Age of Summerhood (2013) Movie Script
Little boxes,
on the hillside
Little boxes made
of ticky tacky
Little boxes, little boxes,
little boxes all the same
There's a green one,
and a pink one
And a blue one
and a yellow one
And they're all made
out of ticky tacky
And they all look
just the same
Camp. It was a time of magic.
A soulful summer
of acoustic rock.
No parents.
No school. No parole.
And there's doctors
and there's lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made
out of ticky tacky
And they all look
just the same
Looking back over my life.
I'd always remembered this summer,
was the best summer I ever had.
Broom!
Although I don't remember
having any fun.
I'm a ninja.
It's interesting how that works.
At the age of 10,
nothing is hindsight.
The limit of what you know, is
tested by every new experience.
You have no past
to compare with the present,
to prepare you for the future.
And if confidence is the
sum of trial and training.
What you're left with, is terror,
panic and insecurity.
And that is why nature makes
children stupid.
This way they can do anything.
Be anything.
Say anything.
If they had any sense at all,
they'd be miserable, like I was.
And that my friends
is the curse,
of premature thoughtfulness.
No, we cleaned
the rec for that one.
The goat pubes?
No, that was the day of mopping.
I remember feeling taller.
What about the
toothpaste in the ears,
what did we get for that?
I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure I was taller.
These were my
best friends in the world.
I hate all of you.
And I hated them all.
First was Grandpa, mildly aware
of his previous lives.
Born only with a memory
of pessimism.
Next was Reckless:
The redheaded socialite,
whose freckled face starred
once in a tang commercial.
And finally Toast.
Likes guns.
Well, we've all made it.
That's a good start.
Let's take some time to think
about what you did.
I think we've worked
this one off, boss.
Consider this a pre-emptive
punishment.
I'm going to punish you
ahead of time.
After the fact has no effect.
So from now on, I'm going to
punish you every day.
Something awful.
Every day.
For something else
you're planning.
You are planning something, right?
Until you behave
like you should behave.
This is how kids behave.
Not my kids.
We're not your kids.
When you're here...
Yohann Sebastian Finkle.
You're my kids.
The Santa Claus of punishment.
Okay?
Yes sir.
We need re-con tonight.
Staying in tonight.
That sounds right.
You guys don't want to go out?
We should wait.
The mission can't wait.
In 8 years we'll be done here.
Do you want to be legends then?
Or do you want to be
a legend now?
I want to play now, Reckless.
We're at camp, but I can't tell.
Turtles!
Let's fight!
They do not paint over
the name of a legend!
This moment's historic.
We gotta do something,
to remember it.
One day we'll be eighty...
with cancer.
And you know what causes cancer?
Regret!
It eats you up
and makes you small.
Right on, man.
At least lunch
and dinner won't be so bad.
Bad?! It's not even
9 o'clock and I'm angry.
I'm out!
I'm out.
I'm reformed!
I feel reformed.
The system works.
I feel like a good kid,
you know?
Yeah?
What's that like?
Sour.
Give me one day of childhood.
They're cleaner
in the dirt than on your body!
Senior kids got better staff
and a grassy patch of Eden.
While we kind of fell through
the cracks.
Our cabin was a halfway house of
sick kids and college criminals.
And we never had a counselor
stay more than a week.
Oddly enough, over the years we
lost more staff than campers.
You see, campers paid the bills,
so it was rare
they'd send one home.
It's an interesting world when
kids support the grown-ups.
Staff got sent home
for one of three reasons:
Substance Abuse.
Child Abuse.
Or finally...
For getting caught...
with the Director's daughters.
Each summer those girls
tore through the ranks.
And they were as pretty
as they were slutty.
The new-day new-Dad
thing got better,
but left us with hours to kill.
I say it again.
You get in the bag
and whatever moves, we kick.
There's an order.
It's New Kid, Reckless, Rabbi,
Fetus, and Toast.
Okay?
You'll go first.
I'll go next.
It'll be fine.
Now get in the bag.
There was an order
for everything. Always.
And where you ranked usually
meant how much fun
you could have in a summer.
Next?
And even though
we played this every day.
That wiped me out.
You guys, Frisbee or something?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
New Kid?
Frisbee?
We never seemed
to get passed New Kid.
You've got to lahhbbit ahhbbit.
Cous-cous was a cartoon.
We rarely understood
what he said.
For awhile,
we thought he was Leprechaun.
Boys.
If you can "tuffit the muffit",
she'll do anything you ask.
Who?
Girls!
What can they do?
Wonderful things.
Like sweep my table?
Make my bed?
Senior kids.
Every night we'd get locked up,
and they'd get released.
The party always seemed
to start at fifteen.
Fifteen.
We couldn't wait to be older.
And someday soon we'd be
on the other side,
but had a couple more years
until parole.
The bridge.
It was gorgeous.
Uncharted and merciless.
A fortress on the water.
Crossing the bridge at night
was the Grail of legends told.
Just a handful of Seniors' soil
could make you king on Earth.
It was amazing.
I have no idea
why this was so important.
W-why are we doing this?
One way ticket to status babe.
One way ticket home Pie-hole.
I'm out.
I'm cold.
Warm-up.
How?
Piss yourself.
C'mon, we're in the field,
soldier.
Guys, this is bad
for my arthritis.
Shhh.
Something's happening.
Your swordplay's
impressive Sir Careless.
Toosh.
Whoa. Careless!
Put the pagan fire out now.
Now!
What did you do!
Help me with this stuff.
Help me!
Grab the papers please!
In the morning lights
Feels so good
By me
It could be so right
You and me tonight
God, I hope you're slutty.
Make me do anything you want
Hey, uh.
Is that your sister
with Careless?
Yeah.
They work together.
Mazel Tov.
Make me do anything you want
Sir Careless.
Your mischief has no place here.
Yield, and I shall
spare this filthy harlot.
A little close.
Abe, would you care
to join us on the bridge?
What?
What do you want?
Hooray, "it's a boy".
How can you tell?
Will you make my death swift?
No.
But it'll be wet.
That guy was crazy.
A real camp legend.
Every year, something nuts.
Usually...
no pants.
And something once
I think with a bucket.
Remember this day swine!
Into the drink.
That my friends...
is a legend.
Can we go now?
Engage.
Toast.
What did you do?
I'm warm now.
Awful.
Oh god, man.
Aw!
Back off.
Reckless, lets' fly.
Shit!
50 kids had tried.
And 50 kids had failed.
Impressive.
This is gonna suck.
But nobody I think
just ran for it.
And for one brief moment...
Success!
Sort of.
Woo!
Ah, how's that water?
That was an expensive stunt,
Careless,
and it's gonna cost you.
I saw this once
in a horror film.
Kids fall asleep and get
terrorized by monsters.
I'd prefer monsters.
But Mother Nature protected
her favorites.
Evolving some beyond torture.
Take Mud for example.
Albert Mud, was a bed-pisser.
A dirty defensive bed-pisser.
The Venus flytrap of preteen.
But he'd rarely pee his own bed.
You see, Mud was also
sleepwalker.
A defensive, sleepwalking
bed-pisser.
A troubling combination.
But how if so,
can you blame him?
The best defense
was always a good offense.
Mitch's parents
were germaphobes.
He was sent to camp
with only white clothing.
This way, you could see
the germs.
Where's Reckless?
He's a prisoner of war.
Too bad.
Oh...
Oh, Sleeping Beauty?
Hi-ho, what's for dinner?
Asshole.
Relax man.
There's nothing left to clean.
Plus, I'm a legend now.
Oh yeah, they'll make
gold statues of your finger.
Oh yeah?
Well here's one.
And here's your Walkman back.
Auto-reverse is boss.
Hey what's on the mic?
Sorry.
So you're girlfriend
comes tomorrow, huh?
We're pen pals, yeah.
Make babies?
Oh, relax homo,
I was just making sure.
This is a boys summer.
Remember that.
We got shit to do.
You're gonna spend the rest of
your life apologizing to girls.
For stuff you never did!
Ah, young Fetus.
So young.
This is it for us,
the last of "The Boys."
Once the pubes kick in,
it's over.
Okay?
Now promise.
You have a sickness.
Oh no, no.
I have a plan.
A-Team baby, A-Team.
A-Team... baby?
A-Team.
Tits and Ass baby, all right!
You're uh...
you're not a fairy are you?
You're covered in glitter, man.
You got wings?
It's okay,
I have an uncle who's gay.
He likes to kiss guys.
Do you like kissing guys?
'Cause I love it.
Come here, Sparkles,
give me a kiss.
Yo, get off.
I'm tired.
- Be a man.
- I'm tired.
- Pucker!
- Not tonight!
Why aren't you puckering?
Get off. Not tonight!
Come on Sparkles, pucker up.
Not tonight!
We've got a walker!
Shit.
Turn him.
Turn him, turn him.
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Guys, guys, guys.
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Careful.
Careful.
The bucket.
Okay, all right.
Careful.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
There's toothpaste in my ear
and you peed on me!
Why did you pee on me?!
Sit down. Calm.
He's got Piss trauma.
Piss trauma man,
I heard of this!
It's okay.
It's just piss.
Thank God nothing bad happened.
The busses are here!
The busses are here!
I just died
in your arms tonight
It must have been
something you said
I just died
in your arms tonight
For the rest of my life,
that's how she'll be.
I see you.
I could see angels.
I can see you, too.
Hey, what's up Sparkles?
Reckless?
You're not here.
Hold on.
It's okay?
It's easier without you.
What are you doing?
It was slipping.
Thanks.
Here.
Now we can see each other.
Hello counselor!
Ha-ha!
I got a surprise for you.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on Champ, up you go.
- Hologram!
- Misfit!
You missed everything!
Charlie's Angels!
Me and my mom went on this like
shopping spree and I bought
all bunch of shirts
and a lip gloss,
and then we finally went on this
car ride to get to camp,
it was like so hot my hair got all
frizzy by the time we got to camp.
And this fat guy he took all the
hot water when I got to camp,
'cause I needed to take a shower
and it was like, so cold.
And I'm like,
it looks better that way anyway.
What happened to your bracelets?
Oh, I cut them off.
They got too tight.
I made you a new one.
Oh.
I sprayed it with bug spray
to keep the bugs away.
Why are you still here then?
You know what,
don't fall asleep, Carmen.
Me? Sleeping Beauty?
You, Sleeping Ugly.
Thank you, Fetus.
What happened?
I grew.
Better believe it.
Boobs baby!
Coming soon
to a theater new you.
Oh my God. I saved you a bed!
Come on.
Boobs.
Hey guys, guys, guys!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Whoa.
And we had a new counselor.
Hey
Hey.
I can see stuff.
Yep.
The child brain
usually filters that out.
You get used to it.
The dock for some water sports?
