mean, she thinks you're really
good with Teddy.
Whatever, you don't have
to do it.
- Don't freak out.
- I'm not freaking out.
It's just, like,
this gig is temporary.
Okay, that's cool.
You know, Armin's band is playing
at Brennan's on Saturday.
The manny has a band.
- Perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
So, would you like
to go together?
Me and you?
Two nannies on a date together?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's cool.
Let's do it.
And I might get up there
and sing with him.
- What up?
- Hey.
Uh, have you seen Teddy's
Giraffe-y?
I can't find it anywhere
and he's freaking out.
I can't put him down.
Oh, shit.
Yeah. I think we left it
at Georgia's house.
I'll go get it.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's too late.
No. It's fine.
I'm happy to do it.
I literally have nothing
better to do.
Thank you.
It is gonna happen.
They are gonna raise
the billion six.
They're having an IPO
before the end of the year.
Right, we have a shit-ton
of homework to do for our guys.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I'm Jake, Teddy's uncle.
- Georgia's friend.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
Teddy left his toy giraffe
here earlier today
and now he's having
a Chernobyl-level meltdown...
All right, come in.
So, look, do we have
the personnel, or not?
I mean... you know... let me, um,
let me call you back.
I got a guy here looking
for a giraffe.
Hey, can I use the car tonight?
Where are you going?
Are you going out?
I'm going to Brennan's.
For some fucking shitty-ass
band.
Wait, okay.
Wait, well, I'll come with you.
You can drink.
I can drive.
Baby, can you stay here
with our sleeping child,
and then I get to go out?
Yeah.
Of course.
Great.
Awesome.
Give me two seconds.
Fuck you.
Is this too much?
- Yeah.
- No.
- It's too short.
- No, that looks hot.
- Yeah?
- Put some pants on. Please.
Oh, shut up.
- You look perfect.
- Go on, please.
Oh, come on.
Relax, let's go.
Oh, hot!
You look good.
Bring that back home.
Jesus, enough.
You look like a Tim Burton
creature.
Hey. What was going on
with you and Danny?
What do you mean?
Did he make fun of your shirt
or something?
What's wrong with my shirt?
It's casual chic.
I can't believe how long
you've been here.
Yeah, it's crazy.
No, no, it's, like,
it's flown by.
Do you like your room?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
Whoo!
Why are we stopping?
'Cause I'm picking up a friend.
Oh, my God, am I on your date?
Shit, is that why
you're wearing CK One?
- No.
- I can smell you from here.
It's fine.
Blanca, you remember my sister,
Justine.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Do you always bring
your pregnant sister on dates?
Just when I'm trying
to guarantee I won't get laid.
I'm sorry. I had no idea.
You should just take me home.
No.
No, no, no, no.
You know what?
I love your eye shadow.
- Thanks!
- It's gorgeous.
Oh, thank you.
I love your hair.
Oh, my God, thank you.
It's incredible.
I love your highlights.
- I did these myself.
- Really?
- Yeah. L'Oreal.
- This coat's from Old Navy.
I always wanted to do highlights
but I'm always afraid...
Don't want to miss the band.
You didn't tell me
this was a date, by the way.
This is gonna be a fun time.
You know, I never go out.
Thanks, guys.
We'll be back in ten.
Stay sexy.
That's not
Toad the Wet Sprocket.
I know you think it is.
But it's not.
You want me to get you another
cran and soda?
No, it's cool.
I got it.
Sorry, she just
doesn't get out much.
She's awesome.
So, um, Georgia's dad,
he said that he talked
to you the other day.
Yeah, Teddy left his giraffe,
so I went and grabbed it.
Mm.
So you got a giraffe
and a job offer.
That's cool.
He said you were there
for like an hour,
and that you were
really impressive.
Yeah, it's a finance job,
which is fucking boring.
It's practically entry-level.
You gonna take it?
Uh, I am.
You know, my cousin needs a job.
Your sister should totally
hire her to take care of Teddy.
What?
I like having sex with you, but
I wasn't planning our wedding.
Okay.
You're not taking us seriously,
are you?
I know.
I just...
I thought that you were
taking me seriously
and it made me feel better
about my life.
Oh.
That's fucked up.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go play Asteroids.
I'm gonna stay here
and get drunk.
That's cool.
You do that.
See, if you stay here,
you already have a girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
Okay, sensitivo.
I used to sneak in here.
I used to want to be in here
so badly.
How depressing is that?
You know what?
I can't hear you mope anymore.
Okay?
Look.
Pregnant Running Man.
Stretching.
Stretching.
Come on.
You just came to drink?
It's a bar.
Well, we don't have to hang out.
Go and talk to your
not girlfriend.
She'll make you feel better.
I'll feel better when I get back
to my life.
There's a job in the city.
I'm gonna take it.
You're gonna have to find someone
else to take care of Teddy.
Blanca said she know someone,
so...
Just so you're prepared.
Wow.
That's great.
You must be relieved.
Don't make me feel bad.
It's a real job.
I have to take it.
No, no.
It's great.
Could you just get me my juice?
Okay, don't.
Okay?
If you say that you're gonna
get your own juice,
then I believe that
that is what you're gonna do.
Why are you getting like this?
It's just, like, if you want me
to get you juice, just ask.
But don't test me.
I'm not Danny.
Oh, thanks.
Just, like, sleep
with your husband, okay?
I'm not your problem.
What?
I never go out.
Fuck you.
- So what, we're leaving?
- Yeah.
Fine. Take the car.
I'll stay somewhere else.
- Right, where are you gonna go?
- I have friends.
Really? Why didn't you stay with
them for the last three months?
I've been here for almost three
months helping you.
But I don't want that
to be my whole life.
Don't worry.
It's not.
People die.
People are born.
But the only reason you stick
around for more than two minutes
is when you need something.
I needed you
to make me feel better.
I had something real,
and now it's gone.
Don't talk to me
about how you had something real
and now it's gone.
No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
No one told you you had to
drop out of law school.
She didn't ask you to come home
and take care of her.
Because she didn't have to.
She said she didn't want me
to interrupt my life
just because she was sick.
We didn't even come close
to interrupting your life.
If you had a dog, it would
have interrupted your life
more than Mom dying.
You don't think I wanted
to be there when she died?
I called you. I called you
when we knew it was close.
I told the nurse, I said,
"Tell me when it's close,
I need to call my brother.
We need to be here together."
I left you messages.
I couldn't breathe.
Dad was here.
Danny was here.
That's right, I'm an asshole
and Danny's a saint.
I wanted you here.
Me. I called you
because I needed you.
But you know what?
It's fine.
Because Danny held Mom's hand
with me until I was ready
to let it go.
Well, Danny's fucking around
with that real estate agent,
but I'm glad he was there.
I'm sorry.
I had to tell you.
What... wait a second.
Hey, baby.
How's the concert?
Hey.
It's a girl.
Wh...
I'm sorry.
Justine, I'm sorry.
This one.
Not this one!
Yeah, but you said
you wanted to wear the...
- No!
- Come on, Teddy, you said
you wanted to wear
the robot shirt.
- I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
You said you wanted to wear
the robot shirt.
I don't... I really don't want to
have this discussion right now.
No!
Hey, where's Danny?
I don't know.
He's not here.
But I made him leave the car.
Come on, I got this.
- Yeah, over here.
- Yeah, come here, honey.
- He's right there.
- I know, I know.
- Let's put on your shirt, okay?
- No.
- Yeah.
- Come on, honey.
You love this shirt.
Okay.
Use soft hands, please.
No, Mommy, no!
- Please? Please?
- Yeah, no hitting.
Hey! No.
Come on. Soft hands.
You know what?
I think you guys
just need to go.
I just need some time to myself.
Hey, Teddy, you wanna
take a chill pill, bro?
Chill pill, bro.
Yeah.
Trains
Trains? You like trains?
Mm.
I'm a big fan of trains myself.
Don't ride backwards
on a train though, okay?
Why?
It'll make you sick.
Do you ever get nauseous?
I don't know.
No?
Dude, he's a genius.
You've never met
a three-year-old.
This is normal.
This is not normal.
How are all the museums closed
today?
It's Monday.
Everything's closed on Monday.
Museums, theaters, that amazing
meatball place.
I gotta tape everything up.
Make sure he doesn't
hurt himself.
Oh, that's great.
I mean, for me.
You wouldn't believe what
happened here last Friday.
This hooker hit a vein.
Teddy, do you want to go
to the park?
No park!
- I mean, it bled everywhere.
- Come on, buddy.
You want to stay in Hudson's
apartment all day?
I have to go to the park.
Yeah, well, he's going
to the park
for a different reason
than you're going to the park.
Yeah, but two birds, right?
One stone.
Hello?
Yeah?
Where are you guys?
Dinner's almost ready.
We're in the city.
At Hudson's place.
Hudson?
Hey, Jake's hot sister.
That dirtbag?
- I can't believe you.
- Hudson says hello.
Hello?
Hello?
What does she look like now?
My sister?
- My pregnant sister?
- She still hot?
Oh, you're a little crazy
person, huh?
Mommy!
Baby!
Hi.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, Mama!
Hey, baby.
You told me to take him
on a trip.
We're going home now.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
This is not an appropriate place
for a child.
You're not an appropriate place
for a child.
So should I follow you?
No, do not follow me.
Hey, uh,
I'm out of clean sheets,
but we're gonna make this work.
Most of our traders
are in their 20s.
This work is gonna kick
your ass.
I am used to
having my ass kicked.
And the salary's...
It's awful.
I'm aware.
It's okay.
Well, Rich Kaplan
says you're good.
