Ali G Indahouse (2002) Movie Script
(Police siren)
(Tyres squeal)
(Helicopter passing)
(Police radio)
'You are now about to witness
the strength of street knowledge.'
(# NWA: Straight Outta Compton)
# I'm comin'
straight outta Compton...
'When somethin' happens
in South Central Los Angeles
'nothin' happens,
it's just another nigger dead.'
# Straight outta Compton,
crazy mothefucker named Ice Cube
# From the gang called
Niggaz With Attitude
# AK-47 is the tool
# Don't make me act
the mothefuckin' fool
# As I leave, believe I'm stompin'
# But when I come back, boy,
I'm comin' straight outta Compton #
- ? Y que mira?
- ! Si, gozale!
My friend saw you
with Ramon Camacho.
- It ain't true, Ricco.
- Shut up, ho!
It's time to teach you two a lesson.
I wouldn't do that if I was you.
Step back unless you want me
to bust a cap in your ass.
This is my hood
and these girls belong to me.
Belong?
That is a very sexist way
to talk about these bitches.
Hola.! Ay que rico estas, papito!
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ali.
J'habite in Staines.
(Hawks repeatedly)
You made me use me last tissue.
Me ain't got another one now.
Hijo su chingada madre.
? Te crees chingon, cabron?
No sabes que te puedo matar,
pinche canario.
You what? Speak to the hand
cos the face, it ain't listening.
! Matalo!
Ooh!
Sorry.
No!
Remember, life is the most
precious gift that Jah has given us.
(lmitates machine gun)
(Derisive laughter)
(Panicked shouting)
Unlucky.
You saved us.
I just really want to thank you.
- (Zip)
- ! Ay, Dios mio!
That's gonna need the two of us.
Here, let me help you with that.
(# Missy Elliot: One Minute Man)
#... make you want me
# And I'm-a give you
some attention... #
That's very nice.
Yes, please.
Thank you very much. That's good.
(2 Pac whines)
Whatever.
(Licking)
Yeah, baby, play with the balls.
(Knocking)
- Ali, are you awake?
- For real.
Ali-Pally, do you know how late it
is? You're still in bed, all asleep.
- Sorry, Nan.
- (Growling)
# It's nice to get up in the morning
in the good old summertime
# Four and five and six o'clock
in the good old summertime
- (Snarling)
- # When the winter comes...
# It's nice to get up
in the morning...
# But better to stay in bed #
(Thud)
(Moans) That's better.
It's not nice to play with your
poopik when Nana's in the room.
- You're teaching your class today.
- Wicked.
Out of bed, choppy chop.
# Wicked, wicked
# Junglist massive
# Wicked, wicked
# Junglist massive
# Wicked, wicked
# Junglist massive
# Wicked, original...
(# Banging jungle beats,
ragga rapping)
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Incredible... #
(Drowned out by music)
- Yo, yo! Aight?
- Aight!
Urgh.
Respect.
So, what's going down
in Staines town, my nigger?
Nigger, we just be kicking back,
sucking on some gin and juice.
Laid-back.
- Aight.
- For real.
Jezzy, is you wearing green?
I knew it. You is defected
to the lver Heath posse, innit?
- Let's stab him.
- Wait!
Me mum washed me yellow top with
my brother's blue football socks.
All right. But you tell that slag
that in the ghetto,
washing non-coloufast synthetics
at 60 degrees could be fatal.
Will you boys move?
I've told you it's a fire risk.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, what's the problem?
Four brothers chilling out,
maxing, relaxing,
it ain't too taxing.
Boof!
- Move!
- We'll sit on the bench. Yes.
(# Thumping bass)
The East Staines Massiv.
If it ain't the West Staines Massiv
outside their precious centre.
Booyakasha!
Wickety-wackety-sha! Boo!
Eastside is the best. (Kisses teeth)
Westside is the best.
(Lips squeaking)
- Eastside is the best.
- Westside is the best.
- Westside is the best.
- Eastside is the best.
Shit, I meant Westside is the best.
Anyways, you is on our tuf.
Once you pass
the Bumblebees Day Nursery,
just before the mini-roundabout,
then you is in the Westside.
- We don't care.
- Oh, yeah?
Your mama is so fat
that when she volunteered to clean
the cages at the zoo,
people them-a walk by and say,
"Look at that hippopotamus."
That ain't fair. It's glandular.
- Let's leave these batty boys.
- Your mama's a batty boy.
(# So Solid Crew: Ride Wid Us)
Oooh!
Slow down!
(Horn toots)
Stop!
- Eastside!
- He's gonna get himself killed.
Yo, yo, G, it's the LAPD.
Yeah? And?
Oh, man, you are one bad mofo.
I is feeling it. You rocking it?
- I'm feeling it.
- I'm checking it.
- I'm kissing it.
- I'm checking it.
(Sings drum'n'bass beat)
- Wicked!
- (Sings beat)
Wicked!
Wicked now, wicked now, wicked!
# Me got the chick-ahn,
me like the chick-ahn!
# Me got the chicken-wicken,
a-rockin' and a-pickin'
# Me got...
# A to the L to the I to the G,
Ali G, that's me, that's me
# A to the L to the I to the G,
that's G - that's me, that's me
# R to the I to the C
to the K to the Y
# That's Ricky C
Ricky C to the C to the C
# Ricky C... #
Wait. I is gonna be late
for me class. Let's go.
Crack cocaine
is destroying our community.
So when a brother makes it through,
they deserve our respect.
So let's big it up for Darren,
who's been clean and off the crack
now for eight years.
- Eight and three-quarter years.
- Whatever.
Me don't wanna say this but
most of you ain't never gonna see 11.
Booka!
Drive-bys.
- Look, he's crying. Homo! Homo!
- Hey!
We'll have none of that
language here. The word is batty boy.
(All chant) Batty boy! Batty boy!
Better. Everybody up!
Time to give out this week's badges.
First, big it up
for me main man Andy,
who has finally got
his Hot-Wiring badge
and his Advanced Swearing badge.
- Shit off, you hairy dog's cock.
- Respect.
Since you has got your fifth badge,
you has earned your second slit.
Hopefully one day
you'll get to be Tyrone's level.
If you gets any better,
we'll have to start doing your pubes.
- I don't have any.
- Well, I is got millions.
Now, remember -
without realness, we is nothing.
So, posse, keep it real!
(All chant) Keep it real!
On the streets, your homie
would take a cap in his ass for you.
So let's start with
a very basic trust exercise.
- One, two, three.
- Ali, can I have a word?
- Sure.
- It's about the centre.
I know how much these classes
mean to you
- and how much the kids enjoy them.
- (Groaning)
But the government's withdrawn
our funding.
They're closing down
the John Nike Leisure Centre.
You what? How is these kids meant
to make it out of the ghetto now?
- They'll have to go somewhere else.
- Somewhere else?
Do you know what this centre
means to them? And to me?
This is the spiritual home
of the West Staines Massiv.
This is like what Mecca is
to the Jews.
It's like what Kentucky is
to chickens.
And it was here when me
first felt me Julie's... (Whistles)
Ali, there's nothing you can do.
Now, you better go and tell the kids.
I ain't never gonna let them
close us down.
Keep it real, yeah?
(Woman) 'Dinner with
the Belgian prime minister at eight.
'And the Deputy Prime Minister
wishes to speak to you.'
- Has he heard the poll results yet?
- Yes, I wish I hadn't.
Gallup puts us 22 points behind.
- And MORI?
- 23 points behind.
The youth vote's
deserting us in droves.
Focus groups say we're out of touch.
- We are.
- Don't be silly.
Will we lose this by-election?
We haven't lost Staines in 20 years
and we're not about to start.
We just have an image problem.
We have to find a candidate
who will improve that image.
Somebody young.
- Somebody ethnic.
- Somebody in touch.
- Exactly.
- You're right.
We need an intellectually superior
candidate to guarantee us victory.
- Easy now, Mrs Hugh.
- Booyakasha.
- Is me Julie about?
- She's upstairs.
Hello, baby, I's been missing you
so much today.
You is looking so fine. All I want
to do is pull your panties down...
Ali.
- Hello, me Julie.
- Stop feeling up Nina.
- I got confused.
- You're never confused with Tracey.
- Hello, Ali.
- Hello.
You know you is me only bitch.
Ho. Lady?
When me close me eyes,
you is the only girl me think about.
# Gal flex, time to have sex
# Jump in my Lex, steam a blunt,
pop a vex
# Now you know that my style
is rated XX... #
- Ali, open your eyes.
- Sorry, there was something in them.
Because there's these fleas
going around,
two of them, coming in again
and they're in me eyes!
# Open up dem legs a-wider... #
You've been a very bad boy
and you need to be punished.
- Are you a bad boy?
- Yes, I am.
My skin is so dry.
So for being a bad boy,
I want you to rub oil into me,
paying special attention
to my breasts and my batty crease.
OK, I will do that.
But first, I want you to
take your hat off, you naughty boy.
But me never take me hat off.
You take that off
and I'll take these off.
OK.
Now I'm going to milk you.
- (Julie) 'Ali.'
- Give me one more sec.
- Behave, Alistair.
- J-Lo.
They is closing down the centre.
I is gonna go on hunger strike
until they save it... or until I die.
So just in case I do join Tupac
and Biggie in that ghetto in the sky,
I's come here to bone you
one last time.
Mr Johnson might have something
to say about that.
- Can I watch?
- I got not problem with that.
Ali!
Don't do nothing stupid, all right?
Hear me now.
She ain't really me Julie.
In real life I is going out
with someone much fitter.
But they do that
to make me more accessible.
Which means you girls think I will
knob you, even if you is a minger.
OK, you got ten seconds
till you start.
(Muffled) More! More!
OK, and go.
Mr G, why are you on hunger strike?
(Muffled) In the struggle for...
In the struggle for justice,
I is willing to lay down me life.
Just like
Martin Luther... Vandross did.
Local party chairman Alan Swan
has some names for the by-election.
This is a great honour.
I've always admired...
- The names, Swan.
- Right. Well, er...
There are three really outstanding
candidates that match your criteria.
Top of the list is Andrew Hamilton,
PhD political science,
studied PPE at Oxford,
gained a starred first.
Have you tried these new
chicken dippers?
- They're really good.
- What sauce are you going for?
I think it's barbecue.
(Roars and moans)
I can't take it!
(Ali roars)
Chicken dippers!
- Good, we can go home now.
- Oh, nips.
I'll get the keys, yeah?
Starting again from... now!
# Bring it! What? We right here... #
No.
# We right here,
this is ours and we don't share #
- What has we got here, then?
- I is doing a serious protest.
In that case, we'll leave you to it.
Oh, thanks.
There was just one thing, though.
(All laughing)
#... joint made this year
that'll knock till 2003
# Y'all gonna see
that the hottest nigger out there
# Was and will be me
# Just like that
# I can go away for a minute
# Do some other shit
but bounce right back... #
(Disappointed groan)
Grow, Biggie, grow.
I has gotta get a semi lob-on.
Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez lezzing off with the
big-thighed one in Destiny's Child.
Look here now!
Look at my massive beast!
(All screaming)
You filthy animal!
(lrish accent)
Oh, Shep, this rail is very dirty.
It's going to need
a lot of polishing.
(Moaning)
PhD in economics,
three years at Harvard, age 34...
Swan? Is there any reason
why there should be
an absurdly dressed,
half-naked man chained to a fence
being tossed off
by an old, blind council worker?
(Ali moaning)
Ignore him. It's the local idiot
making some pathetic protest.
Unchain him and bring him in here.
- But I'm trying to...
- Bring him in, Swan.
Straight ahead
at the top of the stairs.
# Freak me, baby
# Yeah, just like that
# Freak me, baby
# Come on, come on
# Freak me, baby
# Let me lick you up and down
# Till you say stop
# Let me play with your body, baby
# Make you real hot #
# Let me do all the tings
you want me to do
# Cos tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you #
I'm Kate Hedges, the Deputy
Prime Minister's secretary.
