All You Need Is Blood (2023) Movie Script
1
(INSECTS CHIRRING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
()
()
()
-(TORCH CRACKLING)
-(OWL HOOTING)
(CAVEMAN SNIFFING)
()
(OWL HOOTING)
()
()
(ROCK SIZZLING)
(OWL HOOTING)
()
(CAVEMAN GROANING)
(CAVEMAN SCREAMING)
(CAVEMAN GAGGING)
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROWLING)
(JOYFUL FLUTE MUSIC)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROANING)
(CAVEWOMAN GIGGLING)
(CAVEWOMAN MOCKINGLY GROANING)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROANING)
(TEETH CRUNCHING)
(CAVEWOMAN GASPING)
(FLESH CRUNCHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(FIST THUDDING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROANING)
(BODY THUMPING)
(CAVEWOMAN CRYING)
(FLUTE WHISTLING)
(CAVEWOMAN SCREAMING)
()
(SKULL SQUISHING)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROWLING)
(STATIC BUZZING)
()
(BUCKY LAUGHING)
(LEAVES CRUNCHING)
(WALTER CHUCKLING)
()
()
()
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
BUCKY:
Hey, buddy.
Who's a good boy, Spartacus?
You're a good boy.
Oh, yes you are.
(LIPS SMACKING)
Here you go, pal.
(BANANA SQUISHING)
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(BODY THUMPING)
NEWS REPORTER (ON TV):
What's in store
for the evening?
(BUCKY SIGHS)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
Well, for this evening
it's going to be cold.
For this weekend, a high
pressure front will give us
crystal clear skies,
perfect viewing conditions
for tomorrow's meteor shower.
All you have to do
is look straight up
and you'll see one of the
best meteor showers of the year.
(BUCKY GROANS)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
You'll see about one
meteor per minute.
- And if you can get away...
-(WALTER COUGHING)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
...from city lights into
a more rural area,
you will get an
even better view.
Meanwhile,
for the rest of the
valley,
you can expect clear
skies and calm winds
from the southeast.
(LEAVES CRUNCHING)
MOM:
Careful, Bucky, never
mess with a sleeping dragon.
(WALTER YELLING)
I got you, I got you!
-(WALTER CHUCKLING)
-(BUCKY SCREECHING)
(WALTER BARKING)
The button by your thumb,
that starts and stops.
(MOM GIGGLING)
This is so cool.
-Ah!
- (WALTER GROWLING)
-I...love...you.
-I...love...you.
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
So today it was 68
in Point Valley.
(WALTER SNORING)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
It was 66 in Malligan.
65 in Porterville.
MOM:
Hey, Buckaroo.
Chin up.
He just misses me, that's all.
I know, Mom.
I know, it's just,
can't you work some ghost
shit on him or something?
Turn him back into the old Dad.
MOM:
Bucky, it's a process.
All Dad needs is a little time.
You have to be patient
with him.
I tried to show him
my footage the other day.
Do you know what he said to me?
He said, I should
focus more on school
and less on make believe.
MOM:
Patience, Bucky.
(BUCKY SIGHS)
MOM:
Patience.
- Hey, Buckaroo?
-Yeah, Ma?
MOM:
Your shoe's untied.
Oh, no, Mom, I'm not falling
for that one again.
(FIST KNOCKING)
Vish, we got a package?
Oh, what is it?
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
...broadcast
right here on WKJK.
Oh, you scallywag!
I'm gonna get you next time.
Come on.
()
BUCKY:
Jenkem is a gas produced
by fermented human waste.
Addicts crack open
sewage lines to inhale
the powerful hallucinogens,
and the effects send users
into a dangerous rage.
One woman says,
"Bigfoot had me hooked
after just one sniff."
(TOILET FLUSHING OVERHEAD)
Okay, man.
I'm telling you,
this stuff is real.
You know my dad
saw Bigfoot once?
(STATIC BUZZING)
Dost thou confuseth me
for a hedge-born raggabrash?
Taketh my flock, plucketh
my harvest, haveth my fortune,
but my deeds?
No, my Lord, you may never
taint my good deeds.
All Earthly things
turn to dust,
but one's legacy lives on
in the halls of eternity!
(PEASANT SNIFFING)
You reeketh of mortality,
my Lord.
In my village, we have a name
for men like you.
You, my Lord, are a fopdoodle.
(HAND SLAPPING)
Cut!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Cut!
Hey, look, Vish,
you were great.
You were really great.
I promise.
But this time I need you to
really like whack me full force.
Otherwise, it's gonna look fake.
Okay?
Come on, man, are you ready?
Okay, listen, I'm gonna be fine.
Pain is temporary.
-(HAND SLAPPING)
-See?
Fine.
But film, film is forever.
Okay?
All right.
(BUCKY TRILLING)
(BUCKY HOLLERING)
(BUCKY DEEPLY INHALES)
Action!
-(HAND THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANING)
Awesome!
Oh, that was so good, Vish.
Let's do one more
just so we have some options
in the edit.
What are you telling me?
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
GURU:
Picture yourself
in a tropical rainforest.
Imagine you are now a panther.
Panther power.
Strong, calm, relax, relax.
CASTING DIRECTOR:
You're up, June.
This way, honey.
The snarling werewolf backs
you into a corner, literally,
emotionally, metaphorically.
The situation, dire.
The suspense, agonizing.
But you're the hero.
You dig down in the
core of your being
and scream like a banshee
thrusting the dagger
into the beast's heart.
Got it?
Great, let's roll, Hal.
Oh,
you're, you're taping this?
Yes, honey,
we film every audition.
Don't worry, it stays private.
Okay, everybody,
let's roll, Hal.
-(CAMERA BEEPS)
-And action.
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
Action.
Poor little thing
has stage fright.
Cut.
God, if I have to see one
more pathetic amateur.
I mean, are you trying
to waste my time?
Or you just have no
one of actual quality?
This is abysmal.
No offense.
(HEELS CLICKING)
CASTING DIRECTOR:
Oh, wait, darling.
Wait up, wait up, wait, wait.
Look, honey, I know this
audition stuff is scary,
and he can be an asshole,
but making an actual
movie is even worse.
What you need
is exposure therapy.
You gotta spend time
on a film set.
Take any job.
Coffee girl, hair, makeup,
girl Friday, whatever.
Get comfortable in that
filmmaking environment,
then ain't no nerves
gonna stop you.
Okay, honey?
You gotta face for film.
I know these things.
All right,
we'll catch you next time.
()
()
()
(MAILBOX THUDDING)
(LETTERS RUSTLING)
No, no, no, no.
Oakmont.
Okay, okay.
All right.
"Thank you for submitting
"Drops of Dew"
to the fourth annual
Oakmont Film Festival.
We have the very difficult task
of choosing from hundreds of
submissions, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Unfortunately,
your film was not selected.
Though it had its merits,
the story was bogged
down by a dry plot,
nauseating monologues
and ostentatious platitudes."
What?
The world just wasn't
ready for "Drops of Dew."
But did Picasso give up when
the critics called him crazy?
I mean, did Van Gogh quit
when he couldn't sell
a single painting?
Exactly, Vish!
And neither will we.
So it's onward and upward.
Aha, Vish.
I present our next masterpiece.
It's not just a drama,
it's a drama within a drama.
Poof.
It doesn't have a title and
it could use a few rewrites,
but I think it could be our
ticket out of this crappy town.
Oh, a local film festival.
Starwaltz.
$2,000 grand prize.
Man, we could make a kickass
film with that kind of cash.
This year's annual theme is...
...horror.
All submissions must
be in the horror genre.
We're not doing popcorn
entertainment, man.
I'm going for longevity.
In 500 years,
no one's gonna remember some
B-grade monster flick.
-But dramas, those have legs.
-(VISH CRUNCHING PICKLE)
I mean, classic cinema,
Greek tragedy, Shakespeare,
those are the kind of
things that live on.
All right, we are gonna
need a top-notch actress
for this project.
Can you put out
an ad for auditions?
Female, late 30s, no, early 40s.
Theater experience is preferred.
And we have auditions on Sunday.
Right.
You can say the film pays
40 bucks
plus 5% of the gross
after taxes.
3:00 p.m. Sunday.
You posted this at
both theaters, right?
What about the message
board at the corner store?
How about cafes?
Dang.
Well, dang.
You know, it's probably
just church traffic.
We should give it another hour.
(VISH SNIFFING)
We should have offered
more percentage points.
What?
()
What?
Whoa, don't touch it!
It might have space AIDS.
Last night I saw a flying
object that couldn't have
possibly been from this planet.
(UFO ROARING)
TV NARRATOR (ON TV):
There comes
a time in each man's life,
when he can't even
believe his own eyes.
(DOOR OPENING)
Guys, guys, come on.
I'm trying to watch the TV.
Dad, where's the rest
of your magazines?
Oh, the attic.
TV NARRATOR (ON TV):
Flying saucers
seen over Hollywood.
I feel a breeze.
Why might I feel a breeze,
one would ask.
I don't know, Walter,
why would you feel a breeze?
I don't know, maybe Bucky
didn't close the door!
Bingo!
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
(BUCKY GASPS)
(WATER SPITS)
(ROCK SIZZLING)
(ROCK CRACKLING)
(WALTER GROANING)
(WALTER GROANING)
(WALTER SCREAMING)
()
Dad?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
()
Dad?
You didn't touch
the rock, did you?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(DOOR BANGS)
Okay.
(DOOR CREAKING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
-(BUCKY GASPS)
Vish, wait!
I got this.
Dad.
It's me, your son, Bucky.
You know, Buckster?
Buckarino, Buckaroo?
It's me, Dad.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
See?
He remembers.
-(HAND THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
(TRANQUILIZER GUNSHOT WHIRRING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
(NOOSE SNAPS)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Anything?
(BUCKY PANTING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
We need to call the police.
-(FIST KNOCKING)
-JUNE: Hello?
Oh crap, the auditions.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
The audition's canceled.
JUNE:
Actually, I'm not here
for the audition.
I just wanna be an assistant.
I'll brew coffee,
butter bagels, whatever.
Here's my resume.
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-Fine, whatever.
You're hired.
Thanks for stopping by.
We'll be in touch.
So what kinda movie is this?
Please don't tell me
it's some artsy fartsy drama.
Artsy fartsy drama?
Oh, so I suppose
you'd prefer if it was some
schlocky horror flick?
So it is an artsy fartsy drama?
Hmm, great.
You know what,
on second thought,
I don't think
you're right for this film.
I need a crew who actually
appreciates real art.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Your star has arrived.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The audition's off.
We have to reschedule.
Reschedule?
No, I didn't do four hours of
hair and makeup to reschedule.
Okay?
Don't worry, this'll be quick.
Hey, you,
can you get me a water?
Preferably the bubbly kind.
No, you don't have any?
Or no you don't
wanna get it for me?
Speak up!
Uh, ma'am, my friend is mute,
and we don't have
any bubbly water.
What did he get
dropped on his head
as a baby or something?
Okay, we really don't
have time right now, so--
I'm sorry, what did you
say your name was again?
He didn't.
No one asked you, sweetheart.
Anyways,
what I was gonna say is,
it's just gonna take a few
minutes to see my chops.
You got a few minutes
for my talents, don't ya?
Oh my!
-Oh!
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
You didn't say this
was a zombie movie.
Is this my costar?
Geez, what a hunk.
Vivien Vance, charmed.
-(TEETH CHOMPING)
-Oh, god!
Woo, somebody's really
into their role.
You know, I always
admired method actors.
I don't suppose I can get
you to break character
and grab a drink
with me tonight, eh?
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
-(VIVIEN GIGGLING)
You're so fun.
Oh!
(VIVIEN GASPS)
You know, I thought
this was a drama,
but I can do scary movies too.
I've been told I have the
best scream in the business.
Do you wanna hear it?
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
It's pretty good, right?
I'm calling the police.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(DIAL TONE RINGING)
OPERATOR (ON PHONE):
Operator.
Hello, operator.
Can you get me
the police department?
OPERATOR (ON PHONE):
One moment.
Thanks.
Vish, do you remember
that festival
you told me about, Starwaltz?
They added a new prize.
The winner gets
an apprenticeship
with Hans von Franz
on his next film.
DISPATCH (ON PHONE):
Hampton Bay Police Department.
How may I direct your call?
Hans von Fricking Franz!
HOST:
You once said, and I quote,
"That life is short.
Art is long, but Hans
von Franz is forever."
What does that
mean to you, Hans?
I create movies for
audiences of the future.
Why?
Because I want my art
to live forever.
The legacy of my films
is immortal.
Therefore, I, the artist,
am also immortal.
Hans von Franz will never die.
DISPATCH (ON PHONE):
Police department, hello?
-(BUCKY GASPS)
-OPERATOR (ON PHONE): Hello?
(LIGHTER CLICKING)
We have to win Starwaltz.
-(VIVIEN EXHALING DEEPLY)
-(JUNE COUGHING)
Right, it's gotta be
a horror flick.
Well, if it means breaking
into the industry
and meeting Hans...
No, no, no.
Even if we wanted
to be sellouts, I mean,
we don't have the budget
for a horror movie.
