Alibi.com 2 (2023) Movie Script
What was Alibi.com?
It was a company that could fix
all your problems.
Fed up with a deadbeat husband?
We had the solution!
How long is your quarantine?
The doctors say
at least a week.
All well with the kids?
Fine. But I must admit,
I miss you too!
I have to go for my meds.
Good luck.
No money for a TV show?
We were there for you.
This show is a lifelong dream.
Soon, I'll be on the other side
of the world.
All doors for departure,
prepare for take-off.
After an 8-hour flight and drive,
we finally arrive
among the Watibou tribe.
It's another world.
Move your car, asshole!
Sick of being the school loser?
DORK
What a dork!
We took care of it.
Who's that girl?
Are you kidding?
You cheated with him?
Leave her alone.
You wanna get a "Will Smith"?
Shit, he nuked him!
He's so hot.
There were three of us.
I was the brains.
Augustin, the tech whiz,
was the hacker.
Medi was the smooth-talker.
In short, that was Alibi.com,
which I closed,
to save my relationship.
Although life now is
a bit less exciting.
I'm bored!
Want to make a model?
Something less geriatric?
What do you mean? Hang on.
You could focus on me instead...
I'd love to, honey.
As soon as I'm done.
I need it for the club tonight.
It's them.
Hey, guys!
Hi, Greg! How are you?
How's the aircraft carrier?
- Is it done?
- What?
What was that?
The aircraft carrier?
Coming along.
I'll add it to the fleet soon.
I just glued on my fourth chimney.
Someone's at the door!
Surprise!
Hello.
Oh shit.
Mr. Comard is a little upset.
Looky stole his phone again.
Sorry, Mr. Comard.
Yes, I'm very upset.
Don't let it happen again.
Or, next time, it's beddy-byes doggy.
Really?
- We'll be careful.
- Fine.
Right.
- Dessert?
- Sure.
Can you get me the fondant?
I'll be back.
Thanks.
All set and ready?
Yes, sir.
Thanks.
Hi, Dad.
Congratulations to the bride-to-be!
What do you mean?
I told you,
it's too soon to call.
I'll call you later, Florence.
Oops.
WILL YOU MARRY ME
Yes!
I will, my love!
Will you marry me, Flo?
Yes.
Come here.
It was the worst proposal.
But I'm the happiest woman ever.
Your father's was worse.
He said, "Want to pay less tax?
Will you marry me?"
I made up for it at the wedding.
We have the film.
I want to see!
Darling,
are you sure about this?
He did create an alibi
for your father's affair.
That was a bit cheeky.
I'll go repair the gate.
He's been down since Alibi.
He needs time.
But we haven't laughed in ages.
I laugh when I see your Dad shower.
I heard that!
I was thinking,
what about a vegan menu?
Please, no.
I already live in a zoo
since your Mum turned animal rights.
It had a broken wing!
Not the bird, I meant the monkey
that broke the gate.
I couldn't leave it!
They used it to test plastic surgery.
No kidding. Just look at it.
Cheeta Kardashian...
There he is.
To the future Mrs. Van Huffel.
We'll finally meet your parents!
About time you stopped hiding them.
Since they separated,
I don't see them much.
I might not invite them.
That's impossible.
It's the biggest day of your life!
You marry into a family.
For us, family is sacred.
It's happening now,
the biggest soccer transfer
in history.
Paris has spent 300 million euros
to recruit this new star,
already a Golden Ball.
He's landing right now,
here in Paris,
all the world press are waiting.
Hello,
I'll take your bags.
I'm glad you've come to Paris.
Now we'll win the Champions League!
It's that way.
It's just a minor sprain, Idriss.
Will you still be able
to play Auxerre on Sunday?
- Been there long?
- Three months.
I was training to be a pilot.
Shit.
How's Medi? What's he up to?
His narcolepsy meds
gave him insomnia, so he quit.
Now he gets fired all the time.
His last job was car racing.
Handbrake U-turn. On my signal.
Handbrake!
Accelerate again.
Two seconds behind.
Go on, accelerate.
Accelerate... accelerate...
Now where?
Where? Medi!
He switched again.
They've not noticed yet.
Where's he working?
There.
POST OFFICE
You're back on your meds?
Yes. I want to change jobs.
Why are we here?
Wanna be my witnesses?
Congratulations!
You were anti-marriage!
Sure, you saw my parents.
You must be so happy.
Yes and no.
My in-laws want to meet my parents.
- Oh shit.
- Definitely.
We can make an alibi family!
Like we did for DSK's son.
No way. Alibi is over.
I almost lost Flo because of that.
You've no choice.
It's your parents, or a last alibi.
Son!
How are you, Dad?
How are you, champ?
Still handsome.
You're doing well.
Gotta great deal on this house.
Nasty divorce,
the couple had to sell fast.
Marriage is such bullshit.
It's so good to see you, darling!
What's up?
I came to ask,
would you accept to see Dad again,
without fighting?
I'm not the problem.
It's your crooked father.
You'll have to check
he's not in jail.
It's not me.
It's your psycho Mum.
A chronic liar.
She says I'm a con artist.
But if you see her naked,
that's the real con!
Tell me,
why must I see your Dad?
Darling, you're getting married!
That's wonderful,
wonderful!
Sorry to bother you. I'm a huge fan.
Can I have an autograph?
You are an icon of charm.
"Appoline and Louis, 16 cm,"
of course!
I remember.
And this one.
"Scarbutt," goodness.
What fun.
And Rasta Wiener.
Rasta Wiener!
They were lovely guys.
There.
- Thank you!
We're ready for the spaceship scene.
Sure.
I'm coming.
Camera.
Action.
"Appoline and the Sex-traterrestrial"
Act 3, scene 2, take 1.
I'm happy for you.
Thanks, Dad.
I hope you've saved up?
- For the wedding?
- Divorce!
That costs the most.
Get the champagne, we'll celebrate.
Why's he in our house, Dad?
- Hello.
- Honey...
Call the police!
Let's go! Get out of here!
Police.
There's been an intruder.
Which one of you is it?
It's him.
Sorry, son,
but with my record,
I'd go straight to jail.
I'm going to trial
because of your shit!
The owners came back early...
People are so unreliable.
You're a pain.
This is our wedding castle!
- It's beautiful.
- Nice, right?
I have some big news.
This isn't your coming out?
My parents are coming.
That's great!
They can share the costs.
We should meet before the wedding.
Another bit of good news,
I found our wedding tape.
Want to see?
Let's go.
We found this crook
in our house.
Trafficking animals...
He sold cats and dogs,
passing them off as rare pets.
How awful!
I'm not violent,
but I'd punch that guy!
Right.
Shall we watch the wedding?
You played Eddy Mitchell?
You know your Mum's a fan.
Grard Martin,
will you take as your wife
Marlne Josphine Tiset,
here present?
Marlne Josphine Tiset,
will you take as your husband
Grard Martin,
here present?
Oh shit.
What the hell?
You taped porn over our wedding?
Erotica.
It's less...
It's more...
It's not the same.
- Dad, why?
- Why?!
He loves that fake-boobed Barbie!
- They're real!
- For real.
How do you know?
You're into her too?
No, you can just tell.
It's so strange.
I don't understand it.
Liar! She's your fantasy.
You had all her tapes.
You even gave me that
for my birthday.
No...
It's the same?
- Yes.
- I like the design.
You plunge down deep.
Well, you plunge...
You sit down.
Turn that crap off.
You're sick.
You marry into a family.
For us, family is sacred.
Emergency meeting!
I can't believe this.
If I bring my parents,
then it's over, for sure.
I need alibi parents.
They must be absolutely perfect.
My father must be charming and funny.
I've got a good one.
What's the difference
between cunnilingus
and a Swiss chalet?
The view!
Generous...
enjoy fine wines and, above all,
he must be an animal lover.
I love animals. Have lots.
Really?
I've got lamb,
elephant,
even some croc.
Sorry, sir,
but it won't work.
Is it because I am black?
Racist.
My Mum mustn't be
physically attractive.
No risk for my father-in-law.
Zero charisma, inconspicuous,
almost invisible.
When does she arrive?
I'm here.
It's been 30 minutes,
but I didn't dare disturb.
Perfect!
Thank you.
I've got a contact for Patrick Fiori.
He could sing at the wedding.
Flo loves him.
Great, right?
- If he sings for free.
Hi.
Sorry we're late.
Yes, sorry...
I see you've met my Mum?
I said hello when I arrived,
but you didn't hear.
I didn't want to disturb.
Hello.
How was the journey from Brittany?
Not great, someone stole my...
What's going on outside?
It's in the tree!
