Alonzo Bodden: Who's Paying Attention (2011) Movie Script
1
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Alonzo Bodden!
Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, this is good.
This is good.
What's up, New York?!
New York City!
I'm from New York.
I grew up in St. Albans.
I grew up in Queens.
Yeah, give it up.
Yeah.
And the weird thing is, I didn't know
St. Albans was the hood
until 50 Cent mentioned it in a song.
There is no better indication
that your property value is shot
than hearing about your neighborhood
in a rap song.
It's like, "Oh, shit. 50 mentioned
the neighborhood?
We're gonna have to sell this place.
It ain't worth a damn thing."
But I'm happy, man.
I'm happy to be home.
I'm happy to be working.
There's a lot going on.
Who's paying attention?
That's my question.
Who is paying at ten...
There are so many things
going on in the world.
You can't watch the news anymore
'cause we, as a nation,
have the collective attention span
of a hamster on crack.
I'm telling you. Every day,
you're watching a news story
and then something else happens
and the first story disappears.
Like, it's all about the oil spill,
and, "Oh, my God,
the oil spill is terrible,
and it's the worst thing
that happened,
and it's the most environmentally
destructive thing in history,
and, uh, what happened to Toyota?
Wasn't it just like two weeks ago
a Prius was gonna kill you?
There were Toyotas
doing 180 miles an hour.
If you had a Toyota in the garage,
while you were sleeping,
it would climb up the stairs
and kill the children.
Toyota was the deadliest thing
on earth,
then they were like,
"We got an oil spill. Fuck Toyota!
We're done! No more."
The chairman of Toyota was sitting
in front of congress testifying.
Did you look at him? He's like, "Look,
this is not revenge for World War II.
We have no idea what..."
You know how happy
the chairman of Toyota was
when BP started that oil leak?
You know he gave
the chairman of BP
the biggest gift basket
you have ever seen.
That shit probably had a Camry in it.
He was like, "Thank you
for taking the heat.
But you know who I feel sorry
for in this oil spill,
who I'm kind of worried about?
Barack Obama. You know why?
'Cause, one day,
Barack Obama's in his office,
right, just being president,
doing whatever a president does.
They walk in...
"Excuse me, Mr. President.
Um, we got an oil leak,
and, uh, you got to fix it."
Right? And you know
his first thought was, like,
"What the hell do I know?
I got to fix oil shit now?"
Right? 'Cause this ain't the first time
this happened to Barack Obama.
Remember when he first
got elected, right?
It was like, "Mr. President,
congratulations.
You are the first black president
in the history of the United States.
This is a truly historical moment.
And, uh, by the way...
We got pirates.
"Pirates?! Pirates?
I got to come up
with pirate shit now?
I got... the economy's busted,
and I got to work
on 17th-century crime?"
But here was my question
with the pirates, all right?
I mean, we live in an age
of GPS and radar.
I got, like, Google Maps
on my phone.
I can look up anything in the world.
How do you let a pirate
sneak up on your ass?
You didn't see a pirate coming?
They're not high-tech pirates.
They're old-fashioned pirates.
They have a little boat,
and then they sail over
to your big boat,
and then they throw a rope
with a hook on it,
and they climb up the boat, right?
Now, I'm no sailor. I'm no expert.
I don't know the rules of the sea.
But I'm gonna tell you this...
If I'm on a boat
and I see a rope with a hook on it
come flying
over the side of the boat,
then I'm gonna throw the shit back!
Nothing good ever climbed up
the side of a boat.
You never heard a bunch
of sailors saying,
"Man, it was looking grim,
and then a magical genie
climbed up the side of the boat.
But this is Obama's life,
and now it's an oil spill,
and we're expecting him to fix the oil.
You know what this is like?
This is like when you were a kid
and you thought your dad
could fix anything.
Right? Whatever broke in the house,
you'd be like,
"Dad, the toilet's broken," right?
And your dad would get some
wrenches and go in the bathroom,
and you didn't know that your dad
don't know shit about toilets,
you know?
Your dad didn't know
how to fix the toilet.
He went in there, and he played
with wrenches for a little while,
and he came out and said,
"Don't use that bathroom anymore!"
That was his fix for anything.
"Don't touch it again!
I'm telling you ri..."
You know Barack Obama
wants to say,
"Do not touch the Gulf of Mexico!
It's broken. Stay out of it."
But the amazing thing is
nobody knows how to fix
this oil thing, right?
They went to the coast guard. Why?
Coast guard don't know anything
about oil.
The coast guard handles
cocaine and Cubans.
That's what they do.
That's their level of expertise.
They questioned the head of BP...
The CEO of BP.
He was like a little kid
who got caught in trouble.
He didn't know shit about anything.
Everything they asked him,
"I-I don't know
why the rig exploded.
I-I-I don't know why we don't observe
safety procedures.
I-I-I don't really know
where gasoline comes from."
"They just brought me down here."
You know who Barack Obama
needs to call?
We got a leak, right?
Call Joe the Plumber.
Yeah. Call Joe the Plumber.
"All right, Joe, you was talking shit
two years ago."
"Time for you to step up
and be a great American.
Come on. We got a scuba suit
waiting for your ass."
This is why I could not be
Barack Obama.
I love Barack Obama,
but first black president?
Not me, 'cause you got to put up
with too much shit.
Like, there's too many things
that no other president
ever had to deal with, right?
Like people walking
into the White House.
Yeah, when did that start?
People just walking by...
"Oh, shit. Party at the White House.
Come on, let's go.
No security, no secret service.
You just come wandering...
You know who they should have
guard the White House?
Put the TSA on their ass.
Yeah, let airport security watch,
'cause you can't get past
airport security without ID.
Airport security...
They've lost their minds.
You show up with a bottle of water,
they just shoot your ass. They just...
They don't even care.
They'll leave you in the street
as a warning to the next guy.
It's unbelievable trying to get
onto an airplane,
'cause every time you go
to the airport,
there's some new rule
you haven't heard about.
You know what the latest rule is?
No passengers.
That's right... from now on,
you buy your ticket,
and you drive
to where the plane's gonna land,
and maybe your shit will be there.
I don't know.
If you pay $15 a bag, I guess.
I mean, it's unbelievable,
'cause it's not real security.
It's a show of security.
It's a lot of technology
and a lot of people,
but they're not
really doing anything.
You know, technology...
They always got new machines.
Like, it started out
with a metal detector.
Then they had the X-ray machine.
Now they got this thing
that just blows air up your shirt.
Like, you just step in a glass booth...
"Oh! I've been violated!
Wait a minute.
I'm not sure I want to get on the air..."
They're coming up with new things.
They're gonna have a machine
that can check pregnant women
and tell you if the baby's evil.
They'll just be like,
"Okay, mom, you can get on,
but that kid...
We're watching his ass.
And the amazing thing is,
we have all this security.
We spend billions of dollars
developing it,
and one guy beat airport security.
At Newark Airport, he beat
the entire security system.
Do you know how he did it?
You know what his genius move was
to get past the high-tech,
electronic security?
He walked in through the exit.
That was it. I'm not making this up.
We spend billions of dollars,
and he beat them
with the old Bugs Bunny trick.
"Yeah, I'll just walk backwards
through the exit door
and they'll never catch me."
And the shit worked. It was amazing.
I'm telling you, it's ridiculous
trying to deal with the security.
And I know, because travel...
That's my job.
I was just in Sydney, Australia.
I got to tell you, that is a weird trip,
going to Australia,
because you cross the date line
when you go to Australia.
Like, I left L.A,
it was Sunday night,
and I got to Australia,
and it was Tuesday.
Monday... gone.
Gone. That Monday
will never exist in my life.
Like, literally,
a day just disappeared.
This girl's like, "We need to talk.
I said, "Well, talk on Monday,
cause...
"...I ain't really in the mood to listen
to this bullshit, you know?"
And they got
their own stupid questions.
I had to get a visa
to work in Sydney, Australia.
On the form, they have a question...
"Are you or have you ever been
charged as a war criminal?"
Now, who's checking "yes"
on that box?
Who's thinking like,
"Oh, shit. They got me.
I never expected a direct question.
Now I got to fess up to the genocide.
And then... then you come home
from Australia
and it's the opposite thing.
You actually get back before you left.
I left Sydney,
it was 1:30 on Wednesday.
I landed in LA,
it was 10:30 Wednesday morning.
I looked at my watch,
and it exploded...
Because that's just impossible to do.
I love international comedy.
I went to Ireland.
That was different.
Ireland is the whitest country
on earth.
Like... no disrespect,
but Irish people, they're just like...
They're almost translucent.
They're just...
They're real white, you know?
And I get there,
and I'm in the airport,
and the guy looked at me,
and he said, "Good luck."
That is not
the most welcoming phrase.
I'm thinking, like, "Do you know
some shit I don't know?
Is there, like, some angry leprechaun
here or something?"
It was ama...
And then I get in there,
and Irish people are very cool,
but you know what was funny to me?
Irish people, they drink.
Like, you know the stereotype
that Irish people drink?
They really do drink that much.
It was... like, for black people
to match the Irish stereotype
of drinking,
you'd have to have every black person
carrying a watermelon at all times.
That's the only way.
It's the only way I can describe it.
I mean, be like all black people
just walking around like,
"Yeah, where's the chicken at?
Where's the chicken at?
Got some chicken?"
They were great people.
It was just odd being in that country.
And then, while I was there,
I saw three black people,
and I started following them.
"Hey, I want to join the team.
Something's going on.
I left the United States
for a few weeks,
I traveled the world, I came home,
and it was illegal to be Mexican
in Arizona.
And I'm thinking, "What the hell
did these Mexicans do?"
That Arizona law...
That shit is amazing.
That is the most racist thing
I've ever heard in my life.
It is the most racist thing
I've ever heard in my life,
and I'm black.
I mean, that is racial profiling
to the point that even Arabs are like,
"This is bullshit right here.
This just ain't fair."
And you know what I love?
When they say,
"This law is not racist.
You know how to tell
when something's racist?
When you hear the phrase
"This is not racist,
the next thing you hear
is gonna be the most racist shit
you've ever heard in your life.
They're like, "This is not racist.
I'll believe that law is not racist
when they stop a white guy and say,
"Hey, you're looking
kind of Canadian.
I mean, I ask again...
Who is paying attention?
'Cause this came up...
This was a surprise,
because, a few years ago,
we were blaming everything
on the illegal aliens.
Then we lost track. Remember?
A few years ago, everything...
Unemployment was 'cause
of illegal aliens, healthcare.
Locusts... "Well, it's them
damn illegal aliens.
You know, and then
we left them alone, right?
We were gonna build a fence.
Remember the fence?
You know you laughed
when you heard about the fence.
It was another brilliant idea.
We're gonna build a fence
2,000 miles long,
15 feet high,
on a government contract.
Really?
Really? And about how long
is this shit gonna take?
It takes the government six years
to fill a pothole.
Now they're gonna build
a 2,000-mile fence.
There will be
Mexican grandchildren...
"Hey, grandpa, tell me
the legend of the fence."
You know as well as I do
the government doesn't build shit.
The government digs a hole,
puts cones around it,
and hopes some shit happens.
I've been alive over 40 years.
You know something
I've never seen in my life?
A sign saying
"Highway work completed.
I've never seen that sign.
And here's another question
about highway construction.
Who puts out the cones?
Because that's the only guy
getting shit done.
They'll have a sign...
"Highway work for the next 5 miles."
For 10 miles, there is
a perfectly straight line of cones.
They are equally spaced.
It's like artwork.
The cones... there's 20 bulldozers
over here not doing shit,
but the cones are right where the...
Teach the cone guy
to run a bulldozer.
Let's build some shit around here!
That's all I'm saying.
That's right.
And I'll bet you cash money
the cone guy is a Mexican.
No doubt in my mind.
It's sad, man. It's sad.