Do you know how much it
costs to make a good monster?
(ZOMBIE WALTER WHEEZING)
Put my dad in the movie?
Are you insane?
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
VIVIEN:
Wow.
He's really into his role.
Oh, that's hot.
MOM:
Hey, Bucky.
Don't you remember what
I told you about chicken salad?
Chicken salad?
VIVIEN:
Hey, boys.
Yeah, I, I ain't got all day.
You wanna see these
chops or what?
When life gives
you chicken shit,
you turn it into chicken salad.
That's not how the saying goes.
Huh?
Vivien, you've got the role.
Oh my god!
I knew it.
I knew it!
Ah, I got the role.
Ooh, I got it.
Yay.
BUCKY:
Get some beauty rest.
'Cause we start bright
and early tomorrow.
Festival submissions
are in a few days.
We have to work fast!
You know, I really think you
should reconsider hiring me.
-(EAR SQUISHING)
-See you tomorrow.
(BUCKY GAGGING)
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Frick!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
I mean, do you know
how many directors
launched their careers
with horror films?
We're still making a drama.
It's just a drama that happens
to have a zombie in it.
It's a new genre.
A zombie drama.
A zomdrom.
(BUCKY SIGHS)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
-(BUCKY SIGHS)
All right, Dad, I really
need your help on this one.
Don't think of it as acting.
Just stand there and be...this.
Okay, Dad?
Deal?
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(CHAIN RATTLING)
-BUCKY: Thanks.
-JUNE: I knew it.
I knew this stuff
wasn't just folklore.
I wonder how many other
zombies have existed?
They say that Jesus
rose from the grave.
Was he a zombie?
And what about the virus?
Intergalactic bacteria doesn't
just come from nowhere.
That means that somewhere
there's an entire planet filled
with undead lifeforms.
Wow.
What are you doing?
I've used this recipe before.
It works great.
Super realistic for blood.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not making your
average horror flick.
I'm doing something
new with the genre.
A zombie film with
artistic principles.
A zomdrom, no gore, no blood.
This is the first movie
in the history of mankind
to have a real zombie in it,
and you're gonna water it
down with artistic principles?
Where's the fun in that?
(DOOR OPENING, SLAMMING SHUT)
You're never gonna believe
who I met last night.
Dick Boeing, President
of Starwaltz.
Did you tell him
about our film?
Oh, I told him all right.
Yeah, I told him real good.
So good, in fact, that he wants
to visit our set tomorrow.
That's huge, Vivien!
Huge!
Huge!
I mean, if Dick sees
our film, he'll be dazzled.
-And if Dick is dazzled,...
-(VIVIEN SNIFFS)
...then I mean,
we're a guaranteed
shoe-in for Starwaltz.
(BUCKY GASPS)
Did Dad hit the camera?
(BUCKY SIGHS)
All right.
Here goes.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
We're back in business.
It's zooming in on its own.
Hang on.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
Come on.
-(CAMERA WHIRRING)
-BUCKY: Still zooming.
(HAND TAPPING)
What a piece of junk.
Hey, it's okay, man.
Shit happens.
Shit happens.
Shit.
Chicken shit.
We're gonna turn this
into chicken salad.
We'll make our official
cinematic style zooming.
Every shot in the
movie will have a zoom.
I mean, the judges at
Starwaltz will eat it up.
They'll think it's like
a bold, creative choice.
Star.
Smile.
(VIVIEN INHALES DEEPLY)
Strong.
Call action.
Oh, okay, ma'am.
And action.
Mother didn't raise us
as savages.
You shan't treat
a lady this way.
Now listen here, little muffin.
You think you're the cat's
meow, but I got news for you.
Ms. Vance, just play your part.
How fucking cute.
This must be your first time
working with
a professional actress.
To really get into the story,
sometimes us pros like
to read both parts.
Ain't that right, hot stuff?
(BLOWS KISS)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER CHOMPS)
-Oh, stop.
-No.
-Okay, Vivien,
that's just not how
I'm used to working.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you the one up here
bearing your soul
in front of a camera
for the whole world to see?
Huh, are you?
Okay,
let's just try it again.
(BUCKY SNIFFLES)
And action.
The shame, my brother,
your unmannerliness
makes father fidget
in his grave.
If that zombie ain't
outta here by dawn,
I'll take 'em out
myself, in pieces.
(VIVIEN SIGHS)
Cut.
(VIVIEN SIGHS)
That's good.
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
-(BLOOD DRIPPING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
(CHAIN RATTLING)
Ooh, Vish.
Ah, careful, buddy.
That's a sewage line.
You bust that baby open,
we'll be swimming in Jenkem.
VIVIEN:
Bucky, yoo-hoo.
I'm ready.
All right.
Places everybody.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
Perfect.
And action.
Matter ain't dead.
Every atom in the universe
is alive and dancing;
trees, rivers,
rocks, even zombies.
Too much.
Bring it down.
Zombies ain't evil.
It's like Shakespeare said,
"There ain't nothing
good or bad about it,
but it's, it's thinking
that makes it so."
Less theatrical, Vivien.
But I know how to wake up
sleeping hearts!
Less, Vivien, less.
Brother, you're no different
than a zombie.
Your heart is fast asleep.
Too little, Vivien.
-It needs to have impact.
-(VIVIEN SCOFFS)
For crying out loud,
less, more, big, small.
I don't know what the
fuck you fucking want!
Where the fuck are my smokes?
Let's cut.
Hey, Vish.
Come check out this shot.
I want your opinion.
What do you think
of the framing?
Any thoughts?
You like it?
(BUCKY GIGGLING)
No, but seriously,
what do you think of the shot?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
BUCKY:
And action.
Action means swing the bat, Dad.
Action.
Action.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
Cut.
-JUNE: Bucky.
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
I think I have something
that might help.
(TASER ZAPPING)
We are not torturing him.
He's still my dad.
JUNE:
That's not your dad anymore.
Zombies are
completely brain dead.
They can't feel pain.
It's like a--
it's like anesthesia except,
well, it's permanent.
(BUCKY SIGHS)
Action.
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
()
(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)
EILEEN (ON PHONE):
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, it's a voicemail.
Walter, it's me, Eileen.
I assume
you're not feeling well,
but you gotta give us a heads
up when you take a sick day.
God, you got me all worried.
Anyways, rest up.
And if you got a cough,
try gurgling some salt water.
The saltier the better.
All right, well,
call me when you can.
-(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)
-BUCKY: Cut.
All right, let's just
do one more, Vivien.
Geez, Bucky,
don't you have it already?
We have to get this right.
It doesn't feel authentic yet.
If I don't believe it,
then the audience won't.
Oh, authentic?
Okay, I'll show you authentic.
BUCKY:
That's the spirit, Vivien.
All right, settle.
And action.
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
BUCKY:
Cut.
Cut.
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
BUCKY:
Cut!
Cut!
Son of a gun, cut!
Vivien, you're too dramatic.
Vivien, tone it down a notch.
Vivien this, Vivien that.
Who does he think he is?
I'm not a circus pony,
I'm an actress.
She's undirectable.
I mean, how do I direct
somebody who's undirectable?
(BUCKY SCOFFS)
June?
June, where are you going?
What are you doing?
June?
Oh.
Was I sleepwalking again?
(JUNE YAWNS)
I'll be darned.
I can't believe I missed it.
I want you to act in my film.
Yeah, okay.
June.
June, I'm serious.
You'd be perfect for the role.
JUNE:
You couldn't pay me to work
alongside that nutty hag.
BUCKY:
No, not with Vivien.
Instead of Vivien.
I mean she can't act her
way out an invisible bag.
If you're in,
I'll fire her tomorrow.
JUNE:
I can't be your actress.
Well, why the heck not?
I mean, acting's easy.
Anyone can do it, except
Vivien apparently.
JUNE:
I don't do well with cameras.
I freeze up.
I've tried everything.
Homeopathic, hypnotherapy.
Nothing works.
Have you tried cats?
I call her Pickles.
She likes to cuddle cameras.
It's not so scary if all you see
is a kitty cat, huh?
You wouldn't know good acting
if it bit you in the ass.
Look, Vivien, I understand
that you're upset, but--
No, I know what the problem is.
It's that teeny bopper June.
She's always staring at me and
trying to get into my head.
I'm under psychic attack, Bucky.
I want her gone.
Vivien, I'm sure
that's not her intention.
The two of you just
have different energies,
and I promise I will keep
you in mind for future roles.
-Future roles?
-BUCKY: Yeah.
(VIVIEN SCOFFS)
Wow, mm-hmm.
Well, so much for Starwaltz.
(LIGHTER CLICKING)
Don't!
You can keep the part.
That's what I thought.
See you at rehearsal.
(WATER SPLASHING)
(STOVE TOP CLICKING)
(BUCKY GROANING)
JUNE:
Need a hand?
I, um, I've been thinking
about the acting business
that we were talking
about last night and--
I've been thinking
about it too.
And as much as I hate to say it,
you wrote a pretty
fun character.
I actually think I could
really nail this role.
So, I have a couple ideas
that I wanted to run by you.
If now's a good time?
I decided to go with Vivien.
As much as I hate to admit it,
she's my ticket to Starwaltz.
I just need to be
more patient with her.
I mean, she'll find
her groove eventually.
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
And I know that you
didn't wanna work on
some artsy fartsy drama
for your whole break,
so, I appreciate the sandwiches,
but you're free to go.
(TOP POPPING)
June, June, please.
Come on.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Bucky, I feel lost.
How am I supposed
to talk with Walter
if he's always in
fucking character?
I need to be able to talk
with him, actor to actor.
I understand, Vivien.
I'll see what I can do.
(CHAIN RATTLING)
Dad, come on.
I know you're in there.
Dad, please give me a sign.
Something, anything.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
I guess June was right.
(BUCKY SNIFFLES)
Okay.
-BUCKY: I talked to him.
-And?
-BUCKY: He broke character.
-(VIVIEN GASPS)
He broke character?
Well what'd he say?
He said he can either
act like a zombie
or he can be a zombie.
I said, "You're right."
It's better for the
film if he stays dead.
Wow.
What a professional.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(FIST KNOCKING)
Mr. Boeing.
It's a pleasure,
a real pleasure.
-Where's Vivien?
-VIVIEN: Pumpkini!
-Ah!
-(VIVIEN GASPS)
(DICK GROWLING)
Well, hello my little Pooshi.
Listen, I can't stay long, babe.
I gotta go meet the old ball
and chain in a half hour.
No.
Ahem, Mr. Boeing.
Welcome to our humble
little movie set.
I don't have a title yet,
but it's a serious drama
about the human condition.
When I first conceived
of the theme--
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cut to the chase, kid.
Okay, well if you follow me,
we're about to shoot a scene
that I think you'll find very--
(PAGER BEEPING)
Ah, shit.
It's that damn German, Hans.
Where's your phone, kid?
()
And the blue fairy gave
Pinocchio the gift of life.
She gave him a conscience.
And from that day forth,
Pinocchio was a real boy.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
You can be a real boy too, Zed.
-(BUCKY MOUTHING)
-VIVIEN: I believe in you...
...with every fiber of my being.
Are you ready for your tennis
lesson now, Zeddy dear?
There you go.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
Is this supposed to be a comedy?
VIVIEN:
Little higher.
Very good.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Cut, cut.
Detective Moses T. Swan.
You must be a, Bucky Le Boeuf.
-BUCKY: Le Boeuf?
-Le Boeuf, yeah.
That's, all right, Le Boeuf.
I was here to see your dad,
Mr. Walter.
He wouldn't happen
to be here, would he?
No, unfortunately he's not.
He took a mental health vacation
down south to Baton Rouge.
Baton Rouge?
Well, good for him.
I'm here on the count of
a good friend of mine, Eileen.
She work down at the county
with your dad.
She was thinking about doing
a missing person report.
And I had to tell her, I said,
"Now, girl,
you calm on down now.
There's probably a simple
explanation for all this."
Yeah, I'm sorry that
he forgot to call.
He was in a real rush.
Said he was excited for some
fluffy Louisiana beignets.
Beignets, yeah.
I'm missing some goddamn
beignets my damn self.
-Well.
-Look, detective,
it's late and I was just
getting ready to...
-...turn in for the night, so--
-Oh, it's all right.
It's all right.
I'm gonna tell Eileen to just
go on and take a chill pill.
Oh, you wouldn't happen
to have the number
to your dad's hotel, would you?
I don't, but if you
leave me your number,
I'll have him call
as soon as he calls me.
(PEN SCRIBBLING)
(PAPER TEARING)
Okie dokey, Bucky.
-Have a good night.
-You do the same.
-(DOOR SLAMMING)
-(BUCKY SIGHS)
VIVIEN:
Zeddy, no!
If you live by the sword,
you're gonna die by the sword!
(TASER ZAPPING)
-(BAT THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
Okay.
Arrivederci, everybody.
Mr. Boeing, where are you going?
We're about to shoot
the big monologue.
Kid, this is a snooze fest, huh?
My audiences want blood,
guts, not monologues.
-Sweetheart.
-Cookie only comes out...
