All I Didn't Want for Christmas (2022) Movie Script
1
Everybody's in a hurry
Ah, Christmas.
Shopping till
they're droppin' in the snow
The most magical time
of the year.
Kids are cryin',
dogs are barkin'
A truly wondrous time,
a time when
all our wishes come true
in fairy-tale land.
But this isn't a fairy tale,
and Christmas
is a horseshit holiday
that makes us all feel like crap
and reminds us of what's wrong
in our lives.
That's why I'm here.
Welcome back, KLDA listeners.
I'm Emily Harris and you're
listening to "Ask Emily."
Oh, it looks like we have time
for one more sad Christmas
caller who needs my help.
Hi, you're on the line
with Emily.
What's your name,
and what's your problem?
Uh, hi.
My name is Greg and I have
sort of an awkward question.
Awkward.
Mm, that's my specialty.
Lay it on me.
My girlfriend's parents
have been calling me Craig
for two years, but it's Greg.
Do I correct them?
- Yes, you correct them!
Also, real quick,
if the holidays isn't the time
to get a little
passive-aggressive,
then I don't know when is.
Greg, here's what
you're gonna do.
You're going to go out
and get yourself
a custom Christmas sweater
with your actual name,
Greg, front and center.
Oh, my God, that's genius.
Can I write,
"No one likes your fruitcake"
on the back?
Fruitcake?
You talking about fraudcake?
Yeah, you write that too,
on the back in lights...
Out of my chair, Harris.
- Uh... one, test, test.
- Who's this?
Uh, that's the new intern,
and we're just
testing the audio.
It sounds great.
Yeah, whatever.
Listen.
Queue up that new music
I sent you this morning.
It totally sings.
Yeah, you got it.
You're on in two.
It's a celebration
What's up, what's up,
what's up, New York City?
You're listening to KLDA 93.3,
your choice for music, news,
celeb gossip, and me,
Ken "Spicy Ay-yi-yi" Spicer!
Now we're going to go
straight to the phone lines
for your favorite Christmas
tradition, "Dear Santa."
I mean, it's my last week.
Okay?
I can do what I want.
Ugh, only four more days
of this song.
Well, there'll be
no avoiding tonight,
because tonight's the big night.
Yeah.
Em, you know
Ken is deciding tonight
on who's taking over his slot,
okay?
You got to strap
on your boss pants
and pitch him "Ask Emily"
tonight at the Christmas party.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
He's never gonna know that you
want to be a DJ
unless you tell him.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay.
So what's your plan?
Oh, I was hoping you would ask.
So my plan is to keep
all my wishes to myself,
so I'm never embarrassed
or disappointed.
See you tonight, coward.
And don't forget
to wear your sparkly dress.
I would never forget
to wear my sparkly dress.
No.
You gave the kid
a LEGO Tokyo Skyline.
Uh, yeah.
He asked for a scooter!
Okay, I did that kid a favor,
all right?
And if he had any taste,
he would know that.
Do you know
how many complaint letters
we've gotten about you?
You know how the big man
feels about being selfish.
He is not happy,
so here's what we're gonna do.
We are assigning you
to the Lost Souls Department.
No! Lost Souls?
Nah, nah, nah, I'm not good
with talking with people.
Mm, you don't say.
No, I don't like
people like that, okay?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- I can't... I can't do it.
So here's what you're gonna do.
You are going to work with,
listen to,
and actually help
your assigned human,
and learn not to be so selfish.
Or you are getting reassigned
to work for...
The Tooth Fairy.
I want to be beautiful
Want to be beautiful
Okay, okay!
I want to be
so much more
Not bad, Harris.
Boris!
You think all the boys
at the Christmas party
is gonna like my outfit?
Well, KLDA listeners,
looks like we're gonna need
a little liquid courage
to do anything cool tonight!
A little more eggnog
for your girl.
Wow.
Completely out.
It's not even worth
drinking that.
Okay, fine.
Adult booze it is.
You're grown anyway, girl.
Get you a little.
Mm, mm, mm.
Ugh!
There it goes.
There it is.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay.
Cool Emily.
Cool Emily is coming
to the party.
Okay, okay.
You look him right in the eye
with all of your confidence
and you say... you say, um...
Ken, baby.
Listen up, okay?
I want to take over for you
with my groundbreaking
advice show, "Ask Emily."
The ratings
are gonna spike so high,
you'll think
you're on cocaine again,
but in a good way.
Come on, baby, Ken!
You and I both know
I'm too good to be producing
somebody else's show.
What do you say?
The wink is what's
gonna sell it.
It's the... you're
gonna get your show.
You're gonna get your show,
and Christmas is not
gonna suck for once.
Let's go!
Ugh, Mom.
Why is she always calling me?
It's finally happened!
We're finalists
for the annual Glen Ridge
Christmas Tree
Decorating Contest!
Linda's gonna eat my dust!
I just need you
to come for the party.
Oh, absolutely not.
That's never gonna happen.
Definitely working all day.
I won't take no for an answer.
See you tomorrow.
No, you won't!
And don't bring
that hideous silver thing
that makes you look
like a burrito.
Yeah,
I want to be beautiful
Can't wait to put her in a home.
I want to be beautiful
- Merry Christmas
- Yeah
- Merry Christmas
- Oh, oh, oh
Merry Christmas
Hey!
I thought we were both
wearing our sparkly dresses.
I had a dry cleaning emergency.
But, a little sparkle.
There.
Now we look exactly alike.
- Exactly.
- We're like Tia and Tamera.
Ladies!
Nice to see you.
Shouldn't I be
wearing that crown?
Why is that, Janice?
Because you're the queen
of kissing Ken's ass?
It's obvious Ken's gonna
name me his replacement.
Okay, we all know how
you got your job, Janice.
You give your knee pads
a rest tonight?
Oh, good one.
You should know by now that
I get everything I want, okay?
Cute dress, though.
I like the zipper.
It's cute.
Ugh.
No, I know, I know, I know.
I'm gonna ask Ken.
I will.
I'm gonna ask him, but, like...
Look, for now let's just
concentrate on getting
really drunk, really fast.
Yes, oh, yes.
Right here.
- Focus on that.
- Hi.
Hey, hi.
- Ah!
- And to boobs.
Both: Ugh!
It's in the throat,
you know what I mean?
Just like, mm.
OMG.
It's the hot IT guy.
He's standing there
at the buffet.
Alone.
Hey!
Not for long.
Hold this.
Hey.
Emily!
Fun party.
Thank you, you look...
Oh, you didn't say...
- What?
- Nice sweater.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
I... uh-oh, mistletoe.
Hmm.
You know, maybe we should...
Uh, do you... you don't
have a cat, right?
Because cats are allergic
to mistletoe, so...
Stay alert, stay alive.
Bye!
Bye.
Come on, Emily, spit it out.
Just say it.
You say something?
Ken, I was, um...
It's just that I know that...
Ken, what I want you to...
I've had to pee all night,
you know?
Good to know.
- Hey, what happened?
- I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
I just... like,
how do people do this?
Like, I know I'm supposed
to ask Ken for the on air job,
and I choked.
And I know I'm supposed
to try to make out
with the hottie
under the mistletoe,
and I choked at that too.
And it just feels like
all of my words get stuck
in my throat, and I can't...
Like, what do you do...
How do you do...
How does anyone do any of this?
I just feel like every single
thing I do is so wrong.
Hey, um, can I have
a nogtini, please?
Sorry.
That guy got the last of them.
Love nogtinis.
Gosh.
Cheers.
That butt-kissing Janice
got my nogtini?
She ain't getting my job.
Not at all.
I'm gonna go in, and I'm gonna...
I'm gonna demand it, and I'm...
I'm... here I go.
Emily, you're
still standing here.
My feet.
All right, let's do this.
Okay everyone, hey, come on.
Gather round, gather round.
Listen up.
So I was gonna do this
after the holiday,
but hell, it's Christmas.
Anyway, we figured out
who's gonna replace me.
It's gonna be Janice.
As you can imagine,
the choice was clear.
So get ready
for "The Dish with Janice"!
There you go!
Let's dance.
Here we go.
- Boo!
- Boo.
I already hate your show.
You're the only one not dancing.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
Santa, mind your business, okay?
Also, you have never brought me
anything I've ever asked for.
Well, why don't you put it
in a letter then, drunky?
Oh, you gonna go with him.
Real supportive.
Hey, can you, um...
Can you give me something
to make me forget tonight?
Try that.
Thank you, but keep them coming.
- You got it.
- Mm, mm.
Yeah.
- Pure elf's blood.
- Oh, mm.
Nah, you acting shy.
One and two, and, and...
And do the step.
Look at the babies.
Hi!
Merry Christmas!
What are you doing?
You guys writing your letters?
About your hopes,
and your dreams,
and your Christmas wishes, and...
Ooh, Santa's gonna
deliver my Christmas wishes.
Lies, children!
Ma'am, please.
Lies!
They need to know.
Santa doesn't
grant you anything.
He didn't grant me my job,
and I want to... look at her!
She got my job.
How'd they get that up so quick?
And I didn't even get
to make out with the IT guy!
When's the last time
you make out with somebody, hm?
You can't be here without kids.
Oh!
All of a sudden,
I ain't got a kid.
I can't have a baby?
I have a child, and his name...
It's Timothy.
- You're drunk.
- You're drunk!
And his name is Thomas,
and he would
really appreciate...
So I'm gonna go ahead
and I'm gonna get...
Excuse me?
Sis, I will not.
That way!
Ma'am, no, ma'am!
Excuse me!
Rude.
Okay, you got your letter.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
For Timmy!
For Timmy!
Okay, Santa.
Let's see how magical
this mofo really is.
Dear
ugly asshole.
JK, JK.
Dear Santa Claus,
I know it's been a while
since we spoke
because I don't believe in you
because I'm an adult.
However, um,
you still be granting wishes?
'Cause here are mine.
All right,
come on, it's for kids.
Let's go, let's go.
Santa needs to grant me wishes!
Ma'am, no.
Ma'am, no!
It's for Timmy!
Hey, boss.
I got a good one for you.
Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, nogtinis, yes.
Oh!
This is a toughie.
Her Christmas spirit
is in the basement.
I think I know
just the right elf
for this assignment.
This is the guy.
Boris, I did it.
I did it.
Okay.
All right.
Goodnight, Boris.
Maybe this Christmas
won't be so bad after all.
Get off of me.
Second best?
Hm, Oprah?
You are enough?
Emily, breakfast!
Get a move on.
We have a lot to talk about.
Is that my mom?
Wish number one, I want to be
actually close to my mom.
Hark,
the herald angels...
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hey, handsome.
Peace on Earth
and mercy mild
God and sinners
reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Mom?
Dad?
Why am I here?
Oh!
Good afternoon.
I see someone overslept again.
Um...
How fast can you eat?
Because we have
a million things to do.
And what are you wearing?
Oh, ugh!
You're gonna go up
and change, right?
Okay, I'm sorry, when did...
In an hour, I told you!
The annual tree
decorating contest?
Big parties?
In three days?
We have to go and get
the fireplace garland!
Oh, oh!
Honestly, Emily!
Okay, I just meant,
when did I get here?
I didn't... did I
drive here last night?
Oh, I am going to jail.
I don't understand
your sense of humor.
Here, here.
Drink your nogtini, okay?
Wish number two, I want
all the nogtinis ever.
Go up, change into
something flattering, please!
And then let's scoot!
Oh, all right.
I don't know
what's happening here,
but I need to get back
to my show... oh, my God,
do I still have that job?
Show?
What is she talking about?
I have no idea.
The Rockettes or something?
Rockettes?
Oh, God, finally.
You know, he is so late.
He is 12 minutes late!
The liquor for the party!
Okay, what is happening here?
Hi, ma'am.
Where would you like these?
- You're late.
- I'm sorry about that.
We're a little backed up.
Christmas parties and all that.
Fine, over there.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I don't live here.
Cool, I don't either.
Yep, here we go.
Ah!
Careful!
Those are my snowmen!
All right.
They're heirlooms!
Thank you for your business,
and sorry again for the delay.
Merry Christmas.
Okay.
Men!
Never trust a man
with a winning smile.
Your daddy ain't got one.
Zoom, zoom.
Don't you start.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I'm not dealing with this.
Look, I'm sorry,
I'm not going to look
at any fireplace garland
or anything.
I'm just gonna...
Merry Christmas, y'all.
- Emily.
- See you.
What?
She... oh!
How could she?
Hark, the herald sing
That's what I thought.
What's up?
No, because you've
been following me.
What's up?
What you want?
I'm trying to sort out
how much of a pain in my ass
you're gonna be.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm an elf.
Wolf.
You're a wolf?
You're an elf?
What is this?
What are you talking about?
No, no... oh.
I'm an elf.
My name is Wolf.
Cool, Wolf elf.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to mind my business
back to the city by myself.
I suggest you stay here.
Okay, but look.
Your apartment's not gonna
be there when you get there.
You're still drunk.
I'm still drunk.
I get what's happening here.
But still, your apartment's
not gon' be there, okay?
Because this isn't your life.
I mean, technically it is.
But... this part is
always hard to explain.
Okay, look, you know that
letter you wrote to Santa?
All your wishes are coming true.
Okay.
You're a crazy person.
That's clear.
There's a... hello?
Help?
Damn it, nobody here no more?
Elf guy talking to me.
You know what, go ahead.
See for yourself, all right?
But don't be surprised
by all the magical crap.
Go on.
Okay.
I want some help
for you, brother.
Let me get in here.
Don't... you stay there.
Okay.
Okay.
"Woman crushed to death
in freak reindeer
leaping accident."
Wish number three, I wish Janice
would take a flying leap.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Can I have this for free?
She's my best friend.
Thank you.
No.
Okay.
That's it.
That's it.
Oh, come on.
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
Come on!
Yo!
You got the wrong
apartment, lady.
Is this 5C?
- Yeah.
- And you live here?
Yeah.
Can I help you?
Cool, cool, no.
Don't panic.
Hey, um, is there a cat in here?
His name is Boris,
and he's insightful and fluffy.
- I'm vegan.
- Oh, but we don't eat him.
He's for loving.
Boris? Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
What is happening?
This can't be real.
It's not real.
Is it? Is it?
