Adventures of a Private Eye (1977) Movie Script
1
Wake up.
Morning, mr prentiss.
You're up early.
Up early?
I'm on nights this week.
Male singer: I'm losing sleep
'cause I've got to keep an eye on you
you cannot be trusted for one night
you're at home but you're not alone
I know that's true
I got information from
information from my private eye
I can't mention names
but I heard of the games
have been going on
you've been double-dealing
left and right
and it hurts me so
but I got to know
be it right or wrong
all that information from
information from my private eye
my private eye
gonna keep tabs, gonna tell a story
my private eye
always checkin' up on you
oh, my private eye
got a lot of friends, gonna tell a story
callin' all cars,
it's a quarter to three
there's nobody home
and it's worrying me
it goes without saying
that she's only playing with me
It's true, you know.
Crime is on the increase.
Certainly too much
for the police to handle.
That's where people like us come in.
Oh, I'm Bob west, by the way.
Private detective.
Excuse me. Can you tell me
where flash street is, please?
Yeah, you go through
the first set of traffic lights,
to the second set,
and then you turn left.
- Thanks, mate.
- All right.
You see, the trouble with
most people today
is they're not observant.
They walk around
with their eyes closed,
and that's just what
the criminal type's looking for.
This is where I work.
If ever there was a glamorous job,
this has gotta be it.
Fast cars, private yachts.
Flying off to assignments
in exotic places.
Fantastic.
Not that I do any of that,
but the bloke I work for,
he does it all the time.
And, of course, need I say it?
Women.
You know, I've never known a fella cram
so many beautiful women into one day.
My boss goes through secretaries
like a chain-smoker.
This one only started this morning.
Amateur. Peering through keyholes
is for the amateur.
I wasn't actually, mr Blake.
I just thought I'd dropped
something on the floor.
Mmm. Bugging.
Now, that's the professional way.
Bugging.
Yes. And, like everything else,
purely a matter of technique.
Now you stick with me,
and you'll soon learn
to be a successful bugger.
Hurry up, miss Walker. I want
to be out of here in five minutes.
Blake: Case, Robert, case.
You mean you want me to handle one
while you're away, mr Blake?
No, I want you to hand me one now.
- My briefcase.
- Oh.
I trust I'm doing the right thing,
leaving you in charge of this office
while I'm away.
I'll handle things while you're away,
mr Blake. Don't you worry about that.
Watch it! But that's just it,
I don't want you to handle things.
Just keep an eye on the place.
That'll be quite sufficient.
Well...
Is there nothing I can do
while you're away?
I mean, finish off
a case or something?
To work on
even the simplest of cases
requires a vast
reservoir of experience.
Well, I've been here
three months.
Look, I'm talking of years,
Robert, years.
You haven't even asked me
to follow anybody yet.
Right, I shall be gone
for about four days.
Any problems, you know
where to contact me.
Hotel majestic, Beirut.
Oh, by the way, I've arranged
for a temporary secretary
to deputise for miss Walker.
All right?
She should have been here
first thing this morning, but she's late.
- Right, miss Walker.
- Don't you worry about a thing, mr Blake.
I'll make sure everything's
running smoothly for you.
Look, just take the messages,
that's all.
Don't start messing in things
which don't concern you.
No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Blake: Come on.
Have a nice time.
Hello.
That'll be the new secretary, I bet.
Oh, I can just see her now.
Soft blonde hair,
lovely, slender little body,
deep sensitive eyes.
Gubbidge. Maud gubbidge.
I'm the new secretary
from rent-a-temp.
Rent-a-what?
But there must be a mistake.
I mean...
This is the Blake detective agency,
isn't it?
I was told to report to a mr west.
Is that you?
Well, yeah, but I was expecting
somebody a bit...
- Older?
- Well...
Now, the last boss I had,
he kept making
improper suggestions to me.
I hope you're not
going to be like that.
- Like what?
- Keep making improper suggestions.
Oh, no... way.
Good. As long as the only thing I have
to take down is shorthand, I don't mind.
You see, er... it was my body
that was the trouble.
Yeah, I can see that.
- He couldn't keep his hands off it.
- Really.
It got so bad, it was just unbearable,
so I had to hand in my notice.
He said I aroused
his primeval impulse.
Mind you...
I seem to have that effect
on men, you know.
Well, if, er...
If you wouldn't mind answering
the door, please, miss, er...
Gubbidge. Maud gubbidge.
- Yes, what do you want?
- Blake detective agency?
- That'll be all right, miss garbage.
- Gubbidge.
- Yes, yes. If you'd like to step this way.
- Mr judd Blake?
Well...
- Laura Sutton.
- How do you do?
Mr Blake, I'll come
straight to the point.
I want you to handle a case
for me immediately.
- Oh, yes. But I'm not...
- No, no, no. I'll explain.
You see, I used to be
a professional model.
And to be quite honest,
I led a rather...
Wild life.
That is, until I met Ashley.
Ashley dotrice.
Then, it was love at first sight.
The fact that he was eighty-seven,
a multi-millionaire
with a bad heart condition,
had nothing to do with it, naturally.
Well, naturally. But, you see,
the thing is, I'm not...
And, last week,
we were supposed to be married.
Well, I thought it best
we didn't have a long engagement.
I mean, he'd already had
three heart attacks since last Christmas.
Last week,
he had a fourth and died.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
Hmm? Oh, yes, of course,
I was terribly upset.
Now the point is
that I'm due to inherit
his entire estate on the 25th.
Well, that's very nice,
but the thing is, I...
Yes, but you see,
the trouble is Ashley.
Darling Ashley. You see,
he was under the impression
that I was still a virgin.
Oh, really?
Really?
According to the terms of the will,
I only inherit everything
if I've done nothing to bring
the family name into disrepute.
So, you see, I have a problem.
- Problem?
- Well...
I have a number of...
Explicit photographs of myself
with a gentleman in...
A compromising situation.
- Oh!
- I would like you to see them.
- Oh, yeah. I'd love to, yeah.
- I feel I should explain...
Well, just pass them over
and, en"
let me have a look.
You see, they came through the post
yesterday morning.
Yes, well, I think I should, er...
Take a look, and, er...
They came with a note
threatening to send them
to Ashley's solicitor
unless I pay 50,000.
Yes, well, I can see
you've got a problem there,
but if I could just have a...
Have a look at them, er...
Mr Blake, I'm at my wits' end.
Oh, come on.
They can't be that bad.
Wow.
Exactly.
Needless to say,
I don't have that kind of money.
What?
I said, I don't have
that kind of money.
I can't touch any of the estate
until I inherit it on the 25th,
and, if I ask for some kind
of a loan, then...
Well, somebody
might get suspicious.
You know, you...
You photograph very well.
Thank you.
What I want you to do
is to catch the blackmailer
and get me the negatives.
It's incredible definition as well.
You do see the position I'm in?
You're in a very awkward position,
I can see that.
But, mr Blake,
what do you think?
Oh, I think they're great.
Especially the one
with the stick of rock...
Yes, well, um...
I think I should be able to fit you in,
in between commitments.
Who do you reckon it is?
If I knew who it was,
I wouldn't be here
employing you, mr Blake.
Yes, quite.
Just testing you, that's all.
Well, I think I'll kick off by
- following up a few leads.
- A few leads?
Yes. You don't happen
to have any, do you?
- Scott!
- Who?
The person on the picture.
Oh, yes, I hadn't noticed him.
He's a photographer.
It could have been
a set-up job, but...
Yes, well.
You know, I don't think
this is going to be
a particularly difficult
case to solve, miss...
Sutton.
Just leave it with me
for a few days.
Everything will be all right.
Oh, don't worry.
They'll be, er...
They'll be safely under lock and key.
Everything is kept strictly
confidential in this business.
You're out of your head.
How can you take on
a job like this?
It's amazing what you can do
with a garlic sausage.
Oh, it's an open-and-shut case.
There's absolutely nothing to it.
Anyway, it's a cucumber, isn't it?
Nothing to it?
You don't know the first thing
about being a private detective.
It's definitely a sausage.
I've seen the way Blake does it.
It's dead easy.
It's just plain common sense.
Nothing more.
I'll get these.
It's all right, Bob, I'll get 'em.
Anyway, I've got ambition, haven't I?
If I hadn't, I'd probably still be stuck
in that boring old insurance office.
Might be all right for you,
Derek, but me...
I'm going places.
I still say you're trying to run
before you can walk.
Like you always do.
That bicycle pump
must have been painful.
Anyway, what about her thinking
you're Blake? That is fraud.
Yeah, well, I'll tell her afterwards,
when it's all over.
All right, Sherlock,
what's your first move?
Well, first, I'm gonna check out
this photographer guy.
Do you know, I think
he's hiding the negatives at his flat.
And what are you going to do?
Knock on the door and say,
"excuse me, I'm a private detective.
"I think you're
blackmailing my client.
"Please, may I come in
and search the place?"
Very funny. No, I'm gonna
go to that flat in disguise...
Put them away.
- Mr radleigh?
- Mr radleigh's out at the moment.
Well, I'm from the, er...
Health department.
Rodent and pest control.
I've come to have
a look at your mice.
- Mice? I haven't seen any mice.
- Oh.
Well, anyway, I can't
hang about here all day.
I mean, I've got
a schedule to keep to,
and I've got to do
the whole area. Er...
Well, I suppose it'll be all right.
I do hope you're not
gonna make a mess.
I've just done in here,
you know.
No, no, I'll just, er...
Hunt round for any little signs,
and, en" then lay a few traps.
You don't do ants, do you?
- W hat?
- Ants.
Oh, yeah, we do 'em all.
Ants, mice, rats,
cockroaches, weevils.
Only, where I live,
they come in from the garden.
Harry, that's my husband,
he found a couple in his
cornflakes the other morning.
I mean, there they were, just swimmin'
around as though they owned the place.
Ant powder,
that's what you need.
Well, you can't very well
put that in cornflakes, can you?
I don't suppose
you'll find any in there.
Well, you never know.
I mean, they eat all sorts, you know.
Clothes, woodwork, paper...
Photographs.
You, er...
You haven't got any photographs
lying around, have you?
Or negatives?
- They love negatives, you know.
- I wouldn't know about that.
I'm just the home help.
You'd have to ask mr radleigh.
Oh, I was just making myself
a nice cup of tea.
I don't suppose you'd fancy one?
That's very kind.
Thank you very much.
Mrs horne:
What are you doing down there?
Oh, just looking for droppings.
Well, you won't find any of those.
I've only just hoovered.
- Do you take sugar?
- No, thanks.
Oh, yes. Well, I'm always finding
things like that about the place.
He has women here, you know.
I don't mind
the black ones so much.
It's the big red ones
I can't stand.
- W hat?
- Ants.
Oh, ants.
My Harry found a couple in his bed
the other night.
Gave him a terrible fright.
He thought it was crabs.
Mind you, he's a funny man.
He always did attract
nasty, creepy-crawly things.
- Oh, my god, he's back already.
- What?
Quick, clear these things up.
Mrs horne: Oh, mr radleigh,
you did give me a surprise!
I was just finishing off.
Who's he?
Well, I hope I did right, mr radleigh.
This gentleman is from the government.
From, er... pest control.
Oh, yes?
What are you, a free sample?
He says he's come about the mice.
He's come about the...
- What mice?!
- Well, I'm investigating the...
Yes, well, we haven't
got any around here,
so go and do your
investigating somewhere else.
- Go on.
- Goodbye.
Where the bloody hell's my camera?
Mrs horne, have you moved it?
'Cause I put it over there.
Oh, yes.
I do remember seeing it.
"Oh, yes. I do remember seeing it."
Well, don't look at me,
I'm only the, er...
Cleaner.
What do you want to
borrow them for?
I'm going to spy on him.
What are you trying to do?
Get yourself arrested?
Well, what I should have done
was bug the place.
I mean, it's definitely him.
Nasty type.
A blackmailer if ever I saw one.
Did you get the negatives?
No, but, er...
I found a camera.
That proves it.
You twit!
What's that got to do with it?
I've got a camera.
Everybody's got a camera.
Yeah, but not like this one.
It had a big lens on it.
Well, it would do, wouldn't it?
He's a photographer.
Well, precisely.
Look, why don't you just admit
you haven't got the faintest idea
about what you're doing
and let's all get some rest.
What, when I've nearly
solved the case?
Anyway, look,
it's time I was going.
Look, Derek, believe it or not,
I do know what I'm doing.
Woman: Emergency.
Which service do you require?
Police.
I hope you don't think I do this
with every photographer I work with.
No, of course not.
Well, I can't see anyone.
He must have gone.
Only there was definitely
someone outside
prowling about in the bushes.
Now, now, miss friggin.
That makes three you say
you've seen in the past week.
Now, they can't all have been
sex maniacs, can they?
Oh, I don't agree. There are
a lot of them about, you know.
You've really no cause for alarm.
A lot of them go for
older women now.