...to play if Pumpkini
gets us into Starwaltz.
Babe, you were great.
But Starwaltz is in the red.
I need to sell tickets, tickets.
Not bore audiences to sleep.
This is the kind of movie
that needs time
for its themes to develop.
-I mean, my vision--
-Kid, kid!
I don't give a rat's ass
about your themes.
What you need is action,
violence.
For example,
your character should
blow the zombie's head off.
But before pulling the trigger,
you should say something
real cool like,
"Hey, zombie, suck my balls."
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
Eh, shit like that.
You can have that
one for free kid.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
But Dick, Mr. Boeing,
I thought you'd
appreciate real art.
I mean, you're working with
a true artist, Hans von Franz.
Ha!
That crazy kraut?
The only reason
he's helping Starwaltz,
is to drum of publicity
for his next horror flick.
That's not possible.
I mean, Hans von Franz would
never make a horror film.
Well, kid, believe it and weep,
Hans is making a slasher.
Page me, babe.
I appreciate the notes,
Mr. Boeing.
I will take another
crack at the script.
Kid, there's an old saying
you ought to know,
"You cannot make chicken
salad outta chicken shit."
That's not the saying.
It's "You can make chicken
salad out of chicken shit."
Who told you that?
That's disgusting.
Look, kid, I'm sorry,
but your film's a bust.
Except for the zooms.
The zooms were great.
VIVIEN:
Pumpkini, wait for me!
Pumpkini, I'm coming!
Pumpkini, wait!
-(CHAIN RATTLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER CHOMPING)
Ooh lady
BUCKY:
June, what are you doing here?
Vivien isn't gonna
last and you know it.
So, if you wanna
make this movie,
you're gonna need my help.
BUCKY:
There isn't gonna be a movie.
Dick Boeing hates it.
Yeah, I, I overheard.
(PAGER BEEPING)
Dick left his pager?
(DOOR THUDDING)
Vish, what happened?
June, there's a first-aid
kit in the garage.
Grab it!
Okay, bud, this is gonna hurt.
I'm so sorry.
I know, I know, I know.
It's okay, it's okay.
Come on, buddy. Hold on.
-(VISH GROANS)
-I know.
Shit!
()
Where is it?
(VISH COUGHS)
Vish, whoa!
(BODY THUMPING)
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
JUNE:
Bucky, I...
What?
Oh, buddy.
-(VISH COUGHING)
-(BLOOD SPLATTERING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
(BUCKY CRYING)
Who am I kidding?
I'm no director.
Never was, just a nobody kid.
Vish wouldn't want you to stop.
Don't you see, Bucky?
You can't let him
or your dad die in vain.
You've got a camera.
You've got zombies.
I mean, you could
make a killer movie.
Not according to Dick.
Some prick's opinion
doesn't mean squat.
Except, Dick was right
about one thing though.
You can't make a zombie
movie without blood.
MOM:
She's right, Bucky.
-Listen to her.
-Mom, I'm not a sellout.
Look, you can still make
the same movie, Bucky.
You just gotta sprinkle in,
like, a little bit of violence.
And come on, you heard Dick,
Hans is into genre now.
That's perfect.
Not only will Hans appreciate
some blood and guts,
he'll also recognize
your artistic vision.
MOM:
She's got a good point, Bucky.
It's interesting.
(VISH GROWLING)
But I don't know.
I'm on Dick's shitlist now.
There's no chance at Starwaltz.
JUNE:
Fuck Starwaltz!
MOM:
Yeah, fuck Starwaltz.
We've got Hans von Franz.
I know it's last minute,
Mister von Franz.
Dick sincerely apologizes.
But Starwaltz doesn't do special
screenings for just anyone.
It's a private world premiere.
Only for the most elite VIPs.
It's a private residence,
but the bar will
be fully stocked.
(JUNE CHUCKLING)
No, I don't drink.
Okay, Hans.
Well, I gotta bid you ado.
I'll arrange a taxi
for you Thursday night.
Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Ew.
Hans is gonna be
at the world premiere?
June, you've earned
yourself a producer credit.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
VIVIEN:
Sorry, Bucky.
But you know what they
say, better late than ugly.
What the fuck is she doing here?
I've decided to take
the role in a new direction.
So, June is gonna take over
your part.
I'm the star of this film,
you idiot.
She's a goddamn amateur.
You think I don't know
about your little secret?
Oh, yeah.
That zombie is your daddy.
I saw your family photo
on the wall, Bucky.
You must think I'm dumb
or something, huh?
I want that teeny bopper
tramp off the set,
or I'm calling the police.
Okay, Vivien, I don't think
there's a need for that.
-(TRANQUILIZER GUN WHIRRING)
-(VIVIEN GASPS)
(BODY THUMPING)
(TAPE RIPPING)
(WOMAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(FAKE BLOOD SLOSHING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
You must always call
when Vishnu sleeps over!
-BUCKY: Oh, hi--
-Where's Vishnu?
-BUCKY: He was just um--
-Mm-mm.
Vishnu.
Vishnu, we are late
to your cousin's wedding.
Ugh!
BUCKY:
He went to the store
for supplies.
MISS GUDI:
Vishnu!
Vishnu!
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
He, he should be
back in an hour.
Definitely too late for the
cousin's wedding or anything.
I can have him call
you later though.
(WOMAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
()
You lie.
Okay. Okay.
We, we were actually just
working on a scene with Vish.
You can come down,
but I wanna warn you,
he is fully in character,
so just don't be alarmed.
Your son is a very talented
actor, Miss Gudi,...
-...you should be very proud.
-Mm-mm, Vishnu!
(MISS GUDI SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hold this, Bucky.
Vishnu, Garena's
wedding is today.
Don't you remember?
Are you hungry?
We have to go
to the wedding, come on.
Come on.
Not Indian standard time.
-(BONE SNAPS)
-(MISS GUDI GASPS)
(BUCKY GAGGING)
No joking, Vishnu!
-(SEVERED ARM THUDDING)
-No joking, Vishnu!
We are late.
Come on, ugh!
Vishnu, come on!
Miss Gudi, please don't!
MISS GUDI:
You can eat at the wedding.
Come on, let's go.
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(MISS GUDI GASPS)
(MISS GUDI SCREAMING)
-(BLOOD SPRAYING)
-(ZOMBIE VISH GROANING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
(MISS GUDI SCREAMING CONTINUES)
()
()
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
And action.
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(ZOMBIE VISH CHOMPING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDDING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Cut!
(ZOMBIE VISH CHOMPS)
Action!
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDS)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GASPS)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
()
(VIVIEN SPITS)
Okay.
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
Okay, no, come here.
-Come here.
-You little shit!
(VIVIEN GRUNTING)
(GARAGE DOOR RATTLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
And action!
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDS)
(FAKE BLOOD SLOSHING)
(ZOMBIE VISH GAGGING)
(ZOMBIE VISH GARGLING)
And action.
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(BLOOD SPRAYING)
Cut.
(LIPS SMACKING)
(CLEANING SPRAY HISSING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
(BUCKY GAGGING)
(LIPS SMACKING)
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(EAR SQUISHING)
(EAR CRUNCHING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
What the hell is taking
this little boy so long.
Probably in there jacking off.
(FIST KNOCKING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
BUCKY:
Be right there!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLYING)
Detective Swan.
Is everything all right?
Evening there, Bucky.
Oh, everything's good.
Everything's fine.
I've just been in the
neighborhood 'cause Eileen
keeps barking about your dad
and it caught
the ear of my boss,
he just wanted me to stop by
one last time.
You know, just to dot the I's
and cross the T's as it were.
Of course.
You know Walter never called me.
Was you able to get
my number to him?
Yeah, I was.
Sorry he didn't call you back.
He can be kind of
a flake sometimes.
Uh-huh.
Bucky, would you eat a piece
of cake with shit in it?
I mean, a little
tiny piece of shit,
like an ant-sized turd?
-Um...
-Of course not,
because then
you'd be eating shit.
See, little tiny feces
will fuck up your whole meal.
Now, lying is the same way.
In the Holy Bible, it said,
"The smallest of sin can fuck
up a lifetime of good deeds."
That's why lying is like
eating shit inside of a cake.
Now, before we go any further,
is there something
you want to tell me, Bucky?
There actually is.
Um...
My dad didn't go
to Baton Rouge.
Is that so?
He's uh, he's in Vegas.
Oh, Las Vegas, Nevada?
How come he just didn't
go to Atlantic City?
He doesn't wanna run
into anyone he might know.
He's not exactly proud of
his gambling, detective.
Understandable.
()
(INSECTS CHIRRING)
(VIVIEN GROANING)
(VIVIEN WHINING)
()
(SPOON CLINKING)
(VIVIEN CACKLING)
()
()
(VIVIEN CACKLING)
()
Ah, fuck!
Fuck, fucker.
(VIVIEN CACKLING)
(VIVIEN GRUNTING)
-(BODY THUMPING)
-(VIVIEN GROANING)
(VIVIEN SNIFFING)
(TAPE TEARING)
Help!
Help!
Help! Help!
Yeah, everything
seems kosher here.
I'm just gonna wrap up
some little minor details
in my report and then
I'll get on out your hair.
Do you want some Bubble Puffs?
Oh no, I never touch the stuff.
I gotta watch my sugar.
So what day did
your daddy leave town?
Um, I think it was a Monday.
Monday?
No, no, wait,
it was a Wednesday.
-Wednesday.
-No, sorry.
Definitely Monday.
-Monday.
-Monday?
All right.
Do you know what hotel
he was staying at?
I do not, but when I was a kid
he used to take me
to the Pink Lady Motel.
I know the place.
We used to catch cockroaches,
tie tooth floss around them,
and walk 'em around
the room like pets.
Yeah, there's a lot of bugs
in that joint.
Mm-hmm.
-(PEN SCRIBBLING)
-(SPOON SCRAPING BOWL)
But,
Dad didn't mind the bugs.
He said the price
was just too good.
So you might wanna
try the Pink Lady.
All right, I surely will.
Did your dad exhibit any mental
problems the day he left?
No, not as far as I could tell.
He was just his
normal drunken self.
Chipper as a clam.
DETECTIVE SWAN:
Okay.
(PEN SCRIBBLING)
Did your daddy have any
outstanding medical conditions?
No.
I mean he's, he's had some gout
that's flared up
in the past.
Sent him to the hospital once,
but other than that, nothing.
Hmm, all right.
Well, I'm just gonna tidy up
the last bit of this
here report and I'ma go on
and relieve myself...
-...out your presence.
-Speaking of relief,
I should run to the bathroom.
-All right.
June.
June.
Speaking of hospitals,
I had to go to one last night.
I ran into the emergency room
and grabbed the first doctor
I seen.
I said, "Doc, you gotta help me.
I'm shrinking."
Doc told me, "Calm down.
Calm down.
You gotta get used to being
a little patient."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Get it?
-Yeah.
-Little patient.
-Yeah.
You got a bathroom
I could use?
Uh, the toilet's
clogged in this one,
but the one upstairs
works just fine.
Oh, I just gotta,
you know, wash my hands.
Think I got a little
pickle juice on it.
See, yeah.
Oh, excuse me.
Boy this toilet's nasty.
(LIGHT CLICKS)
(WATER SPLASHING)
(JUNE SIGHS)
What the hell?
Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.
Been bamboozled
by a snake in the grass.
Little lying son of a bitch.
You want to play, Bucky?
Let's play.
Oh, Bucky?
Bucky?
Bucky?
Bucky, I'm gonna take you up
on some of them cereals.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everything's good.
Look, my stomach's a rumbling.
I think I'm gonna
have a bowl of them,
what's the name of
them there cereals?
Actually, detective,
it's getting pretty late.
I was gonna turn
in for the night.
Oh man, come on now,
my stomach's a rumbling now.
You can't do me
like this, Bucky.
I, I eat fast.
I'll be out your hair
in just a second.
All right.
Yeah.
You know, I don't see any
crosses or crucifix around here.
I take it y'all wasn't
raised in the faith.
No.
You know, my parents weren't
into all that religious stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Romans, chapter 2, verse 7,
"To those who
by patience in well-doing
seek glory,
honor and immortality,
he will give thee eternal life."
(KNIFE CLICKING)
Eternal life.
The one thing everybody wants.
Unless of course
it's the bad kind of
eternal life.
Hell, and don't nobody
want a piece of that shit.
Bucky, I bet you don't even know
how bad Hell is, do you?
Boy, I wish that you
could hear my reverend,
Reverend Arnold.
He has a talent for describing
Satan's torments
to the nonbelievers
down in Hell.
I ain't gonna do him no justice,
but I'm gonna give you
the gist of it.
See, Hell, Hell is not
for the claustrophobic.
I mean, they are jam packed
down there.
They packed like sardines
in a can.
I mean, it's so crowded that
if a worm
crawled into your eyeball,
you wouldn't be able to lift
a finger to get it out.
Then there's the smell.
Imagine the smell of every
animal in the world's shit,
like monkey shit, elephant
shit, donkey shit,
dog shit, baby shit.
All at one place at one goddamn
time and it's in flames,
making the putrid smells
gonna hit your nostrils
and tear your lungs up.