An old lady's cat is stuck in a tree.
Move aside!
My love, Marlne,
Grard,
meet my father.
- Son!
- What's up, Dad?
Hello.
Marlne, Grard,
I apologise for being late.
I had to check in,
then help an old lady
retrieve her poor cat.
We hadn't noticed.
We did. A bit.
- A drink?
- Sure.
Thank you, Josette.
I owed you one.
You got my husband
into a retirement home.
He was such a jerk.
Hello, pumpkin!
I hear you worked in South Africa?
Yes, I was lucky in business,
so now I devote myself
to work that earns less,
but means more to me.
Like what?
I set up an anti-poaching charity.
Wonderful!
As Gandhi said,
"We can judge a nation..."
"...by the way it treats its animals."
Exactly!
They say, a good quote...
always comes in Gandhi.
So, Dominique,
Greg said you work in media?
Yes, I sell discount TVs.
What was Greg like as a kid?
Give us the dirt!
He was a shy kid.
He loved writing stories.
He was a shy kid.
He loved writing stories,
wanted to write films.
He loved Jean-Claude Van Damme.
He loved...
- Jean-Claude Van Damme.
- Already?
Well!
You're here?
You too!
Our friend Maurice.
Why are you here?
On a date with a hot chick.
I think I'm close
to fulfilling one of my fantasies.
- Which one?
- Group sex...
How many people?
Two would be a start.
Since you started online dating,
you're unstoppable.
- What's that?
- Protein.
For my muscles.
Think this comes naturally?
- Can I take some wine?
- Of course.
How come someone like you
is still single?
DiCaprio is too.
That's true.
Actually, I'm single too and...
Congratulations, Flo and Greg!
I work at City Hall,
so I'll marry you!
My babe's here.
See you later.
Bye, Maurice.
Hi.
It went down the wrong way.
Great, Thierry.
Now let's move on to phase 2.
The Pope told me
That making love
Out of wedlock
Is a sin
I had to announce the news
To my parish
I'm a priest
I took a dose of whisky
To help write my sermon
I passed a sleepless night
Asking too many questions
But at dawn...
I wish we'd met your Dad before.
A lot of wrong notes.
Sorry, but...
I ran to my flock
My dear brothers
My dear sisters
Join in the chorus with me
No Boogie-woogie
before your evening prayers
The check, please.
The gentleman already paid.
Now love has become a mortal sin
Don't provoke your eternal father
No Boogie-woogie
before your evening prayers
It's all going to plan.
What will you do with them
after the wedding?
I'll say they got back together
and moved countries.
Now we move to step two.
Tell my real parents
the wedding is off.
Hi, Dad.
I can't talk, son.
I'm in a waiting room.
It's important.
I'll call you back.
I'll try my mother.
You okay, Mum?
I just popped by to see
your Godmother Nathalie,
so she can fix the dress
I bought for your wedding.
I'll go on video so you can see.
Do you like it?
It cost a fortune.
It's lovely, Mum, but...
And the shoes!
Aren't they lovely!
Satin and diamonds.
That's a funny face.
Don't you like them?
They're lovely. But I have bad news.
The wedding's off.
What?
Why?
We split up.
It's all cancelled.
Cancelled...
But you seemed...
so happy about the wedding.
But...
What are you doing here?
Right.
What are you doing here?
Enough lying.
Nathalie and I are in love.
Just like that!
Just as she inherits her fortune.
Her father died?
You're rich?
I had no idea.
Of course not.
You're a scumbag, a crook...
You're pathetic.
Son, save me! She's mad.
She's going to kill me!
Please...
With my best friend!
I'm so glad they're not coming.
Gotta go. I'm on trial
for animal trafficking.
Thanks, Dad.
Good luck.
Don't worry about your sentence.
With your record, I'm confident.
- Really?
- Sure.
I know the judge.
He's nice.
Good luck.
How are you, Mr Comard?
Well.
Extremely well.
That sucks.
If you leave the house
the police come, right?
I'm lucky.
I can walk to the mail box.
Delay the wedding?
I can't.
It's in under a week. Flo would flip.
It's paid. And my fake-Dad
won't be available.
What'll you do?
I have an idea.
The castle's gotta cancel.
So I need you.
Throw!
Shit! Damn chicken.
- Marco.
- What?
Folk to see you.
What?
Waddya want?
Hello, we work at City Hall
and we've good news.
We've found you
some land where you can stay
a few months.
A castle?
For my daughter Jose's wedding!
My wife'll be thrilled. Right, Jose?
That's me!
They have the same name?
When I call for a beer,
I get two.
That's my son, Jos.
The youngest.
We'll head off.
- Good luck settling in.
- Wait!
We thank those who help us.
We'll drink to celebrate.
It's 10 a.m.
So? It's never too late.
I'll tell you about Christophe
Who's not really very big
Marco, we're thirsty!
We're rusting up.
There's brandy in my trailer.
- What are you doing?
- It's there.
Not that...
What is it?
That's brandy...
What's wrong?
My husband's left me.
Miguel.
Why?
I caught him with another woman
in his arms.
So I ran him over with a truck.
I didn't know it was his Grandma.
Bummer.
Miguel... I miss him so much.
Who cares?
Let's find Jose.
Which one?
Don't drink that, you moron!
You told me to take the brandy.
That's not brandy!
What is it?
The memory of past history...
Now, it's an orphan.
Medi, it's Greg.
I'm calling Augustin too.
Okay, guys? Success?
Yeah, I think so.
Shit, I think I screwed up.
You didn't sleep with his wife?
I don't understand.
Are you nuts?
You want to get us killed?
How could you be so stupid?
What about Greg? The mission?
I think I screwed up too.
You suck, we've got work.
Get here quickly.
Coming!
Squatters at the castle?
Yes, travelling folk.
Really?
The owners say
they won't be gone in time.
What will you do?
Apart from a campsite, I don't know.
Everything's booked up.
It'll be cheaper.
I'm not in the mood for jokes.
It wasn't a joke.
I'm so upset.
I'll call you back.
If we can't get married in a castle,
the castle comes to us.
Thank you. We'll honeymoon next door?
You don't like it? Really?
I even hurt my ankle.
I'm ready to work from home.
As long as I marry you, I'm happy.
It'll be my second-best day ever.
After our first time?
Make that the second...
The first was over so fast.
I kept thinking of my ex.
Seriously?
- No way.
- I'm so clumsy.
My glass is empty.
That was so cold.
Thanks.
Now both sides match.
You're messing with me?
Watch out!
Or what?
You know who the boss is here.
- No.
- Oh yes.
- Not my boat.
- Put it down.
There, that's good. You see?
You're in for it!
Looky!
You sunk my ship?
It's the Titanic.
I said you were no match for me.
- You win.
- By the way...
You'll pay for my extensions
for the wedding,
of course.
So...
who's the boss?
Come to bed. We've got work tomorrow.
At home, the forests sway
And the rooftops scrape the sky
The mountain streams are wild
And the snows are eternal
At home, the wolves are at our doors
And the kids understand them
We hear the cries of New York
And the boats on the Seine
I'll go wherever you want me to
I love your desires and your light
All landscapes look like you
When you light them up
I'll go where you go
My country will be you
I'll go where you go
Whatever the place
Wherever the place
Did I ever say I love you?
That's a shame.
Not too tight?
To the airport.
- Hi!
- What are you doing?
How did you find me?
The invite!
You must be sad about the breakup.
We won't add to it by fighting.
So we've called a truce.
That's great.
I forgive you.
We'll talk later, I'm super busy.
We know about breakups. It's hard.
You can cry in front of us.
We're your parents, son.
We're here.
It's better with Flo.
All good, madly in love. Really!
That's wonderful news.
Everything's fixed?
Looky, where's my bra?
Is that her?
Introduce us.
No. That's my neighbour. Not Flo.
I live in the house next door.
Like an idiot, I noted it wrong.
Actually, let's go inside.
Let's go.
Come in,
please.
I locked the keys inside.
We can't go in. Bummer...
Don't worry.
I do it all the time.
Great!
Locks are like riding a bike,
you never forget.
There.
Welcome to my home.
It's big!
I'm dying to meet
our future daughter-in-law.
She's out shopping.
She'll be a while.
We've got time, we'll wait.
Augustin, it's me.
I'm in trouble. My parents are here.
I took them to the neighbour's house.
Isn't he in?
He's on vacation.
They're waiting for Flo
to return from shopping.
Play for time. We're on it.
Thanks!
You've reached Greg.
Leave a message.
Why are you wet?
Cheeta Kardashian played
with the plumbing.
What happened to your hair?
I'll explain. I have to fix it.
Come in.
