Airplane Mode (2019) Movie Script
Ladies and
gentlemen I'd like to direct
your attention to the screen
in front of you.
We'll be showing a brief
safety demonstration.
While boarding the flight
please keep the aisle clear
- and find your designated seat.
- Argh!
In the event of a water landing
Chloe Bridges lips
can be used as
a flotation device.
Please enjoy one
complementary drink.
Please store
your carry on in one of
the overhead compartments.
If you need to flee the aircraft
beware of sharp objects
as they can puncture
the evacuation slide.
We ask that all seat
backs and titty tassels
are in their full
upright positions.
If you have to smoke,
please disable the lavatory smoke detectors
so as not to wake
the other passengers.
The flight attendants will now
demonstrate proper safety procedures.
Pull the cord
to inflate the safety chest.
As a reminder racial profiling
is strictly tolerated,
please report
any suspicious ethnicity.
If you do not have a selfie stick,
one will be provided for you.
Please keep your seat belts
fastened at all times
as we may experience
unexpected flatulence.
As a reminder there is no
crying allowed on this flight,
please silence your baby at this time or it
will be checked to your final destination.
Thank you for choosing
Koalair, koality you can trust.
At this time your portable
electronic devices must be set...
...to airplane mode.
You're on
the other side of the world,
how can we possibly
make this work?
Let's just make things simple
like when we first met
on Chatroulette.
When we first connected,
fell in love,
and the sparks flew
when I asked you those deep,
personal questions like,
what were those? Oh yeah,
- age, sex, location?
- Yeah.
Hey Logan, I'm ready to take
this to the next level.
Oh yes, here we go.
Come on, old friend.
Who are you talking to?
Just a second freshening up.
Okay, okay, babe, now
these are for your eyes only.
Yeah, don't worry babe,
it's just me.
Do you have any almond milk?
Uh... you were jerking off.
Come on man! You shouldn't just
burst into people's rooms like that.
And you shouldn't be jerking
off in the middle of the day
with your door unlocked
and all your friends downstairs.
Now, do you have
almond milk or not?
Come on man, it's next
to my socks, you know that.
Yo we're drinking up.
Sorry about that babe.
Okay.
- Who was that?
- Oh.
That would be Juanpa,
my foreign exchange brother
who's overstayed
his welcome by a decade!
What about your real
brother, Jake?
Oh.
Disney got him. Okay.
- Argh. The moment's ruined babe, don't you think?
- No, no babe, um...
Okay, just, okay... How about
this? Take a deep breath.
Asasasa!
Okay close your eyes, close your
eyes, that's right okay. Now...
Imagine our second date, remember all
the sexy shit I was typing to you?
I sent you that sexy
picture with the pineapple
over my penis and I blamed it
on auto correct.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't auto correct.
- I said it.
- Okay, okay.
My turn, imagine
we're together... alone.
I'm standing right next to you.
you can feel my body on yours
- and I whisper in your ear...
- Smile, you're on camera!
Lele,
what the actual fuck?
This is gonna be the best video ever!
Delete that now!
No, it's gonna get
a million likes.
It's not all about likes
you know.
What, are you fucking stupid?
Delete, delete,
delete it, Lele, delete it!
Logan, are you all right?
Suck it, bitch!
- Delete.
- I hate you!
- I hate you.
- You're girlfriend's a computer!
Jesus.
Oh my god.
Thanks buddy.
Sorry about that, babe.
Oh man can't get
any privacy around here.
- Okay.
- Hey Logan, you seen the email?
What! Ow! Ah!
- I'll talk to you later, Logan.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck, man.
I was getting somewhere.
Bro what are you... what are you in
here doing man, I worry about you.
That's not your girlfriend,
she's not a real girlfriend,
she's a computer girlfriend.
Huge difference,
real girlfriend, ump-ump
computer girlfriend, eh-eh-eh,
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
- And I hate to break it down
but your girlfriend
probably got a dick.
This convention is gonna
be the fucking tits!
What convention?
You didn't hear about #acon?
Bro it's the biggest social
media convention ever.
Yeah man, #acon.
Everyone's gonna be there.
It's gonna be awesome.
How do you not know about this?
Okay, uh, seriously,
what is #acon?
Who the hell cares,
people get laid at conventions.
- Yeah they do.
- Okay.
- Really?
- Huh.
- Is that like a thing?
- Is that what, was that English?
Like a thing,
sorry, I was born in Mexico.
Yeah, that's literally why they
invented conventions, so you can fuck.
It's like the only place you can cheat
on your wife and get a free gift basket.
The gift baskets,
uh, but the cheating.
- So this means...
- You can have sex finally.
Ooh.
No more virginity!
- Yeah Juanpa.
- I'm not gonna be a virgin, Logan!
Let's do it!
We're all gonna be on
the same fucking flight.
- Are you ready, man?
- What, no, no, no. What...
We...
Do we have to fly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah Logan, yeah.
Uh, then I can't go.
No Logan, por favor not again.
Why can't you fly Logan?
You can
do it, Logan, you can do it!
It's gonna go on YouTube.
I don't know,
looks pretty high from up here.
You're wearing a helmet,
use your wings, you big pussy.
Alright, here it goes.
My foreign exchange brother
Logan is going to fly.
Oh shit!
Logan!
- How bad is it?
- You broke your femurs.
That's how I got these.
- Whoa.
- That's the dumbest story I've ever heard.
You ain't the fucking Wright
Brothers motherfucker, alright?
And pull your pants up,
the scars bring out the bitch in you.
You a nasty bitch,
you a nasty bitch.
Come on stop,
stop, guys, stop.
Guys, I'm not going and stop
jumping, we have termites!
Shut the fuck up
and jump with us!
The termites!
Termites?
Fuck the shitty termites.
Ain't anybody worried
about no goddamn termites.
Seriously, everyone needs
to stop jumping now!
Yo, stop being
a biggity bitch okay?
- Sorry.
- Ain't no termites gonna chew through
this floor on my watch,
I ain't gonna let it happen.
And second off you ain't
gonna tell a black man
that he can't jump,
I know my rights motherfucker
and I'm gonna jump.
I'm gonna jump!
I'm gonna jump.
- What the fuck?
- You guys good?
- What happened?
- My dick.
How did you land like that?
It's time to get over
your fear of flying, man.
If you won't do it for her,
do it for my virginity.
Please. Por favor.
Not gonna happen buddy, sorry.
Oh, it just would have been fun
to tear up Australia with you.
- Australia?
- Yeah, but it's fine,
I'll just call a hooker
she can do the job.
- It's in Australia?
- Yeah, bro, Australia.
Imagine all the stuff
we can do there, man,
- kangaroos, wallaby's, shrimp on the barbie.
- Shrimp on the barbie.
Marsupials, motherfucker,
dingo's eating babies,
and you get to see the girl
who lives in your computer.
Real titties, soft nipples, uh?
Hey, you talking about
computer titties in there?
Hey, let
me tell you something about
these Australian hoes.
They're crazy,
they're like boomerangs.
You throw them away
they come right back
and suck your dick, mate.
"Hey, can I suck your
dick, mate?" I'm like,
"Yeah, you can do it.
Now put your back into it".
- Alright.
- Uh-huh.
I know I'm gonna regret this.
But let's do it!
Oh, sh... Okay.
Ah! That's amazing, babe,
you're gonna love it here, I promise.
I dunno I heard actually
it's pretty gnarly.
- What do you mean?
- Like deadly spiders, and snakes and shit.
Oh yeah, we've got
a lot of spiders.
- But they're not like everywhere, right?
- Yeah, look it.
Holy shi...
This is my spider stick.
You're so brave for coming
to Australia, Logan,
- I can't believe you're coming.
- I am absolutely terrified but I'm coming.
Crikey, I have to go, bye.
Okay.
Time to say goodbye, old friend.
One more time
for old time's sake.
No. You're making this
harder than it has to be.
That's what I was hoping for.
- Fine, but don't tell Ariel.
- I never would.
- Thanks.
- That bitch is gonna die.
- What?
- I mean... Uh... I was made to fly.
Anyways, er,
rub me on your cock.
- What?
- Did I stutter?
- No.
- Then fucking rub me on your fucking cock!
Wee!
Super
psychedelic stuff from Stones
and the groovy A-M-V-N.
The moment...
You boys want some water?
- No, thanks man.
- Nah, we good fam.
Appreciate you.
- Then maybe some cocaine?
- Sure.
What?
Juanpa what the f... What the fuck?
I mean he's offering.
Shut, shut the fuck up.
- You're not doing cocaine on the way to the airport.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Holy shit. Yo,
Vitaly's on our flight.
Apparently he's gonna
Australia to stand trial.
Wait.
Why is Vitaly going to stand trial?
Look if you weren't
so knee deep in
computer pussy you'd
know what's going on.
I'll take it
from here, blind side.
Welcome to hell.
Augh! Two for flinching.
- Bye mom.
- Bye.
- Bye dad.
- Bye.
Have a great time.
- I'm gonna miss you, Mom.
- I'm gonna miss you.
Now that's
a close family.
Must be European.
Must be nice.
Must be down to fuck.
Hey, ya'll wanna
adopt a black man?
I'm gonna go shove
this weed in my ass.
I got to check in
with immigration.
- You good?
- Not really.
Hide your knives,
hide your drugs,
and hide your liquors
'cause we searching everybody around here.
Step out.
- Do you possess any explosives?
- Nope just this bomb ass pussy.
- How you going, buddy? That's adorable that bag.
- Here you go.
Thank you,
it's actually brand new.
- I just got it from the store.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Cool story man.
Be, be...
Come on man, what the fuck?
Next.
- What was that?
- Here you go.
Whoa.
My uterus.
- Hey where's Juanpa?
- Immigration.
Deported.
Hey, how are ya? Deported.
Oh sweet Jesus,
definitely deported.
Well, hello young man,
are you a citizen
- of these United States of America?
- Si.
- I smell bullshit, deported.
- No! Ow! Wait, look,
I wanna have sex,
just send me to Australia.
- That can be arranged.
- Ah, thank you, sir.
Whoa. Benny?
Oh my god, long time no see.
Um. Is...
he's supposed to be sleeping?
Chill, Logan.
Bag check.
What, why?
- Sir.
- I just have a laptop.
You've been randomly selected
by our advanced safety algorithm
for an extensive anal
cavity search.
I got 911 reasons not
to trust this guy.
Whoa. You know you have
to ex-ray that bird.
Well, he's, er,
like a lapdog, he can't fly.
I don't know
if that bird is a terrorist.
Check the damn bird. Thank you.
Sir, the bird, it's over
three fluid ounces,
you're gonna have to check it.
- Come on, he's got scoliosis.
- Hum.
Ma'am no twerking in my machine.
- I wasn't twerking.
- I'm just making sure.
No, you can't make me!
You can't make me!
No, no, no, no!
Ow, ow!
Okay, okay.
I'm scared.
Wait guys, wait for me.
Wait, stop, hey!
Wait.
As passengers in the emergency
row are you willing
and capable to assist
in the event of an emergency?
Alright, good enough.
No, no I'm fucking not!
Well, luckily for you
the passenger in 2E
just passed away so I can upgrade
you to first class if you like.
- Passed away?
- Mm hm.
What do you mean passed away?
One for you, there you are.
Yeah, mm-hum, hi there you go.
Alright,
there you are, sir.
Hey, Juanpa you made it.
They searched my cavities man.
I've never been to a dentist
like this before.
Alright,
move it along, here we go.
Keep going, all the way back.
Frosty, uh,
my last taste of America.
Ah, shit.
Ew.
Auto correct.
- Are you looking at naked pictures on your phone?
- No.
Yeah, yeah you were.
No, I... I mean, yeah I was
but it's my mom.
You're staring at a naked
photo of your mom?
- No! Yes. Look I... I mean...
- Oh my gosh.
- Ugh.
- Technically yes, it was my mom, technically
yes she was naked
but it's not like...
I don't think we've met,
hi, I'm Logan.
- Jenna.
- Hi Logan, I'm Jenna.
- What?
- Okay, well, I'm...
- I think we got off on the wrong foot.
- Cool.
Really looking forward
to the next 17 hours of this.
Yeah, me to.
- Let me just move in.
- If that helps.
Welcome aboard Koalair flight
1524 to Sidney, Australia.
- Koality you can trust.
- Trust.
This is your captain
Trussell with co-pilot Penis.
First of all
it's pronounced Penis,
I come from a proud
Celtic heritage.
- I'd like to thank you for choosing Koalair.