Eh, most of it.
You're not broken.
Hi Careless, hi.
Remember me?
Itchy Ritchie?
"My balls are itchy"
Itchy Ritchie.
This is awesome.
I was in your
section, now, you're in mine.
It's like irony,
I just learnt that in school.
Remember the 'crazy bucket' thing
you did that one time, man?
That sure was awesome.
If there's anything you want to
do, like ideas and stuff.
Just... you're the man so,
just let me know.
Okay?
Let me know
and we'll get it done, okay?
This is gonna be great.
This is great.
I love you, Careless.
Just joking, ha!
Oh, and Careless.
If you could get those letters
done from your boys
by lunch that would be great.
Back in time
we used to lose our minds
To the sound of the radio
Things weren't
heavy life was easy
Didn't seem to
worry where to go
Yeah!
Lost again!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, Sparkles!
Wake up.
Hi Careless.
I need those letters.
You guys bring those letters?
They're empty.
Oh, mine's not!
Hey, that's illegal!
Umm...
we need those letters.
Bow-bow.
So... how's prison?
Kill me.
Nurse.
This man needs a handjob.
Stat.
What's a handjob?
Handjob's like...
medicine for grownups.
Does it work for asthma?
It's the cure for asthma!
I need a handjob.
Handjobs for everybody!
Handjob! Handjob!
Handjob! Handjob!
Please stop.
Please stop.
Give us your garlic bread.
It's not for me ass-face.
What the fuck man?
Now we have no bread!
You wanted bread?
Idiot!
What's for desert?
Oh!
I'm on fire!
Oh my God!
Toast get the pills.
Shane, The Raincoat Kid.
Was the rarest of angels.
Allergic to everything God
had created.
Well, they're all blue!
Hey, Needles,
what's up?
Eh, I get itchy.
Yeah, from what?
Uh... bee stings, grass
and pine cones.
Peanuts, powder, and pasta.
Sunlight, air and colour.
And certain flavors of juice.
Little girls and gravity.
Shane was a walking pharmacy.
But the boy loved to run.
Go Shane, go!
He's out!
Oh wait...
he's safe.
Way to go Batman!
Good job, Shane!
Shane loved camp.
Loved nature too.
Too bad Nature
didn't feel the same way.
How's recess?
Gave my balls sideburns.
Nice.
Luke Perry?
Presley.
Classy.
Flyball!
I got it!
Gave my bag a mullet.
Party.
Yeah! Only in the front.
And then of course,
there was Flyball.
5 for 5.
Princeton Honors Graduate.
Harvard MBA.
Trauma Magnet.
6 for 6.
Shake it off, kid.
You actually expect him
to catch the ball?
You know the Ass
is trying get you fired, right?
Why does he hate you so much?
I create happiness.
That's the bad pitching.
Am I right?
Sundae!
Hello?
Anybody here?
Hello?
Hey there champ.
What can I get you?
Ice?
Sure thing, stud.
What's for lunch?
Oh, it's pizza day.
You wanna watch?
Trees, swaying in the
summer breeze,
Showing off
their silver leaves
As we walk by.
Soft kisses
on a summer's day,
Laughing all our cares away,
Just you and I.
Sweet, sleepy warmth
of summer nights,
Gazing at the distant lights
In the starry sky.
Here's your ice hot stuff.
Go.
Councillors on the docks.
Now.
Ok. Well, yes we're fine...
The councillors are going
to change the time.
Genetic boots and you jump over
the high tower.
I can't get around.
Mr. Popular.
Heads up.
Art Lady sends her best.
Yeah!
Makin' babies tonight!
I didn't make this.
Although I will
take the art lady.
You're not the Fetus?
It's not mine.
What's up, Raincoats?
I can't go on the canoe trip.
I'm allergic.
Yeah?
You're healed.
Woo!
I'm normal!
Violation of privacy!
Hey, Teen Wolf,
you went eight-point-oh.
Talk me down.
It wasn't mine.
Yeah?
You wrecked someone else's?
Just send me home.
Yeah, for what?
Littering?
Just leave it.
I broke my own heart.
Kid, you're taking
the fun out of High School.
Is it girls?
I can help.
Is it guys?
I mean like, the guys, or...
or guys?
That's cool.
Is it guys?
It was mine.
But you can't tell.
Doctor/Patient privilege.
Okay, we know
what your dad does.
I just told you
that so you can't punish me.
Heartbreak, man,
you're punished yourself.
Great.
Great.
Child.
New Kid.
New Kid.
Having a good summer?
Yeah.
I always have a good summer.
You've been here before?
Yeah.
But you're the New Kid?
Yeah.
Mmm.
Morning campers.
Hide it, hide it.
Guess what today is?
It's send-a-camper-home day.
Yeah.
Last night...
someone got out of this cabin
and thought it would be very
funny to poop in a canoe.
You think that's funny, huh?
Zip it, boys.
Button it!
Now...
it's disgusting.
We don't do that at this camp,
we don't do that here.
And.
I'm very unhappy.
You blame us for everything!
You're guilty of everything.
Uh, guilty means proof,
and you never have any.
Really?
Shyza.
Busted.
Okay, Hirshfeld, let's go.
Come on.
You don't know
which one's Hirshfeld?
Flyball. You're a Hirshfeld.
Come on, let's go.
Just testing.
Casper?
Let's go.
You're a Hirschfeld.
Let's go.
Who pooped in the canoe?
Toast?
No, not you.
I know your father.
You don't know their names?
Yes Careless,
I know their names.
There's "Plays with guns".
"Farts in bed"
and "Has a big problem with...
meat".
I don't know, they change
every day, the names.
I meant their real names.
Fine no, I don't know
their real names.
What are their real names?
I don't know their fake names.
That's great.
That's really funny.
Doogie Howser, hold up.
You know Hirshfeld?
Uh...
Flyball?
You sure?
There's name tags
on their clothes.
Name tags on their clothes.
All right, let me see your
clothes...
Abe come in! We have a 4-4-2
at the Monkey Bin.
Bas, I'm with the laundry.
Laundry.
On your beds!
What's your name?
Mud.
Shh!
What's his name?
- I think it's Mud, Sir.
- It is not Mud, Sir.
Bas?
Do you know Hirshfeld?
I know the father.
Which one's Hirshfeld.
Well...
The father looks like that one.
Bas...
Should uh, boys so naked
be this close together?
Nurse.
Doctor.
- Take off your shirt.
- No.
- Do it!
- No!
Do it for science?
Uh, Careless?
Wrong section, yeah?
Stay in your section.
Oh.
Kill me.
Good question.
Baby.
Oh, hi stud.
How you doing?
I'm leaving you with child.
How are you?
Next.
Hey.
I am a Greek Lord!
Next!
Hey!
That's. The "No" zone.
Next!
My mom made that.
So.
What are the rules Careless?
Fire in the hole!
No rules.
We mean,
how do you want to run this?
I do not.
So you're saying,
that I could take this ball,
and throw it at Mitch,
and you wouldn't stop me?
- Nope.
- Yes!
Ha-ha!
Die!
Stop!
What are you doing?
You're going out?
But...
don't you have to stay here?
Until you're fake asleep?
What about your job?
People keep saying that.
Yes.
Okay over there?
Okay.
Great.
Toast, you're on kitchen.
Why?
You knocked a kid
from the rafters.
You didn't stop me?
In life.
You are going to be alone.
A lot.
And a bad idea.
Eh...
always gonna be a bad idea.
My father is the Chairman,
you know.
Be good.
Lick bag.
Excuse me?
You heard me say it.
Lick bag.
You know, those big neon signs
that say "Lick bag"
subtitled in French,
Lick Le Baggage!
I like it.
- Still on kitchen.
- Get your shit off the bed!
Get it off!
It's not your bed!
Get it off, you ass wipe!
Get it off!
You idiot!
You black-haired ass wipe!
Get it off!
I will kill you!
I will take a knife,
rip your stomach open,
and feed your heart to yourself!
I will take your intestines out,
strangle you,
and then whip you with it!
Then hang you!
Get them off!
Faster!
Faster! Faster!
Steve was an angry kid.
But only because his best friend
wasn't there.
That was Willy's bed.
That is Willy's bed, you idiot.
But Willy wasn't coming
to camp this summer.
His father passed away
before camp,
and there was no way
Willy could come.
No one called him.
No one wrote.
No one visited.
What did we know?
We were kids.
Even though he couldn't
come to camp,
I'm sure he'd like to have known
that we saved his bed.
So if you're out there Willy,
and you're watching,
even though you couldn't
come to camp that summer,
we saved you a bed.
I thought you'd like to know.
- Hello.
- Hey babe.
All right.
Sometimes in life you may think
you deserve something,
but you don't.
I'm losing my job.
Ah well, the job, the woman,
you're lousy at both.
Thank you.
You know, for somebody
as cocky as you are,
I'd think about that.
Those kids, they...
they think you're a legend,
a God, so...
Be one.
Christ.
That's funny.
Come on, Abe.
This is unacceptable.
It's not funny.
That is... that is... that is in
poor taste, is what that is.
That's... Oh, great.
Hey, this.
No not funny.
Sick, yes.
Bad taste, yes.
Not funny.
And you know what?
There's no place for that
at this camp.
So, you want to play,
you want to do me,
you want to do the whole thing?
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
I can keep up with you.
Okay?
Don't do that kind of stuff,
because it's not
good for the kids.
It's... no place at the camp
for the kids, and...
and you're a bad influence
on the kids here.
So just uh...
What are you doing?
This is not yours.
This is illegal, what you're doing.
Abe, is it me?
You know, 'cause here's the
problem,
I'm trying to do this
all by myself,
seems like it's
all on my shoulders!
It's sick!
It's sick!
The whole thing.
You smell like poop.
I get headaches.
From the parents, the kids.
My slutty daughters,
who God forbid
they should make a baby here,
the kid could have 10 fathers!
If the uh, kid comes out
her ass, it's mine.
Careless.
No more headaches.
You need a Handjob.
Get that fixed.
Reckless, Piss off!
Fartbag, I'm busy.
Hi.
Hey.
Listen to the cool noise
I can make with my lips.
Who're you writing?
Uh, a letter to my Mom.
Cool, let's hear it.
Okay, um...
"Dear Mom.
I'm having a great time here.
It's really hot,
and I went canoeing.
This year, they let me fish and I caught
the biggest bass you've ever seen.
And uh, all my friends are here,
except Willy.
And uh, Sundae's here, too.
She's pretty like you.
Love, Fetus."
You really like your mom.
I like your mom, too.
I need something.
Fetus, Fetus,
Sundae-Sundae Fetus!
Everybody out!
Back to your cabins!
Oh, Fetus, you should have seen
your expression.
Lights off!
First Base...
Shut up!
First Base...
First Base...