You probably are.
You play golf?
Yeah, a little bit.
You play?
Yeah, all the time.
I used to play in college.
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't recommend it
unless I believed
in the product myself.
I'm telling you, Emmy and Morgan
are gonna thank you,
once they're old enough to talk.
All right.
Okay, I gotta go.
Thanks, Howard, bye.
There was no receptionist
so I just walked back here.
I noticed that.
You know this is my place
of work, right?
You won't call me back.
So what am I supposed to do?
I don't know.
Use your inside voice.
She won't see me.
I haven't hung out
with Teddy in two days.
He had a doctor's visit
the other day.
I didn't even know about it
until the next day.
Whoa, what's wrong with him?
That croup-flu thing again.
Okay, well,
what's his temperature?
I don't know.
That's my point, man.
I mean, Teddy could be, like,
counting to, like, 100 by now.
I seriously doubt that.
I'm writing him these little
tiny postcards.
I don't know what else to do.
Sorry, all we have
is the small ones.
He has his little swim class
graduation next week.
What if they wear caps
and I'm not there?
Fuck, man,
it's not like I'm unhappy.
Okay, where are you living?
In that house I just finished.
On an air mattress.
No sheets.
I don't know how the fuck you
slept on that raft
for three months.
You know what, man?
Whatever. I deserve it.
Well, you can begin
by going to Target.
Get the Martha Stewart sheets.
They're soft as fuck.
I'm telling you.
Are you gonna help me?
Are you gonna use
your inside voice?
Are you gonna help me?
Well, you are a totally
uneventful pregnancy.
Very healthy.
Very boring.
See you next month.
We are getting a nice bump in
our advanced risk investments.
I gotta say, Jake, I wasn't
sure you were up for this.
But these are some
animal numbers.
Yeah, bro, what's
with the 5:00 A.M. clock-ins?
What are you?
Part rooster?
I hear...
Just heard,
that he does like cock.
Oh, shit!
I'm just... don't,
don't shoot the messenger.
Early bird gives the beej.
Ha. Cock. Awesome. Yes.
Uh, but like Phil was saying,
we are seeing a ton of reward
in our high-yield portfolio.
And... excuse me.
Sorry.
If we look towards
the second quarter,
we're gonna see some real big
numbers
if we just stay the course on,
um...
I'm sorry.
I just gotta quickly take this.
Excuse me.
Hey, is everything okay?
No! Hey!
No, Mommy, no!
Justine, it's your brother,
Jake, hello?
Teddy. Teddy, we need you
to put your trunks on.
You cannot be a naked boy
in swim class.
I can be a naked boy.
Just one second.
Teddy. Teddy, we need
to put your trunks on, okay?
Hey, where's my giraffe?
Honey.
Unky Jake, Unky Jake, Unky Jake!
Teddy, hey, can you please
have soft...
Sorry, man.
I've got a family emergency.
So I'll be back
in a couple of hours tomorrow
if it runs any longer, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just called you an animal.
I never say that.
Right, and I'm gonna be back
in that chair tomorrow,
animal-ing it up.
Okay, so, you have a choice
you have to make.
Either you're the guy
who sits right back in the chair
right now.
Or you're the guy who leaves
work for his family.
Right.
Don't... don't give me
that look.
This isn't Jerry Maguire, dude.
I won't fire you.
You can put up numbers.
But you know this is one
of those decisions
that will keep you right here.
In the middle.
Forever.
Fucking intense.
I'll be back bright and early,
okay?
Like a rooster.
Cock, cock, man.
All right, Neal,
what else do you got for us?
"There's a lot of reward
in risk."
Yeah, I just heard Jake
say that.
What else do you got, Neal?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Right, well, I'm picking up
where he left off.
Hurry up.
The meter's running.
Let's go.
- Schnell, schnell, come on.
- I'm coming.
Oh, my God.
Don't... Look, just let me talk.
You don't even have
a bathing suit.
I have on boxer briefs.
It's fine.
Not really.
- I'll get out.
- No, we're coming in.
Daddy, I'm swimming!
Buddy, you are swimming.
- And Mama, too.
- Honestly.
Oh, come on.
We're getting out.
Oh, that is cold.
Danny, this is ridiculous.
Hey, ladies.
Hi, hi.
I'm Teddy's daddy.
- Hey, buddy.
- Come on.
What? Dude, why are you
holding onto me?
I'm not entirely comfortable
here.
Yeah, me neither.
Okay, I'll hold him.
You guys talk.
Go to Uncle Jakey, come on.
- What are you doing?
- I need to talk to you.
Hey, buddy.
Look.
It was a one time thing.
Okay? That happened
one-and-a-half times, okay?
Justine, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, you know I am.
I don't know what I needed,
but it wasn't that.
And I'll do anything.
I'll wake up every morning
with Teddy until you forgive me.
I'll get up in the middle
of the night
with the baby
until you forgive me.
I'll do whatever
you need me to do.
But you've gotta let me
come home.
So many visitors.
Teddy, do you think you're ready
to try and jump in?
- Oh, today?
- What? Wait.
No, he doesn't have to,
if he's not ready.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy, you gotta jump in okay?
We gotta go under, okay?
Watch Daddy.
Like this.
Ready?
You do it.
Okay, we gotta go under.
- We gotta show him.
- You gonna go under?
Yeah.
Today's our last class.
- I don't want to.
- She's right.
She's right.
You gotta do it.
You know what?
I'll stay up here, okay?
I'll stay up here
in case he jumps in.
You hold onto Jake,
and I'll hold onto you.
- Nobody's gonna drown.
- Jesus. Drown?
What? Isn't that
what you're worried about?
You know what?
You're new to this class.
Why don't you just back off?
Hey, I'm not new to this class.
I been in this class
a long time.
I'm gonna be in this class
forever.
Okay.
Hold onto me.
We're going under.
Okay?
Teddy, look at Jakey and Mommy.
We're gonna go under.
Okay?
You know I'm doing this just
so you'll stop talking to me.
Great.
I'll be right here.
One...
Two...
Three!
Come on, buddy.
Jump.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I thought we were all getting
pizza.
She's back at the house.
- She's in labor.
- What?
What the fuck are you doing
picking me up here?
Chill out, dude.
She's in the first inning.
Got, like, hours to go.
Wanna blaze?
I'm just kidding.
We do have to pick up
a pizza though.
She'll fucking kill me
if I don't.
"And the owl baby took
his new owl baby sister,
"and together they flew down
from the tree
"to their little red car.
"'Let's go fast, '
said the owl baby sister.
'Put on your seatbelt, '
said her owl baby brother."
Hi, guys.
I'm gonna go put your bag
in the car.
Teddy, you wanna help Daddy?
- No.
- It's okay.
We're here and we're reading
about baby owls.
Okay.
Well, tell your brother
to relax.
Kiss.
Okay.
Hey.
How are you doing?
When was your last contraction?
20 minutes ago.
Relax.
People should be moving
at a different clip here.
Hey, Teddy, Mommy and Daddy
are gonna go to the hospital
for a little while,
and you're gonna stay here
with Unky Jake, okay?
What does that mean?
Donuts!
Cookies!
More than two shows!
Three shows!
Yeah.
Who stayed with you
when I was born?
I have no idea.
Justine, your fort-building
skills
are very structurally unsound.
I'm in labor.
Honestly, I'd put more
sconces in here.
Noted.
"I am a frog.
My name is Anton..."
Oh, God, I hate this story.
Can we change it?
I'm the guest.
No, you're not.
"...lived a family
of three bears.
"The first was a great big bear.
"The second was a middling-sized
bear.
"And the third was a little
teeny-tiny bear.
"And they all lived together,
in a fine little house.
And very happy they were."
Hi, I'm Jake Winton.
If you're receiving this video,
it means that you have invested
in MINDS i.
It also means that we have
raised $2.5 million
to start production
on the sickest piece
of wearable technology
on the market today.
It's also much more affordable
than any of our competitors.
I'm not gonna name any names,
but I think you
know who you are.
I'm telling you,
there is no other product
on the market today that is
as comprehensive, easy to use,
and fucking cool as MINDS i.
Wired Magazine, TechCrunch,
and a whole mess
of other media agree.
Look, I'm not an inventor.
I'm an investor.
All of my money is
in this product.
I know a good thing
when I see it,
and I want you guys
to see it all, so thank you.
And you're welcome.
Gersh, congrats,
her dad's out of jail.
Love the Windsor.
Chatakov, thank you
for the pork bun rack.
Sam, you're not on the list,
you can't be here.
Hey, dude, take off
the braided belt.
No bullshit in my house, okay?
- It's Hudson's apartment.
- Do what he says, dick.
- Dick.
- You're gonna kill it, Dick.
We're in for another 75K.
This launch is gonna be huge.
When I look around this room,
I see so many people
that I love...
for their money.
But this is where I say
something that I really mean.
I really want to thank you guys
all for being here
and investing your money
and your time
and your trust into MINDS i.
You are all gonna be so much
more interesting to talk to
at a dinner party
a week from now,
and you are gonna have
so much more money on paper.
- Whoo!
- To MINDS i.
Not bad.
Now, please, everybody
enjoy their champagne.
It's filled with rufies,
so we're gonna have
a good fucking time tonight.
Oh, my God, you guys,
that is so hot.
Mmm, yeah, it is.
Who wants a cup of coffee?
Mmm... I do.
Yes.
Hey, lawyer man, tell me
you're bringing by more demos.
People want their eyes to get
fucked by technology.
Hudson, please.
They're the manufacturer.
What do you mean,
they can't manufacture the part?
