Ali Wong: Single Lady (2024) Movie Script
["Get me Bodied (Extended Mix)" playing]
[audience cheering]
Mission one, I'ma put this on
When he see me in the dress
I'ma get me some, hey
Mission two, gotta make that call...
[audience cheering]
Mission three
Got my three best friends
Like we do it all the time
We gon' do it again, hey
Mission four
Got the vintage Rolls
Drop a couple hundreds
Tell him, "Leave it at the door"
I ain't worried, doin' me tonight
A little sweat ain't never hurt nobody
While y'all standin' on the wall
I'm the one tonight gettin' bodied...
Oh, hi, Los Angeles.
- [audience cheering]
- [laughing]
Thank you so much for coming tonight.
It's been a very interesting
past two years.
I got divorced in 2022.
[audience cheering]
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
It didn't feel like that at the time.
[audience laughing]
And I didn't expect the news of my divorce
to be so widespread and public,
and I felt really embarrassed and ashamed.
But I didn't realize
that all of these media outlets
were acting like a Bat-Signal,
letting all potentially
interested men know...
[audience laughing]
...that I was suddenly available.
And I've never been pursued this much
in my life.
[audience cheering]
Oh, my God.
It's very, very exciting
and quite shocking,
because boys,
they never liked me growing up.
In the '90s, in high school,
guys, they weren't into
charismatic A cups.
[audience laughing]
But things have changed,
and now there's all these men after
my divorced-mom energy.
[audience cheering]
Yes.
A divorced mom is very special
because she doesn't want commitment.
[audience laughing]
She doesn't wanna have your kids.
A divorced mom
just wants to get dicked down.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[men whooping]
I don't care
how many brain cells you have.
I don't care if you pronounce
hors d'oeuvres "whores devours."
- I don't care.
- [audience laughing]
No me importa.
I don't care, as long as you have
a huge boner for me all the time.
I need you to have a huge boner
that's gonna poke my brain.
I need you to smash
my frontal cortex over and over
and just tenderize
all of my fear and paranoia
about AI technology. Just...
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
[audience cheering]
I'm not trying to trap a man anymore.
Mm-mm.
I'm trying to catch a concussion.
[audience laughing]
Yes.
I'm trying to drink cranberry juice
on the regular, okay?
[audience laughing]
That's right.
When I introduce myself to new men,
I'm trying to say hello like this,
"Hey. How you doing? Come here."
"I wanna talk to you.
I got a question for you."
"Have you had a vasectomy?"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles softly]
Uh, I really went on a tear
when I first got divorced.
You missed it. I was on sale.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I'd been married for ten years,
so I had that, like,
"just got out of prison" energy, you know?
And my standards were strategically low.
Like the less hair on the head,
the more hair on the body, the better.
[audience laughs]
I was hunting for a dude that was shaped
like a straight-up squash.
[audience laughing]
[man] I'm here!
'Cause you know what kind of energy
that dude's bringing to the bedroom?
Gratitude.
[audience laughing]
He will eat your pussy long, long time.
[audience laughing]
And you will be free of that guilt,
that concern
that you're taking too long to finish.
Instead, you're like,
"Yeah, you stay down there,
you lucky mediocre man, you."
[audience laughing]
I do have some standards
when it comes to getting dicked down,
like you gotta pay for the first date.
Yeah, come on, man.
You gotta pay for the first date.
I know that sounds crazy,
because I'm a millionaire.
[audience laughing]
- [audience cheering]
- Oh. [chuckles]
I am.
Don't let this Midsummer outfit
fool you now, okay?
I'm a millionaire, straight up.
But you still gotta pay
for the first date,
because you gotta show me
that you understand
basic investment strategy.
[audience laughing]
The money will come back to you, okay?
Trust and believe.
If you have faith in your product,
and it performs well on the market
and stays up...
the cost of those tapas
and that cacio e pepe
will seem like nothing
when I get you a two-bedroom condo
in Reseda, okay?
[audience laughing]
Yeah, Los Angeles proper,
that's too expensive.
But Reseda...
[audience laughing]
I'll get you stainless steel appliances,
side-by-side two-car parking.
I'll get you a TOTO toilet.
Ooh, you know what a TOTO toilet is?
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
A TOTO toilet
is this magical Japanese toilet.
The seat is always warm,
and then when you sit on it,
Hello Kitty and Godzilla emerge
and go like this...
[babbling]
...to your butthole, okay?
[audience laughing]
You know how expensive that is
to get Hello Kitty and Godzilla
to link arms and double-team your taint
after you take a shit?
[audience laughing]
Hello Kitty doesn't even have a mouth.
[audience laughing]
But I can make
the impossible possible, you know?
[audience laughing]
Listen, if I get you
that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,
you better be
at that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,
available to dick me down
when I am finished performing
at the Wiltern in my nightgown, okay?
- [audience cheering]
- Yes.
You better be there,
because you cannot be both poor and busy.
[audience laughing]
That is an unacceptable combination.
Why don't we just add ugly
and anger management issues
while we're at it?
[audience laughing]
And I better not catch you
subletting that second bedroom.
[audience laughing]
In 2022, I joined a dating app.
I really did.
And I paid $250 up front
for the entire year.
Because then you save $5 a month.
[audience laughing]
I might be rich, but I'm still Chinese.
- [woman] Yeah!
- Yes.
- [audience applauding]
- I still suffer from scarcity mindset.
I am still so devastatingly cheap.
Like, I will drink soy milk
long past its expiration date,
when it has transformed into tofu.
I will pour that
on my Shredded Wheat. I will.
I maintain a friendship
with a woman that I hate
simply because she has a lemon tree.
[audience laughing hysterically]
[woman] Yes!
The day after I joined that app,
I get a phone call from this dude
who I had met at, like,
two dinner parties in the past.
And he got my number
from a mutual friend, a mutual colleague,
and he was like, "Hey, Ali."
[chuckles softly]
"I just happened to hear the news
of your divorce today,
and I gotta tell you...
I'm excited."
[audience laughing]
"I am, Ali, because, look,
I have had a crush on you forever,
and I actually told
my best friend years ago
that you were my dream girl."
"And I know this sounds crazy, but, uh...
I want you to be my girlfriend."
[audience exclaims softly]
And I was like...
"I just paid $250."
[audience laughing]
"You seem really nice, but...
I gotta get my money's worth."
[audience laughing]
Shortly after that phone call,
I take off to Europe.
I arrive in London
and discovered that this man
had sent me a bouquet of flowers
that was this big.
And then I get to Amsterdam,
and he sent me a bouquet of flowers
that was this big.
And then I get to Cologne.
He sent a flower arrangement
the size of me.
And then in my final destination,
Copenhagen,
he sent me
six giant flower arrangements. [gasps]
I told all my girlfriends,
and they were like,
"Oh, my God, that is so sweet.
I am so jealous."
And then I told all my male friends,
and they were like,
"That dude sounds like a psychopath."
[audience laughing]
"Hey, are you okay, Ali?
Do you feel safe?"
[audience laughing]
That's how cheap and lazy men have become,
that now, when a fellow man
commits any act of kindness,
any romantic gesture,
it must be a symptom
of an undiagnosed mental illness.
[audience laughing]
It is true that boys,
they never liked me growing up.
I was always too loud.
I had a mustache.
They called me "booger girl"
because I picked my nose all the time.
So it was very cruel,
but very accurate, you know?
[audience laughing]
And now I'm 42, I'm a mother,
and something
has truly shifted in my favor.
And I think that what happened was that...
Men, you know,
when you're in your twenties,
all you wanna date is a ten, right?
At that age, you don't care about
the content of a woman's character.
You don't care about her creative output.
Uh... You know, the ultimate status symbol
when you're young
is to just date a beautiful, busty ten.
And then when men become 40, you're like,
"I don't wanna date a ten anymore."
[audience laughing]
"All I want is a kind six...
[audience cheering]
...that earns at least,
like, $15,000 a year,
and is generally a peaceful person."
[audience laughing]
But you're too late,
'cause all the kind sixes
have been snatched up.
And it's not the status symbol
it used to be.
It's not necessarily a good look
to date a ten anymore.
Nowadays, when we're 40,
you bring some hot
unfunny dummy to dinner,
all the women of substance at the table
are now mad at you
because we have to babysit this bitch.
[audience laughing]
While, you're here outsourcing
for intellectual stimulation and giggles,
we're the ones who have to listen
to her boring ass stories
about cauliflower rice
and the power of crystals.
[audience laughing]
- [audience whooping]
- Uh-uh.
You have ruined dinner for us,
and now we've all lost respect for you
because you have revealed
that you have bad taste!
[audience laughing]
The worst part about being
a female stand-up comedian
is having to socialize
with male stand-up comedians' girlfriends.
Oh, my God. It's so painful.
It's worse than being sexually harassed.
So many wasted hours of my life
having to sit next to these Instahoes.
These Instahoes who prey on my friend
because he's so ugly.
He's been ugly his whole life,
and no woman who looks like that
has ever looked at him.
And these Instahoes, they're smart.
They know that the day is coming
when these sunscreen companies
stop paying them
to pose in a thong
on an inflatable doughnut.
[audience laughing]
So to look out for their future,
they sink their pussy teeth
into my friend's bald ass head
until he can't think for himself anymore,
because they know he has a potential
to go far with his podcast
and not sign a prenup.
[audience laughing]
And because I'm a kind six,
I listen to them. I listen to them!
[audience laughing]
[exhales]
And because I'm a decent actress,
they think I'm actually listening,
when really, I'm just looking at them
in the eye and smiling,
but in my head I'm composing my wish list
for Amazon Prime Day.
[audience laughing]
I have to say, it's very nice
to feel so loved and adored
after being ignored by men for so long.
And I've received all sorts of nice gifts
from suitors in the past two years.