Woo.
Yes!
You suck ass!
Relax.
We're gonna be legends, right?
How? Huh?
Come on.
You want the girl instead?
Okay sure,
I'll get you the girl.
Clickety-click Barba-trick.
I was furious. But desperate.
And about to put my dreams
into the hands of a boy
we nicknamed "Reckless."
And even as I did it.
I wished that I knew better.
All right, where'd we leave off?
We haven't started yet.
Ah yes.
The Fetus.
You know, only if you want to.
That's not right.
You're up, Carmen.
No way, pig.
Okay, whatever.
You know, your loss.
Fine, whatever.
Yeah right.
Wow.
That was just plain horrifying.
I need to blow my nose.
That was sick.
Sundae, you're up.
Let's do this!
I can make you a Legend.
Set it up, get the girl.
Clickety-click.
I'm all over it.
And suddenly I was back.
Ready to tear Red's head off.
But the rage was gone.
Heartbreak, what's up?
It happened.
He screwed up again.
In my mind.
I saw it all in a blink.
What?
In a fit of rage, I'd evolved.
Heartbreak, what's up?
I just...
I just developed foresight.
I can think things through.
What's that like?
It hurts.
You're my friend.
But your thoughtless.
Like Toast.
No.
Not like Toast.
You're just mean, I think.
You know what?
I don't need you for this.
Well...
we don't need you for this!
Don't even come near me!
In my mind it happened.
That always stuck with me.
Considering what
I said to Reckless,
I thought it best
we spend time apart.
It's too bad that didn't happen.
You're crowding the base.
Oh, you want space Heartbreak?
Okay, you got it.
Honeymoon's over?
Shit.
Good swing, good swing.
How's it going boys?
Okay.
Game on.
Come on guys!
I gotta make past first to score!
Come on!
Oh, taking it past
first base are we now?
Pig.
Just cause I get it
don't make me a pig.
Girls you get are like buffets.
Anyone can eat.
Oh, at least I'm getting served.
Second hand cars are cheaper.
Okay, sure thing, first Base.
Toast.
Finish this.
Go ahead.
It's all yours.
Come on, Toast, same thing!
Later pig.
Get on the ground, Trauma!
Get the ball, fartbag!
Get the ball!
Take 2nd!
Take 2nd!
Out at 2nd!
You're out.
And I was out.
Yo, New Kid.
It's Noah.
Noah.
No one's is
getting in that bag but you.
Then why?
I get to play.
I have stress.
Yeah...
I come to camp to lose stress,
but now there's new stress.
So when I leave camp,
I'll have to go to camp.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
All right.
I like a girl, But...
It's like I'm not allowed to.
I mean...
no one's perfect,
but she's perfect for me.
I need a good pitch.
I mean, if Toast is strong,
and Reckless is funny
and Grandpa's smart,
then I'm thoughtful.
But...
that doesn't pow,
like a home run.
I need punch to get the girl.
I just don't know how she feels.
How do you feel?
I don't know.
I just, uh...
I like her a lot.
Does she make you stupid?
No.
You're in for a treat.
Heartbreak,
there's two kinds of women.
Ones that make us nervous.
And ones that make us better.
The ones that make you stupid,
make you nervous, make you puke.
The ones that make you better,
they'll make you strong.
You know, wise and funny.
Find the right girl,
she'll make you a king.
Then you won't be thinking
others can do,
'cause you'll be He-Man.
Interesting.
Then how do I get her?
You've got her.
Explain.
Well...
wanting's most of the work.
I mean, want it enough
and your body'll figure it out.
It's like,
you want to move your feet?
You think it.
Want the girl?
Just...
think it.
Your body will
handle the details.
That's...
that's nature.
That's what happens.
Oh, I see.
You think too much.
Kids don't think.
Kids do.
I think.
I don't.
Kid, you got my brain.
What would your brain do next?
What if I told her
how pretty she was?
Boo!
Why?
Eh, girls don't think
they're pretty.
Girls think other girls
are pretty, so.
A, she won't believe you.
And B, now you're a liar.
I'm a liar?
Oh yeah.
Worst kind.
What kind is that?
The innocent.
All right, repeat after me.
"She's Not Pretty"
She's not pretty.
Like this, like this.
She no pretty.
No pretty.
No pretty!
No pretty.
No pretty!
She no pretty.
Not Pretty!
What's left?
Um, I wrote her a letter.
Lazy.
What if I read it?
Creepy!
Just give her the big speech.
Girls love the big speech.
You know, what's the kiss worth?
What would you trade for it?
I like what I've got.
You're losing somethin' kid.
That's the deal.
Put them all under the bed.
Put them under Careless' bed.
No one's going to look there.
Is he trustworthy enough though?
I don't know man.
I don't know the guy that well.
Hey Boys.
Hey Careless.
Where you been?
Been out.
Yeah?
What you got there?
We stole all the Brooms.
All the brooms from where?
From everywhere.
Where's everywhere?
Everywhere there was a broom?
You got all the brooms?
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
You're fired.
They ran out of brooms.
You're fired too.
Back off you slut!
You... you jackass!
Strike!
What the hell was that?
Are you trying to kill... no.
No, no, that was a ball.
That was a ball.
Strike three.
That was a ball.
That was definitely a ball.
You're out.
Fetus, it was
right over the plate.
You left your bat.
Nice swingin' though.
Trouble getting to first base?
Hey.
I'm Careless.
I'm lousy at my job,
and lousy with girls.
Something you want to say?
Doesn't really know
I'm all out of love
I'm so lost without you
Shhh.
I'm doing something.
I'm all out of love
What am I without you
Last ups!
It can't be too late
To say that I was so wrong
He can't hit!
Say that again.
He can't hit.
This should be good.
Did you sleep
with my girlfriend?
Which one?
All right Fetus,
here comes the lollipop.
All right? Here it comes.
Are you watching?
Strike.
God!
Come on.
Strike two!
Oh, come on.
Let it hit you!
Ball one.
Yes!
Over the fence, Fetus.
Run, Fetus, run!
Woo-hoo!
Run!
Good job!
I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Figure out what you're gonna
say to the girl?
Yep.
All right.
You're about ten feet away from
cashing in that home run.
I'm gonna go back to my cabin.
Someday I'll be 80, with kids,
who have kids.
And I'll still play the moment
when Sundae took my hand.
Ah, Mud!
Your clothes smell like ass.
You're face smells like ass.
I will kick you
in the baby maker!
I lost my pube!
You thought you had a pube
until you pissed out of it.
Red Pubes!
Black Pubes!
Red Pubes!
Black pubes!
White Pubes.
What's up Casper?
My laundry didn't come back.
You got no clothes?
Hey!
Gremlins!
Has anyone seen Mitch's laundry?
Did anyone take it by accident?
Mitch.
Here.
Clean.
No germs.
For tomorrow, white boy.
I feel like a rainbow!
That could go either way.
Whoa!
Hot date?
Yeah.
But she's not pretty.
Ahh, charity work.
Think I should ask first?
Yeah.
First you earn it.
Then you ask for it.
Then you have to go,
and make it great.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, can I ask you a question?
And it's all right
if you say no.
Okay.
Would it be alright
if we kissed?
I... fold, I guess.
I don't know what to do.
Ah...
See, if it was me,
I'd go all in.
But that's me,
I'm an aggressive gambler.
Mr. Vegas.
She said yes!
All right!
Yeah.
Believe it man.
Believe it.
Start believing it man.
So how was it?
How was it?
Oh crap.
Halt!
That's a violation of curfew.
I left uh, clothes
on the clothesline...
Violation of curfew.
Back in the cabin.
I have unfinished business!
Your business is sleeping.
Lights out now.
There's a girl, um.
Oh, yeah, there's always a girl.
Back in the cabin!
Ah!
You all right?
I miss you.
Well, just come and see me.
I can't.
I'm not allowed to cross
the bridge at night.
Oh my God.
I'm dating a man with the brain
of a ten year old child.
Move over.
Move.
I uh...
I just, I'm trying to figure out
ways to come and see you.
You're a man.
Just cross the damn bridge.
Hmmm.
What are those?
Where's Careless?
Guys?
There's no staff.
Oh my God.
It's senior's day.
Go, go, go!
I have no underwear!
Hurry!
For one day of every summer,
the staff get up before us.
They get on a bus
and go into town.
Leaving the Seniors in charge.
What the hell are you doing?
Don't make me come out there.
Don't make...
What the?
I can see you!
That is something else.
It's a lot like
Lord of The Flies.
But with motorboats.
Get the speedboat
out of the lagoon!
Get out of the lagoon
with the motorboat!
Don't make me come out there!
Don't make me...!
Uh-oh.
Okay, who's up there?
Who's shooting?
Who's up there?
Who is that?
We got Girls, man.
Load up, load up, load up!
Turtles, attack!
Stand down, stand down!
Sorry.
Not cool, loser.
Shut your hole, Private.
Um, sorry, I kinda got stuck
in the cabin last night.
Uh.
See you tonight?
I will see you tonight!
Tell me you don't miss that.
I need to get out of here.
Not past that.
We'll help.
Yeah.
All right, Raincoats.
You're up.
Get back in the cabin, please.
Shane...
everything all right?
Listen, buddy, we can't have you
out so late, okay?
We can't watch you in the dark.
Oh crap.
Get 'em, get them all!
All right.
I'm gone.
Chance to tell me
what's actually going on!
I see you everywhere but here.
We work together!
Yeah for someone
who cares about me...
Ouch!
What are you trying to do,
bite me?
Oh yeah?
Why don't you
just tell me I'm wrong.
You're wrong.
Listen, I don't think
this is a such a good idea.
I better just go.
Not so great?
Oh yeah, he folded my towels,
so I screwed his brains out.
Well here's a bunch of towels,
why don't you screw these guys?
Go back to the cabin.
Why?
Why are you here?
You hate kids!
You hate camp!
What are you talking about?
You make me get this.
I got news for you, okay!
I'm not here for the kids!
I'm here for the parents!
You're out there
looking for genius,
I'm out there
looking for danger.
You know, we lose one kid,
that's it Eric.
That's it.
We're done.
You know how shallow
our lake is?
We sunk the old bridge in there.
You know,
I don't care what you do,
jumping off the hightower,
but I've two hundred campers
who can't
and now are gonna try.
For 60 years we've been
pressing our luck here.
And it's just math now,
be it beating, bee stings,
or drowning;
We're just math away.
Okay, and you can boo-hoo-hoo
your brains out,
but it's gonna be the directors
who take the fall.
I will take the blame for
shutting down this death circus.
You know, I'd much rather put a
kid in tears than into a coffin.
And how dare you.
You... you have no idea
what it's like to be a parent.
You have no idea
what it's like to be a man.
You're a boy.
You make boy choices.
