After Sex (2007) Movie Script
# And my world is love #
# It's only magical #
# It's a beautiful life #
# When my fevered head #
# Felt the world in it #
# It's a beautiful life #
# By the road I'd lay #
# And often hear it say #
# Sew the wounds
of your life #
# Throw your TVs out #
# Buy the ring and shout #
# It's a beautiful life #
# Yeah #
# It's all here #
# My beautiful #
# It's your
magic carpet ride #
# We're all #
# Since the world has come #
# You're the only one #
# For the rest of my life #
# As my body quits #
# I feel your world in it #
# It's a beautiful life #
# Life #
Oh, God.
Easy, easy,
easy, easy.
Cramp! Cramp!
Cramp! Cramp!
Fu-- Fucking top five.
That was fucking...
top five.
So what are you saying?
Are you saying women
have it easier than men?
Look, all I'm saying
is that you guys...
women have one
certain luxury
that us men
just do not have.
Oh, yeah?
And what is this one luxury,
might I ask, baby?
Let me get my breath,
and I'm gonna tell you.
I'm gonna spell it
out for ya.
How do I know it's gonna
be pure genius?
Fine.
No matter how I say this, I'm
gonna be the fucking asshole,
so I'm just gonna come out
and say it, all right?
Sweet!
This whole
equality thing...
is crap.
God, you've got
a gift for delivery.
It's bullshit.
Look, just hear me out.
All I'm saying is that
you and I are not equal.
Sure, we all slave away
at our dead-end
stupid-ass jobs
just like each other.
But there's a difference:
the luxury.
The one luxury
that we do not have.
And?
It is not okay for us
to be dependent
on someone else.
What?
Exactly that.
You can work
your ass off.
You can go to college,
get a degree,
and get a job
just like me.
But what I can't do
is say "Fuck it"
and choose to depend
on someone else.
Only women
have that right.
If I do it, I'm a bum
or a gigolo.
If you do it,
you're a housewife.
Or even better yet,
a domestic engineer.
Give me
a fucking break!
You're right.
I know.
You're the fucking
asshole.
Come on.
Where are you going?
To flush down
your demon seeds.
You know, it's incredible
to me how someone
who appears to be so smart
can be so fucking dumb!
Yeah, well, you're
just pissed off
that you know
that shit's all true.
Fucking hamstring.
Whatever.
Tell me that it's not.
Whatever!
Yeah. You know.
Kiss my ass.
Why is it we always get
into these heated discussions
right when we're done
having sex?
Maybe because
I'm left unsatisfied
and need to take my
frustrations out somewhere?
That's not what you were
screaming a couple of minutes ago.
Yeah? What was
I screaming, big guy?
"Oh, Chris, stop.
Chris, stop.
Oh, stop! Chris, please
don't stop." Shut up!
Ow! You just
hit me in the balls.
Good.
You deserve it.
Sit down.
So...
So...
When do you think you're just
gonna come out and say it?
Say what?
How deeply in love
with me you are.
In your dreams.
Baby, it's all right.
I know.
Christopher, could you
be more full of yourself?
I could.
I just choose to keep
my arrogance toned down
around women I'm giving
the hot beef injection to.
What are you,
in third grade?
What, you don't like
"hot beef injection"?
How about my one-eyed snake?
My Dodger dog?
My giggle stick?
You're impossible.
I'm cheap and I'm easy.
Tell all your friends.
Do you ever stop?
I'll stop when you admit
your everlasting love for me.
Well, then you better get
comfortable, Mr. Giggle Stick.
Oh, I'm good.
Okay.
Good.
Seriously, Leslie.
I know that...
you have
feelings for me.
Where is this
coming from?
I mean, I thought we were
just having fun here.
Isn't that what you say?
We're friends who fuck.
I'm being serious here.
Like, why is that
so hard for you to admit?
'Cause we're friends,
Christopher.
That's all we ever are,
that's all we'll ever be:
friends.
I mean, look at us.
It would never work.
You're way
too fast for me,
and I'm way too
demanding for you, and...
And I like the way
things are.
Don't you?
I just thought...
Never mind.
What? No, never mind. You're right.
You couldn't
handle me anyway.
Excuse me?
I believe I just handled you
three times, if I'm not mistaken.
Is that what you call handling?
Yeah.
'Cause I was taking it
easy on you.
I send broads
to the chiropractor.
God, if only your dick
was as big as your ego.
If it was, I wouldn't
be able to walk around.
And neither would you,
for that matter.
Anyway, I don't
hear you complaining.
That's because you never shut up
long enough for me to get a word in.
You love my dick
as much as you love me.
Oh, shut up!
You know what I think?
Uh-uh, but I'm pretty sure
you're gonna tell me.
I think that you're the one
who's in love with me
and you're just projecting.
Yeah, that's it!
No, I'm ser--
You're trying to get me
to admit to loving you
because you're too much
of an insecure pussy
to just come out
and admit it.
Well, you've obviously put
a lot of thought to this.
Actually, no. It was just this
brilliant realization that came to me.
Are you saying that...
given the extreme
unlikelihood
that I actually did
have feelings for you,
that if I were
to make those known,
that you would then
step to the plate
and acknowledge your
undying love for me?
I'm not letting you
off the hook like that.
Like what? It doesn't work
like that, Christopher.
Love is not negotiable.
Oh, baby,
everything's negotiable.
No, not love.
Not love. Love is...
a guessing game.
And that's the beauty of it.
There's no guarantees.
It's like...diving
into a pool of water
without knowing
if it's shallow or deep.
And sure, yeah,
if it's shallow,
you end up hurt and
paralyzed from the neck down.
But if it's deep...
you know...
It's a leap of faith.
It's like throwing yourself out
there without any guarantees, dude,
and that's what
life's about.
Okay, you know
those carnival games, right?
And you know how some of them
are really hard to win
and some of them are super easy
and everyone wins?
Sure.
Well, it's just that
that's the difference
between love and sex.
Sex is the game
where everyone
wins a little prize,
and no one goes home a loser.
And...love is the game
that's really hard to win.
But if you do,
and you get to take home
that life-sized
stuffed rhinoceros,
it feels a whole lot better
than taking home
that shitty little
plastic key chain.
Hey.
Yeah?
You've got a fucked-up way
of explaining shit.
I mean...fuck!
Good night, Christopher.
Good night.
# She's a little bit cold,
she's a little bit bold #
# She's a little bit funny #
# How it feels #
# To be #
# Someone out of control,
life's taken its toll #
# When you wanted to see #
# The edge of the universe #
# You want to #
# You need to #
# Surrender #
# Surrender your heart #
# With your life #
# With your soul #
# Surrender #
# Surrender to me #
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm not gay now,
am I?
I don't know.
Did you like it?
No.
Then no, you're not gay.
But at least
now you're sure.
Yeah.
You sore?
A little.
It gets better.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I don't care.
Whatever.
You know, you don't have
to feel bad about this.
About what?
About us having fun.
There's nothing
wrong with it.
Yeah, I know. I'm just--
I'm not gay, so--
I just saying you don't
have to feel bad about it.
Everyone fools around
at least once,
whether they
admit it or not.
I can't tell you
how many straight boys
I've had this same
conversation with.
What conversation
is that?
The "talk you down from
the ledge" conversation.
What ledge, man?
What are you talking about?
You frat boys,
you're all the same!
You're all caught up in
this bullshit machismo world
that is forced upon you,
so you're afraid to have
a sensitive side.
Bullshit.
Bullshit my ass.
Right now, you're a jumper.
I so wish I knew
what the fuck
you were talking
about right now.
You're on the ledge
ready to jump
'cause you can't
deal with the fact
that you liked
having sex with a man.
It's true.
And then I come in and I give you this
whole shtick about how you're not gay
and everyone does it
at least once.
And then eventually, you
come back down off that ledge.
But now you're still left with
a hint of regret and guilt,
and you push it
deep down inside,
and it's locked away,
never to be mentioned again.
Just a distant memory that you'll
come to deny ever even happened.
It's a college campus clich.
The homophobic frat boy
that loves it in the ass,
but doesn't want anybody
to know about it.
It's sad, really.
Not me.
Whatever.
Whatever.
I'm not homophobic.
You're kidding me!
I'm not homophobic.
Then why keep it
a secret?
Because it's nobody's
fucking business.
You think I can't
read you?
You're the definition
of homophobic.
The mere thought of the
possibility of you being gay
scares you
beyond belief.
You're barking up
the wrong tree.
Whatever helps you
sleep at night.
What the fuck's
your problem?
I'm not the one
with the problem, boy!
Don't call me "boy,"
you fucking faggot!
Well, there it is.
I was waiting for it.
What?
You just proved
my entire point.
'Cause I called you a faggot?
Bingo.
What the fuck does that mean, "bingo?"
You know what?
I'm really tired,
and I'm sick of having
to explain
everything to you.
So if you don't mind,
I'd rather you just leave.
Why did you do it?
What do you care?
I want to know.
You really want
to know why?
Yeah.
Power.
Power?
Yeah.
Power.
Elaborate.
My whole life, starting
from grade school
up until the point
I came out of the closet,
I was beaten up,
ridiculed,
made fun of,
and completely alienated
because of the way I was born,
because I'm attracted
to guys.
You can't fucking imagine how
powerless this makes someone feel,
how powerless I felt.
All through high school,
I had to hide who I was
for fear of people
finding out the truth.
I even dated girls.
I had sex with them
just so that...
people thought
that I was straight,
that I was...normal.
And it tore me up inside.
To the point where...
Never mind.
What?
Nothing.
Um...
Forget it.
Please. What?
I tried to kill myself,
all right?
I tried to commit
fucking suicide because...
I couldn't deal
with who I was.
I was afraid of people
finding out the truth about me.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I hated myself
for who I was.
For who I am.
Kinda pathetic, huh?
No, man, it's not.
Yeah, well, eventually...
once I got to college, I
wasn't too different from you.
I-I joined a frat
and drank lots of beer
and made the usual
homoerotic gay jokes.
Then I met a guy, and...
He wasn't too different
from you and me.
He helped me accept
who I am.
Just a regular person...
just like
everyone else.
And it was kind of
crazy because
as soon as I made
the decision to come out,
that feeling of
powerlessness just vanished.
Granted, I still have to deal
with my family and friends, but...
as soon as I made that
decision that I was happy,
that I loved myself,
it didn't matter
what anyone else thought.
It was like, "Fuck them
if they can't deal with it."
I'm gay.
I've always been gay,
and I always will be gay.
That's kinda cool, man.
Think I'm like
how you are?
I'm not arrogant enough to
pretend to know who you are.
You might be like me.
You might just be curious.
But either way,
whatever you are,
don't try and cater
to other people's ideas
of what you should be.
You just be you.
So, are you?
What, gay?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Still trying to figure
out if I liked it.
You wanna give it
another shot?
Maybe you're a pitcher.
As long as you promise
not to tell anyone.
Yeah, why not?
You okay?
I think so.
Did you bleed?
It doesn't
look like it.
Did the condom
stay on?
Did it feel good?
Yeah!
Did it feel good for you?
I don't know.
It kinda hurt,
but towards the end,
I think it started
to feel good.
You think?
Well, it all
happened so fast.
What do you mean?
It was just over
kinda quickly.
It was my first time, too!
Oh, no, I know!
I wasn't complaining.
It was...
I don't know.
I feel kinda weird just
lying here naked with you.
Yeah, me, too.
