Alice in Wonderland (1999) Movie Script

Cherry ripe, Cherry ripe,
ripe I cry fools and fair ones come and buy!
Cherry ripe, Cherry ripe, ripe I cry...
Alice...
what's the matter, child?
You look as pale as a ghost.
I can't do it, Nanny!
They don't expect you to sing until after tea...
you've got another half an hour to practice.
And relax... drink a strong cup of herbal tea...
it's what I used to do when
I was on the boards...
I can't do it. I can't sing.
It's just stage fright...
there's nothing to be afraid of...
I shall be with you...
it's all in the mind, child.
You can't make me sing!
I won't! I won't!
Now, we'll have none of that, young lady.
Everyone's here. Have you seen my...
Mummy, please don't make me sing!
She's a little nervous, Ma'am.
Perfectly natural... I've seen it often.
Alice, you promised me and your father.
All the guests are so looking forward to it.
It's expected.
Of course, dear, if you really don't want
to your father and I will understand
though we'll be very disappointed.
I don't want to disappoint you and daddy.
Don't worry darling...
I'm sure you'll make us all very proud.
And remember Alice, whatever happens...
flood or earthquake... the show must go on.
"Cherry ripe, cherry ripe,
ripe I cry... fools and fair
ones come and buy...
Oh what am I going to do, Dinah?
Of all the songs I have to sing "Cherry Ripe"!
How can they expect me to sing
in front of all these strangers.
I'll go back later when it's all over!
Oh dear, oh!
Oh me! Oh, oh,
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
I'll be so late! Oooh, Oh me.
Oh dear.
I wonder what Latitude
or Longitude I've got to?
I've no idea what Latitude and
Longitude are, but they're grand words
Longitude and Latitude
Oh my furry ears and whiskers,
look how late it's getting!
Perhaps I fell right through the earth,
and come out the other side...
I shall have to ask somebody
the name of the country...
"Please Ma'am, is this New
Zealand or Australia?"
That's strange...
Now that I'm in, how do I get out?
If only I was smaller...
That wasn't there before,
I wonder if it's alright to drink.
If you drink too much from
a bottle marked poison
it's almost certain to disagree
with you sooner or later.
This bottle's not marked "Poison".
Hmm...
Oh no.
Now what am I supposed to do?
Curiouser and curiouser.
If it makes me grow taller
then I can reach the key...
and if it makes me grow smaller
I can creep under the door...
either way I'll get into the garden!
I'm stuck,
I'm stuck. What am I suppose to do?
Oh! The Duchess'll be absolutely
savage if I keep her waiting.
Please sir, can you help me?!
Are you crying?
Yes.
Well, fortunately I speak "crying"
and "sobbing" fluently...
but I can't stay...
- I'm late!
- No.
Yesterday everything was so normal...
Now look at me. I'm huge, and I'm stuck!
I wonder what's making me grow smaller?
It must be this fan.
Mr Mouse!
Mr Mouse...
Mr Mouse.
How did you know my name, young lady.
You did look like a mouse...
I'm late. Come with me,
I've a very important lecture to
deliver and everyone will be there!
My lectures, my lectures have to be
seen and heard to be depreciated...
of course they divide people...
Last time the whole audience hissed.
Hissed! All except one man.
He was applauding the hissing.
What am I going to talk about?
What am I going to do?
Whatever it is I'll talk about,
you can be sure it isn't new
Not new.
Not new.
I am an English lecturer
The most famous of my time.
Because I stick with the same old words
And never change a line.
Not a line,
not, not a line...
Not a line...
My mother couldn't carry a
tune not even if it had handles.
Silly old trout.
A most depressing venue...
The distemper's coming off at the knees...
Still the audience look lively enough.
That's the main thing...
I mean they're not dead. Not yet...
What's your name, if it isn't a rude question?
Alice.
Oh well,
that's not your fault...
Err... you're wet!
Sit down...
I'll soon make her dry enough.
My lecture is the driest
thing I've ever heard of.
Settle down everybody
whilst I clear my throat.
Get on with it!
Walnuts!
Oh well,
now then...
"William the Conqueror,
whose cause was favored by the Pope,
Ooooh...
Did you speak?
I don't think so.
"Edwin and Morcar, the Earls
of Mercia and Northumbria,
declared for him...
and even Stigand, the patriotic
Archbishop of Canterbury
found it advisable to go with
Edgar Altheling to meet William
and offer him the crown.
How are you getting on now, my dear?
I'm as wet as ever, it doesn't
seem to dry me at all.
Are you sure?
I don't like the sound of it.
None of use do...
in which case I move that
the meeting adjourn...
And we immediately, if not sooner,
adopt more energetic remedies to
facilitate a cure for wetness, per se...
Speak English!
What I was going to say was, ipso facto...
the best thing to get her dry would be...
a caucus-race!
What's a caucus-race?!
A caucus-race! A caucus-race!
What's a caucus-race?
I'll pack a few things!
Now you're talking.
Yes I'm talking, now what's a caucus-race?!
The best way to explain a
caucus-race is - to do it.
On your marks,
get set...
go!
It's a blistering race!
An extraordinary display of skill,
determination and sheer stupidity!
They're all cheating!
That's caucus-race!
So perish all enemies of the Tsar!
And there's more where that came from!
So you think I'm a cheat do you?!
No just deformed.
No man calls me deformed
unless he's certified!
Look! Look... the finishing post!
Who's won?!
Who's won?!
I vouchsafe that everybody won...
and that we must all have prizes.
Who's going to give the prizes?!
Why, Alice of course!
Um...
Ha!
I think it's time we were all in
bed with a cup of hot chocolate.
Indubitably!
Wait.
Where are you all going.
Wait!
Oh the Duchess!
Oh the Duchess!
Oh, my sweet paws. Oh my fur and whiskers!
She'll get me executed as
sure as ferrets are ferrets.
Oh what've you lost, sir?
A pair of white kid gloves and a fan.
Oh... I'll help you find them.
Hm hm, what are you doing here?!
I'm trying to get into the beautiful garden.
Run home and fetch me another
pair of gloves and a fan!
Quick!
He's treating me as if I'm his housemaid!
Frederick Rabbit's house!
He lives very well for a rabbit.
Some of these things must be priceless...
or even more expensive.
It doesn't say "Drink Me" like the other bottle.
I'm sure it'll make something
interesting happen.
I just hope it makes me grow large again.
Err - that's enough!
Oh dear - what am I going to do?!
Oh, dear!
Hm...
It's stuck.
I'll try the back window.
Wah!
Uh - oh...
Pat! Pat!
I'm here, your honour, I'm here.
I was er, out the front digging for apples...
Ah, for sure, it's a dewy dawn when the
larks on the wing and the snail's on the horn.