Racism has made, like,
this huge comeback,
you know, not that it was ever gone.
I mean, racism is like this ugly stain
that we, as a nation,
have never been able
to completely wash off, you know?
Whenever it seems
we're all moving forward,
there's always a few people
to remind you
not everyone's on board.
Not too long ago, in Louisiana,
there was a justice of the peace
that would not grant
a marriage license
to an interracial couple.
He would not allow a black man
to marry a white woman.
And you know
what his reasoning was?
You know why he said
he couldn't do it?
Because the children turn out
all messed up.
Yeah, like Halle Berry.
Oh, we wouldn't want
another one of those running around.
Let me tell you something...
If interracial marriage
would guarantee Halle Berry,
there should be a rule...
Four out of five marriages
have to be mixed.
Let's go. We're repopulating.
Derek Jeter. Oh, there's another
mixed son of a bitch.
Let me tell you... the only
negative thing about Derek Jeter
is that if Derek Jeter wants
to hook up with your woman,
there's nothing you can do about it.
Not a thing.
You merely have to sit back and say,
"Oh, well, it's Derek. Okay. All right.
He'll give her back
during spring training. Oh, well."
But you know that's not
who they're mad about.
You know that they're mad
about Barack Obama,
that interracial, Harvard-educated,
presidential son of a bitch.
Oh, they're mad.
And when you go to the south,
they don't like Barack Obama at all.
A lot of people in the south,
they don't accept Barack Obama
as president.
They don't think Barack's president.
They think it's Will Smith
playing Barack Obama.
'Cause Will is the only brother
they'll truly accept.
They're mad, man.
Tea party... there's another gr...
Oh, I get the tea party. I love them.
"We're not racist.
No, it's just a large group
of white people
hating the black president.
And, again, who's paying attention?
Do you ever listen to the tea party?
I love the tea party,
'cause whenever they talk,
they argue with themselves.
They just come out
with Barack Obama...
They're like, "We hate change,
and you haven't done shit!"
"So, we're good, then."
Mad. Mad.
Mad at Barack Obama.
Sarah Palin... mad.
See, there's always people get weird
about Sarah Palin.
"I don't like..."
I love Sarah Palin.
I do. I get a kick out of Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin is the Paris Hilton
of politics.
That's right.
She's hot, she's dumb,
and she won't go away.
She does.
Sarah just... and now they're paying
Sarah Palin $100,000 a speech.
For 100 grand a speech,
I'd keep talking, too.
I love a Sarah Palin speech
because no two sentences
have anything to do with each other,
and somehow, there's always
a large animal involved.
It's just like, "Yeah, it's like
a pit bull meets a grizzly bear,
and the children,
and drill, baby, drill."
And you're sitting there, like,
"What the fuck
is she talking about?"
Every Sarah Palin speech
is like the beginning of a bar joke.
It's like, "A pit bull, a wolf,
and a moose walked into a bar."
And again, you know,
it's not her fault.
We don't have any media.
We don't have anyone
asking real questions.
She just comes out,
she talks like crazy,
and people just like,
they write it down, "Yeah."
Can you imagine
if we still had reporters?
If Walter Cronkite...
You think Walter Cronkite
would put up with Sarah Palin?
That'd be the quickest interview
you ever saw.
"Bitch, read a book." Done.
Done.
"Go away."
There is no way
he would tolerate that.
But I don't dismiss Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin has power.
Sarah gets shit done.
You know when I knew
how powerful Sarah Palin was?
Sarah Palin was
on Oprah's show on Monday,
and Oprah quit on Friday.
You don't mess with nobody
who can scare Oprah off TV.
And I'll tell you, you know
what Oprah's mistake was?
She spoke directly
to Sarah Palin, see?
And you can't do that,
'cause you get that Palin shit
in your brain.
And that'll fuck you up.
Like when you were in school
and they taught you
you could never look directly
at the eclipse?
You know, you had to poke a hole
in a sheet of paper, right,
and then hold it over your shoulder
and look at it,
like, that's how it is with Sarah Palin.
You don't talk directly to Sarah Palin.
You need, like, three stupid people
in between you
to protect you
from shit she might say,
because Sarah Palin's gift...
What she can do...
Is she can say crazy shit
in a normal manner,
and then you start wondering
if it's you.
And this is what she did to Oprah,
'cause Oprah asked her...
Oprah said, "Why did you quit
as governor?"
And without missing a beat,
Sarah Palin said,
"Cause I can get more done
as a private citizen,
which makes no sense at all.
Right? Because the private citizen
votes for the governor.
You know, the governor
has a private jet.
The private citizen does not,
you know?
A governor has a staff and shit.
Traffic moves out the way.
A private citizen's parked, you know?
But she said this,
and in this moment,
you could see Oprah
was a little fucked up...
...'cause Oprah was looking
at her like,
"Private citizen?
But you were the governor.
Governor? Citizen? What the fuck?"
But this shit's in
Oprah's head now, see?
And this is only Monday.
By Wednesday, Oprah's fucked up.
By Wednesday,
Oprah's just walking around,
like, "Private citizen?
Did she say...? Roll the tape.
Son of a bitch.
She said private citizen.'
What the hell is..."
By Friday, Oprah gave up.
By Friday, Oprah
just showed up at work.
She was like...
"ll want to be a private citizen.
Yeah.
Who is paying attention?
We jump from one thing to the other.
Healthcare... there was...
Oh, oh, they lost their minds
when there was
the healthcare debate.
I got mad at Barack Obama
during the healthcare debate.
You know why?
Because he continued to debate
when there was no debate to be had.
All right, look,
the right wing has said,
"Anything Obama proposes,
the answer is no."
"Barack said... ""No!"
"But, Ba... ""No!"
"Barack... ""No!"
Right? Yet Barack,
he keeps trying to debate.
And he's talking to them
with shit like, logic...
And reason, you know?
I mean, if you're gonna talk to them,
at least speak in a language
they understand. Right?
You want to pass healthcare?
You want to walk into Congress,
you go to the right wing,
you say, "Look.
Jesus said..."
"...that there should be healthcare
and a gun for every American."
"Huh?"
"That's right.
Healthcare and a gun
for every American
except the gays and the Mexicans."
And they'd be like, "Well,
why didn't you tell us Jesus said?!
Shit, yeah, we're on board!
I didn't know Jesus said.
We needed healthcare
in this country.
We have to do something with...
You know when I was convinced
that we needed healthcare?
Magic Johnson is 50 years old.
Yeah, Magic is 50, which means
he has been living
with the HIV virus for 18 years.
Now, that tells me that we all need
Magic Johnson health insurance.
That's right, 'cause if you got
my raggedy-ass insurance
and you've had HIV for 18 years,
well, you've been dead for 10 years.
Your coverage expired.
It's bad, man.
Health insurance is bad.
You know when I found out
how bad my health insurance was?
I broke my wrist, right?
So my hand is all swollen.
My wrist is all mangled.
I go to the doctor.
They're like, "We'll take X-rays,
and if it's broken, we'll call you."
Now, what kind of raggedy-ass
coverage do I have
that they don't have a guy
on day shift reading X-rays?
You know,
I don't mess with it anymore.
I don't even go to the doctor.
From now on, if I get hurt,
I'm going to the vet.
The vet is better than the doctor
on so many levels.
First of all, the vet never refers you
to another vet.
All right? Doctors specialize.
Doctors have
a limited scope of expertise.
You know, you go to the doctor,
he's like,
"I do internal medicine,"
or, "I fix bones,"
or, you know,
"I only work ear, nose, and throat.
The vet don't give a shit
what species you are.
Anything that comes in the door...
He don't care if it's a pit bull
or a kitten or a goldfish...
He's like, "Lay that shit on the table!
I'll fix it. I don't care.
"I don't care.
You got a sick parakeet?
I'm ready to go.
Let's go. I do birds. I don't care.
And the vet gives you options.
The vet always gives you options.
You go to the vet, the vet's like,
"Look, this surgery's very expensive.
It's very complicated.
I'm not sure if it's gonna work.
If you want, I could just kill you."
Right? That's always on the table.
He's like, "We got a van out back.
I'll put your ass to sleep.
And we'll just cart you off
wherever you want to go.
It costs 50 bucks,
don't cause the family
any grief or anything.
Just we'll take care
of this shit right now."
Okay, I'm not saying
it's the best option.
I'm just saying I like knowing
that option is on the table.
My insurance might not cover
cancer surgery. I don't know.
It's just bad, man, everything.
Everything that happens,
it's a major crisis.
Oh! We got the unemployment crisis.
Unemployment didn't become a crisis
till white people were unemployed.
That's right.
Black people been out of work
for a long time.
Shit, black people know
how to be broke.
Average black family
get eight days out of a chicken.
We don't give a shit.
We're like, "We'll somehow get by."
But all of this, man... all of this
falls on Barack's shoulders.
And don't think
that I'm giving him a free pass.
I'm watching his ass.
I'm watching his ass.
He better not screw this shit up,
'cause I'll tell you right now,
I don't care which side
politicians are on, I'm watching.
I don't trust any of them.
Let's face it, our politicians...
We're down to the point
where they're all liars.
You just pick the liar
whose lies fit you.
You're just like, "You know,
if any of his bullshit is true,
this could work out in my favor.
That's why politicians
don't like Barack Obama,
'cause when he talks,
he pauses a lot.
And every time he pauses,
they're sitting back, like,
"Oh, shit. Is he gonna tell the truth?
He could sink this whole ship.
I'm watching him.
He better not screw up,
'cause you know
if Barack Obama screws up,
there won't be
another black president
for 400 more years, boy.
They will blame everything...
They'll blame slavery on his ass.
Watch.
Everything will be
Barack Obama's fault.
But the other reason...
The personal reason I don't need
Barack Obama screwing up
is 'cause I don't need white people
giving me that look.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, whenever I'm around
a group of white people
and somebody black
does something stupid,
they look at me
as if I were somehow involved.
You know, I'll just be
watching the news,
it'll be like, "Tyrone Johnson
just robbed a liquor store.
They...
"I don't know Tyrone!
I was not in on the liquor-store heist.
I'm right next to you.
This shit is news."
It's subtle, but it's racism.
And I talk about it.
I talk about racism,
and I laugh about racism.
You know why I can laugh
about racism?
Because I am not a racist...
Except in traffic.
I don't know what that is.
There's something
about being cut off
that you say shit
you would never otherwise say.
And it's the first thing out
of your mouth, soon as it hap...
"That black son
of a bitch cut me..."
"Oh, would you look
at this Puerto Rican can't dr..."
"Oh, this China man...
What the hell is..."
You ever get cut off by somebody
and you're not sure what they are,
so you got to follow them
for a little while?
'Cause I will... I will follow you
till I come up with the proper name
for your ass.
I would hate to insult you incorrectly.
Somehow, that seems more racist.
He's under pressure, man.
Barack's under pressure
simply because he is
the first black president, all right?
And that means
expectations are high.
We expected shit to be fixed by now.
We did.
The war's supposed to be over.
Deficit's supposed to be paid.
Housing... hell, we supposed
to be getting free shit by now.
And that's what... because if you are
the first black anything,
you can't be good.
Your ass better be miraculous.
You have to be unbelievable.
Jackie Robinson was the first
black player in the major leagues.
Do you understand how great
Jackie Robinson had to be?
Jackie couldn't have a good game.
Jackie couldn't hustle.
Jackie had to do unbelievable shit.
If Jackie Robinson got a single
and didn't steal home...
They were like,
"You lazy black son of a bitch!
You stopped at first base?!
What kind of shit...
That was a bunt!
You better get your ass to third!"
Jackie was running his entire career.
Jackie be in the dugout, like,
"I'm ready.
I'm ready to go. Ready to go.
Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods has won
14 major championships.
Tiger Woods has won 70 times
on the PGA tour.
Tiger screwed around on his wife,
they're like, "Gotcha!"