No, no, fuck.
Look, it's China,
it's a big-ass country.
We'll just find someone else
to make the part, okay?
We just need to keep this quiet
and keep the launch smooth.
You're reading this
off of TechCrunch, aren't you?
Jesus Christ.
It's already out.
You guys are gonna
leave me in here?
B dog.
What, did you have
your fucking mom
do the production research?
My mom's dead.
- Right.
- But we're gonna find
a new manufacturer
and make this right.
Fuck you, fuck head.
Already on the phone, I love it.
Yeah, no, I'm on my way home.
He... he lost all the money.
See you, man.
What time is it?
We are gonna watch the sun rise
every day together, dude,
until your soul is healed.
Oh, I can't stay here.
Tickets.
Get your tickets out, please.
I'm sorry, I forget where...
I put it.
There it is.
Going backwards makes
a lot of people nauseous.
Yeah, I don't get nauseous, man.
New Rochelle.
Be there in no time.
Hey, man, where's my money?
I trusted you, give me a call...
Hey, great party.
Way to fuck up my life.
Stop texting Kat, okay?
She broke up with you, dude.
The end, she's done.
Hey, Jake, my kids aren't
going to camp
this summer.
Thanks, buddy.
I just wanted to let you know
that you probably shouldn't come
to the reunion this weekend.
You better find
another fucking manufacturer...
Hey, Jake, I want you to tell
my wife that she's probably
gonna have to get a second job.
I changed your name
in my phone
to "life ruiner."
Jake, don't come
to my birthday party next week.
I wanted to leave you
a voice mail
so you could hear in my voice
how disappointed and angry
and pissed I am!
Hey.
It's Jake, your brother.
I left you messages.
Well, I had no idea...
What are you doing here?
Hi.
Uh...
Do you not answer
your phone anymore?
I know, yeah,
it's basically impossible
for me to talk on the phone.
Hi... come in, hi.
- Hi.
- Ugh.
Whoa.
You all right?
No, it's good.
I'm good, I'm fine.
I'm pregnant.
Really? Wasn't Teddy born,
like, yesterday?
He's three.
He is?
And there's another one
in there?
There's like nothing going on
with this belly.
Sorry, I just... I don't like
people touching it.
But you can touch it.
No, it's fine, I don't need
to touch anything.
So how pregnant are you?
13 weeks.
Wow.
Why aren't you wearing
your glasses?
I got Lasik.
You had surgery?
You don't have surgery
without telling people.
I could have come in for that.
When did you do it?
I don't know.
Last year.
Wow.
Your eyes look kind of buggy.
Yeah, that's what I was
going for.
Maybe you should check
your thyroid.
You should check your thyroid.
Sorry, this is Teddy's
wake of destruction.
Just step over that turtle,
and have a seat.
Where is Teddy?
Teddy!
He's actually at daycare,
and I have a early meeting,
so can you stay for dinner?
Yeah.
Is it cool if I crash here?
Tonight?
Sure.
Oh, don't sit there.
Sorry, that's where
Teddy puts his leaf babies
to sleep.
Oh, that's where his leaf babies
sleep, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
So, how long do you
need to stay?
For a couple nights.
That's a big bag.
Yeah, well, I couldn't cram
everything into a little bag
when my entire world
imploded upon itself.
You don't seem very focused.
Huh?
I'm focused.
I'm focused on you
and on folding this laundry
and on not being late.
What is going on?
Well, you can basically take
the last three years of my life
and light them on fire.
Company's fucked.
My girlfriend dumped me.
People hate me.
Oh. Did you, uh,
lose a lot of money?
Oh, yeah, no, I lost, uh,
all of my money and then some,
and then I lost a lot
of other people's money,
which feels
surprisingly terrible.
Dude, can you just
take the day off?
I can't.
I-I've been out a lot lately
and my principal is tracking
my level of commitment, so...
Whatever.
You're gonna be fine, Jake.
Fuck those people.
I'm done with the city.
Your shirt's buttoned wrong.
Oh.
Shit. Thanks.
So, if it's a couple of months,
Is that okay? Three months?
Jesus, three months?
I'm sorry I didn't schedule
my life falling apart
better for you.
That's not what I'm saying.
You just...
You show up here
with your big bag,
and you haven't been out here
for at least a year.
I was here for Teddy's birthday.
We invited you
and you didn't come.
Well, I wanted to be there,
okay?
That counts for something.
- I have to talk to Danny.
- Like ask him permission?
Like have a conversation
where I ask him
how he feels about you living
with us for three months
because he's my husband.
Can you answer me
as to why there are
so many new sconces
around the house?
We're trying to sell the house.
Could you maybe not sell
our childhood home right now?
Please?
I'm really sorry, Jake.
Look, just...
Just hang out,
and eat whatever you want,
and I'll be home tonight
and we can all have dinner.
Okay.
It's freezing in this house.
Can you get me a sweatshirt,
please?
Ah! Fuck you,
you pressed wood piece of shit.
Oh, look who it is.
Good nap?
Yeah, I forgot where I was.
You were in my bed
with your shoes on.
- Uh...
- It's okay.
Hey, sorry to hear about,
you know, everything.
Oh, no worries.
So you gonna replace that door
with more sconces?
We're doing reclaimed walnut.
Justine and Teddy are upstairs.
Oh, I'll go say hi to them.
You know what, no, no,
don't do that.
She's pretty upset
about that nap.
Why don't you be
my little helper?
Help me take the door off.
You know I pay a guy to hang
pictures in my apartment.
Dude, it's very easy.
You just take this,
put it in there...
- Uh-huh.
- And then look.
Exciting.
- Do I need goggles?
- No, dude.
Like that?
Yeah.
Oh!
- Oh, ho.
- Lookit, lookit.
- Hey!
- Hey! Holy shit!
- Hey.
- Teddy!
Unky!
Look how big you are!
You're like an adult man.
I'm holding an adult man!
I have a train table.
Yeah, I just used
an electric screwdriver.
Let's go crazy!
Let's go crazy in the morning.
We just came in
to say goodnight.
Good night?
What time is it?
7:45.
Time for books and bed.
- Oh!
- What?
Shit, that means I've been
sleeping for, like, nine hours.
91/2.
Shucks, that's a long nap.
Shucks!
You can't be mad at people
for napping.
Dude, we get mad at anybody
who gets any sleep.
Okay, Mr. Monster Man,
let's bring it in.
- Family hug.
- Bring it in.
- Family hug. Come on.
- No!
Oh!
I'm hungry, I'm gonna have to
eat some of... grr.
No, you can't eat him!
All right.
- Mwah.
- I'll start dinner.
- Hi.
- Good night.
- Okay.
- Good night!
Night, Teddy.
What is that?
- This guy.
- Is that that...
Is that that song
from The Shining?
Yeah, this guy wants to kill me.
I love that song.
Jeez, You guys are eating
like rescue dogs.
I know, we got to slow down.
You talk to him yet?
No.
What?
I need to stay here
for a few months.
Yeah, sure.
Mm!
What?
My sister moved back in
with my parents
after she had
that nervous breakdown,
dropped out of school.
Same thing.
Yeah, it's the same thing
as that.
I haven't had a chance
to talk to him yet.
I can help out around the house,
buy groceries, build stuff,
rip shit out of walls as needed.
You want to watch Teddy?
Yeah, sure.
I'll watch cartoons with him
while you guys have
a night on the town.
I could do that, like,
every other week.
He can watch Teddy.
You mean like "watch him"
watch him?
- No.
- Come on, dude.
That day care sucks.
It's not clean.
The kids are always
licking the toys, and...
One got whooping cough
last week.
Yeah, It's fucking dark ages
there.
Plus, he'll help us out
money-wise.
We're not broke.
Well...
What?
Hi.
What the fuck's going on?
I...
Nothing, it's...
Well,
I guess...
The idea on the table
is that you...
stay for a few months,
and you look after Teddy.
Guys, I'm talking about,
like, buying groceries,
maybe build a few things.
I need you to make me
feel better.
Come on, you fuck.
He's cute.
You need to get a flu shot.
We'll take care of it, dock it
out of your pay, or whatever.
Oh, we're paying him now?
We can't not.
Can't not.
How much we talking about?
A day?
A week, maybe.
You should take it, bro.
Fine.
Awesome!
I'm gonna get the Breyers.
You seriously gonna do this?
You know I have a DUI, right?
You don't trust me
with your kid?
Absolutely.
Dude!
The old room.
I'm gonna need, like, four guys
to get rid of that thing.
- It's all right.
- Look,
left your dope-ass
Bar Mitzvah thing up.
Guess I had a lot of interests.
Still badass.
Are you okay?
Do you want to talk?
No, I'm good.
Open or closed?
Closed.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, so you're cool, right,
with the whole thing?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Fine.
Okay.
He decides when he comes
and when he goes, you know.
Whatever works for him.
Okay, so we are gonna
talk about it?
No, no, I'm sorry.
I'm done.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay.
You know, he doesn't even
know how old Teddy is.
I just don't... I mean, it's not
like he has to get him anything.
He's just like my dad.
Everything's a fly-by, I...
He just shows up here like...
Okay, I'm gonna go
and drink a coke
- so we can keep talking about it.
- No, it's fine.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
I...
He's my brother.
Okay.
Fuck, I forgot
to brush my teeth.
Spit in this.
I love you.
Hmm?
I love you.
- I'm sorry, I didn't...
- Okay.
I'm jumping.
Stop.
Stop, Teddy.
Too early, buddy.
Stop jumping on the bed, okay?
It's 7:00.
We've been up for two hours.