- Shut up.
We know you have many
choices in air travel
and we are always surprised
when you choose us.
- Argh.
- I think that went pretty well.
That was killer
annunciation bro.
You know I've been taking
this new speech therapy class
and I think my lisp is gone.
I can
barley notice it.
You're so handsome,
you look just like your daddy.
Even though he ran off
with that cheating whore
but your so cute, yes you are.
We're gonna find
you a new daddy.
Yes we are, with way more money.
So, er, you gonna
the social media convention?
- Oh, no, I'm visiting my sweetheart from the war.
- Oh.
He's on his deathbed
- and I promised him...
- Oh I'm sorry.
one more ride on
the merry go around.
Ah, cool.
Oh, by the way I don't
mean to scare you
but I sleep with my eyes open.
- Hello? Uh...
- Oh.
- Oh. Oh boy.
- Lick your lips.
- Oh!
- Uh-oh.
- Mwah.
- Whoa. Fucking A.
And I was left with...
these bad boys. Yeah.
Oh my god.
You probably think
I'm an idiot, huh?
Check this out.
Oh my god!
You have femur scars.
- Matching femur scars.
- Oh yeah, we have matching femur scars.
- This is weird, this is weird.
- It is weird,
most people don't even know what a femur is.
How do we...? Ah.
- Keep it down up there.
- It's fine.
How did you get yours?
Not to freak you out
but plane crash.
Like a... Like the fucking...
Uh...
What the fuck?
God, what the fuck.
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
no one survives those, no.
- I like to play out in your head though. That was funny.
- Okay.
Aah.
- No.
- You got me good, you got me good.
You have a weird sense of humor.
But I like it.
- But how'd that happen actually?
- Ah. Drug deal went south,
they brought hammers, so.
Y... What kind of drugs?
Whoa look at all this leg room.
It's crazy.
I can't even reach
my tray table.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, fucking stop having fun!
Look at you, my
little fluffy haired cum scarf.
- Oh.
- Am I following along at the right place?
That seat back
isn't gonna be the only thing
in the upright position.
- I dunno.
- I'm gonna break you in
like a new pair of sneakers,
Vans, damn Daniel.
I'm gonna ride you
like a pogo stick
and fill you up like
you forgot to say when.
I'm gonna fist you at the Four
Seasons pool in broad daylight.
I'll stretch your tight
little ass like goatskin drum.
I can hear you.
Mmm.
Aww.
Oh, whoa, stop, stop.
Hey, you can do this.
Don't be
a little bitch, alright?
Please turn your cellular
and electronic devices
to airplane setting.
Hey fuck that.
I'd rather die than turn my shit off.
- I'm ready to die so you kill me motherfucker.
- We want full cell service!
Say what you want fools
That's right fools
I'd call you out
But it's not news
The world knows it
Your girl knows it
You not one of them
Tight dudes
We watch you
We know the type
Loud mouth like a motor bike
I don't know why
We let you live
Chalk it up to an over sight
A real man makes up his mind
Don't cry about it
He'll laugh about it
Real men live forever
Aw shit, we're going
the wrong way.
Oh my goodness, I believe
we are going
in the wrong direction.
We got to flip a bitch.
We will now flip a bitch.
The aviation term
for turning the plane around.
Coming about!
It's a video, got your dumb ass.
I fly all the time.
I can't talk right now mom,
I'm on a fucking plane!
- What the hell is going on?
- Aw.
What... Did you spill
on the console again?
No I didn't spill, dad.
We are getting
major satellite interference
- for some reason.
- No, that's no satellite interference.
Wait, do you think that they...?
It's the cell phones.
They didn't turn off
their cell phones.
Everyone knows
that you put your phone
in airplane mode.
Don't be so fucking naive Penis.
My name is Penis.
It is a Celtic name.
God damn it,
what the hell is going on.
Hey you motherfuckers, turn off
your fucking cellphones.
Dad!
We're gonna live forever
Flying ain't so bad.
Hey, look at my little doggie.
- Aw.
- Isn't he cute?
- Yeah, he is.
- Yeehaw.
- Yeah, that's my baby.
- That's good.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- No. Um...
Who is that shirtless hunk?
I'm getting as far away
from that cheating prick
as possible, hence Australia.
Oh damn, my bad.
You know I know what it's
like to be cheated on.
Yeah this one time during
midterms this Asian girl
kept looking over
at all my answers.
Which I ironic you know
because she's Asian,
I should be cheating off of her.
But it... I see how
that's different now
that the words have come
out of my mouth.
What's your Instagram?
I don't have social media.
What do you mean
when you say that?
I mean like I'd rather just
be living my life instead of
- worrying if people are gonna like and comment on it.
- Wow.
- Are you with the #amegacon thing?
- No, no, kind of, no.
- Wow.
- No, no. I'm actually going to Australia
to visit my girlfriend
for the first time.
Your girlfriend's
a computer!
Fuck you, Lele.
Check out how pretty she is.
- Home screen.
- Whew! Home screen official.
Yeah, she's, she's gorgeous.
Hey, boys.
Oh my god. Oh!
I am so sorry. Oh jeez,
sorry, sorry about that okay.
Oh. Huh.
This would happen to me
on my first day.
Humph.
Attention, all
passengers. We have reached
our cruising altitude
of 38,000 feet,
it is now safe to
unfasten your seat belts.
Unfasten? You mean turn up?
Come here we go
Through the rhythm move
You ain't got a lot ass
You got a little bit though
Always ignore my phone
When I'm sick of a hoe
I take a white bitch
Back home when I'm alone
Sower's in the back seat
Louis riding shotgun
Girl on the rebound
I'm Dennis Rodman
These girls get mad
When they chasing me
True Hollywood story
Let's take some heat
Friends try to cock block
like Chris Hanson
Straight to the bathroom
I'm done dancing
Posers in the stall
'Cause I'm bring romance
I murder girls 69
Like Charles Manson
Bass getting louder
Sounds like a bullet
Nose full of powder
Mouth full of bullshit
Dick never prouder sly that
A girls fit tits falling out
Don't stop it's working
Undress us with your eyes
And you can't stop drooling
Keep it in your pants girl
Who are you fooling
But you may give you
A flight you'll never forget
You can't hear
my thoughts.
- Yes I can, Bruce.
- Stop it.
Oh score, oh my god,
alright, well.
Oh, hey, bulimic, get out of
there. that stuff costs money.
What... What am I...
I speak goat to,
you are a basic bitch.
What if I let you lick
one of my nipples?
I wouldn't fuck your brother
even if we was hot.
Okay, what about
if I told you I had a penis?
Here's the deal, you are
a skinny, ratchet ass,
basic bitch who goes
to Cancun for spring break
- and will put anything in her mouth, got it?
- What?
Take your brunette
extensions, your skinny,
weird, Selena Gomez
look alike bullshit,
- go get on your phone and go find a cock to suck.
- Well...
Shhh. You're a basic bitch,
get out of my liquor.
- Coffee, sir?
- Yes please.
Okay and how would you like it?
Like I like my women,
black and full of cream.
You kiss like my dad.
- Let's just pretend you didn't say that, okay?
- Okay.
There you go.
The fuck?
You're next.
Hey, guys just wanted
to let you know
I didn't see anything,
you're still going.
You're still going
at it. Okay, sorry.
I still didn't see anything.
Oh, ho-ho-ho. There you are.
Oh, you're an escape artist
just like your daddy.
Mm. Huh?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners,
you must be hungry comrade, huh?
You want some banana, huh?
You want a little banana?
Here you go.
Why don't you eat that,
there you go.
Why
don't you take that all?
Yeah that's what I thought,
that's what I thought.
You want some cheese, pal,
you got cheese in Russia?
Oh, you got a built in
cheese grater right there,
look at you, huh, look at you.
What does that
taste like, borsht?
What else? Oh, Choco-taco.
I hope you're not dairy
intolerant there, Ruski.
How's that? Oh yeah, oh yeah.
What the fuck you
looking at, Aladdin?
Nothing, what's your problem?
I got no problem,
I'm just racist.
I do respect queers though.
They've been through a lot.
Now you got that gay marriage.
Used to be what they'd do
is illegal.
Now they got shows about it.
- I binge watch.
- Okay, dude.
Is he still looking? Yeah.
And that's how I lost 15
percent of my right testicle.
Yup, a dwarf in a Godzilla
costume, can you imagine?
I don't have to imagine,
you just told me every last detail.
There's nothing more I could
possibly learn about your balls.
Oh you'd be surprised, they could do a
whole 60 minute special on my balls.
Does your Internet girlfriend know
about your deflated testicle?
It's not deflated and no,
we have not crossed
that bridge yet.
Alright, I'm sorry I got to ask,
how can you love someone
you never actually met?
- She makes me snort.
- What?
She's funny, she's got
a great sense of humor,
- I know it's cheesy but...
- Bro, I could make you snort in two seconds.
No you could not, okay.
It's practically impossible
to make me laugh.
It takes someone creative,
it takes someone original.
- Got to make a good joke to make me laugh.
- Argh!
- Aw. Does this mean that you love me?
- Ah...
By the way, thanks
for pepping me up earlier.
I know it may not have seemed
like much but it really helped.
Yeah, yeah, no problem Logan.
Alright, I am going to
try to get some sleep
and hopefully
not dream of dwarfzilla.
Or swollen balls.
- Yeah.
- Am I right?
Yeah, okay goodnight.
I'm gonna nominate your
shoulder as my pillow, okay.
Did you really just wipe
your snot on my shoulder?
No.
Is this shit?
Oh, okay, thank God.
Hey, I have noticed that
the seatbelt sign has been off
for the last several hours
and I just think that... Oh!
That is very unprofessional
and unsafe and Jesus Christ
are you gonna suck his dick
all the way to Australia?
Fuck it! I'll finish him off.
Oh my god!
We need your assistance
in the cockpit, sir.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Sir, we really need your
assistance in the cockpit.
You're crazy
if you think I'm gonna let
this soviet psychopath
sit back here alone.
Sir, with all due respect
this is more important.
Do you know what this
guy's capable of?
He is the reason you have
your privates scanned
at the airport, and I hate
having my privates scanned.
I had my dick lobbed off
by a pottery wheel.
Now my dick looks like the stump
at the end of the giving tree.
Oh.
If you so much as flinch
I will make you a member
of the dick stump club.
There are three of us.
We meet on Wednesdays.
Damn it.
- What the fuck is on his mouth?
- I just thought they were making oral love,
- I had no idea that they were...
- Oh you had no idea.
- You had no idea?
- No.
TAS article 1219 clearly states
- no pilot shall engage in dick suckery without a spotter.
- What?
- Dick suckery?
- How would I know that?
- Cause that's your job.
- It's not my job. - Is everything okay?
Hey, go back to your seat. ok?
Go back to your seat now
or I'm gonna tase
you till you shit.
What happened to the pilots?
Hey look, just be quiet, okay,
we don't want
the rest of the plane
to know the pilots are dead,
we're fucked.
Dead, the pilots are dead?
- Holy fucking shit.
- I came in here. And I found them like that and I was like,
"Oh my god what do I do",
and then I went and got him.
- And now it's...
- Alright listen. Shut up, shut up
both of you calm down,
okay? Listen to me.
- Hey over here, over here, over here.
- Ok, ok.
Listen to me, okay, I'm trained
for situations like this.
You go get me a car battery,
a tourniquet, and a bendy straw.
I'll have these zombie
pilots flying in no time.
Sir, we don't have
anymore bendy straws.
- Oh fuck!
- Fuck.
- Alright.
- We are so fucked.
I'm just gonna have
to land this plane myself.
- You can fly?
- There are two things in my life that I love.
Flying jets and pottery.
- I gave my dick for it.
- Oh.
I'm gonna land this plane
and we're gonna be just fine.
Argh!
Holy shit.
- Ahh.
- Hey boss had a bit of radio silence
from flight 1524
from Los Angeles.
Oi, well you know what they say,
"Silence is golden", huh,
especially from Los Angeles.
Bunch of fucking hippies.
Hipsters. What the fuck
is Coachella anyway?
Where's my baby?
Is that a baby? Is that a baby?
Oh shit.
Have you seen my baby?
A baby.
Hi baby.
Have you seen my baby?
Have you see my baby?
What did I find?
Aw, you look starving. Come on.
Sir, sir... hi, as much as
I love that Versace blouse
you are cannot breast feed
that baby right here.
Really?
Well I think I can breast feed
this random baby
wherever the fuck I want.
