Advanced Chemistry (2023) Movie Script

1
[dramatic music]
[hip-hop music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct cheering]
-[woman laughing]
-Hey, you know the party
is inside, right?
[chuckles] Um, yeah, of course.
-Uh, it-- it's just there's a...
-Yeah.
...a meteor shower tonight.
Oh, cool. I had no idea.
Well, um, I'm a scientist, so.
Ooh, cool. Like an astronomer?
No. I, um... [clears throat]
I study the science
of human behavior.
-I'm a biochemist.
-Mm.
-Well, I'm a bisexual.
[chuckles]
-[laughs]
I mean, I usually go for girls,
but I thought I might try
something different this year.
-Oh. Okay.
-[Marcia] Yo, Allen! [laughs]
It's almost midnight, bro.
We're about to watch
the ball drop.
-Oh! Uh--
-Hi. I'm Marcia.
Sarah. We were just about
to watch a star shower.
-Yeah.
-[chuckles] That's
very flattering,
but, uh, usually I don't let
anyone watch me shower
-until after the second date.
-[laughs]
-You're funny.
-You're correct. And cute.
-Thank you. You're cute too.
-[Marcia chuckles]
-[people shouting] Ten, nine...
-You know, Sarah,
I have a serious problem.
-Oh, no!
-Um, it's almost midnight,
and I don't have anyone to kiss.
-Oh, uh-- hey, I don't have
anyone to kiss either.
-[Sarah] Oh, no.
[mumbles] ...okay.
-[moaning]
-[people distantly cheering]
[softly] Happy New Year.
-Ooh!
-[loud splashing]
-[woman laughing]
-[Marcia] Do you hear that?
-[Sarah] No.
-[Marcia laughs]
-Happy new year.
-[Sarah giggles]
[bubbling]
[soft squeaking]
-[sighs]
-[Lisa giggling]
[sighing] Oh. Lisa.
Fantastic stuff.
Allen, ready for review?
Uh, hi, Jim. That's,
uh, that's set for Friday.
-Change of plans.
Friday, I go skydiving.
-Oh!
[Jim laughs]
And starting next week,
I want both of you
to do some field work.
We can't be sure
what works in the lab
will also work in the voles'
natural environment.
-Although Lisa's project
probably will.
-Oh!
I have no reason to doubt
that mine will also work
in the field.
[laughs] Glad you don't.
Uh, I'm gonna put you
in charge of organizing
the field lab.
Lisa is far too busy
doing some important work.
[stutters] Well,
you know, my research
could be revolutionary.
-Helping people be monogamous
and truly find bonding--
-Boring!
Lisa's work could actually
help women experience
total sexual freedom!
With no concerns for feelings
getting in the way!
[Allen]
Uh...
Okay, yeah, I get it.
[Jim]
Where's your presentation?
Oh. Uh, okay.
So, uh, I am, I am,
uh, generating data,
characterizing, uh,
hormones and the way
they affect behavior
such as bonding.
-One second, this is just--
-Lisa.
Lixi. The nanodrug
that balances hormones.
Nanoparticles are administered
via injection and enter
into the subject's bloodstream.
The nanodrugs then track
the subject's hormone levels
and transmit the data
via an AI, which then
sends optimal levels back.
The nanos trigger cell receptors
and then activate
and close accordingly.
The subject's hormones
are balanced,
resulting in greater behavioral
and emotional health.
[soft upbeat music playing]
If the subject is anxious,
Lixi can upregulate
positive neurochemicals.
If the subject
has repressed feelings,
such as for a romantic interest,
Lixi can theoretically lift
social blocks,
increase confidence,
and allow them to bond again.
While Lixi is
in its early stages,
-my initial findings
are promising.
-[chiming]
-[Jim] So-- Whoa!
-Yeah. It's great.
-Wonderful work, Lisa! Wow!
-[laughs]
So, got some news.
We had budget cuts
and we can only fund
one of you next year.
Wh-- what? Wait.
Ho-- how can that be?
-We're in the middle of,
of a r-- research--
-Not, not, not my--
not, not my decision.
If you wanna talk any further,
-I'm available. Uh-- No!
-Yeah, of course.
-Because we need to know what--
-Not-- not, not now.
I have dinner plans.
You might say it's a date, uh,
because I'm pretty sure it is.
But, Allen, as for the review,
for now, it will have
to be failure to be reviewed.
Wha-- no--
[gasping and sighing] Oh, gosh.
-That's cold.
-Damn it. I'm probably the one
who's gonna be screwed.
-Yep.
-I think he'd be more
into my work,
with vasopressin
and oxytocin increasing bonding
and monogamous behavior.
I'd imagine, if he found
someone who really liked him,
he'd want to keep them.
-DEFCON 4!
That means Orange Alert.
-[loud beeping]
-Hit the deck.
-[both grunting]
Good drill.
Safety Officer Nancy approves.
That's the third time
this month!
Man, Safety Officer Nancy
really loves her job.
[panting] Holy shit.
She terrifies me.
Oh, well, on the bright side,
you probably won't have
to deal with it much longer.
-[dance music playing]
-[pool balls clacking]
So, no Sarah tonight?
Hard to be your wing woman
when my wife is there.
And a lot harder
to pick up other women.
How can you say you love Sarah
when you do that?
Man, we've been
over this already.
I come from a long line
of cheaters,
and when I took
the 23andMe test,
-it said I'm 89% cheater.
[chuckles]
-[scoffs]
But enough about me
and my woman.
-Let's get you laid.
-You know I'm not
just looking for that.
[scoffs] Yeah, I know. You're
a nice boy who wants a wife,
but in order to do that,
you need to talk
to a female first.
-I talk to females all the time.
-[mockingly laughs]
Most of them are rodents.
Excuse me. Uh,
my friend would like
to buy you drinks.
-Your friend?
-Yep. That, uh, rich,
sexy devil over there.
Oh. I'm, uh, not rich.
I'm just a scientist.
Oh, he's being modest.
He won't tell you
about his giant package, either.
-[laughs] Hmm.
-I mean, his retirement package.
So, Mr. Mai Tai,
you're a scientist?
Uh, for now. I just found out
I may lose my job.
Oh. Sorry.
So what kind of science?
I'm working
with voles right now.
-They're a kind of rodent.
-Ew. Gross.
I mean, it is
one of God's creatures,
but still gross.
[sighs] I'm making
some discoveries
that could help fix
the behavior of cheaters.
By playing with chemicals,
we can control
whether voles
are monogamous or polygamous.
Humans have those same chemicals
and women who tend to cheat
have shorter oxytocin receptors.
You don't need
to single out women.
Men cheat more than women.
More than some women.
In theory, if we increase
a person's vasopressin
and oxytocin,
they become
more inclined to monogamy.
There's still
a lot of research to do,
but this could be the first
really impactful work I've done.
I just hope I can finish,
you know, before--
Why don't you two keep talking
while Jen and I... [laughs]
-Jen is straight.
-I'm, I'm sure she was.
But Marcia...
[moaning]
[Allen clears throat]
Uh, so, uh, you're
a Catholic school teacher?
Does that mean you're religious?
I'm sorry.
That's a stupid question, right?
I'm a little religious,
but not crazy religious.
I only go to Mass on Sunday.
And on Monday... through Friday.
But never on Saturday.
[moaning continues]
[Marcia laughs]
I also, uh, play air guitar.
[light hip-hop music playing]
I need to use the restroom.
Oh. Okay. Sure.
[Jen moans]
[inaudible]
Why are we winking?
[moaning]
I love you, Jesus.
Hail Mary, full of grace!
[loudly moans]
[panting]
-[water running]
-[cell phone ringing]
-Hey, baby.
-[Sarah] Hey.
Uh. Bad news.
I'm gonna be
at the office late tonight.
Oh, uh. No worries.
Same here.
[sighs] I love you.
And, uh, I love you.
[chuckles] Okay, baby,
I gotta get to work, okay?
Or I'm gonna be in big trouble.
Oh, you're the best boss ever.
-[knocks on door]
-Shit! Uh,
-let's pretend I'm not here.
-Okay.
-[Sarah] Marcia, honey.
-[gasps] Oh, shit!
-[whispers] Oh, God,
get your shit--
-[Sarah] Honey.
Wait. Save that for later.
-[thudding]
-[Sarah] Marcia. Honey?
[cell phone ringing]
-Surprise! Hey, babe!
-Hey!
-Hi!
-You know, I was actually on
the way here when I was calling.
-Wha-- Yeah.
-Emily wasn't at her desk,
so I just let myself in.
[softly chuckles] That's crazy.
Uh, well, you did surprise me.
You know, why don't--
why don't we go out for dinner?
Why spend all that money
on a restaurant
-when I packed us
a picnic lunch?
-[chuckles]
-Just like our first date.
-Oh!
That is so fucking sweet.
-Why are you so good to me?
-Because you're
my soul mate, dummy.
-Yeah, I am. I fucking love you.
-[Sarah chuckles]
-Let's go eat
in the conference room.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-You know, I thought maybe
we could eat some food.
-Uh-huh.
And a... variety
of other things in here.
You do have a private office.
Yeah, I do! Uh,
this is very private.
Just a lot of work on the desk.
-I don't, you know,
wanna make a mess.
-Yeah.
-Just--
-I think we should. I mean,
that's half the fun, right?
[romantic music]
[Marcia]
Hey, man.
Sorry about the other night.
I was setting you up
with a girl,
and next thing I knew,
I was eating her out.
[laughs] It's okay.
Well, other than you
cheating on Sarah again.
Anyway, my conversation
with that girl
wasn't going anywhere.
Sometimes I have trouble
thinking of things
to say to women.
-Okay. Almost always.
-Yep.
Always. Guess what, though?
-Hmm?
-She was a squirter. [laughs]
-Uh--
-Coming from her,
I would say the holy water.
-Can I get an amen? Amen--
-That's-- You know,
tha-- uh, yeah. Okay.
-That's much more
information than I need to hear.
-Dude, we're best friends.
We're supposed to be able
to share stuff like this.
Yeah, but maybe some things
we can kind of keep
-to ourselves, huh?
-[sighing] Oh, man.
Look at us.
We used to be such nerds.
Remember that time
I got called a lesbo
for trying to kiss that girl
-during spin the bottle?
-[chuckling] Yeah.
-You got so angry.
-I was so angry!
-I know, the bicep flexing
and everything--
-'Cause that was gonna be
the first time
that I got to kiss a chick!
You know, that's when I swore
I was gonna kiss every chick
on this planet.
Oh, I think you have.
And the fact that you had to get
adult braces hasn't seemed
to slow you down.
Uh, adult braces means
you're doing adult things.
-[chuckles] You should
get you some.
