All the World Is Sleeping (2023) Movie Script
1
Okay.
So these are the rules.
You have to get
from here to there
without touching
the floor or the light.
All right, Bearbear,
you can do this.
Just have to go slow, okay?
You can do it, Bearbear.
You just have to jump.
Okay, ready?
Sometimes I can feel
the sky as it rotates.
It scatters my thoughts,
creating this...
sound.
And it'll grow louder.
More aggressive.
Like two people fighting.
I look up and I know
I can keep my shit together.
And then it rains.
It's gonna stop, baby girl.
If it doesn't,
I'll be the only kid in class
with an indoor swimming pool.
Ooh, quefancy.
You don't need a flood
to stand out.
You've got grease
all over your face.
Oh, yeah.
You, like, totally got it now.
It looks all bad.
It will grow louder.
The lights will turn off.
The roof will cave in.
Everything will fall apart.
And I wonder if you can hear me.
Don't let go.
Don't let go.
Please.
Hold your hand.
No, don't let me.
It's my fault. I did it.
Who's she talking to?
Jesus.
Is he listening?
I don't know, baby girl.
Is she crazy?
I don't know, baby girl.
You're on fire.
You set it on fire!
I'm holding your fucking hand,
fuck you, you fucking
ugly fucker, fucker, fucker...
Hold your hand.
I'm holding your hand.
You got lost, Chama, or what?
Where you going?
Don't be all nosy, Matias.
She has a job interview.
Oh, where at?
You my PO now or something?
Look, it's, like,
a good job opportunity, okay?
Gonna pay real good,
then you won't be
seeing us no more.
Who names their kid Chama?
It's short for Elena.
- No, it isn't.
- It is, if I say it is.
Anybody ever tell you
you got spiders in your veins?
Anyone ever tell you
to put on some shoes?
Come on, baby, get your bag.
That you?
Yeah, that's me.
Hey, good luck out there.
Let me see.
You're gonna lose everything if
you don't close your backpack.
Come on.
Got everything you need?
I'm gonna be right here,
waiting for you after school.
Really?
Yes, really.
Are you gonna
give me shit today, too?
Come on.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Have fun.
I remember being her age.
That's when
I learned how to lie.
I used to tell teachers
I was sick.
That's why I was missing school.
When I did go,
I tried to blend in.
I brushed my hair,
cleaned my nails...
but inside I felt
ants crawling up my skin.
I just wanted to grow up,
so everything would be better.
Give me a chance.
I can do the work.
I can!
I'm sure you can.
Come on, quiz me.
I know this shit.
When I was younger
I used to watch
my abuelo tear cars apart.
He taught me
literally everything.
I got an '85
Buick LeSabre I rebuilt.
Runs perfectly...
if it had a fuel pump.
But I can't get a new fuel pump
if I don't got a job
and if I don't got a job...
Look.
I'm just trying
to get back on my feet, okay?
I have a daughter.
Look, the economy's
kicking my ass.
I'm just not hiring right now.
Abueloused to say that
if you find a black feather...
it's a warning.
We made dinner.
There's some left in the fridge.
She's sleeping, Elena.
She's my daughter.
I know she's sleeping, okay?
Don't look at me like that.
- You're in my home.
- That the state pays for.
I was robbed, okay?
Don't pretend like you care.
Because if you gave two shits,
you'd drive around
and look for them.
Oh, I would drive around
and look for your shoes?
Why would you ever want to
look for the imaginary person
who stole your shoes, Elena?
That's not my name.
Stop talking to me like a child.
You know, Friday's her birthday.
I fucking know
Friday's her birthday.
If you weren't my sister...
So, what?
You'd go? So fucking go!
You are just like Mom.
One of these times...
they're gonna take her away.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Get the fuck out!
You know,
I used to have this dream...
that I got, like, no face...
and I'm just a shadow,
floating over the desert.
And I got, like,
this bag of hammers
and I'm just, like,
chucking them at cows.
What do you think that means?
That you need serious help.
Toaster always
showed up when I needed her.
You can't just, like, open it.
- Why not?
- You broke it.
Last year, Nevaeh loved red.
I think this year,
she likes the color purple.
Like that Oprah movie
about racism?
Balloons.
You never, like,
look up your dreams
and find out what they mean?
I don't dream.
Every bitch dreams.
Come on, you probably
just don't remember it.
Maybe that's what I'll study
when I go back to school.
Why Chama don't dream?
Stupid. Siempre.
No.
No, for serious.
I'm going back.
Toaster is one of those
bitches from the Heights.
She actually knew her father.
He'd buy her things.
She never worried about nothing.
Toaster was all cool.
And I wanted to be her.
She was a dreamer.
I'm going back.
My dad's gonna pay.
It's gonna be
like it used to be, you know?
He's gonna be proud of me.
I don't know,
maybe I'll be just, like...
some counselor, you know?
Like, help
all these bitches out.
I could tell 'em what's up.
Toaster always
showed up when I needed her.
She'd help me fix everything.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
Hey, baby girl, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Hey.
Don't let bullshit push you.
Sometimes I just
want to hide, too.
Just, like, run away.
But everybody's already here,
so you might as well
just take all their presents.
You were born two months early,
you know why?
Because you were
so excited to meet your mama.
And I was to meet you.
There she is.
You're my baby girl,
you're all I got.
You're all I got.
I hope that's not true.
Go on.
Have fun, it's your birthday.
I can keep my shit.
Elena?
Elena, are you in there?
Come on. Open up.
Elena.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
You did all right... good, okay?
Not out here to talk shit.
Hey.
Let's just go out and sing.
Look, you know what?
You don't get to do this.
Not today, this isn't about you.
You think you're so special
and that nobody else matters,
but guess what?
They do.
Somebody help me!
Somebody help!
Now!
I know
what you all are thinking.
Shit gets all fucked.
But that's just the way it goes.
I had this
one bitch try to tell me,
"If you just got a real job,
everything would be all right."
Bitch! I have a felony.
Who's gonna hire me?
Who's gonna teach me?
All I know
is selling dope, hustling.
That's all anyone
was willing to show me.
So, with four little brothers
at home, yeah,
I was gonna hustle
to buy them food and, yeah,
I was gonna smoke to forget
everything I had done.
And yeah.
Shit's gonna get fucked.
I was once a little girl.
Trying to keep my sister safe.
I thought it would all work out.
I used to run toAbuelo's.
He showed me how to fix things.
You showed me how to break them.
You fucking took them, huh?
Let's go.
You drove around
with bottles on the floor.
Your music turned up.
You'd smoke a full pack,
but you still
smelled like roses.
We cried as you pulled
the glass out of our skin.
I am my mother's daughter.
Elena.
Can you tell me
what you were doing?
You're lucky to be alive.
If it hadn't been for
the Narcan you'd be dead...
you probably
wouldn't be here right now.
How much do you normally use?
Was it an accident
or was it intentional?
It's a selfish act,
especially when you're pregnant.
You didn't know?
I was 21.