Wait, am I crazy?
Oh, God, did I kill someone?
Oh, no, do I have to spend
Christmas with my mom?
Did you say kill?
You wanna tell me what
the hell is going on here?
It's what I was
trying to tell you, okay?
You remember wandering
up in here last night?
Dear Santa Claus.
Job stealing bitch!
Lies, children!
There's nothing
in this but lies!
Ma'am.
I'm... I'm going, sir!
Yes.
Okay?
Well, your wish came true, okay?
You got your wish.
Santa is into lessons this year.
I know.
It's super annoying.
You know how you want to be
close to your mom, right?
Okay.
Okay, well, now y'all
are close physically.
- That's not what I meant!
- I know.
Santa is a literal
son of a bitch.
Actually, is this your boy here?
Tell your boy to take it back.
I'm out.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Listen, listen, listen, okay?
It's not that easy, all right?
You got until 12:00 midnight
Christmas Eve.
And you got to prove
to Santa that you've changed,
that you've learned your lesson,
that you got
your Christmas spirit back.
And you're gonna
have to write him
an amended letter about
your true Christmas wish.
Then you'll get
your old life back,
and no one will remember
any of this except you.
No.
Fight me.
What if I don't do it?
- No?
- Yeah, no.
Okay, well, if you don't do it,
then you're gonna be in this
alternate universe forever.
And your last wish
is gonna come true forever.
My last wish.
Oh, God.
I don't even want to know.
What is it?
Oh, okay, okay.
Let's see what it is.
You wished that the entire world
would turn into fruitcake.
I would never ask for that.
Not once.
You right.
Yeah, okay.
You didn't ask for that exactly.
This is what you said.
You said, "Oh, I'm so hungry.
"Oh, I could eat anything.
Oh, you know what?
"Deliver me all the fruitcake
in the world
since you such
a magical mofo."
- Damn.
- That's what you said.
That sounds just like me.
And I guess
I'm here to help you.
I just... good God, I truly
am the queen of bad decisions.
It's a celebration
What is happening?
Okay, well,
apparently you wished
to be the queen
of a dance circle,
and you just said
the secret word.
What... no, no, no, no.
You can go.
How do I get them to go?
You can go.
They're not gonna stop, okay?
You gon' have to dance, okay?
Or this gonna go on forever.
Look at her.
That's gonna happen.
That right there
with the ribbon.
There.
Go on, dance.
Let me hear you say,
I'm ready for the holiday
That's what you chose?
You chose that?
Okay, okay.
I can't do this.
Mm.
Mm-hmm, how do I
still have that?
Well, KLDA Nation,
looks like
we officially have a Christmas
of all I didn't want.
Mm.
Ah.
Emily, breakfast!
Okay.
Ice sculptures, which you
and your dad can pick up.
Okay.
And also, of course,
our hair appointments.
And we have to find you
a date for the party.
No, I really don't think we do.
Listen, it's only two days.
Don't be nervous.
I know that we can do this.
Which brings us to Goldie,
Silversmith, and Platinum.
I'll handle her alone.
Oh, she is going
to win that cover for us.
It's her year.
I know she can do it.
If we find her the right tools,
she can do anything she wants.
Right, the tree can
do whatever she wants.
Me, not so much.
Hey, how do I look?
Like you are
avoiding helping me.
Oh, oh, oh, Em.
There was
this sort of love letter
waiting for you at the door.
Okay.
Well, ladies, have fun.
Fellas are waiting.
I got to go.
I love you, baby.
Get out of here!
He's always running off.
Oh!
It's from Chet Charles.
No frigging way.
- Chet Charles.
- Oh.
Okay.
"Please go out with me.
"Until then,
here's a lock of my hair
"to keep my essence near.
Love you forever."
Oh, my God.
This is so gross.
Wish number five,
I want the hottest guy
I can think of
to be completely crazed-balls
obsessed with me.
High school god Chet Charles.
Oh, Chet Charles.
He's a sweetheart.
Didn't you have a big crush
on him in high school?
Mom, that was
like a million years ago.
But it looks like
he's a serial killer now.
No, no.
You should know he's a dentist.
I mean, he has
his posters all over town.
I am just so surprised
that he sent this to you.
Now you can cross off
finding a date as one
of the tasks on your list.
You know something?
You have been moving
like molasses.
You act like you want
to be late for work.
- Work?
- Work!
Come on, let's get out of here.
I didn't realize
I had a job here.
Well, you do.
Come on, hurry up.
Oh!
The ice angels
are back in stock again.
Now, remember to pick up the
frozen pigs in a blanket, okay?
After you get off of work.
And brush your hair.
Ah!
Look, your boyfriend,
Chet the dentist!
Oh, I gotta go.
I gotta get those angels.
Oh, come on, they're over there.
That's not my man.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Okay, well,
this is where you work.
Boss Ass Bitchmas?
Wish number six,
I want to be a boss ass bitch!
- Mm-hmm.
- Ornament?
I... oh, no!
- Huh, what?
- Hide me!
Okay, look.
I don't really do hugs,
you know.
This feel weird, so...
No, no, no, no, no.
You see that girl over there
with the blonde hair
and the angry eyes?
Ginger George.
She used to be my best friend,
up until freshman year,
when she decided to ruin my life
at the Glen Ridge Christmas Fair
in front of everybody.
What happened?
I actually can't
go there right now.
I can't.
It's... I can't.
In a nutshell,
she bullied me straight through
high school graduation.
It was awful.
I mean,
I went from having friends
to all of a sudden
being a social pariah.
Like, you should
have heard the things
that the kids said about me.
And to my face!
Oh, no, no, no.
Ahh!
BFF!
Wish number seven, I want a BFF.
You crazy biznatch!
Why were you doing
that little hidey-hidey thing?
And um... oh, my God, who is this?
Is it your boyfriend?
No, this is my elf.
Okay.
Why you being so weird,
you weirdo?
Oh, my God.
So I finished the
Bitches Love Santa ornaments,
and I designed
this super cute new one.
"Don't be silent
tonight, bae."
It's even cuter
when other people say it.
So are you ready to get to work?
No, I need a minute.
Okay, BRB then because
I'm going to grab coffee,
unless maybe I could
grab something else?
Okay.
Excuse me, what was that?
Yeah, I figured
this would happen.
It's my elfmones.
Yeah, elf pheromones
are like catnip to humans.
Sad.
Huh?
Can I get you something, Daddy?
No, no!
Focus.
Okay, what I'm getting here
is that I work here
with my bully, who is my BFF?
I'm gonna leave
in a huff so huffy.
- Okay.
- Get ready for it.
I'm writing Santa now!
Dear Santa,
my true wish is to go back
to my real life.
- That's not gonna work.
- There, yeah.
No, oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Santa, you got me.
You will not beat me!
I think the real problem was
that I wasn't specific enough,
and I totally under...
I apologize.
Dear Santa, sorry
I wasn't specific enough.
I would like
to live at 5C again.
- No, it's...
- Chill, I got this.
- Okay, okay.
- 5C.
Pass the tofu nuggets, roomie.
Tofu?
- Hey, welcome back!
- I got it.
I figured it out.
You smell like tofurkey.
I know, I know.
I just need
to be real specific with him,
or I need to... I got it.
Dear Santa, I want everyone
at my job to see the real me.
Real you... no!
- I have to beat Santa's ass.
- Santa is literal!
- I will beat...
- Santa is literal!
Can Santa whoop my ass?
Why are you naked,
you crazy bitch?
- Lookin' good, Emily!
- Is this casual Friday?
Okay.
Dear Santa,
you think this is a game?
Huh, Santa?
Okay.
- Erase everything...
- No, don't write that!
And start... shh!
- Don't write it.
- Huh? Huh?
- Don't do that.
- Huh! Huh!
Erase everything
and start over, ha!
Ooh!
You don't wanna say start over.
No, we gon' start...
Over
Wolf?
Wolf?
Oh, my God, fruitcake feet.
Oh, no, no, no!
Lost Souls Department,
Emergency Services.
Uh, yeah, man,
I'ma need a reset.
She reached Snowpocalypse.
Yikes, Tooth Fairy.
Sure you wanna reset now?
I mean, how bad
can the Tooth Fairy be?
You seen her teeth, man?
Ugh.
Ah! Ah, help me!
Wolf!
Yo, hey.
Are you done?
Ah!
I'm done.
Okay.
Well, now what,
oh, magical elfin guide?
Okay, well, maybe neither
is your best life, okay?
Not the old one
and not the new one.
Are you trying
to say something helpful?
Be careful.
Okay, okay, look.
I'm sorry you got stuck
with a shitty guide.
- I did.
- All right.
This is not my area
of expertise.
But maybe it's time
we lean into this whole thing.
Okay?
For the both of us.
Because I know you don't care.
I don't.
But if this doesn't
work out for you,
I'ma have to work
for the Tooth Fairy.
Okay, cool.
So now the Tooth Fairy is real.
Look, assuming
that I believe you,
that doesn't even
sound that bad.
Not that bad?
Okay.
All right.
You know what?
Look at this.
Oh, we need to figure
this out together.
One sec.
Not you dressed
like you in Silk Sonic.
How you do that?
I'm a magical elf, bitch!
All right, well,
now I look like garbage,
so I'm finna go change.
Do not look
at my yearbooks, okay?
Hmm, what's a yearbook?
The disrespect.
Okay, you were not kidding
about those pheromones, huh?
Yeah.
That's why we don't do karaoke.
It's too risky.
Yeah, say less.
That'd be too dangerous for you.
Hey!
It's the gal
from the party house
with the punctual mom.
It's the late delivery guy
with the booze.
Yeah.
Wyatt Snowmyn.
Wyatt Snowman?
No, close, "myn."
- Are you serious right now?
- Snowmyn.
Oh, I understand
what's happening.
This is... it's very clear.
You're a snowman
who's temporarily been
turned into a human being.
This is really hilarious.
This is very clever.
This is why he was so cute
and smiley the other day.
You think...
You thought I was cute?
Actually, I'm sorry.
I don't have time for questions.
We're actually in the middle
of something right now, so...
Can I just learn whatever
the lesson is tomorrow?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Babe!
I'm very busy.
Please just go find your magic
hat or whatever, you know.
I'll catch up with you
tomorrow, all right?
- Okay, I'm...
- Get!
- Get?
- Snowmyn.
Y'all ain't on a schedule?
He's not one of ours.
Oh, sh... hey, Snowmyn!
Sh...
Maybe he melted.
Shut up!
Okay, a little corn dog truck.
Mm-hmm, that's how
we do it in the 'burbs!
Where do you hang out?
Oh, reindeer stalls.
All right, so let's lean in!
Okay, let's start here.
So, uh, lover boy.
Tell me about him.
Oh, come on.
That's so embarrassing.
Chet Charles was like
the high school heartthrob.
If I knew that this was real,
I would have chosen
someone else.
Let's go a little
bit deeper, okay?
Let's start at the beginning.
Let's see.
Tell me about this.
Yeah, that's me and Mom in front
of her three
precious Christmas trees.
She was always more proud
of them than she was of me.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you ready
to tell me about Ginger?
Okay.
Ginger and I were best friends.
We were inseparable, honestly.
And when I started getting
a little chubby,
I also got really insecure
because kids are assholes.
And Ginger always had my back,
you know,
until the Christmas she decided
to make my body a thing.
I hate her already.
Continue.
So we were rehearsing
for the Christmas talent show
for weeks,
and we were just
about to go on stage, and...
Hey, Ginger!
Are you ready?
I'm pretty nervous.
So they don't think
you should perform with us.
What?
But why?
Isn't it obvious, Gummy Tummy?
Rude.
I hate Christmas.
Then she just dropped me.
And you really
never danced again?
No, not at school,
or really anywhere else.
Yeah, when
your best friend dumps you
real publicly like that,
you sort of learn
that life is a little better
out of the limelight.
Man, that makes me mad.
I just want to punch Dasher
right in his face.
And I like Dasher.
He's my guy.
Thank you so much
for your emotional outburst.
Also, you know, I uh...
Even though I still don't know
how to get out of this mess,
I actually do feel a lot better
unloading all of that.
So thank you.
Look at you being
surprisingly helpful.
Hey, I'm pretty wise.
Great, I need that.
So what do I do now?
Ooh, fudge if I know.
Why are we opening these books?
You really think Linda's
trying to sabotage you?
Well, I don't know anymore.
But I did see her peeping
through our window last night.
And if you don't call
that sabotage,
then I don't know.
Um, I think you should
just talk to her.
You like all the same stuff.
Decorating, holidays,
glitter, dressing nice,
holidays, looking pretty.
- You think she's pretty?
- Oh, heavens no.
I think
you're pretty, baby
Sure look good to me
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Well, she never invites me
to her ladies' nights, you know?
Of course I wouldn't go,
but I mean,
I think it still would
be nice to be asked, you know?
I'm fun.
Right, Stan?
Of course you are.
You are very... yeah.
Sure you are, baby.
I think there's one spot
over by your right armpit
that is empty still.
No, no, your right armpit.
The right.
Baby, this is my right armpit.
No more nogtinis for you.
Okay.
I just don't think we have
the right feature piece.
We need a unique
conversation piece,
you know, a showstopper.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe I can find one
after the hair salon.
Hey, you ready?
Oh, hey, baby.
You ready to go?
Okay, chop chop.
Let's do it.
So, Sally.
Thank you for squeezing us in
for this trial run.
So tell me,
how high can you get our hair?
All the way up, baby.
Oh, you gave me a chill.
You know, my daughter, Emily,
she's gonna be bringing
a dentist to the party.
- No.
- Oh, a dentist?
- Yes!
- No, no, no, no, I'm not.
I'm not gonna bring
the dentist to the party.
Actually, that drinks
delivery guy was really cute,
don't you think?
Uh...
Mom, are you listening to me?
So how is Linda
wearing her hair to the party?
I'm not sure yet.
She's gonna tell me
at rummy tonight.
Oh.
So you still playing rummy
with that basic bitch?
Just a few of us.
I don't even like rummy,
honestly, hm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, we look like
giant Christmas gnomes.
Did you... I mean,
you really like it this way?
The holiday look in Paris.
We must do it.
Mom, are you gonna be okay
if you don't win this thing?
I just love this look.
Huh?