-[sighs]
Oh, come on, man,
one of these days,
you find a lucky lady
that's gonna appreciate you.
Air guitar champion.
-Yeah. Janelle didn't think--
-Ah! La, la, la, la, la, la!
-Don't say that name, man.
-Wha--
-You need to move on.
-I have moved on!
Okay? I've tried. But still,
I wasn't an air guitar champion,
I only got the bronze medal.
Although I am
a minor celebrity in Oulu.
[laughs] First Black
air guitar medalist.
-Mm!
-Uh, uh!
[laughter]
[sighs] Still,
I'd trade all my air guitar
success for the right girl.
You know, I really thought
that was Janelle.
Are you still letting her
store stuff in your bedroom?
Yeah. Last week
she brought more stuff over.
-[sighs]
-Now there's a kind of
Janelle corner in my bedroom.
She mentioned bringing
a sex swing next week.
-May have been used.
-Dude, wake up.
You're a personal
sex librarian, man,
and that is not cool.
-She cheated on--
-Yes! Yes, I am aware
and I am grateful for that
because otherwise
I would never have gotten
into the science of monogamy.
-And anyway,
who are you to judge, huh?
-[scoffs]
Well, actually, uh, I wanted
to talk to you about that.
Sarah almost caught me
with Emily.
-Your assistant?
-Yeah.
Marcia, you know there's
a power imbalance there!
Yes, there is! She had a whip.
-[scoffing] Oh, God.
-Come on, bro, I need help.
You know that thing
we talked about at the bar?
You mean, my studies with voles?
I need you to do that to me.
I'm tired of lying to Sarah.
[laughing]
There's nothing funny
about that.
No, th-- we are nowhere near
human testing.
You are, now!
Look, I'm volunteering
to be a guinea pig.
There are years of trials
before human models.
Regulations!
I could lose everything!
I-- I could go to prison.
Look at me.
I would do terribly in prison.
You would think I'm a snitch?
-I wouldn't tell anybody.
-So--
No, I just--
I can't. What if you--
[whispers] What if you have
a bad reaction?
[normally] No. You know, no.
I'm not even gonna consider it.
-You know what? Forget it. No.
Don't even bring it up anymore.
-Please. Please,
-please, please! Please!
-No, it's a stupid--
What are you doing? Oh, my--
-Please! You're
turning me straight!
-No! What are you doing?
-No-- Stop it! This is so--
-It's so you do it--
[horn honking]
-[birds chirping]
-[softly chuckles]
[cell phone ringing] Love
Love is all that I want--
-Hello.
-[Marcia] Please,
please, please!
-[deeply sighs] No! No!
-Please, please, please!
-Come on, Allen,
please! Please. Please!
-No! You gave me a hickey. No!
Damn it, I can't.
[heavily breathing]
[mumbling, shouts]
Marcia! Marcia!
What are you doing here?
Please, please.
With cherry on top, man, please!
Some of the best discoveries
happened by accident.
-Damn it, Marcia, I already
told you I can't risk--
-[cell phone ringing]
-See, that's a sign.
-[groans] No,
it's another spam call.
I don't mean the caller.
I mean that ringtone
going off in this moment.
It's a sign
that I keep getting spam calls
and need to change
my phone settings.
Look, bro.
If you love someone
like I love Sarah
and kept getting
in your own way, I'd help you.
I mean, look how messed up
you are about Janelle.
-She didn't love you,
but I love Sarah.
-Ouch.
-Thanks for the reminder.
Really nice.
-All right, listen.
If your work can enhance bonding
and stop cheating,
you'll save my marriage
and your job.
And probably help,
like, millions of people!
[scoffs] And your career.
Come on, man, do it for love!
-[mumbles] Marcia, Marcia! No!
-Please. Love.
-[crying] Oh, no.
-I'll send you some pictures
of my bitches.
-Oh, Marcia!
-[horns honking]
[sighs] I can't promise
what the effect will be.
The theory is, if you have
a bond with one person
at the time of injection,
this will enhance
those behaviors.
I'm calling
this compound... Bondo.
[scoffs] Dope name.
Look, I have a bond
with Sarah. A real bond.
All right?
Not just some physical stuff
-that I have
with a couple of other ladies.
-Mm-hmm.
-All right, like five or ten.
-Mm-hmm.
Come on, man,
numbers don't matter.
What matters is Sarah!
Also, the effect is temporary.
So even if this works,
the half-life
isn't more than a few weeks.
And that's why you're gonna
give me some more.
[light whimsical music]
Arm or butt.
Oh, God damn it.
I hate needles, man.
All right, but the butt
is softer, so let's do that.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
This can be self-administered.
And since that's a private area,
I'm just gonna
-give you the needle.
-Oh, no! I don't trust myself.
-Come on, stick it in.
-Fine. I'll do it.
Bend over. No, I'll stick it in.
Just stop clenching
or it won't go in!
Relax your butt!
Oh, okay. Going in now.
-[shouts]
-[glass shatters]
What was-- Oh. [softly moans]
[softly mumbles] Wh--
-[thudding]
-Oh.
L-- Lisa! Wh-- what are you
doing here on a Saturday?
Oh, I... [stutters]
I just, um, forgot my laptop.
You-- y-- you shouldn't
be doing that in here.
[Allen]
Doing, doing what?
Oh, no. You thought we were--
Oh, no, no, no!
Come, le-- let me sh--
C-- come, come, let me show you.
Uh, look, see?
[panting] Hey! This is,
uh, my friend, Marcia.
She is fully dressed.
Everything's okay.
[mimicking]
Hi, Lisa. I'm Marcia.
[music continues]
Hello.
Uh, so why do you have
a drugged woman in the lab?
[sighs] Marcia asked me
to inject her with Bondo
to help her bond
with her wife better.
Because she cheats a lot.
-But she feels
really bad about--
-Human testing?
She was very adamant about it.
I mean, she really
loves her wife!
-[Lisa] Oh, God.
Love is so overrated.
-Huh?
I was in love once.
You know, I only got over him
when I came here
and I fell in love with the idea
of a scientific way
to prevent attachment.
But don't you wanna be
in love again someday?
Honestly, I just don't think
that love is
a realistic goal for me.
I mean, that guy
wasn't even my boyfriend.
He was just my high school
chemistry lab partner, Blake.
Oh, he had this long,
just flaxen hair.
-[shouts]
-Oh! Oh, Marcia, no,
calm down, calm down. Okay.
This-- it's okay.
This is my colleague, uh, Lisa.
-[Marcia] Oh.
-You're okay.
Did it work?
-I wanna see Sarah.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-That's a,
that's a promising start.
-[grunts]
-Okay, but, uh,
oxytocin is released with touch.
-So when you get home, make sure
you touch Sarah a lot. Okay?
-Okay.
And, and that will help you
re-bond with her,
but don't touch anyone else
on the way home.
It's possible that this drug
could also cause fixation
on someone
you don't have a bond with.
-[Nancy] I see broken glass!
Safety check.
-[gasps]
-[Nancy] Freeze!
-Come on!
[siren blaring]
-Let's go.
-Go, go, go, go, go, go!
[upbeat quirky music]
-[panting] What now?
-To the janitor's closet!
-Yeah. Yeah, let's--
-Go! Go!
-[Lisa shouts]
-[shushes] Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[panting] I, I, I,
I think we lost her.
-I think we lost her. Oh--
-[footsteps approaching]
[Nancy growling]
[music continues]
Say hello to my little friend.
-[yells]
-[gasps] Oh!
[yelling]
[panting]
I'm gonna tase you like
you've never been tased before.
You've probably never been
tased before. Come on, Nancy!
[Marcia]
Who the hell is that anyway?
[Allen]
That's Safety Officer Nancy.
She makes sure
we follow protocols.
Every lab has a Safety Officer.
Normally, they're not at work
on a Saturday night.
[Lisa]
There's nothing normal
about Nancy.
-Here!
-[panting]
[siren continues blaring]
Upstairs, upstairs! Go, go, go!
[Marcia]
And what would happen
if she catches us?
-[Allen] Prison, Marcia.
-[Marcia] Prison?
-Not for me--
-[yells and groans]
I'll distract her.
-[grunts]
-[glass shatters]
-Let's see.
Where to go, where to go?
-[indistinct mumbling]
-Down there.
Come on, come on! Let's go!
-Go, go, go, go, go!
Yeah, yeah!
[panting]
Well played. [chuckles]
But don't ever underestimate
Safety Officer Nancy.
You hear that? Not you.
[panting and cheering]
[laughing]
And you-- why-- why--
-Why did you help us?
-Listen.
Even though we're competing
for the same job,
I wanna win fair and square.
Not because Jim
wants to fire you
because you drugged some woman
in the lab, or because
-Safety Officer Nancy...
-That's, that's, that's all you.
...wants to put you in jail.
Oh, my gosh! She won't rest
until she gets us.
I know that
because she never rests.
Even when there's no one to get.
[grunts] Oh, bring it!
[sharply exhales and grunting]
[laughs] Who are you?
-[laughs]
-Uh, don't worry. Nancy
doesn't know you injected me.
Oh, shit. You're right.
I panicked. Why did we run?
You didn't need to panic,
she didn't see our faces.
Yeah, but there's
not a lot of people
who work
in our corner of the lab.
[Lisa]
Well, maybe somebody broke in.
Man, you really threw
that beaker like a grenade.
-[chuckles]
-That was badass.
-[chuckles]
-I have been... stretching.
Uh...
-[chuckles]
-Anyway, let's hope this works.
I'm heading home
to Sarah right now.
I'm about to touch
the hell out of her.
All right.
Just don't touch anyone else.
-Are you going home too?
-I don't know where I'm going.
[cheerfully shouts]
[cheerful music]
-[Marcia] Hi, smoochie squirrel.
-Hi.
-[laughs] For you. Yeah!
-Oh! Whoa!
These look so expensive!
Yeah, well, no amount
-is too much for you.
-[heavenly chiming]
-[laughs]
-Thank you.
I'm just saying, you know,
I mean, they're, they're nice,
-but they die so soon, they're
not-- not a good investment.
-Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well,
you're my long-term investment.
[both laughing]
[grunting gently]
-So much touching.
-Oh! [shushes]
[kissing]
[Marcia on phone]
Oh, man, it was awesome.
I mean, I felt
all the love that I felt
-from when we first dated.
-[chuckles]
And now I've lost
feeling in my jaw.
-Uh--
-Yeah, because of oral.
Yeah. I was doing
oral sex with Sarah.
Yeah. Yeah, it--
but it, it worked!
Anecdotal,
but Bondo is promising.
We may just have saved
your marriage and my career!
Let's celebrate. Dinner tonight.
-I can't. Got a date with Sarah.
-This weekend.