Wouldn't you rather sit with us?
I've something in the oven.
I'll stay here, just in case.
We're here.
Your fake fiance has arrived.
I'll be right back.
Hi.
Miguel?
No, I'm Greg. Got that?
Not Miguel, Greg.
Yes, sorry, Greg.
Be careful.
They've done a good job.
Are you okay?
A bit stressed.
Don't worry, Shana. Just repeat
what I say in your earpiece. Okay?
Let's go.
Dad, Mum, meet Flo.
She's just arrived.
She's been shopping.
We were waiting!
Pleased to meet you,
Daniel and Appoline.
Pleased to meet you,
Daniel and Appoline.
Of course.
You're beautiful.
Lovely!
I love this photo.
I love this photo.
How are you, Flo?
Good! Why are you here?
Have you seen Greg?
We kidnapped him.
For his stag party.
He's at the airport.
In the rush, we forgot his passport.
Heading where?
Marrakesh!
Marrakesh? Okay.
Let's go?
- You could've said.
- It was last minute.
I brought you a gift.
Thanks, that's kind.
Thanks, that's kind.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
It's a candle.
A scented candle.
Jasmine. Don't you like Jasmine?
I love Jasmine. It was a joke.
I love Jasmine. It was a joke.
Great!
Let's light it.
You'll see how nice it smells.
I'm so glad
you've both made up.
Did you make your cake to apologise?
Dad, I was eight...
Whenever Greg got into trouble,
he used to make us a cake...
Shit!
That's my car.
It's clamped now.
Unclamp it! I need it.
...with candies spelling out
sorry, spelled SORREY.
I need my quota to pay
for my holidays.
Screw your holidays!
Fuck off.
It was so sweet.
Fuck off.
She...
makes a lot of jokes.
We were worried!
Never a dull moment!
Get out, I'm off to the pound.
You're going nowhere!
A small hitch, I'll be back.
A small hitch,
I'll be back.
You're staying after all?
I'll take your kids on holiday!
It'll be fine this afternoon...
It'll be fine this afternoon,
across the Paris region.
Weather will be mixed
from the northwest to the south.
In Brittany and the Loire,
skies will be overcast,
with low clouds dispersing to reveal
patches of sunshine.
Good to know.
Medi! We're not done!
And Happy Feast Day to all Raouls!
Of course.
I don't know any Raouls,
but congrats!
Happy Feast Day, Raoul.
So,
in the end,
what's happening with the wedding?
It's postponed.
After our fight,
I cancelled the castle.
It got booked up.
Now there's nothing available
until next year.
What a shame.
There must be a way.
Perhaps a nice hotel,
a guest house...
Stand back! Water!
That's alcohol!
Don't add kirsch. Greg!
Looky, the photo! Don't go in!
He's not home?
Greg? No, he's at his stag party
in Marrakesh.
Greg's parents are lovely.
His father is so handsome.
Such charisma!
He reminds me of my first love.
It wasn't Dad?
Men like flattery,
so I always said he deflowered me.
No way!
It was the '70s, darling,
we threw caution to the wind.
It was yoohoo!
Weren't you in the shower?
I had to get a towel.
- Something wrong?
- I'm fine.
Like I just bought a new car,
but it had mileage on it.
Is the house next door on fire?
Shit!
Is anyone in?
Yes? What is it?
Can I help you?
There's smoke coming out
of your house.
- The owner's out?
- I'm his mother.
Don't worry about the smoke.
It's just a curtain that caught fire
from a candle.
We were all a bit distracted,
because my son's wedding
is postponed.
That just happened to me!
Really?
What a coincidence.
We decided to marry in the garden.
In the garden...
That's a great idea!
Swooning over your son-in-law's Dad...
And lying to me.
I might want a paternity test for Flo.
It was 30 years ago!
How can you talk of lying
when you cheated on me,
said Appoline's videos
weren't yours
and those were diabetes pills?
Typical. Now you change the subject.
Stop acting innocent.
Men are all the same.
So no need to test out others.
Anyone there?
Hands up!
Another man sees you naked.
Are you okay, Grard?
I'm fine.
Shit!
Still okay?
I'm fine.
Marlne!
Help! Do something.
Please Marlne, stop.
Call for help!
It's a lovely garden.
Unless it rains...
Mum?
Why's she here?
Hello. Have we met?
There's a burglar!
What?
Call the police!
In this unassuming house,
a couple was attacked yesterday.
A horrifying experience,
recounts one of the victims,
who wished to remain anonymous.
My wife and I were relaxing
in the bathroom,
when we heard a sudden noise.
I was a bit scared, it seemed odd.
And then suddenly this jackass
appears with a knife...
A sword, in fact.
Now for the football.
Since ruining Paris's team,
Augustin has become a star in Marseille.
What's this?
Why are you all here?
Surprise!
You like it?
If you can't get married in a castle,
the castle will come to you.
The wedding is on!
Of course!
It's your neighbour!
Happened to her too.
She's lovely.
Unlike her mother...
Who's a real bitch.
You see,
everyone's here, even Granny.
Congratulations, my little Greg.
Thanks, Gran.
I always thought he was gay
as a picnic basket.
Her hearing aid settings
are broken...
What's wrong?
You look sad, you're not pleased?
I think it's great. But it's Flo...
She really wanted a castle.
She's delighted!
She's setting up the cocktail bar.
Hi, darling!
There's activities for the kids.
We have to watch Marius...
No, Marius! What are you doing?
Don't destroy the cactus!
This is impossible, we can't.
We need to change the date!
We can't do it on the fly.
Don't panic.
It's all fixed.
We can't change the date.
After my trial,
I'm not sure I'll be let out.
I'm not missing my son's wedding!
Of course not.
It's a nightmare!
This means two weddings...
The same day.
Next door.
It's impossible. It's way too risky.
If we had time, it'd be doable.
What do you think?
A photo of the Maldives?
For our honeymoon.
But it's a fake wedding!
We could have a fake honeymoon.
And fake kids.
Have you ever tried a moustache?
They're off to Flo's hen party!
Brilliant.
We've got time to plan.
Our luck has finally turned.
We need suncream for Marrakesh!
Marrakesh?
Where are we going?
How will Flo believe
I'm in Marrakesh too?
I might have a solution.
That's good. Great.
That's really good.
- Mr Hafid?
- Yes?
Will this work?
All the Moroccan clubs will want him.
But, Mr Hafid,
let's be honest, he's fat.
You can't say "fat" anymore.
What then?
Fat people no longer exist.
They do, but they're not fat.
You say "curvy."
Look at me, blink.
Tighten the belt, give it your all.
Work it, baby.
I'm so happy to work for you.
It's a childhood dream.
Abibi.com, how can I help?
It's Medi from Alibi.com.
Medi, my man, what a pleasure.
By the way,
thanks for the Moroccan license.
We're a hit.
Everybody lies here.
We need your help.
Hang on.
I'll get my Macbook.
I'm listening, Medi.
Greg's meant to be in Morocco.
Keep his fiance away.
That's beginners's stuff. Easy.
I'll take care of it,
she'll suspect nothing.
Shall we meet tomorrow?
I'll stop by to see you
at Club Marmara.
It's our song!
We interrupt the programme
for a news flash.
We interrupt...
the programme for a news flash.
Yesterday, in south Marrakesh,
a professional gang
of drunk women
broke into a mosque during prayers.
One was disguised as a princess.
Then they stole all the shoes,
during prayers.
Sacrilege, shock,
disbelief...
Girls, come see.
Girls!
Here's the proof on video.
Give us back our shoes.
We were that drunk?
Now authorities are concerned
about the disappearance
of the Ra singer
Cheb Aziz, AKA the reptile.
He was last seen at the nightclub,
the Marmara.
What is it?
- A knife?
- I can't go to jail.
My son needs me. His Dad's a jerk.
Is this a joke?
Hold on,
I can explain.
I'm just an intern.
I don't want to die.
- Why do that?
- I dunno.
It was a reflex.
Great.
Now what?
Hide him in here.
Not in a suitcase!
"Not in a Suitcase",
the new novel by Sam Sonitte,
published by Rolling Bags,
explores the world of illicit luggage.
I'm in a taxi.
It's Greg.
There in 15.
He's on his way.
No way. He knows my husband.
He can't come.
Great. So what do I say?
It won't work.
I know her, she doesn't lie.
It's her.
Why's she video calling?
You're meant to be in a taxi.
Let's go.
Honey, sorry to call so late,
I've only just got some signal.
We went biking and got stuck
in a sandstorm.
I'm so sorry.
What a shame.
I fly out this afternoon.
See you at home.
Yeah, okay.