I've received flowers, bags, jewelry.
My girlfriends were like, "Oh, my God."
[scoffs] "Jewelry?"
"But, Ali, how can you accept that?"
I'm like, "Oh, it's easy.
I just accept it, you know?"
[audience laughing]
"It's the easiest thing
I've ever done in my life."
"What's not to accept?
It's beautiful, valuable, and free."
"That's a Chinese fairy tale.
I'mma take it."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
I don't see how refusing 24-karat gold
is the more empowering option.
It's not like when these dudes
give you a necklace,
then make you sign a contract, being like,
"Okay, if you accept this necklace,
then you agree to suck my dick."
[audience laughing]
No! You just say, "Oh, my God, Trevor."
"This is so thoughtful of you.
This is beautiful."
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
And then you just take the necklace
and then you walk away...
[audience laughing]
Or you suck their dick.
It's up to you. What do you wanna do?
[audience laughing]
It's your choice.
But either way, keep the necklace.
[audience laughing]
I became so addicted to courtship,
that I developed this problem
where I kept on breaking up with dudes
after three weeks.
After three weeks,
that's when they start to relax.
That's when the flowers stop coming.
That's when they stop initiating
going down on you.
[gasps]
You're fired, bro. You're fired.
- [audience laughing]
- Mm-mm.
I don't actually say "you're fired," okay?
What I say is, "Hey." [chuckles softly]
"I can't tell you what the past
three weeks have meant to me."
"You have given me
what I didn't even know I needed."
"And, my God, you are such a beautiful,
special human being."
"And I just feel like it's time for me
to really focus on my work and my family."
And blah, blah, blah! Right?
[audience whooping]
And the last dude I split with
was this big, fancy movie director,
and he had a very movie director
response to my speech.
He was like,
"That feels false."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
"That feels false, Ali."
"Why don't you tell me
why you're really breaking up with me."
I was like, "Okay, fine."
"Well, you know it's because
the last two times we hooked up,
you didn't initiate going down on me,
and I didn't really like that."
[audience laughing]
And he was like, "Well... [chuckles]
...why didn't you just
communicate that to me?"
I was like, "Oh."
"Well, because I'm divorced."
"I don't do that anymore."
[audience laughing]
Communicate?
That's married-people shit, okay?
I'm retired from that.
You think I got divorced from one man
to communicate obvious shit
to another man?
[audience cheering]
[cackling]
Fuck that lateral step.
I'm out here for a lifestyle change, okay?
You think I went through the shame
and stigma of divorce
to be out here in these streets,
saying shit to myself like, "Oh!"
"Sometimes the right thing to say
is the hard thing to say"?
[audience laughing]
You know, especially when it comes
to initiating giving head to a woman.
That's not something
that should happen upon request.
It's steps on the initiation.
I refuse... I refuse in the middle
of kissing a man to say to him...
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."
[audience laughing]
How humiliating.
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."
[in normal voice] What am I,
a villain in a Disney movie?
[in deep voice] "Fee-fi-fo-fum."
"Eat my pussy."
[audience laughing]
Do I have to spell out
all the basics to you?
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."
"Compliment my looks."
"Wish me a happy birthday."
- [in normal voice] It's like...
- [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I came up with that joke
while breaking up with that director
in real time...
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[laughs]
...out loud in front of his face.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
As soon as he was like,
[mimicking] "Why don't you just
communicate that to me?"
I was like,
"Well, what am I supposed to say?"
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy?" [laughs]
[audience laughing]
And then I started marching around
all the pretentious ass sculptures
in his living room.
I was like, "Fee-fi-fo-fum."
"Lick my taint,
or I'll blow your house down."
[audience laughing]
My God, and I was laughing so hard
at how hilarious I was being.
And I was so excited
that I had just come up with this joke
that I could make money off of later.
I was like, "Ooh!"
We turned that into lemonade
real fast, you know?
[audience laughing]
- [laughing]
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Yeah.
And I was so busy having fun with myself,
I wasn't paying any attention to him.
And then I finally looked up,
and he was like,
"That's not funny, Ali."
[audience laughs]
"Come on, that's really rude.
You know, that's not funny at all."
"Uh... All right, I guess
you don't know this, but, Ali,
no one has ever broken up with me before."
"And, you know,
there's a reason for that."
"So I hope you know that if you do this,
you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life."
"Because, Ali,
you're never gonna find somebody like me."
I was like, "Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.
That's the whole point of breaking up."
"I don't wanna be with you
or anybody like you again."
"You don't initiate giving head,
and you didn't laugh at 'fee-fi-fo-fum.'"
That's two red flags.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
And then he says to me,
"All right, you know what, Ali?"
"I'm in a really bad place right now,
and I swear to God, if you're serious,
like, if you really actually mean this,
I might kill myself."
[audience exclaiming softly]
I was like, "Go for it."
[audience laughing]
"Either way, we're not gonna be together."
"So same same, but different."
[audience laughing]
And then I said to him,
"I don't actually mean that, okay?"
"I think you're a good person.
We're just a bad match."
"And please save your energy
and refrain from threatening me."
"You don't seem to understand."
"I'm a financially independent
divorced mom."
- Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
"So, I'm not looking for someone
to build a life with, okay?"
"I'm not scared to die alone."
[audience laughing]
"And breaking up with you
is so easy compared to divorce."
"We don't have property together,
we don't have kids."
"So breaking up with you is nothing."
"It's like putting down a burrito
when I'm full."
"It's nada."
[audience laughing]
"But thank you so much again
for the necklace."
"I love it so much."
- "And...
- [audience cheering]
I'm going to cherish it
for the rest of my life
until I sell it on The RealReal, a'ight?"
[chuckles]
'Cause I'm telling you,
after you get divorced,
three weeks is perfect.
After that, I don't like it
when shit gets too real,
when these dudes
start to say things to me like,
"You know, Ali, I just...
I really feel like
I can be myself around you."
I'm like, "Please don't, okay?"
"Please just be
the best parts of yourself,
and then repress all the shitty parts."
"Save that for your friends and family
who are gonna be there for you
if you get diagnosed with cancer."
"'Cause I'm not gonna be there, okay?"
"I don't know you, man.
It's been three weeks."
"It's still unclear to me
if you're Filipino or Cambodian."
- "I don't know you!"
- [audience laughing]
"Know you!"
You know, I think, women,
when you're in your twenties...
I was like this when I was younger, okay?
You tend to get very flattered,
you tend to feel very special
when a man is vulnerable with you,
when he opens up to you about his trauma.
[fake crying] "You know, Ali...
when I was a little boy...
my uncle, he..."
I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?
"Hey! Snap out of it, man!
Snap out of it! Come on!"
"Let's keep it positive,
let's keep it sexy."
I'm here for orgasms and free oysters.
That's it, okay?
[audience laughing]
But if you're a kind six like me,
these dudes, they don't wanna
just dick you down.
In exchange, they want you
to be their mommy-therapist.
They call me up, and they're like,
"Ali, I am having the worst fucking day."
I'm like, "Well then,
hang up the fucking phone."
[audience laughing]
"I don't know why
you think it's acceptable
to spread that shit to my day."
"I'm having a great time."
"I'm in my professionally
interior decorated home
that's loaded with TOTO toilets."
[audience laughing]
I'm with my two daughters right now.
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
They're six and eight years old now.
Can you believe that?
Six and eight years old?
[audience cheering]
They were in that striped dress
and in that leopard dress,
now they're out and about,
six and eight years old.
We watch RuPaul's Drag Race together
every Saturday morning.
Yeah.
And then, they got these real cute
Asian Amlie haircuts
that I gave to them
ever since they were two.
I trim their hair every single day. I do.
They're like my little bonsais, you know?
[audience laughing]
I really do believe that, for a woman,
40 is the golden age...
[audience cheering, applauding]
...to get divorced.
- It is perfect.
- [audience laughing]
I'm so sorry if you bought
your wife tickets tonight
thinking that it would be a cute
anniversary or birthday gift.
But I have to spread the good word.
Forty is a great time to get divorced.
The age range of who I could date is huge.
It'll never be this huge again.
I could go as low as 25,
and then I could go as high as 55.
Uh... If you're 55, I got questions for you.
Like can you go on a brisk walk?
[audience laughing]
Can you lift heavy things?
Can you digest red meat
without getting a swollen toe
the next day?
Can you?
Puedes? Es posible?
Well, if the answer is yes
to all of the above,
then I'm open, all right?
So I matched with this one
55-year-old on the app.
And you could tell that he was 55.
He had salt-and-pepper hair,
it was a lot of gray and white hair,
but it was thick and long and lush,
and he had this beautiful beard to match.
And he was a former pro surfer
that continued to surf every day,
so he was tan and ripped.
He was old, but he was sexy
in this very eye-catching way
that reminded me of King Triton
from The Little Mermaid.
[audience laughing]
You remember watching that movie
as a little girl,
and King Triton floats onto the screen,
and you were like, "Oh"? [chuckles]
"Who is this ocean Santa Claus...
with a six-pack and a tail?
What's up, King Triton? How you doing?"
"Come here, I wanna talk to you.
Got a question for you."
"Where's Ariel's mom at? Is she dead or...?"
"You two get divorced? You stop fucking?
You in an open situation?"
"Where is she?"
"All right,
I got another question for you."
[audience laughing]
"Where's your dick at?
You got a dick under that tail?"
[audience laughing]
So I meet up
with the 55-year-old in person.
We sit down to dinner.
I take a look at him, and I was like...
"Huh."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, you're not 55, are you?"
He was like, "No, I'm 60."
"Ali, look, I'm really sorry, okay?"
"I should've come clean to you
about this sooner. I was just..."
"I was so excited to meet you."
"When I first joined the app,
I accidentally, honestly,
entered in my birthday in wrong,
and the app wouldn't let me
go back and change it."