Uh, definitely. Uh, maybe, uh,
catching up on lost times
with Sarah right now.
Oh, o-- okay.
[light suspenseful music]
-Psst!
-[gasps]
-Did the eagle land?
-The-- the eagle?
-Your project! Did it work?
-Oh, yeah, it wor--
Yeah, it would seem
that it did, yeah.
-Wow. So maybe it's really
a novel discovery.
-[laughing] Yeah!
Well-- you know,
we have to see yet, just...
You know, uh...
...trials and all that.
There can be only one.
[upbeat music]
[muted]
Baby, I get so lost
I can't stop the thinkin'
about your touch
And I need ten dollars
You give me a buck
And it makes me stuck
It makes me stuck
Whoa, whoa
Baby, baby, since I met you
I can't think of nothin' else
All you gotta do
is look at my way
And my heart starts to melt
And if you want this lovin'
then come get some
I've been savin' up
Sure, I haven't been tryin'
too hard to hide
that you're the one I want
The one! I'm stuck!
Oh, oh, I get so stuck
Oh, oh, God, yeah, so stuck
I get so stuck, oh
Ooh, I'm stuck
I get so stuck, oh
Oh, God, I get so stuck
I get so stuck
[muted]
Sarah, Sarah, eyes! Focus.
I need that report very soon
or I'm absolutely,
positively gonna lose it.
Yes, Lou,
you should lose it. I'm, I'm--
I'm so sorry
that I'm so far behind.
It's been a crazy week. And I--
-Same here.
-Sorry. Yes, you're right.
I-- I promise to have
that report for you
-by the end of the day--
-You're on the clock!
-[whispers] Sorry.
-[Marcia] ...picnic
-What is happening?
Do you hear that?
-What? No.
How can you-- you, you--
okay, it's you then.
Okay. What is that?
-Probably nothing.
-You know what it is. That's why
you're saying you don't know
-what it is.
So you know what it is.
-Mm-hmm. I know
it's my wife. I'm so sorry.
Ooh, we're havin' a pic--
-Hey! Hey, honey.
-Marcia! Hi!
I brought us a picnic lunch.
You know,
-just like the first date. So--
-Uh, Lou, this is my wife,
Marcia. Marcia,
this is my boss, Lou.
-Hi. It's great
to finally meet you. Hi.
-Nice to meet you as well.
-[chuckles]
-Yeah. Um,
I've got a great idea.
Why don't, uh, I call my husband
and he can join
our meeting? [chuckles]
Wait, I thought
you are divorced.
Uh, I'm making a point, Sarah.
Yes. Sorry. Marcia,
you should've called first.
-Ah, I'm so sorry.
See you tonight?
-[Sarah softly] That's okay.
Uh, no, I-- t--
I have, uh, I have
ladies night tonight, so...
-Oh. Can I come?
-Well, no, I'm sorry.
-It's no partners, so...
-Oh. Okay.
-I haven't had lunch.
-Oh.
Oh! Oh, great. Actually,
maybe we'll keep this
and, uh, we can have--
we can work through lunch.
Sure. Um,
great to meet you, Marcy.
-Uh. Marcia. But--
-Goodbye.
-Okay. Okay.
-Goodbye, Marsh-- Marsh--
-Marc--
-Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
-[Marcia] Late--
-Huh.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
[femalish voice]
Oh, I love basketball.
Mind if I join?
[loudly coughs]
Excuse me. Hey, you look
like a fellow lonely man.
-[knocks on door]
-[deeply inhales]
-[deeply exhales]
-[door opens]
[light hip-hop music]
[clears throat]
I have a pair
of messages for you.
Emily, I told you, it's over.
Okay? I'm
a "one woman" woman now.
Monogamy? Ugh,
that is so last year.
-[knocks on door]
-I told you, it's over!
Good afternoon, Ms. Marcia.
-I'm here to clean your carpet.
-[sighs]
Nope. No more carpet
for this one here.
-[horns honking]
-[engines rumbling]
Oh, it's been
way too long, Marcia.
Yeah, I feel like
I haven't seen her in forever.
-I meant since I saw you.
-Oh, I thought you meant Sarah.
[shakily]
It's been nearly ten hours.
I think I've created a monster.
Look, I am really happy for you,
but I'm feeling
kind of abandoned here.
You're so into Sarah 24/7
that you never wanna hang
with me anymore.
And when you don't hang
with me, then...
neither do the ladies.
[light dance music playing]
[sighs]
Anyway, being
this focused on your wife
isn't exactly healthy.
But I'm so in love!
And this is how our marriage
is supposed to be.
Or at least it should be,
if Sarah seemed to love me
-just as much as I do her.
-I'm sure she's just busy.
People need to have other things
in their lives, you know,
friends and such. Hi, Allen.
-Me, you.
-You're right.
Why don't you come over
for dinner with us Friday night?
-It's a date?
-Uh, not really a date.
Not for me,
but yeah, sure. Why not?
-Got any of that Bondo left?
-Of course, I always
have it with me.
It's my work baby. [chuckles]
Great. I want you
to inject Sarah with it.
[whispers] What? No.
What-- are you-- are you--
I'm not going to inject Sarah!
I was already out of bounds
injecting you.
But at least
that was your choice.
So you're gonna force me to--
No, no. Listen,
I am-- am-- I live in terror
of Safety Officer Nancy.
-No.
-Oh, come on, man, do it for me!
-No! No! No--
-Then do it for Sarah.
-Well, do it for lov--
-No, that's not
gonna work this time.
No, it is unethical.
Uh-- You and your ethics.
Look, okay, I know
how I can make this work.
-I'll pretend to be drunk.
-Oh, and you'll pretend
to be drunk?
-I'm a method actor.
-No, listen, just because
the injection worked on you
does not mean
it's gonna work on Sarah!
Drugs affect people differently.
Uh, Viagra works great
for some men,
but gives others
four hour erections,
followed by really awkward
hospital visits.
-The answer is no.
-[crying] Please, please,
-please, please...
-No, no, Marcia,
don't even try that.
-[indistinct mumbling]
-The answer is no. The answer--
the answer is no!
[gentle music playing]
[moaning]
Mm! Gosh!
[slurred speech]
This tastes so good.
[chuckles] Baby,
I love you so much.
-I love you!
-[Marcia] Baby, baby,
why don't we have babies?
I-- I want babies.
-[chuckles]
-Marcia... [chuckles] you know
I'm not really in a place
in my career where I feel
financially stable enough
to start having babies.
My mother always said,
"You have babies too soon,
you derail your career,
and that leads
straight to homelessness."
-And I say, "No, thank you."
-[blows raspberries]
Homeless, shlomeless.
[laughs] What a joke.
Your mom's not the boss of you.
-Uh--
-Well... [laughs] a little bit.
[laughs] Even though
her boss and her mom
are both bitches.
-[laughs]
-My mom is stern,
but she gets it.
So, yeah. Um,
I think you've had enough
to drink right now.
Baby, I can never
get enough of you.
-[laughs]
-Okay.
-Sweetie--
-Well, that's my cue to go.
Oh. Uh, oh. Uh,
I'll get your bag.
Sarah, dinner was great,
as always.
-Uh, thank you.
-Oh, I'm glad you came.
You know, I spent
only $9 on all the ingredients.
-Wow! Last time was 11,
now nine? You're getting better.
-Mm-hmm. I know.
I know,
I'm trying to get it down.
If I can get it down to five--
-Let's do it again.
Thank you so much.
-I'd love that. Thank you.
-Oh, my pleasure. Oh!
-Uh! Uh, thank you, Sarah.
-You're welcome, Allen.
-[mouthing] No, we'll
definitely do it again.
-Okay. I hope so.
-And... [mouthing]
...and, uh,
thank you for dinner.
-It was absolutely, absolut--
-[Sarah] I--
It's amazing! [grunts]
-[thudding]
-Oh! Ow! Oh.
-Oh-- No, no! No, no, no,
too much touching.
-Ow!
-Too much-- [grunts]
-Ow!
-[softly] Shit--
-[grunts]
-[Allen] Sarah, I'm so sorry.
-[grunts]
-[grunts] You okay?
-Oh! Oh, help me up!
All right, you're gonna be-- Oh!
-Uh...
-No--
Oh, it's like
something pricked me.
[heavenly chiming]
[echoing] Are you okay?
-[chuckling] Oh!
-Oh, no.
Marcia knocked herself out.
Oh, that's okay.
She was gonna pass out anyway.
Why don't we
just let her sleep it off?
[echoing] But she...
she really loves you.
I know. Sometimes it kind of
feels like it's too much d--
-Is there
such a thing? [chuckles]
-I don't know,
you tell me, Mr. Science.
-[laughter]
-[laughing] You're funny.
Yeah, well--
Speaking of science,
there's a, a-- a super wolf
blood moon tonight,
-and I'm going
to go see it right now.
-What?
I don't know what that means,
but it sounds amazing.
-I'll go with you.
Let's go look at it--
-No. You know,
I'm-- I'm gonna help you
put Marcia to bed.
Just leave you guys alone.
Do your own--
No! I wanna see
a super wolf blood moon.
[howling and laughing]
I'm just gonna go.
Think of-- No, no.
Think of sweet Marcia.
-Sweet, innocent Marcia.
-No, no, no. Marcia--
No-- [laughs]
[Allen]
Lovely, lovely Marcia.
S-- Sarah!
-[indistinct mumbling]
-Oh, oh, there, there! See?
-See? There it is. Wow.
-Wher--
-It's in the umbral phase now.
-Ooh-- Umbral.
No-- and, oh,
the stars are so bright.
Oh, look, look!
Oh, the big dipper!
-Ooh, the Big Dipper!
Come here. Come here, baby.
-No-- Stop!
-Come here.
-Sarah. No!
-No.
-Don't you remember
the very first time we met?
I mean, you were trying
to see a star shower,
and I felt so attracted to you.
-I felt this, like,
deep connection with you.
-No, no, no. You--
You and Marcia
have a deeper connection.
No. Now I feel smothered.
No, I am feeling
a little smothered myself.
-Sarah. Oh, I have--
I have a thing I have to do.
-[mumbles] Yeah?
-I got a thing too.
-No, no, no, not this,
-not this, Sarah. Not-- Sarah!
-[indistinct mumbling]
Okay, so, last I remember,
uh, we were having dinner.
I stole your needle
and tried to inject Sarah.
And that's it.
You must have stopped me, huh?
Oh, um, no, I actually,
she-- she got pricked.
-What?
-No, no, but-- but,
uh... [sharply exhales]
...like I told you, it, uh,
doesn't work for everybody.
-[cell phone ringing]
-Come on, man. Damn.
I'm so sorry I was so drunk.
-Mm. Oh, I left right away!
-I don't remember you leaving.
Right after dinner. Just...