I'm just five minutes from the hotel.
I can see it.
I'll call you later.
- Bad signal.
- Sure.
- Love you!
- Love you too. Take care.
Stop! He's hung up.
I can't believe she lied to me.
- Don't forget that.
- Thanks.
What happens in Marrakesh,
stays there.
Of course!
Love you, bye.
I'll just pee, then send it.
The wedding's tomorrow! Pee later.
Okay, fine. I'll send it now.
Is anyone there?
I warn you, I'm armed.
What's that?
What the fuck?
It's the big day.
Stressed?
A bit, of course.
I'll let you get ready.
See you at the wedding.
Thank you.
I haven't said "Yes" yet.
For changing.
Becoming a man I can trust.
Did I say I love you?
I love you.
Remember the plan?
We greet them, go to the altar,
and when I ask, you say?
"No". My ex is back and I realised
I'm still in love with him.
Perfect!
I act sad, they leave,
and I go to my real wedding.
Hurry, they're here.
- No news of Augustin?
- It's weird.
Hey!
He's so handsome.
Alright, Mum?
Dad?
We're proud of our son.
Calm down, kids.
Move it!
Marius is such a thug.
I'll hit you if you climb up.
What's that drone?
Jean-Pierre, my director friend.
He took amazing shots for
"Big Dicks in Wonderland".
He's very good.
Jean-Pierre!
Hey, uncles!
You brought beer?
Don't worry, it's for the match.
Go, Paris!
Still no news of Augustin.
Too bad, we can't wait.
And these wonderful reasons
are why I am so happy
to celebrate the wedding of Greg
and Flo, who made him happy
from day one.
Come on!
Now, the moment
we've been waiting for.
Grgory Robert Van Huffel,
do you take Florence Paulette Martin
as your wife?
I do.
Florence Paulette Martin,
do you take
Grgory Robert Van Huffel
as your husband?
Florence?
Yes.
Sorry?
Are you sure?
Yes!
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
For better or for worse.
Congratulations! How lovely.
Long live the happy couple!
I know it'll be a wonderful wedding.
You've found a wonderful husband.
Who loves and respects you.
Who's become an upright
and honest person.
Enjoy your day.
It will be memorable.
Flo's ring!
Don't worry. Now, the real wedding.
I don't have a ring!
- Where's Augustin?
- I dunno.
Hey, guys!
Thanks for coming.
My rickshaw!
Marco, look.
The gorgio who screwed your wife!
I'm gonna rip his head off.
I'll smash his face in!
First who cries loses?
With this make-up,
it'd better not be me,
or you're toast.
We did well with our daughter.
I hope she takes after her father
in terms of resilience.
And her mother,
for finding a wonderful husband.
You're not the first,
but you'll be the last.
Welcome!
I am very proud
to marry Florence and Grgory today.
For those who don't know me,
I'm a family friend.
People call me Maurice,
but, girls, you can call me tonight.
What joy
to marry you, Florence.
In fact,
you remind me of your Mum.
Her long legs,
slender and firm,
her corset that showed off
her breasts.
Jean-Pierre, delighted.
What the hell?
- Really!
- That's chick's bipolar.
Grabs my ass, then attacks.
You've gotta choose.
Who's the strongest? Me!
To be honest,
I'm glad Greg's getting married.
Less competition for single people
like me.
By the way,
any singles out there?
As I was saying...
I hope you'll embody
happiness and faithfulness,
like your mother
and
that's enough.
In short, Grgory
Robert Van Huffel,
do you take,
as your wife, Florence
Paulette Martin, here present?
I do.
Florence Paulette Martin,
do you take as your husband
Grgory Robert Van Huffel,
here present?
I do.
The rings.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Don't worry, his fall was broken.
He's fine.
Go on, I'll take him home.
Come on, kid.
Don't worry.
All good, I'm fine.
Marius is fine, don't worry.
That was quite a stunt.
Nothing broken.
Back to the party!
I want to be like Greg.
- What do you mean?
- Polygamous.
Greg's not polygamous.
He was giving champagne
to the neighbours.
Sure. Pay me a trip to Vegas.
If you pay, I'll keep quiet.
Scout's honour.
Shit.
This is it! Paris versus Marseille.
We're in bad shape, guys.
Accept it.
- Where were you?
- Never mind.
Thierry's gonna sabotage the wedding.
- For revenge.
- What?
I caught him on the CCTV cameras.
It's Thierry!
I hacked his computer and found
we helped his wife cheat.
He's going to make a speech
and tell all.
Now it's time for revenge.
We must warn Greg.
What's that?
Marseille reveals its hero,
who wounded Paris's new star.
Look, it's him.
Hey, you.
Come here.
We want a word.
Who are you?
This is my house, I have keys.
What's going on?
He went that way.
Did you see him?
That gorgio is dead meat.
Celle-Saint-Cloud police station.
I'm calling because
I have a serious problem.
We have squatters
in Celle-Saint-Cloud.
- Can you go?
- Got it.
Have you seen
a gorgio with a toilet seat on his ass?
Hide in the bear.
Can I try your suit?
Come on, kids!
Medi, it's on backwards.
Let's go, kids!
- That's sick.
- Stop him.
He's sick!
What's wrong with you?
Pervert!
Come on, kids, let's go.
One, two.
Can you hear me?
If you don't mind,
I'd like to start the speeches.
Sorry, but I hadn't finished.
Sorry, Dominique.
I'm nearly done.
I remember you, as a baby,
at the clinic.
I can't believe this tiny being,
I held in my arms,
is going so far from me today.
My turn to speak.
But it's more a surprise,
than a speech.
Please give a round of applause
for the great Patrick Fiori!
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
Shit.
Fuck!
He's there.
Hey, you.
Take that!
What the hell?
I'll show you.
What the hell?
Shana?
Did you see that fat bastard?
That's my father, bitch.
Don't insult my daughter-in-law.
You threaten my daughter?
What's your problem?
Fuck you, blondie.
Oh no.
Let me go!
Bastard.
That's enough.
The dove!
Don't look.
- Don't look, darling.
- Thank you.
I'm okay.
Come on, cry, you're sad.
Thanks, but...
I said I'm okay!
You're here.
Now you arrive?
Greg, we're in deep shit.
I noticed. Thanks.
Thierry's an Alibi victim.
He's out for revenge.
What?
He planned to reveal all in a video.
About your fake Dad,
fake Mum...
How you hid your real parents,
and hired a wacko for a fake wedding
with them.
But don't worry, I fixed it.
What's up?
Why is it silent?
I don't know.
What's all this, darling?
Darling?
You're with that fake-breasted cougar?
They're not fake.
She's not my mistress.
She's my mother.
Appoline is your mother?
Delighted, I'm father of the bride.
This is my father.
Not quite the same.
Hang on.
You organised all of this because
you're ashamed?
I realise it's not easy to accept
a petty crook like me.
But you know,
there's one thing I never lied about.
The love I have for my son.
For our son.
Well,
we'll leave you
to enjoy yourselves.
Well done, you win.
I'm crying.
For what it cost...
The divorce is ready.
You just need to sign.
Don't wait for the storm to pass,
learn to dance in the rain.
Find that online?
Yes.
You know what hurts most?
Not that you lied.
You didn't think I could understand.
I'm sorry.
Our parents would never have got on.
Parents will do a lot
for their children.
After all that, it's a waste.
It's my fault too.
I shouldn't have tried to change you.
Guys usually lie so they can cheat.
You lied so as not to lose me.
I'm glad you get it.
We're adults.
Let's stay friends?
Yes.
Great.
I have to go, I'm late.
Bye.
Patrick Fiori takes a career break
SORREY
Hello.
Hi.
Hugo.
Come in.
They're for your Mum.
... a concrete sidewalk!
- Hello.
- Thanks.
Have a nice day.
Darling.
Mum?
Why are you here?
Well...
I know the groom.
Really?
Come.
Your father wanted to be here too.
Hey, son!
What's up?
I love weddings.
Are you married?
Alibi revenge?
Congratulations.
You're ready to be hired.
We all have our flaws.
You're a liar, I hold a grudge.
My Mum once said you forgive
as much as you love.
Apparently, I love you.
And me, you.
Even if we had a bad start,
I'm sure the best is to come.
Thank you, that means a lot.
I'm sure we'll become good friends.
We're family now.
We'll always be behind you.
Well, behind...
I mean, together.
Wait, is this our wedding?
Lucky you're hot.
Medi, abort!
Do you hear me?
Medi, we have a problem.
Can you hear me?
What's up?
What's going on?
I'm not just a liar...
I'm also jealous.
Revenge!
Very, very jealous.
You'll pay for this.