"And because that app is so exclusive,
I didn't wanna get on the waitlist again."
"And yes, all of those pictures
on my profile
are admittedly from five years ago
when I first joined,
because I've just simply been too lazy
to take and upload new ones."
"Ali, look, I really apologize, okay?"
"And I totally get it if you just
wanna get up and leave right now."
I was like, "No, it's fine, you know?"
"We're already here,
and gas so expensive."
[audience laughing]
And I said to him,
"Hey, now that I'm seeing you in person,
yes, you do look a little bit older,
but I have to say,
you have the most beautiful,
interesting eyes
that I've ever seen in my life."
And he was like, "Oh." [chuckles softly]
"Yeah, that's 'cause I have glaucoma."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "You should've kept
that shit to yourself, man."
Now when I go to the bathroom,
I have to Google,
"What is glaucoma?"
[audience laughing]
It's wild, because, you know, I'm 42.
I've never fucked
a 60-year-old man before.
And I have to say
that it was awesome.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
It was, it really was.
I would highly recommend
fucking a 60-year-old man
if you like it when a man cums
and he screams violently...
[audience laughing]
...as if you were pulling his nose
right off of his face.
Just... [screams]
You know, really makes you feel alive
because he might be dead.
[audience laughing]
Oh, fucking a dude that's 60
is especially great
if you're into it when a man ejaculates
and then he physically collapses
on top of you.
And then you feel
like you just pulled the wrong piece
out of a Jenga tower, right?
Like, you thought
you were gonna go down in history
as this Asian-American pioneer
of motherhood and comedy,
but no,
your legacy is you're a murderer now.
That's how you'll be remembered.
Oh, but the best part
about fucking a dude that's 60
is that you get to hear a story...
[audience laughing]
...that he already told you on Tuesday...
[audience laughing]
...that he's gonna repeat to you on Friday,
about a half-court shot
he once made in 1985.
[audience laughing]
Listen, I am being sincere
when I said that it was awesome,
because it was, okay?
Let's not forget that this dude
is a former pro surfer.
So he's been fucking women his whole life.
Whole life.
He's got all kinds of tricks
up his sleeve.
All this shit, right?
This shit.
Spitting on his knee. [mimics spitting]
This shit. You know?
[chuckles]
Then spitting on his toes.
[mimics spitting]
I've never seen that before.
Whoo! Like, using his leg like a tentacle.
'Cause he's a man of the ocean, you know?
He got an octopus teacher.
He got seahorse friends
advising him and shit.
He is one with the mollusks.
He's Aquaman.
[audience laughing]
Uh... And then he was looking at me
the entire time
with those iridescent Night King eyes.
[audience laughing]
Those hologram
"winter is coming" eyes, you know?
Made the whole experience
both majestic and terrifying.
Had me feeling like if I failed
to cum at the same time as him,
he was gonna put a curse on me.
And then at midnight,
I was gonna turn into
a little baby Minotaur with psoriasis.
[audience laughs]
We did climax simultaneously.
Very rare for the first time
you fuck somebody.
And it was amazing, it was very intense.
Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing.
It was great.
Uh... But then he screamed in my ear.
[audience laughing]
And I swear to God, it was so loud...
it made my vision blurry.
[audience laughing]
And then he just went full boneless
and turned into a 200 lb
human flesh puppet on top of me.
He just wouldn't move.
And my heart sank to my stomach.
I was like, "Oh, my God, he's dead."
[audience laughing]
And then when he started breathing again,
I've never felt
relief like that in my life.
Spread to my fingertips,
my toes, and my nose.
It was like I came twice.
[audience laughing]
The only sensation better than an orgasm
is knowing you're not actually
gonna go to jail.
[audience laughing]
The first person to contact me
after the announcement of my divorce
was this 25-year-old half-Vietnamese bro
from Texas, living in Chicago.
And he was super-duper hot,
but I was very reticent to respond to him
because he's 25 years old.
That's young.
That means he doesn't know
who Kato Kaelin is,
he's never drunk Crystal Pepsi
or watched E.T.
Like, what the fuck
are we gonna talk about, you know?
[audience laughing]
So I was ignoring his DMs,
and then he sent me a thirst-trap video.
That's way past my time, okay?
I've never received one of those before,
so I didn't know what was happening.
He sends me this video
where he's in a bathroom
and the shower's running.
I was like,
"What's going on? This kid okay?"
"Is he depressed or something?"
"Is he about to hurt himself?
Is this a cry for help?"
And then he proceeded
to take off his shirt,
and he was just jacked,
and then he did that shit with his pecs.
- Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
- [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Like a Toni Braxton video.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
And then he proceeded
to adjust his sweatpants.
And then he was like... [smacking lips]
And then the video ends,
and I was like... [gasps]
[audience laughing]
And then I watched the video
ten more times.
[audience laughs]
Each time, just zeroing in more and more
at that part at the end
where he's adjusting his sweatpants.
I'm trying to detect from the lighting,
from the tug of the fabric,
like, how big is this thing, you know?
My God, he was so smart to not show me it,
but instead show me the silhouette of it.
It was very burlesque of him.
[audience laughing]
[man whooping]
So he flew to LA,
and I fucked the shit out of him.
- [audience laughing]
- Oh, my God. Oh!
[audience cheering, applauding]
It was so good.
My toes are curled up in two fists
right now just thinking about it again.
It was so good that I decided
to fly to Chicago two weeks later
to fuck him again.
[audience cheering]
Yes. And I could tell that he was broke,
because all of his thirst-trap videos
were filmed in a YMCA bathroom.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ali clears throat]
So I called him up
before I left for Chicago,
and I said,
"Hey, I'm so excited to see you again,
and, uh, I wanna stay at a nice hotel."
"I wanna eat at great restaurants,
and I wanna do fun things."
"So while I'm there,
I'm gonna pay for everything."
He was like, "Sick."
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs in relief]
"Cowabunga..." [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I land there,
and we have a great night together.
And then in the morning, he was like,
"What'd you wanna do today?"
I was like, "I wanna go to the museum."
He was like, "I'm down to see dinosaurs."
[audience laughing]
I like, "No, man, I wanna go
to the Art Institute of Chicago.
"It is arguably
the best museum in the US."
"It's where that famous scene
from Ferris Bueller's Day Off was filmed."
"Oh, my God."
"You don't know
what Ferris Bueller's Day Off is."
[audience laughs]
And so we go there,
and because it's my favorite museum,
we spent three hours there.
I didn't realize that
until we were leaving.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
we've been here for three hours."
"Are you okay?"
"Was that, like,
total utter torture for you?"
He was like, "No."
"All this art? Fire!"
[audience laughing]
"Fire, bro. That dude Monet? Fire."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Did you just say...
[mispronouncing] 'Monet'?"
[audience laughing]
"Okay, I'm gonna fuck you
like six more times."
[audience laughing]
Traditionally, I have exclusively dated
Asian-American men.
I still find them to be the sexiest. I do.
Like when I watched Squid Game,
I was like, "Oh, my God."
Whoo! "I like that one, I like that one,
I like that one, and I like that one."
And then when I watched
Avatar: The Last Airbender, the cartoon,
I was like,
"I like that one, I like that one,
I like that one, I like that one."
I like Prince Zuko, I like Uncle Iroh,
I like Appa. I like all of them.
- [audience laughing]
- [laughs]
So, you know, historically,
I have exclusively dated
Asian-American men,
but I have now opened myself up
to taste the rainbow.
[audience laughing]
Yes. And for the first time in my life,
I have dated quite a few white men.
That's not really part of the rainbow...
[audience laughing]
...but it's like the cloud
at the end of the rainbow.
And I do believe
that the precipitation from clouds
is crucial to the forma...
You know what? I'm not a climatologist.
You get it, okay?
In the past two years,
I've fucked a lot of dudes named Blake.
[audience laughing]
And for whatever reason,
it has specifically been
a lot of white dudes from the Midwest.
And while all of them
have been oh so very kind,
I don't know that me
and any of those dudes
could've lasted long-term,
because these white dudes
from the Midwest,
their diet, their palate, is so limited.
I'm a very adventurous eater, okay?
I eat pigs' feet, I eat durian,
I eat snails, I eat everything. Yeah.
But these white dudes from the Midwest,
they get diarrhea...
[audience laughing]
...every time they eat a dish that's not
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Oh, my God, Blake,
you have diarrhea again?"
"From soy sauce?"
"The Kikkoman soy sauce
was too spicy for you, Blake?"
"Do you wanna get
extra mild soy sauce next time?"
"Do you wanna just dip
your California roll
in mayonnaise water moving forward?"
[audience laughing]
Then these white dudes from the Midwest,
they're always yucking my yum,
acting like the food I eat
is gross and crazy.
I'm like, "No, Blake.
The food you eat is gross and crazy."
One night for dinner, I witness Blake
eat a slice of cheese pizza
with a glass of cold milk
and ice cream for dessert.
He had milk three ways.
[audience laughing]
A straight tres leches meal...
[audience laughing]
...was the most lactose-tolerant human being
I'd ever met in my life.
He was like a cat, a mouse,
and a toddler wrapped up in one.
[audience laughing]
[scoffs]
Oh, my God,
it blew my mind the first night
we ate fried chicken together,
because you know,
I eat my meat to the bone,
like a good Vietnamese girl.
I eat the cartilage,
the marrow, the gristle...
[audience cheering]
...the skin. I eat everything.
Uh, Blake took one bite of his drumstick
and then moved right on to the next piece,
leaving enough meat on the bone
to feed all the Whos in Whoville.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Oh, what's for dessert?"
"Dollar bills on fire?"
[audience laughing]
And then one afternoon,
I take him to the San Gabriel Valley,
which is like the mecca
for Chinese food here in Los Angeles.