Just grow up!
Eh, muchacho!
Your boys no come
down to the dock anymore.
Kill me now.
If you cannot respect a boat.
You cannot respect
a person in the boat.
What'd they do?
No more Laguna!
What did they do?
How do you sink a paddle boat?
Nothing it's made from sinks!
It's not even a boat.
3 paddle boats.
And a canoe.
Okay, stop talking!
Hey!
Stop breathing.
It was an accident.
You're an accident.
You're a baby.
Shut up!
Fang.
Please!
But you said that...
Something I said?
Something I said to sink a boat?
When?
Don't answer.
Do not blame me
for your failures.
There's 10 of you...
Um, there's 11 of us.
Oh my God, there's ten.
I don't need the guilt.
It takes everything I've got
just to get up every day
and deal with my own problems.
You're lousy kids.
Nothing about you is good.
This is your family.
You suck.
You suck so much.
Why you so mean to each other?
Why the hell you so mean?
Jesus Christ,
be nice to each other.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Childhood should be fun.
You all suck.
You suck times 10.
You suck times 11.
Eat that.
What?
Well done.
Baby doesn't hear so good.
Baby ears.
Bite me, loser.
You bite me, Baby teeth.
The one's you bit
your pen pal with.
Yeah, maybe that's why your kissy-kissy
girlfriend isn't bleeding yet.
Maybe that's 'cause
she's a baby too.
Okay, stop!
He's only nine!
The liar's only nine!
He shouldn't even be
in our cabin.
Great.
Fine, you wanted rules.
You got-'em.
Rule number one: Reckless,
you're a dick.
Fix it.
The rest of you...
Be good.
When?
Heartbreak!
Slow down, slow down, slow down!
Here.
Come here.
All right.
You bit the girl.
All right, that's the worst.
Ugh, come back, come here.
Let it go.
In a couple years,
they're into it, okay?
All right?
We're guys,
it's going to happen.
It's how we do things.
In life, you're gonna fail
and fail
and you're gonna fail until the only
hope you got left smells like piss.
That was the worst
pep talk ever.
Yeah well.
I was gonna do this thing with
the calcium and uh...
next time, stick around for
the... stick around next time.
Uh...
I'm gonna get this
when I'm older.
No!
Come here.
Don't take 10 years.
Take 10 minutes.
Just pick something you believe
in and make it happen.
Okay?
All it's ever
going to mean is this:
Giving up stuff you really want,
to just get the stuff you need.
What do you need?
Play nice.
Hey.
Okay, I'll go first.
I'm sorry.
I just...
We're good?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
How are you?
Oh, good.
Want some gum?
No.
What's this?
Did you make this for me?
It's got uh, bug spray.
To keep the bugs off.
It doesn't get easier
when you grow up.
You'll always be afraid
of something.
If it's not softball,
it's girls.
It's not girls, it's your job.
Actually...
somehow, it's always girls.
This is the best it gets.
Even if it sucks here.
This is the best
of things that suck.
And it only lasts the summer.
And a few summers at that.
You can't stay forever.
Life is coming.
And life's great.
But it'll kick you.
And if you don't take the kicks,
you don't get to play.
So, get used to making
hard choices.
And maybe when you're done here,
when you can't
come back anymore,
life won't be such
a punch in the stomach.
And then one night
he just walked off.
And you could tell
he wasn't coming back.
We knew he had something to fix.
And you knew that he could.
Boss, hold up.
You got to stay with the
inmates.
Big C. Stop!
It would probably
involve a bucket.
- Please?
- Lick Bag.
And a various times, no pants.
Either way, we were on our own.
The Ass makes
his nightly rounds.
He stops at the office.
But this is still during our
ability to run around.
He gets his coffee,
he stays in the office.
Once our curfew time is up,
he leaves the office,
stops here.
Makes sure nobody's coming from
the junior side to the senior side.
He gets in the high tower...
How about when he
turns around we sprint
and we make a run for it?
What are you waiting for?
Pubic Fairy?
Listen, man, you tried this
thing, it didn't fly.
Your country needs you back.
You've hit the bridge what,
ten times?
Where's your towel?
Realistic goals my friend.
Realistic goals.
Hey, Toast.
If we call your dad, we'll get
Careless back by tomorrow.
There will be no tomorrow.
For anyone, who opens
this door tonight.
Find a bunk.
Go.
Listen up.
You're under my leash, now.
Anyone leaving this cabin
tonight will be leaving again
in the morning.
And you won't be coming back.
Until your kids have kids.
Your section head will be seated
outside this door all night.
Think inside the box.
Go to bed.
Camper Mitch...
You desecrated my cabin.
Tomorrow,
you will mop the entire mess hall.
Be at the office by the time
I start the morning show.
Be late...
You'll mop at your wedding.
Go to bed.
Hey!
Listen up.
As long as I've had friends,
it's been you guys.
Before that,
I don't remember nothing.
No one is getting replaced,
okay?
But tonight,
I'm adding the girl.
You do, what you need to.
But if I do not do this,
I'm going to get old,
I'm gonna get cancer.
A Team?
B Team?
Fine.
It's suicide.
It's stupid.
And they call me reckless.
Look around!
Don't you get it?
We have empty beds here!
Look, look.
Where's Willy?!
Where's Willy this summer?
Out there, it's nothing.
Nothing.
In here, it's everything.
And sometimes
kids don't make it. Okay?
Look, I hope I'm here next year
and I hope Willy's here
next year.
Who knows?
Who knows anything?
But I'm here now.
And I know this.
That's what counts.
So, I'm going out.
I got my brain back.
Wait.
Shane!
We're not allowed out,
you can't.
I've been healed.
And if you were wondering,
yes, it's real.
Can I blow it?
Hold on.
Back in the cabin, please.
Oh yeah, thanks,
we've seen this one before.
Back in the cabin, please.
Oh, this is new.
Oh shit.
Everyone get him!
Go!
Sundae!
Bring her to the window!
Please!
Fetus?
I didn't mean
to leave you before.
And I didn't mean
I bite you after.
It's just.
You're not pretty.
- What?
- I mean you are, but...
pretty, it's a word
to describe things easy.
But there's nothing easy about
how much I like you.
I mean, forget...
forget I can't sleep.
I can't be awake!
I bump into things.
I-I can't eat,
I can't dream.
But I don't need to.
All I need to think about
is you.
You're how I measure happiness.
Units of you.
I-I blew it.
I blew it.
Ruined,
ruined us.
It happens, I'm a guy.
But it's just that I thought,
it's not the kiss
that's special.
It's just you.
So, when you took my hand
on the bridge.
That'll be my moment.
My moment of us.
That we can talk about,
when we're old.
When you took my hand.
I'm nine.
I'm only nine.
You make me feel 10.
I'm gonna kiss you.
No you're not.
No.
You're not.
You had your moment.
What about my moment?
This can be my moment.
I'm kissing you.
Sundae Sundae Fetus.
Tap that.
Way to go, Heartbreak!
What are you doing here?
A Team, baby.
A Team.
What about Mitch?
Mitch, Mitch has got issues.
Yeah...
Papa's got to work.
Not this again.
Immortality...
It's in the air, boys.
Hey Fetus,
still got your brain on?
Could have used
some foresight here.
Smooth move, EX-LAX.
Happy Hanukkah.
What's in the bag?
Oh, no way.
- Oh, yeah way.
- This was you?
I took shit for this!
Oh, you suck front and back.
What's in the bag?
What is it man?
Genius.
You stole Mitch's clothes?
We traded.
Brilliant!
And then one summer
we made it across.
It didn't matter how,
but how we were able.
Yes!
Confidence.
A girl took my hand
and then she kissed me.
And with every bridge
I cross in life,
I remember
where my confidence started.
And even though
we made it across,
no one had planned how to get
back, or what to do next.
All we'd ever thought about
was getting across.
So we winged some
shit and it was great.
When you get across
your own bridge,
I suggest you doing the same.
Some of these guys
I never saw again.
Some of these guys,
I can't get rid of still.
They were the best friends
I ever had.
And I don't even know
their names.
I'd have kept in touch.
But information won't give out
an address for Douchebag,
"City or town please?"
"Boston."
"Name?"
"Uh, Douchebag?"
So remember the journey,
and share all your prizes.
It's the right thing to do.
And even though it always looks
that way, no one wins alone.
That being said.
I hope your dreams are as vivid,
your lives as rich,
and your love as wonderful,
as it was when I was ten.
Somebody say hey!
We want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Let me hear you say hey
we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Somebody say hey!
We want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Everybody say hey
we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
You see, me and my homies
like to play this game
We call it Amtrak
but some call it the train
We all would line up
in a single-file line
And take our turns
at waxing girls' behinds
I say, girls, don't hide it,
just divide it
And please don't knock it
until you've tried it
So to all of you bitches
and all you hoes
Let's have group sex
and do the Rambo!
Everybody say
hey we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Everybody say hey
we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
I'm the Peter Piper
of the 1980's
Got a long hard dick
for all of the ladies
I don't care
if you got three babies
You can work the stick
in my Mercedes
If you wanna blow,
just let me know
We can go backstage
at the end of the show
I'll look at you,
and you will look at me
They got me.
You know what to do,
'cause I won't say please
Just nibble on my dick
like a rat does cheese!
Everybody say
hey we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Everybody say
hey we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Somebody say
hey we want some pussy!
I'm not eating the burgers now.
Is that stuff soup?
Hi Careless.
Hi.
Remember me, Itchie Ritchie?
Whoever said you can't get crabs
from a toilet seat was wrong, huh?
Sorry.
New ball.
New ball right away.
That's pollution.
I'm too hungry
to do this anymore.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Does camp feel prison?
I know this feels like prison.
Yo, quit it!
Mr. President.
Ladies.
We're being abused.
Seriously though,
where's your proof?
Oh, this one's pretty good.
That one's all improv.
Wow.
Oh, um, there's a flipbook
in there.
Creative!
I got that off the Discovery
Channel.
Yeah, ha.
Ha!
Cut!
All right, I'm not going to get
tired of that.
Where am I going?
Right... there.
Stay.
Reset.
I got him.
You're throwing me.
I'm not.
You can keep your mouth closed.
Or don't.
Who's next?
Put that fire out!
He tried to kiss me again.
Get the papers.
He hit me right in the dick.
What was that about?
Gimme!
There's something
you don't know.
Yeah, what's that?
How to write a screenplay.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
You're not in the second film.
Touch.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
What foreskin is like.
There's something
you don't know.
Again, again.
There's something
you don't know.
Oh, what's that.
The joy of Christmas.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
The love of a nuclear family.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
How to read.
Oh!
There's something
else you don't know.
What's that?
What your sister kisses like.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
The gentle touch of a man.