You say something?
I said you're gorgeous,
and I'm so glad I look like you.
No, you look like your dad.
Yeah, well, now the hair's
coming all the way down, baby.
Much better.
Dear KLDA listeners,
Emily Harris here,
reporting live from
the nightmare before Christmas.
Do I have what it takes
to find my Christmas spirit
while working for my bully
and also wearing
the world's worst hairstyle?
Stay tuned!
Let me just do that.
Was that always a fruitcake?
No, it used to be a bush.
Ginger, I'm reporting
for work or whatever.
Ugh, a note.
Okay.
Hey, bitch!
Sorry, had to close today.
Sexmergency.
Blame your spicy little friend
and his spicy cologne.
Oh, girl, I'm pretty sure
elves are asexual.
I'm not
with your friend, B-T-dubs.
Not yet.
- Gross, come on, girl.
Anyways, uh, take the day off.
It's Xmas Eve Eve.
See you at darts tonight, bitch.
Christmas Eve Eve already?
God!
"I wanna roast your chestnuts
this Christmas."
I hate that that's so funny,
but it is.
Ooh.
Hey, handsome.
Talk about a showstopper.
And no guy in the world
like mine
No way, I miss
the nights by the fire
Hi.
Just gonna...
Aw.
And the city
keep on moving
Last minute lovers
like the movie
Gonna feel like Christmas,
baby
He's got the mouth.
You playing rummy tonight too?
No problem.
Oh, I have plenty that I can do.
Listen, I'll just see you
tomorrow at the party, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
I can't stand her.
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, Emily.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I want you to help me
apply that gold leaf
to the nutcracker dolls.
Yeah, I got you.
But actually, I wanted
to show you something.
So I went down to the shop,
and I got you a bunch of,
you know, really cute
but traditional ornaments.
But I think we both know
that what you really need
is a showstopper.
Mmhmm.
So I found something that
your girl Platinum over here
would really appreciate.
And I want to warn you,
it can be seen as a little edgy,
but edgy is in right now.
Trust me, so...
Bam!
Isn't he cute?
He's a little merman!
Yeah.
I was thinking
that he would go great
right in that middle space,
right in the center of the tree.
Why don't you put all of these
on the tree
in your daddy's office?
Right, of course,
the tree no one's gonna see.
Mom, do you think maybe
you want to try the ornament?
It's really, really important.
Baby, it's a bit edgy
for the judges.
Okay, but I'm asking you to try.
I'm trying.
I'm try... Santa!
If your magical ears
can hear me,
it's not working, so now what?
What?
What about Santa?
Nothing!
Did you ask that nice dentist
to the party?
Mom, I told you
I don't want to go with him.
He sent me a lock of his hair.
It's gross.
- Romantic.
- Seriously?
Baby, he's handsome.
He likes you.
He's successful.
You really don't care
what I want, do you?
I don't want
to see you to end up alone.
Now, why would I end up alone?
Because I'm not perfect?
Because I'm not you?
Is it how I act or how I look?
No, I don't know.
Oh, you don't want
to talk about it,
but I'm just supposed to settle
for someone I don't like
because girls that act
like me and look like me
are supposed to settle?
No, not necessarily.
Jesus, Mom, you...
Baby, I love you.
I love you.
Just, the world is...
Mom, I know how the world is,
but you could be on my side.
I am on your side!
You think you're on my side
when you won't even
hang up an ornament?
This is exactly
why I don't talk to you.
It is... there's no point.
By the way, you probably
wouldn't be alone all the time
if you didn't expect everybody
and everything around you
to be perfect all the time!
Whatever it is
that you think is perfect.
Oh, young lady,
you watch your tone!
You watch your... ooh!
Have yourself
A merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
This might go...
Okay, that means ace, so...
From now on
Our troubles
will be out...
Hey, gang, welcome to the annual
Bullseyes for Blitzen contest.
The first team
to hit ten bullseyes
gets Blitzened on the house.
- Oh, my God, it's the snowman.
- What?
The bartender's
last name is Snowmyn.
Oh, he is cute.
You like him?
You should go chat him up.
Maybe, um, nibble his carrots
if you know what I mean.
I don't.
Can you explain it in detail?
- You know, like his...
- Bullseye Candy?
Bullseye Candy?
Yeah.
Bullseye Candy.
That's us.
Yo, we got this.
Boom!
Both: Bullseye Candy
Bullseye Candy
Bullseye Candy,
get out of the way
Excuse us!
Excuse us!
Move out of the way.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, well.
We'll get 'em next year.
I'm sorry,
that was embarrassing.
I'm a little rusty.
Yeah, that was weird.
Normally, you're like
a total bullseye bitch.
- I am?
- Yeah!
Cool.
I think I'm gonna go for it
with your, uh, cinnamon friend.
If you don't mind.
No, no, no, no.
I definitely don't mind.
Um, full disclosure,
he might not be into you.
But you know.
Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool.
Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna make my move then.
- You're not scared?
- No!
I mean, I've made a fool
of myself like a million times.
I mean, you know.
You've always
been really ballsy.
I've always envied
that about you.
Thank you very much.
I mean, I'd rather just know.
You know?
You got to go after
what you want.
Be bold.
Like, uh...
Look, it's crazy snowman girl.
Oh.
You remember that.
Mmhmm.
Hi.
I'm sorry about that.
I thought you were someone else,
but I was wrong.
So who are you?
I'm Wyatt Snowmyn.
Age 31, Scorpio,
Leo moon rising, obviously.
Originally of Glen Ridge,
New Jersey.
Go Panthers.
Currently residing in Manhattan.
Part owner of a few bars,
including this little gem
in the old hometown.
Okay, so I stopped listening
after you said Scorpio
because I know
that Scorpios are kinky.
- Oh, yeah?
- And uh...
Sting.
I'm kidding.
I'm... it's nice
to meet you, Wyatt.
I'm Emily.
I don't think
I gave you my name.
No, you were definitely
too busy yelling at me.
- Oh, you didn't like that?
- Oh, well, eh.
Hmm.
Because you're welcome.
Scorpios love that.
Yeah, I can take a little abuse.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what?
Here.
Emily, for you and your friend.
Boom.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- For free?
- Yes.
- Okay.
No charge.
Your tip is that you get
to watch me walk away.
Oof!
This is better than 20%.
Whew!
Check this out.
Mm, thank you.
Okay, so I'll get a glass
of this Sancerre to start.
Very good.
Will anyone be joining you?
Nope!
Just a little me time.
You know, I don't
get a lot of me time.
So this is extremely exciting.
Oh, very good.
Yeah.
You been working here long?
- Two years.
- Two years!
Oh, very nice.
So...
I'll bring you that Sancerre.
But... oh, okay.
- Sancerre.
- Yes.
- It's my favorite.
- Good taste.
You too.
It might sound crazy,
but be my guest.
You know what?
I was hoping that you would
say something like that.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah!
Entertaining nonetheless.
Oh, my God, that is disgusting.
It's getting mintier, I swear.
So creamy.
Let's get another one.
Okay, I'm in charge of the...
I'll get the...
Yes you are!
He totally likes you.
- No!
- Yes!
No, no, he doesn't.
He's, uh... no.
He's been comping
your drinks all night.
It's like,
why would he be into me?
Why wouldn't he be into you?
Well, because he
looks like he's from,
like, a J.Crew, like, ar... oh.
Oh, my God, Chet Charles?
- What are you...
- What are you doing?
I really can't stay
Baby, it's cold outside
I gotta get away 'cause,
baby, it's cold outside
All right, it's done, so...
Your mom told me that you
wanted me to be your date
for the Christmas Eve party.
Okay, but I didn't actually...
And I have never
been more honored
by anything in my entire life.
So I obviously accept.
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm not... I didn't...
I got you something.
This is a misunder...
This is a Christmas adventure,
and I wrote a...
It's a San... uh, mm.
Okay, okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Probably not.
Don't show up
because I don't... oh.
Oh, no, is that chair fruitcake?
Oh, my God.
You sneaky little hussy!
Are you
and Chet Charles a thing?
No, we are not...
No, no, no, no, no.
We're not a thing, me and Chet.
No, no, we're not.
Stop, stop,
stop scissoring yourself.
Actually, um, I think
that my mom is more interested
like, actually interested
in him for me,
but I'm definitely
not interested in him.
That's not the guy for me
or anything like that.
Okay, Em, you're, like,
really yelling this
out loud right now.
I just wanted to make sure
everybody gets the point
about my personal feeling.
That's funny.
That's funny.
Look, look.
Lorraine,
can I be honest with you?
Yes, if you let me wear the hat.
Oh, okay!
Here you go.
Ooh!
Oh!
I like.
I like!
Looks nice on you.
You like it?
Okay, but don't take
this the wrong way,
but you're not really
a good listener.
Mm-hmm.
But what if I know better
for the people than they do?
What if I know
what's better for them?
Look, put your hands out.
Come here.
- I put my hands out?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like this.
Oh, okay.
Hold mine, okay.
Repeat after me.
Sometimes,
my opinions are wrong.
Mm.
Sometimes,
my opinions are wrong.
And sometimes, I hurt people
and myself when I judge them.
Sometimes, I hurt people
and myself when I judge them.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, and I need
to be a better listener,
and I need to be more
supportive of my daughter.
You got a daughter?
No, that one was for you.
- Oh.
- See what I'm saying?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I see you.
Did you get
what I was saying, though?
You understood?
I'm... my daughter...
Whew!
She's just like her father.
- Okay.
- You know what I'm saying?
Right.
That's all I got
to say about it.
And I was...
I need to be more supportive
and listen.
Mm-hmm.
- I can do that.
- You can do that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay!
All right.
Yes, I can.
Cool!
You enjoying that Sancerre?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
It's good, ain't it?
It's that bubbly.
It is good!
Do you remember when we were...
We had to do the Christmas show?
Mm-hmm.
And you, like,
dumped me as a friend,
and then you started saying
really mean things about me
to like, the whole school.
Do you remember that?
I didn't... no, no!
I don't remember... but wait.
Yo, where are those shots?
No, yeah, why would you... okay.
So I do remember, though.
Yeah.
And it was like a nightmare
for me, honestly.
And it just was
really weird for me,
because you went from,
like, being my best friend
in the whole world to, like,
then being my bully.
And it really... it, like,
messed me up, honestly, then,
and I kind of feel like
it still messes me up now.
Yeah, dude,
but what are you talking about?
We were kids.
It's like a bajillion years ago.
Come on!
Come on, we're past that.
- Yeah?
- We're good.
Like, I'm already
really embarrassed,
and I feel like
the queen of idiots...
It's a celebration
Oh, oh, oh!
It's jam time!
Get your ears out
because we about to party!
So, baby, don't you
stop dancing with me
Holiday, holiday,
holiday, holiday, holiday
Holiday, holiday,
holiday, holiday
Holiday, holiday, holiday
So, baby, don't you stop
Let me hear you say,
I'm ready for the holiday
Call the family up,
tell 'em we're on our way
Trying to party
'cause we're going crazy
Um...
God, you told me
so much about you,
but you did not tell me how
great you were at miming.
Oh, it is one
of my finest skills, milady.
Well, that's very clear.
Oh, you might know
the answer to this.
Like, okay.
What is the mime for,
"I want to kiss you"?
Wow, uh.
Okay, well, I uh...
I think it's just,
lean in
and purse your lips,
and you close your eyes.
Good to know.
Thank you.
Thanks for telling me.
That's, uh, maybe I'll...
I'm gonna... I should get her
home because she's drunk.
- Totally cool, yeah.
- Yeah, hey!
Ginger, get...
What?
All right, stop dancing!
Well, KLDA Nation,
I choked again.
I have no idea what I'm
writing to Santa tomorrow,
and I'm gonna be stuck here
in a world
made entirely of fruitcake.
"I think this one looks nice
here after all."
Aw, Mom.
That's so nice.
Good morning.
Is it?
But I am glad you're up.
Thank you.
I was really glad to get
your note last night.
That ornament is super cute.
You know, I have been
thinking about that.
It should go in the back
because it does not fit
my vision.
Okay.
Well, it's no use.
How can I be helpful?
Well, I have to spray paint
the banister gold,
then I have to go
and set up a meeting
with that incompetent bartender
about what
our signature cocktail...
Oh, I'll settle that.
Is going to be, and... Emily?
Way to grab the reindeer
by the antlers.
I might have a shot at this.
Six hours to midnight?
Okay, people.
The judges will be here
at 7:00 sharp,
and I want everyone
to be whistling Christmas
out of their buttholes
when they get here.
Excuse my French.
Uh, who is this woman?
That's the competition.
You can let her in the house,
you can serve her
cocktails and canaps,
but do not let her
touch my trees.
If she comes within
a 3-foot radius of my trees...
Then you have my permission
to use force.
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
Uh, look.
You need to talk to your mama.
You are running out of time.
Does she look like someone
who's capable
of being talked to?
She's not gonna change, okay?
She's who she is.
I have a few questions
about Wyatt, though.
Uh, look.
She might be more ready
to change than you think.
Mm, absolutely not.
Impossible.
Here's my question, though.
Okay.
Like, let's say I do
write this letter to Santa
tomorrow, right?
Okay, so like, then what
happens back in the real world?
Like, does my mom become normal?
Do I stand up to Ginger?
Does, like...
Will I be able to find Wyatt?
Like, what exactly is the black
magic we're working with here?
Okay, okay, look, look.
You found him before,
you can find him again.
And Ginger might surprise you.
And your mom, for that matter.
All right, you're just saying
that to save your own ass.
No, no, no.
I'm saying it because I care
about you, all right?
And I'm pretty sure
that lady's hair
was not made out of fruitcake.
- Oh, damn, it's spreading.
- Yeah.
Look, I got to go
finish getting ready.
Lorraine is gonna blow a gasket
if I'm not "picture-perfect by
the time the judges get here."
I just don't think any
of this makes any sense to do.
It's not worth it.
Damn it!
Thought I was getting
through to these people.
Oh, humans!
Enough.
Joy to the world,
the Lord is come
Let Earth receive her King
Let every heart
prepare Him room
Sure.
Let heaven
and nature sing
- Linda!
- Lorraine.
You remember my successful,
high SAT scoring daughter,
Emily?
