Almost Pregnant (1992) Movie Script
May I speak frankly??
- Oh, please do.
Mr. & Mrs. Alderson, our preliminary tests suggest
that you are suffering from oligospermia,
complicated by a slightly non-functioning
nagging asthenozoospermia
and with a trace of teratozoospermia.
My God, what does this mean?
Sperm-wise... you're shootin' blanks.
He's just not delivering the goods.
In what way?
- In no way.
The size, the shape, the way they move
their little tails only to the left ...
It's a complete breakdown of spermatazoa.
You mean it's not my fault?
- No! No, no,
You passed your fertility
test with flying colors.
You're a baby machine. She's a baby machine. He's
the one; you're the one with the shortcoming.
You mean it has something
to do with length?
She's a lot of laughs, huh?
I don't know; I was just asking...
No, you take me... She
takes me too literally.
This is a specimen of your own semen.
- Go on.
Here you go, this is your
frozen semen right here.
Notice how sickly they are.
They're just swimming
around in circles, they'll
never get anywhere.
Now here, on the other hand, is a sample
of my son's sperm.
Notice how robust they are.
- See those little suckers swimming?
Yeah, well, if you believe in that sort of thing...
It looks like the Olympics, doesn't it?
My son has produced three grandchildren
and there's one in the oven.
Maybe you'd like to borrow him..
Oh, no... not again... not here.
I bet that guy has no
problem with length.
Here's my boy.
Three grandchildren and one on the way.
What a guy!
What kind of underwear do you use?
-What?
Does he wear excessively tight underwear?
- No, not excessively.
You could lose a few pounds.
- You mean... I thought you meant...
You're right. She is a lot of laughs.
I want you to wear boxer shorts.
My friend,
we've got to get you some breathing room.
breathing room. Go...
Breathing room...
I gotta write that down..
Jockey and bikinis constrict.
Boxers shorts are your testicles'
best friends.
I we wanna be friends with our testicles,
no jockey or bikini.
So it has something to do with temperature?
- Exactly.
The production of sperm occurs best if the
temperature of the genetalia sack is less than 95 degrees.
We have to lower the temperature of your testicles.
So cold water might help?
- Yes, try ice packs.
The keyword
is looseare and cool.
Loose and cool...
- So, do we all agree?
Okay, see you next time.
Cherry.
I hate boxer shorts.
- I think I know where I can get some on sale.
Oligospermia ... I want a recount.
Oh... Oh, look at that baby.
Come here.
Come here.
Come back here.
Don't you run away from me.
This is ridiculous.
- I think boxer shorts are sexy.
You do not.
- But Dr. Bekhard wants you to wear them.
Well, Dr. Bekhard can kiss my genital sack.
Where are my jockies?
Charlie!
We're gonna have to start getting serious
about this.
The baby was originally planned for November.
March, April,
now I can see May slipping away.
Aw, my personal organizer's a mess.
I'm sorry, Charlie, I know how difficult
this must be for you.
If we really work hard at this, if we
really make an effort
To go the extra yard,
we can have that baby.
The time is right. The planets, the
stars are aligned in perfect consanance.
And they're sending forth their music to
hail the coming of the Star Child.
The what?
- The Star Child.
Oh, she's gonna be beautiful, Charlie.
She'll have long golden hair
and little pink cheeks.
and she's gonna sing and dance
and write poetry.
Oh, God... I can't wait!
Not now.
- Why not? I'm ready to go the extra yard.
But I'm not ovulating.
From now on we've got to pick our spots.
Save it...for... umm... Thursday.
You can't afford to be throwing it away.
Oh! don't forget to pick up that ice pack.
Sorry... sorry...
My ice pack slipped.
Charlie ...
Oh, your wife is some fox...
Hey! Frank!
- What? It's true.
Is this woman a fox or what?
See?
I can't believe you can't get her pregnant.
It's a low sperm count. I am
doing the best I can.
You know, I heard somewhere that your sperm count can
be affected by the color of your bedroom carpet.
Get outta here!
- No, seriously.
I mean it's psychological.
Some colors just aren't fertile.
I wish I knew the answer.
Linda really wants this kid and if she
wants something, she wants it.
I'm telling you it's your bedroom carpet.
Now, what color is your bedroom carpet?
White. Off-white.
Off-white? Off-white is sterile, man.
You need something in earth colors.
You know, something fertile.
Carpet ...
I don't need no stinking carpets.
Let's go.
- Again?
Yep.
Aldersen.
- Honey, it's me.
Listen, my temperature's rising.
You gotta make it home tonight right after work.
I can't honey, I'm going to the game with Frank.
- Uh-uh. Not anymore.
Rip Mallory -
genius in his own mind.
It that's for me, I'm not here.
Not taking any calls, huh?
Hi, honey. Want a drink?
We had an appointment.
Do you know what time it is?
Ah, Shit!
Unmitigated trash!
Dear, dear, dear!
Well?
-I fear we may be dealing with an
internal complication here.
There may be a distrubed
endrocrine system
Perhaps a varicose vein in the
spermatic duct.
We might need some surgery. We might...
But before we do, we'll do a blood test
and we'll take some tissue from your testicles.
You're gonna do what?
- A testicular biopsy.
We simple make a quarter of an
inch incision in your scrotum
And we take a little tissue from each of your
testicles. It's a very simple procedure.
We do micro-surgery on both of your testicles and
before you know it, you'll be... back in the saddle again.
He's gone...
I can't believe the way you're acting.
You're behaving like a child.
I don't care, Linda.
Nobody's taking any of my tissue.
I need all I can get.
It's a surgical procedure.
- It's a knife, Linda! A knife!
I've always believed you should keep
pointed objects as far away from your testicles as possible!
My balls are my friends.
I like 'em. I prefer them in their totality.
Well what about my totality? Don't you understand
much this means to me?
What are you watching?
- "The Big Chill."
How appropriate.
- Obviously this isn't working.
Maybe time to explore some other options.
Well how about that test tube baby idea?
I like that one.
I told you I don't want any part of it.
- Of sure.
Because then they'll start poking around inside of you
and carrying pieces of you off to the lab.
And it's not natural. If I'm gonna have a natural
childbirth I'm gonna have a natural conception, too.
A baby should conceived in an explosion
of passion with sweat and hormones.
Organically, naturally.
- There's only one natural way I know of and we're striking out that way
Come on, Linda.
Don't let it bother you.
We'll just have to keep trying, that's all.
Remember what Dr. Beckhard said?
Miracles can happen.
[This is serious.]
[Maybe I really do have
to change the carpets.]
You know, I've been thinking of giving cousin Ray
a call. You know, Ray Burns?
He owns that carpet store out in Pomona.
I thought that maybe he'd give us a good price
on a new bedroom rug.
A rug? Hmm...
Yeah, I thought maybe it'd help -
A little change of pace, something different, you know?
Yes Charlie I've been thinking this out...
This is just an idea, but, uh...
Whatta you think about a surrogate father?
A what?
- A surrogate father.
Well, fuck me!
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't think the idea's totally without merit. Remember
in "The Big Chill" the single woman wants to have a baby...
And she can't find a husband so her best
friend loans her her husband sort of like a donor?
And all this, it turns out to be
a real positive thing.
And she has the baby?
- How am I supposed to know? The movie ends before that.
Well how do you know he didn't have oligospermia?
- Because it's only a movie, Charlie.
Exactly, Linda.
- You just don't wanna listen to me!
Oh, I'm listening. You want
somebody else to be the father of my child, right?
Wrong. Wrong. That is the wrong way to look at it.
You're still gonna be the spiritual father.
It's not like you haven't had any input.
Oh, and what kind of input am I gonna have?
Do I get to coach from the sidelines?
Make breakfast for the two of you?
Oh, how would you like your eggs? Ovulating?
Charlie, I expect you to help me choose the
right man. That's what I want. Someone you can relate to.
You know what I find incredible, Linda?
Not that you're planning on screwing somebody.
Not that you're telling me about it.
Even that you're asking me to help...
No! What really kills me is that you expect me
to be enthusiastic about it!
I'm talking about an impersonal business situation.
You're talking about sex, Linda.
You are talking about being penetrated by a dick
other than my own, that's what you're talking about!
All you care about is that somebody might be tresspassing on your
personal property, that's all you care about. Like you've got sole grazing rights.
Well, it's not public domain, is it?
I didn't have to tell you about this, Charlie
I could have pursued this on my own.
But I wanted your participation,
I wanted your support. And right away you turn on me.
Do you think
I want to go sleep with a perfect stranger?
Do you think I'm looking forward
to that experience?
Don't you have any faith in me?
Look, Honey... Honey, Linda, look...
I feel the same way you do about this
but let's face facts.
There's no law that says we have
to have a baby.
Now there are plenty of marriages without children
and they last 40-50 years
Yeah? This marriage won't.
[Ahhh... Maybe she's right.]
[Maybe I'm being too selfish.]
[Maybe I've gotta sacrifice myself
for our marriage...]
[Oh, man, I don't know...]
[Oh, she's so beautiful.]
[And she's basically faithful...]
[Maybe it won't be so bad after all...]
[Just as long as she doesn't like the jerk too much.]
So how would we go about finding this business partner?
I mean do we put a personal ad in the paper or what?
You're not interested.
- Of course I'm interested.
I mean if it's the only
choice available ... well...
First of all, it should be someone with a high sperm count
and a good track record.
We want to maximize the success of
a quick strike.
How about Dr. Beckhard's son?
Whoa, he has robust sperm.
I should be somebody you know,
and somebody you trust.
I don't trust anybody I know.
Hey, how about my brother Jack?
Well why not? Keep it in the family.
After all, the father should be somebody like me.
Honey, if we're gonna hand pick a sperm
donor, we might as well go for the best genes available.
I want our baby to have
every possible advantage.
Hey! How about cousin Ray?
- Good God!
Well, he's bright... and if you don't intend on enjoying the experience
well, I can't think of a better man for the job.
Be serious, would you?
What about one of your friends?
Well, don't keep me in suspense, Linda...
I can't pick the right man for you
if you don't tell me who he is.
Well, how about Gordon Mallory?
Gordon Mallory!
Who is Gordon Mallory?
- You know.
What do you call him? Ummm. Rip!
Rip Mallory! That nut?
He's not a nut. He seems like a very nice man.
He's weird. He writes poetry...which he'll recite
for you a the drop of a hat.
Yeah, yeah, but this is exactly what I'm talking about.
He's a writer, so he must be intelligent. And
bright and funny.
He's a nut. - Sensitive
Strange. -Eccentric.
Not dangerous, but he's just not the type of a guy
I'd like to bring home to sleep with my wife.