- No you can't. No you can't.
- Okay?
God gave me nipples
and I'll be damned
if I don't use them, okay?
Okay, well,
little science lesson,
men don't produce breast milk
incidentally so, ah.
Aw, oh, no.
It's a miracle.
Oh God, you're a squirter.
Yeah, yeah milk facial.
Who wants a milk mask?
I didn't, uh, sir
I didn't realize.
Wait, open your mouth
one more time. Ah.
Oh, oh, okay. Oh.
What's that?
That's not diet Coke, bitch.
A little in the mouth,
okay never mind thank you.
Idiot.
Hi, how are you?
This is my baby.
You want some milk?
I got two of these motherfuckers
right here.
Oh shit, I have a boner.
Oh no, no, no, no.
Oh no, no, no.
No, sir, please wake up
sir, please wake up sir.
Please wake up sir, oh God, sir!
Okay, okay.
Alright look.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Please wake up, please wake up,
please wake up, please wake up.
Oh God, no, no, no, no.
Okay, okay, sir, please wake up.
Please wake up, sir,
one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Please sir, please.
Fuck!
Some day all of this
will be yours.
- Juanpa.
- What do you want?
It's getting to the best part,
she's putting the tongue,
oh, look at it, oh yeah.
Damn it, Log,
what do you want bro?
Can get that crow
bar back?
Juanpa, we need to talk.
Now. Now!
Oh shit.
You taking a selfie?
Yeah it's lit. Argh!
Should we try CPR?
No man, I already tried that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So this means
you made out with a guy?
- Juanpa, this is not the time.
- Was it nice? Um...
- What?
- It must be nice.
- Dude, focus please.
- Yeah.
They're actually dead, bro.
Aw, nah, nah, nah.
What, what should we do?
I don't know.
Maybe someone else has a plan.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
that's a great idea, Log,
who should we get,
oh Brittany Furlan?
Who wants a body shot?
Or the guy who makes me
doubt my sexuality, huh?
Maybe King Bach,
he's your buddy right?
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Think straight.
You're right,
everyone will panic.
I need you to figure
this out, okay?
I need to put my seed into
a woman's vagina before I die.
Okay, you go do that,
you go do that,
because I'm probably
gonna crash this plane.
- Alright, one of us has to succeed, okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
- One of us will.
- One of us.
- Yeah.
Probably you.
Don't that feel
Real funky ya'll
Brittany, I want
to take a body shot.
Okay, come here, bitch.
Jenna?
Hey, Jenna?
- Hey.
- Oh, hey stranger, where you been?
Um... Can we talk for a second?
Are you seriously asking
if you can say something to me?
You're talking to me
while you're saying this.
So, so can we or...
Amber alert,
we've got a missing person
aisle in seat 2E, suspect,
looks like he's been crying.
I'm not crying.
Vitaly killed them and both
of the pilots are already dead
and I'm really scared right now,
'cause no one is flying
this plane right now Jenna
and I'm really scared and you're
the only person
I can trust to help.
Okay that's adorable
and a really good story
but we land in a few hours.
I'm gonna try to sleep - No, no.
- ...and you're gonna try to get your shit together.
- No, no, no.
Please, please, please, Jenna
please just follow me, okay?
You need to see this.
These pilots better be dead.
- Oh shit. I jinxed it.
- Yeah, I know right, what are the odds?
Hey, you wouldn't by chance know
how to drive a 767, would ya?
We're all gonna die!
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
Calm down, calm down.
Do you know how to drive a 767?
You unlucky bastard!
Okay.
Okay, breath Jenna
breath, breath, breath.
Okay, Namaste, Namaste.
Namaste, yeah, yeah,
that's right, that's good.
Okay, okay.
There's a murderer on this plane
and I'm gonna have
to die with this loser
and all his loser friends
but that's fine.
I know my god it's not fine,
I'm not even having a good hair day.
What about my open casket,
this plane will probably fuck my face up.
- Jenna, Jenna, Jenna, Jenna!
- I need my face, what!
We need to figure this out.
Now, for the last time,
do you know how to drive a 767?
- No, I don't know how to fly a 767.
- Come on.
So I'm just gonna
go back to my seat
and look at pictures
of my dog until we crash.
Until
we crash, we crash, we crash...
Hey buddy. I heard you took
quite the little crash.
Okay, let see what
the problem is.
You puked on my bones!
I'm so sorry, I don't
know what came over me.
Ew.
Are you okay?
What was that?
The flight attendants,
they'll know what to do.
Did you just fart?
But where did they go?
We got to find them.
Surprise.
What the hell is wrong with you?
What's wrong,
you don't like pranks?
We don't like what,
I couldn't understand you, what?
Amber alert, somebody's missing
a sense of humor
down in the luggage.
Amber Alert was my drag name.
Okay.
The flight attendants
are nowhere to be found
- but I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, right?
- How is it gonna be fine, Logan?
I don't know but they probably
figured out how to save the day.
We're in an emergency
right now, you can't,
you can't just sit there.
We need to do something.
Press this button and
the flight attendants will come.
Don't press the button,
that's not for emergencies,
- that's for fucking water.
- Please.
Wow, okay, at least have
the balls to do something.
Oh my god, I just
hit the jackpot.
How is this all free?
You're a mother.
- Oh, fuck.
- Give me these.
- Jesus.
- Damn, you have a baby.
You're supposed to have
seven of those but, you know.
Taking care of business.
You can do it,
Logan, you can do it.
If you won't do
it for her, do it for my virginity.
Use your wings
you big pussy, pussy...
What are you doing here?
I'm gonna drive this plane.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, do you
even know what you're doing?
No, but I'm a fast learner.
Great, well, I hope
that wasn't important.
Hey, hey check it out I think
I've figured out the radio.
Air traffic
control to flight 1524?
Air traffic control
to flight 1524?
Oh my god you're there, hello.
Aye, Benji here.
Been trying to talk
to you guys for ages.
Yeah Benji, we're here man.
I take it
you're not the pilots?
Uh, no, no,
my name is Logan Paul.
You're not a terrorist,
are you mate?
No, I'm
a social media sensation.
We're a bit full
of ourselves, aren't we, mate?
Why don't you stroke
the tip a bit more?
- What?
- What happened to the pilots, mate?
- They're dead.
- No worries, mate.
- What happened to the flight attendants?
- They're missing.
- Slight worry but don't worry, we'll take care of ya.
- Really?
Amber Alert, missing flight
attendants of flight 1524.
What was that? Aussie joke mate,
you wouldn't get
the reference. Okay.
It appears you guys
are a bit off course
so I'm gonna punch in
some new coordinates,
all you have to do
is engage the auto pilot
and the plane will
literally land itself.
Oh. That's great news, yeah.
You'll be a bloody hero, mate.
Yeah, yeah!
Now you've got to raise
the auto pilot lever
and engage the system.
Okay, what does it look like?
Big orange stick mate,
can't miss it.
Um, can you be a little
more specific?
It literally says autopilot
right on the thing there, mate.
Um.
Is that all it says?
Big orange lever,
center console, are you
bloody color blind?
It's the only thing
between you and certain death.
I broke it.
- I'm sorry what?
- I broke off the autopilot by accident.
Sir?
Sir, you there?
Crikey. It would appear there
are now a few more worries
than my original estimate
of no worries.
- How bad is it?
- You're fucked, mate.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
What do you mean I'm fucked?
That's a great question.
Well, you're
all types of fucked!
You're totally fucked,
you're completely fucked.
You're like a parrot
getting raped.
- You're fucked, I'm fucked.
- Yeah.
You're a little boy
in a windowless van,
you're fucked
and you're gonna die.
Speaking of which I don't
like talking to dead people,
it really bums me out
so I'm gonna cut out early
for lunch if no one minds
and, uh, grab a quick bite.
Right, feeling a bit peckish.
I mind, I definitely do mind.
Well, too bad you're going
to be dead soon, Benji out.
Alright, who wants tacos?
- What a dick.
- How could you break the autopilot?
It's not like
I did it on purpose.
Oh, oh you didn't
do it on purpose?
Well, that's great,
everything's just fine then,
right, 'cause Logan
didn't do it on purpose.
Give me this stupid thing.
No, no, no. Um, pay, pay no mind
to the sound of struggle.
We are fine and smooth as silk.
- Logan, they need to know.
- Jenna, no they don't.
I know you're probably terrified
right now and I am too,
but what you're doing
is not helping.
So just give me
the intercom, just hey.
Aw fuck, hey guys
if you look to your right
and also to your left
you will notice
the vast expanse of
the Pacific Ocean.
Oh, the ocean
that's so romantic.
Okay, take
your fucking shot, Juanpa.
Woohoo!
We have to do something.
Yeah, yeah I mean
it can be that hard, right?
We'll first we can move
these bodies I mean
they're really starting
to smell.
Yeah. Up we go.
Oh, I'm impressed.
Yeah, moving corpses is easy.
Oh no, just dry heaves.
- Okay.
- I won't throw up.
I'm sorry.
Nice.
Ew.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Have you seen my baby?
No?
Oh your breath stinks.
Have you seen my baby?
No.
Oh sir, have you seen my baby?
Your baby's missing?
Yeah.
I know your plight,
I'm a new mother myself.
I'll help you find him,
what does he look like?
Uh, he's a baby and he's white
and he's got little arms.
Is this your baby?
Hey.
Uh...
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Look lady, I'm not Dog
the fucking baby hunter.
Okay, this baby that
I found simply doesn't have
the wherewithal to raise itself
and that's where I come in.
That really looks...
Why you touch baby?
Who do you think you are?
Walking around drunk around
this plane losing babies.
You smell like
Jack Daniels's dick.
I'm so sorry.
You get the fuck out of our face
and you leave us alone.
Why do men hate me so much?
Because it's so easy.
Boo fucking hoo.
Do you know what would
be a hilarious prank?
If we poisoned every
passenger on this plane.
- No, no.
- Tell me where the emergency oxygen supply is.
Never.
- Never?
- Never.
- Never?
- Never.
- Never?
- No.
Tell me how I access the oxygen,
or I'll feed this dog cat food.
Never! God no!
Whoa!
The poor dog, no.
Good doggy.
That's not what he's
supposed to eat.
It's in the safety
glass by the door.
- Why did you tell him, bitch?
- It's by the door.
- You're going to pay for that.
- Thank you, thank you.
You're going
to pay for that.
Oh God, no.
One for me.
One for you.
What are you doing?
By the way it was dog food
the whole time.
What kind of a man feeds
a dog cat food?
How sick do you think I am?
It's just a prank.
You're probably not gonna
believe me when I tell you this
but you know most people
think I'm this huge slut.
But I've actually never
even been with a man before.
Really? Maybe I can
help you with that,
I've got some experience
in that arena.
Aren't you like 16?
Seventeen.
Oh sorry, 17, my god.
You're still illegal.
Hey, so what,
we're all gonna die.
- What?
- Okay, look my dick can't handle anymore.
The pilots are dead
and Logan's flying the plane.
- What?
- You're so cute, and funny, and Mexican.
That's not funny,
I, I took a picture.
- Who is flying the plane?
- Logan's flying the fucking plane, alright.
Listen, we've got nothing
else left to lose.
This is either the most
elaborate pick-up line
I've ever heard or we are
really all gonna die.
Either way you're fucked.
Good point.
Oh my god.
Fuck is going on
back there? Shit.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, how the fuck you sleeping through this?
Wake your ass up. I'm sure
we about too down in this bitch.
Wait, wait, I'm not on the pill.
Neither am I, neither am I.
Oh shit
Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah oh.
Oh, shit!
There's a solution
to any problem.
A wise woman once said,
"Shake it off..."
Simba!
Give this video a thumbs up!
Give me that selfie stick,
give me that selfie stick.
This is what panicking
looks like.
Yo, flight 1524 we are out here.
Your boy came back
like a movie star.
Follow me on Twitter at...
Fuck you Vitaly!
Brittany?
Brittany, Brittany, wake up.
Wake up, wake up.
You're being selfish
I need this.
I can tell you're breathing.
Are you there?
Leave Brittany alone.
Hey guys, Nick Bateman here.
Now, all my life
people would tell me
I'm really good looking.
That I turn straight guys gay,
lesbians straight.
Gay guys, gayer.
But you know what, there's more
to me than just a pretty face.
I'm also a junior pilot.
I don't know what's
going on back there
but I'm either gonna
save the day or die trying.
Fuck yeah man, fucking do it.
- Hooray!
- Hooray!
Yeah, let's do this,
let's do this!