But that unbreathable stench,
ain't the worst of it.
Nah, the worst part of Hell,
it's the burn.
The burn.
See, Hellfire,
it's different than normal fire.
See, normal fire consumes flesh.
God designed Hellfire
not to consume flesh,
but it consumes
your insides eternally.
Your brain's gonna
boil inside your skull,
but ain't a damn thing
you could do about it
'cause your arms don't move
'cause you jammed so
motherfucking tight in there.
Your heart is melting,
your intestines also melting.
You feel it all, see?
Because he leaves
all five senses on
to feel the pain eternally.
But he gave us a shot.
All we have to do
is accept Jesus Christ
as our Lord and Savior.
He'll let us avoid
all of that tormenting
and make it to Heaven.
Now, it's not too
late for you, Bucky.
You could save your soul.
All you gotta do is get on
your knees and beg Jesus Christ
for forgiveness
of all your sins.
Now, for those non-believers,
well, there is no salvation.
So, if your dad,
Walter, is dead,
well, you can best believe
your sweet little ass
that him and your mama are
burning in Hell together.
Uh-huh.
Make one move
and it's gonna be your last.
Now I suggest you take
that little toy gun
and you put it in that
basket of fruit over there.
Otherwise, I'm gonna blow your
motherfucking brains out.
That way you can see what
the fuck you thinking
is some bullshit.
You hear me, boy?
(VIVIEN GASPS)
-(THUNDER BOOMING)
-Help!
-(HAND THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
-Oh.
(BOTH GROANING)
(BUCKY GASPING)
You nasty little heathen.
(ZOMBIES GRUMBLING)
()
-(CHAINS RATTLING)
-(SEWAGE SLOSHING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER SNIFFING)
()
(ZOMBIE WALTER SNIFFING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUID SNIFFING)
(ZOMBIE VISH SNIFFING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GIGGLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER YELLING)
(CHAINS BREAKING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI YELLING)
(DOOR SLAMMING)
My knight in shining armor.
You need help with that
little twerp?
And who the fuck are you?
-(VIVIEN SNIFFING)
-Ugh.
Jenkem.
Jenkem.
(ZOMBIE WALTER YELLING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
(DETECTIVE SWAN SCREAMING)
MOM:
Bucky, run!
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROWLING)
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(TRANQUILIZER GUN WHIRRING)
BUCKY:
We gotta go!
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
Go, go, go, go, go!
-(DOOR SLAMMING)
-(LOCK CLICKING)
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
Really, Jenkem?
Bucky, that stuff isn't real.
You can't get high
off of sewage.
You can't, can you?
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GRUMBLING)
(WINDOW SHATTERING)
(BOOK THUDDING)
(JUNE COUGHING)
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(NECK SNAPPING)
-(BUCKY GRUNTING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
(CLEANING SPRAY HISSING)
(BODY THUMPING)
(JUNE COUGHING)
JUNE:
I'm calling for help.
Where's your phone?
It's the pickle.
(DIAL TONE RINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
-(BUCKY SIGHS)
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hans.
It's Hans.
-He actually came.
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
JUNE:
Hi. Hi.
Yes, we need help,
like, right now.
There's crazy people
on they're trying--
No, no, no.
-No!
-That was a bad joke, ma'am.
My sister, the prankster.
-Ha ha.
-No!
We are totally fine.
We need help!
There are people that
are trying to kill us.
-No, no, no, really, really.
-Yes!
You'll be here in 15 minutes?
Can you gimme 30?
-(DIAL TONE RINGING)
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll screen for Hans
in the garage.
It's a mess,
but it'll have to do.
We almost just died.
And you are thinking about Hans?
You only care about your movie.
BUCKY:
Now, June, we really both
don't need to go.
This is really a one man job.
-JUNE: You're right, Bucky.
-BUCKY: I'm glad you agree.
So just barricade
the door and I'll--
It's best if I go.
Hans was expecting a girl.
June, we're talking
about my legacy.
JUNE:
Legacies?
God, what a stupid concept.
You think Shakespeare
cares about his legacy?
No, 'cause he's six feet
underground, swallowing dirt.
All the praise in the world
don't mean diddly to a dead guy.
And if you think all these
great artists' work is timeless,
you're wrong.
Every play, every book,
every movie, one day,
they'll all just disappear
along with every freaking
atom in the universe.
Nothing lasts forever,
Bucky, not even legacies.
Noted. Thanks.
Fine, I'll--
I'll guard the door
while you schmooze with Hans.
No, June, it's too dangerous.
Bucky, we'll be safer together.
June, you're staying here!
It's just, I mean, I--
I couldn't bear
the thought of...
What if something
happened to you?
I'm sorry, June,
it's safer this way.
(TRANQUILIZER GUN WHIRRING)
()
(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)
()
(INSECTS CHIRRING)
(DOOR THUDDING)
(STAIRS CREAKING)
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
-(THUNDER BOOMING)
-(BUCKY SCREAMS)
(BUCKY SIGHING)
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLS)
(BUCKY GASPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTE YELLING)
-(BUCKY SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GURGLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
No, no, no.
Hans, wait!
(BUCKY GIGGLING)
Hans, wait!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Come on, Dad.
Let go of my leg!
-(BUCKY GRUNTS)
-(FOOT THUDDING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANS)
-Whoa!
-(BODY THUMPING)
(BUCKY GROANING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
Wait, Hans.
Mister von Franz,
welcome to my world premiere.
It is a huge honor
to have you here.
Huge.
Where is Richard, huh?
Where's this delicious girl
I was talking to earlier?
Well, I actually just
spoke to both of them
and they are unfortunately
running late.
But Dick wanted me to get
this show on the road anyway.
-Uh-huh.
-Come right this way.
We're gonna be going
to our private theater...
-...for the screening.
-Okay, very well.
-(CLOTH SQUEAKING)
-(STATIC BUZZING)
()
()
JUNE (ON TV):
A male and female engage
in a love ritual we call sex.
We'll get to that
lesson in a bit.
-No, Zeddy!
- (ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
Being human begins
at the dinner table.
(WHIP SNAPPING)
Anybody home?
She's about as useless
as tits on a bull.
Enough!
-(BUCKY MOUTHING)
- The only good zombie...
...is a dead zombie.
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(ZOMBIES GROWLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUNTS)
-(BAT THUDDING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANS)
-(BAT THUDDING)
-(ZOMBIE VISH GROANS)
Dad?
You saved me.
All my life, I've been looked
at as nothing more than,
than a worthless hillbilly.
Humanity a-lurking
in my tender heart.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I know I ain't
been the best son.
I guess, my cold heart and
your dead heart are the same.
All we need is blood.
()
(BUCKY CRYING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(BONES CRACKING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
()
(LIPS SMACKING)
(ZOMBIES GROWLING)
(JUNE GRUNTS)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
(ZOMBIE VISH CHOMPING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDDING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(CHAIN RATTLING)
()
And...
Cut!
()
(HANS APPLAUDING)
Bravo. Bravo.
Herr Bucky, simply stupendous.
And this ending...
What is the meaning
of this last shot?
Don't tell me.
I know, I know.
You want to remind the
audience that life itself
is like a movie and
therefore an illusion.
I'm right, yes?
I just thought it
was a cool final shot.
Ah, don't be so modest, Bucky.
And these long, slow,
beautiful zooms.
How did you think of the zooms?
Brilliant.
You really like it?
I didn't think that you would
be into the drama since,
you know,
your next picture's a horror.
Me, making a horror movie?
(HANS CHUCKLING)
HAN:
What a vile rumor.
Hans von Franz would
never make trash
to entertain
the plebeian idiots.
For you it's different,
of course, it's forgiven.
I know the rule
of this festival.
You see very few artists
have the je ne sais quoi .
You and I are the rare birds,
my dear Herr Bucky.
We possess the "it" factor.
So, forget Starwaltz.
I want to introduce you
to my producer.
He knows how to work
and develop auteurs.
You see, a young artist
needs to be like a seed,
watered very carefully if it
is to grow into a mighty tree,
a tree that will
last for generations.
So, come.
We should discuss this
together over a warm meal
in whatever your little
village calls fine dining.
-Yeah, come.
-(GARAGE DOOR RATTLING)
Herr Bucky,
what are you waiting for?
()
HANS:
Herr Bucky, what is the matter?
BUCKY:
June!
What's in these things?
I feel great.
Wait a second.
Did you shoot me?
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROWLING)
Ah, my zombie star.
(NECK CRACKING)
Ah, my god.
For such a pitiful role,
you were fantastic.
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROWLING)
I see still in character,
I understand.
That's true dedication.
The mark of a true artist.
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI YELLING)
-(HANS GASPS)
-(BODY THUMPING)
You shot me.
You shot me.
-(HAND SLAPPING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
Not that I--
not that I wouldn't do it again.
'Cause that stuff
was pretty good.
June, I've been a damn fool.
I'm sorry.
You were right about everything.
But I'm through with it all.
No more hoity-toity art.
No more chasing
critics or awards.
I'm done.
What about Hans?
-What about your legacy?
-Screw Hans.
And screw my legacy.
Why chase immortality
when being with you
kind of feels like
I already have it.
So what do you say?
Let's team up,
if we survive all this.
Just imagine, June and Bucky,
the unstoppable duo
of B-Grade cinema.
(DOOR CRACKING)
(ZOMBIE GROANING)
Why wait?
We're not gonna get better
zombies than these.
Let's make some chicken salad.
()
()
()
()
(FLESH SQUISHING)
()
(JET SHATTERING)
()
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(EYEBALLS SLOSHING)
(BAT CRACKING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
()
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(URN SHATTERING)
()
()
-(FOOT THUDDING)
-(NECK SNAPPING)
()
(FAKE BLOOD SPLASHING)
(HAND SIZZLING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(DISTORTED RADIO MUSIC)
(ZOMBIE VIVIEN GROWLING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE VIVIEN GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE VIVIEN GROANING)
()
(EYEBALLS SQUEAKING)
(EYEBALLS SQUISHING)
Wait!
Hans deserves a better death.
Come on.
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
-(THUNDER BOOMING)
-(DISCO MOVIE PLAYS)
You keep on dancing
through the night
(ZOMBIE HANS CHUCKLING)
You've gotta find
a better way
You've gotta do the,
do the, do the, do the
Boogaloo
(TURTLE SQUISHING)
Boogaloo
Hey!
(TAPE RIPPING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(ENGINE RUMBLING)
Perfect.
(ZOMBIE HANS CHOMPING)
-(TURTLE SQUEAKING)
-(ZOMBIE HANS GROANING)
(TURTLE SQUEAKING)
You tell me
That you love me
-(BLOOD SPLASHING)
- Can I believe you
(ZOMBIE HANS GAGGING)
When I know you
Better than you
know yourself
(ZOMBIE HANS SCREAMING)
So never, never, never,
Say forever, ever, ever
If you know
you're gonna tear me apart
And never, never, never
Say forever, ever, ever
If you think
you're gonna break my heart
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GURGLING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
You know I know
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS YELLING)
All about you
My friends been...
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
Spartacus.
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GURGLING)
I think our climax is climaxing.
(DOOR CRACKING)
(PANTS RIPPING)
(DOOR CRACKING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(ZOMBIE WALTE YELLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
Ah shit.
-(BUCKY GASPS)
-(TABLE CRASHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(TASER ZAPPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTE YELLING)
-(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
-(BUCKY GAGGING)
(TASER ZAPPING)
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
()
(BUCKY GASPS)
-(ENGINE RUMBLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER SCREAMING)
(BODIES THUMPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(TASER ZAPPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
(BODY THUMPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
(BUCKY WHISTLES)
()
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS SCREECHING)
-(BANANA THUDDING)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
Come on, buddy.
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
Okay.
Whoa!
Ow.
(BUCKY GROANING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
()
-(FISTS THUDDING)
-(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUNTS)
(BUCKY GASPS)
Dad?
Dad!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUNTS)
I knew you were still in there.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
Dad, you wanna help me
finish my movie?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
Just like that.
Don't move an inch, okay?
All right, Dad, you ready?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
And...
Action!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
-(BUCKY GRUNTS)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
()
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
Spartacus, you were a good boy.
And Hans,
I know you're still in there.
So suck my balls!
(GUNSHOTS BANGING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
()
()
()
(JUNE PANTING)
June!
()
()
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
()
()
(SIRENS WAILING)
()
()
And...
Cut!
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
(STATIC BUZZING)
We probably have a few minutes
until the battery's charged.
Do you wanna?
(VISH SIGHS)
This is good for our acting.
It keeps us focused.
Living in the moment.
Every moment is a new
and exciting moment.
Ah.
-That was great.