And I take him to this fantastic,
very authentic Chinese restaurant,
and we meet up with my college friend Hai.
And Hai was trying to be friendly
and make small talk with Blake,
and he says, "Hey, Blake, does Ali
have you eating all sorts of crazy shit?"
And Blake was like, "Yeah,
it's a lot of stuff that I'm not used to,
but I try to be open.
It's important to me to try new things."
And then Hai says to me,
"Ali, look what Blake just did."
And Blake had poured tea
for the three of us
into our rice bowls.
[audience laughing]
He was like, "I don't understand.
Where's the tea supposed to go?"
And then Hai pushed the teacups forward.
And Blake was like,
"But that's too small for tea."
And Hai was like, "Well,
it's definitely too small for rice."
Then he says,
"You know what? It's all good, bro."
"'Cause I was low-carb,
but today, I'm no carb."
[audience laughing]
And then Blake started flipping out
about all the tendon
and sea cucumber
that Hai and I were ordering.
And he's like, "Ali, can you please
just order me a pork bun?"
So I get him a pork bun,
and he ate it
with the paper still on.
[audience laughing]
I think for the longest time
I was so focused on getting dicked down
because the task of finding a boyfriend,
someone who I consider talented,
someone who makes me laugh,
someone who I have a real connection with,
someone who I look up to as an artist,
someone that I would feel proud
to introduce to my kids,
my peers and my friends and my mentors.
I mean, that seemed impossible, you know?
Like, if you wanna be
my boyfriend, too, just to start,
you gotta be a divorced dad.
Yeah. You gotta be a divorced dad
because I want a man
that's been pre-yelled at.
[audience laughing]
Turnkey ready, know what I'm saying?
I want that cast iron skillet seasoned.
I want a man whose inner spirit
has already been crushed by his ex-wife,
my guardian angel, my master, my shifu,
who has ordered him around to death
and taken half of his money
so that I seem like an easygoing
cheerleader in comparison.
One woman's trash
is another woman's trained trash.
[audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
- [man] Yeah!
I don't want a man that's broke,
but I do want a man that's broken, okay?
Yeah, I wanna see some dings
on that CARFAX report.
I wanna see that in 2020,
there was a head-on collision
when David put the wet dishes
on top of the dry dishes.
[audience laughing]
I don't want one of these dudes
that's 40 years old,
been single their whole life,
no marriage, no kids.
Uh-uh.
Those men age, but they don't grow up.
[audience laughing]
Right? They get very easily overwhelmed.
[audience laughing]
I want a man
that doesn't take an entire day
to put a duvet cover on a duvet.
I want a man who knows how to buy
other fruit besides bananas.
[audience laughing]
And look, if you wanna be my boyfriend,
I accept occasional
erectile dysfunction, okay?
Yeah, we're 40.
Erectile dysfunction
is like climate change.
It's here. Don't be in denial.
[audience laughing]
I accept occasional erectile dysfunction,
just as long as you know how to pivot.
You have to pivot fast.
You gotta eat out my ass right away.
Right away.
Within milliseconds.
Nothing will make me
forget and forgive faster
than when you place
the hole where food goes in
right on top of the hole
where food goes out.
Ooh! You know? It's a complete reset.
It's like the Men in Black pen.
This is the new beginning now. You know?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
What I definitely don't want
instead of the pivot
is to have to hear the excuse,
the explanation, the speech,
as to why your boner has gone soft.
[in a high-pitched voice] "Oh,
I've had a very stressful day."
"I had a long Zoom, and then I played
pickleball for two hours."
"I'm exhausted. A lot on my mind.
My grandma's sick..."
Nobody gives a shit.
Put your tongue in the booty hole now.
[audience laughing]
Lengua en el culo ahorita.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
All right, I think this next point
should be obvious.
If you wanna be my boyfriend,
you better be nasty.
Yeah. A lot of men out there aren't nasty.
A lot of men refuse to kiss
after they've cum in your mouth.
How rude.
[audience laughing]
I just sucked your dick.
My knees have those puffy
red circles on them.
My topknot has migrated
to the side of my head.
[audience laughing]
And you can't...
[mimicking kiss]
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Thank you, Emmy,
Golden Globe winner Ali Wong...
[audience cheering]
...for sucking my dick."
That's your jizz in my mouth.
Why are you acting grossed out?
That's like being like, "Ugh! Who farted?"
"You farted. You jizzed and you farted."
[audience laughing]
"That's your fart, your cum,
your responsibility. Now kiss me."
[audience laughing]
"You know what?
Your jizz isn't even in my mouth anymore,
because I swallowed it
since I'm a kind six."
[audience laughing]
I should clarify, there are no globs
of jizz in my mouth anymore.
There is a film, a coating,
a whisper, if you will,
similar to when you eat a bag of Cheetos.
The Cheetos are in your tummy,
but the orange dust,
the sabor, the essence,
the spirit of the Cheeto,
still remains and lingers. Yes.
[man whoops]
[chuckles]
Look, I'm not saying
you have to give me head
day one of my period.
That's disgusting, okay?
I know the difference
between nasty and disgusting.
That's disgusting.
You do not have to give me head
day one of my period.
But when we have landed at day four...
and it has petered out
into a watery salsa...
[audience laughing hysterically]
What are you scared of, you baby?
There's iron in there, okay?
[audience laughing hysterically]
There's nutritional benefit.
Tomorrow, you can skip putting spinach
in your smoothie because of me.
[audience laughing]
So while I was very focused
on getting dicked down,
at the same time, I was always, deep down,
looking forward to falling in love.
I mean that.
I'm a romantic ho like that, okay?
I love falling in love. I believe
it's the best feeling in the world.
They call it "falling" for a reason,
because it's momentous, you know?
I love that beginning magical period
where you only see the positive qualities
in somebody else. Right?
And then you feel like a better person...
because you're pretending
to be a better person.
[audience laughing]
I like the challenge
of having to impress somebody else.
I like wondering, "Oh, my God."
"Does this person like me
as much as I like them?"
And then when you finally have sex
after all that anticipation...
[inhales sharply]
...it's never that good again, right?
Right? When they enter you
for the first time,
and you give each other that look...
You know, that look that's just like...
- [breath shaking]
- [audience laughing]
It's so good.
Because they're not just sticking
their dick inside of your pussy...
Mm-mm.
...they're filling the hole in your heart...
[audience laughing]
...that you didn't know
was there in the first place.
Now, I have fallen in love once
since my divorce,
and that hole got filled. It did.
But it made me curious about
how many other holes are in my heart.
[audience laughing]
And if my heart is like Swiss cheese,
where there's different holes
of varying diameters
that require bespoke dicks to fill them.
[audience laughing]
I did fall in love once since my divorce.
I fell in love very hard
with this Japanese-American dude
that I met at a coffee shop,
of all places.
And my God, he was so stunning.
I had to go and talk to him.
He was 6' 8".
Yeah, I didn't know
they made us in that size.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
"Who's this?"
And then he turned out to be
this very talented drummer,
and a bunch of my friends knew who he was.
They were like,
"Oh, my God, Ali, that dude is the shit."
And he was so funny,
and, my God, he was so smart.
He spoke three different languages.
He was a divorced dad,
and we fell in love
head over heels so fast.
And we were getting ready
to go on this big trip to Asia together,
and then all of a sudden, one day,
he broke up with me.
And, uh... And I was totally blindsided.
I still don't know why he did it,
and I was devastated.
And I tried to hide
how bummed out I was from my kids,
but then they found me
in the closet one day,
listening to Tony Rich Project,
They were like, "Mommy, what's wrong?
Why are you so bummed out all the time?"
So that was sort of the impetus
for me to get back up on stage
and do stand-up again and go on tour. Um...
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah. Thank you so much.
Stand-up is the one thing
that's always made me feel
so connected to people.
And I gotta tell you that even though
that dude really broke my heart,
not for one second
did I ever regret getting divorced.
I mean it.
Because, you know, that drummer dude,
he came along,
and he filled this hole in my heart,
but then he left me,
and then that hole was empty again.
But at least I was single and free
to go on another adventure
to fill it. Right?
[audience cheering]
Yeah. And that freedom, it feels so good.
And I know that it can be
really intimidating
to get back out there
as a 40-year-old mom,
because you think to yourself,
"Who's gonna wanna fuck me
and my stretched-out cave pussy?"
"Who's gonna want this geriatric uterus,
these breastfed
National Geographic titties?
[audience laughing]
And I'm here to tell you
that as long as you're a kind six,
real men don't give a fuck, okay?
- [audience cheering]
- They don't. They really don't.
Real men know
that real sexiness is on the inside.
And I know, also, that, you know,
divorce gets a really bad reputation
and it can sound really scary
and full of acrimony,
but then just look at me
as an alternate example of how it can be.
I'm best friends with my ex-husband,
and then if you...
- Yeah, I really am.
- [audience cheering]
And if you can take away anything
from what you've heard tonight,
look how much fun I'm having.
[audience laughing]
It's crazy.
Like, I never thought I would have
this much fun, this kind of fun,
at this stage in my life.
I swear to God, divorce is so fun...
[audience laughing softly]
...that I almost wanna get married again...
[audience laughing]
...just so I can get divorced again.
And if you would like
to join the hotation,
please feel free to DM me. [laughing]
[audience laughing]
I'm just kidding.
I have a new boyfriend now.
I do.
[audience cheering]
Uh...
I did fall in love again.
Some of you might know who the guy is.
[audience cheering]
And, uh...
it just so happens to be the man
who sent me
all of those flowers in Europe.
I've been Ali Wong.
Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
All we have to do now
Is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me, yeah, yeah
Freedom, oh
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
- Freedom
- I'll hold onto my
Freedom
[inaudible]
My freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Give for what, give for what you take
Yeah
You've gotta give for what
Give for what, to give
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
[music fades]
[audience cheering]
Mission one, I'ma put this on
When he see me in the dress
I'ma get me some, hey
Mission two, gotta make that call...