"Oh, we've been waiting
for your ass to slip!
It was unbelievable.
I'm telling you this.
If there was any doubt
as to who's the most famous
black person on earth,
I think Tiger put that to rest,
yeah, 'cause Barack was getting
a little cocky, you know,
with his Nobel Peace Prize
and leader of the free world,
and Tiger was like, "Really?
Watch what happens
when [ fuck around.
Tiger cheated on his wife,
the world came to a stop.
From November 27th
to December 20th,
there was no other news.
There was no war,
there was no economy,
there was no terrorism.
The only thing in the news...
Who is Tiger fucking?
That's right. "And in other news,
who else is Tiger fucking?"
It was unbelievable.
People lost their minds.
Sponsors dropped Tiger.
Gatorade dropped Tiger
like somebody was reaching
for a bottle of Gatorade, like,
"Oh, Tiger's screwing around?
Never mind."
"Oh, no, I'll get
my electrolytes elsewhere.
I... I had no idea.
And I hate to tell you this, people,
but I was not shocked, all right?
I was not shocked. You know why?
'Cause at the end of the day,
Tiger is a young, rich,
stud pro athlete.
And if you tell me
a young, rich, stud athlete
is cheating on his wife,
I am not shocked, okay?
Like, if you told me
Dr. Phil had been banging Oprah
for the last 10 years,
I might be caught a bit off guard.
You know?
You tell me an athlete's
cheating on his wife,
I'm not shocked, all right?
Disappointed? Absolutely.
I was disappointed in Tiger. I was.
You know why?
Because I'm a huge Tiger Woods fan.
I love Tiger. I think Tiger is
the greatest golfer on earth,
I think possibly the greatest golfer
of all time.
And the idea that Tiger Woods,
the greatest golfer on earth,
was actually screwing around
with women
that / could hook up with...
Now, there is no excuse
for that shit at all.
Come on.
You're Tiger Woods.
Have a little respect for yourself.
That's all.
Okay, I couldn't do Tiger's top 5,
but I've seen 9 through 12.
Pretty confident I could pick up
an IHOP waitress.
That's all I'm saying.
And people lost their mind.
And that's the thing
with the celebrity stuff.
People act like it's personal,
like they somehow know
the person, all right?
They're like, "Oh, Tiger's poor wife.
What about his wife?"
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know Tiger's wife.
I don't know his relationship
with his wife.
I'll tell you this... I know it's not
like an ordinary marriage.
You know, it's not like Tiger's wife
was working part-time
to help buy golf balls.
Tiger bought his wife an island.
Let that sink in for a minute.
He bought his wife an island,
all right?
I've known a lot of married guys.
I've never known a guy
to buy his wife an island.
I've never seen a guy pricing islands.
You never saw a guy...
"Oh, shit. Valentine's day is coming.
Better get me an island.
Let me tell you something.
You start buying islands,
the rules change.
If I'm married to a woman
and she buys me an island,
then she can fuck around
anywhere except my island.
That's right.
That is the rule!
"I tell you right now... yeah,
as long as you keep them bitches
off my island,
we can negotiate
the rest of the globe.
We'll work something out.
They do... people take
celebrity marriage personal,
like they somehow know them.
Sandra Bullock...
Say, "Oh! Oh, poor Sandra.
Poor Sandra, my ass.
Sandra Bullock knew
exactly who she married.
She wanted Jesse James.
She wanted the bad boy.
Let's look at Jesse's resume,
shall we?
Who's Jesse been hooking up with?
Oh, I don't know.
Stripper, stripper, porn chick,
tattoo chick, stripper,
porn chick, Sandra Bullock.
What?!
One of these things
is not like the others!
Sandra Bullock had no business
marrying Jesse James.
She was supposed
to take him to Vegas,
bang him for the weekend,
come back, and tell her friends.
That's right. And there's women
in here laughing
'cause every one of you got
one of those stories in your closet.
"I remember that son of a bitch.
I left him on the side of the highway."
"But he was good for a weekend."
This is the news.
Who's paying attention?
They just throw shit out there.
Who is listening?
Every day, there's something new,
something's gonna destroy us all,
then it disappears.
Swine flu.
I love the swine flu. I do.
I'm a huge fan of the swine flu.
You know why?
Because swine flu
is the only disease
that comes and goes depending
on what else is in the news.
And then they always come up
with this thing...
"Oh, my God! It's the swine flu!
It's the worst disease in history!
It's gonna kill us all!
It's an absolute pandemic,
and we're all gonna die
unless you, uh...
Wash your hands.
That's all they got.
It's the worst thing
in history unless...
"Ah, you can kiss a pig,
long as you wash your hands.
That's not a pandemic.
We used to have flus
you could respect.
Spanish flu...
Now there was a kick-ass flu.
Spanish flu killed hundreds
of millions of people worldwide.
You know how powerful
the Spanish flu was?
If we were in a room
full of people like this, one person...
"Aw, shit! We're all dead.
"Seal the doors.
We've all got Spanish flu."
They're trying to scare me
with the swine flu.
What happened to the bird flu?
Remember the bird flu?
Weren't we supposed
to be dead by now?
No, really. I don't know about you.
I stopped paying my bills.
I did.
"Hello, Visa? Bird flu's coming.
I ain't paying shit.
No, we're all gonna die. It's on CNN.
I'll go out with a low credit score.
It's okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I can die with a 517.
I don't mind, sir."
Bird flu.
Sick chickens.
That's what that was.
Sick... they tried to scare us
with sick chickens.
We got wars going on.
We have an economy
that almost completely collapsed.
We got terrorism.
We got everything
in the world is wrong,
and I'm supposed to be scared
of a few sick chickens?
"Oh! 50 people died in China."
Really? There's a billion of them.
I'm not gonna panic
'cause a few of them checked out.
I wasn't scared of bird flu.
I was trying to catch the bird flu.
Maybe it'll offset my SARS.
That's right. Yeah.
Yeah, you remember the SARS.
Every time an Asian coughed,
"Oh, no! It's the SARS!"
Think I was worried? Hell no!
I was shooting up with the SARS
trying to beat my mad cow.
That's right.
You remember the mad cow, huh?
Every time you eat a hamburger,
"Oh, no! That might have mad cow."
Think I was worried? Not at all.
Vaccinated myself with the anthrax.
It's all bullshit, and I'm not scared.
There's always something
that's gonna kill us all.
A few years ago,
tomatoes were deadly.
Yeah, a tomato was gonna kill you.
And a year before that,
it was spinach.
The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid
that hates vegetables.
Any minute now, broccoli will be
the most dangerous substance
known to man.
And this is nothing new.
They've been trying to scare us
for years.
Remember the killer bees?
What happened to the killer bees?
Some of you are young.
You don't even remember.
The killer bees were gonna fly
from Africa to South America, right?
Then they were gonna ease up
through Central America,
hang a left, come in through Mexico,
and kill us all.
The Mexicans made it.
Where'd the bees go?
Where's the Arizona bee law?
That's what I want to know.
It's all fear.
"We're all gonna die.
The world's gonna end.
When? When's the world gonna end?
"Oh, 2012."
2012, right?
Who told us that? The Mayans.
I've been around the world four times.
Guess what I've never seen.
A Mayan.
Not one.
Never bumped into a guy
at the airport...
"Mayan? No shit.
Well, we've been looking for you."
Hey, I'd love to worry about 2012,
but I'm still waiting
for this whole Y2K thing to kick in.
Oh, you remember that bullshit, right?
Get your money out the bank.
The ATM's not gonna work.
Your health records
are gonna disappear.
Your computer's gonna explode!
Holy shit! It's Y2K!
Oh, didn't happen? Never mind.
Oh, sorry. We missed.
Happy New Year.
It's all fear.
It's all about keeping you scared.
There's always something new
that's gonna destroy the world.
Now we got the global warming.
Have you heard?
Getting hot outside.
It's getting hot outside,
and we're all gonna die.
And that's when I call bullshit.
All right?
Global warming?
That's fine. That's science.
You come out and say,
"Look, scientists have noticed
the polar ice caps are melting
or the ocean level's rising.
That's all good.
The minute we're all gonna die?
Now it's fear. Now I call bullshit.
I got questions.
Okay, Mr. Weatherman,
you're telling me how hot
it's gonna be in 50 years?
How come you don't know
if it's gonna rain next week?
How about this,
my scientific friend?
You explain the difference
between partly sunny
and partly cloudy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Once you've solved
that little mystery,
we'll work our way up
to Armageddon.
Also, when did the meteorologist
become the hottest chick
on the news?
Have you seen
the meteorologists lately?
Like, "Let's go to the map.
Shit, let's go to the pole.
Yeah. The meteorologist
got it going on.
I don't know.
Just seems arrogant to me.
Whenever humans say
we can destroy the planet,
it seems a little arrogant,
'cause in my book,
whenever man challenges nature,
nature has no problem
whipping our ass.
Mother Nature
has never been impressed
with human achievement, all right?
"Hey, look at my beach house.
Whoosh!
"I don't see it."
"No, I see a lot of beach.
I don't see much house.
Man challenges nature,
nature kicks ass.
We had a volcano in Iceland.
"Hey, I'm flying to Europe.
No, you're not.
Nature just closed the sky.
The entire sky is closed
because nature sneezed.
You do not mess
with the force of nature.
Nature ruins places.
Earthquakes...
Nature just shaking shit up.
Haiti... err! Done.
Japan... err! Chile... err!
"Oh, it took us a hundred years
to build that."
"Took me three seconds
to get rid of it. Err! Done!"
And these are terrible tragedies.
Don't get me wrong.
I feel bad whenever it happens.
These natural disasters
truly are tragic.
But you know what I don't need?
I don't need another rich celebrity
or movie star or singer on TV
telling me to send in money
for this tragedy, all right?
Listen, you make $20 million a movie.
How about you kick down a million
and cover me on this one?
Yeah.
That's right.
We are in a recession.
When I get my job back,
I'll be sure and text in $10.
And then they hit you with the chil...
"Oh, what about the children?
There's thousands
of orphan children.
Well, send them to Angelina Jolie.
She loves them!
She can't get enough of them.
She'll start a farm. It'll be okay.
It's always something.
It's always one thing after another,
and it's always
the end of the world, huh?
Gay marriage. I love that one.
Gay marr... 'cause gay marriage...
You ever notice
it just keeps coming back?
Like, every time you think
we've ended the gay-marriage debate,
it pops up.
Gay marriage is like
the check-engine light
of the United States.
The light pops on.
"It's the gay-marriage light."
"Well, fix it."
Bloop! "It's back again.
"Son of a bitch!"
And it's always dramatic.
"Oh, my God! Gay marriage!
No, you can't...
"If the gays get married,
what about the children?
You'll destroy the moral fabric
of society. Oh, my..."
Really? Really?
No, really? Is that the problem?
Gay marriage? Huh?
'Cause my house is worth $8.
You think I'm worried
about gay marriage?
Let me tell you something...
If two gay guys want to get married
and buy my house,
there's gonna be a wedding.
Believe that.
I'm not waiting for the legislature.
I got a gun, and I'll find a preacher.
Like, "All right,
we are gathered here today.
Make this shit happen.
Come on, let's go,
'cause these boys got good credit.
I love a gay-marriage debate. I do.
Whenever it's on TV,
I drop what I'm doing.
I sit down and watch TV
'cause there's a little game
you can play during the show.
Try and figure out who's gay.
That's right.
And I promise you,
the guy yelling the loudest
against gay marriage
is the gayest guy on TV.
They gave it up, and I'll tell you
who gave up the whole game,
who started it all... Father Ted.
Good old Father Ted,
the president's moral adviser,
got caught.
"Yeah, when I'm not
at the White House reading the Bible,
well, I'm back home in Colorado
smoking crystal meth
and banging male prostitutes.