Of course.
Nice to see you, Emily.
I love your dress.
Thank you so much!
It's actually my favorite.
Oh.
Unfortunately,
my daughter couldn't make it.
She's on duty again
in the Congo.
Doctors Without Borders.
Such noble work.
Yes, she's a doctor.
Thank the Lord.
My daughter is dating a dentist.
Wow.
Mom, I'm actually not gonna
do this with you tonight.
Linda, good luck tonight.
My baby has jokes.
Oh, oh!
Oh, you must be
so proud of your mom.
What a perfect family.
We're announcing
the winner tomorrow,
and I'm sure you'll be pleased.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a good day.
Honey, why don't you take
a picture with Santa?
All right.
What are you asking
Santa for, little missy?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just take... can you take...
Okay, baby.
Here we go.
Thank you, darling.
It's so perfect.
Okay, all right,
all right, all right.
Why you touch my girl like that?
I didn't touch her.
I just leaned a little bit,
and you took a picture.
I took a... I took a picture.
Get your ass in there,
go to work.
What's the matter with you?
Took a picture.
If you touch another
woman here today,
I'ma kick your ass.
Emily.
Try to leave some canaps
for the guests.
It's not like you have much room
to breathe in that dress.
Heaven forbid
you listen to me once.
Did you even try the red one?
I'm so sorry, I have...
- Ugh!
- Thank you!
Hello, my love.
Oh, you must be kidding me.
Oh, I would never joke about
something as pure and natural
as my devotion for you.
I brought you this.
May I feed it to you
like the goddess you are?
Don't worry about it
because you're about to go!
I said goodbye!
I said... what if I... good day!
Thank you.
Thanks for this.
That's sweet.
Portrait time!
Portrait time!
Come on.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah.
Something is not right.
It's the dress isn't it?
Baby, why don't you
just go up and change?
Do I just disgust you,
or is there anything
you actually like about me?
No, no nogtinis!
Lower your voice.
Everyone's watching.
No, Lorraine!
You need to answer me.
You're my daughter.
I love you.
But do you like me?
My dress is too tight.
I make too many jokes.
I eat too many canaps.
What do you actually
like about me?
Now is not the time
or the place, young lady.
I have actually just wasted
so much time
letting everyone
walk all over me.
My friends, my mom,
the radio station.
But enough!
Have you ever once
thought about what
it was like for me to be
your daughter, Mrs. Perfect?
What it's like for me to exist
while everyone around me
makes me feel like I don't
even deserve to love myself
because of the ass-backwards way
that this world judges women?
And every comment you make
just brings me right back
to being that shy
and insecure little girl
from freshman year.
She's always with me,
always telling me
to be small and quiet,
and telling me not to be honest
about how I'm feeling.
And I am exhausted!
That's why I don't
come back here!
I have only been
making suggestions.
Baby, it's time to listen.
Mom, you have spent a lifetime
suggesting everything
that was wrong with me,
validating every single bully
I have ever had,
and all I wanted you to do
was just look at me one time
and suggest
what was right about me!
Why didn't you say anything?
Because as much as I
want to be close to you
and tell you all of this stuff,
you are not
the easiest person to talk to.
Oh, well, I wouldn't say that.
Look, I learned
this week that talking
about your feelings is actually
really, really important,
and so is standing up
for yourself
and asking for what you want.
That's my girl.
So there will be no more
of me doubting myself
and no more of me
not asking for what I want.
That is not who I am anymore.
Yes, partner!
Preach!
Oh, bitch,
I know you not talking.
Ginger, you were my bully.
Do you get that?
And no, we are not over it.
I'm not over anything.
And the messed up part
is I actually like you,
and we're friends now,
but being friends
means being honest.
And you honestly need
to acknowledge
what you did to me.
And you need to apologize.
Maybe then we can be good.
No, no.
Let me tell you something.
We are not in love.
Go on somewhere and find
your happiness outside of me!
And you!
Wyatt!
How dare you!
Why would you show up
in this insane Santa reality?
Huh?
And the thing is, I like you.
So do me a favor, okay?
This isn't gonna make any sense,
but in a few days
when a really cute,
a little bit plump with a booty,
self-assured girl
comes up to you
and shoots her shot,
just say yes.
Huh?
Just say yes.
Because I
can flip my tongue over,
and only one in 10,000 people
can do that.
You're gonna miss out on that.
And I know that I sound angry,
but I am not mad at you!
And this tree!
Move!
How dare you!
You stole my mom!
Okay, get it out.
Get it out.
Yeah.
No, not my tree!
Not Goldy!
Not Goldy!
No, no, no!
Oh, that's not right.
Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it!
Ahh!
No.
Oh, I'm so happy
Feel good, feel good?
Peace out, kings and queens!
It's a celebration
Oh, yeah, they definitely win
for Best Entertainment.
Oh!
- Oh, don't you say it.
- Say what?
That you were right
about everything.
Okay, as much
as I like being right,
this is not bringing
me Christmas joy.
You still got some time.
You think so?
- Yeah, go talk to her.
- Talk to her.
Emily, oh!
Are we gonna?
No, I'm gonna... yeah.
Make it right.
Okay!
Come on, DJ!
DJ!
All right!
Y'all better come on.
Come on, uh, uh!
Come on.
Michael.
Michael.
Come on, you get in there.
Let me see what you got.
Hey, hey!
Oh, my God.
KLDA listeners, it's me, Emily,
and I'm finally
a boss-ass bitch.
I've said everything
I needed to say.
You're right.
And I'm so glad that you had
a chance to say everything
you needed to say because I
have a few things to say too
if that's okay with you.
Go ahead.
You were right.
I tried to control everything,
to make everything perfect,
and that makes me
a terrible listener,
a terrible mother.
But let me say this,
you have to know
that I like you.
You're funny.
You're smart.
Oh, you're so funny sometimes,
the jokes you make
I don't even understand.
But that's not your fault.
That's my fault.
Because I'm not funny.
You know, I thought
that if I could just
make everything perfect,
make myself perfect,
just push harder, you guys would
be proud of me.
Because I could
take care of you.
But you're already perfect
because you're you.
And I should have been
telling you that all the time.
I just wonder now,
is it too late?
No.
Of course it's not too late.
It's Christmas,
for Christ's sakes.
It's never too late.
Okay, okay.
Geez.
Right,
that's a tough act to follow.
But you're right, Em.
You're... you are
so totally beyond right.
I know I bullied you.
God, I was so mean.
It's really hard for me
to think about sometimes,
but I've been talking
about it in therapy, so...
I was an insecure piece of crap,
and I took it out on you,
and you didn't deserve that.
You're so beautiful.
I'm so sorry if I
ever made you doubt that.
You're my best bitch, bitch!
Oh, my God, come here.
Get it, girl.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Enjoying the party?
Oh, yeah,
I'm having a good time.
Someone assaulted a tree.
I know.
I saw that.
She's crazy.
Yeah.
She's unhinged.
I wouldn't let
that person go to a forest
because then that... you're
in the tree's territory, so...
- She gon' get jumped.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I just...
I just want to say
I loved how you stood up
to everyone in there, and I...
I think you're incredible.
And I'm not really sure
what you meant when you asked
about this mystery person
who might ask me a question,
but I will definitely say yes.
And if I'm being honest,
it kind of sounds like
an invitation to an orgy,
which I've never done.
Not to say I'm not,
you know, I can't be a freak.
I'm a freak.
I get freaky.
Not like freaky, ugh.
Like freaky, hmm.
But rated on a scale?
A moderate six.
You know.
I could work with that.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, good, because whenever
you meet an Emily, you know,
you kind of want
to hang on to them.
So you know,
I might push it to a seven.
We'll get you to eight.
Ooh!
Oh.
Emily, you want
to go back into the party
and have a good time?
Yes.
Um, yeah.
Yep.
But I'm gonna be in
in a little bit.
I have to go...
I actually have
to go do something.
- I got a job to do.
- Yeah, totally, totally.
I'll meet you in there, though.
- All right.
- We'll get you at a nine.
Okay.
It really is a lovely tree.
You okay?
I think I will be.
You know, we've had
an opening at the rummy table
if that doesn't sound too awful.
Oh, I'd love that!
Oh, if you don't mind
messy pajamas
and too many Sancerres.
Oh, I love Sancerres,
and the messier the better.
I am just exhausted
with all this perfection stuff.
Could you help me with this?
Sure, hold these.
Okay, I got it.
There you go.
Oh, I think it's right.
It's perfect.
What, what, what, what, what.
Oh.
You ready to do this?
Yes, did you leave the rest
of B2K at the party?
You know,
Omarion didn't show up.
- Didn't he?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, here you go.
- You already know.
- Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Dear Santa, wow, what a ride,
you mischievous SOB, you.
Anyway, what I really wanted
to say was, thank you.
I found my voice.
Ironic for someone
who wants to be a DJ.
Thing is,
it was in me the whole time.
I just let the world
tell me it wasn't.
PS, Wolf did a stellar job.
Thanks for reminding me
that I'm a queen.
B-T-dubs, if you want to keep
that dance circle thing,
I'm cool with that.
Here goes everything.
There's one more thing
we need to do.
Okay.
Ready?
Let's do it together.
One, two, three.
It's a celebration
Out of my way.
Get ready
for the holidays
Yeah it's a celebration
It's what we make it
Yeah!
I am a boss-ass bitch!
Boss-ass bitch!
All: Boss-ass bitch!
Boss-ass bitch!
Whoo!
Emily, breakfast!
Oh, damn, it didn't work.
Emily.
Oh, no, the Tooth Fairy!
Am I gonna turn into fruitcake?
Oh, my God, that is
a terrible way to die.
Why would I write that?
Emily, it worked!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah!
I mean, I like to think
that I could take a little bit
of the credit, but you did it.
Oh, wow, okay.
Yeah, like... look,
your job, the apartment,
your cat, it's all back,
and no one's the wiser.
Yeah, and now you just know
how to ask for what you need.
And maybe, just maybe, you hate
Christmas just a little less.
Aww.
But, uh, yeah.
This is me saying goodbye.
I just, uh...
I just don't know how.
I'm really, really
gonna miss you too.
Hey, if you ever want
to write Santa, just...
Oh, absolutely not.
I am completely done
writing to Santa.
But I'm gonna go in,
and I'm gonna ask
for my show today.
And I want you
to come on as a guest
because you are really, really
incredible at giving advice.
You know what?
You weren't a pain
in my ass after all.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
We were warm and wonderful
once upon a time
Whoa.
It smells and looks delicious
down here, but I can't stay.
I gotta run to work.
Right, your show.
Yeah.
But I'm gonna come right back
and celebrate with you after.
Really?
But you always work
on Christmas.
I know,
but sometimes, things change.
Yeah.
Wait, where'd you get that hat?
From a very special friend
who wants me
to remember him by it
and all the things
that have happened this week.
When you come home this evening,
can we talk more?
Well, actually, can you
talk more and I listen more?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would love that.
I would really love that.
Aw, merry Christmas, sweetie.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
This is Ken Spicer saying,
it's been a blast.
Just make it
to Christmas?
Make it to Christmas
Hey, you got a second?
Can it wait?
I'm trying
to catch a plane to Cabo,
if you know what I mean.
Actually, it can't.
Also, if that's
a sexual innuendo,
you keep that to yourself.
Um...
So I...
So I know that you
gave your show to Janice,
and congratulations to her,
but you still own the station,
and you and I both know that
there is one more slot left
for an hour-long show,
and I'm asking you
for that show.
Being your producer
has been really great,
but I'm better than that.
The meter spikes
every time I chime in
on your show because I'm...
I'm funny and I'm smart.
And we'll call it "Ask Emily."
What do you say?
Nice to have you
in the game, Emily.
Glad you finally showed up.
Here I am.
So I can take that as a yes?
Yes.
All right!
Hold on a little longer
Don't have me
spending it alone
This time of year
is precious
Just, please,
can we make it to Christmas?
Can we make it
to Christmas?
- Hi.
- Hi.
You know, my last name
is actually Snowmyn?
No kidding.
I swear to God,
Wyatt Snowmyn, at your service.
What a coincidence.
- And you, uh...
- Oh.
- Your name?
- Emily Harris.
I'm a Sagittarius.
I just turned 31.
I'm a big fan of miming
and Christmas themed
craft cocktails
with terrible names.
Well then, you're going to...
Ah, heart?
A little drink I call
the Santa Clausmopolitan.
Do you want to go out with me?
I don't know why,
but I have a strong feeling
I should say yes.
Mm, I don't know why either,
but you should
follow that maybe.
Yes.
Absolutely yes.
Well, I bet you were anxious
to get back to kids' gifts.
Actually, I wanted to talk
to you about something.
You might think
I'm pulling your chain,
but I think I want
to continue doing
this whole helping people job.
And why is that?
Well, you were right, okay?
I was selfish,
and I was really dismissing
the virtue of kindness.
I really like helping people.
Ah!
Oh, Wolfie!
Yes you do!
Wolfie, I knew it.
I knew it!
I didn't know it.
I was hoping, though.
Yeah, whoo!
Whoo!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Wolfie.
The Tooth Fairy.
Oh.
Uh, let's dance!
Yeah, can-can, hey!
Reindeer, reindeer.
Do the reindeer.
Do the reindeer.
We on the reindeer,
we ride the reindeer.
Uh-huh, that's just
the way you make me feel
That's just the way
you make me feel
That's just
the way you make me feel
Know what love is,
always don't stop it
You got me right here
in your jean pocket
Laying your body
on the shag carpet
Ooh, you know what love is
Always don't stop it
It's like I'm powerful
with a little bit of tender
An emotional,
a sexual blender
Mess me up, yeah
KLDA Nation,
did you get everything
you asked for this year?
I know I did.
And great news,
tonight and every night,
I'm gonna be coming at you
with my own show, "Ask Emily."
We'll spend
an entire hour together
talking and listening.
You can tell me your worries,
tell me your wishes,
and you can ask
for what you want.
And I'm gonna ask you
to bear with me
because I'm about to get real
vulnerable up in this piece.
So let's start it off right
with our first caller.
Hi, you're on the air
with Emily.
What's your name,
and what's your problem?
Linda, and I have
a game night emergency.
But also,
I'm so proud of you, honey.