He does have five children.
- Strange, wild children.
In some ways not human.
- His wife seems very nice.
This is not normal family.
Believe me, I've heard stories.
Now... it was something about an ear...
- Five children, Charlie! Five!
Rip Mallory?
- We don't have to decide tonight..
Sleep on it.
[Maybe Rip won't accept.]
[Maybe he won't like her! Oh, shit! Of course he'll like her.]
[Maybe she won't like him. Oh, shit! Of course she'll like him.]
[Fuck me...]
Yep, fatherhood's a great experience.
It's turned me into a new man.
I mean you find out what's
really important in life, you know?
Charlie, check this one out with the hearts, huh?
What's the matter, Charlie?
What is it? Nothing new with Linda, huh?
Oh, I should be finding out something soon.
Charlie, look. You know, I been thinking...
Listen, if you're still stuck in neutral,
why don't you give me a shot at her?
I mean there's nothing wrong with my juice...
I'm just kidding, Charlie.
I'm just kidding.
Hello.
Hi. I'm Charlie Aldersen.
- Well yes, of course you are!
I'm Maureen.
Oh, just doing a little gardening.
You have a lovely garden.
Oh, yes... I have a gift for making
things grow.
You hear to see Gordon?
He's just writing an epic poem.
Gordon?
Charlie Aldersen is here.
What does he want?
He wants to talk to you.
Tell him I'm creating.
Tell him he intrudes upon the muse.
He ummm... He brought a bottle with him.
Clear the books off that chair.
What is it? Brandy, I hope...
Charlie. Come.
This is a happy surprise.
- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Let me take that.
I was just writing an epic poem, nothing serious.
Sit down.
Ah, root beer schnapps.
Ah, how's your wife?
- Linda ...
Fine.
Anyway I was just thinking of her the other day. I belong
to a meditation group and we chant regularly for world peace...
You can not hug a child
with nuclear arms.
Are you through?
I thought he came here to speak to me.
- Actually, yeah, I did.
Ah! There! He didn't come here to be assaulted
with your bumper-sticker mentality.
Hey! Go on! Go! Go on back to your
macrame. Leave us in peace.
Well, mention it to Linda when you can
and I'll call her someday.
So, Rip ...
- Would you like to hear some poetry?
Well, uh...
-Pull your chair closer. Enter the circle of intimate thought.
Quiet!
You're in for a treat, Charlie.
I started work on a modern
Homeric poem.
It's entitled, "The Nucleid."
Subject matter--annihilation.
Nuclear devastation.
It's a visionary work
Shot through with epiphanies of Blakian revelation.
Shut up!
Let's go somewhere quiet.
- I'd rather not. I... I...
I really wanted to talk in private.
Why?
It's a delicate matter.
There's something I want to ask you... A favor...
Well, I'll tell you, Charlie, I don't like doing people
favors. It tends to set a precedent.
Well, let me explain.
Linda and I... Well, we're trying to start a family.
Family? With children?
- Yes
There's nothing that I could say
that would make you change your mind?
She wants to have a... Star Child.
Star Child... yes...
They're very popular lately.
Well, I wish you luck, Charlie.
Believe me, getting there is most of the fun.
Well, that's the thing. It's not all that easy.
We've run into some difficulties.
- Oh, I see...
You've come to me for advice.
Well, I'll tell you Charlie. Have a little wine...
Read a little poetry, listen to Barry White records
I have this... this chemical condition.
It's called
Oligospermia.
- Low sperm count.
Words are my business.
Anyway, I've done everything I can to compensate
but they want me to have a testicular biopsy.
Yeah--I feel the same way--but Linda is dead set on
having this kid. Her clock is running.
Well this is an unfortunate situation, Charlie,
but what I can do?
Well... Ever seen "The Big Chill?"
- No.
Okay. In "The Big Chill,"
this woman, she's trying to have a baby...
And ...
Well, she borrows her husband's best friend.
The thing is, we need help.
You know, a substitute. A pinch-hitter.
Somebody with a good batting average...
Somebody with a good batting average...
Sperm-wise.
Ahhh... you mean ...
You mean ...
Let me get this fixed in my mind.
You mean you want me to actually ...
I realize it's a revolutionary idea
- It's Homeric!
And your wife is willing?
Look. You weren't her first choice.
I had to put a good word in for you.
And you don't mind?
- I'm... delighted.
Linda - she's the one I always see running
In the blue spandex
That's her.
- Lovely creature. Very supple..
Thank you.
I've never had an offer like this before.
I suppose we should sign
some sort of contract.
We weren't going to pay you
- Oh, no, I just want to be protected.
We're friends.
- We'll just draw up a friendly sort of agreement.
No one else need know. It goes
without saying that my wife
Maureen would be granted the blissful sleep of
the ingorant, which has always been her share.
You don't think she'd understand?
- I'm not entirely sure taht I understand.
Here's to ...
Here's to ...
...our child.
You didn't put those in yet?
It only takes 10 minutes
I dunno why we have to feed him anyway.
- It's called hospitality, dear.
How much more hospitable can we get?
- Remember, he's doing us the favor.
Did you put something in there?
-Mmm-hmm
Oh, what's this? Fried zucchini.
Where's the caviar?
It's just something to break the tension.
- I'm not tense.
Neither am I.
I've gotta go get changed.
Don't forget to put the weinies in.
He's gonna put the weinie in.
- Shh! He'll hear you.
Hi, neighbor.
For me?
Would you like a drink?
Sure, have a drink... have my wife. What else do you want?
Oh, I brought my full medical report.
My doctor says that I have
the general constitution of a marathon runner.
We'll settle for the 100 yard dash
This contract absolves you from all
responsibility - legal, financial, and otherwise.
Sign... on the bottom.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Linda.
I was just sampling your dip.
Very creamy.
- Thank you.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Excuse us.
What is this?
- This is a negligee you've seen before, Charlie.
Yes, I've seen it. Why is he seeing it.
-Because we're going to bed together that's why.
You don't have to advertise
the fact, do you?
What have you got underneath?
The lacy thing? You're wearing the lacy thing for him?
Well, it's either this or the fishnet teddy.
I don't want him to think I'm trashy.
But I bought that for you for Valentine's Day.
It's got the little hearts with the thingies and everything.
Well, I'm supposed to be seductive, aren't I?
The idea is to arouse him.
This guy's a pro. He doesn't need arousing.
Don't put it on a personal level. Calm down.
I know what I'm doing.
Um... would you like me
to put on some music?
Oh, how lovely.
They go with your eyes.
Excuse me.
She seems a little bit nervous.
- Well, it's her first time.
Maybe we should make this some other night?
- Okay.
Gordon.
I'm ready.
I guess that's my cue.
Thanks again, Charlie.
Oh, let me take those.
So, um...
- Here we are.
Nice room.
- Yeah, thanks.
Oh, um... Why don't youi
take off your jacket. Relax. -Sure.
Uh, just looking for my Giants jacket.
- It's downstairs.
Charlie.
Ray! Heck of a time
trying to find you guys.
This place is really coming along.
Must be nice to have money.
Speaking of which, how's Linda?
- What are you doing here?
Well, you told me to stop by anytime.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
Hey, this is great. You guys always leave food lying
around like this? You're gonna get fat, Charlie.
Everything all right in there?
- Yeah, I'll be right in.
"Tell me, thenb Apollo,
who from your lofty perch looked down
with manner cool upon the massive fire.
Here's your milk.
- Oh, thanks.
My stomach is a minefield.
Ulcers everywhere.
Then maybe you shouldn't be eating that fried zucchini.
- Oh, no. Vegetables are fine.
Now, you wanted carpet for the bedroom, right?
- Yeah
Can I take a quick look at it?
- No, it's being used.
Linda is sleeping.
Is she sick?
- No. Yeah
Well, she's a little run down.
- Oh, yeah.
Honey, what's the matter?
- I can't do this.
Well then let's just call
the whole thing off.
Tell me I'm doing the right thing.
Tell me I'm acting responsibly.
Is that Ray?
She had a nightmare.
- Poor kid. Yeah...
I like that outfit.
The... uh... little hearts on it?
I should pick one of those up for Dorothy.
Oh, has she lost weight?
- No.
So, you and Linda got a general idea what you're looking for?
- Yeah, earth colors.
Excuse me.
Ah, that's a nice robe you got there.
- Thank you. It's yours.
She's locked herself in the bathroom
and I can't get her out.
Well, what'd you do to her?
You must be cousin Ray.
Linda told me that you were down here.
I sell carpets.
This is all a secret, you know.
I hope Charlie explained that to you.
- Oh, yeah.
Do you like poetry?
Later.
I think she's ready for you.
Forget the poems.
He's a masseuse.
- Oh, yeah.
Is that guy holding you hostage?
- No.
What the hell is going on here?
Have you ever heard of oligospermia?
Oh, yeah. That's like ESP
Is there something that you want me to touch?
- No.
I can't explain it...
It's just... I can't get it...
Look ...
Pretend that I'm your husband.
- No, no that's not gonna work.
Pretend that I'm Mel Gibson.
Pretend that I'm somebody
I'm not real good at pretending
Then stop pretending.
But it's your own wife
your own bathrobe ...
Charlie, why didn't you ask me?
I have two kinds, you know?
You were under consideration.
You know, in fact, I think
you were a finalist.
Strictly business, huh?
- Um--Strictly.
Is she all right?
What?
- You screamed.
Well, I got a little excited.
When's the next appointment?
- Tonight.
We have to take advantage of my ovulation.
- Oh, I know, I know.
Strike while the iron's hot.
Charlie ...
I'm finished.
1:30.
- I fell asleep.
Charlie... Thanks again.
Good catch!
Bravo!
- Oh way to go!
Motherhood seems like such a challenge.
I really hope I'm up to it.
Are you expecting?
- No, no, we're trying very hard.
You'll make a wonderful mother.
You're so good with clothes.
I want to rasie a perfectly normal child.
Open, un-blocked, un-traumatized.
You never hit them, do you?
- No, no.
They're too quick.
Hey! Didn't you hear me calling you?
- Gordon, this is Mrs. Alderson - Charlie's wife.
Hello.
The toilet is running upstairs.
How and I supposed to concentrate with the toilet running?
Well I didn't use it.
- Did you?
No!
- Well, she's been here with me the whole time.
Well somebody must have used it unless
the toilet is flushing itself lately.
Gordon all you have to do is
wiggle the little handle.
Wiggle? I'm not going to waste my divine
energy on toilet handles.
I am in the grip of a creative surge.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
Oh, I'll be right back.
Oh, wait, lemme get some cookies for the kids.