Hey you, Yakuza.
Did you see anything, hum?
Jackie Chan?
Jackie, you, you see anything?
No? Shh.
Hello everybody,
it's the homosexual flight helper.
The cabin pressure
is still so low,
please put you oxygen
masks back on. Thank you.
Don't do it, Logan.
Vitaly kazed the oxygen supply.
Godspeed my little cream pie.
Jenna wait, don't put that on.
Why?
Something's wrong
with the oxygen.
How do you know?
I hear gay people.
I have to go find him.
Logan no. Please, don't.
Damn it.
Hey you.
Argh.
Ah, my dick.
My asshole, my asshole!
Argh!
I think it turned inside out!
Oh my god.
Nick!
Ah, great.
Not the vodka.
Ow!
Ow shit!
Holy shit,
what the hell are you doing?
Completing my master prank.
There's no social media
convention with all of you dead,
all of your followers
will be mine. Imagine the power.
Wait, you've been pranked.
- What are you talking about?
- It was just all a prank, bro.
Look closely, all these
people are acting, see?
Look at this guy.
Hello, I'm okay.
You have been pranked.
- Nick?
- See? Even that girls in on it.
Fuck you Vitaly!
Oh shit, I have a boner.
Argh! Wha... Wake up
you chiseled brute.
Oh, we are so fucking mcfucked.
This crazy Russian,
he's gonna crash the plane
and he threw out all
the parachutes except one.
Holy shit.
Is that dog eating cat food?
Logan, baby, it's dog
food in a cat food can.
Oh thank God.
With a hint of Nick Bateman.
It's just a prank, bro,
but I can assure you
your death will be very real.
Thanks for covering
my tracks, Logan Paul.
I owe you one.
No, no, no, no, no,
not the button, no, no that...
If I die I'm taking you
with me, you fuck.
Oh God I'm only 23, sort of.
I can't hold on anymore!
Tell my boyfriend Steve
to hide all the pornography.
Maverick, no, no, no!
Maverick!
That's my bird!
Oh God, thank you,
thank you, we're all together.
Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, hey.
Save
the day cum sponge.
Hey Bruce.
Any final advice on
how to land this plane?
If you can get to the cockpit,
engage the autopilot.
The plane will literally
land itself.
Okay. Erm...
Vitaly, where is Jenna?
Nice try, ha.
- Ah!
- Oh, shit, I am so sorry,
I thought I could
jump kick Vitaly
and save the day, it would
have been really cool.
Yeah, shut up and stop him!
Here.
- I hope you die!
- Argh!
This is just a flesh wound,
have a safe flight, captain.
- Oomph!
- Aww!
Oh shit.
You'll be missed.
Do you get it? The jet engine
turned him into mist.
Okay.
You got a plane to land.
I got this.
- I don't got this.
- Oh no, you do got this.
- I don't know if I got this.
- I mean if you don't got this, then who got this?
I guess I'm gonna
need to get this.
Oh this best going
to get got then.
It will, it's best gone got and
there ain't nobody better to go
- and get this than get me.
- You got to get it while the goings good.
Oh the goings good and I'm at
get it while the getting's good.
- You got to get it.
- I'm gonna get it.
What the fuck are you
people talking about?
- Get out there, come on.
- I'm a get it.
You're gonna get it.
Okay.
You can
do it, Logan, you can do it.
You're not supposed
to look down, just do it.
It's gonna go on YouTube.
YouTube, YouTube...
You two, you two, you two
need to land this fucking plane.
I did not get laid Logan!
- Jenna, do you have service yet?
- Er... Yeah. Yeah, yeah here.
Oh, well, this is great service.
Go on get the last
scoop out of the carton.
With the squatty potty you
get complete elimination.
- Skip the ad.
- I can't, it won't let me.
Yes, it will give you the best
poop of your life, guaranteed.
Argh! If I die
because of this shit!
Umm. They're good at pooping.
Hey guys, it Connor
and today I'm gonna
be teaching you
how to land a passenger jet.
Flying is easy
and with the right education
and guidelines almost anyone
can learn the secrets of flight.
- Amazing. Ok.
- It's easy.
All you have to do
is pay attention...
Nobody will watch
your stupid videos.
Leave me alone, Becky.
Fuck you, Becky!
I'm telling mom about
your abortion.
Fuck you.
Cool, okay, here are the basics.
This is the yoke, it's
like the steering wheel
but here's the thing
you need to know,
the controls are inverted
so, up is down, and down is up.
Oh.
This knob controls
the flaps.
The flaps give
the plane lift and drag.
When landing you want
the flaps fully extended.
Remember, were going
for maximum air resistance.
- Turn the knob.
- Okay, okay.
The most important part of
landing is of course the...
Connor, your sister said you're
looking at anime porn again.
- She's lying.
- That's gross.
- God damn it, Connor!
- Fuck you, Becky!
When you get your own house
you can masturbate then.
- Okay, let's just skip ahead here.
- Yeah, skip that.
Once you've done that it's
time to engage the auto pilot,
the plane with literally land
itself, how cool is that?
It's okay.
No, my phone.
Okay.
Hey what's that? What is...?
By the grace
of Steve Irwin
you're still
magically on course.
- Way to go, mate.
- Benji, is that you?
Sure is, mate,
and by the look of it
you're still not out
of the woods yet.
- What?
- You're still quite fucked.
- How fucked?
- Mate, you're missing an engine, you're running out of fuel,
and you're dropping like
a dead albatross with diabetes.
Now normally I'd say
check the cross winds,
20 knots from the southeast
but I'd bet my last dollar I do
you don't understand
a word of that.
Yeah no shit I don't, Benji.
Just try to land on the white
line, fly straight and pray
you don't explode
on contact. And Logan.
- What?
- You owe me a dollar you do.
- I fucking hate you Benji!
- Hey lose the tude, mate.
Benji, I swear to God
if I survive this I'm...
Oi, wait a second,
would you look at that?
That koala looks like
Hugh Jackman.
I got to go bag me that koala.
Man the fort, Hansen.
Fuck the baby, I don't
want to die.
Aw! What...
- What the fuck?
- Get this fucking monkey off me.
Don't touch her.
Oh my god, Logan, Logan.
- Logan, we landed.
- What?
- We landed.
- Oh shit, oh my god.
We did it.
Oh, wait we're not stopping,
why aren't we stopping?
All you have to do.
Connor!
Okay, once you've landed
you're gonna want to hit
the breaks with both feet.
Brakes.
Thanks for watching and
don't forget to subscribe.
Oh my god, you did it.
No Jenna, we did it.
Please don't ruin the moment
with your cheesy bullshit.
We should probably
get off this thing.
Following a hijacking
and an engine failure
on board flight 1524
an incredible chain of events
has led to the rescue...
Fuck her right in the pussy.
Awesome!
Aye, mate.
Benji?
You're actually alive.
I owe you a dollar I do.
Don't worry about that.
Genuinely surprised
to see you alive.
Took a lot of guts
to do what you did today.
Hey buddy.
Hey man.
So?
- I failed, Log, I failed.
- Aw.
- Oh, come on.
- I guess blue balls is real.
It hurts, it hurts man.
No, eh, eh, don't say that man.
- You're still alive.
- I guess.
Your foreign exchange brother
is still a virgin.
No man, my brother
is still a virgin.
Such a tender moment.
Hey.
Hey.
Eugene, is that really you?
It's been 70 years.
The last orgasm I had
was in Normandy in your mouth.
Consider it VD day.
Bombs away.
Uh...
So Australia's pretty nice huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Er...
- Does it like hurt? Aw.
- Ow, ow, no I'm fine.
- Okay.
- I got a bandage.
- You did good driving that plane.
- Thanks.
Couldn't have done it
without my co-pilot.
What did I tell you
about being cheesy?
- To not be cheesy.
- Yeah, definitely stop.
So I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him.
Aw!
I think it safe to say
that your baby's gone.
Have you considered
adoption maybe?
I mean no, I, I thought I'd find
him on the plane, you know?
Right. That's horrible.
Well, here's some good news.
When that plane was going down
and I thought we were all dead,
I had one split second to
ejaculate into this Tupperware
so I could let my seed live on.
I made this out of my penis.
Put it in your vagina,
make a new baby.
Oh my god,
this is the nicest thing
any man's ever done for me.
It's pretty great.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
But it still doesn't
bring my baby back.
What your old baby?
- Yeah.
- This is a brand new baby.
You ungrateful bitch.
Give me my seed back
you don't deserve it.
You do not deserve...
No I'm sorry, spit it out, spit
it out put it back in my vagina.
- Too late! It's too late!
- I'm sorry!
You've wasted my seed!
No, I'm sorry, put it back
in my vagina please.
Please, please.
It's going back into my penis,
I can feel it.
I have nothing else to live for.
I'm getting hard!
I guess this is goodbye.
Yup, I hope everything works
out with your girlfriend.
That was really brave.
- Come here.
- Bye.
Thank you so much,
I woke up on the toilet.
Jenna wait.
Thank you so much.
I don't even know you people.
- I'm your brother.
- I know you.
Okay, here we go.
You're excited?
- Yeah.
- This is it, right?
This is it. This is it.
Are you sure about this?
I've never been so sure
about anything in my life.
Logan!
Eh, yeah, it's me.
Er, I'm Logan.
Wait, you're not Logan.
- You sound different.
- Yeah.
I'm his foreign
exchange brother Juanpa.
- Mexico.
- So?
And I have an accent.
What? No, no, I can't
understand you though.
Can you say that again?
One more time, just,
just say it one more time.
Okay, okay, don't say
anything cheesy.
Jenna? It took me traveling half
way around the world to realize
- that I love you.
- I'm sorry your accent is just gnarly,
can you please just
repeat yourself?
Okay, uh, I guess you worked out
everything with your boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, the guac is extra,
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Who was
that guy, he's fucking hot.
You're gay,
you're a gay man, yeah!
Oh my god, so are you.
- No, no, I'm, I'm here for her, so.
- Logan?
But, but, but just one kiss,
that's all I ask.
Okay, fine,
but then you have to leave.
Now get out.
Wait, how did you
hear my thoughts?
Whoa yeah, I guess I always
thought you were a little bit...
- Yeah, take it off.
- Yeah.
- Hurry up.
- I will, I will.
Oh yeah. I'm going there.
- Oh yeah.
- Hurry up.
- Why can't you get it off?
- Yeah, yeah I got it.
- Is... er... aw... Wait, stop.
- Trying.
- Is this the right hole?
- No, no,
- no, no.
- No, no? Yes?
- No? Okay, yeah.
- There it is, yeah.
- Yeah, no, this one?
- Yeah, right there.
Okay, okay, okay.
Juanpa, Juanpa.
Oh, oh this feels amazing.
- I love your accent.
- I love your accent.
Talk dirty to me in Mexican.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait I, I have to know.
What happened, like,
did she have a penis?
What the fuck?
Daddy, I thought you were gone.
Oh my god, your dad is black.
I mean that's, that's cool, he's black.
I can't stop, I can't stop.
Daddy you have...
- Your dad's black.
- I'm adopted.
Oh my god, I'm adopted too,
we have so much in common.
Swear I'm gonna kill
your dumb ass.
I love you, Juanpa.
It's pronounced Juanpa.
I'm whooping your ass.
Run Juanpa, run.
Daddy stop, run, go, go.
Get it off, please!
I love you, Juanpa.
- I love you my awesome princess.
- You're just like your mother.
- I love you so much.
- Put some clothes on.
- I have clothes on.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
I'm gonna cut your dick off
and feed it to the drop bears.
Motherfucker
I'm going to kill you.
- Daddy, stop it.
- Get back here.
Run, Juanpa run!
Well not bad.
Jungle life
I'm living in the open
Native beat that carries on
Burning bright
A fire that blows the...
Hey Mr. Kangaroo,
I just had sex,
go tell all your kangaroo
friends I just had sex.
Come on give me a fist bump.
Alright, let's go,
let's go man, let's celebrate.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Today we're gonna learn
how to make a hang glider
out of cardboard,
duct tape, and a chin up bar...
No one's gonna watch
your stupid videos, Connor.
Logan Paul!
You're a fucking hero, Connor.
- Logan, I love you.
- Shut up, Becky!
- Let's make that hang glider, buddy.
- Yeah!
Argh! My femurs.
Aw! I can see my bones!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Night tonight
Give me the other
Give me the other
Chance tonight
Give me the other
Give me the other
Night to night
Give me the other
Give me the other world!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Ow!