It said so in the papers.
Well, don't you worry
about it, miss friggin.
Anyone tries to molest you,
we are only around the corner.
Well, anyway, I always
look under my bed,
just to make sure.
But there's never anybody there.
That's right.
You keep doing that.
And I always wear a wedding ring
whenever I go out.
It's where they hang about,
you know,
behind those bushes.
- Scott.
- Mmm?
- What's this?
- Mmm?
It feels like a lump of cheese.
What?
God knows.
Right, where were we?
Policeman: Oi! You down there.
Police. Hold it! Hey!
Hello, love.
How did it go last night?
Terrific.
- Like my new outfit?
- Mmm?
I couldn't resist it.
Well, it's terribly me.
Don't you think?
Yeah, it's...
Terrible.
Oh, er... that woman,
- miss Sutton phoned up for you.
- Oh, yeah?
Now, personally,
I never liked the look of her,
the minute I clapped eyes on her.
What did she want?
I suppose some men
might find her attractive,
but it's only the way
she's done her make-up.
Yes, all right.
What did she want?
Of course, I don't need any of that,
you understand,
not with my basic primitive sexuality.
Never mind all that.
Mind you, a lot of it's to do
with the way you dress.
- Look, miss cribbage.
- Gubbidge, but you can call me maud.
Look, are you going to tell me
what she wanted, or not?
She wants you to
go and stay with her.
- She what?
- That's what she said.
She wants you to catch a train
first thing tomorrow morning
and go down and stay with her
in the country.
Oh. Great.
- Hello there.
- Hello, mr Blake.
I suppose you are wondering
why I asked you down here.
I think I can guess, Laura.
Obviously, it mustn't appear
as if we're having an affair.
Oh, I'll be very discreet,
don't worry.
I mean, the slightest hint
of a scandal, and...
Well, I'll lose everything.
There's absolutely no need
for anybody to find out.
Well, I have paved the way.
I've said you're an old friend
just down for a few days.
Good idea. Very good idea.
Er, told who?
Well, Ashley's relatives, of course.
They came down for the funeral.
All key suspects,
obviously, huh?
Well, they think that the estate
should have gone
to his daughters,
Violet and medea.
Oh, there you have your motive.
And then, of course,
there's Violet's husband, Sydney,
and her stepdaughter, Clarissa.
Mmm. Well, I'll soon have
that lot sorted out.
What you will find interesting
is that Scott arrived
late last night
and he's staying in the town.
Oh, really? That is interesting.
Very interesting.
Hmm.
Right, then, er...
Let's go, shall we?
Oh, by the way, er...
Where are we going?
Ashley's estate.
Oh, I'd rather thought we'd have
booked into some little hotel,
just the two of us.
Whatever for?
Well...
Oh, Ashley's estate, grimsdyke manor.
Grimsdyke manor.
Craddock, this is mr Blake.
Would you take his things
to the west wing, please?
Craddock: Certainly, madam.
Your coat, sir.
- Pardon?
- Your coat, sir.
Thank you.
- Medea dotrice, judd Blake.
- Oh, how...
Medea:
I see the Mark of death on you.
Laura:
Judd's just staying for a few days.
Yes, I can sense
he won't be with us for very long.
I have the second sight.
Would you like some breakfast?
Breakfast?
I expect you'll be hungry
after your journey.
Oh, yes. Thanks very much.
- Not there!
- Over here.
This is Violet, medea's sister.
Bob: Pleased to meet you.
Oh, nothing passes between my lips
unless it's organic.
Violet's a vegetarian.
I notice you didn't introduce
your friend to me, Laura.
Vi's my stepmother.
I'm Clarissa.
Hello.
Pig's flesh!
And the embryo
of an unborn chicken.
- I beg your pardon?
- On your plate.
It's not good for you, you know.
Medea: Oh... the tea leaves.
I see nothing ahead but misery,
torment,
and blood.
Man: Morning! Morning! Morning!
Oh, god. Ah, breakfast.
The morning is bright,
so don't look so glum,
'cause, if you do,
I shall smack your bum.
Violet: Must you be so crude
first thing in the morning?
You've no sense of humour, vi.
I've told you that before.
Sense of humour?
Here? Knowing that...
Oh!
Let me introduce you.
Judd Blake, Sydney Burke.
Ah, yes.
Yes...
Violet: Would you like some
vitamin and iron tablets?
- They're very good for you, you know.
- Um... no, thanks.
I've weak blood, you see.
For god's sake, vi,
I'm trying to drink me breakfast.
Blood!
Sydney: Now, see what you've done.
You've set her off now.
Oh, Syd, don't say
anything to upset me.
You know how my nerves are.
I can't take it any more.
You, er...
You all live here, do you?
Here?
Live here?
Knowing that...
No, we, er...
We have a house in esher.
Sydney built it.
He's a building contractor.
Do you remember that block of flats
that fell down last year?
They were his.
Rows and rows of concrete,
all around the town.
I forgot to put the girders in,
they all fell down!
Sydney:
What business you in, then?
- Er... ornithology.
- He's an 'orny-what?
Laura: Bird watching.
- Tits!
- Oh!
You get to see a lot of those,
isuppose!
Well, they're birds, aren't they?
They call it
"the bird from hell".
- What?
- Oh, it's just a superstition.
Legend has it
that all who are unfaithful
to the owners of grimsdyke manor
shall die screaming
in the claws of a monstrous demon.
Sydney: She means
that bloody great
stuffed thing
hanging up in the hall.
Sometimes at night, its ghostly voice
can be heard across the moors,
screaming out for blood!
Right, I'm off to the river.
See you later, everybody.
But you haven't eaten anything.
Oh, do have a yeast tablet.
No, thank you.
I, er...
I don't want to appear, er...
Curious, but tell me...
Marmaduke.
You silly bitch.
Marmaduke grimsdyke.
We don't talk about
marmaduke grimsdyke.
There's a young gentleman outside
to see you, miss Sutton.
A mr radleigh.
Oh, thank you, craddock.
Will you tell him to wait in the hall?
Craddock: Very good.
Sydney: Not some dark secret from
your murky past, Laura, surely?
So, how long have you
been here, then?
Oh, two or three minutes.
Butler said to wait in the hall.
Clarissa:
I say, what are you doing?
- Oh, hello.
- What are you doing?
I'm, er... bird spotting.
How exciting.
What was your name again?
Judd. Judd Blake.
You're not related to the
hurlington Blakes, by any chance?
No, I shouldn't think so.
I'm Clarissa.
Yes, I remember.
Do you fancy a little row
down the river?
Well, um...
Come on, it might be fun.
All right, then.
Hadn't you better untie it first?
- Rowlocks.
- W hat?
You haven't got them
in your rowlocks.
Oh, yeah.
- So, how long have you known her, then?
- Known who?
- Laura.
- Not long.
Weren't getting jealous, were you?
- Jealous? No, no.
- Who is he, anyway?
I don't know.
Probably a good friend, I expect.
Looks a bit more than a friend to me.
Yes, well, I wouldn't
know about that.
I think you were spying on them.
And what makes you think that, then?
Intuition.
Oh! Oh, dear!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Quick! Grab hold of this.
Thank you very much.
I've just wet my trousers, haven't I?
Clarissa: Oh, goodness! Oh! Oh!
Clarissa: Don't worry,
no-one can see us here.
Bob: Mmm, Clarissa...
Clarissa: Oh, judd...
Man: In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
Put your backs into it!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
Derek: Idiot!
What the devil does he think
he's playing at?
Doesn't look very good, does it?
What the hell's Blake gonna say
when he finds out?
You can see everything.
I knew it.
He's just gonna get himself
in deeper and deeper
until he doesn't know
where he's at.
She's quite pretty, I suppose.
If you like that sort of thing.
We'll have to go down there
first thing in the morning
and make sure he doesn't get into
any more trouble.
What are you doing here?
Um...
Just admiring the decorations.
It's a lovely place you've got here.
I foresaw a death in my tea leaves.
Someone is about to die.
I can sense it.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
There's people popping up
and disappearing all over the place.
You know, I suspect there's
a secret panel here somewhere.
There are, lots of them.
Have you found out
who it is yet?
No. I'm just searching
for some clues.
But don't worry, as soon as
I find some, I'll know who it is.
Look, um...
I was thinking, you know, er...
Later on tonight...
I don't suppose, er...
You, er... fancy a quick one...
I mean, if you're nervous
about sleeping alone,
I don't mind...
That's all right.
I always lock my door.
- You always lock your door?
- Mm-hmm.
Very wise.
Good night, judd.
If I were you,
I'd lock yours, too.
Can I help you, sir?
Pardon?
- Oh!
- Can I help you, sir?
That, er...
That big bird, it's, er...
Very interesting.
The grimsdyke vulture, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
Who's the, er...
Who's the fellow
in the chain mail?
Marmaduke grimsdyke.
We don't talk about him, sir.
I don't know why you made me
come all the way out here.
Why couldn't you have
come to the hotel?
Are you just going to stand there
or are you going to give it to me?
Hello, there!
Hello, Percy!
Been a good boy, then?
What... what's happened?
It was an accident.
I fell on top of him. He's out cold.
- Have you got any smelling salts?
- Who is it?
Oh! It's Scott.
Whatever's he doing here?
He's not breathing.
Oh, my god, I've killed him.
- He's been shot.
- It was an accident, I fell on top of him. I...
- He's been what?
- Look.
Look, the thing to do is to keep
perfectly calm and not panic.
So don't panic. Don't panic!
Let's go and get the police.
I'll phone the police,
and then we'll go and get the police.
No. No, no. No, wait!
- Will you wait?
- What?
Obviously, it isn't an accident.
- What, you mean he's been murdered?
- Yes.
Oh, my god.
Listen.
What do you phone for the police?
Christ, it's on the tip of my tongue.
What is it?
- I mean...
- Just wait. Will you just wait?
Yeah, but you don't understand.
He's been murdered!
I know.
But if you stop rushing into things,
and let me think clearly.
Think clearly. Yes, that's very good.
Think clearly. Think...
999. That's what it is.
I knew it was something...
Oh, before you do anything,
just sit down and let me think.
Look.
If he was shot outside,
we'd have heard it. Right?
- Right.
- Right!
Therefore, he must have...
Crawled there,
or been placed there by somebody.
For what possible reason?
Don't you see?
To incriminate me.
That's exactly the kind of scandal
that everybody was waiting for.
- We'll have to hide it.
- What?!
Will you shut up?
If we can just delay him
being found for a few days,
until the estate is mine.
After that, it doesn't matter.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, judd, darling.
That is the answer.
What about the police?
I mean, you can't just go around
hiding dead bodies.
You know, there's a law against
that sort of thing.
Nobody will ever know.
There's a quarry not far from here.
He wouldn't be found for days.
No, I'm sorry, Laura.
Absolutely, definitely,
emphatically "no".
But what we're really doing is
helping the police.
Are we?
Well, Scott wasn't murdered here.
He was murdered somewhere else,
so, by us moving the body,
we're stopping the police
from being confused.
I don't think they'll see it
quite like that, somehow.
Especially if they find out.
Good evening, craddock.
Good night, madam.
As soon as it's light,
you can get rid of it properly.
What do you mean,
"as soon as it's light"?
Well, it's going to
look suspicious if you
try and get rid of it
in the middle of the night.
Oh, judd, you don't know
what this means to me.
About...
About ten years, I should think,
if they find out.
Come on.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
I shouldn't think
you can see much behind
with that on the back.
Well, I... I saw you.
It's contrary to the motor vehicles
construction and use regulations,
section 40, sub-paragraph 5,
road traffic act 1972.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, officer,
I didn't realise that I was, er...
Contravening...
Where's your spare wheel?
Well, it's in the back,
isuppose.
- Why?
- You're gonna need it.
You got a flat tyre.
Right, sir, if you'd care
to get out of the car,
I'll give you a hand.
- It shouldn't take long.
- That's all right, officer.
Actually, I can manage on my own.
It's going to be okay.
In spite of what the public thinks,
we do like to help sometimes.
Now you're gonna
need a hand with this,
otherwise you'll
never get the wheel out.
Right, if you'd like to
take the other end.
Ready? One, two, three, hup!
What have you got in here, then?
A body?
It's all right, actually,
thank you, officer.
I can manage very well now.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Oh, all right, then. Bye.
Did, er...
I leave my gloves here?
Oh! There they are.
Woman: Having a spot of bother?
Yes.
I thought you were.
I'm Sally.
I'm a housewife.
Really?
Rather boring, really,
being a housewife.
Would you like a cup of tea?
No, thank you.
Would you like to
wash your hands?
Well, yes, I wouldn't mind actually.
Thanks very much.
Sally:
I did enjoy our little chat outside.
It was really interesting.
Fascinating.
That's how you get to
know people, isn't it?
By chatting.
Have you, er...
- Have you got a towel?
- Pink or blue?
- Well, I'm easy.