Right? And whenever
they get caught,
they always have
the "I'm not gay" excuse.
That's my favorite part.
"Gay? Oh, I'm not gay!
Uh, uh...
Satan was tempting me."
Let me tell you people something.
Satan can tempt me
with sweaty man ass all day long.
"Oh, you know, Satan,
it's mighty generous of you
to offer me that man ass.
"No, really, I understand
you're the Prince of Darkness and all,
but, uh, I'm gonna go ahead
and pass on this one.
Thank you just the same,
your evil ship."
Oh. Look at you.
You guys are like, "Sweaty man ass?
We didn't have to go
to sweaty man ass, did we?"
Look. This guy can't even look at me.
He's like, "No, you didn't
say that out loud.
That's what we're reduced to.
No one's paying attention, they slip
sweaty man ass right past us.
I talk about who's paying attention.
I got to pay attention to my own life.
Man, my life's a mess, huh?
I got to grow up.
Shit got to change, really.
Barack Obama's only
one year older than me.
You have any idea how disappointing
that is to my mother?
Every time he's on TV,
"Oh, look. There he is.
Yeah, there he is...
Leader of the free world. Yeah.
How the jokes coming?
"How's your legacy working out?
I love my mom.
My mom has reached the status
of little old lady gambler.
Yeah, you know, the little old ladies
at the casino on the nickel machine?
Most dangerous people
in the casino, too.
You ever reach for a little old lady's
nickel machine,
you draw back a stump.
I think they sharpen that little card.
They cut your ass with it, really.
My mom's not here right now.
You know why?
'Cause the casino is open.
Love her, though.
Happy, man. Happy.
But I got to change.
I got to grow up.
I got to get married, you know?
Yeah, don't want to... have to.
It's on my bucket list.
I get pressure, man.
You know who I hear it from?
I have teenage nieces, you know,
and my nieces are always on me.
My nieces are always telling me...
No, let me correct that.
They're always texting me. Right?
'Cause teenage girls don't talk.
They text.
It is the most amazing thing.
I watch them.
They are so fast in texting.
That's why they came up
with unlimited texting,
because teenage girls got cellphones
and the phone companies
couldn't keep up.
Teenage girls started texting.
Companies like Verizon and AT&T,
they were like,
"You know what? Fuck it.
$20 a month. How's that?"
"You just give us 20 bucks a month
and keep doing the shit you do
because we can't count that fast.
And I love them, but, see,
I had never been
around teenage girls
until my nieces hit that age.
I had no idea the level of drama
that teenage girls
live with every day.
Everything that happens is
a major, earth-shattering event.
And they're like, "Look, Unc,
you're too old to be single.
You're too old.
You have to get married soon,
or else you'll be creepy.
That is the worst word a woman
can use to describe a man,
right, 'cause "creepy"...
That's a woman's word.
It is, because women know
what creepy is.
See, they can't tell you
what creepy is,
but they all know what creepy is.
And it only takes one girl to be like,
"That guy's creepy.
They're like, "Yeah, that's him!
Look, that's the creepy guy!
I saw him come in.
He's creepy, yeah."
Right? Then you have to get
in your van and go home.
'Cause creepy guys
always drive a van.
So I don't want to be that guy. Right?
I don't want to be
creepy van guy, you know.
But I don't know.
The relationship game has changed.
First of all,
where do you find people now?
You don't find anybody now.
You got to search.
Got to search,
'cause everyone's looking online.
I think that's why they designed
the Internet... just to hook up.
There's 4,000 dating sites
on the Internet.
EBay? That was an accident.
Some guy was checking out
some girl.
He was like, "Hey, uh, how much
for that lamp behind you?"
Whole new industry was born.
I don't know.
I don't know what age...
Who am I supposed to be dating?
I don't know.
Cougars are big now.
Right? That's big.
Everybody's like,
"Ooh, I want a cougar.
At my age, a cougar's gonna be
in her early 70s.
And I don't think my insurance
is gonna cover her hip.
Some guys want the young girls.
Can't do it.
I see them. Young girls, they're hot.
Too much trouble...
'Cause young girls,
they still have hope.
Now, see, that shit
will wear your ass out right there.
Oh, the minute you hook up
with a young girl,
they making plans.
"Oh, my God!
We're gonna fall in love.
We're gonna get married.
We're gonna have ki..."
"No, we're not!"
"I'm just passing through.
I got to tell them the truth,
'cause young girls mess with you.
You hook up with a young girl,
what they tell you?
"We're gonna do it all night long!"
"Oh, no, we're not!"
"Tell you right now,
I got one good one.
"Now, you need more than that,
you go back to the clubs. Shoot.
I got a bad knee.
I ain't got nothing to prove.
But, see, young guys laughing.
Few old veterans out there, like,
"Yeah, that knee
will go on your ass.
You'll miss a day's work
with that knee.
You got to... you got to save that
for the weekend. That's..."
Not old. Not old.
Just getting older.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm not worried.
I'm 48 years old.
And I tell you...
You know what's weird?
I got my first AARP e-mail.
Yeah, the AARP,
it's like the old folks' lobby.
You got to be 50 years old.
They were like,
"You're not qualified yet,
but we're watching your ass.
That was a little sobering.
Days are numbered.
I got to make changes.
Got to make them,
but, again, I don't know.
I don't know
about the marriage game.
And it's not easy...
It's not easy for women, either,
you know?
Women out here...
Women that's single...
It's hard to be a single woman.
You know why? No real men left.
I don't know. I don't know
what happened to men.
I think the skinny jeans grabbed
the package a little too tight.
I'm not sure.
Something has gone horribly wrong.
First of all, little boys are not raised
to be men anymore.
Little boys... like, little league...
They have a thing now
in little league called tee ball,
where you set the ball on a tee,
like a giant golf tee,
and they hit it, and you know why?
Because if the little boy strikes out,
it would hurt his self-esteem.
Yeah, when I was a kid,
we had a guy called
a little league coach.
He was an angry man
who never made the major leagues.
And they had a thing called pitching,
and the coach would fire
that shit in there.
My little league coach had
an 85-mile-an-hour fastball,
and he ain't take nothing
off that shit, either, boy.
He wasn't worried
about your self-esteem.
He wasn't worried
about your physical well-being.
You get hit with a pitch,
what would they say?
"Man up!
"Stop crying! Man up!"
"I'm 8."
"I didn't realize I had to man up
at this early age.
Ain't mess around, you know?
And part of it's your fault, ladies.
I see you out there laughing.
Part of this man shortage
is your fault,
yeah, 'cause you wanted
those metrosexuals.
That's right. You wanted
your man to be sensitive.
You wanted him
to have product in his hair
and get his mani and pedi done
every week.
Yeah, that all sounds great,
till you walk outside and it's dark
and you hear a noise.
Suddenly, that metrosexual
ain't doing you much good.
That's right,
'cause you wearing 4-inch pumps.
He's wearing flats. He'll get away.
Now your ass is locked
in the back of the creepy-guy van.
Suddenly, a little dirt
under the fingernails
is no longer gonna be
a deal-breaker.
It's bad, man. I don't know.
What happened to real men?
I don't know.
You watch television...
No men on television anymore.
Watch TV...
Every commercial for E.D.
Every commercial,
five guys sitting around
talking to each other about
how they can't get it up anymore.
Just bragging to each other,
sitting at the poker table.
"Oh, you know, Joe,
I can't get it up anymore."
"Oh, that's too bad, Bill.
Hey, try one of my little pills.
Really? Really?
Is this poker-table conversation now?
'Cause let me tell you right now...
Me and my boys,
we have not received the memo.
No, you don't find sympathy
at our poker table.
You find opportunity.
Guy sitting there, like, "Oh, you know,
Joe, I can't get it up anymore.
"Good! I'll bang Barbara for you!"
"I've been checking out your wife
for 15 years.
Yeah, good luck with your little pills.
I'll be upstairs
handling man business.
Thank you guys so much
for laughing.
Thank you.
Thanks for letting me do this.
I love my job. Thank you.
Good night.
Creativity is making something
from nothing.
Creativity...
My most creative moment...
My favorite moment...
Is when I do a joke
that will never be funny again
because it was just in that moment,
in that situation,
with that audience, with that person
I was talking to, whatever,
and it was just funny right then,
and I didn't think of it beforehand,
it wasn't written.
It was just in the moment.
To me, that's like the jazz of comedy.
Like, I think jazz is
the greatest kind of music
'cause they improvise so much.
They just literally create it
at the time,
and I always thought
they were brilliant musicians.
And then I met them,
and they really...
They can't read music,
so they just make it up.
I'm kidding.
Again, jazz musicians,
you're gonna buy the DVD.
Don't get all upset, and don't write in.
They're not gonna write in
because jazz musicians,
they don't, like, actually write.
Comedy, to me, it's easy on stage.
I think comedy's easy
to anyone who's a good comic,
because that's what we feel at home.
Comics have trouble with life.
That's where we have trouble.
You know what's hard?
Going through airport security
and keeping your mouth shut.
That's probably the toughest thing
for a comic to do...
To not get arrested
while boarding a plane,
'cause there are a thousand things
you really want to say.
For example, when they're
checking my sneakers...
Do you know how much technology
Nike put into my sneakers?
Nike has, like, NASA scientists
working on how to inject air and gel
in the proper proportion
into the heel of my sneaker
so that my knee won't hurt
when I jump 6 inches off the ground.
And yet some guy who's, like,
basically a clerk in a blue shirt's
gonna look at the sneaker
and say, "Yeah, that's safe.
And I can't say anything.
That part is tough.
The other part... paying agents
and managers. That's right.
I'm saying it 'cause my manager's
looking over my shoulder.
10% for nothing.
It's like having an ex-wife.
Well, not really.
Ex-wives charge 50%.
Okay, so it's like having
an ex-wife with a bad lawyer.
My most validating moment...
My first validating moment...
Was at Just For Laughs in Montral.
It's the biggest comedy festival
in the world,
and I did New Faces of Comedy.
And that year, I was the hit.
Like, every year... there used to be...
Every year, there used to be
someone who was a hit,
and you'd get a big deal,
and Hollywood would want
to make you a star,
and they tell you,
"You're gonna be a star!
And they give you a lot of money,
and then you never hear
from them again.
It was really... it was, like, sad.
But they let you keep the cash,
so that was good.
But the reason it was validating
was because, prior to that,
I had been the doorman
at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood.
Like, that was my job.
And when I did New Faces,
and I walked offstage,
and guys like Dom Irrera
or Barry Katz,
who's the most evil person in the b...
I'm kidding, Barry.
Barry, I'm just kidding about that.
'Cause you never know.
Barry might turn
into even more powerful a person,
and I got to keep him as a friend.
But anyway, they came up to me,
and they were like,
"Wow! You are a great comic.
And for some reason,
hearing it from them was just...
I felt like I was in the fraternity now.
So I'll always remember that,
talking to those two guys
after that show.
They don't remember it.
It was just another day to them.
The other validating moment
was "Last Comic Standing"
'cause my dad was in the audience.
My dad... very stoic, no emotion...
And he literally had a tear in his eye,
he was so proud to see me up there.
And then I came in second,
and backstage,
he smacked me in the head
and said,
"Don't ever embarrass me
with runner-up again.
I don't know why I'm not famous.
I keep trying.
Once again, I blame
the agents and managers.
Yeah, 10% for nothing.
10%, and I'm not famous.
You ever watch "Entourage"?
You ever see what Ari Gold did?
Ari Gold made Johnny Drama.
Johnny Drama has a career, okay?
And I got nothing, all right?
Jim Belushi is on TV again.
Jim Belushi did a series
for seven years... not one laugh.
Do you know how hard that is to do?
Seven years of television,
nothing funny,
and now he has another series,
which is a drama,
which means it will probably be hilarious.
It's sad, I don't know why I'm not famous.