You know you're gonna pay?
My dress!
It was a company that could fix
all your problems.
Fed up with a deadbeat husband?
We had the solution!
How long is your quarantine?
The doctors say
at least a week.
All well with the kids?
Fine. But I must admit,
I miss you too!
I have to go for my meds.
Good luck.
No money for a TV show?
We were there for you.
This show is a lifelong dream.
Soon, I'll be on the other side
of the world.
All doors for departure,
prepare for take-off.
After an 8-hour flight and drive,
we finally arrive
among the Watibou tribe.
It's another world.
Move your car, asshole!
Sick of being the school loser?
DORK
What a dork!
We took care of it.
Who's that girl?
Are you kidding?
You cheated with him?
Leave her alone.
You wanna get a "Will Smith"?
Shit, he nuked him!
He's so hot.
There were three of us.
I was the brains.
Augustin, the tech whiz,
was the hacker.
Medi was the smooth-talker.
In short, that was Alibi.com,
which I closed,
to save my relationship.
Although life now is
a bit less exciting.
I'm bored!
Want to make a model?
Something less geriatric?
What do you mean? Hang on.
You could focus on me instead...
I'd love to, honey.
As soon as I'm done.
I need it for the club tonight.
It's them.
Hey, guys!
Hi, Greg! How are you?
How's the aircraft carrier?
- Is it done?
- What?
What was that?
The aircraft carrier?
Coming along.
I'll add it to the fleet soon.
I just glued on my fourth chimney.
Someone's at the door!
Surprise!
Hello.
Oh shit.
Mr. Comard is a little upset.
Looky stole his phone again.
Sorry, Mr. Comard.
Yes, I'm very upset.
Don't let it happen again.
Or, next time, it's beddy-byes doggy.
Really?
- We'll be careful.
- Fine.
Right.
- Dessert?
- Sure.
Can you get me the fondant?
I'll be back.
Thanks.
All set and ready?
Yes, sir.
Thanks.
Hi, Dad.
Congratulations to the bride-to-be!
What do you mean?
I told you,
it's too soon to call.
I'll call you later, Florence.
Oops.
WILL YOU MARRY ME
Yes!
I will, my love!
Will you marry me, Flo?
Yes.
Come here.
It was the worst proposal.
But I'm the happiest woman ever.
Your father's was worse.
He said, "Want to pay less tax?
Will you marry me?"
I made up for it at the wedding.
We have the film.
I want to see!
Darling,
are you sure about this?
He did create an alibi
for your father's affair.
That was a bit cheeky.
I'll go repair the gate.
He's been down since Alibi.
He needs time.
But we haven't laughed in ages.
I laugh when I see your Dad shower.
I heard that!
I was thinking,
what about a vegan menu?
Please, no.
I already live in a zoo
since your Mum turned animal rights.
It had a broken wing!
Not the bird, I meant the monkey
that broke the gate.
I couldn't leave it!
They used it to test plastic surgery.
No kidding. Just look at it.
Cheeta Kardashian...
There he is.
To the future Mrs. Van Huffel.
We'll finally meet your parents!
About time you stopped hiding them.
Since they separated,
I don't see them much.
I might not invite them.
That's impossible.
It's the biggest day of your life!
You marry into a family.
For us, family is sacred.
It's happening now,
the biggest soccer transfer
in history.
Paris has spent 300 million euros
to recruit this new star,
already a Golden Ball.
He's landing right now,
here in Paris,
all the world press are waiting.
Hello,
I'll take your bags.
I'm glad you've come to Paris.
Now we'll win the Champions League!
It's that way.
It's just a minor sprain, Idriss.
Will you still be able
to play Auxerre on Sunday?
- Been there long?
- Three months.
I was training to be a pilot.
Shit.
How's Medi? What's he up to?
His narcolepsy meds
gave him insomnia, so he quit.
Now he gets fired all the time.
His last job was car racing.
Handbrake U-turn. On my signal.
Handbrake!
Accelerate again.
Two seconds behind.
Go on, accelerate.
Accelerate... accelerate...
Now where?
Where? Medi!
He switched again.
They've not noticed yet.
Where's he working?
There.
POST OFFICE
You're back on your meds?
Yes. I want to change jobs.
Why are we here?
Wanna be my witnesses?
Congratulations!
You were anti-marriage!
Sure, you saw my parents.
You must be so happy.
Yes and no.
My in-laws want to meet my parents.
- Oh shit.
- Definitely.
We can make an alibi family!
Like we did for DSK's son.
No way. Alibi is over.
I almost lost Flo because of that.
You've no choice.
It's your parents, or a last alibi.
Son!
How are you, Dad?
How are you, champ?
Still handsome.
You're doing well.
Gotta great deal on this house.
Nasty divorce,
the couple had to sell fast.
Marriage is such bullshit.
It's so good to see you, darling!
What's up?
I came to ask,
would you accept to see Dad again,
without fighting?
I'm not the problem.
It's your crooked father.
You'll have to check
he's not in jail.
It's not me.
It's your psycho Mum.
A chronic liar.
She says I'm a con artist.
But if you see her naked,
that's the real con!
Tell me,
why must I see your Dad?
Darling, you're getting married!
That's wonderful,
wonderful!
Sorry to bother you. I'm a huge fan.
Can I have an autograph?
You are an icon of charm.
"Appoline and Louis, 16 cm,"
of course!
I remember.
And this one.
"Scarbutt," goodness.
What fun.
And Rasta Wiener.
Rasta Wiener!
They were lovely guys.
There.
- Thank you!
We're ready for the spaceship scene.
Sure.
I'm coming.
Camera.
Action.
"Appoline and the Sex-traterrestrial"
Act 3, scene 2, take 1.
I'm happy for you.
Thanks, Dad.
I hope you've saved up?
- For the wedding?
- Divorce!
That costs the most.
Get the champagne, we'll celebrate.
Why's he in our house, Dad?
- Hello.
- Honey...
Call the police!
Let's go! Get out of here!
Police.
There's been an intruder.
Which one of you is it?
It's him.
Sorry, son,
but with my record,
I'd go straight to jail.
I'm going to trial
because of your shit!
The owners came back early...
People are so unreliable.
You're a pain.
This is our wedding castle!
- It's beautiful.
- Nice, right?
I have some big news.
This isn't your coming out?
My parents are coming.
That's great!
They can share the costs.
We should meet before the wedding.
Another bit of good news,
I found our wedding tape.
Want to see?
Let's go.
We found this crook
in our house.
Trafficking animals...
He sold cats and dogs,
passing them off as rare pets.
How awful!
I'm not violent,
but I'd punch that guy!
Right.
Shall we watch the wedding?
You played Eddy Mitchell?
You know your Mum's a fan.
Grard Martin,
will you take as your wife
Marlne Josphine Tiset,
here present?
Marlne Josphine Tiset,
will you take as your husband
Grard Martin,
here present?
Oh shit.
What the hell?
You taped porn over our wedding?
Erotica.
It's less...
It's more...
It's not the same.
- Dad, why?
- Why?!
He loves that fake-boobed Barbie!
- They're real!
- For real.
How do you know?
You're into her too?
No, you can just tell.
It's so strange.
I don't understand it.
Liar! She's your fantasy.
You had all her tapes.
You even gave me that
for my birthday.
No...
It's the same?
- Yes.
- I like the design.
You plunge down deep.
Well, you plunge...
You sit down.
Turn that crap off.
You're sick.
You marry into a family.
For us, family is sacred.
Emergency meeting!
I can't believe this.
If I bring my parents,
then it's over, for sure.
I need alibi parents.
They must be absolutely perfect.
My father must be charming and funny.
I've got a good one.
What's the difference
between cunnilingus
and a Swiss chalet?
The view!
Generous...
enjoy fine wines and, above all,
he must be an animal lover.
I love animals. Have lots.
Really?
I've got lamb,
elephant,
even some croc.
Sorry, sir,
but it won't work.
Is it because I am black?
Racist.
My Mum mustn't be
physically attractive.
No risk for my father-in-law.
Zero charisma, inconspicuous,
almost invisible.
When does she arrive?
I'm here.
It's been 30 minutes,
but I didn't dare disturb.
Perfect!
Thank you.
I've got a contact for Patrick Fiori.
He could sing at the wedding.
Flo loves him.
Great, right?
- If he sings for free.
Hi.
Sorry we're late.
Yes, sorry...
I see you've met my Mum?
I said hello when I arrived,
but you didn't hear.
I didn't want to disturb.
Hello.
How was the journey from Brittany?
Not great, someone stole my...
What's going on outside?
It's in the tree!
An old lady's cat is stuck in a tree.