Bitch, you saved my life.
gentlemen I'd like to direct
your attention to the screen
in front of you.
We'll be showing a brief
safety demonstration.
While boarding the flight
please keep the aisle clear
- and find your designated seat.
- Argh!
In the event of a water landing
Chloe Bridges lips
can be used as
a flotation device.
Please enjoy one
complementary drink.
Please store
your carry on in one of
the overhead compartments.
If you need to flee the aircraft
beware of sharp objects
as they can puncture
the evacuation slide.
We ask that all seat
backs and titty tassels
are in their full
upright positions.
If you have to smoke,
please disable the lavatory smoke detectors
so as not to wake
the other passengers.
The flight attendants will now
demonstrate proper safety procedures.
Pull the cord
to inflate the safety chest.
As a reminder racial profiling
is strictly tolerated,
please report
any suspicious ethnicity.
If you do not have a selfie stick,
one will be provided for you.
Please keep your seat belts
fastened at all times
as we may experience
unexpected flatulence.
As a reminder there is no
crying allowed on this flight,
please silence your baby at this time or it
will be checked to your final destination.
Thank you for choosing
Koalair, koality you can trust.
At this time your portable
electronic devices must be set...
...to airplane mode.
You're on
the other side of the world,
how can we possibly
make this work?
Let's just make things simple
like when we first met
on Chatroulette.
When we first connected,
fell in love,
and the sparks flew
when I asked you those deep,
personal questions like,
what were those? Oh yeah,
- age, sex, location?
- Yeah.
Hey Logan, I'm ready to take
this to the next level.
Oh yes, here we go.
Come on, old friend.
Who are you talking to?
Just a second freshening up.
Okay, okay, babe, now
these are for your eyes only.
Yeah, don't worry babe,
it's just me.
Do you have any almond milk?
Uh... you were jerking off.
Come on man! You shouldn't just
burst into people's rooms like that.
And you shouldn't be jerking
off in the middle of the day
with your door unlocked
and all your friends downstairs.
Now, do you have
almond milk or not?
Come on man, it's next
to my socks, you know that.
Yo we're drinking up.
Sorry about that babe.
Okay.
- Who was that?
- Oh.
That would be Juanpa,
my foreign exchange brother
who's overstayed
his welcome by a decade!
What about your real
brother, Jake?
Oh.
Disney got him. Okay.
- Argh. The moment's ruined babe, don't you think?
- No, no babe, um...
Okay, just, okay... How about
this? Take a deep breath.
Asasasa!
Okay close your eyes, close your
eyes, that's right okay. Now...
Imagine our second date, remember all
the sexy shit I was typing to you?
I sent you that sexy
picture with the pineapple
over my penis and I blamed it
on auto correct.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't auto correct.
- I said it.
- Okay, okay.
My turn, imagine
we're together... alone.
I'm standing right next to you.
you can feel my body on yours
- and I whisper in your ear...
- Smile, you're on camera!
Lele,
what the actual fuck?
This is gonna be the best video ever!
Delete that now!
No, it's gonna get
a million likes.
It's not all about likes
you know.
What, are you fucking stupid?
Delete, delete,
delete it, Lele, delete it!
Logan, are you all right?
Suck it, bitch!
- Delete.
- I hate you!
- I hate you.
- You're girlfriend's a computer!
Jesus.
Oh my god.
Thanks buddy.
Sorry about that, babe.
Oh man can't get
any privacy around here.
- Okay.
- Hey Logan, you seen the email?
What! Ow! Ah!
- I'll talk to you later, Logan.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck, man.
I was getting somewhere.
Bro what are you... what are you in
here doing man, I worry about you.
That's not your girlfriend,
she's not a real girlfriend,
she's a computer girlfriend.
Huge difference,
real girlfriend, ump-ump
computer girlfriend, eh-eh-eh,
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
- And I hate to break it down
but your girlfriend
probably got a dick.
This convention is gonna
be the fucking tits!
What convention?
You didn't hear about #acon?
Bro it's the biggest social
media convention ever.
Yeah man, #acon.
Everyone's gonna be there.
It's gonna be awesome.
How do you not know about this?
Okay, uh, seriously,
what is #acon?
Who the hell cares,
people get laid at conventions.
- Yeah they do.
- Okay.
- Really?
- Huh.
- Is that like a thing?
- Is that what, was that English?
Like a thing,
sorry, I was born in Mexico.
Yeah, that's literally why they
invented conventions, so you can fuck.
It's like the only place you can cheat
on your wife and get a free gift basket.
The gift baskets,
uh, but the cheating.
- So this means...
- You can have sex finally.
Ooh.
No more virginity!
- Yeah Juanpa.
- I'm not gonna be a virgin, Logan!
Let's do it!
We're all gonna be on
the same fucking flight.
- Are you ready, man?
- What, no, no, no. What...
We...
Do we have to fly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah Logan, yeah.
Uh, then I can't go.
No Logan, por favor not again.
Why can't you fly Logan?
You can
do it, Logan, you can do it!
It's gonna go on YouTube.
I don't know,
looks pretty high from up here.
You're wearing a helmet,
use your wings, you big pussy.
Alright, here it goes.
My foreign exchange brother
Logan is going to fly.
Oh shit!
Logan!
- How bad is it?
- You broke your femurs.
That's how I got these.
- Whoa.
- That's the dumbest story I've ever heard.
You ain't the fucking Wright
Brothers motherfucker, alright?
And pull your pants up,
the scars bring out the bitch in you.
You a nasty bitch,
you a nasty bitch.
Come on stop,
stop, guys, stop.
Guys, I'm not going and stop
jumping, we have termites!
Shut the fuck up
and jump with us!
The termites!
Termites?
Fuck the shitty termites.
Ain't anybody worried
about no goddamn termites.
Seriously, everyone needs
to stop jumping now!
Yo, stop being
a biggity bitch okay?
- Sorry.
- Ain't no termites gonna chew through
this floor on my watch,
I ain't gonna let it happen.
And second off you ain't
gonna tell a black man
that he can't jump,
I know my rights motherfucker
and I'm gonna jump.
I'm gonna jump!
I'm gonna jump.
- What the fuck?
- You guys good?
- What happened?
- My dick.
How did you land like that?
It's time to get over
your fear of flying, man.
If you won't do it for her,
do it for my virginity.
Please. Por favor.
Not gonna happen buddy, sorry.
Oh, it just would have been fun
to tear up Australia with you.
- Australia?
- Yeah, but it's fine,
I'll just call a hooker
she can do the job.
- It's in Australia?
- Yeah, bro, Australia.
Imagine all the stuff
we can do there, man,
- kangaroos, wallaby's, shrimp on the barbie.
- Shrimp on the barbie.
Marsupials, motherfucker,
dingo's eating babies,
and you get to see the girl
who lives in your computer.
Real titties, soft nipples, uh?
Hey, you talking about
computer titties in there?
Hey, let
me tell you something about
these Australian hoes.
They're crazy,
they're like boomerangs.
You throw them away
they come right back
and suck your dick, mate.
"Hey, can I suck your
dick, mate?" I'm like,
"Yeah, you can do it.
Now put your back into it".
- Alright.
- Uh-huh.
I know I'm gonna regret this.
But let's do it!
Oh, sh... Okay.
Ah! That's amazing, babe,
you're gonna love it here, I promise.
I dunno I heard actually
it's pretty gnarly.
- What do you mean?
- Like deadly spiders, and snakes and shit.
Oh yeah, we've got
a lot of spiders.
- But they're not like everywhere, right?
- Yeah, look it.
Holy shi...
This is my spider stick.
You're so brave for coming
to Australia, Logan,
- I can't believe you're coming.
- I am absolutely terrified but I'm coming.
Crikey, I have to go, bye.
Okay.
Time to say goodbye, old friend.
One more time
for old time's sake.
No. You're making this
harder than it has to be.
That's what I was hoping for.
- Fine, but don't tell Ariel.
- I never would.
- Thanks.
- That bitch is gonna die.
- What?
- I mean... Uh... I was made to fly.
Anyways, er,
rub me on your cock.
- What?
- Did I stutter?
- No.
- Then fucking rub me on your fucking cock!
Wee!
Super
psychedelic stuff from Stones
and the groovy A-M-V-N.
The moment...
You boys want some water?
- No, thanks man.
- Nah, we good fam.
Appreciate you.
- Then maybe some cocaine?
- Sure.
What?
Juanpa what the f... What the fuck?
I mean he's offering.
Shut, shut the fuck up.
- You're not doing cocaine on the way to the airport.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Holy shit. Yo,
Vitaly's on our flight.
Apparently he's gonna
Australia to stand trial.
Wait.
Why is Vitaly going to stand trial?
Look if you weren't
so knee deep in
computer pussy you'd
know what's going on.
I'll take it
from here, blind side.
Welcome to hell.
Augh! Two for flinching.
- Bye mom.
- Bye.
- Bye dad.
- Bye.
Have a great time.
- I'm gonna miss you, Mom.
- I'm gonna miss you.
Now that's
a close family.
Must be European.
Must be nice.
Must be down to fuck.
Hey, ya'll wanna
adopt a black man?
I'm gonna go shove
this weed in my ass.
I got to check in
with immigration.
- You good?
- Not really.
Hide your knives,
hide your drugs,
and hide your liquors
'cause we searching everybody around here.
Step out.
- Do you possess any explosives?
- Nope just this bomb ass pussy.
- How you going, buddy? That's adorable that bag.
- Here you go.
Thank you,
it's actually brand new.
- I just got it from the store.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Cool story man.
Be, be...
Come on man, what the fuck?
Next.
- What was that?
- Here you go.
Whoa.
My uterus.
- Hey where's Juanpa?
- Immigration.
Deported.
Hey, how are ya? Deported.
Oh sweet Jesus,
definitely deported.
Well, hello young man,
are you a citizen
- of these United States of America?
- Si.
- I smell bullshit, deported.
- No! Ow! Wait, look,
I wanna have sex,
just send me to Australia.
- That can be arranged.
- Ah, thank you, sir.
Whoa. Benny?
Oh my god, long time no see.
Um. Is...
he's supposed to be sleeping?
Chill, Logan.
Bag check.
What, why?
- Sir.
- I just have a laptop.
You've been randomly selected
by our advanced safety algorithm
for an extensive anal
cavity search.
I got 911 reasons not
to trust this guy.
Whoa. You know you have
to ex-ray that bird.
Well, he's, er,
like a lapdog, he can't fly.
I don't know
if that bird is a terrorist.
Check the damn bird. Thank you.
Sir, the bird, it's over
three fluid ounces,
you're gonna have to check it.
- Come on, he's got scoliosis.
- Hum.
Ma'am no twerking in my machine.
- I wasn't twerking.
- I'm just making sure.
No, you can't make me!
You can't make me!
No, no, no, no!
Ow, ow!
Okay, okay.
I'm scared.
Wait guys, wait for me.
Wait, stop, hey!
Wait.
As passengers in the emergency
row are you willing
and capable to assist
in the event of an emergency?
Alright, good enough.
No, no I'm fucking not!
Well, luckily for you
the passenger in 2E
just passed away so I can upgrade
you to first class if you like.
- Passed away?
- Mm hm.
What do you mean passed away?
One for you, there you are.
Yeah, mm-hum, hi there you go.
Alright,
there you are, sir.
Hey, Juanpa you made it.
They searched my cavities man.
I've never been to a dentist
like this before.
Alright,
move it along, here we go.
Keep going, all the way back.
Frosty, uh,
my last taste of America.
Ah, shit.
Ew.
Auto correct.
- Are you looking at naked pictures on your phone?
- No.
Yeah, yeah you were.
No, I... I mean, yeah I was
but it's my mom.
You're staring at a naked
photo of your mom?
- No! Yes. Look I... I mean...
- Oh my gosh.
- Ugh.
- Technically yes, it was my mom, technically
yes she was naked
but it's not like...
I don't think we've met,
hi, I'm Logan.
- Jenna.
- Hi Logan, I'm Jenna.
- What?
- Okay, well, I'm...
- I think we got off on the wrong foot.
- Cool.
Really looking forward
to the next 17 hours of this.
Yeah, me to.
- Let me just move in.
- If that helps.
Welcome aboard Koalair flight
1524 to Sidney, Australia.
- Koality you can trust.
- Trust.
This is your captain
Trussell with co-pilot Penis.
First of all
it's pronounced Penis,
I come from a proud
Celtic heritage.
- I'd like to thank you for choosing Koalair.
- Shut up.