What? Oh not now, Pat...
just help me out of this.
Alright, come on, up come on.
Lets have you.
Oh, oh no. That won't do the
vegetables any good, your honour.
Why're we growing cucumbers, Pat?
Because they're green, your worship.
I thought so... Now tell me,
Pat, what's that in the window?
Let's have a look. Hang on a sec.
That's an arm your worship!
An arm! Whoever saw an arm that size?
No-one, but sure, it's still an arm.
Well it's no business there... remove it!
Me, your worship?
Yes, you. Are you a coward?
Oh no, not at all...
I might have coward's legs but
the rest of me's brave as a lion.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Well then you do it!
I'm too rich, I can't afford to die.
Will somebody please help me?
I'm stuck!
I'm stuck!
Why won't anyone help
me? I can't do it by myself!
Why do you keep failing
like that. Your honour?
I like it!
- Oh help me up.
- Oh, right so.
Here take me right hand, there we go...
No that... That's me right hand!
Oooo, ooo. Bill!
Hello!
You're needed, lad!
What's the matter, sirs?
The Master's got a terrible case of the 'falls'!
Get a ladder!
Oh! Right.
Now be careful with the ladder, lad
You might... hit... Oh!
Oh...
Sorry sir!
Oh. Put the ladder up against the house.
Oh, yes, yes that's good.
Now climb up.
What for?
You've got to get on the roof, slide down
the chimney and see who's in the house.
Why?
Because I can't get through
the door or windows.
Ah now sir, that's a mighty clever idea.
But you see, I've got a
bad back for chimneys.
I inherited it from my mother.
We've always had terrible
backs for chimneys!
Oh you do it, Bill!
Who me?
Yes you!
Oh... alright then.
Quick. Hurry!
Now careful, Bill, there's a loose
slate up there somewhere.
Ah, good man, you've found it!
Pat, tell him to climb down the chimney.
Bill.
Ow.
...climb down the chimney!
He shouldn't do that?!
Not down the chimney... don't try it!
Ya-hoo!
There goes Bill.
Oh. Oh dear.
Bill! Bill! What happened, lad?
Hold up his head... here's brandy
Ah thank you, your worship
Not you!
Ah sorry, purely medicinal, runs in the family.
What happened, Bill?
Well something comes at me,
like a Jack-in-the-box, and then
up I goes like a sky-rocket.
Spoken like a true Irishman, Bill.
I don't like the look of this.
There's nothing for it!
We must burn down the house!
Good thinking, your worship.
Would you like me to sing
some melodies of Old Ireland?
No, just burn down the house!
Oh, no you don't!
You're not burning down
this house while I'm inside!
Ha ha. A barrow full should do!
Ready, aim...
Fire!
Ah, stop it. You'd better not do that again!
Hmm.
They're not real pebbles
They're soft like sponge cakes...
Now I must go and find that lovely garden.
No one will think of looking for me there.
Everything seems different from down here.
I have to keep looking up.
I'm sure little people must
get very bad neck strain.
It's enough to make a cat bark.
I used to read fairy tales,
I never thought I would end
up in the middle of one.
There ought to be a book written about me.
Maybe when I grow up I'll write one.
Sir.
Sir, who do I have the honour of addressing?
Major Caterpillar, ribbon and bar...
Late of "Her Majesty's Foot and Light"...
A true son of England and it's flag what...
Who're you?
I don't really know.
If you don't, I don't!
I know who I was this morning
but I think I've been changed
several times since then.
Explain yourself or you'll
find yourself on a charge.
Well, I can't explain myself, sir,
because I'm not myself, you see.
No, I don't see.
Everyone should be the
right size, shouldn't they.
But I've been so many different
sizes in one day it's very confusing.
Why?
Well, if you were to change...
into a butterfly say you'd find
it quite strange, wouldn't you?
Not a bit of it! Nothing's strange to me!
I don't think you should talk to me like that.
Like what?
In short sentences.
Oh, ah a ooo-
All I know is that it's very disturbing,
sometimes I start crying.
Why?
Because I don't remember
things like I used to
and I can't keep the same
size for ten minutes together.
That's a rum do.
I'd keep an eye on it if I were you...
Can't remember what things exactly?
Songs and poems.
Gad, it's worse than having a beri-beri.
Umm, recite "You Are Old, Father William".
Stand up, girl... you can't sing
or recite without standing up.
Well that's just it... I don't want to!
No, no elbows all wrong.
Tuck'em in! Tuck'em in!
Good! Try and keep in tune!
"You are old, Father
William", the Young Man said
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head.
Do you think, at your
age, this is right?" Hmm?
I don't know if you were trying for the
"Paganini Variations" for voice and trumpet,
but you missed five verses.
Some of the words did get a little altered.
Young lady, it was wrong
from beginning to end.
And you can't get wronger than that!
I'm afraid that's what always
happens when I have to perform!
You mustn't be afraid, that's
worse than not remembering.
Oh... dear!
What size do you want to be?!
Speak up! Speak up!
I don't care about the size,
just so long as I'm not changing
all the time, you know.
No, I don't know.
There you go again with short sentences!
There you go, losing your temper.
It's against Queens Regulations!
Do you like your size right now?
I'd like to be little taller...
this is a terrible height to be.
Terrible?! Gad, woah!
One side will make you taller and
the other side will make you shorter.
One side of what?
The mushroom...
that's what it's there for...
everything has a purpose even here.
Thank you, Major.
Ha ha ha ha ha...
One side makes me taller.
The other side will make me shorter.
I wonder which one is which.
Mmmm...
I think I'll keep these, they
may come in handy later.
That looks respectable,
I wonder if they'll be able
to give me directions...
For the Duchess, an invitation
from the Queen to play croquet.
From the Queen, an invitation
for the Duchess to play croquet.
An invitation to play croquet,
from the Queen, for the Duchess.
I've got the gist.
Are you sure?
Yes, it's an invitation from the Queen
for the Duchess to play croquet.
Hm, I wouldn't put it quite like
that, but it'll have to do I suppose.
It's no good you knocking like that.
Why not?
Two good reasons.
One, because I'm on the same
side of the door as you...
Oh yes.
Two, they're making so much
noise inside, no-one can hear you.
But how am I going to get inside?
That is the question.
The problem. You might even
say, the conundrum or riddle.
Yes, I might.
There'd be some sense in you
knocking if we had a door between us.
I could go and get a spare door
but that would take too long.
On the other hand, if you
were inside the house,
you could knock, and I could let you out...
Knock, knock...
This way out, Madame.
But I don't want to go out, I want to go in!
Of course, but if you did want
to go out it'd be much easier.
Meanwhile, I'm going to
sit here until tomorrow.
Or the next day perhaps,
or even for a whole week,
then I can come back by popular demand.