- I thought you might be.
You've got that look about you.
I knew you'd be
just game for anything
the moment I saw you out there.
No, no. I didn't mean that...
Does it do things for you?
I see all the sex films, you know.
Hot lust and sweaty thighs.
Nuns in rubber.
Now look, I mean, I didn't...
I just... I thought that...
Well, ordinary sex
gets so boring, doesn't it?
Especially with Frederick.
He's my husband.
He's got no imagination.
Not like the milkman.
You'd be amazed what he gets up to
with his extra pinta.
Then it's into the high heel boots
and gestapo uniform
for a quick bit of the night Porter
with the gasman.
Got it?
How about
a bit of last tango in Paris?
- I've got loads of butter in the fridge.
- Oh, Christ.
I would have suggested deep throat,
but I tried it with the window cleaner
last week and nearly choked myself.
Look, love. I only came in here
to get me hands washed.
Oh! I love it
when they play hard to get.
Leave it out!
- Lost it?
- It was an accident.
Lost it? How could you?
Well, I just turned my back
for a second, that's all,
and then it was gone.
- Look, I was washing my hands.
- Washing your hands?
Look, I had to
change the wheel, didn't I?
And then this woman came out.
But that was after the...
The policeman pulled me up.
Well, he didn't exactly pull me up.
But he wanted to change the wheel,
I had to help him, otherwise it would
have looked suspicious, wouldn't it?
I had to and I did.
And then this funny woman came out
with kinky black leather boots, whip...
The trunk! Where is it?
Oh!
Oh, no. What are you two
doing down here?
Why? What have you done now?
I don't believe it.
I just do not believe it.
Even you couldn't be that stupid.
All right, all right.
I'll admit there's been
a slight error ofjudgement
on my part, but...
"Error of..."! Do you realise
what you've got yourself into?
Following somebody about
with binoculars is one thing,
but murder?
You've really landed
yourself in it this time.
Well, it's no good
you keep going on about it.
I mean,
I didn't murder him, did I?
I'll admit that things haven't gone
quite as I'd liked them to, but...
There's no talking to him.
I give up. I just give up.
Oh, I'm sure he was
only trying to help.
I told you not to take
this case in the first place,
but you wouldn't listen to me.
Yeah, but I've solved it.
I mean, I know who murdered him.
It's just a... just a question
of proving it, that's all.
What do you mean,
you know who murdered him?
I do. His accomplice.
Then why haven't you
told the police?
Well, because I'm not quite sure
exactly who the accomplice is yet,
- but I've got some suspects.
- Suspects.
You wait until you see how strange
the Butler's been acting lately.
What does that miss Sutton
have to say about it?
Well, she reckons
the best thing to do now
is just to try and solve the case
as quickly as possible.
Listen, that trunk has probably
been opened already,
and if it has,
it will be no time at all
before it's traced back to this place.
So, you go to the police
before they come to you,
and you tell them everything.
I can't do that.
I promised Laura.
Look, it's the only chance you've got
of getting yourself out of this mess,
short of pleading insanity.
No, on second thought,
that's probably your best chance.
Look, if I tell the whole story,
Laura will inherit nothing.
Well, so what?
It's better than
being an accessory
and going to prison
for the rest of your life.
Maud: He's right, you know.
- Woman: Is the plumber there?
- No, no. I'm sorry, he hasn't been here.
- Do send him round.
- Yes, I'll tell him as soon as he comes.
Goodbye, ma'am.
The inspector, please.
Oh, yes. You've come to
the wrong place. He's not here.
- Pardon?
- No, I just had his wife on the phone.
- Wondered what happened to you.
- What happened to me?
- Yes. She expects you.
- Really?
Yes. You'll find his house,
number 6, on the right.
The one with the red door.
Well, what are you waiting for?
- The one with the red door?
- The one with the red door.
Thank goodness you're here.
I was getting quite desperate.
- Do come in.
- Thank you.
The kitchen's at the back.
I tried to do it myself,
but it wasn't really very satisfactory.
What I really needed was
a nice long tool
to poke it with properly,
if you see what I mean.
I hunted about for hours,
but I couldn't find
anything satisfactory.
Finally, I decided the only thing to do
is to get a man round instead.
- Yes, well, actually, I've come to...
- Solve my little problem. Yes, I know.
I do hope you've got
the right equipment for it.
It's probably just tea leaves.
Oh, no, no.
You've got it wrong. I'm not...
Quite sure what it is.
- Oh, I do understand, mr, um...
- West.
You see...
Well, everyone thinks it's Blake.
How strange. "Blake" doesn't
sound a bit like "west".
I suppose you'll probably try
to suck it out with your little plunger.
Drink?
- Woman: Say when.
- Bob: When.
- What?
- When.
My goodness, you certainly
like your drink, don't you?
But I like a man
who's not afraid to admit it.
Listen. When I came round,
I thought your husband
was gonna be here.
Oh, he won't be home
for ages yet.
Why don't you come and sit down?
Cheers.
Cheers.
Is it getting hard?
Pardon?
Finding work?
Oh, yeah, well...
Look, are you sure
aboutyourhusband?
Positive.
- He is the inspector?
- Yes.
And he's a very difficult man
to live with, I can tell you.
Oh, really?
I don't want you
to get the wrong idea,
but I get the kind of feeling
that you're the sort of man
I could really depend on.
But, um...
What about the husband?
Oh, he won't be back for ages yet.
Plenty of time.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mum! Mummy!
What are you doing?
Mummy's just having a little chat
with the plumber.
Why are you lying down?
Don't ask silly questions.
Do as I told you and go to bed.
I'll go.
- Where did he come from?
- Upstairs. My god.
Quick!
Woman: Hello, Willy.
Is your mummy in?
Willy: Yes.
She's with the plumber.
Oh, mrs grimpton.
What a lovely surprise.
- I do hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- Oh, no.
Why were you jumping up and down
on top of mummy?
Willy, dear,
it's way past your bedtime.
Willy: Daddy!
Hello, hello, little man.
Want to come up?
There, what a big Willy I've got.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's going on here, then?
Darling, you're home early.
I just popped in to tell you
I'm working late tonight.
That missing person
business at the hotel.
Turned out nasty, I'm afraid.
Afternoon, mrs grimpton.
How's the reverend?
Bearing up, as usual.
Daddy, why don't plumbers
wear any trousers?
Darling, that's the plumber.
He's just come to unblock the sink.
Plumber?
- Local, are you?
- Er...
Why has he put
his trousers back on, daddy?
Does that mean he's not going to
jump up and down any more?
Excuse me, mate.
This where the blockage is?
Crikey. Is that the time?
Well, I'll just have to
be running along
because I've got a few
more appointments to... to...
And then the real plumber came in,
and it bec...
Somebody just put this
underneath my bedroom door.
"The burlesque club.
Table five, ten o'clock sharp.
"Bring the money in used notes."
Yes, well, that's where he's made
his final mistake, isn't it?
What final mistake?
Well, I give him the money,
he hands over the negatives,
- and then I nab him.
- You nab him?
Yeah. I'll just wait for him
to expose himself,
and then I'll pinch him.
Well, as long as
he doesn't get sidetracked,
like some people we could mention.
All I want to know is, where
am I going to get 50,000 from?
Don't you worry, love.
I know exactly
how these things are done.
Laura: Do you really think
that's gonna work?
Never fails.
See, you just put the proper money
at the top and it all looks real.
I wonder who it's gonna
turn out to be?
The Butler.
That's who did it, the Butler.
How do you work that one out?
Well, call it a hunch, if you like.
- Call it a wild guess.
- You'll see.
Look, I didn't like to
voice my suspicions beforehand,
but tonight,
after he turns up at that club,
I'll have all the proof I need.
You'd better.
Otherwise I'm in trouble.
Don't worry.
It'll be the Butler.
He's the blackmailer.
He's also a murderer.
Yeah, well, don't worry.
I know how to look after myself.
Violet: You know, I don't think
this is such a good idea.
These sort of things
always make me feel so nervous.
Medea: Father would wish us
to speak with him.
Sydney: I don't understand why.
He had no time for you while he was alive.
What are you lot doing now?
We're going to have a sance.
Where's judd?
Maybe he'd like to join us.
Oh, he, er...
He went to visit someone in town.
- You'll be joining us though, won't you?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
I think father's going to be very upset
if you don't have a word with him.
Listen, birdie, if I've got to sit through
this blasted nonsense, you can as well.
- Cloth!
- Yes. Well, this is nice, isn't it?
- I always did like having my fortune told.
- Lights!
Now if we all place our index finger
very lightly on top of the glass.
We are having a sance,
round we all sit.
If you want my opinion,
it's a right load of...
Everyone place their hands
gently on the table,
fingers lightly touching.
What was that?
- Is there anybody there?
- My god!
Who is it? Speak! Speak!
Who's there? Speak! Speak!
I... I need a bloody drink.
Someone touched me! Oh!
Yes, yes. There's definitely
someone in the room.
I can feel it. I can feel it.
Father, father, is it you?
Oh, my god. Supposing it's...
Marmaduke grimsdyke?
Marmaduke, if it is thou,
be gone, I say!
Marmaduke, piss off.
Who is it? Answer me, father.
If it is you, then answer me.
One knock for yes.
Two knocks for no.
Medea: One knock for yes,
two knocks for no.
Who is it? Speak! Speak!
Who is it?
Craddock: It's only me, madam.
Inspector hogg to see you.
Sorry to disturb you like this.
Just a few routine enquiries, that's all,
in connection with
a mr Scott radleigh.
I believe he called here
yesterday morning.
Wasn't that the fellow
who came to see Laura?
Nothing that might
create a scandal, I hope.
- You knew him, did you?
- Well, er...
Slightly, from when I was a model.
I see.
Are you also acquainted
with a mr and mrs boodle
- of 36 abersham Crescent, reading?
- Oh, no.
They moved there yesterday.
But what's that
got to do with Scott?
He fell out of a trunk
while they were unpacking.
I'm sorry to have to tell you,
he'd been shot.
- Shot?
- Surely you don't suspect miss Sutton, sir?
- Think of the scandal.
- Just a few routine enquiries, that's all.
- I saw it. I saw it all.
- You witnessed it?
In the tea leaves.
The curse of the grimsdyke vulture.
I think I'm going to have
a nervous breakdown.
Good heavens.
What's that plumber
doing under the table?
He's not a plumber.
He's a bird watcher.
Well, he wouldn't
find any under there.
If I could have a word with you
in private, please, inspector?
Please.
He was the first to die.
There will be more.
The tea leaves never lie.
So, you see, inspector,
I'm not a plumber,
nor am I a bird watcher.
I'm a private detective,
and I'm down here on a case
and I just didn't want anybody
to find out, that's all.
So, what were you doing
at my house with my wife?
Well... well, I felt that I should
let you know who I was,
what I was doing down here,
just in case you were wondering.
I see. Nothing to do with
this Scott radleigh business?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm just down here
checking up on somebody, that's all.
Now you just watch your step.
I don't like private detectives,
neverhave.
- Bloody amateurs.
- Yeah.
Well, if I can be of any assistance...
You just keep your nose out of it,
or you and me will fall out.
Right, now, if you'll excuse me,
I rather think
I'd better be getting along,
don't you?
- Do you mind if I ask you a question?
- No.
What were you doing
jumping up and down?
Oh, it was, er...
It was cramp.
I get terrible cramp.
You have to keep moving with it,
you see, otherwise...
Cramp?
Hello, wilfred crimble.
Press. My card.
- What?
- My card.
- Look, who let you in here?
- Good murder, this, innit?
- Fancy giving us an exclusive?
- Certainly not. Now shove off.
Not about how you're actually
a private detective.
How did you know that?
I overheard your conversation
with inspector hogg over there.
What's going on here?
Derek, deal with him, will you?
I've got to go.
Hello, crimble, press.
You one of the murder suspects?
- Well...
- Care to say a few words, would you? Slowly.
- Look".
- How well did you know the dead body?
"no
- comment.
- "Comment."
Man: Oi!
Where do you think you're goin'?
- Inside.
- You a member, are ya?
Well, no, but, er...
I'm supposed to be
meeting somebody here.
- Who?
- Well, I'm not sure, exactly.
What do you mean,
you're not sure?
Well, I won't know who it is
until I get inside, if you...
No, I don't, mate.
Oh, there must be a reservation booked.
Table number five.
Why?
Because that's where
I'm gonna meet whoever it is.
Table number five,
ten o'clock sharp.
- Nothing here.
- Look, it's important that I get in there.
- My name is... my name's judd Blake.
- Yeah?
Well, no, it isn't, actually.
It's Bob west. But, the thing is...
Look, I don't know
who you are, mate.
You're not a member,
you ain't got a table booked,
you dunno who you're
supposed to be meetin',
and I don't like ya,
so piss off.
- Now, wait a minute. Look...
- I told ya...
I've got to get in there.
It's very important.