Hi, Mom.
What's your question?
Everybody's in a hurry
Ah, Christmas.
Shopping till
they're droppin' in the snow
The most magical time
of the year.
Kids are cryin',
dogs are barkin'
A truly wondrous time,
a time when
all our wishes come true
in fairy-tale land.
But this isn't a fairy tale,
and Christmas
is a horseshit holiday
that makes us all feel like crap
and reminds us of what's wrong
in our lives.
That's why I'm here.
Welcome back, KLDA listeners.
I'm Emily Harris and you're
listening to "Ask Emily."
Oh, it looks like we have time
for one more sad Christmas
caller who needs my help.
Hi, you're on the line
with Emily.
What's your name,
and what's your problem?
Uh, hi.
My name is Greg and I have
sort of an awkward question.
Awkward.
Mm, that's my specialty.
Lay it on me.
My girlfriend's parents
have been calling me Craig
for two years, but it's Greg.
Do I correct them?
- Yes, you correct them!
Also, real quick,
if the holidays isn't the time
to get a little
passive-aggressive,
then I don't know when is.
Greg, here's what
you're gonna do.
You're going to go out
and get yourself
a custom Christmas sweater
with your actual name,
Greg, front and center.
Oh, my God, that's genius.
Can I write,
"No one likes your fruitcake"
on the back?
Fruitcake?
You talking about fraudcake?
Yeah, you write that too,
on the back in lights...
Out of my chair, Harris.
- Uh... one, test, test.
- Who's this?
Uh, that's the new intern,
and we're just
testing the audio.
It sounds great.
Yeah, whatever.
Listen.
Queue up that new music
I sent you this morning.
It totally sings.
Yeah, you got it.
You're on in two.
It's a celebration
What's up, what's up,
what's up, New York City?
You're listening to KLDA 93.3,
your choice for music, news,
celeb gossip, and me,
Ken "Spicy Ay-yi-yi" Spicer!
Now we're going to go
straight to the phone lines
for your favorite Christmas
tradition, "Dear Santa."
I mean, it's my last week.
Okay?
I can do what I want.
Ugh, only four more days
of this song.
Well, there'll be
no avoiding tonight,
because tonight's the big night.
Yeah.
Em, you know
Ken is deciding tonight
on who's taking over his slot,
okay?
You got to strap
on your boss pants
and pitch him "Ask Emily"
tonight at the Christmas party.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
He's never gonna know that you
want to be a DJ
unless you tell him.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay.
So what's your plan?
Oh, I was hoping you would ask.
So my plan is to keep
all my wishes to myself,
so I'm never embarrassed
or disappointed.
See you tonight, coward.
And don't forget
to wear your sparkly dress.
I would never forget
to wear my sparkly dress.
No.
You gave the kid
a LEGO Tokyo Skyline.
Uh, yeah.
He asked for a scooter!
Okay, I did that kid a favor,
all right?
And if he had any taste,
he would know that.
Do you know
how many complaint letters
we've gotten about you?
You know how the big man
feels about being selfish.
He is not happy,
so here's what we're gonna do.
We are assigning you
to the Lost Souls Department.
No! Lost Souls?
Nah, nah, nah, I'm not good
with talking with people.
Mm, you don't say.
No, I don't like
people like that, okay?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- I can't... I can't do it.
So here's what you're gonna do.
You are going to work with,
listen to,
and actually help
your assigned human,
and learn not to be so selfish.
Or you are getting reassigned
to work for...
The Tooth Fairy.
I want to be beautiful
Want to be beautiful
Okay, okay!
I want to be
so much more
Not bad, Harris.
Boris!
You think all the boys
at the Christmas party
is gonna like my outfit?
Well, KLDA listeners,
looks like we're gonna need
a little liquid courage
to do anything cool tonight!
A little more eggnog
for your girl.
Wow.
Completely out.
It's not even worth
drinking that.
Okay, fine.
Adult booze it is.
You're grown anyway, girl.
Get you a little.
Mm, mm, mm.
Ugh!
There it goes.
There it is.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay.
Cool Emily.
Cool Emily is coming
to the party.
Okay, okay.
You look him right in the eye
with all of your confidence
and you say... you say, um...
Ken, baby.
Listen up, okay?
I want to take over for you
with my groundbreaking
advice show, "Ask Emily."
The ratings
are gonna spike so high,
you'll think
you're on cocaine again,
but in a good way.
Come on, baby, Ken!
You and I both know
I'm too good to be producing
somebody else's show.
What do you say?
The wink is what's
gonna sell it.
It's the... you're
gonna get your show.
You're gonna get your show,
and Christmas is not
gonna suck for once.
Let's go!
Ugh, Mom.
Why is she always calling me?
It's finally happened!
We're finalists
for the annual Glen Ridge
Christmas Tree
Decorating Contest!
Linda's gonna eat my dust!
I just need you
to come for the party.
Oh, absolutely not.
That's never gonna happen.
Definitely working all day.
I won't take no for an answer.
See you tomorrow.
No, you won't!
And don't bring
that hideous silver thing
that makes you look
like a burrito.
Yeah,
I want to be beautiful
Can't wait to put her in a home.
I want to be beautiful
- Merry Christmas
- Yeah
- Merry Christmas
- Oh, oh, oh
Merry Christmas
Hey!
I thought we were both
wearing our sparkly dresses.
I had a dry cleaning emergency.
But, a little sparkle.
There.
Now we look exactly alike.
- Exactly.
- We're like Tia and Tamera.
Ladies!
Nice to see you.
Shouldn't I be
wearing that crown?
Why is that, Janice?
Because you're the queen
of kissing Ken's ass?
It's obvious Ken's gonna
name me his replacement.
Okay, we all know how
you got your job, Janice.
You give your knee pads
a rest tonight?
Oh, good one.
You should know by now that
I get everything I want, okay?
Cute dress, though.
I like the zipper.
It's cute.
Ugh.
No, I know, I know, I know.
I'm gonna ask Ken.
I will.
I'm gonna ask him, but, like...
Look, for now let's just
concentrate on getting
really drunk, really fast.
Yes, oh, yes.
Right here.
- Focus on that.
- Hi.
Hey, hi.
- Ah!
- And to boobs.
Both: Ugh!
It's in the throat,
you know what I mean?
Just like, mm.
OMG.
It's the hot IT guy.
He's standing there
at the buffet.
Alone.
Hey!
Not for long.
Hold this.
Hey.
Emily!
Fun party.
Thank you, you look...
Oh, you didn't say...
- What?
- Nice sweater.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
I... uh-oh, mistletoe.
Hmm.
You know, maybe we should...
Uh, do you... you don't
have a cat, right?
Because cats are allergic
to mistletoe, so...
Stay alert, stay alive.
Bye!
Bye.
Come on, Emily, spit it out.
Just say it.
You say something?
Ken, I was, um...
It's just that I know that...
Ken, what I want you to...
I've had to pee all night,
you know?
Good to know.
- Hey, what happened?
- I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
I just... like,
how do people do this?
Like, I know I'm supposed
to ask Ken for the on air job,
and I choked.
And I know I'm supposed
to try to make out
with the hottie
under the mistletoe,
and I choked at that too.
And it just feels like
all of my words get stuck
in my throat, and I can't...
Like, what do you do...
How do you do...
How does anyone do any of this?
I just feel like every single
thing I do is so wrong.
Hey, um, can I have
a nogtini, please?
Sorry.
That guy got the last of them.
Love nogtinis.
Gosh.
Cheers.
That butt-kissing Janice
got my nogtini?
She ain't getting my job.
Not at all.
I'm gonna go in, and I'm gonna...
I'm gonna demand it, and I'm...
I'm... here I go.
Emily, you're
still standing here.
My feet.
All right, let's do this.
Okay everyone, hey, come on.
Gather round, gather round.
Listen up.
So I was gonna do this
after the holiday,
but hell, it's Christmas.
Anyway, we figured out
who's gonna replace me.
It's gonna be Janice.
As you can imagine,
the choice was clear.
So get ready
for "The Dish with Janice"!
There you go!
Let's dance.
Here we go.
- Boo!
- Boo.
I already hate your show.
You're the only one not dancing.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
Santa, mind your business, okay?
Also, you have never brought me
anything I've ever asked for.
Well, why don't you put it
in a letter then, drunky?
Oh, you gonna go with him.
Real supportive.
Hey, can you, um...
Can you give me something
to make me forget tonight?
Try that.
Thank you, but keep them coming.
- You got it.
- Mm, mm.
Yeah.
- Pure elf's blood.
- Oh, mm.
Nah, you acting shy.
One and two, and, and...
And do the step.
Look at the babies.
Hi!
Merry Christmas!
What are you doing?
You guys writing your letters?
About your hopes,
and your dreams,
and your Christmas wishes, and...
Ooh, Santa's gonna
deliver my Christmas wishes.
Lies, children!
Ma'am, please.
Lies!
They need to know.
Santa doesn't
grant you anything.
He didn't grant me my job,
and I want to... look at her!
She got my job.
How'd they get that up so quick?
And I didn't even get
to make out with the IT guy!
When's the last time
you make out with somebody, hm?
You can't be here without kids.
Oh!
All of a sudden,
I ain't got a kid.
I can't have a baby?
I have a child, and his name...
It's Timothy.
- You're drunk.
- You're drunk!
And his name is Thomas,
and he would
really appreciate...
So I'm gonna go ahead
and I'm gonna get...
Excuse me?
Sis, I will not.
That way!
Ma'am, no, ma'am!
Excuse me!
Rude.
Okay, you got your letter.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
For Timmy!
For Timmy!
Okay, Santa.
Let's see how magical
this mofo really is.
Dear
ugly asshole.
JK, JK.
Dear Santa Claus,
I know it's been a while
since we spoke
because I don't believe in you
because I'm an adult.
However, um,
you still be granting wishes?
'Cause here are mine.
All right,
come on, it's for kids.
Let's go, let's go.
Santa needs to grant me wishes!
Ma'am, no.
Ma'am, no!
It's for Timmy!
Hey, boss.
I got a good one for you.
Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, nogtinis, yes.
Oh!
This is a toughie.
Her Christmas spirit
is in the basement.
I think I know
just the right elf
for this assignment.
This is the guy.
Boris, I did it.
I did it.
Okay.
All right.
Goodnight, Boris.
Maybe this Christmas
won't be so bad after all.
Get off of me.
Second best?
Hm, Oprah?
You are enough?
Emily, breakfast!
Get a move on.
We have a lot to talk about.
Is that my mom?
Wish number one, I want to be
actually close to my mom.
Hark,
the herald angels...
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hey, handsome.
Peace on Earth
and mercy mild
God and sinners
reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Mom?
Dad?
Why am I here?
Oh!
Good afternoon.
I see someone overslept again.
Um...
How fast can you eat?
Because we have
a million things to do.
And what are you wearing?
Oh, ugh!
You're gonna go up
and change, right?
Okay, I'm sorry, when did...
In an hour, I told you!
The annual tree
decorating contest?
Big parties?
In three days?
We have to go and get
the fireplace garland!
Oh, oh!
Honestly, Emily!
Okay, I just meant,
when did I get here?
I didn't... did I
drive here last night?
Oh, I am going to jail.
I don't understand
your sense of humor.
Here, here.
Drink your nogtini, okay?
Wish number two, I want
all the nogtinis ever.
Go up, change into
something flattering, please!
And then let's scoot!
Oh, all right.
I don't know
what's happening here,
but I need to get back
to my show... oh, my God,
do I still have that job?
Show?
What is she talking about?
I have no idea.
The Rockettes or something?
Rockettes?
Oh, God, finally.
You know, he is so late.
He is 12 minutes late!
The liquor for the party!
Okay, what is happening here?
Hi, ma'am.
Where would you like these?
- You're late.
- I'm sorry about that.
We're a little backed up.
Christmas parties and all that.
Fine, over there.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I don't live here.
Cool, I don't either.
Yep, here we go.
Ah!
Careful!
Those are my snowmen!
All right.
They're heirlooms!
Thank you for your business,
and sorry again for the delay.
Merry Christmas.
Okay.
Men!
Never trust a man
with a winning smile.
Your daddy ain't got one.
Zoom, zoom.
Don't you start.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I'm not dealing with this.
Look, I'm sorry,
I'm not going to look
at any fireplace garland
or anything.
I'm just gonna...
Merry Christmas, y'all.
- Emily.
- See you.
What?
She... oh!
How could she?
Hark, the herald sing
That's what I thought.
What's up?
No, because you've
been following me.
What's up?
What you want?
I'm trying to sort out
how much of a pain in my ass
you're gonna be.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm an elf.
Wolf.
You're a wolf?
You're an elf?
What is this?
What are you talking about?
No, no... oh.
I'm an elf.
My name is Wolf.
Cool, Wolf elf.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to mind my business
back to the city by myself.
I suggest you stay here.
Okay, but look.
Your apartment's not gonna
be there when you get there.
You're still drunk.
I'm still drunk.
I get what's happening here.
But still, your apartment's
not gon' be there, okay?
Because this isn't your life.
I mean, technically it is.
But... this part is
always hard to explain.
Okay, look, you know that
letter you wrote to Santa?
All your wishes are coming true.
Okay.
You're a crazy person.
That's clear.
There's a... hello?
Help?
Damn it, nobody here no more?
Elf guy talking to me.
You know what, go ahead.
See for yourself, all right?
But don't be surprised
by all the magical crap.
Go on.
Okay.
I want some help
for you, brother.
Let me get in here.
Don't... you stay there.
Okay.
Okay.
"Woman crushed to death
in freak reindeer
leaping accident."
Wish number three, I wish Janice
would take a flying leap.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Can I have this for free?
She's my best friend.
Thank you.
No.
Okay.
That's it.
That's it.
Oh, come on.
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
Come on!
Yo!
You got the wrong
apartment, lady.
Is this 5C?
- Yeah.
- And you live here?
Yeah.
Can I help you?
Cool, cool, no.
Don't panic.
Hey, um, is there a cat in here?
His name is Boris,
and he's insightful and fluffy.
- I'm vegan.
- Oh, but we don't eat him.
He's for loving.
Boris? Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
What is happening?
This can't be real.
It's not real.
Is it? Is it?
Wait, am I crazy?