Sorry.
Why must my heart be held
hostage to your kidneys?
When will this persecution end?
Oh, Gordon .. .
Not in front of the children.
They have to learn about adultery
sooner or later.
Oh Gordon,
we've seen the doctor.
We struck out.
Oh, what a shame. We'll have to try again.
And again and again...
Could take months...
Careful, goddamit!
Little savages!
Oh, God... I'm going crazy.
I've always been out of my mind. It's
never really been a problem for me.
What am I gonna tell Charlie...
-Don't tell Charlie anything--he knows what we're doing.
Yes, I know, but he thinks it's business.
- Well let him think that. Every business deal has its perks.
Yeah, but I think there's a
question of morality here.
This is the hand of God at work.
He wants us together, you know he does.
Two special people
destined to create a special child.
A star child.
I fixed it.
- There
Gordon, what are you doing?
- There, there - is that better?
She has a crick in her neck
- Well that's not gonna help, Gordon!
Here, sit down.
Did you fix the toilet?
- I just turned the water off for now.
Oh, that's brilliant!
Suppose I have to use the toilet?
Is there never any consideration for me?
I hope he didn't upset you while I was gone.
Now hold on...
That's better, that's better. Yes, thank you.
Really? - Yes, yes.
I learned that in my holistic medicine class.
My hands have healing properties.
Hey! Watch it!
They're so cute.
What made you have 5 kids anyway?
Did you plan it?
Oh, no, no. They just came
like the flowers in May.
You know, Gordon doesn't believe in contraception.
He finds that's it symbolically distasteful.
So there's no telling how many kids you might wind up with, huh?
- Oh, no. We're finished.
Oh, so you can't ...
- Oh! I can.
No, the doctor says I'm
a regular baby machine.
Oh, so you don't...
- Of course we do.
Gordon would rather stop breathing.
Well then how do you know...
- Gordon had himself taken care of.
A vasectomy.
Oh, did that go up inside your nose?
.. A vasectoma.
- Yeah, you know it's that, um...
When they snip the little tube that goes from the
thinga-ma-bobs up to the thinga-ma-jig.
Ah, Gordon can explain it much better than I can.
You should ask him sometime.
A vasectomy. Ohh...
Hey, Linda. Charlie home?
- No.
Good. Good to see you.
Just thought I'd stop by and take another
measurement for that carpet. You mind?
Just wanna make sure the fit is right.
That's how you build a business
Gotta have something to pass on to your kids.
Ray ...
Hey, what happened to the treat part?
Nice ass...
Ah! You scared me!
Oh here you are. Gordon would have a
fit seeing you sitting at his desk.
Sacred territory, you know.
I just wanted to see how the world
looked through the eyes of a geniuso.
Not much different. Oh, thanks.
Where is Gordon? Out prowling the
cemeteries looking for inspiration?
No, he said he was going over to your house.
- Oh, right. Gee, I forgot.
Musta just missed him. -You don't have to
cover for him, Charlie. I know what's going on.
You do?
- Gordon's in love again.
Whatta ya mean again?
- He's always falling in love. He's a poet.
I found some of his file' deau.
His what?
- His love letters.
He hides 'em here behind Thomas Hardy.
It's the one place I always look
They're poems actually,
and they're not very good.
"Now are we free to let our passions wander.
While he walks off in his seedless
state to ponder.
Oh, Muse,
Was every love so curiously found!
Adultery by contract,
Legally bound.
In token thus, I bend
with feverish lips
to kiss the hearts that dance
upon your hips".
He always writes that corny mush
when he's having an affair.
Do you have any idea
who the woman is?
- Probably some bubble-headed
co-ed from one of his classes.
It doesn't bother you?
There are so many things to
be worried about, Charlie.
The greenhouse effect, oil spills,
garbage in space,
There's no cheese in Thailand.
Oh, he's just being true to his nature.
I can't argue with that.
It's just human nature.
Well, you're human too, aren't you?
I mean... of course you are.
It's just human nature to
want a little revenge.
Oh, I get my revenge in little ways.
I erase his favorite video tapes.
It drives him crazy.
Well, there's revenge ...
And there's revenge.
Now I know if it were me, I ...
What should I do?
Have an affair of my own?
Now where would I find the energy?
Besides, who in the whole world would
want to run around with someone like me?
Would you?
Look... I've been thinking...
I know I've been fighting
you on this whole thing
so far and I haven't been
exactly supportive...
well, it's like you said.
We're both adults.
Look, I just want you to know
that I'm behind you 100%
Thanks, honey.
Let's go upstairs...
Now?
- Yeah. Light some candles...
put on some music, tear off our clothes,
and scream until the rafters shake.
Honey... Gordon's coming over.
Tonight? This isn't Gordon's night.
This isn't even Gordon's week.
I know, I know, but you know I have to go to
Oakland tomorrow for that trade show
And it's the only time I could squeeze him in.
- But aren't you in a low fertility cycle?
I'm on the cusp. -Yeah, but...
You know I want to spend the night with you
but we have to put business before pleasure.
What am I supposed to do?
Take another walk? Take in another movie?
The library's open late
tonight. -The library?
Honey, he doesn't want you in the house
and he is doing us a favor.
You ever think that maybe we're priming the wrong pump here-that maybe the well has gone dry?
Charlie, I'm doing the best I canr.
What are you doing?
Writing.
- Aren't you supposed to be at my house?
And?
- Well that's what Linda told me.
Oh... well, then... I'll just
Go there.
Strange.
Nah, it couldn't be, his wife is way too beautiful.
Sexy, supple ...
Erotic
Anyway, $40 a square yard,
wall-to-wall.
I could tell you carpet
stories you wouldn't believe.
'bout ready to get started?
- Yeah, yeah, just gotta get my socks off.
Charlie may be home early. He
was in a funny mood tonight.
I don't see why we don't tell Charlie about
this-make things a lot simpler
Yeah, he'd kill both of us.
- Oh, no - I don't think so.
I mean Charlie's very fond of me
and all my tubes are intact.
I still say you should report this other guy to consumer
affairs of something. I mean he did sign a contract.
Can we get started?
Oh, yeah.
How come you never wear that little this
with the hearts on it for me?
A little inspiration would be helpful.
Hello?
Charlie?
- It's Gordon.
Who?
- He's coming up. Hide.
No, closet-closet.
Gordon.
Gordon, what are you doing here?
This isn't your night.
That's what I thought, but I just saw Charlie
down at the lounge and he said you were waiting for me.
No, he must have misunderstood. I'm
still in low fertility cycle.
Well, mistakes can happen, but since I'm
already here... Look--
Whipped cream.
Oh, no I've gotta get some sleep. I have
to be in Oakland in the morning.
Oakland is a perfect place to get some sleep.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why are you so
anxiouis to get rid of me? - Because I'm tired.
Tired? You're always tired lately.
- Yeah, well I've been working too hard.
At what? Certainly not me.
Last few weeks you've been rather...
unmotivated, I would say.
And secretive.
- What about you? You have your secrets, don't you?
Me? My life is an open book where all
may come and browse.
Wasn't there something you forgot to tell me?
Some little footnote you forgot to mention?
Something you might be hiding?
- We all have something to hide, I'm sure.
What are you hiding in there?
- I can't. Not tonight.
Alright. Have your silly, little female pout
I'll see you in a week when you get back.
- Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
See you next week.
I thought he was out of the picture.
You didn't tell Charlie?
It's very complicated.
- I see.
Don't rush off, he's gone.
- Hey, I don't like this at all.
I thought this was just
about having a baby.
I don't wanna get involved in any love
triangle, rectangle, whatever it is.
Besides, doesn't he know that you know about his condition?
- No, I wanted him to tell me.
Why? - Because if he knew that I knew then
this'd be an affair instead of an agreement.
It is an affair.
- It is not an affair.
I don't think about him that way.
I just need a little time to get
out of this thing gracefully, that's all.
I think there's a little more to it than
that, Linda, and it's spelled S-E-X.
No it's not. And if I stop seeing Gordon, how
am I gonna explain the baby to Charlie?
But that doesn't explain the fact that you're still both
cheating on him. - Yes, it does.
Charlie knows that we're sleeping together
So how can you call that cheating?
It's you--you're the one
he doesn't know about.
Yeah, but you're not interested in me.
I never said that.
Well, I sorta like youi too, Linda.
No, sorry, this is not good.
I gotta tell Charlie, make a clean
breast of it.
You tell Charlie
I tell Dorothy.
Off to the library. See you later.
Hiya, neighbor.
Goes with my arms...
Get it? Disarmament?
It's an idea I had to raise the socio-political
consciousness of high fashion...
while raising money for Mothers
For A Good Earth.
I'm ready to make my first contribution.
Think it's a good idea?
-Yeah.
We want to strip the world of
all nuclear weapons.
I haven't done the missionary
position in years.
Mmm - isn't it great?
- Yeah.
Hi, honey,
- Hi Charlie.
How ya doing?
- Oh, the usual.
What's happening with you?
-Oh, just hanging out.
Look, you just go ahead and take your time.
I'll find something to keep me occupied.
Yeah? Okay, bye.
Doctor, I wanted to ask you ...
If I increase my sexual activity
Will that help my sperm count?
In the medical profession
we have an expression:
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
In cases like yours, we have often found
that success can be achieved
with positive thinking.
Mind over matter.
Mind over matter, huh?
Yes! What is the most important sex
organ in a man?
The mind. -The mind? -The mind.
The mind can rob you of a good night's sleep,
an erection, an orgasm.
Worrying is like a killer. You
cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought.
I want you to indulge yourself in your sexual
fantasies. Go wild.
And I want you to try these positions.
Here's an entire book of sexual positions.
Helped me and the missus very much.
Whoa - look at these pictures!
- Why should the illiterate suffer?
Take this book, go home.
Don't make babies, make love.
Go enjoy yourself. Avoid page 52.
It caused welts. My wife is still liimping.
Rip.
- Charlie.
Rip.
- Charlie.
Need a hand with that?
- Nah, this is the last one up there.
Hey! Get off the furniture! Excuse me.
Hello, Merry Christmas. C'mon in.
Your guests are arriving
- Ah, who cares. I didn't invite them.
I think you really ought to greet them
after all, you are the master of the house.
If only it were so.
Those bells...
Christmas is the season of peace.
That's all I want. Peace!
Gordon, listen I have to ta...
Linda, could you do me a favor? Could you watch the
door? I've gotta go to the bathroom again.
God, she's a nervous wreck. It's the fifth
time she's been to the bathroom already.
She must be hitting the egg nog heavy
- Listen, Gordon ...