Come in
and you can pull your pants up now.
Hello, I'm David Carlton,
the Deputy Prime Minister.
Hello.
I is Ali G, the dominating MC.
Making bitches touch their punani.
- The number after two, it be...
- Three.
Not Ali A, not Ali B,
not Ali C, not Ali D,
not Ali...
E...
not Ali...
(Hums alphabet song)
F...
- but Ali...
- G.
Bo! Your rhymes is tight
for a honkey, yes, sir.
That's his full name and address.
Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?
I is recently gone on the dole.
- When?
- Eight years and three months ago.
It says here you claim disability.
Are you...?
Yes, I is actually spasticated.
I is got a terrible DJing injury
and still ain't got full mobility
in me mixing finger.
Fok-chickety-fok-fok-fresh. Ow.
Everything down there
is still working. Oh, yes. Yes.
Ali, erm... would you sit down?
Please, sit down.
- Would you ever become an MP?
- What for? It's full of pricks.
That's a little harsh.
I'm an MP, am I a prick?
- Yes.
- Let's try a different angle.
Is there nothing
you'd like to change?
Me'd wanna save the John Nike
Leisure Centre, obviously.
As the MP for Staines,
you could achieve that.
Would you stand in this by-election?
Me gotta be honest,
me ain't actually bi.
- Well...
- I mean,
obviously I done it with two girls.
Well, I seen it on the internet.
But me would never feel completely
comfortable being bummed by a man.
A lot of people say never say ever
but me feel strongly that me
exit hole should stay me exit hole
and never become me entry hole,
you know what I is saying?
Yes, yes.
Well, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.
David.
Later, sweetheart.
(Kate) David?
What are you doing? He was
the biggest idiot I have ever met.
- Choose him and we'll never win.
- I know.
There'll be a leadership crisis.
The PM will be out.
And who could possibly replace him?
Ali has two weeks
to lose us 18,000 votes.
Let's get him on the campaign trail.
(# Thumping hip-hop)
Easy, rude boy. Me name be Ali G
and me is here representing Staines.
Can me count on your vote?
- Definitely not.
- Hairy muff.
Seeing as I is here,
could me interest you in
a quarter of Moroccan black?
It's well good shit!
Dave, it's your turn
to shit through the letterbox.
Our anti-bullying programme
has won lots of praise.
Instances of bullying in
this school are at an all-time low.
Jonathan used to suffer terribly
from bullies.
I ain't surprised. Look at him.
Hey, fatty bum bum. Hey, fatty bum
bum. Want another cream cake?
Boiiing! Boiiing! Boiiing!
(Laughs)
He is well fat, though.
All you mothefuckers,
fuck-fuck-fuck fuckers!
Vote for the G, the mothefuckin' G.
Me, the mothefuckin' G.
All the bitches in the house say yo.
Vote for me
cos me know what you lezzers want.
I is a big supporter of your cause
and I is got many of your videos.
If you vote for me, me give you me
pledge to lower taxes on strap-ons.
(Jeering)
Why is you getting so eggy?
Is you all on?
Ladies and gentlemen, to commemorate
the town hall extension,
we're asking all the candidates
to lay down a brick.
Ali, would you lay one for us now?
- What, here?
- We would be honoured.
- In front of everyone?
- Yes.
(Groans of disgust)
Not bad.
This is absolutely vital.
with one day to go
we are eight points behind.
Listen. Did you get the manifesto
that I sent to you?
- You got a roach?
- Er... For real.
(# Reggae)
- You got another roach?
- Yeah, for real.
(Ali) Yeah.
(Ricky) Wicked.
Yes. It was very helpful.
Come with me.
Good luck. Don't hold back.
(# News theme)
In the most crucial by-election
of the past decade,
we're joined by ex-Environment
Secretary David Griffiths
and newcomer Ali G.
This debate will help you
make up your mind.
Ali, if elected,
what would you do for Staines?
Me'd save
the John Nike Leisure Centre.
You can't mean your sole policy
is to save a centre that's barely
used and a terrible drain on funds?
What are your other policies?
- My other policies?
- Yes, you must have some.
Well...
I think it is well important
to reduce inflay-tee-on
and also to invest in the nehuss.
(Ali) The nahuss.
- Oh, the NHS.
- You're reading from my sheet.
No, I ain't. I is thought of them
things meself, you copied from me.
It wasn't me.
Then perhaps you'd tell me
where you stand on the ERM?
No problem. Me thought
their first album was wack.
Me hate all indie music.
The voters deserve better, you're
making a mockery of this debate.
What? Is you looking in the mirror?
You're making it obvious
to the voters what a buffoon you are.
Talking about yourself again?
I think so.
You are an embarrassment
to the people of Staines.
That is not a nice way
to talk about your mum.
I put it to you that you are
the worst possible candidate
ever put forward
by your miserable party.
Well, I put it to you...
that you sucked off a horse.
(Gasping)
I did not, er... suck off a horse.
I have already dealt with this issue
with the party chairman
and as I explained to him,
I was out hunting with a friend
and I slipped onto
the end of a horse's phallus,
which, unfortunately,
owing to it being the mating season,
was aroused.
'Why is he going?
Does he need to go and do a pony?
'Ls that a yes or a neigh?
'Why isn't he speaking?
Is he a bit hoarse?
'Was that a lie or the tr-hoof? '
Tell you what, they ought to read
the gallop polls tomorrow!
'More drama with the unexpected
withdrawal of David Griffiths.
'Tomorrow's vote is now between
Thomas Alvarez and Ali G,
'with the result too close to call.'
Thomas Alvarez,
Liberal Democrat, 5,080 votes.
Alistair Leslie Graham...
Who? What a stupid name.
- (Announcer)... 5,086 votes.
- You won! You did it!
(Announcer) And I now declare
Ali G has been duly elected
as Member of Parliament for Staines.
Do you want to see the new
Member of Parliament, aight?
(Giggling)
(Speaker feedback)
(Ali, amplified) 'Look how I is
touching meself. Do you like that?
'Ls that turning you on? '
(Julie) 'Not really.'
(Ali) 'Mm.
(Silly voice)
'Give a kiss to Mr Gherkin.'
(Julie) 'You're so long and hard! '
(Ali) 'That's the handbrake.'
(Julie) 'Now, let's get jiggy.'
(Ali singing)
# Mr Boombastic, reggae fantastic!
# Take it as a dooby-dooby-doogy
# Mr Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro...
# Mmmmmmantic! #
(Whimpers)
Is it in yet?
Big up yourself. Respect.
- Big up yourself.
- MP for Staines.
I know you. You was the geezer
that did it with that prossie.
Respect.
- Because this government...
- Order! Order!
This government's conduct
of economic policy
has not only been incompetent,
it has been unscrupulous,
untrustworthy and untruthful.
They is dissin' our posse.
I is gonna sort this.
- (Speaker) Order. Order now.
- And look at this!
Order! Order! Will the Member
for Staines return to his seat?
Will the Member for Staines
return to his seat?!
Order! Order in the House!
- What is he doing?
- I'm not sure, Prime Minister.
(All shouting)
- For you to come down to me...
- Shhh.
Relax ya batty.
Look at you!
All you ever do all day long
is cuss each other.
R-E-S-T-E-C-P.
- Do you even know what that spells?
- Restecp?
- Yes. Restecp.
- Restecp.
How's anyone out there
meant to restecp each other
if you lot in here don't even start
restecp-ing one another?
Sergeant, eject him.
Wanna know how to make this country
better? It's simple. Two words.
- Keep it real.
- That's three words.
Don't be a spanner. "lt" ain't
a real word. It's short for "innit".
- Keep it real!
- He is banned from the House.
Is it cos I is black?
What in God's name
have you done to me?
I want that idiot in my office
with his resignation.
Yes, Prime Minister.
- (Knock on door)
- Come in.
- Listen, me know me done wrong.
- Haven't you read the papers?
I can't believe it.
This dog can play table tennis.
- It's the press, they love you.
- But how can he hold the bat?
The Deputy Prime Minister and I
were wondering,
what if I asked you
to join the Cabinet?
No, think about it.
Ali joins the Cabinet,
the two of them are publicly aligned.
Ali slips up,
he takes that old prat with him.
Why would Ali join?
I've told the Prime Minister
to offer to save his leisure centre.
- Are you mad? That would...
- Let me finish.
Offers to save his leisure centre
if Ali gets him a 20-point poll lead.
Now I is in the Cabinet and all,
could I see the red button?
- Can I trust you?
- Yes.
All right. Here we are.
One touch on that red button
could destroy the whole world.
- That is very interesting because...
- No!
Fell for it!
Ali, please, stand away. Dear me.
- Can't we blow up something?
- No!
- Please?
- No.
- Somewhere shitty like Wales.
- Ali.
Their Prime Minister
called your mum a slag.
I am the Prime Minister of Wales!
You shouldn't say that
about your mum.
Your first Cabinet meeting is
Thursday. It's about asylum seekers.
(Prime Minister) I'm sending you
on a fact-finding mission.
Anyone trying to smuggle
will probably come through here.
And it's not just immigrants.
Look at this.
You'll be appalled.
Look at this crap.
Marijuana smuggled in from Europe,
South America and the Middle East.
That is terrible. (Tuts)
- Is there any skunk?
- Yes.
Some scumbag
smuggled in 15 kilos of this.
It's the strongest
super skunk ever discovered.
Over here are the confiscated
weapons and this is where we keep...
(Shouting aggressively)
You must have such a laugh here.
- No, we don't.
- Oh.
Next we have the mountains
of hardcore pornography,
most of it from Germany.
You may want to look away.
No. I is got a job to do.
(Whimpers)
I know. It makes me feel sick, too.
I have to compile me report now,
so if you'd fuck off.
Certainly, sir.
Westminster will be sending down
experts to help with me research.
(Whispering and laughing)
Hello. We is experts.
(Cheesy music, people moaning)
'Sprutze in die Arse! '
Ali, tell us,
what did you find out in Dover?
Me saw a lot of stuff,
most of it from Germany,
of these blokes going in
through the back door.
He's right.
In Germany, I experienced it myself.
- Respect.
- I remember one time
there were these
two huge African men
who managed to squeeze themselves
into... this tiny box.
- How long was they in there for?
- 15 hours.
- It was incredibly emotional.
- It must've hurt.
- It still does.
- Sorry.
So, John, what are we going to do
about these asylum seekers?
We can't let them all in,
it would cripple the economy.
Oooh!
- Yes, Ali?
- Let's think about this.
What's the main thing
we ain't got enough of in the UK?
- Hospitals.
- No.
- Libraries?
- Behave!
We ain't got enough fit women.
And we's got too many mingers.
No offence, Karen.
So we let in all the fit refugees
and turn away the rank ones.
Then we solve both problems.
We is knobbing two birds
with one connie.
- This is ludicrous.
- What do you think?
I think... we should keep it real.
Fit.
Fit... fit.
Wait.
Back to Slovenia.
Education standards
are at their lowest for 15 years.
That is because kids is learning
stuff that ain't no use to them.
Who here has ever used maths?
Or English?
Exactly. Let's start
making education relevant.
If Kevin buys six ounces
of Jamaican sinsemilla from Fat Tony
for $480 cash in hand,
and has to divide it
amongst 11 of his customers,
how much should he charge
for an eighth
so he can make $100 profit
to pay off his child support?
The situation in Northern Ireland
is spiralling out of control.
Hear me now.
The only way you is ever gonna get
Hindus to stop killing Islams...
- Catholics fighting Protestants.
- Whatever.
...is to get some really fit woman
to get her babylons out for peace.
- Prime Minister...
- Not you, love.
The army is costing the British
taxpayer $4.2 billion a year.
How will the government
reduce this figure?
We is gonna hire the A-Team.
Her Majesty the Queen.
Your Majesty, may I introduce
Ali G, MP for Staines?
Hello, cheeky. You is much fitter
than you look on them coins.