I'd work on cars, because...
what else am I gonna do?
It was also
the last time I used a needle.
Nobody knew.
I was quiet.
But I always seemed in control.
You're doing it all wrong.
You should be cranking it
the other way, you know?
I'm tightening the tensioner.
Going clockwise,
so the nut can do its job.
That's what's up.
You know, I see you.
You was down
at Chopay's the other day.
Looking all cool and shit.
I see you and I want to
holler at you, mija.
Why?
Because you look like
you need someone to.
So what it is?
Can I help you start it or what?
Santi was all bad.
Smelled like
hairspray and sweat.
Reminded me ofAbuelo.
Know how many times he lost?
Five.
He worshiped boxing
and the boxers
who wouldn't quit.
Know how many times
he's got back up and won?
59, baby!
He just sticks out his tongue
and he knows no matter
where he grow up,
no matter how he grow up,
what he could do,
you know what I mean?
He says,
"Hey, pass me the ball,
pass me the bills.
Albuquerque.
Up to you, champ.
Albuquerque.
I'm still the champ.
Hey, Grandma, Grandpa,
I'm still your champ!"
I'd tattoo him on my body.
And he promised
to never let me get sick.
We'd get a house together.
I'd get pregnant.
Stop using.
I'd worship him,
because he gave me Nevaeh.
She'd be born at home,
just like I was.
He'd play the guitar
for our daughter.
He wasn't very good,
but I didn't know any better.
Then he was gone.
I was alone.
And seven years later...
I need you to nod your head
that you understand
what's going on.
It's in your best interest.
An investigator from CPS
is gonna sit down
- with your daughter.
- No.
You're going to scare her.
She's already scared.
We've got a house full of love,
you don't even know.
Do you have a contact
number for her father?
What do you think he's gonna do?
You just want
to take away my baby.
Our intention
is never to remove a child
from their home.
Unless we feel
the child is in danger.
Do I look dangerous?
The situation at the party...
Was an accident!
It was... it was...
It was an accident.
It's never gonna happen again.
Do you understand
why we're here?
Hey, baby girl. Hey.
It's okay.
Here.
Hey, Bearbear.
I'm sorry.
I messed up.
Everything's gonna
go back to normal.
Will you stop
writing down everything I say?
Come here.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Fuck them, no?
Fuck them for judging us.
You're a good mother.
I just wanna cry.
But nothing's coming out.
They don't know shit.
What's wrong with me, Toaster?
What are you doing, Chama?
You think you got,
like, a choice, really?
A la maquina, dummy.
Not even.
Okay, when we was, like, born...
let's say God, yeah, God.
You know, God was like...
"I'm gonna make
this child super smart.
And then this one?
This one is gonna be
dumb as crackers.
And then this one?
Oh, you know what?
That one is gonna get
a fucking mental illness,
hell yeah, because
that'll be fucking fun, no?
And this one.
This one's gonna have ADHD,
hell yeah!
And this one,
just for shits and giggles,
let's give it leukemia, right?
Because, you know,
life needs more hurdles.
And this one?
Yeah, this one.
This one gets
an addictive personality.
And that one doesn't."
This is us.
We gotta fucking fight
until we win.
We're fucking rebels, no?
And we're gonna
take care of all of it.
Just not today.
I want my baby.
- I want my baby.
- It's okay.
I want my baby.
Shh, can you just,
like, think it
instead of saying it out loud?
I want my baby!
And I would like her
to shut the fuck up!
What the fuck you say?
No, it's okay.
You can, like,
say that one more time.
Just shut her up.
Do you know what the fuck
my friend has been through?
You want her
to shut the fuck up?
Just go back to your seat.
Go back to my seat?
I'll stand here if I want to.
You're drunk.
What'd you say?
You fucking stink, you're drunk.
Fuck!
Get this crazy bitch off me!
Fuck you!
Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fuck you!
Look at this place, mija.
That's what you dreamed of.
We can put my mother's
papal cross right here.
Yeah?
Maybe, like,
a painting right there?
You could put up two.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Oh, and... oh, I have
this doll collection
that my mother found
outside a dumpster in the mall.
- Really?
- It's in perfect condition.
Well, like, perfect condition
for, like, the dumpster,
but I've always
wanted to display it.
Where you gonna put it up?
What do you think?
Are you happy or what?
I wanted a miracle.
And I got one.
I didn't need anything else.
My husband
was at home with my daughter.
I was at the long bar
with my friends.
Boyfriend.
We were all fucked up.
Breaking vows...
and I fell.
Cracked my fucking tailbone.
I put one of those
blue ice packs on it.
It broke.
Dyed my ass blue.
So, I go home
smelling like turpentine...
with a serious fucking injury,
a blue ass...
all the while,
I was just supposed
to be picking up dinner.
Look
who finally decided to show up.
I was out looking
for a present for my dad.
I don't know what to get him.
Maybe another World War Two book
with the card inside
that says, "Happy birthday.
We got nothing in common."
What?
You know your jacket smells?
You ever wash it?
It's not like it touches my ass,
I'm not, like, farting in it...
all the time.
Oh, come on, that was funny.
You know, you really
should laugh more.
Especially here.
Not sure
if I'm supposed to be here.
If you're standing
there, you probably are.
But we don't detox.
I'm clean.
We're full up.
Plus, it's 3:00 PM.
We don't take anyone past noon.
This is the third place
I've tried today.
What's worse
than being invisible?
Being seen as disposable.
I go to the hospital.
Be responsible.
Get checked.
Dose.
I want to rip off my skin.
The way she looks at me.
Does she need to double up?
The nurse.
The fucking nurse.
I'm dirty. Disgusting.
She doesn't see me.
She'll check my chart.
She'll know what I've done.
I told you last time
I wanted to sell you,
you know what I mean?
I just didn't like the way
y'all went out like that.
I know you got something.
Nah, not this time.
Fuck you up. Fucking kill you.
This shit ain't over.
Santi, what did you do?
Keep your fucking mouth shut.
Who's there?
What are you doing, Chama?
Toaster.
You gotta go away.
Go away!
Toaster.
Toaster!
I thought
you wanted me to leave.
No, no.
I'm all alone.
Remember when we first met?
We were working
at some old folks' home
and making food and shit.
Yeah.
We both hated the way
old people were treated.
Like they were a nuisance.
Like they chose
to be old and shit.
You thought I was
like your sister and shit.
You got all mad.
You know what the worst part is?
All of it.
When you're out, Chama.
You start smoking the crumbs.
I've seen you do it.
You're a dummy.
You smoke the crumbs
and then more.
Then you put Selena
on full blast.
But it's not the same
as when you kiss it.
- Put it in.
- No, shut up!
Open up.
No. No!
I've got
something for you, Chama.
No!
I'll do better, I'll do better,
I'll do better, I'll do better,
I promise I'll do better.
You lied. You lied.
No, don't...
Don't move, don't move.
Is it cold?
Is it cold down there?
Please hold on to my hand.
Oh, my God.
Toaster.
Are you fucking with me?