The only other time
a girl's seen me naked
was when Sherry Kelly gave me
a blowjob in the 10th grade.
Sherry Kelly
sucked your dick?
You didn't know that?
How would I know that?
Everyone at school knows!
I threw up on her.
What?
Yeah. It was my
first blowjob.
I came the moment her lips
touched my dick.
Anyway, when she was
cleaning me up down there...
I got so nervous,
I threw up.
On her?
Yeah, all over.
She's never spoken
to me since.
So, that's why she
doesn't talk to you?
Yep.
I can't believe
she told people that.
Well, in her defense,
the only person she told
was Becky Matsuhara.
Becky was the evil bitch
who told everyone else.
They called me
"Pukey Sam the Minuteman"
for a whole year after that.
Constant reminder of just how
much high school sucks ass.
I'm sorry.
Eh, don't worry about it.
It was a long time ago.
Anyway, Becky got hit
by a garbage truck and died
almost a year later
to the day.
The universe works in
wonderful and mysterious ways.
So, this really was
your first time?
Yeah.
What?
I don't know.
It's just kinda cool,
that's all.
Us losing our virginity
together.
Oh, shit!
What? Who is that?
I don't know.
I thought you said
your parents were at work.
They were. I thought
they were. Fuck!
Get dressed really quick.
Shit!
Get under the--
Get under the--
I'm hurrying!
Hey.
Hi, Mom.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Just...lying down.
I'm a little tired.
Well, were you
talking to someone?
No.
I mean, yeah.
Um, it was Bree.
I just got off
the phone with her.
Kristy, what's
going on here?
What do you mean?
Did you have
someone over here?
No, why?
You sure?
Yeah.
Then why does it
smell in here?
Mom, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Kristy, I want you
to swear
that no one
was over here.
I swear.
Okay.
Kristy, you know that
you can talk to me, right?
Yeah, sure.
I mean about boys
and, um...sex.
Mom...
I don't know if your
father and I ever had...
that talk with you.
Mom...
You know,
the sex talk.
Anyway, it goes
like this.
It, um...
When-- When you reach
a certain age, you...
you start having
feelings and--
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Oh, you do?
Yeah. I've known
since the sixth grade.
Don't you remember when
I walked in on you and Dad
doing it dressed like
Superman and Lois Lane
while Tim,
the creepy guy next door,
took notes dressed
as Jimmy the reporter?
Oh...yeah.
Well, um...
Good. Right. Uh...
So I'm here if--
if you ever want
to talk to me,
all right?
And, um,
if you ever...
are going to...
do anything,
just please be careful.
And, um...
use, um...
you know...
a condom.
Mom.
Okay, okay!
I just want you
to be...
I just want you
to be all right.
I'm fine, Mom, thanks.
Kristy?
Yeah?
Better get him out of here
before your father gets home.
Shit.
I am so fucked.
Are you?
Yeah, and you are, too, unless
you get the hell out of here.
Enough said.
What are you doing?
Going out the balcony.
What does it look like?
Just go out
the front door.
My mom already
knows you're here.
I'm not walking
past your mom
after she knows
we just did it.
You can deal with
an entire high school
full of people knowing you threw
up during your first blowjob,
but you can't
walk past my mom?
Good point.
Nice.
Yeah, it was nice.
Get out of here!
Bye.
Bye.
# The specialness
of today... #
Well, that was nice.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You wanna
do it again?
No, not right now.
Okay.
I just wanna marinate
in this for a while.
You do know this is
just casual, right?
Yeah, of course.
Okay. Good.
'Cause I don't want you
freaking out on me,
catching feelings and shit.
Look, I'm not into girls.
I just like my pussy licked,
and you like to lick it.
That's our dynamic,
no more, no less.
Yeah.
I just want you to get it
through your head right now--
No, it's understood.
No feelings whatsoever.
Okay.
Anyway, I'm not--
I'm not gay either.
You know, this is...
It's fun.
Okay, whatever.
You don't have to hide
the fact that you're gay.
I don't care.
I'm not.
Look, you can do
whatever you want.
I just don't want you falling
in love with me, that's all.
I don't have patience
for that type of of bullshit,
man or woman.
Okay.
Nikki, you think
I'm gay?
Aren't you?
I mean, I don't know.
Well, anyone that likes pussy as
much as you do has got to be gay.
All right!
I like guys, too, okay?
Really? When was the last
time you were with a guy?
Uh, high school.
Okay.
Did you like it?
That's what
I thought.
Look, who cares, okay?
You like pussy,
I like dicks.
No big deal.
Whoa, whoa.
Do you have to be
so crude about it?
What's that mean?
I mean, like--
I don't know.
You can be--
You can be...
really abrasive sometimes,
you know, that's all.
No, that's the way
I talk.
If you don't like it,
too fucking bad, okay?
I'm blunt; I call it
as I see it.
Really?
Yeah.
You're an aspiring
rug muncher
who makes me come.
Well, I'm a raging bitch
who loves the cock.
That's the reality
of the situation.
Look, the only reason
I let you go down on me
is because it's been a little
slow around the dorms lately.
And well, frankly,
I'm a little bored
with the selection
of available fuck sticks
around here, okay?
Oh, Jesus, Kat, please, please
do not get emotional on me, okay?
I'm not emotional!
Yes, you are!
I'm a cunt, and you
should know that, okay?
You're my fucking roommate,
for Christ's sake!
Have you ever seen me
be nice to anyone?
No, no, I guess not.
Okay, exactly.
It's just that...
you're so different when
we're fooling around, you know?
Well, yeah! That's 'cause
you're getting me off.
Oh, my God!
Like...
Well, maybe
it's the only time
I'm able to suppress my
fucking bitchiness long enough
to appear like
a decent human being.
Just in case I haven't
made it clear to you,
Kat, I'm not.
All right.
Okay.
You do know
you're gay, right?
Yeah.
Is that the first time
you've ever said that?
What, that I'm gay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool. I'm honored.
Oh, shut up.
Look, Kat,
I'm serious, okay?
Look, you're being honest with
yourself about who you are.
I don't know. Maybe a little
bit of me is rubbing off on you.
Oh, God forbid.
What? As fucked up
as I may be,
I must have some
redeeming qualities, right?
You definitely
have a few.
You are a slut.
I can deal with that.
Okay.
Just do me a favor and don't
repeat this conversation, okay?
Okay. As long as you don't tell
anybody that you give me steady orgasms.
Deal.
Okay.
So, what, you don't
want anyone to know?
No, it's not that.
It's just...
I want to do it on my
own timeline, you know?
And besides,
it's nobody's business.
Eventually,
I am gonna come out.
Do your parents know?
Fuck no.
They would shit
a solid gold brick
if they were
to find out.
Well, listen to you,
Miss Potty Mouth.
Well, it must be
sexually contracted.
Oh, meh-maybe!
But okay, I mean,
listen, Kat...
what are they gonna do
when they find out?
Oh, first, they'll
probably disown me.
Then after a while
of not speaking to me,
they'll act like
they're doing me a favor
by having me explain
to them exactly why
I'm making the decision
to be gay.
Oh, my God, that is
just so fucked up.
Tell me about it.
So what's it
taste like anyway?
What?
Pussy.
I don't know.
Seriously,
I want to know.
Well..
Wha--
You wanna know.
Oh, come on.
I don't want to know that bad, okay?
I'm just curious
is all.
Oh.
I don't know.
It tastes good.
I like it.
Oh, really? I know
you like it, okay?
I just-- I mean, like,
what does it taste like?
Look, does it
taste like chicken?
Does it taste
like potatoes?
I mean, does it
taste like tuna?
Don't!
Oh, I can't--
No, it--
You know it smells like tuna.
No, it depends, okay?
It-- It depends.
It's always a little
different and-- and...
I guess a little salty.
And everybody's unique.
What do I taste like?
What-- no--
You asked, Nikki.
I know,
but I just...
I just-- I mean, like, I would
just assume it's nasty, so--
Why?
It's a moist cavity
between your legs, Kat.
A moist cavity?
I've nev--
It is, okay?
And it sometimes
gets sweaty,
so it sometimes
smells.
It's just...
It's just
a little gross.
No, it's not.
You definitely...
You want it clean.
You honestly want to know
what you taste like?
Well, I asked
didn't I?
Okay. Come here.
Open your legs.
You taste...
so fucking good.
Okay, I'm no lesbo,
but that was really hot.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Almost made me want
to go down on you.
Really?
Almost.
Uhh! Oh!
I forgot how fun
that was!
Well, speak for
yourself, old-timer.
I'm gonna hunt down
and kill that doctor
who gave you
those pills.
Mmwah!
Can I ask you something?
I hate when you do that.
Ask me if you're gonna
ask me something.
You're already asking
me something
by asking if you can
ask me something.
Okay, I'm sorry.
So?
Well...
if you had the chance to go
back in time and change things--
you know, like,
you and I being together,
would you?
Would I change anything
if I could go back in time?
Yeah.
No.
God, no.
Gene, I wouldn't change
a single thing.
I couldn't have dreamed up
a better life
in my best
night's sleep.
You're still my knight
in shining armor.
Always have been,
always will be.
You're just as amazing
as the first night I met you.
Who would have thought we would
have found love at a gangbang?
Do you remember
that key party
where old Walter Cotton couldn't
get his pecker out of my ass?
Oh, yeah!
Remember the look
on his face?
Oh, sure do!
Ho ho!
He was like
a helpless pup
locked up with
a bitch in heat.
All he was missing
was the amused owner
chasing his little
water hose.
You remember what
his wife Diane said
after he finally
got it out?
Oh, yeah. She said,
"Who wants pudding?"
Whoa, what's wrong
with that crazy woman?
Oh, God!
So gross!
Oh, he was a kick
in the pants, huh?
And hung like a horse.
You ain't lying.
He had a dick so big
it'd choke a donkey.
Looked like a baby's leg,
didn't it?
Yeah...a fat baby.
Sex was different
back then.
Yeah. Everything was so
much more free, you know?
No rules, no ambitions, no jealousies.
Mm-hmm.
No shaved pubic hair.
Mm-hmm.
And no diseases that
you couldn't take care of
with a visit
to the doctor
and a quick shot
of penicillin.
Today-- let me
tell you something--
these kids gotta wear
a coat of armor
before they park their car
in any woman's garage.
I would wear
three or four.
Yeah, you would.
Do you remember
the night
I brought home
LouAnn and Cecilia
after the Jefferson Airplane
show at the Fillmore?
The summer of 1969.
Uh-huh.
I couldn't forget that
if I tried.
No matter
how long we live,
I'll never be able to
repay you for that night.
I didn't know
fisting was possible.
Oh, yeah,
it's possible.
Hurts like a son of a gun,
but it's possible.
That girl was cryin'! "Whaaa!" Yeah.
She had pleasure
and pain at the same time.
"Aahhh! Wahhhh!"
Oh, God.
Well, it hurt.
Yeah.
"Wahhhh!"
I'd say,
damn right it hurt.
Somebody got their fist
up your damn thing, girl.
Oh, God!
It won't be
feeling good.
Mwah!
What do you think
the kids would think
if they knew about us?
What, you mean
about our past?
Yeah.
You mean the swapping
and the...sex stuff?
Yes, you numbskull.
I swear,
sometimes I think
you're as thickheaded
as a mule.
You don't have
to be so nasty.
Maybe they'll have
heart attacks.
You think?
Who would want to think
about their parents
doing the bang-bang-bang?
You know, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.
Daddy got his
drawers off,
big old butt sticking
up in the air.
Bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang.
Oh, shut up.
I always wondered
if they knew.
Nah. No way.
Mm-mmm.
Do you think, uh--
You think they'd be ashamed?
I don't know; it's hard to
figure out what they think.
Yeah, well, I guess there's no
use in worrying about it now.
No use at all.
Let me tell you something.
We made our decisions, and we lived
through them, and now we're here.
What more
can we ask for?
Yeah, you're right.
I know I'm right,
baby doll.
Shit, after 40 years
of marriage,
you think you would
figure that out by now.
Cupcakes, 40.
Gene?
Hmm?
What year were we married?
You ever think
we'd end up here?
What do you mean,
"here"?
You know, me, you,
together, old?
We're not that old.
Yeah.
We're no spring chickens,
I'll tell you that.
Well, we're not old.
Old is Bea Arthur
and Bob Hope and...
What's that guy
that owns everything?
Ted Turner?
Yeah.
They're old.
We're not old.
We're...refined.
But Bob Hope is dead.
Yeah, true.
But to answer
your question,
I don't know if I ever
thought we'd end up here.
I don't know.
I hoped.
Yeah.
Me, too.
You know, out of all
the other women
I buried my bone in--
and you know me, I buried
my bone in a lot of them--
there was never
anyone but you.
You've always had
a way with words, Gene.
You old sweet thing, you.
Come on.
Don't call me old.
Bite you.
Fucking--
Gotta be--
Goddammit!
Get off me!
Whoo!
Can't you come
a little quicker?
No, bro.
Oh, buddy.
Mm! Oh, fuck, bro.
Man, wow,
that was rockin'.
Rock and roll, man!
Put 'er there, buddy.
Aah! That hurts!
Mmm!
Oh, fuckin'...
Uhh!
Whoo!
So what do you
want to do?
I don't know.
What's everybody else
doing, man?
They're going dancing.
They're heading down
to Boys Town.
It's '80s night
at Rage.
God, our friends are
so fucking gay, man.
Tell me about it.
So what do you think?
I don't know.
Any other ideas?
I don't know.
We could stay up
all night
and have sex
like rock stars,
keep up the neighbors,
sweat...
shake the earth.
Sounds pretty nice,
but...I wasn't joking.
My ass kinda hurts.
Wanna go catch a movie
or something?
Oh, yeah?
What's out?
Not much.
Seems the only entertainment
I've been getting
from going to the theater is
watching some poor sap pay 12.50
to see some half-assed recycled
excuse for a motion picture.
Yeah, man.
Well, we're two of those
poor saps, mister.
I wanna drive.
I'm driving.
So, uh, how's this
gonna work, man?
What do you mean?
I mean, how's this
gonna work?
You mean us?
Yes, Bob.
I don't know, Neil.
Why do you ask?
'Cause I wanna fucking know, that's why.
Well, I don't have a
fucking answer, all right?
My ass is so sore.
Well, don't expect me
to be the fucking bitch
in this relationship,
you got it?
I'm the butch.
I've always been
the butch.
I'll always
be the butch.
Neil's the fucking butch,
you know what I mean?
Fucking Christ,
do we have to have
the State of the Union
talk right fucking now?
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
What--
I'm no bitch!
Well, that's our
problem, Einstein.
Why does it have to be
a fucking problem?
'Cause that's the way
it fucking works, man.
There's the bitch
and there's the butch.
I don't make
the rules, okay?
That's so pass.
Pass?
Yes, pass.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe
we've found ourselves a bitch!
Pull over.
Pull over.
So where were we?
Oh, yeah.
Listen, just because
the heterosexual public
has a uniformed
stereotype
of what a normal gay
couple's dynamic should be
doesn't mean that we,
the gay community,
have to abide by their
small-minded perceptions
and their inability
to think outside the box.
So what are you
proposing?
I'm not proposing
anything.
I'm just saying that
just because people expect
a bitch and a butch
doesn't--
that doesn't mean that's
the way it has to be.
I mean, look at
Ingrid and Sarah.
They're both fucking
butch as fuck,
and they've been
happily together
for fucking over
You're right.
Lesbians are so
ahead of the curve.
They are. They're on top
of their fucking game, man.
And you don't see the
two of them feeling bad
for not fitting into the
socially expected archetypes
of what a happy
gay couple should be.
Neil, I just--
I don't understand why this
is bothering you so much.
I don't know,
it's just that...
all the gay couples
we know,
there's a masculine
and a fem.
So?
I don't know, it's just
rare that a gay couple
breaks the mold,
that's all.
I think you're
forgetting
about the first
gay couple, man.
Who's that?
R2-D2 and C-3PO.
What are you
talking about?
C-3PO was a total bitch.
Oh, Lord, I do hope we make it
to the launch pad on time.
Hurry, R2.
Hurry.
Faggots, man.
Faggot talk.
Yeah, but what
was R2, then?
Oh, okay. I think I see
where you're going with this.
See? I mean, some can argue
that R2 was the bitch,
I mean, for constantly
putting up with 3PO's shit.
And continuing
to hang out with him
even though
the persistent nagging
by that fucking
British twat.
You made your point.
But on a small
side note,
R2 and 3P0 weren't
the fist gay couple.
What? Shut up.
Of course they were.
Nope, you're wrong.
Who was it, then?
Gilligan and the Skipper.
Oh, shit!
Yeah.
I never thought
about it like that.
You never thought about that?
You kidding me?
You never noticed
the pet name "Little Buddy"?
Come on!
And the fact that
Ginger and Mary Ann,
those fine little
pieces of ass,
never got any action
from either one of them?
They were fucking
hot, too.
Yeah, if they only
had dicks.
And a mouthful.
Oh, yeah.
So I guess no one
has to be the bitch.
Neil, neither of us are
capable of being the bitch.
You're the lead singer
of a hair band,
and I'm a high school
football coach.
We both hate the fuck
out of Barbra Streisand.
Shit.
Listen, I don't know
how it works,
but it does,
all right?
And...I'm not
gonna change,
and I know you're
not gonna change,
so why should we
fucking change, then?
I mean,
you're happy, right?
Oh, yeah.
And I'm happy, too.
Yeah.
So fuck everyone!
Neil?
Yeah?
Thanks.
For what?
For just being you.
Yeah, no problem.
What?
What what?
I'm glad we're together,
you know, and...
I'm really glad we...
we can talk the way
we do, you know?
I'm just-- I'm...
I've never been able to talk to
someone the way I talk to you.
How did this
suddenly turn into
an After School
Special, man?
Come on, Neil...
just 'cause
you're a manly man
doesn't mean you
can't have a heart.
Yeah.
Be Neil here.
I'm just sayin'
I don't...
I just want you
to know that...
I appreciate you,
you know?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Cool.
Thanks.
I appreciate you,
too, you know.
I'm sorry if I, uh...
don't express my feelings.
It's just-- that's not
really my thing, you know?
Jesus, now I sound like
I'm an After School Special.
It's okay.
I know your deal.
Why do we do this?
I don't know.
It was good, though.
It's always good.
That was never the
problem with us, David.
Yeah, so what
was the problem?
The problem is you.
Me?
Yeah, you.
You're emotionally
unavailable
and completely
unwilling
to open yourself up
to anyone.
That is not true.
I'm completely
open with Yesenia.
Her name is Yesenia?
Yeah. What's wrong
with that?
Nothing.
Never mind.
Anyway, that's why we're
no longer together,
whether you want to
fess up to it or not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
So you're saying
the only reason
that we broke up
was because of me?
Yeah.
What about you?
What about me?
Hmm, let's see.
You were totally jealous,
completely insecure,
and always certain that
I was cheating on you.
You were always
cheating on me.
Yeah, but you didn't
know that.
Here's what your
problem is, Jordy.
You are unable
to trust anyone.
That's bullshit.
I trust Greg.
Wait. His name is Greg,
like Greg Brady?
I love that guy.
I used to watch
that guy growing up.
I'm a big fan.
Yeah, so?
He's nice.
And he doesn't stick his dick
in everything that moves.
So I like women?
So what?
David, when you're
with someone,
you know, together,
the idea is that
you're only with them.
I told you my weaknesses
from the very beginning.
You also told me
you'd change.
You said you loved me.
I did love you.
And yet you still
managed to fuck
the majority
of my friends,
one in my own bed,
no less.
Oh, and this Greg is just the
king of monogamy, I presume?
Greg and I have been
together for over a year,
and he has not so much
as looked at another girl.
That's what you think.
That's what I know.
Greg and I are in love.
Then...why are you here?
Why are you here?
Look, I'm not the one
claiming to be in love.
Yesenia's just a...
a thing, you know?
She knows the deal.
Oh. So...
she'd have no problem
knowing that you just
rented a room in a hotel
so you could fuck
your ex-girlfriend?
Don't analyze me. I don't
need that shit right now.
Why, 'cause it's
the truth?
No, because you're not
a fucking psychiatrist.
I'm not paying you
a hundred dollars an hour
to figure out
what's wrong with me.
You're just mad because
you know I'm dead-on.
So what if you're dead-on.
What does that prove?
It proves exactly
what I said before.
You're fucking delusional,
you know that?
If that's not the pot
calling the kettle black...
What?
Look, I know what I am,
and I'm fine with it.
You, on the other hand, are caught
up in this fucking fantasy world
where everyone
is who you want them to be,
but not who they are.
The truth hurts,
don't it?
Fuck you.
Aw. Now you're gonna
get all mad at me
because I told you
the truth
after you blasted me out of
the water with your judgment?
Fuck you.
And you wonder
why I left.
Oh, that's rich.
That's good, Jordy.
You left.
Well, that's not really the way that I remember it.
But that's okay. We can go back and
rewrite the book of "David and Jordy."
Oh, just shut up,
okay?
Okay.
You don't still
have feelings for me?
No, of course not.
I am so over you.
Okay, well, you never
answered me, then.
Why are you here?
You never answered
me either.
With what?
Why are you here?
Jesus Christ, Jordy.
I thought we pretty much
covered this, didn't we?
Okay, to paraphrase
the long and tedious subject
that we just discussed,
I am a womanizer, okay?
I like all different
types of women.
I like the way
that they smell.
I like the way
that they taste.
I like the way
that they fuck!
The problem is
I find it hard
to stay loyal or honest
to one particular woman
at one particular time.
There, I said it.
Fine. Are you happy?
Now why are you here?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Look, are you happy
with...Tom?
John? What the fuck
is his name again?
Greg.
Yeah, Greg.
Aren't you happy
with Greg?
Yeah. I mean,
yes, I am.
Then why?
I don't have an answer.
I don't fucking know,
all right?
All right, Jesus.
No need to get hostile.
I was just wondering,
since we're in such
an honest mood here tonight,
laying naked
beside one another,
just having shared the most
intimate of body fluids,
I thought we could
just kind of...wshhhh,
just get everything
out in the open.
Look, we know why I'm
cheating on my girlfriend,
because I'm a piece
of shit.
But at least
I know what I am,
and I'm honest
with myself about it.
Yeah, unfortunately,
you're the only person
you have the ability
to be honest to.
It's only because
I'm compassionate.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
The only reason
that I lie to women
is to protect them
from being hurt.
Oh, my God!
You drive me
fucking crazy!
I mean, it's just--
it's amazing to me
how you can justify
your lying and womanizing
by believing that you're
doing us women a favor.
Like we couldn't
handle the truth.
Well, could you?
I don't know.
But at least we wouldn't
end up with broken hearts.