What rhymes with hernia?
Gordon ...
- Those bells!
Those bells!
Someone must stop those bells...
I'll talk to you later.
Hey. You look very cute tonight.
- Thank you--it's the new one you bought me.
I know.
So where have you been?
- Working overtime...are you playing host now, too?
Mmm-hmm?
I've got something I want to talk to you
about. It's important.
Hi.
Charlie ...
What rhymes with hernia?
- Oligospermia.
Merry Christmas, Gordon.
That's... Thank you!
This is quite a role reversal, isn't it?
Usually, you're visiting my house.
How's the experiment going? Heading
into the fifth month, I believe.
I don't know what's causing the delay.
All I can urge is perseverance.
Ah, no rush.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
- Quite right.
So tell me, how's Maureen handling the situation?
Does she suspect anything?
Completed wrapped up in her own affairs.
I imagine she is.
Looks like you're going to have a good turnout.
I hate parties with people in them.
Oligospermia.
Oligospermia.
Merry Christmas
I'm pregnant.
I found out this morning.
I'm well into the second month.
Which means it happened sometime between
Halloween and Thanksgiving
Well?
Congratulations.
What are you doing?
Abandoning the pregnant woman?
Well you're with Gordon.
Everyone's with Gordon.
It's not Gordon's baby.
- Well whose is it?
Whattaya mean 'whose is it?' It's yours.
No, no, no...
this is Gordon's baby,
that's all there is to that.
You think I'm lying?
- Oh, I have no doubt you're pregnant. Seems
to be the house specialty around here
but it has nothing to do with me.
- This is not Gordon's baby.
He had a vasectomy.
What?
A vasectomy. It's where they cut the whatchamacallit
that goes to the thingamahbob.
I know what a vasectomy is.
- So you see?
It's your baby, Charlie.
The question is, what are we gonna do?
So you think Gordon and Linda should be involved?
- Well, they're a lot more involved than you think.
Maureen, the guru is here.
Charlie ...
I'm pregnant.
- You?
Must have been around, I
dunno, Halloween or something.
See? A little patience...
I knew Gordon would come through for us.
Here, gimme your hand. Can you feel it?
Have you told Gordon yet?
- No.
I'll bet he'll be surprised.
- Why should he be surprised?
Because you don't see too many women getting knocked
up by a guy who's had a vasectomy. I are really impressed.
A what?
- You know where the cut the fuel line to the thingamahbob?
But that means that he's been deceiving me?
Taking advantage of me. Using me.
And he seemed like such a nice man.
- Oh, I don't even want to think about it.
Well then, think about this...
If it's not Gordon's baby.
Whose is it?
It's mine!
Of course! Of course, it's yours!
Now, if you had listened to me.
We could have avoided all this
disgusting business.
Okay...
What a fool I've been.
Come on over here, little mamma
Rest your little feet
And I'm gonna go find little Gordon
and kill him.
Oh... this will do...
Did you see Gordon?
- No.
Linda, I have to talk to you.
- How 'bout you? Have you seen Gordon?
No.
What are you doing here?
- I had to see you.
I waited at that hotel yesterday for 2 hours
and now today you don't return any of my calls.
You make me feel unwanted.
- You are unwanted! Get out of here!
Linda, don't toy with me like this.
- I am not toying. I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby?
Shh! Charlies in the house.
- I knew we could do it.
It's done, our business is concluded.
Now, go away!
Go away? I'm not gonna desert you now.
And I think it's time that Charlie knew the truth about us.
- What truth? There is no truth. We were pretending.
I've been a carpet salesman for many years
And I know the genuine article when I see it.
What about those screams, huh?
Dorothy never screamed like that.
I always scream. It's a nervous reaction.
No, no. It's the call of the wild.
I feel it too. I wake up in the morning and
I'm like a teenager again.
Get off of me. I've got no interest in you..
You can't reason with me. I'm an animal.
Jungle fever's raging in my blood.
It's over. Can't you accept
that the job is done?
Have pity on my, Linda.
I'm a man who's never known passion
in his whole life.
Oh, Ray ...
Gordon! Gordon!
This is my meditation spot.
Oh, my...
- Gad!
Let's go give out some presents.
I hope I didn't embarass you.
Gordon... I want you dead...
We need to talk.
Christmas parties bring out the ugliest
women in town, don't you think?
We have to talk.
- Yes, let's talk.
I'm pregnant.
- You are? Well good for you.
That's your reaction?
- Well you don't expect me to be surprised do you?
After all, getting pregnant was the main
objective as I recall.
Your duplicity is staring you right in the
face and you don't even blink!
Duplicity? How was I duplicitous? I told you about
my genius, my lack of principals, my love...
A love spacious enough
to embrace a whole whirling galaxy.
But did youi tell me about your vasectomy?
- No, I didn't.
Did you tell me your thingamahbob was in drydock?
- No, I have to admit...
You'll have to admit! You
have to admit you led me on!
All that bullshit about star children and
destiny and flowers that match my eyes
You exploited my natural urges so
you could sleep with me, didn't you?
Well, that's one way of looking at it, but believe
me there are extenuating circumstances.
Well then, extenuate for us, by all means.
Charlie! Charlie, you have a rather
murderous glint in your eye...
I hope that doesn't presage the acting out of
irrational implulses.
I've always prided myself on being fair
and open-minded.
And I'm sure you have good, solid reasons
for not telling us about your vasectomy.
I'm all ears.
- To be perfectly honest, the reason I didn't tell you was
that I didn't think that you would find out about it.
Bad answer!
- Charlie, Charlie, wait. Try to see it from my standpoint.
You have a lovely wife. A lovely, voluptuous,
ravishing pearl.
And you offered her to me on a silve platter.
Now suppose I offered you my wife? What would you have done?
- Don't change the subject.
The subject is, I'm gonna kill you!
- Charlie, violence is never a civilized alternative.
Get your slimy hands off my wife!
Charlie, just because I am a poet...
... Doesn't mean that you can push
me around.
Charlie! For God's sakes, Charlie!
Hi, Charlie.
Oh, Santa forgot to mark them
There's no names...
Would you mind dialing my lawyer for me?
You're gonna need a lawyer.
You broke your contract.
I got her pregnant, didn't I?
- You got her pregnant? I got her pregnant.
Can I say something?
- You, shut up!
You... An admitted oligospermiac.
Don't make me laugh.
It only takes one, pal. I may not have much
juice, but at least I'm still hooked up to the generator.
He's got a point, Gordon.
- Pay no attention to his cretinous arguments
what does your heart say? What does your
womb say? You know I'm the father.
I'm the father.
- Actually, I'm the father.
Santa doesn't have anymore presents.
What is wrong witih you?
- She's overcome.
I'm pregnant.
- What?
Again?
Whattaya mean you're pregnant. I thought
you said he has a vasectomy.
Gordon's not the father.
What? Did you expect me to spend every
night at the library?
I can't believe it. You and Maureen?
Well what about you and Gordon? You gonna
pretend that was business?
Gordon?
That's right and there's the other woman--
the bubble-headed co-ed.
The hearts dancing on her hips...
And here's the evidence.
The incriminating filly-do.
Don't be silly
These are poems of friendship.
And naturally, when you sleep with someone for 4 months
there's bound to be some kind of platonic relationship.
Four month?
- It was just a business relationship.
Obviously, if I had known about his vasectomy
I wouldn't have let him near me.
But I told you he had a vasectomy three months ago.
- Three months and four days.
Was it that long?
- You knew?
You knew? - Oh, yeah.
- I was never sure.
And while you were sipping my tea, you were
sleeping with my husband?
But you were sleeping with my husband.
- But that was for revenge.
You were supposed to be trying to have a baby. You were lying.
- No she wasn't.
Ray, I'd really rather you...
- No, let's get this out in the open.
I'm not gonna stand here and see your
character besmirched.
This brave and wonderful woman had one dream
in her whole life - to have a baby.
Now is that so wrong? And I am proud to say
that she turned to me. I was her provider.
You've been screwing Ray?
- It was your idea.
The one time she listens to me!
- Well, wait a minute.
Let's look at the situation objectivey.
I've been sleeping with Linda
You've been sleeping with Maureen.
Linda's been sleeping with Ralph...
- Ray.
Linda claims to be pregnant,
Charlie claims to be the father, Ray claims
to be the father, and I claim to be the father.
Which is impossible.
- Is it?
Youi had a vasectomy.
- I have also had a vasovasostemy.
What do you say to that?
- A vaso... A what?
A vasovasostemy. A reverse vasectomy.
Oh, come on - you can't do that.
- It's been done. I'm a whole man again.
You mean you let them go in there twice?
- I had to fulfill my end of the bargain.
Oh, give us a break, Gordon. Do you believe this beeswax?
A vasocolostomy?
Vasovastotemy, you peabrain.
- I don't care what you call it, it's nonsense.
Might as well face the truth, Charlie.
I love her and she adores me.
We can't pretend anymore.
We're past the point of no return.
No.
You rejecting me? Me?
- I told you it was a business arrangement.
You mean to say that youi don't love me?
That you never loved me?
That all those nights of honey and whipped
cream were figments of my imagination?
We don't belong together, Gordon,
we have nothing in common.
We have the star child!
- Oh, please.
Gordon, this is the real world,
not some epic poem.
You belong with Maureen,
and I belong with Charlie.
Someday we'll all look back at
this and laugh.
I'm laughing now.
So this is how it ends.
You don't deserve to carry my baby.
- It's my baby.
It's my baby.
- It's my baby and I'll decide who the father is.
That would be a neat solution
Get rid of anything that's inconvenient.
Yeah, like you. Come on, Linda
we're going.
Good! Go!
Get thee hence!
And take your illegitimate progeny with you!
Gordon, you're behaving like a child.
Leave them.
Let them be trampled underfoot.
Like I have been, downtrodden by a mad,
unworthy passion.
Ah, who cares about your damned
poems anyway. I told you he was a nut.
Come on, Linda, we're going.
- Let go of me.
No, Linda. I've been letting go too long.
From now on .. .
We do things our way.
I don't care what you say,
it's still my baby.
In case you ever need any new carpets.
- I like my carpets.
Oh, yeah...
Are you waiting for an encore?
Do you think I made my point?
Yes, I think you made your point.
Good.
After all that, I didn't
need any help.
And it turned out alright.
Gordon went back to Maureen.
Linda came back to me.
We all learned something about life.
Lotsa new positions!
Linda got pregnant, Maureen got pregnant,
And it was all me!
The new sperm king is gonna be a father!
Congratulations!
It's triplets!
I love my work.
I'm so happy for you...
Or you...
Or you...