What are you doing, Chama?
Hey.
- Don't you?
- No, sorry.
I only got a couple of bucks.
Come on. Please.
Come on.
Come on. Please.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, please.
I've been talking
to you and not once,
through everything,
have you said anything back.
Are you not there?
Can you not hear me?
Nine months.
Clean.
Look at your arms.
You're a worthless fucking...
junkie.
Why don't
you just kill yourself?
Or you could...
go.
Grab your daughter...
and get out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Police department, don't move!
Police department!
You wanna know the...
two worst words
in the English vocabulary?
What if...
um, what if...
my dad was the president?
Or what if...
um, my mom...
actually wanted me?
What if...
I was born in London,
or...
or Ireland?
Lived on a farm far away?
What if when I ate food
I could keep it down,
like, that wasn't even
a thought, you know?
What if they didn't say...
it was all my fault?
Make up lies about me?
What if he came to get me?
You know where I'm at?
You know, what if
I didn't have to ask what if?
Can't.
Look, I've... I've been calling
over and over and no...
Nobody will tell me nothing!
Where is she?
Don't worry,
No, don't... don't hang up.
I just... I want
to know where she is.
Can't.
Come on!
What the... what the fuck?
We need help!
Who's gonna help us?
Who? Who, who, who?
- I don't know, I just...
- Say it. What?
- Say it! What are you, dumb?
- I feel like...
Who's gonna help us?
- Who's gonna help us?
- I don't know!
I don't know!
- We need help.
- Who's gonna help us?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't... I feel... I feel...
I feel like
I wanna rip my hair out.
I wanna tear my skin off
and walk away from this shit
I feel all the time!
What?
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
You just gonna stumble off?
You gonna stumble right back.
No one gives a shit.
We ain't stupid.
We know there's nothing else.
Where are you going?
Where are you going, Chama?
When Abuelo died, I ran away.
Which brought me
right back to you.
Do you want them
to think you're loca?
Because that's what
they're gonna say, hm?
Look at that crazy,
going around losing it.
It's not fair.
I don't want Abuelo to go.
You think anyone cares
about what you want?
Your sister's not gonna
live with us anymore.
Her father wants her.
Take her back to Texas
and I'm too fucking tired
to keep fighting him.
Just us now.
Don't be mad at what it is
because we're just paying
for something
we did in another life.
Here, drink this.
Not too much.
Just enough
to make you feel better.
I thought
you looked thirsty, mama.
Chart's looking like
you're eight weeks along.
Someone talk to you
about your options?
It's okay, mama, take your time.
Thank you.
You think
you gotta keep it yourself,
but you don't.
I don't know what direction you
gonna go with this pregnancy,
but we can help you
safely transition.
Detox that stuff
out your system.
Or you can continue your way.
You got two options here.
First, you leave,
then there's the second one.
I know I'll see her face again.
The bedpost.
The ceiling.
The mole.
The itch.
Did you hear that?
I know I'll see her face again.
The bedpost. The ceiling.
The mole. The itch.
I know I'll see her face again.
The bedpost.
The ceiling. The mole.
You're looking better.
I know I'll see her face again.
I know I'll see her face again.
You're looking better.
I know I'll see her face again.
You're looking better.
I know I'll see her face again!
First time here?
They think we're all crazy.
Kind of makes me
wanna pop their eye out.
I'm Nell.
Chama.
Like the town.
Chama, New Mexico.
Everything is out to beat us,
but I'm just biding my minutes
'til I get into Guadalupe.
Is this your first time?
Sixth.
See you later.
Bedpost.
Ceiling.
Boredom.
Itch.
Not as sick.
I was
in my Grandma's double-wide
playing with her cat.
Her neighbor
stopped over and asked
if I wanted to try something.
I was like,
"How does it feel?"
He was like, "Don't be a baby.
Just try it."
So I smoked meth
out of a light bulb.
I was like,
"I don't even feel anything."
Then it was days later
and there was no concept
of where time went.
All I know
is Grandma's cat was dead
and I missed my 16th birthday.
I was just thinking
how fucking awesome life is.
I know.
We have clothes and groceries.
Mom's not snorting
dust off the carpet
and we have college funds.
I'm so glad you're not
fuck ups like Tina's kids.
They smell like garbage.
You're also lucky to have
a house with a working heater.
Do people live without a heater?
Oh, yes.
Because usually those people
are fucking strangers for coke.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hello.
Bring back a chicharrn?
Are you even New Mexican?
Born and raised.
You're as New Mexican
as Taco Bell green chili.
There, you see?
You do have jokes.
They're not
necessarily good, but...
Hey, hey, hold up.
Hold up.
You got a place to go?
Yeah, sure.
There's other spots you can try.
Yeah, everyone's really rolling
out the red carpet these days.
Francis, don't.
Come on, Francis.
'Cause I ain't got nothing left!
Please, will you just go inside?
Francis.
People come and go.
If you want it, you want it.
If you don't,
don't take someone else's bed.
There's a box of donated
clothes in the corner.
Looks like you made it.
Look...
I don't know what I'm doing.
Are you on anything?
No, I'm clean.
Plus, I don't even
got any money.
Has that ever
stopped you before?
Whatever.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm sorry.
Why are you here?
Because I need
to get my daughter back.
Because I need to be normal.
You know what that word means?
The usual, the average,
the typical state or condition.
What's normal to you?
I don't know.
Think about it.
Two girls drinking at a party.
One stops when it's empty.
For the other, it never ends.
So you want
to be able to drink...
No!
I don't fucking need this shit.
Look, it don't have to be easy,
but just, like, fair, you know?
Nothing in life is fair.
We'll see.
What do you know about it?
I was diagnosed
with cancer when I was 30.
My parents won't talk to me.
My first boyfriend
ended in assault
and my last one cheated on me.
I would love a drink,
but I haven't had one
in 12 years.
Nothing in life is fair,
nothing is normal.
But there's beauty
if you fight to see it.
You're gay?
That's what
you took away from that?
You know what I did
when I first got sober?
I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
I wrote
a moment on each of those.
The moments that got me down,
the ones that kept me going.
Everything, leading up 'til now.
Sounds like a lot of triggers.
When you're done,
stick 'em on that wall.
What happened
when you were born?
I tried to kill myself.
There you go.
Start from the beginning.
Cord wrapped around my neck.
It was my first struggle.
This world.
School.
I failed.
If I can fix cars
I can fix anything.
My mother's new boyfriend.
My new boyfriend.
He called me beautiful, ugly.
Look at this place, mija.
This is what you dreamed of.
You gave me no fucking choice
and you have to live with it!
You did this, Elena.
Transforming.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Santi. A dealer.
My first kiss.
Curious.
Play the same
song over and over.
I stuck a needle in my veins.
My sister listened to me.
My sister
wouldn't ask if I came home.
Abuelo used to say
that if you find
a black feather...
it's a warning.
Come on, come on,
we don't have much time.
I love you.
I love you, I love you.
Where are you going, Chama?
You broke it!