I mean, you think
you're doing us a favor?
You think you're
being compassionate
by letting us think
that we're the only ones?
No, you're the one that's
fucking delusional, David.
All you're doing
is delaying the process.
Sneaking behind our backs,
fucking anything with a
pair of tits and three holes,
eventually making us look like
idiots, breaking our spirits.
That is not
compassionate, David.
That is fucking evil.
Evil?
Yeah, evil.
And the sad thing is
you can't even comprehend
why it's evil
because you've never
had to feel anything.
It must be so nice to be
as numb to the world as you,
protected and sheltered
by your own shallowness.
So much so that you don't
even realize what you're doing
is downright wrong.
You done?
Why are you such an asshole?
I don't know.
It's a gift.
No, it's just sad.
I mean, I can't expect
you to understand
what it feels like
to be heartbroken.
You wanna know why?
Why?
'Cause you don't
have a heart.
By the way, I lied.
It is small.
# And still I rise #
# And still I rise #
# Like the sun I'll shine #
# Oh, and still I rise... #
Oh, yeah.
Uh...
What's your name again?
Alanna.
Ah.
What was yours?
Uh, Marco.
Oh.
It's nice
to meet you again.
Yes.
You, too.
R-Really.
Where, uh--
Where are you from?
Arkansas.
Huh?
This little town
outside of Little Rock.
Um...Little Rock?
Yeah, it's one of the
bigger cities in Arkansas.
Oh.
No, no,
never heard of it.
Where are you from,
Mexico or something?
Uh, well, I'm Spanish,
and, uh...
I'm from Madrid.
Is-- What part
of Mexico is that in?
Oh, no, it's--
it's in Spain.
I know, but isn't that
in Mexico?
No, it's in Spain.
It's a country?
In Europe?
Oh! Okay, like,
by England.
Y-Yeah, kind of.
What, um-- What language
do they speak there?
Spanish.
I know, but isn't that
what they speak in, um--
in, uh...Mexico?
Yes, but the language--
uh, the language
originated in Spain.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
Yes. Positive.
Hmm. See, 'cause
I have a...
I have
a Mexican friend,
and he speaks
Spanish.
So is tonight your first
night at the Spider Club?
No. No, I've been there
quite a bit.
You?
No, I'm there all the time.
I'm surprised I've
never seen you there.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
What's your
favorite, uh...
color?
My favorite color.
Um, I don't know.
Gray, I guess.
Oh, no, see,
gray's not a color.
Sure it is.
I have a gray
sweater.
Oh.
So what do you do?
I'm an actor.
Really?
Yeah, well,
an aspiring actor.
Would I have seen you
in anything?
Probably not, no.
Oh.
Oh-- Well, actually,
I was Cholo #3
in an episodio
of Oz one time.
Oh, cool!
Yeah.
Yeah, my agent,
he says that, uh--
He says that things
are going to be
picking up for me
very soon.
Really?
Well, he says I have
a unique quality
that sets me apart
from the pack.
Hmm.
It's only a matter
of time, he says,
before I get
my big break.
Cool.
He describes me
as the next, uh...
the next
Antonio Banderas.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I love that guy.
I love Fantasy Island.
Oh, so good.
Yeah.
What do you do?
I'm a model.
See, I would have
guessed that.
Really?
You look like a model.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
What kind of modeling
do you do?
Um...
Mostly print.
Mm-hmm.
Adult stuff,
you know.
Really?
Yeah.
Just for now,
till I can find
something better to do.
Oh.
It's cool.
Would I have seen--
seen you in something?
Maybe. Do you ever
pick up the L.A. Express?
That's, uh--
That's the paper that
advertises for hookers.
Uh...yeah.
Call-- Call girls
or something?
They're escorts.
S-Sorry.
Sorry.
Actually, yeah.
I've seen it--
I've seen it
a couple of times.
I had--
I had this--
You are not a...
you're not a professional,
though, are you?
Yeah!
What?
Yeah, I'm an escort
from time to time.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause you just
asked me right now.
I mean, I just fucking
went down on you.
Jesus Christ, don't you
think that's something
you should tell someone
before you--
you sleep with them?
No.
You didn't tell me what you
did before you slept with me.
That's different, okay?
I-I don't sleep with
random people for money.
You're not upset,
are you?
A little bit.
Oh, jeez.
You don't have
something, do you?
Like what?
Like a fucking
disease or something.
No.
No way. I make all
the guys wear condoms.
It's my number one rule.
Oh, Jesus.
My fucking dong is going
to mush up and fall off.
Come on,
don't be angry.
What were you doing
at the club tonight?
Shouldn't you be out
working or something?
Silly. Escorts
like to party, too.
Besides, it's a good place
to pick up work.
Oh, my God.
You don't expect me
to pay for this, do you?
No. I liked it.
I like sex just like
the next person, you know?
That's why I do
what I do.
Can we not-- Let's not
talk about it, okay?
Just be careful,
yeah?
I don't know why you get
so uncomfortable about it.
It's kinda cute.
And you're
for real, huh?
Yeah, I mean, it's not like I
sleep with that many more men
than every other
stupid girl at the club.
I'm just smart enough
to get paid for it.
But you're selling
yourself.
You're ashamed, no?
No. Why should I be?
I like what I do, and until
something more promising comes along,
then I'm happy
getting paid to have sex.
I like to do
the boopsy.
Were you abused
as a child or something?
No!
How-- How long have you
been doing this?
Um--
Right here.
Since I moved here.
I was waiting tables,
and this guy made me an offer.
And was he serious?
Mm-hmm.
Yep. He offered me a thousand
bucks to come home with him.
Oh, Jesus.
A thousand bucks.
So I did it.
Oh, he was so cute.
And he was nice.
I would have went home with him
for free if he would have asked,
but I figured I'd make me
some money, you know?
Hmm.
After that, you know,
I told my friend,
and we both decided
to quit waiting tables
and do it for a living.
Not too bad.
It's honest work.
I offer a service
and I get my rocks off
in the meantime, so it
works out for everyone.
Ooh!
I'm home, honey!
Jesus.
Uh, don't you come across
the scumbags, huh?
Sometimes, but...
that's where this
comes in.
Oh, Jesus!
Okay.
What, don't they have
guns in Mexico?
Mexico, they're all
about the guns,
but in Spain, no.
Okay...be careful
with that, huh?
Don't be scared.
I know how to handle a gun.
I've been shooting
since I was six.
Okay, uh...
Put it-- Put it
in the bag.
Zip, zip, zip, zip,
zip it in the bag, okay?
Put it away.
Aw, you're scared.
Anyway, I try not
to worry too much,
'cause I'm
a pretty, uh--
I'm a pretty good judge
of character, you know?
Hey!
I trusted you,
didn't I?
Ay.
Anyhoo,
I don't worry
too much.
I do what
I want to do,
and if I'm not
feeling it, I don't.
Oy.
Are you all right?
Oy, I--
I don't know.
Hey, look, don't let it
bother you, okay?
I promise, I am clean.
I use protection.
Look, I'm just
a normal person like you
except for I get
paid to fuck.
Okay, okay.
Could you please stop
saying that, yes?
What are you doing
in there?
I-- I'm cleaning up.
Okay.
Oy.
How-- How old were you
when you first had the sex?
Yes-- Yes, 12.
Okay.
Um...
Yeah, 12.
Okay.
With-- With who?
Uh, my Uncle Danny.
You fucked with
your Uncle Danny?
Yeah, but I thought
it was my cousin.
Oh-- Oh, Jesus.
What can I say?
It was dark in my room.
Okay, but you thought
it was your cousin.
Yeah, well,
me and my cousin,
we've always
fooled around.
Why--
I told you I was from Arkansas.
What is that
supposed to mean?
It's just it's not that
uncommon of a thing, that's all.
At least
it wasn't my dad.
What the fu--
Oh, God.
This is-- This is
too much for me.
Calm down.
It was a long time ago.
No, no, everything.
First, you're a girl who's
laying in bed next to me,
and then you're an escort
who's laying in bed next to me.
Now you're an escort
who fucked her uncle
who she thought
was her cousin
is laying in bed
next to me!
This is too
fucked for me!
Relax.
Relax.
What is it? Relax?
Huh, relax?
You want me to relax?
How the fuck am I
supposed to relax?
I don't even know
who the fuck you are,
and I just put my dick inside
you for... over an hour.
Well, maybe you
should think twice
before you take
a stranger home
and have sex with her.
You know, look at you.
You don't even realize how incredibly
fucked the situation is, huh?
Why don't you just relax?
You'll get over it.
No. No, I will not
get over it, okay?
Having sex with an escort
is not something I get over.
I have never paid
for the sex in my life.
I already said this one
was on the house.
You don't get it,
do you, huh?
Come on.
Relax.
Didn't we have fun?
I thought we were
having fun.
Did you really
fuck your uncle?
Yes, but I told you
I thought it was my cousin.
Oh, God!
Why, why--
Why do you keep
saying that
like it's supposed to
make me feel better, huh?
Well, doesn't it?
I mean, what if I fucked
my uncle knowingly?
Now that's gross.
You are twisted,
you know that?
No, I'm not twisted.
I'm honest, okay?
I mean, most girls
would have lied.
If you had asked them what they did
for a living, they would have lied.
They would have said
they were a runway model
for Gucci or Dolce
or some bullshit.
I'm not ashamed
of what I am, okay?
Just 'cause you got
your hang-ups,
don't take them out
on me, Buster Brown.
Buster Brown?
Buster?
What-- What...
What is this Buster--
You are
the craziest person
I've ever met
in my life, you know?
You got another
round in you?
Another round?
What-- What was that?
What was that?
You got another
round in you?
Another round, huh?
Are you completely
oblivious
to everything that's just
taken place here, huh?
What is this?
What the fuck
is so funny, huh?
What is so--
What is so funny?
What--
You don't
laugh at me!
You come into my house--
Just relax!
I was just
fucking with you.
What?
I was fucking with you.
I'm not an fucking escort.
What?
What is this?
You're-- You're not
an escort?
No.
Are you serious?
Yeah!
You should have seen your face
when I said I fucked my uncle!
Your-- Your eyes,
like, bugged out.
Okay, wait, wait,
All of this, this is--
It was bullshit.
It was
complete bullshit.
The gun.
What about the gun?
What about the gun?
This is--
It's a lighter.
You--
It's a fucking lighter.
You're pulling-- You're
pulling my chain, eh?
No, I'm serious.
Look.
Okay, this--
I mean, it's bad--
it's bad enough
that you're being
a hooker,
but the whole "fucking
your uncle," that's--
I know.
It's so fucked.
That's just fucking
disturbing.
This is a--
This is a lighter?
You're not
an escort, huh?
No. But I mean,
come on,
would it have all
really mattered, though?
I mean...
Yeah, I think--
Yes, I...
So...
what-- what do you
really do, huh?
I'm an actress.
Oh, Jesus.