Sorry.
on the hillside
Little boxes made
of ticky tacky
Little boxes, little boxes,
little boxes all the same
There's a green one,
and a pink one
And a blue one
and a yellow one
And they're all made
out of ticky tacky
And they all look
just the same
Camp. It was a time of magic.
A soulful summer
of acoustic rock.
No parents.
No school. No parole.
And there's doctors
and there's lawyers
And business executives
And they're all made
out of ticky tacky
And they all look
just the same
Looking back over my life.
I'd always remembered this summer,
was the best summer I ever had.
Broom!
Although I don't remember
having any fun.
I'm a ninja.
It's interesting how that works.
At the age of 10,
nothing is hindsight.
The limit of what you know, is
tested by every new experience.
You have no past
to compare with the present,
to prepare you for the future.
And if confidence is the
sum of trial and training.
What you're left with, is terror,
panic and insecurity.
And that is why nature makes
children stupid.
This way they can do anything.
Be anything.
Say anything.
If they had any sense at all,
they'd be miserable, like I was.
And that my friends
is the curse,
of premature thoughtfulness.
No, we cleaned
the rec for that one.
The goat pubes?
No, that was the day of mopping.
I remember feeling taller.
What about the
toothpaste in the ears,
what did we get for that?
I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure I was taller.
These were my
best friends in the world.
I hate all of you.
And I hated them all.
First was Grandpa, mildly aware
of his previous lives.
Born only with a memory
of pessimism.
Next was Reckless:
The redheaded socialite,
whose freckled face starred
once in a tang commercial.
And finally Toast.
Likes guns.
Well, we've all made it.
That's a good start.
Let's take some time to think
about what you did.
I think we've worked
this one off, boss.
Consider this a pre-emptive
punishment.
I'm going to punish you
ahead of time.
After the fact has no effect.
So from now on, I'm going to
punish you every day.
Something awful.
Every day.
For something else
you're planning.
You are planning something, right?
Until you behave
like you should behave.
This is how kids behave.
Not my kids.
We're not your kids.
When you're here...
Yohann Sebastian Finkle.
You're my kids.
The Santa Claus of punishment.
Okay?
Yes sir.
We need re-con tonight.
Staying in tonight.
That sounds right.
You guys don't want to go out?
We should wait.
The mission can't wait.
In 8 years we'll be done here.
Do you want to be legends then?
Or do you want to be
a legend now?
I want to play now, Reckless.
We're at camp, but I can't tell.
Turtles!
Let's fight!
They do not paint over
the name of a legend!
This moment's historic.
We gotta do something,
to remember it.
One day we'll be eighty...
with cancer.
And you know what causes cancer?
Regret!
It eats you up
and makes you small.
Right on, man.
At least lunch
and dinner won't be so bad.
Bad?! It's not even
9 o'clock and I'm angry.
I'm out!
I'm out.
I'm reformed!
I feel reformed.
The system works.
I feel like a good kid,
you know?
Yeah?
What's that like?
Sour.
Give me one day of childhood.
They're cleaner
in the dirt than on your body!
Senior kids got better staff
and a grassy patch of Eden.
While we kind of fell through
the cracks.
Our cabin was a halfway house of
sick kids and college criminals.
And we never had a counselor
stay more than a week.
Oddly enough, over the years we
lost more staff than campers.
You see, campers paid the bills,
so it was rare
they'd send one home.
It's an interesting world when
kids support the grown-ups.
Staff got sent home
for one of three reasons:
Substance Abuse.
Child Abuse.
Or finally...
For getting caught...
with the Director's daughters.
Each summer those girls
tore through the ranks.
And they were as pretty
as they were slutty.
The new-day new-Dad
thing got better,
but left us with hours to kill.
I say it again.
You get in the bag
and whatever moves, we kick.
There's an order.
It's New Kid, Reckless, Rabbi,
Fetus, and Toast.
Okay?
You'll go first.
I'll go next.
It'll be fine.
Now get in the bag.
There was an order
for everything. Always.
And where you ranked usually
meant how much fun
you could have in a summer.
Next?
And even though
we played this every day.
That wiped me out.
You guys, Frisbee or something?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
New Kid?
Frisbee?
We never seemed
to get passed New Kid.
You've got to lahhbbit ahhbbit.
Cous-cous was a cartoon.
We rarely understood
what he said.
For awhile,
we thought he was Leprechaun.
Boys.
If you can "tuffit the muffit",
she'll do anything you ask.
Who?
Girls!
What can they do?
Wonderful things.
Like sweep my table?
Make my bed?
Senior kids.
Every night we'd get locked up,
and they'd get released.
The party always seemed
to start at fifteen.
Fifteen.
We couldn't wait to be older.
And someday soon we'd be
on the other side,
but had a couple more years
until parole.
The bridge.
It was gorgeous.
Uncharted and merciless.
A fortress on the water.
Crossing the bridge at night
was the Grail of legends told.
Just a handful of Seniors' soil
could make you king on Earth.
It was amazing.
I have no idea
why this was so important.
W-why are we doing this?
One way ticket to status babe.
One way ticket home Pie-hole.
I'm out.
I'm cold.
Warm-up.
How?
Piss yourself.
C'mon, we're in the field,
soldier.
Guys, this is bad
for my arthritis.
Shhh.
Something's happening.
Your swordplay's
impressive Sir Careless.
Toosh.
Whoa. Careless!
Put the pagan fire out now.
Now!
What did you do!
Help me with this stuff.
Help me!
Grab the papers please!
In the morning lights
Feels so good
By me
It could be so right
You and me tonight
God, I hope you're slutty.
Make me do anything you want
Hey, uh.
Is that your sister
with Careless?
Yeah.
They work together.
Mazel Tov.
Make me do anything you want
Sir Careless.
Your mischief has no place here.
Yield, and I shall
spare this filthy harlot.
A little close.
Abe, would you care
to join us on the bridge?
What?
What do you want?
Hooray, "it's a boy".
How can you tell?
Will you make my death swift?
No.
But it'll be wet.
That guy was crazy.
A real camp legend.
Every year, something nuts.
Usually...
no pants.
And something once
I think with a bucket.
Remember this day swine!
Into the drink.
That my friends...
is a legend.
Can we go now?
Engage.
Toast.
What did you do?
I'm warm now.
Awful.
Oh god, man.
Aw!
Back off.
Reckless, lets' fly.
Shit!
50 kids had tried.
And 50 kids had failed.
Impressive.
This is gonna suck.
But nobody I think
just ran for it.
And for one brief moment...
Success!
Sort of.
Woo!
Ah, how's that water?
That was an expensive stunt,
Careless,
and it's gonna cost you.
I saw this once
in a horror film.
Kids fall asleep and get
terrorized by monsters.
I'd prefer monsters.
But Mother Nature protected
her favorites.
Evolving some beyond torture.
Take Mud for example.
Albert Mud, was a bed-pisser.
A dirty defensive bed-pisser.
The Venus flytrap of preteen.
But he'd rarely pee his own bed.
You see, Mud was also
sleepwalker.
A defensive, sleepwalking
bed-pisser.
A troubling combination.
But how if so,
can you blame him?
The best defense
was always a good offense.
Mitch's parents
were germaphobes.
He was sent to camp
with only white clothing.
This way, you could see
the germs.
Where's Reckless?
He's a prisoner of war.
Too bad.
Oh...
Oh, Sleeping Beauty?
Hi-ho, what's for dinner?
Asshole.
Relax man.
There's nothing left to clean.
Plus, I'm a legend now.
Oh yeah, they'll make
gold statues of your finger.
Oh yeah?
Well here's one.
And here's your Walkman back.
Auto-reverse is boss.
Hey what's on the mic?
Sorry.
So you're girlfriend
comes tomorrow, huh?
We're pen pals, yeah.
Make babies?
Oh, relax homo,
I was just making sure.
This is a boys summer.
Remember that.
We got shit to do.
You're gonna spend the rest of
your life apologizing to girls.
For stuff you never did!
Ah, young Fetus.
So young.
This is it for us,
the last of "The Boys."
Once the pubes kick in,
it's over.
Okay?
Now promise.
You have a sickness.
Oh no, no.
I have a plan.
A-Team baby, A-Team.
A-Team... baby?
A-Team.
Tits and Ass baby, all right!
You're uh...
you're not a fairy are you?
You're covered in glitter, man.
You got wings?
It's okay,
I have an uncle who's gay.
He likes to kiss guys.
Do you like kissing guys?
'Cause I love it.
Come here, Sparkles,
give me a kiss.
Yo, get off.
I'm tired.
- Be a man.
- I'm tired.
- Pucker!
- Not tonight!
Why aren't you puckering?
Get off. Not tonight!
Come on Sparkles, pucker up.
Not tonight!
We've got a walker!
Shit.
Turn him.
Turn him, turn him.
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Guys, guys, guys.
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Get the bucket!
Careful.
Careful.
The bucket.
Okay, all right.
Careful.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
There's toothpaste in my ear
and you peed on me!
Why did you pee on me?!
Sit down. Calm.
He's got Piss trauma.
Piss trauma man,
I heard of this!
It's okay.
It's just piss.
Thank God nothing bad happened.
The busses are here!
The busses are here!
I just died
in your arms tonight
It must have been
something you said
I just died
in your arms tonight
For the rest of my life,
that's how she'll be.
I see you.
I could see angels.
I can see you, too.
Hey, what's up Sparkles?
Reckless?
You're not here.
Hold on.
It's okay?
It's easier without you.
What are you doing?
It was slipping.
Thanks.
Here.
Now we can see each other.
Hello counselor!
Ha-ha!
I got a surprise for you.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on Champ, up you go.
- Hologram!
- Misfit!
You missed everything!
Charlie's Angels!
Me and my mom went on this like
shopping spree and I bought
all bunch of shirts
and a lip gloss,
and then we finally went on this
car ride to get to camp,
it was like so hot my hair got all
frizzy by the time we got to camp.
And this fat guy he took all the
hot water when I got to camp,
'cause I needed to take a shower
and it was like, so cold.
And I'm like,
it looks better that way anyway.
What happened to your bracelets?
Oh, I cut them off.
They got too tight.
I made you a new one.
Oh.
I sprayed it with bug spray
to keep the bugs away.
Why are you still here then?
You know what,
don't fall asleep, Carmen.
Me? Sleeping Beauty?
You, Sleeping Ugly.
Thank you, Fetus.
What happened?
I grew.
Better believe it.
Boobs baby!
Coming soon
to a theater new you.
Oh my God. I saved you a bed!
Come on.
Boobs.
Hey guys, guys, guys!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Whoa.
And we had a new counselor.
Hey
Hey.
I can see stuff.
Yep.
The child brain
usually filters that out.
You get used to it.
The dock for some water sports?
Eh, most of it.
You're not broken.