[mimics beep] got out of there
in a very timely fashion.
-Something seems
different about you.
-What?
-Did you get laid or something?
-[laughing] Oh!
What-- the what--
Why would you say that?
-You act like it's a bad thing.
-Yeah, it would be.
It would b-- it would be
a terrible, terrible thing.
And I wouldn't do
a terrible thing to--
-to a friend. Huh?
-[cell phone ringing]
-Who keeps calling you?
-You know, it's a spam, likely.
Uh-- bye-bye. Okay. I, uh,
have this very important
work thing I gotta go do.
-Uh, with the rodents?
-Yes. [laughs]
Technically, I got this, uh,
meeting at a field lab
this afternoon,
and I'm going to study them
in their natural environment.
[laughs] So excited!
Rodents! Love my rodents.
And love my friend.
Bye.
Why are we still friends?
[birds chirping]
-Hey, are you okay?
-Yes!
No. Maybe.
That was clear.
-[chuckles]
-[chuckles] Um,
well, if y-- if you need someone
to talk to, then maybe, um--
Uh-- how's your research coming?
Well, uh...
...Marcia's wife,
Sarah, got exposed,
and it triggered
some latent feelings.
And now, she's after me.
-That's a lot.
-Yeah.
God, you're right.
Sometimes being in love
is not a great thing.
Yeah, almost never. [chuckles]
I had a girlfriend once, who...
...cheated on me.
-Mm.
-God, I still loved her,
even though I,
I hated what she did.
So, maybe you're right
to be developing
a hormone regulator.
Maybe I could've benefited
from that at the time.
I guess we're not
so different, you and I.
[chuckling]
Are you quoting from a movie?
Like, 417 different movies.
Yeah, I thought that sounded
familiar. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
So, um...
...could you maybe
help rebalance Sarah,
stop her fixation with me?
[light ominous music]
Y-- you want me to risk
my career with human testing?
No, I'm-- I'm sorry, Allen,
I-- I, I can't do that.
Yeah. Sure. Yeah.
Human testing?
Sad face.
-[engines rumbling]
-[horns honking]
-[Sarah] Oh-- [yells]
-[shouting] Take my money!
What-- Sarah,
what are you doing here?
-'Cause I ran here.
-You ran ten miles?
Yes! But Allen,
when you're in love,
ten miles only feels
like eight or nine miles.
Allen, I have feelings for you.
I'd divorce Marcia today
if it made financial sense,
which it doesn't.
-Mm-mm. Mm?
-But guess what?
I think I'm in love with you.
-No!
-I don't really understand
why I love you,
because it feels very sudden,
but it's very true.
-[cell phone ringing]
-I love you, I do.
Oh, this-- this is Marcia.
-[loudly gasps]
-Yeah. S-- Sarah,
you need to go home.
-And we, we will figure
this out, okay?
-Okay.
-Together? Mm-hmm.
-Okay.
[chuckling] H-- hi, Marcia!
-[Marcia] Bro, Sarah went
on a run this morning...
-Mm?
-...and hasn't come home yet.
-Oh, yeah.
I mean, she's been
really stressed out at work,
so I'm sure she just went
on an extra-long run
-to blow off some steam.
-Yeah, maybe.
-Hey, you were really weird
at lunch the other day.
-Uh-huh.
[chuckles]
I'm a science nerd. We're weird.
I mean, extra weird.
Not just science weird,
Scientology weird--
-[yells]
-God damn! What was that?
Nothing. I was just horrified
at being compared
to a scientologist.
Oh, dude,
that was mega overreaction.
[light whimsical music]
-[squealing]
-Uh, what the hell was that?
Nothing. Just, uh...
[whispers] appropriate
volume level reaction
to the Scientology thing.
-Uh, anyway, I feel
like Sarah's been distant.
-[zipper hissing]
-That injection clearly
had no effect.
-[shouts] Yeah. No--
-None at all!
-No, I know I used to be
that way with her,
but it, it feels really shitty.
-Oh.
-Marcia. I, uh, gotta go.
Gotta, uh, eat something.
-Well, actually, maybe--
-[gasps] I want you more
-than I wanted you
last time I saw you.
-No. No, no, no.
The more you see me,
the more oxytocin
your body releases,
making you more attached to me,
which is why you need
to not see me!
Oh, God, I love when you reduce
my psyche to biochemistry.
-[gasps and mumbles]
-No, no. Wa-- S--
[panting] Oh!
[laughs]
-Ha! [grunts]
-[Sarah shouts]
-No, no, no, no--
-[Sarah shouts]
-[panting]
-[Sarah indistinctly mumbles]
I can wait out here all day!
Good, 'cause I'm not
letting you in.
Oh, God. No,
but you gotta go home
or Marcia would know
something is up.
Fine! I'll go home!
[deeply sighs]
[cell phone ringing]
Marcia, how's it going?
Sorry, I was, uh, abrupt before.
Yeah, you hung up on me
before I could tell you
that I'm almost at your place.
[light whimsical music]
Now is not a good time, Marcia.
You're never busy.
You wanted to go to lunch.
-Uh, see you in a second.
-Wha-- [whimpers]
Perfect! We can tell her
that we're in love!
No, not a thing! Oxytocin.
Plus, if she found out,
she would literally murder me!
Have you seen her biceps?
Now, just go to my room!
[gasps] I thought
you'd never ask.
Stay in there
until I can get rid of Marcia!
[heavily breathing]
[softly] Okay.
[doorbell ringing]
[mumbles] Whatever.
Marcia! Marshy, Marsh.
Marshy! Marshmallow.
Good to see you,
everything good?
Everything good.
Everything good with me.
Everything good with you?
Nah, man,
I've been feeling down.
Sarah is never
really around anymore.
Yeah, I mean, just-- I wouldn't
know anything about that.
-What?
-Mm? I said I wouldn't know.
-I-- I don't know where she is.
-Uh, you said you thought
-she was still running.
-Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!
She's just
probably on a long run.
[panting]
Lots of stamina, that one.
You know, really
Forrest Gumping it out there.
-Yeah, right?
-You know, maybe
I deserve all this
-from her, you know. I thought
of all the times I've cheated--
-[coughing loudly]
You okay?
-[mumbles]
-I was just saying
that, you know,
maybe this is some type
of cosmic payback
-for all the times I cheated--
-[coughs]
Hey, are you sure
you're all right?
I feel it's--
let's go get some food, huh?
-You know, I'm so hungry--
-Uh--
All right, well, uh,
let me just take a quick piss--
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I need to eat now.
You know,
the gastritis is acting up.
You can pee at the restaurant.
It's way cleaner there.
-Smells fresher,
you know, right?
-So silly, man.
-I'll be real quick.
-[sharply inhales]
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no-- [coughs]
Oh, man. I'm gonna--
I'm gonna get you
some cough medicine
while I'm in there, all right?
Oh, wait, wait, wait-- [mumbles]
Dude! Rose petals?
-Mm-hmm.
-For who?
-For myself.
-What?
Why? Why would you do that?
I'm romantic. And today
I am on a date with myself.
-Mm. Spirituality.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-What the--
is that Janelle stuff?
-[chuckling] Yeah.
-This is, uh--
-Yeah. See? It's not all sexy.
Some of it i-- uh,
you know, she promised
that she'd take most of it
when she moves
to a bigger place.
[scoffs] Yeah, well,
what else she got?
-I don't know-- [mumbles]
-Maybe I can tak--
Oh, nothing. Nothi--
nothing's in there that--
-you know what-- [mumbles]
-...see, let's see in there.
[Marcia laughs]
I know what she
already has of yours.
-Wha-- [laughs]
-Your balls! [laughs]
-[Sarah coughs]
-[coughs]
-[Marcia] That sounds
really bad, bro.
-It's fine. It's a thing,
-you know, when I'm hungry,
it's a thing--
-[Sarah coughs]
Did you just cough and talk
at the same time?
-[softly] Yes. Yes, I did.
-[Marcia] I didn't even know
that was possible.
Oh, it is, it is. I'm
a scientist, so I would know!
[light romantic music]
-[quietly] Hi, baby. Yes--
-[whispering] No!
Please, you gotta--
She's gonna kill me
if she finds-- [mumbles]
Please stay. Please! No! Sarah!
-Honey, I'm gonna fuck
your fucking brains out.
-[indistinct mumbling]
-[toilet flushes]
-[Allen whispers] Stay, please!
[panting]
-[indistinct mumbles]
-[gasps and whispers] No! Stay!
Stay in there, please,
I'll do anything--
-Allen. Ooh!
-Yeah. Yeah!
-That felt amazing. Yeah.
-It sounded amazing too.
-It felt pretty loose.
-There-- you're ready to eat!
-Let's go eat. Let's go eat.
-Yeah!
[birds chirping]
[Jim]
Hey, oh
Hey, hey! There's
my favorite neurobiologist.
-Oh, Jim. Hi. Good. Uh, I--
I wanted to talk to you...
-Whoa!
-...about my--
-Oh, Allen!
-You're also here.
-[needle pierces]
-[Allen] Yea--
-[heavenly chiming]
Allen.
Your shirt...
[light whimsical music]
...is so soft.
And I bet
your research is compelling.
Uh, okay. Thanks.
You know, you and I have never
socialized outside of work.
No. And it's time
we change that.
We should do
some fun bonding activity.
Did anybody say
aerial adventures?
No, nobody said that.
And I'm a little bit
afraid of heights.
-Just a little bit, just-- but--
-Oh, great. Saturday it is.
Saturday!
Fun!
Oh, Allen, you're a special,
special guy!
Oh, Jim, um, uh-- we--
we've never socialized
outside of work.
-Yeah.
-[Lisa] Do you want
to do something?
What?
-That was odd.
-Yeah. Shit.
I'm terrified of heights.
More terrified than you are
of Safety Officer Nancy?
-Tough call.
-[sighing]
Speaking of our illicit
escapades, there's, uh,
there's something else
I need to ask you.
Let me guess.
You want me to risk my career
using my experimental drug
to save your friend?
-I already said no, Allen.
-Look, look, look,
Sarah is having
a bad reaction to the Bondo.
She's fixated on me.
She's a danger
to herself and to others.
I need your help, please!
You're the only one that can.
-So it's really working?
-Yeah. She showed up
at my house yesterday,
and there was this whole thing
with the rose petals.
Anyway, look,
if you administer the Lixi,
it should rebalance
her hormones.
-[loud whooshing]
-[gasping]
[Lisa]
Safety Officer Nancy!
What are you doing
all the way out here? [chuckles]
Where there's science,
there's Safety Officer Nancy.
-Mm.
-And I'll ask the questions.
-[coughs]
-There was an incident
at the lab last weekend...
-Mm!
-...by your work stations.