- I've got to deliver this case.
- What's important?
All right, I'll level with ya.
I'm a private detective.
A private detective.
Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place?
'Course, that makes
all the difference.
Who?
Did he? Right.
Announcer:
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've been waiting for.
The star of our show,
the fabulous miss Lisa Moroni.
- You'll miss your cue.
- What? What?
I'm Moroni with an
not morone with an "e"
'cause morone with an "e"
means "stupid"
like time without a "t",
I'm a "p" without a bough
'cause I haven't got a bow like cupid
miss Helen of Troy,
when she didn't have a boy
sailed across the sea to Paris
and Mac with a Beth couldn't wait to get
when he rode behind his heiress
so little old me
with a m-o-r-o-n-i spells "Moroni"
I thought we booked four girls?
So who's the big ugly blonde?
lonely
so terribly lonely
like fromaggio
with no macaroni
so if a guy with a "y"
and a wherefore tries
to sample my salami
I'll wink with an eye
and please with these
Moroni
ain't that b-a-r-m-y, barmy?
- hey, you.
- What?
Er... nothing.
Lisa: I mean... I mean, I'm just...
Well, I'm just...
I'm just terrific.
I mean, you're terrific.
Oh, if momma could only
see me now, right?
Listen, er...
Now I'd like to do a song.
It really means very much to me.
Like...
Like being in the movies, or like...
Like being here tonight.
But, I want you to know,
this is my favourite song.
momma told me all about propriety
not getting stuck in a rut
but a girl's got to guard her integrity
so give me my diamonds uncut
and give me the real thing
make my pendulums swing
don't want no mail order thing
give me the r-e-a-I, real thing
real thing
good evening, my dear.
Delighted to see you.
What can I get you to drink?
A pint of bitter.
Pint of bitter
for a lovely little girl like you?
You should be drinking champagne.
Waiter, bring me a bottle of the
best champagne you have, will you?
I am sir basil lemmington.
Call me baz if you like,
it makes no difference to me.
What's your name?
Look, let's leave names
out of it, shall we?
You coy little temptress, you!
Pardon my asking, but you have
the most delightful set of knockers.
Or have you?
I can't see from here.
Come here and let me
have a better look.
Lisa:
they live life the nouveau riche way
you know all I need is a roof and a bed
as long as it's in Saint-tropez
give me the real thing, come on
and make my pendulums swing
look, let's stop fooling around
and get down to business, shall we?
- How much?
- 50,000.
Fifty thousand?
It's a bit pricey, isn't it?
I've never paid more than forty.
All right, all right, forty.
Let's not quibble.
The thing is, how do I know
you've got the goods?
I beg your pardon?
Well, you don't think I'm going to
give you what you want
without seeing
what you've got, do you?
You don't think I'm gonna get it
out here and show you, do you?
Well, there might
be something missing.
There wasn't this morning.
Yes, but how am I
supposed to know that?
What kind of a sucker
do you take me for?
Anyway, I'm not doing anything
until I've seen what you've got.
don't want no mail order thing
and give me the r-e-a-I, real thing
real thing
supposing somebody sees?
Get it out under the table.
Just a quick flash.
All right, I will if you will.
don't want no mail order thing
and give me the r-e-a-I, real thing
just a quick glimpse,
that's all you're getting,
and then I want those negatives.
What negatives?
The negatives I'm
supposed to be buying.
Basil: I'll buy you anything
if you'll come back to my place.
Thank you. No, that's fine.
I'll be fine. Really. Thank you.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Look, I expect you're wondering
what I'm doing behind the curtain,
- dressed like this, but...
- Happens all the time.
- Autograph hunters, they'll try anything.
- No, no.
Look, I'm a private detective.
- I've come to...
- You're the guy rosco's looking for?
- Ssh.
- Isn't this terrific?
You know, ever since
I was a little girl,
I've had secret fantasies
about dicks.
Are you here to investigate
the boss's illegal activities?
No, no, no, no.
Nothing like that.
But, listen, you don't know
what you're missing.
I'm engaged to his son, legs Luigi.
Oh, Lisa Moroni, by the way.
You've probably heard of me.
I'm an international superstar.
What did you say your name was?
- Blake. Judd Blake.
- Judd Blake?
- Yeah.
- The judd Blake?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that is terrific.
Listen. What are you investigating?
Murder, blackmail?
Murder and blackmail.
Well, that's terrific.
How can I help you?
Well, for a start,
you could get me out of here.
I've got an idea.
Okay, fellas, could you just
bring it in here? Be very careful.
There are valuable things in it.
Place it down there. All good.
That's beautiful. Thank you, fellas,
thank you. Okay. Thank you.
- Where are we?
- Oh, this is my place.
- You okay?
- I've gone all stiff.
- Really?
- Look, I'm, er...
I'm very grateful to you
for helping me get out of...
Listen, it's nothing.
You can show your gratitude later.
Maybe you'd care to
take a shower, huh?
Bathroom's through there.
Oh, I'll fix us a couple of drinks.
All right.
I can't stay too long.
I've got to get back so as I can
finish off solving the case I'm on.
So, what's a couple of hours?
Terrific.
Drink?
Thanks.
- Legs.
- Bugsy. What are you doing here, huh?
You been with my Lisa?
I kill you, I kill you.
We just took some costumes
up to her apartment, that's all.
How do I know
you tell me the truth, huh?
On my mother's grave,
I swear it.
Your mother is not even dead.
So, is that my fault?
Nobody makes a fool
of legs Luigi, huh?
The one thing I don't like is
other men being with my Lisa.
They start getting ideas.
Usually the ones
that she gives them.
I'm Moroni with an
not morone with an "e"
'cause morone with an "e"
means "moron"
right, you two stand guard here, huh?
Surprise, surprise.
Lisa, it's me, your little legs.
Lisa?
Hey, Lisa, open the door. Lisa?
Lisa:
Legs! Fancy you coming round.
- Legs: Who is in the shower?
- Lisa: Oh, no-one.
Legs: I don't believe you.
There's somebody in the shower.
Lisa: You're crazy. I was running
that shower for myself
how come the door,
she is locked from the inside, huh?
You know what these doors are like,
they're always sticking.
See?
Oh, legs! Legs!
Legs, my darling!
- Oh, legs.
- Lisa.
I got some flowers for you, huh.
These are men's clothes.
What are they doing here, huh?
- Ah... costumes!
- Costumes?
Yeah, for a new number
I've been rehearsing.
follow the yellow brick road, ha-ha
costumes, huh?
You've got somebody in here.
A man, yes? Where is he, huh?
You know, you can really be
a jerk sometimes. You're so jealous!
Mamma Mia, I kill him, I kill him.
Where is he, huh?
Legs... legs, don't be...
Legs! Legs, listen.
- Legs, there is nobody here. Really.
- Hiding in the wardrobe, huh?
Really, legs.
Legs: He must be here.
Lisa: No. There isn't, legs.
- There is no-one here.
- Under the bed, huh?
- Legs.
- Under the bed.
- No, nobody under the bed.
- If I get him, I kill him.
Under the bed, huh?
- Or behind the curtains.
- Jesus Christ.
A-ha!
Behind the curtains, huh?
You're laughing
at your little legs, huh?
You think I'm stupid, huh?
Well, itell you.
Nobody laughs at legs Luigi.
Um... legs, um... why don't we
just have a drink, huh?
- Right. Then I rip your knickers off, huh?
- Terrific.
I'll hang up the coat
and you get the drinks, huh?
You say no. No, I tell you. You get
the drinks, I put the jacket away.
What do you think I am? Stupid?
Nobody makes a fool
of legs Luigi, huh? Nobody.
Nobody makes a fool of legs Luigi.
Nobody makes a fool...
I need the drink.
Hey, legs, I got a better idea.
Why don't we just skip the drinks
and do the knickers bit instead, huh?
Sounds like a good idea.
What you doing, huh?
You spoil the buttons on my shirt.
Don't be so silly, darling.
Don't you know
I'm so divinely decadent.
- Okay, Valentino. Hit it!
- Oh, Lisa, my darling.
It's no good.
Something must have happened.
Otherwise he wouldn't have
stayed out all night.
- You know what he's like.
- Yes, that's what worries me.
Well, maybe he found out who
the blackmailer was and got held up.
Maybe he's found out
who the blackmailer is
and got himself murdered.
- No, I'll have to go and get the police.
- What, you're going to phone them?
No, somebody might hear me, and
that somebody might be the blackmailer.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, you stay here in case he comes back.
I just hope he won't be too hurt
when he finds out about us.
It could break his heart.
I have that effect on men, you know.
I'll go and get the police.
Morning, craddock. Blake in?
I haven't seen him, sir.
He's probably upstairs in his room.
Right.
I've got something really good here.
Great.
- Haven't you ever heard of knocking?
- Oh, no!
You miss more scoops that way.
Yes, well you're not going to
have one of me starkers, for a start.
This is slightly more important.
Right, where's judd?
I want to show him this.
I was thumbing through the back issues
of the newspaper last night and I found it.
What about it?
Well, look at it!
Look at the photo of the regatta.
Who is standing there?
Can't see a thing without my glasses.
Hang on.
It's that bloke who was murdered,
Scott radleigh.
Can you see who he's standing next to?
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah.
Now, my deal is this.
I won't take this to the police,
if judd will give us an exclusive on
whatever it is he's up to at the moment.
- Conniving little sod, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Where's judd, then?
That's what we'd all like to know.
Bob: Lisa.
Lisa!
- I'm freez...
- Ssh!
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot, huh?
- Oh, no, please.
- Oh, my!
- No, please.
- Say your prayers, my friend.
No, no, please. Please!
I'll cut you into little pieces!
- You tryin' to make a fool...
- No, listen...
Couldn't we talk this over?
No, please.
Isn't it terrible? He just fainted.
Oh, terrific!
Shit!
Shalom.
Hi-yah!
Mr purdy.
Purdy & purdy, solicitors.
Ah, yes. You were expected, sir.
Well, if you could
assemble everyone together,
so that I can dispose of this business
of the late mr Ashley dotrice's will
and hand over the estate accordingly.
- Most definitely, sir.
- Craddock!
Have you seen miss Sutton
anywhere about?
I believe she went to the stables.
Come on.
Here! You're supposed to be dead.
Sorry to disappoint you, love.
I discharged myself
from hospital this morning.
- You haven't got the money, have you?
- It's in the house.
So are the negatives,
with my partner,
who should be handing them
over to mr purdy any minute now.
Looks like you've lost the estate,
doesn't it, darling?
Oh, no, it doesn't.
You see, we happen to know
who your partner is.
- You're bluffing.
- Show him, wilfred.
Listen, if I don't turn up
inside that house
in the next few minutes
to say you've paid up,
purdy will get those negatives.
What you going to do, darling?
Shoot us?
You weren't very successful last time,
were you?
This time I'll make sure.
I never did like the look of her
from the start.
Woman: Hey!
Look, I'm...
I'm sorry about
your car, love, but...
- Can't get the key out.
- Stand back. Let me.
"These terms named
miss Laura Sutton
"as sole heir to
his whole estate and fortune.
"And this inheritance is to take place
at twelve noon today,
- "on the 25th of this month..."
- It was her!
"Shut not thy merciful ears
to our prayer,
"but spare us, lord most holy,
o god most mighty."
"O holy and merciful saviour, thou...
"Thou most worthyjudge eternal,
"suffer us not at our last hour
for any pains of..."
Bob: Where am I?
Here, give us a hand...
Brakes!
Amateur, Robert, amateur.
I did almost solve it.
Hmm. You shouldn't have
been solving anything.
A little slower and a little lower please,
miss Walker.
Don't be too hard on him,
mr Blake.
After all, everything has worked out
all right in the end.
Maud and I are getting engaged.
The estate going to the two daughters,
as it should.
Radleigh and Clarissa inside for blackmail,
and Laura for attempted murder.
Yes, I never did like the look of her
from the start.
Derek: There is one thing
I don't quite understand.
Who was it that Bob was supposed
to meet in the club that night?
Somebody Clarissa or Scott would have
sent along to do the pick-up.
It's very simple.
In fact, from the sound of it,
the whole case was pretty obvious
from the start.
Yeah. Well...
I nearly got it right.
Yes, well, you don't become
a famous detective
by nearly getting
things right, Robert.
But I had suspects.
I'm very good at suspects.
I think you should be grateful
I haven't decided to fire you.
I am, mr Blake.
Good, then how would you like
to crack a case for me?
Really?
What kind of case is it, mr Blake?
A case of champagne to celebrate
that young couple's happy engagement.
callin' all cars,
it's a quarter to three
there's nobody home and it's worryin' me
it goes without sayin'
that she's only playin' with me
and I'm losin' sleep
'cause I've got to keep my eye on you
you've been double-dealing
left and right
you're at home but you're not alone
and I know that's true
I've got information from
information from my private eye
- information from
- backing vocals: information from
information from my private eye
Wake up.