Hi Careless, hi.
Remember me?
Itchy Ritchie?
"My balls are itchy"
Itchy Ritchie.
This is awesome.
I was in your
section, now, you're in mine.
It's like irony,
I just learnt that in school.
Remember the 'crazy bucket' thing
you did that one time, man?
That sure was awesome.
If there's anything you want to
do, like ideas and stuff.
Just... you're the man so,
just let me know.
Okay?
Let me know
and we'll get it done, okay?
This is gonna be great.
This is great.
I love you, Careless.
Just joking, ha!
Oh, and Careless.
If you could get those letters
done from your boys
by lunch that would be great.
Back in time
we used to lose our minds
To the sound of the radio
Things weren't
heavy life was easy
Didn't seem to
worry where to go
Yeah!
Lost again!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, Sparkles!
Wake up.
Hi Careless.
I need those letters.
You guys bring those letters?
They're empty.
Oh, mine's not!
Hey, that's illegal!
Umm...
we need those letters.
Bow-bow.
So... how's prison?
Kill me.
Nurse.
This man needs a handjob.
Stat.
What's a handjob?
Handjob's like...
medicine for grownups.
Does it work for asthma?
It's the cure for asthma!
I need a handjob.
Handjobs for everybody!
Handjob! Handjob!
Handjob! Handjob!
Please stop.
Please stop.
Give us your garlic bread.
It's not for me ass-face.
What the fuck man?
Now we have no bread!
You wanted bread?
Idiot!
What's for desert?
Oh!
I'm on fire!
Oh my God!
Toast get the pills.
Shane, The Raincoat Kid.
Was the rarest of angels.
Allergic to everything God
had created.
Well, they're all blue!
Hey, Needles,
what's up?
Eh, I get itchy.
Yeah, from what?
Uh... bee stings, grass
and pine cones.
Peanuts, powder, and pasta.
Sunlight, air and colour.
And certain flavors of juice.
Little girls and gravity.
Shane was a walking pharmacy.
But the boy loved to run.
Go Shane, go!
He's out!
Oh wait...
he's safe.
Way to go Batman!
Good job, Shane!
Shane loved camp.
Loved nature too.
Too bad Nature
didn't feel the same way.
How's recess?
Gave my balls sideburns.
Nice.
Luke Perry?
Presley.
Classy.
Flyball!
I got it!
Gave my bag a mullet.
Party.
Yeah! Only in the front.
And then of course,
there was Flyball.
5 for 5.
Princeton Honors Graduate.
Harvard MBA.
Trauma Magnet.
6 for 6.
Shake it off, kid.
You actually expect him
to catch the ball?
You know the Ass
is trying get you fired, right?
Why does he hate you so much?
I create happiness.
That's the bad pitching.
Am I right?
Sundae!
Hello?
Anybody here?
Hello?
Hey there champ.
What can I get you?
Ice?
Sure thing, stud.
What's for lunch?
Oh, it's pizza day.
You wanna watch?
Trees, swaying in the
summer breeze,
Showing off
their silver leaves
As we walk by.
Soft kisses
on a summer's day,
Laughing all our cares away,
Just you and I.
Sweet, sleepy warmth
of summer nights,
Gazing at the distant lights
In the starry sky.
Here's your ice hot stuff.
Go.
Councillors on the docks.
Now.
Ok. Well, yes we're fine...
The councillors are going
to change the time.
Genetic boots and you jump over
the high tower.
I can't get around.
Mr. Popular.
Heads up.
Art Lady sends her best.
Yeah!
Makin' babies tonight!
I didn't make this.
Although I will
take the art lady.
You're not the Fetus?
It's not mine.
What's up, Raincoats?
I can't go on the canoe trip.
I'm allergic.
Yeah?
You're healed.
Woo!
I'm normal!
Violation of privacy!
Hey, Teen Wolf,
you went eight-point-oh.
Talk me down.
It wasn't mine.
Yeah?
You wrecked someone else's?
Just send me home.
Yeah, for what?
Littering?
Just leave it.
I broke my own heart.
Kid, you're taking
the fun out of High School.
Is it girls?
I can help.
Is it guys?
I mean like, the guys, or...
or guys?
That's cool.
Is it guys?
It was mine.
But you can't tell.
Doctor/Patient privilege.
Okay, we know
what your dad does.
I just told you
that so you can't punish me.
Heartbreak, man,
you're punished yourself.
Great.
Great.
Child.
New Kid.
New Kid.
Having a good summer?
Yeah.
I always have a good summer.
You've been here before?
Yeah.
But you're the New Kid?
Yeah.
Mmm.
Morning campers.
Hide it, hide it.
Guess what today is?
It's send-a-camper-home day.
Yeah.
Last night...
someone got out of this cabin
and thought it would be very
funny to poop in a canoe.
You think that's funny, huh?
Zip it, boys.
Button it!
Now...
it's disgusting.
We don't do that at this camp,
we don't do that here.
And.
I'm very unhappy.
You blame us for everything!
You're guilty of everything.
Uh, guilty means proof,
and you never have any.
Really?
Shyza.
Busted.
Okay, Hirshfeld, let's go.
Come on.
You don't know
which one's Hirshfeld?
Flyball. You're a Hirshfeld.
Come on, let's go.
Just testing.
Casper?
Let's go.
You're a Hirschfeld.
Let's go.
Who pooped in the canoe?
Toast?
No, not you.
I know your father.
You don't know their names?
Yes Careless,
I know their names.
There's "Plays with guns".
"Farts in bed"
and "Has a big problem with...
meat".
I don't know, they change
every day, the names.
I meant their real names.
Fine no, I don't know
their real names.
What are their real names?
I don't know their fake names.
That's great.
That's really funny.
Doogie Howser, hold up.
You know Hirshfeld?
Uh...
Flyball?
You sure?
There's name tags
on their clothes.
Name tags on their clothes.
All right, let me see your
clothes...
Abe come in! We have a 4-4-2
at the Monkey Bin.
Bas, I'm with the laundry.
Laundry.
On your beds!
What's your name?
Mud.
Shh!
What's his name?
- I think it's Mud, Sir.
- It is not Mud, Sir.
Bas?
Do you know Hirshfeld?
I know the father.
Which one's Hirshfeld.
Well...
The father looks like that one.
Bas...
Should uh, boys so naked
be this close together?
Nurse.
Doctor.
- Take off your shirt.
- No.
- Do it!
- No!
Do it for science?
Uh, Careless?
Wrong section, yeah?
Stay in your section.
Oh.
Kill me.
Good question.
Baby.
Oh, hi stud.
How you doing?
I'm leaving you with child.
How are you?
Next.
Hey.
I am a Greek Lord!
Next!
Hey!
That's. The "No" zone.
Next!
My mom made that.
So.
What are the rules Careless?
Fire in the hole!
No rules.
We mean,
how do you want to run this?
I do not.
So you're saying,
that I could take this ball,
and throw it at Mitch,
and you wouldn't stop me?
- Nope.
- Yes!
Ha-ha!
Die!
Stop!
What are you doing?
You're going out?
But...
don't you have to stay here?
Until you're fake asleep?
What about your job?
People keep saying that.
Yes.
Okay over there?
Okay.
Great.
Toast, you're on kitchen.
Why?
You knocked a kid
from the rafters.
You didn't stop me?
In life.
You are going to be alone.
A lot.
And a bad idea.
Eh...
always gonna be a bad idea.
My father is the Chairman,
you know.
Be good.
Lick bag.
Excuse me?
You heard me say it.
Lick bag.
You know, those big neon signs
that say "Lick bag"
subtitled in French,
Lick Le Baggage!
I like it.
- Still on kitchen.
- Get your shit off the bed!
Get it off!
It's not your bed!
Get it off, you ass wipe!
Get it off!
You idiot!
You black-haired ass wipe!
Get it off!
I will kill you!
I will take a knife,
rip your stomach open,
and feed your heart to yourself!
I will take your intestines out,
strangle you,
and then whip you with it!
Then hang you!
Get them off!
Faster!
Faster! Faster!
Steve was an angry kid.
But only because his best friend
wasn't there.
That was Willy's bed.
That is Willy's bed, you idiot.
But Willy wasn't coming
to camp this summer.
His father passed away
before camp,
and there was no way
Willy could come.
No one called him.
No one wrote.
No one visited.
What did we know?
We were kids.
Even though he couldn't
come to camp,
I'm sure he'd like to have known
that we saved his bed.
So if you're out there Willy,
and you're watching,
even though you couldn't
come to camp that summer,
we saved you a bed.
I thought you'd like to know.
- Hello.
- Hey babe.
All right.
Sometimes in life you may think
you deserve something,
but you don't.
I'm losing my job.
Ah well, the job, the woman,
you're lousy at both.
Thank you.
You know, for somebody
as cocky as you are,
I'd think about that.
Those kids, they...
they think you're a legend,
a God, so...
Be one.
Christ.
That's funny.
Come on, Abe.
This is unacceptable.
It's not funny.
That is... that is... that is in
poor taste, is what that is.
That's... Oh, great.
Hey, this.
No not funny.
Sick, yes.
Bad taste, yes.
Not funny.
And you know what?
There's no place for that
at this camp.
So, you want to play,
you want to do me,
you want to do the whole thing?
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
I can keep up with you.
Okay?
Don't do that kind of stuff,
because it's not
good for the kids.
It's... no place at the camp
for the kids, and...
and you're a bad influence
on the kids here.
So just uh...
What are you doing?
This is not yours.
This is illegal, what you're doing.
Abe, is it me?
You know, 'cause here's the
problem,
I'm trying to do this
all by myself,
seems like it's
all on my shoulders!
It's sick!
It's sick!
The whole thing.
You smell like poop.
I get headaches.
From the parents, the kids.
My slutty daughters,
who God forbid
they should make a baby here,
the kid could have 10 fathers!
If the uh, kid comes out
her ass, it's mine.
Careless.
No more headaches.
You need a Handjob.
Get that fixed.
Reckless, Piss off!
Fartbag, I'm busy.
Hi.
Hey.
Listen to the cool noise
I can make with my lips.
Who're you writing?
Uh, a letter to my Mom.
Cool, let's hear it.
Okay, um...
"Dear Mom.
I'm having a great time here.
It's really hot,
and I went canoeing.
This year, they let me fish and I caught
the biggest bass you've ever seen.
And uh, all my friends are here,
except Willy.
And uh, Sundae's here, too.
She's pretty like you.
Love, Fetus."
You really like your mom.
I like your mom, too.
I need something.
Fetus, Fetus,
Sundae-Sundae Fetus!
Everybody out!
Back to your cabins!
Oh, Fetus, you should have seen
your expression.
Lights off!
First Base...
Shut up!
First Base...
First Base...
Woo.
Yes!
You suck ass!