-(STATIC BUZZING)
(INSECTS CHIRRING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
()
()
()
-(TORCH CRACKLING)
-(OWL HOOTING)
(CAVEMAN SNIFFING)
()
(OWL HOOTING)
()
()
(ROCK SIZZLING)
(OWL HOOTING)
()
(CAVEMAN GROANING)
(CAVEMAN SCREAMING)
(CAVEMAN GAGGING)
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROWLING)
(JOYFUL FLUTE MUSIC)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROANING)
(CAVEWOMAN GIGGLING)
(CAVEWOMAN MOCKINGLY GROANING)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROANING)
(TEETH CRUNCHING)
(CAVEWOMAN GASPING)
(FLESH CRUNCHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(FIST THUDDING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROANING)
(BODY THUMPING)
(CAVEWOMAN CRYING)
(FLUTE WHISTLING)
(CAVEWOMAN SCREAMING)
()
(SKULL SQUISHING)
(ZOMBIE CAVEMAN GROWLING)
(STATIC BUZZING)
()
(BUCKY LAUGHING)
(LEAVES CRUNCHING)
(WALTER CHUCKLING)
()
()
()
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
BUCKY:
Hey, buddy.
Who's a good boy, Spartacus?
You're a good boy.
Oh, yes you are.
(LIPS SMACKING)
Here you go, pal.
(BANANA SQUISHING)
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(BODY THUMPING)
NEWS REPORTER (ON TV):
What's in store
for the evening?
(BUCKY SIGHS)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
Well, for this evening
it's going to be cold.
For this weekend, a high
pressure front will give us
crystal clear skies,
perfect viewing conditions
for tomorrow's meteor shower.
All you have to do
is look straight up
and you'll see one of the
best meteor showers of the year.
(BUCKY GROANS)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
You'll see about one
meteor per minute.
- And if you can get away...
-(WALTER COUGHING)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
...from city lights into
a more rural area,
you will get an
even better view.
Meanwhile,
for the rest of the
valley,
you can expect clear
skies and calm winds
from the southeast.
(LEAVES CRUNCHING)
MOM:
Careful, Bucky, never
mess with a sleeping dragon.
(WALTER YELLING)
I got you, I got you!
-(WALTER CHUCKLING)
-(BUCKY SCREECHING)
(WALTER BARKING)
The button by your thumb,
that starts and stops.
(MOM GIGGLING)
This is so cool.
-Ah!
- (WALTER GROWLING)
-I...love...you.
-I...love...you.
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
So today it was 68
in Point Valley.
(WALTER SNORING)
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
It was 66 in Malligan.
65 in Porterville.
MOM:
Hey, Buckaroo.
Chin up.
He just misses me, that's all.
I know, Mom.
I know, it's just,
can't you work some ghost
shit on him or something?
Turn him back into the old Dad.
MOM:
Bucky, it's a process.
All Dad needs is a little time.
You have to be patient
with him.
I tried to show him
my footage the other day.
Do you know what he said to me?
He said, I should
focus more on school
and less on make believe.
MOM:
Patience, Bucky.
(BUCKY SIGHS)
MOM:
Patience.
- Hey, Buckaroo?
-Yeah, Ma?
MOM:
Your shoe's untied.
Oh, no, Mom, I'm not falling
for that one again.
(FIST KNOCKING)
Vish, we got a package?
Oh, what is it?
METEOROLOGIST (ON TV):
...broadcast
right here on WKJK.
Oh, you scallywag!
I'm gonna get you next time.
Come on.
()
BUCKY:
Jenkem is a gas produced
by fermented human waste.
Addicts crack open
sewage lines to inhale
the powerful hallucinogens,
and the effects send users
into a dangerous rage.
One woman says,
"Bigfoot had me hooked
after just one sniff."
(TOILET FLUSHING OVERHEAD)
Okay, man.
I'm telling you,
this stuff is real.
You know my dad
saw Bigfoot once?
(STATIC BUZZING)
Dost thou confuseth me
for a hedge-born raggabrash?
Taketh my flock, plucketh
my harvest, haveth my fortune,
but my deeds?
No, my Lord, you may never
taint my good deeds.
All Earthly things
turn to dust,
but one's legacy lives on
in the halls of eternity!
(PEASANT SNIFFING)
You reeketh of mortality,
my Lord.
In my village, we have a name
for men like you.
You, my Lord, are a fopdoodle.
(HAND SLAPPING)
Cut!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Cut!
Hey, look, Vish,
you were great.
You were really great.
I promise.
But this time I need you to
really like whack me full force.
Otherwise, it's gonna look fake.
Okay?
Come on, man, are you ready?
Okay, listen, I'm gonna be fine.
Pain is temporary.
-(HAND SLAPPING)
-See?
Fine.
But film, film is forever.
Okay?
All right.
(BUCKY TRILLING)
(BUCKY HOLLERING)
(BUCKY DEEPLY INHALES)
Action!
-(HAND THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANING)
Awesome!
Oh, that was so good, Vish.
Let's do one more
just so we have some options
in the edit.
What are you telling me?
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
GURU:
Picture yourself
in a tropical rainforest.
Imagine you are now a panther.
Panther power.
Strong, calm, relax, relax.
CASTING DIRECTOR:
You're up, June.
This way, honey.
The snarling werewolf backs
you into a corner, literally,
emotionally, metaphorically.
The situation, dire.
The suspense, agonizing.
But you're the hero.
You dig down in the
core of your being
and scream like a banshee
thrusting the dagger
into the beast's heart.
Got it?
Great, let's roll, Hal.
Oh,
you're, you're taping this?
Yes, honey,
we film every audition.
Don't worry, it stays private.
Okay, everybody,
let's roll, Hal.
-(CAMERA BEEPS)
-And action.
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
Action.
Poor little thing
has stage fright.
Cut.
God, if I have to see one
more pathetic amateur.
I mean, are you trying
to waste my time?
Or you just have no
one of actual quality?
This is abysmal.
No offense.
(HEELS CLICKING)
CASTING DIRECTOR:
Oh, wait, darling.
Wait up, wait up, wait, wait.
Look, honey, I know this
audition stuff is scary,
and he can be an asshole,
but making an actual
movie is even worse.
What you need
is exposure therapy.
You gotta spend time
on a film set.
Take any job.
Coffee girl, hair, makeup,
girl Friday, whatever.
Get comfortable in that
filmmaking environment,
then ain't no nerves
gonna stop you.
Okay, honey?
You gotta face for film.
I know these things.
All right,
we'll catch you next time.
()
()
()
(MAILBOX THUDDING)
(LETTERS RUSTLING)
No, no, no, no.
Oakmont.
Okay, okay.
All right.
"Thank you for submitting
"Drops of Dew"
to the fourth annual
Oakmont Film Festival.
We have the very difficult task
of choosing from hundreds of
submissions, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Unfortunately,
your film was not selected.
Though it had its merits,
the story was bogged
down by a dry plot,
nauseating monologues
and ostentatious platitudes."
What?
The world just wasn't
ready for "Drops of Dew."
But did Picasso give up when
the critics called him crazy?
I mean, did Van Gogh quit
when he couldn't sell
a single painting?
Exactly, Vish!
And neither will we.
So it's onward and upward.
Aha, Vish.
I present our next masterpiece.
It's not just a drama,
it's a drama within a drama.
Poof.
It doesn't have a title and
it could use a few rewrites,
but I think it could be our
ticket out of this crappy town.
Oh, a local film festival.
Starwaltz.
$2,000 grand prize.
Man, we could make a kickass
film with that kind of cash.
This year's annual theme is...
...horror.
All submissions must
be in the horror genre.
We're not doing popcorn
entertainment, man.
I'm going for longevity.
In 500 years,
no one's gonna remember some
B-grade monster flick.
-But dramas, those have legs.
-(VISH CRUNCHING PICKLE)
I mean, classic cinema,
Greek tragedy, Shakespeare,
those are the kind of
things that live on.
All right, we are gonna
need a top-notch actress
for this project.
Can you put out
an ad for auditions?
Female, late 30s, no, early 40s.
Theater experience is preferred.
And we have auditions on Sunday.
Right.
You can say the film pays
40 bucks
plus 5% of the gross
after taxes.
3:00 p.m. Sunday.
You posted this at
both theaters, right?
What about the message
board at the corner store?
How about cafes?
Dang.
Well, dang.
You know, it's probably
just church traffic.
We should give it another hour.
(VISH SNIFFING)
We should have offered
more percentage points.
What?
()
What?
Whoa, don't touch it!
It might have space AIDS.
Last night I saw a flying
object that couldn't have
possibly been from this planet.
(UFO ROARING)
TV NARRATOR (ON TV):
There comes
a time in each man's life,
when he can't even
believe his own eyes.
(DOOR OPENING)
Guys, guys, come on.
I'm trying to watch the TV.
Dad, where's the rest
of your magazines?
Oh, the attic.
TV NARRATOR (ON TV):
Flying saucers
seen over Hollywood.
I feel a breeze.
Why might I feel a breeze,
one would ask.
I don't know, Walter,
why would you feel a breeze?
I don't know, maybe Bucky
didn't close the door!
Bingo!
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
(BUCKY GASPS)
(WATER SPITS)
(ROCK SIZZLING)
(ROCK CRACKLING)
(WALTER GROANING)
(WALTER GROANING)
(WALTER SCREAMING)
()
Dad?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
()
Dad?
You didn't touch
the rock, did you?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(DOOR BANGS)
Okay.
(DOOR CREAKING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
-(BUCKY GASPS)
Vish, wait!
I got this.
Dad.
It's me, your son, Bucky.
You know, Buckster?
Buckarino, Buckaroo?
It's me, Dad.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
See?
He remembers.
-(HAND THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
(TRANQUILIZER GUNSHOT WHIRRING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
(NOOSE SNAPS)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Anything?
(BUCKY PANTING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
We need to call the police.
-(FIST KNOCKING)
-JUNE: Hello?
Oh crap, the auditions.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
The audition's canceled.
JUNE:
Actually, I'm not here
for the audition.
I just wanna be an assistant.
I'll brew coffee,
butter bagels, whatever.
Here's my resume.
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-Fine, whatever.
You're hired.
Thanks for stopping by.
We'll be in touch.
So what kinda movie is this?
Please don't tell me
it's some artsy fartsy drama.
Artsy fartsy drama?
Oh, so I suppose
you'd prefer if it was some
schlocky horror flick?
So it is an artsy fartsy drama?
Hmm, great.
You know what,
on second thought,
I don't think
you're right for this film.
I need a crew who actually
appreciates real art.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Your star has arrived.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The audition's off.
We have to reschedule.
Reschedule?
No, I didn't do four hours of
hair and makeup to reschedule.
Okay?
Don't worry, this'll be quick.
Hey, you,
can you get me a water?
Preferably the bubbly kind.
No, you don't have any?
Or no you don't
wanna get it for me?
Speak up!
Uh, ma'am, my friend is mute,
and we don't have
any bubbly water.
What did he get
dropped on his head
as a baby or something?
Okay, we really don't
have time right now, so--
I'm sorry, what did you
say your name was again?
He didn't.
No one asked you, sweetheart.
Anyways,
what I was gonna say is,
it's just gonna take a few
minutes to see my chops.
You got a few minutes
for my talents, don't ya?
Oh my!
-Oh!
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
You didn't say this
was a zombie movie.
Is this my costar?
Geez, what a hunk.
Vivien Vance, charmed.
-(TEETH CHOMPING)
-Oh, god!
Woo, somebody's really
into their role.
You know, I always
admired method actors.
I don't suppose I can get
you to break character
and grab a drink
with me tonight, eh?
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
-(VIVIEN GIGGLING)
You're so fun.
Oh!
(VIVIEN GASPS)
You know, I thought
this was a drama,
but I can do scary movies too.
I've been told I have the
best scream in the business.
Do you wanna hear it?
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
It's pretty good, right?
I'm calling the police.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(DIAL TONE RINGING)
OPERATOR (ON PHONE):
Operator.
Hello, operator.
Can you get me
the police department?
OPERATOR (ON PHONE):
One moment.
Thanks.
Vish, do you remember
that festival
you told me about, Starwaltz?
They added a new prize.
The winner gets
an apprenticeship
with Hans von Franz
on his next film.
DISPATCH (ON PHONE):
Hampton Bay Police Department.
How may I direct your call?
Hans von Fricking Franz!
HOST:
You once said, and I quote,
"That life is short.
Art is long, but Hans
von Franz is forever."
What does that
mean to you, Hans?
I create movies for
audiences of the future.
Why?
Because I want my art
to live forever.
The legacy of my films
is immortal.
Therefore, I, the artist,
am also immortal.
Hans von Franz will never die.
DISPATCH (ON PHONE):
Police department, hello?
-(BUCKY GASPS)
-OPERATOR (ON PHONE): Hello?
(LIGHTER CLICKING)
We have to win Starwaltz.
-(VIVIEN EXHALING DEEPLY)
-(JUNE COUGHING)
Right, it's gotta be
a horror flick.
Well, if it means breaking
into the industry
and meeting Hans...
No, no, no.
Even if we wanted
to be sellouts, I mean,
we don't have the budget
for a horror movie.
Do you know how much it
costs to make a good monster?
(ZOMBIE WALTER WHEEZING)
Put my dad in the movie?
Are you insane?
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
VIVIEN:
Wow.
He's really into his role.
Oh, that's hot.
MOM:
Hey, Bucky.
Don't you remember what
I told you about chicken salad?