- Oh, yeah.
Whichever.
- Oh, please do.
Mr. & Mrs. Alderson, our preliminary tests suggest
that you are suffering from oligospermia,
complicated by a slightly non-functioning
nagging asthenozoospermia
and with a trace of teratozoospermia.
My God, what does this mean?
Sperm-wise... you're shootin' blanks.
He's just not delivering the goods.
In what way?
- In no way.
The size, the shape, the way they move
their little tails only to the left ...
It's a complete breakdown of spermatazoa.
You mean it's not my fault?
- No! No, no,
You passed your fertility
test with flying colors.
You're a baby machine. She's a baby machine. He's
the one; you're the one with the shortcoming.
You mean it has something
to do with length?
She's a lot of laughs, huh?
I don't know; I was just asking...
No, you take me... She
takes me too literally.
This is a specimen of your own semen.
- Go on.
Here you go, this is your
frozen semen right here.
Notice how sickly they are.
They're just swimming
around in circles, they'll
never get anywhere.
Now here, on the other hand, is a sample
of my son's sperm.
Notice how robust they are.
- See those little suckers swimming?
Yeah, well, if you believe in that sort of thing...
It looks like the Olympics, doesn't it?
My son has produced three grandchildren
and there's one in the oven.
Maybe you'd like to borrow him..
Oh, no... not again... not here.
I bet that guy has no
problem with length.
Here's my boy.
Three grandchildren and one on the way.
What a guy!
What kind of underwear do you use?
-What?
Does he wear excessively tight underwear?
- No, not excessively.
You could lose a few pounds.
- You mean... I thought you meant...
You're right. She is a lot of laughs.
I want you to wear boxer shorts.
My friend,
we've got to get you some breathing room.
breathing room. Go...
Breathing room...
I gotta write that down..
Jockey and bikinis constrict.
Boxers shorts are your testicles'
best friends.
I we wanna be friends with our testicles,
no jockey or bikini.
So it has something to do with temperature?
- Exactly.
The production of sperm occurs best if the
temperature of the genetalia sack is less than 95 degrees.
We have to lower the temperature of your testicles.
So cold water might help?
- Yes, try ice packs.
The keyword
is looseare and cool.
Loose and cool...
- So, do we all agree?
Okay, see you next time.
Cherry.
I hate boxer shorts.
- I think I know where I can get some on sale.
Oligospermia ... I want a recount.
Oh... Oh, look at that baby.
Come here.
Come here.
Come back here.
Don't you run away from me.
This is ridiculous.
- I think boxer shorts are sexy.
You do not.
- But Dr. Bekhard wants you to wear them.
Well, Dr. Bekhard can kiss my genital sack.
Where are my jockies?
Charlie!
We're gonna have to start getting serious
about this.
The baby was originally planned for November.
March, April,
now I can see May slipping away.
Aw, my personal organizer's a mess.
I'm sorry, Charlie, I know how difficult
this must be for you.
If we really work hard at this, if we
really make an effort
To go the extra yard,
we can have that baby.
The time is right. The planets, the
stars are aligned in perfect consanance.
And they're sending forth their music to
hail the coming of the Star Child.
The what?
- The Star Child.
Oh, she's gonna be beautiful, Charlie.
She'll have long golden hair
and little pink cheeks.
and she's gonna sing and dance
and write poetry.
Oh, God... I can't wait!
Not now.
- Why not? I'm ready to go the extra yard.
But I'm not ovulating.
From now on we've got to pick our spots.
Save it...for... umm... Thursday.
You can't afford to be throwing it away.
Oh! don't forget to pick up that ice pack.
Sorry... sorry...
My ice pack slipped.
Charlie ...
Oh, your wife is some fox...
Hey! Frank!
- What? It's true.
Is this woman a fox or what?
See?
I can't believe you can't get her pregnant.
It's a low sperm count. I am
doing the best I can.
You know, I heard somewhere that your sperm count can
be affected by the color of your bedroom carpet.
Get outta here!
- No, seriously.
I mean it's psychological.
Some colors just aren't fertile.
I wish I knew the answer.
Linda really wants this kid and if she
wants something, she wants it.
I'm telling you it's your bedroom carpet.
Now, what color is your bedroom carpet?
White. Off-white.
Off-white? Off-white is sterile, man.
You need something in earth colors.
You know, something fertile.
Carpet ...
I don't need no stinking carpets.
Let's go.
- Again?
Yep.
Aldersen.
- Honey, it's me.
Listen, my temperature's rising.
You gotta make it home tonight right after work.
I can't honey, I'm going to the game with Frank.
- Uh-uh. Not anymore.
Rip Mallory -
genius in his own mind.
It that's for me, I'm not here.
Not taking any calls, huh?
Hi, honey. Want a drink?
We had an appointment.
Do you know what time it is?
Ah, Shit!
Unmitigated trash!
Dear, dear, dear!
Well?
-I fear we may be dealing with an
internal complication here.
There may be a distrubed
endrocrine system
Perhaps a varicose vein in the
spermatic duct.
We might need some surgery. We might...
But before we do, we'll do a blood test
and we'll take some tissue from your testicles.
You're gonna do what?
- A testicular biopsy.
We simple make a quarter of an
inch incision in your scrotum
And we take a little tissue from each of your
testicles. It's a very simple procedure.
We do micro-surgery on both of your testicles and
before you know it, you'll be... back in the saddle again.
He's gone...
I can't believe the way you're acting.
You're behaving like a child.
I don't care, Linda.
Nobody's taking any of my tissue.
I need all I can get.
It's a surgical procedure.
- It's a knife, Linda! A knife!
I've always believed you should keep
pointed objects as far away from your testicles as possible!
My balls are my friends.
I like 'em. I prefer them in their totality.
Well what about my totality? Don't you understand
much this means to me?
What are you watching?
- "The Big Chill."
How appropriate.
- Obviously this isn't working.
Maybe time to explore some other options.
Well how about that test tube baby idea?
I like that one.
I told you I don't want any part of it.
- Of sure.
Because then they'll start poking around inside of you
and carrying pieces of you off to the lab.
And it's not natural. If I'm gonna have a natural
childbirth I'm gonna have a natural conception, too.
A baby should conceived in an explosion
of passion with sweat and hormones.
Organically, naturally.
- There's only one natural way I know of and we're striking out that way
Come on, Linda.
Don't let it bother you.
We'll just have to keep trying, that's all.
Remember what Dr. Beckhard said?
Miracles can happen.
[This is serious.]
[Maybe I really do have
to change the carpets.]
You know, I've been thinking of giving cousin Ray
a call. You know, Ray Burns?
He owns that carpet store out in Pomona.
I thought that maybe he'd give us a good price
on a new bedroom rug.
A rug? Hmm...
Yeah, I thought maybe it'd help -
A little change of pace, something different, you know?
Yes Charlie I've been thinking this out...
This is just an idea, but, uh...
Whatta you think about a surrogate father?
A what?
- A surrogate father.
Well, fuck me!
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't think the idea's totally without merit. Remember
in "The Big Chill" the single woman wants to have a baby...
And she can't find a husband so her best
friend loans her her husband sort of like a donor?
And all this, it turns out to be
a real positive thing.
And she has the baby?
- How am I supposed to know? The movie ends before that.
Well how do you know he didn't have oligospermia?
- Because it's only a movie, Charlie.
Exactly, Linda.
- You just don't wanna listen to me!
Oh, I'm listening. You want
somebody else to be the father of my child, right?
Wrong. Wrong. That is the wrong way to look at it.
You're still gonna be the spiritual father.
It's not like you haven't had any input.
Oh, and what kind of input am I gonna have?
Do I get to coach from the sidelines?
Make breakfast for the two of you?
Oh, how would you like your eggs? Ovulating?
Charlie, I expect you to help me choose the
right man. That's what I want. Someone you can relate to.
You know what I find incredible, Linda?
Not that you're planning on screwing somebody.
Not that you're telling me about it.
Even that you're asking me to help...
No! What really kills me is that you expect me
to be enthusiastic about it!
I'm talking about an impersonal business situation.
You're talking about sex, Linda.
You are talking about being penetrated by a dick
other than my own, that's what you're talking about!
All you care about is that somebody might be tresspassing on your
personal property, that's all you care about. Like you've got sole grazing rights.
Well, it's not public domain, is it?
I didn't have to tell you about this, Charlie
I could have pursued this on my own.
But I wanted your participation,
I wanted your support. And right away you turn on me.
Do you think
I want to go sleep with a perfect stranger?
Do you think I'm looking forward
to that experience?
Don't you have any faith in me?
Look, Honey... Honey, Linda, look...
I feel the same way you do about this
but let's face facts.
There's no law that says we have
to have a baby.
Now there are plenty of marriages without children
and they last 40-50 years
Yeah? This marriage won't.
[Ahhh... Maybe she's right.]
[Maybe I'm being too selfish.]
[Maybe I've gotta sacrifice myself
for our marriage...]
[Oh, man, I don't know...]
[Oh, she's so beautiful.]
[And she's basically faithful...]
[Maybe it won't be so bad after all...]
[Just as long as she doesn't like the jerk too much.]
So how would we go about finding this business partner?
I mean do we put a personal ad in the paper or what?
You're not interested.
- Of course I'm interested.
I mean if it's the only
choice available ... well...
First of all, it should be someone with a high sperm count
and a good track record.
We want to maximize the success of
a quick strike.
How about Dr. Beckhard's son?
Whoa, he has robust sperm.
I should be somebody you know,
and somebody you trust.
I don't trust anybody I know.
Hey, how about my brother Jack?
Well why not? Keep it in the family.
After all, the father should be somebody like me.
Honey, if we're gonna hand pick a sperm
donor, we might as well go for the best genes available.
I want our baby to have
every possible advantage.
Hey! How about cousin Ray?
- Good God!
Well, he's bright... and if you don't intend on enjoying the experience
well, I can't think of a better man for the job.
Be serious, would you?
What about one of your friends?
Well, don't keep me in suspense, Linda...
I can't pick the right man for you
if you don't tell me who he is.
Well, how about Gordon Mallory?
Gordon Mallory!
Who is Gordon Mallory?
- You know.
What do you call him? Ummm. Rip!
Rip Mallory! That nut?
He's not a nut. He seems like a very nice man.
He's weird. He writes poetry...which he'll recite
for you a the drop of a hat.
Yeah, yeah, but this is exactly what I'm talking about.
He's a writer, so he must be intelligent. And
bright and funny.
He's a nut. - Sensitive
Strange. -Eccentric.
Not dangerous, but he's just not the type of a guy
I'd like to bring home to sleep with my wife.