But how am I supposed to get inside?
I need to ask them a question.
Will you ever get in, is the
question you should be asking?
I'm going to sit here for days
thinking about it and singing
"Coming Through the Rye".
Dee da dada dar dee dar
da dar dee dar dee dar dum
It's no use talking to you!
I'll just have to do it myself.
That's the spirit!
Pepper!
I want pepper!
Pepper! More pepper...
More pepper!
More pepper!
Please could you tell me why your
cat is grinning at me like that?
He's a Cheshire-Cat.
Cheshire-Cat's always grin.
Isn't that so, Piggy?
I didn't know Cheshire-Cats always grinned.
In fact I didn't know cats could grin.
Uh ho, well you don't know
very much then do you.
Isn't that so Piggy!
Are you really a Duchess?
Every inch!
Pepper! Pepper! Pepper!
Be careful! You almost
hit his poor little nose!
Nonsense!
He can already play "Three
Blind Mice" on his nose-flute!
What do you want little Miss?!
I want to know how to get into the garden?
Oh - now you're talking,
but I prefer singing to talking, don't you?
Let's have a song.
"Speak roughly to the little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes.
He only does it to annoy.
Because he knows it teases."
"I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes.
For he can thoroughly enjoy
the pepper when he pleases"
Here you nurse for a bit...
I've got an appointment... can't wait.
Pepper! More pepper!
I best get you out of here.
They're sure to kill you!
More pepper! Pepper!
I thought you wanted to go in?
I've been in... now I'm coming out.
Life is so complicated!
You mustn't grunt like that. You
sounds as if you've turned into a pig.
You have turned into a pig!
I'd best let you go.
Go on.
When he gets older he'll
make a very ugly child...
or a very handsome pig...
Now which way?
Ah!
Cheshire-Puss, can you
tell me which way to go?
Well that depends on
where you want to get to.
The garden!
Why do you want to go there?
It looks safe.
Sometimes things that
look safe turn out nasty...
and things that look nasty turn out safe.
That's immoral.
What sort of people live around here?
Well a Hatter lives over there.
Follow my pointed paw.
And a gentleman called Hare
nicknamed March lives there.
They're probably having a tea party.
They're both mad.
They're both mad.
But I don't want to meet mad people.
But I don't want to meet mad people.
Oh, but you can't help it,
everyone here is mad.
I'm mad, you're mad.
It's only by chance and
careful planning if you're not.
How do you know I'm mad?
Because you're here!
And everyone here is mad.
I went to a Hunt Ball once, I didn't like it...
Terrible people. They all started hunting me!
Hm... Life must be hard for you?
But I grin a bear it...
By-the-by, what became of the baby?
It turned into a pig.
I knew it would, it's the same
with crows and moor-hens.
Did you say "pig" or "fig"?
I said "pig".
And I wish you wouldn't keep appearing
and disappearing so suddenly.
You're making me very dizzy!
So sorry... is this better?
Which way shall you go?
Which path shall you take?
If you don't take any you will make a mistake.
Which way shall you go?
Which path shall you take?
You have to move on though
you tremble and quake...
Hmm the Cheshire Cat was
right. They are having tea.
I wonder if they'd mind if I joined them?
Have you any more food down there, Dormy?
Any spoilt sandwiches or strawberries?
I love strawberries, don't you? Aha ha ha ha.
I'm sure he's hoarding them!
Oh haw haw haw...
I'm lost... could I... get
No room.
There's no room.
There's plenty of room.
Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?
I overslept.
Why're you here?
Well, I've been looking for
the pretty garden all day...
and now I'm tired, and hungry.
Oh, that's different.
We've been eating for hours.
And we've not finished yet.
Waiter, waiter, there's a hair in my soup!
Is it blonde? We're missing a waitress.
Have some wine!
I don't see any wine.
There isn't any and you're too young.
Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.
It wasn't very nice of you to
sit down without an invitation.
This is a private soiree.
Well I suppose I should've just barged in.
I know I wasn't invited but the table
was laid out for a lot of people.
My response to that is both
profound a meaningful.
Get your hair cut!
You shouldn't make personal
remarks, it's very rude.
I didn't know that. Personal
remarks are rude?
Hm hmm.
E'gad, you learn something new everyday.
Make a note of that, Marchy,
it might come in useful.
Now I have one for you...
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Why is a raven...?
I'm not talking to you...
Why not, aren't I good enough?
You've heard it before.
But you were looking at me when
you said "Why is a raven...?"
I'm asking Alice!
Um, why is raven like a writing desk.
You know - I'm pretty sure I can guess.
You mean you think you know the answer?
Yes.
Then you should say what you mean.
Well I do... at... at least...
At least I mean what I say...
That... that is the same thing.
It's not the same thing at all.
You might as well say "I see what I eat"
is the same thing as "I eat what I see"
You might as well say "I like
what I get" as "I get what I like."
Ahhh! Oh!
You or you might as well say
"I breathe when I asleep" is the same
thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
Well it is the same with you!
No no, oh I need some sleep.
Clean cups!
Time marches on it's stomach! Ah ha ha ha.
It's an army that marches on its stomach.
Odd sort of army, marching on it's stomach.
I don't like the idea. Yuck!
What day of month is it?
The fourth.
Ah-ah! Two days wrong!
I told you not to use butter.
- It was the best butter.
- Danish.
Some crumbs must've got into it as well...
I said, "don't put butter in the
works with a bread knife".
I couldn't put it in with a fork could I?
Here, let me see.
I don't want to give it to you - but I will.
Ohh!
Ahhgh!
I don't understand it... it was the best butter.
Danish.
That's a funny watch.
It tells the day of the month but not the time.
Why should it... does your
watch tell you what year it is?
No. Because it stays a year for so long.
Oh well then I rest my case.
Where?
There!
I know when I'm beaten.
Oh look. Mr Dormouse is asleep again.
It tells you a lot about your conversation...
Sparkle, Miss, sparkle!
Of course, of course,
I was just going to say that myself... I'm...
I'm asleep... again...
Have you guessed the
riddle about the raven yet?
Um hmm no, I give up... what's the answer?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Nor me.
I think you should all do
something better with the time
than wasting it on asking stupid riddles.
If you knew Time the way I do, you
wouldn't talk about wasting "it".
Time is a "him".
"It" isn't polite.
I don't know what you mean.
Of course you don't!
Because you've never
spoken to Time have you?
Well I have.
We used to be very good friends...
We served the Empire, in many a distant
post before they all got woodworm.
But we quarreled last March...
just before he went mad.
Flatterer!
It was at the great concert
given by the Queen of Hearts!
Quick, stop him, he's going to sing... too late!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
How terribly sweet of you.