Thanks for buying the DVD,
tell all your friends about me, and then
one day I will be famous.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Alonzo Bodden!
Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, this is good.
This is good.
What's up, New York?!
New York City!
I'm from New York.
I grew up in St. Albans.
I grew up in Queens.
Yeah, give it up.
Yeah.
And the weird thing is, I didn't know
St. Albans was the hood
until 50 Cent mentioned it in a song.
There is no better indication
that your property value is shot
than hearing about your neighborhood
in a rap song.
It's like, "Oh, shit. 50 mentioned
the neighborhood?
We're gonna have to sell this place.
It ain't worth a damn thing."
But I'm happy, man.
I'm happy to be home.
I'm happy to be working.
There's a lot going on.
Who's paying attention?
That's my question.
Who is paying at ten...
There are so many things
going on in the world.
You can't watch the news anymore
'cause we, as a nation,
have the collective attention span
of a hamster on crack.
I'm telling you. Every day,
you're watching a news story
and then something else happens
and the first story disappears.
Like, it's all about the oil spill,
and, "Oh, my God,
the oil spill is terrible,
and it's the worst thing
that happened,
and it's the most environmentally
destructive thing in history,
and, uh, what happened to Toyota?
Wasn't it just like two weeks ago
a Prius was gonna kill you?
There were Toyotas
doing 180 miles an hour.
If you had a Toyota in the garage,
while you were sleeping,
it would climb up the stairs
and kill the children.
Toyota was the deadliest thing
on earth,
then they were like,
"We got an oil spill. Fuck Toyota!
We're done! No more."
The chairman of Toyota was sitting
in front of congress testifying.
Did you look at him? He's like, "Look,
this is not revenge for World War II.
We have no idea what..."
You know how happy
the chairman of Toyota was
when BP started that oil leak?
You know he gave
the chairman of BP
the biggest gift basket
you have ever seen.
That shit probably had a Camry in it.
He was like, "Thank you
for taking the heat.
But you know who I feel sorry
for in this oil spill,
who I'm kind of worried about?
Barack Obama. You know why?
'Cause, one day,
Barack Obama's in his office,
right, just being president,
doing whatever a president does.
They walk in...
"Excuse me, Mr. President.
Um, we got an oil leak,
and, uh, you got to fix it."
Right? And you know
his first thought was, like,
"What the hell do I know?
I got to fix oil shit now?"
Right? 'Cause this ain't the first time
this happened to Barack Obama.
Remember when he first
got elected, right?
It was like, "Mr. President,
congratulations.
You are the first black president
in the history of the United States.
This is a truly historical moment.
And, uh, by the way...
We got pirates.
"Pirates?! Pirates?
I got to come up
with pirate shit now?
I got... the economy's busted,
and I got to work
on 17th-century crime?"
But here was my question
with the pirates, all right?
I mean, we live in an age
of GPS and radar.
I got, like, Google Maps
on my phone.
I can look up anything in the world.
How do you let a pirate
sneak up on your ass?
You didn't see a pirate coming?
They're not high-tech pirates.
They're old-fashioned pirates.
They have a little boat,
and then they sail over
to your big boat,
and then they throw a rope
with a hook on it,
and they climb up the boat, right?
Now, I'm no sailor. I'm no expert.
I don't know the rules of the sea.
But I'm gonna tell you this...
If I'm on a boat
and I see a rope with a hook on it
come flying
over the side of the boat,
then I'm gonna throw the shit back!
Nothing good ever climbed up
the side of a boat.
You never heard a bunch
of sailors saying,
"Man, it was looking grim,
and then a magical genie
climbed up the side of the boat.
But this is Obama's life,
and now it's an oil spill,
and we're expecting him to fix the oil.
You know what this is like?
This is like when you were a kid
and you thought your dad
could fix anything.
Right? Whatever broke in the house,
you'd be like,
"Dad, the toilet's broken," right?
And your dad would get some
wrenches and go in the bathroom,
and you didn't know that your dad
don't know shit about toilets,
you know?
Your dad didn't know
how to fix the toilet.
He went in there, and he played
with wrenches for a little while,
and he came out and said,
"Don't use that bathroom anymore!"
That was his fix for anything.
"Don't touch it again!
I'm telling you ri..."
You know Barack Obama
wants to say,
"Do not touch the Gulf of Mexico!
It's broken. Stay out of it."
But the amazing thing is
nobody knows how to fix
this oil thing, right?
They went to the coast guard. Why?
Coast guard don't know anything
about oil.
The coast guard handles
cocaine and Cubans.
That's what they do.
That's their level of expertise.
They questioned the head of BP...
The CEO of BP.
He was like a little kid
who got caught in trouble.
He didn't know shit about anything.
Everything they asked him,
"I-I don't know
why the rig exploded.
I-I-I don't know why we don't observe
safety procedures.
I-I-I don't really know
where gasoline comes from."
"They just brought me down here."
You know who Barack Obama
needs to call?
We got a leak, right?
Call Joe the Plumber.
Yeah. Call Joe the Plumber.
"All right, Joe, you was talking shit
two years ago."
"Time for you to step up
and be a great American.
Come on. We got a scuba suit
waiting for your ass."
This is why I could not be
Barack Obama.
I love Barack Obama,
but first black president?
Not me, 'cause you got to put up
with too much shit.
Like, there's too many things
that no other president
ever had to deal with, right?
Like people walking
into the White House.
Yeah, when did that start?
People just walking by...
"Oh, shit. Party at the White House.
Come on, let's go.
No security, no secret service.
You just come wandering...
You know who they should have
guard the White House?
Put the TSA on their ass.
Yeah, let airport security watch,
'cause you can't get past
airport security without ID.
Airport security...
They've lost their minds.
You show up with a bottle of water,
they just shoot your ass. They just...
They don't even care.
They'll leave you in the street
as a warning to the next guy.
It's unbelievable trying to get
onto an airplane,
'cause every time you go
to the airport,
there's some new rule
you haven't heard about.
You know what the latest rule is?
No passengers.
That's right... from now on,
you buy your ticket,
and you drive
to where the plane's gonna land,
and maybe your shit will be there.
I don't know.
If you pay $15 a bag, I guess.
I mean, it's unbelievable,
'cause it's not real security.
It's a show of security.
It's a lot of technology
and a lot of people,
but they're not
really doing anything.
You know, technology...
They always got new machines.
Like, it started out
with a metal detector.
Then they had the X-ray machine.
Now they got this thing
that just blows air up your shirt.
Like, you just step in a glass booth...
"Oh! I've been violated!
Wait a minute.
I'm not sure I want to get on the air..."
They're coming up with new things.
They're gonna have a machine
that can check pregnant women
and tell you if the baby's evil.
They'll just be like,
"Okay, mom, you can get on,
but that kid...
We're watching his ass.
And the amazing thing is,
we have all this security.
We spend billions of dollars
developing it,
and one guy beat airport security.
At Newark Airport, he beat
the entire security system.
Do you know how he did it?
You know what his genius move was
to get past the high-tech,
electronic security?
He walked in through the exit.
That was it. I'm not making this up.
We spend billions of dollars,
and he beat them
with the old Bugs Bunny trick.
"Yeah, I'll just walk backwards
through the exit door
and they'll never catch me."
And the shit worked. It was amazing.
I'm telling you, it's ridiculous
trying to deal with the security.
And I know, because travel...
That's my job.
I was just in Sydney, Australia.
I got to tell you, that is a weird trip,
going to Australia,
because you cross the date line
when you go to Australia.
Like, I left L.A,
it was Sunday night,
and I got to Australia,
and it was Tuesday.
Monday... gone.
Gone. That Monday
will never exist in my life.
Like, literally,
a day just disappeared.
This girl's like, "We need to talk.
I said, "Well, talk on Monday,
cause...
"...I ain't really in the mood to listen
to this bullshit, you know?"
And they got
their own stupid questions.
I had to get a visa
to work in Sydney, Australia.
On the form, they have a question...
"Are you or have you ever been
charged as a war criminal?"
Now, who's checking "yes"
on that box?
Who's thinking like,
"Oh, shit. They got me.
I never expected a direct question.
Now I got to fess up to the genocide.
And then... then you come home
from Australia
and it's the opposite thing.
You actually get back before you left.
I left Sydney,
it was 1:30 on Wednesday.
I landed in LA,
it was 10:30 Wednesday morning.
I looked at my watch,
and it exploded...
Because that's just impossible to do.
I love international comedy.
I went to Ireland.
That was different.
Ireland is the whitest country
on earth.
Like... no disrespect,
but Irish people, they're just like...
They're almost translucent.
They're just...
They're real white, you know?
And I get there,
and I'm in the airport,
and the guy looked at me,
and he said, "Good luck."
That is not
the most welcoming phrase.
I'm thinking, like, "Do you know
some shit I don't know?
Is there, like, some angry leprechaun
here or something?"
It was ama...
And then I get in there,
and Irish people are very cool,
but you know what was funny to me?
Irish people, they drink.
Like, you know the stereotype
that Irish people drink?
They really do drink that much.
It was... like, for black people
to match the Irish stereotype
of drinking,
you'd have to have every black person
carrying a watermelon at all times.
That's the only way.
It's the only way I can describe it.
I mean, be like all black people
just walking around like,
"Yeah, where's the chicken at?
Where's the chicken at?
Got some chicken?"
They were great people.
It was just odd being in that country.
And then, while I was there,
I saw three black people,
and I started following them.
"Hey, I want to join the team.
Something's going on.
I left the United States
for a few weeks,
I traveled the world, I came home,
and it was illegal to be Mexican
in Arizona.
And I'm thinking, "What the hell
did these Mexicans do?"
That Arizona law...
That shit is amazing.
That is the most racist thing
I've ever heard in my life.
It is the most racist thing
I've ever heard in my life,
and I'm black.
I mean, that is racial profiling
to the point that even Arabs are like,
"This is bullshit right here.
This just ain't fair."
And you know what I love?
When they say,
"This law is not racist.
You know how to tell
when something's racist?
When you hear the phrase
"This is not racist,
the next thing you hear
is gonna be the most racist shit
you've ever heard in your life.
They're like, "This is not racist.
I'll believe that law is not racist
when they stop a white guy and say,
"Hey, you're looking
kind of Canadian.
I mean, I ask again...
Who is paying attention?
'Cause this came up...
This was a surprise,
because, a few years ago,
we were blaming everything
on the illegal aliens.
Then we lost track. Remember?
A few years ago, everything...
Unemployment was 'cause
of illegal aliens, healthcare.
Locusts... "Well, it's them
damn illegal aliens.
You know, and then
we left them alone, right?
We were gonna build a fence.
Remember the fence?
You know you laughed
when you heard about the fence.
It was another brilliant idea.
We're gonna build a fence
2,000 miles long,
15 feet high,
on a government contract.
Really?
Really? And about how long
is this shit gonna take?
It takes the government six years
to fill a pothole.
Now they're gonna build
a 2,000-mile fence.
There will be
Mexican grandchildren...
"Hey, grandpa, tell me
the legend of the fence."
You know as well as I do
the government doesn't build shit.
The government digs a hole,
puts cones around it,
and hopes some shit happens.
I've been alive over 40 years.
You know something
I've never seen in my life?
A sign saying
"Highway work completed.
I've never seen that sign.
And here's another question
about highway construction.
Who puts out the cones?
Because that's the only guy
getting shit done.
They'll have a sign...
"Highway work for the next 5 miles."
For 10 miles, there is
a perfectly straight line of cones.
They are equally spaced.
It's like artwork.
The cones... there's 20 bulldozers
over here not doing shit,
but the cones are right where the...
Teach the cone guy
to run a bulldozer.
Let's build some shit around here!
That's all I'm saying.
That's right.
And I'll bet you cash money
the cone guy is a Mexican.
No doubt in my mind.
It's sad, man. It's sad.
Racism has made, like,
this huge comeback,
you know, not that it was ever gone.