He does have five children.
- Strange, wild children.
In some ways not human.
- His wife seems very nice.
This is not normal family.
Believe me, I've heard stories.
Now... it was something about an ear...
- Five children, Charlie! Five!
Rip Mallory?
- We don't have to decide tonight..
Sleep on it.
[Maybe Rip won't accept.]
[Maybe he won't like her! Oh, shit! Of course he'll like her.]
[Maybe she won't like him. Oh, shit! Of course she'll like him.]
[Fuck me...]
Yep, fatherhood's a great experience.
It's turned me into a new man.
I mean you find out what's
really important in life, you know?
Charlie, check this one out with the hearts, huh?
What's the matter, Charlie?
What is it? Nothing new with Linda, huh?
Oh, I should be finding out something soon.
Charlie, look. You know, I been thinking...
Listen, if you're still stuck in neutral,
why don't you give me a shot at her?
I mean there's nothing wrong with my juice...
I'm just kidding, Charlie.
I'm just kidding.
Hello.
Hi. I'm Charlie Aldersen.
- Well yes, of course you are!
I'm Maureen.
Oh, just doing a little gardening.
You have a lovely garden.
Oh, yes... I have a gift for making
things grow.
You hear to see Gordon?
He's just writing an epic poem.
Gordon?
Charlie Aldersen is here.
What does he want?
He wants to talk to you.
Tell him I'm creating.
Tell him he intrudes upon the muse.
He ummm... He brought a bottle with him.
Clear the books off that chair.
What is it? Brandy, I hope...
Charlie. Come.
This is a happy surprise.
- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Let me take that.
I was just writing an epic poem, nothing serious.
Sit down.
Ah, root beer schnapps.
Ah, how's your wife?
- Linda ...
Fine.
Anyway I was just thinking of her the other day. I belong
to a meditation group and we chant regularly for world peace...
You can not hug a child
with nuclear arms.
Are you through?
I thought he came here to speak to me.
- Actually, yeah, I did.
Ah! There! He didn't come here to be assaulted
with your bumper-sticker mentality.
Hey! Go on! Go! Go on back to your
macrame. Leave us in peace.
Well, mention it to Linda when you can
and I'll call her someday.
So, Rip ...
- Would you like to hear some poetry?
Well, uh...
-Pull your chair closer. Enter the circle of intimate thought.
Quiet!
You're in for a treat, Charlie.
I started work on a modern
Homeric poem.
It's entitled, "The Nucleid."
Subject matter--annihilation.
Nuclear devastation.
It's a visionary work
Shot through with epiphanies of Blakian revelation.
Shut up!
Let's go somewhere quiet.
- I'd rather not. I... I...
I really wanted to talk in private.
Why?
It's a delicate matter.
There's something I want to ask you... A favor...
Well, I'll tell you, Charlie, I don't like doing people
favors. It tends to set a precedent.
Well, let me explain.
Linda and I... Well, we're trying to start a family.
Family? With children?
- Yes
There's nothing that I could say
that would make you change your mind?
She wants to have a... Star Child.
Star Child... yes...
They're very popular lately.
Well, I wish you luck, Charlie.
Believe me, getting there is most of the fun.
Well, that's the thing. It's not all that easy.
We've run into some difficulties.
- Oh, I see...
You've come to me for advice.
Well, I'll tell you Charlie. Have a little wine...
Read a little poetry, listen to Barry White records
I have this... this chemical condition.
It's called
Oligospermia.
- Low sperm count.
Words are my business.
Anyway, I've done everything I can to compensate
but they want me to have a testicular biopsy.
Yeah--I feel the same way--but Linda is dead set on
having this kid. Her clock is running.
Well this is an unfortunate situation, Charlie,
but what I can do?
Well... Ever seen "The Big Chill?"
- No.
Okay. In "The Big Chill,"
this woman, she's trying to have a baby...
And ...
Well, she borrows her husband's best friend.
The thing is, we need help.
You know, a substitute. A pinch-hitter.
Somebody with a good batting average...
Somebody with a good batting average...
Sperm-wise.
Ahhh... you mean ...
You mean ...
Let me get this fixed in my mind.
You mean you want me to actually ...
I realize it's a revolutionary idea
- It's Homeric!
And your wife is willing?
Look. You weren't her first choice.
I had to put a good word in for you.
And you don't mind?
- I'm... delighted.
Linda - she's the one I always see running
In the blue spandex
That's her.
- Lovely creature. Very supple..
Thank you.
I've never had an offer like this before.
I suppose we should sign
some sort of contract.
We weren't going to pay you
- Oh, no, I just want to be protected.
We're friends.
- We'll just draw up a friendly sort of agreement.
No one else need know. It goes
without saying that my wife
Maureen would be granted the blissful sleep of
the ingorant, which has always been her share.
You don't think she'd understand?
- I'm not entirely sure taht I understand.
Here's to ...
Here's to ...
...our child.
You didn't put those in yet?
It only takes 10 minutes
I dunno why we have to feed him anyway.
- It's called hospitality, dear.
How much more hospitable can we get?
- Remember, he's doing us the favor.
Did you put something in there?
-Mmm-hmm
Oh, what's this? Fried zucchini.
Where's the caviar?
It's just something to break the tension.
- I'm not tense.
Neither am I.
I've gotta go get changed.
Don't forget to put the weinies in.
He's gonna put the weinie in.
- Shh! He'll hear you.
Hi, neighbor.
For me?
Would you like a drink?
Sure, have a drink... have my wife. What else do you want?
Oh, I brought my full medical report.
My doctor says that I have
the general constitution of a marathon runner.
We'll settle for the 100 yard dash
This contract absolves you from all
responsibility - legal, financial, and otherwise.
Sign... on the bottom.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Linda.
I was just sampling your dip.
Very creamy.
- Thank you.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Excuse us.
What is this?
- This is a negligee you've seen before, Charlie.
Yes, I've seen it. Why is he seeing it.
-Because we're going to bed together that's why.
You don't have to advertise
the fact, do you?
What have you got underneath?
The lacy thing? You're wearing the lacy thing for him?
Well, it's either this or the fishnet teddy.
I don't want him to think I'm trashy.
But I bought that for you for Valentine's Day.
It's got the little hearts with the thingies and everything.
Well, I'm supposed to be seductive, aren't I?
The idea is to arouse him.
This guy's a pro. He doesn't need arousing.
Don't put it on a personal level. Calm down.
I know what I'm doing.
Um... would you like me
to put on some music?
Oh, how lovely.
They go with your eyes.
Excuse me.
She seems a little bit nervous.
- Well, it's her first time.
Maybe we should make this some other night?
- Okay.
Gordon.
I'm ready.
I guess that's my cue.
Thanks again, Charlie.
Oh, let me take those.
So, um...
- Here we are.
Nice room.
- Yeah, thanks.
Oh, um... Why don't youi
take off your jacket. Relax. -Sure.
Uh, just looking for my Giants jacket.
- It's downstairs.
Charlie.
Ray! Heck of a time
trying to find you guys.
This place is really coming along.
Must be nice to have money.
Speaking of which, how's Linda?
- What are you doing here?
Well, you told me to stop by anytime.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
Hey, this is great. You guys always leave food lying
around like this? You're gonna get fat, Charlie.
Everything all right in there?
- Yeah, I'll be right in.
"Tell me, thenb Apollo,
who from your lofty perch looked down
with manner cool upon the massive fire.
Here's your milk.
- Oh, thanks.
My stomach is a minefield.
Ulcers everywhere.
Then maybe you shouldn't be eating that fried zucchini.
- Oh, no. Vegetables are fine.
Now, you wanted carpet for the bedroom, right?
- Yeah
Can I take a quick look at it?
- No, it's being used.
Linda is sleeping.
Is she sick?
- No. Yeah
Well, she's a little run down.
- Oh, yeah.
Honey, what's the matter?
- I can't do this.
Well then let's just call
the whole thing off.
Tell me I'm doing the right thing.
Tell me I'm acting responsibly.
Is that Ray?
She had a nightmare.
- Poor kid. Yeah...
I like that outfit.
The... uh... little hearts on it?
I should pick one of those up for Dorothy.
Oh, has she lost weight?
- No.
So, you and Linda got a general idea what you're looking for?
- Yeah, earth colors.
Excuse me.
Ah, that's a nice robe you got there.
- Thank you. It's yours.
She's locked herself in the bathroom
and I can't get her out.
Well, what'd you do to her?
You must be cousin Ray.
Linda told me that you were down here.
I sell carpets.
This is all a secret, you know.
I hope Charlie explained that to you.
- Oh, yeah.
Do you like poetry?
Later.
I think she's ready for you.
Forget the poems.
He's a masseuse.
- Oh, yeah.
Is that guy holding you hostage?
- No.
What the hell is going on here?
Have you ever heard of oligospermia?
Oh, yeah. That's like ESP
Is there something that you want me to touch?
- No.
I can't explain it...
It's just... I can't get it...
Look ...
Pretend that I'm your husband.
- No, no that's not gonna work.
Pretend that I'm Mel Gibson.
Pretend that I'm somebody
I'm not real good at pretending
Then stop pretending.
But it's your own wife
your own bathrobe ...
Charlie, why didn't you ask me?
I have two kinds, you know?
You were under consideration.
You know, in fact, I think
you were a finalist.
Strictly business, huh?
- Um--Strictly.
Is she all right?
What?
- You screamed.
Well, I got a little excited.
When's the next appointment?
- Tonight.
We have to take advantage of my ovulation.
- Oh, I know, I know.
Strike while the iron's hot.
Charlie ...
I'm finished.
1:30.
- I fell asleep.
Charlie... Thanks again.
Good catch!
Bravo!
- Oh way to go!
Motherhood seems like such a challenge.
I really hope I'm up to it.
Are you expecting?
- No, no, we're trying very hard.
You'll make a wonderful mother.
You're so good with clothes.
I want to rasie a perfectly normal child.
Open, un-blocked, un-traumatized.
You never hit them, do you?
- No, no.
They're too quick.
Hey! Didn't you hear me calling you?
- Gordon, this is Mrs. Alderson - Charlie's wife.
Hello.
The toilet is running upstairs.
How and I supposed to concentrate with the toilet running?
Well I didn't use it.
- Did you?
No!
- Well, she's been here with me the whole time.
Well somebody must have used it unless
the toilet is flushing itself lately.
Gordon all you have to do is
wiggle the little handle.
Wiggle? I'm not going to waste my divine
energy on toilet handles.
I am in the grip of a creative surge.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
Oh, I'll be right back.
Oh, wait, lemme get some cookies for the kids.
Sorry.