And now for a little encore I'd like to a
song entitled "Auntie's Wooden Leg".
Maestro, if you please...
"Oh Auntie's wooden
leg, Auntie's wooden leg.
We'll paint it red and call
it Fred or Ned or Ted.
Oh, Auntie's wooden leg.
Auntie's wooden leg.
Everybody said it was well and truly
dead, oh Auntie's wooden leg...
I say, I say, I say!"
How dare you interrupt my
song with "I say, I say, I say!"
I say, I say, I say...
In this world it's not what you
know, but who you know.
I don't know either one of them.
Kindly leave the stage by the red door.
There's a fifty foot drop on the other side!
But we're still good friends...
Dohh!
Auntie's wooden ohh...
Uh ha, oh dear dear dear dear dear.
Auntie's wooden leg.
Aunties wooden leg, we'II...
That's enough of that... or she'll walk out.
That's what the audience did at the concert.
Try another song.
We're desperate men.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat.
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly.
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little twinkle,
You don't speak but you will twinkle.
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, little bee,
Twinkle, twinkle,
I'm so glad it isn't me...
Lovely isn't it? It could
almost pass for singing.
"Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..."
Anyway, I'd hadn't finished the
second verse at the concert
when the Queen bawls out...
"He's murdering the tunc!
Off with his head!"
How terrible for you.
You're very understanding for a small girl.
Anyway, if you'll pardon the expression,
Time took offence to our performance.
Uh - your performance!
And ever since then he won't do a
thing we ask... he stopped time.
Could he stop time for me?
I have to sing a song.
Oh wonderful! We're all performers here.
The roar of the greasepaint,
the smell of the crowd...
nothing like it!
But I don't want to!
Don't want to perform?
- It's unnatural.
- No, no, no. Stage fright.
I remember my first performance,
I shook so much my hat fell off.
If Time stopped time for you,
he could stop time for me.
But he only stops time at tea-time.
So it's always tea-time here?
Tell us a story.
I don't know any.
Then Dormy will.
Wake up, Dormy!
Ahhrgh! I wasn't asleep.
Oh no... I heard every
word you fellows said...
Tell us a story!
Please do!
And do it quick, otherwise you'll fall
asleep before you've finished it.
Once upon a time there were three sisters,
Elsie, Lacie and Tillie and they
lived at the bottom of a well.
What did they live on?
What did they live on? Treacle!
That would've made them ill.
It did. It made them very ill.
Have some more tea!
More tea! More tea!
I've had nothing yet so I can't have more!
You mean you can't have less.
It's very easy to have more than nothing.
Especially if you're poor.
I'd still like to know why they
lived at the bottom of the well?
Ah, oh well, it was a treacle-well!
A treacle well?! There's no such thing!
Disgraceful! You'll hear from
my solicitor in the morning!
Outrageous! What about a
letter to the "The Times"?!
If you can't be civil you can
finish the story yourself.
No, no... I'm sorry...
I won't interrupt you again...
I'm sure there must be,
at least, one treacle-well.
Now, where was I?
Oh yes... so these three
sisters were learning to draw...
Draw what?
Treacle!
Hole in one!
I want another clean cup... everyone move!
What I don't understand is,
how they could draw treacle?
You can draw water out of
a water-well, can't you?
Good one, Hatty! Good one!
I don't think I like this Tea Party
as much as I thought I would.
Then you shouldn't talk, just hum...
because we know you socially, Alice.
It doesn't mean we're going to
introduce you to our friends.
We haven't got any.
But if we had!
Ah, if we had!
I'm no staying here
listening to you being rude!
You'll find better places for that I'm sure!
Of course she will, if she's lucky!
Besides it's going to rain.
It never rains but it pours.
If it does, we carry on... we're
little heroes, aren't we, Dormy?
Officer, these men are criminals!
Who's got his ear trumpet?!
It's the most stupid
tea-party I've ever been to.
I told you he wouldn't fit.
He'll fit, we have to try harder.
I heard that... try harder.
Oh ah. No that's my nose.
No mind my ears...
That's curious...
Hmm... This time I'll manage things better.
Mmm...
At last. The perfect place to hide.
Oh look out there, Mr Five,
you're splashing paint!
I couldn't help it, Mr Two,
Mr Seven jogged my elbow.
Oh that's right, shifting
the responsibility again!
Ha, you can talk.
I heard the Queen say you
deserved to be beheaded.
What for?
Tulip-roots.
What?
For bringing the Cook
tulip-roots instead of onions.
Is that all?
That's a mistake anyone can make!
Hello...
Hello!
Why are you painting the roses red?
The fact is, Miss, this tree ought by
rights to've been a red rose-tree,
and we planted a white one by mistake.
Easy thing to do.
Yes.
If the Queen was to find out...
well, the fact is we'd all
have our heads cut off.
So you see, Miss, we're doing
our best to put things right.
Before she comes.
Ah! She's coming now!
The Queen! The Queen!
Left right, left right, left right, left,
Halt!
And who is this?
I agree entirely.
Don't be ridiculous!
Would I lie to you, Your Majesty?
Yes.
Oh well thank you, compliments
are always welcome.
You're an idiot!
That's right your Majesty.
Only you could spot that,
it takes one to know one.
A complete idiot!
Your name, child?
Alice, if it please Your Majesty.
Why have we stopped?
And who are these?
How should I know? I'm a stranger here.
Off with her head!
Off with her head!
Off with her her head!
Stop losing your temper... it's vulgar!
Consider, my dear, she's just a child.
You think so?
Yes that would account for it.
Children have no respect
for their betters these days.
You three get up!
Stop doing that! You're making me dizzy!
What is this?
If you please Your Majesty, we're trying...
Yes, you are aren't you...
Very trying... ha ha ha...
Off with their heads.
I won't let you be beheaded.
Quick jump in here.
Do you play croquet?
Who, me?!
Yes, you!
I'm not in the habit of talking to myself
if that's the only way I can get an
intelligent conversation round here...
Can you play Croquet?
Yes.
Come on then!
Nice day.
Very... Where's the Duchess?
Oh - Hush... Hush...
she's due to be executed.
Get to your places!
Don't look at me... look down.
Off with his head.
Off with her head.
Off with her head.
I don't like it here... they're too
fond of beheading people...
Ah it's the Cheshire Cat!
Hello, there...
How do you like the game?
They don't play very fair.
But nobody does if they think
they can get away with it.
That's a lesson you'll have to learn.
Well, I should've croqueted
the Queen's hedgehog
but my hedgehog wouldn't roll into a ball.
Well you've got to look at it from
the hedgehog's point of view.
Yes, I suppose I should have.
How do you like the Queen?
I don't... she's so extremely...
...likely to win, that it's hardly
worth finishing the game.