I am my mother's lost sisters.
The dealer.
Scared.
Always felt like home here.
- The river.
- It's dirty.
Half the time
it doesn't even have water.
You find what it is
you were looking for?
- Don't be like that.
- Like what, Chama?
Like your mother?
What else have you got?
Your Abuelo used to say,
"I don't need a watch...
I got the river."
If you leave...
I don't ever
want to see you again.
I wish I would've put
my arms around you.
One last time.
I wish I would have held you,
felt you,
smelled that lipstick.
I wish I would have been home
when they found you.
I hated you.
I blamed you.
I skipped your funeral
and Mari hated me.
But I pretend
in that last moment...
you saw something beautiful.
I used to be married.
He's famous,
I can't tell you who it was.
Okay.
I was independent though.
Yeah, I loved to work.
I ran five restaurants.
I mean, most people only,
like, oversee one.
Wanna know how many I ran?
- Five?
- Five!
Yeah, they respected me.
You know, like...
I wasn't a bitch
to them or anything
if that's what you're thinking,
but I was the boss.
You should see
the way they looked at me
when I walked into a Chili's.
Nell likes to talk.
A lot.
She says she first
tried heroin at age ten.
Given to her by a neighbor.
She told her father,
who went to her and beat her.
She started cutting
her knuckles in high school,
but her sister found out
and threw away the razors.
All her friends
worked at a local Chili's.
Nell claims she did, too.
She goes on
and on and on about it.
I just want
to scrub a toilet in peace.
Yeah, I don't really
like Chili's.
Oh, you're one of those...
Applebee's motherfuckers?
Anyways I was doing
really well, you know?
My husband was like...
Okay, let's check in.
It's a cloudy day
out there today.
What's that make
everyone think of?
Rain.
Makes me think of my son
playing in the puddles.
Sweaters.
I hate t-shirts and short pants.
How about you, Gata?
Go fuck yourself.
That's what my ma
used to always say.
Clouds remind me of her.
Every time I'd mess up...
like, when she'd
catch me slipping.
"Great...
go fuck yourself, Gata."
First time I came here,
- Nick suggested that I say...
- Go love yourself.
Yeah, so now...
when I think about my ma...
it's like...
Go love yourself, Gata.
Go love yourself back.
Well, I did it,
because I wanted to.
I climbed out
of the second story window
at my parents' house
and, um, I jumped.
Probably broke, like, two bones.
But, you know, he was...
He was older, uh...
he liked me, uh,
everyone liked me.
And, um, I wanted to see him.
So, yeah, we got
a little strung out...
and, uh...
well, I woke up in a trailer
with four men...
that I didn't know.
I don't even think
they knew my name.
I had to take Clonazepam,
so I wouldn't get seizures.
But one night
after my husband got rough...
I took too many and OD'd.
This spark plug is fried.
I got arrested in middle school.
Sent to Las Nunes.
He ordered a youth diagnostic.
I spent Christmas in jail.
When I got
out of the hospital...
the doctor...
prescribed me Clonazepam.
But I liked jail.
No one was gonna
molest me there.
People always ask
what's your favorite number.
I always thought
that was a dumbass question.
Favorite color I get...
but it's not like you're gonna
decorate your house
in multiples of seven.
But I'm a survivor of suicide.
I tried to kill myself
eight times.
I know I won't live to see nine.
So eight.
That's my favorite.
Okay. Should be good.
Wow, nice.
Thanks.
I've already been
transferred six times.
Does anyone actually work there?
Hello?
Coke?
Mostly opiates.
Mm, no, do you want a Coke?
- Yeah, Sprite.
- Okay.
I never worked at Chili's.
They wouldn't hire me.
Maybe you should have
tried Applebee's.
He was a penguin,
but he was cold all the time,
so he wore a hat
and a little muffler
around his neck.
Nobody?
I don't really know what's
going on with my head.
- I don't know.
- Okay.
All right, we're starting.
Where's Nell at?
She left.
And if she left...
Please hang up
and try your call again.
I've called CPS a million times,
and all I get is the run around.
- They're busy.
- Whose side you on?
They won't even
let me see her, Nick.
I gotta see her.
You will.
Hey, it's me.
Don't hang up.
If you check out,
you come back by 8:00 PM.
If you come back by 8:00 PM,
you take a test.
Anything you bring back
will be searched.
Anything on the list
will be confiscated.
That includes mouthwash.
Don't think
we're not wise on mouthwash.
We're closed.
That's okay.
I don't got any money.
I have somewhere to be.
Can't get
caught up in you right now.
I'm not in any trouble.
Well, you know what I mean.
I heard you've been
checking up on Nevaeh.
Yeah. I understand.
You're incognizant,
you don't give a shit.
I have enough of my own
problems to worry about.
I can't be your broken record.
Mari.
I got shoes on.
I keep thinking about Toaster.
What she told me.
We gotta fight
until we fucking win.
Don't look at me like that.
She's taking a shit.
She'll be...
Where are you taking us Nick?
Disneyland?
Yeah, right, I bet he's gonna
take us to an NA meeting.
Yeah, I'd be down for that.
Come on.
- Let's go to Splash Mountain.
- Yep, yep!
Come on, Gata.
Smile for me.
Here's your smile, Shorty.
Don't be like that.
Just one. Don't be like that!
All right. Everybody in.
Hey, what about Chama?
Yeah, where's Chama at?
It's fucking hot in here.
Come on, girl.
I like the sun on my face.
It calms
the pounding in my chest.
I wonder where we're going.
If Nick really gets it.
I told him the truth.
About the doctor.
That I'm scared.
The sun feels bright on my face.
Take this over Magic Kingdom.
Damn, this shit's no joke.
Come on, Lucy.
There are thousands
of women that can't have kids.
And God's got jokes.
You want this baby?
But I don't deserve
either of them.
My first boyfriend
ended in assault.
Yeah, uh...
I wasn't the victim.
I was 18.
High.
Made a terrible decision,
ended up hurting the one person
that I truly loved.
Spent some time locked up,
hating myself.
Yeah, that never
really goes away.
But if you can turn guilt,
hate into something else...
you can do
something for the world
that's beyond yourself.
We're at the bottom of a hill.
Can you climb?
The 15th.
Next Friday.
You'll get to see your daughter.
My name isn't really Chama.
I saw this postcard
once of a mother and daughter
standing outside
Chama, New Mexico.
I wanted to live
in that postcard.
I talk to my mom.
And tell her things...
but not in real life...
because this reality
took her away.
I talk to her,
because I got to try
to understand my scars...
and not just pick at my scabs.
I've been through a lot of shit.
I've put people through...
a lot more.
It's not fair.
But like Nick says...
"Nothing is fair...
nothing is normal."
What have I done?
What am I doing?
If I'm not Chama, then...
who am I?
I'm an addict.
I've slept
on the streets, but...
I'm not homeless.
I'm terrified.
We need help.
I will help.
I'm here...
and I will be a mother.
I am a mother.
- Love you, Peggy.
- Love you, Mama.