I mean, racism is like this ugly stain
that we, as a nation,
have never been able
to completely wash off, you know?
Whenever it seems
we're all moving forward,
there's always a few people
to remind you
not everyone's on board.
Not too long ago, in Louisiana,
there was a justice of the peace
that would not grant
a marriage license
to an interracial couple.
He would not allow a black man
to marry a white woman.
And you know
what his reasoning was?
You know why he said
he couldn't do it?
Because the children turn out
all messed up.
Yeah, like Halle Berry.
Oh, we wouldn't want
another one of those running around.
Let me tell you something...
If interracial marriage
would guarantee Halle Berry,
there should be a rule...
Four out of five marriages
have to be mixed.
Let's go. We're repopulating.
Derek Jeter. Oh, there's another
mixed son of a bitch.
Let me tell you... the only
negative thing about Derek Jeter
is that if Derek Jeter wants
to hook up with your woman,
there's nothing you can do about it.
Not a thing.
You merely have to sit back and say,
"Oh, well, it's Derek. Okay. All right.
He'll give her back
during spring training. Oh, well."
But you know that's not
who they're mad about.
You know that they're mad
about Barack Obama,
that interracial, Harvard-educated,
presidential son of a bitch.
Oh, they're mad.
And when you go to the south,
they don't like Barack Obama at all.
A lot of people in the south,
they don't accept Barack Obama
as president.
They don't think Barack's president.
They think it's Will Smith
playing Barack Obama.
'Cause Will is the only brother
they'll truly accept.
They're mad, man.
Tea party... there's another gr...
Oh, I get the tea party. I love them.
"We're not racist.
No, it's just a large group
of white people
hating the black president.
And, again, who's paying attention?
Do you ever listen to the tea party?
I love the tea party,
'cause whenever they talk,
they argue with themselves.
They just come out
with Barack Obama...
They're like, "We hate change,
and you haven't done shit!"
"So, we're good, then."
Mad. Mad.
Mad at Barack Obama.
Sarah Palin... mad.
See, there's always people get weird
about Sarah Palin.
"I don't like..."
I love Sarah Palin.
I do. I get a kick out of Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin is the Paris Hilton
of politics.
That's right.
She's hot, she's dumb,
and she won't go away.
She does.
Sarah just... and now they're paying
Sarah Palin $100,000 a speech.
For 100 grand a speech,
I'd keep talking, too.
I love a Sarah Palin speech
because no two sentences
have anything to do with each other,
and somehow, there's always
a large animal involved.
It's just like, "Yeah, it's like
a pit bull meets a grizzly bear,
and the children,
and drill, baby, drill."
And you're sitting there, like,
"What the fuck
is she talking about?"
Every Sarah Palin speech
is like the beginning of a bar joke.
It's like, "A pit bull, a wolf,
and a moose walked into a bar."
And again, you know,
it's not her fault.
We don't have any media.
We don't have anyone
asking real questions.
She just comes out,
she talks like crazy,
and people just like,
they write it down, "Yeah."
Can you imagine
if we still had reporters?
If Walter Cronkite...
You think Walter Cronkite
would put up with Sarah Palin?
That'd be the quickest interview
you ever saw.
"Bitch, read a book." Done.
Done.
"Go away."
There is no way
he would tolerate that.
But I don't dismiss Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin has power.
Sarah gets shit done.
You know when I knew
how powerful Sarah Palin was?
Sarah Palin was
on Oprah's show on Monday,
and Oprah quit on Friday.
You don't mess with nobody
who can scare Oprah off TV.
And I'll tell you, you know
what Oprah's mistake was?
She spoke directly
to Sarah Palin, see?
And you can't do that,
'cause you get that Palin shit
in your brain.
And that'll fuck you up.
Like when you were in school
and they taught you
you could never look directly
at the eclipse?
You know, you had to poke a hole
in a sheet of paper, right,
and then hold it over your shoulder
and look at it,
like, that's how it is with Sarah Palin.
You don't talk directly to Sarah Palin.
You need, like, three stupid people
in between you
to protect you
from shit she might say,
because Sarah Palin's gift...
What she can do...
Is she can say crazy shit
in a normal manner,
and then you start wondering
if it's you.
And this is what she did to Oprah,
'cause Oprah asked her...
Oprah said, "Why did you quit
as governor?"
And without missing a beat,
Sarah Palin said,
"Cause I can get more done
as a private citizen,
which makes no sense at all.
Right? Because the private citizen
votes for the governor.
You know, the governor
has a private jet.
The private citizen does not,
you know?
A governor has a staff and shit.
Traffic moves out the way.
A private citizen's parked, you know?
But she said this,
and in this moment,
you could see Oprah
was a little fucked up...
...'cause Oprah was looking
at her like,
"Private citizen?
But you were the governor.
Governor? Citizen? What the fuck?"
But this shit's in
Oprah's head now, see?
And this is only Monday.
By Wednesday, Oprah's fucked up.
By Wednesday,
Oprah's just walking around,
like, "Private citizen?
Did she say...? Roll the tape.
Son of a bitch.
She said private citizen.'
What the hell is..."
By Friday, Oprah gave up.
By Friday, Oprah
just showed up at work.
She was like...
"ll want to be a private citizen.
Yeah.
Who is paying attention?
We jump from one thing to the other.
Healthcare... there was...
Oh, oh, they lost their minds
when there was
the healthcare debate.
I got mad at Barack Obama
during the healthcare debate.
You know why?
Because he continued to debate
when there was no debate to be had.
All right, look,
the right wing has said,
"Anything Obama proposes,
the answer is no."
"Barack said... ""No!"
"But, Ba... ""No!"
"Barack... ""No!"
Right? Yet Barack,
he keeps trying to debate.
And he's talking to them
with shit like, logic...
And reason, you know?
I mean, if you're gonna talk to them,
at least speak in a language
they understand. Right?
You want to pass healthcare?
You want to walk into Congress,
you go to the right wing,
you say, "Look.
Jesus said..."
"...that there should be healthcare
and a gun for every American."
"Huh?"
"That's right.
Healthcare and a gun
for every American
except the gays and the Mexicans."
And they'd be like, "Well,
why didn't you tell us Jesus said?!
Shit, yeah, we're on board!
I didn't know Jesus said.
We needed healthcare
in this country.
We have to do something with...
You know when I was convinced
that we needed healthcare?
Magic Johnson is 50 years old.
Yeah, Magic is 50, which means
he has been living
with the HIV virus for 18 years.
Now, that tells me that we all need
Magic Johnson health insurance.
That's right, 'cause if you got
my raggedy-ass insurance
and you've had HIV for 18 years,
well, you've been dead for 10 years.
Your coverage expired.
It's bad, man.
Health insurance is bad.
You know when I found out
how bad my health insurance was?
I broke my wrist, right?
So my hand is all swollen.
My wrist is all mangled.
I go to the doctor.
They're like, "We'll take X-rays,
and if it's broken, we'll call you."
Now, what kind of raggedy-ass
coverage do I have
that they don't have a guy
on day shift reading X-rays?
You know,
I don't mess with it anymore.
I don't even go to the doctor.
From now on, if I get hurt,
I'm going to the vet.
The vet is better than the doctor
on so many levels.
First of all, the vet never refers you
to another vet.
All right? Doctors specialize.
Doctors have
a limited scope of expertise.
You know, you go to the doctor,
he's like,
"I do internal medicine,"
or, "I fix bones,"
or, you know,
"I only work ear, nose, and throat.
The vet don't give a shit
what species you are.
Anything that comes in the door...
He don't care if it's a pit bull
or a kitten or a goldfish...
He's like, "Lay that shit on the table!
I'll fix it. I don't care.
"I don't care.
You got a sick parakeet?
I'm ready to go.
Let's go. I do birds. I don't care.
And the vet gives you options.
The vet always gives you options.
You go to the vet, the vet's like,
"Look, this surgery's very expensive.
It's very complicated.
I'm not sure if it's gonna work.
If you want, I could just kill you."
Right? That's always on the table.
He's like, "We got a van out back.
I'll put your ass to sleep.
And we'll just cart you off
wherever you want to go.
It costs 50 bucks,
don't cause the family
any grief or anything.
Just we'll take care
of this shit right now."
Okay, I'm not saying
it's the best option.
I'm just saying I like knowing
that option is on the table.
My insurance might not cover
cancer surgery. I don't know.
It's just bad, man, everything.
Everything that happens,
it's a major crisis.
Oh! We got the unemployment crisis.
Unemployment didn't become a crisis
till white people were unemployed.
That's right.
Black people been out of work
for a long time.
Shit, black people know
how to be broke.
Average black family
get eight days out of a chicken.
We don't give a shit.
We're like, "We'll somehow get by."
But all of this, man... all of this
falls on Barack's shoulders.
And don't think
that I'm giving him a free pass.
I'm watching his ass.
I'm watching his ass.
He better not screw this shit up,
'cause I'll tell you right now,
I don't care which side
politicians are on, I'm watching.
I don't trust any of them.
Let's face it, our politicians...
We're down to the point
where they're all liars.
You just pick the liar
whose lies fit you.
You're just like, "You know,
if any of his bullshit is true,
this could work out in my favor.
That's why politicians
don't like Barack Obama,
'cause when he talks,
he pauses a lot.
And every time he pauses,
they're sitting back, like,
"Oh, shit. Is he gonna tell the truth?
He could sink this whole ship.
I'm watching him.
He better not screw up,
'cause you know
if Barack Obama screws up,
there won't be
another black president
for 400 more years, boy.
They will blame everything...
They'll blame slavery on his ass.
Watch.
Everything will be
Barack Obama's fault.
But the other reason...
The personal reason I don't need
Barack Obama screwing up
is 'cause I don't need white people
giving me that look.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, whenever I'm around
a group of white people
and somebody black
does something stupid,
they look at me
as if I were somehow involved.
You know, I'll just be
watching the news,
it'll be like, "Tyrone Johnson
just robbed a liquor store.
They...
"I don't know Tyrone!
I was not in on the liquor-store heist.
I'm right next to you.
This shit is news."
It's subtle, but it's racism.
And I talk about it.
I talk about racism,
and I laugh about racism.
You know why I can laugh
about racism?
Because I am not a racist...
Except in traffic.
I don't know what that is.
There's something
about being cut off
that you say shit
you would never otherwise say.
And it's the first thing out
of your mouth, soon as it hap...
"That black son
of a bitch cut me..."
"Oh, would you look
at this Puerto Rican can't dr..."
"Oh, this China man...
What the hell is..."
You ever get cut off by somebody
and you're not sure what they are,
so you got to follow them
for a little while?
'Cause I will... I will follow you
till I come up with the proper name
for your ass.
I would hate to insult you incorrectly.
Somehow, that seems more racist.
He's under pressure, man.
Barack's under pressure
simply because he is
the first black president, all right?
And that means
expectations are high.
We expected shit to be fixed by now.
We did.
The war's supposed to be over.
Deficit's supposed to be paid.
Housing... hell, we supposed
to be getting free shit by now.
And that's what... because if you are
the first black anything,
you can't be good.
Your ass better be miraculous.
You have to be unbelievable.
Jackie Robinson was the first
black player in the major leagues.
Do you understand how great
Jackie Robinson had to be?
Jackie couldn't have a good game.
Jackie couldn't hustle.
Jackie had to do unbelievable shit.
If Jackie Robinson got a single
and didn't steal home...
They were like,
"You lazy black son of a bitch!
You stopped at first base?!
What kind of shit...
That was a bunt!
You better get your ass to third!"
Jackie was running his entire career.
Jackie be in the dugout, like,
"I'm ready.
I'm ready to go. Ready to go.
Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods has won
14 major championships.
Tiger Woods has won 70 times
on the PGA tour.
Tiger screwed around on his wife,
they're like, "Gotcha!"