-Know anything about it?
-No.
No, we don't go near incidents.
-No, I--
-I mean, I, I, I don't go near--
-I stay away from incidents.
-I can't speak for Lisa,
she's a grown woman.
-She-- I mean, but-- uh, maybe
she might go near incidents...
-No incidents here.
-No. No, no, I no--
-...but she probably
doesn't go near--
-But we'll keep our ears open.
-Yes!
-[Nancy] Oh, good!
No one likes closed ears.
-Mm.
-Mm.
-So...
-...what's going on here?
-Nothing. Nothing.
Just, uh, science
and talking about, uh, voles.
-Don't lie to me.
-Science stuff.
Everything here is up to spec.
You don't have to worry.
Oh. I wasn't...
worried about you, Lisa.
You never break the rules.
You're too afraid
to even take off your bio suit.
-[chuckles]
-[laughs]
[grunts]
Ooh, ooh, girl!
I'm gonna love you so good!
Ooh, girl, I'm gonna
love you like I should!
Ooh, girl
this is a song for you!
Ooh, girl! Can't wait to see
That sexy thong on you!
-Hey, honey hamster.
-Hey!
You know, since you've
been working really late,
I just decided to make you
your favorite dinner,
uh, followed by a romantic
bubble bath! [chuckles]
-Thank you. Um--
-Yeah.
I have a work thing.
And, um, that's
a lot of touching.
-Oh, sorry. Yeah.
-It's all right.
Y-- you know, it's crazy,
I, I checked your calendar,
-and I didn't see anything.
-Because it just came up.
-It's very last minute. Uh,
it's dinner with the top brass.
-Oh.
-Mm.
-So I should probably
go get changed
into something
big brassy, you know?
[chuckles] But you should have--
you should eat!
Have that romantic bubble bath.
And, um, you know,
my mom always said,
"Be your own best lover."
You've-- you've ea--
-you've earned it.
-Yeah.
I guess I-- I guess I did.
[sighs]
[melancholic music]
I don't even like salad.
[thunder rumbling]
[rain splattering]
-[softly] Hi.
-Sarah!
-[laughs]
-But how did--
how did you get here?
Uh, my car. It's pretty standard
form of transportati--
No, I mean. How,
how did you find out where--
Look, listen, these feelings
you have aren't real.
Mm, I mean,
I've just always wanted
to do it in a field station.
-So-- [chuckles]
-Wait. You have? Why?
Uh, no, actually,
I-- I guess not.
You know, but now that I'm here,
so... Come here, sugar butt.
I-- I'm not your sugar butt.
Marcia is.
Ugh. Marcia should've thought
about that before
she cheated on me.
-You know about that?
-Oh, I knew it!
-And you just proved me right.
-Oh! No, no, I didn't mean to--
-Marcia, she loves you,
and I, I didn't-- sh--
-It's fine! I'm fine,
because, you know, I've kind of
always wanted to open things up.
No, no, no. Listen,
you were injected
with my drug Bondo
the night
I came over at your house.
It's a mixture of chemicals
-that includes oxytocin
and vasopressin.
-Mm-hmm.
G-- No, no, no, no, no.
Look, Marcia tried to stab you,
and I tried to stop her,
but we all fell
at the same time,
and because you were touching me
at the time, you fell for me
instead of for her!
Okay? It's not love!
It's chemicals.
And okay, you must have had
some latent feelings for me,
-but it's not--
-You know, I know
what I feel. You.
No, Sarah. Sarah,
no, Sarah, please.
-No, Sarah, think of Marcia.
Marcia! Think of Marcia.
-[sighs]
-[Allen] Sarah, please.
No, no, no, no, no!
-[Sarah] Oh, I'll think--
-[Allen] Please! Don't! Please!
-[grunts]
[Allen]
Sarah. Sarah, Sarah,
please, think of Marcia.
-Sa-- Sarah. Sarah, please!
-[yelling]
-Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
-[thudding]
-[glass shattering]
-[Lisa gasps]
[whimpers] Oh!
[whimpering and panting]
[heavenly chiming]
-[Nancy] Freeze!
-Uh--
-[Lisa gasps]
-[Allen] Ho--
How did you get in my computer?
I have my ways.
What the hell is going on there?
N-- no-- nothing. Just a m--
um, a minor accident.
Oh. Then why all the screaming?
Lisa, you sound like
an armadillo in heat.
No! No, I'm just OCD.
I'm just very, very OCD.
And just-- we just--
um, there was just
a little bit of, um... goop.
-Sorry.
-You know the drill.
Accident in the lab,
hit the showers.
Don't make me jump
through this computer.
[Allen]
Wait, you can do that?
-N-- ne-- never mind.
-[stutters] No, um, technically,
we're at a field station,
so it's not--
But okay. Um, yeah. Right.
-Yeah, okay, so--
-Okay, uh, so you,
you can have first shower.
Uh--
[thunder rumbling]
[distant howling]
[soft clattering]
[birds chirping]
Hey.
[heavenly chiming]
[sighs]
Uh...
...you tried to use Lixi
to help me last night.
-But instead, I got hit with it.
-Yes.
-Wh-- why did you do that?
-I don't know,
I, I just saw
how crazed she was.
And then Nancy told me
that I would never break
a rule. And just...
-[heavenly chiming]
-[echoing] something
just came over me.
-Me too.
-Well, maybe
that scared her off.
-Sarah.
-[chuckling] Yeah, maybe.
[cell phone ringing] Love
Love is all that I want
[sighs] Speaking of who?
-[Lisa] Mm. [grunts]
-I'm gonna--
[cell phone ringing]
It's the meaning of life
Love, gotta get me a wife
Sarah, you can't come
to my workplace.
[Sarah]
I got attacked by a ninja.
Are you okay?
She's not a ninja. She's my...
-...coworker.
-What? Then
what the hell was she doing
attacking us with a needle
and wearing that outfit?
She was trying to inject you--
You know what?
It's confidential.
And the bio suit. Well,
she's kind of a germaphobe.
-Why was she trying
to inject me?
-I asked her to
because I thought
it might help you get over me
and fall back in love
with Marcia.
-Never.
-You're forgetting
all the things
you love about Marcia!
She takes care of you
when you're sick.
She always tries to put
the thermometer in my butt.
[softly] Ugh.
[in normal voice] But it's
a more accurate reading.
[birds chirping]
Here, let me help you with that.
-Oh, I-- I'm so sorry, I--
-No, no, it's okay.
Here. [chuckles]
No! No, no, no! Don't touch
the dirt. It's dirty.
-Yeah, we're in a field.
-I know!
[cell phone chimes]
Hmm? Jim just texted.
That's weird.
That's never happened before.
-What did he say?
-"Thinking of you."
Oh, that is weird.
Maybe it's a wrong number.
Yeah. For sure.
"This is Allen.
Wrong number. Sorry."
-[chuckles]
-[cell phone chimes]
Oh! "Thinking of you
and your work
in the field today."
Well, that makes sense, I guess.
Technically he knows
we're in the field,
and so, he'd be thinking of us
-doing our studies?
-Yeah, but "Thinking of you"
sounds way too romantic.
I mean, and, and, and,
and where's my text?
[laughs] You're jealous!
-Oh, you want a romantic text
from Jim too?
-I'm not jealous!
Why would I be jealous
of being "me too'd" by my boss?
And, and--
and why are you in my face?
Oh. Um. Sorry. Uh, uh--
[gentle music]
N-- no, it's okay.
I mean, I-- [laughs]
I mean, if,
if you wanna be in my face,
-that's fine.
-[cell phone chimes]
Okay. He just sent
a mouse emoji?
Well, I mean, I think that,
that kind of does make sense
'cause I don't think there's
a vole specific emoji.
Yeah, but for my boss
to be sending me emojis,
-does that make sense?
-[sighs]
I mean, at least it's not a gif.
-[scoffs] Yeah. Ooh, vole!
-[shouts]
-[soft squeaking]
-[Allen] Oh, my--
-Ow!
-Lisa! I am so sorry.
-Are you, are you okay?
-[groaning] I'm fine.
-Oh, geez. I'm really sorry.
-I'm fine.
-I keep putting you in danger.
-[sighs] I mean, it's okay. I--
I mean, with germs everywhere,
I'm always in danger anyway.
[sharply inhales]
Maybe I could, uh,
make it up to you.
Maybe we could grab dinner
or even just lunch.
Coffee could be an option.
-Uh--
-What's that?
-[gasping and shouting]
-[shouts] Geez. Oh!
-Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.
-[groaning]
No, Lisa, I'm, I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry. [gasps]
Uh, Na-- Nancy. What,
uh, what are you doing here?
That's Safety
Officer Nancy to you.
Gotta confirm
that everything's up to spec.
Just the normal usual stuff.
Not harboring
any suspicions about you.
[whimsical music]
-[whispers] What suspicion?
-I don't understand.
[soft squeaking]
Are those
your precious voles, Allen?
-Uh-huh.
-They look like tasty
little critters.
-Oka--
-Mm. Make good tapas.
You can't e-- ea-- eat--
I'm not gonna eat
your stupid rodents!
I'm just saying,
they look tasty.
Look.
That's all.
[whooshing]
[panting]
[Allen]
Did--
Did, did she just vanish?
-[Lisa] She was in camouflage.
-Wha--
[cell phone chimes]
Okay. Just got this from Jim.
-Oh. Oh, he likes you.
-Mm-hmm.
Why is it bulging like that?
-[soft buzzing]
-[horns honking]
Whew,
that is not what I imagined
when you said
we'd go to a toy shop.
They make orifices
look so real these days.
You know, I think
I'm doing something wrong.
-I need to spice things up.
-Yeah.
Uh... [chuckles]
uh, subject change.
I, uh, have some news.
I got a date!
-Get the fuck out of here!
-[shouts] Ow!
-With who?
-My colleague, Lisa.
The one you're competing with
for your job?
-[laughing] Yes.
-Hot.
No, confusing.
'Cause see, I don't know
if I'm really into her
or if it's because I,
I accidentally got
myself injected
while I was
in physical contact with her.
How did that happen?
Uh, it's, uh, it's a long story.
-As long as this.
-Oh, stop it!
Look... [sighs]
I don't think you're gonna win
Sarah's affection
over with sex toys.
Damn it. You're right.
I need to make a grand gesture.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
-Very unlikely.
-Custom art!
-[laughs]
-Yeah. See? There it is.
[cutlery clinking]
[chuckles]
[soft piano music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[softly chuckles]
I am really sorry
that you can't eat
anything here.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I-- I just don't eat anywhere
where anyone else
prepared the food.
-[chuckles]
-So, not in restaurants?
Yeah, exactly. [laughs]
Um, but enough about me.
I heard that you...