Okay.
So these are the rules.
You have to get
from here to there
without touching
the floor or the light.
All right, Bearbear,
you can do this.
Just have to go slow, okay?
You can do it, Bearbear.
You just have to jump.
Okay, ready?
Sometimes I can feel
the sky as it rotates.
It scatters my thoughts,
creating this...
sound.
And it'll grow louder.
More aggressive.
Like two people fighting.
I look up and I know
I can keep my shit together.
And then it rains.
It's gonna stop, baby girl.
If it doesn't,
I'll be the only kid in class
with an indoor swimming pool.
Ooh, quefancy.
You don't need a flood
to stand out.
You've got grease
all over your face.
Oh, yeah.
You, like, totally got it now.
It looks all bad.
It will grow louder.
The lights will turn off.
The roof will cave in.
Everything will fall apart.
And I wonder if you can hear me.
Don't let go.
Don't let go.
Please.
Hold your hand.
No, don't let me.
It's my fault. I did it.
Who's she talking to?
Jesus.
Is he listening?
I don't know, baby girl.
Is she crazy?
I don't know, baby girl.
You're on fire.
You set it on fire!
I'm holding your fucking hand,
fuck you, you fucking
ugly fucker, fucker, fucker...
Hold your hand.
I'm holding your hand.
You got lost, Chama, or what?
Where you going?
Don't be all nosy, Matias.
She has a job interview.
Oh, where at?
You my PO now or something?
Look, it's, like,
a good job opportunity, okay?
Gonna pay real good,
then you won't be
seeing us no more.
Who names their kid Chama?
It's short for Elena.
- No, it isn't.
- It is, if I say it is.
Anybody ever tell you
you got spiders in your veins?
Anyone ever tell you
to put on some shoes?
Come on, baby, get your bag.
That you?
Yeah, that's me.
Hey, good luck out there.
Let me see.
You're gonna lose everything if
you don't close your backpack.
Come on.
Got everything you need?
I'm gonna be right here,
waiting for you after school.
Really?
Yes, really.
Are you gonna
give me shit today, too?
Come on.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Have fun.
I remember being her age.
That's when
I learned how to lie.
I used to tell teachers
I was sick.
That's why I was missing school.
When I did go,
I tried to blend in.
I brushed my hair,
cleaned my nails...
but inside I felt
ants crawling up my skin.
I just wanted to grow up,
so everything would be better.
Give me a chance.
I can do the work.
I can!
I'm sure you can.
Come on, quiz me.
I know this shit.
When I was younger
I used to watch
my abuelo tear cars apart.
He taught me
literally everything.
I got an '85
Buick LeSabre I rebuilt.
Runs perfectly...
if it had a fuel pump.
But I can't get a new fuel pump
if I don't got a job
and if I don't got a job...
Look.
I'm just trying
to get back on my feet, okay?
I have a daughter.
Look, the economy's
kicking my ass.
I'm just not hiring right now.
Abueloused to say that
if you find a black feather...
it's a warning.
We made dinner.
There's some left in the fridge.
She's sleeping, Elena.
She's my daughter.
I know she's sleeping, okay?
Don't look at me like that.
- You're in my home.
- That the state pays for.
I was robbed, okay?
Don't pretend like you care.
Because if you gave two shits,
you'd drive around
and look for them.
Oh, I would drive around
and look for your shoes?
Why would you ever want to
look for the imaginary person
who stole your shoes, Elena?
That's not my name.
Stop talking to me like a child.
You know, Friday's her birthday.
I fucking know
Friday's her birthday.
If you weren't my sister...
So, what?
You'd go? So fucking go!
You are just like Mom.
One of these times...
they're gonna take her away.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Get the fuck out!
You know,
I used to have this dream...
that I got, like, no face...
and I'm just a shadow,
floating over the desert.
And I got, like,
this bag of hammers
and I'm just, like,
chucking them at cows.
What do you think that means?
That you need serious help.
Toaster always
showed up when I needed her.
You can't just, like, open it.
- Why not?
- You broke it.
Last year, Nevaeh loved red.
I think this year,
she likes the color purple.
Like that Oprah movie
about racism?
Balloons.
You never, like,
look up your dreams
and find out what they mean?
I don't dream.
Every bitch dreams.
Come on, you probably
just don't remember it.
Maybe that's what I'll study
when I go back to school.
Why Chama don't dream?
Stupid. Siempre.
No.
No, for serious.
I'm going back.
Toaster is one of those
bitches from the Heights.
She actually knew her father.
He'd buy her things.
She never worried about nothing.
Toaster was all cool.
And I wanted to be her.
She was a dreamer.
I'm going back.
My dad's gonna pay.
It's gonna be
like it used to be, you know?
He's gonna be proud of me.
I don't know,
maybe I'll be just, like...
some counselor, you know?
Like, help
all these bitches out.
I could tell 'em what's up.
Toaster always
showed up when I needed her.
She'd help me fix everything.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
I can make my daughter happy.
I can keep my shit together.
Hey, baby girl, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Hey.
Don't let bullshit push you.
Sometimes I just
want to hide, too.
Just, like, run away.
But everybody's already here,
so you might as well
just take all their presents.
You were born two months early,
you know why?
Because you were
so excited to meet your mama.
And I was to meet you.
There she is.
You're my baby girl,
you're all I got.
You're all I got.
I hope that's not true.
Go on.
Have fun, it's your birthday.
I can keep my shit.
Elena?
Elena, are you in there?
Come on. Open up.
Elena.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
You did all right... good, okay?
Not out here to talk shit.
Hey.
Let's just go out and sing.
Look, you know what?
You don't get to do this.
Not today, this isn't about you.
You think you're so special
and that nobody else matters,
but guess what?
They do.
Somebody help me!
Somebody help!
Now!
I know
what you all are thinking.
Shit gets all fucked.
But that's just the way it goes.
I had this
one bitch try to tell me,
"If you just got a real job,
everything would be all right."
Bitch! I have a felony.
Who's gonna hire me?
Who's gonna teach me?
All I know
is selling dope, hustling.
That's all anyone
was willing to show me.
So, with four little brothers
at home, yeah,
I was gonna hustle
to buy them food and, yeah,
I was gonna smoke to forget
everything I had done.
And yeah.
Shit's gonna get fucked.
I was once a little girl.
Trying to keep my sister safe.
I thought it would all work out.
I used to run toAbuelo's.
He showed me how to fix things.
You showed me how to break them.
You fucking took them, huh?
Let's go.
You drove around
with bottles on the floor.
Your music turned up.
You'd smoke a full pack,
but you still
smelled like roses.
We cried as you pulled
the glass out of our skin.
I am my mother's daughter.
Elena.
Can you tell me
what you were doing?
You're lucky to be alive.
If it hadn't been for
the Narcan you'd be dead...
you probably
wouldn't be here right now.
How much do you normally use?
Was it an accident
or was it intentional?
It's a selfish act,
especially when you're pregnant.
You didn't know?
I was 21.