Morning, mr prentiss.
You're up early.
Up early?
I'm on nights this week.
Male singer: I'm losing sleep
'cause I've got to keep an eye on you
you cannot be trusted for one night
you're at home but you're not alone
I know that's true
I got information from
information from my private eye
I can't mention names
but I heard of the games
have been going on
you've been double-dealing
left and right
and it hurts me so
but I got to know
be it right or wrong
all that information from
information from my private eye
my private eye
gonna keep tabs, gonna tell a story
my private eye
always checkin' up on you
oh, my private eye
got a lot of friends, gonna tell a story
callin' all cars,
it's a quarter to three
there's nobody home
and it's worrying me
it goes without saying
that she's only playing with me
It's true, you know.
Crime is on the increase.
Certainly too much
for the police to handle.
That's where people like us come in.
Oh, I'm Bob west, by the way.
Private detective.
Excuse me. Can you tell me
where flash street is, please?
Yeah, you go through
the first set of traffic lights,
to the second set,
and then you turn left.
- Thanks, mate.
- All right.
You see, the trouble with
most people today
is they're not observant.
They walk around
with their eyes closed,
and that's just what
the criminal type's looking for.
This is where I work.
If ever there was a glamorous job,
this has gotta be it.
Fast cars, private yachts.
Flying off to assignments
in exotic places.
Fantastic.
Not that I do any of that,
but the bloke I work for,
he does it all the time.
And, of course, need I say it?
Women.
You know, I've never known a fella cram
so many beautiful women into one day.
My boss goes through secretaries
like a chain-smoker.
This one only started this morning.
Amateur. Peering through keyholes
is for the amateur.
I wasn't actually, mr Blake.
I just thought I'd dropped
something on the floor.
Mmm. Bugging.
Now, that's the professional way.
Bugging.
Yes. And, like everything else,
purely a matter of technique.
Now you stick with me,
and you'll soon learn
to be a successful bugger.
Hurry up, miss Walker. I want
to be out of here in five minutes.
Blake: Case, Robert, case.
You mean you want me to handle one
while you're away, mr Blake?
No, I want you to hand me one now.
- My briefcase.
- Oh.
I trust I'm doing the right thing,
leaving you in charge of this office
while I'm away.
I'll handle things while you're away,
mr Blake. Don't you worry about that.
Watch it! But that's just it,
I don't want you to handle things.
Just keep an eye on the place.
That'll be quite sufficient.
Well...
Is there nothing I can do
while you're away?
I mean, finish off
a case or something?
To work on
even the simplest of cases
requires a vast
reservoir of experience.
Well, I've been here
three months.
Look, I'm talking of years,
Robert, years.
You haven't even asked me
to follow anybody yet.
Right, I shall be gone
for about four days.
Any problems, you know
where to contact me.
Hotel majestic, Beirut.
Oh, by the way, I've arranged
for a temporary secretary
to deputise for miss Walker.
All right?
She should have been here
first thing this morning, but she's late.
- Right, miss Walker.
- Don't you worry about a thing, mr Blake.
I'll make sure everything's
running smoothly for you.
Look, just take the messages,
that's all.
Don't start messing in things
which don't concern you.
No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Blake: Come on.
Have a nice time.
Hello.
That'll be the new secretary, I bet.
Oh, I can just see her now.
Soft blonde hair,
lovely, slender little body,
deep sensitive eyes.
Gubbidge. Maud gubbidge.
I'm the new secretary
from rent-a-temp.
Rent-a-what?
But there must be a mistake.
I mean...
This is the Blake detective agency,
isn't it?
I was told to report to a mr west.
Is that you?
Well, yeah, but I was expecting
somebody a bit...
- Older?
- Well...
Now, the last boss I had,
he kept making
improper suggestions to me.
I hope you're not
going to be like that.
- Like what?
- Keep making improper suggestions.
Oh, no... way.
Good. As long as the only thing I have
to take down is shorthand, I don't mind.
You see, er... it was my body
that was the trouble.
Yeah, I can see that.
- He couldn't keep his hands off it.
- Really.
It got so bad, it was just unbearable,
so I had to hand in my notice.
He said I aroused
his primeval impulse.
Mind you...
I seem to have that effect
on men, you know.
Well, if, er...
If you wouldn't mind answering
the door, please, miss, er...
Gubbidge. Maud gubbidge.
- Yes, what do you want?
- Blake detective agency?
- That'll be all right, miss garbage.
- Gubbidge.
- Yes, yes. If you'd like to step this way.
- Mr judd Blake?
Well...
- Laura Sutton.
- How do you do?
Mr Blake, I'll come
straight to the point.
I want you to handle a case
for me immediately.
- Oh, yes. But I'm not...
- No, no, no. I'll explain.
You see, I used to be
a professional model.
And to be quite honest,
I led a rather...
Wild life.
That is, until I met Ashley.
Ashley dotrice.
Then, it was love at first sight.
The fact that he was eighty-seven,
a multi-millionaire
with a bad heart condition,
had nothing to do with it, naturally.
Well, naturally. But, you see,
the thing is, I'm not...
And, last week,
we were supposed to be married.
Well, I thought it best
we didn't have a long engagement.
I mean, he'd already had
three heart attacks since last Christmas.
Last week,
he had a fourth and died.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
Hmm? Oh, yes, of course,
I was terribly upset.
Now the point is
that I'm due to inherit
his entire estate on the 25th.
Well, that's very nice,
but the thing is, I...
Yes, but you see,
the trouble is Ashley.
Darling Ashley. You see,
he was under the impression
that I was still a virgin.
Oh, really?
Really?
According to the terms of the will,
I only inherit everything
if I've done nothing to bring
the family name into disrepute.
So, you see, I have a problem.
- Problem?
- Well...
I have a number of...
Explicit photographs of myself
with a gentleman in...
A compromising situation.
- Oh!
- I would like you to see them.
- Oh, yeah. I'd love to, yeah.
- I feel I should explain...
Well, just pass them over
and, en"
let me have a look.
You see, they came through the post
yesterday morning.
Yes, well, I think I should, er...
Take a look, and, er...
They came with a note
threatening to send them
to Ashley's solicitor
unless I pay 50,000.
Yes, well, I can see
you've got a problem there,
but if I could just have a...
Have a look at them, er...
Mr Blake, I'm at my wits' end.
Oh, come on.
They can't be that bad.
Wow.
Exactly.
Needless to say,
I don't have that kind of money.
What?
I said, I don't have
that kind of money.
I can't touch any of the estate
until I inherit it on the 25th,
and, if I ask for some kind
of a loan, then...
Well, somebody
might get suspicious.
You know, you...
You photograph very well.
Thank you.
What I want you to do
is to catch the blackmailer
and get me the negatives.
It's incredible definition as well.
You do see the position I'm in?
You're in a very awkward position,
I can see that.
But, mr Blake,
what do you think?
Oh, I think they're great.
Especially the one
with the stick of rock...
Yes, well, um...
I think I should be able to fit you in,
in between commitments.
Who do you reckon it is?
If I knew who it was,
I wouldn't be here
employing you, mr Blake.
Yes, quite.
Just testing you, that's all.
Well, I think I'll kick off by
- following up a few leads.
- A few leads?
Yes. You don't happen
to have any, do you?
- Scott!
- Who?
The person on the picture.
Oh, yes, I hadn't noticed him.
He's a photographer.
It could have been
a set-up job, but...
Yes, well.
You know, I don't think
this is going to be
a particularly difficult
case to solve, miss...
Sutton.
Just leave it with me
for a few days.
Everything will be all right.
Oh, don't worry.
They'll be, er...
They'll be safely under lock and key.
Everything is kept strictly
confidential in this business.
You're out of your head.
How can you take on
a job like this?
It's amazing what you can do
with a garlic sausage.
Oh, it's an open-and-shut case.
There's absolutely nothing to it.
Anyway, it's a cucumber, isn't it?
Nothing to it?
You don't know the first thing
about being a private detective.
It's definitely a sausage.
I've seen the way Blake does it.
It's dead easy.
It's just plain common sense.
Nothing more.
I'll get these.
It's all right, Bob, I'll get 'em.
Anyway, I've got ambition, haven't I?
If I hadn't, I'd probably still be stuck
in that boring old insurance office.
Might be all right for you,
Derek, but me...
I'm going places.
I still say you're trying to run
before you can walk.
Like you always do.
That bicycle pump
must have been painful.
Anyway, what about her thinking
you're Blake? That is fraud.
Yeah, well, I'll tell her afterwards,
when it's all over.
All right, Sherlock,
what's your first move?
Well, first, I'm gonna check out
this photographer guy.
Do you know, I think
he's hiding the negatives at his flat.
And what are you going to do?
Knock on the door and say,
"excuse me, I'm a private detective.
"I think you're
blackmailing my client.
"Please, may I come in
and search the place?"
Very funny. No, I'm gonna
go to that flat in disguise...
Put them away.
- Mr radleigh?
- Mr radleigh's out at the moment.
Well, I'm from the, er...
Health department.
Rodent and pest control.
I've come to have
a look at your mice.
- Mice? I haven't seen any mice.
- Oh.
Well, anyway, I can't
hang about here all day.
I mean, I've got
a schedule to keep to,
and I've got to do
the whole area. Er...
Well, I suppose it'll be all right.
I do hope you're not
gonna make a mess.
I've just done in here,
you know.
No, no, I'll just, er...
Hunt round for any little signs,
and, en" then lay a few traps.
You don't do ants, do you?
- W hat?
- Ants.
Oh, yeah, we do 'em all.
Ants, mice, rats,
cockroaches, weevils.
Only, where I live,
they come in from the garden.
Harry, that's my husband,
he found a couple in his
cornflakes the other morning.
I mean, there they were, just swimmin'
around as though they owned the place.
Ant powder,
that's what you need.
Well, you can't very well
put that in cornflakes, can you?
I don't suppose
you'll find any in there.
Well, you never know.
I mean, they eat all sorts, you know.
Clothes, woodwork, paper...
Photographs.
You, er...
You haven't got any photographs
lying around, have you?
Or negatives?
- They love negatives, you know.
- I wouldn't know about that.
I'm just the home help.
You'd have to ask mr radleigh.
Oh, I was just making myself
a nice cup of tea.
I don't suppose you'd fancy one?
That's very kind.
Thank you very much.
Mrs horne:
What are you doing down there?
Oh, just looking for droppings.
Well, you won't find any of those.
I've only just hoovered.
- Do you take sugar?
- No, thanks.
Oh, yes. Well, I'm always finding
things like that about the place.
He has women here, you know.
I don't mind
the black ones so much.
It's the big red ones
I can't stand.
- W hat?
- Ants.
Oh, ants.
My Harry found a couple in his bed
the other night.
Gave him a terrible fright.
He thought it was crabs.
Mind you, he's a funny man.
He always did attract
nasty, creepy-crawly things.
- Oh, my god, he's back already.
- What?
Quick, clear these things up.
Mrs horne: Oh, mr radleigh,
you did give me a surprise!
I was just finishing off.
Who's he?
Well, I hope I did right, mr radleigh.
This gentleman is from the government.
From, er... pest control.
Oh, yes?
What are you, a free sample?
He says he's come about the mice.
He's come about the...
- What mice?!
- Well, I'm investigating the...
Yes, well, we haven't
got any around here,
so go and do your
investigating somewhere else.
- Go on.
- Goodbye.
Where the bloody hell's my camera?
Mrs horne, have you moved it?
'Cause I put it over there.
Oh, yes.
I do remember seeing it.
"Oh, yes. I do remember seeing it."
Well, don't look at me,
I'm only the, er...
Cleaner.
What do you want to
borrow them for?
I'm going to spy on him.
What are you trying to do?
Get yourself arrested?
Well, what I should have done
was bug the place.
I mean, it's definitely him.
Nasty type.
A blackmailer if ever I saw one.
Did you get the negatives?
No, but, er...
I found a camera.
That proves it.
You twit!
What's that got to do with it?
I've got a camera.
Everybody's got a camera.
Yeah, but not like this one.
It had a big lens on it.
Well, it would do, wouldn't it?
He's a photographer.
Well, precisely.
Look, why don't you just admit
you haven't got the faintest idea
about what you're doing
and let's all get some rest.
What, when I've nearly
solved the case?
Anyway, look,
it's time I was going.
Look, Derek, believe it or not,
I do know what I'm doing.
Woman: Emergency.
Which service do you require?
Police.
I hope you don't think I do this
with every photographer I work with.
No, of course not.
Well, I can't see anyone.
He must have gone.
Only there was definitely
someone outside
prowling about in the bushes.
Now, now, miss friggin.
That makes three you say
you've seen in the past week.
Now, they can't all have been
sex maniacs, can they?
Oh, I don't agree. There are
a lot of them about, you know.
You've really no cause for alarm.
A lot of them go for
older women now.
It said so in the papers.