- What?
- Yeah.
He has?
How's that possible?
That's crazy.
It's going down!
Can you... I really feel it.
Can you?
Yeah, I can feel it.
Unky Jake needs a little coffee,
and then I'll be ready
to play, okay?
Coffee bean!
Coffee beans!
"I used to just splash.
Now I make waves.
"I used to be shy.
Now I am brave.
"I used to just watch.
Now I can dig.
I used to be little.
Now I am big."
How is this not
putting you to sleep?
Okay, Teddy's gonna be
a good boy
while Unky Jake
does his business.
No, Teddy, you can't
play with that.
That is a heavy
glass paperweight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't play with glass
like that, buddy.
Okay.
Hold on a second,
we're gonna deal with this.
This better be an emergency.
Yeah, no, this is an emergency.
I can't even go to the bathroom
without him breaking something.
I'm here with a student
who is literally
a million times smarter
than you.
She's gonna get into Harvard.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Jake, just leave the door open.
I tried leaving the door open,
but your devil child
wouldn't listen to me.
I'm sorry,
it's my little brother.
He's kind of an idiot.
Oh my God, mine's
an effing moron.
You really think
I can get into Harvard?
Yeah, I really do.
Don't climb up there.
Teddy, please,
just give me one minute.
Teddy, that's...
t's fragile.
I know you think
this is hilarious,
but this is one of the more
embarrassing events of my life.
Look, Jean, if Shirley's gonna
organize meeting with parents
about college prep strategy
during lunch,
I'm gonna need
a little more notice.
What's happening?
Are we rescheduling?
You left me a note
about a parent meeting?
Yes, I did, right there
in your mailbox.
I have a cell phone.
Yes, I know you have
a cell phone.
- They're everywhere.
- Look, Shirley,
my brother just showed up
out of nowhere
and he's staying with us.
I'm pregnant.
I have a doctor's appointment.
Listen, I'm sure
the baby will be great,
but I would like
for you and I to be great,
and that means we gotta put
a little more effort
into our communication.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So let me be clear.
You want me to miss
my ultrasound appointment
to check that my baby is healthy
because I didn't check
my mailbox?
Jean, we'll reschedule.
Can you make that happen?
And please look around
and find my password.
I can never remember it.
Yeah?
Hi, uh, how do you
open the stroller,
and what time
are you coming home?
You step down on it, and then
you push the handles up and out.
I can't talk, I'm at work.
I gotta go.
Who I am,
not for what
you wanted me to be.
I just wanted you to be happy.
That's all.
Oh, my God.
Sweet rides, right?
Good afternoon, ladies.
What, you've never
seen a kid in a suitcase before?
Who's a stud, Teddy?
Me!
Yeah, that's right.
Suitcase stud!
Kind of a beat scene,
huh, Teddy?
Teddy, why don't you go hit
the monkey bars for a second?
Yeah, why don't you go hit
the jungle gym, bud.
Oof.
They grow up so fast now,
they can just play on their own.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
How old's your little boy?
She's a girl.
No doubt, no doubt.
You're a girl too, aren't you?
I'm Jake.
Blanca.
Blanca?
But you're not white?
Funny.
- I know, right?
- Mm-hmm.
It's crazy.
Yeah, it's funny,
'cause it's like...
- Whoo! Pa-pow, pow, pow!
Pa-pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
Pa-pow, pow!
Hey, Armin.
Hey, Blanca.
Mwah.
- How are you, gorgeous?
- No, you're gorgeous.
No, Georgia is gorgeous.
Hello, Georgia.
Hey, if you want,
Bash and I are gonna go
have snacks
on the giant turtle today,
- so you are invited.
- Ooh.
Oh, shit, I forgot
to feed Teddy.
Do you have any snacks?
Hey, language, man.
Just a little something.
I'm sorry, he...
- Wow.
- So this is Teddy's nanny.
Oh.
I'm actually his uncle,
and what does "oh" mean?
Ah, nothing, man.
I'm just effing with you.
Oh, hey, are you guys going
to the wool festival today?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, great.
You're gonna love this.
It's... they've got live sheep.
The kids can pet the sheep.
There's a knitting workshop.
The kids go crazy for it.
There's a yarn toss.
- Remember, we went last year.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, is that where you made
the pizza hat?
Nope, Blanca got me this hat.
'Cause I was gonna say,
it's awesome.
- Yeah.
- I mean, everybody loves pizza.
You know, I'm not touching carbs
right now, but...
- We're going.
- Okay, good.
Oh, shit.
No, don't sip it from the straw.
Hold it up to your face,
please, okay?
There you go, like that.
- Good.
- Hey!
Oh.
Hi, little monster.
How's my little baby?
You okay, hey, honey?
I'm letting him do
whatever he wants.
Hey, you did exactly
what I would've done.
Tongues and lips bleed
like a m-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k-e-r.
- Hey, hey. Let me see.
- I don't know what you're spelling.
I called you, like,
a gazillion times, with information.
Hey, I'm sorry. I know,
I had my phone on silent.
I had five students today
who didn't
get into their first choice
of schools.
It was an s-h-i-t-show.
- Just stop spelling.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I had to pry his mouth open
to see if his teeth
were still there.
It was fucking rough.
My God, you still have
baby blood on your shirt.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh.
Okay, hey, let me wash it.
I'll wash it off for you.
Jake.
Whoa, what's up, Channing Tatum?
Huh?
What is up with that?
That is my letter of resignation
written in baby blood.
Come on, it's been one day.
Where are you going?
I don't know, I just... I gotta
go out for a little while.
I'll bring the car back,
and then I'm gonna figure out
where I'm gonna go next.
Jake, come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you my little monster?
Huh?
Yeah?
Let me see your mouth, baby.
Oh.
Hey, are you smoking
my cigarettes?
What?
You're smoking?
- No.
- You're an idiot.
- Don't yell at me.
- I'm not yelling at you.
Please.
You're about to have two kids.
No cigarettes, please.
And they're not yours.
You have to ask.
Smooshed.
You know I can just buy more.
Not on your salary.
Good night, assholes.
Ow.
Don't kiss me so it hurts.
So what's up?
Uh, nothing.
Well, what are you gonna do now?
Well, I was gonna sit here
and obsess over all the shit
I've done wrong
the last few years,
and then probably fall asleep
watching Bravo.
Want to smoke pot?
I don't have pot.
So cigarettes are a no-fly zone
but she's okay with this,
or she doesn't know about this?
Dude, I stopped this.
When he turned two, I stopped.
And she didn't even ask me
to stop.
She was like,
"You don't have to stop
'cause he's getting older,"
and I was like,
"I don't... I want to stop,"
and she's like, "Well, you don't
have to want to stop just
because he's getting older."
I-I'm like...
I don't know... Dude, I don't
know, stop asking questions.
Hey, you like the renovations?
No.
Nah.
I like that you like
staying up late.
I love staying up late.
And this... this gets
the smell out?
Fuck yeah.
It's unreal, man.
I did, like, a whole system.
I put fucking Joy's blanket
that she gave us... right?
That's perfect...
Fan, fucking box...
Oh, sure, but you know what?
I always forget to do this.
You know, Teddy has got
the tiniest fucking hands.
He puts 'em all over everything
so I have to do this.
His hands are tiny.
Dude, it's no joke.
They're teeny.
- His hand is tiny.
- He says...
His mom... I mean,
your sister's are tiny.
His little ears... his ears.
The ears, you can't even see
your sister's ears.
Justine's...
Hold on, what is that?
That something?
So what's your plan?
Well, I'm gonna eat
all the Cheddar Bunnies
in the goddamn universe.
After that, I don't know.
Are you scared?
I don't want
to start over again.
At least I'm not getting
death threats anymore.
Fuck it, dude, you should just
open a cheese shop.
Or a bakery.
Like, little, tiny pies.
That's all anybody wants,
is comfort, right?
All right, 17 weeks.
Great.
If you want me to film this, I...
No.
Are you wanting to know
the sex of the child?
Don't.
Don't say anything.
Danny likes surprises.
I can't even look at this.
Oh, my God, what is that?
What?
- Babe, you're an asshole.
- Just relax.
Fluid looks great.
Yes, my fluid.
It looks good.
You can't be that happy,
you're getting a massage
in a strip mall.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Wow.
Been drinking?
No. I had, like,
31/2 glasses of Riesling.
Dude, You can't drink
and drive my car.
Okay, Dad.
You already know I have a kid,
that's not really an insult.
I'm not drunk.
Good day?
Yeah, yeah, I went...
Got some frozen yogurt
waiting for that bar to open.
Cross Creek Square.
Awesome.
Yeah, you know that one,
it's across the street
from the frame store and that
sad-ass spa. You been there?
Got a lot of choices over there.
You can get whatever you want.
A lot of toppings.
So how was that spa?
Okay, I don't wanna...
What?
I don't know.
Look at me, I'm drunk,
and I'm not even gonna
remember this tomorrow.
You're not drunk, dude.
Okay, listen to me.
I went and I had a massage
with my business associate.
I know that sounds bad,
but we weren't even
in the same room.
It's not a good spa.
I came in here for juice.
Hey, look, I fuck around on all
my girlfriends a little bit,
so don't listen to me. I don't
even know what I'm saying.
You know what you're saying.
I'm not saying anything.
Nothing happened, okay?
Except the occasional couples
massage in separate rooms.
Anything else?
I don't know.
Do we need to talk?
Okay, I'm gonna go
to my air mattress now.
Add the power of oxygen
to every load...
When you open a restaurant,
it's scary, 'cause you're
putting yourself out there.