Move aside!
My love, Marlne,
Grard,
meet my father.
- Son!
- What's up, Dad?
Hello.
Marlne, Grard,
I apologise for being late.
I had to check in,
then help an old lady
retrieve her poor cat.
We hadn't noticed.
We did. A bit.
- A drink?
- Sure.
Thank you, Josette.
I owed you one.
You got my husband
into a retirement home.
He was such a jerk.
Hello, pumpkin!
I hear you worked in South Africa?
Yes, I was lucky in business,
so now I devote myself
to work that earns less,
but means more to me.
Like what?
I set up an anti-poaching charity.
Wonderful!
As Gandhi said,
"We can judge a nation..."
"...by the way it treats its animals."
Exactly!
They say, a good quote...
always comes in Gandhi.
So, Dominique,
Greg said you work in media?
Yes, I sell discount TVs.
What was Greg like as a kid?
Give us the dirt!
He was a shy kid.
He loved writing stories.
He was a shy kid.
He loved writing stories,
wanted to write films.
He loved Jean-Claude Van Damme.
He loved...
- Jean-Claude Van Damme.
- Already?
Well!
You're here?
You too!
Our friend Maurice.
Why are you here?
On a date with a hot chick.
I think I'm close
to fulfilling one of my fantasies.
- Which one?
- Group sex...
How many people?
Two would be a start.
Since you started online dating,
you're unstoppable.
- What's that?
- Protein.
For my muscles.
Think this comes naturally?
- Can I take some wine?
- Of course.
How come someone like you
is still single?
DiCaprio is too.
That's true.
Actually, I'm single too and...
Congratulations, Flo and Greg!
I work at City Hall,
so I'll marry you!
My babe's here.
See you later.
Bye, Maurice.
Hi.
It went down the wrong way.
Great, Thierry.
Now let's move on to phase 2.
The Pope told me
That making love
Out of wedlock
Is a sin
I had to announce the news
To my parish
I'm a priest
I took a dose of whisky
To help write my sermon
I passed a sleepless night
Asking too many questions
But at dawn...
I wish we'd met your Dad before.
A lot of wrong notes.
Sorry, but...
I ran to my flock
My dear brothers
My dear sisters
Join in the chorus with me
No Boogie-woogie
before your evening prayers
The check, please.
The gentleman already paid.
Now love has become a mortal sin
Don't provoke your eternal father
No Boogie-woogie
before your evening prayers
It's all going to plan.
What will you do with them
after the wedding?
I'll say they got back together
and moved countries.
Now we move to step two.
Tell my real parents
the wedding is off.
Hi, Dad.
I can't talk, son.
I'm in a waiting room.
It's important.
I'll call you back.
I'll try my mother.
You okay, Mum?
I just popped by to see
your Godmother Nathalie,
so she can fix the dress
I bought for your wedding.
I'll go on video so you can see.
Do you like it?
It cost a fortune.
It's lovely, Mum, but...
And the shoes!
Aren't they lovely!
Satin and diamonds.
That's a funny face.
Don't you like them?
They're lovely. But I have bad news.
The wedding's off.
What?
Why?
We split up.
It's all cancelled.
Cancelled...
But you seemed...
so happy about the wedding.
But...
What are you doing here?
Right.
What are you doing here?
Enough lying.
Nathalie and I are in love.
Just like that!
Just as she inherits her fortune.
Her father died?
You're rich?
I had no idea.
Of course not.
You're a scumbag, a crook...
You're pathetic.
Son, save me! She's mad.
She's going to kill me!
Please...
With my best friend!
I'm so glad they're not coming.
Gotta go. I'm on trial
for animal trafficking.
Thanks, Dad.
Good luck.
Don't worry about your sentence.
With your record, I'm confident.
- Really?
- Sure.
I know the judge.
He's nice.
Good luck.
How are you, Mr Comard?
Well.
Extremely well.
That sucks.
If you leave the house
the police come, right?
I'm lucky.
I can walk to the mail box.
Delay the wedding?
I can't.
It's in under a week. Flo would flip.
It's paid. And my fake-Dad
won't be available.
What'll you do?
I have an idea.
The castle's gotta cancel.
So I need you.
Throw!
Shit! Damn chicken.
- Marco.
- What?
Folk to see you.
What?
Waddya want?
Hello, we work at City Hall
and we've good news.
We've found you
some land where you can stay
a few months.
A castle?
For my daughter Jose's wedding!
My wife'll be thrilled. Right, Jose?
That's me!
They have the same name?
When I call for a beer,
I get two.
That's my son, Jos.
The youngest.
We'll head off.
- Good luck settling in.
- Wait!
We thank those who help us.
We'll drink to celebrate.
It's 10 a.m.
So? It's never too late.
I'll tell you about Christophe
Who's not really very big
Marco, we're thirsty!
We're rusting up.
There's brandy in my trailer.
- What are you doing?
- It's there.
Not that...
What is it?
That's brandy...
What's wrong?
My husband's left me.
Miguel.
Why?
I caught him with another woman
in his arms.
So I ran him over with a truck.
I didn't know it was his Grandma.
Bummer.
Miguel... I miss him so much.
Who cares?
Let's find Jose.
Which one?
Don't drink that, you moron!
You told me to take the brandy.
That's not brandy!
What is it?
The memory of past history...
Now, it's an orphan.
Medi, it's Greg.
I'm calling Augustin too.
Okay, guys? Success?
Yeah, I think so.
Shit, I think I screwed up.
You didn't sleep with his wife?
I don't understand.
Are you nuts?
You want to get us killed?
How could you be so stupid?
What about Greg? The mission?
I think I screwed up too.
You suck, we've got work.
Get here quickly.
Coming!
Squatters at the castle?
Yes, travelling folk.
Really?
The owners say
they won't be gone in time.
What will you do?
Apart from a campsite, I don't know.
Everything's booked up.
It'll be cheaper.
I'm not in the mood for jokes.
It wasn't a joke.
I'm so upset.
I'll call you back.
If we can't get married in a castle,
the castle comes to us.
Thank you. We'll honeymoon next door?
You don't like it? Really?
I even hurt my ankle.
I'm ready to work from home.
As long as I marry you, I'm happy.
It'll be my second-best day ever.
After our first time?
Make that the second...
The first was over so fast.
I kept thinking of my ex.
Seriously?
- No way.
- I'm so clumsy.
My glass is empty.
That was so cold.
Thanks.
Now both sides match.
You're messing with me?
Watch out!
Or what?
You know who the boss is here.
- No.
- Oh yes.
- Not my boat.
- Put it down.
There, that's good. You see?
You're in for it!
Looky!
You sunk my ship?
It's the Titanic.
I said you were no match for me.
- You win.
- By the way...
You'll pay for my extensions
for the wedding,
of course.
So...
who's the boss?
Come to bed. We've got work tomorrow.
At home, the forests sway
And the rooftops scrape the sky
The mountain streams are wild
And the snows are eternal
At home, the wolves are at our doors
And the kids understand them
We hear the cries of New York
And the boats on the Seine
I'll go wherever you want me to
I love your desires and your light
All landscapes look like you
When you light them up
I'll go where you go
My country will be you
I'll go where you go
Whatever the place
Wherever the place
Did I ever say I love you?
That's a shame.
Not too tight?
To the airport.
- Hi!
- What are you doing?
How did you find me?
The invite!
You must be sad about the breakup.
We won't add to it by fighting.
So we've called a truce.
That's great.
I forgive you.
We'll talk later, I'm super busy.
We know about breakups. It's hard.
You can cry in front of us.
We're your parents, son.
We're here.
It's better with Flo.
All good, madly in love. Really!
That's wonderful news.
Everything's fixed?
Looky, where's my bra?
Is that her?
Introduce us.
No. That's my neighbour. Not Flo.
I live in the house next door.
Like an idiot, I noted it wrong.
Actually, let's go inside.
Let's go.
Come in,
please.
I locked the keys inside.
We can't go in. Bummer...
Don't worry.
I do it all the time.
Great!
Locks are like riding a bike,
you never forget.
There.
Welcome to my home.
It's big!
I'm dying to meet
our future daughter-in-law.
She's out shopping.
She'll be a while.
We've got time, we'll wait.
Augustin, it's me.
I'm in trouble. My parents are here.
I took them to the neighbour's house.
Isn't he in?
He's on vacation.
They're waiting for Flo
to return from shopping.
Play for time. We're on it.
Thanks!
You've reached Greg.
Leave a message.
Why are you wet?
Cheeta Kardashian played
with the plumbing.
What happened to your hair?
I'll explain. I have to fix it.
Come in.
Wouldn't you rather sit with us?