We know you have many
choices in air travel
and we are always surprised
when you choose us.
- Argh.
- I think that went pretty well.
That was killer
annunciation bro.
You know I've been taking
this new speech therapy class
and I think my lisp is gone.
I can
barley notice it.
You're so handsome,
you look just like your daddy.
Even though he ran off
with that cheating whore
but your so cute, yes you are.
We're gonna find
you a new daddy.
Yes we are, with way more money.
So, er, you gonna
the social media convention?
- Oh, no, I'm visiting my sweetheart from the war.
- Oh.
He's on his deathbed
- and I promised him...
- Oh I'm sorry.
one more ride on
the merry go around.
Ah, cool.
Oh, by the way I don't
mean to scare you
but I sleep with my eyes open.
- Hello? Uh...
- Oh.
- Oh. Oh boy.
- Lick your lips.
- Oh!
- Uh-oh.
- Mwah.
- Whoa. Fucking A.
And I was left with...
these bad boys. Yeah.
Oh my god.
You probably think
I'm an idiot, huh?
Check this out.
Oh my god!
You have femur scars.
- Matching femur scars.
- Oh yeah, we have matching femur scars.
- This is weird, this is weird.
- It is weird,
most people don't even know what a femur is.
How do we...? Ah.
- Keep it down up there.
- It's fine.
How did you get yours?
Not to freak you out
but plane crash.
Like a... Like the fucking...
Uh...
What the fuck?
God, what the fuck.
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
no one survives those, no.
- I like to play out in your head though. That was funny.
- Okay.
Aah.
- No.
- You got me good, you got me good.
You have a weird sense of humor.
But I like it.
- But how'd that happen actually?
- Ah. Drug deal went south,
they brought hammers, so.
Y... What kind of drugs?
Whoa look at all this leg room.
It's crazy.
I can't even reach
my tray table.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, fucking stop having fun!
Look at you, my
little fluffy haired cum scarf.
- Oh.
- Am I following along at the right place?
That seat back
isn't gonna be the only thing
in the upright position.
- I dunno.
- I'm gonna break you in
like a new pair of sneakers,
Vans, damn Daniel.
I'm gonna ride you
like a pogo stick
and fill you up like
you forgot to say when.
I'm gonna fist you at the Four
Seasons pool in broad daylight.
I'll stretch your tight
little ass like goatskin drum.
I can hear you.
Mmm.
Aww.
Oh, whoa, stop, stop.
Hey, you can do this.
Don't be
a little bitch, alright?
Please turn your cellular
and electronic devices
to airplane setting.
Hey fuck that.
I'd rather die than turn my shit off.
- I'm ready to die so you kill me motherfucker.
- We want full cell service!
Say what you want fools
That's right fools
I'd call you out
But it's not news
The world knows it
Your girl knows it
You not one of them
Tight dudes
We watch you
We know the type
Loud mouth like a motor bike
I don't know why
We let you live
Chalk it up to an over sight
A real man makes up his mind
Don't cry about it
He'll laugh about it
Real men live forever
Aw shit, we're going
the wrong way.
Oh my goodness, I believe
we are going
in the wrong direction.
We got to flip a bitch.
We will now flip a bitch.
The aviation term
for turning the plane around.
Coming about!
It's a video, got your dumb ass.
I fly all the time.
I can't talk right now mom,
I'm on a fucking plane!
- What the hell is going on?
- Aw.
What... Did you spill
on the console again?
No I didn't spill, dad.
We are getting
major satellite interference
- for some reason.
- No, that's no satellite interference.
Wait, do you think that they...?
It's the cell phones.
They didn't turn off
their cell phones.
Everyone knows
that you put your phone
in airplane mode.
Don't be so fucking naive Penis.
My name is Penis.
It is a Celtic name.
God damn it,
what the hell is going on.
Hey you motherfuckers, turn off
your fucking cellphones.
Dad!
We're gonna live forever
Flying ain't so bad.
Hey, look at my little doggie.
- Aw.
- Isn't he cute?
- Yeah, he is.
- Yeehaw.
- Yeah, that's my baby.
- That's good.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- No. Um...
Who is that shirtless hunk?
I'm getting as far away
from that cheating prick
as possible, hence Australia.
Oh damn, my bad.
You know I know what it's
like to be cheated on.
Yeah this one time during
midterms this Asian girl
kept looking over
at all my answers.
Which I ironic you know
because she's Asian,
I should be cheating off of her.
But it... I see how
that's different now
that the words have come
out of my mouth.
What's your Instagram?
I don't have social media.
What do you mean
when you say that?
I mean like I'd rather just
be living my life instead of
- worrying if people are gonna like and comment on it.
- Wow.
- Are you with the #amegacon thing?
- No, no, kind of, no.
- Wow.
- No, no. I'm actually going to Australia
to visit my girlfriend
for the first time.
Your girlfriend's
a computer!
Fuck you, Lele.
Check out how pretty she is.
- Home screen.
- Whew! Home screen official.
Yeah, she's, she's gorgeous.
Hey, boys.
Oh my god. Oh!
I am so sorry. Oh jeez,
sorry, sorry about that okay.
Oh. Huh.
This would happen to me
on my first day.
Humph.
Attention, all
passengers. We have reached
our cruising altitude
of 38,000 feet,
it is now safe to
unfasten your seat belts.
Unfasten? You mean turn up?
Come here we go
Through the rhythm move
You ain't got a lot ass
You got a little bit though
Always ignore my phone
When I'm sick of a hoe
I take a white bitch
Back home when I'm alone
Sower's in the back seat
Louis riding shotgun
Girl on the rebound
I'm Dennis Rodman
These girls get mad
When they chasing me
True Hollywood story
Let's take some heat
Friends try to cock block
like Chris Hanson
Straight to the bathroom
I'm done dancing
Posers in the stall
'Cause I'm bring romance
I murder girls 69
Like Charles Manson
Bass getting louder
Sounds like a bullet
Nose full of powder
Mouth full of bullshit
Dick never prouder sly that
A girls fit tits falling out
Don't stop it's working
Undress us with your eyes
And you can't stop drooling
Keep it in your pants girl
Who are you fooling
But you may give you
A flight you'll never forget
You can't hear
my thoughts.
- Yes I can, Bruce.
- Stop it.
Oh score, oh my god,
alright, well.
Oh, hey, bulimic, get out of
there. that stuff costs money.
What... What am I...
I speak goat to,
you are a basic bitch.
What if I let you lick
one of my nipples?
I wouldn't fuck your brother
even if we was hot.
Okay, what about
if I told you I had a penis?
Here's the deal, you are
a skinny, ratchet ass,
basic bitch who goes
to Cancun for spring break
- and will put anything in her mouth, got it?
- What?
Take your brunette
extensions, your skinny,
weird, Selena Gomez
look alike bullshit,
- go get on your phone and go find a cock to suck.
- Well...
Shhh. You're a basic bitch,
get out of my liquor.
- Coffee, sir?
- Yes please.
Okay and how would you like it?
Like I like my women,
black and full of cream.
You kiss like my dad.
- Let's just pretend you didn't say that, okay?
- Okay.
There you go.
The fuck?
You're next.
Hey, guys just wanted
to let you know
I didn't see anything,
you're still going.
You're still going
at it. Okay, sorry.
I still didn't see anything.
Oh, ho-ho-ho. There you are.
Oh, you're an escape artist
just like your daddy.
Mm. Huh?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners,
you must be hungry comrade, huh?
You want some banana, huh?
You want a little banana?
Here you go.
Why don't you eat that,
there you go.
Why
don't you take that all?
Yeah that's what I thought,
that's what I thought.
You want some cheese, pal,
you got cheese in Russia?
Oh, you got a built in
cheese grater right there,
look at you, huh, look at you.
What does that
taste like, borsht?
What else? Oh, Choco-taco.
I hope you're not dairy
intolerant there, Ruski.
How's that? Oh yeah, oh yeah.
What the fuck you
looking at, Aladdin?
Nothing, what's your problem?
I got no problem,
I'm just racist.
I do respect queers though.
They've been through a lot.
Now you got that gay marriage.
Used to be what they'd do
is illegal.
Now they got shows about it.
- I binge watch.
- Okay, dude.
Is he still looking? Yeah.
And that's how I lost 15
percent of my right testicle.
Yup, a dwarf in a Godzilla
costume, can you imagine?
I don't have to imagine,
you just told me every last detail.
There's nothing more I could
possibly learn about your balls.
Oh you'd be surprised, they could do a
whole 60 minute special on my balls.
Does your Internet girlfriend know
about your deflated testicle?
It's not deflated and no,
we have not crossed
that bridge yet.
Alright, I'm sorry I got to ask,
how can you love someone
you never actually met?
- She makes me snort.
- What?
She's funny, she's got
a great sense of humor,
- I know it's cheesy but...
- Bro, I could make you snort in two seconds.
No you could not, okay.
It's practically impossible
to make me laugh.
It takes someone creative,
it takes someone original.
- Got to make a good joke to make me laugh.
- Argh!
- Aw. Does this mean that you love me?
- Ah...
By the way, thanks
for pepping me up earlier.
I know it may not have seemed
like much but it really helped.
Yeah, yeah, no problem Logan.
Alright, I am going to
try to get some sleep
and hopefully
not dream of dwarfzilla.
Or swollen balls.
- Yeah.
- Am I right?
Yeah, okay goodnight.
I'm gonna nominate your
shoulder as my pillow, okay.
Did you really just wipe
your snot on my shoulder?
No.
Is this shit?
Oh, okay, thank God.
Hey, I have noticed that
the seatbelt sign has been off
for the last several hours
and I just think that... Oh!
That is very unprofessional
and unsafe and Jesus Christ
are you gonna suck his dick
all the way to Australia?
Fuck it! I'll finish him off.
Oh my god!
We need your assistance
in the cockpit, sir.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Sir, we really need your
assistance in the cockpit.
You're crazy
if you think I'm gonna let
this soviet psychopath
sit back here alone.
Sir, with all due respect
this is more important.
Do you know what this
guy's capable of?
He is the reason you have
your privates scanned
at the airport, and I hate
having my privates scanned.
I had my dick lobbed off
by a pottery wheel.
Now my dick looks like the stump
at the end of the giving tree.
Oh.
If you so much as flinch
I will make you a member
of the dick stump club.
There are three of us.
We meet on Wednesdays.
Damn it.
- What the fuck is on his mouth?
- I just thought they were making oral love,
- I had no idea that they were...
- Oh you had no idea.
- You had no idea?
- No.
TAS article 1219 clearly states
- no pilot shall engage in dick suckery without a spotter.
- What?
- Dick suckery?
- How would I know that?
- Cause that's your job.
- It's not my job. - Is everything okay?
Hey, go back to your seat. ok?
Go back to your seat now
or I'm gonna tase
you till you shit.
What happened to the pilots?
Hey look, just be quiet, okay,
we don't want
the rest of the plane
to know the pilots are dead,
we're fucked.
Dead, the pilots are dead?
- Holy fucking shit.
- I came in here. And I found them like that and I was like,
"Oh my god what do I do",
and then I went and got him.
- And now it's...
- Alright listen. Shut up, shut up
both of you calm down,
okay? Listen to me.
- Hey over here, over here, over here.
- Ok, ok.
Listen to me, okay, I'm trained
for situations like this.
You go get me a car battery,
a tourniquet, and a bendy straw.
I'll have these zombie
pilots flying in no time.
Sir, we don't have
anymore bendy straws.
- Oh fuck!
- Fuck.
- Alright.
- We are so fucked.
I'm just gonna have
to land this plane myself.
- You can fly?
- There are two things in my life that I love.
Flying jets and pottery.
- I gave my dick for it.
- Oh.
I'm gonna land this plane
and we're gonna be just fine.
Argh!
Holy shit.
- Ahh.
- Hey boss had a bit of radio silence
from flight 1524
from Los Angeles.
Oi, well you know what they say,
"Silence is golden", huh,
especially from Los Angeles.
Bunch of fucking hippies.
Hipsters. What the fuck
is Coachella anyway?
Where's my baby?
Is that a baby? Is that a baby?
Oh shit.
Have you seen my baby?
A baby.
Hi baby.
Have you seen my baby?
Have you see my baby?
What did I find?
Aw, you look starving. Come on.
Sir, sir... hi, as much as
I love that Versace blouse
you are cannot breast feed
that baby right here.
Really?
Well I think I can breast feed
this random baby
wherever the fuck I want.
- No you can't. No you can't.