Relax.
We're gonna be legends, right?
How? Huh?
Come on.
You want the girl instead?
Okay sure,
I'll get you the girl.
Clickety-click Barba-trick.
I was furious. But desperate.
And about to put my dreams
into the hands of a boy
we nicknamed "Reckless."
And even as I did it.
I wished that I knew better.
All right, where'd we leave off?
We haven't started yet.
Ah yes.
The Fetus.
You know, only if you want to.
That's not right.
You're up, Carmen.
No way, pig.
Okay, whatever.
You know, your loss.
Fine, whatever.
Yeah right.
Wow.
That was just plain horrifying.
I need to blow my nose.
That was sick.
Sundae, you're up.
Let's do this!
I can make you a Legend.
Set it up, get the girl.
Clickety-click.
I'm all over it.
And suddenly I was back.
Ready to tear Red's head off.
But the rage was gone.
Heartbreak, what's up?
It happened.
He screwed up again.
In my mind.
I saw it all in a blink.
What?
In a fit of rage, I'd evolved.
Heartbreak, what's up?
I just...
I just developed foresight.
I can think things through.
What's that like?
It hurts.
You're my friend.
But your thoughtless.
Like Toast.
No.
Not like Toast.
You're just mean, I think.
You know what?
I don't need you for this.
Well...
we don't need you for this!
Don't even come near me!
In my mind it happened.
That always stuck with me.
Considering what
I said to Reckless,
I thought it best
we spend time apart.
It's too bad that didn't happen.
You're crowding the base.
Oh, you want space Heartbreak?
Okay, you got it.
Honeymoon's over?
Shit.
Good swing, good swing.
How's it going boys?
Okay.
Game on.
Come on guys!
I gotta make past first to score!
Come on!
Oh, taking it past
first base are we now?
Pig.
Just cause I get it
don't make me a pig.
Girls you get are like buffets.
Anyone can eat.
Oh, at least I'm getting served.
Second hand cars are cheaper.
Okay, sure thing, first Base.
Toast.
Finish this.
Go ahead.
It's all yours.
Come on, Toast, same thing!
Later pig.
Get on the ground, Trauma!
Get the ball, fartbag!
Get the ball!
Take 2nd!
Take 2nd!
Out at 2nd!
You're out.
And I was out.
Yo, New Kid.
It's Noah.
Noah.
No one's is
getting in that bag but you.
Then why?
I get to play.
I have stress.
Yeah...
I come to camp to lose stress,
but now there's new stress.
So when I leave camp,
I'll have to go to camp.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
All right.
I like a girl, But...
It's like I'm not allowed to.
I mean...
no one's perfect,
but she's perfect for me.
I need a good pitch.
I mean, if Toast is strong,
and Reckless is funny
and Grandpa's smart,
then I'm thoughtful.
But...
that doesn't pow,
like a home run.
I need punch to get the girl.
I just don't know how she feels.
How do you feel?
I don't know.
I just, uh...
I like her a lot.
Does she make you stupid?
No.
You're in for a treat.
Heartbreak,
there's two kinds of women.
Ones that make us nervous.
And ones that make us better.
The ones that make you stupid,
make you nervous, make you puke.
The ones that make you better,
they'll make you strong.
You know, wise and funny.
Find the right girl,
she'll make you a king.
Then you won't be thinking
others can do,
'cause you'll be He-Man.
Interesting.
Then how do I get her?
You've got her.
Explain.
Well...
wanting's most of the work.
I mean, want it enough
and your body'll figure it out.
It's like,
you want to move your feet?
You think it.
Want the girl?
Just...
think it.
Your body will
handle the details.
That's...
that's nature.
That's what happens.
Oh, I see.
You think too much.
Kids don't think.
Kids do.
I think.
I don't.
Kid, you got my brain.
What would your brain do next?
What if I told her
how pretty she was?
Boo!
Why?
Eh, girls don't think
they're pretty.
Girls think other girls
are pretty, so.
A, she won't believe you.
And B, now you're a liar.
I'm a liar?
Oh yeah.
Worst kind.
What kind is that?
The innocent.
All right, repeat after me.
"She's Not Pretty"
She's not pretty.
Like this, like this.
She no pretty.
No pretty.
No pretty!
No pretty.
No pretty!
She no pretty.
Not Pretty!
What's left?
Um, I wrote her a letter.
Lazy.
What if I read it?
Creepy!
Just give her the big speech.
Girls love the big speech.
You know, what's the kiss worth?
What would you trade for it?
I like what I've got.
You're losing somethin' kid.
That's the deal.
Put them all under the bed.
Put them under Careless' bed.
No one's going to look there.
Is he trustworthy enough though?
I don't know man.
I don't know the guy that well.
Hey Boys.
Hey Careless.
Where you been?
Been out.
Yeah?
What you got there?
We stole all the Brooms.
All the brooms from where?
From everywhere.
Where's everywhere?
Everywhere there was a broom?
You got all the brooms?
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
You're fired.
They ran out of brooms.
You're fired too.
Back off you slut!
You... you jackass!
Strike!
What the hell was that?
Are you trying to kill... no.
No, no, that was a ball.
That was a ball.
Strike three.
That was a ball.
That was definitely a ball.
You're out.
Fetus, it was
right over the plate.
You left your bat.
Nice swingin' though.
Trouble getting to first base?
Hey.
I'm Careless.
I'm lousy at my job,
and lousy with girls.
Something you want to say?
Doesn't really know
I'm all out of love
I'm so lost without you
Shhh.
I'm doing something.
I'm all out of love
What am I without you
Last ups!
It can't be too late
To say that I was so wrong
He can't hit!
Say that again.
He can't hit.
This should be good.
Did you sleep
with my girlfriend?
Which one?
All right Fetus,
here comes the lollipop.
All right? Here it comes.
Are you watching?
Strike.
God!
Come on.
Strike two!
Oh, come on.
Let it hit you!
Ball one.
Yes!
Over the fence, Fetus.
Run, Fetus, run!
Woo-hoo!
Run!
Good job!
I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Figure out what you're gonna
say to the girl?
Yep.
All right.
You're about ten feet away from
cashing in that home run.
I'm gonna go back to my cabin.
Someday I'll be 80, with kids,
who have kids.
And I'll still play the moment
when Sundae took my hand.
Ah, Mud!
Your clothes smell like ass.
You're face smells like ass.
I will kick you
in the baby maker!
I lost my pube!
You thought you had a pube
until you pissed out of it.
Red Pubes!
Black Pubes!
Red Pubes!
Black pubes!
White Pubes.
What's up Casper?
My laundry didn't come back.
You got no clothes?
Hey!
Gremlins!
Has anyone seen Mitch's laundry?
Did anyone take it by accident?
Mitch.
Here.
Clean.
No germs.
For tomorrow, white boy.
I feel like a rainbow!
That could go either way.
Whoa!
Hot date?
Yeah.
But she's not pretty.
Ahh, charity work.
Think I should ask first?
Yeah.
First you earn it.
Then you ask for it.
Then you have to go,
and make it great.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, can I ask you a question?
And it's all right
if you say no.
Okay.
Would it be alright
if we kissed?
I... fold, I guess.
I don't know what to do.
Ah...
See, if it was me,
I'd go all in.
But that's me,
I'm an aggressive gambler.
Mr. Vegas.
She said yes!
All right!
Yeah.
Believe it man.
Believe it.
Start believing it man.
So how was it?
How was it?
Oh crap.
Halt!
That's a violation of curfew.
I left uh, clothes
on the clothesline...
Violation of curfew.
Back in the cabin.
I have unfinished business!
Your business is sleeping.
Lights out now.
There's a girl, um.
Oh, yeah, there's always a girl.
Back in the cabin!
Ah!
You all right?
I miss you.
Well, just come and see me.
I can't.
I'm not allowed to cross
the bridge at night.
Oh my God.
I'm dating a man with the brain
of a ten year old child.
Move over.
Move.
I uh...
I just, I'm trying to figure out
ways to come and see you.
You're a man.
Just cross the damn bridge.
Hmmm.
What are those?
Where's Careless?
Guys?
There's no staff.
Oh my God.
It's senior's day.
Go, go, go!
I have no underwear!
Hurry!
For one day of every summer,
the staff get up before us.
They get on a bus
and go into town.
Leaving the Seniors in charge.
What the hell are you doing?
Don't make me come out there.
Don't make...
What the?
I can see you!
That is something else.
It's a lot like
Lord of The Flies.
But with motorboats.
Get the speedboat
out of the lagoon!
Get out of the lagoon
with the motorboat!
Don't make me come out there!
Don't make me...!
Uh-oh.
Okay, who's up there?
Who's shooting?
Who's up there?
Who is that?
We got Girls, man.
Load up, load up, load up!
Turtles, attack!
Stand down, stand down!
Sorry.
Not cool, loser.
Shut your hole, Private.
Um, sorry, I kinda got stuck
in the cabin last night.
Uh.
See you tonight?
I will see you tonight!
Tell me you don't miss that.
I need to get out of here.
Not past that.
We'll help.
Yeah.
All right, Raincoats.
You're up.
Get back in the cabin, please.
Shane...
everything all right?
Listen, buddy, we can't have you
out so late, okay?
We can't watch you in the dark.
Oh crap.
Get 'em, get them all!
All right.
I'm gone.
Chance to tell me
what's actually going on!
I see you everywhere but here.
We work together!
Yeah for someone
who cares about me...
Ouch!
What are you trying to do,
bite me?
Oh yeah?
Why don't you
just tell me I'm wrong.
You're wrong.
Listen, I don't think
this is a such a good idea.
I better just go.
Not so great?
Oh yeah, he folded my towels,
so I screwed his brains out.
Well here's a bunch of towels,
why don't you screw these guys?
Go back to the cabin.
Why?
Why are you here?
You hate kids!
You hate camp!
What are you talking about?
You make me get this.
I got news for you, okay!
I'm not here for the kids!
I'm here for the parents!
You're out there
looking for genius,
I'm out there
looking for danger.
You know, we lose one kid,
that's it Eric.
That's it.
We're done.
You know how shallow
our lake is?
We sunk the old bridge in there.
You know,
I don't care what you do,
jumping off the hightower,
but I've two hundred campers
who can't
and now are gonna try.
For 60 years we've been
pressing our luck here.
And it's just math now,
be it beating, bee stings,
or drowning;
We're just math away.
Okay, and you can boo-hoo-hoo
your brains out,
but it's gonna be the directors
who take the fall.
I will take the blame for
shutting down this death circus.
You know, I'd much rather put a
kid in tears than into a coffin.
And how dare you.
You... you have no idea
what it's like to be a parent.
You have no idea
what it's like to be a man.
You're a boy.
You make boy choices.
Just grow up!
Eh, muchacho!