Oh, God, did I kill someone?
Oh, no, do I have to spend
Christmas with my mom?
Did you say kill?
You wanna tell me what
the hell is going on here?
It's what I was
trying to tell you, okay?
You remember wandering
up in here last night?
Dear Santa Claus.
Job stealing bitch!
Lies, children!
There's nothing
in this but lies!
Ma'am.
I'm... I'm going, sir!
Yes.
Okay?
Well, your wish came true, okay?
You got your wish.
Santa is into lessons this year.
I know.
It's super annoying.
You know how you want to be
close to your mom, right?
Okay.
Okay, well, now y'all
are close physically.
- That's not what I meant!
- I know.
Santa is a literal
son of a bitch.
Actually, is this your boy here?
Tell your boy to take it back.
I'm out.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Listen, listen, listen, okay?
It's not that easy, all right?
You got until 12:00 midnight
Christmas Eve.
And you got to prove
to Santa that you've changed,
that you've learned your lesson,
that you got
your Christmas spirit back.
And you're gonna
have to write him
an amended letter about
your true Christmas wish.
Then you'll get
your old life back,
and no one will remember
any of this except you.
No.
Fight me.
What if I don't do it?
- No?
- Yeah, no.
Okay, well, if you don't do it,
then you're gonna be in this
alternate universe forever.
And your last wish
is gonna come true forever.
My last wish.
Oh, God.
I don't even want to know.
What is it?
Oh, okay, okay.
Let's see what it is.
You wished that the entire world
would turn into fruitcake.
I would never ask for that.
Not once.
You right.
Yeah, okay.
You didn't ask for that exactly.
This is what you said.
You said, "Oh, I'm so hungry.
"Oh, I could eat anything.
Oh, you know what?
"Deliver me all the fruitcake
in the world
since you such
a magical mofo."
- Damn.
- That's what you said.
That sounds just like me.
And I guess
I'm here to help you.
I just... good God, I truly
am the queen of bad decisions.
It's a celebration
What is happening?
Okay, well,
apparently you wished
to be the queen
of a dance circle,
and you just said
the secret word.
What... no, no, no, no.
You can go.
How do I get them to go?
You can go.
They're not gonna stop, okay?
You gon' have to dance, okay?
Or this gonna go on forever.
Look at her.
That's gonna happen.
That right there
with the ribbon.
There.
Go on, dance.
Let me hear you say,
I'm ready for the holiday
That's what you chose?
You chose that?
Okay, okay.
I can't do this.
Mm.
Mm-hmm, how do I
still have that?
Well, KLDA Nation,
looks like
we officially have a Christmas
of all I didn't want.
Mm.
Ah.
Emily, breakfast!
Okay.
Ice sculptures, which you
and your dad can pick up.
Okay.
And also, of course,
our hair appointments.
And we have to find you
a date for the party.
No, I really don't think we do.
Listen, it's only two days.
Don't be nervous.
I know that we can do this.
Which brings us to Goldie,
Silversmith, and Platinum.
I'll handle her alone.
Oh, she is going
to win that cover for us.
It's her year.
I know she can do it.
If we find her the right tools,
she can do anything she wants.
Right, the tree can
do whatever she wants.
Me, not so much.
Hey, how do I look?
Like you are
avoiding helping me.
Oh, oh, oh, Em.
There was
this sort of love letter
waiting for you at the door.
Okay.
Well, ladies, have fun.
Fellas are waiting.
I got to go.
I love you, baby.
Get out of here!
He's always running off.
Oh!
It's from Chet Charles.
No frigging way.
- Chet Charles.
- Oh.
Okay.
"Please go out with me.
"Until then,
here's a lock of my hair
"to keep my essence near.
Love you forever."
Oh, my God.
This is so gross.
Wish number five,
I want the hottest guy
I can think of
to be completely crazed-balls
obsessed with me.
High school god Chet Charles.
Oh, Chet Charles.
He's a sweetheart.
Didn't you have a big crush
on him in high school?
Mom, that was
like a million years ago.
But it looks like
he's a serial killer now.
No, no.
You should know he's a dentist.
I mean, he has
his posters all over town.
I am just so surprised
that he sent this to you.
Now you can cross off
finding a date as one
of the tasks on your list.
You know something?
You have been moving
like molasses.
You act like you want
to be late for work.
- Work?
- Work!
Come on, let's get out of here.
I didn't realize
I had a job here.
Well, you do.
Come on, hurry up.
Oh!
The ice angels
are back in stock again.
Now, remember to pick up the
frozen pigs in a blanket, okay?
After you get off of work.
And brush your hair.
Ah!
Look, your boyfriend,
Chet the dentist!
Oh, I gotta go.
I gotta get those angels.
Oh, come on, they're over there.
That's not my man.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Okay, well,
this is where you work.
Boss Ass Bitchmas?
Wish number six,
I want to be a boss ass bitch!
- Mm-hmm.
- Ornament?
I... oh, no!
- Huh, what?
- Hide me!
Okay, look.
I don't really do hugs,
you know.
This feel weird, so...
No, no, no, no, no.
You see that girl over there
with the blonde hair
and the angry eyes?
Ginger George.
She used to be my best friend,
up until freshman year,
when she decided to ruin my life
at the Glen Ridge Christmas Fair
in front of everybody.
What happened?
I actually can't
go there right now.
I can't.
It's... I can't.
In a nutshell,
she bullied me straight through
high school graduation.
It was awful.
I mean,
I went from having friends
to all of a sudden
being a social pariah.
Like, you should
have heard the things
that the kids said about me.
And to my face!
Oh, no, no, no.
Ahh!
BFF!
Wish number seven, I want a BFF.
You crazy biznatch!
Why were you doing
that little hidey-hidey thing?
And um... oh, my God, who is this?
Is it your boyfriend?
No, this is my elf.
Okay.
Why you being so weird,
you weirdo?
Oh, my God.
So I finished the
Bitches Love Santa ornaments,
and I designed
this super cute new one.
"Don't be silent
tonight, bae."
It's even cuter
when other people say it.
So are you ready to get to work?
No, I need a minute.
Okay, BRB then because
I'm going to grab coffee,
unless maybe I could
grab something else?
Okay.
Excuse me, what was that?
Yeah, I figured
this would happen.
It's my elfmones.
Yeah, elf pheromones
are like catnip to humans.
Sad.
Huh?
Can I get you something, Daddy?
No, no!
Focus.
Okay, what I'm getting here
is that I work here
with my bully, who is my BFF?
I'm gonna leave
in a huff so huffy.
- Okay.
- Get ready for it.
I'm writing Santa now!
Dear Santa,
my true wish is to go back
to my real life.
- That's not gonna work.
- There, yeah.
No, oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Santa, you got me.
You will not beat me!
I think the real problem was
that I wasn't specific enough,
and I totally under...
I apologize.
Dear Santa, sorry
I wasn't specific enough.
I would like
to live at 5C again.
- No, it's...
- Chill, I got this.
- Okay, okay.
- 5C.
Pass the tofu nuggets, roomie.
Tofu?
- Hey, welcome back!
- I got it.
I figured it out.
You smell like tofurkey.
I know, I know.
I just need
to be real specific with him,
or I need to... I got it.
Dear Santa, I want everyone
at my job to see the real me.
Real you... no!
- I have to beat Santa's ass.
- Santa is literal!
- I will beat...
- Santa is literal!
Can Santa whoop my ass?
Why are you naked,
you crazy bitch?
- Lookin' good, Emily!
- Is this casual Friday?
Okay.
Dear Santa,
you think this is a game?
Huh, Santa?
Okay.
- Erase everything...
- No, don't write that!
And start... shh!
- Don't write it.
- Huh? Huh?
- Don't do that.
- Huh! Huh!
Erase everything
and start over, ha!
Ooh!
You don't wanna say start over.
No, we gon' start...
Over
Wolf?
Wolf?
Oh, my God, fruitcake feet.
Oh, no, no, no!
Lost Souls Department,
Emergency Services.
Uh, yeah, man,
I'ma need a reset.
She reached Snowpocalypse.
Yikes, Tooth Fairy.
Sure you wanna reset now?
I mean, how bad
can the Tooth Fairy be?
You seen her teeth, man?
Ugh.
Ah! Ah, help me!
Wolf!
Yo, hey.
Are you done?
Ah!
I'm done.
Okay.
Well, now what,
oh, magical elfin guide?
Okay, well, maybe neither
is your best life, okay?
Not the old one
and not the new one.
Are you trying
to say something helpful?
Be careful.
Okay, okay, look.
I'm sorry you got stuck
with a shitty guide.
- I did.
- All right.
This is not my area
of expertise.
But maybe it's time
we lean into this whole thing.
Okay?
For the both of us.
Because I know you don't care.
I don't.
But if this doesn't
work out for you,
I'ma have to work
for the Tooth Fairy.
Okay, cool.
So now the Tooth Fairy is real.
Look, assuming
that I believe you,
that doesn't even
sound that bad.
Not that bad?
Okay.
All right.
You know what?
Look at this.
Oh, we need to figure
this out together.
One sec.
Not you dressed
like you in Silk Sonic.
How you do that?
I'm a magical elf, bitch!
All right, well,
now I look like garbage,
so I'm finna go change.
Do not look
at my yearbooks, okay?
Hmm, what's a yearbook?
The disrespect.
Okay, you were not kidding
about those pheromones, huh?
Yeah.
That's why we don't do karaoke.
It's too risky.
Yeah, say less.
That'd be too dangerous for you.
Hey!
It's the gal
from the party house
with the punctual mom.
It's the late delivery guy
with the booze.
Yeah.
Wyatt Snowmyn.
Wyatt Snowman?
No, close, "myn."
- Are you serious right now?
- Snowmyn.
Oh, I understand
what's happening.
This is... it's very clear.
You're a snowman
who's temporarily been
turned into a human being.
This is really hilarious.
This is very clever.
This is why he was so cute
and smiley the other day.
You think...
You thought I was cute?
Actually, I'm sorry.
I don't have time for questions.
We're actually in the middle
of something right now, so...
Can I just learn whatever
the lesson is tomorrow?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Babe!
I'm very busy.
Please just go find your magic
hat or whatever, you know.
I'll catch up with you
tomorrow, all right?
- Okay, I'm...
- Get!
- Get?
- Snowmyn.
Y'all ain't on a schedule?
He's not one of ours.
Oh, sh... hey, Snowmyn!
Sh...
Maybe he melted.
Shut up!
Okay, a little corn dog truck.
Mm-hmm, that's how
we do it in the 'burbs!
Where do you hang out?
Oh, reindeer stalls.
All right, so let's lean in!
Okay, let's start here.
So, uh, lover boy.
Tell me about him.
Oh, come on.
That's so embarrassing.
Chet Charles was like
the high school heartthrob.
If I knew that this was real,
I would have chosen
someone else.
Let's go a little
bit deeper, okay?
Let's start at the beginning.
Let's see.
Tell me about this.
Yeah, that's me and Mom in front
of her three
precious Christmas trees.
She was always more proud
of them than she was of me.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you ready
to tell me about Ginger?
Okay.
Ginger and I were best friends.
We were inseparable, honestly.
And when I started getting
a little chubby,
I also got really insecure
because kids are assholes.
And Ginger always had my back,
you know,
until the Christmas she decided
to make my body a thing.
I hate her already.
Continue.
So we were rehearsing
for the Christmas talent show
for weeks,
and we were just
about to go on stage, and...
Hey, Ginger!
Are you ready?
I'm pretty nervous.
So they don't think
you should perform with us.
What?
But why?
Isn't it obvious, Gummy Tummy?
Rude.
I hate Christmas.
Then she just dropped me.
And you really
never danced again?
No, not at school,
or really anywhere else.
Yeah, when
your best friend dumps you
real publicly like that,
you sort of learn
that life is a little better
out of the limelight.
Man, that makes me mad.
I just want to punch Dasher
right in his face.
And I like Dasher.
He's my guy.
Thank you so much
for your emotional outburst.
Also, you know, I uh...
Even though I still don't know
how to get out of this mess,
I actually do feel a lot better
unloading all of that.
So thank you.
Look at you being
surprisingly helpful.
Hey, I'm pretty wise.
Great, I need that.
So what do I do now?
Ooh, fudge if I know.
Why are we opening these books?
You really think Linda's
trying to sabotage you?
Well, I don't know anymore.
But I did see her peeping
through our window last night.
And if you don't call
that sabotage,
then I don't know.
Um, I think you should
just talk to her.
You like all the same stuff.
Decorating, holidays,
glitter, dressing nice,
holidays, looking pretty.
- You think she's pretty?
- Oh, heavens no.
I think
you're pretty, baby
Sure look good to me
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Well, she never invites me
to her ladies' nights, you know?
Of course I wouldn't go,
but I mean,
I think it still would
be nice to be asked, you know?
I'm fun.
Right, Stan?
Of course you are.
You are very... yeah.
Sure you are, baby.
I think there's one spot
over by your right armpit
that is empty still.
No, no, your right armpit.
The right.
Baby, this is my right armpit.
No more nogtinis for you.
Okay.
I just don't think we have
the right feature piece.
We need a unique
conversation piece,
you know, a showstopper.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe I can find one
after the hair salon.
Hey, you ready?
Oh, hey, baby.
You ready to go?
Okay, chop chop.
Let's do it.
So, Sally.
Thank you for squeezing us in
for this trial run.
So tell me,
how high can you get our hair?
All the way up, baby.
Oh, you gave me a chill.
You know, my daughter, Emily,
she's gonna be bringing
a dentist to the party.
- No.
- Oh, a dentist?
- Yes!
- No, no, no, no, I'm not.
I'm not gonna bring
the dentist to the party.
Actually, that drinks
delivery guy was really cute,
don't you think?
Uh...
Mom, are you listening to me?
So how is Linda
wearing her hair to the party?
I'm not sure yet.
She's gonna tell me
at rummy tonight.
Oh.
So you still playing rummy
with that basic bitch?
Just a few of us.
I don't even like rummy,
honestly, hm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, we look like
giant Christmas gnomes.
Did you... I mean,
you really like it this way?
The holiday look in Paris.
We must do it.
Mom, are you gonna be okay
if you don't win this thing?
I just love this look.
Huh?
You say something?