Hey. You want to watch
something stupid?
Hmm?
Like Chopped?
I'd be asleep before they even
fuck up the appetizers.
Justine, come on.
You know what's on next.
House Hunters International.
Move over.
Your touching my elbow.
Oh, shit.
What... why are you up so early?
I thought we should spend
some time together today.
Okay.
Since it's...
You know, the anniversary.
Mom died on the 15th.
It's tomorrow.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
I'm going back to bed.
No, no, come on, come on.
You're already up.
Hi, Duncan.
So where are you gonna move?
I don't know, we can't afford
anything around here.
So don't sell our house.
I want to.
I need a change.
We can't live there forever.
If we don't sell it now,
we'll never leave.
Oh, is that Dana Sormin's dad?
Yeah.
They still live here.
You've got to switch with me.
He caught me feeling up
his daughter in eighth grade.
I can't let him see me.
Don't worry about it.
You've gained a lot of weight
since high school, Jake.
What? No, my body's
just changed shapes.
Is that why you're
wearing Mom's coat?
- This is Mom's coat?
- Yeah.
He's gonna think I'm walking
with my Aunt Lynne.
"Hello, Madam."
"Oh, hi, sweetie.
You married that Cuban boy,
huh?"
"You know, the Cubans
and the Jews, they really...
They really get along."
"They understand oppression."
That's right.
Be nice.
He never gets to talk to us
in the same place
at the same time today.
Be nice.
You said that already.
- Hey.
- Hi, Dad.
Oh, there you are.
We just thought we would
call you together
and see how are you doing today.
It's terrible here.
- Yeah.
- - Oh, my gosh.
It's just like a blow furnace
out here.
It's supposed to go
up to 103 today.
- Forget having a hairdo.
- Really?
Soon we're just... we're gonna
stop wearing clothes altogether.
Oh, wow.
We're just gonna wear
rash cream.
- Wow.
- Dad, we...
We took some tulips
over to Mom's...
I appreciate that.
Now, where is Teddy, huh?
Yeah, where's that...
Because I have something
I want to show him.
What is this?
Oh, my gosh.
Dad, what are you doing?
I...
Just... I want to show you
the new pool.
Oh...
A little spray tan,
you think maybe?
Show of hands.
- Oh.
- Just a little.
- Hey.
- Oh.
We just ate lunch, so...
Come on, I want Teddy to see
the diving board.
Oh, no, he's... actually, he's not
here, Dad, so you don't...
Whoa, is that Bruce Willis
and his new hot young wife?
Looking good, Bill!
Who is that, that handsome,
drop-dead gorgeous Danny?
I'm just walking through.
I'm working.
- Don't go. Don't go.
- Where's Teddy?
Teddy's napping, Dad,
so it's just us, yeah.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- Miss that munchkin.
Well, can he swim?
No, he's three.
Well, now's the time.
See, we waited
too long with you two.
- Well, he's only three.
- So...
No, don't wait too long.
You didn't wait too long,
did you, Dad?
- What?
- We can't hear you now.
- Jake.
- What? It's on mute.
- I didn't touch a thing.
- It's not working.
He's not good on the phone,
okay?
It's like he has no idea what's
going on with this family.
He hasn't even asked
why I'm here.
- You done?
- You call them every week?
Yeah, every week.
You have a death wish.
- Hey.
- Probably... Oh, there we are.
- Hey. Hey.
- They're back.
What happened?
We didn't do anything.
I-I think it just
dropped out for a second.
- What made that happen?
- Technology.
Yeah.
One of those things,
but we'll let you go.
It was great to see you, and...
- Wait, whoa, whoa.
- Don't go yet.
When are we gonna
get to see Teddy?
- Yeah, that little Teddy Bear.
- No, he's napping now,
so we'll try you
later in the week.
Did he get those little
turquoise cufflinks I sent?
I did, I did, yeah.
You know, maybe for his
confirmation I could...
Or his Bar Mitzvah.
Okay, well, we'll just do
a little David thing,
and then we'll do
a little Christ thing...
Yeah.
And you know,
just have a wardrobe.
Uh-huh.
Okay, well that's it,
so we're gonna go,
but it was lovely to talk
to you, Dad, we miss you.
Yup, and you get that boy
swimming.
I'm doing fine, by the way.
- Okay, good one.
- Give my love to Teddy.
Okay, that's it, bye.
Bye.
- Okay.
- Bye.
I mean, that made me
physically nauseous.
- Do you like talking to her?
- I have a severe headache.
I can smell the hairspray
through the screen.
Teddy, you got
any straight pieces?
Want to trade?
Hi!
- Hi!
- Mom, I love you!
Yeah! I love you!
Come here, monster man.
Can I have a kiss?
Please?
Mwah.
Look at
these beautiful trains, huh?
- Yeah.
- Look at that.
You guys are busy.
So?
It's gorgeous.
I signed you up
for a "Mommy and Me" swim class
at the high school.
- I'm gonna swim!
- Yeah.
It starts tomorrow.
No.
I did.
I don't have a bathing suit.
That's okay.
You can borrow one of Danny's.
Ew, I'm not gonna wear
another man's bathing suit.
That's like rubbing Ds.
What are you, ten?
I don't know, am I?
You need some structure.
Danny will give you the car,
he said he would, and Teddy's
old enough. He should learn.
I agree that he should learn
to swim, with his mother.
There's no classes available
on the weekend.
I already checked.
Okay.
"Swim class, 3-5 years old.
"Friday, 4:00-4:45.
"Still available.
Saturday, 2:00-2:45.
Still available.
You want me to check Sunday?
- Are you done?
- Mm-hmm.
2:00 P.M. will fuck up his nap,
so we'll go Friday, together.
Fine, but I get
my own bathing suit.
I don't give a shit
what you wear.
Fine, I'm gonna do it nude.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Excuse me,
you have anything else
that's a little less
Margaritaville?
No, what you see is
what we have, man.
Holy shit.
Hello? Dude.
Nothing?
Paul Reggio.
Reggio Jackson? Come on, man,
everyone called me that.
I went to New Rochelle High
with you.
Oh, right.
Think we did Guys and Dolls
together.
I think you were Sky Masterson,
and I think I was
Nicely-Nicely Johnson.
No, that was Goldberg.
That's right.
I did tech.
But if I auditioned, I would
have been Nicely-Nicely Johnson.
No doubt.
All right, man, good to see you.
Thanks, man, doing good.
Doing good, you know,
assistant manager, so...
- Really?
- Some day.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Sweet.
- Crazy, man.
Oh, dude, do you remember
Ben Bresler's cast party...
you went to?
I think it was the night
you found out you got
into Colgate.
- Cornell.
- Cornell, that's right.
- Yeah.
- Colgate's a toothpaste.
Stupid.
Oh, dude, you took
the hugest rip
off of Bresler's bong.
You tore your pants off,
you did LaserDisc karaoke
to the Moonlighting theme?
- Yeah.
- We were like...
- Yeah.
- Mind blown, man.
That was a fun night.
Yeah, we all knew you were
going on to amazing things
at that point.
So what are you up to now, man?
Come on, gimme the rundown.
Make me jealous.
Um...
I'm actually doing,
like, early childhood education
stuff now.
Whoa.
That sounds big.
I was doing, like, a bunch
of tech stuff, and I was like,
"Know what?
Eh.
How 'bout I give back,
you know?"
- Awesome.
- Yeah, it's going well.
- Kids.
- Yeah, they're the future.
We'll see, but...
Mm-hmm.
No, they are.
- They will be.
- We'll see.
No, it's undoubted
that children are the future.
- Crazy, man.
- Yeah, so...
My sister's pregnant, so I'm,
like, staying at her place,
and just kind of helping her out
a little bit,
getting my ducks in a row.
Yeah.
She came in here
a couple weeks ago to buy a bra.
It was the best.
All right, cool, man,
this is weird.
I'm still thinking about it.
I bet.
Okay.
Yeah, hey, well,
now that you're back, man,
you should give me a call.
We do, like,
a rotating brunch thing
every Sunday
with, like, the whole crew.
Like, Buskirk, Golub, Mclntire...
Yeah, those guys weren't
in my crew, so...
Me neither, but, like,
now we roll pretty deep.
Yeah, here,
let me take your phone.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna call yo' phone
from my phone, and then
our phones will do it up.
Is it ringing?
Why isn't it ringing?
Hello?
You're 'em both up to...
Yeah, well, I'm trying
to see which one...
Yeah.
There we go.
Nice, the Star Wars theme.
It's The Shining.
With Jack Nicklaus?
- Yeah, the golfer.
- Yeah.
All right, man, well,
it was good to see you.
Dude, contact made.
Jake Winton's back.
Come on, man, bring it in.
- Mm.
- Good seeing you, man.
- You too, man.
- That's a nice coat.
- Thanks.
- Looks like my mom's coat.
It's a...
t's a guy's coat.
Did you steal my mom's coat?
Did you steal my mom's coat?
No, man.
Move our aquababies
through the water.
We want them to love
their water experience
so please keep talking
to them or...
One parent, one aquababy.
She's the...
She's the parent.
You go in.
Hey.
- He's going in.
- I'm not going underwater.
I'm not going underwater.
I don't know how to swim.
No one is swimming today.
We're just standing
and walking, and singing songs.
You said that already.
That might help you, okay?
Come on, everybody.
Okay, just...
Please stop wiggling.
Stop wiggling and just
hold still for me, please.
Teddy, just stay still.
Ugh.
- Justine!
- Okay, okay.
- Please.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Stop wiggling.
- Hold on.
- Hold on.