[audience cheering]
Mission three
Got my three best friends
Like we do it all the time
We gon' do it again, hey
Mission four
Got the vintage Rolls
Drop a couple hundreds
Tell him, "Leave it at the door"
I ain't worried, doin' me tonight
A little sweat ain't never hurt nobody
While y'all standin' on the wall
I'm the one tonight gettin' bodied...
Oh, hi, Los Angeles.
- [audience cheering]
- [laughing]
Thank you so much for coming tonight.
It's been a very interesting
past two years.
I got divorced in 2022.
[audience cheering]
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
It didn't feel like that at the time.
[audience laughing]
And I didn't expect the news of my divorce
to be so widespread and public,
and I felt really embarrassed and ashamed.
But I didn't realize
that all of these media outlets
were acting like a Bat-Signal,
letting all potentially
interested men know...
[audience laughing]
...that I was suddenly available.
And I've never been pursued this much
in my life.
[audience cheering]
Oh, my God.
It's very, very exciting
and quite shocking,
because boys,
they never liked me growing up.
In the '90s, in high school,
guys, they weren't into
charismatic A cups.
[audience laughing]
But things have changed,
and now there's all these men after
my divorced-mom energy.
[audience cheering]
Yes.
A divorced mom is very special
because she doesn't want commitment.
[audience laughing]
She doesn't wanna have your kids.
A divorced mom
just wants to get dicked down.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[men whooping]
I don't care
how many brain cells you have.
I don't care if you pronounce
hors d'oeuvres "whores devours."
- I don't care.
- [audience laughing]
No me importa.
I don't care, as long as you have
a huge boner for me all the time.
I need you to have a huge boner
that's gonna poke my brain.
I need you to smash
my frontal cortex over and over
and just tenderize
all of my fear and paranoia
about AI technology. Just...
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
[audience cheering]
I'm not trying to trap a man anymore.
Mm-mm.
I'm trying to catch a concussion.
[audience laughing]
Yes.
I'm trying to drink cranberry juice
on the regular, okay?
[audience laughing]
That's right.
When I introduce myself to new men,
I'm trying to say hello like this,
"Hey. How you doing? Come here."
"I wanna talk to you.
I got a question for you."
"Have you had a vasectomy?"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles softly]
Uh, I really went on a tear
when I first got divorced.
You missed it. I was on sale.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I'd been married for ten years,
so I had that, like,
"just got out of prison" energy, you know?
And my standards were strategically low.
Like the less hair on the head,
the more hair on the body, the better.
[audience laughs]
I was hunting for a dude that was shaped
like a straight-up squash.
[audience laughing]
[man] I'm here!
'Cause you know what kind of energy
that dude's bringing to the bedroom?
Gratitude.
[audience laughing]
He will eat your pussy long, long time.
[audience laughing]
And you will be free of that guilt,
that concern
that you're taking too long to finish.
Instead, you're like,
"Yeah, you stay down there,
you lucky mediocre man, you."
[audience laughing]
I do have some standards
when it comes to getting dicked down,
like you gotta pay for the first date.
Yeah, come on, man.
You gotta pay for the first date.
I know that sounds crazy,
because I'm a millionaire.
[audience laughing]
- [audience cheering]
- Oh. [chuckles]
I am.
Don't let this Midsummer outfit
fool you now, okay?
I'm a millionaire, straight up.
But you still gotta pay
for the first date,
because you gotta show me
that you understand
basic investment strategy.
[audience laughing]
The money will come back to you, okay?
Trust and believe.
If you have faith in your product,
and it performs well on the market
and stays up...
the cost of those tapas
and that cacio e pepe
will seem like nothing
when I get you a two-bedroom condo
in Reseda, okay?
[audience laughing]
Yeah, Los Angeles proper,
that's too expensive.
But Reseda...
[audience laughing]
I'll get you stainless steel appliances,
side-by-side two-car parking.
I'll get you a TOTO toilet.
Ooh, you know what a TOTO toilet is?
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
A TOTO toilet
is this magical Japanese toilet.
The seat is always warm,
and then when you sit on it,
Hello Kitty and Godzilla emerge
and go like this...
[babbling]
...to your butthole, okay?
[audience laughing]
You know how expensive that is
to get Hello Kitty and Godzilla
to link arms and double-team your taint
after you take a shit?
[audience laughing]
Hello Kitty doesn't even have a mouth.
[audience laughing]
But I can make
the impossible possible, you know?
[audience laughing]
Listen, if I get you
that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,
you better be
at that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,
available to dick me down
when I am finished performing
at the Wiltern in my nightgown, okay?
- [audience cheering]
- Yes.
You better be there,
because you cannot be both poor and busy.
[audience laughing]
That is an unacceptable combination.
Why don't we just add ugly
and anger management issues
while we're at it?
[audience laughing]
And I better not catch you
subletting that second bedroom.
[audience laughing]
In 2022, I joined a dating app.
I really did.
And I paid $250 up front
for the entire year.
Because then you save $5 a month.
[audience laughing]
I might be rich, but I'm still Chinese.
- [woman] Yeah!
- Yes.
- [audience applauding]
- I still suffer from scarcity mindset.
I am still so devastatingly cheap.
Like, I will drink soy milk
long past its expiration date,
when it has transformed into tofu.
I will pour that
on my Shredded Wheat. I will.
I maintain a friendship
with a woman that I hate
simply because she has a lemon tree.
[audience laughing hysterically]
[woman] Yes!
The day after I joined that app,
I get a phone call from this dude
who I had met at, like,
two dinner parties in the past.
And he got my number
from a mutual friend, a mutual colleague,
and he was like, "Hey, Ali."
[chuckles softly]
"I just happened to hear the news
of your divorce today,
and I gotta tell you...
I'm excited."
[audience laughing]
"I am, Ali, because, look,
I have had a crush on you forever,
and I actually told
my best friend years ago
that you were my dream girl."
"And I know this sounds crazy, but, uh...
I want you to be my girlfriend."
[audience exclaims softly]
And I was like...
"I just paid $250."
[audience laughing]
"You seem really nice, but...
I gotta get my money's worth."
[audience laughing]
Shortly after that phone call,
I take off to Europe.
I arrive in London
and discovered that this man
had sent me a bouquet of flowers
that was this big.
And then I get to Amsterdam,
and he sent me a bouquet of flowers
that was this big.
And then I get to Cologne.
He sent a flower arrangement
the size of me.
And then in my final destination,
Copenhagen,
he sent me
six giant flower arrangements. [gasps]
I told all my girlfriends,
and they were like,
"Oh, my God, that is so sweet.
I am so jealous."
And then I told all my male friends,
and they were like,
"That dude sounds like a psychopath."
[audience laughing]
"Hey, are you okay, Ali?
Do you feel safe?"
[audience laughing]
That's how cheap and lazy men have become,
that now, when a fellow man
commits any act of kindness,
any romantic gesture,
it must be a symptom
of an undiagnosed mental illness.
[audience laughing]
It is true that boys,
they never liked me growing up.
I was always too loud.
I had a mustache.
They called me "booger girl"
because I picked my nose all the time.
So it was very cruel,
but very accurate, you know?
[audience laughing]
And now I'm 42, I'm a mother,
and something
has truly shifted in my favor.
And I think that what happened was that...
Men, you know,
when you're in your twenties,
all you wanna date is a ten, right?
At that age, you don't care about
the content of a woman's character.
You don't care about her creative output.
Uh... You know, the ultimate status symbol
when you're young
is to just date a beautiful, busty ten.
And then when men become 40, you're like,
"I don't wanna date a ten anymore."
[audience laughing]
"All I want is a kind six...
[audience cheering]
...that earns at least,
like, $15,000 a year,
and is generally a peaceful person."
[audience laughing]
But you're too late,
'cause all the kind sixes
have been snatched up.
And it's not the status symbol
it used to be.
It's not necessarily a good look
to date a ten anymore.
Nowadays, when we're 40,
you bring some hot
unfunny dummy to dinner,
all the women of substance at the table
are now mad at you
because we have to babysit this bitch.
[audience laughing]
While, you're here outsourcing
for intellectual stimulation and giggles,
we're the ones who have to listen
to her boring ass stories
about cauliflower rice
and the power of crystals.
[audience laughing]
- [audience whooping]
- Uh-uh.
You have ruined dinner for us,
and now we've all lost respect for you
because you have revealed
that you have bad taste!
[audience laughing]
The worst part about being
a female stand-up comedian
is having to socialize
with male stand-up comedians' girlfriends.
Oh, my God. It's so painful.
It's worse than being sexually harassed.
So many wasted hours of my life
having to sit next to these Instahoes.
These Instahoes who prey on my friend
because he's so ugly.
He's been ugly his whole life,
and no woman who looks like that
has ever looked at him.
And these Instahoes, they're smart.
They know that the day is coming
when these sunscreen companies
stop paying them
to pose in a thong
on an inflatable doughnut.
[audience laughing]
So to look out for their future,
they sink their pussy teeth
into my friend's bald ass head
until he can't think for himself anymore,
because they know he has a potential
to go far with his podcast
and not sign a prenup.
[audience laughing]
And because I'm a kind six,
I listen to them. I listen to them!
[audience laughing]
[exhales]
And because I'm a decent actress,
they think I'm actually listening,
when really, I'm just looking at them
in the eye and smiling,
but in my head I'm composing my wish list
for Amazon Prime Day.
[audience laughing]
I have to say, it's very nice
to feel so loved and adored
after being ignored by men for so long.
And I've received all sorts of nice gifts
from suitors in the past two years.
I've received flowers, bags, jewelry.
My girlfriends were like, "Oh, my God."