- Okay?
God gave me nipples
and I'll be damned
if I don't use them, okay?
Okay, well,
little science lesson,
men don't produce breast milk
incidentally so, ah.
Aw, oh, no.
It's a miracle.
Oh God, you're a squirter.
Yeah, yeah milk facial.
Who wants a milk mask?
I didn't, uh, sir
I didn't realize.
Wait, open your mouth
one more time. Ah.
Oh, oh, okay. Oh.
What's that?
That's not diet Coke, bitch.
A little in the mouth,
okay never mind thank you.
Idiot.
Hi, how are you?
This is my baby.
You want some milk?
I got two of these motherfuckers
right here.
Oh shit, I have a boner.
Oh no, no, no, no.
Oh no, no, no.
No, sir, please wake up
sir, please wake up sir.
Please wake up sir, oh God, sir!
Okay, okay.
Alright look.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Please wake up, please wake up,
please wake up, please wake up.
Oh God, no, no, no, no.
Okay, okay, sir, please wake up.
Please wake up, sir,
one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Please sir, please.
Fuck!
Some day all of this
will be yours.
- Juanpa.
- What do you want?
It's getting to the best part,
she's putting the tongue,
oh, look at it, oh yeah.
Damn it, Log,
what do you want bro?
Can get that crow
bar back?
Juanpa, we need to talk.
Now. Now!
Oh shit.
You taking a selfie?
Yeah it's lit. Argh!
Should we try CPR?
No man, I already tried that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So this means
you made out with a guy?
- Juanpa, this is not the time.
- Was it nice? Um...
- What?
- It must be nice.
- Dude, focus please.
- Yeah.
They're actually dead, bro.
Aw, nah, nah, nah.
What, what should we do?
I don't know.
Maybe someone else has a plan.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
that's a great idea, Log,
who should we get,
oh Brittany Furlan?
Who wants a body shot?
Or the guy who makes me
doubt my sexuality, huh?
Maybe King Bach,
he's your buddy right?
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Think straight.
You're right,
everyone will panic.
I need you to figure
this out, okay?
I need to put my seed into
a woman's vagina before I die.
Okay, you go do that,
you go do that,
because I'm probably
gonna crash this plane.
- Alright, one of us has to succeed, okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
- One of us will.
- One of us.
- Yeah.
Probably you.
Don't that feel
Real funky ya'll
Brittany, I want
to take a body shot.
Okay, come here, bitch.
Jenna?
Hey, Jenna?
- Hey.
- Oh, hey stranger, where you been?
Um... Can we talk for a second?
Are you seriously asking
if you can say something to me?
You're talking to me
while you're saying this.
So, so can we or...
Amber alert,
we've got a missing person
aisle in seat 2E, suspect,
looks like he's been crying.
I'm not crying.
Vitaly killed them and both
of the pilots are already dead
and I'm really scared right now,
'cause no one is flying
this plane right now Jenna
and I'm really scared and you're
the only person
I can trust to help.
Okay that's adorable
and a really good story
but we land in a few hours.
I'm gonna try to sleep - No, no.
- ...and you're gonna try to get your shit together.
- No, no, no.
Please, please, please, Jenna
please just follow me, okay?
You need to see this.
These pilots better be dead.
- Oh shit. I jinxed it.
- Yeah, I know right, what are the odds?
Hey, you wouldn't by chance know
how to drive a 767, would ya?
We're all gonna die!
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
Calm down, calm down.
Do you know how to drive a 767?
You unlucky bastard!
Okay.
Okay, breath Jenna
breath, breath, breath.
Okay, Namaste, Namaste.
Namaste, yeah, yeah,
that's right, that's good.
Okay, okay.
There's a murderer on this plane
and I'm gonna have
to die with this loser
and all his loser friends
but that's fine.
I know my god it's not fine,
I'm not even having a good hair day.
What about my open casket,
this plane will probably fuck my face up.
- Jenna, Jenna, Jenna, Jenna!
- I need my face, what!
We need to figure this out.
Now, for the last time,
do you know how to drive a 767?
- No, I don't know how to fly a 767.
- Come on.
So I'm just gonna
go back to my seat
and look at pictures
of my dog until we crash.
Until
we crash, we crash, we crash...
Hey buddy. I heard you took
quite the little crash.
Okay, let see what
the problem is.
You puked on my bones!
I'm so sorry, I don't
know what came over me.
Ew.
Are you okay?
What was that?
The flight attendants,
they'll know what to do.
Did you just fart?
But where did they go?
We got to find them.
Surprise.
What the hell is wrong with you?
What's wrong,
you don't like pranks?
We don't like what,
I couldn't understand you, what?
Amber alert, somebody's missing
a sense of humor
down in the luggage.
Amber Alert was my drag name.
Okay.
The flight attendants
are nowhere to be found
- but I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, right?
- How is it gonna be fine, Logan?
I don't know but they probably
figured out how to save the day.
We're in an emergency
right now, you can't,
you can't just sit there.
We need to do something.
Press this button and
the flight attendants will come.
Don't press the button,
that's not for emergencies,
- that's for fucking water.
- Please.
Wow, okay, at least have
the balls to do something.
Oh my god, I just
hit the jackpot.
How is this all free?
You're a mother.
- Oh, fuck.
- Give me these.
- Jesus.
- Damn, you have a baby.
You're supposed to have
seven of those but, you know.
Taking care of business.
You can do it,
Logan, you can do it.
If you won't do
it for her, do it for my virginity.
Use your wings
you big pussy, pussy...
What are you doing here?
I'm gonna drive this plane.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, do you
even know what you're doing?
No, but I'm a fast learner.
Great, well, I hope
that wasn't important.
Hey, hey check it out I think
I've figured out the radio.
Air traffic
control to flight 1524?
Air traffic control
to flight 1524?
Oh my god you're there, hello.
Aye, Benji here.
Been trying to talk
to you guys for ages.
Yeah Benji, we're here man.
I take it
you're not the pilots?
Uh, no, no,
my name is Logan Paul.
You're not a terrorist,
are you mate?
No, I'm
a social media sensation.
We're a bit full
of ourselves, aren't we, mate?
Why don't you stroke
the tip a bit more?
- What?
- What happened to the pilots, mate?
- They're dead.
- No worries, mate.
- What happened to the flight attendants?
- They're missing.
- Slight worry but don't worry, we'll take care of ya.
- Really?
Amber Alert, missing flight
attendants of flight 1524.
What was that? Aussie joke mate,
you wouldn't get
the reference. Okay.
It appears you guys
are a bit off course
so I'm gonna punch in
some new coordinates,
all you have to do
is engage the auto pilot
and the plane will
literally land itself.
Oh. That's great news, yeah.
You'll be a bloody hero, mate.
Yeah, yeah!
Now you've got to raise
the auto pilot lever
and engage the system.
Okay, what does it look like?
Big orange stick mate,
can't miss it.
Um, can you be a little
more specific?
It literally says autopilot
right on the thing there, mate.
Um.
Is that all it says?
Big orange lever,
center console, are you
bloody color blind?
It's the only thing
between you and certain death.
I broke it.
- I'm sorry what?
- I broke off the autopilot by accident.
Sir?
Sir, you there?
Crikey. It would appear there
are now a few more worries
than my original estimate
of no worries.
- How bad is it?
- You're fucked, mate.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
What do you mean I'm fucked?
That's a great question.
Well, you're
all types of fucked!
You're totally fucked,
you're completely fucked.
You're like a parrot
getting raped.
- You're fucked, I'm fucked.
- Yeah.
You're a little boy
in a windowless van,
you're fucked
and you're gonna die.
Speaking of which I don't
like talking to dead people,
it really bums me out
so I'm gonna cut out early
for lunch if no one minds
and, uh, grab a quick bite.
Right, feeling a bit peckish.
I mind, I definitely do mind.
Well, too bad you're going
to be dead soon, Benji out.
Alright, who wants tacos?
- What a dick.
- How could you break the autopilot?
It's not like
I did it on purpose.
Oh, oh you didn't
do it on purpose?
Well, that's great,
everything's just fine then,
right, 'cause Logan
didn't do it on purpose.
Give me this stupid thing.
No, no, no. Um, pay, pay no mind
to the sound of struggle.
We are fine and smooth as silk.
- Logan, they need to know.
- Jenna, no they don't.
I know you're probably terrified
right now and I am too,
but what you're doing
is not helping.
So just give me
the intercom, just hey.
Aw fuck, hey guys
if you look to your right
and also to your left
you will notice
the vast expanse of
the Pacific Ocean.
Oh, the ocean
that's so romantic.
Okay, take
your fucking shot, Juanpa.
Woohoo!
We have to do something.
Yeah, yeah I mean
it can be that hard, right?
We'll first we can move
these bodies I mean
they're really starting
to smell.
Yeah. Up we go.
Oh, I'm impressed.
Yeah, moving corpses is easy.
Oh no, just dry heaves.
- Okay.
- I won't throw up.
I'm sorry.
Nice.
Ew.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Have you seen my baby?
No?
Oh your breath stinks.
Have you seen my baby?
No.
Oh sir, have you seen my baby?
Your baby's missing?
Yeah.
I know your plight,
I'm a new mother myself.
I'll help you find him,
what does he look like?
Uh, he's a baby and he's white
and he's got little arms.
Is this your baby?
Hey.
Uh...
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Look lady, I'm not Dog
the fucking baby hunter.
Okay, this baby that
I found simply doesn't have
the wherewithal to raise itself
and that's where I come in.
That really looks...
Why you touch baby?
Who do you think you are?
Walking around drunk around
this plane losing babies.
You smell like
Jack Daniels's dick.
I'm so sorry.
You get the fuck out of our face
and you leave us alone.
Why do men hate me so much?
Because it's so easy.
Boo fucking hoo.
Do you know what would
be a hilarious prank?
If we poisoned every
passenger on this plane.
- No, no.
- Tell me where the emergency oxygen supply is.
Never.
- Never?
- Never.
- Never?
- Never.
- Never?
- No.
Tell me how I access the oxygen,
or I'll feed this dog cat food.
Never! God no!
Whoa!
The poor dog, no.
Good doggy.
That's not what he's
supposed to eat.
It's in the safety
glass by the door.
- Why did you tell him, bitch?
- It's by the door.
- You're going to pay for that.
- Thank you, thank you.
You're going
to pay for that.
Oh God, no.
One for me.
One for you.
What are you doing?
By the way it was dog food
the whole time.
What kind of a man feeds
a dog cat food?
How sick do you think I am?
It's just a prank.
You're probably not gonna
believe me when I tell you this
but you know most people
think I'm this huge slut.
But I've actually never
even been with a man before.
Really? Maybe I can
help you with that,
I've got some experience
in that arena.
Aren't you like 16?
Seventeen.
Oh sorry, 17, my god.
You're still illegal.
Hey, so what,
we're all gonna die.
- What?
- Okay, look my dick can't handle anymore.
The pilots are dead
and Logan's flying the plane.
- What?
- You're so cute, and funny, and Mexican.
That's not funny,
I, I took a picture.
- Who is flying the plane?
- Logan's flying the fucking plane, alright.
Listen, we've got nothing
else left to lose.
This is either the most
elaborate pick-up line
I've ever heard or we are
really all gonna die.
Either way you're fucked.
Good point.
Oh my god.
Fuck is going on
back there? Shit.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, how the fuck you sleeping through this?
Wake your ass up. I'm sure
we about too down in this bitch.
Wait, wait, I'm not on the pill.
Neither am I, neither am I.
Oh shit
Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah oh.
Oh, shit!
There's a solution
to any problem.
A wise woman once said,
"Shake it off..."
Simba!
Give this video a thumbs up!
Give me that selfie stick,
give me that selfie stick.
This is what panicking
looks like.
Yo, flight 1524 we are out here.
Your boy came back
like a movie star.
Follow me on Twitter at...
Fuck you Vitaly!
Brittany?
Brittany, Brittany, wake up.
Wake up, wake up.
You're being selfish
I need this.
I can tell you're breathing.
Are you there?
Leave Brittany alone.
Hey guys, Nick Bateman here.
Now, all my life
people would tell me
I'm really good looking.
That I turn straight guys gay,
lesbians straight.
Gay guys, gayer.
But you know what, there's more
to me than just a pretty face.
I'm also a junior pilot.
I don't know what's
going on back there
but I'm either gonna
save the day or die trying.
Fuck yeah man, fucking do it.
- Hooray!
- Hooray!
Yeah, let's do this,
let's do this!