I'd work on cars, because...
what else am I gonna do?
It was also
the last time I used a needle.
Nobody knew.
I was quiet.
But I always seemed in control.
You're doing it all wrong.
You should be cranking it
the other way, you know?
I'm tightening the tensioner.
Going clockwise,
so the nut can do its job.
That's what's up.
You know, I see you.
You was down
at Chopay's the other day.
Looking all cool and shit.
I see you and I want to
holler at you, mija.
Why?
Because you look like
you need someone to.
So what it is?
Can I help you start it or what?
Santi was all bad.
Smelled like
hairspray and sweat.
Reminded me ofAbuelo.
Know how many times he lost?
Five.
He worshiped boxing
and the boxers
who wouldn't quit.
Know how many times
he's got back up and won?
59, baby!
He just sticks out his tongue
and he knows no matter
where he grow up,
no matter how he grow up,
what he could do,
you know what I mean?
He says,
"Hey, pass me the ball,
pass me the bills.
Albuquerque.
Up to you, champ.
Albuquerque.
I'm still the champ.
Hey, Grandma, Grandpa,
I'm still your champ!"
I'd tattoo him on my body.
And he promised
to never let me get sick.
We'd get a house together.
I'd get pregnant.
Stop using.
I'd worship him,
because he gave me Nevaeh.
She'd be born at home,
just like I was.
He'd play the guitar
for our daughter.
He wasn't very good,
but I didn't know any better.
Then he was gone.
I was alone.
And seven years later...
I need you to nod your head
that you understand
what's going on.
It's in your best interest.
An investigator from CPS
is gonna sit down
- with your daughter.
- No.
You're going to scare her.
She's already scared.
We've got a house full of love,
you don't even know.
Do you have a contact
number for her father?
What do you think he's gonna do?
You just want
to take away my baby.
Our intention
is never to remove a child
from their home.
Unless we feel
the child is in danger.
Do I look dangerous?
The situation at the party...
Was an accident!
It was... it was...
It was an accident.
It's never gonna happen again.
Do you understand
why we're here?
Hey, baby girl. Hey.
It's okay.
Here.
Hey, Bearbear.
I'm sorry.
I messed up.
Everything's gonna
go back to normal.
Will you stop
writing down everything I say?
Come here.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Fuck them, no?
Fuck them for judging us.
You're a good mother.
I just wanna cry.
But nothing's coming out.
They don't know shit.
What's wrong with me, Toaster?
What are you doing, Chama?
You think you got,
like, a choice, really?
A la maquina, dummy.
Not even.
Okay, when we was, like, born...
let's say God, yeah, God.
You know, God was like...
"I'm gonna make
this child super smart.
And then this one?
This one is gonna be
dumb as crackers.
And then this one?
Oh, you know what?
That one is gonna get
a fucking mental illness,
hell yeah, because
that'll be fucking fun, no?
And this one.
This one's gonna have ADHD,
hell yeah!
And this one,
just for shits and giggles,
let's give it leukemia, right?
Because, you know,
life needs more hurdles.
And this one?
Yeah, this one.
This one gets
an addictive personality.
And that one doesn't."
This is us.
We gotta fucking fight
until we win.
We're fucking rebels, no?
And we're gonna
take care of all of it.
Just not today.
I want my baby.
- I want my baby.
- It's okay.
I want my baby.
Shh, can you just,
like, think it
instead of saying it out loud?
I want my baby!
And I would like her
to shut the fuck up!
What the fuck you say?
No, it's okay.
You can, like,
say that one more time.
Just shut her up.
Do you know what the fuck
my friend has been through?
You want her
to shut the fuck up?
Just go back to your seat.
Go back to my seat?
I'll stand here if I want to.
You're drunk.
What'd you say?
You fucking stink, you're drunk.
Fuck!
Get this crazy bitch off me!
Fuck you!
Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fuck you!
Look at this place, mija.
That's what you dreamed of.
We can put my mother's
papal cross right here.
Yeah?
Maybe, like,
a painting right there?
You could put up two.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Oh, and... oh, I have
this doll collection
that my mother found
outside a dumpster in the mall.
- Really?
- It's in perfect condition.
Well, like, perfect condition
for, like, the dumpster,
but I've always
wanted to display it.
Where you gonna put it up?
What do you think?
Are you happy or what?
I wanted a miracle.
And I got one.
I didn't need anything else.
My husband
was at home with my daughter.
I was at the long bar
with my friends.
Boyfriend.
We were all fucked up.
Breaking vows...
and I fell.
Cracked my fucking tailbone.
I put one of those
blue ice packs on it.
It broke.
Dyed my ass blue.
So, I go home
smelling like turpentine...
with a serious fucking injury,
a blue ass...
all the while,
I was just supposed
to be picking up dinner.
Look
who finally decided to show up.
I was out looking
for a present for my dad.
I don't know what to get him.
Maybe another World War Two book
with the card inside
that says, "Happy birthday.
We got nothing in common."
What?
You know your jacket smells?
You ever wash it?
It's not like it touches my ass,
I'm not, like, farting in it...
all the time.
Oh, come on, that was funny.
You know, you really
should laugh more.
Especially here.
Not sure
if I'm supposed to be here.
If you're standing
there, you probably are.
But we don't detox.
I'm clean.
We're full up.
Plus, it's 3:00 PM.
We don't take anyone past noon.
This is the third place
I've tried today.
What's worse
than being invisible?
Being seen as disposable.
I go to the hospital.
Be responsible.
Get checked.
Dose.
I want to rip off my skin.
The way she looks at me.
Does she need to double up?
The nurse.
The fucking nurse.
I'm dirty. Disgusting.
She doesn't see me.
She'll check my chart.
She'll know what I've done.
I told you last time
I wanted to sell you,
you know what I mean?
I just didn't like the way
y'all went out like that.
I know you got something.
Nah, not this time.
Fuck you up. Fucking kill you.
This shit ain't over.
Santi, what did you do?
Keep your fucking mouth shut.
Who's there?
What are you doing, Chama?
Toaster.
You gotta go away.
Go away!
Toaster.
Toaster!
I thought
you wanted me to leave.
No, no.
I'm all alone.
Remember when we first met?
We were working
at some old folks' home
and making food and shit.
Yeah.
We both hated the way
old people were treated.
Like they were a nuisance.
Like they chose
to be old and shit.
You thought I was
like your sister and shit.
You got all mad.
You know what the worst part is?
All of it.
When you're out, Chama.
You start smoking the crumbs.
I've seen you do it.
You're a dummy.
You smoke the crumbs
and then more.
Then you put Selena
on full blast.
But it's not the same
as when you kiss it.
- Put it in.
- No, shut up!
Open up.
No. No!
I've got
something for you, Chama.
No!
I'll do better, I'll do better,
I'll do better, I'll do better,
I promise I'll do better.
You lied. You lied.
No, don't...
Don't move, don't move.
Is it cold?
Is it cold down there?
Please hold on to my hand.
Oh, my God.
Toaster.
Are you fucking with me?