Why must my heart be held
hostage to your kidneys?
When will this persecution end?
Oh, Gordon .. .
Not in front of the children.
They have to learn about adultery
sooner or later.
Oh Gordon,
we've seen the doctor.
We struck out.
Oh, what a shame. We'll have to try again.
And again and again...
Could take months...
Careful, goddamit!
Little savages!
Oh, God... I'm going crazy.
I've always been out of my mind. It's
never really been a problem for me.
What am I gonna tell Charlie...
-Don't tell Charlie anything--he knows what we're doing.
Yes, I know, but he thinks it's business.
- Well let him think that. Every business deal has its perks.
Yeah, but I think there's a
question of morality here.
This is the hand of God at work.
He wants us together, you know he does.
Two special people
destined to create a special child.
A star child.
I fixed it.
- There
Gordon, what are you doing?
- There, there - is that better?
She has a crick in her neck
- Well that's not gonna help, Gordon!
Here, sit down.
Did you fix the toilet?
- I just turned the water off for now.
Oh, that's brilliant!
Suppose I have to use the toilet?
Is there never any consideration for me?
I hope he didn't upset you while I was gone.
Now hold on...
That's better, that's better. Yes, thank you.
Really? - Yes, yes.
I learned that in my holistic medicine class.
My hands have healing properties.
Hey! Watch it!
They're so cute.
What made you have 5 kids anyway?
Did you plan it?
Oh, no, no. They just came
like the flowers in May.
You know, Gordon doesn't believe in contraception.
He finds that's it symbolically distasteful.
So there's no telling how many kids you might wind up with, huh?
- Oh, no. We're finished.
Oh, so you can't ...
- Oh! I can.
No, the doctor says I'm
a regular baby machine.
Oh, so you don't...
- Of course we do.
Gordon would rather stop breathing.
Well then how do you know...
- Gordon had himself taken care of.
A vasectomy.
Oh, did that go up inside your nose?
.. A vasectoma.
- Yeah, you know it's that, um...
When they snip the little tube that goes from the
thinga-ma-bobs up to the thinga-ma-jig.
Ah, Gordon can explain it much better than I can.
You should ask him sometime.
A vasectomy. Ohh...
Hey, Linda. Charlie home?
- No.
Good. Good to see you.
Just thought I'd stop by and take another
measurement for that carpet. You mind?
Just wanna make sure the fit is right.
That's how you build a business
Gotta have something to pass on to your kids.
Ray ...
Hey, what happened to the treat part?
Nice ass...
Ah! You scared me!
Oh here you are. Gordon would have a
fit seeing you sitting at his desk.
Sacred territory, you know.
I just wanted to see how the world
looked through the eyes of a geniuso.
Not much different. Oh, thanks.
Where is Gordon? Out prowling the
cemeteries looking for inspiration?
No, he said he was going over to your house.
- Oh, right. Gee, I forgot.
Musta just missed him. -You don't have to
cover for him, Charlie. I know what's going on.
You do?
- Gordon's in love again.
Whatta ya mean again?
- He's always falling in love. He's a poet.
I found some of his file' deau.
His what?
- His love letters.
He hides 'em here behind Thomas Hardy.
It's the one place I always look
They're poems actually,
and they're not very good.
"Now are we free to let our passions wander.
While he walks off in his seedless
state to ponder.
Oh, Muse,
Was every love so curiously found!
Adultery by contract,
Legally bound.
In token thus, I bend
with feverish lips
to kiss the hearts that dance
upon your hips".
He always writes that corny mush
when he's having an affair.
Do you have any idea
who the woman is?
- Probably some bubble-headed
co-ed from one of his classes.
It doesn't bother you?
There are so many things to
be worried about, Charlie.
The greenhouse effect, oil spills,
garbage in space,
There's no cheese in Thailand.
Oh, he's just being true to his nature.
I can't argue with that.
It's just human nature.
Well, you're human too, aren't you?
I mean... of course you are.
It's just human nature to
want a little revenge.
Oh, I get my revenge in little ways.
I erase his favorite video tapes.
It drives him crazy.
Well, there's revenge ...
And there's revenge.
Now I know if it were me, I ...
What should I do?
Have an affair of my own?
Now where would I find the energy?
Besides, who in the whole world would
want to run around with someone like me?
Would you?
Look... I've been thinking...
I know I've been fighting
you on this whole thing
so far and I haven't been
exactly supportive...
well, it's like you said.
We're both adults.
Look, I just want you to know
that I'm behind you 100%
Thanks, honey.
Let's go upstairs...
Now?
- Yeah. Light some candles...
put on some music, tear off our clothes,
and scream until the rafters shake.
Honey... Gordon's coming over.
Tonight? This isn't Gordon's night.
This isn't even Gordon's week.
I know, I know, but you know I have to go to
Oakland tomorrow for that trade show
And it's the only time I could squeeze him in.
- But aren't you in a low fertility cycle?
I'm on the cusp. -Yeah, but...
You know I want to spend the night with you
but we have to put business before pleasure.
What am I supposed to do?
Take another walk? Take in another movie?
The library's open late
tonight. -The library?
Honey, he doesn't want you in the house
and he is doing us a favor.
You ever think that maybe we're priming the wrong pump here-that maybe the well has gone dry?
Charlie, I'm doing the best I canr.
What are you doing?
Writing.
- Aren't you supposed to be at my house?
And?
- Well that's what Linda told me.
Oh... well, then... I'll just
Go there.
Strange.
Nah, it couldn't be, his wife is way too beautiful.
Sexy, supple ...
Erotic
Anyway, $40 a square yard,
wall-to-wall.
I could tell you carpet
stories you wouldn't believe.
'bout ready to get started?
- Yeah, yeah, just gotta get my socks off.
Charlie may be home early. He
was in a funny mood tonight.
I don't see why we don't tell Charlie about
this-make things a lot simpler
Yeah, he'd kill both of us.
- Oh, no - I don't think so.
I mean Charlie's very fond of me
and all my tubes are intact.
I still say you should report this other guy to consumer
affairs of something. I mean he did sign a contract.
Can we get started?
Oh, yeah.
How come you never wear that little this
with the hearts on it for me?
A little inspiration would be helpful.
Hello?
Charlie?
- It's Gordon.
Who?
- He's coming up. Hide.
No, closet-closet.
Gordon.
Gordon, what are you doing here?
This isn't your night.
That's what I thought, but I just saw Charlie
down at the lounge and he said you were waiting for me.
No, he must have misunderstood. I'm
still in low fertility cycle.
Well, mistakes can happen, but since I'm
already here... Look--
Whipped cream.
Oh, no I've gotta get some sleep. I have
to be in Oakland in the morning.
Oakland is a perfect place to get some sleep.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why are you so
anxiouis to get rid of me? - Because I'm tired.
Tired? You're always tired lately.
- Yeah, well I've been working too hard.
At what? Certainly not me.
Last few weeks you've been rather...
unmotivated, I would say.
And secretive.
- What about you? You have your secrets, don't you?
Me? My life is an open book where all
may come and browse.
Wasn't there something you forgot to tell me?
Some little footnote you forgot to mention?
Something you might be hiding?
- We all have something to hide, I'm sure.
What are you hiding in there?
- I can't. Not tonight.
Alright. Have your silly, little female pout
I'll see you in a week when you get back.
- Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
See you next week.
I thought he was out of the picture.
You didn't tell Charlie?
It's very complicated.
- I see.
Don't rush off, he's gone.
- Hey, I don't like this at all.
I thought this was just
about having a baby.
I don't wanna get involved in any love
triangle, rectangle, whatever it is.
Besides, doesn't he know that you know about his condition?
- No, I wanted him to tell me.
Why? - Because if he knew that I knew then
this'd be an affair instead of an agreement.
It is an affair.
- It is not an affair.
I don't think about him that way.
I just need a little time to get
out of this thing gracefully, that's all.
I think there's a little more to it than
that, Linda, and it's spelled S-E-X.
No it's not. And if I stop seeing Gordon, how
am I gonna explain the baby to Charlie?
But that doesn't explain the fact that you're still both
cheating on him. - Yes, it does.
Charlie knows that we're sleeping together
So how can you call that cheating?
It's you--you're the one
he doesn't know about.
Yeah, but you're not interested in me.
I never said that.
Well, I sorta like youi too, Linda.
No, sorry, this is not good.
I gotta tell Charlie, make a clean
breast of it.
You tell Charlie
I tell Dorothy.
Off to the library. See you later.
Hiya, neighbor.
Goes with my arms...
Get it? Disarmament?
It's an idea I had to raise the socio-political
consciousness of high fashion...
while raising money for Mothers
For A Good Earth.
I'm ready to make my first contribution.
Think it's a good idea?
-Yeah.
We want to strip the world of
all nuclear weapons.
I haven't done the missionary
position in years.
Mmm - isn't it great?
- Yeah.
Hi, honey,
- Hi Charlie.
How ya doing?
- Oh, the usual.
What's happening with you?
-Oh, just hanging out.
Look, you just go ahead and take your time.
I'll find something to keep me occupied.
Yeah? Okay, bye.
Doctor, I wanted to ask you ...
If I increase my sexual activity
Will that help my sperm count?
In the medical profession
we have an expression:
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
In cases like yours, we have often found
that success can be achieved
with positive thinking.
Mind over matter.
Mind over matter, huh?
Yes! What is the most important sex
organ in a man?
The mind. -The mind? -The mind.
The mind can rob you of a good night's sleep,
an erection, an orgasm.
Worrying is like a killer. You
cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought.
I want you to indulge yourself in your sexual
fantasies. Go wild.
And I want you to try these positions.
Here's an entire book of sexual positions.
Helped me and the missus very much.
Whoa - look at these pictures!
- Why should the illiterate suffer?
Take this book, go home.
Don't make babies, make love.
Go enjoy yourself. Avoid page 52.
It caused welts. My wife is still liimping.
Rip.
- Charlie.
Rip.
- Charlie.
Need a hand with that?
- Nah, this is the last one up there.
Hey! Get off the furniture! Excuse me.
Hello, Merry Christmas. C'mon in.
Your guests are arriving
- Ah, who cares. I didn't invite them.
I think you really ought to greet them
after all, you are the master of the house.
If only it were so.
Those bells...
Christmas is the season of peace.
That's all I want. Peace!
Gordon, listen I have to ta...
Linda, could you do me a favor? Could you watch the
door? I've gotta go to the bathroom again.
God, she's a nervous wreck. It's the fifth
time she's been to the bathroom already.
She must be hitting the egg nog heavy
- Listen, Gordon ...
What rhymes with hernia?
Gordon ...