There's a good, good little girl.
Charming.
Charming.
Who're you talking to?
A friend of mine. Cheshire
Cat, this is the King.
Urghh - I don't like this at all...
but as you're in the presence
you may kiss my hand.
I'd rather not.
What?!
That's rank insubordination and
you know what that leads to...
And don't look at me like that!
A cat may look at a King.
What does that mean?
I read it in a book somewhere.
I haven't, but it sounds immoral.
It has undertones. That
book should be banned.
I like the sound of that.
Ah, my dear, how do we
get rid of a floating cat?
Off with its head!
Brilliant!
I knew I could rely on you, my dear.
I'll just go and fetch the executioner!
Do you know where my hedgehog went?
He rolled away over there.
Now stop it, it's alright
I'm not going to hurt you.
All that's necessary is a swift
chop to the back of the neck!
It's difficult!
But I must have a ruling!
I appeal to you, little girl!
You've still got a good
head on your shoulders!
No thanks to you.
What?!
Ohh!
I can't hear what you say.
One at a time please!
I'm sorry about my altitude.
It smacks of revolution! You're above us!
My argument is simple and
based on irrefutable logic.
I'm Chief Executioner.
But I can't cut off an head unless
there's a body to cut it from.
This here cat, hanging up there,
large as life and twice as
repulsive, has no body...
ipso facto, I cannot separate
it from hit's head...
My argument is, I venture
to say, overwhelming.
Anything that has a head can be beheaded.
And don't forget I'm also
a Justice of the Peace.
There's too much talk and not enough action.
And if something doesn't happen in a minute,
I'm going to have everybody executed!
You choose, little girl.
To behead or not to behead,
that is the question.
What's the answer, girl?!
You have to tread with care
when dealing with cats.
They have influence and are
seen in all the smart places.
You remember the Great Cat Massacre.
Ah, yes, I was forgetting.
Catastrophe.
I'd think carefully before acting rashly.
Sound advice, little girl.
And another thing,
the cat belongs to the Duchess.
She's in prison... fetch her!
I remember the Great Cat
Massacre of '28... nasty business.
Yes it was just after the Great
Flamingo Plague of '26 wasn't it?
- Shhh.
- What?!
Ahh... Duchess.
Think carefully before
answering this question...
Is this your cat?!
No!
No? It isn't?
I was told... ahh, it's gone!
It's your fault! It was in your custody!
It wasn't official, so it's nothing to
do with me, mate. I'm in the clear!
Help me find it! Everybody help!
Quick, quick. Quick.
Oh, you can't think how glad I am
to see you again, you old thing.
Thank you.
You look worried, my dear?
I don't want to go back and sing that song.
The show must go on.
Why?
Life would be very dull if it didn't.
Off with your head.
The game's going better now.
And the moral of that is...
"the more there is of mine,
the less there is of yours".
Or you could say "fortune favours the brave".
I could and I will...
"fortune favours the brave".
Oh that's a good moral.
You are a clever old thing you. Ohh!
Fine day, Your Majesty.
I gave you fair warning.
Either you or your head must be OFF!
Now, my dear, we can finish
our game, before you leave.
I'm frightened of going back.
They want me to do things I don't want to do.
To stay, you have to know the password.
I don't know it.
Guess.
"Penny-whistle".
Guess again.
"Lions and Unicorns".
Almost but not quite. It's "Honeycomb".
Can you write that word down?
Mmm yes.
Blindfolded?
Well...
I thought not!
Come, come, this won't do. Everybody play!
Off with their heads.
Off with their heads.
Off with everyone's heads!
This isn't such a lovely garden after all.
Now where have I got to?
Hmm... That looks like the coat
of arms we have at home.
Hello. Who are you?
Alice.
Alice? That sounds familiar.
And who are you?
A gryphon...
part eagle, part lion.
The best of each I always say.
Hmm, I thought you were
a mythical creature?
I am... that makes me even more fascinating.
Is there a way out of this maze, sir?
Let's ask Mr Mock Turtle.
He's my best friend... splendid fellow.
True blue through and through...
Rise and shine, old chum.
Oh, is there something wrong?
No, no, no. It's his fancy.
Who knows what sad thoughts tiptoe
through the mossy glades of his mind.
I know how to cheer him up.
Ah, Mockers tell this
young lady about yourself.
She's come to right person for
that... sit down, both of you.
Er no thanks, I've heard it before.
Sit down... it's the least you can do.
Once, ahhh haaa... I was a real turtle
I was a real... I was a real...
Thank you for that very interesting story sir.
I haven't started yet!
Stay, you may learn something.
You must've learned a lot
since you've been down here?
Yes I suppose I have.
When Gryph and I were little, we
went to school in the same sea,
and the Master was an old turtle.
We used to call him "tortoise".
Why would you call him
"tortoise" if he wasn't one?
We called him " tortoise
"because he taught us.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
asking a simple question like that.
He taught us reeling and writing, and
the basic fundamentals of Arithmetic.
Ambition, Distraction, Qualification
and we also learnt Drawling
The Drawling Master was an old conger-eel.
He taught us Drawling.
Stretching and Fainting in Coils.
Whoao!
What was that like?
I'll show you.
I'll have it in a minute.
I can't show it to you myself.
I'm a little too stiff.
Old age is not for weaklings.
And Gryphon, here, never
learnt it, did you, Gryph?
I didn't time...
I went to the Classical Master
though... what an old crab he was.
Tell her about the games!
Woo Cho cho cho cho choo -
You may never have lived in the sea
so you've probably never
been introduced to a lobster.
I once tasted a Io...
You what-what-what-what?!
Nothing.
You've never seen a Lobster-Quadrille then?!
No, what sort of dance is that?
Ha da cha cha cha chaa...
This will give you some
idea of what it looks like.
First you have to clear away all the jelly-fish.
You don't want to dance on top
of a lot of jelly-fish, do you?
Yah! Woo, Mmmm.
You have a line of dancers...
turtles, salmon, cod, skate.
Whoever's available.
And each one has a lobster
Don't forget about the lobsters!
Yes, then you advance twice, change
lobsters and retire in the same order...
Then, you throw the lobsters into the air.
Then you change lobsters again.
And that, little girl, is the
first figure of the dance!
It's a beautiful dance.
Oh, it is and it costs a pretty penny.
And a few ugly ones too.
Now, we'll show it to you.
"Will you walk a little faster?"
Said a whiting to a snail.
"There's a porpoise close behind
us, and he's treading on my tail,
See how eagerly the lobsters
and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle.
Will you come and join the dance?
See how eagerly the lobsters
and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle.
Will you come and join the dance?
Dance!
Will you, won't you, will you,
won't you, join the dance?
Dance!
Will you, won't you, will you,
won't you - join the dance?"