[scoffs] "Jewelry?"
"But, Ali, how can you accept that?"
I'm like, "Oh, it's easy.
I just accept it, you know?"
[audience laughing]
"It's the easiest thing
I've ever done in my life."
"What's not to accept?
It's beautiful, valuable, and free."
"That's a Chinese fairy tale.
I'mma take it."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
I don't see how refusing 24-karat gold
is the more empowering option.
It's not like when these dudes
give you a necklace,
then make you sign a contract, being like,
"Okay, if you accept this necklace,
then you agree to suck my dick."
[audience laughing]
No! You just say, "Oh, my God, Trevor."
"This is so thoughtful of you.
This is beautiful."
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
And then you just take the necklace
and then you walk away...
[audience laughing]
Or you suck their dick.
It's up to you. What do you wanna do?
[audience laughing]
It's your choice.
But either way, keep the necklace.
[audience laughing]
I became so addicted to courtship,
that I developed this problem
where I kept on breaking up with dudes
after three weeks.
After three weeks,
that's when they start to relax.
That's when the flowers stop coming.
That's when they stop initiating
going down on you.
[gasps]
You're fired, bro. You're fired.
- [audience laughing]
- Mm-mm.
I don't actually say "you're fired," okay?
What I say is, "Hey." [chuckles softly]
"I can't tell you what the past
three weeks have meant to me."
"You have given me
what I didn't even know I needed."
"And, my God, you are such a beautiful,
special human being."
"And I just feel like it's time for me
to really focus on my work and my family."
And blah, blah, blah! Right?
[audience whooping]
And the last dude I split with
was this big, fancy movie director,
and he had a very movie director
response to my speech.
He was like,
"That feels false."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
"That feels false, Ali."
"Why don't you tell me
why you're really breaking up with me."
I was like, "Okay, fine."
"Well, you know it's because
the last two times we hooked up,
you didn't initiate going down on me,
and I didn't really like that."
[audience laughing]
And he was like, "Well... [chuckles]
...why didn't you just
communicate that to me?"
I was like, "Oh."
"Well, because I'm divorced."
"I don't do that anymore."
[audience laughing]
Communicate?
That's married-people shit, okay?
I'm retired from that.
You think I got divorced from one man
to communicate obvious shit
to another man?
[audience cheering]
[cackling]
Fuck that lateral step.
I'm out here for a lifestyle change, okay?
You think I went through the shame
and stigma of divorce
to be out here in these streets,
saying shit to myself like, "Oh!"
"Sometimes the right thing to say
is the hard thing to say"?
[audience laughing]
You know, especially when it comes
to initiating giving head to a woman.
That's not something
that should happen upon request.
It's steps on the initiation.
I refuse... I refuse in the middle
of kissing a man to say to him...
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."
[audience laughing]
How humiliating.
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."
[in normal voice] What am I,
a villain in a Disney movie?
[in deep voice] "Fee-fi-fo-fum."
"Eat my pussy."
[audience laughing]
Do I have to spell out
all the basics to you?
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."
"Compliment my looks."
"Wish me a happy birthday."
- [in normal voice] It's like...
- [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I came up with that joke
while breaking up with that director
in real time...
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[laughs]
...out loud in front of his face.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
As soon as he was like,
[mimicking] "Why don't you just
communicate that to me?"
I was like,
"Well, what am I supposed to say?"
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy?" [laughs]
[audience laughing]
And then I started marching around
all the pretentious ass sculptures
in his living room.
I was like, "Fee-fi-fo-fum."
"Lick my taint,
or I'll blow your house down."
[audience laughing]
My God, and I was laughing so hard
at how hilarious I was being.
And I was so excited
that I had just come up with this joke
that I could make money off of later.
I was like, "Ooh!"
We turned that into lemonade
real fast, you know?
[audience laughing]
- [laughing]
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Yeah.
And I was so busy having fun with myself,
I wasn't paying any attention to him.
And then I finally looked up,
and he was like,
"That's not funny, Ali."
[audience laughs]
"Come on, that's really rude.
You know, that's not funny at all."
"Uh... All right, I guess
you don't know this, but, Ali,
no one has ever broken up with me before."
"And, you know,
there's a reason for that."
"So I hope you know that if you do this,
you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life."
"Because, Ali,
you're never gonna find somebody like me."
I was like, "Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.
That's the whole point of breaking up."
"I don't wanna be with you
or anybody like you again."
"You don't initiate giving head,
and you didn't laugh at 'fee-fi-fo-fum.'"
That's two red flags.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
And then he says to me,
"All right, you know what, Ali?"
"I'm in a really bad place right now,
and I swear to God, if you're serious,
like, if you really actually mean this,
I might kill myself."
[audience exclaiming softly]
I was like, "Go for it."
[audience laughing]
"Either way, we're not gonna be together."
"So same same, but different."
[audience laughing]
And then I said to him,
"I don't actually mean that, okay?"
"I think you're a good person.
We're just a bad match."
"And please save your energy
and refrain from threatening me."
"You don't seem to understand."
"I'm a financially independent
divorced mom."
- Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
"So, I'm not looking for someone
to build a life with, okay?"
"I'm not scared to die alone."
[audience laughing]
"And breaking up with you
is so easy compared to divorce."
"We don't have property together,
we don't have kids."
"So breaking up with you is nothing."
"It's like putting down a burrito
when I'm full."
"It's nada."
[audience laughing]
"But thank you so much again
for the necklace."
"I love it so much."
- "And...
- [audience cheering]
I'm going to cherish it
for the rest of my life
until I sell it on The RealReal, a'ight?"
[chuckles]
'Cause I'm telling you,
after you get divorced,
three weeks is perfect.
After that, I don't like it
when shit gets too real,
when these dudes
start to say things to me like,
"You know, Ali, I just...
I really feel like
I can be myself around you."
I'm like, "Please don't, okay?"
"Please just be
the best parts of yourself,
and then repress all the shitty parts."
"Save that for your friends and family
who are gonna be there for you
if you get diagnosed with cancer."
"'Cause I'm not gonna be there, okay?"
"I don't know you, man.
It's been three weeks."
"It's still unclear to me
if you're Filipino or Cambodian."
- "I don't know you!"
- [audience laughing]
"Know you!"
You know, I think, women,
when you're in your twenties...
I was like this when I was younger, okay?
You tend to get very flattered,
you tend to feel very special
when a man is vulnerable with you,
when he opens up to you about his trauma.
[fake crying] "You know, Ali...
when I was a little boy...
my uncle, he..."
I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?
"Hey! Snap out of it, man!
Snap out of it! Come on!"
"Let's keep it positive,
let's keep it sexy."
I'm here for orgasms and free oysters.
That's it, okay?
[audience laughing]
But if you're a kind six like me,
these dudes, they don't wanna
just dick you down.
In exchange, they want you
to be their mommy-therapist.
They call me up, and they're like,
"Ali, I am having the worst fucking day."
I'm like, "Well then,
hang up the fucking phone."
[audience laughing]
"I don't know why
you think it's acceptable
to spread that shit to my day."
"I'm having a great time."
"I'm in my professionally
interior decorated home
that's loaded with TOTO toilets."
[audience laughing]
I'm with my two daughters right now.
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
They're six and eight years old now.
Can you believe that?
Six and eight years old?
[audience cheering]
They were in that striped dress
and in that leopard dress,
now they're out and about,
six and eight years old.
We watch RuPaul's Drag Race together
every Saturday morning.
Yeah.
And then, they got these real cute
Asian Amlie haircuts
that I gave to them
ever since they were two.
I trim their hair every single day. I do.
They're like my little bonsais, you know?
[audience laughing]
I really do believe that, for a woman,
40 is the golden age...
[audience cheering, applauding]
...to get divorced.
- It is perfect.
- [audience laughing]
I'm so sorry if you bought
your wife tickets tonight
thinking that it would be a cute
anniversary or birthday gift.
But I have to spread the good word.
Forty is a great time to get divorced.
The age range of who I could date is huge.
It'll never be this huge again.
I could go as low as 25,
and then I could go as high as 55.
Uh... If you're 55, I got questions for you.
Like can you go on a brisk walk?
[audience laughing]
Can you lift heavy things?
Can you digest red meat
without getting a swollen toe
the next day?
Can you?
Puedes? Es posible?
Well, if the answer is yes
to all of the above,
then I'm open, all right?
So I matched with this one
55-year-old on the app.
And you could tell that he was 55.
He had salt-and-pepper hair,
it was a lot of gray and white hair,
but it was thick and long and lush,
and he had this beautiful beard to match.
And he was a former pro surfer
that continued to surf every day,
so he was tan and ripped.
He was old, but he was sexy
in this very eye-catching way
that reminded me of King Triton
from The Little Mermaid.
[audience laughing]
You remember watching that movie
as a little girl,
and King Triton floats onto the screen,
and you were like, "Oh"? [chuckles]
"Who is this ocean Santa Claus...
with a six-pack and a tail?
What's up, King Triton? How you doing?"
"Come here, I wanna talk to you.
Got a question for you."
"Where's Ariel's mom at? Is she dead or...?"
"You two get divorced? You stop fucking?
You in an open situation?"
"Where is she?"
"All right,
I got another question for you."
[audience laughing]
"Where's your dick at?
You got a dick under that tail?"
[audience laughing]
So I meet up
with the 55-year-old in person.
We sit down to dinner.
I take a look at him, and I was like...
"Huh."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, you're not 55, are you?"
He was like, "No, I'm 60."
"Ali, look, I'm really sorry, okay?"
"I should've come clean to you
about this sooner. I was just..."
"I was so excited to meet you."
"When I first joined the app,
I accidentally, honestly,
entered in my birthday in wrong,
and the app wouldn't let me
go back and change it."
"And because that app is so exclusive,
I didn't wanna get on the waitlist again."