Well, don't you worry
about it, miss friggin.
Anyone tries to molest you,
we are only around the corner.
Well, anyway, I always
look under my bed,
just to make sure.
But there's never anybody there.
That's right.
You keep doing that.
And I always wear a wedding ring
whenever I go out.
It's where they hang about,
you know,
behind those bushes.
- Scott.
- Mmm?
- What's this?
- Mmm?
It feels like a lump of cheese.
What?
God knows.
Right, where were we?
Policeman: Oi! You down there.
Police. Hold it! Hey!
Hello, love.
How did it go last night?
Terrific.
- Like my new outfit?
- Mmm?
I couldn't resist it.
Well, it's terribly me.
Don't you think?
Yeah, it's...
Terrible.
Oh, er... that woman,
- miss Sutton phoned up for you.
- Oh, yeah?
Now, personally,
I never liked the look of her,
the minute I clapped eyes on her.
What did she want?
I suppose some men
might find her attractive,
but it's only the way
she's done her make-up.
Yes, all right.
What did she want?
Of course, I don't need any of that,
you understand,
not with my basic primitive sexuality.
Never mind all that.
Mind you, a lot of it's to do
with the way you dress.
- Look, miss cribbage.
- Gubbidge, but you can call me maud.
Look, are you going to tell me
what she wanted, or not?
She wants you to
go and stay with her.
- She what?
- That's what she said.
She wants you to catch a train
first thing tomorrow morning
and go down and stay with her
in the country.
Oh. Great.
- Hello there.
- Hello, mr Blake.
I suppose you are wondering
why I asked you down here.
I think I can guess, Laura.
Obviously, it mustn't appear
as if we're having an affair.
Oh, I'll be very discreet,
don't worry.
I mean, the slightest hint
of a scandal, and...
Well, I'll lose everything.
There's absolutely no need
for anybody to find out.
Well, I have paved the way.
I've said you're an old friend
just down for a few days.
Good idea. Very good idea.
Er, told who?
Well, Ashley's relatives, of course.
They came down for the funeral.
All key suspects,
obviously, huh?
Well, they think that the estate
should have gone
to his daughters,
Violet and medea.
Oh, there you have your motive.
And then, of course,
there's Violet's husband, Sydney,
and her stepdaughter, Clarissa.
Mmm. Well, I'll soon have
that lot sorted out.
What you will find interesting
is that Scott arrived
late last night
and he's staying in the town.
Oh, really? That is interesting.
Very interesting.
Hmm.
Right, then, er...
Let's go, shall we?
Oh, by the way, er...
Where are we going?
Ashley's estate.
Oh, I'd rather thought we'd have
booked into some little hotel,
just the two of us.
Whatever for?
Well...
Oh, Ashley's estate, grimsdyke manor.
Grimsdyke manor.
Craddock, this is mr Blake.
Would you take his things
to the west wing, please?
Craddock: Certainly, madam.
Your coat, sir.
- Pardon?
- Your coat, sir.
Thank you.
- Medea dotrice, judd Blake.
- Oh, how...
Medea:
I see the Mark of death on you.
Laura:
Judd's just staying for a few days.
Yes, I can sense
he won't be with us for very long.
I have the second sight.
Would you like some breakfast?
Breakfast?
I expect you'll be hungry
after your journey.
Oh, yes. Thanks very much.
- Not there!
- Over here.
This is Violet, medea's sister.
Bob: Pleased to meet you.
Oh, nothing passes between my lips
unless it's organic.
Violet's a vegetarian.
I notice you didn't introduce
your friend to me, Laura.
Vi's my stepmother.
I'm Clarissa.
Hello.
Pig's flesh!
And the embryo
of an unborn chicken.
- I beg your pardon?
- On your plate.
It's not good for you, you know.
Medea: Oh... the tea leaves.
I see nothing ahead but misery,
torment,
and blood.
Man: Morning! Morning! Morning!
Oh, god. Ah, breakfast.
The morning is bright,
so don't look so glum,
'cause, if you do,
I shall smack your bum.
Violet: Must you be so crude
first thing in the morning?
You've no sense of humour, vi.
I've told you that before.
Sense of humour?
Here? Knowing that...
Oh!
Let me introduce you.
Judd Blake, Sydney Burke.
Ah, yes.
Yes...
Violet: Would you like some
vitamin and iron tablets?
- They're very good for you, you know.
- Um... no, thanks.
I've weak blood, you see.
For god's sake, vi,
I'm trying to drink me breakfast.
Blood!
Sydney: Now, see what you've done.
You've set her off now.
Oh, Syd, don't say
anything to upset me.
You know how my nerves are.
I can't take it any more.
You, er...
You all live here, do you?
Here?
Live here?
Knowing that...
No, we, er...
We have a house in esher.
Sydney built it.
He's a building contractor.
Do you remember that block of flats
that fell down last year?
They were his.
Rows and rows of concrete,
all around the town.
I forgot to put the girders in,
they all fell down!
Sydney:
What business you in, then?
- Er... ornithology.
- He's an 'orny-what?
Laura: Bird watching.
- Tits!
- Oh!
You get to see a lot of those,
isuppose!
Well, they're birds, aren't they?
They call it
"the bird from hell".
- What?
- Oh, it's just a superstition.
Legend has it
that all who are unfaithful
to the owners of grimsdyke manor
shall die screaming
in the claws of a monstrous demon.
Sydney: She means
that bloody great
stuffed thing
hanging up in the hall.
Sometimes at night, its ghostly voice
can be heard across the moors,
screaming out for blood!
Right, I'm off to the river.
See you later, everybody.
But you haven't eaten anything.
Oh, do have a yeast tablet.
No, thank you.
I, er...
I don't want to appear, er...
Curious, but tell me...
Marmaduke.
You silly bitch.
Marmaduke grimsdyke.
We don't talk about
marmaduke grimsdyke.
There's a young gentleman outside
to see you, miss Sutton.
A mr radleigh.
Oh, thank you, craddock.
Will you tell him to wait in the hall?
Craddock: Very good.
Sydney: Not some dark secret from
your murky past, Laura, surely?
So, how long have you
been here, then?
Oh, two or three minutes.
Butler said to wait in the hall.
Clarissa:
I say, what are you doing?
- Oh, hello.
- What are you doing?
I'm, er... bird spotting.
How exciting.
What was your name again?
Judd. Judd Blake.
You're not related to the
hurlington Blakes, by any chance?
No, I shouldn't think so.
I'm Clarissa.
Yes, I remember.
Do you fancy a little row
down the river?
Well, um...
Come on, it might be fun.
All right, then.
Hadn't you better untie it first?
- Rowlocks.
- W hat?
You haven't got them
in your rowlocks.
Oh, yeah.
- So, how long have you known her, then?
- Known who?
- Laura.
- Not long.
Weren't getting jealous, were you?
- Jealous? No, no.
- Who is he, anyway?
I don't know.
Probably a good friend, I expect.
Looks a bit more than a friend to me.
Yes, well, I wouldn't
know about that.
I think you were spying on them.
And what makes you think that, then?
Intuition.
Oh! Oh, dear!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Quick! Grab hold of this.
Thank you very much.
I've just wet my trousers, haven't I?
Clarissa: Oh, goodness! Oh! Oh!
Clarissa: Don't worry,
no-one can see us here.
Bob: Mmm, Clarissa...
Clarissa: Oh, judd...
Man: In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
Put your backs into it!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
In! Out!
Derek: Idiot!
What the devil does he think
he's playing at?
Doesn't look very good, does it?
What the hell's Blake gonna say
when he finds out?
You can see everything.
I knew it.
He's just gonna get himself
in deeper and deeper
until he doesn't know
where he's at.
She's quite pretty, I suppose.
If you like that sort of thing.
We'll have to go down there
first thing in the morning
and make sure he doesn't get into
any more trouble.
What are you doing here?
Um...
Just admiring the decorations.
It's a lovely place you've got here.
I foresaw a death in my tea leaves.
Someone is about to die.
I can sense it.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
There's people popping up
and disappearing all over the place.
You know, I suspect there's
a secret panel here somewhere.
There are, lots of them.
Have you found out
who it is yet?
No. I'm just searching
for some clues.
But don't worry, as soon as
I find some, I'll know who it is.
Look, um...
I was thinking, you know, er...
Later on tonight...
I don't suppose, er...
You, er... fancy a quick one...
I mean, if you're nervous
about sleeping alone,
I don't mind...
That's all right.
I always lock my door.
- You always lock your door?
- Mm-hmm.
Very wise.
Good night, judd.
If I were you,
I'd lock yours, too.
Can I help you, sir?
Pardon?
- Oh!
- Can I help you, sir?
That, er...
That big bird, it's, er...
Very interesting.
The grimsdyke vulture, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
Who's the, er...
Who's the fellow
in the chain mail?
Marmaduke grimsdyke.
We don't talk about him, sir.
I don't know why you made me
come all the way out here.
Why couldn't you have
come to the hotel?
Are you just going to stand there
or are you going to give it to me?
Hello, there!
Hello, Percy!
Been a good boy, then?
What... what's happened?
It was an accident.
I fell on top of him. He's out cold.
- Have you got any smelling salts?
- Who is it?
Oh! It's Scott.
Whatever's he doing here?
He's not breathing.
Oh, my god, I've killed him.
- He's been shot.
- It was an accident, I fell on top of him. I...
- He's been what?
- Look.
Look, the thing to do is to keep
perfectly calm and not panic.
So don't panic. Don't panic!
Let's go and get the police.
I'll phone the police,
and then we'll go and get the police.
No. No, no. No, wait!
- Will you wait?
- What?
Obviously, it isn't an accident.
- What, you mean he's been murdered?
- Yes.
Oh, my god.
Listen.
What do you phone for the police?
Christ, it's on the tip of my tongue.
What is it?
- I mean...
- Just wait. Will you just wait?
Yeah, but you don't understand.
He's been murdered!
I know.
But if you stop rushing into things,
and let me think clearly.
Think clearly. Yes, that's very good.
Think clearly. Think...
999. That's what it is.
I knew it was something...
Oh, before you do anything,
just sit down and let me think.
Look.
If he was shot outside,
we'd have heard it. Right?
- Right.
- Right!
Therefore, he must have...
Crawled there,
or been placed there by somebody.
For what possible reason?
Don't you see?
To incriminate me.
That's exactly the kind of scandal
that everybody was waiting for.
- We'll have to hide it.
- What?!
Will you shut up?
If we can just delay him
being found for a few days,
until the estate is mine.
After that, it doesn't matter.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, judd, darling.
That is the answer.
What about the police?
I mean, you can't just go around
hiding dead bodies.
You know, there's a law against
that sort of thing.
Nobody will ever know.
There's a quarry not far from here.
He wouldn't be found for days.
No, I'm sorry, Laura.
Absolutely, definitely,
emphatically "no".
But what we're really doing is
helping the police.
Are we?
Well, Scott wasn't murdered here.
He was murdered somewhere else,
so, by us moving the body,
we're stopping the police
from being confused.
I don't think they'll see it
quite like that, somehow.
Especially if they find out.
Good evening, craddock.
Good night, madam.
As soon as it's light,
you can get rid of it properly.
What do you mean,
"as soon as it's light"?
Well, it's going to
look suspicious if you
try and get rid of it
in the middle of the night.
Oh, judd, you don't know
what this means to me.
About...
About ten years, I should think,
if they find out.
Come on.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
I shouldn't think
you can see much behind
with that on the back.
Well, I... I saw you.
It's contrary to the motor vehicles
construction and use regulations,
section 40, sub-paragraph 5,
road traffic act 1972.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, officer,
I didn't realise that I was, er...
Contravening...
Where's your spare wheel?
Well, it's in the back,
isuppose.
- Why?
- You're gonna need it.
You got a flat tyre.
Right, sir, if you'd care
to get out of the car,
I'll give you a hand.
- It shouldn't take long.
- That's all right, officer.
Actually, I can manage on my own.
It's going to be okay.
In spite of what the public thinks,
we do like to help sometimes.
Now you're gonna
need a hand with this,
otherwise you'll
never get the wheel out.
Right, if you'd like to
take the other end.
Ready? One, two, three, hup!
What have you got in here, then?
A body?
It's all right, actually,
thank you, officer.
I can manage very well now.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Oh, all right, then. Bye.
Did, er...
I leave my gloves here?
Oh! There they are.
Woman: Having a spot of bother?
Yes.
I thought you were.
I'm Sally.
I'm a housewife.
Really?
Rather boring, really,
being a housewife.
Would you like a cup of tea?
No, thank you.
Would you like to
wash your hands?
Well, yes, I wouldn't mind actually.
Thanks very much.
Sally:
I did enjoy our little chat outside.
It was really interesting.
Fascinating.
That's how you get to
know people, isn't it?
By chatting.
Have you, er...
- Have you got a towel?
- Pink or blue?
- Well, I'm easy.