# Three, four #
# All right #
# Yeah #
# Aaahhhh #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Me #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Me #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# They are #
# All night #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# That guy #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Over there #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Better get him #
# All night long #
# I want to show
all the people here tonight #
# I mean to rock you
all fuckin' night #
# I will do this
just using the mic #
# Rockin' and rollin' #
# In the night #
# I want all the people
all around the world #
# You'd better hide #
# Oh, you're easy, girl #
# 'Cause we're a-comin'
to give them all a whirl #
# Right after this beer #
# I'm coming 'round #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Ahhhh #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# All night long #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# All night long #
# All night long #
# All night long #
# It's only magical #
# It's a beautiful life #
# When my fevered head #
# Felt the world in it #
# It's a beautiful life #
# By the road I'd lay #
# And often hear it say #
# Sew the wounds
of your life #
# Throw your TVs out #
# Buy the ring and shout #
# It's a beautiful life #
# Yeah #
# It's all here #
# My beautiful #
# It's your
magic carpet ride #
# We're all #
# Since the world has come #
# You're the only one #
# For the rest of my life #
# As my body quits #
# I feel your world in it #
# It's a beautiful life #
# Life #
Oh, God.
Easy, easy,
easy, easy.
Cramp! Cramp!
Cramp! Cramp!
Fu-- Fucking top five.
That was fucking...
top five.
So what are you saying?
Are you saying women
have it easier than men?
Look, all I'm saying
is that you guys...
women have one
certain luxury
that us men
just do not have.
Oh, yeah?
And what is this one luxury,
might I ask, baby?
Let me get my breath,
and I'm gonna tell you.
I'm gonna spell it
out for ya.
How do I know it's gonna
be pure genius?
Fine.
No matter how I say this, I'm
gonna be the fucking asshole,
so I'm just gonna come out
and say it, all right?
Sweet!
This whole
equality thing...
is crap.
God, you've got
a gift for delivery.
It's bullshit.
Look, just hear me out.
All I'm saying is that
you and I are not equal.
Sure, we all slave away
at our dead-end
stupid-ass jobs
just like each other.
But there's a difference:
the luxury.
The one luxury
that we do not have.
And?
It is not okay for us
to be dependent
on someone else.
What?
Exactly that.
You can work
your ass off.
You can go to college,
get a degree,
and get a job
just like me.
But what I can't do
is say "Fuck it"
and choose to depend
on someone else.
Only women
have that right.
If I do it, I'm a bum
or a gigolo.
If you do it,
you're a housewife.
Or even better yet,
a domestic engineer.
Give me
a fucking break!
You're right.
I know.
You're the fucking
asshole.
Come on.
Where are you going?
To flush down
your demon seeds.
You know, it's incredible
to me how someone
who appears to be so smart
can be so fucking dumb!
Yeah, well, you're
just pissed off
that you know
that shit's all true.
Fucking hamstring.
Whatever.
Tell me that it's not.
Whatever!
Yeah. You know.
Kiss my ass.
Why is it we always get
into these heated discussions
right when we're done
having sex?
Maybe because
I'm left unsatisfied
and need to take my
frustrations out somewhere?
That's not what you were
screaming a couple of minutes ago.
Yeah? What was
I screaming, big guy?
"Oh, Chris, stop.
Chris, stop.
Oh, stop! Chris, please
don't stop." Shut up!
Ow! You just
hit me in the balls.
Good.
You deserve it.
Sit down.
So...
So...
When do you think you're just
gonna come out and say it?
Say what?
How deeply in love
with me you are.
In your dreams.
Baby, it's all right.
I know.
Christopher, could you
be more full of yourself?
I could.
I just choose to keep
my arrogance toned down
around women I'm giving
the hot beef injection to.
What are you,
in third grade?
What, you don't like
"hot beef injection"?
How about my one-eyed snake?
My Dodger dog?
My giggle stick?
You're impossible.
I'm cheap and I'm easy.
Tell all your friends.
Do you ever stop?
I'll stop when you admit
your everlasting love for me.
Well, then you better get
comfortable, Mr. Giggle Stick.
Oh, I'm good.
Okay.
Good.
Seriously, Leslie.
I know that...
you have
feelings for me.
Where is this
coming from?
I mean, I thought we were
just having fun here.
Isn't that what you say?
We're friends who fuck.
I'm being serious here.
Like, why is that
so hard for you to admit?
'Cause we're friends,
Christopher.
That's all we ever are,
that's all we'll ever be:
friends.
I mean, look at us.
It would never work.
You're way
too fast for me,
and I'm way too
demanding for you, and...
And I like the way
things are.
Don't you?
I just thought...
Never mind.
What? No, never mind. You're right.
You couldn't
handle me anyway.
Excuse me?
I believe I just handled you
three times, if I'm not mistaken.
Is that what you call handling?
Yeah.
'Cause I was taking it
easy on you.
I send broads
to the chiropractor.
God, if only your dick
was as big as your ego.
If it was, I wouldn't
be able to walk around.
And neither would you,
for that matter.
Anyway, I don't
hear you complaining.
That's because you never shut up
long enough for me to get a word in.
You love my dick
as much as you love me.
Oh, shut up!
You know what I think?
Uh-uh, but I'm pretty sure
you're gonna tell me.
I think that you're the one
who's in love with me
and you're just projecting.
Yeah, that's it!
No, I'm ser--
You're trying to get me
to admit to loving you
because you're too much
of an insecure pussy
to just come out
and admit it.
Well, you've obviously put
a lot of thought to this.
Actually, no. It was just this
brilliant realization that came to me.
Are you saying that...
given the extreme
unlikelihood
that I actually did
have feelings for you,
that if I were
to make those known,
that you would then
step to the plate
and acknowledge your
undying love for me?
I'm not letting you
off the hook like that.
Like what? It doesn't work
like that, Christopher.
Love is not negotiable.
Oh, baby,
everything's negotiable.
No, not love.
Not love. Love is...
a guessing game.
And that's the beauty of it.
There's no guarantees.
It's like...diving
into a pool of water
without knowing
if it's shallow or deep.
And sure, yeah,
if it's shallow,
you end up hurt and
paralyzed from the neck down.
But if it's deep...
you know...
It's a leap of faith.
It's like throwing yourself out
there without any guarantees, dude,
and that's what
life's about.
Okay, you know
those carnival games, right?
And you know how some of them
are really hard to win
and some of them are super easy
and everyone wins?
Sure.
Well, it's just that
that's the difference
between love and sex.
Sex is the game
where everyone
wins a little prize,
and no one goes home a loser.
And...love is the game
that's really hard to win.
But if you do,
and you get to take home
that life-sized
stuffed rhinoceros,
it feels a whole lot better
than taking home
that shitty little
plastic key chain.
Hey.
Yeah?
You've got a fucked-up way
of explaining shit.
I mean...fuck!
Good night, Christopher.
Good night.
# She's a little bit cold,
she's a little bit bold #
# She's a little bit funny #
# How it feels #
# To be #
# Someone out of control,
life's taken its toll #
# When you wanted to see #
# The edge of the universe #
# You want to #
# You need to #
# Surrender #
# Surrender your heart #
# With your life #
# With your soul #
# Surrender #
# Surrender to me #
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm not gay now,
am I?
I don't know.
Did you like it?
No.
Then no, you're not gay.
But at least
now you're sure.
Yeah.
You sore?
A little.
It gets better.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I don't care.
Whatever.
You know, you don't have
to feel bad about this.
About what?
About us having fun.
There's nothing
wrong with it.
Yeah, I know. I'm just--
I'm not gay, so--
I just saying you don't
have to feel bad about it.
Everyone fools around
at least once,
whether they
admit it or not.
I can't tell you
how many straight boys
I've had this same
conversation with.
What conversation
is that?
The "talk you down from
the ledge" conversation.
What ledge, man?
What are you talking about?
You frat boys,
you're all the same!
You're all caught up in
this bullshit machismo world
that is forced upon you,
so you're afraid to have
a sensitive side.
Bullshit.
Bullshit my ass.
Right now, you're a jumper.
I so wish I knew
what the fuck
you were talking
about right now.
You're on the ledge
ready to jump
'cause you can't
deal with the fact
that you liked
having sex with a man.
It's true.
And then I come in and I give you this
whole shtick about how you're not gay
and everyone does it
at least once.
And then eventually, you
come back down off that ledge.
But now you're still left with
a hint of regret and guilt,
and you push it
deep down inside,
and it's locked away,
never to be mentioned again.
Just a distant memory that you'll
come to deny ever even happened.
It's a college campus clich.
The homophobic frat boy
that loves it in the ass,
but doesn't want anybody
to know about it.
It's sad, really.
Not me.
Whatever.
Whatever.
I'm not homophobic.
You're kidding me!
I'm not homophobic.
Then why keep it
a secret?
Because it's nobody's
fucking business.
You think I can't
read you?
You're the definition
of homophobic.
The mere thought of the
possibility of you being gay
scares you
beyond belief.
You're barking up
the wrong tree.
Whatever helps you
sleep at night.
What the fuck's
your problem?
I'm not the one
with the problem, boy!
Don't call me "boy,"
you fucking faggot!
Well, there it is.
I was waiting for it.
What?
You just proved
my entire point.
'Cause I called you a faggot?
Bingo.
What the fuck does that mean, "bingo?"
You know what?
I'm really tired,
and I'm sick of having
to explain
everything to you.
So if you don't mind,
I'd rather you just leave.
Why did you do it?
What do you care?
I want to know.
You really want
to know why?
Yeah.
Power.
Power?
Yeah.
Power.
Elaborate.
My whole life, starting
from grade school
up until the point
I came out of the closet,
I was beaten up,
ridiculed,
made fun of,
and completely alienated
because of the way I was born,
because I'm attracted
to guys.
You can't fucking imagine how
powerless this makes someone feel,
how powerless I felt.
All through high school,
I had to hide who I was
for fear of people
finding out the truth.
I even dated girls.
I had sex with them
just so that...
people thought
that I was straight,
that I was...normal.
And it tore me up inside.
To the point where...
Never mind.
What?
Nothing.
Um...
Forget it.
Please. What?
I tried to kill myself,
all right?
I tried to commit
fucking suicide because...
I couldn't deal
with who I was.
I was afraid of people
finding out the truth about me.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I hated myself
for who I was.
For who I am.
Kinda pathetic, huh?
No, man, it's not.
Yeah, well, eventually...
once I got to college, I
wasn't too different from you.
I-I joined a frat
and drank lots of beer
and made the usual
homoerotic gay jokes.
Then I met a guy, and...
He wasn't too different
from you and me.
He helped me accept
who I am.
Just a regular person...
just like
everyone else.
And it was kind of
crazy because
as soon as I made
the decision to come out,
that feeling of
powerlessness just vanished.
Granted, I still have to deal
with my family and friends, but...
as soon as I made that
decision that I was happy,
that I loved myself,
it didn't matter
what anyone else thought.
It was like, "Fuck them
if they can't deal with it."
I'm gay.
I've always been gay,
and I always will be gay.
That's kinda cool, man.
Think I'm like
how you are?
I'm not arrogant enough to
pretend to know who you are.
You might be like me.
You might just be curious.
But either way,
whatever you are,
don't try and cater
to other people's ideas
of what you should be.
You just be you.
So, are you?
What, gay?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Still trying to figure
out if I liked it.
You wanna give it
another shot?
Maybe you're a pitcher.
As long as you promise
not to tell anyone.
Yeah, why not?
You okay?
I think so.
Did you bleed?
It doesn't
look like it.
Did the condom
stay on?
Did it feel good?
Yeah!
Did it feel good for you?
I don't know.
It kinda hurt,
but towards the end,
I think it started
to feel good.
You think?
Well, it all
happened so fast.
What do you mean?
It was just over
kinda quickly.
It was my first time, too!
Oh, no, I know!
I wasn't complaining.
It was...
I don't know.
I feel kinda weird just
lying here naked with you.
Yeah, me, too.
The only other time
a girl's seen me naked
was when Sherry Kelly gave me
a blowjob in the 10th grade.