Next time me put a 50p piece
in me pocket
me will feel honoured having
your head so close to me nuts.
Nothing's working, the jobless
figures are at their highest level.
The UK has a special relationship
with the US. Do you like Bush?
Me love bush. Me love anything that
gives foliage to the punani area.
Would you do a dance for me, please?
- Oh, my God.
- Shaven haven. Respect.
- 'As Ali G's influence grows... '
- '... a 12-point lead.'
'The Queen says
he's a breath of fresh air.'
- 'Ali G mania sweeps the UK.'
- 'Charismatic MP Ali G... '
"As of 12 o'clock,
all Rizlas will be free.
"To discourage their use, there
will be a levy of 25p on panties.
"This will exclude thongs.
"As for the health service,
"marijuana will be made available
free on the NHS
"for the treatment of chronic
diseases such as itchy scrot.
- "Furthermore, I am a bell end..."
- (Ali laughing)
- I can't be expected...
- Get along, David.
"I like to take it up da batty.
"Yes, I do. It feel really nice
and is me favourite.
"I used to be a girl
and wear knicks. Honest.
"Ask me mum."
(Laughter)
War looms in Central Africa.
Britain to host a peace conference.
A triumphant budget
from Britain's most controversial MP.
(TV off)
(# Nelly: El)
# Unh unh-unh-unh-unh,
unh, wait a minute now
# Uh-oh
# Unh, unh
# Can y'all hear me?
# Unh, unh
# Is y'all ready?
# Let me hear ya
# Uh-oh... #
A fancy frock don't make up for
months of neglect.
Me know.
This is new to me
so don't leave me on my own.
Don't worry, baby.
(Chatter, string quartet playing)
It's the Prime Minister,
let me get his autograph.
- Boss, this is me Julie.
- Lovely.
Should we meet our delegates?
President Wattana from Thailand.
- It is an honour to meet you.
- Thai, aight? Present.
Let's move along. Do forgive me.
This is the Mongolian delegate.
Is you a genuine mong?
That is fantastic that you lot
is also being represented here.
(Speaks Mongolian)
I will... go and get you...
some nice... crayons.
Shall we carry on?
Thank you, do forgive me.
They really can do anything.
This is Borat from Kazakhstan.
Jagshemash.
- Bless you.
- It is nice to meet you.
Get off, you batty boy!
Ali, all right. Please forgive me.
You are a cocksucker.
Bonjour.
Canape, sir?
Me Julie.
Julie.
(Sobbing)
Hello?
What you doing up here? Why not
stay downstairs with that posh girl?
- We was talking about politics.
- I ain't interested, just shut up!
Well, me won't speak no more.
You really are a prat.
Now, come here.
We can't. This is the PM's bedroom.
Well...
Why don't you pretend to be
the Prime Minister?
Cheeky.
(Julie giggles)
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
In advance of tomorrow's summit,
I shall be having private talks
with both parties.
First, President Mwepu,
would you care to join me upstairs?
- A pleasure.
- Thank you.
(Julie moaning, bed springs creaking)
(Banging, chandeliers clinking)
(Man moaning)
(Banging and moaning crescendos)
(Crash, then silence)
I must say, I enjoyed that.
(Prime Minister) So did I.
I'm so glad we thrashed it out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want everyone here to know
that President Mwepu here
is a very big man.
And I would like you to know that
the Prime Minister was very hard
- but very straight.
- (All gasping)
The President was very much on top
to start off with
but I don't mind telling you,
I was in a deep hole.
- Oh, very deep.
- (Gasping)
We had some sticky patches
but I'm delighted to say
- we came together in the end.
- (Gasping)
Yes, I lapped up everything
that you had to offer.
Now President Oompeba,
would you care to join me upstairs?
No bloody way.
Can I come?
Come on, honey, let's go home.
- I'll cook you up your favourite.
- Angel Delight?
Yeah, butterscotch.
(Both) Mmmm. Butterscotch.
This bit is for the girls,
to show that me can be
well sensitive.
By the way, if any of you bitches
is fit and into doggy,
here is me mobile number.
Callers must be over 16.
But not by too much.
Me can't. They need me at
the peace conference tomorrow.
You what? What about the people
who really need you?
What about Ricky?
What about Dave?
What about me, Ali?
Please come back to Staines.
The world is bigger than Staines.
And me gotta save it.
You'll have to do it
on your own, then.
Me Julie. Me Julie?
Let me call you back.
We've gotta get rid of him
before the centre's saved.
- What I thought...
- You thought?!
The US will do everything
in its power
to support Chad in its struggle
against its neighbours.
Russia will not allow this
Western oppression to continue
and in order to support
Burkina Faso,
is prepared to utilise
all our military capabilities.
- That's outrageous!
- How can you make such a statement?
- Ali, Ali, Ali.
- (Jungle beats from headphones)
- Armageddon's breaking out, help.
- Sure, bro.
The United States
will not be intimidated.
We will meet any show of force
with our full military might!
(Angry shouting)
Oi!
You know why they is shouting?
They ain't been fed their teas.
Come on, choppy chop.
(Shouting continues)
Moving to a motion,
all those in favour of sending Iran
to the gas station
to get some potato chips
and chocolate, raise your hand.
For real.
(Giggling)
Oh, bummer.
# Tease me, tease me, tease me,
tease me, baby... #
I'm sorry we invaded you.
It was really uncool.
Who cares? It's all in the past.
If I was going to be invaded
by anyone,
I am happy it was you.
You are really cool.
You have nice clothes.
- You saved my white ass, Ali.
- No problem, bredrin.
Big up the herbal tea, aight?
Hey, you, Britain!
Respect.
How does he do it?
#... catchin' a big fish
# Yes, you are on top
of my romance list
# Second to none,
you defeat the favourite
# Woman, your love
is like burnin' fire in my soul
# Woman, tease me
till me lose control
# Woman, your love is like
burnin' fire in me soul
# Woman, tease me
till me lose control
# Tease me, tease me, tease me,
tease me, baby #
We're quite a team, Ali.
Thanks to you we're 22 points ahead.
- I'm gonna save your centre.
- Wicked! Bo! Bo! Bo!
(Ali) Check out all the Peperami!
(PM) For you - this is your moment.
(Shouting)
Will you comment on accusations
that you drugged the world leaders?
- You what?
- Our evidence proves you're guilty.
Er...
"Our evidence proves you're guilty."
- This is just childish.
- "This is just childish!"
By employing this rhetorical tactic
you incriminate yourself further.
By... tactic... your father.
This bag was sent to my office
anonymously.
Do you deny that you stole it
from Customs & Excise?
That could be anyone's.
I is gotta go. I is turtling.
I is actually touching cloth.
A few more questions!
There goes your leisure centre.
Clear your desk before you go.
Prime Minister.
Big up yourself, Ali.
- It won't be the same without you.
- We'll miss you, Mr G. Respect.
- Booyakasha.
- Westside.
(Children shouting and playing)
Flippin' heck.
Nan, can I borrow your car?
# What would I be without my baby?
# The thought alone might break me
# And I don't wanna go crazy
# But every thug needs a lady
# Girl, it feel like you and I been
mourning together
# Inseparable, we chose pain
over pleasure
# For that you'll forever be
a part of me
# Mind body and soul
ain't no I in we, baby
# Where would I be without you?
# I only think about you
# I know you're tired of being lonely
# So baby girl, put it on me
# What would I be without you?
# I only think about you... #
(# The Commodores:
Three Times A Lady)
# Thanks for the times
that you've given me
# The memories are all in my mind
# You're once
# Twice
# Three times a lady
(Doorbell)
- # And I lo... #
- (Music off)
Having a bad day? Maybe I can help.
- Is it nippy outside?
- Very.
- What is you doing here?
- Let me show you.
'So today's main news again.
'The Prime Minister has resigned
after the discovery of security tape
'showing him having perverse sexual
intercourse with a prostitute.'
(Frantic moaning)
That's no prostitute, that's me ho!
'As of now the Deputy Prime Minister
will be acting Prime Minister.'
That ain't fair, that weren't the
PM. Where's the rest of the tape?
My boss has locked it
in a safe at Chequers,
- where it's staying.
- You won't get away with this.
If you keep your mouth shut,
David's willing to be very generous.
I'm willing to be very generous.
(Slurping)
All that you have to do
is keep your mouth... shut.
- I'm tuning up my engine, Ali.
- (Slurping)
Fill me with petrol.
I is gonna pump you
with me five-star unleaded, aight!
- Let me see your nozzle.
- What?
You wanna see me knob? All right.
(# Another Level: Freak Me)
# Let me lick you up and down
# Till you say stop
# Let me play with your body, baby
# Make you real hot
# Let me do all the things
you want me to do
# Cos tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you
# Baby, don't you understand?
# I wanna be your nasty man... #
- (Music stops)
- Give me your fuel injection.
'Ln tomorrow's phone-in, we ask,
'have you ever slept with a pig?
I certainly have.'
(Judy) 'And we'll find out what
turns girls like this into slags.'
No one calls me Julie a slag.
Come to mama.
Take them off.
(# Betty Boo: Where Are You Baby)
# You drive me crazy
Somebody tell me where he's gone
# Where are you, baby?
We used to have so much fun
# You drive me crazy... #
(Kids chanting) 'Keep it real!
Keep it real! Keep it real! '
This ain't right. Here...
Set it to vibrate
and finish yourself off.
(Grunting in pain)
Open up!
Yo, blood, I need your help.
Everyone's calling me Julie a slag.
They heard about our three-header?
What three-header?
Anyways, I can prove she ain't.
Bredrin, we gotta restart
Drive-By FM. What ya say?
- Drive-By FM is back!
- Wicked!
- Let's go.
- Is you any good at knots?
Yo, hear me now,
hear me now, rewind.
This is Drive-By FM,
the sound of the ghetto,
from deep in the heart of Berkshire.
(Both imitating automatic gunfire)
Phut-phut-phut-phut,
phut-phut-phut-phut!
- What was that?
- Helicopter.
Oh, you was doing the wings.
That's good.
Hear me now, gangstas. There is
some serious shit going down.
The Prime Minister, check it,
has been chucked out by a geezer
who is a massive dong.
He is even more eviller
than Skeletor.
To get the PM back in,
me needs to get hold of this tape
of me knobbing me bitch.
If you help me rescue this video,
we can save the country.
- Plus you will see Julie's babylons.
- Wicked!
That is why I is calling all of you
to end the Berkshire tuf wars.
There has been enough
brothers slain.
So put down your AKs,
lay down your Uzis,
and unite
into one massive...
massive.
- 'So big up the Eton Wick Crew.'
- 'Hold tight.'
'Hold tight the lver Heath Posse.'
Shout going out
to the Englefield Green Massiv.
And me never thought
me would ever say this...
but big up the East Staines Massiv.
- Ali, what you doing, man?
- Shh.
Hear this, Hassan B.
If you join us,
then I is prepared to hand over
the Boris the Spider climbing frame
in Leagrove Park.
Let's do what Tupac and Biggie
never managed. Aight?
If you is joining
this military operation,
meet up in camouflage
at John Nike Leisure Centre,
nine tomorrow morning.
That's a bit early.
Can we make it 12?
Sorry I is late.
But there was something on the telly
about monkeys.
They is well funny, what?
With their arms and...
Respect for wearing camouflage.
It will help you go undetected.
Now, let's go to Chequers
and rescue that tape.
Let's do this for Britain.
Let's do this for me Julie.
And let's do this for hip-hop!
Selecta!
Selecta!
(# Public Enemy: Fight The Power)
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power #
I has drawn up
a detailed plan of Chequers.
The tape is in the PM's office,
in a safe.
First up, Ricky, Dave and me
will go in.
Jezzy, you stay here.
We's gonna be like the A-Team.
- And I is BA Baracus.
- I wanna be BA Baracus.
Urgh.
But I is very much like him.
"I ain't gettin' in no plane."
Uh-uh -
"I ain't gettin' in no plane!"