Chicken salad?
VIVIEN:
Hey, boys.
Yeah, I, I ain't got all day.
You wanna see these
chops or what?
When life gives
you chicken shit,
you turn it into chicken salad.
That's not how the saying goes.
Huh?
Vivien, you've got the role.
Oh my god!
I knew it.
I knew it!
Ah, I got the role.
Ooh, I got it.
Yay.
BUCKY:
Get some beauty rest.
'Cause we start bright
and early tomorrow.
Festival submissions
are in a few days.
We have to work fast!
You know, I really think you
should reconsider hiring me.
-(EAR SQUISHING)
-See you tomorrow.
(BUCKY GAGGING)
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Frick!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
I mean, do you know
how many directors
launched their careers
with horror films?
We're still making a drama.
It's just a drama that happens
to have a zombie in it.
It's a new genre.
A zombie drama.
A zomdrom.
(BUCKY SIGHS)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
-(BUCKY SIGHS)
All right, Dad, I really
need your help on this one.
Don't think of it as acting.
Just stand there and be...this.
Okay, Dad?
Deal?
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(CHAIN RATTLING)
-BUCKY: Thanks.
-JUNE: I knew it.
I knew this stuff
wasn't just folklore.
I wonder how many other
zombies have existed?
They say that Jesus
rose from the grave.
Was he a zombie?
And what about the virus?
Intergalactic bacteria doesn't
just come from nowhere.
That means that somewhere
there's an entire planet filled
with undead lifeforms.
Wow.
What are you doing?
I've used this recipe before.
It works great.
Super realistic for blood.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not making your
average horror flick.
I'm doing something
new with the genre.
A zombie film with
artistic principles.
A zomdrom, no gore, no blood.
This is the first movie
in the history of mankind
to have a real zombie in it,
and you're gonna water it
down with artistic principles?
Where's the fun in that?
(DOOR OPENING, SLAMMING SHUT)
You're never gonna believe
who I met last night.
Dick Boeing, President
of Starwaltz.
Did you tell him
about our film?
Oh, I told him all right.
Yeah, I told him real good.
So good, in fact, that he wants
to visit our set tomorrow.
That's huge, Vivien!
Huge!
Huge!
I mean, if Dick sees
our film, he'll be dazzled.
-And if Dick is dazzled,...
-(VIVIEN SNIFFS)
...then I mean,
we're a guaranteed
shoe-in for Starwaltz.
(BUCKY GASPS)
Did Dad hit the camera?
(BUCKY SIGHS)
All right.
Here goes.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
We're back in business.
It's zooming in on its own.
Hang on.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
Come on.
-(CAMERA WHIRRING)
-BUCKY: Still zooming.
(HAND TAPPING)
What a piece of junk.
Hey, it's okay, man.
Shit happens.
Shit happens.
Shit.
Chicken shit.
We're gonna turn this
into chicken salad.
We'll make our official
cinematic style zooming.
Every shot in the
movie will have a zoom.
I mean, the judges at
Starwaltz will eat it up.
They'll think it's like
a bold, creative choice.
Star.
Smile.
(VIVIEN INHALES DEEPLY)
Strong.
Call action.
Oh, okay, ma'am.
And action.
Mother didn't raise us
as savages.
You shan't treat
a lady this way.
Now listen here, little muffin.
You think you're the cat's
meow, but I got news for you.
Ms. Vance, just play your part.
How fucking cute.
This must be your first time
working with
a professional actress.
To really get into the story,
sometimes us pros like
to read both parts.
Ain't that right, hot stuff?
(BLOWS KISS)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER CHOMPS)
-Oh, stop.
-No.
-Okay, Vivien,
that's just not how
I'm used to working.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you the one up here
bearing your soul
in front of a camera
for the whole world to see?
Huh, are you?
Okay,
let's just try it again.
(BUCKY SNIFFLES)
And action.
The shame, my brother,
your unmannerliness
makes father fidget
in his grave.
If that zombie ain't
outta here by dawn,
I'll take 'em out
myself, in pieces.
(VIVIEN SIGHS)
Cut.
(VIVIEN SIGHS)
That's good.
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
-(BLOOD DRIPPING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
(CHAIN RATTLING)
Ooh, Vish.
Ah, careful, buddy.
That's a sewage line.
You bust that baby open,
we'll be swimming in Jenkem.
VIVIEN:
Bucky, yoo-hoo.
I'm ready.
All right.
Places everybody.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
Perfect.
And action.
Matter ain't dead.
Every atom in the universe
is alive and dancing;
trees, rivers,
rocks, even zombies.
Too much.
Bring it down.
Zombies ain't evil.
It's like Shakespeare said,
"There ain't nothing
good or bad about it,
but it's, it's thinking
that makes it so."
Less theatrical, Vivien.
But I know how to wake up
sleeping hearts!
Less, Vivien, less.
Brother, you're no different
than a zombie.
Your heart is fast asleep.
Too little, Vivien.
-It needs to have impact.
-(VIVIEN SCOFFS)
For crying out loud,
less, more, big, small.
I don't know what the
fuck you fucking want!
Where the fuck are my smokes?
Let's cut.
Hey, Vish.
Come check out this shot.
I want your opinion.
What do you think
of the framing?
Any thoughts?
You like it?
(BUCKY GIGGLING)
No, but seriously,
what do you think of the shot?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
BUCKY:
And action.
Action means swing the bat, Dad.
Action.
Action.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
Cut.
-JUNE: Bucky.
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
I think I have something
that might help.
(TASER ZAPPING)
We are not torturing him.
He's still my dad.
JUNE:
That's not your dad anymore.
Zombies are
completely brain dead.
They can't feel pain.
It's like a--
it's like anesthesia except,
well, it's permanent.
(BUCKY SIGHS)
Action.
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
()
(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)
EILEEN (ON PHONE):
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, it's a voicemail.
Walter, it's me, Eileen.
I assume
you're not feeling well,
but you gotta give us a heads
up when you take a sick day.
God, you got me all worried.
Anyways, rest up.
And if you got a cough,
try gurgling some salt water.
The saltier the better.
All right, well,
call me when you can.
-(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)
-BUCKY: Cut.
All right, let's just
do one more, Vivien.
Geez, Bucky,
don't you have it already?
We have to get this right.
It doesn't feel authentic yet.
If I don't believe it,
then the audience won't.
Oh, authentic?
Okay, I'll show you authentic.
BUCKY:
That's the spirit, Vivien.
All right, settle.
And action.
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
BUCKY:
Cut.
Cut.
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
BUCKY:
Cut!
Cut!
Son of a gun, cut!
Vivien, you're too dramatic.
Vivien, tone it down a notch.
Vivien this, Vivien that.
Who does he think he is?
I'm not a circus pony,
I'm an actress.
She's undirectable.
I mean, how do I direct
somebody who's undirectable?
(BUCKY SCOFFS)
June?
June, where are you going?
What are you doing?
June?
Oh.
Was I sleepwalking again?
(JUNE YAWNS)
I'll be darned.
I can't believe I missed it.
I want you to act in my film.
Yeah, okay.
June.
June, I'm serious.
You'd be perfect for the role.
JUNE:
You couldn't pay me to work
alongside that nutty hag.
BUCKY:
No, not with Vivien.
Instead of Vivien.
I mean she can't act her
way out an invisible bag.
If you're in,
I'll fire her tomorrow.
JUNE:
I can't be your actress.
Well, why the heck not?
I mean, acting's easy.
Anyone can do it, except
Vivien apparently.
JUNE:
I don't do well with cameras.
I freeze up.
I've tried everything.
Homeopathic, hypnotherapy.
Nothing works.
Have you tried cats?
I call her Pickles.
She likes to cuddle cameras.
It's not so scary if all you see
is a kitty cat, huh?
You wouldn't know good acting
if it bit you in the ass.
Look, Vivien, I understand
that you're upset, but--
No, I know what the problem is.
It's that teeny bopper June.
She's always staring at me and
trying to get into my head.
I'm under psychic attack, Bucky.
I want her gone.
Vivien, I'm sure
that's not her intention.
The two of you just
have different energies,
and I promise I will keep
you in mind for future roles.
-Future roles?
-BUCKY: Yeah.
(VIVIEN SCOFFS)
Wow, mm-hmm.
Well, so much for Starwaltz.
(LIGHTER CLICKING)
Don't!
You can keep the part.
That's what I thought.
See you at rehearsal.
(WATER SPLASHING)
(STOVE TOP CLICKING)
(BUCKY GROANING)
JUNE:
Need a hand?
I, um, I've been thinking
about the acting business
that we were talking
about last night and--
I've been thinking
about it too.
And as much as I hate to say it,
you wrote a pretty
fun character.
I actually think I could
really nail this role.
So, I have a couple ideas
that I wanted to run by you.
If now's a good time?
I decided to go with Vivien.
As much as I hate to admit it,
she's my ticket to Starwaltz.
I just need to be
more patient with her.
I mean, she'll find
her groove eventually.
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
And I know that you
didn't wanna work on
some artsy fartsy drama
for your whole break,
so, I appreciate the sandwiches,
but you're free to go.
(TOP POPPING)
June, June, please.
Come on.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Bucky, I feel lost.
How am I supposed
to talk with Walter
if he's always in
fucking character?
I need to be able to talk
with him, actor to actor.
I understand, Vivien.
I'll see what I can do.
(CHAIN RATTLING)
Dad, come on.
I know you're in there.
Dad, please give me a sign.
Something, anything.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
I guess June was right.
(BUCKY SNIFFLES)
Okay.
-BUCKY: I talked to him.
-And?
-BUCKY: He broke character.
-(VIVIEN GASPS)
He broke character?
Well what'd he say?
He said he can either
act like a zombie
or he can be a zombie.
I said, "You're right."
It's better for the
film if he stays dead.
Wow.
What a professional.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(FIST KNOCKING)
Mr. Boeing.
It's a pleasure,
a real pleasure.
-Where's Vivien?
-VIVIEN: Pumpkini!
-Ah!
-(VIVIEN GASPS)
(DICK GROWLING)
Well, hello my little Pooshi.
Listen, I can't stay long, babe.
I gotta go meet the old ball
and chain in a half hour.
No.
Ahem, Mr. Boeing.
Welcome to our humble
little movie set.
I don't have a title yet,
but it's a serious drama
about the human condition.
When I first conceived
of the theme--
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cut to the chase, kid.
Okay, well if you follow me,
we're about to shoot a scene
that I think you'll find very--
(PAGER BEEPING)
Ah, shit.
It's that damn German, Hans.
Where's your phone, kid?
()
And the blue fairy gave
Pinocchio the gift of life.
She gave him a conscience.
And from that day forth,
Pinocchio was a real boy.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
You can be a real boy too, Zed.
-(BUCKY MOUTHING)
-VIVIEN: I believe in you...
...with every fiber of my being.
Are you ready for your tennis
lesson now, Zeddy dear?
There you go.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
Is this supposed to be a comedy?
VIVIEN:
Little higher.
Very good.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Cut, cut.
Detective Moses T. Swan.
You must be a, Bucky Le Boeuf.
-BUCKY: Le Boeuf?
-Le Boeuf, yeah.
That's, all right, Le Boeuf.
I was here to see your dad,
Mr. Walter.
He wouldn't happen
to be here, would he?
No, unfortunately he's not.
He took a mental health vacation
down south to Baton Rouge.
Baton Rouge?
Well, good for him.
I'm here on the count of
a good friend of mine, Eileen.
She work down at the county
with your dad.
She was thinking about doing
a missing person report.
And I had to tell her, I said,
"Now, girl,
you calm on down now.
There's probably a simple
explanation for all this."
Yeah, I'm sorry that
he forgot to call.
He was in a real rush.
Said he was excited for some
fluffy Louisiana beignets.
Beignets, yeah.
I'm missing some goddamn
beignets my damn self.
-Well.
-Look, detective,
it's late and I was just
getting ready to...
-...turn in for the night, so--
-Oh, it's all right.
It's all right.
I'm gonna tell Eileen to just
go on and take a chill pill.
Oh, you wouldn't happen
to have the number
to your dad's hotel, would you?
I don't, but if you
leave me your number,
I'll have him call
as soon as he calls me.
(PEN SCRIBBLING)
(PAPER TEARING)
Okie dokey, Bucky.
-Have a good night.
-You do the same.
-(DOOR SLAMMING)
-(BUCKY SIGHS)
VIVIEN:
Zeddy, no!
If you live by the sword,
you're gonna die by the sword!
(TASER ZAPPING)
-(BAT THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
Okay.
Arrivederci, everybody.
Mr. Boeing, where are you going?
We're about to shoot
the big monologue.
Kid, this is a snooze fest, huh?
My audiences want blood,
guts, not monologues.
-Sweetheart.
-Cookie only comes out...
...to play if Pumpkini
gets us into Starwaltz.
Babe, you were great.
But Starwaltz is in the red.
I need to sell tickets, tickets.
Not bore audiences to sleep.
This is the kind of movie
that needs time
for its themes to develop.
-I mean, my vision--
-Kid, kid!
I don't give a rat's ass
about your themes.
What you need is action,
violence.