...play air guitar.
Well, um, I don't
usually tell people about this,
but, yeah, I do. Really well.
Well, then,
why don't you tell people?
In this country,
great air guitar isn't afforded
the same level of respect
as it is elsewhere.
So you're saying
that other countries
respect air guitar?
[chuckles] Well,
one country, um...
-...Finland.
-Well...
...I think that you should share
your talents with the world.
Or at least with me.
-[engines rumbling]
-[horns honking]
[laughter]
Well, thanks again
for walking me home.
I-- I mean,
even though I've never
really been attacked
around here,
-only at the field station.
-Oh, gosh.
Again, I'm so sorry about that.
Sarah has
a really big thing for you.
-I can see why.
-Yeah, because
I injected her with Bondo.
-[chuckles]
-Although I haven't
seen her since that night,
so maybe it's worn off,
thank God.
That's great, but that's not
really what I meant. Um...
...I had
a really nice time tonight.
Oh.
Me too.
[chuckles]
-[shouting] Oh!
What are you doing?
-Oh.
I'm so sorry, I-- I thought
you wanted me to, uh...
-...kiss, kiss you.
-Oh. Oh, I-- I do,
but, uh-- oh, I'm so sorry.
I just don't feel comfortable
-with physical affection
in public.
-Oh, okay.
Or private.
Uh, but, but how do you, uh--
-[gasps]
-Not that it's
any of my business.
-So at all, really?
-But--
[romantic music]
[sharply inhales]
[smacks]
[soft chuckling]
[moaning]
[shakily exhales]
-Yeah.
-[chuckles]
-[Sarah] What?
-Hi, my little Wonder Woman.
I got something for you.
-Huh?
-Oh, my God. Wow. Wow
Is that-- are you worshiping me?
Oh, come on, baby,
you know art imitates life.
Okay, well,
I guess it's the thought
that counts. [chuckles]
I told you
not to buy art without me.
[shouting]
[panting]
Oh, I'm so glad we could
do this together, Allen.
Allen! Allen!
-Tell me about Allen.
Your likes, your loves...
-Mm.
-...your passions!
-My, my, my, my passions?
Yeah. What makes you tick?
-Base jumping, spelunking.
-Uh--
-Oh-- Uh--
-What is it? Archery?
-It's, uh, I play--
I play, uh, air guitar.
-Huh?
[laughter]
I didn't realize
you can be so hysterical!
Actually, I, uh, I'm,
I'm kind of serious.
-Huh? Man, oh, God. Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.
-That's amazing.
-[softly] Thank you.
-My man, my man. [laughs]
-Yeah, yeah. Wha--
-What exactly-- what exactly
is happening right now?
-Okay.
-Are you ready for-- come on.
-Oh! Oh, okay!
-Mini bungee jumping.
-Uh-huh!
-What? That--
Wait. No, that seems...
-Yeah! Hey!
-...way too short of a distance.
-That's what makes it
so thrilling.
Full-length bungee is so pass.
-Wh-- Uh--
-And you know, I get the feeling
that you'll be the one
who'll be keeping his job!
Yeah! The only way
I change my mind
is if you do something--
I don't know,
-uh, illegal, like, rogue human
experiments, you know?
-[gasps]
-[yelling]
-[thud]
-[laughing] Man!
-[groaning] Oh, my neck!
[rock music playing]
Whoo!
Whoo!
[yells and laughs]
[laughter continues]
[cheering and clapping]
That was amazing, Allen, you--
You gotta share
this talent with the world!
Ah, I do. Every summer in Oulu.
-No, I mean
the non-Finnish world.
-No. They'd make fun of me,
and, uh, I've dealt
with enough of that as a kid.
[deeply inhales and sighs]
You know,
I can't help but notice
there are a ton
of boxes in your--
Yeah. And, uh, the sex swing,
that's, that's new. Uh,
they all belong to someone else.
Uh, we broke up a long time ago.
I mean, she broke up with me.
I never agreed to it,
but still, the end result is,
uh, still, still,
still the same.
-[chuckles]
-Hmm. Well, you know,
I'm sure that she doesn't have
all of your stuff
in her home, but--
No.
[clicks tongue] That's okay.
Come here, rock star.
-[laughing] Oh.
-Mm.
[moaning]
Uh--
Jim said that your adventure day
went really well.
-Do you really need this?
-It was more
for the involuntary
spasms after.
-[Lisa laughs] Oh!
-[softly] Yeah.
I should tell you something
that Jim said.
See, maybe
if we both talk to him,
-then we can kind of
figure out how to be--
-[shushes]
-No, I'm just saying b--
He had brought up--
-[mumbles] Mm, mm, mm.
I-- Mm?
Now is kissing time.
Hmm?
[chuckles]
[moaning]
-[moans] No-- no, no. No,
I'm, I'm s-- I'm sorry.
-[sighs]
-I just can't.
-[sighs] Were you
always like this?
I mean,
I've always been pretty OCD,
but I guess
I just wasn't attuned
to how many germs
were in the world
until I became a biochemist.
I mean, using a microscope,
I just became aware
of a whole new world.
You know, a filthy,
disgusting world.
Look, I-- I'm sorry.
It's, it's hard for me too.
I wanna get frisky, you know?
I wanna do the mambo jambo,
but I just-- I,
I just know myself.
I would just freak out
before I even took my pants off.
You know what?
Maybe I could give you
a hand job.
-Oh!
-[sharply inhales]
[sharply blowing]
-Oh.
-This should be really good.
I can't, can't wait.
Man, I'm just really happy
you finally found yourself
a woman.
Yeah. It's been five years,
three months
and six days since my last.
-Wow. Janelle's been
that long ago?
-Well, she left earlier,
but remember, she said I could
still call her my girlfriend
for two more months
as a sort of adjustment period.
-Yeah, that was really weird.
-Uh-huh.
[Marcia]
You know, bro, I really need
to get back home to Sarah.
I haven't seen her since she got
in late and left early.
-Mm.
-That was two days ago.
[Allen]
Oh.
[whimsical music]
-Let's just turn around.
-No! No! No, I mean, come on.
Huh? I never get to hang around
with my buddy anymore
and need to do so much more
exercise and hanging out.
-[Marcia]
Mm, this is weird, man.
-[mouthing]
Yeah, j-- let's just
keep walking. Listen--
-It's hot, man.
-Listen, yeah, I'm sorry,
I just-- I f--
I wanted to hug you,
I haven't seen you forever.
-Let's just keep walking.
-Yeah, but I,
I really wanna get back there.
Like, maybe she's home,
you know? Hopefully.
No, no, no! I mean, just--
uh, let her miss you
a little bit!
Give her some space!
Just, uh, find yourself
another activity to do, right?
-[Marcia] Like a hobby?
-[Allen] Yeah. Yeah,
-a hobby is good. Uh-huh.
-I had one.
-Having sex with other women.
-No, I mean, something else.
I mean, something like, uh--
oh, scrapbooking is fun.
-Bro, that's--
-No, no, no! But exercise!
Huh? Exercise is fun!
Come on, let's run a little bit.
-Now you're just breaking out
into spontaneous runs?
-Yeah, I need the exercise!
I need the workout, you know?
Come on. Let's--
let's go a little faster!
-A little faster! Come on,
Marcia. Oh, Come on, Marcia!
-[Marcia] All right.
A little faster!
I need to work out,
Marcia! Marcia, I n--
-faster! Go, Marcia! I--
-[Marcia] Are you sure?
All right!
-I'm going!
-[Allen shouts] I--
I ate so much food, Marcia!
[thunder rumbling]
What the fuck? What the hell
is-- what-- [yells]
Oh! No, no,
it's not what it looks like.
-Oh, thank goodness, I guess.
-See, the chicken mom left,
so I'm just keeping her eggs
warm until she gets back.
-Th--
-[man] 'Cause chickens
do not like the rain.
There're chickens in this park?
-How do you know
she's coming back?
-Oh, oh, she told me.
It was a talking chicken.
Hey, uh, if you see her,
can you let her know
that I got her babies covered?
[rain splattering]
Covered. [laughs]
That works on two levels!
Maybe I should
have been a writer.
Nah. Nah, I made
the right career choice.
-Career?
-Oh, yeah. Don't ever
let anyone tell you
that you can't have
a career and raise
little chickadees too.
What abo--
What the hell am I doing?
What am I doing here?
Wha-- what the hell
is wrong with me? I--
I need to make a change.
I need, I need to do
something different.
-Uh, are you talking to me?
-No, I'm talking to--
-I'm talking to myself.
-Oh, not a good look, man.
You sound like a crazy person.
I gotta get out of here.
I, I gotta go do those drugs
-that Allen was talking about.
-Oh, yeah, I like drugs too.
Oh. Oh, wher--
where are you going?
I-- I thought
we were gonna do drugs!
Hey, you guys got
any meth? Guys?
Oh, you're right.
I probably did enough already.
When I made Marcia want
to only be with Sarah,
I thought I'd finally succeeded
at one of my projects.
That I had actually made
an impact in my field.
And saved
my best friend's marriage.
But instead,
the marriage is ruined.
[sighing]
And even though I've achieved
something scientifically,
nobody can know
about it in any way.
[deeply sighs]
[gentle music]
Hey.
Hey! You made a huge discovery.
Just like Salk did
with the polio vaccine.
He injected himself
and his entire family
just to be validated.
-[chuckles]
-He risked everything.
Like you did too.
Great science overcomes.
[gasps] Just a second.
[chuckles]
[moans]
-[sighs] What's wrong now?
-It's just-- [softly grunts]
This isn't working
very well for me.
I mean, physically...
[deeply inhales and exhales]
it's frustrating.
Well, but I've tried everything.
I mean, other than kissing you
without my mask
and taking my clothes off.
What's the worst
that could happen?
I would freak out
an-- and, and maybe
be eaten alive by tiny,
filthy organisms.
[softly] Can you at least try?
[deeply exhales]
Okay.
[yells] I'm so sorry.
Gosh, it's instinct.
[panting, mumbling]
Full facial nudity.
[softly chuckles]
Let's try again.
[deeply sighs]
[music continues]
Oh, man.
It's basically
like I'm in a porno. [chuckles]
Lou.
-I need to talk to you.
-I can't talk now, I'm busy.
No, right now. I quit.
-Okay. Maybe later.
-No, no.
I-- I quit today.
I'm quitting this job.
I've been obsessed
with this job.
It's ruining my life.
I-- I'm neglecting my wife.
I fell in love
with somebody else!
No. No more bad decisions.
I quit,
and I'm going to buy drugs.
-Sure. Maybe tomorrow morning?
-[video game chiming on TV]
Okay. Okay.
[deeply inhales]
Allen said you guys
are gonna make me fall
back in love with Marcia
Well, why try to inject me
with something
if you can just give me a pill?