- "I ain't gettin' in no plane!"
- "Shut up, fool."
Look, gold.
"I ain't gettin' in no plane!"
- "Step back, kiss myself."
- That's James Brown.
You'll be Murdock.
Dave, you'll be Face.
- What do we do?
- Stay here and we all hide
and blend into the natural habitat.
'Then, when it gets dark,
me will make the secret signal.'
(Beatboxing)
Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, rewind.
Let's go!
(Ali) 'Then tune all your radios
to the baddest street garage station
'and crank up the volume to the max.
'This will bring out the guards
'and at that point we will use
our cunning to overpower them.'
- Bundle!
- (Shouting)
(Phone ringing)
- Sir?
- What's going on?
'I'm sure it's nothing
but I've sent some men out.'
I want maximum security.
Patrol the house.
(Ali) 'The Great Hall is exactly
like the one in Lara Croft's house
'in Tomb Raider 2 on PlayStation.
'So Dave, if you run at the pillar,
that goes to the underwater kingdom
'and on to the next level.'
- (Crash)
- Urgh.
'Lf that don't work, we must somehow
cross the touch-sensitive floor.
'Lf we lift our feet at all,
we're dead.'
(# West Street Mob:
Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)
# Electric boogie, break dance,
electric boogie, break dance... #
(Trainers squeaking)
Nothing. We'll keep on looking.
'Next up, we is gotta go through
the laser room.
'Dave, you'll use your
special skills to help us through.'
Remember, if we break any beams
it will set the alarms off,
so extra careful. Now, let's do it.
(# Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)
# This is the funk, now hit me
# Just get on down and hit me
# Their bodies getting so funky,
now hit me
# You gotta rock it don't stop it,
you gotta rock it don't stop it
# You gotta rock it don't stop it,
you gotta rock it don't stop #
'This must be the PM's office.
The tape is in there.'
Intruders in my office. This is
a terrorist attack, shoot on sight.
Repeat, shoot on sight.
- Ah, safe.
- Yeah, safe, man.
- No, the safe.
- Yeah, I is safe. Open that.
- Ali, this safe.
- Yeah, I is feeling fine.
- The safe, the safe.
- Yeah, man, I is safe!
(High-pitched) Behind you!
Hold on.
I thought you couldn't speak.
I've just always been terribly
embarrassed about my voice.
All right, don't go on about it.
Stop giving it all that.
Now, if me can just interrupt
your life story for one second...
let's tie these geezers up
and get that safe open.
No.
I got it. Link up the batteries
of all the cars outside,
transfer the current
through a human chain
and blow this mother open!
- Won't we get electricalocuted?
- We won't get fried
cos we've got rubber-soled trainers.
Trust me, I got a D in physics.
Wicked. I'll text them.
(Beeping)
No, b-eight-two-rez - be-attories,
batteries.
Me was trying to save time.
Bambaclat.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on.
Your voice!
Switch on the engine, pass it on.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on...
- Bitch on a pension, suck my dong.
- What?
- Should I turn the engine on?
- Yeah.
(Engines roar)
(# Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)
# This is the funk, now hit me
# Just get on down and hit me... #
- What is you doing?
- I'm being pulled!
No!
(Choir) # He's our saviour #
- Ha-ha! Bo! Bo!
- (All cheering)
We open up the safe!
- Peace, man.
- Peace, bredrin.
Ali! Ali!
- The tape ain't here.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Look for yourself.
All it is is some photographs...
Eugh.
And there's a map of Staines.
Jah Ras Tafari, Haile Selassie.
They is extending Heathrow Airport.
That means...
they is gonna destroy Staines.
And they is starting in...
three hours.
(David) Two hours, 57 minutes,
to be precise.
Why build it over Staines?
Because I have bought 600 acres
of land there. Give me those.
Don't try escaping because this room
doubles as a nuclear bunker.
It is completely impenetrable
to the outside world.
And I've forgotten to put on
the air supply.
Why don't you nip out now
and stick it on?
You really are unbelievably stupid.
(Ali) Oi! Knob-end!
- What?
- Give me them plans.
- Or what?
- Or nipple cripple, that's what.
Chinese burn!
(Wails)
You hurt my nose,
you fucking nutcase.
Look behind you because there's
a thousand police officers.
Look behind you,
there's Jennifer Lopez.
What? You want to bone him right
this second cos you is so horny?
Look, there's 20 squid on the floor.
There's a squirrel
with the head of a chicken
and with, like,
wings and everything that's just...
- Is you gonna hit me again?
- Mmm.
Now I'm going to shoot you.
Booyakasha!
(Groans)
This is from the people of Staines.
(Air hissing)
(Tiny fart)
Ooh. I think I followed through.
(Ali) 'Me Julie, you there?
Me know what you must think of me.
'I been a piece of knob cheese but
me got to save Staines with your help
'and I has shat meself.'
Shit. Ricky and Dave!
Ricky?
(Panting)
We thought if we was gonna die
we might as well give it a go.
- Well, what's it like?
- It's not bad.
- Dave?
- Quite nice, actually.
We'll talk about this later.
We gotta save Staines.
Two minutes, see you in the car?
Be quick. The Feds is coming and
you don't want to finish up inside.
(Women shouting) Save our centre!
Save our centre!
Hold on tight.
Leave 'em alone,
you pigs, they're senile!
Send in, send in!
I wouldn't do that if I was you.
Ali! I love you!
Juliiieeee!
- Hello.
- Start the demolition.
Wait! Don't listen to him!
He's a criminal.
And not even the good kind
that sell drugs or do drive-bys.
I is got proof here that he is
trying to destroy Staines.
So what? It's a shithole.
- Arrest them.
- Oh, shit. We is going to jail.
Every day for the next 20 years
we'll get bummed in the showers.
- Hold it. Release him.
- (David) Under what authority?
I'm the acting Prime Minister.
You are the disgraced one.
Disgraced by you.
And this tape proves it.
- Kate.
- No, David.
When I first entered politics,
it was to create a better world,
a world of honesty,
integrity and truth.
But somewhere along the way
that vision was lost.
My dream was tarnished
and instead I discovered greed,
- avarice and corruption...
- Boring!
Arrest him.
Enjoy your life with this fool.
You two deserve each other.
Piss off.
Oh, nice!
We're not going to build Terminal 5
over Staines.
- We'll demolish Slough instead.
- Wicked.
As of now I need
a new Deputy Prime Minister.
How do you feel about being
my right-hand man?
Right-hand man!
Batty boy, batty boy!
What do you say, Ali?
I has shown you the way.
You'll have to carry on the journey
by yourself now.
As for me,
I is gonna stick with me posse
and me bi...
me lady.
(Ali) 'Ahem. Actually, there is
one thing you could do for me.'
(# Third World: Reggae Ambassador)
Mr Ambassador.
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador... #
- Your crop is ready for inspection.
- Bo.
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador
# Baby, reggae music
in-a any condition
# Drop it in a style,
drop it in a fashion... #
(All) Good morning, Ambassador.
Ambassador,
will you try the harvest?
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, yeah
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, yeah
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, yeah
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador #
This is good shit.
The man from Staines, he say yeah!
(# Montell Jordan:
This Is How We Do lt)
# This is how we do it... #
Ice, please.
Ali, this is a great Jacuzzi.
That ain't a Jacuzzi.
Sorry.
# The party's here on the westside
# So I reach for my 40
and I turn it up
# Designated driver,
take the keys to my truck
# Hit the shore cos I'm faded
# Honeys in the street say,
"Monty, yo, we made it!"...#
# The summertime skirts
and the guys in Kani
# All the gang-bangers
forgot about the drive-by
# You gotta get your groove on
before you go get paid... #
Bring her in.
# Let me hear the party say... #
Dance for me, bitch.
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# Let's flip the track,
bring the old school back
# This is how we do it... #
Me Julie,
me got something to ask you.
Will you make me
the happiest man in the world?
Yeah, I will.
Let me shag her, then.
(Mis-teeq)
# This is how we do it in a UK vibe
# This is how we do it
# Su-Elise, Alesha
and Sabrina tonight
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it,
it's Friday night
# And I feel all right
# The party's here
on the westside... #
So, what did you think of the film?
It weren't bad, was it?
It was easily better than
Harry Potter,
which me thought was very childish.
If you is watching this, Potter,
I is better than you.
You probably ain't even
slept with a girl.
I has slept with three.
And I got one of them
to play with herself.
Whatever you thought of this film,
please tell your mates it was wicked
cos if this flops, me won't be able
to get me nan a new hip.
So the choice is yours. No pressure.
Nan, come tell them about it.
What? You is fallen over again?
You done the other one in as well?
Don't cry there, all mashed up,
a lump of bones.
Me will get you the cash
to make it better, somehow.
Don't be selfish.
Buy the merchandise and all.
lovespiral@mail.ru
(# Shaggy and Ali G: Me Julie)
# Ali G. Shut it!
# Let's start right now, ya hear me?
# A to the L to the I to the G-sy
# J to the U to the L-I easy
# S to the H to the A double-G-sy Y
# Oh, boys getting busy
# I need a cure
for this thing I'm feelin'
# Shaggy need some sexual healin'
# I wanna reach and touch the ceilin'
# When I'm lovin' my Julie
# Aight!
# Me, I've been kickin'
at the late night dealin'
# Worse now,
it's just a piece I'm stealin'
# I see your sex
and Mr Lover believin'
# When I'm lockin' my Julie
# Aight
# Julie, you know me love-a you truly
# From my head down to me goolies
# Woman, you turn me on
with your big babylons
# Me Julie, you got
the sweetest coolies
# When me touch it with me goolies
(Ali) # Hey, Shaggy, me can rap too.
# Yo, yo, yo
# You is better than J-Lo,
next to you she's just a minger
# Fit as Destiny's Child,
well, apart from the lead singer
# You is fitter than the Spice Girls
including the Ginger
# Give it a shave,
cos me wanna be in ya
# They always claimed
that our love was wrong, uh
# The people just stared
and said it was too long, but
# It ain't crap to have a 12-inch
# Dong, d-dong, dong, dong
# Julie, you know me love-a you truly
# From my head down to me goolies
# Woman, you turn me on
with your big babylons
# Me Julie, you got
the sweetest coolies
# When me touch it with me goolies
# Cos you turn me on
with your big babylons #
(# Mis-teeq: This Is How We Do it)
# This is how we do it in a UK vibe
# This is how we do it
# It's the Mis-teeq
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it,
it's Friday night
# And I feel all right
# The party's here on the westside
# So I reach for my 40
and I turn it up
# Designated driver,
turn the key to my truck
# Hit the shore cos I'm faded
# Guys in the street say
"Girls, yo, you made it."
# It feels so good in my hood tonight
# The summertime skirts
and the guys in Kani
# All the gang-bangers
forgot about the drive-by
# You gotta get your groove on
before you go and get paid
# So tip up your cup
and throw your hands up
# And let me hear the party say
# I'm kinda buzzed
and it's all because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# So flip the track,
bring the old school back
# This is how we do it
# Oh, I'm dancin' because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# L-O-N-D-O-N
# This is how we do it
# I'll never come back
on an old school track
# This is how we do it
# Check it out
# Once upon a time in '94
# Mis-teeq made no money
and life sure was slow
# And all they said
was five-eight we stood
# And people thought
the music that we made was good
# There lived a DJ, PDS was his name
# He came up to me
and this is what he said
# You and them girls are gonna make
some cash
# Sell a million records
and we'll make it in a dash
# Whoa, I'm buzzin' because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# L-O-N-D-O-N
# This is how we do it
# I'll never come back
on an old school track
# This is how we do it
# I'm kinda buzzin'
and it's all because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# So flip the track,
bring the old school back
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it
# Mis-teeq does it like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# We'll never come back
on an old school track
# This is how we do it #
(Tyres squeal)
(Helicopter passing)
(Police radio)
'You are now about to witness
the strength of street knowledge.'