- Those bells!
Those bells!
Someone must stop those bells...
I'll talk to you later.
Hey. You look very cute tonight.
- Thank you--it's the new one you bought me.
I know.
So where have you been?
- Working overtime...are you playing host now, too?
Mmm-hmm?
I've got something I want to talk to you
about. It's important.
Hi.
Charlie ...
What rhymes with hernia?
- Oligospermia.
Merry Christmas, Gordon.
That's... Thank you!
This is quite a role reversal, isn't it?
Usually, you're visiting my house.
How's the experiment going? Heading
into the fifth month, I believe.
I don't know what's causing the delay.
All I can urge is perseverance.
Ah, no rush.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
- Quite right.
So tell me, how's Maureen handling the situation?
Does she suspect anything?
Completed wrapped up in her own affairs.
I imagine she is.
Looks like you're going to have a good turnout.
I hate parties with people in them.
Oligospermia.
Oligospermia.
Merry Christmas
I'm pregnant.
I found out this morning.
I'm well into the second month.
Which means it happened sometime between
Halloween and Thanksgiving
Well?
Congratulations.
What are you doing?
Abandoning the pregnant woman?
Well you're with Gordon.
Everyone's with Gordon.
It's not Gordon's baby.
- Well whose is it?
Whattaya mean 'whose is it?' It's yours.
No, no, no...
this is Gordon's baby,
that's all there is to that.
You think I'm lying?
- Oh, I have no doubt you're pregnant. Seems
to be the house specialty around here
but it has nothing to do with me.
- This is not Gordon's baby.
He had a vasectomy.
What?
A vasectomy. It's where they cut the whatchamacallit
that goes to the thingamahbob.
I know what a vasectomy is.
- So you see?
It's your baby, Charlie.
The question is, what are we gonna do?
So you think Gordon and Linda should be involved?
- Well, they're a lot more involved than you think.
Maureen, the guru is here.
Charlie ...
I'm pregnant.
- You?
Must have been around, I
dunno, Halloween or something.
See? A little patience...
I knew Gordon would come through for us.
Here, gimme your hand. Can you feel it?
Have you told Gordon yet?
- No.
I'll bet he'll be surprised.
- Why should he be surprised?
Because you don't see too many women getting knocked
up by a guy who's had a vasectomy. I are really impressed.
A what?
- You know where the cut the fuel line to the thingamahbob?
But that means that he's been deceiving me?
Taking advantage of me. Using me.
And he seemed like such a nice man.
- Oh, I don't even want to think about it.
Well then, think about this...
If it's not Gordon's baby.
Whose is it?
It's mine!
Of course! Of course, it's yours!
Now, if you had listened to me.
We could have avoided all this
disgusting business.
Okay...
What a fool I've been.
Come on over here, little mamma
Rest your little feet
And I'm gonna go find little Gordon
and kill him.
Oh... this will do...
Did you see Gordon?
- No.
Linda, I have to talk to you.
- How 'bout you? Have you seen Gordon?
No.
What are you doing here?
- I had to see you.
I waited at that hotel yesterday for 2 hours
and now today you don't return any of my calls.
You make me feel unwanted.
- You are unwanted! Get out of here!
Linda, don't toy with me like this.
- I am not toying. I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby?
Shh! Charlies in the house.
- I knew we could do it.
It's done, our business is concluded.
Now, go away!
Go away? I'm not gonna desert you now.
And I think it's time that Charlie knew the truth about us.
- What truth? There is no truth. We were pretending.
I've been a carpet salesman for many years
And I know the genuine article when I see it.
What about those screams, huh?
Dorothy never screamed like that.
I always scream. It's a nervous reaction.
No, no. It's the call of the wild.
I feel it too. I wake up in the morning and
I'm like a teenager again.
Get off of me. I've got no interest in you..
You can't reason with me. I'm an animal.
Jungle fever's raging in my blood.
It's over. Can't you accept
that the job is done?
Have pity on my, Linda.
I'm a man who's never known passion
in his whole life.
Oh, Ray ...
Gordon! Gordon!
This is my meditation spot.
Oh, my...
- Gad!
Let's go give out some presents.
I hope I didn't embarass you.
Gordon... I want you dead...
We need to talk.
Christmas parties bring out the ugliest
women in town, don't you think?
We have to talk.
- Yes, let's talk.
I'm pregnant.
- You are? Well good for you.
That's your reaction?
- Well you don't expect me to be surprised do you?
After all, getting pregnant was the main
objective as I recall.
Your duplicity is staring you right in the
face and you don't even blink!
Duplicity? How was I duplicitous? I told you about
my genius, my lack of principals, my love...
A love spacious enough
to embrace a whole whirling galaxy.
But did youi tell me about your vasectomy?
- No, I didn't.
Did you tell me your thingamahbob was in drydock?
- No, I have to admit...
You'll have to admit! You
have to admit you led me on!
All that bullshit about star children and
destiny and flowers that match my eyes
You exploited my natural urges so
you could sleep with me, didn't you?
Well, that's one way of looking at it, but believe
me there are extenuating circumstances.
Well then, extenuate for us, by all means.
Charlie! Charlie, you have a rather
murderous glint in your eye...
I hope that doesn't presage the acting out of
irrational implulses.
I've always prided myself on being fair
and open-minded.
And I'm sure you have good, solid reasons
for not telling us about your vasectomy.
I'm all ears.
- To be perfectly honest, the reason I didn't tell you was
that I didn't think that you would find out about it.
Bad answer!
- Charlie, Charlie, wait. Try to see it from my standpoint.
You have a lovely wife. A lovely, voluptuous,
ravishing pearl.
And you offered her to me on a silve platter.
Now suppose I offered you my wife? What would you have done?
- Don't change the subject.
The subject is, I'm gonna kill you!
- Charlie, violence is never a civilized alternative.
Get your slimy hands off my wife!
Charlie, just because I am a poet...
... Doesn't mean that you can push
me around.
Charlie! For God's sakes, Charlie!
Hi, Charlie.
Oh, Santa forgot to mark them
There's no names...
Would you mind dialing my lawyer for me?
You're gonna need a lawyer.
You broke your contract.
I got her pregnant, didn't I?
- You got her pregnant? I got her pregnant.
Can I say something?
- You, shut up!
You... An admitted oligospermiac.
Don't make me laugh.
It only takes one, pal. I may not have much
juice, but at least I'm still hooked up to the generator.
He's got a point, Gordon.
- Pay no attention to his cretinous arguments
what does your heart say? What does your
womb say? You know I'm the father.
I'm the father.
- Actually, I'm the father.
Santa doesn't have anymore presents.
What is wrong witih you?
- She's overcome.
I'm pregnant.
- What?
Again?
Whattaya mean you're pregnant. I thought
you said he has a vasectomy.
Gordon's not the father.
What? Did you expect me to spend every
night at the library?
I can't believe it. You and Maureen?
Well what about you and Gordon? You gonna
pretend that was business?
Gordon?
That's right and there's the other woman--
the bubble-headed co-ed.
The hearts dancing on her hips...
And here's the evidence.
The incriminating filly-do.
Don't be silly
These are poems of friendship.
And naturally, when you sleep with someone for 4 months
there's bound to be some kind of platonic relationship.
Four month?
- It was just a business relationship.
Obviously, if I had known about his vasectomy
I wouldn't have let him near me.
But I told you he had a vasectomy three months ago.
- Three months and four days.
Was it that long?
- You knew?
You knew? - Oh, yeah.
- I was never sure.
And while you were sipping my tea, you were
sleeping with my husband?
But you were sleeping with my husband.
- But that was for revenge.
You were supposed to be trying to have a baby. You were lying.
- No she wasn't.
Ray, I'd really rather you...
- No, let's get this out in the open.
I'm not gonna stand here and see your
character besmirched.
This brave and wonderful woman had one dream
in her whole life - to have a baby.
Now is that so wrong? And I am proud to say
that she turned to me. I was her provider.
You've been screwing Ray?
- It was your idea.
The one time she listens to me!
- Well, wait a minute.
Let's look at the situation objectivey.
I've been sleeping with Linda
You've been sleeping with Maureen.
Linda's been sleeping with Ralph...
- Ray.
Linda claims to be pregnant,
Charlie claims to be the father, Ray claims
to be the father, and I claim to be the father.
Which is impossible.
- Is it?
Youi had a vasectomy.
- I have also had a vasovasostemy.
What do you say to that?
- A vaso... A what?
A vasovasostemy. A reverse vasectomy.
Oh, come on - you can't do that.
- It's been done. I'm a whole man again.
You mean you let them go in there twice?
- I had to fulfill my end of the bargain.
Oh, give us a break, Gordon. Do you believe this beeswax?
A vasocolostomy?
Vasovastotemy, you peabrain.
- I don't care what you call it, it's nonsense.
Might as well face the truth, Charlie.
I love her and she adores me.
We can't pretend anymore.
We're past the point of no return.
No.
You rejecting me? Me?
- I told you it was a business arrangement.
You mean to say that youi don't love me?
That you never loved me?
That all those nights of honey and whipped
cream were figments of my imagination?
We don't belong together, Gordon,
we have nothing in common.
We have the star child!
- Oh, please.
Gordon, this is the real world,
not some epic poem.
You belong with Maureen,
and I belong with Charlie.
Someday we'll all look back at
this and laugh.
I'm laughing now.
So this is how it ends.
You don't deserve to carry my baby.
- It's my baby.
It's my baby.
- It's my baby and I'll decide who the father is.
That would be a neat solution
Get rid of anything that's inconvenient.
Yeah, like you. Come on, Linda
we're going.
Good! Go!
Get thee hence!
And take your illegitimate progeny with you!
Gordon, you're behaving like a child.
Leave them.
Let them be trampled underfoot.
Like I have been, downtrodden by a mad,
unworthy passion.
Ah, who cares about your damned
poems anyway. I told you he was a nut.
Come on, Linda, we're going.
- Let go of me.
No, Linda. I've been letting go too long.
From now on .. .
We do things our way.
I don't care what you say,
it's still my baby.
In case you ever need any new carpets.
- I like my carpets.
Oh, yeah...
Are you waiting for an encore?
Do you think I made my point?
Yes, I think you made your point.
Good.
After all that, I didn't
need any help.
And it turned out alright.
Gordon went back to Maureen.
Linda came back to me.
We all learned something about life.
Lotsa new positions!
Linda got pregnant, Maureen got pregnant,
And it was all me!
The new sperm king is gonna be a father!
Congratulations!
It's triplets!
I love my work.
I'm so happy for you...
Or you...
Or you...
- Oh, yeah.
Whichever.