What are you doing, Chama?
Hey.
- Don't you?
- No, sorry.
I only got a couple of bucks.
Come on. Please.
Come on.
Come on. Please.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, please.
I've been talking
to you and not once,
through everything,
have you said anything back.
Are you not there?
Can you not hear me?
Nine months.
Clean.
Look at your arms.
You're a worthless fucking...
junkie.
Why don't
you just kill yourself?
Or you could...
go.
Grab your daughter...
and get out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Police department, don't move!
Police department!
You wanna know the...
two worst words
in the English vocabulary?
What if...
um, what if...
my dad was the president?
Or what if...
um, my mom...
actually wanted me?
What if...
I was born in London,
or...
or Ireland?
Lived on a farm far away?
What if when I ate food
I could keep it down,
like, that wasn't even
a thought, you know?
What if they didn't say...
it was all my fault?
Make up lies about me?
What if he came to get me?
You know where I'm at?
You know, what if
I didn't have to ask what if?
Can't.
Look, I've... I've been calling
over and over and no...
Nobody will tell me nothing!
Where is she?
Don't worry,
No, don't... don't hang up.
I just... I want
to know where she is.
Can't.
Come on!
What the... what the fuck?
We need help!
Who's gonna help us?
Who? Who, who, who?
- I don't know, I just...
- Say it. What?
- Say it! What are you, dumb?
- I feel like...
Who's gonna help us?
- Who's gonna help us?
- I don't know!
I don't know!
- We need help.
- Who's gonna help us?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't... I feel... I feel...
I feel like
I wanna rip my hair out.
I wanna tear my skin off
and walk away from this shit
I feel all the time!
What?
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
You just gonna stumble off?
You gonna stumble right back.
No one gives a shit.
We ain't stupid.
We know there's nothing else.
Where are you going?
Where are you going, Chama?
When Abuelo died, I ran away.
Which brought me
right back to you.
Do you want them
to think you're loca?
Because that's what
they're gonna say, hm?
Look at that crazy,
going around losing it.
It's not fair.
I don't want Abuelo to go.
You think anyone cares
about what you want?
Your sister's not gonna
live with us anymore.
Her father wants her.
Take her back to Texas
and I'm too fucking tired
to keep fighting him.
Just us now.
Don't be mad at what it is
because we're just paying
for something
we did in another life.
Here, drink this.
Not too much.
Just enough
to make you feel better.
I thought
you looked thirsty, mama.
Chart's looking like
you're eight weeks along.
Someone talk to you
about your options?
It's okay, mama, take your time.
Thank you.
You think
you gotta keep it yourself,
but you don't.
I don't know what direction you
gonna go with this pregnancy,
but we can help you
safely transition.
Detox that stuff
out your system.
Or you can continue your way.
You got two options here.
First, you leave,
then there's the second one.
I know I'll see her face again.
The bedpost.
The ceiling.
The mole.
The itch.
Did you hear that?
I know I'll see her face again.
The bedpost. The ceiling.
The mole. The itch.
I know I'll see her face again.
The bedpost.
The ceiling. The mole.
You're looking better.
I know I'll see her face again.
I know I'll see her face again.
You're looking better.
I know I'll see her face again.
You're looking better.
I know I'll see her face again!
First time here?
They think we're all crazy.
Kind of makes me
wanna pop their eye out.
I'm Nell.
Chama.
Like the town.
Chama, New Mexico.
Everything is out to beat us,
but I'm just biding my minutes
'til I get into Guadalupe.
Is this your first time?
Sixth.
See you later.
Bedpost.
Ceiling.
Boredom.
Itch.
Not as sick.
I was
in my Grandma's double-wide
playing with her cat.
Her neighbor
stopped over and asked
if I wanted to try something.
I was like,
"How does it feel?"
He was like, "Don't be a baby.
Just try it."
So I smoked meth
out of a light bulb.
I was like,
"I don't even feel anything."
Then it was days later
and there was no concept
of where time went.
All I know
is Grandma's cat was dead
and I missed my 16th birthday.
I was just thinking
how fucking awesome life is.
I know.
We have clothes and groceries.
Mom's not snorting
dust off the carpet
and we have college funds.
I'm so glad you're not
fuck ups like Tina's kids.
They smell like garbage.
You're also lucky to have
a house with a working heater.
Do people live without a heater?
Oh, yes.
Because usually those people
are fucking strangers for coke.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hello.
Bring back a chicharrn?
Are you even New Mexican?
Born and raised.
You're as New Mexican
as Taco Bell green chili.
There, you see?
You do have jokes.
They're not
necessarily good, but...
Hey, hey, hold up.
Hold up.
You got a place to go?
Yeah, sure.
There's other spots you can try.
Yeah, everyone's really rolling
out the red carpet these days.
Francis, don't.
Come on, Francis.
'Cause I ain't got nothing left!
Please, will you just go inside?
Francis.
People come and go.
If you want it, you want it.
If you don't,
don't take someone else's bed.
There's a box of donated
clothes in the corner.
Looks like you made it.
Look...
I don't know what I'm doing.
Are you on anything?
No, I'm clean.
Plus, I don't even
got any money.
Has that ever
stopped you before?
Whatever.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm sorry.
Why are you here?
Because I need
to get my daughter back.
Because I need to be normal.
You know what that word means?
The usual, the average,
the typical state or condition.
What's normal to you?
I don't know.
Think about it.
Two girls drinking at a party.
One stops when it's empty.
For the other, it never ends.
So you want
to be able to drink...
No!
I don't fucking need this shit.
Look, it don't have to be easy,
but just, like, fair, you know?
Nothing in life is fair.
We'll see.
What do you know about it?
I was diagnosed
with cancer when I was 30.
My parents won't talk to me.
My first boyfriend
ended in assault
and my last one cheated on me.
I would love a drink,
but I haven't had one
in 12 years.
Nothing in life is fair,
nothing is normal.
But there's beauty
if you fight to see it.
You're gay?
That's what
you took away from that?
You know what I did
when I first got sober?
I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
I wrote
a moment on each of those.
The moments that got me down,
the ones that kept me going.
Everything, leading up 'til now.
Sounds like a lot of triggers.
When you're done,
stick 'em on that wall.
What happened
when you were born?
I tried to kill myself.
There you go.
Start from the beginning.
Cord wrapped around my neck.
It was my first struggle.
This world.
School.
I failed.
If I can fix cars
I can fix anything.
My mother's new boyfriend.
My new boyfriend.
He called me beautiful, ugly.
Look at this place, mija.
This is what you dreamed of.
You gave me no fucking choice
and you have to live with it!
You did this, Elena.
Transforming.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Santi. A dealer.
My first kiss.
Curious.
Play the same
song over and over.
I stuck a needle in my veins.
My sister listened to me.
My sister
wouldn't ask if I came home.
Abuelo used to say
that if you find
a black feather...
it's a warning.
Come on, come on,
we don't have much time.
I love you.
I love you, I love you.
Where are you going, Chama?
You broke it!