I've something in the oven.
I'll stay here, just in case.
We're here.
Your fake fiance has arrived.
I'll be right back.
Hi.
Miguel?
No, I'm Greg. Got that?
Not Miguel, Greg.
Yes, sorry, Greg.
Be careful.
They've done a good job.
Are you okay?
A bit stressed.
Don't worry, Shana. Just repeat
what I say in your earpiece. Okay?
Let's go.
Dad, Mum, meet Flo.
She's just arrived.
She's been shopping.
We were waiting!
Pleased to meet you,
Daniel and Appoline.
Pleased to meet you,
Daniel and Appoline.
Of course.
You're beautiful.
Lovely!
I love this photo.
I love this photo.
How are you, Flo?
Good! Why are you here?
Have you seen Greg?
We kidnapped him.
For his stag party.
He's at the airport.
In the rush, we forgot his passport.
Heading where?
Marrakesh!
Marrakesh? Okay.
Let's go?
- You could've said.
- It was last minute.
I brought you a gift.
Thanks, that's kind.
Thanks, that's kind.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
It's a candle.
A scented candle.
Jasmine. Don't you like Jasmine?
I love Jasmine. It was a joke.
I love Jasmine. It was a joke.
Great!
Let's light it.
You'll see how nice it smells.
I'm so glad
you've both made up.
Did you make your cake to apologise?
Dad, I was eight...
Whenever Greg got into trouble,
he used to make us a cake...
Shit!
That's my car.
It's clamped now.
Unclamp it! I need it.
...with candies spelling out
sorry, spelled SORREY.
I need my quota to pay
for my holidays.
Screw your holidays!
Fuck off.
It was so sweet.
Fuck off.
She...
makes a lot of jokes.
We were worried!
Never a dull moment!
Get out, I'm off to the pound.
You're going nowhere!
A small hitch, I'll be back.
A small hitch,
I'll be back.
You're staying after all?
I'll take your kids on holiday!
It'll be fine this afternoon...
It'll be fine this afternoon,
across the Paris region.
Weather will be mixed
from the northwest to the south.
In Brittany and the Loire,
skies will be overcast,
with low clouds dispersing to reveal
patches of sunshine.
Good to know.
Medi! We're not done!
And Happy Feast Day to all Raouls!
Of course.
I don't know any Raouls,
but congrats!
Happy Feast Day, Raoul.
So,
in the end,
what's happening with the wedding?
It's postponed.
After our fight,
I cancelled the castle.
It got booked up.
Now there's nothing available
until next year.
What a shame.
There must be a way.
Perhaps a nice hotel,
a guest house...
Stand back! Water!
That's alcohol!
Don't add kirsch. Greg!
Looky, the photo! Don't go in!
He's not home?
Greg? No, he's at his stag party
in Marrakesh.
Greg's parents are lovely.
His father is so handsome.
Such charisma!
He reminds me of my first love.
It wasn't Dad?
Men like flattery,
so I always said he deflowered me.
No way!
It was the '70s, darling,
we threw caution to the wind.
It was yoohoo!
Weren't you in the shower?
I had to get a towel.
- Something wrong?
- I'm fine.
Like I just bought a new car,
but it had mileage on it.
Is the house next door on fire?
Shit!
Is anyone in?
Yes? What is it?
Can I help you?
There's smoke coming out
of your house.
- The owner's out?
- I'm his mother.
Don't worry about the smoke.
It's just a curtain that caught fire
from a candle.
We were all a bit distracted,
because my son's wedding
is postponed.
That just happened to me!
Really?
What a coincidence.
We decided to marry in the garden.
In the garden...
That's a great idea!
Swooning over your son-in-law's Dad...
And lying to me.
I might want a paternity test for Flo.
It was 30 years ago!
How can you talk of lying
when you cheated on me,
said Appoline's videos
weren't yours
and those were diabetes pills?
Typical. Now you change the subject.
Stop acting innocent.
Men are all the same.
So no need to test out others.
Anyone there?
Hands up!
Another man sees you naked.
Are you okay, Grard?
I'm fine.
Shit!
Still okay?
I'm fine.
Marlne!
Help! Do something.
Please Marlne, stop.
Call for help!
It's a lovely garden.
Unless it rains...
Mum?
Why's she here?
Hello. Have we met?
There's a burglar!
What?
Call the police!
In this unassuming house,
a couple was attacked yesterday.
A horrifying experience,
recounts one of the victims,
who wished to remain anonymous.
My wife and I were relaxing
in the bathroom,
when we heard a sudden noise.
I was a bit scared, it seemed odd.
And then suddenly this jackass
appears with a knife...
A sword, in fact.
Now for the football.
Since ruining Paris's team,
Augustin has become a star in Marseille.
What's this?
Why are you all here?
Surprise!
You like it?
If you can't get married in a castle,
the castle will come to you.
The wedding is on!
Of course!
It's your neighbour!
Happened to her too.
She's lovely.
Unlike her mother...
Who's a real bitch.
You see,
everyone's here, even Granny.
Congratulations, my little Greg.
Thanks, Gran.
I always thought he was gay
as a picnic basket.
Her hearing aid settings
are broken...
What's wrong?
You look sad, you're not pleased?
I think it's great. But it's Flo...
She really wanted a castle.
She's delighted!
She's setting up the cocktail bar.
Hi, darling!
There's activities for the kids.
We have to watch Marius...
No, Marius! What are you doing?
Don't destroy the cactus!
This is impossible, we can't.
We need to change the date!
We can't do it on the fly.
Don't panic.
It's all fixed.
We can't change the date.
After my trial,
I'm not sure I'll be let out.
I'm not missing my son's wedding!
Of course not.
It's a nightmare!
This means two weddings...
The same day.
Next door.
It's impossible. It's way too risky.
If we had time, it'd be doable.
What do you think?
A photo of the Maldives?
For our honeymoon.
But it's a fake wedding!
We could have a fake honeymoon.
And fake kids.
Have you ever tried a moustache?
They're off to Flo's hen party!
Brilliant.
We've got time to plan.
Our luck has finally turned.
We need suncream for Marrakesh!
Marrakesh?
Where are we going?
How will Flo believe
I'm in Marrakesh too?
I might have a solution.
That's good. Great.
That's really good.
- Mr Hafid?
- Yes?
Will this work?
All the Moroccan clubs will want him.
But, Mr Hafid,
let's be honest, he's fat.
You can't say "fat" anymore.
What then?
Fat people no longer exist.
They do, but they're not fat.
You say "curvy."
Look at me, blink.
Tighten the belt, give it your all.
Work it, baby.
I'm so happy to work for you.
It's a childhood dream.
Abibi.com, how can I help?
It's Medi from Alibi.com.
Medi, my man, what a pleasure.
By the way,
thanks for the Moroccan license.
We're a hit.
Everybody lies here.
We need your help.
Hang on.
I'll get my Macbook.
I'm listening, Medi.
Greg's meant to be in Morocco.
Keep his fiance away.
That's beginners's stuff. Easy.
I'll take care of it,
she'll suspect nothing.
Shall we meet tomorrow?
I'll stop by to see you
at Club Marmara.
It's our song!
We interrupt the programme
for a news flash.
We interrupt...
the programme for a news flash.
Yesterday, in south Marrakesh,
a professional gang
of drunk women
broke into a mosque during prayers.
One was disguised as a princess.
Then they stole all the shoes,
during prayers.
Sacrilege, shock,
disbelief...
Girls, come see.
Girls!
Here's the proof on video.
Give us back our shoes.
We were that drunk?
Now authorities are concerned
about the disappearance
of the Ra singer
Cheb Aziz, AKA the reptile.
He was last seen at the nightclub,
the Marmara.
What is it?
- A knife?
- I can't go to jail.
My son needs me. His Dad's a jerk.
Is this a joke?
Hold on,
I can explain.
I'm just an intern.
I don't want to die.
- Why do that?
- I dunno.
It was a reflex.
Great.
Now what?
Hide him in here.
Not in a suitcase!
"Not in a Suitcase",
the new novel by Sam Sonitte,
published by Rolling Bags,
explores the world of illicit luggage.
I'm in a taxi.
It's Greg.
There in 15.
He's on his way.
No way. He knows my husband.
He can't come.
Great. So what do I say?
It won't work.
I know her, she doesn't lie.
It's her.
Why's she video calling?
You're meant to be in a taxi.
Let's go.
Honey, sorry to call so late,
I've only just got some signal.
We went biking and got stuck
in a sandstorm.
I'm so sorry.
What a shame.
I fly out this afternoon.
See you at home.
Yeah, okay.
I'm just five minutes from the hotel.
I can see it.