Ooh. That's good.
Let's see. [deeply exhales]
[deeply inhales and exhales]
You've got a good butt.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
Why isn't this working?
I don't mean to yell at you.
Uh, what?
Allen said something about
there being another drug
mixed in there.
Yes! It was something
called, uh--
No, no... [shushes]
let me think.
Vasil--
Vasil-- vascular-- vas--
Vasil suppressant. That's--
[shouts] Vaseline?
Yes! I have some of that.
That's a smart thought.
[light electronic music]
Oh, girl. You got it!
You got it, you're so smart.
Oh, God.
I have questions, girl.
I want you to answer them.
One. What the hell?
Two. Why am I
not more in love with Marcia?
I don't feel
more in love with Marcia.
I feel like-- if I had
to tell you the truth,
I feel like
I'm gonna throw up. My God.
[retching]
Oh, God!
[retching] I'm so sorry!
You're better than this.
[whispers indistinctly]
-Mm, mm, mm!
-[Allen] Sarah, you need
to stop calling me.
I can't stop calling
'cause guess what I did?
I succeeded at what
you didn't get to do to me.
I got! I took the OxyContin.
Wh-- You-- you mean oxytocin.
No, I do not, I mean OxyContin.
And I gotta tell you,
it doesn't work.
-What, you took-- you took--
-Science guy.
I don't feel like I'm in love
with Marcia any more
than I was a minute ago.
I feel really sweaty.
I feel really panicky,
-I vomited.
-Oh, you took OxyContin?
-Yeah.
-What? Sarah. Okay.
Don't-- [sighs]
Don't go anywhere.
I-- I'm coming right over!
-For sex? Okay.
-No!
-Take--
-No, no, no. It's good
'cause I look good
-and I'm ready to go.
I'm gonna get into--
-Sarah.
-I'm into something sexy.
Okay, here I am.
-Stay put.
-What are you doing here, Allen?
-We literally
just spoke on the phone.
Uh, why-- why are you so shiny?
You told me to take it,
and I took it. You told me
to take it, and I took it.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I tried to get my girlfriend...
-You told me to take it.
...to inject you with oxytocin.
-Yes.
-Under no circumstances
would I ever recommend
OxyContin.
Yes. That's the same word.
What's the difference?
-No.
-What's the difference?
I don't hear the difference.
What's the difference?
Allen, stop for a second!
-What? What--
-Stay in focus!
-Stop blurring! Come on, man!
-Okay. All right.
No, Sarah, I think you need to--
I, I think you need to lie down.
-Yes, I do.
-Yeah? Let's lie down.
-Let's go. Let's--
-I'm very tired.
-Yeah. Okay. Yeah--
-Come with me.
Hey, is, uh,
is OxyContin all you took?
Because your behavior is not
very consistent with that.
-Okay.
-I took my daily dose
of Adderall.
I took a whole jar of Vaseline
-and an OxyContin.
Olly, Olly, Oxenfree...
-Vaseline.
...and some oxygen,
and, Babe, the Blue OxyContin.
-[laughs] Olly, Olly, Oxenfree.
-Yeah.
OxyContin. Who said it?
-I said.
-Vaseline, Vaseline.
Oh, instead of vasopressin.
But no, the Adderall.
The, the drugs
must have interacted negatively.
-Hey, hey, remember
we were gonna lay down?
-I remember.
Wait, wait. No, Sarah! [groans]
-No! Sarah! Oh! Ow! Oh!
-[moaning]
-[line ringing]
-[Allen grunting]
[Lisa]
Hey, honey!
-No, Sarah!
-Yes!
-Yes! Oh! Yes!
-Hello?
-[shouting] Ow!
-Hello?
-[Allen] Sarah! Sarah! Oh!
-[Sarah shouting]
-[Allen groaning]
-What the hell is going on?
-Sarah! [groaning continues]
-No, no, no, no!
Stop it, stop it!
Oh, my God!
Why would you do this to me?
-...my balls!
-[mockingly laughs]
Oh, so she's playing
-with your balls now, huh?
-[groaning]
-[Sarah] Oh, I feel alive.
-Yeah? Well, good for you, huh?
Good for you.
You know what, Allen?
I don't ever
wanna see you again.
[groaning] Sarah! No-- [shouts]
Though I guess I'm gonna have
to see you every day at work.
-[door bangs]
-[gasping]
-Oh, shit. No!
-Mm. Don't worry.
-[Allen mumbles] ...wha-- she--
-She won't see you.
I'll just give you
my cloak of invisibility.
Oh, my sweet salamander,
I missed yo--
What the hell is going on?
It's-- it's--
it's not what it looks like.
[Sarah panting]
Ignore that voice.
It's in your head.
-Ma--
-Allen. What are you doing
with my wife?
-[panting] I--
-[laughing] No! he's not here.
-I mean, he's invisible.
I mean, there's nobody here.
-Did he drug you?
No, I drugged myself.
Well, technically,
upon his recommendation, so--
-What? W-- wait a minute.
-[chuckles]
Is this-- are you two--
-It's-- I can explain
everything, Marcia.
-[Sarah laughing]
-I can explain everything.
I can explain everything.
-Yeah, I'm gonna kill you.
-No! Marcia!
[indistinctly shouts]
-You are supposed to be
-my best friend
since high school.
-Don't worry, she can't see you!
-How could you do this to me?
-[gasping]
[birds chirping]
Hi, honey.
I tried calling you last night,
-but I couldn't reach you.
-Fuck you.
-Sorry, what?
-You think you can cheat on me
just because I don't fulfill
your physical needs?
What? No! I mean,
an argument could be made, but--
-No.
-You butt dialed me last night
when you fucked that whore!
What whore?
I've never fucked a whore.
-I've hardly fucked anybody.
-Oh, yeah, well,
you can add me to that list.
Wait, what list?
The list of people
I've fucked or haven't fucked?
Because you're already
on the latter list.
But we were making
progress, right?
You broke
my fucking heart last night.
Last night?
But I was with S-- Sarah.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no, that i--
that is not what you think.
Oh, I could hear
your moans of ecstasy.
No, those were cries of pain.
Don't you know the difference?
-I've never heard
your sex sounds!
-Yeah, exactly!
Fuck you,
you lying fucking-- Fuck.
This is a-- No, you have
to believe me, she was drugged!
She was drugged?
I am going to tell Jim
you injected a human
-with a non-FDA
approved substance.
-[whispers] No, that's--
-you, you, you were in on it.
-[loudly] You coerced me
to help you with a friend
whom you endangered.
But, you know,
I could get fired over this.
I-- I could go to prison.
Exactly.
Lisa.
[gasps] Shit.
Fucking shit. Fucking,
fucking shi-- fucking fuck!
[melancholic music]
I'm a solo drinker
I'm a solo drinker
I'm a solo drinker
'cause I'm a sad, sad man
Yeah, I'm a sad, sad man
-[retching and vomiting]
-That's all I am
-[coughing]
-I'm just a sad, sad man
-[crying, loudly cries] Ow!
-That's all
I'm ever gonna be
Can't you see?
I'm just as sad as can be
-I'm a sad...
-[Marcia] Sarah told me
everything after you left.
Well, after I threw you out.
She told you everything?
Yeah, man.
About how the doctor gave her
the wrong drugs for PMS cramps.
And she called you over
since she thought you knew
everything about the drug stuff.
Oh, yeah. Right, about,
about all that stuff.
I'm really sorry
for choking you.
[upbeat music playing]
Thanks, but, um, I'm over that.
Things have gotten worse.
Lisa...
...broke up with me.
She won't talk to me.
[background chatter]
I mean...
[chuckles] it's probably
for the best, right?
A relationship without sex
is not a real relationship.
I love her.
Listen, man, I-- I...
[sighs] I know it hurts,
but... you'll find somebody else
and you'll forget
Lisa ever existed, bro.
-[scoffs]
-Or you would if you didn't work
with her every day.
Which I won't because she's also
getting me fired over all this.
I am probably going to jail.
Upside, you won't be seeing
Lisa at work every day!
[chuckles]
Look, man,
let me take you out tonight
and drown your sorrows.
Yeah. That's what
I've been doing anyway.
I mean, in a more
socially acceptable way.
[upbeat electronic
music playing]
Nice! [chuckles]
We'll sure find you
some new ladies up in here.
Yeah, ladies I can date
for a day or two
before I'm arrested.
Bro, you're not going to jail.
Calm down. I'll deny
that you even injected me.
Years of lying to Sarah
has prepared me for this.
-The most important lie
of my life.
-No.
No more lies, Marcia.
I'm gonna face the music,
no matter what happens.
Okay.
But, uh, when you go to jail,
how am I gonna get
another dose of that Bondo,
in case this wears off?
Marcia, I injected you
almost a month ago.
It's worn off by now.
It has?
But I still
only have eyes for Sarah.
-So--
-I think by spending
so much time being monogamous,
you've learned
that the committed lifestyle
actually suits you.
Hmm. Incredible.
-[phone ringing]
-Take that, 23andMe. [laughs]
Just wish Sarah
reciprocated my feelings.
-About that, uh--
-[DJ] And next up is Wally,
performing... the Macarena?
-Seriously, Wally?
Again? Come on, bro.
-Oh, shit. It's karaoke night.
-Come on, let's go
somewhere else--
-No, no, no, wait.
I've never done karaoke before.
-I wanna try.
-[scoffs]
You? But you can't sing.
And I'm not gonna.
[sighs]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[soft clacks]
[DJ]
Next up is Allen
with "The Other Gun."
["The Other Gun"
by Kembo Cheng and Mario Chow]
[crowd booing]
Sing the song
or get off the stage!
People are waiting to sing!
You suck. Sing the song, loser.
I don't like this!
-[man] Oh, dude!
-[woman 1] Yeah! Stop it!
-Come on, get off!
-[crowd booing]
You suck!
[indistinct shouting]
[crowd cheering]
["The Other Gun" continues]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd clapping]
[crowd cheering and clapping]
[woman 2]
Sexy fake guitar man!
[electronic music playing]
-Hey! You were amazing.
-[Allen] Oh!
I really liked the way you move.
I think you'd like
the way I move too.
Move out the way,
he's mine! He is mine.
Claiming ownership
on someone? How rude.
-'Cause he's mine.
-No. Don't listen
to these fake groupies.
-Fake?
-I'm sorry
for what I yelled earlier.
I want you to hold me
like you do that guitar.
-Only for real.
-Oh--
-[woman 3] Oh, so chill--
-I wanna have your baby.
-Okay.
-Oh! Oh,
you wanna have my baby--
-[woman 4] I'm willing
to experiment.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-[indistinct chatter]
-[laughter]
-[Marcia laughing] Bro,
that was fucking awesome, man!