"And yes, all of those pictures
on my profile
are admittedly from five years ago
when I first joined,
because I've just simply been too lazy
to take and upload new ones."
"Ali, look, I really apologize, okay?"
"And I totally get it if you just
wanna get up and leave right now."
I was like, "No, it's fine, you know?"
"We're already here,
and gas so expensive."
[audience laughing]
And I said to him,
"Hey, now that I'm seeing you in person,
yes, you do look a little bit older,
but I have to say,
you have the most beautiful,
interesting eyes
that I've ever seen in my life."
And he was like, "Oh." [chuckles softly]
"Yeah, that's 'cause I have glaucoma."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "You should've kept
that shit to yourself, man."
Now when I go to the bathroom,
I have to Google,
"What is glaucoma?"
[audience laughing]
It's wild, because, you know, I'm 42.
I've never fucked
a 60-year-old man before.
And I have to say
that it was awesome.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
It was, it really was.
I would highly recommend
fucking a 60-year-old man
if you like it when a man cums
and he screams violently...
[audience laughing]
...as if you were pulling his nose
right off of his face.
Just... [screams]
You know, really makes you feel alive
because he might be dead.
[audience laughing]
Oh, fucking a dude that's 60
is especially great
if you're into it when a man ejaculates
and then he physically collapses
on top of you.
And then you feel
like you just pulled the wrong piece
out of a Jenga tower, right?
Like, you thought
you were gonna go down in history
as this Asian-American pioneer
of motherhood and comedy,
but no,
your legacy is you're a murderer now.
That's how you'll be remembered.
Oh, but the best part
about fucking a dude that's 60
is that you get to hear a story...
[audience laughing]
...that he already told you on Tuesday...
[audience laughing]
...that he's gonna repeat to you on Friday,
about a half-court shot
he once made in 1985.
[audience laughing]
Listen, I am being sincere
when I said that it was awesome,
because it was, okay?
Let's not forget that this dude
is a former pro surfer.
So he's been fucking women his whole life.
Whole life.
He's got all kinds of tricks
up his sleeve.
All this shit, right?
This shit.
Spitting on his knee. [mimics spitting]
This shit. You know?
[chuckles]
Then spitting on his toes.
[mimics spitting]
I've never seen that before.
Whoo! Like, using his leg like a tentacle.
'Cause he's a man of the ocean, you know?
He got an octopus teacher.
He got seahorse friends
advising him and shit.
He is one with the mollusks.
He's Aquaman.
[audience laughing]
Uh... And then he was looking at me
the entire time
with those iridescent Night King eyes.
[audience laughing]
Those hologram
"winter is coming" eyes, you know?
Made the whole experience
both majestic and terrifying.
Had me feeling like if I failed
to cum at the same time as him,
he was gonna put a curse on me.
And then at midnight,
I was gonna turn into
a little baby Minotaur with psoriasis.
[audience laughs]
We did climax simultaneously.
Very rare for the first time
you fuck somebody.
And it was amazing, it was very intense.
Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing.
It was great.
Uh... But then he screamed in my ear.
[audience laughing]
And I swear to God, it was so loud...
it made my vision blurry.
[audience laughing]
And then he just went full boneless
and turned into a 200 lb
human flesh puppet on top of me.
He just wouldn't move.
And my heart sank to my stomach.
I was like, "Oh, my God, he's dead."
[audience laughing]
And then when he started breathing again,
I've never felt
relief like that in my life.
Spread to my fingertips,
my toes, and my nose.
It was like I came twice.
[audience laughing]
The only sensation better than an orgasm
is knowing you're not actually
gonna go to jail.
[audience laughing]
The first person to contact me
after the announcement of my divorce
was this 25-year-old half-Vietnamese bro
from Texas, living in Chicago.
And he was super-duper hot,
but I was very reticent to respond to him
because he's 25 years old.
That's young.
That means he doesn't know
who Kato Kaelin is,
he's never drunk Crystal Pepsi
or watched E.T.
Like, what the fuck
are we gonna talk about, you know?
[audience laughing]
So I was ignoring his DMs,
and then he sent me a thirst-trap video.
That's way past my time, okay?
I've never received one of those before,
so I didn't know what was happening.
He sends me this video
where he's in a bathroom
and the shower's running.
I was like,
"What's going on? This kid okay?"
"Is he depressed or something?"
"Is he about to hurt himself?
Is this a cry for help?"
And then he proceeded
to take off his shirt,
and he was just jacked,
and then he did that shit with his pecs.
- Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
- [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Like a Toni Braxton video.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
And then he proceeded
to adjust his sweatpants.
And then he was like... [smacking lips]
And then the video ends,
and I was like... [gasps]
[audience laughing]
And then I watched the video
ten more times.
[audience laughs]
Each time, just zeroing in more and more
at that part at the end
where he's adjusting his sweatpants.
I'm trying to detect from the lighting,
from the tug of the fabric,
like, how big is this thing, you know?
My God, he was so smart to not show me it,
but instead show me the silhouette of it.
It was very burlesque of him.
[audience laughing]
[man whooping]
So he flew to LA,
and I fucked the shit out of him.
- [audience laughing]
- Oh, my God. Oh!
[audience cheering, applauding]
It was so good.
My toes are curled up in two fists
right now just thinking about it again.
It was so good that I decided
to fly to Chicago two weeks later
to fuck him again.
[audience cheering]
Yes. And I could tell that he was broke,
because all of his thirst-trap videos
were filmed in a YMCA bathroom.
- [audience laughing]
- [Ali clears throat]
So I called him up
before I left for Chicago,
and I said,
"Hey, I'm so excited to see you again,
and, uh, I wanna stay at a nice hotel."
"I wanna eat at great restaurants,
and I wanna do fun things."
"So while I'm there,
I'm gonna pay for everything."
He was like, "Sick."
- [audience laughing]
- [sighs in relief]
"Cowabunga..." [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I land there,
and we have a great night together.
And then in the morning, he was like,
"What'd you wanna do today?"
I was like, "I wanna go to the museum."
He was like, "I'm down to see dinosaurs."
[audience laughing]
I like, "No, man, I wanna go
to the Art Institute of Chicago.
"It is arguably
the best museum in the US."
"It's where that famous scene
from Ferris Bueller's Day Off was filmed."
"Oh, my God."
"You don't know
what Ferris Bueller's Day Off is."
[audience laughs]
And so we go there,
and because it's my favorite museum,
we spent three hours there.
I didn't realize that
until we were leaving.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
we've been here for three hours."
"Are you okay?"
"Was that, like,
total utter torture for you?"
He was like, "No."
"All this art? Fire!"
[audience laughing]
"Fire, bro. That dude Monet? Fire."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Did you just say...
[mispronouncing] 'Monet'?"
[audience laughing]
"Okay, I'm gonna fuck you
like six more times."
[audience laughing]
Traditionally, I have exclusively dated
Asian-American men.
I still find them to be the sexiest. I do.
Like when I watched Squid Game,
I was like, "Oh, my God."
Whoo! "I like that one, I like that one,
I like that one, and I like that one."
And then when I watched
Avatar: The Last Airbender, the cartoon,
I was like,
"I like that one, I like that one,
I like that one, I like that one."
I like Prince Zuko, I like Uncle Iroh,
I like Appa. I like all of them.
- [audience laughing]
- [laughs]
So, you know, historically,
I have exclusively dated
Asian-American men,
but I have now opened myself up
to taste the rainbow.
[audience laughing]
Yes. And for the first time in my life,
I have dated quite a few white men.
That's not really part of the rainbow...
[audience laughing]
...but it's like the cloud
at the end of the rainbow.
And I do believe
that the precipitation from clouds
is crucial to the forma...
You know what? I'm not a climatologist.
You get it, okay?
In the past two years,
I've fucked a lot of dudes named Blake.
[audience laughing]
And for whatever reason,
it has specifically been
a lot of white dudes from the Midwest.
And while all of them
have been oh so very kind,
I don't know that me
and any of those dudes
could've lasted long-term,
because these white dudes
from the Midwest,
their diet, their palate, is so limited.
I'm a very adventurous eater, okay?
I eat pigs' feet, I eat durian,
I eat snails, I eat everything. Yeah.
But these white dudes from the Midwest,
they get diarrhea...
[audience laughing]
...every time they eat a dish that's not
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Oh, my God, Blake,
you have diarrhea again?"
"From soy sauce?"
"The Kikkoman soy sauce
was too spicy for you, Blake?"
"Do you wanna get
extra mild soy sauce next time?"
"Do you wanna just dip
your California roll
in mayonnaise water moving forward?"
[audience laughing]
Then these white dudes from the Midwest,
they're always yucking my yum,
acting like the food I eat
is gross and crazy.
I'm like, "No, Blake.
The food you eat is gross and crazy."
One night for dinner, I witness Blake
eat a slice of cheese pizza
with a glass of cold milk
and ice cream for dessert.
He had milk three ways.
[audience laughing]
A straight tres leches meal...
[audience laughing]
...was the most lactose-tolerant human being
I'd ever met in my life.
He was like a cat, a mouse,
and a toddler wrapped up in one.
[audience laughing]
[scoffs]
Oh, my God,
it blew my mind the first night
we ate fried chicken together,
because you know,
I eat my meat to the bone,
like a good Vietnamese girl.
I eat the cartilage,
the marrow, the gristle...
[audience cheering]
...the skin. I eat everything.
Uh, Blake took one bite of his drumstick
and then moved right on to the next piece,
leaving enough meat on the bone
to feed all the Whos in Whoville.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Oh, what's for dessert?"
"Dollar bills on fire?"
[audience laughing]
And then one afternoon,
I take him to the San Gabriel Valley,
which is like the mecca
for Chinese food here in Los Angeles.