- Yeah.
Here comes your mama.
One parent, one aquababy.
Yeah, we got it, okay?
Our parents didn't teach us
how to swim, so... hi.
Aw.
Everyone, let's say hello!
Okay, this is a new aquababy.
Miss Jenn's Adult Beginners?
Get your feet wet.
Then you can swim with Teddy
next semester.
No, we are very excited
about this class.
It's actually very therapeutic
for my brother's depression.
- What?
- Oh.
If you want Teddy to have
confidence in the water,
you need to have it too.
I'm not depressed.
We're very confident.
Thank you.
We'll see you next week.
Fuck her!
I'm not an adult beginner.
Okay, you got five more minutes
on this section.
Another glass?
Can I just have,
like, that much?
Fine, I'll just have
another glass, thanks.
And you?
Uh, yeah, I'll have
a glass of that too.
Thanks.
I was kidding.
This is the first time
anyone's ever served me alcohol
in a restaurant ever.
Wow.
Are you gonna send it back?
When I was your age,
I basically took my SATs drunk.
- What did you get?
- I got a 1600.
And then I went to Columbia
and was drunk there.
So is this what you studied?
College prep?
No, that wasn't my major.
Poly-sci, and then I went
to NYU for law school.
- You're a lawyer?
- No, no, I...
My mom got sick
in the last semester, so I came
up here for a few weeks
and then I just never left.
Yeah, shit.
I'm sorry.
You can have one sip,
and then finish that section.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Hi.
Hey, Teddy.
Welcome to the playdate.
Teddy, blow that horn.
Oh, oh, wait.
Are you a shoes-off house?
I don't know.
Hmm.
Okay, where are the toys?
They're in the living room.
Teddy, you can grab my neck,
but you can't grab my neck skin.
I can grab your neck skin!
Okay, lesson learned.
Hi, Georgia.
Say hi, Georgia.
Aw, she's shy today.
That's okay.
Hey, Georgia,
did you bring...
"Hey, I'm so hungry!"
Today on ze menu at Chez Teddy,
we have a delicious assortment
of Cheddar Bunnies,
Bunny Fruits, Buddy Fruits,
carrots,
apples shaped like dogs...
And milk in mommy and daddy
glasses
because this is
a special playdate.
Mmm.
I feel like they take stuff out
just so that we
have to put it away.
They do have so many things.
I know, like this fire truck,
I keep trying to hide
from Teddy.
He keeps finding it.
And this?
I tried to throw out,
but Georgia caught me.
Oh, this thing is just gonna
keep playing.
We just have to wait it out.
No, Georgia!
Don't touch that.
That's not yours.
Wait, I actually read
this thing that
if the kids take things
and put them
between their thumb
and two fingers,
it's actually practice
for eventual writing skills.
We should get a snack.
Okay.
Wait.
What?
What about the Supermanny?
- Armin?
- Yeah.
That's just for when I'm bored.
Wait, what about the kids?
Will they be okay?
They're fine.
That's the "Elbow Song."
We have about ten more minutes.
Okay.
Justine?
Could I just...
I'm going for my five-month
check-up.
I cleared it with Jane.
No, no.
You have to clear everything
with me now.
Jean's son just got checked
into rehab
for Internet gambling last week.
Yeah, she's totally
out to lunch.
I left you a memo about this
three days ago.
But, it's not what I want
to talk to you about.
Listen, I had a conference
with Marley Benson's mom,
and she said that she saw you
and Sarah Lipson
at Theresa's Bakery,
and that you were both drinking.
"Drinking" drinking?
Drinking alcohol.
- Is she crazy?
- Well...
She's a minor and I'm pregnant.
I... I realize some of the moms
like to manufacture the drama.
Some of the moms are insane.
Justine, her voice was very
level with concern.
Penis.
You have no idea
what you're looking at.
Penis, that's a boy.
Can you just tell me what it is?
Really?
I mean, just tell me.
It's a girl.
I'm gonna be a girl's uncle.
That's insane.
Don't tell Danny.
He really didn't want to find out.
I'm such an asshole.
You're not an asshole.
I mean, you're an asshole,
but not because of that.
Can you put on a little show
for him?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, is it possible that
the girl could have a penis?
It's happened before.
I would love her just the same.
What?
Where, where?
What?
Bubble-butt.
Muffin top.
Do it up.
Muffin back.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Muffin front.
Dru-Dru-Drury Lane.
Drury Lane.
So you can't see it,
but the studs are spaced
24 inches rather than 16.
Saved 25% on the studs.
Turned that into six lineal feet
of floor-to-ceiling insulation.
- Six lineal feet, huh?
- Yup.
You love insulation.
Oh, also, I designed these
floor-to-floor straps.
You know? That we use
for certain heavily-loaded
second story shear panels.
But I only use those if the
calculations prove necessary.
And did they?
Did they what?
Did the calculations
prove necessary?
Oh, you guys are fucking
with me.
You guys, I just want to know
what you think of the place.
Baby, I love it.
I love it.
- It's awesome.
- I love it. I love it.
Show... what's this?
Show me over here.
Oh, those are my storm windows?
You want to see
my storm windows?
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I love it.
- Do you?
Why are you so smart?
Hi, are you here
for the open house?
Come right this way.
Oh, fuck.
He's really the best contractor
I ever worked with.
Oh, me too.
Okay, come on, we should pick
Teddy up from his play date.
Come on, babe.
What the fuck?
Mold?!
What the fuck?
You guys, I'm sorry, I gotta go.
I got an inspection on Monday.
It's okay.
He's asleep.
Okay.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so fucking hungry.
Dehumidifier.
Dijo, dehumidifier.
Hey, want to order a movie
On Demand?
I won't make it.
Come on, we'll get
something stupid.
We can get The Princess Bride.
I gotta clean up.
Fuck, I feel like this kid is
trying to tunnel out my lower back.
Sit down.
I got it.
Bring It On?
- What's going on here?
- He's sick.
Can you get the Vicks?
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh, thanks.
A little Vicks for Mom.
A little beer for Unky Jake.
A little rubdown for the man.
Here you go, honey.
Is my hair crazy?
No, it looks nice.
What about mine?
No, 'cause you had it chemically
straightened.
I had it chemically
straightened, like, once.
For prom, okay?
Want to trade?
Yeah.
- Jakey.
- There we go.
Let's get Uncle Jakey
just a little sick.
Okay.
You want to hook a brother up?
Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
There we go, buddy.
Let's get that rub on.
Yeah.
You know, Unky Jakeys
have to pay a lot more
for these rubdowns.
Dude.
What?
What is that face?
I know that face.
What face?
What are you talking about?
You were having a sex flashback.
I wasn't having a sex flashback.
Yes, you were.
I saw it.
Tell me.
Who did you sleep with?
Stop it. No.
You've only been here two months
and you're already
f-u-c-k-i-n-g-ing somebody?
I'm holding your son.
You're a pervert.
I saw that face.
Busy.
You're busy.
He, like, sneezed on me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
"One morning, Little Rabbit
sat on the bank.
"He pricked his ears
and listened to the trit-trot,
trit-trot of a pony..."
Can we put something better on?
No, I'm the guest.
Hey!
That' not how "I'm The Guest"
is played.
The guest gets to decide
what TV shows to watch,
what games are played, and what
to listen to on the tape player.
You always cheat.
You've always been a cheater.
I'm the guest.
"Everywhere that Big Chick went,
Little Chick went, too."
You're right.
This is better.
"Big Chick went looking
for berries
"and Little Chick followed.
"Big Chick took a walk
in the woods
and Little Chick followed."
He's asleep.
"'But I'll be lonely, '
said Little Chick.
"The next morning,
Big Chick woke up early,
and she left without waiting
for Little Chick..."
Fresh lemonade from powder.
Fresh powder.
Just 50.
I love that you kept the VCR.
Okay.
Okay, well,
it's pretty cold out,
but I think we're gonna get
some people walking by.
Why were we always trying
to sell things
that people didn't want to buy?
Fuck.
I'm still doing that.
You had such a cute voice.
That was the only reason
we sold anything.
It was like the center
of our business model.
God, you made me hawk
all those sea shells.
They were all fucking broken.
"Sea shells.
Get your seashells."
"Seashells"
That's not...
I didn't sound like a...
You were so cute.
No, I wasn't.
I drank with a student.
"Drank" drank?
Yeah.
It's bad.
I could get fired.
Maybe I want to get fired.
Just fuck everything up.
You're pregnant.
They can't fire you.
This girl, Sarah, she's great.
She's gonna get
in everywhere she applies.
She sounds like you.
I wish you came to visit
because you were happy.
I was happy.
Look at me.
We're gonna just keep our eye
out for a while.
Are you happy?
Okay, turn it off.
Bye.
Get out of here.
Thank you for not throwing
everything away.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Teddy?
He's wheezy, but sleeping.
How's the mold?
Bro, it's bad.
Still moldy?
You like your room?
Took me, like, two hours
to drag that fucking
Nordic Track out of here.
That's great.
You want to smoke out?
No.
You want to keep me company?
Cats.
Now and forever.
This is the same wood
from the cabinets.
And, you know, he's gonna be
able to eat on it.
Fucking Play-Doh.
All that shit.
It's gonna be nice
to have his own space.
Yeah, it's great.
I gotta go to bed, man.
What?
No, dude.
Come on, I got snacks.
I can't.
I can't look at tiny tables
and pretend like we're cool.
Your kid was sick
and you were off
fucking Plainy
the Real Estate Agent.
Look.
Hmm?
What is that?
That's mold.
Okay?
She wasn't there?