Sherry Kelly
sucked your dick?
You didn't know that?
How would I know that?
Everyone at school knows!
I threw up on her.
What?
Yeah. It was my
first blowjob.
I came the moment her lips
touched my dick.
Anyway, when she was
cleaning me up down there...
I got so nervous,
I threw up.
On her?
Yeah, all over.
She's never spoken
to me since.
So, that's why she
doesn't talk to you?
Yep.
I can't believe
she told people that.
Well, in her defense,
the only person she told
was Becky Matsuhara.
Becky was the evil bitch
who told everyone else.
They called me
"Pukey Sam the Minuteman"
for a whole year after that.
Constant reminder of just how
much high school sucks ass.
I'm sorry.
Eh, don't worry about it.
It was a long time ago.
Anyway, Becky got hit
by a garbage truck and died
almost a year later
to the day.
The universe works in
wonderful and mysterious ways.
So, this really was
your first time?
Yeah.
What?
I don't know.
It's just kinda cool,
that's all.
Us losing our virginity
together.
Oh, shit!
What? Who is that?
I don't know.
I thought you said
your parents were at work.
They were. I thought
they were. Fuck!
Get dressed really quick.
Shit!
Get under the--
Get under the--
I'm hurrying!
Hey.
Hi, Mom.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Just...lying down.
I'm a little tired.
Well, were you
talking to someone?
No.
I mean, yeah.
Um, it was Bree.
I just got off
the phone with her.
Kristy, what's
going on here?
What do you mean?
Did you have
someone over here?
No, why?
You sure?
Yeah.
Then why does it
smell in here?
Mom, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Kristy, I want you
to swear
that no one
was over here.
I swear.
Okay.
Kristy, you know that
you can talk to me, right?
Yeah, sure.
I mean about boys
and, um...sex.
Mom...
I don't know if your
father and I ever had...
that talk with you.
Mom...
You know,
the sex talk.
Anyway, it goes
like this.
It, um...
When-- When you reach
a certain age, you...
you start having
feelings and--
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Oh, you do?
Yeah. I've known
since the sixth grade.
Don't you remember when
I walked in on you and Dad
doing it dressed like
Superman and Lois Lane
while Tim,
the creepy guy next door,
took notes dressed
as Jimmy the reporter?
Oh...yeah.
Well, um...
Good. Right. Uh...
So I'm here if--
if you ever want
to talk to me,
all right?
And, um,
if you ever...
are going to...
do anything,
just please be careful.
And, um...
use, um...
you know...
a condom.
Mom.
Okay, okay!
I just want you
to be...
I just want you
to be all right.
I'm fine, Mom, thanks.
Kristy?
Yeah?
Better get him out of here
before your father gets home.
Shit.
I am so fucked.
Are you?
Yeah, and you are, too, unless
you get the hell out of here.
Enough said.
What are you doing?
Going out the balcony.
What does it look like?
Just go out
the front door.
My mom already
knows you're here.
I'm not walking
past your mom
after she knows
we just did it.
You can deal with
an entire high school
full of people knowing you threw
up during your first blowjob,
but you can't
walk past my mom?
Good point.
Nice.
Yeah, it was nice.
Get out of here!
Bye.
Bye.
# The specialness
of today... #
Well, that was nice.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You wanna
do it again?
No, not right now.
Okay.
I just wanna marinate
in this for a while.
You do know this is
just casual, right?
Yeah, of course.
Okay. Good.
'Cause I don't want you
freaking out on me,
catching feelings and shit.
Look, I'm not into girls.
I just like my pussy licked,
and you like to lick it.
That's our dynamic,
no more, no less.
Yeah.
I just want you to get it
through your head right now--
No, it's understood.
No feelings whatsoever.
Okay.
Anyway, I'm not--
I'm not gay either.
You know, this is...
It's fun.
Okay, whatever.
You don't have to hide
the fact that you're gay.
I don't care.
I'm not.
Look, you can do
whatever you want.
I just don't want you falling
in love with me, that's all.
I don't have patience
for that type of of bullshit,
man or woman.
Okay.
Nikki, you think
I'm gay?
Aren't you?
I mean, I don't know.
Well, anyone that likes pussy as
much as you do has got to be gay.
All right!
I like guys, too, okay?
Really? When was the last
time you were with a guy?
Uh, high school.
Okay.
Did you like it?
That's what
I thought.
Look, who cares, okay?
You like pussy,
I like dicks.
No big deal.
Whoa, whoa.
Do you have to be
so crude about it?
What's that mean?
I mean, like--
I don't know.
You can be--
You can be...
really abrasive sometimes,
you know, that's all.
No, that's the way
I talk.
If you don't like it,
too fucking bad, okay?
I'm blunt; I call it
as I see it.
Really?
Yeah.
You're an aspiring
rug muncher
who makes me come.
Well, I'm a raging bitch
who loves the cock.
That's the reality
of the situation.
Look, the only reason
I let you go down on me
is because it's been a little
slow around the dorms lately.
And well, frankly,
I'm a little bored
with the selection
of available fuck sticks
around here, okay?
Oh, Jesus, Kat, please, please
do not get emotional on me, okay?
I'm not emotional!
Yes, you are!
I'm a cunt, and you
should know that, okay?
You're my fucking roommate,
for Christ's sake!
Have you ever seen me
be nice to anyone?
No, no, I guess not.
Okay, exactly.
It's just that...
you're so different when
we're fooling around, you know?
Well, yeah! That's 'cause
you're getting me off.
Oh, my God!
Like...
Well, maybe
it's the only time
I'm able to suppress my
fucking bitchiness long enough
to appear like
a decent human being.
Just in case I haven't
made it clear to you,
Kat, I'm not.
All right.
Okay.
You do know
you're gay, right?
Yeah.
Is that the first time
you've ever said that?
What, that I'm gay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool. I'm honored.
Oh, shut up.
Look, Kat,
I'm serious, okay?
Look, you're being honest with
yourself about who you are.
I don't know. Maybe a little
bit of me is rubbing off on you.
Oh, God forbid.
What? As fucked up
as I may be,
I must have some
redeeming qualities, right?
You definitely
have a few.
You are a slut.
I can deal with that.
Okay.
Just do me a favor and don't
repeat this conversation, okay?
Okay. As long as you don't tell
anybody that you give me steady orgasms.
Deal.
Okay.
So, what, you don't
want anyone to know?
No, it's not that.
It's just...
I want to do it on my
own timeline, you know?
And besides,
it's nobody's business.
Eventually,
I am gonna come out.
Do your parents know?
Fuck no.
They would shit
a solid gold brick
if they were
to find out.
Well, listen to you,
Miss Potty Mouth.
Well, it must be
sexually contracted.
Oh, meh-maybe!
But okay, I mean,
listen, Kat...
what are they gonna do
when they find out?
Oh, first, they'll
probably disown me.
Then after a while
of not speaking to me,
they'll act like
they're doing me a favor
by having me explain
to them exactly why
I'm making the decision
to be gay.
Oh, my God, that is
just so fucked up.
Tell me about it.
So what's it
taste like anyway?
What?
Pussy.
I don't know.
Seriously,
I want to know.
Well..
Wha--
You wanna know.
Oh, come on.
I don't want to know that bad, okay?
I'm just curious
is all.
Oh.
I don't know.
It tastes good.
I like it.
Oh, really? I know
you like it, okay?
I just-- I mean, like,
what does it taste like?
Look, does it
taste like chicken?
Does it taste
like potatoes?
I mean, does it
taste like tuna?
Don't!
Oh, I can't--
No, it--
You know it smells like tuna.
No, it depends, okay?
It-- It depends.
It's always a little
different and-- and...
I guess a little salty.
And everybody's unique.
What do I taste like?
What-- no--
You asked, Nikki.
I know,
but I just...
I just-- I mean, like, I would
just assume it's nasty, so--
Why?
It's a moist cavity
between your legs, Kat.
A moist cavity?
I've nev--
It is, okay?
And it sometimes
gets sweaty,
so it sometimes
smells.
It's just...
It's just
a little gross.
No, it's not.
You definitely...
You want it clean.
You honestly want to know
what you taste like?
Well, I asked
didn't I?
Okay. Come here.
Open your legs.
You taste...
so fucking good.
Okay, I'm no lesbo,
but that was really hot.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Almost made me want
to go down on you.
Really?
Almost.
Uhh! Oh!
I forgot how fun
that was!
Well, speak for
yourself, old-timer.
I'm gonna hunt down
and kill that doctor
who gave you
those pills.
Mmwah!
Can I ask you something?
I hate when you do that.
Ask me if you're gonna
ask me something.
You're already asking
me something
by asking if you can
ask me something.
Okay, I'm sorry.
So?
Well...
if you had the chance to go
back in time and change things--
you know, like,
you and I being together,
would you?
Would I change anything
if I could go back in time?
Yeah.
No.
God, no.
Gene, I wouldn't change
a single thing.
I couldn't have dreamed up
a better life
in my best
night's sleep.
You're still my knight
in shining armor.
Always have been,
always will be.
You're just as amazing
as the first night I met you.
Who would have thought we would
have found love at a gangbang?
Do you remember
that key party
where old Walter Cotton couldn't
get his pecker out of my ass?
Oh, yeah!
Remember the look
on his face?
Oh, sure do!
Ho ho!
He was like
a helpless pup
locked up with
a bitch in heat.
All he was missing
was the amused owner
chasing his little
water hose.
You remember what
his wife Diane said
after he finally
got it out?
Oh, yeah. She said,
"Who wants pudding?"
Whoa, what's wrong
with that crazy woman?
Oh, God!
So gross!
Oh, he was a kick
in the pants, huh?
And hung like a horse.
You ain't lying.
He had a dick so big
it'd choke a donkey.
Looked like a baby's leg,
didn't it?
Yeah...a fat baby.
Sex was different
back then.
Yeah. Everything was so
much more free, you know?
No rules, no ambitions, no jealousies.
Mm-hmm.
No shaved pubic hair.
Mm-hmm.
And no diseases that
you couldn't take care of
with a visit
to the doctor
and a quick shot
of penicillin.
Today-- let me
tell you something--
these kids gotta wear
a coat of armor
before they park their car
in any woman's garage.
I would wear
three or four.
Yeah, you would.
Do you remember
the night
I brought home
LouAnn and Cecilia
after the Jefferson Airplane
show at the Fillmore?
The summer of 1969.
Uh-huh.
I couldn't forget that
if I tried.
No matter
how long we live,
I'll never be able to
repay you for that night.
I didn't know
fisting was possible.
Oh, yeah,
it's possible.
Hurts like a son of a gun,
but it's possible.
That girl was cryin'! "Whaaa!" Yeah.
She had pleasure
and pain at the same time.
"Aahhh! Wahhhh!"
Oh, God.
Well, it hurt.
Yeah.
"Wahhhh!"
I'd say,
damn right it hurt.
Somebody got their fist
up your damn thing, girl.
Oh, God!
It won't be
feeling good.
Mwah!
What do you think
the kids would think
if they knew about us?
What, you mean
about our past?
Yeah.
You mean the swapping
and the...sex stuff?
Yes, you numbskull.
I swear,
sometimes I think
you're as thickheaded
as a mule.
You don't have
to be so nasty.
Maybe they'll have
heart attacks.
You think?
Who would want to think
about their parents
doing the bang-bang-bang?
You know, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.
Daddy got his
drawers off,
big old butt sticking
up in the air.
Bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang.