Hey you, Yakuza.
Did you see anything, hum?
Jackie Chan?
Jackie, you, you see anything?
No? Shh.
Hello everybody,
it's the homosexual flight helper.
The cabin pressure
is still so low,
please put you oxygen
masks back on. Thank you.
Don't do it, Logan.
Vitaly kazed the oxygen supply.
Godspeed my little cream pie.
Jenna wait, don't put that on.
Why?
Something's wrong
with the oxygen.
How do you know?
I hear gay people.
I have to go find him.
Logan no. Please, don't.
Damn it.
Hey you.
Argh.
Ah, my dick.
My asshole, my asshole!
Argh!
I think it turned inside out!
Oh my god.
Nick!
Ah, great.
Not the vodka.
Ow!
Ow shit!
Holy shit,
what the hell are you doing?
Completing my master prank.
There's no social media
convention with all of you dead,
all of your followers
will be mine. Imagine the power.
Wait, you've been pranked.
- What are you talking about?
- It was just all a prank, bro.
Look closely, all these
people are acting, see?
Look at this guy.
Hello, I'm okay.
You have been pranked.
- Nick?
- See? Even that girls in on it.
Fuck you Vitaly!
Oh shit, I have a boner.
Argh! Wha... Wake up
you chiseled brute.
Oh, we are so fucking mcfucked.
This crazy Russian,
he's gonna crash the plane
and he threw out all
the parachutes except one.
Holy shit.
Is that dog eating cat food?
Logan, baby, it's dog
food in a cat food can.
Oh thank God.
With a hint of Nick Bateman.
It's just a prank, bro,
but I can assure you
your death will be very real.
Thanks for covering
my tracks, Logan Paul.
I owe you one.
No, no, no, no, no,
not the button, no, no that...
If I die I'm taking you
with me, you fuck.
Oh God I'm only 23, sort of.
I can't hold on anymore!
Tell my boyfriend Steve
to hide all the pornography.
Maverick, no, no, no!
Maverick!
That's my bird!
Oh God, thank you,
thank you, we're all together.
Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, hey.
Save
the day cum sponge.
Hey Bruce.
Any final advice on
how to land this plane?
If you can get to the cockpit,
engage the autopilot.
The plane will literally
land itself.
Okay. Erm...
Vitaly, where is Jenna?
Nice try, ha.
- Ah!
- Oh, shit, I am so sorry,
I thought I could
jump kick Vitaly
and save the day, it would
have been really cool.
Yeah, shut up and stop him!
Here.
- I hope you die!
- Argh!
This is just a flesh wound,
have a safe flight, captain.
- Oomph!
- Aww!
Oh shit.
You'll be missed.
Do you get it? The jet engine
turned him into mist.
Okay.
You got a plane to land.
I got this.
- I don't got this.
- Oh no, you do got this.
- I don't know if I got this.
- I mean if you don't got this, then who got this?
I guess I'm gonna
need to get this.
Oh this best going
to get got then.
It will, it's best gone got and
there ain't nobody better to go
- and get this than get me.
- You got to get it while the goings good.
Oh the goings good and I'm at
get it while the getting's good.
- You got to get it.
- I'm gonna get it.
What the fuck are you
people talking about?
- Get out there, come on.
- I'm a get it.
You're gonna get it.
Okay.
You can
do it, Logan, you can do it.
You're not supposed
to look down, just do it.
It's gonna go on YouTube.
YouTube, YouTube...
You two, you two, you two
need to land this fucking plane.
I did not get laid Logan!
- Jenna, do you have service yet?
- Er... Yeah. Yeah, yeah here.
Oh, well, this is great service.
Go on get the last
scoop out of the carton.
With the squatty potty you
get complete elimination.
- Skip the ad.
- I can't, it won't let me.
Yes, it will give you the best
poop of your life, guaranteed.
Argh! If I die
because of this shit!
Umm. They're good at pooping.
Hey guys, it Connor
and today I'm gonna
be teaching you
how to land a passenger jet.
Flying is easy
and with the right education
and guidelines almost anyone
can learn the secrets of flight.
- Amazing. Ok.
- It's easy.
All you have to do
is pay attention...
Nobody will watch
your stupid videos.
Leave me alone, Becky.
Fuck you, Becky!
I'm telling mom about
your abortion.
Fuck you.
Cool, okay, here are the basics.
This is the yoke, it's
like the steering wheel
but here's the thing
you need to know,
the controls are inverted
so, up is down, and down is up.
Oh.
This knob controls
the flaps.
The flaps give
the plane lift and drag.
When landing you want
the flaps fully extended.
Remember, were going
for maximum air resistance.
- Turn the knob.
- Okay, okay.
The most important part of
landing is of course the...
Connor, your sister said you're
looking at anime porn again.
- She's lying.
- That's gross.
- God damn it, Connor!
- Fuck you, Becky!
When you get your own house
you can masturbate then.
- Okay, let's just skip ahead here.
- Yeah, skip that.
Once you've done that it's
time to engage the auto pilot,
the plane with literally land
itself, how cool is that?
It's okay.
No, my phone.
Okay.
Hey what's that? What is...?
By the grace
of Steve Irwin
you're still
magically on course.
- Way to go, mate.
- Benji, is that you?
Sure is, mate,
and by the look of it
you're still not out
of the woods yet.
- What?
- You're still quite fucked.
- How fucked?
- Mate, you're missing an engine, you're running out of fuel,
and you're dropping like
a dead albatross with diabetes.
Now normally I'd say
check the cross winds,
20 knots from the southeast
but I'd bet my last dollar I do
you don't understand
a word of that.
Yeah no shit I don't, Benji.
Just try to land on the white
line, fly straight and pray
you don't explode
on contact. And Logan.
- What?
- You owe me a dollar you do.
- I fucking hate you Benji!
- Hey lose the tude, mate.
Benji, I swear to God
if I survive this I'm...
Oi, wait a second,
would you look at that?
That koala looks like
Hugh Jackman.
I got to go bag me that koala.
Man the fort, Hansen.
Fuck the baby, I don't
want to die.
Aw! What...
- What the fuck?
- Get this fucking monkey off me.
Don't touch her.
Oh my god, Logan, Logan.
- Logan, we landed.
- What?
- We landed.
- Oh shit, oh my god.
We did it.
Oh, wait we're not stopping,
why aren't we stopping?
All you have to do.
Connor!
Okay, once you've landed
you're gonna want to hit
the breaks with both feet.
Brakes.
Thanks for watching and
don't forget to subscribe.
Oh my god, you did it.
No Jenna, we did it.
Please don't ruin the moment
with your cheesy bullshit.
We should probably
get off this thing.
Following a hijacking
and an engine failure
on board flight 1524
an incredible chain of events
has led to the rescue...
Fuck her right in the pussy.
Awesome!
Aye, mate.
Benji?
You're actually alive.
I owe you a dollar I do.
Don't worry about that.
Genuinely surprised
to see you alive.
Took a lot of guts
to do what you did today.
Hey buddy.
Hey man.
So?
- I failed, Log, I failed.
- Aw.
- Oh, come on.
- I guess blue balls is real.
It hurts, it hurts man.
No, eh, eh, don't say that man.
- You're still alive.
- I guess.
Your foreign exchange brother
is still a virgin.
No man, my brother
is still a virgin.
Such a tender moment.
Hey.
Hey.
Eugene, is that really you?
It's been 70 years.
The last orgasm I had
was in Normandy in your mouth.
Consider it VD day.
Bombs away.
Uh...
So Australia's pretty nice huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Er...
- Does it like hurt? Aw.
- Ow, ow, no I'm fine.
- Okay.
- I got a bandage.
- You did good driving that plane.
- Thanks.
Couldn't have done it
without my co-pilot.
What did I tell you
about being cheesy?
- To not be cheesy.
- Yeah, definitely stop.
So I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him.
Aw!
I think it safe to say
that your baby's gone.
Have you considered
adoption maybe?
I mean no, I, I thought I'd find
him on the plane, you know?
Right. That's horrible.
Well, here's some good news.
When that plane was going down
and I thought we were all dead,
I had one split second to
ejaculate into this Tupperware
so I could let my seed live on.
I made this out of my penis.
Put it in your vagina,
make a new baby.
Oh my god,
this is the nicest thing
any man's ever done for me.
It's pretty great.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
But it still doesn't
bring my baby back.
What your old baby?
- Yeah.
- This is a brand new baby.
You ungrateful bitch.
Give me my seed back
you don't deserve it.
You do not deserve...
No I'm sorry, spit it out, spit
it out put it back in my vagina.
- Too late! It's too late!
- I'm sorry!
You've wasted my seed!
No, I'm sorry, put it back
in my vagina please.
Please, please.
It's going back into my penis,
I can feel it.
I have nothing else to live for.
I'm getting hard!
I guess this is goodbye.
Yup, I hope everything works
out with your girlfriend.
That was really brave.
- Come here.
- Bye.
Thank you so much,
I woke up on the toilet.
Jenna wait.
Thank you so much.
I don't even know you people.
- I'm your brother.
- I know you.
Okay, here we go.
You're excited?
- Yeah.
- This is it, right?
This is it. This is it.
Are you sure about this?
I've never been so sure
about anything in my life.
Logan!
Eh, yeah, it's me.
Er, I'm Logan.
Wait, you're not Logan.
- You sound different.
- Yeah.
I'm his foreign
exchange brother Juanpa.
- Mexico.
- So?
And I have an accent.
What? No, no, I can't
understand you though.
Can you say that again?
One more time, just,
just say it one more time.
Okay, okay, don't say
anything cheesy.
Jenna? It took me traveling half
way around the world to realize
- that I love you.
- I'm sorry your accent is just gnarly,
can you please just
repeat yourself?
Okay, uh, I guess you worked out
everything with your boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, the guac is extra,
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Who was
that guy, he's fucking hot.
You're gay,
you're a gay man, yeah!
Oh my god, so are you.
- No, no, I'm, I'm here for her, so.
- Logan?
But, but, but just one kiss,
that's all I ask.
Okay, fine,
but then you have to leave.
Now get out.
Wait, how did you
hear my thoughts?
Whoa yeah, I guess I always
thought you were a little bit...
- Yeah, take it off.
- Yeah.
- Hurry up.
- I will, I will.
Oh yeah. I'm going there.
- Oh yeah.
- Hurry up.
- Why can't you get it off?
- Yeah, yeah I got it.
- Is... er... aw... Wait, stop.
- Trying.
- Is this the right hole?
- No, no,
- no, no.
- No, no? Yes?
- No? Okay, yeah.
- There it is, yeah.
- Yeah, no, this one?
- Yeah, right there.
Okay, okay, okay.
Juanpa, Juanpa.
Oh, oh this feels amazing.
- I love your accent.
- I love your accent.
Talk dirty to me in Mexican.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait I, I have to know.
What happened, like,
did she have a penis?
What the fuck?
Daddy, I thought you were gone.
Oh my god, your dad is black.
I mean that's, that's cool, he's black.
I can't stop, I can't stop.
Daddy you have...
- Your dad's black.
- I'm adopted.
Oh my god, I'm adopted too,
we have so much in common.
Swear I'm gonna kill
your dumb ass.
I love you, Juanpa.
It's pronounced Juanpa.
I'm whooping your ass.
Run Juanpa, run.
Daddy stop, run, go, go.
Get it off, please!
I love you, Juanpa.
- I love you my awesome princess.
- You're just like your mother.
- I love you so much.
- Put some clothes on.
- I have clothes on.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
I'm gonna cut your dick off
and feed it to the drop bears.
Motherfucker
I'm going to kill you.
- Daddy, stop it.
- Get back here.
Run, Juanpa run!
Well not bad.
Jungle life
I'm living in the open
Native beat that carries on
Burning bright
A fire that blows the...
Hey Mr. Kangaroo,
I just had sex,
go tell all your kangaroo
friends I just had sex.
Come on give me a fist bump.
Alright, let's go,
let's go man, let's celebrate.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Today we're gonna learn
how to make a hang glider
out of cardboard,
duct tape, and a chin up bar...
No one's gonna watch
your stupid videos, Connor.
Logan Paul!
You're a fucking hero, Connor.
- Logan, I love you.
- Shut up, Becky!
- Let's make that hang glider, buddy.
- Yeah!
Argh! My femurs.
Aw! I can see my bones!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Night tonight
Give me the other
Give me the other
Chance tonight
Give me the other
Give me the other
Night to night
Give me the other
Give me the other world!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Ow!
Bitch, you saved my life.