For example,
your character should
blow the zombie's head off.
But before pulling the trigger,
you should say something
real cool like,
"Hey, zombie, suck my balls."
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
Eh, shit like that.
You can have that
one for free kid.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
But Dick, Mr. Boeing,
I thought you'd
appreciate real art.
I mean, you're working with
a true artist, Hans von Franz.
Ha!
That crazy kraut?
The only reason
he's helping Starwaltz,
is to drum of publicity
for his next horror flick.
That's not possible.
I mean, Hans von Franz would
never make a horror film.
Well, kid, believe it and weep,
Hans is making a slasher.
Page me, babe.
I appreciate the notes,
Mr. Boeing.
I will take another
crack at the script.
Kid, there's an old saying
you ought to know,
"You cannot make chicken
salad outta chicken shit."
That's not the saying.
It's "You can make chicken
salad out of chicken shit."
Who told you that?
That's disgusting.
Look, kid, I'm sorry,
but your film's a bust.
Except for the zooms.
The zooms were great.
VIVIEN:
Pumpkini, wait for me!
Pumpkini, I'm coming!
Pumpkini, wait!
-(CHAIN RATTLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER CHOMPING)
Ooh lady
BUCKY:
June, what are you doing here?
Vivien isn't gonna
last and you know it.
So, if you wanna
make this movie,
you're gonna need my help.
BUCKY:
There isn't gonna be a movie.
Dick Boeing hates it.
Yeah, I, I overheard.
(PAGER BEEPING)
Dick left his pager?
(DOOR THUDDING)
Vish, what happened?
June, there's a first-aid
kit in the garage.
Grab it!
Okay, bud, this is gonna hurt.
I'm so sorry.
I know, I know, I know.
It's okay, it's okay.
Come on, buddy. Hold on.
-(VISH GROANS)
-I know.
Shit!
()
Where is it?
(VISH COUGHS)
Vish, whoa!
(BODY THUMPING)
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
JUNE:
Bucky, I...
What?
Oh, buddy.
-(VISH COUGHING)
-(BLOOD SPLATTERING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
(BUCKY CRYING)
Who am I kidding?
I'm no director.
Never was, just a nobody kid.
Vish wouldn't want you to stop.
Don't you see, Bucky?
You can't let him
or your dad die in vain.
You've got a camera.
You've got zombies.
I mean, you could
make a killer movie.
Not according to Dick.
Some prick's opinion
doesn't mean squat.
Except, Dick was right
about one thing though.
You can't make a zombie
movie without blood.
MOM:
She's right, Bucky.
-Listen to her.
-Mom, I'm not a sellout.
Look, you can still make
the same movie, Bucky.
You just gotta sprinkle in,
like, a little bit of violence.
And come on, you heard Dick,
Hans is into genre now.
That's perfect.
Not only will Hans appreciate
some blood and guts,
he'll also recognize
your artistic vision.
MOM:
She's got a good point, Bucky.
It's interesting.
(VISH GROWLING)
But I don't know.
I'm on Dick's shitlist now.
There's no chance at Starwaltz.
JUNE:
Fuck Starwaltz!
MOM:
Yeah, fuck Starwaltz.
We've got Hans von Franz.
I know it's last minute,
Mister von Franz.
Dick sincerely apologizes.
But Starwaltz doesn't do special
screenings for just anyone.
It's a private world premiere.
Only for the most elite VIPs.
It's a private residence,
but the bar will
be fully stocked.
(JUNE CHUCKLING)
No, I don't drink.
Okay, Hans.
Well, I gotta bid you ado.
I'll arrange a taxi
for you Thursday night.
Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Ew.
Hans is gonna be
at the world premiere?
June, you've earned
yourself a producer credit.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
VIVIEN:
Sorry, Bucky.
But you know what they
say, better late than ugly.
What the fuck is she doing here?
I've decided to take
the role in a new direction.
So, June is gonna take over
your part.
I'm the star of this film,
you idiot.
She's a goddamn amateur.
You think I don't know
about your little secret?
Oh, yeah.
That zombie is your daddy.
I saw your family photo
on the wall, Bucky.
You must think I'm dumb
or something, huh?
I want that teeny bopper
tramp off the set,
or I'm calling the police.
Okay, Vivien, I don't think
there's a need for that.
-(TRANQUILIZER GUN WHIRRING)
-(VIVIEN GASPS)
(BODY THUMPING)
(TAPE RIPPING)
(WOMAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(FAKE BLOOD SLOSHING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
You must always call
when Vishnu sleeps over!
-BUCKY: Oh, hi--
-Where's Vishnu?
-BUCKY: He was just um--
-Mm-mm.
Vishnu.
Vishnu, we are late
to your cousin's wedding.
Ugh!
BUCKY:
He went to the store
for supplies.
MISS GUDI:
Vishnu!
Vishnu!
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
He, he should be
back in an hour.
Definitely too late for the
cousin's wedding or anything.
I can have him call
you later though.
(WOMAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
()
You lie.
Okay. Okay.
We, we were actually just
working on a scene with Vish.
You can come down,
but I wanna warn you,
he is fully in character,
so just don't be alarmed.
Your son is a very talented
actor, Miss Gudi,...
-...you should be very proud.
-Mm-mm, Vishnu!
(MISS GUDI SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hold this, Bucky.
Vishnu, Garena's
wedding is today.
Don't you remember?
Are you hungry?
We have to go
to the wedding, come on.
Come on.
Not Indian standard time.
-(BONE SNAPS)
-(MISS GUDI GASPS)
(BUCKY GAGGING)
No joking, Vishnu!
-(SEVERED ARM THUDDING)
-No joking, Vishnu!
We are late.
Come on, ugh!
Vishnu, come on!
Miss Gudi, please don't!
MISS GUDI:
You can eat at the wedding.
Come on, let's go.
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(MISS GUDI GASPS)
(MISS GUDI SCREAMING)
-(BLOOD SPRAYING)
-(ZOMBIE VISH GROANING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
(MISS GUDI SCREAMING CONTINUES)
()
()
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
And action.
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
(ZOMBIE VISH CHOMPING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDDING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Cut!
(ZOMBIE VISH CHOMPS)
Action!
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDS)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GASPS)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(VOMIT SPLASHING)
()
(VIVIEN SPITS)
Okay.
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
Okay, no, come here.
-Come here.
-You little shit!
(VIVIEN GRUNTING)
(GARAGE DOOR RATTLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
And action!
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDS)
(FAKE BLOOD SLOSHING)
(ZOMBIE VISH GAGGING)
(ZOMBIE VISH GARGLING)
And action.
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(BUCKY RETCHING)
-(BLOOD SPRAYING)
Cut.
(LIPS SMACKING)
(CLEANING SPRAY HISSING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
(BUCKY GAGGING)
(LIPS SMACKING)
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(EAR SQUISHING)
(EAR CRUNCHING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
What the hell is taking
this little boy so long.
Probably in there jacking off.
(FIST KNOCKING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
BUCKY:
Be right there!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLYING)
Detective Swan.
Is everything all right?
Evening there, Bucky.
Oh, everything's good.
Everything's fine.
I've just been in the
neighborhood 'cause Eileen
keeps barking about your dad
and it caught
the ear of my boss,
he just wanted me to stop by
one last time.
You know, just to dot the I's
and cross the T's as it were.
Of course.
You know Walter never called me.
Was you able to get
my number to him?
Yeah, I was.
Sorry he didn't call you back.
He can be kind of
a flake sometimes.
Uh-huh.
Bucky, would you eat a piece
of cake with shit in it?
I mean, a little
tiny piece of shit,
like an ant-sized turd?
-Um...
-Of course not,
because then
you'd be eating shit.
See, little tiny feces
will fuck up your whole meal.
Now, lying is the same way.
In the Holy Bible, it said,
"The smallest of sin can fuck
up a lifetime of good deeds."
That's why lying is like
eating shit inside of a cake.
Now, before we go any further,
is there something
you want to tell me, Bucky?
There actually is.
Um...
My dad didn't go
to Baton Rouge.
Is that so?
He's uh, he's in Vegas.
Oh, Las Vegas, Nevada?
How come he just didn't
go to Atlantic City?
He doesn't wanna run
into anyone he might know.
He's not exactly proud of
his gambling, detective.
Understandable.
()
(INSECTS CHIRRING)
(VIVIEN GROANING)
(VIVIEN WHINING)
()
(SPOON CLINKING)
(VIVIEN CACKLING)
()
()
(VIVIEN CACKLING)
()
Ah, fuck!
Fuck, fucker.
(VIVIEN CACKLING)
(VIVIEN GRUNTING)
-(BODY THUMPING)
-(VIVIEN GROANING)
(VIVIEN SNIFFING)
(TAPE TEARING)
Help!
Help!
Help! Help!
Yeah, everything
seems kosher here.
I'm just gonna wrap up
some little minor details
in my report and then
I'll get on out your hair.
Do you want some Bubble Puffs?
Oh no, I never touch the stuff.
I gotta watch my sugar.
So what day did
your daddy leave town?
Um, I think it was a Monday.
Monday?
No, no, wait,
it was a Wednesday.
-Wednesday.
-No, sorry.
Definitely Monday.
-Monday.
-Monday?
All right.
Do you know what hotel
he was staying at?
I do not, but when I was a kid
he used to take me
to the Pink Lady Motel.
I know the place.
We used to catch cockroaches,
tie tooth floss around them,
and walk 'em around
the room like pets.
Yeah, there's a lot of bugs
in that joint.
Mm-hmm.
-(PEN SCRIBBLING)
-(SPOON SCRAPING BOWL)
But,
Dad didn't mind the bugs.
He said the price
was just too good.
So you might wanna
try the Pink Lady.
All right, I surely will.
Did your dad exhibit any mental
problems the day he left?
No, not as far as I could tell.
He was just his
normal drunken self.
Chipper as a clam.
DETECTIVE SWAN:
Okay.
(PEN SCRIBBLING)
Did your daddy have any
outstanding medical conditions?
No.
I mean he's, he's had some gout
that's flared up
in the past.
Sent him to the hospital once,
but other than that, nothing.
Hmm, all right.
Well, I'm just gonna tidy up
the last bit of this
here report and I'ma go on
and relieve myself...
-...out your presence.
-Speaking of relief,
I should run to the bathroom.
-All right.
June.
June.
Speaking of hospitals,
I had to go to one last night.
I ran into the emergency room
and grabbed the first doctor
I seen.
I said, "Doc, you gotta help me.
I'm shrinking."
Doc told me, "Calm down.
Calm down.
You gotta get used to being
a little patient."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Get it?
-Yeah.
-Little patient.
-Yeah.
You got a bathroom
I could use?
Uh, the toilet's
clogged in this one,
but the one upstairs
works just fine.
Oh, I just gotta,
you know, wash my hands.
Think I got a little
pickle juice on it.
See, yeah.
Oh, excuse me.
Boy this toilet's nasty.
(LIGHT CLICKS)
(WATER SPLASHING)
(JUNE SIGHS)
What the hell?
Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.
Been bamboozled
by a snake in the grass.
Little lying son of a bitch.
You want to play, Bucky?
Let's play.
Oh, Bucky?
Bucky?
Bucky?
Bucky, I'm gonna take you up
on some of them cereals.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everything's good.
Look, my stomach's a rumbling.
I think I'm gonna
have a bowl of them,
what's the name of
them there cereals?
Actually, detective,
it's getting pretty late.
I was gonna turn
in for the night.
Oh man, come on now,
my stomach's a rumbling now.
You can't do me
like this, Bucky.
I, I eat fast.
I'll be out your hair
in just a second.
All right.
Yeah.
You know, I don't see any
crosses or crucifix around here.
I take it y'all wasn't
raised in the faith.
No.
You know, my parents weren't
into all that religious stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Romans, chapter 2, verse 7,
"To those who
by patience in well-doing
seek glory,
honor and immortality,
he will give thee eternal life."
(KNIFE CLICKING)
Eternal life.
The one thing everybody wants.
Unless of course
it's the bad kind of
eternal life.
Hell, and don't nobody
want a piece of that shit.
Bucky, I bet you don't even know
how bad Hell is, do you?
Boy, I wish that you
could hear my reverend,
Reverend Arnold.
He has a talent for describing
Satan's torments
to the nonbelievers
down in Hell.
I ain't gonna do him no justice,
but I'm gonna give you
the gist of it.
See, Hell, Hell is not
for the claustrophobic.
I mean, they are jam packed
down there.
They packed like sardines
in a can.
I mean, it's so crowded that
if a worm
crawled into your eyeball,
you wouldn't be able to lift
a finger to get it out.
Then there's the smell.
Imagine the smell of every
animal in the world's shit,
like monkey shit, elephant
shit, donkey shit,
dog shit, baby shit.
All at one place at one goddamn
time and it's in flames,
making the putrid smells
gonna hit your nostrils
and tear your lungs up.
But that unbreathable stench,
ain't the worst of it.
Nah, the worst part of Hell,
it's the burn.
The burn.
See, Hellfire,
it's different than normal fire.
See, normal fire consumes flesh.