Oh, shut up.
I always wondered
if they knew.
Nah. No way.
Mm-mmm.
Do you think, uh--
You think they'd be ashamed?
I don't know; it's hard to
figure out what they think.
Yeah, well, I guess there's no
use in worrying about it now.
No use at all.
Let me tell you something.
We made our decisions, and we lived
through them, and now we're here.
What more
can we ask for?
Yeah, you're right.
I know I'm right,
baby doll.
Shit, after 40 years
of marriage,
you think you would
figure that out by now.
Cupcakes, 40.
Gene?
Hmm?
What year were we married?
You ever think
we'd end up here?
What do you mean,
"here"?
You know, me, you,
together, old?
We're not that old.
Yeah.
We're no spring chickens,
I'll tell you that.
Well, we're not old.
Old is Bea Arthur
and Bob Hope and...
What's that guy
that owns everything?
Ted Turner?
Yeah.
They're old.
We're not old.
We're...refined.
But Bob Hope is dead.
Yeah, true.
But to answer
your question,
I don't know if I ever
thought we'd end up here.
I don't know.
I hoped.
Yeah.
Me, too.
You know, out of all
the other women
I buried my bone in--
and you know me, I buried
my bone in a lot of them--
there was never
anyone but you.
You've always had
a way with words, Gene.
You old sweet thing, you.
Come on.
Don't call me old.
Bite you.
Fucking--
Gotta be--
Goddammit!
Get off me!
Whoo!
Can't you come
a little quicker?
No, bro.
Oh, buddy.
Mm! Oh, fuck, bro.
Man, wow,
that was rockin'.
Rock and roll, man!
Put 'er there, buddy.
Aah! That hurts!
Mmm!
Oh, fuckin'...
Uhh!
Whoo!
So what do you
want to do?
I don't know.
What's everybody else
doing, man?
They're going dancing.
They're heading down
to Boys Town.
It's '80s night
at Rage.
God, our friends are
so fucking gay, man.
Tell me about it.
So what do you think?
I don't know.
Any other ideas?
I don't know.
We could stay up
all night
and have sex
like rock stars,
keep up the neighbors,
sweat...
shake the earth.
Sounds pretty nice,
but...I wasn't joking.
My ass kinda hurts.
Wanna go catch a movie
or something?
Oh, yeah?
What's out?
Not much.
Seems the only entertainment
I've been getting
from going to the theater is
watching some poor sap pay 12.50
to see some half-assed recycled
excuse for a motion picture.
Yeah, man.
Well, we're two of those
poor saps, mister.
I wanna drive.
I'm driving.
So, uh, how's this
gonna work, man?
What do you mean?
I mean, how's this
gonna work?
You mean us?
Yes, Bob.
I don't know, Neil.
Why do you ask?
'Cause I wanna fucking know, that's why.
Well, I don't have a
fucking answer, all right?
My ass is so sore.
Well, don't expect me
to be the fucking bitch
in this relationship,
you got it?
I'm the butch.
I've always been
the butch.
I'll always
be the butch.
Neil's the fucking butch,
you know what I mean?
Fucking Christ,
do we have to have
the State of the Union
talk right fucking now?
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
What--
I'm no bitch!
Well, that's our
problem, Einstein.
Why does it have to be
a fucking problem?
'Cause that's the way
it fucking works, man.
There's the bitch
and there's the butch.
I don't make
the rules, okay?
That's so pass.
Pass?
Yes, pass.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe
we've found ourselves a bitch!
Pull over.
Pull over.
So where were we?
Oh, yeah.
Listen, just because
the heterosexual public
has a uniformed
stereotype
of what a normal gay
couple's dynamic should be
doesn't mean that we,
the gay community,
have to abide by their
small-minded perceptions
and their inability
to think outside the box.
So what are you
proposing?
I'm not proposing
anything.
I'm just saying that
just because people expect
a bitch and a butch
doesn't--
that doesn't mean that's
the way it has to be.
I mean, look at
Ingrid and Sarah.
They're both fucking
butch as fuck,
and they've been
happily together
for fucking over
You're right.
Lesbians are so
ahead of the curve.
They are. They're on top
of their fucking game, man.
And you don't see the
two of them feeling bad
for not fitting into the
socially expected archetypes
of what a happy
gay couple should be.
Neil, I just--
I don't understand why this
is bothering you so much.
I don't know,
it's just that...
all the gay couples
we know,
there's a masculine
and a fem.
So?
I don't know, it's just
rare that a gay couple
breaks the mold,
that's all.
I think you're
forgetting
about the first
gay couple, man.
Who's that?
R2-D2 and C-3PO.
What are you
talking about?
C-3PO was a total bitch.
Oh, Lord, I do hope we make it
to the launch pad on time.
Hurry, R2.
Hurry.
Faggots, man.
Faggot talk.
Yeah, but what
was R2, then?
Oh, okay. I think I see
where you're going with this.
See? I mean, some can argue
that R2 was the bitch,
I mean, for constantly
putting up with 3PO's shit.
And continuing
to hang out with him
even though
the persistent nagging
by that fucking
British twat.
You made your point.
But on a small
side note,
R2 and 3P0 weren't
the fist gay couple.
What? Shut up.
Of course they were.
Nope, you're wrong.
Who was it, then?
Gilligan and the Skipper.
Oh, shit!
Yeah.
I never thought
about it like that.
You never thought about that?
You kidding me?
You never noticed
the pet name "Little Buddy"?
Come on!
And the fact that
Ginger and Mary Ann,
those fine little
pieces of ass,
never got any action
from either one of them?
They were fucking
hot, too.
Yeah, if they only
had dicks.
And a mouthful.
Oh, yeah.
So I guess no one
has to be the bitch.
Neil, neither of us are
capable of being the bitch.
You're the lead singer
of a hair band,
and I'm a high school
football coach.
We both hate the fuck
out of Barbra Streisand.
Shit.
Listen, I don't know
how it works,
but it does,
all right?
And...I'm not
gonna change,
and I know you're
not gonna change,
so why should we
fucking change, then?
I mean,
you're happy, right?
Oh, yeah.
And I'm happy, too.
Yeah.
So fuck everyone!
Neil?
Yeah?
Thanks.
For what?
For just being you.
Yeah, no problem.
What?
What what?
I'm glad we're together,
you know, and...
I'm really glad we...
we can talk the way
we do, you know?
I'm just-- I'm...
I've never been able to talk to
someone the way I talk to you.
How did this
suddenly turn into
an After School
Special, man?
Come on, Neil...
just 'cause
you're a manly man
doesn't mean you
can't have a heart.
Yeah.
Be Neil here.
I'm just sayin'
I don't...
I just want you
to know that...
I appreciate you,
you know?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Cool.
Thanks.
I appreciate you,
too, you know.
I'm sorry if I, uh...
don't express my feelings.
It's just-- that's not
really my thing, you know?
Jesus, now I sound like
I'm an After School Special.
It's okay.
I know your deal.
Why do we do this?
I don't know.
It was good, though.
It's always good.
That was never the
problem with us, David.
Yeah, so what
was the problem?
The problem is you.
Me?
Yeah, you.
You're emotionally
unavailable
and completely
unwilling
to open yourself up
to anyone.
That is not true.
I'm completely
open with Yesenia.
Her name is Yesenia?
Yeah. What's wrong
with that?
Nothing.
Never mind.
Anyway, that's why we're
no longer together,
whether you want to
fess up to it or not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
So you're saying
the only reason
that we broke up
was because of me?
Yeah.
What about you?
What about me?
Hmm, let's see.
You were totally jealous,
completely insecure,
and always certain that
I was cheating on you.
You were always
cheating on me.
Yeah, but you didn't
know that.
Here's what your
problem is, Jordy.
You are unable
to trust anyone.
That's bullshit.
I trust Greg.
Wait. His name is Greg,
like Greg Brady?
I love that guy.
I used to watch
that guy growing up.
I'm a big fan.
Yeah, so?
He's nice.
And he doesn't stick his dick
in everything that moves.
So I like women?
So what?
David, when you're
with someone,
you know, together,
the idea is that
you're only with them.
I told you my weaknesses
from the very beginning.
You also told me
you'd change.
You said you loved me.
I did love you.
And yet you still
managed to fuck
the majority
of my friends,
one in my own bed,
no less.
Oh, and this Greg is just the
king of monogamy, I presume?
Greg and I have been
together for over a year,
and he has not so much
as looked at another girl.
That's what you think.
That's what I know.
Greg and I are in love.
Then...why are you here?
Why are you here?
Look, I'm not the one
claiming to be in love.
Yesenia's just a...
a thing, you know?
She knows the deal.
Oh. So...
she'd have no problem
knowing that you just
rented a room in a hotel
so you could fuck
your ex-girlfriend?
Don't analyze me. I don't
need that shit right now.
Why, 'cause it's
the truth?
No, because you're not
a fucking psychiatrist.
I'm not paying you
a hundred dollars an hour
to figure out
what's wrong with me.
You're just mad because
you know I'm dead-on.
So what if you're dead-on.
What does that prove?
It proves exactly
what I said before.
You're fucking delusional,
you know that?
If that's not the pot
calling the kettle black...
What?
Look, I know what I am,
and I'm fine with it.
You, on the other hand, are caught
up in this fucking fantasy world
where everyone
is who you want them to be,
but not who they are.
The truth hurts,
don't it?
Fuck you.
Aw. Now you're gonna
get all mad at me
because I told you
the truth
after you blasted me out of
the water with your judgment?
Fuck you.
And you wonder
why I left.
Oh, that's rich.
That's good, Jordy.
You left.
Well, that's not really the way that I remember it.
But that's okay. We can go back and
rewrite the book of "David and Jordy."
Oh, just shut up,
okay?
Okay.
You don't still
have feelings for me?
No, of course not.
I am so over you.
Okay, well, you never
answered me, then.
Why are you here?
You never answered
me either.
With what?
Why are you here?
Jesus Christ, Jordy.
I thought we pretty much
covered this, didn't we?
Okay, to paraphrase
the long and tedious subject
that we just discussed,
I am a womanizer, okay?
I like all different
types of women.
I like the way
that they smell.
I like the way
that they taste.
I like the way
that they fuck!
The problem is
I find it hard
to stay loyal or honest
to one particular woman
at one particular time.
There, I said it.
Fine. Are you happy?
Now why are you here?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Look, are you happy
with...Tom?
John? What the fuck
is his name again?
Greg.
Yeah, Greg.
Aren't you happy
with Greg?
Yeah. I mean,
yes, I am.
Then why?
I don't have an answer.
I don't fucking know,
all right?
All right, Jesus.
No need to get hostile.
I was just wondering,
since we're in such
an honest mood here tonight,
laying naked
beside one another,
just having shared the most
intimate of body fluids,
I thought we could
just kind of...wshhhh,
just get everything
out in the open.
Look, we know why I'm
cheating on my girlfriend,
because I'm a piece
of shit.
But at least
I know what I am,
and I'm honest
with myself about it.
Yeah, unfortunately,
you're the only person
you have the ability
to be honest to.
It's only because
I'm compassionate.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
The only reason
that I lie to women
is to protect them
from being hurt.
Oh, my God!
You drive me
fucking crazy!
I mean, it's just--
it's amazing to me
how you can justify
your lying and womanizing
by believing that you're
doing us women a favor.
Like we couldn't
handle the truth.
Well, could you?
I don't know.
But at least we wouldn't
end up with broken hearts.
I mean, you think
you're doing us a favor?