(# NWA: Straight Outta Compton)
# I'm comin'
straight outta Compton...
'When somethin' happens
in South Central Los Angeles
'nothin' happens,
it's just another nigger dead.'
# Straight outta Compton,
crazy mothefucker named Ice Cube
# From the gang called
Niggaz With Attitude
# AK-47 is the tool
# Don't make me act
the mothefuckin' fool
# As I leave, believe I'm stompin'
# But when I come back, boy,
I'm comin' straight outta Compton #
- ? Y que mira?
- ! Si, gozale!
My friend saw you
with Ramon Camacho.
- It ain't true, Ricco.
- Shut up, ho!
It's time to teach you two a lesson.
I wouldn't do that if I was you.
Step back unless you want me
to bust a cap in your ass.
This is my hood
and these girls belong to me.
Belong?
That is a very sexist way
to talk about these bitches.
Hola.! Ay que rico estas, papito!
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ali.
J'habite in Staines.
(Hawks repeatedly)
You made me use me last tissue.
Me ain't got another one now.
Hijo su chingada madre.
? Te crees chingon, cabron?
No sabes que te puedo matar,
pinche canario.
You what? Speak to the hand
cos the face, it ain't listening.
! Matalo!
Ooh!
Sorry.
No!
Remember, life is the most
precious gift that Jah has given us.
(lmitates machine gun)
(Derisive laughter)
(Panicked shouting)
Unlucky.
You saved us.
I just really want to thank you.
- (Zip)
- ! Ay, Dios mio!
That's gonna need the two of us.
Here, let me help you with that.
(# Missy Elliot: One Minute Man)
#... make you want me
# And I'm-a give you
some attention... #
That's very nice.
Yes, please.
Thank you very much. That's good.
(2 Pac whines)
Whatever.
(Licking)
Yeah, baby, play with the balls.
(Knocking)
- Ali, are you awake?
- For real.
Ali-Pally, do you know how late it
is? You're still in bed, all asleep.
- Sorry, Nan.
- (Growling)
# It's nice to get up in the morning
in the good old summertime
# Four and five and six o'clock
in the good old summertime
- (Snarling)
- # When the winter comes...
# It's nice to get up
in the morning...
# But better to stay in bed #
(Thud)
(Moans) That's better.
It's not nice to play with your
poopik when Nana's in the room.
- You're teaching your class today.
- Wicked.
Out of bed, choppy chop.
# Wicked, wicked
# Junglist massive
# Wicked, wicked
# Junglist massive
# Wicked, wicked
# Junglist massive
# Wicked, original...
(# Banging jungle beats,
ragga rapping)
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Booyaka! Booyaka!
# Incredible... #
(Drowned out by music)
- Yo, yo! Aight?
- Aight!
Urgh.
Respect.
So, what's going down
in Staines town, my nigger?
Nigger, we just be kicking back,
sucking on some gin and juice.
Laid-back.
- Aight.
- For real.
Jezzy, is you wearing green?
I knew it. You is defected
to the lver Heath posse, innit?
- Let's stab him.
- Wait!
Me mum washed me yellow top with
my brother's blue football socks.
All right. But you tell that slag
that in the ghetto,
washing non-coloufast synthetics
at 60 degrees could be fatal.
Will you boys move?
I've told you it's a fire risk.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, what's the problem?
Four brothers chilling out,
maxing, relaxing,
it ain't too taxing.
Boof!
- Move!
- We'll sit on the bench. Yes.
(# Thumping bass)
The East Staines Massiv.
If it ain't the West Staines Massiv
outside their precious centre.
Booyakasha!
Wickety-wackety-sha! Boo!
Eastside is the best. (Kisses teeth)
Westside is the best.
(Lips squeaking)
- Eastside is the best.
- Westside is the best.
- Westside is the best.
- Eastside is the best.
Shit, I meant Westside is the best.
Anyways, you is on our tuf.
Once you pass
the Bumblebees Day Nursery,
just before the mini-roundabout,
then you is in the Westside.
- We don't care.
- Oh, yeah?
Your mama is so fat
that when she volunteered to clean
the cages at the zoo,
people them-a walk by and say,
"Look at that hippopotamus."
That ain't fair. It's glandular.
- Let's leave these batty boys.
- Your mama's a batty boy.
(# So Solid Crew: Ride Wid Us)
Oooh!
Slow down!
(Horn toots)
Stop!
- Eastside!
- He's gonna get himself killed.
Yo, yo, G, it's the LAPD.
Yeah? And?
Oh, man, you are one bad mofo.
I is feeling it. You rocking it?
- I'm feeling it.
- I'm checking it.
- I'm kissing it.
- I'm checking it.
(Sings drum'n'bass beat)
- Wicked!
- (Sings beat)
Wicked!
Wicked now, wicked now, wicked!
# Me got the chick-ahn,
me like the chick-ahn!
# Me got the chicken-wicken,
a-rockin' and a-pickin'
# Me got...
# A to the L to the I to the G,
Ali G, that's me, that's me
# A to the L to the I to the G,
that's G - that's me, that's me
# R to the I to the C
to the K to the Y
# That's Ricky C
Ricky C to the C to the C
# Ricky C... #
Wait. I is gonna be late
for me class. Let's go.
Crack cocaine
is destroying our community.
So when a brother makes it through,
they deserve our respect.
So let's big it up for Darren,
who's been clean and off the crack
now for eight years.
- Eight and three-quarter years.
- Whatever.
Me don't wanna say this but
most of you ain't never gonna see 11.
Booka!
Drive-bys.
- Look, he's crying. Homo! Homo!
- Hey!
We'll have none of that
language here. The word is batty boy.
(All chant) Batty boy! Batty boy!
Better. Everybody up!
Time to give out this week's badges.
First, big it up
for me main man Andy,
who has finally got
his Hot-Wiring badge
and his Advanced Swearing badge.
- Shit off, you hairy dog's cock.
- Respect.
Since you has got your fifth badge,
you has earned your second slit.
Hopefully one day
you'll get to be Tyrone's level.
If you gets any better,
we'll have to start doing your pubes.
- I don't have any.
- Well, I is got millions.
Now, remember -
without realness, we is nothing.
So, posse, keep it real!
(All chant) Keep it real!
On the streets, your homie
would take a cap in his ass for you.
So let's start with
a very basic trust exercise.
- One, two, three.
- Ali, can I have a word?
- Sure.
- It's about the centre.
I know how much these classes
mean to you
- and how much the kids enjoy them.
- (Groaning)
But the government's withdrawn
our funding.
They're closing down
the John Nike Leisure Centre.
You what? How is these kids meant
to make it out of the ghetto now?
- They'll have to go somewhere else.
- Somewhere else?
Do you know what this centre
means to them? And to me?
This is the spiritual home
of the West Staines Massiv.
This is like what Mecca is
to the Jews.
It's like what Kentucky is
to chickens.
And it was here when me
first felt me Julie's... (Whistles)
Ali, there's nothing you can do.
Now, you better go and tell the kids.
I ain't never gonna let them
close us down.
Keep it real, yeah?
(Woman) 'Dinner with
the Belgian prime minister at eight.
'And the Deputy Prime Minister
wishes to speak to you.'
- Has he heard the poll results yet?
- Yes, I wish I hadn't.
Gallup puts us 22 points behind.
- And MORI?
- 23 points behind.
The youth vote's
deserting us in droves.
Focus groups say we're out of touch.
- We are.
- Don't be silly.
Will we lose this by-election?
We haven't lost Staines in 20 years
and we're not about to start.
We just have an image problem.
We have to find a candidate
who will improve that image.
Somebody young.
- Somebody ethnic.
- Somebody in touch.
- Exactly.
- You're right.
We need an intellectually superior
candidate to guarantee us victory.
- Easy now, Mrs Hugh.
- Booyakasha.
- Is me Julie about?
- She's upstairs.
Hello, baby, I's been missing you
so much today.
You is looking so fine. All I want
to do is pull your panties down...
Ali.
- Hello, me Julie.
- Stop feeling up Nina.
- I got confused.
- You're never confused with Tracey.
- Hello, Ali.
- Hello.
You know you is me only bitch.
Ho. Lady?
When me close me eyes,
you is the only girl me think about.
# Gal flex, time to have sex
# Jump in my Lex, steam a blunt,
pop a vex
# Now you know that my style
is rated XX... #
- Ali, open your eyes.
- Sorry, there was something in them.
Because there's these fleas
going around,
two of them, coming in again
and they're in me eyes!
# Open up dem legs a-wider... #
You've been a very bad boy
and you need to be punished.
- Are you a bad boy?
- Yes, I am.
My skin is so dry.
So for being a bad boy,
I want you to rub oil into me,
paying special attention
to my breasts and my batty crease.
OK, I will do that.
But first, I want you to
take your hat off, you naughty boy.
But me never take me hat off.
You take that off
and I'll take these off.
OK.
Now I'm going to milk you.
- (Julie) 'Ali.'
- Give me one more sec.
- Behave, Alistair.
- J-Lo.
They is closing down the centre.
I is gonna go on hunger strike
until they save it... or until I die.
So just in case I do join Tupac
and Biggie in that ghetto in the sky,
I's come here to bone you
one last time.
Mr Johnson might have something
to say about that.
- Can I watch?
- I got not problem with that.
Ali!
Don't do nothing stupid, all right?
Hear me now.
She ain't really me Julie.
In real life I is going out
with someone much fitter.
But they do that
to make me more accessible.
Which means you girls think I will
knob you, even if you is a minger.
OK, you got ten seconds
till you start.
(Muffled) More! More!
OK, and go.
Mr G, why are you on hunger strike?
(Muffled) In the struggle for...
In the struggle for justice,
I is willing to lay down me life.
Just like
Martin Luther... Vandross did.
Local party chairman Alan Swan
has some names for the by-election.
This is a great honour.
I've always admired...
- The names, Swan.
- Right. Well, er...
There are three really outstanding
candidates that match your criteria.
Top of the list is Andrew Hamilton,
PhD political science,
studied PPE at Oxford,
gained a starred first.
Have you tried these new
chicken dippers?
- They're really good.
- What sauce are you going for?
I think it's barbecue.
(Roars and moans)
I can't take it!
(Ali roars)
Chicken dippers!
- Good, we can go home now.
- Oh, nips.
I'll get the keys, yeah?
Starting again from... now!
# Bring it! What? We right here... #
No.
# We right here,
this is ours and we don't share #
- What has we got here, then?
- I is doing a serious protest.
In that case, we'll leave you to it.
Oh, thanks.
There was just one thing, though.
(All laughing)
#... joint made this year
that'll knock till 2003
# Y'all gonna see
that the hottest nigger out there
# Was and will be me
# Just like that
# I can go away for a minute
# Do some other shit
but bounce right back... #
(Disappointed groan)
Grow, Biggie, grow.
I has gotta get a semi lob-on.
Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez lezzing off with the
big-thighed one in Destiny's Child.
Look here now!
Look at my massive beast!
(All screaming)
You filthy animal!
(lrish accent)
Oh, Shep, this rail is very dirty.
It's going to need
a lot of polishing.
(Moaning)
PhD in economics,
three years at Harvard, age 34...
Swan? Is there any reason
why there should be
an absurdly dressed,
half-naked man chained to a fence
being tossed off
by an old, blind council worker?
(Ali moaning)
Ignore him. It's the local idiot
making some pathetic protest.
Unchain him and bring him in here.
- But I'm trying to...
- Bring him in, Swan.
Straight ahead
at the top of the stairs.
# Freak me, baby
# Yeah, just like that
# Freak me, baby
# Come on, come on
# Freak me, baby
# Let me lick you up and down
# Till you say stop
# Let me play with your body, baby
# Make you real hot #
# Let me do all the tings
you want me to do
# Cos tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you #
I'm Kate Hedges, the Deputy
Prime Minister's secretary.
Come in
and you can pull your pants up now.
Hello, I'm David Carlton,
the Deputy Prime Minister.
Hello.