Dance!
Thank you. It was a very
interesting dance to watch.
And no wise fish would ever go
anywhere without a porpoise.
- Wouldn't it really?
- Course not.
Why, if a fish came to me and
said he was going on a journey,
I'd say "with what porpoise?"
So you like performing then?
No... I hate it.
Oh you know you mustn't it's such fun.
Stand up.
Oh you are standing up.
Recite "Tis voice of the sluggard".
She doesn't know that!
I do.
Recite it then!
"Tis the voice of the Lobster
I heard him declare.
You have baked me too
brown. I must sugar my hair
As a duck with its eyelids,
so he with his nose.
Trims his belt and his buttons
and turns out his toes"
You've got it wrong.
I keep getting things wrong today...
I think you'd better sing "Turtle Soup" instead,
if you would, Old Fellow.
You don't have to ask me twice.
He'll sing at the drop of a hat.
I haven't got a hat, but if
I had and it dropped it,
I'd sing before it touched the ground.
You're in for a treat, Alice...
Master... an undiscovered virtuose.
And he plays the spoons...
show her your reviews.
Later... Later, I'm in my
singing mode right now.
"Beautiful Soup so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties, would not stoop?
Soup of the evening,
Beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening.
Beau-ootiful, soo-oo... take it Alice!
Soo-oop!
Needs a little work, but we'll get it.
Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish.
Game or any other dish!
Who would not give all else
for two Pennyworth only of Beautiful Soup!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening.
Beau-oooo...
...tiful soooo-oooop!"
And now my dear - I think
you're ready to find your way
And they say this sort of
thing is only for the rich.
One more chorus, dear fellow!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening.
Beau-oooo...
...tiful soo-oop.
Beau-ootiful soup so...
Oh dear.
I was forgetting...
Ah, perhaps this is the way out.
Ahoy! Ahoy! She's my prisoner, you know!
And I've come to rescue her.
We'll have to fight for her.
You'll observe the rules of battle, of course.
I always do.
Good man.
Take that! Oh!
Curse my weak wrists!
You're worthy opponent, sir.
Another day perhaps?
Another day, sir!
Thank you very much...
That was a glorious victory, wasn't it?
As an encore I do the Battle of Agincourt.
- Here let me help you take your helmet off.
- Yes...
Oh, I can breathe now.
Thank you.
I see you're admiring my box.
It's my own invention to keep sandwiches in.
You see I carry it upside-down so
they don't get wet when it rains.
But they can drop out, the lid is open.
So that's what happened to my sandwiches!
Do you know why I did that?
No.
It's now a bee's nest.
I should be getting some honey very soon.
But you already have a bee-hive.
Oh, one of the best...
but the bees won't come near it.
Same with this.
It's better mouse-trap.
Come to think of it
I shouldn't be surprised if the
mice don't keep the bees out...
or the bees keep the mice
out... one or the other.
But why would you need a mouse-trap?
You won't find many mice running
around on the backs of horse's.
But if there were he'd be
protected, wouldn't you old chap.
Are you alright?
I hope you've got your hair fastened on tight?
Only in the usual way.
Well, that's not good enough.
The wind is as strong as soup around here.
You must be ready for anything.
Then nothing can frighten you.
You don't seem to have much riding practice.
What makes you say that?
You keep falling off your horse.
I've had plenty of practice
at that... plenty of practice.
Yes, I suppose you have.
The art of riding is to keep your balance.
Hold this.
What is it?
I forget but I know it was a bargain...
Plenty of practice... plenty of practice...
Mr Knight!
You see, our bodies are driven by our legs
and our legs are driven by our feet...
How can you go on talking
when you're like this?
Like what?
Head-downwards and body in the air.
What does it matter where
my body happens to be?
My mind goes on working just the same.
It's a hive of activity.
Ideas! Ideas! Ideas!
In fact the more head-downwards I
am, the more I keep inventing things.
The cleverest thing I ever invented
I thought of head-downwards.
And what was that?
A new pudding.
Come to think of it, I don't believe
that pudding was ever cooked.
Why, what was it made of?
Blotting-pepper!
Uh, that wouldn't have been very nice.
Not very nice alone...
but mixing it with other things
like gunpowder and sealing wax
gives it a true taste of the Cordon-Bleus...
Now I must leave you.
I've still dragons to slay
and young ladies to rescue.
You look worried. You're too young to worry.
Look at me I don't worry.
Well, I was thinking about the things
I have to do when I go home...
You're going home?
I don't want to but perhaps I should.
Just be brave. And always
get back on your horse.
Just keep your balance at all times. Yes, yes.
Can you tell me the how
to get out of the forest?
Plenty of practice, pl-ahhh!
Before you go!
Good-bye! Just be brave!
Mr Knight!
Oh, Tiger-lily,
I wish you could talk so you could
tell me how to get out of this wood?
I can talk when there's
anybody worth talking to.
Can all flowers talk?
As well as you...
It isn't manner for us to speak first.
We were wondering if you'd speak.
I thought your face had got some sense on it.
Not much, but some.
Hmm but the colouring's right.
Oh, I don't care about her colour...
If only her petals curled
more she'd be all right.
Aren't you frightened of growing out here,
with no-one to look after you?
There's plenty of trees. What
else are they good for?
But what good are trees
when danger comes near?
They have a good bark.
You didn't know that did you?!
Silence all of you!
They're only like that
because I can't get at them,
they're to close to the ground.
If you're not polite, I'll make you into a chain!
Daisies are worst of all,
next to Snap-Dragons.
How is it that all of you can talk so well?
I've been in lots of gardens and I've
never heard flowers talk before.
Feel the ground.
It's very hard.
Ah, in most gardens the
flower-beds are too soft,
so the flowers are always asleep.
I see... I never thought of that.
In my opinion, I doubt if you ever think at all.
Hold your tongue, all of you!
Now which way out of the wood?
That way.
That way.
Ere this way... that way!
Definitely that way.
That way! That way... er.
Over there! Don't step on us!
Look, we're standing still as waxworks.
And if you think we're waxworks
you should pay for the privilege of looking.
Wax-works aren't made to
be looked at for nothing.
No-how!
Contrariwise, if you think we're alive,
we ought to introduce ourselves.
I am Mr Tweedledum and
this is Mr Tweddledee.
I'm Alice.
Does the name Veronica
Buff mean anything to you?
No, who is she?
I don't know but we're obviously
doing her a favour mentioning her.
Do you think she'll be grateful
if she becomes famous?
No-how!
I was just thinking of that poem of you two.
"Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Agreed to have a battle.
For Tweedledum said Tweedledee
Had spoiled his nice new rattle.
Just then flew down a monstrous crow.
As black as a tar-barrel.