Really?
Dude. Mold.
Mold, mold, mold.
- Mold, fucking everywhere.
- Yeah.
I don't understand how you can
make it okay
in your head, because it's not.
Okay?
And you walk around, like, just
because you're building things,
everything's even?
Do you think I'm an asshole?
I don't know.
No, you don't.
Because you know I'm not.
Yeah, you're fantastic.
Look, I needed attention, Jake.
I needed somebody to look at me
instead of being fucking
distracted
by something more important.
- And that was all?
- That's all. Okay?
I would talk about whatever
and she would think I'm awesome.
Okay? And it only got weird
when we started to...
Oh, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
The sex was terrible.
It sucked, okay?
And the second time
was even worse...
Just stop talking 'cause I don't
want to hear.
Twice.
That's how many times we did it.
That's it.
Don't fucking throw
little cookies at me.
Hey!
Just stop fucking around
on my family.
Right.
Your family.
So you think you've got it all
worked out now, huh?
After three months.
You know what it means
to have a family.
To have a wife, to have a kid.
To have a kid, Jake.
You've got it
all worked out now.
I was here.
Where were you?
I was working.
You know what?
You don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
Okay?
I mean, you don't really
live here.
Nobody expects anything
from you.
Okay, okay, point taken.
A little cabbage
goes a long way.
But look,
you two do this at every meal.
You know, I used to have
a waterbed in here.
Oh.
That sounds really
uncomfortable.
Yeah, it was, but I loved it.
I had to read 100 books
with my mom to earn it.
And then we sold it
'cause she thought
it was gonna give me scoliosis.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Let me see.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Are you a doctor now?
How does it feel?
It feels straight enough for me.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's what you get
for working out once a month.
You know Franny's mom?
She asked me about you
for nanny share.
Oh, yeah?
Sounds hot.
Shut up.
That just means she wants
you to take care
of Franny and Teddy together.
One more kid.
More money.
Shit.
What?
I mean, she thinks you're really
good with Teddy.
Whatever, you don't have
to do it.
- Don't freak out.
- I'm not freaking out.
It's just, like,
this gig is temporary.
Okay, that's cool.
You know, Armin's band is playing
at Brennan's on Saturday.
The manny has a band.
- Perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
So, would you like
to go together?
Me and you?
Two nannies on a date together?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's cool.
Let's do it.
And I might get up there
and sing with him.
- What up?
- Hey.
Uh, have you seen Teddy's
Giraffe-y?
I can't find it anywhere
and he's freaking out.
I can't put him down.
Oh, shit.
Yeah. I think we left it
at Georgia's house.
I'll go get it.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's too late.
No. It's fine.
I'm happy to do it.
I literally have nothing
better to do.
Thank you.
It is gonna happen.
They are gonna raise
the billion six.
They're having an IPO
before the end of the year.
Right, we have a shit-ton
of homework to do for our guys.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I'm Jake, Teddy's uncle.
- Georgia's friend.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
Teddy left his toy giraffe
here earlier today
and now he's having
a Chernobyl-level meltdown...
All right, come in.
So, look, do we have
the personnel, or not?
I mean... you know... let me, um,
let me call you back.
I got a guy here looking
for a giraffe.
Hey, can I use the car tonight?
Where are you going?
Are you going out?
I'm going to Brennan's.
For some fucking shitty-ass
band.
Wait, okay.
Wait, well, I'll come with you.
You can drink.
I can drive.
Baby, can you stay here
with our sleeping child,
and then I get to go out?
Yeah.
Of course.
Great.
Awesome.
Give me two seconds.
Fuck you.
Is this too much?
- Yeah.
- No.
- It's too short.
- No, that looks hot.
- Yeah?
- Put some pants on. Please.
Oh, shut up.
- You look perfect.
- Go on, please.
Oh, come on.
Relax, let's go.
Oh, hot!
You look good.
Bring that back home.
Jesus, enough.
You look like a Tim Burton
creature.
Hey. What was going on
with you and Danny?
What do you mean?
Did he make fun of your shirt
or something?
What's wrong with my shirt?
It's casual chic.
I can't believe how long
you've been here.
Yeah, it's crazy.
No, no, it's, like,
it's flown by.
Do you like your room?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
Whoo!
Why are we stopping?
'Cause I'm picking up a friend.
Oh, my God, am I on your date?
Shit, is that why
you're wearing CK One?
- No.
- I can smell you from here.
It's fine.
Blanca, you remember my sister,
Justine.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Do you always bring
your pregnant sister on dates?
Just when I'm trying
to guarantee I won't get laid.
I'm sorry. I had no idea.
You should just take me home.
No.
No, no, no, no.
You know what?
I love your eye shadow.
- Thanks!
- It's gorgeous.
Oh, thank you.
I love your hair.
Oh, my God, thank you.
It's incredible.
I love your highlights.
- I did these myself.
- Really?
- Yeah. L'Oreal.
- This coat's from Old Navy.
I always wanted to do highlights
but I'm always afraid...
Don't want to miss the band.
You didn't tell me
this was a date, by the way.
This is gonna be a fun time.
You know, I never go out.
Thanks, guys.
We'll be back in ten.
Stay sexy.
That's not
Toad the Wet Sprocket.
I know you think it is.
But it's not.
You want me to get you another
cran and soda?
No, it's cool.
I got it.
Sorry, she just
doesn't get out much.
She's awesome.
So, um, Georgia's dad,
he said that he talked
to you the other day.
Yeah, Teddy left his giraffe,
so I went and grabbed it.
Mm.
So you got a giraffe
and a job offer.
That's cool.
He said you were there
for like an hour,
and that you were
really impressive.
Yeah, it's a finance job,
which is fucking boring.
It's practically entry-level.
You gonna take it?
Uh, I am.
You know, my cousin needs a job.
Your sister should totally
hire her to take care of Teddy.
What?
I like having sex with you, but
I wasn't planning our wedding.
Okay.
You're not taking us seriously,
are you?
I know.
I just...
I thought that you were
taking me seriously
and it made me feel better
about my life.
Oh.
That's fucked up.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go play Asteroids.
I'm gonna stay here
and get drunk.
That's cool.
You do that.
See, if you stay here,
you already have a girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
Okay, sensitivo.
I used to sneak in here.
I used to want to be in here
so badly.
How depressing is that?
You know what?
I can't hear you mope anymore.
Okay?
Look.
Pregnant Running Man.
Stretching.
Stretching.
Come on.
You just came to drink?
It's a bar.
Well, we don't have to hang out.
Go and talk to your
not girlfriend.
She'll make you feel better.
I'll feel better when I get back
to my life.
There's a job in the city.
I'm gonna take it.
You're gonna have to find someone
else to take care of Teddy.
Blanca said she know someone,
so...
Just so you're prepared.
Wow.
That's great.
You must be relieved.
Don't make me feel bad.
It's a real job.
I have to take it.
No, no.
It's great.
Could you just get me my juice?
Okay, don't.
Okay?
If you say that you're gonna
get your own juice,
then I believe that
that is what you're gonna do.
Why are you getting like this?
It's just, like, if you want me
to get you juice, just ask.
But don't test me.
I'm not Danny.
Oh, thanks.
Just, like, sleep
with your husband, okay?
I'm not your problem.
What?
I never go out.
Fuck you.
- So what, we're leaving?
- Yeah.
Fine. Take the car.
I'll stay somewhere else.
- Right, where are you gonna go?
- I have friends.
Really? Why didn't you stay with
them for the last three months?
I've been here for almost three
months helping you.
But I don't want that
to be my whole life.
Don't worry.
It's not.
People die.
People are born.
But the only reason you stick
around for more than two minutes
is when you need something.
I needed you
to make me feel better.
I had something real,
and now it's gone.
Don't talk to me
about how you had something real
and now it's gone.
No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
No one told you you had to
drop out of law school.
She didn't ask you to come home
and take care of her.
Because she didn't have to.
She said she didn't want me
to interrupt my life
just because she was sick.
We didn't even come close
to interrupting your life.
If you had a dog, it would
have interrupted your life
more than Mom dying.
You don't think I wanted
to be there when she died?
I called you. I called you
when we knew it was close.
I told the nurse, I said,
"Tell me when it's close,
I need to call my brother.
We need to be here together."
I left you messages.
I couldn't breathe.
Dad was here.
Danny was here.
That's right, I'm an asshole
and Danny's a saint.
I wanted you here.
Me. I called you
because I needed you.
But you know what?
It's fine.
Because Danny held Mom's hand
with me until I was ready
to let it go.
Well, Danny's fucking around
with that real estate agent,
but I'm glad he was there.
I'm sorry.
I had to tell you.
What... wait a second.
Hey, baby.
How's the concert?
Hey.
It's a girl.
Wh...
I'm sorry.
Justine, I'm sorry.
This one.
Not this one!
Yeah, but you said
you wanted to wear the...
- No!
- Come on, Teddy, you said
you wanted to wear
the robot shirt.
- I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
You said you wanted to wear
the robot shirt.
I don't... I really don't want to
have this discussion right now.
No!
Hey, where's Danny?
I don't know.
He's not here.
But I made him leave the car.
Come on, I got this.
- Yeah, over here.
- Yeah, come here, honey.
- He's right there.
- I know, I know.
- Let's put on your shirt, okay?
- No.
- Yeah.
- Come on, honey.
You love this shirt.
Okay.
Use soft hands, please.
No, Mommy, no!
- Please? Please?
- Yeah, no hitting.
Hey! No.
Come on. Soft hands.
You know what?
I think you guys
just need to go.
I just need some time to myself.