- I thought you might be.
You've got that look about you.
I knew you'd be
just game for anything
the moment I saw you out there.
No, no. I didn't mean that...
Does it do things for you?
I see all the sex films, you know.
Hot lust and sweaty thighs.
Nuns in rubber.
Now look, I mean, I didn't...
I just... I thought that...
Well, ordinary sex
gets so boring, doesn't it?
Especially with Frederick.
He's my husband.
He's got no imagination.
Not like the milkman.
You'd be amazed what he gets up to
with his extra pinta.
Then it's into the high heel boots
and gestapo uniform
for a quick bit of the night Porter
with the gasman.
Got it?
How about
a bit of last tango in Paris?
- I've got loads of butter in the fridge.
- Oh, Christ.
I would have suggested deep throat,
but I tried it with the window cleaner
last week and nearly choked myself.
Look, love. I only came in here
to get me hands washed.
Oh! I love it
when they play hard to get.
Leave it out!
- Lost it?
- It was an accident.
Lost it? How could you?
Well, I just turned my back
for a second, that's all,
and then it was gone.
- Look, I was washing my hands.
- Washing your hands?
Look, I had to
change the wheel, didn't I?
And then this woman came out.
But that was after the...
The policeman pulled me up.
Well, he didn't exactly pull me up.
But he wanted to change the wheel,
I had to help him, otherwise it would
have looked suspicious, wouldn't it?
I had to and I did.
And then this funny woman came out
with kinky black leather boots, whip...
The trunk! Where is it?
Oh!
Oh, no. What are you two
doing down here?
Why? What have you done now?
I don't believe it.
I just do not believe it.
Even you couldn't be that stupid.
All right, all right.
I'll admit there's been
a slight error ofjudgement
on my part, but...
"Error of..."! Do you realise
what you've got yourself into?
Following somebody about
with binoculars is one thing,
but murder?
You've really landed
yourself in it this time.
Well, it's no good
you keep going on about it.
I mean,
I didn't murder him, did I?
I'll admit that things haven't gone
quite as I'd liked them to, but...
There's no talking to him.
I give up. I just give up.
Oh, I'm sure he was
only trying to help.
I told you not to take
this case in the first place,
but you wouldn't listen to me.
Yeah, but I've solved it.
I mean, I know who murdered him.
It's just a... just a question
of proving it, that's all.
What do you mean,
you know who murdered him?
I do. His accomplice.
Then why haven't you
told the police?
Well, because I'm not quite sure
exactly who the accomplice is yet,
- but I've got some suspects.
- Suspects.
You wait until you see how strange
the Butler's been acting lately.
What does that miss Sutton
have to say about it?
Well, she reckons
the best thing to do now
is just to try and solve the case
as quickly as possible.
Listen, that trunk has probably
been opened already,
and if it has,
it will be no time at all
before it's traced back to this place.
So, you go to the police
before they come to you,
and you tell them everything.
I can't do that.
I promised Laura.
Look, it's the only chance you've got
of getting yourself out of this mess,
short of pleading insanity.
No, on second thought,
that's probably your best chance.
Look, if I tell the whole story,
Laura will inherit nothing.
Well, so what?
It's better than
being an accessory
and going to prison
for the rest of your life.
Maud: He's right, you know.
- Woman: Is the plumber there?
- No, no. I'm sorry, he hasn't been here.
- Do send him round.
- Yes, I'll tell him as soon as he comes.
Goodbye, ma'am.
The inspector, please.
Oh, yes. You've come to
the wrong place. He's not here.
- Pardon?
- No, I just had his wife on the phone.
- Wondered what happened to you.
- What happened to me?
- Yes. She expects you.
- Really?
Yes. You'll find his house,
number 6, on the right.
The one with the red door.
Well, what are you waiting for?
- The one with the red door?
- The one with the red door.
Thank goodness you're here.
I was getting quite desperate.
- Do come in.
- Thank you.
The kitchen's at the back.
I tried to do it myself,
but it wasn't really very satisfactory.
What I really needed was
a nice long tool
to poke it with properly,
if you see what I mean.
I hunted about for hours,
but I couldn't find
anything satisfactory.
Finally, I decided the only thing to do
is to get a man round instead.
- Yes, well, actually, I've come to...
- Solve my little problem. Yes, I know.
I do hope you've got
the right equipment for it.
It's probably just tea leaves.
Oh, no, no.
You've got it wrong. I'm not...
Quite sure what it is.
- Oh, I do understand, mr, um...
- West.
You see...
Well, everyone thinks it's Blake.
How strange. "Blake" doesn't
sound a bit like "west".
I suppose you'll probably try
to suck it out with your little plunger.
Drink?
- Woman: Say when.
- Bob: When.
- What?
- When.
My goodness, you certainly
like your drink, don't you?
But I like a man
who's not afraid to admit it.
Listen. When I came round,
I thought your husband
was gonna be here.
Oh, he won't be home
for ages yet.
Why don't you come and sit down?
Cheers.
Cheers.
Is it getting hard?
Pardon?
Finding work?
Oh, yeah, well...
Look, are you sure
aboutyourhusband?
Positive.
- He is the inspector?
- Yes.
And he's a very difficult man
to live with, I can tell you.
Oh, really?
I don't want you
to get the wrong idea,
but I get the kind of feeling
that you're the sort of man
I could really depend on.
But, um...
What about the husband?
Oh, he won't be back for ages yet.
Plenty of time.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mum! Mummy!
What are you doing?
Mummy's just having a little chat
with the plumber.
Why are you lying down?
Don't ask silly questions.
Do as I told you and go to bed.
I'll go.
- Where did he come from?
- Upstairs. My god.
Quick!
Woman: Hello, Willy.
Is your mummy in?
Willy: Yes.
She's with the plumber.
Oh, mrs grimpton.
What a lovely surprise.
- I do hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- Oh, no.
Why were you jumping up and down
on top of mummy?
Willy, dear,
it's way past your bedtime.
Willy: Daddy!
Hello, hello, little man.
Want to come up?
There, what a big Willy I've got.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's going on here, then?
Darling, you're home early.
I just popped in to tell you
I'm working late tonight.
That missing person
business at the hotel.
Turned out nasty, I'm afraid.
Afternoon, mrs grimpton.
How's the reverend?
Bearing up, as usual.
Daddy, why don't plumbers
wear any trousers?
Darling, that's the plumber.
He's just come to unblock the sink.
Plumber?
- Local, are you?
- Er...
Why has he put
his trousers back on, daddy?
Does that mean he's not going to
jump up and down any more?
Excuse me, mate.
This where the blockage is?
Crikey. Is that the time?
Well, I'll just have to
be running along
because I've got a few
more appointments to... to...
And then the real plumber came in,
and it bec...
Somebody just put this
underneath my bedroom door.
"The burlesque club.
Table five, ten o'clock sharp.
"Bring the money in used notes."
Yes, well, that's where he's made
his final mistake, isn't it?
What final mistake?
Well, I give him the money,
he hands over the negatives,
- and then I nab him.
- You nab him?
Yeah. I'll just wait for him
to expose himself,
and then I'll pinch him.
Well, as long as
he doesn't get sidetracked,
like some people we could mention.
All I want to know is, where
am I going to get 50,000 from?
Don't you worry, love.
I know exactly
how these things are done.
Laura: Do you really think
that's gonna work?
Never fails.
See, you just put the proper money
at the top and it all looks real.
I wonder who it's gonna
turn out to be?
The Butler.
That's who did it, the Butler.
How do you work that one out?
Well, call it a hunch, if you like.
- Call it a wild guess.
- You'll see.
Look, I didn't like to
voice my suspicions beforehand,
but tonight,
after he turns up at that club,
I'll have all the proof I need.
You'd better.
Otherwise I'm in trouble.
Don't worry.
It'll be the Butler.
He's the blackmailer.
He's also a murderer.
Yeah, well, don't worry.
I know how to look after myself.
Violet: You know, I don't think
this is such a good idea.
These sort of things
always make me feel so nervous.
Medea: Father would wish us
to speak with him.
Sydney: I don't understand why.
He had no time for you while he was alive.
What are you lot doing now?
We're going to have a sance.
Where's judd?
Maybe he'd like to join us.
Oh, he, er...
He went to visit someone in town.
- You'll be joining us though, won't you?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
I think father's going to be very upset
if you don't have a word with him.
Listen, birdie, if I've got to sit through
this blasted nonsense, you can as well.
- Cloth!
- Yes. Well, this is nice, isn't it?
- I always did like having my fortune told.
- Lights!
Now if we all place our index finger
very lightly on top of the glass.
We are having a sance,
round we all sit.
If you want my opinion,
it's a right load of...
Everyone place their hands
gently on the table,
fingers lightly touching.
What was that?
- Is there anybody there?
- My god!
Who is it? Speak! Speak!
Who's there? Speak! Speak!
I... I need a bloody drink.
Someone touched me! Oh!
Yes, yes. There's definitely
someone in the room.
I can feel it. I can feel it.
Father, father, is it you?
Oh, my god. Supposing it's...
Marmaduke grimsdyke?
Marmaduke, if it is thou,
be gone, I say!
Marmaduke, piss off.
Who is it? Answer me, father.
If it is you, then answer me.
One knock for yes.
Two knocks for no.
Medea: One knock for yes,
two knocks for no.
Who is it? Speak! Speak!
Who is it?
Craddock: It's only me, madam.
Inspector hogg to see you.
Sorry to disturb you like this.
Just a few routine enquiries, that's all,
in connection with
a mr Scott radleigh.
I believe he called here
yesterday morning.
Wasn't that the fellow
who came to see Laura?
Nothing that might
create a scandal, I hope.
- You knew him, did you?
- Well, er...
Slightly, from when I was a model.
I see.
Are you also acquainted
with a mr and mrs boodle
- of 36 abersham Crescent, reading?
- Oh, no.
They moved there yesterday.
But what's that
got to do with Scott?
He fell out of a trunk
while they were unpacking.
I'm sorry to have to tell you,
he'd been shot.
- Shot?
- Surely you don't suspect miss Sutton, sir?
- Think of the scandal.
- Just a few routine enquiries, that's all.
- I saw it. I saw it all.
- You witnessed it?
In the tea leaves.
The curse of the grimsdyke vulture.
I think I'm going to have
a nervous breakdown.
Good heavens.
What's that plumber
doing under the table?
He's not a plumber.
He's a bird watcher.
Well, he wouldn't
find any under there.
If I could have a word with you
in private, please, inspector?
Please.
He was the first to die.
There will be more.
The tea leaves never lie.
So, you see, inspector,
I'm not a plumber,
nor am I a bird watcher.
I'm a private detective,
and I'm down here on a case
and I just didn't want anybody
to find out, that's all.
So, what were you doing
at my house with my wife?
Well... well, I felt that I should
let you know who I was,
what I was doing down here,
just in case you were wondering.
I see. Nothing to do with
this Scott radleigh business?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm just down here
checking up on somebody, that's all.
Now you just watch your step.
I don't like private detectives,
neverhave.
- Bloody amateurs.
- Yeah.
Well, if I can be of any assistance...
You just keep your nose out of it,
or you and me will fall out.
Right, now, if you'll excuse me,
I rather think
I'd better be getting along,
don't you?
- Do you mind if I ask you a question?
- No.
What were you doing
jumping up and down?
Oh, it was, er...
It was cramp.
I get terrible cramp.
You have to keep moving with it,
you see, otherwise...
Cramp?
Hello, wilfred crimble.
Press. My card.
- What?
- My card.
- Look, who let you in here?
- Good murder, this, innit?
- Fancy giving us an exclusive?
- Certainly not. Now shove off.
Not about how you're actually
a private detective.
How did you know that?
I overheard your conversation
with inspector hogg over there.
What's going on here?
Derek, deal with him, will you?
I've got to go.
Hello, crimble, press.
You one of the murder suspects?
- Well...
- Care to say a few words, would you? Slowly.
- Look".
- How well did you know the dead body?
"no
- comment.
- "Comment."
Man: Oi!
Where do you think you're goin'?
- Inside.
- You a member, are ya?
Well, no, but, er...
I'm supposed to be
meeting somebody here.
- Who?
- Well, I'm not sure, exactly.
What do you mean,
you're not sure?
Well, I won't know who it is
until I get inside, if you...
No, I don't, mate.
Oh, there must be a reservation booked.
Table number five.
Why?
Because that's where
I'm gonna meet whoever it is.
Table number five,
ten o'clock sharp.
- Nothing here.
- Look, it's important that I get in there.
- My name is... my name's judd Blake.
- Yeah?
Well, no, it isn't, actually.
It's Bob west. But, the thing is...
Look, I don't know
who you are, mate.
You're not a member,
you ain't got a table booked,
you dunno who you're
supposed to be meetin',
and I don't like ya,
so piss off.
- Now, wait a minute. Look...
- I told ya...
I've got to get in there.
It's very important.