I is Ali G, the dominating MC.
Making bitches touch their punani.
- The number after two, it be...
- Three.
Not Ali A, not Ali B,
not Ali C, not Ali D,
not Ali...
E...
not Ali...
(Hums alphabet song)
F...
- but Ali...
- G.
Bo! Your rhymes is tight
for a honkey, yes, sir.
That's his full name and address.
Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?
I is recently gone on the dole.
- When?
- Eight years and three months ago.
It says here you claim disability.
Are you...?
Yes, I is actually spasticated.
I is got a terrible DJing injury
and still ain't got full mobility
in me mixing finger.
Fok-chickety-fok-fok-fresh. Ow.
Everything down there
is still working. Oh, yes. Yes.
Ali, erm... would you sit down?
Please, sit down.
- Would you ever become an MP?
- What for? It's full of pricks.
That's a little harsh.
I'm an MP, am I a prick?
- Yes.
- Let's try a different angle.
Is there nothing
you'd like to change?
Me'd wanna save the John Nike
Leisure Centre, obviously.
As the MP for Staines,
you could achieve that.
Would you stand in this by-election?
Me gotta be honest,
me ain't actually bi.
- Well...
- I mean,
obviously I done it with two girls.
Well, I seen it on the internet.
But me would never feel completely
comfortable being bummed by a man.
A lot of people say never say ever
but me feel strongly that me
exit hole should stay me exit hole
and never become me entry hole,
you know what I is saying?
Yes, yes.
Well, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.
David.
Later, sweetheart.
(Kate) David?
What are you doing? He was
the biggest idiot I have ever met.
- Choose him and we'll never win.
- I know.
There'll be a leadership crisis.
The PM will be out.
And who could possibly replace him?
Ali has two weeks
to lose us 18,000 votes.
Let's get him on the campaign trail.
(# Thumping hip-hop)
Easy, rude boy. Me name be Ali G
and me is here representing Staines.
Can me count on your vote?
- Definitely not.
- Hairy muff.
Seeing as I is here,
could me interest you in
a quarter of Moroccan black?
It's well good shit!
Dave, it's your turn
to shit through the letterbox.
Our anti-bullying programme
has won lots of praise.
Instances of bullying in
this school are at an all-time low.
Jonathan used to suffer terribly
from bullies.
I ain't surprised. Look at him.
Hey, fatty bum bum. Hey, fatty bum
bum. Want another cream cake?
Boiiing! Boiiing! Boiiing!
(Laughs)
He is well fat, though.
All you mothefuckers,
fuck-fuck-fuck fuckers!
Vote for the G, the mothefuckin' G.
Me, the mothefuckin' G.
All the bitches in the house say yo.
Vote for me
cos me know what you lezzers want.
I is a big supporter of your cause
and I is got many of your videos.
If you vote for me, me give you me
pledge to lower taxes on strap-ons.
(Jeering)
Why is you getting so eggy?
Is you all on?
Ladies and gentlemen, to commemorate
the town hall extension,
we're asking all the candidates
to lay down a brick.
Ali, would you lay one for us now?
- What, here?
- We would be honoured.
- In front of everyone?
- Yes.
(Groans of disgust)
Not bad.
This is absolutely vital.
with one day to go
we are eight points behind.
Listen. Did you get the manifesto
that I sent to you?
- You got a roach?
- Er... For real.
(# Reggae)
- You got another roach?
- Yeah, for real.
(Ali) Yeah.
(Ricky) Wicked.
Yes. It was very helpful.
Come with me.
Good luck. Don't hold back.
(# News theme)
In the most crucial by-election
of the past decade,
we're joined by ex-Environment
Secretary David Griffiths
and newcomer Ali G.
This debate will help you
make up your mind.
Ali, if elected,
what would you do for Staines?
Me'd save
the John Nike Leisure Centre.
You can't mean your sole policy
is to save a centre that's barely
used and a terrible drain on funds?
What are your other policies?
- My other policies?
- Yes, you must have some.
Well...
I think it is well important
to reduce inflay-tee-on
and also to invest in the nehuss.
(Ali) The nahuss.
- Oh, the NHS.
- You're reading from my sheet.
No, I ain't. I is thought of them
things meself, you copied from me.
It wasn't me.
Then perhaps you'd tell me
where you stand on the ERM?
No problem. Me thought
their first album was wack.
Me hate all indie music.
The voters deserve better, you're
making a mockery of this debate.
What? Is you looking in the mirror?
You're making it obvious
to the voters what a buffoon you are.
Talking about yourself again?
I think so.
You are an embarrassment
to the people of Staines.
That is not a nice way
to talk about your mum.
I put it to you that you are
the worst possible candidate
ever put forward
by your miserable party.
Well, I put it to you...
that you sucked off a horse.
(Gasping)
I did not, er... suck off a horse.
I have already dealt with this issue
with the party chairman
and as I explained to him,
I was out hunting with a friend
and I slipped onto
the end of a horse's phallus,
which, unfortunately,
owing to it being the mating season,
was aroused.
'Why is he going?
Does he need to go and do a pony?
'Ls that a yes or a neigh?
'Why isn't he speaking?
Is he a bit hoarse?
'Was that a lie or the tr-hoof? '
Tell you what, they ought to read
the gallop polls tomorrow!
'More drama with the unexpected
withdrawal of David Griffiths.
'Tomorrow's vote is now between
Thomas Alvarez and Ali G,
'with the result too close to call.'
Thomas Alvarez,
Liberal Democrat, 5,080 votes.
Alistair Leslie Graham...
Who? What a stupid name.
- (Announcer)... 5,086 votes.
- You won! You did it!
(Announcer) And I now declare
Ali G has been duly elected
as Member of Parliament for Staines.
Do you want to see the new
Member of Parliament, aight?
(Giggling)
(Speaker feedback)
(Ali, amplified) 'Look how I is
touching meself. Do you like that?
'Ls that turning you on? '
(Julie) 'Not really.'
(Ali) 'Mm.
(Silly voice)
'Give a kiss to Mr Gherkin.'
(Julie) 'You're so long and hard! '
(Ali) 'That's the handbrake.'
(Julie) 'Now, let's get jiggy.'
(Ali singing)
# Mr Boombastic, reggae fantastic!
# Take it as a dooby-dooby-doogy
# Mr Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro...
# Mmmmmmantic! #
(Whimpers)
Is it in yet?
Big up yourself. Respect.
- Big up yourself.
- MP for Staines.
I know you. You was the geezer
that did it with that prossie.
Respect.
- Because this government...
- Order! Order!
This government's conduct
of economic policy
has not only been incompetent,
it has been unscrupulous,
untrustworthy and untruthful.
They is dissin' our posse.
I is gonna sort this.
- (Speaker) Order. Order now.
- And look at this!
Order! Order! Will the Member
for Staines return to his seat?
Will the Member for Staines
return to his seat?!
Order! Order in the House!
- What is he doing?
- I'm not sure, Prime Minister.
(All shouting)
- For you to come down to me...
- Shhh.
Relax ya batty.
Look at you!
All you ever do all day long
is cuss each other.
R-E-S-T-E-C-P.
- Do you even know what that spells?
- Restecp?
- Yes. Restecp.
- Restecp.
How's anyone out there
meant to restecp each other
if you lot in here don't even start
restecp-ing one another?
Sergeant, eject him.
Wanna know how to make this country
better? It's simple. Two words.
- Keep it real.
- That's three words.
Don't be a spanner. "lt" ain't
a real word. It's short for "innit".
- Keep it real!
- He is banned from the House.
Is it cos I is black?
What in God's name
have you done to me?
I want that idiot in my office
with his resignation.
Yes, Prime Minister.
- (Knock on door)
- Come in.
- Listen, me know me done wrong.
- Haven't you read the papers?
I can't believe it.
This dog can play table tennis.
- It's the press, they love you.
- But how can he hold the bat?
The Deputy Prime Minister and I
were wondering,
what if I asked you
to join the Cabinet?
No, think about it.
Ali joins the Cabinet,
the two of them are publicly aligned.
Ali slips up,
he takes that old prat with him.
Why would Ali join?
I've told the Prime Minister
to offer to save his leisure centre.
- Are you mad? That would...
- Let me finish.
Offers to save his leisure centre
if Ali gets him a 20-point poll lead.
Now I is in the Cabinet and all,
could I see the red button?
- Can I trust you?
- Yes.
All right. Here we are.
One touch on that red button
could destroy the whole world.
- That is very interesting because...
- No!
Fell for it!
Ali, please, stand away. Dear me.
- Can't we blow up something?
- No!
- Please?
- No.
- Somewhere shitty like Wales.
- Ali.
Their Prime Minister
called your mum a slag.
I am the Prime Minister of Wales!
You shouldn't say that
about your mum.
Your first Cabinet meeting is
Thursday. It's about asylum seekers.
(Prime Minister) I'm sending you
on a fact-finding mission.
Anyone trying to smuggle
will probably come through here.
And it's not just immigrants.
Look at this.
You'll be appalled.
Look at this crap.
Marijuana smuggled in from Europe,
South America and the Middle East.
That is terrible. (Tuts)
- Is there any skunk?
- Yes.
Some scumbag
smuggled in 15 kilos of this.
It's the strongest
super skunk ever discovered.
Over here are the confiscated
weapons and this is where we keep...
(Shouting aggressively)
You must have such a laugh here.
- No, we don't.
- Oh.
Next we have the mountains
of hardcore pornography,
most of it from Germany.
You may want to look away.
No. I is got a job to do.
(Whimpers)
I know. It makes me feel sick, too.
I have to compile me report now,
so if you'd fuck off.
Certainly, sir.
Westminster will be sending down
experts to help with me research.
(Whispering and laughing)
Hello. We is experts.
(Cheesy music, people moaning)
'Sprutze in die Arse! '
Ali, tell us,
what did you find out in Dover?
Me saw a lot of stuff,
most of it from Germany,
of these blokes going in
through the back door.
He's right.
In Germany, I experienced it myself.
- Respect.
- I remember one time
there were these
two huge African men
who managed to squeeze themselves
into... this tiny box.
- How long was they in there for?
- 15 hours.
- It was incredibly emotional.
- It must've hurt.
- It still does.
- Sorry.
So, John, what are we going to do
about these asylum seekers?
We can't let them all in,
it would cripple the economy.
Oooh!
- Yes, Ali?
- Let's think about this.
What's the main thing
we ain't got enough of in the UK?
- Hospitals.
- No.
- Libraries?
- Behave!
We ain't got enough fit women.
And we's got too many mingers.
No offence, Karen.
So we let in all the fit refugees
and turn away the rank ones.
Then we solve both problems.
We is knobbing two birds
with one connie.
- This is ludicrous.
- What do you think?
I think... we should keep it real.
Fit.
Fit... fit.
Wait.
Back to Slovenia.
Education standards
are at their lowest for 15 years.
That is because kids is learning
stuff that ain't no use to them.
Who here has ever used maths?
Or English?
Exactly. Let's start
making education relevant.
If Kevin buys six ounces
of Jamaican sinsemilla from Fat Tony
for $480 cash in hand,
and has to divide it
amongst 11 of his customers,
how much should he charge
for an eighth
so he can make $100 profit
to pay off his child support?
The situation in Northern Ireland
is spiralling out of control.
Hear me now.
The only way you is ever gonna get
Hindus to stop killing Islams...
- Catholics fighting Protestants.
- Whatever.
...is to get some really fit woman
to get her babylons out for peace.
- Prime Minister...
- Not you, love.
The army is costing the British
taxpayer $4.2 billion a year.
How will the government
reduce this figure?
We is gonna hire the A-Team.
Her Majesty the Queen.
Your Majesty, may I introduce
Ali G, MP for Staines?
Hello, cheeky. You is much fitter
than you look on them coins.
Next time me put a 50p piece
in me pocket
me will feel honoured having
your head so close to me nuts.
Nothing's working, the jobless
figures are at their highest level.