I said you're gorgeous,
and I'm so glad I look like you.
No, you look like your dad.
Yeah, well, now the hair's
coming all the way down, baby.
Much better.
Dear KLDA listeners,
Emily Harris here,
reporting live from
the nightmare before Christmas.
Do I have what it takes
to find my Christmas spirit
while working for my bully
and also wearing
the world's worst hairstyle?
Stay tuned!
Let me just do that.
Was that always a fruitcake?
No, it used to be a bush.
Ginger, I'm reporting
for work or whatever.
Ugh, a note.
Okay.
Hey, bitch!
Sorry, had to close today.
Sexmergency.
Blame your spicy little friend
and his spicy cologne.
Oh, girl, I'm pretty sure
elves are asexual.
I'm not
with your friend, B-T-dubs.
Not yet.
- Gross, come on, girl.
Anyways, uh, take the day off.
It's Xmas Eve Eve.
See you at darts tonight, bitch.
Christmas Eve Eve already?
God!
"I wanna roast your chestnuts
this Christmas."
I hate that that's so funny,
but it is.
Ooh.
Hey, handsome.
Talk about a showstopper.
And no guy in the world
like mine
No way, I miss
the nights by the fire
Hi.
Just gonna...
Aw.
And the city
keep on moving
Last minute lovers
like the movie
Gonna feel like Christmas,
baby
He's got the mouth.
You playing rummy tonight too?
No problem.
Oh, I have plenty that I can do.
Listen, I'll just see you
tomorrow at the party, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
I can't stand her.
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, Emily.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I want you to help me
apply that gold leaf
to the nutcracker dolls.
Yeah, I got you.
But actually, I wanted
to show you something.
So I went down to the shop,
and I got you a bunch of,
you know, really cute
but traditional ornaments.
But I think we both know
that what you really need
is a showstopper.
Mmhmm.
So I found something that
your girl Platinum over here
would really appreciate.
And I want to warn you,
it can be seen as a little edgy,
but edgy is in right now.
Trust me, so...
Bam!
Isn't he cute?
He's a little merman!
Yeah.
I was thinking
that he would go great
right in that middle space,
right in the center of the tree.
Why don't you put all of these
on the tree
in your daddy's office?
Right, of course,
the tree no one's gonna see.
Mom, do you think maybe
you want to try the ornament?
It's really, really important.
Baby, it's a bit edgy
for the judges.
Okay, but I'm asking you to try.
I'm trying.
I'm try... Santa!
If your magical ears
can hear me,
it's not working, so now what?
What?
What about Santa?
Nothing!
Did you ask that nice dentist
to the party?
Mom, I told you
I don't want to go with him.
He sent me a lock of his hair.
It's gross.
- Romantic.
- Seriously?
Baby, he's handsome.
He likes you.
He's successful.
You really don't care
what I want, do you?
I don't want
to see you to end up alone.
Now, why would I end up alone?
Because I'm not perfect?
Because I'm not you?
Is it how I act or how I look?
No, I don't know.
Oh, you don't want
to talk about it,
but I'm just supposed to settle
for someone I don't like
because girls that act
like me and look like me
are supposed to settle?
No, not necessarily.
Jesus, Mom, you...
Baby, I love you.
I love you.
Just, the world is...
Mom, I know how the world is,
but you could be on my side.
I am on your side!
You think you're on my side
when you won't even
hang up an ornament?
This is exactly
why I don't talk to you.
It is... there's no point.
By the way, you probably
wouldn't be alone all the time
if you didn't expect everybody
and everything around you
to be perfect all the time!
Whatever it is
that you think is perfect.
Oh, young lady,
you watch your tone!
You watch your... ooh!
Have yourself
A merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
This might go...
Okay, that means ace, so...
From now on
Our troubles
will be out...
Hey, gang, welcome to the annual
Bullseyes for Blitzen contest.
The first team
to hit ten bullseyes
gets Blitzened on the house.
- Oh, my God, it's the snowman.
- What?
The bartender's
last name is Snowmyn.
Oh, he is cute.
You like him?
You should go chat him up.
Maybe, um, nibble his carrots
if you know what I mean.
I don't.
Can you explain it in detail?
- You know, like his...
- Bullseye Candy?
Bullseye Candy?
Yeah.
Bullseye Candy.
That's us.
Yo, we got this.
Boom!
Both: Bullseye Candy
Bullseye Candy
Bullseye Candy,
get out of the way
Excuse us!
Excuse us!
Move out of the way.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, well.
We'll get 'em next year.
I'm sorry,
that was embarrassing.
I'm a little rusty.
Yeah, that was weird.
Normally, you're like
a total bullseye bitch.
- I am?
- Yeah!
Cool.
I think I'm gonna go for it
with your, uh, cinnamon friend.
If you don't mind.
No, no, no, no.
I definitely don't mind.
Um, full disclosure,
he might not be into you.
But you know.
Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool.
Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna make my move then.
- You're not scared?
- No!
I mean, I've made a fool
of myself like a million times.
I mean, you know.
You've always
been really ballsy.
I've always envied
that about you.
Thank you very much.
I mean, I'd rather just know.
You know?
You got to go after
what you want.
Be bold.
Like, uh...
Look, it's crazy snowman girl.
Oh.
You remember that.
Mmhmm.
Hi.
I'm sorry about that.
I thought you were someone else,
but I was wrong.
So who are you?
I'm Wyatt Snowmyn.
Age 31, Scorpio,
Leo moon rising, obviously.
Originally of Glen Ridge,
New Jersey.
Go Panthers.
Currently residing in Manhattan.
Part owner of a few bars,
including this little gem
in the old hometown.
Okay, so I stopped listening
after you said Scorpio
because I know
that Scorpios are kinky.
- Oh, yeah?
- And uh...
Sting.
I'm kidding.
I'm... it's nice
to meet you, Wyatt.
I'm Emily.
I don't think
I gave you my name.
No, you were definitely
too busy yelling at me.
- Oh, you didn't like that?
- Oh, well, eh.
Hmm.
Because you're welcome.
Scorpios love that.
Yeah, I can take a little abuse.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what?
Here.
Emily, for you and your friend.
Boom.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- For free?
- Yes.
- Okay.
No charge.
Your tip is that you get
to watch me walk away.
Oof!
This is better than 20%.
Whew!
Check this out.
Mm, thank you.
Okay, so I'll get a glass
of this Sancerre to start.
Very good.
Will anyone be joining you?
Nope!
Just a little me time.
You know, I don't
get a lot of me time.
So this is extremely exciting.
Oh, very good.
Yeah.
You been working here long?
- Two years.
- Two years!
Oh, very nice.
So...
I'll bring you that Sancerre.
But... oh, okay.
- Sancerre.
- Yes.
- It's my favorite.
- Good taste.
You too.
It might sound crazy,
but be my guest.
You know what?
I was hoping that you would
say something like that.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah!
Entertaining nonetheless.
Oh, my God, that is disgusting.
It's getting mintier, I swear.
So creamy.
Let's get another one.
Okay, I'm in charge of the...
I'll get the...
Yes you are!
He totally likes you.
- No!
- Yes!
No, no, he doesn't.
He's, uh... no.
He's been comping
your drinks all night.
It's like,
why would he be into me?
Why wouldn't he be into you?
Well, because he
looks like he's from,
like, a J.Crew, like, ar... oh.
Oh, my God, Chet Charles?
- What are you...
- What are you doing?
I really can't stay
Baby, it's cold outside
I gotta get away 'cause,
baby, it's cold outside
All right, it's done, so...
Your mom told me that you
wanted me to be your date
for the Christmas Eve party.
Okay, but I didn't actually...
And I have never
been more honored
by anything in my entire life.
So I obviously accept.
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm not... I didn't...
I got you something.
This is a misunder...
This is a Christmas adventure,
and I wrote a...
It's a San... uh, mm.
Okay, okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Probably not.
Don't show up
because I don't... oh.
Oh, no, is that chair fruitcake?
Oh, my God.
You sneaky little hussy!
Are you
and Chet Charles a thing?
No, we are not...
No, no, no, no, no.
We're not a thing, me and Chet.
No, no, we're not.
Stop, stop,
stop scissoring yourself.
Actually, um, I think
that my mom is more interested
like, actually interested
in him for me,
but I'm definitely
not interested in him.
That's not the guy for me
or anything like that.
Okay, Em, you're, like,
really yelling this
out loud right now.
I just wanted to make sure
everybody gets the point
about my personal feeling.
That's funny.
That's funny.
Look, look.
Lorraine,
can I be honest with you?
Yes, if you let me wear the hat.
Oh, okay!
Here you go.
Ooh!
Oh!
I like.
I like!
Looks nice on you.
You like it?
Okay, but don't take
this the wrong way,
but you're not really
a good listener.
Mm-hmm.
But what if I know better
for the people than they do?
What if I know
what's better for them?
Look, put your hands out.
Come here.
- I put my hands out?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like this.
Oh, okay.
Hold mine, okay.
Repeat after me.
Sometimes,
my opinions are wrong.
Mm.
Sometimes,
my opinions are wrong.
And sometimes, I hurt people
and myself when I judge them.
Sometimes, I hurt people
and myself when I judge them.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, and I need
to be a better listener,
and I need to be more
supportive of my daughter.
You got a daughter?
No, that one was for you.
- Oh.
- See what I'm saying?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I see you.
Did you get
what I was saying, though?
You understood?
I'm... my daughter...
Whew!
She's just like her father.
- Okay.
- You know what I'm saying?
Right.
That's all I got
to say about it.
And I was...
I need to be more supportive
and listen.
Mm-hmm.
- I can do that.
- You can do that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay!
All right.
Yes, I can.
Cool!
You enjoying that Sancerre?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
It's good, ain't it?
It's that bubbly.
It is good!
Do you remember when we were...
We had to do the Christmas show?
Mm-hmm.
And you, like,
dumped me as a friend,
and then you started saying
really mean things about me
to like, the whole school.
Do you remember that?
I didn't... no, no!
I don't remember... but wait.
Yo, where are those shots?
No, yeah, why would you... okay.
So I do remember, though.
Yeah.
And it was like a nightmare
for me, honestly.
And it just was
really weird for me,
because you went from,
like, being my best friend
in the whole world to, like,
then being my bully.
And it really... it, like,
messed me up, honestly, then,
and I kind of feel like
it still messes me up now.
Yeah, dude,
but what are you talking about?
We were kids.
It's like a bajillion years ago.
Come on!
Come on, we're past that.
- Yeah?
- We're good.
Like, I'm already
really embarrassed,
and I feel like
the queen of idiots...
It's a celebration
Oh, oh, oh!
It's jam time!
Get your ears out
because we about to party!
So, baby, don't you
stop dancing with me
Holiday, holiday,
holiday, holiday, holiday
Holiday, holiday,
holiday, holiday
Holiday, holiday, holiday
So, baby, don't you stop
Let me hear you say,
I'm ready for the holiday
Call the family up,
tell 'em we're on our way
Trying to party
'cause we're going crazy
Um...
God, you told me
so much about you,
but you did not tell me how
great you were at miming.
Oh, it is one
of my finest skills, milady.
Well, that's very clear.
Oh, you might know
the answer to this.
Like, okay.
What is the mime for,
"I want to kiss you"?
Wow, uh.
Okay, well, I uh...
I think it's just,
lean in
and purse your lips,
and you close your eyes.
Good to know.
Thank you.
Thanks for telling me.
That's, uh, maybe I'll...
I'm gonna... I should get her
home because she's drunk.
- Totally cool, yeah.
- Yeah, hey!
Ginger, get...
What?
All right, stop dancing!
Well, KLDA Nation,
I choked again.
I have no idea what I'm
writing to Santa tomorrow,
and I'm gonna be stuck here
in a world
made entirely of fruitcake.
"I think this one looks nice
here after all."
Aw, Mom.
That's so nice.
Good morning.
Is it?
But I am glad you're up.
Thank you.
I was really glad to get
your note last night.
That ornament is super cute.
You know, I have been
thinking about that.
It should go in the back
because it does not fit
my vision.
Okay.
Well, it's no use.
How can I be helpful?
Well, I have to spray paint
the banister gold,
then I have to go
and set up a meeting
with that incompetent bartender
about what
our signature cocktail...
Oh, I'll settle that.
Is going to be, and... Emily?
Way to grab the reindeer
by the antlers.
I might have a shot at this.
Six hours to midnight?
Okay, people.
The judges will be here
at 7:00 sharp,
and I want everyone
to be whistling Christmas
out of their buttholes
when they get here.
Excuse my French.
Uh, who is this woman?
That's the competition.
You can let her in the house,
you can serve her
cocktails and canaps,
but do not let her
touch my trees.
If she comes within
a 3-foot radius of my trees...
Then you have my permission
to use force.
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
Uh, look.
You need to talk to your mama.
You are running out of time.
Does she look like someone
who's capable
of being talked to?
She's not gonna change, okay?
She's who she is.
I have a few questions
about Wyatt, though.
Uh, look.
She might be more ready
to change than you think.
Mm, absolutely not.
Impossible.
Here's my question, though.
Okay.
Like, let's say I do
write this letter to Santa
tomorrow, right?
Okay, so like, then what
happens back in the real world?
Like, does my mom become normal?
Do I stand up to Ginger?
Does, like...
Will I be able to find Wyatt?
Like, what exactly is the black
magic we're working with here?
Okay, okay, look, look.
You found him before,
you can find him again.
And Ginger might surprise you.
And your mom, for that matter.
All right, you're just saying
that to save your own ass.
No, no, no.
I'm saying it because I care
about you, all right?
And I'm pretty sure
that lady's hair
was not made out of fruitcake.
- Oh, damn, it's spreading.
- Yeah.
Look, I got to go
finish getting ready.
Lorraine is gonna blow a gasket
if I'm not "picture-perfect by
the time the judges get here."
I just don't think any
of this makes any sense to do.
It's not worth it.
Damn it!
Thought I was getting
through to these people.
Oh, humans!
Enough.
Joy to the world,
the Lord is come
Let Earth receive her King
Let every heart
prepare Him room
Sure.
Let heaven
and nature sing
- Linda!
- Lorraine.
You remember my successful,
high SAT scoring daughter,
Emily?
Of course.
Nice to see you, Emily.