God designed Hellfire
not to consume flesh,
but it consumes
your insides eternally.
Your brain's gonna
boil inside your skull,
but ain't a damn thing
you could do about it
'cause your arms don't move
'cause you jammed so
motherfucking tight in there.
Your heart is melting,
your intestines also melting.
You feel it all, see?
Because he leaves
all five senses on
to feel the pain eternally.
But he gave us a shot.
All we have to do
is accept Jesus Christ
as our Lord and Savior.
He'll let us avoid
all of that tormenting
and make it to Heaven.
Now, it's not too
late for you, Bucky.
You could save your soul.
All you gotta do is get on
your knees and beg Jesus Christ
for forgiveness
of all your sins.
Now, for those non-believers,
well, there is no salvation.
So, if your dad,
Walter, is dead,
well, you can best believe
your sweet little ass
that him and your mama are
burning in Hell together.
Uh-huh.
Make one move
and it's gonna be your last.
Now I suggest you take
that little toy gun
and you put it in that
basket of fruit over there.
Otherwise, I'm gonna blow your
motherfucking brains out.
That way you can see what
the fuck you thinking
is some bullshit.
You hear me, boy?
(VIVIEN GASPS)
-(THUNDER BOOMING)
-Help!
-(HAND THUDDING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
-Oh.
(BOTH GROANING)
(BUCKY GASPING)
You nasty little heathen.
(ZOMBIES GRUMBLING)
()
-(CHAINS RATTLING)
-(SEWAGE SLOSHING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER SNIFFING)
()
(ZOMBIE WALTER SNIFFING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUID SNIFFING)
(ZOMBIE VISH SNIFFING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GIGGLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER YELLING)
(CHAINS BREAKING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI YELLING)
(DOOR SLAMMING)
My knight in shining armor.
You need help with that
little twerp?
And who the fuck are you?
-(VIVIEN SNIFFING)
-Ugh.
Jenkem.
Jenkem.
(ZOMBIE WALTER YELLING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
(DETECTIVE SWAN SCREAMING)
MOM:
Bucky, run!
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROWLING)
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(TRANQUILIZER GUN WHIRRING)
BUCKY:
We gotta go!
(VIVIEN SCREAMING)
Go, go, go, go, go!
-(DOOR SLAMMING)
-(LOCK CLICKING)
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
Really, Jenkem?
Bucky, that stuff isn't real.
You can't get high
off of sewage.
You can't, can you?
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GRUMBLING)
(WINDOW SHATTERING)
(BOOK THUDDING)
(JUNE COUGHING)
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(NECK SNAPPING)
-(BUCKY GRUNTING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
(CLEANING SPRAY HISSING)
(BODY THUMPING)
(JUNE COUGHING)
JUNE:
I'm calling for help.
Where's your phone?
It's the pickle.
(DIAL TONE RINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
-(BUCKY SIGHS)
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hans.
It's Hans.
-He actually came.
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
JUNE:
Hi. Hi.
Yes, we need help,
like, right now.
There's crazy people
on they're trying--
No, no, no.
-No!
-That was a bad joke, ma'am.
My sister, the prankster.
-Ha ha.
-No!
We are totally fine.
We need help!
There are people that
are trying to kill us.
-No, no, no, really, really.
-Yes!
You'll be here in 15 minutes?
Can you gimme 30?
-(DIAL TONE RINGING)
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll screen for Hans
in the garage.
It's a mess,
but it'll have to do.
We almost just died.
And you are thinking about Hans?
You only care about your movie.
BUCKY:
Now, June, we really both
don't need to go.
This is really a one man job.
-JUNE: You're right, Bucky.
-BUCKY: I'm glad you agree.
So just barricade
the door and I'll--
It's best if I go.
Hans was expecting a girl.
June, we're talking
about my legacy.
JUNE:
Legacies?
God, what a stupid concept.
You think Shakespeare
cares about his legacy?
No, 'cause he's six feet
underground, swallowing dirt.
All the praise in the world
don't mean diddly to a dead guy.
And if you think all these
great artists' work is timeless,
you're wrong.
Every play, every book,
every movie, one day,
they'll all just disappear
along with every freaking
atom in the universe.
Nothing lasts forever,
Bucky, not even legacies.
Noted. Thanks.
Fine, I'll--
I'll guard the door
while you schmooze with Hans.
No, June, it's too dangerous.
Bucky, we'll be safer together.
June, you're staying here!
It's just, I mean, I--
I couldn't bear
the thought of...
What if something
happened to you?
I'm sorry, June,
it's safer this way.
(TRANQUILIZER GUN WHIRRING)
()
(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)
()
(INSECTS CHIRRING)
(DOOR THUDDING)
(STAIRS CREAKING)
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
-(THUNDER BOOMING)
-(BUCKY SCREAMS)
(BUCKY SIGHING)
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLS)
(BUCKY GASPING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTE YELLING)
-(BUCKY SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GURGLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
No, no, no.
Hans, wait!
(BUCKY GIGGLING)
Hans, wait!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
Come on, Dad.
Let go of my leg!
-(BUCKY GRUNTS)
-(FOOT THUDDING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANS)
-Whoa!
-(BODY THUMPING)
(BUCKY GROANING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
Wait, Hans.
Mister von Franz,
welcome to my world premiere.
It is a huge honor
to have you here.
Huge.
Where is Richard, huh?
Where's this delicious girl
I was talking to earlier?
Well, I actually just
spoke to both of them
and they are unfortunately
running late.
But Dick wanted me to get
this show on the road anyway.
-Uh-huh.
-Come right this way.
We're gonna be going
to our private theater...
-...for the screening.
-Okay, very well.
-(CLOTH SQUEAKING)
-(STATIC BUZZING)
()
()
JUNE (ON TV):
A male and female engage
in a love ritual we call sex.
We'll get to that
lesson in a bit.
-No, Zeddy!
- (ZOMBIE WALTER GAGGING)
Being human begins
at the dinner table.
(WHIP SNAPPING)
Anybody home?
She's about as useless
as tits on a bull.
Enough!
-(BUCKY MOUTHING)
- The only good zombie...
...is a dead zombie.
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(ZOMBIES GROWLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUNTS)
-(BAT THUDDING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANS)
-(BAT THUDDING)
-(ZOMBIE VISH GROANS)
Dad?
You saved me.
All my life, I've been looked
at as nothing more than,
than a worthless hillbilly.
Humanity a-lurking
in my tender heart.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I know I ain't
been the best son.
I guess, my cold heart and
your dead heart are the same.
All we need is blood.
()
(BUCKY CRYING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER GROANING)
-(BONES CRACKING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
()
(LIPS SMACKING)
(ZOMBIES GROWLING)
(JUNE GRUNTS)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROANING)
(ZOMBIE VISH CHOMPING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(SEVERED ARM THUDDING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(CHAIN RATTLING)
()
And...
Cut!
()
(HANS APPLAUDING)
Bravo. Bravo.
Herr Bucky, simply stupendous.
And this ending...
What is the meaning
of this last shot?
Don't tell me.
I know, I know.
You want to remind the
audience that life itself
is like a movie and
therefore an illusion.
I'm right, yes?
I just thought it
was a cool final shot.
Ah, don't be so modest, Bucky.
And these long, slow,
beautiful zooms.
How did you think of the zooms?
Brilliant.
You really like it?
I didn't think that you would
be into the drama since,
you know,
your next picture's a horror.
Me, making a horror movie?
(HANS CHUCKLING)
HAN:
What a vile rumor.
Hans von Franz would
never make trash
to entertain
the plebeian idiots.
For you it's different,
of course, it's forgiven.
I know the rule
of this festival.
You see very few artists
have the je ne sais quoi .
You and I are the rare birds,
my dear Herr Bucky.
We possess the "it" factor.
So, forget Starwaltz.
I want to introduce you
to my producer.
He knows how to work
and develop auteurs.
You see, a young artist
needs to be like a seed,
watered very carefully if it
is to grow into a mighty tree,
a tree that will
last for generations.
So, come.
We should discuss this
together over a warm meal
in whatever your little
village calls fine dining.
-Yeah, come.
-(GARAGE DOOR RATTLING)
Herr Bucky,
what are you waiting for?
()
HANS:
Herr Bucky, what is the matter?
BUCKY:
June!
What's in these things?
I feel great.
Wait a second.
Did you shoot me?
(THUNDER BOOMING)
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROWLING)
Ah, my zombie star.
(NECK CRACKING)
Ah, my god.
For such a pitiful role,
you were fantastic.
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI GROWLING)
I see still in character,
I understand.
That's true dedication.
The mark of a true artist.
(ZOMBIE MISS GUDI YELLING)
-(HANS GASPS)
-(BODY THUMPING)
You shot me.
You shot me.
-(HAND SLAPPING)
-(BUCKY GROANS)
Not that I--
not that I wouldn't do it again.
'Cause that stuff
was pretty good.
June, I've been a damn fool.
I'm sorry.
You were right about everything.
But I'm through with it all.
No more hoity-toity art.
No more chasing
critics or awards.
I'm done.
What about Hans?
-What about your legacy?
-Screw Hans.
And screw my legacy.
Why chase immortality
when being with you
kind of feels like
I already have it.
So what do you say?
Let's team up,
if we survive all this.
Just imagine, June and Bucky,
the unstoppable duo
of B-Grade cinema.
(DOOR CRACKING)
(ZOMBIE GROANING)
Why wait?
We're not gonna get better
zombies than these.
Let's make some chicken salad.
()
()
()
()
(FLESH SQUISHING)
()
(JET SHATTERING)
()
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(EYEBALLS SLOSHING)
(BAT CRACKING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
()
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(URN SHATTERING)
()
()
-(FOOT THUDDING)
-(NECK SNAPPING)
()
(FAKE BLOOD SPLASHING)
(HAND SIZZLING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(JUNE GRUNTS)
-(DISTORTED RADIO MUSIC)
(ZOMBIE VIVIEN GROWLING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE VIVIEN GROANING)
-(TASER ZAPPING)
-(ZOMBIE VIVIEN GROANING)
()
(EYEBALLS SQUEAKING)
(EYEBALLS SQUISHING)
Wait!
Hans deserves a better death.
Come on.
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
-(THUNDER BOOMING)
-(DISCO MOVIE PLAYS)
You keep on dancing
through the night
(ZOMBIE HANS CHUCKLING)
You've gotta find
a better way
You've gotta do the,
do the, do the, do the
Boogaloo
(TURTLE SQUISHING)
Boogaloo
Hey!
(TAPE RIPPING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(ENGINE RUMBLING)
Perfect.
(ZOMBIE HANS CHOMPING)
-(TURTLE SQUEAKING)
-(ZOMBIE HANS GROANING)
(TURTLE SQUEAKING)
You tell me
That you love me
-(BLOOD SPLASHING)
- Can I believe you
(ZOMBIE HANS GAGGING)
When I know you
Better than you
know yourself
(ZOMBIE HANS SCREAMING)
So never, never, never,
Say forever, ever, ever
If you know
you're gonna tear me apart
And never, never, never
Say forever, ever, ever
If you think
you're gonna break my heart
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GURGLING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
You know I know
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS YELLING)
All about you
My friends been...
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
Spartacus.
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GURGLING)
I think our climax is climaxing.
(DOOR CRACKING)
(PANTS RIPPING)
(DOOR CRACKING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GROWLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(ZOMBIE WALTE YELLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
Ah shit.
-(BUCKY GASPS)
-(TABLE CRASHING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(TASER ZAPPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(ZOMBIE WALTE YELLING)
-(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
-(BUCKY GAGGING)
(TASER ZAPPING)
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
()
(BUCKY GASPS)
-(ENGINE RUMBLING)
-(ZOMBIE WALTER SCREAMING)
(BODIES THUMPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
(TASER ZAPPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
(BODY THUMPING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
(BUCKY WHISTLES)
()
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS SCREECHING)
-(BANANA THUDDING)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
Come on, buddy.
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROWLING)
Okay.
Whoa!
Ow.
(BUCKY GROANING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
()
-(FISTS THUDDING)
-(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUNTS)
(BUCKY GASPS)
Dad?
Dad!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUNTS)
I knew you were still in there.
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS ROARING)
Dad, you wanna help me
finish my movie?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
Just like that.
Don't move an inch, okay?
All right, Dad, you ready?
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
And...
Action!
(ZOMBIE WALTER GRUMBLING)
-(BUCKY GRUNTS)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
()
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(FLESH SQUISHING)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(BUCKY GRUNTING)
-(ZOMBIE SPARTACUS GROANING)
Spartacus, you were a good boy.
And Hans,
I know you're still in there.
So suck my balls!
(GUNSHOTS BANGING)
(FLESH SQUISHING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
()
()
()
(JUNE PANTING)
June!
()
()
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
()
()
(SIRENS WAILING)
()
()
And...
Cut!
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
()
(STATIC BUZZING)
We probably have a few minutes
until the battery's charged.
Do you wanna?
(VISH SIGHS)
This is good for our acting.
It keeps us focused.
Living in the moment.
Every moment is a new
and exciting moment.
Ah.
-That was great.
-(STATIC BUZZING)