Which frightened both the heroes so.
They quite forgot their quarrel.
There's no monstrous crow!
You recited that poem very nicely.
Congratters... but it isn't us,
No-how!
No it's another set of er
Tweedledums and Tweedledees.
Altogether completely different
people, the names are the same.
Contrariwise, you began all wrong.
Yes yes. After you said "I'm Alice",
you should've said "How
do-dee" and shake hands.
Da-daa,
Now shake!
Here we go round the mulberry bush,
the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush.
Here we go around the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning.
Twice around is enough for any dance!
I hope you're not too tried?
No way, no way. Thank you for asking.
As we began with poetry and
song, let's continue that way.
I'm sorry I haven't the time.
Neither have we. We never carry a watch.
No-how!
The poem's called "The
Walrus and the Carpenter".
You'll love it.
Da-daa!
You start brother mine.
The sun was shining on the sea.
Yes, yes, yes...
The Sun was shining on the sea.
Shining with all his might.
He did his very best to make
the billows smooth and bright.
And this was odd, because it
was the middle of the night.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
were walking close at hand.
They wept like anything to
see Such quantities of sand.
If this were only cleared away...
It really would be grand!
If seven maids with seven
mops swept it for half a year,
do you suppose that they could get it clear?
I doubt it very much...
And he shed a bitter tear.
Sorry!
Hello!
Oooo!
Oh Oysters, will you walk with us?
The Walrus did beseech.
A pleasant walk, a pleasant
talk along the briny beach.
But we cannot do with more
than four, to give a hand to each.
The eldest Oyster looked at
him, but never a word he said.
Meaning to say he did not
choose to leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried
up, all eager for the treat.
Their coats were brushed,
their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean
and neat, and this was odd.
And why was that?
Because they hadn't any feet.
"The time has come", the Walrus
said, "to talk of many things."
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax.
Of cabbages and king.
And why the sea is boiling hot,
And whether pigs have wings.
"Wait a bit!" the Oysters cried,
"before we have our chat."
For some of us are out of
breath, and all of us are fat.
There really is no hurry.
We thank you very much for that.
A slice of bread is what we chiefly need.
Pepper and vinegar besides
are very good indeed.
So if you're ready, Oysters
dear, we can begin to feed.
But not on us! Not on us!
See we're turning a little blue.
After such kindness, that
would be a dismal thing to do!
Yes, it was very kind of you to
come! And you're very nice
Give another slice, my
friend give us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so
deaf, I've had to ask you twice!
Well, it seems a shame I must
confess to play them such a trick.
When we've brought them so far,
and made them trot so quick!
Look at this, oh look at this
The butter's spread too thick!
I weep for you, I really
do: I deeply sympathize
With sobs and tears he sorted
out those of the largest size.
Holding his pocket handkerchief
before his streaming eyes.
Oh Oysters,
I have to say, you've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again!
But answer came there none.
And this was scarcely odd because
They'd eaten every one.
O woeful, weeping Walrus,
your tears are all a sham.
You're greedier for oysters
than children are for jam.
So what's the verdict?
I like the Walrus best
because he did feel a
little sorry for the oysters.
Chaa! He ate more than Carpenter.
In that case I like Carpenter better...
if he didn't eat as many as Walrus.
He ate as many as he could get.
Then they're both very nasty characters...
Duh!
Is that a lion or a tiger?
Worse!
What is it?
It was the Red King snoring.
Yes he's the King of Heart's
lazy, no-good brother.
Every family has one.
Except ours...
We've got two.
Come let's have a look at him.
He'll catch a cold lying there.
He won't mind, he's dreaming about you.
You're only a sort of thing in his dream.
Yes if he woke up now, you'd go out... puff!
I would not!
Besides if I'm only a sort of thing in
his dream, then what are you two?!
I'm going!
Well, all's well that ends well.
What is that?!
It's your rattle.
You left it in the grass!
It looks a bit battered.
Uh! It's spoilt!
Don't get so upset about an old rattle.
Old! It isn't old!
I bought yesterday. It's brand spanking new!
There's only one thing for it.
Get a new one.
Nothing so simple. No, no, no.
We have to fight for the
honour of the Tweedles.
Right!
Ned Tweedledum versus the superior
strength and skill of Fred Tweedledee.
Frankly it's a bitone-sided.
I know... I was an advisor
to the British Army. Wha!
I advised them not to take
him but they wouldn't listen.
This is fighting talk.
Urrrrxxx... knikk... grrrrrgninch... so is this!
She must help us dress for it...
amour... to protect our vital parts.
Whatever the outcome dear brother,
I shall remember you in my will.
No money of course, but I shall
write "I remember you Fred".
I appreciate the thought but
I'd rather have the cash, Ned.
Why are you only wearing one sock?
I'm trying to save money.
Do I look pale?
A little.
Generally of course I'm very brave
but today I have a headache.
And I've got a... a toothache...
Which makes us even!
You'd better not fight today then.
Oh, we must have a bit
of a fight, it's expected
And all because of a rattle!
Yes, well I wouldn't have
minded but it was brand new!
It seems a bit petty.
Yes, indeed! That's exactly
why it's so important.
Arrghh!
The Blues!
The Blues!
It's the crow!
The monstrous crow!
Alice, you are hereby
and forewith summoned
to attend the trial of Sir
Jack, the Knave of Hearts.
How do I look?
Too early to say.
Try it again on soprano-sax.
What are they doing?
They can't have anything to
write, the trial hasn't begun yet.
They're putting down their own names
in case they forget them
by the time the trial is over.
Stupid things.
How do you spell stupid?
S-T-
What's after T?
Dinner! Is it dinner time?
It's dinner time!
No it isn't.
I was sure it was dinner time, my
stomach feels like my throat's been cut...
Silence in Court!
Quiet! Silent!
It's your own fault Cedric. You're too easy.
Chop off more heads. It's wonderful!
Chop, chop and there's blood everywhere...
It makes you proud to be Queen.
He missed!
Oh he did? Nevermind, I felt it anyway.
I'm not going to be called, am I?
Called what?
I don't want to stand up in
front of all these people.
Why am I here?
To save Jack from a death worse than fate.
Clerk of the Court, read the accusation!
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts.
All on a summer day.
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts.
And took them right away...
Oh, I confess!
I didn't do it!
And I'm glad, glad, glad I didn't do it!
And if I had my time again, I
probably still wouldn't do it.
Bang! An open and shut case.
That can't be right!
Did you say something, Alice?
No.
I'm glad that's over.
Members of the jury,
twelve good pigs and true
you must retire and consider your verdict.
- Not yet!
- Why not?
There's a great deal more to
come before you can say that.
That's odd - not to say strange.
Gentlemen of the jury it's
obvious the accused is guilty.