The UK has a special relationship
with the US. Do you like Bush?
Me love bush. Me love anything that
gives foliage to the punani area.
Would you do a dance for me, please?
- Oh, my God.
- Shaven haven. Respect.
- 'As Ali G's influence grows... '
- '... a 12-point lead.'
'The Queen says
he's a breath of fresh air.'
- 'Ali G mania sweeps the UK.'
- 'Charismatic MP Ali G... '
"As of 12 o'clock,
all Rizlas will be free.
"To discourage their use, there
will be a levy of 25p on panties.
"This will exclude thongs.
"As for the health service,
"marijuana will be made available
free on the NHS
"for the treatment of chronic
diseases such as itchy scrot.
- "Furthermore, I am a bell end..."
- (Ali laughing)
- I can't be expected...
- Get along, David.
"I like to take it up da batty.
"Yes, I do. It feel really nice
and is me favourite.
"I used to be a girl
and wear knicks. Honest.
"Ask me mum."
(Laughter)
War looms in Central Africa.
Britain to host a peace conference.
A triumphant budget
from Britain's most controversial MP.
(TV off)
(# Nelly: El)
# Unh unh-unh-unh-unh,
unh, wait a minute now
# Uh-oh
# Unh, unh
# Can y'all hear me?
# Unh, unh
# Is y'all ready?
# Let me hear ya
# Uh-oh... #
A fancy frock don't make up for
months of neglect.
Me know.
This is new to me
so don't leave me on my own.
Don't worry, baby.
(Chatter, string quartet playing)
It's the Prime Minister,
let me get his autograph.
- Boss, this is me Julie.
- Lovely.
Should we meet our delegates?
President Wattana from Thailand.
- It is an honour to meet you.
- Thai, aight? Present.
Let's move along. Do forgive me.
This is the Mongolian delegate.
Is you a genuine mong?
That is fantastic that you lot
is also being represented here.
(Speaks Mongolian)
I will... go and get you...
some nice... crayons.
Shall we carry on?
Thank you, do forgive me.
They really can do anything.
This is Borat from Kazakhstan.
Jagshemash.
- Bless you.
- It is nice to meet you.
Get off, you batty boy!
Ali, all right. Please forgive me.
You are a cocksucker.
Bonjour.
Canape, sir?
Me Julie.
Julie.
(Sobbing)
Hello?
What you doing up here? Why not
stay downstairs with that posh girl?
- We was talking about politics.
- I ain't interested, just shut up!
Well, me won't speak no more.
You really are a prat.
Now, come here.
We can't. This is the PM's bedroom.
Well...
Why don't you pretend to be
the Prime Minister?
Cheeky.
(Julie giggles)
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
In advance of tomorrow's summit,
I shall be having private talks
with both parties.
First, President Mwepu,
would you care to join me upstairs?
- A pleasure.
- Thank you.
(Julie moaning, bed springs creaking)
(Banging, chandeliers clinking)
(Man moaning)
(Banging and moaning crescendos)
(Crash, then silence)
I must say, I enjoyed that.
(Prime Minister) So did I.
I'm so glad we thrashed it out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want everyone here to know
that President Mwepu here
is a very big man.
And I would like you to know that
the Prime Minister was very hard
- but very straight.
- (All gasping)
The President was very much on top
to start off with
but I don't mind telling you,
I was in a deep hole.
- Oh, very deep.
- (Gasping)
We had some sticky patches
but I'm delighted to say
- we came together in the end.
- (Gasping)
Yes, I lapped up everything
that you had to offer.
Now President Oompeba,
would you care to join me upstairs?
No bloody way.
Can I come?
Come on, honey, let's go home.
- I'll cook you up your favourite.
- Angel Delight?
Yeah, butterscotch.
(Both) Mmmm. Butterscotch.
This bit is for the girls,
to show that me can be
well sensitive.
By the way, if any of you bitches
is fit and into doggy,
here is me mobile number.
Callers must be over 16.
But not by too much.
Me can't. They need me at
the peace conference tomorrow.
You what? What about the people
who really need you?
What about Ricky?
What about Dave?
What about me, Ali?
Please come back to Staines.
The world is bigger than Staines.
And me gotta save it.
You'll have to do it
on your own, then.
Me Julie. Me Julie?
Let me call you back.
We've gotta get rid of him
before the centre's saved.
- What I thought...
- You thought?!
The US will do everything
in its power
to support Chad in its struggle
against its neighbours.
Russia will not allow this
Western oppression to continue
and in order to support
Burkina Faso,
is prepared to utilise
all our military capabilities.
- That's outrageous!
- How can you make such a statement?
- Ali, Ali, Ali.
- (Jungle beats from headphones)
- Armageddon's breaking out, help.
- Sure, bro.
The United States
will not be intimidated.
We will meet any show of force
with our full military might!
(Angry shouting)
Oi!
You know why they is shouting?
They ain't been fed their teas.
Come on, choppy chop.
(Shouting continues)
Moving to a motion,
all those in favour of sending Iran
to the gas station
to get some potato chips
and chocolate, raise your hand.
For real.
(Giggling)
Oh, bummer.
# Tease me, tease me, tease me,
tease me, baby... #
I'm sorry we invaded you.
It was really uncool.
Who cares? It's all in the past.
If I was going to be invaded
by anyone,
I am happy it was you.
You are really cool.
You have nice clothes.
- You saved my white ass, Ali.
- No problem, bredrin.
Big up the herbal tea, aight?
Hey, you, Britain!
Respect.
How does he do it?
#... catchin' a big fish
# Yes, you are on top
of my romance list
# Second to none,
you defeat the favourite
# Woman, your love
is like burnin' fire in my soul
# Woman, tease me
till me lose control
# Woman, your love is like
burnin' fire in me soul
# Woman, tease me
till me lose control
# Tease me, tease me, tease me,
tease me, baby #
We're quite a team, Ali.
Thanks to you we're 22 points ahead.
- I'm gonna save your centre.
- Wicked! Bo! Bo! Bo!
(Ali) Check out all the Peperami!
(PM) For you - this is your moment.
(Shouting)
Will you comment on accusations
that you drugged the world leaders?
- You what?
- Our evidence proves you're guilty.
Er...
"Our evidence proves you're guilty."
- This is just childish.
- "This is just childish!"
By employing this rhetorical tactic
you incriminate yourself further.
By... tactic... your father.
This bag was sent to my office
anonymously.
Do you deny that you stole it
from Customs & Excise?
That could be anyone's.
I is gotta go. I is turtling.
I is actually touching cloth.
A few more questions!
There goes your leisure centre.
Clear your desk before you go.
Prime Minister.
Big up yourself, Ali.
- It won't be the same without you.
- We'll miss you, Mr G. Respect.
- Booyakasha.
- Westside.
(Children shouting and playing)
Flippin' heck.
Nan, can I borrow your car?
# What would I be without my baby?
# The thought alone might break me
# And I don't wanna go crazy
# But every thug needs a lady
# Girl, it feel like you and I been
mourning together
# Inseparable, we chose pain
over pleasure
# For that you'll forever be
a part of me
# Mind body and soul
ain't no I in we, baby
# Where would I be without you?
# I only think about you
# I know you're tired of being lonely
# So baby girl, put it on me
# What would I be without you?
# I only think about you... #
(# The Commodores:
Three Times A Lady)
# Thanks for the times
that you've given me
# The memories are all in my mind
# You're once
# Twice
# Three times a lady
(Doorbell)
- # And I lo... #
- (Music off)
Having a bad day? Maybe I can help.
- Is it nippy outside?
- Very.
- What is you doing here?
- Let me show you.
'So today's main news again.
'The Prime Minister has resigned
after the discovery of security tape
'showing him having perverse sexual
intercourse with a prostitute.'
(Frantic moaning)
That's no prostitute, that's me ho!
'As of now the Deputy Prime Minister
will be acting Prime Minister.'
That ain't fair, that weren't the
PM. Where's the rest of the tape?
My boss has locked it
in a safe at Chequers,
- where it's staying.
- You won't get away with this.
If you keep your mouth shut,
David's willing to be very generous.
I'm willing to be very generous.
(Slurping)
All that you have to do
is keep your mouth... shut.
- I'm tuning up my engine, Ali.
- (Slurping)
Fill me with petrol.
I is gonna pump you
with me five-star unleaded, aight!
- Let me see your nozzle.
- What?
You wanna see me knob? All right.
(# Another Level: Freak Me)
# Let me lick you up and down
# Till you say stop
# Let me play with your body, baby
# Make you real hot
# Let me do all the things
you want me to do
# Cos tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you
# Baby, don't you understand?
# I wanna be your nasty man... #
- (Music stops)
- Give me your fuel injection.
'Ln tomorrow's phone-in, we ask,
'have you ever slept with a pig?
I certainly have.'
(Judy) 'And we'll find out what
turns girls like this into slags.'
No one calls me Julie a slag.
Come to mama.
Take them off.
(# Betty Boo: Where Are You Baby)
# You drive me crazy
Somebody tell me where he's gone
# Where are you, baby?
We used to have so much fun
# You drive me crazy... #
(Kids chanting) 'Keep it real!
Keep it real! Keep it real! '
This ain't right. Here...
Set it to vibrate
and finish yourself off.
(Grunting in pain)
Open up!
Yo, blood, I need your help.
Everyone's calling me Julie a slag.
They heard about our three-header?
What three-header?
Anyways, I can prove she ain't.
Bredrin, we gotta restart
Drive-By FM. What ya say?
- Drive-By FM is back!
- Wicked!
- Let's go.
- Is you any good at knots?
Yo, hear me now,
hear me now, rewind.
This is Drive-By FM,
the sound of the ghetto,
from deep in the heart of Berkshire.
(Both imitating automatic gunfire)
Phut-phut-phut-phut,
phut-phut-phut-phut!
- What was that?
- Helicopter.
Oh, you was doing the wings.
That's good.
Hear me now, gangstas. There is
some serious shit going down.
The Prime Minister, check it,
has been chucked out by a geezer
who is a massive dong.
He is even more eviller
than Skeletor.
To get the PM back in,
me needs to get hold of this tape
of me knobbing me bitch.
If you help me rescue this video,
we can save the country.
- Plus you will see Julie's babylons.
- Wicked!
That is why I is calling all of you
to end the Berkshire tuf wars.
There has been enough
brothers slain.
So put down your AKs,
lay down your Uzis,
and unite
into one massive...
massive.
- 'So big up the Eton Wick Crew.'
- 'Hold tight.'
'Hold tight the lver Heath Posse.'
Shout going out
to the Englefield Green Massiv.
And me never thought
me would ever say this...
but big up the East Staines Massiv.
- Ali, what you doing, man?
- Shh.
Hear this, Hassan B.
If you join us,
then I is prepared to hand over
the Boris the Spider climbing frame
in Leagrove Park.
Let's do what Tupac and Biggie
never managed. Aight?
If you is joining
this military operation,
meet up in camouflage
at John Nike Leisure Centre,
nine tomorrow morning.
That's a bit early.
Can we make it 12?
Sorry I is late.
But there was something on the telly
about monkeys.
They is well funny, what?
With their arms and...
Respect for wearing camouflage.
It will help you go undetected.
Now, let's go to Chequers
and rescue that tape.
Let's do this for Britain.
Let's do this for me Julie.
And let's do this for hip-hop!
Selecta!
Selecta!
(# Public Enemy: Fight The Power)
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power!
# Fight the power #
I has drawn up
a detailed plan of Chequers.
The tape is in the PM's office,
in a safe.
First up, Ricky, Dave and me
will go in.
Jezzy, you stay here.
We's gonna be like the A-Team.
- And I is BA Baracus.
- I wanna be BA Baracus.
Urgh.
But I is very much like him.
"I ain't gettin' in no plane."
Uh-uh -
"I ain't gettin' in no plane!"
- "I ain't gettin' in no plane!"
- "Shut up, fool."
Look, gold.
"I ain't gettin' in no plane!"