- I've got to deliver this case.
- What's important?
All right, I'll level with ya.
I'm a private detective.
A private detective.
Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place?
'Course, that makes
all the difference.
Who?
Did he? Right.
Announcer:
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've been waiting for.
The star of our show,
the fabulous miss Lisa Moroni.
- You'll miss your cue.
- What? What?
I'm Moroni with an
not morone with an "e"
'cause morone with an "e"
means "stupid"
like time without a "t",
I'm a "p" without a bough
'cause I haven't got a bow like cupid
miss Helen of Troy,
when she didn't have a boy
sailed across the sea to Paris
and Mac with a Beth couldn't wait to get
when he rode behind his heiress
so little old me
with a m-o-r-o-n-i spells "Moroni"
I thought we booked four girls?
So who's the big ugly blonde?
lonely
so terribly lonely
like fromaggio
with no macaroni
so if a guy with a "y"
and a wherefore tries
to sample my salami
I'll wink with an eye
and please with these
Moroni
ain't that b-a-r-m-y, barmy?
- hey, you.
- What?
Er... nothing.
Lisa: I mean... I mean, I'm just...
Well, I'm just...
I'm just terrific.
I mean, you're terrific.
Oh, if momma could only
see me now, right?
Listen, er...
Now I'd like to do a song.
It really means very much to me.
Like...
Like being in the movies, or like...
Like being here tonight.
But, I want you to know,
this is my favourite song.
momma told me all about propriety
not getting stuck in a rut
but a girl's got to guard her integrity
so give me my diamonds uncut
and give me the real thing
make my pendulums swing
don't want no mail order thing
give me the r-e-a-I, real thing
real thing
good evening, my dear.
Delighted to see you.
What can I get you to drink?
A pint of bitter.
Pint of bitter
for a lovely little girl like you?
You should be drinking champagne.
Waiter, bring me a bottle of the
best champagne you have, will you?
I am sir basil lemmington.
Call me baz if you like,
it makes no difference to me.
What's your name?
Look, let's leave names
out of it, shall we?
You coy little temptress, you!
Pardon my asking, but you have
the most delightful set of knockers.
Or have you?
I can't see from here.
Come here and let me
have a better look.
Lisa:
they live life the nouveau riche way
you know all I need is a roof and a bed
as long as it's in Saint-tropez
give me the real thing, come on
and make my pendulums swing
look, let's stop fooling around
and get down to business, shall we?
- How much?
- 50,000.
Fifty thousand?
It's a bit pricey, isn't it?
I've never paid more than forty.
All right, all right, forty.
Let's not quibble.
The thing is, how do I know
you've got the goods?
I beg your pardon?
Well, you don't think I'm going to
give you what you want
without seeing
what you've got, do you?
You don't think I'm gonna get it
out here and show you, do you?
Well, there might
be something missing.
There wasn't this morning.
Yes, but how am I
supposed to know that?
What kind of a sucker
do you take me for?
Anyway, I'm not doing anything
until I've seen what you've got.
don't want no mail order thing
and give me the r-e-a-I, real thing
real thing
supposing somebody sees?
Get it out under the table.
Just a quick flash.
All right, I will if you will.
don't want no mail order thing
and give me the r-e-a-I, real thing
just a quick glimpse,
that's all you're getting,
and then I want those negatives.
What negatives?
The negatives I'm
supposed to be buying.
Basil: I'll buy you anything
if you'll come back to my place.
Thank you. No, that's fine.
I'll be fine. Really. Thank you.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Look, I expect you're wondering
what I'm doing behind the curtain,
- dressed like this, but...
- Happens all the time.
- Autograph hunters, they'll try anything.
- No, no.
Look, I'm a private detective.
- I've come to...
- You're the guy rosco's looking for?
- Ssh.
- Isn't this terrific?
You know, ever since
I was a little girl,
I've had secret fantasies
about dicks.
Are you here to investigate
the boss's illegal activities?
No, no, no, no.
Nothing like that.
But, listen, you don't know
what you're missing.
I'm engaged to his son, legs Luigi.
Oh, Lisa Moroni, by the way.
You've probably heard of me.
I'm an international superstar.
What did you say your name was?
- Blake. Judd Blake.
- Judd Blake?
- Yeah.
- The judd Blake?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that is terrific.
Listen. What are you investigating?
Murder, blackmail?
Murder and blackmail.
Well, that's terrific.
How can I help you?
Well, for a start,
you could get me out of here.
I've got an idea.
Okay, fellas, could you just
bring it in here? Be very careful.
There are valuable things in it.
Place it down there. All good.
That's beautiful. Thank you, fellas,
thank you. Okay. Thank you.
- Where are we?
- Oh, this is my place.
- You okay?
- I've gone all stiff.
- Really?
- Look, I'm, er...
I'm very grateful to you
for helping me get out of...
Listen, it's nothing.
You can show your gratitude later.
Maybe you'd care to
take a shower, huh?
Bathroom's through there.
Oh, I'll fix us a couple of drinks.
All right.
I can't stay too long.
I've got to get back so as I can
finish off solving the case I'm on.
So, what's a couple of hours?
Terrific.
Drink?
Thanks.
- Legs.
- Bugsy. What are you doing here, huh?
You been with my Lisa?
I kill you, I kill you.
We just took some costumes
up to her apartment, that's all.
How do I know
you tell me the truth, huh?
On my mother's grave,
I swear it.
Your mother is not even dead.
So, is that my fault?
Nobody makes a fool
of legs Luigi, huh?
The one thing I don't like is
other men being with my Lisa.
They start getting ideas.
Usually the ones
that she gives them.
I'm Moroni with an
not morone with an "e"
'cause morone with an "e"
means "moron"
right, you two stand guard here, huh?
Surprise, surprise.
Lisa, it's me, your little legs.
Lisa?
Hey, Lisa, open the door. Lisa?
Lisa:
Legs! Fancy you coming round.
- Legs: Who is in the shower?
- Lisa: Oh, no-one.
Legs: I don't believe you.
There's somebody in the shower.
Lisa: You're crazy. I was running
that shower for myself
how come the door,
she is locked from the inside, huh?
You know what these doors are like,
they're always sticking.
See?
Oh, legs! Legs!
Legs, my darling!
- Oh, legs.
- Lisa.
I got some flowers for you, huh.
These are men's clothes.
What are they doing here, huh?
- Ah... costumes!
- Costumes?
Yeah, for a new number
I've been rehearsing.
follow the yellow brick road, ha-ha
costumes, huh?
You've got somebody in here.
A man, yes? Where is he, huh?
You know, you can really be
a jerk sometimes. You're so jealous!
Mamma Mia, I kill him, I kill him.
Where is he, huh?
Legs... legs, don't be...
Legs! Legs, listen.
- Legs, there is nobody here. Really.
- Hiding in the wardrobe, huh?
Really, legs.
Legs: He must be here.
Lisa: No. There isn't, legs.
- There is no-one here.
- Under the bed, huh?
- Legs.
- Under the bed.
- No, nobody under the bed.
- If I get him, I kill him.
Under the bed, huh?
- Or behind the curtains.
- Jesus Christ.
A-ha!
Behind the curtains, huh?
You're laughing
at your little legs, huh?
You think I'm stupid, huh?
Well, itell you.
Nobody laughs at legs Luigi.
Um... legs, um... why don't we
just have a drink, huh?
- Right. Then I rip your knickers off, huh?
- Terrific.
I'll hang up the coat
and you get the drinks, huh?
You say no. No, I tell you. You get
the drinks, I put the jacket away.
What do you think I am? Stupid?
Nobody makes a fool
of legs Luigi, huh? Nobody.
Nobody makes a fool of legs Luigi.
Nobody makes a fool...
I need the drink.
Hey, legs, I got a better idea.
Why don't we just skip the drinks
and do the knickers bit instead, huh?
Sounds like a good idea.
What you doing, huh?
You spoil the buttons on my shirt.
Don't be so silly, darling.
Don't you know
I'm so divinely decadent.
- Okay, Valentino. Hit it!
- Oh, Lisa, my darling.
It's no good.
Something must have happened.
Otherwise he wouldn't have
stayed out all night.
- You know what he's like.
- Yes, that's what worries me.
Well, maybe he found out who
the blackmailer was and got held up.
Maybe he's found out
who the blackmailer is
and got himself murdered.
- No, I'll have to go and get the police.
- What, you're going to phone them?
No, somebody might hear me, and
that somebody might be the blackmailer.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, you stay here in case he comes back.
I just hope he won't be too hurt
when he finds out about us.
It could break his heart.
I have that effect on men, you know.
I'll go and get the police.
Morning, craddock. Blake in?
I haven't seen him, sir.
He's probably upstairs in his room.
Right.
I've got something really good here.
Great.
- Haven't you ever heard of knocking?
- Oh, no!
You miss more scoops that way.
Yes, well you're not going to
have one of me starkers, for a start.
This is slightly more important.
Right, where's judd?
I want to show him this.
I was thumbing through the back issues
of the newspaper last night and I found it.
What about it?
Well, look at it!
Look at the photo of the regatta.
Who is standing there?
Can't see a thing without my glasses.
Hang on.
It's that bloke who was murdered,
Scott radleigh.
Can you see who he's standing next to?
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah.
Now, my deal is this.
I won't take this to the police,
if judd will give us an exclusive on
whatever it is he's up to at the moment.
- Conniving little sod, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Where's judd, then?
That's what we'd all like to know.
Bob: Lisa.
Lisa!
- I'm freez...
- Ssh!
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot, huh?
- Oh, no, please.
- Oh, my!
- No, please.
- Say your prayers, my friend.
No, no, please. Please!
I'll cut you into little pieces!
- You tryin' to make a fool...
- No, listen...
Couldn't we talk this over?
No, please.
Isn't it terrible? He just fainted.
Oh, terrific!
Shit!
Shalom.
Hi-yah!
Mr purdy.
Purdy & purdy, solicitors.
Ah, yes. You were expected, sir.
Well, if you could
assemble everyone together,
so that I can dispose of this business
of the late mr Ashley dotrice's will
and hand over the estate accordingly.
- Most definitely, sir.
- Craddock!
Have you seen miss Sutton
anywhere about?
I believe she went to the stables.
Come on.
Here! You're supposed to be dead.
Sorry to disappoint you, love.
I discharged myself
from hospital this morning.
- You haven't got the money, have you?
- It's in the house.
So are the negatives,
with my partner,
who should be handing them
over to mr purdy any minute now.
Looks like you've lost the estate,
doesn't it, darling?
Oh, no, it doesn't.
You see, we happen to know
who your partner is.
- You're bluffing.
- Show him, wilfred.
Listen, if I don't turn up
inside that house
in the next few minutes
to say you've paid up,
purdy will get those negatives.
What you going to do, darling?
Shoot us?
You weren't very successful last time,
were you?
This time I'll make sure.
I never did like the look of her
from the start.
Woman: Hey!
Look, I'm...
I'm sorry about
your car, love, but...
- Can't get the key out.
- Stand back. Let me.
"These terms named
miss Laura Sutton
"as sole heir to
his whole estate and fortune.
"And this inheritance is to take place
at twelve noon today,
- "on the 25th of this month..."
- It was her!
"Shut not thy merciful ears
to our prayer,
"but spare us, lord most holy,
o god most mighty."
"O holy and merciful saviour, thou...
"Thou most worthyjudge eternal,
"suffer us not at our last hour
for any pains of..."
Bob: Where am I?
Here, give us a hand...
Brakes!
Amateur, Robert, amateur.
I did almost solve it.
Hmm. You shouldn't have
been solving anything.
A little slower and a little lower please,
miss Walker.
Don't be too hard on him,
mr Blake.
After all, everything has worked out
all right in the end.
Maud and I are getting engaged.
The estate going to the two daughters,
as it should.
Radleigh and Clarissa inside for blackmail,
and Laura for attempted murder.
Yes, I never did like the look of her
from the start.
Derek: There is one thing
I don't quite understand.
Who was it that Bob was supposed
to meet in the club that night?
Somebody Clarissa or Scott would have
sent along to do the pick-up.
It's very simple.
In fact, from the sound of it,
the whole case was pretty obvious
from the start.
Yeah. Well...
I nearly got it right.
Yes, well, you don't become
a famous detective
by nearly getting
things right, Robert.
But I had suspects.
I'm very good at suspects.
I think you should be grateful
I haven't decided to fire you.
I am, mr Blake.
Good, then how would you like
to crack a case for me?
Really?
What kind of case is it, mr Blake?
A case of champagne to celebrate
that young couple's happy engagement.
callin' all cars,
it's a quarter to three
there's nobody home and it's worryin' me
it goes without sayin'
that she's only playin' with me
and I'm losin' sleep
'cause I've got to keep my eye on you
you've been double-dealing
left and right
you're at home but you're not alone
and I know that's true
I've got information from
information from my private eye
- information from
- backing vocals: information from
information from my private eye