I'll call you later.
- Bad signal.
- Sure.
- Love you!
- Love you too. Take care.
Stop! He's hung up.
I can't believe she lied to me.
- Don't forget that.
- Thanks.
What happens in Marrakesh,
stays there.
Of course!
Love you, bye.
I'll just pee, then send it.
The wedding's tomorrow! Pee later.
Okay, fine. I'll send it now.
Is anyone there?
I warn you, I'm armed.
What's that?
What the fuck?
It's the big day.
Stressed?
A bit, of course.
I'll let you get ready.
See you at the wedding.
Thank you.
I haven't said "Yes" yet.
For changing.
Becoming a man I can trust.
Did I say I love you?
I love you.
Remember the plan?
We greet them, go to the altar,
and when I ask, you say?
"No". My ex is back and I realised
I'm still in love with him.
Perfect!
I act sad, they leave,
and I go to my real wedding.
Hurry, they're here.
- No news of Augustin?
- It's weird.
Hey!
He's so handsome.
Alright, Mum?
Dad?
We're proud of our son.
Calm down, kids.
Move it!
Marius is such a thug.
I'll hit you if you climb up.
What's that drone?
Jean-Pierre, my director friend.
He took amazing shots for
"Big Dicks in Wonderland".
He's very good.
Jean-Pierre!
Hey, uncles!
You brought beer?
Don't worry, it's for the match.
Go, Paris!
Still no news of Augustin.
Too bad, we can't wait.
And these wonderful reasons
are why I am so happy
to celebrate the wedding of Greg
and Flo, who made him happy
from day one.
Come on!
Now, the moment
we've been waiting for.
Grgory Robert Van Huffel,
do you take Florence Paulette Martin
as your wife?
I do.
Florence Paulette Martin,
do you take
Grgory Robert Van Huffel
as your husband?
Florence?
Yes.
Sorry?
Are you sure?
Yes!
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
For better or for worse.
Congratulations! How lovely.
Long live the happy couple!
I know it'll be a wonderful wedding.
You've found a wonderful husband.
Who loves and respects you.
Who's become an upright
and honest person.
Enjoy your day.
It will be memorable.
Flo's ring!
Don't worry. Now, the real wedding.
I don't have a ring!
- Where's Augustin?
- I dunno.
Hey, guys!
Thanks for coming.
My rickshaw!
Marco, look.
The gorgio who screwed your wife!
I'm gonna rip his head off.
I'll smash his face in!
First who cries loses?
With this make-up,
it'd better not be me,
or you're toast.
We did well with our daughter.
I hope she takes after her father
in terms of resilience.
And her mother,
for finding a wonderful husband.
You're not the first,
but you'll be the last.
Welcome!
I am very proud
to marry Florence and Grgory today.
For those who don't know me,
I'm a family friend.
People call me Maurice,
but, girls, you can call me tonight.
What joy
to marry you, Florence.
In fact,
you remind me of your Mum.
Her long legs,
slender and firm,
her corset that showed off
her breasts.
Jean-Pierre, delighted.
What the hell?
- Really!
- That's chick's bipolar.
Grabs my ass, then attacks.
You've gotta choose.
Who's the strongest? Me!
To be honest,
I'm glad Greg's getting married.
Less competition for single people
like me.
By the way,
any singles out there?
As I was saying...
I hope you'll embody
happiness and faithfulness,
like your mother
and
that's enough.
In short, Grgory
Robert Van Huffel,
do you take,
as your wife, Florence
Paulette Martin, here present?
I do.
Florence Paulette Martin,
do you take as your husband
Grgory Robert Van Huffel,
here present?
I do.
The rings.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Don't worry, his fall was broken.
He's fine.
Go on, I'll take him home.
Come on, kid.
Don't worry.
All good, I'm fine.
Marius is fine, don't worry.
That was quite a stunt.
Nothing broken.
Back to the party!
I want to be like Greg.
- What do you mean?
- Polygamous.
Greg's not polygamous.
He was giving champagne
to the neighbours.
Sure. Pay me a trip to Vegas.
If you pay, I'll keep quiet.
Scout's honour.
Shit.
This is it! Paris versus Marseille.
We're in bad shape, guys.
Accept it.
- Where were you?
- Never mind.
Thierry's gonna sabotage the wedding.
- For revenge.
- What?
I caught him on the CCTV cameras.
It's Thierry!
I hacked his computer and found
we helped his wife cheat.
He's going to make a speech
and tell all.
Now it's time for revenge.
We must warn Greg.
What's that?
Marseille reveals its hero,
who wounded Paris's new star.
Look, it's him.
Hey, you.
Come here.
We want a word.
Who are you?
This is my house, I have keys.
What's going on?
He went that way.
Did you see him?
That gorgio is dead meat.
Celle-Saint-Cloud police station.
I'm calling because
I have a serious problem.
We have squatters
in Celle-Saint-Cloud.
- Can you go?
- Got it.
Have you seen
a gorgio with a toilet seat on his ass?
Hide in the bear.
Can I try your suit?
Come on, kids!
Medi, it's on backwards.
Let's go, kids!
- That's sick.
- Stop him.
He's sick!
What's wrong with you?
Pervert!
Come on, kids, let's go.
One, two.
Can you hear me?
If you don't mind,
I'd like to start the speeches.
Sorry, but I hadn't finished.
Sorry, Dominique.
I'm nearly done.
I remember you, as a baby,
at the clinic.
I can't believe this tiny being,
I held in my arms,
is going so far from me today.
My turn to speak.
But it's more a surprise,
than a speech.
Please give a round of applause
for the great Patrick Fiori!
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
Shit.
Fuck!
He's there.
Hey, you.
Take that!
What the hell?
I'll show you.
What the hell?
Shana?
Did you see that fat bastard?
That's my father, bitch.
Don't insult my daughter-in-law.
You threaten my daughter?
What's your problem?
Fuck you, blondie.
Oh no.
Let me go!
Bastard.
That's enough.
The dove!
Don't look.
- Don't look, darling.
- Thank you.
I'm okay.
Come on, cry, you're sad.
Thanks, but...
I said I'm okay!
You're here.
Now you arrive?
Greg, we're in deep shit.
I noticed. Thanks.
Thierry's an Alibi victim.
He's out for revenge.
What?
He planned to reveal all in a video.
About your fake Dad,
fake Mum...
How you hid your real parents,
and hired a wacko for a fake wedding
with them.
But don't worry, I fixed it.
What's up?
Why is it silent?
I don't know.
What's all this, darling?
Darling?
You're with that fake-breasted cougar?
They're not fake.
She's not my mistress.
She's my mother.
Appoline is your mother?
Delighted, I'm father of the bride.
This is my father.
Not quite the same.
Hang on.
You organised all of this because
you're ashamed?
I realise it's not easy to accept
a petty crook like me.
But you know,
there's one thing I never lied about.
The love I have for my son.
For our son.
Well,
we'll leave you
to enjoy yourselves.
Well done, you win.
I'm crying.
For what it cost...
The divorce is ready.
You just need to sign.
Don't wait for the storm to pass,
learn to dance in the rain.
Find that online?
Yes.
You know what hurts most?
Not that you lied.
You didn't think I could understand.
I'm sorry.
Our parents would never have got on.
Parents will do a lot
for their children.
After all that, it's a waste.
It's my fault too.
I shouldn't have tried to change you.
Guys usually lie so they can cheat.
You lied so as not to lose me.
I'm glad you get it.
We're adults.
Let's stay friends?
Yes.
Great.
I have to go, I'm late.
Bye.
Patrick Fiori takes a career break
SORREY
Hello.
Hi.
Hugo.
Come in.
They're for your Mum.
... a concrete sidewalk!
- Hello.
- Thanks.
Have a nice day.
Darling.
Mum?
Why are you here?
Well...
I know the groom.
Really?
Come.
Your father wanted to be here too.
Hey, son!
What's up?
I love weddings.
Are you married?
Alibi revenge?
Congratulations.
You're ready to be hired.
We all have our flaws.
You're a liar, I hold a grudge.
My Mum once said you forgive
as much as you love.
Apparently, I love you.
And me, you.
Even if we had a bad start,
I'm sure the best is to come.
Thank you, that means a lot.
I'm sure we'll become good friends.
We're family now.
We'll always be behind you.
Well, behind...
I mean, together.
Wait, is this our wedding?
Lucky you're hot.
Medi, abort!
Do you hear me?
Medi, we have a problem.
Can you hear me?
What's up?
What's going on?
I'm not just a liar...
I'm also jealous.
Revenge!
Very, very jealous.
You'll pay for this.
You know you're gonna pay?
My dress!