I love your dress.
Thank you so much!
It's actually my favorite.
Oh.
Unfortunately,
my daughter couldn't make it.
She's on duty again
in the Congo.
Doctors Without Borders.
Such noble work.
Yes, she's a doctor.
Thank the Lord.
My daughter is dating a dentist.
Wow.
Mom, I'm actually not gonna
do this with you tonight.
Linda, good luck tonight.
My baby has jokes.
Oh, oh!
Oh, you must be
so proud of your mom.
What a perfect family.
We're announcing
the winner tomorrow,
and I'm sure you'll be pleased.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a good day.
Honey, why don't you take
a picture with Santa?
All right.
What are you asking
Santa for, little missy?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just take... can you take...
Okay, baby.
Here we go.
Thank you, darling.
It's so perfect.
Okay, all right,
all right, all right.
Why you touch my girl like that?
I didn't touch her.
I just leaned a little bit,
and you took a picture.
I took a... I took a picture.
Get your ass in there,
go to work.
What's the matter with you?
Took a picture.
If you touch another
woman here today,
I'ma kick your ass.
Emily.
Try to leave some canaps
for the guests.
It's not like you have much room
to breathe in that dress.
Heaven forbid
you listen to me once.
Did you even try the red one?
I'm so sorry, I have...
- Ugh!
- Thank you!
Hello, my love.
Oh, you must be kidding me.
Oh, I would never joke about
something as pure and natural
as my devotion for you.
I brought you this.
May I feed it to you
like the goddess you are?
Don't worry about it
because you're about to go!
I said goodbye!
I said... what if I... good day!
Thank you.
Thanks for this.
That's sweet.
Portrait time!
Portrait time!
Come on.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah.
Something is not right.
It's the dress isn't it?
Baby, why don't you
just go up and change?
Do I just disgust you,
or is there anything
you actually like about me?
No, no nogtinis!
Lower your voice.
Everyone's watching.
No, Lorraine!
You need to answer me.
You're my daughter.
I love you.
But do you like me?
My dress is too tight.
I make too many jokes.
I eat too many canaps.
What do you actually
like about me?
Now is not the time
or the place, young lady.
I have actually just wasted
so much time
letting everyone
walk all over me.
My friends, my mom,
the radio station.
But enough!
Have you ever once
thought about what
it was like for me to be
your daughter, Mrs. Perfect?
What it's like for me to exist
while everyone around me
makes me feel like I don't
even deserve to love myself
because of the ass-backwards way
that this world judges women?
And every comment you make
just brings me right back
to being that shy
and insecure little girl
from freshman year.
She's always with me,
always telling me
to be small and quiet,
and telling me not to be honest
about how I'm feeling.
And I am exhausted!
That's why I don't
come back here!
I have only been
making suggestions.
Baby, it's time to listen.
Mom, you have spent a lifetime
suggesting everything
that was wrong with me,
validating every single bully
I have ever had,
and all I wanted you to do
was just look at me one time
and suggest
what was right about me!
Why didn't you say anything?
Because as much as I
want to be close to you
and tell you all of this stuff,
you are not
the easiest person to talk to.
Oh, well, I wouldn't say that.
Look, I learned
this week that talking
about your feelings is actually
really, really important,
and so is standing up
for yourself
and asking for what you want.
That's my girl.
So there will be no more
of me doubting myself
and no more of me
not asking for what I want.
That is not who I am anymore.
Yes, partner!
Preach!
Oh, bitch,
I know you not talking.
Ginger, you were my bully.
Do you get that?
And no, we are not over it.
I'm not over anything.
And the messed up part
is I actually like you,
and we're friends now,
but being friends
means being honest.
And you honestly need
to acknowledge
what you did to me.
And you need to apologize.
Maybe then we can be good.
No, no.
Let me tell you something.
We are not in love.
Go on somewhere and find
your happiness outside of me!
And you!
Wyatt!
How dare you!
Why would you show up
in this insane Santa reality?
Huh?
And the thing is, I like you.
So do me a favor, okay?
This isn't gonna make any sense,
but in a few days
when a really cute,
a little bit plump with a booty,
self-assured girl
comes up to you
and shoots her shot,
just say yes.
Huh?
Just say yes.
Because I
can flip my tongue over,
and only one in 10,000 people
can do that.
You're gonna miss out on that.
And I know that I sound angry,
but I am not mad at you!
And this tree!
Move!
How dare you!
You stole my mom!
Okay, get it out.
Get it out.
Yeah.
No, not my tree!
Not Goldy!
Not Goldy!
No, no, no!
Oh, that's not right.
Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it!
Ahh!
No.
Oh, I'm so happy
Feel good, feel good?
Peace out, kings and queens!
It's a celebration
Oh, yeah, they definitely win
for Best Entertainment.
Oh!
- Oh, don't you say it.
- Say what?
That you were right
about everything.
Okay, as much
as I like being right,
this is not bringing
me Christmas joy.
You still got some time.
You think so?
- Yeah, go talk to her.
- Talk to her.
Emily, oh!
Are we gonna?
No, I'm gonna... yeah.
Make it right.
Okay!
Come on, DJ!
DJ!
All right!
Y'all better come on.
Come on, uh, uh!
Come on.
Michael.
Michael.
Come on, you get in there.
Let me see what you got.
Hey, hey!
Oh, my God.
KLDA listeners, it's me, Emily,
and I'm finally
a boss-ass bitch.
I've said everything
I needed to say.
You're right.
And I'm so glad that you had
a chance to say everything
you needed to say because I
have a few things to say too
if that's okay with you.
Go ahead.
You were right.
I tried to control everything,
to make everything perfect,
and that makes me
a terrible listener,
a terrible mother.
But let me say this,
you have to know
that I like you.
You're funny.
You're smart.
Oh, you're so funny sometimes,
the jokes you make
I don't even understand.
But that's not your fault.
That's my fault.
Because I'm not funny.
You know, I thought
that if I could just
make everything perfect,
make myself perfect,
just push harder, you guys would
be proud of me.
Because I could
take care of you.
But you're already perfect
because you're you.
And I should have been
telling you that all the time.
I just wonder now,
is it too late?
No.
Of course it's not too late.
It's Christmas,
for Christ's sakes.
It's never too late.
Okay, okay.
Geez.
Right,
that's a tough act to follow.
But you're right, Em.
You're... you are
so totally beyond right.
I know I bullied you.
God, I was so mean.
It's really hard for me
to think about sometimes,
but I've been talking
about it in therapy, so...
I was an insecure piece of crap,
and I took it out on you,
and you didn't deserve that.
You're so beautiful.
I'm so sorry if I
ever made you doubt that.
You're my best bitch, bitch!
Oh, my God, come here.
Get it, girl.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Enjoying the party?
Oh, yeah,
I'm having a good time.
Someone assaulted a tree.
I know.
I saw that.
She's crazy.
Yeah.
She's unhinged.
I wouldn't let
that person go to a forest
because then that... you're
in the tree's territory, so...
- She gon' get jumped.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I just...
I just want to say
I loved how you stood up
to everyone in there, and I...
I think you're incredible.
And I'm not really sure
what you meant when you asked
about this mystery person
who might ask me a question,
but I will definitely say yes.
And if I'm being honest,
it kind of sounds like
an invitation to an orgy,
which I've never done.
Not to say I'm not,
you know, I can't be a freak.
I'm a freak.
I get freaky.
Not like freaky, ugh.
Like freaky, hmm.
But rated on a scale?
A moderate six.
You know.
I could work with that.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, good, because whenever
you meet an Emily, you know,
you kind of want
to hang on to them.
So you know,
I might push it to a seven.
We'll get you to eight.
Ooh!
Oh.
Emily, you want
to go back into the party
and have a good time?
Yes.
Um, yeah.
Yep.
But I'm gonna be in
in a little bit.
I have to go...
I actually have
to go do something.
- I got a job to do.
- Yeah, totally, totally.
I'll meet you in there, though.
- All right.
- We'll get you at a nine.
Okay.
It really is a lovely tree.
You okay?
I think I will be.
You know, we've had
an opening at the rummy table
if that doesn't sound too awful.
Oh, I'd love that!
Oh, if you don't mind
messy pajamas
and too many Sancerres.
Oh, I love Sancerres,
and the messier the better.
I am just exhausted
with all this perfection stuff.
Could you help me with this?
Sure, hold these.
Okay, I got it.
There you go.
Oh, I think it's right.
It's perfect.
What, what, what, what, what.
Oh.
You ready to do this?
Yes, did you leave the rest
of B2K at the party?
You know,
Omarion didn't show up.
- Didn't he?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, here you go.
- You already know.
- Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Dear Santa, wow, what a ride,
you mischievous SOB, you.
Anyway, what I really wanted
to say was, thank you.
I found my voice.
Ironic for someone
who wants to be a DJ.
Thing is,
it was in me the whole time.
I just let the world
tell me it wasn't.
PS, Wolf did a stellar job.
Thanks for reminding me
that I'm a queen.
B-T-dubs, if you want to keep
that dance circle thing,
I'm cool with that.
Here goes everything.
There's one more thing
we need to do.
Okay.
Ready?
Let's do it together.
One, two, three.
It's a celebration
Out of my way.
Get ready
for the holidays
Yeah it's a celebration
It's what we make it
Yeah!
I am a boss-ass bitch!
Boss-ass bitch!
All: Boss-ass bitch!
Boss-ass bitch!
Whoo!
Emily, breakfast!
Oh, damn, it didn't work.
Emily.
Oh, no, the Tooth Fairy!
Am I gonna turn into fruitcake?
Oh, my God, that is
a terrible way to die.
Why would I write that?
Emily, it worked!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah!
I mean, I like to think
that I could take a little bit
of the credit, but you did it.
Oh, wow, okay.
Yeah, like... look,
your job, the apartment,
your cat, it's all back,
and no one's the wiser.
Yeah, and now you just know
how to ask for what you need.
And maybe, just maybe, you hate
Christmas just a little less.
Aww.
But, uh, yeah.
This is me saying goodbye.
I just, uh...
I just don't know how.
I'm really, really
gonna miss you too.
Hey, if you ever want
to write Santa, just...
Oh, absolutely not.
I am completely done
writing to Santa.
But I'm gonna go in,
and I'm gonna ask
for my show today.
And I want you
to come on as a guest
because you are really, really
incredible at giving advice.
You know what?
You weren't a pain
in my ass after all.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
We were warm and wonderful
once upon a time
Whoa.
It smells and looks delicious
down here, but I can't stay.
I gotta run to work.
Right, your show.
Yeah.
But I'm gonna come right back
and celebrate with you after.
Really?
But you always work
on Christmas.
I know,
but sometimes, things change.
Yeah.
Wait, where'd you get that hat?
From a very special friend
who wants me
to remember him by it
and all the things
that have happened this week.
When you come home this evening,
can we talk more?
Well, actually, can you
talk more and I listen more?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would love that.
I would really love that.
Aw, merry Christmas, sweetie.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
This is Ken Spicer saying,
it's been a blast.
Just make it
to Christmas?
Make it to Christmas
Hey, you got a second?
Can it wait?
I'm trying
to catch a plane to Cabo,
if you know what I mean.
Actually, it can't.
Also, if that's
a sexual innuendo,
you keep that to yourself.
Um...
So I...
So I know that you
gave your show to Janice,
and congratulations to her,
but you still own the station,
and you and I both know that
there is one more slot left
for an hour-long show,
and I'm asking you
for that show.
Being your producer
has been really great,
but I'm better than that.
The meter spikes
every time I chime in
on your show because I'm...
I'm funny and I'm smart.
And we'll call it "Ask Emily."
What do you say?
Nice to have you
in the game, Emily.
Glad you finally showed up.
Here I am.
So I can take that as a yes?
Yes.
All right!
Hold on a little longer
Don't have me
spending it alone
This time of year
is precious
Just, please,
can we make it to Christmas?
Can we make it
to Christmas?
- Hi.
- Hi.
You know, my last name
is actually Snowmyn?
No kidding.
I swear to God,
Wyatt Snowmyn, at your service.
What a coincidence.
- And you, uh...
- Oh.
- Your name?
- Emily Harris.
I'm a Sagittarius.
I just turned 31.
I'm a big fan of miming
and Christmas themed
craft cocktails
with terrible names.
Well then, you're going to...
Ah, heart?
A little drink I call
the Santa Clausmopolitan.
Do you want to go out with me?
I don't know why,
but I have a strong feeling
I should say yes.
Mm, I don't know why either,
but you should
follow that maybe.
Yes.
Absolutely yes.
Well, I bet you were anxious
to get back to kids' gifts.
Actually, I wanted to talk
to you about something.
You might think
I'm pulling your chain,
but I think I want
to continue doing
this whole helping people job.
And why is that?
Well, you were right, okay?
I was selfish,
and I was really dismissing
the virtue of kindness.
I really like helping people.
Ah!
Oh, Wolfie!
Yes you do!
Wolfie, I knew it.
I knew it!
I didn't know it.
I was hoping, though.
Yeah, whoo!
Whoo!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Wolfie.
The Tooth Fairy.
Oh.
Uh, let's dance!
Yeah, can-can, hey!
Reindeer, reindeer.
Do the reindeer.
Do the reindeer.
We on the reindeer,
we ride the reindeer.
Uh-huh, that's just
the way you make me feel
That's just the way
you make me feel
That's just
the way you make me feel
Know what love is,
always don't stop it
You got me right here
in your jean pocket
Laying your body
on the shag carpet
Ooh, you know what love is
Always don't stop it
It's like I'm powerful
with a little bit of tender
An emotional,
a sexual blender
Mess me up, yeah
KLDA Nation,
did you get everything
you asked for this year?
I know I did.
And great news,
tonight and every night,
I'm gonna be coming at you
with my own show, "Ask Emily."
We'll spend
an entire hour together
talking and listening.
You can tell me your worries,
tell me your wishes,
and you can ask
for what you want.
And I'm gonna ask you
to bear with me
because I'm about to get real
vulnerable up in this piece.
So let's start it off right
with our first caller.
Hi, you're on the air
with Emily.
What's your name,
and what's your problem?
Linda, and I have
a game night emergency.
But also,
I'm so proud of you, honey.
Hi, Mom.
What's your question?