Put aside the evidence and look at his face...
It is the face of a habitual criminal.
A hardened felon, a recalcitrant rogue...
What is it?
We're lawyers for the defence!
Oh, I... er... rest my case.
Call the first witness.
Call the first witness!
CALL the first witness!
Call the first witness!
Call the first witness!
Call the first witness!
Call the first witness!
Call the first witness!
Good day!
Good day!
Snap!
I'm sorry about bringing
these things in with me
but I hadn't quite finished
my tea when I was sent for.
He never finishes his tea.
It isn't healthy, all those cucumber
sandwiches. Look at his legs!
I can't.
That's what I mean!
He's got a case of "cucumber legs".
The worst I've ever seen and
I've seen a few in my time.
Well you're a fine one to talk tubby!
You ought to have finished tea.
What time did you start?
I'll have to ask Mr Hare.
Send for him...
I didn't finish the sentence.
- You haven't passed one yet, Your Majesty.
- Oh, that's right.
When did we start tea? Fourteenth, wasn't it?
Fifteenth.
Sixteenth.
Write that down.
Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen.
Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen.
Now, subtract, multiply, and
convert to grams and kilos.
What's the answer?
They're slow.
They should be able to do it in their heads.
Off with them.
That hat! Disrespect of this Court. Take it off!
And his head with it.
I can't, Your Honour.
Why can't you take it off, pray?
It isn't mine.
Stolen!
Members of the Jury, write that down!
Stolen hat, one. This man
is a self-confessed thief
and he has the gall to come into
this court as a character witness!
The King seems very prejudiced.
Oh thank you, Alice.
That's what makes me so
eminently qualified to be a judge.
Oh yes!
Don't I know you?
I sell hats. I've none of my own.
I'm um um a hatter.
Then why didn't you say so. That's
the first thing you should've said.
Now give us your evidence.
Don't be nervous...
Oh no no no...
Or we'll execute you on the spot.
I'm not nervous.
I've nothing to hide.
Done my duty, served my country...
I do know you.
Didn't we meet in Biarritz in the summer
of '41? Or wasn't it Heidelberg?
Hatter! Your evidence!
He' s just making him more nervous.
Stay calm, Mr Hatter!
I'm a poor man, Your Honour,
and I haven't had my tea.
And what with the sandwiches getting
ruined after being eaten once...
and the twinkling of the tea cups...
Twinkling?
You're the "Twinkler"!
I remember, you sang at my
concert "Twinkle, twinkle little..."
Twinkle, Twinkle little gnat.
How I wonder what you're at.
You are very small indeed
you can vanish up my sleeve.
Up my sleeve, up my sleeve.
You can vanish up my sleeve.
We don't do encores.
But we're available for
weddings and funerals.
You did sing at my concert.
But this was even worse!
I've been practicing!
It's an offence against all we hold dear.
Cedric, this man ruined my concert
just as he's ruining your trial!
Oh! Sire, I'm a poor man,
I stand before you full of
remorse and malnutrition.
When Mr March Hare said...
I deny it!
I object.
Objection denied.
Ask Dormouse.
Ask Dormouse what?
I can't remember.
You must remember or I'll have you executed!
Stand your ground, Mr Hatter!
I'm a very poor man, Your Majesty.
And a very poor actor!
Ooooo.
Suppress that cheering.
If that's all you know, you may stand down.
Well I can't get down any
lower, I'm on the floor as it is.
You may go.
Would you like another chorus of "Twinkle"?
GO!
Take off his head outside!
Call the next witness.
What about me?
What about you?
I'm the accused.
All you do is call witnesses!
It's not fair.
I should have the most important part here.
I haven't said a word for pages and pages...
What did you want to say?
I'd just like you to know that
I have no need to steal.
I'm independently wealthy.
I've all the money I need for the rest of my life
provided I die by one
am tomorrow morning...
We'll try and arrange it.
Well, that's all right then.
Jack's an idiot.
He's your nephew.
Only on my Father's side.
That's my cook. How dare she!
Give your evidence.
Shan't!
Shan't?
Shan't... shan't!
What now?
Your worship must
cross-examine the witness.
- Oh must I?
- Be a man, Cedric.
Be a man!
Oh, very well.
What are the tarts made of?
Ere what about repeating
the question, kind sir?
I recognize your accent... Girton College?
No, I went to Oxford, Misses.
You poor devil, and what did you study?
Ow to speak like this!
The witness will answer the question.
What are the tarts made of?
Pepper, mostly.
Treacle.
What did he say?
Treacle!
That's Mr Dormouse!
He's no right to be here.
Off with his whiskers!
Call the next witness!
Call Alice!
I'm sorry.
What's the matter Alice?
I don't like being called up here like this.
I should like it, if it happened to me.
Yes, most people like being
the centre of attention.
Now, what do you know about
this business with the tarts?
Nothing whatsoever!
That's very important.
Unimportant, Your Majesty.
Unimportant, of course,
is what I mean to say...
Unimportant.
Unimportant.
Important.
Unimportant.
I've told you all I know. I'd like
to go back to my seat now.
We're moved by your plea, but I
am reminded of Rule Forty-Two:
All persons more than a mile
high have to leave Wonderland.
I'm not a mile high.
You are.
More like two miles high!
You just invented that rule.
It's the oldest rule in the book.
Then it should be Rule Number One!
Careful Cedric, they're taking over the Court,
especially that girl.
Punish somebody.
You've too much to say for yourself Alice.
Jury consider your verdict.
No! Sentence first, verdict after.
That's stupid!
Have a care, Alice!
I can't let you condemn an innocent man.
Why not? It happens all the time.
Off with her...
Don't keep shouting "Off with her head"
in case someone shouts "Off with yours".
You've lost your last chance of staying here.
It's back to the real world for you, young lady!
I don't care!
All the tarts are here so how could
the prisoner have stolen them?!
There is no crime!
Alice! Don't you care what people think?
Not when I'm right.
Are you so confident, young lady?
Yes I am.
Yes I am confident!
Then you don't need us anymore.
Alice!
Alice!
I'm coming
I'm here, I'm here.
I'm back! Sorry, I'm late!
We were getting worried.
And now, our daughter,
Alice, is going to sing for us.
It's "Cherry Ripe" isn't it, dear?
No.
I've got a better one.
"Will You Walk A Little Faster
Said A Whiting To A Snail".
Are you sure, dear?
Yes, I'm sure.
"Will you walk a little faster?"
Said a whiting to a snail,
There's a porpoise close behind
us, and he's treading on my tail,
See how eagerly the lobster
and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle.
Will you come and join the dance?
Will you won't you, will you,
won't you, join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you,
won't you, join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you,
won't you, join the dance?
Well done!
Enchanting!