Your boys no come
down to the dock anymore.
Kill me now.
If you cannot respect a boat.
You cannot respect
a person in the boat.
What'd they do?
No more Laguna!
What did they do?
How do you sink a paddle boat?
Nothing it's made from sinks!
It's not even a boat.
3 paddle boats.
And a canoe.
Okay, stop talking!
Hey!
Stop breathing.
It was an accident.
You're an accident.
You're a baby.
Shut up!
Fang.
Please!
But you said that...
Something I said?
Something I said to sink a boat?
When?
Don't answer.
Do not blame me
for your failures.
There's 10 of you...
Um, there's 11 of us.
Oh my God, there's ten.
I don't need the guilt.
It takes everything I've got
just to get up every day
and deal with my own problems.
You're lousy kids.
Nothing about you is good.
This is your family.
You suck.
You suck so much.
Why you so mean to each other?
Why the hell you so mean?
Jesus Christ,
be nice to each other.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Childhood should be fun.
You all suck.
You suck times 10.
You suck times 11.
Eat that.
What?
Well done.
Baby doesn't hear so good.
Baby ears.
Bite me, loser.
You bite me, Baby teeth.
The one's you bit
your pen pal with.
Yeah, maybe that's why your kissy-kissy
girlfriend isn't bleeding yet.
Maybe that's 'cause
she's a baby too.
Okay, stop!
He's only nine!
The liar's only nine!
He shouldn't even be
in our cabin.
Great.
Fine, you wanted rules.
You got-'em.
Rule number one: Reckless,
you're a dick.
Fix it.
The rest of you...
Be good.
When?
Heartbreak!
Slow down, slow down, slow down!
Here.
Come here.
All right.
You bit the girl.
All right, that's the worst.
Ugh, come back, come here.
Let it go.
In a couple years,
they're into it, okay?
All right?
We're guys,
it's going to happen.
It's how we do things.
In life, you're gonna fail
and fail
and you're gonna fail until the only
hope you got left smells like piss.
That was the worst
pep talk ever.
Yeah well.
I was gonna do this thing with
the calcium and uh...
next time, stick around for
the... stick around next time.
Uh...
I'm gonna get this
when I'm older.
No!
Come here.
Don't take 10 years.
Take 10 minutes.
Just pick something you believe
in and make it happen.
Okay?
All it's ever
going to mean is this:
Giving up stuff you really want,
to just get the stuff you need.
What do you need?
Play nice.
Hey.
Okay, I'll go first.
I'm sorry.
I just...
We're good?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
How are you?
Oh, good.
Want some gum?
No.
What's this?
Did you make this for me?
It's got uh, bug spray.
To keep the bugs off.
It doesn't get easier
when you grow up.
You'll always be afraid
of something.
If it's not softball,
it's girls.
It's not girls, it's your job.
Actually...
somehow, it's always girls.
This is the best it gets.
Even if it sucks here.
This is the best
of things that suck.
And it only lasts the summer.
And a few summers at that.
You can't stay forever.
Life is coming.
And life's great.
But it'll kick you.
And if you don't take the kicks,
you don't get to play.
So, get used to making
hard choices.
And maybe when you're done here,
when you can't
come back anymore,
life won't be such
a punch in the stomach.
And then one night
he just walked off.
And you could tell
he wasn't coming back.
We knew he had something to fix.
And you knew that he could.
Boss, hold up.
You got to stay with the
inmates.
Big C. Stop!
It would probably
involve a bucket.
- Please?
- Lick Bag.
And a various times, no pants.
Either way, we were on our own.
The Ass makes
his nightly rounds.
He stops at the office.
But this is still during our
ability to run around.
He gets his coffee,
he stays in the office.
Once our curfew time is up,
he leaves the office,
stops here.
Makes sure nobody's coming from
the junior side to the senior side.
He gets in the high tower...
How about when he
turns around we sprint
and we make a run for it?
What are you waiting for?
Pubic Fairy?
Listen, man, you tried this
thing, it didn't fly.
Your country needs you back.
You've hit the bridge what,
ten times?
Where's your towel?
Realistic goals my friend.
Realistic goals.
Hey, Toast.
If we call your dad, we'll get
Careless back by tomorrow.
There will be no tomorrow.
For anyone, who opens
this door tonight.
Find a bunk.
Go.
Listen up.
You're under my leash, now.
Anyone leaving this cabin
tonight will be leaving again
in the morning.
And you won't be coming back.
Until your kids have kids.
Your section head will be seated
outside this door all night.
Think inside the box.
Go to bed.
Camper Mitch...
You desecrated my cabin.
Tomorrow,
you will mop the entire mess hall.
Be at the office by the time
I start the morning show.
Be late...
You'll mop at your wedding.
Go to bed.
Hey!
Listen up.
As long as I've had friends,
it's been you guys.
Before that,
I don't remember nothing.
No one is getting replaced,
okay?
But tonight,
I'm adding the girl.
You do, what you need to.
But if I do not do this,
I'm going to get old,
I'm gonna get cancer.
A Team?
B Team?
Fine.
It's suicide.
It's stupid.
And they call me reckless.
Look around!
Don't you get it?
We have empty beds here!
Look, look.
Where's Willy?!
Where's Willy this summer?
Out there, it's nothing.
Nothing.
In here, it's everything.
And sometimes
kids don't make it. Okay?
Look, I hope I'm here next year
and I hope Willy's here
next year.
Who knows?
Who knows anything?
But I'm here now.
And I know this.
That's what counts.
So, I'm going out.
I got my brain back.
Wait.
Shane!
We're not allowed out,
you can't.
I've been healed.
And if you were wondering,
yes, it's real.
Can I blow it?
Hold on.
Back in the cabin, please.
Oh yeah, thanks,
we've seen this one before.
Back in the cabin, please.
Oh, this is new.
Oh shit.
Everyone get him!
Go!
Sundae!
Bring her to the window!
Please!
Fetus?
I didn't mean
to leave you before.
And I didn't mean
I bite you after.
It's just.
You're not pretty.
- What?
- I mean you are, but...
pretty, it's a word
to describe things easy.
But there's nothing easy about
how much I like you.
I mean, forget...
forget I can't sleep.
I can't be awake!
I bump into things.
I-I can't eat,
I can't dream.
But I don't need to.
All I need to think about
is you.
You're how I measure happiness.
Units of you.
I-I blew it.
I blew it.
Ruined,
ruined us.
It happens, I'm a guy.
But it's just that I thought,
it's not the kiss
that's special.
It's just you.
So, when you took my hand
on the bridge.
That'll be my moment.
My moment of us.
That we can talk about,
when we're old.
When you took my hand.
I'm nine.
I'm only nine.
You make me feel 10.
I'm gonna kiss you.
No you're not.
No.
You're not.
You had your moment.
What about my moment?
This can be my moment.
I'm kissing you.
Sundae Sundae Fetus.
Tap that.
Way to go, Heartbreak!
What are you doing here?
A Team, baby.
A Team.
What about Mitch?
Mitch, Mitch has got issues.
Yeah...
Papa's got to work.
Not this again.
Immortality...
It's in the air, boys.
Hey Fetus,
still got your brain on?
Could have used
some foresight here.
Smooth move, EX-LAX.
Happy Hanukkah.
What's in the bag?
Oh, no way.
- Oh, yeah way.
- This was you?
I took shit for this!
Oh, you suck front and back.
What's in the bag?
What is it man?
Genius.
You stole Mitch's clothes?
We traded.
Brilliant!
And then one summer
we made it across.
It didn't matter how,
but how we were able.
Yes!
Confidence.
A girl took my hand
and then she kissed me.
And with every bridge
I cross in life,
I remember
where my confidence started.
And even though
we made it across,
no one had planned how to get
back, or what to do next.
All we'd ever thought about
was getting across.
So we winged some
shit and it was great.
When you get across
your own bridge,
I suggest you doing the same.
Some of these guys
I never saw again.
Some of these guys,
I can't get rid of still.
They were the best friends
I ever had.
And I don't even know
their names.
I'd have kept in touch.
But information won't give out
an address for Douchebag,
"City or town please?"
"Boston."
"Name?"
"Uh, Douchebag?"
So remember the journey,
and share all your prizes.
It's the right thing to do.
And even though it always looks
that way, no one wins alone.
That being said.
I hope your dreams are as vivid,
your lives as rich,
and your love as wonderful,
as it was when I was ten.
Somebody say hey!
We want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Let me hear you say hey
we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Somebody say hey!
We want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Everybody say hey
we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
You see, me and my homies
like to play this game
We call it Amtrak
but some call it the train
We all would line up
in a single-file line
And take our turns
at waxing girls' behinds
I say, girls, don't hide it,
just divide it
And please don't knock it
until you've tried it
So to all of you bitches
and all you hoes
Let's have group sex
and do the Rambo!
Everybody say
hey we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Everybody say hey
we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
I'm the Peter Piper
of the 1980's
Got a long hard dick
for all of the ladies
I don't care
if you got three babies
You can work the stick
in my Mercedes
If you wanna blow,
just let me know
We can go backstage
at the end of the show
I'll look at you,
and you will look at me
They got me.
You know what to do,
'cause I won't say please
Just nibble on my dick
like a rat does cheese!
Everybody say
hey we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Everybody say
hey we want some pussy!
Hey we want some pussy!
Somebody say
hey we want some pussy!
I'm not eating the burgers now.
Is that stuff soup?
Hi Careless.
Hi.
Remember me, Itchie Ritchie?
Whoever said you can't get crabs
from a toilet seat was wrong, huh?
Sorry.
New ball.
New ball right away.
That's pollution.
I'm too hungry
to do this anymore.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Does camp feel prison?
I know this feels like prison.
Yo, quit it!
Mr. President.
Ladies.
We're being abused.
Seriously though,
where's your proof?
Oh, this one's pretty good.
That one's all improv.
Wow.
Oh, um, there's a flipbook
in there.
Creative!
I got that off the Discovery
Channel.
Yeah, ha.
Ha!
Cut!
All right, I'm not going to get
tired of that.
Where am I going?
Right... there.
Stay.
Reset.
I got him.
You're throwing me.
I'm not.
You can keep your mouth closed.
Or don't.
Who's next?
Put that fire out!
He tried to kiss me again.
Get the papers.
He hit me right in the dick.
What was that about?
Gimme!
There's something
you don't know.
Yeah, what's that?
How to write a screenplay.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
You're not in the second film.
Touch.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
What foreskin is like.
There's something
you don't know.
Again, again.
There's something
you don't know.
Oh, what's that.
The joy of Christmas.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
The love of a nuclear family.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
How to read.
Oh!
There's something
else you don't know.
What's that?
What your sister kisses like.
There's something
you don't know.
What's that?
The gentle touch of a man.
Sorry.