Hey, Teddy, you wanna
take a chill pill, bro?
Chill pill, bro.
Yeah.
Trains
Trains? You like trains?
Mm.
I'm a big fan of trains myself.
Don't ride backwards
on a train though, okay?
Why?
It'll make you sick.
Do you ever get nauseous?
I don't know.
No?
Dude, he's a genius.
You've never met
a three-year-old.
This is normal.
This is not normal.
How are all the museums closed
today?
It's Monday.
Everything's closed on Monday.
Museums, theaters, that amazing
meatball place.
I gotta tape everything up.
Make sure he doesn't
hurt himself.
Oh, that's great.
I mean, for me.
You wouldn't believe what
happened here last Friday.
This hooker hit a vein.
Teddy, do you want to go
to the park?
No park!
- I mean, it bled everywhere.
- Come on, buddy.
You want to stay in Hudson's
apartment all day?
I have to go to the park.
Yeah, well, he's going
to the park
for a different reason
than you're going to the park.
Yeah, but two birds, right?
One stone.
Hello?
Yeah?
Where are you guys?
Dinner's almost ready.
We're in the city.
At Hudson's place.
Hudson?
Hey, Jake's hot sister.
That dirtbag?
- I can't believe you.
- Hudson says hello.
Hello?
Hello?
What does she look like now?
My sister?
- My pregnant sister?
- She still hot?
Oh, you're a little crazy
person, huh?
Mommy!
Baby!
Hi.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, Mama!
Hey, baby.
You told me to take him
on a trip.
We're going home now.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
This is not an appropriate place
for a child.
You're not an appropriate place
for a child.
So should I follow you?
No, do not follow me.
Hey, uh,
I'm out of clean sheets,
but we're gonna make this work.
Most of our traders
are in their 20s.
This work is gonna kick
your ass.
I am used to
having my ass kicked.
And the salary's...
It's awful.
I'm aware.
It's okay.
Well, Rich Kaplan
says you're good.
You probably are.
You play golf?
Yeah, a little bit.
You play?
Yeah, all the time.
I used to play in college.
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't recommend it
unless I believed
in the product myself.
I'm telling you, Emmy and Morgan
are gonna thank you,
once they're old enough to talk.
All right.
Okay, I gotta go.
Thanks, Howard, bye.
There was no receptionist
so I just walked back here.
I noticed that.
You know this is my place
of work, right?
You won't call me back.
So what am I supposed to do?
I don't know.
Use your inside voice.
She won't see me.
I haven't hung out
with Teddy in two days.
He had a doctor's visit
the other day.
I didn't even know about it
until the next day.
Whoa, what's wrong with him?
That croup-flu thing again.
Okay, well,
what's his temperature?
I don't know.
That's my point, man.
I mean, Teddy could be, like,
counting to, like, 100 by now.
I seriously doubt that.
I'm writing him these little
tiny postcards.
I don't know what else to do.
Sorry, all we have
is the small ones.
He has his little swim class
graduation next week.
What if they wear caps
and I'm not there?
Fuck, man,
it's not like I'm unhappy.
Okay, where are you living?
In that house I just finished.
On an air mattress.
No sheets.
I don't know how the fuck you
slept on that raft
for three months.
You know what, man?
Whatever. I deserve it.
Well, you can begin
by going to Target.
Get the Martha Stewart sheets.
They're soft as fuck.
I'm telling you.
Are you gonna help me?
Are you gonna use
your inside voice?
Are you gonna help me?
Well, you are a totally
uneventful pregnancy.
Very healthy.
Very boring.
See you next month.
We are getting a nice bump in
our advanced risk investments.
I gotta say, Jake, I wasn't
sure you were up for this.
But these are some
animal numbers.
Yeah, bro, what's
with the 5:00 A.M. clock-ins?
What are you?
Part rooster?
I hear...
Just heard,
that he does like cock.
Oh, shit!
I'm just... don't,
don't shoot the messenger.
Early bird gives the beej.
Ha. Cock. Awesome. Yes.
Uh, but like Phil was saying,
we are seeing a ton of reward
in our high-yield portfolio.
And... excuse me.
Sorry.
If we look towards
the second quarter,
we're gonna see some real big
numbers
if we just stay the course on,
um...
I'm sorry.
I just gotta quickly take this.
Excuse me.
Hey, is everything okay?
No! Hey!
No, Mommy, no!
Justine, it's your brother,
Jake, hello?
Teddy. Teddy, we need you
to put your trunks on.
You cannot be a naked boy
in swim class.
I can be a naked boy.
Just one second.
Teddy. Teddy, we need
to put your trunks on, okay?
Hey, where's my giraffe?
Honey.
Unky Jake, Unky Jake, Unky Jake!
Teddy, hey, can you please
have soft...
Sorry, man.
I've got a family emergency.
So I'll be back
in a couple of hours tomorrow
if it runs any longer, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just called you an animal.
I never say that.
Right, and I'm gonna be back
in that chair tomorrow,
animal-ing it up.
Okay, so, you have a choice
you have to make.
Either you're the guy
who sits right back in the chair
right now.
Or you're the guy who leaves
work for his family.
Right.
Don't... don't give me
that look.
This isn't Jerry Maguire, dude.
I won't fire you.
You can put up numbers.
But you know this is one
of those decisions
that will keep you right here.
In the middle.
Forever.
Fucking intense.
I'll be back bright and early,
okay?
Like a rooster.
Cock, cock, man.
All right, Neal,
what else do you got for us?
"There's a lot of reward
in risk."
Yeah, I just heard Jake
say that.
What else do you got, Neal?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Right, well, I'm picking up
where he left off.
Hurry up.
The meter's running.
Let's go.
- Schnell, schnell, come on.
- I'm coming.
Oh, my God.
Don't... Look, just let me talk.
You don't even have
a bathing suit.
I have on boxer briefs.
It's fine.
Not really.
- I'll get out.
- No, we're coming in.
Daddy, I'm swimming!
Buddy, you are swimming.
- And Mama, too.
- Honestly.
Oh, come on.
We're getting out.
Oh, that is cold.
Danny, this is ridiculous.
Hey, ladies.
Hi, hi.
I'm Teddy's daddy.
- Hey, buddy.
- Come on.
What? Dude, why are you
holding onto me?
I'm not entirely comfortable
here.
Yeah, me neither.
Okay, I'll hold him.
You guys talk.
Go to Uncle Jakey, come on.
- What are you doing?
- I need to talk to you.
Hey, buddy.
Look.
It was a one time thing.
Okay? That happened
one-and-a-half times, okay?
Justine, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, you know I am.
I don't know what I needed,
but it wasn't that.
And I'll do anything.
I'll wake up every morning
with Teddy until you forgive me.
I'll get up in the middle
of the night
with the baby
until you forgive me.
I'll do whatever
you need me to do.
But you've gotta let me
come home.
So many visitors.
Teddy, do you think you're ready
to try and jump in?
- Oh, today?
- What? Wait.
No, he doesn't have to,
if he's not ready.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy, you gotta jump in okay?
We gotta go under, okay?
Watch Daddy.
Like this.
Ready?
You do it.
Okay, we gotta go under.
- We gotta show him.
- You gonna go under?
Yeah.
Today's our last class.
- I don't want to.
- She's right.
She's right.
You gotta do it.
You know what?
I'll stay up here, okay?
I'll stay up here
in case he jumps in.
You hold onto Jake,
and I'll hold onto you.
- Nobody's gonna drown.
- Jesus. Drown?
What? Isn't that
what you're worried about?
You know what?
You're new to this class.
Why don't you just back off?
Hey, I'm not new to this class.
I been in this class
a long time.
I'm gonna be in this class
forever.
Okay.
Hold onto me.
We're going under.
Okay?
Teddy, look at Jakey and Mommy.
We're gonna go under.
Okay?
You know I'm doing this just
so you'll stop talking to me.
Great.
I'll be right here.
One...
Two...
Three!
Come on, buddy.
Jump.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I thought we were all getting
pizza.
She's back at the house.
- She's in labor.
- What?
What the fuck are you doing
picking me up here?
Chill out, dude.
She's in the first inning.
Got, like, hours to go.
Wanna blaze?
I'm just kidding.
We do have to pick up
a pizza though.
She'll fucking kill me
if I don't.
"And the owl baby took
his new owl baby sister,
"and together they flew down
from the tree
"to their little red car.
"'Let's go fast, '
said the owl baby sister.
'Put on your seatbelt, '
said her owl baby brother."
Hi, guys.
I'm gonna go put your bag
in the car.
Teddy, you wanna help Daddy?
- No.
- It's okay.
We're here and we're reading
about baby owls.
Okay.
Well, tell your brother
to relax.
Kiss.
Okay.
Hey.
How are you doing?
When was your last contraction?
20 minutes ago.
Relax.
People should be moving
at a different clip here.
Hey, Teddy, Mommy and Daddy
are gonna go to the hospital
for a little while,
and you're gonna stay here
with Unky Jake, okay?
What does that mean?
Donuts!
Cookies!
More than two shows!
Three shows!
Yeah.
Who stayed with you
when I was born?
I have no idea.
Justine, your fort-building
skills
are very structurally unsound.
I'm in labor.
Honestly, I'd put more
sconces in here.
Noted.
"I am a frog.
My name is Anton..."
Oh, God, I hate this story.
Can we change it?
I'm the guest.
No, you're not.
"...lived a family
of three bears.
"The first was a great big bear.
"The second was a middling-sized
bear.
"And the third was a little
teeny-tiny bear.
"And they all lived together,
in a fine little house.
And very happy they were."