"Oh, we've been waiting
for your ass to slip!
It was unbelievable.
I'm telling you this.
If there was any doubt
as to who's the most famous
black person on earth,
I think Tiger put that to rest,
yeah, 'cause Barack was getting
a little cocky, you know,
with his Nobel Peace Prize
and leader of the free world,
and Tiger was like, "Really?
Watch what happens
when [ fuck around.
Tiger cheated on his wife,
the world came to a stop.
From November 27th
to December 20th,
there was no other news.
There was no war,
there was no economy,
there was no terrorism.
The only thing in the news...
Who is Tiger fucking?
That's right. "And in other news,
who else is Tiger fucking?"
It was unbelievable.
People lost their minds.
Sponsors dropped Tiger.
Gatorade dropped Tiger
like somebody was reaching
for a bottle of Gatorade, like,
"Oh, Tiger's screwing around?
Never mind."
"Oh, no, I'll get
my electrolytes elsewhere.
I... I had no idea.
And I hate to tell you this, people,
but I was not shocked, all right?
I was not shocked. You know why?
'Cause at the end of the day,
Tiger is a young, rich,
stud pro athlete.
And if you tell me
a young, rich, stud athlete
is cheating on his wife,
I am not shocked, okay?
Like, if you told me
Dr. Phil had been banging Oprah
for the last 10 years,
I might be caught a bit off guard.
You know?
You tell me an athlete's
cheating on his wife,
I'm not shocked, all right?
Disappointed? Absolutely.
I was disappointed in Tiger. I was.
You know why?
Because I'm a huge Tiger Woods fan.
I love Tiger. I think Tiger is
the greatest golfer on earth,
I think possibly the greatest golfer
of all time.
And the idea that Tiger Woods,
the greatest golfer on earth,
was actually screwing around
with women
that / could hook up with...
Now, there is no excuse
for that shit at all.
Come on.
You're Tiger Woods.
Have a little respect for yourself.
That's all.
Okay, I couldn't do Tiger's top 5,
but I've seen 9 through 12.
Pretty confident I could pick up
an IHOP waitress.
That's all I'm saying.
And people lost their mind.
And that's the thing
with the celebrity stuff.
People act like it's personal,
like they somehow know
the person, all right?
They're like, "Oh, Tiger's poor wife.
What about his wife?"
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know Tiger's wife.
I don't know his relationship
with his wife.
I'll tell you this... I know it's not
like an ordinary marriage.
You know, it's not like Tiger's wife
was working part-time
to help buy golf balls.
Tiger bought his wife an island.
Let that sink in for a minute.
He bought his wife an island,
all right?
I've known a lot of married guys.
I've never known a guy
to buy his wife an island.
I've never seen a guy pricing islands.
You never saw a guy...
"Oh, shit. Valentine's day is coming.
Better get me an island.
Let me tell you something.
You start buying islands,
the rules change.
If I'm married to a woman
and she buys me an island,
then she can fuck around
anywhere except my island.
That's right.
That is the rule!
"I tell you right now... yeah,
as long as you keep them bitches
off my island,
we can negotiate
the rest of the globe.
We'll work something out.
They do... people take
celebrity marriage personal,
like they somehow know them.
Sandra Bullock...
Say, "Oh! Oh, poor Sandra.
Poor Sandra, my ass.
Sandra Bullock knew
exactly who she married.
She wanted Jesse James.
She wanted the bad boy.
Let's look at Jesse's resume,
shall we?
Who's Jesse been hooking up with?
Oh, I don't know.
Stripper, stripper, porn chick,
tattoo chick, stripper,
porn chick, Sandra Bullock.
What?!
One of these things
is not like the others!
Sandra Bullock had no business
marrying Jesse James.
She was supposed
to take him to Vegas,
bang him for the weekend,
come back, and tell her friends.
That's right. And there's women
in here laughing
'cause every one of you got
one of those stories in your closet.
"I remember that son of a bitch.
I left him on the side of the highway."
"But he was good for a weekend."
This is the news.
Who's paying attention?
They just throw shit out there.
Who is listening?
Every day, there's something new,
something's gonna destroy us all,
then it disappears.
Swine flu.
I love the swine flu. I do.
I'm a huge fan of the swine flu.
You know why?
Because swine flu
is the only disease
that comes and goes depending
on what else is in the news.
And then they always come up
with this thing...
"Oh, my God! It's the swine flu!
It's the worst disease in history!
It's gonna kill us all!
It's an absolute pandemic,
and we're all gonna die
unless you, uh...
Wash your hands.
That's all they got.
It's the worst thing
in history unless...
"Ah, you can kiss a pig,
long as you wash your hands.
That's not a pandemic.
We used to have flus
you could respect.
Spanish flu...
Now there was a kick-ass flu.
Spanish flu killed hundreds
of millions of people worldwide.
You know how powerful
the Spanish flu was?
If we were in a room
full of people like this, one person...
"Aw, shit! We're all dead.
"Seal the doors.
We've all got Spanish flu."
They're trying to scare me
with the swine flu.
What happened to the bird flu?
Remember the bird flu?
Weren't we supposed
to be dead by now?
No, really. I don't know about you.
I stopped paying my bills.
I did.
"Hello, Visa? Bird flu's coming.
I ain't paying shit.
No, we're all gonna die. It's on CNN.
I'll go out with a low credit score.
It's okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I can die with a 517.
I don't mind, sir."
Bird flu.
Sick chickens.
That's what that was.
Sick... they tried to scare us
with sick chickens.
We got wars going on.
We have an economy
that almost completely collapsed.
We got terrorism.
We got everything
in the world is wrong,
and I'm supposed to be scared
of a few sick chickens?
"Oh! 50 people died in China."
Really? There's a billion of them.
I'm not gonna panic
'cause a few of them checked out.
I wasn't scared of bird flu.
I was trying to catch the bird flu.
Maybe it'll offset my SARS.
That's right. Yeah.
Yeah, you remember the SARS.
Every time an Asian coughed,
"Oh, no! It's the SARS!"
Think I was worried? Hell no!
I was shooting up with the SARS
trying to beat my mad cow.
That's right.
You remember the mad cow, huh?
Every time you eat a hamburger,
"Oh, no! That might have mad cow."
Think I was worried? Not at all.
Vaccinated myself with the anthrax.
It's all bullshit, and I'm not scared.
There's always something
that's gonna kill us all.
A few years ago,
tomatoes were deadly.
Yeah, a tomato was gonna kill you.
And a year before that,
it was spinach.
The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid
that hates vegetables.
Any minute now, broccoli will be
the most dangerous substance
known to man.
And this is nothing new.
They've been trying to scare us
for years.
Remember the killer bees?
What happened to the killer bees?
Some of you are young.
You don't even remember.
The killer bees were gonna fly
from Africa to South America, right?
Then they were gonna ease up
through Central America,
hang a left, come in through Mexico,
and kill us all.
The Mexicans made it.
Where'd the bees go?
Where's the Arizona bee law?
That's what I want to know.
It's all fear.
"We're all gonna die.
The world's gonna end.
When? When's the world gonna end?
"Oh, 2012."
2012, right?
Who told us that? The Mayans.
I've been around the world four times.
Guess what I've never seen.
A Mayan.
Not one.
Never bumped into a guy
at the airport...
"Mayan? No shit.
Well, we've been looking for you."
Hey, I'd love to worry about 2012,
but I'm still waiting
for this whole Y2K thing to kick in.
Oh, you remember that bullshit, right?
Get your money out the bank.
The ATM's not gonna work.
Your health records
are gonna disappear.
Your computer's gonna explode!
Holy shit! It's Y2K!
Oh, didn't happen? Never mind.
Oh, sorry. We missed.
Happy New Year.
It's all fear.
It's all about keeping you scared.
There's always something new
that's gonna destroy the world.
Now we got the global warming.
Have you heard?
Getting hot outside.
It's getting hot outside,
and we're all gonna die.
And that's when I call bullshit.
All right?
Global warming?
That's fine. That's science.
You come out and say,
"Look, scientists have noticed
the polar ice caps are melting
or the ocean level's rising.
That's all good.
The minute we're all gonna die?
Now it's fear. Now I call bullshit.
I got questions.
Okay, Mr. Weatherman,
you're telling me how hot
it's gonna be in 50 years?
How come you don't know
if it's gonna rain next week?
How about this,
my scientific friend?
You explain the difference
between partly sunny
and partly cloudy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Once you've solved
that little mystery,
we'll work our way up
to Armageddon.
Also, when did the meteorologist
become the hottest chick
on the news?
Have you seen
the meteorologists lately?
Like, "Let's go to the map.
Shit, let's go to the pole.
Yeah. The meteorologist
got it going on.
I don't know.
Just seems arrogant to me.
Whenever humans say
we can destroy the planet,
it seems a little arrogant,
'cause in my book,
whenever man challenges nature,
nature has no problem
whipping our ass.
Mother Nature
has never been impressed
with human achievement, all right?
"Hey, look at my beach house.
Whoosh!
"I don't see it."
"No, I see a lot of beach.
I don't see much house.
Man challenges nature,
nature kicks ass.
We had a volcano in Iceland.
"Hey, I'm flying to Europe.
No, you're not.
Nature just closed the sky.
The entire sky is closed
because nature sneezed.
You do not mess
with the force of nature.
Nature ruins places.
Earthquakes...
Nature just shaking shit up.
Haiti... err! Done.
Japan... err! Chile... err!
"Oh, it took us a hundred years
to build that."
"Took me three seconds
to get rid of it. Err! Done!"
And these are terrible tragedies.
Don't get me wrong.
I feel bad whenever it happens.
These natural disasters
truly are tragic.
But you know what I don't need?
I don't need another rich celebrity
or movie star or singer on TV
telling me to send in money
for this tragedy, all right?
Listen, you make $20 million a movie.
How about you kick down a million
and cover me on this one?
Yeah.
That's right.
We are in a recession.
When I get my job back,
I'll be sure and text in $10.
And then they hit you with the chil...
"Oh, what about the children?
There's thousands
of orphan children.
Well, send them to Angelina Jolie.
She loves them!
She can't get enough of them.
She'll start a farm. It'll be okay.
It's always something.
It's always one thing after another,
and it's always
the end of the world, huh?
Gay marriage. I love that one.
Gay marr... 'cause gay marriage...
You ever notice
it just keeps coming back?
Like, every time you think
we've ended the gay-marriage debate,
it pops up.
Gay marriage is like
the check-engine light
of the United States.
The light pops on.
"It's the gay-marriage light."
"Well, fix it."
Bloop! "It's back again.
"Son of a bitch!"
And it's always dramatic.
"Oh, my God! Gay marriage!
No, you can't...
"If the gays get married,
what about the children?
You'll destroy the moral fabric
of society. Oh, my..."
Really? Really?
No, really? Is that the problem?
Gay marriage? Huh?
'Cause my house is worth $8.
You think I'm worried
about gay marriage?
Let me tell you something...
If two gay guys want to get married
and buy my house,
there's gonna be a wedding.
Believe that.
I'm not waiting for the legislature.
I got a gun, and I'll find a preacher.
Like, "All right,
we are gathered here today.
Make this shit happen.
Come on, let's go,
'cause these boys got good credit.
I love a gay-marriage debate. I do.
Whenever it's on TV,
I drop what I'm doing.
I sit down and watch TV
'cause there's a little game
you can play during the show.
Try and figure out who's gay.
That's right.
And I promise you,
the guy yelling the loudest
against gay marriage
is the gayest guy on TV.
They gave it up, and I'll tell you
who gave up the whole game,
who started it all... Father Ted.
Good old Father Ted,
the president's moral adviser,
got caught.
"Yeah, when I'm not
at the White House reading the Bible,
well, I'm back home in Colorado
smoking crystal meth
and banging male prostitutes.
Right? And whenever
they get caught,
they always have
the "I'm not gay" excuse.