You're such a stud! I mean,
a weird, nerdy air guitar stud,
-but still a stud! [laughs]
-[both grunting]
-Yeah! So, uh,
are you gonna call her?
-[Allen laughs]
Which one? I got,
like, six numbers.
-Any of them? All of them?
-No.
-I'm gonna get Lisa back.
-What?
Well, I mean,
you seem pretty certain.
-Where did that come from?
-From her.
Lisa said she wants
to take you back?
No, but she gave me
the confidence
-to share my air guitar skills.
-Oh, man.
With that newfound confidence,
you can get any girl you want.
Uh-huh. And that is Lisa!
Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
[upbeat music]
[glass shatters]
[clattering]
[man]
Whoa! Sweet penis tray, bro!
[door bangs]
Lisa! I've been looking for you.
-You're dead to me.
-No, no. Can we please talk?
I can't hear you
because you're dead,
and dead people can't talk.
Wait, wait, wait,
I'm not dead! In fact,
I found new life because of you.
Last night, I had an air guitar
performance at a karaoke bar.
It was amazing.
The only thing missing was you.
I'm not that kid
from The Sixth Sense.
-I can't see dead people.
-[thudding]
Lisa! Wait--
Lisa!
[sighs and whispers] God.
-Damn it! [groans]
-[glass shatters]
[birds chirping]
-Lisa, I, I--
-Allen, I need
to talk to you about something.
-It's important.
-Okay. I--
But I'm running late
for my ax throwing practice,
and I'll find you here tomorrow.
I'll bring my ax.
[shouts]
[shouting continues]
[echoing shouting]
-Hi!
-Sarah! What are you doing
here again?
I wanted to come by
and say thank you
for coming over
and taking care of me
the other day.
I'm kind of still embarrassed
that I took the wrong drugs,
but now I understand
why the pharmacist,
uh, was operating
out of a car in an alleyway,
-so--
-Wait, why would you buy drugs
from a guy in a car
in an alleyway?
-Because he gave me a deal.
-Sarah, you shouldn't-- should--
Never mind. You know,
what is done is done.
No, no, don't say that.
I thought I was over you
because you've been ignoring me.
But after spending some time
in a drug induced psychosis,
I realized
that I'm in love with you,
that I want you,
that I need you,
-and that
I will have you. [chuckles]
-No, no, no, y-- you, you don't.
You shouldn't,
an-- and you won't.
I love Lisa.
-No!
-No-- Sarah!
-[clattering]
-Oh! My hand.
-Let me take care of it.
-No, no, ge--
-Sarah, get away! Sarah!
-[growling]
-Why are you always showing up
when I'm here?
-I work here!
Well, it doesn't matter
because I want him
and he wants me.
Uh, no. No, no, I, uh,
I definitely want her.
-[mockingly chuckles]
Well, take this!
-No--
-[sharp hissing]
-Wait, wait, wait! U--
[loudly crying]
-Allen, are you okay?
-Allen, are you okay?
I'm fine.
[dramatic music]
I am not gonna get into a clich
catfight with you.
No, no, no! Stop this, guys--
-[thud]
-[groans and cries]
-My balls, my balls!
-[gasps]
[whimpering]
You got my balls, again.
-[clattering]
-[both shouts]
Allen, are you okay?
[gasping]
You want a clich catfight?
[gasping and panting]
-[shouting]
-[whooshing]
Come on, you guys,
you're better than this.
[clanking]
[shouting and grunting]
[thudding]
[clattering]
-[shouting
and grunting continue]
-[thudding]
[Allen]
Where did you learn to do that?
-CrossFit!
-CrossFit!
[panting]
[gasps]
[music increases]
[whooshing]
-[grunting]
-[clacking]
[groaning]
[panting and grunting]
Lisa, duck!
-[whooshing]
-[thud]
[gasps]
[Marcia]
Sarah, your location tracker
on your phone
says you were here.
Yo-- what the hell?
Did-- did Lisa
cut off your penis?
No, it's, it's just my hand.
Oh, my God. S-- Oh, my God!
Sarah, are you okay?
-What the-- [moaning]
-[moans]
[sighs and laughs]
[gentle music]
[sighs]
[softly chuckles]
[gasps]
[heavily breathing]
[chuckling]
[softly moans]
-[Sarah] Get a room.
-[laughter]
Lisa, I'm really sorry
about what happened there, I--
-I don't know what came over me.
-That's okay.
Allen inspires a lot of passion.
-Couldn't be happier right now.
-[chuckling]
Well, I could be,
if I wasn't about to be fired
-and possibly imprisoned.
-What?
Didn't you tell Jim
about the injections?
No, you would've been fired
and possibly imprisoned.
Wha--
I was just angry,
so I was trying to scare you.
-[chuckles]
-Don't you know
anything about women?
-No.
-No.
[birds chirping]
But w-- why, why did Jim say
he needed to talk to me today?
Well, he did say something
about maybe air guitar lessons?
-Oh.
-Oh, dork! I honestly don't know
what I ever saw in you, Allen.
What do you mean?
Uh, what you saw in Allen?
Oh. Uh. I've been in love
with Allen the last few weeks.
But you can't get mad at me
because it's your fault
for injecting me.
Yes. Don't choke me again.
-[Allen chuckles]
-Fair.
Oh, my God! Allen!
What the hell is going on?
Did these women
attack your penile area?
No! This-- Jim, I--
I have to come clean.
I've been conducting
human experiments with Bondo.
[squeaking]
[loud flapping]
[birds chirping]
You have always been
like a son to me,
but this is a betrayal!
[sharply exhales] No, but,
but Allen's serum, it worked!
It enhances bonding
and it prevents cheating.
-It saved
this couple's marriage.
-Mm.
You can't prove that.
I don't even know
-these lesbians.
-But you know yourself.
You never used to think
so highly of Allen
until you were injected
with Bondo.
-What?
-Yeah. Look.
-[heavenly chiming]
-Allen.
Oh. You sat on this?
Uh-- no, I, I just found it.
Nancy was placing
security cameras everywhere,
so I hacked her footage.
Oh, she's clever.
I have always admired
that woman.
But still, this proves nothing.
My behavior towards Allen
has always been
cordially professional.
What the-- are you--
ar-- are you wearing
my lab coat?
I feel so close to you.
I meant that
in a cordially professional way.
-[clicks tongue] Uh-huh.
-Okay.
Okay, okay!
Maybe I did treat Allen
slightly differently.
And if this is why,
then this is huge!
We-- we're gonna have
some major hurdles with the FDA.
But hey, Allen,
you get to keep your job.
-[laughs] Really?
-[Jim] Yes!
-[laughter]
-Thank you!
[panting]
But... I'm not staying
unless you keep Lisa as well.
She is brilliant,
as you could tell
from her Lixi research
and her ability to hack
into Nancy's cameras.
[chuckles]
I have budget
for only one position.
Then we'll take our talents
and our serums elsewhere.
No! Oh, no! No, no, no.
Maybe I can move some things
around in, in, in the budget.
Uh, okay. No more Taco Tim's--
Taco Tuesdays!
Oh, okay! It's a deal!
-[chuckles]
-Yeah!
-Oh-- [laughs] Thank--
-What the--
[cheerful music]
-[laughter]
-Okay! Okay.
Well, now that
everything is settled,
-take me, sweet swan. [laughs]
-Oh, here we go.
-[Jim] Oh!
-Have fun!
Everybody hit the deck!
-[gasps]
-Or else it's gonna be
a tase fest in here.
-[Marcia] Oh--
-[thud]
-[shouting]
-[gasping]
[upbeat romantic music]
-Jim!
-Safety Officer Nancy.
No one calls me by my full name.
I love hearing it.
-Oh!
-[moaning]
-Oh.
-Hey, now.
This love fest here,
uh, let's go,
-my little cheeky Chihuahua.
-[laughs]
-Did I tell you I quit my job?
-[Marcia] Wha--
-[laughter]
-Wow, what a day.
-I...
-[laughing] Wow!
Um, you probably wanna
wash off the germs.
-Um, you can, you can go first.
-[chuckles]
Thanks, but I think
I want some company.
[giggles]
-Really?
-Yeah.
-[giggling]
-[Allen] What? Okay.
[Allen giggles]
[upbeat electronic music]
-[both chuckling]
-[Allen] Woohoo!
[water running]
-[shouting] Sarah, I need you
to bring me those reports!
-[chiming on TV]
Sarah!
Sarah!
[yelling] Sarah!
[laughing] Hey! Hey!
Advanced chemistry.
We was about to have
the best oral sex ever.
[deeply exhales and whispers]
I wish my butt
still looked like this.
[music continues]
[Allen]
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay. Mm!
-Oh--
-[Sarah] She says she's the boss
of me, but she isn't really.
She's just, like, my--
more like a mentor.
[Allen]
No, she--
[Sarah]
Mr. Science. [laughs]
[laughter] Ooh!
[moaning]
[deeply exhales]
It... [stutters] it works.
Sarah, your GPS tracker said
that you were locat--
-[Allen] Oh!
-[laughter]
-[Marcia]
Get the fuck out of here!
-Ow!
-[Marcia]
Get the fuck out of here!
-Ow!
-[Marcia]
Get the fuck out of here!
-Ow!
-Get the fuck out of here!
-[groans]
[sharply blows]
I don't have any lotion.
-Now, it might be a little dry.
-Mm.
Hey, you guys see
that man scientist
who never gets any ladies?
He should consider
a chicken man.
Oh, man! I'd give it
to him real good.
[Jim] I meant that
in a cordially professional way.
-[distant braying]
-[indistinct chatter]
[Allen laughs]
No, no. Jim, I--
[deeply inhales]
-I want to speak,
but there's a plane--
-[man] Fucking--
How much? One buck?
Bu-- two buck?
[clucking]
You know, I'm romantic.
And today is Tuesday, which is,
uh, my masturbation day.
-[Allen yells]
-[shouts] Oh!
Yeah!
[music continues]
Uh, uh...
[laughter]
How about you and I play
a little hair guitar?
-[laughter]
-Okay. Okay. Thank you--
Oh, man.
This is really different
from when I was
the CEO of Perdue Chicken.
Mm, close the curtain!
[shouts] Oh! My balls!
[whimpering]
You got my balls again!
-[Jim] Oh!
-[distant braying]
-[laughs]
-What are yo--
What are you doing
with my lab coat? Ri-- [laughs]
-Wait. What--
-Look!
-[laughter]
-[indistinct chatter]
Now there's a chicken
involved too?
Hey! Hey! You guys wanna be
in the outtakes?
Hey! You guys wanna be
in the outtakes?
What do you think?
You know, if I'm being honest,
I prefer turkey.