- "Step back, kiss myself."
- That's James Brown.
You'll be Murdock.
Dave, you'll be Face.
- What do we do?
- Stay here and we all hide
and blend into the natural habitat.
'Then, when it gets dark,
me will make the secret signal.'
(Beatboxing)
Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, rewind.
Let's go!
(Ali) 'Then tune all your radios
to the baddest street garage station
'and crank up the volume to the max.
'This will bring out the guards
'and at that point we will use
our cunning to overpower them.'
- Bundle!
- (Shouting)
(Phone ringing)
- Sir?
- What's going on?
'I'm sure it's nothing
but I've sent some men out.'
I want maximum security.
Patrol the house.
(Ali) 'The Great Hall is exactly
like the one in Lara Croft's house
'in Tomb Raider 2 on PlayStation.
'So Dave, if you run at the pillar,
that goes to the underwater kingdom
'and on to the next level.'
- (Crash)
- Urgh.
'Lf that don't work, we must somehow
cross the touch-sensitive floor.
'Lf we lift our feet at all,
we're dead.'
(# West Street Mob:
Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)
# Electric boogie, break dance,
electric boogie, break dance... #
(Trainers squeaking)
Nothing. We'll keep on looking.
'Next up, we is gotta go through
the laser room.
'Dave, you'll use your
special skills to help us through.'
Remember, if we break any beams
it will set the alarms off,
so extra careful. Now, let's do it.
(# Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)
# This is the funk, now hit me
# Just get on down and hit me
# Their bodies getting so funky,
now hit me
# You gotta rock it don't stop it,
you gotta rock it don't stop it
# You gotta rock it don't stop it,
you gotta rock it don't stop #
'This must be the PM's office.
The tape is in there.'
Intruders in my office. This is
a terrorist attack, shoot on sight.
Repeat, shoot on sight.
- Ah, safe.
- Yeah, safe, man.
- No, the safe.
- Yeah, I is safe. Open that.
- Ali, this safe.
- Yeah, I is feeling fine.
- The safe, the safe.
- Yeah, man, I is safe!
(High-pitched) Behind you!
Hold on.
I thought you couldn't speak.
I've just always been terribly
embarrassed about my voice.
All right, don't go on about it.
Stop giving it all that.
Now, if me can just interrupt
your life story for one second...
let's tie these geezers up
and get that safe open.
No.
I got it. Link up the batteries
of all the cars outside,
transfer the current
through a human chain
and blow this mother open!
- Won't we get electricalocuted?
- We won't get fried
cos we've got rubber-soled trainers.
Trust me, I got a D in physics.
Wicked. I'll text them.
(Beeping)
No, b-eight-two-rez - be-attories,
batteries.
Me was trying to save time.
Bambaclat.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on.
Your voice!
Switch on the engine, pass it on.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on.
- Switch on the engine, pass it on...
- Bitch on a pension, suck my dong.
- What?
- Should I turn the engine on?
- Yeah.
(Engines roar)
(# Break Dancin' - Electric Boogie)
# This is the funk, now hit me
# Just get on down and hit me... #
- What is you doing?
- I'm being pulled!
No!
(Choir) # He's our saviour #
- Ha-ha! Bo! Bo!
- (All cheering)
We open up the safe!
- Peace, man.
- Peace, bredrin.
Ali! Ali!
- The tape ain't here.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Look for yourself.
All it is is some photographs...
Eugh.
And there's a map of Staines.
Jah Ras Tafari, Haile Selassie.
They is extending Heathrow Airport.
That means...
they is gonna destroy Staines.
And they is starting in...
three hours.
(David) Two hours, 57 minutes,
to be precise.
Why build it over Staines?
Because I have bought 600 acres
of land there. Give me those.
Don't try escaping because this room
doubles as a nuclear bunker.
It is completely impenetrable
to the outside world.
And I've forgotten to put on
the air supply.
Why don't you nip out now
and stick it on?
You really are unbelievably stupid.
(Ali) Oi! Knob-end!
- What?
- Give me them plans.
- Or what?
- Or nipple cripple, that's what.
Chinese burn!
(Wails)
You hurt my nose,
you fucking nutcase.
Look behind you because there's
a thousand police officers.
Look behind you,
there's Jennifer Lopez.
What? You want to bone him right
this second cos you is so horny?
Look, there's 20 squid on the floor.
There's a squirrel
with the head of a chicken
and with, like,
wings and everything that's just...
- Is you gonna hit me again?
- Mmm.
Now I'm going to shoot you.
Booyakasha!
(Groans)
This is from the people of Staines.
(Air hissing)
(Tiny fart)
Ooh. I think I followed through.
(Ali) 'Me Julie, you there?
Me know what you must think of me.
'I been a piece of knob cheese but
me got to save Staines with your help
'and I has shat meself.'
Shit. Ricky and Dave!
Ricky?
(Panting)
We thought if we was gonna die
we might as well give it a go.
- Well, what's it like?
- It's not bad.
- Dave?
- Quite nice, actually.
We'll talk about this later.
We gotta save Staines.
Two minutes, see you in the car?
Be quick. The Feds is coming and
you don't want to finish up inside.
(Women shouting) Save our centre!
Save our centre!
Hold on tight.
Leave 'em alone,
you pigs, they're senile!
Send in, send in!
I wouldn't do that if I was you.
Ali! I love you!
Juliiieeee!
- Hello.
- Start the demolition.
Wait! Don't listen to him!
He's a criminal.
And not even the good kind
that sell drugs or do drive-bys.
I is got proof here that he is
trying to destroy Staines.
So what? It's a shithole.
- Arrest them.
- Oh, shit. We is going to jail.
Every day for the next 20 years
we'll get bummed in the showers.
- Hold it. Release him.
- (David) Under what authority?
I'm the acting Prime Minister.
You are the disgraced one.
Disgraced by you.
And this tape proves it.
- Kate.
- No, David.
When I first entered politics,
it was to create a better world,
a world of honesty,
integrity and truth.
But somewhere along the way
that vision was lost.
My dream was tarnished
and instead I discovered greed,
- avarice and corruption...
- Boring!
Arrest him.
Enjoy your life with this fool.
You two deserve each other.
Piss off.
Oh, nice!
We're not going to build Terminal 5
over Staines.
- We'll demolish Slough instead.
- Wicked.
As of now I need
a new Deputy Prime Minister.
How do you feel about being
my right-hand man?
Right-hand man!
Batty boy, batty boy!
What do you say, Ali?
I has shown you the way.
You'll have to carry on the journey
by yourself now.
As for me,
I is gonna stick with me posse
and me bi...
me lady.
(Ali) 'Ahem. Actually, there is
one thing you could do for me.'
(# Third World: Reggae Ambassador)
Mr Ambassador.
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador... #
- Your crop is ready for inspection.
- Bo.
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador
# Baby, reggae music
in-a any condition
# Drop it in a style,
drop it in a fashion... #
(All) Good morning, Ambassador.
Ambassador,
will you try the harvest?
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, yeah
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, yeah
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador
# Whoa-whoa-whoa, yeah
# I'm Mr Reggae Ambassador #
This is good shit.
The man from Staines, he say yeah!
(# Montell Jordan:
This Is How We Do lt)
# This is how we do it... #
Ice, please.
Ali, this is a great Jacuzzi.
That ain't a Jacuzzi.
Sorry.
# The party's here on the westside
# So I reach for my 40
and I turn it up
# Designated driver,
take the keys to my truck
# Hit the shore cos I'm faded
# Honeys in the street say,
"Monty, yo, we made it!"...#
# The summertime skirts
and the guys in Kani
# All the gang-bangers
forgot about the drive-by
# You gotta get your groove on
before you go get paid... #
Bring her in.
# Let me hear the party say... #
Dance for me, bitch.
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# Let's flip the track,
bring the old school back
# This is how we do it... #
Me Julie,
me got something to ask you.
Will you make me
the happiest man in the world?
Yeah, I will.
Let me shag her, then.
(Mis-teeq)
# This is how we do it in a UK vibe
# This is how we do it
# Su-Elise, Alesha
and Sabrina tonight
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it,
it's Friday night
# And I feel all right
# The party's here
on the westside... #
So, what did you think of the film?
It weren't bad, was it?
It was easily better than
Harry Potter,
which me thought was very childish.
If you is watching this, Potter,
I is better than you.
You probably ain't even
slept with a girl.
I has slept with three.
And I got one of them
to play with herself.
Whatever you thought of this film,
please tell your mates it was wicked
cos if this flops, me won't be able
to get me nan a new hip.
So the choice is yours. No pressure.
Nan, come tell them about it.
What? You is fallen over again?
You done the other one in as well?
Don't cry there, all mashed up,
a lump of bones.
Me will get you the cash
to make it better, somehow.
Don't be selfish.
Buy the merchandise and all.
lovespiral@mail.ru
(# Shaggy and Ali G: Me Julie)
# Ali G. Shut it!
# Let's start right now, ya hear me?
# A to the L to the I to the G-sy
# J to the U to the L-I easy
# S to the H to the A double-G-sy Y
# Oh, boys getting busy
# I need a cure
for this thing I'm feelin'
# Shaggy need some sexual healin'
# I wanna reach and touch the ceilin'
# When I'm lovin' my Julie
# Aight!
# Me, I've been kickin'
at the late night dealin'
# Worse now,
it's just a piece I'm stealin'
# I see your sex
and Mr Lover believin'
# When I'm lockin' my Julie
# Aight
# Julie, you know me love-a you truly
# From my head down to me goolies
# Woman, you turn me on
with your big babylons
# Me Julie, you got
the sweetest coolies
# When me touch it with me goolies
(Ali) # Hey, Shaggy, me can rap too.
# Yo, yo, yo
# You is better than J-Lo,
next to you she's just a minger
# Fit as Destiny's Child,
well, apart from the lead singer
# You is fitter than the Spice Girls
including the Ginger
# Give it a shave,
cos me wanna be in ya
# They always claimed
that our love was wrong, uh
# The people just stared
and said it was too long, but
# It ain't crap to have a 12-inch
# Dong, d-dong, dong, dong
# Julie, you know me love-a you truly
# From my head down to me goolies
# Woman, you turn me on
with your big babylons
# Me Julie, you got
the sweetest coolies
# When me touch it with me goolies
# Cos you turn me on
with your big babylons #
(# Mis-teeq: This Is How We Do it)
# This is how we do it in a UK vibe
# This is how we do it
# It's the Mis-teeq
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it,
it's Friday night
# And I feel all right
# The party's here on the westside
# So I reach for my 40
and I turn it up
# Designated driver,
turn the key to my truck
# Hit the shore cos I'm faded
# Guys in the street say
"Girls, yo, you made it."
# It feels so good in my hood tonight
# The summertime skirts
and the guys in Kani
# All the gang-bangers
forgot about the drive-by
# You gotta get your groove on
before you go and get paid
# So tip up your cup
and throw your hands up
# And let me hear the party say
# I'm kinda buzzed
and it's all because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# So flip the track,
bring the old school back
# This is how we do it
# Oh, I'm dancin' because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# L-O-N-D-O-N
# This is how we do it
# I'll never come back
on an old school track
# This is how we do it
# Check it out
# Once upon a time in '94
# Mis-teeq made no money
and life sure was slow
# And all they said
was five-eight we stood
# And people thought
the music that we made was good
# There lived a DJ, PDS was his name
# He came up to me
and this is what he said
# You and them girls are gonna make
some cash
# Sell a million records
and we'll make it in a dash
# Whoa, I'm buzzin' because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# L-O-N-D-O-N
# This is how we do it
# I'll never come back
on an old school track
# This is how we do it
# I'm kinda buzzin'
and it's all because
# This is how we do it
# South Central does it
like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# So flip the track,
bring the old school back
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it
# This is how we do it
# Mis-teeq does it like nobody does
# This is how we do it
# To all my neighbours,
you got much flava
# This is how we do it
# We'll never come back
on an old school track
# This is how we do it #