And I take him to this fantastic,
very authentic Chinese restaurant,
and we meet up with my college friend Hai.
And Hai was trying to be friendly
and make small talk with Blake,
and he says, "Hey, Blake, does Ali
have you eating all sorts of crazy shit?"
And Blake was like, "Yeah,
it's a lot of stuff that I'm not used to,
but I try to be open.
It's important to me to try new things."
And then Hai says to me,
"Ali, look what Blake just did."
And Blake had poured tea
for the three of us
into our rice bowls.
[audience laughing]
He was like, "I don't understand.
Where's the tea supposed to go?"
And then Hai pushed the teacups forward.
And Blake was like,
"But that's too small for tea."
And Hai was like, "Well,
it's definitely too small for rice."
Then he says,
"You know what? It's all good, bro."
"'Cause I was low-carb,
but today, I'm no carb."
[audience laughing]
And then Blake started flipping out
about all the tendon
and sea cucumber
that Hai and I were ordering.
And he's like, "Ali, can you please
just order me a pork bun?"
So I get him a pork bun,
and he ate it
with the paper still on.
[audience laughing]
I think for the longest time
I was so focused on getting dicked down
because the task of finding a boyfriend,
someone who I consider talented,
someone who makes me laugh,
someone who I have a real connection with,
someone who I look up to as an artist,
someone that I would feel proud
to introduce to my kids,
my peers and my friends and my mentors.
I mean, that seemed impossible, you know?
Like, if you wanna be
my boyfriend, too, just to start,
you gotta be a divorced dad.
Yeah. You gotta be a divorced dad
because I want a man
that's been pre-yelled at.
[audience laughing]
Turnkey ready, know what I'm saying?
I want that cast iron skillet seasoned.
I want a man whose inner spirit
has already been crushed by his ex-wife,
my guardian angel, my master, my shifu,
who has ordered him around to death
and taken half of his money
so that I seem like an easygoing
cheerleader in comparison.
One woman's trash
is another woman's trained trash.
[audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
- [man] Yeah!
I don't want a man that's broke,
but I do want a man that's broken, okay?
Yeah, I wanna see some dings
on that CARFAX report.
I wanna see that in 2020,
there was a head-on collision
when David put the wet dishes
on top of the dry dishes.
[audience laughing]
I don't want one of these dudes
that's 40 years old,
been single their whole life,
no marriage, no kids.
Uh-uh.
Those men age, but they don't grow up.
[audience laughing]
Right? They get very easily overwhelmed.
[audience laughing]
I want a man
that doesn't take an entire day
to put a duvet cover on a duvet.
I want a man who knows how to buy
other fruit besides bananas.
[audience laughing]
And look, if you wanna be my boyfriend,
I accept occasional
erectile dysfunction, okay?
Yeah, we're 40.
Erectile dysfunction
is like climate change.
It's here. Don't be in denial.
[audience laughing]
I accept occasional erectile dysfunction,
just as long as you know how to pivot.
You have to pivot fast.
You gotta eat out my ass right away.
Right away.
Within milliseconds.
Nothing will make me
forget and forgive faster
than when you place
the hole where food goes in
right on top of the hole
where food goes out.
Ooh! You know? It's a complete reset.
It's like the Men in Black pen.
This is the new beginning now. You know?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
What I definitely don't want
instead of the pivot
is to have to hear the excuse,
the explanation, the speech,
as to why your boner has gone soft.
[in a high-pitched voice] "Oh,
I've had a very stressful day."
"I had a long Zoom, and then I played
pickleball for two hours."
"I'm exhausted. A lot on my mind.
My grandma's sick..."
Nobody gives a shit.
Put your tongue in the booty hole now.
[audience laughing]
Lengua en el culo ahorita.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
All right, I think this next point
should be obvious.
If you wanna be my boyfriend,
you better be nasty.
Yeah. A lot of men out there aren't nasty.
A lot of men refuse to kiss
after they've cum in your mouth.
How rude.
[audience laughing]
I just sucked your dick.
My knees have those puffy
red circles on them.
My topknot has migrated
to the side of my head.
[audience laughing]
And you can't...
[mimicking kiss]
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Thank you, Emmy,
Golden Globe winner Ali Wong...
[audience cheering]
...for sucking my dick."
That's your jizz in my mouth.
Why are you acting grossed out?
That's like being like, "Ugh! Who farted?"
"You farted. You jizzed and you farted."
[audience laughing]
"That's your fart, your cum,
your responsibility. Now kiss me."
[audience laughing]
"You know what?
Your jizz isn't even in my mouth anymore,
because I swallowed it
since I'm a kind six."
[audience laughing]
I should clarify, there are no globs
of jizz in my mouth anymore.
There is a film, a coating,
a whisper, if you will,
similar to when you eat a bag of Cheetos.
The Cheetos are in your tummy,
but the orange dust,
the sabor, the essence,
the spirit of the Cheeto,
still remains and lingers. Yes.
[man whoops]
[chuckles]
Look, I'm not saying
you have to give me head
day one of my period.
That's disgusting, okay?
I know the difference
between nasty and disgusting.
That's disgusting.
You do not have to give me head
day one of my period.
But when we have landed at day four...
and it has petered out
into a watery salsa...
[audience laughing hysterically]
What are you scared of, you baby?
There's iron in there, okay?
[audience laughing hysterically]
There's nutritional benefit.
Tomorrow, you can skip putting spinach
in your smoothie because of me.
[audience laughing]
So while I was very focused
on getting dicked down,
at the same time, I was always, deep down,
looking forward to falling in love.
I mean that.
I'm a romantic ho like that, okay?
I love falling in love. I believe
it's the best feeling in the world.
They call it "falling" for a reason,
because it's momentous, you know?
I love that beginning magical period
where you only see the positive qualities
in somebody else. Right?
And then you feel like a better person...
because you're pretending
to be a better person.
[audience laughing]
I like the challenge
of having to impress somebody else.
I like wondering, "Oh, my God."
"Does this person like me
as much as I like them?"
And then when you finally have sex
after all that anticipation...
[inhales sharply]
...it's never that good again, right?
Right? When they enter you
for the first time,
and you give each other that look...
You know, that look that's just like...
- [breath shaking]
- [audience laughing]
It's so good.
Because they're not just sticking
their dick inside of your pussy...
Mm-mm.
...they're filling the hole in your heart...
[audience laughing]
...that you didn't know
was there in the first place.
Now, I have fallen in love once
since my divorce,
and that hole got filled. It did.
But it made me curious about
how many other holes are in my heart.
[audience laughing]
And if my heart is like Swiss cheese,
where there's different holes
of varying diameters
that require bespoke dicks to fill them.
[audience laughing]
I did fall in love once since my divorce.
I fell in love very hard
with this Japanese-American dude
that I met at a coffee shop,
of all places.
And my God, he was so stunning.
I had to go and talk to him.
He was 6' 8".
Yeah, I didn't know
they made us in that size.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
"Who's this?"
And then he turned out to be
this very talented drummer,
and a bunch of my friends knew who he was.
They were like,
"Oh, my God, Ali, that dude is the shit."
And he was so funny,
and, my God, he was so smart.
He spoke three different languages.
He was a divorced dad,
and we fell in love
head over heels so fast.
And we were getting ready
to go on this big trip to Asia together,
and then all of a sudden, one day,
he broke up with me.
And, uh... And I was totally blindsided.
I still don't know why he did it,
and I was devastated.
And I tried to hide
how bummed out I was from my kids,
but then they found me
in the closet one day,
listening to Tony Rich Project,
They were like, "Mommy, what's wrong?
Why are you so bummed out all the time?"
So that was sort of the impetus
for me to get back up on stage
and do stand-up again and go on tour. Um...
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah. Thank you so much.
Stand-up is the one thing
that's always made me feel
so connected to people.
And I gotta tell you that even though
that dude really broke my heart,
not for one second
did I ever regret getting divorced.
I mean it.
Because, you know, that drummer dude,
he came along,
and he filled this hole in my heart,
but then he left me,
and then that hole was empty again.
But at least I was single and free
to go on another adventure
to fill it. Right?
[audience cheering]
Yeah. And that freedom, it feels so good.
And I know that it can be
really intimidating
to get back out there
as a 40-year-old mom,
because you think to yourself,
"Who's gonna wanna fuck me
and my stretched-out cave pussy?"
"Who's gonna want this geriatric uterus,
these breastfed
National Geographic titties?
[audience laughing]
And I'm here to tell you
that as long as you're a kind six,
real men don't give a fuck, okay?
- [audience cheering]
- They don't. They really don't.
Real men know
that real sexiness is on the inside.
And I know, also, that, you know,
divorce gets a really bad reputation
and it can sound really scary
and full of acrimony,
but then just look at me
as an alternate example of how it can be.
I'm best friends with my ex-husband,
and then if you...
- Yeah, I really am.
- [audience cheering]
And if you can take away anything
from what you've heard tonight,
look how much fun I'm having.
[audience laughing]
It's crazy.
Like, I never thought I would have
this much fun, this kind of fun,
at this stage in my life.
I swear to God, divorce is so fun...
[audience laughing softly]
...that I almost wanna get married again...
[audience laughing]
...just so I can get divorced again.
And if you would like
to join the hotation,
please feel free to DM me. [laughing]
[audience laughing]
I'm just kidding.
I have a new boyfriend now.
I do.
[audience cheering]
Uh...
I did fall in love again.
Some of you might know who the guy is.
[audience cheering]
And, uh...
it just so happens to be the man
who sent me
all of those flowers in Europe.
I've been Ali Wong.
Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
All we have to do now
Is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me, yeah, yeah
Freedom, oh
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
- Freedom
- I'll hold onto my
Freedom
[inaudible]
My freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Give for what, give for what you take
Yeah
You've gotta give for what
Give for what, to give
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
[music fades]