That's my favorite part.
"Gay? Oh, I'm not gay!
Uh, uh...
Satan was tempting me."
Let me tell you people something.
Satan can tempt me
with sweaty man ass all day long.
"Oh, you know, Satan,
it's mighty generous of you
to offer me that man ass.
"No, really, I understand
you're the Prince of Darkness and all,
but, uh, I'm gonna go ahead
and pass on this one.
Thank you just the same,
your evil ship."
Oh. Look at you.
You guys are like, "Sweaty man ass?
We didn't have to go
to sweaty man ass, did we?"
Look. This guy can't even look at me.
He's like, "No, you didn't
say that out loud.
That's what we're reduced to.
No one's paying attention, they slip
sweaty man ass right past us.
I talk about who's paying attention.
I got to pay attention to my own life.
Man, my life's a mess, huh?
I got to grow up.
Shit got to change, really.
Barack Obama's only
one year older than me.
You have any idea how disappointing
that is to my mother?
Every time he's on TV,
"Oh, look. There he is.
Yeah, there he is...
Leader of the free world. Yeah.
How the jokes coming?
"How's your legacy working out?
I love my mom.
My mom has reached the status
of little old lady gambler.
Yeah, you know, the little old ladies
at the casino on the nickel machine?
Most dangerous people
in the casino, too.
You ever reach for a little old lady's
nickel machine,
you draw back a stump.
I think they sharpen that little card.
They cut your ass with it, really.
My mom's not here right now.
You know why?
'Cause the casino is open.
Love her, though.
Happy, man. Happy.
But I got to change.
I got to grow up.
I got to get married, you know?
Yeah, don't want to... have to.
It's on my bucket list.
I get pressure, man.
You know who I hear it from?
I have teenage nieces, you know,
and my nieces are always on me.
My nieces are always telling me...
No, let me correct that.
They're always texting me. Right?
'Cause teenage girls don't talk.
They text.
It is the most amazing thing.
I watch them.
They are so fast in texting.
That's why they came up
with unlimited texting,
because teenage girls got cellphones
and the phone companies
couldn't keep up.
Teenage girls started texting.
Companies like Verizon and AT&T,
they were like,
"You know what? Fuck it.
$20 a month. How's that?"
"You just give us 20 bucks a month
and keep doing the shit you do
because we can't count that fast.
And I love them, but, see,
I had never been
around teenage girls
until my nieces hit that age.
I had no idea the level of drama
that teenage girls
live with every day.
Everything that happens is
a major, earth-shattering event.
And they're like, "Look, Unc,
you're too old to be single.
You're too old.
You have to get married soon,
or else you'll be creepy.
That is the worst word a woman
can use to describe a man,
right, 'cause "creepy"...
That's a woman's word.
It is, because women know
what creepy is.
See, they can't tell you
what creepy is,
but they all know what creepy is.
And it only takes one girl to be like,
"That guy's creepy.
They're like, "Yeah, that's him!
Look, that's the creepy guy!
I saw him come in.
He's creepy, yeah."
Right? Then you have to get
in your van and go home.
'Cause creepy guys
always drive a van.
So I don't want to be that guy. Right?
I don't want to be
creepy van guy, you know.
But I don't know.
The relationship game has changed.
First of all,
where do you find people now?
You don't find anybody now.
You got to search.
Got to search,
'cause everyone's looking online.
I think that's why they designed
the Internet... just to hook up.
There's 4,000 dating sites
on the Internet.
EBay? That was an accident.
Some guy was checking out
some girl.
He was like, "Hey, uh, how much
for that lamp behind you?"
Whole new industry was born.
I don't know.
I don't know what age...
Who am I supposed to be dating?
I don't know.
Cougars are big now.
Right? That's big.
Everybody's like,
"Ooh, I want a cougar.
At my age, a cougar's gonna be
in her early 70s.
And I don't think my insurance
is gonna cover her hip.
Some guys want the young girls.
Can't do it.
I see them. Young girls, they're hot.
Too much trouble...
'Cause young girls,
they still have hope.
Now, see, that shit
will wear your ass out right there.
Oh, the minute you hook up
with a young girl,
they making plans.
"Oh, my God!
We're gonna fall in love.
We're gonna get married.
We're gonna have ki..."
"No, we're not!"
"I'm just passing through.
I got to tell them the truth,
'cause young girls mess with you.
You hook up with a young girl,
what they tell you?
"We're gonna do it all night long!"
"Oh, no, we're not!"
"Tell you right now,
I got one good one.
"Now, you need more than that,
you go back to the clubs. Shoot.
I got a bad knee.
I ain't got nothing to prove.
But, see, young guys laughing.
Few old veterans out there, like,
"Yeah, that knee
will go on your ass.
You'll miss a day's work
with that knee.
You got to... you got to save that
for the weekend. That's..."
Not old. Not old.
Just getting older.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm not worried.
I'm 48 years old.
And I tell you...
You know what's weird?
I got my first AARP e-mail.
Yeah, the AARP,
it's like the old folks' lobby.
You got to be 50 years old.
They were like,
"You're not qualified yet,
but we're watching your ass.
That was a little sobering.
Days are numbered.
I got to make changes.
Got to make them,
but, again, I don't know.
I don't know
about the marriage game.
And it's not easy...
It's not easy for women, either,
you know?
Women out here...
Women that's single...
It's hard to be a single woman.
You know why? No real men left.
I don't know. I don't know
what happened to men.
I think the skinny jeans grabbed
the package a little too tight.
I'm not sure.
Something has gone horribly wrong.
First of all, little boys are not raised
to be men anymore.
Little boys... like, little league...
They have a thing now
in little league called tee ball,
where you set the ball on a tee,
like a giant golf tee,
and they hit it, and you know why?
Because if the little boy strikes out,
it would hurt his self-esteem.
Yeah, when I was a kid,
we had a guy called
a little league coach.
He was an angry man
who never made the major leagues.
And they had a thing called pitching,
and the coach would fire
that shit in there.
My little league coach had
an 85-mile-an-hour fastball,
and he ain't take nothing
off that shit, either, boy.
He wasn't worried
about your self-esteem.
He wasn't worried
about your physical well-being.
You get hit with a pitch,
what would they say?
"Man up!
"Stop crying! Man up!"
"I'm 8."
"I didn't realize I had to man up
at this early age.
Ain't mess around, you know?
And part of it's your fault, ladies.
I see you out there laughing.
Part of this man shortage
is your fault,
yeah, 'cause you wanted
those metrosexuals.
That's right. You wanted
your man to be sensitive.
You wanted him
to have product in his hair
and get his mani and pedi done
every week.
Yeah, that all sounds great,
till you walk outside and it's dark
and you hear a noise.
Suddenly, that metrosexual
ain't doing you much good.
That's right,
'cause you wearing 4-inch pumps.
He's wearing flats. He'll get away.
Now your ass is locked
in the back of the creepy-guy van.
Suddenly, a little dirt
under the fingernails
is no longer gonna be
a deal-breaker.
It's bad, man. I don't know.
What happened to real men?
I don't know.
You watch television...
No men on television anymore.
Watch TV...
Every commercial for E.D.
Every commercial,
five guys sitting around
talking to each other about
how they can't get it up anymore.
Just bragging to each other,
sitting at the poker table.
"Oh, you know, Joe,
I can't get it up anymore."
"Oh, that's too bad, Bill.
Hey, try one of my little pills.
Really? Really?
Is this poker-table conversation now?
'Cause let me tell you right now...
Me and my boys,
we have not received the memo.
No, you don't find sympathy
at our poker table.
You find opportunity.
Guy sitting there, like, "Oh, you know,
Joe, I can't get it up anymore.
"Good! I'll bang Barbara for you!"
"I've been checking out your wife
for 15 years.
Yeah, good luck with your little pills.
I'll be upstairs
handling man business.
Thank you guys so much
for laughing.
Thank you.
Thanks for letting me do this.
I love my job. Thank you.
Good night.
Creativity is making something
from nothing.
Creativity...
My most creative moment...
My favorite moment...
Is when I do a joke
that will never be funny again
because it was just in that moment,
in that situation,
with that audience, with that person
I was talking to, whatever,
and it was just funny right then,
and I didn't think of it beforehand,
it wasn't written.
It was just in the moment.
To me, that's like the jazz of comedy.
Like, I think jazz is
the greatest kind of music
'cause they improvise so much.
They just literally create it
at the time,
and I always thought
they were brilliant musicians.
And then I met them,
and they really...
They can't read music,
so they just make it up.
I'm kidding.
Again, jazz musicians,
you're gonna buy the DVD.
Don't get all upset, and don't write in.
They're not gonna write in
because jazz musicians,
they don't, like, actually write.
Comedy, to me, it's easy on stage.
I think comedy's easy
to anyone who's a good comic,
because that's what we feel at home.
Comics have trouble with life.
That's where we have trouble.
You know what's hard?
Going through airport security
and keeping your mouth shut.
That's probably the toughest thing
for a comic to do...
To not get arrested
while boarding a plane,
'cause there are a thousand things
you really want to say.
For example, when they're
checking my sneakers...
Do you know how much technology
Nike put into my sneakers?
Nike has, like, NASA scientists
working on how to inject air and gel
in the proper proportion
into the heel of my sneaker
so that my knee won't hurt
when I jump 6 inches off the ground.
And yet some guy who's, like,
basically a clerk in a blue shirt's
gonna look at the sneaker
and say, "Yeah, that's safe.
And I can't say anything.
That part is tough.
The other part... paying agents
and managers. That's right.
I'm saying it 'cause my manager's
looking over my shoulder.
10% for nothing.
It's like having an ex-wife.
Well, not really.
Ex-wives charge 50%.
Okay, so it's like having
an ex-wife with a bad lawyer.
My most validating moment...
My first validating moment...
Was at Just For Laughs in Montral.
It's the biggest comedy festival
in the world,
and I did New Faces of Comedy.
And that year, I was the hit.
Like, every year... there used to be...
Every year, there used to be
someone who was a hit,
and you'd get a big deal,
and Hollywood would want
to make you a star,
and they tell you,
"You're gonna be a star!
And they give you a lot of money,
and then you never hear
from them again.
It was really... it was, like, sad.
But they let you keep the cash,
so that was good.
But the reason it was validating
was because, prior to that,
I had been the doorman
at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood.
Like, that was my job.
And when I did New Faces,
and I walked offstage,
and guys like Dom Irrera
or Barry Katz,
who's the most evil person in the b...
I'm kidding, Barry.
Barry, I'm just kidding about that.
'Cause you never know.
Barry might turn
into even more powerful a person,
and I got to keep him as a friend.
But anyway, they came up to me,
and they were like,
"Wow! You are a great comic.
And for some reason,
hearing it from them was just...
I felt like I was in the fraternity now.
So I'll always remember that,
talking to those two guys
after that show.
They don't remember it.
It was just another day to them.
The other validating moment
was "Last Comic Standing"
'cause my dad was in the audience.
My dad... very stoic, no emotion...
And he literally had a tear in his eye,
he was so proud to see me up there.
And then I came in second,
and backstage,
he smacked me in the head
and said,
"Don't ever embarrass me
with runner-up again.
I don't know why I'm not famous.
I keep trying.
Once again, I blame
the agents and managers.
Yeah, 10% for nothing.
10%, and I'm not famous.
You ever watch "Entourage"?
You ever see what Ari Gold did?
Ari Gold made Johnny Drama.
Johnny Drama has a career, okay?
And I got nothing, all right?
Jim Belushi is on TV again.
Jim Belushi did a series
for seven years... not one laugh.
Do you know how hard that is to do?
Seven years of television,
nothing funny,
and now he has another series,
which is a drama,
which means it will probably be hilarious.
It's sad, I don't know why I'm not famous.
Thanks for buying the DVD,
tell all your friends about me, and then
one day I will be famous.