You think you're
being compassionate
by letting us think
that we're the only ones?
No, you're the one that's
fucking delusional, David.
All you're doing
is delaying the process.
Sneaking behind our backs,
fucking anything with a
pair of tits and three holes,
eventually making us look like
idiots, breaking our spirits.
That is not
compassionate, David.
That is fucking evil.
Evil?
Yeah, evil.
And the sad thing is
you can't even comprehend
why it's evil
because you've never
had to feel anything.
It must be so nice to be
as numb to the world as you,
protected and sheltered
by your own shallowness.
So much so that you don't
even realize what you're doing
is downright wrong.
You done?
Why are you such an asshole?
I don't know.
It's a gift.
No, it's just sad.
I mean, I can't expect
you to understand
what it feels like
to be heartbroken.
You wanna know why?
Why?
'Cause you don't
have a heart.
By the way, I lied.
It is small.
# And still I rise #
# And still I rise #
# Like the sun I'll shine #
# Oh, and still I rise... #
Oh, yeah.
Uh...
What's your name again?
Alanna.
Ah.
What was yours?
Uh, Marco.
Oh.
It's nice
to meet you again.
Yes.
You, too.
R-Really.
Where, uh--
Where are you from?
Arkansas.
Huh?
This little town
outside of Little Rock.
Um...Little Rock?
Yeah, it's one of the
bigger cities in Arkansas.
Oh.
No, no,
never heard of it.
Where are you from,
Mexico or something?
Uh, well, I'm Spanish,
and, uh...
I'm from Madrid.
Is-- What part
of Mexico is that in?
Oh, no, it's--
it's in Spain.
I know, but isn't that
in Mexico?
No, it's in Spain.
It's a country?
In Europe?
Oh! Okay, like,
by England.
Y-Yeah, kind of.
What, um-- What language
do they speak there?
Spanish.
I know, but isn't that
what they speak in, um--
in, uh...Mexico?
Yes, but the language--
uh, the language
originated in Spain.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
Yes. Positive.
Hmm. See, 'cause
I have a...
I have
a Mexican friend,
and he speaks
Spanish.
So is tonight your first
night at the Spider Club?
No. No, I've been there
quite a bit.
You?
No, I'm there all the time.
I'm surprised I've
never seen you there.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
What's your
favorite, uh...
color?
My favorite color.
Um, I don't know.
Gray, I guess.
Oh, no, see,
gray's not a color.
Sure it is.
I have a gray
sweater.
Oh.
So what do you do?
I'm an actor.
Really?
Yeah, well,
an aspiring actor.
Would I have seen you
in anything?
Probably not, no.
Oh.
Oh-- Well, actually,
I was Cholo #3
in an episodio
of Oz one time.
Oh, cool!
Yeah.
Yeah, my agent,
he says that, uh--
He says that things
are going to be
picking up for me
very soon.
Really?
Well, he says I have
a unique quality
that sets me apart
from the pack.
Hmm.
It's only a matter
of time, he says,
before I get
my big break.
Cool.
He describes me
as the next, uh...
the next
Antonio Banderas.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I love that guy.
I love Fantasy Island.
Oh, so good.
Yeah.
What do you do?
I'm a model.
See, I would have
guessed that.
Really?
You look like a model.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
What kind of modeling
do you do?
Um...
Mostly print.
Mm-hmm.
Adult stuff,
you know.
Really?
Yeah.
Just for now,
till I can find
something better to do.
Oh.
It's cool.
Would I have seen--
seen you in something?
Maybe. Do you ever
pick up the L.A. Express?
That's, uh--
That's the paper that
advertises for hookers.
Uh...yeah.
Call-- Call girls
or something?
They're escorts.
S-Sorry.
Sorry.
Actually, yeah.
I've seen it--
I've seen it
a couple of times.
I had--
I had this--
You are not a...
you're not a professional,
though, are you?
Yeah!
What?
Yeah, I'm an escort
from time to time.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause you just
asked me right now.
I mean, I just fucking
went down on you.
Jesus Christ, don't you
think that's something
you should tell someone
before you--
you sleep with them?
No.
You didn't tell me what you
did before you slept with me.
That's different, okay?
I-I don't sleep with
random people for money.
You're not upset,
are you?
A little bit.
Oh, jeez.
You don't have
something, do you?
Like what?
Like a fucking
disease or something.
No.
No way. I make all
the guys wear condoms.
It's my number one rule.
Oh, Jesus.
My fucking dong is going
to mush up and fall off.
Come on,
don't be angry.
What were you doing
at the club tonight?
Shouldn't you be out
working or something?
Silly. Escorts
like to party, too.
Besides, it's a good place
to pick up work.
Oh, my God.
You don't expect me
to pay for this, do you?
No. I liked it.
I like sex just like
the next person, you know?
That's why I do
what I do.
Can we not-- Let's not
talk about it, okay?
Just be careful,
yeah?
I don't know why you get
so uncomfortable about it.
It's kinda cute.
And you're
for real, huh?
Yeah, I mean, it's not like I
sleep with that many more men
than every other
stupid girl at the club.
I'm just smart enough
to get paid for it.
But you're selling
yourself.
You're ashamed, no?
No. Why should I be?
I like what I do, and until
something more promising comes along,
then I'm happy
getting paid to have sex.
I like to do
the boopsy.
Were you abused
as a child or something?
No!
How-- How long have you
been doing this?
Um--
Right here.
Since I moved here.
I was waiting tables,
and this guy made me an offer.
And was he serious?
Mm-hmm.
Yep. He offered me a thousand
bucks to come home with him.
Oh, Jesus.
A thousand bucks.
So I did it.
Oh, he was so cute.
And he was nice.
I would have went home with him
for free if he would have asked,
but I figured I'd make me
some money, you know?
Hmm.
After that, you know,
I told my friend,
and we both decided
to quit waiting tables
and do it for a living.
Not too bad.
It's honest work.
I offer a service
and I get my rocks off
in the meantime, so it
works out for everyone.
Ooh!
I'm home, honey!
Jesus.
Uh, don't you come across
the scumbags, huh?
Sometimes, but...
that's where this
comes in.
Oh, Jesus!
Okay.
What, don't they have
guns in Mexico?
Mexico, they're all
about the guns,
but in Spain, no.
Okay...be careful
with that, huh?
Don't be scared.
I know how to handle a gun.
I've been shooting
since I was six.
Okay, uh...
Put it-- Put it
in the bag.
Zip, zip, zip, zip,
zip it in the bag, okay?
Put it away.
Aw, you're scared.
Anyway, I try not
to worry too much,
'cause I'm
a pretty, uh--
I'm a pretty good judge
of character, you know?
Hey!
I trusted you,
didn't I?
Ay.
Anyhoo,
I don't worry
too much.
I do what
I want to do,
and if I'm not
feeling it, I don't.
Oy.
Are you all right?
Oy, I--
I don't know.
Hey, look, don't let it
bother you, okay?
I promise, I am clean.
I use protection.
Look, I'm just
a normal person like you
except for I get
paid to fuck.
Okay, okay.
Could you please stop
saying that, yes?
What are you doing
in there?
I-- I'm cleaning up.
Okay.
Oy.
How-- How old were you
when you first had the sex?
Yes-- Yes, 12.
Okay.
Um...
Yeah, 12.
Okay.
With-- With who?
Uh, my Uncle Danny.
You fucked with
your Uncle Danny?
Yeah, but I thought
it was my cousin.
Oh-- Oh, Jesus.
What can I say?
It was dark in my room.
Okay, but you thought
it was your cousin.
Yeah, well,
me and my cousin,
we've always
fooled around.
Why--
I told you I was from Arkansas.
What is that
supposed to mean?
It's just it's not that
uncommon of a thing, that's all.
At least
it wasn't my dad.
What the fu--
Oh, God.
This is-- This is
too much for me.
Calm down.
It was a long time ago.
No, no, everything.
First, you're a girl who's
laying in bed next to me,
and then you're an escort
who's laying in bed next to me.
Now you're an escort
who fucked her uncle
who she thought
was her cousin
is laying in bed
next to me!
This is too
fucked for me!
Relax.
Relax.
What is it? Relax?
Huh, relax?
You want me to relax?
How the fuck am I
supposed to relax?
I don't even know
who the fuck you are,
and I just put my dick inside
you for... over an hour.
Well, maybe you
should think twice
before you take
a stranger home
and have sex with her.
You know, look at you.
You don't even realize how incredibly
fucked the situation is, huh?
Why don't you just relax?
You'll get over it.
No. No, I will not
get over it, okay?
Having sex with an escort
is not something I get over.
I have never paid
for the sex in my life.
I already said this one
was on the house.
You don't get it,
do you, huh?
Come on.
Relax.
Didn't we have fun?
I thought we were
having fun.
Did you really
fuck your uncle?
Yes, but I told you
I thought it was my cousin.
Oh, God!
Why, why--
Why do you keep
saying that
like it's supposed to
make me feel better, huh?
Well, doesn't it?
I mean, what if I fucked
my uncle knowingly?
Now that's gross.
You are twisted,
you know that?
No, I'm not twisted.
I'm honest, okay?
I mean, most girls
would have lied.
If you had asked them what they did
for a living, they would have lied.
They would have said
they were a runway model
for Gucci or Dolce
or some bullshit.
I'm not ashamed
of what I am, okay?
Just 'cause you got
your hang-ups,
don't take them out
on me, Buster Brown.
Buster Brown?
Buster?
What-- What...
What is this Buster--
You are
the craziest person
I've ever met
in my life, you know?
You got another
round in you?
Another round?
What-- What was that?
What was that?
You got another
round in you?
Another round, huh?
Are you completely
oblivious
to everything that's just
taken place here, huh?
What is this?
What the fuck
is so funny, huh?
What is so--
What is so funny?
What--
You don't
laugh at me!
You come into my house--
Just relax!
I was just
fucking with you.
What?
I was fucking with you.
I'm not an fucking escort.
What?
What is this?
You're-- You're not
an escort?
No.
Are you serious?
Yeah!
You should have seen your face
when I said I fucked my uncle!
Your-- Your eyes,
like, bugged out.
Okay, wait, wait,
All of this, this is--
It was bullshit.
It was
complete bullshit.
The gun.
What about the gun?
What about the gun?
This is--
It's a lighter.
You--
It's a fucking lighter.
You're pulling-- You're
pulling my chain, eh?
No, I'm serious.
Look.
Okay, this--
I mean, it's bad--
it's bad enough
that you're being
a hooker,
but the whole "fucking
your uncle," that's--
I know.
It's so fucked.
That's just fucking
disturbing.
This is a--
This is a lighter?
You're not
an escort, huh?
No. But I mean,
come on,
would it have all
really mattered, though?
I mean...
Yeah, I think--
Yes, I...
So...
what-- what do you
really do, huh?
I'm an actress.
Oh, Jesus.
# Three, four #
# All right #
# Yeah #
# Aaahhhh #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Me #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Me #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# They are #
# All night #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# That guy #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Over there #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Better get him #
# All night long #
# I want to show
all the people here tonight #
# I mean to rock you
all fuckin' night #
# I will do this
just using the mic #
# Rockin' and rollin' #
# In the night #
# I want all the people
all around the world #
# You'd better hide #
# Oh, you're easy, girl #
# 'Cause we're a-comin'
to give them all a whirl #
# Right after this beer #
# I'm coming 'round #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Ahhhh #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# All night long #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# All night long #
# All night long #
# All night long #