I am my mother's lost sisters.
The dealer.
Scared.
Always felt like home here.
- The river.
- It's dirty.
Half the time
it doesn't even have water.
You find what it is
you were looking for?
- Don't be like that.
- Like what, Chama?
Like your mother?
What else have you got?
Your Abuelo used to say,
"I don't need a watch...
I got the river."
If you leave...
I don't ever
want to see you again.
I wish I would've put
my arms around you.
One last time.
I wish I would have held you,
felt you,
smelled that lipstick.
I wish I would have been home
when they found you.
I hated you.
I blamed you.
I skipped your funeral
and Mari hated me.
But I pretend
in that last moment...
you saw something beautiful.
I used to be married.
He's famous,
I can't tell you who it was.
Okay.
I was independent though.
Yeah, I loved to work.
I ran five restaurants.
I mean, most people only,
like, oversee one.
Wanna know how many I ran?
- Five?
- Five!
Yeah, they respected me.
You know, like...
I wasn't a bitch
to them or anything
if that's what you're thinking,
but I was the boss.
You should see
the way they looked at me
when I walked into a Chili's.
Nell likes to talk.
A lot.
She says she first
tried heroin at age ten.
Given to her by a neighbor.
She told her father,
who went to her and beat her.
She started cutting
her knuckles in high school,
but her sister found out
and threw away the razors.
All her friends
worked at a local Chili's.
Nell claims she did, too.
She goes on
and on and on about it.
I just want
to scrub a toilet in peace.
Yeah, I don't really
like Chili's.
Oh, you're one of those...
Applebee's motherfuckers?
Anyways I was doing
really well, you know?
My husband was like...
Okay, let's check in.
It's a cloudy day
out there today.
What's that make
everyone think of?
Rain.
Makes me think of my son
playing in the puddles.
Sweaters.
I hate t-shirts and short pants.
How about you, Gata?
Go fuck yourself.
That's what my ma
used to always say.
Clouds remind me of her.
Every time I'd mess up...
like, when she'd
catch me slipping.
"Great...
go fuck yourself, Gata."
First time I came here,
- Nick suggested that I say...
- Go love yourself.
Yeah, so now...
when I think about my ma...
it's like...
Go love yourself, Gata.
Go love yourself back.
Well, I did it,
because I wanted to.
I climbed out
of the second story window
at my parents' house
and, um, I jumped.
Probably broke, like, two bones.
But, you know, he was...
He was older, uh...
he liked me, uh,
everyone liked me.
And, um, I wanted to see him.
So, yeah, we got
a little strung out...
and, uh...
well, I woke up in a trailer
with four men...
that I didn't know.
I don't even think
they knew my name.
I had to take Clonazepam,
so I wouldn't get seizures.
But one night
after my husband got rough...
I took too many and OD'd.
This spark plug is fried.
I got arrested in middle school.
Sent to Las Nunes.
He ordered a youth diagnostic.
I spent Christmas in jail.
When I got
out of the hospital...
the doctor...
prescribed me Clonazepam.
But I liked jail.
No one was gonna
molest me there.
People always ask
what's your favorite number.
I always thought
that was a dumbass question.
Favorite color I get...
but it's not like you're gonna
decorate your house
in multiples of seven.
But I'm a survivor of suicide.
I tried to kill myself
eight times.
I know I won't live to see nine.
So eight.
That's my favorite.
Okay. Should be good.
Wow, nice.
Thanks.
I've already been
transferred six times.
Does anyone actually work there?
Hello?
Coke?
Mostly opiates.
Mm, no, do you want a Coke?
- Yeah, Sprite.
- Okay.
I never worked at Chili's.
They wouldn't hire me.
Maybe you should have
tried Applebee's.
He was a penguin,
but he was cold all the time,
so he wore a hat
and a little muffler
around his neck.
Nobody?
I don't really know what's
going on with my head.
- I don't know.
- Okay.
All right, we're starting.
Where's Nell at?
She left.
And if she left...
Please hang up
and try your call again.
I've called CPS a million times,
and all I get is the run around.
- They're busy.
- Whose side you on?
They won't even
let me see her, Nick.
I gotta see her.
You will.
Hey, it's me.
Don't hang up.
If you check out,
you come back by 8:00 PM.
If you come back by 8:00 PM,
you take a test.
Anything you bring back
will be searched.
Anything on the list
will be confiscated.
That includes mouthwash.
Don't think
we're not wise on mouthwash.
We're closed.
That's okay.
I don't got any money.
I have somewhere to be.
Can't get
caught up in you right now.
I'm not in any trouble.
Well, you know what I mean.
I heard you've been
checking up on Nevaeh.
Yeah. I understand.
You're incognizant,
you don't give a shit.
I have enough of my own
problems to worry about.
I can't be your broken record.
Mari.
I got shoes on.
I keep thinking about Toaster.
What she told me.
We gotta fight
until we fucking win.
Don't look at me like that.
She's taking a shit.
She'll be...
Where are you taking us Nick?
Disneyland?
Yeah, right, I bet he's gonna
take us to an NA meeting.
Yeah, I'd be down for that.
Come on.
- Let's go to Splash Mountain.
- Yep, yep!
Come on, Gata.
Smile for me.
Here's your smile, Shorty.
Don't be like that.
Just one. Don't be like that!
All right. Everybody in.
Hey, what about Chama?
Yeah, where's Chama at?
It's fucking hot in here.
Come on, girl.
I like the sun on my face.
It calms
the pounding in my chest.
I wonder where we're going.
If Nick really gets it.
I told him the truth.
About the doctor.
That I'm scared.
The sun feels bright on my face.
Take this over Magic Kingdom.
Damn, this shit's no joke.
Come on, Lucy.
There are thousands
of women that can't have kids.
And God's got jokes.
You want this baby?
But I don't deserve
either of them.
My first boyfriend
ended in assault.
Yeah, uh...
I wasn't the victim.
I was 18.
High.
Made a terrible decision,
ended up hurting the one person
that I truly loved.
Spent some time locked up,
hating myself.
Yeah, that never
really goes away.
But if you can turn guilt,
hate into something else...
you can do
something for the world
that's beyond yourself.
We're at the bottom of a hill.
Can you climb?
The 15th.
Next Friday.
You'll get to see your daughter.
My name isn't really Chama.
I saw this postcard
once of a mother and daughter
standing outside
Chama, New Mexico.
I wanted to live
in that postcard.
I talk to my mom.
And tell her things...
but not in real life...
because this reality
took her away.
I talk to her,
because I got to try
to understand my scars...
and not just pick at my scabs.
I've been through a lot of shit.
I've put people through...
a lot more.
It's not fair.
But like Nick says...
"Nothing is fair...
nothing is normal."
What have I done?
What am I doing?
If I'm not Chama, then...
who am I?
I'm an addict.
I've slept
on the streets, but...
I'm not homeless.
I'm terrified.
We need help.
I will help.
I'm here...
and I will be a mother.
I am a mother.
- Love you, Peggy.
- Love you, Mama.